#makes it way easier to avoid scrolling for hours on end

[hoodieimp]

So it turns out one of the unforeseen side effects of getting rid of the tumblr app on my phone is...not spending as much time on tumblr every day. Who would've guessed

[syoddeye]

Bookworm. Ghost x Reader. cw: cyberstalking, abrupt ending a/n: to borrow a phrase from early, a brain hairball.

Simon hates being idle.

It leaves him feeling off, a knife left out in the rain. Rusting creeping along the edges, the weight uneven when you finally take it back in hand. Twice the effort to get it in killing shape again. That’s what leave does to him. Makes his skin crawl with the need to move, to do something. And this bloody physio appointment won’t scratch that itch.

His shoulder’s still not quite right. Stiff in the mornings and aching when the weather turns. Makes it impossible to train without spending forty-five to an hour on the floor, sweating and cursing. He’s been putting off the appointments, avoiding them outright. Gritting his teeth through it, but Price caught wind of it. Told him if he skipped another one, he’d drag Simon there himself.

So, here he is.

The café’s nothing special. Small, tucked away on a street where the foot traffic’s mostly locals. The kind of place you’d miss if you weren’t looking. He likes that about it. Quiet. Nobody’s looking at him twice with his cap pulled low. 

He’s been here long enough for his coffee to go lukewarm, sitting near the window where the glass fogs from the chill outside. He watches people come and go, eyes drifting over faces without really focusing.

He should have arranged a bird to pass the week with. Would’ve been easier than sitting here or his miserable flat, waiting out the dead time between appointments. Someone warm and agreeable, eager to make use of him. Let him press the ache from his bones in a way that physio never will. Too late for that now. All he’s got is a bitter, room temp coffee and a stiff shoulder.

It’s almost a mercy, then, cosmic correction, for the universe to drop a little puzzle in his lap.

You sit down at the table next to him, barely sparing him a glance. You’re juggling too much—bag over your shoulder, laptop under one arm, and a mug clutched in hand. You drop everything down with more force than necessary, letting out a quiet sigh. Frustrated.

He steals a look while you set up. 

You’re pretty. Ink smudges on your fingers, a tiny dot near your temple where you must’ve rubbed it without thinking. Something floral drifts off you—shampoo, maybe. Or perfume. Light and girlish. And the way your jeans hug your thighs. Hard not to look at.

He can’t help himself. Pure instinct, cataloging details and slotting them together.

Laptop stickers. A small cluster of them, nothing flashy. One’s a crest for a university. Another’s from a fabric store. A couple related to books.

Jumper. Grey, oversized. Worn. The same logo as the sticker, but with the department embroidered over your chest.

Notebook and book. Neat handwriting, margins filled with cramped notes, and arrows pointing to even more ideas. Dozens of colorful tabs stick out from the novel’s pages.

Dozens of messages. Simon stares at your phone on the edge of the table, catching the preview of the latest. Something about a meeting with your advisor and a graduate dissertation.

Your laptop opens to a wall of text. Hundreds of lines.

Student.

Easy to piece together.

You’re chewing on the inside of your cheek as you type, bottom lip caught between your teeth. Worrying it. Something stirs in his chest at the peek of your tongue.

No ring.

He scans your hands. No marks where one might’ve been.

Single. Unmarried, at least.

No tattoos. No visible scars. Nails painted, but barely. The polish is chipped, wearing away at the edges. You don’t bother keeping up with it. Too broke? Too busy? 

Another vibration. A second message lights up your phone. This time, he sees more of it: Shift swap. Someone asking if you can cover tonight.

Works, then.

He swipes his thumb over his phone, scrolling absently, pretending, but his mind sticks fast. The facts are lining up, falling into place.

Grad student. Literature, most likely. Working on a dissertation. Works at least part-time to make ends meet. You keep squinting at your screen and notes. Maybe you need glasses or contacts.

Simon’s eyes drop to your jumper again.

Department of English and Creative Writing.

His mind is already filling in the gaps. The stickers on your laptop. The books. How you’re typing. Focused, wholly absorbed, with no awareness of the world around you. Lost in your own head, a few steps removed from reality.

Little bookworm.

He already knows your school and department. The name of your advisor who’s texted you. From there, it’s easy.    

He tilts his phone away, though no one is paying attention to him. Especially not you. A quick search brings up the department’s website, a list of faculty, graduate students, and recent publications. He scrolls until—

A university blog post with a photo. Blurry, the lighting awful, but it’s you. The shape of your mouth, your face. Hands frozen in a fidget. Your name, attached to a paper. Has a nice ring to it.

Simon should stop here. You seem like a nice girl with a normal future and it’d be a shame to get in the way of that. But he doesn’t.

If anything, this is a good lesson for you to learn. To not be so permissive with your information and belongings. You shouldn’t leave your life so open, with easy-to-follow breadcrumbs. Who knows what might end up at your door, hungry for more?

Besides, if he didn’t do it, someone else would.

Your name leads to a personal website, then to social media, where your life is laid out in squares. Windows into the future. Bookstores, classes, afternoon tea. Friends. Flatmates. A black cat, curled up in a patch of sunlight on a lumpy sofa. 

He taps through them, one by one, mapping out your world, mentally marking places, people. Figuring out precisely where he’ll slot in.

The reminder for his appointment pops up, buzzing in his hand. His thumb hovers for a moment longer, then he takes a screenshot—a photo of you on holiday, lying on your belly on a beach, looking up at the camera with a soft, easy smile. A book rests open on the towel in front of you, forgotten for the moment. A generous glimpse of the tits you’re currently hiding from him. Thighs pressed together, arse dusted in sand.

His jaw flexes as he breathes out through his nose, staring hard at you from the corner of his eye.

He wants to haul you into his lap and wipe the ink from your skin with a spit-slicked thumb. Pop the button on your fly, slip his hand down, and make you explain whatever the fuck it is you study while his fingers sink into you.

Instead, he pockets his phone and stands.

Flexes his thighs, eyes drifting out the window to keep himself in check.

He’s quietly pleased when he shuffles out on the side closest to you. You shift automatically, tucking your legs, making space without thinking, without looking up.

So. You notice some things. You still won’t see him coming.

Simon’s reluctant to leave now. Not with his new itch, the burgeoning curiosity for the bookworm walking the same streets as him. But he leaves, knowing he’s gathered enough for now. Enough to find you again, to keep that little thread of connection alive. Maybe the rest of the week won’t be so dull, after all.

His shoulder twinges as he rolls it again, but the discomfort doesn’t register as bad. He’ll sort it now.

He just needs it useful enough for a bit of lifting later.

[crippleprophet]

let me open by saying I Know How This Sounds (fem whose undergraduate chemistry professor recommended ze take turmeric to cure zyr arthritis, etc) so no hard feelings if you keep scrolling, but hopefully folks who know me know i'm speaking honestly about my experiences, even if those don't end up being the same for other people. so!

2 Tbsp of a common kitchen spice is doing as much or more to manage my ME/CFS as any of my meds or self-medicating drugs

@lakeeffectbitch outlines a way of trying this with a control in their reddit post (link); i just went directly to the one they thought might work so i'll put my experiences & the science/theory behind this under a cut for folks who want to avoid potential placebo effect :)

i'll get more specific about this in the "spoilers" but please be aware, especially folks with diabetes or other blood sugar conditions, that this substance may cause a blood sugar drop. it's less likely at this dose but probably keep a sugary snack on hand just in case

if you experience post-exertional malaise & want to try this but don't have spare money to spend on spices feel free to dm me & i'll see if i can help!

my experience:

i took 2 Tbsp ground sumac mixed with warm water on February 11. i tried taking it with a straw first because that's what my colonoscopy prep had said would make that go down easier but because the sumac particles were so big they didn't want to remain suspended & trying to get them in the straw was difficult, which then made it harder to swallow without, yknow, noticing that you're slurping down sediment

what worked better was getting the powder wet, putting a big clump of it on my tongue, then swallowing it with water like a pill

within about half an hour of taking the sumac it was like my fatigue just faded around me where i stood. it dissolved to the background & when i thought "oh i want to do this" or "i should do that" suddenly i found myself just doing it. i had spent the past week at least bedridden except for the bathroom, & though i took the sumac on a better day, i'd been planning to return to bed with a snack after taking it.

instead, i made myself lunch, and i sat on the couch to eat it. all of this was without taking an edible that day; usually i've gotta take at least 25mg delta 8 + 25mg cbd to even consider sitting on the couch. also, it was storming.

from my write-up the day of: "everything felt very sharp & clear & lucid." i washed the dishes from my lunch. all of these activities were about 2 hours, & at that point i emphatically needed a nap. waking up felt like after taking a muscle relaxer & sleeping: my muscles were more relaxed, & my whole body felt like it'd gotten a bit of a break

i've taken sumac at least 8 times since then on at least 5 different days (this time by modifying this sumac tart recipe to include a lot of sumac powder in the crust, which has been much more enjoyable than the Glass O' Sediment lmao) & adjusting for factors like weather, the effect has been comparable every time:

i watched Inception on the couch with my husband, & understood when she explained things to me

i watched leverage on the couch all day when it was below freezing

i worked a bit on fanfics i've barely been able to touch in a year

i "meal prepped" measuring spices, gathering ingredients, & soaking beans to make beans & rice in the instant pot later that day. i literally can't remember the last time i was able to use my instant pot, after thinking about it i think it was when i made palak paneer last summer, but that was a one-off special occasion thing, i've used it maybe 3 other times since developing ME

i wrote this post

the science:

okay a lot of this shit was over my head before i developed ME so i'm gonna be summarizing at my level lol, look to @lakeeffectbitch for a higher-level analysis

but what i do know! (all images from "The malic acid inhibiting inflammation in ankylosing spondylitis by interfering M1 macrophage polarization" by Ji et al., January 2025)

sumac contains high levels of malic acid, which is found in certain fruits (apples, peaches, etc)

the drugs.com page classifies malic acid as an inactive ingredient, so there are no known drug interactions

mice with ankylosing spondylitis had lower levels of peripheral malic acid than control mice

ID: bar graph showing mice with AS had about 0.03 micromoles per milliliter of peripheral malic acid, compared to the control mice level of over 0.2 micromoles per milliliter. the difference is labeled significant via asterisks. end ID

mice with higher malic acid concentrations had lower ESR and CRP (inflammation markers)

ID: two graphs showing lines with a downward slope. the top graph, ESR versus malic acid concentration, is labeled: r=-0.6802, 95% confidence interval =-0.8843 – -0.2578, p=-0.0053. the graph shows ESR, an inflammation marker, decreasing as malic acid concentration increases. the bottom graph, CRP versus malic acid concentration, is labeled: r=-0.6068, 95% confidence interval =-0.8537 – -0.1371, p=-0.0165. the graph shows CRP, an inflammation marker, decreasing as malic acid concentration increases. end ID

mice treated with malic acid had lower levels of TNF-alpha than the mice with untreated ankylosing spondylitis. humira & similar biologics that treat autoimmune diseases are TNF-alpha blockers

ID: a bar graph of relative mRNA expression of TNF-alpha. M0, the control mice, has a relative expression of 1. M1, the mice with ankylosing spondylitis that did not receive treatment, has a relative expression of slightly less than 4.5. M1+MA, the mice with ankylosing spondylitis who received the malic acid treatment, has a relative expression slightly less than 3. this indicates that the mice treated with malic acid had lower expression of TNF-alpha than the untreated mice. asterisks between M0 and M1 and between M1 and M1+MA indicate significance. end ID

the mitochondrial function of M2 macrophages in mice treated with malic acid "was significantly enhanced"

analysis of the mice's spinal tissue blew my fucking socks off. trying not to jump to conclusions & i know journal articles are full of errors but that looks potentially disease-modifying.

ID: a 5x3 presentation of samples of mouse spinal tissue. the control mice, which are healthy, have thick, undamaged, glowing tissue. the mice with ankylosing spondylitis have thin, curved, cracked-looking tissue. the mice treated with celecoxib, a common prescription NSAID for arthritis, appear very similar to the untreated mice. the mice treated with 250mg/kg of malic acid per day have tissue in between the untreated and healthy appearances; the tissue is "glowing" like the healthy tissue but still narrower and curved, although less so than the untreated tissue. the mice treated with 500mg/kg of malic acid per day have tissue which looks even closer to the healthy appearance, with less curvature than the other treatment groups. end ID

since i started drafting this post i've started taking these malic acid supplements from Nature's Life – the full dose made me feel weird including some heartburn so i cut the capsules & take roughly 2/3 – 3/4 of it at a time (i drop the rest into a spare pill jar to make more doses from). it's been similarly effective for me

please be aware that the supplement instructions say to only take it once a day, i haven't had any issues but everybody is different & this avenue is definitely under-researched! (the mice were given 250mg/kg per day which for me would be like 27 grams but i am not a mouse lol)

[sugarskies]

bob breathing

summary: bob can't sleep. john helps him (yearningly). word count: 1,201 notes: follow up to shit, he's cute but can be read alone.

Things were awkward after that night.

It was John’s fault, one hundred percent, and he was willing to admit to that. Bob didn’t act any differently but somehow, John couldn’t help but stare at him in a way he hadn’t done before; and that way of staring brought back the butterflies which caused his crisis which convinced him that avoiding Bob as much as possible was the best course of action.

So, yes. It was awkward when Bob walked into a room and John made an excuse to leave. It was awkward when they sparred, and his face flushed, and he cut the match short for a drink of water. But the awkwardness was easier to handle than it was to face the reality that John might have another side to him that even he’d never seen before.

Knock, knock, knock.

John startled and glanced at the clock on his phone. 2:43 A.M. He’d been scrolling aimlessly through social media for hours, insomnia kicking his ass. Who else was awake at that hour and why would they knock on his door? He called out a quick, “It’s open.” He almost hoped it was Bucky. For once, a spontaneous mission didn’t sound like the worst thing.

“Hey.” Bob squinted when he pushed the door open, his nose scrunched in a way that John definitely did not find adorable. He was still in his pajamas—an oversized white t-shirt and blue flannel pants, with his bare feet sinking into the carpet. “I saw the light on. Why are you up?”

“Can’t sleep,” said John. He put his phone on the bed beside him, his legs covered by his duvet. “Why are you up?”

Bob pushed a hand through his tangled and frizzy hair. He must have been tossing and turning for a while. “Can’t sleep,” he echoed.

“Nightmares again?”

“No, I haven’t slept at all.” He pulled on his fingers, twisted them around in front of him as he stared at the floor. His gaze flickered left and right, never stopping in one place for more than a second. John’s poor self-image made him assume Bob was judging the state of his room until he added, “I think it’s the start of a manic episode.”

“Oh.” John’s concern was a thousand times higher than it would have been two weeks before. Or maybe it was the same and he just wasn’t ready to admit that yet. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I just— I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I’m vibrating.”

“Is that how you can usually tell?”

“That and a headache.” Bob nodded and winced. So, the headache was already in place too. He wanted to hold Bob close, to take the pain away from him. “And I was really bitchy all day. Yelena’s probably mad at me. Ava too.”

John shook his head. “They’ll understand. Come here.”

He patted the open half of the mattress beside him. For a second, Bob just stared at him as he picked at his thumbnail. Then he closed the door and relented. He lingered by the side of the bed until John gestured again for him to sit down. Bob sat on top of the blanket while John was under it, but his natural warmth quickly seeped through the material.

It was impossible not to stare into Bob’s blue eyes. They were dimmed with exhaustion but still so bright, so full of kindness and compassion. His jaw clenched as he chewed on his lip, his toes bouncing at the end of the bed. John couldn’t tell if he was vibrating, as Bob said, but he was definitely fidgeting far more than usual.

“All right, close your eyes.” Bob did as he was told but the visual sensory deprivation seemed to make his fingers more restless. “I’m going to teach you something the Navy SEALs use to calm down.”

“You were in the Army,” Bob correctly observed, one eye popped open.

“Knowledge travels,” said John. He moved two fingers in the direction of Bob’s open eye, and he quickly snapped it shut. “This is called box breathing. Think of a box. Each side is one step. Inhale, hold, exhale, hold. First side: inhale slowly while I count to four. Focus on how it feels when the air fills your lungs. One, two… I said slowly, Bob.”

“Sorry.”

“Try again.” His tiny smirk was fucking everything. John took a moment to soak it in before he continued. “One, two, three, four. Now, side two: hold it. One, two, three, four.”

Bob’s fingers curled around the blankets beneath him, tugged at them tightly like he was forcing himself not to fidget. John wanted to tell him to stop, to let his body do what it needed to, but he didn’t know what other coping mechanisms Bob had, and he didn’t want to overstep.

“Side three: exhale slowly—” Bob chuckled at the way he said it and shit, the butterflies were back “—and get all the air out of your lungs. One, two, three, four. Last side: hold it there. One, two, three, four. Remember the sides? Let’s do it again.”

John let his own eyes drift shut for a bit as he counted for Bob, listened to the gentle sounds of his breaths. That was what John needed. That was the white noise that finally made the tension fall from his shoulders.

“Shit,” muttered Bob after their seventh time around the box. The right side of his lip curled upward, and John couldn’t help but smile with him. “Why does this actually work?”

“I was in the Army,” John reminded him. “I didn’t get all the details.”

Bob snorted before he resumed his deep breaths and John resumed his counting. Twenty minutes earlier, John was doomscrolling through horrific posts about him, about his team, and not a word of it seemed to matter anymore. Nothing in the world mattered except for Bob; the way his chest rose and fell, the way his eyelashes rested on the top of his cheeks.

John had no idea how many times he’d counted to four by the time Bob’s head fell on his shoulder. His heart beat against John’s upper arm, his tangled curls tickling the collar of John’s shirt. For the first time since the last time Bob fell asleep on him, John allowed himself a moment to stare. How could a man be that goddamn beautiful?

He draped his arm around Bob’s shoulders and pulled him close. Close enough that without stretching, without thinking, John was able to press his lips to the top of Bob’s head. To lean his forehead against him, to soak in his scent, his warmth; to feel his own heart beating, to allow the butterflies to swarm inside him.

Because John didn’t know men could be so beautiful. He didn’t know that he could find men so beautiful. But he recognized the tightness in his chest, the bubbling in his stomach. Bob was his person in the way no one had been since Olivia. And while he wasn’t ready to act on that yet (and maybe he would never be), he was ready to accept that it was true.

[snapscube]

are there any ways to make ffxiv level grinding easier? i'm trying conjurer at the moment and i find the level grinding to be very tedious at times

im going to assume you’re asking cause conjurer/whm isn’t ur main and u don’t have access to the MSQ experience, which would be my first suggestion for anyone looking to level up of course. just play the MSQ. but since, again, im assuming this is an alt job, here are some tips (you should be doing these anyway tbh)

1. buy a shit ton of boiled eggs cheap from any city’s food vendor and always have ur food buff on, that 3% exp bonus adds up

2. get ur hands on accessories that give u an exp buff on top of that. this includes things like the “brand new ring” or if you’ve preordered dawntrail you can use the azeyma’s earrings for an exp buff lasting all the way to 90

3. if you’re in a free company, use company actions to have “the heat of battle” running in the background as you level, which is a company-wide exp bonus. if you’re not in a free company, then by leveling up your grand company squadron (the little AI bot characters u can take into ARR dungeons) u can unlock “squadron missions”. one of these missions will reward you with a set of scrolls that give you the same exp bonus as the heat of battle, no free company needed, but it only lasts a couple hours as opposed to the heat of battle’s 12+. u can stock up as many as u want though, it just takes a bit for the bots to run the mission.

4. DO YOUR ROULETTES. the roulettes that are going to give you the absolute best bang for your buck in terms of leveling are: leveling (duh), main scenario roulette, frontline (this one is very easy to ignore but you really shouldn’t, it’s a TON of exp), and alliance raid. these should get you at least a full level or two every day at higher levels, and sometimes way more if you’re early enough. but half of them don’t unlock until 50.

5. do wondrous tails! if you’ve finished heavensward and you have idyllshire unlocked, you can also unlock wondrous tails! wondrous tails is a book with a weekly checklist of duties to take part in, and each one grants you a sticker. if you get all 9 stickers from doing any duties in the set, you can then turn the book into rewards. this is the important part: a finished wondrous tales book will give you EXACTLY HALF of the exp required for your next level up, no matter what number it is. and this exp bonus will apply to whatever job you TURN THE BOOK IN on. doesn’t matter how or as what job you did the duties themselves as, just equip the job right before you turn your book in and viola. free half a level. you do this every week, it’s very easy!

6. leveling white mage (or any healer) specifically, your main focus if you’ve run out of roulettes and are just wanting to get the absolute best exp bang for your buck in the shortest amount of time possible: do dungeons. just run your most recently available dungeons as much as possible. dungeons give a TON of exp, and healers have easily the shortest queue times of any role in the game. repeat ur most recent dungeon unless the level number ends in a 0. level 50, 60, 70, 80, and 90 dungeons give crap exp because they were designed with level caps in mind. they give other good rewards sometimes, but while you’re focused on leveling, avoid those.

i hope this was at all helpful haha. other readers feel free to post more leveling tips in the replies if i missed anything.

[gettingfrilly]

Out Chapter 6

runs into the room and tumbles down the stairs before smacking head first into a wall

Hi everyone! Hey! Jesus Christ I'm going to be slowly writing this fanfic for the next 30 years of my life. Sorry for the radio silence, I started a new job (as a real counselor yay!) and it took me a bit to adjust to the new flow of my previously slacker life.

This chapter is short and rushed to help me get back into the swing of things. If it's bad, I don't wanna know. Keep that shit to yourselves. I'm putting my heart and soul into this fuckin' thing. Suffer my lazy writing in silence.

Anyway, enjoy! Read it here or on AO3

All the Things Ed Said

Friends and family come and go, but cleaning is forever. 

Edd starts with the dusty living room, feeling lighter and lighter as he continues to make progress. Dusting every surface has him breathing easier, vacuuming the carpet makes him feel light on his feet, and wiping down the floorboards takes the weight of the world off his shoulders. It’s so stupid that he avoided cleaning for so long, and for what? A juvenile attempt at getting back at his parents? Works in theory, but in practice, they’re never actually here, making himself the only person Edd was torturing with his abstaining from one of his biggest coping mechanisms.

‘Maybe I always knew that. Maybe that was the point. ’

Edd shakes the thought from his head like the cobwebs he takes down by shaking his hand towel, stepping away to examine his progress. The room still needs a deep clean, as does the rest of the house, but not being able to spot any obvious filth has Edd letting out a breath he feels like he’s been holding for months.One of the handful of good things that’s come out of this bizarre day is finally getting the kick in the pants he needed to clean; having Eddy in his house while in this state was mortifying.

Speaking of Eddy.

Edd goes to check the humpback mantle clock above his fireplace, clicking his tongue in annoyance when he realizes it stopped ticking at some point. After making a mental note to fix that later, he finds his way back to his bedroom, head turning towards his digital clock as soon as he enters through the doorway.

0 days, 2 hours, and 16 minutes since he last talked to Eddy.

Goodness! He completely lost track of time, poor Eddy probably sitting in his room wondering why Edd hasn’t responded to him yet. He rushes straight for his desk, taking a seat and opening his trillian with rising anxiety, only to realize he has no new notifications.

Oh.

He deflates immediately, his panic not having lasted long enough to put down roots. Feeling silly, he reminds himself that this is no normal family conversation; who knows what sort of extended discussion Eddy is suffering through right now? Oh, if only Edd could be a fly on the wall. What are Eddy’s parents saying? What is his brother doing? Is he leering at him with his predatory glare? Making threatening hand gestures behind their parents’ backs? Using his roguish smile and charm to sink his teeth back into Eddy?

Maybe Eddy sent a message and trillian just didn’t alert him for some reason; computers can be very unpredictable at times. Edd opens up his chat room with Eddy, hoping to see a sign that he’s still alive, but instead coming face to face with the end of the second to last conversation he had with Eddy before they both cut contact.

Throat tight and mouth dry, Double D swallows down nothing as the ever present pit in his stomach starts to make him feel queasy. He had to ban himself through sheer willpower alone from opening this chatroom and going back to reread old conversations and fights, like a scab he kept picking over and over until he was left with an angry red sore that wouldn’t heal. His willpower seems to have taken a sudden vacation, however, Edd scrolling up to the beginning of the conversation like a moth to the flame.

reddyeddy: hey

Edd.Mar.Eid: Hello Eddy.

reddyeddy: how u doin

Edd.Mar.Eid: Fine.

reddyeddy: u sure

Edd.Mar.Eid: Yes.

reddyeddy: then y am i only gettin 1 word ansers

Edd.Mar.Eid: I didn’t realize there was a minimum requirement of words needed when I message you. Hopefully you don’t dock my grade.

reddyeddy: im tryin to b nice here

reddyeddy: tryin being the key word.

reddyeddy: i rlly am tryin wat more do u want from me

Edd.Mar.Eid: For you to actually be nice to me, Eddy.

reddyeddy: wat???????

reddyeddy: so makin u dinners 

reddyeddy: and letting u cry on me all the time 

reddyeddy: and leaving work early and losing money every time u call the candy store in a panic 

reddyeddy: isnt nice enough for u???????

Edd.Mar.Eid: Yes, yes, I know, I’m a horrible burden on you and everyone around me. It’s a good thing I have you around to keep reminding me and guilt tripping me.

reddyeddy: i wasnt tryin to guilt trip u

Edd.Mar.Eid: Then what were you trying to do?

reddyeddy: defend myself!

Edd.Mar.Eid: I’m not attacking you!

reddyeddy: u said im not nice!

Edd.Mar.Eid: Because you aren’t!

reddyeddy: christ dee

reddyeddy: can u fuckin relax for once in ur life and just lissen to wat im sayin

reddyeddy: instead of jumpin 2 worst case senarios and putin words in my mouth

Edd.Mar.Eid: I’m afraid that’s impossible, Eddy. I’ve been informed that I am incapable of being anything other than a high strung, tightly puckered asshole who refuses to pinch off the stick that’s been lodged inside of me.

reddyeddy: ye and im sure u were told that out of nowhere for no good reason

Edd.Mar.Eid: Oh really? Tell me then, Eddy, what good reason exists that makes it okay to insult and degrade your partner when they’re in the middle of a panic attack?

reddyeddy: well mayb if you stopped using ur panic attacks as an excuse 2 b a bitch 2 me then i wouldnt a said that!

The words still hit Double D right where it hurts most, shackled to his rib cage along with all his other most painful memories, sometimes washing up and over his insides like heartburn. He’d like to pretend the hurt comes purely from the cruelty in Eddy’s words, but he knows that isn’t true. The guilt over now knowing that Eddy wasn’t entirely wrong pays a large contribution to the ache in his chest—a guilt that worsens when he reads the next message, which was sent several hours after the previous one.

reddyeddy: im srry i didnt mean that

Edd.Mar.Eid: Then why did you type it?

reddyeddy: cuz i feel like im goin crazy

Edd.Mar.Eid: Don’t use that word. You know I hate that word.

reddyeddy: i no srry

reddyeddy: ugh

reddyeddy: i dont wanna fight again

Edd.Mar.Eid: I don’t either.

reddyeddy: then we wont

reddyeddy: lemme come over tmrrw and we can talk it out in person

Edd.Mar.Eid: That’s probably for the best. We always seem to fall into the same miscommunication traps when we try to discuss our arguments online. 

Edd.Mar.Eid: Are you sure you actually want to come over?

reddyeddy: ofc i do

Edd.Mar.Eid: It won’t be a burden? I know you’re tired after work.

reddyeddy: ur not a burden

Edd.Mar.Eid: I feel like I am. I feel like you’re right. I’m an awful person, aren’t I?

reddyeddy: quit talkin like that

reddyeddy: i was just bein an ass as usual

reddyeddy: how about i come over now

reddyeddy: ill make that veggie soup u like

Edd.Mar.Eid: I don’t deserve that. Or you. You should just break up with me already.

reddyeddy: no

reddyeddy: look u didnt do nething wrong its all my fault ok

reddyeddy: noones breakin up with ne1

reddyeddy: im gonna log off and come over ok?

reddyeddy: ok?

Edd.Mar.Eid: Okay.

reddyeddy: ill b rite there

Edd.Mar.Eid: Okay. Thank you, Eddy.

As soon as he finishes reading the last message, his computer trills, making him jump and choke on air as the entire conversation shifts upwards to make room for brand new communication. Edd dedicates himself to ignoring how badly his head is spinning as he puts finger tips to keys.

reddyeddy: hey 

Edd.Mar.Eid: A fine evening to you, chum. I hope you are well. Tell me, pal, how are you this summer’s night?

reddyeddy: lol wtf

reddyeddy: im grate how is the evening finding u deerest buddy

Edd.Mar.Eid: Sorry. I'm a touch nervous.

reddyeddy: me 2 a lil

reddyeddy: dont scroll up

Edd.Mar.Eid: I already made that mistake, unfortunately.

reddyeddy: yeah yeesh

reddyeddy: ne way i survived

reddyeddy: hurray  

Edd.Mar.Eid: I’m glad to hear it. I imagine the discussion was an awkward affair.

reddyeddy: under statement of the 21st century

reddyeddy: hes staying

Edd.Mar.Eid: Oh Lord.

reddyeddy: dont bother asking that guy for help i already tried

Edd.Mar.Eid: How could your parents allow this?

reddyeddy: motherly guilt is my best guess

Edd.Mar.Eid: Guilty of what? It’s not your mother’s fault your brother is a brutal barbarian. 

reddyeddy: its more complicated than that

reddyeddy: alot of shit about my family is

Edd.Mar.Eid: Sigh. What family isn’t complicated, I suppose.

Edd.Mar.Eid: Why did he return to Peach Creek, anyway?

reddyeddy: canned and broke

Edd.Mar.Eid: And now you are being made to pay for his poor choices. Is there no justice in this world?

reddyeddy: did u ever think there was

Edd.Mar.Eid: I naively hoped.

reddyeddy: thats your whole shtick I guess

Edd.Mar.Eid: Unfortunately. 

reddyeddy: we had a weird talk

Edd.Mar.Eid: Is it possible to have a normal talk with that fiend?

reddyeddy: lol

Edd.Mar.Eid: Tell me what happened.

reddyeddy: ok so we went to the store cuz ma needed cream and smokes

reddyeddy: and then he got some beer 2

Edd.Mar.Eid: Oh goodness, Eddy, please tell me you didn’t drink and drive.

reddyeddy: y u always gotta assume the worst of me???

Edd.Mar.Eid: Worrying is also my “schtick.”

reddyeddy: well u can relax cuz i only had 1 beer at the high school and then went strate home

Edd.Mar.Eid: Peach Creek High? What on earth for?

reddyeddy: 1 of his dumb secret hang out spots is on the roof

reddyeddy: guy scaled the wall like fuckin spider man

reddyeddy: complicated and mysterius for no good goddamn reason

reddyeddy: ne way thats not the point

reddyeddy: the point is the talking that happened

reddyeddy: guy spilled his guts out to me???

reddyeddy: aparently he got kicked out of home cuz he got some girl pregnent then told her to get an abortion

Edd.Mar.Eid: Well that’s certainly unexpected.

reddyeddy: it gets weirder

reddyeddy: he was all girls are nothing but trouble dont let those leeches get u be smarter then me

reddyeddy: like he was looking out for me or sumthin

reddyeddy: and before that he was being all smiley at me and calling me big man cuz I have a big wallet

reddyeddy: told me I grew up right

reddyeddy: dee

reddyeddy: he was being NICE 2 me

reddyeddy: chuck! nice!

Edd.Mar.Eid: That is concerning. Normally I would have said that sarcastically, but from your brother, it truly is a concern.

reddyeddy: i no rite

reddyeddy: he sounded like he likes me or sumthin

reddyeddy: like im an adult he can have a real conversation w/

reddyeddy: what gives

Edd.Mar.Eid: Did he apologize? 

reddyeddy: for knocking up that chik?

Edd.Mar.Eid: No, Eddy, for his past actions. For everything he did to you.

reddyeddy: oh

reddyeddy: no

Edd.Mar.Eid: Then he’s not truly being all that nice.

reddyeddy: he doesnt get it dee

reddyeddy: its like rolfs fishballs

Edd.Mar.Eid: Pardon?

reddyeddy: u remember

reddyeddy: when i threw rolfs fish ball and didnt get why every1 was so upset

Edd.Mar.Eid: Oh, right, I do recall that incident.

reddyeddy: i think its like that

reddyeddy: he doesnt even no he did ne thing wrong

reddyeddy: wich pissed me the fuck off at first

reddyeddy: but now im like

reddyeddy: i dunno

reddyeddy: it feels dumb to be mad at him for not being sorry when i wasnt sorry to rolf

Edd.Mar.Eid: Eddy, when you lacked the emotional maturity to be empathetic towards Rolf and sorry for your cultural misstep, you were a 12 year old child who threw an item of food. Your brother is an adult man who spent years physically, mentally, and emotionally tormenting you, then after six years of separation, assaulted you in front of every child from the cul-de-sac.

reddyeddy: yeah i guess

Edd.Mar.Eid: You don’t guess, you know. You more than anyone are intimately aware of what a cruel and selfish narcissist your brother is. He’s an antisocial bully who derives amusement from walloping children. If this were a fair and just world, your brother would be locked up and away for the protection of others.

reddyeddy: jeez ok i get it

reddyeddy: this is weird

reddyeddy: usually u try to calm me down

reddyeddy: now its like u want me to be mad

Edd.Mar.Eid: I want you to keep yourself safe. Your brother is not to be trusted, Eddy.

reddyeddy: no shit im not stupid

reddyeddy: not gonna go back to hero worship after 1 talk

reddyeddy: i no hes still an ass

reddyeddy: hes a piece of shit failure child beater not a cool big bro

Edd.Mar.Eid: Especially if he isn’t going to apologize for how he treated you. Don’t give him an inch until he utters a sincere sorry. How long do you think he’ll be staying?

reddyeddy: either until he gets back on his feet or until my dad gets sick enough of him to kick him back out

reddyeddy: who nos what will happen first

Edd.Mar.Eid: Whichever it is, let’s hope it happens soon. What is the plan until then?

reddyeddy: man i havent had any sort of plan for ne thing in forever

reddyeddy: i think im in the clear tho

reddyeddy: he cant do shit to me w/o getting his ass booted onto the street

Edd.Mar.Eid: Still, I imagine sharing a living space with him will be emotionally and mentally taxing. I want to offer my family’s abode to you as a place of refuge whenever you are in need.

Edd.Mar.Eid: Or even if you just want to hang out.

Edd.Mar.Eid: For fun.

reddyeddy: yeah sure

reddyeddy: that could be fun

Edd.Mar.Eid: Please let me know of any other ways I can be of assistance. You don’t have to deal with him alone this time.

reddyeddy: yeah i no thx dee

reddyeddy: mayb ill come over tmrrw

Edd.Mar.Eid: I would like that.

Edd.Mar.Eid: Actually, no, let’s convene elsewhere. The playground, perhaps? At our usual time.

reddyeddy: sounds good

reddyeddy: booze? smoke?

Edd.Mar.Eid: Feel free to indulge, but I will not partake.

reddyeddy: i could buy gummies from kev

Edd.Mar.Eid: Then perhaps.

reddyeddy: ey look at this party animal

Edd.Mar.Eid: Har har.

reddyeddy: im bringing pizza 2

reddyeddy: half meat lovers half vegetarian

Edd.Mar.Eid: There’s no need for that, I still have your leftovers to eat.

reddyeddy: whatev more za for me

reddyeddy: ill still get half veg tho those gummies give u the munchies

Edd.Mar.Eid: Sounds like a plan, Eddy.

reddyeddy: first gud 1 in a while

reddyeddy: cya

Edd.Mar.Eid: Good night, Eddy. Sleep well.

[whentherewerebicycles]

2024: a year in books

FIRST, some general reflections on reading this year.

my original goodreads goal for the year was 70 (increased to 80 sometime in the late summer) and my total books read for the year was 87! i did count four or five fics early on in the year towards that total, but my rule of thumb is that they have to be 70k+ and they have to "feel like" a novel (a seemingly arbitrary designation but one that makes sense to me lol. not every long fic feels like a novel!). every year i go back and forth on whether i should only count published fiction towards my goodreads goal, but idk, if i am reading hundreds of pages of a single work i feel like it should count.

during the pandemic and just after i skewed heavily towards nonfiction, for whatever reason. in the last couple years, but especially this year, i've really swung back to reading novels and it has been GLORIOUS. god i love STORIES!!!!! i stayed up way past my bedtime reading many times this past year and often felt like i was recapturing that breathless exhilaration i associate with reading in childhood. what a wonderful way to feel!!

I gave in, fully, to reading on my kindle this year. this was initially out of necessity (first i couldn't hold a physical book because of my carpal tunnel syndrome, and then i couldn't hold a physical book while feeding a baby). but i also have to admit that it is easier to replace a phone addiction with another screen, and the kindle at least is a screen free from notifications that allows me to read with total focus for many hours. i also find it easier to quickly acquire ebooks (through [mumble mumble] means) which means i can start reading a book mere minutes after someone recommends it to me. it's also way easier to have a bunch of stuff queued up so that i know that the next thing is waiting for me. i also like that with ebooks i don't know how long they are, so i have sometimes ended up reading books that were much longer than i expected (which sometimes i avoid doing if i'm not sure a super long book will be "worth it" in the end). so idk. lots of things to like about ebooks and i think this was the year i finally saw the light on that front.

HOWEVER i do worry about my turn towards ebooks a little bit because i want my kid to see me reading voraciously, and i worry that seeing your mom staring at a screen all the time is not going to have quite the same effect as seeing her read books all the time. i mean all you have to do is ride the bus or stand in line at the grocery store or sit in a doctor's office if you want to see every single adult around you staring at a screen lol. so that's something i want to think about in 2025. maybe i can deliberately try to mix it up a bit, like trying to ensure that a certain percentage of books read are physical books or something. and i can think about other ways to incorporate lots of conversations about reading into our daily lives as he gets older. i will have to think about that some more!

reading is just so good.... it's so so so so so much better than scrolling on my phone... but even though i was reading at a rapid clip this year and regularly experiencing the AAAAA NOVELS ARE SO GOOD high, i still had weeks and months where i'd get out of the habit and then it would be really, really challenging for me to get back into it. so the solution is to just never stop, lol. but like for real. i think the solution is to just make nightly + weekend reading so integral to my routine that i don't even have to make a decision to pick up a book. i also found that in moments where i was stuck this year, it was really helpful to reread old favorites to get myself restarted. reading something i already knew i was going to love helped me get back into the saddle and gave me some time to start looking for my next new book. so yeah just want to remember that!

i really discovered the pleasures of rereading this year... i used to very rarely reread except for my All-Time Faves because there are so many books out there and i didn't want to waste time on stuff i had already experienced. but that is silly. it is an immense pleasure to reread books, even ones that you just thought were Quite Good the first time around and not All-Time Faves. there is always something new there, and there is a particular kind of pleasure in reading a book already knowing how things are going to unfold. so! i might also reread more next year. we'll see.

next up: my faves from the year.

[dinogoofy]

I KNOW IVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE BUT I COME BEARING GIFTS HEEEHEE

This starts out as bullet points but there's a fully written scene at the end, its just long enough that I'd rather put a cut so that it's easier to scroll past if need be.

Also, if yall were fans of Draco and Hermione as a ship, EAT UP!!!

Mk1! RAIN X RIVAL! READER

Think about it!!! The institute of sorcery is the perfect setting for some delicious rivals to lovers settings!

You are a very far off descendant of Shinnok, and for generations the magic in your bloodline had completely vanished. But unexpectedly, this magic resurfaces full force in you. Similar to the power that very first demigod would have had.

Empress Sindel (THINK OF HER AS MORALLY GREY I promise I'm not trying to make her seem evil ;-;) sees your potential to be a skilled outworld warrior, and sends for you to be enrolled in the institute of sorcery.

Thing is, although you have a good heart and good intentions, from a young age, you had never been able to do regular magic. With how powerful your magic is, it baffled those around you. Very few knew the truth that even you didn't know. And that truth was that you simply couldn't perform those magics. The magic in your bloodline was dark, and repelled by any elemental or healing magics.

Despite this downfall, you had a knack for raising the dead in particular. Curses, hexes, and dark magics came easy. You were so innately good at it. Sindel didn't want to loose someone with so much potential, so you became the Institution's pet project.

You were unenrolled in regular classes. Instead, you studied privately with professors. You learned forbidden magics, magics that only you had been able to harness completely without any drawbacks or side effects.

This was common knowledge for professors and students alike. Most avoided you, leading to eating alone for quite a few meals, but some resented you. It simply wasn't fair that you and only you were given the right to learn magic that had been forbidden for anyone else to learn.

One such person was Rain. Rain hated that fact and hated you for it. He would go out of his way to make problems for you. Trip you in the hallways, snicker at your fruitless attempts at elemental magic. Even some of the few plant matter components you needed to collect for a practical exam would come up dead and downed in the gardens. The two of you spent your academic days bickering, even into adulthood.

Even so, Rain wasn't particularly liked by other students in the institute either, due to his prowess with water magic and the jealousy of others. The two of you were both loners for similar reasons. He started to sit next to you during mealtimes to mess with you over petty things, but a few times turns into many. You two started to eat together almost always, go into the gardens together to pick spell components, you would even study together into the early hours of the morning, tired eyes flicking from page to page before simply giving in and falling asleep, then scaring the other awake and boast about it.

As you grew, the bickering remained, but the malice and hatred behind it did not. Sure, you may have been bickering whnever you spent time together, but surely a bit of fondness had formed between the two of you.

One day, you and Rain had a particularly rough fight. More so than usual. Wounding words were said, and Rain said something that struck you deep to your core.

You couldn't heal. You couldn't control water, or fire, or earth or nature. What kind of magic user were you when you couldn't even do the basics of magic as a whole? You were supposedly "powerful" but you hadn't even tried to explore the world of magic beyond your dark and shadowy bubble.

The words had hurt. And it was days before Rain would see you again. You spent your time tucked away in a secluded corner of the library, trying again and again to use these magics you had failed at as a child, and even now you were failing.

Then, you find something in the garden that breaks your heart. What you would do next would break it even more.

---

It's late when Rain finds you, slumped over your desk in tears. He's taken aback. He came to see where you were when you didn't show up at dinner, curious as to where the Golden Child of the academy had gone during mealtime. He didn't expect to find you here like this. Your desk in the library is littered with papers. A single candle lights the area, and a small sparrow lays dead before you.

Rain opens his mouth to speak, but you sit up, wipe your eyes, and after a moment of silence, start to speak without ever looking up at him

"I killed it." The words come out as a whisper. Rain furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"What?" He moves to stand behind your chair. You still can't bear to look at him.

"I killed it." You say, louder this time.

"What do you mean?" He asks, voice low. It takes a moment before you find the strength to speak.

"I found it outside this morning. A cat had gotten it. I…I thought I could try to heal it." Your sentence is interrupted by a sharp sob. "But I couldn't."

" I did everything by the book. Focused my magic into my fingertips, pushed that magic into the sparrow- but I couldn't heal it. I drained it. I took it's life, Rain. " You gesture at the mess before you with a shaky fist.

"I can create potent mana potions. I can make curses that are so concrete and so indestructible even experienced high mages struggle to break them. Fuck! I could raise armies of the dead with a flick of my wrist if I wanted to! So… so why…" You trail off, swallowing thickly as you do your best to blink away the tears.

"I just don't understand. I don’t…" There's a moment of silence, and you just can't seem to speak. It hurts. It hurts to think of how you failed the sparrow. You let out a another choked sob.

"... I can't believe I killed it…"

Rain is silent. If it was anyone else, anyone else, he would be scoffing. But you're just so… broken. Broken over this little bird that you couldn't save. All he can feel is pity. All his life, he has strived for more. More magic. More skills. More power. He has done all he can to learn the most powerful dark magics that the academy knows of… and here you are, blood surging with those very same potent and powerful magics that everyone else has been banned from learning. And you are broken over one of the most simple spells to learn. He had mastered this simple magic before he had even been accepted into the institute.

Part of him is prideful. The other part is ashamed.

He reaches over you to pick up the sparrow. You look at him with tired, swollen eyes.

"You don't want to resurrect it?" He asks. You shake your head. Rain holds out his other hand to you. And you take it.

He doesn't tell you where you are going, but you follow him anyway, too tired to interject. He leads you into the garden, stops among the plants frequently harvested for casting, and kneels. He digs a small hole, and buries the sparrow. You feel numb as you watch him.

He stands by your side again.

"Everything has a place in this world." He says. "Earth, Water. Light. Life. Death.The same goes for magic. " With a surge of his own magic, the ground becomes wet, and then sprouts begin to grow.

"Death magic and magics as such may be taboo to most, but it has a place. Just as water does." He moves to face you now. You keep your eyes on the grave of the sparrow.

"Just because the magic that runs in your veins doesn't give life, or heal those in need, does not make it any less useful. It does not make it any less powerful. Despite your faults-" You roll your eyes at him. He's relieved a little to see a ghost of a smile on your face. "- You are... still a worthy rival to me."

"You know, even when you're being nice, It feels like you're secretly being mean." You huff a laugh. He smirks.

"Who said I was being nice?" You scoff at him, and before you know it, you're hugging him. You weren't sure why, you did it on impulse, without even thinking. Even so, you don't let go. Rain is taken aback, holding his arms out without knowing what to do.

After a moment, he relaxes, and his arms gently hold you back. Rain's face was flushed. For someone so smart, you had to be an idiot to hug someone who barely tolerated you. You sigh into the hug, burying your face in his chest.

"Thank you, Rain." You mumble. Rain feels his heart do something strange as you do. The sight of you holding onto him so snugly, like you trusted him, makes him feel weird. He ignores it. He has the sudden impulse to lean down and press a kiss to your temple, and then the train of thought derails into the temptation to lean back, take your face in his arms, and kiss you silly.

What an idiotic thing to do, he thinks. Why would he ever think such a thing?

These thoughts aside, when you lean back, wipe your swollen eyes, and complain about missing dinner, he can't help but follow you back into the institute like a lost puppy.

[flowerfeast444]

most ardently || pedro pascal {pt 2}

pedro x oc

chapter summary: pedro throws a wrap party. drunk shenanigans

a/n: no significant warnings but things get hot and heavy if you catch my drift

We finished filming the final scenes for 'August Sun' around five hours ago. As soon as Sean shouted the final cut, tension rolled off my back, and I almost laughed with joy. It's not that I have been miserable the last few months because I haven't. It's just that the thought of never having to work under his critical eye again filled me with great relief.

I know that being the lead in 'August Sun' required a more solemn performance in comparison to my previous work, but have I not proved my talent already? It felt like every take was another audition in which I had to fight for my dignity. Sure, most of my acting experience has been from shooting commercials, but I have been working my way up in recent years; my nomination for best supporting actress in a kid's movie from two years ago sits heavy in my mind. At least my name was out there.

Still, it felt like no one trusted me to be alone on set or make a decision about my character for myself. So, when we finally wrapped, I seriously debated going straight home and drinking enough wine to wash out the grubby feeling in my gut. It became a bit more complicated when Pedro invited everyone to his house for a wrap party. I still could have avoided going, except he asked me personally to be there. It would have been easier if he simply shouted the announcement to the room, but he didn't. Instead, he told me how much he looked forward to seeing me there.

I was, unfortunately, alone outside of my trailer when he told me this, so I couldn't deflect or lean on Allison to avoid him. Like the few times we spoke before, he was kind, but I could see the apprehension through his whole body and his voice. I agreed to come only because I had no excuse otherwise. When I told him, he smiled shyly at the ground before schooling his expression and simply telling me, "see you 'round, Dev".

The way he spoke my nickname so casually irked me for the rest of the day. Who did he think he was? He barely knew me. I'm sure he knew this and only said it to get to me.

An hour into the party, even two Jack and Cokes couldn't help settle my agitation. When I first arrived, I tried my best to make peaceful small talk with the other actors and crew members there, but I felt like I was acting as much as I had been on set the past several months. Allison was there, but she was having fun with the other people from the hair and makeup department, and I didn't want to intrude. Eventually, I gave up, retreating to the other end of the house where I found a cozy library.

The slightly ajar door enticed me as if it were waiting for me to stumble upon it. A single lamp in the far corner illuminated the shelves of books and various trophies lining each wall. The multiple rugs layered on top of one another worked well to absorb the sound of the party, and without further thought, I dropped into the corner of one of the plush leather couches in the center of the room.

I drained the last of my third drink with a content sigh. I closed my eyes for a few moments, rolling out the tension in my neck before pulling my phone out of the pocket of my fur jacket. I had only been scrolling through Instagram for a few minutes when I suddenly heard the party's very own host behind me.

"Finally decide you're too good for us?" He asked smugly. He held two bottles of wine in each hand where he stood, leaning against the doorway.

I rolled my eyes and focused back on my phone. I expected him to blow me off and leave me alone like he usually does; instead, he admitted, "You know when we first met, I thought you were going to be much more lively. Social."

"Did you follow me over here just to say that?"

Pedro smirked and held up the wine. "Wine storage is next door. You sure you didn't come to the library in hopes of catching me alone?"

"God, get over yourself," I muttered softly.

"But seriously- you're not having fun? You know, when I was your age, I was throwing parties in my small-as-shit, shoebox apartment every chance I got," Pedro laughed at the memory as he finally sauntered into the room. He perched on the armrest of the couch opposite me, bottles still clutched in his hands but resting comfortably on his thighs.

"'When I was your age,'" I mocked. "Come on, you're not that much older than me."

"I've got a good ten years on you, at least." He shrugged.

Unsure of how to respond, I stared down into my glass as I swirled it, pretending there was something actually in it.

"Alright, take off that ridiculous jacket and join the rest of us again. I'll get you a refill of whatever you've been drinking, I can pretend you are a gracious guest, and you can pretend that you actually like any of us." Pedro stood and began taking small steps backward until he was almost in the hallway. "Who knows, maybe you might just enjoy your time."

I wanted to deny him or at least make a witty remark, but my words failed me. I kept my jacket on, though. I followed Pedro back to the crowded kitchen and pushed my empty glass on the counter in front of him as soon as we arrived. He side-eyed me but filled it up with red wine without hesitation. I lifted the glass to him, giving him a 'cheers' before taking several large gulps. He shook his head with a smug smile.

A few drinks later and I had lost track of time. I hated to admit that Pedro could be right, but I was laughing more and more as the night wore on. Like always, though, I found Allison to cling to when being social felt too difficult. We sat on the couch and gossiped until I couldn't feel my cheeks from laughing. I'm sure anyone around us thought we were hysterical. I eventually excused myself to the kitchen to procure a shot for each of us, but when I reentered the living room, Allison was headed toward me, purse and keys in hand.

"Sorry babe, I'm about to head out, it's been a long day." She brushed some loose hair behind my ear, smoothing it down with a few more strokes. "I'm so glad you came! We need to go out more often- let your freak flag fly!" With a kiss on my cheek, she all but disappeared before my eyes.

My shoulders dropped. I downed one of the shots and set the other on the coffee table beside me. Looking around for the first time in a while, I understood why Allison left. We were pretty much the only people left. Daisy, the actress that played my sister, was curled up on a chaise lounge, fast asleep. Music still pumped through the speakers, but I decided my time to leave had long since passed.

I clumsily twirled around in search of my phone and purse when I noticed the music lowering to a soft hum.

"Thought you'd have left by now," Pedro said, turning away from the stereo system on the other side of the room.

I found my purse half under the couch and picked it up, showing it to him, "going to now."

"You were able to get an Uber this late?"

"I don't live far, I'll be fine to drive." I shook my head but quickly stilled, trying to quell the dizziness it brought on.

"Honey, if you've had anywhere near what I've had to drink tonight, and I think you have, you're in no shape to drive," he said condescendingly.

"Don't act like you know me. I'm fine."

I tried walking to the door, but Pedro gently pushed on my shoulder, and by the time I processed it, I was back on the couch. I groaned. Pedro laughed.

"Like I said," he landed heavily onto the cushion beside me, "you're not going anywhere. So, kick off your shoes, unbutton your pants, whatever, just get comfortable. Because I will take your keys."

I could be arrogant sometimes, I knew that. I guess this was one of those moments to give in. Let someone else be right.

So I reached down to unzip my boots and pulled them off, chucking them to the floor beside the couch. I felt Pedro's gaze on me and my already flushed cheeks grew hotter. I lost my jacket at some point in the night, so I unbuttoned my pants next, just as he suggested. I maintained eye contact as I did so, watching his eyes darken and his demeanor transform to something more focused. I had only seen a similar look from him when we were in front of a camera, and even then, it was much more practiced and controlled than the man in front of me now.

Though my ego felt satiated, I hungered for more. So, I drew the zipper down slowly, with baited breath. Pedro's eyes danced around my body, but continually rested on the open closure of my pants. Just to see how far I could take it, I moved my hands up and behind my back in search of my bra clasp. I quickly unhooked it and pulled the straps from my shoulders, letting it fall out the bottom of my tank top. When Pedro's breath stopped for a full second, I knew I had him like putty in my hands.

"Comfortable, now?" he asked with a steady, deep voice, leaning closer to me.

I nodded, and before I could fully part my lips to speak, he was kissing me- and Jesus he held back during filming. His tongue prodded mine hungrily, and I felt his hands snake around my waist, grabbing me there just as fiercely. With one particularly rough tug, I swung my left leg over and landed in his lap, tangling my fingers is his hair to help myself balance. We rutted together intensely, his fingers splayed out, digging into the flesh of my hips.

I instinctually let my hands wander down Pedro's chest, my lips twitching to a smirk when I realized his half unbuttoned silk shirt had fallen off one shoulder. As I broke our kiss and reconnected my lips on the nape of his neck, a small whimper escaped him- so quiet, I almost missed it. My hands continued their path lower until they reached the top of his pants, quickly unbuttoning them. His grip finally left my hips, one grabbing my hands, the other holding my back as he maneuvered me to lay on my back with him hovering above me and pinning my hands above my head.

"Devon," he tutted, shaking his head, "who knew you could be such a bad girl."

"Isn't that what you like?" I rolled my hips up into his.

I could see the thoughts rolling behind his eyes, debating what to do with me. He leaned closer, and I could feel his breath on my chin, but he backed away again and, instead, dragged his eyes over my entire body then back up. Making eye contact again, he released my hands and sank back into the opposite side of the couch. I remained in my lounged position and tried to catch my breath.

"Get some sleep. There's a guest room down the hall." Pedro nodded to his left, still maintaining eye contact, "Don't puke on anything."

Without another word, he left me in the living room, music still purring through the speakers and Daisy still passed out across the room. Simply, what the fuck was that.

[idol8or]

Who wants to play Baldur's Roulette? It's a game I just made up where we take turns adding mods to our Honour Mode saves until one of us is corrupted beyond recovery.

Possibly inspired by the night I spent fucking around in the Gauntlet. I was trying desperately to find some way to avoid using the platform (I've heard enough horror stories) by jumping down the the bottom level. 

I finally gave up, cuz man they must really not want that sequence broken, took the platform down, and cast Knock on the door at the bottom instead of using the gems.

So there I am, no lie, only one Umbral Gem recovered (from the pile of ash that used to be Yurgir), mere steps away from the big finish.

And all this after I'd spent an hour clawing at this one particular invisible wall like our dogs at the bedroom door when we shut them out. And what's more, I was getting pretty serious about it, I was using mods to get unreasonable fly speeds and shit. I was damn close to seeing what kind of cheese I could get out of Step of the Wind and/or Metamagic when I thought to myself, "They locked up this part of the dungeon real tight, the only way to the finale is on their terms. If I keep fucking around I could end up finding out. Can't let that happen, I'm too attached to Lil Nas II."

And so I shut up and get on the platform like the good boy I am, I ride down and, just for fun, check what's up with the Big Dramatic Door. It triggers a voice line about not having any gems, no surprise there, and the menu says "Lockpicking Impossible." They really want to keep you locked in the dungeon until you finish the whole thing, right? But wouldn't it be funny if I took this scroll of Knock...

Like, I genuinely can't believe how much of this dungeon you can skip, just with one spell. I hadn't done a single one of the trials or found the stupid spear. I'd killed the necromancer in his lab since he's easier to handle there, and I'd killed the devils with Persuasion checks, so there was literally nothing between me and the exit. I'd barely heard a peep out of Shar. Shadowheart had been an owlbear for 90% of our time there. 

(I'm leaning into the Werewolf thing by making her a moon druid and it's honestly pretty compelling. I can see why Shar wanted this queen taken off the board.)

[ho3smadd]

Die for you

Paring:xavier thorpe x reader

Warning:tw mentions of bruises and swearing

Summary: y/n and xavier haves always hated each other, always competing in school and in art but what happens when a normie hurts his rival

For years the was a rivalry between xavier thorpe and y/n l/n. No one knew why or how the rivalry began but maybe it best not to

A screaming match took place in the quad, though no one even batted an eye at argument. See the students of nevermore all were used to this. Many screaming matches happened in the quad but only with the same 2 people

It would always end the same way too,with xavier and y/n storming off in the other direction and today was no different

Both going in opposite directions to avoid each other

Y/n needed to get as far away from xavier thorpe as possible. The boy was completely infuriating, with his stupid perfect face and his obnoxiously soft hair.... she hated everything about him

The girl entered the Weathervane Cafe and took the booth in farthest corner of the coffee shop after ordering her usual coffee and brownie

Mindlessly scrolling through tiktok when a hand slammed onto the table. She looked up to see 3 normie bullies

"Can I help you?" Y/n asked the boys in front of her, clearly unamused

"Yes actually" one of the boys grabbed her while the others helped drag her to their school to send a message to nevermore

Xavier could barely calm himself. He knew he couldn't carry on like this any longer. It hurt more than anything,pretending like he didn't care at all, as if it wasn't killing him. He made up his mind, he needed to find you

Xavier had been searching the school for you for hours almost giving up, when he saw a figure limping at the entrance of the school

It was her. The girl he'd just spent hours looking for except she had bruises all over her body and looked as if she'd fall over at any given moment.

Xavier ran towards her, stopping in front of her "who did this to you?"

Y/n scoffed,after hours of torture she didn't need more pain "it doesn't matter"

"of course it matters, someone hurt you" xavier sighed frustrated

"Why do you care if I'm hurt , it doesn't make a difference to your life " y/n tried to walk away but winced from pain

"BECAUSE IM IN LOVE WITH YOU." xavier yelled out finally having reached his tipping point

Y/n froze in her place "don't be mean , please I'll take any other games just not this. I'm begging you xavier "

The boy hesitated but stepped towards her "I'd never be that cruel. I'm tired of lying to myself and to you. I've been in love with you since you got to nevermore and I got scared so I decided to pretend that I hated you. It was easier that way."

The girl's eyes welled up with tears "we are such dumbasses , I pretend to hate you but I never could."

Xavier didn't say anything but interlocked their hands and took her to the nurse , staying by her side the whole time until she fell asleep

Then only did he go to town with ajax and hurt the people who hurt his girl and when she woke up he was by her side again

"Xavier did you mean what you said?" The girl looked at him with hope

"I meant every word. I love you y/n-

He was interrupted as the girl pressed her lips to his and pulled him into a passionate kiss

Hi guys I'd really love if you request <3

[thesmokingguns]

Easter with peach

AN. Oops.

It was not going to be a good Easter, Peach was very aware of the very bad mood that Nikki was in because of the lawsuit with Mick. It wasn’t just that he was upset that he was being sued by someone he considered close, it was that he was embarrassed.

Hearing people make fun of him, the cruel things posted online. He was 64 years old and he wasn’t getting younger anytime soon. And yet they expected him to be the same bass player, to have the same stamina and skill as when he was 24. It was exhausting and infuriating him. And his pride. His pride was wounded which was the biggest problem of all. Because as much as Nikki fought that he did not record the tracks he could see people all saying that they liked him but that they believed Mick. No one believed him and he hated that.

The statement the band had made, all fueled at the height of their fury, was also not helping matters because reading it back Nikki was very aware at how cruel they had been and yet he couldn’t take a step back from it.

What was done, was done.

Peach woke up early, peeking to the end of the bed and expecting to see an Easter basket. Nikki had given her one every year that they were together, trying to make up for what she hadn’t had as a kid and finding another reason to spoil her. When she saw only the basket she made for him and Nikki asleep in bed her pout settled on her face.

There were two ways that she could handle this: just give Nikki grace and understand he had forgotten her favorite holiday and be extra sweet and make him feel so guilty that his stomach ached from the sweetness she showered him with. It was obvious what she was going with.

She was quiet as she snuck downstairs, preparing the brunch. Peach used pinterest to create a breakfast charcuterie board and took her time with the drip coffee. She was quiet as she made shapes out of fruits and went the extra mile with breakfast. She wanted every step of Nikki’s day to be met with over the top Easter goodness.

Searching online for a local church she found an Easter service that started in an hour. She would shower, get dressed up and leave Nikki alone with all the nice things that she had done. Let him stew in his shithead behavior.

When Nikki awoke he rubbed his eyes, surprised to see a bottle of water and a note at the side of the table. He couldn’t remember when Peach had left him a note like this ever in their relationship. She was the one who would beg for five more minutes of sleep and stay snug in bed most mornings.

‘Good morning love of my life,

Surprises for you at the end of the bed and downstairs courtesy of the Easter Bunny. Went to church for Easter service.

XOXO

Peach’

Nikki swore. He was not happy about the surprises because he knew that with all the Crue’s drama he had forgotten his girl's favorite holiday. Seeing that she went all out for him made it even worse.

Peach had made Nikki a basket with all his favorite things in it. From his favorite cologne to X rated polaroids of her in bunny ears to stay with the theme of things. She had ordered his favorite chocolate from a small shop in southern france and had bought him a few new things for fishing season. And Dodgers tickets to really let him know that this basket was all the things he loved. He felt terrible.

Knowing Peach wasn’t home made it easier to avoid going downstairs for his next surprise. He took his time taking a shower and trying to think of a last minute gift for his girl. Unfortunately for him he lived in a red state now and that meant that all the shops were closed because Jesus had risen and he was not going to be getting Peach a shiny diamond to take her mind off the basket that he had forgotten to make her.

What Nikki didn’t know was well he was in the shower thinking of what he could do to make this better Peach was now leaving church. She didn’t want to go home so she sat in the truck Nikki normally drove scrolling through Instagram. There was a Dm from an actor she followed and she felt her cheeks flush and then her stomach tighten in guilt over the message that was nothing but friendly. It was just saying that he was wishing her a Happy Easter and he remembered last year how much she had posted about it. She had never talked to this person before so she just liked the message and wished him back a happy easter, heading home thinking about how another man had remembered Easter was her favorite holiday, picking up Nikki’s fumble. Then again, English men did have a lot of charm.

Peach pulled up outside, looking at the box on the front porch and feeling her heartbeat rise. Had Nikki hidden her present out here? She was rushing from the truck, looking at the package and opening it. Sure enough inside was an easter basket along with pink peonies, one of her favorite flowers. The basket was filled with candles and a blanket, a cute pair of rose quartz earrings, tea. All things of comfort that made her tilt her head, very aware that this wasn’t from Nikki.

She opened the note, gulping as she realized that not only had a man just slid into her DM’s but he had slid right onto her porch.

Peach knew she could bring this in and watch Nikki lose his mind, make him jealous or she could hide it in her trunk, which she absolutely was going to do. She tucked the note in her handbag, grabbed the flowers thinking of an excuse for where they came from, wondering with all that was going on if Nikki would notice or not. Stepping inside Peach looked and saw Nikki eating the food she laid out for him.

Her lips smiled at how he looked and she was thankful to be home with him. And maybe she wouldn’t be so petty today. But her heart raced as she thought about how another man had made her feel special and she felt guilty, wondering if she should mention it to Nikki.

He looked up, seeing her and smiling then and Peach knew she would have to keep this her dirty little secret.

[coldcrypt]

I'm marco, 26yo cis guy from UK. I got into weight loss because I wanted motivation to stop drinking around april 2022, and ended up bingeing and purging on avg 3 times a week for abt 6 months. I relapsed back into daily drinking (litre+ of vodka a day) and detoxed in hospital at the start of the year, but have been finding it really difficult to stop and stay stopped, so I'm back here. I've nearly died so many times recently from drinking and I just keep gaining/getting more and more swelling &bloating. If any alcoholics/bulimics have advice for someone who cant stop shovelling it in to get a sustainable deficit, I'd appreciate it a lot. My goal is to be safe about it, but I'm open to anything that works.

I'm experimenting with different methods of weight loss, sometimes fasting, sometimes rezzing, but am very inconsistent. I binge v often. This is not so much an accountability blog, more like recording what I've learnt and just venting. My bmi starting around may20th was 22 ish, was 5th june 20, 4th oct 22.5,and now 20.5 jan27th. Have to get it back to 20, but goal would be 18 with low body fat %. My main goal is to stop drinking and get healthier (thinner).

To do list:

get compression sleeves for running

Things that worked:

going to meetings make it much easier to abstain and think abt other things than food -> much easier rezzing

being distracted by things unrelated to food

having good food options for rezzing prepped, like boiled eggs, or having a solid stock of staples like steak, yoghurt, fruit and veg

not buying food that I will binge on, if I buy it, even if its not for me, I will eat it and get fat

taking longer routes/walking instead of getting train (energy, weather and mood permitting)

peppermint tea

keep it in the day. One day at a time really works, it just takes practise to get into mentally

supporting blood sugar throughout the day, especially if going out/socialising/towards the end of the day (when alc cravings pick up). This is best done with small amounts of carbs following a rly high protein 1st meal

Things that I was doing before but that didn't work out well:

taking K supplements (just eat s. potato for carb allowance, is filling too and has loads of K, stops palpitations when intermittent fasting)

pho, miso or gochujang as soup bases. They are too salty and lead to painful sluggish bloat.

Oyster sauce is not worth the cals

Diet sodas. Caffeine dependence builds really quickly and teeth need help

olive oil for sautéing vegetables. Pointless cals. Fats can come from lean meats like beef steak, eggs and occasional avo as well as omega3 supplements

fasting. At 18 hours I feel like I'm goin mental and at 22+ the palpitations make it uncomfortable to move around or do anything at all

strength training (esp core) at home without equipment. Dont enjoy it at all, not motivated at all

watching hours and hours a day of ED documentaries, scrolling ED tumblr, and watching hours of foodtube every day. Obsession -> binges

hard avoiding carbs. Leads to massive brain rot and feeling morbid. Can't do anything. Inevitable binges, usually alcohol, or 4000 cal of food.

sushi is not really worth it. White sushi rice is too sugary. Its usually a carb craving in disguise, or something to get on the go and is expensive.

weighing every morning just lead to trying to use caffeine as lax and more chaos on energy levels, or obsessing and not being distracted.

Press ups make my joints click a lot. Planking is really boring and doesnt feel rewarding.

Using sex for stim instead of food and cooking

Curious about:

feta, olives and cherry tomatoes for satiety.

Broccoli and mushrooms (annoying to prep or dont taste nice when boiled)

chicken sausages for cheap lean protein (think they can be a binge trigger or lead to mental scarcity feelings but not sure if worth)

ways to make cottage cheese not taste shit (cocoa powder is not cutting it)

cardio > strength training maybe. Runner's high > nothing from strength training (that I ever felt anyway).

Finding a way to enjoy strength training

yoga and stretching for stim

skipping breakfast has really mixed vibes. Can feel completely awful, but can also make rezzing much easier. Can also lead to binges in the evening (because there's unspent cals in the budget). Probably best to stick to eating breakfast but keeping it high protein and not eating right away when waking up.

Experiment with meds timings.

minced turkey or discount fish for lean protein variety

ways to make eating salad not miserable, cos it does work rly well for getting a deficit. (Maybe herbs and lemon and chickpeas? Make in bulk? Quinoa? Binge risk)

_____________

New plan from 4th Oct '23 can't be strict bc cant track exercise cals without a phone for looking at time spent walking and running so will need to do a gross-in instead of net- in quick basic (aspirational) plan:

1000 cal deficit/day for the next month -> 1500 gross in/day allowance

NO: baked beans, bone broth, oil, paté, pasta, alcohol, caffeine, quiche, cheese, instant snack food, pesto, chorizo, hummus, meal deal foods reason: too sugary or fatty for their worth in flavour. Cause binges every time when rezzing. Not filling enough. Caffeine leads to crashes and the pickmeup is usually food.

LESS: bread, onion, ketchup reason: can be useful carbs in a pinch, less likely to cause binges than above (because they are only accompanied with protein). Onion and ketchup help with mental scarcity and support good vibes

MORE: fruit, veg soup, sweet potato, tuna, s. noodles, fruit juice, avocado, egg, steak, quorn, butternut squash reason: sugar cravings need to be comboed with fibre addition, or fruit juice could be useful diluted for emergency alc cravings. Everything else is lean protein and should be frontloaded in the day. Sweet potato is there for potassium and low glycaemic index carbs. Avo and s. noodles are contentious bc of price and fat/nutritional value reasons

ALTERNATIVES TO EATING: gaming, reading, weighing, cleaning, brushing teeth, counting cals, weights, stretching, running, walking, meetings. mostly overeat because of boredom and to break monotony in free time or to stim. These are alternatives that work and also make rezzing easier in other ways.

[messedupfan]

When I Look At You | Chapter 8

Summary: Y/n begins to make progress on the house, Leigh slowly moves in, and a dog stumbles its way into their lives.

A/N: This is my first attempt at making a gif lol Hope you are doing well! IF YOU HAVE A NAME SUGGESTION FOR THE DOG PLEASE LET ME KNOW! Enjoy!

Masterlist | All Chapters | All Stories Taglist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first week in the house was rough. The second was a little easier. By the third, you made the decision to have the rooms boxed up. You order tens of boxes and put them together as you fill each of them with your wife and daughter’s things. Switching rooms after each box is done so that you don't feel too overwhelmed by taking them down. 

For the first time in years, you call Taylor's parents to offer things they might want of hers or of Allison’s. They were upset with how long it took you to contact them. Pointing out how insensitive you’ve been by shutting them out. They give a passive aggressive compliment about your newest book which you forgot they were on the PR list of who to send the book to until they mentioned it. They continued by saying that you looked very well on the news. As if nothing bad had ever happened to you. 

After they hang up on you with the request that you never contact them again, you sit in the closet with what is left in this world of your wife and you cry. You hold a pile of her clothes that still smell like her and scream into them. Frustrated from the phone call that you had with her parents. They never did like you because of how fast the relationship happened. They only tolerated you during the marriage because they did love their daughter and granddaughter. Now that both ties between you and them are gone you’re sure that they are happy that you’re out of their lives for good. They blamed you at the funeral and the last words from her mother before today were, “It should have been you.” Something that you couldn’t argue with, because you thought the same. Still do most days. You allow yourself to grieve and hate them for an hour before you resume packing. You couldn’t dig a hole for yourself. You couldn’t stop living again. You couldn’t let yourself rot in the closet. 

When the closet is done, you feel as empty as it is. Instead of dwelling on the emotion you make a phone call and a couple hours later, you are looking at dogs with Leigh in your office. “So you haven’t figured out what to do with this place,” she starts as you continue to scroll down the pages of dogs. You make a noise to acknowledge her. “And we’re still not moving in together,” she continues as she walks and plays with the trinket on the bookshelf. 

“Not unless you’ve changed your mind,” you turn to her. 

Leigh gives you a soft smile, “No, I haven't changed my mind.” She continues where she left off as wipes her finger on the shelf to collect some of the dust. She makes a face and can't wait for the day you want to clean. Or even hire someone to clean. “But you want to get a dog together now instead of later?” 

You offer her your hand to hold and she takes it. You pull her onto your lap in your desk chair and she makes a noise in surprise. Up until now, you haven't been this close to her in the house. “I am making the effort to show that I believe in us.” Slightly confused, she asks you to elaborate. “Getting a dog with you. I don't know.  I guess it symbolizes, at least to me, that I not only see a future with you. I want a future with you. I want to build a life with you.”

She hums, “So a little puppy is supposed to prove all of that to me?” 

You nod, “Well I could get a ring–”

“Woah,” she moves off of your lap. “I think a puppy is enough for now.” You laugh and pull her back to you to share a sweet kiss. When it ends the two of you remain close while gazing into each other's eyes. As much as you tried to avoid it, she indeed became your best view. Something that you’ll admit to her one day but you don’t want to hear her teasing right now. That’s not the mood you were in. “You don’t waste time, do you?” She has her fingers making soothing circles on your cheeks. 

“We never know how much time we have, why waste it?” You kiss her again. This one growing with her eager hands pulling on your shirt. Knowing where it leads, the action brings you out of the moment and you begin to panic a bit. “Hold on,” you whisper against her lips. Leigh stops and asks you what’s wrong. “Nothing it’s just…” She doesn’t need you to finish speaking, she has a pretty good guess as to what is stopping you. Guilt covers your features as you don’t want her to feel rejected and to reassure you that she is fine Leigh gives you a lingering kiss on your forehead. You smile at the affectionate way she treats you and change the subject. “So, tell me. What kind of dog is your dream dog?” 

She gets in a better position on your lap so she can take a look at your screen. Scrolling down a couple of pages, neither of you can make a decision. So you move onto what to eat and from there, what to watch. Normally, after food, the two of you would cuddle but when she makes the move you scoot further away. Leigh observes your tense body and wants to know what is really going on in your head that is making you pull away. It was getting difficult to continue pretending that she understood you and that the wall you seemed to be building didn't affect her. 

The past month since you moved back in has been tough on her as well. She missed you living close to her. She missed sneaking in your bed on the nights she didn't get to see you. She missed watching you come in from your morning run while she had a morning tea. She missed being touched by you. She missed you. This is the first time since you've been here that you have invited her over and she knew that this transition was going to be tough. But nothing could have ever prepared her for it. 

“It’s getting late,” you break her thoughts. 

“Is it?” She checks the time on her phone. It was only six thirty. You were trying to get rid of her. Despite the why, it still hurt. “Y/n,” she starts, “are we okay? I know you said getting a dog was supposed to mean that a future together is what you wanted but,“ she sighs. “Are we okay?” 

You scratch your cheek as you try to clear the scrambled thoughts in your mind. It was hard to find the right words to describe what you were feeling. The last thing you wanted to do was say something and give her the wrong idea and upset her. But you figure that holding back and not being straightforward would hurt her, and you never want to hurt her. “When I'm here with you or even just thinking about you, I feel like I'm cheating on them. I feel like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be. I don't know how to fix that,” you admit. It was a bit of a relief to finally be honest with her about the conflict. But you feel bad that you're having these confusing emotions. It didn't make sense, the only person you should be concerned about cheating on is Leigh because she is here. She is alive and she is your girlfriend. Sort of.

“I can understand that, love,” she says affectionately. Her tone and expression make you feel a little bit better and some of the tension releases from your body. “Why haven't you told me this before?” You shrug, not having any other answer. She takes a minute to figure out how to navigate the conversation if you’re not going to be as talkative. But she wanted to help you understand what you're feeling and why. “If I were to stay the night. What do you think that would do to you?” 

“I don’t have a bed for you to sleep in,” you abruptly shut the idea down. 

“Don’t you have a couple guest rooms?” You look off to the side and clench your jaw as you confirm that you do. “So what if I slept in one of them tonight, and you slept in your bed?” 

“I,” you trail off and take a big breath. “I don’t sleep in my bed. I sleep on the couch in my office,” you admit and rub your hand on your thigh. “I can’t bring myself to be in that unfinished room longer than an hour or two. I haven’t even tried to lay in that bed.” 

Leigh nods and starts to think of other things she can do to help make things easier for you. She suggests that you either finish the renovations Taylor started or come up with your own plan. Make the room your own. You take the moment to bring up if you make it your own, then it will have to be redone when she moves in. Leigh gives you a small smile. “So, you’re keeping the house?” Her challenge causes you to let out a humorless laugh. You didn’t know but you didn’t want to do anything that would have to be torn down by you. “Okay, if you really want to, we could do something together.” You massage your face in thought, it still feels wrong in some way. Redoing the rooms meant erasing what was once there. Erasing them. 

Though, you have to remind yourself that Taylor was going to gut the house room by room. She wanted the entire place to look brand new. She had felt this great need for change just before she died. If you were to go into her office, you would find the blueprints of the house and mood boards for every room. If you were to open her laptop you're almost certain that she left a few tabs of Pinterest open. She wanted to remove what was already once there. You should be allowed to do the same. 

“Okay, I think I like that idea. I think we can work with that,” you agree, moving closer to her and putting your arm across her shoulders. “You’re amazing, you know that?” She snuggles into you as she jokingly tells you that she does know. “Do you want to spend the night?” Leigh smiles into your chest and agrees as she lifts her head up to give you a kiss. 

Leigh wears your clothes for pajamas and sleeps in the guest room. At first, she is in there alone because you still feel odd about it. She hid her disappointment well as she bid you goodnight and crawled in by herself. To help her fall asleep, she hugs a pillow to her chest and puts another between her legs. But they couldn't replace the comfort you provide her. So she was unable to fall asleep. After an hour of you tossing and turning on your couch you decide to ignore all of the negative feelings against sharing a bed with her and storm out of your office. It was easier to fall asleep without her when she wasn’t near but knowing she’s under the same roof, your body refused to let you pretend you didn’t need her. Halfway to her room, you bump into each other. 

The two of you share a laugh at the situation, having the same intention to join the other. You start to scratch the back of your neck and she scratches her arm. Standing in front of each other awkwardly in the dark. Leigh reaches for your hand as a nonverbal invitation and waits for your next move. She wasn't going to make you share a bed with her if you weren't ready to. You rub her hand with your thumb in contemplation. After a couple of minutes of thought, you start heading towards the guest room. There was no way that you were going to make her sleep on that couch. You didn't want her back to hurt as much as yours does.

Walking in, your body is stiff and still uncertain about doing this. Then you feel something touch your chest and suddenly your body loosens. The heaviness in your heart releases as if it was healed. Your movements are more natural as you pull her further into the room. Leigh closes the door behind her. She waits for you to climb into the bed first and make yourself comfortable before she joins you. Leigh starts on the other end of the bed to respect your feelings and allow you to keep the control over the situation. You’re thankful for the gesture but find it a little unnecessary. 

“Come here, silly,” you whisper to her. Leigh doesn’t attempt to hide her excitement as she moves to be closer to you. She gives you a soft kiss on the lips as she settles herself against you the way that she has fallen in love with. Once she’s in her position you get an overwhelming wave of adoration for her and you feel that you have to express it to her in the moment. “I cannot wait to build a life and a family with you,” she tightens her arms around you in a wordless response. You almost weren’t sure that she was still awake or not. So you continue, “I love you and I want you for worse or for better.” 

Leigh tilts her head up to you and places her lips on your cheek. “I want you in sickness and in health,” she whispers. You smile at the words and continue to exchange the vows to her. She continues with you until they’re finished and at the end the two of you exchange a slow burning kiss that leaves you wanting more and more. 

The following weeks, the rooms get packed up and the boxes get divided up into donate, store, and toss out piles. You try to toss out and donate as little as possible before putting the rest of the boxes in the basement for storage. Leigh spends the night every Friday after you take her out on a date. On Saturdays, the two of you spend time going over ideas for redecorating the rooms before she goes back home. Sometimes when neither of you can agree on this or that she will invite some of her friends over for the extra input. Only problem was that her friends Drew and Becca side with her on everything, so you invite Jules and Stevie over in order to keep things fair. She found it funny that you chose to have her sister on your side but her sister made it clear that she liked you better. Leigh pretended to be offended but was far from it.

When the two of you actually start to make progress on the house, she brings her mother around for the two of you to get to know each other better. It was Leigh’s way of showing you that she is serious about you because the last person she brought to meet her parents was Matt. Amy wasn’t surprised when she heard about the book deal her daughter was given, she always knew that her daughter was a talented and hardworking writer. She was surprised when you stayed in her daughter's life and even more surprised when the two of you got together. But she wasn’t opposed to it. In fact, by the end of the first dinner she had given you her approval of being with her daughter. As she was leaving, she established a new dinner schedule with you, Leigh, and Jules to share a meal on Sundays. Which Leigh wasn’t too thrilled about, Jules didn’t mind, and you were thrilled to oblige. It was the first time a parent of someone you were with actually liked you. Plus, it added to the amount of days Leigh stayed at your house. She went from once a week to the whole weekend. 

When you meet her father for the first time, the man acts a little hostile towards you. Something you were prepared for but still irritated by. No one likes being treated like they're not good enough for the person they’re with. Even if they think it themselves. Leigh left his place unhappy, which he noticed, so Richard invited the two of you over to try again. She denied the first three invitations. You convince her on the fourth time to give him another chance. Since you never met your father and your relationship with your mother is practically non-existent, you know what it's like to be without family. You didn't want her to shut her dad out because of you. She reluctantly agrees to another meal with him. 

The second dinner with him goes smoother than the first. He is a little more inviting and his questioning is less of an invasive interrogation. Although the pair of you can tell he still dislikes you, Leigh saw that her dad was trying. It means something to her to see that. All she can hope for is that he doesn't offer her a getaway car at her next wedding. If there ever is one, of course. She hopes that there will be, but of course she wasn’t going to pressure you. As for you, the last thing you were looking for was his approval of the relationship. It wasn’t important for you, especially knowing his history of infidelity. But it was important for Leigh that you and her father at least get along, so you swallow your disdain for the man and play nice.

Returning to the house with her after dinner feels normal and the normalcy feels refreshing. The lingering guilt and grief that used to haunt you is no longer there. You watch Leigh as she comfortably makes her way around the house as if she lives there. She practically does as it is, there was still a conversation to be had about it. For weeks you’ve been putting it off. But now, the thought doesn't scare you or make you feel as conflicted as it once did. In fact, the thought of her officially living here with you sounds exciting. “What’s that look for?” Leigh asks with her adorable smile as she catches you staring. 

“I’m keeping the house,” you confidently state. “And I think we should stop pretending you don't live here and you should move in. If you want to, of course.” 

Leigh is impressed by the certainty in your voice, so she doesn't question it or make you second guess yourself. “Okay, I'll move in with you. But not until we finish up our room first. Just to make the transition easier.” 

You beam at her, “Okay, yeah, after our room is done sounds just fine.” From there she says that she's going to jump in the shower before bed and you make a joke about joining her. Without a second thought she  hooks her fingers in the collar of your shirt and makes the joke into a real thing. After all, the two of you had something to celebrate.

A couple days after making it official that the two of you are going to live together, something odd happens. While leaving a paint store you and Leigh watch an angry man chase a small dog down an alleyway. The dog appeared to have something of the man’s but you didn’t like the way he was screaming at the animal. By the look of it, neither did Leigh. You hand her the paint cans that you were carrying and tell her that you’ll meet her in the car. She tells you to be careful as she lets you go and you promise that you will be. 

“You good for nothing mutt! You ruined it!” The man lifts his leg, gearing to kick the dog. 

“Excuse me, sir!” You shout, successfully stopping the old man from harming the dog. 

“Mind your business!” He shouts. “This damn thing is always scaring away business and stealing from my bakery! It’s about time someone put it down!” He turns back to the helpless dog. This time you run up to him and push him into the pile of garbage bags. You apologize, toss a few bills from your wallet onto his chest and scoop up the dog. Although the man pockets the money, he was still furious as he began to chase after you. 

Luckily, Leigh wasn’t too far and she had her window rolled down. “Start the car!” You shout as you continue to run in her direction. She doesn’t understand your urgency until she sees the angry man yelling profanities at you. 

“What did you do?” She asks as you enter the car with the dog. You promise to explain later. “You better!” She says as she pulls out of the parking spot and drives away. You look behind you to find the old man slowing down and raising his middle fingers at you.

“Damn, the elderly aren’t so elderly anymore,” you say, slightly out of breath. The dog starts to lick your face out of gratitude and you laugh as you process what just happened. “I think we need to get you to the vet,” you say to the dog. “Do you think there’s a place that will take a last minute walk-in?” You ask your girlfriend. 

“No clue, but you can look one up while you tell me what the hell happened back there,” she snaps. She wasn’t a fan of adrenaline rushes and having to get the two of you out of there gave her one. 

“Smart,” you say and dig in the front pocket for your phone. “I rescued this poor thing from a very grumpy man. Ain’t that right?” You speak in a goofy voice as you answer her question and pet the dog. Leigh settles down at a red light as she looks at you with the stray dog in your lap. It was panting a lot and that concerned her. She didn’t think it was a good sign. “Oh! Okay, the website for this place says that they do emergency walk-ins for rescued strays!” You put the address into the gps just in time for the cars to start moving again. “Do you think we should keep him? Or her?” As you ask Leigh, the dog snuggles its head into your chest. 

“Let’s see what the vet says first,” she responds and you agree. You had no idea what could be going on with the dog. Arriving at the veterinary office, you begin to feel as nervous as the dog. But it was better to get them checked out than to blindly take them home. Leigh signs the dog in and the two of you sit in the waiting room until it’s your turn. Leigh holds your hand when you have to leave the dog alone to be checked out. “I wonder if this is a sign,” she says. You give her a confused look and she bumps her shoulder against yours. “When you couldn’t decide on the house and I couldn’t decide if I was ready to move in with you, we couldn’t decide on a dog. Now that we did both of those things, maybe he’s supposed to be ours.” 

The corner of your mouth lifts, “You think so?” She shrugs her shoulders. As you think about it some more, you begin to really hope that everything is okay with the dog and that anything that might be wrong with him will be an easy fix. It’s a while before the two of you are called back to the room and they inform you that there was no microchip in him. Which meant that he has probably been on the street his entire life. The veterinarian says that he is now updated on all of his shots and that he will need a flea bath if you decide to take him home. She includes that she did have to give him a few stitches as it appeared that he had cuts under his fur that could be from anything. You had your guesses but you didn’t want to upset yourself. Other than being hungry and dehydrated, the dog appeared to be in good health. 

After filling out some paperwork and being taught the process of registering him, the two of you get the okay to take him home. You and Leigh leave the building with a new giddiness. “I did not think we would be getting a dog today,” you say, still processing how you went from arguing over shades of blue to now owning a dog. “What do you think we should name him?” 

Leigh looks at the sleeping dog through the rearview mirror and hums in thought. “Bandit,” she states. You look at her funny but she sticks with the name. “What? He stole something when we found him and you have to admit, that’s a pretty cute name.”  

“Technically, he didn’t steal it because I paid for it,” you correct and she slouches back into the driver’s seat.

“Then you come up with a name,” she says. “Look for a pet store while you do so we can pick up some things.” You do as she says and on the short ride to the pet store you try to think of a name for the dog but come up short. He didn’t look like a Bandit to you but you couldn’t place any other name on him. “I hope when we have a kid it will not be as difficult to name them,” you frown. 

Leigh’s heart jumps at your words and instead of teasing you and making you back away from what you said she asks, “How did you name Allison?” 

You let out a soft laugh and turn to her, “Taylor had the name picked out long before we even met. She was really good with names. Did I ever tell you that she named every character in my books?” 

“No, I didn’t know that actually,” she pulls into the parking lot outside the store. “Are you coming or are you going to stay in here and let Bandit get his rest?” You shake her head at her silliness as you inform her that you’re staying in the car. “Okay, I won’t take long,” she pecks you on the lips before leaving the car. 

You turn around to pet the sleeping dog and sigh. “You’re not a Bandit. You’re more of a…” a name fails to come to mind. “Okay, I don’t know what you are. But you are not a Bandit.” Leigh returns to the car thirty minutes later with a couple bags. She didn’t get much because she wanted you to be able to give your input, so she got the basics of what will be needed for the night. A small bag of food, a couple of bowls, a few chew toys and things to get rid of fleas. Pulling out of the parking lot, she asks if you have come up with a name yet and laughs when you admit that you don’t have one yet. 

“It’s okay to accept defeat, love. Bandit is most definitely his name,” she teases. You cross your arms over your chest with a stubborn attitude as you continue to reject the name. “I know I should be annoyed with you right now, but I can’t help but find you so adorable.” You roll your eyes at her words. The rest of the night, Leigh orders the dog around using the name she has given him for the time being and since you don’t have an alternative, you allow it. You wash the dog as she makes dinner and let him roam around the backyard. The two of you eat your meals outside to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t escape. He was a surprisingly well behaved dog but you were still going to make an appointment with a dog trainer. 

When it comes to bedtime he jumps on the bed and lays in between the two of you. Leigh almost kicks him out but you convince her otherwise. She agrees as long as he sleeps next to her instead of in between because she needs to be in your arms. You agree to her terms and the two of you shuffle under the covers until the both of you are comfortable. The dog follows along with the both of you and settles himself against Leigh once she is settled. She lovingly strokes his fur as she thinks of how she wants to address what you said in the car earlier. “So,” she starts in a whisper, “you want to have a kid with me?” The question makes you smile and you press your lips against the back of her neck as you confirm that you want kids with her. The clarification makes her happier than she imagined she would be. 

It was all becoming so real to her and like you, she didn’t want to waste a second of it. With the way everything seemed to be falling perfectly into place, she felt that the only thing left to do was to ask you, “Will you marry me?”

Chapter 9

Taglist: @madamevirgo @wqndanat @thisischaismagic @artisannat @olsensnpm @evenbeingcrazy1998 @bentleywolf29 @awkwardmandalorian @agaymilflover @sayah13 @princessprudy  @wandsmxmff @wandavisionmoot @angryraisin @likefirenrain @tearsofglitter @feltlikethat

[cursestothemoon]

yay for the open requests! I really reallyyyyyy love your Harry's older sister hc, could u pretty pls do more? like their brief life as a family with lily and james, then to the dursleys and then at war, so on. I agree with the anon that did the request, harry does needed a bigger sister❤️

aH I LOVED THESE REQUESTS

YOU GUYS CAN READ THE HEADCANONS THIS ANON IS TALKING ABOUT HERE

ok so this is L O N G i need to add a keep reading tab

alright so let's talk about harry's older sister

so lily and james did not plan you

they were straight out of hogwarts

just having fun

and suddenly lily is having morning sickness and james running into a store to buy a pregnancy test (or whatever the wizard equivalent would be 😗)

james would be so nervous the weeks leading up to your birth

he already knows that you aren't even here yet and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for you

and when you are born

he swears he'd never love anything as much as he loves you

his little girl

this sweet little lump of baby fat that was born with eyes just like his

he'd put his glasses on your little baby face, and he could laugh for hours at the way they just barely sat on your little nose (a miniature version of his)

your chubby little baby hands are his favorite

when you'd plan your hands on his face or wrap your hand around his finger he'd melt

Lily would joke all the time about how she carried the baby yet James is constantly hogging her

I think james would have some serious separation anxiety

Lily would also have trouble leaving you to go do something but she knew that you getting to see other people would be good

james is NOT a fan

and you were a big daddy's girl

"it's going to be alright, darling, uncle Padfoot and uncle Moony will take care of you."

and you'd respond with sad baby talk, something along the lines of 'daddy' and 'wanna stay with you' and you'd get all teary eyed

it's a whole dramatic scene

youre crying

james is about to cry

Sirius is quite literally trying to sob silently into his hand because you just look so sAD

and remus and lily are just

😐

because you guys do this eVERY TIME

there was one time james got back into the car with lily after dropping you off and he was unusually quiet until he kinda just whispered out

"It just feels like i'll never have enough time with her, like one day i'll wake up and suddenly she's not mine anymore."

his tone gave Lily the worst chills, his tone and the fact that she felt the same though never voiced it

honestly

i don't think harry was planned either

he kinda just happened

and they were like

you know what, yes.

so you were two when harry was born

and you LOVED your baby brother

he was so small

so cute

and he had your mum's green eyes

from the get go you were very protective of your little brother

james thought it was the cutest thing

ok ive been avoiding it

but we need to talk about October 31 1981

you were upstairs with our mum and harry

james was downstairs cleaning up from dinner

that was when there was a knock on the door

assuming it was peter, uncle wormtail, james was quick to go open the door

grabbing his wand for protection was the last thing on his mind

the thud of his body was loud

he was killed before he could even open his mouth to warn Lily

the door to Harry's nursery flew open and it all happened so fast

there was screaming

bargaining

a sudden flash fo green before Voldemort turned to harry

his cold, pale hand pushed you out of his way

the prophecy had said nothing about you, so he didn't care for what happened to you he just needed to kill harry

which obviously backfired

half the house was blown up

he was gone

harry was crying

and you just wanted your dad

you found your way downstairs, just barely making it down the steps

lily and james had never let you go up or down the steps on your own

only to come face to face with your dad just lying on the ground motionless

his eyes were still open

now i want you guys to think of the lion king

you know the scene where simba finds mufasa's dead body and just lays with it because he doesn't know where else to go

you just wanted any kind of comfort you could find

so with tear streaks going down your face you slayed next to your dad, getting as close as you could, hoping he'd just wake up

sirius is the one who finds you, asleep next to james' body

it was rather rough for sirius

and he could hear harry crying somewhere upstairs

you wake up to uncle padfoot trying to keep in his tears as he takes in the scene before him

you're just glad to see a familiar face

you run over to him, tears freshly falling as you wail about how daddy and mommy won't wake up

you also gently pull james' glasses off his face and keeping them in your small hand

keeping them safe for him later

you knew he didn't like to sleep with his glasses on

eventually hagrid shows up

you guys know the story

but i will say

it takes a lot for you to leave uncle pads and go with this big strange man

youre basically heaving as you beg to stay with sirius

and forcing you off his hip and onto the bike with hagrid was the worst thing he's ever had to do

even for a two year old, youre eyes held such a strong emotion of betrayal

sirius would never forget it

the dursley's were not fond of you and harry

you had james temper and stubbornness

harry was just a 6 month old baby

doing 6 month old baby things

for the first month you'd ask for james, lily, uncle moony, uncle padfoot, even uncle wormtail on a daily basis

until one day petunia just snapped

you had asked about sirius, or as you called him uncle padfoot, and petunia lost it

she started to shout, her hand coming out to strike your cheek as she told you that no one was coming

not now

not ever

you never asked after that

over time you forgot about sirius and remus and peter

you forgot about the song your dad would sing every saturday morning when making breakfast

or the way your mom would hum when she brushed your hair

all lily and james had become were familiar scents and the same pair of eyes you'd see in your dreams (though for a long time you just assumed they were your eyes, they looked enough like yours)

and you grew up always feeling like you were on the wrong side of a billowing curtain

you and harry grew up only having each other

you were very protective of him

and dudley hated it

because you had James art for pranks

and his art for rarely getting caught

unfortunately for you petunia and vernon didn't need evidence to incriminate you

you were often on the receiving end of disciplinary swats and missed meals

and you'd often take harry's punishments for him

you and harry were also forced to share a room

or cupboard

you let him decorate it with all his things (he didn't have many)

and you guys shared a bed up until you got your hogwarts letter

which that was kept very quiet

you got the letter

and petunia and vernon were just glad to be able to send you and your pranks away

you weren't allowed to tell harry

but you did anyway

secretly

you didn't tell him all the details but you told him that you were going to a school far away and you'd be back whenever aunt petunia let you back

going to school was interesting

you didn't know anyone

bUT HAGRID WAS ALSO THERE TO HELP YOU AND BUY YOU YOURE STUFF AND HE BOUGHT YOU YOUR FIRST WAND

you still have james' glasses

you put them on when youre nervous

so youre sitting in the train

first day

you don't know anyone

big round glasses sitting on your nose as you look out the window barely able to see what's going on

james was as blind as a bat

on the train you spend your time reading your new books

absorbing all the material

you were not going to just walk into this new school of mAGIC not knowing aNYTHING

by the time you got there you were at leas base level with most subjects

some were easier to catch onto than others

as long as you didn't let the logical side of your brain do too much work

within the first week you'd find out about your parents

curtesy of older gryffindor kids who knew your last name and were just amazed by the story

oH ALSO YOURE IN GRYFFINDOR

AND WHEN MCGONAGALL READS YOUR NAME SHE GASPS TO HERSELF

BECAUSE

Y/N POTTER

she remembers when james had written to her with the news of Lily's pregnancy with you

and how he was nervous you'd come out just like him and he wouldn't be able to handle you as well as she had, he was asking her for advice

and when you walked up to sit on the chair she nearly dropped her scroll of parchment and pulled you into a hug

you looked just like him

dark hair

pale skin

same eyes and eye shape

and same habit of picking at the skin around your thumb nail when nervous

the hat announcing you were a gryffindor was very overwhelming for her

then she realizes you

are e x a c t l y

like james

and merlin is she tiRED OF THIS SHIT

ok so at this point i am going to direct you to the other headcanon (linked above) if you want a more fred x reader approach 

continue here if not

so youre on the quidditch team

and youre a natural 

let me tell you

you just have the innate ability 

much like james

and at first they had you as a seeker

and you were good

but you excelled as a chaser 

i also firmly believed that there was a practice broom that james had carved his name into

or maybe just a ‘J.P.’

that was the broom you'd practice on

even use for games before you got your own broom

ok so

let’s talk your relationship with harry 

you made sure you were the one to tell him what happened to your parents

as i said it was your first year when you fond out about what happened 

the gryffindor student had told you what they knew

and you went to professor mcgonagall pretty distraught 

you were near tears as you practically begged her to just tell you what happened, you wanted the truth 

because all your life your aunt and uncle had told you that your parents had been killed in a car accident 

needless to say 

you didn't want harry to find out that way

but you also knew he was noticing the stares

the whispers

so you told him on the first night

he had already been put into gryffindor and was getting ready for bed when you are up to his dorm 

bECAUSE IT’S CANON THAT GIRLS CAN GO UP INTO THE BOYS DORMS AND BOYS CANT GO UP INTO THE GIRLS DORMS AND I WILL CITE THE PARAGRAPH IF ANYONE NEEDS

and you kinda push out ron, neville, and dean 

but yeah thats how he finds out all the details and such 

ok so you and harry are sUPER CLOSE

and you are very 

v e r y

protective of harry 

you'd do anything for the kid 

wHEN YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THE WHOLE SORCERER’S STONE FIASCO 

YOU ARE LIVID

because harry is your baby brother and you love him so much and don't like seeing him hurt 🥺

as harry grows older he gets a bit more

embarrassed 

about having you protective over him

and im pretty sure i mentioned this in the last headcanon post 

but yeah he’d be like 14 and you'd be 17 and he'd just

“stOP this is so emBARRASSING”

what a little dweeb

ok leTS TALK ABOUT SIRIUS 

BECAUSE YOU AND SIRIUS WERE CLOSE WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER

HE WAS UNCLE PADFOOT

YOU LOVED HIM

until your fifth year (harry’ third) when you were told he betrayed your parents and got them killed 

youre in the whomping willow when with harry, hermione, and ron 

its a lot for both of you

because sirius is seeing his goddaughter who looks just like james, and his the same fire in her eyes as his bestrfriend

his b r o t h e r 

and youre seeing the man who was responsible for your parents murder 

again 

it was A LOT

i have a feeling you, JAMES POTTERS DAUGHTER, would just lunge at him 

and youre crying

trying to hit him

hurt him like he hurt you

just anything to bring pain upon this man

and sirius is having flashbacks of when you had ran to him from next to james’ lifeless body 

and how different everything had been just days prior to October 31 1981

upon finding out the truth 

scammers is now wormtail

peter ‘little bitch ass’ pettigrew

you and harry are immediately forming this connection

this sort of dependency on sirius 

within a few minutes

because he is the only living connection you have to your dad 

apart from yourselves of course

but eh was the only reminder that james potter was a real man 

and lily potter did exist 

and there was a time where your family was complete 

it never crossed your mind that any more misfortune could strike 

not now 

not when you finally got back your uncle pads

and then you guys walk into the moonlight, the full moon light

everything flips instantly 

you guys are back to square one 

i like to think you have a very big part in getting sirius free 

so you guys know what happen in between prisoner of azkaban and order of the phoenix 

and this headcanon is already getting very long and we haven't even gotten to the wAR YET 

so we are doing a little time jump

order of the phoenix 

your last year

you are living with sirius in grimmauld place 

petunia and vernon kicked you out once you turned 17 after finding out that was the legal age in the wizarding world

you and sirius are close 

super close

i mean he is like a father figure to you

he is uncle pads again

oOO AND OK 

SO 

AFTER FINDING OUT HIS DAD AND HIS BROS 😤

WERE ALL UNREGISTERED ANIMAGI 

OBVIOUSLY YOU WANTED TO BE ONE TOO 

youre a gazelle 

it just makes sense

father figure sirius is not happy when he finds out

uncle pads, however, couldn't be happier

its finally starting to feel like a family again

you and harry have sirius 

aLSO REMUS

icon

anyway

everything is falling into place

you and harry are filling the james sized hole in Sirius’ heart (not completely but it’s better)

and he is doing the same for you two

you and harry love your uncle pads

then the battle in the department of mysteries happens 

youre there

you see it 

you watch as bellatrix hits sirius with a curse 

youre not sure which 

nothing too serious you hope, and seeing that he’s still standing he should be fine 

but then he stumbles

she's stunned him perhaps 

and he makes eye contact with you

there was a look so final, so sad

yet so relieved in his eyes as you watched him fall through the veil

remus grabbed harry

tonks held you

if she hadn’t been you knew you would've thrown yourself into the veil after him

its a whirlwind from then on let me tell you

so we know what happens

all that fun stuff 

the war hits

harry, hermione, and ron leave

youre left with the weasley’s 

it’s hard being away from harry

not knowing if he was ok

if he was even alive 

you guys finally reunite at shell cottage 

bill calls you the second he sees harry, hermione, ron, and dobby apparate in front of his house

you were quick to pull harry into a bone crushing hug 

keen on never letting go 

because after all he is still (and always will be) your baby brother 

you guys are all at the battle of hogwarts

oK WAIT

SO

YOU REFUSE TO LET HARRY WALK TO HIS DEATH ALONE

ALSO YOUVE FIGURED WHAT HE PLANS ON DOING BUT NEITHER OF YOU HAVE SAID ANYTHING

NOT WANTING TO ACCEPT THAT THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME YOU GUYS SEE EACH OTHER 

AND THE RESURRECTION STONE COMES OUT 

BOTH YOU AND HARRY ARE HOLDING ONTO IT 

AND SUDDENLY

SIRIUS 

REMUS 

THERE ALL THERE 

EVEN A WOMAN WITH RED HAIR 

AND A MAN WHO LOOKS PAINFULLY FAMILIAR 

ok so hear me out 

i think harry enjoyed looking at pictures of james and lily

but you didnt

you didnt want to see everything that was taken from you

so you weren’t super aware of what your dad actually looked like seeing as you avoided pictures of him and your mom like the plague 

but you just knew 

and james was standing there

beaming

and he just looked so proud of you and harry 

so did lily 

she was the first one to say something 

“Your father and I are so proud of the both of you”

and you just broke down 

james right there with you 

he watched as you sobbed, choking on your cries 

and he couldn’t do anything about it 

he couldn’t hold you or comfort you

he couldn’t be a dad 

and it broke him

as much as it could break a dead man 

“you’ve grown so beautiful, darling” he'd smile sadly

his voice seemed to bring back all of your memories once lost 

“have you always been here, with us?”

“always.”

“typical, your father shows up and everyone forgets about uncle padfoot”

both you and harry laugh at that 

but the mood was somber 

harry then speaks up

“does it hurt?”

it was the first time either of you had confirmed that you both knew what was going to happen 

“dying? not at all, quicker than falling asleep.”

“will you stay with me?”

“until the very end. 

james is the one who answers, looking teary eyes at his son

and you know you cant go any further 

harry has to do this alone 

its quite symbolic actually 

the one time you'd let go of the reigns 

removed the protective arms you had around your baby brother 

he’d die 

but you had to do it 

so everything goes as planned 

harry dies

comes back

we love a resurrecting king 

and the war ends 

when you got back home from the war 

let’s say you are still living at grimmauld place seeing as it was left to you 

the first thing you do is go through old photos with harry 

any and everything you can get your hands on 

you see your mother’s sparkling green eyes

the same eyes your brother had 

and your father’s unruly mop of curls 

the same wave pattern in your dark hair 

everything finally felt right 

tags:

@pogueslandia

@vsawyer1989​

@lifeofkaze

@siriusement

@erinruby003

@maybesandohnos

@onlyfreds

@fullofsourgrapes

[bondsmagii]

heya so random question but how did you develop the discipline to read three hours every day as like. a Thing as opposed to just when you felt like it. bc I. Am trying so hard and struggling with just even fifteen minutes a day even tho I have the time and I’m like ??? why brain so bad at habit making when it’s something I enjoy !! And anyways I was wondering how you do it / started doing it and if you had any advice for someone who also probably has adhd and too many books they want to read 😩💜

I am so sorry it took me like. months. to reply to this lmao I am not often online long enough to respond properly to messages and I have Standards (even if it takes me months...)

anyway. my secret was simple. a stopwatch. (or the timer on your phone, but I find a stopwatch makes it easier to avoid endless scrolling every time you pause to go pee or something.)

when I first started getting back into reading, my attention span was god-awful and there was no way I could to 3-4 hours of reading a day (I started aiming for 3, and now do 4, except on weekends where I read for as little or as long as I like). like, the chunk was so fucking massive that lol no. so in the beginning I aimed for 3 hours, but realistically I was just trying to get as close as I could.

the stopwatch was the trick to this. you do not have to do this reading all in one single chunk. I would start the timer, and read for a while, and then when my attention began straying I would pause the timer and go do something else. I'd do this all day, and then see where I was at by the end of the day. at first it was 20 minutes, 40 minutes, an hour. gradually it began creeping up. soon it was at 3 hours, and I was reading in chunks of an hour at a time. it was slow but gradual progress, but after a year I was reading for 4 hours a day and, if I wanted to, I could read that 4 hours in one single chunk.

so yeah -- be patient, work your way up to it, and internalise the idea that you do not have to sit down and do it all in one go if you don't want to. even when you reach the point where you could, you still don't have to if you're not feeling it. an Endless Task Block is absolutely terrible for ADHD, so remove that block. stop and start. do other things in between. and remember even in the early days where you're not getting close to your goal, you're still making progress.

(also, as a side note: cutting down my time on social media helped. the instant gratification I got from the constant new content made it very difficult for me to see the point in drawn-out tasks with no immediate entertainment value, and literally rotted my brain with mediocre content to the point where I couldn't appreciate anything that wasn't immediately "lol, reblog" or whatever. going cold turkey and kicking my internet addiction has done absolute wonders for my attention span, not just in reading, but also in all aspects of my life. when you get offline, time slows down, and that's good. an ADHD brain needs constant input, but eventually the input becomes so constant it's overwhelming, and it no longer works. sometimes you have to reset.)