#just note that the linked ask if from 2021 and i say i'm working on a chapter 1 guide

[idrellegames]

I'm sorry you can get FREAKING SHOT BY AERAN???? WHAT

HOW? I WANT TO BE SHOT TOO

Behold! A consequence of your actions and relationships. 🏹

[inkie-does-whump]

YOU, I , YOU MENTIONED, AHHHHHHH

currently bingeing your lab au after finding though stalking the mumscarian tag(also, side note, might be just me but all the links in your lab au masterposts are all saying they're broken) and you mentioned Owen and Apo in a post about other smps being canon??????? i had a major, life-changing Outsiders smp,,, phase is not the right word. binge?? it was literally the only thing I watched for like months and that's only Owen's pov bcus I couldn't find any others on yt. but the reason I mentioned is bcus like, yeah ik its an old smp and i don't see content for it anymore, but i was literally obsessed with it and most especially Owen and Apo, romentic or platonic. not even asking for content, but very curious as to if Outsiders was canon/applicable, it would work? would it be closer to their og world/server/life/whatever the term? bcus that would be kinda like an amazing long-term, experiment-inside-an-experiment. also I just love the worldbuilding of Outsiders and needed an excuse to mention it, so :P

YEAH OUTSIDERS MENTION

This ask is now my excuse to gush about my favorite smp from 2021. Get out of the way dsmp, I'm talking HIGH QUALITY angst here. The betrayal! The horror!

Context for those who have no idea what I'm talking about:

Outsiders SMP was an smp from 2021/2022 that was loosely based on the first Maze Runners book. The plot was entirely new, but they used the environment of the maze and the glade to tell their story. A handful of Minecraft creators get shoved into a couple of chunks, crowded in by an unclimbable wall, and beyond that (their only way out) a maze with deadly terrors. The creators fight with each other on how to best escape without getting anyone hurt.

Featuring everyone's favorite! Owengejuicetv! Apokuna! SoupforEloise! Bekymon! Acho! KyleEff! Krowfang! Reddoons! Greacie! (Uh probably some others too, I don't remember. Those are the ones that are still active cuz a bunch of them quit content creation after the smp ended)

Also they have official animatics for the big dramatic plot points! Yay!

I highly recommend the series to ADULTS it is very dark and covers extreme topics like cannibalism and genocide. It's one of those shows where no one is a good person, just a bunch of morally grey people. If you can't handle plots including gore, poison, fantasy racism, or death, do not watch this.

With that out of the way!

Yes anon! Absolutely canon!

The Outsiders lab is very similar to the others, but the subjects are significantly more obsessed with escaping. Sometimes the Watcher will reward them with stuff for doing the experiments and stuff, then the subjects will turn around and use those things against each other.

One of the labs nearby had to close down and so those subjects got moved into the main Outsiders lab permanently. The subjects call it "lab 1" and "lab 2" and eventually when Acho and Kyle are brought in later they joke about a "lab 3" even though those two had just been taken straight off the streets.

And yeah. The Watchers let them have sharp/poisonous things. Like. Just to see what happens. It gives them more angst to eat lol.

Additionally, anon, I would highly suggest Krow's POV. I know most people watch Owen's cuz that's the only one that's been cut into episodes instead of streams (and if anyone is looking to pick up the series for the first time, I recommend Owen's first) but Krow's is also amazing! It's pov really leans into art and animatics, more so than Owen's did. And it's a great opportunity to see more about glade 2! And to see what was happening in Krow's head while Owen was doing... THAT (not elaborating! Spoilers!).

And yeah, I noticed the Masterpost links are... Sucky. Broken. I'm working on that. In the meantime! People feel free to send me an ask with questions and I can redirect you to one of those posts <3

[crepesuzette2023]

Your top 5 favorite Mclennon quotes?

Hi Anon, thank you for asking! The following aren't quotes I'd construct into any kind of 'proof' (whether I'm into this or not is another set of footnotes, which I'll spare you), but quotes that illustrate that John and Paul's relationship was fascinating and intense, and puzzling to themselves and others (incl. yours truly). 1.) “Meeting Paul was just like two people meeting. Not falling in love or anything. Just us. It went on. It worked.” — John Lennon - The Beatles by Hunter Davies

2.) “Lennon had attitude, and, taking his lead from Lennon, McCartney could be similar. At times, they reminded me of those well-to-do Chicago lads Leopold and Loeb, who killed someone because they felt superior to him. Lennon and McCartney were ‘superior human beings’.” — Bob Wooler in Mark Lewisohn’s Tune In

3.) “John and Paul paired off - only to find themselves stuck together for life. For John, Paul was the boy who came to stay; for Paul, John was the song he couldn’t make better” — Rob Sheffield, Dreaming The Beatles

4.) TELL ME WHO HE IS. Early song by Paul McCartney, included in The Lyrics (2021). Written in the late 50’s/early 60’s, according to the caption. (photo of journal page)

Tell me who he is Tell me that you’re mine not his He says he loves you more than I do Tell me who he is

Tell him where to go Tell him that I love you so He couldn’t love you more than I do Tell me who he is

5.) John Lennon's word association list from 1976 New York: great Elvis: fat Ringo: friend Yoko: love Howard Cosell: hum George: lost Bootlegs: good Elton: nice Paul: extraordinary Bowie: thin MBE: shit John: great

BONUS TRACK: “I had signs that the group was gonna break up, because… I mean, I think really what it was, really all that happened was that John fell in love. With Yoko. And so, with such a powerful alliance like that, it was difficult for him to still be seeing me. It was as if I was another girlfriend, almost. Our relationship was a strong relationship. And if he was to start a new relationship, he had to put this other one away."— Paul McCartney (1985), link to interview here

PLAY IT BACKWARDS: "LONDON (AP) — John Lennon wrote vitriolic comments about fellow-Beatle Paul McCartney in a picture biography of the famed pop group, providing new evidence of the tensions between them, the Observer newspaper said Sunday. [...]

"Lennon marked almost every one of the 76 pages with corrections and comments, including one that the Observer took as an indication the group already was experimenting with drugs in the 1960s. [...]

"In an entry noting McCartney’s marriage to Linda Eastman, Lennon crossed out “wedding” and wrote “funeral”, the Observer said. [...]

"But in a final tender moment, the Observer said, Lennon wrote under a photo of himself with McCartney: “The minutes are crumbling away.” (full article.)

[batsplat]

hello!!! i wanted to ask you something, i just saw video of gigi and when they asked him about how he'd define dovi he said fast after thinking about it for too long 😭 so i was wondering if you had some post about the dovi/ducati relationship?

( https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_hrfEKojxd/?igsh=MWtmMXQwYnRlbnF2dQ== )

thank you so much anyways!!! i love your blog 💕💕

(link) can I just say, I think everyone should go watch this because if anything anon is underselling just how long dall'igna pauses. I actually burst out laughing, it's comical

anyway, don't have a post about this specifically but it's an easy one to answer - they HATE each other. quite infamously so, like this was a common bit of paddock gossip for years and years. an open secret that they could barely be in the same room as each other. like here from 2020:

and from a little later in 2020, in the context of dovi leaving ducati:

not ideal, is it. they frequently clashed about development direction... plus dall'igna was a big jorge advocate within ducati, which dovi was unsurprisingly not massively into. important bit of context that dall'igna and jorge had already worked with each other back in their aprilia days. dall'igna's always been a jorge fan, something you would maybe not say is true of dovi. essentially dovi persistently thought ducati weren't listening enough to him and dall'igna persistently thought ducati could be performing better with a better rider. dall'igna never felt like dovi was riding the bike the way it was supposed to be ridden, and eventually the mounting tensions caused an irreconcilable rift between the pair of them

at the latest by 2019, things had definitely soured - with reports around the time of sachsenring of strained relations within the ducati camp, and dovi increasingly publicly critical of ducati:

'did not need to explicitly mention' like that's how you can tell everyone knew they had beef lol

luckily for us, however, we don't even have to rely on rumours here - because dovi went for a bit of a scorched earth approach in early 2021 once him and ducati had parted ways. actually went on the record with a lot of his dall'igna criticisms, all timer interview quite frankly. first he says he hasn't spoken properly with dall'igna for years -

- and is also kind enough to confirm that jorge's arrival specifically soured things lol. then he talks about how much power dall'igna has within ducati:

do we think. do we think from the tone. do we think from the tone that dovi maybe doesn't think ducati made the right choice in going for jorge

goes on to say that the split was always going to happen due to a particularly acrimonious meeting in the middle of 2019, the aftermath of the aforementioned sachsenring troubles. he also accuses ducati of not handling contract negotiations in a sufficiently transparent manner:

obviously the interview caused a bit of a stir, and dall'igna gave quite a muted response that didn't really address anything dovi said specifically:

but you can ofc tell dall'igna isn't a massive fan of dovi, as nicely illustrated by the clip shared above. I also remember watching an interview recent-ish where dall'igna was banging on about how much jorge had helped develop the bike, which. y'know. I'm sure jorge did provide useful input, but it does all feel a little pointed. just all got quite ugly between the two of them, which is also a big reason for why such a successful partnership ended on quite so sour a note

[misscammiedawn]

How was Maryland?

Okay, so Maryland is host state to Charmed, the East Coast hypnosis convention--

We have gone in 2020, 2023 and 2024

2021's event was not held due to COVID, 2022 we skipped because of the Omicron spike and 2025 we missed due to being sick

So for a full recap of 2023's Charmed event we wrote it here

2020 and 2024's journals are both in our private offline journal due to circumstances surrounding the events

-

We have only really explored close to the host hotel (albeit we did try to go to an independent queer cafe one year, we didn't have time) and the majority of our experience is linked with Charmed

The port area is gorgeous though--

as 2020 and 2024 are not covered by our con recaps we'll give a lil' exert from our private journal with stuff that's okay to show to public:

2020 Charmed (our first hypno event) Edited Exert:

I grabbed their shoulder and pulled them in, focused my gaze on theirs and began talking. Rapidly. My eyes are locked on your eyes, nothing imaginative. But it's not about the words, nor the person speaking, it's more about the intensity of the moment, you know from all the classes we attended how trance is such a wonderful state that you ooooh so deeeply desire and if you want to go there then there's no power on Earth that can stop you (shoulder shake) sinking right (shoulder shake) now as I give you Permission to go Straight Down to the Deepest depths of trance where your mind Oh so very much wishes to go, down, down, just like that, you know the way, not even needing the guide.

And oh how their eyes fluttered as I shook them, how their chin tilted down and their body became so limp swifter than I could possibly imagine. They looked adorably vulnerable. Open and easily guided back onto the sofa, drifting down even further... so easy to let go and.... if I take your shoulder and look you in the eyes again, you can imagine that tunnel vision, the whole world caving in to that one spot. Veeeery good. Good kitty. Because my gaze in that moment is permission. It's intention and your good good mind knows to skip the steps and go straaaaight to the destination, easy to just drift and---

Apparently 16 years of imaginary training does work just fine.

With my spirits renewed and my power as a top established it was time for classes again.

I should note, the next class at 4pm is Mazirian, MindTheBaron and Velvet's hairplay class. I have been WAITING for this.

So yeah, I got a hair stroking induction. My first time going into trance for a human interacting solely with me during the convention. It was a down and up and she admitted that her ring caught in my hair. I was so so so so so embarrased. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

Die earn my demo brain scout badge though.

---so

Hairplay.

Ever seen the Community gif where Dean Pealton says "I hope this doesn't awaken something in me?"

Ummm.

I think I have a thing for hair play now?

I was following along the demos on myself.

Slide your fingers up your neck, palm flat and fingers spread, catch some hair and stop half way. Close to a fist. Work with the wrist, not the elbow, and ever so lightly---- TUG.

I have done that to myself about 5 times a day every day since the convention. I'm obsessed with it.

Holy shit...

Wow.

Ummm......

Where's my head? Where did it go? What happened next? Was there another class? Umm... Okay.

---

2024 Charmed Exert -

And we found the room we would teach in. Hybrid. So Miss took time to do blocking for the camera so that the online audience could see us.

They could see us just fine and it was SO amazing to scroll through and see an online contingent

One need only look at the Discord Channel and see the vibrant thread of people reacting enthusiastically to our energy, our chemistry, Precious and— our matching outfits

Yes

Miss was wearing the Poison Ivy outfit— the one she wore at Beguiled the day I first asked to kiss her– one of the many times during that event that my heart became hopelessly smitten.

Miss showed off her repertoire of non-fixation tricks. Touch by fixating on the feel of Precious’ fur on my fingers, the sound of the audience in the room next door (a muffled and senseless sound that lets us dissociate more and more the longer we fixate), she described scent fixation (and noted that it can backfire due to sensitivity) and reminded me of the rose scented rag she had used on me in [the past] and allowed me to be a good little demo bottom and DROP for her, she described the strawberry story from the past as the taste fixation (save that anecdote, it comes up later) and then said that people had more than 5 senses.

Cue the wallslam.

Oh the wallslam.

I am a somft sweet little thing and Daja is so strong and loving and can Handle me.

We went into Q&A mode and the audience were sweet enough to prompt some other ideas and Grinch is so lovely.

He asked about The Takedown Induction.

Daja weighed her options and she said that later on she told Turq she only knew she could do this because she threw me on the bed the previous night. She also needed to make sure her ankle could handle it, the weather had been doing havoc on her ankle that weekend and it had impacted kneeling.

OH OH OH! DAWN! EDIT IN THE KNIGHT KNEEL TO THE PRESENCE CLASS. DO IT.

She decided to go for it.

I watched the VOD before it was taken down and Daja had me focus on my balance, on space and on the anticipation and then.

WAH!!!!

I was taken down in a heartbeat from standing down to the floor and it happened swiftly and flooded with trust towards Miss’ control, strength and agility.

What a beautiful moment…!

I blushed and hid behind Precious and for much of the class just looked at Daja as she taught, love in my eyes. The Discord chat reflects my affection all too well.

I also added some good questions to be a cute little assistant and help the class along.

I cannot wait to see the feedback from this class <3 Daja did so well and though the Core Content was not long enough to exist in an environment where people had experience with hypnosis. Luckily the Q&A was lovely and we filled the hour with ease.

This was the morning of Many Classes. So there was hardly time before going in to do the second Daja/Tenn class. This time it was actually Topping. I sat in the 4th row because I didn’t enjoy having someone sitting behind us sniffling and using tissue behind us at Bottoming and thought we’d get to sit away from people. No luck. People sat near us anyway. Ah well.

The class is one I’ve sat in a number of times and I wanted to just see the discussion and back and forth and enjoy how well Daja speaks. She makes for such clear and firm speech. I recall at a point in the hybrid class it was joked that Daja didn’t need to speak up and clearly because she does so by default.

There was a moment where Daja was saying how we all steal and share ideas saying ‘No one has ever accused anyone of stealing ideas” (Daja steals from Dawn a lot <3) and I joked “Unless you’re Serbone” and I realized afterwards that the 7 Plus or Minus 2 script is copyrighted, Secret’s amazing read of it isn’t allowed to be public for that reason.

------------

Anyway! Maryland is Charmed and we like Charmed a lot-- still upset we missed this year x.x

[aerodaltonimperial]

the junglecorpse story primer

so i've been pretty obsessively cataloguing everything between them in my last year or so of being in AEW fandom, and since they are my Hyperfixation™️, i thought i would put together a little primer for the people who may not have been spending every waking thought thinking about the chemistry these two end up having with each other and how their story has played out. there's some videos in here that are fun watches and hopefully this adds a little bit to the knowledge bank!! (i love wrestling so much lol)

2019//

as far as we can tell, their first time ever wrestling was in 2019, which is what we like to call "the lost 2019 bar match," on february 24, 2019, at the high hat in los angeles. when we say lost, we literally mean lost. i would cut off my left arm to get a video of this damn match-up. the only video we have is a short bit from when they were hitting each other with empty water bottles, shown here. (tumblr won't let me embed these links without crashing.)

there's also one photograph of this match, posted on instagram, by a wrestling photographer:

according to cagematch, darby won this match. given how many people in that crowd have phones out, i cannot BELIEVE that we haven't been able to hunt down the rest of the videos, but here we are, crying into the abyss that we can't find this. someone has it. name your price lol. i'm very open to negotiation.

2020 //

the only thing that 2020 had in it was another "lost match," this time from the jericho cruise, so we hate jericho even more for refusing to video the matches there so we can see them when we do not have $5k to go on this trip. but this one is just a 3 v 3 match, where private party and darby beat jurassic express (jack, lucha, and marko). probably not life-changing, but i still want to see it, as a completionist.

2021 //

by 2021, they had both been in aew for several years and were settling in. darby had the TNT belt, and jack was working up through both the singles division on his own, and the tag division with luchasaurus. surprisingly, they never matched up on their own! but in april of 2021, aew asked twitter to pick darby's next opponent for the TNT, and twitter chose jack. this is where things get interesting.

darby makes a promo talking to jack about the match that gets posted on darby's twitter here and reposted to aew's twitter here. (the link doesn't work to the video anymore, but don't worry, i backed it up on my yt account because i knew twitter would implode eventually.)

this is the first time, that we can find, that anyone has gone after the "if you stop being such a goodie two-shoes, you could be great" angle with jack. this promo actually pre-dates christian cage even joining AEW (he would join in the next month or two)! but this thread remains pulled alongside jack's next several years of kayfabe stories, so it's worth pointing out that darby may have been the first person to use it.

video link to youtube

jack makes a follow-up video for this and it gets posted on aew's twitter, and as luck would have it, that tweet no longer exists. i'm not sure where it went, to be honest. it wasn't much except "i've proven myself" and "my record is great now." it's worth noting that neither of them tag the other in their promos, which makes me laugh. darby calls jack "jungle jack," which also makes me laugh.

they have their 2021 match, which is amazing, and don't worry, i also have that video link, so if you'd like to watch it, the full thing lives here. after this, darby loses the TNT belt to miro, and jack wins the battle royale after throwing christian cage out of the ring. important story beats for both of them.

2022 //

in 2022, they end up on the same side of a 6 v 6 match that i'm assuming was kind of just random match-ups, on june 1st at the kia forum. we've watched it, because of course we have, but it wasn't anything particularly interesting haha. however, in january of 2022, jurassic express wins the tag belts. they hold them until that summer, when they lose them, and christian turns on jack. lucha then also turns on jack. jack's heel turn gets majorly delayed due to christian's injury that takes him out through the whole end of the year. at the end of 2022, junglehook starts up after hook comes out to save jack from getting the shit beat out of him (this is the start of his heel turn).

2023 //

and then we get to 2023, the year that i was watching and promptly lost my mind, because we got the pillars storyline! right before this, jack beats christian in the coffin match, which finishes that particular aspect, but it butts right up to the pillars stuff. i've waxed poetic for like 4k about how jack was supposed to be a heel in the pillars story, but everything got delayed due to christian's injury, and they had to run him as a face for this because too many people were involved, and that's not really the point here, but it sure makes a lot of the decisions made in the pillars story fucking unhinged as shit lol.

i've made a video for the junglecorpse moments in the pillars storyline that is here if you have 23 minutes to experience the absurdity of what they chose to do here.

but abridged version is that jack and darby have to team up for the pillars tag match, and don't seem to get along well. they run a full thing where mjf asks jack to betray darby (so they lose) and jack gets up in his face, and then darby walks in to see it. after this, darby comes out for jack (and sammy comes out after) to save him from LFI killing him after jack beats rush.

prior to their tag match, they run this promo with the two of them, where darby references the lost 2019 bar match (DOES HE ALSO SIT AND THINK ABOUT IT FOR HOURS??? LIKE I DO???) and also mentions that they would probably be friends if they weren't wrestlers, which is worth holding onto lmao.

in the actual pillars PPV 4-way at double or nothing, they run a large segment of jack having the belt and a clear shot to take darby out with it (and win) and he doesn't end up doing it. they make a big thing out of it. this is insane given that a month later, jack turns on hook at forbidden door 2023 and eventually takes the FTW off him. i wish to speak to whoever thought this was normal. he couldn't cheat to beat darby, who he supposedly doesn't even like, for the world championship, but can betray his best friend for an unsanctioned belt a month later??????? this makes me insane. don't touch me chompie.

also worth mentioning is jack tweeting this during the storyline, with nothing else attached to it. merry early christmas to me. (jack tends to post a single photo for important story beats, with no text on it. he's done this for quite a number of things within the last few years. weird that he did that here, when they had one tag match together.)

2024 //

and that bring us to this year! jack is back in AEW after his unjust and sad-making time out. anarchy in the arena happens at double or nothing 2024, and jack and darby spend 75% of the match beating each other up alone backstage. jack hits darby with the bus, darby sets jack on fire. it's lovely.

if you haven't seen the video that leaked of jack preparing for the fire spot in the early part of 2024 with a stunt team, it's worth watching. (no sound)

darby is out again to recover since i don't know how he managed to get clear for AITA in the first place, and then he comes back with an obsessive single-mindedness to call out jack perry by beating up brandon cutler. jack then also beats up brandon cutler in the strangest mating rituals i've ever fucking seen lmao. INTRICATE RITUALS!!

that's all i've got right now, but hopefully this ends up being a decent overview of all the stuff i tend to reference in my fics. 💚💚💚 sorry tumblr won't let me embed these videos in here, but it kept crashing the draft, so i had to revert them all just to links. homophobia.

[x-on-the-calendar-business]

ryan ross iceberg (tier 7)

tier 1, tier 2, tier 3, tier 4, tier 5, tier 6, tier 8

deep waters:

light up skechers fancam:

this is a fancam made by twitter user fleetwood_wac. the background song is skechers by dripreport, and i think it was a tiktok song? (i don’t have tiktok) in 2020/2021, it became famous on ryan ross stan twitter. i don’t think the original tweet is still up, but aryn has it in this reply.

side note, if you weren’t on ryan ross stan twitter in 2020, you were sorely missing out.

go figure. to late honey:

this is a quote from one of ryan’s livejournal posts from july 3, 2005. it’s SO iconic.

zrosswald:

this refers to ryan/z berg/alex greenwald. i think it’s meant to refer more to their friendship; the golden trio, if you will. however, i’m sure there are people who genuinely ship them all together, just like rydan.

they have been a tight group for a while, as z and alex both played with the young veins some. also, ryan and alex made appearances at z’s prom events.

eta: as i suspected, this is definitely a real ship.

here's a tumblr post explaining the ship dynamics a bit more. this blog has a lot of zrosswald content if you're interested!

kale:

on thanksgiving of 2011, ryan tweeted this:

in 2021, it became a meme in the ryan stan twitter community, and people tagged gordan ramsay in the tweet, asking his opinion on ryan’s cooking.

first male model for mac:

the story goes that in the fever era, the makeup company mac offered ryan a spot to be their first male model. unfortunately, he declined. according to the comments on a livejournal post i found, ryan discussed this in a 2006 spin magazine interview [i]. there were scans of the interview, but sadly, they’re not available, like most pictures on lj. it hasn’t been archived either.

the same commenter says that article doesn’t specifically mention mac, though. mac did offer ryan free products, but he doesn’t say if he accepted them [i].

so, it’s unsure if ryan was offered to be mac’s male model (unless there’s another source i’ve missed) or another brand’s. either way he turned it down. my guess is that the mac idea came from the fact that he used mac’s products back then.

beef with pete wentz:

after the split, brendon got pete in the divorce.

in a MTV interview that ryan did in 2009, it says “…he wishes Urie and Smith well and still considers them both to be his friends…The same cannot be said, however, about his former boss -- Decaydance Records honcho/ Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz -- who seems to have clearly aligned himself with the Urie/Smith camp following the split" [ii].

in the same interview, ryan specifically says:

"I haven't spoken to him in a while, since this happened. I guess I've been meaning to call him back. He called me, but I've missed a lot of phone calls this week," Ross said. "We're not sure [whether Ross' and Walker's new band will be on Wentz's Decaydance Records]. I'll have to talk to him, but obviously from what's happening online, I think he's ... he's written a lot about them. I don't know if they're working together on their stuff. I'm not really sure, but it's been awhile since we've spoken. It's strange. It's kind of weird" [ii].

the author of the article speculates that ryan and pete’s friendship is over [ii]. i can’t find the source for this, nor can i remember what the specific comments were, but i swear that pete did make some shady comments about ryan at one point.

however, it does seem that their relationship is not on negative terms currently. in 2016, pete tweeted this and this about ryan [iii] [iv]. also, this year (2023), pete mentioned ryan in a video fall out boy posted of pete reviewing his old fashion! you can watch it here:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Fall Out Boy (@falloutboy)

i’m also going to link an article i found that chronicles ryan and pete’s entire relationship, which is an interesting read (although i get the feeling they’re a little biased against ryan…).

ryan’s pet turtles:

i can’t find the post or comment, but on a lj post, ryan commented “this reminds me of when my dad ran over my pet turtles with the lawn mower. thanks.”

“i went to high school with ryan:”

i have two sources for this, and i’m not sure of which one is the original. however, this one is the one i remember seeing first (around 2014).

on tumblr, someone sent in an ask saying essentially the same thing, also in 2014.

i know that both are referring to the same thing; i’m just not sure if the first pic is based on the ask, or if the ask is based on the image. either way, the sentiment is the same.

honestly, i don’t think this story is true. still funny nonetheless

hot girls eating pizza:

this is another one i cannot find a source for anywhere (not even a tweet mentioning it), even though i was able to in the past. i apologize.

but i’m pretty sure that what this is about is a tweet/social media post in which he referred to hot girls eating pizza.

if anyone has a source or more information on this one though, please let me know!!

(i was going to dm the creator of one of the icebergs i referenced to ask her, but twitter won’t allow me to send dms to someone who doesn’t follow me unless i pay for twitter blue. i’m committed to explaining this iceberg but not enough to give elon musk my money i fear)

sent to an island:

in an alternative press interview from 2018, z said that on christmas eve, she shipped ryan off to an island to clear his head. ryan says, “true story” [v].

kate moss playboy:

in the following picture from ryan’s instagram, you can see a kate moss playboy on the table.

hentai:

in the fever era, panic did interviews for a japanese magazine. someone ran ryan’s portion through an image translation, and it brought back something about hentai.

eta: update, twitter user givememallce bought the actual magazine from japan and provided us with translations of this image and the questions the band was answering! they also included the answers from the rest of the band if you're curious about those [vi]. so the biggest shoutout to them and their service.

fake wedding with z:

in 2009, ryan and z pretended to be married. ryan tweeted a picture of z with a wedding ring, called her his wife, and also tweeted a quote of her calling him “the best husband ever” [vii].

later, he tweeted that his wife left in the middle of the night. he then had a revelation:

the best part is that all of these events took place within a single day.

here’s the masterpost with all the details:

not actually 5’11:

this is a conspiracy that ryan is lying about his height.

one piece of evidence was that brendon is 5’9, meaning ryan would be 2 inches taller than him. however, in a lot of photos they look to be relatively the same height.

the other piece is that multiple fans who have met ryan said that compared to their own heights, he can’t be 5’11. i don’t have specific sources of people saying that, but i know it was discourse on twitter at one point.

next is the final entry in the iceberg, where we get into the most obscure stuff the iceberg has to offer and finish this thing up.

tier 8

references:

[i] https://bandfandom-ref.livejournal.com/133181.html

[ii] https://www.mtv.com/news/1fedpk/exclusive-ryan-ross-talks-about-leaving-panic-at-the-disco

[iii] https://twitter.com/petewentz/status/794988164901261312

[iv] https://twitter.com/petewentz/status/795025751930114048

[v] https://www.altpress.com/ryan-ross-z-berg-the-bad-list/

[vi] https://twitter.com/GIVEMEMALlCE/status/1695649402663363028

[vii] https://pathetic-at-the-disco.tumblr.com/post/180912208431/ryan-ross-and-z-bergs-wedding-masterpost

[forkanna]

WARNINGS: The Messenger and all related characters © Sabotage Studios. Story ��2021 (and published 2024) to me. Rated M for a little steaminess in the latter half, though nothing too explicit.

NOTES: Happy New Year! Or something. I hope anyone reading this is happy and thriving, despite so many geopolitical, ecological, and economic upheavals.

I've gone quiet because I was working on a very large new fic that will be starting soon, and also just to recover from working on my previous stories, and to take care of some other life stuff. That's why, other than assisting with some friends' works, it's taken me almost half the year to release anything new. Most of you probably haven't even noticed, I'm sure, since my update schedule slowed to a crawl last year.

Believe me, I have a couple of very hefty works that are nearing the completion stage. I just hope the fandoms are alive and interested when I put them out there.

Alright, so I have a deep love of challenging platformers (challenging, not frustrating like Super Meat Boy). I wrote this one quite some time ago and simply forgot, and found it again when sifting through my files. Maybe Sea Of Stars being released will make it still be relevant, even though I'm posting it so long after The Messenger came out. If you've found it, enjoy!

Jessex

[AO3 LINK]

"So how long have you been in this shop?"

"My entire life. You think the shop is your ally? You merely adopted the shop. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see outside the shop until I was already…"

"…"

"That would be funnier if you were from where I'm from."

"Okay… but really, you haven't been The Shopkeeper here all your life, have you?"

"I haven't. But I also don't feel any need to tell you about my secret past, so you can probably drop that now. Don't you have a big demon to defeat or something?"

"…right."

"Good. Now go. Let me bask in a few whole seconds of peace before you come back in here and demand to know what's in my cabinet again. Nosy ninja."

"I just thought since we're spending all this time together, it might be polite to get to know you."

"Maybe I don't want to be known. Especially not about my past from before I found my way into this weird little pocket of reality. Definitely nothing about solar and lunar warriors who had to sail between dimensions. Maybe something from the after-time; I could tell you something about then."

"…"

"…"

"Do you have any stories to share?"

"Of course, here's one for you."

~ o ~

Stop me if you've heard this one. A monk walks into a bar… wait, not quite right. I'll try it again from the top.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful monk. Very few ever got to see her face because from the moment she began training, a veil covered the lower half. Not much is known about the clan she came from other than that they trained as hard as the ninjas in their own discipline. A strong clan of true warrior women. They seemed to favour orange; orange gi, orange balaclava, orange slippers. They wear wraps around their forearms and calves that are yellow to match the yellow trim on the rest of their uniforms. Very sunny, I guess you would say. Sunny warriors.

As you probably have been able to guess by now since you keep asking me so many questions, she used to do what you do, back before the warrior from the west passed you the scroll. "Messenger" is what you'd call a revolving door position. Don't ask what a revolving door is; it's pretty self-explanatory, but also pretty horrifying. Much worse than the Burning Crags or the Underworld.

What a serious messenger the Monk was. Way better than you. She might have been your match in terms of fighting ability and athleticism — or similar, anyway — but she didn't let herself get distracted nearly as much. Discipline of the mind is just as important as discipline of the body, you know?

Yes, this is me asking you to stop with my cabinet. Again. You're like a dog with a bone.

She came in pretty often the same way you did, asking the same questions about how to climb up a wall in her way, catch air currents… you get the idea. And she didn't have as many relentless questions as some people, but we would talk here and there.

"It must be a difficult job, to guide warriors like myself to their fates."

"It's a hobby," I joked. I joke a lot. You have to break the boredom somehow. No, it's definitely not a defense mechanism to cover a plethora of anxieties.

"Oh, it is only a hobby?" She bowed, all deferential and polite. Those intriguing twin cones she styled her hair into barely even moved; she must wrap those ribbons — yellow, because why wouldn't they be — very tightly. Or maybe she just stuck them there; detachable head-cones. I've heard of weirder things. "My apologies, I should not have assumed this was your duty."

"Ah, that's… it's fine. So how do you get your hair like that?"

What? Colour me curious.

"Hm? Oh…" It was hard to tell without her veil, but I thought the way the corners of her eyes crinkled meant she was pleased. Her voice was just as reverent and respectful as always, so no help there. "You like this?"

"Yeah. I mean, it's pretty neat."

Her small-but-strong hand drifted up to caress over one of the cones. "Thank you. Many of the men and women of our order adopt such hair styles; they are appealing but functional. Long hair that is not kept in check would interfere with my ability to battle evil."

"Right, of course. I've often thought about doing something with mine, or maybe getting a cool hat."

"A… hat?"

"You know. Sits on top of your head, fashionably keeps the sun off?"

After a second of complete silence in which I really thought she might turn and stalk out of the room, completely disappointed with my conversational skills, she instead covered her mouth and began to let out the most musical, tinkling laughter I've ever heard in my life. And I've met an actual pixie before.

Don't ask to meet a pixie. The consequences are way too catastrophic.

"Ah, I see. Then I hope you will have a hat one day, Keeper of the Shop."

"Maybe." I was trying not to let on that I was having a good time; it's kind of my thing, to act like I'm just sort of aloof and indifferent. "But I can't help noticing you have pigtails, even though the cone-things are supposed to keep your hair out of the way. Fashion over function?"

She reached back to pull at one of the pigtails. "Yes… they are disliked by my master. But she has admitted that I am a more fierce monk with them in my way than any of my sisters are without them."

"You have sisters? Big family?"

"Sisters-in-arms," she clarified with another small laugh.

"Ahhh. Got it, sorry. Anyway, I think they look nice. As long as they don't get you killed by some ugly hell-beast, of course."

There was a slight twinkle in her playful deep brown eye. "They will not."

~ o ~

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"…"

"What? Don't you think that's a nice story? Isn't it cool to find out sometimes I chit-chat with other Messengers because I get super bored?"

"It's not that. I just thought you were going somewhere else with this."

"Where else? I never go anywhere but this shop. Or do I?"

"…right, but the way you described how she looked in so much detail made me think you were interested in her."

"…"

"Wow."

"What?"

"I don't think I've ever seen you speechless before."

"Watch it, ninja boy. It's just that you kind of strike me as the hapless protagonist type, so I wasn't expecting you to pick up on, well, anything."

"Oh, so you WERE interested?"

"…maybe."

"Huh."

"Oh, stop smirking. You didn't find out any great truth of the universe, you just figured out that a hottie made me take notice because I'm not blind."

"So did you do anything about it?"

"Excuse me? That's getting kind of personal, don't you think?"

"No, not really. I think you started telling me about her, and you like talking enough that you might want to tell me more if I ask."

"VERY personal now. And a little rude."

"You don't have to tell me anything. But it's really not that bad for me to just ask you to keep going, right? If you say no, you say no."

"Touché."

~ o ~

Even though you were a rude boy, and a little entitled, I'll tell you about another time the Monk came into my shop. Which was only forever, and not long at all. You'll know what that means one day, after you dance with magic.

The next few visits were pretty standard and all business. Monk wanted an upgrade that will help her take more hits, another that can transform her staff into a whip and back again. It's weird, she seemed to have a lot of trouble making it turn back into a staff… that wasn't supposed to happen, but oh well. Can't always trust Artificer's inventions but he does his best.

Which was why I gave you the rope dart instead. What would you do if you couldn't have your sword back? That'd be epically rough. Especially in the middle of a boss fight. Besides, some friends of mine had decent success with the prototype.

Then one time was a little different. She had just beaten back a throng of exhausting cultists — long story, too long for me even. And you know how long my stories can get. She seemed to need some time to rest instead of heading right back out into the fray.

"Here, take a seat back here."

"Oh?" After figuring out what I meant when I stood and moved aside, her brow furrowed a tiny bit. "Oh… no, I could not take your seat from you. This is your home."

"Well, not my home exactly… but seriously, I know you fought hard out there. Take a load off. You want some tea? Might not have any of the Astral stuff left, but…"

With a slight bow, she said in a flustered voice, "Please, you do not have to be so kind. I will be fine."

Thing is, polite as she always was even though she could easily kick my ass — and I'm no ten-pound weakling and don't you forget that, ninja boy — I could also tell she was dead on her feet. Copping a quick squat wouldn't be enough. So I did something for her that I have never done for any other Messenger, before or since.

I let her see my room.

~ o ~

"This isn't your room?"

"Yeah, of course it is. You see that big canopy bed in the corner, all those Tower Of Time Quarterly magazines on my nightstand?"

"Huh?"

"No, doofus. This is sarcasm; I'm being sarcastic. I can't sleep here if there's nowhere to sleep."

"…sometimes, you're kind of a jerk."

"And sometimes, you're kind of a doofus. Isn't it great that we can work around our differences for the good of the universe?"

"…"

"Moving on…"

~ o ~

Once we went through the secret entrance you don't get to know about because I don't think you can control your curiosity but it's also NOT that cabinet so don't assume so much, Monk let out a soft gasp when she saw how great my room was. Like, I can't undersell this enough; my ancestors really put some work into this whole place and it's gorgeous. Not super big but not small, either; a decent sized suite. Four stars all the way.

"Oh, it is beautiful!"

"Thanks. So, uh, you want anything to drink or eat? You ought to keep your strength up."

She turned from where she stood in the middle of the room, and it was even harder to ignore how she outshone my room. And this is my room; that's just about impossible.

"No, I could not impose. I am used to foraging. While I pass through the forests or the caverns, I will find mushrooms or wild greens, fruits, and prepare them by a campfire."

"Whoa. Real outdoorsy type. That's pretty dope."

"Dope? I am… you think I am stupid?"

OOPS. That not-old-school slang was going to get me in trouble. "No, no! I meant to say, uh… well, nevermind, I meant it's really neat you can do that. I bet you never have to go hungry that way." This badass warrior turned me into an awkward teenager again.

"Oh," she said softly, and I was relieved to see that slight crease in her brow fade again. Good; I already felt like crap for making her feel bad, even for a second.

"I'm really sorry. But yeah, here - I've got… okay." Yes, there was a little kitchenette. Did I not say my room was epic? "Instant ramen; I think you'll like that. Or at least, it'll fill you up and give you that carb-energy so you can do your thing tomorrow after you rest up. Man cannot live by potions and wild mushrooms alone."

"I assure you, I am fine," she told me with that laugh that set all my hair follicles tingling. "I am very grateful for your help, but please, do not go to so much trouble."

So I made her cup ramen. And yeah, you called me out on carrying a tiny torch for her monkness, so I should go ahead and admit that this wasn't exactly your top-tier first date activity. On the plus side, it wasn't like me giving her a place to rest counted as a date at all.

By the time it was finished, she had sat at my little two-person table. Honestly, I had always thought the second chair was a little redundant when I never had visitors, but figured there was no real reason to throw it out. Now I was glad I was lazy. I set one cup in front of her and another in front of the other spot - which actually wasn't my usual spot. But there was no way I was gonna tell Monk she couldn't have my seat. Even if it did bother me, which it didn't, I would have let her sit wherever she wanted, any day of the week.

"Thank you," she breathed with her palms pressed together, bowing slightly to me. She reached for the chopsticks laying across the paper lid.

"Oh - wait, you have to wait a couple of minutes."

"Hm? Why? I thought you prepared the food already…" She seemed uncertain.

"Yeah, but it's still, uh, steeping." I figured if she knew tea, she would get that one.

I was right. "Ahhh, I see. What is it? I believe I smell a broth…"

So I explained ramen. Turns out, she had something kind of similar in her own village, but definitely not the instant kind. Which I figured — for reasons. You're not ready to hear about all that.

"Okay, here," I said when it was done turning into the good stuff. I took the chopsticks and peeled off the paper fully, started stirring. "Just gotta stir it up good before you start in."

"Yes, I see," she said in a very serious tone. Why was it cute that she was serious about this? It wasn't; I just thought she was cute, so everything she did was… I'm gonna stop talking about that.

After I slurped up some noodles, I watched her carefully. Maybe this would be when I got to see her face. It was fine if she wasn't ready, or was shy, or if it was part of her tradition that monks didn't show their faces. I can relate. But if I was allowed…

No such luck. She leaned forward in such a way that her veil hung forward, so I still couldn't see her face but she was free to bring the noodles to her mouth. Then she sat back and chewed. Dang. Still, at least she seemed to like them well enough, if the way her eyes closed briefly in contentment was any indication.

"Not too hot?"

"It is very good, thank you." She let out a tiny sighing noise that may have been a burp; she was that kind of badass angel that could make even that adorable. Literally goals. But I noticed she was staring at me very intently.

"What?"

"What more can I do? Against the Primal Fear. I would really like to conquer it very soon, and help to restore peace."

"You're not ready," I told her simply, even though I was a little distracted by that thumping noise. What was it? Oh — right, it was my heart.

"I am ready. You have told me yourself that I'm the strongest Messenger you have ever seen. Is it not my duty to go and stop this darkness, so no others need to die?"

"Oh, if only it were that simple." Wow, it was so hard to endure the intensity of those eyes staring through my soul. I almost felt like I wouldn't make it. Before I knew what I was doing, I reached across the table to rest my hand on top of her clenched fist.

"Give it time. You have trained harder than anyone I've ever met, but training isn't the same as out there doing the real thing. Kick a little more butt, take a few more names, and you'll get there. You'll be ready for the Primal Fear someday."

A little at a time, the tension in her posture began to ease. I really expected her to say something like thanking me for putting everything in perspective, or for her to argue with me about it again. Instead…

"Do you like to… touch my hand?"

"Do I huh? Oh." After an awkward pause, I took my hand away. "Sorry about that. Probably should have cut that out once I was done saying my thing."

"You do not need to apologize. I'm beginning to think you care for me."

"A-ahh, well that's not-"

"I care for you, too."

Well. I'm really damn lucky she cut me off, because I had been about to deny everything. It's not my job to hit on The Messengers; it's my job to make sure they carry the scroll, that they don't come back as corpses. Even though I didn't really want to lie to anybody, it was way smarter not to get feelings complicating the whole arrangement.

Except she went and said that. Went and told me I wasn't the only one.

"Y-you do?"

"Of course. You have been so helpful to me, so wise and generous. I could not have come this far without your guidance. What kind of monster would not grow to care for you?"

I'm looking at you, ninja.

"Aww, I'm just doing what I can…"

Leaning forward intently, she said, "You must have been a very strong Messenger. I would love to spar; there is so much we could learn from each other."

"Spar? Really? You and me? I, uh… I might be a little out of practice." Not very. I mean, I still tried to keep fit, even though there's only so much you can do standing behind a desk in the shop all day. Still, I knew I couldn't drop my guard entirely; any day I might be called upon to step in again. I just hoped it wouldn't be for the usual reason.

Monk finished off another slurp of her noodles and sat back to nod eagerly at me until she was finished chewing. "Yes! Even if you are, I am sure I will still learn much!"

"Well… if you wanted to go now, we could. Probably better now than after we finish all our noodles."

"Oh, will they not grow cold?"

"I can heat 'em up again, no sweat."

So we got up and paced into the middle of the room. Have I mentioned how happy I was that she was taller than me? God, tall women are absolutely goals. She took up her staff and pointed the business end at me, though her head tilted to one side after a moment.

"You will not take off your robe?"

"Oh. Yeah, that would probably be good, even though I don't really need to." We had all trained to fight in those big blue robes. I mean, if you can't fight in your uniform, then it's obviously a pretty crappy uniform for an order of mysterious warriors, right?

When I took it off and draped it over the back of my chair, I heard a quiet noise from Monk. Of surprise, maybe? I hoped not of disappointment. But when I turned back to look at her, she was all business, ready to start smacking each other around.

"You okay?"

"Yes," she confirmed with a dutiful nod. "I am ready when you are."

So we did the martial arts thing. I'm sure you know how this goes well enough that I don't have to explain. I wasn't all that surprised that she kicked my butt from here to Glacial Peak, but I did at least put up a pretty good fight first. At some point, I tossed aside my belt and we both kicked off our shoes, and we went a lot harder than you would probably think I could, anyway. We traded bruises and bloody lips and we loved every minute.

Eventually we collapsed back into the chairs with two cups of cold water in front of us that I had grabbed before giving up on being able to move for a little while. Even though I couldn't see her mouth, Monk looked elated.

"You… have fun beating me up? Huh, bully?"

She seemed alarmed by that accusation, even if it wasn't serious. "I… I am not!" But then we both laughed breathlessly. That old thing about really getting to know somebody when you fight them? I guess it was pretty true, even though a good cup of tea and a long conversation will do a pretty similar job for you.

"Was only kidding," I panted a minute later, when we had caught our breath and downed some water.

And I know this is probably getting annoying, but if I thought she was the bee's knees before… with her face flushed and chest heaving, sweat matting her hair slightly — not to mention the strength just radiating off her in waves…

"Keeper?"

"Huh?"

"I asked if we could have a rematch another day," she repeated, eyes crinkling at the corners in amusement. I got distracted way too easily; maybe it was because I had burned up my ability to ignore how good she looked while sparring with her. Yes, normally I can keep my eyes on the prize, but watching how gracefully she fought… it tested me more than the sparring.

"You… bet we can." Another sip of water to coat my suddenly-dry throat. "Sorry… I was supposed to let you… rest."

"It is alright. You do not need to worry about me; I can resume my mission now."

"No, no way. Stay, finish the noodles, take a shower and grab a nap. Or, I mean, in whatever order…"

But Monk was already shaking her head. "I cannot take that much time away from my mission. Great evil will not wait to be vanquished; it will punish the world until we stop its progress."

"Actually… it can wait."

"What?"

"Okay, so this might be a little high-concept for you, but…" Normally, we would put her through the big challenge and unlock some new abilities — don't ask, spoilers and all — once she had proven herself before she got to know any of this, but I could give her a few basics. "Time stands still in here. More or less. So when you're in here, it's like everything has stood still out there."

The Monk blinked a few times, sitting perfectly still.

"Think about it this way; imagine you're on a surfboard-"

"No, no, I already think I understand. I am just… confused as to how this can be true. You also will not tell me where this really is, and why I can come here from so many different doorways. It is magic, yes? But what kind of magic can be so powerful?"

Damn, that would teach me to underestimate a badass amazonian warrior monk.

"That's… a secret. You might find out someday. But yeah, take a load off, rest and recuperate. Then you can head out in the morning, ready to kick primal caboose - and it will be like you never left. Trust me."

Chuckling a little at my wordplay, she said, "You are… very kind." Then she took another long drink. "Very well. I will do this, because there is wisdom in what you say; if I am exhausted, I will stumble, and cannot be the best hero for our world that I can be."

"There ya go. That's all I was trying to say."

"Do you have a hot bath? It is very good for relaxing the sore muscles."

~ o ~

"What a player."

"Hey, watch it, kid. I didn't 'play' anything."

"You got her into a bath."

"Uh, yeah, in another room. I promise, not one second did I spend in the same room as the bath. I saw nothing."

"Hmmmm."

"Do you want to hear the rest of this story or not?"

"Actually… I'm not sure. It's starting to sound like it's too personal for me to hear."

"Oh."

"What?"

"No, you're just always such a busybody that I kind of expected you to keep drinking this up like Kool-Aid."

"Like what?"

"It's… don't worry about that one. One day, you may be ready for the legend of the Purplesaurus Rex. I'll skip ahead a tiny bit."

~ o ~

Or a lot.

Like I said, not a dang thing happened other than me giving her some hospitality. Yes, I got to see what she would look like in a blue robe after her bath, which was kind of exciting in a weird way. It was like she was closer to me because she was becoming part of the Order — even though that was a ways off. Still gave me a little cold chill.

Monk had been through quite a bit by the time there was another shift. We sparred a few more times, shared meals and conversations. And she came back battered and scarred, I put her back together. She slid me all the Time Shards she found in the past and I did what I could for her with them. We were definitely friends, and probably somewhere in the best friend category, no matter what the Artificer says about him and me. The Prophet is actually his bro.

And she underwent her Trial. More on that for you when you're ready.

Don't give me that look. Be a big boy and wait your turn.

God's honest truth was, it hurt my soul a little to see her becoming a bit more jaded. Not a lot; don't get me wrong, she was still the strongest Messenger I've ever known, and brave, and like a ray of sunshine in a Dark Cave. But I could see the cracks forming in her heart that anyone got when they faced great evil day in and day out.

That's why I tried to give her so many breaks. More and more often, she would sleep on the futon I got for her, since she had outright refused to use a real Western bed; said it wasn't good for her back. I've heard it both ways, but didn't want to argue. And we laughed, trained, ate, and generally got very comfortable with each other. Even though to her, it was like we only met up once every few days. But to me, I saw her all the time — not that I'm complaining, of course.

My Monk had just come back from a particularly brutal battle in which she managed to restore Rivière Turquoise to its former glory. This time, I wanted to surprise her with something a little fancier. Don't ask me how, but I got my hands on some damn good sushi, and a bottle of sake. I knew she didn't believe in imbibing alcohol while she was on mission because it dulled the senses and ability to react, which I can't argue with, but I also knew this one was going to mean she needed to rest up and recuperate more than usual. I was grateful to steal more time with her whenever I could. Oh, I wasn't going to do anything to force that, but I sure as hell wasn't going to fight against it, either; I would just appreciate every moment we had together.

Remind me to tell you the story about the crystal pumpkin patch sometime.

She was leaning pretty heavily on her staff when she came in. I felt my stomach drop. Was she going to make it? I hurried out from behind my desk and helped her along.

"I am fine," she hissed through her teeth.

"Liar."

"I do not lie! I… I will be fine. That is the truth."

"Yeah, well… can you tell me what hurts? Your leg?" A reluctant nod as we entered my sparkly, sparkly room. Like, seriously, if you ever saw it you wouldn't be able to get over it, man. "Alright, we're officially giving you a vacation."

"I do not… want…" But a heavier wince made her bite her lips and nod. "Yes. I do not want to… fail at our mission, so I will… do as you say."

"Thank you. And hey, it's not gonna be so bad. Do you… do you wanna eat? Maybe you're not in the mood to eat."

"I must," she told me with a half-snort. I was sure she was smiling, even though I couldn't see. "If I am to heal, I must have nutrition, yes?"

So we ate. I made sure the sake was hot, both to soothe her aches and because like, it's supposed to be hot. Cold sakes are a different thing. Anyway, she told me all about her fight to help bring her buddy, the Butterfly Matriarch, in and dispel all the creepy crawlies. Fun stuff, but I'm trying to avoid that story-within-a-story thing so I'll just say she's kind of amazing. In case you haven't figured that out already.

"Ohhh, that was perfect," she sighed as she relaxed back against her chair.

"Thanks. I ordered it myself."

"So modest. You still wished for me to have this wonderful meal. I feel… appreciated. Cared for." We shared a smile, even though neither of us could see the other's mouth. We just knew. "And a little affected by the cups."

Trying to tease, I said, "Oh, you got drunk? Off just that?"

"Not 'drunk'," she huffed playfully. "I said 'affected'."

"How affected, then? Do you wanna take a nap before we get you that hot bath?"

"No. I just want to continue to speak with you, and to relax. We can do both of these together." I could see her glance at me, then away. "My arms are very sore."

"Yeah, I bet they are."

Another tiny hesitation. "I might want some help washing my back."

"Oh, right — I have a back scrubber. It's just mine, so I didn't wanna assume you would want to use it after me. Some people are funny about sharing stuff like that."

~ o ~

"WOW."

"Listen, I know you are probably all suave and cool with the ladies, Mr. Forever Alone Ninja, but I definitely didn't have any game. And hanging around alone in a shop for years on end doesn't polish that social skill, either."

"Right, but even I know when someone asks for help with washing their back, they don't mean they just want you to get them a brush."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"No, no, it's kind of cute."

"Excuse me?"

"You act so all-wise and all-knowing all the time that it's nice to hear you being very human."

"I do not act like that."

"You totally do."

"No. I'm just serious about my job."

"Then why are you always sharing stories about your eternal wisdom?"

"Not once have I said 'eternal wisdom'. I just like to contemplate the complexities of the universe, and try to unravel a few of them. I think every well-rounded mind does the same."

"Well, I don't."

"Did I stutter?"

~ o ~

Anyway, if you're through interrupting… yes, she did blink stupidly at me as if waiting for me to catch up. You might be rude, but you're not wrong.

"You… want me to…?"

"I apologise," she breathed with a low bow, her balaclava brushing the table just in front of her plate. "This was too forward of me."

"No, no way! I only… I didn't want to make any… yeah, I'm not good at this kind of thing."

"At washing another's back?"

"No, at…" I stopped when she started to giggle. "You're mocking me. Great. I really am the world's biggest idiot."

"You are not. But I think it is sweet that you do not want to… corrupt me, perhaps. You are so wise and your heart is so pure."

Trying to make myself keep talking before her praise really caught up to me and the stammering began, I blurted out, "Yours, too. I mean, you really are the best person I've ever known in my life. And I've known persons."

We both laughed a little at that last part, starting to relax. She rose from the table with some difficulty, and I was quick to put my arm around her, and hers around my neck, helping to support her as she made her way into the bathroom.

"In our temple," she began to tell me as I turned on the tap to fill the tub with hot water, dumping some bubbles in distractedly, "there is no modesty. Our order is only women, and there is nothing to fear. The males of our clan are much the same in their temple, though they are not warriors in the same way we are."

"Matriarchal society? That's pretty neato."

"We also… will take lovers, at times. Some from the other temple, some from the same temple. Some from both. All is equal to us."

The way she spoke as she began to unwind the bindings around her forearms and calves was very careful, contemplative. I could see her watching me for reactions, as if hoping I wouldn't freak out and say she came from a bunch of weirdos.

"That sounds like an amazing place," I reassured her. And I meant that from the bottom of my heart.

"Yes. One day, I may take you there if it is possible. They frown on visitors inside the temple, but I could show you the grounds."

Why did that sound like a dream come true? I mean, even though taking a tour of a hidden monk temple where they trained the world's best badasses would be cool regardless, going with her… "Yeah. Maybe once all this settles down, we can do that. Sounds like one of the best places ever."

"I have always felt this way. If not for my calling, I would love to finish my days there, making our order the greatest it can be."

"Must be nice." When I saw her reach for the lapel of her gi, I turned away and put my hand over my eyes; never can be too careful.

"You are shy."

Called out. "Well, nah. It just… it's no big deal where you're from but it is where I'm from. Especially for complicated reasons I won't go into. So I'm just gonna… not."

"I respect that," she told me deferentially. There was a quiet splash, a few more noises of shifting around in water. "I am covered. You added soap to this bath?"

When I turned back and saw that she was, indeed, up to her shoulders in suds, I let out a sigh of relief. Laugh if you will, but I was already all twitchy just from the situation as it was; I didn't think I could handle more than that. "Well, it's a special soap."

"What makes it special?"

"The way it looks and smells," I answered honestly. "I thought about bath-bombing you, but I don't have any on hand, and I already made a special trip for the sushi."

She looked over her shoulder. Of course she still had the balaclava on; even in the bath. Weird but it seemed to be a thing. "You would cause my bath to explode?"

"Oh… no, it's… nevermind." I pulled up a tiny stool and perched it behind her, picking up the soap and a washcloth and dipping it into the water. Would music be too much? I did have a jukebox… no, I decided it was too much. "Hope I'm not getting too irritating."

"Irritating? In what way?"

"Demanding you hang back and rest. I know you know it's important and don't need me telling you; I'm really not trying to parent you or anything."

Her head shook very slightly as she reached up to begin undoing her head-cone-things. That surprised me; since she left the veil on, I thought those would stay in place, too. "It is not a bother. Sometimes…" She hesitated, both with words and actions. "Sometimes I do become focused on my task and I forget to rest, especially when the task is so great."

"Oh, I don't think it's so great," I tried to joke. She only looked puzzled; I had to stop doing that. "I mean, it's rough that we have to put you through this. Crucial for our survival, but rough."

"Yes, I understand this very well. I know you would not wish to put anyone in danger if it were not important."

All I wanted was to keep my mind focused on the task at hand, and on our conversation. Not on how strong and graceful her back was, her shoulders, her slender neck… honestly, that "broke the mold" joke is stupid. I usually hate it. But with Monk? Yeah. There aren't any others like her in at least five space-time continuums — and that's just how she looks.

"Keeper?"

"Hm?"

"I said that your hands are very gentle. Was this the wrong thing to say?"

"Sorry," I laughed nervously. "Normally I'm more eloquent than this. I blame TV."

"Tee-vee?"

"Nevermind." Ugh, I said I was going to stop doing that! All she was doing was being her usual self and I was tripping all over myself like a noob. "Thanks, I'm… trying to help as best I can. It's not just a job, it's an adventure."

At least that dated reference just sounded like a normal phrase.

"This is not so adventurous," she said with a soft chuckle, her eyes smiling at me. Smizing; I got Monk smizing, I was stepping on cloud nine. "But I would have it no other way."

"Yeah, you don't want to have to jump over spike pits on your downtime, too."

"Not this. I meant…" She turned carefully in the water — I could tell it was out of respect for me and how shy I was, trying not to make me see anything I wasn't ready for. Honestly an angel. "It is an honour to share this quiet peace. I sense the sweetness of your soul, and the pains that have brought you to this place and time. Even though I have met your brothers, I do not feel this connection I feel with you."

~ o ~

"You have brothers?"

"Don't worry about that."

"I'm gonna worry about it."

"See, that's the problem with you. Even when I give you what you've been clamoring for, this extremely private story, you still complain that I'm not giving you every last niggling detail. You must be a riot at parties."

"…"

"Now stop interrupting."

~ o ~

Actually, you know what? You need to learn that actions have consequences. Even unintended actions. In this case, nagging and interrupting and generally being a bad listener aren't even unintended, so we're skipping the rest of the bath. No - don't make that face at me, you spoiled shinobi. I had a rhythm going and you threw me off, so I'm just going to advance to the next checkpoint. Maybe if you were a better audience I'd teach you how to do that in your mission. It's actually super easy.

Nope, too late now. You played yourself.

Once she was clean and I was glad I had my hood up to hide my glowing red face, she had changed into a spare robe and I tossed her outfit in the laundry. Like, that was the least I could do. We sat in front of the fireplace — hey, there's a fireplace — and relaxed in silence for a little while. When I got anxious, I put on some music from the jukebox; might as well.

"Ohhh, this is very interesting," she told me as she sipped from the water glass I also got her. Yeah, I'm a real charmer, pulling out all the stops. "I have not heard music like this before… I am not sure how to feel about it."

"Yeah, it's called hair metal."

"It is made from metal and hair?" When I was just silent, she laughed. "I am sorry. I have sensed that you are from a very different world from mine, and I am not familiar with your customs. But I have seen how you try to accommodate my ignorance."

"No, no, not ignorance. Just… okay, yeah, that is the right word. But it's only because you've never even had the chance to see my world. I'd give you a crash course, but I feel like it would be a lot of random stuff you just don't need, especially when you're trying to focus on the mission and all."

Monk crossed her legs comfortably. When the hem pulled up past her foot, I had a random thought: that bare ankle would really get me going if I was from a bygone period of history… but then I realized that I was in a bygone period of history from my own perspective.

Yes, there's your big spoiler: I'm from an advanced civilization. You should be able to figure that out by looking around this shop.

"And after my mission?"

"What?"

"When I am finished battling the Primal Fear and any other forces of darkness; when I restore peace. May I return to hear about your world?"

I don't know why this caught me by surprise. Honestly, it shouldn't have; we got along pretty well, but I still was shook. "You'd want to come back?"

"Of course. Are we not becoming friends?"

"Yeah! I mean, of course, I could consider us pretty good friends by now. I just didn't want to assume… I mean, it could be a work-friends deal."

"Work-friends?"

"You know, we're comrades-in-arms. Doesn't have to mean we want to hang out after the war is over… but I would, for sure," I was quick to reassure her. I didn't want to even leave one second in which she thought I was done when this was done.

"Ahh, yes, I understand this." She bowed her head slightly. "Thank you for considering my feelings. Even if…"

My heart froze as I waited for her to respond. Finally, I said, "Even if…?"

"Even if you do not understand them. I thought I was making them clear. But I know it is perhaps not what you expected — especially from a woman. Our masters teach us that not everyone's minds are as open as those of our order-"

"I'm gonna stop you there. Where I'm from, most people are open like that. A few are still stuck in the bigoted past of our own region, sure, but… you're not scaring me off. In fact, I…"

Now it seemed to be Monk's turn to hold her breath. I felt bad seeing her lean toward me a little and whisper, "Yes?"

"Sorry. I've actually never felt like this about anyone before. Didn't think I could. So I just… normally I know what to say, but I never developed this skill."

"Do you?" She looked away slightly. I mean, the opening of her hood did; I could tell even less what she was thinking or feeling with that hood up. Makes me sympathize with even you. "I had told myself that my heart was foolish. You were not from our world, your women did not accept feelings from women, or… you only felt friendship for me. I would have understood."

"Oh, same, same," I reassured her quickly. "We really- sheeze, this is some sitcom BS."

"Hm?"

Leaning over, I took one of her hands. Hard as it was to push through my hangups and self-esteem issues when it came to this kind of thing, no way was I going to leave it up to Monk to make every move. This was about both of us; it should be both of us moving forward. I might look lazy sitting behind my counter all day every day, but no. I'm not lazy. I don't believe in laziness at all.

"If you're sure… then yes. I'm right there with you."

Her breath caught, and her other hand came up to hold onto both of ours. Her hands were somehow both soft and rough; a result of her being so gentle but training so hard. I kinda loved that.

"Then we are here together."

"I guess so. I don't know where 'here' is gonna be, but I'm… I am absolutely ready to find out if you are."

Monk laughed at me a little as we both stood up. "This is a simple journey, Keeper. I have traveled it before, though the destination was a parting. Perhaps with you… we will not part."

"So, a lot of guys in your past?" I guessed. She shook her head. "Girls?"

No comment. Instead, all she did was push our hoods together and…

~ o ~

"What, no interruption?"

"Are you kidding? You made it pretty clear I was interrupting too much before."

"Wow. He CAN be taught."

"But I do have to confess, I'm… surprised about a couple of things."

"Go on?"

"Well, first of all… you know."

"What?"

"…"

"I mean, does it really matter? Whichever of the two things that are immediately coming to mind. I don't think either of them matter in the long run."

"I suppose it doesn't. Especially since we're supposed to be worrying about defeating evil, not morality."

"Morality. Right."

"But I hope you two are happy together."

"Yes, well… that's another story for another time. Not this one in this time."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's fine. I haven't even explained the rest of what happened. But you should probably get going; there's a lot of violent jerks out there to take down."

"Yes, I do want to stop the Demon King. But take care of yourself, alright?"

"Always do."

"And I'll be back for what happened later."

"Oh, I know. You never seem to get enough of these stories, no matter what I do to discourage you from asking me to tell them. So I'm sure I'll see you again soon."

"I'm sure you will."

~ o ~

Okay. He's gone. I wasn't about to tell that little pervy ninja all the sordid details; it would distract him too much from the mission. But you? I guess I could let you hear the rest. Obviously you're still here, so you must have an insatiable curiosity.

No, not the ninja. You. Can't you tell I'm talking to you now?

All the Monk did was push our hoods together and ghost her lips over mine. Such a simple start to something so powerful. My experiences were very limited but I knew enough to know this was bigger than anything else I had experienced before.

That was without my poor brain trying to figure out how in the hell I got Monk interested in me. Monk. We didn't even know each other's names! I know that in the end, a name can only tell you so much about a person, but it still seems like some kind of prerequisite for a meaningful relationship.

"I have been too forward."

"No, no," I was very quick to reassure her as my hand moved up to rest on her shoulder. "Just forward enough. One of us has to do something or we'll never get anywhere."

We stood awkwardly for a long moment, trying to figure out where to go from there. We shared another kiss, a little longer, a little more firm. Her lips were as soft as the pressure was strong, and I was living for that contrast. Our hands explored each other's bodies through those blue robes that served a function we both felt was becoming increasingly unimportant in this current moment.

"How… will we proceed?"

"Huh?"

Voice coming over a little shy, she continued quietly, "I… think you have figured out by now that you cannot see my face. My clan will not allow it. And neither will yours, is it not true?"

"It's… discouraged, yeah." My fingers ghosted over lips I could not see in the darkness under her hood. "And I really wish that wasn't the same, because I bet you're the most beautiful woman on the planet. Maybe a few planets."

At least I could make her laugh. But the laughter turned sad towards the end. I knew she was fighting certain feelings and needs warring within herself, and I wanted nothing more than to push a button and solve that war for her. No human as phenomenal as her should have to endure such inner conflict. But the world is a crappy place sometimes.

"We… cannot. But perhaps if there were no lights…"

She had a good point. That was about the only way we could probably move forward. So I reached both hands over my head… and clapped twice, plunging my room into utter darkness save for the dim flicker of the fire in the fireplace.

"What- what is this magic?"

"The Clapper. It's an ancient artifact from another reality; pretty mundane stuff there. But if you ordered one, they would give you a second one for free - you just had to pay separate processing and handling."

"Oh I see. I should not be impressed, and so I am not." The playfulness in her voice sent a tingle down my spine. "Have you trained in darkness to sharpen your senses?"

"Yeah. It's been a while, but…"

Maybe I imagined it, but there was a slight lilt in her voice as her hand slid down my forearm to take mine. "I will lead you."

She led me. Even though she had only been in my room a handful of times, she pulled me through the darkened room over to my bed as if this were her room and I was the guest. I don't know about you, but that kind of confidence does things for me. Butterfly-stomach things.

"Can your clapper extinguish the fire? There is still some light."

Knowing it was corny as hell, I leaned in to whisper, "Nothing can extinguish my fire." At least it worked; she kissed me again with no waiting, hands clasping at my back and shoulders.

The best part was, we both forgot to care about anything else as the passion roared, our need to be as close as we could be overpowering our caution and duty to preserve our secrets. Or modesty for that matter. The firelight was low enough that I still couldn't see her face; just outlines of shapes. But I knew if I could see more I would think her no less beautiful than I already did.

Even with our hormones cranked to eleven, there was a brief intermission once we were bare to each other and our bodies pressed flush.

"Oh? O-oh."

"Monk-"

"I… I see. You truly are from another world."

"Sorry, I know I might not be what you expected. Say the word and we can put those robes back on, or I can go check to see if your gi is dry."

I more felt than saw her head shaking as she kissed her way down my chest. "Do you think I cannot rise to such a simple challenge as this? How you underestimate me."

"No, never. I'm just trying not to overestimate me."

"You do not," she breathed kindly against my hip before kissing it. And that was it. No messy overreactions, no long talks needed. We connected and it was pretty great.

Acceptance can mean everything sometimes.

Not to get too detailed, and I'm still not going to get as detailed as you might wish I would, but neither of us is known for slacking off exactly. We were fit and we were determined, and it took a couple of hours and a dozen different positions before we were both satisfied completely. Even then, we still lay panting on our backs with some of our limbs entwined, not wanting to be too far from each other.

"Well… that was a thing."

"It was a very good thing. I… I am relieved that I did not do anything… which did not please you."

"Huh? Oh, it's all good. I'm not even usually that interested in, uh, in this. But you're different. You… make me want so much more."

Monk rolled to curl her form around me, and I tell you what, I almost started it all off again. I wanted to, and felt like I could have, which is pretty rare for me, to be honest. She just felt that phenomenal. "I am different?"

"N-not in a bad way. Not at all."

"Yes. Well, I feel the same for you; I am… delighted at our differences. Exploring this with you was very enlightening, and… and I have very much enjoyed every revelation."

Man, when was the last time I smiled this much? I don't know. Probably never. "Right back at you." Experimenting with a very unfamiliar action, I kissed her temple, and she hummed her appreciation. So that went well, I guess.

"You have given me so much. Today, you have given me something twice."

"Oh, so that was twice. Cool. I wondered if… well, you made beautiful noises and all, but it didn't have to mean-"

"It did mean this," she reassured me, and we both laughed a little. "I have another question."

"Shoot."

"It is really alright for me to rest? I feel restless, as if I must confront the evil right now. But you have assured me that time will not pass here. If… this is really true…"

I turned to face her. In the dark. Why? Don't ask me, it was a natural reaction. "Yeah, it is. Why, what's up?"

"Then I would choose to stay with you for another day."

"Why?" Another automatic reaction; I tried to fix that. "I mean, u-uh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. There's no one to come into the shop since you're the current Messenger, so I don't really have to go to work. And… there's nowhere else I'd rather be than this bed, with you."

Listen. It might have been a line, but some of that stuff just comes out naturally when you catch the big L-word. And I was pretty sure I was terminal.

"You cannot mean this." She hesitated, then pressed that goddamn hot yoga body right up against me even harder. "But if you do, only after passing one night together, then I will stay."

"You'll stay," I agreed, unable to believe my ears. "A-and, uh… don't worry, we'll robe up again when we have to move."

"Thank you. I want to see your face, and I have known your desire to see mine is strong. If not for the ways of my clan…"

I nodded. "Yeah, I get it. And it's not as hard and fast for mine; more like a suggestion to keep things clean and easy. But it only feels right that we both respect it so it's not, y'know, one-sided."

"Yes, I understand this feeling. But if you wanted to show me, I would feel no anger."

"Noted." That teasing hand between my thighs made me hiss, "Wow, you are- this is more than I expected."

"You are more than I expected. And you are ready for another… sparring session?"

"I, uh… I really don't think we should call it that." Feeling bold, I moved my hand to the corresponding area on her body, and I probably enjoyed her gasp of surprise a little too much. Oh well. "Seems like we're in the same boat."

I could just barely hear a laugh — because she was busy rolling over on top of me, kneeling, her hips over my hips. Then to my surprise, she started raising one of my legs up to drape over her shoulder, shifting herself sideways until she was positioned above my thigh still resting on the bed. And if that doesn't paint a good enough word picture for you, well, I'm not going to try again.

"You are familiar with… the Splitting Bamboo?"

"I… I, uh…" I had read the Kama Sutra, yes. Did I remember every position? No. I just never imagined I would need to know them for any reason, at all. Not until this phenomenal Monk entered my life and did her best to turn it upside-down.

"You will become familiar with it. Tonight."

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy…

  EPILOGUE

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what? That we're playing Twenty Questions? Oh — right, because we're not doing that."

"That you were sending me off to fight your ex-girlfriend."

"You know what? This, right here. This is the reason you're not even my favorite ninja from the village. Rock Lesieur would have been way less of a pain in the tail…"

"…"

"Fine. Yes, the Queen of Quills is the Monk. Or at least… I'm certain of it now."

"You weren't before?"

"Just had a fairly strong feeling she was."

"Shopkeeper, I will search for a way to get her out of that swamp."

"Marsh."

"What?"

"It's a marsh, not a swamp."

"What's the difference?"

"Swamps have more trees. In fact, they should have a lot of trees, while marshes usually just have shrubbery, et cetera. And fungi, as you probably picked up on."

"Oh. Wow, learn something new every day."

"Don't try to sound smart now that you just had your ignorance gap filled."

"…okay, I'm going."

"Wait."

"What?"

"Thanks. For offering. I don't really believe there is a way to save her now that she's been so far gone for so long, but… maybe the fact that her form is…"

"…"

"Nevermind. I'm not getting my hopes up. Just go do what you do best."

"I'll try. See you soon."

"Fingers crossed."

~ o ~

Listen, I know I'm a little harsh on the kid. But he needs it if he's ever going to be a big strong Blue Robe.

A little bow on top of this story — just for you, not for him. The last thing a guy like that who already has a swelled head needs is yet more swelling. Therefore, he doesn't get to know the full details of this ending.

We did the thing. Every last scrap of evil we could find on Messenger Island had been eradicated. And of course, the issue was, there was no time while we were busy trying not to wind up as scurubu-chow for my old flame and I to reconnect and decide how we felt about everything. Crazy how near-apocalypses can kill the mood like that.

While everybody was patting each other on the back, and old Phantom was trying to catch up on all he missed thanks to the efforts of the Artificer and the Prophet's conversational skills, I managed to steal Monk away to my room — where Ninja still couldn't follow us. Don't worry, he and Iron Hood were chatting about collectible figurines or some crap; they were occupied. Nobody was a total wallflower in this we-defeated-Demon King-finally celebration.

"Keeper of my Heart!" she breathed as soon as the door was closed, throwing her arms around me. That familiar weight, the firm muscle beneath her soft, well-worn gi, breathed new life into me that I hadn't even noticed was absent when she was absent. It was like a rebirth.

"Shhh, shhh," I soothed her when I heard the tears begin. Someone so strong and she was breaking for me… or maybe she was strong enough to break around another person. "I got you, Monkey. Oh geeze, I missed you so much…"

By the time we could actually talk again, I had brewed us some non-Astral tea and we were sitting in my new chairs. Oh yeah, I got new chairs; they had slight cushions to the seats. I decided there was no reason to sit on rigid wood when you could add a dash of comfort. At the same time, I didn't want to add too much comfort, or they would be… you aren't listening. You stopped listening and at this point, I'm almost entirely certain you are skimming through this paragraph to see where the next interesting development comes about. Fine, I guess I won't mince words, since you don't appreciate them anyway. Unless you did legitimately read this far, then all is forgiven, naturally.

"Have you told the others?"

"Huh? Told them what?"

She dipped her head the tiniest bit in chagrin. Shoot me, but that was the cutest thing ever. "Of who we are to each other."

"Are? I mean, I haven't seen you in… it really has been a long time. Even here. So I've just been mourning on my own time, when I haven't been hand-holding that cloud-stepping goofball out there."

"He is not so bad," she laughed softly, her balaclava rustling slightly as she looked down into her cup. "After all… he made it possible for you and I…"

She had me there. I leaned forward on my forearms to whisper, "I would babysit for his kids for the rest of my life if that was what it took. And I hate kids."

"Ah, yes, I remember you mentioning this to me. No matter." She took a contemplative sip before setting the cup down on the table. "Keeper, I want to tell them."

"Tell them what?" She just blinked. "Oh, about that. Why? Do we really need to complicate things by-"

"I am proud to be close to you. For us to have paired our hearts together for all time. Are you not proud of the very same?"

Well, when she put it like that… "That's not what this is. Of course I wouldn't mind having the hottest Monk in the world on my arm, but I kind of also… like… it's silly."

"Tell me."

"I like having you all to myself. My little secret — me being your little secret. But…" I sighed, turning my own teacup. "You're right. It's been fun, but we lost too much time. I don't want to waste more trying to be cagey and sneak around, when we can just come out to everybody as here-and-queer."

"We are coming somewhere queer?"

"Hey, we tried that once, and it was uh… different," I half-joked. But then, of course, I did the legit explaining. "But this time, what I meant was, uh, that we aren't a 'traditional couple' according to some people. They might look at us funny. But I would never let that stop me, and I know in your culture it's not even a thing, anyway."

The corners of her eyes crinkled in vague bemusement. And love. It still struck me temporarily dumb to see so much affection in those deep, contemplative eyes of hers.

"I know you would not. For you are far braver than most of those who wear the blue robe think. I know that if your ninja had failed to save me, you would have done it yourself."

"Oh yeah? And how do you know that? You act like I'm just such a useless gay that-"

Her fingers were suddenly covering my mouth, which she found so easily despite the presence of my hood. Closer and closer, she slid as she pressed me down into my chair, and I was so mesmerized by her eyes…

…that I almost missed a magical new detail. The faintest hint out of the corner of my eye of beautiful lips, ones I still had yet to see until that second, forming words that spawned brand new butterflies.

"Not useless. Never useless to me, Keeper of my Heart."

Then she was kissing me, and I couldn't worry that I had seen more than I should have, or that she was going to be mad, or that her clan was going to throw her out, or any of that. All I could think was that she was beautiful, she was strong, she was wise, she was… everything. Whatever crazy notion made her think I was worthy of her, it would be really stupid to look a gift-horse in the mouth.

Because against all the odds, I had my Monk back. That was the gift that kept on giving.

Which is the end of this story. There are other stories, about her donning the blue robes for good, and then there was this thing with an alternate dimension because their Corrupted Future was trying to spread, and those two worlds… but I'm putting a pin in those. Not even you could handle most of them, anyway, much less my hapless Ninja friend. Maybe someday, you'll be ready.

And not just for the stories.

Just promise me, when it's your turn… don't be so oblivious you can't figure out the scroll is a map. I mean, seriously, who doesn't open a scroll when carrying it for days on end? Some people are just born clueless. Don't be those people.

Be like my Monk. Flawless. Yeah, do that.

THE END

[ectonurites]

No hate meant towards him at all, but ngl I really kinda didn’t think Tim and Bernard would make it this far as a couple or like, last this long? I’m not even sure Meghan Fitzmartin thought they would, because I remember an interview or something where she was asked why she chose Bernard and rather than it being something about his character or relationship with Tim, she said it was because he was from the time period in comics she wanted to evoke, iirc. Do you have any thoughts on that?

Ah yes, so first of all I do know exactly which interview you're talking about, I had gone and transcribed the section you're referencing myself a while back! I'm not gonna copy & paste all of that, but here is a link to the post where I did it so you can see her exact phrasing.

One thing I do want to note is that Bernard's relationship to Tim was at least kind of part of her reasoning—specifically that Bernard was a friend of Tim's who existed outside of the hero life: "[...] it really was important for it to be like, ya know, not in a superhero space but like in a- in a very Tim personal space. Like, this is who Tim Drake is and this is a person who knows Tim Drake."

Also, funnily enough your paraphrasing ("because he was from the time period in comics she wanted to evoke") actually kind of... sounds more like it's based on a line in the commentary I made where I was explaining how I interpreted what she said ("A seemingly big factor in why Bernard was chosen was to evoke feelings of that specific time") rather than her actual words ("I, um, I really sort of wanted to get back to that particular emotional space for Tim.") Maybe we just make similar word choices though lmao.

But anyways: I did specifically link the version of that post where I had made that additional commentary talking through my thoughts on the reasoning behind picking Bernard—tldr being that imo the story of Sum of Our Parts was about 'Tim figuring out his identity' above 'Tim finding the ultimate romance', so picking Bernard as a supporting character from Tim's old solo run to solidify and support the theme [rather than an extensive history with Tim being the deciding factor] made plenty of sense for the story being told and worked effectively.

Now, that post was written in 2021 so obviously things are in a different place now—but I do say something there that I wanna bring up, because I think it captures what my opinion on the future of the relationship had been back when it was new:

"From here on they could either further develop the relationship to be something with a lot of romance, or maybe Bernard just serves his purpose as the guy Tim realizes he likes guys with and they part ways to go on to date other people, either thing could work and make sense depending on what stories future writers (either Fitzmartin if she gets to continue with Tim after Urban Legends #10, or anyone else who picks him up for content focused on him in the future) are trying to tell."

I was always in a 'this could go several different ways' camp! Kept an open mind, lmao. And I do think that like, from the ending point of Sum of Our Parts, that was probably the intent—while having one bit to continue the story in Urban Legends #10 was obviously secured by the time of publication for #6, the vague end note of #10 (which just states the fact that Tim would get content in 2022, not specifying what) definitely implies that beyond that/at that point in time things were less certain about his upcoming direction. Having things end in an open enough way where if Meghan didn't get to continue with Tim there would be a complete story, but that if things did get to continue with her she'd have a plan/path to go down, yk?

And I think it's clear now that they did end up going down the 'further developing it' path since Meghan stayed on as Tim's writer for a while (between Tim Drake: Robin and Dark Crisis: Young Justice). And frankly, despite the reasoning behind Bernard being chosen seeming more theme-related than anything else, I think it's also clear Meghan just had a fondness for him/that timeframe he came from, hence why she took the opportunity to explore things further with them when she was given it. Like, idk maybe this is just based on Vibes™ but I feel like Meghan's intent was always to keep going with the Tim/Bernard thing as long as she was the one writing Tim.

I do feel like if anyone else had ended up as Tim's primary writer after the Urban Legends story, things may have turned out differently and the relationship may not have lasted the way it has—but it's hard to truly say since that's not what happened.

Now that she's not currently slated for anything upcoming with Tim (at least not that I'm aware of, frankly Tim doesn't have much coming up at all aside from a general 'he'll likely be showing up in some capacity in batbooks' sentiment) I think the future of the two of them is a bit less steady. Not that I think they're immediately doomed or anything, but just that next time Tim gets solo content it could easily be from someone who doesn't want to deal with a civilian boyfriend element, who knows. But now that they actually do have some content under their belt in Tim Drake: Robin, it could be something someone else wants to pick up and explore even more, too. It's simply... hard to say!

But basically: I definitely understand being surprised they've lasted this long, because a part of me is surprised about that too/didn't expect it to last this long—but another part of me is less surprised based on some factors of the situation (namely just: who has been doing the majority of writing of Tim).

[jay-aro]

For ask game: 8 and 12

8. what are some of your favorite arospec characters? this can include characters from popular media or OCs.

ooo i wanna spotlight isaac and twitch from val and isaac!!! val and isaac is an awesome webcomic that i like to describe as "a slice of life comic about badass space mercinaries." if you like gay people, sci-fi, really good characters, and laughing, i highly recommend you check it out!

isaac (as you may have guessed from the comic's title) is one of the main characters, and twitch is his friend from wizard school that was introduced a few years into the comic. they are both aroace, and it doesn't come up too often, but there are a good amount of comics that involve their aspec identities! (my favorite instance of that was the backstory comic that showed how they became friends, i was pleasantly surprised to see that the plot did involve them being aroace!)

anyways i absolutely love this comic from the 2021 valentine's day post

source

isaac was confirmed as aroace in 2019, from this comic! (from the post's tags: "#isaac is aroace") (though there's a handful of previous comics with him that give off aroace vibes imo)

source

anyways read val and isaac, it's sooo good!!! it's really cool to casually see aroace characters, and there's a lot of other queerness- queer romance, Trans Icon Space Dread, etc

to read all the comics in order, you can use this link to go through the tag in chronological order (note: i don't think this works on moble app): https://tredlocity.tumblr.com/tagged/val%20and%20isaac/chrono, or go on the desktop site (on mobile browser: change page to desktop site) of https://val-and-isaac.tumblr.com/, and use its theme to navigate the comics

you can also just ping pong around random comics lmao (but there are a good deal of multi comic arcs)

12. are you romance favorable, positive, neutral, or repulsed? or is your relationship to romance more complex/complicated than these terms can fully explain?

i'd say neutral/indifferent. i do enjoy a good amount of romance in media (though my tolerance for forced and unnecessary straight romance is NEGATIVE), though i'm also just a big fan of delving into character relations in general- it really frustrates me how romantic relationships keep getting all the focus.

and for other people in real life, seeing them engage in romance/romantic gestures doesn't bother me (tbf i also engage in a good amount of traditionally romantic gestures with my qpps)

but romance for myself? yeah, no.

.....though that begs the questions of "what is romance?", "is there a meaningful difference between these actions one does in a platonic context vs those same actions in a romantic context?", "where is the line drawn, what is the line, does it exist at all?". and y'know what? idk! and i don't exactly need to know. all i know is that friendship is extremely important to me, and i really care about my friends and qpps, and i will be affectionate with them in ways that everyone involved is comfortable with. and that's enough for me!

arospec ask game

[snowberriesromanoff]

Fic writer ask game, tagged by @bestangelofall

1. How many works on AO3?

40, counting a couple that are currently anonymous on exchanges. There's also two I orphaned (and wish I hadn't tbh)

2. Total AO3 wordcount?

Exactly 160,016

3. Most popular fics by kudos

never known peace (marvel, Kate/Yelena fluff)

motherf*cking brand (DC, Stephanie Brown centric)

keep you like a secret (marvel, dark Wandanat)

new moon (marvel, moon knight)

I kill for her (marvel, dark and sexy Kate/Yelena)

The gen moon knight fic in the middle always surprises me, but the rest I knew.

4. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now it's mostly DC, but I've written a lot of marvel and I'm also writing star wars, she-ra, october daye, leverage. I posted a miraculous ladybug fic and the naturals books fic this week. I am either entirely hyper focused on one fandom or jumping from shiny thing to shiny thing, there is no in between.

5. Do you respond to comments?

No, because I never know what to say but I do appreciate all my regulars greatly. Maybe I'll start trying to reply.

6. Angstiest ending?

I'm going to say 'inevitable greek tragedy' which is DC, Wondercheetah hurt no comfort but it's closely tied with stay (anytime you want), Stephcass post-war games;

both devil's bargain fics (dick grayson as slade's apprentice au) are unfinished so I'm not counting them but otherwise they'd be up there, I feel like a lot of my fics have fairly angsty endings and I probably need to shout out the MFB end too based on comments but I've already linked that above

7. Fic with the happiest ending?

It's never known peace (linked above), or maybe the exchange fic idk if I should link. They're both Yelena gets a happy ending fics.

Alternately maybe a little expertise, which is literally a disney frozen rom-com

8. Do you get hate?

No unless spam comments count in which case yes, I get asked to buy things in the comments an average of every two months.

9. Do you write smut?

Yes ;)

10. Do you write crossovers?

Sorta? Expertise is Frozen and Tangled together but I think those already take place in the same universe.

Cat's Paw is supposed to be a leverage/DC crossover where Selina teams up with the leverage crew but the DC chapters aren't up yet.

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

No

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic?

I've done some cowriting with Bambi, who's my fiancée. She beta reads, edits, and helps with all the brainstorming so I feel like she should get a writing credit :3

14. All time favorite ship?

It's probably Catradora or Kate/Yelena, but I walked away from MFB hardcore shipping Sharper (Steph/Harper)

15. WIPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Increasingly, the Catwoman heist fic that won't leave my head or my notes app. there's just too many moving pieces and subplots that'll probably be recycled to other fics (also maybe some of the exchange fics I'm having a hard time with rn)

16. Writing strengths?

I write freakishly fast. I can usually write between 2-4k a day and I do that most days. Also, kiss scenes

17. Writing weaknesses?

I try to take on too many projects and too large of projects at once. And I struggle with endings - Bambi usually has to tell me if an ending works or not.

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

It can be a good characterization shorthand, I usually have the narrator understand and translate after.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Unpublished star wars fic in my teens, then october daye in 2021

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

MOTHERF*CKING BRAND!!! Seriously, writing that entire 64k fic over the course of the past three months kept me sane in so many ways. I love it, I love everyone who commented, I loved making the playlist, I promise the sequel is in the works :3

If you see this and want to, consider yourself tagged :)

[asterias-corner]

I'm just curious... what's it like being a system? I've heard lots of things about it, and it's certainly piqued my interest. Having read a lot about the condition in different books, I was wondering if I could have a firsthand report of it! If you're not comfortable with it, don't feel pressured to answer :D

no your okay! I love questions about being a system! I’ll try and answer to the best of my ability! (I’ll try and talk about the main things we deal with!)

In my experience, to put it simple it’s kind of like being a bunch of raccoons in a trench coat. And the raccoons all have different personalities, thoughts, feelings, memories, hobbies, etc.. and sometimes one raccoon or multiple will take the lead and take control :) that’s how i like to think of it at least-

A lot of the time, when we form a new alter it’s from a hyper fixation/special interest of the character and that tends to make an alter form, and of course stress and/or trauma can make the brain split more. (Autistic system thingz haha)

we found out we were a system sometime in i wanna say November 2021? And there were currently about 5 alters. And since then we now have around 36 currently! Link, the host which is the person who is kinda like the default fronter? For us at least :) he is the one who mainly takes care of the body, and takes the lead. It’s been awhile, but we’ve been working on communication right now after fully coming too terms that yes- this is permanent and isn’t something that will go away with time, and now being proud of it!

We like to keep a little page for everyone to leave a little message, art, reminders, in our notes app! This helps us all interact more, and makes for funny interactions :)

but being a system isn’t always fun, there will be times where you’ll want to close yourself off and never have even been a system in the first place, or terrified you were wrong and you were faking the whole time, and many other things that might be a little too triggering/personal.

thanks for the question anon! Hope this was ok! sorry for the entire essay- if you have more questions feel free to ask :]

-spirit🚂 (he/they)

[simbelene]

I Have Been Betrayed....

I dug too deep you guys.....I wasn' t supposed to know all this!

Ma'am, I'm just here to write my fanfic okay? (which I still need to work on. I have to somehow make Loki and Doctor Strange like each other.) I shouldn't know all this, but I do. And now you have to too!

As most of you already know, I'm pretty vocal when it comes to people acting like assholes online. I've already been dubbed the vigilante of simstagram.

"And with great power, comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben

In doing that, I find like minded people (or they find me). On more than one occasion I've had people ask me if I could dig into[insert creator here]. Sometimes I find stuff, sometimes I don't. But this here found me!

Before we even get into the tea, let me say this (and I cannot stress it enough): I DO NOT HAVE A LIST! Don't even ask cause I'mma tell you right now, I ain't got it! All I have are these screenshots that were presented to me and the power of deduction!

So word on the street is Cowbuild, amongst other creators, have a "tracking list" where they "track" their Patreon subscribers in fear that they'll "leak" their content.

Well....I have a little birdie and this birdie sent me a series of screenshots. We'll start with these:

This is a conversation between birdie and Cowbuild. Now, Cowbuild swears up and down that there's no list. Well I also have the discord dms and they're tellin me a different story:

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

"I will check and compare with my list so we can improve it and get ahead of these leakers" - Cowbuild. 2021

Here we go lying again! There will links to full receipts at the end of this post.

In the chat they mention a name "Snail Kitten" and to make note of them on their sheet. I'm assuming it's the coveted "leaker list". Cowbuild acknowledged it by saying "I can note it myself". Now, while I don't have the list, I have a name: Snail Kitten. Quick search on Google and....

Well, well, well look what we have here! Snail Kitten is a patron of Cowbuild! Only subscribers can comment on posts. Snail Kitten seems to be an active subscriber too! Snail Kitten seems to vbe a loyal Patron of a few creators. I bet you all they wanted to do was have some nice CC in their game. They did not ask for their information to be exploited on discord!

There's no other mention of them outside of Patreon. Except for mimotos posts. There's no other mention of them outside of that.

I have no way of contacting Snail Kitten, so if someone could send this their way, that would be much appreciated! They have the right to know their information is being shared in the discord!

Which shocked the hell outta me if I'm being honest! I expect this type of behavior from the likes of Cowbuild and HMB, and maybe even leosims but Bergdorf?! GIIRRRRRLLLLL!!!!!!

Now here's where the betrayal comes in.

You who else's name is mentioned? Bergdorf! B E R G D O R F !

I used her bags in one my posts! We connected over our mutual dislike of Deborah Hauzz! And then I find out you're just as bad? If not worse?! Like, Hauzz is a scam artist and bully sure, but as far as I know, she ain't out here sharing her customers information in a private discord. That's a literal invasion of privacy!

I feel so betrayed Bergdorf!😔

I've known about this for awhile. It's been hard keeping my mouth shut, but I did it! I knew all of this before I reblogged this post that was talking smack about Bergdorf. She then crawled in my DMs and I figured this would be a good time to catch her in a lie (and I did!)

You say there's no way, then how come Cowbuild is just out here enlightening people the ways of the criminals? Think about it now. How could Cowbuild know the exact subscriber that "leaked her kitchen set". Also, how would she know that specific set? It's starting to look shady in here.

I can't make this stuff up people! I have a fanfic for that. There really is a group of y'all out here "comparing notes" of your subscribers, your paying customers, in case of the event that one of them "leaks" "your" content. And yes, "your" content because everyone's name that's been mentioned so far is a re-colorist at best. They buy their meshes and have the AUDACITY to be this uptight over it!

Every other creator doesn't have to go through all of this. Why? probably because they're not out here being shady. They're not making email list of "leakers". They're not gaslighting their followers. They're not converting without credit. They leave credit where credit is due. And they're not that pressed over their Patrons.

Think about it now.

Why do you think some creators require their Patrons to beg them for cc links? Yes, they beg. They beg in the comments section. "cAn I hAvE tHe LiNk?". Almost every comment on a post on Cowbuild's patreon is asking for a link. Sweetheart, you shouldn't have to BEG the creator for a link you PAID FOR! (read it again for those to don't understand) Cowbuild's stans love to call people "poor" and look down on others, and yet they're the ones in the comments begging for a link. Both hands out!

Of the two of us, who's actually the beggar? Cause it ain't me I'll tell you that!

This looks like the comments section of a YouTube video. The only difference is that these people actually paid for access to the link (and still have to ask🙄)

I think I've figured out how they're tracking their patrons: Sending individual links to specific people. Do you ever wonder why some Patreon creators say "I'll DM/E-Mail you the link"? It sounds little shady does it not? Especially when literally every other creator doesn't have to do that. If you've ever downloaded something from Patreon, you know that you can download content straight from the Patreon post. So why do all this under the table sharing? You paid to have access to the content and yet you still have to ask for it? That doesn't seem weird to you?

These people so paranoid that one of you is gonna re-upload their stuff somewhere (which happens anyway btw). So they put tracking numbers in the files to keep tabs on their subscribers. Allow me to remind you: THEY DO NOT MAKE IS CONTENT THEMSELVES. THEY BUY THEIR MESHES! I can't imagine fighting this hard for content I didn't even create. This isn't normal. REgular peopel don't do stuff like this!

A word to the community: This type of behavior will continue to happen as long as you continue to tolerate it. It's time to stop tolerating, and demand accountability! It's not enough to have have "drama of the week" and then then let them continue on about their day.

I mean......you know what you're doing is wrong. All of this is premeditated crimes. That's why you have this whole secret discord. That's why everyone mentioned in the chat is gonna be "hush hush" about it. You can ask them about it all you want, they're gonna deny everything I can tell you that right now! These are some pathological liars who love to manipulate. Of course they're not gonna admit to sharing the information of their followers with their consent!

And I have to laugh because guess what? You went through all of that shit, and we got your content anyway. You’re over here losing sleep for what? Tracking or not, we're gonna get your shit! So why bother sharing people's data? It's pointless.

It's time to take some action! Believe it or not, there are things you can do about it!

For starters, you can unsubscribe/unfollow these people. That's gonna be the most effective and practical thing you can do. (I'm 110% with you because let's be honest, patreon don't so shit!) If you're subbed to one or more of these accounts and feel uncomfortable about them sharing your personal information, you can send an email to privacy@patreon.com. Or report them them to Patreon (hell, do both!). Just by going from those screenshots, it seems like if you're a sub, your name might be on the list. This is no longer a "omg you copied" issue, this is security/privacy issue!

Your personal information is at risk!

TL;DR: Cowbuild, Bergdorf, and HerMajestyBuilds are allegedly sharing the names and emails of their Patrons. I have one Patron subscriber who's information has been shared and it's Snail Kitten (If you know how to get in contact with them, please do! they need to know!) I've already unsubcribed and blocked these people. You should do the same! Not amount of CC is worth your safety!

P.S: Here's a link to the full receipts

[captain-acab]

PIRATING ADOBE CC MASTERPOST

I was about to make this one of those posts that say, "Hey everyone, WATCH OUT, there's some ILLEGAL PIRATED Adobe software that you should definitely AVOID. Here's the link so you know what to look out for, because you wouldn't want to get stuff FREE by MISTAKE"... and then I realized, if Adobe actually wanted to come after me for copyright shit (which they don't), their lawyers don't fucking care if I did it with a coy wink and a nudge.

So fuck em.

Fucking steal that shit. It's a moral imperative.

(And if you don't want to for personal reasons, or because you're a business and they will come after you, you can get Adobe CS2 free legally, or any of these decent free alternatives.)

But if you want the real CC, read on!

The crack:

god I sound like a drug dealer now

I use the 2019 CC cracks made by Zer0Cod3, who was taken down almost immediately after, but this mirror site still works as of July 2021: https://cgpersia.com/2019/01/adobe-2019-cc-collection-win-x64-148263.html

You have to download it using one of the options at the bottom of the site (I used RapidGator) and it's a pain in the ass but still ultimately safer than trying to find a torrent (send me an ask about that if you want another masterpost).

How to use:

Once the files download, PUT YOUR COMPUTER IN AIRPLANE MODE

Make a System Restore Point just in case anything goes wrong and you want to roll it all back.

Install the programs you want. They may ask for you to sign in or put in a key. Just click the "do it later" option and close out of the program as fast as you can. Ideally, try to install the programs without letting them launch at all.

Copy the crack file (the one with its name listed on the website) and REPLACE the original file of the same name. You don't actually have to use the patch tool.

If you're confused, let's do Photoshop as an example. So you've run the installer, and you now have Photoshop installed. Go to its Program Folder (on Windows it's usually "C:\Program Files\Adobe\Adobe Photoshop CC 2019\" but if you're ever unsure, you can install Everything Search then just search your whole computer for "photoshop.exe"). Delete the original photoshop.exe, and put the photoshop.exe that you downloaded in the exact same place.

DON'T OPEN IT YET. We need to block Adobe from verifying/updating these programs...

If you have any other genuine Adobe programs (e.g. Acrobat DC) make sure you've signed out of your Adobe account.

Block all these apps in your firewall (You can look up how to do that for your specific device). Also, if you're on Windows, you can open "C:\Windows\System32\drivers\etc\hosts" in a text editor and add the follow: 0.0.0.0 lmlicenses.wip4.adobe.com 0.0.0.0 lm.licenses.adobe.com 0.0.0.0 na1r.services.adobe.com 0.0.0.0 hlrcv.stage.adobe.com 0.0.0.0 practivate.adobe.com 0.0.0.0 activate.adobe.com

Next (on Windows), open Services.msc and set the following to Startup Type - Disabled: Adobe Genuine Software Monitor Adobe Genuine Software Integrity Service AdobeUpdateService

(Mac has an equivalent called launchctl, so you can check there for things with similar names to disable.)

That's it! You're good to go!

Obviously if you get any requests in-app to sign in, check for updates, or access the internet or Adobe Cloud, deny that shit. If something does go wrong with the install, the worst-case scenario is that you'll be on a free trial that will expire, and you'll have to FULLY UNINSTALL everything discussed above and try to repeat the steps fresh.

Final notes:

There's another way to get free Adobe CC called CCMaker. It uses AmtEmu, which emulates the amt files that Adobe used to verify these programs up through CS6. I didn't think AmtEmu still worked though. I've also heard CCMaker is faster and more lightweight, but I haven't tried it out so I can't confirm any of that. Try at your own risk.

Speaking of risks: I'm a stranger on the internet. There's no reason you should trust things I tell you to download (hell, I didn't trust these things when I was downloading them). I did run them through virus checkers (VirusTotal, Kaspersky, and Comodo), and apart from a few false-positives that are common with cracked software, it looked clean. I always recommend having a robust antivirus running. If you notice any suspicious behavior, try to isolate it and delete it. When in doubt, rollback to a system restore point made before you did any risky installations. Kaspersky is a very good free antivirus.

Lastly, if you found this guide useful, PLEASE REBLOG AND TAG THIS POST (and my other post linking to this one) so other people can benefit just the same!

And remember, piracy is cool! ✌

[fandomlovingfreak]

Egon Spengler/F!Reader

If He Never Left (1/?)

Rating: General Audiences

Trigger Warning: Yelling/angst

Word Count: 1354

MasterList Link I AO3 Link I Wattpad Link

Summary: The "what if" / fix-it-fic for my Egon Spengler fic "Before Summerville" 

Disclaimer: I do not own the Ghostbusters (sad, I know). This work has not been created for profit or financial compensation, and is a transformative fair use work in accordance with Section 107 of the United States Copyright Act.

Notes: We’ll see where this ride takes us. This is super self-indulgent, but I hope you enjoy this ride with me.

Enjoy

*****

"Let me get this straight--" 

I pause, trying to assemble my thoughts, "You believe you know where the apocalypse will start, and based on these... ruins in the middle of Oklahoma, you believe the year everything will literally go to hell is 2021?" I stare at him. Both of us are clearly sleep-deprived. Largely this is due to our three-month-old daughter's sleep schedule, but when your partner is clearly troubled by something they can't articulate to you. 

Egon has become further obsessive with his work for the past few weeks. Coming home late, barely eating and sleeping... It wasn't only alarming but also confusing as he'd been so attentive for the entirety of my pregnancy and the first month and a half of Callie's life. I thought I had done something wrong... not been supportive enough or loving. Turns out that wasn't the case.

"That is... an oversimplification, but generally, yes. That is what I am saying."

"And you're certain that this is the truth and not something you dreamt up after barely sleeping now for over a week?" I don't mean to sound condescending, but it's the truth. It can't be healthy getting an hour of sleep per night.

"(y/n), I am certain that this is happening. If you're just going to--" he looks so frustrated, "brush me off like Ray, I don't want to hear it--"

As much as I love the way he's so passionate about the things he cares about, sometimes Egon can get excessively angry when you don't quite understand him. "Hey, I wasn't brushing you off. I'm worried that you're not taking care of yourself. Callie's already a lot of work, and I know it can be stressful at times with her crying... but, Egon, this is concerning behavior."

He runs a hand through his hair, looking around for a moment at our living room, "I need to go to Oklahoma."

"What do you mean? For-- for a trip to see this thing--"

Meeting my eyes, he quietly says, "I need to go permanently."

"Permanently? Don't you think we should talk about this first? This is a large decision to make at three in the morning... I mean, what would we do in Oklahoma?" He gives me a look, lips tightening into a line. 

The bastard wasn't asking me to relocate, was he? 

"No."

"(y/n)--"

"No! You are not leaving us here. I won't hear another word about it." I move around him, reaching for the bedroom door handle.

His hand, reaching out for me, stops my escape from the conversation. "It's a matter of the world ending--"

"I don't care if it's because the world is ending tomorrow! You cannot leave us here, Egon!"

"I wouldn't if it were safe--"

A noise of annoyance leaves my lips, "I don't care. If you're going, Callie and I are coming too. You don't get to just rip apart our family over something that could happen thirty years from now." 

He blinks at me for a moment before turning around, "It wouldn't be easy. I can't afford to give you the life you deserve--"

"Egon, we barely get by as of now. Besides, I'll get a job somewhere in whatever dumpy old town in Oklahoma. How on Earth did you think you would make ends meet without bringing in any source of money?"

"I had plans..."

"Oh my god! Have you been planning this? Were you even going to tell me, or were you arranging on leaving in the dead of night?"

At least he has the decency to appear sheepish, "(y/n), it wasn't an easy decision..."

"Easy enough to just up abandon your family, though!"

Egon grabs my shoulders, forcing me to give him my undivided attention, "Why do you think I haven't left? It wasn't easy to just leave. Choosing to give up my daughter and-- and you. I would always regret leaving you."

I feel my heart beating wildly in my chest, "Then don't leave. You don't have to regret anything if you don't leave us behind."

His breathing is harsh as he searches my face before hanging his head. His grip on my shoulders eases, "(y/n)--"

"Don't," I tilt his chin up to look me in the eyes, "leave."

Egon stares blankly at me. 

"Come to bed." Gently, I pull him towards our room, "You need to sleep."

He's easily maneuvered to sit on the bed. Tenderly, I remove his glasses, setting them down on the bedside table.

"Lift your arms." He does what I ask so I can pull his t-shirt over his head. There is something childlike about his appearance right now; hair mussed and exhaustion clear in the way his shoulder's slightly slump forwards.

The urge to hold him is overwhelming. To show him how much love I have for him. How much I need him to stay.

"Let's go to bed." I settle into the bed, making grabby hands towards him. Egon slowly moves towards me, slightly collapsing against my body. He feels heavy in my arms, head resting on my stomach, but I could care less.

The weight of him is reassurance that he's here. That he's not going to leave us.

I card my fingers through his hair, blunt nails scratching against his scalp occasionally, as I tune into the sound of his breathing.

Minutes pass, and I gradually feel him settle against me, his breathing evening out as he drifts into a deep sleep.

***

Waking up is a less than a graceful moment for me. I sit up, panic filling me as I reach for Egon's side of the bed, finding it empty and cold.

He better have not left. He better not have abandoned us...

Nervously, I open the door, expecting to be met with an empty living room. To have woken up in a world where I am a single mother. To a world without Egon.

Instead, I'm met with the sight of my beloved feeding our daughter, watching her intently.

A sigh of relief leaves my body as I let my body relax. The tension draining from my person.

I can tell that he's more relaxed, more himself than he's been in a long time. The tension his shoulders have held for the past month is gone, and the anxiety furrowing his brow dissipated.

"You were right. I can't leave her." He glances up at me, careful not to jostle the baby.

"You promise?" The question comes out shaky. Maybe, the anxiety hasn't completely been expelled from my body.

Egon stands, still cradling Callie to his chest. He moves closer, almost hesitantly, "We should start packing."

Moving my hand, I cradle Callie's head in my hand, the other hand moving to the nape of Egon's neck. He leans his forehead against mine. "If I tell you to run, you have to promise me you will listen. Do you understand me?"

"We're going to figure this out together--"

"Promise me. It's the only way I'll agree."

Pulling away, I see the seriousness in his eyes. There's fear hidden deep within the serious look. 

"Okay. I promise you that I will take her far away if you ask me to."

He nods, "Okay."

Two Weeks Later...

"It's—" 

He looks over at me from the driver's seat, "a dump."

"I was going to be nicer. It just needs a little… well, a little of everything." 

I turn to look at the backseat of Ecto-1, where we've installed Callie's car seat. To my surprise, she's slept soundly for the last two hours of the drive.

We're sitting at the driveway base, looking towards the beaten-up old farmhouse. It isn't a pretty sight, but there's potential in broken things.

"I told you it wouldn't be nice."

"What on Earth are we going to do with all this farmland?" As far as I can see there are acres upon acres of fields.

"We are going to create a very large trap."

"You'll have to fill me in on what exactly we're going up against here."

"Let's focus on getting settled first."

"Fair enough." I reach for his hand, squeezing it softly.

[christinebloodwrittings]

Little Drawbacks (Part one)

Pairing: Loki x Fem!Reader

Summary: An armed plot calls the avengers together again, this time with the ineffective help of the god of mischief. Given the complexity of the case, SHIELD was forced to call a retired agent back to the field.

Warnings for this chapter: Curses, mentions of blood and guns.

Loki Taglist: @lokisprettygirl22 @lucky-foxface @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @high-functioning-lokipath @thereadinggeek @el-zef

*Ok so before everything, yes, all the avengers are alive, let's just pretend that, ok? and yes it will be 2021 after Thanos and all that mess, enjoy (And yes, I am aware that those are not the cannon dates, but let's go this way k? Trust me)*

Next Chapter ___ Masterlist

Someone, anyone who heard it, would say "I'm sorry" or "My condolences", that day nobody said shit, they just watched the crate of a boy of no less than thirteen years old go down into the dark hole to be covered by dirt.

No one cried for him, they couldn't, my father didn't like senseless emotions like pity or anger, that's why he kept making me and my sister happy, "Happy as a clam" he used to say, all the fucking time. In the long run, it gets boring, emotions are something natural, something strictly linked to our most primitive instincts, the moment I opened my mouth to say something about it, it all started.

2012.

It was so weird.

That morning at 6:30, I stretched out and got out of bed to start the day, took a shower, chose a more or less simple outfit, ate an absolutely unhealthy breakfast, because I had leftover donuts from last night, and headed out.

My job was pretty simple, get behind the moldy desk, pretend to organize some documents and complete mission reports while I kept people away from hacking the system, along with three other agents. All tasks that required a steady hand to write, as Maria Hill called it the day I started to work.

Not that I didn't enjoyed it, because I did, but my set of skills were enough to be a field agent, not some sort of paper-tidying doll with a cold, lifeless gaze, as most of the people who worked in the office had.

But that wasn't the weird thing about that day.

To sum it up, Maria came to my desk and asked me to follow her to the roof, she looked very hurt and the smell of blood and sweat would attract attention, so I thought it would be better not to question her and follow her to the helicopter that was flying, more like hovering, over the roof.

"Get inside!" She screamed over the noise of the engines, I ran taking care of my head from the propellers and jumped into a seat, quickly fastening all possible seatbelts.

“What the hell is going on!” I caught her attention with the confused stare I shot at her.

“I’ll explain when we get there!” heard her through the headphones a man gave me and nodded in response. The city looked so pretty from up high, but you really didn’t had time to appreciate it, “Pretty weird seeing you without being glued to Fury’s leg, is he dead or something?” you yelled, earning a disapproval look from her and a soft giggle from the man next to you.

“He’s busy gathering the Avengers, we have a situation and I require stealth” Obviously I wasn’t going to fall for her lies, with a single arch of an eyebrow I made her spill the beans, "Barton was kidnapped" she confessed, "So replacement, I don’t feel at all offended" she sighed and handed you a classic yellow folder with the name ‘Loki’ written on it.

“Loki? Like the Norse god? Terrorists are so creative these days” settling the files on my lap I stared at the weapon, a scepter with a shiny rock, “No, he’s the actual god, a lunatic from outer space…literally” I gave her a confused look as I went through the little info they had about him, plus a few pictures.

“We’re holding him in a cell, but I have a hunch” she explained, “Too easy” she nodded and I knew, something was definitely up.

“This is everything on him so far, right?” I asked, there were a few side notes provided by his brother Thor, but weren’t really useful to loosen up the knot in my stomach.

‘Trickster god, now that’s reassuring. He looks like a well grown man, but if the reasons for this show are what appears here then there’re dealing with a brat that requires a good old fashioned beating’ I thought passing two fingers over my lips in a thoughtful way.

“What did you need me for again?” I questioned while handing her back the folder.

“I--” She was cut off by an explosion sound, it was deafening but thanks to the headphones it stopped midway. Part of the helicopter door to my left was destroyed and wide open.

In the sky, I saw SHIELD's Helicarrier, along with several planes firing at the engines. Nothing came out of my mouth more than a gasp. "Y/N!" barely heard Maria scream my name. And then I saw the reason, part of my seat almost hung from the screws that held it to the helicopter, but I did not care that I was in danger of death, something in the distance caught my attention.

I was watching the man in the photos jump towards a transporter, his clothes appeared to be green adorned with gold. And he looked buff and tall. That much I could appreciate due to the distance. I noticed him how he stopped midway, a red dot appearing on his forehead.

"Motherfucker!" exclaimed a soldier next to me, aiming his gun at Loki, no second thoughts, I just unfastened my seatbelt and jumped on him, the shot bounced off the metal until it was lost in the air. When my eyes went back to the helicopter, the transporter’s gate was closed and it was taking off. My mouth fell agape.

What the fuck did I do?

"What were you thinking?! Agent Harper had Loki in his shooting range, and if not for your impertinence and insubordination he would not have escaped!" Fury yelled as he paced in his command center.

"There was something off with him, besides how dare you suppose that simple bullets would kill a god? you have to think about this more calmly" he turned around and scoffed, "We don't have time to think about it, Loki has an army coming" images about a device started showing on the screens.

“Sir I—” he cut me off, “Y/n, for years you’ve been a remarkable agent, a loyal soldier, a good friend” he put his hand on my shoulder as he softened his tone in the end, “But you let yourself be pushed around by your own impulses, and that’s something I cannot have in war” I know exactly where he was going, “Were gonna have to let-“ before he could finish that sentence I shot him something that at least would put some extra money in my pocket, “I quit, and I demand due to years of service my right to retirement”.

The check-in agents took my chip away and handed me a box with some books and the cushion I had on my chair. It was a shitty situation, but this kind of incident had already happened in the past, despite my good performance, I did let myself go.

The idiot I had let go caused a literal war in the district I lived in, when I got to my apartment, the building was destroyed by a huge monster that crushed the roof and literally everything in front of me right after I opened the door.

But at that time? I didn't give a fuck about it. I just turned around and let the actual agents deal with it.

BUT! Before I even realized it, it was April 2021, I was about to turn twenty-five years old in just ten days. “Agent Y/N Ora Rivers” but that motherfucker in the blue starred suit had to appear at my door, “No” I closed the door in the face of Captain America, because fuck it! “Miss Y/N, I really need to” his voice was like honey, but there was no way in hell I would go back, “NO! IT’S BEEN NINE FUCKING YEARS!!” I yelled against the door, “Miss Y/N! You’re needed back in SHIELD, there’s been a situation” I heard him try to sound convincing, “It’s about some issue with mutants, Fury told me you would know more about it”.

In that moment, that spark I had nine years ago, the adrenaline, the rage…It all came back.

“Move stipes, and radio everyone and tell them I’m in no mood for any bullshit” he tilted his cap out of curtsey and lead me to the jet just casually parked in the middle of my field, “Fucking great” I said getting in and taking one of the seats, one without a window.

“No window view?” he asked while sitting in front of me, my lack of response made him clear his throat and start with another option. “Steve Rogers, pleasure to meet you” I shook his hand, sadly I couldn’t be nicer to him, that couple of sentences regarding Fury and the whole thing happening, got me pretty on edge.

Cap never said a word after that, I think he thought I'd have to calm down before meeting with the team, I appreciated the gesture, but it wasn't like he was very talkative per se, even after the plane dropped us off at the airport. He didn't say much, other than 'this way' when he was about to make a wrong turn on the way out of the gate.

I felt very nervous about everything that was happening, on the one hand I was going to go back to work, but on the other hand, maybe my suspicions about who was causing an Avengers level threat could be right, that scared me.

Perhaps he noticed, because from one second to the next, the captain's hand moved to my shoulder, his thumb lightly stroking the material of my shirt.

I smiled at him; he wasn't going to get more than that.

"I have to fix a couple of things on the second floor, go straight to the last one, I'll catch up with you in a bit" she pressed the button that said 'penthouse' and got off at the second floor, just like he said.

I went up without any problem, I even thought that I had a decent meeting with my new companions and that stupid Fury, until the damn elevator door opened.

"You"