#just cried uncontrollably for like 20 mins

[1ovestay]

won’t lie, experiencing some horrors

[aquamarina7]

Yin & Yang- A realistic story of Zutara & Kataang

Okay, so after obsessing over ATLA and my true OTP Zutara, I’ve went away to plan out how things could have panned out (yes it’s 2020 and yes, I should be over this by now). This INCLUDES a Kataang relationship, as I do think that they would have given it a shot, but, as we all know, not everything in your teens works out.

I also figured out how to give Aang a child so that the air nation could be continued through his lineage.

Hope you like it (fyi, this is written in note form rather than full-sentence-fanfiction. Don’t hate me)

Enjoy my obsessiveness :)

           _____________________________________________________

Zutara Head Canon:

•               Kataang post war- Help to get things back to normal across all nations with team Avatar and enjoy many adventures together as a couple. Later, they leave to travel together for 2 years as a couple. They enjoy all their firsts together- first kiss, first ‘I love you’, first ‘time’ together etc.

•               Katara finds herself pregnant at 20

                           —————————————————

•               They move to a deserted Air temple island to live together 

•               After birth of baby Tenzin, Aang’s avatar duties continue to become evermore pressing. Katara is increasingly left alone on air temple island with baby Tenzin.

•               After over a year in the current situation Katara and Aang both share their concerns:

Katara:   -Hates being alone

     - Misses her family

     - Air Temple island means nothing to her

     - Maybe did this all too quickly

     - Tenzin hasn’t even met his Grandparents yet

Aang:  - Underestimated his role as Avatar after beating Sozin. He needs to be all over the kingdoms for his work

     - Hates seeing Katara unhappy. It’s the last thing he wants. He wants to support her in anything that would make her feel better

     - In the long term, the future of the air nation is important to him

     -  Maybe they were a bit young to settle down like this, with so much going on with their life still

•               They both agree it’s best for all parties for them to split amicably. Katara moves back to the Southern Water Tribe to be around family, Aang goes with her for the move, and stays a while to see them settle.

                          ——————————————————

•               Katara spends a few years in the southern water tribe. She often see’s Sokka and Suki when they return from their own lives. She grows close to Suki as she updates her of the lives of others in the other kingdoms.

      - Toph and Uncle Iroh live in the earth kingdom. They have become close (to Zuko’s jealousy) and Toph see’s him as a parent, he, her as a daughter

      - Mai broke up with Zuko 2 years ago, she became overwhelmed with the life and pressures of a ‘to-be-fire lady’ she was never the type of girl to be ordered about, constrained and smile for the pleasure of others. Since then he has only had short flings with beautiful fire nation women who happen to stumble around the palace - This has caused strain on Suki’s relationship with Sokka, as often when Zuko and Sokka are together, Sokka seems to get involved with these ‘ladies’ as well. Katara can often sense when they are around, when they are fighting, always over the same thing-Sokka’s behaviour in the Fire Nation with Zuko. She tries to reason with him, make him appreciate Suki; often it’s too late and Suki deploys  herself to some mission with the Kirosi warriors, not to be seen again in months. She is not one to sit around and be walked over. However, most times when she returns, they kiss and make up.

•               While living with the southern water tribe they find Tenzin is an airbender. Aang is thrilled and can’t contain his excitement, however, Tenzin is still too young to go through any proper training, Katara protests.

•               Katara’s father and family LOVE Aang- he fits perfectly

•               Aang often updates Katara on all that is happening- he is working closely with Zuko on the plans for Republic City, rebuilding of the earth kingdom and plans for the air nation and the breeding of flying bison (rumours that there may be a few bison spotted in the mountains of the old air kingdom and Aang is following these)

•               Katara over the years has become a southern water tribe political representative and plans to work closely with them with to reconnect with the other nations

                        ———————————————————

•               Katara (26) Aang (24) Tenzin (5)- Katara decides to make the move to the fire kingdom for work where the main plans about republic city and the reunification of the water nations are happening.

•               Aang is thrilled as much of his time is spent flying between the south pole and fire nation. This means he can spend even more time with them. He even insists for them to live with him in the small home he has in the fire nation.

•               The move goes well and Katatra’s work really takes off. Aang still is needed in many places but they get to spend a lot more time as a family. Katara gets to see much more of extended team avatar

                     —————————————————————

•               On Tenzin’s 6th birthday Aang makes a very special request. He would like to start Tenzin’s airbending and spiritual training. We wants to take him with him to find the bisons. This will be a year long trip with limited contact.

•               Katara is hesitant, however, does understand the need for his airbending training to start (especially since his untrained bending is smashing a lot of her stuff), she also has a lot going on at work and would love Aang and Tenzin to spend some long 1on1 time together.

•               On the day they leave Katara has packed ‘the kitchen sink’ for Tenzin. “I think you may have forgotten the concept of a monk” Aang jokes nervously, knowing he cannot possibly take all of this with him on a pilgrimage. They settle on halving it and he promises to contact her as soon as they make to the earth kingdom. She sends him with some rare herbs and ice stones from the south that she insists he must get to Iroh and Toph. Aang makes her promise to look out for Zuko as he’s worried about him.

                        ————————————————————

•               Katara keeps her promise and after a meeting one day stops Zuko for a chat. He invites her out to dinner to catch up later that evening at one of the top restaurants in the fire nation.

•               When Katara arrives, she is told the table is not ready and to wait for the Fire Lord’s arrival. She waits another 40 mins, only to find Zuko sat at the table with 2 very young, very pretty fire ladies. She bursts into the curtained room. “If you invite me somewhere Zuko, HOW DARE you have me waiting while to drool over some eye candy!” she shouts and storms off. Zuko tries to chase her but cannot exit without making quite a commotion as fire lord.

•       ��       The next day he stops while she’s leaving a meeting and apologises. He suggests reorganising the dinner. Katara declines and says she will make the plans this time. Dinner at her house, not some swanky restaurant.

•               Zuko arrives (by carriage) and is shocked by Aang’s small home “he’s the avatar, isn’t he? what’ happened?” “he’s a Monk Zuko, worldly possessions don’t matter to him”

•               Katara updates Zuko on her time with Tenzin on air temple island. Zuko tell her about finding his mother. Azula. He says he hasn’t had a home cooked meal in 3 years. He likes it

•               Over the months Zuko comes for dinner, once a week, then twice, then most nights. They learn everything about each other. They laugh, catch up. She convinces him to choose 1 girlfriend and try to make it work. One time that fire lady comes to meet Katara. Sokka finds it weird when he comes to visit and Zuko walks in for dinner. He jokes how weird this will be when Aang returns. They both awkwardly laugh.

•               After 5 months pass, Zuko suggests dinner at the palace- he will cook.  He struggles. The food is bad, Katara tries to hide it. Zuko is frustrated

•               He takes her to the turtle-duck pond and explains he has ended things with his girlfriend as his heart lies with someone else. He moves in to kiss her and she pulls away “I don’t know how I feel about this Zuko? With Aang, and you and-” Katara backs away and leaves in a hurry.

•               She disappears and goes to visit Toph. Toph has just found out she is pregnant, and the father left after finding out. Toph is in a state. She hates the idea of being pregnant. She hates the idea of giving birth. She doesn’t like the idea of a restriction on her life. She hates the father. She cries to Katara “I just wish I had the chance to really love someone and have them love me back”.

•               Katara leaves for the fire nation the next day. She rushes to the palace, through the guards, into Zuko’s office and kisses him. “I think I love you Zuko” she cries “I know I do” Zuko replies and pulls her in.

                                ————————————————————

•               Zuko suggests Katara to go with him to the earth kingdom later that week on his trip to see Uncle Iroh. Katara agrees (she probably needs to explain to Toph why she bailed on her) Katara spends the week worrying about pretty much everything from what she’s going to wear to whether this relationship is viable.

•               Zuko picks her up and they travel- things have unusually become awkward between them.

•               When they arrive at Uncle Iroh’s he is happy to see Katara. He tells her all about when Aang and Tenzin stopped to see him over their first cup of tea. Zuko smiles at the sight of Katara lighting up at the sound of her son

•               In the evening Zuko stumbles around Katara. He struggles to be his usual smooth self. They sit on the porch and Katara surprises him by taking his hand. He burns her out of shock. She runs around looking for water. Iroh sees it all.

•               When Katara is asleep Iroh talks to Zuko. He can see what is happening. He advises him to relax. The pressure that he is under is all in his head. They plan something special together.

•               Katara goes to see Toph the next day. Explains to her why she left. Explains what is happening between her and Zuko. Toph laughs uncontrollably. She tells her Zuko’s heartbeat always used to race when she was around.

•               Katara goes back to the Jasmine Dragon in the evening to find the tea shop dripping in candles and totally transformed. Zuko is sat in the middle with a plate of dumplings (Iroh made) they confront their worries and express their love. They kiss- no fire this time.

                                ————————————————

•               Over the next few months they grow together. Zuko helps Katara move into a new place. Katara studies the art of healing, Zuko if gifted a dragon’s egg, he incubates it for months and firebends it to keep warm, Zuko continues to try and pass off his chef’s cooking as his own, Katara laughs.

                             ————————————————————————

•               As summer returns once again, Katara prepares for Aang and Tenzin’s return. There is also a huge festival in town to celebrate summer’s Longer Days. Everyone is headed to the fire nation to celebrate.

•               When Aang returns Tenzin (7) had grown so tall. He wears monk robes and has beads in his hair, however, Katara is relieved he is just as excitable and energetic as he was before, though, he does take mediations 4 times a day very seriously.  He has sworn off meat and politely turns down the traditional southern tribe meal she has prepared for some chili bread instead. He and Aang talk in an impenetrable rhythm and Katara loves to hear them dance around each other about their travels.

•               Aang is called to the Palace for a seeing with Zuko.  Zuko is very nervous and Aang can tell. They talk business a short while. He thanks Zuko for moving Katara and looking out for her. “She’s so much more happy lately” “Well that’s because of you and Tenzin returning” Zuko panics “No, even when we wrote to her while we were away; I expected her to be panicked, manic even! You know her. But she was so supportive and I could really feel like she was putting herself first for once” 

Zuko takes him to see his dragon egg. Zuko is nervous and every time he begin to open up about what has happened over his time away he trips over his words, looses his confidence or beings smoking out his ears. 

Aang senses his tenseness and drags him outside excitedly- this is a perfect chance to show his friend the new meditation techniques he’s learnt on his travels. They sit across from each other on the grass cross-legged. Aang gets him into a state of serenity and openness and the words begin to fall from Zuko’s mouth. “If you want to kill me, I understand. Some would duel, an Agni Kai, banishment? However you want to deal with me, I just want you to know I respect you and your decision, whatever it may be, and I truly love Katara” Zuko bows at the feet of Aang (something a  fire lord would never be seen to do).  

“This is………..WILD!” Aang springs up. Zuko peers up slightly from his stance. “I mean this is crazy! You two together, I mean I really should have seen this coming” he chats to himself “So this means you are…?” Zuko asks. Aang lifts Zuko up to his feet. “You make each other happy. I can see it. And I’m happy for you” Zuko uncharacteristically pulls Aang in for a tight hug and Aang can feel him warming up. “Zuko. You can let go know” Aang squeaks after a few too many moments pass. Zuko quickly lets go and clears his throat “erm, yeah. Thanks man” he casually shakes out when wiping away a tear.

                         ——————————————————————

•               2 years pass. Zuko continues to come for dinners and stay the night, this time with Tenzin around and often Aang is a welcome guest. Aang and Tenzin are inseparable, and they raise their newly born bison together. When Aang leaves for his duties Tenzin cries but is comforted by his favourite gifts from his Uncle Zuko- a blanket, dream catcher, and stuffed toy bison. He also shows him cool fire tricks and helps with his training. Zuko’s dragon finally hatches, he names it Heti and becomes overly maternal to it. Its heart-warming for Katara to see him in a parental light and confirm to her, a future with him is possible.

•               One summer, while Aang is away, Zuko takes Katara and Tenzin to Ember Island for a rare holiday. Tenzin plays in the sand and creates mischievous sand tornadoes. Katara water bends waves and teaches Zuko to surf, Zuko host bonfires in the evening and fights with Katara to tell stories of their adventures to Tenzin. He loves them.

Katara (28) Aang (26) Zuko (29) Tenzin (9)

·       Zuko proposes on he and Katara’s first trip to the Southern Water tribe. They planned to go to introduce him properly to her people. Zuko was reluctant to leave Heti behind as he is too young to be in such cold, however, feels assured that he left him with Aang to take care of. (Tenzin is also there, and he and Heti get on like a house on fire). When he arrives he can barely stand the cold and finds it weird to sleep all together in huts rather than the large separate rooms he grew up in. Katara’s father teaches him to fish, he listens to the issues of the community as fire lord, he races Sokka on the wolves. He eats traditional food and tracks the stars. One night, when the moon is at it’s fullest Zuko gets down on one knee and proposes to Katara with a green emerald ring. When she accepts, he releases fire-bent fireworks from his palms and they watch awe (he tell her how he has been trying to perfect this technique for months for this very moment) “it’s perfect” she whispers.

·       Zuko and Katara get married 8 months later. A small ceremony on Ember Island with their close ones. Iroh officiates, Sokka cries, Aang grins, Toph whoops. They dance on the beach and partake in a special tea ceremony. 

Katara’s coronation as Fire Lady is much larger. It’s in the fire nation, thousands gather, Zuko has never seen her so beautiful-he is shocked. She moves into the palace and he finally has someone to share his large bed with. Tenzin hides from his tutor in the palace, however, when he’s around, Zuko seems to always know the spots where he is hiding. Aang decides to fully become a monk and swears off his home, possessions, romantic relationships and money. Katara’s marriage and role as fire lady finally unifies the fire and water nations and installs confidence into the water tribes.

                                      ----------------------------------------------------

·       In Katara’s first pregnancy, Zuko is overprotective and nervous. He never seems to catch the baby kicking. He paces for hours when Katara is in labour. It scares him when he hears her screams and, breaking tradition, he runs in to comfort her. They have a Son- Iroh II - a firebender.

·       On her second pregnancy a year and a half later the opposite happens, the baby kicks all night and Zuko always feels it. Katara is exhausted most of the time and feels bigger than a whale. She waddles around the garden most days with Zuko and Heti by her side. She gives birth in what feels like seconds, on the floor of Zuko’s study. It turns out to be twins- A boy, Roku (Waterbender), and a Girl, Zaya (Firebender).

·       Katara’s 3rd pregnancy is quite a few years later and quite a surprise to Zuko. It is in the winter and Zuko spends most nights keeping his wife and baby warm. Roku is the only one who seems to make the baby kick. They baby is 2 weeks late. Zuko tries everything to try and get Katrara onto labour, hot chillies, water therapy, even a very bad song, which doesn’t start labour, but makes Katara laugh. She never lets him forget it, to his embarrassment. They finally have a girl, a waterbender named Kya.

                           ----------------------------------------------------------

·       As Tenzin grows, he goes on more trips with his father, then pilgrimages of his own. He balances out into quite the soothing personality. When he is home the children seem to calm down and listen to him more than anyone- to Zuko’s delight. He gives them all lessons in mediation and control of their bending. He wrestles with the twins, feeds the baby and practices duelling with Iroh. Most of all he lays and trains with Heti- he seems to have a way with animals.

·       Iroh is smart and dedicated to mastering bending. He and Tenzin often disappear and return days later having learnt and, quite dangerously, trying out new styles they have read- these often end up with someone getting hurt or something in the house brunt or smashed. Katara is constantly chasing them to stop. Zuko watches them, takes notes and tries it himself late at night while no one is around (lol).

·       The twins are the loudest and are always at odds. They embody the yin and yang-ness of fire and water and each other. Unlike their parents, they have not found the point of balance between the two. They only time they seem to get along is when they are up to mischief, which is the only thing they seem to agree on. Ruko is confident with bending, Zaya is scared of hers, it takes her much longer to bend. She often trains with Uncle Aang to teach her not to fear fire and how to bend it.

·       Kya is cheeky and a daddy’s girl. Often Zuko can be found late at night having worked late with a sleeping Kya on his chest, both snoring. She seems to be able find water anywhere and someone in the palace can always find her in a wet mess.

                 ---------------------------------------------------------------

·       Tenzin continues his father’s mission through is life to resurrect the air nation with his own wife and children. He also finds and nurtures the first heard of Bison the world has seen in a century.

·       Iroh goes onto become a master firebender. He works to write down the art of firebending and at the age of 42 becomes Fire Lord.

·       The twins in their youth go on to become to become pro-benders and compete as a team- to their fathers distain- it is unbecoming as prince and princess. As they mature, Roku travels the world and Zaya goes on to become a general in the army

·       Kya as an adult moves to the southern water tribe permanently to live with the water benders as a healer. 

·       Katara and Zuko live a long life together. Katara finds her job as Fire Lady challenging and uncomfortable at times and argues with Zuko and the council about tradition. Zuko becomes an honourworthy Fire Lord and is respected by all. They together are remembered as the shining example of cooperation and love for all opposites and nations.

                 -----------------------------FIN-------------------------------

[Forgive me for having any age gaps or locations wrong]

[racingbarakarts]

I’m taking time off work and time away from people to focus on my mental health and I made a list of all the things that have caused me to have full on mental breakdowns this week, and keep in mind it’s only Friday:

1. I won Among Us and my husband went to clap for me but the clap scared me and I started sobbing uncontrollably

2. I dropped my pill bottle while walking

3. I dropped the same pill bottle 2 hours later after I already cried about it

4. I was trying to get comfy in bed and accidentally threw my whole blanket off the bed

5. The conditioner dropped in the shower

6. The garbage man didn’t go slow over the speed bumps so the truck made a really loud noise

7. I made it to work in 25 min instead of 20, which is my usual time it takes. I wasn’t late or anything, just didn’t like that

8. I made spaghetti and I didn’t like it

9. Trash can broke

10. Went to go shopping for food but I forgot a mask and they were out of masks at the store so I had to go home

11. Gas spilled while refilling my car, got on my tires

12. My coworker accidentally hit my chair while walking by

13. My boss asked if I was okay

And before anyone asks, I’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests that all came back negative so I think I’m just one soft bitch ya know

[peakyblinderswhore]

sets of tens 👄

jail.

10. Best thing to say in an elevator of strangers?

“i hope no one’s manifested i die in this lift today.”

20. Last thing you cried about?

for no reason? uncontrollably fond. with reason? that i want to drop out of college.

30. Have you ever had braces?

ye do not recommend my orthodontist

40. Umbrella or rain coat?

i like looking into the eyes of my cat callers so they can see my empty soul within as i stare them down so umbrella

50. Talk about something you’re passionate about.

i could just marry min yoongi today

60. What size shoe do you wear?

uk size 5, which i believe is a us women’s 9? i got a pair of nikes while i was over there and had to guess the sizes in the shop until they fit

70. Favorite dessert?

ice cream? i’m not a massive cake fanatic unfortunately. no bake cheesecake slaps tho.

80. Has your opinion changed on something recently?

grace. you gUYS! i used to love her and then i’m reading all these debates you’re all having and i —

90. What’s something you wish you had more knowledge about?

art.

100. How would you celebrate your 100th birthday?

throw a rager with jesus.

[amysubmits]

Hi it’s anon that doesn’t feel like I get punished. When we have had spankings in the past it worked for me but one of the last times I was like uncontrollably crying for 20 min. He went easier since then, and then stopped. Also one time during play, a hit that landed wrong hurt and bruised me for over a week, I cried a lot then but composed myself. Perhaps that has something to do with it. We have an app so that’s why he calls on unchecked things at the end of the day.

I also want to add that my crying was more of a release from remorse from being disrespectful and also from a stress relief from the week. The him hitting me hard was an honest mistake during play, the paddle landed at the end and hit wrong. I think he’s reserved his spanking play and punishment although we still have maintenance Monday’s. I got a very pleasant one last night. I just don’t get punished though. Not lines not time out nothing. I don’t do much wrong. But crave the structure.

Yeah it makes sense that he may have struggled with seeing you cry and/or seeing you bruise. When I first cried (at all) during a spanking and again when I first really broke down (sobbed) during a punishment CD and I had big heart-to-heart discussions because we both felt like we needed to make sure this was still okay and still what we both wanted. For some reason crossing those new lines the first time felt like a time where we needed to pause and kinda check ourselves. We both were fine with it so we continued but we needed that heart to heart check in. Those deep feelings that can be caused by crying (or seeing the person you love cry) can bring up some insecurities or questions so talking through that, even though it was a while ago at this point, might be helpful for you both. I can also understand how you can struggle more with feeling like there is a lack of accountability when you used to get spanked for things that he is now just reminding you of so I’d just try to explain to him how you are struggling with that change. 

[imriya]

K Drama List

Okay yeah I told myself I wouldn’t do this but I lied. This is a list of all the K Drama’s I’ve watched. Ratings and all

1. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo

Rating: 8/10

This was it. This drama got me hooked onto drama’s! It was so cute and carefree and the iconic ‘Do you like Messi?’ line still gets me every damn time! I loved the chemistry between the leads and although I thought I would get second lead syndrome, it was impossible not to fall in love with  Joon-Hyung. The only reason it didn’t get a 10/10 was because of the other dramas I’ve watched

2. Thumping Spike 2

Rating: 2/10

I don’t even know why I finished this drama but this was the worst drama I have ever watched! I stopped watching for a while because of this. The storyline, the acting, the girl was incredibly annoying and so was the second lead. Honestly would recommend this to anyone who wants to quit dramas cold turkey

3. Uncontrollably Fond

Rating: 9/10

TEARS! THERE WERE LOADS AND LOADS OF TEARS! I am not an emotional person at all so the fact that this drama got me to cry was just...honestly I cant! I was hooked from the second episode and finished this within 3 days even though I had finals that week. Bae Suzy took some getting used to but GOD DAMN KIM WOO BIN AND HIS AMAZING ACTING SKILLS! just get your tissues ready is all im saying especially for the last episode

4. Goblin

Rating: 9.5/10

I watched this two days after recovering from uncontrollably fond only because i saw it all over twitter. I was super skeptical coming into this but I just couldn’t help myself and it was probably the best decision I have ever made! The acting from the whole cast and the cinematography was just brilliant! At no point of this drama would you be bored I can assure you that much. I fell in love with the Grim Reaper and the whole twist it was just brilliant! I still tear up when I think about this drama. I went through more tissues for this more than any other drama I have ever watched

5. Heartless City/ Cruel City

Rating: 9/10

THE TWISTS OF THIS DRAMA OH MY LORD! At the end of every episode you are guaranteed a twist you would have never guessed! This drama kept me on my toes and kept me up at night. The acting was amazing but at times the female lead can get on your nerves so just be patient but the female interactions are amazing and I wish more drama’s gave us that. The male leads were all hot af which makes it so so easy to watch but really the friendships and relationships is what keeps this drama so amazing. it’s more of a psychological thriller than it is a romantic one but if you do want to get into psychological thrillers then i would highly recommend this one

6. W: Two worlds

Rating: 5.5/10

I didn’t finish this one because it got wayyy too repetitive. It was good for like the first 12 episodes then I had to force myself to keep watching. I liked the concept of a comic book character coming to life and switching between worlds but I thought it dragged on for way too long and just couldn’t bear to keep watching. The chemistry seemed a little forced but the acting by Lee-Jong Suk was the only reason I kept watching - amazing!

7. The Heirs

Rating: 6.5/10

THE SECOND LEAD SYNDROME IS SO BAD SO PREPARE YOURSELVES! I was recommended this by a lot of people to watch with Boys Over Flowers but after watching this and suffering my second lead syndrome I just couldn’t keep watching. It got too draggy and too repetitive at times like yes I get it - You’re rich and she is not. The female character was incredibly annoying but other than that and the second lead syndrome this was alright. My favourite character will forever be Chan Young that little cutie

8. City Hunter

Rating: 7/10

This was...wow! The stunts and the cinematography was amazing! Hats off to Kim- Sang Joong for his amazing portrayal of Lee Jin Pyo! This drama will really keep you on your toes especially with all the fights and the couple of twists

9. She Was Pretty

Rating: N/A

I couldn’t get past the 3rd episode. It bored me from the start and was incredibly cringy at times. Maybe I will try to watch it again but I just couldn’t watch the whole ‘oh i used to be pretty but now im super ugly.’ trope.

10. Scarlet Heart Ryeo

Rating: 3/10

Reminder: that this is a personal opinion list

Every time I tell someone I didn’t like this drama I get very bad looks but I just couldn’t with this drama man! I forced myself to finish it. It was really interesting at the start and I loved it but after the 13th episode (and I know cause I looked) I was so bored and it just annoyed me to no end. This drama really put me off period dramas and till now I can’t watch any. The first lead and her fizzled off and the fact that almost every guy was in love with her just made me roll my eyes. The drama dragged on for way too long and the ending sucked. This is probably the worst one I watched after Thumping Spike. I stopped watching drama’s for a while because of it. The only saving grace was Nam Joo Hyuk

11. Legend of the Blue Sea

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS WAS THE CUTEST DRAMA! I put off watching this for a while because of the whole mermaid thing but I regret it so much! It was so cute and the acting was on point! I cried so much during the last episode oh lord! The love story was funny, moving, so well developed and it was adorable from start to finish! This drama will make you laugh, cry, pissed off at times but it was just...I wish I could erase my memories and watch it again! Warning: you will fall in love with Tae-O

12. Bride of Habaek

Rating: 4/10

I was so disappointed with this drama, i had such high expectations and it just...Okay so I finished it because of Krystal and Gong Myung and how adorable their relationship is. This drama was adapted from the manga and i have to say that the manga was way better. The lead actress was so annoying and other than ‘I am a God you can’t treat/say/do this to me’ Nam Joo Hyuk really doesn’t have any other lines. Watch at your own risk.

13. School 2017

Rating: 9/10

THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD DRAMA! It was adorable while also teaching a lot about society nowdays. I loved the fact that it was supportive rather than pitting leads against leads like drama’s usually do. It was so cute and funny and just made my insides go ASJSFJSFJSHFSF because of the chemistry and how relevant the stories were.

14. Strong Woman Do Bong Soon

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS IS THE CUTEST DRAMA IF YOU WANT A BREAK FROM CRYING OR LIFE! Min min and Bong Bong OH I CANNOT! It was funny and cute and a little supernatural but trust me you will love it! This one will make you roll on the ground and pause just to squeal bc CUTENESS! Get me a guy like him pls

15. My Secret Romance

Rating: 8/10

This is kind of like Strong Woman but without the supernatural powers. A lot of resemblance with the whole CEO and girl who is working in the company except this one involves a one night stand and a female lead that can get on your nerves a little but other than that it was adorable and cute and definitely gives you a break from the crying dramas

16. Oh My Venus

Rating: 8.5/10

So this is a story about a fat girl who wants to lose weight and gets (read as: manipulates) a world famous trainer to help her boom they fall in love. It was really cute and the relationship between all of the cast just does things to my heart! It’s really worth the watch and the ending just had me on the floor! Also abs abs abs abs ERRYWHERE

17. While You Were Sleeping

Rating: 9.5/10

I just finished this drama like 3 days back and OH MY GOD! BEST DRAMA I HAVE EVER WATCHED! The chemistry between the two leads killed me! The twists and the character development and the directing and the cinematrograhy and the ACTING OH MY GOD! I have never watched a drama like this before! The supernatural and the real life scenarios were just...WOW!

18. Descendants of the Sun

Rating: 9.5/10

THIS FRICKIN DRAMA! I finished this in 2 days! It was that addicting and amazing! Both the lead and the side couple were brilliant! The acting was amazing the chemistry was even better! The fact that they also focus on the rest of the cast and the growth development of every single damn character is what got me! THE OST FOR THIS IS STILL ON MY PLAYLIST! I love this drama so much it’s in my top 5

19. Healer

Rating: 8.5/10

The reason it took me so long to watch this was because I read somewhere that it wasn’t worth the watch and that person is wrong! The concept of this drama is different but all episodes work towards one goal which i wanna say but will be a spoiler. The ending will have you shook

20. My Love From Another Star

Rating: 8.5/10

THIS FRICKIN DRAMA! It was really good and I loved the chemistry (which I know I say a lot) but really man! Chong Seong Hee is like an onion -  she has layers and there is also an alien but really man this drama killed it! I had very low expectations from it and it seriously proved me wrong. There is this one scene with the lead’s camera...just...get tissues. I teared but did not cry bc im a strong woman with no emotions

21. Pinocchio

Rating: N/A

I couldn’t get past the 7th episode. It bored me and I just found myself rolling my eyes at it a lot. I will try and rewatch this one day but just not any time in the near future.

22. Fight For My Way

Rating: 9.5/10

I COULD NOT STOP WATCHING! This drama was amazing! 4 best friends who just live life and the character development and the romance and friendship is literally goals! It was lighthearted but also got serious when it needed to be! It’s amazing and I would totally watch it again and again! I love Ae Ra’s aegyo she’s adorable <3

23. Suspicious Partner

Rating: 8/10

The start was a little rocky but after that it really grew on me. I would watch it in between classes and what not the cliffhangers just had me biting on my nails and the romance didn’t seemed forced or anything it was overall pretty alright and as a law student i loved the law part of it hehe

24. Hospital Ship

Rating: N/A

I will definitely be coming back to this but I had to stop midway for a bit. I loved the slow burn romance and also how that wasn’t the main plot of the story. I also loved the character interactions and how you can literally see the growth of each character after every episode.

25. Cheese in The Trap 

Rating: 1.5/10 

This drama is just super creepy with the stalker and his ‘dark tendencies’. It had me cringing and hating the fact that I had to keep watching. The only saving grace was Baek In Ho with his witty banter and constant support. The SLS is really strong in this drama. Baek In Ha was just cringy and annoying overall 

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

So yesterday I got straight fed up. So around 6 pm, I was delivered to J's doorstep. He warned me that he'd had a shit week & wouldn't be social, but I reassured him that I just needed to gtf away from everyone here (including the dogs) & that I would happily bring stuff to entertain myself, tucked into a corner of the couch with the cats.

I showed up & went out to the balcony where he was to smoke. Apparently I looked... not good, because he glanced over, set down his phone, got up, and wrapped his arms around me. I guess it was worse than I thought because I immediately burst into tears & proceeded to just sob for like 20 mins.

Our night proceeded as usual. He drank, sent ill advised texts to the chick he's been 'talking to' for a few months (note: do NOT like her because she plays mind games & strings him along, fucking with his head & self esteem. Fuck that bitch) while we talk & watch random shit.

The random new stuff we did: worked on the coffee table I acquired for him that he's sanded & is staining; worked on attempting to unmat the hair on his bowling ball cat while the smaller thinner sister yelled about wanting more wet food; last but not least, he pondered what he'd look like with full eye makeup, so The Spawn brought us my supplies at 1130 pm.

Side note: he looked gorgeous (considering I was doing liquid liner while he swayed) & i convinced him to allow me to take photos after swearing to show nobody but The Spawn.

We were up til 5 am. But around 430, I had a full on overwhelmed by the bleak prospect of my future break down, so he held me in his lap being soothing & lovely while I uncontrollably cried.

During this whole night, The Spawn only contacted me for help with biz stuff, then when I asked for makeup. Then this morning she called asking if she needed to do Bailey's meds, then again to ask about painting supplies. When J brought me home at like 230, she told him that he needs to "keep mom longer in the future because I love her but she's here ALL THE TIME and that can't be healthy." He told her some shit about how antisocial he is as he was leaving, but when she was out of earshot told me that I know I'm welcome over any time.

Honestly, I think until last night, he had under estimated how badly i was doing... just like everyone else because #1 I'm so good at hiding it & #2 I deflect by taking care of him. But taking care of him makes me feel better. Any time he looks distressed or sad I just want to run my fingers through his hair, tell him nice things, make him laugh, & remind him he is loved. (Especially with this fucking chick making him feel like he is legitimately unlovable. I want her dead or at least maimed. How fucking dare she.)

Aaaaand now we are back to normal Spawn programming where she's frustrated about something regarding her biz, asks me & grandpa's advice, then gets bitchy when we give suggestions & tips based on our experiences. YAY! After calling her out on it, she snapped that she's the only one who has done research, and I said that she wasn't because I did research before sinking time into building her damned website. She told me that "there's no need for your attitude" & I told her that I'm out. If she wants business advice, go talk to grandpa or her uncle because I'm super done. I'll alter the site or whatever, but that's it. Tech support. The end.

I'm done getting my head ripped off & everything I saw shit on when she asks for help. Done. And shockingly this is part of why I'm so overwhelmed & depressed. Super surprising, right?

If you haven't had kids, fucking don't.

Also don't steal my life or stories from my life. Fuck off.

[nct-markeureee-blog]

g e t  to  k n o w  me tag

 asjkh tagged by @donghyuckstudies + @taebreez <3<3<3<3 ahh ily guys :3

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning, when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

1) Are you named after someone? nopee

2) When is the last time you cried? i cried so much when nct had their first win --  but the last time i cried was an hour ago bc i studied so hard for a test and i did it today and it was hard and i feel like i failed and i probably did fail and the idea of failing just kills me so so much omg i cant ok bye

3) Do you like your handwriting? yeap my writing is pretty good to be honest! but sometimes when i take notes i just look at the board and write/copy at the same time and then i look at my writing after im done and its just .... ... hahahahahahaha

4) What is your favourite lunch to eat? S U S H I i love sushi so so much like adlkj i can eat this sole creation for the rest of my life

i also like tempura shrimp/veggieeess

5) Do you have kids? sorry i aint no Teen Mom ,., but i dont plan to be a mom ever so ye

6) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? ahh i think i would tbh i feel like im a really nice and caring and selfless and social person in my opinion and i think im just a good friend material ! at least i hope so ? lol

7) Do you use sarcasm? no omg i never use sarcasm and tbhhhh sometimes i get sad when people use mean sarcasm even tho the point of sarcasm is not to get mad/sad welppp

8) Do you still have your tonsils? ya lol are tonsils that bad to be a question idk

9) Would you bungee jump? ohmg yeeee i think i would be down and then 5 mins before i jump ill be like what kind of shit did i just get myself into 

10) What is your favourite kind of cereal? ahh i dont really eat cereal/oatmeal but i like cinnamon toast crunch or those cereals with clusters i despise fruit loops hmm what

11) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? my shoelaces are always untied lmao whoops

12) Do you think you’re a strong person? holy shit not even a million ‘no’s would be able to emphasize how un-strong of a person i am especially when it comes to grades

13) What is your favourite ice cream flavour? im not into ice cream(except for matcha ice cream) but i like fruit sorbets! 

14) What is the first thing you notice about people? facial features? and then probably their height

15) Red or pink? i dont like both ,, BUT MARK LIKES PINK SO PINK

16) What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself? my body/weight in general 

17) What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? black ~shorts~(even tho its winter) and no shoes

18) What was the last thing you ate? the last legit thing was asian stir fry veggies but i just tried an “orange cream yogurt raisin” rn that tasted weird

19) What are you listening to right now? nothing but the last thing i did was Good Thing -  N  C  T. T T T T 

(whenever i feel sad though (like rn) i would listen to Tomorrow-BTS)

20) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? yellow because like its all nice and bright and pretty and everyone uses yellow but then the second the yellow crayon touches/mixes with a darker colour the crayon gets ruined and no one wants to use the yellow crayon anymore ://

21) Favourite smell? juicy couture smells really goood and mens cologne asdjkf

22) Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my friend she asked me to send her some notes for the TEST WHICH i failed

23) Favourite sport to watch? ahhhhhhhh i love soccer(fifa) and volleyball matches and then i loooveeee watching all the olympics sports collectively yeet

24) Hair colour? my natural hair colour is like a standard chestnut brown but i dyed it a golden brown-blonde but its been 6 months since i last redyed it and half my hair is brown again and idk whether ill switch to my natural hair colour or redye it

25) Eye colour?  chestnut

26) Do you wear contacts? i wear glasses(near-sighted) but my eyesight is good enough to see properly w/out glasses so contacts are unnecessary technically

27) Favourite food to eat? S U S H I. Sushi!

28) Scary movies or comedy? comedy hands down i love the feeling of laughing so hard that you’re just uncontrollably wheezing and hyperventilating asjkfs 

29) Last movie you watched? idek i dont watch movies but i watch NCT videos and kdramas

30) What colour of shirt are you wearing? im not wearing a shirt wearing a zip up fleece turtleneck sweater thats like an amalgamate of white, beige, dark green, brown, dark teal colours its rlly pretty and comfy 

31) Summer or winter? im a canadian so winter but last week i literally fell six times in a row from the snow/ice and i couldnt move and i got sick so winter rn ihy pls end rn

32) Hugs or kisses? im a 15 year old hormonal teenage girl so this question makes me hormonal i feel like i dont really see a difference i think that if the action is sincere and genuine i would enjoy/prefer both equally

33) What book are you currently reading? other than webtoons i never really read any books other than school textbooks(current one im reading is “Object Oriented Programming: an intro to java” or sm like that)

34) Who do you miss right now? i dont really miss anyone i think ppl enter and leave my life for a reason i just miss this person that i loved so much named Good GrADES ;-; yes i am still salty i will forever be salty

35) What is on your mouse pad? im on a laptop so uh ,,

36) What is the last TV program you watched? do kdramas count? The Shining Eun Soo(my first and fav >25 ep kdrama) 

NCT LIFE PLS I AM WAITING EVERYDAY

37) What is the best sound? MARK LEES LAUGH SMILE EXISTENCE i like the sound of good grades

38) Rolling Stone or the Beatles? i feel like this preference is worthless because i know neither and i only listen to kpop but i guess the beatles?

39) What is the furthest you have ever travelled? Egypt 

40) Do you have a special talent? after months of careful bs i have developed the skill of crafting excellent academic essays that require some sort of reading(novel, article, idk)  ...,,, without actually ,,reading

41) Where were you born? toronto, canada

42) People you expect to participate in this? “expect” UhM i tag everyone!

@nctgiri @taeiloves @why-jaehyun @jaehyyunn @jenowhat @1aeil MY GOOD CHINGUS sorry if you’ve already been tagged lmao 

[jahntang]

These are my farewell gifts from my Nepali Godbrothers! A keychain with a cross of my favourite colour (turquoise!) and a beautiful personal Rosary.

They may not be the most lavish of gifts but certainly the most heartfelt ones.

  On the last night before I left Melaka, after saying our Rosary together, I was shocked when Felix suddenly turned to me and said:

“John, I want to give you this Rosary.”

“ Why?! But you really love this Rosary!”

I’ve often seen him just staring and admiring his Rosary with the most adoring grin.

He would often tell me, “Wah … I really like this Rosary … So beautiful lah.”

He replied:

“Because I want to give you something but I don’t have anything else to give you.”

Those words really touched the depths of my soul.

“That’s not true. You have given me much more than you can imagine. You prayed for me to receive the Holy Spirit and soon after, I experienced my own spiritual awakening and have been so blessed ever since!”

Indeed, last month on the night before I left Melaka for the first time, Felix had offered to say a healing prayer over me.

I was touched as no one has ever personally done this to me before.

We knelt on the wooden floor, of my room, closed our eyes and prayed.

He prayed charismatically. Something I was not used to nor did I have much prior experience in. He started in English, then transitioned, sometimes in Nepali, sometimes back to in English and finally, towards the end, in tongues. I just followed along, not really sure what to do but imitate the words of prayers I knew.

About a week after during mass, I believe his prayer was fulfilled. Kneeling down to pray after receiving the Body of Christ, I began to weep uncontrollably and unexpectedly! 

It began as drops of tears which I hurriedly wiped away on my shirt.

Then a wave of emotion swept over me and I could no longer think or pray.

My mind became blank, like a black, unresponsive phone screen.

It felt like I was ‘praying with my emotions’.

I smacked my hand onto my face to cover my eyes which were now tightly squeezed shut. I could not breathe. That moment felt like an eternity.

When that passed, the initial tears turned into a ‘waterfall’ of tears and snort and uncontrollable shaking with each inbreath.

In an effort to stem the tears, I tried my best to calm myself down. I took deep breaths, I tried holding my breath, etc but none of it worked!

My parents must have been shocked too. They later told me that they thought I was finally releasing all the pain and emotional trauma I’d gone through over the past 3 years of suffering while battling this autoimmune disease.

However, this was not the case.

In fact, I don’t feel like I have any buried trauma or well of emotions that I’ve been keeping hidden inside. What I was feeling at that point in time was different.

It did not come from inside me, more like outside, and into me.

I felt sorrow and pain, but not mine.

I’m quite sure it was Jesus’ suffering that I was feeling. His agony and pain, albeit just a tiny bit of a tiny bit of it all. 

Even that tiny bit of his passion was too much for my soul to bear and hence the tears flowed ‘like free’.

My mum put her hand over my shoulders.

I dared not open my eyes for fear of releasing a torrent of tears and so I followed the rest of the mass with my eyes closed, standing when everyone stood and sitting when they did. All the while still sobbing and weeping.

Admittedly, it was quite embarrassing!

Finally, at last, after about 20 or 30 mins, I finally calmed down enough to open my eyes.

By this time, the church was empty! Haha.

That memorable mass on the 9th of December, 2017 was the first time I have ever physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually felt ‘touched’ by the Holy Spirit. 

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I can’t remember what happened during my baptism as I was just an infant. Similarly, I don’t remember much from my first Holy Communion nor do I have any deep impression of my Confirmation.

I have never cried or fell down in church as I’ve seen some people do in videos.

So you could say this was my first real spiritual experience.

Later that night, as I was journalling the events of the day, I realized that this day was the 10th day of my new 54-day Rosary devotion that my Godfather, Dr. Sebastian, suggested I try. (At that time I was seeing him for my healing and he was not my Godfather yet)

This 54-day devotion involves saying at least 1 Rosary everyday for a petition (my healing).

For the first 27 days, I would pray for the favor to be granted. The next 27 days would be for thanksgiving, even if the favor was not granted.

Before this, I used to say my Rosaries lying flat on my bed, as a means of falling asleep!

As you can tell, it is not very sincere to say a Rosary like that!

Imagine you were talking to the most important person in the world, like a King of all the Nations or his holiness, Pope Francis.

Would you do that lying down? Of course not! I reckon you’d be standing at the very least.

Similarly, God is more important than all the Kings and Presidents combined and yet here I was ‘worshipping’ him lying flat on my comfortable bed as a means of falling asleep.

I was deeply ashamed when I finally became aware of this.

Thus for this 54-Day devotion, I have been doing it on my knees, in front of an image or statue or icon and saying every prayer out loud whenever possible and reflecting deeply on each mystery with the help of a prayer book to keep me from distracting thoughts or falling asleep.

Truthfully, I have never been more sincere in prayer since.

Back to the incident in mass, on the 10th Day of my devotion to my healing.

Could what happened to me on this day be a mere coincidence? (This days I hesitate to use this word!)

In the Gospels, on the day Jesus ascended into heaven and took his place on God’s right hand, he promised that the Holy Spirit would come upon them all.

But he did not say when or how.

The followers of our Lord then went back to the upper room and persevered in prayers for 9 days. (A Novena means 9 days of continuous prayer for a petition)

On Pentecost Sunday, the 10th day, the Holy Spirit descended on them all.

First, in the form of a sound, “as of a mighty wind coming.” It filled the whole house where they were sitting.

They then saw “parted tongues, as if it were of fire” and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit.

They began to speak different tongues, “as the Holy Spirit gave them to speak” and, filled with apostolic zeal, they went forth from the room to conquer the world.

Conclusion

Coincidence or divine intervention?

Holy Spirit or just me getting emotional?

To believe or to be skeptical?

I guess this is the basis of faith.

I definitely did not plan to cry in church and embarrass myself by making a scene in front of those familiar faces I see every week! (I’m sure everyone around me must have been staring and wondering!)

I did not plan to have the 10th day coincide with the day I go to mass. In fact, we either go for Sunday or Saturday mass so its not fixed.

I had no idea I would cry after receiving Holy Communion. Why not cry during the Rosary on this day?

Anyway I can go on and on and be doubtful like ‘doubting Thomas’, the apostle who doubted Jesus had resurrected because he did not physically see Jesus until Jesus appeared to him and told him to put his hand through his wounds.

However, I firmly believe now that what happened then was a spiritual experience and was sort of the climax of my recent ‘Spiritual Awakening’.

The month leading up to that day, I had already begun to experience numerous events that have slowly brought me closer to God and helped me grow stronger in faith and more fervent in prayer.

And in the two months since this event in church, I have had many more spiritual experiences including and not limited to just weeping in church. There are too many and I’m unsure if I should even be blogging about all this.

Maybe someday I will receive a sign or feeling to write them down, like I have for this post.

Until then,

May you thirst for the Holy Spirit too

May it descent upon you

Come into you

Fill you with God’s Grace

Transform you

Stay with you

Bless you and guide you

All the days of your life

Amen.

  🕊 The Most Precious of Gifts – The Holy Spirit! 🕊 These are my farewell gifts from my Nepali Godbrothers! A keychain with a cross of my favourite colour (turquoise!) and a beautiful personal Rosary.

[jinxiaroo]

i had a mental breakdown today. 4/24/2020.

i have never cried like i cried today, body shaking uncontrolled tears and just wailing at this point. begging my body to just stop. i didnt want to cry. i waited until i had got inside my car. locked the doors and just let it all go for a good solid 20 mins. it felt like a panic attack almost i felt so hopeless. nothing in the world could make me stop. i had no idea what over came me. probably a multitude of things tbh. i could already list a few. im just so tired and exhausated. im burnt out. all i wanted to do is just have someone hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. i just want my brain to turn off. not stress or worry about anyone else. i need to take care of myself. everyone tells me how badass i am because i do so much. but im just barely hanging on at this point. i literally need someone to take over and be like just sit snd not do anything. i came home. cried some more. and now i cant eat. im bleeding from my mouth. im sore. but at least im home. just remember how resilient you are boo. i fucking got this shit. im a independent women who doesnt need anyone.

[redbeautynarcotics]

Two Angels Born In One Day

On Tuesday, August 20th 2019 we lost our twin babies. It has been a doomed pregnancy from the start from the first time that my wife started bleeding and asked me what I thought about it. From the beginning I always tried to cling to hope and reassure her that there was a plausible explanation. A brief Google search would quickly lend to the idea that this was a normal thing that most women go through in the 1st trimester. However, after a few more bouts of bleeding I found myself sitting in class one night when I got a frantic text that my wife needed to go to the ER now!!! I drove 30 minutes as quickly as I could not knowing what was going on, called my neighbor to go check on her, and ripped into the driveway. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that this wasn’t her just making things up but of course I would never go there. Our neighbor offered to watch our 1 year old son since he had already gone to bed for the night and we quickly headed out to the hospital that was only 5 minutes away. What followed was five hours of questions, tests, ultrasounds, and waiting followed by the much anticipated answer that... everything pointed to the twins not making it. It was the scariest place for a parent to be. I knew immediately that we were in for a rough journey. The next day, my wife called her doctor’s office and they brought her in to take another ultrasound and lend their opinion which was strict bed rest. We also had a follow up appointment with a specialist shortly after that and got some better news that there was a chance the babies could make it after all. We of course wanted the best outcome possible and placed our worries aside. For three weeks, my wife laid in bed only getting up to use the bathroom and to shower. I did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and watched our 1 year old as he learned to walk and quickly began to wander all over the house on two legs. It was the best of times... it was the worst of times. Then came August 20th. We woke up early that morning because we had to be at the doctors appointment by 8am. We left the house a little late, ran into traffic, and ended up getting to the office 20 min late. In most cases, we would expect the doctor to stick around, knowing that this was an extremely high risk pregnancy and this was her first real checkup with her assigned OBGYN. Imagine our surprise when we were told she had already left and we would have to either come back 4 hours later or a week from then. We chose to wait in town... a decision that I will wonder about for the rest of my life. The hours went by somewhat quickly, we shopped, we ate, we enjoyed time out of the house. I dropped my wife off at the doctors office yet again and took our son across town to nap. 1.5 hours after her appointment was supposed to begin, I got frantically texted that I had to come help her immediately. I called to see what was going on and my worst fears were realized, she was going into labor. Being that she was at a doctors office, I had the opinion that there would be something that they could do, whether it be comforting her, preventing shock, or at the worst calling an ambulance but of course they chose to do nothing. I somehow got across town in record time, dropping our son off at my sisters who miraculously lived nearby. I then raced into the parking lot, up the stairs and brushed past the reception to find my wife. There she was white as a ghost in an exam room, shaking like a leaf, screaming, and bleeding all at once. I got her to lay down, turned the AC off and ran all around the room looking for a blanket to throw over her. I then ran out of the room to get people to do something, and although I raised my voice and made everybody in the office aware of the situation, nobody cared. That was something I will never understand. Finally, after causing a stir, a nurse practitioner came into her exam room, laughed at me, did a brief exam to see if her cervix was closed and then told me I needed to load my wife in the car and take her to the ER 20 min away through peak rush hour traffic to do a mere “stress test” and see why my wife was freaking out. At no time did I feel that we were being taken seriously or that anybody cared that we were about to lose our twins. So there we went, me driving as quickly as I could, making very slow progress and trying to keep my head clear while my wife screamed in agony. Finally, after waiting at a traffic light for what felt like ages, and seeing blood and parts of her placenta come pouring out, I knew that things had kicked into high gear and I needed to call reinforcements. I pulled into a parking lot and called 9-1-1. The phone took forever to place the call and the ringer dialed for a minute before anybody answered. By the time I got through, my wife was screaming at the top of her lungs over and over and I was afraid to look inside the car to see what was going on. I could barely get through a sentence without sobbing, knowing that this was it for the babies, that we wouldn’t be having them early next year and hearing my wife panicking as she tried not to embrace what was about to happen. Where I had pulled over happened to be a mile away from a really good hospital and it had never occurred to me to take my wife there, since the nurse had made it seem like things were fine and we had just been over-exaggerating. The ambulance and a firetruck showed up and I was asked question after question that I tried to answer as quickly as possible. They put her on a stretcher still screaming, contractions were coming in less then a minute, and I was doing my best not to lose it. The ambulance pulled away and I tried to follow but ended up hitting every single red light along the way. When I got to the hospital, I was in a daze... I called my parents at some point to get their prayers and support and then I went into the ER to find her. I was confronted by a nurse and told I needed to talk to security who not realizing the extremes of the situation told me to wait in the lobby. After a few seconds, someone came and told the security guard to get me in there right away and he personally escorted me back. I am sure that they told him something because he rushed me to my wife’s side, grabbed my shoulder and told me to be strong. When I arrived in the trauma room, the air was filled with the screams of my wife as she continued to not only experience the full pain of child birth but also was on the edge of losing not one baby but two. These screams were so much louder and filled with emotion then the screams she had uttered when she had birthed our son a year before. I took my place at her side, held her hand and did my best not to cry and to calm her. She was administered copious amounts of medication of multiple kinds and the doctor somewhat abruptly informed us that she was having a miscarriage. As calmly as the doctor said it, there was no assurance that this was such a routine thing for parents to experience (1-4 pregnancies). We were losing our children and there was no turning back. Little less then five minutes passed by and the ER doc placed himself in between my wife’s legs with the foreceps he would use to pull our lifeless twins and the placenta from the birth canal. My wife settled into the drug haze and now calmly told the hospital staff that she couldn’t watch and didn’t want to know what was happening (although this is standard procedure). I had to watch, there was no way I could tear myself from this moment and the desire to catch a glimpse of what could have been our sons or daughters. Out came a very red, three inch long body with perfect fingers and toes. This small being was attached to what looked like a silver string, that made up the very young umbilical cord. If it hadn’t been our child and the fact that it was dead, this moment would have been awe inspiring. A wave of emotion and also peace spread throughout my mind and body. It was over, but we would live on. The doctor asked if I wanted to hold the bodies and I did, I spread my hands and the nurse placed one of the twins on them. My wife stirred and decided that she wanted to look after all. I remember her admiring the toes, the fingers, and the ears among others things and how tiny they were. Shortly after this she started weeping uncontrollably and saying she was sorry over and over. I told her that it wasn’t her fault and we couldn’t have prevented this. The nurses were crying at this point and the doctor admitted that it was hard for him because his wife was pregnant as well at the time. The nurses took the bodies out of sight and we settled in to a long night of recovery. Eventually I went out into the lobby where my parents were and recounted what had happened earlier in the day. They comforted me as best they could, arranged to pickup and take care of our 1 year old for a couple days, and hugged me goodbye. When I returned to my wife, she was much more composed and I asked her if I could have her best friend come to keep us company and console her. She said yes and I summoned her. Her friend Kim spent nearly five hours by the bedside asking us how we were, speaking words of encouragement, and getting us much needed items for our hospital stay. It was nearly midnight when we were finally taken to the main hospital and given a room to stay in. We quickly fell asleep and slept most of the night. I woke up at 5am to finally start the grieving process and to clear my head. For over an hour I cried and cried, listened to songs that people had written about losing their child, and wishing that things had turned out different. The next day was long but we finally got to go home around 10pm. It was when we had gotten home that my wife finally broke down and also started grieving. It has now been a little over four days since we lost them, we are slowly healing but have a long way to go. The hardest part is finding a direction to start moving in once again, to find a new normal, and to decide how we are going to use this experience moving forward. There are so many unknowns and things to consider but this moment in time has changed the course of our lives completely. We are so much more concerned about the well fare of our family and each other and so much less concerned about thing external to this. I hope that in time we will have another child, and I hope that the journey won’t be so scary or that we will have a similar result. I don’t think that either of us could bear that honestly. However, there is great potential that through this pain we can grow stronger, help others have have gone through it, and share our story with anyone who will listen. I hope that life gets better from here.