#like its definitely that too but i also think the nature of their codependency and that scene in true face. makes me think

[noctiva]

Clouded By The Smoke

Toby Rogers x F!Reader [NSFW]

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WC: 5.4k

Summary: No matter what you do, you just always find yourself crawling back to him - just the way he likes it.

CW: 18+ content, explicit sexual content, toxic relationships, dealer!Toby, drugging, recreational drug use, drugs other than weed lol, intoxication, dubcon, wet and messy, biting and marking, unsafe sex, creampie, power dynamics, dom/sub undertones, masochistic tendencies, lowkey sadism, dacryphilia, free use if you squint, hair pulling, overstimulation, codependency, established relationship, but its horrible, ‘i can make him worse’ fr fr, Toby’s an asshole, vaginal fingering, multiple orgasms (female), lowkey hurt no comfort, like a sprinkle of angst, they’re horrible for each other

Reminder to separate reality from fiction! Acts written here aren’t meant to be encouraged or romanticized - be kind to yourself!

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NSFW under the cut! Minors do not interact!

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You can’t even count the amount of times you’ve found yourself in this exact same situation.

Sprawled out on Toby’s bed, hair fanned out in a halo around your head, limbs feeling light and loose as your hazy eyes stare up at the ceiling. Stripped out of your hoodie because you had started to sweat, one of Toby’s old t-shirts and a pair of sweats hanging loosely off of your body.

You can hear him beside you, sitting on the floor, back rested up against his bed as he packs another bowl for himself - glass clinking as he taps the side of it with his lighter. You had tried to keep up with him, you always do, and that’s a common mistake you always make. You’d think you would’ve learned by now. Toby lived for this shit. Breathed in more weed smoke than pure oxygen, fully functional on an amount that had you near brainless. You’re hazy, loose, body somehow feeling both light and heavy at the same time as you sink into his sheets - counting each crack in the ceiling to give your mind something to focus on.

You had met him months ago, and it had started out as innocently as it could with the nature of your relationship. Your old dealer stopped selling, and the dispensary shit was too expensive for you to justify. You needed something good, but also affordable. That’s where Toby came in. Introduced by a friend of a friend of a friend, you didn’t know anything about him when you first met up - but you also didn’t need to. This wasn’t a friendship, this was a transactional relationship. Meeting for mere moments at a time, counting the bills you gave him before slipping a little plastic baggie into your coat pocket. He didn’t say much, didn’t linger. Just gave you what you needed, then gave you a slight wave before disappearing off again.

And it went on like that for a while. Meeting up with him every week, handing him cash, getting a nice chunk of kush in exchange.

Until one day, he offered more.

“Got some new shit.” He muttered after stuffing your cash into his back pocket. “You can try it, i-if you want.”

“I don’t have any more money.” You had told him. “I only brought enough to cover my pickup.”

“No charge. I-It’s on me.” He had smiled at you, eyes crinkling at the corners as he tilted his head to the side. “Least I could do. Y-You’re a loyal customer.”

And that, was the catalyst. You had accepted his offer. Let him lead you away to some shitty, beaten down apartment not too far from your meetup spot. You let him smoke you out, let him pack you bowl after bowl, clouding the air of his room with smoke so thick it made your eyes burn. Watched him grow looser, lighter, as you did the exact same. Got so giggly and pliant, eyes drooping as your lips wrapped loosely around a joint you definitely didn’t need.

You let him get closer. Let him join you on the bed. Let him fuck you. You wondered if that was his entire plan, when he invited you over. But, the weed was good and the sex was even better, so there were no complaints on your end as your body arched into his - skin slick with sweat as his hips met yours.

After that, it became a common occurrence. You didn’t even pay anymore. Not in the traditional sense. You just showed up, looked cute as he fed you drugs, then spread your legs when he asked for it. Degrading? Definitely. Demoralizing? Probably. But he felt so good that you couldn’t bring yourself to think too deep into it.

So you kept coming back. Over and over and over again. That’s why you were here right now - not because he had asked you, but because you had knocked on his door. “Feelin’ it?” His voice is thickened by smoke when he speaks to you next, tilting his head back to look at you before he breathes out a thick cloud.

“Yeah.” You breathe back out, lazily directing your gaze back over to him. Breathing heavy, skin feeling tingly. “Shits strong.”

“You-You would think that.” Toby rolls his eyes, setting his bong on the ground next to him before swivelling his body around - peering up at you from the floor as he rests his arms on the mattress. “Fuckin’ lightweight. You’d th-think your tolerance woulda gone up by now.” His eyes are fixated on you, the sight of you nearly limp, just absolutely sinking into his sheets. He smirks to himself, reaching up to pull his goggles out of his hair and set them on the ground as well. “How many t-times have I smoked you out now?”

“I dunno.” You giggle back to him, before hauling your weighted body onto your side so that you can look at him better. “A bunch.”

“D-Don’t even know?” Toby raises an eyebrow, his eyes glazed over as he gazes up at you. “Weed’s fuckin’ with y-your head, darlin’. I oughta cut you off.”

“You won’t” Your tone is light, but you say it as a certainty.

And you’re right.

“Yeah, I won’t.” Toby hums back to you, his lip stretched into a sickly amused little smile. Words dripping with that honey sweet cockiness that made your knees weak every time. Voice as thick and rich as molasses, sticking to your ears and coating your every thought. “Why w-would I? Losing what? A couple grams of profit just to ha-have this dumb little doll in my bed?” You narrow your eyes at him, and his grin only widens. “That’s a-a win in my books.”

“You’re horrible.” You scoff, eyebrows wrinkling together. And he is, he’s the worst, but that hadn’t stopped you from getting close. Hadn’t stopped you from seeking him out.

“You love it.” You did. You didn’t even have to say it. He could see it in your foggy eyes, that infatuation that ran deep. And was it cruel, that he indulged you? Was it sick of him to keep feeding you substances that got you loopy, just because he liked to watch your inhibitions crumble away? Probably, but he’d have to be a much better man to care. “You should let me give you mo-more.”

“More?” You scoff. “Toby, if I smoke any more I’m probably gonna green out.”

“Not weed.” Toby snickers softly, raising an eyebrow as he fishes around in the pocket of his hoodie. “I sell o-other shit, you know. Expensive shit.” He lifts his hand, producing a dime bag containing a few pills you don’t recognize. “Bet they’d do you re-real good right now.”

And you’re definitely intrigued, but not enough to not ask questions.

“What is it?” You inch a little closer, your body sliding against his sheets as you creep over to the edge of the bed. He can see the curiosity in your eyes, and he knows he’s got you. That’s where it always starts, after all.

“Does it ma-matter?” He opens the baggie, eyes on you the entire time he drops two pills onto his palm. “It’ll make you feel g-good. Just trust me.”

“Trust you?” You raise an eyebrow, eyes flickering between the pills and his face. “You know you’re not exactly a trustworthy person, right?”

“And yet you keep c-coming back.” He snorts, his gaze leaving yours to pinch one of the pills between his fingers. “Watch.” He pops the pill in his mouth and swallows it. No hesitation, no fear. Not even needing water. Just throwing it back like it was nothing more than a vitamin, his confidence making your heart leap. “My shits clean, you know th-that. Wouldn’t give you anything I wouldn’t take myself.”

It’s a sound argument, for you at least. If it were dangerous, he wouldn’t have swallowed it so confidently. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have even offered to you.

“What’s it gonna do?” And yet you’re leaning forwards, making your intentions clear as your eyes stay fixed on the little pill still resting in his palm.

He doesn’t answer directly, just picks the pill up then leans towards you. His free hand cupping your jaw, squeezing it with a pressure that leaves you with no choice but to part your lips.

“Already t-told you.” He murmurs back to you. “Make you f-feel good.”

And like always, you let him. Part your lips, stick your tongue out, let him place the pill upon it. Feeling it dissolve a little when it hits your saliva, before you close your mouth and swallow it back. Trusting him, like you always do - even when you definitely shouldn’t. “Atta girl.” His fingers trail down your jawline, his touch just barely there - ghosting over your skin before he tucks a a few strands of hair behind your ear. “You just ss-swallowed $50, by the way.” He chuckles softly. “You should feel lucky you’re g-gettin’ freebies just because I like you.”

“You like me?” You ask softly, too high to even notice the shift as Toby moves towards you - oblivious until he’s lying right next to you. “Or do you just like what I give you?”

“What you give m-me?” Toby snorts softly, before reaching out to grasp your waits softly - tugging your pliant body right up close to his. “Don’t go treatin’ me l-like a charity case now.” Fingers digging into your skin, slipping under your shirt to feel it bare. “It’s real e-easy to find a junkie slut, you know.” Hands skirting under your clothes like he had the right, because he did. Because this body was his, just as much as it was yours. “I like you. Pretty little thing. So easy and ss-sweet for me.”

You can’t even refute him, because you knew he was right. You were easy. You had been easy. Letting him fuck you the first time he brought you home, letting him fuck you up time and time again. Just like you were right now.

Tilting your head to the side when he nudges his face into your neck, eyes fluttering when his lips part again your skin. Licking, biting, teeth sinking in deep. Breathing ragged and uneven, already panting against you and he’s barely even done anything yet. Pulling you in closer, flush against him - one hand snaking up to grasp at your tits as his leg lifts to hook over yours. And you’re melting. Brain fuzzy, body feeling gooey has his hands roam your skin. It feels right, just the slightest touches sending your nerves into a frenzy.

You can’t think, but that’s alright, thats how he liked you. Barely even able to speak, just murmuring out soft little whimpers and moans as he left his mark on you. The air is just as hazy as your mind is, the scent of smoke swirling together with his cologne to leave you even dizzier than you already are. And so, it’s not long until you’re sinking into the feeling completely.

Hands coming up to lazily snake into his hair, tugging on it gently as pulling his head upwards so that you can slot your lips with his. Slick, messy, uncoordinated - perfect. A one track mind, hellbent on getting you bare for him again as he panted into your mouth, drool seeping from off of his tongue and onto yours, tainted with the chemical taste of whatever the fuck you had just taken. Pulling you in like he was trying to consume you, and maybe he was. He knew you’d let him if that was his intent.

You don’t remember getting your shirt off, don’t remember getting his off, and you barely even register it when he rolls you both over so that his body’s pinning you to the sheets. But soon enough, you’re chest to chest, bare skin against bare skin, sweat mixing with his as he sinks his teeth into your neck. “So f-fuckin’ pretty.” Murmured against your skin, greedy hands already slipping down your abdomen to tug at the waistband of your sweats. “You’re mine, right?”

Probably? Maybe? You didn’t really know what Toby was to you. Probably just a drug in itself.

And yet,

“Yeah.” You gasp out, hips bucking towards his touch. An invitation for more. To strip you completely like he had done so many times. “I’m yours.”

“Damn right, you are.” He sounds ecstatic when he says it, feral in a way that should probably scare you and yet it doesn’t. Slurred and sloppy, hazy and unrestrained - you love him like this. Just as much as an enabler as he was. Dragging each other down, and having a damn good time while doing it. “No one else could m-make you feel like this, right?” Your pants come off in a swift move, somehow co-ordinated though his limbs felt heavy. Your panties follow suit rather quickly, and yet you don’t even squirm - worse, you let your thighs fall open on instinct. “You need me, right? You n-need me.” He’s downright begging you, his voice quivering on the edges of his words as he nuzzles against your jaw - so hot you can feel it radiating off of him, feeling absolutely smothered as he presses against you more. Fingers swiping against your slick, you’re reeling from how quickly you’ve found yourself here. How easily he’s slipped himself between your thighs once more - like that was where he belonged.

“Yeah, I need you.” Your chest heaving against his, feeling the vibrations fizzle through you as he lets out a soft hum. Lips parting to lick the sweat off of your skin, his thumb lazily playing with your clit as you squirmed so pathetically against him. He knew how you liked it. Slow and steady, the drugs always got you so sensitive so you could barely even handle more. And though he loved turning you into a teary, overstimulated mess, being gentle is what had you sticking around. Knowing he’d take care of you. That he’d never give you more than you could take - in every sense of the word. “Fuck- Toby,” Hips bucking up towards him, just feeling yourself grow wetter as he rolled your clit under the pad of his finger, pleasure sparking up your spine and making you shiver. “I need you-“ Meaning it more this time, moaning it out desperately, pulling on his hair so tightly you know he’d be wincing if he could feel it.

“Yeah, I-I know you do.” He’s gentle as he slips a finger inside you, shoulders jerking when he feels how wet you are already. How your tight heat wrapped around one digit like you were just made to take him. “That’s why you keep coming back, r-right?” He’s pumping it into you slowly, teeth dragging against your skin all the while. Biting a path from your jaw to your collarbone, making sure you bruise. Wanting you to see it all the next day, when you were sober. A reminder of who you gave yourself to. Who you really belonged to at the end of the day. “Can’t-Can’t live without this. Without me.” Crooking his finger just right, having memorized the placement of your g-spot ages ago now. Moaning into your shoulder right along with you when you absolutely crumble beneath him, relishing in the way your cunt clenches around him in reward for his efforts. “Mine. You a-always will be.”

It almost sounds like a threat, and maybe it was. Maybe you should know better, than to keep adding ruin to the wreckage every single time you walked up the pathway to his house. But you didn’t. He had wiped your rationality clean. Made ordinary life seem boring. Sobriety was no longer a goal, or an escape. It was a way to get away from him, and you didn’t want that. You don’t think you ever would. “You l-look best like this, you know?” As he’s slipping in another finger, lifting his head to watch your face as he stretches you open. “Falling apart f-for me. Don’t gotta think about nothin’ b-but my touch.” Eyes glinting in the low lighting of his bedroom he scissors them open wide, watching with keen interest as your brows pinch together - your body twitching and trembling beneath him. Moans growing shakier, hips jumping every time his fingers sunk into you. Responding to him so perfectly, just as you always did, Like you were made for him. “Feels good t-to let go, hm?”

It did, it always did, especially when you knew he’d be the one there to catch you. Giving in was scary, but not whilst lying beneath him. You knew that no matter how messy, or incoherent, or downright pathetic you got - he wouldn’t shun you. He’d just offer you the same old smile, and call you beautiful, just like he always did.

That’s what made him dangerous. His unwavering acceptance of your flaws, because he had no room to judge. He was so much worse.

When a third finger nudges in next to the other two, your hands are flying upwards - a desperate, gargled cry ripping from your lungs as the burn of the stretch finally beared its fangs. Making your thighs tremble and your stomach twist, nails sinking deep into his shoulders as tears spring to your eyes. It’s almost too much - almost. Toby knew your body’s limits, knew how much you could take. He’d never push you, just shush you softly and coax you into relaxation when you tried to fight it. It was so easy to listen to him, even as your brain melted into a puddle of mush, dripping out of your ears and onto his bedsheets. “Th-That’s it, you got it.” Slick gushing all over his fingers, soaking the digits on every press in. Feeling how your body just opened up for him, your cunt stretching open for him like an offering, dripping out the sweetest essence like a precursor to the main event. “You he-hear that?” He had one hand on your hip, holding you down as his fingers fucked into you. Letting your upper body writhe and spasm, but keeping your pussy right where he wanted it - right in the palm of his hand. “Pussy’s ss-so fuckin’ wet for me.” His gaze near feral as he gazed down at you, at how your expression contorted, drool pooling in the corners of your lips. “Shes’s b-beggin’ for my cock, baby.”

His words have a visceral effect on you, your face crumpling, gasping for breath as your cunt squeezes around his fingers. You can feel it when it throbs around him, feel that familiar heat brewing low in your gut. So easily brought out when it was stoked by him.

“Toby-“ If you had an ounce of rational thought left, you’d probably cringe at how desperately pathetic your voice sounded wrapped around his name. Shame isn’t in your books right now though, not as you start rocking your hips back to meet his movements, not as that sweet pleasure tied a noose around your throat and pulled you under. “Toby-“ Again, you choke it out. Like it’s the only word you know, like it’s a prayer and he’s the god you’re pleading to. Over and over again, drooling out his name as you fell to pieces beneath him.

“There you go.” He feels it when you cum, shudders when your pussy clenches around his fingers so desperately. Sucking the digits in like you still needed more, and he was more than happy to give it to you. “S-So pretty when you cum.” He fucks you through it, smiling to himself as he watches you through hazy vision - squirming and sniffling beneath him. Hips bucking and limbs twitching when it got to be too much, and yet he takes you further. Rubbing the pads of his fingers up against your g-spot just to hear how your voice cracked and quivered because of it. “You want m-more, right?” Still keeping his fingers inside you, his whole body tingling in euphoria at just how easy it was to turn you into a pile of tears. It never got old. He didn’t think it ever would. “I know my fingers aren’t enough. Y-You want my cock, right?” Curling them, making all of the air in your lungs leave in a wheeze. “Tell me.”

“Please, Toby.” You’re so fucked out already that you have no choice but to bed. Mindless as you plead for it, your vision swimming with tears as you try to blink them away to look at him. When you do, you’re falling all over again. Because he’s looking down at you like you’re some kind of goddess. Pupils blown right out, chest heaving, his shaggy hair matted to his forehead with sweat. He’s gorgeous, and that wan’t just the drugs talking, you were sure of it. “Need- Need it.” Your nails scratch up his back when you drag him in close, your bottom lip quivering as hot tears leave tracks down your cheeks. “Please- Please fuck me.”

“Oh, darlin’,” His smile is sickly sweet. Almost uncanny, like he was masking the true extend of his depravity beneath it. Through your watery vision, all you see is fondness. “Now, h-how am I supposed to say no to that?”

He doesn’t make you wait, probably because he’s just itching to get as close you you as possible. He’s been hard for a while now, since he first climbed onto the bed with you. Aching in his boxers, throbbing with need just for you. Fueled by desire, heightened by the stimulants floating around in his bloodstream. “I’ll fuck you.” He hums as he unbuttons his jeans - hasty, desperate, like he can’t bear another moment not being inside you. “I-I’ll fuck you good. I always do, hm?”

”Yeah.” You tug him in when he kicks his jeans off, barely even letting his get his underwear pulled down before your legs are wrapping around his waist and drawing him in. Ankles locking around his back already, trapping him right where he wanted him to be most. “Please- Please..” Scratching at his skin, hips kicking upwards when you feel him slide his cock through your slick folds. So ready for him that it makes his breath catch in his throat. “Fuck, Toby-“ You know you’re being pathetic, desperate pleas babbled out to him as drool seeps out of the corners of your mouth. Begging like he wasn’t quite literally rutting up against your cunt, twitching beneath his cock like your body was beckoning him to just sink right in.

“Shhh..” He chuckles softly, one hand slipping up to cup your tit as the other one reaches down to get himself lined up properly. His gaze flickering like a candle in the wind as he watched you jolt just from the feeling of him merely pressing against you. “D-Don’t gotta keep begging. I’m right here.”

He accentuates his words with a gentle nudge inwards, proving his point as his cock slipped into your heat so perfectly. Not even an ounce of discomfort because he had already stretched you open good, just that mind numbing satisfaction as his body slotted into yours like a puzzle piece fitting into place. “See?” His free hand smooths up your side, finding a home gripping your waist as the other one toys with your breast. Kneading it gently as he sunk in more and more, giving you inch after inch until you were trembling beneath him. Crying out to him, not sure exactly what you were begging for. “That’s b-better, right?”

Undeniably. He doesn’t really expect you to answer, so when all he gets is a pathetic little whimper in reply he just grins - gazing down at you through the hair falling in front of his eyes. So fond, so lovestruck, if only you were coherent enough to notice. “You a-always get like this.” He murmurs softly, nails biting into your skin as he slowly starts rocking his hips - his shoulders tensing up at the feeling of your cunt wrapping around him so deliciously. Like a glove. Like you were made to take him, and him only. “Get s-so fuckin’ d-dumb. Can’t even t-talk.”

Leaning down, his nose brushes against you, right in your face as you gasp your air. And now, all you can smell is him. All you can feel is him. All you can hear is him, gravelly groans slipping out between each breathy word. “S’it because you’re s-so fucked up?” He rasps out to you, not quickening his pace but driving into you deeper. Making you take all of it. Pulling you back to meet him until his cock was fully enveloped in your welcoming body. “Or do you j-just love my cock that much?”

You can't tell if that question is rhetorical, your mind so hazy that you can’t focus on anything but the feeling of his length sliding against your twitching walls. Sinking in nice and deep, the head giving your cervix a kiss every time he bottomed out. It left you near delirious, scrambling to grapple at him like he was the only thing grounding you to reality. Your movements are unconscious, rolling your hips back to get more an more of him, hiccuping out watery moans as your head lols against the pillow.

And to his question, you answer;

”I-I love you-“ Not his cock, not the way he fucks you - him. Him and his flaws. Him and how horrible he was beneath that candy coating he wrapped himself in. Your eyes are squeezed shut, so you don’t see it when his eyes widen, but you feel it when he falters. Hips stuttering a little, his grip on you tightening to a bruising degree. Not stopping, but close to it as he stared down at you in a mixture of disbelief and awe. But, he shakes it off rather quickly.

”Oh, baby,” And then his arm is slipping underneath your back, pulling your body up and close to his chest, cradling you as his hips rocked into yours. “N-No you don’t.” There’s not room for argument in his words, no sadness, no strain. Just cold honesty, like he knew you from the inside out. Like he had a better grasp on your thoughts than you did.

And honestly? Right now, he did.

”I do.” You insist through tears and choked out moans, pressing up into his hold like you were trying to crawl under his skin. Your face burrowing into the crook of his neck as your tears wet his skin- stubble tickling your cheek. “I do- I do-“

”You th-think you do.” Toby corrects you softly, on hand reaching up to card through your hair. He mirrors your actions, his head tilting down to rest against your shoulder. “But you don’t. Th-That’s just the drugs talkin’, darlin’.” Murmuring out the sweetest refusals even as he took you apart, keeping his movements nice and steady even as you clung to him so desperately. “And that's alright. That’s ha-half the reason I give ‘em to you.”

You can barely even hear him. You can feel the vibrations rumble through his chest with every word he speaks, can just barely make out the garbled gibberish that your known language has turned into. But the impact is lost on you.

But just as Toby said - that was alright. “Just- Don’t g-gotta think about that shit, yeah? Just let me have you.”

Easy. You had surrendered yourself to him the moment you stepped through his door. Drove in the final nail when you slipped into his bed like it was your own. And now, as you trembled in his arms, you were exactly what he wanted you to be. His, unequivocally. Crying out his name, clinging onto his body, nails sinking into and marking up his skin. Labels and such weren’t needed when he could see it with his own eyes, your dedication to him. Just handing yourself over, even if he definitely didn’t deserve it. “That’s it.” Hips snapping into yours, shivering as he felt your slick gush out around him and soak his pelvis. “Just t-take it.”

Your body cried for him, how was he supposed to ever abstain? “S-So good- Always feel so good for me.” He had you slotted snug against him, like your bodies were two parts of the same whole. Slick skin sliding against his, your tits smushed up against his chest as his hands slipped down to gasp at your ass. Using the grip as leverage as to pull you back to meet him. Snapping his hips into yours, driving his cock into you as the pace picked up. Like he was trying to fuck every pesky little thought right out of you. Wanting you mindless, unable to to think of the intricacies of who he was to you.

Right now, he was pleasure incarnate, and that’s all he needed to be.

Fucking into you until you were drooling against his shoulder, until there was nothing you were capable of besides moaning out his name with a broken voice. Legs around his hips, ankles locked behind his back, your pussy damn near squeezing the life out of him as he took you higher, and higher. “Hah- Fuck-“ Harder, deeper, the sound of skin on skin filling the smoky air. The scent of sex clinging to each heavy particle. “Gonna cum again, a-aren’t you?”

Words lost on you, all you can do is vehemently nod, sniffling against his skin as your fingers clawed upwards to snake into his hair. Grasping at the strands for dear life, getting them curled around your knuckles in a nice firm grip. “Yeah? G-Give it to me. Let me feel it.” It’s as if he held a key that unlocked the ecstasy within you, because his words ring in your ears like a beckoning call that your body just can’t deny. His voice, raspy and wrecked, breathed right out next to your ear, that's all it takes. One, two more thrusts and he’s got you crumbling to pieces again,melting into a puddle of pleasure that seeped through the gaps between his fingers. “C-Christ-“

Unknown or not, the effect you had on him was just as potent. You buckled him. Left him breathless not just from the feeling of your pussy milking his cock, but from the sight of you. Flushed, shaky, jaw gone slack and eyes so hazy and far away - like he had transported you to an entirely different world. “Perfect.” He barely even registers the word he breathes out, but he means it all the same. That’s what you were to him, indisputably. “Fuckin’-“ He just barely clinging to coherency, his whole body trembling as his hips twitch and his thrusts get sloppier. “Too good- You-You’re too good-“ And he means it, in more ways than one.

He doesn’t last long after that, can’t. Barely getting a few more pumps in before his body’s going rigid - teeth sinking deep into your shoulder to muffle the broken groan that leaves him when he presses in deep for the final time. Not asking, because he knew you’d let him. Spilling into you with a warmth that makes you shudder, marking you as his from the inside out for the nth time over.

Then, he slumps. Body going limp. Just barely refraining from crushing you as his arms curl around your torso - pressing you into the bed as he gasps out wheezing breaths against your neck. Sweat dripping from his hair onto your skin, still trembling like a leaf even as his heart beat slowly came back down to a normal pace. “See?” He’s murmuring against you when he finally finds his choice again, still not moving, just holding you close. Because he knows that this is the only time he’s really allowed to. “T-Told you it’d make you feel good.”

”Nah.” You hum back to him as your eyes finally flutter back open, your hands idly smoothing down his back as you gaze focuses on the ceiling once more. Back to counting each and every crack. “That was all you.”

He tries to hide it. Keeps his face buried in your neck to keep it out of your view, but you feel his lips curl into a soft little smile against your neck. More than that, you feel his heat speed up a bit again where it beats against your chest.

”Yeah?” His voice is softer now, murmured out tiredly in a breath that tickles your skin and raises goosebumps on your arms. “Sounds l-like I gotta find a better supplier then.”

And you could try and unpack it all. Try to pull his head up and look him in the eyes, searching for the answer for every single question you have about him.

But, you're too tired for that.

And so, you just laugh.

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Heyyyyyy lol. This ones for all the anons creaming over dealer!Toby in my inbox lmfao.

Sorry i got angsty??? Idk thats just where it took me, regardless I hope you enjoyed lmfao

[kickedin17]

Actually I will make a more sincere blurry birthday post fuck it.

(Warning for discussion of suicidal ideation. Also this is long but it's me what do you expect #MyYapping)

When I was 15 I was certain I would never be 16. I was going through extremely grueling mental and physical health issues, I was extremely isolated (mostly by choice), and the one friendship I had, which would eventually destroy my late teens & early 20s due to addiction and codependency, was just starting to take its first really bad turn. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and we didn't know how his treatment would go (he'll be cancer-free for 10 years in the fall). Among other family upheavals and crises and dramas that I don't want to list here but still affect me to this day. I felt like I had nothing and was nothing. Most days I literally didn't even feel like a real person. My life was a sick ugly dream that I didn't know how to wake up from. At the time I was really into the movie Inception. And I'll just say Mal's logic didn't seem all that far fetched to me.

And amidst all that, soundtracking it, was this little album I'd discovered on tumblr a couple days after it came out, called blurryface. I didn't really follow tyler and josh much, and I wasn't active in the clique at the time. I wouldn't be until I started using instagram in 2017 and got really hooked in with all the theories after the hiatus started. But the music? The music was there for me. The music inspired me to keep writing, which in turn inspired me to keep living, because as long as I had a story to tell, I had a reason to be alive. There is literally a scene in one of my drafts from the time that's just a recreation of the tear in my heart bridge. I was obsessed with the imagery in hometown and the judge and heavydirtysoul, and channeled them in my visual art for years. Goner ripped me open in ways I hadn't felt since I listened to linkin park's a thousand suns when I was first beginning to experience chronic depression and suicidal ideation. Going back to vessel and self-titled gave me even more to love and to hold onto. Like so many other people, when I say this band and this music saved my life, I mean it literally.*

The year was brutal. But I lived to 16. And 17. And I kept living so I could hear trench for the first time, and leave the city hit me so hard I couldn't listen to it for the first month after it came out without crying uncontrollably, because for now I was alive. I lived so I could see them live on the bandito tour, and I cried during leave the city there, too, while being held by the person who would later convince me not to drop out of college. Bandito became a weapon against my intrusive thoughts as my ocd worsened. I listened to scaled and icy in the backseat while me and my mom and sister made a 14 hour nonstop drive to see my grandma in the hospital, because it was the only thing that kept me from absolutely freaking out. By the time clancy came out I was already (mostly) committed to being alive, and since then, because of that album and joining the clique on tumblr, I've met people I consider true friends and I've made art and writing in ways I thought I never would again at the start of 2024.

The intensity of my interest in twenty one pilots has naturally fluctuated with time. There were a couple years where I hardly listened to them at all or (foolishly) thought maybe I had in fact "grown out" of them. But I think when you grow Up with something the way I and a lot of other people have grown up with this band, it never truly leaves you.

As long as I write, I carry twenty one pilots with me, even though I no longer view writing as a matter of survival. *I also now understand it wasn't the music or the writing or anything that kept me alive; it was myself, fighting. But the music definitely helped me do it.

As long as I live, I am doing so off the commitment of my 15 year old self, the first time she listened to migraine and felt genuinely heard by a piece of music, and decided to believe that there is really a hopeful undertone. I am doing so, also, off the commitment of my 18 year old self, who learned that if "for now" is all you have, it can still be enough. And myself now, every time I breathe through the urges I still feel and may always feel.

Blurryface turning 10 is a celebration of the boys and everything they've accomplished. It's a celebration of an absolutely fucking incredible, record-breaking, genre-defying album. There is no album more quintessentially millenial (in a good way). It is decade defining. It became the springboard for what is, in my opinion, one of the best conceptual narratives in music history. It's so iconic that if you know about the band you cannot see a red beanie & black shirt combo and not think about blurryface. It deserves the goddamn hype.

It's also a reminder and a promise to myself (and to you) that I'll still be here when it turns 20, too.

Tl;dr

Viva la 2015

[lautity]

omg how did you guess i think about her.....steps in front of username to cover it. ignore that

edit from after this was written: i am so sorry. i am so so so sorry for this. it's like a whole fic i have no one else to say this to bc no onecares about them HAJKDSAHKSJHD i am . shaking. so sorry. omg. don't hate me

anyway you are so correct ARHJHKS pathetic autistic lesbian who grew up alienated from her peers bc she was "weird" and ppl didn't wanna be friends with her....until zoey came along and actually tolerated her (used her) and turned her into a dog basically.

she'd do anything for zoey....anything..........they are so homoerotic codependent friendship coded. zoey is MOST DEFINITELY in love with hailey but in like a very unhealthy "my feelings for you make me look weak so i need to make you weak by treating you like this" (plus zoey is just a bitch to everyone in general)

and hailey just takes it. bc she admires zoey so much. like she canonically sees her as a mentor. even though they're likely the same age. and yes yes she is in love with zoey because who wouldn't be. who wouldn't fucking fall for the only person who ever like. talked to her. who sings so well and acts so well and controls every room she enters. who has the power over people hailey could only dream to have one day......and also she's SO hot

NOW. THOUGH. it is canon that they have a third roommate. what if i told you it was greenpeace girl herself - harmony jones. (not canon. not even hinted at)

i just think. harmony is soo passionate about the environment. passionate in general. also autistic. good at masking though. but takes no shit. she's the first person zoey can't manipulate or degrade and it SUCKS. she's like 5'10 to me and basically towers over zoey of she's wearing her huge thrifted black boots. and it makes her so flustered and SO angry

and like. it is pretty funny to intimidate hatchetfield's favorite knockoff regina george. zoey passes her in the hallway and actually has to look up to meet harmony's dumb stupid sparkly gorgeous eyes......and harmony just smirks.........and zoey like. regains her composure. tears her eyes away and hisses "get out of my way" and practically sprints to her room. slams the door. and harmony calls after her "sorry princess" and zoey is so angry and flustered she bites a pillow not to scream

hailey and harmony are soo special too. harmony sees hailey, because she's willing to. she likes listening to her ramble. she likes seeing her happy & not constantly hiding herself in fear of being abandoned again. she is soooo down bad for hailey she'd do anything for her.

sounds like a pretty weird roommate dynamic right. WRONG. polyamory beam.

hailey looks at harmony like she carries the stars in her eyes. harmony looks at her the same. zoey is added into this and feels a little out of place. for the FIRST TIME in her life, zoey chambers feels out of place.

hailey and harmony make a huge effort though. because they are also still very much down bad for this bitch.

harmony just has like.....zoey on a leash. a mean lesbian with an even meaner lesbian on a leash. zoey eventually leans into it. her new role of being harmony's pretty princess........

she starts being less cruel to hailey. she's still like a bitch, that's just in her nature, but there's sweetness to it.....she makes an effort to learn stuff about hailey. hobbies and favorite musicals and all that. she learns that hailey can actually be kinda sorta cool (in a lame way) if she's not constantly biting her tongue.

staring at you really hard like a cat. they (you) could never make me hate you zazz haileydilmore.

i am actually really obsessed with 'in love with her, but not as an equal'. princess and handmaid coded. fondness but its buried under so much scorn. you Could tell her. and it'd probably make her more devoted. but she'd already do anything for you, so why give her that leverage?

there's this specific feeling some people (especially like. popular hot girls. lol) give you where they make you feel important. like. just by being around you, by deeming you worth their time, they're calling you special. even if they aren't actually being nice to you. unspoken affection of letting you stay close to them. it's like a really fun addictive feeling and i think hailey is always chasing that from zoey

harmony teaching hailey that she deserves so so much better than how zoey treats her.......i don't think that would be immediate but it would be like. a slow build-up of being less and less comfortable w/ zoey's demands before she finally flat-out refuses to do something. probably with a "you aren't even nice to me, zoey. I don't think you ever have been."

i think....zoey hates seeing harmony and hailey happy together at all it makes her So Mad because she had hailey first. and she's been stolen. by what? being kind??

the Entire Time zoey is ruminating on this harmony and hailey are both trying to kind of invite her in and be like hey we arent mad at you we should probably all talk (The Polyamory Talk™. zoey does not know this i dont think). but zoey is both upset/jealous and maybe a little tiny bit worried that she'll fuck up whatever they have. because she does maybe feel the littlest bit bad about hurting hailey. a little bit. because there is actually something nice about this happier, more confident, more assertive hailey. maybe she feels a miniscule amount of guilt that she was the reason she was miserable for so long.

they do finally ask her out and shes so out of her element waugh......because yeah harmony has her whipped.

+ ur so right zoey is never nice, persay, but harmony definitely dulls some of her edges and she's a lot more able to say things with affection rather than spite. and harmony's reign ushers in clear communication (or else), so when zoey has issues with hailey there is no more passive-aggressive comments that leave her spiralling

ugh i think zoey wld still snap at hailey sometimes and harmony always mediates.....theres something kind of fun about hamony being a protector. maybe zoey feels a little left out sometimes because of this, like she's the third or the spare or the least wanted. not a feeling shes used to! of course they reassure her that this is not true. but maybe she makes a bit more of an effort with her temper, anyways. you understand

[jirokirisaki]

HELLO!!! its so nice to see other writers in the fandom :D !!! are there any tropes or genres or aus that you really enjoy? and what do you like about your favorite ghouls :O

i hope u have a nice day !!! <3 (nd i hope you don't mind my questions T0T)

HII!!!! It's nice to be here! This fandom has been so welcoming, I'm flabbergasted. and I don't say that word lightly!!

For tropes/genres, I'm the kind of person who would read anything if it's got a blorbo in it and it's written well, though there's definitely some I enjoy writing more than others (reader really is up in the air). Angst and hurt/comfort, for one, is a big one for me. I like comedy sprinkled in drama fics, and AUs if I get big into brainstorming them. As for tropes, I like suffering, so I do like whump a bit (though the severity of it depends on the character).

Also all the usual ship tropes. Especially love soulmate fics with unique spins on the concept, only one bed, sex pollen, punishment, doctor/patient, mad scientist/their creation, slowburn, mutual pining (neither realises that they're pining). And a bunch more I forgot about rn

What do I like about my fave ghouls!!!!

have you SEEN jiro he's literally the guy ever

no but actually, my faves are 1. Jiro 2. Yuri 3. Whoever happens to be on my mind at that point in time that is NOT Jiro or Yuri. I'm afflicted with a disease called Mortkrankenitis. No known cure. As a unit or apart, these two infect my brain in ways I don't think I can even articulate. Their codependency. The way they understand each other in such a deep, personal level that I don't think is matched by any other captain/vc pair other than maybe ed and rui. If you have to cry, do it when we're alone. Yuri's insecurity vs Jiro's apathy being the funniest shit. Both of them being perhaps the most USEFUL ghouls to MC by FAR (closest being Ed, but those two are actively TRYING to cure the MC) really makes them stand out to me too. It does help too that all of Jiro's cards are super good. like.

(not pictured: my FA Dino Bones Yuri, my 2 star 2.2mil standard Yuri SSR, and my FA Mors Yuri)

That combined with just being a sucker for Jiro's design from the get-go (red eyes + black hair + scars.... kiss me already), the frankenstein allusions, and the tragic, soft nature of him... yeah I'm hooked. Plus, like - sorry to every other ghoul, but NO ONE gets aura moments like him. he gets a fucking chainsaw how fucking rad is that

i hope YOU have a nice day too!! and these were good questions, i rambled on for a bit!!

[claudiablogger]

your post on the irrelevance of love in louis and armand's relationship is interesting! it makes me wonder, though, how you would even define "love" in such a situation; because as you say, the tie is overwhelmingly all the abusive efforts armand takes to keep louis bound to him. i wonder if it wouldnt be more accurate to say that some affection exists despite it all. im sure that, for example, louis might have honestly enjoyed those trips around the world they went on after the stage trial, and that they could have had moments that could ressemble tenderness that louis could have taken comfort in. but for "love"... i do wonder. maybe its bc im very picky on definitions and this doesnt exactly matter tho. what do you think?

i absolutely agree that affection exists in the dynamic, but i think it's 1. gratitude for armand saving his life 2. a natural consequence of companiable decades spent together--not inherent to any pairing of course but i'm taking armanlou and their dispositions into account. i wonder about the love too, like i do think it dissipates entirely after louis finds out but it wouldn't be accurate to say all feelings for armand do; it's part of why i would love to read more fic about the horrific aftermath of armand leaving, and louis coming to terms with not only the loss of claudia but also of his trust, and vulnerability, and freedom--even, and especially, if these were in armand's keeping under coercion and gaslighting. to clarify love to me is wanting the other person--wanting them in your life, liking them, feeling an affection for them, deeply caring for their well-being, etc. when i say the love is irrelevant i don't mean to louis' feelings, i mean to the state of the relationship--to louis first choosing to stay with him (driven primarily by other factors, even if you could argue that love is one of them it's clearly not the central one. louis has literally just lost claudia; the romantic conflict here if any--and i do think there is, internally, pertaining to louclaudia codependencies, and louis' devastation at his failure to protect her--is not whether he is into armand) and armand choosing to keep louis at all costs.

love and subjection or love and abuse are of course not at all mutually exclusive--in fact, they coexist just as much as not--but armand's love for louis comes from his affection towards louis, his desire for (possessing) louis, etc; his abuse of louis comes from not only a feeling of entitlement to this affection and desire, as with lestat, linked to love, but above all a sense of self-preservation--to control perfectly the rest of his life after the coven's falling apart, and to keep louis from finding out the truth. louis' companionship grows to replace the coven, for armand; a new avenue of power so similar to the last, at least in how absolute. my point is any love that existed, did so in this context, any affection between each other was intermingled with resentment and on louis' part, a deeply buried hatred, but under the conditions of suppression armand created, louis doubtless did feel a love for him, just as louis did feel shame in his own desires and hungers, of a different sort than he did with lestat. so i don't think the affection is antithetical to the abuse--like i said, it is wrapt up in gratitude, and armand has carefully stoked that gratitude so louis feels incapable of making his own decisions, and this cycle of performative masochism (armand) and empty sadism (louis, through armand) allows for the guilt to fester, and the love to find a firmer place in its handling. i don't like to go by what actors say but i think jacob anderson's words are useful for this--armanlou is tender. in that louis' vulnerabilities are exploited until louis is dependent on armand, and on believing and expressing a version of love that armand dictates. i think we could go around in circles about this forever BUT ultimately i think it's inarguable that before he knows about the extent of the gaslighting and armand's part in the lynching louis does feel affection and desire for armand, and, through the latter's coercion and louis' own determination to forgive, has reconciled himself to staying with him in a way i think not uncommon in abusive relationships. i think you're right to be picky about love, here, and i'm not saying my interpretation is the right one, but i do think whatever love in their relationship exists not despite the abuse, but rather is offered in its context--by a louis whittled down to a shadow of himself, and an armand who cannot, who refuses to, conceive of himself or louis outside the permanence of their relationship

[suffarustuffaru]

my thoughts on every interpretation you could have of ottosuba (+ rated out of 10)

hello recently i did this poll and i said id give my thoughts on it (also bc mutuals encouraged me to do so) so here goes!! gonna cover multiple avenues of platonic or romantic or (it's complicated) ottosuba <3

1. brothers

not a personal fav of mine but i really dig it though i get the appeal :3 bc like ottosuba are Clearly garfiel's older brothers (stated explicitly in rezero canon) but also i just really dig emilia camp's found familyisms and the three idiots are one of my favorite trios in rezero ever!! so the natural conclusion is to round out the trio and make ottosuba found family brothers also which is while not an interpretation i turn to right away i think its really really sweet!! and also platonic obsession ottosuba is a real win bc neither of them are normal about any relationship ever. but especially with each other (from otto's end). a solid 7/10.

2. purely platonic bffs

this is like their official canon relationship right? and also they define their relationship as them being friends and its great!!! also most subarus - otto if subaru is a tiiiinyy tiny bit debatable - but subaru generally we know for sure doesnt like otto romantically while ottos is just hes Down Bad but what Flavor of down bad? but anyway - i love deep friendships!! i love ottosubas own flavor of freak4freak..... platonic obsession........... <333 </333 their friendship is important to me!! its the basis of their whole dynamic!! they love each other so much!! 9/10.

3. queerplatonic

queerplatonic is like. theyre platonic mixed in with the expectations youd have for traditional romantic relationships - the nature of the qpr varies on the people within them of course and i think itd be a super interesting avenue to take ottosuba down. bc i think like in general as they are now in main route especially theyd want to stick with each other for life. they are platonically married to Me. ottoemisuba are a trio too and ottos their biggest supporter (to sometimes concerning degrees but the emilia camp found familyisms matter to Me). i definitely think otto if ottosuba veers into this category or in future categories on this list and im super fond of this take because i am of the personal opinion that ottosuba are like. found family but in a queer way, as @saphiim said in her tags on the reblog of the poll HAH. so queerplatonic ottosuba is fun to me i really enjoy it. and i definitely think otto if could fit under this category (or other categories later in the list). 9/10.

4. schrödinger’s relationship (platonic or romantic???? they dont know/elaborate)

so like. again, ottosubas friendship is super important to me and the basis for the love in their dynamic. it's how they define themselves too. and so schrodinger's relationship is like - they call each other friends they Are friends but theres not more definition other than that that they explicitly say. or - they may not even 100% know what their feelings on each other is, like they might be like oh hes my friend - and then, as it happens irl sometimes, have like a sort of situationship where they arent sure if theyre feelings on each other past that is fully platonic or romantic or what have you.

i think it's a really relatable take that id love to see more in fiction but also in ottosuba - its the default that i try to go to when i write them in a lot of my ottosuba fics where they just dont fully define their relationship past being Close Friends or theres like a loooot of confusion once they go to the core of their relationship. and i think arguably... Debatably... schrodingers relationship IS how otto's end of ottosuba goes. and arguably otto if ottosuba and stuff like gluttony if ottosuba does have the schrodingers relationship going a bit. i think with the schrodingers relationship take though subarus more firmly in the We're Friends end (but with subarus brand of unhinged codependency of course), though i dont think subaru would really dwell on it either or itd get Complicated for him too, but otto's like more confused from the get go. do i love subaru platonically or romantically? what counts as romantic? i know subaru is My Friend. but idk much else other than that. like i just Really Really Like Him and would do Anything for him. im just not gonna touch it other than him being my friend that i would do anything ever for and would like to spend the rest of my life with.

but subarus got a lot to deal with (and is prettyyy attracted to emijuli) and also otto "i could never date a woman she wouldnt be my first priority" suwen and otto "i have avoidant attachment lol" suwen who knows emisuba especially has a thing (and is an emisuba stan) wouldnt really try anything. dude just would never voice much of his feelings on subaru other than "you're my friend" and "i'm glad to have you back", partly bc otto wouldnt know much about his feelings other than that, partly bc otto would have a crisis about it if he touched it for too long and he already has a crisis about subaru’s hero complex. anyway 10/10 this is my favorite ottosuba take HAH. i like the tension of a fictional relationship being in stasis like this and i like how much you can read into it!! this feels to me like the canon basis for ottosuba as well that acknowledges all sides of it!! (their friendship, the unknown queer tension…)

5. it’s complicated (romantic)

this one is you know the one a lot of shippy ottosuba fancontent goes with - the straightforward but not straight romance. it's also the one that gets like brought up a few times in otto qnas - people asking if ottos subarus wife (the answer was no), people asking if ottos gay for subaru (the answer was not really, which is.... a little sus LMFAO). there's also a few other details that you could easily interpret as romantic in nature or at the very least Kinda Queer (otto clearly getting Some Kind of Crush on Subaru in arc 4, otto repeatedly bringing up subaru in his narration in his dialogue in his diary etc etc, the canon "otto is my side toy" arc 4 wn line, the canon "otto are you gay for roswaal lol dont come for me" arc 4 wn line, otto transphobia feeling a Bit too personal, remsuba parallels, otto if.. also those Two Times otto reaaaally sounded like he moaned subarus name in his sleep, etc).

i have written ottosuba romance before and gone a little into how sexual attraction might look there (also my otto bdsm posts exist...), though i do think that as an asexual person im gonna end up being asexual about my ottosuba writing too LMFAO. but also i personally enjoy a bit of asexuality a bit of aromanticism in my ottosuba because thats what i hc from otto for Reasons. but i do enjoy ottosuba romance a lot either way. i think in main route its definitely one sided and in otto if it is. Debatable. and gluttony if is very interestingly ottosuba-centric the Entire way through. like otto if’s subaru dreaming about otto naked and inviting subaru to bathe with him + repeated use of "partners" for ottosuba + remsuba parallels is Super Intriguing. also the. uhhhh boytoy stuff in main route is really really funny. but also the angst in possible otto’s never voiced unrequited crush on subaru is really interesting to me (also bc ottos just. Obsessed. with subaru.) but also the bittersweetness of it bc he does want emisuba to be happy and would 1000% be best man at their wedding. 8/10.

6. it’s complicated (romantic but Asexual)

this is what i default to when writing ottosuba romance even if its not super explicit in my own fics HAH. in my. ottosuba smut fic..... i was going with the intention of otto having a (demi)sexual awakening T^TT with a bit of demiromanticism T^T and otto asexuality + aromanticism is something i go into in a few other fic wips of mine though at the time of this post they are not done yet. i do hc otto as either demisexual - or simultaneously on three A spectrums at once HAH (aromanticism, asexuality, autism, the later of which Is canon), so that does kinda translate whenever i write him anyway even if ive never said it explicitly. anyway i like this take. im fond of it. 9/10.

7. it's complicated (Aromantic + Asexual)

NOW THIS IS DELICIOUSSS i do think theres something queer going on with ottosuba - otto's end of it specifically - but MANN aroace otto hits on a different level for me. i really really love exploration of aro and or ace relationships like this in media esp as an ace person - idk if im aro but i really really like aro stories and the exploration of aroace otto. firstly bc i think its funny that he has the aroace color palette in his design but secondly bc i think otto AT LEAST being asexual makes sense to me.

i think schrodinger's relationship would have to be like. the basis of all the romance tinged ottosuba takes in different ways. its the basis of platonic friends ottosuba too probably but its Gotta be the basis of (a)romantic ottosuba. queer relationships queer love is tough and i think for subaru it comes in more with like the guys hes Really attracted to - vincent, reinhard, julius, and of course subaru has his subaru typical issues but for subaru, otto's his best friend. otto is "simpler" for subaru to deal with. otto is dependable. (this of course will bite subaru in the ass later on in main route.) for otto i think though he has like. his autism comes into this, his slight attachment issues too, and then theres ottos shame (see: otto transphobia), but also genuinely i think otto needs to be close to people to develop any sort of romantic or sexual feelings if At All.

ottos main crush is like. a cat. that he was friends with as a child. and theres kind of not much mention of any other crushes except for like one (1) blink and you miss it human girl. which you could interpret in different ways probably (kid otto genuinely having a crush on the cat and the girl vs picking one of his friends or someone he just admired from afar and going “this must be a crush! normal people have crushes!”). tappei in qnas says spring (romance) wont come for otto which you can interpret in a number of ways (otto is gay for subaru? otto aromanticism? etc etc). and then theres otto saying he cant date someone bc she wouldnt be his first priority (a woman, bc otto has got that societal cisheteronormativity going on and that paired with his neurodivergence and anxiety is him trying very hard to be "normal"). of course you can chalk some of this up to otto's kinda self imposed slight-isolation too but genuinely otto to me reads like someone who feels like he needs to get married to a woman and have kids bc thats whats expected of him to do. thats the "right" thing to do. and he's not Supposed to dress up as a woman or like dressing up as a woman or approve of subaru doing that bc thats the "wrong" thing to do.

and otto of course going "im too busy rn for a relationship i got other shit to do" can be his slight avoidant attachment stuff too or him prioritizing subaru/emilia camp (and also otto genuinely prioritizing his career)... but yeah he does read to me like someone who isnt. Completely. Allosexual or Alloromantic. it's even easier for him to go "nah im not getting too close to people i dont want a romantic relationship rn" bc of that, i feel.

well also like i think the entanglement of ottos autism, aromanticism, asexuality, avoidant attachment and other struggles in his relationships in general is a really fascinating combo and it feels REAL. this is the kind of aroace rep i want in my life. its so complicated and nuanced and i Really Really Dig It.

also tappei says otto canonically has a type in woman and ironically all of those traits are traits subaru has HAH. so like. regardless of whats going on with ottos side of ottosuba i think its Really Complicated. i think that subaru is pretty oblivious to a lot of it. also bc otto would rather subaru not know about any of the details there. and also bc otto doesnt 100% Know what the hell hes feeling about subaru other than the fact that subarus his friend that he really loves. and again if otto looked at it too closely he’d start an alcoholism speedrun any %.

anyway. i really adore aroace otto. i think i mentioned in a past post that i like demisexual biromantic otto too i just never went into depth about my ace and/or aro hcs until now. but yes i really adore aroace ottosuba - even in otto if, otto is enthusiastic about shipping emisuba together LJDLFJDF which is both hilarious and really sweet and you could interpret it in different ways. you could interpret ottosuba in a lot of ways and aroace ottosuba in a lot of ways which makes it super fun for me!!!! a very solid 10/10.

[bassguitarinablackt-shirt]

percy you know i'm obsessed with your silly lil guys so

41, 23 and 33 for mathew and alex

43, 11, and 15 for alex and myers

akljsdlkssjd i'm so obsessed with them you have no idea (also myers needs SO many hugs... why did you hurt him like that...)

ohoho this will be fun :) uhm small little tw for like. a mention of suicide and addiction in my answer to one of these

41. What would they do if they lost the other? im not gonna lie alex would either kill himself or spiral into an alcohol addiction if he lost mathew, if mathew lost alex he'd probably spend just. months. shut off in his room. barely sleeping, barely drinking, barely eating, barely doing anything besides mourning.

23. What are the defining characteristics of their relationship? atleast near the beginning of pdgg.....id say anger and codependency. mathews angry at alex for leaving him and salveria back in middleschool, alex is angry at mathew for the fact that mathew cares about him, the fact that mathew wont just let alex run away from the past. theres so much anger between them but theres this weird codependency there that comes from the fact that with salveria gone they're the only things eachother has left of their childhood. they're holding onto eachother as hard as they can but they're doing it with their claws out. or something. (canonically they like. pick fights with eachother alot and overtime it goes from them genuinely being angry at eachother to just. an excuse to be close.)

33. How do they flirt? Who’s the worse flirt? these boys can not do anything normally so their idea of flirting is mathew backing alex up against a wall while theyre arguing and alex smirking while staring at mathews lips. mathew is DEFINITELY the worse flirt. alex has a weird amount of experience flirting with rich boys with internalized homophobia while mathew has like zero experience flirting with boys in general.

now for everyones favorite bandmates with benefits to have a turn.....

43. If they picked out outfits for each other, what would they look like? alex would definitely put myers in a fancy suit (with a tie he can pull on I SAID WHAT), and i have two different vibes for what myers would put alex in

either something like this (what alex normally wears and is comfortable in and myers finds hot as fuck)

orrrrr something like this (what alex wants to wear but is kinda scared to and myers thinks is cute as fuck)

11. How do they feel about nicknames/pet names? If they like them, what pet names do they use? If they hate them, why do they feel that way? its....complicated. i feel like for the most part theyd both use them jokingly (babe, baby, darling, and love mostly except myers will also occasionally call alex the most cringe shit like shnookums to make him cringe) and they're both fine with that. but then it gets to a point where its. not as joking. and when alex realizes this it starts scaring him and suddenly he has a negative reaction to myers calling him. any petname really but especially love/my love

15. What songs remind you of their relationship? SO MANY.

romance is boring by los campesinos!, stupid for you by waterparks, yours by conan gray, footnote by conan gray, do i wanna know? by arctic monkeys, daddy issues by the neighborhood, complicated by avril lavigne, self-sabotage by waterparks, i like the way by lovelytheband, talk too much by coin, casual by chappell roan, r u mine? by arctic monkeys, 8 letters by why dont we, teeth by 5 seconds of summer, etc etc i should reallyyyyy make a playlist

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK MY DEAR CRISTIE I AM GLAD YOU LOVE THESE GUYS AS MUCH AS I DO (and im sorry for hurting myers like that but i fear it is in my nature to torture my ocs 😔)

[starsarefire824]

Just popping in that demons just absolutely fucking kills me. There are several aspects of mike in this that i can relate to way too much, while he simultaniously reminds me of former friends of mine and im just. Emo about it. Loooove the codependency he has going on with max (never thought id read about max and mike making out without gagging but here we are xD) also. I wanna murder troy. And all those stranger and. Teachers(is it the one that put them together foe the project???)

Thank you so so much!! It does make me sad that you find him so relatable in this. I think he's sort of a a conglomerate of feelings I have felt in my life, definitely some friends I have, and some characters in stories that have effected me deeply. This version of Mike--his pain is great, and it's been interesting to delve into his very complicated feelings around his abuse as well as his grief. So I'm pretty emo about it too, ngl.

Lmao, that's the most common response I get when I write madwheeler. Their co-dependency in this story is definitely interesting and like--i get it ya know? they're all each other has really, and I love this intense platonic thing they have going on with its own unique set of boundaries. To the outside world, it probably is weird and doesn't make sense. But to them---it's how they love each other and it's totally natural.

Troy----well Troy is something. 😢 His relationship with Mike is so convoluted and also co-dependent even with Troy's abuse. And--you caught that didn't you? Remember in chapter 4 when Mike said that Mr. Richards was "a fucking douchebag" ? ....yeah. 😒 Makes you think more on why Mike even ended up back in his class and why he's torturing him by being set up with Will on a project.

[rowavolo]

hiiii !! 2 4 6 and 12 (if you have one) for your obey me s/i? either one! c:

hi hi hi !! :D ty for the ask wheeeee also i MUST compliment your choice of numbers here. these are lovely numbers. some of my favourites genuinely

answers under the cut i KNOW im not gonna be able to shut the hell up !! im gonna do it for angel!ro because hes funny and cool i think

2. How similar is your s/i to you? Are they a carbon copy, completely different or a mix of the two?

Hmm, a bit of a mix, really! But also I do like to try and include my little quirks/idiosyncrasies where i can for my s/is because theyre very much a way that i express myself and explore things that aren't necessarily feasible for me irl . I think the main difference is my s/is are slightly less depressed. though that may be more due to circumstance and stuff. also significantly less time spent laying in bed due to pain/fatigue. but other than that (and the obvious physical differences) I try to keep the personality and vibes pretty similar to myself in real life where i can :3

4. How did your s/i feel when they first met your f/o(s)? How do they feel about them now?

To begin with, my s/i was definitely very ... not exactly intimidated by, but sort of .. anxious around Diavolo. Due to the nature of their relationship and the arranged aspects of it, he felt a lot of pressure to get along well with Dia and be like the 'perfect' spouse, since this marriage had so much riding on it (peace between celestial realm and devildom , blah blah blah, whatever) so at first hes very quiet and anxious and just afraid to speak up or make himself a nuisance in any way, so he'd always just smile and nod along to Diavolo's suggestions and jokes and sort of 'dull down' any gruesome answers to the questions he was posed about the celestial realm (though this is also in part due to the fact that things up there are very much Not As They Seem and the angels are uhh 'strongly encouraged' not to disclose too much information)

As time goes by and he gets more comfortable, however, he lets his weirdness really shine, along with his dark sense of humour. He and Diavolo wind up going through a lot together and sort of bond over that, along with their weirdly parallel upbringings, so they become really close and painfully in love. Like. 'will only use pet names for one another and always be holding hands' levels of PDA. It's obnoxious and codependent. Diavolo absolutely dotes on Ro, and Ro definitely comes to rely on him more and more as like.. 'his person.' He becomes more comfortable with unmasking and asking Dia for help with things (and if Dia can't, then he'll ask Barbs to). Theyre like two bonded cats. if you separate them they'll get depressed and start pining and become physically ill after too long. It may be a little unhealthy but like. theyre just hanging out. they like it that way. they can spend time away from each other, they just don't often really want to. They vibe like the most stereotypical 'straight guys who do really gay stuff for the bit' but they committed fully and are so so in love. theyve been around each other so much that they basically have their own language, etc. and are just so comfy and happy around one another that its obnoxious to look at i think <3 ro loves his big silly himbo to bits and vice versa

6. Has your s/i undergone any design/story changes since they were first made?

Hmm, I'd have to say absolutely yes, but genuinely I can't think of exactly what off the top of my head. He's kind of been adjusted a bit as i've fleshed out the ~vibes~ of the way i interpret the celestial realm, he got given haunted angel cryptid lore and lack of 'flock' attraction lore (theyre intertwined also) and put through The Horrors also. he also has his own more fucked up au with even more Horrors. just like for the funny. Visually though, his design has mostly stayed the same. I'm not really a huge fan of how his outfit vibes, but i think overall i do like his Vibe and hes very silly and parallels nicely with Dia!

Though looking at the pics below i havent entirely decided how i like to draw his hair. which is like blaaahhh bleeeh bluueeueueuh

12. Can we see a picture of your s/i?

tada!!!!! silly nya nya!!!!!

[smytherines]

I feel like this is fundamentally true to their characters, but also...

I think early on in Curt's career, having spent so much time listening to his mother drill into him that she wants him to get married and have babies, I think Curt kinda tricks himself into thinking that he wants that too. Because its what he is supposed to want. Its definitely what post-war "baby boom" US domestic propaganda is telling him he should want- and as much as I love him that guy is incredibly susceptible to that shit.

I think for a little while he holds this fantasy in his head that he can be a spy (and fuck men) and then come home to a wife he doesn't love and his kids, be a father for a day or two, and take off again. He thinks he can have it all.

Meanwhile, to me Owen is an autistic loner whose family is either dead or he doesn't speak to them. He's happy and comfortable being alone. He prefers being alone. He doesn't think about getting married and having a family because his focus is 100% on the job. He wouldn't know what to do with a family if he had one. If he had never met Curt he would've been happy being alone forever.

When they get together they start having these little pillow talk conversations about running off together and having a cozy domestic life. It starts off as a joke for both of them, just them being silly, a way to imagine getting to actually stay in each other's lives beyond the little bit of time they get on missions. But gradually it gets more and more serious.

Owen starts to realize that for the first time in his life he *does* want that safe, cozy domestic life, and he wants it with Curt. But every time they talk through these fun little scenarios, Curt realizes more and more that this sounds like hell on earth to him. That he wants Owen and loves Owen, but he needs the adrenaline and action and adventure. He can't live without it.

I think Owen has doubts early on about spying, and especially doubts about the whole patriotic Queen and Country institution he serves, meanwhile the longer Curt is on the job the more he buys into the propaganda. It's easier to justify being a brutal little mercenary when you tell yourself you are a soldier for a noble cause instead. If you're ~serving your country~ then really it would be selfish to quit, wouldn't it?

But of course, by the time they realize this fundamental incompatibility, they're already deeply in love/codependent/obsessed with each other. Owen isn't going to leave Curt, he can't, so he lies to himself and tells himself that if he can make sure Curt doesn't get himself killed, if he uses his controlling nature to make sure missions go smoothly, then eventually Curt will want to settle down and retire with him. He's already got plans.

And Curt tells himself that Owen just *thinks* he wants that cozy domestic life, but really he wouldn't be happy with it. So Curt feels like he is doing them both a favor by keeping them in the spy game.

But yes, everything you said.

Owen "I want a safe domestic life with you" Carvour VS Curt "I want our life to be an action comedy romance" Mega

[sastrology]

juno in synastry: all the little reasons i love you (part 1/2)

juno, despite being an asteroid, can still be felt within our relationships in a tight orb. this post will be specifically for trines and sextiles within a (0-3) degree orb, conjunctions within a (0-5) orb (square and oppositions will be in a later post!) the aspects will be more potent than the house placements

juno trine/sextile/conjunct sun, juno in the 5th house:

a warmth between the two is indicated. the sun person could easily and naturally represent the ideal person for juno. juno can see the sun person for who they are with ease, whether that be good or bad. the sun person can be seen as “marriage” material to juno, and they will be very loyal to them. especially if other aspects favor towards romance. strong sun-juno aspects, especially if exact, can point to an almost insatiable mutual attraction. sun will be the type of person that juno needs, even if they are not typically who they attract (look to mars/venus.) this aspect can point to marriage if both parties are emotionally mature enough to handle it. with the conjunction sun may feel like they have to be with the juno person, the juno person could be the “one” in their eyes. the type of people who could suddenly elope. juno will be the warmth the sun never wants to stop burning up.

in the 5th house we can see an attraction strongly based on enjoying the others company(similar to juno-jupiter aspects) the house person can feel as though they have a lot of fun with juno, and enjoy activities with them immensely(the sign will point to what type of activities they enjoy together. in leo we see couples who may enjoy theaters, in aries it may take on a more physical plane such as hiking or sports) or perhaps they meet in a 5th house way. the house person will feel more creative and inspired around juno, and juno could easily become their muse.

juno trine/sextile/conjunct venus, juno in the 7th house:

with this, we can see a love at first sight interaction. particularly with the conjunction. (love at first sight will be experienced by either juno/venus person, or both) juno is likely to be engulfed by venus’ presence. juno will find the venus person obnoxiously beautiful, and could find it hard to focus on much else. juno will want monogamy from venus, which could go either way depending. venus will very much be visually the type of person juno pictures themselves with. this aspect usually starts off superficially and develops into something much deeper (look to synastry and composite) venus will enjoy the appreciation from juno, and will find them unforgettable. they’re likely to be drawn to each other from the start. venus will feel more attractive and desirable around juno. both parties are likely to be extremely physically attracted to each other. this aspect definitely gives me jack and rose from titanic vibes

in the 7th house, this can be a strong marriage indicator. the 7th house rules partnerships, and with juno falling there we have the perfect recipe for a long term relationship. juno will be fiercely loyal to the 7th house person, and will be reluctant to want to end things even if they go south. (reminder that juno stayed with jupiter despite how many times he was unfaithful)

juno trine/sextile/conjunct mars, juno in the 1st house:

juno and mars create a firestorm together. the two will be on 🔥 in interactions. it is likely to happen fast, explosively. the type to just be talking casually and be rolling on the floor together the next. while you two are more likely to get hot under the collar with each other (similar to moon-mars) it can feel urgent. mars could even become competitive for juno if they have other suitors. the easy aspects are more able to evade the stressful arguments that the square/opposition/conjunction have to deal with. with the conjunction, it heightens the speed in which you two get involved, the intensity of emotions, and likelihood to quarrel. without other aspects supporting it, the two will burn out just as fast as they started.

in the first house, juno may be crucial in the development of the house persons identity. the house person may feel truly whole around the juno person. the first house can also point to early childhood, perhaps juno meets the house person at a young age and guides them to who they are. or maybe the two fell in love at a young age. (think forrest gump)

juno trine/sextile/conjunct neptune, juno in the 12th house:

juno can feel like they are caught in a fairy tale. very “too good to be true” vibes. juno will look past neptune’s flaws, seeing them for their ideal version, even if that isn’t who neptune truly is. juno may tirelessly forgive and twist things to fit their narrative of who they want neptune to be. neptune may even be confused with exactly how they feel. the type that can feel each other in the room without having to see them first. with the conjunction, it feels more fated and unconditional, at its best it’s the fairytale you never want to get to the last chapter of.

juno in the 12th house can still feel fated, but how it plays out depends on the rest of the chart. the house person may develop personalities quirks around the juno person they hadnt experienced before. the house person will want to “live up” to juno’s ideals and wants. the house person may not be aware of their true feelings, and subconsciously suppress them. the 12th can point to hidden enemies, even with juno here. this could be a couple who gets married and over time the illusion fades, and both feel deceived by who they thought the other was. or maybe the house person meets juno when they are ill/vice versa, and they’re unsure of what the future holds.

juno trine/sextile/conjunct moon, juno in the 4th

the juno person will be extremely emotionally attracted to the moon person. on an emotional level, they’re the ideal mate, especially if juno is a male. juno will feel accepted here, safe, and nurtured. this can be an addictive feeling if the juno person has an afflicted 4th house natally. the moon person will be able to express their emotions in a way they may not be accustomed to. the two are likely to absorb each other’s emotions, and feel very empathetic to the others misfortunes. with the conjunction the two can feel incredibly emotionally attached. if things go sour it can be hard to let go and let someone in emotionally again. (think moon in the 8th synastry) codependency can be a problem as well as jealousy, a true ride or die couple.

in the 4th house, a stronger emphasis on building a family together, or in platonic synastry you may actually be family members. juno will want to build a home and life with the house person. the two may move in together quickly. most likely to meet at the house persons home, think family get togethers where your parents invite their friends over, or neighbors. could be the “girl next door” type of love.

disclaimer: based on my notes, and observations over a few years. depending on the specific synastry chart, aspects may be shadowed or hindered. every relationship is unique to you, and these aspects will not make or break any relationship.

[bonesandthebees]

Okay longer review for glass ch18 time :DD man what an amazing chapter. Got duped waking up thinking im gonna get crimeboys, and then i got both crimeboys AND sandduo

Im gonna skim reread it as i review

hES USING WILBUR?!?#$ HELP BROO ITS SO SMOOTH AT THIS POINT

There was like one chapter where i caught it and i felt so proud of myself, but after that i just get so invested that i dont even notice until someone points it out lmaooo

I think I did notice when it switched to Pythia, at least subconsciously bc I paused at it and scrolled up a bit to see if it'd always been Pythia but ig I didnt scroll up enough lmaoooo

Ohkygod he switches to Pythia the minute Phil enters the room ohkgyfo u cant be playing around with the narrative like this bee, u are way too smart wtf... I'm still in awe with how flawlessly you play around with the change of name. It's always intentional, and yet it feels so natural when you read it. It doesn't feel like a conscious decision from Wilbur at all, ughh it's so good!!!!

Goddddd I love codependent crimeboys so much bro ohmgydo and u always write it Perfectly ty amen

I think ive said this before but ur just so good at characterization man like helloooo

Each fic!crimeboys are so unique to each other, but you could remove their names and I'd still know they were crimeboys. They still feel like them and ahhh i love them so much

Also bro i totally called Phil waiting for them 😭 it made me so tense LMAOOO

Wilbur fr was like "We're quiet we r chilling!!" Like no sir. No u are not

Its the fact that Phil knew the answer to all his questions, he knew Tommy left him alone aaaaaaaaaaa

I cant do this man theyre all so wheofidbekdhdlkflfek

The fact that neither of them told Phil about the sketchy guy who saw Wilbur is making me so scared tho like noooo guyssss ur already in trouble, just be safe about it and tell the truth noooooo 😭😭😭

Phil is such a dad in this scene ohmygod

Also im laughing, their punishment is they cant talk to each other 😭😭

“Then just close your eyes,” Phil said, almost in the exact same way Tommy had.

Like father, like son [bawls]

Although the Pythia was desperate to know why Phil had paused for so long after seeing his face, he simply nodded, and tried not to flinch when Phil’s free hand grabbed his chin to hold his head still.

Not my dumbass's first thought being "HES HIS SECRET LONG LOST SON" LMFAO FHFJFK

Then i was like "okay no its definitely bc of his age"

Brooo i just want the moment where they see each other without him closing his eyes rahhhhhhhhhssss

Also

I realize i said i was gonna skim reread this chap, but nope im just rereading it properly lmfao 😭😭😭 slow and steady pfff

Its so goood

Now I'll have 2 chapters from glass on speeddial for sure

God every moment of sandduo in this fic is just a parallel of their relationships with their gods im soooo 😭😭😭

When i first started this fic i was so certain that the majority of all Clara's things were just misinterpretations from her followers that got passed down century to century but now atp idek. Im skipping ahead and I'll probs talk more about it at the end of the chapter but like Kristin literally touched Wilbur- Clara's never gotten that close to him. Though maybe it's bc she's not as strongly connected? On both ends... Im rambling here as I theorize so I might not phrase this correctly but, like. My first thought was Phil said blood helped her connect better to the living world, so maybe that's why she can be physically here and not Clara, but I also thought about how maybe it does affect the relationship whether it's mutual or not, right? Cause Phil chose to be with her, there's trust on both ends. Wilbur got thrown into it, and maybe that affects the magic of the connection or smth. Or Clara's a bitch lmaoooo. I always appreciate seeing the god of life being the antagonist. I feel like it's not gonna be black and white though, things are not often with you hahahaha.

God that was a large paragraph whoops. I am certain though, that at least a large portion of the traditions they have (cough not being able to see the face cough) (just being treated as not a person lol), are things both misinterpreted or just plain ol made up to be able to better control the Pythia. Because, who wouldn't want to be able to fully control someone who can see the future? Idk how they'll ever find that out for sure but damn yeah, it's sad. Look at what you've done Bee, you've traumatized a perfectly good boy

Lmaoooo

Is there a limit to how long these things can get?? Spruce how do u separate them into diff parts, do u go by vibes or is there a limit LMFAOOO

Anyways

God. The way Phil knows what Wilburs thinking 😭😭😭 im gonna cryyyy theyre sooo ahdjfkfld

The way you describe all the tiny details, god, your writing feels so real. It feels like it breathes. I feel so immersed in it. I can not only see everything happening around me, I can feel it, as if I were there. I dunno, I just really appreciate all the tiny details you mention, and how you take care to remind us that his eyes are closed by describing the sounds around him, and how you mention him feeling odd when he winces bc of his face being numbed, like ik theyre not a big deal, but those details mean so much to me. They make everything feel so much more alive.

And the way you describe people's thoughts, they're so realistic rahhhhhhss. Your characters always feel truly human

I love your writing so much aaahhh

The cheer i let out when i saw the mate at their 2nd meeting when i read this chap for the first time LMFAOOO

It was at that moment vey knew they were getting a truck load of sandduo--

I had also already forgotten that Phil had told Wilbur he was gonna show him smth lmfaooo

I am starting to get tired fr (it's been almost an hour Oops) so i think i will pull a spruce and split this into two parts and continue after some breakfast or smth LMAOO (pst gang ftw ��)

Dudududus away into the sunset

I was definitely debating whether or not to start the chapter with him using wilbur, but it just felt right so I went with it and I'm very happy with the tone it gave because it provided such a good tone shift when phil showed up and wilbur switched back to using 'the pythia'. it's such a fun narrative tool to use, though it's definitely a bit exhausting to remember every time i refer to wilbur in narration i'm making a choice with how i refer to him. fun, but a lot to keep in my head

ty I'm so glad my crimeboys feel that distinctive <3

lmao phil was so pissed when they got back. he figured a lot out on his own but wanted to hear it from tommy himself. they really should've told phil about the guy wilbur bumped into tho rip :/

yeah no phil is not wilbur's long lost father or anything. I only think those kinds of twists work in very specific stories, otherwise it just feels like a cheap way to be like "look now these two have a biological reason to care about each other!" and really gives off the vibes of found family being less important than blood family

the thing is regarding wilbur's relationship to clara is that when contrasted with phil's relationship to kristin, i want it to be obvious that it's a two-way relationship. you have to put in what you wanna get out.

LMAO spruce pls share with the class how you split up your asks

ldksjfkl aaa that's so sweet. I love including tiny details like those because I try to make my stories as easy to visualize as possible. I know that when I read something, I want to be able to see the scene perfectly in my head, so I try to emphasize the facial expressions and body language and the setting they're in and all that to really immerse the reader in it

tysm i'm so glad you enjoyed!

[veliseraptor]

Top 5 fictional siblings!

oh boy oh man. I feel like I've probably answered this one previously but I don't feel like going digging for it right now so you get to read me talking about at least some of the same relationships again

1. Yunmeng Siblings. God! What a mess! Truly a deeply codependent trio with intertwining and sometimes clashing issues and communication problems! I love them. Like...god, no joke, I'm pretty sure it was the Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian relationship specifically that actively hooked me emotionally and that kinda continued to be true (and is definitely true now as one of my major points of emotional connection), but then Jiang Yanli in there and the dynamic with her added? The role she plays in mediating, her self-effacing-ness, the way she is, I think, trying to make herself small in part to offset the drama swirling around the other two and also just generally to avoid conflict? The "older sister taking on vaguely parental role" vibes? I just...love them. And all their fucked up mess.

2. Shi Wudu & Shi QIngxuan. I feel like I was less attached to this as a dynamic on my first read and got more into it on reread because again - say it with me - it's a mess. Shi Wudu's overprotective, somewhat controlling relationship to Shi Qingxuan born clearly out early fear and anxiety about her doomed status but now manifesting in disapproval and judgment, and the tension between Shi Qingxuan's freewheeling, carefree nature and her desire to please her brother...and maybe most of all the way that the fact that they love each other too much ultimately condemns both of them. Shi Wudu refuses to make a decision that will hurt Shi Qingxuan. Shi Qingxuan again and again refuses to turn away from her brother even after she knows what he's done. I'm suffering about it.

3. Felix & Mildmay. Remember when I was 13 and read Melusine and possibly was a little young for it but latched onto it so hard and got really, really invested in the relationship between Felix and Mildmay in all its fucked up codependent messy glory? Yeah, that was a thing and it hasn't changed. Beautiful disasters. and like...I feel like in some ways Mildmay's love and devotion to Felix goes without saying (it's not always good for him!) but I was just looking back through my blog and found the part where Felix answers someone judging his relationship with Mildmay at the end of the first book by saying that he is "down in the gutter. With him." and boy!!! for a character who so ruthlessly distances himself from his gutter history in every possible way...that's a lot.

4. Richard & Lymond. Feel like this whole post could be titled "what a mess! they love each other very much but what a mess! and that's definitely also true here. Like from The Game of Kings classic "I will bring him to you on his knees, weeping, and begging to be killed" through...everything in Checkmate tbh...augh. It's almost always Lymond making things harder, also, but Richard just...can never quite walk away from him.

5. As usual I waffled on my fifth but I ended up going with the Sons of Feanor as a whole. A little bit of a different dysfunction because I think their dysfunction is less with each other (though increasingly the 'us against the world' thing probably...isn't super healthy) but more with. the extended family and also the world. But boy do I love a borderline pathologically loyal group of siblings dedicated to a hopeless cause that they kinda know is hopeless but it's happening anyway! and they all die miserably except one who lives miserably! That is, as the kids say, the good shit.

Honorable mention does have to go to Thor and Loki, who do own the tag "tragic siblings" on this blog.

[ifievertoldyou]

on tHaW!tntduo and the ruler archetype

the ruler/matriarch

^

passive shadow aggressive shadow child-devouring hag ice queen

the ruler (or matriarchal) archetype, at its purest form, is seen as a healthy mom* who is emotionally available to her kid, but also gives them enough room to grow into their own person, and not just an extension of herself. if the mother doesn't give them enough space, she becomes the shadow archetype of the child-devouring hag. and if she gives them too much space, she falls into the shadow archetype of the ice queen.

*while this archetype is a feminine archetype, and i use feminine terms here, just like with any other archetype, it can be for anyone regardless of their gender.

the matriarchal archetype isn't always a parental figure, but this is a very easily observable example, and both thaw!soot and thaw!quackity do demonstrate this, with thaw!tommy for the former (since soot basically raised him too) and thaw!slime for the latter. though, of course, i will go into more detail on the other avenues that this archetype is seen in too.

.

.

.

.

the child-devouring hag - soot

the hag archetype is the pinnacle of smothering and codependency. people with this archetype tend to constantly search for the high of something to help them through life, whether through actual substances or through people. hags are terrified of being alone with themselves. they also tend to exert a scary amount of control over their kid, and drain the kid so that they can get the kid's 'youth.' this can sometimes be the more physical youth, like what we see mother gothel from tangled do, but it can also be that of their mental youth, like the hag preventing their children from learning important things for themselves because of their overprotective and obsessive nature.

hags are the classic example of the helicopter parent trope. the parent constantly hovers around their kid, causing the kid to not experience valuable learning moments for themselves because of the parent's need to protect, also alienating them from their peers and causing the kid to grow resentful of the parent for not treating the kid like their own person. a lot of the time, by the end of the story, the hag is faced with retaliation from the child, either by the child finally telling them how they feel, getting cut off, to straight up being offed by them. though there can be darker endings where the child stays with the hag too.

and we can see all of these traits of the hag in thaw!soot. whether it's the unhealthy attachment he has to tommy and how he basically holds onto him like he's his sole lifeline (which is definitely the most prominent example we see in literally any version of wesker's wilbur), but we can also think of the obsession that he has with quackity and las nevadas, or even the actual substances that he uses. but whatever it is, revy uses things to help himself get through life and escape his thoughts, although this is never that healthy for anybody involved.

and we've already seen how scarily possessive he gets over theseus, how even when thes asks to just go on a little walk, wilbur invites himself along with him, forcing himself into every aspect of his life, and not letting him do anything on his own. soot doesn't treat thes as his own person, but as something of his, and this, i think, best exemplifies how he fits into the hag archetype.

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the ice queen - quackity

the ice queen is someone who tries so hard to protect themselves from getting hurt that they create an environment of hostility, often inadvertently to some extent. they're numbed by their intense emotions and push people away so as to not risk getting hurt again. ice queens are overly fluent in human nature, and become a blizzard of bitterness because of their distrust of mankind. while the hag is overly smothering with the ones they care about, the ice queen is the exact opposite. ice queens push people away so they don't get the chance to see their vulnerabilities, instead of unhealthily clinging onto those people to help feel better about their vulnerabilities, like what the hag does.

thaw!quackity is literally all of this to a T. he puts on all of these different masks for people, but none of them Ever show him vulnerable. he keeps his true feelings away from others as best as he can, causing him to be both renowned and feared in las nevadas. and the few people who do make it to his heart he would fight the entire world for. because he does care so much, but he's just so scared of showing that to people that he doesn't absolutely trust (and even during the softer moments he has with his trusted people, quackity's currently always the one doing the comforting, he doesn't let his guard down long enough to warrant getting comforted himself. because he's scared of being seen as "weak' by anyone.)

but see, quackity doesn't want everyone to be so scared of him, he still wants to be treated like a person. but he doesn't know the intentions of all these people, so he instead defaults to putting on the mask of someone who people would be far too scared of to even think about crossing. he acts all scary and untouchable, and and pushes people away from seeing the more human parts of him, because humans are weaker than ram hybrids , and he doesn't want to feel weaker ever again.

so he ices his heart from both himself and the world, making him seem emotionally constipated at best, and hostile at worst. (this is an entire other tangent entirely, but note that wendigos are also often depicted as having hearts of ice.) and while his heart does thaw (lol) a bit when he's with his cared ones, he still doesn't open up about himself all that much. his blizzard of bitterness stops for his cared ones, but the coldness doesn't entirely, because that's what he's comfortable with. which, it makes sense why all the people he cares about can see the good in him. this means that they have the capacity to stay warm, even in his instinctual coldness, so they aren't uncomfortable with it and still treat him like an actual person. which, that means a lot to quackity. he hasn't been treated like a person in so long, he's so often just been seen as either a pathetic doll or a ruthless monster. so q, tommy and slime all not seeing him as either of those, but as an actually trustworthy person 1000% contributes to him deciding to not be as harsh with them as he is with others. yes, there are other factors too, but this is a common thread i've noticed with all of them.

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i think the fact that thaw!tntduo are really just two sides of the same unhealthy coin only adds to how distinctly they build off of each other in their dynamic, and it also explains how easily the conflicts can arise between them. because they're literally the two different extremes of the same exact archetype. they have so much in common. and yet, are so incredibly different at the same time. it's all just so interesting to me.

okok i'm done now, thank you so much for reading ^_^ <3 /p

[lunalilith19]

Scott Moir: astro bits

He has Mercury square Uranus, and the more I learn about this, the more ways it seems to describe him-

Mercury is how you think and communicate, Uranus is change, freedom, individuality-- when you have these squared, you're smart and quirky and need space to be your unique self. you might be impatient because the pace of your mind is really fast. it might be hard to sit still, or you might get bored or frustrated waiting on slower people or doing things you're not into. So probably sitting still in school wasn't the easiest, or maybe days of meetings at a coaching conference, either.

This aspect on its own makes you not attach to people, and you don't need them to get attached to you, so it allows you to have lots of different kinds of connections to all kinds of people. In his case, he has other places in his chart that are warm and about connection, as well as codependency and insecurity, but when he's in a good place, he's able to move lightly and easily in the moment among a lot of people.

The way he's been known to blurt things unintentionally, or to run at the mouth in ways that may not be fact - that can be connected to this. Because your thoughts are moving so fast, your mouth can spill things that haven't been considered-- where afterwards you might (or might not) realize it technically wasn't true. for most people I know who have this aspect, it's more that things come out in a way they didn't mean than it is about not being truthful, but it can also make you gloss things over and misdirect rather than be too revealing or vulnerable. There can be a tendency to just move along to the next thing rather than reflect, unless you have other more thoughtful or grounded elements in your chart.

On another note, he has a Sun-Mars conjunction in his chart - this is high energy, physically courageous, assertive, independent. Plus emphasizes the ego. But I didn't know this relates to dance - I guess it makes sense that Sun (self expression) conjunct Mars (physical action) could be dancing. Definitely can also be things like fighting or combat, but in his case, his Sun and Mars are trine Neptune, which softens this and brings in a sensitive, artistic and creative component-- so yeah, he wants to move, and it expresses very naturally through dance. It's so natural that he might have taken it for granted til he's not doing it any more on a regular basis. Choreo might be the organic extension of this for him, but chances are he misses dancing.

[tojikai]

my asks has so many typos :((( i’m glad you understood what i was trying to say and thank you for understanding where i was coming from and answering every part of my ask 🥹

i love how pm is very fair if that makes sense like yes its really angsty but it’s realistic to me (i’ve said this on one occasion and i’m pretty sure someone else did too but i wanted to expand on what i meant) i feel like every time heavy angst is written people always make it a super sad ending or doesn’t balance the angst and fluff enough so then you’re just numb reading it if that makes sense but i never really send a lot of asks in general but i really felt like bc of they way you wrote everything so that it was vivid and not as redundant with angst overpowering everything to the point to where its boring. i read a lot of fanfiction but the way you fleshed out the characters was execellent.

i personally don’t think y/n should have a baby with anyone (not even suguru and pm!suguru is one fine ass man but you knew that lol) my opinion comes from the codependency tendencies she has. sometimes people can hyperfixate on the baby being their only source of salvation or healing when its also connected to someone they were deeply attatched to and that can cause the baby to get inadvertently roped in to the drama.

also unrelated to the fanfic bc this is about you lol. i like how rational you are when responding and that you don’t really act extra aggressive towards anything in your inbox and are able to just be calm and get your thoughts out in a polite way! you’re so wholesome with your interactions and it’s just so cute! its very encouraging to have an author who actively makes everyone feel heard.

i am respectfully asking to give you a hug and forehead kiss tysm kai 🥺

- paragraph anon

oooh, we have the same opinion about those type of angsts !! sometimes they just go on with no breaks, like the mc is the unluckiest and most unloved person on the planet KSDJSDLKS and tbh, it starts to feel too orchestrated. i mean, it's angst so it's supposed to hurt, but keeping on piling it up starts to feel like just a set up at some point , like it's not a natural flow of real life events anymore. i like to put something in between, even just a short bit. im glad you appreciate it, thank u so much 🥺💕 and yeahh, i definitely get your point. it'd be really sad bc it's just an innocent child. it's helpless and getting it involved in something as messed up as what yn and satoru have can be damaging :(( it's still unknown what they'll do with it but they definitely have tons of things to fix first !!

thank you so much, really. im glad you appreciate it. i don't really like talking harshly to people even if they're being mean bc i have no idea what they might be going through or what they might be feeling :(( i want to understand everyone as much as i could. you guys support me and my fics so much, answering your asks is the only way i could thank you so i'd like to do my best to get back to every ask possible !! it's really cute and sweet of you to notice that haha, im grateful <33 AAAAA LET ME ACCEPT THAT HUG AND FOREHEAD KISSSS !!