#i'm... really struggling with the fact that i'm disabled this week and it's... a lot. it's a lot. everythign is just

[ourceliumnetwork]

good news: the noises i keep hearing outside are NOT intermittent fireworks!

not as good news: the noises i keep hearing outside are RIGHT outside because it's the neighbors doing stuff again because it's the weekend

[is-this-fascism]

Please help me survive and escape homelessness.

GFM

KF

CA

I want to be safe by the winter of 2025.

I'm having a difficult time fundraising for my van. Repeated car troubles and various other unexpected issues have eaten into my savings multiple times, and while in a slump I wasn't making as many posts about my situation and I got significantly less donations over the last ~6 weeks on both my gofundme and my kofi/cashapp. While I've 'regained' a lot of what I lost, I've been spending about as much as is coming in. Aside from one instance, my emergency expenses were eaten by my fundraiser savings, which was then gained back about as quickly as I was spending it on my daily expenses. I still haven't reached the goal for the recent $1000 I had to spend on my car.

So far I've lost $2,200 of the $3,100 that's shown on the GFM. I'll be updating the fundraiser to reflect the loss.

I'm autistic and struggle just to meet my basic needs, and despite that I've been denied disability income multiple times. Failing to hold a job (and developing PTSD symptoms from my time being employed), and let down and abandoned by anyone who could support me, I'm left with few resources and few options. I try to make posts when I'm in a good mood, or keep people updated when I'm in a bad mood. I make videos on YouTube, hoping eventually I can show people what their money has gotten for me.

On a good month, I only spend about $600, leaving me some space to save the donations I was previously getting. With winter and the holidays coming, I'm not sure I'll be getting as much money as the warmer months, and I'll be spending more on keeping myself warm and fed over the winter. It will be more like $800/mo now. The only real solution is getting more money than I'm spending, as I'm already spending as little as I safely can.

I'll only take financial advice from someone who has lowered their expenses below mine, with the same disabilities and circumstances as me. What I need is more money, and I don't always have the energy to pay back with art and things like that. I don't even always have the energy to post my pleas for help. I don't have a sponsor to help me make these posts.

I'm in a low energy mode because what can I do with no money? In a state where I have to spend as little as possible, see such slow results, see most of it taken by things outside my control, and somehow keep up hope that this will work?

When I feel safe and have adequate shelter in a van, I'll be able to REST. And then start working harder and making more money one way or another. Whether you think I should suck it up and get a job or you want to see me become a content creator, I need money for any kind of opportunity and I'm just not getting enough.

So, thank you to everyone who's suppported me so far. Thank you to the repeat supports. I'm sorry I had to spend your money on other things. Thank you to the person who covered most of a huge expense I was stressing about a couple months ago. Thank you to the person who sent me $200 to get a hotel and told me to take care of my mental health before saving anything. Thank you to the blogs that have featured my fundraiser in your posts. Thank you to everyone who keeps boosting and cheering me on even though you can't support financially.

I don't know what else I can do to get more people like that to see me. There are so many options on the internet, but it's still a daunting task and as much as I can't really afford to rest, I have to sometimes. Often, in fact.

Please keep boosting this post until my goal is really met. Until I can spend more than $600 a month and actually earn your money rather than beg for it.

[nepenthean-sleep]

the tlt fandom's insidious problem with ableism

this will be my final original post for the locked tomb fandom, if not forever, at least for a very long time.

i have been in this fandom since november 2021, so about 3 and a half years. i can handle john gaius discourse, and butch harrow/butch4butch griddlehark discourse, and imperialism discourse, and all other bigotry discourse, and SA discourse, and all of the other incredibly difficult and meaningful topics that are worth discussing in this fandom, but the fact that i privately told someone who tagged my post with "harrow is crazy and evil and gideon will fix her" that it was ableist and upsetting and to not say those things about people with severe mental health conditions anymore, and i got blocked for it, the fact that that happened from someone who had a "punk" pinned post and was a leftist…

this is my final straw.

i see ableist microaggression after ableist microaggression day in and day out with this fandom and i'm sick and tired of acting like it doesn't deeply disturb me. other people don't think people like me are full human beings. and yeah, that's what all bigotry is, i'm not trying to act like i'm exceptional. but, like a lot of other insidious and deep-running forms of bigotry, this comes from even the most "progressive" of people, people that like to champion other marginalized communities and stand up for other disabled people. but nobody likes psychotic people. even the fucking medical providers that are supposed to help us and sympathize with us don't like us, don't believe us, belittle us and abuse us.

nobody has any idea the amount of trauma this disorder and this diagnosis has inflicted on me, how it has made my life significantly harder on a day-to-day basis and a systemic basis and an interpersonal basis. i didn't have a job for FOUR YEARS. i've had to take medications that make it difficult for me to wake up in the morning, give me issues with swallowing, and can sedate me so much that i can't drive at times. i started this medication in march 2021 and i have never felt fully awake since then. i was involuntarily committed for nine days and experienced abuse and medical malpractice in both a major hospital and a psychiatric facility that led to PTSD. i used to wake up screaming multiple times a week from PTSD nightmares related to my hospitalization. it takes me so much longer to do academic work and i have extensive disability accommodations at my university. i'm still an undergrad student at 26 years old despite starting uni at 20, and i'm not expected to graduate for at least two more years. after i was out of the hospital in 2021, it took me six months before i could start doing schoolwork again, and i could only handle one class at a time. i barely remember those entire six months honestly. the first two months, my mom (my caretaker at that time) said that i seemed like an alzheimer's patient or a dementia patient, that i wasn't myself and i struggled to take care of myself.

and when i read harrow the ninth for the first time in december 2021, i saw all of that in that book. it was a hard read because i saw so much of the shit i went through in harrow's experience on the mithraeum, with ianthe and john who wanted to "help" her but were really exploiting her (reminding me of someone whose actions triggered paranoia in me during my first psychotic episode), with mercymorn and augustine who treated her like an annoyance and an idiot (reminding me of some of the nurses and providers in the facility, people who were undoubtedly overworked and underpaid but still misused their power over me and other patients), harrow herself waking up with panic attacks and not knowing what was real and what was just in her head, her constant yearning for home and leaving the horrible place that she was trapped inside of (self-explanatory). all of this resonated so deeply with me, and even if all of it wasn't the exact same as what i had just gone through earlier in the year, it was all very thematically similar.

and then i got to this fandom and its mostly just people shitting on htn harrow and jokingly calling her a brain damaged wet rat, but like, over and over and over again.

can you imagine how this made me feel lol.

it made me feel like shit.

so i ignored that feeling, maybe even went along with the rest of the fandom for a few moments because you know, maybe i'm just overreacting. maybe it's not that deep. after all, maybe i'm no different from a "brain damaged wet rat" myself. but that was the internalized ableism talking. but it just kept bothering me, and bothering me, and bothering me. it's been like three and a half years now and i can't ignore anymore how much it bothers me, how deeply disturbing i find it that people call her "cutesy" slurs like crazy and psycho and "delulu" or say she needs to be "fixed" or that gideon WILL "fix" her or that "her brain is made of soup teehee" or making "grippy sock" jokes or calling her a "sopping wet pathetic meow meow" or like whatever. honestly i don't even think people are doing it maliciously. that doesn't stop it from being hurtful and damaging.

even if it's not sourced from malicious intent, it's just proof that nobody fucking cares about people with psychotic disorders. nobody fucking cares about the human rights abuses that happen to patients in psychiatric facilities. nobody cares about how hard it is for people like us to make it through the world. do you know that there are some people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia that are catatonic, that can't speak or get out of bed? that can't take care of themselves? do you care about them and still think they're people? what about the people with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia that can't hold down a job or finish a degree or provide for themselves? the people with these mental health conditions that are homeless or stuck in abusive group homes? are these people "brain damaged little meow meows"? i'm one of the lucky ones! i can still go to school and take care of myself and work! but it wasn't always that way for me, and it may not always be this way for me in the future. do i still matter, then? am i still a person that deserves respect? or am i just another thing to make fun of, especially when and if my condition starts to decline? do you realize that your jokes enable your own bigotry and enforce the bigotry of others?

but its fun to laugh at harrow's declining condition, and make jokes with your friends who will never have to worry about this being in their cards. lobotomized brain damaged wet rat. fuck you.

i know you're just here to mess around and have fun with the books you like, but so was i. i can't do that anymore because people have made this environment so difficult for people like me. for fuck's sake, i used to make shitposts and theory posts all the time. have you noticed i don't anymore?

there's a lot of bigotry in this fandom, but this is the only topic that i feel qualified to speak on at length due to how deeply personal it is to me. please, i am begging you, think about what you say about harrow's mental health, symptoms, and brain. i know she isn't real, but i am, and so are people with the psychotic conditions she has.

[rederiswrites]

I wrote this out for FB and then thought I might as well share it here as well. So if you have ADHD, are a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD, and most particular if you are a person with a uterus and/or have children, this one might be for you.

...

Last couple of days have been a little...weird. Let's start at the beginning. Buckle up and learn something.

As many of you already know, I have ADHD. It's a condition with a PR problem--a lot of people, often even medical professionals, have a very distorted idea of what it does, and a very limited one. For starters, it's not about parenting, or lead paint, or lack of discipline. It's genetic, *highly* heritable, starts in childhood and persists throughout life, and is a sufficiently severe disability that it comes with a decrease in life expectancy of up to 13 years. It is a visible difference that can be perceived in brain scans. These are all, at this point, well established and thoroughly attested in the scientific literature. ADHD affects up to 5% of the population and appears across cultures. It is very common.

It's not just about lack of attention--in fact, plenty of medical professionals think the name should be changed, as in fact the problem isn't the volume of attention but the way we struggle to direct it. We are motivated by interest, and struggle to properly weight future goals and consequences, specifically because they are in the future. If the robin outside the window is more immediately rewarding to our brain, we will watch that, and not the teacher. Our ability to properly weigh the consequences of that choice is negatively impacted by our own biochemistry.

We struggle with many of what are termed the "executive functions", the self management systems of the brain. Degree and presentation varies from person to person, but initiating tasks, completing tasks, staying ON task, restraining impulses, emotional regulation, and working memory are among the things impacted. My working memory is notoriously horrible. When they send you those activation codes on your phone? I often have to go back and read them out several times to enter a six digit number. I have to stop and remind myself what I'm doing between every step of my morning bathroom routine, or making tacos. Sometimes I take off my glasses to put on my contacts, reset, and reach for my pill bottles while I still can't see. My long-term memory is also affected, with my husband de facto serving as the memory-holder of the family.

Another common symptom I personally experience is "time blindness", which can mean both that you have no "internal clock" that has a clear idea of the passage of time, and that our ability to properly weight the importance of things in the future is impacted. So, for example, I can know intellectually what's coming, but it takes some really complex and exhausting antics to actually focus and work on those things if they're more than a week or sometimes even a couple days away.

Without externally imposed controls, many ADHD people flounder and fail to meet social markers of success. Estimates of how many ADHD people manage to complete college range from 5% to 15%. Again: 5% to 15%! I have failed twice myself. WITH externally imposed controls, ADHD people often have to work far harder to make their brains do what is required, and either fail and develop an image of themselves as failures (usually with plenty of external help), or keep fighting and suffer crippling burnout.

To that point, ADHD is HIGHLY comorbid with a whole range of knock-on conditions, some of which stem from the same brain patterns that give rise to the ADHD itself, and others from the trauma of living with a disability, but they include very high rates of depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, social isolation, and addiction. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia my entire adult life. I have never ended up in the trap of self-medication but let's be real, that's partly about having supports and a healthy social environment. It's not some accomplishment I praise myself for, nor is addiction a sin I shame anyone for.

And anxiety has a very different texture to it when what you're really anxious about is the next time you fail in some catastrophic way. Lock your keys in the car. Completely space on a doctor's appointment. Go to pay for groceries and find that your wallet is next to your computer at home. Because the anxiety is not irrational fear of some generalized bad thing. These things do and will happen, regularly. Sometimes it feels like the only fix is getting good at recovering. Because no matter how many times you manage not to blow it, there's always another chance.

So, the struggle to be a reliable person, to be a consistent parent, to be a dependable life partner, is continuous. And it is so so so hard and it sometimes feels like you're not actually making any progress at all. I have tried therapy. I have tried three (or four??) different non-stimulant medications that sometimes help people. One of them DID help. ALL of them had catastrophic side effects. There were times as I was trialing these medications when I needed to be minded because I wasn't capable of taking care of anything, not even myself. Without Jacob, I don't know where I'd be. Not here. Probably in poverty, which is where he found me.

I have tried probably most organizational tools you know of. I have tried imposing schedules, all of which turned to dust and ash when the next fibromyalgia flareup or the next major life disruption happened. I don't think a new schedule has ever lasted a month before.

I HAVE felt like I'm made progress lately. I learned things that really helped my fibromyalgia, which gave me the space to work on other things--just like getting the borders of a puzzle finished. Enough things were spiraling upwards, and I think I might be cementing some gains. I have felt optimistic.

But in the meantime, I asked my doctor if, now that no less than three cardiologists have insisted my heart is Perfectly Healthy, I could finally try stimulant medications. After decades of use, Adderall, Ritalin, and a couple related stimulant drugs are still the gold standard for ADHD treatment and improve outcomes substantially for many people. And stimulants are in serious international shortage. Have been for many months. The only one she thought she could get me was Adderall. And she didn't dare try anything but the standard 30mg because nonstandard dosages would be even less attainable.

So now I'm taking Adderall. One week on 30mg, which I stopped when it was clear my function was being seriously impaired rather than improved. Reassessed with the doctor, now trying 60mg, because that's two of the pills I've already managed to obtain. It is....too much. And in some ways it fixes problems I wasn't working on, while so far making my executive function, my initiation or even *contemplation* of tasks, virtually nonexistant. Which was, of course, the thing I was trying to fix.

So yeah. When you have the context, I figure you can understand the substance of my frustration yourself. If you have children, I don't think you need my help to imagine what it would be like to know that you are unpredictable, or to see that your children are used to to you undergoing events that make you act strangely and erratically. I think just knowing that often, new medications introduce themselves by giving me a migraine, and I know this is possible when I take that first pill, is fairly self-explanatory. And so I expect you can imagine what it would be like, with all of this as a backdrop, to experience worsening of your symptoms, probably because of age-related hormonal changes. To in desperation try something you'd previously been denied. And to learn that it probably won't help.

In a week, I will either give up on Adderall for now or find a way to make it work. I'll put together the pieces yet again--at this point, possibly my strongest personal skill--and continue that upward climb as far as I can get. I'm incredibly fortunate in that regardless, I will be fed and dry and warm and loved. But right now, I feel justified in some serious dismay.

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

Here's a reminder that ADHD is a disability. Sure, I poke fun at myself and I make the jokes about the "shinies" and whatnot, but it's still a disability. It still sucks. It still makes me want to rip my hair out. It still affect EVERY aspect of my life.

Over the past two weeks I've been struggling a lot. I have been having a really hard time getting out of bed to go to school or work. I sit here and I feel so dead, so empty.

I'm frustrated with my mind and how I perceive things, I'm frustrated with the fact that I can't focus, I'm frustrated with the fact that I physically cannot force myself to do something. I don't get to have habits. I don't get to not feel drained after leaving my house for an hour. I don't get to feel rewarded for a good grade, or for just doing something.

Trying to explain some of this stuff is a nightmare and sometimes I want to give up. Then I remember that there's kids actively going through this and beating themselves up for it, not knowing that there is something different about their brain. I keep posting things like this so that I can help people. So that someone might just kind of understand.

[nanistar]

i don't want to cause discourse tm so don't feel as if you need to respond! but while bonesight is a contentious character i wish people were more mindful about the language they're using when talking about her. bonesight is fictional but her mental condition is not - psychosis and similar conditions are already such stigmatised disorders, they're real things people like myself struggle with. it's not very comforting to put it lightly reading the replies, on DA especially, and seeing the way people talk about her to the point i've had to stop keeping up with this comic for my own well being.

i'm not saying you have to love her or you're a bigot! bonesight has done a lot of terrible things that are worthy of being criticised regardless of them being influenced by her poor mental health. nor do i speak for everyone as yknow we're not a monolith. what i am saying is that please be mindful with your wording because we can see how you're talking about people like us. to act as if none of this matters as it's just fictional is ignorant at best as your comments don't exist in a vacuum. maybe think about the implications of calling bonesight a "crazy pyshco bitch" and such for a moment. i do not like how much i've seen that being thrown around unchecked.

i do want to end this as saying you have done a wonderful job in portraying her and none of this is aimed at you personally! in fact she's honestly my go to when talking about portrayals of such conditions in media because of how respectfully and nuanced you've written her. it's deeply appreciated and i want to thank you for that. it's just a shame some of your audience can't be more respectful.

yeah i have noticed that the way she is received and talked about varies wildly between the websites that i host the comic on, with deviantArt of course being the worst. i can only assume it’s because that website’s demographic (surrounding warriors comics anyway) is still like 13-16 year olds who don’t really know how to behave and don’t understand how ableist they’re being and it just kinda compounds when there’s a lot of them. i get a lot of comments about people not understanding why MoonClan cats would still follow her after she’s done some bad things and i also get a lot of people telling chalknose that he’s “not allowed” to mourn lumplog which idk kinda says a lot about them.

i tend not to say anything because i only check dA once a week, if that, and i don’t like being on there but i probably should be more active about corralling people, and i’m sorry. i have told people to watch their language when it gets to “psycho bitch” territory but it doesn’t really change much. sigh. i’ve considered disabling comments on deviantart but at this point the chapter only has a few more pages. i might go back and do it retroactively. i’m also considering just not uploading to dA anymore because the site itself is ass and i hate it. i love and appreciate my readers of course but yeah, the comments can get a little much.

people on tumblr and comicfury are much more thoughtful and nuanced with their comments and ppl on tapas hardly comment at all, if you still want to keep up on one of those sites rather than dA, but no hard feelings if you don’t, i totally get it.

[skellish]

Please help a disabled (seeking disability) trans woman keep her apartment!

Hi everyone, my name is Delia, I’m a 25 year old trans woman with several disabilities, such as ADHD, possible autism, BPD, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, et cetera. I need real help in order to keep the apartment that I fought so hard to get. I am seeking disability right now, but it is going extremely slowly and I don’t know when I’ll see any help from the government. Let me explain a bit of my situation.

Medicine has never really worked for me, and I recently decided I needed to come off wellbutrin because it was making my anxiety a lot worse, as well as depleting my ability to really feel anything at all, so my doctor recommended I stop and try a new med. I can’t afford to go to the doctor very often so I stopped the medicine a month ago and am going back in September to try something different that will hopefully help.

Essentially, I live in income based apartments and lately, my disabilities have been either preventing or seriously hindering me from getting to my job. I used to work basically full time at my deli job and it became too much due to me being burnt out for like the last 5 years, so I had to cut down. I work three days a week now, and it’s already becoming too much again because of said perpetual burn out and medication withdrawal. I have either been missing work entirely or been late every single day, and they haven’t fired me yet but I fear the worst is coming soon.

Right now, my rent is $372, my water bill is already behind, power bill still needs paying, and I only have ≈$100 in my bank account right now. I am planning to yard sale both this Friday and Saturday, and next, and get some more cash before it is due, which is on the 10th of August. On the 10th, they will serve me an eviction notice to get out by the 20th unless I can get the money.

I am asking here if anyone could spare anything, any amount is immensely appreciated. I have been on my own for a few years now with little to no support, and I've always despised needing or asking for it, but the fact of the matter though is that this is my last Hail Mary to save my sinking ship, and I'm desperate.

I know most folks here are also struggling though, and I hate to make this post, but I am kind of at my wits end in regards to keeping this apartment. This has been my first somewhat stable home in pretty much my whole life and I'm terrified of being forced to move yet again. If I can just get this month’s rent paid, I will be able to find a new, more tolerable job in the meantime while I am seeking disability benefits, and then hopefully keep the ball rolling.

Any amount will help, I am honestly begging and I will appreciate anything anyone can spare, be it a donation or a share.

Update 8-12-24: so we have made some good progress here and I am thankful. Sadly some unforseen expenses had come out, so not exactly where I'd like it, but it is coming along. I've just got 8 ish days left to come up with the rest though, so. I am considering selling my Playstation, and that was unconscionable previously, so things are fairly dire.

V3nm0: @Skellish

C@sh@pp: $Skellish69

Goal: $372

Current: $110 / updated: $190, (still need $182)

[soupandspoonies]

Heyyy! It's been a while again because legitimately everything sucks at the moment...

I've been experiencing a flare up in pretty much everything and I have been so unbelievably exhausted. I just had my infusion for my vyepti so I'm expecting my headaches to get better in the next couple of weeks. Every week before my infusion my headaches increase in severity and it's really tough to get through. I'm thankful that the infusions help decrease my pain from my headaches, because with how my fibro pain has been - it's a bit unbearable.

I've been going through a lot with my meds recently too. I switched to taking duloxetine for my fibromyalgia and depression in December but unfortunately it didn't do anything for me. We tried adding a couple other meds on top because my anxiety symptoms were being managed but not my depression or pain. I'm currently switching back to escitalopram because it was very helpful for my mood and anxiety symptoms and I am looking forward to it making a difference again.

At my last appointment I spoke to my doctor about the possibility of having OCD and what that would mean for me treatment wise - and she agreed with my therapist that I have it. I'm going to continue in therapy and hopefully get it in check along with the help of my antidepressants when I am fully titrated.

Additionally, at my last appointment I spoke to my doctor about the fact that my knees have been popping out of their sockets? (this is undetermined because it's just been momentary and I'm not entirely sure if they're actually popping out or if something else is happening) I have been added to a waitlist to get an MRI on my left knee because it has been the most problematic, but I am still waiting to hear back about it.

On the topic of my legs, my fibro flare up in addition to my knees popping out has made it so I am in too much pain to walk far distances. As someone who was previously very active and able to run several kilometers through the pain, the inability to even walk around the block without severe pain has been incredibly jarring. I am currently looking into forearm crutches to hopefully regain some control and ability to walk longer distances because it has been greatly impacting my life as of late. At my next appointment at the end of the month I'm going to ask my GP for a prescription for the crutches so I can get insurance to cover them. I am still looking for good quality crutches that are available in Canada, so if anyone has suggestions please let me know!

Overall, I'm experiencing a lot of grief towards the development of my disability. I'm really struggling to come to terms with everything and I've felt very isolated due to my inability to comfortably get out of the house or do things I enjoy. I may make a more lengthy post about that because I've had a lot of big conversations with my mum and therapist about it and I think it may be something others can relate too.

I hope people are as good as they can be and are getting the rest they need :)

Soup

[bunnakit]

last twilight e8 thoughts, feelings, and tears

ok i cried for like 10 minutes after the episode ended so forgive me if this isn't up to par of what i usually do. apparently i'm fragile today.

there was a lot i liked and didn't like about this scene. in the past we've seen Day cling to the idea that someday he'll see again, that this is all temporary. instead of reiterating that, instead of talking about the cornea transplant, he instead asks "what can i do?" it's such an insanely massive sign of his growth. i'm so fucking proud of him. it made me so fucking emotional because while he's still upset, he's still hurt, he's still angry, he realizes his reality and he's making steps to move forward with that.

what i didn't like about this scene was once again Day's mother acts like Day's life is ending. she's been the number one person to coddle Day and to reassure him of this surgery that may never happen. i know she means well but fuck. this has to stop.

i also fucking hated the doctor for this. Day isn't fucking dying, there's still so much he can do even once his sight is completely gone. sure, he'll have some limitations, i get that. i can't swim in the ocean or rivers anymore. that fucking sucked to learn right before going on my honeymoon to the beach. but you know what i could still do? walk across the beach to the little hidden tide pools, sit on the jagged rocks, and watch the crabs and fish and anemones and everything thrive in this tiny little ecosystem. it was still amazing and something i may not have done if not for my disease keeping me from going in the water.

we're limited by our disabilities but we aren't fucking dead - life goes on around us and we can either participate in it or wallow in our fate. i'll talk about this more later.

you can skip this next paragraph if you don't want to see me babble on another personal anecdote.

i will say i saw a lot of myself in this moment. something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. i learned my disability is no longer responding to the treatments and i'll have to have multiple surgeries next year to close some year old wounds and will probably need some skin grafts. my disease is no longer managed but once again getting worse. when the doctor told me i just nodded and discussed the game plan. meanwhile, my mom was heartbroken and kept asking if there was anything that could be done. (nothing that i'm not already doing.)

sometimes we just have to nod along and accept what's happening. we can cry about it and get pissed later if we have to.

ohhh there's so much i want to talk about here. Day's mom infuriates me, probably because she's the opposite of everything my mother ever was when faced with my disabilities. her constant refusal to address Day's blindness is so painful, as if it's somehow a reflection of him as a person or a stain. it's just a fact of life and her denial is doing so much more to hurt Day than to help him. as much as i hate it, though, it is realistic. it can be so hard for those close to us to acknowledge what's going on, especially when they can't experience it for themselves or they aren't around day to day.

which brings me to the part that frustrates me the most. i'm going to get REALLY personal here.

TW FOR SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH ->

i'll put another message when this little anecdote is over so ya'll can skip to that.

i've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since i was 15. when i was 16 i tried to kill myself. my mom didn't know until last year, but at the time she knew my depression was getting to a concerning level of bad. you know what she did? she quit her job. she made any sacrifice she could to stay home with me and make sure i was safe and felt heard and taken care of. granted, she wasn't a single mother at the time but we also weren't rolling in the money. my dad was a construction worker in the early 2000s when construction work was struggling HARD.

but that's what you do for your kids, that's what you do to take care of them and make them feel heard and loved and cared for unconditionally. my depression and desire to die wasn't a stain on who i was, it was my mind holding me hostage with no way out because they couldn't give me medication until i turned 18.

OKAY IT'S SAFE NOW ->

anyway, where i was going with that is that Day's mom, as a famous chef, clearly makes enough money to take time off work, to be there for her son, to stay home and make him feel loved and cared for. there's likely a lot going on on her end of being a single mother, of feeling like she needs to prove herself and show the world she can do this alone - but her son doesn't have to do it alone just because she wants to. he needs a support system and right now all he has is Mhok.

Day's anger is so real and so justified. he must feel abandoned by his mother, by the one person that should be there to comfort him and keep him safe. her love has become conditional on the state of his eyesight.

and then she tells him he can't go? he's not a fucking child. he's a full grown man and he was just told to do things while he still can see at least a little. i told my mom the exact part of the plot and her response was "well fuck her, he's gotta go." you're god damn right he does, mom.

everything Night does feels like repentance. i need know what the story is, i need to know what caused this massive fissure between them. i don't want to comment or speculate too much but at this point i can no longer condemn Night. he's trying, he's clearly trying so fucking hard, and he clearly has so much love for his brother.

and him giving Mhok money and letting him and Day escape because he knows Day will be happier? i really hope that is a step in the right direction of mending whatever was broken between them. there are only four episodes left and i hope bare minimum half of them deal with what is going on here.

The sea remains the sea. The sand remains the sand. The sky remains the sky. Though I can't see, everything remains the way it is.

and here we are. being diagnosed with a disability is a massive change in our lives, a huge hurdle we have to climb, but at the end of the day the world still turns, life still goes on, and we can either go with it or remain stagnant. this is the culmination of everything Mhok has shown Day. Mhok has constantly brought Day out to participate in life, to learn how to navigate the world that remains unchanged. while Day's world has changed it remains the same in so many ways. this is such a beautiful moment of acceptance and peace, of healing and moving past the hurt. once again, i am so proud of Day.

he's going to be okay.

i've seen others mention it but fuck this once again drove home how soft and caring Mhok is, something that's been so constant in this episode from his willingness to help Day, to the keychains, to the escape, and now this. this little act of asking for permission, of giving Day permission, of almost asking Day 'will you kiss me?' and then Day does. Day gives Mhok the first kiss initiated by him. until now it's always been Mhok but this time Day reaches out to Mhok in this gritty, sand filled kiss. (disgusting but still lovely)

and this really drove home how safe Day feels with Mhok. they're somewhere completely new and unpredictable but he suggests they drink and participate in the party - and i love that he doesn't ask for permission but rather says 'why not?' because Mhok has never made him feel like he needs to ask for things, not things he's fully capable of deciding for himself.

and they do! they act like the young adults they are and have an amazing night of just fun and laughter and love and i fucking love that for them. how many times have we seen Day get to act his age and be carefree? it's remarkably telling how free Day feels the further he gets from home, how free his love is when he isn't worried about his family. when he's away from home Day really becomes the sun.

(also i think i might make shirts like this with my husband as a fun activity because that's really cute.)

i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine. (i'm lying.) the amount of love they have from here on is almost palpable. the fact that Mhok takes the time to tell Day he looks good, that he's admiring him. fuck. it makes me think of just a bit before, where we see Day linger with his fingers against the mirror. Day hasn't seen his own reflection in over a year, he has no idea what he looks like anymore. he won't get to see the way age changes him, won't get to see the wrinkles and laugh lines form on his face.

but Mhok will be there to tell him, to say how handsome he is, and without fully seeing Mhok Day will know he is equally as handsome because he knows Mhok's voice, his character, and sure he knows what everyone has said about Mhok's appearance but who he is has always been more important.

and then for them to essentially say their own vows in the light of the setting sun? oh, my loves.

Day is starting a new chapter in the book of his life, a new chapter with Mhok and hope and confidence. he's taking back control and paving his own way and no matter what comes he'll face it head on.

i started crying here and didn't stop, P'Aof please i'm sending you bills not for my therapy but for all the water i have to buy to rehydrate myself from all my tears. once again, fucking hell i'm so proud of Day.

and he tells them to have a kid soon! so he can help raise it!! just like he'll probably help raise Porjai's kid. because he no longer sees himself as incapable, as someone unable to help. Mhok has shown him how capable he is, how much he can still do.

please allow me a moment to - AAAAAAAAA.

personally i cannot wait for all the gifsets we're going to see of this moment. they danced so perfectly together because they know each other. Mhok knows Day better than anyone else, they've gone through so much, and they move so intrinsically together. i'd say they know each other better than anyone else but there's still so much of Mhok left unexplored. there's so much Day still doesn't know, so much pain Mhok is still hiding.

i can't wait for them to truly know each other inside and out (not like that, but hey it looks like we're getting that next ep eeeyy)

i'm not really going to comment on the dad showing up at the end. i feel almost nothing about that, i'm just waiting to see how that turns out and reserving my opinions for now. (i had a shit dad, i'm a little bais.)

man, i'd hoped this would be brief with how raw i was feeling and how busy i am with work but GUESS NOT. thanks for reading as always tag loves: @nutcasewithaknife @benkaaoi @callipigio @infinitelyprecious

[pink-slay]

I cannot begin to describe you each small horror of being severely disabled, except I can, and I am.

Many low supports need people dislike distinctions between HSN/severe disability and LSN and ambulatory disability, but there are some days, weeks, moments where the distinction is just so important.

Don't get me wrong, my support needs being identified how they are allows me to receive home healthcare and other things I could not otherwise access without diagnosis and labels and severity. However, that isn't what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about community and loneliness-- isolation and dehumanization and loss.

Cleaning is particularly challenging even though I'm just talking to the person so it goes somewhat how I want it, but the anger that brews inside me has a lot to do with the fact that being severely disabled puts me at the whims of others in every minuscule thing in my life, and it is a struggle non-severely disabled people or those without caregivers simply do not have.

Yes, people with LSN disabilities have to deal with being somewhat at the whims of others (and there are others who have to deal with it more so than me), but I can't even take things out of my caregiver's hands and do them for myself. It isn't just painful; I literally cannot.

I loved the way I did things before my physical disability progressed (and I know to have a before at all is a privilege). It was extraordinarily difficult, but I still had so much more control. I have OCD (genuinely not like trendy) and (lower support needs) autism and I have a very specific process of systematically cleaning and organizing my room too.

However, caregivers care about efficiency (even sometimes friends or family members). They often don't give a fuck about where stuff is or if it's accessible to you after the fact. They just need it out of their way. They just want your space to look less ugly.

I just keep thinking about this and how it is so so so unfair. So many people have posted similar things, but today it is just getting to me. So much has happened when trying to receive care that entirely devalues any preference I have (and often my needs).

I've been told to be polite and kind which did not allow for involuntary wincing to significant changes to my organization system. I was told wincing was rude, and if that was going to continue, my caregiver would stop.

I've been entirely ignored in the process despite willingness and wanting to help explain complex organizational systems I try (and usually fail due to disability and uncaring caregivers) to fulfill.

I've gotten reactions of disgust or pity.

All I try to do is be polite. Sometimes my tone is more flat. Sometimes it looks like I may sob. However, always, I end up feeling emptier afterwards. I try so much in every way in my life, but when I stand up for myself, it's as if I am universally perceived as overbearing.

People say disabled people deserve autonomy, but often they don't like that autonomy in practice.

Months ago I read my mother a post about disabled autonomy and she said how it really opened her eyes, all while she wasn't respecting my choices, wants, and needs.

Disabled people are pitied and hated and ignored, but if you could see all the bright colors I coordinate and all the squishmallows and earrings and storage containers I have, you would know how much every little thing means to me.

Non-disabled people and LSN disabled people make choices every day. Choices we all inevitably have varying opinions on, but those choices should be just that: choices.

If severely disabled people are denied such a right to choose the most basic or joyous things, disabled people may survive, but we don't truly live.

[spectres-fulcrum]

ALSO! I started Duty and Inclination, a published Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens romance novel that is wonderfully historically accurate and is feat. the Washington military family and I love it to bits. The only complaints I have is I've noticed a couple grammar issues but legit everything else is fantastic

The romance is fantastic. Like every bit one up the last scene. I think I really have to love the earliest parts the most though

Hamilton spending days/weeks wondering Lauren's true hair color and is so shocked-even though it was SO coming- the night after they discussed that Laurens cannot keep powdering his hair forever Laurens comes down with unpowdered hair and is just like. Amazed by the color. Honey hair.

Honestly I had never considered the romantic possibility of unpowdered hair but it was amazing pre feelings realization tension and I just. Top 5 romantic things

Also Hamilton finding John's art and not realizing it and the way it leads to their first kiss and it's all okay. God I loved it. \

The dance lessons!

Stolen moments and kisses and touches and wait Dress fits them

John telling Alexander to call him Jack when Alexander is sick and they're talking about St Croix! Alexander saying all his struggles back there was preferable to losing "My Sweet" when John had the musket wound!

The final birthday gift!

I just love them

Also also also also when Laurens first arrives to the encampment the sentries tell him Washington's tent is very French at the current moment... I grinned cause, yeah, we know he loves Lafayette(And sure enough Lafayette was in the tent)

The family though!!!! Horsegirlie Meade! Teasing Tilghman for destroying stuff! The way everyone hates Reed but loves and adores and supports each other! Washington insisting they do dinner together almost every night for a family activity! He and Lafayette worrying over how worried John was for Hamilton!

The morning Hamilton changed tried to change Laurens bandages but Meade took over for him babying John and being too slow and then Fitzgerald was awake and Tilghman slept on and Hammie was just like Oh, good morning :D to John and Tilghman groans, like that woke him and Meade laughed, Fitz scolded him, and John just looks at the sunlight in Hammie's hair and it's all golden.

Favorite Fitzgerald line: "Happy Birthday, Laurens. Have a war." Truer words were never spoken

I'm about to start Ch 10, Lady Washington Comes To Valley Forge and I'm super excited cause in this house we ship George Washington/Lafayette AND love Martha(and cry over her daughter and love the fact that she and George didn't hide their disabled daughter(Well technically his stepdaughter but the marriage happened when Patsy was two so she was basically his daughter) away when her seizures started or at any point, encouraging her to live a normal life until she died during a seizure.) So I hope that Martha brings a lot of fun.

[prodigal-explorer]

my roleplay information/application!

hey guyssss, so like i'm kinda desperate for rp partners so i'm just gonna try my luck here and see if any of y'all are interested in rping with me! feel free to read through this information and message me if you are interested!! as long as you meet my requirements, i would love to rp with you!!

basic information

i am 18 (19 in a few weeks) and i'm okay rping with any age, but i will not rp anything relating to nsfw with a minor. not even implied nsfw, it's just very uncomfortable. but if you're 18+, i'll rp anything on this list with you!

i only rp semi-lit/descriptive. this means at least five sentences, detailed responses that aren't just surface level. it's hard to respond to stuff that's lazy, so please please please just put in the effort if you want high quality responses in return!

the fandoms i roleplay are sanders sides, undertale, your turn to die, and omori. i dabble in oc rp, but it's not very common for me since i don't really have many ocs that i like enough to rp with.

my favorite types of roleplay are heavy angst and whump. i love really dark concepts, and it's rare that i won't do something that's dark and angsty. i struggle with concepts that are just fluff because i prefer rps with a lot of conflict and struggle.

my only triggers are constant discussion about body type/comparing body types and descriptive talk of medical needles. other than that i will do literally anything lol.

i am filipino-american, audhd, physically disabled, and i love to incorporate these aspects of my identity into the characters i play. if you don't like that, we probably won't make very good rp partners.

i hate hate HATE poking. please don't remind me of the rp after ten minutes of me not responding. please don't remind me of the rp after ten HOURS of me not responding. i know it exists, i just need time to reply. if you nag me about responding, i probably will wait even longer to reply because it's intimidating.

i love to chat oorp! feel free to leave a silly message, even if it has nothing to do with rp!

scroll all the way to the bottom of the post if you want to see writing examples!! below are just specific tidbits of information pertaining to each fandom i rp!

sanders sides specific information

the main side i love to play is roman. i will always want to play roman in every single tss rp, he's just me, he's my number one homie, my favorite character of all time.

i can also play any of the other sides, but my characterization for them is not as solid as roman.

i don't really like patton in roleplays unless he's a minor character or an antagonist/villain. i am very good at playing patton as a villain, but i don't really like playing him in any other context. i have so many aus where patton is a villain or antagonist, so if that's your jam, you've come to the right place!

i will do mindscape or human aus, i love both!

i am okay with ocs but i will not do canon side x female oc. it just makes me very uncomfortable to ship sides with female characters.

some of my favorite ships are roceit, prinxiety, logince, anaroceit, analogical, intrulogical, and loceit.

the only ships i WILL NOT do are moxiety, royality, moceit, logicality, intruality, and remrom. every other ship, i'm completely okay with.

i love rping as remy or emile picani!!

i have SO MANY IDEAS for this fandom. like literally hundreds of aus. so please message me if you want to rp anything with angst, or drama, or anything like that because i have SO MUCH.

undertale specific information

so fun fact i'm actually kind of bad at undertale rp.

it's not that i'm awful i just don't have a lot of experience, but i'm working on it!

the main characters i like to play are papyrus, undyne, alphys, toriel, asgore, and gaster.

i can also play asriel/flowey, sans, frisk, mettaton, grillby, and chara if necessary.

i am totally fine with ocs, bring them on!

i don't really like rps with the au sans stuff? nothing against it, i just don't really know much about it and in the nicest way possible i don't really care. i prefer to stick with canon and prequel/sequel aus instead of aus that change up the characters' personalities and stuff.

my favorite undertale au of all time is handplates i have so many thoughts about it and i would love to rp it!

i love angsty rps but undertale is actually one of the only fandoms where i love to rp fluff for it. undertale is just such a goofy game and i love emulating that style of humor in rp!

ships i enjoy are soriel, papyton, alphyne, sansby, and whatever the ship name for alphys x gaster is?

the only undertale ships i WILL NOT rp are anything involving the child characters (frisk, chara, asriel, monster kid), and anything that ships undyne with a guy. i'm also not a huge fan of asgore x toriel but i'll do it if you really want me to!

your turn to die specific information

i am so new to rping in this fandom but i really want to anyway!! trust, i know all the lore, i just need some solid experience!

my favorite characters to play are jou, reko, nao, gin, kai, shin, hiyori, and sara.

i will play q-taro, mishima, or alice if necessary!

i am very bad at keiji, i don't think i can play him well.

i love canon and au roleplays equally! i would love to do either way!

i like pretty much all the ships, it would be easier to list ships i don't like.

i don't like any ships that involve the little kids (kanna, gin, hinako), any ships with a huge age gap (especially sara x keiji), and shin x hiyori. it's just...no.

omori specific information

i am very new to the fandom, so please have mercy on me if i get something wrong lol!

my favorite characters to play are kel, hero, aubrey, and mari!

i can play sunny if necessary.

i will not play basil. i actually don't like basil being present in roleplays, he's just a character i personally dislike. i'm fine with him showing up occasionally as a minor character, but i just don't like him being a big part of roleplays.

i will roleplay canon and aus! i love both! but bear in mind i am a bit more hesitant to rp ships in canon, but in aus i have zero reservations!

my favorite ships are anything involving sunny, kel, and aubrey being together, but my number one otp is hero x mari!

the only ships i WILL NOT do are ships that have basil in them, especially basil x sunny or basil x kel. they just don't sit right with me personally.

i don't really know much about the minor characters of the game...i might need a bit of guidance if you want to use a character that isn't a part of the main six! but i am completely fine with it as long as you're okay with me being a bit clueless.

writing samples!!!

The streets were soft, the dusty sidewalks concealed by powdery snow that made Brooklyn look like a wedding. Roman stepped lightly, wondering how high he would have to hold himself to keep his foot from sinking in the snow, ruining the shiny white blanket that protected his bare feet from the cruel asphalt.

His book remained tucked under his jacket, as if it needed protection from the biting wind. Roman didn’t think it was possible for something that carried such beautiful notions and ideas to be unfeeling, so he acted as though there was a beating heart somewhere between the pages. Nobody had ever told him there wasn’t one, so what was the harm in believing if it made the sky feel brighter, and the air feel warmer, and the world feel more connected?

When he came back to the small, tucked-away alley that he and his brothers were currently living in, he was happy to see a little fire that he could warm himself beside while he opened his new book, aching to see what was inside.

--

"Protect...me?"

Roman was unfamiliar. He was always used to protecting other people. He was tall, graceful and beautiful. Couldn't really throw a punch, but he had a way with his words that could get him absolutely anything he wanted. Including peace. He was used to standing between bullies and victims, seducing with his sweet smile and long eyelashes. Making anybody feel like they've been blessed just looking at him. With his parents always gone, and nobody to hold him during nightmares, Roman had gotten used to holding himself. But now, he just wanted to be protected so badly. He wanted to be truly loved by somebody besides himself.

"Okay..." he whispered, "Okay."

--

"Oh! Do you guys want to go to that restaurant across the street?" Patton asked, "We performed so well tonight, I think we all deserve a treat! Virgil, you hit that syncopation perfectly, and Janus, that riff was amazing! The crowd went wild for us! Drinks will be on me, as long as you all promise not to drink too much. I'll be the designated driver too. What do you say??"

Of course, this invitation was not extended to Logan. Patton didn't even notice Logan in the area, assuming that he was off sweeping the stage or packing up the van. Patton was the one who decided what everybody did, and he usually gave Logan the grease-work like that. He didn't really care very much about Logan, just because Logan wasn't as close to the group. There wasn't that bond of performing show after show, having fans that requested autographs, being followed and gushed over by paparazzi.

Since Logan was never onstage, nobody knew the face or identity of the man who wrote the songs that all these fans were so crazy about. And Patton sort of preferred it that way. He didn't really like the idea of Logan being a face of their band. Unlike Janus and Virgil, Patton wasn't sure how the public eye would recieve Logan. The man wasn't remotely ugly, but he was rather plain-looking. He tended to blend into the background of the rooms he occupied. He wasn't the type of look one would expect to be in a hugely successful band.

All the others had their "niche". Patton was the sweetheart, the nice one, the innocent one. Virgil was the quiet, brooding, mysterious one. And Janus was the charmer, able to seduce anyone with a wink and a smile. What was Logan? He didn't talk very much, he wasn't particularly nice, brooding, or seductive. Patton didn't like that Logan didn't exactly have an archetype. He didn't quite fit in.

--

Roman tilted his head with a polite smile and an appropriate amount of interest as Logan disclosed his name. It was nothing familiar to him, but he did think it was a beautiful-sounding name. He always loved when people's first and last names started with the same letter. It felt like a name out of a fairy-tale when it had that feature.

Listening to what Logan was saying, Roman couldn't help but go red, very embarrassed. He was bad at English, but he certainly wasn't stupid. He could tell that Logan was euphemizing heavily in order to preserve Roman's feelings, which made Roman both embarrassed that Logan felt the need to do this, and honored that Logan cared so much about how he felt. It was a really sweet gesture, honestly.

"You write music too?" he asked, very curious. "I would love to sing a song by you wrote. You will...pay me? Money?"

Roman wondered if Logan was offering him a job, or just wanting to have a jam session as friends and colleagues. He would be happy with either option, but he wanted to manage his expectations there and then, so there would be less awkwardness from false assumptions.

--

Roman looked at it and smiled as he read through the lyrics, his eyes carefully scanning from left to right as he ingested each lyric. His smile only grew.

"It is okay," he said, "I like messy handwriting. It means...it means your brain moves fast, and your hand must hurry to follow. I like this song. I think...I want to sing it. Do you want me to sing here? In front of everyone?"

Roman would definitely be willing to give Logan's song some publicity. And he adored the thrill of singing a song for the first time in front of a whole crowd of people. Roman wasn't the type to get stage fright. The more risky a performance was, the more excited he was to try and execute it. Roman had a bit of a shame deficiency, such was obvious with him singing those lyrics he wrote out loud multiple times.

His eyes were shining with enthusiasm, but also, with gratitude. He was thankful to Logan for the opportunity he had to bring this song to life, this brand new song that no one had ever heard before. The idea that its first breath of auditory life would be coming from Roman's own voice was so romantic that it almost made Roman want to sing it right there and then so he wouldn't have to wait anymore.

[safety-pin-punk]

I've been wanting to dress more punk but I'm worried because the place I live is more on the conservative, "why would anyone dress like that around children" kind of place. Any ideas for subtle and/or cheap (I'm disabled and making money I don't need to live off of is difficult) punk stuff I can add to my wardrobe?

Cheap:

Do you have clothes that are so worn they are falling apart? Or you just dont wear them? Those are your DIY/repairing your other clothes fabric now.

If you struggle to DIY, see if someone can help out a bit here and there

When you have to shop for more clothes, hit the thrift stores. Most shops have weekly discounts on some pieces one way or another. At the store I work at, if something has been in the store for 5 weeks, it goes to 50%, and at the end of that week its 99¢. Its a good way to stock pile clothes for cheap

Ive gotten a lot of cool patches at garage sales and flea markets for pretty cheap, if you are able, I recommend taking time to find and go to some every now and then

Subtle:

If you are straight edge, variations of SXE or X

Variations of ACAB (a favorite of mine is All Cats Are Beautiful)

A black cat is used as an anarchy symbol I believe (someone should fact check me there)

Patches about adventure/individuality usually fly by just fine (“I was not made to be subtle” or “Dare to live the life you’ve always wanted”)

Book quotes. I have 2+2=5 on my jacket. It confuses some people, but anyone whose read 1984 knows that theres a good chance I’m anti government. If anyone else asks, well they cant complain too much about you reading. Just ask if they’d rather you be on your phone all day

Things that sound patriotic or non punk opinions but really are if you think too hard about them (“We the people are upset” or “With freedom comes responsibly”)

[wolfislost]

Touching Base

TL;DR: I'm trying to get back in touch with my kin side.

I've been neglecting my kin side pretty heavily lately. I know this might seem a little strange, given that I made a post not that long ago about how my experience of being alterhuman is a lot more balanced nowadays. In the grand scheme of things however, i'm still a fledgling here. I've been a part of the community for a little under three years. Joining the community more or less coincided with beginning to properly explore this part of myself. All of this is to say, i'm still very early in this journey. As to be expected, I'm still making mistakes and figuring out how to live happily as an alterhuman.

I've been wrapped up in human stress, for a while now. To some extent, it's my own fault. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to spend every waking moment possible being productive. This is made even worse given the fact that i'm disabled, and thus have additional struggles on top of that pressure. Even when relaxing or talking to friends, I find some way to sneak work in somehow.

To be clear, this is not a good thing. I'm not romanticising the grind or whatever. The grind sucks. I'm throwing myself into this thing that I hate, because it's the best path I have to my goals right now. Still wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You might see where this is going already. I've been working constantly on tasks that require my human side to perform, or they fall apart. I'm doing them constantly, unless I'm sleeping or otherwise incapacitated. That's not an environment where being a werewolf is really possible. I HAVE to maintain my human state, or sacrifice productivity.

So I've found myself completely distanced from something that's a really important part of who I am. It isn't just work, I don't really have any opportunities to be myself in my social life right now either.

So yesterday I ran into the woods.

Technically it wasn't as spontaneous as that, but I did go to the woods. And I stayed there. I'm not sure how many hours it was, but it was enough to start realising something.

I'm badly out of touch.

Alone in the woods, surrounded by small mammals and fresh air. I should have been the most shifty I've been in a while. But it was only a faint echo. I had to consciously make myself let go and loosen up. Even then, it was limited. Restricted. I struggled to fully lose myself and be free.

It's clear that I've seriously hindred my ability to feel and express myself freely. To just exist as a werewolf in three dimensional space. It's frustrating and disheartening but it's also my own fault. I pushed too hard for too long, and i'm paying the price.

I don't intend to just leave things here though.

For now at least, I plan on going back to the woods. Once every two weeks at least. I want to make time spent in nature a more frequent part of my routine. It'll help get my stress levels to a manageable level. With time, it should also let me get back in touch with what I've lost.

If there's a lesson in all this, I suppose it's not to take my urges and general kin side for granted. It can be trouble, it can be uncomfortable. But it's also important. And at times fun. It's part of who I am.

[minhosbitterriver]

okay i promise this is the last one for know since i know your requests are piling up😭

it’s a bit of a change of pace from what i usually ask for, but would you be comfortable writing a small ot6 reaction of how the heroes would be with an autistic/adhd partner?

like how they’d react to their stims or going on and on about their special interests? maybe helping them when they experience sensory overload or burnout? how they react to that autistic rizz😎

i saw on your “about me” page that you also have audhd, so i know i can trust you with this topic. and as you know i’m moving back home from another country, and i really struggle with transitioning, so these new couple weeks are going to be so mentally and physically exhausting.

again, only if you’re comfortable writing it!! i know mental disabilities aren’t the easiest topics to talk about, let alone write about!!

okay i promise i’m done for now. sending lots of love🫶🫶

- 🍀

This was genuinely such a pleasure to write 🥹 I can't even explain how soft this made me as I was proofreading it, I love it so much 💕 I do have to preface the fact that the way I decided to portray AuDHD in these pieces is mostly similar to the way it presents in me, but of course, not everyone's AuDHD looks the same! Still, I tried to keep it as relatable as I could. I especially dedicated Junhan's part to you, so I hope it brings you some kind of comfort during these hard times 🥺🫶

I won't even lie, I don't think I've ever really written something like this before, so it was kind of a head-scratcher for me for a little bit while I tried to figure out how to approach it because like you said, it can be quite difficult to talk/write about disabilities in general (and we all know that ADHD and autism are just one big spectrum, so it makes it just a little more complicated). But I'm actually really happy with how it came out, and it ended up being so self-indulgent and fun, so thank you!

Can I ask by what date you're supposed to have already moved? You don't have to answer, of course, I'm just curious.

SIDE NOTE: I received your message this morning and again, please don't apologize! I seriously completely understand that life is hectic recently, so please — make sure to take deep breaths and rest when you need to, make sure to eat and hydrate yourself for extra strength! That said, thank you for answering my question! I haven't had the chance to really touch it yet, but I have a few ideas that I want to try and see if it fits the vibe I want to go for with the threesome 🤭 ── ( 𝐱𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐞𝐬 )

─── ⋆⋅☆ STEADY LOVE

( 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 ) ( 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 & 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 ) ( 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ) ( 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 ) 7.4k

[loveandlegacy]

ok have been turning this over for several weeks now but sincerely can someone tell me if i'm being stupid because it seems like prior to episode 8 viktor has absolutely no idea that he's just basically magic-lobotomizing everyone in his cult and it's making me feel crazy. i have most of this under a cut for people who don't want to read criticism (very fair) so yk proceed with caution.

but to this question like.... we get that one scene of viktor speaking through salo which is more or less framed as something preternatural and creepy but then the most significant experience the text gives us of what HE sees of people's minds is when he's trying to heal vander/warwick and that sequence is presented like he (and sky!) thinks he's doing something good and helpful. nothing about the actual language of the visuals is horrific or disturbing other than the way in which it presents vander's clearly tormented psyche which has nothing to do with viktor at that point.

he even says to singed that he doesn't want to sacrifice vander's humanity but then in the span of like a single episode he's like jk actually i love obliterating brains – but then even the end of the season kind of contradicts this because jayce's "this is what you see?" line makes it seem somehow like viktor is only aware of the glowing congregation in the stars and completely oblivious to the fact that he has shell-ified everyone in pursuit of a painless world. except he also does seem to be ACTIVELY aware that he has done that when he "evolves" his dead cultists and vander (see: the dissolving of vander's memories) and then presumably later ambessa's noxian soldiers. also if he were oblivious to it then the whole thing about regretting it and needing jayce to like. explain disability justice to him would be entirely superfluous.

obvs i have a lot of issues with s2 overall but i do generally try to approach a narrative with the attitude that i have something to learn from it and that it is worthwhile to investigate it further when i find myself confused but i think part of what is frustrating about viktor's arc is that his eventual villainy seems like. completely inconsequential? at least to me. for the front half of the season everything i can identify tells us that he's basically clueless to the possibility that he could be doing something bad to these people and does sincerely want to help them even if his methods are questionable. but then for no particular reason that i can point to he abruptly decides zombifying everyone rules actually with not much personal struggle in between. the only moment where we seem to get a 'whoa now brother that might not be the right idea' beat is when he tells singed he wants to supersede nature. maybe it's overly bitchy of me but im like lol yeah that is a weak pivot point considering all of how he behaved prior to that literal moment. it feels so distinctly different from the slow descent into increasingly selfish choices in s1 that leads him to kill sky. like yes it's clearly creepy and bad but it doesn't really seem to have anything to do with viktor as a person, it's just like yeah dude. imagine if someone decided they had invented the best version of eugenics. that would factually be really shitty