#it involves Nathan's hole

[gigiii1sblog]

KISS ME LIKE A SECRET 001

Warnings: mature content, cheating, fluff, sexual content, 2 year age gap, 18 & 20 and more

Chapter One: He Was Watching

Y/N:

Nathan always had three best friends. The triplets. Nick, Matt, and Chris. I don’t remember a version of my childhood that didn’t involve them stomping through our front door, throwing open the fridge like it was theirs, collapsing onto the couch like they owned the place. And maybe, in a way, they did.

They were loud. Reckless. Intimidating and magnetic and impossible to ignore. Two years older, and the kind of boys girls wrote about in their journals except I didn’t have to write about them. They were in my house every single day.

Nick was always the easiest one to talk to. He was the only one who really saw me growing up. Kind, careful, and quietly funny, with a soft voice and big blue eyes that were always watching people a little more closely than anyone else. He told me he was gay when I was fourteen, crying under our porch like the secret was swallowing him whole. I didn’t even flinch. I just held his hand. That’s the kind of bond we had unspoken and permanent.

Matt was the quiet one. The observer. Gentle and shy and always lingering just outside the spotlight. He never said much unless he felt safe, but when he laughed really laughed it lit up the whole room. He was sweet. Thoughtful. The kind of guy who remembered your favorite candy and left it on the counter without saying a word. He liked silence, and I liked that about him.

And then there was Chris.

Chris, who asked to many questions. Chris, who smirked instead of smiled. Chris, who made fun of Matt’s awkward silences and always had a cocky comment ready for Nick’s playlists or Nate’s new haircut. Chris, who was all lean muscle and stupid swagger, with a jaw sharp enough to cut glass and blue eyes that felt like they could burn holes straight through your skin. He was loud, flirtatious, magnetic, and infuriatingly beautiful.

He also never looked at me like I mattered.

Growing up, I was just the background. Nate’s little sister. A gangly kid in oversized shirts with chipped nail polish and juice-stained lips, tucked in the corner of the room with a romance book while the triplets played Xbox and dunked on each other in the backyard. I don’t even think Chris knew my middle name. I was invisible.

But even then, even at seven, I noticed him.

I noticed the way his voice dropped when he was serious. The way he’d bite his lip when he was trying not to laugh. The way he moved like every room bent a little to make space for him. He made my stomach twist, even when I didn’t know why. He made me feel something.

He never looked at me. Not the way I wanted him to. Not until now.

Because this summer? Everything’s changed.

I turned eighteen in August. Got a job, started partying. I traded my baggy clothes for tight tops and lose but fitting pants enough to show my curves. Makeup. Drinking and even smoking. Confidence I didn’t have before. I stopped looking away when he walked in a room. I stopped being afraid of his eyes.

Now, I hold them.

I know how to talk softer when I know he’s near. How to laugh just loud enough. How to stretch in the kitchen when he’s sitting behind me, watching like he’s not supposed to. And the thing is he is watching now.

That look I used to dream about? The one where he sees me not as Nate’s little sister, not as the kid on the couch, but as a girl? It’s real. It’s in the way his eyes linger when I pass. In the way his voice goes quieter when he says my name. In the way his gaze drops to my lips before snapping away like it burns him.

And I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t want that from him.

Especially not when I have Josh.

Josh is sweet. Reliable. Safe. He brings me flowers. Says “good morning” before my alarm even goes off. He calls me pretty and means it. My parents love him. Nate does too. He’s the kind of boy you bring home. The kind who always says the right thing. The kind who doesn’t watch me like I’m a secret he wants to keep.

When Josh kisses me, I smile.

When Chris looks at me, I forget how to breathe.

I know it’s wrong. I know it’s a line I’m not supposed to cross. But this summer?

It’s not about being good.

It’s about being seen.

And Chris?

He’s finally watching.

The arrival: The Pool

CHRIS:

The second we pulled into Nate’s driveway, it hit me, summer. Sticky heat, the buzz of cicadas, and that smell of chlorine and cut grass that clung to every memory from when we were kids.

I stepped out of the car, already tugging off my hoodie, and there it was home. Or close enough. Nate’s place had always been our second house, mostly because his mom treated us like we were her own. Me, Matt, and Nick spent more summers in this backyard than our own growing up.

Matt yawned behind me, sleep-mussed and quiet like usual. Nick was halfway up the porch already, calling out for Mrs. Y/L/N like he always did.

And then she walked out.

Y/N.

And everything fucking stopped.

I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. Not properly, anyway. The last time I was here, she was still that scrawny, barefoot kid with chipped nail polish and tangled hair, always curled up somewhere with a book too big for her hands.

This? This was not that.

She walked out of the back door like she owned the sun. Tight black bikini. Tan skin. Jet Black hair. Hips that swayed like she didn’t even realize. And a glittering silver belly piercing that I couldn’t stop looking at if I tried. I swear to God, my jaw clenched so hard I thought I was gonna crack a molar.

“Oh my, god” Nick muttered next to me, eyebrows lifting, “is that—?”

“Yep,” I cut him off. “That’s Y/N.”

His grin went crooked. “You okay, man? You look like you saw a ghost.”

I didn’t answer. Because I wasn’t sure what the hell I saw. Just that it made my chest tight and my palms ache.

Then Nate stepped outside and yelled, “Triplets are back, bitches!”

She looked up, saw me—and smiled.

Not the kid kind. Not the hey-remember-me kind. The kind that said I see you seeing me.

I swallowed hard.

We were so fucked.

Y/N:

I heard them before I saw them, laughter spilling out of the driveway, car doors slamming, sneakers on pavement. The triplets were back. Just like every summer. And I told myself it was fine. I had a boyfriend now. I was chill. Grown. Untouchable.

But when I stepped outside and saw them standing in the sun, especially Chris, it felt like the ground tilted.

He was taller. Broader. His jaw was sharper, and his shirt was tight across his chest, and when his eyes landed on me, they stuck. For the first time in my entire life, he really saw me.

And I could feel it.

I pretended not to notice, even though my skin buzzed under his stare. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, tilted my head just enough to make my necklace slide across my collarbone, and smiled.

Then Josh came outside.

“Hey, babe.” He kissed my cheek and wrapped an arm around my waist. “These the triplets?”

Chris looked away first.

“Yeah,” I said. “Guys, this is Josh. My boyfriend.”

Nick was the first to smile, friendly as always. “Nice to meet you!”

Matt nodded, quiet and polite. “Nice to meet you, man.” eyes flickering toward me once before going right back to the ground.

Chris?

Chris just stared at Josh’s hand on my hip like it was a personal offense.

He gave a tight-lipped smile, then said, “Cool.”

That was it.

We all headed to the backyard after that. The pool was already open, the sun blazing, and I could feel the way Chris’s gaze dragged across my back when I peeled off my cover-up.

My bikini was black and small and very intentional. My mom would’ve killed me. But Chris? His jaw flexed. His eyes dipped lower than they should’ve. And when I dropped into the pool, letting the water splash up over my stomach, I made sure he saw the belly piercing catch the light.

Josh cannonballed in next to me. Chris didn’t move. Just sat on the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the water, watching me like he was trying not to.

It was torture.

And God, I loved it.

CHRIS:

Matt and Nick were off grabbing drinks. Nate was busy setting up the speaker. And I was stuck on the edge of the pool, trying not to stare at her, Y/N like a pervert.

She floated on her back like she didn’t have a care in the world. Water lapping at her waist, that goddamn belly ring glinting like a dare.

Her boyfriend was splashing beside her, calling her “babe” like he owned the word. And she laughed, but it was fake. Too high-pitched. Too practiced.

I knew her laugh.

And that wasn’t it.

I watched the way her fingers dragged over the water. The way she arched her back every time she moved. I knew what she was doing.

And it was working.

Because every inch of me was screaming to touch her. To pull her under and see if she still smiled underwater like she did when she was ten. To make her forget that guy’s name.

And I couldn’t.

Because she was Nate’s sister.

Because she was eighteen.

Because she had a boyfriend.

And still, I watched.

Because this summer wasn’t about rules.

It was about everything we weren’t supposed to want.

And fuck, I wanted her.

Y/N:

Josh fit in better than I expected.

Nick instantly clicked with him, of course he did. Nick liked everyone. But Matt surprised me. He was quiet, but he actually laughed at Josh’s dumb stories. They even bonded over some obscure sci-fi show I didn’t know Matt liked. The kind of easy, golden-hour bonding that made everything feel warm and soft and… safe.

Chris sat in a lawn chair a few feet away, sunglasses on, silent and stretched out like he was bored out of his mind. But I could feel him watching. The way you feel thunder before it breaks. I saw his jaw tighten when Josh handed me my towel. When Matt offered to grab me a soda and Josh said, “I got it, man,” with a smile.

I kept pretending not to notice.

And then Chris spoke.

“You remember when Y/N used to have that imaginary boyfriend named.. what was it? Captain Bubbles?”

I froze mid-sip.

Nick burst out laughing. “Oh my God, yes. And he lived in the bathtub.”

Matt covered his mouth, shaking his head. “You used to draw him with, like, six-pack abs and gills.”

Josh grinned at me. “No way.”

My face was on fire, but I didn’t flinch. I set down my soda, leaned back, and locked eyes with Chris.

“Still better than the girls you used to sneak into Nate’s basement at thirteen. What was that one’s name? Katy? The one who cried because you couldn’t find her mouth?”

Nick choked. “No way.”

Matt actually laughed out loud.

Chris dropped his sunglasses down his nose, eyes narrow and dark. But I just smiled sweetly. “Captain Bubbles was a gentleman.”

Josh nudged me. “I like him already.”

I flipped my hair off my shoulder and didn’t look at Chris again.

But I could feel it.

The shift.

He thought he could humiliate me, reduce me back down to that little girl with imaginary boyfriends and glitter stickers on her notebooks.

But I wasn’t her anymore.

And he knew it.

⸻

CHRIS:

Okay. So maybe that wasn’t my proudest move.

Dragging out Captain Bubbles like a weapon? Low blow. But watching her laugh with Nick and Matt, and worse, Josh like she belonged there now? Like she was one of us?

It made something in me snap.

I didn’t expect her to throw it back like that. She used to blush and stammer when we teased her. Now she hit back, clean, sharp, and without blinking.

And when she smiled?

It wasn’t innocent.

It was deadly.

I sat there, sunglasses on, heart pounding like a fucking teenager.

She wasn’t Nate’s little sister anymore.

And she wasn’t scared of me.

I should’ve left it alone. But I didn’t.

Because I didn’t like watching her fit in too well.

Especially with them.

Especially when I wanted to be the one making her laugh like that.

CHRIS:

The sky was bleeding orange by the time I slipped away from the pool. The others were still out there, Nate and Nick tossing a football with Josh, Matt dozing with a book in his lap, and Y/N…

God.

She was stretched out on a towel, glowing in the gold light, laughing at something Josh said like her whole body smiled when she did. It made me feel sick. Or something close to it.

I sat on the back steps alone, beer dangling from my fingers, trying to get a grip. My skin was still warm from the sun, but I couldn’t stop the chill that sat in my chest. Watching her like this knowing it was a fucked-up kind of torture.

She was eighteen. Barely. I was twenty.

Two years.

That was nothing, right?

But when you’ve known her since she was seven, when you used to help tie her shoelaces, when she had braces and cried over Disney movies, it’s not just time. It’s history. It’s how I should see her.

But I didn’t.

Not anymore.

She moved different. Spoke different. She looked at me like she was unafraid of what she might find and that scared the hell out of me more than anything else.

I took a slow sip of the beer and closed my eyes.

And then I heard the door creak open behind me.

Nate.

He dropped down on the step beside me with a groan and stretched out his legs. We sat in silence for a minute, listening to the low hum of the music and the distant splash of someone diving into the pool.

“You good?” he finally asked.

I nodded, but it wasn’t convincing.

He glanced at me sideways. “You’re quiet.”

“I’m tired.”

He snorted. “You’re never tired.”

More silence. The sky deepened into violet. A mosquito buzzed too close.

Then Nate said, “You’ve been looking at her.”

My heart stopped.

I turned, but he wasn’t even looking at me just staring straight ahead at the yard.

“Who?” I asked, even though I knew.

He raised an eyebrow. “Come on.”

I looked away. Took another sip. My fingers clenched tighter around the bottle neck.

“She grew up,” I muttered.

“Yeah. She did.” His voice was flat, unreadable. “It’s freaking me the hell out.”

I laughed, tight, hollow. “Yeah. Same.”

Another long beat.

“I know she’s not a kid anymore,” Nate said carefully. “And I’m not stupid. I saw the way she looked at you today.”

My lungs tightened.

“But she’s my sister, Chris.”

There it was.

Not a threat. Not yet.

Just a warning. A reminder. And the weight of it sat heavy on my chest.

“I know,” I said, voice low.

“I trust you,” Nate added, like that meant more than anything else.

And that? That hurt worse than anything.

Because I wasn’t trustworthy. Not when it came to her.

Not anymore.

The Bonfire:

Y/N:

The fire snapped low between us, embers glowing like tiny secrets in the dark.

I stayed behind after everyone had gone in for food or drinks or whatever excuse they’d made. I wasn’t hungry. I needed air. Space. Something that didn’t feel like pretending.

I sat back in a lawn chair, oversized hoodie swallowing my frame, his hoodie, not that he knew. My bikini bottoms clung to my hips underneath, legs tucked up beneath me, skin still warm and damp from the pool. The smell of chlorine, firewood, and sunscreen lingered in the thick summer air.

I lit the joint with steady fingers, the flame catching on the second try. I pulled in slow, feeling it fill my lungs, then exhaled toward the sky. The smoke curled upward, slow and sleepy, like it had nowhere to be.

The first hit always settled something in me. Loosened the tight grip in my chest.

I barely noticed the footsteps until they were close.

Chris.

Of course.

He didn’t speak right away just sauntered into view, hoodie pulled over his head, swim trunks slung low on his hips like he didn’t care how much skin he showed. He dropped down into the chair next to mine, stretched out like he owned the place, and glanced at the joint between my fingers.

“Didn’t think you smoked,” he said, voice thick with amusement.

I didn’t even look at him. “You don’t know me.”

Chris chuckled, low and quiet, and reached into his pocket. “No. I guess I don’t.”

He pulled out his own joint, thicker than mine, twisted neat like he knew what he was doing, and lit it without another word. The silence between us buzzed.

I took another hit.

He watched.

“I saw you with Josh earlier,” he said eventually, exhaling slow. “You guys always that… couple-y?”

I shrugged. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Chris smirked. “Nothing. Just didn’t take you for the hand-holding, matching-shoes, golden-retriever type.”

I side-eyed him. “You don’t like him.”

He lifted a brow. “Didn’t say that. I just think it’s funny.”

“What is?”

“That you’re trying so hard to convince everyone you’re into him.”

I froze.

Chris didn’t press. Just took another drag and passed me his joint without looking. I blinked at it, then took it hands brushing briefly, heat flaring in my chest.

“You’re full of shit,” I said finally, exhaling smoke.

Chris grinned. “Maybe. But I’m not wrong.”

The fire popped softly between us, the only sound besides the occasional chirp of crickets and the faint bass of music coming from inside.

Then he leaned back and stretched, hoodie riding up, his abs flashing in the light. “You’ve changed, you know.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” His eyes dragged slowly over me lazy, not subtle. “You used to follow us around like a little puppy. Now you’re out here stealing my hoodie, smoking my strain.”

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t know it was your hoodie.”

His grin widened. “Didn’t stop you from wearing it.”

I handed his joint back, fingers grazing his again. Slower this time.

He held it between his lips, gaze fixed on mine. “Still got the crush?”

I nearly choked. “You’re insane.”

He blew smoke toward the stars. “What? You think I didn’t notice? Back then you couldn’t even talk to me without turning red.”

I stayed quiet, heat blooming behind my ears.

“I was fifteen,” he added after a beat. “You were what, like—twelve?”

“Thirteen,” I corrected, defensive. “And it was a phase.”

Chris looked at me like he didn’t believe a word of it.

Then: “If it was a phase, why are you still looking at me like that?”

I blinked.

He smirked again, like he lived for catching me off guard. Then he leaned back and closed his eyes, like he hadn’t just lit me on fire from the inside out.

Before I could respond, before I could even catch my breath the back door creaked open.

Laughter. Footsteps. Voices.

Nate stepped out first, carrying drinks, Matt right behind him, quiet but smiling. Nick trailed behind, already rambling about something. And Josh, Josh was last, eyes lighting up when he saw me.

“Babe,” he said, walking over. His hand landed on my shoulder, warm and casual, fingers curling into the hoodie like it was his. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just hanging out.”

Chris didn’t move. Didn’t speak.

Josh bent down and kissed my cheek. I let him. But I didn’t feel anything.

Across the fire, Matt sat down silently, eyes flicking to me and Chris, reading everything without saying a word. Nick kept the mood light, tossing another log on the fire and cracking a joke about ghost stories. Nate stood behind the chairs, sipping his drink, watching us too carefully.

And the tension? Still there.

Flickering in the smoke. Crawling beneath my skin. Settling between me and Chris like a storm cloud with no rush to pass.

This summer, I could feel everything shifting.

And Chris? He wasn’t looking away anymore.

End of the Night:

Y/N:

The fire had burned down to glowing coals, the kind that pulsed low and orange like they had a heartbeat. The air was cooler now, the kind of late summer night that clung to your skin and made your thoughts louder. Most of the group had drifted back inside Matt, Nick, Josh, Nate leaving just me and Chris.

Again.

He didn’t say anything at first.

Just leaned back in his chair, long legs stretched out, hoodie sleeves pushed up to his elbows. His jaw flexed as he took another hit from the joint we’d passed back and forth like something shared and dangerous.

“I forgot you used to be quiet,” he said eventually. His voice was soft but smug, the kind that carried even through silence. “Like, really quiet. You’d sit in the living room when we were over and just… watch us.”

I didn’t respond right away.

Mostly because I did remember.

I remembered hiding behind a book I wasn’t even reading, just so I could glance at him without getting caught. I remembered the way he never looked back.

“You were loud enough for all of us,” I muttered finally, flicking ash off the side of the porch.

He smirked. “I always thought you were just shy.”

“I wasn’t shy,” I said. “I was smart.”

That made him laugh. Low and lazy. He took another drag and exhaled toward the sky.

“So… what changed?” he asked. “You’re not exactly quiet anymore.”

I didn’t know how to answer that. Not without telling the truth.

That I used to stay up thinking about him. That I used to wonder if he’d ever notice me the way I noticed him. That I’d spent entire summers trying to convince myself that what I felt was just a phase.

So instead, I shrugged. “People grow up.”

“Yeah,” he said, eyes flicking over me slowly. “You definitely did.”

My breath caught, but I covered it with a laugh. “You sound surprised.”

He looked at me for a long moment. Firelight flickered in his eyes, warm and unreadable.

“I am,” he admitted. “I didn’t think you’d… turn out like this.”

“Like what?”

But he just shook his head, like saying it would cost him too much.

“You never told me,” he added suddenly, a bit quieter.

My stomach flipped. “Told you what?”

“That you had a crush on me.”

I blinked. “I never did.”

His mouth curved into something almost cruel. “You’re lying.”

I tilted my head. “Then why didn’t you say something?”

He paused, his cocky edge flickering into something almost unsure. “Maybe I thought it’d go away.”

I stared at him, heart pounding, the silence stretching between us like thread pulled too tight.

“It did,” I said quietly.

He didn’t look away.

Didn’t smile.

Didn’t argue.

But the corner of his mouth twitched just once. Like he knew I was lying now, too.

And that was the worst part.

He didn’t say anything after that.

Didn’t smile, didn’t laugh it off like he usually would. He just looked at me, really looked at me, and the silence between us felt like it could set something on fire.

And maybe it already had.

I stood up first, wrapping the sleeves of my hoodie around my hands to hide how cold I suddenly felt. Or maybe it wasn’t the cold at all, maybe it was just him. The way he watched me. The way he always watched me now, like he was trying to find pieces of a girl he’d ignored for years.

I didn’t say goodbye. I didn’t have to.

As I walked toward the house, I could feel his stare on my back. Heavy. Reluctant. Like he wanted to stop me but didn’t know how.

Or didn’t think he should.

And maybe I wanted him to. Maybe I wanted him to say something else, anything to keep me there.

But he didn’t.

So I kept walking.

Inside, the lights were too bright, and Josh’s voice was already cutting through the kitchen. He looked up when I walked in and smiled like nothing had changed.

But it had.

Something had cracked wide open out there by the fire, and even if no one else saw it, I felt it. I felt it in the way my skin still burned. In the way my heart still raced. In the way I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Chris had said my name.

Like he’d only just learned how to say it.

And somewhere behind me, outside, he was still sitting in the dark.

Letting me go.

Even though we both knew—

He didn’t want to.

CHRIS:

She didn’t look back.

I watched her hoodie pull tighter around her frame as she disappeared into the house, smoke still curling from where we’d passed the joint back and forth like it was nothing. Like it wasn’t loaded with everything we didn’t say.

The second the door closed behind her, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. My jaw was locked so tight it ached.

That should’ve gone differently.

I told myself I was just messing with her, just teasing, same as I always had. But somewhere between the way she held my gaze and the way she said “It did,” I felt something shift. Something small, but permanent. Like the slam of a lock on a door I hadn’t meant to open.

She used to follow me around like a shadow. Always quiet, always watching, like she thought I didn’t notice. But I did. I always did. And I told myself she’d grow out of it. That it wasn’t serious. That she was Nate’s kid sister and it didn’t matter.

But it mattered now.

Now she was eighteen. Grown. Smoking my weed in the hoodie I threw over her shoulders earlier that day without thinking, legs curled underneath her like she didn’t know what it did to me.

I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, staring at the dying fire. I could still taste the strawberry gloss on the joint. Still hear her voice when she said she never had a crush.

Bullshit.

But maybe that’s what scared me.

Because if she never told me, if she kept that secret all these years, what else was she keeping?

And why did I want to know so badly?

The screen door creaked again behind me. I thought it might be her, coming back out. Maybe to say something else. Maybe to make me say something I couldn’t.

But it was just Nate.

He stepped down the porch stairs with two beers in hand, flipping one toward me without warning. I caught it, popped the cap, nodded in thanks.

He plopped into the chair across from me with a heavy sigh, stretching his legs out and leaning back like he didn’t have a single worry in the world.

“She’s being quiet tonight, huh?” he said, nodding vaguely toward the house.

My chest tightened. “Guess so.”

He cracked a grin. “Josh probably wore her out. Kid talks more than Nick.”

I forced a chuckle and took a long drink, the beer cold enough to make my teeth ache.

“Hey, I’m glad she found someone good,” Nate added, completely oblivious. “You know how picky she is.”

I stared into the fire again.

Yeah. I knew.

Nate didn’t notice the way my knuckles had gone white around the bottle. He didn’t notice the way my knee was bouncing under the chair. He didn’t know what just happened ten minutes before he walked out here that she sat next to me, high and flushed and honest, and told me something I’d never expected to hear.

That I hadn’t been the one watching all these years.

She had.

And I missed it.

“Josh is cool,” I said finally, swallowing the burn in my throat. “He’s… nice.”

Nate laughed. “You sound so convincing, bro.”

I smirked without humor.

He stretched, cracked his neck, and yawned. “Alright, I’m gonna head back in. Nick’s already halfway into a s’mores coma. You coming?”

I shook my head. “In a sec.”

“Don’t get too sentimental out here,” he teased as he walked away.

And just like that he was gone.

I leaned back in the chair, beer bottle resting against my knee, firelight flickering against the trees.

She never told me she liked me.

And now, I wasn’t sure what was worse:

That I didn’t know back then.

Or that I did now.

ooouuu the tensionnnn is crazy.. I hope this is clear and make sense let me know if it’s hard to understand please!

@izzylovesmatt @riggysworld @amiraisafreakokaysorry @ansteeze @pair-of-pantaloons @kitty-meow-meow44

[pepsiboyy]

HEARTSTRINGS. - p1

masterlist ⚜ p2

pairing: chris sturniolo x fem!reader summary: after moving to massachusetts from florida, y/n lives with her half brother, nathan doe, who is part of a small garage band. their sassy guitarist, chris sturniolo, can't help but get on her nerves. but there's something about him. warnings: use of y/n lol, mentions of drugs, cursing a/n: rewrote the FUCK out of this, i hope this one is SO MUCH BETTER. love u guys. <3

"chris?"

"phone charger girl!"

"the fuck is he doing here?" my voice boomed in the garage, causing nathan to flinch slightly.

"woah, you two know each other?"

"sort of." chris responded with that stupid smug smirk on his face.

"not at all, actually." i responded quickly, immediately shutting down chris' disgusting expression.

my heartbeat was racing. i couldn't feel anything but anger in every fiber of my being. i couldn't help but remember to myself earlier today.

i had been living in massachusetts for about three days now. very interesting place, very different from florida.

after my mom's drug addiction became a major issue, cps was informed and i was sent to my dad's in boston, where i was completely unfamiliar with everyone and everything.

my dad's side, they weren't complete strangers if checking his status on facebook counted as being close.

shortly after i was born, my mom took me and left my dad in boston while we fled to live in florida. and as i get older, i can't help but feel more hatred towards the woman. my dad was a great guy, never deserved the way she treated him. he definitely did not deserve his first child being ripped away from his grasp a few months into my life.

when my mom and i moved to florida, my dad met another woman and had a child with her, whose name is nathan.

he seems like a really cool guy, an awesome brother to have, so i was looking forward to this move a lot, more than i probably should have.

the feeling of fresh air was appealing to me and the feeling of finally being there to reassure my dad that i want to be with him was even more exciting to me.

nate and i clicked pretty quickly, talking about our music taste on the way home from the airport. we talked a lot about video games, and he told me he was involved in a small garage band and plays the drums.

"that's so fucking cool!" i exclaimed with a bright smile, and nathan nodded.

"yeah! we mostly do covers now, but i plan on releasing some new and original music soon."

i nodded as i stayed focused on nate as he spoke, playing with my hands in my lap nervously.

the fact that this kid was my brother was so mind blowing to me. i couldn't wait.

the doe family had left to go to an event they had only bought three tickets for. i reassured them over and over that i was okay with staying at the house and continuing to settle in. and with that they left.

i dug through my bag and frowned when i came to a tragic realization.

"fuck." i cursed under my breath as i stood up and slid on my shoes.

time to go to that one gas station down the street we stopped at on the way here from the airport.

i left the house through the front door and slid my earbuds into my ears, playing my favorite playlist as i walked down the street.

boston was a lot more close together than florida. it genuinely made my heart happy.

about fifteen minutes into my walk and i find the gas station, pulling the door opened and look at the employee at the counter, smiling faintly to greet him. his eyes were glued to his phone though, so i turned to make my way up and down the aisles and look for the phone charger that works for my phone.

"eighteen dollars is fucking bizarre." i muttered under my breath at the charging brick box that i now have between my fingers. i carefully took it off the bar and grabbed a six ft long cord, making my way to the counter.

this is great. no job, new place, and i was already burning a hole into my savings for a fucking phone charger.

i set the two boxes on the counter and began digging through my pockets to find my wallet, the boxes hitting the counter a little harder than i had intended.

"woah there, sensing some aggression from 'ya. boyfriend start an argument with you or what?"

i finally found my wallet, but my eyes shifted quickly to the boy at the counter. "excuse me?" i asked, my face flushed at the thought. "it doesn't-" i blinked a few times. this kid was insane. "just ring me out please." i sighed as i inserted my card in the cardreader.

"relax sweetheart, just yankin' your chain." he stated defensively, skipping through the prompts on his screen. his hair was a little longer than average, and fairly wavy. he had a silver cuban link bracelet on one wrist and a few small handmade ones on the other, a ring or two on each hand. he had silver hoops in his ears and a plain black t-shirt on over his blue baggy jeans.

i stared at him in disbelief before i put my pin into the pad, yanking out my card as soon as it beeped and quickly shoving it into my wallet. chris set the charger boxes into a small plastic bag, placing it on the counter between us.

"i'm not your sweetheart," i narrowed my eyes at the nametag on his shirt, sucking in through my teeth, "chris."

i gripped the bag and left the gas station, and never turned back to see chris with his arms raised, and that disgusting smirk on his face.

my music was playing extra loud in my headphones in a desperate attempt to drown out the sound of nate slamming the drums in the garage.

i carefully sat up, my hand moving to run through my hair as i slipped on my shoes and stepped down the stairs. i was just wearing some pajama shorts and an oversized hoodie, but who even cares, right?

my hair was thrown into a messy bun, and i had one earbud in as my eyes were glued to my phone. i turned the doorknob to the garage carefully before stepping in and lifting my head as the music came to a halt.

and with that, my eyes widened.

and that's how we got here. with a finger pointed to my face.

"the fuck is he doing here?" my voice boomed in the garage, causing nathan to flinch slightly.

"woah, you two know each other?"

"sort of." chris responded with that stupid, smug smirk on his face.

"not at all, actually." i immediately barked back, crossing my arms.

nate looked between us both and shrugged it off quickly before he pulled a chair beside him. "come listen, y/n. i think you'd like it a lot." he told me.

i couldn't say no. i really was curious to hear nathan play. "okay, sure. just for a bit though." i reminded him of the time, and he smiled brightly and sat down in his seat.

i felt chris' eyes burning into the back of my head the whole time, his shaggy brunette locks perfectly draping over his forehead, which was a bit damp, while his eyes shifted to focus on his guitar again.

nate turned to me with a bright smile, grabbing his drumsticks as he glanced to the other two, making sure they were ready.

i watched the three and smiled as they began playing.

they were really good, actually.

better than i had expected them to be.

with nathan slamming the drums with his drumsticks and the boy i didn't know yet playing the bass, chris actually knocked his part out of the park.

chris glanced up for half a second, where we locked eyes. my eyes widened as he turned back to his guitar and a small smile grew on his face.

i hate this kid.

the song came to an end, and i turned to nathan, applauding happily.

"you guys sound great, genuinely. have you guys worked on any original stuff?"

nathan chuckled and shrugged, glancing between the other two. "a bit. chris writes phenomenal lyrics. we're working on it."

i glanced to chris for a moment, who was now gently strumming the strings of his guitar. i gulped as i stared at his hands, then turned back to nate. "i'm excited for you guys. let me know if i can do anything to help?"

nate nodded happily, and i stood up.

"alright, i'm gonna try and go to sleep. good luck to you guys." i waved at the three, and smiled at nate, my eyes quickly glancing at chris who waved softly back, no clear expression on his face anymore.

and with that, i opened the garage door and shut it, before taking a deep sigh and leaning against it.

"dude, you didn't tell me your sister was bad as hell," an unfamiliar voice rang, which i assumed was the bassist.

"wh- ben, gross! shut up dude," nathan quickly stated.

i cringed at the boy's comment, shaking my head quickly as if he could see me responding or something.

"invite her more often." chris stated blankly, standing up from his seat as he adjusted his guitar strap.

nathan turned to chris and narrowed his eyes.

i quickly stood up and made my way back to my bedroom, laying flat against the bed and turning up the music playing in my earbuds.

chris playing guitar and writing some lyrics.

it made me genuinely curious about whether or not this guy actually wrote good lyrics.

i hated being curious about him.

but i needed to know more.

masterlist ⚜ p2

comment to be added to taglist!! taglist;; @sturnioloshacker

[twigg96]

If u havent already done it,, hcs for dethklok w a very physically affectionate s/o ? Like one that is always down to cuddle n stuff

Hello my sweet Anon! No I haven’t written anything like that yet!! I hope you like these HCs

Nathan - While Nathan himself is a gigantic teddy bear who is touch starved beyond belief. He does find the act of being propositioned with cuddles and touches to be bloody vomit inducing for several reasons. The first being that cuddles and intimate touches took just that... intimacy. And truth be told Nathan wasn't the best when it came to that realm of being. Sure he could pretend. But he hated how nervous he became when his leg touched his partner's, uncertain if the tingles of excitement he felt were ever reciprocated. He hated how sweaty his palms became holding his SO's knowing full well that they could feel just how moist he was becoming just thinking of where that could lead. Marriage and kids of course... and he hated that his mind took him down a futuristic rabbit hole that got his heart broken more times than he ever realized. But his partner... never seemed to mind. Their head on his chest during movies they listened to his heart beat and breathed with him through the panic. Kissed his sweaty knuckles and eased a hand over his bouncing knee. They whispered that they were scared too. But that was an important part of intimacy no one ever talked about. The anxiety and the fear that came with every touch the one that eased with time and with every breath shared until it was hardly noticed anymore and soon two souls became one.

Pickles - The little drummer was not a man who was overly touchy to begin with. People could thank his abusive parents and sketchy past for his fear of intimate touches. He'd duck away from a hug faster than most at the beginning of a relationship. He wasn't repulsed by touches. He'd probably even pull his partner in for hugs and cuddles. But he had boundaries he expected his partner to understand and respect just as he knew his partner had their own he would respect over anything else. There were times that he would pull his partner into his embrace all day. Most of those times alcohol or other substances were involved, other times he or his loved ones were in a heightened emotional state. He hugged people the tightest then with all his heart and soul. He held them to tell them he was there. He wasn't going anywhere. Burying his face in the crook of their neck, his beard scratching against the skin of their neck he held them tight to help them relax. And when his asthma hit and his anxiety washed over him the most was when he needed his partner to step in and return the favor.

Murderface - William likes to pretend that he is as macho as they come. And sure he pretends for a while. He pretends that he's a sexual extraordinaire, has a 20 meter defeater, and lives without a single fear in the entire world. He pretends for a while when he first meets his partner... because he never expects to catch feelings. He ever expects to see them again. But the fact of the mater is... Murderface is entirely too scared... for much of anything when it comes to anything intimate with his partner especially when he starts a relationship with his partner. It takes a long time for him to open up to his partner. To let them touch him so intamatly and with so much trust that they won't hurt him. Because the truth of the matter was that was what he was scared of most. Getting close. Comfortable. Then being discarded and forgotten like yesterday's trash. He hated that feeling. He hated it more that he had grown used to it. So when the couple were watching one of his favorite movies... maybe a boring documentary and his partner's full attention was on the screen not on their phone, not talking to some other guy... he felt himself grow comfortable... wrapping his arm around their shoulder he pulled them close kissing their temple.

Skwisgaar - For the Swede cuddling and touching came in the form of sex so often that he became complacent to the idea that cuddling only came to those in the throws of passion. When his partner tried to hug or hold him in public it sprang to life a problem the blonde had to either excuse himself to the bathroom for. Although many times he simply would try to pull his partner into the alleys and closets to get some alone time. One night when his partner comes to bed they wear the most revealing clothes they could find, crawl into bed and cuddle up close to him, their fingers ghost his skin as they lay sweet kisses across his collar bone, neck, and jaw. Just when Skwisgaar is positive he's getting lucky, his partner pulls away. Touch therapy. That's what they call it. They want to retrain his brain into learning they can touch him without always getting laid. At first he fights the idea. Then his partner cuddles close once more telling him to close his eyes. He does, not because they said so of course... but because he was getting blue balls and it hurt... But... eventually he understood. The quietness, the sensuality without the sexuality... it was nice. Comfortable.

Toki - This boy is just as touchy feely as his partner. It makes other people uncomfortable how clingy they are to each other. Stage 5 clingers would not be a stretch to describe either of them. Velcro Partners. If they're seen apart it's not because either of them want to be alone.

[ivystoryweaver]

🌿IvyStoryUpdates Aug. 1 - here's the rest of 2024!

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In case you missed it in July: 🔥 indicates 18+ story

🔥 When You Come Back Home Santiago Garcia (July 14)

Still With You - a With You standalone sequel one shot Moon Boys (July 21) - can be read on its on

🔥 Perfect Fit Volume 2 Nathan Bateman (July 28)

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📬 It’s ASK ME AUGUST 📥

This month I am going to focus almost exclusively on ASKS. I have lots to work on but you can still send some!

🌙 “Can’t Stand It” Marc Spector POSTED

📚 Professor!Steven Grant x Professor!Reader for nonnie

🤖 Your Father’s Rival!Nathan Bateman POSTED

🧤 Jake Lockley Oblivious Alters Headcanons, a Steven Grant Oblivious Roommate Headcanons bonus chapter for @missdictatorme

👔 “Let Me” Soft dom!Jake Lockley x curvy!reader for @ladywynne - yes, a tie is involved

And more!

🍂 SEPTEMBER:

Writing a few things for Angstember, but I’m not doing 30 days of it. Maybe 4-8?

So far, I have angsty fics for Shiv, Outcome 3 and Anselm Vogelweide

Feel free to share or save the prompts!

🎃 OCTOBER:

Gonna dabble in @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction's Kinktober 2024 for a few days

By Halloween, I will complete my spooky MK fic 👻 Spectre 👻

NOVEMBER aka Poevember:

🪽Completion of my Poe story The Only One

🌳 Finish my abandoned Life Day Poe one shot "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

🚀 New "Poe crash lands to Earth" story that I've been talking about for months

"Just for an Hour" - The war is over but your best friend Poe still feels like the fate of everyone rests on his shoulders. You lure him to a swimming hole, trying to get his mind off of his responsibilities...only to find his mind is fixed on you.

General Dameron poses for propaganda pics (you know the Brioni ones)

DECEMBER:

Who knows but if Perfect Fit isn't done by then, idek

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Main Masterlist

My current WIP list

Updates blog - @ivystoryupdates Askbox always open 📥

💚 Ivy

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Previous

[nerdieforpedro]

I was tagged by @din-cognito @for-a-longlongtime @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @604to647 and @magpiepills

Thank ya’ll! 🥰 I don’t have much. I haven’t written much this last couple weeks, between work and my class, my motivation has been nil 😭

I did a mix of Mysty’s titles, explaining what some of them are and a spicy 🌶️ peek of one 🤭 like Bat.

My list of WIPs is always rotating (these I’ve actually written):

1. It’s Incidental - a soft Dave fic, I normally write him dark, manipulative and forceful. We’ll see.

2. Din Djarin tentacle - so this title is not final but it involves Din Djarin, a tentacle monster and a reader? 🤨 A long way off.

3. Din’s in the Neighborhood - working on a new chapter from Grogu’s perspective. I think it will be cute.

4. Nights in Coruscant - working on chapter 2 where Din will be working as a bodyguard and then some.

5. Coasting across the Rainbow - my queer Javi fic. Part five and six should be done by October (at least that’s my goal).

6. Waters of Lethe - my Qimir fic working on chapter two. 🤗 Close to done. (On AO3)

7. Honey and Sugarplum - Working through chapter three where we’ll reach that ranch. Jack is busy…convincing Maeve to go. Might need to carry her to the car at the point. (On AO3)

These are just notes but still in progress:

1. Unnamed Jack Daniel as a fae fic - I got my notes I just got write it.

2. Nathan Bateman researching the female orgasm because why not make your sex bots the best they can be? 🙌🏽

3. Untitled Max Phillips (I dunno why I decided to write for this man, maybe as a challenge to myself?)

4. Maybe add more to the Marcus A fic I told myself I would write ✍️

5. A Safe Place for Us - The Dieter baby daddy fic. I need to update it on here. I think it’s up to chapter 5 on AO3 but only chapter 3 here.

6. Therapy for the Well-Adjusted - Marcus and Aisha are in the cottage. 😙 Hehe

As for an actual sample of writing:

Dave knows what he has to do. He despises it, hates when people beg for their lives, often not even while he’s taking different men from the back would he put up with pleading. He just wants them to shut up so he can focus on coming. Never did he tease them or edge them like this. It’s too messy and takes too damn long. “Fuck…” He mutters. His ass feels empty, even from the loss of their how own fingers and his hole stretched from just the tip of his dick. “P-Paint the inside of my ass…” Whispering as he drools, Dave tries to look over his shoulder but only sees Santi’s curls.

This sample is from my Dave York/Santiago Garcia M/M fic I started back in January. Never finished it and still haven’t but I have made some progress. 😘 Much to Dave’s detriment or pleasure, whichever he’s in the mood for.

NPT: @morallyinept @secretelephanttattoo @chaithetics @lotusbxtch @angelofsmalldeath-codeine

@yourcoolauntie @soft-persephone @megamindsecretlair @arcanefox207 @maggiemayhemnj

@inept-the-magnificent @chaithetics @jolapeno @syd-djarin @sin-djarin

@alltheglitterandtheroar @handspunyarns @perotovar @secretelephanttattoo @schnarfer

[ethers-moth]

Autistic people with the same special interests (the two of you) are about to have a field day.

So. Repo! The genetic opera. The magnus archives. The Archival Repo!. The Repo! Archives.

Anyway

Shiloh is developing corruption

- bug collector

- not a full blown avatar but is kind of in the Jonathan Sims position to be influenced by a LOT of them

- feeds on Nathan’s anxiety (she thinks it’s her illness, but it’s more likely just dread that he’s a failure of a parent. He is.) (I love him why is he like that)

- 17 has her say “I always longed for true affection, but you compared me to a corpse”, so when she leaves at the end of the movie that signifies her evolution into an avatar (or rejection of it?) bc she is left with nothing but her bugs. We don’t really know

Nathan is either Slaughter or Hunt

- I definitely am more inclined for hunt for Nathan

- the hunting at the beginning and later when he and Shiloh are on the phone he definitely could do it a lot faster and less dramatically

- he definitely enjoys it is my point

- “thankless job” is also a prime example of his feelings on this job and or its moral implications

- obviously he’s unstable too and that influences jt but he kind of reminds me of Daisy Tonner where he’s over the ethical issue mostly

Luigi is definitely slaughter

- there’s not a really a need for question man is violent and angry I feel like there’s no question he shanks and yells and gets half naked for fun.

- his treatment of the gentern bringing coffee is a great example, he had no reason to freak out other than. Being like that. And also bc he can

- that’s about it actually he feeds on subordinates fear of his unforgiving temper it’s pretty CUT and dry

Pavi is. Hmmm. Flesh??

- I’m stuck on this one, however I think flesh fits best

- his face stealing reminds me of specific serial killer behaviors (usually due to parental issues) that involve using others body parts, usually skin (Ed Gein with his skin suit of his mother I think??) though I think his environment is part of why the face thing is a little less wrong in canon. Idk he’s a fucking FREAK okay

- also we never see his actual face so I feel an argument that it’s tied with dysmorphia isn’t unreasonable

- Pavi feeds off of adoration (even if it’s fake) from the Genterns as well as the fear of having your face skinned

- seriously what is wrong with him

- with the Genterns his boisting of “ask a gentern who they prefer” and overtly unacceptable sexual behavior (“my brother and sister should fuck”) feel like someone who wants validation and attention even if it’s not positive attention

Amber is Flesh too

- I think for a different reason from Pavi, she doesn’t have “inferiority” Dysmorphia that I think he has

- instead, I think Ambers behaviors are “superiority” dysmorphia (both terms I made up)

- in Ambers case she’s changing her appearance to cope with a shifting sense of self and strive for perfection caused by her notoriety and never being told no

- Amber feeds off of being desired and seen and is one of the most famous people in the known canon universe, but her blatant jealousy of Mag really depicts her motivation for perfection

- she also feeds herself to graverobber for drugs (deleted song ‘try my new parts’) I don’t care how good their surgical techniques are nobody is healing their hole that fast without hurting themselves somehow

- basically if Pavi is MAG 90 Amber is MAGP 2

Graverobber is End or Buried

- the end is for obvious reasons with corpse robbing and his lack of fear or caution around death @brainvomitintheparkinglot ‘s idea

- for buried, he’s literally a crack dealer

- he basically feeds the entire cities drug supply (trapping them in addiction that is hard to escape)

- the web usually deals with addiction but I don’t think he has manipulative or controlling motivation, he just works the system against other people

(Rottis corporation supplying everyone is the web, graverobber is a chunk of dust caught in it)

- as shown with Amber, he wont supply without money either, hypothetically pushing his clients into further debt (esp if they have geneco loans) AND addiction

- graverobber feeds off of the metaphorical suffocating nature of debt and addiction as mentioned, and well as literal suffocation

- following the drug thread, I will be treating zydrate like Heroin, in the idea it can be a powder or liquid (even though we only see it as a liquid in canon)

- like most painkilling drugs it can be assumed zydrate can induce vomit and therefore asphyxiation OR in the case of a powder that is inhaled, generally that isn’t optimal for breathing

- also graverobber is probably covered in corpse dust and like. Anthrax

Rotti is web (again, thank you @brainvomitintheparkinglot)

- his company owns the entire city (corporatocrocy)

- he literally controls everyone, his money controls his fucked up kids, and the entire system is his

- the rift with Shiloh and Nathan was organized by Rotti, and I feel like Ambers problem with Mag is somehow his fault too

- as far as I know, Mags blindness is never canonically explained, Rotti could easily be responsible like he was with Marni

- Rotti feeds off the obvious, control over everyone. He also is disappointed his kids found ways around his authority, and yet they’re STILL in his web (addicts and also fucked in the head bc of the circumstances he raised them in)

Mag is. The eye

- yeah. This one is the most direct

- I have a headcanon that she can see through cameras (how she found Shiloh) and how she seems to know all about what is happening in Shilohs life

- mag is both a victim and an avatar of the eye, she sees everything going on around her with the people she loves, but all eyes are always on her, trapping her where she is.

- literally had to do a Melanie king except she didn’t escape, the web and the eye often work in opposition in TMA while also being quite similar, she and Rotti much the same.

- “take these eyes I’d rather be blind” is an inadvertent argument with Rottis control of the web, he kills her for it

Lastly, Marni is either End or Desolation

- she’s not actually present in the film

- End is bc she died and yet is still so so important to the plot

-desolation is bc her actions are kind of why everyone in the story has issues

I could make a whole separate post on Rottis fucked up crack zydrate addicted kids

[girldragongizzard]

Epilogue 5: The Artist of Being a Dragon

In early May, I guess, Chapman and Nathan got together again at the Makerspace and made me a set of bluetooth headphones I can wear.

Because Chapman is involved, they have a mix of retro-radio and classic cyberpunk styling. They have a cherry wood finish with a gorgeous laser etched esoteric circuit print on them. The metal parts have a rose gold color. And the pads are real leather. And they are weirdly durable. I am unable to scratch them.

Still, Chapman begged me not to take them into a fight.

They're pretty special, because, like my tablet they have an indefinite battery life, and they don't block much outside sound. Wearing them is like having a surround sound system arrayed out on my rooftop, with me in the middle of it. The music can end up being louder than other noises, but if it isn't, there's nothing in particular keeping me from hearing anything else.

Before dracomorphosis, I would have preferred sound blocking headphones, to manage my sensory processing disorder. But now my ears work the way my brain expects them too, and I really need to be able to hear what's going on in the rest of the city. Especially if another dragon is calling out. Especially right now, while I'm still constructing an egg in my uterus.

I kind of feel like "uterus" is the wrong word for that, as much as I like having one. Mine's more of a fucking crucible.

"Fucking" is the operative word there, you know.

Anyway, they did this because several of my humans thought that music would help calm me down and help me bide my time between suitors and other distractions. And, I honestly really appreciate it.

So, then, Kimberly gave me Chappell Roan's "The Rise of Fall of a Midwest Princess" and holy shit. Lesbian music is Like That now?

If you were to reread my trilogy while just listening to that album, I think it would make a pretty good soundtrack and give you an overall better feeling of what it's like to me. Though, I have some other music now to add to it.

Incidentally, I've been listening to that album almost nonstop on repeat, except for when I'm exploring her other music, and going down little pop culture rabbit holes. For instance, a few days ago, I heard her cover of "What's Up?!" by 4 Non Blondes, which I absolutely remember losing my shit to when I was a teenager. So, I had to revisit their music, and that particular album, "Bigger, Better, Faster, More!".

Did you know the lead singer of 4 Non Blondes was an out lesbian while she was singing for that band?

I did not.

I would have thought at least Kurt Loder on MTV would have told me, but nope! I do not remember that happening. Maybe I missed it.

It turns out that nearly every female led band I loved when I was a teen was queer in some way. And also, like, Billie Joe Armstrong of Greenday. What?!

So, anyway, I had a little week of collecting both old and new queer music, and that's my whole playlist now. I've also got Mary Lambert in there. And Karen O and Metric, though I'm not sure if either of them are queer, but they fit in the mix really damn well anyway. Oh, oh, and Halsey's song "I'm not a woman, I'm a god." And then the Nimona sountrack led me to Santigold, and she led me down the path of Black queer artists, and now I've got Jackie Shane and Janelle Monae. And I'm asking Kimberly to hook me up specifically with trans artists.

And she's like, "Darling, I'm in five bands. Here's my Bandcamp."

If I had a bedroom wall of my own, it would be slathered with posters by now.

I've never understood that, but I do now.

We might be headed toward the latest hottest Summer on record, with an utterly devastating hurricane season to follow, and I might be a harbinger of massive evolutionary upheaval during one of the world's biggest and fastest mass extinction events, but humanity sure is showering me with the best music ever at just the right time.

Sorry if that seems like flippant disregard for events that are killing way too many people and other animals, but things are changing. It's not going to turn out the way it was going to just a year ago. The future is different now. And you're part of it.

All of this is to say, though, that on this afternoon I'm listening to that Chappell Roan cover of "What's Up?!" while lounging on my rooftop, giving everyone else a break from my intensity. And my tail is flipping back and forth to the music, kind of like a cat's. If a cat had a little single-horned thagomizer to make a satisfying thump with.

I have no visits scheduled for the next three days, and I'm just letting myself get lost in the music.

I've listened to this song enough, I might be able to sing portions of it. Not as words I understand coming from my mouth, but as music. A sort of whistling that sounds a lot like the instruments, and maybe occasionally the vocals.

I might actually be trying to do that. And it might not sound great to anyone without my headphones on, but I'm alone up here and no one can stare at me or tap my shoulder.

And yeah, some of my neighboring dragons might be complaining occasionally. Or, they're reacting to something, but I've got my eyes closed and I don't care.

And then I feel it. My Artistry sensing nerve gets plucked.

It feels like a chittering skitter, with some snaps and ratchety clicks. There's a rhythm to it that matches the music I'm listening to, and reminds me a little bit of a dolphin and a little bit of Nine Inch Nails. And in particular, I find it soothing. Soothing and energizing.

My muscles want to relax every time it repeats, and I also feel the need to look.

Which I do.

I've already pinpointed where it's coming from, so my head has turned and is tracking the source before I even open my eye.

There's an Artist in the sky.

And like Fenmere, they are a dragon.

Their colors, in the crudest of terms, are green, gold, blue, and brown. But, like, whole gamuts of each of those colors. There are too many words to pick from to describe them. They're almost opalescent in places. It's like if a forest were a sunset with wings, talons, tail, and the most glorious head of teeth, horns, wattle, eyes, and scales.

Holy crud, that face. That pattern of scales!

Have you seen the wattle and jowls of a dragon iguana? Do a search and look. It's like that, but shaped a bit different, because their head is more like a cross between a melanosuchas (a type of really cute caiman) and an ankylosaurus. And I might have more visions of more animals in my head than I've ever realized.

I'm wondering if there's more to it than nearly fifty one years of an intense special interest in dragons and animals that look kind of like us. I almost distract myself from the wonder that's circling me by thinking about this, but I really can't.

If you could just see the flight muscles at work on this creature.

The shape of those claws!

My child must —

I mean.

I don't see any kind of material offering in this person's possession, so they must be here on some other business, Artist to dragon, or dragon to dragon. Or they are mistaken about my willingness to bend on my own demands.

Unless they're carrying it in that generous crop of theirs, and they'll barf it up for me. That'd be —

Um.

This is an Artist, Meghan. Do not fuck with them.

I touch my tablet twice to turn off the music, sort of to irritate myself out of my infatuation, and manage to call out, "What?"

As I do that, I notice that I also jerk my chin up once, slightly gaping my jaw, and slam my tail down on the roof. And I know that that means exactly the same thing as the English word I've just uttered.

"I come, your Highness, bearing the gift of language for you and many enticing traits for your egg to choose from," says my latest suitor. Only, they say it by jerking their chin up twice, chirping and trilling, tilting their left wing down toward me ever so slightly, and wiggling their ass mid flight as they circle.

The "Your Highness" part is just my brain's interpretation of servile deference, and I have to say I react to it as if it is genuine and not at all embarrassing.

But, OK, as I'm succumbing to this rakish drake, I do need to take an aside to address something that's been bothering me. Irking me. In the wake of defeating a very wealthy and powerful white supremacist, it feels pretty gross to be so focused on collecting desirable genetic traits for my child. Even now, I'm reacting to it by thinking about who I should fuck next to compensate, and that's not a charitable way to think about whoever that might be.

Except, look. We're not here to breed a new master race. I do not believe we're meant to replace any lifeforms on the planet. We're here to mix things up, and inject more creative diversity back into all the species of the planet when they might need it the most. I don't know exactly how, when all we can work with at the moment are the more complex and larger animals.

But, like, imagine this. This is just a wild hypothesis I just made up on gut feelings and instinct, and maybe something that's going on between me and this draconic Artist. What if we're not actually changing anything for the current megafauna of the planet? What if what we're doing is actually on the microscopic level, with bacteria and single celled eukaryotes, with fauna, flora, and fungus? All of it? Maybe even viruses?

What if every time we have sex with another creature, we're collecting more than just their reproductive gametes, but also their microbiome? And mixing that with our own?

What if our own microbiomes are as diverse as we are? And spreading and breeding with the rest of the world on that level?

What if my child is to be a culmination of all of the life I've sampled, maybe even eaten, so that they can carry that diversity with them as they go find a new territory?

And you might worry that we might bring new and wildly dangerous diseases, and that might be the case. But we live in harmony with humans now. We are part of your lives and well being. A symbiotic relationship forged in myth and dream. What if, for those of you who are close to us, we're also sharing some of our immune system, because that's what all our microbiomes can be?

Like, all of this is just raw speculation, with no evidence sparking the thought. Just wishful thinking based on horniness and some internal sense of identity and purpose I feel I was born with. And this sex drive that makes me want to fuck everything that's willing.

With a mythological being such as myself, there's got to be a reason for that, and this is what I've come up with.

Maybe I'm lying to myself and to you, but I think we represent the opposite of what the racial purists are fighting for. That's what I want us to be, at least. I want life on Earth to live long and diverse and beautiful, and to explore all the ways it might do that.

But still, for my first time around, I'm restraining myself and focusing on people I can talk with in some way for potential mates.

And by the Shadows of the Moon, this dragon that's cruising around me is using the language of my own dreams to talk to me, and I'm talking back!

"My name is Dragon," they say. "And I am visiting every Dragon Queen to offer myself to her egg and elucidation."

Dragon. Are they the Artist of Being a Dragon? Is there such a thing?

And Dragon Queen? Is that what the whole "queen" thing has actually been about? The term we're going use for this year's egg layer? I kind of like that.

"Elucidate me, Dragon. What do you know?" I demand.

"Allow me to land."

"Do, and prove yourself."

They circle one more time and swing wide so that they can come in straight and slow to land in front of me on the very edge of my roof, giving me as much room as possible. Then they take a few steps forward, bowing their head low, tail and wings high in the air, talons to the ground. Their tail is rigid and shaking, reminiscent of the convulsions of a cloacal kiss.

The royal audacity of them!

"Go on," I say. I could dash my tablet on the sidewalk below and it would not impair my ability to speak with this one. And the only noises we're making are infrasonic to humans and quiet enough that dragons a block away wouldn't clearly hear us.

"My Art is being me, and I am very good at it," they brag. "But I did not fully understand it until nearly a year ago, during dracomorphosis. I have always been a dragon, but I did not know the word for it until it was invented. And I couldn't speak to other dragons until you existed. You have given me the meaning I've been seeking my entire life. And I am here to thank you for it."

"Humans would call you Silvertongue," I observe, masterfully withholding my true feelings behind a mask of indifference, I think. But, ooh, if they aren't lying, that's some valuable information! "Tell me more. But drop the act."

I feel their skittering shift, and then they lick the air with a tongue that is silver colored.

"Like the grandest of stories, I can change my shape to resemble any creature I like. My form is as malleable as your own voice, and so is yours. You can already take another form. I can and will gladly teach you the rest of that skill, and set you on the path to exploring it for yourself," they report. "Also, anyone who drinks a portion of my blood can speak to any animal, including humans. And I am prepared to give that gift to you, should you accept it. In return, I only ask of you to accept my sweetest intercourse, and whichever of my natural traits your child wishes to retain for themself."

"You are very bad at not talking like a courtly suitor," I comment.

"I am a courtly suitor, My Queen," they say, bowing again.

"You are also an Artist, and I've been told not to trust Artists. By other Artists," I say.

"Wise," they admit. "I would tell you the same. I would tell you not to trust me. But you need not. If I offend you at any point, strike me down and consume my body. I will let you."

My body is telling me that I have never heard anything so hot in my entire life. I feel myself going a little crosseyed with it.

I take a very deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose, knowing that even that gesture is an expression that speaks volumes to Dragon, here.

Also, I have to say. As a trans person and therian who has experienced a significant amount of physical dysphoria, this talk of my child choosing their own physical traits from the samples I collect for them? The idea that they could have some kind of agency before they even exist? That's making me melt, even if I don't know if it's true.

I want it to be true.

Still, I feel like I should test this individual definitively somehow. Something to get them to show me their true devotion. I want the dragon magic that they say they can teach me, but if I already have it I can figure it out myself. No, it has to be something personal for them.

But what?

Oh. I know what I need, actually.

I reach for my tablet and use it to message Rhoda. And I make Dragon wait so that I can tell her, "I have a strange Artist here courting me. They call themself Dragon." I look meaningfully up at Dragon, then back down at the tablet and send the question, "May I ask you to judge them in your own way, and give me or revoke your consent for them to court me? I'll take any answer, including figure it out myself. I just wanted you to have a say, if you want it."

After a little bit, I get the reply, "Meghan, that's a lot."

"It is," I reply. "I am a little overwhelmed and about to say, 'yes'."

"Cool yourself, and make them wait," she tells me. "I'm on my way up now. I want to get a look at them."

"Thank you. I love you," I respond.

I get a black heart emoji in return. It's her thing for me when she's too busy to type anything else, and she's being reassuring.

"Wait," I tell Dragon.

"Very well," they reply.

And we both settle down and loaf. They're smiling. I'm not. I'm watching them like they might steal my food.

Then I think, Rhoda shouldn't have to open that hatch by herself, so I get up, keeping on eye on Dragon, and go to open it for her.

I'm well ahead of her movement, of course. She takes the elevator, and I'd expect nothing else of her. But also, she doesn't walk all that fast. And I sit there on my haunches, resting on my foreknuckles, tail wrapped around me, watching Dragon.

Eventually, I hear her cane. And then she softly curses before climbing the ladder, cane clanging against it, and coming into view.

I hold up a limp-wristed claw for her to use as a handhold, and then gently help to lift her out of the hatch, so she can step easily onto the roof.

And she steps forward and hunches over her cane and squints at Dragon.

"Can you talk, or do you need a device?" Rhoda asks.

I feel that stuttering shift again, and then Dragon replies, "I can talk."

"You're too fancy," she states.

"I am the Artist of Being a Dragon," Dragon responds. "How else can I be?"

"Crude. Monstrous. Of the people," Rhoda tells them. She gestures expansively at Fairport, and I know she's indicating my neighbors. "You know. Good qualities."

"Ah."

"Eh," she waves a hand at them. Then she turns and heads back toward the hatch. Stopping there, she looks up at me and says, "This isn't my business. This is dragon stuff. It's up to you."

I expected her to say something like that, but I still feel an incredible amount of disappointment. I don't want our relationship to be that divided, particularly over this. She matters to me, and the impact that I have on her life matters to me. Since I am going to lay an egg and see to it that it hatches, I want that child to be as compatible with her as possible. If she wants nothing to do with my child, that's fine. I just want her to have every opportunity to negotiate that relationship herself! I want her to know that it is her business if she wants it to be.

This breaks my resolve and I feel the need to tell her. Before I can stop myself, I'm stretching to reach my tablet and pull it within talking range to say, "I want this be your child too. If you want."

The look on her face startles me, such an intense mix of emotions, and she asks, "How?"

"Somehow," I respond. "Maybe Chapman help."

She is fully informed by now about how my breeding works. She knows I'm opening myself up to every dragon in town, and why, and she agrees with it. And she knows I've marked myself as not open to humans on my app account. And I've already said multiple times I intend to take all of the childcare into my own claws and mouth. I'll accept help from my family, meaning her and my other humans, but I won't expect it. It should be disappointingly light work, in any case.

She closes her eyes and relaxes every muscle with an exhale of breath, then turns more calmly and looks at Dragon again.

"I can see what you see in them," she says. "I imagine they can teach you a lot, too, of course. And the more we both know, the better." She squints at me with a grim but satisfied smile, considering me in some way, and then points at Dragon and addresses them, "You. Come down to our apartment and have dinner with us. You and I have gotta talk some shit before I let you court my girl, you hear?"

"Yes, Ma'am," says Dragon.

"That's a good start." Then she turns to me, "And you. You shoulda asked me sooner. But I get why you didn't. You were thinking of me and tryin' a give me space, and I appreciate that. But you should know that if you hadn't a asked just now, we'd a had a talk later tonight." She grins, looking really smug. "And it sounds like it mighta gone well anyway."

—

After a long talk with Dragon, I decide I do not want to be able to talk to or understand seagulls, so I forgo that particular offer. Even if it means I won't ever be able to speak a human language fluently, I'm fine with that. I can fully speak and understand draconic now, and people can learn that if they need to.

[mariacallous]

One morning, my wife suggested I look into making a different kind of bread. Not necessarily to replace my weekly challah habit, but just to try something new. I asked what she has in mind and she mentioned monkey bread. I’d never heard of it. 

So, I Googled and turns out that monkey bread is actually a yeasted cake. Its origins are rooted in the immigrant Hungarian Jewish community that came to the United States. I immediately thought of my father’s grandparents, Jews who immigrated from the former Austro-Hungarian empire. I texted my father and sure enough he remembered his grandmother, Bertha Stern, making him what she called Hungarian coffee cake, but what many call aranygaluska.

Aranygaluska looks something like a bundt cake without the donut hole and the splash of powdered sugar. That’s because the goodness lies within, where the warm, gooey jam awaits between doughy dumplings covered in butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Aranygaluska has all the characteristics of a dessert but can just as easily go down with your morning cup of coffee.

Jewish Food Historian, Gil Marks, included aranygaluska in his “Encyclopedia of Jewish Food,” noting the arrival of the “golden dumpling” in the 1880s. Hungarian Jewish immigrants started selling it in their bakeries sometime in the mid-20th century, and it transcended Jewish foods when it was included in a 1972 edition of Betty Crocker, referred to as “Hungarian Coffee Cake,” as my great-grandmother called it. 

Eventually it became known as “monkey bread.” There’s no definitive reason why but one of the more popular theories is that the act of pulling the bread apart mimicked how a monkey picks something apart.

Joan Nathan, the matriarch of American Ashkenazi cuisine, says she first came across the recipe in George Lang’s “The Cuisine of Hungary” (1971). She also notes that replacing the walnuts with cocoa turns the dish into the wonderfully Yiddish kuchem-buchem.

I was admittedly a bit verklempt when I realized I had stumbled upon a heritage food, especially one laced with some of my favorite ingredients: cinnamon and honey. 

This is  great for an inexperienced baker because it’s a difficult recipe to screw up. As you get your dough together, it just involves taking pieces of that dough, swooshing them around in bowls of butter and cinnamon sugar, then arranging the chunks of sweetness in layers. Fill the gaps with jam and you’re set.

[theflyingpimphat]

Monthly book reviews: 2025

Reviews of 2024: https://www.tumblr.com/theflyingpimphat/772473279372017664/december-2024-the-obelisk-gate-spiderlight-myth?source=share

To reduce my book pile of shame, I do short reviews of the books read every month, as part of the reading challenge is to finish at least two a month. The books read and reviewed are mostly sci-fi and fantasy of variable age. The synopses and reviews are put under the cut to preserve space; they also contain spoilers.

January 2025

When Harry met Chunglie: It was Murder; The Return of Nathan Brazil; Player of Games

When Harry met Chunglie: It was Murder, Jack Q. McNeil

Language: English

Synopsis: Chunglie, a cybernetically-augmented, vaguely centipede-like alien wakes up in the cargo department of a spaceship, together with a bunch of other people who turned out to be drugged and locked up there. After they manage to get out of the cargo, they discover that a bunch of people on the ship are dead, and that its course is set to crash into a planet in a few hours. Chunglie and Harry, an investigator whose father didn't want to break with a naming tradition just because he had a daughter, try to find out who was involved in the crime and how to prevent the crash.

Review: A fairly short and amusing murder mystery which I regret to have read after finishing writing the 18. A to Z episode, as it was thematically similar. A lot of the humour stemmed from Chunglie not understanding humans, like asking if they reproduce asexually when noticing there is one person more than previously counted. The clues to who did it were either laid out poorly, or I haven't noticed them properly, considering I don't usually read murder mysteries. I'm certainly excited to see what will follow.

The Return of Nathan Brazil, Jack L. Chalker

Language: German (Rückkehr auf die Sechseckwelt)

Synopsis: Around 700 years after the previous book's events, a mind-controlling microorganism begins to take over the Milky Way's population. A war between the possessed and the uninfected breaks out, brought to an end with a weapon engineered from Zinder's research, which deletes an area of sime-space and everything inside it. While it wins the war, the hole starts to grow and will comsume the entire universe at some time, unless it damages the Wellworld computer and causes its end even earlier. To stop the process, Mavra Chang and Obie have to find Nathan Brazil, the only person who is able to fix the already damaged computer and the spacetime hole. While they manage to find him with the aid of Olympian cultists, he at first refuses to do it, because it would require the computer to be rebooted and with it, the universe would cease to exist. After he is convinved that ending it now and allowing the universe start anew is better than having it end irreparably after a few millenia, the ensemble travels to the Wellworld and undergoes the usual process of being assigned to a random hexagon and being transformed into its native intelligent species. Their plan to get Brazil to the Well of Souls involves the world being flooded with the cultists, which leads to the natives defending themselves against the new arrivals, ultimately ending with Brazil's death.

Review:

The ending of the book makes it pretty obvious that the story stretches over two ooks, even more obviously than the last two books. The Wellworld was visited lately in the book, but it was nice to see how the galaxy looks like for a change.

Player of Games, Iain M. Banks

Language: English

Synopsis: Partially because of boredom, partially because of being blackmailed by a drone after having been talked into cheating by it, Jernau Gurgeh embarks on a flight to the Azad Empire to compete in the game of Azad, a highly-complex game that determines the rank of those competing in it. At first he is seen as entertaining, but since he keeps winning, there are attempts to stop him, like assassination attempts, coercing him into bets to have him castrated or offering an island complete with an estate and slaves if he drops out. Gurgeh manages to stay in the game up until playing against the emperor, who would rather kill the entire entourage including himself rather than losing; it turns out that he was told Gurgeh's win would mean the Culture would invade the Azad Empire and Gurgeh was essentially used as a gaming piece by the Culture to usher in the Empire's downfall.

Review: A massive improvement compared to Consider Phlebas. On one hand, it finally showed the Culture properly (the author was quite the visionary, predicting deepfakes and health-monitoring smartwatches), on the other hand, it avoided the previous book's shortcomings by not having any overdrawn action sequences, although some scenes did drag. It also lends itself well to analysis: the equality of Azad on paper against the reality where it's rigged in favour of the elite, how people are game pieces in the hands of the mighty, or which factors led to an outsider winning over those playing the game from birth.

[whencallstheheart]

I can honestly say that I would rewatch a season of WCTH again.

Season 11 has been so refreshing. The showrunner/writers have done their homework, and understood the assignment. It feels like they actually listened to all the fans complaints.

Every storyline has been enjoyable. Well thought out, and with no plot holes. Everything tied up nicely this season. The show is back from the Twilight Zone that was S8 & S9.

The whole cast is impeccable.

Mike's proposal to Mei was adorable and perfect.

Our feisty Fiona is coming back! I missed her.

I always thought Jeanette was involved in Lucas's shooting. I didn't think she was the Mastermind behind it all. What a twist!

Those last few scenes with Elizabeth/Nathan went from slow burn to an undying flame.

Elizabeth completely erased that horrible 'I only saw Jack in you're line from the S8 Finale.

Elizabeth's apology/reasons from pushing him away, and Nathan understanding. Both of them saying I love you, and kissing. Finally ENdgame!

Those scenes are perfect! Definitely exceed my expectations.

Can't wait to see what the Season 11 Finale has in store for all the characters and us fans.

I don't know if it's even about the fans. I genuinely think the writers were Team Nathan this whole time and it was the producers or network or some outside force that had them go with Lucas initially. Then Lindsay came in and watched everything and set out to fix it (which she has) presumably with the support of everyone now that they'd seen that couple clearly wasn't working or if it was always the plan to break them up and switch. You knows.

Jeanette being the person solely responsible was a great twist. I think everyone obviously knew she was up to no good but I certainly didn't think she had some whole secret identity and everything. So fun! What a great character.

This season has been such a gift to us all. I couldn't be happier for Nathan and Elizabeth and the future they have together! Everything feels right in the world.

[k8-marsh]

brief updates!!

thanks again everyone for being so kind :)

cafeteria:

steph:

i finished the interaction, i might change some wording or colours but it’s pretty much done for now!

victoria:

you can either choose to stay with victoria or leave with rachel (i added more story to either :-)

(whoever you sit with in the cafeteria will mean you have another interaction with them in the future, although the future hasn’t been added yet :c)

after:

added a tiny bit more plot after you leave the cafeteria as well as a choice involving nathan (this will lead to you meeting chloe in the future)

NOTE: this game isn’t really supposed to fit into a specific timeline in the original games because you can talk to some bts students and lis1 students!! it’s just for fun so you could meet a wider range of characters (and i get to avoid blame for plot holes lol). in the future, i might make games that make a bit more sense in the game’s context, for example; one centered around kate’s backstory, or what happens after you sacrifice chloe or something like that!!

[dapurinthos]

the galaxies plans, a through q:

a) prospectus: project f.e.a.r. aka 'fuck everything and run' tell the high council the identity of the sith. skedaddle. problem: the ‘do not go gentle into that good night’ of the jedi. 2nd problem: there’s a massive thought-suppressing/hiding spell located in a sekrit room of the sith shrine. any beliefs professed about the presence of sith will be believed to be a vision and receive a lecture on metaphor and not taking visions literally. STATUS: fail

b) initiative: schism cause a schism in the order so at least some of it survives OR detach the order from the republic STATUS: probably fail

c) task: prodigal son get dooku to come back to the order > problem: immune to sad tooka-kit eyes. may have to try bullying. STATUS: in-progress

d) operation: we have army at home aka convince sifo NOT to order an army > at least NO CHIPS STATUS: *seesaw hand movement

e) task: unionize the sith convince dooku, maul, ventress, savage, etc. to work together > currently: bit early but maul might be hanging around the works. search for him. tell him his brothers miss him. > post-naboo: maul might be angry about being cut in half. if he still IS cut in half. STATUS: not yet applicable

f) task: make nathan ford proud take sidious’s business, his possessions, and his name. get him mad enough to mess up > base delta zero ixigul/exegol > deep-fake a sith aka the ‘darth sakia’ plan > smear campaign STATUS: hard to do without getting killed

g) prospectus: u get 1 chosen one wrap anakin skywalker up in a bunch of ribbon and launch him at mortis while he’s still a preteen STATUS: difficulty level: hard

i) operation: DEW IT just kill palpatine! don’t think about it! just do it! > have to make sure hego damask is dead first. if not, then wait. STATUS: difficulty level: extra-hard

j) task: work WITH the law wrangle things with the coruscant security force so they investigate hego damask’s death as a murder > send vos in to that apartment STATUS: seems almost too easy

k) operation: backups need backup back-up the order with a redoubt on one of the famously ‘lost’ planets > monthly backups of the archives currently in the basement of the jedi outpost on the 3rd moon of bogden. > hrrrrg. have to tell master jo about the archives breach > we’re becoming hyperspace prospectors, everyone! STATUS: objective one achieved.

l) operation: anti-invasion interfere in the planned invasion of naboo somehow w/out it getting back to sidious or disrupting qui-gon discovering anakin on tatooine > get the datacron w/ the invasion plans from the guy at the perlemian gathering STATUS: planning

m) initiative: kill bill dooku kill dooku on geonosis as the war begins (let mace kill dooku on geonosis as the war begins). > timing must be exact STATUS: cannot think about

n) initiative: chair confiscation get that fucking mechno-chair of nute gunray’s confiscated after the invasion of naboo STATUS:

o) task: when in doubt go to the library archaeology and tax records. begin tracking from bane and zannah and cognus > location of dromund kaas deleted from archives; prophets of the dark side unlikely to accede to being pumped for information once located > drag set harth out of whatever hole he’s hiding in to get the deets on zannah STATUS: let's start at the very beginning a very good place to start: sorzus syn's journal about to be acquired.

p) task: get someone else to do it help granta omega and sana sauro assassinate palpatine STATUS: conceptual

q) prospectus: when ugnauts fly heeeyyy chiss ascendancy u want some people to teach your ozyly-esehembo to not lose their powers around puberty? have i got an offer for you. STATUS: least amount of emotions involved. highly recommend.

[aliciadurhamillustration]

Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made Analysis

Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made is a fascinating film about belief and how far a delusion might take you when presented in the right circumstances. The film begins by posing a question: Will the following “lost media” have a negative effect on you physiologically simply by viewing it?

The found media is about a young woman, Oralee, and her kid brother, Nathan, digging a hole to Hell. In the beginning, it is unclear whether both children believe what they are doing is real, or if Oralee is indulging in Nathan’s imagination. Most stories about a journey to Hell or the Underworld involve the characters literally descending underground. Orally comes up with a clever solution, claiming that the forest they are in is the place where the Devil landed when he fell from Heaven, and the hole they dig (only about five feet deep) represents a spiritual transition into five layers of Hell. This ensures that the children never have to leave their campsite in the forest and maintains a level of skepticism for the viewer.

Upon entering the forest, the children pass under an archway naturally formed from a bent tree. This represents the first “gate.” It is perhaps a coincidence that the tree looks like an entryway, but the number of coincidences throughout the story will build up providing evidence that the Hell they enter is real. It’s also no ordinary forest, it’s a suicide forest. Thus blurring the divide between the dead and the living.

They begin with a ritual to protect themselves from whatever they might encounter before they descend. It involves symbols from various religions, and the prayer that they chant is clearly made up and comes from none of the religions they are appealing to. This is an important detail because it maintains the illusion that what they are doing is make-believe, and yet it still seems to have an effect. It especially has an effect on young Nathan who chants the prayer as faithfully as that of any real-world religion.

After about a foot of digging, Nathan announces that they are in the first level. Oralee points to a squirrel, a very real creature, and claims that the squirrel is a demon in disguise. The squirrel in question is a stop-motion puppet. This is jarring to the viewer because everything else in the film lies in the realm of realism. It makes us wonder if the squirrel appears as “off” to the children as it does to the viewer. It is the first instance in which we wonder if their journey is not so make-believe after all.

Upon entering the second layer, Nathan begins seeing black figures behind the trees. The boy has been having nightmares, and it is a well-known phenomenon that people with sleep deprivation will experience hallucinations, particularly shadowy figures from the corner of the eye. Are these figures a result of Nathan's paranoia induced sleep deprivation, or are they demons?

In the third layer, there is a scene where Nathan spots a man and a woman on a canoe at night. The man is canoeing and the woman sits hunched over and naked. This scene can be interpreted two different ways. The man is a kidnapper and the woman is his victim; Or, is the man actually the ferryman, and the woman is a soul being ferried across the river Styx? It conjures up a parallel between sexual and religious experiences. Is this scene symbolic or literal? Perhaps the scene is both.

In the fourth layer they encounter Cerberus. Surely we will know if this is all real upon seeing a three headed dog; but inconveniently, the viewer is only shown a dragging chain. They also wander upon two men, which freaks Oralee out so much, she insists they end their journey short. She grabs her brother and a few things from their campsite, and flees. After some time, Oralee is perplexed to find that they have ended up at their own campsite again. Did she simply get turned around in her panic; or is Hell keeping them in that forest, and they are only able to leave by the same path they came in?

In the fifth layer the children face their final trial. They are kidnapped by the two men. The men are clearly demons. They are filthy, sexually perverse, and violent. One even sports antlers on his head that resemble horns. What's more, is they don’t speak the same language as the children. This further alienates the children from the world they came from, making them feel like they are in an entirely new world.

The final layer is the center of Hell, and so the children must pass through the fire of Satan, represented by an oven shaped in the figure of Baphomet. Nathan passes through triumphant, but Oralee is now questioning her entire reality. She is finally convinced that Nathan’s delusion is real. Nathan, covered in soot, mow looks like the very demons they have been so afraid of. She has been extremely loving towards her brother up to this point, but will her fear take over and end up getting Nathan killed?

This is an example of how far delusions can go. They can turn a skeptic into a believer. They can turn innocent children into murderers. Can they even convince a healthy person that they are about to die?

The film poses this question to the viewer once again along with an anecdote: There is an Australian Aboriginal tribe called the Arrente who execute their condemned by sending the executioner to point a bone at them. This is called bone pointing, and it is all that is needed for the condemned to be “cursed” and eventually die.

This anecdote ties the whole film together. We recall moments where Nathan looks directly at the camera. Something actors rarely do, if never. We recall the gun at the very end, pointing at the camera, and of course, the face of Astaroth.

Although one would have to have lived in the Arrente tribe their entire life in order for the psychosomatic self-willed death to work, even to an avid horror fan, the implications are unsettling. It makes me wonder how someone who truly believes in demons would respond after watching Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made.       -AD

[maya-matlin]

Hi! I’d love to hear your view on Julian and Brulian? Like other people have pointed out, he had a whole different personality initially before they decided to lean into his dorky side. But even when they wisely tried to make him adorkable, there’s just something about him I don’t fully love and trust—maybe it’s the actor’s line deliveries, or the way even as an adult he’s so fixated with a group of high schoolers from a school he didn’t even attend (a movie and then a documentary in which he inserts himself lol?!), or just how he he seemed less of a real character than just a love interest for Brooke. And honestly I thought he had more chemistry with Alex! I love the idea of Brooke with a sweet but strong dork, but as much as I like some brulian gifsets, when I actually watch their scenes they just don’t click for me. I hope this makes sense!

I like Julian fine. He wasn't one of my favorite characters, but I thought he mostly fit into later seasons OTH. But I have to admit that there were several occasions where I would compare him to Lucas. It wasn't just within his relationship with Brooke. Julian was friends with Nathan, close with Jamie (even making him his best man!), was involved with both of Lucas's main love interests and like Lucas, created media. Even though Clay was technically Lucas's replacement, Julian was the one primarily serving that role. His characterization was kind of all over the place. Like you said, Julian literally changed personalities based on the season. I'm not sure if it was a deliberate shift in the writing or if Julian's personality changed because of Austin Nichols. I have no insight on this. I haven't watched a single interview with Austin and have zero behind the scenes tea other than he dated Sophia for years.

In terms of weak performances, the worst was by far in season 9 when Julian fell into a dark hole after leaving his son in the hot car. I wasn't at all sold on the angst or Julian's pain. Julian was just selfishly throwing himself into danger and inserting himself into Nathan's kidnapping arc just to make himself feel less guilty. It didn't suit him. This is a perfect example of comparing Julian to Lucas. I completely understand that the Lucas/Dan history meant the two teaming up was highly unlikely, but Chad 100% could have pulled off the tough guy stuff in that context. Then at the very end of the series, Julian essentially replaces Lucas when he writes HIMSELF into the story of Lucas's high school life, stealing the moment where he makes the winning shot at the state championship. I mean, it was probably just Mark Schwahn's petty bullshit, but still.

LOL yeah. Looking back, Julian's introduction was kind of sketchy. To a degree, I think that was intentional. Julian showing up as Peyton's jilted ex was a misdirect. We were meant to think he was going to cause trouble for Lucas and Peyton only for him to end up with Brooke instead. So with that knowledge, it turns out Julian decided to read Lucas's book and, like the entire world apparently, realized it was the greatest story ever told and became personally invested.

You're making complete sense! I feel the same way. I'm aware Julian is a good man and was a loving, devoted husband to Brooke, but I just don't feel it. The actors were doing everything right and the writing was solid, but there's just no passion. It's nice, but it's not particularly exciting. I'm happy for Brooke, but my feelings don't go beyond that. When it comes to Julian/Alex, I pretty much agree. I'm mostly glad they never got together because their friendship was so good and genuine that it didn't need to be muddled up with relationship drama. But at the same time, they pulled me in far more than Brooke and Julian ever did.

My stance is pretty much that it should have been Brucas together with Naley in the final episode. Julian was only in Tree Hill for Brooke. Peyton wanted out of her hometown, even attempting to leave multiple times to go to Jake, and really only came back for Lucas. Both Brooke and Lucas had a lot of love and nostalgia for their small town and seemed truly happy returning to it after college. It just makes sense.

[pony-central]

Berserk Button List (Updated)

As TV Tropes states, a Berserk Button is described as "someone who appears normal. But, one small mistake leads said person to go into an unstoppable rage".

This list has been updated with new characters added

Sick PonyCentral

Any mention of Purity Senpai sends her into Anger Mode. She will shoot a powerful beam of red energy that will end up bursting a hole through your roof. She also gave him several concussions during her time at the PTIAFTC

Insulting her sister will end up with you possibly ending up in the hospital

Don't call her "Sickly Kayleigh". You will regret it instantly

If you say that purple is the worst colour, expect to lose a tooth

Talking to her about her dad will result in her setting your house on fire

Never talk shit about her green pizza

SpongeBob SickPants is a major Berserk Button to her

Don't insult Disney in front of her. She will kill you

Also don't make fun of her weight. She will not take it too lightly

Naughty PonyCentral

Saying that her x Nathan Files is a zoo ship will end up with you in the hospital, or dead

If you argue with Nathan, she will blow a hole in the roof of your house

Nathan's late father was a massive Berserk Button for her

Sick BF

Anything involving Senpai. Sick Boyfriend even kicked Senpai in the nuts due to the beef they have with each other

Don't compare him to the Bubbly Bikini Boatin Sick Boyfriend. He will beat the shit out of you

Being stuck in the same room as Senpai triggers Sick BF's anger levels. He also threatened to kill him at one point

Both of his parents are a Berserk Button, considering how his dad straight up abandoned him for 13 years. His mum had also sent him to a school where he was bullied frequently

Subverted with Pollyanna, who was his ex-bully

Whenever someone makes fun of DrugFriend, Sick Boyfriend will snap at them

Flappy Bird always makes Sick Boyfriend swear like crazy

Having the WiFi router disconnected will send him into a violent state

Sick Girlfriend is also one to him, and she still is at this point

Don't insult jawbreakers in front of him, considering the fact that they make his teeth bleed whenever he takes a full bite out of one

Don't steal his potato chips

DrugFriend

Don't insult his cooking

Saying that Taco Bell is the worst place to eat will cause DrugFriend to kill you, as he did so with a gang of thugs who insulted the restaurant

Among Us is one Berserk Button for DrugFriend. He once played as a Crewmate, and he had a rage-quitting moment where he smashed his computer

Anything that involves the danger of his friends

Don't steal his beanie

Freund XML

Dare to insult his hometown and you will be met with a knife to your shins

If you state that FNF is cringe as hell, he will beat the crap out of you

If you lie to him, he will shout the F word at you in a blind rage

Insulting his family is a big no no

Trying to do therapy with him while talking ABOUT his dead mum will result in him slamming his hands on the table

Don't hurt his girlfriend in any way, or make her cry. He will kill you

Nathan Files/Naughty Boyfriend

Haters

His dead dad was one to him

If you insult his girlfriend (Naughty PonyCentral), or cause her to cry, expect Nathan to kick you in the stomach until you throw up your lunch

Having a pizza delivered late to his house will make him very impatient

Georgia NoLastName was one to him prior to the events of LAFB The Sequel

PonyCentral

Cobalt Bee is a massive Berserk Button for her. PonyCentral will NOT hesitate to give CB a verbal warning to leave her the fuck alone, while holding a grudge against the bee

Don't say that the ice cream machine at McDonald's is broken. She will scream into a pillow

Don't make her mad, due to her autism

Whatever you do, DO NOT BRING UP HER CONTROVERSY. She will block you immediately

Don't give her any cardboard boxes. You will regret it

Boyfriend

If you steal his Donut Stash, then he will shout and/or swear at you

Him losing a rap battle is no big deal. But if you kiss his girlfriend, then you're on thin ice

Telling Girlfriend his secrets will result in him giving you a death glare

Cave Boyfriend/Dee Dee Warnings

If you're a transphobic person, CBF will kill you

Saying that they should be a boy instead of a transgender icon will result in you being arrested

Rufus Cole/Young Boyfriend

Insult strawberry ice cream, and you will have your legs broken

Heck, even stating that VANILLA ice cream is better will result in your fingers being bent the wrong way

Deny him a Happy Meal, and he will punch you in the face

Baxter Wow/BF Wow

Vance. Just Vance.

If you insult his singing voice, he will beat you up

Burn his fries, and you will lose your lives

Evan Barsham/YBS Boyfriend

Making him late to school will get you arrested

YourBoySponge is one for him for no reason whatsoever

Leave a funeral or a wedding, and he will swear at you

Freundin's Berserk Button is losing a rap battle

Sick Patrick

Don't call him tubby

Stating that he can't date Sick PonyCentral will result in him beating you up

Also, deny him a Krabby Patty, and you will end up going to the dentist

Insulting Sick PonyCentral results in him insulting you back

FNF Convict Boyfriend

He will devour your soul if you insult his species

Being a jerk to him will result in him enslaving mankind

Corruption Insanity Evil Boyfriend

Don't mock his species. He will kill you

Demon DrugFriend in general despite having a decent friendship with him

Sleep during a rap battle, and he sings aggressively. Interrupting him is what gets him to start swearing at you

DDTO Boyfriend

The DDLC girls in general

Call him worthless ends with his microphone up your butt

Dave Sides/D Side Sick Boyfriend

Insulting yellow causes him to lash out at you

Calling him ugly will result in him killing you or beating you up

Benedict Gumballs/Popsicle Boyfriend

Sick Boyfriend trying to eat him is a Berserk Button for him

Don't forget to give him his spare gumball eyes. You will regret it if you don't

Grayson Humerus/SpingeBill Boyfriend

Don't call him crazy. He will attack you

Don't steal his hat. You will end up dead

[toast-tales]

i'm decently sure this counts as worldbuilding, but i'm so fascinated by the idea of the children living in the human city. what must their lives be like? they don't have the same memory loss problem as humans who drop into the giant world. do the adults around try to make things as "normal" as possible, even with the knowledge that they'll probably never leave the settlement they're currently in? what does education for them look like, beyond foundational, standard stuff? what's their awareness of the world they live in? do any of them hang out with sybil, or do parents/guardians warn them away?

speaking of the kids in the city: alice and stan's son. what are things like for him as he gets older, that much more tied to the outside world just by virtue of how his parents came to be at the human city? obviously the main trio aren't at sybil's house all the time, but with christopher and nathan's jobs (not to mention everyone's friendships with some of the humans who live there), they'd probably be around enough as time passed to watch chris grow up, right?

i'll be perfectly honest, this is also because the idea of danny, christopher, and nathan being "cool older sibling" figures just made my heart warm. or like. those friends of your parents who you call aunt and uncle even though they're not blood related. either way!

Oh, I really love talking about the children in the human city - I think it's kind of a fascinating thing to think about.

I think the adults really try to provide as "normal" a life as possible for the children there, even if they do live in a rather closed system. They have access to a sort of...pardon my technological ignorance, but I think it's a sort of intranet? That connects them to other human cities, but not the giant world at large. Children can travel to other human cities, but that's not usually recommended unless necessary, so most of them never actually leave Sybil's house.

Sybil is usually also the only giant most of them know, considering most other HRA employees don't stay for long and only stop by for errands. I'd say it depends on the parent, but certainly some of them try to instill a healthy amount of fear in their children on the subject of giants, or discourage them from visiting with Sybil. But it's also agreed upon (generally, though some disagree) that learning about giants is crucial as part of the education in the human city, which does involve taking the children to visit with Sybil, who helps with those lessons. I'd say almost all the children have a positive view of Sybil as a result. For most, she's their only experience with giants, after all. Many of the children aren't taught about the...well, harsher realities of the giant world until they're older.

And good ol' Chris Jr (referred to as such for now for the sake of convenience). Christopher, Nathan, and Danny don't visit every weekend, but certainly most weekends, and Alice, Stan, Maria, and Ryan are still quite commonly seen visiting them as well - and of course, this means that Stan and Alice's son gets to come along. There's likely no other child in the human city who will have so much exposure to giants as he will. The trio love him to death. Christopher poked a lot of holes in his fingers trying to sew a baby blanket for a human. They're absolutely the "cool older siblings" for this lucky kid.

Danny has no plans to ever have children, and the truth is that Christopher and Nathan will likely not have children of their own either, due to the nature of their work. So, perhaps as a result, they absolutely dote on this child and spoil them rotten. I think it probably also feels a little bittersweet for Christopher, who's had bad experiences as a child and with his own father figure, to be able to provide something gentler and kinder to this child that's not his, but who is able to thrive as a result of his actions.

When Chris Jr. gets a little older, he'll probably get to travel a bit more than the other kids, even if it's just to Red Tree or Christopher's house - Maria and Ryan already have a habit of going home with Christopher and Danny every now and then, and as Chris Jr. gets older, I'm sure Alice and Ryan would want their child to see just a little more of the world, if he could. Danny would love to show the little guy around and play with him (and get into trouble with him).

As for what else happens as he gets older, and how he compares to the other children in the human city...gosh, that feels like it could be a story of its own. But he's certainly going to have two giant uncles who would kill for him, and what more could you ask for?