#is bad. i dont have good words to describe how i think forcing someone to be your child for millenia is bad.

[majorshatterandhare]

[ID: two screencaps of tags from dark mode

First Image: tags from ×-caliber reading “#guys it's called UNRELIABLE NARRATING all caps: unreliable narrating] # shes NOT [all caps: not] evil #jonny just views her in a certain light" Second Image: tags from ceaseless-ramblerand x-caliber.

Tags from ceaseless-rambler read "#this is such a hard fucking poll because do you love her or hate her' the answer is YES [all caps: yes] #she's great but the fucking morality switch destroys me every time i think about it because. morality switch. what the fuck. #but also. gestures wildly in her direction. you understand? #doctor carmilla #the mechanisms."

Tags from x-caliber read '#prev has a great elaboration actually #bevause i answered thinking only about the unreliable narration that made people think she's evil #but i didn't actually think as far about her ACTIONS [all caps: actions] #now i do think that she had good intentions with the morality switch #that doesn't make it any less fucked up however"

End ID]

Okay in regards to this poll I'm going to do some Doc Carmilla analysis because I don't like having back and forth conversations in tags. This is long, I couldn't really find a way to cut it down

The biggest thing that fucks me up about her is Brian's morality switch. The concept of a morality switch at all is horrifying to me, taking that control away from someone. Brian's about page on the mechanisms website says the reasoning was because Doctor Carmilla found it "amusing" which. Makes me hate it even more. @x-ca1iber pointed out the fact that Jonny is an unreliable narrator, which is a good point. However, I doubt Jonny wrote everyone's bio and I don't think either morality mode would really let Brian lie about it, lying is wrong and I can't come up with ends that would justify it. Brian could be wrong about reasoning, of course, but I'm not sure why he would be. Because a lot of that second half is speculation, *please* let me know if there's anything to agree or disagree with any of it.

The two other things that make me not willing to chalk all of anti-Doctor Carmilla sentiment up to unreliable narration and character misinterpretation are the end of this video and near the end of Lashings. The first video shows Jonny cut the music and, sounding somewhat frantic, ask Carmilla what she's going to do about being thrown out the airlock. When she doesn't respond, he backs away and accuses her of planning something. This is something that isn't attributable to unreliable narration because the premise there isn't that it's a retelling but an actual event occurring. Also, the way Jonny is on edge, expecting her to do something but not knowing what/when and having to just kind of act like it's fine really makes me read it as a bad relationship for him. The end of the Lashings performance shows Nastya stressed about various other things and Doctor Carmilla coming up behind her and hugging her. Nastya visibly tenses and remains as such for the entire interaction. I've seen people argue that this was due to the aforementioned various other things, and it could very much be that! This is definitely my least compelling piece of evidence. But it's worth noting that Doctor Carmilla doesn't back off from the hug and remains sort of in Nastya's face until Nastya steps away. The situation is either Nastya being generally uncomfortable with physical contact at that moment (or in general) and Carmilla not caring, or Nastya being distrustful of her in general. Either way doesn't reflect well on their relationship.

None of this is to say that I think she's trying to cause them harm. She does see them as her kids, in her own way. The only other close relationship she had that I'm aware of is Lorelai (please let me know if you have any more information on this! I'm always open to corrections) and that wasn't exactly healthy. She could very well not know any other way to treat them, and I really do think she meant well. The problem with meaning well is that is doesn't change the ramifications of your actions. The best of intentions don't change the fact that you hurt people. This is, in my opinion, especially prominent in parental figures, which she is.

That is all about her as a person, though. As a character? She's fantastic. Trans lesbian vampire scientist with dubious ethics? Great!!! And all of the things I just talked about that make me dislike her as a person make me love her as a character. That disparity is what makes it really hard to answer the poll I linked at the beginning, because holy fuck morality switch but I love her as a character

Tags that inspired this under the cut

[reneesghostinthelivingroom]

Hello! How are you? Hope you're doing good. I was wondering if I could request a Poly!Pastics x reader where the reader is a HUGE people pleaser and R does everything for everyone and it got so bad to where R stayed awake for three weeks straight to have time to make everyone happy. The girls have enough and force force their girlfriend to sleep and not stress over other people?

Sorry if it's too much or top specific.

Whats One More?||

|| Poly!plastics x fem!reader

(i myself am poly!)

|| Warnings: swearing, super long, Reader's absolutely exhausted, Regina being Regina, comfort (i dont think there's too many, if i missed something lmk)

|| Summary: Reader keeps helping out everyone to the point where it begins to effect her sleep schedule. Ms. Norbury notices and brings it to the attention of the plastics, who comfort Reader and get Reader to sleep.

Requests open!

Started: April 20th

Finished: April 21st

~~~

To say you were a people pleaser would be an understatement. You weren't sure if there was a better word to describe it, maybe... doormat? You couldn't say no to save your life. It was a genuine problem that often spiralled beyond your control. Well, you could control it. If you just said no. But that was mean. You hated the thought of anyone hating you, so you worked overtime to make sure that never happened.

Today was no different.

"Hey, Y/N! Wait up!" Shane Omen yelled your name from across the hall as you stood at your locker, making you internally groan. You didn't like Shane but you never showed it. You forced out a smile as you looked at him.

"What's up, Shane?" You asked, keeping your tone your signature calm one. As opposed to the internal screaming that was going on in your head. Why couldn't he just leave you alone? You had been having an amazing day before he showed up.

"Mind doing my homework for me? I'm just so busy this week that I have no time for it. Oh, and my buddies too. I'll pay ya." He smirked at you, clearly trying to use whatever charm he could muster. This wasn't the first time it's happened. His friend had walked up next to him, holding a large stack of papers up to his chest which you could only assume was the entirety of Shane's friend groups overdo homework.

You held back a sigh.

"Yeah. When do you need it done by?" You asked. Reluctantly. You hated the thought of doing all that extra work, but then again you hated the thought of someone hating you more than you hated the idea of doing the homework. So you'd do it. On top of your own you already had to do, plus you had promised Karen you'd help her out with hers.

"This Friday." He replied, gesturing for his friend to give you the work. Which he did. He practically shoved it into you.

The sudden weight added to your binders almost made you stumble, this Friday? It was fucking Wednesday. That gave you two nights. Shit, you'd have to pull all nighters in order to get this done, your own work, AND help Karen. Maybe Karen should come first, since she was her girlfriend. Restart.

Karen, your own work, and Shane's shit. That's the order you gathered in your head. You could help Karen out tonight, get your own work done after and get it all done in one session so you could focus the rest of the day tomorrow on Shane's stuff. Yeah, that could work.

"Yeah... I got it. You don't have to pay." You smiled at him, he gave your shoulder a playful nudge. Sure, the money for your time would be nice. But you hated the thought of taking someone's money. Even if it was Shane Omen's.

"You're amazing, Y/N!" Shane and his buddy walked off, high fiving each other and clasping their hands together with a smirk. You rolled your eyes and readjusted the papers and your binder with your knee. Sighing at the sight of the stack you now held.

Finale bell went, showing the end of the day. Which you were grateful for.

You moved the papers and binders to one side so you could hold it with a single arm comfortably. Then opened your locker with your now free hand, holding your knee up to keep the papers from slipping. Grimacing slightly at your awkward option as you pulled your bag from your locker, stumbling back as the bag came out. Though your balance was caught by Gretchen, who gave you a soft smile and held you as you gathered your footing. Slinging the bag on your shoulder then holding the papers with both arms again.

"Thanks, baby." You smiled at your girlfriend, Karen quickly came up behind her and smiled at you.

"Y/N!" She gave you a quick hug, you kissed Karen's cheek since your hands were too full to hug her back.

Gretchen looked at all the stuff in your arms and raised an eyebrow," What's all that?"

"Shane's stuff. He needed some extra help." You explain briefly, not giving too many details. Gretchen narrowed her eyes at that. You were helping Shane? Shane Omen? Why?

She was going to ask more, when Karen suddenly frowned and interrupted.

"You're still helping me tonight, right?"

"No yeah, yeah of course! Come over to mine when Regina drops us off, okay?" You assure her, feeling a little bad for making her think you wouldn't be able to help her too. Even if it was an accident. As for Regina dropping you off, she pretty much always takes you to and from school along with Karen & Gretchen.

Karen smiles gratefully at you and pulls you in for a kiss, you happily kiss her back and Gretchen takes a photo of the two of you.

"That's so cute! It's going on our shared insta." Gretchen says with a little squeal, opening insta on her phone and going to the shared account you all have access to. She posts the photo with the caption: look at these cuties 🥺💕

You break the kiss and smile at Gretchen, your group text then goes off with a text from Regina.

|| Regina: where the hell are all of you?? I'll leave you here if you dont hurry your asses.

There's a pause before another text comes in.

|| Regina: YOU BETTER NOT BE MAKING OUT WITHOUT ME

You laughed when you read that one, Gretchen giggled too and you glanced at Karen with an innocent grin.

"She must've seen the photo." You say with a laugh, the girls nod their heads in agreement and the three of you head to Regina's jeep. You didn't want to keep her waiting longer than you already have.

At the jeep, Karen and Gretchen got in the back while you took your usual seat in the front next to Regina. Who was already looking at you expectantly.

"Just a sec," You tell her, attempting to stuff your binders and additional papers into your bag so they didn't blow away when Regina drove. Considering her jeep had no doors, something you found awfully inconvenient.

Regina groans and rolls her eyes," Ugh. Why do you have so much extra papers anyway?"

"Helping Shane." You reply, part of you had wanted to lie because you knew Regina wouldn't like the answer. But if she found out about the lie (and she always does) that would've made things way worse.

Regina looked offended," What? Seriously? Why the fuck?"

"He asked and I couldn't say no.." You admit in a mumble, making Regina narrow her eyes at you.

"You gotta work on that. Seriously, Y/N." Regina says, you finally get everything to fit in your bag before you looked at her with a frown.

"You know, Regina's right Y/N." Gretchen pipes up, leaning forward and resting her arm on Regina's back seat as she looks at you with a concerned gaze." You take on way too much from other people."

"But they'll get mad if I say no." You respond, turning your gaze to Gretchen for a moment.

"So? Fuck them, let them get mad." Regina shrugged and grabbed your chin, making you look at her before kissing you roughly. Your eyes widened at the suddenness of it but you melted into the kiss. She broke it off and wiped your bottom lip with her thumb, smirking at you," You owed me a kiss."

You blushed deeply and she laughed at your reaction, shaking her head and starting up her car.

"You're too easy. But fuck, Y/N. You gotta stop letting people walk all over you. You're not a fucking doormat." Regina's words may have been harsh, but they were the truth. You did need to stop letting people walk all over you.

~~~

But maybe not today. It was now Monday. You had managed to get everything done for Friday, much to your own sacrifice. You haven't slept a wink since Tuesday night before everything happened. And you were starting to feel it. Sure you could have slept on the weekend, but your girls dragged you around to house parties both Saturday night and Sunday night. You stayed sober to keep an eye on them and be the designated driver and you probably could have slept when you got them home, but you wanted to make sure nothing happened throughout the night. So you've been awake for almost a week straight. It was hell.

Today you had Chess Club, an extra curricular club you had chosen. You managed to get your girlfriends to agree to let you do it, Gretchen had put up a bit of an argument but when she saw how good you were at the game she let it slide.

You sat in your usual spot at the library, a chess board in front of you as played off against your best friend; Flow Scotts (short for Florence). You guys had met when you joined Chess Club, having been paired together day one. The two of you were a pretty even match and would face off against each other frequently, which built the friendship between the two of you.

You studied the board as you rubbed one of your eyes, plotting your next move while trying to stay awake. She already had you in check with her bishop, so you moved your own bishop to block hers. With the Queen defending the bishop it was a solid move, if she decided to take your piece blocking your King you could safely take hers with your Queen. sorry to the non-chess nerds who aren't going to really understand my rambles here.

Flow made a huff sound and you laughed, smiling at her when someone comes to sit next to your table. You didn't recognize him, so you assumed he must've been new to the Club as he watched your game with an interest only Chess Club members seemed to have in their eyes.

Flow blinks and looks up from the board, getting distracted from whatever strategy she had been forming in her head." Can we help you?"

"Oh! Hi! Um, Mr. Rapp told me I could come join you guys here. And like observe and maybe play winner. I'm James." He introduces himself, you and Flow glanced at each other and you shrugged.

"Alright. This is Flow, I'm-" He stops you with a smile.

"Y/N. I know, everyone knows. You're dating the plastics." James says, you sighed. You hated when people called them that. They were so much more than 'the plastics' behind closed doors.

"Right." You nodded your head.

"Also, I'm still sort of new to Chess and Mr. Rapp said that one of you could help me out with like extra chess lessons after school?" James continued on, you glanced at Flow.

"I have soccer practice after soccer today." Flow looks back at you. Flow didn't play soccer, she clearly just didn't want to tutor him.

"Yeah, okay. I'll do it. Meet here five minutes after the bell." You tell James, who gives you a grateful smile.

You had a test you had wanted to study for after school and a project you had wanted to use the school lab computers for, but now you were stuck tutoring James. You figured you could just pull another all nighter to get the work done. What's one more?

~~

Well, one more turned into many more. It's been a total of three weeks since you last had a decent, solid sleep and it was really affecting your grades. People just kept asking things of you and you couldn't tell them no. It was bad.

Ms. Norbury was the first to notice your grades dropping, as your grades in math were pretty solid. They weren't mathletes worthy but they weren't completely low either. You averaged a 75%, which had now dropped down to 68% with your lack of sleep and focus in class.

You were currently in math, which was your fourth period. Trying desperately to pay attention and not fall asleep. Though at one point you droop so low your head hits the table, startling you into a more upright position as people stared at you in confusion. Ms. Norbury narrowed her eyes, sleeping in class wasn't like you. She was sure something was wrong.

"Okay, everybody take 5." She says, people get up and head out while she walks over to you.

"Y/N? Everything alright?"

"Just tired." You tell her in a mumble, you weren't a mumbler.

"Honey, when was the last time you slept?" She asked, crouching down in front of your desk to get a better look at you. She frowned as she saw the dark circles and the very evident exhaustion.

You simply shrugged, to you her voice felt far and distant so you had to put all your remaining energy into hearing her. You couldn't remember the last time you had a good sleep. You knew it had been a while ago, though. All your days just felt as though they had blended together.

That concerned Ms. Norbury further, she debated if she should just send you home at this rate. After all it was just fourth period and she was sure you'd have people in other classes who could get the work you missed.

"Come on, Y/N. How about we call one of your parents and have them come get you?" She said softly, knowing a good sleep at home would be what you needed.

When you heard that you shook your head, you knew your parents wouldn't come get you. Even if you had been throwing up they'd tell you to tough it out.

"They wouldn't.." You say in a mumble, Ms. Norbury frowns at that and tries to think of a plan B. She knew the various cliques and which students hung out with who, so she knew you were close with the plastics. The question was which one would be come get you? Little did she know any one of them would do it in a heartbeat.

She sighed quietly to herself and stood up," Alright, just wait here." She tells you before heading to the class phone and giving someone a call. You weren't sure who.

About five minutes pass before Gretchen comes running into the room, when she saw you she paused and looked at Ms. Norbury. They seemed to have some silent conversation, no. Their mouths were moving. You just couldn't focus enough to hear what they were saying.

You slumped back in your seat and your eyes started to close, exhaustion catching up to you when you felt hands on your shoulders and looked to see Gretchen watching you with worry all over her face.

Gretchen had known that something was wrong. She knew it from the start, but every time she tried to talk about it with you you would just say 'tired' and nothing else so she gave up pressing you on it. She knew she should have tried harder to get the information out of you.

Even Regina had tried too at one point, she noticed when you weren't fully present in a conversation she was having with you. You just kept replying with 'mhm' 'uh huh' and so she tested it by saying 'I dont know what to wear to school tomorrow, think I should go topless?' you replied with a simple 'yepper' and that basically confirmed for her that you weren't listening. So, when she asked what was wrong after getting your attention, you just replied 'tired' to her too. She didn't think to press further.

"Y/N, are you listening?" Gretchen asked, a frown on her lips after she had snapped her fingers to get your attention. You blinked and looked at her.

"Huh?" You didn't realize she had been trying to talk with you.

"I'm taking you to Regina's, Ms. George will come get us." Ms. George was your backup. If one of you needed to go home for whatever reason or just wanted to skip and relax, she always said that she would come get you girls," I texted the groupchat and told them what was going on. They're on their way over, just hang tight. Okay?"

You nodded and not too long after all three were standing before you, Ms. Norbury was back at her desk. Letting you girls have your space.

"You look exhausted." Karen points out. Leave it to Karen to point out the obvious.

Regina narrows her eyes at her and sighs before looking back at you, resting her hand to your cheek and rubbing it gently with her thumb. You lean in a little closer to her touch," Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"Busy." You reply, unable to gather enough energy to say more. The three exchanged looks.

"Busy with what?" Regina replied, she knew you had your Chess Club, tutoring Karen, and your own work on top of that but she didn't think that was enough to get you this tired.

"Helping people." You explain, talking simply again. She groaned at that. That's what caused this?

"Baby, I thought I told you to say no?" Regina takes her hand off you, you feel the warmth leave and you almost slump forward on your desk. You'd been using her hand as support. Her hands rest on her hips as Gretchen catches you and keeps you up, giving your forehead a soft kiss.

"Mean." You respond.

"Excuse me?" Regina looked offended, thinking you had called her mean. You shook your head and desperately looked at Gretchen to translate.

Gretchen tensed, racking her brain to think of what you meant," Did you mean saying 'no' was mean?"

You nodded.

"That's not mean. You can always say no, that's what Gretchen says to me all the time." Karen pipes up, Gretchen gives her a soft look and nods in agreement.

"Y/N/N, you're allowed to have boundaries." Gretchen tells you," is it really worth it if it's doing this to you?"

You were going to respond but there was a knock at the door, you glanced at it and saw Flow there.

"Hey, Y/N. I would've texted but I was walking by here anyway, you coming to Chess tonight?" She asked.

Regina scoffed and folded her arms," Absolutely not. Fuck off."

"Regina, language!" Ms. Norbury narrowed her eyes at the blonde who rolled her own.

Flow tensed at Regina's harshness and looked at you. Gretchen scrambles a response.

"What Regina meant is that Y/N is just super tired, she's going home to rest tonight. Right, baby?" Gretchen looked at you. Expecting you to agree.

Regina looked at you with a look that was basically commanding you to tell Flow 'no'. You hated it.

"Resting tonight..." You grumbled, continuing to speak in simple terms.

Flow's gaze shifted to concern but she nodded her head," okay.. let me know how you're doing later, alright?" She left after that.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Regina kept her gaze on you.

"Awful." You shook your head, disagreeing with her which makes her scoff.

Soon enough, Ms. George comes and picks all three of you up. Bringing you to their place. You were brought to Regina's bed by your girlfriends, who all snuggled up with you in bed. Gretchen on your right, Karen on the left and Regina on top. You easily fell asleep once Regina started giving your neck soft, soothing kisses. Your girls stayed close to you.

You slept for a solid 24 hours and some.

[star-girl69]

Because Of You

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!AphroditeCabin!Reader

—-

synopsis: years after your rite of passage, the boy who’s heart you broke just won’t leave you alone. clarisse, your girlfriend, quickly decides she’s not a fan.

a/n: should i stop procrastinating and then forcing myself to write shitty fics quickly? probably. but not today!! this is kinda just like an au of dont delete the kisses but… you guessed it… IDC!!!!!!!! from this ask

thank you all so much for patiently waiting i love y’all soooooo muuccchhhhhh 🫶🫶💋 as i mentioned on my acc i have the next week off from school, pls expect more content then!!

Because Of You - Lana Del Rey (Unreleased)

warnings: NOT PROOFREAD, this sucks so bad y’all sorry lolllll, y/n is a year round camper!, starts out very background heavy but i really don’t care 😭, creepy men UGH, ugly bitches not being able to let shit go, im gonna say sexual harassment just incase, swearing, usual demigod stuff y’all know what you’re getting into, jealous!clarisse YESSS, possessive!clarisse ik i screamed!!, protective!clarisse too, slightly graphic makeout scene, i think that’s all, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

When you were young, you were thrilled by the thought of love.

The idea of belonging not only with someone- bodies fitting together like puzzles pieces- but belonging to someone- wrapping around you like a warm blanket.

Later, your half-siblings would describe mostly similar experiences to yours- an overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, needed. Ever since you ran into camp with a monster hot on your heels and satyr shouting encouragement next to you- everyone’s stared at you. They poke and prod, they act like they’ve never seen a daughter of Aphrodite before.

It’s annoying, but it makes you feel good- but not quite.

Until Alek came along.

You were both 13, you still believed in soulmates, and you wanted nothing more than to be with each other for the rest of your lives.

You were 13, and he felt like the only one for you.

And when you had to break up with him to fulfill your rite of passage- it felt like the world was ending. You cried for days and begged your sister Phoebe to say it wasn’t a true, it was just a mean, mean prank.

But she couldn’t tell you that, and there were more types of love that romantic.

While you longed to hold someone, to be held- you also craved your mother’s approval like you were starving. You wanted her love, you wanted her to visit you in your dreams, you wanted gifts from her, you wanted everything and anything she could give you.

So, it hurt like you had never known hurt before, but you did it. Alek seemed entirely indifferent to it, almost ignoring you and pretending you hadn’t said it- but you felt a warmness around you, a dove flew between trees, you knew your mother was there and she approved.

Breaking up with Alek felt like the sun had exploded on top of you.

Being with Clarisse felt like the sun was wrapped around you.

—-

After Alek’s initial denial, he went through all the other stages of grief, mourned your relationship like you did, and you came out on the other side with a one-sided agreement to forget it ever happened.

Alek got stuck. Or went back. He started to believe that you were still meant to be, that much you could tell.

Until that day at the training fields when your hand slipped at archery and you almost shot Clarisse in the head- and she had glared at you so harshly while you ran over and examined her head, gushing out apologies and fretting over her.

She pushed you away, hand lingering for a second, eyes softening before she quickly looked away.

“Just… be more careful,” she had said, almost like a question, like she wasn’t sure the words were coming out of her mouth.

And, Gods, were you terrified it was all some secret plan. Make you think it was alright only to corner you in the woods and probably kill you, or something.

And when she asked the next day to teach you how to shoot a bow, you agreed with tears in your eyes, knowing of her reputation, and it took a lot of trust and a lot of swapped secrets for her to prove to you it wasn’t all some elaborate plan.

But even if her plan was to kill you the entire time, you fell in love over her fixing your stance, hands brushing as you accidentally grabbed the same arrow, stolen looks across the pavilion.

It wasn’t until a random kid bumped into you, making you fall and twist your ankle. Clarisse had this look in her eyes that was so genuine, so full of love and care for you, softly caressing your leg after she had punched the other kid in the face.

And you realize as she said you were doing great, limping while she helped you to the infirmary, that this was something.

And as much as you hated the violence being committed over you, it was the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, and the warmth in your chest was all you had ever wanted. This was what it was like to belong with someone, to someone, with her, to her.

This was what it was like to be admired. Loved. Wanted. Needed.

And when she softly told you goodbye, you had kissed the corner of her lips and thanked her- turning to walk into your cabin, ankle already feeling better thanks to the ambrosia.

She grabbed you by the wrist and turned you around, pulling you against her tightly and kissing you so harshly like she had just found the secret to the world in her lips on yours, her hands on your hips.

And when she finally pulled away, embarrassing strings of spit connecting your lips, she said she was sorry. Probably the first time she had ever said that to someone, and you smiled.

“Sorry. It’s just… once your lips were on mine, I don’t think I can ever stop. I don’t wanna stop.”

And she kissed you again and it was all you ever wanted out of this life- to love and be loved, to hold and to be held, and it was all because of her.

—-

The welcome back campfire is your favorite time of year.

It’s when the camp comes alive, when the Gods themselves seem to return to this place- even Mr. D is a bit more lively with all the pure infectious energy running through the first few days of camp. Everyone’s getting settled, classes haven’t started quite yet, and the year round campers get a much needed break.

As much as you and Clarisse wanted to keep things private, when she punches someone in the middle of the pavilion for accidentally bumping into you, it’s not hard to figure out Clarisse cares for you more than she does anyone else.

And after one of your younger siblings, Cara, a 12-year-old notorious for staying up late, saw you and Clarisse kissing that first night- it spread like wildfire.

But it was the winter, so it still felt secret, until summer rolled around and Clarisse kept getting more and more annoyed by every camper who entered the gates. She would grab at you in the middle of meals, drag you into her bed, even kiss you in public- do all these things that seemed so out of character for her, but she was a different person when she was with you.

Everyone had been looking at you oddly all night, shocked, confused, even Clarisse has cracked a genuine smile at someone who dropped their drink- squeezing your hand.

Maybe they had all heard the rumors. Maybe they didn’t believe them.

But it’s all cleared up when Clarisse leads you to the best seat, the log not too far from the fire but not too close, wrapping her arms around you and kissing your temple.

Your cheeks heat up, only because Clarisse is never this touchy in public, and never around this many people before.

All of the eyes on you feel weird- they feel so judging.

And you’re not used to that, however vain it may be.

“Everyone’s staring at us,” you mumble, shuffling closer to Clarisse so your legs are pressed together.

She leans her head against your shoulder. “‘S okay. Don’t worry about ‘em, baby.”

You huff. “Did no one ever teach them it’s rude to stare, though? Like… c’mon.”

She sighs dramatically, lifting her head from your shoulder.

“Stop fuckin’ staring,” she says. Not quiet shouting, but her voice is loud and forceful. Her voice carries weight.

And eventually, at the risk of Clarisse’s wrath, all the wandering eyes stop.

A few of Clarisse’s siblings laugh from around you, commenting that the stares were getting a bit ridiculous, everyone just grateful that you all might get a little reprieve from the overwhelming stares and whispers.

But, you still feel uneasy. Clarisse kisses your shoulder.

And while you look around at the faces very pointedly not staring at you, there’s one person who still is. You roll your eyes, open your mouth to comment on it- but your mouth quickly snaps close at the sight of Alek.

—-

You don’t mention it to Clarisse. Maybe because breaking his heart haunts you, maybe what could have been haunts you.

You try not to think of Alek or that night, you try not to think of the entire age of 13. You always knew that Alek never quite let you go. He still sort of believed that the two of you would come back together- subscribing to some abstract belief soulmates.

You don’t think about Alek. Everything you do is because of her, because of Clarisse.

Sometimes, knowing you have secret admirers makes you feel all happy, but now that Clarisse sneaks you into her cabin every night- it makes you feel weird. You really don’t want anyone except for Clarisse, the idea of even being near someone else kinda disgusts you.

But, you choose to believe that maybe he was just shocked, and he’ll get over it in a few days.

You spend your days in the summer sun with Clarisse, holding her hand on walks through the strawberry fields, still using your archery lessons to spend time together, staring at each other from across the pavilion at meals, dreaming about a future together when it gets dark and you’re forced to whisper softly.

Alek is just always lurking. Is it coincidence? Is he stalking you? Every time you’re with Clarisse, trying to enjoy a nice date, he’s there- staring at you like a lovesick puppy.

And if it wasn’t because of her, you would probably be flattered. But you have Clarisse, you’ve moved on, you’re in love and happy.

It’s the late afternoon, you’re trying to enjoy a long moment with her, breathe in the sweet smell and just feel how happy you are, know it’s because of her.

The fields are still crowded with kids who pushed off their chores until the end of the day, so you and Clarisse stay on the outskirts. Not too far into the woods that’s filled with satyrs and nymphs who have grown very hostile towards any two campers who make their way into the woods. But not too close.

You don’t even register that other people are there. You’re going on about your annoying half-brother, she’s pretending to listen intently- but it’s just enough to be here with her, and at least she’s listening to the sound of your voice. At least that brings her some comfort, and that makes you feel good.

“And then, he said-” you trail off, feeling like something’s crawling all over you, practically being able to feel the anger in the air.

“Hm, what?” Clarisse asks, snapping out of her reverie at your silence.

Alek is glaring at you, of course. It just feels so juvenile. You had received letters from him for years- ones that he didn’t sign- but you knew. He said that the two of you had so much more to give together, that a second chance was all he needed to make you forget about the rite of passage, about pleasing your mother.

Clarisse squeezes your hand, leaning closer to you.

You used to like the feeling of getting those letters, of knowing you were loved and wanted. But now, with Clarisse, because of her- it feels wrong.

She follows your eye line and Alek quickly looks away, back down at the strawberries he’s supposed to be picking.

Clarisse’s hand tightens around yours.

“Who the hell is that?” she huffs.

You suck in a breath. “Alek.”

“Al-huh?”

You smile, despite how uneasy you feel.

“Alek, Clarisse. From my rite of passage?”

“Oh,” she nods, nose scrunching ever so slightly. “The one who left you those creepy letters? Has he left anymore?”

“No, no,” you say, risking one more glance at his back- just to assure yourself. Maybe you’re just making it all up. “Not since last summer. I mean, he was staring at us the night of the bonfire too, he’s always around on all our dates- it’s just creepy, at this point.”

“Sounds like the fucker has a death wish,” she drawls. “I’d be happy to help him with it.”

You bump her shoulder with yours. “Yeah, yeah Miss Violence.”

She smiles back, but she searches her eyes and you can tell she doesn’t like what she sees.

“Hey, c’mon. I’ll kill him if he pulls some shit again.”

“Clarisse.”

“Beat him up?”

“Clarisse.”

“Physically threaten him?”

“Clar-”

She smacks her hand over your mouth. “Shhh,” she smiles. “Don’t stress. I’ll take care of it.”

“Clarisse!” you shout, laughing, but her hand is still pressed tight over your moth.

“Oh, sorry, baby, I can’t hear you!”

“Bitch,” you hiss, and she frowns.

“Mean.”

—-

Clarisse, unfortunately, is true to her word.

Alek finally leaves you a note. It’s simple, unsigned, but obviously him. You recognize his chicken scratch scrawl.

All it says is:

I miss you, we could be something

She writes him a note back, a long one- first talking about all of her accomplishments as a daughter of Ares, then detailing all the ways she’ll make him regret thinking about you.

She tells you now, whispers in her bed, she laughs and your mouth hangs open.

“Clarisse!” you gasp, scolding her with a soft hit to her shoulder.

She rolls her eyes and moves closer to you.

“What else was I supposed to do? Ignore it? You don’t know me if you think I could just ignore some random dude flirting with my girlfriend. He’s a fuckin’ weirdo, and hopefully that note will teach him somethin’.”

“I mean. I doubt it will,” you mumble after a moment.

She smiles, your heart squeezes- because her smile is so beautiful- and because Clarisse never smiles like this. It’s bloodthirsty. It’s almost inhuman. It’s Godly.

“Then I’ll have to teach him in… other terms.”

—-

Dinner this evening is slow and relaxed. It’s Friday, so you’ve all made it to the end of the first official week of camp. Chiron let’s the rules fade away tonight, cabin tables have been abandoned and everyone sits where they want.

A few Hermes kids volunteered to start a fire, Mr D is busy trying to get the new kids to sneak him some alcohol- but he’s hard pressed to find ones who haven’t already been warned not to.

The energy in the air is infectious. The promise of a late wake up tomorrow, a fun night, the feeling of the moon and the fire, warmth on your skin- it’s a recipe for lowered inhibitions, for everything to come a little easier.

Clarisse sits next to you a table in the pavilion. You’re surrounded by Silena and Beckendorf, a few Hermes kids, a few Ares kids- a big mosh of random campers squeezed together at this one table- but it works, for whatever reason.

There’s nothing like laughing at someone’s shitty joke and feeling Clarisse laugh with you, pressed close to her so you can feel her chest rumble, feel her arm squeeze around you.

“He did what?!” Silena screeches, looking at you with wide eyes.

You laugh at her shock, at the audacity of Alek.

She sneaks a quick glance at Clarisse, who seems entirely engrossed in her siblings’ arm wresting tournament at the next table over.

“Yeah,” you sigh, feeling sort of complacent with it now. It’s not like anything will change. You’re here because of her, because of Clarisse. Everything you do is because of her.

Breathing, eating, sleeping. Basic human functions and the need to survive has only strengthened with the motivation of staying alive for her.

“Anyways,” you smile. “Clarisse left him back this big, long note. All about how she’s the strongest girl at camp,” you roll your eyes, but you’re smiling too big to be anything but joking. Besides, everyone knows she’s probably right. “And then threatened him a whole bunch. So, hopefully, he’ll just get his head out of his ass and then everything will be good again.”

You breathe out at the end of your small rant, and Silena smiles sympathetically.

“Hopefully,” she echoes.

But, because of Clarisse, because of her arms around you, you don’t feel anything but peace.

—-

Of course, life is not straightforward for demigods.

At the end of the day, you’re doomed to fall in your parents footsteps- except there is no immortality for you to fall back on. You’re vain and you’re proud, just like your parents, and you step too far, jump too high, and you’re as left dust on the floor.

Even though the same path had been left out for you to repeat, doomed footsteps to follow in, you step where they stepped and expect a different end.

The night is pitch black, besides for the brilliant stars and the bright, bright moon. It makes everything feel so private and secret. It makes Clarisse relax, makes her hold you closer but looser.

It feels good to feel her arm loose around you. She’s not afraid of you disappearing, because she knows of someone dragged you away you would rise up from the waves and straight back into her, into her arms.

The Apollo kids are playing music, voices hum along, the night is on fire with the crackles and the rising smoke, on fire with the peace, the content.

It feels like nothing can hurt you here.

But you’re a demigod, and life is not that easy.

The seat next to you is abandoned, and you barely even take notice as it’s quickly filled again- but you take notice of the eyes on you, of the body leaning forward to speak softly to you.

The fact that he’s here, the fact that he blatantly didn’t listen- you suppose you could have felt some sympathy for before, craving a life that wasn’t his anymore. Living off of memories made him too hungry.

Your mouth presses into a thin line as you recognize the voice in your ear.

“Y/N, I jus’ wanna talk.”

The rest of the table has fallen silent, and you realize everyone had almost immediately taken notice of his entrance- and you could tell by the way Clarisse’s body was tense against yours- he would regret ever coming over here.

“Clarisse,” you mumble, shifting closer to her.

She hooks her head over her shoulder, shifting completely so she’s straddling the bench, pressed up against your back.

Her tone is genuinely confused.

“Are you, like, okay in the head?”

The table, previously silent with fear, now bubbles with forced laughter.

“It’s not of your business,” Alek says, staring directly into your eyes. You feel like a deer caught in headlights, just completely shocked, too scared to move like it will all become real.

Clarisse puts her hand on your forehead and floats it down across your face, and your eyes voluntarily flutter shut.

“You’re not even worthy of being looked at by her,” and you can hear the smile on her voice. She confidence seeping from her pores- you can feel it all with the way she’s protectively wrapped around you.

“Y/N,” he says again, ignoring her through gritted teeth. “I just want to talk.”

“If you say one more fuckin’ word to my girlfriend I’m gonna kill you.”

There’s no smile on her voice, no edge of a joke. Not even angry. She’s deathly calm. She’s focused, like a 20 pound weight sinking to the bottom of the sea. She cuts through whatever she has to and everything else knows to avoid her.

You don’t know why the hell Alek just can’t let the 13 year old version of you go, why he’s looking something where there’s nothing, and you’re just so done with all of this.

You open your eyes, sitting up, letting Clarisse’s arms fall around you in confusion.

“Alek,” you start, softly. “We dated for a month when we were 13. That’s all it was, that’s all it’s ever gonna be. It’s over, okay?”

“Exactly,” he breathes. “A month when we were 13- and we were that good together? We could do so much more now, I wanna show you.”

“Okay, I’m done,” you mumble, standing up.

And without you in between, Alek finally gets a good look at the daughter of war. She’s pure, streamlined muscle. Every inch of her body has been meticulously trained to kill monsters- Alek knows that killing him would be easy.

Clarisse cracks her knuckles and you almost laugh at how cinematic it is.

—-

You hum as you run the alcohol pad over her split knuckles. Clarisse likes to leave the scars like this, the small ones, let them heal on her own. Even though she winces at the feeling, you know she’ll be walking around, proudly showing off her scabs until they finally fade away. She’ll cross her fingers and hope they scar, probably.

Clarisse watches you with admiration, admiring your movements, your voice, even though you’re really not doing anything special. But, to her, everything you do is special.

“Did you see how bad his face was?” she asks, trying to remain calm, but eagerness slips into her voice.

“I did,” you laugh. “It was real bad, baby. Good job.”

She huffs, as if it’s common knowledge.

“I always do a good job, just matters what level of good I’m on. I think this was one of my best works though, huh?”

She admires her split knuckles and you roll your eyes, finally starting to put some bandaids on the clean wounds.

“You’re crazy,” you mutter.

She shrugs. “You’re the one who let me. You’re the one who loves me.”

“Yeah,” you mumble after a moment, not really wanting to lie to her, tease her right now. She smiles soft and sweet, placing her fingertips against your jawline and leaning forward.

“Did you like watching me?” she breathes, her low voice hitting you right in the stomach, breath against your lips.

You circle her biceps with your hands and run them up and down the tense muscle.

“You know I did.”

“Three months no dessert,” she smiles.

“Three months of sharing with you,” you laugh. She smiles wider before finally, mercifully, putting her lips on yours.

Everything you do is because of Clarisse. It feels so good to be close to her like this- practically in her lap- fo feel how strong she is, to know what she did for you today.

It feels so good to know she loves you.

When you pull away, trying to chase her, she dodges you and kisses your jawline, your neck, and you throw your head back and release the most unladylike sounds as she leaves hickies on your neck, seemingly determined to make them as dark as possible, as easy to see. And a lot of them.

“Jealous?” you say, biting your lip to keep in a moan.

“Just want everyone to know you’re my girl. Want everyone to know who makes you feel good, feel loved, huh?”

You stomach twists and your mind goes blank.

“Huh?” she repeats, sticking her face in your neck to breathe in and out, catching her breath. “Why you feelin’ like this, baby?”

“Because of you,” you breathe. “Because of you, Clarisse.”

—-

y/n walking around the next day looking like she got attacked by a vampire

silena trying to be happy for y’all but also concerned for your health

clarisse just being proud as hell

—-

this was small so idk if y’all picked it up but clarisse was jealous before alek even came along- jealous that there were more campers coming! like? she just doesn’t like unworthy losers looking at her girl 🙄

—-

possessive!clarisse i love you so much baby

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish @rebecca37 @saltair-and-palemoonlight @ace-spades-1

[drdemonprince]

Can you offer any (academic) writing advice for Autistics and ADHDers? You clearly write a lot and write very well and very clearly, so some insight into your process would be great. Personally, I tend to struggle with over explaining or over citing (cause I am always getting misunderstood) and that I get very fixated on not misrepresenting what my sources are saying to avoid feeling like I'm lying. All this is time consuming and makes it hard to say what I really want to say. Thanks!

Hi there! I've written an essay about a lot of this, here is the free link to read it on Medium:

Much of my writing process is inspired by the book How to Write a Lot by Paul Silvia, and it is specifically tailored to academics. The advice applies to people who write popular nonfiction or fiction just as easily, however. And he does have advice relevant to the self-editing and self-doubt you describe feeling.

The full piece gets into this more, but here are some of the stand-out tips:

Schedule a regular time to write every week and show up no matter whether you are feeling it or not.

Throw out all your magical thinking about what you "need" to be able to write. You don't need the perfect workspace, divine inspiration, the right pen, the right playlist. You just need to show up to write regularly, and do it

Editing, outlining, working with research notes, and drafting all count as "writing." Don't expect your initial drafts to be perfect or to equate writing only with getting new words on the page.

Try writing in public spaces to help get yourself in the mindset of explaining a concept to someone with a different frame of reference and type of expertise than you. Writing in a cafe or a public library can force you think and write in a more accessible way. (alternatively, you can pretend you are explaining the concept to a specific person in your life who you respect but who doesnt have all the same reference points as you -- sometimes this is called the "Grandma Test". Explain something like you are talking to your grandma.)

In addition to all this, I would add that you should read a lot of writing, both good and bad, especially work that isn't dry and academic. If all you read is journal articles, you'll write a journal article -- and most of those are hell to read, even for academics. read fiction. read bad wattsapp shipping. read substacks. read newspapers. read indulgent personal nonfiction in the cut or whatever. read reddit posts. notice what works and what doesn't. develop an ear.

and then write a lot! it took me 15 years to get good enough for anything i wrote to get noticed. you can expect to take many years to get comfortable developing your own voice, too. i dont know how far along you are, but even when you've made tremendous progress you'll only notice your flaws and feel the most turgid brain foggy moments. that doesn't mean you're failing.

also, to some extent you can embrace your citation-dense, precise manner of self-expression. we are living in a moment of maximalism and indulgent, long creative works. it's the decade of the 5 hour youtube essay and the 2 hour album. my 5,000 word essays do better than my 2,000 word ones. you should strip down unnecessary tangents and trust yourself and your reader a little more probably, but ive found that the more blatantly autistic and indulgent my writing gets the more the right people like it. a writer's flaws and their distinctive voice are kinda hard to separate. you're not for everyone!

good luck!

[coriphallus]

DA: The Veilguard Spoiler Review pt3 - Politiks

oh my little void in this world wide web, we are really in it now.

a little PSA before you read this word vomit, i am from westernmost middle east, and that will inform much of what i know about the topics i discuss. i wont know about race politics of america or the intricacies of it beyond what i can see online but as an immigrant i do have some perspective on western experience. so when i talk about heavy topics it will come from a foreign place. i do understand and admit that i cannot ignore that BW is a north american studio and that colours every theme they touch.

so there are two angles to approach this, 1st is to assess DAV on its own and 2nd is to assess it as a part of a whole and continuation of a franchise.

lets get 1st out of the way, its safely uncontroversial beyond taash's story. and eff-plays voiced my feeling verbatim on that subject more succinctly than anything i can possibly write.

2nd is very, very grim.

every DA game that came before had been interlaced with politics of its world so severely that its absence is disorienting. every game you were given the choice to change the political landscape of the countries youre playing in, for better or for worse. even the 2nd game with its vastly smaller scale sees hawke trying to navigate through their life as an immigrant, even at the games climax you are given a choice to drastically alter how this uprising will be remembered and it tells hawke that there are no half measures, they need to pick a side.

"Slavery or no, flesh is always for sale."

in my very first DAV playthrough i picked a shadow dragon elf, i didnt give her any backstory as i though being an elf in minrathous would shape her world view regardless.

first scene i got when organising my room rook pulls out the SHACKLES of a slave shes freed as she reminisces about how much good shes done, and puts them on her bedside. then proceeds to talk to a book and say "everybody looks down on elves but we were here first >:c"

(at this point i rerolled my character so i dont yet know how shadow dragon background plays out.)

at the very beginning of the game we see similar shackles and varric informs us that solas hates slavery, hes been freeing them.

when we make it to minrathous we learn that these people in neves circle have been freeing slaves.

alright so, the heavy handed deliveries aside, what purpose do all these scenes/expositions serve?

well, it makes these people look good. we know theres slavery in this part of thedas and these people are fighting against it not by any elaborate means but dont worry kitten <3.

[i had to look up the english for some of these terms so feel free to correct me if im wrong] patterson describes slavery as "one of the most extreme forms of the relation of domination, approaching the limits of total power from the viewpoint of the master, and of total powerlessness from the viewpoint of the slave". death of the soul, death of what makes one human -and for the purposes of this section- death in the eyes of state. slavery has such a long history that predates early modern colonization of africa by thousands of years. it is a staple of human history and where we have come from shapes what we are now. we can shun it, call it abhorrent but we cant pretend it never happened. theres always been people dead in the eyes of state.

heres the uncomfortable truth, there aint never been enough steel in the world to hold every hittite or mittani slave. to assume slavery is people getting abducted and put to irons is as naïve as human trafficking being a rando ruffying you and hauling you across the sea in a crate. yea, it could happen but 99% of the time its just a waste of time to physically hold someone against their will by force. and this idea makes us think its this far off thing that happened thousands of years ago by bad individuals doing very comically bad things, which is a very deliberate choice, because to depict period accurate slavery would be to portray social and economical classes, and that would be confronting how little we've changed in certain aspects.

people were born into that caste, shaped by it, worn down by it, and abused by it systematically.

in DAI Dorian says something -apparently- very controversial that i dont think this fandom has fully unpacked, and i aint gonna do that here either because im not remotely qualified. he likens the working class of south to slavery of north, theres no way to engage with this argument in any meaningful way, even as an elf, and in general people brush it off as dorians pro-slavery rhetorics.

try as DAV might to disregard, we actually did meet an ex-slave and trafficking victims on three separate occasions, and the games have set a premise already. we got to talk about their unique circumstances, and they were handled with some measure of dept. maybe you liked them, maybe you didnt, but you knew them and that makes a difference. they had agency in their own stories. a far cry from DAVs nameless faceless props for righteous gentiles to circle jerk about.

but, sure, lets tell ourselves showing them would be too gratuitous.

can you imagine how batshit insane it would look if zevran kept the belt her husband used to beat isabela with as a trinket, to display in his tent? that scene with rook disturbed me more than most anything in this entire franchise and coming from an anders supporter, thats saying something.

this is how little the writers were willing to engage with their source material. this is how little they are willing to engage with the world around them.

which makes the next blunder inevitable.

alot has been said about the absurdity of elves feeling responsible for the events of DAV, but maybe this hasnt been said enough; this is a blatant fascist rhetoric.

i will spell it out though, even though i never thought it needed to be said, the social performance of accountability indicates that the party who has done harm has benefited and continues to benefit from that harm, this is why reparations are paid, and thats what "check your priviledge" means. elves in DA have never benefited in any way from the warmongering of evanuris, they were enslaved by them.

to say that these people should feel some sort of responsibility towards what befell dwarves is a fascist rhetoric used irl to offload responsibility and divide and alienate the opposition further from eachother.

i cant tell you if this mouth piece is same everywhere but i know a few people who have clocked it immediately so im gonna assume it was obvious. and truthfully, i wouldnt even be annoyed if i thought it was intentional. genuinely, one of my favourite games is an unapologetic military propaganda whos protagonist would make ayn rand write sonnets about, and the game knows what it is. but no, i fully believe the studio tried to address the criticism they got about their lackluster handling of elves and either completely misunderstood or willfully disregarded the experiences of marginalised peoples that the games drew inspiration from.

the writing is so hollow beyond horrible dialogue that when writing an enby character whos also multicultural they didnt even notice the parallel theyve created. i know this because after an entire plotline about their struggle with binaries their story concludes with a binary decision on their culture. this just confirms to me that any dept this game has is completely accidental.

imma level with yall i dont subscribe to the belief that you need to have some type of experiences to write some type of characters and i find that "ofc a white person wrote it so..." response very tired because yea we should be allowed to expect more from white people. i too had OCs of different cultures that i wasnt very familiar with and handled poorly, but unlike me, a company can afford a consultant.

i played greedfall recently, and sure the maori tattoos were a shit decision, and im disappointed that after all the criticism they still stuck with it, and yes maybe its story was not sensitive enough but you know what? as the person whos recommended it to me said, i rather have a story who boldly engages with its own themes than one whos terrified of them. say what you will about its shortcomings but at least at the end of that game you can have an ending where the colonizers leave for good, and yes their plague is not healed but the narrative doesnt punish the natives for their isolationism. i am glad that the game allows that catharsis to its players.

DAV could have had 300 well thought-out endings and still not please everyone, but the endings they chose to include directly implicates the group theyre trying to appease and its literally just people who either want to punch or kiss solas, thats how fucking deep they think their fanbase it. not the people who wanted to end slavery, or achieve equilibrium with beings no matter how alien they are. or people who wanted to see a culture connect with its roots etc etc.

and maybe they were right, many people have been enjoying this game immensely and i am just, so fucking jealous. i wish i liked this game and enjoyed it and didnt want to tear out my hair every second i spent in treviso. i wish i wasnt seething white knuckling my sink like an insane person when a little kid wrote to crow rook that hes recruiting orphans now. i wish i had any belief in this game to read that as satire.

at least i wish i felt any form of vindication when i immediately realised this game was going to be a soulless cashgrab that unashamedly uses the name of a popular IP to push a sub-par product earlier this year, i just spend 80+ hours watching a company parade the carcass of a franchise i loved and beat it like a pinata as it continuously slapped me on the face with a botched wax figure of it.

i just feel this profound sense of sadness. i wish this game didnt exist. and no i dont feel any kind of brand loyalty, even when i actively enjoyed their work i didnt but i definitely dont now, not after 3 consecutive games that theyve delivered with more or less the same problems. as the company is today, i dont care whether bw survives or not, its been made clear time and again that the bw i liked is long gone and bw today is clearly not interested in making games for me.

even as i write this i dont feel fuelled by my anger for DAV but by the love a have for what came before. i still think the story deserved better, the fans deserved better, the people who contributed into making DA universe what it was before DAV deserved better. and, as rook told harding, our anger is justified.

but, hey. hair looks really good.

[abnormal-vacuum]

A closer look at Simon "Ghost" Riley's interpersonal guilt

1 + 2 + 3 + chapter 4 ghost/soap 1,138 words - ao3 tags: mentions/discussions of sexual assault + rape. not too graphic i dont think but tread with caution . maybe a little bit of ocd coded ghost

Simon is fairly certain he's liked the Sergeant for a long time. Maybe since the first time they met. Probably not, his hair pissed him off. But very quickly he grew much too fond of him. 

It's always been a very frustrating affair when Simon catches feelings, ever since he was little. Originally, when he was a boy, he was upset because it made him realize he was gay. It took him a long while (11 years, actually) to get over that. But as he got older—after Roba—his frustration stemmed from the fact that it would never work. He would never allow it to work. He was too fucked up to ever be in a proper relationship. He has a hard time sharing a bed due to his nightmares (or night terrors, depending on how truthful he's being in describing the reality of the situation), he's very stubborn when it comes to his routines and “odd habits”, he’s slow to trust, and has enough baggage to sink a ship. The last time he hooked up with someone was maybe seven years ago, and even then he left nearly as soon as they both finished. He hasn't simply slept in the same bed as someone in… four years, probably. And that was with Price. It was a one time thing they have yet to discuss.

This is all without taking into account Simon's distaste towards contact, especially in a sexual manner. He dislikes even being naked in front of someone due to the fact that it makes him feel vulnerable. The act of sex itself makes him feel like he’s both the victim and the aggressor. He would never call himself a rapist, but the term still weighs heavy in his chest. It pops into his head any time things get a little too heated with a man at a pub, along with images of his hands forcibly being put onto a woman. Luckily he’s long since given up on endeavors like finding a stranger to shag. He technically has assaulted women before. Three, to be exact. He doesn't remember what their faces look like. He's fairly certain he watched anywhere but in their eyes on purpose. One had brown hair and a tattoo on her inner thigh, he remembers that. She bled. He started crying, apologizing. He knows she couldn't understand him. He hopes this doesn't make him a bad person. Or maybe he does. This uncertainty is what tears him up. Sometimes he wishes someone would just grip him by the shoulders and shout at him for all the horrible things he's done. Get it out in the open, maybe some confirmation would be good, as the ambiguity of his own morality is a subject he often ponders to a self-sabotaging extent. He knows that what he did to survive under Major Vernons and Roba’s hands doesn't represent him. He would have never, under his own volition, done anything like that; but, in the end, just knowing that he caused that sort of harm to anyone… it sickens him. 

And thinking about accidentally doing something like that to Johnny… it makes him want to never touch him ever again. Most days he can't even properly have a wank because that stupid bastard's face will present itself in his formerly anonymous fantasy, then that will quickly devolve into him being concerned about him somehow forcing himself onto the sergeant. And how does one even broach this subject when speaking to someone? There’s no casual way to say “oh, yes, hello, by the way I’m very worried about somehow raping you.” He would sound like a madman, more than he already seems. 

This is all in relation to Johnny's wellbeing. If Simon was considering himself, he might have to stay at least three meters away from Soap at all times. The last time he touched Ghost (a prolonged hold on his shoulder, paired with eye contact that made Simon feel as if Johnny was trying to crawl inside his skull) his skin burned for hours. He can't imagine the pain he’d be in if they were to, god forbid, cuddle. 

Besides, he would never want to burden someone like Johnny with someone like Him. He’s a lot to handle, which is why he does most of the handling on his own. Soap is privy to maybe two percent of Simon's issues, and even then the ones he does know about are surface level. He doesn't need to know anything beyond what he can extrapolate based on Ghost's somewhat bizarre behavior. Simons moderately damaging inner reflection and self awareness has begun to present itself as a problem. He's been in his own head a lot recently-- not when it's dangerous, as he's a good enough soldier to be able to turn that off in the field and the debrief room, but it has become a small issue when he's attempting to socialize. Or, more accurately, when someone is trying to socialize with him. Frequently he finds himself sitting, or standing, just… thinking. He thinks too much. 

Johnny sometimes helps. It's like he can sense when Simon is in distress, like a damn therapy dog. Then he just stands there and goes into some swear ridden spiel that has Simon forgetting his train of thought. Sometimes he wonders if he does this on purpose, but then he deems that too conspiratorial and self indulgent to be the truth. 

He’s gone over these points time and time again in his head, all the while he's got no idea if Johnny even likes men. 

He needs to find a hobby. 

A few card games later, Ghost decides it's time to head back to his room. He says it's because he's getting tired, but really it's because he doesn't want anyone to see him leaving the Sergeants room at this hour. He isn't concerned about his reputation—he's more concerned about Johnny’s. Sleeping with your superiors is already frowned heavily upon, let alone sleeping with The Ghost. Not that they were doing that, but nobody would believe them if they tried to explain themselves. 

Simon doesn't sleep that night. He lies awake, staring at his ceiling for hours until the light starts to peek through the blinds on the small window of his quarters. He checks the clock, then peels himself out of bed and starts to get dressed. He’s running drills today. Simon hauls himself through his usual routine of getting changed, walking a few paces around his room without socks, then checking the closet once before tugging his boots on and slipping out the door. He jingles the knob once, then twice to “double check” whether it's locked. He wanders through the sparsely populated halls towards the mess. He might go to the gym after getting some grub, but he hasn't fully decided. 

[the-s1lly-corner]

If you could indulge me, can I ask for something with The Amazing Digital Circus gang, with an s/o who is seen as an anchor for the others? They are strong willed, happy go lucky, supportive, a mediator and ect. Well, could they stumble upon their s/o just having an episode, just crying in frustration and like punching a wall to calm down and go back to acting like nothing happened?

I have a thing with strong willed characters hiding their weakness for the benefit of others.

TADC cast x emotional anchor!reader !

oh ho ho you silly lil fella, you have literally just described my TADC oc down to a T, i am going to have so much fun writing this because im literally just. going to use my oc as a place holder for the reader, just without describing any lore bits unique to them and their design ngl i think i went insane with this one, tally hall music is doing something to me

CAINE:

if you thought you were good at hiding your human despair just know that caine already knows. the only reason i feel he wouldnt initially come to you in your lesser moments of weakness is that he can acknowledge that youre trying to hide this part of you. does he go comfort you, and risk making you try harder to surpress your feelings; risking you to just blow up one day and have your mental state just totally collapse in one go? would you feel put off at the knowledge that in this world you never really have full privacy? that definitely wouldnt make you feel any better. but when it gets to the point where you're screaming and crying in your room and punching the walls he would step in. drags you away from the walls, and if he has to this man will restrain you if it means making sure you stop swinging. hes seen the downfall of many people within the circus, but seeing it from someone he so deeply cares for hits a different way. he may be an AI, but he can still simulate feeling. its a harrowing sensation as he lets you cling onto him. i think he makes an effort to make in house adventures less overwhelming and intense, too scared to push you over the edge but also too scared to leave you with nothing to do to distract you. i think he would stay with you for the night, too

POMNI:

as selfish as it sounds, pomni cant help but feel.. something in her chest. seeing you, the groups beacon of light falter fills her with some kind of fear and despair that she cant put into words. it reminds her that no one is above helplessness, and that at the end of the day youre just as capable of abstracting as everyone else. i think, when she finally sees your fake demeanor finally slip when you thought you were totally alone, she feels bad. i mean shes your partner, and she didnt pick up on any hints that may have indicated your true state of health. i dont think she would try to force you to speak, as much as i want to say that she would try to push for you to talk about how you feel i think her attempts to reach out to you would fall on deaf ears. i think she would put her hand on your shoulder, making you jump back to the present moment. its an awkward gesture, with the jester herself being a little lost with these new feelings... i think you two would just sit in silence

JAX:

similar to pomni, he feels this intense and unexplainable pang at the sight of the most hopeful and brightest person in the circus crumble. ive already said it but ill say it again, its like being splashed with cold water, with how hard that sinking cold feeling hits him. makes half hearted attempts to cheer you up. its not that he doesnt care, its that hes stuck in the shock of seeing the happiest person he knows flip into... this.. for a split second he thought you were abstracting, that pit his stomach becoming colder for a second before he realizes whats going on. ive said this before as well, but jax is not the best comforter, in fact i think he might be one of the worst out of the main cast. but i think so far for the characters ive written for this post, he makes an effort to try to pull you up out of your hole. at least he lets you cry your feelings out, and he wont make you feel bad for doing so

RAGATHA:

stands there in shock like pomni, before immediately rushing to your side and tugging you away from a coat stand you were kicking and beating. hands on your shoulders she tries to snap you back to the present moment, trying to tell you that shes here. any feelings of the helplessness that she shares with the previous two characters is shoved down. this isnt about her, its about you. runs her fingers through your hair, if your digital body has any, and just. rocks you. when you finally calm down enough to be able to form clear words, she reassures you once more that shes here for you. the two of you stay in that position, holding onto one another for the entire night. i think it should be said, but for most of these theyre going to try to keep a closer eye on you and make it a point to ask you how youre feeling. ragatha especially.

KINGER:

it reminds him of queenie. the sight brings back so so so many terrible memories. for a second he doesnt even register that hes standing in the present, standing in your doorway. stuck and frozen for a solid minute before you finally notice him, and you hold each others gaze. finally, you crumble. what was the point of hiding your mounting anguish now that it was discovered by the one you care for most? at the sight of your crumpled form i think kinger would snap back, and rush to your side. he's pause, afraid that you would abstract like the queen, before forcing himself to push through that fear in the back of his mind. a moment where he is not fumbling with himself or shaking; be it because he wants to be there for you or perhaps he still holds some guilt aimed towards himself for not being able to save his old queen, he refuses to leave your side even if you tell him to leave. theres this caution in his actions, mixed with this sort of determination to make sure you're okay. like ragatha, he would make it a point to make sure you're okay long after this incident

ZOOBLE:

zooble would probably be the only one who doesnt make their presence known to you while you're in that state. not because they wont care about you, in fact they care about you a lot. but theyre so unsure of what to do, that they give to you what they would have wanted for themselves, if they were in your shoes. they want to grant you privacy, and to at least keep a shred of the now ruined façade you had been putting on for everyone. if it means keeping it will give you comfort, then they wont take that away from you. they wait outside your door, waiting for the height of your episode to pass before cracking the door open. they dont say anything about what they had just heard, but you seem to know that they know.. i mean they came in so soon after you had calmed yourself down enough.

"are you okay?" a dumb question, but what else was there for them to say? you so obviously werent okay, and you likely werent for a long time. they offer to leave, to give you some time to pick yourself back up, but they also make it clear that they wont go anywhere if you dont want to be alone. the night is tense and awkward, filled with conversation before they eventually broach the topic... i think you guys would develop some sort of secret code. i mean youve been hiding your true feelings for so long, and outwardly saying you need help would compromise that mask you put up for yourself. be it a certain sentence or arrangement of objects, you two come up with a indirect way of asking for security

GANGLE:

she feels so helpless, the most out of everyone. she tries to get your attention, but her words fall on deaf ears, if they even manage to pry themselves out of her mouth. far too weak to pull you away and keep you from hurting yourself, but too soft spoken to bark out a word to draw your attention to her. truly, she feels useless. she isnt able to capture your attention until you finally notice her. similar to kingers part, you fall. she takes an unsure step towards you, hands half raised in front of her as she debates if you want to be touched or not. she settles to sitting in front of you, just barely holding eye contact... she looks down when you tear your eyes away from her. finally finding her voice, i think she would ask if you want her to stay, or if you need anything. she tries to word it the best she can, but she lets you know that she doesnt think any less of you for your outburst. it happens to the best of us, really it does. if you want her too, she wraps herself around you and tries to soothe your shaking form

[homano222]

I don't think Coriolanus was purely evil from the start, but I think he was bigoted from a point of no turning back. Every single time he had the chance of choosing to not be violent to district people, he went the opposite way (I mean, him trying to make up a theory that Lucy Gray was actually from the Capitol all this time so he could be more at peace with being in a relationship with her? And him calling Sejanus' family by the word primitive?). He had the choice to see district people as humans and never did. He didn't love Lucy Gray neither Sejanus because they were District, he loved them despite them being District.

Personally, I interpret the comparisons and symbols you mentioned more of a reflex of whom he could've been to the ones close to him, such as Tigris for example. He could've chosen to not be ruthless to Capitol people. Yeah, he could've been better in that regard. But when it comes to District people, he was never going to be a good person. He already had complexes that came from being raised in a rich family of old money. He believed with his whole heart he was better than everyone else and that was something that neither Lucy Gray or Sejanus could change.

He was not eViL from the start, but he never was a good person. And I don't believe he ever would be.

TLDR; Coriolanus is not evil in it's pure form, but he's not far from being Panem's JD Vance lol. It's not a coincidence both Sejanus and Lucy Gray are heavily poc coded in the book, despite never being explicitly described, while he have always been said to be blonde with blue eyes.

So I ended up deleting the post you responded and putting it on a different platform instead because I didn’t think it would garner any responses. Thats on me for jumping the gun!

So I agree with your point that that he is VERY bigoted in the beginning of the ballad. I dont think thats even debatable. And honestly, while I dont think hes evil either, i dont think hes really truly good guy ever in the book; more a guy with the potential for goodness. And as someone who enjoys reading, writing, analyzing the relationship Coriolanus had with Sejanus, his bigotry CANNOT be ignored when analyzing them. And it really irks me when people just gloss over it.

That being said, I do think that could he have changed his mindset earlier on, just because I dont love the interpretation that even HE was to far gone to shake his capitol beliefs, at least in the beginning. I think it comes from the idea SC brings up about peoples inherit goodness, and how its tarnished but their environment/upbringing. As I said, he’s not good, but he has the potential to be.

I think about this question a lot, and I think it can sort of be pertained to the ballad: Are people who are born into fascist regimes inherently bad? Or are they merely regurgitating the propaganda they receive? People can unlearn anything if they wanted to, but did he?

Again, I think it stems from some research ive done into how living in a fascist society shapes one’s upbringing paired that with SC writing about how Snow’s initial beliefs are a product of his upbringing.

That being said, when your given the opportunity to truly understand the other side, and you still choose to uphold the problematic beliefs of your upbringing, then yes, you are a truly bad person.

The moment he gets to district 12, is faced with the districts suffering full force, is shown love by the covey, and even ponders if he could live out there happily…. And he still comes to the conclusions that he, a capitol boy, is superior to them inherently, oh yeah… no changing his thoughts now.

So that being said. To your point, this is one of Snow’s deepest character flaws yeah? His distaste for the districts being present from the beginning, and his refusal to change is present from the book. But I interpreted it as less of an inevitability from the beginning and more of an active choice.

TLDR;

Yes, he is very bigoted and it, in my opinion, is one of the biggest indicators of his capacity for dehumanization and villainy. I think it is a core part of who he is, but I do think he could have changed it before the conclusion he reaches in 12. He just didn’t, and that makes it so, so much worse to me. I agree with you I think I just differ slightly on how I read the execution of this flaw of his paired with the themes in the book.

[just-some-random-blogger]

Hey hannah 🥹

Can i ask from aspiring writer to best writer i’ve ever seen; what is your writing process like?

I feel like i wanna be more organized and navigate through it better so that whenever i think of writing my brain doesnt go “fuck this i dont make up stories on command” ykwim?😭

Like maybe you have a certain process or routine when it comes to writing to make it easier to navigate through it?

Love you lots 🫶🏽

HELLO LOVE!!! I want to answer this as helpfully as I can because I'm flattered you'd want to learn this from **me**

tl;dr - outlines help but isn't a requirement! run with your inspiration while you can! write what makes you happy! reading other's work will help you find your own voice! having someone read your work is a massive morale boost!

I'm gonna be completely honest with you, I mostly just go 'okay here's what I want to see, that's what I'm going to write'. I don't really have a process other than BAM GIMME THIS BRAIN. I rarely write outlines or plot points because I usually just think of something and run with it.

THAT BEING SAID. I have a series called Safe Keeping that I reaally wanted to write and i had so many ideas that i had to write them down or else I'd forget. I'm very proud of this because I actually finished it! I dont think i've ever finished a series 💀💀 and this was when I realized, hey, outlines aren't bad 🤠🤠🤣🤣 i basically just put the plot points i wanted to see.

And then there's tormented spirit, which you already know about. it's literally the longest fic I've ever written in my life ever, and i'm in awe of myself that I can continue it cos DAMN MAMA WHO ARE YOU YOU ARE A ONESHOT QUEEN. i just knew i had to write this. i wanted to build it. i just HAD to write it, so i did. One of the reasons why I can keep going is because I know where I'm going, and have known since chapter 1. Although I'd say this fic of mine is very unique because it's the first time I've had polls for it and allowed my readers to chose (💀 its not for the faint of heart, they nearly derailed my plans twice) but at the end of the day, it's night, and if i do what everyone else wants, the fic will crash and burn, so i keep doing what i do, cos it's my fic

as for 'writing on command' i totally get you. I sometimes want to write but i cant T_T no matter how i try. sometimes i force myself and im like meh sometimes i have to just make peace with the fact i cant write anything. for me, watching movies/tv shows really help, especially if it's really good or really bad HAAHAHH if it's mid im usually like meh... lol.

also, i started I was like 11????? and i was fucking shit at it, and yet for some reason, I was like???? i'm really good actually???? HAHAHAH i don't know why???? HAHHAH maybe it was because I just genuinely just loved what I was writing because I was writing for me, and maybe it was because I would read so many fics, but none of them had the plot that *I* wanted. Maybe it was that.

I'm having a crisis because looking back, I was just showing my friends my 1d fics (you can see THE 1d fic i have if you like HASKLFHAHSF edit: IM SOBBING IM READING CHAPTER 3 AND IM DEADDDDD not me wondering why not more people read my work T_T HAHAHHHAHAH) that I wrote on my notebook and giggling with them and then I would post them and no one would read them but I'd keep posting them anyway. MY POINT IS, YOU HAVE TO JUST KEEP WRITING YOU KNOW!!!!! YOURE NOT GONNA GET BETTER IF YOU DONT DO ANYTHING! i have a teacher that taught me to use the word skill over talent because talent is connotated to be innate and honey i wasnt born good at writing daemon angst.

As for any technical advise, all my years reading made me realize that i am 100% a dialogue girlie. the more dialogue and the less non dialogue i can put the better. I find action sequences a bit difficult, so i've learned to be more forgiving to myself and just condense those and let my audience imagine it. at the same time, i've read so many fics that just describe things so beautifully and i so badly want to be a writer like that but i dont think i am tbh so i just do what i think feels best for me

lastly, as i've mentioned on your post before, having someone read your work and encourage you is incredible. i have a few moots i shout at and chuck my work to only because we've become friends. how? well i read their work and fawned so hard they adopted me <3. i also just really love reacting to people's work in general. i also love sharing my work with people i love online moots or otherwise, so even when i dont get a comment on a fic, i'm like hey my bestie said it was nice to my face, so its all good. don't be disheartened if comments don't come. it doesnt take away from your work at all <3. feel free to tag me in your work btw!!! i have your jace fic in my internal to read list.

also everyones process is different. if you need more structure, do it. if you want to be free, do it.

[mrmethadone]

Ofdrykkja interview 2014 (c9h13ns other band and now goes by pessimisten for thoughs who dont know)

1. When and how were you formed? 

Drabbad: In autumn 2011. I was contacted by Obehag from Apati's page on MySpace, he wanted some help with getting Subutex and pills. Back then, I was - and I still am - living at an institution for the mentally ill, after an incident with Bödeln, and I had lost most contacts. So I couldn't help him, and when I replied his mail, C9H13N (Pessimisten) replied and told me Obehag had recently died. Somehow we started speaking about his band Apati and my old band Lepra, and after some months speaking, we decided to start a band. I contacted my old friend and brother The Associate and told him to join. He's a great musician and we have played together in the past, and known each other since childhood. Pessimisten contacted his old friend Arkomann who also joined, and after a while I also recruited my friend Bödeln who stole a drum-set right away. Me and Pessimisten chose the name Ofdrykkja, and so the band was formed. 

2. What band inspired you to make the kind of music that you do today? 

Drabbad: For me, personally, it's the old Norwegian black metal scene, with bands like Burzum, Ulver, Dödheimsgard, Mysticum and Mayhem. Even if we don't play black metal, this is my source of inspiration. Associate: Me and Drabbad have had our different black metal projects together for the last 15 years. Source of inspiration has always been the depressive black metal you could find during the mid 90's, when we started making music together (for example Burzum and Ved buens). I have broadened my inspiration register along the years, and I'm no longer as bound to a band or genre as before. Instead I'm attracted to and inspired by any dark or sad tones, no matter where they're from. 

Bödeln: For me it's DSBM, a genre I assume we all listen to. But also ambiance and other kinds of black metal. I'm also listening to bands unrelated to DSBM. 

3. How does the creation process look like? 

The Associate: Some kind of melancholic mood tends to help, and is almost necessary for the music not to feel completely forced. I also tend to compose alone with benzodiazepines, sometimes in combination with speed. Benzo makes you really creative. 

Drabbad: For lyrics, it's during the night I get my inspiration and ideas, and I write a few sentences from which I later make lyrics out of. What I write about is kinda dark things such as mental illness, homelessness, drugs, alcohol, misanthropy and hate against society. 

Bödeln: The Associate kind of writes all the music, and the recordings of the drums haven't really been as planned. We are all kinda free to write lyrics. I have rarely had any bad critics about what I've seen or heard. 

4. Describe your sound for those who haven't yet listened to you. 

Drabbad: It's depressive rock music with influences from black metal. The lyrics are poetic and personally I take some inspiration from Grioa when I write. We use speech in some songs and also clean vocals. We've found our own style which we feel comfortable with. The music is kinda easy to listen to, and depressive. 

5. Most bands usually have an annoying fuck who wish to control, in other words a band leader. Do you have a Hitler in the band? 

Drabbad: Hahaha! Pessimisten... yeah, if someone's a Hitler, it's him. He can say a song or a riff just completely sucks. Haha, but we never fight in, we go with democracy. We others thinks it's good he says what he thinks. I prefer that than some ass licker who agrees on everything and lies about what he thinks. We all go along well together, even though we all suffer from different mental illnesses. 

Pessimisten: Haha! I'm definitely our Hitler! I'm really a perfectionist and can't be easy to deal with all the time. But no one has more to say than anyone else in the band, and if we all disagree about something - we'll just vote. We never had any fights. The rest of the band members are really easy to deal with, and we mostly share the same view on things and are satisfied with the music we make. 

Bödeln: I don't think we have any Adolf at all, but I can feel it's sad I haven't been able to contribute much in the creation process. 

6. Tell us a bit about the purpose of your music! 

Drabbad: A part of the purpose is to enlighten people about the dark side of society. The mentally sick addicts who many people don't know. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I turned myself away from society. We aren't normal, we are affected. We do not function socially, and we fail to fit into society. We want to show you the asocial and sometimes depraved reality of ours. Personally, I'm pro suicide and I don't care if people die. 

Bödeln: I find it important to share my view of social exclusion and mental illness, in my lyrics. My purpose has so far been to play drums and contribute with lyrics about the life I live.

7. The video for 'Västerås' is nice and original, how important is the visual aspect for you? 

The Associate: What's important is that what we portray feels honest and right. If it ends up like shit, we can still rely on that we did what felt right for us. Of course everyone wants to public beautiful things, so it's an important aspect. What's difficult is to find your own touch to it, and I can now think that the 'Västerås' video is a bit out of Ofdrykkja's style, yet it has a message I still feel for. My idea to the concept with a stray dog in focus came after a conversation with Drabbad, when he described the situation when he was homeless. I can also relate to this distanced relation to what is seen as normal, but in a whole different level than someone with a home. 

The fact that the video was shot around the worthless ugly concrete which was built during the 60's includes some kind of love-hate relationship. 

Bödeln: Visual parts are good for the listeners. There is an unwritten rule that you can't have pretentious videos within black metal. I think that's sad, because I love videos in which people have put a lot of time and money, as long as there's a message and something mystical about it. 

8. We visited Västerås during a festival and afterwards we were forced to wait for hours before the night bus would arrive, and we don't feel like returning. How do you experience Västerås? You don't seem very happy about the place? 

Pessimisten: Västerås used to be a kinda big industrial town, some decades ago, but most of it has now been shut down, and the town consists of offsprings from the lower working class. There's nothing about this place that would make anyone want to go here. It was once called "powder city", and sure, amphetamine is still consumed a lot here on our grey streets, but quality is something that belongs from the past. These days it's more known as "MDPV city". No one is happy about this place. 

9. Not every city gets a bad nickname like that, but how comes Västerås is called MDPV city? Except the general dissatisfaction. Is it because you consume unusual amounts of MDPV in Västerås, or is the town unusually psychosis inducing compared to other cities you have had personal experience of? 

Pessimisten: Lately it has gotten better, but one or two years ago MDPV was consumed a lot, and it was mixed with amphetamine (you can mix out the amphetamine a lot and just add a tiny bit of MDPV to make it strong again). It really sucks when you expect an amphetamine rush and instead you get a psychosis. 

Bödeln: There are drugs in every city, small or big. I can't tell if there are more drugs in Västerås than in other cities. Here in Hudiksvall/Gävle we have a wide spread addiction of mostly amphetamine, prescribed opiates and benzo. Not much heroin, though. It's easier to see the addiction in smaller towns, than it is in bigger ones.

 10. Which band would you preferably do a split with? 

Drabbad: Ved Buens Ende, while they existed, or todays Virus would have been nice to have a split with. Abyssic hate as well. It would have been a big difference in music styles though. 

Pessimisten: If disbanded bands counts, I would definitely say Woods of Infinity. They have self distance and a humor I like, and they make it fit well together with the dark music they make. Other bands in the scene takes themselves too seriously. 

11. Do you have enough material to release a full length or EP through a label? 

Pessimisten: Yes, actually we do, but we want to make two more songs before we see the album as completed. 

The Associate: We already have contact with a few labels and things are looking bright. 

12. Except a CD release, we would like to see a DVD release with your music videos, and which maybe also could include some exciting bonus material. What are your thought about that? 

The Associate: Yeah, we've had discussions about this matter, and it's not impossible. We do like to express ourselves in different ways and it would absolutely be a possible alternative for us, if there is interest. 

Bödeln: About music videos, there are a lot to put energy on. A lot of spaced ideas I hope to express and talk about with the members. 

13. Thanks for your time, and for doing this interview. Now we're just curious about what will happen next?

 The Associate: I thank you too! What's remaining is the recording of two more songs, and we're working on it right now. 

We are looking forward to release our first album as soon as possible.

[velvetvexations]

like i guess mostly i want to talk about things that apply more to us nonbinaries because of statistics? like how binary usually means presents as a boy or a girl ans nonbinary usually means doesn't, but if i try to talk about problems with no4 fitting into the binary at all people get really mad because nonbinary people can look and act exaxtly like binary and binary people can look and act exactly like nonbinary people basically. like you can be nonbinary and use binary pronouns and transition in a binary way, and any person you think is binary could be nonbinary even if they like i.e. inly use he/him and present masculine and have no problems being categorized with men, so it's invalidating to claim there's special nonbinary problems.

which i get, so i dont want to claim im special or different than binary people, i understand its invaldiating and transphobic and im obviously nb trans so i never wanna be transphobic. i just don't have good words to describe the problems i face because it can't be about being nonbinary or binary but the problems are things like never wanting to use binary pronouns or be categorized by a binary gender and being rally visually different than the binary on purpose, like getting dysphoria from having anything other than boobs and a beard at the same time. this stuff makes you a big target here in ways people who present and categorized themselves with binary genders don't even if theyre trans, like for example Dr's treated me worse and thought i was lying and hysterical a lot and even just didnt treat me, until i decided to start lying and calling mysslf binary trans at the drs and wearing more binary clothes and using binary pronouns. now they treat me better and i have gotten really good medical care and even a necessary surgery after years of failing to even get a diagnosis. and im not talking about hrt or gender affirming care im takking about getting a diagnosis of a long term health condition and surgery to treat it. there's other stuff like that too for example i have to pretend to be a binary trans person while trying to get government housing because when i didn't they called me insane and stuff and i wasn't allowed in any of the shelters or the housing programs. so i pretended to be binary and i could get housed with the men and apply for programs and stuff and eventually i got into subsidized housing but i just wasn't allowed when i wasn't lying about myself. if i told the truth id be kicked out which for someone who saying they were a man or a woman wasn't lying wouldn't experience even if they were also nonbinary as well as man or woman. and it would also hurt for a binary person who wants to have long hair and tits and a beard and dress fem to be forced to not do that and be totally masc and bind instead so they can be in the program so it's not about binary or nonbinary.

but i don't have good words to talk about it because it can't be related to nonbinary or binary but i feel like im hurting all the time and when i try to describe the hurt people yell at me bc it's transphobic to related it to anything about being nonbinwry or binary. so i get it but i just want WORDS to use to describe the stuff i talked about because it's a difference it's just not about the binary. i UNDERSTAND but i wish people would explain better what words to use instead and what the concepts are because they never explain they just tell me it's NOT what i said or thought it was so i know it's not that but i want someone to tell me how tot alk about what im experiencing bc it hurts so so so bad and I want to communicate the hurt without hurting anyone else or being wrong.

Heyyy, it's okay, it's alright. <3 If you've not encountered the word "exorsexism" before, a lot of people seem really happy with it.

[syscoarse]

Sysmed comes from... system, and medical.

"Oh but its inspired by-" sirs, look at me in the eyes, combining words to make 1 term that accurately describes a view isnt transphobic

Same with traumascum, it comes from trauma, and scum, yes, it IS inspired by truscum, BUT just because a term is inspired by another term, doesnt mean that people are saying "these 2 views are EXACTLY the same with no nuance"

Traumascum is saying that youre using your trauma (or someone elses) as an excuse to put down other people, spesifically that people who are against endos are using their trauma or someone elses trauma as a reason why endogenic systems should not exist

If someone calls you sysmed, its an accurate depiction, unless you are saying that you do not view systemhood as inherently medical.

If someone calls you a traumascum, maybe dont make posts along the lines of "oughh im so traumatized and endos dare exist" (even tho endos can also have a lot of trauma)

-Sincerely, a traumagenic system who doesn't force their own meaning into words they happen to not like.

coming out of hibernation to answer this dumbass ask. literally wtf are you even talking about.

the sysmed thing is whatever. sure you could argue that you're just putting words together but from the way the entire pro endo community acts like being a system is exactly like being trans it really comes off that way. dont even try to argue that pro endos arent like that i have been watching y'all do this for years. ohhhh not all endos not all pro endos shut the Fuck up you are all complicit, especially losers like you who get on anon and go into random dead blogs asks to say stupid shit like this.

also maybe dont try to tell someone who went through extensive bullying and doxxing and abuse at the hands of "transmeds" what to think about that term. LIKE Y'ALL ALSO CALL US TRAUMASCUM HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE ITS BASED ON SYSMED. unbelievable.

and traumascum?? like.. how could you even begin to justify that one. i dont care how fucking awful someone is to you it is NOT fair to make that about their trauma. go ahead and call me scum i couldnt care less but dont make it about what ive been through.

does it not make you feel bad calling someone that? do you really feel like the good guy in that situation? not only are you calling someone scum you are saying theyre scum because of their trauma And saying that all they are is what they went through. imagine someone believing that all there was to you was your trauma. that you have no worth or meaning or life outside of it, and that the trauma you went through made you scum. oof buddy like doesnt that sound bad to you??

and yeah actually its ableist And transphobic. you're just too caught up in your own cute little savior complex to even think about what you're talking about.

just because someone is saying that you need trauma to have DID doesnt mean theyre weaponizing trauma against you jfc the drama of it all. hate to burst your bubble kiddo but thats just the facts.

not actually even going to touch that last part with a ten foot pole. traumatized people are allowed to post about their trauma. we deserve and need to have space to talk about it. you should know dumbass you apparently went through it too. and just because someone posts about their trauma And syscourse doesnt mean shit like?? sorry you cant handle other survivors processing their trauma :/ thats so sad :/// maybe stay off of that part of the internet if you dont want to see that.

idgaf if you're "traumagenic" or not dont act like im the stupid one for calling shit like it is

[kasshole69]

truly, madly, deeply - 3

ALPairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader, Wanda Maximoff x Natasha Romanoff, (eventual) Natasha Romanoff x Reader, (eventual) Wanda Maximoff x Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Summary: You’d been living a good life, well as good as it could get with how full of lies it was. Why? It was the only way to get by when you were an unmated omega with an uneasy past. That's all flipped on its head when you see a matching soul mark on two certain avenger, leaving your lies to crumble right in front of your face.

A/N: yay chapter 3!!!!! this one is filled with (mostly) fluff. also this was supposed to be a little longer but i got to the point where the chapter ends and was already at like 3k words and had like 6 more things that i wanted to happen so im just gonna split it in two. i got no idea about chapter 4 but i usually write when im at work (dont question it lol) and i dont work until wednesday but we’ll see what happens. I hope you enjoy!!!!

chapter 1 chapter 2 ao3

As you wake, you notice you’re in a similar position to the previous night. Curled up next to Wanda with your head tucked under hers, her fingers combing through her hair. Instinctively you want to curl even further into her and soak up more of her delicious scent and warmth, but you stop yourself, which causes you to freeze up and alert Wanda that you are awake.

Wanda slightly pulls back from you to look you in the eyes. Your sight is slightly blurry from just waking up but you can see a smile on her lips before she says, “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

You completely pull away from her to sit up, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. When you look back at Wanda, she is sitting up as well and giving you a look. Not a bad one, instead one so filled with love and admiration that it made you want to shrink. Out of anyone in the world it shouldn’t be you that she gives that look. Not when she hardly knows you. Not when your stubbornness nearly killed you.

You look away from her and ask, “What time is it?”

“Oh! It’s 9:50, did you want me to call a nurse for breakfast?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna freshen up in the bathroom while you do that.”

“Wait,” Wanda says as she rushes to the other side of the room to grab a bag, “Lexi left this at the front desk this morning and a nurse brought it here. I think it’s some clothes and toiletries.”

“Thank you.”

Once you’re safely inside the bathroom, you first look at your reflection and it is shocking. There isn’t really a better way to describe your features other than radiant. Your skin is practically glowing, and the bags under your eyes that had been there for months were completely gone. You haven’t looked like this in, well, ever. The eye bags were thought to be permanent and your skin had never had as much color. You knew these past few months had made you look worse for wear, but your recovery process wasn’t even finished and you're looking better than you did before all this had happened. 

This once again made your thoughts spiral. Were you really that miserable? Of course, waking up this morning had been extremely comfortable and you had to stop yourself before you did anything embarrassing but it wasn’t amazing by any means, right? It’s not like you had to force the smile off your face when you saw Wanda’s, right? You hardly knew Wanda and only met her yesterday, there is no reason that you would already have started feeling something other than distrust and hatred for her. There is no reason for your face to heat up or for your stomach to flip when she smiled at you.

Before these thoughts of yours develop further, you splash your face with some water, get into something other than a hospital gown and brush your teeth. When you come out of the bathroom, you see Wanda sitting down on the bed texting someone on her phone with one hand and a cup of tea in the other. When she hears you shut the door, she looks up and gives you that smile that is so damn hard not to return and says, “Hey, breakfast should be here in a few minutes, and the doctor will come in whenever you're finished eating. I also texted Lexi that you're awake and she’s planning to come at around 1:30 to eat lunch with you.”

“Lexi? How did you get Lexi’s number?”

“Oh, well she gave it to me when I got here yesterday and told me to give her updates on you since you were asleep and without a phone.”

“Alright,” you say in a tone that couldn’t really be defined as an upset one but it certainly wasn’t a happy tone either. One less thing to look forward to apparently. Lexi had a tendency to go full maternal on you sometimes, so you knew this “lunch” was going to be more of lecture than anything.

You go and sit down on the bed next to Wanda and you barely stop yourself from leaning against her. A nurse comes in with a tray of food right after and sets it down on bedside desk. You’ve got scrambled eggs, sausage links, a fruit cup and a glass of orange juice. You look at Wanda and say, “I don’t need your help this time.”

She giggles and gets up to sit in the chair beside the bed, “If it means you’re feeling better than that’s fine with me.”

You look back down at your food and begin to eat while having these contradicting thoughts about this whole situation. Why is she being so nice? Is she not at all upset that your ignorance dragged her away from home to stay at a hospital to take care of a stranger? This isn’t a part of her actual job and there is no direct benefit to doing this, unless she considers having to spend all of her time with me a benefit. But how in hell would that be a benefit? You certainly haven’t been a joy to be around and your not recuperating any of the affection she’s given you, so why would she even care about a cold and unaffectionate nobody like you?

You are snapped out of these thoughts and look at Wanda when she asks, “Are you all done?”

Looking back down at your tray, you find all of your food has been eaten and your glass empty, “Uh, yeah I am.”

Wanda smiles at you again and takes the tray and heads out of the room. She’s comes back in and just as she sits back down in the chair a nurse comes in to do a check-up. Checking all your vitals, replacing your IV and asking your pain on a scale of 1-10. Once she is done she lets you both know that the doctor will be there shortly and just a few minutes later the doctor comes in, “Good morning Ms. L/N! How are you feeling today?”

“Fine.”

“Well, you are certainly looking a lot better. Are you still having any pain? Any prickling, throbbing or aches?”

“Nope,” you say quickly. Technically, you were lying. The pain you were feeling didn’t fall under any of those categories, but you were having cramps and you could feel a slight buzz in your head. You knew for a fact that this wasn’t from the touch deprivation, this was because you didn’t take your suppressants. While yes, you know they are bad for you and could cause a lot of problems for you down the line, they were necessary. Once you started feeling the effects of touch deprivation, it had become impossible for you to drop.

Dropping hasn’t been something you hated, but at times it was a hassle. Sure, it felt good to drop since it was basically just getting to lay in the warm arms of an alpha whilst being high as fuck.

You had gone to Brooke just for a routine dropping session and when you couldn’t drop, you just faked it. You then tried a clinic and couldn’t drop there either, you’d never had problems dropping before but you’d believed it was because you knew who your soulmates were and your subconscious didn’t want you dropping for anyone else. So you went and took suppressants. You’d been telling Brooke and Lexi that you had been just going to clinics like you did for your heats. The longest an omega was supposed to go without a drop was a month, but it was suggested at least once a week. You hadn’t dropped in months because of the suppressants, and you wanted to keep it that way.

“This is great progress that you’re making Ms. L/N. We do have to keep you here one more night, but we can discharge you tomorrow. I’d like to go through what I need for you to do once you’ve been released, okay?”

“Okay.”

“The full recovery process is a 3 step process to get you back to normal, and once you’re discharged tomorrow you will have already completed step one. We have to do something similar as weaning someone off a certain medication, in this case we basically have to wean you off of Wanda.”

Both you and Wanda’s eyes go wide at this as the doctor continues, “Once you and Wanda get home you need to keep your distance, try to keep contact to small things like hand-holding. Try to keep scenting to a minimum. I suggest still sleeping in the same bed if possible but try not to be in direct contact with each other. Keep in contact with your pediatrician for when the two of you can start the 3rd step of the process and hopefully make a full recovery.”

While this felt like a weight had been taken off your chest for you, you already knew Wanda was most likely distraught at this news. You could tell Wanda wanted to be as close to you as possible but you were relieved to hear that once you left here, you wouldn’t have to spend every second with Wanda. Hopefully that feeling wouldn’t change.

“Do either of you have any questions for me?”

Wanda speaks up this time and says, “How long does the second step of the recovery process take?”

“It varies from patient to patient, but seeing how fast Ms. L/N is recovering, I’d estimate 5-7 days.”

Wanda seems a little relieved at this and the doctor asks again, “Do you have anymore questions?”

You and Wanda both shake your heads as the doctor turns to leave just after saying, “Let one of the nurses if you two need anything. Have a good rest of your day!”

You and Wanda are left alone together when she says, “Well, we have about 2 and half hours before Lexi is supposed to be here. Is there anything you’d like to do?”

“Um, can we watch a movie?”

“Of course we can, darling.”

You could feel a blush on your face as you turned to grab the remote as Wanda sat next to you. After a few minutes of flipping through channels you chose The Sandlot.

Wanda looks intrigued at your choice and says, “I don’t think I’ve seen this one before.”

“Really? This movie is an American classic.”

“It is?”

You nod, “I think it is anyway. I remember watching this movie at least 5 separate times in school when I was growing up.”

“You watched movies in school?” Wanda asks confused.

“Not all the time. Usually it was always right before we had a break off of school. Always watched it on a box TV on a cart with a VHS.”

Wanda hums before saying, “Me and my family would watch old American sitcoms on our VHS to learn English.”

“Which ones?”

“Lots of old black and white ones. My favorite was the Dick Van Dyke show.”

You hum, nodding when you say, “Mine was I Love Lucy.”

Wanda seems taken aback when you know another show of that time and turns to look at you, “You know I Love Lucy?”

“Yeah, my mom used to use it play it whenever it was my nap time. I had complained to her that it was putting me to sleep since it was an ‘old people show’. But every time it was nap time I’d stay up and watch the entire episode and then fall asleep.”

Wanda smiled at your memory and says, “How mischievous.”

You agree and lay back, focusing on the movie. At some point during the movie you’d ended up laying your head on Wanda’s shoulder. You knew you shouldn’t have let yourself give in so easy, but it really was just so easy to lay in Wanda’s arms, especially when they make you feel so safe and warm.

Ever the early bird, Lexi had come in about 10 minutes after the movie had finished, “Y/N!!!”

You get up from Wanda’s embrace to meet Lexi half way so she can give you an absolutely bone crushing hug. You see Brooke over her shoulder and can’t help but smile when seeing their faces. Smiling and a little breathless from the hug you say, “Hey guys, I’m glad you’re both here.”

“Awe, how have you been feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Just ‘fine’? Because I’m going to be real with you, you’ve never looked better.”

“Uh, yeah I mean I just feel normal.”

“So no pain?”

You shake your head and Lexi smiles, “Great.” She looks over to Brooke and gives her some nonverbal signal because Brooke speaks up soon after.

“Hey Wanda, could I speak to you for a sec?” Jotting her head towards the door.

Your eyes widen because you know the second they leave the room Lexi is going to tear you a new one. “That’s not necessary is it? I mean we can all just stay in here.”

You look to Wanda who is now standing by the bed and give her a pleading look which she looks back at you confused.

“Cmon, Y/N, you can stand to be away from Wanda for 10 minutes,” Lexi jokes.

“That’s not-“ you try before Wanda comes up behind you and puts her hand on your lower back. Turning your head to meet her gaze, you see that look again, that look that is filled with so much love for a person she met yesterday.

“It’s okay, I’ll be right back sweetheart,” Wanda says and quickly gives you a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room.

You feel your face heat up and your mouth goes slack jawed at what she just did. Lexi laughs at your expression of embarrassed shock.

“You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”

“Shut up.”

Lexi smiles, “Uh huh, well, you know I’d love to talk about you and Wanda but I didn’t come here to talk to you about that.” Lexi takes a deep breath and says, “What the hell were you thinking? You’ve been sick for what, months? You’ve been going to the clinic regularly too, how did this even happen?”

Your eyes widen, you really don’t have an excuse for that. If you had been going to the clinic, one of the nurses probably would’ve noticed your condition, if not it certainly wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Lexi notices your expression and pushes further, “You have been going to the clinic regularly, right?”

“I-I um-“

“Are you serious?”

“I know, I know, I just couldn’t.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t?”

“I don’t know! I tried dropping with Brooke and couldn’t. Then I went to the clinic and couldn’t drop there either, so I just stopped going.”

“For how long?”

“Whenever we found out about Wanda and Natasha.”

Lexi’s eyes go comically wide, exclaiming, “How are you even alive right now?”

You don’t answer, knowing that it would be the last thing you want to say out loud but thankfully Lexi seems to get what your hinting at, “Where the hell did you get suppressants?!”

“Would you calm down? I’m fine.”

“Fine? You’re taking illegal drugs for an issue that could’ve been solved just by going to the doctors office!”

“The whole reason I took them was so I wouldn’t be in position!”

“Well what good did that do ya?!”

You put your face in your hands and feel tears start to form, saying, “None, I still ended up in the last place I wanted to be.”

Lexi let’s out a sigh and wrap you up in a hug. You hide your face in her shoulder as she rubs your back and shushes you. After a minute she pipes up and asks, “All of that, it was to avoid meeting Wanda and Natasha, right?” You nod without speaking. “Why?”

You let out a shaky sigh, “My entire life, I’ve been afraid I would have to be dependent on someone who didn’t love me, take care of me, or even treat me with respect. It’s why I’ve hid my soul marks for so long. I didn’t want to get stuck in a situation I could not control.”

“You have been with Wanda for over 24 hours now, based on your first impression, do you really think she would hurt you?”

That makes you stop and think for a moment. No, there was no point last night or earlier this morning that you felt in danger. If anything you felt safe. Wanda had done nothing to take control over the situation, to take advantage of you or hurt you, in fact she’d done more to accommodate to you. You let out a weak, “I don’t know.”

“Neither do I, but it’s not like everyone is out to get you either, especially not your soulmates. Why don’t you just give it a chance? And who knows, you might actually like her.”

You giggle at the lighthearted comment, “Yeah, maybe.”

The both of you stay like that for a few minutes longer before Lexi pulls back and says, “Let’s grab Brooke and Wanda for lunch, okay?”

“Okay.”

Lexi gives you a tissue to dry your tears and the two of you head out the door.

---------

taglist (? idk if i did this right, pls let me know if i did): @alwaysgoodnight @how-to-disappearrr

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

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is she gonna pop | m.izuku 

➳ tags ;; 18+, brat-tamer!deku agenda, unprotected sex, this is heavily focused on shibari and the fact deku is very strong, strength kink, punishment, deku calls u a fleshlight uh... fem!reader

➳ wc ;; 1.2k

➳  a/n ;; not the exact fic i wanted to post for our boyfriend / for @rat-zuki but that shit is taking much much longer than i anticipated and i wanted to post something within a reasonable time frame. consider this a bonus fic ig? 

happy late bday dekuuu 

➳  plot ;; izuku midoriya likes to let you have your way.  

shibari ref but ur hands r behind ur back. 

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He lets you. 

Sometimes, as it would be, you forget about how he lets you act. It’s something you seem to forget - get accustomed to your sweet, loving Deku. The one who puts up with your attitude and coaxes you out of your bad moods with sweet words. After all, what’s a few out of place comments from his pretty girl. What’s some attitude, some annoyance if it means he gets to be sweet on you. 

Deku likes the attitude, that’s another part of it. When you make fun of him and you get that lovely over-confident attitude about what you’ve said. When you poke and pinch and prod at him. He likes the way you prance around with a dopey little grin on your face, so pleased by how he adjusts to you. He does it on purpose because he finds your bratting cute. 

He finds you cute and endearing so he lets you. Gives you silent permission to act the way you do and sighs when you misbehave. Lets himself be weak for you, gives you the power you seem to desperately crave so he can dote on you to his hearts content. 

He lets you. Deku the hero is too smart and too no bullshit to put up with something he doesn’t like but he likes the way you act with him. He likes your unpleasantries and the way you can’t handle affection - like a misbehaved cat. He’ll love you to the ends of the earth, uncaring. 

You’re not too difficult for someone as skillful as him. Someone so patient and kind and loving. Adoring, even. 

But.. 

There are always limits - and he seldom imposes them but they exist. He’s a hero and you’re.. you. They need to exist.  When he needs you to behave, he’ll tell you. Before your events, he’ll zip up your dress and help you get everything on - a whisper in your ear. It’s simple and plain. 

He’ll say it once and he’ll remind you once, those are the rules. With a hand on the lower part of your spine, he does it without an ounce of light-heartedness. A simple command he expects you to follow. 

“Behave,” 

It’s easy. Tonight, unlike most nights, you’re expected to be on your best behavior. No teasing, no bratting - just good behavior. It’s one night. He’ll even reward you. It’s so easy. He knows you can do it. You can behave, right? 

Of course you can, just one night. You can be good. 

Right?

_ 

It’s the disappointment that always sends your stomach churning. 

You’ve only ever seen him angry a handful at times and none of those times have ever been at you. But you can see he’s angry - jaw tense. It feathers as the rope dips underneath your thighs. The scratchy material makes you squirm. It covers every expanse of skin you’ve got on. You’re bare other than thin, cotton panties that to your dismay, do a good job of displaying how you feel. 

You’re turned on but anxious, heart-beating rapidly in your throat as he patiently ties you. With your legs folded up and your arms behind your back - you’re left completely immobile and at his disposal. This alone sends you reeling, the urge to run your mouth and relieve some of your anxiety every present. 

His green eyes, normally so affection, feel cold as they look over the knots. A little sob hiccups in your chest. A hand splays on your sternum as he holds you down. 

“Don’t move,” ― he commands, voice harsh and icy ― “I don’t have the patience. Move anymore and I’ll strap you down to the bed,” 

You go stiff as a board, a hollowness in your body at the way he treats you. It occurs to you briefly that you’re so stubborn. Frustrated, you open your mouth again. The words of a clumsy apology rush out of your mouth. Tears of upset making your vision blurry. 

“‘m sorry, sorry! Don’t punish me please.. dont want you to -” 

He grabs your face with his hands and sighs, leaning down to kiss you. It’s a sweet relief, kissing him back with such urgency. He gives it to you, that sweetness, only momentarily before pulling away. That warmth is gone, replaced by only what you could describe as sharpness. 

“What was my one rule for tonight, baby? Can you repeat it for me?” 

You tug your lower lip between your teeth. 

“B-behave,” 

“And what did you do?” he asks. His grip on your jaw tightens as you pout. 

“Misbehave,” 

He nods, letting go of you. Wordlessly, he finished tying the rest of the rope around your body. He places a large hand completely over your clothed sex, thumb brushing against the wet-spot. 

“You think, after acting like that during our dinner - my birthday dinner, and making a scene in front of everyone, that you shouldn’t be punished,” 

You shiver at the sound of his voice. Baritone and exasperated - mean. Nothing like you’re used to. 

“But I didn’t mean -” 

His hand comes down harsh on your cunt. A loud noise of surprise echoes in the room as he stares at you with a hardened glare. Your clit throbs underneath your panties as you gasp, fat tears pooling at your lashes. He sighs as he tugs your panties to up.

“I didn’t ask for your input,” ― he makes a show of making your panties scrunch up between your folds, before snapping the wet fabric back onto your cunt ― “Fleshlights don’t have mouths to speak, so don’t speak unless spoken too,” 

His cock is big, thick and heavy as it rests against your pussy. He lets the head brush against your swollen bundle of nerves but that’s as much pleasure as he lets you have. Without any prep, he spits onto it unceremoniously. He has enough patience to go slow but the stretch of it burns, aches but feels good too. It curves up - drags against your aching walls. He fucks you with a bated breath.

Without letting you get adjust to his size, he’s picking you up like you weigh nothing at all. You let out a gasp with the confidence in which he holds you up. He holds you right where he wants before slamming his hips into you, cock brushing against your cervix. You feel your body go limp from pleasure, blood rushing to your head at the way he treats you. 

With his fingers dimpling into your skin, he fucks you without an ounce of concern. The room fills with the noise of his muscled hips, slamming against you. He meant what he said earlier about using you like a flesh-light. The pleasure is erratic, consistent but mean thrusts. It hits you with a bruising force as the rope struggles against your soft skin.  The force is enough to make you uneasy - but he holds you like it’s nothing. Fucks you like it’s nothing. 

It feels like hours pass, and Deku never loses his stamina. He goes again and again and again - and you feel yourself getting close after endless pounding. Overwhelmed by the strength of your impending orgasm - you choke on your words.

“C-c..umming, f-fuck,” 

You wail, loudly, as the pressure slowly falls back to nothing but aching. He shifts the weight of your body so he can spank you. He holds you up as you sob, immobile. Devastated. 

“Fleshlights, don’t cum either do they?” 

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[kagakuoniryu]

heyy! i just saw one of your newest posts, and i really like the way you write.

i have a request, but please delete this if you dont want to do it, don't force yourself.

can i ask for kaeya/diluc/zhongli* comforting a male reader who always tries to appear cheerful in front of others, but is actually very sad and lonely ? like, he always tries to cheer everyone up and make jokes despite being in pain, and when others mock him he laughs it off and cries when everyone is gone lol

again, I won't mind if you delete this ask. have a good day/night!

*you can pick one of them if it's too much

Synopsis :

Male reader tend to hide his sadness behind mask and jokes about themselves

Type :

Headcanon

Comfort

Characters :

Kaeya

Diluc

Zhongli

Warning :

A bit of kaeya backstory and no proof read for these headcanon

A/N :

Hello anon! First of all thank you for compliment! I'm sorry I took so long to write this, I've been a bit busy and didn't have much inspiration, since I was late I decided to not proof read it with a translator, I hope the grammar isn't too bad... Take care of yourself!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaeya :

Kaeya do have a mask on his own, and moments of vulnerability are rare

So if you thought you could hide behind a mask and get away with it you're wrong

Each time he saw you joking about your pain, he saw himself in you, because he does the same

He respect that you're trying to make everyone happy, but you don't have to neglect your own mental health for that

He let you be though, he know it's not easy to open up, and he refuse to force you

But one time he saw you crying, thinking that no one was around

He knew you were at the breaking point

With charming words and a honey voice he tried to coax you to open up

If you ever told him about everything you hide, feeling obligated to be happy and hide when you're upset to make other people happy he'll definitely understand

He won't say everything concerning him, he is afraid you might hate him because of his past and even present as a spy for kaenri'ah, but he will drop hint that he know how you feel, so you know that you're not alone in this

In the future, when he hear someone insulting you, even as a joke, he'll either kindly tell them it's not really nice, but if they don't understand he won't be as kind anymore and tell them that if they continue they might end up not being able to talk at all anymore

But he won't let you make jokes about yourself either

"listen pretty boy, I know you use this type of humor to cope with the sadness you feel but can't express, but know that you are someone awesome, and never ever in your life you were as bad as people or even yourself described you, at least not in my eyes"

He might even let you see him vulnerable to show you it's ok to not be ok sometimes

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diluc :

Diluc have a mask of his own, but not in the same way kaeya does

While kaeya will hide is insecurities behind flirting words and honey voices, Diluc stay stoic no matter what

It doesn't mean he don't notice how your face quirk a bit before you laugh it off when someone make a joke about you

He don't know how to approach you at first, is he supposed to be straight forward or to make allusion until you get the hint that he knew?

He tried to be subtil, when he saw you at angel's share he let slip a few word to encourage you to open up to him, he didn't wanted to force you, but when you decided to ignore it he wasn't left with many choices

So one night, when angel's share wasn't very crowded, he told you to sit at the bar in front of him

Once you were comfortable he put his hand on your shoulder, his grip firm enough for you to look right in his eyes, but not enough to hurt

"you know you don't have to pretend with me right?"

"what are you talking about Diluc? I'm not... Pretending..."

"then tell me why each time I look in your eyes the only thing I see is genuine sadness and loneliness, come on... You know I won't judge you, if you need anything, I'm here"

And so you started to talk to him about everything you felt, it was rather akward and your voice started to shake at some point, but each time you took a break to gather some air diluc was there with a fond expression on his face

When you stopped to pour your heart to him Diluc nodded before speaking again

"I'm proud of you, not many people will be brave enough to open up on these matter, and acknowledge that they feel lonely, you don't have to be lonely, or at least to be lonely alone... I'm lonely too you know, mind if we stay lonely together"

It was uncharacteristic to see diluc talk like that, but that doesn't mean it didn't make you smile

In the end, he started to look after you more, making sure you rest, and be genuinely happy in the near future

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zhongli :

Out of the three, zhongli is the only one who don't hide his sadness or pain, wether behind a charming or a stoic face

But he is old

Really... Really old

And with his age he became observant and knowledgeable

He knew almost immediately something was wrong

Wether it be a second too late to laugh at one's of Hu tao jokes, even when they meant no harm ; or even the sad look you wore each time people weren't looking

As soon as other people disappeared you seemed like all your energy evaporated

Zhobgli learned about this kind of behavior among humans, it was apparently to not alarm other about their well being or to please people

His first reflex was to go and see madame ping, she was among humans for far longer than him, she surely knew a thing or two about it

The elder woman was already the mentor of xiangling and do meet yanfei quite a lot, while one is half adepti xiangling is still human, so she is used to their emotions

Madame ping explained as simoly as she came what is happening from what zhongli told her

That's how zhongli made sure how you really felt

He didn't spoke about it though, he know better, instead he try to make you go out more, maybe having lunch together or see opera, and this time he even has his wallet on him

At the end of each one of your hangout he accompany you to your house, saying goodbye and, if he knew where he wanted to brought you next, he even asked there if you would be okay to join him

It's only when you question him about his behavior that he tell you the truth

"why I've been bringing you along with me all these times? Well, at first it was to make you happy, you seemed quite under the weather... But I enjoy your company, so even when you'll feel better I'll continue to seek you out, if that's okay with you of course? "

How to say no to such gentleman?

~I hope you'll like!~

🌸Request are open🌸

[hoonhrt]

EMBRASSE-MOI

: pairing — student! jay x tutor! reader

: genre — fluff, crack 

: song recc. — L’amour by Miel De Montagne 

: a/n — this lowkey sucks but I've been wanting to get work out so I'm sorry if this isn't the best :(( also I'm still learning french so if some of it is wrong pls lmk so i can fix it!! 

Jay was your school’s resident bad boy. blond hair, all-black outfits, cuts class and yells at kids that look his way. you know? the usual. You on the other hand were the complete opposite. straight-A student. A quiet kid who didn’t dare look the ways of Jay Park and his Clique™. So imagine the shock that was felt when the boy you avoided at all costs, walks up to you in the middle of the cafeteria asking for French lessons. 

“You want me to do what?” He rolls his eyes, tired of this conversation already. 

“Can you not hear? I’m failing French and I need to pass or else my parents won’t let me move to France.” He speaks as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“And you’re asking me why?” He rolls his eyes again for what felt like the 100th time. You’re just confused about how he even knows of your existence.

“Listen, all I know that you’re in my French class and that you pay attention, I’ll even pay you I just need to get my mark up.” You perk up to the sound of money. You don’t really need but it’s still nice to have some. Doing this will get you good Karma right? 

“Fine. Meet me at the library every Monday and Wednesday after class, got it?” Jay stares at you with annoyance. He really does not want to be wasting his senior year on stupid lessons but, here we are. He reluctantly agrees and watches you walk away, struggling to hold your books in your arms. He turns around and lets out a deep sigh, wondering if the hot chicks and fancy baguettes in France are really worth this

Minutes turned into hours as you waited for Jay to show up. You waited patiently for hours just for this kid to not show up. Annoyed, you start to pack up your books. You don’t know why you’d think someone like Jay would actually show up to a voluntary tutor session. You were just about to make your way out of the library when you see someone running towards you almost like the flash. As the figure got closer to your still body, you realize it was Jay. Now, bent over in front of you gasping for air with his tongue out like a dog. You stared at his limped-over figure with confusion and slight disgust. 

“s-s-sorry i was… late, i f-forgot about… this.” he manages to speak out with the little air he has in him. He stands up and evens out his breath. 

“what makes you think i’m gonna tutor you now? you wasted my time Park, i have a life too you know.” you snap at him. He stares at you for a brief second before letting out a hearty laugh, throwing his head back and slapping his leg. He sees your serious expression, your eyes glaring at him like an eagle and awkwardly stops laughing. 

“Look, i’m paying you and this is only gonna last for a little while. i just need to pass, that’s it.” His eyes shine with a hopeful gleam, a look that is extremely rare to see from Jay Park. He looked a little cute. You dramatically sigh and start walking into the library, Jay following behind you. 

You settle at the table you sat at prior, re-opening your book bag to pull out your notes. He just watches you do that, not making an effort to even bring out a pencil. 

“Okay, so how much french do you even know?” 

He stares into space, a little hesitant to continue. “Um, i can ask if i can go to the bathroom?” You stare at him with disbelief. You’ve been in this class with him for months and that’s all he knows. 

“THAT’S IT?” 

“Oh and i can say good morning!” you let out a loud groan that catches the attention of others around, causing them to loudly shush at you. Feeling annoyed again, you contemplate if the money was really worth it. You sigh out and start looking for your notes from the beginning of the semester. This was gonna take a LONG time. 

“... and that’s how you conjugate verbs in the past tense, aka passé composé!” You finish off the session with joy. Jay on the other hand has gone completely blank, not remembering a single word you just told him. He stares down at his notes, then at you, then back down at his notes. You can see the struggle on his face and he hasn’t said a word yet. 

“I’m never gonna pass french. This is it. I can kiss France goodbye.” he claims with despair. This already too hard for him and he barely has learned anything. He sets his head on the table and mumbles to himself about how he will never be happy if he doesn’t live his youthful 20’s in France. You sat across from him irritated with his discouraging behaviour and a little sad that you weren’t able to teach him well. Until you come up with a plan that might help him improve much quicker.  

“What if… we hang out this weekend? We can do something and we’ll only speak in French! Of course I’ll help you and all that. But like, maybe? Only if you want to of course you probably don’t wanna spend your weekend with me i dont know you know its just a plan.” you ramble on and on without stopping and Jay simply just watches you. He smirks a little before nodding. 

“How about you put your number in my phone and then I’ll text you when I’m free hm?” he slides his phone across the table towards you and eyes you typing it in. He catches a glimpse of your rose-coloured cheeks and smirks a little more. 

“Okay, uh there’s my number! Just um, text me you know, when you’re free!” you manage to stutter out. Jay just nods at you and again, watches you walk away. This time a slight smile across his face. 

A sudden notification pulls you away from your thoughts. An unknown number that you had a feeling belonged to a particular boy you didn’t think would actually text you. 

042-002-1130: bonjour 

042-002-1130: was that even right

042-002-1130: anyways I’m free on saturday if you wanna hang ig 

042-002-1130: samedi is saturday right 

042-002-1130: it is wow im such a genius 

You let out a snort at his cocky behaviour and reply back, letting him know that you were free yourself and to meet you at the school grounds at 2 pm. 

Saturday shows up as you wait outside the school gates, a picnic basket in hand. An all-black car with dark tinted windows zooms up to you. The window is pulled down and alas, the handsome boy sits in the driver’s seat, ushering you to get into the car with his hand. 

“Woah a picnic basket? Listen y/n you’re cool and all but this isn’t a date,” he speaks and notices you roll your eyes. A smug smile tugging his lips. 

“No you asshole, I have a plan with this.” 

“Tell me,” Jay begins to drive away from the school. The destination is unknown to you but extremely familiar to the boy next to you. 

“In here there is a bunch of food, in order for you to eat, you’re gonna have to say the name of the food in french.” He turns his head to see you looking back at him, a sweet smile places on your face. Jay has always known of you. You sat in the back of the classroom, handed in all your work on time and never skipped a class. You had very few friends and always seemed to be lost in a dream world when you weren’t working. Jay had never been able to speak to you personally as you always avoided him but know he has the chance to actually talk to you, and he doesn’t wanna mess it up. 

The car stopped at the edge of a giant grassy field. The greenery going miles ahead. Trees surrounding the two of you. Jay like a gentleman runs out of the car to open the door for you. You blush at his actions, thanking him silently by smiling at him. 

He directs you to a small spot under a tree. You lay out a blanket for you to sit on while Jay leans up against the tree. You tell him to sit down next to you as you bring out all the little snacks to share with him. He thinks that he could get used to this. 

“D’accord, commençons! Qu'est-ce que ç'est?” (okay, lets start! What is this?) 

You pick up a grape. He thinks for a little bit before answering. “Un raisin.” (a grape) You clap with glee and hand him over the grape. A silence falls between you both, unaware of how to keep going. He picks up a strawberry and brings it to your face. “Tu aime les fraises?” (do you like strawberries?) You eye him for a second, for someone who said he only knows how to ask how to go the bathroom in french, he knows quite a bit. You nod a little, opening your mouth and letting him feed you the sweet fruit. Your face matches the colour of the strawberry and he giggles. You pull out a sandwich and ask him to describe what’s in it. 

“Dans le sandwich, il y a du jambon, du beurre, et de la tomate.” (in the sandwich there is some ham, some butter, and some tomato.) He speaks confidently. 

“Trés bien Jay! Tu es bon en parler francias!” (very good Jay! You are really good at speaking French!) 

“Merci, mon Cheri.” (Thank you, my dear.) you blush even more before and shy away from Jay’s gaze. Jay being the very bold guy that he is, placing his hand underneath your jaw, forcing you to meet his eyes. You both just stare at each other as the sun sets behind you. Was Jay always this beautiful? His eyes scan over your face seeking for any discomfort, none is to be found. So he makes the move and starts to lean in. You already have your eyes closed and lips puckered out, ready to embrace a feeling you’ve never felt before.

His breath fans over your lips and just before he kisses you he asks “je peux t’embrasser? (can I kiss you?) you eagerly nod and whisper out “embrasse-moi.” (kiss me.) Jay finally places his lips on yours and everything feels right. Your hands find their way to the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. You stay in this position with him for a little while before you pull back for air. Both his hands cradle your face, his thumb rubbing across the apples of your cheeks.

“I still have a lot to learn y’know?” Jay breaks the silence. You laugh out loud, falling into his lap. 

“Same time next week then yeah?” He lets out a ‘hmm’ and watches you rest your head against his thigh, playing with the ends of your hair. ‘Maybe France could wait a little’ he thought.