#making this crashed my iPad so bad LMAO | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zeltqz · 2 years ago

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niyaaaa do u have any tips for people who wanna get into fic writing? 👀

i don’t really get how the whole posting format for fics works on here tbh 😭 and like your info area it’s so cool

YEAH OFC!! btw dm me your username so i can follow and support you <3

tip 1- the posting format isnt that hard to get used to actually its just you create a tumblr text post and then copy and paste your fic onto it, add the tags and stuff then post it. if you want to add banners, headers and stuff to make it look better then go ahead, just add images to the text post

tip 2- the info area is the same as above, just add pictures of your choice etc to the text post, add your information, name, age, fav things etc and then to link posts to your post, highlight where u want the link to go, then copy the link of the post u want linked then press the hyperlink that looks like two chains linked together when you highlight the text if that makes sense? sounds like a lot but its rlly not i promise haha

tip 3- always type your fics on other apps like word or google docs since they have an auto save feature!! i dont reccomend typing your fics on tumblr since one if the app crashes, it doesn't automatically save your work so everything you wrote will get deleted (some versions of tumblr do have autosave, my laptop has it but my phone and iPad doesn't, so i dont rely on it)

tip 4- idk if you want tips on actual fic writing or just how to get your fics onto tumblr but ill help you with that anyway. with me when i write fics i always imagine it out in my head. theres some of my fics where i just went with the flow and wrote wgatever came to mind and those are the fics i hate the most because they dont rlly make sense to me. theyre always so random and it just seems rushed and bad.

i picture my fics like a scene in my head and whatever i want the character to do, think, say or feel i write that shit down asap. i use other online sources to help get more descriptive like the emotion theasurus <- honestly one of my favourite things to use ever, they have so much body language to use for every emotion in the damn book

dialogue is also something i find difficult. i've improved i personally feel like but its still hard for me especially if im writing a new character. i never want to make the character seem OOC so i do lots of research before hand. i normally use the wiki to read up on a characters personality.

for example i'll use ran for this since he's like 99% of my account lmao. in the wiki, he's described as "naturally whimsical toward others which makes him inscrutable" though ran doesnt have many scenes in the manga (which i hate bc i love him sm) its impossible to actually write him down to a tee so i use that naturally whimsical description to make him playful, charismatic, carefree etc, going off what little information i have with him.

getting a characters personality down is what can make or break a dialogue. for me when im reading a fic of a character and their dialogue is so OOC it puts me off and i dont even wanna read. so i apply my same fic icks to myself and think if I don't like seeing this and that in a fic, why would I incorporate those in my fics and have ppl get put off it if they have the same fic icks as me?

hope that makes sense!!

tip 5- dont rush yourself at all. i used to rush a few of my fics and i just ended up hating it so much after and fought bck the urge to delete them so many times but then i'd see people's comments and realise i was being too harsh on myself. i'd keep them up but i'd just hate seeing them get attention.

rushing only makes you hate your work and the quality of your work will decline if you are not in the right headspace.

thats also why i have the don't rush me thing in my rules because not only is it annoying to see people constantly asking for updates, it also makes me mad because i know i'll just put out a piece of garbage if i did rush.

also another tip don't give yourself deadlines!! if you know your writing consistency can be a little sloppy, don't tell your followers that you're going to upload every so and so day. if something happens and you miss the deadline, you'll feel bad and rush something out and most times out of ten, a rushed fic doesn't do well. so take your time and don't rush.

tip 6- dont listen to what other people say or feel obligated to write something you don't wanna. establish your boundaries!! for example, from day one i started this blog i said im accepting requests but i will not write anything to do with non-con, incest or minors. i made sure that was out there so i wouldn't feel uncomforable writing anything i wasn't comfy with.

there are people on this app that may like your writing and request you to write something for them. you are not obligated to write anything for anyone! don't feel like you have to just because they asked nicely.

if you want to accept requests you can im not saying you shouldn't, im saying don't feel like you have to. you always have a choice. its your blog.

tip 7- remember this isn't a job. you're allowed to take breaks, allowed to have a personal life. don't feel like you need to be updating every day. i used to think i was obligated to be uploading consistently at least every week because i was obsesssed with engagement and seeing peoples comments and was scared if i took a break ppl will unfollow. now i honestly don't care. i'm not active as much as i used to because of school and that's fine! if ppl want to leave, let them. don't feel like you're forced to keep being active in order to keep your follower count stable.

tip 8- this app can get really toxic sometimes. luckily enough i've only had one toxic anon in my inbox and i've been on this app for a year. some people have so many, some ppl get harrassed etc. if that happens to you just be prepared since there's no actual way to find out who's behind anons. you can turn off your anon options which means if ppl want to inbox you something then their account will be showing. some people arent comfortable with that and that's fine! i keep mine on because i want people to feel comfortable on my page.

just remember though if you ever feel like this app is getting overwhelming take breaks! for the sake of your mental health take breaks. i know so many writers on here that took breaks and came back healthier and stronger.

i feel like this tip goes for social media in general. as much as i love social media im aware how unhealthy it is. breaks are so important for you. remember that.

i can't think of anymore tips right now but if i have some more i will edit the post and add it on.

if u have anymore questions about the tumblr posting format dm me and ill help you out :))

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astronez · 21 days ago

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SDVN swapped au made me want to make you a playlist but I’m like sick and rotting away right now so I have some songs that reminded me of everything I’ve learnt from you answering my questions so far

Be Mine (OR3O) , Bernadette (IAMX) , Instruments of Cyanide (DAGames)

also in specific for PV: The Iron Maiden and the dreamy princess

you’re so nice djwjdjkwd a whole playlist??? ahhh I don’t even have a playlist for this au for myself 😭😭😭 I hope you’re resting btw it sounds like you’re going through it rn

you’re giving me ideas for animatics but I don’t have the right tools for it rn. my iPad has a very low storage capacity and every time I try to draw smth that’s detailed, or even a short animatic, it freaks out and crashes LMFAO 🥲 so I’m waiting to buy a new iPad. BUT ITS KILLING ME. I NEED TO DRAW TO THESE SONGS IMMEDIATELY. life is so cruel.

Be mine?? WITH PV SDVN oh my god stop it, it fits so well. I’m going insane. her cackling and laughing and voice HHHHH I WANT TO DRAW IT SO BAD OH MY GOD

bernadette too…I’ve associated it with sdvn for a while but for some reason it feels different for this au LMAO. I’ve never listened to ‘the iron maiden and the dreamy princess’ and wow it fits so well too. the creepy undertones is perfect for an animatic about his corruption….hehhehehehehe

#nez speaks #sdvn swapped au

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ninguitar · 5 months ago

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GIRL OMG?? LMAOO😭😭i fear my skl would be unable to do that… we have like 4 diff student govts…🙁🙁 1 for every graduating class to make it easier 🔥 i used to be a part of it cs anyb who was in leadership was apart of student govt by technicality but i dropped leadership as a class cs i wanted to do other extracurriculars and the ppl in ky leadership class pissed me off . 😭😭😭 how the fcuk do cameras run out of storage… dont u js like buy a new memory card or sumn LMFAOAO vinh crashing out live 4k hd…

girl im an effinf tweaker when it comes to finishinf work… i fwar i cannot gave an assigbment be marked as late or else ill kms🙁🙁 begging is crazy LMAOO ur better thab me i fear i aspire to be like u my goat 💯💯💯 FAMN BRUH mienes like . 22 or sumn LMAO😭😭 she stull ab effing snitch like GET A FUCKING JOB YO😭😭🖕🖕 A PASSCODE?? HELLO GIRL ION EVEN GOT A PASSCODE LOCK FOR MY BIKE . and that shits my baby.. i love my hello kitty bike💔💔 i literally never acc tie it down on the street whenever i use it like i only ever do when im w my friend cs she acc has a lock😭😭

i got my ipad… and me. 😅😅 #we🆙 BRO i acc cant w labubus i fear they acc scare the shit out of me SOOO BAD . like i could never wit them 🙁🙁 NO LEGIT my ipad is my baby tho . KUNG PAO CHICKEN ENJOYER HELLO?? LMAOO💔💔 i cant tho like asian parents r o fuckin loud like DAMN BRUH🖕🖕

ON DRACO?? LMFAOO GIRLL ohmyfays😭😭😭💔💔 i like essats. like literary ones and history ones. but sci. GIRL FUCK DO U EVEN WRITE FOR A SCI ONE😢😢😢😢😭😭😭 ninguitar tweaks out over science in 4k live hd . PARTIES?? LMFAO i fear im almost never home when its theweekends and breaks . im everywhere but home but ids okay❤️i keep my geades up so 😁😁😁

hi guys . I deadass js realized that long thread we had goinf on w reblogs nd stuff my reblog didnt go thru ?? like it js deleted my entire text hence y my last reblog for that thread was like blank . 😭😭😭💔 stupid tumbkr omds

ANYWAY ! i frwakinf hate the sciences so bad like im good at every other subject but science i fear id rather be hwld at gunpoint than ever touch science after i graduate🙁 PLSS i wanted to take ap osych but im lwk mad lazy for that and my skl put a 3 ap per year maximum 😅😅 like damn okay . yall js hatw to see me succeed 😒😒😒 GAWAHHH i loge dpr so much like i deadass had mood on repeat for so long bcs of this one yeonjun edit that transformed my life i fear ! MERRY GO IS SOOO freakinf Good i love it so mich

i donr have my own room guys. ive been sharing w my sister for the past few years😢😢 its okat tho idrc bc anyw im barely in my room like most of the time im js in my living room doing my work nd stuff bc ion wannna bother my stupid sister like that💔💔 also cs shes mad stinky when she gets off her shift nd is home . LMFAO omg ur evil pushing smn off their bed 😭😭😭

girl i got like 1 valentines day fic in line and i fwar i prob will not finish it b4 valentines day . god pls give me rhe will to start picking up writing again. i have this ONE fic idea that lwk is fire like acc fire like so amazeballs and awesome sauce nd shit 😊😊 pls pray i finish it !!! AND GOSH U R A GENIUSSS like ur mind works wonders… cool w u… YESS GAWDDD i love cool w u SOO MUCH its one of my favs of nwjns plus get up and hypeboy and hurt‼️‼️ ive been tucked in bed at 9:30 since like. 3rd grade. ion play when it comes to having a healthy sleep schedule i fear. i CANNOT have eyebags ever idc 💔 i would nawt look good w eyebags oms. why tf is olaf taller tahn the average girl what the hell😭😭😭

LMAO I FIGURED like why is there just a reblog there shld be smth 😭😭😭 i love science so much oml that is my BAE right there ❤️❤️ lololol i got a year before i graduate i hear the gunshots already ME NEXT !!! my ap pysch is sooo funny for some reason like i love my group frfr 🙏 you js gotta dab on the haters ning (a member of the dance club told me that) dpr is my lifeline i don't fear. no blueberries has been charting on vinh's top 3 bcuz it's js so addicting 🤓☝️

i feel bad for you twin, i can't imagine sharing a sleeping space with someone because what if they're a snorer... then what? 😞 what if they sleep talk/walk and kill me... then what? 😞😞 OHEMGEE I HATEE being in my living room...😬😬 it's peaceful but when the adults come home from work it's like all hell js broke loose. i cannot and i mean cannot handle another loud laugh coming from my anyone's mouth when i'm trying to watch tv 💔💔💔 LMFAO stinky. i call my eldest brother stinkabutt because he reaks of wtv it is. what can i say? im a pusher 😜

dear ning pls bless us with another fic before i kay em ess. PLEASEEEEE 🙏🙏 heh my friends say im special 😼 but probably not the kind of positive special... scratches head. may cwy receive more recognition because the budget for mv must've been high 😭🙏🙏 im gonna be so fr rn... 9:30 is when i eat dinner LOL. sometimes not even, like it rlly depends. i can be eating my first meal at 5pm and eat my last at 10 💀💀 i play when it comes to a sleep schedule, i remember pulling 3 all nighters in a row. pretty sure i was hallucinating on the 3rd night. eyebags kind of fit me lololol but it makes me look emo and it beats my nonchalant aura. #NOTsigmaofme

not to mention i taught a bunch of working adults who can drink, drive, and smoke brainrot. like i was explaining the difference between skibidi toilet and evil skibidi toilet, and how they're not the same but they're twins yk. and also slangs like "clock it" or "sigma/alpha" and no sigma and alpha are not the same, alpha is below sigma, you geekers.

#perchance hanni level yap… scratches head…#misc! 　><

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disengaged · 3 years ago

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hello! i'm here from elliott's post about film class, you replied to her and i found out that you have a double major of film studies and psych. anyway, i scrolled through your blog and i think you are quite passionate and really knowledgeable about your major, and i'm not lmao (i'm a multimedia arts student, but i want to be like a film director someday). hence, i'm here to get inspiration and advices from. i actually already saved the books you recommended though!

i'm going to take a film language class this coming sem, and i feel anxious about it (+ the fact that i'm a beginner in every medium of art/media makes me feel out of place and undeserving of being in this major lol). i started advanced studying with Crash Course's free film history course, but i just feel lost, i don't know what to do. i feel like i should be studying 60mph because i can't keep up with anyone.

my school does not really do examinations right after every semester, even quizzes are non-existent. i don't have a classmate or friend that i can ask these questions because they have other interests that do not interest me. that's why i find it hard to understand anything. i'm currently at the burnt-out stage so perhaps the reason why i am so naive. but any advice will really help. thank you :((

DUUUUDE omg .... okay first things first, take a deep breath, it's gonna be okay

i really respect your dedication/the fact that you're trying to study before the class even starts, but like . if it's an intro-level course, you're gonna be ok !! TONS of people take FS courses as optional arts credits/"for interest", it's typically expected that you're not going to know everything. as long as you have the right prerequisites for the course, you should be doing ok! if it turns out your prof sucks (like elliott's) you can brush up on the rest as you go ♥️ :-0

like ...... if you're already dealing with burnout, studying super hard ahead of time is gonna make you feel even worse. & yknow ....... if it's really bad in the first week, just drop out tbh 🤷 some courses ain't worth it

in terms of exams: i'd say about half of my film studies classes have been essay-based rather than quiz/midterm/final exam-based, idk how your school works though

as for feeling 'undeserving' of your major ...... i can't really help you there, but you should know that imposter syndrome is super common in every single discipline and at any college/uni, especially in the fine arts side of things — but you're ok !! like !!! if you were a pro at everything already, school would suck ass. i hope u can get over this fear and better enjoy learning new things, cuz that's really what postsecondary is all about ♥️ it's ok to be naive, especially in subjects the average person knows jack shit about.

the path to becoming a director is ....arduous.... and typically requires training within the industry and/or a degree specifically in film production (which is different than the 'scholarly' branch of film studies) but if it's what you really want, go for it. put your heart into it, yknow, do whatever it is that makes you feel like you're doing something important. YOLO

it can be tough when your friends don't Get your interests, i'm here to chat anytime if you like tho !! film studies is basically my favourite thing on earth :'-)

also i saw u asked elliott abt notetaking ...... i use OneNote & i love it, it's great cause it puts your notes in The Cloud and you can access them from any device. super user-friendly and has drawing, highlighting, font changing functions, you can insert PDFs as printouts ....... i hate carrying my 5lb laptop to campus (and it doesn't fit on the little desk trays in my lecture halls anyways. fml) so i just have an iPad loaded up w OneNote and i'm set :-) i take some of my notes by hand but only for English/Writing/CMPUT classes lol, my FS and Psych classes go way too fast to keep up

#long post -#asks #anon #this was really long sorry let me know if i missed anything. i think you're 100% on the right track tho like #don't worry too much before the class even starts !!!!!! and then just try to make a friend or 2 in the class to share notes w/ask question #*questions #and you'll be fine !! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

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jubberry · 4 years ago

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5 works tag game

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

tagged by @c0ffeebee Thanks so much! Also their art is amazing so check it out if you can!

The order if this is the order I found when I was scrolling through my blog/ipad lol

I like this one cause its actually colored lmao. And I like how I drew Vanya, I did give her a suit variant cause it felt weird she’s not wearing a suit, but I posted it after a while already so it felt too late to edit.

And I like how I drew Five’s rolex cause that was fun! Tbh the whole reason I wanted to draw this was to draw the Rolex.

This is just a painting practice that I did last year that I never posted but I think it turned out nice! It was fun experimenting with different brushes to create the waves crashing on to the rocks. And it was also fun trying to paint the fog

This is a commission I did last year for someone’s oc but I’m not sure if I posted it. This was just fun to do cause i really like drawing lots of detail using dark shadows, the armor in the reference was really intricate so it was a lot of fun drawing that for this.

I wish there was more of him... But I just really like how I painted the fish.

heheheehehe

This was also my first time doing a painting like this so thats pretty cool! I hope I can do more paintings like this this year.

Rumour [T]

Allison rumours Five into telling her his deepest darkest secret.

Based on 263Adder's story idea!

I really liked doing this fic cause it was fun making them all interact with each other. Though for the longest time I thought this fic was so bad, but I had to get it out cause I’ve been writing it for a year. But now I like it! And I love writing young Allison.

I tag: @rappaccini @fiveyaaas @chevalier12 @luz-floral @liquidsparks @queeenpersephone @knifeears @pandaburner @manic-pixie-dream-dude @greenteawillow @xzazu2002 @pinacoladasprinkles

#long post #tag game

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miscelunaaa · 3 years ago

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You were using the Bear app for your writing? How do you like it?

Why hello anon, I’m glad you asked.

*Wheels in projector and points it at the nearest blank wall. Plugs in iPad, brings up a powerpoint, and clears throat.*

TLDR: I fucking love Bear, it works really well with how my brain works. If you use Apple for your computing needs, it’s an amazing little app. I love that I can link notes IN notes, I think the tagging and sub-tagging is great, and I high key love that the premium subscription gets me a bunch of themes. I like a low contrast dark mode, which is surprisingly uncommon on most writing apps!! The premium subscription is super affordable (15 bucks a year), and it’s available on both iOS and Mac OS. The syncing through iCloud is phenomenal. It saves edits and changes automatically. It also runs well, so when you end up writing a surprise 8k on one piece, it doesn’t crash or take ridiculous amounts of time to load. It is, however, Apple only. If you want something like this for Microsoft, I think iA writer miiiiight similar? Obsidian would also be a good cross-platform option, it sounds like! Do a little research! See if it fits your needs.

The long version: I would die for Bear. So I uh … wrote a whole ass essay on it. Oops?

title: em simps for bear

wc: 1.6k ☠️

warnings: not sponsored (lmao do i have to say that here on tumblr?) i just love bear a lot. it is my bread and butter.

Before I was using Bear, I was using Evernote for my general note taking needs, but it was really really clunky. It ran like shit on my macbook (which was, admittedly, quite old) and it was even buggy on my iPhone. They also had like weird features i didn’t need. I’d started planning a story with it and it was just like, not working at all and I couldn’t connect points like I wanted to. I think my final straw came when it either had a syncing issue and lost notes I’d made on my phone and then tried to access on my computer, OR it crashed and I lost some planning. So I started looking into other “note-taking” apps.

(To actually write, I was still using Word, because my license of the Office Suite was old enough that I wasn’t paying a sub on it. But no one who uses Word on the regs would actually use word if they can avoid it, or at least that’s what attorney Husbeard says. He fucking hates Word. We’ll come back to this in a bit.)

Around this same time (mid 2019), I turned off my computer (a late 2010 MacBook Pro) for good because I could no longer keep updating the operating system. I know some people get salty about this, BUT that bad boy had served me very very well for an exceedingly long time, especially for a laptop computer. But, I wanted something to be able to read on and shit because phone screens are smol and I have sensitive weird ADHD eyes. So I got a baseline iPad. I’ve got an old Bluetooth apple keyboard (the battery one!! It’s like the 2009 model lmfao), which still works great, mostly because up until 2020 it never got much use. That’s all to say that when you loose the actual laptop form-factor, you have to reassess what your tech needs are.

It bears mentioning that at this time, I was not doing a ton of writing. I had have this thing where I’ll start doing planning and world building on something for funzies and just linger on a story idea for a while. So I needed something I could take effective notes on. Bonus points if I could make lists and such and keep everything kind of organized, but I didn’t need anything super precise or delineated because that’s just not something I super need as a person. I was not, however, doing a lot of actual writing, just vague notes, lists, etc.

By this point in time, early 2020, I was getting locked out of using evernote on more than two devices regularly and it worked like shit on my iPad, so I said fuck it and started looking for new options. I had some ideas burning holes in my pocket and wanted to get them out, plus my needs had changed by this point, so it was time for a new note app.

If you’re an apple user, there’s a shit ton of options. The market is hella bloated and a lot of these apps have useless features and connectivity that I just didn’t need. I didn’t need some whiz kid productivity app, I needed something practical and easy to use.

Enter Bear.

I think this started with googling “Evernote replacement” and the first thing that popped up was Bear. Markdown notes for iOS or something. It looked promising though and their website was nice, so I downloaded it onto my phone and started poking around. I really liked the interface, the tag system was way more effective than Evernote’s and I liked it enough that I kept getting annoyed that had to upgrade to sync to my iPad. It was good enough that I found myself reaching for it even when I didn’t have multiple-device access. Premium was only 15 bucks and well, this was just before the world started falling apart and I was way less worried about money back then, so I said fuck it and went for it.

And I haven’t looked back since.

I love the fact that Markdown lite it presents is really easy to use on both phone, and with a keyboard. Sure, it’s visible, but once you get used to it, it fades away with no issues. I really like that I’ve got a few font options for the editor, and that I can change the size and line spacing as I need to. I LOVE the theme options to the point that I have a hard time even reading anywhere else. LINKING NOTES WITHIN A NOTE HAS CHANGED MY LIFE, and the fact that it’s easy (just two plain brackets to start!) really changed the game for me. Once you get the tagging system down, it’s super super easy to make fit your needs.

None of these features are hard to use. This app does NOT take multiple hours long tutorials to figure out how to use (looking at you, Notion). It’s also regularly updated and the support staff are decent about keeping users in the loop (ahem, Scrivener).

There are some downsides, but it depends on what your baseline is.

This is not a traditional word processor. You can’t double space a document and then print it. You can’t add footnotes and shit, at least, not in the way that a lot of students probably need to. There’s no collaboration support at all, which was actually an enormous draw (more on this in a sec). You can’t set fonts for specific notes: you just pic one for the whole app and that’s what all your notes will pop up in. And on that front, there’s a distinct lack of Garamond which is forgivable only because this is something only I care about and this app works so fucking well I can’t be bothered to care anymore. Depending on your needs, some of this might be a good thing! Idk about anyone else but I hated having to format a word doc to make it look less trash just to type up a story idea. Having a uniform appearance might be nice for some people!

This is also the part where I mention my work flow is a fucking nightmare, and I found this out when I was working on NaNoWriMo for 2021. I wrote everything for Sacrificial/Lorge Joon Fic™️ in a web app called Hermit (which, don’t get me wrong, I liked it a lot) instead of doing it in Bear and then to do hand edits I exported it all in an html file which I then sucked over to a google doc and it’s been a fucking mess. AND IT’S ALL ON MY IPAD TOO. LIKE I’M NOT DOING THIS ON A COMPUTER FOLKS. IT’S A MESS. I’M A MESS.

If I were to do it all again, I’d just say fuck NaNo and word counts and just do it all in Bear with each chapter being its own note and use different features to make sure I can bounce between chapters with ease. Achieving more than 50k words in less than a month though … honestly I don’t recommend it. The novel I have now is a fucking mess for multiple reasons and that rush is definitely a part of it. If I’d just used Bear from the start, it would’ve been hard to keep track of actual word count but I think my workflow would have been a lot more streamlined. Figuring out larger projects in this app is a work in progress but I’m getting there! It’s totally possible, you just have to remember that not everything has to be a fucking word document.

It’s not perfect. But the other options all have problems too. Scrivener’s support staff is absent and gives no shits about developing for mobile (or Microsoft ope) infrastructure. I know people who swear by it, and I love that for them, but not for me. Notion is a fucking nightmare to work with unless you’re super dedicated to figuring out. Again, people who figure it out love it as an organizational tool. Word sux. Google Docs is good, especially if you’re sending things to beta readers or need specific formatting, but it gets overwhelmed by large files AND the support on iPad is … rough. I’ve had it crash a few times and I don’t like playing with fate.

So, Bear it is. Once you learn the markdown language (easy) and the basic features (y’all it is so easy), it’s a reliable app that doesn’t hurt my brain to use. It doesn’t ask much of me, and it does everything I need it to do. It works well on my iPad. And my phone. And if I end up getting a computer like I’m thinking about getting though absolutely can’t afford rn, it’ll work well on that too!

I know this is like … the essay no one asked for. If you made it this far, I love you. This is less organized than it could be, but I hope I made the case for using non-traditional word processors. The whole point of writing is to write, and I was getting too caught up in workflow and optimization and “right tools” and it’s all a lie, basically. This is something that often stresses me out, even now. I have to remind myself that what I’m using now works super well for me, and that when I’m stressed out about workflow, it’s likely because I’m feeling insecure about my writing in some way. Use what works best for you, and for me, that’s Bear.

———————

updated 3.14.2022 to mention Obsidian as an option in the summary.

#asksss #anonymoose #texts from em #writing thoughts #an essay no one asked for

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fluffi · 5 years ago

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dbsj literally same but i am convinced me and jay would be besties bc we are geniounely so similar lmao. n e wayz !! 😎 since the year is coming to an end tell me some things that happened in 2020 you're grateful for - ⛄

LMAOO jay is honestly such a mood. i feel like we would just vibe perfectly and i wouldnt be afraid to be myself around him. (this one comment is honestly starting to make me a jay simp asjdf)

- - -

2020 reminds me of a stock market crashing, but we dont have to talk about that,,,some nice things that happened...hmm

1. i found tumblr: i stumbled upon this platform while searching for cute pics of a cpop artist (lin yanjun stans wya) and i just started reading more and more of his fan fics through google (on my ipad T-T) till i decided to make an account. from there i got curious and started searching for kpop fan fics, and realized THAT THERES LITERALLY A WHOLE FANFIC WORLD INSIDE TUMBLR. i got an account and i lurked as a reader, until one day i decided to open another blog and started uploading incorrect quotes. i then started to write imagines,,and...here we are! :D

2. i joined a special discord server: seems kind of weird,,but i was watching this one skz fan vid when the creator advertised about her discord server and i decided to join for the fun of it,,,its only been 1 and a half months but ive made amazing friends and ive started playing minju-bot (its a card collecting game on discord) and its been helping me relieve stress!

3. i started doing homeschool: i’ve been doing physical school for pretty much my entire life but because of covid (and other personal reasons) my parents switched me to doing online school. i wasnt a fan of it at first but its really cleared up more time for me to do other things (like writing)! also, ive recently been approved by the schoolboard to be able to do 2 school years in one, so ill be graduating a year earlier :D

4. my piano exams got delayed: okay, i know this seems like a bad thing and that was what i initially thought at first,, until i sat down and wrote my schedule. i then realized that i barely had time to get ready for my exams. piano course ‘A’’s exam was supposed to be in august but if i were to do it then i dont think i would pass or at least get a decent grade. piano course B’s exam was also supposed to be in october but it got dragged to early december, i just did it 3 days ago and i personally think it went pretty well!

there are many more, but one of the most important things is that i met friends! here! on tumblr! who make me happy! :D so thank you guys, i wouldnt be able to get through 2020 if it werent for you :)

#if you read through all of that i love you so much asdfjk #also qt anon thank you so much for sending this #it really made me realize how much we need to appreciate 2020 #even though it was a VERY sucky year #* — moots 💜 !#* — asks !#* — favorite asks !#⛄ anon

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thehoneyedhufflepuff · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 17

Hey y’all! It’s been a minute! I...totally didn’t mean for it to take this long to get this chapter out, but most of you probably know by now that I had a bit of a crash after the COC, & then a bunch of personal stuff came raining down on me, & I just...needed some time.

But I am back, & this chapter is a whopper at 15k! Before we get the party started, I have some announcements 👀

I have some BTL art pieces to share! Super wild tbh. Something I’ve wanted since I started writing for the fandom last year is to write something that inspires someone to make art, & I’m just blown away that this fic has inspired some lovely pieces! I wanted to share them with y’all here in case you missed them (in order they were received 💜):

Fit Idiot & Hot Swot by @pinkhairandbubblegum (I should’ve shared this one last chapter, but I was drowning in the countdown & rushed through my beginning notes 😅)

Barista Bloke Simon & Bookshop Bloke Baz by the lovely @pitchpatronus 💜 Simon’s my lock screen & Baz is my home screen on my phone & it’s just lovely to see them looking back at me.

And last but certainly not least: the incomparable @vkelleyart illustrated the stargazing scene from Simon & Baz’s first date. 💜✨💜 I gushed about it at length on my Tumblr reblog. They live on my iPad background & Simon’s so damn dreamy it’s no wonder Baz fell for him. Er. Is falling for him. 😏

Thank y’all again for these pieces of art; I truly am living the dream 💜😭💜

Also! I finally broke down & added the playlist to Spotify! I know that’s the music platform of choice for lots of people, & I high-key hate it, but I wanted y’all to be able to listen if you wanted. Find that here.

Also also: I drew a lil something myself to go with the last chapter. Here’s that in case you missed it. 🙃

Thank you as always to the wonderful @f-ing-ruthless-baz & @warriorbeeofthesea for your stalwart beta work. Love y’all lots. And thank you to the lovely @pipsqueakparker for guest-betaing this chapter. 💜

Content Warning: Here there be Wanks. (Or one wank, rather.) And typical talk about unpleasant intrusive thots. Thoughts.

I think that’s it? Shall we?

Snippet (a really weird beginning tbh lmao):

Simon 🌹(1:04 am): staying at baz’s overnight just fyi since you’ll be home before me

mum 🌻 (4:13 am): oh honey I hope you remembered the condoms

mum 🌻 (4:15 am): I’ll probably be sleeping when you get in. Love you have fun 💕💕

Simon 🌹(11:57 am): mum……..no

Simon 🌹(11:57 am): love you too

Simon 🌹(11:57 am): but no

***

BAZ

“I wanna do something impulsive,” Dev says. “Like get a piercing. Or a tatt.”

We’ve been on the road for fifteen minutes, maybe, and he’s resorted to talking about himself since I’ve refused to divulge any details from my night with Simon. (I think his plan is to try and loosen me up enough to talk about it, but he’s only setting himself up to be sorely disappointed.)

I’ve both hands on the wheel, even though the roads aren’t bad. The little bit of snow that fell last night has turned to muck, and it’s a clear day. Still, I’m not taking any chances. And also I need something to do with my hands, lest I end up chewing my thumb to a bloody mess.

I’ve a lot to think about. I always do. But now…

Now…

Dev pokes me in the arm. “Would you do it?”

“Do what.”

“Piercing. Tattoo. Haven’t you been listening?”

“No.” It’s an answer to both questions, really.

“Come on, Baz—”

“No.”

“I’m leaning piercing, I think. Septum, maybe.”

“Good for you.”

“What about your dick?”

I roll my eyes to the ceiling before focusing on the road again. “What about my dick, Dev?”

“Could get your dick done. Frenum piercing. It’s supposed to make things more sensitive—”

“I am not letting anyone near—”

He tsks at me. “Salisbury’s lament—”

“A piercer, you moron.”

“Should I get a frenum piercing?”

“I don’t know, Dev; should you?” I don’t give him the satisfaction of turning towards him when I ask.

“Maybe.” I hear him tap his fingertips along the windowsill a few times. I know he’s fighting nerves. (Maybe this new fascination with getting a piercing is a result…) “Would you come with me?” he asks. “If I went.”

“I really think you should think this through more—”

“Well, I won’t get my dick done right away. I’d start with the septum. Seems less risky—”

“Seems painful.”

“Mm, probably.” He drums his fingertips against the windowsill some more, then, “Oh!”

I jump in my seat. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes a moment. “Yes?”

“Jesus Christ, can’t believe I forgot to tell you. I had the fucking weirdest dream—”

“Mm, did you dream you possessed some semblance of intelligence?”

“Fuck you, arsehole; I dreamt about you baking banana bread and watching Niall and me shag.”

“What.”

Keep reading on AO3

Between the Lines

or, The Bookshop AU

Rating: Mature

Summary: Baz is a neuro-atypical uni student working at Nico’s Bookshop when he meets Simon Salisbury, a friend of his bookish classmate Penelope. Simon’s determined to get to know Baz, but Baz has known loss & tries to protect himself. Thing is, he can’t quite help falling for the boy with bronze curls & a big heart.

There will be fluff. There will be pining. There will be shameless flirting. There will be general idiocy. (Also some light angst, apparently…)

Read on AO3

#btl update #between the lines #btl art 🦖💙💛🦖#snowbaz #my fanfiction #snowbaz fanfiction #bookshop bloke baz 🦖#fit idiot #🦖💙💛🦖

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chara-killer-bear · 8 years ago

Note

ALL U TRASH BEAN

1. What is you middle//full name?

Alias: Sally Janches

Real Middle Name: Jane Deveza

2. How old are you?

15 turning 16 in 4 days

3. What is your birthday?

January 27, 2001

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Aquarius uvu

Chinese zodiac would be the snake~

5. What is your favorite color?

Redish-pink or a really dark shade of blue

6. What’s your lucky number?

4 or 8 or 16

7. Do you have any pets?

A cat named Peter and a few goldfish that are floating about in the tank atm :”)

8. Where are you from?

Santa Clara, California

9. How tall are you?

4′9″ to 4′11″ sadly :”)

10. What shoe size are you?

flats it’s a 3 or 3 ½ and with sneaker it’s a 5 or a 6–

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

More than 25 that’s for sure–

12. What was your last dream about?

Last dream was something revolving around some fantasy plot– I forgot what most of it was- but the only thing I remember was that I was tryna exit the dream or something and this wizard is all like “in order to escape you need to forget” and I’m like “lmao let’s get this over with”

13. What talents do you have?

- Whistle

- Went through the suffering process of drawing

- Be a meme

14. Are you psychic in any way?

For some reason through dreams–

Y’know in all honesty I remember there was this particular vision I had in the middle of 6th grade and still traumatizes me to this day but you’d probs have to bug me a bit before I actually tell ya

15. Favorite song?

- Jenny by Studio Killers

- Say You Like Me by We the Kings

- Pretend by Bad Suns

- Rather Be by Clean Bandit

- Dead Hearts by Stars

16. Favorite movie?

- Coraline :”)

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

@static–things

18. Do you want children?

Only the future will tell–

19. Do you want a church wedding?

Not sure–

20. Are you religious?

Just a bit– But not one of those hardcore religious people– Just a lil–

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

A few times– Although mostly because I was a small child and I kept getting sick a lot–

I remember we had to perform surgery on me when I was a toddler because there was something wrong with the gums on my teeth

I was really close to going to the hospital when I was around 8-10 because I was struck with a really high fever and my body was close to dying, until my mom force fed me to eat a whole bunch of healthy foods, I threw up many times, and the next day I was fine. According to my mom, I was in that bad of a condition probably because my grandma kept starving me from food when my fever began.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Got scot-free though

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

I would say the Prince of India, since my uncle’s sister is married to him and I was at their wedding– I was probably around 7-8 at the time though

24. Baths or showers?

Showers :”)

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Pink

26. Have you ever been famous?

Nah– I’m just your average nerd who just needs Internet to live :”)

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Nah–

28. What type of music do you like?

I really don’t have a particular type of music I like–

Well, except Christmas songs– If they count–

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Nope.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

0-1

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I think it’s called fetal position???

32. How big is your house?

1 room

1 living room

1 kitchen

1 creepy ass hallway

1 bathroom

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Mostly I don’t even eat breakfast, but when I do it’s just mostly things I can cook fast, like pizza or ramen–

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Sadly nah :”)

35. Have you ever tried archery?

:”)

36. Favorite clean word?

Oh my goodness–

Oh golly goodness

37. Favorite swear word?

F U CKITY FUCKERTONS

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

1 week :”)

39. Do you have any scars?

Yeah– burn scars; one each on my arms and one on my ankles–

I’m pretty sure I have a scar on the back of my neck–

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I don’t know- do I?

41. Are you a good liar?

I’m not even sure anymore–

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Maybe??? I’m not sure???

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Sorrey eye onley spek Engliph

44. Do you have a strong accent?

Meh– Not really–

45. What is your favorite accent?

ENGLISH ACCENT OR MAYBE SCOTTISH

46. What is your personality type?

ENFP

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Honestly this coat I have lying around that’s around $40–

I probably have another article of clothing that’s much more expensive than that but I can’t name any atm–

48. Can you curl your tongue?

T A C O T O N G U E

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Ambidextrous!

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Nah– I find them interesting~

52. Favorite food?

SPAM M A S U B I

53. Favorite foreign food?

PALABOK

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

If I were a clean person I would know where tf my Kindle is now :”)

55. Most used phrased?

- jfc

- G OLLY GOODNESS

- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

- Hello darkness my old friend-

56. Most used word?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

A good 30 minutes of me actually getting ready :”)

58. Do you have much of an ego?

At some level, but not egoistic

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Bite :”)

But whenever I’m working on something mostly I just suc

60. Do you talk to yourself?

H eh, well according to @static–things apparently I do–

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Every day :”)

62. Are you a good singer?

Nah

63. Biggest Fear?

h EI G H T S

64. Are you a gossip?

Not sure–

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I guess There Will Be Blood? There’s probably a more dramatic movie I watched but the first thing that popped up when it comes to drama is There Will Be Blood

66. Do you like long or short hair?

Meh–

Both?

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

1- California

2- Texas

3- New York

4- Oregon

5- Washington

6- Idaho

7- Wisconsin

8- Utah

9- Colorado

10- New Mexico

11- Oklahoma

12- North Dakota

13- South Dakota

14- Kansas

15- Arkansas

16- Maryland

17- Massachusetts

18- Nevada

19- West Virginia

20- Vermont

21- Pennsylvania

22- Montana

23- Tennessee

24- Wyoming

25- Michigan

26- New Jersey

27- New Hampshire

28- Ohio

29- Hawaii

30- Alaska

31- Florida

32- Louisiana

33- Illinois

34- Nebraska

35- Missouri

36- North Carolina

37- South Carolina

38- Iowa

39- Kentucky

40- Indiana

41- Alabama

42- Georgia

43- Virginia

44- Connecticut

45- Delaware

46- Rhode Island

47- Maine

48- Minnesota

Aaaaaaaaand I’ll end it there

68. Favorite school subject?

HISTORY AND ENGLISH

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

I’d like to say both–

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

Nope :”)

71. What makes you nervous?

Many things:

- anxiety

- the ever-so impending fear of people leaving me, people hating me, etc.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Nope–

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Sometimes–

Mostly just to be an ass lmao

74. Are you ticklish?

Yep :”)

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

… h eh

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Nah– I’d panic if that happened though

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Nope–

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Hell nope–

79. Who was your first real crush?

First real crush would either be this guy named Aaron or another guy named Lam

80. How many piercings do you have?

2- considering they’re ear piercings

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrojo

82. How fast can you type?

Last time I checked it was around 72.9 WPM

Lemme check again

87.9 WPM

83. How fast can you run?

Faster than the chaser that’s for sure–

84. What color is your hair?

Dark brown

85. What color is your eyes?

Brown

86. What are you allergic to?

Well one thing for sure is hot dogs–

I swear, redirecting to 21, my fever started because of this hot dog I ate at Target-

So in summary of chain of events, first I ate a hot dog at Target with my grandma back when my hot dog allergy wasn’t as bad as it is now- and before my grandma drove me to her workplace(because back in the day my dad was no where to be seen, my mom had to work, and since I had no where else to go to after school, that’s when my grandma stepped up and decided to take me to her workplace every after school despite her boss telling her she can’t)

After my grandma drove me from all the way to Rosemead to LA where her workplace is at, I felt like dizzy and sick for some unknown reason at the time but thought it would pass. There was this room that was dedicated for my use only in my grandma’s work because no one used it, and it had a huge couch. So I pretty much crashed on that couch, waited for the dizziness to pass, and slept.

Next thing you know it, I woke up and in an instant I threw up both on the couch and on the carpet floor(which would explain why a few days after they got rid of the couch and the stain on the carpet remained forever as this black blotch among the original red hue of the surrounding carpet. They were bound to get rid of that couch anyways; my grandma always told me that it used to be owned from the past establishment it was before it was an eye clinic- which was a morgue. So basically not only did I sleep on a couch that was sat on doctors sucking the blood out of dead people, but it could possibly be soaked with dead people’s blood.)

Right after that happened, I kept hurling in the bathroom, and when it came to the time where my grandma had to leave the clinic, my grandma gave me a bucket for me to throw up in case I do- and pretty much the following night I felt like shit- couldn’t breathe most of the time, felt hot everywhere, absent from school for at least a week or so because I felt that horrible, and almost had to go to the hospital, but ironically felt better when I threw up after my mom force fed me food.

87. Do you keep a journal?

Not anymore– Unless notes on iPad and Chromebook count–

88. What do your parents do?

Secret~

89. Do you like your age?

16 MY FAVORITE NUMBER

90. What makes you angry?

- If someone hurts any one of my loved ones

- Bigotry

91. Do you like your own name?

Meh- Could change it to Sally

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

Not really–

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Maybe girl~ It’s not like I really care that much though, girl or boy or nonbinary, I’ll still love them the same

94. What are you strengths?

BE A M E M E

95. What are your weaknesses?

Not sure–

Depends from person to person I guess–

96. How did you get your name?

Honestly my mom thought I was going to be born a Capricorn, and since she had way too many bad experiences with Capricorns, she thought it would be a good idea to name me a name that sounded “spunky”, which is a trait she kinda disliked. However jokes on her, I was born late, thus I turned out to be an Aquarius, and now I turned out to be a smartass.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

Don’t recall so–

98. Color of your room?

White/Beige

99. Color of your bedspread?

Can’t say for certain– I would say either white or patterned–

100. Make up your own question

Favorite type of milk?

Strawberry milk~

#Mun speaks

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supersadonlinejournaling · 7 years ago

Text

return

lmao well, posting everyday obviously didnʻt happen. But to be fair, my laptop crashed on the first day of school and didnʻt get fixed and returned back to me until two days ago. I guess we can recap though. Itʻs gonna be a long one.

Itʻs weird. Growing up, depression, and anxiety, and suicide was something that iʻd only ever occasionally see during TV commercials. Like the antidepressant commercials where theyʻd tell you that suicidal thoughts or behaviors would be a side effect to their product. As far as I knew until I was out of high school, depression wasnʻt something anyone ever really experiences. My mind couldnʻt comprehend what it meant to be sad all the time. Even my mom would make comments about how “depressed” people arenʻt actually depressed. Theyʻre just sad and need to get over it. It seemed like such an easy fix to me, obviously, just do stuff you like and itʻll make you happier. Itʻs easy to give advice to someone when you donʻt know whatʻs actually going through their mind. But here I am, 21 years old and struggling to find a reason to keep breathing. Because I grew up with the understanding that depression is something that probably affects 1 in a billion people, I never thought it would happen to me, but clearly thats not true. Depression is so much more common than I ever would have thought, but it has this negative stigma to it, that if you feel it, then theres something wrong with you. Youʻre taking advantage of your privileged life where you live in a nice neighborhood, you got what you wanted every Christmas, you've traveled the world, youʻre in the upper middle class, you have family that cares about you, and no ones ever hurt you. Granted, the last one isnʻt the case anymore, which is why I want to start writing here again.

After my 6 weeks at the hospital, I honestly didnʻt feel that sad anymore. I actually went more than a day without jumping to suicide as the quickest and easiest way to solve all my problems. Although, of course, I wasnʻt fully cured just by going to therapy everyday in just 6 weeks. That would be magical, but it wasnʻt the case. I still wanted to hurt myself, and more in the ways that I have always done growing up: hitting myself during panic attacks, pressing my nails into my palms until I broke my skin, and pulling at my hair until it fell out. I wanted to bleed because I felt like I deserved it. Donʻt get me wrong, therapy helped tremendously, but I also left that place feeling stupid about the things I let myself do. I convince myself everyone hates me, that people laughing in the same room as me are laughing about me, that Iʻm pathetic, and useless, and that I donʻt deserve to live. The helped me realize all of that wasnʻt true, but I felt stupid because of course it isnʻt true. Thereʻs no possible way that each person that walks by hates me, thereʻs no way people sitting across the room laughing at the screen of their phones are laughing at me, Iʻm not pathetic, Iʻm not useless, and everyone deserves to live because thats why weʻre all here.

I went a week thinking that maybe ill be okay finally. I wasnʻt thinking about how to end my life. I was hardly even thinking about hurting myself. I was just excited to go back to school. I knew that being in Hawaii again will make me happier especially because that means I wonʻt be in the presence of my mother who constantly would make comments about my low weight and bad eating habits or lack of. She stopped making those comments when I asked, but I can see it in her eyes that she was still judging me. In Hawaii Iʻd be by myself again. I feel like theres much less of a beauty standard here considering little to no people here cake makeup on their face, everyone is very relaxed and its a nice vacation from the stuck up wannabe beauty gurus that live in San Diego. I loved the smell of the air when I got off the plane. I love how dark it gets at night. I love being able to see the ocean out my window, and I love all the people. Everyone here will be the nicest and most generous people that youʻll ever meet.

I ended IOP on August 15, 2018 at noon in San Diego, but exactly a week later, August 22nd, 2018 at 9 am in Hawaii, I got a notification from the guy that I really really liked. Hereʻs the backstory: This guy was in two of my classes during the fall 2017 semester. He sat behind me in one class, and in the second class our seats varied depending on which group we were assigned but we only sat close to each other once, and again he was behind me. No matter how I feel, depressed or not, I donʻt feel like Iʻm that attractive and I never have, but since this was the time when my depression and anxiety was getting worse and worse, I had never thought so little of myself, so I never bothered to even talk to him. What was the point? I knew it was going to end in a “no.” So I kept to myself hoping that, for whatever reason, heʻd talk to me out of the blue and then ask me out. Clearly that didnʻt happen because of the dates I just mentioned. Spring 2018, the next semester, I didnʻt have any classes with him, which bummed me out considering I spent all winter break convincing myself just to talk to him at least once when school starts. Both of us belong to the same major, one, if not, the smallest major at this school, so the chances of him being in more classes with me were pretty great. Unfortunately that didnʻt happen, andI was pretty sad about that. Either way, I got over it since it was out of my control, but by the end of January, I just couldnʻt take it anymore. Nothing happened, not that I can remember at least, but I have a vague memory of me crying while pacing in my dorm room and telling my mom how much I wish I had friends or how much I wish people would just like me and give me a chance. When I was done with that call, I didnʻt stop crying, I couldnʻt stop and that ended up being the closest I had ever gotten to killing myself. That night I had a plan, a date, and the intention of killing myself before the week was over. In my distorted, foggy, mind, I came up with the brilliant idea of doing something that I would normally regret. I figured that if I was so sure that I was going to be dead in 5 days, then I had nothing to lose if it doesnʻt work out. Just to note: if it did work out, then I was still going to kill myself. At 2 am that night I texted my best friend and told her my plan to message that guy I liked, tell him how I feel and then see where it goes from there. She wasnʻt aware of why I decided to come up with this idea, and she still doesnʻt know to this day, but maybe if we start talking again like we used to, then maybe Iʻll tell her why I made that decision. She hyped me up of course, and even sent the message for me when I was too scared to do it. I regretted it as soon as it happened, but I knew that there was no turning back, and I could only hope that he doesnʻt have message request notifications on. He did. Within about 45 seconds, my friend opened my Instagram account again on her phone to log out, and saw I had someone requesting to follow me, and it was him. He hadnʻt responded to the message, but he wanted to follow me, so I accepted him and followed him back. I actually convinced myself that this might turn into a love story, but 3 days passed and he never responded. The only interaction he had with me was occasionally watching my Instagram stories but that was it. I was left on read for 4 days in total, and the morning that I went to the bay to watch my last ever sunrise was the day I got a notification from him later that day. The orange 1 was in the top right corner of my screen and I couldnʻt be happier, but when I opened the message, he hadnʻt sent one to me. He only “liked” the message by double tapping the message bubble I sent and that was it. Nothing else. All I could think of was how much of an asshole he must be and that I'm glad this didnʻt work out. I wasnʻt scared of being rejected, well I was, but I was prepared for it, but if he was going to reject me, he couldʻve at least said, thank you for your interest but Iʻm in a relationship or something along those lines. Thatʻs what I wouldʻve said at least, but then again, I donʻt get messages from boys so what would I know?

Fast forward to 7 months later. August 22nd, 2018. What happened that day you might ask? Well, first of all, Hurricane Lane was predicted to rip through the islands so all campuses were closed so no one had school on the 3rd day of the semester. Second of all, I got a notification from the app called Hinge. The reason I downloaded that is because my therapist indirectly told me to. She said to download apps to meet friends, which I did, but I honestly, wanted a boyfriend more than I wanted a friend. If you get a boyfriend then you make friends with their friends, right? So I got Hinge. I chose Hinge because it was advertised to be an app where you actually meet people who want a relationship and not a hookup. If it wasnʻt already obvious, I havenʻt ever had a real boyfriend before so you can see where my hesitance to mindlessly hookup with guys comes from. The app gives you notifications every single time someone likes a picture of yours, and that particular morning, I was sitting on my bed, drawing on my iPad when I got the notification that “Nicholas liked you!” I couldnʻt tell you how angry I was. I canʻt even put it into words. I couldnʻt believe that the same person who wouldnʻt give me a second look 7 months ago, gave a shit about me today. I hated that. So in the midst of my rage, I matched with him and got his number.

We talked all day that day, and all day the next day. I loved talking to him. He was into the same bands I was into, he thought I was funny (which is a good quality if you're lacking in physical beauty), and he was just a genuinely nice person, and I was really happy and felt really lucky to be talking to him, but then we ended up in a conversation about how my laptop crashed a few days ago, so my access to Netflix is limited to my iPad that hardly stays connected to the internet, which isnʻt ideal for being in the middle of a hurricane with nothing else to do. He asked me if I wanted to come over and watch Netflix on his laptop, and I said yes. Just to repeat, this app was Hinge and not Tinder, so I assumed that he meant that weʻd actually watch Netflix on his laptop when I got there. But to be fair, I know that Iʻm stupid, I know that I shouldnʻt have expected that to actually happen, but like I said, THIS IS HINGE NOT TINDER. When I got there, he introduced me to his roommates, whoʻs names I didnʻt care to remember, and he led me to his room where he turned on an amazon prime documentary about some haunted house. Both of us liked scary movies, and that was yet another sign of him probably trying to make a move on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Iʻm stupid. We cuddled, and Iʻll admit that in that moment I felt even happier. I felt comfortable. I felt weirdly like I belonged right there. This was the first time that any guy had ever ever liked me back, and it was a guy I thought was far out of my league, but there we were, cuddling on his bed, he was holding my hand, and rubbing his thumb against my palm. It was the best feeling Iʻve ever experienced, and I know thatʻs sad to admit considering cuddling with a guy at 21 was the highlight of my life right there. About 45 minutes into my stay we started kissing, and if I was more experienced, I maybe wouldʻve realized that he was trying to get me to kiss him before that, but just give me a break. Iʻm a slow learner. Despite how nice it was to cuddle with him, I canʻt say the same for kissing him. For some reason, I always thought that my first kiss, even if my first kiss was with a guy I didnʻt like as much as him, would be more exciting. I honestly expected to have a Princess Diaries moment where Iʻd get butterflies and my foot would pop up behind me. Thats not what happened, I just kinda laid there and hoped I was kissing alright. I just wanted to get back to cuddling.

Eventually we stopped, and cuddling didnʻt exactly feel the same after that. I still enjoyed being there but I was let down by that kiss, and I was also hoping that we could try again and see if it was better the second time, it wasnʻt and not for the reasons that made suicide tempting again, but because it was just dull. Heʻs my only reference as to who is a good kisser or not, so I have no clue if it was that, or if I just wasnʻt as into it as I had hoped. Like last time, we kissed for a while and I expected it to end within a minute or two so we could finish watching this movie, but soon he moved on top of me. and kept kissing me and before I knew it, his hands were between my legs and I stopped. If Iʻm being honest, I wouldnʻt have stopped if I didnʻt go through IOP. I wouldʻve sat there and took it even though I wasnʻt ready or having fun because I didnʻt think I had the power to say no. But I did, I stopped and shook my head and he looked down at me. I told him I had never had sex before and he seemed surprised, which Iʻm still trying to figure out if thats a good or a bad thing. I either looked like a slut that has slept with every guy at school and he was shocked that wasnʻt the case, or he's just surprised that a 21 year old virgin unknowingly agreed to come over and have sex with him. Either way, he told me that was okay and we didn't have to do it. I apologized, 3 times, and he really did make me feel better about it. He kissed me so I would stop apologizing which is something that I thought only happens in cheesy fan fiction or unrealistic love stories. I was happy again. I was happy to be cuddling with him, and kissing him was better. I determined at that point, that our kisses werenʻt that great because I subconsciously knew where those kisses were going to lead even if I wasnʻt okay with it. So we stopped, started another movie and eventually started kissing again within 15 minutes of the movie that I actually did want to watch. Knowing we werenʻt going to do anything I wasnʻt comfortable with made the kiss more enjoyable. Thatʻs where I genuinely believed weʻll have a relationship from this point on and be super cliche and obnoxious by walking each other to class and kissing one another good bye as we go on our day. Sadly that wasnʻt the case because my first “no” apparently wasnʻt convincing enough because he touched me between my legs again. My second “no” wasnʻt convincing enough either. Neither was the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, or eighth time. I started counting after three, seeing how many it would take for the man above me to listen. 8 wasnʻt the answer because at that point I just stopped saying anything. He was 6 foot 4, over 200 pounds and way too big and heavy for me to be able to effectively push him off of me, so I gave up. I shut my mouth and let him touch me even though I didnʻt like it at all. I hated it. I hated that feeling. He wanted all my clothes off, but I did muster up the confidence to say that I didnʻt want my bralette off, but that wasnʻt an issue with him because he pushed it off to the side anyway, as if I didnʻt say anything. I donʻt know what we did to be honest. I know he got off to something we did but I donʻt know if it was dry sex or something different, either way I hated it, but he clearly got what he wanted and that was it.

After he was finished, we laid down again and watched the last bit of the third movie he had put on. I laid down with my hands interlocked as I began my bad habit of pressing my fingernails into my skin. I can still see the scar from where I pressed the hardest as I type this. I was numb. It was a situation where I expected to have a crippling panic attack but I didnʻt. I just laid there. My legs were straight and my harsh grip of my hands were resting on my stomach. He was laying next to me, his phone in his hands as he scrolled through Instagram and texted some of his friends, as if none of that ever happened. As if he didnʻt completely violate the body of someone who has never been touched, someone who trusted him and he took advantage of that. I know that he never liked me, I just know that when he saw my picture on that app, he knew Iʻd be willing to have sex with him because I was already interested. He wouldʻve messaged me back in January if he wanted anything more than to get off. We didnʻt talk for almost 30 minutes before he grabbed my legs and swung them over my hips so we could cuddle again and I hated it. I knew my car was just outside the window and I couldnʻt wait to get into it and go back home. I didnʻt want to be here any longer, but I didnʻt even feel like I had the strength to get up. I just sat there, barely paying attention to the movie as I contemplated my worth as a human being.

When the movie was over, he turned on his bedroom lights, closed his computer and watched me get dressed, before walking me to the door and saying “see ya later.” He greeted me with a hug when I got there, so I thought maybe Iʻd at least get one when I left but I didnʻt. Nothing. He shut the door before I was even off the concrete porch, and I walked in the rain and dirt filled puddles to my car and back to my bed. I took a shower as soon as I got inside, feeling like I could get rid of the feelings and memories as I scrubbed them away on my body, but that did nothing but make me smell like me and not his cologne. That was the first night I had cut myself in 4 years, and it started a bad habit since then. I hated myself, I genuinely hated myself. I hated myself for so many reasons. I hate that I was stupid enough to think he actually wanted to hang out with me. I hate that I was stupid enough to apologize for not having sex with him. I hate that I thought he actually liked me. I hate that I ruined the only opportunity I had to actually be happy. I hate that I thought it was my fault, but I also hated knowing that it was my fault. I hate that Iʻm not good enough for anyone. Iʻm not and have never been a girl that gets any attention from guys. I never do. I haven't in years, and itʻs not that I donʻt notice it, itʻs that I donʻt get it. Ever. It took 21 years to find a guy that actually liked me back and I ruined it because Iʻm me. The whole situation makes me feel like some kind of dirty rag. A dirty rag that has been sitting in the cabinet in the garage for years. Itʻs waiting in the back with cobwebs and spiders nesting inside of it, and the one day it gets used is the day when all the nicer rags are dirty and needing to be washed. Iʻm the last resort. I know I am.

I felt worthless. I know Iʻm not though, I know Iʻm worth something even though it may not be a lot. Iʻm just some below average 21 year old girl who gets average grades, and has no friends, no special talents, no nothing. If I was gone maybe 4 people would cry, and all of them are my family. No one else would, I know that they wouldnʻt, so clearly Iʻm not worth a lot, but it is something. Although, I think other people determine your worth as well. Not to say their version of your worth is more accurate than what you feel about yourself, but people are gonna treat you based on how much they think youʻre worth. I could walk around with a sign on my chest saying I'm worth a million dollars, and I can convince myself that I am, but no ones gonna treat me as such. If I actually was worth a million dollars, then I wouldnʻt have gotten molested in the bed of the guy I could see myself marrying in my fantasy world that I came up with in my head. He thinks Iʻm worth far less than that, and thats how he treated me. No girls were responding to his messages on tinder so he downloaded hinge and I was one of the first people he saw. He didnʻt like me because I was me, he didnʻt like the things I had on my profile, he saw an opportunity to get himself off with little to no effort. He knew Iʻd want to come over, and he took advantage of that. To him, Iʻm not worth a relationship of any kind. He didnʻt want to ask me questions about me, he didnʻt want to know anything about me, he just wanted my body, and to him any body is good enough because as long as he keeps his eyes closed, then he can imagine me as any girl in the world, except who I really am. He makes me feel worthless, and I want to forget that night. I hate that I hesitate going to my yoga class in the schoolʻs gym, afraid hell be there when I walk in. I hate that I saw his car in the parking lot of the school. I hate that I see his face in album covers of music I listen to. I hate that anything can make me think of him, and I wish I was thinking good things. I wish the image that would flash in my brain is the image of his smile with the sound of his laugh. I wish I felt how happy I was when we were together. But I donʻt. The image I see is his shadow covered face as he looked down at me after the third time he touched me. I hate that I imagine his room and how I can see the door as if I was ready to run out of it. I hate that I canʻt look at my outfits the same if I grab something I wore that night. I hate that I canʻt even look down at my arm without being able to point out which scars were from that night. I hate that I think about it every day and its been three weeks. I make a conscious effort to keep my mind busy from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep in fear that Iʻll flash back to that again, but no matter. what it still happens. No matter how much I hurt myself because I feel like I deserve it, no matter what I think of, it circles back to him, and I want it to stop.

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fragiilexa · 8 years ago

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all the even numbers

100 questions

OH MY GOD. that was a lot of questions lmao

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?

already answered.

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?

already answered.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?

already answered.

8. What are your current goals?

already answered.

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?

already answered.

12. Can you keep a diet?

I don’t really do diets? They’re always usually unhealthy & detrimental to your health so I just try to portion food & stuff, pick healthier choices, I don’t like… do weird diets or anything.

14. Do you work?

Not currently no, I don’t.

16. Would you get a tattoo?

Yes, I would love to get a tattoo, I really want one that says Think Positive but the T in positive is a cross? I’ve seen it somewhere before & I’d love that, then also I want one that says ‘I can’t hear hate when I got so much love.’ I also had this really cute idea for getting a tattoo for each of my pets but idk how that one would pan out yet.

18. Can you drive?

No. Not yet I cant.

20. What was the last thing you cried for?

I cried watching some youtube videos a few days ago, lmao that was fun…

22. Is life fun?

Yeah. It is kiddo it IS fun, it’s like a fun lil’ roller coaster u know? Sometimes it feels like it’s not fun & you get scared but things are all okay in the end, you know?

24. What’s your dream car?

Mini Coop Countryman. It’s just? Super cute? I mean I’m not really into cars, realistically I’d probably get a jeep ‘cause I’m a lot more comfortable with them but, yanno.

26. Describe your crush.

Super fuckin’ smart, like doesn’t realize it but incredibly smart & determined. Super strong in every single possible way, also one of the kindest people I have ever met & u know also super attractive & jst cute ndngjodeo i luf and u know i jsut amsuper emoitional aobut it ok byre.

28. What was your last lie?

Probably that I did something that I forgot to do? I can’t remember.

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?

Yep. I mean at least for me, less embarrassing with friends though, honestly. With family it’s worse & I feel worse but it’s easier with friends I guess.

32. What’s your favourite cocktail?

I don’t drink so….

34. Do you like small kids?

Yes! I love little kids? They’re adorable & I’m smitten, I mean some of them can be annoying u feel but 90% of the time I’m smitten with little kids ‘cause they’re like human puppies u kno?

36. What would you name your daughter/son?

If I have a son I’m gonna name him Benjamin. I haven’t thought about if I have a girl? I mean honestly I want a girl really bad when the time comes but I have no names planned out besides maybe Lila but that might be a little odd if I get the book written, I dunno. We shall see.

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?

Uh, no? Not that I can think of lmao?

40. What was the last gift you gave?

Pretty sure I gave my Mom something but I can’t remember what it was.

42. Favourite place to shop at?

Shop for what? I dunno Target?

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?

I have yet to get drunk yet. I’ll let u kno when it happens tho ok fam?

46. How old were you when you first had sex?

I MIGHT NOT UPDATE U ON THIS but also I share too much so I probably will. hasn’t happened yet tho lmao

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year?

Have fun? Idk.

50. Post a selfie.

No.

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.

U kno the usual ole’ demons & abandonment.

54. What would you tell your 12 year old self?

People are gonna leave and it’s going to hurt really bad. You’re not gonna know why it was you or what you did, but it’s okay ‘cause it’ll make you smarter & kinder than them.

56. Any bad habits you have?

I’m a nervous eater? Lmao I guess that’s a bad habit.

58. What was the last thing you cried for?

Those youtube videos.

60. Are you in love?

Wot is love ( baby don’t huRT me donT huRT ME NO MORE )

62. How long was your longest relationship?

whAT RELATIONSHIP? My friendships barely last, lmao, relationship lmoa dsgdfre

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

Hm, sometimes guy’s can be really pretentious, also they seem to think periods aren’t a big deal that bothers me & probably just the superiority complex thing. Bothers me.

66. How would you describe your bad side?

Super closed off bitch who really just doesn’t like people & can like, probably hurt a lot of people emotionally if she wanted too. Sort of terrifies me, sort of hate that bit of myself. I try to be nice but yeah it’s hard to not be super bitter sometimes.

68. What are you living for?

jeSUS FAM. I live for Jesus & all the amazing people He’s put into my life who mean the world to me.

70. Do you like your body?

It’s a love / dislike relationship. I’m constantly trying to appreciate it & love it but I also know I could physically be more fit so I wanna work on that & sometimes being like out of shape makes me self conscious but I mean I don’t hate my body I just… dislike it sometimes.

72. Ever sent nudes?

llokeodgebhrth no. I have no fun ok gtg.

74. Favourite candy?

Pixy sticks or like, sour punch straws? I don’t know.

76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?

Sims. I played WoW for a… while when I was younger & maybe I might get back into that when I have a new computer or something but Sims is my favorite game ‘cause it? It just is??? It’s the best.

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?

I am & He does. He’s gotten me through…. everything, like I don’t think I’d be here without him and I have been in a very rough patch with things lately with him but it’s 100% just me & like, yeah. But it’s not a pretentious thing though, I don’t believe that I’m somehow BETTER than everyone else. I 100% believe God exists, I love Him & He loves me & He loves all of you so it’s okay, you know?

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?

To each his own. I mean personally I love chicken too much? Lmao, but like if you’re an adult & you wanna do that feel free. I’m a little iffy when it comes to like, making your kids be vegan just because they’re growing & it’s sometimes hard to supplement the nutrients & stuff that meat would give your kids unless you really know what you’re doing & I’m 100% against it when people make their animals vegan ( like dogs who are not meant to be leaf eaters ) dogs need meat. But like I said, to each his own, as long as you’re maintaining a healthy lifestyle & aren’t depriving yourself of the right nutrients than I’m okay with it.

82. Do you like Chineese food?

No…. I’m super picky fam.. it just, doesn’t appeal to me I guess.

84. Vodka or whiskey?

Someone send me both & let me choose?

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country?

I’ve been out of state a few times but never out of the country.

88. What are you scared of?

Spiders? People leavin’ me? Dyin’? Big bugs? Suffocating? Getting burnt? Car crashes? Driving? There are a lot of things. Trust me.

90. Most traumatic experience ?

I mean… I don’t know, there’s not like a set thing or anything that’s really happened besides like, one of my best friends kind of like, dumping me when I was a kid & that kind of fucked me up but I dunno.

92. Favourite app on your phone?

I don’t have a phone but my favorite app on my ipad is probably weheartit or tumblr.

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?

I don’t watch it as much as I’d like but I love Remi Ashten she’s adorable & one of my favorite Youtubers.

96. What is the meaning of life?

Show people that God loves ‘em no matter what ‘the church’ or ‘religion’ or any one really tells them, like, God loves you & he wants you in his life. It’s really simple. That & like, just trying to make the world better you know? I am a cheese ball but I’m dead serious, I think all of us have a unique way of going through life and the ‘meaning’ of life may be slightly different for each of us but the true meaning of it all is to just show people that despite all of the horrible things in the world that there is good & the good is God and that like, we are not required to be perfect or to fit some kind of mold to be loved or accepted by God. I don’t know I’m just mush and I want everyone to know that God loves them no matter what other people say. That and make a damn good book at some point. That’s the meaning, lmao, I don’t know im 21 why are you asking me this. Ask me in another 21 years.

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?

Sadly yes. Me & My sister found that tumblr post where this kid told his mom that ‘you know there was a point where you picked me up, put me down and never picked me back up again’ and we told that to her, that at one point she’d put us down and never picked us back up again, and she like, instantly started crying and I feLT SO BAD AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IT WAS HORRIBLE.

100. Can you keep a secret?

Yep. But pinky promises are more solid than just a secret to me, tbh.

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