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make-me-imagine · 4 years ago

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Red Roses: “I Love You” - Bruce Banner Ending

Valentines Special: Day Nine

Day One: Morning Glories // Day Two: Blue Salvias Day Three: Sunflowers // Day Four: Pink Camellias Day Five: Yellow Tulips // Day Six: Violets Day Seven: Lisianthus // Day Eight: Daffodils (Post with rest of the character endings)

Plot: It’s finally Valentines Day, the day the reader will finally learn who it is that had been leaving them flowers and notes expressing their secret feelings.

Pairing: Gen!Neutral Reader x Bruce Banner

Note: Thank you @trashywritestrash for helping me out with this ending when I ran out of ideas! <3 Also, since this technically takes place after End Game and such, in this, Bruce is still Bruce, and is not combined with the Hulk.

Triggers: None Words: 1,573

Requested Taglist: @aquariuslavenderhoney, @thebookbakery, @fablesrose, @kitkatd7, @thefallenbibliophilequote, @beksib, @destynelseclipsa, @criminaly-supernatural, @tammythompson-singslikea-muppet, @belloangelus, @snarky--starky, @saintbootlegloras, @wecallhimbrowneyess, @empath-bunny, @okkulta, @katinthemoon, @ravennight41, @youcancallme-rae , @radhumandragonclam, @unfortunateidiotinadilemma, @past3l-w1ngs , @goinggoinggonzo, @mxxnmocha, @hulkswitch, @groovyfluxie

February 14th

As you walked through the tower, you watched as various decorators and caterers bustled around working to finish for the party this evening. Your anxiety grew as you thought more about what was to come.

You knew that today was the day you would learn who it was leaving you the beautiful messages and flowers. But you still didn’t know when exactly they would do it. You only assumed it would be during the party but it really could be at any moment.

Because of this exact reason, any time one of the others spoke to you, or even approached you, your heart about burst out of your chest, waiting for the moment they might say “Its me.” But it didn’t happen. Not when you saw Natasha and Clint. Not when you passed Bucky in the hall. Not when Thor showed up, copious amount of coffee and pastries in hand.

And each time you found that you were relieved in a way. You only felt real disappointment, when you went and saw Bruce in his lab.

You greeted him with coffee and a danish courtesy of Thor, offered to help him with any work, and even sat and talked to him for about an hour as you helped him run some tests. And the entire time, you were hoping that he might hint, or just admit that it was him behind the flowers and the notes. But after two hours of nothing but idle conversation, you gave up. Maybe it wasn’t him. No matter how much you wanted it to be.

Finally leaving him and going about your day, you found yourself avoiding the others. And now you sat in your room, thinking of who it could be and what you would do. You convinced yourself that, no matter who it was, you already knew them and loved them in some way. So maybe, you could fall for them the same way they fell for you.

- - -

You had managed to avoid the others the rest of the day, staying in your room most of the time. You distracted yourself as much as you could by doing some work on your computer. When you glanced at the clock and saw that it was an hour until the party, you felt confident, that no matter who it would turn out to be, you would give them and yourself a chance.

You gradually got ready over the next hour, psyching yourself up the entire time. And as you made your way down to the party, you felt your confidence slowly diminish as it was replaced with the now familiar anxiety.

Walking into the main room, you looked over the crowd that had arrived early or just on time, seeing various Avengers littered throughout the room. Seeing Sam and Rhodey talking in the corner you approached them. Two people you knew weren’t involved in the flowers. At least you could have a conversation with them without panicking the whole time.

As the night went on, you seemed to develop a sense of excitement as you began to accept the inevitable and thought more about the positives. Now, whenever someone spoke to you, you were waiting impatiently for the moment when it would happen.

But then an hour passed, and then another, and nothing happened. And you feared that maybe they changed their mind all together. Or maybe the whole thing was a joke? You leaned against the wall at the back of the crown, wondering if it was all for nothing.

Your eye caught on someone walking around the crowd Bruce. You watched him closely, seeing that he seemed overwhelmed. You straightened up a bit as you watched him fiddling with his hands. Did something happened? Was this all to stressful? Was hulk getting restless?

Seeing him exit the room, you followed. You needed to make sure he was okay, that he wasn’t losing control. Following into the hallway, you saw that he was gone. You walked down the hallway checking the doors, and finding them all locked. Finally, when you walked a little further, you saw that he had went out onto and empty balcony.

You cautiously opened the door, gaining his attention. “Bruce? Are you alright?”

When he saw that you had followed him, that you were checking on him, Bruce felt a sense of relief and comfort wash over him followed closely by anxiety. Out of all the others, you knew best how to calm him down. But at this moment, you were the exact reason he was feeling overwhelmed. But he knew you didn’t know that.

“Hey Y/n.” he greeted as you slowly approached him “I’m alright, uh, it’s just, there’s a lot of people in there, asking questions, I don’t even know any of them.” he chuckled, though those were not helping with his emotions, it was mostly a lie.

You smiled at him as you stopped beside him “I get it. And I’m sure Tony would understand if you wanted to leave.”

Bruce nodded but remained silent, he couldn’t leave. He needed to tell you. he could have earlier, when you were alone in his lab. God why didn’t he? He couldn’t stop overthinking it, he did earlier and he was now. He brought his hand to his chest, feeling the rose he had placed in his jacket pocket.

“Do you want me to get you anything?”

He smiled at you, you were always so caring towards him. “No, no I think I just need a minute, you can stay, how are you? Are you alright?”

You leaned against the railing “I’m...fine.” you smiled at him.

“That didn’t seem very confident.”

You opened your mouth to talk but closed it, unsure of what to say “I just...tonight, whoever it was leaving me the notes and the flowers said they would tell me who they were today. But...the night’s almost gone, and...nothing’s happened. I just, I think they may have changed their mind.”

As Bruce was listening he felt a pang of guilt. All this time he was thinking about his own anxiety tonight, he forgot to think how you must feel. And now you were thinking that he wasn’t going to tell you at all. “No.”

You looked over at him “No?”

He took a breath before he reached into his pocket “I didn’t change my mind.” you watched as he pulled out a red rose and turned fully towards you “I was just lost in my thoughts, and couldn’t find the courage to tell you, that, it’s me.” You stood and turned towards him as he started to talk again “I just, I felt more confident with the note and the flowers, and I thought it would be easier to to, uh, tell you how I felt, but I just, I got scared the more I thought about talking to you about it face to face, thinking that maybe you, wouldn’t want it to be me, and I-”

Bruce was caught off guard as you threw your arms around him in a hug “It’s alright Bruce.” he began to prepare himself for your rejection “I did want it to be you, more than anyone.”

He felt his breath hitch in his throat for a moment “Y-you did?”.

You pulled away from him and smiled at him, letting out a small chuckle “Yes, I did.”

He felt a grin spread across his face as he stared at you, his hear hammering in his chest. “Oh, here” he handed you the rose, which you took with a smile that made his heart almost stop.

“I loved all of the flowers, and the notes. I uh, I began pressing them, so I could save them.” you admitted, suddenly feeling much more bashful.

Bruce let out a small chuckle “You’ve always been a sentimental person.”

You shrugged and smiled “I can’t help it.”

“I’m glad. It’s one of the many things I..love about you.”

You stared at each other for a moment before you cleared your throat “Uh, out of curiosity. Was it Vision that delivered the flowers that day I received the Camellias? I went in and asked him and he denied it.”

“Uh, yeah, I asked him to since you were staying in your room for so long. He felt bad about lying but understood why I asked him too.”

You nodded before smiling at him, moving just a bit closer to him “You know, your a much better liar than I gave you credit. Or at least, much better at hiding things.”

He chuckled “Well, it was really hard. I uh, really hate lying to you.”

“Well it was definitely the best and most creative...confession, I’ve ever received.”

He rubbed the back of his neck as he chuckled again “Yeah, I uh, I always wanted to be a romantic.”

“It was definitely that.”

He met your eyes for a few moments before taking a deep breath “Can I kiss you? I really want to kiss you.” he blurted out.

You laughed at this before you nodded your head “Yes Bruce, you can kiss me.”

Almost immediately he took a step closer to you, wrapping one arm around your waist, and bringing one hand to the back of your head as he met you in a slow kiss. Both of your hearts were beating heavily in your chest, your mutual anxiety about tonight being replaced by simple and pure happiness.

xx xx xx xx xx

Hope you liked this ending! I always like writing for Bruce, he is so cute lol. I know he doesn’t straight up say “I love you” but I like the way this came out it seemed a bit more “him”

If you liked it please consider reblogging, and checking out the other endings!~ :)

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yeojaa · 5 years ago

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ANGELS & AIRWAVES (w. jjk)

He's never met you but you know how he sounds when he wakes up from a nap and his greatest fears. You know the way he sings after a shower and that he could be mistaken for a dying seal when he's laughing too hard. The best part? You don't judge him for any of it - including the fact he's a filthy Widow main. He might just love you.

alt summary. Jeon Jungkook has a big fat crush on a girl he's never met.

pairing. jeon jungkook

genre + rating. fluffy crack, smut. explicit.

warning / tags. long-distance relationship, crushes, canon compliant (ish), eventual happy ending, gaming, gamer!jungkook, strangers to lovers, friends to lovers, overwatch, oral (f receiving), fingering, enough sweetness you’ll get cavities.

reading. n/a. a three part one-shot.

word count. ~8400

part iii.

JUNGKOOK’S HOTEL ROOM Sunday, 3 May, 2020. 12:20 AM (LA), 4:20 PM (Seoul).

There’s nothing quite like the feeling after a show. How it crowds cavities behind his molars and sets his heart off on a marathon, exhilaration colouring his cheeks and stealing his voice. It’s something he’ll never get tired of - all the best parts of this journey presented on a silver platter.

Still, he thinks talking to you might be a close second.

“I can’t understand a single thing you’re saying,” you chide, playfully, with a mouthful of granola. It crunch crunch crunches in his ears, blocking the sound of his own laughter, ringing and half out of breath.

“I said I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy. Things have just been—” Crazy? Out of this world? Some kind of wonderful? “—hectic.” He all but throws himself across his bed, the luxurious hotel sheets soft against his still overheated cheek. It feels nice but steals the strength of his voice, muffling his words as he continues, like a runaway train with no destination in mind.

You laugh at him as you always do, mirth sprinkled over teasing like little treasures to be found among the vowels and consonants. “It’s fine , Jay.” The name - not his name - rolls off your tongue, dragged out by the giggles you can’t help. “I know you’re a busy guy. Don’t worry about it.”

Easier said than done, Jungkook thinks. You’ve been on his mind every day, in between the practices and the performances. A silhouette shaped like you - not that he knows how you’re shaped - existing in the recesses of his thoughts.

“Anyway, I finally stopped losing SR so it’s not all bad...”

He doesn’t register what you’re saying. Not at first, anyway. But when he does? He’s belligerent, the loudest shriek rocketing out of his chest as he dissolves into laughter. So you were a little bit better than him. “Hey!”

“Hey yourself, sandbag.”

Your mockery shouldn’t have the dumbest smile spreading like wildfire but it does, the expression eating up every ounce of his exhausted self. He can’t fight it, glee working itself every which way until he’s on his back, staring up at the ceiling as his jaw aches.

“You’re mean,” he manages in between the teeth-numbing joy, chest heaving.

He’s certain you don’t mean it the way he takes it. “And yet you love it.”

God, if only you knew.

He wants to tell you so badly - wants to shout it from the rooftops until he’s blue in the face and without a voice. He thinks he’d have a chance, maybe, if your passed secrets at midnight and tender goodnights were any indication.

But he can’t, because he’s him and you’re, well, you, and really, it’s just his fault.

“Did you die?” You steal him out of his reverie, tearing him wholly from inside that overthinking head of his. It’s one of the things you’re best at (other than keeping him alive in Overwatch).

He sighs and it’s a wistful sound, softer than any other that’s passed between you since getting on the phone fifteen minutes ago. “I’m good, yeah. I’m fine.”

“You sure? I thought I might’ve lost you for a second.”

The playfulness has returned, rounding syllables in a way that’s very distinctly you.

“Yes, Mom .”

“Watch it or you’re grounded, young man!”

“Do you even know how old I am?” Probably not, because he doesn’t know that about you either.

For all of the secrets you’ve shared, these very basic pieces of information are ones you’ve never exchanged. They’ve always been held tightly to the chest, held hostage behind sharp gates of enamel. There was too much at stake when it came to these identifiers.

Sure, you’d told him about your greatest fear - losing one of your parents without being able to say goodbye - and sure, he’d told you his - not being good enough and letting the people he loves down even when he’s trying as hard as he can - but your ages? Where you grew up? Your real names? That was out of the question.

“Are you about to tell me you’re sixteen? Have I been friends with a high school student this whole time?” You’re chuckling at your own genius. He really doesn't think you’re that funny - low hanging fruit and all that - but he likes the way it sounds, curling out of your mouth like smoke.

“I’m actually twelve . Geez, get it right.”

You gasp, scandalized and as if you really believe him. It makes him choke on his own spit and he has to roll over onto his stomach, effectively trapping his phone between his chest and the bed as he struggles to regulate his breathing.

“I’ve always wanted a little brother!”

It’s a joke. Obviously , it’s a joke. He shouldn’t take it seriously.

And yet he’s fueled with the need to rebuff it, speaking before he has a chance to stop it, the words coming in a flurry. It’s a verbal snowstorm, locking the conversation in place - like Mei’s ultimate except he’s trapped in it, too. “I have something to tell you.” There’s no going back now.

For once, you’re not tearing holes in his confidence - not that you ever do with any sort of animosity. Your relationship was equal parts give and take, honey and vinegar coexisting in perfect harmony.

When Jungkook doesn’t immediately continue, you give him a little push. “Spit it out, Jay.”

“My name isn’t Jay.” A small, insecure part of him worries that that’s enough to shatter the careful friendship you’ve crafted. You - Jinny, the ineffable - remain surprisingly silent. He’s not sure whether that’s encouraging or disheartening. “I… haven’t really been honest with you.”

Already he can feel the nervous energy in his limbs, anxiety replacing the high he’d been on only an hour ago.

“I’m…” How does he start? “I’m not just… some guy.” Okay, that sounds bad. He’s backtracking. “I mean, I’m a guy. I’m normal.” This is going so poorly. His breath catches in his throat, teeth worrying incessantly over the soft cherry Chapsticked contour of his bottom lip. “I’m just not, y’know, your average guy. I’m actually like, uh...”

Jungkook has never stuttered this much in his entire goddamn life.

“My name’s Jeon Jungkook and I’m the golden maknae of Bangtan Sonyeondan.”

It comes in such a rush that you probably don’t hear it clearly. He’s introduced himself this same way for over half a decade and even it sounds strange to his ears.

When you don’t respond after what feels like an eternity, he’s left to his own devices, filling the silence with the erratic beating of his heart.

“Jinny?” It comes smaller than he means it to, uncertain and filled with hesitation. Still, nothing. He wants to toss himself off the 37th floor balcony so he doesn’t have to feel this way. “Can you say something?”

Your voice is far more measured than his own. You’re trying to be serious, he thinks. “I… kind of - sort of - already knew?”

Well, he hadn’t expected that.

“What?”

“I mean, the other members don’t exactly knock before they barge into your room screaming your name.” A beat. He can hear the laughter that’s threatening to knock your words into submission. “ And you posted a cover of a song I sent you.”

Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit .

That was definitely his fault. It’d just been so good - living in his head and in his heart rent-free. “ Never Not’s a good song!” He retorts, like that’s an appropriate rebuttal.

“I know, doofus.”

“You’re the doofus!”

The two of you were back, glazing over the revelation like it was nothing more than a little bump in the road.

“Thank you for telling me, though.” He imagines you’re smiling - can practically hear it in your voice. Somehow, it feels different. Sunnier than usual, blinding in its intensity. “I wasn’t sure if you ever would.”

“Would you have been mad if I didn’t?” Though he asks, he’s not sure if he’s ready for the answer.

“Of course not.”

“Really?”

You’re only a little exasperated when you reassure him. “Of course not. You’re still you - no matter what you do.”

Whatever best case scenario he’d imagined doesn’t hold a candle to this. He’s a million miles over the moon. You must be able to tell because he can hear you stifling sound, trails of laughter buzzing around in his ears like hummingbirds.

“So, what now?”

“What do you mean ‘what now’ ? Didn’t you hear what I just said?” There’s no venom in your words. “You’re still you, Jay.”

“It’s Jungkook.” There’s that unabashed need to hear his name. He hopes it isn’t too obvious.

“I know but that’s gonna be hard to get used to.”

“Is your real name Jinny?” He’s always wondered.

“It’s Yoojin. Jinny’s just my nickname.”

“Well, Jinny—” He says it dragged out and silly. “—want to come to one of our shows?”

“I live in Seoul.”

“So what?”

The second time sounds exactly like the first. He snorts. “I live in Seoul .”

"I’ll fly you to Osaka.”

It’s the first time he’s heard you genuinely shocked. It strips the usual mischief from your tone, draping it in lily white and baby’s breath. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” He doesn’t think he’s wanted anything more. At least, not in a very long time.

“Thanks, Jungkook.”

It sounds better than he could have ever imagined.

KYOCERA DOME OSAKA Thursday, 23 July, 2020. 10 PM.

Does he smell bad? Should he have showered first? Would you be grossed out?

These are all the thoughts running through his mind, chasing themselves in circles like a dog after its own tail. They revolve in a neverending merry-go-round, creasing worry into his brow and dropping his mouth into a little O-shaped pout.

“You ready, Jungkookie?” Jimin’s doing what he does best - draping himself across his maknae’s shoulders without a care in the world.

“Are you nervous?” Hobi’s swiping through his phone, dark hair a stylishly dishevelled mess around his angelic face. He’s still got traces of makeup around his eyes and his clip-on earrings glint under fluorescent light.

A hand lands hard on his shoulder, fingers digging into the muscle in a way that’s meant to be reassuring. “Of course he is.” Namjoon can read him like a book, shooting Jungkook his signature smile in the same instance he receives one.

“I’m not nervous!” The youngest chirps in a voice that warbles like a baby bird.

Everyone laughs at that and he can feel his ears burning around the edge of his baseball cap. It creeps over the shell and down his neck, descending blossoms of colour into the collar of his shirt.

“Shouldn’t you get going?” It’s Yoongi that reminds him of the time, the rapper only barely cracking an eye open as he taps the face of his steel-cased Audemars Piguet. He’s right.

Jungkook jolts out of his seat, scrambling to his feet - all four thousand dollars of his designer boots - and nearly knocks Jimin off the back of the couch he’d been precariously balanced on. The overeager bunny shouts an apology that’s lost amongst even louder laughter as he tears out of the room.

He’s going to be late .

He doesn’t think he’s ever ran so fast in his life - darting past bicycling seniors and tourists with all the grace of a boy in love. He somehow manages to find the entrance of the BIC CAMERA store without much hassle, rooting himself just left of the door when his phone screen registers 10:30 PM.

A little triumphant whoop! presses into the sponge-like material of his facemask in the same moment he catches sight of a waving hand.

He’s not sure whether it’s the mask or the sight of you that’s making it hard to breathe.

“Hi.” You sound exactly like you always have and yet six months of hearing your voice somehow doesn't prepare him for it. It hits him like a ton of bricks, crashing his resolve into the soles of his feet. There’s something about you that makes him squint - like staring directly at the sun. His heart stutters in his chest. He thinks, dimly, he can hear bells in the distance. It’s probably from a food stall, but he doesn’t care.

It’s the first meeting he’s always dreamed of, wrapped up in an adorable pink Cooky headband.

He’s scooping you into his arms before he can think better of it, twirling you around like the princess you are. It probably isn’t appropriate - you’ve only just met - but he can’t resist. You feel so good in his arms, weightless and yet entirely grounding.

The fact that you’ve wrapped your arms around his neck, easily reciprocating his onslaught of affection, doesn't go unnoticed. He tucks away this knowledge into the sleeve of his shirt for safekeeping.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t sound very sorry at all. You’re back on your two feet, black military boots of your own on solid ground once again.

Standing so close, he can smell your perfume. Its notes of vanilla and cola and something powdery, reminiscent of babies and home. You’re smaller than he imagined, with narrow shoulders and wide hips. Like him, you look to be about 95% leg, faded blue denim hugging your thighs and falling loosely around the tops of your Doc Martens. Your top is long-sleeved but semi-sheer and he can make out what he thinks are inkings over your skin, little trails in greyscale and colour that draw his stare.

Stop being weird , he tells himself when he finally manages to refocus, tearing his gaze from the jasmine branches that traverse your limbs and training it on your eyes instead.

Bad idea, Jungkook.

He’s lost in the colour of your irises - an impossibly dark brown that twinkles under the awning lights - and the heart-shaped turn of your jaw. He’s all too distracted by the high contours of your cheeks, the turn of your button nose, the dusty pink that fills the shape of your mouth and fades prettily against your skin.

“You look like you’re about to pass out.” The way your lips move should be a chargeable offence. They coax into a smirk that’s equal parts soft and vexing, singular dimple presenting itself with the motion.

God, he’s so in over his head. He can feel it in his bones.

So he laughs - because that’s what he does when he’s unnerved - and the sound is a pack of hyenas. It’s Lion King on Broadway, sweeping above the already boisterous cacophony of the entertainment district.

“Your laugh is even better in person.” You’ve said better and not worse and even though he’s a little self-conscious - a decidedly not Jungkook-like thing to be - he preens from the praise.

“Yeah?” Can you see the hearts in his eyes? He imagines they’ve replaced his pupils.

“Yeah. But don’t let that get to your head, mister.”

“Already has - sorry.”

You laugh in sync and it’s music to his ears - the prettiest sound he’s ever heard.

The two of you fall into your routine in a way that feels effortless, the back and forth banter rivalling that of best friends.

You tease him mercilessly, picking up on all his little idiosyncrasies - how he stands at stop lights, pigeon-toed and adorable; how he jams his hands into the back pocket of his jeans in tandem with the tips of his ears burning bright red; how his laugh sometimes trips over itself and splinters like a kid going through puberty. He doesn’t mind any of it, truthfully, because it means you’re paying attention to him just as much as he is you.

Because he sees all of your little habits too - watches them unfold before his eyes in technicolour. You bite your own lip when you think you’ve said something particularly funny. You wiggle your head on your shoulders like a bobblehead when he says something snappy, equally biting remarks softened by the way you bob up and down. You don’t step on cracks, even if it means you’re straining those strangely long legs of yours to carry yourself a few inches further.

You don’t have any patience - something he’s known since the beginning - but that he realizes with a front row seat when you’re shoving a takoyaki into his face. There’s steam curling off it and the smell is intoxicating but he can practically feel the roof of his mouth burning when you’re relentlessly offering it to him. You’re not even deterred by the fact that he’s got a facemask on.

“Open up!”

Jungkook wants to say no - should say no, for the sake of his own health - but he accepts it anyway.

It sears white hot pain the moment it lands on his tongue, teeth buzzing uncomfortably as he bites into the dough. He’s sucking air in through his teeth, the cold barely doing anything to alleviate the sting. He probably looks stupid as hell.

Of course, you’re laughing at him, lips curled in on themselves as you try to choke back the sound.

“Too hot?” You coo, feigning surprise. You do feel a little bad - he can see it in the flex of your jaw, how your bamboo stick-wielding hand lingers in the space between you. “My bad.”

He chews once, twice - tries to keep it to a minimum because holy shit , does it hurt - before swallowing. It burns on the way down. “You eat one now.” He’s pushing the tray towards you, long fingers curled around yours as he all but tries to make you face plant into the plate.

“I don’t like squid,” you deadpan, lying through those neat white teeth of yours. You’d literally made takoyaki at home a few weeks ago. He’d dared you to put an entire wasabi ball into one and you’d done it.

“Shut up.”

“You shut up!”

So it goes for the rest of the night, trading insults over street food. You share an ice cream-filled melon pan - well, he orders one and you eat all of it but a bite - and you scroll through your phone as he inhales a bowl of ramen. He catches you taking a picture of him when he’s halfway through slurping noodles into his mouth like a Hoover. You look a little sheepish when he swallows and levels you with a look that screams unimpressed.

“Is this okay?” You’re a little uncertain and it’s the cutest thing he’s seen all night, teeth catching your bottom lip. He wonders, briefly, what it’d be like to do that to you instead.

You beam when he reassures you. “Of course.”

“I won’t post it anywhere.”

He wants to tell you that’s okay, too, but he knows he shouldn’t. Instead, he simply returns your smile and goes about finishing his bowl of broth. You take a few more photos - of his face when he’s full-belied and satisfied, of the street where people mingle and mix, of the stupidly big moving crab sign across the way.

He wonders if you can feel it too - the connection that crackles between you like a livewire.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” you return your attention to him in the same instant he’s glossing over the shape of your lips, the turn of your nose. “I’ll pay you back.”

Before he realizes what’s happening, your hand is on his. You don’t do very much, simply allowing your palm to rest over his, fingers curled around the seam of his thumb. It’s so much smaller - complete with neatly manicured lilac nails - that he stares down at it for a beat too long.

You start to pull away - he sees it happening almost in slow motion - when he flips his own, catching your wrist in his grasp. “No need,” he mumbles, not quite looking at you. He’s still too focused on the way your hands fit together like two puzzle pieces.

“We’ll see about that,” you return, equally as soft.

Everything feels a little fuzzy, like you’re wrapped up in cotton candy and cloud nine.

You must feel it too.

But then you’re standing and you’re not holding his hand any longer and he thinks maybe he’s imagining it all over again. It leaves him heartsick, reaching for your figure that’s already too far away.

“We should head back - I have an early flight tomorrow.”

Damn him and his poor planning skills. He should’ve booked you something later in the day. Why had he thought the 9 AM departure was the best idea?

“Right.” He lifts himself off of the wooden bench, returning his facemask to its rightful place as he closes the distance between you in four easy strides. He tries to ignore the way you smile at him when you’re back together, matching pace through the somehow still-packed streets.

There’s no playful ribbing now. The schoolyard mockery is replaced with a comfortable silence that sinks into his bones and brushes his hand against yours every time you have to squeeze past a gaggle of people that just won’t move. It’s familiar without being boring, satisfying the big fat crush that lives in his heart.

It settles even further when you do the same, head gentle against the curve of his shoulder.

“Did you have fun?” He finally asks when the familiar silhouette of the Conrad Hotel comes into view, your driver rolling to a complete stop right in front of the impressive glass structure.

You hum something that sounds like yes as he pays and thanks the driver in the softest Japanese before he ushers you out of the back of the cab. You’re smiling at him, heavy-lidded and with a tenderness he doesn’t expect. You must be tired.

“More than I’ve ever had.” There’s a certain truth to your words, whether it’s from your sleepy state or something else. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“You don’t have to,” he reminds you, guiding you past the concierge with a palm on the small of your back. It’s intimate in a way he’s not really sure is appropriate but you don’t seem to mind, all too happy to be herded around like a baby duckling.

“Stop saying that.” There’s no weight behind your words - only sandman’s dust and starry-eyed affection. Jungkook’s heart plays a staccato rhythm in his chest as he steps into the lift behind you, crowded against the far right wall. Mozart would be proud.

Trapped in the small six by six area, his breath seems too loud. The roar of his pulse in his ears is deafening. He barely hears his own words when they stumble out of their own accord.

“I like you.”

Your laugh is the sweetest he’s ever heard. “I know.”

“You do?” He rounds on you in the same breath, your body mirroring his subconsciously.

“Of course I do.” You’re so confident he absorbs a little bit of it, stepping closer when you do. “I’m your safe place - and you’re mine, too.”

His hands are shaking when they crowd your face, thumbs gentle over the jut of your chin. “Can I kiss you?” Spoken like a child asking for a Christmas gift, full of wonder and hope.

“Hm.” The vibration of your sigh is felt through his fingers all the way down to his toes.

He decides for you, closing the distance with a roll of his shoulders.

Kissing you is unlike anything he could’ve ever imagined. It’s better than his wildest dreams. It’s soft and sweet and done with the utmost care, like you’ll break if he isn’t careful. You taste as good as you smell - the citrusy tang of your lip gloss reminding him of Lotte World lemonade and picnics on the Han River.

“I’m sorry.” It’s an unnecessary apology that gets lost against your lips - because he isn’t quite ready to let go of you yet. “I couldn’t help it.”

“You’re forgiven, I guess .”

When you speak, it’s kissing in its most basic form, mouth brushing over his with each enunciation. He wonders what it’d be like to have you sing a song for him like this. He decides he wants to find out as soon as possible. Needs it like he needs air - or more of you. Either or.

“Thanks.”

You laugh together and kiss again and again, repeating the motion like overeager high school students behind the bleachers. He grazes your forehead, pressing sweetness into the tops of your eyelids and you return the favour, sweeping delight over the sharp turn of his jaw and over skin not hidden by the collar of his button-down.

You’re so involved that you hardly notice when the lift doors slide open, revealing the empty hallway of the 33rd floor. You break away first, though it’s not without some resistance - both his and yours. He wants to keep you here with him as long as he can, because it feels like where you belong .

“I’ll see you.” A last kiss - lingering, longing, littered with words neither of you say.

And then you’re gone.

JINNY’S APARTMENT Saturday, 5 September, 2020. 2:45 PM.

You live in a nondescript apartment in a nondescript neighbourhood with trimmed hedges and a crisp white exterior. There’s a doormat - grey, a little frayed at the edges, polka-dotted - and nothing else. No sign on your door, just the number 134 stamped on the right-hand side, half a foot away from the window that looks into the open-air hallway.

You answer the door on the first knock, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like you’d been lingering just behind the frame, waiting for his arrival. Your hair’s shiny and freshly washed, damp at the ends where you haven’t wicked all the moisture away. You look comfortable - if not a little overexcited - bouncing from sock-clad foot to sock-clad foot in your low slung sweatpants and oversized tee shirt. He can see half a dozen plants just behind your bobbing head, his gaze bouncing between pretty ceramic and terracotta pots.

“I half expected you to live in a PC bang,” Jungkook states, drole and with that trademark grin of his, nose scrunched and eyes waning.

You counter him easily. “You haven’t even been inside. Maybe it’s all a front.”

He snickers at the thought, stepping over the threshold once you’ve taken a step back. It smells like cinnamon and sugar - he wonders if you’ve been baking - and he peers curiously around the apartment.

“It’s a candle,” you supply before he has a chance to ask, reading the question in his stare.

“You mean you didn’t bake me a cake?”

You offer an extended scoff in place of an answer, rolling your eyes as he unlaces his boots. “What for? Your birthday’s already passed.”

“It might not have.”

“It literally has. I know your birthday.”

Right. Because he’s him and that’s sort of common knowledge.

He chuckles to himself as he sets his boots aside, right beside where yours sit, near identical. He doesn’t need to say anything when he hears you sniff, Rilakkuma-tipped sock nudging his hand away from where it threatens to upend the piece of footwear.

“I had them before I met you.”

“Right.” It’s too easy to tease you - just as it’s too easy to rib him. This is how the two of you are. Schoolchildren with big crushes and near zero emotional maturity.

“Do you want a tour or are you just gonna be some weirdo with a foot fetish?”

He meets your stare then, both of your expressions ice cold. If looks could kill .

You crack before he does, though your laughter melds together like a perfect harmony, ricocheting off the art-covered walls.

“Fine, fine. Show me around.”

So you do - with gusto and great pride. It rolls off you in waves, tangible in the cascade of your hair over your shoulder and the way you beam up at him. You’re like a kid at show-and-tell.

You guide him into the living area - a small space with a comfortable, worn-in grey couch and probably more throw pillows and blankets than is strictly speaking necessary. There are framed pieces on the wall and it’s the contents that surprise him. There’s Mercy playing pool, bent over the table in a revealing Playboy bunny one piece; there’s D.Va in a hoodie and little else, bottles of soju littering both the back and foreground.

Where the walls are bare, there’s other stuff taking up the space. Artfully positioned floating shelves house succulents and cacti. A well-cared for Monstera sits in a far corner, taking up more space than it probably should. Nestled among its soil are little Animal Crossing Amiibos - Cyrus and Reese, to be exact. There’s an all-white cabinet with a glass front and some of the most random stuff he’s ever seen: limited edition Gunpla, a Taiko Drum, and your framed university degree (for accounting, to his great surprise).

“Is that a Widow bobblehead?” He spies it last, sitting on the cabinet that houses an impressive array of gaming consoles. You even have a VR headset, the cords neatly looped together and tucked away beside a maneki neko-shaped piggy bank.

“Maybe.”

“You really are a dork.”

“Says the bigger dork? Really?”

He could dispute that - easily - but he doesn’t, instead shrugging it off as he flops onto the couch, feet immediately kicking themselves up.

“What’re you doing?” You join him even as you ask. He’s a little disappointed by the polite amount of space you leave - just enough that you’re not touching.

“I’m tired.”

“I haven’t finished the tour.”

“Tour schmore .”

You scowl at him and it’s so charming that he wishes you were just a little closer. He’d kiss that look right off your face if it were up to him.

“What do you want to do then?” Where the stuffed animal comes from, he’s not sure. It’s more than a little ratty, soft brown fur faded from what looks like years and years of love. You hold it tight, clutched to your chest as you recline against the far arm.

“Watch the Runaway and Lunatic-Hai show matches?”

You level him with a look that very much tells him he is the bigger nerd. He doesn’t mind, though. He’s been wanting to watch these matches for months since it was first announced.

Unfortunately, you’d promised each other you’d only watch it together, so really, this was your fault.

You must suddenly remember that, because you’re biting back the words he’s sure were about to tear into him, swallowing them whole as you grab your PS4 controller and begin silently navigating through YouTube. He smiles, a little triumphant thing he knows you can see from the corner of your eye.

“Happy?” Resentment mixes with excitement as you return your controller to its rightful home and settle yourself once more against the too-many pillows.

“No.” Jungkook worries for your neck when you whip to look at him, brow furrowed and mouth blown out in a pout.

“Why not?”

He memorizes the way you look right now, framed against sunlight that spills through your windows and hugging what he assumes is your childhood teddy bear. It’s an immediate serotonin boost.

“Because you’re all the way over there.” He sighs, long and loud, head swinging in a dramatic semi-circle. He can hear you snickering despite yourself - could pick it out in a crowd of thousands, he thinks - and suddenly you’re beside him, distance closed in a heartbeat.

With you so close, it’s hard to think, his thoughts jumbled and tripping over themselves.

“Better?” You must know the effect you have on him, because you’re batting those goddamn eyelashes up at him, mouth dancing around his favourite sound in the world.

“Much,” he hums, unashamed.

“Welcome home, Kook.” The way you say it sparks fireworks in his chest. He knows you mean home as in the city of Seoul, but it feels like more and he likes that - just like how he likes you and this little piece of normalcy.

It feels good to be here with you, seemingly without a care in the world.

It’s distinctly different from anything he’s used to - even better than the long hours spent bonding on the internet. There’s no worry here, no nagging in the back of his mind, no concern that one of his hyungs will burst into his room. It’s just you and him and commentary on his favourite game.

That is, until it’s just him and commentary on his favourite game. He’d lost you somewhere along the way, roughly three hours in. He hadn’t noticed at first, far too focused on the big brain plays unravelling across the screen, but when you started snoring, he knew.

You just snored so damn loudly.

“Jinny.” He feels bad when he has to rouse you, the feeling in his right leg but a distant memory.

You don’t move. He wonders when the last time you slept was.

“Jinny,” he repeats himself, a little louder this time. There’s the beginning of stirrings, your head drifting from its position on his shoulder to nestle into the crease of the couch cushions. “Do you want me to take you to bed?”

It doesn’t immediately dawn on Jungkook how that sounds.

“Wouldn’t you like that,” you mumble into the woven fabric, half-asleep.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing.” You’re doing that thing you do when you’re impressed with yourself, teeth littering your bottom lip with indentations. It’s more distracting than it should be, paired with those bedroom eyes he’s not certain you’re in control of.

Get it together , he scolds himself. In his mind, the angel powerbombs the devil into submission.

“Do you want to go to bed?”

“No! Not yet.” You’re waving a boneless wrist in his direction, like you’re swatting away an irksome fly. It’s cute, in a frazzled sort of way.

“You want to sleep out here?” He knows you don’t - you’ve complained about it enough times when you wake up with kinks in your neck and soreness in your back.

“No!” A huff puffs out your cheeks, blows your grown-out bangs away from your face. You’re sitting up now, slowly but surely. There are creases all over your face - an ode to the couch. He has to keep from laughing right at you - bites it back with a bitten tongue when you sniff and card a hand over through your hair. “I have a gift for you.”

You say it so sweetly, he can’t help himself.

“Is it you?”

He’s honestly not sure what to expect once he’s spoken. He half thinks you’ll laugh, shove him away from you with a giggle and a roll of your eyes. He hopes you won’t, though - can feel every fibre of his being strung tight with anticipation and hope and the request of please, love me .

“Do you want it to be?” You’re looking at him with the strangest expression. He can’t read it at all, despite how easily he normally does. It’s white noise, static on a television screen.

Uncertainty grips him. “I do.”

“Then I’m yours.”

It’s music to his ears - the key to his heart. It strips away the doubt, turning it on its head.

He finally does what he’s wanted to for the past four hours.

When he kisses you this time, it’s different. It’s urgent but not rushed; he takes his time in exploring the softness of your lips, how they fall open under his careful ministrations. His mouth slants, coaxes you to give everything to him as his tongue passes tentatively over yours. You taste like lemons again - and a touch of honey.

It’s intoxicating and addictive and he chases the high it gives him, large hands finding purchase against the back of your head and the slope of your jaw. Fingers thread through your hair - gentle at first, then with more purpose. He maneuvers you how he needs you and peppers kisses everywhere he can reach. Your eyelids, your nose, your neck.

When he ghosts his mouth across your shoulder - mouthing hot over the soft cotton of your shirt - and finds that particular point where your pulse beats, you gasp.

He’d thought your laugh was his favourite sound but he realizes now how wrong he was.

“Do that again.” You say it together, in perfect sync.

Laughter blooms between you and he muffles his against your throat, nosing over where your perfume lingers most. He inhales once, twice, and holds you somehow closer, all but dragging you into his lap. “You’re my dream girl, you know that?” The words are surprisingly sweet, given the compromising position you’re currently in.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” You thread your fingers just as he has, twirling through his just-on-the-right-side-of-too-long strands.

He moves to pull away, a scoff building in his throat, but you’re having none of it, capturing his lips the moment he’s made up his mind. You really could read him like a book. He wonders what you’re thinking now, starts running through possibilities when you bite down just so on his pouting bottom lip.

A not-so-subtle hint to get out of his own head.

“Stop thinking,” you hum, lending your voice to his thoughts.

“Sorry,” he returns in kind, tracing an apologetic tongue over the seam of your lips.

“Show me how sorry.”

You sound positively sinful and while it isn’t the answer he’d expected, it stirs something within him - from his chest to somewhere decidedly further south. He stifles a moan, caging it behind bared teeth as he becomes suddenly far too aware of how you’re making him feel.

“You’re playing with fire, baby.” The pet name rolls off his tongue like it was made for you.

“It’s fine - I have self-healing.”

It’s so fucking dorky but somehow, even that makes Jungkook groan. “Seriously - dream girl.”

And then he’s kissing you again and again, a devoted parishioner of your church. They’re this-side of innocent at first, little pecks that dot every sliver of available flesh. His hands roam in tandem with his mouth, flitting beneath the cropped hem of your top before gliding greedily across the tops of your thighs.

“Can I get the rest of the tour now?” He looks like the devil himself, all dishevelled dark hair and that heart-wrenching, lopsided smile.

You’re impatient though - always have been. “Straight down the hall. Last door to the left.”

It’s all he needs to know before he’s on his feet, rising with you as if you were featherlight. Your ankles lock around his waist, clinging to him like the cutest koala he’s ever seen. He doesn’t look away - frankly, can’t – as he follows your directions, gaze trained on your eyes and your lips and the column of your throat he wants to see blooming with roses.

“I’m crazy about you,” he announces, suddenly, as he nudges open your bedroom door.

“I know.” You say it a lot. He wonders if you really know.

By the way you kiss him, he thinks you might have an idea. It’s not enough, though. He wants to show you - needs to show you.

You allow yourself to be tossed upon your bed - soft grey sheets, no stuffed animals in sight, too many pillows again - and he hovers above you, curious. “Are you sure you know?” The question is punctuated by the drop of his knee, cotton of his black joggers a stark contrast to the soft linens.

You’re not sure if this is a game - he can read the question swimming in your eyes. “Maybe?” You’re upspeaking, which is something you never do. It’s disarming in a way that makes him want to hear it again, but with his name over and over.

“Maybe?” He echoes, brow quirked and mouth twisted into an expression that starts butterflies in your stomach. It’s like a switch has flipped. For the first time, he’s the heartthrob you’ve seen on stage, the one fansites rave about with fervour. A force to be reckoned with . “Let me make it clear then?”

It’s spoken like a question, though it begs no answer. You’d give him anything he wanted.

“Can I?” You don’t think you have it in you to respond - not when he’s looking at you the way he is, from behind dark lashes and with the most charming smile you’ve ever seen. But he needs an answer - won’t go further until he has one.

“Yes,” you breathe in a voice that doesn’t quite sound like your own, far too airy and mellifluous.

He looks like a kid who’s had his heart’s greatest wish granted. There’s unbridled joy spilling into every crevice, streaming out of every pore as he lowers himself onto the bed. You’re trapped beneath him - knees situated comfortably on either side of your legs - when his hands find the shorn hem of your shirt, tugging gently at the offending article of clothing.

“Off,” he says simply. It’s gone before you can think twice. Your sweatpants and socks follow in quick succession - he snorts a laugh when he has to tug your socks off by the ears on either side of your ankles - until you’re left in only black cotton that covers hardly anything at all.

Jungkook sighs a sound that shoots straight into the belly of the beast, sparking warmth in the pit of your stomach.

“You’re so beautiful.”

He sees the uncertainty in your eyes, hands reaching to cover the places you’ve been self-conscious about since you were old enough to understand what bullying was. The modest swell of your chest, the tiger stripes along your hips.

Words are fitted with motion, hands of his own sweeping your arms away from your body. Long fingers curl easily around the dainty turn of your wrist. “Please don’t hide from me.”

You can’t deny him when he asks so nicely.

“Tell me about these?” He means your tattoos, of course. They’re intricate works of art that span nearly a quarter of your flesh, painting grayscale and colour over cream. There’s the jasmine he’d spotted the night you met, coiled around your left forearm and up to your bicep in stark ink. Across your stomach, from the top of your right thigh and over your ribs, are intricate peonies in shades of pink and red and green. Everywhere lines bloom, etched forever into your skin, his mouth follows. He can’t ingrain himself in the same ways but he tries, searing devotion in the form of kisses.

It tickles when he ghosts over your ribs with both tongue and teeth and it’s absolutely indescribable when he catches your nipple between enamel.

You make that sweet sound he so loves - a heady mix between a gasp and a moan - and he repeats the motion. You hardly realize he’s speaking when he does it for the third time and adds nimble fingers to pinch and pull the other into the same pebbled state.

“ Tell me.” He sounds like he’s laughing, trapped halfway down your body with his cheek pressed to the modest swell of your chest.

You’re not sure how you get the words out. “My mom’s a big gardener. She calls me her flower.”

“Her flower, huh?” The question is muffled among your humble cleavage.

“Did I stutter?” That earns you a sharp tweak to your nipple, the pain shooting pleasure through your limbs in a very unexpected way. You’ve never been one for pain but the sight of Jungkook staring up at you, head cocked and hands full - well, there’s a first time for everything.

“You want to be nicer to me,” he states solemnly, like he’s commenting on the weather or the 6 o’clock news and not palming your tits in his much larger hands and drawing out the sweetest murmurs of encouragement.

“I am nice to you,” you retort - or try to at least. You hardly get it out before it’s chased out by another one of those lovely sounds that Jungkook seems to be obsessed with.

“ Nicer , baby.”

As if to drive his point home, he straightens out, face suddenly dangerously close. He crowds you with his entire frame, mouth finding yours easily. It’s not the same sort of kisses you’ve shared all evening; it’s a display of dominance, a reminder that articulates more than he can say.

It’s also a distraction, you realize belatedly, with a gasp tearing its way out of your throat.

Capable hands have found their mark, digits sweeping beneath the seam of your thong. He lingers just shy of where you desperately want him, expertly trailing featherlight touches through your folds. He never goes further - doesn’t stretch where you need him most. He’s careful not to brush your clit, focusing instead on the way you’re coating his fingers.

The shit-eating grin never leaves his lips - which never leave your mouth. He swallows your whines in the same instant he’s pulling them forth, playing you like a fiddle without even really doing anything.

“Can you do that for me?” He coos against your neck, that damned voice of his dripping liquid gold into your ears.

You have to focus hard on what he’s saying because his touch is so distracting. “What?”

“I said—” It stings where his mouth connects, where his teeth nip and spill wine over porcelain. He’s painting the prettiest pictures, signing his name in the form of broken capillaries. “—can you be nice to me?”

You’d like to respond - really, you would - but he punctuates the question with the glide of his finger and you can’t do anything but arch into the sudden intrusion. It feels so good and yet isn’t nearly enough.

“Kook.” You’ve never sounded this whiny in your life. Even his name - one single syllable - hardly makes it past your lips without descending into a cry.

“Use your words , angel.”

If every nerve ending didn’t feel like it was on fire, you might’ve yelled at him. Instead, you can hardly form a coherent thought. You’re too far gone, standing on the edge of a cliff as he teases you open with slow, measured pumps of his wrist.

“I need—” He’s crooking the single digit within you, right against that spot that makes you see stars.

“What do you need? Ask nicely.”

“M-more. I need m-more .” A hiccup. “Please.”

“Like this?” You’re empty all at once and then suddenly far more full, the stretch of two fingers stealing the breath from your throat. “Or like this?” The pad of his thumb finds your clit with ease, sweeping over the sensitive bundle of nerves once, twice, three times. “Maybe like this?”

He repeats his earlier movements, curling his knuckles in a come hither motion that has you sobbing out his name.

“That’s right.” Ever the gentleman, he works you through your high, watching your face in rapt fascination as your first orgasm of the night crests and crashes over you, sending shockwaves through your system. He admires the way your mouth falls open - full lips rounding in delight - and how your eyes screw shut.

You’re the hottest thing Jeon Jungkook has ever seen.

“I’ve got you,” he murmurs against your temple, never ceasing the slow drag of his fingers, the carefully measured flick of his thumb. Even when you’re trembling with oversensitivity, he doesn’t relent, choosing instead to reposition.

His weight is gone as he settles between your legs, knees folded beneath him. He only pauses his needy actions - almost doesn’t, when your hips roll in an apparent attempt to draw him back in - to strip you of your thong, tossing it somewhere over his shoulder.

“Give me another, okay?”

You aren’t given a chance to answer before he slips two fingers back where they belong and seals his mouth over your clit. The coil he’d snapped earlier returns, tension increased tenfold as he alternates between sucking hard and licking, dragging his tongue over and around his fingers. There’s too much stimulation. You’re obscenely wet and you’re certain you’d be making a mess, if not for the careful way Jungkook’s devouring you whole, licking up every bit of slick.

“Kook. Jungkook .” His name sounds like heaven coming off your lips. He replays it over and over in his head as he fucks his fingers into you, tapping a brutal rhythm against your g-spot. He can tell you’re close again - can read it in the way your jaw tenses and your breathing goes erratic, lungs heaving.

“Come on, baby. Let go.” The second orgasm hits harder, arching your back off the mattress as you fight to keep your knees from snapping shut. You come with a hoarse cry, legs trembling like a leaf with the effort. “That’s my girl.”

He’s upon you again, this time crowding your space as he settles all one hundred and fifty pounds of himself beside you. He anchors you in reality, preventing your boneless body from floating off by pulling you against his chest.

“You did so good.”

You accept his kisses readily, somehow managing to thread your arm around his neck despite the fact that you feel like you’ve just run a marathon.

Being wrapped up in his embrace is like being home - warm and familiar.

“I want you.”

He laughs and you can hear the sound rattling around in his chest. “You’ve got me.”

“That’s not what I meant.” You sound a little petulant, like a child being denied their favourite toy.

“I know what you meant,” he retorts, squeezing your bare hip affectionately. “But you’re also exhausted, so get some sleep. Patience is key, remember?”

You pout up at him with your messy bedhead and sleepy eyes and he almost gives in right then and there. It’s nearly impossible not to, especially when you drag your hip across his, your ankle hooking his in a bid to bring the two of you somehow closer.

He doesn’t expect you to relent so easily but your yawn outs you, forcing itself past the cage you’re trying - and failing - to keep closed. “Fine.”

“I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“You better be.” It’s an empty threat - you both know he won’t leave. “I still have to give you your present, anyway.”

He feigns surprise then, snickering quietly. “You mean it wasn’t you?”

You don’t have the energy to yell at him, so instead you dig your bony fingers into the vulnerable underside of his ribs. He squirms away from the feeling but never really goes far.

“It’s a Mercy bobblehead, you butt.” You yawn again, shiver running the length of your spine as you snuggle more closely against his side once more. Jungkook tugs your duvet up around your shoulders, tucking you in tightly. The action reminds you of why you’d bought the gift in the first place. “I think you might actually be my guardian angel.”

notes. the end of an era (and by era, i mean a fic). this honestly turned out to be my baby, so i sincerely hope you enjoyed reading it. i'll likely do some drabbles in the future, because i really, really adore this couple. as always, let me know your thoughts. xo

tag list. @letmebeyour-sun @teawithbucky

681 notes · View notes

imagine-turtles · 5 years ago

Note

Ggggnhgfjdhdjdjdjd ok new request bro, how about the boys receiving anonymous appreciation letters (like little encouraging or praising words, or just things like "I hope you know how much I appreciate you and everything you do for me" etc) like once a week or something, and they dont know who it's from but one day they recognize its their crush's handwriting? How would they feel about the anonymous letters? Would they want to write back even if they dont know who it's from? Would they be suspicious? And how would they react to discovering who wrote them?

Bayverse ‘cause I make the rules. (KIDDING, let me know if you’re looking for another era.)

Leonardo isn’t clueless about his secret admirer’s identity for long; his family only knows a handful of people, and only a few out of those people know him well enough to target his ego so accurately.

Unfortunately, he starts overthinking the whole thing. Why are they doing this? Why not just talk to him directly? Does he seem unapproachable? Are they messing with him, knowing it could never work out? Splinter and April bear the full brunt of Leonardo’s near-obsessive need to deduce their exact intentions, not that April minds--all she does is uhuh and mhm and maybe they just like you, doofus. She may even tip off the “anonymous” writer to let them know that their super cute idea is inadvertently stressing the recipient out.

Once the situation is put to rest, Leonardo’s thrilled to have his crush’s support, but he’d honestly rather be talking face to face than through notes. It’s faster, easier, and looking at them when they speak kills most of his anxiety about where he stands.

~~~

Raphael thinks most writing looks pretty much the same--the only exception being April’s tendency to write everything huge, in all caps--so he has no idea who keeps leaving him letters. Touchy-feely, deadly accurate, borderline romantic letters, that he stashes more carefully than anything else he owns. He may as well be hiding nuclear launch codes. Logically, he knows it’d be safer to just read and destroy, but he can’t bear to part with a single one. Not even the goofy little post-its.

The decision of whether or not to write back plagues Raphael for weeks. He wants so badly for his crush to be the one leaving him the notes, he’s almost content not knowing instead of considering someone else. And what if he writes back, but they’re disappointed by what he writes? What if he never gets another letter? The rest of the family notes his new moodiness, but he’d sooner relinquish the top bunk than open up to one of them about it.

Even when Raphael realizes who he’s been writing, he doesn’t ever really stop. Sending letters back and forth becomes a pastime never acknowledged out loud, a way for him to voice exactly what he’s feeling without having to justify himself. Besides, isn’t it just horribly, decadently romantic?

~~~

Like Leonardo, Donatello would probably identify the handwriting fairly quickly. This isn’t just due to their limited social circle, either; he verifies his hunch with some forensic handwriting recognition software he “borrowed” from the NYPD to be double sure, and checks the security cams to be triple sure.

(He weakly reasons that it’s not creepy to check the cameras in your own house, and he did tell them that nearly every inch of the lair is recorded.)

Donatello isn’t quite sure if his crush is shy, messing with him, or just thinks he needs cheering up, but he’s willing to play their game and find out. Rather than leaving them physical notes, he starts sending them little gifts. Sometimes they’re useful, sometimes they’re just snacks or trinkets, but they’re always accompanied by a brief note. The exchanges between he and his crush turn into a sort of disjointed conversation between them, occasionally bleeding into their in-person interactions by picking up where they left off. No one else tries to follow exactly what they’re talking about anymore.

~~~

Michelangelo needs to know who’s sending him gooey notes or he will simply pass away. Unlike his brothers, he’s not only happy to share, he keeps everyone updated with a running commentary. Yes, his family is happy for him, but they really, really don’t need a play-by-play analysis every single time he receives so much as a “great job” post-it.

Mikey makes it his mission to reply to every single one, placing it exactly where he found the previous message in the hopes that his pen pal sees it. It briefly occurs to him that anyone else could also read the notes, but hey, it’s not like he’s trying to be sneaky. His brothers have no desire to further involve themselves, and he begs Leonardo to proofread them anyways. He’d shout his feelings from the tippy-top of the nearest radio tower if it would earn him more mysterious attention.

It honestly doesn’t take Michelangelo too long to figure out his ~secret pen pal~ is the person he was hoping it was. Which is great! Better than great! Now he can start leaving them notes too--but not just notes. He takes it upon himself to “redecorate” an overpass into a mural for his crush, smack dab in the middle of their usual commute.

#back in the saddle girls gays n theys...#tmnt #tmnt imagines #tmnt bayverse #leonardo #raphael #donatello #michelangelo #dianounais

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rpbetter · 4 years ago

Note

a vent (feel free to ignore if it's too much!): so recently i've noticed psd makers getting anon asks on whether they're ok with people who write certain topics (mostly rpf, incest, rape, underage, the usual "problematic" topics) using their recourses. now, i don't roleplay any of these subjects on tumblr, so even if a content creator said not to use their stuff, it's not even something i need to worry about - but, and maybe this is me overthinking it, what if i, someday, write a noncon fanfic on ao3? i'm still not using their resources on the subject or writing it on tumblr, but i'd probably feel weird about it, like i'm crossing some boundary. what if a psd maker whose content i've already purchased suddenly goes "actually don't use my psds if you rp abusive relationships", which is probably the closest to what people consider "taboo themes" of the things that i roleplay. it just feels like a fine line between personal boundaries and a shitty situation for a customer - not wanting to cross boundaries but already having PAID for something previously, when no such rules existed. it's making me want to 1. block everyone i see saying this, because even though i don't personally roleplay the topics above, i don't feel SAFE around people who tell others what kind of fiction they are allowed to enjoy and 2. just quit using people's resources and spend years learning to make my own psds so i won't have to worry about this shit. it's just stressing me out, as someone who has been harrassed and bullied online for speaking against censorship. i've had literal sock accounts made just to spew targetted harrassment at me on twitter. i've been accused of being a pedo and supporting incest and this is??? literally for saying "i don't think real people should be harrassed for fictional shit", i've not even shipped underage or incest ships. both make me uncomfortable. but fuck, antis make me 1000000x more uncomfortable than people who ship these kinda ships. i digress, this got rambley, i just. do you have any advice on what to do with the potential psd situation, or am i really just overthinking it? (always worried i accidentally send stuff like this off anon. help)

I need you to know that I actually had to rush-scroll back up and just double check that you did submit on anon lol! I always get worried I'll miss the one person who accidentally didn't use anon, if it makes you feel any better! When someone does submit with their URL attached, I message them first to be sure they are okay with them having it posted that way/it wasn't an accident ;) That's what I would want someone to do!

Alright, so, anyhow...

I've also noticed that becoming a more common thing and it's been on my (maybe huge) list of things to look into for a bit because I really do try to make sure I'm not just noticing things in my areas of the RPC/failing to notice things that do not impact me. Since I do all my edits and graphics, it falls into the first category for me. So, thank you for moving that up the list and informing me that it really is more prevalent and not my imagination!

My take on seeing it was a combination of business logic and anxiety, not going to lie.

On the first: charging to do a psd that is just that, just a psd file being used as a template/to act as an easier version of a photoshop "action" in a way, that's 100% legal and fine. Absolutely no muddy waters there. However, charging to do things like icons, edits, etc. that include images of celebrities and stills from movies (or gifs) is quite muddy. Legally, it's not legal. It's a thing we're allowed to do and use (on most platforms) because we're not making money off of it, we're not claiming to hold rights to the images, and so on - it's ignored but illegal. Charging money for it, however, even when phrased as "for my time" (which, absolutely valid feeling), is a more serious form of illegal and potentially attention-getting. This all gets more iffy though when we add donation instead of direct commission/purchase when working with these copyrighted materials. You can ask people to donate and suggest a donation based on your time spent, and that is always what I advise people to do.

Okay, so, that preface is necessary because the thing about stipulating use-rights is that they're iffy, too, there are variables present.

Often, these same people are charging for things like icon packs as well, meaning that even if they're only charging you for a template-style psd file sans imagery they don't own, they've kind of shot themselves in the foot. Not to mention, it's exceedingly damn hypocritical to pitch a fit about someone violating your rights when you're literally using other people's copyrighted materials lmao And that does tend to occur to me, yeah, it's a consequence of attorney friends and running businesses.

The other issues with this are that usage rights have to be stated at the time of purchase and morality clause-style shit, as pertains to products, is not legally binding.

When you purchase something like a psd file, that purchase acts as a sort of contract.

Think of like...buying a photoshop brush set - the person selling it puts very simple rules as to its use, such as: non-commercial use only, brush pack cannot be resold or distributed for free, separate brushes from the pack cannot be resold or distributed for free individually. Meaning that you own the brushes you bought, but you are not legally allowed to make real-life money from anything you use them in, and you cannot send the whole pack or files individually to friends for free or charge other people for them. By buying these, you have agreed to these stipulations of use and ownership.

If the person sells psd's and you agree to what they've stated about the use (you can't use them to do commissions you make IRL money from, you can't give them away to friends, etc.), that's binding even somewhere as casual as RP Land. The exchange of real currency makes it that serious.

However, there are limits to stipulations of use! One of those things is when you agreed - this person cannot, even one literal second, later change their terms of use and retroactively hold you to them. If they were okay with you not crediting them anywhere or using them in works you will gift others or charge others something like game currency for at the time you purchased, then that's it. Tough shit for them, not you, when they decide a month later that they want credit given where the work appears, that they do not want finished products gifted, or don't want you to make even in-game currency from them.

And that absolutely would apply to the morality wank, yes.

Except that this very morality wank comes with its own issues. Reality is not tumblr. In reality, at least in most instances and countries, you can't throw in a fucking morality clause regarding the buyer, use of item, or finished product.

Think of this in this way: Chik-Fil-A starts denying chicken and waffle fries to anyone suspected of being queer. They're legally allowed to run their business (as a private business, everything does have variables) with some things that are morally objectionable that they feel morally aligns with their religious beliefs. They're not allowed to deny queer workers a job or queer customers service, however, in accordance with overarching laws.

While "being gross" online in fiction is not like, making anyone a protected status person lol this is just an extreme example to drive home the point. Legally, when it comes to items/products be they digital or physical, your rights and responsibilities as the seller don't include your moral policing.

What your right is, is to make people uncomfortable to a degree, yeah. You absolutely can do that. You can state some nasty shit about prospective buyers you don't want. For example, they should (I mean, they should just grow up and get some real concerns, but) be stating that they would not like to see their psd's used by people on this following DNI list of idiocy, and they will block those users if possible to prevent interaction and purchase. That's really it, that's what they can do and the least immature way to proceed.

On the second: none of this logic would make me feel comfortable about interacting with them and their psd's in the future once they had outed themselves as morally objectionable and dangerous to me with this nonsense. And I would still feel anxious about using things I had previously bought because once harassed...it doesn't really go away, does it? It would just give me some ease about the latter with things I'd already made. Like, I could keep using the icons I'd made with those psd's with a little bit more comfort knowing that they honestly have not a leg to stand on outside of their harassment.

I might have the tendency to respond to harassment without much upset, but that doesn't mean I want to be harassed. Especially when I am not doing anything that draws that kind of attention. Not that harassment is warranted over anything, but when I make a PSA or answer an ask that I know is likely to get their attention and piss them off? That's an acceptable risk I am knowingly taking. When I'm just going about my life as a RPer, it isn't.

So, I don't feel like you're overthinking it or being too concerned! In no way did you sign up for getting unwanted attention, and because it has happened before, of course, you're trying to insulate yourself from having it happen again. That's totally reasonable!

Now, what you could do about it...

It's another of those situations in which we're only truly capable of controlling ourselves. Everyone else is kind of a NPC.

You don't have to do anything I'm suggesting, but these are things I would do!

I would block the shit out of anyone saying these things/trying to make them stipulations, yes.

By that, I mean that I would also visit blogs they appear to interact with and they'd be blocked as well. We can all reblog something like resources or a shit post from a user we do not agree with without realizing it, but when it's frequent reblogs, direct support, and friendly vibes going on, it's safer to assume that they are aware their friend sucks. More importantly, that they do not think their friend sucks and support their views.

Even if that is not the case, do you want someone else's repeated inattention to expose you to bad actors? Nope! So, don't run the risk of paying and otherwise interacting with the one resource blog in the group that doesn't express these views/"requirements," but does involve themselves with those who do.

Try to find people selling these resources, that are not connected to the problem ones, who do not have those views. Once a trend starts, it is very hard to stop until it has run its course naturally, so, this might be difficult and take some extreme effort. You might want to consider asking like-minded friends who use psd's where they got them so you can check those users out for yourself.

If they're all the same, problem, people...

Look for users well outside of your corner of the RPC(s) who are not asking to be paid. I know it sounds wild, but there really are RPers out there who just enjoy making things for others! I can think of at least one right off on my dash. They might not be advertising for doing psd's or psd packs, but either they might be willing to do so (especially if they do not appear policing-positive) if you explain what is going on, or they could at least fill some requests for you for fully made icons and such. Hell, people who love doing this work usually know others who do as well, and anti-policing people quite reasonably stick together. They could have suggestions for someone not vile selling psd's.

Depending on what it is you want your psd's to do, I promise you that it wouldn't take you very long to learn it. I know...I know lol that's both really easy for me say when I've been doing it for over twenty years and am about to piss some people off. The latter because the most common settings on popular psd's are extremely simple shit, a lot of that is the kind of thing you're expressly told not to do in design work. Like ramping up extreme contrast, pixelating the fuck out of an image, and turning up the primary colors only. Once you get to playing with photoshop or an equivalent, you will totally see what I mean. You can accidentally make an icon look identical to something that is on trend in the RPC. If that was what you were going for? You've hit the mark, and it's just repetition and tweaking it here and there!

Once you start playing with it, too, it's actually pretty intuitive when it comes to the basic things like resizing, adjusting colors and contrast, and doing easy effects like blurs and sharpening. Frankly, playing with it is better than half the tutorials you'll find because they get unnecessarily complicated when all you want to do is crop your muse's face, overlay some color, and add a damn dotted border. Listen, like I said, I have a lot of experience...and I find many tutorials frustrating and overwhelming!

It is not just you, you're not dumb or anything. People get very comfortable with something and when they try to explain it to others, they use terms and methods that are more advanced or specific to them than they realize. That's all!

If you have friends who make their own things, ask them some very basic questions about what you want to do. They know you, so, they'll know better how to explain to you, specifically. Just keep it simple until you've had some time to experiment! Ask things like, "I want to take this image, resize it to be an icon, and add an orange tint to the image while sharpening only my muse's features...how would I do that? Easy mode?"

And! You don't even have to pay for photoshop or pirate it anymore! Photopea is as an exact copy as possible entirely located in your browser for free. It's all overwhelming at first, a real case of too many options and ways to do the same thing, but the only way it gets less overwhelming is just diving into it. Dive in, get a little frustrated, have some successes, make some awesome discoveries, it gets a bit addicting in short order. Then, the tutorials and tips are so much easier to figure out and expand on, too.

If you'd like, you can always send me a pm here and ask me. I'm happy to try to explain how to do things, zero judgment or impatience. Just an additional option if you both decide to try learning and would feel comfortable doing that. Zero judgment as well on not wanting to do either of those things!

Okay, this one is much harder than learning PS basics because it's honestly a bit terrifying...the way these people are, they're going to take issue with you no matter what you do, and in the end, if they notice you and feel like bothering you, they will. There's literally nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try to buffer yourself, stay away from them, and be aware that you are not the problem.

Like with the AO3 thing or writing what could be viewed as toxic relationships. You can never write or be interested in a single, solitary thing that they're on about (and accusing you of doing in real life when the burning Eye of Moron turns your direction), but to them, you supporting the right of other people to do so is just as bad as doing it yourself. To them, the toxic relationships not only would be problematic, they'd be problematic enough. Being uncomfortable with their policing and feeling unsafe because of it is, to them, a red flag of how problematic you are. Writing anything they've deemed objectionable (or reading or viewing it, for that matter) anywhere, doesn't have to be on this platform or RP-adjacent, doesn't have to actually utilize any of their materials, is enough.

They're absolutely including you in who shouldn't use their shit. That's part of the "logic" and methodology of policing. Everyone is problematic, so, everyone can be labeled a pedo and harassed without too many people getting up in arms about it. No one is safe, so, everyone better behave. You don't actually have to be engaging with or enjoying things like underage, non/dubcon, rape, abusive relationships, etc.

It's gross, it's bullying, it's actually a problem...and there isn't much you can do.

All that is truly up to you is making an effort to avoid them, though, this is very often unfair and likely to get more unfair as resource blogs of all sorts deal in it more. At least, in this case, you do have some small bit of actionable power - by not ever buying from them. They wouldn't be charging if they did not either need or want the money, not giving it to them is a bigger hit than things like simply unfollowing/blocking, reblogging PSA's, and so on is!

Nope, it isn't like you're denying them some extreme amount of money by yourself, but every three, five, ten dollars is felt pretty hard when you desperately need money and/or are saving for something.

I know, I mean, I personally do know, that it's impossible to "get over" bullying, Anon. I'm in no way telling you to just get over it and move on, find some great well of not caring somewhere! What I'm saying is that there is power in not giving them power. The power to make you anxious, uncomfortable, unsafe, when you have every right to be here doing your thing and are not hurting anyone. And it might seem to be a deeply contrary sort of logic, but realizing and accepting that there are people out there who irrationally dislike you for literally no reason, that you cannot infallibly escape or avoid, despite doing nothing wrong is a bit empowering. Because it puts into perspective the things you can control, and when we know what is in our control, it's easier to just enjoy our time here without constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it drops, we can go put it back in the closet where it belongs.

It starts to put a positive spin on the whole, damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling, if that makes sense? I'm probably way too tired to try to be explaining this lol I'm sorry!

Anyway, again, I'm not implying you can or should do any, let alone all, of those suggestions! I just really hope that something will help you feel even a little bit more at ease. It's an unfair situation, it isn't right, and you have every reason to be uncomfortable and stressed. If I could make it happen, you better believe that every policing asshole out there would be writing heartfelt apology letters and sending donations to everyone they've upset lol but...since I can't make that happen, all I can do is say what I, personally, do, would do, or have done.

#answered #anonymous #purity police #resources #rp advice

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bunnyriviere · 4 years ago

Text

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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sollitudde · 4 years ago

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haikyuu & cafes (1/?)

bigass creds to @luvoikawa with this post that inspired me to write too much nonsense about nonsense

all my writing got deleted edition 🐸 also jesus christ sorry this is super long i just really like cafes and drinkys and coffys...

karasuno

ukai

for a guy who gets up early every morning coffee is a must. canned coffee is his drink of choice for getting up and it’s one of his morning routines before starting work. he actually dislikes cafes because they have an atmosphere he isn’t too fond of and likes bars (enjoys shit beers = enjoys shit coffee) more- but he could go to a cafe when asked by his friends or if he’s going on a date, just don’t ask him about what type of coffee he’d like specifically because all he wants is it to be hot and black, no milk no sugar. when he was younger he actually disliked coffee, but with age he learned to 1. not be fussy about it 2. just tolerate it to pick him up. it’s not like he dislikes the tastes of it but i don’t see him as picking up oh many tannin inteiciasies cause he’s not developed a pallete, also gets the cheapest no fuss shit. prefers hot over cold even in the summer

for food, he doesn’t enjoy completely western menus. likes meat and doesn’t order any sweets like pastries and whatever the fuck, not only is it too expensive but also he’d just rather have the coffee unless he’s particularly hungry. like i said he isnt a cafe guy but life takes you to a lot of places so ☕️

takeda

actually can taste tanins like some sort of a legend. still though on a teachers salary you’re not going to have an espresso machine at home so he settles for his drip brew. actually doesn’t like espresso too much either if hes working at least. but since he is a teacher and a club supervisor he drinks 2 (two) of those shits a day, one in the morning from home one in the afternoon from the teachers lounge- needs it to deal with the energy at practice. takes just milk in his coffee and prefers it steamed, but has that shitty milk foamer thing that takes so much time to get results out of he just ends up drinking drip w cold milk; the workingmans choice.

with cafes and food he still enjoys drip brew (this time fancier) coffee with milk. could ask to taste test the plain bean coffee if he enjoyed his first cup so much. LOVES a pastry with his drink, if he goes there to do work will get a coffee and a pastry of any kind, i think he likes cream so expect him to get a cream puff esp if on a date cause then he gets to share it and be cute 🥴 loves a cafe hangout with friends or an s/o

kiyoko

pre time skip she did not need coffee at all. like her face at first says either only black coffee or shes so well adjusted she needs nothing and i’d say it’s the latter though i could debate. though she was an enjoyer of canned coffee milk later in life before having to consume coffee for life energy in her adulthood. nothing too fancy either though, small coffee machine that only she uses (tanakas a pussy!) for making coffee, pours milk and adds a teaspoon of sugar into it- doesn’t really like flavors cause to her they taste artificial. busy lady! so she can pick up some starbucks or sit down for a brief second and get coffee wherever she is, thinks it energizes her and also is an enjoyer of the novelty of steamed milk. it actually doesn’t buzz her ever even when she first starts drinking it so rather than having to drink more coffee as the tolerance builds up she just has a plateau of coffee give me caffeine boost

for cafes she just gets whatever looks good to her. also not the biggest fan of sweets rather than a good bread, enjoyer of plain croissants and good bread if she gets a sandwitch. who doesn’t love carbs

yachi

the sweet sugary drink enjoyer has arrived. didn’t even touch coffee until her 3rd year at college, tried a sip of black coffee from her friend in junior high and became instantly afraid of it- managed to skirt by college with a good schedule until the junior terror seeped into her veins and now her early classes she has to drink coffee for. but like she still gets good grades so it’s only the morning she’s required to partake in bean water for- doesn’t even do anything on weekends if she doesn’t have anywhere to be. at home she has 2 syrups 5 milks and overloads her drink so much she’s barely drinking any coffee at all, still the sugar and the hot stuff in the morning has an effect (placebo lol)

loves a starbucks for its accessibility, but gets refreshers and iced drinks more often than any of their caffeine. not only does she think it’s not worth it if she can make coffee at home, but she has a tiny cafe she goes to to cram that serves a mean lavender rose vanilla latte (fucking ew?) that shes in love with. but it costs a lot and she’s a rare visitor, gets sweets and small sandwitches if she goes. w friends she doesn’t know that well she’ll get a flavored coffee to seem mature&cute, but with old friends she’d rather drink a milk tea or a seasonal drink rather than bother w a latte (since she uses it to get energy if it’s 5pm and her day is nearly done whyd she need it then?) no 7-11 coffee or vending machine coffee (junior high trauma) rather sweets and candy if she’s buying from one

daichi

courtesy to @sugardaddykenma, i think daichi oinking his way to the top ended after he had a midlife crisis- so he stops drinking coffee the way he would at the pig pen. sorry ok enough puns but yeah i think he was drinking way too much coffee in both college and at his “job” so coffee now messes with his stomach so much he thinks he might have a heart attack if he drinks more than one cup a week. i don’t know if that directly makes sense but too much coffee can literally kill you and since now he doesn’t fear the revolution here’s another thing for his mind. no coffee, maybe like once if hes at a cafe with his friends but really really prefers plain tea more- especially as he gets older. likes green white and black teas rather than herbal cause caffeine, and doesn’t put sugar in either cause hes #real and genuinely enjoys the flavors more that way

doesn’t go to cafes except for reunions or hanging out with the boys, always more of a “what do they have to eat” rather a “what’s new and exiting to drink” boy. i actually think the only reason he does drink coffee occasionally is because sugawara teases him and also sometimes it’s easier to order something to not be embarassing and to live up to the expectation of a dilf on the prowl rather than well like. dilf drinking tiny mug of jasmine tea. surprisingly an atmosphere enjoyer, people talking all around him is comforting- though if he were to go there frequently he’d grown annoyed

sugawara

king of looking fuckable at a cafe. literally can’t drink coffee black and hates it but still uses it for that energy boost in the morning. has a cheap espresso machine (like 2nd hand and super busted) with a milk frother cause he can’t even drink coffee with just milk it’s so repulsuve to him, he’s gotta fancy it up with syrups & steamed liquids to get anything out of it. but like i said hes king of looking fuckable at a cafe and that’s cause he goes to them all the fucking time. to study to hang for dates like part of it is the ambience is unparalleled but also i mean 1. he likes looking hot 2. he can study 3. man idk hes just a little bitch that wants to look smarter than he actually is. literally in love with the concept of a meet cute so hes in there like “wow... i look so pretty and i’m reading such a big book won’t someone come talk to me”enjoys smiling at other hot patrons and the nines. i think he’d start banter only if you spilled a drink though or something happened hes not that confident to go up to someone full force, and well while he is there sometimes for the hell of it he does actually study there too cause it forces him to do something rather than fuck around on the computer at home. win win system

frequent cafe flyer and frequent cafe snack enjoyer. he’d much rather go for the small snacks like chips and nuts rather than big meal shit cause since his stuff is there he doesn’t wanna get anything on it, and would rather lounge back at home while eating anyways. frequent buys you a sweet on a date type of move, asks if you wanna give him a small bite but doesn’t actually enjoy most sweets that much. ICE LATTE ENJOYER but only when hes on the go or it’s summer, they make a mess when condensation happens.

asahi

hate to tell you folks, but you won’t find this guy in any cafes ever. if he needs to study in a public place he’d rather go to a library and if he can’t go there he’s just seriously gonna sit on the street if it’s the worst of it. can not only not handle cafes if it’s at full capacity, sugawara once shared his cafe strategies with him and now he overthinks whenever he steps foot into one. if he does enter a cafe it’s for a to go order of a cafe au lait (with soy milk, he got in the habit from ordering the wrong thing and never asking them to fix it) because espresso beverages give him anxiety, and add anxiety with a lot of people there it’s just no good and he becomes nervous. he does relax when his friends are there though, and a la p5 enjoys a quiet cafe at night the best. he like herbal teas without sugar (maybe some honey) and aromatic tea blends, but not refresher like beverages at starbucks

since he doesn’t sit down and eat at cafes hes not getting anything substantial, but has a pertulance for sweet stuff! nothing too big but if he gets something sweet with his coffee (and he does get coffee out a lot actually i feel i should clarify. it’s the devil wears prada influence and if you’re a fashion designer chance is you need to go somewhere fast so he needs the energy to power walk and actually ends up picking up coffee for his crew sometimes)

nishinoya

oh christ dude if he got coffee while in high school he’d go fucking insane. way too much current energy + caffeine is such a bad combination- but i think he’d never step into a cafe until his world traveling days. in which case i mean like first of all if you are traveling you’re going to have to keep a tight schedule unless you’re like rich as fuck and can afford to leisure around, and i think he does have some savings but at the same time if he’s himself he’s very likely running around- in summary, cafe visits very dépendant on the culture. cafe dates and cafe stops to get a pick up i think would be the most common stuff here, and coffee would be only used as a wake up i need more energy tool

with food i mean going to a great underground cafe is a right of passage if you’re traveling so i’m sure hes tried all sorts of shit and also hes a big eater, so i can see him getting whatever looks the craziest. big coffee ice cream enjoyer but like i said that’s just to wake up & i think there’s better places to get better juice (& international soda) than a hole in the wall coffee place. did someone say italian sodas or do i have to get my hearing checked

tanaka

man this guys a pussy. thinks starbucks is the fancy coffee place even though it’s a chain and can’t enjoy a non sweetened coffee- even sweetened coffees are a bust. honestly also is too concerned about caffeine being able to “hinder” him, it’s not going to kill you or make you crazy but probably saw someone go balls off the walls with it and is too pussy to try it himself because he thinks he’s so energetic already it’ll make him turn super saiyan. very big enjoyer of a juice, a smoothie, or a refresher again if we’re going from starbucks’ menu. actually yeah it the place offers smoothies he definitely gets that 100% no questions asked, cause it’s the one sweet he can permit himself because he actually thinks it’s healthy when the only reason it “is” is because it’s fruit. does not enjoy the vibes whatsoever and is kinda spooked by everyone drinking coffee in coffee drinking establishments. his wife is more of a man than him in that regard but he can take it

cafe foods aplenty though! likes to walk in and run to get smth and leave, cause it’s less effort than making something and more effort than going to a convenience store. actually has this thing where he picks wifey dearest up snacks he thinks she’ll like. before that he used to scoff at them but now seeing as shes a frequent patron and he is married to her he’s all like look at this treat i bought for you at (blank). it’s kinda sweet! plus he prolly gets a takeout drink for himself too so win win

ennoshita

physical therapy is a lot of work! sorry for the lack of substance for this guy but like a normal adult i think he is normal with his coffee consumption. aka- drinks it to get up, and when hes tired. i think he has a particular interest in trying new things though and will get whatever is interesting to him or something that is weird on the menu like a pumpkin chocolate latte or some shit like that that is unusual but still tasty. adventurous and also you can’t tell at all that hes had coffee, acts completely the same and people even tell him he should drink some coffee cause of the low energy. hes had two cups already and that’s enough!

kinoshita

i think this guy just doesn’t like coffee for whatever reason. he seems like the type of dude to just not drink it and instead go for something energizing in the form of tea or an energy drink but not bean juice, just a vibe! enjoys a cafe every once in a while but goes rarely, i mean hes just chilling! there is a place that hes gone to that he is now an irregular regular of that has a tea infusion of different berries and ingredients that’s meant to clear up your sinuses and calm you. they don’t sell it in packets and hes disappointed about that but the very reason it exists at all is because it’s made out of fresh chopped shit and spices, also it’s a gimmick. they serve them in tea pitchers and he stays there and reads until he finishes. it’s the little things!

kazuhito

writing got erased again but like literally just think of a guy. a guy that works at a company who has to go to work everyday so yeah he drinks coffee and the chances of it being instant are very high. actually doesn’t know that starbucks is a chain and just has the regular drip coffee machine at home, probably takes it with milk and sugar and whatever is there at the time. relaxed guy and relaxed preferences

kageyama

dude doesn’t even know what coffee is to be completely honest. well no that’s a lie he definitely tried some but it made him jittery and he can’t be jittery or else he’s not doing perfect tosses, so no can do. like i know the milk joke is old but i don’t think the habit stops at high school i genuinely think unless one of his teammates or someone with him is like no getting milk or they don’t just serve raw milk because who the fuck would he maybe gets a milk tea at most. honestly not a fan of sugary drinks such as juice or refreshers and whatnot nor iced drinks because well hes just a weirdo. if you take him to a sbucks or somewhere else either order him a london fog or water or a cup of milk if you want your cashier to have something funny to tell. he likes matcha lattes but since they’re high caf he only gets them on off days and like when does he have those? never. genuine weirdo

okay for food it’s anything goes but i think thr funnier thing to talk about would be the amount of time it takes him to read a menu. literally can’t decide on anything especially if a place is out of stock well hes gonna be out of comission for a few minutes as he reconsiders. asks what this has and what’s in this if it’s not listed so it’s really best to just pick smth for him, plain simple and he won’t have any complaints and just sit down w you.

hinata

actually got fond of espresso in brazil but still prefers juices and shit to actual caffeinated beverages. they don’t make them like they used to there 😔 but he does get lattes. LOVES coconut milk and nut milks cause they have an “oomph” (what?) but honestly anything goes kind of guy in where he can get coffee out of a machine at a convenience store starbucks a cafe anything anywhere no problem. thing is though he can only consume it in a short amount of time aka just the morning or else he’s unable to sleep at night, a thing that is most definitely a placebo but like he believes on it so insistently that he just doesn’t mess with it. is a fan of anything new and anything that catches his interest in coffee places, likes to pick stuff up rather than sit down cause he’s a fan of walking and talking and drinking

pastry guy :) or just anything breaded. again likes to pick whatever catches his interest cause he became more adventurous with food for sure, enjoys a sandwitch or some shit i mean you get the point i think. he’s just a funny little guy

tsukishima

honestly? cant fucking drink black coffee. i think it’d be so funny and well also fitting that if he does drink anything he does drink super sugary sweet stuff, like i mean we know he enjoys sweets anyways so why not push it further and say this motherfucker can’t handle tanins at all? and like by all i mean he has to have tea with milk and sugar no matter what it is (well not herbal tea 🍵 that’s an emoji of a green tea but herbal tea never should be enjoyed with milk) his go to is a hot matcha latte and a cold iced vanilla latte. cause both are sweet and make him look a little less pussy when ordering them. straight up will chug purely black coffee out of spite and suppress gags to seem cool, it’s okay tbough hes so far only worried about this happening in front of friends and it hasn’t yet. he has practiced at home though and he can so far not gag but still squint, which he’s thinking if he has to explain will explain by “well uh it tastes like shit so”

i don’t think he needs coffee to get up but instead does need something sweet. since cake doesn’t last a while i’d see him trying to buy some for himself discreetly like i know this dude isn’t a pussy but also imagine being so hard and then being made fun of for eating a cake alone by yourself in a cafe. doesn’t order sweets therefore unless hes in a private room or with a trusted friend. yamaguchi won’t tell on you bro in fact he’ll order the cake and let you have it. doesn’t like any savory thing on the menu for some reason, no matter the place he goes

yamaguchi

actually enjoys tanins but chugs cheap shitty coffee for energy no matter the time of day. he just got used to the lack of taste and definitely grabbed a caffeine addiction to add to his problems to worry about but it’s okay cause hey while he’d never say it he thinks it’s better to be able to taste them and enjoy a normal cup of good beans than to be like his unnamed friend. enjoyer of the whole menu, entirely dependent on the mood. focusing, straight espresso shots, reading, matcha or peppermint tea, vibing, lemonade or lemonade mixture idk you name it. very into cafe energy and feels good whenever he enters one, but doesn’t do it out of neccesity cause once he did actually have someone slightly hit on him at a cafe and he stopped going to it because he interacted with them very awkwardly. is sure the baristas heard and just can’t do it anymore. has pulled all nighters and 24-hr study sessions in internet cafes chugging coffees like a motherfucker. hasn’t yet poured a redbull into coffee yet but i mean it could be coming we never know (nah hes afraid of it)

not a fan of ordering stuff in cafes at all cause hes not there to eat. can be persuaded for a bite if friends are there but if not then hes avoidant of foods. you can’t blame him! it’s kind of awkward to order food at a coffee place anyways so he just steers clear

#obituaries☠️(headcanons)#haikyuu hcs #haikyuu headcanons #karasuno hcs #karasuno headcanons #genuinely do not want to tag tbis more at all. i am tired

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red-elric · 6 years ago

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so ive read fruits basket like twenty times, and over the last couple of years i noticed that, each time, i was drawn more and more to the characters of kimi and momiji, and identified with them in a way that was really confusing to me because i didnt really think i *actually* had a very similar personality to either of them? (discord friends may disagree but, well, this whole post is going to be about people and characters who change up their personality to be more likable.) i got all introspective about it and finally came to a conclusion about their characters that i subconsciously knew already: the key similarity between the two of them and myself is the way we very carefully layer subtle personality masks for ourselves to protect ourselves and to seem more approachable and likable without actually being vulnerable to other people. (other characters in furuba do this a lot too--key examples that come to mind are tohru, kagura, and yuki--but i care more about momiji and kimi so this is about them.)

to clarify a bit what i mean by this, ill start with a personal example. ive always been pretty good at remembering people’s names, especially if i think theyre cool and want to become friends with them, but i noticed around middle school or high school that people subconsciously find it intimidating/stalkerish if you know their name and they cant remember yours, especially if youve only met once. on the other hand, if they *do* remember your name, and you admit to not remembering theirs, they feel empowered and sympathetic to your situation; and if neither of you remember the other’s name, you have a moment of solidarity that can lead to a more relaxed relationship. so, i started pretending to have a manageable amount of trouble remembering the names of people i wanted to be friends with. the first two or three times that i meet someone, at some point i will use “clarifying their name” as a conversation starter, ie: “you’re....[], right?” or “is it []?” this is a small effect of a pattern of behavior i tend to follow: feigning incompetence to gain trust and camaraderie. is it manipulative? absolutely, but harmlessly so. its directly derived from my own social anxieties, but its a relatively healthy way to feel more connected with my peers and to stop feeling ostracized by people who resent me for being “smarter” than them--something i struggled with a lot in my youth. momiji and kimi dont put up the *same* masks as myself, but they are both rather adept at maintaining their own masks, and are both incredibly socially perceptive in the same way that i am: they analyze people’s reactions to their behavior and sculpt themselves to get the reaction they want.

lets take a look at what this means for kimi. surface level, kimi seems pretty cookie cutter--sure, shes a little chaotic, but she fits quite nicely into the femme fatale/dumb blonde trope (even though shes not blonde). but did you know that shes actually at the top of her class? its subtle, but to me its always been obvious that shes actually incredibly intelligent and constantly manipulating people to suit her needs. there are easy examples of this, of course: flirting with a teacher to get a new whiteboard, anyone? but there’s one scene that’s always spoken volumes to me about her character, and that’s the one-off joke where kakeru starts to say some “secret” about her, clearly joking, and she immediately shuts him down by cutting him off with “don’t say unnecessary things!” and elbowing him in the side, all while still smiling cheerfully. the subtlety of this is that, with her reaction, she’s actually imitating their audience: yuki. it’s yuki she doesn’t want to know about whatever kakeru knows, so she shuts down kakeru in a way we’ve seen yuki yell at kakeru whenever kakeru makes idiotic jokes. the physical attack, the angry smile, accusing kakeru of saying something annoying, but that doesnt really matter; none of these are particularly characteristic to kimi, she causes as much chaos as kakeru on a good day, but they’re incredibly recognizable to yuki. her reaction is familiar to yuki, and it invokes an assumption that kakeru is making a lame joke, not trying to reveal one of her deepest, darkest secrets, and it works because yuki would react completely differently if kakeru tried to tell someone about *his* secrets. yuki doesnt pursue the subject further, kakeru bounces back easily and doesnt give it a second thought, and kimi is safe. so, we can tentatively say that kimi has a habit of reflecting other’s expectations to hide her true self.

now, is this one scene enough on its own to prove this idea? of course not. however, when we view her actions as a whole we start to see a pattern. we see several instances where kakeru will say something stupid and kimi will listen, encourage it, or say something just as stupid back; it’s only when he tries to reveal something about *her* that she shuts him down. we see subtle signs of genuine anger when he tries to reveal her secret: the overly violent jab, the tensed vein/angry eyebrows, etc--not very characteristic for happy-go-lucky, flirtatious kimi. and, of course, we have several examples of how she manipulates a) men into buying things for her, granting her favors, leaving their girlfriends for her, etc; and b) women into feeling inferior to her, feeling aggravated with her, and thinking she’s incredibly troublesome but knowing that they can’t argue with the men about it. overall, its not a far stretch at all to think she’s manipulating everyone around her to avoid revealing information about her true self: a proud, intelligent woman who enjoys causing chaos, but is also very manipulative and controlling to the people around her and hates being vulnerable.

momiji is in some ways similar, and in other ways very very different. most people--especially characters in the story with him--tend to put momiji in this “sweet, innocent child” box. it’s not just his height--his fashion, mannerisms, outlook on life, etc are all very reminiscent of someone much younger than he is, and people tend to *treat* him like he’s much younger than he is. even if they know intellectually that yes, momiji is significantly older than he appears, it’s very easy for the older sohmas to treat him as a troublesome but still loved younger sibling--someone to be taken care of, not taken too seriously, someone lovable. i’ve seen several people point out that part of *why* momiji does this is because he subconsciously feels that hes not allowed to act like an older sibling (to momo), so he acts as a younger sibling in an effort to get a similar sort of familial bond without overstepping the boundaries that his family instilled in his mind, and i agree. i believe momiji has a habit of feigning youth to more easily bond with the people he loves. his childish actions and behavior make him easier to deal with, and also give him a little more leeway to do things that would normally frowned upon if he appeared older, ex: sleeping in a bed with tohru, wearing a girl’s uniform top to school, taking any chance he can get to be physically affectionate with people, indulging in sweets and candy, etc.

two things draw momiji’s true personality out of its shell: his growth spurt, forcing people to acknowledge his actual age, and the breaking of his curse. late game momiji, to me, has always seemed bitter, tired, and sarcastic, as opposed to the sweet, energetic, and sincere front he’d put on for most of the series, which is very interesting to me. of course, you’d normally *expect* someone who’s gone through as much as momiji to *be* bitter, tired, sarcastic, etc; however, when he puts his child-like mask on, it’s easy to pretend that he’s this loving, saintly child who bears no ill will towards anyone, who can be knocked to hell and back and still stand back up to smile again. and i do think it’s true that momiji has an incredible capacity for forgiveness and love, but there’s also no denying that he has a limit, and we can see that during his first conversation with akito after his curse breaks. this, i think, is the most raw, true representation of momiji in the whole story; momiji has lost his link with the family he made for himself in the zodiac, he’s been physically forced to grow out of his persona, he’s finally seeing that his primary abuser is really not so powerful after all, and he’s forced to finally confront the fact that, while his curse, the thing that caused most of the troubles in his life, is broken, the impacts it already had on his life won’t magically go away. momiji in this scene seems completely disconnected from akito, who is still caught up in the curse, still desperately trying to hold everything together; in his lowest moment, we can finally see momiji, not as an all-forgiving saint, but as someone who just wants to start over. he’s not happy that his curse ended; id even go as far to say that momiji, out of every zodiac, is the one who most wishes it was still around, for the bond that it gave him with the other zodiacs and as something he could pin the blame on for his family struggles. which is why it is so sad to me that his was among the first to break.

now, yall probably know by now that i am a momimi bitch, so lets talk about them together. most of the people i see shipping them--and i fully admit, this is how i started shipping them--simply just say “same energy,” make a few cute headcanons about how they’d use each other for clout, and call it a day. this is perfectly fine. however, here at Overthinking It Inc., we take it a few steps deeper. personally, i have a hard time getting invested in a ship unless i can see how the characters compliment each other, how they help each other grow, and how they could genuinely enjoy each other’s company enough to pursue a romantic relationship. it took a little bit of obsessive extrapolating, but ive finally figured out just *how well* momiji and kimi compliment each other.

momiji, at the end of furuba, is going through a metamorphosis. he’s been forced out of his childish persona and into the life of an adult rather quickly, and he takes the opportunity to try to become more true to himself. we can see, in the last few chapters, the beginnings of bounds of growth; however, i imagine that there is a significant “awkward” period in his growth. judging from what i know about his character, i believe he would, in his effort to be more honest and confident, overcompensate a bit; he would become overbearing, intense, perhaps even oversharing. he might have a tendency to try to figure out what’s “wrong” with his friends and family, might always be trying to “fix” everything. i could easily see him, in fact, develop a bit of a selfish attitude (albeit rooted in kindness--it is, after all, still momiji); in his journey to stop letting people walk all over them, i believe he might become prone to walking over people himself. he’d have no idea where the lines are, where someone’s limits are, because he never had the chance to test them out in his youth, and because the people in power in his life (his parents and akito) never respected anyone else’s limits. enter kimi: tough, walled off, and incredibly secretive, though she tries to hide it. momiji, with his social perceptiveness, would notice at some point how difficult it is for her to form genuine, emotional connections with others, and would feel the urge to help her, to draw her out of her shell, not realizing that she doesnt necessarily want to be understood, nor that she’s (now entering headcanon territory, be warned) *scared* of those kinds of relationships. she’d take it, for a while, but there would come a time when she’d snap. this would do wonders for helping momiji figure out where the boundaries are, and how to be more aware of other people’s wants and needs (and it is something that tohru, reserved little wallflower that she is, would never be able to do for him).

kimi, on the other hand, has not quite started developing her character at the end of the manga. i like to apply all sorts of believable anxieties onto her: maybe she regrets not having an easy connection with other girls, like she does with boys. maybe she refuses to believe in the familial structure (that momiji idolizes). maybe she’s so used to playing the part of the homewrecker that, when she finally realizes that she’s found something or someone she truly loves, she doesn’t know how to handle it, and always worries that somebody’s going to take it away for her. maybe she views connections with others, or vulnerability, as a weakness, something that could be used against her, and tries to do everything she can to wall people off and hide her true feelings. well, good news for her, momiji is the resident king of loving family structures. family is something he truly loves and understands, from how much he’s admired it from afar, and been grateful for the family he’s made for himself in hatori, tohru, and the other zodiac. he’s well primed to help her understand what a true family is like, that real love is a good thing, not a scary thing, and that it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes. this big, sweethearted doofus who somehow managed to see how much she was struggling under the many layers of masks that she hides beneath? there’s no way kimi wouldnt fall for him. and she, this girl who challenges everything he believes in, teaches him valuable lessons about how far is too far, and is basically the most fun person he’s ever met? there’s no way momiji wouldn’t fall for her.

i believe the two of them would start things off as almost a play; theyd portray a satire of the ideal male and female celebrity couple rather easily; theyd lean into the standard boy and girl roles almost ridiculously so, drawing attention to the absurdity of the standard relationship and somehow flirting through it. kimi, as we know, likes to pretend to be this helpless, flirtatious, “i couldnt possibly do anything on my own, oh whatever shall i do O3O” caricature of the feminine “ideal” to draw men in; momiji, i feel, would respond to that with a dorky, happy-go-lucky, “i can help you with that, miss ; )” caricature of the masculine, “ideal” gentleman, just for fun. theyd put on a show, for each other, for their peers, and for themselves, but they would eventually run into some troubles (detailed above). things would be tense, but theyd keep up their personas--why would they *ever* admit to their flaws to the outside world, theyre perfect? their friends would notice, of course, but wouldnt be able to do much about it; in the end, the only people perceptive enough to read through the bullshit of one is the other. theyd come to an understanding--spoken or unspoken (with the subtleties of their relationship, its not unreasonable that they could change their entire perspective of their relationship with just actions, not direct words or conversation)--and shift back into their previous, flirtatious relationship, except its different this time. because now, they understand each other, they love each other, theyre practically reading the other’s mind, and theyre perfectly in tune. rather than putting on masks to hide from each other, they wear one together to hide from the world--but, they think, that’s probably enough.

#meta #it me #long post #and i do mean loooooong #kimi toudou #momiji sohma #momimi #please dont criticize me too harshly im not trained in writing and i do this for fun #<3 #fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers

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stormyreadingsxx · 5 years ago

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The WHO and the WHAT

Giving understanding your chart a chance:

Planetary Alignments

Taurus, Pisces.... Even knowing your sun is a Cancer and your rising in Aries is all good and well. But planets add a whole other layer over the way you may function in a sign (or a house but that’s for another post I guess). It’s easy to remember traits about zodiac signs (like fiery elements and the differences between cardinal and fixed) but do you know what sign a given planet is in? If it is in strength or at a weakness? These observations can turn a non-believer of astrology into an advocate.

My Venus is in Virgo (also my sun and moon sign and of course in fall or working against it’s placement) meaning for ME, finding someone who has the capacity to understand my love language or not take advantage of my mutable big three has been hard. I notice a trend of retreating inward without knowing it (when my emotional needs aren’t met), and others need to see and hear things to know... And there is the disconnect.

Mercury: ☿ The Messenger ~ The clear ruler of communication (and why the retrograde is so fantastically catastrophic, but more on that later), how we take in, let out, and process information is important. Your sun, moon, & rising should be taken into account separately from this. A sun in Scorpio may mean you’re mysterious, emotional (even if you hide it), and a bit brooding but a Mercury in Leo could mean you explain and express yourself with unexpected flair. Understanding this aspect in your chart can help you be a better listener, talker, or find out what kind of people you want to interact with in the long run.

*I used my Leo Mercury as an example. I go through introverted, critical, and anxious bouts as an overthinking earth sign, but I’ve always had a knack for telling stories and only recently have I discovered this connection. Using humor to cope is comforting to most people, I guess. lol

Venus: ♀︎ The Lover ~ I will admit to using Sailor Senshi to remember my planetary themes, but yes this one is known emphatically as The Lover. In addition to your sun, moon, and Mercury this can give you insight to how you love, your own love language, and how best someone might receive you. My Virgo Venus has doubled down on the earthy acts of service as mine. I’ve always wanted to make sure the people I love and care about are fed (finishing my food if I cannot) and their lives easier (tidying a room, folding laundry etc...). Somewhere along the way, this became easier than words.

That’s nice and all, but my criticalness and Mercury-ruled energy (A sharp Virgo way with words that can be weaponized and unfocused Gemini-ness that at best is spacey) it’s hard for me to get through to people at times. Understanding yours (or someone else’s) Venus is their approach to romance (so how much more emotionally intelligent do you feel understanding how you communicate and how you approach love ?).

Mars: ♂︎ The Warrior ~ If Venus is our feminine ~love~ energy, then Mars is obviously the opposite (at least in symbol). What grinds your gears? Turns thoughts and ideas into action? Mars is about expressing (our anger) and how we get what we desire. What is that cost?

Our drives and our passions.... Mine happens to be in Gemini. I love my ability to go with the flow and appeal to all sorts of people, professions, and hobbies. But this energy (even with my earthiness) is unfocused. Lots of thought and brain action (and typing at 3 am asfcgsd) but harnessing it is not always an easy thing for me. If we can be honest here, it never has.

I can be easily bored (although I will say I’m crushing boredom in quarantine for the most part) and my mercurial ass is actually exhausted and borderline in distress when I’m bored. My mind races and it becomes anxiety. Even hyper-vigilant criticisms of myself. I’ve turned to bottles, pills, and risky behavior to avoid it! Now that I see and understand this cloying longing to feel like I belong everywhere and the way chaos manifests in my space if I’m not well, I begin to understand and fix that.

I must find balance in the doing and the not doing but I can’t let my mind get bored. I’ve always been a fidgety person and talked with my hands (my massaged cat and friends can attest to both). And I often take on many projects and only the strong survive.... I used to not understand my Gemini rising but the more I talk, the more it make sense (since it is ruled by the Mercury communicator and the area of the hands).

Jupiter: ♃ The Sage ~ Now here’s something maybe everyone can get into. Luck. Jupiter has to do with a lot of luck in our charts, how we improve our lives and show generosity throughout it. For me, though my Jupiter comes in the same sign as my sun and moon (New Moon babies unite), its is actually at it’s detriment or not working as strongly as it could be (a trend I’m noticing with my Virgo placements lmfao).

Investigation will show that I’ve always been good at being persuasive and using warm graces to win someone over. That’s why from customer service to [REDACTED] (rhymes with.... h*x w*rk), I make a good front of house. My need to see a tangible result of progress (in video games, typing things like this out, or reorganizing all my things, creating art) can be attributed to this. For a day dreamer, I have a very grounded chart.

Saturn: ♄ The Taskmaster ~ Saturn, Saturn, Saturn.... Known of course by the infamous return, the one denoting when different clusters of generations ‘grow up’ (and I’m pretty sure I’m about due for AND going right through mine but I deleted co__star lmao), some associate with death. The end. Saturn is associated with restriction and limitation. Boundaries. This all sounds negative, but Saturn brings with it structure and meaning. A good relationship and understanding yields great things for life!

“Saturn is often associated with our fathers or father/authority figures. In childhood, the discipline, rules, and regulations imposed on us by our authority figures–from parents, teachers, and the like–were not always pleasant, but they actually helped us to understand the world around us. Similarly, Saturn’s lessons actually help us to grow.”

Ouch.

I will try to let this speak for itself and not project TOO much of my own chart as if you care, but I’ve only recently seen so deeply into what makes up who I am astrologically. I’ve always had a bit of a struggle with boundaries. Initiating them. Holding my space and comfort over others.

I was born during a New Moon and at LEAST one retrograde.

Saturn.

I can condemn myself for that or I can keep going, deeper and see why and how going forward I don’t fall into the same pitfalls (or maybe give myself a little compassion seeing that others have struggled my struggle). It does kind of feel like the whole world is on it’s Saturn return right now, though.

Uranus: ⛢ The Revolutionary ~ My Uranus was also in retrograde during my birth. I do feel conflict at this time of riots, protests, and rampant and unrepentant police brutality. People who look just like me die in the streets, in police custody, somewhere in strange circumstances. Vulnerable to covid and staying to help my parents, my place isn't at protests even if it feels like my heart is. I do my part to speak my mind and perspective, donate and raise awareness. Support my allies on the lines in the ways I can.

I cannot lie and say the present doesn’t scare me. Or being tear-gassed, detained indefinitely, thrown in jail or court, or disappeared. All of it.

“Uranus is quite at home in the eighth house of resurrections. You are naturally open and support change. “Change is good,” is your constant motto. Re-inventing yourself from time to time sounds like a good idea to you. You couldn’t possibly have it otherwise. Life would be boring without change. Your style and pace of bringing about change though may leave others dazed and breathless. The style of change that you prefer can be destructive to those around you. Your good intentions are never at doubt though. It’s just that you are addicted to your ideas and you sometimes overlook human emotions. Your natural impatience with status quo drives you to move fast leaving the staid behind.”

Maybe I jump ahead getting to houses, but I wanted to switch it up. Though Uranus was essentially moving backwards when I was born (and that seems to not bode well), the house (which can speak to a best way to reach the potential of your placements) seems to have kept me from losing all discernment and ability to adapt.

On the topic of revolution among other things, I feel conflicted. Helpless. Futile. I’m finding my way through that, but it is almost awe-inspiring to see a struggle mapped out in the charts while I go through it.

Neptune: ♆ The Dreamer ~ Didn’t I say earlier I’m a bit grounded for a daydreamer? A lot of my daydreams (and borderline escapism lol) are rooted and threaded in reality (especially since covid and damn near martial law have changed everyone’s perceptions of such). I have some far out dreams, but the content in my head could be shockingly close to reality sometimes. I love playing Animal Crossing and other general life simulations and always have.

Your vision of an ideal world may center around respect for rules, order, responsibility, and morality. You need to believe in the realizability of your dreams, and this means that your fantasies usually have a very realistic thread to them. There is a conservative, possibly somewhat cynical element to your nature. Because general optimism/faith does not typically carry or motivate you, energy levels may not be high when you don’t believe in what you’re doing, and inspiration is not easy to find in the first place. However, you can turn a dream into reality more easily than most. Your vision is practical but also doable.

I really am this optimistic-pragmatic-realistic but hardworking ???? person. My Neptune was also in retrogrograde during my birth. It has not hindered my creativity but even that is met with rigid expectations and an expected method for madness. I could stand to be dreamier and I work to inspire a calming, soothing, dreamy atmosphere (essential oils, Virgo 4th house things). But this may be why I always have my brain never too far in the clouds. Not without stimuli.

Pluto: ♇ The Transformer ~ Ah, Pluto is the Ruler of Scorpio. A deep cut in my chart but I have always had a bad habit of falling deep, deep into the well of a watery Scorpio even though I should know better. Renew and Rebirth hits my experience with them on the head. At it’s worst, these planetary placements can promote a hedonistic greediness. ‘Everyone is bad so I must be too’ and a real commitment to harming those before you can get smited (because we’ve all been smited).

I don’t have a lot of water in my chart personally, but this can help account for my intensity in search of connections (and why unlike a lot of my peers I pull away for long periods and go all in again, almost cyclical in a place where everyone’s always booed up).

Pluto in Scorpio may try to remain positive so strongly that they find themselves in denial, finding out when it is too late about all that was happening right under their noses.

Bingo.

Being strong and able to deal comes with a certain detachedness, a wall others cannot or will not try to breach. Understanding this will help me bring some of it down, right?

Are you interested in hunting down your birth time now? Try paring some of these tidbits or do your own planet research and pair it with the rest of your chart. You might start getting answers.

#Astrology #Astrology Chart #Zodiac #Planets #Planetary Zodiac #Natal Chart #Planetary Natal Chart #sensitive #readings

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tinkeringwithcannabis · 6 years ago

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Tinkering with Cannabis: Tincture Review 2

Product: CBD (Cinnamon Flavored)

CBD: 375.91 mg

THC: 35.65 mg

Company: Sira Naturals

Location: Somerville, Ma

Cannabis Connoisseur: Jackie

Website: www.siranaturals.org

Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back for another tincture review! Today I will be reviewing the Sira Naturals Cinnamon flavored CBD Tincture, which I picked up from my friend Jackie over at Sira Naturals in Somerville, Ma. All of Sira’s tinctures are created using their “premium THC/CBD oils produced through an organic cane ethanol extraction method and MCT oil (Medium Chain Triglycerides). Despite this being a CBD tincture, there is THC in this product, though just a small amount compared to the CBD measurements. The recommended dosage is one drop, which is what I will be using to help with anxiety relief, to improve my focus, decrease my stress, and improve my mood. Before we get started, I want to note one thing I personally LOVE about Sira’s tinctures. Their tinctures are made using coconut oil, which really provides a smooth and pleasant flavor and consistency to their tincture. This single ingredient has had a major impact on how I view tinctures, moving them into a much more positive light.

Now to get started with our testing. Opening the bottle at 10:50 a.m., the scent is very strong of cinnamon. This is great because it really masks the scent of the cannabis, not 100%, but enough that you won’t get an overpowering scent of weed as you do with the unflavored tinctures. The flavor is very strong of cinnamon too. When you take a drop, you are not going to feel a ton of liquid in your mouth. You should only feel a very slight drop and a light taste of cinnamon. If you feel a decent amount of liquid and/or a super strong flavor of cinnamon, then you may have taken a bit too much. With this tincture, the THC measurements are pretty low, so you won’t have too much of a psychoactive response, however, with stronger tinctures, this could pose an issue, so be sure to go very lightly when hitting the dropper. Within five minutes I can feel my body start to relax and the anxiety begins to fade away. I can feel the muscles in my neck and back easing, and my racing thoughts seem to be slowing down. About half an hour later, at 11:20 a.m., my mood has greatly lifted to a place of happiness, contentment, and peacefulness. My anxiety has completely faded, and my focus has improved significantly. An hour later, at 11:50 a.m., I my body is so relaxed, yet my mind is sharp. I do not feel the normal mental lag that I tend to have daily, and I do not feel like I am exhausted. My mood is happy, and I am calm, finding myself in a place where I am very much at peace. The level of focus is fantastic. I am finding myself on top of my game, easily able to zero in on the things I need to get done, while also multi-tasking on other projects that come my way. My interactions with others are pleasant and anxiety-free, where in most cases, I am plagued with anxiety and overthinking every statement. I do not feel hindered in any way, and I do not feel as though I am experiencing any psychoactive effects, even though I know that the THC is causing a slight psychoactive experience which is contributing to the intensity of the stress and anxiety relief and mood uplift.

Two hours later, at 12:50 p.m., the relaxation and mood uplift have remained stable at the same level as the previous check-in. My anxiety has remained at bay and my focus is still fantastic. I am not finding that there are any psychoactive effects kicking in at this point, just the continued mellow feeling with a wonderful mental sharpness that is allowing me to remain relaxed while remaining at the top of my game. I still do not feel any sort of fatigue, and I have yet to experience any negatives. Sometimes the CBD can make me feel overly euphoric, but this is not the case here. As I continued to track the effects, I found that they lasted straight through with no change until 2:50 p.m., at which time they did start to mellow out a bit, meaning I could feel the bodily relaxation wear off a little and my focus decreased a slight bit. Despite this, my mood remained happy, I still felt calm, and my anxiety did not return. As the effects continued to diminish over the next hour, finally completely wearing off at 3:45 p.m., I continued to find myself in a happy and relaxed state. My body was not as relaxed, and my mind was slightly racy, but no where near as intense as it had been. My focus has dwindled a bit, but I am finding I can keep my head in the game, and it has not slowed down my ability to multitask, nor has it changed my ability to enjoy social interaction. At this point though, I would consider remedicating just to bring myself back to the point of feeling extremely physically relaxed in addition to the mental clarity and focus. I also feel that this would help to slow down the racing thoughts before they become too extreme and set off the anxiety.

Overall, I found this tincture to be an amazing product. I only required on small drop in order to reap the benefits of the tincture, and its effects lasted for several hours. Even at the end of the effects, I could have chosen not to remedicate and I would have been fine, but to continue with the relaxation and calmness, I decided to go ahead and take another drop of tincture. One of the things I love most about this product is its ability to make me feel like I am on top of the world, and that no matter what happens I can handle it. I feel like I can think clearly without having my anxious mindset clouding my judgement, and I also found that it made it much easier for me to interact with others without overthinking everything I say and do. I sort of had a “fuck it” type of demeanor when it came to worrying about whether anyone thought I was weird, which usually is the main thing that I worry about when talking to others and is usually the one thing that makes me struggle the most socially. I would highly recommend this product for anyone who is looking to battle depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue, and lack of focus. I also think that this could be a great option for those with muscle pain, as the bodily relaxation is strong enough that you can feel the tension leaving your muscles. I could see myself using this every day, and I believe it would greatly enhance my life and my ability to interact with others while feeling more confident. Given how well this worked for my needs, I have to give this product 5 stars! Great job Sira, another amazing product for the books! Keep up the great work!

If you are a patient or adult above the age of 21 in Massachusetts, check out the following link for where you can purchase this product:

https://www.siranaturals.org/where-to-buy-cannabis-massachusetts

Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me, and stay tuned for more product reviews!!

Disclaimer

*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product, and that’s okay. I always recommend starting out with one to two hits to see if that is enough, and you can always increase your dose from there.*****

Also, if you find this post helpful, please help me get the word out to other patients by liking and re-blogging this post! Thanks!

#mary jane #cannabiscures #cannachef #cannabis patient #cannabisculture #cannabis dispensary #medical cannabis #cannabis tincture #cannabislife #cannabis #marijuana tincture #marijuana content #veterans marijuana #medical marijuana strains #medical marijuana patients #marijuana strains

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islareeveswriting · 6 years ago

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World of Our Own| Harry Styles Uni Au | Chapter 9

PREVIOUS | NEXT

STORY PAGE HERE

LISTEN TO Keeping Your Head Up Birdy Everyone keeps a darker place To lose control, you're not alone And when you come looking for embrace I know your soul; I'll be your home Til you can breathe on your own

Harry couldn’t remember the outgoing little boy his mum described when they were looking at old family photos. Harry couldn’t remember ever being anyone but the boy who shut himself away because of nerves and anxiety, in fear of what could potentially go wrong. He knew he did it, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier to stop it. Harry often felt like he had a steam train coming straight for him, but he was powerless to slow it down let alone cease it’s journey.

If Harry stopped to think about it, he knew there were plenty of negative outcomes that could result from the photoshoot with Rae. At best he might embarrass himself or the photos might not work. At worst she could decide to mention the kiss that both of them seemed to have silently agreed to leave in New York.

Three weeks had passed since their trip and they’d continued their friendship as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t that Harry hadn’t wanted to talk about it, he had. At the time he just kept talking himself down from it, telling himself, if Rae wanted to, she’d bring it up. Of course he didn’t know she was telling herself the same thing, not wanting to make him feel awkward or freak him out. But now they’d let three weeks pass, and aside from their own personal reasons for not bringing it up, it felt like too long had passed to do so.

Despite it all, somehow, despite even himself, that morning he’d managed to push it all to the back of his mind. Front and centre was having a great day with Rae, watching her doing what she loved, and revelling in the feeling of being chosen by her to be photographed for her project. It felt great. It was the second best feeling he knew.

Harry was typically early as he took his long legged, even strides towards the studio building Rae had told him about. He couldn’t help himself. Even when Rae had told him to meet her there, she had things to set up. Even when she assured him that she’d be fine on her own, he found himself eager to make sure he was there before he was needed. It was like the airport all over again, despite everything else, he found he wanted to put himself out there more for her than anyone else he knew.

With two coffees in his hand, he was glad the door had been left open. Inside the studio was a complete parallel to how it appeared outside. Outside it was cloaked in old red brick, slightly crumbling at the edges, flaking black paint on the doors and no windows. Indoors however, was bright white, somehow clinical. Large, heavy lights hung from the ceiling casting an almost neon-esque glow. Rae had her studio lights encircled near the centre of the room, a tripod already set up with her Canon camera, wired up to her laptop set up on a table beside the camera. Harry was a little taken back by how professional it all looked.

Rae stood from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with leads at the sound of Harry’s feet on the polished concrete floor. She smiled up at him as she sunk her hands into the pockets of her baggy black trousers, the loose jumper tucked in at the front. She looked comfy and relaxed, as she always seemed to. It astounded Harry sometimes, that she just seemed to fit no matter the backdrop she found herself in.

‘Hey, I brought you coffee.’ Harry started, handing Rae one of the cardboard cups, full of coffee. Flat white, extra hot, the way Harry knew she liked it ordered.

‘Oh thanks,’ Rae grinned taking the cup from Harry. ‘I brought you - no wait, I didn’t bring you anything, I don’t know why I said that.’ Rae backtracked quickly, creasing her brow at herself and shaking her head. Harry hummed a quiet chuckle of endearment. At the back of his mind though was the message he had, had from her sister the previous night.

‘You ok?’ Harry asked, trying to be blase, even with the message circling around inside his head.

It was on his phone when he’d gone up to bed. It was on his bedside table charging and when he’d crawled in under the duvet, his book on his lap, he’d grabbed it to have a quick scroll before getting stuck into his latest read.

@essieobrien has sent you a private message

Harry frowned at his screen. He and Rae’s sister had been liking photos on each others Instagram feeds since Christmas. Harry had done it first by accident, liking a photo Elsie posted of Rae at the airport. Since then Elsie had gone on to like anything Harry posted and so Harry had returned the favour. He swiped it open, waiting for the message to load, a little impatiently.

Hey sorry to message, hope you’re good? I just know Rae won’t have said anything but basically its Jonah’s anniversary tomorrow and I don’t like the thought of her being on her own, cause that hasn’t happened before haha. Maybe don’t say anything unless she does, I dunno, but thought you should know and maybe you could just keep an eye on her? Xx

Hi, thanks for letting me know. Yeah I’ll definitely make sure she’s ok, don’t worry. Thanks again xx

‘Yeah, are you?’ Rae asked with furrowed, concerned eyes that didn’t match how Harry knew she might be feeling inside, knowing what he knew. Harry wondered if she was ever selfish.

‘I’m fine.’ Harry smiled with a nod before taking a sip from his coffee. ‘What’s the-’

‘Hiya, I’m here, sorry I’m late.’ The, somewhat, shrill, northern voice rang through the hollow building, echoing off the bare walls and cutting Harry’s question short. Harry watched as Rae glanced past his shoulder to where the voice was coming. A shy smile crept onto her face, her eyes flicking back to Harry for barely a second.

‘Hi Lou, how are you?’ Rae moved past Harry, Harry turning to look towards the visitor. It was clear to Harry, she wasn’t a first year student, but she wasn’t much older than them. Her hair was almost silver and her skin golden. She had a grey vest on that could have done with an iron and a pair of baggy, ripped jeans, flip flops on her feet. She looked friendly, a bright beaming smile the only real thing that caught Harry’s eye.

Harry watched on from a distance as Rae and the new girl greeted one another with a hug. Harry hadn’t seen her before, even around and he knew he’d recognise her if he had. Even so, for some reason he didn’t feel particularly nervous, not by his standards anyway. At the pit of his stomach was something that resembled anxiety, but it wasn’t half as pointed as the anxiety Harry knew, and although it rose its head at the arrival of this new person, it quickly settled back down to being simply down to the day ahead when he saw Rae greet the stranger so happily and easily. There was serenity in her ease.

‘Harry, this is Lou, she’s here for hair and makeup.’ Rae explained with a smile that Harry could tell was nervous and he was sure he knew why.

‘Hi, nice to meet you.’ Harry extended his hand politely as he spoke, looking Lou in the eye as confidently as he could.

‘You too, I’ve heard so much about you from Rae, nice to put a face to the name.’ She grinned, something endearingly warm about her. Harry chuckled and looked to Rae who he could have sworn was blushing. ‘I’ll be with you in a sec, just gotta go to the loo.’ Lou excused herself and trotted away from Harry and Rae.

‘You coulda told me it wasn’t just the two of us, would have picked up another coffee.’ Harry pointed out nodding towards the cup in Rae’s hand that she took a tentative sip from as he spoke.

‘Sorry, I didn’t want you to get nervous before we’d even begun.’ Rae explained cautiously, spinning the cup around in her fingers and trying to look Harry in the eye but he could see she was looking just shy of them, more at his left temple than anything.

‘Don’t do that.’ Harry urged, taking a step forward, closing the unnecessary gap between them.

‘What?’ Rae questioned, with drawn in eyebrows, finally finding Harry’s eyes as her shadow of guilt turned to something like confusion. She knew she should have just told him, she realised that when she saw the way he looked at her as Lou left the room. However, she hadn’t anticipated how guilty she’d feel when he looked at her like she’d done the only thing he hoped she’d never do and walk on eggshells for his benefit.

‘Treat me like a baby bird,’ Harry all but sighed, the eye roll implicit even if it wasn’t actually there. ‘I’m a big boy.’ Harry stressed with a sarcastic smile to try ease any tension that might be there, even though Rae wasn’t feeling any.

‘But you-’

‘No, I can deal with it,’ Harry cut in, snapping slightly and immediately regretting. Harry took a sign, and fought the urge to reach out for her hand, he wasn’t sure if they did that anymore. That hadn’t been any physical connection since New York, and even though Harry missed it he’d never be the one to rekindle it, so until Rae decided to grab his hand or put her arm around him, or even kiss him again, he’d resigned to learning to go without it. ‘Just don’t please?’ Harry begged.

‘Ok, sorry.’ Rae offered genuinely with a lopsided, half smile. Harry just shook his head and chuckled, as if he could even be close to mad at her.

‘So what’s the plan?’ Harry asked, moving the conversation on before either of them could dwell on what had gone before, long enough to overthink it, even though he already knew he probably would be doing exactly that in his bed that night. Rae bobbed her head and turned on her heel towards where her lights and camera were set up, taking a sip of her coffee as she turned. Harry followed her towards the crux of the setup, virtually on her heels as he walked after her. ‘A bathtub?’ Rae chuckled and nodded.

‘Yeah, don’t panic, no nakedness required.’ Rae assured before Harry’s mind could wander. Harry was admittedly relieved with that information and tried not to sign with it. ‘You bought some old jeans right?’ Harry nodded motioning to the satchel still hanging from his shoulder. ‘Good, so if you don’t mind it’ll be shirt off job.’ Rae winced, cocking her head towards Harry as she told him about the idea for the first time.

‘You’re doing it again.’ Harry told her, raising one eyebrow as if warning a child not to touch the expensive ornament again. ‘Not a baby bird.’ He reminded her. Rae just nodded and looked back at the bath tub.

‘Lou’s gonna make you look wet, you’re gonna get in the bath, shirt off and I’m gonna take some photos kay?’ Rae listed, quickly the way she always did. Rae hadn’t done many shoots like the one she had planned with Harry, as in one with a model, but she’d found, with the few she had done, the less the model knew the better the photos came out. It was as if they weren’t trying to play a part they felt she wanted or needed, and therefore they came across as very natural and relaxed in the photos.

‘Kay.’ Harry beamed, causing Rae to chuckle.

‘Harry, you ready?’ It was that jovial, northern voice that drew them from one another. Harry looked up to Lou and nodded at her, wandering away from Rae towards Lou and begging the anxiety in him to remain subdued the way it had done so far. ‘Do you want to take a sit and pop your shirt off.’ Lou instructed motioning at the chair. Harry did as he was told dropping his bag to the floor by his feet, with his t-shirt and spare jeans, trying not to spare a thought to the fact he was half naked in front of someone he didn’t know, and Rae for the first time. Lou had her things set up on a table that looked like something Harry might have normally found in a primary school. Her set up was such a contrast to how professional it all looked as Harry walked in, it served as a reminder they were just uni kids, doing uni work.

‘So Rae, says you’re an art student.’ Lou began, picking up a brush and pushing it through Harry’s hair. Harry nodded not sure what to say at first. His anxiety had a way of convincing him he wasn’t good at social interaction even though when it came down to it, and he got over the hill of it, he coped fine and could maintain good conversation.

‘Yeah, second year.’ Harry told her. At the back of his mind he was telling himself not to focus on the initial few minutes. Harry knew the first moments were the worst for him, and he was learning to ignore them and not think about them, but just get through them to the part where it felt comfortable. For those first minutes he had to just let be what would happen and not let himself get too far into his head.

‘How’s it going?’ She asked, kindly. Harry had to wonder if Rae had warned her he wasn’t great with new people. If she didn’t know she was obviously good at reading people, if she did, she was doing well to be both sympathetic to him, but not appearing to feel sorry for him.

‘Not so bad, more stressful than first year.’ Harry laughed closing his eyes as something was sprayed into his hair. Harry wasn’t sure why Lou was working on him so efficiently. Surely if Rae needed Harry to look wet he could just dip himself under the bath water, but Harry was aware Lou and Rae definitely knew better than him. ‘Are you at uni?’

‘Yeah, third year though.’ Lou explained beginning to work on Harry’s face. He closed his eyes as she did so, tilting his chin to move his face towards the light a bit. ‘And at the make up school.’ Lou added with a little laugh.

The pair continued to chat as Lou finished up with Harry. Harry felt mentally more relaxed, physically he’d been making sure he looked as relaxed as possible from the moment he sat down. Slowly, though, the urge to find his ring or tug on sleeves he wasn’t wearing, dispersed. He found himself laughing naturally with Lou and not using it as a shield to hide anxiety, because it wasn’t there.

Harry was subconsciously aware that that he didn’t normally feel so calm so quickly around new people. For a while he’d been aware he felt different, he didn’t feel so on edge all the time. Although nerves and anxiety was still a battle for him, there were more mornings than normal when he woke and his heart wasn’t already racing inside his chest for no apparent reason. Less Sunday nights were spent chewing his nails until they were raw, not really focusing on his politics show at all.

Before Harry could even get to thinking about what had happened to cause the change, Lou was humming in satisfaction and smiling happily at him, her eyes scanning over his hair and face. He knew that look, he was sure it was how he looked when he finished a page in his sketchbook that he was happy with.

‘We’re done Rae, wanna come check.’ Lou called still admiring her masterpiece. Harry looked over to Rae though, watched her push herself up from where she was crouched on the floor fiddling with wires, and wander over to Lou and himself. Rae stood next to Lou, looking like the antithesis of the blonde haired, slight, woman. A gentle smile crept onto her face as she looked over Harry, and Harry tried not to blush reminding himself it was Lou’s work that was making her smile. ‘Ok?’

‘Yes, it’s perfect, thank you.’ Rae grinned looking to her friend for a second, but quickly looking back to Harry still grinning flicking her eyes over his hair that Lou had made look wet, styling it in such a way that he looked like he’d got out of the bath. She hadn’t done much to his face, but it looked glossy and damp, the sheen visible in the light. Rae caught his eye quickly though, her smile only getting bigger when she did so. ‘Do you wanna go and put those old jeans on, there’s a toilet through there.’ Rae told Harry, still smiling as always, and pointing towards the back of the room.

Harry nodded and walked towards the door Rae had pointed to. As the door of the single toilet closed behind him, he felt nerves erupt inside his stomach. They rose up from the pit of his tummy like flames from embers that had been smouldering away. They’d been there the whole time, simmering, but now he was alone with only his mind and without Rae to focus on, they boiled over and made him feel like he was teetering on the edge of something he should fear.

With hands threatening to shake, he undid the belt of his everyday, black jeans and pushed them down his legs. Harry stood in front of the mirror over the small sink, staring at himself. He was focused so hard on reasoning with himself and rationalising the day ahead, that he didn’t even really notice the small pink petals dotted in his hair. The sink took his weight as he leant on it, gripping at the cold porcelain until his knuckles turned white. He breathed in until his lungs were so full they felt like they might burst through his ribcage, and his throat ached with the need to release the air. He let it through his slightly parted lips, painfully slowly, counting down from ten as he did so.

He was going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. It’s going to be ok. Harry reassured himself silently in his head, staring into his own eyes in the mirror and not flinching away from the confident words repeating in his mind, in his voice.

Harry took one more of the painstakingly even, deep breaths he’d trained himself into doing. When he felt completely out of control of everything, when he was in a situation that put him on edge, it helped him to feel completely in control of his breath and how far he could push his body. What made him feel worse was when he felt people could sense his anxiety and it was making them uncomfortable. Therefore it was important for him, to at worst keep it hidden behind smiles and laughter, but at best to have it so under control it was hard for him to notice let alone someone else looking on.

Once he’d pulled on the old blue jeans that had been stuffed to the back of his underwear drawer, kept for any occasion that might mean he got dirty, Harry left the toilet. Lou and Rae were around the laptop, Rae stood up and Lou sat beside her on the long legged stool. Rae was talking, Lou looking up to her with a twisted neck, looking a little concerned as she nodded at Rae’s words. Harry couldn’t hear a word of what they were saying, but the way they fell silent and quickly looked to him when they heard his footsteps made him think they might have been talking about him.

Without him wanting it, his mind fell to New York and their kiss. He hadn’t told anyone, and suddenly his heart was beating with the fear that she’d just told Lou. Despite their smiles, he couldn’t help but feel under a spotlight he knew only he could see. It made him want to tell Niall, but he knew that was very different to Rae telling Lou, even if she had, and at the back of his mind he knew she probably hadn’t. Rae wasn’t like that. Even so, Harry felt suddenly isolated. Who could he talk to about what was going on inside him when he saw her smile, saw her name flash on his phone or was in her proximity, when his best friend was her best friend?

Harry didn’t let himself dwell, he self-regulated his thoughts they way he so often did, pulling himself in and away from the feelings rolling around inside. He pushed a smile on and reminded himself of the calm feeling he’d managed to find in the bathroom, the bliss of the deep breaths and the relief of letting the air out of his lungs and his own pace. Slowly he talked himself down from the hyper aware state he felt like he was in. The anxiety that was always just around the corner for him, would not ruin this for Rae, and for once he wouldn’t let it ruin it for him either, he was determined of that.

‘Ok?’ Rae asked moving away from the laptop and delving her hands into her pockets again. Harry nodded as he chucked his jeans to the floor where his bag and t-shirt lie next to the makeup chair. ‘Great, well hop in and we’ll get started.’ Rae instructed with a smile. Harry was acutely aware of Lou’s presence as he stepped into the bath. The water inside was pink and a floral display was floating inside it, the leaves and petals shifting abruptly as Harry moved the water and sunk into it, glad the water was warm. ‘Is that warm enough?’ Rae called from behind him.

‘Yeah it’s good.’ Harry assured, getting himself comfortable.

‘Ok, good, shout if you start to get cold though and we’ll break and warm it back up.’ Harry nodded as Rae reached his side again, camera in hand. Harry was curious about the colour of the water but chose not to ask, instead focusing wholly on on being exactly and whatever Rae needed him to be.

‘Just relax, just going to do a few test shots, completely chill yeah?’ Rae reassured kneeling beside the bath, getting comfortable on her knees whilst she held Harry’s eyes. He nodded again, relaxing, not letting the nerves inside him (whatever was causing them) distract from what Rae was saying or her comforting tone of voice.

Harry was looking down at his legs and was distantly aware of the camera shutter sound in the background as Rae moved around in his peripheral vision. The more times the camera clicked the more the butterflies wound up inside him. Harry saw Rae stand up from how she was crouched, his eyes followed after her, scanning her from behind, not being able to stop himself from swallowing down on nothing as he watched her hips swing. He was fully aware the stirring inside of him was moving on from more than just a crush, but he was more than fully aware sat in the bath then was not the time to think about it.

As Rae stood at the laptop, her fingers flicking against the trackpad, Harry saw the smile lift the corners of her lips. Nervous anticipation had kept him on edge all morning, not knowing how the photo shoot would go played right into his anxiety’s hands. However, as he saw the content smile on Rae’s face, a smile he was getting to know very well, he felt more relaxed than when he’d stood in front of the mirror taking long, deep, even breaths.

‘They look great Harry.’ Rae beamed, looking up from the screen to meet Harry’s gaze the way she so often did. Harry smiled and let his eyes linger on her unashamedly, the way he regularly caught her doing with him, as she walked back towards him.

‘Are your necklaces gonna be ok?’ Rae asked motioning towards the silver chains that were always around his neck.

‘Yeah they’ll be fine don’t worry.’ Harry told her looking back down at the water now she was next to him.

‘Ok, well just in case.’ Rae murmured, picking up the necklaces and twisting them around his neck so they lay across his back. Harry shivered at the soft brush of her fingertips, but Rae was too focused on the pendants to notice. She’d never been close enough to really see them. Of course she’d noticed the cross that never seemed to come off, but now she also saw the lotus flower engraved into the square piece of silver that hung from the longer necklace. Harry rolled his shoulders and the cross fell back over his shoulders but the lotus stayed facing her and Rae tilted her head at it, deciding to leave the jewellery be.

‘If you just put your head forward,’ Rae directed, moving his head gently with her hand. ‘I’m gonna pour some water over you, ok?’ Harry nodded and closed his eyes as he heard a surge of water from behind him and then began to feel water crashing over his head and pouring over him. Harry could hear the camera shutter clicking incessantly, but was sure his eyes closed wasn’t the look Rae was going for. Harry lifted his hands to his eyes, rubbing the water out of them with his long fingers. Rae was stood to the front of him rather than behind, when he looked up mouth slightly agape, for some reason a little breathless.

‘Look at the water,’ Rae smiled, crouching again. ‘Sink down a bit.’ Harry heard the camera click. Suddenly he was feeling on edge but he had no idea why. The camera clicked and butterflies erupted inside him, each time more ferocious than the first. He should have known it couldn’t last long. ‘Relax.’ Rae breathed, reaching out for his arm and gripping his bicep loosely. Harry looked up to catch her eyes and she had that gentle, somewhat homely smile on her face. Rae tilted her head at Harry and everything inside him calmed back down. Rae let go of Harry’s arm and he looked back down at the water. The camera clicked again, but this time no butterflies.

‘I want one of just his eye, but I don’t want that water to get in his eye, can you do something?’ Rae asked turning to Lou, and it made Harry wonder, yet again, how the water was pink.

‘Sure.’ Harry could hear Lou busying herself from behind him, but he didn’t look to her instead looked Rae up and down as she sunk down onto her bum and crossed her legs. Rae, as always, was already looking at him and smiling sweetly up to him. ‘Ok?’ She asked silently and Harry just gave her a reassuring nod and smile, because he was now.

‘Close your eyes for me hun.’ Lou asked kneeling in front of Harry. He did as he was told and felt single droplets fall onto the skin under his eye. ‘Open.’ Harry did so. ‘Ok just relax.’ Harry tried, but winced quickly at the sight of a mascara stick coming towards his eye. Harry heard Rae chuckle and threw her an offended look.

‘Hey, don’t laugh.’ Harry pouted.

‘Just relax Harry, it’s not going in your eye.’ Rae laughed moving closer to him and Lou. It didn’t matter how many times it happened, Harry could never get his head around how she made him feel so on edge with something but simultaneously so easy.

‘I’d hope not.’ Harry exclaimed causing both Lou and Rae to laugh as Lou reached out to hold Harry’s head still so she could brush the clear mascara onto his lashes without him jolting back again.

‘Good?’ Lou asks reclining back a little.

‘Perfect, thanks.’ Lou smiled happily and grabbed her things wandering away as Rae turned her attention back to Harry. ‘Just look right at the lens,’ Harry swallowed and looked straight down the barrel of Rae’s lens. Despite the huge piece of technology between them, Harry was sure he could see her dark brown, hot chocolate on a winter's night, eyes. They made him feel warm even when he couldn’t see them in front of his own eyes, they were fairly well etched into his mind. ‘Blink.’ Rae instructed and as Harry opened his eyes the camera clicked again. ‘One more time, blink again.’ Harry did the same again and so did Rae. She smiled down at her camera and stood up. ‘Ok, just a couple more, put this on.’ Rae chucked Harry a patterned piece of fabric that Harry quickly unfolded.

‘Where’d you get this?’ Harry asked looking at the black, but red and green floral patterned shirt that fell out of itself as he lifted it up.

‘Charity shop.’ Rae told him waiting patiently for him to put the shirt on.

‘What? I love it.’ Harry’s voice was mumbled as he pulled the top over his head pushing it down into the water around his stomach. Even so Rae laughed, rather than sighed as he covered up the artwork on his body that she could have stared at all day long.

‘You can have it if you want.’ Rae told him, tilting her head and chewing at her bottom lip as she contemplated what was before her. ‘Ok, hm.’ Rae sighed, tilting her head to the other side. ‘What do you think?’

‘About what?’ Harry queried, creasing his forehead at her.

‘What do you think would look cool?’ Rae explained motioning to him sat in the bath clad in a lairy shirt, his hair letting go of water droplets that fell down his face and tickled the back of his neck. Rae hadn’t expected to feel so flustered by him, half naked and soaking wet in front of her camera. It had definitely done the job of taking her mind of what else that day might mean to her.

‘I dunno it’s your shoot.’ Harry pointed out matter of factly, Rae smirking at him and taking steps closer.

‘You’re meant to be an artist are you not?’ Harry chuckled and shook his head. Looking down at the water, he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and thought what he might do if it was his project. He let his mind wander the way he let it wander when he was thinking of a concept for a new project. Harry didn’t know why, but Millais’ Ophelia came to mind. Slowly he lowered himself into the water, until the back of his head was under it, his ears brushing the surface but slowly submerging.

‘Careful of your eyes.’ Rae warned as Harry twisted his head, but then she saw it and her eyes went wide. ‘Ah ok, this is great stay there.’ Rae all but ran towards the bath and Harry could just about hear her fidgeting around through the water. Next thing he knew Rae was standing in the bath over him, her culottes rolled up nearly to her knees. Rae smiled down at him, a halo of flowers around his head. She lifted the camera to her eye and began taking photos, moving herself around him to get the shot she could see in her mind. ‘That looks awesome, nice.’ Rae beamed as she looked at the screen on the camera and stepped out off the tub. ‘You can sit up now,’ She laughed as she walked away from him, looking back to see Harry still laying in the water. ‘Just stay there a sec.’

Rae did the same as she had done earlier, scrolling on her laptop as the photos uploaded from her camera. The same pleased smile drew onto her face and Harry couldn’t have been happier to see it. He twisted further watching as Rae continued to look over the photos, waiting patiently for her to say something.

‘These look so good Harry.’ Rae glowed, finally looking to him again and putting her camera down. ‘Do you wanna take those wet clothes off?’ Rae suggested, pacing back to him with a towel and empty plastic bag. Harry pushed himself up in the bath, Rae noticing his triceps twitch and wishing she’d never suggested him putting a shirt on as she imagined the rippling muscles in his back. She half got her wish though as he pulled the shirt over his head. Her eyes wandered, without her really even meaning to let them, down his body, his broad chest and shoulders stretching even wider and his tight abdomen making her own flutter.

Rae took the shirt off him and put in the bag, trying with all her might not to blush as he unbuttoned his jeans and stepped out of the bath before pushing them down his legs. They swapped jeans for towel and Harry wrapped the towel around waist as Rae stuffed his jeans into the bag and he wandered to the bathroom, grabbing his dry clothes as he went, missing the wink Lou gave Rae as Rae turned back to her, cheeks scarlet and a little lost for words.

Harry couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as he towelled himself dry and got into his dry clothes. All along he knew it couldn’t really go as bad as his brain was telling him it could, but even so he felt relieved that Rae had been so happy with the photos. For once he didn’t doubt himself either. Rae had told him they looked good, so he was happy and content that they looked good.

Harry didn’t hang around getting himself dressed again. He roughly tousled his hair with the towel to get the majority of the water out, but just left it in a wet, half curly mess as he left the bathroom. When he got out, Rae was packing her things away, no sign of Lou anywhere. Rae turned to the sound of his feet, spinning on her heels and rising to her feet as she did so.

‘I coulda helped you tidy.’ Harry pointed out, tossing the towel over his forearm as he walked towards his bag to sling it on his shoulder.

‘Models don’t help tidy darling.’ Rae mocked, sounding more like Patsy from Ab Fab than Charlene from Neighbours for, what Harry hoped would be, the first and only time.

‘What are you doing this evening?’ Harry asked stopping just short of her, Rae pushing her hands into the pockets of her jeans comfortably.

‘Nothing.’ Rae shrugged, her mouth moving to one side as she looked up at Harry, almost through her thick dark lashes.

‘Home then?’ Harry suggested, and Rae nodded, smiling happily up at Harry.

Over the years, Rae had managed to figure out the best way to carry all of her equipment un aided. Even so, it was nice to have Harry’s help getting her things from his car to the house and up the stairs to her room. Harry left her to sort everything out though, putting all her things back in the place she kept them. It didn’t take her long, it was a well perfected dance by that point.

With everything back in its home Rae trotted down the stairs, phone in hand, to find Harry. The house was quiet when they got in. There were no lights on, no sounds, and a lack of shoes to block passing traffic in the hallway. There was rarely a time when no one was in, but Rae found that evening, she quite liked the stillness of the house. It rested easily on her and the invitation to join her other three housemates down the pub was one she could have easily ignored had she not had Harry to mention it to also.

‘Everyone’s down at The Ship, if you fancy it?’ Rae didn’t mean to make it clear that she didn’t fancy it, but Harry could see it written all over her, traipsing down to the pub on the corner of the high street, ten minute walk away, was the last thing she fancied doing. If he was honest, he wasn’t really up for it either. Especially when the other option was some time alone with Rae, something he’d been missing since their change in schedules meant they no longer got Wednesday afternoons alone together.

‘Or we could just have dinner and watch a movie?’ Harry suggested, half tentatively. The part of his brain that made him think the worst, twinged like a twisted muscle with too much pressure on it, making him think how she would laugh in his face at the idea. Not for the first time though, the other part of his brain that was normally just a twinge, but seemed to be becoming stronger now, laughed that pessimism away and reminded Harry that Rae wasn’t like that.

‘That sounds better,’ Rae smiled gratefully. ‘What do you fancy?’ She asked turning to the cupboards and pulling them open to look at what was inside. There wasn’t a lot, the last time they’d done a big shop of sorts was nearly a month ago and supplies were running thin.

‘Why don’t you let me cook for a change?’ Harry countered, pushing the cupboard closed from out of her hands. Rae looked up to him a little hurt, but also a little surprised.

‘No don’t be silly, let me, as a thank you for today considering you won’t take anything else off me.’ Rae pushed rolling her eyes as she remembered how he’d refused money, and a coffee, and food or a drink on the way home.

‘No, I wanted to do today and I want to cook for you, so you put the kettle on, make us a cuppa and sit down, for five minutes, please.’ Harry all but begged, holding the cupboard shut so Rae couldn’t pull it open again no matter how much she tried. She eventually realised Harry was adamant on cooking, so gave an exaggerated sigh, making sure Harry could hear it, before turning to fill the kettle up not giving him another word or another glance and therefore, missing the humoured grin Harry was wearing as he watched her begin to fill the kettle.

As Rae set about making two mugs of tea, Harry began gathering ingredients for one of the only dishes he was confident he could remember exactly. Marmite chicken. Harry’s sister had made it for him one night when his mum was out, on a date, and Harry had thought it had sounded gross, but he was wrong. It was delicious and he knew he had to have the recipe. He’d been cooking it ever since, but hadn’t done in a while after Rae’s arrival and her domination of the kitchen. Not that him or any of the other boys were complaining. There was no denying she could cook and none of them had resorted to pot noodles or buttered toast for all three meals of the day since she’d been living with them.

‘Oh shit, please don’t tell me someone's finished my marmite.’ Harry groaned as he searched the fridge in case some fool had decided that marmite needed refrigerating.

‘Well it wasn’t me, vegemite for life.’ Rae quipped taking a sip of her tea and widening her eyes as she did so. Harry had to suppress a chuckle as he glared at her, one hand on his hip. ‘You can use it instead if you want?’

‘Is it the same?’ Harry queried, clearly not convinced by the alternative option.

‘No it’s vastly superior but it can only make the meal better right?’ Rae jested, tilting her head as she did so. Harry smirked. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t find it endearing how she dipped her neck to one side when she was joking with people, sarcasm dripping from her voice like honey.

‘I dunno about that.’ Harry doubted with one cocked eyebrow. ‘One way to find out.’ He shrugged in defeat, reaching up for Rae’s cupboard and pulling down the jar of vegemite. It wasn’t the one with her name on it that he’d bought her for Christmas, that was long gone, she was at least three jars down since then. Even so the memory of how ecstatic she’d been with the gift bought a smile to his face.

The room fell silent of their voices as Harry cooked, the only sound the hissing and spitting of the wok as Harry added an array of ingredients. It wasn’t normal for Rae to sit in silence, she always found something to talk about. Harry was aware the quiet was full of all the thoughts in her head that were surely making her mind noisy. As he looked over his shoulder his suspicions were confirmed. Rae was staring down into her mug that was still mostly full, the liquid inside almost definitely stone cold by now. Harry could tell she was chewing on the inside of her cheek, the way she did when she was lost in thought or concentrating on something.

There had always been a part of Harry that wanted those in his life to feel loved and accepted and comfortable. It made him feel better in the same way seeing people uncomfortable at the thought he might be feeling anxious made him feel worse. With Rae the urge was stronger, it always had been. It was what made him arrive far too early at the airport at Christmas, what had made him share his journal with her, what had made him suggest getting her guitar sent over. There was a stirring in the bottom of his stomach, aware by trying to make her comfortable now, he could make her uncomfortable, but he couldn’t say nothing.

‘Ok love?’ Rae looked up quickly to Harry’s question and flashed a fake smile at Harry, nodding just as unconvincingly. Harry shook his head, skirting the table to pull the chair out next to her and sit down. ‘You’re a rubbish liar.’

‘I’m not lying.’ Rae exaggerated with a false chuckle.

‘You are, you’re clearly not ok.’ Harry pointed out. Rae just looked down at the tea she’d taken two sips of, not really sure what to say to Harry. ‘It is ok to not be a ball of sunshine all the time y’know?’ Harry implored, silently begging her to open up to him, but also knowing better than most not to push too hard.

‘Just hate being negative.’ Rae murmured reaching for the mug, wishing it was still warm when her icy fingers clasped it.

‘You’re not being negative Rae.’ Harry sighed, Rae shrugging, her bottom lip pouting a little. ‘Stop it, you’re fine, you feel sad, you’re a human, you’re allowed.’ Harry stressed finally reaching for her hand, taking it off the mug and holding it tight, frozen cold as always.

‘It’s Jonah’s anniversary.’ Rae admitted quietly. Out of the corner of her eye she looked up to Harry, trying to gauge his reaction. She hated how out of sorts it could make people feel saying something like that, and he hated having no choice but to say it. There was no way she could sit and lie to Harry, not when he could see straight through her. He didn’t recoil though, and his eyes didn’t flicker as his mind raced to find the right words. He just started back at her, the only change his nostrils flaring so slightly if she’d have been any further away she might not have seen. ‘Essie already told you didn’t she?’ Harry just nodded slowly, feeling guilty, like he shouldn’t know.

‘Do you mind?’ Harry questioned, quietly, nervous that she would mind and she’d get mad at him.

‘Not particularly.’ Rae mumbled. She didn’t, not really, although she did a bit. Of course she understood why Essie had done it, but she would have preferred to be the one to tell Harry. Entering her mind then, was the knowledge he’d known all day, but she couldn’t see how he’d treated her any differently, walked on eggshells around her because of it, the way she knew he should have done according to past experiences. And then she didn’t mind at all. Harry never handled her like she was a china doll in spite of anything she ever told him, he couldn’t possibly understand how grateful Rae was for that.

‘Sorry I should have told you I knew.’ Harry fretted as moments of silence passed that felt too long for him.

‘It’s ok, it’s fine.’ Rae reassured with a smile that Harry knew meant she was being genuine.

‘Will you tell me about him?’ Harry asked before he could stop himself. He didn’t know where it came from or why he said it, but now it was out there he supposed he should continue. ‘About Jonah, I want to know about him.’ Harry informed her and it wasn’t a lie. Ever since the first time Rae had told Harry about Jonah, all he’d wanted was to hear all about her big brother. It was clear from the way she spoke about him, even if it was minimal, that he was instrumental to the person she’d become and was still turning into, and not just because of what happened to him.

Rae took a deep breath and thought about it for a second. Where to start mainly. She hadn’t spoken about Jonah properly in so long that it almost felt foreign to be doing so again. She hadn’t forgotten about any part of him, but it took a second to find it and bring it through the brambles of her mind that kept the part reserved for him slightly shadowed. When she started though, she found she couldn’t stop. So much of her formative years involved Jonah. He was always there, when she looked back, at every checkpoint and although it made her sad that he wouldn’t be there with his goofy grin and soft amber, brown eyes for the upcoming checkpoints it filled her with a warmth reminiscent of the first summer day to be talking about him again.

‘He had these golden bits in his eyes, me and Essie didn’t get them,’ Rae rolled her eyes as Harry thought how much he loved her pure, espresso coloured eyes, ‘He used to bag on us all the time, saying he was the golden child because of it.’ Rae chuckled and Harry smiled as she clearly filled with joy as more memories came to her mind. ‘Sorry I’m talking too much.’ Rae blushed looking down at her lap.

‘No I like it.’ Harry grinned squeezing the hand he was still holding onto. ‘It’s nice to hear.’

‘You should probably finish dinner though.’ Rae reminded Harry nodding towards the pan that Harry had turned down to a low simmer before he’d begun their conversation.

‘It’s ok, I don’t mind if you want to carry on talking.’ Harry offered, but Rae shook her head.

‘My tummy’s starting to growl at me, so maybe we should eat.’ She jested. Harry chuckled, standing and wandering over to the food.

Harry dished up the food into two bowls, handing one to Rae. They agreed they’d eat on the sofa in front of a movie, Rae’s choice as long as it wasn’t Cars again, Harry bargained because he really couldn’t watch it for a tenth time in two weeks. Rae opted for Ghost, one of her favourites and potentially the only movie of that genre Harry hadn’t seen.

They sat on the sofa, closer than they normally would and finished their dinner to the soundtrack of Unchained Melody, Rae quite happy she could use the excuse of scraping up the last few noodles to be looking away. She didn’t know why she felt hot under the collar as the movie got a little steamy, she was definitely not a prude, but with Harry sat next to her she felt like a teenage girl sitting on the couch with her high school crush after being invited round for tea for the first time. It gave her the same excited butterflies, and made her feel just as light and fuzzy.

Harry took her empty plate from her, placing them on the floor beside the sofa before relaxing back and unashamedly sliding his hips a little closer to Rae. Fuck it Rae thought to herself doing the same and letting her upper body lean into Harry’s. She didn’t feel him freeze or recoil from her, so she leant in further, until her head found a place on his chest, the broad muscles solid underneath her.

It didn’t take long for Harry to give in to his urges too and wrap his arm around her pulling her as close as she could. It didn’t take much longer for him to shift Rae so he could put his legs up and they could lay on the couch together. Rae tucked into him, pushing her back into his front as his arm gripped her securely to prevent her from falling of the sloppy sofa cushions.

The film hadn’t even really started when Rae’s body got slowly more limp by Harry’s. She squirmed in front of him, wiggling against him and groaning sleepily before turning herself over to face Harry. Her eyes were closed as Harry looked down at her, her face completely relaxed as she made her head comfortable on his arm. Harry couldn’t help but sigh contentment and give in to pressing a soft, but long kiss against her forehead. Rae didn’t seem to feel it, she didn’t make a sound or a movement, but with her asleep in his arms, Harry found himself sleeping into an equally blissful state.

Harry stirred, slowly. He groaned quietly as consciousness came back to him. Light was pouring into the room and it took him a few seconds, and lots of blinking his vision back, for him to realise he was still on the sofa, Rae still pushed into his body but facing the room rather than him. He could feel it. He could feel her against it, and really he should have known it would happen. Too many mornings he’d woken with the image of her soaking standing on her bed, or with a towel around her in the kitchen doorway, that he should have foreseen it being too much for his body to have her that close and not react.

Rae squirmed against him, her backside rubbing him enough that he had to bite his lips together to keep from groaning as the sensations roared through him. This can’t be happening. He cursed himself and his male urges as he peeled away from Rae. There was no way she could wake to him in this state, that’s if she wasn’t already awake and knew what was happening. Of course she knows. Harry convinced himself before he hopped from the sofa as carefully as he could not wanting to wake Rae.

His bag was by the door, he didn’t know what was in it, he didn’t care. Harry grabbed the bag, pushed his feet into his boots and rushed out of the door. He’d be spending the day at the library whether there was work he could do in his bag or not, he’d find something, let Rae get her laughter at his expense out of his system. She’s not like that Harry. It didn’t matter how much he knew it to be true, he couldn’t face her now.

A/N Thank you to @huninthesun for letting me know this was missing. Apparently it had been taken down, anybodys guess as to why, but here it is for those who were tryna find it. Hope you like it!

#wooo #world of our own #harry styles au #harry styles uni au #harry fan fic #1dff

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escape-rock-bottom · 2 years ago

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Hey There (Discomfort Challenge)

One day, a harsh reality hit me like a crowbar slamming me square in the face: I don't have many friends. I literally only had three very close ones, and two of them were high school friends I haven't spoken to for years. As you know, humans are social creatures and rarely is someone truly content with little to no social interaction and friends.

I personally fall into the category of people who are highly social but prefer a handful of really good friends over a large amount of acquaintances. I'm also in the category of socially anxious shy dudes who are secretly extroverts and love a good conversation. I just find it insanely hard to approach people for a variety of reasons I discussed in more detail in a previous blog. To summarize, I overthink things regarding socializing.

Apparently, the answer is painfully straightforward: People tend to ignore you unless you approach them. It seems like 90% of your relationships exist because you approached first, and 10% are from them approaching you.

Also, people generally keep to themselves and assume that others do the same. In my case, my resistance to making eye contact and approaching people makes it seem a whole lot like I'm not interested in chatting regardless of my actual intentions and desires.

People can't read minds, but they're great at reading body language. The difference between me and most other people is that my body language rarely betrays my intentions, emotions, or thoughts. That in itself creates complications with communication.

In order to take the guesswork and misinterpretation out of social interactions, I have to verbally express my intentions. If I want to talk, I need to make it clear with a greeting. If I want to be left alone, I'd need to ask for space. In reverse, I'd need to ask the other person what they need and learn to understand general social cues.

Yeah I can argue its unfair that I have to put in so much work into socializing but I have to be honest with myself: Who doesn't? Most people struggle with relationships in a variety of different ways.

Alright, I know my problems, but what good is that without a potential solution to them? How do I extinguish my anxiety regarding approaching people without freaking myself out? I came up with one idea after trying a previous method and realizing that was a little too scary at that time:

Just say hi to people I am familiar with.

That's a full on entry level baby step to conquering my fear right there. About two weeks ago I set out to greet people with a short and simple "hi". As of writing this post, I have still been doing so. It's getting a bit easier, but I still struggle with it. However, I've met quite a few cool people and was able to have more conversations than before.

It's nice to feel like I'm connecting to people where before I just sat there being pathetically lonely even though people were reaching out and engaging with me. It's even nicer to know that most of my relationships grew distant because of my lack of reaching out to them. Yes, I previously lacked that awareness and I will admit it's knowledge I only recognized after 24 years of my life.

Once again, with most types of anxiety, the way to deal with and overcome it is to take small steps to face it. Ignoring it or shifting blame to some other circumstance doesn't help you conquer that anxiety. Since I know my anxieties mainly surround social interactions, I set discomfort challenges to put me in a position to face my fears, but I know plenty of people who suffer the same or similar anxieties in their life.

Of course, it's up to you to test methods and choose the best fit. What will work for me may not for you, but the concepts themselves are universal: To overcome fear of socializing and building relationships, you need to practice putting yourself out there.

#improving relationships #social anxiety #overcoming fear #lonliness

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sweetredcherryblossomtree · 7 years ago

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Snowsnowsnow. An incredibly long overdue post/maybe essay that I’m going to try and not delete.

Snow, thank you for giving me three days off because I am absolutely calling out of work tomorrow.

My mind has been everywhere. It’s been giving me a headache. For a while, I was having doubts about what I’ve been planning. Mostly just intrusive thoughts but also I can overthink. But after a few conversations with loving people, my mind is more at ease now. What I’m doing is selfish but I deserve it. It is fine. It is alright. It is human to want things and to go for them. I have to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to do things that will make me happy and that are good for me.

Things don’t last forever. Relationships with other people don’t last forever. But I am with myself forever. I’m lucky in comparison to so many people. I have depression but at the same time, I have a great relationship with myself. I am happy with who I am and who I want to be. I rarely think awful things about myself. I know I’m not stupid. I can be ignorant but I’m pretty good with cutting myself slack as long as I educate myself after. The only thing I’m upset with myself for is how badly my social anxiety affects me.

The semester before I graduated high school, I experienced more freedom than what I had been used to. My dad wasn’t home as much so he couldn’t keep control of what we did. I think my mom took pity on me because I had been so depressed and heartbroken. I had really great friends and my mom let me spend a lot of time with them. it was probably the best thing that could have been done for me. I remember New Years, I was allowed to spend the night at a friend’s! I was never allowed to sleep over anywhere but my mom trusted the parents. Everyone was “roasting” each other for their personality flaws. Not in a mean way or anything. I begged them to tell me what my flaw was and after some consideration, one of them just said

“You’re too nice.”

“...That’s it?”

“Yeah, you are just really nice.” And everyone nodded in agreement.

And that moment resonates with me.

*****I want to preface this with: I am not a nice person. I am not a mean person. I am a person.

I have lots of flaws. Being nice is a performance I have to go through to ensure I can somewhat survive socially. If I have ever said anything that generally is not “nice” to you, if I ever revealed a judgmental thought that I had (there are plenty), if I ever had an attitude with you and didn’t try to hide it, etc., then congratulations. I absolutely trust you and see you as a close friend.

Nice can be used to describe me but it isn’t who I am as a person because I think plenty of not nice things. I do and say very not nice things sometimes. I am working on it, because I want to be a better person but just know that in general, I’m just a person who is nice to avoid conflict.******

Even though I have really bad social anxiety, it’s pretty hard to tell if you see me at work. Every day, I’m complimented on how nice I am. How I’m the nicest person they’ve encountered that day. I have customers who adore me and it’s made the experience so much easier than when I first started last year. A few weeks ago, a lady came in and after helping her out, she told me that I have such a peaceful and calm presence. She said she felt at such ease with me and that was rare for her to feel and to never change. I’m not going to lie, that made me feel really great about myself and it still does.

Up until recently, I hadn’t understood why it was so bad to be so nice. I can’t help being nice. It’s not like it’s some switch I can turn on and off. I think it’s part of my social anxiety. If I’m nice, people can’t hate me and that has been programmed into me since I was a child. My niceness has worked in my favor except in cases of men and that is where an issue has started to develop.

I could handle the weird and creepy boys in high school and college. I could be nice to them but as long as I kept my distance, I was always fine. I was fortunate that the ones who did try to get closer to me stopped after I made very obvious hints. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I ghosted a lot of guys in college after realizing I wanted nothing to do with them. Like the guy who kept a newt under his dorm bed, poked her with a plastic fork, and then kept saying how much I looked like Lilo from Lilo and Stitch (a movie he was obsessed with).

But I’m having an issue with adult men. Men who have stalked me at work. Men who took my trust and tried to twist it. Men that my coworkers recognize and when they see them coming into the store, I’m the first one alerted so that I can go into the stockroom until given the all clear. This isn’t an every day thing fortunately, but it’s bothersome nonetheless.

A little over a month ago, I was groped on the sales floor by an older man who was a regular customer of mine. I was too in shock to really say or do anything at the time. It was too busy, his daughter and granddaughter were there. I wasn’t even sure if it had really happened.

He asked for a hug and because I am “nice”, I reluctantly gave one to him. It was a half hug because that’s all I’m comfortable with when it comes to most people. As he let go of me, his hands slipped downward and I felt him..cupping me. It was a very quick moment, I wasn’t sure what had happened at first, just that I felt very weird and uncomfortable. After I checked him out, he slid a ten dollar bill to me and walked away quickly before I could even say anything.

I haven’t seen him since, and I’m very okay with that. But every weekend when I’m working alone, I’m scared. I’m scared that he’ll come back when it’s busy and I’m on the floor alone. I’m scared that the other man who has a violent criminal record will come and demand to know why I blocked his number. I’m scared of the man who likes to hold my hand for too long when asking for a handshake as he looks me up and down.

Before this incident, the only people who have ever touched my body without my consent were boyfriends. I don’t even know the name of the man who touched me. All I know is that he is a veteran and likes to buy gifts for his daughter and her kids. I didn’t think I’d be too affected by it and I guess in a way, I’m not. But it obviously does affect me if I still continue to think about it.

I know it’s more than just me being “too nice.” It’s about how men easily prey on women like me who are nice, especially when it’s our job to be nice. Like, I’m at work. I can’t leave the situation or cause a huge commotion. I could, but they would know where to find me again.

And this goes for all the shitty relationships I let myself go through. That deserves a post all on its own. It’s taken me years to come to this conclusion, but every single relationship that I had in high school was very unhealthy and at least one was touching the line of being abusive. I spent most of my high school years being emotionally manipulated by three different guys. I don’t think they even realized what they were doing at the time but I’m still affected by it years later.

Do you know what is worse? I think that is a common experience for tons of teenage girls. I didn’t realize that I was being manipulated. I didn’t know any better. I thought these relationships were the real deal and would last forever but I had to do everything I could to keep them around or something must have been wrong with me.

There are so many times with one particular ex, where I’d go home and try not to cry about what had happened because I didn’t want to say no. I wanted him to be pleased with me and to not leave me again. This relationship absolutely fucked with me and the sense of control I wish I knew I had over my own body. It’s been over six years. I can still remember the physical pain I was put through because he was so fucking rough and never took a moment to consider what I was going through. I’m not even talking about actual intercourse. We never had sex. But I was too afraid to let him know I was in pain because I didn’t want to be broken up with, again. He had me do so many things that I never ever wanted to do and still hate doing to this very day. And that doesn’t even begin with how badly he emotionally manipulated me. He messed with my feelings and emotions well into my first year of college because I was stupid enough to follow him there. And we weren’t even dating anymore. His friendship alone fucked with me as well.

College was so different though. In such a good way. Imagine my surprise when for the first time ever, I was asked “Is this okay?” and “Is this fine?” or “Are you okay with doing this?”

Blew my fucking mind.

The people I’ve dated after high school are in general just better people. People who have for the most part, respected my opinion, my body, and boundaries.

I’m still flawed though. I still struggle a lot with full consent and active vocalization. I let so much slide. However, it’s been building up in me and every time something happens, I get a little bit angrier on the inside. Angry at myself for letting it happen. Angry at the person for not understanding why I’m upset though it’s my fault because I still can’t get around to saying it so how would they know why I’m upset? And it absolutely is no where near as bad as it was in high school. Not even close. But that doesn’t give me a reason to justify it.I want it to stop completely and if I can’t get it to stop in this relationship then I swear to myself that in my next relationship that I WILL DO BETTER. For myself. Gone will be the days where I just let things go because it’s “no big deal.”

I think I’m just venting about all of this because today I did say “No.” And I said it very sternly and it was obvious that I was highly annoyed. BUT I WASN’T TAKEN SERIOUSLY. At least not until I had to shove his hands away from me because I was so angry. If you hear someone say no to anything that you are doing, you should absolutely stop. Even if it isn’t sexual. Even if you are just teasing or messing with someone. You better fucking stop. And maybe it’s because I never let my no’s stand their ground in the past, maybe it’s because I usually just let so much go, but now, I’m a different person and I am so done with unwanted touching.

But I am so mad that my NO wasn’t taken seriously. I am so mad that he didn’t stop until I had to resort to something physical. I am so mad that this has become a problem and has been a problem that I’ve ignored until now.

Is my boyfriend a bad person? No. He is not.

Does my boyfriend ask for consent for most things like sex? Yes, absolutely.

But it seems like my body has an open invitation for being groped lately, and I’m finally fed up with it.

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