#me: being very sad recently and knowing it will be bad until next week

[chrisbangs]

and fuck the hate anons 😤 you’re one of the best people on this site!!! No one loves bang chan as much as you!!! you are talented, showstopping, amazing, and things just wouldn’t be the same without you!! Keep being you!! :D

[tateypots]

Coraline

18+ MDNI

Pairing: Protective Frankie Morales x wife!reader

A/N: This is my entry for @itwasntimethatdidit40 Italian Music Challenge. I was given the song Coraline by Måneskin, I'll add the translated lyrics and a link to the song at the bottom. Its a great song.

I really loved this challenge so thank you to V for for organising but I'm not going to lie, this was hard to write. I'm usually soft and fluffy or filthy and depraved (and sometimes both) so this is my first real foray into anything angsty.

There are some very heavy themes in this so please heed the warnings before you continue and please forgive me for the timing. I know it's been a hard week and the last thing anyone needs is more sadness but I promise there is a happy ending. And I already promised @baronessvonglitter a lovely, happy, fluffy fic to follow by way of an apology!

Story is written as a reader insert but in my head her name is Coraline. Moodboard is for aesthetics only, reader is not described.

Warnings: pregnancy, miscarriage, mentions of medical procedures following miscarriage (nothing in detail), violence, injury, child abuse, grief, ptsd, implied smut but it's very brief, Frankie being the best.

Word count: 4.1K

14 weeks. That’s how far along you were. Had been. Fuck!

The beeps and whirrs of the heartrate monitor strapped to you were the only noise. Your tears silently dripping down your battered and swollen face, your body aching and broken. And empty. Your perfect little bean taken from you. Scraped from your body as though it was nothing, inconsequential.

You’d barely had time to process the words, “I’m so sorry Mrs Morales, there’s no heartbeat,” before they were wheeling you to surgery. And you had to do it all alone, your husband locked away in a cell at the local police station. Not that you blamed Frankie at all. If you had been able, you would have beaten the shit out of your father too. If your leg and ribs weren’t broken, if your shoulder hadn’t been recently dislocated. If you didn’t have this awful aching sadness gnawing away at you like a black hole devouring any hint of light from your life.

Your father was lucky that someone was there to pull Frankie off him. If only there had been someone to pull your father off you. If they’d poked their heads out of their apartments when he started yelling at you in the hallway about how you were an ungrateful little bitch for running off and marrying a man he didn’t approve of. For getting knocked up like a stupid slut. If only they had intervened then instead of waiting until you were lying battered and bleeding at the bottom of a flight of stairs just in time for Frankie returning from the grocery store. Yes he was lucky indeed. Lucky that he was currently inhabiting a cell next to Frankie instead of the casket your husband had intended to put him in.

When you’d awoken from your anaesthesia the nurse had told you that someone had informed Frankie of what had happened and the guilt nearly ripped you in two. The thought of him finding out in a cold, unforgiving cell, all alone. How his grief would be battling with his guilt that he wasn’t there for you just as yours was now, mirror images reflecting and magnifying the horror of the day. You wished he was here. You needed his deep, baritone voice to wrap you in its soothing embrace as he told you you’d be ok, that you’d get through it together.

A gentle tap on the door to your room pulls you from your thoughts. You look up to see Pope, Will and Benny gathered at the door. You see their masks slip on, just a second too late as they enter the room, training kicking in, stay calm, don’t give anything away. You know just from that how bad you must look. You’ve never seen them turn those masks on for you and it almost breaks you, the sob that claws it’s way out of your chest is violent and raw. It rips at your throat as it escapes, intent on causing as much damage to your broken body as it does to the ears of all who hear it.

They rush for you, desperate to console you. Pope reaches you first. He wraps you in his arms, gently so as not to hurt you further. You vaguely wonder why he bothers. You feel nothing but the aching pit of blackness within you that seems to grow and consume every other thought and feeling.

“It’s ok honey, let it out, we got you,” he whispers to you, holding you closer. Will is at your other side now, holding your hand, Benny beside Pope takes your other one. You feel their tears spilling onto your skin, masks dropped. They never really stood a chance against the raw, unfettered pain in the room. You surrender to your grief. You sink into Pope’s embrace and squeeze the hands that hold yours, so grateful to no longer be alone.

You think back to all the times you’d had to swallow and hide your sadness growing up, careful not to trigger your father or overburden your mother. How Frankie had to coax that side out of you, had to teach you that it was ok to be sad and vulnerable with him. That it was safe. That he was safe. That they were safe. You’d gone from having no one to having a whole family, bound not by blood but by love. And you’d never been more thankful for them.

You don’t know how long you stay like that but eventually your tears run dry. You pull out of Pope’s embrace to lean back on your pillows.

“How did you know?” you ask.

“Frankie called,” Pope tells you as Will passes him a bottle of water, “he didn’t want you to be alone.”

Of course Frankie would use his one phone call to make sure you’re ok rather than calling a lawyer. That stupid, big hearted lug. Not that there was much a lawyer would be able to do you knew. There had been plenty of witnesses. But still, your heart swells and it’s enough to momentarily break through the numbness, your love for Frankie pulling you back from the abyss.

“Here honey, drink some of this, you must be dehydrated,” Pope instructs as he brings the bottle of water to your lips. He’s put a straw in it to help you, so you don’t have to navigate the hard bottle against your swollen lips.

“I called my friend, she’s a lawyer, she’s gona head to the station and see what can be done,” Will tells you. You know it won’t be much. That bail will be expensive, more than you can afford, and a criminal record will put his military career at risk. The guilt rears its ugly head again, threatening to drown you with its voracity. Frankie is going to lose everything he’s worked so hard for on top of the already agonising loss of your baby and it’s all your fault. If only he’d fallen in love with someone else. Someone better, someone without so much baggage and a violent father.

“Thanks Will, but there’s only one way out of this that doesn’t end with him losing his job.”

They all stop and look at you. “I need to speak to my mom.”

“Honey are you sure that’s a good idea?” Pope asks you. He’s worried, you can see. He knows Frankie won’t like it.

“I’m sure Pope. Right now all I need is Frankie and she is how I get him. I don’t care about anything else, I just need him,” you tell him, once more breaking down in tears.

“Ok, ok honey, I’ll get her for you. It’s ok,” he soothes you, “you remember her phone number?”

You give him a shaky nod and dictate your parent’s phone number and address. He gives you a kiss on the crown of your head and disappears out the door.

He returns a little later with your mom. He walks behind her, shepherding her into the room like he expects her to turn tail and run. You wouldn’t be surprised if she tried, so used to existing in the safety of your fathers shadow, spewing her hatred from behind the safety of his imposing body. But now there’s no one here to hide behind. Here the tables are turned in your favour for once.

“You want us to stay with you?” Will asks, not taking his eyes off her, all 3 of them eyeballing her like she’s a piece of trash.

“No it’s ok. Just. Don’t go far?” you ask, looking at them each in turn for reassurance.

“We’ll be right outside honey,” Pope promises, “you holler if you need anything and we’ll be in in a heartbeat.”

They file out, glaring at your mother the entire time. They don’t close the door, not taking any chances of you being hurt further tonight.

She turns back to you. You don’t say anything for a minute. Give her a chance to truly see you and absorb all the visible damage to your body.

“How are you?” she eventually asks and you huff a laugh.

“Don’t pretend you care about me now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re my daughter of course I care.”

“Oh yeah, that why you stood by my whole life watching as he beat me? That why you used to tell me I deserved it?”

“You were an unruly child,” she spits at you, getting agitated now, “you needed to be disciplined, your father was just trying to get you to behave.”

“Discipline, right. Like the time he hit me so hard he knocked 3 of my teeth out because I didn’t come over the first time he called?”

She rolls her eyes at you, “they were baby teeth, don’t be so dramatic.”

“I was 7 years old and he was a full grown adult!”

“You disrespected him in front of our friends.”

You want to scream at her. You want to climb out of your bed and beat her bloody, reciting every injury inflicted against every perceived failing, the rage momentarily filling the void within you. You desperately cling to it, feed off it, praying it gives you the energy to see you through this.  

“Your father and I did the best we could, there’s no manual that comes with being a parent.”

“Well I won’t be finding that out anytime soon, seeing as your husband murdered your grandchild tonight!” you bellow back at her. It hits her like a punch. Not the fact that you’ve lost your baby. The wrath behind your words. You’ve never raised your voice to her, never displayed your emotions so shamelessly in front of her.

You see Pope in the doorway and you shake your head. He steps away again but you know he is stood right outside, waiting for your instruction. It bolsters you. She will hear what you have to say, no matter how little she likes it.

“You were terrible parents. And even now that I’m an adult you can’t let me be happy. Why are you so determined to ruin my life?”

“Ruin your life? We were trying to save you from that degenerate you married. He put your father in the hospital you know, he had to have stitches.”

“Boo, fucking, hoo,” you tell her, sweeping your arm across your body, not an inch of which is not marked in some way by that assault of your father. She flinches. You know it’s at the curse coming out of your mouth rather than the repulsion of seeing what her husband did to you.

“I’m sure your father never meant for you to fall down those stairs, he was just trying to get you to see sense. Yes, that’s it. Your father is an upstanding member of the community, I’m sure the police will see that this was an accident. What that Morales man did to him was deliberate. He’s violent, I could always sense it in him. He will go to jail where he belongs and you will come home. One day you will be thankful for what your father did for you tonight.”

You laugh. Actually laugh at her, pain shoots through your ribs but you embrace it. You’re not surprised that she’s still defending that man. You are a little surprised by how delusional she is.

“What’s so funny?”

The last few chuckles trickle out of you before you sigh and tell her. “there are cameras.”

“What?”

“There are cameras in the hallway,” you see her sag as the realisation hits her. “The police will already have seen them. They’ll know what he did wasn’t an accident. If my husband deserves jail for violence, then so does yours.”

“No, no. That’s not right. Your father doesn’t belong in jail.”

“Yes he does.”

She starts rambling and pacing, “no, no, no, not right, not right.”

“Everyone is going to know. Imagine what the neighbours will say. Especially when it comes time for the trial and I have to get on the stand and recount all the abuse I lived though in that house. My medical records will back it up. Everyone is going to know exactly what kind of people you are.”

“Stop it!” she screams at you.

“There is another way,” you offer. She looks at you with hope in her eyes. “You drop the charges against Frankie and I will drop the charges against your husband.” You refuse to acknowledge him as your father any more. You’re done with them both.

She glares at you for a moment. But you have her backed into a corner and you both know it.

“Fine,” she finally relents.

“Good. One of the boys will take you to the station to get everything settled. And then that’s it. We’re done. I don’t ever want to see either of you again.”

She opens her mouth to protest but you cut her off. “I mean it. I’ll get a restraining order if I have to, and I'll make sure all your friends know about it.”

She nods, clearly seething that after all this, they’re still losing the control over you they were so desperate to keep.

Before she can say anything else the boys are filing back into the room. Pope motions for her to leave with a sweep of his arm, “after you.” She marches out of the room without so much as glancing at you. Pope turns back and winks at you, “did so good honey, I’ll be back with Frankie as soon as I can,” and follows her out.

As soon as they’re out of earshot you collapse in on yourself, descending once more into tears as Will holds you this time. The rage is gone, used up and burnt out and all that is left in the ashes is grief and pain.

At some point one of the nurses comes in and gives you more pain relief and the exhaustion finally takes over as you fall into a restless sleep.

///

It’s the beeping and whirring that you register first as you start to come back round. And then it hits you all over again, a tidal wave of despair that threatens to wash you away. But there’s a heavy pressure on your hand keeping you tethered. Your eyes flutter open and you gaze down. Frankie is sleeping, sat in a chair pulled close to your bedside, his head resting on one of his arms on the bed, his other hand gripping yours tightly. Not enough to hurt. Just firm, reassuring.

You heave a sigh of relief that he’s here. His mere presence, even unconscious as he is, is enough to settle you. Your heart swells again, that feeling pushing at the edges of your sorrow. You don’t want to wake him. You’ve put him through hell tonight the least you can do is let him sleep. But you know that the position he’s in is not good for his neck and he’ll be sore in the morning if he stays as he is.

You take a moment to really look at him. You see the evidence of the night on him. His eyes and face are puffy from the tears he’s shed and there are bruises forming in the few places your dad managed to get a retaliatory hit in. You hate seeing him like this. You’re so ashamed that you’ve put him through this. Part of you wonders if he’ll still want you once it’s all calmed down. When he realises his life would have been easier had he picked someone else. You force that feeling down. You know Frankie wouldn’t do that to you. That voice in your head is the latent remnants of your parents teachings that love had to be earned and you always fell wide of the mark, never quite good enough. Frankie had always given his love and affection freely. He’d never treated you like they had, and you knew he wouldn’t start now.

Before you can decide whether you should wake him up, a nurse comes in to check your vitals.

“Is there anything you need?” she asks in a whisper once she’s done.

“Just some water please,” you ask.

“M’I got it,” Frankie mumbles beside you, pushing up off the bed and reaching over to your nightstand to grab a bottle of water and a straw as the nurse retreats once more.

You whimper when he lets go of your hand to get the lid off the bottle.

“I know baby, I know, just be a second,” he placates you, but instead of waiting for his hand to take yours again you reach it up to cup his face as he holds the bottle steady for you to drink from. He turns his head to kiss your palm and you stoke his cheek with your thumb.

He looks at you while you sip your water, eyes roving over your face before finding yours once more. The tears start to drip from his eyes and you break once more, like a piece of pottery, smashed and patched back together, over and over again, getting more fragile with each attempt at repair.

 “I’m so, so sorry Frankie, please forgive me!” you sob, clinging to him as though he may disappear at any moment. He’s your life raft in the storm, you know that if you let go you’ll be dragged to the depths, never to be recovered.

“No, no, no baby, what are you talking about, there’s nothing to forgive,” he tells you, pulling you close and kissing your head. “It’s me who should be apologising. I should have done a better job at protecting you from him. And you shouldn’t have had to go through this alone. I hate myself for that. Please say you forgive me, please!”

You shake your head at his words and pull away enough that you can see his face. You gently cup it with both your hands and make him look at you. He wears his grief all over his face, his emotions out in the open for all to see. You love him for that. For not making you feel like you need to swallow it, for standing with you and validating your heartache.

“There’s nothing to forgive for you either. There was no way you could have known this would happen. The only one to blame is him and I’m glad he got a taste of his own medicine tonight.” You lean in and give him a gentle kiss before wrapping your arms around him and burying your head in his neck.  

“I love you so much Frankie.”

“I love you too.”

You stay like that for a while. Wrapped in each other’s arms and each other’s sadness, weeping on to each other’s shoulders until he feels you start to shift to find relief from your aching body. He lies you back onto your pillows and sits back in his chair. He holds your hand in one of his and brings it to his lips to kiss your knuckles. His other big hand comes to rest gently just below your belly, the place that had until just a few hours ago housed your greatest joy.

The pain feels sharper with him here, more acute. The overall aching brought into focus of a singular agony now that the other distractions of the night had resolved themselves. Your baby is gone. The last time you were in this hospital was only 2 weeks ago, getting your scan. You had left excited and hopeful with a blurry picture of your perfect little miracle. That’s the only picture you would ever get. But you feel stronger with him here too. Better able to carry the burden with him to help you share the load. You feel less despondent, you feel safe. He’s brought with him the memory of light. A flicker, a momentary spark. You feel hopeful that although you are suspended in darkness now, it might not last forever. You will find your way together.

///

“You’re staring Morales,” you playfully scold your husband as he stands leaning against the kitchen doorframe.

“Can’t help it, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“You say that every time,” you laugh.

He walks over and cups your face in his big hand, titling your face so he can press his lips against yours, “and I mean it, every time,” he tells you as he kisses you once more and then crouches down  to press another kiss against your daughters forehead as she huffs and coos round the teat of her bottle.

He looks up at you again, drinking in your smile. He’s catalogued every one since that night. He hadn’t realised how much he loved your smile until it had disappeared. For months after that night the pair of you soldiered on, one foot in front of the other, just trying to make it through each day. Through breakdowns and nightmares and therapy sessions. Battling through the pain and the financial fallout of your hefty medical bills.

And then one day in the fall you’d been out for a little walk when a gust of wind had blown his cap clean off his head. He’d dropped your hand to chase after it only for it to blow in the opposite direction whenever he got close. When he’d turned back after a kindly stranger had taken pity on him and rescued his hat from the ground as it blew past him, there was a little smile on your face, like you had very recently just stopped laughing. And it made his heart sing. He’d rushed back to you, taken your face in both his hands (one of which was still keeping tight hold of his cap) and kissed you deep and sweet.

That smile had saved him. Nourished him and gave him the strength to go on. They came infrequently to start with, the slow return of joy and light to your lives. But any time he saw you smile he took note of what had caused it. It wasn’t always the same thing. Something that made you smile one day wouldn’t draw the same reaction the next. Over time he realised the thing that made you smile the most was him. And if that didn’t just make him drown with pride. When he said something goofy, when he sang to you, when he brought you flowers from the gas station, or picked you up a certain candy bar, just because he knew you loved them, when he told you that he loved you. He cherished every single one. He was quite content to spend the rest of his life making you smile.

And when after almost 6 years, after many conversations and baring of doubts and fears you smiled at him and told him you wanted to try for another baby, his heart was fit to burst. That was his favourite smile of all the ones you’d gifted him.

There’d been a lot of smiling over the next few months. A lot of you moaning his name too. He liked that almost as much as the smiles.

But the pregnancy had been hard. You had both been prepared for it to be. But on the more difficult days he would hold you while you wept or when you woke from nightmares, or when you just couldn’t face the day. He would squeeze you tight, tell you how well you were doing, that he would always be there for you. He’d talk directly to your belly, telling your baby how lucky they were to have a momma as strong and beautiful and kind as you. Most days he could coax at least a small smile from you. And on the days he couldn’t, he’d think back to all the ones he’d filed away in his head and remind himself that the darkness doesn’t last forever.

And then she was here. A perfect kicking, screaming bundle who brought chaos in her wake and he knew the second she was placed in his arms that he’d fight tigers with his bare hands to keep you both safe. It made him hate your father even more for what he’d done. He could never imagine hurting his baby girl the way that man hurt you. He’d kill anyone who tried. He wanted to kill him even more than he had that night. For everything he’d done to you. For everything he’d stolen from you both.

But here you are now, the three of you together. Thriving. In spite of all that man had done.  In spite of all the horrors you’d survived to get here. He’ll make sure you never have to again. And your smile is all the reward he’ll ever need.

///

Translated Lyrics:

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Coraline beautiful as the sun

Warrior with a zealous heart

Hair like red roses

Those precious copper wires, love, bring them to me

If you hear bells singing

You'll see Coraline crying

Who takes the pain of others

And then carries it inside her

Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

But she knows the truth

It's not for everyone to go on

With a heart that's split in two halves

It's cold already

She's a child but she feels like a weight

And sooner or later it will break

And people will say, ah, "It's worth nothing"

She can't even get out of a miserable door

But one day, one time, she will succeed

And I told Coraline that she can grow

Take her things and then leave

But she feels a monster that keeps her in a cage, that

That covers her road with mines

And I told Coraline that she can grow

Take her things and then leave

But Coraline doesn't want to eat, no

Yes, Coraline would like to disappear

And Coraline cries

Coraline is anxious

Coraline wants the sea but she's afraid of the water

And maybe the sea is inside her

And every word is an axe

A cut on the back

Like a raft that sails in a river in flood

And maybe the river is inside her, of her

I'll be the fire and the cold

Shelter in the winter

I'll be what you breathe

I'll understand what's inside you

And I'll be the water to drink

The meaning of good

I'll also be a soldier

Or the light in the evening

And in return I ask for nothing

Just a smile

Every little tear of yours is an ocean on my face

And in return I ask for nothing nothing

Just a little time

I'll be a banner, a shield

Or your silver sword and

And Coraline cries

Coraline is anxious

Coraline wants the sea but she's afraid of the water

And maybe the sea is inside her

And every word is an axe

A cut on her back

Like a raft sailing in a river in flood

And maybe the river is inside her, inside her

And tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Tell me your truths, Coraline, Coraline

Coraline, beautiful as the sun

She lost the fruit of her womb

She hasn't known love

But a father who is nothing like a father

They told her there's a castle in the city

With walls so powerful

That if you go and live inside

Nothing can hit you anymore

Nothing can hit you anymore

///

Tagging some people who showed interest in the WIP and who might be interested, but absolutely no pressure to read, let me know if you want to be removed.

@baronessvonglitter @milla-frenchy @aurorawritestoescape @lamartell @mrs-hardy-hunnam-butler-pascal @thedilfdiaries @evolnoomym

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for complimenting my friend behind her back?

🙎‍♀️

I have 2 friends. We’re all in our 20’s. Mary* and Suzy* are both my friend but have history. I’m close to Mary even though I’ve known Suzy same amount of time, but Suzy and I have recently started to hang out more.

I know both girls aren’t giving me the full drama what happen when I ask. Basically they use to be friends and then Suzy ghosted Mary. Suzy told me they were friends, but Mary started using her as a a punching bag and Suzy let it go on for too long and no longer wanted to be her friend. She didn’t offer repair of their relationship because she thought the friendship had runned its course. What I don’t know is what was Mary doing? Like what are some examples. Mary tells me Suzy just stopped talking to her one day and started hanging out with more “sucessful” people. Suzy has always been an extrovert while Mary likes to stay in more.

Anyway I’ve been hanging out with Suzy a lot. She often accommodates me (drives me, or pays for the Uber) she’ll often buy my meal. Suzy also has a lot of good anxiety advice which I was suprised about and she’s a good listener. It makes me sad that she doesn’t like Mary because I think Mary does need someone like Suzy in her life. I know Suzy has a little more deeper feelings than just “we were done so I just left” because it seems like reconnection is not an option. I just feel like Suzy doesn’t want to paint Mary in a bad light because she knows Mary and I are friends.

I have mentioned reconnection but Suzy always declines. Mary secretly not out right but has expressed she wouldn’t mind reconnecting with Suzy. Shes said “maybe we should all get together sometime.” Shell ask if Suzy talks about her (she doesn’t).

I was able to get them together a few times for a few events. Suzy was very surface level with her just asking her how she is but not getting deep. Mary had actual said a few passive things about herself and Suzy. Suzy wouldn’t respond to the passive aggressive to herself or she would say something postive about Mary when Mary was self deprecating.

At my last event Suzy got drunk and Mary had offered to drive her home since Mary was sober. It was like Mary had genuinely wanted to talk to her alone and maybe clear the air. Suzy declined her offer four times (she was getting an Uber)

After that event Suzy had told me she doesn’t really want to see Mary and I asked her why and she said she just doesn’t like being around her. I tried to pry a little more and Suzy just told me she very much values my friendship but doesn’t want to hangout with Mary.

Mary has actually been mad that Suzy didn’t accept her car ride offer home. Mary was mad that Suzy would rather pay an overpriced cab than spend a 20 minute car ride with her. That I understood. But then Mary started going deeper saying that Suzy isn’t smart with her money and has always been stuck up, that she would rather Suzy be hateful to her face and not behind her back, and that Suzy is just a coward.

I felt bad because I know Mary has unresolved feelings about Suzy, but I realized that Suzy had probably been keeping the peace for me.

My next hang out with Mary she was digging into Suzy’s character saying she drinks too much and partied too much. I told Mary she doesn’t give Suzy enough credit, Suzy is very understanding and kind and generous and that her partying and drinking doesn’t make her a bad person. Mary went quiet.

Mary didn’t talk to me for a week and then apologized. She said Suzy is a sore subject and that me being friends with her is hard because she wishes she could ask me not to be friends with her but won’t because Suzy does make me happy and it seems like Suzy isn’t actively out to ruin our friendship. She doesn’t want to hear about Suzy when we’re together.

I feel bad because it wasn’t until early in my reconnection with Suzy I knew she was a sore spot for Mary. I thought if I got them together they could be friends again, but the more Suzy backs away the more Mary gets angry, and I don’t know whose really justified since they both don’t tell me full stories. But I also feel like I really triggered Mary when I defended Suzy because I had known she felt rough about that rejection and I just didn’t let her vent on it .

[hoonieyun]

hi everyone! i hope you’ve been well, i think it’s time i talk about my absence and where i’ve been. 

as some of you know i was planning to take a hiatus at some point because i was starting to feel the burn out after writing so much back to back for the last 6 or so months. i love writing and i love this community i’ve created with all of you but i will not lie, i’ve started to get exhausted from it. 

although i was planning to go on this hiatus, it wasn’t going to happen as soon as i thought it would. so where have i been? well as most of you know, i’ve been quite open about my relationship since my boyfriend and i became official at the beginning of the year. although our relationship is very early on, we’ve known one another for some time now before dating, we recently came to a roadblock in our relationship in the form of long distance. 

he was offered a job on the east coast and it was too good of an opportunity to turn down. i didn’t feel right knowing that he’d skip out on this opportunity in his career just for the sake of us remaining close to one another in physical distance. 

it was a really tough decision and i’d be lying if i said that it went smoothly. i cried a lot LOL and for the first time in our relationship i wasn’t sure of anything. it even got to the point where we considered breaking up but in the end that just wasn’t a decision neither of us could see. 

i had to put on my big girl pants and just come to terms with the fact that i’m going to be several thousand miles away from my boyfriend. don’t worry, we ‘re still together hehe and thank you to everyone who has shared such kind words whenever i talked about my relationship. 

for the larger portion of my absence, that’s where i’ve been. learning to cope with this sudden loneliness but i also spent most of it with my boyfriend and helping him move. at the beginning of march we moved all of his things from LA to Boston and it took even longer than expected because the movers delivered his things to Delaware for some reason… i was only supposed to be in Boston with him for a week but that turned into two weeks and eventually i ended up staying with him in Boston for all of march. i just didn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone in a new state by himself, especially when his things didn’t even arrive until a few days before i left. maybe i was finding any excuse to stay longer so i wouldn’t be away from him but i’m back in LA now! i really enjoyed Boston and wanted to make sure that i spent as much time as i could with my boyfriend before coming home as i wasn’t sure when the next time i’ll see him will be.

when i got home, i was really sad to have to get used to the loneliness again so i drowned myself in work. work has also been really stressful as our CFO was served papers for a lawsuit and although i can’t say anything specific because of legal reasons, it’s gotten so bad to the point that our company was now getting sued for his mistakes. 

i thought that when i got back home i’d be able to go back into my routine of writing and what not, but i lost motivation as i felt so lonely. i was in a constant slump that i didn’t know how to get out of and if i’m being honest, i don’t fully think i’ve left. i poured a lot of my time recently into my work and reading and taking care of myself as much as i can so that i wouldn’t feel any worse than i already did. 

do not worry!!! i won’t abandon this account nor will i abandon you guys, that wouldn’t be fair to any of you who have shown me so much support and kindness for my work. i’m going to finish my current stories, “do you trust me?” and “is he mr. right?” but i’m not sure when that’ll be. i’ve been doing a lot of reading lately in hopes that it’ll motivate me to write again but i think i’m still finding it. i wanted to write this message so that you guys aren’t all in the dark when it comes to where i have been and why i suddenly disappeared. thank you to the people who have reached out and asked about my whereabouts, don’t worry i wasn’t ignoring you, i just didn’t know how to respond without feeling like i was putting up some facade just to respond. 

i know it seems a bit blah blah to say that i’ve been away because i miss my boyfriend but its so much more than that and i hope you’d all understand. he was a really big support system for me and has helped me grow a lot in the time i’ve known him prior to dating and now. my last relationship before him was 2020 and my ex was truly so rotted and terrible to me i never thought i’d ever get back into a relationship again because of how traumatized i was. but with therapy and the help of my boyfriend who has been so patient and kind, i’m finding it in myself to heal. 

i can’t give you all a date on when i’ll be back but i figured i’d pop in and give you guys a little update on where i’ve been and why i disappeared so abruptly. thank you guys again for all of the support and for understanding why i’ve been gone. it means so much to me that i still receive notifications from all of you who are reading my work even though i’ve been gone for some time and i promise that this isn’t a goodbye but just a ‘see you soon’. 

thank you again and please take care of yourselves!! <3 

[evilgothmisandrist]

“menopause at 16”

This is a very personal post, please be nice. Also sorry if there is anything grammatically wrong, I was crying while writing.

So, since I was little whenever I wanted to get out of a situation, like going to school (because of anxiety or wtv) I faked having stomach aches, most of the times it actually hurt. In primary school I went to a doctor that told me the anxiety gave me actual stomach aches. At 13 I had really bad depression, from then on I didn’t go to school at least twice a week. I told my mom it was bc of my stomach, so she took me to the doctor, and they actually saw something. I’ve always been the fat kid, I went through an eating disorder during my depression.

Turns out that most of my “belly” wasn’t fat, it was a cyst. I had a really big cyst. It was in one of my ovaries, and they had to remove it. (This was when I was 14) I went through a lot of medical procedures and tests and everything. They had to put me an epidural and a lot of anesthesia. They removed the cyst and the ovary, i have a really long vertical scar in my belly now. I spent some time in the hospital, when I came home, since I was through a “I hate my parents” (I still don’t like my father, but I do love my mom) phase I screamed at them and we “fought”, which was very bad for my not completely healed wound. When I first saw myself without the thing that protected my wound, I was really really happy because I had a “perfect flat stomach”, but whatever, I don’t have that eating disorder anymore, I in fact have gained weight.

Well, since I only have one ovary left, my doctor/surgeon told me that she and other doctors had a meeting were they discussed my case, and they decided I had to freeze my ove in case I wanted them in the future, because having one ovary would make it a little difficult for me to have children (this was after I turned 15). I have never wanted children, I always knew that, I didn’t want to do that freezing ove because I knew I wouldn’t want them in the future, in fact I don’t even want to have a partner in the future. But the decision wasn’t mine, I’m a minor and the doctors decided it already. I went through that too, it was something fast and I thought everything was over (except for the check ups of course).

I was wrong.

In one of my recent check ups the doctors noticed something really really small that they didn’t know what it was, but we waited until the next check up to see if it would grow. (this was like november-december 2024) It barely did, it wasn’t even 1cm diameter. My surgeon told me they knew it was another cyst (or maybe a small piece they couldn’t remove in my surgery that time), but it was so tiny they couldn’t remove it, so now I had to be on constant check ups to see if it didn’t grow more. (Since it seemed like it wasn’t growing, im just being checked up constantly to see if it grows) She told me that she didn’t want to try removing it now (or ever if it doesn’t grow) because maybe they would have to remove my other ovary, which they didn’t want to of course, because this would cause me the menopause. I would have the menopause in my teenage years.

(which could happen if it grows more)

She got emotional because she was going through something similar (actually worse), she had something in her brain but she preferred not removing it because it was dangerous so she decided to be under constant observation. At that moment i wasn’t really paying attention to her, yes it was really sad, but I was thinking about how I just wanted all of this to end. I mean, I wanted the tests and things to stop. I actually liked not going to school because I had to go to the hospital and stuff, but it’s tiring too.

I wanted to tell her that I didn’t feel the same as her, I didn’t care about having my ovary removed and going through menopause and taking hormones, I guess I just didn’t care or just… i don’t know.

I kind of forgot about it, I mean, I didn’t care because I got used to this things.

(16 now)

I only started feeling sad about all of this “probable menopause and fucked up uterus” since I had a weird interaction with my brother and mother some days ago.

I was in the kitchen eating with my brother while my mom was doing the dishes, and we were talking/joking about when we grow up, she said she wanted grandchildren. I thought about making a joke about how her bloodline would end w us bc I don’t want to have kids, so before making the joke, I asked him if he wanted to have children when he is an adult (he is younger than me, 12, I know he obviously doesn’t know about his future but it was just for the joke) and I said I obviously didn’t and that I was sure.

He looked at me with the most serious expression, and said “Of course you don’t, because you can’t.” (referring to my current medical situation) with a very serious tone and it was so obvious he wanted to hurt me.

I don’t remember my reaction, i certainly didn’t say anything bad back to him, I do remember that I wanted to cry right there and then. I felt my heart crushing. I then stood up and left everything there and went to my room.

I cried a little then, but since that happened, I cry every time I remember about all of this. I literally am crying right now like a lot.

[day-at-rhodes-island]

Thoughts on closure? (Take this as an excuse to ramble to your hearts content)

You are too kind Hoa.

Unfortunately, despite quite a bit of somewhat recent Closure content, there hasn't been much to say about her that I haven't said already.

It was nice to see her in episodes 10 and 11, but for the most part her characterization is pretty much exactly what we already knew, just presented in a way that doesn't require you to have scoured every bit of lore that mentions her to put it together. This may mean she will be a more major character in later events, which could be fun (I would love an event that went into detail about the lifestyle of a "normal" vampire).

There is one scene in 10-14 before that I did really like though:

Closure: Your work environment is way too... Feist: Impoverished? You can speak your mind, the commander isn't here. Closure: ...Way too much of a challenge. *cough* *cough*... Feist: Miss Closure... Closure: What's up? Feist: D-Did you know, when you talk about being challenged, your eyes seem to... light up? Physically. Closure: Huh? Really? Must be because I'm getting excited... Is it scary? Feist: I-It's fine. Feist: To be honest, it wasn't until I met you that I found out... Uhh, that Sarkaz can do more than just fight. Closure: Oh... Uh, there are a lot of people who aren't fighters, like me. Closure: Naturally, I'm a vampire, so of course I was born with some handy talents. Feist: Huh? Y-You... what is this speed?! It'd take a week for me to do what you did in a single night! Closure: Why do you think the pillars of Rhodes Island are so good? Closure: Take a good look at my eyes. If the Rhodes Island landship was filled with vampires, working at night would be no problem, and we'd cut down big on the electricity bill. Feist: Are there... a lot of vampire engineers? Closure: Of course not! They... They all... Feist: Hey, why'd you start shuddering all of a sudden? Closure: Blame Londinium. It's been a long time since I last felt the fear of being this close to a den of evil. Look, my hands are totally frozen stiff! And I need these hands! Feist: Could it be... that Team 6 ran into...? Closure: I sure hope not. Closure: If so... For real, I need to give you guys a serious warning. Closure: Just in case... I mean, just in case—if you ever run into another vampire, run! Closure: No, it might already be too late by then.

Closure starts bragging about being a vampire, and then immediately has a physical reaction to just thinking about what most vampires are like. It's so good. She also gets to be a little scary (yay!).

I enjoyed this one too:

Closure: Not bad! For an instant back there, I thought I was gonna get my head painted over Londinium's walls! Amiya: It was Misery's Arts. He wouldn't see us hurt. Misery: Right... Kal'tsit told me your brain was an important asset to Rhodes Island. Closure: My hands don't come cheap either, c'mon! Closure: After that, I'm never asking to hitchhike with you again... Blaze carrying me everywhere is a way smoother ride than your Arts!

Blaze Express enjoyer Ada Church. Also, unless I've forgotten something, this is about as close as we get to Kal and Closure interacting during both episodes, which brings me to my next point:

I didn't like the treatment she got in the last scene of episode 11. They both: didn't really give her a reaction to Kal'tsit doing that and didn't make her punch out those mooks. Like, maybe she knew Kal would be okay, but it's weird Shining gets a reaction, while the person specifically stated to care about Kal'tsit in Kal'tsit's files doesn't, right? They were doing so well and they dropped the ball right at the end! Make Closure do a violence and feel sad about it!!

Oh, and I very much enjoyed Weedy's oprec, in which we learn that she smells of machine oil.

[kitsunesflames]

Just a thought that won’t leave my head. Just a few years ago I was this teen.

This teen had a small service part-time job where I had to stand for four to five hours. I didn’t know what breaks were.

Every two weeks I’d get this check for $84. $98 if I was lucky and got to work a Sunday morning.

And I’d be so excited every time that check was handed to me. I’d be smiling for the rest of that day.

I would just wiped down tables, roll silverware, and seat people. That was my job parameters at least in the beginning.

I was so happy with each little check I got, smiling when I got home late even if my service dog in training at the time made a mess for me to clean up when the sun was down.

I started to sweep the restaurant, take out the trash, sort the silverware out and if I found rolled silverware that wasn’t clean enough to me I’d reroll the entire set and send back the dirty ones. I’d take drink orders for waitresses having a bad day or just needed a little help that day. I’d write down orders for them occasionally too.

I’d talk to customers and keep them happy and entertained while they were waiting to check out. I’d engage with them so they wouldn’t get mad that their waitress wasn’t immediately there to take their bill.

I got tipped once for just talking to a costumer while her waitress was calming down from a huge rush. I didn’t understand tipping very well then. Still don’t. This lovely woman put a twenty dollar bill into my hands. She was from England visiting family for the holidays. I lived all the stories each costumer was willing to tell me.

When the costumer left I tried to give that tip to the waitress in charge of the costumers table. I didn’t understand how that money was meant for me. My job was to sit people, clean tables off, and roll silverware after all. Nothing to be tipped over.

That waitress, she grabbed my hands and had me cover the bill, and slide it into my pockets. I think I understand now today why she did that. The only thing she said to me, “This money is meant for you hon. Just don’t tell no one that you were given it.” I didn’t understand why she didn’t take the cash that I was convinced was meant for her, and I didn’t understand why she seemed so sad when I tried to refuse that twenty.

I had a seizure three months into the job while on the clock. My shift was ten minutes from ending. It wasn’t even a gran mal, and no costumers saw me seize. My mother got me and took me home early. I was said that I didn’t get to finish my shift. I’d been recently diagnosed, I guess you could say I was still in denial. That was my last shift at that job.

I wasn’t fired. I didn’t quit. I had a single on site mioclonic seizure at the end of my shift and I was no longer being called in. I asked too when my next shift was. My uncle worked at that same place, he came to me one night and handed me a check for $64 dollars.

I was frustrated. I wanted to go back to work. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go back to sitting people and rolling silverware. I wanted to small at my bi weekly check that wasn’t much.

I miss those checks. I miss having a job. I tried two years after that to apply for another job. It was smooth sailing until the in person interview. My service dog was working and by my side 24/7 at that point. The in person interview didn’t last five minutes.

I miss the routine, I miss my busy work, I miss my small conversations, and I miss my tiny checks that said, “You got paid! You did work and you have the proof!”

I don’t smile as much anymore. I can’t drive. My work experience is that one job that I loved too much.

But I don’t know how I’d even start to get that little happiness back. I miss it. I have part time online college classes, but a good grade isn’t the same as a check, even a tiny one. I have a 4.0, and that doesn’t make me smile. But a check that was $84 had me smiling for days.

[stabosins4]

dont know if you expected anyone to do all of these dont know if anyones gonna read these here we go

1. difficult to say. I'm very distant but stil in contact with my mom, I appreciate she's trying to improve but until she's willing to admit she hurt me we'll never be close. I'm very close with my dad, but I don't feel safe around him and feel he's been mislead by his therapists and doctors into thinking his behavior is not his choice.

2. My dad! I say it every time I end a conversation with anyone!

3. Yeah. I think if you don't regret things you haven't done anything at all.

4. No. I realized at a point that being insecure was annoying for everyone around me, so I stopped. I like to say I "hated myself into loving myself".

5. Not in a romantic relationship, never will be in one. But I've recently been thinking about my best friend (if you follow me, you'll knpw her as The Lesbian) as a dan-and-phil-like platonic soulmate, semi-QPR.

6. I accepted at some point I'm going to die of suicide, but not in a way where I'm planning for it to happen soon. If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die by my own hands, I guess.

7. Leftover tacos

8. I used to play soccer when I was really little, I also did cross country, but the asthma + fainting disorder sorta got activated by covid and I'm probably never gonna be much of an athlete. I do do musical theater tho! And that is one HELL of a work out!

9. Yes, habitually. When I was super little I couldn't use soap when I washed my hands because it would get in the wounds from where I bit and burn so bad.

10. I don't think I will ever be in a physical fight. I'm very weak and cowardly. I know better.

11. No.

12. Probably, but I can't remember a specific event.

13. I was in a cult for 3 years. Yeah. There's someone I hate.

14. I was in a cult for 3 years. Yeah. There's someone I miss.

15. Yep! 2 dogs, Chewey and Harley, and a cat, who we just call The Kitten (she was initially named after an anime character, and everyone immediately forgot her name)

16. Inexplicably sad.

17. No.

18. Horribly terrifed. This is funny because my bestie loves spiders.

19. I don't think I would. There's a lot of good in my life that wouldn't be the same if I had a happier childhood.

20. My bedroom, several years ago.

21. Clean up where the dog pissed on the floor again, maybe sweep up around the pianos. Mostly just relax.

22. I hope to be a foster parent someday. I was in foster care for a very short period of time and I want to be able to make scary things like that less scary for kids like me.

23. Just the two regular earlobe piercings. Mom pierced them when I was just baby. I rarely wear earrings, tho.

24. English. Everyone always thinks its art, but I hate being told what to make with my art, I'd rather just draw for fun. English is easy when you're traumatized.

25. You already asked this question. Yeah, I miss a lot of people from my past.

26. Coffee ice cream, all the time, always. Actually coffee generally. I'm gonna get some coffee after this.

27. Not as far as I'm aware.

28. No.

29. Not as far as I'm aware.

30. I'm stressed about preparing for college, and my therapist's on vacation but her message isn't clear on if she'll be back for our session next week.

31. Lots of people love me.

32. Probably indigo, like, a dark indigo, maybe leaning a little more blue than purple.

33. Sort of. I struggle to believe that people aren't talking about me behind my back.

34. Balatro, the video game.... im playing too much.

35. My therapist, yesterday.

36. Depends. I certainly give second chances when it's clearly just someone's mental health doing poorly and they want to get better, otherwise no.

37. Forget. I have almost no function long term memory lol

38. God, no. Yes, but god no. It feels like the whole world is against me (as a disabled queer transmasc agender person) but personally I'm doing the best I've ever been mentally, I have great friends, I'm going to college, and I'm creatively fufilled.

39. 12 I think?

40. Nope.

Skipped some, cool :)

51. Chef Boyardee Cheese Ravioli. Yeah, I'm diagnosed.

52: No. Things just happen, we just have to get through it, the end.

53. Prayed

54. No. But I don't believe in like "emotional" cheating like just cause you're attracted to someone that isnt cheating, you can't control attraction.

55. Yeah

56. Zero

57. I'm aromantic, not really. Is there platonic true love? I might believe in that.

58. Rain, but not thundering

59. I like looking at snow, I hate the cold tho

60. Only for tax purposes

61. No

62. My friends, my art, youtubers i love, my family, the stupid things my best friend says, when my loved ones infodump to me, my stuffed animals, protests, cheez-its, chocolate frosting, peanut butter cream pie, my brother's face when I give him the reeses cup off my piece of the peanut butter cream pie because i dont like the texture, old queer couples, soft blankets, my cool forest green t-shirts, newly-out trans people, the color orange, my torah, my pac-man earrings, my old kandi, brightly colored hair, hearing moms in public ask their babies to say things, being able to bring up things i learned in school, remembering rednote, remembering the dream smp, making lesbian couples in the sims 4, the new sims 4 pack!, my mom's crochet, the dinosaur banner hanging above the hallway, my old sketchbooks, my brother's weird taste in tiktoks, old minecraft youtubers, my best friend, my best friend's friends, that old minecraft server my best friend hosted, the narcissist cookbook, my guitar, the music I've written, my dad playing piano, elton john, billie joel, cloudy days, my squishmallows, coffee, baths, my dad and me doing weird reoccurring bits, pukicho, gaud, creaturesinposts, stimming, my hairy legs, my cat, my older brother, my eldest sibling, my inhaler, being off meds that made me emotionless, crying, living, breathing, existing. Existing makes me happy.

63. Already have four times, what's one more?

64. Very hard. Impossible. I couldn't even be in the same room as them.

65. Girl, we already broke up the one time, and you a lesbian, what's wrong with you? go to therapy. /j

66. Yeah, The Lesbian.

67. The Lesbian

68. I don't totally know what "deep conversation" entails, but it was probably The Lesbian.

69. Yeah, platonically.

70. The Lesbian, my dad, my younger brother.

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[photophlower]

as·sump·tion

noun

plural noun: assumptions

1. 
a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

examples:

“they made inaccurate assumptions about her intentions even though they’d know her for almost 3 years."

“one of her best friends made an assumption that she didn’t care about her grief when in reality, it had just been a long week.”

“Gabriella made assumptions based off a series of lies someone who she thought she could trust facilitated and ended up facing the consequences.”

ever since i was a kid, i’ve always felt like i didn’t belong.

i know that sounds corny and unoriginal but it’s true. i’ve dealt with people misunderstanding me my whole life so you’d think i’d be used to it. and of course as a person who is neurodivergent my solution was to over explain myself. which only made people understand me even less.

1. “you talk a lot…”

2. “do you ever shut up?”

3. “you’re very combative.”

4. “why do you always ask so many questions?”

1. i know, apparently i started talking around 4 or 5 months old and just never stopped.

2. occasionally, when im extremely shocked, ridiculously sad or if im just enraged (not good)

3. i don’t try to be, maybe it’s my tone (due to the years of having to defend myself from the constant criticism and mischaracterization)

4. here’s a question for that question, when did it become a crime to ask questions ?

recent events have put a lot of things into perspective for me, and the fact of the matter is:

i’m sick and fucking tired of explaining myself.

whoops, been tryna cut back on my swearing but honestly sometimes it’s just necessary.

anyway like i said, i’m sick of it. i didn’t realize how mentally exhausted and drained i was until LITERALLY today, right now, 4:21am. when the tears keep rolling down my cheeks and my aching fingers cradle my mouth and nose as i try to stifle my cry’s so i don’t wake my relatives in the rooms across the hall and next to me.

honestly i just feel defeated. sometimes its like i cant do anything right, and while im busy being bad at everything time just slips away.

i miss my childhood (the good parts of it)

i miss my best friend from middle school who doesn’t talk to me anymore.

i miss the way the pillowcase that my grandma made for me by hand felt against my skin.

i miss my cats. (they’re fine just not with me)

i miss my toy poddle Knotlyn.

i miss the way i always used to notice the sounds of the birds chirping outside.

i miss the way sun-dried fabrics smelled when my grandma would bring them inside from off the clothesline.

i miss not knowing all the different ways anxiety can manifest as physical illness or pain.

i miss wired headphones!

i miss that slightly painful feeling you get in your core from laughing a little too much.

i miss not knowing what it feels like to cry so much that the corner of your eye burns from constantly wiping and trying to hide tears.

i miss drinking from the hose outside.

i miss not know what a trauma response is, and how many of them i have.

and lastly, i miss the times when it didn’t feel like all i do is fight for my goddamn life everyday.

when i didn’t feel the need to people please so much that it became second nature. i really questioning who i am without the masking, the people pleasing, and emotional breakdowns that leave me with nothing but shattered pieces of myself i keep cutting my fingers on while i try to put them back together or force them to fit.

but you know what the saddest part is ?

i don’t even know if there were ever times like that.

so how about this, let’s start now.

I am as you see, either you get it or you don’t.

and those who don’t get it can FUCK OFF.

understanding me isn’t hard if you just stop assuming the worst to begin with.

[ray0079]

Reopened wounds (Talespin)

It was a crisp Autumn morning in Cape Suzette as the sun began to rise over the cliffs and dense fog covered the harbor as waves gently lapped against the shore, a dock with a sign above reading Higher for Hire can be seen with a yellow sea plane moored alongside it, in the distance a building with a lookout tower can be seen and inside a brown bear cub was beginning to stir from his slumber.

Kit awoke with a yawn as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he hadn't been sleeping well as he suffered from terrible night terrors from his times on the streets and as an air pirate, they plagued him almost nightly but no matter how bad they were he held back his screams as well as his tears to keep Baloo from worrying, 3 months had passed since he had met Baloo and stopped the air pirate raid on Cape Suzette, since then they had gone on many adventures together thwarting evil schemes, fighting the air pirates, hunting for lost treasure, all in the span of a few months. However he still felt like a burden to the bear even though he made him his navigator. Kit stretched before getting off the bed and changing into his usual old beat up green sweater before grabbing the blue and red cap Baloo had given to him before heading downstairs.

The moment he closed the door he heard the usual sounds of Rebecca's yelling at Baloo for being lazy as she did almost everyday, though she was usually justified in doing so.

Rebecca-Baloo! Get your rear in gear and help me clean this place up this instant!

Baloo-relax Becky, don't go blowin' a gasket over a little clutter.

Rebecca-a little clutter? This place is a mess! Even Kit is more responsible then you.

Kit was already down the stairs before the two noticed him.

Rebecca-good morning Kit.

Kit-morning Ms. Cunningham, morning Baloo.

Baloo-heya little britches, ya sleep well?

Kit-yeah, I'm ok, I gotta get ready for school, we're having a math test today.

Baloo-math, just a bunch of numbers that don't make a lick of sense.

Rebecca-that's probably why your business went under and you almost lost your plane.

Kit looked up at the clock seeing it was already 7:35.

Kit-aw man, I'm going to be late!

he immediately began scrambling to gather his books and lunch before heading out the door and waving to Rebecca and Baloo. He ran as fast as he could trying to beat all the traffic lights before he finally arrived just before the morning bell had rung, Kit took his seat next to his best friend Ernie before the teacher a very professional looking lion walked in and started handing out the test papers, Ernie then leaned over to whisper to Kit.

Ernie-hey, did ya study for the test?

Kit-of course I did.

Ernie-I didn't, ya mind if I copy off you a little?

Kit-no way, I don't want to get in trouble.

the two then stopped before the teacher walked by handing them their papers. Later at lunch his friends talked about what they were doing with their families for the Halloween season, as Kit listened he began to remember his time at the orphanage and how he would watch the other kids with their parents trick-or-treating and having fun while him and the other orphans were kept behind barred windows and cold brick and plaster walls, Kit was broken out of his thoughts by Ernie telling him some news that had been spreading around the school recently.

Ernie-hey Kit, did ya hear?

Kit-no, hear what?

Ernie-you know our gym coach?

Kit-Mr. Manning? What about him?

Ernie-I heard he adopted a kid last month.

Kit-really?

Ernie-yeah and he's in the same grade as us, see that's him over there.

Kit looked to where Ernie was pointing to see a white polar bear cub eating lunch all by himself, Kit looked at him with sadness in his eyes as he remembered that he was once like that too, his first 2 weeks of school he kept mostly to himself and was usually seen by the other kids as a loner until he met Ernie and the others.

Kit got up from the table and walked over to the lone cub before introducing himself.

Kit-hey there!

Cub-huh? Oh uh, h-hello.

Kit-can I sit?

Cub-oh, y-yeah sure.

Kit-heard your the new kid, so I just wanted to introduce myself, my name's Kit, Kit Cloudkicker, what's yours?

Cub-J-James, James Manning.

Kit-your coach Manning's son right?

James-yeah, but I just call him Mr. Manning.

Kit-why?

James-I've been adopted and returned 2 times, that's why.

Kit-that's horrible!

James-your lucky that you still have your parents, I've seen you with that big grey bear and that lady.

Kit-Baloo and Rebecca aren't my folks I'm an orphan too.

James-r-really? Sorry.

Kit-it's alright.

Their conversation is cut short when James' adopted father Mr. Manning walked in, his large frame recognizable to those who knew him as well as his bushy beard and large muscular arms, he made his way over to the table where James and Kit were sitting before placing his hand on his son's head and ruffling his hair playfully.

Mr. Manning-hey there sport! Glad ta see your makin' friends!

James giggles a bit at the large bear's affectionate touch before replying.

James-y-yeah, me too.

Mr. Manning looks at Kit with a smile before taking a seat next to James.

Mr. Manning-you picked a good kid to be friends with, Kit's a very honest and trustworthy boy.

Kit's face turns red with embarrassment at hearing his teacher complimenting him as he wasn't used to such praise.

James-hey Mr. Manning did you know Kit is an orphan too?

Mr. Manning's eyes widened a bit in surprise as he had not known, he always assumed that the big grey bear he hung around with was his father and the two female bears to be his mother and little sister.

Mr. Manning-no, I had no idea, I don't wanna pry but do ya remember yer folks.

Kit-no, I was too young to remember them.

Mr. Manning-that's a shame, I thought after the great war was over stuff like this wouldn't be a problem anymore.

Kit-it's ok though, I've got Baloo and Ms. Cunningham looking after me.

Mr. Manning-that's good, I'm glad to hear your being well taken care of.

The bell then rings signaling the end of the lunch period. The three of them leave before heading to class, James looks up at his adoptive father smiling before pulling his white tank top to get his attention.

Mr. Manning-hmm? What is it bud? Something wrong?

He kneels down before James jumps into his large arms and hugs him tightly.

James-I love you . . . Dad.

Mr. Manning hugs his son close as a single tear falls from his eye.

Mr. Manning-I love you too . . . Son.

Kit who had seen the two's exchange smiled before heading back to class.

As the school day ended, Kit had already left and was back home before setting down his books and plopping down on his bed, Baloo having already left and most likely at Louie's and Rebecca to pick up molly from kindergarten and Wildcat who knows where, leaving him to his own devices. Kit was fine being on his own as he had grown accustomed to it since he escaped the orphanage, he laid back on his bed thinking about James and coach Manning feeling a bit jealous of the polar bear cub and his adopted dad as when he was younger would wish that a family would have adopted him and taken him far away from the orphanage, but whenever a couple would come to pick out a kid, he would always be too afraid due to the abuse he suffered at the hands of the adults running the orphanage.

Kit looked up at the ceiling before dozing off, leading him back into memories he wished he could forget. He suddenly found himself back in the orphanage in the room he shared with another kid at the time, he sat on his bed clutching his knees to his chest before the door to the room slowly opened and a hand grabbed his arm tightly before it pulled him out and down the hallway to a closet which made him start to panic and pleading.

Kit-no!, please I'll be good! Don't put me in there again, please!

The door to the closet began to open revealing nothing but darkness inside.

Kit-no! Stop, I don't wanna go in there! It's dark!

His pleas went unanswered as he was violently tossed inside before the door was quickly slammed shut leaving him in nothing but pitch black, he banged against the door desperately, pleading for someone to save him.

Kit-let me out! Please someone let me out! Help!

Kit was shaken awake from his dream by Baloo who had just gotten back from Louie's and could hear him screaming from downstairs.

Baloo-Kit!, Kit!, wake up little britches!

Kit's eyes flew open frantically looking around the room before realizing he was back in the real world. Baloo looked at him with a worried expression on his face before Kit burst into tears. Baloo held the small cub tightly as he sobbed into his chest.

Baloo-I'm right here Kit, it's ok, papa bear's gotcha.

Baloo rubs his hand soothingly up and down Kit's back until the cubs sobs to slowly subside.

Baloo-Kit? You ok now?

Kit-yeah, I'm ok.

Baloo-do ya wanna tell me what that was all about?

Kit quickly shook his head, he didn't want Baloo to know about his dream, he hated hiding things from his papa bear but his street instincts told him that he still couldn't fully trust him.

Baloo-c'mon little britches, you can tell ol'Baloo.

Kit-sorry papa bear, but I can't.

Kit then hops off the bed before heading downstairs leaving Baloo with a hurt expression on his face, him and Kit shared everything with each other so he wondered why this was any different, he wanted to know what was going on in his head but didn't want to force it as he believed it would push him further away so he just left it at that believing he would tell him in his own time.

As it made his way downstairs, Rebecca walked through the door before molly came running through excitedly.

Molly-Kit!

the little 6 year old ran over almost tackling him as she greeted him.

Rebecca-Molly Cunningham, you know it's not polite to jump on people.

Molly-yes mommy.

Kit-it's ok Ms. Cunningham.

Baloo was already coming out of the upstairs room before seeing the little pig tailed cub.

Baloo-heya muffin, how are ya?

Molly-Baloo!

Baloo descended the stairs before ruffling Molly's hair making the little girl giggle happily, he then walked over to Rebecca before taking her and gently pulling her aside earning a questionable look from the bearess.

Rebecca-Baloo? What are you-?

Baloo-I gotta talk ta ya Becky . . . It's about Kit.

Rebecca-Kit? Why? What happened?

Baloo-I can't tell ya right here.

He then looks over his shoulder at the two cubs hoping Rebecca understands his message.

Rebecca-Molly honey, why don't you go take Kit and go play outside for awhile, Mommy and Baloo have to discuss something.

Molly-ok! C'mon Kit! Lets play Danger Woman!

Molly takes hold of Kit's hand and runs out the door with him close behind before Rebecca closes the door, she then walks back over to her desk before her and Baloo sit down.

Rebecca-what's this all about Baloo?

Baloo rubs the back of his neck before he begins to explain.

Baloo-well just before ya got back I had come back from Louie's

Rebecca-it figures.

Baloo-hey, can't blame me for wantin' ta have a good time every now and then.

Rebecca-it's all the time with you.

Baloo-w-well anyhoo, I had just gotten back when I heard Kit screamin' and hollerin' at the top of his lungs, I ran up ta see what was wrong and saw he was asleep but it seemed like he was scared somethin' fierce, I woke him up immediately, poor kid was so terrified he started cryin'.

Rebecca-goodness! it must have been a really bad nightmare, Molly has had a few, but this sounds like something more serious.

Baloo-yer tellin' me boss lady, poor kids ticker was racin' a mile a minute, almost looked like he'd seen a ghost.

Rebecca-did you ask him what it was about?

Baloo-course I did, but he wouldn't say, it hurts me Becky, it hurts knowin' that my own navigator doesn't trust me.

Rebecca-oh Baloo, Kit just needs time, he's been through heaven knows what before coming to work here.

Baloo-I know, still I wanna know what's goin' on inside that head of his, then maybe he'll be able to trust me a little more.

Rebecca-like I said Baloo, give him time.

Baloo-alright Becky.

Kit was outside playing with Molly when Baloo and Rebecca told them they could come inside, Kit enjoyed playing with Molly but right now was glad he didn't have to, the two cubs bound inside before a little while later Rebecca and Molly had to leave to go home leaving him and Baloo by themselves, the two sat and had dinner before heading upstairs for bed as they usually did, as they dressed in their night clothes Baloo looked over his shoulder at the little cub, in the back of his mind he wondered what parts of Kit's past he still didn't know about, the parts he did know was that he was an orphan and that he had been picked up by Don Karnage and became an air pirate, the rest is just a blank before all of that, he never asked where the boy came from or where he was born he was just a mystery.

The two bears began to settle in for the night before falling asleep, Kit putting on his earmuffs to drown out Baloo's chainsaw-like snoring, as Kit drifted off to sleep another nightmare began to take hold of him.

In the dream he was running, he was running away from something or someone he ran as fast as his legs could carry him, as he ran he could see a figure in the distance as he got closer he could see Baloo standing there smiling and waving at him as he usually did, Kit smiled back before a hand came out of nowhere and grabbed his left arm, he looked back to see who it was before seeing a face he was very familiar with, it was Mr. Witherspoon, a child services agent who would always thwart Kit's escapes and have him sent back to the orphanage, Kit was frozen in terror at seeing Witherspoon's gaze upon him, before he began to speak.

Witherspoon-did you really think that you could escape from me boy?

Kit tried with all his might to get out of his grip before looking over at Baloo who was still smiling and waving at him as he begged him to save him.

Kit-Baloo help! Don't let him take me!

Witherspoon-quiet you! Now come along with me.

As he began walking Kit continued trying to do whatever he could to get away, Baloo still just stood there smiling and waving unresponsive to Kit's pleas as Kit was dragged further and further away, Witherspoon then spoke once more.

Witherspoon-here we are home sweet home.

Kit saw the front entrance to the orphanage materialize from nowhere before the front doors began to slowly creak open revealing nothing but a black void, this made Kit panic even more, screaming for Baloo or anyone he could think of to help him, Witherspoon then dragged him up the steps before heading through the doors before they slowly began to close, with tears in his eyes Kit reached out towards Baloo.

Kit-Baloo help! I don't wanna go back! Baloo! Baloooooo!

The doors then shut plunging his vision into darkness.

Baloo was sleeping peacefully when suddenly a shrill cry pierced the calmness of the room causing the bear to immediately jump and fall from his bed before getting to his feet and seeing the cry was coming from Kit who was flailing and kicking as he continued to scream calling out for him in his sleep.

Kit-Baloo! Baloo help! I don't wanna go back! Please don't let them take me back!

Baloo tried to wake him up but as Kit flailed one of his arms hit him in the face before Baloo was able to pin him and shake him awake as he did earlier.

Baloo-Kit?! Kit!, little britches open yer eyes! It's me, it's papa bear! Wake up!

As if hearing him Kit's eyes snap open before looking around and seeing Baloo only a few inches from his face.

Kit-Baloo?

Baloo was relieved to see Kit was alright before enveloping him in a hug which caused kit to start crying into his shoulder, Baloo held the little cub close to him and letting him calm down a bit before asking him about his nightmare.

Baloo-Kit? Can ya please tell me, what's been goin' on with you?

Kit shook his head letting out a few sniffles as he did.

Baloo-C'mon, we're partners aren't we? Ya can tell me anythin' ya know ol' Baloo's here to help.

Kit once again shook his head which caused Baloo's voice to begin cracking as the bear was on the verge of tears at the fact Kit still didn't trust him.

Baloo-Kit, please . . . Just tell me, I wanna help ya get through this, I-I want ya ta get better but . . . Hic . . . But ya have ta trust me, I want ya ta trust me . . . Hic . . . Cause I-I . . . Love ya Kit.

Kit was surprised to hear Baloo crying as the only time he heard him cry was when he broke his father's near one of a kind record, but this sounded different to him, he looked up and could see tears streaming down Baloo's face as he looked back at him.

Kit-y-you . . . love me? r-really?

Baloo-course I do, I've never wanted ta admit it but I've loved ya since the day ya hopped in the sea duck an' started talkin' about planes.

Kit stared into Baloo's eyes seeing how loving and sincere they were before a new flow of fresh tears began to fall from Kit's face.

Kit-ok . . . ok, (hic) I'll tell you.

Baloo was happy to hear that he had finally gotten Kit to open up to him as more tears flowed down his face, he quickly wiped them away before setting Kit down on the bed and allowing him to get comfortable before listening to what he had to say.

Baloo-go ahead little britches, tell me what's been botherin' ya, I'm all ears.

Kit-ok.

Kit mentally prepares himself before beginning to tell Baloo of his horrific past.

[quintential]

dialogue with the self

FIX YOURSELF

I'm tired of listening to myself talk. so, I'm going to do this new thing where I talk and my computer makes it into written words. this takes up less space on my computer, and maybe will give me a new outlook on what I write.

 I keep a record of a lot of things. mainly, how I'm doing in any given situation. I like to keep a journal of my brain, in a way, and this manifests in many many videos of myself, and diary entries, in a myriad of places both digital and on paper. but what's the point?

 let me preface this by giving you a view into my life at the moment. I have reached a period of stagnation. I feel sad, and depressed. I have very little motivation to do anything at all, I feel melancholic, generally unattached to the world.

 all I want to do is curl into myself. I live in the most beautiful place in the world, San francisco, and I'm still sad.

 this is a very upsetting discovery to make. no matter where I go, I can feel sad anywhere. I sustain off the natural high of being in a new place, using the anxiety to propel me and move me forward. once it rubs off, I'm left with my own thoughts.

 yesterday, december 5th, I found myself feeling entirely stupidly bored. I recognize that there are things I would like to change in my life. I've recently quit cigarettes, about a week ago. this is good, but I've had a cold since I've quit and have not noticed the difference in my lung capacity yet- probably because I'm still smoking copious amounts of marijuana. I've been getting sick at least once a month this whole year, pretty much. I'm forced to sit down and be with my body, and recognize that it's trying to tell me something.

 so what do I need to change? well, I realized that I am incredibly addicted to and dependent on weed. I smoke weed, or adjust it in some kind of way every single day. the weed supports one of my other biggest bad habits, which is overeating. they go hand in hand. the loss of self-control that weed brings  pacifies my self-hatred and allows me to indulge in one of my favorite coping mechanisms, which is eating until I cannot move. The judgment rod is spared until later, the shame i will not have to confront until i wake up and look at my stomach in the mirror the next morning. I always look at my stomach in the morning.

 I also need more friends.  I do not thrive in my comfort zone.  to grow, actually- to function at all- I must be out of my comfort zone. because my comfort zone is what I'm doing right now. it's being alone, in my room, and my bed, depressed, eating, and watching nonsensical things to keep my brain from thinking too hard.

 I know what I need. at this point of my life I have watched myself go through a cycle, this pattern so many times that I feel pretty aware of what's going on inside of me. I know what to fix, I know what's holding me back, but at the same time I am so incredibly blind. Because even though I know what I need to do, I do not want to change. being high feels so good. being alone feels so safe. but I have my longings.  if I try to actualize my longings, it will be good for me, but it will also lead to exhaustion and inevitable hurt. I don't feel very resilient.

 I don't really have much else to say. I think I've talked myself into circles. I'm done. 

Why is the sad so there? why does life feel so heavy? what am I doing wrong? I know you're supposed to just keep getting hurt, and get up again, and hurt others, and get up again, and keep getting hurt, and get up again

 when will it end? Am i suicidal?  do I mumble? I want to join a cult.  I want to be safe. I've tried to quit weed before and I’ve failed. I know it's more complicated than this, but it feels like it's already too late for me. talking about this makes me want to run away. makes me want to book a ticket to india, travel anywhere really, try and forget. but I can't do that. I have to stay here. I don't get to always run away. be better. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes. It’s ok to rest. I think.

[aamethyst000]

i didn't realize exacctly how slow my progress will be (july 9,24 - 10:56pm)

holy fuck i did not realize how slow my progress in life will be! it feels so weird to be 26. like, not only the progress of my name and gender change, im talking about my progress in life! the changes im gonna have, the hardships ill probably cry to. i thought teenage life was hard, no siree. the adult life is difficult. once the adults before you leave you alone to be independent and strong and whatnot, they all end up telling you how wrong you are and how you're living life wrong. one side is trying to control how you live, the other wants you to be dependant and independent and some how balance that out on your own. anyway, getting off track here. today i woke up feeling lazy but also feeling pretty good about myself! i actually wanted to clean the house and do the dishes without complaint! which is a rare thing for me since teenage hood. it can get pretty bad on most days. my little brother and i did the dishes today and a little bit of sweeping. i am planning on doing the rest of the house chores tomorrow and start on the towels that were supposed to be done last week. which kind of sucks that it is only me doing the laundry, but what the hell can i do when we got my mothers' brother staying and only doing his own laundry, a 17 who is overly cranky, yknow, normal teenager bs, hes gotta do his own laundry whether he likes it or not. and a mother whose arthiritis hurts her enire body and really bad insomnia. 10 year old me would be very surprised of where i am at right now and 14 year old me would be very confused.

july 11,24 - 11:16pm - just got through washing the dishes and cleaned up a bit in the living room. finally and now i have time to clean up my room and start washing the towels, we desparately need clean towels considering how hot the weather will be this week. you know the funny thing about this? i have stopped taking my anti depressants for nearly a month now! i think i only need to take them during the winter. they seem to work better by then, which is weird to me. anyway, now that i have more trans tapes, im going to wash the towels tomorrow and have a bath by the next day. my poor room has been a mess for too long now and it has been bugging me for a couple of days. doing this will help me feel better about buying myself a new 3ds and cases for it, being more prepared about taking care of it than i did the first time around. i ended up buying another black 3ds, kinda thought i wanted a white one but i ended up changing my mind part way through the search of the new 3ds. i found one for somewhat cheap that came up to 195 plus 10 shipping which was fckn awesome! i so cant wait till they arrive now. though they wont be here till the first week of next month. i know ill be impatient about it but that is not new at all lmao im impatient with every perchase i make, i just gotta keep myself distracted till the items get here.

july 18,24 3:43am - i am planning on rearranging my room to open up the air vent in my room. since i bought the 3ds, i feel like i need to ''earn''' when it finally arrives here, but i am hoping to god that it works for me or id cry. well, not really, i'd be sad about it but wouldnt do nothing about it until i have enough money to save again to buy another 3ds. hopefully it wont come to that at any point for me. anyway, as im typing this out, i am wathcing chuggaconnroy's lets play of kirby 3ds. i heard about his recent..situation, not happy to hear it and not sure how to feel, not entirely anyway. not gonna lie, it kind of sucks and nearly ruined my day. im better now, i heard about this a week ago, so im fine. i think. i havent been able to go to sleep at a reasonable time lately and it sucks. some nights i dont go to sleep until it is literally gets really bright outside (5am or 7am), i did not think id be slowly devolping insomnia at the age of 26. though, i shouldnt be too surprised considering the fact that my whole ass family has it and possibly autism or adhd. not gonna lie, my whole family is a mess. but they are my mess, i guess. you ever feel that way? they are not the best, toxic in their own way (the older ones, not my cousins), when it some down to it, they are there for you (until they sabotage that closeness during any death) they seem to have continued the generational trauma. i hope my cousins are doing alright, some if them have a kid or two, others are single or childless, but they all have a decent job that helps them keep their apartment. so, i hope they are doing well.

by this point, i have one more journal entry to edit and double check on, and a set of papers to look for in my room. i was supposed to mail it back to the place i was getting my legal (now dead)name to my current one, it is coming up to a year so that it is my own fault on that one, considering that all i needed to do was give them the signed papers that i have right now. well, i can do that now and be a bloody adult about it instead of putting it off for tomorrow, every single day. is it weird to still feel like a teenager (16-7) at the age of 26? should i go to therapy for this? is this normal or should i be worried? does every other adult feel like this? and not just me and my friends possibly being delusional or just dramatic about it. either way, i am not entirely sure if ill find the answer or if itll be given to me. i am going to have a puff and then head to bed, it is already very late so im gonna have a puff and enjoy whatever sleep i can get. good night/day, readers!

[livinlavidavili]

After the harrowing week on Naboo and Tatooine, Obi-Wan sits me down for my weekly letter to my father to update him on what’s happened, the letter arriving to Mandalore later in the day as it’s such a short flight for the delivery droid ship.

Dear Daddy,

Hello!!! I miss you!!! And Cole. And Uncle Cander. And Uncle Cassie. And JJ and Rass. And Aunt V!

So much has happened this week!!! Most of it really good. Some of it so sad.

Master Qui took Obi and I to Naboo for a dipplmatic diplomatic mission. But then! There was poison! And Obi made a Force shield around me ‘cause I can’t hold my breath like they can. THEN we landed on the planet and got all wet and ran from tank thingies into the water and then there was this fish person- Jar Jar. He was very ugly, Daddy. Very. And annoying. I do not like him.

Then he took us to his underwater palace and it was SUPER cool. I would love to live there and be a mermaid. And swim so much. Anyway. Then the king fish person said jar jar was a criminal so we took him away ‘cause Master Qui said to.

AND THEN we saw the QUEEN only she WASNT the queen she was a dikoy decoy. Then we took the ship only the ship was damaged so we emerjency emergency landed on Tatooine.

AND THEN WE MET ANI!!!!!!! He’s so cool!! He’s MY age!!! Three months older. He won the pod race that we went to. It was awesome. He was a slave but he won his freedom with the race. His mommy is still a slave :( the queen would not free her??? I think the queen is a bad person. Her name is Shmi Skywalker.

Ani is a Jedi! I feel like I’ve maybe known him forever. Master Qui said it was weird how fast our Force bond snapped into place. I like him a lot. He likes to build thingies with machines.

Obi has taken BOTH of us to be his Padawans now. I know it was only supposed to be me when he graduated but he graduated early. The Council didn’t want to keep Ani ‘cause they said he’s too old but we don’t think so. He is so smart. Smarter than me maybe?? He speaks four languages!

Obi Master Obi has to take us both because a mean Sith hurt Master Qui bad. Obi says he’s with Mommy and Master Tahl. I hope they make friends and have picnics. I miss him. I still feel him around me in the Force. When Master Qui was fighting the evil Sith Ani and I hid in a ship and it TURNED ON and Ani PILOTED IT and we shot the big ship in space! And won!!! There is a droid on Naboo named Mr. R2D2 and I was wondering if maybe you could find it???? And bring it home??? So we could have it??? Maybe???? Please????? It’s the best astromek astromech ever. Pls respond.

I am happy to see you so soon and I miss you bunches. Master Fee says he will take me to Mandalore instead of Master Qui but we will still go just as much :))))

Okay I have to go ‘cause Ani and I have school in the morning.

Bye!!!!

Love you!!!!

-Rina

P.S. Chernan, Lili has improved immensely with her spelling! Only three corrections this paper. Please feel free to call me, I know this letter may be concerning. Until our call or the letter next week, Obi-Wan.

Once he receives the letter, Chernan opens it among the privacy of his home, laughing quietly throughout your writing despite his slight panic during some of the news.

Flying around with a new friend? Unsupervised? Shooting things and possibly risking being shot down? Interacting with slaves and possibly slavers?

Ben's note at the bottom makes him laugh even harder. For some reason, it's just really funny to think this man may be sitting somewhere, shitting his pants over the possibility of an angry phone call from Chernan himself.

Rather than calling, writes two different letters, one for you and one for Ben.

It truly is so sad to hear about the passing of his Master. Qui-Gon Jinn seemed like a wonderful man.

Czarina,

How wonderful it is to hear from you this month. Your recent adventures sound so exciting! I'm glad you're safe. I can't imagine how scary it must have been, but I'm also glad you had a new friend to endure it with. Ani. He sounds like a nice boy. I am sure he will love having you by his side, especially during the adjustment period of living in the Temple after having a life elsewhere. You of all people will know what that's like, my darling!

As for R2D2... I will go to Naboo and see what I can do. If he is someone else's droid and they don't want to give him up, please understand I might not be able to bring him. But I promise I will try my best.

For your sake, I hope you never encounter that Jar Jar man again. I can sense your annoyance through the page- and it's adorable, but I also don't wish anger upon you, my sweet girl.

Things have been fairly uneventful here at home... Cole is doing well in school and will be advancing in his jetpack training very soon! Cassius is very proud of him and also says he misses you. He and Cole are sitting with me right now, in fact. They walked in as I'm writing to you. Cole says the next time you come up, we need to go camping! I told him you might like that. Something fun to do in our beautiful forests. Let me know what you think, ner ad'ika.

I've got several fairly big and important political meetings coming up that I hope to secure for the future of Ordo. It will involve partnerships and trade route exchanges that would be excellent for us. More money and travel which will also attract more tourists.

I can't wait to hear from you again, darling. Miss you and love you so much. Thank you for never giving up on these letters! Tell your new friend Ani I said hello. Also, give your Master Obi-Wan a hug. He may need it during his time of grief.

And then, to Obi-Wan.

Dear Obi-Wan,

Thank you for your concern over my possible panic at my daughter's letter- though I assure you my appreciation lies more deeply in the way you looked out for her and kept her safe while on that mission. It is an admiral quality of a Jedi to always be prepared for anything, especially with other lives at stake. Not a day goes by where I doubt your abilities to care for, protect, and nurture my daughter. She is doing very well under your trainings and teachings and I couldn't be more proud. And grateful.

I heard about the passing of your Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, and I express my deepest and most sincere sympathies. He was a wonderful man and I'm sure the loss must be very tough for you. Please know that if there is ever a day you need to... separate from the detached emotions of the Jedi lifestyle... I am one call away. I'm an excellent listener and I won't hesitate to pick up. Also, I won't tattle if feelings are being had.

You are a wonderful man, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Never let any dark days dim your light. Always remember your purpose and your strength, even if it feels like no one else can see it but you.

I will keep you in my thoughts as you proceed through this time of grief.

Chernan Ordo

--

Several days later, when Obi-Wan receives the envelope, he moves into the quarters to try and find you. "Lili?" he calls, "Are you home?"

The envelope is thicker this time. Perhaps your father sent you something else along with the letter.

[uridestiny]

The Warrior of the Moon Chapter 19: Truths after the tragedy

Previous chapter:

https://www.tumblr.com/uridestiny/745677145875070976/the-warrior-of-the-moon-chapter-18-waking-up-in?source=share

My eyelids felt heavy, my legs were numb but I was able to move my toes, my feet hurt horribly, as if I had stepped on a bed of nails with my bare feet; My arms hurt a lot, they were heavy and burning, as if I had been exposed to burns, but I could feel my fingers and I could also feel the touch of someone holding my hands. I could barely open my eyes, the light around was dim, but enough to illuminate the surroundings.

¨She woke up!¨ I heard someone scream.

¨Quickly! Someone call a healer!¨ Another voice shouted.

I moved my eyes lazily, trying to look for those who were making too much noise. Two similar faces peeked out to see mine, I recognized them immediately and smiled at both of them.

¨Good morning Aaron, and also your Adrien¨ I managed to whisper, but I didn't have much strength to speak and my throat was slightly dry.

They both started crying, which surprised me. I had never seen Aaron cry, he had always remained serious and very distant in showing emotions such as happiness or sadness, you could say that most of the time he was serious or angry, but seeing him cry right here and now... It made me feel great pain in my heart, what was causing those tears?

On the other hand, Adrien was also injured, he had bandages on his chest that reached his neck, where there is a slight trace of blood, and he has some bandages around his head. After waking up and seeing him, I thought he was crying because his wounds were too painful, but after seeing them both staring at me... I realized that they weren't crying for them, but for me.

After passing a checkup from a healer and being helped into a sitting position on the bed, I was told they found me under some debris from the Carline Canopy after Bahamut unleashed a wave of destruction on Eorzea upon breaking free from Dalamud, apparently a prison that kept him locked up for several centuries, a creation of the Allag before their demise.

When they found me next to the man Elezen, thanks to the twelve he also survived, only we both had first degree burns, since the debris that fell with us prevented us from having worse burns when the sky glowed in flames, but it also hurt my legs and arms due to the weight on my body and I almost risk being crushed. The healers also pointed out to me that my feet were considerably damaged and I would not be able to walk until after two weeks of rest, with corresponding medication and sessions of healing magic.

“How long was I unconscious, sir?” I asked the healer who was treating me, an elderly Roegadyn man who looked exhausted and had dark circles under his eyes.

¨It was 6 days, your brothers arrived recently because no one had been able to identify you, there were many wounded in the battle and also many missing.¨

The healer kindly explained to me that, in the midst of all the chaos created, a prayer circle was formed in the sky with the 12 symbols of the deities with the intention of containing Bahamut, but for some reason, it failed to enclose the Primal; his power and his anger were so great that it was impossible to contain him, but out of nowhere, a light filled the sky of Eorzea and spread... Even without knowing what happened, everyone looked at the sky full of residual Aether that fell on the earth, Bahamut was gone and no one could explain how, but that was not all, when some realized, most of the adventurers who were present at the Battle of Carteneau disappeared without a trace.

I didn't understand how it was possible for thousands of people to disappear in such a moment in battle, but that wasn't what terrified me the most to hear since I woke up.

"The only bad thing is that we can no longer locate those missing in the Battle of Carteneau, due to some strange phenomenon caused in the battle, no one remembers the names or faces of the people who were present there, they have not even been able to start a search because we do not have any information that identifies them. It is a terrible tragedy that we cannot even give them a decent burial if there is no body or a name to put on their tombstones...¨

At that moment I thought I was living a nightmare, I couldn't imagine myself forgetting someone I met from one day to the next...

¨Miss, I know this is probably very sudden for you, but I would like you to cooperate, any information you can remember about these people would be greatly appreciated. Have you requested the help of an adventurer recently?¨ The healer said kindly.

An adventurer? I tried to search my memories to try to remember someone, I had heard that term before, and I had also gone to Carline Canopy to speak with Mother Miounne to ask her about a certain adventurer...

¨Miss?¨ The man's voice slowly became distant, I fell into my thoughts trying to remember something about this person, a name or face, anything!

My head hurt and I felt dizzy, I remember seeing someone when I first arrived in Gridania, it was around my age, they told me their name, helped me... I saved them, and we worked together to support each other...

"Miss, are you okay?" The man's voice was barely a whisper, I clenched my fists in frustration.

I didn't remember their name... I didn't remember their voice... Not even their face...

...Who... Who was?...

Before I knew it, my bandaged fists were shaking in my lap, and became slightly wet with the tears that fell from my eyes, a great feeling of frustration washed over me and hit my heart, but no matter how hard I tried, it was like if something prevented me from remembering it and it was only replaced by light; It hurt me to think that this person I knew was gone, and no one would be able to find if them was hurt. I remember screaming to stop them, I could have sworn I screamed their name, but I couldn't hear them, my ears were ringing and the pain in my head was getting worse.

¨Miss, you better try to rest, you will be transferred to Sharlayan when access to the island is reopened. Until then, you will stay here.¨

The man got up and walked towards another patient who was close to me, it was then that I lay down on my own bed and looked around me a little, I wasn’t the only one who was present, many civilians and soldiers who were wounded are gathered together. In the same improvised room, it seemed that this was the home of a small family, but with so many people injured, at least from here I can count that there are at least 14 or 15 patients.

A few hours passed, but I couldn't sleep, I felt like if I went back to sleep it would probably be another 6 days without waking up, the thought alone made me feel chills, but I didn't have to wait long before I saw Aaron walk into the makeshift infirmary to bring me a bowl of hot soup for me.

"You've gone 6 days without eating, you must be hungry." He told me in a soft voice, it had been a long time since he spoke to me like that.

¨In all honesty brother, I'm not hungry...¨ I lowered my head while holding the bowl of soup in my hands, it hurts a lot to hold it, but not even the delicious aroma of the food could make me take away the feeling I have in my mouth in my stomach when they told me what happened that day.

“You must eat to regain your strength, and well, as rest.” Aaron sighed, trying to cheer me up. ¨I'm sure that in a few days the ships to Sharlayan will flow again, they can't go long without knowing what has happened here, so don't worry...¨

Aaron reached out with his hand to move a few strands of my hair back so I could have a clear view to eat.

"We will return home sooner than you think" he concluded.

I spent a few seconds looking at the bowl of soup, and then Aaron took the bowl and lifted the spoon with some soup broth on it, and brought it to my mouth trying to feed me.

"I'm not a child" I told him reluctantly.

"I know, but you have to eat, the soup is going to get cold and it won't taste good."

With a pout, I opened my mouth and received the spoon with soup, it was hot to say the least, the taste was pleasant and I felt like going days without eating shook my whole body at the arrival of food, my stomach turned, but to my luck, I didn't vomit the soup, I just squirmed a little.

¨Take it easy, I will help you eat, you should consume small bites so that you can consume food regularly again.¨ Aaron said with a serious look, he passed the spoon over the soup again and took another small amount with this.

Before he brought the spoon closer to me again, I asked him.

¨When did you arrive in Gridania?¨

“Today, in fact, I recently arrived here.” I saw how he frowned and looked bitterly at the bowl of soup.

¨The Forum wouldn't allow me to leave the island, and neither would any civilian, so I had to ask a friend for a favor to bring me here and he agreed, we'll probably have problems once all this can calm down a bit.¨

I sigh and then he bring the spoon to my mouth, repeating the process over and over at a slow pace. Although it was evident that he brought with him many problems and worries, Aaron didn’t raise his voice, instead, he remained calm and with his soft tone when speaking.

¨Adrien arrived with you 2 days ago, he also had burns and wounds from the battle, but he was in another makeshift infirmary so it took a while for the healers to allow him to go out and look for you.¨ Aaron paused and left the spoon in the bowl that was still half finished.

¨When he found his cabin destroyed, he went to look for you in various corners of Twelveswood and in Gridania, as well as asking several people he met, he managed to give a physical description about you and that helped his search bear fruit; He found you here unconscious, he has been here taking care of you since then until I could arrive.¨

I felt sad at the thought of how desperate they both were trying to find me in the middle of all this chaos, Adrien was probably desperate to get out of the infirmary even if his condition still wasn't the best and Aaron not hearing from us and not being able to leave the island... They both suffered a lot...

¨Where is Adrien?¨ I asked, I felt my throat close due to guilt.

"He’ll be back in a while, he went to talk to a healer to ask about your condition and he will also have a checkup to see if he will be allowed to return to work soon."

Aaron spooned some soup again and brought it closer to me, but this time I didn't open my mouth.

"Destiny? Does something hurt?¨ His voice sounded worried, and that only made the pain in my throat worse than the rest of my wounds.

“Destiny, do you want me to call a healer?” He kept asking, but I didn't have the strength to answer, so he placed the bowl of soup on the bed and tried to get up to call a healer, but I stopped him abruptly when I took him from the arm.

¨Please stay...¨ I whispered, trying my best to speak, but all of this also hurt a lot.

Aaron took a seat next to my bed again, moving the bowl of soup once more so it wouldn't fall. We were silent for a couple of minutes. I think he realized that I was trying to say something to him but he had to give me my time to speak.

He waited patiently, which surprised me, he had always shown himself to be a busy man and that if there was something to say, it had to be quick, but this time it wasn’t like that, he didn’t pressure me to speak, instead he remained silent. Waiting for my words, this wasn’t the Aaron I knew, but it was clearly him.

¨I’m so sorry…¨ I whispered and felt my chest hurt.

¨I'm so sorry for worrying you both, for everything that happened... I didn't want to hurt you both...¨ Finally my tears fell, I couldn't control them, my emotions overwhelmed me in such a way that I couldn't stop them, I couldn't stop them anymore, couldn’t speak. I raised my bandaged hands to my face to wipe away the tears.

Then I felt Aaron's gentle hands on mine.

“Destiny, none of this is your fault” He said softly, caressing my bandaged hands.

¨There are circumstances that are out of our hands, this calamity was not caused by you, it was out of your reach, so was the decision of the Forum to not allow me to leave the island, as well as the fact that the healers will not allow Adrien to leave until that he wasn’t cured.¨

My tears blurred my vision, but I could clearly feel Aaron's presence near me, I clung to his hands, because I felt that if I let go, he probably wouldn't be there anymore.

¨But I came here... I came here and that caused you...¨

Aaron shifted his position slightly, straightening up.

¨Destiny... Adrien told me the reason why you came here. It's true, I was angry, but you didn't do it with bad intentions, you only cared about your family... I couldn't go look for Adrien, but you did it, because you cared about us; If you didn't, you wouldn't have left me the warning that you were leaving, but in that letter, you promised to come back.¨

Aaron squeezed my hands lightly and he was shaking a little.

¨You are no longer the little girl who first came to Sharlayan, you became a woman, but still... Sometimes the idea of letting you go is difficult for me, because both Adrien and I want to continue protecting you.¨

Finally, Aaron hugged me, it was a gentle hug but full of sweetness and warmth, although I recognized that he doesn’t tend to be very expressive when it comes to giving affection, I never thought he would do it at a time like this.

¨Do you know how I found you that day in the forest?¨ I heard Adrien's voice behind Aaron and I saw how his silhouette approached us, I saw how he went to the other side of the bed and moved the bowl of soup, towards another piece of furniture, he sat on the bed, even with his wounds and body bandaged.

¨Because I became what I am now; Because I wanted to protect those I can still save, a wise man taught me this and thanks to that... I found you.¨

Adrien approached. But he leaned on Aaron to join the hug as well.

¨You were like a ray of light that illuminated our lives and every day that we saw you grow has been the most wonderful we have ever seen, it was when I realized that I have something special to fight for and that I want to protect; and I want to continue doing it.¨

A great wave of emotions invaded me, I was moved by both of their words, my chest hurt so much that I couldn't distinguish if it was because of the injuries I suffered or because of this feeling, but it was... A warmth so pleasant and sweet, that I couldn't. I had felt in a long time... My sadness turned into joy and love, even with my sore arms, I extended them to hug them both; my burns burned under my bandages, but I didn't care, I just wanted to hug them both. For the first time in many years, I realized how fortunate I was to know my brothers... How blessed I was all this time.

I cried in both of their arms, it had been a long time since I was like this... Since I was a little girl and they both accompanied me to sleep when I suffered from nightmares, they hugged me warmly, gave me a glass of milk and lay with me on my bed to see the stars; My room in Sharlayan has a glass ceiling that allows me to see the moon and stars, and they both slept next to me while we watched the night sky, they both tried their best not to sleep at night just because of me, they didn't fall asleep until that I could sleep first; But sometimes it was too much for them and I was only content to hold their hands and lend them my blankets so that neither of them would get cold while they slept. Holding his hands while I slept gave me the security of being able to sleep... That was so long ago...

Then I felt how Aaron tried to get away from me, and then I hugged him a little tighter. I think he noticed that I grimaced because his expression showed disapproval and he moved away. That's when I noticed how he put his hand on my arm and came back to adjust my bandages that were falling off. When he finished, he took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his tears. Adrien had also left and then looked at his twin with a mocking smile.

"Aaron, by chance you don't have another handkerchief with you to dry my tears?"

Then Aaron had his usual expression again and grumbled.

¨No, also, how many times have I told you to always have a handkerchief with you at your disposal if the occasion arises? Every day I told you in Sharlayan and you never listened to me!¨

Yeah, that's Aaron.

"How can you expect me to keep up with you when we clearly have different occupations? I work as a soldier, Mr. Elegant.¨ Adrien responded, his tone of voice sounding playful and sarcastic. "I don't think I need tissues to work when I'm exposed to dirt or monster slime, not all of us are fine like your Aaron."

At this point, it was normal for me to see them having those kinds of conversations, Aaron always pointed out Adrien's faults in terms of his environment and stability, but Adrien didn't care much and took it with humor, he knew very well that his own brother, he always wanted to check on his well-being, but sometimes he was simply too serious and strict. It even gave the impression that Aaron acted as if he were a grumpy father and Adrien was the naughty little boy of the family, but the sad reality for both of them is that they are twin brothers, with similar faces and the same age.

Some people even tend to be surprised when they meet both of them and find out that they are twin brothers, because they are so opposite that you could not believe that they are from the same root even if you were able to obviously see that they both have the same face. However, only if you were observant enough could you notice what kind of differences both of them possess in addition to character, including hair color and the marks in their eyes.

¨However, I am glad that you could show some kindness and love from the bottom of your heart towards our sister, hearing your words also touched me quite a bit Aaron¨ Adrien said smiling gently, and his healthy hand reached my head and began to caress me gently.

At these words I could see how Aaron's face flushed slightly and he looked away, feeling ashamed that he had been seen so vulnerable like that even for a brief moment. Then he suddenly stood up and took the almost empty bowl of soup that Adrien had left on a nearby piece of furniture and walked out quickly, before walking away completely he said almost shouting.

¨I'll go get more soup for Destiny! I hope you two are still there resting when I return or I will drag you both to the seven hells if I find out that you are gone even though you are injured!¨

Adrien just laughed out loud as he listened to Aaron's words, his healthy arm stopped caressing my head and raised it higher to say goodbye to his twin as he left the infirmary; I was relieved to see that despite his injuries, Adrien was still showing himself as he always does.

¨You also said corny words Adrien¨ I responded with amocking tone.

“I know, I know, I just wanted to bother Aaron a little. He has been worried about both of you all day, since he arrived, he hadn’t left your side and you could tell how distressed and helpless he felt...¨ Adrien changed his tone of voice, stopping from sounding joking to being serious and calm.

"I haven't seen him cry since Mom and Dad died..." Adrien said, sighing and looking down. "Seeing him like that again, and also the fact that you didn't open your eyes... I didn't know where to put my head and my heart, I felt desperate, trying to find something to do.¨ Then I saw how a tear fell from his eyes, although I couldn't see his expression, I could tell that he felt relieved.

He quickly wiped his face with his hand and looked at me again with his smile.

"I'm happy that you're with us, please don't scare us like that again."

I smiled too and decided to play with him a little to try to cheer him up after everything that had happened recently, I didn't want to keep thinking about our conversation, I simply wanted to be happy with my brothers.

"I'm also happy to be here, but sadly I can't promise to avoid another scare."

At that moment Adrien seemed bewildered.

¨Just wait for the All Saints' Wake of this year, I will give you both a new scare that will make your hair dye white!¨

He finally understood my humorous side and started laughing while also taking my challenge seriously.

¨No, I will outdo your costume and take all your candy!¨

At this point, Adrien and I took the sheets of the infirmary to joke around and play as ghosts for a while, the people passing by us laughing at our funny poses and voices. At some point, Aaron had already returned, but he had stood a few meters away from us, looking at us with shame and exhaustion, as if he were dealing with two small children who still don't know how to behave.

It wasn't until after some bells rang that he came over and took off the sheets to scold us and ask us to rest.

For those who have forgotten the detail, during the FF14 story it is mentioned that during the battle of Carteneau that after the failure of the invocation of the Twelve (the deities of that world) to seal Bahamut, the adventurers who were present disappeared without leave a trace and people could no longer remember them. But this is in reference to the players who were playing before ARR (A Realm Reborn) and to make sense of the story in this way.

[shahronak47]

Say no to "YES" Rentals

We had recently been to New Zealand and the trip was awesome. Unfortunately, our trip ended on a bitter note. Self drive is the easiest way to explore New Zealand, I believe. We had rented our vehicle from Yes Rentals, Queenstown branch. They gave us Toyota Aqua Hybrid which had almost completed 80k kms but still was well maintained.

We stayed in Christchurch for 3 days and on one of the day while I was taking reverse in the parking, the car got slightly hit on the back. Since I was in the parking area I was slow and thankfully it did not damage a lot. I had completely forgotten about it until the last day when I came back to Yes rentals to return the car. The operator there noticed the scratch and immediately called it out.

This is the scratch

I said, ok, yes, the scratch was my mistake so I need to pay for it. I went in the office, the operator took the photo of it and sent it to his manager. He said I need to check with my boss to know how much needs to be paid. We waited for a while and the operator said you need to deposit 1000 NZD. We will check how much the cost of fix would be and return the remaining amount to you in 7-10 working days. I was shocked, I mean definitely it was not worth 1000$. It was such a simple scratch but then I thought it must be their process of taking this minimum amount irrespective of the severity of the damage so I just complied.

They asked me to fill up some form. Based on the questions in the form it was to be filled when you met with an accident. It asked when did accident occur, did you call the police etc. I definitely did not call police because of a scratch on my car :P It was end of our trip and I felt really bad to pay 1000$ for a scratch that could have been avoided. However, we had a flight to catch so we left anyway. On the airport, I thought I should have told them to take 100$ or 500$ max and should not have accepted the 1000$ that they asked me to pay upfront. After this thought, I felt more sad because I paid 1000$ + 2.5% transaction charge (25$) and I was also going to lose on exchange rate twice because of this too and fro money transfer. As I was feeling restless, I emailed them from the airport asking for estimate of the fix and how much time it will take to return the money. However, they didn't have answer to both of them.

I returned the car on 2nd March and it was 12th of March today but still there was no response from them so I send them an email asking the same question again where they mentioned that repairs are scheduled to be completed next week. I mean for me it is max 15 mins job to fix this. I think fix is a very big word for it, you can spray paint the car with the same color as your car and that's it. I am not sure why they are taking so long to "fix it".

Waited for another week and after few more follow ups invoice was generated and shared with me. You will not guess the amount they charged me to fix the scratch. The repair costed me 981.24$ . I cannot stress it enough on this 981$. I mean look at the scratch once again.

How can you attach 981$ to this? I mean I am angry and laughing at the same time. How dumb do you think I am? Definitely, me agreeing to deposit 1000$ for this little thing was not the smartest thing I did but charging 981$ for this scratch was stretched too far. They quietly returned me 18$ and said Thank you for choosing YES rentals.

Their detailed invoice looks like this :

I was actually out of words seeing this crazy invoice. I asked them to explain what does this "Real Bumper Panel Repair" mean and why is it 3 in quantity to which they replied that charge is based on 3 hours of repair work billed at 85$ per hour. They also invited me to cross verify these prices from reputable repair companies in Queenstown.

Me being a coder/developer have done quite a lot of freelance work and charging 85$/hour is not that uncommon in tech area but this 85$ for mechanic/auto technician is so much more. No offence to them but it is what it is. So I did some research as they had invited me to and found this

So from 26$ median range, they are charging me 85$. What are you fixing? NASA spaceships?

I get so hyper looking at this every time I remember it. We had lot of emails back and forth where they tried to explain me that Queenstown is an expensive place so rates are higher than rest of NZ etc. I said I understand that since I have stayed in both USA and Switzerland which are more expensive than NZ but still my head just cannot justify this 981$ for the scratch. I mean look at the scratch and put 981$ - this number against it to fix it. I simply can't accept it and the fact that you think this is "reasonable" is making my blood boil even more. I also told them that there is no way to verify these 3 hours. Who knows if you actually worked for 3 hours? Here number 3 was selected so that it solves the equation to come up with a number close to 1000$. If I had paid only 500$ upfront then hourly rate would have dropped to some less number, number of hours would be less as well and everything would be adjusted accordingly. Basically start working backwards (1000$) and find a way to produce a bill that fits the equation. 18$ were returned to make this look like a genuine company and not to make it an obvious scam.

My wife was waiting patiently till now but really got frustrated with these emails and gave them a 1 star on Google review to which they threw their standard reply. We understand your disappointment but you should drive safely and buy insurance from us (so that we can loot you further).

However, I was still fighting with them (over emails) about how non-sensical it was from them to charge me this much. On 20th of March I got an email from the manager of the Queenstown branch and she told me that she has looked into the matter closely and would like to offer me 150$ if I remove the negative review on Google (and also stopped emailing them).

So please if you are planning to go to NZ, use Yes Rentals!

Lol, you wish!! I told the manager the same thing. What you are charging me is completely unacceptable and does not make any sense. To which manager replies to me that we do not want be stuck in this unpleasant conversation, do we? Just take this 150$ and shut up. Obviously, I am paraphrasing this.

I have been keeping a watch on their Google review since my wife posted the negative review and after her review within 24 hours there were 7 , five star reviews. I doubt how many of them are genuine reviews. For me it felt that those reviews were there to cover up after her review. It achieved two objectives : 1. The newest reviews are the positive review 2. Overall average is maintained.

In the last 15 days, I have not seen their average rating move at all. It has been steady on 4.3 in spite of so many reviews. It looks as if they are trying to maintain that number by manipulating it. I know it is not difficult to buy reviews in this day and age.

I did not accept that 150$ as well because I don't think 830$ is reasonable amount for that scratch and additionally I wanted to write this post. Like their technicians, my hourly rate is very high as well and 150$ is definitely not going to cover it.

[0daytrick0]

Starting University...

As of next Monday, I finally start my bachelor of psychological science (again...). After nearly going homeless last year from moving to study, I opted to Instead not give up and complete the undergraduate degree online.

In terms of how I feel I don't really feel anything. I know it's going to be a difference but I won't actually be able to study anything untill next weekend due to work. It's my last week until my contract ends and the last week before the person I'm covering for comes back. I chose to just push on through so that I can end my contact on good terms so they can reinstate me for something good.

They definitely want to keep me, it's just a matter of finding where to put me. Especially since everything (university wise) is on Mondays and Tuesdays, I'm only available from Wednesday to Friday.

I do enjoy working at the hospital and wish to continue doing so. Especially if it helps me get my foot in the door for placement with psychology.

In terms of how ready I am, I have already gotten more ink for my printer, special paper with binders to print my own notebooks (so I can write on my iPad), received my (very expensive) textbooks, bought new pens and a diary, cleaned my PC as well as ordered new parts for it. Overall, I feel I have everything I would ever need to study effectively next week. All I have left to do is to complete the academic integrity modules as well as read any Introduction courses.

I am worried about missing the first official week of uni in terms of reputation. Im worried by missing the first week without saying anything could indeed make me look bad to my teachers. But it's out of my control and it's only one week I'm missing.

I have already gotten on top of all of my cleaning and washing leading me to have no excuses to not study next week. I am worried Im going to be very tired as I'm going to try and get on top of as much as possible at work leading the person I'm covering for not to be thrown in the deep end after her 6 week holiday. If it was a stranger I wouldn't care, but I spent a few weeks with this individual and she was very respectful and very caring. She taught me the ropes in ways that worked for me and never got frustrated with me. I want to go above and beyond for her because of that. And she doesn't deserve to walk into a bucket load of work after being away for so long. She's going to have to teach herself the ropes again.

I'm hoping to go see her Monday morning (after my lecture) the week she's back. Just to pop in and say hello. Answer any questions she has ect.

This is honestly the first job that I have felt genuinely cared for. I recently got really sick and had to be hospitalized, so I missed alot of work. When I returned, to see all the people with genuine concern. To express that happiness upon my return. To offer to help with anything I need. To check my obs whilst I'm on the job. Everyone is just so thoughtful and caring on the surgical ward and it's honestly so heartwarming. To then see everyone be bummed out knowing I leave them very shortly. That i probably won't be back for a while to work with them all. It's honestly makes me a little sad tbh. I have never worked in and industry where people stand by you. Where the staff remain the same. Where people look out for each other and put their own needs above their own. It has honestly been a beautiful thing and I will miss it.