#im still gonna TRY and work but there’s a lot less motivation
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mycological-mariner · 1 year ago
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I really should go back to the short story about the fishwives and bal maidens tbh
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animereaderinsertwriter · 11 days ago
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we give what we can give (and take what little we deserve)
Ch 12
pairing: alpha!kakashi x omega!reader
tags: omegaverse, arranged marriage, angst and fluff and smut, plot twist!
description:
Kakashi agrees to marry an omega princess-- the adopted daughter of the daimyo. However, what he agrees to and what he gets aren't exactly the same thing...
Excerpt: “You’re hurting me,” she cried, those glistening tears making glittery tracks down her cheeks. Her pain wrenched at his heart even as he held her fast. “Let go, let go!”
“If I let go, are you going to hit me?”
“No,” she sniffled piteously, and like a fool, Kakahshi let her go.
She poked him in the eye and made a break for the door.
masterlist
ao3
a/n: Im probably gonna make an epilogue-- so this is the penultimate chapter!!
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When Sakura had Naruto and Sasuke safely in hand, Kakashi had returned to the hill where he'd left his mate. It had been too much to hope for that she would still be there, but Kakashi had tried to track her even so. He only got five miles from where they'd lain entwined before his body finally wearied to the point of ineffectuality. 
It had been four months since then, and he had yet to find her— other than her entry in the Bingo Book. Tsunade had a sizeable bounty placed on his mate’s head, attached or not, as one of her final acts as Hokage. It irked Kakashi a bit, but he couldn’t blame her. His wife was a traitor. Besides, it was hardly Tsunade’s fault that he’d made some admittedly unintelligent decisions that day on the battlefield. The only solution, as he saw it, was to be the one to find (Y/N) and bring her back before a bounty hunter or sufficiently motivated Leaf ninja decided to do the job first.
That said, it wasn’t exactly an easy job for a guy that just got promoted to Hokage, somewhat against his will. He was kept just busy enough with paperwork to be unable to physically search for her, and just bored enough to worry and imagine the worst possible scenarios for his wife every second of every day.
Of course, Kakashi wasn't sure what he’d actually do if indeed he ever found his wife. He supposed that, by civilian law, she was his to do with as he pleased— even if she was a criminal in the eyes of Konoha, she was his to punish, correct, and keep— but to punish her was not what he wanted, and neither did he want that task handed out of his control. What he did want was his old life back, the love he'd learned, the comfort he'd grown used to, the warmth that had suffused him and then abandoned him seemingly all at once. 
But that life was a lie. That love was just a chemical compound, a malleable cocktail of hormones and conditioning that had made him vulnerable, lax, and soft. 
It was all a great and terrible paradox that he just couldn't undo. But he’d tried being enemies with her, and that hadn’t really worked. Perhaps, if he ever had the opportunity to see her again, he should try making amends.
Even so, not much could be done towards that end at the present moment. So instead of feeling sorry for himself all the time, Kakashi spent a lot of time with Maito Gai, who really did have something to feel sorry for himself about. Like a stray alley cat that just wouldn't be shooed away, Kakashi hovered around Gai’s apartment in between his cumbersome Hokage duties, lounging and napping and watching after his best friend and his new implement: a wheelchair. 
Despite his wounded condition, though, Gai never lost his cheer; the loss of functionality in his legs was nowhere near the price he was willing to pay for Konoha’s continued safety. It simultaneously heartened and pulverized Kakashi to see his friend suffer so joyfully. 
Although… Kakashi could admit that he wished his friend would suffer a little less joyfully sometimes.
“A piggyback ride? Really?”
Gai huffed and began explaining the training exercise that he wanted to try. Kakashi had, of course, been intentionally obtuse— he had no desire to carry Gai up Konoha’s largest hill and then contort himself to counter-balance Gai’s own weight so he could hand-walk the both of them down the hill again. Still, though, as savior of the shinobi world, Gai was a hard person to deny. 
Just when Gai finished his second explanation of the training exercise and looked expectantly at Kakashi, a knock sounded at the door. Relieved, Kakashi answered it. 
An ANBU in full tactical gear was waiting. 
“Can I help you?”
The porcelain mask stared impassively back at him.
It always irked Kakashi to receive messages from ANBU. Even now that he was Hokage, he still hated it. Having once been ANBU himself, it sort of took away some of the gravitas, the near-mysticism of the messenger, especially since he was now their boss; the dramatic pauses especially irked him, as he knew they were meant to establish a power balance tipped in the ANBU’s favor. The message was subtle, but certain: you receive information when I choose to give it, and not before. Irritating— and the pauses were longer and longer the less important the missive.
Hmph. Perhaps he would change this impertinent habit of the ANBU before Naruto came into the seat. Kakashi supposed that was now in his power. Might as well. 
“Speak, shinobi,” he snapped, and the ANBU went rigid with displeasure. “It’s my day off, and I don’t like being kept waiting.”
“Pardon me, Lord Sixth— it’s only that I’m not sure what message to give you.”
Kakashi cocked his head. Normally he’d send such an idiot away for wasting his time… but the ANBU sounded genuine, and a bit nervous. Concerning— ANBU were not easily rattled.
“What is it?” 
“I think you had better come see for yourself.”
Kakashi looked back at Gai. His old friend smiled with a warmth that radiated like the sun on a fresh spring day.
“Go,” he said. “I will be here when you return.” 
For all his warmth, though, Gai was subdued— none of his usual emphasis-colored his speech. Kakashi sensed that this sad timbre was not for Gai’s sake, but rather for his own; he wore the Hokage mantle well, but there was no hiding how acutely he felt the burden of it from Gai. They had known each other all their lives. 
“I’ll be back. Rest up— you’ll need your strength for the downhill stretch.”
At that, Gai beamed, and Kakashi left. 
The ANBU took him beyond the gate of the village and into the forest. They walked a good while until Kakashi’s sensitive ears heard the sound of sniffling and Iruka-sensei’s teacher voice nearby. 
“It’s for your own good,” he was saying sternly. “You can’t keep living like this. Nuts and berries and squirrel soup aren’t enough to sustain…”
Kakashi stopped listening. 
He stopped listening because the vision before him blocked out all sound, all sense. 
His wife had returned to the village.
Well, the outskirts of it, anyway. And it appeared that she had not returned so much as she had been trapped— chakra burst forth from hidden seals on the ground and pulsed menacingly, tightening each time she so much as twitched. The muscles in her neck flexed and strained as she tried to escape, and Kakashi noticed that a dirty bandage was wound around her neck. Her eyes were wild, hunted, darting around until they lighted on him.
For a single, terrible moment, she stared at him with the eyes of a wounded animal.
Then she looked away.
“Iruka please.” Oh, her voice was raw and desperate. “Let me go. I have tasks yet undone. Let me see to them. Please.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she threw another glance at him, then looked meekly away. No doubt she would appeal to his pity next. Kakashi was not fooled. Had she been free, had her bonds loosened even an inch, she would have burst through them and fought fiercely until she was free. It would be exactly as it had been when she’d nearly put out his eye in their living room, as it had been when he’d chased her through these very woods. 
The thought of those days stirred something wild in Kakashi. Something that he thought was dead. Something that he thought he’d killed.
Iruka glanced back at Kakashi as if noticing him for the first time. Kakashi flushed, realizing he had been distracted enough to loosen his control over his scent.
“Hokage-sama.” Iruka bowed slightly at the waist. “I believe there is news you must hear.”
“Iruka,” (Y/N) breathed, voice weak and body trembling. “Don’t.”
Iruka turned to her with an expression of commingled pity and resolve.
“He has a right to know.”
Her lower lip trembled, and though her words still addressed Iruka, her eyes moved to Kakashi once more.
“Would you like me to kneel? To take and kiss your hand like a beggar? I have not so much royal pride left— I am a princess no more, if indeed I ever was. I will do it. Just please, Iruka, I—”
“Enough.”
The word surprised even Kakashi. It was as though someone and something else had spoken through him, a grieved and haggard beast beaten to the point of wretchedness. Even his ever-contrary wife, his petulant princess and intransigent mate, fell silent at once  in accordance with his will. The moment should have felt like a victory. Instead, it filled him with darkness and shame.
“Tell me,” he began again, trying to gentle his voice. “What is all this about?”
Iruka turned to (Y/N).
“He should hear it from you,” said the sensei firmly, “but he is my superior officer. I will tell him if you do not.”
There it was. That spark of defiance, that iron will that had endearingly, maddeningly persisted for the full year of their tumultuous, passionate marriage— it flared to life in his mate’s eyes as she raised her head and snarled,
“Never. Pain your Hokage if you must, wound him if you dare. Never again shall I harm him.” 
Her nose scrunched, and Kakashi knew she was fighting a fresh wave of tears. So pitiful, so small— and yet deadlier than a pit viper
Iruka, wearing a face he usually reserved for telling parents that a child had badly misbehaved, turned to Kakashi and said,
“She’s pregnant.”
The sensei continued, but Kakashi stopped listening again. He stared wide-eyed at his crying wife and inhaled deeply through his nose. Yes— it was true. Her scent had changed. The earth-rain-tea scent had sweetened with the scent of milk and honey.
The scent of a pup. 
She wore only loose, ragged clothing— even if she had been showing, Kakashi would not have been able to tell. A shame. He would so like to have seen her round and plump and pretty.
“Damn you,” she cried softly, hatefully at Iruka. Her despair echoed in Kakashi’s chest. “Damn you all.”
Kakashi turned to Iruka.
“Release her.”
Iruka looked at him sideways, but did as he was told. As soon as the seal was broken, relief washed over (Y/N)’s face and she sank to her knees. Her arms came up around her own body, cradling herself in a self-soothing hug. She looked so fragile this way, as though all her strength had gone out from her.
Even so, Kakashi approached her warily. She was always and ever her deadliest when he did not expect her to be. 
“Is this true?”
She looked up at him, nodded.
“Is it mine?” 
Another nod.
“Are you lying?”
She looked up at him warily, and he added, “I realize that I have somewhat of a personal stake in this, so let me be clear— I won’t be angry if it isn’t mine. I swear to you that you will face no repercussions for whatever answer you give.”
“I’m not lying. It is true that I am…” her hand lifted to her belly, as if she could not make herself say the word, “and it is yours.”
Then, the hardest question. The question that would break him no matter her response.
“One last thing. Did you…”
Say it, he thought viciously to himself. Ask, or you will wonder for the rest of your life.
“Was it on purpose? Did you… arrange for this as a bargaining chip to use against me?”
Slowly, his wife stood. She drew herself up to her full height, her ragged features composing themselves as her posture straightened. Then, with the imperious air of a pissed-off princess, she said,
“Go fuck yourself, Hatake Kakashi, Hokage of the Hidden Leaf. How dare you? I don’t want your help or your pity.”
He sighed.
“I understand that you’re angry, but for the sake of the village—“
“You and your whole village can die screaming for all I care,” she seethed. “If you want your nuts and berries and squirrels back, you can dig them out of my shit in these God-forsaken woods. Otherwise I don’t owe you a single fucking thing.”
She spat at him. Her mouth was so dry, though, that the pitiful wad of saliva landed in the dirt between his feet rather than on his face, as she had doubtless intended.
So foul, so vulgar and disrespectful— and yet Kakashi ached for her. Iruka, scandalized, stood gaping like a fish. To save the man from swallowing a fly, Kakashi said,
“Iruka-sensei, return to the village. Here, take this— for bread and broth. Bring it to the Hatake compound along with some fresh fruit.”
Wordlessly, Iruka took the money Kakashi proffered and made a hasty exit. In ANBU hand-signals, Kakashi dismissed the ANBU guards who lingered always around him. A few shadows rippled with their inhabitants’ displeasure— shinobi love gossip— but followed his commands. 
That done, he walked over to his wife and gathered her in his arms. She fought him at first, but she was weak from hunger and exposure. Her blows were little more than the batting of a fly’s wings against his chest. He caught her raging fists and held her tightly to himself, cradling her head.
“I wasn’t trying to accuse you of anything,” he murmured next to her ear, nose burning with unshed tears. “I just wanted the truth.”
“I know.” Her voice was soft and wet with tears. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For coming back.”
When he was sure he was composed enough to look his wife in the eye, he drew back to study her. Her face looked gaunt and thin even through the puffiness of her tears. It was clear that she had been living roughly. There was none of her usual pampered glow about her; the woman before him was like tough leather.
“I looked for you,” he confessed, “after we were together. I had thought…”
He stopped himself.
“But you were gone.”
She shrugged uncomfortably.
“You had done me a great kindness, Kakashi. You protected me, took care of me in my hour of need. I didn’t mean to come off as ungrateful, but… you had made it quite clear before that it was your wish to never lay eyes on me again. I felt that it was only right that I should grant that wish.”
She paused a moment, then added,
“Besides— I had business to attend to.”
Kakashi arched a brow at her.
“Business?”
She lifted her face slowly. Her eyes were hard, glinting with the dangerous sharpness of a predator behind her bitter tears.
“Rat hunting.”
Kakashi stared at her, disbelieving.
“Are you shocked, husband? That I am a traitor to my own kind? Surely it can’t be that much of a surprise.”
Her words were laced with contempt for her own duplicity— but he understood. Whatever loyalty she might have owed them was mitigated by the harm they had done her. She had given them her life, and they had used her like a tool, an object at their disposal to either support or abandon at their whim. It was an unforgivable profanation of life.
“They hurt you. It’s only natural that you should want to hurt them back.”
His wife shook her head.
“No, Kakashi. When my parents were murdered, they took me in, raised me, gave me a new father and a new purpose in that father’s court. No— they were good to me, and I betrayed them.”
Kakashi cocked his head.
“Then why?”
“No choice. I was captured. As soon as I knelt before my former commander, they tried to take my head.” She rubbed at the back of her neck subconsciously. “I escaped, obviously, but a katana got me good across the back of the neck. The cut should have healed by now, but it kept reopening as I fought in the war.”
Had she been so wounded when he’d found her heat-stricken in the middle of the battlefield? He couldn’t rightly remember. He did, however, remember her saying something about pups.
Their pups.
Together.
Speaking of which…
“This is a lot to process. We should talk.” He scratched the back of his head. “Not just about this but— about a lot of things.”
An understatement, to be sure— but Kakashi had never been a man of very many words. Or even very good words. Unfortunately, the words came off worse than they had sounded in his head, because when his wife replied, it was with a cool indifference that set his teeth on edge.
“I don’t see why. I don’t need anything from you, and I can’t imagine that there is anything your cast-off omega spy can offer you.”
It was a testament to her skill as a liar how smoothly she brushed aside the matter of the Hatake heir— his child. That would indeed be something she could offer Kakashi. A son or daughter of a skilled spy and a ninja prodigy would be valuable indeed to someone who cared about that sort of thing. As it stood, though, Kakashi was much more concerned with what he could offer her.
“I’ve done some reflection since the war ended,” he began slowly, testing the waters between them. “I believe I may have been overhasty in my reaction to your revelation those months ago.”
(Y/N) flashed her teeth at him— an interesting response to the olive branch that he had offered her. Once she spoke, though, dread filled Kakashi as he realized how similar an olive branch could seem to a snake.
“This child is mine, Hatake Kakashi,” she snarled. “You will not take it from me. Over my dead body, perhaps, but not while I live and breathe.”
“That’s the farthest thing from my intentions. No, don’t make that face— look at me, princess. I want to talk, that’s all. Do you really think I want to take our child from you?”
Kakashi waited for her to scrutinize him, and then her guard lowered, her shoulders drooping with exhaustion. 
“No. But a girl has to be careful, you know.”
“I know.”
He extended a hand to her. She looked at it for a moment, then let her eyes meet his as she clasped his hand in her own.
It was so rapturously good to touch his mate, to hold her roughened hand in his own, that Kakashi forgot himself for a moment and shuddered with the pleasure of having her trust. (Y/N), as able as ever to read his mood, squeezed his hand and pressed closer to his side.
“Come, husband. Let’s go before it gets any hotter out here. I’m tired of sweating in these sweltering woods.”
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It took days to get the full story. All of it, from the beginning, about how his wife was recruited to RAAT, how she was trained, how she infiltrated her adopted father’s home and reported his movements to her superiors, her activity during the war, up until the day she wandered back into Konoha’s forests, weary and travel-worn. There was a lot of ground to cover, but she answered Kakashi’s questions patiently and with great attention to detail. By the end of it, Kakashi felt somewhat better about having been deceived so easily by her charm; truth had been interwoven so tightly with lie that it seemed as if she had never really lied at all except by omission.
In return, (Y/N) only had one question of her own to ask. It was late afternoon, in that hazy golden hour just before sunset, that she posed the query to him, their dinner spread out on the table between them.
“During the war, did you… were you…” she stopped, then began again. “Did you dream inside the Infinite Tsukuyomi?”
He shook his head.
“I was in another dimension getting my ass handed to me.”
It didn’t seem fair that everyone else got to experience their perfect life while he was fighting for his stupid fucked-up one, but he tactfully did not mention that to (Y/N), who looked rather glum at his answer.
“I see.”
“Did you? Dream, I mean?”
She looked down, unwilling to meet his eyes.
“Yes. I did dream.”
No one in the village ever spoke of their dreams if they could help it. In most of them, they had lived unspeakable, unattainable lives. Marriages had broken under the weight of those dreams; friendships collapsed as jealousy and resentment festered between friends over events that had never even happened. Therefore, it was only natural that no one ever asked another person the question that Kakashi had on the tip of his tongue without bracing themselves for utter disaster.
“What did you dream?”
She was silent for a while, pushing food around on her plate. Then, through her silent tears, she replied,
“I dreamed that it was real. That I never left Konoha. That I never left you.”
Then it was Kakashi’s turn to be silent. He needed a moment to gather his courage.
“And upon waking, did you…”
She looked at him through watery eyes, and he faltered. It wasn’t good enough to leave it there, though. He must try again.
“Would you want that dream to be reality?”
After all, he thought selfishly, would such a dream be so far-fetched? They had been happy together, once. Why could they not be so again? Besides, he was Hokage now— he could pardon anyone he wished. Hell, if Sasuke was walking free, could his poor, inwardly wounded wife not also find mercy in Konoha? She had not caused half so much trouble as that uptight Uchiha asshole.
Across from him, his wife began to cry freely. Her hand trembled in his, and Kakashi could feel the quivering of her soul as though it were his own.
“Don’t tease me with what I can’t have, Kakashi.” Her voice was thin and hoarse with misery. “I never thought you to be cruel.”
“I’m not teasing. I’m also not suggesting that it would be easy. But possible?” He squeezed her hand. “Certainly. We could try, at least. I’ve faced worse odds.”
(Y/N) looked at him doubtfully. 
“You’re sure you want to trust me? After all I’ve done?”
Kakashi gave thought to that question. What had she done other than have mind-blowing sex with him in-between improving the village and investing time, energy, and even risking her life to preserve the village? The logs she’d kept of village secrets had never been sent. And then, when her loyalty had been tested with an order to arrange Naruto’s death, she had come clean to Kakashi, had been willing to risk his wrath and even to die rather than carry out that task. In hindsight, it was obvious what his answer would be.
“Yes. I think perhaps I should have trusted you more from the beginning. It might have avoided some heartache for the both of us.”
Still not convinced, his wife withdrew her hand and placed it on the swelling of her belly that was visible beneath the shinobi shirt that she had pilfered from his closet.
“And a child? I don’t remember you being keen on having pups before. Are you sure you want to take on the responsibility?”
“It’s not a matter of what I want. You’re pregnant with my child— I have a responsibility to you both.” Seeing his wife’s displeasure, he rushed to add, “Besides, my biggest reservation about children has always been my father’s track record of fatherhood and the fear that I would fail them the way that I always felt he failed me. In other words, my objection was to myself, not the idea of a pup in general.”
“And do you still feel that way? That you object to yourself as a father?”
Kakashi shrugged.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. But I know one thing for certain: you will make an excellent mother. If you think that you can forgive me when I fail, I will do my best to keep up and be the parent our child needs. At the very least, you will want for nothing, and we have a village of people who will love our little one. They will succeed where we fail, surely.”
They did with me.
She thought for a moment, and suddenly Kakashi felt nervous. It occurred to him for the first time that it was possible that she might not want him involved in raising her child. 
“Kakashi, tell me the truth here. Have you ever really, truly failed at anything?”
The answers to her question rose like bile in his throat. For a moment, he hesitated— but she had bared all for him. It was time Kakashi returned the favor.
“I failed to save Obito. I failed to protect Rin. And Minato-sensei…” he swallowed past the lump in his throat. “They’re all dead. My most recent and glaring failure is that I couldn’t prevent Sasuke from pursuing his revenge.”
He thought for a moment more, then added,
“And of course, I haven’t been a very good husband either.”
Across from him, his wife’s smile was small, but fond.
“None of those were your failures, Kakashi. They were the failures of the shinobi way of life. Even if you deny that, you were still only able to name five failures. Five failures in decades of living, and all of them were out of your direct control.” Her smile turned bitter, and she shook her head. “I fail much more than you, darling. Minute by minute, hour by hour, I could count my failings and never get a good tally. I was a failure of a daughter when I couldn’t save my parents, a failure of a daughter to the daimyo, a piss-poor spy, and an even worse wife. What makes you think I wouldn’t fail at being a mother, too? My track record is worse than yours by miles and miles of red ledgers.”
“None of those were your failures,” he parroted back at her, voice gentle. “They were the failures of our world. And I’ve got red in my ledger too.”
They sat together in silence for a moment after that.
“There is one other matter.”
“And that is?”
“You are the Hokage now. That comes with the burden of publicity. You have to admit that it would hurt your image for you to have a spy for a wife, or a child by a traitoress.”
“And it would be so much better for me to abandon you?”
“No one would blame you if you put us away, Kakashi. Most would see it as prudent. With you, near you, I’m just a liability.”
Kakashi was growing tired of this. He waited a moment to ensure that his words had the intended effect, then looked his wife in the eyes and delivered his innermost thoughts.
“I understand your concern, but if you persist in inventing reasons for me not to love and keep you, I’m going to start thinking you want me to cast you off.”
“It might be better for you in the long run.” She shrugged uncomfortably. “I don’t want you to be bitter and feel that I’ve trapped you.”
He smirked.
“Oh, you’ve trapped me, alright— but I’m a willing victim of your charms.”
The possessive, playful alpha in him wanted to bare his teeth and spread his pheromones, inviting play, even mating— but he tempered that desire and settled for a brush of his thumb across the scent gland at his wife’s wrist.
She shuddered. 
Just as Kakashi was debating the merits of sucking one of her fingers into his mouth, a knock sounded at the door. He tried not to feel disappointed when he let go of his wife’s hand to answer it. 
His hand turned the handle. The door opened, letting in the hazy golden sunlight. Kakashi released the handle.
It was Sasuke.
“Yo, sensei.” The boy— now nearly a man— cut his eyes to the side. It was the only indication of his hesitancy. “Can we talk?”
Of course the one time Kakashi would rather not talk, Sasuke wanted to have a heart-to-heart.
“Sure.” Kakashi opened the door and let his wayward student into his home. “Come on in. We’ve got food if you’d like some.”
Sasuke bowed curtly to (Y/N) as Kakashi introduced her by her royal title— because no matter who she had been before or since, his wife was and would remain a daughter of the daimyo, a royal omega and noble princess. The energy between them was strange, but he chalked that up to the high-running emotions of the evening.
“I’d like it if we spoke in private,” said Sasuke. His eyes cut to (Y/N), distrustful. Kakashi understood.
“Come with me, then. I have an office on this floor.”
Okay, Kakashi wasn’t imagining it— the energy in the room was strange. As soon as Sasuke turned his back, he murmured a quick kai and made the hand sign. 
The world fell away, and reality crashed into him with the weight of an anvil.
He couldn’t have been in the genjutsu for longer than a couple seconds. If he had been, there would be a dead body in his kitchen. As it was, the table was toppled over and Sasuke’s face was only inches from his snarling wife’s. Her snarl was not one of rage, though.
It was one of terror.
Sasuke’s remaining arm was halfway through her pregnant belly. (Y/N)’s left hand was embedded in his chest midway through her forearm. Her ninjutsu was as uncanny as ever, and Kakashi didn’t have to wait for long before he realized exactly what was happening.
“What’s all this?” he asked through a mask of calm. 
Sasuke jerked his head towards him. 
“I am doing my duty to the village. Ridding it of vermin.”
(Y/N) let out a guttural growl and Sasuke made a twist of his arm that made her go sickly with pain and fear.
“That’s not who she is anymore.”
“No?” his student’s old maniacal grin spread hatefully across his face. “Then she’s told you how she came to me when I was bent on Konoha’s destruction, offering all I had ever wanted in terms of total annihilation of this village.”
For a moment, Kakashi doubted. Then his wife spoke through gritted teeth.
“With the intention to rip you apart the moment you trusted me,” she hissed. “I can still do it, Uchiha dog. Test me, and I’ll spill your blood here and now.”
It was true. All she had to do was rip his heart from his chest, just as she had done to the last person to barge into her kitchen with killing intent. 
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed.
“Try it, and you die.”
“True— but you’ll be dead too. It would bring me immense satisfaction to see your string of bad decisions come to an end.”
Yes, Kakashi supposed she would be dead, if Sasuke ripped her pup— that tiny, defenseless babe whose body was not selectively permeable like the body which housed it— from her womb. She would bleed to death internally. It was a dice roll as to whether she would last long enough for Tsunade to save her, but the odds were not in her favor. The thought of it made Kakashi’s heart pound with rage, but he swallowed it, tamped it down so that he could do his best to deescalate the situation. He must make Sasuke see reason.
“Sasuke, she is my wife. My mate. She was raised a spy, yes— but she has proved herself.”
Sasuke scoffed.
“She’s proved nothing to me but that she is a liar. No oath of loyalty is enough to prove otherwise.”
Uh-oh. Kakashi knew that look on his wife’s face. Before he could stop her, she opened her mouth and unleashed that white-hot whip of a tongue.
“And what would you know of loyalty, of pack, traitor-orphan? I had no choice in what happened to me— and when I did, I chose him.” She jabs a finger in Kakashi’s direction. “What did you choose, boy-pup, when the chips were down? Those who loved you, or your own petty vengeance? If you think it right to kill me for a traitor, then go ahead and kill yourself right after. By your estimation, a blade to your belly is the least you deserve.”
So much for deescalation.
Kakashi expected Sasuke to refute it, to make some excuse of why he’s different— but that never came.
“So be it,” he said with deadly calm. “But before I go, my mates will be protected from the threat you pose.”
It was then that Kakashi noticed fresh wounds on Sasuke’s neck— one on each side. Naruto and Sakura, then? Before Kakashi could process it, Sasuke turned to look at him.
“Sensei, if it’s your child’s life that you aim to spare, there are other ways to incubate it than in the belly of a traitor. Say the word, and I will make the incisions that will spare it. Otherwise, whore and whelp die.”
His wife looked at him with fright. Sharingan or no, he would never forget that fraught expression.
“You’re not killing anyone today, Sasuke.”
His student bared his teeth in defiance. Kakashi continued, ignoring the young alpha’s aggression.
“If my wife had wanted to destroy this village, she would have done so long ago. Instead, she has saved it again and again. If you do this, you will die— if not by her hand, which is almost guaranteed, then by mine. Let her go.”
Sasuke hesitated for a second— but not because of Kakashi. A split second after Kakashi finished speaking, his front door flew inward under a chakra-enhanced blow. Sakura stepped in over the wreckage, panicked. 
“Sasuke! Stop! What the hell is wrong with you?”
A flash of pain appeared in Sasuke’s two-toned eyes, and for a single second, he faltered. It was enough. (Y/N), armed with a fork from the table, stuck her hand through her own stomach and stabbed the fork through Sasuke’s hand. The younger alpha yanked his hand away with a yelp— pure instinct, no shinobi finesse— and then (Y/N) solidified her body once more, her other arm still in his chest. Her eyes were dark with hate, and killing intent radiated off of her in waves.
“Shall I kill him, husband?” she asked, the muscles in her arm flexing. Sasuke made an inhuman sound, and Kakashi realized that she was squeezing his heart in her hands, freezing him in place with pain and lack of oxygen. “I want to.”
She squeezed harder, and Sakura cried out. Still, Kakashi hesitated. He had watched Sasuke kill a goddess earlier in the month, albeit with help; that kind of thing gives a man a realistic set of expectations about his chances against a potential enemy.
“Sensei, please,” Sakura cried. “He’s in pain. (Y/N) is safe, no harm done— let’s end this!”
In that moment, Kakashi didn’t care. This foolish boy— this idiot alpha pup, barely off Orochimaru’s teat— had nearly stolen everything he loved from him. Did he deserve to live?
“Let me,” pressed his wife, her bared teeth curling into a canine grin. “I’ll end it here. He tried to kill my pup. He tried, Kakashi. Let me kill him.”
It took every ounce of Kakashi’s will to place his hand on his wife’s shoulder and tell her to let Sasuke breathe. She looked up at him with a scowl, but withdrew her hand. Sasuke gasped, then retched as breath returned to him, and Sakura scolded him, telling him how stupid he was and how good (Y/N) had been for the village. Sasuke didn’t seem to be processing much, as he was still in shock from losing for once— happens to the best of us— but he let himself be led away by Sakura, who apologized over and over. The only reply she received was (Y/N)’s stony expression and Kakashi’s cold silence. The moment the two of them were gone, Kakashi threw himself at his mate, unable to stay away from her for one second longer.
He ran his hands over her face, her arms, her body— every inch of her that he could see, checking for injuries with his eyes, his hands, and his chakra. He scented her, rubbing his cheek against her cheeks, her neck, her wrists. It was primal need that drove him, and when he was finally satisfied that she was unhurt, he just held her against him, trembling with unspent fear and rage. 
“Kakashi.” Her breath brushed his ear, and he shuddered. “Let me go.”
He shook his head, and she doubled down.
“I must go, Kakashi. Let go of me.”
He tightened his grip on her, and then there was nothing in his arms but air. She had used her ninjutsu and was now standing a foot back from him.
He sighed. There was really only one question he could ask.
“Why?”
(Y/N) shook her head.
“You can thank Sasuke— and you should, really. He has reminded us of what I am— what I will always be— to this village. I won’t live with pointed fingers in my face, Kakashi.”
Kakashi sighed again. 
“He’s misguided, my love.”
“He’s vindictive. There’s a difference. And there are others like him that will remember me for what I am.”
“Perhaps there are,” he conceded, “but they’d be wrong. And they won’t act on it, not like Sasuke. You have to admit that the kid has problems— but he didn’t have a very good start to make things easy for him, either.”
(Y/N) scoffed.
“Neither did you. Neither did Naruto. I don’t feel sorry for him.” Her eyes softened. “Not even for your sake, my love.”
Kakashi shook his head.
“It was good we didn’t meet earlier in life.”
That took (Y/N) aback. At his wife’s raised brow, Kakashi replied,
“I was embarrassingly like him back in the day, you know. Angsty, egotistical… vindictive. The only thing I was missing was Uchiha narcissism, but I more than made up for it in petty Hatake pride— vanity, really. I don’t think you would have liked me much.”
“I don’t know.” A smile creeped over her lips. “A handsome face makes up for a lot.”
He grinned.
“Oh, I made sure to keep it covered.”
“A dark, piercing set of eyes, then.” She stepped closer. “A lean, strong body…” 
She loudly sniffed his scent and winked.
“And alpha wherewithal. I think we’d have gotten on fine.”
A pause, then she added,
“Well, maybe not. My wherewithal was wherewithout when I was younger. Without my training, I was never eye-catching, I’m afraid. You’d have never given me so much as a second glance.”
Kakashi couldn’t imagine such a thing. 
“You forget, princess— I am a shinobi. Trained to see underneath the underneath. I see more than you think.” He let a hand drift to his mating bite on her neck, then let it slide down over her left breast, where he could feel her heart beating. “I saw you for what you were the first time I laid eyes on you.”
She chuckled quizzically.
“On our wedding day? I thought you were three sheets to the wind, the way your eyes were red and you seemed… out of it for a while.”
It occurred to Kakashi then that he had never told her about that fateful day in that tiny meeting room with the daimyo— how it was him whom she had wanted so badly to please. 
“No,” he said with a laugh. “You’re not the only keeper of secrets. We met ten years ago— I was still in ANBU then. Do you remember it?”
Her brows furrowed in concentration. She thought long and hard for several seconds, and then disbelief washed over her face. 
“You’re the ANBU that caught me in my father’s meeting chambers?”
Kakashi grinned and mock-bowed.
“Hound-san, at your service.”
She shook her head, incredulous.
“No. No way.”
He laughed.
“Are you calling me a liar?”
“Be serious. That was you? The guy who snatched me from my little hiding place? And roughhoused me, then went into rut?”
Kakashi nodded, still laughing, and she shoved him.
“You got me in so much trouble!”
“As I recall, you got you in so much trouble. What were you even doing in there?”
“Spying, duh! Well, practicing anyway— until you yanked me down!”
“It was your own fault,” he reminded her with a chuckle. “I could hear you. And smell you.”
“Oh, I bet you could, you pervert! I bet you could tell my scent apart from all the others because you spent all your time sniffing around pretty omega princesses.”
“I was in rut! And I most certainly didn’t— you were the only omega princess I’d ever met at the time.”
“I see,” she giggled. “Well, did I make an impression?”
He pulled her to him by the waist. “I’d certainly say so.”
They laughed together for a minute, then he asked, 
“So— you said you got into trouble on my account?”
“Oh yes,” she grinned. “Big trouble. My father was furious that I had offered myself to you. That’s preposterous behavior, he told me. Said I was no common whore— although he let his other daughters and quite a few of his wives say as much to my face and behind my pack. Whatever, he was furious, and it was months before his wrath faded and my punishment ended.”
Kakashi cocked his head.
“Months? What did they do to you?”
She shrugged.
“They doubled my suppressant for a few months, of course. To curb my appetites.” Her smile faded a bit. “I hardly remember those days— I was half a zombie. My handler could have stepped in, but I think she agreed with them. A hot-blooded spy is rarely a successful one, after all. And make no mistake, my blood runs hotter than most.”
Aaaaand his rage was back. She gave him a meaningful look, but Kakashi was no longer in a mood for laughing.
“I’m sorry. They should never have done that to you.”
His wife shrugged awkwardly.
“I agree— but they had to do something. I really wasn’t doing well at the time. Erratic behavior, a rebellious mouth… I was a handful.”
Kakashi shook his head.
“Naruto was a handful too. If someone had suggested the same treatment for him, even the most hateful person in the village would have balked.” He paused, then added, “I was hot-blooded too, you know. I would have taken you there in front of your father and my Hokage if I could have.”
“So I have discovered,” she smiled, voice devious. “Fortunate, too— because your hot blood runs the same temperature as mine.”
She tilted her head— an invitation. Kakashi accepted. He pulled down his mask and kissed her. She kissed him back. It was a slow, languid thing, as full of their pain as it was of their pleasure, and just as Kakashi moved to pull her closer, she pulled back.
“I don’t want to leave,” she breathed against his lips. 
“Then don’t.” He rested his forehead against hers. “Stay here with me.”
“I can’t. They’ll hate me.”
“Never. The village loves you.”
“Not all of them.”
“Enough do. And besides— you made me love you. What’s the difference if you can make them love you too?”
“I will always be a stranger here, Kakashi.”
“You were never a stranger to Konoha, not from the moment you took my name. Even if you had been, you earned your place here. I was foolish not to have seen it before.”
“I’m frightened.”
Ah, there was the truth.
“Then you have to choose. Faith— in me, in the village— or fear. Which will it be?”
Kakashi knew in his heart that he would have to let her choose. Even if the alpha in him screamed to keep her, to chain her to the hearth if she wouldn’t stay there willingly, he knew he had to let her have the final say. Without that, it would all fall apart. Love without commitment was unmolded clay— full of potential, but useless. 
As she considered the decision, he looked long and hard at her. There was such strength in her— such measured gravity. It was a pity she had not been born to a village. She would have been a force to be reckoned with. Perhaps a kage in her own right. She certainly had the mettle. 
“If I choose the village,” choose you, she did not say, but Kakashi heard it anyway, “will you be suspicious of me again? Always looking over your shoulder?”
Kakashi shrugged.
“I can’t promise to change who I am. Suspicion has kept me alive.” A callous hand lifted to cradle her beautiful face. “But I trust you with my home, with my child, and with my life. Is that enough?”
She nodded, but still looked undecided.
“And if one day you resent our arranged marriage? If you realize that we were perhaps hasty in mating, or someone better comes along— what will you do then?”
Kakashi frowned.
“Is that really what you think of me, my wife?”
He tried to imagine it. Leaving her— leaving their pup— to chase after something else, something less. It was impossible. It made him nauseous to try.
“No, Kakashi.” Her voice was heavy, her eyes sad. “But I can’t see beneath your underneath. I have to know what I’m getting myself into.”
“Then know this.” He kissed her brow tenderly, murmuring the words against her flesh. “That day won’t come. If it does, I’m dead or captured, and someone is using my body against you— in which case I give you full license to attack me and get out while you can.”
She moved to put her arms around him. Kakashi held her, wishing he had the sharingan one last time to capture this moment— her warmth, the press of her swollen belly against his torso— forever.
“I’ll stay, Kakashi.”
A single, solitary tear slid down his cheek. It was as though a mountain had been lifted from his shoulders.
“I love you.” 
It was all he could manage to say, but it was enough. 
They held each other for a while there. When her feet got tired, they moved to the living room, where she crawled into his lap and pressed bodily against him. They talked like that, thinking through their plans for the future— what they needed to do to protect their home and village from the remaining RAATs, which room to put the nursery in, and what wood to use for the cradle— until at last they fell silent, enjoying the warmth and safety of each other’s bodies.
“Did we ever finish that book?” she asked, readjusting so that she could see Kakashi’s face. “Love’s Shadow?”
“I don’t think so. We didn’t even start it, I don’t think.” Kakashi tried to look unbothered, as if that book’s presence on his nightstand hadn’t tortured him for months on end. “It’s in our room waiting, if you’d like to start tonight.”
She yawned.
“Tomorrow.” She nestled back into his arms. “I’m tired, Kakashi.”
Tomorrow. The thought filled Kakashi with warmth. She would be here tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. She would be here with him for every tomorrow for the foreseeable future— and somehow, that made up for all the yesterdays that they were apart.
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majimaisms · 1 month ago
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sometimes i wonder if theres a meta(i guess.?) aspect to how kiryu and majima never quite “work”, (i am NOT saying ‘theyre queerbaiting!’ or ‘it was actually supposed to be like this but my uncle works at rgg and told me they changed it!’ LOL) i am a big kiryu fan and honestly half the shit he does feels like its supposed to lean into this like. Male Stoicism because hes the macho man protagonist, except for substories, where he is more vulnerable and open with people (including…goromi…but not majima…ill let that simmer) at times kiryu can feel like a disney animal sidekick where his role in the story is reflecting what energy other people are bringing to the interaction rather than what he “is” if that makes sense (while i relate as Captain Autism i severely doubt that was rgg’s intention with this characterization. lol)
i’m saying “meta” here because between eng and jpn dialogue sometimes the eng version really does feel like “sorry majima san if this looks gay/not hypermasculine to the viewers” LMAO
youre completely right in saying majima cares abt him more than he does majima. which is truly tragic. but i find it interesting that in ishin and kenzan, two spinoffs that carry zero of the baggage of the games, they’re WAY closer and have way less ambiguity as to how they feel about each other . Like truly if you want this fanon dynamic to kazumaji that everyone thinks exists. (Which is fine i love playing dolls im just saying the main games arent ideal for this.) Just play Ishin
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okay, gonna try to address all of these points, and it'll be pretty long so im putting it under a cut
hi!! first of all dont worry about the paragraph vomit lol i like getting long asks <3
so, i'm still a little unclear on what the "meta aspect" youre suggesting for kiryu and majima not working is...? but i will say that kiryu does not i think lean into the stoic male archetype, but he is *seen* that way by everyone around him. there was an rggo story that touched on this. people see him and think he must be the tough, gruff, never-shows-his-emotions hypermasculine hero, and they're intimidated by him or perceive him as an instant Threat to their own masculinity. but he's not, not in the way other characters of that archetype are, he's literally just. kind of autistic. but actually quite emotional and passionate and empathetic. i dont think this is a coincidence, he is characterized this way consistently throughout the series. it's not that the writers were *trying* to write that kind of character but ended up with something else. in fact rggs' writing team regularly astonishes me with the amount of thought and detail put into characterization. they are really, really good at writing characters that feel real, fleshed out, and true to life.
the thing here to note, i think, is that for characters to feel "true to life" to an audience, they have to share some cultural context with the writers. kiryu, majima, and in fact all rgg characters, are people whose motivations, expressions, "vibes" will not be immediately obvious to a western audience. for japanese fans of the series, a lot of things simply "click" into place, intuitively, through subtleties that western fans will not and cannot recognize. another thing to note is that rgg emulates a very specific genre of japanese cinema called "ninkyo". so a lot of character archetypes are borrowed from or subvert that genre. @0nsyu-archive would have much better insights on this, so i'll tag him just in case he wants to add something
another thing is age. kiryu and majima were born in the 60s. their patriarchs, the men they idolize, were born in 1945 and 1948 (!!!) respectively. kiryu spent 10 years of his life in prison and never fully recovered from that setback. their social environment, cultural environment, *values* and *awareness* in general is very different to a lot of their audience's. they are very old school. but they are also products of a changing world. the fact that kiryu criticizes "financial power and a loving family" being "common sense" makes so much sense to me. it's only jarring if you read kiryu as being intentionally portrayed as earnestly hypermasculine. but as i pointed out, the writers are very deliberate about how they write characters, and kiryu always has been quite sentimental and unconcerned with his masculinity. he's not trying to prove anything to anyone, including himself. he's concerned with different things. "being a man" is about *doing the right thing*, not performing masculinity. and this also comes down to different cultural values. it's about protecting women, about not being greedy or opportunistic or underhanded... the "masculine ideal" for a yakuza is not the same as the western masculine ideal.
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kiryu is an outcast. all yakuza are outcasts. this is the core of this lifestyle. they are social rejects who have nothing but their honor. the protagonists and main characters are who view the yakuza as a family for people who have no other choice, who have been rejected by and have rejected in return, mainstream society. this is the vision for the tojo clan (and the yakuza) that the "old guard" are trying to protect, in a world that is increasingly more concerned with money instead of what's right or wrong. kiryu, and all the main characters, think being yakuza, being an outcast, is cool. it is by its very nature a rejection of "common sense" and what society Wants them to do. so what he's saying here – of course kiryu understands this. he has nothing to his name. he has no family, no money, no assets. he's an orphan who dropped out of school, he has no prospects. having a "loving family" was never an option for him growing up, and he doesnt seem interested in having a romantic relationship or marrying a woman. he understands that having "financial power" requires education or having inherited money, or bootlicking rich assholes his whole life. if youre going to be bootlicking your entire life, isn't it better to do that for someone you *choose*, someone YOU think is worthy of it? someone you admire? this is the core of what being yakuza is about, this is the appeal. kiryu does not blindly follow social conventions, it's quite the opposite – hes consciously rejecting them, and has been his whole life. even his ideal family is an unconventional one, and this is pointed out in the game itself in that fortune teller substory; he's a single father of 9 and has never been married.
im not sure i ever got the impression while playing these games that i was being "apologized to" for kiryu acting gay or less than perfectly hypermasculine. it is played as funny, for sure, but i dont think rggs has ever felt the need to compensate for kiryu's masculinity. again, i think this is partly because the "masculine ideal" of the yakuza and the western fanbase are completely different.
i definitely agree that kiryu kind of just goes with the flow of what everyone else is bringing to the interaction rather than what he "is", but i think the meta aspect there comes from the fact that he is a playable character and the protagonist, in a way thats more about leaving kiryu as a blank page for players to project onto. i think its generally true for kiryu as a character however that he just sort of takes what life gives him. i cant attest to this personally just because i am not very familiar with japanese media, but a friend once pointed out this is very common in japanese media as opposed to american media where the main characters are always going out of their way to get what they want, to work for something they're trying to achieve, and they're very driven. majima is like this. but if you look at characters like kiryu, saejima, daigo, i do think it's true that there is a sort of "acceptance" of their position and doing their best to *honor* that instead of like, working to change their fate with their own hands. things sort of just... happen to kiryu. he doesn't *make* things happen.
if you look at rggs' writing and the themes and values it deals with, i think it's very clear they are not trying to prop kiryu up as someone to emulate or look up to, btw. he is a tragedy, just a compelling one. but the way kiryu is presented is not because it is *endorsed* by the writers. this is why infinite wealth is what it is. they've started making their stance on these things more obvious in ichiban's saga instead of sticking to ninkyo conventions, at least as far as i can tell.
as for the points about kiryu and majima specifically, i actually don't know if majima cares about kiryu than kiryu cares about him. i don't really know how to quantify "care" here, or to compare it. majima is more affected by kiryu leaving than kiryu is by leaving kamurocho (and majima), is that because majima cares more about kiryu, or is it because he's more neurotic and has less things going on in his life? i think it's more accurate to say that kiryu and majima care about each other in *different* ways. but this asymmetry does not necessarily have to be the "amount" of care, if that makes sense.
ive played ishin btw and i love their dynamic in it, and id actually heard similar things about it so i kinda went into it thinking "okay, maybe this is the game that will sell me on kazumaji" LMAO. and i will say that they definitely make sense to me as friends in that game, in a way they dont in the main series, but i still couldn't "see" it as a ship. but that's just me lmao
AS FOR GOROMI. god i hope i can keep this one short ive already talked so much. but its one of my favorite things to talk about.
i dont know if you've met guys irl who have trouble speaking to women, but god knows i have. in my experience its usually because they get nervous because they aren't confident in their *ability* to communicate with women (and kiryu is already naturally awkward and bad at communication) and their whole lives they've seen men and women as different species because theyve lived in a culture that treated them as such, and not been exposed to social circles where they aren't seen that way. again, it's very "old school"
and this is way more common in cultures where people are more sexually repressed/frustrated and where there's less gender equality. because it becomes a huge deal, and this, like, elephant in the room. people are taught as children that relationships between men and women are always sexual, and this colors their experience interacting with the opposite sex for the rest of their lives. often times this is accompanied by insane amounts of misogyny. for someone who is already uncomfortable with sex and sexuality, for someone like kiryu, this raises the stakes very high.
but those men don't have a problem talking to me, and they openly admit to this. i think they are more comfortable talking to openly queer/gnc people because it feels like there is less at stake. like, you're already more of a freak than they ever could be so you can't judge them, or sometimes, you're as much of a freak as they are (sometimes because theyre queer and don't know it themselves, sometimes its autism and the ostracization that comes from that, sometimes both or other factors that contribute to them feeling like they cannot perform the social role theyve been assigned correctly, ie not performing masculinity correctly when it comes to sexuality) so they feel safe. the stakes are lower. i think for kiryu to feel this way he might also need to perceive majima as nonthreatening, as in, believe there can't actually be anything sexual between them. because if he didn't believe that, he would still feel nervous. this is only one possible explanation but it's one that makes sense to me, especially with how he says "why are you so offended? you're not even a girl" admitting he doesn't actually see goromi as a woman. and that's *why* he feels comfortable talking to her. if he saw her as a woman (aka potential sexual partner) he wouldn't have felt comfortable. maybe, though, goromi severs that tie between "woman=potential sexual partner" for kiryu. because he knows majima, and doesn't see him as either. i dont know, there's different possible readings here
anyway, i dont think kiryu is constructing intricate rituals – i dont think kiryu is constructing *anything*. i think its majima who does that. and those rggo stories do not necessarily imply kiryu is going there *for* goromi, it's just his preferred hostess club and majima is taking advantage of that. that being said, i don't think kiryu would be unhappy about this at all. i think, regardless of the reason, having the opportunity to talk to a woman he doesn't feel uncomfortable around is enjoyable and precious for him
honestly, thinking about it, i think its just the case that he's bad at talking to people in general. like its not even just with women. it's just that with men, he doesn't have to talk. he can let his fists do the talking. i think majima being an excellent conversationalist is part of it too, he can carry the conversation but he's also blunt enough that he'll just scold kiryu for not keeping up. majima is very real around him as goromi, so its easy to match that energy, i think. too bad majima has problems that make him incapable of doing this under any other circumstances <333
sorry if i misinterpreted any of your points, i think i kinda just took the opportunity to talk about some things i like to talk about JDKSHDKKF. feel free to explain further if it feels like i didnt address something!!
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iwouldn-tdothatifiwereyou · 2 months ago
Text
You Make Me Feel Weird
BASEMENT!GERARD WAY x M!READER
SUMMARY: That feeling where you can’t tell if your coworker is actually creepy or if you’re thinking about it too much.
WORD COUNT: 1.7k
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A/N IM SO SORRY FOR ABANDONING Y’ALL IM BACK UP AND RUNNING I SWEAR 🙏🙏 I HOPE YOU ENJOY PLEASE DONT KILL ME
———
Y/N taps his fingers on the desk anxiously as the phone rings against his ear, the unnerving noise still a genuine improvement from the lip-peeling habit he's trying to break out of before winter starts to make it infinitely worse. Gerard picks up on the other end, voice deep and hoarse from sleep. "Hello?"
He starts off by apologizing profusely, having to backtrack through what's going on a couple of times before he finally spits out: "They have to work on my car at the shop and I don't have a ride back. Can you pick me up?" The whole truth is, Y/N isn't sure he can afford even the parts it needs, let alone the labor expenses, and he's just hoping by some miracle he can get his shitty insurance to cover some of it at least. He'd begged the lady at the front desk frantically to see if he could leave his car here for a few days while he tries to figure out a way to pay for it, because he lives much too far away from work to just walk. The lady had actually hugged him, and he almost cried in front of her.
He tries to start apologizing again when Gerard doesn't respond immediately, but he cuts Y/N off. "Hey—no, no, hey, you're fine. What's the address?"
Y/N feels bad about calling when he knew that the guy would be sleeping, but he knows ultimately that Gerard will ask about it later if he's really bothered. He's maybe six or seven years older than Y/N and had been the one to train him when he'd first been hired at the dispensary they work at, and upon accidentally becoming friends, Gee has started joking about "adopting" him along with another shift manager. He's never once made Y/N feel bad for asking excessive questions about tasks, even encouraging him to call or text when they're off of work if Y/N ever needed help with anything.
He feels bad for checking the clock every 45 seconds after Gerard texted him that he was on his way. Tries to reason himself into feeling slightly less guilty because, well, it's hot as balls outside and maybe the guy would be able to break a few more laws to get here had he not been pulled over for going eighty in a forty-five a few weeks ago. But what are you gonna do.
The black Mercedes is unfortunately really difficult to spot. Y/N's stomach does a weird thing as he finally flags the sedan down, driver-side window rolled down four inches and a cigarette in Gerard's right hand. The younger guy stumbles over another apology, Gerard waves it off, just like Y/N logically knew he would, and he turns the music down several notches as the passenger door shuts. He circles the giant parking lot instead of bothering to make a three-point-U-turn to get to the exit.
Y/N fidgets nervously with the strap of his bag, sitting on his lap. He hopes he doesn't look as flushed as he feels. Gerard re-lights his cigarette. Y/N hits his vape.
He starts talking about the first thing that pops into his head that isn't "I'm really fucking nervous." Some random poll he saw on fandom Tumblr and his own rambling, useless but brain-consuming ideas about it. And then he keeps talking because Gerard is his usual soft-spoken self, not having much to add but always listening. About a project he's thinking about starting, but that he isn't really the best at finishing projects, like ever.
"Well, I'm always here to help motivate you," the older man jokes. Y/N thinks he's joking. He laughs because Gerard chuckles. He hopes his face isn't pink. He tries to find a discreet split-second window to catch a glimpse of the man's expression. The time feels like it might never come, or maybe it's just his stomach tied up in knots keeping him from glancing over. Trying hard not to look like he's flirting. Not sure what it looks like. He thinks a little harder about what angle he wants to go for.
They have an... odd relationship. The tension in the air is palpable. Y/N reminds himself that he broke everything off for a reason. That there's things he can't (and doesn't want to) know about the guy in the seat next to him. He swallows, pulls his vape, hacks it up for a minute, and then starts rambling about an album that just came out the month prior. He's been listening to it on repeat at work.
Gerard's probably memorized one or two of the songs on the album already, with how often Y/N ends up getting a little too hyped when he listens to them.
They're about killing predators. Y/N wonders if Gerard is one to digest lyrics. I mean, he did go to art school.
Y/N definitely regrets going to a mechanic so fucking far away from the city they both live in, but he didn't have much of a choice. It's bad enough that none of the local shops would look at the poor car. He's pretty sure it's going to the dump.
That means that he doesn't have transportation to or from work right now, or for the foreseeable future. He pretends he doesn't realize that for now instead of immediately blurting it out into the heavy, humid air in the front seat of the car. He makes his mind meander to something else like he's manufacturing his ADHD train of thought and prays Gerard doesn't notice that the transition isn't very smooth. He isn't much of a video-based artist, but he has this insanely specific idea for a music video to replace a really shitty, cheaply-made one to a song that he was foaming at the mouth over in February.
The music video really did suck. He had no idea what he was talking about when it came to special effects makeup or videography and shit, but he thought he could still do a better job than flying a drone around and capturing a live performance to splice with said drone footage.
Gerard puts out his cigarette in one cupholder in the center console. He rolls the driver-side window up, and it's suddenly a lot quieter in the vehicle. Y/N wonders if his breathing sounds normal; whether his face looks as relaxed as he's trying to keep it. He watches the skyline of the city start to peek out over the trees and tries to materialize something else to yap about for a comfortable amount of time.
"How are you getting to work tomorrow?" Gee asks.
Y/N opens his mouth to answer and nothing comes out. He grimaces. "I have a friend who lives close by. She might be able to drive me." She does not live close by, actually. She lives closer to the dispensary than she does to him. He's pretty nervous about asking her if she would be willing to cart him back and forth for a few weeks. Maybe he'll just stay at her place until then. Make everything easier.
But Gerard doesn't need to know any of that.
"Let me know if that falls through, you know your apartment is on my way there anyways."
"Sure," Y/N replies. He doesn't know what face to make. He hopes he doesn't look as nervous as he feels. He does his best to laxen his tensely-set jaw. He wets his lips and doesn't know where to look to make it look as un-flirty as possible. Is that something people usually notice?
He swipes a few pieces of hair out of his face. His cheek is burning. He talks about what color he wants to dye his hair next. He's probably not going to change the color, but he humors Gerard by asking his opinion on it anyways, hoping to keep the conversation going reasonably smoothly. His tense muscles are starting to tremble with effort, the push and pull of remaining completely calm when your mind is racing behind your eyes.
"I think you'd look good with pink. It'll match your face." Y/N laughs along with him and looks at his hands, folded between his knees.
They're pulling up to the backroads of midtown. Maybe a mile or so from Y/N's apartment, he's starting to sag with the exhaustion of monitoring his own micro-expressions. He lets himself acknowledge the tension headache that's starting to pulse in his temples and leans his forehead against the passenger window, eyes resting but not entirely closed. Gerard rolls his window down and lights another cigarette when they're at a stoplight less than half a mile from one of the last turns en route.
The last few turns Gerard makes only diverge slightly from the ones that Y/N takes driving home. It's not drastically different, it might not even add thirty seconds to the route, if anything. It always catches him off-guard, though Y/N can't say it's unfamiliar by now. Gee's driven to his house... quite a few times. He always holds his breath when Gee turns two streets before Y/N thought they were going to, but then he gets them back on 39th Street and a minute later they're sitting in front of Y/N's apartment.
Y/N sits in the passenger seat politely while he nervously gathers his things, slings his backpack over his shoulder, and ducks out of the Mercedes, stepping into the grass on the curb. He awkwardly thanks Gerard for picking him up, which he waves off coolly.
"Don't worry about it. Let me know if you need any other rides, I'm pretty much available anytime."
Y/N smiles (hopefully warmly) and nods and shuts the door. He turns around and hopes his body language isn't visibly stiff as he walks up to the front door and unlocks it with a shaky right hand. He takes another long hit of his vape and pulls a friend up in his messages, shutting the door behind him. The entryway engulfs him in the dim remnants of dusk through the windows and the buzz of the refrigerator in the next room. He sighs deeply, pressing the heels of his palms into his closed eyes, and slides down to sit on the tile against the closed front door.
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laniemae · 4 months ago
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i just realised that if the Evil Mystery Killer went after wada too (by taking his food stash) wouldn't this mean that they may go after yanagi, ojima and hasegawa as well?? im not entirely sure if this is the case but as of now it seems like it. if they do end up going after the other three then i can see them messing with something of kamimura's in order to get to ken but i'm not entirely sure about yanagi or ojima. i remember sending in an ask back when i didn't know that the staff had nothing to do with it theorising that they may try to play up ojima's trauma if the motive is paranoia. but i suppose that since the mystery guy is a student then it's unlikely that any of the remaining students would do that. unless the mystery guy is ojima. i HOPE they're not ojima. what do you think???
also they want hiroaki GONE oh my days 😭😭 putting his drugs in plain sight when he's trying to stay clean and potentially slipping something into his food is CRAZY work--i feel like he may die this chapter but ojima had a bajillion death flags in chapter 4 and he's still here so who knows.
that motive,,,very fitting for the final chapter. the medbay isn't going to Smell very good in a few hours i fear. i don't know much about decomposing bodies and i was a bit concerned that the exposure to them may cause the remaining students to become ill, but i searched it up and it looks to me that isn't the case unless the victim died of a highly infectious disease like cholera or ebola. which we know none of the dead 9 had i think. although it did say that the foul odors could cause respiratory irritation.
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot as well. Initially it seems this culprit went after Hiroaki by putting the drugs back in his room, getting Tamba to target him by sending her the death threat, setting the gasoline above the art room and poisoning him. But with the whole stealing Wada’s stash along with the traps being non fatal and the caltrops being set above the girls locker room I’ve really got no clue what’s going on here. If this culprit is going after everyone then I could definitely see the others being targeted, and maybe a false target by the perpetrator themselves to try and get them off the hook. I’m not sure about the others but as I’ve mentioned if they’re gonna go after Ojima it’ll probably have to do with revealing his student profile. Especially as since they no longer have access to the dormitories Hayashi would’ve had to bring along the student profiles and the gun which would’ve made them easier to steal.
I really don’t think Ojima is the culprit in this case as the constant targeting of Hiroaki is something he’d never do, and although I’m always the one to say if they won’t do it doesn’t mean they can’t, but in this situation where there’s basically no evidence I can assume that can be the case. And with how distressed Ojima was from hurting Hasegawa multiple times makes me think he’s much less capable of violence than I thought he was.
The bodies are not dead from disease which doesn’t make them toxic. But since they’re now being unattended for long periods of time (especially the ones who died earlier on in the game), the incredibly poor hygiene conditions from 9/8 rotting corpses in an underground school would cause a lot of complications from the release of potentially toxic gases from the corpse and an influx of insects rather than directly from the body itself. The gases also released from the decomposing body will start to build up overtime and cause the air in this enclosed space to become noxious and deadly. As some of the gases that are released, such as cadaverine, putrescine and hydrogen sulfide can begin to be toxic in high quantities. So it’s likely to assume that the medbay and other close areas on the basement floor would become biohazard zones due to the gas in the air.
Correct me if I’m wrong on any of this btw. But essentially the surviving students would be dealing with a bunch of insects, noxious gases, and a whole ton of trauma.
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chemicalmorality · 2 months ago
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"The Reality War" Doctor Who not-liveblog. Spoilers ahead (obviously).
ANITA??
The rani being pissed makes me happy. “THAT LITTLE…”
Is it bad that i actually like anita more than ruby and belinda
Also, is she poppy’s mother??
Nvm its a boy
Not gonna lie I’m a little bit annoyed with this thing that RTD seems to like to do “I saw through your time stream and now i know everything about you.” and i know that people will think, oh, clara and river did the same!! And to an extent its true but the difference is that for clara, we had a lot of time with her before the time stream thing was revealed/happened, and for river, we actually SAW the adventures that happened. It was just in reverse. But i do really like Anita so i dont mind too much i guess?
I do hope she stays as a companion though that would be nice
Oh god rogue again. Listen i like him as a character but i like him less and less every time he shows up. I feel like im being negative. But so far i do like this ep i think!!!!
I forgot that anita had a crush on him but honestly her being mature about it makes me happy
“Our lord and master” …im going to hurl. Since when does the rani submit to anyone?????
Oh thank god ok so at least one Rani has some sense. But why are they acting like two different characters with completely different world views and motivations??
“The Rani’s pet human” lol
The dramatic music as its revealed he’s wearing a skirt is very funny to me.
“We’ve had a baby!” so Poppy is actually theirs biologically???? So either nursedoc actually fucked, or looms are a thing lol.
Conrad can’t imagine trans people?? Why didnt they just "disappear" like Shirley and the rest of the disabled?
Ohh i like that explanation for the bone beasts!! I feel like ive missed sciency stuff on doctor who
Most awkward baby reveal ive ever seen but i dont mind too much
Lol shirley “only one day to go!” so the disabled people obviously know
I wonder where i would be in this universe since im disabled but its an invisible disability
Im going to hurl “you really are ridiculously handsome” EW EW EW EWEWWYU WHAT HTEU FUCK I KNOW SHE’S MANIPULATING HIM BUT GROSS GROSS GROSS
Now that ive calmed down, i dont mind it that much. I think people are expecting this Rani to be the same as Kate O’Mara’s Rani in terms of personality, which I understand but I think people need to realize that its a different incarnation. I dislike the playfulness because I feel like that’s a weird character trait that the Rani just…wouldnt really have. But imo the fact that this Rani is more outwardly manipulative (even using flirting to get there, bleh) rather than just cold works. its not something i like but i can see the vision i guess.
YAY REUNIONS
Okay Mel’s description of the Rani is great
THE RANI (gasp)
Why aren’t they shooting at her? Kate was willing to shoot the fucking toymaker, but not the Rani? To be fair I do think shooting at her would be the wrong choice but still
The Rani instantly commands the stage, as she should.
Bigeneration explanation!! So it might relate to the razing of galifrey?
“Genetic explosion” the master didn’t kill them, he sterilized them? Then why was gallifrey razed? Or is this omega lore i dont know about? (i dont know much about him)
“She’s contaminated” groans “have i lost the crowd?” yeah i wonder why you’re only losing them now???? Like why is everyone being so casual here lol?? “A fetish” lol
I’m on board about how the Rani is kind of trying to “sell” her thing to them. Or explain it. Like this is an interesting character direction because she’s just trying to get what she wants in the simplest way possible - conversation. The master would have just killed them all by now but she’s taking the path of nonviolence - not because of a commitment to peace or the sanctity of life - but because it has the possibility to be more efficient.
So is poppy real or not??? She was able to go into the time hotel. I guess the reason they’re saying she’s “real” is because she’s a construct of memories that wasn’t specifically created BY conrad?
“I am genuinely sorry” i think you are ¼ sorry at best
I know this is like, never going to happen BUT since RTD has shown that his version of the Rani can be more reasonable, at least far more than the Master, what if she kind of becomes a recurring character in the UNIT spinoff? Not as an antagonist because I dislike the idea that UNIT would even begin to be able to stop her if she really was after them, but as something more akin to like, a mad scientist who occasionally pops up. Idk i want more of pure scientist rani.
So far i actually enjoy her characterization in this episode i think? Like it is NOT perfect, but its way better than last ep.
Susan Triad did not just create a zero room in 30 minutes dont fuck with me. Im willing to believe a lot of stuff but that???
I think that willingly going into the zero room is insane. Like holy shit in the case that the doctor doesn’t win (he will, but she doesn’t know that) she’s just agreed to a fate worse than death.
If i was the writer i would have them lose here
Ruby not even hesitating, just being like “can i punch him?” is very funny to me
The cut from the loudness of battle to the quiet of the zero room was great but i wish it had been completely silent, no hum
I really dislike mrs. flood im not gonna lie. Why is she like that?????? I probably missed something.
The “omega” repeating is freaky and i love it
What the fuck. What is that??????
Oh my god is he going to eat her.
Okay. rip rani i guess?????
that's. yeah. i dont even know what to say. what a mess.
Mrs. flood immediately dipping is funny though. I guess thats how we know we’ll get another incarnation in the future. But what a waste of Archie Panjabi if this is the last time we see her.
Okay i hate this vindicator sequence why is this happening
Conrad so miserable that him being happy doesnt allow him to survive
The TARDIS yay
Is Poppy there? My bet is no since there’s so much time left in the episode
Oh yay! She survived (do i care much though is the question?)
Oh my god they’re giving carla another baby lmao. God baby. I guess he no longer has powers but how long will that last? No idea
Ruby thirdwheeling hard. I feel you girl.
Also why is belinda so willing to do the time and space thing??? She wanted to get home??? Now she doesn’t want to??? Her characterization is so weird sometimes
OH NO POPPY IS GONE
The doctor not noticing ruby having a breakdown
I am not falling for this straight kate agenda
KATE RECRUITING LMAO SHE NEVER STOPS
“The boss” like the meep’s boss?
“It’s kind of offensive to say ive got a daughter i dont remember” belinda would not say this what
This is a weird scene but whatever who cares about good writing anymore
“Sometimes i think we’re all your children” okay this gotta be an illusion or something cause what
“The last of the timelords” did we not just see mrs. flood survive
JDOEI GTR(U*TGrfed
JODIE??? WHAT
WHAT HE FUCK
THIRTEEN
YES WYES
THATS MY DOCTOR 
Im actually happy
Oh my god
I missed you so much thirteen
Oh my god
I missed you
I tyhujyhtgrf4edtgyht
Wedrftghyjukiiujyhtgrfedwdrftgyhjuihytgrfedwrftgyhjuhytgrfgthytgrfghytgrfghynjuhtgr
Okay he’s going to regenerate apparently but im still to focused on jodie
All i can say is dont be billie piper please
“I never say things like that” thirteen your emotional repression will always be famous
“I SHOULD SAY THAT TO YAZ” listen i dont like thasmin but oh my god
Here we go
Oh my god the glass shattering effect is comically terrible i love you doctor who
Ohhh nooo he lost a daughter (kind of. He doesnt really remember having her ig?)
“I cant have children” i hate this retcon bc the doctor being a father has been mentioned consistently since at least matt smiths era
He’s going to regenerate isnt he. I feel that vibe. Please dont be billie piper.
Nursedoc shippers really did win and lose with this one. Not a huge fan of that ship but im happy for them lol and sad for them at the same time.
Its billie piper.
Oh my god what the fuck.
Im so disapointed i dont even know what to say anymore.
Ugh.
Gross.
Ignoring the elephant in the room…i dont like how they handled belinda. Strong female character turned into just…protective mother caricature kind of? idk. feels sexist.
this episode was just all over a mess. like when i was watching i was trying hard to be positive but. yeah.
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thesquadofua · 2 months ago
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▄▀▄ INTRO TIME, YO ▄▀▄
Likes/Follows are from @anarchivalsystem.
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The boys wanted to go first.
˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Midorya Izuku ‿ Adult
NonBinary 💞 ‿ He / ꒰ They ꒱
✎ These are gonna be less fancy because there are uh. A few of us sharing this one. xD Calmer/emotional regulator here, though I also seem to carry a LOT of our anxiety so if I'm fronting Kacchan is pretty much always with me. ^^ No real DNI, though I'd prefer to not indulge in ships that put me with those I consider parental figures or guardians - so All Might, Aizawa, etc. Thanks!
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Katsuki Bakugo ‿ Adult
TransMasc 💥 ‿ He / ꒰ Him ꒱
✎ i mostly reblog shit. dont mind talking but im mostly just here to chill and look at alterhuman shit n reblog shit of my partners. dont be an asshole n i wont be one back. i handle a lot of the main day to day shit - me n the nerd trade off with hawks n chisaki for main frontin lately. my temper aint as bad anymore but im still not the most patient so b warned.
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Todoroki Shoto ‿ Adult
TransMasc 🧊 ‿ He / ꒰ Him ꒱
✎ My name is not 5 Weenies./lh I'm not the most active fronter, but if Deku & Katsuki are fronting I'm also very likely around. I seem to balance out the emotional regulation when they get overwhelmed, as well as often saying things the system won't or can't. We don't really assign roles, per se, but that summarizes mine we'll enough. I'm hard to anger but ask that you please not try.
✎ Most of us are otherkin or alterhuman, including myself, though I'm still figuring all of that out.
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Kaminari Denki ‿ Adult
DemiBoy 🔋 ‿ He / ꒰ Him ꒱
✎ Yo~! Mostly just here to have a good time, get wasted, keep things chill!!! Ask me about my monster tolerance lmao ;3 Not too much to put here tbh, be chill and we're chill!
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Hanta Sero ‿ Adult
CisGender 👍 ‿ He / ꒰ Him ꒱
✎ Someone has to keep Denki in line and Shinso's in our partner system - 's not the only reason I'm here but mostly I just wanna vibe. I like helping out at work but it burns me out soooo fast uuugghhhh. Anyway good to meet ya! (Also lol wtf there's like no gifs of me on this thing!)
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Tenya Ida ‿ Adult
CisGender 🏃‍♂️ ‿ He / ꒰ Him ꒱
✎ Pleasure to meet you! It likely goes without saying but I generally try to keep us on task (when not actively or accidentally impeded...) as well as assisting with motivation, dedication & drive! I don't front or use Tumblr much but was told I had to introduce myself as well. Additionally! I am NOT part of the overall polycule, unless you count potentially being a queerplatonic partner to Midorya & Todoroki! I identify as aroace!
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˙ᘧ ͜ ➴ Furikage Tokoyami ‿ Adult
NonBinary 🪽 ‿ He / ꒰ They ꒱
✎ I am also an infrequent fronter. However, I tend to be around frequently in the background, especially when we work nights. The others say to "expect cryptidposting", apparently. Alterhuman/Otherkin, figuring it out, etc.
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࿐➴ Yuga Aoyama ‿ Adult
CisGenderIsh ✨️ ‿ He / ꒰ Sparkle ꒱
✎ They don't want to admit that I showed up in here, but I did~! ;>
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.....We hit the image limit for mobile so the girls will have to reblog this with their intros. Oops. Anyway, a quick rundown of the polycule as it stands will go here when we have more time!- 💞
Basically deku has a harem lmfao - 🔋
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solomorne · 6 months ago
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Hiiii I have still been playing avowed I'm 16 hrs in and I feel like I've hit a slump? Like I got to the 2nd part of the island. the emerald stair or whatever and idk. Not trying to give any spoilers bc idk where you are but I want a companion and it's bumming me out I'm having to do a bunch of fetch quests for her. Like I didn't have to do ANYTHING for Kai and Marius we just get them. Idk. I'd probably complain less if I found the fetch quests interesting but it's just a little awkwardly done I suppose? How are you fairing with the game? Tl;dr First 8 hrs were great, second 8 hrs have me like ready to throw in the towel.
to be honest with you. im at the EXACT SAME SPOT. and i haven’t picked up the game since hitting it.
the second location was real stuttery for me so i was already like Okay -_- and then you meet my girl and it’s :D but you don’t recruit her… and then you meet the other girl and it’s :D and then you don’t recruit her… like please i didn’t even want these boys but i had zero power to deny either of them. like recruiting marius felt so out of no where and when he wants to leave ur given 4 dialogue options that all say :( pls stay :( like why can’t i say ok bye. why can’t i even dismiss them? why am i forced to boy squad but they tease the gals in front of me like a prize i need to work my ass off for and it’s not even FUN. when kai jokes about u becoming assistant i was like. i don’t like this. this is boring. and quit and haven’t felt like playing again
this game starts off so strong with so much potential and it’s so exciting… i love parkour i love explore i love find things i love the voice story parts… but the second i hit zone 2 it felt like i was back at that part of the start of the game where it’s slowly teaching you the basics in the city . except then at least i felt good about fucking off first because there’s a cool lighthouse nearby. here i feel desperate to get the next companion cuz i’m dying here but i need to learn how to do the most boring talk to 3 different people side quest i don’t care about because i’ve known this gal and this town for 2 seconds and i just don’t care about them. it’s like they thought showing them starving and giatta being exiled was enough to get u soooo motivated to save her and help them and stuff and it’s like no. i’m sorry. your writing is just not powerful enough to get me that invested from some idle npc dialogue and one argument with multiple npcs i’ve never seen before and kai chiming in like “yikes” “that’s awkward” “cringe” OK KAI SHUT UP STOP INTERJECTING anyway. yeh. i agree. i wish the game kept the same feeling i had at the start but it’s like the more i play the more.. dull it is. unexciting. repetitive? i feel like if i keep going it’s just gonna… loop zone one. it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna do anything more. and maybe it will! but. it flopped so bad so fast i don’t feel motivated to see it. i literally feel zero motivation to play now? and it sucks. because i was loving it
also i was feeling drained from the combat which i’m surprised about . like u need so much money to buy better stuff or u need to really grind in ur exploring to find all the materials (and stick to one type of weapon or u will need so much more) and because things don’t respawn you can’t like. actually grind for mats. so i felt like i was being fucked by wanting to try more combat things and be more well rounded. and i felt weak. and stuck. like how am i supposed to get more money or more mats. i’m confused. ok next zone: ok everything is way more expensive here and oh my god there’s another fucking bear i don’t want to kill another bear i don’t wanna explore this location and find 50 bears i don’t even wanna try to find my materials because i’ll just weakly fight more bears!!!!!!
anyway. the reviews who gave this game lukewarm reviews… i see it . i can understand why someone would push through and finish it. even replay it (i like that backgrounds do give lots of dialogue choices - don’t like that most dialogue choices seem to be the same thing said different ways but alas) . but man idk if i’m that person. especially when i’ve experienced performance issues and glitches/bugs . maybe if they gave me women to hang out with i’d be happier. can you tell i don’t really like kai or marius . also why can’t i be any kind of evil . i gave up and decided to be the nicest cunt around because the game seems to really reward and like that. but being a dickhead doesn’t seem to be a choice i can make a lot. or being downright a bad person, that seems to be like. never. lol anyway i’m rambling in my disappointment
i’m definitely slumped. we are slumping
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meow-moment · 1 month ago
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im gonna share some predictions for chapter 5 if thats cool
theres basically no way chapter 5 isnt about Asgore. the old man mentions "a garden charred in an inferno of jealousy" as the fifth chapter of his book, which in my mind is clearly a reference to Asgore's flower shop and his jealousy of Sans.
whatever Carol and Kris and the Knight have going on, i dont think this is part of it. weve seen hints that Asgore knows more than he lets on, and while he and Carol obviously work together i dont think hes part of whatever her grand plan is. i think Asgore is going to make chapter 5's inciting dark fountain, and i think it may interfere with Carol's plans.
i think Asgore is going to be there in the dark world. i don't know what his role will be- maybe a party member, maybe an antagonist, maybe this chapter's main villain, even. i think were going to get a lot of insight into his character, and maybe learn more about what happened to Dess or why Asgore got kicked off the police force.
i suspect his motivation will be to create a world where everything "didnt go wrong," a world where he and Toriel are still married, where he's still a police officer, where Dess and Asriel are still around. this is definitely a bit of a stretch, and less of a theory and more something i just think would be cool, but maybe he has some personal trinkets that belonged to Dess, Asriel and Toriel, and in the dark world they'll come alive as bizarro versions of their light world owners.
speaking of which, i dont know what will happen when (if) Asgore encounters Ralsei, but there's no way seeing a replica of his son isn't gonna do something to the guy. Also, i think this will be a very Kris-centric chapter, with Susie acting more as support story-wise than as a driving force.
i think Sans will be there. it would be a juicy source of conflict if the guy trying to get with Asgore's wife accidentally ends up in his attempt at a perfect world, and i think their conflict will be the driving force of the chapter. i think the two will end up having a final, climactic battle- (im sure if there's a theme for this it will incorporate elements of meglovania and Asgore's theme, and will also go hard as fuck)
i suspect the "inferno of jealousy" the old man mentions refers to the destruction of Asgore's shop. maybe he and Sans' fight continues into the light world, Asgore lets loose some stray fire magic, and Kris and Susie have to escape Flower King before it burns to the ground. This will of course leave Asgore homeless. Depending on how the chapter ends, Sans might offer to help him until he gets back on his feet- or maybe he'll end up having to crash on Toriel's couch, exacerbating the tension between them.
that's everything i have. im probably wrong about a lot of it- i realized just now that i didn't incorporate anything about the festival into my predictions so theres probably other stuff im missing too. lemme know what you think! :3
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Alright, today yesterday I read chapters 17-21 and I sure have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand now. can you guess if theyre positive or negative? I'll give you a hint, its not the one that starts with a p
But before we get into that, can I just say, why the hell is everything happening so goddamn quickly YOURE ALL IMMORTAL. like, heres a rough timeline of acomaf so far: three months of Feyre being miserable in Spring post-UTM, then Rhysand takes her for one week, then Feyre's back in Spring for three weeks, then Rhysand takes her again for one week, then its less than three weeks of Feyre being back in Spring before Tamlin locks her in the manor and Rhysand and Mor take her back to the Night Court. Its been barely half a year! The reason Im bringing that up is first of all, it very much seems like Feyre is already beginning to warm up Rhysand at this point when that is absolutely not enough time for that after what he did to her. And second of all, theyre already demanding so much of her when everyone except for Rhys hasnt even spent 24 hours with her in total. And she just agrees to everything?? Right off the bat, basically the only way this makes any sense is if Rhysand is mind controlling her
Also, this is only semi-related, but i swear I remember Mor wearing a red dress to their first get-together at the HoW and Feyre not reacting to it at all ?? Also, Cassian siphons, they were specifically like a fire-y red what the hell. Now, was that just a mistake or did Rhysand use his mind powers to turn off the part of Feyre's brain that gets triggered at the sight of the color red so she wouldnt ruin his family reunion? You decide.
Alright, now lets talk about Feyre. Ive had some trouble properly analysing her the past few chapters because I was really focused on trying to figure out what exactly made her so unhappy at the spring court vs why she likes the night court so much when they seem very similar. It seemed like her motivation was flip-flopping all over the place, similar to chapters 1-3, but she already came across as far less traumatized somehow, so it felt weird that she would still have so much trouble really articulating what she wants, even to herself. But then I realized, its not that shes flip-flopping, her motivations are just contradictory; she wants to be an important political player who gets to Do Stuff but she doesnt want anyone to pay any attention to her, which is why having an empty title and no actual power staying in a city full of people who dont care if their high lord is just walkin around right beside them is so appealing
And its really frustrating because its another instance of her just getting what she wants right away instead of having to go through any character development. Shes bad at communicating and instead of even attempting to work on that, she just gets a mindreader for a soulmate, and she cant do smalltalk with nobles in order to earn their respect as Lady of Spring and instead of learning to adapt or putting her foot down and refusing to deal with the courtly bullshit at the cost of her political power, she just gets a leadership position that was quite literally made for her.
Somewhat related to Feyre being bad at politicking, they keep bringing up the fact that Tamlin just wanted her to throw parties and wear pretty dresses and maybe pop out some sons at the spring court and its just so annoying. Of course, much has already been said about how ironic it is when you consider how she ends up in ACOSF so Im not gonna go into detail on that but I did want to mention it. Also, parties and other social gatherings were a pretty important way for (noble) women who were kept out of politics to still participate in them in the past, and even if we take out the misogyny that just suddenly materialized in this book, Feyre cant read, doesnt know this land and barely knows what its like being the daughter of a rich guy, much less an actual noblewoman, of course she cant do much but sit around and reassure people that everything is gonna be alright by virtue of her presence
Speaking of the weird misogyny, its so baffling to me the reason shes being objectified and dehumanized (no pun intended) is that shes a woman whos seen as only good for child-rearing, when it really should be her being objectified and being dehumanized by being put on a pedestal for being the Saviour Of Prythian. It seems so obvious like, Ive been rotating some ideas for an ACOMAF-rewrite AU type thing in my head since before I even started reading this book, and one of the first things I decided was that everyone was gonna call feyre The Cursebreaker and nothing else and she would feel really weird and bad about it. I literally dont think anything wouldve changed if her being objectified was a more personal issue rather than something resulting from systemic misogyny, other than the fact that Rhysand couldnt be a feminist in-universe if that was the case
Now, before I move on to the next thing I wanted to talk about, I wanna quickly explain what I mean by "the misogyny just materialized in the second book" because some people might say "oh, but the first book had misogyny as well" and it definitely did but not to the same extent. ACOTAR was kinda weird because it seems to be a pretty egalitarian world, Feyre doesnt think its weird that a woman is a mercenary and while considering that the Spring Court might have a High Lady instead of a High Lord, she doesnt say anything about how it would unusual to have a woman be a leader, but it has this coating of "period-typical misogyny" over it, seemingly just because its what you expect from these kinds of pseudo-medieval european-inspired fantasy settings
So you still get all women being expected to wear dresses and Feyre being an exception for not wanting to wear one and when Feyre daydreams about getting rid of her sisters, she daydreams about marrying them off rather than daydream about them getting jobs or something. But even with that, while Feyre is considered a bit strange for not wanting to wear a dress at the Spring Court, she still ultimately gets to just wear pants without it being a big deal. And then we get to ACOMAF and suddenly theres FGM thats completely normalized, domestic abuse, women being expected to do child rearing and "continue the bloodline" by default even though children were supposed to be super rare and fae should absolutely not structure their lives around them and Feyre being absolutely baffled at the idea of a political leader having a second-in-command thats a woman. And again, it very much seems like the only reason for that is that it makes Rhysand look better if hes recuing women in general from systemic inequality, rather than just rescuing a single woman from her personal problems
And with that, lets finally talk about my most detested, Rhysand Nolastname. He fucking sucks man. In a past post I made a point about comparing specifically ACOTAR!Tamlin with specifically ACOMAF!Rhys because it thought it made sense to compare Tamlin when hes written as a love interest to Rhys being written as a love interest, but honestly, theres so little difference between Tamlin being written as an antagonist in ACOMAF and Rhys being written as a love interest that it feels kinda pointless now. Like, Feyre is upset that Tamlin wont tell her anything about the politics happening, but is inexplicably fine with Rhysand not telling her what he wants from the summer court, she hates meeting with Tamlins associates and having meaningless smalltalk with them but likes meeting Rhysand's, she doesnt like Tamlin flaunting his wealth but is fine with all of Rhysand's expensive bullshit, literally the only difference between them is that Feyre likes one and and hates the other, again, for no real reason because they are the same. Well, the same in their treatment of Feyre, Rhysand is arguably a worse person who has done and is still doing a lot more harm on a larger scale but Im posting this in the anti-rhys tag so you already knew that
Anyway, thats it for now, this got kinda long but I hope you enjoyed it
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ggukkiedae · 1 year ago
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Hi! I was wondering how would each of the BTS members describe Yoonmi’s impact on them and how she has grown over the years in an a documentary/interview?
hi! okay i love this question! im gonna touch up on this without too much detail for now though bc i think i might do something with this type of content~
jin would say yoonmi is probably the person who taught him that you get to choose the people you keep close in your life. he saw how she carefully picked her trusted friends, and those she decided to keep close stayed. even her biological birth givers were never heard from again because she chose to cut them off, and he admired her for the courage and strength she had to do that. he'd say she grew from an scared uncertain little girl to one so sure in herself and her friends that she's become very confident
yoongi realized he was capable of taking care of people as well as not judging people by their appearance at first because of yoonmi. she showed him that people are capable of whatever they want to do, like how a little girl like she was when he first met her was capable of writing and producing music and just needed a little more guidance due to age and inexperience. that's why he took her under his wing. she has been and always will be his kid, and he's just proud to say that she grew to be more sure of herself and confident while maintaining a genuinely humble mindset
yoonmi's impact on hobi is a lot more subtle, but he'd say she was like a power source for him, making him believe in his name even further. on rougher days when he wanted to just throw the towel in and go home, she would take him to the han river or to the company's rooftop and just hang out, talk, or freestyle until the spark lights up in him again, and it worked vice versa he watched her in pain for years until she bloomed and thrived. that's where he says she is now, her thriving era
with namjoon, he'd say yoonmi helped him get more in touch with the world outside himself. war of hormone was probably a big part of that, where she kinda explained to him why people may think it off and why she wrote her verse the way she did to balance it out. now he'd say he's proud to see their baby standing out when all she did when she was younger was try to blend into the background wherever she was
it's common knowledge that jimin and yoonmi helped each other with their images of themselves as well as their relationship with food (although different). he'd name her as a guardian angel, making sure he's okay. he'd not that she had a period of reflection about who she was, especially while she went on semi-hiatus to focus on her senior year, and that she was finally doing what she encouraged him to do: explore different sides of herself
taehyung would say yoonmi kinda grounded him for a time being. when things got too much or started to feel unreal, yoonmi brought him back to reality. she's like his reminder of what's going on around him. he thinks she grew more mature and comfortable with embracing different sides of maturity, something he likes to say they have in common
THE ride or die, each other's halves duo jungmi! jungkook and yoonmi grew up together, so they're already pretty similar, but he'd say that yoonmi pushed him to work harder and grow more as a person. they helped each other out a lot, and they became a source of motivation and strength for each other. he'd say that she did get more confident and mature, but he would say she's more or less the same yoonmi that he's always known similar to how he's still the same jungkook as always just a bit more mature, and that's that
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turtlemagnum · 4 months ago
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so my mom's shitty ex boyfriend was the person who set up the old internet, right. apparently, for some fucking reason, his set up had her paying roughly 170 fucking dollars a month. meanwhile, when i set it up, the same company wanted to charge us 70 bucks a month until this time next year, in which it'll get increased to 85 bucks a month. so somehow for now we're paying less than half the price we were paying (roughly 41% if i did my math right), and even when the price goes up it'll still be about half the fucking price. if memory serves they ran a credit check so like, maybe his dogshit credit has something to do with how much more we were paying? like the guy very much just drank most of his money away and then spent thousands of dollars on shit he couldn't afford because "he works hard, so he deserves it". which, side note but he was a maintenance guy who spent most of his day dicking around on his phone, hard worker my ass. like i'm not saying working a job where you barely do anything is bad, but it DOES make it so that it's bullshit if you try to act like you're such a hard fucking worker y'know. god, one of the worst things about him is that he always acted like he was the only person on earth that had problems, i fucking hate people like that. like, you might not believe it from my presence online, but i don't really complain a lot in real life. the other morning when i went to burger king to get food, it came out cold and i just ate it that way because i didn't wanna bother the worker. whenever somebody needs a shoulder to cry on, i'm there and i'm quiet and i only say things when i think i can make something better, y'know? i wouldn't consider myself a positive person or anything, but i try my best to keep my negativity to myself irl and i have a pretty good understanding of the fact that a lot of people have it harder than me. life's too short and painful to make it worse for other people by constantly bitching and moaning over every little inconvenience and perceived slight, y'know? it's also too fucking short to be constantly blaming people for things that are either your own damn fault or nobody's fault. god, i couldn't tell you how many times my mom's told me "well i WAS gonna get ready to go out but then you went into the shower and now i can't do anything all day and it's your fault, actually", and i fucking get that she has unmedicated ADHD but past a certain point i feel like you could just pop your head into the bathroom and say "hey, hurry up, we need to get going" y'know? im sorry mom, i just don't think it's anybody's fault that you lose motivation and energy easily, much less my own. god i need a shower
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credulouscanidae · 1 year ago
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not to sound like an influencer doing a sponsorship but man....hello/fresh has saved my life the last month
ive been giving it a go, and while the novelty has worn off a bit and im still battling some degree of executive dysfunction with cooking...i cannot even BEGIN to explain just how much it's helping me right now
i think the reason it works so well for me personally is that it eliminates every single hurdle i face when cooking. i get really overwhelmed at buying ingredients that may need to be used more than once (sauces, flavours etc) cuz i cant...plan out what meals i could use them for before they expire/perish.
also the idea of measuring things out, doing a lot of prep work and knowing exactly what to do adds to those little head blocks and it piles up to a feeling of impossibility etc.i waste so much money on perishables that expire and it's :/
so having pre-portioned ingredients, everything you have is what you need, has honestly given a spark back into cooking for me.
and i feel silly that i need this right now, cuz i should "just be able to cook" because i CAN cook. but the reality is that my depression and neurodivergence is quite uhhhhh life impacting at the moment. and ive gained so much weight, felt physically unhealthy/tired etc because i was at a stage where i could eat frozen pizzas and chips+pie or 2 min noodles every night. i started to crave fresh veggies and salads so badly, but i never bought them cuz they kept going off and theyre also very expensive ingredients for what they give me. same goes for flavours, where it can cost a lot for a bottle when you dont know if youre gonna finish it in time or like it etc, so you are less motivated to experiment with new flavours
this has been years and years of trying to eat better more consistently, and it seems that HF is finally something that is actually working for me.
a downside is that sometimes the cooking method is a bit inaccurate, but i also luckily have enough cooking skill to recognise and adapt it, so a lot of the cons to it hasnt been a dealbreaker for me yet.
again, ive probably just been riding some kinda high and man. i still feel extremely mentally ill lol, but i can feel the difference that a month of eating better has done for me. ive lost weight, have more energy, saved money (the meals are for 2 people so i get leftovers or 2 nights worth of food) and yeah....
i know this all sounds silly but even if it didnt save much money, i would pay that adhd tax because it's honestly changed my life for the better. not to mention ive also felt inspired to cook and i get to try new flavours which has also been cool! im not eating the same crap every night anymore.
just thought id...idk post some positivity for a change aaaaa
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befuddled-calico-whump · 1 year ago
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Hello, so, idk if this is gonna be only seen by you. (i'm still trying to understand Tumblr)
But basically, I write, like a lot, i have so many different things that I come up with in my head, and one thing I hate is not having confidence to show my writing. How do i gain that confidence? I'm asking you because you seem very confident and brave to post. IM rellay really really sorry to be bothering you.
Also, Riot Kings is by far my favourite series :D
Hello and welcome aboard! (and thank you 🥰)
When it comes to building confidence to show others your writing, I think it's less jarring if you start small. If you have a certain idea, series, or character you've been writing for a while, it's probably very close to your heart, and it can be difficult (and feel very vulnerable) to show it to another person
So to get used to letting others see your work, I suggest starting with a small drabble or piece of flash fiction. While it's still daunting to share your work for the first time, you might feel more comfortable posting a piece you've spent less time with. You can also try sharing small snippets of existing work you'd be more comfortable with others seeing
Alternatively, you can start by showing a more beloved piece to a close friend or two, and building up from there
If you'd prefer to post something you've spent a lot of time on but are nervous, then just keep in mind that you love this thing, and that makes it good, regardless of what others think. Whether it winds up being read by one person or one hundred, you never know who it might impact, be that by making someone smile and brightening their day, or by speaking to them in a way they'll never forget.
At the end of the day, your writing is yours. Interaction from readers can go a long way to inspire and motivate, but it sounds like you're already doing the hardest (and most important) step: just writing
It's great that you're getting your words out :) I hope you're able to take the leap and share when you're ready to ❤️❤️
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courtney-deserved-better · 2 years ago
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I’m curious about your writing process. Like do make outlines from start to finish, or plan things out as you go. I love how your writing feels so well written and planned out, like everything you write has some sort of payoff. Anyways sorry for rambling😅, have a good day❤️❤️❤️❤️
ooo this is such a great question! my long fics generally tend to be pretty planned out. but ive been learning recently that having less of a plan and just jumping into a story is actually better for my motivation and for plot points happening organically. part of the reason i tend to write competition fics as opposed to other settings is that the structure of total drama allows me to do less planning and rely on what comes up spontaneously because i already have a framework im operating within. so i tend to plan out elimination orders and general arcs for characters.
i would say of my long fics, slippery slopes is the most planned out, amicus curiae is somewhere in the middle, and reprised and the courtney time travel au are the least planned out. i had very specific scenes i wanted to have happen each chapter of slippery slopes and i think part of why it's a strong fic is because a lot was planned out in advance (like, months and months in advance). but there were still moments that surprised me (alejandro and courtney's friendship was never meant to happen) and caused me to deviate from my plan for the better.
i started writing amicus curiae on a whim and i got 40k words in before i realized that the courtnemma relationship would work way better if they actually knew each other before the fic started (originally they met on the show). it was a really good discovery but unfortunately meant i had to rewrite ~20 chapters to fit that which was a pain in the ass but ultimately for the better. amicus curiae was a fic where i was really figuring things out as they went along (i changed who the winners would be 3 times) but i still had a clear idea of the personal journeys i wanted the characters to go through that weren't necessarily reliant on the competition/structure (ask me about this more once im able to talk without spoiling it!!)
the courtney time travel au is a serious experiment in that its very focused on interpersonal relationship and yet almost no eliminations are planned out in advance. everything is very spontaneous despite being a rewrite of the first season both for me and for courtney in the fic. which i think helps it not become too rote! but i also have no idea how things are going to go from point a (the basic straining chapters, which i just finished) to point b (the post finale chapters).
im writing reprised for fun as something low stakes and silly (because i love amicus curiae but its angsty enough that writing it can be emotionally exhausting sometimes) and i have the elimination order decided and very basic arcs/plot points for some of the characters but its open ended enough that i can have fun with it! and it probably wont end being one of my more narratively strong fics but that's okay <3
one of my more recent struggles with amicus curiae has been spending so much time developing the alenoah and courtnemma relationships that i find myself going aaaaa!! how am i gonna get these two together before the fic is over?? its really taught me to have a clear idea of when character dynamics shift, especially for romantic ones that are going to get together sometime throughout the fic. i love pining but i find pining for almost the whole fic and then only having the characters get together and be in a relationship for like two seconds at the end to be somewhat narratively unsatisfying.
so yeah i would say i try to plan out the character & character relationship arcs and i use the structure of competition fics for framework, but i don't plan out many details/specific scenes before i write them unless they pop into my head and then ill write the idea down and come back to it when its time to write the scene. i find that not planning out conversations/interactions can make dialogue much more organic when i write it on the spot and can lead to new discoveries about the characters.
as for payoff, i tend to go for the general rule of chekhov's gun: if there's a gun in the first act, it has to go off in the third act. basically, i try not to introduce any narrative threads if i don't intend to resolve them in some way later on in the fic. for example in slippery slopes, i introduced my version of alejandro's family issues with him alluding to his oldest brother carlos distancing himself from his family, and in the last chapter i have carlos showing up for alejandro and helping him get away from his family as well. pretty much as soon as i started writing alejandro thinking about carlos, i knew carlos would be there for him in the end.
planning things out can be super helpful and i certainly couldn't start writing a long fic without having any kind of plan, but ive found that having suuuper detailed outlines and knowing every little thing that's going to happen in advance is personally stifling for me as a writer and kills my motivation. so im learning to strike a healthy balance.
thank you so much for this ask! i love talking about writing!
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novaverse-head · 1 year ago
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I think I’m gonna start using tumbler to share my thoughts and progress as an artist so this will be the start of that. I’ve finally decided how to format my favorite story. I’ve been devoloping that story with my friends for two year now. And we settled on a comic format where its kinda like “everything is not as it seems” where it kinda starts off as sorta normal but i lowkey cant fully do that ofc because our story involves being in a purgatory. So I Geuss its more just like? I don’t really reveal everything at first but just set the tone that this place is kinda important? I started writing the script for the first page and surprisingly its like doing a very detailed roleplay. Honestly? Im more scared of drawing backgrounds then anything lol I’ve been tooo hyper focused on my human skill that I’ve neglected literally everything else lol.
I also am just very scared to be a content creator in general I’ve been putting it off for a very long time I wanted to start a lot younger but I wasn’t confident in my skills but now im confident in my skills im just not sure WHT to do im even confident i can still do something good with the eras where my skills are underdeveloped. I Geuss I’ve just put so much weight on trying to wait for the “right time” to do things and waiting until i get this or that or wait until thie happens. I’ve lowkey been stalling for like two years. I struggle with even taking care of myself on a daily basis so doing art on a daily basis is kinda like hard? I used to go through sketchbooks in like a month lols. But i just have less motivation i have more ideas then ever i just am tired and scared? I just Geus a part of me just deep down feels like.. what if i put myself out there and no one wants to read my story? And love my ocs? I’ve been working so hard on these things for years so what if i show it to the world and no one even cares? I would have wasted my time and just like..i wanna be an artist and i wanna be a creator that people can love i wanna be known for it and do big things because of it and i just deep down feel like its not gonna happen for me. Im not gonna get lucky. And my efforts are for nothing..
I’ve been SO inspired by things like Undertale black butler and just artist creators. I also feel like my efforts arent enough i hear stories of others posting when they are young and slowly getting recognition or just lucking out with connections and i feel like that kind of things wont happen to me. Im black and trans and I was severely neglected as a child. No one really encourged me. No one ever really believed in me. So I barely believed in myself. It took be until my mid teens to learn basic ass things. Because I was academically smart and could speak very intelligently no one believed i needed help. No one helped me. They told me that i was smart and can figure it out myself. That’s devasting to hear. When youre drowning and know that anyone else can do this. Everyone else is better than me. I may like doing art and am passionate about it but i know everyone else is better. They arent as scared. They were encourged. It sucks. Because this has been my life story and i can’t even be good at the one thing im passionate about doing. And I’ve put all my cards into art. I’ve sacrificed a lot. I’ve worked SO hard. But i feel like it’s not enough. I feel like it’s never gonna be enough. Im gonna end up one of those sad lonely people who were so passionate when they were young but gave it up cause it never worked out. And im scared of that. I WANT art to be my thing i want content creation to be my thing i really do but as the days pass it feels like im wasting my time. No ones ever gonna like my stuff. No ones ever gonna see me. No one cares. It feel so suffocating. Doing art has become a very heavy burden on my shoulders. Something that used to save me is now weighing me down. Im not good at anything else. I ahve no other choice. And im very afraid. I dont wanna will this into existence but there’s no denying my fears. They scream at me everyday. I cant help but listen? It try I’ve tried so hard to be positive to keep pushing but i jsut need to get all this off my chest. It’s hard. Im sorry this turned into something this wasn’t supposed to be but i suppose it’s good for me to let it out. No ones really listening anyways.
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