#it would be like saxton hale
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
cherenkovafterdark · 2 months ago
Text
Two words
Hairy robots
That is all
6 notes · View notes
luridcomixofthenuit · 1 year ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
i was looking at sexy firefighter calendars on pinterest and i got real excited ok???
474 notes · View notes
cartoonguy08 · 3 months ago
Text
You guys will not believe who I’m thinking about drawing, after SO LONG (the last one was Miss Pauling I think)
Tumblr media
Jessica Rabbit x Rodger Rabbit ahh ship
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THO HELL YEAH SOLDIER AND ZHANNA
76 notes · View notes
hop-a-lot · 2 years ago
Note
i thoroughly enjoy ur festive saxton pfp. no pressure, but saxwell christmas would be hella sweet. mistletoe, baking cookies, whatever it may be. i just like them a lot and am super normal about ur art wwaaaahhh!!!!!
:') you've just gave me an opportunity to post about them yipeeee
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
1K notes · View notes
charliesinfern0 · 8 months ago
Text
the only two f/os I would consider getting married to are korosensei and daniil. and even then it wouldn’t be like stereotypical marriage there wouldn’t be a ceremony or anything it’s just like ok we’re married now because we said so. awesome
3 notes · View notes
beepiesheepie · 10 months ago
Text
I do have Ideas for Bidwell and Saxton in my Elden Ring au, in The Land Of Shadow, and while the scenes in my head are cool and great I imagine writing it would be boring and reading it would be boring because 99% of fights (bosses and normal regular enemies) would be "Saxton Hale punches the shit out of everybody and Bidwell is There"
0 notes
the-teufort-nine · 8 months ago
Note
may i rq a scenario with any of the mercs where they find reader injured when respawn's down. maybe bc of an accident or an ambush. i like angst as long as its ok in the end
HOLY SAXTON HALE ANON THIS ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME!
This isn't explicitly romantic, but you could definitely interpret it as being romantic if you want! You're def the team's fave <3
Anyways, enjoy about 8400 words of hurt/comfort goodness and the Blu team being pathetic lil meow meow when they think you're dead dead.
Mercs x GN!Reader | Respawn Malfunction
ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ Hurt/Comfort | SFW | Cw: starvation, temp character death, excess drinking, animal death ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ
Featuring:
Everyone! Even Miss Pauling is here!
Scenario: During the last few moments of a match, Blu team's Respawn Machine suddenly malfunctions, with you inside! Left reeling by the loss of their Chemist, the team attempts to cope. A week later, Miss Pauling receives a most unexpected phone call...
Tumblr media
There had been no warning.
If there had been, then the sharp eyes of RED and BLU’s Engineers would have certainly caught it. Unfortunately, the Respawn Machine had been just as reliable as ever for the entire match, bringing the mercenaries back from the great beyond time and time again, just as it had been designed to do.
Scout and Soldier had just been revived when it happened; the two men taking a moment to shake off the inevitable rush of nausea that came from going through the unholy machine. An Ubercharged Heavy had taken both them and their teammate, Y/N, known officially as the Chemist, out as the hulking giant made a final push to capture one of their points, and both BLU men knew it was only a matter of time before they heard the biting voice of the Administrator informing them of their failure.
Scout scuffed his sneaker against the concrete floor of the Respawn Room as Soldier launched into a furious rant, leaning against the wall as he waited for Y/N to come through, knowing that they'd been killed only a moment after him. He sighed when felt the gentle pulse of the machine as it vibrated like a speaker, getting ready to return his friend to the world of the living.
SKREEEEEECHHHH- BOOM!
A blast of hot air sent the two men crashing into the wall, stunning them momentarily. It was Soldier who regained his wits first, the BLU quickly pushing up his helmet and looking back at the source of the damage in shock and mounting horror. 
“Aeughhhh… what da hell just happened?” Scout moaned, one of his hands rubbing against his throbbing forehead. He blinked, his blurred vision slowly clearing, and as he regained his sight, his eyes began to widen.
Respawn was on fire.
Flames licked hungrily at the walls as they spread out further from the Respawn Machine, with the contraption itself bathed in white and blue hues, the intense heat making quick work of what hadn't been destroyed in the explosion. Shards of complex metals and pools of gleaming Australium were littered all over the room, reflecting the light of the fire.
“HOLY CRAP!” Scout yelped, adrenaline coursing through his body as he attempted to scramble up off the floor.
His voice jolted Soldier out of his shocked state, and he shot a hand out to grab the back of Scout's shirt and yank him along as he made for the door. 
“Emergency! Cease fighting immediately!” The Administrator's voice boomed out over the battlefield, the old woman's voice sounding more shocked than stern for once. 
Scout finally found his footing as he pulled out of Soldier's grip, spinning around to stare at the encroaching flames. Fear roiled in his gut like an angry serpent as his disoriented mind finally allowed the reality of their situation to sink in. Respawn was gone. 
Death was permanent once again.
“Private, this is no time to be standing around! We need to go!”
They could die. For real.
“Scout!”
If they'd come through only a moment earlier, they wouldn't have come back at all. 
Wait…
“Solly, where's Chem?”
Soldier paused in his attempt to drag Scout down the hall, his gaze snapping back towards Respawn. He hadn't seen them when he'd grabbed Scout, too focused on getting away from the rapidly approaching fire, but he'd assumed that they were right behind him.
“They probably snuck past us! They're sneaky like that.” he replied. That had to be it! Otherwise that would mean they…
Scout looked down the hall, searching for any sign of the Chemist, before looking back towards Respawn, his face paling. He jerked forward, sprinting towards the blaze. 
“Chem! Chem, hang on!” Scout yelled, reaching the doorway in only a few seconds, his eyes desperately searching for where his friend could possibly be. 
The room was as empty as it had seemed before. There was no trace of the Chemist, alive or dead, to be found in the room. 
They hadn't made it through.
“What in the Sam Hill is goin’ on here?!”
Scout wrenched himself away from the door as he heard his teammates gasp behind him. Engineer was up by his side in an instant, his mechanical hand gripping the doorframe so hard it cracked the material. He pushed his goggles up, and Scout could see real fear in the other's eyes.
“Vhat zhe hell happened? Zhe Respavn Machine vas fine only moments ago vhen I came through!” Medic said, pausing as he looked at Scout, who was trembling. Gently, the doctor led the young man away from the fire, “Scout? Are you alright? Vere you injured?”
“Chem’s gone.” was Scout's quiet reply.
“Vhat?”
“They was suppose’ta come through after me ‘n Solly, but Respawn went up in flames before they could come through.” the runner's voice was shaky and hollow, and he leaned more of his weight against Medic as his legs started to feel less dependable than usual, “They're gone. Like, gone gone.”
The gathered mercenaries went quiet, the only sounds being that of the crackling flames and Scout and Soldier's laboured breathing.
“DAMN IT!” Engineer bellowed, throwing his hard hat onto the ground, “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!”
Medic closed his eyes, bringing a gloved hand up to his face as a wave of grief crashed down on him. He'd been rather fond of their newest teammate, glad to have someone around who was as interested in risky experiments as he was. The Chemist had often taken up many of the smaller, more neglected duties around the base, such as cooking proper meals and making sure that Medic's less used medical supplies stayed topped up, in case of emergencies. They'd also been of great help in wrangling some of his more… problematic patients, using their charms (or stealth) to herd them into the Medbay for check ups or shots.
He watched them die every day, but this was different. This was permanent. The machine he and Engineer had worked so hard to build, the one that had allowed them to cheat death time and time again, had finally taken its pound of flesh. Y/N had been taken from them, from him, before he'd been ready to let them go.
Now, this usually wouldn't have been a problem; committing sins against both God and nature was something he did quite often and with great delight, and he was sure he could wrest Y/N back from the afterlife, provided that he had access to their body.
And therein lay the problem. There was no body. Respawn hadn't even spat them out half formed or thrown them into the flames, it had simply not reconstructed them. Whatever remained of the Chemist was likely nothing more than a partially formed mist of human remains that had burned up almost instantaneously.
The tenth class was no more, and there was nothing Medic could do.
“Aw, hell,” Engineer gritted out finally, looking back at his teammates with a tired, beatdown expression, “Christ, someone go ‘n track down a fire extinguisher. If we don't get this under control soon, we'll all end up dead.”
Seeing an opportunity to both flee the horrific scene and be useful, Scout ran off like a bat out of Hell, skidding around a corner and disappearing from sight. Soldier, who was being uncharacteristically quiet and still, made to follow him, but Engineer stopped him before he could take more than a few steps.
“Hold on, pardner. I need you to round everyone up and let ‘em know what- what happened.” the southerner swallowed hard, trying his best to push down his emotions for the time being, “The last thing we need right now is to lose someone else because someone did somthin’ stupid and got themselves killed.”
Soldier thought of how often Demo tested his equipment after their daily battles, especially after a loss, and stopped only long enough to give Engineer a salute before rushing off, determined not to lose any more teammates.
“Gott, vhat a mess.” Medic whispered hoarsely, mentally preparing himself for the utter shit show that was inevitably coming their way. The Chemist had been a friend to all of them, even to Spy, who pretended that he didn't care, and losing them was going to be hard on everyone.
Personal loss wasn't something the mercenaries were used to, lulled into a sense of security, of immortality, by the Respawn Machine. After all, why be afraid of death when you knew that you would be back in what felt like only an instant? None of them ever considered that Respawn might fail one day.
“C’mon, Doc. We can't stay here.” Engineer said, leading his co-worker-turned-friend away from the fire.
Tumblr media
“Ack!” 
You yelped as you tumbled face first out of Respawn, hitting the floor hard and fast. You hissed in pain, pushing yourself up and rubbing a hand over your aching face. Instinctively, you check over the various vials of chemicals you have strapped to your person, praying that your odd tumble hasn't resulted in anything breaking.
A sigh of relief passes your lips as you determine nothing to be out of place or wrecked. You pulled yourself to your feet, stretching and cracking your knuckles. Christ, the RED Heavy must have gotten you good that time, because you felt just awful. Exhaustion made you slouch slightly, and your stomach ached something fierce.
After bracing yourself for the inevitable screech of the Administrator's voice telling you that you had failed, you allowed your eyes to fall open, expecting to see Scout and Soldier's sour faces.
An unfamiliar room greeted you, wooden planks replacing the expected concrete. Dust lingered around the space, and your only company was a chittering raccoon, which startled and ran off upon seeing you.
What the fuck was going on?
“Hell-o?” you called, confusing coloring your tone, “Scout? Soldier? Anyone?”
Silence greeted you. Not even the sound of gunfire and shouting could be heard, only the sound of a fierce wind blowing outside.
Thoroughly confused and more than a little creeped out, you stepped out of Respawn, head constantly swiveling about as you called for your teammates. However, no matter how much you yelled, no one ever responded. No matter how much you searched, you couldn't find anyone. No matter how much you listened, not a soul could be heard.
“What the fuck. What the fuck.” you chanted, rubbing your arms. It was so cold here, and your outfit was designed for the New Mexico heat. 
Your breaths came in steamy puffs, and you could feel goosebumps prickling along your arms as you made your way towards what you hoped was the Intel Room. Whatever it was that was going on, you were too tired and too sore to try and puzzle it out. If this was some kind of elaborate prank, you were going to kill whoever was responsible, because the last thing you wanted to deal with after such a rough day was this creepy bullshit.
Finally, after a solid hour of getting lost within this bizarre, wintery base, you managed to find the Intel Room. A phone, blue in colour, sat mounted on the wall only a few feet away. Wasting no time, you dialed the number Miss Pauling had given you to use if there was ever an emergency, or if Engineer and Medic started spending too much time together again. (The last time they'd gone unchecked for too long, the base had become overrun by something they called Spycrabs. It took weeks for you and your team to get rid of them, though you were fairly certain both Spy and Pyro had managed to hide one to keep as a pet.)
“Aperture Bakery, where the cake definitely isn't a lie! This is Tammy speaking, how can I help you?” an obviously fake cheery voice greeted you after only two rings, and you smiled slightly.
“Jesus, Pauling, I think that's your worst ‘wrong number’ persona yet.” you groused, no real venom in your voice.
“...Y/N?” Miss Pauling’s voice suddenly became very soft and disbelieving, something you'd never heard it do.
You frowned, your brow furrowing. “Yeah, that's me, last I checked. I thought you were supposed to call me Chemist, though?”
“Holy shit, you're alive?!” she shouted, the volume causing you to pull back slightly, “How are you alive?!” 
“Uhhhhh,” you stammered, completely at a loss as to how you were supposed to respond, “I… I breathe? And eat? And sleep? Jeez, Pauling, I don't know what you want from me here.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, one that lasted so long, you began to worry Miss Pauling had hung up on you.
“Hello?” you tried.
“Oh! Shoot, sorry, I'm still here! I just-” there was a sound like papers being moved, “Chemist, what is the last thing you remember?”
“Losing the point and getting shot to pieces, why?” Was this a test? Had you already failed somehow?
“Right, yeah, okay that makes sense.” Miss Pauling took a deep breath, and you shifted uncomfortably, sensing that something was wrong.
“Chemist, Y/N, you've been declared dead for just over a week now.” 
The phone slipped from your grasp, and it was only years worth of training and quick reflexes that kept it from smashing into the wall. You gripped the phone right, pressing it tightly into your ear as you spoke. “I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right, Miss Pauling. Would you mind repeating that?”
“You were dead, Chemist. Something happened to BLU’s Respawn Machine, and it was completely destroyed before you could come back. I- I don't know how or why it took so long for you to come back this time, but I'm so glad you did.”
You all but collapsed onto the wall, your free hand tangling itself in your hair. You'd died? Like, died for real? The thought made your stomach turn, and you had to suppress the urge to vomit.
“Pauling, Christ, I-” you swallowed, breathing in through your nose, “Is everyone else okay? Oh God, please tell me no one else… died.”
“No, no, no! Everyone's- well they're not fine, but they're all alive. The Administrator called for an emergency ceasefire the minute she saw what happened, and both teams got the message pretty quickly that something was wrong. The ceasefire is still in effect, since everyone needs to be relocated to one of the other base locations.” Miss Pauling replied.
You audibly sighed in relief, tension leaving your body as you uttered a soft ‘Oh, thank God.’ “I think that's where I ended up. One of the other bases, I mean. It's fucking freezing here, Pauly.”
“Shit, you're that far out?” Miss Pauling sucked in a breath through her teeth, “Okay, just- just stay put, alright? There's not going to be any supplies there, so just fine somewhere warm and try not to move too much. I'm going to come get you, okay?”
“Okay.” you replied, smiling slightly as you heard her immediately begin to gather various items on her desk, “Thank you, Miss Pauling. I know you're busy.”
“I'm never too busy for my mercenaries, especially when they manage to defy all logic and cheat death more than they usually do.” a warm, fuzzy feeling settled in your chest at her words, and it remained even after you hung up. There was something so viscerally pleasing about being wanted, about having someone care for you.
Worn out from your return to the living world, you peeled yourself away from the wall and wandered around the base a bit, before locating what had to be the common room. A couch and a few chairs were tucked in around an unlit fireplace. There wasn't anything around to burn, and you didn't feel up to going out to find something suitable, so you chose instead to simply curl up on the couch. Once you laid down, it was as if all of your strength left your body. The aches and pains that plagued you became more apparent, and your stomach growled and gurgled loudly. You were starving, but as Miss Pauling had said, there was no food at the base, and you certainly weren't going to be able to hunt any animals that might be scuttling around.
Resigning yourself to a fitful sleep and an empty stomach, you closed your eyes and pressed yourself in closer to the back of the couch, slowly drifting off into a light slumber.
Tumblr media
The BLU base had never been so quiet. It was not a calm quiet, like one might find if they walked into a library, or in a room full of people simply enjoying each other's company while they entertained themselves, but rather a tense, unnatural quiet. A mercenary base with nine men living in it should have been full of noise and movement, but each member of the BLU team seemed more than happy to break away from the norm today.
Engineer was holed up in his workshop, pouring over blueprints, both new and old, determined to find some flaw, some imperfection, some failure, that could give him an answer as to why the Respawn Machine had gone up in flames. He needed to find the problem so that he could fix it. He couldn't leave things as they were; everyone, even the RED team, once they'd found out what had happened, felt unsafe going through any of the Respawn Machines, since no one knew what exactly had gone wrong.
Medic was working himself to exhaustion right alongside him, while also fretting over packing up his birds and equipment on such short notice. They weren't due to rotate out to another base for another month, but the accident had pushed the timeline up to a few days. What's more is that he needed to review the applications for a new Chemist, though he'd been putting that particular task off for as long as possible. He'd never once needed to replace a teammate, nor had he ever expected to. The process of both finding someone who was Respawn compatible and willing to fight and die everyday was an arduous one indeed, and Medic could feel a stress induced migraine begin to come on whenever he even glanced at the paperwork.
Heavy had been trying his best to help Medic prepare for the move, but he, like everyone else, was feeling the effects of their friend's sudden death. He kept expecting to hear their voice coming from the kitchen, or to see them waltz through a door with some manner of bubbling condition held in their arms. Often, he caught himself setting out the supplies for two sandviches, only realizing his mistake when he had plated the food. 
Pyro had firmly planted themselves in the Chemist's room, taking special, delicate care to pack up their things into neat little boxes. When Medic had gently floated the idea of reusing their supplies for the next Chemist, Pyro had chased the doctor around the base with their fire axe. There were drawings of the two of them taped carefully to the wall, gifted to the Chemist by the resident firebug, and Pyro left them for last, wanting to keep pretending that they were simply packing up to move like the rest of them. When they'd nearly finished, Pyro noticed that the Chemist's uniforms, which had been folded up on their friend's bed, had mysteriously disappeared. They'd panicked for a moment, before the faint smell of cigarette smoke filtered through their mask.
Sure enough, the clothes were returned the following morning, freshly washed, dried, and without any wrinkles. Any and all holes or rips had been carefully hand stitched with expert precision. There was also a single rose lovingly tucked into one of the pockets on the outfit the Chemist wore most frequently.
Demo could often be found in the company of Soldier, sitting out on some roof or bridge, nursing his tenth or so bottle. Soldier didn't drink nearly as much, but when he inevitably did get drunk, only he and Demo knew about the few tears that would slip down his cheek. Neither acknowledged it, nor the sinking fear of having to inevitably go through Respawn again that sat like lead bullets in their guts.
Scout ran to ignore that same sense of fear and loss, to push it down into the deepest parts of himself. He ran from sunrise to sunset, pausing only when he absolutely needed to. Sometimes, when he would stop, panting and sweating and one small breeze away from toppling over, if he was in just the right spot at just the right time, he'd catch a glimpse of Sniper, tucked away on some far off cliffside or peering down from a tall, rickety building. The marksman hadn't been seen in the base proper since the accident, but he was always around somewhere, watching day and night to ensure nothing happened to his remaining teammates during the ceasefire.
So it was no wonder that it was him who first spotted a frantic looking Miss Pauling as she parked her scooter and dashed off towards one of the base entrances.
Curious, Sniper pushed himself up out of his hiding place, ignored the burning sensation that rippled through his taunt, stiff muscles, and started to make his way down to the base. He didn't make any attempt to soften his footsteps, but he also didn't call any attention to himself. The dark haired woman had been heading for Engineer's workshop, so that's where Sniper went.
Just before he could reach the door that led to the workshop, he collided with someone coming down the hall. He let out a quiet ‘oof’ and stumbled back, baring his teeth instinctively when he saw an expensive suit and steely blue eyes. He calmed, however, when he saw that this Spy was dressed in his team's colours 
“Bushman.” came Spy's snide greeting. The Frenchman eyed Sniper up and down, “You look like shit.”
“I could say the same for you, mate.” Sniper sneered back, and he really could have.
There were heavy bags around Spy's eyes, and he smelled as though he'd been absolutely chewing through his expensive, imported cigarettes. Clearly, the man had been coping just as well as Sniper had.
“I'm shocked to see zhat you are no longer wallowing in your mobile hovel, or rolling around in zhe dirt, or whatever it is that you've been doing zhese days.” Spy raised a brow, “What has brought you back to zhis cheap imitation of civilization?”
Now, normally, this would be the point in their conversation where Sniper would tell Spy to not-so-kindly fuck off, but the Australian was running on coffee and will, and Spy was good at getting information. If Miss Pauling’s sudden appearance was supposed to be a secret, then Spy would be Sniper’s first choice for a partner in crime.
“Miss Pauling just showed up lookin’ real frazzled, and I want to know why. I didn't get any alerts or messages, did you?” Sniper asked.
Spy pursed his lips. “Non, I did not.”
Both men's gazes flicked towards the workshop door, and before either could contemplate if this was a good idea or not, Spy had cloaked and Sniper was pushing the door open slowly. A conversation came into earshot as the door opened silently.
“Engie! Thank God you're here!”
“Miss Pauling? What are you doin’ here?”
“There's no time, I need to borrow your truck!”
“Whu- mah truck? What for?”
“Listen, I need to get up North. Fast. And my scooter isn't going to cut it for this trip. Also, I think I might need that emergency dispenser you guys built a while back.”
Sniper's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. Miss Pauling did many things to people, but healing them wasn't something he'd ever heard of her doing.
“Well, now, see that there dispenser is still a prototype. It ain't ready for fieldwork yet- HEY!”
“Sorry Engie! Look, I promise I will bring the truck and the dispenser back, but I really need to get going! If this works, I'll bring back something that will make up for all of this.”
“And just what the hell would that be?!”
“Your Chemist!”
Sniper jolted, his body moving faster than his mind, which was still struggling to understand what he'd just heard. He gripped the guardrails that overlooked the lower floor, arriving just in time to see Miss Pauling putting the pedal to the metal and hauling ass out of the workshop in Engineer's truck. Engineer himself was standing stock still on the workshop floor, hand still raised mid gesture.
A set of hands suddenly grabbed Sniper by the shoulders and spun him around. Spy was staring at him, eyes alight in a way Sniper hadn't seen in a long time.
“Bushman, you can fit at least four people in your disgusting van, yes?” the man asked, squeezing harder when Sniper's mouth failed to make words come out, “Well?!”
“Eh- ur- yeah mate, that's right.” Sniper nodded finally, still reeling from the idea that Chemist might still be alive, “What's it to ya, Spook?”
“Gather up Soldier, Heavy, and Demo. I will take Medic, Scout, Pyro and Engineer in my car. We need to get going immediately if we want any chance of catching up to Miss Pauling!” he exclaimed.
Sniper's eyes widened as he understood what Spy was saying. The Frenchman wanted to follow Miss Pauling, to see their supposedly not dead teammate for himself, and he knew the rest of them well enough to know that if they didn't take them along, then the others would find their own way to them. That, or they'd simply destroy the base if left alone for too long, and Sniper was willing to bet that Spy didn't want to risk Pyro or Soldier destroying his precious suit collection.
‘Still,’ Sniper mused, ‘It’s nice to see that Spook cares about our feelings, even if it is mostly for ‘is benefit.’
“Right, I'll go round up the boys. You focus on snapp’n Engie outta his stupor, yeah?” Sniper agreed.
Spy nodded, and the two separated, with Sniper wasting no time in flying back down the hall. Obsessively stalking- er, observing everyone over the course of the week had granted him a decent understanding of where they chose to spend their time while in mourning.
Heavy and Medic were up first, and Sniper knew exactly where they'd be. With a swift kick, he burst into the Medbay, startling both the pair and all of the birds.
“Augh! Herr Sniper, vhat do you think you're doing, barging in here like-” Medic started, but Sniper cut him off.
“Can it, Doc! Pauling was just ‘ere, and she says Y/N is alive!” Sniper exclaimed. The other two men's eyes widened, and Medic almost dropped the glass beaker he was holding. “She sped off a moment ago, and we're gonna follow ‘er. Spy's taking you, Scooter, Engie and Py in ‘is car, while I'm takin’ the rest.”
The dynamic duo shook off their shock and nodded.
“Heavy will grab Soldier and Demolitions. Leetle Sniper will find Pyro in their room.” Heavy paused, then fixed Sniper with a stern look. “Be very careful how you tell news. Fire starter has… not been taking loss well. May attack, if they think you are playing joke.”
Sniper gulped quietly. “Think we should hold off on tellin’ them why we're really leaving?”
Medic shook his head quickly. “Nien. Zhough it is not alvays apparent, Pyro is quite intelligent. Lying to zhem about zhis will not end well for any of us.”
The marksman winced, remembering the feeling of fire blasting across his skin. “Too right. Okay, I'll handle Pyro, and Heavy’s gettin’ the drunk bastards. Hopefully they can sober up a bit, because I do not want those two sicking up in my van.”
Suddenly, a thought came to him.
“Oh, and bring yer Medigun. Miss Pauling mentioned something about need’n the emergency dispenser, but Engie didn't seem too confident that it would work.”
Medic's face crumpled up in distress. “And he shouldn't be! Zhat machine is just as likely to kill both zhe Chemist and Frauline Pauling as it is to heal zhem.”
“Shit.” Sniper swore, “We better be quick, then.”
The three men scattered, each one going in a different direction. Sniper hauled ass towards the barracks, eyes flicking to the different class symbols that marked each of the doors. He had only ever been here once, but picking out the little blue and yellow picture of a bubbling vial was easy enough.
He skidded to a stop before the door, taking a second to rap his knuckles against the wood before pushing the door open. 
Pyro was where Heavy had said they would be, sitting on their friend's neatly made bed, their stuffed Balloonicorn clasped tightly in their grip as they rocked slightly. Pyro tilted their head at Sniper, communicating their confusion at the man's sudden appearance.
“C’mon, matchstick. We gotta get going right quick now.” Sniper panted, motioning for Pyro to follow, “Miss Pauling was just here, and she seems pretty damn convinced that our Chemist isn't as dead as we all thought.”
Pyro stilled on the bed, their masked face staring right into Sniper's soul. The Australian licked his chapped lips, feeling a sense of unease creep across the nape of his neck. After a moment of relative silence, Pyro seemed to find no deception in his words, and quickly leapt up, pausing only to grab their axe and holster it on their back.
“Huddah huddah huddah!” They yelled, voice muffled by the mask. A thick rubber glove suddenly gripped Sniper's vest, and the marksman found himself getting dragged along towards an exit.
Barely able to keep up with Pyro’s quick stride, Sniper stumbled a bit, all but crashing into the firebug when the large door before them slid open. 
“Let's go, let's go, let's go!” Scout's voice carried across the desert base as the young man practically flew towards the workshop, clearly having been told the news, “Py, Snipes, let's friggin hustle! We got places to be, ya bunch a slowasses!”
“Piss off, ya bloody roadrunner! We're goin’ as fast as we can!” Sniper shot back, no real venom in his voice. He knew that Scout had been hit hard by the loss of their teammate, especially since he and Soldier had been the last ones to see them. The kid was more sensitive then the rest of them, especially when it came to someone he cared about dying
Scout slowed ever so slightly, just enough to grab ahold of Pyro's hand. The runner and the arsonist took off together to where Spy was waiting, and Sniper deviated off towards his van.
Heavy was already waiting for him when he arrived, the hulking giant holding both Soldier and Demo over his shoulders. The two had clearly had more to drink than usual, because neither of them were conscious. Sniper contemplated waking them for a moment; this was important after all, and he knew neither man would want to be left out of the loop.
And then he considered how completely insufferable the duo would be if they were awake, and he simply nodded towards the back of the van as he moved to sit in the driver's seat.
Heavy joined him a few moments later, and they were off, speeding down a dusty New Mexico road. Spy's expensive, gleaming vehicle was tearing down the same road as them, the light of the gradually setting sun bouncing off the well maintained blue paint job. He'd told Sniper the name once, while also threatening to gut the marksman if he so much as stepped near the vehicle, but Sniper couldn't be bothered to memorize it.
Sniper had thought that Spy wouldn't ever dare go as fast as he was now, what with all the potholes and tumbleweeds around that could potentially damage the Frenchman's precious ride, but perhaps he'd underestimated how much losing the Chemist had weighed on their most elusive teammate. Spy, for all his aloofness, did occasionally let slip the fact that he actually liked his teammates. Sometimes. Rarely. And usually in some strange, hard to interpret way.
He saw Scout's head pop out of one of the backseat windows, and the lad raised a hand to shield his eyes, like he was trying to see something in the distance. He must have spotted something other than desert, because he pointed towards an upcoming side road before popping back inside.
Sure enough, the car skidded around the corner, and Sniper followed, squinting his own eyes in an attempt to see what Scout had been pointing at.
Tire tracks marred the road, ones that hadn't been caused by Spy's quick turn, but that were also very recent. Sniper grinned and pressed harder on the gas, accelerating until he was only a few feet behind the other vehicle. 
He'd never had a target escape before, and Miss Pauling wasn't about to make him break that streak.
Tumblr media
Cold.
You were so cold.
You'd awoken to the sound of your teeth chattering, the sound only made worse when another wave of ripples inevitably wracked your prone form. Each breath came as a gasping wheeze, catching on the film of phlegm that had made a home in your throat and chest. Your stomach felt almost alive in your guts, spitting acid on your sensitive middle as it growled and snarled and roared for food that you couldn't give it. 
You tried to get up, but your body began to shake and wobble dangerously as you began putting pressure on your forearm. Apparently, all your energy had been diverted to shivering in a, perhaps futile, attempt to keep your internal organs from freezing over. Breathing out a puff of warm air, you slid your hands over your chest and stomach, eyes widening as you realized that something was deeply, deeply wrong.
Gone was your well earned muscles and insulating body fat. You felt dangerously thin, like a starved greyhound. Whatever dark magic and science pulled you back from death had seemingly lost most of your fat and muscle reserves in the process. Truly, it was a miracle that you'd been able to walk at all!
You were in a bad spot, and you weren't sure Respawn would be able to save you again, should the worst happen. After all, no merc had ever starved to death before, and you had no idea what would happen if you did. 
‘That’s not going to happen.’ You tried to reassure yourself, ‘Pauling will come to get me.’
How long had you been asleep? It hadn't felt like long, but there were no windows in this common room, and it wasn't as though you could rely on your stomach to tell you that a great deal of time had passed.
With little else to do, you lay your head back down on the cold couch cushions, attempting to curl up closer to the plush, velvety fabric. You tucked your arms into your armpits and folded your knees up close to your chest as you shivered once again. You'd lost feeling in your toes and fingers, but you could still, with great difficulty, wiggle them, which you counted as a win. Your eyes slipped shut as you turned your face down towards your chest, nose buried in the fabric of your uniform in a desperate attempt to seek out any scrap of warmth.
Sleep came easy enough, but it was far from a peaceful rest. Nightmares of endless darkness and being reborn wrong plagued your mind. You woke frequently, but exhaustion dragged you back into unconsciousness just as quickly. Each time you awoke, you were reminded of just how hungry you were, and the urge to gnaw at your own dangerously thin arms grew in intensity. Thirst plagued you as well, and each time your failing mind allowed it, you licked desperately at the inside of your mouth, trying to acquire some moisture for your sandpaper-esque throat.
On your next return to the waking world, as you stared out towards the door that led to the hallway, contemplating drinking one of your fatal mixtures, if only to end your suffering and quicken your return to Respawn, a sound echoed out into the lonely building. You lifted your head, blearily squinting towards the door. Had that been real? Or simply an illusion, a trick crafted by your starved brain?
“Chem? Chem, can you hear me?!”
Miss Pauling.
She did come for you!
You grinned, the action pulling at your chapped lips. You tried to call out, but all you managed was a slight cough. Huffing, you flopped your head back down, eyes locked on the door. You knew that she knew where the phone was in this place; there was no way someone like Miss Pauling didn’t know the ins and outs of every place her mercs set up shop in, so it was only a matter of time before she found you.
Sure enough, after a few minutes passed you began to hear footsteps pounding down the hall. It wasn’t the heavy, familiar footfalls of your team, but rather a lighter, quieter sound. A blurry purple figure entered your field of vision, and after your eyes finally focused, you saw a disheveled, red-cheeked Miss Pauling standing before you.
“Hey there, stranger.” You rasped, wincing slightly when you felt hands suddenly cup your cheeks. Pauling’s hands were warm and slightly calloused, and you blinked slowly, leaning into her touch.
“Jesus Christ, Chem. You never do anything by halves, huh?” Pauling laughed, though the noise came out more like a sob.
“Can't. I wouldn't be a very good Chemist if I did, right?” You joked softly, your eyelids drooping slowly as you began to relax, “Things’d be spillin’ all over the place.”
“Woah, hey!” A series of quick, rapid taps against your cheeks made you open your eyes again, “Stay awake, okay? You're in rough shape, but I brought- well, stole but that's really not important- Engie's truck and his little mini dispenser thing-”
“You stole Engie’s truck?” You interrupted, voice tinged with a sense of horrified awe, “He's gonna kill you.”
The raven haired woman gave you a half smile as she reached an arm under you, pulling you up to your feet to stand beside her. Your vision swam, and you had to lean heavily into her.
“I think bringing you back will soften him up a bit.” She said, looping your arm around her shoulders, “Come on, let's get you to the truck. You look like you're about to pass out.”
“I might.” You admitted. “Got anything to eat? I'm starving.”
Miss Pauling glanced over your emaciated form. “That… actually might be the case. When Respawn brings someone back, it usually leaves them feeling a little bit drained, and it's why you're all so hungry at the end of a battle. Respawning takes energy, and I'd say this last trip took almost all of yours. It ate right through your fat and muscle reserves!”
“Ah,” You replied, “I was afraid that might be the case. What happens if I Respawn again?”
“It's… it's probably best if we don't test that out.”
The two of you walked through the base in silence after that, with you leaning heavily on Miss Pauling for support. She didn't seem to mind, however; though you often caught her casting worried glances at you. You felt the temperature in the air steadily drop as you reached the entrance to the base, yet you were still caught off guard when a chilly blast of wintry air smacked you in the face. Snow swirled all around you, coating the base and battlefield in white. The first rays of an early morning sunrise were just starting to peak over the horizon, giving you enough light to see by.
In the distance, you could see Engie's truck, the blue vehicle standing out amidst the white. However, something seemed… off about the truck. You squinted, trying to figure out what was wrong.
“Hey P, did you bring a… a dog with you?” You mumbled, tilting your head at the canine shape that stood in the headlights.
“What?” Miss Pauling looked confused for a moment, before she, too, saw the creature. “What is… uh oh.”
“Uh oh? Why uh oh?” You questioned, before taking a closer look at the dog, which was now slowly moving towards the two of you.
Oh.
Uh oh indeed.
It wasn't a dog.
It was a wolf.
The beast was huge, with a thick, ungroomed black coat and amber eyes that glowed a bright, golden color in the early morning. It growled as it approached, and you could see saliva frothing at its mouth.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.” You balked, stumbling as Miss Pauling pulled you both back, “A rabid wolf. Why not!”
“How did it even contract rabies all the way out here?!” Miss Pauling yelped, quickly drawing her pistol. You eyed the small gun, wondering if she could aim well enough to shoot the hulking animal with your dead weight hanging off her.
Left with no other options, you weakly pawed at your coat, trying to locate something that could help you fight off the rabid beast. You had all the ingredients needed to make something truly dangerous, but if you tried to mix them now, you'd just as likely make something that would kill you before the wolf could.
Grabbing something that would at least blind the animal, you braced yourself as best you could, ready to try and help Miss Pauling fight.
“INCOMING!”
You, Miss Pauling, and the wolf all turned your heads as one, eyes widening when Sniper's van suddenly emerged from the snowstorm like the chariot of an angry Australian god. The vehicle slammed into the wolf, sending it flying out of sight. A few seconds later, an expensive looking car skidded to a stop a few feet away, one of the back doors opening before the car could even fully stop. 
Scout came barreling out first, slipping on the snow and ice as he tried to regain his balance. Sniper, Heavy, and Spy followed suit, with the other's appearing behind them. They all looked absolutely horrendous; their eye bags had eye bags, Soldier and Sniper clearly needed to shave, and none of them were even remotely dressed for the cold weather of the north.
But they had never looked better to you.
Scout spotted you first, and you hardly had time to blink before the Bostonian was upon you, yanking you out of Miss Pauling's hold and into his arms.
“You're alive! Holy crap you're alive!” Scout cried, spinning you around and pressing his face into your shoulder.
Pyro joined you next, the arsonist all but smothering both you and Scout as they sobbed. You patted their back, leaning into their warm suit, attempting to leech their abundant body heat.
Before you could get a word out, a fierce yell startled you into a defensive stance. Suddenly, you were being held up by your armpits and being shook like a maraca.
“DO NOT PULL SUCH A STUNT AGAIN, MAGGOT!” Soldier yelled angrily, but you caught a glimpse of wet eyes under his helmet, “IF YOU DIE LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY RIP YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED SOUL RIGHT OUT OF HELL!”
“Sol, put them down, consarnit!” Engineer chided, smacking Soldier in the side. Once the helmeted man set you back down onto the ground, Engineer pulled you into a warm, firm hug, his flesh hand coming to rest on the back of your neck.
“Hey Engie.” You murmured softly, “Don’t be mad at Miss P, okay?”
“Buddy, ah’m gonna be treatin’ her to a steak dinner after this.” he chuckled, before gently passing you over to someone else, “Here, Demo. Be careful with ‘em. They ain’t lookin’ too good right now.”
“Aye, ya look like shite, dont’cha?” Demo laughed softly, gently ruffling your hair before pulling you into a hug, tucking you under his chin. “Ah, I’m glad yer alright. Ye gave us a right scare, ya wee bastard!”
“Sorry.” You chuckled, leaning into his chest. Demo patted your shoulder, before you were released and spun around to see Medic, Heavy, Spy and Sniper. While Heavy lifted you up into one arm, Miss Pauline began questioning how the mercenaries had found out where you and her were.
Medic descended upon you like a mother hen, fretting about the poor state you were in while simultaneously raving about the unexplored limits of the Respawn Machines. He plucked a few tablets out of a bottle in one of his coat pockets, instructing you to swallow, not chew them as Sniper handed you a well worn thermos. It was warm, and when you opened the lid, the smell of coffee hit your nose. A quick sip revealed that it was made just how you liked, which made you smile, because it meant that the usually unsociable marksman had gone out of his way to make the drink specifically for you.
“Here, mon ami,” Spy strode forward, a blanket draped over his arm. He wrapped it around your shoulders gently, tucking it in tightly, almost like your parents would do for you when you were small, “this should warm you up a bit.”
The tenderness of your usually tough, rowdy teammates made you sniffle, and you snuggled in closer to Heavy, clutching your thermos.
“I love you guys.” You said, your voice wavering with emotion, rather than cold this time, “Seriously. I- there isn’t a better team out there.”
Your praise made the gathered men puff up slightly. It was clear your opinion mattered a great deal to them.
“Hell yeah! We’re da’ freakin’ best!” Scout shouted.
“Leetle Chemist is included in that.” Heavy added, and you blushed slightly.
“Heavy is right, mein Chemiker.” Medic agreed, “Jou have cheated Death more zhen anyone else before jou! It is truly amazing!”
“I don’t feel amazing.” You said, quickly sipping the offered coffee.
“Vell, you are severely malnutritioned, so I am not surprised.” Medic replied. “Ah, don’t drink zhat so fast. Jou’ll just zhrow it back up.” 
Once the word ‘malnutritioned’ passed the doctor’s lips, you could practically hear Engineer’s ears perk up. You were sure many home cooked meals with Engie in his workshop were in your future.
“Come on, mate, let’s get em’ outta the cold, yeah?” Sniper suggested to Heavy, gesturing towards his van. Spy snorted.
“Please, you want to have our dear Chemist rest in zhat thing? The last thing zhey need is to be surrounded by piss and crocodile jerky.” he snarked, which drew a disgruntled sneer from Sniper.
“Oi! My van is perfectly clean, and its leagues bettah than your dinky lil’ car! You just wanna hog all their attention ‘cause you’re a needy, selfish buggah!” Sniper shot back.
Heavy sighed deeply as the two men started arguing, before looking down at you.
“Heavy thinks it would be best for leetle Chemist to ride with Engineer in his truck for now. Team is very excited you are alive, and this makes them act-” the two of you winced as Soldier started yelling again, “more like loud idiots than usual, да?”
“At this point, big guy, I’d welcome the noise.” You admitted, “It was… quiet here. And lonely.”
Heavy looked at you with a saddened expression. “How long were you alone for?”
“A… a day, I think. It was hard to tell, since there were no windows.” You glanced over in the direction the wolf had been flung. “Honestly, that might have been for the best, considering what was waiting out here for me and Miss Pauling when we finally got outside.”
“Was wolf, yes? Heavy could not see very well, but it looked like wolf.” The heavy weapons expert said as he started off towards Engineer’s truck.
“Yeah, it was a wolf. A rabid one. You guys showed up just in time. I was afraid it would get close enough to bite us.” You shivered, pulling your blanket in closer.
“Miss Pauling would not have allowed that. She is small woman, yes, but very fierce.” Heavy paused for a moment, looked over at Scout and Soldier, who were talking to Miss Pauling, then leaned in to whisper: “She is better shot than some of the team. Do not tell them I said this.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t say a word.” You winked as Heavy gently set you down in the passenger seat, careful not to jostle you. The seat was still warm from the heater, and you relished in it, almost not even noticing when Engineer slipped into the driver’s seat next to you. 
“Buckle up, darl’.” He grinned, reaching to pull the seat belt over your chest.
“Thanks, Engie.” You returned his smile and lay back, resting your head against your seat belt. 
As you got comfortable, you noticed that the truck had an extra few passengers. Pyro waved to you from the back as both Soldier and Scout climbed up into the bed. Both men looked visibly cold, but they stubbornly plonked themselves down, dead set on staying near you. Just in case.
Spy and Sniper finally stopped squabbling when they realized that you were no longer around to fight over, and both slunk back to their respective vehicles as Engineer started up his truck. Miss Pauling and Medic followed Spy, while Demo and Heavy trailed after Sniper. Knowing your team, there would be another fight the second you all stopped for gas or food, likely over who you should sit with for the rest of the drive back. Honestly, it was like being back in school, surrounded by a friend group of mentally ill lunatics who fought like spoiled dogs for your attention.
You wouldn’t change a thing. You were, after all, just as needy and clingy as the rest of them, and you knew you’d be even more desperate to be near someone all the time, afraid to be back in that horrid silence.
How wonderful for you, then, that you had 8 men, 1 woman, and 1 Pyro who would be more than happy to indulge you.
956 notes · View notes
presidentbungus · 4 months ago
Text
"Hey, kiddo. Ya look like shite."
"Thanks, pal," Scout mumbles. "That makes me feel a lot better."
"Don't do sarcasm, you're bad at it." Demo clambers down next to him--Scout looks up and sees actual, real-live worry in his face buried under his usual expression of barely-tipsy ambivalence, so he looks back down. "Who hit ye with a bus today?
"… It's stupid."
"Most problems are." Scout suddenly has an arm around his shoulder and he's pulled in until they're pressed against each other, and there's a crooked pinky in his face. "Won't laugh. Promise."
Scout sighs and completes the pinky-swear. "I figured out who my dad is."
"Oh," Demo says, simply.
"… Oh?"
"I was thinking a, dropped my ice cream cone, got splashed in a puddle, someone said my shirt was ugly, sort of situation," and Scout crosses his arms, so he shuts up. "But that's… er… serious. You alright, laddy?"
"Geez. Don't ask me that."
He doesn't respond to that, just kind of looking off in the distance with this look of why did I say that, an expression Scout's grown very familiar with out of him recently.
"Turns out, Spy's been blackmailing Engie, so…" He sniffles and wipes his nose, and tries not to wither into his shoes. "Y'know. Engie's been blackmailing Spy back. And I guess everybody found out except for me, and nobody bothered to tell me, 'cause no one… no one ever tells me anything, for some frickin' reason," he says, and despite every time he holds his breath, shuts his eyes closed tight and tries not to think a sob wrenches its way out of him, betraying him.
“Oh, Scoutie,” and suddenly Scout feels about a thousand times sicker.
“And, I mean, you know. I know you know. Ma knows, Miss Pauling knows, Saxton Hale’s probably reading it in his fucking daily newsletter—everybody knows except for me.” The front of his shirt looks like he stood in front of the exit tube of a waterslide. He can feel them both reaching that limit, Demo winding himself tighter with every word, staring straight up into the middle distance like he saw a fucking ghost, but the words just keep coming out of his throat, against his will, spilling out onto the pavement in front of him. “‘Cause why would anybody tell me? Why would I need to know that Spy’s my fucking, one-hundred percent, bonafide—"
“Scout, I’m sorry,” he finally interrupts, in the hushed kind of whisper that says he really means it, and Scout kicks himself for even giving him a chance to apologize. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t—“
“It’s--it's fine, pal.” Scout’s relieved to find out that feels mostly true. “I’m not mad at you.”
“That still disnae give it an excuse—“
“Seriously,” and he hits him with a look to say I mean it, and he’s crying too so Scout looks away really fast. “This’s my—this is my time to sit here and be a sadsack, and kick rocks, and cry, okay? You are not gonna, gonna monopolize this, tryin’ to apologize to me.”
He feels in Demo’s full-body shudder that he tries very hard to stifle another stupid sorry, and eventually comes up with: “Right.”
“And you’re… not Spy, or Engie, or… Medic, so… I don’t give a shit. I dunno how you would’ve told me.”
Demo doesn’t respond to that.
Moving on, then. “I just… like… how’re you supposed to feel? Y’know? Biggest goddamn mystery of my life, and the whole time I’m, y’know, I’m like if I ever find him I’m gonna strangle that motherfucker, or I’ll…” He pauses again to whimper a little and wipe his tears, and Demo’s arm tightens around him, pulling his head onto his shoulder. “I’ll call Ma and let her come strangle him herself.”
At some point smart fingers start rubbing circles into his back, and it almost makes him want to start crying for a completely different reason.
“But it’s just Spy. Lame-ass, prissy, fuckin’, loser, stupid-ass Spy. It’s been him the whole time. So what do I do with that?”
"Kill him," Demo says, simply, and that's starting to sound pretty good right about now.
147 notes · View notes
boredgrace23 · 8 months ago
Text
I can't believe I've never noticed that a lot of the mercenaries/the women in purple are based on actual villains in media:
Pyro is the monster/the alien. This one is obvious. He's the typical villain you'd see in sci-fi. They're always described/put in in the context of being "weird" or "creepy."
Tumblr media
Engineer is the genius and slasher villain. This one is also obvious when his dialogue is put into context. He mocks everyone in his domination lines and has that general vibe of "stalking towards you like Michael Myers." He's also incredibly smart.
Tumblr media
Spy is the double agent. The one who's "suave" and "knows what he's doing at all times" while simultaneously backstabbing you, much like how an antagonistic spy would in espionage movies.
Tumblr media
Scout is the bully in high school films. I don't need to explain this one. He literally stole Heavy's sandwich in meet the scout.
Tumblr media
Soldier is the fanatic villain who's driven purely by their ideology. I also don't need to describe this one.
Tumblr media
Demoman is the anarchist, and, this is more of a broad term, but the criminal as well. The one who blows shit up because it's fun and are in it for the money. The destructionist type.
Tumblr media
Heavy is the machine or the beast. He's always in front gunning down as much people as possible like how a machine/beast would in sci-fi or fantasy. He's also got more of a stereotypical henchmen vibe too, the type of character that stand intimidatingly behind the main villain.
Tumblr media
Medic, the mad scientist. This one is also easily explained given the nature of his character. German, a man of science, etc.
Tumblr media
Sniper is a sort of corrupted villain, the one who was "good" before he fell into the dark side. Though this assumption is based on the theory that Sniper didn't get into the mercenary business until Miss Pauling came to him for a contract. He's also the hunter archetype. That one's an obvious one too.
Tumblr media
Miss Pauling is the Femme fatale/hench(wo)men. She's like a combination of these two, but the more comedic parts of them(?) She's awkward yet still charming. The punctual women who has her head on her shoulders at all times.
And finally: The Administrator. She's the mastermind/authority figure. The kind of person you'd see in spy movies or movies based around prisons. She's the top dog. The authoritarian.
Tumblr media
But yeah, that's it. While I would also include Saxton Hale and the Mann brothers in this, I am unfortunately running out of time here because I need to vacuum up. That's it, though. This was more for myself as a reminder, but you guys can have this analysis too.
192 notes · View notes
deathexe6110 · 5 months ago
Text
TF2 Movie Fancast
I'm not in the tf2 fandom, nor do I play the game, but my friend @quickbeam2727 does and we thought this would be fun to do. This took like 2 hours lol.
I got the idea from this Twitter post
Open to suggestions :) (Jerma985, Robert Pattinson, and Willem DeFoe are non-negotiable)
Jerma985 as Scout
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Diego Luna as Spy
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Daniel Craig as Engineer
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Tramell Tillman as Demoman
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Karl Urban as Sniper
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Robert Pattinson as Pyro
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Ron Perlman as Heavy
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Nicolas Cage as Medic
Tumblr media Tumblr media
John Cena as Soldier
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Meryl Streep as The Administrator
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Anne Hathaway as Miss Pauling
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Henry Cavil as Saxton Hale
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Willem DeFoe as Merasmus
Tumblr media Tumblr media
78 notes · View notes
wisteriaiswriting · 3 months ago
Text
S/O Who Never Acts On Their Anger
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Words: 364
Request: hello! saw your requests are open. perhaps any tf2 mercs with a reader who never really acts on anger and resists getting angry as much as possible. When they're angry they just sorta sit there with a very forced smile looking like they're about to pop a vein, desperately trying to not raise their voice too much or break the table? That type of thing. Thank you so much! (ur works r so fun to read)
Hi! I'm so glad you like my stuff, but sadly I couldn't think of much here so it consists of Medic, Saxton Hale and Miss Pauling, hope this suffices!
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
We all know this man is at least a little sick.
So sometimes he willingly causes your anger to see your reactions, but he quickly learnt not to do it too often or push it.
Whenever you start getting angry, depending on who is angering you, might get them to leave or just watches you.
When he sees that you’re reaching your limit, that's when he will definitely step in, pulling you away somewhere more private to calm down.
Finds it funny though when you have that forced smile and Scout or Soldier don’t realise and keep goin on. Notes down how long it takes for you to finally leave or turn to him.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
He more so encourages you to let go of your anger rather than hold it in.
Invites you to let it out, whether it’s sparring with him (More like him standing there while you punch him) or just messing with something around the building.
Whenever he realises you are angry at all he just lets you hit him, it’s likely you won't do any damage to him otherwise he’ll fight back until you calm down.
When he notices you clutching the table like your life depends on it, that's when he steps in, he just picks you up before leaving.
If you two are alone then he will tease you once or twice, although he knows when to stop he tends to continue for a bit longer.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Would normally notice your anger almost instantly but due to how busy she can be it might take her a little while.
Her first thought and action is to redirect you and your anger, trying to get you away from whatever the problem is before trying to calm you down.
Does whatever she needs to do for you to calm down, whether it’s leaving you to cool down alone or staying close by, all the while she does some work nearby to keep her from checking on you.
Although on her busier days she’ll decide to bring you on her missions, quickly dragging you with her before you actually do something. She would rather you make yourself useful than injure your own teammate.
93 notes · View notes
jevilowo · 1 year ago
Text
How the mercs would play tf2
Scout is a Heavy main bc he likes the POWER. He tried playing as himself but kept dying bc of low health and got pissed. Constantly yelling for Medic. The 124hp disease is eternal.
Soldier only plays as himself because it's American. Keeps ragequitting. Can't figure out how to rocket jump in game. Has broken 79284654 keyboards in rage.
Pyro plays as themself mostly, but I can see them messing around as other classes on occasion. I think they'd get a kick out of playing Medic sometimes. Still, they're mostly themself and one of those players you think are friendlies bc they do mannrobics over and over but then they unleash fiery death upon you.
Demo would try to play himself but accidentally clicks on a different class and ends up being really good at that too despite being absolutely fucking hammered. Can't aim meelees for shit (just like me fr) but is alright with regular guns. Especially enjoys the wonders of w + m1ing people as Pyro.
Heavy plays himself obviously. Don't think he'd be into playing anyone else, except maybe as medic to pocket his sisters if they played (Zhanna is also a Heavy main btw). He'd be really bad at first but get good really fast. Always remembers to throw sandviches to the medics like (gigachad)
Engie would only play himself, but I think he'd get distracted thinking of ways to improve the game. Only plays in five minute bursts and spends the rest of his time building mods to improve The Experience. Pyro guards his buildings vigilantly between these bursts and they rarely crumble under their watchful gaze and neon sign of sapper destruction.
Medic plays himself mostly, but usually as a battle medic. Ze healing is not as rewarding and all that. I think he'd also be into the POWER (like Scout) of playing massive damage dealing classes (like Pyro, Heavy and Soldier) because again. Hurting.
Sniper would only play himself no exceptions. Slowly evolves into one of those 3000hr 4channer sniper mains and gets ridiculously competitive about the whole thing. Gets so caught up in headshotting he forgets he has a secondary weapon and meelee and dies easily to spies.
Spy abhors the game as a whole, especially playing himself, as it doesn't "accurately portray the intricacies of being a spy" or whatever. Plays occasionally to troll under an alt account but tell no one or he'll fuck your mother.
Miss Pauling would enjoy playing Demo I think, going off vibes alone, but she'd get a kick out of Scout on 2fort matches specifically because it's Efficient for Objective Completion.
Admin is, like Spy, beyond such frivolities. If she ever bothered I think she'd enjoy Sniper or Spy as she too spends a lot of time Staring.
Saxton Hale only plays on his own mode, and as Heavy when not as himself. Hes really fucking annoying about it.
Like I said, Zhanna's defo a Heavy main, but plays Soldier sometimes to bond with her husband. She's way better than him, obviously.
Merasmus hates Soldier and will ragequit any match with Soldiers in them which means he doesnt play often. When he does, however, he likes to be a Demoknight.
Scout's Ma plays Pyro. Like Ms Pauling, this is vibes alone, but she'd also play Spy and Scout sometimes as they are her boyfriend/son.
Grey Mann wouldn't play he'd just infest the game with more bots because he sucks like that.
352 notes · View notes
patchoulism · 1 year ago
Text
i want to study at a Dustbowl university
i will spell blue as BLU and use micspam. i would pencil jump on cp_steel 4th cap all night while drinking BONK with my teammates. i'll have dispenser every day that's worth 100 metal. i would go to jump_academy every night. i am also more likely to meet Scout, Saxton Hale, Christian Brutal Sniper and Painis Cupcake.
i wish i was an aimbot sniper :(
163 notes · View notes
hop-a-lot · 1 year ago
Note
What do you think Bidwell would think of the "Versus Saxton Hale" (VSH) gamemode?
Tumblr media
He wouldn't really stop Saxton if he desperately feel like punching anyone after the takeover, Gray Mann calls the mercs out to do the thing so, there he goes..
but hey, he seems to notice there's multiple version of him
472 notes · View notes
multiheadcanons · 6 months ago
Text
MERCS VS SAXTON HALE
cw: gore and violence
we’re going to begin this with a general statement that really, it didn’t matter how the mercs felt about saxton before he forced this idea on them. after its implementation, every single one of them hate him. with a burn in their souls so bright that when hale gets the itch, the base is silent. everyone is preparing.
scout: initially— and frankly this goes for the whole team— he was incredibly excited for the idea of getting to beat the shit out of saxton. but that was not at all what happened. scout was incredibly easy pickings. overconfident. treating it like any other fight. he really didn’t even feel it happen. he just blinked and he was in the respawn room. and as he turned to look at everyone else, they had to come to the conclusion, as a team, that they lost. but as scout learned hale, he got very good at learning exactly what his role is to take the australian down. and it’s hard, but scout can outmaneuver him, if only for a moment. the first time scout cinched a win was when he chickened out and capped the point while his team got obliterated. by the time he capped it everyone was dead. it was a long walk back to base. it hurt to tell them they actually won. as it’s gone on, he’s gotten better. faster. more flexible. but there gets to a point where it’s still not enough. the first time he got the killing blow he stood there in shock. everyone did. but the uproarious cheers from the few survivors filled him with something unspeakable. he’s gotten hale once. he can get hale again. has a playlist for fighting hale.
soldier: soldier still looks forward to fighting hale. if only for those times when he gets the final blow and gets to watch his rocket blow that man to pieces. those moments are euphoric. he laughs and kicks the body parts around, feeling the squish of a monster under his boots as he steps in the viscera. but he can’t hold his own against him. he becomes even more team oriented, he calls everyone in for a strategy session, and everyone is there. the meetings are hushed, and serious. they are never laughing matters. he spends the night before cleaning and polishing his weapons. inspecting his helmet. and rises first in the morning. he can only stomach a couple of hits. and they hurt. if he wasn’t grateful for medic on the normal battlefield, he definitely is in that arena. kisses the doctor’s boots if he survives to the end. there have been many times they have rushed hale together and barely escaped to live for the next few minutes. they have trauma bonded over this now regular event.
pyro: pyro is never ready for what’s to come in the arena. and frankly, and has only ever made it to the end once. and the one time they made it to the end, out of the sheer shock that they were there to kill him, they unloaded the clip on the corpse. torched it. left for more ammo. came back. unloaded again. left again. came back. did it a third time. and a fourth. and a fifth. the team stepped in after the tenth time. they prayed he would not get up. they don’t get why he keeps coming back. they wish he would stop. tried to boycott the fight, and was physically dragged to the arena by hale. that was the day pyro absolutely torched his remains past the point of ash. they can’t outrun him, and they have to get too close to do damage. they just don’t make the cut. so it’s always a guaranteed death and the most stressful ninety seconds of their life. always tries to push medic to heal the others because they can actually do damage, and let pyro crawl somewhere and hide, or die.
demo: get his fuckin sword right now. immediately. it is increasingly less rare that he gets to get a good hit in on the australian, and every hit fuels him to kill that son of a bitch. regardless of whether they win or lose, he’s drinking himself into a stupor. it’s not even fun to win. he gets no joy from his final blows. he gets no joy from the news when he shows back up in the respawn room. he can’t wait for the day that man dies a bloody, painful death. or loses the company. both work for him, frankly. whatever stops these godforsaken fights. he’s well aware he can’t hold his own against hale in standard conditions. he certainly doesn’t try if he doesn’t think he’s up for it. and those blows… he’s grateful when he can’t feel them. it’s the only time he’s sober on the battlefield. he needs every wit about him to be of any use to his team.
heavy: you know, the first few times he won against hale… no. he got no joy from it. he just ached, profoundly. his body, his heart, his mind. most of the wins happened with three quarters of the team dead, and those who survived mainly wished they didn’t. as he’s faced off more against the australian, he has grown to hate that man so much every hit he lands is a blessing. every bullet is a prayer answered. always aims for his nose as they fistfight. he wants to absolutely wreck that man’s face. permanently scar it. hale’s punches hurt still, but now he just doesn’t even feel it. the burn of a broken rib, teeth knocked loose, his arm snapping, all of that is nothing to the utter burn of hatred in his soul for hale. he doesn’t even consider saxton a person anymore. that is a goliath he regularly has to fight and regularly loses against. but he’s getting better. and if hale doesn’t regain some sense and end this madness heavy is going to wipe him off the face of the earth, permanently. when hale tells them to get ready, his face is stone. in the arena, his face is steel. there is no more reaction to the pain. there is no more ache. only the resolve to hit back harder.
engineer: he wants to quit. genuinely a mental breaking point for him. he knows he’s got no chance. he can’t do much without his buildings, and taking a hit is a death sentence. he’s learned that aggression is his best bet, and careful consideration of where his machines go. he never lasts very long, unless hale is having a bad day. luckily, he doesn’t piss hale off as much as sniper does. but hale makes sure to keep engie humbled. there’s been a few times he’s been able to hold his own against hale, if only for a moment, but never long. sometimes he wonders if they killed him away from the arena whether he would come back. he’s very tempted to try every time hale tells them to get ready. a firm believer in capping the point and ending the carnage as fast as possible. he’s never lived to see the man die. hale hates when he tries to cap the point and call it a day. that’s not the point of him bringing them there. engineer does not give a single good god damn. but it does get him killed more often than not. when scout capped the point the first time he thought it was the smartest thing the kid had thought to do. they’ve ended a few battles that way.
medic: fighting hale is the only time medic genuinely considers if he’s cut out for this line of work. he never wanted to learn that he could survive more than one hit. the first time he experienced that, it sent him flying. he genuinely thought he died but it still hurt so much. he hit the ground limp, and frankly everyone thought he was dead. he laid there for a while, it took demo backpedaling and tripping over his body that he even registered he was alive. as he staggered to his feet, he immediately doubled over and vomited. and he throws up every time he gets hit. he’s had to learn to swallow it back down. the only time he is genuinely terrified is going against hale. hale makes him feel like prey. as he’s fought against hale, he’s found he is not powerless against him, quite the opposite, even. it has taken many, many deaths to gain the reflexes and the nerve to survive going toe to toe. his medigun has never been more viable, and never made such a stark difference. he’s killed him a few times. it never feels good. there is no urge to inspect the carcass when it’s done. the first time he got the killing blow, he just kept stabbing. the team had to drag him off, and he kicked and screamed. something in him is permanently altered every time they are face to face. something about the fact that he doesn’t even seem to care. it doesn’t frighten him on its own; but it stuns him.
sniper: snipes gets a good feeling he knows why he pisses hale off so much. frankly he’s glad for it. he relishes every successful shot he makes. fuck that guy, really. of course, the second hale gets a whiff of him there’s not many opportunities for escape, but also: sniper doesn’t care. because it’s worth every connected bullet. relishes in using jarate on him. he hopes he hits him with it enough times he can’t get the smell of piss out of his skin. more than prepared to die as the man barrels toward him. and he shoots the entire time. sometimes, rarely, snipes can see him coming and move just fast enough to get out of the way, but hale won’t leave him alone, and he simply can’t outmaneuver the man. the first, and only time he got the killing blow he almost blew a load. he achieved enlightenment with that final shot. he saw god, and god looked down upon sniper, and gave him the biggest thumbs up, and his ego imploded in on itself, causing a big bang that created a whole new realm of reality that sniper entered, fundamentally changing the way in which he saw himself. hale has never let him have that again. he is one of the first people picked off every time unless the team is giving him a hard enough time. having to track hale has made him vicious on the battlefield. he’s not missing shots unless he’s not paying attention.
spy: spy does not let it show that he a: hates that man, and b: can not outmaneuver hale on his best day and hale’s absolute worst. when they fight hale, spy takes every page he can out of sniper’s book with his own little twists here and there. he stays as far out of the fight as he can. his aim has only gotten better as he snipes hale from a distance. he knows sniper pisses hale off, and he can tell he does too, especially once he cloaks and hides. he’s actually pretty sure that pisses him off more. the dead ringer is his best friend. hale falls for it every time, but the second hale realizes spy is not dead it’s like a target on his back, and he can’t run long. it’s the only time he gets ubered consistently, and he’s getting addicted to tanking punches from hale as he fervently stabs into him. even though it hurts, he just doesn’t care. nothing beats stabbing hale over, and over, and over. when he fights hale, he almost gets why medic acts the way he does on the battlefield. there is something exhilarating taking on an opponent you know can kill you and having the wits to at least go down fighting.
57 notes · View notes
cheemscakecat · 11 days ago
Text
DadSpy Gas Station
Spy was never particularly interested in the American gas stations. He didn’t have a reason to visit one.
RED delivered supplies to its bases, which allowed the Engineer and Medic a constant stream of new parts and scrap. It also meant gasoline for the merc’s vehicles. He and Sniper didn’t have to visit town to fuel up.
It was safer that way. It was better for Antoine to reserve his public sightings for things he had to do for work, or for activities he was interested in. It wasn’t like he was walking around with a paper civilian mask when he did go to town.
Gas stations had high foot traffic, traffic from absolute strangers. And they were known to be filthy. Spy was honestly more at ease surrounded by BLU team than he would be in a crowd of total strangers.
He didn’t understand why Jeremy insisted on visiting the gas station so often.
Scout didn’t take the time to cook for himself. Throwing together a bowl of repulsive cereal was about the extent of his culinary exploits. He didn’t bother to make sandwiches for himself, since he could always steal one from an enemy heavy anyways.
RED team didn’t really sit down to eat together, unless someone made breakfast or felt like firing up a barbecue grill. So most of the time, Scout was either going to the gas station to get chicken, or eating leftovers from the last bucket he bought.
A diet of meat, grease, sugar and radiation. It ate away at Antione sometimes, knowing how badly his son ate. He could have taught him better, but… that was not an option.
Neither was catering to the whole team with actual balanced meals. He had the skills, he had the supplies, he just- No. Not again. He couldn’t bear it.
Besides, it would be strange and seemingly out of character for him to start now. Spy’s throat stung at the thought.
“Hey Spy? I can’t get my motorcycle to run. Engie’s gonna fix it up later but uh… Do ya mind taking me to the gas station tonight?”
Antione blinked dully at his son. If Jeremy was asking him, it meant the others were annoyed or busy.
“For food?”
“Yeah. I’m outta chicken.”
Good. That slop was an insult to the birds that died to make it. And Scout virtually lived on it.
“Perhaps you should eat something else.”
“Aw come on, Spy!”
“Well, you could. There’s always a few things in the team fridge, it wouldn’t take long to cook something.”
Jeremy was quiet for a moment. And for a moment Antione dared to hope his son would listen.
“I’m tired Spy. I don’t feel like dirtying up a pan or anything tonight.”
Spy scowled. Of course he didn’t want to bother. Didn’t want to put in the effort to make a halfway decent dinner, to improve his health even slightly. Was it truly so hard to fry something in a pan, to heat some canned soup in a pot?
The others sometimes refused to humor Scout for this exact reason. The shared fridge was open to everyone, barring leftovers or anything claimed with a note. It was worrying how much he chose to eat out, the same thing at that.
“Please? I thought my bike was workin, I swear.” Spy knew that was true. Scout’s bike probably just needed extra maintenance from so much use. Antione felt his shoulders sag.
“Alright. Just this once.”
“Alright! Yeah!”
“But don’t eat that garbage in my car.”
——————-
The gas station in Teufort was about as grimy as Spy imagined it would be. A sun bleached sign with the chicken restaurant’s logo was attached to the wall outside. It wasn’t a franchise that had standalone locations like other “fast food”. Antione figured it wasn’t very popular.
Inside, the small store was stocked with factory foods. The kinds of strange, empty foods made on a conveyor belt that Scout ate as snacks. Thankfully Bonk Cola was not available. Saxton Hale’s company made that poison for the war effort, same as the kidney pills Sniper took whenever Medic fixed them.
Antione wasn’t really sure why he bothered walking in. But he still found himself scanning the room for the hot food options, for the things Jeremy might also eat.
There was a case of donuts that caught his eye. Donuts weren’t healthy, but Spy had a soft spot for pastries and confections. At least the ones that weren’t prepackaged, fake chocolate covered styrofoam like the Mini Milly snack cakes.
He decided to buy one. Scout was going to make a purchase of course, but Spy was a masked man loitering around. He felt compelled.
Antione’s shoulders were stiff and he knew he looked out of place. The people of Teufort were odd, and he was always on edge in a public place anyways. He watched Jeremy’s exploits as he pulled the pastry out of its paper bag.
Scout was chugging a “slushee” drink and dousing a paper box of corn chips in some kind of sauce. It was caution sign yellow, and Jeremy dumped canned olives on it. Repulsive.
Spy felt that stinging prickle in his throat. Look away. Think about something else. This was not the time or place to cry. Antione could grieve the fact he wasn’t there to teach Jeremy what real food is, but not in front of him. Or these strangers.
He turned his attention back to the donut. He had been most curious about the one coated in cane sugar. Crumbs of it were already catching in the stitching on his gloves.
Spy bit into the pastry. It was dry. He had figured it might be, since this wasn’t a donut bakery. They probably got them from some other place. But the raspberry filling was what bothered him.
It tasted of sugar more than fruit. The tartness of the raspberry was lost, and it didn’t even have seeds. The sugar taste was, for lack of a better word, artificial. Spy turned up his nose at it.
He’d made better syrup at 8 years old, being yelled at by father for burning himself on hot liquid sugar.
Antione looked up again and Jeremy was making a mess. He’d poured the mystery sauce on some chicken and was getting it all over his face and arm. The chicken in question came from under a lamp, as did the other hot foods.
Spy looked at the spinning hot dogs and sighed. They were so much better grilled, and even Soldier knew how to do it. There was so much better than this in America, better donuts made fresh, better chicken made by other restaurants.
He’s never going to listen to me. What do I do?!
Antione threw the dried up pastry away and walked back to his car. He refrained from smoking for the sake of the gasoline pumps nearby. But he really could have used a smoke.
In that way he was a hypocrite. He knew that. Scout didn’t take up the habit, thank God.
But food was so much more than filling your stomach. Despite father’s insistence that everything had to be perfect, there was actual value in food. To take pride in making something good, something worth serving to others. Something worth sitting down together to eat.
There was no benefit to smoking except keeping his taste buds exactly the same as they had been for so many years. Spy couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if he didn’t.
But good food was what gave him energy, what counterbalanced his poor health decisions. A person could change what they eat and begin to feel better. To eat the kind of thing they’d feel comfortable serving to someone else.
Jeremy chose the chicken to serve a potential date, back when Spy tried to coach him. He was comfortable serving it to someone else, and that made Antione very sad.
“Hey, you didn’t have to throw that away.”
Scout had returned to the car.
“Throw what away?”
“The donut. You gotta stop wasting food.”
He had thrown the cold, leftover chicken on the floor too. Scout hadn’t forgiven him for that. Antione let himself sag in the drivers seat.
“It barely constitutes as food to me, Scout. I just… I don’t want to fill my stomach with something like that.”
“Well some people would have been happy to eat it if you didn’t want it. We can’t all be picky.”
You could now, you have mercenary money. You could eat whatever you wish.
Merriam chose not to take money and that left Jeremy without. Antione wasn’t so blind that he couldn’t see that. But now was his chance to try new things, and he kept going back to the same cheap, unhealthy food. Food that didn’t even taste good.
I don’t know what to do.
“Nobody should have to eat this filth Scout, I know that…. But you don’t have to.”
“You wouldn’t understand. I didn’t ask to be lectured by a snob.”
“A snob?”
“Yes. A snob. We can’t all be fancy Frenchies, so why don’t you stop acting like it!”
Antione didn’t want to drive anymore but he forced himself. If Jeremy thought he was a snob, he should have seen the “elite” customers.
So many rich people just ate whatever was the most expensive, whatever got them the most attention. Spy had always referred serving the guests who saved up to visit France and try something they’d never had. They were always more grateful, more curious.
Scout was never going to branch out. He was never going to try better food, French or no. He would never understand what he was missing.
“Can you pass me a cigarette?” Antione knew he was in no condition to take his eyes off the road. He needed to not cry behind the wheel.
“Fine. Enjoy the notes of rubber or whatever.”
26 notes · View notes