#im sure not everyone is doing it consciously but its still annoying either way

[sonknuxadow]

soo many people mischaracterize shadow in their sonadow stuff to the point where he acts more like knuckles . and so many people also take moments between sonic and knuckles and try to make them about shadow and completely ignore knuckles or take certain themes and dynamics in sonic and knuckles' relationship and apply them to sonic and shadow instead even when it doesnt make sense and theyre just making stuff up. and its so annoying i often feel like im the only person whos noticed this i swear some sonadow fans would like sonknux more if it werent for the fact that they dont really care about knuckles all that much

[angev111696969n]

Sorry for long ask. Do you believe that the number of people pursuing weak artistic endeavors has significantly increased? Weak as in they either lack the ability or the will to actually practice? but still consider it their line of work? Do you believe that wanting to gatekeep certain things regarding is stupid? Like, do you cringe when you hear people discuss art in a public manner in an egocentric way? Or have a egocentric thought reaction? Will any of this even matter in ten years. I find it a little annoying how many individuals I see making vague statements like "I like art”, and actually using “art” as a term. I believe this is due to the inflation of thought movements brought about by social media like tiktok. Do you believe it is 100% to blame on social media? I even see older blogs on here expressing this frustration, saying that they find their interest gaudy now (specifically fashionheads, which I feel blessed to not feel any regard to). I saw your post the other day saying to “leave art behind”. Do you think that may be more tied to feeling more attached to it “before” because it made you feel unique? Really I just feel like people that were into their individualism are wanting to be more collectivist and collectivists becoming individualistic. That is obviously a flawed statement tho? Idk everyone is self centered and its very oppressing in interaction. The people in question multiply in quantity because of the other people in their lives, who are supposed to be receptive in having normal fulfilling relationships, receeding into themselves due to having the newfound individuality. It’s like an apocalypse in my opinion but it doesn’t matter too much because people will realize that they actually want/need friends or a bf/gf

ok i think this is like a year and a 1/2 old ask but im replying now cos i have an answer. i kinda see it like there are people you meet where you instantly realise they are unique in the way they interpret the world and in their aura so to speak and aren't limited by the same norms or presumptions as other people, enough so that it makes you interested in observing them live their life or in what they produce as a result of it. which is distinct from being an artist or making 'art' or whatever and as much as like probs true social media has propagated the romanticism of being an artist or creative as like an occupation, i think the phenomenon of like pulp being a genre has just become noticeable in visual art in the same way it is in literature and this whole phenomenon of seeing mediocre crap gain popularity is as enduring as the whole format of presenting something to the public is. but it's also likely that if you are truly creative it probably coincides with things a lot of people would see as pathological like mental instability or incoherent beliefs or extreme lifestyle choices etc like they manage all that now with infrastructure and increasingly so in the therapeutic hegemony so maybe it's harder to express a true uniqueness now because there's less of an archetype established that makes provisions for that behaviour given what it can result in like there's not really a consciousness about tortured artists anymore lmao. does that make sense idk? so in their place comes someone whose normieness has allowed them to navigate the careerist logistics involved in like promoting yourself. i was reading about mikhail vrubel and was thinking about all det recently. basic conclusion, the need for patrons and it's sad how aristocracy ended up western world speaking... i'm not really sure about the individual v collective part because i don't really understand it. i think if you're focused on your creative pursuits in a real way i don't think its social function really carries much weight and lots of lifestyles that are fringe in society place people in more turbulent social settings like idk drug addict or martyr or even to some degree in a different direction celebrity because the individual's reality is intensified at the expense of stable social bonds, because they are transcending that? idk. makes me think of kanye 😭. that is part of the sacrifice you make to be able to draw near to a truer individuality. actually one thing about art school i always found funny was actually how willingly the girls liked to assume the role of like carer/groupie like nothing wrong with that but the demographic of like private school mommy boys making art myself included being looked after by these like beautiful alternative type women vghbjnkm. even like the adoption of cooking and decorating and stuff. yesssss. idk. i guess when i said leave art behind i meant leave behind being invested in the social scene of it idk it's disabling. i used to feel so shit about all this cos i felt like i had so much to say and present and i just can't find a way to do that atm and i really struggle to ever actually formally make something or whatever but i just have my demons and that's fine lol cos something big is going to happen. like doesn't apocalypse mean unveiling or uncovering or something literally. and now it doesn't really make me feel bleak because there's never not something interesting happening really and if it ever feels like that then you just change state until it doesn't ❤️.

[serowotonin]

˗ˏˋ 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗮𝘄 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀 ˎˊ˗

𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿 ` sakusa kiyoomi ` 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 ` 1.2k ` 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲 ` pure crack ` 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁 ` hcs `

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ` umm idk what this is.. lowkey based off real events? midnight ramblings? yeah that kind of thing i guess... also big thank you to @kaguol��  for giving this a read (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) `

it was sports day at your school and most of the events were over and done with but the teachers didnt allow anyone to leave yet cuz,,,, reasons✨

which is why some of the students kinda just flocked to the gym to chill and maybe play around

that was until somebody suggested they host an unofficial, volleyball game

the net was still up nobody bothered to put it down so yeaahhh

rules of the game were simple: there were none, except keep the ball in the air and get it over the net…however you can

at first only a few ppl played… the “energetic” and “athletic” ones and it still seemed like a typical volleyball game

then more ppl started joining

and it slowly started getting more chaotic

it got to the point where the entire gym was the court

there were ppl running around chasing the ball, others just hitting it as hard as they can in practically any direction, then there were those who just stood there cuz everyone else was standing there so why not ??

now sakusa didn’t want to be there

he was tired because his class had signed him up for ALL the running events

why? well cuz he was tHe OnLy AtHLeCtiC PeRsOn in his class

utter bullshit btw

he plays volleyball hes not a runner

but still ended up winning tons of races just cuz… it was him💅✨ no explanation needed

n e wayss he was tired and wanted nothing more than to go home and take a nice long shower

but ofc the students of itachiyama wouldn’t let him

some of them dragged him into the game early on

again, because he was aThLeTiC ~

but this time they actually got the sport right lolol

honestly he was lowkey annoyed at how un-volleyball the game started to become but continued playing it anyway

it was hilarious how the others tried to receive even his weakest, half-assed spikes

sakusa always made sure to aim his spikes directly at ppl’s arms tho

not out of consideration for their pride or anything no no 

it was cuz whenever the ball touched the ground the ENTIRE gym groaned rlly loud and there’d be ppl going “NOOOOOOOO” 

and that annoyed tf out of him so he was nice with his spikes

then there was you

you were outside with one of your friends when the whole volleyball thing started and only came to the gym cuz the rest of your friends were in there

so you walked in, scanned the crowd, immediately noticed your crush *cough*sakusa*cough* and then found your friends standing in a group on the other side of the gym

now here’s the thing

sakusa has a crush™️ on you too. took him a while to realize and accept it but he did and now he officially has a crush on you

he just hadn’t really gotten around to the idea of asking you out or anything

mainly cuz he just very recently realized his feelings aka last night he was thinking about all the events he had to do for sports day and he groaned cuz ppl made him do it but then he realized ppl wasn’t actually ppl it was just you

you were the one who smiled at him and said “why not sakkun,, it’d be fun” and like that he agreed. then he realized further he actually thought about you a lot. like earlier he was thinking about how’d you look tmr since u weren’t gonna be in normal school uniform and you’d have your hair all done. and then he realized he was looking forward to seeing you which led him to realize you were one of the few ppl he actually enjoyed being around. THEN he fucking finally realized “oh… i have a crush…. on y/n……. oh”

somewhat conflicted abt it for the entirety of the day,,, bois experiencing feels for u ofc its gonna take some time >.<

he didn’t get to talk to you all day though,,,,,, he was busy with his own events and you were elsewhere

either way,, when he saw you walking past in the gym he kind of lost focus

lost focus in that the ball was coming to him and he jumped to spike it but only had his eyes on you causing his aim to mess up and well,,

he hit his target

*your head*

and because he wasn’t focused, it wasn’t a “soft” spike like all the other ones hes been doing 

it was a full-blown sakusa kiyoomi spike

that hit your face

(;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`)

sakusa just went: ᶠᵘᶜᵏ

you saw stars,,,,,,,, and fell on ur bum

like a split second later, you heard a calm voice asking if you were ok. you muttered out a yeah and felt arms helping you up

one of them was your friend you were pretty sure, but the other one’s hands were too big to be any of your friends’

“let’s get you to the nurse,” the calm voice said again. 

“mkay,, thats probably.. a smart choice.. yeah….” and, vision still blurry, you were guided to the nurse by your friend and someone whose identity you weren’t sure of yet

sakusa was still standing there

all that, the spike hitting you, you falling, your being escorted to the clinic,,,,, that happened in like 2 seconds

he didn’t even have time to say anything yet

to make matters worse, some random ass guy was the one who came and swept you out of the gym

sure your friend was with you but to sakusa,,, that guy sus af

after they left, the game continued and sakusa rlly didn’t feel like playing anymore

he wanted to make sure you were okay and wanted to apologize 

however,,,, the teachers came in shortly after and told them it was time for the closing ceremony

throughout the entire thing, his eyes flit through the crowds looking for you

he couldn’t find you tho>:((

big sad

after the ceremony was over,, he went to the clinic but you weren’t there

then he just kinda,,, /slump/

figured he’d just pull you aside tmr and apologize then

except,,, tmr came and he still hadnt found a good time to pull you aside for a proper apology?? 

you were just so… busy.?

finally,, at around lunch after you finished eating, you kinda just sat with your friends and were talking and stuff when sakusa decided now would be an appropriate time to apologize

he walked up to you and asked if you two could talk in private for a bit

your friends shot glances at each other. he saw,, but he didnt let it bother him

anyways,, he led you out into the hall and in the softest tone he could manage he says, “about yesterday… i’m really sorry, spiked the ball a bit too hard.. how are you feeling?”

you tell him ur fine,, just that it aches a bit but nothing serious

he nods and mutters another ‘sorry..’

then this happened:

“no it’s ok you don’t have to be so sorry. accidents happen.”

“it wasn’t an accident tho..? so im sorry, it wont happen again.”

“yeah ok,, wAIT WHAT?? wdym not an accident?!?? u spiked the ball into my face on purpose?!?!!?!?”

“WHAT NO- ofc not. i just,,, i kind of lost focus… on other things… at the time… and yeah”

“????”

*sighs* “i was focused on you when you walked past and didn’t consciously control my aim or whatever and ended up spiking it into your face”

“?!?!?!??…. why were you focused on me??”

“cuz i like you dummy” /it slipped he didnt mean to say this/

“oh.... wAIT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

and that is the story of how sakusa confessed

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ` honestly think it would be better as a fic but uh,,, my lazy ass cant be bothered to write fics rn so uh,, hope this was good for now? lol might mess around and write one later tho.. maybe `

[caramelcal]

The Truth Hurts...{part nine}

Every time your soulmate lies, a mark presents itself on your body. In a world like this, people normally told the truth so that their soulmate didn’t have to deal with the consequences. But your soulmate? They seemed persistent to make your life hell, and mark your body until there was no skin left.

Word Count: 1.8k

a/n: i just finished this but im not gonna keep you guys waiting...i aint saying no more...

Taglist:  (comment if you want to be added, or you can message me) @itsjustmeiguessallrightthen​ @moonbeams-stuff  @cece-lives-here​ @aprilfire18​ @adrianaprox​ @slytherinrising​ @deadric

Warnings: Mentions of death, blood, betrayal, and swearing. 

disclaimer: i do not condone plagiarism on my work at all, this has not been posted on any other platforms, or on tumblr anywhere else but my account (rosemoonmist) if you see anyone plagiarizing mine (or anyone else’s account) please inform the rightful author ! thank you lovelies x

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Corey was dead and now that you stood in the Sinema, seeing the needle go in and Hayden’s eyes fill with mercury, you couldn’t help the shout that came out of your mouth. The Dread Doctors hadn’t been seen in five days, no new chimeras and no deaths but every sense of security that you had felt in Beacon Hills over the past few days was hopelessly ripped away from you at that moment. Not caring about the foe there, you ran towards Hayden who fell to the floor.

Hayden was holding her neck when you and Liam had rushed over to her, her eyes no longer filled with mercury.

“Her eyes,” You spoke, your voice wavering as Scott and Theo came running in, body drowning in worry for the younger girl as you spoke, “they filled with mercury. I saw it, a-and now she looks fine but her eyes-”

“It’s okay, she looks fine, maybe she’ll heal,” Theo replied reassuringly, making you turn towards him. He immediately picked up on your worry, pulling you closer to his side whilst you looked up at him.

“None of the others did, Theo. I can’t deal with another body,” You whispered back, peering up at his blue eyes, making him form a small frown. He knew what you had been through, he knew the pain and suffrage between dead bodies and new threats. He hadn’t seen the pain these troubles inflicted upon you when you first met, but now it was clear as day. The more he got to know you, the more he seen what a toll the bodies took on you, the way the supernatural secret depleted your mental health.

Maybe he should’ve stopped. Seeing the broken look in your eyes, the way your eyes were silently begging him to stop without your knowledge, the way that he felt a small bubbling feeling of guilt as he looked down at you, his soulmate. To be with you he knew he had to stop. But he didn’t.

. . .

“Lydia?” You called out in confusion, your phone up to your ear as you answered the unsuspected phone call.

All you were met with was silence. An impending doom seemed to filter over your head, you knew that the Dread Doctors were attacking, that’s why you found yourself at the school. Yet, it was stupid to be alone but you knew that. Everyone was all over the place and you had hardly heard from anyone all night, which certainly didn’t do anything to calm your nerves.

You just hoped that Lydia would answer, give you some sort of useful information, or just at least let you know that she was alright. That she was safe and well. Alas, you didn’t get that, and instead, you made yet another attempt to get the girl to talk.

“Lydia is everything alright?” You called out, voice loud as you tried to get some sort of reply from your caller, “Lydia?”

No voice came from the other side and nerves and worry etched at your stomach. What if something was wrong? What if Lydia was hurt, or the Dread Doctors had taken her? Yet, your mind didn’t stay on her long as a large and pained howl sounded throughout the air.

The howl was one you had heard before, pain etched through the noise in a way only you could unpick. Eyes wide, you whispered in horror, “Scott.”

. . .

Seeing your unofficial boyfriend’s nails embedded deep into your best friend’s chest caused a scream to come out of you that was unlike anything that they had ever heard. Lydia’s screams, no matter how daunting and loud they were, would never match the utter pain and betrayal in yours. Your legs felt weak, you felt sick and your eyes filled with tears as Theo got up, chest heaving in power.

Before you even had time to be rational, you ran and you punched him in the face. Your other fist came up to strike him again as he caught both of your hands, and you chose to flail your leg out to kick him, one without much power that done zero damage; a lot less than you hoped to cause. You wanted to make Theo feel pain, to equal his physical pain to the emotional pain he had caused you, and for the killing of your best friend.

His eyes still glowed yellow, and your breath caught in your throat as you stared at him, his claws which were covered in your best friend’s blood gripping tightly onto your wrists with no plans to let go. You were elevated above the ground, and legs flailed with the best attempt to escape but it was futile. Eyes staying focused on him you spoke, tears building up thickly, “You bastard.”

“I’m sorry this is how it had to be, y/n,” Theo replies coolly, with no guilt in his voice. He didn’t care, he had consciously killed Scott for no reason and you would never forgive him for this. Ever.

“It never had to be like this, nothing ever justifies this,” You spat back, tears clouding your vision and blocking your throat whilst you stared down at the corpse of one of your best friends.

“You’ll understand, y/n/n, you’ll understand one day,” Theo said before dropping his grip on you, going to walk away from you and out of the library, completely unbothered by the destruction he had caused.

“That’s my best friend, you dickhead!” You ran up behind him, shouting at the top of your lungs making him stop in his tracks, “You, you were supposed to be our friend, I’ve known you since we were kids...How could you do this?”

Theo looked over his shoulder at you before slowly turning around looking down at you with a dangerous look in his eyes. He stalked towards you, his stance wide, almost intimidating, “He was your best friend. Not anymore. There was no room for him in my pack.”

You maintained eye contact with him, e/c eyes trying to look into the blue eyes despite the darkness in the room. It was several moments before you spoke again, your voice bitter as you asked, “Your pack?”

“Yes, y/n, my pack,” Theo replied with a slight nod of his head, walking even closer to you until your bodies were leaning against one another; barely leaving any room for breathing as you stared up at him. He peered down at you, before flashing his eyes at you, his voice stony like he was trying to enforce power, “I’m your alpha now.”

He ducked his head down so that it was closer to yours, his eyes no longer glowing whilst you guys stood in silence. The tension was thick as you looked back up at Theo, feeling his breath fan across your face, almost as if he was going to kiss you. Then, he started to lean in, your lips slowly reaching each other before his face was flung to the side.

You took a step back, your hand still held up after the action you had just indulged in as you stared at Theo with wide eyes, for a human you surely put a lot of force into that slap.

“Let’s get one thing clear, Theodore. You are and will never be my alpha.”

His hand hesitated but he lifted it to his face, touching the area that was already starting to mark red of where you slapped, before an annoyed smirk made its way onto his face, making him laugh. The laugh was chilling but you didn’t care at that moment, you would not back down no matter what. Not after what he did to Scott. Theo could kill you right here, right now, if it meant that you didn’t have to join his pack.

He looked back at you, his face now annoyed as he pointed at you. You weren’t sure if he was annoyed that you slapped him, or if you had slapped him and in the process rejected his kiss, but that didn’t matter either. He bared his teeth slightly as he talked, taking one step forward but still maintaining a distance between the two of you, “You act like this right now, Princess, but in the end, you’ll be by my side.”

“In your fucking dreams, Raeken,” You spat out, anger filling every atom of your being. You had been expecting Theo to argue again with you, but he just smirked and walked out without another word, leaving you to drown in the betrayal and grief he had left behind.

The silence that filled the room was deafening, and a sick feeling rose to your throat as you turned around, now facing the steps. Taking steady steps forward, trying to support yourself before you fell to the ground from weak legs, you reached him, bending down and taking one of his hands in yours.

“Scott?” You said, shaking his body as tears came to your eyes. Your heart sunk when you didn’t get a response from the boy, and you shook him again, but with this time you shook him wildly, trying to scare him out of whatever haze he was in, “Scott!”

“Please Scott you gotta answer, wake up, please,”

Cradling your best friend’s body was not something that you ever wanted to do. Your arms were wrapped around Scott’s body, your head against his as you let out the tears, and despite the sobbing now over with, the tears never stopped. You were all alone, the warmth from Scott’s chest gone and leaving behind only a coldness that could never be filled by anyone else.

Ten minutes. That’s how long that you were cradling Scott’s body before Melissa showed up, and when you saw her, you couldn’t even speak. Your throat closed up as she saw the boy in your arms, eyes sheathed with tears that would be let out until the late hours of the night, heart too heavy to support itself.

She ran over, positioning him on the ground and pushing her hands onto his chest in rapid and quick motions. Opening your mouth to talk, you hesitated as you watched the mother try to grab some tiny piece of life out of her son, to pull it back out so he could hug her one last time, and your eyes got even glassier, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to bring my son back.”

“His heart stopped beating fifteen minutes ago. You can’t bring back someone who’s already dead.” You shook your head, eyes falling to your lap which was covered in your best friend’s blood.

“He isn’t dead. He’s my son. He’s an alpha!”

But was he really?

[amazingorangedangantrash]

The only ending everyone seems to ignore is v3 because it’s just... it’s just a mess.

How do feel about this game survivors? And do you think that everyone woke up from the simulator or tv show like sdr2 or only the survivors?

Hoo boy...

Honestly nonny, having only finished the dang thing yesterday I... don't know.

(I kinda went off into a spiel, so feel free to skip to the part where I talk about survivors and what I think happens next)

I understand the mixed response a LOT. I mean- I see what they were going for. The 4th wall break was cool, and the (sorta?) reappearance of past characters was pretty damn awesome. I like that the creators are definitely self aware- and there's a kind of 'learn to laugh at yourself' sort of thing.

On the other hand it can almost seem a little too mocking?

I get the whole yaknow. 'Fictional characters are aware they're fictional and rebel against their creators' thing but- like-?

As I mentioned before, thing is, Tsumugi is not us? We aren't exactly intentionally cruel? There's a BIG difference between the kind of fiction in our world and in their world.

What does Tsumugi call it? "Real fiction"?. Yeah- thing is- we don't have that. We don't have the technology for it, and I certainly hope we wouldn't abandon ethics for it either!!! We can't have 'real' fiction, because in our world, all fiction is fake! The closest you have is fiction about real people, perhaps, but- that's not even remotely the same thing?

So it does come across as a little... um- preachy.

We're supposed to represent the audience but... like- the audience fucking suck! What was that they said during the argument armament? "This guy should have died instead of Kaede!" Like- fucking hell. Imagine saying that to someone, who can HEAR you say it, and who's MURDER you could potentially watch unfold before your very eyes as a result of YOUR actions. I mean- look how empathetic some of us are to ACTUAL fictional characters. Could you imagine if we were in a similar situation to the outside world in V3???

Maybe it's because I keep imagining the v3 cast as like- sentient AI, instead of "just fiction". Because I can't imagine anyone being so sadistic or apathetic otherwise.

So uh- yeah. I don't... know how I feel about that. It's not- very satisfying?

With sdr2, the whole "none of this is real, the killing game is all a lie, you're in a fake world!" felt like a relief ! Whereas here it's more like- "what?? It's all fake? What the hell was the point then?!"

"Nothing matters!" vs "nothing matters..."

The whole HOPE VS DESPAIR, FUTURE VS PAST thing worked, because, well, it's something we can all understand. We have all felt hope and we have all felt despair. We've all, at some point in our lives, felt stuck in the past, unable to or scared to move on.

(Hey- some of us still feel like that now, even).

The first game was very simple- hope and despair. Still relatable, but fairly basic- effective to set up the foundation for the follow up.

The second game made things a little more complicated. Sometimes it's more complicated then just- choosing between Hope and Despair. We refuse to fall into Despair, but we can't just blindly have Hope.

So we choose the Future. We can't promise it'll be a good one OR a bad one. But whatever happens- we need to move on. The only way we can make things change is by making that choice, to create our OWN future.

V3 felt very... complex. It started to get kind of... uh... philosophical? And- don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with that. It just... it kind of shifted from TRUTH VS LIE to FICTION VS REALITY. And whilst the latter definitely sounds interesting- I don't really know if I liked the direction they took with it-? I wish they'd kept the focus on TRUTH VS LIE a lot more.

(Fiction and Reality are like extensions of Lie and Truth but- only to a certain extent? Really?)

It's kind of harder to get into the final fight in V3 because... what are you fighting? The outside world? I mean- I can't speak for the rest of you, but as far as I'm aware I'm not a fictional character.

(If I am- then wow someone's a reallly bad writer huh?)

I can relate to Hope. I can relate to Future.

I can't relate to Fiction.

I THOUGHT maybe the message was a warning of the dangers of escapism ('please dont go as far as to erase your own personality just to be a part of a type of fiction you like' definitely seems fitting for this fandom)- but the message "fiction has the power to change the world!" kinda contradicts that. I mean- I do like that message, but- I don't like the idea of a series about killing games being heavily influential-!

The whole problem was that people grew so obsessed with the series that they threw away their lives! Is that not the point you should be focusing on-!!!!

The outside world in this universe fucking sucks. So they changed their mind, big DEAL! that's not comforting knowing they let this shit continue for 53 seasons-! I mean, maybe Makoto and Hajime were all 100% fictional, but at some point they started putting real people into these games, and everyone was ok with that!

I just-

I'm glad Shuichi got through to them at last but...

Someone said something which resonated with me- "in a vacuum, this is good". Like... on it's own, I thought the ending was great! It was entertaining, for sure. And the whole concept and stuff was unexpected and interesting. You gotta give em points for originality.

The problem comes with it being the 3rd game in a series. (Ignoring UDG I mean-). When a series becomes a Trilogy, you gotta make it good. This is presumably the last game in the (main) series too. And- after the UTTER NARRATIVE DISAPPOINTMENT of dr3- can you blame people for wanting more? People fell in love for THH and SDR2 (and UDG even if its not part of the main series) for a reason- and, for me at least, a biiiig part of that reason was the continued storyline. The last chapter of sdr2 was the hypest shit EVER. when you see glimpses of the previous game bleed into this one, only for it to turn into what's like- a full crossover???? The previous game isn't just mentioned, it's a straight up sequel!!!! I had absolutely no idea Makoto and co would return (i thought the games were separate) so when i saw that they'd be interacting with the new cast- yoooooooooooooooo-!

Hell, even seeing alter ego again made me go WILD.

V3 plays upon these expectations, and subverts them, but... not necessarily in a good way? You- kind of feel cheated? (Idk if you're an avengers fan, but- it's like expecting *Endgame* and instead getting...

Well- Endgame).

The ending isn't bad persay it's just- not quite what one would expect? I can definitely understand why people are disappointed. The problem is, instead of standing alone, you can't help but consider it as part of the series. Individually, I don't think the ending was that weak or bad, but in comparison to the series as a whole?

Meh.

SURVIVORS

(Oh my- I really got off track, oh dear. I'll- get back to what you asked now.)

KEEBO

W H Y

They rllly gonna rub salt in the wound huh?

(Whilst i dont dislike the other survivors, there are a LOT of people i really really wanted to see make it to the end, and it's just the final god damn nail in the coffin to kill off the last of the few characters I came even close to liking the most-)

Killing keebo was dumb

Maki- I liked Maki quite a bit! She's a bit cold, yeah, but I warmed up to her after hearing her backstory.

I found it annoying (if understandable) that no one trusted her at first. I thought it was sweet that her, Kaito and Shuichi had this friendship trio. They really trusted each other- it was very refreshing. I also love me a strong girl. Her romance thing with Kaito was a little... forced. I'd have found it more meaningful if they kept it more subtle/ambiguous (though i suppose they needed smth to use against her in the final trial sooo-).

Himiko-

I-

*sigh*

Ok I'm going to say this once, and once only.

Someoneonthedrteamhasabigthingforlolis

OK! I SAID IT- AND IM NEVER SAYING IT AGAIN

No judgement here of course. Just. Uh. Y-yeah-

(I'm mainly kidding of course, idek if Himiko counts as a loli but-)

I mean... I'm not... the fondest of very small, childish girl characters (Saionji intensifies). I like a bit of childishness in a character but- i mean- it depends.

(I'll never recover from the "seductive whisper" thing from the love suite event

Never.

Never ever.)

Himiko comes across as like An Actual Child at times and at the start it was VERY annoying. Surprisingly, I warmed up to her eventually. I knew in advance she'd be a survivor so i kinda thought "well she's gonna stick around so might as well try to like her". I do appreciate that she underwent a character arc too, and it was sweet to see how she became a more active, determined person. I wish it hadn't taken Tenko's death for her to finally start changing but whatever. She is quite a cute character and after a while became more endearing then annoying.... (for the most part).

Was she in my top 3 picks for a survivor? No.

The top 10 even?

N-no-

I'm glad she's still alive though. SOMEONE damn well needs to be.

Tsumugi- ah. She's not a survivor, is she? I knew well in advance she was the mastermind so I didn't really warm up to her all that much during the final chapters, for obvious reasons.

Shuichi- if shuichi hadn't survived I think that would have been the breaking point for me, honestly.

Overall- uh... they aren't... the ideal picks. Shuichi is the only one I really wanted to see survive, I was neutral towards the others. Tbh I was just happy anyone was alive by the end of that.

Waking up- for the sake of my sanity, I like to think that after the survivors wake up, they threaten to sue and/or maim the shit out of the dr team if they don't start on reanimating their 'dead' friends right fucking now. Surely they gotta keep their consciousness' somewhere in those memories banks right? I mean- what if they ever wanted a "surprise return from the dead" plotline? Surely they gotta keep em somewhere? Right?

Whether or not they reawaken as their in-game or pre-game selves, who knows. Whichever you prefer, I guess. Maybe a mixture of both.

[doubleshotofsomething]

Publicity Stunt

Publicity Stunt | Part Five

Warnings: Swearing. Fluff?? Idk man just like a bunch of mushy mushy feely stuff

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Reader is a Fixer/PR and longtime friend of Pepper Potts. There’s literally two parts left and thats just sad.

PS: So i was sick the past week and i decided to google my symptoms (even though it was literally a cold), and i found out that there was a US President that died of a flu shortly after his inauguration and i have never valued modern medicine more in my entire life. Idk why im telling you guys this, it was literally in my head and i just felt like “hey. maybe they wanna know??” and here we are. we have a strong immune system that can withstand the illness that once killed a president. now thats a superpower. pow pow. 

PPS: please ignore the PS

Scroll to the bottom for the next part

---

 Bucky hated your assistant.

He loathed the poor guy more than he should have, more than he thought was possible. The random resumes that found their way through the slit at the bottom of your door, each one containing a female graduate far more qualified than the other, were just a small indicator of that.

You practically rotated around Jonah; wherever he was, there you were a few feet away and visa-versa. You had skipped morning jogs, always starting and ending your days in the boardroom amongst paperwork and your assistant. You were watching less Disney movies, spending less time with Morgan and the team, even Wanda had to drag you out of the boardroom just so you can drink coffee with her in the morning.

“You know, he makes her coffee now,” Wanda had said bitterly to Bucky, glaring at Jonah as he walked out of the kitchen with a fruit salad. “And he doesn’t even make it the way she likes it.”

Bucky frowned, turning in his bar stool to look at her, “you don’t make it the way she likes it.”

Red eyes glowered back at him, daring him to continue. “You starting to sound a lot like that walking lump of meat.”

“I’m not trying to offend you,” he raised his hands in surrender, “I’m just saying, she only drinks your coffee because she likes you.”

“Bullshit.” Her nose flared, “Bullshit and I’m gonna prove it!”

You had drunk her coffee and assured her that you liked the way she made it, told her not to listen to Bucky because you never did. Then your phone rang and you bolted out of the room before he could even say anything.

 You weren’t you anymore, not the you that he was getting to know these past few months. You weren’t cooking with him anymore; your nights were strictly takeout nights. You weren’t scolding everyone like you used to, too occupied with whatever Jonah was saying or with whomever you were on the phone with to even cringe when Morgan clung to. You weren’t calling him a monument anymore and he was hating Jonah for it.

It was past midnight when he found you. You were sitting on the floor, barely awake, with papers scattered all around you and the TV on that news channel you always played in the background.

You jumped slightly when he sat down next to you, and that bugged him.

You let out a breath and laughed softly at your racing heart, with your hand on your chest, and that annoyed him.

You barely glanced at him when you said you thought he was sleeping, and that tipped the boiling pot.

“I made a list,” he said, one leg bent under the one stretched out behind you.

You nodded, focusing back on your laptop and the papers in front of you. “Are you gonna check it twice?” You retorted, “find out who’s naughty and nice?”

Your heart hadn’t stopped racing since he sat down. It had been days since your last encounter alone with him, you’d like to think that was the reason your stomach was knotting –given that your last encounter wasn’t a fond memory of yours – but you’ve known that sensation since his sea blue eyes met yours. Your heart had since forgotten its rhythm, beating at rates you couldn’t understand but accepted, nonetheless. The only problem now, was that you don’t remember how you smothered, how you ignored, those feelings before.

“I already checked it, and had Jarvis check it,” he said, his head tilting to the side a bit to get a clear view of your face, “but you haven’t interviewed them yet.”

“Jonah is irreplaceable.”

“The five years and three assistants you had when he dusted say otherwise.”

“Barnes—”

That’s not how you used to say it, he thought as he stared into the side of your face.

It used to sound so beautiful when you said it; so natural, so fluent. He couldn’t remember how many times he told people to call him ‘Bucky’, it was already an automatic response to being called anything else. But his tongue felt heavy every time you called him Barnes; his frostbitten heart warmed just a little, just enough to let him breathe again – live again. Suddenly, he didn’t want to correct you, to ask you to call him Bucky, because his last name had never sounded so good, so right, cloaked in your voice.

It would sound so much better, next to your name. He almost smiled at the thought.

Now, though, it sounded… worn. Like a part of it died when he fell of that train. Like it somehow survived the fall but wasn’t fully itself – in and out of consciousness – with only glimpses and fragments of what it used to be, pieces that were only scraped away with a rusted knife every moment they occurred.

“You might as well call me Soldat, if that’s how you’re gonna say my name,” the words left his lips before he could even stop them, acidic in their true form.

Because you said it in the same way you had once said Winter Soldier.

You visibly tensed, slowly turning to face him. You weren’t sure what to expect when you eventually looked at him, hostility perhaps – even blankness would have been acceptable. You certainly did not expect a sea of emotion staring back at you.

You glared into the kind of blue you never thought you’d like. “Don’t,” you began through gritted teeth, “don’t you ever say that to me, ever again.”

You didn’t want to feel the way you did whenever he was around, or whenever you thought of him. You had tried, countless of times, to rationalise it, make it into something you could understand. He was a monument of a man, you had tried to justify to yourself, a legend in the making. That had to be why you felt like your chest was going to explode with rage, why you couldn’t stop seeing red when you finished reading his files. It had to be because those timid blue eyes and that cheeky grin were forced behind a wall of ice, that the government was planning on putting him behind another inhumane wall, right? You were all sorts of angry because of the violations made by others, not because of the horrors suffered by him, right?

His blood was bluer than blue, because he was a war hero story waiting to be told. Not because you thought he was worth far more noble, far more royal, than any monarch.

He was Celestial-like because he lived through things no other human could, he survived terrors that people couldn’t even imagine. Not because he was the first person to ever make you believe in something… believe in him.

He was a monument, because… because, damn it, you had a thing for monuments and that had to be the reason you felt the way you do.

“Then don’t say it like that,” he fired back, moving an inch closer to you. “Say it like you used to.”

“I’m—”

“And get rid of him,” he interjected, reaching for your laptop and closing it.

“Jonah is not leaving.” You accentuated every word, glowering up at him. “That’s not even up for discussion.”

But you are, he wanted to say, you’re leaving me.

He shouldn’t feel like this about you. He wanted to believe that this, the feelings, was only temporary, was only one-sided. But he couldn’t. Not when his every decision, since he met you, revolved around whether you would approve. Not when his every thought, every word, every idea seems perfectly crafted to fit you in any and every way. Not when you let him rile you up – he’s watched your previous press conference; nothing gets under your skin. It couldn’t be one-sided, this unrelenting pull he feels towards you had to be reciprocated, especially when you’re staring at him like you just read his mind.

You weren’t Wanda, you couldn’t read minds, but you would have liked to. Especially when you swear you just witnessed an entire ocean dry up in those moody blues of his.

“Then what is?” His voice is softer, the knee of his bent leg laying just beneath you criss-crossed legs.

“What?” You breathed out, wondering when he had gotten so close so quickly. Was his file the one with super speed?

“What is up for discussion?” He clarified, removing the supporting hand to pluck the out of your hand and tossing it behind him. “Can we talk about how you’ve been avoiding me, since you passed out in the woods?”

You were staring into a filling ocean now, one that was filling rapidly and with hush waves you had never seen before.

“Can we talk about how you scared the shit out of me that night?”

They were relentless as they stared back, crushing into you so mercilessly that you thought you might drown.

“Can we talk about—” he swallowed, fighting to find the right words, “—what I want, for once?”

His hands were hot on your cheeks, your hands felt soft and delicate as they rested on his shoulders, your legs on either side of his. When had he moved you onto his lap?

“What?” You rasped out in confusion, unsure of how you ended up on his lap, unsure of why you wanted his hands back on your waist but still on your cheek.

Your chest was pressed to his, close but not close enough. “I wanna go back to that night,” he whispered, brushing his nose against yours. “I wanna go back to that moment, when it was just you and me. When you held onto me so tight, like you were scared I’d disappear if you let go. I wanna hold like that—”

“Ba—”

“I wanna hold you like that, every morning, so fucking close, so bloody tight—” his metal arm moved to wrap around your waist, hugging you closer to him, “I wanna wake up to you, in my arms, every time. Not just in the morning, in the middle of the night too, when you’re turning or when I just wake up because—” his right hand moved to cup your jaw, his thumb gently treading below your bottom lip, “—because I… I wanna give you my last name, make it yours, put a ring on every one of your pretty little fingers. Maybe give you one or two of those babies you pretend not to like, fuck, sweetheart. I wanna know what you feel like—”

“Bucky,” you tried to warn him to stop, but it came out as more of a whine than a scold.

“I know,” he breathed out a short laugh, pressing his forehead against yours and shutting his eyes. “I just—” he swallowed, “—I wanna love you so fucking bad, give you everything, give you all of me and more. Because, fucking hell, you deserve it all. I wanna build you that monument you never shut up about, wanna make an honest woman out of you—”

His lips brushed yours accidently, at first, then tentatively – as if checking to see if you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you – and when you didn’t pull away, he went all in. And, damn it all to hell, your lips were softer than he had imagined, better, intoxicating. He didn’t want to stop, he kept pressing closer into him, even though there wasn’t a breath between you both. You didn’t think you could stop, not when it felt like this; like something you couldn’t place, but somehow knew what it was, and it was exactly what you had been lacking all these years.

“Lemme—” his right hand tangled into your hair, his attempt to bring you closer, “—love you, darling, I can love you good.”

Next part

[bunchamunchafaunus]

The Rise of a Ventian Queen [2]: The Next Step

“So, Peri.”

Hearing her name got the worried woman’s attention drawn from her bedridden friend to the man behind her. A raised brow curious what he wanted, such only getting stronger seeing him pat at the floor beside him.

“Come tell me some stories of Team Empress while we wait for her to recover.”

Such a simple request actually got the Komodo laughing. She wasn’t sure why she had expected anything else, but for some reason it caught her off guard. It only took another glance back to the slumbering Qilin to realize they were going to have to wait for a fair while before she’d wake. They definitely had time to relax, especially given she was sure the NeverCondor would take to the skies to get away from the canyon once it could.

So she did just that. Stepping back till she felt her back eased to the wall by her tail keeping her from just outright falling against it, she found herself on the metal ground beside her friend’s father figure. Taking in a breath to relax herself as she let her shoulders drop at last. Tail curling round to fit it’s thinner end under her legs.

“Well to start, I think I gotta mention she was the most awkward person out of everyone in the room the night before our entrance exam. No lie, she just kept looking over everyone in some awestruck state for about an hour at least while people came in and out of the room.”

The two laughed some, Peri recalling the silly look that had been on Emma’s face back then, Umbir imagining it.

Knowing they were in for some fun chatter, they made themselves comfortable and began. Not too long after would they feel the engines of the NeverCondor roaring to life and the large metal vessel leaving the ground and beginning to soar.

                                                   - One Day Later -

P - P a p a...

S h i t! E m m a!

Ringing.

L a y  h e r  h e r e!

Silence.

Darkness.

Was she?

No, no, she was still hearing noises here and there. So very faint and muffled, but they were there. Familiar voices, laughter, beeping... snoring? She was still so warm too. She had to be alive, right? Yeah, yeah, she had to be. From everything she knew, she’d be cold if she wasn’t.

For some time it was just this empty void. The odd sound so faint and muffled here and there, but nothing all too loud or obvious. Just the constant wonder of what might have happened to her and what would come to pass. It got to the point she was actually starting to worry, trying her best to have something, anything change. Yet nothing did, no matter what she tried.

Though something eventually changed, a small, tiny little dark orange light breaking the darkness. One that would change to fit a form, a humanoid figure. Instantly she knew what it was, and felt herself calm with it’s presence quickly. But that calm would suddenly be shaken up, hearing a voice. One that was clear, one she never heard before. A woman’s voice, low, echoing, comforting. One single sentence being spoken by it.

“I am proud of you”

The source of this voice disappearing soon after, leaving her alone in the quiet darkness once more. But this would not last long before the Qilin felt herself falling. Such a sudden sensation causing fear and panic to fill her, making her body jerk and flail for a single second as she sat up and found herself awake, staring at a wall judging by what she could now see her aura flowing up. Her breathing being long, deep breaths as she took in the situation.

Aching and sluggish body, left leg felt better but right knee still stings, a slight pinch in left arm, the sudden moving form of a person with a blue aura running past her view. The left side of which showed nothing defined when they saw the other living being, just a messy uncontrolled pattern of blue spread across a whole half her vision. Blinking a few times, she could tell her aura was switching from it’s default navigational assistance to the protective layer and back each time. Eventually stopping, closing her eyes, and focusing it to it’s defensive capabilities before letting it ease back to it’s usual sight-providing action. Finally staying as such whenever she blinked afterward.

“Emma!”

The Princess’ head turned immediately upon having the ever so familiar voice register to her, seeing the umber form of her father figure standing in what seemed to be a doorway. Plus some slight peek of a friendly red aura just around the door-frame beside him though it would duck back to be hidden as she saw the man draw closer. Soon after feeling his arms wrap ‘round her upper body and his cheek against the top of her head.

She wanted to return the embrace, but her body felt slow, heavy even, much more than she was used to. It even hurt some to try and move anything beyond how her body was now after having awoken so suddenly. Though she was sure she could manage speaking at the very least, so she cleared her throat before attempting to.

“Papa?” Her voice a little rough, but she still spoke. Not getting an answer right away, she could feel his arms move and saw his form begin lowering some. Soon seeing the shape of the man’s head as he had dropped to one knee in front of her so she wouldn’t have to turn her own head up so high.

“Yes, Lil’ Filly?”

That nickname again, she wasn’t sure whether to feel comfort hearing it again or to be annoyed by it and say she wished she hadn’t woken up as a joke. Quickly deciding against the later.

“What-... What happened? After what I did?”

“Well, assuming you remember up to the point I signaled the NeverCondor to fire, they got the two shots off. The destroyed rocks and trees from the blast on the cliff and the mountain began falling down into the canyon, but I’m pretty sure you somehow managed to stretch out your Semblance’s range because it all stopped mid-air and began spreading out across the width of the canyon itself. Once the Goliaths were getting right under the debris, it began dropping. Some hit the first two, the rest began falling on the next two, but all the stuff that you had circling the three of us quickly sped up and began being loosed in the direction of the front two Goliaths. The barrage forced them to start moving backward, thus suffering the rest of the falling debris like the two behind them. Four Goliaths were pinned beneath all sorts of rocks and trees, likely dead, and the Grimm on the far side were blocked off.”

Hearing it back from Umbir, Emma was sure she had been awake for the events he recalled. Her own mind replaying the sounds she had heard at the time. The thunderous gunfire from the Airship, the trumpeting sounds of the Goliaths, stone hitting stone, she was sure of it. “What about after that?”

“After the wall of debris settled, you collapsed. You had exhausted the vast majority of your aura to the point that you couldn’t stay awake. The Dust crystal you had used fell from your hands, depleted, and the winds around us started to die down. With the remains of the Grimm horde that were on our side starting to move again, I had Peri take you and get you into the NeverCondor.  I ran back on my own, the turrets were manned, cannons recharged or reloaded, and the majority of what we still had to worry about of the horde was destroyed. Once enough was gone, we took to the skies. We’re settled above the ocean right now.

“How long was I out, Papa?”

“I wasn’t exactly paying attention to the time, but judging by the position of the sun compared to how it was when you lost consciousness, it’s almost been a full twenty-four hours.”

Twenty-four hours, it felt like she had been in that dark space for so much longer than a single day. One shaky inhale later, the name he had mentioned snapped back to her mind, making Emma move in sudden worry, despite the pain she felt by doing so and the wince it earned from her. A noise which got her father figure immediately rising to stop her from moving too much and carefully lay her back down.

“What about Peri, where is she?”

“She’s fine, Emma. Your teammate’s a wonderful young woman who cares a lot about her friends. Peri was actually by your side for the first few hours, it took telling her about how strong you were during your recovery after Samuel grabbed your neck that one time to get her to calm down, eat, and get some rest. She’s still asleep since she used up quite a bit of her own aura against that horde as well.”

To hear the Komodo was safe and resting eased the Qilin’s worry for the other. Sighing with relief as she let her head press back against the pillow.

“I’m gonna have to face them now that I’m here aren’t I? Make sure all those people aren’t scared about him finding them and ruling them like Manus did so they don’t attract Grimm like that again.”

Umbir chuckled a little. “It’s actually kind of funny that you mention it. There’s some soldiers who were loyal to Cres, now loyal to me, out side this room right now. They insisted on standing guard outside the Medical bay to make sure you’d be safe while you were out.”

This revelation was... odd... to say the least. Emma was so sure she would never be able to successfully fill any Royal role for so long in her life. Then she announced herself to dozens of Nobles as the Princess she was by blood, making word spread of her living state after having been thought dead for a good while. Now, she had people looking to her to be their Queen. People from her own place of birth. Ventian civilians and soldiers both. She didn’t feel ready to accept the role they needed her to play, but if she didn’t, she knew the events of the previous day would eventually happen again.

Maybe even to a much, much worse degree.

“Either way we look at it, I can’t really move right now can I?” She remarked with a little chuckle behind her words. A sound which Umbir repeated on his end at the inquiry.

“No, not really. Not without it hurting a lot since you’re body’s still recovering from such a heavy dip in aura. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to move around better again. Plus your legs could use just a bit more rest. The cut on your left was shallow, but it was long, and the scrape to your knee was a lot worse, so even with another day of your Qilin genetics healing that up it’s going to be sore when you try to walk on it again.”

“Okay ‘DAD’. I’ll stay in bed...!” A joke reply, but one that both parties laughed at.

“It’s nice to know you’ve still got that childish side to you after all this time and all the hardships you’ve faced, Emma. I’ll go get you some water.”

The Qilin simply nodded in thanks for the man’s concern and care, letting herself relax and her eyes close for a moment while she listened to his footsteps leaving the room. A shuffle of a couple other metal clad feet outside the room moving to clang together before stepping to what she assumed was a basic defensive stance for the Soldiers she had been informed of.

Over the next few hours, Umbir would come and go from the room. The two speaking over various different topics and points of her experiences ever since she had left Ventus so long ago. At one point even getting Peri up and visiting Emma to see how everything was going. The three of them conversing and interacting for a fair while longer before one-by-one people left the Medical bay for the night leaving Emma to rest on her own.

It was about noon the next day when the Qilin’s friend and teammate would enter the Medical bay with a set of new, clean clothes in a bag for her.

“Big day today for ya, Em’.” The woman remarked making her way toward the Qilin’s bedside. As she did, she watched the young woman atop the bed adjusting to an up-right seated position with a smile across her face. “Roy and I made sure to get something that looks real fancy.”

“Roy’s with you?”

“Well not right now, no, he went to talk with Umbir about something, but I did drag him along for the clothes.”

“You didn’t get something that’s all show without any comfort did you...?”

“Oh hell no, I know well enough that we tailed Faunus need clothes that are comfortable over everything else. Stuff’s real soft on the skin and still looks nice. I’m not gonna say you’re going to be comfortable mentally or emotionally while you’re up in front of your people, but at the very least you will be physically.”

Lifting the bag in her hand, Peri placed it down into Emma’s lap. “A nice white button-up top with a black knee-length skirt that has purple floral patterns, some white thigh-high socks, and a purple ribbon that can be tied into a bow under your collar or you can tie back your hair with it. I’ve got you~ Now go ahead and get dressed, I’ll be waiting outside.”

“Thank you, Peri.” Emma spoke with a soft thankful tone  while the Komodo was close enough to still hear. Watching on afterward while the woman’s red form would leave the room, leaving her alone in it again. Taking a second, she made sure to pull the curtain by the foot of her bed ‘round to hide her from view of the door to the room.Once with more privacy provided, she shifted to get off the bed on the far side to begin changing her clothes. Taking a second of pause noticing her necklace was absent from around her neck.

About five minutes would come to pass before Peri and the four soldiers standing ‘round the door as protective guard for the Royal within the Medical Bay would hear the door open. A second later seeing the Qilin step out from the room within the newly provided clothing. The bag in hand containing the clothes she had changed out of, and the purple ribbon in her hand. Tail behind her finding itself dropping low and pressing against her leg with uncertain worry about the situation.

The four Soldiers, upon seeing her come to a stop, would turn to face her directly. A single stomp being done as they would, unknown to Emma, salute to her. Peri on the other hand could see that the three men and one woman had their right hands raised and placed diagonally across their chest while their left was tucked behind the small of their backs.

Taking a second, the Royal looked around to the four unfamiliar aura forms that surrounded her. A rather nervous smile present upon her face that all present could see clearly. After a couple seconds of silence, one of them would clear their throat before speaking. The sound drawing Emma’s foggy eyes to the unknown person immediately to her left before their pale yellow form in her eyes would lower to a knee.

“Your Highness, Melo Grove, I used to serve the late Queen Cres rather closely.” A soft woman’s voice quickly introduced herself. “I’m unsure of whether Sir Dew has mentioned it directly to you yet, but Cres truly did regret forcing you out of Ventus. For the past few years especially she searched for any sort of sign that you were alive in hopes of eventually meeting you in person and apologizing for her actions. When word spread among nobles across Remnant that you were present at the Duke of Coste’s charity event, she was ecstatic to know you were alive and well.”

What the Soldier said, while not entirely new to the Qilin as she had, indeed, heard some of it from Umbir, was appreciated. If not for the fact it contained some new information, then because it came from a voice which sounded so genuine and confirmed what her father figure had told her. Still, even with how she felt, there was the whole fact that being treated the way she was by these four was entirely new territory. A short glance to Peri for some sort of assistance just earning a shrug to the red shoulders of her friend’s figure.

“I-...” Focusing her attention back to Melo, she swallowed a nervous lump that had formed in her throat. Stepping closer to the kneeling woman, she shifted the lone ribbon to the same hand holding the bag as to clear one up for freedom of use. Then bringing that same hand up to gently rest on the woman’s shoulder, which caused their head to rise and she could feel their eyes on her once more. She noticed now a soft vibration of anxiety in the pale yellow form. One she attempted to ease by giving a soft, more confident smile.

“Th-Thank you, Melo. It-uh... it comforts me knowing Queen Cres wished no ill will towards me during the last years of her life. I-... I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to fill her shoes since I honestly never really expected to be doing... well.. any of this honestly, but I hope that we may work together as well.”

It was obvious to the four that the Royal they were currently looking to wasn’t exactly used to any of this. That despite how unsure of herself she sounded, the Qilin was trying her best. They could all respect that, immediately feeling much more comfortable with her as the one they would soon follow. Melo herself now giving a wide smile as she looked up at Emma.

“I would be honored to work alongside you, Your Highne-”

“Emma, please...”

“Emma... I look forward to serving you.”

Seeing the woman’s head bow again, the Royal watched her soon rise to her feet again.

“Is there anything we may do for you... Emma...?” The tone of Melo’s voice made it obvious she was going to have to get used to using a proper name instead of a title while addressing her superior.

For a short bit, things were quiet on the Qilin’s end, looking between the four soldiers again, this time in thought. “C-Could I maybe get some more privacy with Peri? We’re in a safe place, I really don’t think I need four guards here...”

She didn’t see it, having been looking away from the one Guard who’s name she knew so far at the time. Melo’s attention moved between the other three, the group coming to an unspoken agreement before the trio of still unknown Soldiers would take their leave. Relaxing their forms and beginning down the hall of the Airship they were currently in.

Sighing once there was less attention on herself, Emma turned to the woman once more. This time bowing her own head as she voiced her appreciation. She received a bow in return. After which her attention moved to Peri as she fetched the ribbon from the hand the bag was in.

“Could you tie my hair back? Just want it all to be nice and neat behind me for when I do this.”

The Komodo, befitting her personality, chuckled  some at the request, but nodded none the less. Stepping to her friend, she took the ribbon in hand before physically encouraging a turn with a gentle push to the shoulder. Once such movement finished, she brought the ribbon between her lips to hold it while working on collecting the mass of near white hair that belonged to Emma. Every now and then working a hand down the length of it to try and funnel it all together better the farther down it went.

“Peri?”

“Yeah?”

“You possibly know where my necklace went?”

“Yeah, Umbir has it. Said he’d be giving it back later while you’re addressing everyone.”

Her answer made some sense to the Qilin, nodding a little in understanding as she fell silent for her friend to finish her work.

Once she felt she had a good enough control of her friend’s hair, Peri shifted hold to one hand as the other retrieved the purple fabric and worked it around the hair to replace her other hand. Finally being able to begin working on tying the ribbon tight to give a clean and proper finish to Emma’s appearance with a small bow holding her knee-length hair together at the bottom of the back of her neck. Looking to Melo, she earned an approving nod from the woman before looking back to it herself and nodding her own head.

“There ya go, ‘Your Highness’.”

The joking use of the title earned an elbow moving to impact with her arm. Laughter following from both the Faunus as Emma turned to face her teammate again. All this right before the shorter of the two would move to hug the taller, which was quickly reciprocated.

“Thank you, Peri, for everything you’ve done the past few days.”

“You’re welcome, Emma.”

The two letting their embrace last a couple seconds longer. Breathing in the comfort they shared knowing they were both alive and well after what they had gone through the other day. Once comfortable, both let go, Peri patting at Emma’s shoulder as one last gesture of fondness before she’d speak again.

“Now, you’ve got a crowd to address.”

A deep breath in and a sigh out would be taken by the Qilin. “That I do...” She glanced the two ways down the hall available to the three of them, brow furrowing some. “Um... Melo?”

“Yes?”

“D-Do you know what way we need to go?”

“That I do, just follow me.” Without missing a beat, the pale yellow figure Emma had turned her eyes to stepped side-ways. An outstretched hand gesturing the opposite direction than the other three had gone earlier. Quickly following up the gesture by turning herself in full and beginning down the hall.

The two Huntresses followed behind the woman for a minute or so, passing through the hallways and by some crew members here and there. Multiple different rooms they may have been able to turn into as well, yet Melo kept going. Eventually turning into a much wider hallway than the ones that they had walked through so far. One with a multitude of people seated along the walls, some standing, others walking between each other. The moment they did, Emma froze.

Looking down the hallway, the Qilin’s sight was filled with such a vast array of colors filling it. The initial viewing of so many people was too much for her with half being as messy as it was. It hurt her head to see all of them. She turned her head to clear her view and hopefully ease the strain it put on her. Peri’s red soon stepping into view as she felt her hand at her shoulder.

“Your eye bugging you?” Her question only received a nod from the shorter woman as her left eye closed and a hand rose over it.

“Her eye?” Melo stepping around to the Royal’s side with her question. “What happened?”

“A while ago Emma had an incident where she saw some odd aura that she said looked like a person. She called out to them, they didn’t respond, she tried to get closer but it just kept moving at the same distance away from her. She said it seemed to just slide around, never taking a step or turning or anything. Eventually it stopped, she got right next to it, then the next thing she knew she woke up back in her room at the Inn our team owns. Umbir said that he had been watching over her for a while, and when he saw what was happening he followed her, but when he caught up an Ursa had hit Emma into a tree, and she was unconscious on the ground. He killed the Ursa, brought her back and ever since she woke up, her left eye hasn’t been working the way it should.”

While Peri retold the events to Melo, Emma found herself shivering some remembering it all. Her mind calling back to the months where she felt unlike herself afterwards. It got her right eye closing as well as the discomfort of the memories from that time began setting in.

“Wh-What do you mean it’s not working the way it should? Can she not see with it?”

“She was born blind, Melo. Sometime during her childhood her aura adapted to allow her eyes to register visual sources of aura and give some semblance of sight. She sees everyone as generic humanoid forms of solid color based on what their aura’s color is, which ever since the old Great War tends to match with their name. Mine’s Peri, my aura is a dark red, I’m a red figure to her. You’re Melo, I’m assuming mellow yellow, so she sees you as a pale yellow form. Ever since what happened, she’s explained sight in her left eye as a repeating pattern mess of color whenever looking at someone. After being told what a Kaleidoscope is, she said that’s pretty much what it’s like.”

Hearing this, the somewhat absent gaze she had seen the young white haired woman had given to her and the other Guards earlier began to make more sense. “Ah...” This was new information that she knew she’d need at a later point. It was going to be a bit of a learning curve for how to handle things with Emma. “Maybe it’d be a good idea to get her some type of cover for her left eye then. Eye patch or something...”

Turning to look over the people filling the hallway, she could see some of them looking to the trio with curious eyes. A few even worried, one or two doubtful gazes from some older individuals. Gently grabbing onto Emma’s shoulders, she guided her back around the corner, gesturing for Peri to follow. “Just keep her here, I’ll be right back.”

The Komodo nodded before watching as Melo went into a light jog down the hallway to return where they had just come from. Carefully she helped Emma to lean against the wall after the form of the Guard disappeared ‘round the corner down the thinner hall. Afterward stepping close to the corner again and peeking around it to look over the civilians filling the area.

“E-Excuse me, miss?”

A young voice would register in the Komodo’s ears, guiding her attention down to see a boy standing next to her. A pair of small antlers growing atop his upturned head among dark brown hair and his bright blue eyes looking up at her. His arms were tucked ‘round behind his back. She stepped from the wall before lowering herself to her knees to be at a more equal level to him.

“Hey little man, what’s up?”

He seemed to be a little nervous with how he lowered his head a tad further than it already had to simply keep looking at her.

“Is that... Is she our new Queen?”

His question got Peri’s head turning to look to Emma. She could see the her gaze turned to focus to the boy beyond Peri’s form, hand now away from her left eye but the eye itself still closed. She turned her red eyes forward to the child again just after.

“Well. technically she’s not just yet, but she’s going to be soon. She’s just feeling a little under the weather right now, bit of a headache. You know what that’s like, right?” A soft smile came to her face seeing the boy nod in understanding.

“I- uh... M-My mommy helped me make a necklace... I wanted to make it for our new Queen after she told me about how she was ex-exhi-”

“Exiled?”

“Yeah, that word!” His hands finally came out from behind his back. In the one was a collection of a dozen small, smooth black stones that had been drilled through to fit them onto a braided silver and gold cord. None were exactly the same size as another, nor shape, but it seemed they were all sanded down to be smooth and rounded. Smaller stones being farther out and larger being closer to the center. “I collected these, whenever I found a black rock I picked it up. There isn’t a lot of them, but they always look so nice...”

Peri felt a familiar hand at her shoulder, looking up and back it was Emma. Shifting aside atop her knees, she gave enough space for her friend to get down beside her. Even offering a hand to support her as she took to her knees, a slight wince escaping putting as much weight as she did on her right. Still a little sore she guessed.

Now at eye level with the bright blue form of the boy, Emma could see an ever so subtle vibration to his form. She put on a gentle smile in hopes of calming his nerves

“What’s your name?”

“C-Cele.”

“Cele, very nice name. I would love to wear the necklace you’ve made for me, is there a clasp on it or is it a full loop?”

“My mommy tied the ends of the cords we used when we were done braiding it.”

“A loop, then, would you mind putting it on for me?” As she asked this of the young boy, she shifted closer to him and bowed her head forward. Closing her eyes she simply waited. It took a few seconds, but she soon felt his little hands brush against her hair some. A second more passing before the weight of the stones on the cord was fully present on the back of her neck. After a second more, she lifted her head, a hand moving to pull her tied hair out from beneath the braided cord then to fix it beneath her collar. With it fit proper into her outfit, she turned her attention to Cele again. The anxious vibrations from earlier now gone.

“Thank you, Cele. I’m glad to know there are such kind children like yourself from Ventus even after everything it’s people have been through.”

He was quiet a moment after before she could feel his arms suddenly around her neck. It was unexpected, but Emma returned the hug with a hand gently pressing to his upper back. The hug ending almost as quickly as it started, the boy ran back down the hallway to return to his mother who stood a ways down the hall. Taking her hand, he looked up to her and they began talking about something. Peri noticing a smile across the woman’s face as she crouched down to her son.

“Damn you handled that nicely.” Peri spoke up as she rose to her feet again.

“You did most of that though being the one to talk to him first.”

“The kid probably thought I was a body guard or something, so it was actually a pretty smart idea for him to come to me first. Gotta give the lil’ dude props for that.”

“Plus for working on this with his mother.” Em’s hand moving to let her fingers move over the stones now settled across her chest.

“So? How’re you feeling after doing your first Queenly act?”

“Queenly act?”

“Yeah! You just interacted with one of your Kingdom’s next generation, accepted a gift from them, praised them, and helped them feel better before sending them back to their guardian! You can’t see it, but that kid’s really happy and he’s even bouncing a little while telling his mother all about you and how it was to meet you.”

What her friend was saying... actually made a lot of sense to her. No matter what way she thought about it, what she just did was something a leader or hero would tend to do in stories. Stories both fake and very real. The fact she actually did something like that without realizing it, there was some confidence that filled her.

“I’m feeling like I can actually do this...”

“Hell yeah you can!”

Another pat of Peri’s hand to her arm like before occurred and the two of them laughed a little.

“Emma!”

The oh so familiar voice got the Qilin turning her head to look down the hallway behind her. Both the earthy aura of her father figure, the source of the call to her, and that of the pale yellow belonging to Melo were making their way to her and Peri. Poking at the Komodo’s leg got her attention, a hand lowering to help Emma return to her feet with her uncomfortable knee. Managing to get back up just as the two reached them.

“Hey, Umbir, where’d Roy go off to?” Peri called out to the man as he kept drawing closer to the two of them.

“Your brother’s talking with Captain Maho. I told him to show Roy where to go once they’re done so he can be present for whatever Emma’s got in mind.” He took a moment of pause to his speaking as he glanced over Emma’s new clothing. “Speaking of, It’s nice to see you on your feet again, Em’.” Her father figure spoke up, a gentle smile across his features.

“It’s nice to be on my feet.”

“Sir Dew bumped into me while I was on my way out of the Medical Bay.” Melo spoke up explaining his added presence. “I grabbed a cotton pad and some medical tape that we can use to cover your eye, Emma.”

“Emma?” Umbir’s tone a little confused turning to look to his underling. Such earning a shrug from the woman.

“She requested that I call her by her name and not using a title.”

Em’ could feel the man’s eyes fix on her, clearly looking for some confirmation. Nodding her head, the man did the same understanding the situation.

“Okay” Melo spoke up getting the Royal’s attention as she extended a hand with a small square between her fingers “hold this over your eye.”

The process took about a half minute. Emma taking the cotton pad and carefully holding it over her left eye, Melo unwrapped strips from the tape, tore them off, and secured it in place. One down the side of the square on the outer side of the Qilin’s face, one smaller piece across the corner by the top of her nose, and one last strip along the bottom above her cheek.

“There we go.” The woman turned her attention to Umbir again. “Could you return this to the Med-bay? I’ve been around the civilians more often than you have, I think it’ll be good for me to be with Emma while she’s around them.” Her hand holding the medical tape aside for him.

“Sure. If you three get to the catwalk before I catch up, I’ll meet you there.” Taking the roll from his underling, he turned and began back to the medical room of the Airship.

“What’s he talking about with a catwalk?” A confused Emma speaking up in question.

“There’s a catwalk in the room we’re heading to. High up, gets people in a noticeable spot, can let a voice carry through the room well. Best place to speak to your people and say whatever you need to.”

Emma nodded in understanding after it was explained to her what was meant.

Just before the Knight went to begin guiding the two again, she noticed something that got her to step closer and gently lift the necklace with a finger. “Did a little boy with antlers and blue eyes give this to you?”

Her question got a nodding confirmation from Emma.

“That’s actually really nice, Cele did good.”

“I know, right? Lil’ guy’s got a good eye and creative mind!”

“That he does. Gotta give him a high five while we pass by.” A smooth transition from the trained woman as she gestured for the two to follow her again. Stepping ‘round both to round the corner once more and begin down the crowded hallway. Looking ahead she could see little Cele being picked from the floor by his mother. Their eyes meeting and the trio sharing a smile as the distance between them was beginning to close.

Emma on the other hand, as she followed behind Melo, kept her had turning to look over the people around them. Seeing so many people, thankfully now only through her right eye, she was able to look over them more properly. Seeing so many whom appeared to be adults, others small and childish, a couple clearly elderly. So many auras of varying colors, but so many of them in different moods.

Some dimmed, others shivering, a few vibrating, a couple having shrunk even. Sadness, despair, anxiety, fear, so much negative emotions. Even if some of them seemed to be easing as they saw her. But a few brightened and glowing aura’s stood out to Emma’s sight. Most which she didn’t know, a lot being children whom she heard quietly asking various things about her to their guardians. Though one was a bright blue that she had met just a minute earlier.

As the three came up to Cele and his mother, Melo stretched out a hand and the boy quickly reacted. Reaching his own hand out, the two connected for a ‘high’ five. Afterward his attention quickly shifted to Emma, the Qilin could feel his gaze on her, and even if she couldn’t see it they shared a smile. Once it came Peri’s turn to pass by, he gave the kid a thumbs up and a wink. Waving with her tail as they passed and continued on.

It only took another minute of walking, passing by multiple more groups of people till they would fine themselves stepping into a much, much larger room. Within was the bulk of the Ventian civilians, dozens of them if not a hundred or so at bare minimum filling this room alone. There was still some space to move around and for some breathing room, but so many more people than what was within the halls leading here.

“Up this way.” Melo spoke up, stepping off to the side where, after a second, Emma’s aura would reveal a stair case as it began flowing through the room.

Turning her attention up the stairs, she quickly noticed a familiar aura, ever changing between seven colors and never staying as one of them for more than a few seconds at a time. Roy. His form bent forward, she supposed he was resting against the railing of what she guessed was the catwalk. Off to his side, however, stood two auras more. One she remembered from when she and Peri arrived in the canyon the other day, and one of a beige color. The red aura of the man from the canyon with his arm ‘round the smaller beige being.

“Hey there, Princess.” Roy spoke up as the trio got up onto the catwalk proper.

“Roy.” Emma greeted in return, making her way to hug him, feeling his arms return the embrace quickly.

“Hey, leave some room for me!” The sister of the Gaia duo stepping over to the two opening a space to welcome her into their hugging. As the three shared this moment, a breath of relaxation was taken by each. After which they broke apart, though Peri kept her arm round Roy’s shoulders as they set into a comfortable stance together.

The Qilin, however, would feel a tap at her shoulder. Looking to the source, it was Melo gesturing to step past her friends. Following her, the two stepped over closer to the two auras whom were unknown to the younger of the two. Seeing both of them move to turn to face her. Only now noticing that the beige shorter being had a pair of animalistic ears atop their head. Really, really tall ears.

“Emma, these are the NeverCondor’s Captains. Captain Maho Agna and his wife Captain Begi Vix.” The Guard introduced the two to the people to Emma. Gesturing first to the taller red form, then the shorter beige.

Before she could do much, she would see the man’s hand reach forward urging for a handshake, one which she took with a bow to her head. After which she saw that of the shorter of the pair bow her own head before hearing her speak up.

“It’s a pleasure to meat you, your Highness. Umbir’s been working pretty closely with us and he’s told us a lot about you. Actually kind of been looking forward to meeting the ‘Aura-Sighted Huntress’ for a bit now.”

“Please, just call me Emma. No need for titles between us. I’ve never really felt like I’d be able to fulfill the role, so this is all going to be new for me.”

“Well, if it’s going to be any bit similar to being a Captain, you can come to us if you need some advice at any time.” A masculine voice, she assumed Maho’s as she turned her attention to his aura form.

“Thank you, Captain. I’ll keep that in mind for the future.”

“Here.” Maho again, his arm moving, seemingly to retrieve something. “Whenever you’re ready, there’s a switch on the side of this headset that you can use to turn it on. Once you do, a microphone will fold out and you can speak into that. It will broadcast your voice through the entirety of the ship. Since the Ventian refugees we have on board are spread about the central area of the ship, this will let all of them hear you from where they are.”

The object held out to her, according to what Emma would see with her aura flowing over it, appeared to be a wireless thin headset. One side ending with a thinner stop she assumed would fit over or behind her left ear. The other with a wider and thicker section with a somewhat similar shaping as the other, just with an extra bit that she assumed would go inside her ear. Reaching to take it, she brought it to hold in both her hands across her front.

“Thank you, again Captain. For taking care of... my people... in their time of need. For bringing them to a safer place. I’m not absolutely sure about it, but I think I have an idea of a location where they can be housed for some time until we’re able to get some more proper housing set up. Just might take some time to get it ready for them.” A fairly obvious bit of nerves present as she said that second sentence.

“If you need any help with that, just let us know, alright? We’ve got some people who’re great with repairs and building, and there are actually quite a few of your people who’ve offered to help us with keeping the NeverCondor in good shape while they’ve been on board.”

“I’m glad they’ve been able to help with your travels since you’ve taken them in.

“Y’know” Begi again “for someone who’s unsure how well they’re going to do as a Queen, you’re already handling yourself pretty well just talking with us.”

“R-Really?” A somewhat disbelieving tone to Emma’s voice.

“Hey, that’s the kind of talk I’ve used to make some deals as Captain while Maho’s not been available before. There’s definitely going to be some hardships and some things to get used to, sure, but I think you’re going to do fine in the long run, Emma.”

A gentle smile came present to the Royal’s face hearing Begi’s words. “Thank you, Begi. It helps knowing so many people have been showing faith in me.”

Feeling a hand come to clasp onto her shoulder, Emma’s head turned to look for the source behind her. Seeing Umbir’s aura, she moved her own hand to hold over his. Now with her smile even brighter.

“We’ll have your back, Emma. You’re not going to be alone at any point in this stage of your life, I can promise you that.”

His words were a huge source of comfort to her in this moment on top of just him being present overall.  Though after hearing him, her head turned and she looked down over the crowd beneath them. Slowly feeling her smile weaken some, her nerves getting to her as she saw many of them moving closer, to look up at them.

“Despite all the support, I don’t even know what to say to them. I’ve not been in Ventus for years, some of these people are children who were born after my exile so they don’t even know who I am beyond a false Princess. They’ve lost who was likely their best leader since Manus, and now they either turn to Samuel and hope for mercy, or they look to an uncertain young girl who was raised to be a maid for her own half-brother. The only other time I’ve spoken to even a fraction of this amount of people was at the Duke’s charity event when I announced I was still alive, but I had Octavius Tyrian with me at that time. My closest supporter and friend on the Noble front, and he’s not here right now...”

“Hey” her father figure called to her to earn her attention “you’re going to do wonderfully. Breathe in,” he himself inhaling, Emma mimicking him “breathe out,” both of them exhaling “You’ve got this.”

The short moment the two shared was something they tended to do when they were younger. Any time young little Emma had been panicking or upset for reasons related to her disabilities, Umbir would come to her aid. Getting to his knees in front of her, a gentle hand cupping her cheek, another holding her arm or hand. Speaking to her, calling out the nickname she had given her, and getting her attention before working through the process with her.

Both remembered this in the moment, taking one more to hug each other with a single arm.

“Thank you, Papa.”

“You’re welcome, Lil’ Filly. Take some time to think over your words, and when you’re ready, you’ve got the microphone.” His hand patted at her shoulder, leaving it a second after to step over by the Captains to chat with them a bit.

Now on her own among the group, Emma stepped over to the railing of the walkway. Both hands coming to rest atop it, headset in hand. She could feel so many people looking up to her in the moment. It actually surprised her a fair bit just how many people filled the lower section of the room. Combining the number she could guess was present to those in the one hallway she had her eye act up in, she was sure it was a minimum hundred people. The fact there was even more though, that actually got her nerves acting up some.

Still, even with the nerves present within her, she set her mind to attempt to piece together some collection of words. Something she thought would be fitting for a new leader to say to those she’d watch other. She couldn’t really come up with anything all that fast, it was definitely going to take a minute or so at least. Stepping back from the railing, she backed herself to the wall behind her to rest against that instead. Hoping that clearing her sight of the multitude of people below would help her think.

The Gaia siblings glanced over to the thinking Qilin for a second after seeing her form move as it did to the wall behind. Peri, out of the corner of her eye, noticing Melo looking to the Royal as well with some worry present in her gaze. A flick of her tail off to the side getting her attention, after which the Komodo mouthed “Just give her some time”, receiving a nod in understanding. Watching the Guard then turn to join Umbir and the two Captains for the time being. The two of them, however, moved to the corner at the top of the staircase that lead up to the catwalk which they stood on. Further from the rest of the group and a tad more private for them to talk without interrupting their friend.

Remembering back to her time at the Duke’s charity event and the speech she gave there, some ideas did come to mind. Though really thinking them over, the ideas she had back then were meant for high-society people that could’ve provided support for her. This time it was a bunch of people who were scared and unsure of what their future held for them. People who looked to her for some sense of comfort or safety. Two very different things, very different wordings needed.

Working her mind to think of some sort of answer, her eyes lowered to look to the headset her aura covered with each pulse of it. Taking in a lip to nibble at it as she thought, and her tail beginning to swat gently against the wall behind her.

A few minutes actually ended up passing as Emma had her mind hard at work. Not noticing the people having moved around her, her mind having tuned out their voices to focus her own inner vocals. Having switched which side of her lip was being nibbled on every couple seconds, at one point bringing both in and just pressing them together. By now, she felt like she had a couple points she wanted to get across, but there was a lack of proper wording to use to get them out. It was actually a little stressful being unable to piece together words like she was needing to.

Suddenly feeling a hand to her shoulder, the Qilin nearly jumped as her attention was forced back to the world beyond her mind. Blinking a couple times over, uncovered eye glanced about. Noting Roy absent from Peri’s side to her left, Melo standing in front of her and just a little toward the right, then Umbir leaning against the wall beside her with the aura forms of the two Captains and the Gaia Brother standing some distance away.

“Emma?” The woman before her calling her name, getting her eyes turning to her pale yellow aura again. “You alright?”

“Yeah... Yeah, I’m fine, I just... I know what I want to tell them, but I’ve not been able to think of words I should use to get those messages across...”

“Why not wing it then?” The extremely familiar of Umbir’s voice spoke up, earning her attention immediately. “Some of the better speeches that Manus or Cres ever gave were mostly just them going out and talking.”

“I don’t know if I should be inspired hearing that my biological father, who was apparently a Tyrant most of his reign, had good speeches because he just ‘winged them’...” A doubtful response from Emma’s end at his idea.

“I’m not saying you should be, Emma. I’m never going to tell you to be inspired by anything Manus ever did with how horrible a man he was. What I am saying is that you don’t necessarily need to plan out every last word that you say. Just take what you’ve got, figure out how to word it all as you do.” His shoulders rising a little during the end of his sentence. Relaxing just a second later.

Emma had her head nodding for a short bit as she thought over the idea. It would work, she had the somewhat vague idea of what she wanted to say in mind and she knew what exact points she wanted to make known. Winging it would likely be her best option over all wouldn’t it?

Some bit of her was feeling a little more sure of herself when thinking of taking the plunge that would begin her role as Queen. Of making her voice present for the Ventian people to hear. 

She was still a little nervous, yes, but that was her worry that she’d be treated the way she was while leaving Ventus all those years ago. Plenty of the refugees were undoubtedly old enough to remember that day, some possibly having even been among the people whom had spit disgust her direction. as well.

Yet. really taking a second to think of it, there wasn’t exactly a reason for her to think of that... To think such a thing would be unavoidable. Especially not with how everything had been just days ago. At least she hoped that after what had happened it wouldn’t be that way...

“Y-Yeah... I think I can do this. Just give me another minute.” She could see the pale yellow head nodding in understanding. The woman then stepping away to lean over the railing of the catwalk and look to the people below. Something becoming clear to the Royal in this moment, Melo had a tail. A long tail with a rounded end that unfurled from ‘round the Guard’s waist to curl beside her leg.

Emma was a little surprised she hadn’t been able to notice the extra appendage on Melo before, but thinking over it for a second, she figured that she had kept it wrapped ‘round her waist till now. She’d have to ask what sub-species of Faunus the Knight is later. Too many things were much more important right now.

Thankfully it didn’t take much longer till she felt she was more ready to be able to do what she needed. Taking a deep breath, she moved herself away from the wall and stepped closer to the railing. Once more, she could feel the eyes of the people below fixing to her. Swallowing down the nerves that rose from the sense that most all of them were turning their eyes to her, she lifted the headset in her hands, fixing it atop her head and fitting the two sides so they felt right on her. One more breath, and with her hand rising to feel for the switch, she pushed it across it’s spot, and with a gentle click beside her ear, the microphone was now available.

A chime suddenly rang out in the room, three notes in a rising tone. The echo from beyond the room making it clear to her that this was, in fact, going across the ship. Bringing her hands to hold at the railing, she took one more breath.

“P-People of Ventus.” She could hear her own voice repeating, a somewhat electrical tone to it. “I am Emma Smoke Khromatos, Daughter of Manus Aescae Khromatos and Aligar Kaj. Due to my birth mother, Aligar, dying shortly after I was born, I was raised as a maid to the royal family under the name Smoke Kaj by the maid named Harley Nara. A woman who I assume a good sum of you know as she was a kind, wonderful woman that would frequently venture to the market along the main road for supplies. I would often be present with her, a young, scared little girl who rarely spoke when around people I didn’t know.”

She had to pause a second to breathe and calm herself, recalling her past having brought up various emotions which she hadn’t exactly expected. The breath she took to calm herself being just barely heard across the speaker system of the ship.

“Eventually... as I grew older, my Faunus trait began showing more and more. Thankfully with the maid outfit being as long as it was, it hid my tail for a long while. Though after a particular fall that I took, Queen Cress saw it. This ended up giving away my true identity. That I was a child of her King born out of wedlock. Angered by this, she ordered that I be exiled. That night I stole a weapon that was to be given to my half-brother Samuel the next week. Having been his training partner for a while under the watchful eye of Sir Umbir Dew, I had experience with the kind of weapon it was. I disguised it as a walking stick, and the next day I had it with me when I was escorted out of the Kingdom to the Solitas mainland to wander on my own.

One thing lead to another, I found myself on a boat to Sanus, and I traveled to Vale. Meeting with a teacher from the Hunter Academy of Vale, I expressed a wish I had developed during my travels to be able to keep other people safe during their own travels, as I had been helped by Hunters and Huntreses myself at various points on my own journey. Thankfully after displaying my capabilities with the Scythe and what little I could control of my Semblance, he was able to help me enroll in Beacon. I had to tell the headmaster my true name and my story, but he felt I had potential, so he let me in.

By the time I was one of the students and placed into a team fittingly called Team Empress, word had spread that a Princess had been exiled, and eventually killed by a Grimm. With the assistance of the son of a Noble family that supported me even back when word first got out of my situation, I was able to get in touch with some other members of Noble blood, eventually even being invited to a charity event held by the Duke of Coste. At this event, I spoke to settle the rumors of my death, and set word to be spread around that I still lived.

As Lady Melo Grove has revealed to me, Queen Cress had been trying to discover if I was still alive for a while before the Charity event. Wanting to contact me and try to welcome me back to Ventus with open arms to try and repair our relationship. I’m unsure, but she may have even been wanting to accept me as a proper member of the Royal family and an heir to the throne should Samuel have not been fit for it. 

However, at it was soon after I attended the Charity event that the attack on Vale happened. Beacon Academy was swarmed by Grimm, some of Atlas’ technology went haywire and starting attacking students and civilians, and the Cross Continental Transmit System tower of Vale was destroyed. Communications were hindered across all Remnant because of this, and Cres was unable to contact me in any easy way like she might have been with the CCT system up. Instead, she decided to get in touch with some of the Noble families based in Sanus who supported me. One such pair of Noble families was the Baron and Baroness of Montai, and the Duke of Coste.

A couple months back, after you arrived in Sanus aboard the NeverCondor, Umbir dew came to find me, and alongside a close friend of mine, Octavius of the Tyrian family, he showed us video footage of the meeting that Cress had with the three Nobles. I could only hear it, but what I heard made it clear that the Queen wanted the best for me. Asking the Montais and the Duke to take care of and support me in her place should she die before she’s able to meet with me and fix things between us....

Sadly... neither her request or her wishes could possibly be fulfilled... Just as their meeting was ending, a cloaked woman was let into the Quartz Stage by guards loyal to Samuel. This woman rendered the fully armored Umbir Dew incapacitated, killed the Duke of Coste and the Montais, and after my Half Brother took the crown and left the building, she killed Queen Cres as well. 

The sounds of gunfire and screams could be heard as background noise as Umbir began to recover control of his suit, and his body in turn. After retrieving the Necklace from around Cres’ neck and pocketing it, Umbir rushed outside, and the sound of raging flames and explosions became clear... The rest of this story you all know already.” 

Once more she’d pause, feeling a lump in her throat remembering how she handled everything when it was revealed to her that such tragedy had happened to her home.

“Now... when he came to me, Umbir left the Queen’s necklace with me and for some time I avoided wearing it. He told me that I needed to come talk to all of you... To give you some sort of hope by becoming the next Queen and leading you through this difficult time.... But I was unable to bring myself to do so, I was scared, doubtful, and felt I couldn’t possibly fill in the space left by the late Queen Cres... So I never came.

I left all of you scared, unsure of what the future held for you, and those emotions grew more and more each day. Growing to the point it drew the attention of Grimm. Too much Grimm for the NeverCondor to have been able to handle without help. At the time, Umbir called for me, for my team and any others I could get to help.

Initially, me and my teammate and friend Peri Gaia intended to call more people to help us confront the Grimm Horde which was assaulting the Airship. But something happened. 

I’m unsure how many of you know, but I was born blind. I am blind. Though at a point in my life, my aura began changing and adapting, interacting with my eyes in a way that removed it’s protective nature as a sort of default, and instead let me perceive auras. Right now, as I look at everyone in this room, I see you as a vast array of wonderful colors. Reds, blues, greens, yellows, even a couple more uncommon ones like grays and metallic shades. 

Back when I arrived, what happened to me was something that happened once before, but I saw what I can only explain to be a ghost. An aura figure that didn’t belong to any living physical body. One of a ghastly white color. Last time I had encountered it, I entered into it’s embrace and I felt at peace. Like everything was right in the world. Though it also distracted me enough for an Ursa to find me, which proceeded to hit me into a tree, injuring my head and damaging my left eye further than it already was.

Seeing the ghostly aura again, I knew something would happen if I went to it. I was unsure whether it would be something good or if it would be bad, but I had to know. , With some help from a crew member that I’m told goes by the name of Sprig, I was able to get to the figure and once again feel it’s touch. The odd aura was calming, pleasant, and for a short time it felt there wasn’t any horde surrounding me. Yet in it’s embrace, something happened this time that didn’t before. 

The being spoke to me. It’s words... I couldn’t understand them at all. Yet even still, there was some sense of understanding that came as I listened to it. I came to know what I had to do to help with the Horde, to have some confidence that I could lead you, and to know it’s identity. As crazy as it sounds... I’m not entirely sure of it myself, but I’m sure the name that it put into my mind was that of our first Queen. Of Giulia Khromatos. I’m unsure why Giulia came to me or how it’s even possible, but she was there, and even though she’s absent right now, I know she’s here watching over us.

Using the knowledge Giulia gave me, what seemed to be based on an experience she herself had with the Ventian People of her time, I was able to come up with an idea that would hopefully work to fend off enough of the horde. With a Dust Crystal in hand and Giulia’s help, I was able to use the Dust to stagger the Grimm horde, and my Semblance at a much stronger state than I have ever been able to in my time as a Huntress. The combination allowed me to successfully fend off what Grimm were more of a threat, block a large sum of the horde from being able to get to the NeverCondor should those closer to the ship be destroyed. 

Though I do have to give thanks for my friend and teammate Peri Gaia and the man who’s been my Father Figure for my entire life, Umbir Dew. Without the two of them, there were multiple points during the encounter where I very well could’ve died. A couple where they almost did themselves”

Turning to look back to the Komodo and the Armored man one after the other, the two both shrugged after glancing to one another and stepping forward to her sides. Emma herself looking between the two before focusing to the crowd again. A smile now present.

“Without Peri and Umbir, my effort in settling the rumors of my death would’ve turned out to be for nothing.” She could hear Peri chuckling, thus making her laugh a little alongside her. Not really even caring it would be broadcast through the entire ship. Though she did calm herself a couple seconds later.

“After what happened two days ago, I ended up losing consciousness due to severe lack of aura. According to Umbir, I was out for a full twenty-four hours. Over this time, the NeverCondor’s crew was able to clear out as much Grimm as they needed to have the time necessary for them to launch and take to the skies safely. To get all of you to safety. But this is only temporary... 

If I were to have left the instant I could instead of coming here to talk to all of you, it would’ve set the cycle in motion all over again. You would feel that same fear, despair, anxiety, and uncertainty still, possibly even worse, and eventually Grimm would’ve come again. The next time would’ve likely been worse, so much so than what this time was. 

But it’s because I know that and because of the faith that I’ve received from the people beside me right now, and because of the kindness of a little boy among you who welcomed the idea of me as your Queen so easily that I stayed. That I am right here, right now, speaking as I am, and addressing every single refugee. What I am about to say, I may sound unsure of myself, but that’s not because of how I’m feeling right now or because of you. It’s because of doubts I had harbored all my life and the fact that, just like all of you, I am scared to step into this unknown territory.”

Pausing, Emma took a deep, audible breath to ready herself physically, mentally and emotionally for what she was about to say. A part of her unable to believe she was taking this step, that with all the negativity that had filled her whenever she thought of herself as a ruler, she was about to set herself to such a role. There was actually a want to hesitate, to stop right now and just run, but she knew she couldn’t. She had to do this.

“I, Emma Smoke Khromatos, twelfth generation of the Khromatos lineage, will not hide any longer. Starting today, I will take upon myself the role of Queen of Ventus. As shaky as the road ahead may be with having to learn and adapt, to the best of my ability I will lead you all to a future where we can return to Ventus and free it of the legacy of tyranny which Samuel continues in his fathers stead. It may take some time to get there, but I promise you, I will get us there. I just need your faith and your trust.”

The intercom system would fall silent for a short bit. Emma quieting herself hoping for some kind of reaction from the crowd. She could feel eyes leaving  her and hear voices down below. For a few seconds she was feeling unsure of whether or not what she said was right. If the words she used didn’t work and the Ventian people wouldn’t support her. She could feel her tail curling ‘round her leg as worry began to settle in.

But then she heard something, cheering and clapping, all so faint from the hallway she and the others entered the room from. The quiet applaud soon growing louder while still muffled. Louder again, the opposite side now, just another second passing before the very room she was currently in began cheering up to her. Some merely clapping, others shouting words of support and positivity.

It actually took Emma by surprise a little bit to know they were accepting her. That after all of her self-doubting, people were able to believe the would be able to lead them. Finding herself choking up some just from the realization that so many people believed she could do what she was so sure she couldn’t for so long. The impact of the moment hitting her hard enough she could’ve sworn she couldn’t breathe.

Before she was able to say or do any more, she could feel a pressure against the side of the headset. Soon discovering it was Umbir shutting the headset off. Turning her head to him, she could see his hands raising with the aura-filled pendant necklace hanging between them. Moving it closer to her to set it ‘round her neck as his aura glowed bright with happiness. 

Moving to hug him, Emma felt his arms quickly return the embrace and his voice speaking one simple line that sent tears rolling down her cheeks..

“I’m proud of you.”

[anxirinrin]

Rant-everyone is so fucking dramatic in this house and im fcking tired

Everytime i do one minor mistake everyone blows shit up out of proportion and im so annoyed. Like i really got scolded because i didnt hear knocking on the door bc i close my bedroom door when im in it?? "If something happens to mum you wont hear it it's so dangerous omggg" yeah right if that is a genuine concern shouldnt we all sleep in the same bedroom ya know i could choke in the middle of the night 💀💀( and like are going to act like yall never left me outside bc yall couldnt hear me knocking??? Or like when yall left the house before i came back from so i had to either wait in the building or outside???)

Or like that one time 2 yrs ago i got screamed at bc i tend to forgot fresh yeast in my backpack when i come back from grocery shopping after uni. Apparently forgetting yeast that costs 0.50€ in my bag makes me an "immature girl who has no consciousness of the reality of life".

But personal favorite will forever be the "i need some milk one". Sister went to buy groceries and came back with three huge super heavy bags in her car at the end of the afternoon + a pack of 6x1L bottles of milk and water (6×1,L both packs are heavy asf). Sister lifts one bag home and leaves 2 other bags in the car so we could bring them together once im here. 11pm im home and sisters tired, keeps post-poning the time we're going to the car so i go to the car on my own and take the two grocery FCKING HEAVY bags and lift them home. Bags were so heavy bringing milk or water (~1kg each) was out of the question. My mum and sister were planning to fast the day after so they had to take their breakfast in the middle of the night (like basically they had to stop eating around 4 pm). I wasnt fasting so i was sleeping and suddenly someone knocks angrily and i literally jump out of sleep when i hear screaming behind the door at 3 fcking AM in the goddamn morning. Mum barges in my room and start screaming "remember when you brought the groceries??? you didnt bring the milk did you? What the hell am i supposed to eat for breakfast then??? You know i have allergies milk and coffee is the only i can take for WHy didnt you bring it??? You all ALWAYS think about yourselves and never about my well being. Is that so hard not being egoistical" like girl chill tf. She then demanded i go put some shoes and take the milk from the car in the middle of the fcking night which i ended up doing half asleep and still completely shook by the situation. I saw my sister on the way who was completely awake and to this day im still baffled that she just could have proposed to bring the milk herself (since she was wide awake) and not let the situation escalate on its own (bc im pretty sure my mum got herself worked for at least 30min to be this angry) to the point it got.

And im so annoyed because all these unimportant micro-situations are always used to prove that i am childish, immature and not fit to be an adult when there are really not that big. And im not letting two grown ass women who got scammed 700€ once bc they rent a place in a convention where they were supposed to be the only cale makers and ended up with 6 other competitors bc they never even signed any kind of contract get all fancy with le for no reason

[thesedamnthoughtsofmine]

1/19/18

I want to drop out. I have no where to live next year. I have no one to live with. If I live by myself, I will surely fucking kill myself. So my best bet is to move back home and just say fuck it. I literally cannot manage this. My only close real friends are in kentucky and the other wants distance and we just broke up. so life is great. and I’m just so fucking lonely and miserable. and this in between stage is so god damn confusing. like, we are broken up, but still love each other and want to be together. and sometimes he wants to talk and others he ignores me half the day. and i’m just so god damn confused. I have done my healthy coping skills. You bet i’v been googling shit to help me and nothing is helping. because this situation is just too unique. I feel like death. I just want to be with my love so bad. I just want to embrace him and tell him i love him. Right now, he says he is miserable. I just want him to be okay. I don’t want him to suffer. but hell, i’m suffering and he’s been able to set boundaries. He’s the one who said he sucked at boundaries.  but now that were broken up i’m the one having issues with boundaries. when we were together, i was good with them. I was able to do it. thats why im so annoyed because now, it just feels like I can’t do them anymore.

And i’m so annoyed ebcause I’m doing all the coping skills. I’m doing them and resisting the negative ones, but NOTHING IS FUCKING HELPING. I have combatted so many impulses. I want drugs. I want to overdose. I don’t want to be alive anymore because feeling this miserable should be god damn illegal. I hate it. and during the week, it’s fine. because i’m busy with school. but this weekend is horse shit because i’m so used to being with him. and now he’s not here and we arent talking really. an d this is all stupid. its not. but feelings all these things suck. I don’t know how to cope. I feel like I have no peace of mind. Even when i’m doing things to distract, it’s all still there. I cant get away. like my emotions need to fuck off for a good one. He has things to escape with and i’m so jealous. His video games let him not feel. He can respress emotions easier than i can. I cannot repress as hard as i try.. I want something to escape for fucks sake. I just dont want to feel anymore. 

The problem is, he wants to be with me. So we aren’t together rn. So we aren’t dating, but I can’t move on either. I can’t work on getting over him because we are planning on getting back together. I don’t want him out of my life. at all. so all of this is just hard. i don’t know what to do. I want to try not talking to him for a day. I just feel like he holds all of the control. I feel like he gets to decide whether ot talk to me or not and he can control impulses to talk to me. but i have no willpower not to message him. I do everything in my power to not message him, but its so hard. and I dont want to block him or stop talking completely, but i have no idea how to cope with this. I just dont want to feel anymore. I’m tired of feeling. I ahve googled how i can sleep for 2 days straight. I just don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to consciously deal with my emotions anymore. I’m so fucking tired of it. and no one gets it. they keep saying well you have to balance feeling them and using distractions. like okay. that’s what i’m doing. I let myself feel them and when it gets to be too much, i distract. well try. distractions haven’t helped. I still feel everything. so nothing is working. so nothing that is healthy is working anymore. I’m trying soo freaking hard not to do anything stupid or do anything bad, but I feel so helpless and hopeless. Like i’m running out of options. I feel like i’m running out of options. Just stuck. 

i jsut want help. Everything sucks right now. I need help. I need something. I need comfort. Mary sucks ass. so does christa. at least christa listens. mary just ignores everything. and then gets mad at me. and i try and ask for help to distract. and they just turn me down. I have no one close to reach out to, especially in a winter storm.  I feel so trapped. i feel like no one gives a damn about me other than rachel. i want to die. I need support. I need help. I feel so alone. I’m doing my best here. I am trying so fucking hard. The past week has been miserable for me. It has been complete hell. Maybe I should just isolate from everyone. i have nothing going for me right now anyway. I’m trapped in my own apartment with brick walls for roommates, and my best friends who live too far away and wants nothing to do with me currently. I’m trying so hard. I really am. I don’t know what else to do. I really am so lost right now. I need some relief. Gosh, i should just say fuck it. like who cares. genuinely. everything is meaningless. We are all gonna die. It just doesn’t fucking matter. i feel like I have no future anymore. 

God, my BPD is kicking my ass these past couple of days. I feel like everything is meaningless and nothing matters at all. I want to die so bad. I truly do. I jsut don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m so tired. If  had something to keep me completely busy 24/7, i’d be fine. but i have nothing. Nothing that can keep my attention. school won’t be until tuesday. I jsut want school. I just want to be in class. I just dont want to be here anymore. god, please. i want to die so bad. 

[rant-394-blog]

I keep saying its been a while and every time it gets longer. Also have a bad habit of not saying when it is. I know the last time was around chicago. Just for reference, it’s myrtle beach right now. 

I’ve been thinking about you a lot. We watched rogue one tonight and the music wasn’t as good. You’ve made me see the world differently since I met you. I still love you but its in my own weird special way of loving people. I love you differently than anyone else but thats because I love everyone differently than anyone else. I love you and jordan and autum and michelle and my brother and I love you all in your own ways. But I know what other people think about love so i will oblige: no, I do not love you “like that.” (but remember, that’s not how i see it, just how i know everyone else does.) 

So for all intents and purposes of this post, I don’t love you anymore. Fine. 

But I need to figure out exactly what i do feel about you. You’ve changed me. I always think of inviting you wherever i go, I think my choir’s accompanist lookes like dana scully, and the music in rogue one sounds bad. But i don’t take you on those trips because its not right anymore. I don’t send you pictures of the pianist and i don’t tell you i watched rogue one again. I don’t know how i got so lucky with new york because that trip was still perfect. i still wouldn’t have wanted to share it with anyone else i know. and i wish i could bring you and autum to myrtle beach but that’s the key isn’t it, its you and autum, not you and me or you and me and my parents, god forbid. 

But what does that even mean? Maybe thats where i need a therapist. I know how i feel about that kind of thing but i don’t know what it means. anyway. the other thing i know about how i feel is that you fucked me up. well, that’s the only way i can describe it, its not that you did anything wrong its just the way our friendship fell apart has made me so much worse off. again, it’s not your fault. but like, my level of self consciousness in friendships has risen so much, and by association, my anxiety. I think its gonna be damn near impossible for me to ever be myself around or let myself be loved by anyone, ever. How can I ever be sure if they really like me? why would i ever even think that anyone would? I don’t deserve that. being around you and watching this weird thing live has made me realize things about myself that are even worse than i originally thought. That should be good for me, but the problem is the awareness hasn’t kept me from doing and being those bad things. 

There are three things and they are simultaneous:

1. I understand why you don’t love me (in any of my definitions).

2. I wouldn’t either, and i understand why.

3. I knew this even when i told you, because it doesn’t make it hurt less or make me not want it, even if i shouldn’t. Hey, we’re all sinners, right?

So i guess what I'm saying is you didn’t hurt me, but being around you has made me hurt myself. And it’s my fault because its me causing the problems, its the way i am. I really think i’ve checked all the bases at this point, i’ve hit that spot where you hate yourself as much as it’s physically possible to. 

It would suck if even now i was doing one of the things i hate about myself- being self-centered by talking about me this entire post, but it’s okay because you’ll never actually see this. Talking to you gives me something to focus my thoughts and energy into. Because there was something else i wanted to write about and it was being an honest person. I want to define it in a way that most people wouldn’t and maybe isn’t the “correct” way. Because by all legal definitions, yeah, I'm not an honest person, i know it and i don’t ever try to pretend i am, and a key part of that is that i don’t care. But in some different ways i actually am. Because i don’t ever *want* to have to hide anything. I do so because of the consequences of the secrets i have. Today at the boardwalk i wanted nothing more than to look at the bowls and bongs and other stuff like that and pick one or two out. And i wouldn’t have any doubts about sharing that if it didn’t have consequences. Which is why I've told everyone i’m gay except my parents, and why i’m almost more likely to tell my other family before them. Because they are the ones who carry the consequences. 

So the difference between an honest or not honest person, in this definition, is whether they want to share parts of themselves but for some reason they can't, or they truly do not want to share and be open. Another key difference between these definitions: neither one of those is bad or immoral. Its just different. So being “honest” by my fake definition, i wish i could share with you everything i just wrote. and most importantly i wish you would do the same, and tell me how you actually feel. but you wouldn’t, so then my anxiety would increase by the second, and also i’d ruin it with you and i’m still not ready to let go of you even though i know you don’t want me, because i seem to get addicted to people who don’t want me, but maybe that’s because nobody does. probably. definitely. When i look at madison clark or other people who have relationships where you can just see and feel how much they both love each other, it just feels un fucking real because never in a million years can i picture myself ever being loved that way, but cruelly its all i want. It is all i fucking want in this world is to love a girl who loves me back just as much and we would hold each other and take on the world together but what fucking sucks is that that is physically impossible for me. its impossible and i am going to be one of these forever alone people that grows old and everybody looks at her and feels pity for her because she never found love and they wonder why but thats because they don’t know her, if they did they would know why. And the hardest part about that destiny is that i can’t just accept it and be happy with it. I can realize that its true and write about it, but i still have so much hope. It’s like a false pregnancy. I want that love so badly that i can almost feel it; i can almost feel her in my arms and her cool breath on my skin and her weight on my body and her eyes looking into mine, and its so un fucking fair that i had to be made this way. Im one of these trapped people because i desire the things I'm not made for. Im made to be the person that hangs around to make others appreciate their friends and family who aren't me. I’m annoying and they wish i wasn’t there but maybe they wouldn’t know what they have if i wasn’t. And the fact that i know this but i can’t change it means I'm sentient about who i am and if this soul was in some body and some brain that wasn’t mine, she would have the love she wants and thats really sad. 

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)