#idefc posts

[idontexistforcontext]

MY SON IS WHAT??

[idontexistforcontext]

Ohhh do i have a treat for you (and any other dami stans out there!!) These are probably going to be VERY fanon angst and tbh some of these are a couple years old and I haven’t reread all of them, so potential warning for the Morrison-type Al-Ghuls 😔😔

One-shots (5000-25000 words):

This Too Shall Pass by DarthPeezy

Paint Cans and Sneaking Out by CarrionCarnival

Know Your Place (and how to live in it) by songbirdblues

always an angel, never a god by Sapphic_terror —> MCD in this

one rust-ridden blade juts out by strawberrv

Six Months of Alice by SunnyBlue

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere by mizata

Multi-chapter long fics (40000-75000):

Throughout Infinity by flumen

I think I Broke The Wings Of a Little Songbird by alchemistsarego —> this is angst all around so there’s multi-character whump, but still focuses on Damian

the entombment of idolization by make_your_own_world —> again, multi-character whump, less focused on Damian than ^

Love Tim Drake, he’s my favourite, but dammit I just want to find a Damian centric fic that doesn’t involve Tim whump or Jason ones that aren’t about him being sexy or slash reader please I love Tim but come on pleaseeeee

I’m begging for fic recommendations please 🙏

[bandofchimeras]

more personality disorder longposting

BPD is like, hm none of these material goals accomplishments or tasks matter to me, only Being Loved. and then as soon as you are like okay, i will go out and attempt to allow someone to Love Me, its like PSYCH! being loved is a sham. what matters is material goals accomplishments and tasks. which you have rejected and the absence of which render you unlovable. die alone and WORTHLESS! get bent!

_______ part of the difficult nature of healing personality disorders is that being loved actually does help, a lot, but there are so many emotional and mental barriers to A. allowing yourself to be loved and B. finding people patient enough to see your value under the Complex that it can feel sort of impossible. and that of course the core issue is self-rejection and deep deep deep set insecurities and therapy can help. but the most painful symptom is isolation.

i would sign a contract to kill one hundred people with machetes if it guaranteed meeting just one person whose presence gave me access to that feeling of Being Alive and Okay consistently and knowing they wouldn't eventually make a sour face and go 'woah you're so damaged' and leave.

that is what people are talking about with "narcissists" "feeding" or finding a source of self esteem. you are all talking about a group of people that largely overlaps with autistic people and survivors of abuse and making them out to be evil, unworthy of life, for needing external sources for something they 'should' produce internally (self-worth, love, etc). i have been wanting to write something about neutralizing the concept of parasites, or at least symbiotes, that don't do damage to their hosts, and the very concept of disability.

if someone's legs are blown off and they need to be carried everywhere, when you get tired, is the solution to call them horrible manipulative and selfish, and leave them to sit until someone else picks them up, or drag themselves across the ground? or do you say you're tired and ask for help, and see if you can come up with an assistive device? why can't I require other life to survive? why can't we accept some people get hurt in ways that leave them unable to do or source things independently without assistive technology or spiritual technology (community values)? what i'm pointing out is the social mechanism of abandonment at capacity is at the heart of ableism.

/can/ someone with a personality disorder survive without support for their self-esteem or sense of self? as much as a person with no legs /can/ move themselves, its just painful, inefficient, and emotionally excruciating to know how it felt to be carried, and lose that support. and the goal isn't permanent dependence, its recovery of ability, or adaptive support to navigate without that ability, often an ability stripped at an early age. if you aren't the one, that's fine, but the demonization leads to further loss of supports.

now that's not to say pwPD or autistic people or anyone with any kind of disability can't become exploitative, manipulative, or abusive. there is no 'right' to anothers support. but that isolation and demonization/pathologization are cruel responses, symptomatic of a more broadly cruel culture in which we don't truly matter to each other. i personally can't support people w self esteem and personality disorders very well as my own 'supply' is extremely limited/situational and when its exhausted i can barely function. i keep a distance because i know when they exhibit certain symptoms i'm going to react the way i react to myself which is Not Great. healing my relationship to myself isn't done with a wave of the wand. there was a Metric Tonne of intense self hatred packed into me & my bloodline for such a long time that the surface scratching of counseling won't change much - we require a volcanic eruption, a total revolution of the Self, and although there's been tremors and minor changes so far, the real change is sort of locked until we can figure out this Love business and advance to the next level.

the real suicide prevention is believing in reincarnation bc we never ever ever ever ever want to learn the lessons of this lifetime again jesus fucking buddha christ i swear to every spirit this is the Last Lifetime for this particular karmic shit bundle.

also PDA makes all of this fucking hell but that's another day another dollar.

[sharksa-shivers]

Tempted to post another dialog thing but...hrmmmm, this one has like a dead body in it so uhhhhhhh...Lol, idk, that too spicy or? The shows literally about a murderous demon cult wanting to take over the world and the people trying to stop said cult so i feel like this'd be p obvious stuff to have in a show like that at least every once in a while but uhhhhh idk, it is kinda gore-y...Hrmmmm Idk, post or no? I do wanna post more edgy-ish stuff now that i don't feel as damn restricted so idk lol... (doing a poll literally knowing i might post it anyway, i truly am very smart lolololol)

[idontexistforcontext]

- Army brat, absolutely 100%

- Dead mother, absent/harsh father, vaguely distant siblings, sorry smth gotta be womp womp

- As baby, he was raised by his maternal grandmother (inspo from verte_orchidée on ao3!!) in north western xianle but she was too old to be caring full time for an energetic toddler, so he shuffled between his sisters’ stations throughout his childhood via messaging/trade routes between the north and west bases, pretty much living as grunt/errand boy, part time physician’s assistant (being nimble and all that and able to forage and get into small spaces), and trainee soldier

- He had two significantly older sisters, who were more like his personal drill sergeants (caring, but strict and mostly absent due to being busy outpost or married)

-> His foul vocab so comes from them, also by the imperial guards who later professionally trained him and his older peers (to be imperial guards)

-> One sister was stationed north, the other west, and his father stationed east. His family joked that they left the south all for him, but he was a lonely child and asked why couldn’t he just share and go with one of them? Jokes time skip ~20yrs you now share martial defence of the south (took after his father in the east bc I like irony)

- He seldom ever made his way to the eastern front with his father, who was very emotionally distant from him but very insistent that a Feng son’s role in life was to defend their family first and foremost and that he would not tolerate having a son follow in his footsteps by failing the women of their family (he blames himself for his wife’s premature passing and his inability to return to care for his mother-in-law, but understands and is proud that his daughters are capable in and of themselves independently, but still feels guilty for not letting them be ‘proper’ ladies and feels like he led them to a taxing occupation)

-> When FX was in the eastern front, he wasn’t treated any better than the grunts of his father’s camp, not badly just more harsh than how his sisters treated him (which was distant at best, they were very busy being both generals of their own squadrons, and women) and really putting that rift between a father and his son, who inevitably followed in his footsteps

-> Jian Lan is amazing and did not deserve her fate, FX and her so deserved to be happy together but alas his heart wasn’t completely into it and she deserved his full support. Saying it right here and now that I believe she was in the right to ‘end’ things with him, she’s honestly such a complex character, I’m gonna have to reread the novels to fully see how canon plays out. She’s fr the Lily evans of tgcf imo (coming from a regulus apologist btw that’s my baby boy). Sure not telling FX about the pregnancy (IF SHE EVEN KNEW IT AT THE TIME bc why are we assuming that she did??), but I headcanon that FX is genuinely more submissive in his relationships, but he doesn’t realise what that entails or how to even recognise his needs, so it just translates into passiveness. That passiveness is a major reason why Jian Lian broke up with him. Not that she thought he could provide for her nor their baby should he come to be born (which he didn’t), but she couldn’t picture herself as the wife of a man who wasn’t as assertive as she was. It was also a trauma response from her own SA pre-fall and the man who thought that she had to be married to him to cover the shame, she was raised to think differently and she’d be damned if she had to depend upon any man, let alone FX, to raise her child

- It’s at these bases that royal scouts met him and decided that, despite his age, he had great potential (esp due to his familial lineage) and requested he be put into training with the imperial guards

-> Honestly the age thing really enticed them since that meant they could build (ahem, manipulate) a soldier from the get go without having to worry about actually raising a baby themselves

-> With his sisters in such high power in the army, they decided why not let their little brother have his own chance, it just meant he was to get even better training than they could provide and be safer in the capitol, especially since they themselves were too busy to be caring for a child amongst their duties

- Obviously martial arts prodigy (esp with bow), to be THE IMPERIAL BODYGUARD to XL at 14 what the fuck (not to mention he ascended from pure martial might??)

-> He was already on the training to be part of the next gen of palace imperial guards, but XL saw him and was like “I want this one!“ when they were kid-kids

-> The only reason he was allowed to be the imperial bodyguard was bc while XL was already a prodigy himself, XL was also spoiled and low-key lonely plus his parents were already looking for a personal imperial bodyguard for him. FX providing long distance defence was handy, and the fact that they were similar age was a bonus

-> FX still had to undergo rigorous martial training for years, and hence cutting off connections from his already busy family when he was about 8-10yrs old. Being so focused on his new duty to XL and being so young, he didn’t really have a choice in the matter and as he grew up, he never really had that realisation of missing them between XL’s ascension and Xianle going to shit

- Given that XL was so proficient in martial arts, his role as bodyguard was more him being a shield/mother hen for XL (fighting on XL’s orders and ensuring XL was always presentable (see: XL running ab barefoot on carpet and FX making sure he wore his shoes) bc princely decorum, ensuring XL wasn’t training too hard, makeshift medic even for the tiniest nicks, emotional and physical outlet, etc)

-> That’s mainly why he was so distrustful and callous to Mu Qing even after their initial meeting: jealousy that MQ was also that for XL. It was also bitterness that MQ was able to achieve that by simply existing (not true at all but this is FX’s skewed teenage pov) whereas he sacrificed everything of his own and dedicated years of training to be. But of course, FX never actually realises this because he doesn’t see his past as a sacrifice so he just thinks he’s irrationally angry with MQ all the time

-> It also meant that a lot of FX’s training was spent on learning life saving manoeuvres, how to make emergency poultices (i.e. for wounds, not general illness like the king’s), field medicine, etc etc, building on the basic treatments for minor wounds gained from training he knew back at his sisters’ camps. I haven’t reread the novels in years but I feel like the Yongan-Xianle war (particularly FX and MQ’s role in it) wasn’t very elaborated on other than the hualian history of it all. I could just be misremembering tho bc again, it’s been years

- I reckon SOMETHING had to have happened to his sisters, he’s canonically fearful of women (even pre his own ascension) and avoids them so that gynophobia had to stem from something more than just the ju yang thing. Definitely to do with his father’s self hatred imprinting on him

-> OR something to do with the queen. He had 2+ months with just her and the king (who was already quite sick at that point so any relationship with the king would probably be very distant) and she canonically really liked FX even before the fall of Xianle. Technically she was as close to a mother he had… and it is implied that he might know the origin of Rouye… and if he really did go back to the little hut after the king and queen died…

- Then everything proceeds as canon goes! There’s still blank space between FX being dismissed by XL, and FX’s ascension I haven’t figured out yet, but these are my brainworms

Feng Xin fans, we'd like to hear from you today! 🏹Tell us, what are your headcanons about Feng Xin's backstory? We're very curious!

[playchoicesconfessions]

Sent by anonymous

‘Why do I end up forgiving a character that didn't believe me if I really wasn't guilty? Irl, if somebody turned their back on me I would've forget them real fast, I don't play games with people, either you're with me or you're not idefc’

POST/CONFESSIONS DO NOT REFLECT THE MOD’S PERSONAL OPINIONS!

[thoughts-and-all-that]

why are you such a fucking bitch. fuck you with your fucking 'i dont give a fuck that you got rightfully mad that some teenage brat is calling your existence a joke so you called him a brat for, yknow, BEING A BRAT'. why the fuck do i always have to be the bigger person. im sick of being the bigger person.

im on my last strings with this group idefc man. if i get demoted or smthn like this happens one more time. i dont even care ill just leave. what the fuck is one more restart on my pile of dozens. these people are barely close to me anyway. not like theyll fucking care. and itll just end up being one more group of people who hate me in the end. not unusual.

im only really friends with like, one or two of them, but also not really. when was the last time we played a game together, VCd together, any of that? its been forever. i could join the vc anytime but theyre always playing shit idc about and talking about shit idc about. why cant i ever be what i care about. why not ask to play the game they know i love. even just for an hour or two.

i know im always forcing others to prove they care about me without me even telling them thats what im doing but like... they dont really prove it much. theyll hit me up if i go silent and then i come back and the cycle repeats

its always like this. why cant i just find the place where i truly connect with people and everything is just fine. why is it always something.

all i wanna fucking do is play minecraft and talk about whatever dorky kids show/movie im obsessing over this time. why is that so hard.

maybe its me, but like, im literally so fucking chill if people arent being stupid, but they get stupid so much.

at this point im fucking holding back from leaving that server. a year and a half down the drain just like that. its always a year and a half or less. i guess i just cant handle long term relationships.

my only real friend is a fucking stuffed animal. i think if i got one wish in this world, id be selfish and wish she were real. just the way i imagine her and everything. why should anyone else get my wish when all of them disappoint and hurt me time and time again. she would never hurt me.

maybe im just destined to be alone. too bad for that destiny that i desperately grasp onto what little connection i hold to humanity left.

maybe i do need to go to a mental hospital finally. ill give it a week before i make that choice. i need to at least get my new glasses in 6 days anyway.

i just feel my brain deteriorating and i cant do much about that i think.

ill just suffer like always.

i dont care if im being selfish. i think ive earned it after a lifetime of never getting what i want. what i truly want.

cause instead i was born into a family of people i wouldnt otherwise interact with ever, in a town full of people that never cared about me, especially not the way i tried to care about them, in a body thats not mine. in a life thats not mine.

i feel as if i were misplaced at birth. misplaced nonphysically. like i was meant to be somewhere else, somewhere right, and something went wrong. and the universe just never corrected itself. it left me here.

there wasnt a point to this post. im just sick of feeling all these things and having nowhere to say them. i cant let people i know hear me say shit like this. its not like theyd listen anyway.

i wish i wasnt broke so i could get a stupid fucking therapist already. i wish preventing myself from wanting to die and hate myself and hate the world wasnt so unaffordable.

anyway haha mental illness moment woahagagahshhhaoahah so funni wild wowza woooo

[idontexistforcontext]

I’m CACKLING you cannot make this shit up, mq is indeed that dog’s heaven

[idontexistforcontext]

So so real, fx needs to be put in the electric chair asap /lh

The closest I can recommend is devout’s ember by rollingchibi if you haven’t already read it and are interested!!

that writer feeling when you get the most fucked up idea

anyway 150k fx pov vantablack dark traumatic backstory followed by deprogramming journey both re being raised from birth to be xl's bodyguard w oblivious xl and mq but eventual healing/happy ever after + eventual fengqing and platonic fengcheng and fenglian reconciliation, bonus for didn't realize how fucked up it was xianle days romantic fenglian

[thefinalcaw]

i posted it to fb idefc anymore

[mankar-camorans-bath-water]

oh hai fam, haven't much fallout related art to post lately and even this is only such a thing by association Commission for SonofaBeast @ FurAffinity, of his INCREDIBLY INTERESTING AND AWESOME Fallout OC Knack, punching Darius in the damn face. :3c Most fun I've ever had doing paid work in my entire career idefc

[killingyves]

anyone who posts a skinny nina zenik edit is gonna catch a block idefc anymore

[ectafoole]

Just blazed this post idefc. Read my cringe please

Hi, if you think a emotional sapphic road trip is the best thing you can do in a zombie apocalypse scenario, you'll enjoy Dark and Quiet.

This is a serial novella I'm writing about two gals who are stuck in different nightmare realities, but reach across that divide to fall in love. Eventually they'll run into a friendly polycule and try to figure out how and why things got this way... together.

It's got some violence and gore but they are not the focus of the story. It's mostly queer love and metaphysical mystery interrupted by the occasional animal attack or movie monster.

[borntoslay]

some superbowl thots

my ideas tend to be wrong anywayz but i just wanted 2 log dem Down

although i doubt joanne would dare, i want to believe gaga is brave enough to make a huge political statement during the show, ESPECIALLY with how silent she has been as the country is being torn to shreds... on the top of my wishlist is AMERICANO. ANY given lyric from that song is drenched with enough relevance for today’s bullshit that she could just mumble one line into the microphone between songs and it would absolutely make headlines the next morning.

“My songs are about the revolution”

“My heart aches for my generation”

“I don’t speak your languagono”

“Ah! America! Americano!”

“I will fight for, I have fought for how I love you”

“I have cried for, I will die for how I care”

“Don’t you try to catch me, no”

“I’m living on the edge of the law”

H o n e s t l y .

There’s also so many other lines in her other songs that she could just casually bring new meaning to by calling attention to that one line... for example, in Bad Romance, she could emphasize the “I’M A FREE BITCH, BABY,” and that might be the closest thing to a “statement” we’ll get, sadly...

There’s also the ICONIC “Tell ‘em how you feel girls” in Dance in the Dark, and OF COURSE the INCREDIBLE “Express your woman-kind, fight for your right” in Scheiße that could lend themselves to the Women’s March...

I have a bad predictable feeling she’s going to do at least 1 ballad, and it’ll be either Million Reasons or possibly even You and I (for which she’ll swap in “Nebraska” with “Houston”... ugh)... but imagine how much of a STATEMENT it could be if she just really sat down and DID Born This Way acoustic on such a huge stage... or even Americano acoustic to REALLY MAKE A STATEMENT...

She’s also said that this thing is what the fans have always dreamed of, and things along those lines, and if it’s FAN favorites, there’s a chance Dance in the Dark, Marry the Night, and Scheiße could be included........... but she also said that she picked “the best ones,” and her taste in her own music is always curiously quite different from what should be done... in which case there is is a chance we might have time wasted on You and I, Alejandro, and of course, Million Reasons... ugh

I feel like the setlist for her Roseland Ballroom residency is a good example of how... dumb(???) she can be...

Also, of course i’m fucking annoyed that we’re going on a SEVENTH year of prime opportunities to finish anything Telephone-related, but tbh in some ways i’m kind of relieved that she won’t be there... you’re delusional if you believe Gaga has a chance against a single Beyoncé comparison post-2013... Plus the idea of Gaga being out-danced to her own song AND a feature is just... ugh

PLUS complaints about Bey being asked in as a guest for a third time will completely eclipse anything Gaga could or would ever be able to do during her show... so . UGH. I guess MORE fucking telephone rumors for ANOTHER 7 years is just the price we have to pay for a successful gaga achievement...

but at the same time HOW is beyonce “houston” knowles not gonna be at this superbowl in HOUSTON like it feels like if anything THIS is the show that shouldve been hers ugh

Anyways, so if there is no beyonce i dont want ANY guests at all but there have been so many “confirmations” that there is a guest + its probably elton john (i read that one of the teams that are playing are one of his favs or some shit idefc) and im ANNOYED BUT i just had a weird feeling that IF he is there, they might do... Can You Feel the Love Tonight? idk it’s a super long-shot but idk... a song about love would fit the bill of needing to make a GP-friendly statement... (also if you didn’t know, Elton John did the music for Lion King)...

Ariana famously did a Celine Dion impression on Jimmy Fallon back in 2015(!!!!), parodying her contemporary version of Beauty and the Beast which was used in the original movie’s soundtrack, and now Ariana’s version replaced the contemporary version in the 2017 live-action remake!—which could be the same for Gaga and Elton if they (randomly, admittedly) do Can You Feel the Love Tonight... as Disney is also working to create a “live-action” version of The Lion King... for whatever reason

I just accidentally also had another idea... obviously this is not and WILL not ever happen, but if gaga opened with a couple of her biggest hits and then brought out Florence to do Hey Girl... as one-by-one all of their female contemporaries came on stage and one of EACH of their biggest hits were performed + enjoyed by ALL of the girls... this is fucking stupid and ignorant wishful thinking derived from all of the ADDITIONAL things Gaga’s 2016 Oscars performance of TIHTY (bringing Kesha with her on stage, the butterfly dress, EVERYTHING) could have been... S I G H WHEN WILL I STOP RUINING THINGS FOR MYSELF

ANyways i also had a thought the other day that if she did bring Florence, they could do an amazing duet to Shake It Off, emphasizing the “it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!” in light of the presidency

I just feel like for the amount of advocacy she has done + times she’s been called a fraud + been accused of exploiting the lgbt community (and minorities to that extent), it’s kind of totally bogus for her to just take literally the WORLD’S biggest stage and just what... bring back the disco stick and sing just dance poker face bad romance born this way a-yo million reasons and edge of glory and then that’s all

i do hate when my mind plays these games with me (read that in a british accent because that is how i typed it)

Anyways. i havent been this excited about anything gaga has done since Applause and i would like to say. Thank u.

[multiplanetarysystem]

//...Yeah I'm gonna post Sinday things once home. Idefc that they'll be 'late'. [It's gonna be mostly for the OCs, save Maigo and Solange because those two are being pains to figure out . How the fuck did you have a kid again, Lange?]

[chammomiletea-blog]

Wow. What the fuck.....my therapist and i discussed abouy some negative beliefs and one that constantly came up was believing that i wasnt good enough.. Now im jusy layin here and after that post and glipsing at a video.. Im in resistance to the unhealed aspects of myself. Im such a god damm perfectionist of my own being, mind.. Way . its unhealthy. Hahahahah AHAHAH OMG .... Thats honestly hilarious lol.

Whatevrr who fucking cares. This my life. I dont need to answer to no one .. Not even to my own fucked up critic thats constantly trying to push me down. Im not going anywhere ya fuck.... Sorry.. You served me when i was in some shitty times but now im free of that. I never had to be perfect and i dont need to be perfect now. Ive got flaws and i want them. I want to see them and know them.

Part knowing yourself or knowing someone else is just... To know.. Not to go in and be like ," alright gotta work this piece and that piece". All this time , ive been trying to get approval from people with the way i did things if it was unhealthy ot well.. I wanted them to tell me what to do. To be perfect in their eyes.

Perfect in mine to be perfect to others.

FUCK THAT. I want to stir up shit just by being me. Idfc. Obviously i wont go outta my way but... I remembe i had such an attitude lol and my family HATED it... Disapproved of my anger, disapproved of my will to help.. Like fuck. I feel taken for granted man.

Imma fuckin gem!!! With all the cracks and rough edges dude.

Im a committed person and all this time i thought i wasnt LMFAO . damn...

You dont just look at a crystal with its imperfections and say " damn thats not right" NAH MAN . YOU LIKE THIS GREAT ASS CRYSTAL BITCH. THIS IS THE ONE FOR ME. SHIT GON WORK.

Im so worked up WHEW.

IM A FIREY LIL BITCH IDEFC !!!!