#loooong post

[muffinsin]

Hey muffin! if you celebrate halloween are you going to do anything special? :)

I got another thought, the dimitrescu sisters + my little pookie Donna with a reader who is kinda like the headless horseman, i can just imagine reader just strolling around at night scaring the living daylights out of villagers an just lurks around in the forests 😭

-🏔️anon

Hey, hon! :) eh, not too much, just some good food, some scary movies and fun company🙌🥳

Oh, absolutely :)!

Masterlists

Bela

The first time she sees you is in the forest

Dark, in the middle of the night

She saw the fog appearing from seemingly nowhere, heard a strange noise in the darkness

It’s late already, but she simply had to get out for a little bit, overwhelmed by the seemingly never-ending work and responsibilities awaiting her at the castle

Never did she think she would find you

When she first lays eyes on you, she thinks this must be an illusion

The darkness

The fog

Some trick

But as she steps a little closer, she sees you properly

A figure sat on top of a horse, black as the night, in dark clothing

Lacking a head

The figure’s body turns to her instantly. Clearly, Bela has not been as subtle and stealthy as she would have liked

She doesn’t move, her golden eyes set on you

You too notice there’s something about this woman

She’s different from the villagers, evidently. She wears an expensive, black dress, a black tattoo gracing her forehead

And her eyes

Beautiful

Golden

What a stunning sight

Bela tenses a little as you move from the horse, gripping her sickle tighter

With the warm temperatures even at night, she feels not an ounce of worry you might best her, though

You walk towards her, curious almost

You sense her, feel she is…different

Dark, but, there’s something else

Raising an eyebrow, Bela watches as you come to stand right in front of her

She notes the sword you carry, her golden eyes flickering to it

She almost anticipates an attack, but finds herself looking somewhat adorably confused when you thrust the blade into the ground next to you, instead

She hopes your lack of a head means you can’t see her expression

Tensing up, she watches silently as you raise a hand next

Whether you’re bold or curious, it’s a rather stupid move to even attempt to touch a Dimitrescu

But Bela stands still, almost like a deer in headlights

So she finds this…person? And yet you intrigue her so very much

You sense only confusion in her, curiosity. You know she’s tense and ready to attack if you give her a reason to

You’re determined not to, for her head is far too pretty to be cut off from her beautiful body, you find

Bela almost flinches when a gloved hand sets on her cheek, her curiosity turning to sheer confusion

What…?

You don’t talk, don’t move much

She wonders whether you even can talk

Instead, your thumb traces a pattern at her cheek, rubbing gently as through intrigued by the touch of her soft cheek

She gulps, unsure what to do

“Who are you?”, she asks then, turning her head a little

Your hand drops, you seem to almost stare at her, your turned body indication enough even with the lack of a head

You don’t answer her

But she’s curious

“You’re coming to the castle with me”, she demands, gripping her sickle tightly. She anticipates a fight, sure that you will struggle

Ah…but her head seems far too beautiful connected to her body

And so, having no real plans other than to occasionally make a trip to the village, you give in

Only do you surprise Bela again, making her shriek in surprise and swarm partly when your hands set to her hips and she’s lifted

She holds onto your shoulders tightly, curiously inspecting your neck

No head, but a body

She’s sat down on your horse, blushing slightly and dismissing her sickle again

You’re no threat

You’re…something

Something intriguing

As time passes and you begin visiting the castle regularly, Bela and you get…closer

A lot, even

She finds herself falling in love with you, your sweet gestures, your polite nature, the mystery that clings to you, too

She spends every day with you when you visit, holds your hand in hers subtly underneath the table when you’re invited to dine with the family

No one knows of your feelings towards her, no one but her

And no one but you know her her feelings towards her

While her mother certainly likes you, likes that you bow to her especially, you both doubt she would approve, having always seemed like she preferred Bela’s attention to be on the business entirely

As such, the two of you have decided to keep it a secret

In the warmer months Bela sneaks out, seeking you out in the dark forest at night

You’d hold one another, find peace in one another

You’d pull her on top of your black mount, hold her to you

And Bela?

She’d lean into your touch, sighing happily

All her worries, far away

Both of your responsibilities out of reach, too far to bother you in this moment of peace

She’d stay all night long, sleep in your arms until she must leave and hurry back to the castle before her sisters and mother awaken

In the colder months, you find your way into the castle

You use the shadows to your advantage, the quietness

You’re sure Cassandra knows, but she never tells, never speaks of her older sister’s secret

Even when you feel her golden eyes bore into you when you sneak in every night, finding peace in Bela’s room until morning draws near and you disappear again

It’s your own type of peace, your own type of romance

Your own type of love

Just for the two of you

Cassandra

Encountering you first in the forest, too, she’s immediately intrigued

She only hears the sound of your horse at first, feels the cold mist that seems to surround you

Her dark golden eyes flicker to your headless body, wide

A new foe?

New prey?

New prey, certainly!

She doesn’t think much, doesn’t strategise or plan things out as her older sister might

No,

Cassandra pounces

You feel it coming already, but still are knocked off the tall horse when her body collides with yours

She snarls on top of you, frustrated when her sharp nails and sickle just won’t pierce the black armor you’re in

Her hair falls down her shoulders, perfectly framing her pale face. Her lips, pulled into a snarl, are painted black and are bloodied

You take notice of her sharp teeth, of her dark golden eyes

You’ve never seen a sight more beautiful than this

She’s bent on trying to kill you, certainly, shoving the tip of her sickle to the exposed stubble of your neck

You don’t feel pain- haven’t, in a long time

But you indulge her, if only to hear her laugh happily

You fight back, push and try to grab her but only ever catch fistfuls of flies

She’s still trying to slice past your armor, creating little silver streaks along the black

She’s laughing as she fights, sadistic humor evident in her voice as your black blood slaps against her face

You think, you might just love her

She fights well, evades your kicks and punches, even steps down on your palm when you reach for your sword

She’s beautiful, dominating in battle

Or she would be, at the very least, if you were mortal

If you felt pain

If your blood was what fuelled you

If you feared death

Still, you struggle for the fun of it, ensure you try, but never get too determined. You don’t want to command your sword to take her head

No, not this one’s

Not the head of this beautiful, mysterious creature

Not when she looks at you with such excitement

Cassandra’s riled up in the best way, laughing and clawing until your armor is pierced and her sharp claw-like nails can sink into your somewhat already decaying flesh

You don’t feel the sting, but once again indulge her by flailing, then staying somewhat still

She giggles, as though satisfied with her hunt

Your rising chest indicates you’re still alive, as do your small movements

You’ve given her a beautiful, beautiful hunt!

And you will be rewarded for it

Cassandra gasps when your hand suddenly rises again, tugging at her lower arm and tugging her down

Despite your lack of a head, she almost feels as though lips brushed against her cold cheek

She doesn’t move, doesn’t know whether that is because she can’t, or won’t

In fact, she almost seems to lean in, her eyes wide, an excited smile still on her face

She’s panting, and tightens her hold on your chest when she feels almost ghostly lips brush against her cheek again

Her nails dig in deep, as though she looked for your heart

You don’t feel it, only sense her growing excitement

You just don’t die

Normally, this would perhaps annoy her, frustrate her. Normally, this would mean her prey begins to hate her

But you don’t hate her, don’t pull away

You pull her closer still, even as your dead body bleeds

And you kiss her cheek, almost seem to feel her soft skin below your ghostly lips

She decides, you’re hers

You allow her to take you with you, guiding your horse lovingly almost. You’re draped over it, and don’t get up to sit properly

You know, she likes how it almost makes you look like slain prey

The castle is dark and quiet at night, so that not even a single maid is in your way

You’re brought to what looks like her room

Cassandra is fast, eager almost

She pulls you with her by a rope around your arms, your sword carried by her

She’s intrigued, curious

You feel even more so

Cassandra doesn’t attack you again, merely sinks her nails back into your chest, the part exposed by the broken armor

You don’t stop her

Instead, she watches with care as you bring your arms up, gloved hands grabbing at her petite hips

She allows it, even laughs in delight when you roughly pull her towards you

She’s flush against you, her nails in your chest, her eyes searching, as if your head will appear

But despite the lack of it, she feels ghostly lips trail along her face again when your body leans to her

And she allows it, closing her eyes even

An unusual display of the huntress

But she can’t help herself

You kiss her, and you feel at peace almost immediately, ready to conquer anything with her by your side

She feels similarly

The two of you kiss until morning, when you suddenly seem to disappear, leaving her almost wondering whether any of it was real

Ah, but you return each night, your horse neighing outside the castle walls, your footsteps heavy

And she always finds you, always tackles you onto the forest floor

And she leans in to where your head would be, where your lips would be

And she feels them, moans each and every night

Sometimes, the two of you spend your time like this

At other times you venture into the forest, hunting and scaring animals away, or you race through the trees, chasing one another

Some nights are spent at the village, where you terrorize the fearful villagers and bring them to their knees

And sometimes you’re brought back into the castle, back into her room, to her bed

You’re hers, and she’s yours

It’s all that has ever mattered

Daniela

The first time she ever encounters you is at the castle’s gardens

She hears the neighing of your horse, hears the terror-filled scream of a maid

Naturally, she investigates

And she finds the maid, running, crying, trying so hard to escape the headless rider behind her

Intrigued, she moves closer, eager to see more of you

What a strange creature…

She giggles, flinching back when the maid is right in front of her, only for your sword to come down and sever her head

Blood splashes into her face and she laughs in delight

With the temperature warm, she feels no fear at all

She can’t help but glance at you, can’t help but take in your black armor

Royal, almost

Perhaps, her savior? Her lover? At last?

You move from your horse, intrigued by the woman standing in front of you

She looks curious, sweet almost, and entirely too innocent as she swipes the blood from her cheeks and licks her fingertip clean

When you lean down, grab onto the head and at last stand back in front of her, she moves

Fast, so fast you nearly will your sword to take her head, too

She doesn’t attack you, though

No, instead you feel her fingertip trace at your chest piece, teasing, almost

She circles you, trailing her bare hands across your shoulders

Standing a little shorter than you, she swarms up to glance down on your neck

“What happened to your head?”, she asks, curious

You don’t answer

“Who are you?”, she asks

You don’t answer, but your body turns to her, as though equally intrigued by her

You tense up when she takes the head from you, eager to reclaim it

Ah; but she isn’t mocking

She’s playful, you realize

Giggling, she holds the maiden’s severed head up to where yours would be

She traces the lips almost lovingly, almost gentle

Like a lover might

But it’s clear she doesn’t know the woman; or at the least not enough to feel any type of remorse or sorrow at her demise

She keeps playing around a little, going so far as to lean against you completely

You’re surprised, shocked, intrigued

You decide: you like this cute, playful woman

When she carelessly lets herself fall after hovering above you in her swarm you catch her easily, holding her in a bridal style that makes her heart beat a little faster

You don’t miss this, certainly, and when her hands reach up to where your face would be, you allow her to feel the hint of a ghostly cheek underneath her palms

She coos, her eyes wide

Could this be love, already?

She nuzzles you, almost, content in your arms as though they were the ones of a lover

A little delusional, maybe, but you don’t mind

You lean into her touch as much as you can, your headless body turning forwards as you lean to her

She feels your cheeks, the fainted touch of your lips against her fingertips

But the morning comes fast, and she frowns when you let her down onto the ground again

Then, you do something that makes her shiver and blush sweetly

You bend down, onto one knee, hold onto her hand and when you lean down some more she’s sure she feels the faintest touch of lips against her knuckles

You take the severed head back, bowing one last time to the beautiful creature before you must take your leave

Ever since then, Daniela is over the moons! She giggles and dreams of you, spends every night she can out in the gardens

And every night you come for her, too

You trace her cheeks and kiss her gently, hold her and she’s sure you listen as she talks

Sometimes, she picks flowers with you

Sometimes, you bring her a bouquet of wild flowers found in the forest

When the nights turn cold, she waits inside, so sad you almost can’t take it

But you wait outside still, find your way inside easily when she opens the doors for you and shuts them fast

You can’t keep her warm, but keep her happy, at least

She giggles every time you lift her, spins happily when you indulge her and dance in the opera hall in the middle of the night

A fairytale

Her favorite one

Donna

At first she hears of you only

She thinks you might be a legend, or a children’s ghost story

Whispers reach her only

Whispers, of a headless rider and a black steed

Black as the night, strong, terrifying

They say, the rider kills and snatches, leaving behind only headless corpses

Naturally, she’s curious, yet her dolls never quite manage to find this mysterious rider

Eventually, she decides she wants to see for herself

Staying within her domain, where only she is strongest, she searches the woods at night, where the rider is supposedly out to look for their next victims

And for a long time, nothing

The darkness makes it hard for her to see, and even surrounded by dolls to keep their eyes and ears open, Donna finds herself oblivious to much that goes on in the woods

She’s no huntress, after all. A spectator, rather, she supposes

Still, after some time, she hears it

The hooves against the twigs on the ground

The silence, heavier than normal

She sees the fog, then, suddenly, a horse emerging from it

You charge at her automatically, your sword raised

But before you even get close within reach, the mysterious woman seems to turn to mist, appearing a good distance away among the trees

The horse is loud, untamed, confused by the pollen in this particular part of the forest

Donna watches, curious, as the mysterious rider is knocked off and the animal runs, abandoning its master for the moment

But the headless creature rises still, standing on slightly wobbly legs

You too are affected by the pollen, your vision blurry, the sword suddenly oddly heavy

But- this woman…

You feel burning curiosity rise within her

She’s dressed in black, much like yourself, yet her face is covered by a veil

Donna approaches you, so silent on the forest floor you almost think she must be floating

She’s close to you, yet out of reach

You can’t help but wonder whether she’s even mortal

Whether she’s even real

Donna looks you over, her curiosity sated at last

You’re not a mortal creature, certainly

But- you’re not above being affected by her pollen, either

She hums, as though satisfied, and if you could, you’d gasp when she suddenly disappears, leaving you by yourself again

In the following days, neither you nor Donna forget about the encounter

She remains curious, commands her dolls to be on the lookout for more of the hushed whispers

More cries of terror

More hooves stomping against the ground

But the village seems oddly at peace, almost

Then, she finds why

She senses you within her domain, slowly riding up the mountain as though to get to her

She doesn’t stop you, though, curious

What drives you here?

Curiosity, boldness?

Unfinished business, perhaps?

You tread carefully, though, don’t even stomp on the flowers grown in her gardens when you step from the horse

She greets you outside the manor, her expression unreadable due to the veil covering her head

You’re still missing yours, but your body is…inviting, almost

You aren’t tense, don’t grip your black sword as though your life depended on it

Clearly, you’re not here to collect her head

Quite the contrary, she finds

Donna gasps when you toss a bag to her feet, multiple heads rolling out and stopping by her feet

Still, you stand unmoving

A threat?

Or an offering?

She inspects them, finds all of them severed neatly from the body. A single swipe was all it took

Then, when you take a step forwards, she rises again

Unsure how to convey your curiosity and that you mean no harm, you’re left improvising

Then, in a show of trust, almost, you bend down to one knee

Donna watches, equally curious

You kneel before her, leaving your sword wedged into the ground

She walks slowly, more of a ghost than a person in case you change your mind and attempt to attack her

But you don’t, not even when she circles you, not even when she rests a finger on your shoulder

She trails her hand from your shoulder to your neck

If you could shiver, you would

Then, when her hand, cold, but gentle, trails a little higher you allow her to feel the faintest touch of a face

She can’t see, can only feel a chin beneath her fingers, your jaw and a cheek, your nose, your forehead, your hair

“I understand”, she speaks then

[aka-patsy]

12x02 Spyfall Part Two

[toyhousedramas]

obviously it's a loosing battle trying to get toyhouse users to stop and think critically (and to consider nuance) for a moment, but I need everyone in the "All ocs of one gender = sexism" debate to understand that:

a) we live in a patriarchy

b) exhibiting misogynistic behaviours does not immediately make you into some woman-hating evil caricature. You can be a normal person who thinks women deserve the same rights/treatment as men while also having some weird, subconscious ideas about them.

If you have a collection of dozens of Characters, where none of them are women (or where the women have only background/supporting roles) doesn't automatically make you a misogynist, but it does make it seem like you have some subconscious biases. Maybe the kind that make it difficult for you to relate to female characters or maybe the kind that make you feel as though women are just less interesting or something. This kind of perception does also subconsciously reinforce that you view women as an inherent "other" - even if you do not let it affect how you treat women irl, it's still not a good mindset to hold.

The unfortunate truth about this, too, is that you won't get out of this way of thinking by continuing to only engaging with male characters. You obviously don't have to do this by immediately going and creating a zilion female characters for your stories, but when consuming media maybe you should put a little extra effort to engage with the female characters. You won't ever grow as a person by never getting out of your one comfortable flower pot, so to speak.

This sentiment also obviously works for any other group. Swap female characters with, idk, queer or black ones and you can maybe see how never engaging with stories outside of what is personally familiar to you can be taken as a beige/red flag.

It also reveals just how much of a strawman the hypothetical-person-who-only-has-female-ocs is. There are certainly people out there who maybe do need to consider that the people more privileged than them are still people, and that they themselves are not somehow more pure or virtuous or "deep" due to their oppression, but they are a small minority.

Some of you just don't want to accept the possibility that you could be flawed individuals who have to put effort into changing their behaviours and ways of thinking.

AAAH Anyway rant over I'm sorry mod and I'm pre-emptively sorry for not addressing some minor nuance I cannot address due to this not being an actual conversation and just a tumblr ask. Amen. Goodnight.

People can play with their own dolls however they want forever.

There are trans people for whom having characters that align with their gender creates gender euphoria and having to grapple with female characters sets off dysphoria, that's understandable.

Some people have genuine trauma around women, that's fine.

I don't want to out too much about myself, but before I started HRT and went through extreme therapy to grapple with the abuse I went through (abuse so heinous I do not want to mention it here because it is genuinely triggering to some people, even some who don't have abuse or sexual abuse triggers) I didn't really have any female characters, doing so was genuinely a trigger, and since ocs are meant to make one happy at the end of the day, I was not inclined to make anything that did not bring me joy.

In the end, no one on Toyhouse is creating mainstream or big name media, and no one on Toyhouse is obligated to serve others representation, perhaps someone only finds men attractive, is that shallow? Perhaps, but I don't think that shallowness matters in the case of a singular individual playing with their own dolls in their own dollhouse.

To be frank I do understand and agree with a lot of what you've said here, but I also think that a lot of what you've said here is flawed, and I know you acknowledged you ignored some nuance, and in this case it's nuance that has to be mentioned if it's to be a conversation at all, and not just another unhelpful blanket statement people feel the need to argue with out of pure instinct.

The thing is, you're not wrong that people should interrogate their habits and patterns. You're not wrong that socialized behavior doesn't disappear just because you consciously reject it. But I think the issue with the way this particular topic keeps getting brought up is that it’s too often framed like there’s a moral failing inherent in having all male OCs, and that always ends up flattening the conversation before it can even begin.

A Toyhouse user with 37 anime boys and no girls isn't running a studio. They're not gatekeeping a franchise. They’re likely a mentally ill twenty-something drawing the same three guys they’ve had since they were 14 because they can’t afford therapy. That doesn’t make them immune from critique, but it does mean that the critique has to be scaled appropriately.

Because the goal isn’t to catch people doing something wrong so we can collectively point and sneer at their pages, it’s to help people reflect, if they want to. And you don’t encourage self-reflection by telling people “you’re suspicious and maybe a little sexist for this,” especially when you don't know them or why they make what they make.

The only people who are going to meaningfully take in this critique are the ones already capable of introspection. Everyone else will just hear “you’re bad” and either disengage or get defensive. So while I absolutely agree that creators should try to stretch themselves, engage with stories outside their comfort zone, and reflect on patterns that might point to internal bias, I also think a lot of the people doing these callout-adjacent posts need to accept that not everyone is going to want to, or be able to, do that at the same pace or in the same way. And on a site like Toyhouse, which, again, is not a publishing pipeline, is not a media incubator, is literally a place where people make little guys in private and trade them for money, that context really matters.

In short: yes, people should reflect. No, making only male OCs doesn’t make you a villain. And no, people are not going to get better at reflection if they feel like the point of critique is to catch them doing something wrong rather than inviting them to consider something new.

Asking people to challenge themselves is good. Framing it like a moral failing if they don’t do it in the exact way you want them to is what kills the conversation every single time.

[swifty-fox]

I’m curious why you’re anti-therapy? Personally I’ve never done it and you hear a lot about people going to therapy and how everyone should do it but not a lot from the opposite perspective

(Personally I’m skeptical of therapy and I’m genuinely curious because often my skepticism feels unfounded and people are weirdly touchy when you say that)

since these are so similar of asks I',m just gonna answer both lol.

First and foremost, medication and therapy are life saving care. My brother would not be alive without his antipsychotics, without the care of hospital staff and his mental health team. My sister would not be able to function and succeed in life the way she does. My closest friends would not be where they are without all the hard work they have put into therapy and the care of their therapists. You can ask any of my friends on tumblr and they will tell you I have always encouraged medication and therapy as an option Never in my post did I say they weren't. I said personally for me, I dislike them.

My blog is first, and foremost, a place for me to post about my personal life views and opinions and I stand by that. I was medicated from the ages of eight to eighteen, wherein I was abandoned by my psychologist and left to detox off of vyvanse, wellbutrin and prozac all at once (all dangerous to quit cold turkey) I was put on multiple medications as a child despite being, for all intents and purposes, a very mild case of both adhd and depression. This deeply affected my ability to feel emotions, to the point it would be my family reporting to my care team how I was feeling and behaving any given week because I didn't know. It affected my ability to experience sex, sexuality, sensuality, explore my body at the times when I should have started to do so. It left me emotionally numb, unable to eat to the point I was the same weight for a decade. I was let down by the adults and professionals in my life.

As an adult, because I was alread diagnosed, I was able to access and dicatet my own dosage of adhd medication as a way to exploit the system in order to manufacture disordered eating in order to lose weight. This slipped under the radar of both my therapist and psychiatrist. This medication also affected me to the point even friends at the time who hadn't seen me in years said, yeah, your personality is unrecognizable.

Medication, of the six different types I have been on, has never worked for me. It is frustrating to have to have this battle with every therapist because it is always their first and last solution, with the undercurrent of 'well I cant help you unless you are on drugs' and I simply don't accept that. Medication is support it Is not a fix and it is treated like that by so many therapists and mental health professionals.

And to therapy, I have been through seven therapists in my life and go into it with them being confident of being able to help me, and end with the message of 'well there's nothing seriously wrong with you, but also you're beyond my qualifications to help.' This has ranged from councilors, social workers, people with doctorates and masters and an array of years of experience. I am both an easy case and impossible to help. I've been posited as having autism, as having bpd, and then both retracted with a shrug.

I believe that we overmedicate people rather than deal with the root issues. Therapy, real therapy, is majority inaccessible to the people that need it most, and most people are not equipped to deal with people with serious mental health conditions. I have seen the system let down countless people.

When I say me personally, I mean I personally have deep, complex, negative feelings around medication and therapy.

To Gale, and Cicada Season. Again, this fic is for me. I love that people love it but the reason I wrote is because I almost ended my life last year and have only recently started talking to people about it. I had nobody on my (metaphorical) bridge; I didn't have a therapist, I didn't have medication. So I wrote a fic where Gale gets those things and those things work. And medication isn't for him. He's going to go off his medication because he doesn't like it and that's just fine! He can learn skills without it.

To first anon! Therapy works. with the right person with the right credentials with the right style. I am less anti-therapy for myself (cause damn I keep trying it) than I am anti-medication. But I have found myself frustrated, lost, forgotten and slipped between the cracks and the one style that everyone thinks might help me I cannot afford. And often it is a cycle of getting an expensive test done, and then getting no answers. Rinse and repeat. It's frustrating, it's isolating, it makes you feel uniquely sick in the head and broken and confused about what your own reality and mental state is. So yeah. I have little interest in pursuing further therapy at this time. But it can be beneficial to people. It just has not been to me.

and to the second anon, I am glad those things saved your life. They negatively impacted mine and I am allowed to talk about it, I am allowed to discuss how sometimes it feels weird to write about it so positively, when my own experiences are so opposite. The world is a spectrum and so are people's experiences

[senblades]

Who are your fav persona 3 people!!!

[cracks knuckles] I'm glad you asked

So! I don't actively /dislike/ anyone in the p3 cast, but some of them definitely speak to me more than others:

First things first: Ryoji. Love that guy. He's so silly. And so tragic. And he makes me sad. (Like holy SHIT I wasn't expecting a reprise of his song in the stage play on December 31st but it TOOK ME OUT) (also Ryomina my love)

The whole Shinji, Ken, and Akihiko trio ALSO lives in my head rent free... two idiots and their son. love them. I've been desperately scouring for Akishinji content and between that, Ryomina, and Shuake, I've come to realise that my shipping habits seem to boil down to "doomed yaoi" HAHA

More on Ken, I have a LOT of thoughts about how he and Akechi would interact and (likely) get along. Whether that be in the p5 era or a situation a la Throw Away Your Mask. (Or, something I've yet to find: Akechi with no time travel shenanigins getting in on the p3 plot. You can bet THAT'S a longfic idea I've got rattling around) (Also the half-brothers headcanon is super fun. Especially when combined with Futago siblings. Congratulations, Shido! All your kids are persona users, and they all hate you! :D)

Aigis! She's just. Infinitely charming. She'll say something that will absolutely take me out and then turn around and say something devestating HAHA. I also think that her and Ryoji's social link and linked episodes respectively do a LOT of thematic work in the story. Death himself and the girl that can't die, both trying to figure out how to live (y'all that shit's METAL)

Strega are so interesting to me... I don't think they're perfect villains- I think their motivation is underexplored and a bit choppy, but ASIDE from that, I really like all three of them as characters. Idk why Jin is so funny to me LMAO he's so in love with Takaya and Takaya's just like "k. met your quota yet?" (But, also, some of Takaya's lines definitely imply that he cares about Jin too, but doesn't let himself acknowledge that at all due to his whole "attachments are weakness" shtick, another thematic point to contest his ideology, as he is actively denying himself happiness in pursuit of some idea of salvation)

Chidori- I like her well enough. Some of her lines really did make me smile, but I think she's another case of "underdeveloped" (I actually read Throw Away Your Mask before I played p3r, so that fic did a lot of the heavy lifting for my like of Chidori (and, by extension, Jundori) i think)

Which leads nicely into: Junpei! He's da man. Nuff' said. HAHA if you can't tell, I love Junpei. Awkward dudebro stuff aside (though it's occasionally part of his charm), I really love his development and personality in general. I really love how all the "bro" characters across the modern three persona games, while fulfilling the same archetype, are all distinct in personality and motivation and I love them ALL

Mitsuru is quite interesting to me, but I think she might be a case of "I wish her social link was about something else". Personal preference of course, but I kind of wish that it focused more on this intense guilt she seems to have for things that a) weren't her fault, and b) happened when she was 7 or younger. THAT is a super interesting mindset to explore, imo, though I did find her social ineptitude charming haha

Yukari... I think that she might grow on me more later. I can feel it in my bones. I suppose I'll find out with The Answer dlc! I know broadly what happens in it, but I haven't actually seem a playthrough of it, nor do I really know what happens to all the characters. I think my opinion of Yukari might have been tainted slightly by everyone having such strong opinions HAHA- I definitely like her, but I don't think she's clicked just yet. (I did really like her social link, though!) (also Yukamitsu I love Yukamitsu. The lesbians aren't doomed! Good for them)

Okay this is going to upset some people probably but Koromaru isn't really much of a character and I keep forgetting about him LMAO. uh. he's a good boy?

Fuuka... I really think that she's just underdeveloped. Her social link didn't really do her any favours in my eyes (I'm SO glad that atlus cut the "girl learns to cook" social link in p5 HAHA i really didn't like it with Yukiko either) Her social link obviously isn't just the cooking shenanigins, but it overshadows the bits of character growth that happen intermittently. I think that her SL really would have benefitted from being more about her love of electronics, if anything, since that isn't explored AT ALL and is more a plot device than a character trait. (Plus, the root of all her self-esteem issues go unadressed, which I think would have been a good character beat otherwise) (In saying this I think Fuuka/Natsuki is very cute. The lesbians stay winning in p3)

Makoto/Minato! Honestly, I was pretty neutral towards him from the majority of the fics I had read before playing p3r. I really like his characterisation in Throw Away Your Mask and The Twilight Wants Him Back, but those had been outliers in my mind. I started liking him more and more after playing p3r, and NOW, after having watched 1/4 of the p3 movies- oh boy. boy oh boy. I really like him now HAHA. Having his apathy actually effect his realtionships with SEES early on is super interesting and I love when it's done. (plus, I think Yukari hating him at first really strengthens their friendship later on)

Uh this post is already super long so for all the other plot-relavant characters and confidants I'm just gonna say "it's a secret" and melt into a bush or something

(tysm for the ask! You can tell I was waiting for an excuse to talk about this HAHA)

(btw y'all shoud read the fics I mentioned in this- they're excellent)

[bukkuobujiendo]

[Meta] Tsukishima’s Fullbring: Book of the End (pt 2)

This was a question I was asked once before, on my old blog: Why didn't Tsukishima's Fullbring 'affect' Grimmjow? (in CFYOW) I've given it proper thought and I will explain that more in depth here, now!

In CFYOW, Tsukishima cuts Grimmjow with Book of the End, which typically rewrites a target’s history and inserting his presence into their life, creating a fabricated relationship that alters their perception of him in the present. However, despite this, Grimmjow continues to want to fight Tsukishima. Some readers interpret this as evidence that Tsukishima’s powers don’t work on Arrancar, but this isn’t the case. Tsukishima himself isn’t surprised by Grimmjow’s reaction, and his lack of shock reveals a deeper understanding of both his abilities and Grimmjow’s nature. The key lies in the fundamental difference between Arrancar and more human-like beings. Hollows and Arrancar are inherently closer to wild animals than humans. Their behavior is driven by primal instincts—aggression, survival, and a desire for dominance—rather than deep emotional bonds or reflective relationships. Even within their own ranks, we see Hollows attack allies or engage in power struggles (e.g., the Espada or the Tres Bestias). Their hierarchy is based on strength, not sentimentality. Because of this, even if Tsukishima implants a fabricated history where he and Grimmjow were close allies, Grimmjow’s behavior is still governed by his instincts, particularly his desire to fight. For a power like Book of the End to have a profound effect, there needs to be an emotional framework or relational context that allows Tsukishima’s manipulation to take root. Grimmjow’s nature, however, is largely devoid of the emotional depth necessary for Book of the End to alter his behavior meaningfully.

The Mechanics Tsukishima’s Book of the End operates by rewriting the past, creating a shared history with the target that alters their perception of their relationship in the present. However, it doesn’t rewrite a person’s personality or core nature. This distinction is critical. Tsukishima can fabricate memories of camaraderie or loyalty, but he cannot override fundamental instincts or emotional drives. In Grimmjow’s case, his aggressive, battle-hungry nature remains dominant, even after Tsukishima’s intervention. While Grimmjow might register some sense of familiarity due to the rewritten history, his immediate desire to fight overrides any fabricated bond. This is why he continues to attack Tsukishima. The fabricated relationship doesn’t resonate deeply enough to influence his behavior, as his instincts—rooted in his Hollow nature—remain unchanged.

Grimmjow's Resistance Grimmjow’s resistance highlights the inherent limitations of Book of the End. The power excels at manipulating individuals who are shaped by emotional bonds and reflective relationships, such as humans or Shinigami. These beings have the capacity for sentimentality, loyalty, or emotional conflict, which Tsukishima can exploit by altering their history. Arrancar, however, operate on a fundamentally different emotional wavelength. Their actions are driven by raw instinct rather than relational depth. As creatures of survival and aggression, their emotional landscapes lack the subtlety or complexity necessary for Book of the End to fully take hold. Grimmjow, in particular, embodies this. His relentless drive to fight and dominate is central to his identity as an Arrancar. Even if Tsukishima rewrites their past to create a history of friendship or alliance, Grimmjow’s primal instincts remain unchanged. The fabricated history can’t override his immediate desires, such as his lust for battle.

Limits of Book of the End This encounter with Grimmjow underscores an important limitation of Tsukishima’s Fullbring: it manipulates history but doesn’t fundamentally alter the essence of a person. Tsukishima can rewrite the narrative of someone’s past, but he cannot change their core personality or instincts. For example, if Tsukishima creates a history of deep friendship with a naturally distrustful or aggressive person, their fundamental traits will still guide their behavior. They might acknowledge the fabricated bond, but their actions will remain consistent with their inherent nature. This is why Grimmjow’s reaction makes perfect sense. Even if he recognizes a false sense of familiarity with Tsukishima, his instincts drive him to fight. His personality as a battle-hungry Arrancar isn’t something Book of the End can manipulate, as it doesn’t rely on the emotional or relational bonds that Tsukishima’s power exploits.

Tsukishima’s encounter with Grimmjow demonstrates both the fascinating potential and inherent limitations of Book of the End. While the ability to rewrite someone’s history is incredibly powerful, it’s not infallible. Its effectiveness depends on the emotional and relational dynamics of the target. For beings like Grimmjow—whose nature is defined by primal desires and instinct rather than emotional depth—Tsukishima’s power has minimal influence. This distinction highlights the nuanced interplay between personality, emotion, and manipulation in the world of Bleach, showcasing how even the most godlike abilities have their boundaries when faced with the unyielding force of a person’s true nature.

(pt. 1)

[lanitaps]

Been thinking about TZ safety ever since reading that detailed French article about Z’s cyberstalker. What stuck with me is how this man was able to have her real time itinerary in detail, and how he sent her thousands of digitally altered pornographic images of herself, horrific threats of kidnapping, rape and murder. I realize that stalking comes with the territory as a public figure but it feels so wrong to me that this is so normalized. It feels so gross that this man dares to defend himself by saying he has mental health problems. As a mental health professional myself, it boils my blood when violent misogynists (and other -ists) use mental illness as a defence for their deplorable behaviour. This man is a violent misogynist who happens to have a substance abuse problem and mental illness. People with mental illness are MUCH more likely to be victims of violence as opposed to perpetrators.

As a TZ fan, I’m starting reflect more on both of these two humans and my participation in the fandom. I am also starting to feel much more protective of them both and Z in particular. I don’t want to participate in any activity that would directly or indirectly bring harm to them. I see how painfully uncomfortable Tom is when he is followed and photographed by the paps. I will never forget the day Tessa died and he looked so friggin sad as fans were shoving requests for photographs at him…or when he took a walk earlier this week and looked so worried. We joke about how much he hates this side of Hollywood but what if this deep discomfort is just evidence of how worried he must feel on a regular basis for his own and her safety (chances are he might be even more worried about hers). It makes me feel very uncomfortable to see him this way. Maybe I’m reading him wrong.

Now with a new addition to his little family with Z, it’s making me reflect even more deeply. I’m glad that they have a beautiful new member of their family who will also be protection for them. I’m so happy they have this option, and deeply sad that they need it. What it says to me is that they need 24 hour protection now which does not make me happy at all.

I know many people in the world as we speak are not safe and these two have the resources to protect themselves as needed. I just lament that the more joy they bring to the world the more unsafe it becomes for them to live their lives freely.

[rocky-clouds]

Fuck it. Long post incoming, which hopefully will be my final shit on this whole drama. Below the cut, read if you want.

While yes, you made the tpc tags kerf, that does not mean you can try and gatekeep somebody out of another tag they made. If you don't want to see somebody in a tag you made, just block them. You do not have to gatekeep a tag of a community they are in, it just comes off as rude.

Also, this next bit is directed at both you and cintagonisupset, if you did not want a debate over something you posted make it clear on the post otherwise others will debate with you about it. Also, you both intruded on a conversation between two blogs. Yes it was on one of your posts, but you were not involved in the conversation. You could of handled this situation very differently, but you didn't.

You two instigated the whole drama just by wording a request wrong and then going out of your way to harass those with a different opinion to you, while yes you most likely had your reasonings behind it... it most likely isn't a good enough reason to have done what you did.

Next section? Cintagonisupset, this is mainly about you now.

From what I've heard, you've been an absolute dick to a multitude of people and from the confidence of others speaking up from this current drama, they're speaking up. Not to mention, you haven't given your side of these new issues. So, I cannot even be in your side for all this drama from the hole you have dug yourself into here. Karma is collecting your debts, and OH BOY will it be messy. You did this to yourself, nobody can help you now.

Dulcetmoony, don't think your getting off the hook either.

You had said you were willing to talk it out with those you affected, only to apologise and then block goldy before they could respond. You weren't involved from the start, yet you jumped in anyway to defend your friends. I get that, but you could have been WAY MORE civil about it. But you weren't, and here we are instead.

I'm willing to tear into myself here too., I know I'm not above what I've contributed.

I got involved, I sent an anon hate ask which I still regret even though the one I sent it too has forgiven me for it. I got involved by sending the information to prettybeegkittykat via some asks, therefore "stirring the pot" [captain-kretsnik's words, not mine] more then it already had been. I caused myself to loose a mutual over this, however in my eyes? I shouldn't be blaming myself for a good portion of this, yet I am. Plus, I had been planning on creating art for captain-kretsnik at some point. Never got round to it.

Finally, a message to all involved.

This could have been handled alot better then it was, but now? Now we've got to deal with the pit we all helped dig, and karma will not let it go by cleanly for some. This is one deep pit, and it appears it might go deeper. I've already tried to fill in my contribution to this hole, both with the two past posts relating to it and now this one. I hope you all can do the same.

[randomdoodlesgobrr]

Catching up on doodles for a fanfic I'm writing in hopes of regaining my motivation to write again. Chapter 12:

This one is also a bit decent. I call it: "What the Eyes Perceive"

Aaand back to being a mess...

+ bonus "Wing Tamer"

Why am I making a ferocious beast of a wyvern act like a cat?

I want a cat...

Also, here are different versions of the first pic in case the snow or bbq hat doesn't vibe with you.

And maybe someone wants to see this. I dunno.

I'm trying to replay Engage on an emulator this time, with some funky mods and doodads. Hopefully, that helps inspire me to write.

That being said, school did start again...

Oh well. Thanks for reading this far! Have a great day!

[twilightknight17]

Last night on P5T: We start the DLC at last, jet-set into a twister of nonsense, find mice instead of squids, and I freak out a bit over Satanael~

If you want to skip me ranting about the Velvet Room, scroll down to the big bold text. XD

Look at him. He’s beautiful. And he knows megidolaon!

But my Quest for Satanael, I feel, has exposed another flaw in this game. It’s not a problem if you’re just playing straight through, but if you’re my dumb ass and you want to finish the compendium/obtain Satanael/forge the best weapons, it starts to become an issue.

Fusion is expensive if you’re pulling things out of the compendium. You need personas of specific levels to fuse the weapons, and obviously the best weapons are very high level personas, which won’t drop during battle. Special fusions like Lucifer, Chi You, and Satanael have five or six components each. The cost can be mitigated some by using personas obtained during fights, but in that case, you lose skill options if you’re trying to pass on a specific one via fusion chain. (I can’t imagine trying to get a specific skill on a high-level persona in this game. Ugh. At least megidolaon was a base skill on one of Satanael’s ingredients.)

Which brings us to the actual issue: there’s… no good way to get money in this game.

Money is purely obtained from winning battles. There are no bits and bobs to sell, no money from releasing unneeded personas, nothing. Which means that if you are trying to raise enough money to pay for your multitude of weapons and high-level persons, you are going to be replaying prior battles.

A Lot.

The battles in the final kingdom give around 10K yen, from what I can tell. That can be boosted to around 18K if all three party members have a sub-persona with the “Easy Money” skill. In comparison, personas like Michael and Lucifer (components of Satanael), cost somewhere in the 20-25K range to call from the compendium. You need Michael to make Lucifer in the first place, so you’re going to have to summon him from the compendium at least once.

I don’t know if I did something wrong or inefficiently or what, but I spent the whole game feeling like I barely had enough money for the things I wanted. New weapons often broke the bank, and I wasn’t always using Easy Money because I wanted to actually take specific skills or personas into battle. By the time I was trying to get Satanael, I was basically grinding the same mission multiple times in a row because I knew I could finish it in the least number of turns. It's a little disheartening after unlocking all the endgame bonuses and tricks in Royal and racking up hundreds of thousands of yen in one go to spend on fusion.

That’s not even counting the fusion accidents. The first time I went to fuse Satan (also a component of Satanael), the forge exploded. That probably should have been my cue to start save-scumming, but I didn’t. I assumed that special fusions were immune to fusion accidents. They are not. I placed all of Satanael’s components in the forge and it exploded, wasting least 30K yen.

In hindsight, I probably could have loaded the autosave. But I honestly forgot that the autosave was happening. I always saved manually when I stopped and didn’t worry about anything else. But that’s not the point.

The point is that Satanael should not have been able to explode. X’D

(Side note: fusing Lucifer got a special animation. It’s the only one so far. Why just him???)

But yeah. My compendium still isn’t done, and I’m not even close to the best weapons. I kind of want to take them into merciless mode for NG+, so that means going back and grinding more. But not right now. Right now, we’re off to Spray Paint Land.

It’s time for DLC!

We begin this chilly November late afternoon/evening/whatever with more Quality Morgana Faces.

It has to be November, because Goro’s on the team at this point. Plain and simple. There’s literally only like a 3-week period this can take place in. Akira receives a text from Sumi that says she wants him to meet her in a nearby alley. I guess she was on her way to the cafe. But Morgana says that he knows when to mind his own business, and to call if Akira needs anything.

Call what phone, Mona? Are you gonna answer the cafe phone? Just admit you wanna nap.

Wait. Wait. Morgana. Wake up. The plot is happening. Wake up!

Well, I suppose that means Goro isn’t the artist. He wouldn't have had time while all the Okumura stuff was happening. All these sad mice, tho. Very strange. And isn’t Guernica the artist from Ib? I went on a classic RPGMaker horror kick a few weeks back. I’d watched Angels of Death a while ago and really liked it, and so I watched playthroughs of Ib and Mad Father for the first time. Ib was good, Mad Father was… mediocre, I think.

...oh. That’s Guertena. Neeeeeeevermind.

So, Sumi wants to show you a mural of Arsène being eaten by a giant rat. Which is… not what I was expecting the mural of Akira’s persona to look like. As they puzzle over how the hell a picture of Arsène ended up in a random alley in Yongen, Goro also shows up, ready to investigate.

…...I swear to god, Atlus, why is he the only one who you won’t call by his first name? Also, how is he here to investigate? How did he know about a random mural in the backstreets when everyone is busy paying attention to the giant one on the security building?

He asks if Sumi and Akira had anything to do with this mural, then laughs at Sumi when she gets all flustered by the question. They speculate on the artist’s motives for a bit, since Guernica’s identity is unknown, and then Akira hears a voice calling for the Phantom Thieves from inside the wall.

This made me laugh very hard for inside joke reasons, but Goro assures Sumi that there is no way that there is a person trapped in that wall.

But the mural starts to glow, Arsène disappears, and everything and all of us start getting sucked into the rat’s mouth. And I love and appreciate Sumi dearly, but… none of us are safe here, and you have had your persona for like a month. I should be protecting you.

Joker arrives in a spray-paint covered cityscape, and I already love this place. Holy shit the colors. We’re immediately thrown into a battle, and shooting the little dudes throws paint all over the ground around them. Hehehe. It’s like we’re in Splatoon or something.

...oh. I was joking. But we ARE in Splatoon!

When you’re standing on the enemy’s color, you can’t do anything. No attacks or skills. So there’s definitely an element of strategizing here. I really like it, even if I did die on my first attempt because I was figuring out how it all worked.

……Lavenza, I appreciate the classic literature, but you’re scaring me just a little. XDDDD

Anyway, Joker gets surrounded, the other two jump in to save him, and we get a minor pointing Spiderman meme of “wait, you have powers?” It’s also a little silly because Sumi’s idle stance is a constant pose. Your arms are gonna hurt.

Sumi clarifies to Goro what happened in the Palace when she awakened, and he’s just glad she can fight, even if she’s not formally a Phantom Thief. He clarifies that he is only sort of kind of a Phantom Thief for reasons that would take too long to go into.

...my dear, that is every situation involving these two.

But no, this is completely unrealistic. Goro would have at least a question or two about a random Palace that just spawned somewhere. If this game doesn’t imply that he asked something before January…….

They hear screaming, and a have their first encounter with a non-hostile denizen of this world, who collapses in Sumi’s arms, begs for help, and explodes into paint, leaving Sumi concerned and traumatized. X’D

Goro reminds her that these are cognitions, not even bothering to hide how confident he is in his knowledge about the metaverse, and the trio follows the continuing screams to a mouse massacre.

A crazed woman with a parrot is just gunning down vast amounts of cute mouse people. Paint is going everywhere. It’s insane. Even Goro is put off by the sight.

Meanwhile, Sumi refuses to stand for this and just goes right up to confront the problem.

The bird’s name is Jerri, and I had to message Po in the middle of this, because I was having a crisis.

I can’t unsee it. Help.

Anyway, this is Guernica, and she wants to paint the walls with our blood!

Fortunately, everyone is rescued by a mysterious hole opening up under us, and we meet our savior.

Well… one of us is.

This is Luca, and she’s so happy to see us, because she wants us to help Guernica. Apparently, she was different before Jerri showed up. She felt a kinship with the Phantom Thieves and their quest against corruption. Now, she has strange powers to "peer into people's hearts", and her art can… basically cause a variation of a psychotic breakdown.

Apparently her mental state is fucked because someone stole her Treasure (the first piece of art she ever made) and broke it into pieces. The memo section says, "She was driven to carnage by the theft of her heart's core, prompting her to go on killing sprees in the Metaverse." Which has some WILD implications that I doubt the game is gonna touch on. X’’’’D

Luka also takes us to see this world’s version of the Arsène mural, which is… gruesome? Like, there’s bones sticking out.

Apparently this art was Guernica’s last cry for help before she snapped completely. And she knows what Akira’s persona looked like because of that power to “peek into people’s hearts”. It’s a bit wobbly, but we’ll go with that for now.

Guernica’s “first statement” is in three pieces, so we’re off to retrieve the first one. And I love Luca already.

Jerri wants us to hand over Luca. I might have considered it if she didn’t call me a mop. She claims she’ll send us right home, but that sounds like bullshit.

Also, shoutout to Goro for using his “real” voice here. Time to get dangerous~

It’s nice to hear, because I actually find myself missing abrasive, snarky third-sem Goro compared to the Detective Prince.

This whole thing is such a wild vibe of Splatoon, TWEWY, and Jet Set Radio. The music is fun, the aesthetics are top-notch, and so far the levels have had that extra level of challenge of working with the paint mechanics. It’s really great.

Luka’s ability is creating “manholes” to warp from place to place, and Goro is quickly getting tired of having to jump down them. XD

Our hideout is basically down in the sewers. Luca fished new weapons out of the trash for us, and there’s no Velvet Room, so I guess we’re stuck with whatever sub-personas drop during the battle stages.

We get to have a fun conversation about bouldering, and I caught Goro blinking in the picture, but he actually looks genuinely surprised that you’d want to come try his hobby.

I love the mental image of the three of them going rock-climbing together.

And then, tragically, the Switch ran out of battery. But I’m loving it so far! This is a fun side-story, even if I am a little skeptical of how they’re going to justify everything when they get back to the real world. I’d need to go watch the beginning of January again, but I’d swear there was explicit dialogue that neither of them knew the other had powers beforehand.

Oh well. A thought for another day. Right now, we wonder what kind of disguised god named itself “Jerri”. XDDD

[arthurtristankingsmen]

Small things I think I'd like for myself, a non-exhaustive list:

- Be engaging and fun to watch the streams of, enough to build up a small group of people who want to watch my streams regularly. so whenever I do one, I have people to converse consistently with in the chat and connect to

-improve my art enough that I can do more interesting and dynamic poses and produce cool pieces faster. It'd also be rad if i got to a point that people might tip me for the chance for some of my work, even the silly doodles, not just because they're my buddies (though I will never not appreciate the kindness of friendship too <3).

- Write again, whatever I want. Write the characters I want to. Create for myself, or to share with others, both art and writing, but without the expectation that anyone *should* like it. It's okay if it's just me. I'll love it enough for everyone. Notes don't matter to me already, but i need the same mindset about comments and engagement, where they're icing on the cake, but the cake should be mine to enjoy the process of baking.

- fight to become kinder and more patient again. I feel like I've lost myself because of traumatic events and some abuse over the last few years, and I'm not as good at being someone worth being around as I used to be. I burned out and I've struggled to be as understanding or to say things right, and I've fallen on too-teasing humor. I need to change, to joke in kinder ways than playful jabs that could accidentally go too far, and to find that gentler version of myself again, while maintaining boundaries. I can be honest and say what people need to hear, but I won't be blunt, I'll take the extra minutes to say it with compassion and sympathy and understanding. I want to be a safe space.

- Learn you can't help everyone. I know I want to, so so bad. But there are times you can't, and accepting that is better than feeling helpless and getting upset. I can't do stuff like donate to everyone who needs it every time, when I don't have anything to spare. I can't give up all of my mental spoons to help someone vent about a stressful day, when I'm barely hanging on by a thread. I can't keep telling myself that my life has no point and It's too late for me to be okay, so the only thing i can do is be of service to others and help them live better lives than me. It isn't too late for me, and my sacrifice wasn't asked for and it doesn't make me a hero or 'good' that i'm willing to do that. I have to kill the egotistic part of my brain that thinks my suffering for that kindness is "noble", and not something that would make the people I'm helping that way feel guilty for taking from me, if they knew. Give what you can spare of yourself, but leave enough to live with. No one wants others to set themselves on fire to keep them warm, and if they do, that isn't a relationship to maintain.

- Stop putting emotional energy into people who won't listen to the advice you give. instead of saying the same thing over and over again and getting resentful that they don't listen, just let them be. sometimes people need to stumble and stand up on their own to really learn for themselves, and it isn't worth all the energy you might try to give, just because you feel it'll help them, especially if they don't truly want to listen.

-You can't fix everything. it's exhausting, and a little too much ego to think you know better for everyone, and it's controlling to try and take over to help someone like a parent they never asked for, even if your intentions are only ever meant to be good and helpful. People are in charge of their own life, and they'll figure their stuff out with time, whether it's learning to listen because of realizing it would've helped a different time, or through trial and error. Keep the advice to people who ask for it, or it actually seems to help, and conserve the energy you'd spend on the people who nod along but never follow-through, so you don't end up feeling frustrated when they don't heed it.

-related, but stop putting as much energy into relationships that feel one-sided. Find people to talk to, to have fun with, and stop investing so much in relationships where almost all of the emotional energy is yours. You can't be the one who always tries to carry a conversation just to see it drop off. If they don't have the energy for you, or you're not a priority, that's okay. We can be friends, and still have nice talks and you can still care about them deeply! But try to prioritize relationships that make you feel you are worth listening to and engaging with, for yourself, rather than the ones where others zone out when you start talking when its not something they care about or are fixated on, or those who only engage when they need a sounding board, or drop off every time you try to engage them. All of these things are fine to do on occasion, don't get me wrong (i do it myself, it's human and not something to punish yourself for) but if it's almost every time, it's okay to feel undervalued. And it's okay to want more, and to focus on the relationships where we prioritize each other more consistently, and listen and engage with each others' interests more equally, both the ones we share, and the ones we just want to talk about with someone. Try not to guilt others for these things because it is natural, but if you need more, you need more, and it's okay to focus your energy where it makes you happier to be, rather than feeling bad the space you're in isn't meeting those needs.

-at the same time, be aware you are not beholden to all of your friends' energy and time. Sometimes, they will not have the energy or spoons to hang out out or talk, but that does not mean they don't love you or spending time with you. Try to be patient and understanding. Sometimes, they will do things without you, with other friends and that is okay, too. They are their own people, and they are allowed to exist outside of being around you, even with other friends. It's alright to feel bad sometimes about missing out, especially if it seems to be about maliciously leaving you out, or about avoiding you, or what you missed out on feels big and important. but it is okay for people to engage one another without inviting every other person they know every time, including yourself. Sometimes, a big group is too much for one person, sometimes they just want one-on-one time--- a friend group is not a singular unit that you are breaking by hanging out with friends separately. While everyone getting to hang out is great, you're allowed to have friendships that don't overlap, and you're allowed to hang out with friends who *do* individually, and everyone else you know is allowed to do the same. It's fair to want to feel a part of things, but it is not a terrible thing for others to enjoy time with just one friend, and it doesn't mean they don't like you or enjoy your company too. it's okay to be disappointed, but try to remember that, and try to find ways to accept it, like making time yourself for special hangout time too, or acccepting that whatever they were engaged with will still be fun for them now, and being okay with being late to the party, so long as you get to join in.

-try to become more positive. Not in a toxic positivity way, but it's okay to curate a space where everything wrong isn't the focus all the time. Being online is an escape, and while it's healthy to vent sometimes and work through problems or tough stuff, it's also easy to fall into consistent negativity, and people exposed too long to that will burn out. It's good to be able to tell people how you feel and communicate, but you need to learn to sometimes sort through things on your own, and try to also be a source of good and energizing feelings to balance out the tough stuff, and strike that balance. talk to people where you can just have fun, and be a source of support and joy for others where being around you ends up with them feeling good more often than sad or hurt or bad. you're not responsible for everyone's feelings, but you can always try to be someone you'd want to be around more, too. Find the things that bring you enthusiasm and be loud and supportive of people you care about-- it doesn't have to be every time, but try to be the person you want others to be for you, who make you feel engaged and listened to and like they care. Take the time to find the words that will mean something to someone, and make the effort to say them, you never know how much it will mean.

-BUT check your ego. Just because you take the time to say something kind because it might mean something to someone else, or to be supportive and listen, and to be that person that you wanted someone else to be for you--- *doesn't* mean that the people you interact with have to be that for you. You are not entitled to them changing for you, or engaging you how you want, or supporting what you make just because you made it. Sometimes tastes or things are different, and that's okay. You are not owed that, just because you do it for someone else. You chose to do what you do, to become more positive because that's the kind of person *you* want to be. it shouldn't be because then they might give you what you want. Friendship is not transactional. If that change does happen, that's great, and you might become closer for it. but you cannot expect that, or make them into what they want, because they are real people. so changing with the expectation that if you try harder, so will they, is unfair to put on them, and will end in disappointment if it doesn't happen.

-if what you really want is something different than what you are given, it can be talked about, if you want to see if it's possible for the relationship to change for your needs. but it's their right to say no to changing anything they do. And it's your right, if that happens, to instead focus on the friendships you have that already suit your needs, or to find new ones, instead of staying in a position you're unhappy with. try to communicate, and/or find the connections that work better for you.

-Communicate better. It's always good to keep trying, and keep getting better at it, even if you think you're already pretty good at. Never assume people know what you're thinking or how you're feeling. If you feel bad and are starting to feel resentful over something, step up to talk it out. just like you aren't in charge of someone else's feelings, they're not in charge of yours. If you feel a certain way, the ball is in your court to engage with someone and figure out how to address the issue, for both of you to resolve it, or understand what's going on. Do your best to figure out and frame things as 'us vs the problem' rather than you vs them, and do your best to be honest, but kind in communicating. Try to be sympathetic and understanding of their side, but don't let their side invalidate your feelings entirely, unless something is cleared up that makes you feel better. Even if you can understand where they're coming from, that doesn't mean what you feel doesn't matter. There are ways to acknowledge what happened without just going with them being right. You aren't doing yourself or them any favors by bending down and just agreeing with them to avoid conflict, that only leaves more hurt feelings and resentments down the road.

-At the same time, though, sometimes it's best to hold your tongue. There are some people who cannot be reasoned with or spoken to, and in those spaces it is best not to waste your energy fighting. Try not to put too much weight to the words of someone who you fundamentally disagree with, it's okay to choose not to engage for your own sanity or safety.

-get a remote job, so I can afford food and rent, so I can not hurt my disabled body just trying to have the money to survive with, and I can give gifts to people I care about and help my friends without worrying about what I have left, and I can afford to pay off student loans still looming over my head.

-write rp again-- I miss it so bad, but I am holding off until I get a job so I don't get sucked in and forget to be responsible. But its a goal to get back to it the minute the other part is handled.

- pay better attention. Try harder to not adhd away when someone is talking. Find methods to be an active listener, or make sure to apologize if I slip up, and show I want to hear what I missed, so the other person can feel listened to.

- take better care of my physical form. I need to eat, and to exercise and get sunlight more. Even if I have to work up to it at my own pace, it is something I have to pursue and choose to commit to, and I want to do better than half-hearted. I don't want to be bed/house-bound, unless it is something I don't have a choice in. Do what I can without causing harm to myself, and understand where my limits are.

-Keep going. Keep going. Keep going, it can get better and it can get worse, but you have to find the reasons why it's worth it to be here to ride out the lows. Keep going. It's okay, people love you, people like you being around, you'll be okay one day. Keep going. I love you.

[groovygianni]

Living in America anxiety venting under the cut (long and depressing lol)

oh my god I've been trying so hard to just focus on things that make me happy right now, but everywhere on every platform it's just more and more bad news and I'm fuckin terrified. Everything feels like it's getting worse and cause I'm not able bodied and y'know...poor as fuck, I feel like I'm on a possible chopping block.

Which really sucks cause I'm trying so hard to find things to keep living for, and I understand I still have it much better than most. I'm not homeless, I have a job for now, and that undeniable white privilege.

I'm also not really super vocal about social justice and civil rights, like yeah I try to keep myself educated and share posts about that kinda stuff, but I'm not going to protests or posting essays myself, so it's like like I would really be deemed as an "enemy" in a way, but it's the fact that I listen/watch/read from those who do make those posts and videos and it's def in a way that algorithms on social media platforms have picked up on.

I'm also poor and I'm forced to work while waiting to see if I'm even approved for SSDI, cause if I got fired or just stopped going to work, I'll def be homeless. I'm a part-timer, I can only handle 3 days a week and that's even too much for me if I show up all those days.

Me and my mom are the black sheep of her side of the family, they're all upper middle class conservatives or upper middle class libs (that are landlords that own multiple properties), like I have to make my mom swear to me she won't out me to my Q-Anon uncle who I haven't seen in person since a Christmas party in 2019, cause I genuinely don't know how he will react and that terrifies me. I'm not gonna let myself be outed to someone who was in the military and owns multiple guns.

So that means we don't have access to that privileged shield the rest of them got, cause my mom was considered tainted when she was a child and by coming from her, I got that "curse" on me too.

But me and my mom have a strained relationship as well, obviously I'm pretty vocal about it, and that sucks, because we could probably live together and be our support net, especially with how things are looking and I'm not sure how either of us are gonna fare in the coming months/years. She's under the impression that college is the only way to get a good living in the future, but expects me to just "push through it" and go to college and work at the same time cause she's under the impression I'm a neurotypical person that just refuses to "apply" myself.... like I said, our relationship is strained, and I'm sure me being trans made that even worse.

My other family is, well, dad died when I was like 9, and then that whole side of the family treated me like I was the plague bringer, and I'm not even that upset these days cause I did snoop on my cousins Facebook profiles and yeahhhhh.... we would not get along and they might hate crime me. Unlike my moms side, they're like...peak white trash republicans. The trailer park is lowkey my birth right but with company like that... I'd rather keep my distance (nothing wrong with trailer parks, would actually be open to living in one in the future if conditions are right).

The only other family I got is my 2 older half sisters that I only recently got into contact with and with that, it makes my view of my mother even more tense (they're from our dads previous relationship, my mom was kinda like a mother figure to them), and even then we're still fucked! We're all still poor working class folks, and it's even worse cause my oldest sister has stage 4 lung cancer, so she's finally back in my life but who knows for how long now! And my other sister lives states away so I wont be able to see her regularly, and we're both kinda...fucked up from our sisters diagnosis, her more than me cause they're only a year apart and grew up together, they're very close, I mostly spent a lot of time with them in my childhood but that was always filtered through my mom, I wish I was closer with them but that's another reason I'm lowkey not happy with my mom right now.

I don't have a lot of friends irl, just my coworkers, who are older than me and I'm reminded that even when we get along they're still cisgendered white heterosexual men so it's hard to fully connect or even feel 100% safe around them, I don't live in an area with a lot of interesting (TO ME!!!) stuff going on, and once again my mom kinda frequents a lot of spaces around here so I don't wanna go somewhere and feel like I'm at risk of bumping into her and then all the awkwardness that comes with that. Also, I try to be nice to my neighbors but I'm still at the default just an awkward smile and little wave and just try to get to my destination as soon as possible, and the neighbor I do run into a lot who lives literally right across the hallway from me, I don't know his name, I only know his dogs name, I saw a peek into his unit once when the door was open and he has a big ass Don't Tread On Me flag and a Trump flag, and sometimes if I see him walking around the block, he'll wear a MAGA hat, so not really someone I wanna open up to (still at default friendly but all conversations are basically "how about that weather huh?" type shit)

As for online friends, I do talk to some folks but I just feel like I can't fully connect with people, after me and that ex-friend had our falling out in September 2023, I just feel like I'm just kinda in a limbo state. I don't blame her for how she ended things, I was a really shitty friend and that kinda contributes to why I'm so solitary now, it sucks and it hurts a lot but sometimes I'm afraid to open up and get attached too much and I don't wanna repeat toxic behaviors again, also as much as I feel like I've changed I do catch myself sometimes falling back into those reactionary thoughts sometimes, I guess the fact I catch them and snuff them out now is a form of growth but they're not fully gone and I hate that. I'm aware at least I'm major hypocrite and I hate that fact I'm like that and I wanna change to not be hypocrite, that's why I still talk about proship/anti discourse here and there cause that shit did NOT help and also contributed to me being a shitty friend. So, there's growth and I'm aware of it and give myself a little pat on the back, but I don't wanna get too comfortable and I feel like I still got some growing to do.

With that, I'm also just afraid to fully open up to folks now cause of how fuckin weird I am now, I've always been weird just with different levels and phases you know? But I'm a furry now, I got some dark kinks, I say weird shit unprompted sometimes, I have a lot of thoughts about things and tend to bring up depressing topics and break bad news to people, I'm very much a dark cloud of a person, you can blame that on the fact I got into goth shit as an elementary schooler or the fact I've had a lot of bad luck throughout my life and it tinted my world view. Either or but still. I also been through traumatic bullshit and unfortunately that made me fuckin weird. I'm also into politics now, like I said earlier, I'm not apart of any movements really but I'm like a quiet supporter that tries to keep in touch with things going on currently and also look into history, and I know that's not fun for people, as my ex best friend put it, I'll spend a whole night wide awake researching things and as soon as someone opens the door for me to talk to them I'm like "HEY GUESS WHAT??? PEOPLE SUFFERED!!!!" and I totally understand when people don't wanna be around that.

Not to mention the trans stuff, that made things a new layer of weird, once again I'm still an average white American, statistically I'm the easiest thing to just look past and forget about and that's fine, but I'm also still very woman-shaped and still have the bits to make and hold a baby and that's also def given me some weird trauma about growing up as a woman and then transitioning into a dude in my later half of my 20s. Which that also makes me feel bad, cause other folks that are also trans are like, either younger than me, or they started transitioning when they were much younger, I didn't realize I wasnt cis until I was 25 and then at like 27 then I realized I was a trans dude, my ex best friend was very supportive of me and I appreciate that and I also miss that, my mom still isn't very supportive, in fact she regularly deadnames me and misgenders me and keeps trying to affirm that I'm just a "straight girl" with the fact I identify as a gay man.

My other online friends are pretty accepting, and my coworkers are too luckily (minus the whole being reminded that they're still cishet men), my job tolerates it cause I'm sure they're afraid of a possible lawsuit, which is funny like, you think I got suing people money?? lol

but I switched from the testosterone gel to the injectable testosterone, I thought it would be easier cause with the gel you have to put it on daily and the injections are once a week, and I've been trying to get over my fear of needles in preparation. But it's been about a month now since my last injection and that's cause my stupid hands start uncontrollably shaking so bad that when it comes to pushing the plunger down to inject the medicine, I can feel the needle wiggling around in my muscle and the last time I did it, it was a bloody mess. I try looking up advice, and all that their is, is tips that I tried and don't work on me, "it's okay to do it scared! 👍✨" inspiration posts, and other trans folks talking about how they get their best friends or romantic partners to do their injection for them, and once again it just reminds me of how isolated and alone I am.

All my clothes are still feminine cause I don't have the money really to fully replace my wardrobe, even my gender neutral work clothes, I'm still seen as a woman by everyone else, I still default to my super femme customer service voice when at work and talking to customers, the testosterone did give me some facial hair but it's at the point I think people look at me and go "oh that poor lady has a mustache" or "damn this bitch is ugly" cause I still look like a woman to most people and that doesn't feel good. I know everyone on here is all about being happy to be fat and hairy and ugly and but I don't like it!!!! I wanna be comfortable in my fat hairy ugly body but I can't stand the fact everyone sees me as a woman, I wanna be at the level that I can pass as a dude with gynecomastia but because of my stupid thing with needles it's not gonna get to that point and with how things are looking in America, i might even have to get up transitioning in general, I'm sure my mom will love that. (but pretend to feel bad cause I'll be upset).

But yeah, being pretty solitary when the country is descending faster in fascism is a really fucking bad feeling, I'm already on a list cause I'm in the medical system, I got on health insurance in the past view years and I'm trying to get as much dealt with as I can cause my health has been mostly ignored for a good chunk of my life. It feels like after getting out of that traumatic fucking relationship, I finally got the resources to try to adjust and heal, but now it feels like it was a 30-day free trial, I've never been actively suicidal, like, I haven't had a full plan set up and never mentally prepared to go through with it, but I have moments where I wish I was never born or better off dead, and Ive been trying to not backslide back into all that but if there's no future to even try to fight for then what the fuck am I just doing here? Just sitting around and wasting space or waiting for the inevitable (either natural disasters, ww3/nukes dropping or straight up getting hunted like in 1930s Germany) and I fuckin hate waiting for the inevitable, I'd rather just get it over with.

Once again I'm aware I still have privileges, my status being mentally ill/neurodivergent and queer doesn't erase the fact that I'm still white. I could easily just de-transition and mask as a cishet white woman that keeps her head down and goes to work, I'd be miserable but if it was that or going into some death camp, I think I'll go for the unhappy but still alive option. I'd want to at least be fucked up on a shitton of pills like them old school house wives but that's a whole other can of worms. I'd really rather not, but I don't think I have the spirit to keep going in an extremely dire situation, I have already dealt with a horrible situation, wasted a whole decade of my life to that, and I don't think I can do it again.

I can't just leave America. This is still my home, hell, even before the election I was dead set on moving down to New Orleans, Louisiana, but I didn't cause I know with the political climate and who I am, it's safer to just stay put in a blue state and in a blue city to just move to a red state but still in a blue city (cause cities still gotta go with what the rest of the state goes for). Even if I could leave, a lot of places don't want autistic immigrants, I don't have friends that live in other countries that I could just shack up with and get a visa or whatever, also I'm terrible at learning new languages, I could just hop the border to Canada, but once again, I don't have friends outside the country, and I don't have the money for that big of a move. I'm trying to focus on moving to the city next door so I can at least be closer to my sister and hopefully have better access to things that actually go along with things I'm interested in or stuff I'm actually in (like more queer focused events).

Closest I've gotten to connecting with someone after me and my ex best friend had our falling out ended with a guy getting way too obsessed with me and that felt like a weird situation of me trying to be social and I got met with someone throwing a brick at me. Which made me miss my ex bestie even more cause I feel like if we were still friends, I would have immediately ran to her for advice and someone to just talk about it with. But that's not a thing that can happen and is something I gotta deal with on my own now and it's all my fault it's like that and I gotta own up to it.

I've killed the habit on lurking on peoples blogs/pages now, but I still had the urge to check that guys tumblr before he ended up deactivating it and he was talking shit about me, saying I was whoring out my fursona (cause he was jealous of the fact I was getting commissions involving my fursona) and he said that he hopes my own self made hell destroys me and how he will be laughing as I'm going down....real...weirdo behavior. All cause I wasnt sure if I'm ready to have a serious romantic relationship right now. Also yelled at me when I told him he really needs to get help because I can't help him and obviously he needs a professional for that, but also I understand that's something people need to figure it out for themselves but he was in the wrong for thing someone as fucked up as me could "save" him.

Honestly that situation taught me to stop whining about being single on the internet and has closed me off even more. I'm gonna bitch about being lonely but that's more universal with the fact I don't have close friends or a real community to fall back on. But, man, what the fuck, I'm still processing it and sometimes I get a little spooked cause I'm not sure how things would have gone if we lived closer together. You're gonna let a pathetic loser like ME make YOU nearly kill yourself?? The fuck man??? Def needs help but that's out of my sight now and....we move forward. Can't dwell on it or I might fuckin spiral.

Also I hate the fact that I've never had a good romantic relationship, everything was either not that serious, dumb kid bullshit and then the 10 years of hell I experienced with a fucker named goddamn EDWARD, my mom was single during my time growing up and told me a bunch of horror stories about my dad and other men in her life that lead to me actually fearing men until I was in high school and immediately fell into fuckin EDWARDS arms (I was on alert for date rape-y jock type guys or douchey wannabe rock star guys, mom never warned me about fedora wearing weeb guys who are way too into both Japanese and British cultures), never even seen real life examples of healthy relationships cause either I was just surrounded by misery or the good examples were so far away that I never saw them regularly. Mom mostly told me if I got with someone, make sure they're like how Gomez treats Morticia in the Addams Family, which I guess isnt bad advice but they're fictional... not real. Sure I can keep watching those movies on repeat but it's not gonna make them my real life family members I can aspire to.

I also hate that it wasnt until around the time I had that friendship fall out was when I started considering the possibilities of me being okay with having kids. I never wanted kids until then, the older I got the more I accepted if I did date, the person I'm dating might already have a kid or some kid's from past relationships or whatever. I'm still suspicious of it, on one hand, I've been getting more comfortable with how being trans defiantly affects a lot of things, and the fact I always dreaded the idea of "MOTHERHOOD" but now the idea of being a "seahorse dad" makes me more open and accepting of it, but I'm still suspicious of it, am I open to the idea of being a trans father and willing to put in the time and effort to raise a child and give them a better life than I did.... but I also had these feelings within the same time frame of my ex best friend taking the time to think and then send me a goodbye message and unfriend me on discord. Do I want kids? Am I just lonely? I don't want a kid if it's only because I'm just lonely right now and if I did do that, then I'm just asking for that kid to be just as fucked up as I am. Cause while that wasnt the reason my mom had me, the fact we were so close when I was growing up and now I'm super weird in social situations and I know she didn't help with that. I don't wanna do that to a kid, I also actually wanna be in a stable relationship and be in a pretty okay spot before I even do that, I need friends, I need to try dating to even get to that point.

Also with the way the country is looking, is it even ethical to bring a kid in the world right now? At least to poor/working class queer parents? And I know people will be weird about the fact I'm trans, I have no idea what would my future partner be like, but since I'm gay and trans, they're probably gonna be some flavor of queer and masc (I'm into cis and trans dudes and masculine presenting nonbinary folks) and I don't think I'm gonna hit the jackpot and marry some rich dude, they're probably gonna be within the same class bracket as I am too, more likely also some flavor of ND too, I'm sure people are gonna be weird about the queerness and the fact the kid is being born to not rich and not neurotypical parents. Honestly if things keep getting scarier, would I even have the ability to have kids? Are they gonna start fully sterilizing queer folks eventually? Or will they still see me as an ugly woman with working parts and make me have babies whether I want to or not? Or will they sterilize me or just have me euthanized because I'm autistic?

I'm very scared of the future of America, I don't have it in me to fight in a revolution, I don't wanna wait in fear of a possible violent death, I don't wanna have to learn to survive in either neo 1950s America with more techbro shit or red white and blue striped fascist hellscape where folks either like me or folks that are labeled as not important to those in power getting rounded up and either put into some camp or deported for being an enemy of the country.

I want to find things to look forward to, I want to enjoy things that make me happy. If I did kill myself a long time ago I woulda never have seen the movie Sinners, or I would have never taken money from my tax return to get myself plush dolls of video game characters I love. I wanna stick around to make art and see art but oh my god how long is that gonna last? If they do that widespread obscenity ban, then that means I can't post art anywhere anymore, video games will probably get fucked, music will suppressed, will anything from foreign countries be permitted into the states anymore? I gotta way around 3 months to get those plushies, they're coming from a plush maker in Vietnam, when she's all done, will she be able to ship them to me without any issues??

I was also thinking about maybe doing survival sex work if things get so bad for me physically and I can't physically do my janitor job anymore, will that even be an option? I know I'm not built for full service/in person sex work, so what else would I be able to do? Luckily it's still a "maybe" path, but it's only depending on how things go in life.

I know it's conspiracy theory territory but this is what it looks like to me, they want people to become so desperate that they can get in the prison system and boom! free slave labor! and the ones that can't do anything like that, they just wanna kill them off. If you can't be exploited, you're better off dead in their eyes. And I don't like that possibility, cause I will defiantly die, if I can barely handle janitor work, I would not be able to handle prison labor.

Also, I'm white but I live in a pretty diverse city, there's a lot of POC in the area I live, either people born and raised in America or immigrants making their way around here. If shit gets really bad, what does it mean for the people I work with? The people I walk pass, share public transit with, etc? Are they gonna be able to keeping living here? Will they be able to keep their jobs? I don't really have friends but the people I do talk to are mostly all white, I lived in pretty predominantly white areas growing up, I even was lowkey kinda racist growing up too, tho I never really said outright "I hate black people" it was more "I hate that rap/gangsta shit" and my ex boyfriend was one of those people that thought saying the N-word was funny. I never got into hardcore racism, honestly when I went into my Gamergate pipeline/rabbithole whatever, until I saw the mask off racism, that's when I finally backed out of it became critical....and eventually lead to the person I am now.

Yes, I almost fell down the Gamergate pipeline back in the day. Like I said, I was a piece of shit.

Since I've always been into history and just researching random shit, I've been trying to learn more about Black American history and culture, not in a "I love Black Twitter lol/I sat my white ass down and listened" tho that second part is kinda true lol, but in my own time I try to take in all this information cause I think it's important, I'm American, this IS American history, and just cause I'm not in any academic settings doesn't mean I should stop learning and keep going through life with just what public school taught me.

And with all that being said, I'm fuckin terrified of the future, not just for me and my personal life, but that that means for other people in this country, communities that I'm not even apart of, I'm so fuckin terrified. Like, oh my god, are we gonna be hard launched back into the Jim Crow era?? but with more tech bros and ai bullshit?? and 4chan lingo?? i don't know and that also adds to the fear cause what does that mean for people in more marginalized communities? Sure I'm poor, mentally ill/neurodivegent and queer, but I'm still white. People will look at me and see my last name and go "Ah, based Viking genes" or some weird shit and move on. Like, shit isn't great in America now, but how worse is it gonna get?? The main targets seem to be anyone labeled an "illegal immigrant" which mostly targets people from Central and South America, or just anyone brown. Muslims cause America still has a hardcore hate boner for anyone seen as Middle Eastern, and with all the shit going on with Israel and hardcore bloodthirsty Zionists are def fueling the fire, and of course trans people cause of the whole "think of the children" narrative and it's easy to label the "other" as a sexual predator to get most people on board to wanna eradicate them, honestly when I finally realized that, I've been more skeptical of people when they say "kill all pedos" or when people label a visibly queer person as one, because it's turned into a dog whistle, like is a real child/children being hurt or was someone existing as a queer person within the same vicinity of a child??

Also, I feel like.... idk, I know it's been baked into the crust that makes the united states of America, but I feel like anti-blackness has been more mask off lately?? like, I heard of this term called "black fatigue" earlier this month. You know what I thought it meant? Black Americans feeling exhausted and burnt out from the constant racism that's everywhere in American life, from personal interactions to systemic shit. But no, that's not what it means. Apparently, it's for white people to use when they hate seeing black folks exist in public/celebrate things or whatever. Like there was footage of a school graduation and all the graduates were happy and celebrating, and the footage got in front of bunch of racist assholes and started calling KIDS CELEBRATING GRADUATION ghetto.

Moments like this makes me miss my ex best friend, cause she's black, she's very aware of everything, but if I was saying this whole vent/rant to her in a discord call, she'd cut the tension by editing a pic of my sona with the stereotypical Hotep stuff on and go "u rn" and while it would be jarring to be on this rant about fearing the future, that shit would make me laugh. I do miss her, and I gotta move on, but I do remember the good times a lot and she's also a citizen of America so I've been worried about her with all this shit going on. Last time we talked she got a government job and has a bf/finance' with Mexican family members. Idk how things are now, since a lot can change in a year, but yeah I just hope her and her loved ones are alright.

Anyways been typing for like 2 hours. I'm afraid of the future, I sometimes hate being a left leaning person cause it makes me more afraid of the future but you wont see me switching sides and if I do, assume I got some really bad brain injury or some shit. I wish I could do more to help but I'm virtually useless. Though just cause I'm useless, I'm trying to educate myself on these things cause in the end, I still think it's super important.

I didn't even get into that brain dead black woman they still have hooked up to machines to see if they can make her fetus go to term and that's been haunting me since I learned about it. That fetus better die cause women, uterus owners but specifically black women/uterus owners are so fucked. That fetus does have a very low chance of surviving tho, it's just drawn out medical torture for it and her family and her SURVIVING CHILD. But I'm also afraid the fetus might make it cause with how shits been going lately. Adriana Smith deserved so much better, and stupid anti-abortion laws killed her and are dragging her family through this.

I'm scared of the future but wanna see if good things in the future and I love my alone time but being lonely hurts so bad.

[dinodogs]

Hi!! so theres a lot of negativity going around lately and I really wanted to share my experiences as someone who essentially grew up as a furry, and attended a lot of cons in my youth.

I went to my first con at around 11, chaperoned by my mom and a friend. I went in a shitty home made fursuit that fell apart a year later, but I was sooo proud of it at the time. I think about that con experience a lot, I think its probably the best one I'd ever had. Despite me being very visibly young, I was treated with respect. I tried to stay out of the way and not be an annoying kid because I'd heard con horror stories. It was the first time in my life I felt truly welcomed by a community, I was allowed to participate in games and panels and it was such a wonderful experience. Around the time of the fursuit parade I had no idea what to do and was really anxious tbh. I couldn't bring my friend with me, she had been my rock through the few rough patches of the con, and I was kinda stranded not knowing what to go or what to do.

A group of older furries ended up coming over and volunteering to chaperone me through the parade. No, they were never asked to do this, they willingly volunteered and its still one of my all time favorite con memories. They took me through the parade and made sure I made it back to my mom and friend safely. I honestly think about them a lot, I dont know any of their names but I hope they're all doing well now.

That con was a huge turning point in my life, after spending a whole weekend hanging out with others and having fun and meeting people I got really into creating furry art and art in general. Not to get all corny, but the furry community is the only place growing up that I felt like I truly belonged and a large part of it was that con being so welcoming.

I didn't get the chance to go to many cons after that, that con is still the only out of state furry convention I've gone too, i went to some comic cons but I didn't get the chance to go to another furry con till I was 16 and a local con opened up. I had so, so much fun at that con too. I was a bit older and a bit more mature so I got to take part in the community even more, and despite being younger I was treated with the same respect I was when I was even younger. This time I went with my aunt and the same friend from before.

It was just as great of an experience, this time I even had a less awful fursuit, and theres sooo many stories I could tell from that weekend. The only bad experience was when an older adult invited my friend (also 16 but to be fair she looked 19) to an 18+ room party, after which we both got stickers that stated we were minors on our badges.

Its so incredibly important to have space kids can just be kids, where young furries can take part in the community and feel welcomed. I get it, kids can be annoying, and I get that some parents try and shove the responsibility of their kids onto others. Which sucks and I've actually had happen more then once, but just because some kids misbehave or some parents suck doesn't mean every child or every teenager deserves to be barred from a space thats supposed to be welcoming.

I get wanting to party and discuss adult things but yall have your spaces. Its what room parties and after darks are for. I get cons (especially on in vegas of all places) being 21+, I very much see the benefit of a lot of cons being adult only, but barring kids from the space just feels sad. yknow? Kids are humans too, kids deserve to have fun weekends and spend time with their friends and dress up as giant animals and hug and take pictures with their favourite fursuiters.

It just makes me sad to think i could've missed out on such an amazing experiences cause some adults dislike kids or can't handle being normal around them.

[ebonytails]

Based on this tweet lol

[ryssbelle]

Drew a bunch of Marinettes in a bunch of different artists styles it was a lot of fun!!

Artists who's styles I mimicked: @buggachat @hamsternamedmarinette @ladybeug @sabertoothwalrus and @anna-scribbles all epic artists 🤟😎

[daddysbrokendyke]

from today (06.01.25) until 12.01.25, the notes of this post will decide how long/how much i edge

1 like - 1 edge

1 comment - 2 edges

1 reblog - 5 edges

the amount of notes thos post has by 12.01.25 is how many days i'll be denied for - no cumming until both are complete