#learninghowtolovemyselfcc

[scorchieart]

"CLAVIS! What have you done?!"

"Oh, Yves, spectacular timing! My back is positively obliterated hunched over poking this needle for the past... what time is it? Oh, the Sun's gone. No matter. You're welcome for finishing it!"

"'Finishing'? It's... it's ruined!"

"Enhanced, my prince."

"That was supposed to be a heartwarming handmade gift. Now what will she think?"

"She will cry tears of joy at this legendary collaboration between the two most artistic princes Rhodolite has ever known."

"She'll be crying, alright. And I might just join her."

"Aww, does someone need a hug?"

"No! You don't get it. She's been feeling down lately. I just wanted to... make her smile again..."

"Well now, if that isn't the essence of gentlemanliness then I'm a gelatinous goo-monster from Mars!"

"That's not entirely off the table."

"Hey, you can be gentlemanly to other gentlemen too, you know."

"Uhh... it was a... compliment?"

"Well, goo-monsters are spineless, which means I'd be rid of this premature hunchback, so thank you! You're learning! Look at how wide my smile is!"

"It's creepy. I mean—creative."

"Excellent save, my apprentice. Oh, I just had the most wonderful idea! Why don't we both pay her a visit and bring her lots of smiles together? Can you imagine a better gift from the two most gentlemanly princes Rhodolite has ever known?"

My entry for the Learning How to Love Myself CC hosted by @venulus. I recently rediscovered my embroidery hobby, and it's been a wonderful remedy to remind myself to take a step back from the world and focus on me for a little while. I recommend it if you're in the market for a low barrier to entry, high reward hobby. 💜 Take care!

[candied-boys]

🧸 Family Portrait 💚

Thank you @amarara for this beautiful drawing!!! I'm so happy I don't know what to say 🥹 but if anyone is thinking about getting their fav or OC drawn please check out Amara's page here!

My blog header was also commissioned from Amara 😋 yum yum! She has such a lovely soft style!!!

@venulus Here's another submission for the challenge. Originally I gave amara a general look that I liked but in the end when I saw it I realised the woman in the picture wasn't me and I was really sad. So I worked up the courage to be honest with myself and asked her to change it to look like me and now I'm so happy 😭 thanks for being so supportive and encouraging with this little event Venus! It's given me a lot of inner strength to like myself and accept myself and my feelings

[rinaririr]

*busts down door* I finished this just in time for @venulus ‘s “Learning How to Love Myself CC”!!! I thought my wrist was going to fall off 💀 Thank you Venus for the excuse to draw something very self-indulgent.

Executive dysfunction is difficult. Your mind is loud and obnoxious, screaming at you to “do the thing.” In theory, it’s so simple to just start the task. But it doesn’t matter how “easy” it is to do something, and no matter how much i want to do it, my body cannot physically do it. It’s like having some invisible force pinning my body down. And even if i start the task after who knows how long, there are too many thoughts racing and i just can’t focused. So much energy is spent wrestling my mind that there’s little left to function, and it makes me feel like a lazy good-for-nothing, especially as someone whose worth has been ties to what they do.

Long ramble aside, enjoy this very self-indulgent comic of Leo comforting Lea on a bad day when her thoughts are extra loud and it’s difficult to do anything. Comics and pacing isn’t my strong suit, and it’s my first time (i think?) that i made a comic so… it’s not the greatest lol.

[rjthirsty]

To be Understood

Chevalier&Reader (First Person pov)

Words: 1172

Rating: G

This was done for @venulus Learning How to Love Myself challenge. Contains discussion of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

“Chev?” I glanced up from my game to look over at Chevalier, who was sitting in a nearby, upholstered chair. He didn’t look up, but a gentle “hm” indicated he was listening to me. “Do you know what autism is?”

For some reason, his gloved fingers, which were just about to turn a page, paused and held touching the corner of the book he was reading.

“I’ve just been thinking about it.” I glanced away, staring at the frozen screen on my handheld as if the characters there would have some sort of encouraging words. “I was thinking about how when the kiddo was diagnosed, and when I started learning about it to help him cope and manage - how so many things started falling into place. And…” I trailed off, not even entirely sure I wanted to say the words myself.

“Say it.” Chev prompted. I blinked and snapped my head in his direction again, surprised to see his icy blue eyes trained on me. Somehow, I earned his full attention.

“Uh… Just… I can understand it, ya’ know?” I shrugged, unsure of my own thoughts. Who was I to diagnose conditions? My reading to be a support for my kiddo didn’t give me the medical know-how to start looking at myself. And what if I was wrong? Would it be fair of me to fit in a category that didn’t actually pertain to me?

“When I was 4, I have a vivid memory of sobbing for hours because I didn’t get to follow my typical routine of hugging my mother after she dropped me off at daycare. She was in a hurry, and before I put my coat in my cubby, she was gone.”

“I hate being interrupted in the middle of a task. It takes me forever to get back into the groove of things. I have to reread and find that headspace again.”

“After hanging out with friends, I feel like I’ve been at a concert for the last five hours. My ears are ringing, and everything is SO LOUD. I find it hard to think. I hate feeling like that, but yet I had fun. Does that even make sense?”

“The squeak of styrofoam makes me physically recoil. The scratch of certain fabrics or textures on my skin makes me violent, it’s not painful, it just makes my skin crawl and it claws at my brain and I just have to get away from it.”

“I can’t eat gummy or jelly-like things, did you know that?”

“Most have food preferences.” Chev interjected. Turning my head to look at him, he was still fully focused on me, and I felt a sense of relief that he was actually listening to me.

“Yeah, no, I get that. But… I get this weird thought like it’s not food even if I know it is while I’m eating it and I want to retch and that’s.. That’s weird, right? My fingers were always in my food as a kid. My mother complained a lot about me and my quirks. I’d pull everything apart into bite-sized pieces so I could be sure that whatever I was eating was edible. It’s silly, right?”

“I’m ridiculously set on following instructions as presented. Like rules and things. If it’s a rule, everyone should do the rule. If someone isn’t doing the rule, I want to remind them it’s a rule and that it would be appropriate to follow it. Why can’t they just follow the rule? It’s right there. Everyone was told it. Just do the rule, right?!”

“Mistakes should be corrected.” Chev agreed.

“Yeah! Exactly! I’m just trying to help them do the right thing! And not only that, but people tend to think I’m sarcastic when I’m not. I don’t know what it is, but something about just flat out telling someone my thoughts means I’m clearly being deceptive and mean about it. You know how that is. You don’t say anything unless it’s necessary, and while that isn’t a bad thing, it can make you seem harsh. At least I understand you there.”

Chevalier snorted and graced me with a smirk.

“Don’t deny it. If I were to ask you how I did after making something for you to eat, you’d give me an honest critique and offer suggestions on improvements, but keep your personal opinions on the matter to yourself. I didn’t ask how you felt about it, I asked how I did, so you’d be objective.”

Chev set his elbow in his open book, sitting on his lap, leaning forward to put his chin in his hand as he listened to me. “Indeed. That was what you asked of me in this hypothetical.”

“I just don’t get it.” I sighed. “I’ve been told my whole life that I’m difficult.”

Pursing my lips, I glanced downward again. I could feel the heat of tears rimming my eyes. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be just like everyone else. So that every day isn’t a struggle to understand and be understood. Have you ever wanted to be like everyone else?”

Chevalier was silent for several seconds. I could tell he was considering the question and running through his extensive memory to pinpoint any time he might have actually wanted to be different. “I have never desired to be like everyone else. I am who I am, and I have accepted that. However, to be understood without pointless struggle - I don’t believe that exists.”

“What?” My gaze cut to Chev. “Is that why you don’t talk to people?”

“It is a factor. It’s simply a waste of time in most of my dealings to manage the information and detail one would need to match my level of understanding.”

“So… you’re saying that no one understands you. But you’re a genius, so that makes sense.”

“My intellect isn’t the only factor that creates a divide between myself and others.”

I stared at him, trying to make sense of what he was giving me. Of course his intellect created a rift with anyone he interacted with, but he was saying he was fundamentally different than other people. Than people he tended to deal with.

Chev despised social functions, yet he attended because it was his responsibility to do so. He found creating relationships difficult, and fostering friendships tedious and unreasonable. He found people to be confounding and emotions to be incomprehensible and needless as they interfered with logical conclusions. Emotions were irrational, that’s why they were emotions.

My eyes moved to his gloved hands, and I had to wonder if there were textures he found himself repulsed by. I looked at his book and considered how we were always quietly spending time in the same room. No noise to overwhelm me. No stimulus besides what we chose for ourselves, him reading his book and me playing my game.

“Oh,” I uttered, finally understanding. “You’re like me.”

[queengiuliettafirstlady]

The Porcelain Doll secrets 

The Porcelain Doll secrets 

Fandom: Ikemen Villain

Pairing: Elbert x July

Part of : Learning How to Love Myself Creation Challenge hosted by @venulus

Tag: Angst Hurt Comfort Body dysphoria Verbal harassment Insecurity Fluff

Word Count : 9.877

Author’s Note: A ball become an occasion for secrets to be revealed and confession to be made bringing two lovebirds closer than ever, past scars got mended and insecurities reassured with the feelings that hold their heart together bounded with love. 🥰

The doll of the title is July due to the her appearance she has often been compared to one. 🤗

Tag list

@kissmetwicekissmedeadly @aquagirl1978 

@william-rex @lichtluv

@writingwhimsey @fang-and-feather @moonstruckmelancholic

@wistfulwanderingone @rjthirsty @ike-garden2024

@jollibeeshappiness @starzyquee              

@maeko-kun @rkmaru

You can find me on AO3 as QueenJuliet 😊

Thank you for everyone who will like, reblog, or comment please be gentle with me english is not my first language so please do not leave rude comments I apologise for eventual errors I hope you will like it 😊

It was the dark of the night in London, all the mansion’s residents were wide awake, prowling the streets to punish the evil hidden in each corner of the capital.

Everyone had a mission to accomplish in their own way.

Anyone … but me.

The palace was eerily empty that evening offering me quite a rare occasion to roam its halls undisturbed, sighing heavily I leaned against a window frame clutching between my fingers a paper I learnt by heart for as many times as I read it.

Your Honourable Earl Elbert Greetia and his fiancée are cordially invited to the ball hosted by Your Grace Duke of Winchester held on saturday of the current week in his ancestral mansion in Hyde Park.

Wishing this letter would find you well, we await your presence most eagerly.

Faithfully yours.

                                           Lord Sebastian Redford. Duke of Winchester

I knew we should have attended, even more since my lover is a noble … but still my heart refused to yield to it.

Voices of a distant past, half memory half made-up swirled in my mind making me feel dizzy, I shook my head hoping, but in vain, to clear it, enough at least to let me reach my room, in a daze I wander around the hallways, stopping right in front of his room.

I know he had a mission but I hope he comes back soon unscathed, even though I know very well he won’t be, emotionally, wounds I would comfort him from by holding him close, brushing my fingers in his soft curls until he would feel asleep.

I let out a dreamy sigh looking back at our story, one of a kind, rolling lazily in the soft blue velvet sheets of his bed, as my eyes scanned each object we managed to collect together.

Together.

A word that I would have never thought possible between me and him when I first arrived, and that even now I find hard to believe, but my heart mad beating reveals the truth of a love too deep rooted to be forgotten.

Unlike the hateful invite whose pearlescent envelope still shines under the rays of the moonlight, discarded on his nightstand where I left it next to the spare key to his room he entrusted me with.

I never minded information gathering missions, after all that is part of my job, to deal with the most quiet and relatively peaceful part of it, since I am too sensitive to do otherwise.

The fact that bothers me the most is the hatred I have of parties, ever since I could remember even informal ones, but that night, no matter what I thought, I should have participated in that ball whether I liked it or not.

I should have been happy, even looked forward to it, too bad I feel otherwise, I knew it was just a mission, like Elbert and I had done countless times and yet I couldn’t help but feel panic rising in me at the mere prospect of participating in such an event.

Every normal girl would have been excited to join in.

But not me.

I am not normal. 

Everyone my age did their best to make me understand it through countless mockery, I paid them no mind I accepted it even but deep down I saw what it truly was, the tip of the iceberg of insecurities long concealed from the entire world.

I could have given up but the mere idea of leaving Elbert alone in such a place with so many people that would have fawned over him, making him uncomfortable, was unbearable to me and so I accepted.

The week went by in a blur and before I knew it Saturday had arrived.

Little did I know that my insecurities had picked that day, of all days, to pester me and were not going to budge until I felt like a rag, exactly how they wanted.

It wasn’t certainly the first time my kindness made me end up in an awkward situation, or that my low self-esteem tortured me so, but this time I wouldn't have given up because for nothing in the world I would have let him fight his demons alone, for this I accepted to accompany him.

Too bad I soon regretted my choice, cursing that mission as I found myself in the tailor shop Liam suggested to me.

The soft velvet wrapped around me was warm, a suffocating level of  smoldering for my liking, the bodice tight around my abdomen, almost painfully so, especially since my bosom looked a bit too much shown off, but I couldn't do anything about that, the bell sleeves covered my knuckles whereas the gown reached the floor, due to me being not tall enough , barely leaving out only the point of the low heeled dark teal pumps matching the empress teal color of my dress.

The only thing keeping me sane among all that mess was the stark sapphire of the golden engagement ring Elbert gifted me, the one I continue to caress to calm my racing mind trying to make peace with my heart, begging to not let my insecurities show, knowing better than to let anyone know my weakness no matter how much I trust them all.

At times I really do wonder what he sees in me, but it would be an insult to him to forget the immense affection ever present in his gestures and words showing me the depth of a love he held only for me, deep in his gentle heart, enough to tame, for a while, my doubts.

He, who could afford the very best in the world, picked me to be at his side.

He chose me above anyone else.

He wants me despite what I think of myself.

He loves me.

This alone fills my heart with a speck of courage enough to make me steer my resolve and come out of the changing room.

The first who notices me is Roger whose whistle of appreciation elicits me to be bolder, entering the spot of sun shining on the smooth parquet from the window as I swirl around myself giving Alfons and Harrison a front row seat to the show.

I do my best to feign nonchalance, feeling their gazes on me, but my voice betrays my emotions, coming out softer than how I would have liked to be.

“What do you think … of it ?”

The issue of the weird group that followed me to the seamstress is the fact that among them all the one I trust the most is Roger, whereas the other two are … well … pretty good liars.

I would have liked Liam to stay but he had a rehearsal for the following night opening spectacle and so I let him go, not desiring to ask anything knowing how much the theatre was to him.

“It’s pretty.”

His reaction was like a rain on a parade, chilling the little confidence I managed to collect back to square one, with all my inner doubts the word pretty is just what I need to hear, I look down, unable to meet Harry’s gaze any longer, adjusting my bodice as I bite my bottom lip.

I know in his head this wasn’t an insult, he just was listless since the one who dragged him along, bribing him with sweets, was Alfons, maybe the one of the three that know me better due to my relationship with Elbert.

“It looks nothing like the mannequin. I don’t know if it suits me.”

Roger was the first to talk,  perceiving the bitterness from my tone, seeing past my smile straight to the hasty way my finger kept pulling the lace on my back, rolling it around my digit, in a swift move he took it in his own hand leaving it to fall on my back.

“What really matters is how you feel in it ?”

“Disappointed. It looked so beautiful but now it feels like I am only lessening whatever charm it had.”

I gaze down, unable to meet his eyes, doing my best to drown the dark thoughts swirling in my mind, but I should have known he wouldn't let it slide off, even though he always called himself egotistical it was plain clear to me how deeply kind he was past his rough facade.

He cups my face in his hand, a glimmer of concern in his deep amber eyes as he gazes at me, his voice soothing almost like he was reassuring a scared puppy doing his best to make his word get to me.

“July listen to me. All bodies are beautiful no matter the size nor age. You can do anything you like thanks to it. That is all that should matter to you.”

“You are saying … I should be happy ?” 

“You should be proud of what you are always and forever.”

I know he is telling the truth, but it’s much more difficult to let it sink in ever since I always believe I'm not good enough.

“Moreover, there's nothing wrong with being different. You know the world is made of difference and different is not equivalent to ugly.”

I turn to look at Harrison, who wandered next to me, he took my hand in his, in doing so the light shine on the sapphire gem glimmering on my finger, offering me an anchor amidst the stormy sea of doubt swirling in me.

“I know Harry.”

I adjust some wrinkles on my gown, invisible to anyone, but me, offering him a strained smile, catching a glimpse of sympathy in his turquoise eyes.

“Thank you anyway for coming with me. I am sorry for wasting your time.”

“Don’t mention it, no one had anything to do and this is far more preferable than staying in the palace doing nothing anyway.”

I return the gentle squeeze of his hand on mine, looking at him with a smile, hopefully brighter than the one before, reluctantly I slide away from them, faking a composure I don’t possess as I walk toward the changing room.

As soon as I close the silk scarlet curtain behind me I place a hand above my heart beating madly in my chest, swallowing as I could all the insults echoing in my mind, clutching my other hand on the golden looking glass frame to steady myself.

I had done my best to avoid looking too much at my reflection in the mirror ever since I got changed, the same I am forced to see when my gaze jolted up at it, startled by the feeling of two hands landing on my shoulder.

“Our little robin looks upset, I wonder why.”

I am in no mood for jokes and I know he must have sensed it as I pout, my patience is growing thinner, unlike my hips despite the steel grip of the laces he wrapped tight, just like I asked of him, but he seems to care nothing of it as he continues unfazed by my glare.

“It may not seem an universal truth but a lot of girls would literally give anything to have an hourglass figure without needing a corset.”

Alfons voice coo sweetly in my ear but I know better than to believe his words, ignoring the way his hands gently tug one ribbon of my bodice and his warm breath fan over my neck as I meet his gaze in the mirror, soured by the bitter smile I offer him.

“I see you don’t trust me.”

I can’t help but frown at his words, I always knew he was pretty fickle but this was the first time he was so cruel. I know he was trying to cheer me up, but nothing anyone could do or say will sway what I think of myself.

“July of all the time you could, I would like you to trust me on this one.”

There is a shard of honesty flickering in his navy blue eyes while his gloved hands stretch closer to the nape of my neck.

“If you desire I could show you through the others' eyes.”

“Others ?”

“Even Elbert. You may feel what he sees when he looks at you.”

“But it would be an illusion.”

“Would you say it to be such a bad thing, if it improves your self-esteem ?”

“No … but I don’t want to, thank you.”

“As you wish.”

With an exaggerated gesture he takes my hand in his, placing a kiss on its back, I turn to face him only to see his dark coat, pouting as I look up at him.

“What a fierce expression on your visage. I am almost tempted to sweep you away for myself.”

“Elbert won’t be happy.” 

“Would you ?”

“No. I love him.”

“You are so pure I can see why he loves you. In exchange for your honesty I will be too, for this time alone, mind you. I find this dress to be quite flattering to you. It compliments well your peculiar green-grey eyes and your raven curls.”

In so telling he brushes his thumb on my cheek before taking a strand of my hair between his fingers bringing it to his lips before leaning it back on my shoulder. 

“Alfons is right, that color really suits your complexion.”

“Pale as a sheet.” 

I chuckle softly looking at Roger, not missing the hint of sterness in his gaze as he sighs softly.

“Fair, with a touch of red on your lips and cheeks.” 

I smile up at him, collecting enough courage to look at my reflection in the long mirror on the wall.

“Do you really think so ?”

I half-await half-dread to hear the answer, thinking his compliments to be mere lip service but I can’t deny the jolt of happiness bolting in my heart at his words.

“You really do look like a porcelain doll to me.” 

I smile up at him, seeing something akin to a mirth glimmering in his amber gaze as he looks down at me.

“I am so happy to hear that. I really hope to not embarrass him.”

“I don't think he will think that of you, ever.”

“I know … is only that … I want to look pretty … at least to him, tonight.” 

My voice soft, almost pleading to who or what I couldn’t really say … mayhap wishing, for once, to be enough. 

“You already do or otherwise he would have not made you his fiancée.”

I look at Harry, smiling at the sight of him nonchalantly chewing on a candy, wishing his carefree attitude could rub off on me, even a little bit.

At that moment the doorbell rings, signing a new client, I turn around to look at the entrance to that private part of the shop in time to see a flash of pink walking in.

“Hello everyone.”

Liam’s bubbly attitude is enough to put me in a good mood. I turned toward him, hoping he would notice me eagerly waiting for his opinion.

I smile at the sight of his cherry blossom eyes widening with surprise as they set on me while a smile brighter than the sun appears on his lips, lightning his soft features.

“Ohhhh July you look stunning.” Giggle of happiness bubbles out from my lips as I return his warm hug, revelling in his sweet scent as he holds me close.

“Thank you Liam.” A flicker of reluctance glimmer in his gaze he pulls away, taking my hands in his.

“Ahhh I am almost envious to not be the one to accompany you tonight.”

“I will tell you anything once I get home I promise.”

“Ahh I look forward to it then. I bet you will make some heads turn too.” 

With a wink he plops down on the sofa leaning back on the pillows as he smiles at me.

“Oh my, this could be quite troublesome to have two good-looking people in the same place.”

Alfons words make me laugh, strangely, managing to make me forget, be it for a little while, the weight of insecurities from my heart.  

The ride toward the mansion that evening can only be described as dreadful, if not for the idly chat Alfons tried to sway my mind with, and the warmth of Elbert's hand engulfing mine.

I squeeze it in return, smiling at him, ever so thoughtful he must have sensed something was wrong since morning for he did nothing but shower me in compliments ever since I showed up for breakfast, without mentioning the passionate kiss he pulled me in after seeing me in my gown.

“I would have rather stayed home.”

“I feel the same.”

Even though I doubt we have the same reason for it.

“I don’t want to share you with anyone. Tonight especially you look even more lovely, like a star.”

I smile as he nuzzles on my shoulder, leaving a gentle kiss on my neck like an overly affectionate cat seeking his owner’s affection, a really beautiful and possessive cat obsessed with his mistress.

There is a vulnerability in his voice as he speaks, wrapping one arm around my waist as he shifts closer to me.

“You are my star, mine alone. I want you all to myself.”

“I am Elbie. I am.” 

The demons in his mind seemed to quiet down as he tightened his arm around me, cooing sweetly in my ear.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He leaves an achingly tender kiss on my forehead, moving me to the core, to the point I struggle to keep at bay tears as he lifts my hand in his, kissing my finger above my ring.

Useless to say he behaves like a proper gentleman all the way, helping me get off the carriage, placing a kiss on my hand whose blush I rush to cover behind my fan, robbing me a yelp as he snuck behind it to place a kiss on my cheek, making me happy even more than words could convey.

His gaze fixed on me, gives me the confidence I needed as we walk toward the palace, my hand on his elbow, as it is proper for a couple, etiquette that didn't reach to damp the bright way I smile at the warm touch of his hand on mine, too lost in each other gaze we barely hear the chamberlain’s voice as he presents us to the hall before we make our way to the ballroom.

It was all a dream.

Then the dream shattered.

Like a mirror cracking in countless splinters shining on the sickeningly fake smile of the nobles looking down at me.

A butterfly caught by a net destined to be a specimen, that's how I feel, walking around the room under the envious eyes of the same people that make the good and bad weather in London's social season ruled by etiquette and unspoken rules, things I am not accustomed to, nor understand, like the outcast I was and always would have been.

I wish he could have stayed with me but the mission comes first and so he had to follow Alfons, I would have done anything to make him stay … but I couldn't.

I told him I would have been alright, but I knew it was a lie he must have seen through judging by his heart's spoken words.

“If you feel uncomfortable, come to me.”

“I will, don't worry.”

I assured him with a smile, but deep down I knew better than to pester him for such a silly reason. I wander for a couple of minutes around the hall but not to no avail, I have yet to catch some interesting rumors, enough to report to him anyway, the urge to run to him and hide away in a corner is strong but he is working and I couldn't possibly be so irresponsible as to leave Alfons alone.

It is already too much for me to be completely useless for this mission, leaving all the gathering information to the others, the least I could do is stay out of everyone's way and beg to fly under the radar, enough to not be bothered by any mockery.

Elbert never minded me being different then why should I ?

As this thought pops up in my mind a flicker of confidence begins to burn in my heart as I make my way toward a group of people chatting next to the buffet table when someone else caught my attention.

A grumpy woman, dressed in brown, looks down at me, before I can escape though I see her marching toward me.

It would have been a sign of being uncouth to not wait, even though something nagged at me knowing I would have regretted it, but Elbert's reputation comes first, I couldn’t make him embarrassed about me, no matter what, and so I stayed.

I am lucky enough to be with him, weird as I am, I can't disappoint him and risk him giving up on me, the mere idea makes a cold shiver run down my spine, I do my best to ignore taking a sip from my water-filled glass.

“You must be Lord Elbert's partner. I heard you were announced as such.”

“Yes, I am. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance. ”

My words stop abruptly as she talks over me, and what comes out from her lips makes my blood freeze in my veins. 

“For tonight alone I hope.” 

Adding to the uncomfort of the situation are her eyes full of disdain, I don’t doubt shared by those around her.

“Why did you ask ?”

“You see, because I could never picture you as his fiancée.” 

“Why not ?”

“Oh dear you are pretty I give you that but Lord Elbert is a handsome earl, a pretty coveted husband for many and you ... You can't be with him. You are not good enough for him.”

Her word hit the target, like a fist on the solar plexus it took all the air out of my lungs, set on fire by the mere act of breathing, I clutch the glass to the point of hearing my nails claw on its smooth surface, faking composure I take it to my lips, hoping the sip to calm down my nerves.

“But…” 

I am ready to reply, but I was never too good at standing up for myself even more in front of such arrogant persons and so I swallow my retort along with the humiliation of feeling watched by the nobles gathered in that part of the hall.

“Oh please don't protest, it's so middle class to take any advice personally.” 

She frowns looking down at me as I am the weird one, not her for insulting me as it was nothing, with a jolt of her wrist she clacked her fan open and then snapped it close, hitting it on her hand sign she has all intentions to steer the conversation where she want and nothing would have stopped her.

“You are not at the same level but I am sure that someone else will surely do, your pretty face will make some head turn I am sure. You just have to choose anyone … but not him.”

“Why are you telling me that ?” 

I wonder the reason why she is being so cruel to me, but no matter how I rack over my brain nothing comes to my mind, leaving me dumbfounded and wounded by her treatment I had no reason to deserve. 

“Someone has to, my dear. You are a clever girl and as such you must see that Lord Elbert is above anyone. He is a deity worthy of the very best and you, let me tell you, are a bit too peculiar for him, too eccentric, we may say. You are even friends with that actor, what is it called ?”

“Liam.” 

I clench my hand in my sleeves, ready to fight off whatever distasteful insult she would throw about him.

“Yes, him. He may be a star but nothing good comes out to frequent people like that.”

“He is a great person, and a talented artist.” 

I answer back, swallowing the temptation to splash my glass on her slimy face, if for nothing else to not taint Elbert’ s reputation, even though I know he would care very little I still don’t want to make me a nuisance for him.

“To a weirdo he surely is. But for the Ton he is just an entertainer. Exactly like you.”

The words stinging like vinegar on a scar, I can only look back at her wondering what I have done to her too deserves such insults.

But after all, I should have gotten used to it. 

I should have expected it.

I should have … but I didn’t, and now I am paying the price for forgetting a lesson I should have, by now, learned  by heart.

That I am and always would have been an outcast, foolish in believing in people's goodness, mad even in trusting them to be good to weirdos like me.

Voices from the past overlap with the ones in the present creating a hellish noise that was enough to drown out the little composure I have, making me feel dizzy.

Her face looks like a dried plum, as a slimy fake smile plasters on her lips, looking pretty smug for someone who spit vitriol at me just a moment ago.

I glare at her, defiantly and judging by the look in her gaze she didn't expect nor likes that attitude.

“If I may.”

I raise my gown in a courtesy doing my best to keep at bay the urge to flee the palace, walking till I found a quiet corner of the room, her words echoing in my head, rubbing salt on my wounds, making them bleed as I try, to no avail, to patch up, struggling to breath properly.

I hold back all evening but right now I need him, I need to be with him, to feel his warmth, to hear his voice reassuring me of his love.

But the moment I spot him my heart skips a beat, dragging along the others, as it painfully beats against my ribcage.

My throat tightens and the tears, I managed until that moment to hold in, threaten to spill on my cheek, I grit my teeth, begging to forget what I just saw, begging it to be a lie, an illusion even but Alfons is nowhere to be seen, so this must be the truth.

I feel my heart shattering, the sprintles cutting through my skin, I can only clutch my hand over my chest, the gemmed brooch printing its figure on my palm as I struggle, but in vain, to hold it together at least until I will be safe away from there.

He was talking with a girl, and I could see how pretty and graceful she was, feigning innocence as she flirted with him, an elegance I will never have, always too much and never enough for anyone, rage boiling in my veins pushing me out of that mess.

The cold air of the night is enough to freeze me but I didn't feel it as I ran toward the carriage we came with, asking the driver to bring me to Crown’s castle.

It was a lie.

All along it was all a lie.

His profession of love.

Our happiness.

I am nothing more than an object, beautiful as I could be, destined to be owned and discarded like everything he used to have in his room.

And only now I see the truth from lies.

It was a cruel way to find out I am nothing to him like he is to me.

Tears stream down my cheek hastily dried in my handkerchief, swallowing the little whimper escaping my lips, as I bend in two, anger surge in me enough to numb my heartache as we approach the castle.

Once at the palace I knock at the door, smiling wearily at the servant before dragging myself on the stairs, pushing open my door and collapsing on the floor as soon as it was closed.

The mix of sadness and rage explode as I hastily took off my dress, discarding it carelessly along my corset and socks on the floor, tearing away my accessories I slam on the vanity, sliding my large velvet nightgown over my undergarments, not desiring to look at my body any longer than I already have.

The mirror on the wall stares mockinly at me.

I don’t even need to look at him to ask my question.

-Mirror on the wall, Who is the fairest of them all ? 

-Not certainly you, stupid girl. Take a good look at yourself. 

His answer is harsher and more cruel than what I expected, but nothing I haven’t already told myself. 

I take a sheet from the wardrobe covering him with it, even though his words echo in my mind, another page in the list of insults and tease written in my mind the same that came back to the surface to torture my gullible heart.

In any case I am more than sure he didn’t notice me anyway, taken as he was in the conversation. I know he was just gathering information but my jealousy made all that appear much more malicious than how it was and yet I can’t do anything to banish it.

Especially at the thought he had now found something much more beautiful to cling to.

The mere idea take away all my energy pushing me to plop down wearily on the bed, hot tears stream down my cheek as I drown my sobs in a pillow, my hand clench on the sheets as I do my best to breath regularly but struggling to do so, I stretch my trembling fingers to take something from my nightstand but clumsy pushing it off. 

A little porcelain doll he gifted saying he reminded him of me.

A shriek of agony left my lips at the sight of the doll rolled on the carpet, looking like her strings has been cut, even her lips seems to be curled in a melancholic pout feeling alone away from his lover, whose doll still stood on the nightstand leaned back against the night lamp with a forlorn frown on his lips.

Exactly as I feel now that he gave up on me.

Another batch of fresh tears swell in my eyes, blurring my vision until the only thing I can see is the faint glimmer of the ring I hadn't the heart to take off.

There is no way he could love me.

There should have never been anything between us, maybe if there wasn't I wouldn't have suffered so much over a love that mayhap was never destined to be.

What silly dreams did I have ?

What I thought I was ?

My body is a jumbled mess of softness not attractive to anyone, my weirdness clear in anything I do or say, nor noble, nor accustomed to elegance, not an ounce of beauty in me.

Foolish my heart to think that a deity, who could have had the world at his fingertip, would have settled for someone so low, a mere worshipper not worthy even to tie his shoes let alone be by his side, as equal.

Folly of love my gullible heart brought me to trust in, and only now I see that it was all along a dream wished on a shooting star, fleeting and unreal as only a love like ours could be.

On top of all that I had embarrassed him, exactly like I didn't want to, making him the laughing stock of the nobility since his fiancée had the courtesy to leave the ball without telling anyone, nor even the host. 

A lump stuck in my throat at the picture of him being disappointed in me, so much I almost could hear his voice, the same I love so much, telling me he can’t be with me because of his tarnished reputation, affirming he deem me to be not beautiful enough anymore.

I clench the fabric of the pillow, biting on it to muffle the sobs as tears continue to soak it, only one to know the depth of my heartbreak knowing far too well he won’t come to me to repair it, pouring love between each crack like he used to, not now that he has finally see me for what I truly am, a mere servant not certainly a princess, trapped in a tower by a dragon no one will come to defeat to rescue me.

The bitterness of this statement takes my breath away, torment broken only by the knock at the door. I whip to look at it hastily drying my face with the back of my hand, swallowing my sobs in a soft sigh I hope he didn’t hear.

“July are you there ?” 

There is a frantic tone in his voice enough to make my heart tug in two at the idea he had come to me, despite what I thought. The charming prince coming to the rescue of his princess, a romantic trope I can’t help but feel my heart swell with warmth for, knowing he didn’t fully give up on me. Not yet. Still not even that adding it’s enough to snuff out the flame of affection telling me he came out of his love for me.

I bite my bottom lip as I fight the urge to answer him, hoping he will go away, not desiring to impose myself on him even more than I already do.

“July please answer me. Are you there ?” 

I hear panic setting in his usual monotone voice, I really am the worst kind of girl making him worry so much over a  nothingness like me, I feel guilty about the state I put him in. I know that if I don’t answer he probably will wake up the entire mansion making them prowl the streets of London fearing I have been kidnapped.

I sigh heavily, steeling my resolve, my voice coming out at least but so soft I doubt he heard it.

“Yes.” 

Yet he heard, he listened to me as he always did.

“Open me.” 

His request though is one I can’t allow no matter how much I love him, he hasn’t to see that pathetic show I am doing of myself exposing so shamefully my weakness and scars.

Truth to be told, the reason why I don't want him to see me is that I am afraid.

I have learnt at a high price to not show any weakness. Pretend, smile, nod, be polite and everyone will stop at the facade, not desiring to see where the truth lies, no one will mock you for who you are.

“I can't.” 

“Please.”

His pleading tone is like a poisoned apple sanking in my throat, fueling the mad desire to be with him to ease the pain clawing his kind heart.

“I can't … please Lord Elbert … go away.” 

My voice grows wobbly, cracking under the weight of emotions breaking the dam in my heart as they spill on my cheeks dripping over my words as I beg him to do something I deem the only one right to be.

The sound of his steps fade away on the carpet stinge my heart like an ice dagger … but I have no time to wallow in my thoughts because one moment later the metallic noise of the lock being played with takes me out of my reveries.

“I beg you … go away.” 

I am too weak to keep fighting his stubbornness, underestimating once more the weight of the love he has for me, the same steer determination that pushed him to acquire greedily anything he deemed beautiful is now settled on me, and I don’t know if I am mad, and honestly I cared little, but I liked seeing him so clingy, even obsessed, with me.

“I beg you to let me in.” 

He must have perceived something in my lack of answer, mayhaps hearing my heavy sighs, because he frets over to add in a much stronger tone that I know to be unable to reason with.

“I won't leave you nor until you open. I am sorry but I won't go away.”

I sit down on the bed, trying to adjust the sheets as I could in case he would have used his spare key to enter my room, even though I knew him to be too respectful to force him in even if he could.

“I care about you.” 

The aching desperation in his voice is enough to make me get up, in a rush I ran to refresh my face in the sink, hoping to look normal enough, even though I know my red eyes and pale cheeks would have betrayed me, sighing softly as I open the door.

“I am fine as you can see, now you can go away.”

I see in his eyes how my dismissive answer wounded him, but I really can’t bother him with my foolish doubts, especially since I am sure he has far more important things to do than squander his time on me anyway. 

“This isn’t fine to me.” 

His eyes became dark with something akin to anger, dripping on the frown curling his lips, before I could close the door though he slid inside.

“I am sorry for intruding but I can't leave you alone. Not now.”

“Why not ? You have no reason not to.” 

I am touched by his affection I really am, but I hope from the bottom of my heart he hasn’t come all the way to say he want to give up on me, but luckily my doubt are immediately brushed off at the sight of the confusion glimmering in his gaze as he looks down at me, his tone matter of fact as he asks.

“Why should I ?”

“At the ball … I embarrassed you.” 

I sink my upper teeth in my bottom lip waiting with bated breath for the disgust I foresaw coming from him … but in its place I see nothing of the likes, only a quizzical expression in his light blue eyes as he tilted his head to a side.

“How so ?”

The clouds in the sky decided that moment to move away letting the dim light of the crescent moon shine on his golden hair, making him appear even more the deity he is, beautiful as he always was and as much unreachable, for someone like me.

“I went away before you.” 

I slide my thumb on my ring, caring nothing for the light prickle of the gem scratching my skin, unable to meet his gaze, for fear of seeing his disappointment I keep my eyes fixed on the mess of clothes on the floor.

“I noticed.” 

His words hit like lightning in a summer storm. I snap my head up to look at him, meeting his concerned gaze.

“You ... did ?”

“Of course I did. I was about to come to you when I saw you fleeing away.” 

“But that girl …”

He is too clever for his own good, there is no way he missed the hint of bitterness in my tone as a frown curl involuntarily my lips while I grit my teeth doing my best to keep at bay tears from spilling out and ruin the little composure I have.

“The one I was taking information from ?” 

The detached way he talks about her puts at ease the hint of jealousy gnawing in my mind, I unclench my jaw enough to put my tongue to use as I answer.

“Yes, her.”

“It was Alfons’ doing. I doubt she would have talked otherwise. She thought she was talking with one of his accomplices.”

The pleading tone in his voice as he looks up at me, waiting patiently for me to speak, if I was comfortable doing it, nor judging nor chiding me, put me at ease pushing me to confide in him.

“July, tell me the truth, why did you leave the ball all alone ?” 

“It was because of a woman, she started teasing me and since everyone surely agreed with her I thought it was better to go away and let you work.” 

By the time I finished, tears were already pricking at the corner of my eyes, the memory of her harsh words and mocking smile still fresh in my mind, I sniffled to keep my composure, or a resemblance of, in front of him.

“I figured as much. That’s why I stepped in her shadow.” 

I am taken aback by his statement, all along he knew and yet he made me say it in my own words to see if I trusted him enough to, fool I was to think he wouldn’t have noticed it, mad even to think to keep it to myself rather than talk to him, ever able to placate the storm of doubts swirling in me.

“You did ?”

“Of course I did. No one offends my fiancée and gets away with it. No one.”

I am baffled by his behaviour, nor that it displease me, nor surprise after all he can be quite protective of the things he loves, me above all, but I can’t help but be worried about him, I certainly don’t want him to become an outcast among nobles even though it never mattered to him I don’t want him to suffer even more by the hands of anyone.

“But Elbie, she is a noble. Aren't you afraid it’s gonna have repercussions on your reputation ?”

“She is only a baroness. Even if it has, I couldn't care less. She had no right to treat you this way. No one has.”

There is anger burning in his gaze, a threat in his smile as his words sound like a snarl quieted down only by the surprise my confession provokes in him.

“She is right.”

“No.” 

His tone leaves little space for a reply, I perceive his determination and I know that when he is like that nothing will sway his mind nor heart, but my demons aren’t so easy to placate.

“She is right, Elbert. I have nothing to give you, I am not worth fighting for. You can afford so much better.” 

Words that tormented me ever since I got with him finally slip out, enveloped in vitriol and bitterness so much I have an hard time recognizing them as mine, bleeding out from scars never healed of insecurities and anxieties freely lashed out on my sensitive and gullible heart, creating a reality from an illusion supported by the ever present mocking stares of the mirror on the wall, laughing back at me each dress I wore, each question I asked, whose cruel answers echoed in my mind wrapping it in his lies.

“How can I afford better when the best is already in front of me ?”

He cups my face in his hand brushing his thumb gently on my cheek catching the last tears flowing from my eyelashes as they were the most precious dews’ gems he had ever collected.

“July. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.”

His words are all what I always dreamed of hearing, piercing into my core with their tenderness, their light shining through the cracks on my walls as they begin to crumble down before his love, lowering my guard for him and him alone, wholeheartedly placing my trust in him.

“Don’t lie to me. Please don’t.” 

My mind and heart are at fight with one another I struggle to keep them quiet as I gaze at him, looking into his eyes to try to see any sign of his honesty or lack of thereof, but what I saw there it’s only the deep earnestness of a pure, kind heart that loves me above anything. 

“I could never, ever lie to you.”

A light smile curls my lips at the gentle plea in his eyes as he looks up at me before sliding to nuzzle softly in my neck, tightening his arms around my waist, moved by his words I slide my arms around his head, bringing him even closer in my bosom, revelling in the ticklish sensation of his locks prickling the sensitive skin of my cleavage.

“Please trust me.” 

The same breasts that so often dried his tears and offered him comfort when he needed the most were now the object of my loathsome stare and shame. I really am a fool if I can look at them that so many times managed to make him happy with such hatred.

He must have perceived the doubts still swirling in me because one moment later he kneel on the carpet from where he presses his face into my soft tummy, that he so often used as a pillow with his arms wrapped around me and my fingers brushing in his locks lulling him to sweet dreams. 

He raises his head to look at me through misty eyes, his lips trembling slightly as his arms tightened around my legs.

“I love you.”

A strained smile on my lips, tears in my eyes spill on my cheeks as my fingers find their way to brush in his soft locks.

“I love you too.”

I cup his face in my hand, smiling at the endearing way he leans his cheek on my palm craving affection, yearning for love as he always did and now finally obtained with me and I would be so cruel to give up on him all due to my doubts when he had never gave up on loving me no matter how weird I am. 

After a while he raises once more to his feet only to take my hand in his, squeezing it gently as he cradles my face in his soft hand, the tenderness in his gaze moving me to the core as his thumb gently brushes over my cheek.

“Am I beautiful ... to you ?”

My voice betrays my heartbreak, all my insecurities collected in that single question, I feel my eyes get misty once more but I refuse to bend over to them, looking straight into his gaze, bright with resolution warmed by love.

“Yes. The fairest of them all.” 

His honesty brush away my anxiety,  glimmering in his light blue eyes, captivating me to gaze at him as the last stone of my walls crumble down and the sun of his affection manage to shine through turning the once thorn-maze in a dazzling garden, pouring love in each and every scar where once there was doubt.

At least I feel my lips curl in a smile, as a single tear rolls down my cheek followed by many more, a flood of emotions I found hard to contain until he captures my lips in a delicious, sweet kiss. 

The saltiness of tears mix together with the stickiness of my lipstick, as the strong aroma of champagne melts with the smooth texture of water, still fresh on my tongue.

Reluctantly he pulls away, keeping me close wrapping one arm around my waist, his fingers curling possessively on my hips, his hard chest moulds in my soft bosom as he cradles my face in his hand.

“I love you July to madness. I desire to keep you all to myself to cherish and make you happy. I can’t bear the idea of anyone even remotely hurting you.” 

“I love you too, Elbert, so very much. I am crazy over you and nothing will make me smile more than seeing you happy.” 

“I am happy only when I am with you. I love you as nothing I ever owned. I am a mess but you still loved me, it’s I who don’t deserve your love.”

“Please don’t say that.” 

I lean my trembling fingers to brush over his lips, melting at the sight of it curling to leave a kiss on them. 

“Do you still love me ?”

“It could not be otherwise. Never.”

Reluctantly he pulls away, sitting me on the bed like his personal porcelain doll he lean me back against the pillows as he kneel once more on the floor his ever graceful fingers stretched to take the doll from the carpet, brushing off the dust from her clothes as he hand it over to me. I take it to my chest, hugging her with a smile, happy to see she hasn’t broken despite my clumsiness, before placing her next to the doll of a prince, a gift I made him to keep her company.

The fairytale scene on my nightstand was complete once more, the couple of dolls that looked like us, sat side by side, smiled happily as they held hands, their love destined to be exactly like ours.

I focus my gaze on him, smiling back at me from his place on the bed, a light playful smirk adorn his lips as his gaze set on something on the floor his elegant digits reach to take, in the pale moonlight I see the object glimmering, he offers me no explanation though as he opens it, making its bold scarlet color shine outside its golden shell only then I recognize it as being my lipstick.

His voice is laced with a hint of obsession murking his gaze as he looks down at me, a facet of him I didn't pull away from, ready to embrace and love him as he is exactly like he always did for me.

“It seems my proof of love needs improvement since my kisses aren't enough.”

His movements are swift and precise as I never could have guessed, almost as he was used to it, scarred from a troublesome past he had spent being anyone's beauty doll, one he has broken free from I am happy to think, partially, because of me.

That thought alone warmed my heart as nothing ever could.

He put a spell on me, bewitching me to stare at him, shining bright like a charming prince.

My prince charming.

The same that galloped a horse all through the night to get to the palace before the carriage ever could, a secret his peculiar scent told me of before he even had a chance to. The idea that he spared no effort for me proof enough of his love to quiet the doubts in my mind.

I am mesmerized by the sight of him, his white and blue clothes sticking to his skin, his delicate red lips curled in a smile, his soft blonde locks shining under the warm light of the lamp and his calm yet passionate sea blue eyes, he is the very portrait of a cherubian. 

Mine and mine alone.

His greediness must have rubbed off on me but I don’t mind, I see it as a proof of the unconditional love and deep devotion we feel for one another.

He leans me against the pillows, raising my nightgown enough to lower the upper hem of my drawers. There is softness in his fingers where once there was only skin and bones, due to his habit to regularly eat alongside me, spurred by the meals I cook him as he told me himself, the memory of his honest confession makes me smile, warming me to the core.

My gaze glue to him as I feel his warm lips pepper wet kisses all over my belly, nibbling and sucking on my skin, kneading and moulding the soft flesh in its wake, brushing his fingers on my hips, tracing with his tongue each stretch mark, with his lips each mole, smiling up at me as he prop his chin on it looking up at me as I am was the most precious treasure in all the world … and I knew that to him I am.

He robs me of my coherent thoughts as his fingers make their way toward my plan abdomen, tickling it, making me dizzy from pleasure and happiness at the sweetness in his voice as he bestows professions of love on my body enough to reach my heart, flooding it with warmth. 

“My Princess.” 

A kiss of utmost devotion above my belly button, followed by a delicious sweet one at the center of my abdomen.

“My Queen.”

“My cherished treasure.” 

A soft brush of his lips placed gently on the upper part of my right breast followed by a tender one on my left.

“My precious doll.”

Hesitancy in his features as he looks up at me, his finger hover above my bosom, not daring to touch despite his eagerness to, gently I cup his hand in mine placing it flat on my chest, giving him permission to do anything he likes to me.

A light groan escape from his lips as he unbuttons my nightgown leaving me in nothing but my drawers and my regency corset, I sigh dreamily as the fresh air of the evening brush over the naked parts of my body, but the smoldering gaze he looks at me with is enough to make my heart race wildly in my chest keeping me warmer than the even the sun ever could.

I see him fiddle with the lace, I could stop him but I don’t want to and so I let him, a moan escapes my lips as he tugs at the ribbon holding it close with his teeth, enough to open it just a little bit, an erotic view I don’t have in me to look away.

I bathe a little longer in the lust lidded gaze he looks at me with as he lick his upper lip, smirking as he bends over me to take one of my breasts in his capable hand, caressing and molding it as he pleases, placing a kiss on its upper part, brushing his thumb on my nipple above the fabric, perking under his touch robbing a moan of pleasure from my lips at the relentless combination of kisses and massages as he gently switch his focus to the other one, leaving a trail of red kisses over my fair skin.

At last he looks up at me with so much devotion to have me in tears as he presses a reverent kiss between my breasts, filling my heart with his love.

“My love.”

“My one and only love.” 

In an instant he raise to tower over me only to melt his lips on mine in a delicious kiss I welcome arching under him, feeling the soft sigh of pleasure escaping his lips as I push my hips against his, swallowing my moans as he wrap his tongue with mine, letting him lead that sinful dance of passion as our bodies move in sync alike our heartbeats bounded by unwavering and unconditional love. 

Reluctantly he pulls away looking into my eyes, the same gaze I love so much now dark with lust and possession the same I welcome with open arms as he wraps me in his embrace, holding me close so much I can feel his warmth, nuzzling his head on my bosom, purring in delight as he looks up at me, his eyes overflowing with love enough to make my heart swell with affection at the endearing sight. 

“I love you July only you. You are my precious treasure, my one and only cherished doll.” 

“I love you Elbert so very much.”

There is a raw plea in his voice as he lean his face on my breasts gazing up at me. 

“Please don’t leave me. I really do love you. You are the only one for me.”

“I won't now nor ever.”

A carefree smile curls his lips as he sits on the bed, only to leave an achingly tender kiss on my forehead before tightening his arm around me as we lean back against the pillows.

“I love you as you are, don’t change.”

“I won’t. For you I won’t.” 

I murmur caressing his cheeks with my fingers, brushing some golden lock away from his face enough to gaze straight into the clear warm blue sea of his eyes.

“Please don’t give up on me.”

The shameless words of a weakling I managed to hold in until now come tumbling off my lips, so much I hope he hasn’t heard them … but he is certainly no fool like I was for thinking so. 

“I would never July, ever, for nothing in the whole world I love more than you. I assure you.” 

His warm fingers caress tenderly the apple of my cheek as he brushes his nose against mine, smiling at the sound of my carefree giggles. 

There is a strange vulnerability in his gaze, shadowed by his long eyelashes, latching onto his words as he speaks, reminding me once more of how sensitive and yet strong he is at once.

“Will you do the same for me ?” 

At least he raises his pleading eyes to meet mine, while his fingers on my waist tighten their grip almost as if he is scared I would give up on him, as if I ever could, an anxiety that pestered me too from time to time but that he always managed to brush away like I have done with his.

“Of course Elbie. I could never, ever no matter what.”

The sun returns to his gorgeous blue eyes as he gifts me a tender smile, so bright and happy to captivate me enough to reach and melt my lips on his, welcoming the gentle way he deepened the kiss, holding me close as he ravages my mouth with his tongue before entwining it with mine.

A kiss he breaks off reluctantly, leaning his forehead to mine as we avidly breathe the air in the little space between our lips, until he pulls back enough to wrap his arms around me leaving an achingly gentle kiss on my hair.

Some of my doubts could come back sometimes but I know that every time he will be there to chase away their clouds with the warm, smouldering light of his love.

I sigh softly in his embrace giggling as I feel his hands curl on my waist gripping me tightly, I nuzzle in his chest brushing my lips on his heart, revelling in the light chuckle escaping from his lips, eager to see more I look up at him purring softly at the gentle caress of his fingers on my cheeks admiring the tender expression in his light blue eyes crinkling with affection as I playfully smack a kiss on his cheeks gazing at him with a smile, mirrored by his own graceful lips as he hold me against him, enveloped in the warmth of the blankets we are cocooned in, less smouldering perhaps than the emotion burning in our hearts bounded inextricably together with love.

[fang-and-feather]

Let me Supoort you

For @venulus Learning How to Love Myself Creation Challenge

I didn't know if I wanted to write this, but I finally decided i felt comfortable enough to do something, small and basic and on a pretty impersonal fashion but still...

Ikemen Vampire - Jean x Unnamed Female Character (I don't usually self-insert and didn't feel comfortable enough to do so)

“Leave me alone!”

She didn’t know if the pleading cry was just in her head, as it had been every time someone tried to interact with her this morning, or if the words actually left her.

But she stumbled out of the dining room as fast as she could, barely listening to the concerned voices that called her, only making it past the corner of the hallway, before the lightheadedness got too strong and she sat down, clutching her head and trying to just swallow down the tears.

She immediately regretted the outburst. It hadn’t been anybody’s fault. Even Arthur and Dazai had been less of a headache. But the pressure in her head had gotten to a point she had no attention left to give anyone trying to talk to her, and she just wanted all the noise to stop.

She hated when this happened. Hated that trying to remember and do all the tasks did that to her. She missed being able to do basic tasks without feeling lost or overwhelmed.

The sound of footsteps echoed far in her mind and she tried to make herself as small as possible, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t find her.

But she had no such luck. The sound approached, and she felt someone crouch by her side, but he didn’t speak or made a move to touch her, for which she was grateful.

And also for the soothing scent that helped clear her mind.

Aware it was her boyfriend, she leaned against his side, and only then he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

But still he didn’t talk to her. Instead, humming the song she usually used to calm herself down. A song she wasn’t aware he learned or even knew why she hummed it to herself.

They stayed like this for a while longer until the pressure started to clear and she returned to feeling lightheaded.

Still silent, Jean offered her a wrapped piece of chocolate he’d been holding.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a whisper, unwrapping the sweet and biting half of it, offering him the other half.

But Jean shook his head and closed his hand around hers, closing hers over the piece of chocolate.

“You have nothing to apologize for, mon amour. It is fine to get a break when things are overwhelming. Just, next time, you shouldn’t need to let it get to this point before you do.” His other hand gently caressed her face, and she nuzzled into his hand.

“But…I need to do this! I promised Sebastian I would keep everything in order until he recovers. And…” her voice trembled with the effort not to cry. “I should be able to do this! I… I hate not being able to! I can’t do even half the things I used to… I hate needing help for the most basic things… I feel like I’m growing too old ahead of time, and I don’t even know why…”

“I know, chérie. It is scary to face an unknown enemy, especially when it comes from within. It is upsetting to lose something you took for granted. But don’t let despair overtake you. If it is something you will have to live with, you will have to adapt to it, as difficult as it will be.”

She knew it. A part of her wanted to be angry at him for saying the obvious, but it wasn’t fair. He was worried, and there was nothing else he could do for her, anyway. Nothing that could be done.

So she nodded and started to pull away. She shouldn’t have said that much. She’d been doing her best to keep a semblance of normalcy. To look like she was fine, exactly not to worry him. Or anyone else.

“But there is no shame in asking for help, and I will be here for you.” She had already stood up, but she stopped and looked down at him, surprised that Jean was smiling at her, as he gently took her hand and propped himself up on one knee. “You have been helping me since you arrived. It’s my turn to take care of you. I may not be any good with the housework, but I will help with what I can. I will be your mind when your fails. I will make sure you have peace when you need it. I will be there to protect and support you when you are scared. And I will always love you, in the best and worst moments, especially when you find it difficult to love yourself.” Jean kissed her hand, as if sealing a promise.

She stepped closer, not finding any words, but she kissed his hand back, and gently rested her forehead against his arm. His other hand cradled the back of her head.

“But I still have to work. So, when I’m not here, I hope you’ll not be scared to ask the others for help. You are a light to everyone here, and I am sure they will not hesitate to help.”

“But…”

“No but. You are as much of a resident of this house as anyone else. You are being kind by insisting on doing this job, but you don’t have to put it above your health. I’m sure they are all grateful to you for doing it, and will help if needed. Promise me you will try?”

“Fine. I will try.”

“You know I especially trust Mozart and Napoleon. Go to them if possible, first. As long as you don’t have to wake Napoleon up.”

Jean chuckled, and she finally laughed, nuzzled lightly against him, before pulling away, mouthing a silent “I love you” and pulling him down for a light kiss on the lips.

[faustianfascination]

Pain Points

Decided to write a little something for @venulus Learning How to Love Myself Creation Challenge. It's a little out of my comfort zone as I tend to prefer writing about characters not myself but felt like giving it a try. One of the things that comes with chronic illness is sometimes the lack of logic that comes to body modification when you spend most of your time in pain, and this is a conversation I've had to have multiple times and I wanted to explore it here. This is a rough work but I hope you enjoy!

1577 words SFW Ikemen Vampire Pairing: Faust x Reader (self insert) Comfort, fluff, post argument, chronic illness, fibromyalgia, tattoos, self love, self acceptance

Never go to bed on an argument, that’s what my parents always said. Yet, I’d decided to sleep in another room in the castle and slipped away early in the morning before Faust was awake just to avoid talking to him, and he really didn’t deserve it but my pride was too strong to admit that right now. The needle danced across my hip, moving with practiced ease as the stencil became etched into my skin, floral motifs and gothic architecture becoming one with my flesh as I made my body anew. It hurt, stabbing, throbbing, making my twitch, shiver and hold my breath instinctively-despite my tattoo artist reminding me she needs me to breathe as she worked up my side. Honestly, I wasn’t far off having a little cry.

There hits a point with pain where it feels almost good, not quite the sexual pleasure that comes from rough play but something else, something a little different. Coenobites and their quest for sensation irregardless of pleasure or pain came to mind, because pain was inevitable in life, especially in mine which made seeking out a tattooists needle seem contradictory. But, there was a difference, this pain was a pain of my own choosing, pain I had agency over. It hurt, the grazed flesh of my body would hurt and heal for days, but unlike the pain from my fibromyalgia this made me feel better about myself. It wasn’t the pain of my own body rebelling, curtailing my plans and placing limitations on my day, stopping me from thinking, from feeling like me. This wasn’t the pain that made me want to die, it was the pain that made me want to live. Which is a difficult thing to explain. Something I didn’t even try to explain last night when Faust questioned why, after a particularly debilitating flare up I was opting to go through with a day long tattoo session. It wasn’t a comment laced with mockery or malice, just a question of why after being in pain for days, when I’m finally getting over it I’m opting for more. For something, he considered ‘frivolous’. Truthfully, that word was the trigger that my already volatile head space needed to go straight into attack mode; and attack I did. Like a chunk of potassium hitting water it ignited a nasty fight that ended with me cursing him out, slamming the door and locking myself into a spare room. Perhaps the tears threatening to leak from my eyes were more to do with hurting him than the hurt I was feeling on my skin.

A cursory knock on the door before I let myself in as quietly as possible, his back to me as he worked at his desk, books scattered everywhere, surprisingly more disorganised than yesterday confirming my fear that he probably didn’t sleep. It was my fault and the paltry dinner balanced on the tray in my hands was no where near enough to apologise. I set the tray down on a table and moved closer to him, he may not have acknowledged my entrance but I knew he knew I was here so quietly as a cat I moved closer to him until I could wrap my arms around him from behind, his scent and warmth filling my senses, always making my heart flutter even when I felt guilty as sin. I could feel his body stiffen under my touch which hurt, his breath hitched as he waited for me to make the first move.

“Johan, can we talk?” my quiet voice said into his back. The tenseness indicating that he was still upset, which he had every right to be. He’d been a wonderful partner during the worst of my flare up, no matter how much I cried in pain, frustration he held me close. Comforted me in his own way, was there to rub sore stiff muscles and help manage my pain only to me met with the sharpest side of my tongue. He didn’t respond, only he steady breathe filling the gap where I wanted his voice to be “Johan, please. I’m sorry” I pleaded while gripping him tighter, finally feeling him starting to relax under my touch, a deep sigh preceding his answer “Yes” he said, his voice softer than usual as he turned in my arms and pulled me into his chest. I relished being in his arms, now more than ever as I gently cupped his cheek and raised my eyes to his “Johan, I’m sorry. It was wrong to talk to you like that, to yell at you like that, it was cruel and there aren’t words to convey how sorry I am. I love you so much, but it wasn’t right to lash out at you” my voice was trembling as I tried to get across how sorry I was, how much I regretted hurting him. It was his forehead pressing to mine, the quiet intimacy of being like this that made the tears I’d been holding back finally fall as he held me close to his chest; his hands rubbing gentle circles over my back. ”Perhaps my bluntness was unwarranted, however I did not appreciate being on the end of your ire….but I forgive you. I just wanted to understand why you chose to go get tattooed when you’ve been so ill. It’s not a logical decision no matter how much I try to figure it out. Why seek out more pain?” his voice was soft, still seeking out an answer but trying not to fall into last nights trap. It’s an answer I’d been formulating all day, but now with his scent in my nose and my guard was down all my well practiced words fell out of my head.

He didn’t push, sat down on the armchair and pulled me into his lap, giving me the space to formulate my answer, careful not to put pressure on my newly inked hip and flank.

“Pain is a constant for me, it’s a daily frustration, it’s debilitating. So, you are correct it’s not a logical course of action. However, getting tattooed is pain. But it’s a pain that I get to choose, that I get something from” his eyes never left mine as I explained “It hurts, but unlike fibro pain it gives me something that makes me feel like I have some semblance of control over my body. Being able to make it something I find more pleasing, more…myself. It makes me feel, even on my worse days a more confident and beautiful version of myself. It’s a comfort when the pain I have no control over flares, it reminds me of who I am when I feel like nothing” the words were clumsy, but they finally came and it felt cathartic saying it out loud, but there was still a fear that he wouldn’t understand.

“Your body is beautiful to me no matter the decoration, I have no problem with your unadorned flesh” he said cupping my cheek and holding me in his hazel gaze.

“I understand that, but it’s not about how you see me. It’s about how I see myself, how I want to be seen, how I want to feel about myself. I don’t mean to make that sound like you don’t matter, but it’s still the skin I have to inhabit” I kept my tone even trying not to sound harsh.

He sat quietly for the moment processing what I said, thankfully he didn’t look hurt or offended finally saying “It’s not a position I’d considered, but there is a logic there and I understand what you’re trying to say. I’m not offended” he concluded by kissing me on the tip of my nose and wrapping his arms around me tighter. His response made a knot in my stomach loosen, and my body finally fully relaxed into his arms. Johan took that as the cue to finally kiss me deeply, more comforting that intending to seduce and it felt like the storm had finally passed.

“May I see?” his voice came after a little while being cuddled up in the wingback and shaking the stiffness from my body I obliged his curiosity by getting up and standing in front of him to show the tapestry of motifs stretching down my side. His eye scanned the newly decorated skin, despite it’s grazed and weeping condition, the designs were strong black like medieval woodcuts. His breath caught at one particular point, the point in the design where he found a little tribute to him

“That’s the re-” ”Yes, for you” I cut in “you’re influence is literally etched into my flesh now” I said recalling the reference to the rebis that I’d worked into the design, the divine hermaphrodite and the great work of alchemy. It was a quick, but I swore he looked a little misty eyed before his usual arrogance crept into his expression. Suddenly he stood and I was lifted into his arms princess style and he was striding towards the door ”Fresh wounds need washing and care do they not?” he said with a seductive smirk appearing on his face “I would be remiss not to take you to the baths now wouldn’t I?” ”No baths, only showers while it heals” I cut in remembering the the aftercare instructions ”Then a shower it shall be” he chuckled as we began our journey through the dark castle.

[drachonia]

𝐜 𝐮 𝐫 𝐬 𝐞 𝐬 .

𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: This fic is a bit experimental, but the idea sort of came to me all at once and I felt compelled to get it down. got inspired by @venulus' content creation challenge that's going for a few more weeks. Hope you enjoy a little slice of my brainrot. also crane wives slaps. have more content of my lil' knight girl, noele and how sappy she secretly is. <3.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: established relationship, comfort, mild body dysmorphia, and my weird perspective/tense-shift.

Every time I used to open my eyes to you in the morning, seeing that content expression while you’re dreaming, I couldn’t help but wonder…What do you see in me?

I’m not extraordinarily beautiful, I have more bulk in my arms and shoulders than half the princes I know of, and yet, every morning without fail—

“Mnn…good morning.”

That voice slurred with sleep, those wine red eyes that sparkle in delight as they focused in on me. You wholeheartedly kissed every old cut, every old scar, every beauty mark…loved all of me.

And I love you every bit as much. Why else would I continue sparring? Keep up with the happenings across borders? Keep your attention and that sweet smile that you show on me and me alone? I don’t like saying the circumstances of our meeting were due to fate. I fully believe something in me clawed through life to get to your side.

I found myself a love that adores every disheveled, angry, and selfish part of me, and makes me feel like those parts are extraordinarily beautiful.

“Noele?”

A voice snapped the knight out of her daze as she shot up in bed next to Nokto, “Hm?”

“Did the palace hound zone out on me?” He teased, grinning and tucking a fluffy tuft of fringe behind her ear.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She growled, leaning in and stealing a rather insistent kiss. Nokto only pulling away to get his answer.

“Hmm…I think someone is avoiding the question.” He huffed against her neck, running his nose over the curve of her jaw as he spoke, “Now do continue I ask nicely? Or do I interrogate my sweet lover?” He murmured against her ear, wrapping an arm around her back as her pulse thudded against his lips when he kissed her throat.

“‘Was just thinking how lucky I am to have found you.”

Her face was rather stoic as the surprised fox pulled back with wide eyes to look at her, quietly asking for more information with a few blinks.

“You…teach me to love every bit of me that I used to hate…I’m very lucky to have dug my claws into you and not let you go.” Eventually a faint smile appeared on her lips, lifting up her cheeks and making her ice-colored eyes crinkle in content.

Blood rushed to the seventh prince’s cheeks and he embraced her tightly, arms wrapped around her…as two silver chains holding matching engagement bands clinked softly against one another.

lace headers by saradika.

[moonstruck-writing]

Gym Confessions [Shinobu Aizawa | Break My Case]

Title: Gym Confessions Pairing: Shinobu Aizawa x OC (self-insert) | Break My Case Rating: T C/Ws: body dysmorphia, insecurities, hurt/comfort, friends to ?, romantic confessions, first person pov, Shinobu and OC are gym buddies, self insert Summary: One day at the gym, I blurt out my insecurities to Shinobu. He tries to comfort me and ends up confessing something, too. Word count: 2.4k A/N: My first entry for the Learning to Love Myself Challenge created by @venulus 💕 this was a journey to write~ but you’ve convinced me of the appeal of self-inserts 🤭 thank you for hosting this Venus!! also wooo new fandom yay!!

Looking in the mirror was one of the things I hated the most about running in the gym. The way I felt, and the way I looked were two very different things, but somehow they always ended up influencing each other.

“You’re here!” I heard a voice coming from behind, and when I looked in the mirror, Shinobu was hopping onto the treadmill next to mine. “You’re earlier than usual.”

There was a reason for it. I didn’t dislike running, and it wasn’t that bad to have it as a warmup. But I absolutely hated running next to people. If I looked at them, I ended up comparing them, their form and speed, to mine. And I also saw how their eyes were always fixed on themselves. So, I ended up feeling like I had to do more, be better, and keep my eyes trained on my face. That was not an easy task.

“Hi, Shinobu.” I smiled at his reflection in the mirror, and he flashed a cheerful smile before starting the treadmill. When I looked back at my reflection, I saw the way my cheeks wiggled with each jump. I quickly looked away, fixing my gaze on one of the empty spaces in the gym that was reflected in the mirror.

I knew I only had a few minutes left, but they felt eternal.

“You’re full of energy today!” Shinobu had a towel around his neck when he joined me in the leg press machine. “I haven’t even seen you take a break at all.”

“I do when I change machines. I have to clean them and all.” I used my fingers to count how many reps I had left for the set.

He sat down next to the wall and took a sip from the water bottle he was holding.

“Are you in a time crunch or something?” He chuckled as I finished the set. When I moved to a different machine after quickly wiping that one, he followed me. “You know, your form has gotten so much better.”

“Has it?” I didn’t see much of a change.

“Yeah. I can tell you’re stronger.” He looked at my body, and his face lit up in a way I couldn’t understand.

“I haven’t seen any changes.” I looked away and hopped onto the lat pulldown machine, hoping to bring the conversation to an end. It’s not that I didn’t like having Shinobu distracting me. He was always the best distraction. But I didn’t like where the conversation was headed.

“Seen? Don’t you feel stronger?” He took off the towel from his shoulders and left it on top of his water bottle, next to the cable and pulleys. He started changing the rope attachments.

“I feel stronger.” Saying that while working out was not something I liked, because it always made me feel like I’d fuck up in the next five seconds. I pursed my lips, trying to focus on the exercise and my breathing. “I get less tired.” That’s something I preferred. “But I look exactly the same.” I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. They were supposed to stay buried deep inside my mind.

“You don’t look exactly the same.” He briefly stopped his exercise to look over at me, as if he needed to make sure. That was more of an answer to me, than the words he had used.

“But I don’t look fit, either.” I felt anger bubble up inside me and stopped to adjust the weight in the machine.

Shinobu finished his set and patted his forehead with the towel. “What does it mean to look fit?” He hummed, thinking.

I felt my face and neck tensing up in a way exercise couldn’t do. That whole conversation was a mistake. I didn’t want to talk about it. I decided to focus on the exercise and pretend nothing had happened. But the words hung heavy on the air between us, even if it was so cold they could’ve flown away, carried by the AC.

“I don’t know.” I finally said when I was done. “Like those fitness influencers? Where people look at you and they know you exercise.” I got up and busied myself with cleaning. I didn’t want to see his face.

Shinobu played some more with the rope attachments before deciding he was done.

“If you didn’t know me, would you say I exercise?” He approached me after picking up his things from the floor.

When I looked at him, he had his head cocked to one side, and the shadow of a smile haunted his lips.

“Mm, probably not.” I knew now how wrong that first impression had been. He had a lean body and a thin build that could fool anyone. But behind that, he hid insane strength and stamina.

“And knowing what you know, would you say I’m fit?”

The hair escaped through my nose in a bitter laugh. I would never challenge him to anything physical. He was in perfect shape, and he knew it. He had to be, for his job at Aporia.

“What’s your point?” I didn’t want him to beat around the bush.

“Being fit is not a specific body type. Everybody is different and will look different with the same fitness level.” He tutted and exhaled, rubbing his chin. “I look nothing like Gucchi, and even with the same job, he looks nothing like me. He’s a muscle monster, and while that’s cool, I don’t need to be one. Not that I could, even if I tried.” He added with a laugh. “And the level of fitness, or strength, not everybody has to reach the same standards. Exercising is also about functionality. You don’t need the same abilities that I do in your daily life.” He passed the water bottle from one hand to another and drummed his fingers on it.

“But…” I trailed off, not knowing how to let this discomfort get into words. I already knew everything Shinobu said. I did. But somehow, it didn’t matter. “I want to look good.”

Shinobu chuckled, a half-laugh half-cough. Then, when he saw the seriousness in my face, which probably even had a tinge of sadness, his face paled.

“You don’t think you look good?” His voice was almost a whisper, but I managed to hear him through the background music.

“I mean, I still have all that fat and cellulite. And yet, somehow, my legs aren’t big enough.” I spat the words, feeling the hatred for my body taking hold of me like it was something that lived deep down inside and sometimes took control of me. “And my stomach… it’s… it’ll never look good.”

I wasn’t really saying those words to him. I was saying them to myself, he just happened to be there, to have been the one to propel them out of me. And now I felt empty and weak.

Shinobu took a hesitant step towards me, and I felt disgusted. I shouldn’t have put him in this position. I didn’t want his pity, either. I heard him take a sharp inhale, and the need to run tickled my limbs.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s stupid.” I tried to smile but my face only contracted into a grimace. “I’ll go get changed n—”

“No.” He interrupted while his hand wrapped around my elbow, effectively stopping me. “No, it does matter, and it’s not stupid.” His usually cheerful countenance was now darkened by the deep crease between his brows. “But it is not the truth.”

I swallowed, reluctance crawling into my skin. How dared he? From anything I could’ve hoped to hear him say, I didn’t want to be called a liar. I knew myself and my body better than anybody else. I had to look every day in the mirror. No one else did for me. I had to see how my clothes fit, how they hung loose in places while tight in others. It was ridiculous. He knew nothing.

“Let go.” The low and breathy whisper somehow came out dense enough to make him let go instantly. Before he could change his mind, I quickly left the room.

Taking off my sports clothes was somehow harder than any other day. Maybe it was the sweat, but it felt like my body was laughing at me.

When I was finally ready to leave the building, I found Shinobu waiting for me by the entrance.

“Hey,” he pushed off the wall and approached me. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

I clenched my teeth, wanting to say sorry too, but not finding the energy to do so.

“The last thing I want to do is be insensitive. You opened up, and I’m grateful for that.” He offered me a small smile, like a peace offering. “We’re still friends?”

I huffed jokingly, rolling my eyes. Even if I was hurting, I was not in so much pain that I’d push his kindness away.

“Of course. If you still want to be friends with someone like me.” I wanted it to come off as a light-hearted jab, but his face didn’t say the same.

“That, right there, I…” He mouthed, no sounds leaving his throat. “You’re awesome. Of course I want to be friends with you!” The frustration gushed out of his tone. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, his lips pressed into a tight line. When he opened his eyes again, I saw a glint of determination I had never seen before. “I was going to drop it, but honestly? I can’t.”

He suddenly started walking away, and I followed him in confusion. When we reached an empty bench in a less crowded part of the street, he sat down.

“I’m not mad at you, I want to make it clear.” But the softness in his voice would never have led me to even consider he was angry. “I just… I don’t understand.”

His pleading eyes followed me as I sat down next to him.

“You’re incredibly beautiful. And I’m not just saying that, I’ve felt it since we first met.” He played with the straps of his sports bag. “You’re so attractive. The way you dress, how you walk, your hair, your body…” He trailed off, his gaze lost in the space in front of us. “I’m only one guy, but I’m sure there are tons of people out there who see you and think the same. And of course, some people will have a different taste, and there’s social media and its standards, but honestly?” He turned to look me in the eyes. “I don’t know what happened, for you to not know, not be able to see just how incredible you are, and how good you look. Right now. Always.”

Something caught in my throat. Maybe the knife I almost swallowed, the knife that had been wounding me all this time. I could understand what Shinobu was saying, but it still didn’t undo everything else. That knife still existed, trying to tear through the deepest parts of me.

His lips parted in a shaky exhale, and he rubbed his head.

“Dang, does a guy need to out his secrets?” He crouched forward, hands on his knees. Then, he jerked back up again. “I’m not just saying this because I care about you, which I do. These are not empty words I could tell anyone. They are the truth. They are so real…” His eyes alternated between looking at my eyes and taking in my whole expression. “Okay, I’m attracted to you.” He exhaled, the shakiness contrasting with the confidence of his words. “I’m so attracted to you, you wouldn’t even believe it.” He chuckled. “I mean, clearly you don’t, or you didn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” He rubbed a hand through his face as if to refocus. “I am so attracted to you, you’re fucking perfect to me. And it hurts to hear you don’t see yourself like that. Because you are. That’s the only reality that exists. You’re gorgeous and hot, and every time I see you, I feel like a million butterflies will take me soaring into the sky.”

“And that thing about your legs, gosh…” He smiled quietly, almost bitterly. “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about your legs. That time you wore shorts? I almost died. And it would’ve been a happy death.” His eyebrows raised as if he couldn’t believe he was really telling me all that. “And your tummy? Every time I catch the smallest glimpse of your skin when your T-shirt flutters, I swear…” He closed his mouth, swallowing visibly. “It is so dangerously…” He trailed off, looking down and suddenly shifting in his seat. When he looked at me again, something different flickered in his eyes.

“I don’t understand how you don’t like the way you look when it’s so good, I don’t just want to look at you. I want to touch you, too. And shower every bit of skin and flesh and muscle and bone with all the love and praise that they deserve, that you deserve.”

The silence between us was expectant, like the time between thunder and lightning. And I knew now, what it was that I had seen in his eyes. It was new and different, and I didn’t even know how I could recognise it, when nobody else had looked at me like that before.

It was adoration. So clear and simple, like it had always been there, like all along it belonged to me.

Something broke and resettled all at once in my chest. Like a piece of machinery in which the gears finally lined up correctly to make it function properly. Like it should’ve always been.

“I’ll change gyms if you don’t ever want to see me again after this.” His voice was so faint, it made me doubt if I hadn’t dreamed it all. “But I’m hoping we can still be friends?” His eyes searched mine with worry. “I didn’t want—”

“Thank you,” I interrupted, feeling the knife that had been nestled in my throat finally make its way out, by way of my tears. When they fell, I knew I wouldn’t be able to say anything else without sobbing uncontrollably. Instead, I took one of the hands that had been fiddling with his sports bag and held it between mine.

He squeezed back and used his other hand to guide my head to his shoulder.

There, hidden from the few passersby and cradled against his warmth, I felt like for the first time in a long, long time, I could finally breathe.

.

.

.

A/N: This is my first time posting a self-ship, and I hope you could enjoy reading it, too! I’m still in the middle of the Sly Red chapter of the main story, but I couldn’t wait to write something for Shinobu <3

Interactions, comments and tags mean a lot and they help me keep writing <3 Anon feedback is also welcome

Masterlist | AO3

Please do NOT repost. Reblogging is okay! Characters belong to their rightful owners, the plot and content here belongs to @moonstruck-writing

[liss-in-rhodolite]

This is my entry to @venulus Learning to Love Myself event. This was so hard to do and it took me some time to decide to post it cause I was unsure. But I'm glad I did this bc it helped accept this part of myself that's been hard to..... TWs: infertility

[rjthirsty]

Put Together

Rating: G

Words: 534

This piece was written for @venulus' Learning How to Love Yourself content challenge. I don't really have much else to say about it, except I'm hoping to do more because examining my flaws and figuring out that they're still lovable is a really nice feeling.

It’s the middle of the night.

I wake up soaked in sweat. My heart is pounding. My hands are shaking. The scenes from my nightmare flash in my mind in the dark. It was a dream but it left me shaken.

Gilbert stirs next to me and before I even get a word out - before I even sit up to hug myself and try to shake the fear from my mind - he snuggles against me. His cool body feels nice. His hands pull me to him.

“It was just a dream, little rabbit.” He reminds me, soothingly. “You're safe here.”

I feel my body relax. He's right, I'm safe with him. I cling to him as I drift off again.

It's the middle of the day.

I catch my reflection in a shop window and note how far my stomach bulges out. How wide my hips are. How large my rear is. I sigh inwardly and my shoulders slump. On the other side of the window are a set of mannequins sporting outfits that would never fit me. They're forms sleek and mimicking an ideal size and figure, not the pear shaped body I have.

Gilbert wraps his arms around me, hugging my back flush to his chest. He engulfs me and peers into the store window leaning his chin on my shoulder. “Did something catch your eye, my little rabbit?”

“I couldn't pull off something that cute. I bet they don't even make it in my size even if my body could somehow look like that.”

He's quiet for a moment. “I think you'd be stunning in something like that. I'll make it for you. Custom sized and perfectly fitted.”

My heart aches, but it's from warmth. I can't help but smile.

It's late morning.

My body is lead and it hurts to move. The pain isn't horrible today, but I just don't want to deal with a flare-up. I don't move if I don't have to. Staring at the rows of books within my line of sight, I sigh outwardly.

“Do you want another blanket, little rabbit?” Gilbert pops into my vision like a concerned cat.

“It's not that bad. I can get some things done.” I’m trying to convince myself.

“There's no reason to push yourself. Rest and take care of my little rabbit.”

Another blanket is layered on top of me and the heat helps the stiffness and pain. I can rest today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It's early evening.

We're out with my family and I scour the menu in an attempt to find food I can eat with my medically restricted diet.

“A little slip up won't kill you.” My mother says. It won't. She is right. But it'll be pain and illness for days. Gilbert leans towards me and points out all the options available that he could find, searching for me before finding his own food.

I'm touched.

He cares about me so much.

In a world that has picked me apart, piece by piece, and told me every bit was not good enough, he collected them all and glued me back together with love, acceptance, and gentle understanding.

In his eyes, I am - and always have been - perfect.