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fuckinorangecat · 2 years ago

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Japan 2/09/2023

It's been 27 days since I've moved to Japan and I've decided to document a diary of sorts. I'm not really sure where I'll be going with this but I'm just gonna write.

I wanted to do this earlier but I didn't get internet access till a few days ago.

I was accepted into the JET programme on April 3rd 2023. For those that don't know, it's a teaching programme sponsored by the Japanese government. Applicants from all over the world are scouted for an teaching/cultural exchange programme in Japan. If you get accepted, you're flown into a random area in Japan to teach elementary to high school students.

Why did I sign up? If I'm honest, I just wanted to be as far away from home as possible. I was sick of the monotonous life of London and moving to a different country would force me to learn and adapt to new things. People always ask "Why Japan" but there's no particular reason for it aside from the fact I grew up with Japanese media. Also, the programme was attractive, I'll take that free flight and visa any day. Moving is already a big ordeal, so having the process be streamlined is... nice to say the least.

Once I got accepted I freaked out. I went through the typical honeymoon phase anyone would after getting accepted, romanticising Japan and everything that I'd get to do. Although after a few weeks and months, the fear of responsibility slow crept in. In the end, it's still like any other job. I began to question myself if this was truly the right decision. Not that I'd drop out, the application process took 10 months, I'd rather die than drop out. Besides, I'd already told literally everyone in my life so there wasn't any way I could drop out without losing my whole social standing. Pressure!! After I got accepted, I took on extra shifts at the public library I worked at to raise some funds for the move (I was very poor). So poor, I worked 15 days in a row a few weeks before my flight. It was worth it though, if I didn't I'd genuinely be starving. Moving costs a lot.

A random thought about my former work: I worked in library for one and a half years. It was probably the craziest time of my life at that point. Public libraries, or any place the public can congregate is gonna be full of potential crazies. I had to stop like 5 fights in my time there. IN A LIBRARY. Was also subject to the most interesting racism of my life. Everyone was racist, it was almost like fair game. Everyone got it and I MEAN everyone. But I digress, the whole point of this paragraph was to mention how much I miss my coworker friends. I encouraged one to sign up for the JET programme this year. I really hope she makes it. It's something she's been wanting to do for a while. I can't wait to see her happy in Tokyo when she arrives. She loves Jojo so I'm going to surprise with a figurine of one of the pillar men as a congratulations present. She loves them.

Anyway, fast forward to August 5th, my departure date. I packed my suitcases and left with my family. When it was time to past the gates, I was surprised my mum didn't breakdown. Although I know how much she had been preparing herself for this situation. I remember when I first broke the news of acceptance to her. Her first reaction was "Will you miss me"? I love her so much. I avoided the subject as much as I could because every time I brought it up, I could see the tears well up in her eyes. I really do love her. After I got through to the airport gates and met up with some fellow applicants, an applicant instantly made a racist joke. I can't stand white people man. "Are you guys ready for chow mein and salt and pepper chips??? Cause we're going to china right? hahaha". I'm the type of person to punch racists but being arrested just as I was about to fly didn't seem like the greatest decision. I never asked his name and I'm glad I never did. I just looked at him like wtf bro, as did every other applicant thankfully.

The flight to Japan was nice. I made quite a few friends, I met some at a pre-departure meet up just a month before and reunited with a few of them. The flight was 16 hours I believe, first a layover at Helsinki, then a direct flight to Japan. I sat next to a baby on the flight to Finland, that wasn't even the bad part, it was the fact I had the seat next to the toilet man. Smelled the excretion of every person on that flight. Fuck off. The flight to Japan, I was unfortunately placed into the middle seat. Amusingly the person with the aisle seat was a Japanese salaryman who working for most of the flight. Chill bro. Just watch some movies and relax.

Everything up until this point didn't feel real until I had actually landed in Tokyo, Japan. By which I mean, the fucking heat I felt the moment I left the plane will forever be etched into my mind. It was heavy. I knew Japanese summers were insane but I really do understand why people fucking succumb so much to heatstroke now. The humidity was pulpable. For those interested it was 36 degrees, I'm British and in London it was only 25 degrees Celsius. After the plane, we retrieved our suitcases and went from the airport to our hotel in a coach. I made friend with a JET who I got to tell me her whole life story on the coach. The coach was silent by the way, so she also told the whole damn coach. It was amusing though, she dated a Japanese man that had a whole ass family on the downlow. Crazy.

Once we reached the hotel, it was free time till the orientation the next day. I was roomed with two British JETs (bless) I loved them both. Although at the time of writing this I'd already forgotten their names. One was probably named Matthew. They were both northern sounding so, I love both unconditionally. The first day we went to an izakaya and totally struggled ordering. I ordered a jumbo highball or something, I chose it because was curious as to how big it could possibly be. It was about the same as the ones you'd drink in Oktoberfest Germany. Good. The Izakaya was a wonderful experience though. I thought to myself, I get why salarypeople always go out for drinks and yakiniku now. That shit banger.

After that we decided to go our separate ways, I went back to the hotel room, showered for the second time (because of the disgusting humidity) and prepared myself for bed. Next day, the orientation began. Breakfast happened first. The americans all wore their fucking formal clothes already? Why? I'm not gonna risk eggs on my shirt man. Rather amusingly, most of the british applicants were NOT wearing their suits. Really emphasises the difference in culture. My fat ass ate like three plates of food and then I took my shirt out for an iron. The actual orientation itself was endless drivel. Slides and slides of common sense, e.g. don't drive drunk, don't touch kids. Woah. I actually fell asleep a couple of times and a fellow JET had to wake me up. After the orientation at 5pm, we were free to explore. I actually had plans to meet my predecessor, the one I'm taking over from. Coolest guy ever, an artist, musician, dancer, tattoo artist, woodcarving, basically cooler than me in everyway. Not that it's hard to achieve. We grabbed dinner and went our separate ways, I decided to go to Shibuya to meet up with some other JETs, we did the same thing again. Booze and yakiniku, exchanging contact information all night. I went back to the hotel straight after, couldn't sleep and decided to WALK from Shinjuku to Shibuya at 5am. For those you aren't familiar, you normally take the train from Shinjuku to Shibuya, otherwise it's like a 2ish hour walk there and back. I took a picture of Hachiko after I reached Shibuya then walked back, performing necessary tourist duties whilst I was still in tokyo. I was messaging a JET throughout the night and we decided to go a matsuya at 6am. From how she explained it, she said it was like a 24/7 diner, cool as hell. We went with a couple of other JETs. I ordered gyudon and nattoo, heavy breakfast but it was delish. Day 2 of the orientation, I fell asleep again, I actually can't remember what happened this day, I think I just stayed in the hotel?... I genuinely can't remember. This is why I wish I started writing earlier. What I do remember was meeting the same JET that told me her lifestory again for another breakfast at a matsuya. This time just me and her. She confided with me how she's always been the one to ask others out on dates, and that nobody has ever made the first move. Something along the lines of "I don't think anyone has ever liked me" but she's had like several partners so idk how this works. I guess initiation is needed from time to time, idk i ain't an expert on this nor do i give a fuck. (about relationships i mean, im glad she felt comfortable enough to confide with me). She was the person who sorted out the second izakaya and i just remembered we went to a bar too that night - after the izakaya. The bar had a brilliant sign, "Get drunk, Get laid, Get arrested, It's all good". Sold me straight away. Everyone assigned her the title of mother by the end of that night.

Day 3: This was the day every applicant got ready to fly out to their assigned placements. I'm flying to a rural countryside, other JETs were taking the bullet train. I chose the rural countryside because I'm a city person, thought why not try the opposite. The application had three preference boxes you could tick. "remote island", "rural" and "city". i chose the former two and got countryside, or "inaka" as us JETs love to call it. When we reached the destination, we all had a people waiting for us. It was amusing seeing all the teachers with signs with our names on it. There was a noticeable difference in effort depending on what type of school you got. My friend had the most colourful signage with a lot of genki folks actively looking for them. It was evident they were going to be working in an elementary school. I had a Dude™ (who I actually love) who said about 5 words to me before leading me to his car where he proceeded to drive me to my placement. I'm pretty sure we exchanged less than 5 sentences with each other but he tried. He was also an English teacher but wasn't the best at speaking. We reached our destination and I met my supervisor who I had been exchanging emails with since June. Got a tour of the school, introduced myself to the staff and finally got to my accommodation. I couldn't wait to lounge around at home at this point, I was so socially drained.

Day 4: I fell down the stairs and dislocated my shoulder. LOL. I was in a hurry and forgot my Inkan (japanese signature stamp) so I ran back to grab it. I was wearing socks speeding around on fucking smooth ass wooden floors and stairs, not the best combination. I fell from the top of the stairs and landed with all my weight on my right arm. Fantastic. Instantly got taken to the hospital where I was there for the whole day and they injected me with a shit ton of aesthetic to the point where I literally could not feel my arm. It was amusing though because it was literally limp. I was hospitalised for a day (annoyingly) and put in a fucking sling for three weeks. This was actually my lowest point because from here on, this made school about 50 times harder than it needed to be. I also felt like a dickhead to my supervisor who had to do all the paperwork for the hospital and literally everything else (bank, internet, etc). She was a working mother with two kids so, yeah. Not the best start. Because I'm a cunt I took off my sling almost immediately upon returning home. I'm prone to dislocation so this was probably my 7th time dislocating it, the previous time only a month ago playing fucking badminton of all sports. I'm not even gonna bother explaining that one.

I will no longer include dates because the more I write the more I can't be asked.

The following monday I had no school. It was Obon, a festival dedicated to the celebration of family and ancestors. I met up with the local JETS. It was a really wholesome night, I'd been rotting at home in the weekend healing my arm so it felt so good to be out. We had a small firework celebration, the JET who organised it dedicated it to her grandad who passed away a few days earlier I believe. We lit sparklers and fireworks for him and our arrival. There was a trinidadian and tobago JET who explained sparklers were called "starlights" in Trinidad. I thought that was cute. You light it then throw it in the air and it falls down like a shooting star. It really felt like summer that night. A bunch of people, playing with sparklers on the river bank, pointing at the fireworks and stars. I loved it.

I returned to school on the thursday and friday where I decided not to take any sick days. I had to do all my work with my left hand but it was better than being a dependent on my supervisor who already had enough going for her. I met my other JTEs (Japanese teacher of English) and got straight to work. One of them, Matsuda-sensei instantly have me 123 essays to mark, amazing. With my left-hand. Luckily it was microsoft teams, I could just press buttons as opposed to writing gibberish on paper. I did that for 8 hours a day for both thursday and friday. Did not get far. I'm pretty sure I only did like 20 by friday. I just remembered a funny thing so I'm gonna add it here. I hit it off with a JET we'll call D. They're cool and we met at the Tokyo orientation on day 3, departing for the same prefecture. Very emotional person, I can't remember when but it was probably this week where they had a bad time at work and asked me if I was available to call. The funny part was they called me at the adult section of a Don Quijote store? Beautiful location. So they were just venting to me with the occasional "damn thats a cool (insert sex toy here) whilst also crying. A wide variety of emotions. I was just at home studying Japanese whilst I had this call.

At the weekend I decided to go out to the closest mall because I was tired of combini food. It took me 2 hours to get home, and a fellow JET called me stupid for not going to the closer one. (I did not know but he was right wtf, I'm dumb). I just wanted rice. Although walking in the blistering heat for that long of a duration really is not advised, heatstroke creeps up on you. Still did it though, and I was carrying 5kg of rice. Smashed it.

The following week I did the same shit for three days, marking essays. I was actually given even more work. There's an upcoming English speech contest that students participate in and I was tasked with editing about three speeches, again with one arm. That was great. (I took it him and took my sling off and did it then). I was also tasked with grammar checking some exam questions my JTE made that was gonna be used for the whole prefecture. Wtf. Luckily that took 0 time because it was perfect.

It's now thursday 24th where I had another JET orientation. This one was specifically for the prefecture I was in. It was way less boring, because the first day was only three hours and then it was an organised dinner with all you can eat food and drinks. I got pissed and walked for a few hours with another JET in the park where we just hung out and vibed. It was another wholesome night. I've met some nice people during my short duration here. I found that I do enjoy talking to new people, despite being an introvert. Well, to be fair, I'm putting way more effort than I usually would because I am in a new country. The second day was more akin to the tokyo orientation, boring information that I mostly already knew. There were a few interesting pieces but not interesting enough to write about. Oh wait there were two things: a tea ceremony and the women's section. There was a whole tea ceremony for us, we were separated into two groups. One group were presented with the tea, as guests. The second group learnt how to actually prepare matcha tea. We swapped afterwards. The women's section of the presentation was terrifying. We were made aware that if you, as a woman, are in a room alone with a man, that is legal "consent". Love Japan. Very technologically advanced! After the orientation finished, I went straight home, I was exhausted. I rested for most of the weekend. On the sunday I was invited to go to the beach at around 5pm where we all hung out playing ball. There was a swimmable section of the sea that was cordoned off to prevent fucking poisonous ass octopi from coming in the but holes in the nets were huge and I was like hell no. I walked with another JET and just spoke about life instead. An interesting thing happened though and a bangladeshi immigrant came up to us and asked if he could join in on playing ball. It was so wholesome. I found that he was actually with a group of bangladeshi people because I walked far enough to discover the rest of the group. They were all singing on the coastline, in their native language whilst the sun set. It was a really nice sight. After the sun set we all decided to get dinner and we had some conveyor belt sushi which was BANGER. Loved it. Ordered like two bowls of ramen and soba and obviously smaller plates of sushi. A really nice way to end the weekend.

The week of the 28th I returned back to work. I forgot the opening ceremony for the school started today and I had to make an impromptu introduction to the whole fucking school. The students were aware of the new ALT English teacher but have never formally met me. It was so awkward LOL. It was 30 seconds but it was the longest 30 seconds of my life. My supervisor told me to speak as slow as possible which made it absolutely excruciating. The staff were apparently cheering for me though. I love them so much, especially the P.E teachers who are so genki and kind.

The rest of the week I mostly did marking and watched the kid's practise for their sports day. They had a whole ass procession with flag bearers. The students then separated into boys and girls: boys did taiko and a dance, girls did cheerleading and dance. I had my first intro lesson too that my supervisor planned. I didn't have to do anything because at this point i'm still in my sling. She planned all the activities and the students gleefully asked me as many questions as possible in the best English they could muster up. This group of three girls seemed so excited to see me lol. They always say hi to me now. Bless, they really make it easier to leave for work.

Oh yeah, on the tuesday I met my first Japanese friends where we had dinner together. Most wholesome night of my life, it felt like having dinner at someone's home. The venue was a small guesthouse that also functioned as a cafe, bar and restaurant. It was cosy and quaint. I met them through my predecessor who very kindly introduced me. Half of them spoke English, one of them was even an ex-english teacher at my school. What are the chances? The cafe owner was also part of the group plus his staff who had someone MY AGE. Finally. Everyone else was married with kids. The last person to turn up was a fucking buddhist monk, came in full uniform and everything. We drank and had pizza the whole night. Also had some soul food solely specific to the city I'm placed in. I think I teared up when I got home, it was such a good night.

And now here I am writing this at 1am. I've definitely cut a lot of things out because I've forgotten it and I want to finish up. Now I can write things as they happen, which hopefully will result in more coherent writing. Not that it matters, I'm writing this for me and no one else.

Goodnight.

#txt #diary

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multiple-authors · 2 years ago

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9 August 2023

It's midday again. This morning I washed my whites (bedding and t-shirts for work), had my smoothie, went to the gym, had porridge, washed, cleaned the side table by the door and the mirror. Writing until 12:45. Whatever comes to mind. I just write and write and write. No stopping. I feel somewhat more energised today. I think working out and eating a lot has helped. Eating high protein foods. Since having the smoothies back in my diet I feel a lot better. I am excited to sleep in my fresh bedding this evening. This evening I am hanging out with Franny. I don't know what we'll do. Last night I was at home when she came back. I was making tea for myself. I was in the living room watching TV and she came and joined me every now and again. It was nice to see her. She was on her period eating coconut-based biscuits and coconut custard. I feel reassured and safe when I'm around her. I have been avoiding her because I think it's a natural trauma response for me. I also feel shameful that I'm in the financial position I'm in. This situation is very fixable though. I just need to budget and work within my means. I am learning a lot. I started to share things with her and then stopped myself. I knew we would be hanging out this evening. I am looking forward to that. We should do something nice. What should we do? Maybe we can watch something together. I think we should go for a walk. I feel so regimented in my life. Or I like routine. Or creating a routine for myself. I think I have to be careful in being too critical of this because I otherwise would be floating around without a routine, to the beat of an inconsistent restaurant rota that changes every week. There is something I am holding onto. What would it look like if I let go just a little bit? If I just follow a routine and a system I create for myself, then trust that it will take me somewhere, then, if I know that this will eventually happen, surely this certainty means there is no reason to hold on so much. I can let go a little. If a train I board is destined for the waterfall, there is no need for me to hold on white-knuckled on the edge of my seat because, trusting the driver, the tracks, the engineers, the schedule programmers (I don't know what they're called), I will eventually arrive safely. Of course there could be a horrific storm, or a tree that falls in the track, or an obstacle more broadly, or we run out of fuel slightly. There is no reason why this can't be resolved by waiting, refuelling, taking the time to rest, waiting. I will still be on route to my destination, especially with all the forces I have set in motion (the metaphorical driver, the tracks, the engineers, the schedule programmers). So if this is the case, I might as well smile more, let go, surrender. I am setting in motion my own train, driver, tracks, engineers, schedule programmers. This will happen of its own accord because life moves on inevitably and it is in my nature to make things happen. I will something to happen. It is my namesake. To carry on writing, I don't what much more to say. I will sit and paint today, and have fun. This painting will finish itself. Then I will photograph it and post it. Then I will shut down the app and act just as I wrote. I do need to write a caption for it: https://www.e-flux.com/notes/552445/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-the-phallus-but-were-afraid-to-ask-barbie Here is a draft. [I think I need to watch it first to say something]

'Permeable fantasies' Oil on linen 80 x 100 cm 2023

Not me making more marketing for Barbie... This time last year, I rediscovered the magical paintbrush she uses to make reality of her imagination in the 2002 film, 'Barbie as Rapunzel'. She paints portals to pass through: her paintings become the ultimate vision boards, simulating where she wants to go, manifesting a place or idea that's just out of reach, an alternate reality, a virtual reality. It's a tool to dip her toe in new waters, or chuck something overboard. And the paint she's using is just what she has lying around (the berry juice her talking rabbit friend brought her). Type in 'Barbie as Rapunzel - The magical paintbrush creates a portal towards the village' on YouTube to see for yourself. Criticism of the Barbie enterprise aside, at least this iteration of her taught five-year-old me something about the nature of painting. The way Barbie as Rapunzel saves herself 💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼 and gets the man along the way... 💅🏼💅🏼💅🏼 #SeeYouNextTuesday 🧨🔥💨. After the amount I've stared at her over the last few weeks, and the amount she's stared back, I have taken inspiration and am currently painting a new portal. I will be saving myself and leaving her behind.

☔️🤬☔️😤☔️🤪☔️

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fncreature · 4 years ago

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Another Chance: Pt. 3

A/n: Yes l know, it's like one scene, but it's four pages!! And it took this long!! And fight scenes are hard so I don't want to make you guys wait that long so I'm giving you guys this. I promise I have more soon. My own stuff and AC 4, soon, I swear I'm writing.

Captain Rogers met you in the hallway. “You look horrible” He said.

“Didn’t sleep” You yawned.

“Why not?” He asked.

“It’s hard to sleep on concrete” He stopped walking.

“You’re sleeping on concrete?”

“I made a remark. That’s my time-out corner, Captain Rogers.”

“I thought we were done with formalities.” He said.

“Well, I have to call you Captain Rogers. Complain to Fury, cause my only way out is death”

“I’m sorry, did you say death?”

“I’m an asset and I know too much so it’s death or this, and death looks a hell of a lot nicer right now”

“Kid, you have so much to live for” He put a hand on your shoulder, and you flinched at his touch, Captain Rogers added that to his mental file of concerns.

“Like what? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and Fury’ll punish me for this. I can’t do anything I want, and the food here sucks. I’ve been craving Cheetos since two years ago.” The conversation ended as you saw the lab’s doorway.

“Hey!” Captain Rogers said, walking into the lab as Mr. Stark poked Dr. Banner with a little electrical device.

“Nothing?” Mr. Stark asked.

“Are you nuts?” Captain Rogers asked. You leaned in the doorway

“Jury’s out. You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?” Mr. Stark asked

“Is everything a joke to you?” Captain Rogers asked

“Funny things are.” Mr. Stark shot back.

“Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn't funny. No offense, Doc.” Captain Rogers said.

“No, it's alright. I wouldn't have come aboard if I couldn't handle pointy things.” Dr. Banner objected.

“You're tiptoeing, big man. You need to strut.” Mr. Stark said to Dr. Banner

“And you need to focus on the problem, Mr. Stark.” Captain Rogers said.

“You think I'm not? Why did Fury call us and why now? Why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables.” Mr. Stark shrugged.

“You think Fury's hiding something?” Captain Rogers asked, suddenly slightly intrigued, walking into the lab.

“He's a spy. Captain, he's the spy. His secrets have secrets. It's bugging him too, isn't it?” He asked, pointing to Dr. Banner.

“Uh...I just wanna finish my work here and…” Dr. Banner obviously wanted to stay out of it.

“Doctor?” Captain Rogers asked.

“'A warm light for all mankind, Loki's jab at Fury about the cube.” Dr. Banner said.

“I heard it.” He nodded

“Well, I think that was meant for you. Even if Barton didn't tell Loki about the tower, it was still all over the news.” Dr. Banner said, directing it at Mr, Stark.

“The Stark Tower? That big ugly” He gets a look from Mr. Stark “ ...building in New York?”

“It's powered by an Arc Reactor, a self-sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for what, a year?” Dr. Banner asked.

“That's just the prototype. I'm kind of the only name in clean energy right now. That’s what he’s getting at” Mr. Stark said.

“So, why didn't SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? I mean, what are they doing in the energy business in the first place?” Dr. Banner asked.

“I should probably look into that once my decryption programmer finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files.” Mr. Stark said casually.

“I'm sorry, did you say-” Captain Rogers started as you said, “What?”

“You’re breaking into all of S.H.I.E.L.D. 's secrets?” You asked eagerly. “All of them?”

“Jarvis has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours we'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide.” He held out a bag of blueberries. “Blueberry?”

“Yet you're confused about why they didn't want you around?” Captain Rogers asked.

“An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome.” Mr. Stark said.

“I think Loki's trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war, and if don't stay focused, he'll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them.” He said

“Following isn’t really my style.” Mr. Stark said.

“And you're all about style, aren't you?” Captain Rogers asked.

“Of the people in this room, which one is; A. wearing a spangly outfit, and B. not of use?” Mr. Stark asked.

“Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you?” Dr. Banner asked.

“Just find the cube, you idiots” You rolled your eyes. Steve walked out.

“Uh, for the record, you’re the only one that’s still in school, kid” Mr. Stark shot back.

“You wish” You blew off his comeback.

“I’m sorry?” Mr. Stark asked.

“I live here, I don’t go to school. And I did the homework, but I’m sure you didn’t want a fourteen-year old ruining your moment. And I’d never pull something like that in front of Fury” You added the last part quickly.

“Just can’t believe that that's the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn't have kept him on ice.” Mr. Stark shrugged.

“The guy's not wrong about Loki. He does have the jump on us” Dr. Banner replied.

“What he's got is an ACME dynamite kit.” Mr. Stark said. “It's gonna blow up in his face, and I'm gonna be there when it does.”

“And I'll read all about it” Dr. Banner said.

“Uh-huh. Or you'll be suiting up like the rest of us.” Mr. Stark told him. “And the kid”

Ah, see. I don't get a suit of armor. I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare.” Dr. Banner shook his head.

You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.” He pointed at the arc reactor in his chest. “This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege.”

“But you can control it.” Dr. Banner said.

“Because I learned how.” Mr. Stark responded.

“I’m onmipowered” You blurted out. “And I don’t know how many people I’ve hurt because of it, and I still can’t control it. I don’t know how to learn, since I think I might be the only one. S.H.I.E.L.D.’s my terrible privilege, because I can’t hurt anyone here, no matter how bad they hurt me here”

“It's different.” Dr. Banner said.

“I’ve read about your accident, Dr. Banner. You should’ve died. But you didn’t.” You told him softly.

“So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life?” Dr. Banner asked.

“Yeah. Even if you hate what he does, you still saved people in Calcutta. Those people probably would’ve died if you weren’t there. And you wouldn’t be there without the other guy.” You told him, doing your best to provide comfort.

“That's nice.” Dr. Banner responded.

“I’ll let you two get to work” You said, using your hands to boost yourself onto the lab table.

You watched for an hour or two before Fury stormed in.

“What are you doing, Mr. Stark?” Fury demanded

“Uh...kind of been wondering the same thing about you.” Mr. Stark shot back.

“You're supposed to be locating the Tesseract.” Fury told him.

We are. The model's locked and we're sweeping for the signature now. When we get a hit, we'll have the location within half a mile.” Dr. Banner told him, looking up from his computer.

“And you'll get your cube back, no muss, no fuss.” Mr. Stark said. He suddenly looked down at his computer “What is Phase 2?” He asked.

A loud thud caused the four of you to turn around, to see Captain Rogers, with a large assault rifle on the table, and Captain Rogers looked pissed.

“Phase 2 is S.H.I.E.L.D. uses the cube to make weapons.” He said, and then turned to Mr. Stark. “Sorry, the computer was moving a little slow.”

“Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we're…” Fury trailed off.

“I'm sorry, Nick.” Mr. Stark said. He moved the screen, so everyone in the room could see.

Weapon plans. ”What, were you lying?”

“I was wrong, director. The world hasn't changed a bit.” Captain Rogers said. At that moment, Thor and Agent Romanoff walked into the lab. Romanoff keeps her eyes trained on Banner. Banner looked back, mad.

“Did you know about this?” He asked.

“You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor?” Agent Romanoff asked, tilting her head slightly.

“I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed.” Dr. Banner shot back.

“Loki's manipulating you.” Agent Romanoff told him.

“And you've been doing what exactly?” Dr. Banner asked her.

“You didn't come here because I bat my eyelashes at you.” Agent Romanoff said.

“Yes, and I'm not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy.” Dr. Banner told her angrily. “I'd like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction.”

“Because of him.” You piped up, answering for Fury.

“Me?” Thor asked, obviously stunned.

“Last year earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly, hilariously, outgunned.” Fury explained.

“My people want nothing but peace with your planet.” Thor said, deflecting the comment.

“But you're not the only people out there, are you? And, you're not the only threat. The world's filling up with people who can't be matched, they can't be controlled.” Fury continued

“Like you controlled the cube?” Captain Rogers asked,

“Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it, and his allies. It is the signal to all the realms that the earth is ready for a higher form of war.” Thor argued.

“A higher form?” Steve asked.

“You forced our hand. We had to come up with something.” Fury told Thor.

“Nuclear deterrent. `Cause that always calms everything right down.” Mr. Stark muttered sarcastically.

“Remind me again how you made your fortune, Stark?” Fury asked, turning the conversation off Thor and to Mr. Stark.

“I'm sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep...” Captain Rogers was cut off.

“Wait! Wait! Hold on! How is this now about me?” Mr. Stark asked.

“I'm sorry, isn't everything?” Captain Rogers asked, walking up to Mr. Stark.

“I thought humans were more evolved than this.”

“Excuse me, did we come to your planet and blow stuff up?” Fury argued.

You gave a small shake of your head, always having hated arguments, and this one was amongst some of the most powerful people on earth.

“Did you always give your champions such mistrust?” Thor asked.

“Are you all really that naive? S.H.I.E.L.D monitors potential threats”

“Captain America is on watch list?” Banner asked

“You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?” Mr. Stark jabbed.

“I swear to God, Stark, one more crack…” Captain. Rogers trailed off.

“Threatening! I feel threatened!” Mr. Stark said loudly.

The member’s of Fury’s initiative argue, and you notice a blue glint on the edge of the screens.

A blue glint that was coming from the scepter.

“You speak of control, yet you court chaos.” Thor said.

“It's his M.O., isn't it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We're a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We're... we're a time-bomb.” Dr. Banner shook his head.

“You need to step away.” Fury told him

“Why shouldn't the guy let off a little steam?” Asked Mr. Stark, putting his arm around Captain Rogers’ shoulder.

He pushed Mr. Stark off. “You know damn well why! Back off!”

“Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me.” Mr. Stark went face to face with him.

“Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?” The Captain asked.

“Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” Mr. Stark retorted.

“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. Yeah, I've seen the footage.” Captain Rogers argued. “The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.”

“I think I would just cut the wire.” Mr. Stark shot back.

“Always a way out... You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.” Captain Rogers shook his head, and you saw something change in Mr. Stark’s eyes, and you knew this would be a fight for the ages.

“A hero? Like you? You're a lab rat, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle!” Shouted Mr. Stark.

You didn’t know why, but you got an uneasy feeling, like something was very wrong.

“Put on the suit, let's go a few rounds.” Captain Rogers told him, puffing out his chest. Thor laughed at them. “You people are so petty... and tiny.”

Tony rubbed his head, moving away from Captain Rogers

“Yeah, this is a tea…” Dr. Banner started.

“Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his…” Fury trailed off.

“Where? You rented my room.” Dr. Banner asked angrily.

“The cell was just in case…” Fury argued.

“In case you needed to kill me, but you can't! I know! I tried!” He erupted, and you didn’t know why, but you felt a pang of something. It felt like jealousy. Maybe you really did want to kill yourself. “I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out! So I moved on. I focused on helping other people. I was good, until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk!” He started breathing heavily, and looked towards Romanoff. “You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm?” He asked, grabbing the center, and you were up in a flash, and Romanoff and Fury both had hands resting on their guns.

“Doctor Banner... put down the scepter.” The Captain said softly, and Dr. Banner looked down, almost surprised that he was holding it.

And then the computer beeped.

“Got it.” Mr. Stark said, and Banner set down the scepter and walked over.

“Sorry, kids. You don't get to see my little party trick after all.” You really hoped that wasn’t a jab towards you.

“Located the Tesseract?” Thor asked.

“I can get there faster.” Mr. Stark said quickly.

“I can get there faster than he can” You piped up.

“Look, all of us…” Captain Rogers said.

“The Tesseract belongs on Asgard, no human is a match for it.” Thor said.

Mr. Stark turned to leave, but was stopped by an angry Captain.

“You're not going alone!”

“You gonna stop me?” Mr. Stark asked.

“Put on the suit, let's find out.” Captain Rogers retorted.

“I'm not afraid to hit an old man.” Said Mr. Stark.

You looked over Dr. Banner’s shoulder to see what was going on with the Tesseract.

“Put on the suit.” Captain Rogers shot back.

And then you saw it, and you were pretty sure that Dr. Banner noticed it at the same time as you.

And your suspicion was confirmed when the Doctor’s voice yelled out, “Oh, my God!”

Taglist:

@acethecardsblog @broukaitlyn-blog

#another chance #avengers x reader #avengers x teen!reader #avengers x platonic!reader #avengers #avengers imagine #avengers fanfiction

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starryyyjoon · 4 years ago

Text

I, you | Kim Namjoon One Shot

word count: 8.2k

pairing: idol!namjoon x fem reader

summary: namjoon meets you again and he can't help but want you to look at him the same way he has all these years.

disclaimer: it's sort of written from y/n pov. kind of smut included, not too much but still. other then that, i don't think there's anything. it was written a long time ago so i don't clearly remember, sorry!

Namjoon walked in, followed by a few staff members and they occupied the empty chairs on the conference table and I smiled at him and the others. He looked great like always, he was in a navy blue hoodie and a khaki colored trouser, with his hair pushed backwards exposing his forehead.

There was something and nothing between me and him and it was too tiring to play pretend. "You look good", he remarked and I smiled at him. He's always being too kind, I looked like absolute shit, I hadn't slept in three days and my clothes were whatever was in my reach that I'd put on after showering and I rushed here.

I had met him before this level of success but I was merely an assistant director myself and we'd talked about Monet and his work together, he'd similar interests to mine but both of us didn't really get anywhere because of our timing and I believed it was for the good. He'd always expressed how he liked my vision and wants to work with me on something and I didn't believe my vision because what even was my vision that he could see and not me and after being this big I didn't really thought he'll even remember me until he hit my phone one day and here I was, at the label's office to discuss the details of his mixtape's music video.

"So, do you've something in mind?", I asked him and he pressed his back on the chair letting out a yawn, he seemed tired.

"Not really! I want it simplistic and not too hard to understand. I haven't thought about it or anything so I don't know, I would await what you propose", he softly said.

"I haven't heard the track because of--", he intervened, "--ah you haven't? You should hear it first", he said and I nodded.

"I would need to hear it", I told him, thinking about the lengthy talks with the illustrator already.

The staff then pin pointed about the budget, the do nots and other details and two of my team members who were seated beside me talked thoroughly in detail about the technicalities. Namjoon looked bored with all the talk that didn't interest him. He wasn't much different from before slightly bigger.

All of us stood up coming to an agreement when Namjoon asked me to walk up to his studio to hear the track and I asked my team members to go ahead first. I walked through the dark corridor behind him while he talked to someone on the phone, all the way to his studio. I didn't really hear what he was talking because I was invested in staring around the place like I hadn't seen a building before.

The walls were all dark and a comforting shade since I didn't like the sun anyway. It seemed like a night mode in real life.

His studio was the corner most, he typed the passcode in and stood aside gesturing for me to walk in, followed by him. He hung up the phone call and put his phone aside, switching the AC on. He sat behind the monitor while he switched it on and I went through my inbox.

"So, how have you been?", his deep tone, made me look up and I fidgeted to put my eyes on something other then him while he turned his chair around to face me.

"I have been okay-ish, like the projects I'm doing I'm satisfied with them so I guess it's kinda okay", I said and regretted it immediately, I don't even talk like this and he knows it.

"Not the work c'mon, you, your boyfriend, family, other things?", a lose smile hung on his lips and I looked at him. How can someone look like that?

"No boyfriend because you know no one can put up with this profession. I haven't slept in three days so I'm fucking annoyed and the work is too much that I don't have time for other things", I shrugged and he chuckled. I didn't want to think about guys, I barely had time for myself. Filmmaking was a time bound profession.

"I relate, trust me I do", he turned his chair back around, his eyes on the computer screen and I looked at him. I could see why he could relate, I mean of course he didn't had time either. I knew idol schedules enough to know how these things go. "Why didn't you come that day?", he asked me and my insides twisted.

"I was hoping you don't bring it up", I said in a small voice.

"Why not? I waited for you", he said without looking at me and I threw my head back on the couch thinking of the time when he'd asked me out officially and I didn't make it. "At least I deserve to know what was more important that you didn't make it", he looked at me and I closed my eyes shut.

"I had a flight, I got an exclusive food show travel experience with discovery and it was too good for an opportunity to miss", I let it out and took a breath in. I knew I could never leave work for a guy, any guy, or anyone as a matter of fact and as much as I'd thought about it on the plane...it all seemed for the better. He wasn't the kind of guy I could've had my regular thing with and I was too young to be serious.

"It was a good show", he told me. I could feel his eyes on me and I didn't flinch. I didn't regret it but his words made me feel guilty. My head was on the headrest of the sofa I sat on and my eyes were closed. My subconscious could feel his curious gaze on me.

"Look away Namjoon", I said and I could feel his gaze was still on me.

"Why didn't you call me when you got back?", he asked me and I looked at him.

"I didn't because our cultures differ, everything is poles apart--what's the point of discussing it now?", I asked him, slightly annoyed. He and I separately needed to focus on our careers and he knew it too damn well.

"Okay", he turned around again as his monitor showed a circle indicating that the programme he'd launched was loading. "It does makes me feel better that my better position in life doesn't changes your opinion on me. Quiet comforting", he said, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice but I chose to ignore it. The last thing I'd be doing is fueling this feeling in him by discussing this useless thing which wouldn't make any difference whatsoever.

"Is this the reason you wanted me to do this project with you?", I asked him and he swiftly turned his chair around.

"No, I don't take all this for granted. I love the stuff you do. I'm pretty updated thanks to how active you're on your social media", he smiled and I couldn't shook the thought of seeing my psychotic episodes on my Instagram, Twitter...everywhere. I'm pretty weird out there.

"I love it, the stories", he flased his dimple smile before turning his chair around again and I felt his warmth, like he meant what he said.

For a second I was taken aback with how tall he was from me and how good he looked, he'd always looked good but he was more mature now and much more reserved. "I'll be calling you often because I won't send it for pre-production without your say on the concept", I told him.

"I'll look forward to a lot of calls", he said. "I'm sorry this is taking a while", he added quickly and for some reason I couldn't look away from him, whose back was visible to me.

"No, take your time", I said, crossing my arms against my chest. I really wished he was a regular guy just making music but then I didn't. I wouldn't want someone to wish that for me. He'd earned all of it and I knew it.

"Look away ___", he said slowly. I could feel his grin through his words and I looked away shaking my head right and left softly. "It's, yeah it's playing", he turned around as the music filled in the empty atmosphere.

It was a slow song with a really fast rap. It was how Namjoon was, he contradicted himself too much. I instantly knew it was his writing from the way the words went and the wordplay came into role. I couldn't help but analyze the song because I was supposed to shoot and sketch a music video for it and at times like this I didn't really get to enjoy the art for the art and I hated it.

"How was it?", he asked me, his eyes fixated on me as the music faded. I wanted it to last.

"The only problem with it is that it ends", I flashed a smlie at him and he shook his head throwing it back.

"That's too corny even for you", Namjoon rolled his eyes but I was being serious. "You know I appreciate heavy critics", he said.

"I didn't find anything to criticize, the writing is great, the composition fits and it has a catchy vibe to it. I think I would listen a song like that on a drive or something? In your case a bicycle but yeah! It's a good song", I summarized my opinion. "Do you like want a trendy video?", I asked him.

"Anything that you want to do with it", he said and I gently nodded. Since it was given to me, I couldn't stop thinking about what to do with it.

"Can you stop thinking about it while you're with me ___?", he chuckled and I looked at him taken aback for a second and then nodded with a soft smile pasted on my lips.

"Your fashion sense has improved", I remarked.

"You look casual", he teased me.

"I, I've no fashion sense. I just wear whatever is there", I told him.

"I don't think so, your Instagram says different", he said.

"It's for the show Namjoon", I said.

"You're really not the type to do that, please don't deceive me", he beamed before he turned his chair around again to minimize the current tabs on the computer.

"You're the last person I'd be deceiving--", my words were cut from an incoming call from one of the producers of one of the shows I was working on. "I need to take this", I told him and answered the call while he just gave me a gentle nod in response.

The producer had informed me about the issues related to casting and the final draft of the script and I knew I had to go.

"Guess I'll see you later, bye", Namjoon said warmly as he smiled at me. The thing was he just knew and that always stuck somewhere.

"Bye", I left.

________________

"I, for one, disagree. C'mon how do you even call it an end?", I threw my hands in the air as we discussed it for the millionth time. I liked Su-ho but his thoughts on GOT made me want to kill him. He is the only person I knew who was satisfied with how it ended.

"I think it was okay, c'mon, you have to consider that the novels didn't end and as compared to that I think it was pretty good", Su-ho claimed while he sat on the bean bag in front of me, pushing it comfortably.

"Don't even start with the novels--", my words were interrupted with the sound of the doorbell, "--they didn't even do a good job interpreting it and I am offended by that. Look there novels", I pointed at my bookshelf, showing him my GOT collection which he knew as I opened the door and my head bumped against Namjoon's chest as he took a step in.

He chuckled as he held the back of my head with one hand and pressed my forehead with the other and rubbed it gently to ease the pain.

"What's uh, what's that? Is it iron", I mocked, pointing at his chest while he let me go from his grip and took his shoes off.

"It can be", he said. "But why were you jumping around so enthusiastically?", he asked me as he seated on the couch in front of Su-ho, as he greeted him and Su-ho greeted him back.

"Game of Thrones heavy discussions", I sighed. "This is Su-ho who's illustrating the storyboard", I told Namjoon.

Su-ho was starstruck and it seemed like it'd take him a good minute to recover and Namjoon was obviously used to it. I didn't call him at the office because a lot of people would want to see him then and it could be exhausting plus he'd a time limit on his hands.

"You know him, ___?", Su-ho widened his eyes at me and I nodded, suppressing my laughter seeing his chaotic ass behave like this.

"A little", I said and I could feel Namjoon's gaze on me. "Maybe a lot", I rephrased. I could see by the way Su-ho looked at me that he needed answers. "Coffee?", I asked Namjoon.

"Oh yeah", he replied and I stood up. "I've thought of two concepts, Su-ho please brief him on it and if you want anything differently Namjoon, you can tell him", I told him as I marched towards the kitchen.

Should I use the regular coffee mugs or should I use the better ones? I mean it doesn't matter anyway but still, it kind of does? I don't know. It just comes to me, the over thinking.

Ah.

I could hear him and Su-ho talking about the concepts faintly and I was low-key proud because I did work hard on them. I opened the cabinet to take out the better coffee mugs.

This is what happens when you stop drinking milk and stop growing up. I rested my hands on the kitchen pavement thinking about how many shoes with heels I'd because of my height.

I wasn't very short but I wasn't my desired height too. It was sad. I was the right person to sell the tonics concerning height because my insecurity would make me buy it. I exhaled heavily and turned around to find Namjoon behind me.

"Let me", my hips pressed against the marble pavement while his body gently pressed against my front, I could spot the mole on his neck while he calmly took the box of mugs out. "Okay?", he whispered softly and I looked on without responding.

"Thanks", I told him, hoping he'd get away from me because this had me feeling some type of way. I won't admit what type of way. That makes it worse.

"Anytime", he clicked his lips, taking a few steps back as I stirred the coffee and poured it in three cups. Should've used regular ones.

"I like the quotes on that wall", he said as I handed him his cup, taking the other two. A wall of my house was covered in post-it notes and other stuff. Some print outs of Van Gogh and Frida's works alongside other things.

"Yeah that? Thanks", I said, as I gave the cup to Su-ho. "Did you decide on something?", I asked, as I sat down and Namjoon just beside me.

"Yeah, the first one. It was kind of okay, he made some alterations so I would send it to you by...maximum tomorrow", Su-ho told me. "But why did you call him here for just this?", he asked me.

"You seem so concerned about his whereabouts", I glared Su-ho . "I told him I could just email him but he insisted on doing it in person", I looked at Namjoon who took a long sip from his coffee.

"Yeah I did, don't worry I was absolutely free", Namjoon smiled at Su-ho and I could see Su-ho fanboy-ing.

"You're so in line today", I pressed my words.

"Shut up", Su-ho eyed me. I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug feeling its warmth.

After I talked to Namjoon for a while about the shoot and he explained to me about their company procedure and how they usually did things. I didn't like doing music videos or commercials, there's a lot of time you're bound by what the music video demands and you've to stick with that so that was that. I usually preferred either cinema like movies or dramas, I hadn't done much but I had done a few and travel shows were my preference.

"I'll see you next time then", Su-ho politely remarked looking at Namjoon and he smiled and gently bowed his head. I walked with him up-to the door. "I didn't, what the hell, you could've given me a heads up?", Su-ho whispered slowly to me as I leaned against the door.

"I didn't knew you were a fan", I said and he playfully hit me on my arm.

"I still can't believe it, you've to answer my hot questions next time", he said and I nodded.

"Okay okay", I closed the door shut behind me, taking a seat on the far side of the sofa me and Namjoon were seated on. He was scanning my bookshelf and I was looking at him.

"Literally 70% of it is fiction", he said. I read a lot of fiction and he read a lot of nonfiction.

"You should read fiction", I said and he looked at me slightly pissed.

"I do read fiction just not thar much", he pointed at my bookshelf. "If you've to recommend one, shoot", he said.

"Recommend, uh, the secrets of happiness", I said randomly and his face sunk in annoyance. "It's not a book talking about literal secrets of happiness, it has a story", I told him.

"Ah okay...I will try reading that. Let me take your copy", he said.

"No", I said back in a split second.

"I won't lose it, c'mon, ___", he said. I couldn't believe his testimony on not losing it.

"Fine, but it's annotated. You'll owe me big time if you lose it", I said and he nodded vigorously.

"Your place is great", he said looking around the house and I couldn't see why, I mean yeah maybe but not that I find it great if I think from his point of view.

"I'm barely here anyway. I pay rent for no reason", I kept the empty mug in my hand on the glass table in front of us.

"That was your friend though, Su-ho?", Namjoon asked as he kept his cup, followed by me.

"Oh yeah! I met him for work but then it's been a while since I know him, it's been years actually and he's a friend now", I said thinking about Su-ho. I don't know why I bothered explaining. It's been a good five years since Namjoon and I hadn't been in touch and there was a little catching up to do.

"You've always had a lot of friends, don't you", he sighed as he sat cross legged on the sofa facing me. I do have plenty friends honestly.

"Kind of", I shrugged. His gaze on me made me sit back in a more cautious way as I fixed my posture. "Namjoon...", I called out his name when the doorbell rung and I was irritated. "Give me a second", I stood up and walked up-to the main door.

It was my neighbor who's mother had left their house keys with me and he was here to take it back. He thanked me for keeping it and walked up to his own flat which was in front of mine.

I closed the door shut and Namjoon was standing by the balcony seeing a cactus I had grown since I couldn't grow any other plant because I was never home to take care of them in case.

"It's cute", he said as he picked the potted plant and stared at it for a little while and I stood behind him and watched him see it.

"You know your pupils dilate when you see plants", I said and he smiled to himself. He kept the cactus back in its resting place and stared at me. "What?", I asked him.

"You were going to say something", he said, his voice sounded deeper then usual for a second and I licked my bottom lip in haste.

"Oh that, you know the alterations you made? I will directly mail it to the staff and maybe cc you because it won't need a second check anyway. I've to get this done a little early since I've--", he turned towards me and I took a step back but there was barely any space and my back was pressed against the wall, "--what is it?", I asked but it came out as a whisper.

"Here", he dragged his index finger across my bottom lip and there was something on my lip. I didn't really see what was on there because of his presence so close to me. My heartbeat had fastened and I could feel it. Something I didn't want to feel.

"Thanks, I guess", I said slowly and he flashed his dimple smile at me and in that moment he seemed the opposite of the dominant he was a few seconds ago.

"Do you know you look really good?", he said, as his fingers ran across my ear touching the piercings one by one. I regretted having three all of a sudden. "And I didn't intended to do this but ___ I uh", he bent over a little, his lips a few inches away from my ear and his breath was falling on my neck.

"Namjoon", I said, trying to not look at him. I knew damn well I couldn't be able to control myself.

"Hmm", his voice was so small and I could feel goosebumps all over my neck. His gaze on me was strong and I had jitters in my stomach.

"I, uh--let's not okay", I put my hands on his shoulder as he pulled me more closer with a jolt and I gasped.

"Do you really not want to?", he asked me. It was a while since I was in this close proximity of someone like this but my subconscious kept telling me not to. "I don't understand what you find so undesirable about me", he took a few steps back and looked away.

What?

"Do you think I find you undesirable?", I asked him, pressing my lips suppressing my smile. I couldn't get how could he change roles in a span of few seconds.

"Yeah, it's pretty evident really", he sighed, looking at the the far side of the sky at the horizon and I saw him sulking.

"It's not that, are you fucking dumb? It's just you know you shouldn't start things you can't take care of", I said. For some reason I've always felt a little hesitant with him. "But you're desirable enough", I added.

"Sudden validation from you, ah", he clicked his lips in mockery and I felt bad. The last thing I wanted was to look like I was playing hard to get. I didn't feel competent enough in my heart. "Let me kiss you", he said, taking a few steps closer breaking the chain of my thoughts and I hated being so much in control and feeling a little out of place.

I was back to where I was a few seconds ago, me cornered and he put his lips on mine and my body automatically responded. He took over me in a second. My hands rested on his back and clutched the fabric. His hands travelled below my hips as he pulled me upwards and my legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't stop kissing me for one second and I didn't want him to, as he pressed his mouth harder on mine and I bit back a moan. I could feel the heat in my body and every vein seemed to electrify. He walked me up-to my bedroom like he knew which suddenly felt foreign to me as he laid me on the bed, breaking the kiss and I was breathless, panting for air.

I didn't had any resort in me to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I couldn't care more about whatever that had me concerned for a while. He watched me look at him and his lips curved in a smirk. "Should I stop?", he teased me taking a seat on the edge of the bed and I looked away from him to the right side, scoffing.

I pushed myself up, my hands at the hem of the lose white t-shirt I'd on and for a second I hesitated at the fact that he must've seen better flesh than mine but I pulled it upwards exposing myself in front of him as his eyes went everywhere. "Do you want to stop?", I asked him, as I crawled over to him. He didn't object as I sat on his lap and took his face in my hands. I looked in his eyes. He looked beautiful. I traced the outline of his skull, his jaw as I pushed his hair locks that were on his forehead behind. "Do you want to stop Namjoon?", I asked him again as he held me tight, giving me my answer.

He tugged at my neck with his mouth leaving a trail of gentle kisses down and I could feel my nipples startlingly prominent beneath the black lightweight bra I had on. I clutched his hair as he bit my neck suddenly and I gasped.

He pushed me on to him, nearer but there was barely any space for me to come close and I could feel him all over. He messily kissed me before groping my bottom and I-I cut a breath in. He would take turns and be gentler a second and rough the another. "Namjoon", I called out gasping which fueled him even more. He looked at me and smiled proudly at how he had me without doing much.

He flicked the straps of my bra shoving it down exposing my breasts and I could feel my nipples harden to the point it was painful. I wanted him. I wanted him to touch me, more. The way my body responded to his touch was almost funny, how quick, how wet.

I patiently unbuttoned his shirt and stripped it off of him while he looked at me with a gaze I couldn't quite make anything of, he just looked at me while he let me work on him. My hands touched his chest and my eyes examined his torso, his skin was warm and his gaze on me gave me confidence like he wanted me back as much I wanted him.

I was forgetting my own desperation for his touch as my hand traveled behind his back, trailing down to his spine and he looked at me as he cut a sharp breath in and I felt good seeing him giving in to me. His arms surrounded mine unclasping my bra in a second and he threw it off on the floor.

I half expected him to grab me and grope my breast but he swept me in his arms as his vaguely pink mouth pressed against mine and instead of hastily grabbing me, his mouth simply rested against mine and it was worse, much more intoxicating. I, on instinct coiled my arms against his neck.

As my tongue demanded entrance and he smiled before letting me, and in a second, roles were reversed, the romantic was gone. He took control and pressed his mouth harder on me with his thumb and finger pressing my nipple and my nails dug deeper in his neck. "Joon...", I on instinct called out, as I gasped for breath but he didn't let me.

He was hard against me and I grinded next to him which seemed to please him while he left my mouth, burning with a wanting for more while my sex clenched as he took control of my body putting his arms around my back and they were free to go anywhere. I wouldn't dare stop him.

A second later, he laid me on the bed and hovered over me before taking my shorts off in a whirl and pushed my underwear off me that it didn't seem reusable. I anticipated his actions but he pushed a thumb into my bottom without no warning and I clutched the sheets, a yell escaping my mouth. My fingers curled meanwhile his other arm grabbed my breast cupping it and a second later his forefinger and middle finger slipped inside of me and my grip on the sheets tightened.

"Shh", he hissed in my ear and I hadn't realized a moan had escaped my mouth. My whole body rocked in less then a minute and I couldn't control my voice, I gasped for breath and I moaned even louder then before. "I didn't take you for a screamer ___", Namjoon seemed amused while embarrassment washed over me as I laid exposed in front of him.

"Let me go down on you", I told him and he looked taken aback as I pushed myself up.

"Do you really want to?", he asked and I shifted closer to him, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I would love to", I told him. "Do you want me to?", I asked him.

"Yeah, I mean yeah", he said when his phone rang echoing in the room and his face flushed into irritation as he looked at me and I nodded gesturing him to take it. He took it out of his pocket and answered it. With every word he spoke, his irritation grew. He hung up the phone call. "Where's the wardrobe?", he asked me and my eyes pointed behind him.

Namjoon opened my wardrobe and took out a very lose t-shirt of his choice from my stack of comfortable clothes. He held my arms and slipped the t-shirt on me, pulling me close. He stroked my face and he smiled in my face which forced me to smile as well.

"Am I suppose to expect something from you or should I forget this?", I asked him as his fingers tucked the few strands of my hair behind my ear.

"You're supposed to expect everything, don't dare forget it", he whispered in my ear, nibbling on it and I couldn't help but giggle. "I want to talk to you but I've to go now and I hate it", he smiled at me.

"Okay, go", I told him and he chuckled before letting me off him and he wore his shirt back on.

After seeing him off and taking a shower, I laid back on the couch in the living room thinking about everything that had happened. I didn't regret it, I wasn't thinking much about it anyway.

The guys I'd sex with or made out with, I disliked them because of their narcissism. I appreciated my ability to find guys that were a-grade assholes. I've always had this feeling that I am lacking in some sense with other people. I look normal, like I should but I get this insecurity when taking my clothes off.

I didn't knew what Namjoon thought about it and asking him would be weird. No one who knows me like him would think I am this insecure or anxious about this stuff but then a major part of it has to do with my aura, I guess?

________________

I took a bite of the sandwich that I held in my hand as I walked around the second set just nearby to the first one. I stood afar, taking a good look, even though the storyboard fits the sights I still need to frame out a rough sketch work in my head.

I took another bite staring at the beach and the path to it and then back to the set that we'd build up by man power. It was pretty accurate in my eyes but I wanted to hear from my assistant director.

I took the walkie talkie out from the pocket of my denim and pressed the centre button, "Jae-chan, where are you?"

In a second he reverted, "Ah sunbae I am near the gripper".

"Come to the road that leads to the beach", I said, before shoving the walkie talkie down in my pocket.

The sea met the sky at the far point of the horizon and how the world is full of these illusions which are not real we know but we still believe. After all there's beauty in things that you don't get. Vastness maybe?

Sea and sky — the two melancholic blues.

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan broke the chain of my thoughts and I glanced at him before looking at the sea. His breath was heavy, I could tell he ran here.

"You could have walked, Chan-ah", I said, smiling. He was really young and passionate about filmmaking but also a little silly. He's cute.

"Ah it's okay. Did you need something?", he asked politely and I shook my head. I liked the input of many people on the same thing, it showed the number of opinions that could centre around one thing that you make in a different context which is then perceived in another.

"Do you think this is accurate in terms of the story board?", I asked him and he seemed lost in thought.

"I would say slightly better because the storyboard is still animation and this is real so I would say better. I'm pretty sure it'll be good sunbae", he told me and I could feel a smile flush on my lips. "You are nervous, aren't you?", he asked me.

"Yeah", I wrinkled my nose, turning around to walk off. I patted Jae Chan's back and he started walking with me.

"You don't have to be, and oh, he's here", he said assuring me and I knew who he meant by he.

My mind automatically went to the day in my apartment. Namjoon had messaged me after but he got busier with his work and I am not a text-er plus I'd a lot of things to do before I left Korea. It was, I didn't knew anything and I didn't want to think about it. I hoped he'd pretend nothing happened, please. But I knew he won't.

I sighed and as I entered the main set, around the vanity and food truck, the manager and Namjoon's staff members greeted me. After that, I mean impractically I wanted earth to open and swallow me. Living is hard anyway.

I'd a flight on the weekend, I'd to pack and I'd to get new boots but I'm just dumb because I'm trying to think of other things. I need a new nail paint, do I? I looked at my nails which were painted black. Maybe grey?

"Sunbae?", Jae Chan shook me and I looked at him. He gestured me to look up front and Namjoon was right there looking like Namjoon.

"Hi", I awkwardly waved at him.

"Hi", he flashed his dimple smile at me. His dimple smile hits me.

"You can get the makeup and hair done, I've a few things to recheck", I excused myself. This is awkward. This is so awkward. I hate it.

Even though I had that awkwardness lingering around but we were nearing to the end of the shoot which went really good because everyone worked so hard. It was mostly one-takes and the lighting supported the whole setting making it so easier for us to finish.

Moreover, it was a while since I had done a music video so it felt good being back on a set like this. Namjoon looked really good with the styling and although I knew the outfits pre-shoot, he still looked better then I'd imagined him to look which enhanced the whole vibe of the music video. He owned earthly tones.

That's why casting and styling is so important. Very much. Makes a gigantic difference.

"What's wrong with you?", I didn't notice he was standing next to me with a small fan in his hands while we prepped for the last shot.

"What's wrong with me?", I asked him, as I adjusted the frame in the main camera. I didn't want this conversation especially right now, especially here.

"I mean...you knowww?", I could feel his stare while I shifted the camera, something is wrong with this.

"I don't know", I said, without looking at him. I was unintentionally making him mad and nothing else.

"I was really scared that you'd say this and see, I mean, why can't you behave normal when I mention anything about us?", he hissed near me and I looked around. Luckily there was no one in our proximity to hear this conversation.

"I-I, Namjoon", I exclaimed, vaguely pointing at the setting hoping we could do this later and I could explain that I would love us but he needs to understand that I won't even be in Korea as much as he thinks I would be and that's why it won't work out.

"I don't care", he eyed me.

"I do. I care, okay? There's no us to begin with and I know I was stupid enough to ask you what I should expect out of, what would you call it, we made out. That's that", I tried being really slow and I could feel annoyance in his sight.

"Made out! Okay, okay fine. I can't believe I deal with you. You're the one who doesn't text or call or even respond to it and that's bare minimum ___", he pondered and I internally rolled my eyes.

I was leaving on the weekend. I was always leaving. That's it. "I don't have to and I have a life Namjoon. I've been working non stop all this time. I don't expect you to understand", I said, standing up from my seat while I called for the head DOP from the walkie talkie.

"You don't want to be understood ___", Namjoon said, grabbing me from my arm and stopping me. He wasn't wrong. A few eyes snapped and I forced a smile immediately. "I like you, I like you a lot. Deal with it", he walked past me.

Deal with it.

As if.

Very abruptly, the last shot rolled in and it was over. The music video was done in a day. It was originally a two day sketch but we had to narrow it down to one day because of Namjoon's schedule and it was worrisome because it did seem impossible but things went smoothly and it was successfully over.

I told Jae Chan to wrap the filming site, though most of it was done while I was present. I picked my bag from a table to leave, kept right ahead from the vanity. Namjoon had left, I guess. I wasn't sure because after the last shot he was angry. He had his jaw clenched all that time, he barely managed to keep it out on the music video.

He was like this, his anger was pretty evident and that hadn't changed.

I like you. I like you a lot.

I couldn't wrap my head around that thought. Did he like me all this time? It sounded pretty crazy to me. I had never thought about anything with Namjoon. He was a friend I could like but I didn't, I had never expected anything out of my acquaintance with him anyway.

"You ate?", his deep voice made me look at him who stood at the steps of the vanity. He hadn't left yet.

"No", I said. He had changed into his normal clothes, the makeup was gone but he still looked great. His natural complexion was shining as the set lights fell onto his face. It made me surer how Namjoon needed someone who could be there rather then somebody who's never there.

"Come eat something", he said calmly. He looked much composed then before.

"I am not hungry", I stated just when he darted towards me. He held me by my forearm, dragging me into the vanity which was empty except for us. A few dishes were laid out on the table in front of the small couch.

"Eat and leave", he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of the mirrors fidgeting with his phone while I quietly sat on the couch. I just wanted it to be over but I'd no appetite so I kept staring at the couple of Italian dishes which were pasta, carbonara I guess, rissoto and also jjangmyeong. "Just eat anything ___", he said, without bothering to look at me.

"I don't really have an appetite", I said, throwing my head back and looking at the ceiling of the vanity.

"What you've is a habit of skipping meals", he eyed me.

I looked at him. "Do you remember everything? Like literally everything?", I asked him as curiosity brimmed in my eyes.

"You don't?", he asked me back. "Well, for me, yeah I do. I did remember every thing but I should probably forget now. I didn't really asked to work with you because I wanted something but I can't say I didn't hope", he locked his phone and kept it on the space in front him. "I mean, we did had something. We did have something a few days ago. You can't exactly call me a friend and I've never seen you as one. The moment you walked in trying to fix the mess on the set since then till now I can't say I didn't hope you'd look at me the same way", he said, bringing all the memories back alive, but it was true, I never looked at him the way he'd wanted me to, hell, I couldn't believe it one bit. "It's true", he said, as if he just read my mind.

It was, it didn't made sense to me. How could he? Why would he? I uh, I think shit's wrong with me because even now I can't seem to focus on someone who confessed their feelings and that someone being Namjoon from all people.

I remember when I was one of the assistant directors under the director for one of the most low-key and low budget project. They didn't had many resources and our firm wasn't doing well either. We always had to come up with hacks, unknown locations for shooting...it was always so hard. We didn't had any respect in the industry.

It was two companies in one boat at the end of bankruptcy and we were so young and such good friends. I knew the rest of the members too but I kind of had a certain vibe with Namjoon. He could get me without having to speak.

I locked at him, his face was fixated on me and I could like him, in fact I did love him not romantically, I just did. I had a lot of love for him. He was caring for the people around him and I loved talking to him. He never once made anyone feel like he was a celebrity back then and a global celebrity now well yeah. He did deserve someone who could be here for him.

He stood up and walked towards me and my eyes followed him. He took a seat next to me and I could see he picked a bowl up but I didn't see which one because I couldn't stop looking at him. Namjoon took a significant amount and extended it to me and I looked at the noodles for a second and then at him. He just nodded and I ate it.

It was good.

"Thanks", I said, wiping the corners of my mouth with my fingers.

"Do you want me to feed you all the way or can you eat your own?", he asked me.

"I will eat", I told him and he gave me the bowl so I could eat on my own. "You ate?", I asked him and he instantly nodded.

"You're going somewhere, aren't you?", he asked me and I felt as if I've just been struck with something.

"Hmm", I said, my mouth almost filled. "And, I...I want to tell you something like adults and clear it. Namjoon you know my work and I am always not here, never. It's useless. Trust me on this, it's not like that but you know you'll need someone beside you and I can't be the one", I told him, calmly, before gulping water down.

"I know that but I'm okay with it. In fact, we would go hand in hand better because I can't take you out on exotic dates as well. This is what you get", he vaguely gestured at the vanity and I chuckled and he warmly smiled at me.

After a second, I spoke much seriously then before, "It will be hard and you know that. It'll be frustrating. You could hate me".

"If you've tired it with someone before, I am not exactly happy knowing this, but you shouldn't compare me with some random dude with a peculiar taste in leather clothing", he rolled his eyes, shifting his back comfortably.

"Hey! Don't be mean just because you see stuff on my Instagram", I scoffed and he maintained his long face.

"No really, what do you take me for? You think you won't have time for me? I won't have time for you", he went on.

"Namjoon", I dragged his name. His tendency to be sarcastic at odd moments is unmatched.

"Don't call my name like that", he stared at my eyes.

"Like what?", I asked him.

"Like you can love me", he said.

"I...you don't have to be like this", I said, keeping the empty bowl on the table.

"Give me a chance then, try it out. I would wait for you I promise", Namjoon took my hand in his and covered it with his warmth.

"Will I be able to...wait?", I looked away from him, thinking about it so hard.

"___ don't think too much. I promise, we'll be fine", he said, his hands travelling to my waist and before he could grab it. I screeched closer to him. I cupped his face and attached my lips to his, while his hands held on my body.

________________

My relationship with Namjoon was better then I imagined it. I tried my best to be there for him and he was surprisingly almost there for me but it wasn't exactly easy.

It was months and months of hardships and Namjoon was more needy then I thought him to be, he needed a lot of assurance. I don't understand the notion that he holds of everyone wanting me so he needs to be extra careful. I still don't get that his insecure ass doesn't trusts his own members, he won't let me meet them at all.

He was really different. He shifted from dominant to romantic in one second. I loved that. I kind of missed it so much.

He held my hand I could feel it by the way his skin felt against mine, he whirled me around and in a second his hand rested on my waist as he urged me to walk next to him. He was in a perfect disguise and I looked at him. I could tell he was smiling beneath his black mask.

"See, this is why I don't trust other guys! How could you let someone do this to you in the midst of the road in a foreign country?", he asked me.

"No stranger would confidently do this to anyone in a foreign country", I playfully hit him on his leg and he stopped, pretending to be gravely hurt. "I can't believe you", I looked at him as I went with his act. I supported him in standing completely. In a second, he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"I missed you", he softly whispered in my ear.

"I missed you too", I whispered back, softly. I pulled him in an empty alley and pulled his mask down. "I need you to do something", I told him, nibbling on his ear and I could feel my skin feel the heat that it yearned for since a couple of months before him going on tour.

"Right now?", he asked surprised.

"Yeah, right now", I said and I could feel him harden against my pelvis.

"You are...so, not right now. Let's go to your hotel room. I'm still famous", he pulled me closer and I chuckled. He turned me around, pulling his mask down, he kissed me hard. His mouth pressed against mine. I held him tightly and he gasped. "I love you", he softly said before pulling his mask up.

"I, you", I held his hand again.

#bts #bts fanfic #kim namjoon #namjoon #namjoon fic #namjoon smut #namjoon fanfic

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shadowturtlesstuff · 4 years ago

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You belong with me

so i decided to post wadsworth first. modern au cressworth- you belong with me taylor swift

Thomas throws his phone down on the bed with frustration swirling around him as he paces. I set down my pen and wait till he turns and spots me. We often find ourselves talking via paper throughout the nights, from questions about our day to helping each other study. It is also often we watch each other be angry at something, yet I've not seen him this bad before. Finally Thomas turns and catches my eye. He stands there for a second before smiling and I quickly move around my various workbooks till I find my notebook I use to talk to him. I take my sharpie and write: ‘Are you okay?’

I watch him shake his head ever so slightly, seemingly baffled at it, but he walks to his window and opens it. The wind brushes his deep brown hair and I can't help but want to reach out and run my hand through it. I curse myself for it as he motions for me to open my window. Moving my books and pens off of me and cursing at my stiff leg as I go and open the window. Somehow I manage to hit my arm in the process and I curse, which makes Thomas laugh slightly so I forgive my body for hurting me.

“You have a wicked mouth Wadsworth. Did you not learn cursing is unlady-like?” he teases and I relax slightly because of it.

“Fuck you,” I scowl at his smirk and the frigid wind. His eyes light up at my temper. We live across from one another, if we were to reach out we could hold hands. Which we have done. When I got rejected from the specific school I was desperate to go to, Thomas had managed to climb into my room and hold me as I cried. He's only ever needed to climb over twice to cheer me up, the other times have been to study or watch some romance programme he thought was good. I hoped wherever was troubling was something that wouldn't resort to me having to climb over. As much as I would want to, my brain may have a hard time letting me attempt it.

“I assume dear Wadworth, you want to ask what has made me so irate?” he asks, eyes focused on behind me and fingers tapping his window sill as he sits. I watch as his cat, ridiculously named Sir Isaac Mewton, jumps off his bed and onto his seat next to him. He grabs the cat and kisses the top of his head before holding him in his lap.

“Perhaps,” I say, moving so I rest my head on the wall, “perhaps I merely wanted to ask if Sir Issac was okay.” his eyes shift to mine and despite him still being angry they soften at my attempt at humour. I am not as good as Thomas at using humour to help someone, but he always does it for me.

“Really? You always refer to him as a little pest, whereas as with me, I am your dearest person, of course you want to know how I am feeling. My son is good though, very energetic today.” he smiles down at his cat. I remember the day he brought him home, he made me go over to his house and we spent all night playing with him. Thomas did, I ended up studying and making notes for the both of us while he gave Sir Isaac a ‘grand tour’ of his new home. The smile vanishes off Thomas's face and once again his gaze goes past me. “I assume you saw the call, well that was William. Yes, awful. Apparently though, there is a rumour that I'm with Miss Whitehall. I don't even remember her first name, but he was convinced of our relation despite my protests. Madness.” I watch him scoff, anger once again taking over his features. His cat nuzzles into him and Thomas leans into his cat. If I wasn't also mad now I'd smile at the sight.

“Is this the same William that had convinced everyone I was dating him?”

“Yes.”

“Bitch. Why on earth is he such a problem? Where on earth does he even make this assumptions about us?'' I find myself standing and pacing, trying to quell my own rising anger. A year ago, William had been my lab partner for a few weeks, he was friendly, but people had got it in their head that we were somehow together, and he went with it. Gossiped about me, even Thomas, and then was somehow enraged I dared to stop those rumours and be angry at him. I'd come home one day when it was particularly too much, when my father had found out and lectured me about it, as though I was in the wrong for standing up for myself. He'd cancel my lesson with my uncle out of spite, and I stormed upstairs. Thomas had been at the window, as if he was expecting me. One look at his face made me cry. I managed to open my window and he'd once again climbed in and held me as I cried. Then he made us watch this awful romance film together and held me still as I fell asleep on him.

“I have never once,” Thomas says, dragging me back from those awful memories, “shown interest in her, nor will I ever.” He drags a hand through his hair. “She's just- a lot.”

I huff a sigh. She is awful. Had been awful to Liza and I for years. With her short skirts, high heels and the most rotten attitude I have ever witnessed. It wasn't often that I'd hate someone like that, someone so different from me in nearly every way, but she has tried to make me feel that I don't belong because of my interest in science and not the traditional girl interests.. “That is the understatement of the year Cresswell. Beside, you wouldn't work, she's too- your,” I have no idea how to explain how excellent Thomas is, how wonderful his mind is and how kind he is. It's not a side he shows to most, yet if he was ever with someone like Whitehall, it would be disastrous. I take my seat again and find him looking at me, suppressing a smirk and raising an eyebrow at me. “What?” I ask. I shrink under his gaze, pulling my hoodie over my legs as I curl in on myself.

“I’m what? I'd be delighted to know your innermost thoughts of me, Wadsworth.”

“Your absurd but fine I'll elaborate,” I roll my eyes as he shifts so he is fully facing me, eyes completely focused, no sign of the anger he had only moments ago, “your too kind, too witty and clever and Whitehall wouldn’t appreciate you enough. You-” don’t belong with her.

Ever since he mentioned the idea of being with someone else, real or not, I have tried to ignore how much it pained me that he would be with someone else. I never expected to want to be with him, yet lately the premise of dating him has seemed very pleasing to me.

“You forgot to mention how handsome I look, or how charming I am, but I'll take it,” his voice is deeper than normal and his gaze travels over me even though his eyes are on my own. Thomas pats Sir Issac and his cat jumps off behind him with a whine. His hand reaches out for mine and I lean forward, wind making my loose strands of hair fly across my face. His hands are warm as I take them but his smile warms me more. It is small but genuine and filled with the normal Cresswell charm mixed with something I can't quite name.

“I don’t need to inflate your ego further Thomas.”

“I know but it would've been nice. I did say the inner most thoughts but we’ll get there. Audrey rose-” he looks down contemplating his words before he once again locks his gaze on mine, his dark brown eyes bright, “I dont belong with her, your right, my heart would never belong to her especially since it already belongs to someone else.”

I blink at the honesty. I want to scream that you belong with me; but if Thomas is in love with someone else then I suppose I will have to find a way to deal with it. I try to keep the hurt of my face even as he smiles at me.

“I-” Thomas lets go of my hand and stands. There's a silence between us until he motions for me to move. The idiot is going to climb into my house so he can tell me about his new found love. Like the fool I am, I'm going to let him talk about this girl who makes him look this happy. Even though it hurts that it's not me who is making him look like that. Even though I'm the one who makes him laugh when he is angry or upset. Even though I'm the one who knows his favourite songs, the books beside his bed and all his hopes and dreams.

He climbs over and sets himself on the window sill, giving me room to sit across from him. I do, even as I try to ignore the weight pressing down on my chest. “I hope you are happy with whomever has your heart Cresswell.” I say and mean it. I once again curl into myself, hoodie covering my legs as i watch him continue to smile at me,

“Of course I'll be happy. She's amazing. Let me tell you all about her. I met her many years back and was instantly smitten with her emerald eyes and her quick witted mind. How she sings to herself every morning and how her dark curls fall across her face whenever she sits on her bed and reads. I adore her curiosity for the dead and how wicked her mouth is and how delightful it is to watch your mind at work. I love when she shows me a note through the window to see if I'm doing okay and-”

“Wait,” I blurt out, my mind catching up, “Thomas, are you talking about me?”

“Yes, finally! I thought I'd have to keep speaking forever till you realized it was you.” He starts laughing at my gaping mouth until I collect myself enough to scowl at him slightly for laughing. Thomas reaches out for my hand, moving closer to me until my back is pressed against the wall, my hoodie no longer over my legs as he rests his other hand on my leg, warmth seeping through me. “Wadsworth, darling, I have been in love with you for some time now.”

Silence washes over us as we stare, trying to convince ourselves this is really happening. “I have something to show you.” My voice is barely about a whisper and I slide out of his grasp even though I don't want to. I walk to my bed where all my notebooks were left open and my notebooks sits. I open it out and let a piece of paper fall out. Facing Thomas I open the sheet slowly, watch him read the words. His eyes lit up at them.

I love you.

I take my place beside him again, his hands finding their way in mine once again. “I wrote that the night after you came here the second time. Something in me clicked that no matter what you'd find a way to comfort me. Not save me, but work alongside me. I wanted to tell you I just couldn't face it. But I needed to acknowledge it. So I wrote it down, and I look at it every time we use the note system; I try to convince myself to show you.” Thomas just stares at me, eyes flicking down to my lips every now and then. His hands are making circles on my leg, not entirely intentional. Thomas has always shown if he is excited or nervous by either tapping or making shapes on surfaces. The world slows completely as he leans in and presses his lips against mine. He pulls back ever so slightly, resting his head against mine and we are both smiling wildly at each other, pressing kisses until he leans further away. Thomas goes back to his side of the wall, which may as well be across the other side of the world, then he pulls me to him and I twist so that my back is against his. He holds me as we both look out the window, enjoying the freeing feeling of telling each other how we feel.

“Now would be a perfect time to tell me how handsome I am, my love.”

@fangirling-again @kittycat2187 @goatahoan @city-of-fae @the-hoofflepooff @padfoot-sirius-black-blog @purplecreatorhorsewagon @boredbookwormgirl @goddess-of-writing-wars @lovecakeandmore @yikesitsmaddie @loveyatopluto @throneofsc @bookscressworth

#sjtr #hpd #efh #btdp #ctd #stalking jack the ripper #hunting prince dracula #escaping from houdini #capturing the devil #thomas cresswell #cresswell #audrey rose #audrey rose wadsworth #wadsworth #cressworth #kerii maniscalco #you belong with me

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theji · 4 years ago

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Things Yizhan Made Me Do

It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛

To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).

1. Start a blog

And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.

2. Join a fandom

I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.

3. Indulge in RPS

I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.

4. Use Chinese apps

Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.

5. Read fan fic

I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!

6. Willingly read Chinese

Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.

7. Act like a cougar

In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.

8. Buy merch

Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.

9. Keeping a Yizhan archive

Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?

10. Camp for livestreams

I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.

11. Watch c entertainment

I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?

12. Write fan mail

I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha

13. Desire to visit China

China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!

Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.

Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋

#yizhan #bjyx #things yizhan made me do

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emma-what-son · 4 years ago

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(Echee post) Emma Watson criticises 'dangerously unhealthy' pressure on young women

Posted on March 30 2014

From theguardian.com March 2014 Emma Watson has criticised the "dangerously unhealthy" image projected by the fashion industry and said the pressure to look perfect has taken its toll on her. The actor has also described her doomed attempts to merge into the background as a student at an American university, where she found herself being trailed everywhere by British photographers. After the recent New York premiere of Noah, she tweeted a photograph of the array of cosmetics – and a guardian angel pin – that she said were essential aids to her flawless appearance, and another of herself in a backless dress captioned: "I did NOT wake up like this." The actress said she is better at taking criticism these days than she once was. "As a younger woman, that pressure got me down, but I've made my peace with it. With airbrushing and digital manipulation, fashion can project an unobtainable image that's dangerously unhealthy. I'm excited about the ageing process. I'm more interested in women who aren't perfect. They're more compelling." Watson became famous playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies and has been constantly in work since. She is about to start filming a thriller, Regression, by Alejandro Amenábar and is also trying to complete her degree at Brown University, Rhode Island. She enrolled in 2009 for what would have been a four year course, but has taken several breaks for film work, and spent a year studying at Oxford. "After Harry Potter, all that mattered was university," she said, in an interview with the Sunday Times. "It wasn't always easy to break down barriers, as having men from the British press following me with cameras didn't help my mission to integrate. The American press, by contrast, "afforded me so much privacy", but her fellow students recognised her at once. "On the first day, I walked into the canteen and everyone went completely silent and turned around to look at me. I had to say to myself 'it's OK, you can do this'. You just have to take a deep breath and gather your courage."

GUARDIAN COMMENTERS SAY: So something like this Burberry campaign she did a few years ago? Hypocrisy at its finest. She flaunts with the fashion industry and enjoys its perks all the time, but hops on the 'female beauty' bandwagon and enjoys a moan when it suits her. I'd find her socially conscientious pleas convincing if she hadn't profited in the hundreds of thousands (if not millions) from the big, bad, evil fashion/beauty industry. A few years ago, Emma Watson appeared in high-profile advertising companies for posh Paris fashion house L'ancome. I'm guessing she was handsomely remunerated for her 'work'. Certainly she was not forced into letting her photo shopped image be used to market expensive cosmetics and perfumes. Did she only discover how 'oppressive' the fashion industry is when L'ancome cancelled her lucrative contract? Ms Watson is essentially a third-rate actress, and her pronouncements on large and complex issues, such as the pressures on women, are so idiotically vapid that one is brought to conclude that she really can have very little aptitude for higher education. I mean, her comments are hardly indicative of an educated person, or even of a moderately literate or intelligent person. By the way, I understand that she spent a year at Oxford as a visiting and/or exchange student while enrolled at Brown. How come? She is a British national, and so by rights she should not have gone to Oxford on a visiting/exchange student programme, irrespective of whether she happens a student at an American university. If I am wrong about this, then I should like to have some explanation as to her status at Oxford, and how she came by it. Otherwise, I suppose that one might be forgiven for thinking that it is yet another case of a once respectable academic institutions bowing down before the false idols of celebrity and money. (This is quite apart from the fact that all that one has read about her since she began life as a student concerns her acting career, her modeling and her various boyfriends.) SOME COMMENTS FROM THE DM ARTICLE Notice how it's always people who are very aware of how attractive they are that babble on about how it's okay to have physical blemishes? I'd like to see an ugly person say the same thing. Only someone young, beautiful and with her whole life before her can say that, and mean it. Sometimes, her comments maKe her more stupid. Get lost and Wingardium Leviosa. What a daft thing to say. But, then again, this is coming from someone who can't seem to finish uni. I feel like I've aged about 10 years reading this article. Annoying girl. Not only annoying, but also pretentious and disingenuous. ^None of this is my words. It from commentators from two sites emma-what-son posted many more so check out her page

Here's what I think As for what she is saying about Brown it's a complete 180 from how she described it before 2013. In 2013 she started to elude to the fact it was not as great as she made it out to be. She gushed how wonderful her experiences had been to so many magazines. Now I think she's looking for pity and to have excuses why she never stayed at Brown. She preached how she was staying put. I am so fucking tired of having to post quote after quote proving my point with this when she lies time after time. She is not honest! What the truth is doesn't matter because she always lying. It's a constant thing with her. As for the pressures on women she is really a piece of work. The guardian commenters summed it up nicely. She had no problem attaching herself to Burberry and Lancôme. She's had no problem giving them praise and talking about fashion and make-up in just about every interview. That part where she talked about photo shopping and air brushing. Just wow! Did she see the Wonderland magazine she edited? Some photos it didn't even look like her. She'll continue allowing her image to be manipulated no matter what. She thinks she’s aging? She still looks 15 without all the make-up and photo shopping. Last year she was stopped at JFK because they thought she was a unaccompanied minor. Did you know one of the product she pushed when modeling for Lancôme was an anti-age cream? That's the dumbest comment in her entire interview. But really she's said this kind of stuff the last three years and most notably in 2011 where she had a various quotes about body image and being comfortable in your skin. I wont bore you with those quotes since I have before. She gets lauded for those comments and people place her in role model status but when you closely look at it they were just words that meant nothing at the time other than to make people think, “Emma is so anti-Hollywood!! She’s a role model for women and young girls” but meanwhile she never believed in any of it in the first place. At the time she said those things she was at a more healthier weight than she ever was. In 2011 you can tell she either stopped working out or ate more. I thought she looked her best then. Now she’s back to stick thin and even surpassed it a way IMO is unhealthy. She sending a bad message to women. From standard.co.uk July 2011, “She sees modeling as an extension of acting, in fact - just playing a role - but is conflicted about its demands. “I think the pressure the media and the fashion industry put on women to look a certain way is pretty intense. There’s a certain tyranny to trying to achieve that kind of beauty. I don’t know, I’m maybe not the best person to speak about this because I obviously completely adhere to it,” she laughs nervously. “ ^She really needs to start taking her own advice and quit being a judgmental hypocrite. Not just with this topic but everything she tends to speak out against that she does it herself. Recently she tweeted a photo of all this make-up and I posted this on my tumblr days ago

^Same phone in this photo is what they're using in the bottom photo that I also posted on tumblr She said something else recently (Sunday Times interview) that is just typical Emma. I covered this a few times. From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "For someone who has starred in eight blockbuster movies and is worth an estimated £30m, she is endearingly modest about how green she felt leaving Harry Potter behind in 2011. Emerging from that magical machine was “really intimidating”, she says. “I’d done two tiny plays when I was, like, six and eight, but I wasn’t driven to act. I wasn’t doing Oscar acceptance speeches into a hairbrush." Yeah it might have no been a hairbrush but who knows she could be lying about that. She'd practice her speeches in mirrors. From telegraph.co.uk July 2007, "Pauline is utterly obsessed with being an actress and I was just like that when I was younger. I dreamt of it. I practised speeches in front of mirrors. Whenever there was a part at school, I went for it. I was probably a bit of a show-off in the sense that any chance to get up and be seen, I did it. I was such a drama queen. I used to wail and moan and cry, and little things were blown up into being big things. I don't know how my parents stood it, really. I've grown up a bit. I've had to. I actually really want to be an actress, a proper actress who makes it her career. I'm always expecting to be found out and I thought, If I'm no good, now is the time to find out." She really wants people to think she all of a sudden wants to act. What I think is she is really trying to distance herself from her lack luster post Potter career by making it out like she now wants to act and that’s why she has no lead roles because her resume does not equal her hype. The last few years she’s separated herself from “always wanted to be an actress” to “I was not sure”. She’s being disingenuous as usual and people believe it. Plus she said she did modeling so directors and producers would look at her differently so that's why she used Burberry and Lancôme. And she did a course at RADA in 2008 so if she was not sure or didn't want to than why did she do these things? One more thing from the Sunday Times interview From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "It’s about as close as she’ll get to revealing anything about her newest relationship, with Matt Janney, rugby hunk and Oxford’s most eligible bachelor. “I can’t comment on it, I’m sorry,” she says, suddenly jumping up and hastily bundling her things back into her bag, which has exploded across the sofa beside her. “I’m trying to keep my private life sacred, although I don’t want to lock myself up and never go out. So I guard it, because I don’t date people who are famous, and I don’t think it’s fair that, all of a sudden, intimate details of their personal life are public as a direct result of me. I find that so uncomfortable, and I wish there was a way I could protect those people, but it’s not in my control.” When I suggest her boyfriends are consenting adults, she looks worried. “But you don’t choose who to love, who you have feelings for, do you?” She throws her phone into her bag and retreats home to pack, as she’s flying to LA. Just a normal girl, then, off to present an Oscar."

So she can go to international magazines and complain she can't find a man or that men are intimidated by her? She had in the past before Will Adamowicz. It was in almost every one of her interviews for a few years. So she can use Matt Janney (this new guy) on a beach in a bikini PDA session as a publicity stunt to cover up her ex boyfriend being caught rolling coke bombs and also use him to product place an iPhone in Madrid but she wants to keep it private? And she doesn't date famous guys? What about Johnny Simmons (Young Neil) and George Craig (Front man for rock group One Night Only)? If you can Google their name and you see them in movies or music videos, they're famous.

#echee #echee post

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butterbeeryuta · 6 years ago

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chenle as your best friend

ok so like the 2 of you met when ya'll were about 6-7 at some summer art programme

at that age, you just liked to see colour on paper regardless if it looked shit or not.

NOW, chenle sits beside you right and he notices be doesn't have a blue crayon with him, but omg! you have it (a/n: cries in cliché)

so this kid who's prob wearing the finest clothes from head to toe just grabs your blue crayon from the tray— and boy are you annoyed and angry

'hey you could've at least asked!'

'well can I use the blue crayon?'

'oh... i guess yeah'

lmao you were such an awkward bean (still are)

anyway after the whole crayon thing, you were waiting for your mum/dad/guardian to pick you up, and so was chenle. chenle then sat beside you again and ya'll just started talking and playing together

ya'll were in different schools. but that didn't stop the 2 of you to meet each other on almost e v e r y weekened, like

'hey i got the uno machine, wanna play on saturday?'

'chenle i have test on monday'

'it's an uno machine'

'okay yeah sure.'

so when ya'll were like 11-13 (puberty ew), ppl started questioninh your friendship and was asking if it's mORe than that— but lol it's not

you just enjoyed having each other around since ya'lls characters balances out so well; chenle is far far more loud, cheerful, and optimistic. whereas you're more on the 'serious' side and usually stays quiet— but you have a galaxy brain soOooO

so whenever ppl do ask, the two of you say 'no,' but then again,,,, who tf will take 'no' for an answer

SO 15-16, zhong chenle moved to korea to be a part of nct dream, and it was painful for the two of you

you went to drop him off at the airport, and he promised to you that he'll try to message and call you as much as possible while you hug him tightly cause you really don't want him to go even though you know he deserves it and it's just pure emo hours at this point

so during his training years he tells you all the good tea like 'omg there's like 6 chinese members here whoAaaa' 'yo yo yo there's this guy named taeyong andD HE IS SO COOL WHOAAAAAA' and it's so cute and ur really happy he's having fun, but you do miss him a lot

eventually chenle also misses you a lot, and he starts to tell renjun, winwin, and basically everyone about how he misses his best friend y/n ~soft~ hours are open

CHENLE DEBUTS YEy. you're having like severe palpitations rn cause that's ur fucking best friend living his dream like yEAH!!!! you tell your parents, your friend group, your chemistry tutor, your dog, the cashier— EVERYONE god you're annoying skjskjdkssk

you message chenle a LOT!

'DUDE WTF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT'

'goddamn ya'll look so cute and the song does nOT help'

'also is that the jeno guy? he really cute 🤭'

but ofc, he's busy. and yeah, he hasn't been responding as much as before. although you understood his busy schedule, you can't help but feel disappointed and sad.

BUT, whenever he does get time, i promise you he apologises and calls you whenever he can. chenle is a sweetheart, he'd never betray you like that.

OK SO FAST FORWARD TO 2019 BOOM ERA

so like any other typical fic, you managed to book yourself to korea and surprise your best friend for his birthdayyyyy

over the years you got to know renjun a lot through messages and calls since he always joins chenle when ya'll call each other so yeah— renjun is THAT guy

kneeways, you and renjun talked abt the plans, the cakes, and even helped you with korean so that you'd be able to talk to the rest of the members (and maybe jeno if ur confident enough but let's be honest, they've ALL become gorgeous humans you must be insanse to think you'd be able to talk to them casually)

you've arrived in gimpo airport, renjunnie arranged someone to pick you up— and it's time to surprise your best friend lele

so yeah while jisung and chenle were filming, you got to help out with the decorations and stuff with the rest of the dreamies.

the boys were all so nice to you despite the language barrier,

'AHHH so ur the friend chenle keeps talking about, do you know any shit that he does so we can use it to blackmail him or some—'

'haechan it's his birthday, calm the fuck down for one second.' renjun being the true dom he is

OkaYY SO THEY COMING and you were panicking cause you havent seen him in years and you werent sure what to do and just before they came in ofc you tripped

chenle started laughing and screaming. he was so overwhelmed with the surprise, until he saw you flat on the floor probably moaning in pain

'Y/nnnNnnnNNN??!' THE KID IS SHOOK

'Uh yeah, listen i wanna give you a hug and all but help your friend out'

he immediately went over to you and helped u up and ya'LL just hugged and like he lifted you up a little and he's just so happy rn and he doesnt know what to do except to hold you

'AWWWWWWWWWW' -00 line

you genuinely start crying cause you missed his chaotic and happy ass so much. you looked up at him and you can tell he's changed so much. you saw from pics that he has changed, but you didnt fully acknowledge how much he grew up.

he starts laughing at your emotional and crying state and hugs you even more— it's all cute stuff at this point

'okay uhh i know ya'll miss each other and stuff, but chenle your cake is gonne melt' - park jisung, 2019

ya'll celebrated, ya'll spilled stories about each other, and everyone just had a good time

'jeno hyung y/n has a crush on you'

that little fucker

chenle couldnt have been happier, and neither could you

a/n: okay please hate me all you want i've been silent for so fucking long. university applications have started and i have to meet deadlines and shit so yeah, i've been prioritising my school work these days. laces and things WILL continue from December onwards cause i'll be on break then, so please stay patient. also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LELE. he's been my bias in dream for god knows how long, and he's such a loving and cute guy, how can you not love him. i hope you had the best birthday with the ppl who genuinely deserve you.

#nct #crack #nct dream #imagines #imagine #chenle #zhong chenle #lee haechan #haechan #lee donghyuck #donghyuck #huang renjun #renjun #lee jeno #jeno #park jisung #jisung #na jaemin #jaemin

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julesthequirky · 7 years ago

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Kisses Have Consequences: The Friendship Proposal

Summary: You’re Misha’s best friend. Working with him on SPN had never been a problem, until one scene, forcing you both to admit certain truths about each other and find that kisses have consequences.

Warnings: Smut, unprotected sex, adultery, explicit language, accidental pregnancy, extreme emotions, angst, drrraaaaaaaaamaaaaa.

Feedback is GOLD. If you like it, reblog it. Work is unbeta’d so all mistakes are mine. Don’t be afraid to leave a comment.

A/N: This chapter is portrayed by Misha’s point of view and then the readers. Also it’s a slightly longer chapter.

He parked outside of their apartment complex in Vancouver. When Y/N got the news that her character would become a featured regular like his character he advised her to rent out an apartment in Vancouver and as luck would have it, an apartment in his complex opened up and she snatched it the first chance she got.

They had plenty of happy times here, with only a few floors between them, no one stopped the late night movies and talks and sometimes parties either he or she pulled. All neighbours welcome. Booze was plied of course. When it came to hiatus, it became the time for long meaningful hugs and plans to take part in each others charity campaigns.

These days she never came to his and he had to stop himself from going to her. The parties stopped, the late night hang outs ended and he sat in an apartment void of her presence. He missed her. She had been his best friend and vice versa and this was getting ridiculous. He hoped he could reconnect without tipping her off about her pregnancy. He wanted to enjoy having her around again.

Right now, he sat as she was unbuckling her seatbelt. Her hand touched the car door and he reached out, placing his hand over her free hand.

“Please, this is ridiculous,” He sighed. “I want to talk about this divide between us.”

She relented and stayed, leaning back in her seat.

“I understand why you did it, but enough now. I miss you. I want to go back to how things were. Pre-kiss.”

“We’ll never have that back, Misha. You said it yourself.”

“But we can at least be friends. We can at least be friendlier to each other. I know we won't have what we once did, but maybe we could start anew? I just really miss you.”

Beside him, she stayed in her seat, contemplating his words, finally she turned to look at him.

“What if it gets too awkward? What if one of us tries to kiss the other? Again?” She asked, concerned.

It was meant for him he knew. Out of both of them, it would most likely be him to initiate another kiss and dammit, if he could he would. He knew she wouldn’t and also knew if he tried she wouldn’t let him.

“Y/N, if I’ve learnt anything in my life, I’ve definitely learnt to not repeat something that shouldn’t have happened. I’m proposing we become friends. Just friends. That’s all.”

She turned to look forward. She was thinking on it.

“I just feel guilty…”

“Stop. What’s done is done. We can't change that, but we can move on from it.”

She nodded. One of her favourite things about him (she told him), was that he always had sound advice and today he knew she couldn’t argue with that.

“You’re right.”

He didn’t want to toot his own horn, but he knew.

“Okay, but I have a condition. I don’t think we should go round each others apartments in the evenings.”

That was one of the things he had been looking forward to start back up. He swallowed his disappointment and nodded.

“Of course. Well, we can still practice any pages we get together, since our characters have become closer.”

“Sure.”

She smiled, then tilted her head in confusion.

“I do have to ask, why are we here? Why not at the set?”

“You got the day off. All your scenes have been moved to tomorrow. Ordained by higher up.”

Y/N sighed.

“There’s a lot of work to do. And it needs to be done, I don’t have time to rest, I-”

He grabbed her hand again.

“Y/N, it will be fine. Just rest. Robert allowed me today to check in on you regularly.”

She gave him that look.

“You should go back. They need you more than me, besides I’m quite capable of spending a day alone.”

Misha didn’t miss a beat.

“You spend all your days alone.”

She didn’t say anything to that.

“Come on, It’ll make a nice change and a nice introduction for our friendship renewal.”

“You won't let me say no, will you?”

“Nope.” He popped the P and began to get out of the car.

He knew by becoming her friend again he could keep a closer check on her and hopefully influence a healthier lifestyle for the baby she didn’t know she was having. He knew he was doing it for his own selfish reasons, but he couldn’t stop now.

Friends. You and Misha were now friends. Again. Seeing him in your apartment made it feel like nothing had happened between you both, worse still, he looked like he belonged. Having him around, instilled you with a sense of peace, but now, you had an air of caution. It scared you how right it was for him to be in the same space as you. He wasn’t meant for you. He already had someone else. He was meant for her.

He carried your drinks in and placed them both on eclectic coasters. Misha hadn’t gone for coffee, but instead had preferred tea. The same as you. he passed over the remote.

“So, what do you fancy watching? The Walking Dead? Bit of Vampire Diaries?” He smiled when you scrunched your nose in disgust. “No. Okay, hmm Supernatural?” He suggested, resting his chin on top of the remote.

You shook your head, giving him an odd look.

“God, no, you know I don’t like watching myself on TV.”

Whatever he would put on it didn’t matter, you were going to be too distracted to watch.

“Oh, I know.” He switched the TV on and using the remote navigated his way to Netflix, where he proceeded to search for a particular programme.

“iZombie?”

You had seen the icon on your Netflix, but hadn’t thought much of it. Zombies weren’t your cup of tea.

“I know you’re not into zombies, or scary movies, but I promise this isn’t scary and it’s good.”

You would have to trust his judgement on that.

And he was right. It was good and it wasn’t scary. The only scary thing was how he knew what you’d like. He always knew. You were hooked, yet distracted. You couldn’t help but notice the comfortable slouch of his body on your couch, didn’t want to like how his leg felt touching yours and you couldn’t stop yourself peeking when his lips curved over the mug when he took a sip of tea. It was torture. No matter how much you wanted to kiss him, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t.

Misha had been right. No matter what you felt about him, it wouldn’t change. It didn’t when you kept your distance. Instead it had been torture. You had missed him, so much more over those few weeks, obsessed about him, but never asking about him. He had been your best friend for about five years. His constant presence had been a comfort and without it you felt empty and alone.

It was dumb how much you loved him.

You hadn’t thought about it before. Of course it made sense now. You loved him. The kiss, the night after and the distance away put it into perspective for you. It was wrong. You couldn’t love a married man, yet you did.

You didn’t know whether or not to tell him. It would alter this new attempt at friendship he had kindly offered. It wouldn’t go away. The statement pecked away at your conciousness, miring any other thoughts from coming.

You got up, making an excuse to make a drink and forgetting to offer him one.

“I can make it.”

You shook your head.

“I can make a drink, Misha.”

“I know but you're meant to be resting.”

He wasn’t going to let up.

“It’s one drink.”

You were anxious to get some more space between the two of you. You walked into your kitchenette and flicked on the kettle.

“Y/N, is everything okay? I mean, you almost leapt out of your seat, you decline my offer when you know you should be resting and you seem to want to make more space between us.”

“You're thinking too much into it.”

“You're holding your mug pretty damn tight and it’s still hot, as I can see the steam from it.” You looked into your hot mug. Then put it aside. “What the hell’s wrong. Do you not want be friends any more?”

Oh God.

“I can't tell you. It’s dumb.”

The kettle was loud at this point, frustrating him, making him flip the switch back up, ceasing the kettle to boil.

“I don’t care if it sounds dumb. You’ve told me plenty of ‘dumb’ things before.”

You had your back to him.

“It would change this new dynamic.”

He made a sound, somewhere between a scoff and a sigh.

“Please, just tell me.”

It was on the tip of your tongue. Your hands held onto the counter, biting your lip, forcing yourself to stop yourself from telling.

“Is it bad?”

“You shook your head, then nodded.

“For me, I guess.”

“Whatever it is I bet we can figure out what to do. I just- I want you to be comfortable with telling me stuff again. I missed that.”

It was coming. And crap, it was getting harder to keep it in. He shouldn’t know, but dammit.

“I love you.”

You didn’t look at him, a weight of relief off you. He was quiet for a moment.

“Oh…”

He didn’t have to love you back. Better if he didn’t. Now you turned to him. He stood there, looking at you.

“Forget I said anything. Forget I even said those words. I’ll take them back.”

He moved then, and grasped your upper arms in his hands. You looked up into his ultramarine blue eyes.

“God, no. Don’t take them back and I certainly don’t want to forget.”

You could hear his heart in his chest beating hard against his ribcage. He rested his forehead against yours.

“This changes things, Mish.”

A hand left your arm and he put a finger to your lips making you suck in a breath.

“It will only change if you want it to,” He paused for a moment. “I will never forget those words, Y/N. You’re being honest with yourself and with me.”

His finger moved away, for his hand to cup your jaw, his lush full lips, brushing yours.

“We can't” You barely whispered.

“I’m telling you how I feel.” He responded and pressed his lips to yours.

Misha Fic Tags:

@goobykeding, @greenappleeyes, @sugarcookiedean

EVERYTHING!!

@one-to-beam-up @missjenniferb @dean-winchesters-bacon @mypassionsarenysins @ezilyamuzed @curly-haired-disaster

@supernatural-teamfreewillpage

#JulesTheQuirky's fics #Misha Collins #misha fanfiction #Misha Collins POV #misha x reader #spn fanfic #spn rpf #Kisses Have Consequences #The Friendship Proposal

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nooneelsecomesclose17 · 8 years ago

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Can I ask for a little drabble? I really like your writing! I'd like to read about Aaron having to ring Rob while they're boken up because he can't seem to get some home appliance to work (the oven or the AC, something like that) because of course Robert would chose some stupid over the top machine that it's super complicated to use??? If you feel like it ;))

I loved this idea and as you can see it kind of got away from me so it’s a lot more than a little drabble! Thank you so much for sending it and I’m flattered you like my writing and thought of me!

BTW all these ‘issues’ except for the car have happened in my house...probably not that complicated though!

Hope you like it :)

Did you read the instruction manual?

AO3 Link

“Robert, it's me. Do you have a minute to come over? I need your help with something, not urgent, but…” Robert frowned as the message cut off with a bang in the background. He couldn't make out the sound and Aaron hadn't sounded hurt or in trouble, but even so his footsteps grew quicker as he made his way through the village to Mill.

He hadn't seen Aaron for a few days, ever since he'd left the flat and moved into the B&B. He'd wanted to but Aaron had made it clear he should stay away, so he’d done as he’d been asked, however difficult it had been.

The door is flung open before he even gets down the drive and Aaron’s jeans are soaking wet at the bottom and his hair is a mess. He drags his gaze away, there's something about Aaron’s hair when it's like that. Maybe that's part of why he used to enjoy running his hands through it. Aaron would grumble but he'd let him, a smile on his face the whole time.

“Are you alright?”

“Its that stupid washing machine of yours! I said we didn't need one that looked like something from NASA! There's water everywhere!” He didn’t recall even having that conversation. Aaron had simply told him to pick. He’d had much more input into which furniture to buy. However it didn’t seem like the time to point that out given his mood.

“So I can see. Did you try reading the instructions?” He asks, making his way through the hallway into the flat, trying not to laugh at Aaron doing a good impression of Grumpy Cat.

“No, I just stood and looked at it! Of course I did!”

Water everywhere is a slight exaggeration, there's a small pool of soapy water around the machine heading for the kitchen table but quite how Aaron ended up so covered in water is anyone’s guess. Robert crouches in front of the machine trying to see what might be wrong.

“You’ve just got too much powder in there I think.” He presses a button and hears the machine start to drain. “Why didn't you use the tab thingy like we always…” He doesn't finish the question, doesn't want to use the past tense.

“Couldn't find ‘em.” Aaron mumbles, looking more than a bit sheepish.

“They're in the top cupboard.” He points across the kitchen. “You're s’posed to keep them out of reach. Don't you watch the adverts?”

“Er, no, unlike you I don't have an encyclopaedic knowledge of tv adverts.” There's a small smile on his face, tone teasing because he always teased him about watching the adverts just as avidly as the programmes themselves, and Robert needs to leave, because it still hurts that he doesn't get to stay, that it's not his home any more.

“Well now you know. Just put one of those in the machine, alright?” With that he leaves not giving Aaron the chance to reply.

*****

“Robert?”

“Yeah?” He's just out picking up a few bits for Diane, as a thank you for letting him stay at Brook Cottage. It meant living with Doug but it was preferable and less awkward than staying at Vic’s with Rebecca.

“Could you come over and take a look at the oven? I can't get it to switch on. Been tryin’ all week.”

“Did you read the...never mind...come on.”

“Cheers.”

“Can't let you starve can I?” It's not as uncomfortable as the last time, just over a week ago. He doesn't want to think about getting used to it being like this. “How...what have you been eating if the oven won't work?”

“Ate at the pub, used the microwave. Just fancied cooking something proper for a change.”

“Let's have a look then.” He follows Aaron to the kitchen and casts an eye over the oven. “Have you had a power cut?”

“Yeah just for a few minutes last week.” He slumped on one of the kitchen chairs and it feels so normal, like it's just as it should be, the two of them in the flat but it’s not and he needs to stop thinking that way.

“The clock needs resetting if the power goes off, oven won't work if the clock isn't set.” He makes quick work of pressing the right buttons before switching the oven on, the light going on straight away. “There, all done.”

“Ta. Sorry.” He shrugged, “ I should know all this.”

“It's fine. Anything else?”

“No. Like I say thanks.” Robert nods and he's on his way.

*****

It's another couple of months before Robert begins to think there's something going on. He's had other things to think about, finding somewhere more permanent to live after all, was fairly urgent. There were only so many conversations he could have about vegetables before he got the urge to injure Doug in some way and besides, he’s 31 and he’s never had somewhere he could call his. In any other circumstances he’d be enjoying it a lot more.

It's when Aaron calls him asking for help with the television that he begins to wonder. Of all the fancy technical gadgets in their, sorry Aaron’s, home, the TV was one thing Aaron had picked out on his own. In fact it had been the first thing picked out when he signed the paperwork for Mill. He knew how it worked, had spent days telling Robert all about the features it had. There's no way he thought that Robert could fix it if he couldn't do it himself.

“Aaron, what's this about?” He hadn't even had to do anything to the tv. It had miraculously fixed itself before he arrived. “Was it even broken?”

“I...Vic said you'd moved out of Diane’s?”

“Yeah, I'm renting a cottage up at Demdyke. You could have asked me, you didn't need to flood the kitchen, reset the oven and…”

“No! No, those were genuine, I swear. There was nothing wrong today, I just...wanted to make sure you were alright.” He tucked his chin into his chest and started biting on the tie of his hoodie.

“I'm fine, or I will be. You don't need to worry about me.”

“Yeah, well...not that easy is it.” Robert can't help but smile. At least it isn't just him.

“Well next time just ask me. As if I'd believe that you couldn't work the tv! It's your pride and joy!”

*****

It doesn't happen again and if he's honest Robert misses it. It might be that he misses being needed but mostly he misses Aaron. It hasn't got any easier, and the stilted awkward conversations in the pub or the cafe, or at the scrapyard don't help. They'd got back to some kind of friendship he thinks, before the truth had come out.

The baby, born a little early, or so he thought, after a frantic dash to the hospital, wasn't his. Rebecca had told him that she had honestly thought the boy was his, but in the end she'd been wrong, he wasn't premature. That meant he had to be Ross’s. he'd tuned out then, the feeling of emptiness consuming him. He knew it didn’t take away the fact he’d cheated but he’d lost Aaron because of the baby in the end, he’s sure they could have worked through it otherwise, and now it wasn’t even his.

Since it had become public knowledge, after she'd left, he'd stayed out of the village, online grocery deliveries becoming his lifeline, the thought of the gossips in the shop too much to deal with. He hadn't seen or heard from Aaron, hadn't tried to contact him.

He's trying to move on and he truly is pleased that Aaron seems so happy even if it kills him that he isn't the one who could make him happy. He's taken to working from home rather than in the portacabin, because he's convinced it's obvious that he's not over Aaron, that he's not happy, and he’d rather not have pitying looks directed his way.

He's working or he’s trying to when his phone rings again and he sighs when he sees it's Aaron.

“What did you break this time?”

“Uh...it's the car. It's knackered...don't suppose you could come give me a hand with it?”

“You used to be a mechanic.” He's already on his feet, finding his keys. Something is tickling the back of his brain.

“So did you. If you're busy…”

“I'm not. Anyway, hardly likely to leave you stranded am I? I'm now getting in the car. Where are you?” He knows, somehow he just knows.

“Layby, Hotten Road.” He'd swear he can hear a teasing note in his voice. Maybe he's imagining it.

“I'll be ten minutes.”

His mind is racing the whole way. Is he getting his hopes up for nothing, has Aaron even remembered? He’ll find out he supposes. It hardly feels like three years. When Aaron’s car is in sight he smiles, the hope growing in his chest by the second. He pulls in, parking in front of him. He can remember every word from that day. Is this what Aaron planned? It's worth a try.

“What’s the problem?” Aaron shrugged as he leant on the car bonnet, face giving nothing away.

“Engine just gave out.” He got up, gaze running up and down Robert’s body as he did, and leaned in to pop the bonnet open.

“Aren’t you gonna try it first?”

“Feel free. I know when a car’s knackered.” He has to try it, surely Aaron wouldn’t do this, be this cruel. This layby, this date, he can’t be wrong. Except the engine doesn’t turn over. “See?”

“I thought...no never mind.”

“Robert? What’s wrong? Listen I should have called you or something. I’m sorry, about the baby.” He closes the bonnet, sits back down on it, hands in his pockets. Robert just stands there, doesn’t know what to say. Nothing seems the right thing. He’d started to come round to the idea of the baby, in the end, but it hadn’t mattered, it had been taken from him just like everyone else.

“Are you?”

“Look whatever’s happened, of course I’m sorry. You thought he was yours and I know you, I always knew you would want him.” He sniffs, shifting uncomfortably.

“Yeah. Well it’s done now.” He hopes Aaron still knows him well enough to know he wants to change the subject.

“So, anyway, what did you think I’d called you out here for?”

“Doesn’t matter. We should get to trying to fix it. I’m sure you have somewhere to be.” He takes off his jacket. It’s cold but he’d rather not get oil over it.

“What like a meeting or something?” He turns round. Aaron’s still sitting on the bonnet but now he’s smiling. “Did you really think I’d forget?”

“Aaron I’m not in the mood for games.”

“I’m not playing games. I did remember the date, I was on my way to see you to see if we could talk and the car conked out. The universe has a weird sense of humour apparently. I thought about walking to your place but this seemed more…” As he’s been talking he’s walked over to Robert until he’s standing right in front of him, looking up at him, those blue eyes staring intensely. He knows that look, has seen it countless times.

“Poetic?”

“Us.” Robert let out a laugh.

“So, you wanna try and fix the car?” He puts one hand on Aaron’s waist, taking a risk. It worked the first time. It works this time. Aaron clutches his jaw, holding it gently, thumbs gently stroking as he leans in and kisses him. It’s not fierce and hungry like that first time, but soft and wonderful and Aaron.

“Cain’s gonna come and fetch it later. I text him before you got here.”

“You were pretty sure I’d go along with your little plan then?”

“I think I know you pretty well. Come on.” He laughs holding out a hand.

“Where to?”

“Where did we go last time?”

“Well I went home and you...the pub? Yeah I don’t think your Mum’s gonna welcome me with open arms.” He’d been in once or twice since she came back but the welcome was frosty to say the least and after the first few encounters he’d decided it just wasn’t worth it and stayed away. “Garage then?”

“Get lost. It’s freezing! Take us home, idiot.”

#prompt fill #reunion fic apparently #robron fanfic #Anonymous

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