#like some casting is so baffling it has to be the only explanation

[akajustmerry]

I love Jessie Eisenberg saying he cast Kieran Culkin without having seen anything he'd done just because he'd heard good things and liked him. How many other directors are just out here making movies as an elaborate scheme to make some friends !

[cellarspider]

5/30 The pseudohistory of Prometheus

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We return to a movie I wish to send on a journey down the Kola Superdeep Borehole, Prometheus.

And my insanity truly begins in this segment. We are only 1/10th of the way through the movie so far. Content warnings for discussion of racism in pseudoscience and historical anthropology, Spider getting hung up on logistics and space nerd stuff, and pictures of Yuri Knorozov, the most sour-faced man to ever live.

The cast sits down for a briefing. This is a scene with an easily identifiable narrative function: providing exposition to the theater audience. The act of doing a briefing makes sense. It is the last thing here that will.

We are introduced to a hologram of Peter Weyland, the financier of the expedition. The name means all sorts of Lore to the series, but what’s intensely distracting is that we seem to have caught Weyland halfway through applying his zombie makeup.

Weyland is played by Guy Pierce. As of the filming of this movie, he was somewhere around 45 years old. Yes, they smothered this Australian in old man drag so that he could play this character. This is a baffling decision, that only gets slightly less baffling if you know the production history of the movie, which I did not at the time.

Guy Pierce was hired to play a younger Peter Weyland. There’s a promo video out there of him giving a fictional TED Talk in the not-to-distant future of next Sunday AD 2023, there were various plans for him to appear in the movie proper. None of those scenes are actually in the movie. They refused to double-cast the role for some reason. While the practical effects in the movie are generally excellent and it does make the tiniest smidge of sense that a hypercapitalist asshole would be portrayed as a literal rubber-faced movie monster, this, like many things in Prometheus, made the movie a very weird sit. One where I was increasingly less open to going along with the movie’s fiction. You are telling me that this is an actual human man. I am not buying it. He looks far less human than David, the only non-human there.

Speaking of David, Weyland calls him “the closest thing to a son I will ever have”, and then immediately says David is an inhuman lesser being, who does not appreciate the specialness of his existence because he does not have a soul.

Which is funny, because I think you can see David’s soul leaving his body at this exact moment.

Weyland then tries to mash in some existential weight to the movie: they might finally get an answer for “why are we here?” and all that jazz! He also tries to explain why naming a ship Prometheus is totally not like calling it Titanic II: Don’t think about the part of the myth where Prometheus is chained to a rock and has his ever-regenerating liver eaten by an eagle every day! Think about the bit where he brought fire to mankind! We’re gonna bring back that bit!

And then the archaeologists take over the briefing, and this, THIS, is the bit where they entirely lost me. My suspension of disbelief had already been strained by multiple oddities up to this point. My skepticism about these characters in particular was already a bit elevated by their implied invocation of the ancient astronauts concept.

Turns out, only Vickers, Shaw, and Holloway know why they’re here. 

Two years away from Earth. On a massively expensive expedition that intends to make first contact with an alien culture, the first alien culture that humankind has ever found evidence of. Nobody has been briefed up until this point.

This is lunacy.

Explanations have been figured out by fans since then: this is a passion project by Weyland, an annoyance to the rest of the corporate structure that nobody else believes in. The movie eventually intimates this, through Vickers. 

Fans have thus speculated that Weyland was just quarantined off to do his little alien hunt, with no logistical support that would make it actually functional. He believed a crazy theory put forward by Shaw and Holloway, and everyone else wasn’t actually best-of-the-best, they were just whoever would take a big paycheck to do fuck-all for nearly five years of sleeping their way to and from their destination.

I am willing to consider that this was intentional. The movie possibly tries to confirm this with Mr. “I’m here for the money” Fifield, but none of the other characters have enough characterization to determine if this is the general trend.

How could we make a story that more clearly spells this out? Maybe Millburn the biologist could encounter more of the crew talking about the payout from taking the job, or reveal that he himself has some project he needs money for. It would also chip away at the dearth of character-building dialog for most of the cast.

As a result of those deficiencies in characterization, a lot of my discussion of plot points is going to be focused around what they do, rather than why. …Except when it is about the why, at which point the main commentary will be “WHY.”

In any case: while it makes sense, I'm still not certain the film meant for this character motivation. Prometheus is just so loudly explicit with so many of its plot points that it doesn’t seem like this is the case. The movie certainly believes in the sincerity and correctness of the archaeologists, though.

Unfortunately, it also immediately tells me that they’re a couple of wingnuts. I’m not sure if it intends to, for reasons I’ll get into after I foam at the mouth for a little while.

They present a series of artifacts to the crew: Egyptian, Mayan, Akkadian, Sumerian, Hittite, Hawaiian, and their Scottish cave painting. All of them feature “men worshiping giant beings”, who are pointing to what stargazer nerds call an asterism: a pattern of stars. Shaw and Holloway believe that these are aliens that engineered humans into their current state. Shaw literally says “it’s what I choose to believe” as the entirety of their justification for this.

Again: I knew the movie wanted me to take this as truth, within its universe. That’s the implicit deal the movie has made with the audience, this is truth. You are supposed to be contemplating the "whys" of it all. But the movie had also smacked me in the brain so many times in the past five minutes, that I, like Millburn the Biologist, was ready to call bullshit.

I appreciate him for doing so, and it shows he could have been a smart character, but sadly, he is in Prometheus.

Because he is a fictional biologist and I am an actual biologist, I will expand on his argument, as I descend into ranting for the rest of the post.

Millburn objects on the basis of evolutionary history, which the movie only partially succeeds in papering over: the implication is that evolution on Earth was directed with the deterministic outcome of creating something like humans.

This opens up a whole new can of worms that the movie doesn’t get into–when exactly did this engineering start? When great apes evolved? When mammals did? Tetrapods? Skeletons? DNA itself? After all, we know the aliens, now dubbed Engineers by the archaeologists, have DNA. Did they seed all life on Earth? How did they evolve? Our last universal common ancestor is believed to have already been using DNA 3-4 billion years ago, evolving out of a likely RNA-based genetic standard. Hominins diverged from other apes around 15-25 million years ago. What sort of culture would undertake a project that required at least 15 million years on the extreme low end?

All excellent questions! The movie is not concerned with them. I am, and that is part of why this movie still lives in a special, awful place in my head.

This isn’t actually what made me become actively hostile toward the archaeologists, though. What managed that, well! It was their archaeology. Anybody who had an Ancient Egypt Phase in their childhood should be able to articulate multiple reasons why the academic community would’ve laughed these guys out of the building.

Bigness in ancient egyptian art does not indicate literal size. It indicates importance. In fact, the artifacts the movie uses exclusively come from artistic traditions which feature hierarchical or non-literal scale. Do the Engineers turn out to actually be eight feet tall? Yes! Am I still annoyed by this? ABSOLUTELY.

You know what else is a big problem? Many of the cultures they reference here had written language! A LOT of written language! They include Egyptian, Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mayan art in their evidence, all of which not only wrote a LOT of things down, but had a habit of annotating a lot of their art with labels to tell you what was going on! You can actually see some on the props they used in this scene!

Beyond that, they had very prescribed formal styles, where you can follow the action entirely through gestures, held objects, attendant symbols, and clothing! If all these cultures, as implied, had actual, direct contact with aliens, recorded in the art presented here, we would know what they were told.

Skipping ahead of the movie for a minute: the Engineers were apparently not telling humans “we’re here in these stars, come find us”, they were telling humans “settle the fuck down or this is where the hurt’s going to come from”. 

Here's the thing. Ancient peoples weren't stupid. They wouldn't just not talk about this. If giant aliens came down from the sky and gave them a stern talking-to that contradicted their religion, that would be a big deal. And these characters specifically say the Engineers are being "worshiped" in these images! They're apparently taking onboard what's being said!

It is certainly possible for information to be lost. Over long time scales, that's unfortunately the rule, rather than the exception. But again: half the artifacts have writing on them!

I chose to believe that Shaw and Holloway simply did not attempt to read any available translations of attendant texts, and they were thus cursed for their foolishness by the ghosts of Mayan Studies pioneer Yuri Knorozov and Egyptologist Jean-François Champollion, and the still-extant spirit of Assyriologist Irving Finkel.

Knorozov knows your sins against Mayan Studies. Knorozov is a vengeful god. Chapollion and Finkel are likewise very cross.

Two last things stood out to me in the theater. One of them was extremely petty but tied into some very serious issues with pseudoscience, and the other one was not.

Pettiness first: the asterism shown in the artifacts is a pattern of six stars. The movie wants you to believe that it is very spooky that the only asterism that precisely matches this pattern are six stars that are too faint to see with the naked eye. This is laughable, both because the asterism is so generic-looking that I can think of several very visible asterisms that are good matches for the pattern, but it also recapitulates a bunch of really fucking annoying stuff from pseudoscientific bullshit. 

First: Pseudoscience and pseudohistory likes to make a big deal out of the fact that every culture has stories about the stars. Why? 

The sky is very important to every culture’s mythology, because every culture can see the sky. Like, that’s literally it. People can see the sky. They tell stories about it. There’s not much to do at night except look at the sky, when even keeping a fire lit can be an expensive prospect. It is not even the least bit weird when multiple cultures–all of them in the northern hemisphere in this case!–have stories about the same stars.

Second: Cultures varied in their ability to faithfully reproduce celestial landmarks in art and align their architecture, and were not as exact as modern techniques can manage. Pseudoscience will claim that they are exact, when it fits their pre-existing theory, or fudge the difference if they want something to fit their claims.

(This is a photoshopped image, by the way.)

Were the stone age temples of Malta secretly aligned with a particular star that foretold the doom of Atlantis, precisely tracking its location through the sky over thousands of years of Earth’s axial wobbling? No! They were roughly aligned with the sun. Sunlight is important when you don’t have electric lights. Were the Great Pyramids of Giza laid out ten thousand years ago to match the layout of the stars in Orion’s Belt, according to the designs of a legendary lost race of highly advanced non-African people? Were they tapping into the Earth’s magnetic field to generate energy? No! They were aligned with the cardinal directions, and they got them a bit wrong! 

Hell, if we want to play at that game, I found a decent match for the asterism in Stellarium's Egyptian constellation set. Just flip this 90 degrees clockwise and you'll see I'm totally right. Aliens confirmed.

I know the movie is trying to tell me that all the asterisms in the art are precise matches for each other and are thus impossible to explain without intercultural contact (or aliens!!), but it is also showing me that they are not that precise. So, it’s just showing me stars. At least in some of them. Their little charcoal lad from the Isle of Skye may be throwing fruit at his audience.

In fact, there's a further, probably unintentional link to pseudohistorical claims in the artifacts presented: the Maya artifact shown does not actually depict a "giant figure" being worshiped, in fact, it shows one instantly recognizable, known figure in Classical Maya history: It is an altered version of the ornately carved coffin lid of Kʼinich Janaab Pakal I (24 March 603 - 29 August 683), with the top quarter of the carving replaced with a star pattern that looks nothing like the ones on the other artifacts.

The carving shows Pakal in the pose of an infant, entering into death and being reborn. It is packed full of so many symbolic elements that can be easily recognized by those more familiar with the Classical Maya than I am.

Conspiracy theorist Erich von Däniken thought that it showed Pakal rocketing away on a spaceship. Däniken proposed this because he didn't understand the cultural symbolism, but he had seen pictures of astronauts before.

And on that note, 2,400 words into this rant, we get to the actually bad shit. Unfortunately, it ties into the issue I had with the premise to begin with: the real-world context of pseudoscientific claims of ancient alien contact. Specifically, the racism.

We’re going to unspool this more near the end of the movie, because there was further behind the scenes I was not aware of when I first saw Prometheus, and it just compounds this stuff. 

So, when I went on my first tangent on how unpleasant ancient alien theories are, one thing I highlighted is that the further from Western Civilization you get, the more these theories presuppose that fellow humans are incapable of building great works or imagining interesting things. No, they had to be guided, and explicitly shown things that they copied down to the best of their limited capability.

The only european example of alien contact they show is from the Upper Paleolithic, 37,000 years ago. All the examples around the Mediterranean and Mesopotamia range from 5,500-3,700 years ago. The examples from the Classical Maya and Hawaiʻi are from 620 and 680 CE. 

During this period, Tang Dynasty merchants were creating the first paper money as the famous female emperor Wu Zetian was on her way to the throne. The Prophet Muhammad went to al-Aqsa mosque, and we’re only eight years before the birth of Charlemagne’s grandfather. We’re no longer talking ancient, it’s just old.

I want to emphasize that the movie is presenting these not as depictions of myths that have been passed down–though there are more problems with that I���ll get into shortly–these are implied to be contemporary depictions of events witnessed by the artists, who were quite possibly instructed by the Engineers to record a precise pattern of stars. An equivalency is being drawn between stone age Europe, bronze age Africa and the Middle East, and a couple of startlingly recent Mesoamerican and Polynesian cultures. 

But let’s be generous. Maybe these aren’t supposed to be contemporary accounts in these two outlier cases: the movie’s script will certainly indicate later that they have no idea what they’ve implied here. Perhaps these are story traditions that were handed down from the Olmecs and Melanesian precursors of the first to sail to Hawaiʻi. 

Unfortunately, this just recapitulates a different racist trope: that European and more “developed” civilizations invented so much cool and comfortable material culture and philosophy that they forgot the Mystical Religious Truths of the old ways, which were preserved only in Primitive Lands and among Uneducated Peoples, where they never found anything better to do with their time. Oh, if only we had heeded the warnings from those spiritually attuned non-white people!

(Look, I only remember Devil (2010), which has 50% on Rotten Tomatoes, because M Night Shyamalan wrote and produced it, and this was two years after The Happening came out, so I watched it out of morbid curiosity. It's not as unbelievably bad as The Happening, but as shown in the clip above, the spiritually attuned latino security guard Ramirez attributes toast landing jelly side down to Satan. That is an actual thing that happens in the movie. He is proven right.)

But let's be even more generous: someone probably realized that they'd focused near-exclusively on Middle Eastern cultures, and wanted to throw in a couple from elsewhere. Sitting here, having seen the movie in full, this is the most likely option: their inclusion creates a contradiction with a later scene, and was thus probably not checked for consistency. These cultures were thrown in as a bit of background flavor. I list this last, because in the theater, there was no way to know this at the time.

That answer's still not great. Still leaves us in the same position, where Europeans are pretty much given their own agency, while other cultures need to be led.

Oh, and to anyone else who’s made it this far and knows the production history of Prometheus: don’t worry! I know what Ridley Scott told that one interviewer, about a contact between a less-ancient European power and the Engineers. I’m saving that one. I like to save that one, because strategic deployment of that quote made some of my IRL friends scream.

Next time: the Prometheus descends to an alien world, and I descend further into madness. I am going to drag you all down with me.

(Pictured: Yuri Knorozov, and my present mood.)

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Citations for alt text ramblings:

https://www.almendron.com/artehistoria/arte/culturas/egyptian-art-in-age-of-the-pyramids/catalogue-fourth-dynasty/

[stuckasmain]

Dave’s old life is cast aside and he is reborn (semi-literally) as a star child. It is an ending that has left many baffled, including me, but is ultimately a touching end and beginning.

Dave ends the story an evolved being, yet not so far detached from his human origin. He still has a great deal of emotion and curiosity - he becomes a baby because he simply is one when it comes to understanding the universe. He could go anywhere, do anything and yet he goes to earth. He goes and watches over it like a shiny toy, while his physical ties have been severed he’s still attached to it- almost like a mother, if we stay with the baby metaphor.

Eventually he will move on from it but for now he is a protector of sorts. The guardian of earth. He stops the bomb not for his own sake but because he simply wants humanity to continue on- he stops a potential doomsday!

It’s too bad this is completely uprooted in the following bits of the series. He is “beyond” emotion, he is on Europa. I would be fine if the evolution or planet was focused on even remotely besides the same few paragraphs, he’s transformed and cast aside. All of the prior meaning is rebuked, all of his humanity removed. See it wasn’t the transformation that did it but the story itself— as it decided to pivot and couldn’t just have him watching. He must be a blank slate. He must be elsewhere- he can’t even enjoy watching the other planet or if he does we don’t really hear of it.

Dave becomes more of a plot device than a person, as a star child there’s so many facinating things you could do with him. For one thing a dressing the trauma that came from that and before, and — again either guardian of earth - self chosen- or we actually see his involvement elsewhere. He becomes a just as much of a tool as the monolith.

Not only is his humanity stripped but his agency, in 2010 he describes himself as a dog on a leash a good number of times. While I absolutely adore that metaphor, it’s so tragic and not even acknowledged as such?! (Again so much could be considered cosmic horror and it’s either had waved or blankly accepted) he went from a near omnipotent being to LOSING LARGE CHUNKS OF TIME AND BEING USED AS A PROBE. He’s suddenly beyond humanity when he was so attached before; he becomes apathetic incredibly fast. (Which, as a immortal being is understandable but it’s absolutely unearned and not in character) -> my issue isn’t with him becoming a tool of some higher power it’s that it’s sort of hand waved “it is how it is” and not addressed how messed up and interesting it is.

Now I’ve yet to read 3001 but my point here broadly stands. I fully believe it should’ve ended after 2010, as it comes across as very very clear it was a two book story and 2061 is a whole separate one with some characters tossed into it.

Arcs were over. There was a bit more explanation as to what happened in the first one; we got closure alongside Heywood. Things were set up for the future but it was more in a way for you to view them as fully developed not exactly a sequel. (Like the Hal 10,000 idea). It’s frustrating because Dave as a Starchild can lead to so many interesting things and it was a beautiful idea in 2001 but … after that it mistreats and mischarectetizes Him so fast in a way that frustrates me to no end. Maybe if there was an actual focus or exploration I could understand the direction but making him a cut out god figure is such a sad end.

A child of the stars still clinging to its former life, its humanity…

Oh what could have been. I’d like to imagine Dave would’ve never completely… not been Dave, yes over centuries he may subdue emotions, his interest may waver but what we get is a name and maybe some memory.

—

Clarification:

I fully enjoy 2010, my issues with Dave in that are minimal just that it’s a little sad he swaps guardianship but I can understand. I was excited and interested in Europa… only for that too also get sort of ignored.

There’s also some interesting points to come out of 2061 - how the monolith works, conversing with Hal and he does seem to have a genuine interest in study but it’s also where he’s sort of a name drop and little else

It’s the stripping him of his emotion and character that really gets me - as it’s a route that isn’t earned as Clark absolutely does not write about trauma or if he does it’s a off handed “ok so everyone dying and the monolith was a little scary but now I’m blue and don’t care” it’s even true for human characters idk

I pick and choose what I want to keep from the further books honestly, we’ll see if 3001 fixes this or if this rant grows longer. I’m just sad, Dave’s such a fascinating character and he’s so mistreated?

[cannot-decide-on-a-fandom]

https://www.tumblr.com/cannot-decide-on-a-fandom/754552911759114240/i-dont-think-ive-ever-seen-a-fanbase-talk-so

Your preaching to the choir on this. Especially on twitter where it happens soo much. And it’s so baffling. Like they refuse to accept people can actually learn and grow and do better. And it’s not like he never apologized. He has multiple times. And he’s proven that he’s learned from it and grown from it. And I really don’t think people like Aisha, or Angela would say the positive things they have and continue to say about him if he hadn’t. It was very clear at the time how the cast felt about what happened and in regards to him. And it’s like completely opposite vibes now. And then the way people will say they think he’s so hot and such a good actor and good dad and so brave for talking about his mental health but yet censor his name the entire time is like 💀💀💀💀💀 what are you even doing. You look goofy as hell saying R*yan. Like 💀💀😂

Honestly I try so hard to stay out of saying potentially controversial stuff about real situations (characters are a bit more...I obviously won't tag the character in negative stuff but it's fiction and all) but this has been baffling me and I'm glad some people agree. I just don't understand censoring for this reason most of the time anyway to be honest? Like I heard there was a time when people would censor Oliver's name so he wouldn't see their tweets because he apparently lurked (which is so funny, this is not an Oliver Stark appreciation post but from what I've seen I have to acknowledge that, that man is so funny) and that I get. If you try and censor a name to avoid people finding the post, okay sure.

But censoring problematic or supposedly problematic people's names has somehow morphed and become just an easy out for people who like to talk about someone who has done something wrong in their past (ie-is a human being) without needing to confront what them loving them must mean. Because it's either "I truly think this person is bad but I don't care enough to not talk about them" or acknowledging the fact that it's possible for people to have done fucked up stuff and still be good people after (which seems to be a foreign concept to some people, especially when it comes to celebrities)

If a post is about negative stuff a person did, you can censor it if you want but surely the context would give away you don't support them, and if it's positive stuff, then if you genuinely truly think "this person is a bad person" then buddy you're still fucking saying good stuff about the same person, just because there's an asterix in it doesn't mean you're not.

The only time I really get this type of censoring is if listing a group of people and you wanna make it clear that you're listing them for specificity alone. For example a group photo where one person is shitty, and you're trying to refer to that picture so you list all the people in it, and it's easier to make it clear you think someone in it is a shitty person without needing to write a separate explanation (which I would honestly never expect anyone to...ever have to but it's the internet)

Anyway, this ended up being way longer of a reply than I intended (and I've had a few drinks) but hopefully it made sense. I guess I'll just finish by saying it's bad for people using screen readers too so I sort of think the accessibility of "Hey blind people should be able to be online too" should probably trump "I want everyone to know I'm a good person by hating this guy who did something messed up 5 years ago" (or other instances of similar things)

[quartings]

Finally reading the full XY volumes!

For context, XY is my least favorite Pokespe arc, so I decided to give it a second chance hoping that the extra chapters and better art in the full volumes would help me like it more. But did it?

What I liked:

I will say that the extra “filler” chapters really helped pace out the story much better and warmed me up to the characters! The Pokemon-Amie and Super Training chapters in particular. It felt weird not having an explanation in the originals for Y’s Sylveon, let alone an Eevee. This is why I disagree with people nowadays hating filler content. Done right, it helps with character and worldbuilding in small subconscious ways that can help an audience enjoy a story more!

I do enjoy how bold the arc starts, having Vaniville be decimated by the legendaries in the first chapter!

Reading the XY arc chapter-to-chapter and mini volume to mini volume, it felt like X took much longer to even help his friends. Now reading the arc all at once, he feels much less stubborn and selfish, which is good!

Minor thing- removing Y’s nudity is the only instance of censorship in Pokemon Adventures that I actually appreciate. It doesn’t disrupt the plot or make no sense like censoring Green’s Pokeball booby trap, Emerald’s pee joke, or especially Norman and Mirei’s abuse.

Apparently, a lot of the Gurkinn stuff was added in the full volumes? My memory on it’s a bit foggy but that’s wild to me if true- it just feels so plot-important. No wonder I felt the arc was badly-paced on my first readthrough!

Speaking of which, I love that we get chapters dedicated to non-dexholders again! It feels like we last got stuff like that with Keldeo in BW or the Hoenn Gym Leaders!

A lot of the other things I like about XY have been said by most other people already and apply to Pokespe as a whole. Battles are fun and creative, making great use of Pokemon trivia from their dex entries, the leads are unique and well-written compared to the rest of the franchise, there’s a good mix of dark and light themes, and the returning characters are fun and meaningful cameos!

What I disliked still:

It’s still really hard for me to suspend my disbelief that Team Flare managed to silence or arrest everyone who saw the Xerneas-Yveltal battle or its aftermath, especially in the age of the internet.

The gang learning most of the important plot stuff from Team Flare constantly spilling their plans kind of killed some of the tension for me, to be honest. Also them letting all the grunts go instead of capturing them for info or just to turn them over to the authorities.

Sycamore not realizing Lysandre is evil is stupid in any version of XY’s story, I’m sorry.

Team Flare’s brainwashed victims having the “same personalities” felt a bit lazy still. Brainwashing is one of my least favourite tropes though, so I might be biased there.

I think the manga over-corrected with Shauna, Trevor, and Tierno. Instead of all being overly positive and aimless like in the games, being put in constant danger in the manga means they’re all similar levels of scared and stressed, so their personalities don’t stand out all that much either. Shauna especially just being a similar aggressive and serious type like Y, just with less of a backstory. That one weird sexist quip Shauna had in the Sylveon chapter also rubbed me the wrong way, too.

Minor- I still don’t get why Kusaka aged the main cast down from 17/18 to 12 in this arc. It just makes X and Y look like they got hydraulic pressed proportions-wise, and makes the aforementioned scene with Y feel gross.

Speaking of which, why is Clemont drawn SO short in this arc?! He’s normal-sized in the official art and the anime, so that’s another baffling change to me.

Minor- Malva gets her Pyroar back from Aliana after the Diancie chapter where she already has Pyroar- is there something I’m missing here?

While the pacing has vastly improved compared to the mini volumes, it still feels off in the final two volumes. Suddenly taking an intermission from the Ultimate Weapon to introduce Zygarde practically out of nowhere just feels clunky. Compared to the anime where they had both Zygarde and the Megalith planned months in advance with proper foreshadowing. Or a better comparison would be the RS manga, where both evil teams planned on using Groudon and Kyogre from the start, and that’s what we end the series on.

TLDR: Overall I’ve really warmed up on this arc! I had way less confusion reading through it thanks to the extra chapters, and I’ve grown to understand X a bit more as a protagonist. I still have some problems with the arc, namely how the rivals are handled, and how Team Flare is presented as an omnipresent all-controlling shadow government when their members at all levels constantly spill their secrets. If you have any other thoughts, facts, or even disagreements, I’d love to hear them!

I’d say this reread has put XY above B2W2 and maybe SwSh in my ranking of all the arcs, which is still something! Now we all have to wait and see how ORAS’ full volume release changes its place on the rankings, hehe…

[adeadhorse]

I haven’t gotten a chance to watch the Zoey 102 movie until recently. I walked in with really really low expectations. Some people are definitely trashing it because of the whole controversy with Britney (which is complex and more layer than people would like to believe) and not focusing on the actual film.

It was actually not bad at all. I quite enjoyed it and it was pretty fun compared to most reboots of our childhood shows that I’ve seen. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. A solid 6/10. The only issue is that I felt that it was a bit rushed (causing hurried explanations and a bit lack of chemistry between certain characters) A one season reboot show would have actually worked better in this case to build the story more carefully.

I know that the director recently said in an interview that they are think about a sequel movie. I wouldn’t be mad at it if they give it a better pace and give the other characters more screen time (especially scenes with Michael, Logan and Chase)

I’m not sure if you watched the movie yet or intend to but someone like yourself (who based on your writing really knows the depth of these characters and their world) I would love to hear your opinion of the movie if you ever do.

Hello, I am glad you enjoyed it! I agree with you that people solely bashing the show because of what happened with Britney and Alexa gets tiresome, because the original show had some merit despite those issues, and because you can just decide to not watch the movie instead of constantly talking about it (it's not like anyone is really on JL's side anyway).

I have no intention of watching it but @queenlova101 kindly gave me an extremely thorough rundown. To be blunt, I hated it. The downside of writing these characters for thousands of words is you do get to "know" them, so I think it's possible that I would have hated a reboot no matter how good it was because it was different to my version of them. Part of that is circumstance - anything is possible in a fanfic, compared to real life where you have budgets and availabilities. But I've seen other people say it didn't really feel like the original show, and to me they just made some baffling choices that shows they had no idea what the fans actually wanted or even liked about the original show.

Zoey should not be the main character to that extent (or at all really. Also why is she a producer), you should pander to the Quogan fans more, and most of all, you should have Chase and Michael (and Logan, but especially those two) interact as much as possible instead of not at all. I hate What Did Zoey Say with a passion, and Dan could not write for shit in 2015, but even he got that right. It feels like they told ChatGPT to write a script only going off the character names and every rom-com that got released c. 2008-2012.

I agree with you about the one-season reboot. Before I started actually writing fanfic I semi-planned out a season and a movie because I was more interested in screenwriting at the time. So again, I feel like I have potentially thought more about this show than anyone actually involved in the movie, so being disappointed was somewhat inevitable. I am also, at my core, a hater.

I personally hope they don't do a sequel movie or anything else. Neither attempt at an "adult" continuation has worked, it's just fallen into the trap most other reboots have of not having them change since high school and undermining a lot of what people liked about the show (I don't love PCA but that's! The main! Draw! You just shot yourself in the foot!). Frankly I would just like them to put the S3 cast (minus JL) in a new show with similar vibes and call it a day. That I think would actually be fun, and would make more sense than whatever they are doing now.

[spooky-momth]

I was being kind of silly goofy about it when I reblogged your Lila fridging post but further thinking about it, it made me realize why I hate what the Corruption mod did to Lila so much

I hope you don't mind me ranting about it I just need to get it out of my system dnfskjf

To offer recap/explanation for anyone that has no idea what the fuck I'm talking about: Corruption is a FNF mod by Phantom Fear where Monster starts a zombie apocalypse by corrupting BF and GF and sending them to cause havoc upon the rest of the cast

In the mod's second half, Pico is scrounging for supplies when he stumbles upon Corrupted Skid... eating Lila's corpse. Pico then runs off to go hurl

And oh my god that one scene killed my entire interest in the mod and it took so long for me to actually articulate why: Lila is not used as a character, she is used for shock value. There was absolutely zero point in killing her, especially when the same episode reveals that Spirit and Senpai, who we were lead to believe were dead, are actually alive (albeit heavily mangled by broken code)

It doesn't even really make sense plot wise either? Her body looks freshly dead, but the second half of the mod takes place an unknown amount of time after the entire world fell to the corruption, so Lila's body should either be far more decomposed like the corrupted Tankmen were (assuming she died before or shortly after Week 7), or she should just be corrupted

And it just. It misses the fucking endless potential of Lila. We don't even get to see her reaction to seeing her son corrupted, or Skid attacking her, she's just. Dead. Being Bob Velseb'd by her own son

They could've had corrupted Lila and Skid fighting together against Pico! They could've did cool parallel things with Lila and Skid and Mommy Mearest and Girlfriend! THEY COULD'VE JUST HAD SKID KILL SOMEONE ELSE!

And it also like. Entirely baffles me why Lila is treated like this because GF and MM, both as themselves and while corrupted, are treated respectfully by the narrative and get a lot of time to shine. I just. Augh

Sorry again for the big rant about some random mod I just feel very strongly about this bc I loved corruption mod for a LONG while and I'd likely still be watching it if they didn't do Lila so dirty like that. She deserved SO much better

You can always rant in my inbox unprompted about fandom things SKFKJHFKJH <3 Open invitation !! Never be sorry abt it ok :D

oh my God.

[ID: simple drawing of person sitting at a table with a distressed expression. /end ID]

Okay, so, that's an almost perfect example of the kind of thing I'm talking about; There's no respect for her whatsoever and it's just... so much wasted potential. You've already said everything about it yourself.

For all of the good she's doing as a "character," Skid might as well be mindlessly eating through his prized Pokemon card collection.

As the above link explains, that's definitely a fridging because it only serves to make characters upset briefly and shallowly (I doubt any of the characters will ever address Skid being an orphan when he does get cured, so we won't even get son angst.) and doesn't give characters time to grieve. We don't even know if Pico knows her, he could just be grossed out by general cannibalism.

If I had to guess, this happened because the creator wanted a fucked up death without affecting the main cast directly, and didn't particularly care for Spooky Month's characters outside of Skid and Pump. Lila only existed in proximity to Skid for them, so they didn't have any reservations about putting her on the chopping block because they weren't attached to her or cared about her in any capacity.

Unfortunate for us who actually care about these characters, but not everyone is going to be as into their source materials as we are. Sighs.

[booksinbed]

August Reading Wrap

Assassination Classroom (Volumes 3-14), Yusei Matsui

⭐️⭐️⭐️. 5

A lighthearted, uplifting read so far, I enjoy the ensemble cast and find a lot of the jokes to translate quite well, which isn’t always the case.

Tress of the Emerald Sea, Brandon Sanderson

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Another amusing read. I wouldn’t say this did anything special for the fantasy genre in terms of plot, but the world-building was unique yet simple, and I devoured this book.

The Girl who Fell Beneath the Sea, Axie Oh

⭐️⭐️

This book was the sort of thing I’ve come to expect from YA fantasy. Very bog-standard, surface-level character archetypes with very little development to them.

The Housemaid, Freida McFadden

⭐️⭐️⭐️

In all honesty, this one was rated based on enjoyment rather than quality. If you’re an avid mystery reader, this is not the book for you, but if you enjoy a slow first half followed by a fast-paced, twisty second half, then you’ll probably like this book.

I Who Have Never Known Men, Jacqueline Harpman

⭐️⭐️

For a book that is supposedly philosophical and thought-provoking, I found a lot of the views portrayed to be quite dated and overall dull. It was quite a tedious book, as many intriguing questions were set up only to be never answered, or provide little explanation

Emma, Jane Austen

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I adore this book, and the 2020 adaptation is one of my favourite movies of all time. It’s a silly, charming read full of lively characters, and I find the writing to be witty and engaging in a way some classics struggle to elicit in modern times. The first volume is quite slow though, but the second and third are too good to not push through.

Final Note - the total books read in August was 17, which has left me baffled. Apparently my appetite was large last month, so don’t expect too much from me in the future. Also, as this is my first post, hi! I love to read, literally anything but I think I’m quite a harsh critic, so if people want to recommend things, be aware I might not enjoy it to the same extent. Alternatively, I might not hate it to the same extent. I can be fluid (and occasionally nice).

[sunder-soul]

PROMPT: hiya :)) do you think you could write some fluffy Tom Riddle dating hcs? AU where Tom isn't Voldemort and is capable of feeling emotion possibly? If you do, tysm ����

Hell yes I can.

·       The PDA is what surprises you first. You’d always excepted Tom to be reserved and private with the relationship, just like he is with most everything else, but he’s constantly touching you – adjusting your school tie when it’s crooked, tucking your hair behind your ear with gentle fingers, he’ll even lean down in the middle of the corridor and softly kiss your cheek (which always makes the hundred girls who have been in love with him since first year cast you looks and whisper to each other). It quickly becomes clear what message he’s trying to send – Tom’s a lot more possessive than he is reserved. He likes that you’re his, and he wants everyone to know it.

·     The only time you’ve ever seen him truly flustered is when you’re affectionate to him. Tom didn’t grow up around casual affection, and the first time you absently brush your hand down his cheek while you’re talking one day, he looks like you might as well have shot him.

·       He likes to fall asleep on you. Tom always has trouble sleeping, but not with you, not when he’s lying between your legs with his head on your stomach, your fingers playing absently with his hair, the occasional rustle of the pages of the book you’re reading only relaxing him further. It’s the most calm you see him.

·       Tom watches you all the time. You can feel his eyes on you as you take notes in class, or walk past him with your friends in the corridor, or when you study with him in the library. He doesn’t offer much explanation for this, but he must be learning a lot from it considering you can barely hide anything from him – you quickly learn that it’s essentially pointless to try to cover up when you’re upset, he’ll know almost immediately and there’s no convincing him that he’s wrong.

·       Tom doesn’t get you gifts. He doesn’t see the point – instead, he does things for you. When you’re stuck in the Hospital Wing sick for two days in a row, you wake up to find a stack of perfect notes from every single one of your classes (including the ones he doesn’t take) on your bedside table. One morning after a particularly shitty day, you enter the Great Hall to find the candles have been charmed to glow your favourite colour (the Professors are baffled, it’s not supposed to be possible to tamper with Hogwarts’ magic). There are other things that you’re not so sure about, too – the pair of girls in your year who were fond of teasing you both make unexpected, very out of character apologies to you in front of the entire school at breakfast, and you can’t help but notice that the one Seventh-Year Gryffindor boy who kept making increasingly creepy jokes at you suddenly won’t even look you in the eye anymore.

Thanks for the prompt! I liked this one lol, soft TMR is my weakness.

[akajulester]

further thoughts on Higurashi Gou/Sotsu (spoilers for Higurashi and Umineko ep3)

warning: long rant incoming haha

I think my two biggest problems with these seasons is how they focused way more on the supernatural/magic elements of the When They Cry franchise and less on the original Higurashi’s emphasis on natural explanations, and how the characters were completely devoid of the life they had in the original.

I’ve only just started getting into Umineko and I understand it also leaves a lot of room for a non-magical explanation, but you can’t deny it focuses way more on magic than Higurashi ever did.

The thing I found most interesting when I first watched Higurashi was how the mystery had a very human and realistic explanation. While a mystical divine curse is cool, the whole plot being the result of a human character taking advantage of a fictional parasite and medicine to essentially create the mystical divine curse is far more compelling - the audience is allowed to piece together the mystery along with the characters and isn’t shut down by “a wizard did it.”

And that isn’t to say Higurashi is completely devoid of magic or the divine. Hanyuu is some kind of mystical deity who gave Rika a supernatural power (looping) and is able to manifest in the real world and directly affect the course of events (such as making Takano miss her shot). Higurashi is just a perfect blend of supernatural and more realistic storytelling.

Gou and Sotsu, on the other hand, went much harder on the supernatural/magic aspect seen in Umineko. Not only is it a worse magic vs human mystery than Umineko, it’s just completely different from what Higurashi is at its core. The complex, interweaving mystery that at first seems unsolvable but later makes sense was replaced with a much simpler “whodunnit” where the answers were obvious, especially after Satoko was revealed to be the second looper. The introduction of straight-up magic and powerful witch entities dumbs down the story, in a sense.

To be fair, Gou and Sotsu do have a human explanation as well, specifically in the vein of the human explanations seen in Umineko. Just as Eva-Beatrice in Episode 3 can be interpreted as a personification of Eva going crazy and murdering her family, Rika and Satoko’s big magical-girl fight could be interpreted as a metaphor for their fight. However, this rings a little hollow when the last episode essentially says “nah, they definitely turned into Bernkastel and Lambdadelta.” It feels like there’s almost no room for a true human explanation.

The other thing I found most compelling about Higurashi is the characters, more specifically how they interacted with each other and felt like very real people. I want to read the sound novels at some point mainly because I’ve heard the anime didn’t fully do the characters justice by cutting out small but important moments. Mion and Shion especially were amazing, their dynamic as twins was probably one of the best I’ve ever seen in storytelling. Also, the main message of Higurashi is literally about the power of friendship, and it portrays it in such an amazing way you forget the sentiment is a bit cheesy.

And yet, Gou/Sotsu ignored every single character who wasn’t Rika or Satoko (except maybe Hanyuu and Eua). While I can understand the decision to focus on them since the only point of the show was apparently to set up Bernkastel and Lambdadelta, it actually makes them feel more hollow and lifeless, to me at least.

Keiichi’s lack of presence was especially baffling in this regard. He was arguably the main reason Rika was able to break out of the loops at all, as he helped inspire her with the idea a miracle could happen if their entire group of friends worked together. And with Satoko, he became her big brother figure! The fact that Gou/Sotsu not only push their relationship off to the wayside but also have Satoko get Keiichi murdered in horrifically brutal ways AND purposely inject him with Hinamizawa Syndrome without any shred of remorse or guilt is disgusting. Are you seriously telling me Satoko had a massive internal struggle over taking advantage of Teppei (y’know, the guy who abused her and her brother and severely traumatized them), but felt absolutely nothing over torturing Keiichi, the boy who she knows has fought to save her from said abusive uncle in multiple worlds and would literally kill for her??? Wtf???

The same thing goes for the almost non-existence of Shion in Gou/Sotsu. Shion also has a very strong relationship with Satoko (except for the worlds where she goes crazy and brutally murders her lmao) and has ALSO threatened to kill that abusive uncle for hurting Satoko, something Satoko would know full well after watching all of Rika’s loops. It’s reasonable Satoko would have more ambiguous feelings about Shion (since, again, Shion has killed her in Watanagashi arcs), but I find it bizarre she would be this willing to brutally murder, torture, and directly cause events leading others to murder/torture her surrogate big sister and surrogate big brother.

The whole story in general is baffling when you consider Satoko’s character. Are we seriously supposed to believe her drifting apart from a close friend is somehow more traumatic to her than the isolation and exclusion she experienced from her entire town and the literal abuse she went through from her aunt and uncle? You can’t even really use the “oh the town didn’t actually want to persecute her family tho” argument because that doesn’t negate Satoko’s experience of living through it. It’s especially dumb when you consider Gou/Sotsu somehow make Satoko’s argument “I don’t wanna study waaahhhhh” as if it makes any sense when you know these characters.

Don’t even get me started on how nobody even reacts to Satoko’s bullshit. The original Higurashi had characters sometimes remember past arcs/worlds, and Gou explicitly stated Satoko’s loops meant characters would remember even more. And yet, all that happens is Takano and Teppei reforming. What??? I expected the ending to involve Keiichi, Rena, Mion, and Shion realizing what Satoko had done to them and getting rightfully angry with Rika over what Satoko did to all of them. The show should’ve ended with the group cutting her off for being so fucking awful to them. Jfc...

In the end, I think Gou was fine and Tatariakashi-hen in Sotsu was cool, but this show just felt so empty compared to the original Higurashi and Umineko. Both stories are focused on the CHARACTERS, and while there are main characters in both who get more focus than the rest of the cast, every single character’s interactions with each other are vital to what makes their stories compelling. Dropping all of that to hone in on 2 specific characters actually robs even those characters of their depth and vividness.

[centipede-rain]

Near the edge of the known

Voilà, the newest part of my Qcard shenanigans series :D

Here’s the AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35764102

“We sentence you to 500 years in solitary confinement.“

If someone had asked him this morning how he thought this day would go, hearing these words would have been very close to the bottom of the list of possible responses.

Yes, as a member of Starfleet he could never quite tell what his day would bring, and yes, first contact missions always were a risky thing, but for things to get this out of hand? Well yes, if he is being perfectly honest that isn’t quite that unusual either… just a normal day on the Enterprise actually. But the exact way things went astray this time is still quite baffling indeed.

Granted, they could have spent a little more time preparing for their first meeting, finding more about the Gajeekans culuture and traditions or way of dealing with things.. but it had been quite impossible to discreetly insert someone into their society, with how closely knit their community seems to be. And with the memory of how it went the last time such an attempt had been discovered still fresh in mind, they had decided not to do that this time around. Perhaps a mistake, as he now begins to realize.

He would find it incredibly funny were the situation not so serious, and were there not an important relationship with a newly discovered species at risk.

When the Gajeekans had asked him to meet their god, he had expected to meet a priest, an oracle perhaps, or even a holy statue. But of course it had been nothing like that.

Instead they had just lead him into a lavishly decorated room, quietly waiting there for about half an hour before apparently becoming more and more tense, casting suspicious glances whenever they thought he wouldn’t notice . He’d had half a mind to beam back upon the Enterprise, perhaps leaving the task of securing good relations between Starfleet and the people of Gajki-3 to someone else, but then they had suddenly declared him their prisoner.

They had stated that the only possible explanation for someone who craves attention as much as their god Saqev refusing to meet him at all, is that Picard must be a truly despicable person, certainly with bad intentions towards them too. They (very politely and quite apologetically) took his taser and Combadge from him, leaving him at their mercy. Thankfully the did not seem to be especially violent or cruel, but still…

So here he is now, sentenced to 500 years in prison on Gajki-3, a planet the federation has no prior connection with, and with which all possibilities of positive future relationships have just spectacularly went down the drain. Stuck without a way to contact his crew or defusing the situation without causing a truly unpleasant intercultural incident.

Just wonderful.

What a bureaucratic nightmare this is going to be. And all that because a “god“ whose existence (or godly status for that matter) he very seriously doubts refused to show up for their apparently meticulously planned rendez-vous.

He sighs heavily as the triumvirate continues to stare him down.

“Does anyone except the prisoner have any objections to this verdict?“

Perhaps he could convince them to let him contact Riker, who could function as some sort of legal support? He did do astonishingly good in similar situations before. Or if he could at least be allowed to defend himself.. but it seems like that isn’t something the Gajeekans usually do. Is the risk of offending them by acting against their culture worth the possibility of swaying them?

“Indeed I do.“ says a figure, standing where none has been before, breaking the silence and thus him out of his reverie.

Quite an impressive figure too… white as ice, translucent like glass, all sharp edges and blue swirls covering the surface, which crawl around as if they were living things.

Terrifying, Is the first thing he thinks, but fascinating and beautiful soon follow suit. He just cant help being drawn in by the strange appearance of the lifeform, having always had a fascination with all things unknown and different.

He forcefully rips his gaze away from the swirls (which almost feel hypnotic in nature), forcing himself to remember how serious his situation is at the moment.

“Saqev I presume.“

The being smirks, bemused, eyes of pure black glittering sharply. They have five of them, all staring him down.

“Well yes, I am. Pardon my lacking introduction, I thought it so obvious that even a limited species like you would realize.”

With a strange mixture of horror and fascination Picard watches as the five eyes start to shift, changing places on the face as if they were swimming in some sort of liquid. (Do they?)

What species are they?

“Truly sorry for showing up so late, the truth is that I did not want to come at all. It would have been truly hilarious to watch this a little longer..”

The triumvirate exchanges concerned glances at this statement.

Watching their reactions, he comes to the conclusion (with something akin to relief coursing through his veins) that they do not seem to regard Saqev in fear, more with something like affectionate exasperation and confusion.

That’s not how one would treat a dangerous and cruel tyrant, is it? Perhaps that means that there is still hope to find an agreement that will be satisfactory for both sides…

“Take those chains off of him though. What, are you seriously afraid he’ll attack you? Look at him, as much good as there is to say about him, his physical strength is mediocre at best. I did not teach you to be cowards.”

The Gajeekans seem hesitant.

“But Saqev, he could possess strengths with which to cause us harm. How can we trust him?”

Somehow Saqev looks annoyed yet weirdly fond of the Gajeekans at the same time. It reminds Picard of a parent parent whose child is endearingly stupid.

What a strange relationship, Picard wonders, between a being who claims to be a god, and their people. They seem more like a good natured teacher with their beloved students.

“I personally assure you that this man does not mean cause you any harm. He’s as tame as a lamb most of the time.

Not that he’d be able to do much harm anyway, even if he meant to.”

Something in the back of Picards brain stirs, a thought just out of reach… the grin (however inhuman), the cadence of their voice, the gestures… it all seems strangely familiar somehow. It feels like he’s standing directly in front of a realization he cannot yet grasp.

The feeling is almost tangible, and it drives him crazy that it remains just out of reach.

“Not to seem ungrateful, but who are you? And why are you willing to vouch for my good intentions?”

“I have more names than you could possibly count, and I know just as many things Jean-Luc. However, I would find it much more entertaining if you guessed it yourself.”

Picard blinks in confusion.

So familiar.

He concentrates on the feelings he associates with Saqev for some reason, hoping to come to a conclusion of some sort.

Hm…. not fear no, but something similar, something he cant quite place. Annoyance too, exasperation. But also a very special sort of excitement, and a strong undertone of affection, which surprises him greatly. He’s not very easy to win over after all, with his emotional walls as high as the great wall of china.

Somehow looking at Saqev makes him think of someone smirking, of adrenaline and the unknown.

Saqev winks.

The realization hits him full force. The reason why this being feels so familiar, despite their entirely unfamiliar looks. Their aloof behaviour, the arrogance, the dramatic way of moving their limbs around, their extremely expressive face (moving eyes and all).

Plus there’s only one being in the entire universe that says his name like that.

Could it be?

“Q?”

“I was already wondering when you’d recognize me. Is it because I’m always on your mind that you’ve caught on so quickly?”

“I can’t believe you are actually arrogant enough to make a whole planet believe that you are god. Seriously, thats excessive even for you.”

He casts a quick side glance at the Gajeekans, suddenly worried how they might react to what must seem to them like like pure heresy.

“Oh don’t worry mon Capitaine, they follow the very civilized rule of “if someone insults your god that’s his personal problem”. You humans could learn a lot from them in that matter, a sentiment like that could have prevented quite a lot useless bloodshed.”

The urge to strangle Q keeps getting stronger by the second, but remembering the very important relationship with Gajki-3, which he might completely ruin by physically attacking their deity, he forces himself to stay calm.

No use getting fed up over Qs usual taunting. Especially since he regrettably once again has to depend on the capricious entities whim.

His life certainly isn’t in danger (his brain involuntarily brings back the memory of gentle touches and comforting words, soft, loving eyes… No. He needs to concentrate.) but he certainly wouldn’t put it past Q to disturb the relationship between the Federation and Gajki-3 on purpose, as a practical joke perhaps.

And with his additional influence as, apparently, their beloved deity (as if his ego wasn’t really big enough) it’s certainly within his possibilities to do so, even easier still than it was before. He wouldn’t even have to snap his fingers, a word would suffice.

“Saqev, Who is this creature? You seem to be well acquainted with him already, yet he seems to be at odds with everything you say.” The Gajeekan who has spoken seems oddly curious. It reminds Picard of the mischievous glint in Rikers eyes whenever he has managed to get his hands on an especially juicy piece of gossip.

Q (or currently Saqev, which is just as much his name as Picard begrudgingly admits to himself) casts them an unreadable glance.

“He is my Cemqi’len.”

Picard watches in confusion as the Gajeekans exchange knowing glances.

“I’m your what?”

“Oh, that’s not important right now, is it?”

“I’d say it very much is, considering that it seems to directly concern me.“

How he hates being left in the dark about something.

“Do you want me to leave you to your prison sentence? Because I will not hesitate to let you and your precious crew sort this out yourself.“

After a few very uncomfortable moments of a five eyed ice being staring him down, one of the Gajeekans thankfully interjects.

“Would you two prefer it if we left you alone?”

“That’d be just wonderful, wouldn’t it Jean-Luc?”

They shuffle out of the room, occasionally sneaking glances at him with expressions he can’t quite interpret. As soon as they have left, he turns unceremoniously to Q.

In flash of light, he’s once again in the form Picard has come to associate with the being over time. Soft brown curls, impish smile, Starfleet uniform, lounging lazily on a suspiciously throne-like chair.

”Perhaps I’m more familiar to you like this, although it is as far from my real form as what you have seen and moment ago.”

“Oh, don’t be silly now. I know this is not your real form, and if you think your looks are what makes you familiar to me, you’re even more of a fool than I originally thought.”

In the blink of an eye, Q is dressed in his old monks robes once again, theatrically gesturing at him.

“Heretic! Mayst thou burn on the cross for thy sins!”

Perhaps it would have terrified him once, but now it only makes him chuckle.

“Careful, they might actually listen. They seem really fond of you, “Saqev”. What are you even supposed to be the god of, ice? Glass? Or what’s it with that silly white and blue theme? Or maybe it’s the good old “god of everything” charade?”

He dutifully ignores the glare “icy“ glare sent his way.

“Bold words and a lot of criticism for someone who’d hate being permanently turned into an Eagle.”

“Why an eagle? I always thought I had more of a moose.”

As always completely disregarding the notions of personal space, Q snaps his fingers and is suddenly almost on Picards lap, grinning like a five year old let loose in a candy shop.

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re a bald eagle!”

He hates that he’s validating Qs tomfoolery by smiling at that stupid of a joke, but somehow he cant help himself. Q seems so content with himself, it’s almost cute.

“You’re a peacock then, because you’re overdramatic, loud, obnoxious, and crave attention constantly.”

His snide comment earns him a dramatic gasp of betrayal from Q.

“Really Jmon capitaine? I’ve just singlehandedly saved you from 500 years of imprisonment, and this is how you thank me for it? How rude!”

“Well, let’s not forget that you’re the one who brought me into this situation in the first place But if it makes you happy, fine: I do appreciate your intervention.”

There it is again, that damn provocative smirk he can’t stop thinking about.

“You better do Jean-Luc… you’re in my dominion after all.

Well, technically speaking the whole galaxy is, but this planet even more so.”

“How did it come to this if I may ask? Did you just appear in a flash of light and announced your new status as their supreme deity?”

“I just stumbled across them one day and…. I suppose I took a liking. It happens to the best of us… and if they ask for nothing but my company and occasionally some advice, how am I supposed to decline? They’re precious little things.”

A few months earlier, he would have been truly surprised to hear this. Perhaps he’d even have doubted the truth of this statement.

But a lot has changed since then, and strangely enough he’s come to realize that even Q has surprisingly soft sides to him. He seems to be in noticing them more and more as of lately…

“Well, I’ll leave you to your “first contact” mission then, I wouldn’t want to intrude. I know how much those silly things mean to you.”

Wait, is he really just going to leave? No additional trouble, no games, no conditions? Slightly unsettling to be honest, like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, Q has been exceptionally pleasant and accommodating today, and something inside of him how is very reluctant to see the versatile being just leave, perhaps even for multiple months.

And he aches to know more about this fascinating little planet and Qs entanglement with its history….

“Q, I wonder… would you care to dine with me today?”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… Picard…“

Q fixates him with an unnervingly smug stare,

“I really wouldn’t have taken you for the type of person to just throw yourself at the local god like that…”

That statement, especially accompanied by that unnerving stare makes his face grow very hot, and him severely regret having made the offer in the first place. He should have known better than to have a normal conversation with Q of all people.

“Starve then.”

Obviously he knows that’s not possible, since Q doesn’t even technically need to eat, but it’s the sentiment that counts.

“I didn’t say no Jean-Luc, did I?”

[smash-chu]

Updated the iceberg with some suggestions + more stuff i came across during research~ Might be doing a video to go along with it, cause it'd be fun (i have been capturing footage, so it'll likely end up happening :3 )

Explanations for each thing can be found below:

-Level 1-

The TV show - Some people’s first exposure to the franchise was the TV show, made to go alongside the games as a sort of advertisement. It was made by 4Kids and had a total of 2 seasons, starring the 4 main characters: Hudson Horstachio, Franklin Fizzlybear, Paulie Pretztail and Fergy Fudgehog.

Rare games easter eggs - There are plenty of easter eggs to other Rare games throughout Viva Piñata, the easiest ones to note are the broken arcade cabinets found in the first game as well as the various nods to Banjo Kazooie - such as the Bird and Bear statue, Mumbo statue, Breegull backpack and Bottle’s Glasses.

Stardos is Dastardos - The game never tells you this directly, but it’s an easy and obvious conclusion to make.

Twingersnaps and Fourheads - Without using a guide or looking it up you may actually be baffled on how to acquire these piñatas in game. There is no obvious hint in game to tell you to hit the Syrupent egg before it hatches on the third bounce, which means you either have to figure it out through experimentation or by looking it up.

Leafos False Rumors - Leafos is meant to give you good advice to help you out while you play the game if you talk to her, however not all information she gives is true. Some rumors include putting a Badgesicle in water will turn it into a Sweetooth, feeding a Doenut to a Pretztail turns it into a Mallowolf and so on. None of these actually work.

Piñatas aren’t permanently broken - When a piñata is broken it is magically repaired, at least when on Piñata island, reforming at the edge of a garden when broken at one. It is stated that piñatas are repaired after having been sent to parties, which would potentially mean that piñatas only magically repair themselves when on the island.

-Level 2-

The PC Port - Not very well advertised, there was a PC port released for the first Viva Piñata game. There are a couple of differences between the port and the original Xbox 360 release, which are touched upon later.

Piñatas are genderless - Technically no piñata is given a gender in game, all piñatas function the same. While in the show gendered piñatas are present it could potentially be that piñatas are naturally genderless and then if they are sapient can choose genders which fit their identity.

Burger king toys - A bundle of burger king exclusive plastic toys of piñatas were made and sold alongside the children's meals, some of the piñatas were Elephanilla, Sparrowmint, Goobaa and so forth. These toys are nowadays rare and sought after by people who collect the very small amount of official Viva Piñata merch that exists.

Wildcards - Wildcard piñatas are unique piñatas that have a feature which makes it stand out next to others of its species. There are a total of 3 variants of wildcards per piñata, some being exclusively gained through trading piñatas online. In the original game wildcards were extremely rare and there was only one variant, while they were made easier to acquire in TiP.

Both the games and show are canon - Just what it says, according to the creators both the games and show are canon to Viva Piñata lore. This makes for some strange implications, but that's for later.

TiP Fence Glitch / Exploit - A sort of well known glitch often used while playing Viva Piñata Trouble in Paradise. Fences normally do not stop Ruffians and Professor Pester from entering your garden, as they simply destroy them when they’re in the way. However, if arranged in a specific pattern in the area next to the volcano they enter from, the fence will make them permanently stuck. They will be stopped at the very edge of the garden at the fence, unable to properly enter or do anything. This can occur unintentionally as well in both the original game and TiP, as sometimes Ruffians and Professor Pester get stuck on seemingly random things and become unable to do anything.

Domesticated piñatas becoming un-domesticated - A strange difference between the original game and TiP is the fact that you can no longer buy domesticated piñatas from the Paper Pet’s store. Instead of being purchased they simply appear in the wild like any other wild piñata, whether this implies that these piñatas are no longer considered domesticated or is just a game design choice is unclear.

Jardinero and his family - In game a big part of the npc cast are Jardinero and his children, Leafos, Seedos, Storkos and Dastardos. They all play important roles in terms of the game mechanics, but also have their own stories which can be read about in the journal. The journal also mentions the character Mother, which is Jardineros wife and mother of their children. She is a seafaring adventurer that occasionally came to visit Piñata Island to see her husband and kids.

-Level 3-

Dastardos ghost theory - Because of Dastardos more ghostly abilities, such as floating around, being able to go through objects and not being recognized by his family, it is theorized he may either be undead or a ghost. The entry for the Dastardos shovelhead also implies this, calling him “untouchable” and only thanks to lining up to his frequency can the shovel hit him. This theory kind of makes the fact that Professor Pester being responsible for this even more messed up.

Extended / full version of Horstachio commercial - One of the more famous pieces of commercials to advertise the first game was the one featuring Hudson Horstachio, about to be broken by a couple of kids, that he offers a bunch of outlandish things to to convince them to let him down. There are apparently some different versions of the commercial which feature different things being offered, with a full uncut version that has all the offers in it.

Piñata cards - In Viva Piñata Trouble in Paradise there is a function which is called Piñata Vision, which utilizes the Xbox Live Vision camera. By scanning the card you can get the piñata or item displayed on the card, some of these cards feature the developers in the form of a piñata and characters from other games.

Language Dubs - The PC port of the original game has a lot of language dubs, translated into languages such as Dutch, Swedish, Spanish, Chinese and more. Some of these do not extend to the UI oddly enough, while for the majority of translations all of the game’s features are translated accordingly, with the exception of piñata names. The language chosen is determined by the language set for the computer, so if you want the game in a specific language you’d need to change the language of the computer before installing it.

PC port graphical downgrades - Oddly enough the PC port has some graphical differences compared to the original Xbox 360 release. Mostly the graphics being downgraded, even on the highest settings, such as the lighting and texture resolution on objects and the environment.

Miss Petula’s neglectful parents - The npc that runs the Paper Pet’s store is Miss Petula, who often lets the player know she’s not very enthusiastic about her job. Mostly because her parents have left the store in her care, and don’t seem to communicate with their daughter much aside from grounding her, as she mentions it in her dialogue. In one of her dialogue lines when the player leaves the shop she ponders running away from home.

Accessories graphical glitches - Some accessories have graphical glitches associated with them, such as missing pieces or being misaligned on the model during certain animations. Examples of this is the ribbon being missing when a Ponocky wears a tail ribbon (in the PC version), or goggles on Chippopotamus not moving properly when their mouth is opened.

Some piñatas are sapient, others not - Because of the fact that both the show and games are canon makes some things kind of weird. Though even if the show wasn’t canon this would still be a thing - as thanks to the existence of Langston and some of the show characters appearing in the DS game. Most piñatas in the games act like animals and cannot speak, however in the show and with Langston they are very much as sapient as a human. What causes a piñata of the same species to be sapient or not? Why does no character in the game acknowledge this strange difference? We don’t know.

Magic is real - In the Viva Piñata universe, at least on Piñata Island, magic exists. Seen in the form of Leafos and Jardinero summoning items, Bart transforming items into other things, Seedos and other characters teleporting and both Dastardos and Storkos being able to fly. There are other examples of magic, nobody really explains why magic exists or to what extent it is used or capable of being, but simply something that is commonplace on Piñata Island. If magic exists in other places is unknown.

The DS game - Known as Viva Piñata Pocket Paradise, the DS game came out after both the original game and TiP. It features a mix of piñatas from both the other games, however not all of them, because of the limitations of being on the DS. It is pretty much just another Viva Piñata game where you tend to a garden, now using the touchscreen to use your tools and so on.

How the fuck does the family not recognize Dastardos as Stardos - A strange phenomenon considering at least Jardinero considers Dastardos familiar and so does Leafos to an extent (he is in the "family members" part of the journal after all), but apparently none of the other family members have been able to figure out that Dastardos is in fact Stardos. Whether this is them just being very oblivious or not it’s still sad that they can’t even recognize their own family member after being corrupted. This is also even more strange considering Dastardos lives literally across the garden from his family, how have they not been able to tell by now? Though, if the ghost theory is considered, maybe it’s understandable why they have such a hard time recognizing him.

-Level 4-

Langston taking over the position of authority in piñata central from Jeffe - Apparently Jeffe used to be in charge of the piñata central and was later kicked off his position and replaced by Langston, this is to reflect how Jeffe was originally planned as the head of the piñata central before being replaced by Langston as influenced by the show. Why he was kicked off his position is uncertain, but theorized to be because of the fact that he turned into a piñata or half piñata from ingesting too much candy - though why this would influence him being kicked off i’m not sure. Maybe he abused the central for his own gain?

“They all wear masks, some are just more elaborate than others” - A statement from a developer when asked about the masks worn by the humanoid characters in the games, whether they’re their actual heads or some kinda mask. This was meant to clarify that all the human characters are fully human, however it still leaves some things unanswered - such as if they are masks then why can we not see Fannie Franker’s face inside the mailbox on her head? Or what does that entail for the Ruffians whose bodies are pretty much completely covered in their masks.

Squazzils name debate - A reference to how in game Leafos mentions that the name for the Squazzil was debated before you, the player, arrived at the island. Being apparently called Nonsquirrel as they were trying to figure out a name for the species. Whether this is true or not is uncertain, as Leafos does state untrue rumors sometimes.

The side characters in P-Factor - P-Factor is a minigame in TiP that is you showing off your piñata in a contest against other players or npcs. This minigame features both already existing npcs, such Leafos for example, as well as some made exclusively for the minigames. Some of these npcs include Maxime, Babochka, Nana Urf and more. They also make an appearance in the Great Piñata Paperchase minigame, however they are much more prominently presented in the P-Factor minigame.

Unknown blue flower - There is a blue flower which appears outside of the garden space as a decoration in the original game. This blue flower is not a flower which appears anywhere else, and cannot be planted in the garden either. Most of the flowers and trees found outside the garden space are plants that are available for the player, but this one flower is unique in that it isn’t part of those plants.

Leafos might be a lesbian - As it is very much implied that Leafos is the one who writes the entries for the items, objects, characters and piñatas in the journal one can glean interesting information and thoughts about Leafos. In the entry for the Pink Flutterscotch there is the sentence “A girl (that I may or may not have liked) once told me that the Pink Flutterscotch reminded her of a kiss.” Some people take this as an implication that Leafos may be a lesbian and or bi, which i personally think would be neat.

Viva Piñata Party Animals - A party game that stars the main cast of the tv show, it features a lot of different minigames and a mario kart-like racing minigame, kinda being a mix between mario party and mario kart except piñata themed. It’s very different from the other games in the series and has a lot of locations and items not featured in the other games as well.

Unused piñata concepts - There are plenty of piñatas that never made it into any of the games, as one would expect. Examples of piñatas that never appear in the game but had concepts made for them are a Giraffe, a Platypus that would’ve been acquired by breeding a Quackberry and Sweetooth together, a Hammerhead shark with a sour form and a Kangaroo. A goldfish piñata was also part of concepts, however this piñata does appear in the game - as the fish in the bowl on Miss Petulas head.

Ivor in the wishing well - In TiP Ivor Bargain is strangely missing, with the items he used to sell now being purchasable at Cost’o’lots. Ivor can however be found residing at the bottom of the wishing well object, which you can purchase after playing through the credits sequence. By donating chocolate coins you can get him to speak and throw items from the well depending on what amount you throw in. It is hinted that Lottie was the one who pushed Ivor into the well, likely because she doesn’t want competition selling items to the local gardeners.

-Level 5-

Banjo Kazooie Mountains - One of the rarer (hah) easter eggs to spot in the original game, in the distance across the swamp where Seedos lives one can see a mountain which has Banjo and Kazooie carved into the mountain. This is much easier to see in the Xbox 360 version compared to the PC port, because of the higher resolution textures.

Silent piñatas - Every piñata is voice acted, or are they? One might notice that there are two, well technically eleven, piñatas that are completely silent. The Flutterscotches and Mothdrops are fully silent, not making any noise. Why this is is uncertain, as other bug piñatas do have noises, such as the Taffly and Sweetle. It may be because normally no noise is associated with butterflies or moths in real life, or it may be because these piñatas are meant to be more akin to decorational than a “proper” piñata.

Dragonache flying away glitch - A glitch which is easily done in game, by making the dragonache engage in a fight with another piñata and using the menu to send it off from the garden. By opening the fighting view, which can be accessed to monitor the fight separate from the normal camera view, it will focus in on the two piñatas. The camera will become strange as the Dragonache flies away from the garden, letting you see out of bounds and see details otherwise obscured by things in the background around the garden. I recommend doing this after having done at least one mandatory fight beforehand, as you are forced to watch the first fight that occurs and will unable to do anything till it is finished. Thus if you do this glitch while forced to watch it you will be unable to access the rest of your garden for quite some time.

Giant Zumbug glitch - Not certain if a glitch or hack, there have been reports of a giant Zumbug in TiP which is acquired through unknown means. This giant Zumbug can be sent through the Xbox Live service, but more than that is not known.

Professor Pester is legit evil and fucked up - Even though he’s presented in the show as a bumbling idiot of a villain, he has done a lot of fucked up shit. Not only does he employ Ruffians to mess up other people’s gardens, including Jardinero’s garden, he is also the reason why sour piñatas exist. Making a sour goop which is used for creating sour candy, it is a candy which makes anyone who eats it sick and possibly corrupts them - this is evident in how he corrupted Stardos by giving him sour candy. He may have rather bland goals as a villain, simply wanting complete control of the piñata island and its piñatas, but he’s done some pretty messed up stuff to try and accomplish this goal.

Extra color variants - All piñatas, except for the Flutterscotches, have three color variants that can be acquired by feeding the piñata specific things. However, there are piñatas that have more variants than others, through being caught in the Pinartic or Dessert Desert, and then feeding those the same things. This will cause them to gain a different tint of color compared to their normal counterparts, as thanks to having a different default color because of being from a different region.

Money and Piñata duplication glitch - It is possible to duplicate money and piñatas by abusing the post office, by editing the contents of the boxes being mailed while they are shipped off. This can be used to quickly acquire master romance rewards and cut down on time spent making chocolate coins the normal way. This glitch appears to be the easiest to do in TiP, compared to the first game.

Giant and tiny seeds - You can gain a plethora of things from the mine, which includes seeds. Sometimes when the mine uncovers seeds there is a chance for the seed to either be bigger or smaller than normal, these seeds work exactly like their normal sized versions, but sell for different prices. The size difference can vary wildly, with really big seeds and incredibly tiny seeds that are hard to see.

Ivor has two mouths - Something that may be easily missed, but Ivor Bargain does as a matter of fact have two mouths. One for each “face” he has, for when he’s a beggar and a merchant, he can flip between the two by spinning his head, flipping his head up or down. This is a little freaky, and completely glanced over in game, left unexplained why he has two mouths or can flip his head upside down with no consequences.

Leafos is vegan - A very recent thing which has been observed through the rare cookbook that has been released, which features an array of rare game inspired recipes. Recipes which are vegan or vegan friendly are marked with “Leafos vegan approved”, which implies that Leafos is vegan.

Fudgehog cutscene - On certain days of the month a different cutscene will play during the opening of the first game on Xbox 360 and PC, replacing the normal Horstachio cutscene. Instead it is a Fudgehog being broken to reveal the rare logo, though there is a bug in the PC port that makes the Fudgehog cutscene not play.

Pudgeon romance dance - An oddity among the rest of the romance dances is the Pudgeon romance dance, which is the only piñata to actually wear the required accessories needed for romancing in the romance dance cutscene.

-Level 6-

Mousemallow sounds - The Mousemallow makes interesting noises, which may seem strange for a mouse, as they aren’t squeaks. They go “chu” because the developer voicing them is from Japan, where mice are vocalized as going “chu” instead of squeak.

Cut baby piñatas - Originally piñata babies were meant to look different from their adult counterparts, instead of just being smaller. However because of time constraints this was cut.

Humans can become piñatas rumor - In game this is presented in TiP with Jeffe, which is a human piñata or a half human half piñata, he states “If you eat enough candy and pull a face in the wind you'll become a piñata, I never want to see another piece of candy let alone a piñata full of it.” as part of dialogue during P-Factor. We cannot confirm whether this is actually true or not, but if Jeffe’s statement is true then it would imply that humans can turn into piñatas. This in turn creates a lot of questions, such as why does this happen? Has this happened to people outside of Piñata Island? Is this something exclusive to just the island or candy from the living piñatas? Can this happen with animals as well?

Tamed sour piñatas reverting via mail - A gameplay mechanic which is not commonly seen is the fact that tamed sour piñatas can revert back to a sour state. This occurs when you send a tamed sour piñata to a player which hasn’t unlocked the tamed version of that piñata, when the piñata is taken out of its mailed box it will be the sour version. This happens in all the main games, including Pocket Paradise as well.

Pitch black piñata variants - A once exclusive variant available through Piñata Vision cards, it turns a piñata completely black, even sour piñatas. This can be acquired without the use of cards through things like hacking or modifying the game’s files.

Piñata meat - Something mentioned in the journal and seen in the form of some piñatas attacking projectiles, eating piñatas in the form of eating their “meat” is apparently a normal thing on Piñata Island. Examples of this are the journal entries for Cluckles and Arocknids, which mention eating Cluckle legs, as well as the projectiles of Cluckles and Goobaa being chicken legs and mutton chops. It is also mentioned in in-game dialogue that Storkos eats piñata eggs if unable to deliver them, and other piñatas do consume piñata eggs. Are thus piñatas edible beyond just their candy? Or are the residents on Piñata Island cooking and eating paper mache animal parts and acting like that’s not weird?

Family mode - A mode found in the original game and TiP, which allows two people to play at the same time using two controllers. Simply done by connecting a second controller while playing the game, it’s originally meant for parents to be able to help their kids while they play without having to disturb the gameplay. This mode can be used to give yourself an edge in the early stages of the game in TiP, as the second controller will have the best tools available right away and is capable of things the first controller cannot, like filling a piñatas candiosity by performing tasks.

Dastardos and Seedos special interaction - When you’ve beaten up Seedos and gotten him on his bad side he’ll start to chuck weed seeds into your garden, and has a special interaction with Dastardos if both of them are in the garden while he is in his upset state. When Seedos has thrown a weed seed, the two of them will turn to face each other and do their laughing animation, presumably because both of them enjoy the chaos. Or maybe they have that slight family connection still? It’s rather sad though that Seedos only acknowledges his brother at all when he’s angry and upset.

-Level 7-

Viva Piñata Candy Stash - There are a few piñata games which aren’t widely known, for example this Adobe Flash tower defense game developed and published by 4Kids TV, known as Viva Piñata Candy Stash. This game features Professor Pester trying to steal the player’s candy using Ruffian robots, and to stop him the player builds towers invented by piñata characters from the tv show.

Petting piñatas - Exclusive to Pocket Paradise, you can pet your piñatas which makes them happy. Different piñatas like to be pet differently, and if petted the wrong way it won’t increase their happiness.

No 100% reward in first game - Both Viva Piñata Trouble in Paradise and Viva Piñata Pocket Paradise have a reward / reward screen for completing the game fully, by getting all the available rewards for the piñatas and plants. However, there is no proper completion reward in the original first game, there are rewards for various milestones but none for completing everything.

Piñata mascot suits - As part of promotions and promotional material there exists mascot suits of some piñatas, such as the Horstachio, Pretztail and Fudgehog. Whether these suits are kept in storage somewhere or have been thrown away we do not know.

Ruffians helping Helpers - Unless you mess with your helpers just for fun, you’re unlikely to ever see this happen. When a helper of any kind is stuck because of a fence or being surrounded by objects, they will constantly keep telling you they’re stuck. If you let them stay stuck for long enough a Ruffian will spawn in, no matter if you have a Captain’s Cutlass or not in your garden, that you cannot interact with. They will wander over to the helper and free them by destroying the object that’s in the way. Leafos will then berate you with a notification, saying “Shame on you!” for being such a jerk to your helper, and that the Ruffian and helper are running off; the helper leaving permanently.

Ruffians speaking - Ruffians normally do not speak, only making various grunts, but do have dialogue seen in Pocket Paradise.

-Honorable Mentions-

Miss Petula’s cat eyes - Miss Petula has a strange animation in game where her eyes go from having rounded pupils to having slitted, cat-like pupils. This is likely because of her cat theme, but is still strange considering she’s supposed to be a human.

Rare variant of logo cutscene - There is a version of the rare logo reveal cutscene played when opening the game, that features the rare logo itself exploding with candy. This is played in certain versions of the game, likely because of the fact that both the Fudgehog and Horstachio cutscenes feature a sort of dismemberment via them being smashed into bits which can be seen as inappropriate in certain regions.

All the shops have slot machines - A strange detail is that all the shopping menus are made out of slot machines, which might seem odd since slot machines usually have nothing to do with shops or making purchases, more so being related to gambling.

Unidentified voice actors - A lot of the voices provided for the games go unnamed in the credits, however we do know most of the piñata voices are members of the staff and developers. The missing voice actors for the npcs are listed as “Voices provided by 4Kids” with no names attached.

[heloflor]

You know, the more I think about it, the more baffled I am that Jimmy is sometimes forgotten when talking about Craig’s gang. I mean, not only had he been part of said gang since it started becoming a thing, but Jimmy is also probably the sixth more important kid character behind the main 5.

(I’d like to point out that I haven’t gone through the tags of those characters in a long time so I have no idea if this is still going on. For all I know this issue is old news. On that note, my intention here is NOT to start any discourse. Actually I think subconsciously I just wanted to point out how present Jimmy is in the show because I find it interesting to notice 🤔).

After all, on top of seeing him with Craig, Clyde and Tolkien (“Ginger Kids”, “Fun Times with Weapons”, “The Magic Bush”, “Lice Capades” etc), he’s also been seen hanging out with the main 5 as part of the sixth friend like in “Pee”, “Super Fun Time”, “W.T.F.”, “The China Problem” or “Band in China”.

Then there’s also his involvement in season 5, the season he was introduced, + several episodes centered around him like “Fishsticks”, “Erection Day”, or the last few episodes of season 19. Also, while Clyde tends to be the character used when they need a secondary character talking in a scene, Jimmy was shown pretty often talking in scenes like those as well, like him being the one doing the talking to Craig in “The Magic Bush” or him being the person Stan asks to talk to Wendy in “Raisins” or even that one deleted scene from “Reverse Cowgirl”. And let’s not forget the few episodes he has with Timmy and Nathan.

Seriously, I’m pretty sure Jimmy is more of a major character than Tweek, who became part of the main cast for half a season !

  Tbh, I think the reason why it bothers me is because, the more I think about it, the more I start thinking that it has less to do with Jimmy possibly being harder to draw/write to some people and more to do with him being disabled.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m very much aware that main/major characters aren’t always fan-favorites or even the fandom’s priority (just look at T//OH fandom’s interest for Hun//ter or the P/n/F fandom with Do//of and Per//ry for example). Hell, I’m part of this crowd as well sometimes (Cav and Dak from M//ML, with my fics almost never mentioning Mi//lo).

But given the fandom’s liking of Craig’s gang, it does raise a few questions when such a major character gets forgotten without much explanation (again, if someone simply struggles with drawing or writing him, I can understand. Though it sucks if he’s not even mentioned or acknowledged as part of the group).

(And yes I know Jason is constantly forgotten, but tbf he was pretty much only part of the group for one episode. Plus, as of S23, he’s canonically dead)

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi again! I come to you today with a question that may simply be a continuity error, but I'm still interested in your thoughts! In the main story, le Comte *knows* it was MC that came through the door behind him. Yet in Comte's "One Night, Beneath the Crescent Moon" POV story, he said he "...had no idea of what would happen next... That she would end up using the same door and end up stuck on the other side." What's your take on it? Thanks in advance! 💛

Hiya! First off I wanna apologize for how long it took to reply oTL I had originally drafted a response and then lost it when I accidentally closed the tab, and whenever that happens I always have to like sufficiently mourn the words I lost 😂😂😂

But to answer your question! If I’m entirely honest, I can’t remember what it was Comte said exactly in the Main Story in regards to her entering the door. There could be a lot of explanations for him saying he “knew”: continuity error, him wanting to put her at ease by seeming “in control” of the situation (while he’s screaming internally), or maybe even him wanting to cast some doubt as to whether or not he’s a person that can be trusted (aka the whole like “MC nooooooo don’t trust me I’m a vampire very bad very scary run away” kind of like Leonardo). 

All that being said, given the evidence we have and the stories I’ve read from his POV--esp that Crescent Moon one you referenced--I’m most inclined to believe that he had no idea she would follow him that day at the Louvre. If anything I really don’t think he ever anticipated any human person could follow him through the door? Because remember Sebastian (and the suitors for that matter) only manage because Comte is their escort. Sure their will to live on was strong enough that he could hear them, but they had no capacity to approach or find a door on their own as far as we currently know. The door was closed when MC found it; this suggests that Comte fully closed off that avenue to make sure nobody wayward stepped in by accident. He did the responsible thing and he left long before he could ascertain her safe journey through time, but she still managed to make it across somehow.

That’s why I think MC’s mere existence is earth-shattering to Comte. I mean we have all the good basics: a lovely lady, sweet and hard-working, means well and does her best. And these attributes all do matter, for sure. But the door is perhaps a greater catalyst in their romance than we might have first anticipated.

There will be some semi-hefty JPN rt spoilers below the cut for Dazai and Comte, so I’m just going to keep it under wraps just in case there are people who want to remained 100% unspoiled:

TW: Mentions of suicide in Dazai’s rt

The reason I say this is twofold, based on information provided by Dazai and Comte’s Main Story route. In Dazai’s route, remember that the focal point of the story is that Dazai wants to go back in time to kill himself as a baby so that he can never grow up to write his books or cause anyone pain in the near future--essentially, suicidal ideation to a frightening extreme. One of the main reasons that he fails (though MC plays a significant role in stopping him, too) is that Dazai’s will to kill himself is too weak. In simpler terms, this means that--no matter how much he insisted he wanted to die, the truth of his heart was revealed in his constant hesitating and difficulty going through with it. This is very often a reaction from people who need sizable psychological assistance to overcome trauma; they don’t usually want to die, it’s more that the pain of surviving their experiences is outweighing any possible joy they can find in living. 

But back to the most important part in bold. When Dazai asks about being able to use the door to travel through time, Charles confirms that it’s possible to travel without a pureblood escort. HOWEVER. This type of travel is very, very difficult unless you have an intense sense of willpower. I imagine the implication here is that you have to have an overwhelming desire and firmly believe it’s where you want to be in order for the travel attempt to succeed at all. (I don’t think the tethering point necessarily matters, but there is a suggestion that strong bonds between people--whether platonic or romantic--can serve as powerful guideposts when the door is distorted.) In other words, the reason Dazai relies on Charles’ moral bankruptcy is because Dazai knows he doesn’t feel strongly enough to go through with the suicide. He needs someone else who has the sheer determination and unbending will to see it through when the door opens. 

This is why Dazai is forced to ask Charles to accompany him, even though Charles doesn’t necessarily want to kill him. For Charles, this is less about a desperation to kill Dazai and more about his intense obsession-love for MC, and his willingness to do anything to receive her love/attention in return. In Charles’ view, since MC is ostensibly in love with Dazai, removing Dazai from the picture permanently is ideal. While Charles’ judgement is clouded and a little horrific, he is nonetheless rock steady in comparison to Dazai’s nonstop wavering. Dazai knows that he’s fickle on a personal level; one moment he wants to die, another he’s too afraid to let go of what he does care about or upset anyone. He’s at a point where he doesn’t know what’s right or true anymore and he’s floundering, which is honestly fairly common among those who share his lamentable condition. (Most people don’t have a death wish--it’s more a combination of circumstantial problems and healing that has remained in stasis that constitutes the extremity of that behavior.)

Moving right along, Comte’s route also features a similar testament to willpower, believe it or not. This happens in the last few chapters of the main story. Basically, Shakespeare dumps MC on Vlad’s doorstep and she’s more or less suffering the latter’s monologuing for a good while. Not long after that Comte appears and nearly shoots Vlad in the head, the bullet just grazing his cheek. Comte demands that he let MC go, and Vlad--in a classic sadistic act of compliance--wrenches open the door and just tosses MC into the freefall of distorted spacetime.

Now this is dangerous to MC’s life in and of itself, but there’s a key element there: distorted spacetime. In this main story the door never returns to its normal state after that first month period. Rather, the expanse of the door is too dangerous to be traveled even by a pureblood, let alone a human being. The chances MC will ever be able to escape in order to survive are closer to zero than any other number. Remember that Comte is immortal. If he gets stuck on his own, he can’t die and the damage to his body is always more than able to heal when he’s back to safety. (He even warns Leonardo in Leo’s MS that the danger of getting stuck in some kind of pocket in spacetime is still too significant to be ignored, though I can’t be sure if that’s due to Leonardo’s inexperience with time travel/requirement for an escort, or just an inevitable risk you juggle anytime you travel through the door.)

Of course Comte leaps in after her to try to save her, but presumably their entry point is long gone now (Vlad shut the door), so they’re just kind of floating in amorphous time. They do and don’t exist. Comte is understandably distraught because MC’s life hangs in the balance; if they don’t find a way out, she is almost certainly going to die. Comte admits that--while he hates the fact that his very existence is a danger to her, he still doesn’t regret finding her by any extension. MC protests, naturally, that there’s nothing to regret. Circumstances be what they may, she loves him. 

Now, here is the key. While Comte is trying to think of a way out, MC is thinking hard about wanting to return to the mansion. Her mind reflects an acute, intense desire to return home to the place where they both belong. And wouldn’t you know it? They both suddenly tumble out of the door in the mansion and onto the carpeted floor, whole and alive, sputtering in disbelief. Comte is baffled at first but it can only give way to immense relief that she’s safe, and he just immediately breaks down.

The only reason the two make it out unscathed is because of--I can only assume--MC’s overwhelming will to live on with Comte and return to the mansion. While it would have been natural for her to be overcome by fear to the point where she could make no productive decision, or even humor the concept of focusing on their home, she does it all the same with immediate success. That’s also part of why I think Comte just 100% caves into both of their feelings in the next chapter. He saw firsthand that, not only does MC keep a level head under duress, but she also has the overpowering will necessary to survive amongst vampires. And it was perhaps this unshakeable will in the first place that landed her in the late 19th century all those weeks ago.

It’s interesting because, honestly? Her entry through the door is more or less a hinge point for their romance. While it obviously isn’t the only reason he cares about her, it definitely is one of the bigger reasons he even feels safe enough to court her in earnest in the aftermath. It is literally only after this event that he confesses everything. Why he created the mansion and the men. How he’s really felt about her and himself all this time. What Vlad showed her and the implications of Vlad’s existence. And finally the truth about what he wants. He wants a relationship with her, but he keeps being held back by the fear that he’s too much. That the demand of being by his side will outweigh any happiness she might find choosing him. (Granted MC and I find that preposterous given how attentive and considerate he is, but you know). But after seeing her pull off surviving Vlad and traveling through the door by her own willpower again? I think it sufficiently lessens his doubts as to whether she could handle a future with him. It gives him the courage to just ask her: Do you want a future with me? Can you handle the demands of a vampire that cannot accept a mere human lifetime to be in love? 

And so this is why I have unceasing Comte brainworms ladies and gentlethem. I need to go lie down before I start crying again, I love him oTL

[wizisbored]

was working out some things for hf/bj au, wrote a thing, heres paul learning about the Long Child

“Who’s the extra bowl for?”

Over the course of his first day out on the farm, Paul has been trying to make a start on adapting to the routine of the place. There’s been a fair few things he doesn’t understand about it, and apparently dinner is no different. Maybe the extra person has thrown Ziggs off, he reasons, and that’s why they’ve dished out four portions of casserole.

The farmhand turns to face him with a somewhat confused look on their face, glancing from their boss to their boss’ boyfriend. “...Scarecrow,” they respond eventually, a sort of bewildered smile on their face, like they’re trying to figure out if he’s joking.

“Scarecrow?” Paul repeats. They don’t own a scarecrow, from what he’s seen, and even if they did it wouldn’t need to share their dinner. Zigg’s brow furrows.

“Emma hasn’t- You haven’t told him about Scarecrow?”

Both they and Paul turn to look at the woman, causing her to pause in the middle of setting the table. She gives her farmhand an incredulous look.

“No, Ziggs, I haven’t told him about Scarecrow. How am I supposed to explain that mess to someone who’s barely set foot in the Witchwood?”

Ziggs is silent for a moment, then shrugs and nods. “Yeah, fair.”

Without further explanation, they grab one of the bowls and walk past Paul and out of the kitchen, heading to the front door. Still utterly baffled and a little put out by the idea he’s being left out of the know, Paul follows. The chill of the night air is a shock on his face, and he buries his hands in his pockets as Ziggs takes a small torch out of theirs.

“Hey! Scarecrow!” they call, letting out a long whistle as they cast their torch’s light across the field. Maybe Scarecrow is some kind of animal, Paul figures. “You up for some casserole? Ah.” Ziggs’ voice lowers, and they nudge Paul. “There she is.”

Paul follows their gaze to the small circle of light in the crops, and feels a chill run down his spine. That’s no animal, at least, not one he’s ever seen before. There’s a lanky figure among the leaves, what looks like an oversized striped jumper hanging off its shoulders, shaggy hair falling around its face. It’d look every bit the part of a scarecrow, if not for the bright blue eyes shining in its head. He can’t make out the pupils from his place on the porch, but nevertheless he has an odd feeling that it’s looking at him. The idea strikes a discordant note in his mind.

“Don’t worry about Paul,” Ziggs calls to the figure as they set the bowl down at their feet, “he’s harmless. Just Emma’s boyfriend. Anyway, grub’s up, kid!”

And with that, the farmhand turns around and heads back into the house. Even without the torchlight to reflect, Paul can see those blue eyes staring at him through the darkness. He can’t believe how casually Ziggs walked away from it - is he supposed to turn his back on the thing too and go have dinner like he didn’t just watch them leave an offering for some forest cryptid? For a moment he can only hold the thing’s gaze, not daring to tear his eyes away from the creature until he hears his name.

“Paul, sweetheart,” Emma’s voice calls from the house. He finally breaks away from Scarecrow’s glowing stare to look back at his girlfriend, stood in the kitchen doorway with an apologetic look on her face. “She’s not gonna eat if you’re standing right there,” she says. “I’m sorry, I know I should have warned you about her, but I’ll explain. Just come in so she’ll eat.”

With one last glance at those shining blue eyes, Paul hesitantly steps back into the house and closes the door behind him. He takes a deep breath, trying to order his thoughts.

“What, exactly… is Scarecrow?” he asks.

“Well. The thing about the Witchwood,” Emma explains as she steps into the room, “is that anything… raised out here is changed by it. They grow big, and fast, and… different.”

Paul barely gets a moment to attempt to wrap his head around what she means before his thoughts are interrupted by a few muffled thumps; the sound of sturdy boots on the boards of the porch outside. Emma keeps talking as he slowly steps towards the window. They can’t call the police for fear of what could happen to her, she says. They can’t try reuniting her with her father, she’d only run away, and besides there’s others out there in the woods. Others that will fiercely protect her from any attempt to rectify this whole mess. But it’s not until he sits down on the arm of their battered old sofa, peering out onto the porch, that what she’s saying sinks in.

Scarecrow’s a kid.

Sure, she’s a tall kid, lanky even for a teenager, but still clearly young. And there’s something very off about her. The fingers wrapped around her bowl of stew are a little too long for her hands, what look like stubby, dirty claws glinting in the light from the windows. Her eyes are still shining blue, bright white pupils darting suspiciously around her as she eats. Even through the window he can hear her chewing, the audible chomping of a creature with considerable bite strength. And yet, it’s just a teenage girl sat hunched outside on the porch, dirty and sickly-looking and alone.

“Emma?” he asks quietly. “How old is she?”

A sad look comes over the woman’s face, and she glances down at the floor. “She… She’s only fifteen. Come away from the window, Paul, she’ll bolt if she sees you watching.”

“Fifteen?” he asks incredulously, but he does as she says. “Emma, you feed a kid on the porch like a feral cat?”

“The situation’s delicate,” she retorts. “Hanging on by a thread. It all has to be on her terms. We keep telling her to just knock if she wants to come inside, but she doesn’t trust us. It took weeks for her to even sit on the porch, it used to be that she’d grab whatever we left out and vanish as quick as she could without spilling it, and we’d find the plate licked clean by the fence in the morning. If we do something that spooks her, she might stop coming. Might even send some bigger, meaner friends our way. I wish we could do more for her too, but… at least we know she’s getting food.”

Paul nods slowly. He wants to adapt to this place, and apparently staying on the good side of the local teenage cryptid is a part of that. It’s a lot to take in, but as it stands he can only think of one question.

“I assume you don’t know her name?” he asks. “Since you call her Scarecrow.”

“Well. Her dad says her name’s Lydia, she says it’s Emily. It’s probably just her not wanting to be found, but we don’t really know what’s going on there.”

“Didn’t want to assume anything, y’know?” Ziggs chimes in. “But we thought, lanky scruffy kid who keeps turning up in our field? Scarecrow.”

“That… makes sense, honestly.”

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of the girl outside clambering back to her feet. Paul’s not sure what compels him to speak up, but he does nonetheless.

“Goodbye, Scarecrow,” he calls. There’s silence for a moment. But just as he’s thinking she might have slipped away without him hearing, those shining blue eyes appear, peering over the windowsill. Even though he knows those are the eyes of a lost teenager, they still send a chill down his spine.

“Goodbye,” she replies, in a mumble too audible to be a mumble. “And… Thanks.”

The eyes vanish, the porch stairs creak. And the scarecrow’s gone.

[hajimewhore]

Body Swap 👫 (Iwaizumi Hajime/Reader) ➸Rated T, fem!Reader, 1.8k words   ➷Humor, awkwardness, lots of swearing, more d*ck talk but mild mild nothing goes on, just very uncomfy, the secondhand embarrassment is real in there (like every part honestly)   ➷ Masterlist, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, ✈Part 4, Part 5

“Uh, this… isn’t what it looks like?” 

Come’s your kneejerk response to Tooru’s exaggeratedly disgusted expression, you can tell he’s about 0.2 seconds away from throwing a fit.

“I went out of my way to wait for you, because I’m that good of a friend, you’re welcome. But you were taking so long, I figured I’d come in and drag you guys out. So. can someone please explain,” he shoots you (Hajime in his perception) a hard look, “What the hell is this?!”

Tooru is flushed in the face, and though his stellar performance and comical gestures were entertaining, you balk a bit at his outburst.

It’s a bit intense, and you feel a nervous sweat down your back. You can seldom say you’ve been on the receiving end of Tooru’s anger, and your struggling to come up with the right words to save face.

“I can explain?”

And what you came up with turned out to be excruciatingly underwhelming, and the baffled look Hajime sends you tells you that he also found your response pathetic.

Being in Hajime’s body with your hands clutched at his skirt, pulling away as if the garment was crafted using hot coals the second Tooru made an entrance, You’ll admit... it looked highly incriminating, and you’re going have some painful explaining to do.

“Well it looks like you’ve got your dirty hands on my��bestfriend,” Tooru opts to refer to your actual self as his bestfriend, “What, Iwa-chan, can’t get any action? Trying to cop a feel before school? I didn’t think you were like that!”

He finishes the first segment of his rant with a huff. Under normal circumstances, you’d be appreciative of the rank up on his bestfriend list. Currently though, Tooru is getting under your skin, and as young man, you’re a little offended that he’s talking to you like that.

Tooru takes two strides (curse his long legs) across the threshold of your house, eyes narrowing in on you.

You glances to Hajime to ease the situation, he’s the only one that can say anything to help alleviate the situation.

Tooru follows your gaze, eyeing skeptically for an explanation. Hajime clears his throat, and you think you just might be saved. He’s always been quick to resolve altercations, whether its verbally or physically.

“....Hajime wanted me to wear my skirt shorter, but I said it was against school dress code.”

Hajime states as a matter of fact, and you gasp, what the fuck Hajime, but Tooru’s absolutely scandalized gasp overshadows your own.

“You asshole, that’s not—” 

Tooru is quick to interrupt you,

“You absolute heathen Iwa-chan! Who knew you’d turn out to be such a dog!”

Tooru snags your collar with a tight fist, and you instinctively wrap your hand around his.

Uh... you’re not gonna have to fight Tooru, are you? It’s Hajime’s body, so you’d gladly let him get bruised up as retribution for that comment, but you’re not too keen on getting punched in the face by Tooru protecting your own dignity.

“It’s not like that!”

You scramble for a way to dig yourself out of this one. Tooru’s locked his glare on you, exuding pressure.

“Then what is it like Iwa-chan?”

You glance from Tooru’s scowl to see Hajime’s smug expression behind him, your brow ticks at the sight of it. 

‘That little...’

Weren’t you just saying last night how excellent of an actress you were? Time to put that to the test.

You forcefully remove Tooru’s fist from your collar, adjusting your tie. Tooru allows you to gather yourself for a moment, scorn still etched across his features.

Averting your eyes to the side with a serious, contemplative gaze, you muster all the dramatics you can to pull off your next line. Internally, you think smugly that you must appear picture perfect for a drama noir film. If only it were raining too, that would set the atmosphere ideally. But an actress must work with what she’s got. 

Tooru seems decently invested in your dramatics, and Hajime is looking at you with contempt, as if he drank sour milk. Now that a pregnant pause has settled in and you’ve garnered the crowd’s interest, you sigh, long and wistfully,

“She never wears her skirt like that... I thought she might be struggling with her self confidence, so I was just trying to make her feel comfortable with herself. I’m such a brute though, I guess I got carried away.”

You cast your gaze sheepishly to Tooru, rapping your knuckles lightly against the top of your head to emphasize your point.

Tooru blinks at the explanation, takes in the information, considers the evidence in his mind.

His eyes begin to water, as expected, tears brimming at his long lashes as he spins around to pull Hajime (AKA you) into a bone crushing hug. He’s got a suffocating grip on him, all the while crying about ‘Hajime’s’ reasoning.

“I didn’t even notice! Forgive your stupid bestfriend, I should’ve said something too! How did I miss that?!” his dramatics always seem to up yours, Tooru is currently stealing best-in-show from you, “Waaaah, I’m sorry, you’re perfect the way you are!”

He cries into what he thinks is your shoulder, no doubt using the fabric to wipe his face, much to Hajime’s disdain. Meanwhile, Hajime is glaring hard and venomously at you for that bullshit display.

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’

He mouths, and you stick your tongue out, giving him the cheekiest expression he’d never want to see on his own face.

“Whew, alright,” Tooru straightens, clearing his throat and flicking his last tear off with the swipe of a hand, “Now we really have to go. Hike that skirt up and let’s get on with our day.”

He’s back to picture perfect Oikawa Tooru, no evidence of his outburst to be seen (asides from the wet spot on Hajime’s shoulder).

You try to grunt in agreement as casual and Hajime-like as you can.

For the sake of getting to school on time without any further incidents, Hajime pulls the uniform skirt up a tad higher, vowing to lower it when you fucking nuisances are out of the picture.

Your final class is almost over, and you’re feeling.... extremely uncomfortable.

Not because the school day went bad, no, you found it easy to converse with his classmates and teachers. Notetaking was relatively simple, you’re learning the same material as Hajime anyways.

You’re physically uncomfortable, and the pressure of your bladder about to burst is driving you crazy.

‘I can’t take it any more!’

You shoot your hand up, and your teacher gives you an odd look before you excuse yourself to the restroom.

You head to the furthest end of the building, the women’s restroom is generally vacant so the men’s should be the same, yeah? And you definitely don’t want to be caught in the women’s, despite how empty it could possibly be. So with a heavy sense of shame, you waddle into the men’s room.

If someone’s in there, it’ll be fine. Just be in, and out. No big deal.

Oh. 

Oh fuck no.

“Iwaizumi, hey.”

Matsukawa fucking Issei glances up to the door you just waltzed through. Matsukawa Issei, middle for the Seijou men’s team, tall and messy haired flirt, the same Matsukawa Issei that helps you with your blocks and techniques, friend of Tooru and Hajime... and he’s staring straight at you with a casual nod of his head. 

You try to return it as casually as possible, despite your bones and every being shaking in you. 

‘Fuck, I forgot men I actually know use the men’s room.’

“...Mattsu–” nope not Mattsun (so much for being casual, you almost fucked up the way Hajime refers to Matsukawa), “–kawa.”

He raises an eyebrow for the briefest second, before returning his attention to the urinal, unzipping his pants. Un. Zipping. His. Pants.

He doesn’t give you much time to dwell on the slip up, already entering conversation about how your day is, to which you give short response to, trying not to shuffle your feet to the urinal. You really don’t want him to catch on to your discomfort.

You heavily contemplate just going into a stall, but you think that might be weird for guys to do. Now that you think about it, isn’t it weird to piss in the urinal directly next to the other guy? If you chose one spaced out would he get offended? Goddamnit, you never learned men’s room etiquette. Screw this whole situation, and screw Matsukawa Issei for needing to relieve himself at this exact time. 

Well, it’s too late now, you’re already standing at the one directly next to Mattsun. You can’t exactly take your sweet time picking another urinal and shuffling about while Mattsun is here engaging you in conversation about his fucking math class.

If it was weird to choose the spot beside him, Mattsun doesn’t say anything about it, going about his business. 

Thankfully, if you could even be thankful for a situation like this, you’re so overwhelmed by Mattsun’s unexpected presence that it’s keeping your mind off the having-Hajime’s-dick thing. The discomfort is still there, but you have to pee so badly, you’re not too bothered by it at the moment. You’re also intently focusing on not blushing, willing the blood flow to your cheeks to cooperate with you for once.

Simultaneously, you’re concentrating on not looking at Matsukawa fucking Issei’s junk. You’re getting good at multitasking.

But apparently, not good enough. Your willpower wasn’t as strong as you thought, and your focus slips for a moment as you gaze down and–was someone going to tell you that Matsukawa fucking Issei was HUNG?

“Is there something wrong with my dick?”

You shoot your eyes back up to Mattsun, who’s tilting his head with a thick brow raised. 

‘Hajime, if you hear about this, I am so sorry.’

“Nope, it’s perfectly fine,” you respond curtly, before coming to the realization that Hajime probably wouldn’t like you telling his friends that their dicks are ‘perfectly fine’, “I mean, no. It’s seriously ugly.”

You cringe at your save, if you could call it that, and Mattsun (finally) zips up. He casts a momentarily offended look at you.

“I think you mean ‘seriously huge’.” 

He laughs deeply, heading to the sink. You completely agree with that sentiment, and you’re glad he knows he’s well endowed, but it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself.

You follow suit, laughing as sarcastically as you can without letting your voice crack. 

“Whatever, man.”

You proceed to have awkward sink talk with Mattsun, and upon exiting the restroom you thank the gods when you see his class is the opposite way to yours. 

“See you at practice.”

He waves, and when Mattsun is out of sight, you sigh in immense relief. 

Just how many dicks are you going to see before you swap back? You sob internally, returning to your class.

But that does bring up a point, Men’s Volleyball Practice. 

You’re marginally grateful for that encounter with Mattsun, because now you’re acutely aware of the locker room changing time before and after practice. 

You bury your face in your arms, taking note to sprint like hell and get to practice early. You’ll be damned if you have to spend any amount of time struggling to avoid eye contact with your friends’ abs, as well as Hajime’s other teammates'.

A/N: AHAHA the CHAOS. Anyways, we all know Matsukawa got that horsec*ck. Thanks for tuning in for this week’s episode of y/n’s awkward panic. Iwaizumi Is So Done. 

taglist: @cybergovl​ @thatoneoddgirl8 @keijikunn 

Masterlist, Part 5