#making fun of bdd part?

[chatonmagique]

Me trying to wear a cute outfit.

My mind: "You look like this"

[gunkbaby]

Would you ever cosplay Shuu?

Fun fact! so i have extremely debilitating social anxiety—

Short answer: No. I’m not into cosplay! I have rly bad body dysmorphia and dreadful anxiety so the idea of it is rather Hellish! I can’t see myself ever doing that. I can’t even order coffee, let alone cosplay! I only like online attention, unfortunately.

Long answer: However. My everyday style is very much a Frankenstein of Shuu-esque colours and clothes, whatever my fashion dolls are wearing, and my personal girly/coquette style. I guess you could call it domestic cosplay. I recreate some of his outfits - mostly the cardigans and trouser. I intend on making that abrasive cardigan he wears in the anime myself! Baggy asf bc bdd + im genuinely fugy af. Can’t wear t-shirts so i really just stick to that preppy nature of his style - sometimes i swap trousers for skirts bc im just a girl at the end of the day. In the future i hope i can maybe recreate some of his eye makeup on the stage play that won’t suck. I’ve considered dying parts of my hair purple but I’m a natural blonde, so it would only be in parts/extensions bc i like my natural. I also want to include some pink too.

So no. I do soft core cosplay in my everyday life, but I have no interest in cosplaying Shuu. I see myself in him, he is comforting for me, he is good for me in so many ways, but I feel like I would never want to play as him. I am merely inspired by him in my fashion. <3

I don’t really understand cosplay in that way, really. I guess.

[ao3-oner]

My (Personal) Favorite LCK Teams for the 2024 Season

1. KT Rolster

My beloved coinflip team! I love all of them, from certified class clowns Pyosik and BeryL to chill veterans Deft and Bdd to rookie PerfecT who's honestly just along for the ride. Their games are so fun, and their team energy is exactly the same as five random guys who queue up together on weekends (the jokes, the "ohh!"s, how supportive they all are). To top it all off, their gameplay is so unpredictable that you never know what to expect from them, regardless of whether they're playing the top ranked team or the 10th place one, making them all the more entertaining to watch. There's only one guarantee in a KT match, and that's that you're in for a show. I'm incredibly e-word to see how they play out the rest of this season, and I am very much rooting for them to make Worlds come autumn (especially knowing what DRX pulled in 2022 with three of these same players).

2. T1

Given my username, this is no shocker - in fact it's a bit surprising that T1 isn't in the top spot - but I am so hype for the third

consecutive year of this T1 starting line-up. Faker has been playing phenomenally this split, and when accompanied by the legendary Mat-and-Pat Oner-Zeus on the top side of the map, supported by the best bot duo in the world, Gumayusi-Keria, I can't wait to see how far these reigning World champions will go in tournaments this year. Watching them thrive always feels so satisfying. Although part of me doubts it, I'm hoping that if they play well enough this year, there's a chance that we might even get the same roster yet again in 2025 (and then honestly just send all of T1 to Asia Games in 2026?), but I'm getting too ahead of myself - for now I just hope they all play well this year. T1, fighting!

3. Tie Between GenG and DK

Canyon and ShowMaker divorced and split custody of this ranking, what can I say. I have always loved watching ex-Damwon, now D Plus Kia, although in recent years it has very much felt like the Canyon-and-ShowMaker-show. Now that Canyon is on GenG, DK has become simply "ShowMaker and his posse", although it has been working fairly well for them. I am a big fan of Lucid and have loved watching all his highs and lows this split - he has my vote for rookie of the year to be sure. Then, ofc, there's the villains of every T1 fanstory: the Church of Chovy. His plays are so clean that I can't help but be a fan of him, though. Then, of course, there's the legendary Lehends my beloved. Truly the Holy Ghost of supports, to BeryL's Father and Keria's Son. I'm glad that he and Peyz have started working on their synergy a bit more because I am counting on either GenG or T1 to win MSI so that all four of these favorite teams can make worlds this year :)

Honorable mention goes to OK Brion (especially Our Lord Morgan) for being so fun and resilient - watching their Mic Checks always makes me crack up. I have been a BROliever since the start of the season and I was absolutely thrilled that they were able to get some matches under their belt, so although it's highly unlikely that they'll make it to any international tournaments this year, I am wishing them well in the upcoming LCK Summer Split.

[memorymessage]

my body dysmorphia gets- just- completely uncalled for and out of control in my dreams sometimes

sometimes (often, sadly) i'll have dreams where any time i'm around people, everyone acts like i'm the most hideous, abhorrent creature—no one wants to talk to me, people subtly make fun of me, they speak over me or otherwise avoid me.

this did actually happen to me once in real life when i went to my first anime convention. but it might not be because they thought of me as some hideous creature—i was 13, and they were all 18-20 (i had to have my 18yo friend sign in as my guardian to even get into the event), and i honestly wouldn't want to hang out with a 13yo at 18 anyway.

but maybe some of them did think of me as fat and ugly. my friend's sister was 14, and they didn't treat her badly. she was actually who i was hanging out with most, before her friend got there. after he arrived, he started treating me like a freak as well, and my friend's sister stopped talking to me, too.

they were all really rude, and i literally did not have a choice in being a part of their group, since minors cannot be unattended. i would be lying if i said that one incident didn't damage my self perception irreparably. i felt so disgusting that whole day, i had to have my dad come pick me up early.

shortly after that, my ED started getting bad—i became underweight, and i got really good with hair and makeup. i still remember having thoughts like "i wonder if i went to back to that convention and ran into them again, if they would still treat me badly."

i just... i have a feeling i know the answer to that question. and it's part of the reason i have these types of dreams to this day.

but BDD feels like... it doesn't matter how much weight you lose, or how you do your hair or makeup. deep down, even unconsciously, you still think of yourself as that ugly, fat pariah. maybe they would have treated me better for being "prettier", but the damage was already done.

after i stopped doing hair and make up, gained weight, and started experimenting with gender identity, all those feelings came to the surface again. like i couldn't hide myself in an outward shield of being "conventionally attractive" with my fake face and fake hair anymore. any time i would go to a party, i would have this permanent unconscious awareness that i am the weirdest one in the entire room—i do not belong.

13 year old me sitting alone in a corner of a convention center floor while an entire group chats amongst themselves. that's who i am. that's where i belong.

at these parties in my late teens and early 20s, any time guys would show interest in me or try to hookup with me i would just think to myself "they're probably just desperate and going for the fattest, ugliest fish in the barrel because they think it's easier."

there was one guy that repeatedly showed interest in me and would go out of his way to hang out with me, hug me, talk to me, etc. and all i could think was "he probably has a bleeding heart and feels bad for me. the attention is just pity."

i still 100% believe all these rhetorics. to this day. i feel like i can't even hide my ugliness beneath makeup anymore. sure it makes me look better than my usual appearance, but... it's like putting lipstick on a pig.

and yes, social isolation has damaged me irreparably as well. i never have my poor self perception challenged. i think of myself like a freakish alien and am allowed to persist with that idea because i have no one to challenge it. i sit alone with my body dysmorphia and let my ideas of myself run wild—my features metaphorically warp until i'm a twisted amalgamation of a human with barely any humanity left in my countenance, and i don't have anybody there to ground me back to reality with a simple "you look nice today."

i've told myself so many times that i can't rely on the positive comments of others to heal my broken self perception—it puts too much power of validation in the hands of others. usually, that is how one deals with intense body dysmorphia, to not seek outward validation. but i am an isolated being—an anomaly to the standard of healing, because not only do i not have anybody to give a compliment here or there, i don't have anybody to simply perceive me.

see me, treat me as another normal person. just give me some sort of sign that i am not hideous.

my outings are so rare, i'm looking over my shoulder at my shadow to make sure it hasn't morphed into an amorphous creature on the rare occasions i do step out.

and yet...

it doesn't even matter.

what i do and how i live my life doesn't matter. it's never changed. nothing i have ever done has ever changed how i see myself—it didn't matter when i was spending 2 hours a day on hair and makeup, it doesn't matter now rolling out of bed with matted, thinning hair.

i will always hate myself

always

[wagmi-mga2024mi5019]

(RED HAT - Emotional Aspect) BBD and A lower Body Image:

BDD can cause extreme emotional distress, including feelings of anxiety, shame, depression and disgust. Even if sufferers’ concerns about their appearance aren’t noticeable to others, their distress is genuine.

Feeling fear or anxiety because you think others are staring, judging or making fun of the things you don’t like about your body or appearance. Some people experience panic attacks when looking at things they don’t like about their bodies in a mirror or reflective surface.

Feeling shame or disgust about your body or appearance, especially the specific things you think are problems. Some of the most common words people with BDD use to describe themselves or parts of their body include “ugly,” “hideous,” “deformed,” “abnormal,” “defective” or “unattractive.”

anxiety,

sadness or low mood,

poor self-esteem (thinking that they are useless or worthless),

or feeling disgusted about yourself.

It may be hard to enjoy things that they liked doing before, have less energy, have difficulty concentrating or have problems with eating or sleeping (either too much or too little).

Sources:

Feelings and Symptoms - BDDF (bddfoundation.org)

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD): Symptoms & Treatment (clevelandclinic.org)

[hemaraj-897]

Supercharging Your Selenium with Java Skills

If you're looking to take your web automation game to the next level, mastering Selenium with Java is a surefire way to do it. Selenium is a powerful tool that allows you to automate web browsers, and when combined with the robustness of Java, you've got a potent combo for streamlining your testing and automation processes. For those keen to excel in Selenium, enrolling in a Selenium course in Pune can be highly advantageous. Such a program provides a unique opportunity to acquire comprehensive knowledge and practical skills crucial for mastering Selenium.

But like any skill, there's always room for improvement. Whether you're a seasoned pro or just starting out, here are some tips and tricks to help you take your Selenium with Java training to new heights:

Get Hands-On

There's no substitute for good old-fashioned practice. The more you write code and experiment with Selenium and Java, the better you'll become. Set up a personal project or find an open-source project to contribute to – this will give you real-world experience and force you to tackle challenges head-on.

Master Page Object Model (POM)

The Page Object Model is a design pattern that makes your Selenium tests more maintainable and easier to read. By separating the page objects (the web elements you're interacting with) from the test cases, you'll have cleaner, more modular code that's less prone to breaking when the application under test changes.

Dive into Advanced Selenium Features

Selenium has a wealth of powerful features that can take your automation to the next level. Learn how to work with iFrames, handle pop-ups and alerts, and leverage advanced techniques like parallel testing and cloud-based testing services like Selenium Grid.

Embrace Java Best Practices

While Selenium is the star of the show, it's just as important to hone your Java skills. Study up on object-oriented programming principles, design patterns, and best practices for writing clean, maintainable Java code. This will not only make you a better Selenium developer but also a stronger programmer overall.

Explore Testing Frameworks

Selenium plays nicely with a variety of testing frameworks like JUnit, TestNG, and Cucumber. Experimenting with these frameworks can introduce you to new testing methodologies, like behavior-driven development (BDD), and help you write more robust and expressive tests.

Stay Up-to-Date

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Automate the Boring Stuff

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Collaborate and Learn from Others

Web automation is a team sport. Connect with other Selenium and Java developers, whether online or in-person. Join forums, contribute to open-source projects, and attend meetups or conferences. Not only will you learn from others, but you'll also have the opportunity to share your own knowledge and experiences. Enrolling in a top-rated Selenium course online can unleash the full power of Selenium, offering individuals a deeper understanding of its intricacies.

Embrace Continuous Learning

The tech world is constantly evolving, and the best developers are those who embrace a mindset of continuous learning. Stay curious, experiment with new tools and techniques, and don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone. The more you learn, the more valuable you'll become as a Selenium with Java professional.

Have Fun!

Last but not least, don't forget to enjoy the journey! Web automation can be challenging, but it's also incredibly rewarding. Celebrate your successes, learn from your failures, and take pride in the skills you're building. After all, loving what you do is half the battle.

By following these tips and staying dedicated to your craft, you'll be well on your way to becoming a Selenium with Java powerhouse. Happy automating!

[kbstories]

Epistemic

ep·i·ste·mic (adj.) Related to knowledge; cognitive.

Killer struggles with SMILE and Heat tries their best.

(Or: An attempt to cope with hearing Killer’s laugh in the anime haha...ha...)

Tags: Nakamaship, Introspection, Hurt/Comfort, Body Dysmorphia, Heat Is MVP Actually

Set in Wano. Spoiler warning for Act Two of Wano. Content warning for Body Dysmorphia/BDD. This is a coda to Ontological, Chapter 2.

***

Killer is hiding.

Heat knows it. Kidd knows it, so does the crew, and it’s safe to say Killer knows that they know, too. From the moment he and Kidd came home – miraculously alive and whole, Kidd’s wrecked prosthetic aside – Killer disappeared into the captain’s cabin and has yet to show.

To the East the sun starts to rise, piercing through the wafts of mist gathering over the ocean. It’s been two days.

In a sense, it’s nothing new. Sort of hard to miss, actually, when their First Mate insists on wearing a helmet most hours of the day. Hard to imagine it ever being any other way, certainly. Killer’s face is a mystery every Kidd Pirate learns to live with, sooner or later.

All but Heat, of course. Not that any of them had planned on there ever being an exception to the rule. It just… happened.

Years ago, under a clear-blue sky, an all-out brawl with some Marines ended up dropping two unlikely allies into Heat’s life. Being around Kidd and Killer had been just as chaotic and bloody and fun then as it is now; the day Heat met the duo that would soon become their family is the same day the mask got knocked loose. Killer was a tall, lanky guy then, barely scratching twenty-one and already lethal with those scythes of his.

Heat hadn’t thought much of it, really: When all was said and done, knuckles bruised and scrapes tended to, Heat had picked the mask up and given it back with a soft-spoken, “This is yours, isn’t it?”

Looking straight into pale blue eyes over lilac-tinted lips, and they had but a second to take in the surprise blooming there before they’d gotten a furious Kidd to the throat for their trouble.

A fond memory, in hindsight. An important one, too, given it led Heat to the best decision they’ve ever made, and a journey that brought them all the way to Wano Country’s shores.

It had been after Wire joined the crew and Killer started wearing the mask around the clock that Heat had realized the significance it held. That Killer, for all his cunning in battle and easy-going nature anywhere else, is slow to trust, and rarely does so completely.

So far, that privilege belongs to Kidd and Kidd alone.

And it was fine, getting to know Killer through that barrier he refuses to put away. No one gets to pick the scars they carry, and if this is how Killer deals with his, who’s to tell him otherwise?

Well, it had been fine until Killer returned to them dressed like one of Wano’s own, a piece of fabric draped across his face and those same blue eyes glinting behind wild strands of hair, wide with fear.

There had been so much else worry about, at the time. With Kidd steadily recovering from a state little better than death-warmed-over and the Killer-shaped space in their midst remaining empty, Heat watches the days come and go and the crew grow anxious, and they worry.

What Heat would give, to return to the days a mindless little gesture had the power to change the course of history.

*

It’s too early for anyone but the skeleton crew of the nightshift to be awake. With Doc on lookout, the chances of fresh coffee are pretty high, and so Heat shuffles to the galley, one hand on the door and the other pressed against a wide yawn.

A yawn that freezes on their face, as does the rest of them. On his tippy toes, arm reaching for the straws kept safe on the topmost shelf, Killer freezes too.

They stare at each other. Or, Heat stares at Killer’s mask and can feel him staring back. Then Heat’s brain kicks back into gear and they manage a mumbled, “Coffee?”, to which Killer points behind himself and then pulls back to get it himself.

There’s a freshly-made smoothie on the counter and a plate of chopped apples Killer will try – and probably succeed – to bully Kidd into eating once he wakes. Which will not be for a few hours still, unless miracles truly do happen.

So Killer had hoped to sneak in and out while nobody was around, even if he had adjusted for someone to catch him out of his self-imposed exile nonetheless.

It stings but not much because it makes sense, too. Kidd had explained it to them all, that first day, after he’d emerged from their quarters and Killer didn’t. Give him time, he’d said, with that pinched sort of frown that’s gotten rarer the tougher Kidd’s skin grew, and:

It’s out of his control.

Which, when it comes to Killer, equals to saying he’s walking a hellscape he can’t wake up from.

Killer is utterly silent as he places Heat’s favorite mug close enough for them to grab comfortably. Almost eerie, how flat his breathing can go, and Heat wonders if words are another one of those dangerous things right now. If any of the measures Killer is taking are actually helping him, or just driving him further and further towards insanity.

(Kidd didn’t mention anything about a cure. Tough skin or no, some horrors only become real when given a voice, and none of them want to risk that fragile bit of hope they got left by asking.)

The coffee isn’t steaming anymore but it’s warm. Heat takes a sip. Tells him, “Thanks, Soldier”, careful to keep the nickname equal parts fond and teasing, same as always.

Killer doesn’t say anything; he hums, though, leaning back into his usual spot by the window. Sipping his smoothie while Heat dozes through the wait for the caffeine to hit, and somewhere in-between Killer pushes the bits of apple their way.

A concession, an apology, perhaps. Always so good at compromising, at making things work, and Heat wishes they could do more than stand by and watch him drown.

*

It turns out it is possible for Kidd to be conscious before noon.

“Heat, have ya seen–”

Clearly wearing whatever was easiest to stumble into and hair disheveled to an almost comical degree but awake. Any other time, Heat would’ve laughed.

“–ah.”

Not now, though, not with the worried edge to Kidd’s eyes that only settles when they land on Killer. Not with the subtle flick of that gaze across the room, where half the crew is chewing their way through a late breakfast with remarkable nonchalance.

“Anything you want, Captain?”

That’s Wire, voice dry with sarcasm, and Heat does laugh then. Kidd huffs at both of them to shut up, and Killer is already shifting to make room for him to slump against his shoulder.

Like this, it’s easy to pretend it’s just another morning.

[chatonmagique]

Me just clipping my hair away.

My BDD thoughts: Maybe if my ears were bigger my face would look smaller

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[rahabs]

How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤  You are definitely not alone.  I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself!  Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do.  Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can.  Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable.  The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking.  I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run.  Walking is your best friend.  Or even household chores.  I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least).  I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains.  If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags.  I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station.  My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them.  Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would.  When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel.  (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out.  I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though.  I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food.  I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months.  I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear.  There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future.  Like a little AAA battery!  Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely.  I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes.   And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale.  I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting.  If you have body tape, you can use that too.  Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants.  Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit.  When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on.  Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy.  I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself.  And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too.  Fitbit is really good and user-friendly.  I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest.  It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active.   I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone.  If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc).  Lift some boxes around the house.  Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise.  If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump).  Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone.  Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference.  I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again).  I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but!  Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself!  I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you!  You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

[fyreglyphsdesigns]

Eee I love her so much! *o* This is Peach - part of a fusion call I set up - she's a fusion between my Sphalerite Fire and BDD-CriticalBlue's Howlite! I had a lot of fun designing their weapon, which is very similar to a Nerf ball gun! I really love their design - had a little bit of trouble with the chest plate but managed to make it fit well! I imagine Peach being a strong gem that will fight and stand up for others until she wins!

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[electricclarke-blog]

Finding the Best Agile Methodology Best Practices

Logic is not hard to unit test if it's stateless and side-effect free. Test files are generally longer than this. Tests don't require testing. You just might find your ideal agile match. The client can inform you which backlog items have the maximum priority, and which backlog items have the maximum priority then. Use particular examples in plain language instead of making broad generalisations. Details of Agile Methodology Best Practices How you're introduced to the team can earn a huge difference to their response. No one may give you an accurate answer on task limits each team differs. All the team follows precisely the same time to begin the work. In the start of the undertaking, little documentation will be essential, since the actual work is all about to get started. If a team has fun when working and works with total efficiency, then there's no demand for control, as it just disturbs the procedure and increases costs. There are lots of best practices that can be implemented while following the agile practice. Better still, this book's communication model was shown to work in many different situations including divorce discussions. You should try and prevent technical details in this part. During the sprint, the precise particulars of the features expected can change several times. New Step by Step Roadmap for Agile Methodology Best Practices The endeavor of this methodology is to supply software growth systems within the designated time frame and the allocated budget. As stated before, the principal purpose of the BDD methodology is to encourage communication amongst the shipping team. The popular methodologies listed above all contain guidance about ways to execute the procedure and templates for artifacts. And the SDLC is really the most general term used to refer to software growth procedures. You may require guidance in the region of practical strategies and techniques. The idea required that all developers must first assemble all the needs of an undertaking. System administrators' documents don't will need to provide details about ways to operate the program. Changing environments are embraced at any phase of the process to supply the customer with a competitive benefit. After the planning is completed, the team begins building the computer software. On the flip side, investing in tools that raise the productivity and efficiency of the development team is extremely important. In CCPM methodology, resources needed for completing tasks are the principal focus. When the encapsulation is finished, those Services are now on the network to fulfill current in addition to future demands of the business enterprise. In addition, we need to create cycles of development where the client can see tangible outcomes and give feedback early. Agile requirements, on the flip side, depend on a shared comprehension of the customer that's shared between the item operator, designer, and the development team. Best practice tips for Agile business intelligence success to its popularity, in addition it has affected other facets of development and company like project administration. Today, many businesses utilize this methodology and consider it to be a vital portion of the workflow. Through prioritized digital transformation initiatives, some enterprises are in a position to accomplish unprecedented rise and success. The Battle Over Agile Methodology Best Practices and How to Win It It can be a lot more difficult to deal with an issue as soon as the team is not pleased with the behaviour of a team member. Your team may be sitting in another portion of the planet. Get Introduced When you arrive, you might see that the team you'll be coaching isn't very interested in becoming agile. The function of a Scrum Master The Scrum Master ensures the aim is achieved promptly and schedules daily meetings to remain updated on the development of the undertaking. Technical risk also needs to be reviewed and discussed with plans created to mitigate risks that can't be avoided. ITIL is made up of group of 7 books. The Supreme Approach for Agile Methodology Best Practices The support area is a crucial aspect to respond and resolve user difficulties. Stories must be simplified into small enough components they could possibly be delivered within a development iteration. Several organizations struggle with the idea of iterations. The trick to deciding which is appropriate for you comes to the context of the undertaking. By utilizing defect tracking, it's possible to gauge every time a project is prepared to release. So, along with novelty, the project demands a specific quantity of complexity. While Kanban isn't considered an Agile development method, it's popular together with Agile strategies to improve efficiency. The agile method doesn't need complete documentation at the start. Your BPM Methodology needs to get the important elements, though you can opt to work on some elements before others, based on the procedure maturity of your culture. Generally, applications are delivered through a set of steps. You can select to primarily utilize Scrum, for example, but in addition incorporate a number of the desirable features of the other agile processes. The item backlog is basically a prioritized wish list made by the customer of features the new game requirements.

[zygomatic-process-2018]

Spoiler Alert

Hey all! I actually have time to update tonight. Life is crazy busy but it’s my goal to share at least once a week.

With that said, tonight’s topic is BDD.

Backstory: I have always had strange ticks and habits that I’ve never talked about. I have never talked to anyone about them because they have been with me since I was a child. At that time, I thought we all had weird things we had to do to feel normal. These things sometimes got worse. Nothing was as bad as the first round of these ticks/habits. Mostly this would be excessive counting, constantly calculating numbers in my head off of license plates or addresses. I would be very uneasy if my left foot didn’t touch sidewalk cracks the same as the right. I would count my teeth excessively after I got braces because I had to have 8 of them removed for my teeth to look straight. It always bothered me to have parts of my body taken out and not have been allowed to keep them.

Where the good stuff really starts: So before I got married, I thought it was important to see a therapist and clean-up some trauma I had during childhood. For the first time ever, when she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about before the session was over, I heard myself talk about those ticks/habits. I don’t know why I said something. I don’t know why then was the time. I don’t know why I seemingly chose her to hear my truth. There are a lot of things I don’t know, but I do know that I’ve gotten tremendous relief. This was in January of 2017.

During that time, I was diagnosed with ADHD (yeah I mean I guess I have that) and OCD (this I believe). It was established that I’ve learned how to function with OCD. I’ve always hid my ticks which I’ve learned are self-soothing acts. I do them to control my emotions, to tune out harmful events, and to feel safe, even if safety is an illusion. It turns out I’m “functioning” with OCD. I didn’t even realize I was doing these ticks anymore. I started taking advice and speaking openly on the subject. I’ve posted on social media in hopes that my story will benefit someone. Sometimes we don’t even know there’s a problem until something wakes us up from our normal lives.

Throughout this process, I’ve also lost a bunch of weight almost effortlessly. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard at first. Embarrassingly enough, I’ve cried over this before. However, once I started healing the foundational problem of OCD, I started making better choices without even thinking twice about them.

Now trust that I’ve always been the fad dieter. I’ll buy your shakes, try your gym, work out with you, lose 10 lbs with you, etc. I’m really good at starting these things but consistency is not my strong suit. It turns out, that’s all I needed in order to change my body. Consistency.

Pounds started dropping and it was really fun when my clothes stopped fitting. Until it wasn’t. See, what people fail to tell you about OCD can have these little paired disorders as well. In September, I identified and have sought treatment for BDD. Body Dismorphic Disorder. I don’t see my body properly.

All of a sudden, I’ve started really understanding what that means. Call me naive or dumb but I never noticed anyone treat me poorly when I was obese. Maybe I had a great personality, or I had a cute face, or maybe society was being nice and talking trash behind my back. Who knows.

During my obese years, I never thought I was that bad. Weird right? I looked like a Native American Pillsbury Dough Girl, and I didn’t think I was that bad. I can’t see myself the way normal people can. I still look at pics of me and see the same person in the before and afters. Not how I felt. Often times I can’t see the difference in how I look. Sometimes I make comparison photos to try and see what everyone else sees...but I look the same Every now and again (as posted below and the few I’ve posted on social media), I get a glimpse into what I really look like but for the most part I’m just me. Same person, same esthetic, and if you’re me, it feels like the same body. Typically BDD is a negative thing, and it can get there if I let it. In fact, it all came out in the dressing room of a GAP outlet store. Everything looked awful on me, there were too many people in the store and I felt so ugly. I could only see the pounds I had left to lose. At that time, I’d already lost over 50 lbs but I still saw the same 210 pound body I was in a year before. I repeat, I could not and cannot always see the difference. I knew I had to be crazy and I also knew I didn’t want to have a mental breakdown every time I went into a dressing room. So I sought help. It was that simple. I was willing to let go of that part of me that I didn’t even know existed. A single moment can change everything. In some spiritual circles, they call that a “spiritual awakening.”

So now, here I am. I live in a bubble of a life I’ve tried to build around happiness. I don’t pay attention to the mirror. I can’t. BDD will have me staring in the mirror for hours. However I am not BDD. BDD is something I have, not something that defines me. I try not to entertain that part of my brain because I never know which side of the spectrum it will leave me on...really stoked because I look hot or balled up in the corner of a GAP dressing room crying my eyes out. This disorder is unpredictable for me. Spoiler alert: I live life anyway. I go shopping. I tell sales people how I feel and share the hard parts of shopping with them. You know what I’m met with? Kindness. Patience. Help.

I am part of an internet support group for fellow BDD sufferers. I read their stories and identify with so much of their perceptions. Obvi right? I guess I have to believe my diagnosis huh? I also read how bad BDD can get if I don’t take care of my mental/spiritual/emotional health.

If you too are struggling with a bad habit or part of yourself that isn’t so great, please be gentle with yourself. Seek help. Don’t hide. It’s not shameful because it’s not your fault. It just is what it is and you don’t have to suffer. If you’re tired like I was, do something different. You’re capable of more than you give yourself credit for.

[ellahouse]

Week 9: Digital Citizenship and Software Literacy: Filters on Social Media

When we think of heavily filtered photos, we typically may think of images of celebrities or models, however, visual social media platforms are challenging this notion. The use of augmented reality and the new technology available to modify one’s images are growing as a result of the digitisation of beauty (Coy-Dibley 2016, p. 2). This is resulting in seeing heavily filtered images of both oneself and others as a part of everyday life (Barker 2020, p. 217). 

In 2015, the popular social media platform, Snapchat, introduced ‘lenses’, an update for the app incorporating face filters into everyday practice. These filters, which apply accessories, edit features, warp or distort the face, and place images in any situation, were positioned as a ‘fun and playful’ way for users to engage with the platform and switch up their communication and expressions (Barker 2020, pp. 207-209). These filters have however had negative effects on users and projected exclusive beauty ideals. Almost every filter, whether designed to ‘beautify’ or not, emphasises the whiteness and femininity of users. Snapchat lenses slim the jaw and nose, widen the eyes, enlarge lips, smooth blemishes, and lighten the complexion (Barker 2020, pp. 207-217), as demonstrated by the below images. This is portraying a sociocultural stereotype of beauty and pushes these ideals onto users, changing the ways individuals view themselves and leading to dysmorphic effects (Barker 2020, pp. 209-217). 

Before and after using Snapchat filters (Hunt 2019)

With filters warping the way we view ourselves, the dissonance between these expectations versus the reality of our appearance can lead to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (Mavroudis 2022). Coy-Dibley (2016, p. 2), posits this dysmorphia as the result of digitally edited images as ‘digitised dysmorphia’. The practice of modifying an individual’s self-images projects socially conditioned dysmorphia and societal constructs of body standards. This has led to societal standards and perceptions of how women’s bodies should look being based on edited and modified images (Coy-Dibley 2016, p. 2). While individuals once would compare themselves to models and celebrities, they are now competing with their own digitalised image and perception of themselves based on impossible standards (Haines 2021).

 References: 

Barker, J 2020, ‘Making-up on mobile: The pretty filters and ugly implications of snapchat’, Fashion, Style & Popular Culture, vol. 7, nos. 2 & 3, pp. 207-221. 

Coy-Dibley, I 2016, ‘“Digitized Dysmorphia” of the female body: the re/disfigurement of the image’, Palgrave Communications, vol. 2, no. 16040, pp. 1-9. 

Haines, A 2021, From ‘Instagram Face’ To ‘Snapchat Dysmorphia’: How Beauty Filters Are Changing The Way We See Ourselves, Forbes, viewed 16 May 2022, <https://www.forbes.com/sites/annahaines/2021/04/27/from-instagram-face-to-snapchat-dysmorphia-how-beauty-filters-are-changing-the-way-we-see-ourselves/?sh=78ceedc24eff>.

Hunt, E 2019, Faking it: how selfie dysmorphia is driving people to seek surgery, The Guardian, viewed 16 May 2022, <https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jan/23/faking-it-how-selfie-dysmorphia-is-driving-people-to-seek-surgery>.

Mavroudis, J 2022, ‘Week 8 Body Modification Guest Lecture’, HS1 MDA20009 Digital Communities, Swinburne University of Technology, viewed 27 April 2022.

[chizzychronicles]

My Story with BDD (Part 1)

For the past week, I've cried. I've cried hard. I've cried in private. My homegirls may think I am getting ready for a girls' day out but I'm crying in my closet. I've cried myself to sleep. I've thought of ways the world would be better without me so people wouldn't look at it. I suffer from body dysmorphia disorder and it's crippling my life. Crushing me to a point where I can't breathe. Suffering my spirit as I look in the mirror and my mind tells me "You're ugly", "You're fat", "You're not cute", "You really thought you were a pretty girl?". I'd like to tell my story on how I'm 23 suffering from severe BDD.

I was 7. At such a tender age, I cared about my Polly Pocket, Bratz dolls, Barbie, and shopping at Justice. I was a girl that loved things girls my age did. Sadly at 7, I started to become aware of my body so young and what it meant to be "fat". My mom would always call me fat. I remember in my childhood home, my parents' room was next to the bathroom shared by my grandma, my siblings, and myself. It all started when one day my mom passed by the bathroom as my grandma lotioned me from my bedtime shower and she made comments in our native language of Igbo about how pregnant I looked. That was the first time I associated big tummy = bad. Realistically, I could've eaten dinner and I was probably bloated. But being so young as a child, I internalized my mom's comments. See, my mom was never nice to me growing up. I was always useless, never good enough, never pretty enough. Didn't help I am tall too -- My mom made it a thing to point out how much of a freak of nature I was. I remember years of us shopping for clothes and shoes and I hated it. I don't think my mom has ever said anything nice about my appearance like calling me beautiful. My mom would blurt out for the whole fitting room to hear about how I needed to lose weight. When it came to shoes, being tall, my feet grew faster than my body. My mom would always say things about how ugly my feet were; comments that led me to go years without wearing sandals. At 7, I didn't know that the disgust I now felt about my body would lead me down a painful road that I still suffer 16 years later. I picked my body and face apart. It also hurt that I was a weird kid growing up too. Nothing wrong with that but you know, as a child, you want to be accepted so bad. You want friends. You want people to like you. You want love. Kids at my school were so cruel to me. I was only their friend when it was time for the answers to an assignment but they never really wanted to be my friend. I was called all sorts of names and made fun of for how I looked. I was dealing with two bullies: My mom and the kids at school. Who do I turn to? Who was I supposed to cry to? No one was at my defense. This also led me down a long path of not caring about my own feelings; I grew up not having a listening ear and a heart that cared. My BDD got worse in middle school. Such an awkward time of life, right? Your body is changing. You start to learn of social hierarchies: The cool kids, the pretty kids, the jocks, the class clowns, etc. Except I didn't fit anywhere really. I was just the girl that was freaking smart. And I'm proud of that! I love how intelligent I am. But no one knew I was comparing my face to everyone else. From how I dressed to how I looked facially. Prior to middle school, I'd like to say starting in the fifth grade, I was obsessed with Victoria's Secret models. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be a model. I remember how I'd put on my church heels and I'd even change my dresses in between commercial breaks of the VS Fashion Show to catwalk in my living room, following the model's every step. But I didn't know that my obsession with models mixed with my pain from hearing negative comments on my body would lead to a dark path of an eating disorder in middle school. Fed up by my mom's comments on my body, on this very site of Tumblr, I found the pro-Ana community. It consumed me. A mantra I lived by was "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips". I wanted so badly to be size 0. I followed the ABC and 2468 diets. I kept a journal to track my calories and became so proud of myself if I ate 400/600 calories for the day. I called it self-discipline. I loved seeing myself get skinny but I wasn't skinny enough. I was hurting. I wanted so badly for my mom to notice me. I wanted her to notice I was getting skinny so quickly but I dearly wanted her to accept me. To love. To call her first child and first daughter pretty for once. I worked out from sun up to sundown. My grandma (I love her so so much) was the only person that would beg me to rest and to stop. I stopped

eating my favorite foods. I stopped eating at all. But one day, my mom did notice me. As I worked out while she ate dinner, she yelled from the dining table that whatever I was doing, I need to stop because my collarbones are popping out and she didn't want Nigerians in our community to talk. I went upstairs and cried. She didn't even care nor concerned that I was not eating yet vigorously exercising, she only cared about what other people would say about her. The woman I did this all for did not care nor did she notice I put my body through anorexia to make her happy. And I still wasn't good enough. From sixth grade to my sophomore year of high school, I was a functioning anorexic. I was okay with not eating and no one knew. I played sports and duped everyone I was okay but really, I had gone two days only eating one meal. I only stopped because I became extremely fatigued at volleyball practice and was scolded by my coach about me not eating. I wish she knew I wish I wanted to eat more but I vowed to myself to never be called "fat" again. Those words hurt. I also became so scared of eating in front of people. My mom made me feel so much shame about eating. It could've been my first meal of the day and my mom would claim I have been eating all day. It wasn't until university, as friends would invite me to join them for dinner, I slowly grew out of the shame of eating in front of people. I knew I was hungry but I'd purposely eat small portions to avoid hearing anyone say "Damn, you must be hungry!". I'm happy though I never returned to be full-blown anorexic. I'm science-savvy so I figured this wasn't healthy for my body to be so tall but consume calories that still wouldn't be enough for someone smaller and shorter than me. However, my shame and relationship with food still remained toxic. Sure, I was eating more but my brain would whisper reminders of "Don't get fat" as a brought food up to my mouth to eat. I will take this moment to say I am proud of myself for not slipping into anorexia again my junior fall semester. I suffered a bad depression, one caused by my family and so-called friends. I would have dinner downstairs and no one would ask me to eat. No one calls me to join them to eat as a family. Everyone was so mean to me. All alone at night, I'd binge at 2 in the morning in shame. Finally eating for the first time that day since I never came out of my room to avoid being seen and interacting with my family. It was also the first time I started to seriously contemplate suicide. If my family and friends don't like me, why does it matter if I am here? I'm happy I'm here though but it hurts that no one knew the pain the caused me. When I came home for winter break, all these Nigerian aunties at church and even the day before were calling me fat. My mom called me fat. My dad dropped me off at school and when he called me later that evening, I assumed he was wishing me a great spring semester but rather he called to caution me to be more careful of what I ate at school. My vow was broken: People were calling me fat again. I want to take this moment to tell myself I am proud that although my brain tore me apart, I chose to go through a healthier route of exercise and eating healthier than restricting calories. However, I didn't feel any self-love. My exercise and diet changes came from not wanting anyone to call me names, not because I was doing it for me. I still made mean and nasty comments about myself. That following summer, I had a boost of confidence and I enjoyed it. I was away from the pain of home and I actually felt pretty for once. I wish the feeling would've lasted.

[atypicality]

Edye, Kira, Clovette, Vix, and Rufion

Edye

Full Name: okay so none of my OCs have last names,, embarrassing i know. he’s named after a neopet as that’s how i formed his character (this is progressively getting more embarrassing). his name is pronounced “eddie,” and an interesting fact about his name is that the part “dye” (pronounced “die”) is a nickname for dionysus, a god that has definitely influenced his character.

Gender and Sexuality: male, he’s bisexual

Pronouns: he/him

Ethnicity/Species: he’s latino and he’s human(??)

Birthplace and Birthdate: i literally have no idea (i feel like i should look into astrology and choose his birthday according to his personality…he’s probably a leo or a gemini and he was clearly born somewhere in latin america. i was thinking ecuador but i’m biased bc i lived there lmao),, he’s 22 though

Guilty Pleasures: reality t.v. and romcoms

Phobias: (i’m not putting the names of each phobia bc no one knows what that means) emotional intimacy, being buried alive, and abandonment

What They Would Be Famous For: i could see him being an actor with a horrible reputation

What They Would Get Arrested For: anything ranging from drug dealing to kidnapping (he was supposed to return vera to the shadow realm, for example). i wouldn’t put much past him

OC You Ship Them With: aliah and rufion (i like him with vera platonically)

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: nora bc she has to deal with his bullshit

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: action and comedy

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: pointless sacrifices. they died, dammit! let that count for something!

Talents and/or Powers: he’s an illusionist, meaning he can warp reality (or one’s perception of reality) and trick people. he can also make portals and fly/hover to some extent.

Why Someone Might Love Them: he’s a party animal and he’s fun to be around. he’s also pretty loyal to the people he cares about.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: he’s a no strings attached kind of person. he can be very apathetic and insensitive.

How They Change: he goes from being a villain to being the sidekick of the MC (vera),, i’m so proud of him

Why You Love Them: he’s the classic asshole/misunderstood bad boy turned good…he’s a huge loser that accidentally became cursed and now has a cult following and he’s just hilarious to think about.

here’s a mix i made for him

and his three shipping mixes lmao (aliah)(rufion)(vera)

here’s the cult mix if you want to listen to that  😂😂😂

alsoo i have a sidekick mix

and i’m literally developing two more for him (villain / hero arc, respectively)

can you tell that he’s my favorite

Kira

Full Name: just kira (hi, just. i’m nina)

Gender and Sexuality: female, heterosexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s mixed: japanese and black. she’s a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born in japan (city whomst) and she’s 27. probably a gemini or a scorpio

Guilty Pleasures: chocolate/sweets in general and creeping on social media if that counts

Phobias: she suffers from body dysmorphic disorder and suffers from fears that accompany that, such as not being good enough, etc. she also hates bugs, especially spiders.

What They Would Be Famous For: despite her bdd, she’d definitely become famous for being a beauty vlogger/youtuber. her ‘mask’ (aka whatever it is people with bdd do to help themselves cope with their body’s appearance/perceived flaw) would be makeup and she uses her powers to give herself the illusion that she’s someone else (in terms of appearance, if that makes any sense).

What They Would Get Arrested For: shoplifting (idk if you can be arrested for this but it’s the only thing she would do)

OC You Ship Them With: will a lil bit tbh. they’re the mom-dad pair

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: no one lmao

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: romcoms and horror

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: white people doing stupid things in horror movies, the most aggravating definitely being having sex/making out while danger is imminent

Talents and/or Powers: she’s an illusionist and can make portals like edye. she’s also a makeup artist

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s super sweet and a good listener.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: people misinterpret her as shallow

How They Change: she betrays the Good Guys for her benefit but is forgiven. she also seeks help for her bdd and stops using her powers to alter her appearance (her makeup still serves as a mask though, her insecurities and anxiety don’t disappear overnight)

Why You Love Them: her struggle with self-love is so heartbreaking and she’s so strong and admirable.

Clovette

Full Name: clovette. some people call her clover. she’s also a neopet.

Gender and Sexuality: female, pansexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s asian and a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born somewhere in southeast asia. she’s 20 and probably an aquarius

Guilty Pleasures: sleeping in and staying home all day

Phobias: she has a fear of flying and the ocean. she suffers from social anxiety and is afraid of large crowds.

What They Would Be Famous For: she’d be a kickass video game developer

What They Would Get Arrested For: probably doing something illegal online (piracy maybe?)

OC You Ship Them With: maybe with nora

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: no one!!!

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: science fiction and fantasy

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: white savior trope

Talents and/or Powers: she doesn’t have any powers but she’s great at coding and game design and she’s a talented artist.

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s really funny when you get to know her.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: she comes off as judgmental but she’s really not

How They Change: she’s initially scared of travelling from her island (boats? Horrifying. airplanes? Terrifying.) but then she’s forced to move and has to face that fear plus the fear that comes when you don’t know anyone and have to form new relationships.

Why You Love Them: she has so much potential for growth and she’s so cute and inspiring

Vix

Full Name: i have to pick out a really basic white girl name for her but she goes by vix and vixen is her villain name (edye doesn’t deserve a villain name).

Gender and Sexuality: female, heterosexual but the kind of straight girl that will kiss other girls for male attention.

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s white and a human

Birthplace and Birthdate: she was born in paris, she’s 21, and she’s probably a pisces.

Guilty Pleasures: kissing girls uwu, eating way too many tubs of cookie dough ice cream, and erotica.

Phobias: she’s scared of birds and the deep sea. she’ll enjoy going to the beach but she won’t go in the water because then she thinks of sea monsters and other unknown terrors hidden in the unexplored ocean. she’ll go to a pool, though.

What They Would Be Famous For: she’d be an actress or a journalist

What They Would Get Arrested For: robbery, possibly arson

OC You Ship Them With: no one

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: edye

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: film noir and slasher films/thrillers

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: love triangles

Talents and/or Powers: she uses love magic and mental manipulation.

Why Someone Might Love Them: she’s clever and really determined.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: she’s a bitch.

How They Change: she’s initially shy, awkward, trying to make her way through life. then she falls in love with someone (*coughs* edye *coughs*) and gives herself a makeover. she goes from innocent civilian investigating something to villainess and cult leader. 10/10 transformation

Why You Love Them: i don’t lmao. i like that she fits the femme fatale archetype. she’s a really interesting character. she also unironically calls herself vixen, so there’s that.

here’s her mix

Rufion

Full Name: rufion (pronounced rough-ee-an). he’s also a neopet (he looks so ugly rn because he’s my lab rat).

Gender and Sexuality: male, homosexual

Pronouns: he/him and they/them

Ethnicity/Species: honestly i have not thought about where he’s from at all but he’s brown (we love ethnically ambiguous characters in this house! /s). he’s a human.

Birthplace and Birthdate: [me seeing birthplace: owo what’s this?] he’s 23 and he’s probably a capricorn.

Guilty Pleasures: does ordering a lot of takeout food count? he stays up all night playing video games and loves reading comic books. he also really likes baking sweets (he’d probably be a really good cook but tbh he’s too lazy)

Phobias: he’s scared he’s going to die in his sleep and stays up all night as a result. if someone told him the effects of lack of sleep on his health he would definitely panic

What They Would Be Famous For: he would definitely be in a band. fuck

What They Would Get Arrested For: He Would Never Be Arrested. Next 

OC You Ship Them With: edye

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: vix

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: he doesn’t really like watching tv/movies but superhero films

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: bury your gays

Talents and/or Powers: he’s good at fighting.

Why Someone Might Love Them: he’s really nice, super optimistic, and honest. he’s hard working and responsible. he’s a huge nerd basically

Why Someone Might Hate Them: people might view him as naive and annoying.

How They Change: he’s a sort of private investigator but then he takes a…peculiar case and then………………..he catches feelings lmfao. there’s definitely some side-switching/ambiguity in his future

Why You Love Them: he’s just trying his best honestly. idk how to articulate it but he’s kind of like xD as a human being.