#monty python ass insult

[stillness138]

i'm built different, out of the 3 chosen morons, i'd only fuck orin

[witchofthesouls]

Kup asking Megatron for the kids to have a play date? I'm imagining little Hot Rod and Mega-Daughter sort of runing and being semi-hostile squirrely at eachother untill Tarn and a assing Ultra Magnus snap "stop that it's against refpgulations," in unison. Cue the kiddos sharing a look and a braincell, then joining forces to drive their chaperones nuts. Kup is chuckling, "looks like ya two gave the mechlings a common enemy."

I can't help but imagine that Hot Rod and Megatron's daughter would have an antagonistic friendship from a Monty Python skit.

They would heckle at each other with the weirdest insults and backhanded compliments. Plus, Hot Rod isn't afraid to give her a noogie, and she's not above pouring hot oil down his armor.

It doesn't help that Hot Rod loves the concept of knighthood, and Megatron's daughter does live in an underwater ship immense castle with her own guards with outside excursions.

Ultra Magnus is on his own. Tarn wouldn't have said anything, but he does hold the (intimidating) air that the Autobot runts shouldn't be around his Lord's only child. And because the D.J.D.'s mandate is internal to the faction, he keeps his hands and words to himself. Usually.

Kup, the badass grandpa he is and always living on the edge of danger, likes needling the tank with the killer voice since Tarn's too uptight.

So far, mechs are betting when Ultra Magnus will either take a break or be forced into Ratchet's mandatory leave with the kids teaming up.

[wowtalesofadventurers]

Decades December day 9 The 1090s

A World of Warcraft fanfiction for @thepromptfoundry event Decades December day 9 The 1090s featuring my ocs. I based this scene off from the French scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The paladin Lucan and his band of crusader knights arrived at a castle and Lucan call out, "Hello." and a lone knight peak out and ask, "Yes, who is it?" and Lucan said, "We are crusaders tasked by God to recalmed the Holy Land from enemies of the Lord. We ask for food and shelter for the night as well to join us in our crusade." The knight on the top of the wall ask, "What are you talking about? This fortress is the castle of my master Leon Faime Guymore, not some checkpoint for some goofy looking knights. Can you turn back to where you come back?" Howard Redstone the Worgen said, "I think he is talking about me." as Lucan said to the knight, "Look here, we are knights in the name of God and we will not be delay on our quest!" The knight said to Lucan, "Oh, you don't scare me! I bet men like you wash your backside with shells of a turtle and with rotten fruits! I will blow my nose to make your smell go away!" The crusaders were confused on the knight and one of them said to his friend, "What a strange fellow." and Lucan call out, "How dare you?!?" which the knight said back, "I don't want to hear you anymore, you smelly son of a cabbage farmer! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smell like horse ass!" Just then, a man show up and said to the knight, "William! Are you insult visitors again?" and William the knight said, "Well, they keep coming and I want to insult them out!" Lucan call out to the man, "Will you let us in?" while another crusader comment, "This is more of a comedy than a noble quest." as well some of the crusaders look at each other over this curious event.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #664

Top Ten Movie Insults

You fight like a dairy farmer!

Sadly that’s not from a film, otherwise – of course – it would be number one. But cinema has long had a fascination with invective; words as weapons, wielded to wound. Basically, people insulting each other is pretty funny, and it’s been used a lot in all sorts of fiction.

Despite the world being, well, the world (gestures at everything), it wasn’t current affairs that prompted this particular listicle. It’s actually been gestating for a few months, after I rewatched a particular film and was reminded of how much I loved this one particular insult. Yes, it’s on the list, and it features quite highly. You’ll see for yourself before too long. Anyway, that got me thinking about my favourite cinematic insults. Because some of them are belters.

Some of them, also, are very rude. I’ve tried to avoid incessant swearing. But sometimes it can’t be avoided. As a result, this is probably the filthiest list I’ve ever done. It shall be hidden under the fold, as it were; placed in a metaphorical brown paper bag like a naughty magazine or a copy of the Daily Star. Those of a nervous disposition are directed to one of my other Top Tens, like this delightful one about the Muppets that’s still probably the closest this stupid blog has ever come to going viral.

And that’s about it, really. There follows a list of some people being mean to each other and calling each other naughty names. There are probably some big ones missing – I never got round to watching Blade: Trinity, because everyone said it was shit, so Ryan Reynolds’ famous line does not make this list on technical grounds. But there are definitely some classics here, from the sublime to the ridiculous to, well, ones that just blow the bloody doors off. There is, I think you’ll find, an insult for every occasion; all of them from the movies.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

No disrespect, but you’re a cunt. (Brendan Gleeson, In Bruges, 2008): straight in with the filth. But it’s not the no-no words that make this funny; it’s the repetition, the sheer weight of cursing that Brendan Gleeson inflicts upon Ralph Fiennes. And more than that it’s the matter-of-fact delivery, which Fiennes takes with quiet, simmering anger. There's a sadness and a banality to it which speaks to the tone of the film as a whole, and it’s a beautiful, sensitive performance from Gleeson.

Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick. (Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, 1984): really a punchline to a wonderful setup from Dan Aykroyd (“dickless here shut off the power.” “Is this true?”) but it’s a terrific punchline; a playground insult delivered at the best (worst?) possible time. Even funnier is that in the melee that follows, when William Atherton lunges at Murray, you hear the latter try to defend himself with “well that’s what I heard!”.

I bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. (R. Lee Emmry, Full Metal Jacket, 1987): to be honest, Emmry’s entire speech to his squad of recruits is fantastic and full of outrageously offensive insults. On the one hand, this is such over-the-top invective as to be utterly hilarious; on the other, it speaks to his characters horrendous and overbearing nature that (spoiler alert) leads to two deaths. This incredible, evocative, imaginative insult is the icing on the whole filthy cake.

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! (Mike Myers, Shrek, 2001): this was, in fact, the insult that inspired me to write this whole list. It's such a benign, slight thing really; it washes off Donkey’s back when Shrek spits it at him. But the structure of it, the layering of adjectives, and the use of “beast of burden”, makes it both funny and memorable. My favourite line in the film.

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries! (John Cleese, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975): a line that was quoted ad nauseum when I was at school and every third boy suddenly discovered Python. The group was successful with humour both highbrow and old school, and this was positively playground; Cleese’s French knight is so supremely childish as to be hilarious. “I fart in your general direction”; legitimately classic.

It was nothing like that, penis-breath! (Henry Thomas, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982): Spielberg and writer Melissa Mathison really had a handle on the performance and language of the kids in this film, and Elliott’s frustration and anger and not being believed, and being patronised by his big brother, boils over in supremely realistic fashion. It's the sort of thing a kid would say, spat out almost nonsensically, and Dee Wallace’s reaction – spontaneous laughter followed by telling him off – is spot-on.

You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder! (Carrie Fisher, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980): this is partly the script – the escalating series of increasingly-silly adjectives – but mostly Carrie Fisher’s expert performance; searching for the most cutting and incisive insult possible, trying to maintain composure despite obvious fury. The way she spits “nerf-herder”! what even is a nerf-herder? And, of course, it’s capped by Harrison Ford’s wounded “who’s scruffy-lookin’?”

Look up “idiot” in the dictionary, you know what you’ll find? (Val Kilmer, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, 2005): a film made up almost entirely of fantastic one-liners, hilarious dialogue, and cutting insults; this one is simple but also ingenious. A furious Val Kilmer barks the question at a pathetic Robert Downey Jr, who knows how the joke ends – “a picture of me?” – only for Kilmer to give it an inventive and, well, really bloody funny little twist.

That fake old tough guy! (Joe Pesci, Goodfellas, 1990): this one might be less popular, although the scene is certainly iconic. Pesci’s Tommy DeVito is belittled by Frank Vincent’s Billy Batts, and turns homicidal. Pesci’s performance throughout the film is a livewire one, at turns boisterously comedic and terrifyingly vicious; here, though, clearly rankled, there’s none of the menace or charisma, just a primal rage. Tommy is almost reduced to a childhood tantrum, and as such his insult is pathetic, small, but darkly funny.

This is my bargain, you mewling quim! (Tom Hiddleston, The Avengers, 2012): a line so famous that it very briefly became something of an unofficial catchphrase for Hiddleston. On one level it’s just a biting, sneery insult, reeking of misogyny, spat by a rage-filled Loki at Black Widow; but then there’s the fact that, well, how on Earth did they get the word “quim” by Disney? I can only assume that a lot of people didn’t know what the word meant. It’s fitting, really, to circle back to gynaecology here at the end of the list; a somewhat more palatable version of the insult from In Bruges. And yes, I instantly regret the use of the word palatable in this context.

EDITED TO ADD!!! As a rule I don't edit my lists after publication, so this ranking will stand. But I've only just remembered one of my favourite - and simplest! - movie insults: Withnail to Uncle Monty. You know the one. In fact, I'm shocked and ashamed that I forgot Withnail altogether: "A coward you are, Withnail! An expert on bulls you are not!" is also great. Sorry everyone!

[deerteeth337]

Oh, gingerbread man. That reminds me of the time when I had a crush on the Lego gingerbread man. It all started in 2015. i wish that in season two of fionna and cake and steven universe they do a collab with mr beast (ross federman) and make a solo album thats just splat noises (see: undertale two by tony fox) and the record label "i stepped on a lego" inc hears it and is like "wow this is dogshit" but they record label them anyways and so back to fionna and cake and steven universe It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out! A door slammed. The maid screamed.Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon! While millions of people were starving, the king lived in luxury. Meanwhile, on a small farm in Kansas, a boy was growing up. so fionna and cake and steven universe and shrek and bill cipher and acht splatoon and gandalf the grey and gandalf the white and monty python and the holy grail's black knight benito mussolini and the blue meanie and cowboy curtis and jambi the genie robocop the terminator captain kirk and darth vader lo pan super man every single power ranger bill s preston and theodore logan spock the rock doc ock and hul hogan all become members of tally hall and make the new album "i hope that the members of weezer d1e in a car crash" which includes such hits as "grandma got run over by a reindeer" and "we sued santa for 69 million dollars but its not enough to pay the hospital bills" and went on to become the best band of all time... if it was opposite day!!!! haha!! so fionna and cake and ross federman are all broke and living in the streets,.. until someone comes to rescue them... who is it? it's the b-52's of course!! even the dead one!!! wow!!! but they're not actually rescuing them, they're just here to give them a kick in the ass. talk about rubbing salt in the wound! anyways they decide to do a collab with roddy rich to make a mashup of grandma got run over by a reindee r and ballin, guess what? it sucked. LOL!!!!!! so when there is no hope, the best thing to do is to travel to Weirdness Town Oregon? ...Yeah, I Live There. In my day, we didn’t have fancy coolers, so everyone took turns blowing on the meat to keep it fresh, unless you hired a Dutch family to blow on your food for you. Breezies is what you’d call ’em. It was quite the scandal when a breezy married a smusher– those were the fellas you hired to flatten your sandwiches by sitting on ’em– and the whole town came out to throw tar… and so, bill cipher became the 5nd member of tally hall after k1lling ross federman in a car crash (by accident!!) and releasing a song that was 5 hours of screaming over nikocado avocado videos. everybody loved it! except for the hottest music critic in town, bugs bunny's hipster cousin. bugs bunny's hipster cousin was so insulted, he transformed into his ultimate super sayan form and kamehameha'd bill cipher. "MY ONLY WEAKNESS!! ANIME!!!" shouted bill, allegedly. nikokado avocado sued the estate of bill cipher for 333 katrillion dollars, and since all of bill cipher's family are dead (L+Ratio) he had to pay it from beyond the grave. talk about a.... i dont know! Listen, Ford, if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. (Projects himself drawing a smiley face in the midwest United States, then takes a bite out of the Earth and flies past his friends, who are destroying other planets, then to Ford, who is standing in the middle of a galaxy) Anything will be possible. I'll remake a fun world-- a better world! A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! "man this blows youre so not sigma you wont stop playing an endless loop of banana man by tally hall and the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny by neil cicierega aka lemon demon and grandma got run over by a reindeer by tally hall youre so not sigma im gonna go become the 5nd memebr of tally hall, aroace flag tie" [ford moves in a way that my brain is unable to comprehend due to "autism" and is now in MICHIGAN??? MICHIGAN IS REAL??? WHAT????] and so he did, and their new sing

seeing art of source for the first time in weeks. no i am not gay what the fuck

[nieladasdenani]

Thank you, @tv-taught-me-how-to-flail for the prompt:

I could go for some warrior nun angst if you’re up for it (preferably one with a happy ending though) something like it’s the finale battle and Ava tricks the nuns and locks them in a cell cuz she doesn’t want any members of her new found family to get die in the battle, and she says her last goodbyes 😢 Would love of there was some avatrice thrown in there too 😉 

So, I’m going to try. I’m not sure if I can write angst, though. I’m also not sure Ava would deliberately plan to lock them and leave them to self-sacrifice. It would be an impulse by fear on the moment. I hope it meets your expectations. You can read it on AO3 if you rather.

-----------------

This is wrong. Nothing is going as Ava thought it would be going. She has been training so hard since the Vatican, she shouldn’t be feeling so defeated already, she shouldn’t be defeated, period. Of course, she wasn’t expecting it to be easy, but this feels like losing. This feels like failing. Like she failed. All she can think about is that she failed and her family is going to die because of it.

She can see Mary, badass Mary, running out of ammo. Sweet Camila panting, scared. Scary Lilith roaring and lashing out. Perfect Beatrice dividing her attention between her own fights and covering Ava’s back. Because she’s frozen in place, Ava is. She promised she was going to be the last Warrior Nun, and she’s going to keep this promise. She’s keeping this promise without letting any of her sisters died. So, she straightens up, looks around. They’ve been cornered inside a sort of closed plaza, surrounded by four walls and the only entrance has been blocked with debris. Adriel is on the other side, Ava sent him flying with a potent burst of the Halo when she saw he had Lilith by the neck.

He told Ava all about how he was going to kill her sisters one by one in front of her. “Starting with the hellhound”, he had said. He’s been whispering about it in her dreams, too. For weeks. Weeks of her waking with screams and panic attacks. Weeks of them talking about those dreams and planing accordingly. And yet, it’s all wrong. But she’s going to fix this. She will not let him kill them. She’s on borrowed time, anyway.

The horde of possessed is almost completely contained, now. But Ava thinks it’s enough to have her sisters occupied while she goes and finishes this. She levitates and uses enough of the Halo to slow the advance of the enemies. She knows she can’t stop them for long, just a moment to tell her final goodbye. They’re all looking at her now, confused, a mixture of frowns that range from bewildered to outraged.

“Ava?” It’s Beatrice, of course. “What’s going on?”

“I... I love you guys. I never thought, even in my wildest dreams, that I would live such an adventure or have a family. And you gave me this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about” Mary’s never been good at feeling out of the loop.

“I promised I was going to be the last Warrior Nun. And I’m going to finish this.”

“Ava, no”

"I’m not gonna let him kill you!”

“Why are you like this? Get your skinny ass down here, so we can contain the possessed and go send your daddy back to hell” Ava scrunches her face at Mary.

“Ew! He’s not my daddy!”

“Are you sure? Because you’re kind of making want to kill you right now”

“Would you both stop? Ava, please. You are not going to go by yourself. That was not the plan.” Beatrice is starting to look pissed.

“That's actually the exact opposite of the plan” Camila says, huffing a little.

“The most important part of the plan is where neither of you die!”

“The most important part of the plan is: trust your team”, ok now she’s officially angry then. But Ava softens.

“I trust my team. But I love my family more.”

“You said you promised to be the last. That doesn’t have to mean you die.”

“Hey, maybe I can beat him by myself.”

“You can, but there’s no need to risk it when you can have back-up. You do not need to do this alone, Ava.”

“He promised he would make me watch him kill you. I won’t allow it, Beatrice!”

“And I promised you that you’d never be alone again!”

Ava can feel her hold on the possessed weakening. So she has to end this. She can feel tears starting to run down her cheeks. She looks at them, one by one.

“I love you.” And she phases through the wall leaving behind a symphony of yells and curses. She takes a moment to compose herself, before going in search for Adriel. 

She finds him lying in the ground. If she took a moment she’d see he looks like he can’t even stand up. But she’s blinded by fear. And he can sense this.

“Well, did you finally decide to be a worthy Warrior, then, child?”

“Shut up. I decided I’m going to send you back to hell!” And he has the audacity of laughing.

“Please. We both know how this is going to end. I’m going to rip my Halo from your back, and I’m going to claim my rightful place as master of the world, while you lie there dying slowly and alone.”

“Big talk for a dude who’s not even standing.”

“I could kill you without the use of my limbs!”

“Like the Black Knight?” And he looks so confused, it would be funny. “Monty Python? Oh, wait. You could not know about it... Wait! Was it a real event?”

“Silence! You’ve overstayed your welcome, Warrior Nun. It’s my time now!” In a flash he’s in her space. Her reflex is to swipe her sword at him, which is a testament of the long training sessions with Lilith, and Beatrice and Mary and Camila. They spar for a while. But she’s starting to get worried that her sisters are going to burst out at any moment. And that’s the only opening Adriel needs.

He sweeps her off her feet, and she lays hard on the ground, face first, so he has the chance to press a knee on her back. She’s expecting him to reach a hand, like he did on his tomb, but he’s fumbling for something. And then she feels the cut and heat of divinium on her skin. She barely can avoid screaming.

“It’s over child. Thank you for following my instructions so well. You thought you were helping them? You thought this would spare them? Did you think at all?” She is screaming now, and crying, because it hurts, and she’s alone.

There’s a thunk and thump, and then a very distinctive snort followed by a:

“She never thinks.” And Ava may be delirious because that sounds like Lilith.

“Ava!” And that sounds like Beatrice. And the hand helping her turn and cupping her cheek feels like Beatrice, too. “Ava?” But she doesn’t want to open her eyes, because it will be devastating to realize she’s dying alone on the ground.

“The wound is a little deep, and she’s bleeding a lot. But I can patch it temporarily while we finish here and get to safety.” Her brain is conjuring images of Camila at her back.

Then she’s been lifted of the ground, and now she frowns because, sure, she has a very vivid imagination, product of twelve years of emotional abuse while paralyzed in a bed, but never this vivid. And never as violent as actually feeling someone smack her hard on the back of the head. 

“Ow!”

“You stupid, stupid girl. If you think this is all the repercussion you’re going to get for being the dumbest Warrior Nun ever, you’re even more stupid than I’ve just stated.”

“Mary, I don’t believe it’s the time for this.” Even in her dreams Beatrice comes to her defense.

“And I don’t believe hitting her in the head will help make her less stupid.” Ok, so now Ava opens her eyes, because that was definitely Lilith adding insults to the growing pile.

“What?...”

“Oh hey, stupid! Are you done being a drama queen?”

“Mary...” Beatrice sounds tired when she sighs the gunslinger’s name. Then she’s cupping Ava’s face: “Ava? Can you look at me, please?” Of course she does, she always wants to look at Beatrice. “I think she needs a second to recover.”

“Whats’... How...?”

“Did you really think we were going to let you run off like a self-sacrificing martyr?” And wow, ok, Camila has a bite.

“You also forgot I can open portals.” Oh, that’s right. Lilith can open portals, she’s also been training and exploring her new powers. It’s actually one of the ways they’ve bonded a lot.

“But, we were overrun by the possessed”

“Yes, Ava. The plan shifted. But we still had it under control. And if you have stopped to listen to us for a second you would have realized that we were containing the threat of the possessed to then be able to face Adriel together properly.”

“Oh.” Yes, Beatrice is definitely angry at her.

“Yes, oh. Now quit the drama and finish the dude.” There’s what Ava could only describe as an evil laugh coming from Adriel who’s still on the ground, panting.

“You think you children can defeat me? Areala, who was an actual Warrior could only hide me away on a tomb.”

“You said that like she sent you on a cruise, dumbass.” It’s Mary.

“I said that as someone who can escape again, fool.”

“We know we can kill you.” Beatrice.

“And we know we can’t contain you here.” Camila.

“We also know who’s eager to get their hands on you.” Lilith, who then turns to Ava: “Ready?” And yeah. She’s ready to send this demon back to hell. Literally.

“Yeah. Ready” Ava picks her sword with a pained grimace. And before she can take the couple of steps that separate her from Adriel, she feels a strong, delicate hand on her shoulder, so she turns to Beatrice.

“Remember, spend as much Halo energy as possible without depleting it completely. We want it’s signal to be muted, but not enough to put you at risk.” She nods, and proceeds to lift her sword over her head to strike.

“What do you think you’re doing? You can’t kill me!”

“Like they said, we know. But we can hurt you before we gift you away.”

She summons as much as the Halo power as she dares before striking him down. His pained screams fill the open space around them, but she keeps the sword in him until she starts to feel weak. Then she stops, and stumbles back into strong arms that hold her up. That’s when Lilith comes forward and looks at him like he’s a bug she just crushed under her boot and is disgusted to have to clean it up. She lifts her claws, and he flinches, it’s so satisfying to see. But she doesn’t strike as he expects, she opens a huge portal and after a couple of seconds of nothing, they hear a deafening roar, the thunderous approach until the imposing form of the Tarask appears through the portal.

Adriel chokes out a whimpering “No” catching the full attention of the monster, who promptly drags him through the closing portal. Lilith sags into the calm that follows, but Mary is there, ready to assist her.

“All right. You freaks good to go?”

“Mary, I don’t appreciate you calling them that” Breatice is truly a saint.

“Oh, but they love it. Right, Satan?”

“Fuck off.”

“Lilith, language!” But Camila sounds suspiciously like holding back a smile. They bicker the whole way to the van. Beatrice half carrying Ava, and Mary supporting Lilith, leaving Camila to load their weapons inside and start the vehicle.

Mary deposites Lilith in the passenger seat. while she herself takes the cargo section for herself stating that “I’m too old for this shit. Need to stretch my legs.” Leaving Ava and Beatrice in the back seat.

Ava is exhausted and she’s ready to let the darkness take her for a while. But Beatrice is caressing her face and speaking... Oh, right, she should listen.

“Ava? Are you listening?”

“Yeah”

“I know you’re tired, but I need to do quick check, all right?”

“Yeah”

“Good. Tell me what hurts.”

“Everything”

“Right. Tell me what hurts the most, then”

“Uh, my back? My head, too. My face... because I’m so cute.”

There’s a collection of groans from the front and the back, but Beatrice is smiling down at her, and that’s really all that matter.

“We’ll be back home in about two hours, so you can have some rest. But I want you to be properly tended to in the infermary when we arrive. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am!” But the ma’am morphs into a yawn and it looses all the cool, filtry effect she was going for.

“Please, don’t ever do that again.” Beatrice whispers and suddenly the air is heavy inside the van.

“I’m sorry. I just... He had Lilith, right how he said he would. I...”

“You allowed him get inside your head.” Lilith interrupts. “Which was what he wanted. He knew that was his best shot at getting the Halo.”

“That’s why you talked to us about them and we worked on it, remember?” Oh, good. At least Camila is back at being sweet.

“So, we need to work on your panic attacks and traumas, kid. Get ready for that.” And Ava actually whines at Mary’s words, because that doesn’t sound like fun.

“Not right away, though. First we heal and rest.” God, she loves Beatrice.

“And kid?” She didn’t realize she closed her eyes, until Mary calls out to her. So she opens them and twist her neck a little to look at her pearing from the back. “We love you, too. You know that right? You’re our family, too.”

Aw man, she’s all emotional again. She just wanted to be a badass like the rest of them. She feels Beatrice nod, and turns to see Lilith doing the same from the front seat. Camila is smiling at her through the rearview mirror: “It’s true, Ava.” Camila has such a pretty smile. But Beatrice has the prettiest smile. Beatrice has the prettiest everything.

“Rest now.” Beatrice says as she bends to place a tender kiss to Ava’s forehead. But then whispers in her ear: “I think you have the prettiest everything, too.” And she has the sexiest smirk painted on her lips, so Ava can’t seem to be able to respond. Just a flicker of a thought right before exhaustion claims her:

Wait, did I say that out loud?

[casper-writes-stuff]

I Think I’m In Love

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921265

Summary: Virgil falls for Roman, and the realization hits him pretty hard. But... It's not a scary realization, like he thought it would be.

In which I'm five days late for Virgil's birthday, but here's his birthday fic that got way out of hand. I went into this expecting like no plot and Virgil simply thinking about how gay he is for Roman and then Roman refused to be ignored and it just kind of went from there. I've dedicated this to Max ( @max-is-tired) cause honestly? They've helped me get out of my writing funk lately and also they've been super excited for me to finish it since I sprung the idea for the fic on them in the first place lmao.

It wasn’t exactly a soft realization, when Virgil had it. It wasn’t like Patton telling him he loved him so much, and that he wouldn’t know what to do without his friendship. It wasn’t like Logan handing him a book on something Virgil was really interested in, wanting to discuss it with him and Virgil figuring out that was Logan telling him that he loved him like a brother. Nothing with Remus was soft, but realizing Virgil cared about him, too, wasn’t nearly as jarring as this.

Honestly, realizing how much he loved each of his friends never hit Virgil quite as hard as it did when he realized he was in love with one Roman Grimm. It was like a bag of bricks dropped from a few feet straight onto his chest.

Virgil had come up with a particularly creative insult and it had left Roman keeled over, wheezing so hard all that was escaping his mouth was high pitched noises, not a breath of air between them. He’d crossed his arms in triumph, feeling like he’d won that days bickering.

It took him all of ten seconds before he realized his expression wasn’t the smirk he’d been going for, but an overly sappy, love-filled smile at Roman’s laughter. And that’s when the bricks dropped and all air rushed out of his lungs, his eyes widening as he watched Roman gather himself.

He… didn’t run. Didn’t even consider it before Roman had recovered, made a comment that prompted Virgil into a response that sent him cackling again. While the conversation continues, Virgil thinks.

He thinks about his last venture into the dating world, and how it ended in such a massive disaster that he did his best to jade himself to feeling like that again, because what’s the point of butterflies when they’re only going to rip through your heart on their way out?

But… being around Roman doesn’t give him butterflies. Strangely enough, Virgil feels like he’s the one with wings, when he’s with the flamboyant actor. Being with Roman makes Virgil feel like he could do anything he wanted to, so long as he had him by his side. Doesn’t matter that they’d be bickering and insulting each other the entire journey. If anything, that’d make Virgil feel more confident that he can actually pull it off, whatever it was he decided to do that day.

And honestly, now that he’s thinking about it, Virgil gets kind of reckless when he and Roman are in the same vicinity. Dee has even pointed out to him before a venture into an abandoned amusement park to go ghost hunting that Roman had an easier time convincing Virgil to do something stupid and kind of dangerous than Patton did trying to get him to sleep.

Virgil had, naturally, told him to shove that stick in his ass down his own throat. He may be spending a little too much time with Roman’s brother, if he was being honest with himself. Dee had only scoffed, rolling his eyes before letting Virgil leave the house to meet up with an eccentric blond.

That venture into the old, rusty amusement park was one of the best nights of Virgil’s life, if he didn’t count being almost crushed to death under an unsteady beam in one of the haunted houses. He and Roman had so much fun getting scared shitless by every creak and groan of the old rides. The funhouse mirrors had sent Virgil into laughing fits when every single one somehow only showed Roman as his normal self while he himself got the different appearances.

Thinking back on it, there was definitely a ghost fucking with them that entire adventure, but Virgil was having too much fun exchanging witty insults with Roman to really care. He’d had fun, and really wasn’t that something? Cause Virgil… Virgil didn’t have fun. He mildly enjoyed things while anxiety tickled the back of his mind, making him overthink every single action that was a result of him not thinking enough. The anxiety faded, the longer he knew the people he hung out with regularly, but it never really went away long enough for him to forget it was there until something that needed it happened.

Virgil was about to start thinking about how Roman managed to get him out from under the old rotting wood of a support beam before the haunted house got worse when Roman himself interrupted his thinking.

“Virgil. Vee. V-Man. Very Unimportant. Walking Existential Crisis. Vladimir--”

“Roman if you finish equating to me to the president of Russia, your face will no longer be as pretty as you think it is,” Virgil interrupted, his eyes finally focusing back on Roman’s expression. Which was filled with a confused concern.

Oh shit, did he space out?

“Well sorry, you stopped responding to me for a minute there, and your face went from all “Roman is a dumbass” smirk to some kind of mushy, gooey grin.”

Virgil scrunched up his nose in disgust at the comparison.

“Ew. Don’t ever call me mushy or gooey again, and I’ll let you live.”

Roman snorted, rolling his eyes at Virgil’s false disgust of all things soft.

Which, rude. Virgil had a reputation, he couldn’t just let himself be called mushy. What would his pretend fans think!

“I’d like to see you try and kill me, Very Short. You can’t even reach my shoulders without my assistance, you think you can aim for my heart from all the way down there?”

Virgil’s eyes narrowed while Roman’s grin widened, turning into a challenge.

There was exactly two beats of silence before Roman bolted for the door, Virgil chasing after him.

Virgil stops thinking about his feelings after that, stops thinking beyond strategy to capture Roman and somehow give him the biggest noogie of his life for daring to bring up Virgil’s height.

And it just kind of… continues. Virgil feels comfortable around Roman in a way he hadn’t before, despite Virgil never thinking he was ever uncomfortable around him prior to his revelation. Maybe it’s because he’s aware of the feelings now, and he recognizes his actions for what they are; pure, genuine affection and romantic attraction.

Over the next few weeks, Virgil can’t help but test the waters a little bit. He starts flirting back when Roman sends him some stupid pick up line he thinks is funny. Several times they’ve gone for hours, trying out-flirt each other and many times Virgil has won because Roman can’t let go of the overly ridiculous lines that focus on sex and Virgil is actually flirting so Roman eventually gets too flustered to continue.

Along with the flirting he gets… a lot more touchy. It’s not exactly subtle, nor is it obvious the touching is another result of his discovery, considering it’s really just Virgil letting himself rise to a lot of the bait Roman lays out for a playful fight. Patton definitely notices though, and the conversation that leads to is awkward at best, mortifying at worse.

And no, he doesn’t really feel like recounting that event in his memories.

It’s two days before his birthday when his brother and Roman’s brother trap him in Dee’s room with them to confront him.

“You know, you could’ve just asked to talk to me in private instead of hooking your arms around mine to drag me in here,” Virgil comments after flopping on his back on the carpeted floor beneath him. Dee and Remus had both taken advantage of their heights, and Virgil hadn’t really been able to keep his feet under him so when they let him go he’d fallen on his ass and who was he to pass up the opportunity to lay down?

“Yes, but that wasn’t nearly as much fun as dragging you in here like we were going to torture you for information!”

Virgil huffs a breath of air, trying to get his bangs out of his eyes enough so he could give Remus a curious look.

“Okay, and why are you torturing me for information?”

Dee cuts in, then. “Because you’re so open with us, Virgil.”

Virgil narrows his eyes in a glare at his older brother.

“You’re point, Monty the Python?”

Dee rolls his eyes at the nickname, crossing his arms.

“Our point, V-Section, is that you’re acting weird around my brother and he may not have noticed but we have,” Remus butts in with an irritated huff.

Virgil blinks, staring at his brother’s best friend for a solid thirty seconds before he speaks up.

“Was that… Did you just call me a C-Section but with the first letter of my name?” he asks, utterly bewildered. Usually Remus was a lot gorier or NSFW with his nicknames for others, and he didn’t usually relate their name back to it like Roman did.

“Did you really just totally ignore everything Remus said after that?” Dee asked, exasperated with the thing Virgil chose to focus on rather than the important part.

Virgil shrugged, shifting his feet so his knees were in the air and bringing his hands to rest on his stomach.

“I mean, yeah? It’s not like I’m really trying to keep my actions a secret, guys. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t say anything sooner? It’s been, what, two months since I actually started flirting with him?”

Dee blinks in surprise at Virgil’s admission.

“...That’s it? You’re not going to fight us on this?” he asks, skeptical of how easy Virgil was taking this. He was quite literally taking it lying down.

“Yeah? Why would I fight you on this?” Virgil asked, raising his torso up on his elbows to better stare at them in confusion.

Genuine confusion.

Jesus Christ.

“Probably because when you dated Chris and he criticized literally everything you did and liked you broke down after he dumped you and told everyone you wouldn’t let yourself interact with romance again?” Remus said, confused by Virgil’s confusion.

“Ah. That. Well, it’s whatever. In the past, literally years ago at this point. Why should I let it bother me now?”

“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” Was Dee’s immediate response, panic that was almost genuine ringing clear through his words.

Sighing, Virgil flopped back onto the ground, ignoring the slight burning on his elbows from sliding them against the carpet. He stared at the ceiling for a moment, arms spread wide and knees knocking together as he thought (he’d been doing so much thinking lately).

“I know, not exactly something you’d expect me to say, as someone with generalized and social anxiety disorders. But… I don’t like Roman, the way I liked Chris. With Chris, things were fast but they felt kind of forced after a while. I mean yeah, it was fun making fun of people with him, but he didn’t exactly stop at other people, or even me. He criticized himself, and I felt a kinship in that, I guess. I felt like he’d relate to me on my worse nights. I dated him more because I thought he’d understand the feelings because he went through them too.”

Remus and Dee looked at each other as Virgil trailed off, obviously lost in thought. They let the silence go for a minute before Remus got impatient.

“Okay, then how is my brother different than Crucifixion?” he asked, impulsively grabbing one of Dee’s hands to play with his fingers see how long he could squeeze them together before he pulled his hand away.

Virgil still didn’t look at them, instead choosing to smile softly at the ceiling and wow, if that wasn’t a strange look to see on his brother.

“With Roman it’s like… it’s like coming home after a long day of bullshit. It’s a huge relief, I get to unwind from my stress by focusing on something else that I enjoy exponentially more than talking to other people. Instead of overly stressing about how someone reacted to this action, or what to say next to avoid pissing people off, I get to focus on just being in the moment and enjoying myself. It just… feels like home, loving him.”

“Well, slap my ass and call my Lucifer, cause hell must have just frozen over,” Remus says, making Virgil freeze as what he just said sinks in.

“Well. Guess that answers that question, then,” Dee comments, finally pulling his hand away when Remus scrunches his hand in a way that shoots pain through the back of it, making Remus grin at him.

Virgil makes a noise, but Dee can’t really identify what it is, now that Virgil has covered his face with his hands. Granted, that really does nothing to obscure the way his neck and ears have turned red, and if Dee guessed, his face was probably just as bad.

“Remus, I think we should let Virgil stew in his words by himself now.”

Remus perks at that. “Oh! Can we go to the creek? I think I saw a dead squirrel there yesterday and I wanna see how much it’s decomposed.”

Dee sighed, but nodded, turning away from his brother as his best friend bounded out of the room in excitement.

Virgil let out a groan as he listened to Dee and Remus leave, noting the lack of the door clicking shut. Guess it was left open then, probably to urge Virgil out of Dee���s room faster.

Well… he may as well accept that he just admitted Out Loud to his brother and friend that he was in love with Roman. Not like it was information he didn’t already know, he just… hadn’t really anticipated telling them it was something beyond a stupid crush.

With a heavy sigh, Virgil uncovered his face and made quick work of getting himself off the floor so he could actually go chill out in his room like he’d been planning to do before he was ambushed outside of the bathroom.

Honestly, Virgil really shouldn’t have expected Dee and Remus leaving him alone after his admission would mean they would just leave him alone about the topic altogether. Especially now that it was his birthday, and Roman was coming over in five minutes and Remus was giving him a wide unsettling grin.

Usually, that wouldn’t mean anything. Except it was paired with Dee’s self-satisfied smirk as he swung his keys around his finger to entertain himself while he waited.

Virgil glared at the two of them from his spot on the kitchen counter (he’s gay and has anxiety, you couldn’t pay him to sit properly on a chair. Or in a chair regardless).

“What are you two up to? I swear to God, if it’s a surprise party, I will skin you both,” Virgil hisses.

Remus goes to respond, fully prepared to get into a competition with Virgil on who can come up with more creative threats, but Roman bursts in at that exact second, and Virgil slinks off the counter to go meet him at the door, shooting Dee another harsh glare over his shoulder.

“I’m here, Charlotte’s Web!”

Virgil couldn’t help the small smile that formed at the classic nickname, shaking his head as he stopped in the doorway leading in and out of the kitchen.

“Hey, Caesar Salad,” Virgil greeted, shoving his hands in his hoodie pocket and forcing his smile into a more lopsided smirk as Roman looked up at him.

Roman paused for a second, staring at Virgil like he’d just seen something he hadn’t before, making Virgil quirk a brow in question. Instead of an explanation, Roman just cleared his throat and finished maneuvering a large brown paper bag through the gap between his leg and the doorframe.

“Whatcha got there?” he asked, stepping forward to help Roman out by grabbing the thing he wasn’t struggling with--his jacket.

Roman glared at Virgil, who only smirked in response before huffing as he managed to get the bag through without ripping it.

“You’re birthday present if you must know, Gerard Gay.”

Roman was rewarded with a snort as Virgil turned back into the kitchen, gesturing for Roman to follow with a wave of his hand.

Entering the kitchen, Roman let out a long groan.

“Remus, what are you and Rumplesnakeskin doing here?”

“I live here, Roman,” Dee responded before Remus could, rolling his eyes.

“Yes, but you’re never here when I’m here, and if you are, you always make a quick getaway. You’re up to something, Jafaar, and I don’t like it.”

Virgil couldn’t help but agree with Roman, going back to glaring at the two as he hopped back up on the counter to get comfortable.

“Plus, you both have been giving me your evil plotting smiles all morning.”

Roman shuttered. “Oh yeah, something’s definitely up. Spit it out Dr. Gloom and William Snakespere. What foul deeds are you planning today?”

Remus snorts at that, pulling a recorder out of his pocket. One of those old handheld ones you see in movies when the main character needs proof of something that was said. Something he must have gotten from Logan.

Something he probably had two days ago.

Virgil froze, eyes zeroing in on the recorder. The next thing he knew, he was launching himself off the counter in Remus’ direction, reaching for the device in hopes of either grabbing it or making Remus drop it so it’d break on the ground.

Neither of those things happened, considering Remus seemed to anticipate Virgil’s reaction as he gave a gleeful squeal, leaping onto the table and holding the recorder high above his head, out of Virgil’s reach.

Virgil had no qualms getting on the table, but before he could, Dee stopped him.

“Virgil, that table can only handle so much weight, do you really want to incur both of our moms’ wrath by breaking the table when we’re only visiting?”

Roman watched as Virgil was clearly panicking at the fact that Remus had a recorder in his hand, gaze switching between Remus and Dee and Virgil as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“I don’t know what’s going on here, other than the fact you guys have recorded something Virgil clearly doesn’t want me to hear, but I’d honestly really rather you didn’t force him into sharing something he’s not ready to share yet,” Roman said, crossing his arms after dropping the bag on the floor.

Remus let out a loud whine at that. “C’mon, Roman! I thought you’d be curious to know what we’ve found out.”

Roman shrugged at that, looking to Virgil, who was currently staring at him with wide eyes. He met the look with a small smile.

“Yeah, of course I’m curious. You guys know I hate being left out of the loop, but Virgil doesn’t want me to know right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll never want me to know. And even if it does, I’ll respect that. My curiosity is not an excuse to betray his trust like that.”

“I love you.”

Roman blinked in shock at the words that suddenly left Virgil’s mouth, and if the surprise on Virgil’s face was anything to go by, Virgil hadn’t expected to say them either.

Silence filled the kitchen for a few minutes before Remus let out a resigned sigh.

“Well that just took all the fun out of this. Dee let’s go to the park so I can scare some kids.”

Dee shook his head at his best friend as he hopped off the table.

“We’re not scaring children again, Rem. The last time we nearly got kicked out of the park for good, and I know that one is your favorite for corpse hunting.”

Dee’s words trailed off until the door closed behind the two friends as Roman and Virgil continued to stare at each other.

“...I love you too.”

Virgil’s face immediately lit on fire, and he let out an embarrassed sound, but didn’t move from his spot leaning against the table, knee halfway on top of it from when Dee had stopped him.

Roman couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head.

“Was that what Remus wanted me to hear?” he asked, shifting to sit on a counter (a habit he gained from Virgil, though he was more prone to sitting in actual chairs, he sat on whatever surface was closest to him).

Virgil finally shifted his leg off the table, clearing his throat as he collapsed onto the floor, legs spread out before him while he leaned back on his hands.

“...Yeah. Yeah it was. Though the recording probably had a lot more embarrassing stuff on it, I doubt they only recorded the last bit of that conversation.”

Roman nodded, tapping his fingers against the hard surface of the counter.

“To be completely honest, I had my suspicions when you started flirting back? But I didn’t really want to say anything in case you stopped, or I was wrong.”

Virgil groaned, letting his head fall back so he could stare at the ceiling.

“Yeah, that started like a week after I figured it out. Remember when you called me mushy and gooey and I threatened your weak life form?”

Roman snorted. “Yeah, I remember. And excuse you, you’re the one with a weak life form Virgil.”

Virgil squinted at Roman then. “Roman. You’re allergic to cats. And chili peppers.”

“You’re lactose intolerant!” Roman protested, earning a smirk.

“Yeah? Do you see me avoiding dairy, Roman? I have chugged an entire gallon of milk, Princey. You really think something as stupid as milk inolerance is going to stop me?”

The bickering continued, them not really acknowledging their feelings beyond the initial declarations of love.

Which was fine with Virgil. They didn’t need to label anything just yet, and it’s not like Virgil was really into physical affection beyond cuddling anyway, so nothing really would change between them, label or not.

And if they held hands more often, or teased each other with pet names they didn’t dare do before, then that was really nobody’s business, was it?

[mollymarymarie]

The Marauders as Classic Cinematic Insults 

Sirius: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

“I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around."

 Peter: Frenchman, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

 James: Princess Leia, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

"Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder."

Remus: Wesley, The Princess Bride

"I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon."

[nyxeris-rose]

What the Fork? Ch 2

A/N: Well it’s ADHD awareness month and to be honest I have been having a real beast of a time these past 1.5 months. I still have not been able to be in the perfect mind space for writing lately. For example, I will sit down to write and half-way through a sentence I will start to hyper-fixate on trying to remember what Roman Numeral I had to write to when I was in 1st grade. Was it 1 thousand? 2 thousand? 10 thousand? 1 million?? Then by the time I get back to the sentence I was writing, I am so lost. Sometimes it frightens and discourages me so much that I immediately shut the document down. I will also just break down and cry or I will hyper-fixate on some inane object. I have had hours pass that seem to be minutes and vice versa.

Thankfully, I have been able to write more. Chapter 12 is out on WattPad and AO3. Also, I am now finally putting chapter 2 here on Tumblr. Read, reblog, tell me what you think… pretty please? 🥺

Pairing: Not disclosed to reader yet

Warnings: swearing

Word count: 1542

Chapter summary: It’s Roz’s first morning in 1981.

Roz woke slowly. *Gaahh, that is such a gross smell. And why on Earth is there someone in my bed?* Roz cracked an eye open and peeked around the room. *WHAAAT THE FUUUCK???* She started to silently freak the fuck out. *Not good. Not good. Not good at all. Wait, seriously who the fuck is in bed with me??* Roz was done being silent. Now was the time for ear splitting screams. Roz also lashed out at the stranger elbowing him in the stomach and kicking him a few times in the shins. For good measure, she also kicked him twice in the balls.

Tommy sleepily stumbled out of his bed. “Roz?! Roz are you ok?!” Tommy saw Vince on the floor groaning and clutching his crotch. “Vinnie, dude, did you seriously get into bed with Roz after getting home? Are you ok Roz? Did he hurt you or anything?”

“Seriously T-bone? I’m over here in major pain and you think I did something to her?” Vince groaned.

As she listened to Tommy and Vince, Roz became more alert and remembered where she was. “Mornin’ Tommy. Hey Vince, if I catch you cuddling me in my sleep again without my permission, I WILL hurt you. I will shove my wand up your nose and scramble your brain.”

Nikki stood in the doorway laughing, “Well Vince, I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you kicked out of bed by a chick. I thought you’d have freaked out a little less Roz, you know, being the time traveling witch that you are.”

Roz stood up and glared at him, “Shut up Nikki! You had me go into his bed and didn’t warn him I was there to… what? Mess with me?! Were you hoping that he’d do something to me in my sleep?”

Nikki rolled his eyes, “I knew he wouldn’t, and it was a fucking joke.”

“Not a very good one if you ask me,” said Roz crossing her arms. “Ugh whatever.”

Vince looked between Roz and Nikki. “Is anyone gonna fill me in on the babe from the future?”

“Watch it buddy. I’ve got my eye on you,” Roz stuck her tongue out at Vince. “Anyways, shouldn’t we wait for Mick in case he thought of anything else he wants to know? The less I gotta repeat myself the better.”

Tommy looked at the alarm clock, “Well it’s almost 11:30 so he should be here soon for practice. What do you want to do until then?”

*I wonder why I’m even here. What do I want to do anyways? I can’t always just sit here on my ass with the guys. It’s too bad that to get a job or anything I would need a fake ID or something. I know, I could be their babysitter and maid.* Roz snickered to herself at the thought.

“Earth to Roz….1981 to Roz, are you there?” Tommy said poking her on her right shoulder right where she had a giant bruise.

Roz tried to keep from wincing. “Um sorry I guess I spaced out there. I guess we should come up with some sleeping arrangements because I don’t want to wake up to unexpected people in the same bed as me. No offence Vince. Also, I’m sorry for literally kicking your ass outta bed. So, who wants to share a bed with a witch?”

The guys looked between each other. Just as Vince was about to try saying something, Nikki elbowed him and said “Unless we can get another mattress, you should get your own bed. These two goons can either share or fight each other for who gets the couch. Although, you could always share with one of them.”

“Nik seriously? I’ll just try to be at my girlfriend’s more often. I don’t want to risk my brain getting scrambled.” Vince shrugged and walked out to the living room.

Roz was starting to feel the need for some time to herself. “Hey Tommy, do you have another shirt that I can wear? I don’t feel like being in these shorts all day.”

“Sure thing Roz,” Tommy said tossing her a shirt as he walked out of the room.

Nikki just stood there with his arms crossed analyzing Roz. Starting to feel a little hot under the collar, she cleared has throat and said, “Um Nikki, I don’t exactly want an audience while I change.”

With a wink and a smirk Nikki left the room. Roz shut the door behind him. Roz started to think as she got her skirt and started to change. *Ok, seriously, Nikki was being a little weird just now. He didn’t act this nice last night at all. Maybe he’s just trying to get me rattled.* When she took the shirt off she saw that her whole right shoulder was bruised. *Geez did I fall or something when I blacked out?* Roz did her hair in a messy bun and tied the oversized t-shirt at the waist. Knowing how gross the carpet is, she decided to put her boots on. Once she was satisfied with her clothes, she walked out to the living room to find that Mick had already arrived.

“Hey cuz,” she said as she skipped in and plopped onto the couch between Mick and Tommy.

“So teen witch, I hear you kicked Vince out of bed. Good job kid.” Mick said with a small smile.

Roz laughed, “If he tries anything while I’m asleep I’ll treat him like he’s an Egyptian being prepared for burial”

Vince looked at her like she had 2 heads, “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that I would shove a white-hot poker up your nose and scramble your brain before I pull it out through your nose.” Roz was having a hard time not laughing at the look on Vince’s face. Taking pity on him, she conceded, “Weeeeellllll I would actually be more likely to punch or kick someone I’m not expecting to be in my bed.”

“So, Roz, what did happen before you appeared under the table?” Tommy asked turning on the couch to look at her.

“Well I was supposed to go to a Harry Potter convention where a bunch of fans get together. That’s why I was dressed the way that I was. My friend Katy was supposed to pick me up but she didn’t show up so I started to watch a movie. I was fiddling around with my time turner necklace and then a blue light started creeping up my arms. I couldn’t drop the necklace, or even move at all. Around the time that it was reaching my head I blacked out. I must have fallen because I have a giant bruise on my right shoulder. Next thing I know I’m under your table.”

“What movie were you watching?” Nikki asked suspiciously.

Roz crinkled her nose and questioned, “Why do you care what movie I was watching?”

Nikki scoffed, “Of course I want to know because it might explain why you ended up here of all places.”

Roz thought *I can’t tell them too much about it. I can’t cause some sort of time paradox or change the future. He probably won’t believe whatever I say anyways* She took a steadying breath and said, “It was a movie with a killer rabbit, French people flinging insults and throwing cows, horny nuns in a convent, and empty halves of coconuts. I was also trying to do some research into the classic physics problem of ‘What is the air speed velocity of an un-laden swallow?’”

Nikki snorted, “Well that’s bull shit. You were probably watching something lame and embarrassing, or something really important. Either way, you don’t want to tell us the truth.”

Roz snorted and shook her head at his response, “Of course you just keep on thinking that Nikki. Monty Python and the Holy Grail is just pure awesome, not crazy. Oh and, Vince, my full name is Eva Rozlyn Roberts. I prefer Roz. Also, Nikki decided that I am Mick’s cousin from Wisconsin. Any questions anyone?”

“Well Roz, that’s all well and good, but we might need more of a back story than that. We gotta have a plausible reason why Mick’s adult cousin moved from Wisconsin. Also, we probably should have a good reason why you stay here and not with him.” Vince said.

Roz thought for a moment then said, “Well as to the moving states, I guess we could say I’m recently parentless and that Mick’s the only family member I have. As to why I’m here and not with him would be his girlfriend doesn’t like me.”

“What will you do during the day?” asked Tommy.

“I guess I’ll help you guys with stuff around here. I would cook and clean, ugh I wish I was actually a witch; magic would come in handy when cleaning this place up.” Roz looked around. She saw copious amounts of trash, broken shit, and burnt cockroaches everywhere.

Nikki watched Roz as she looked around. He thought that she might be a little too tame at the moment. With a wicked glint in his eye he asked her, “What about when we party? Are you gonna be joining in?”

[ghost-chance]

Our kind of love is:

Chatting online during work breaks entirely in Monty Python GIFS...and understanding each other completely. "NI!" "This? 'Tis but a flesh wound."

Spontaneously glancing at Heiferlump at the same time and sighing in unison.

"How was your day?" "Meh." "Good kind of meh, or bad kind of meh?" "A meh kind of meh." "Ah. I'll throw a pizza in the oven."

Banter. So much frickin' banter. Driving people bananas with the banter.

"That sentence had too many syllables! Apologize!"

Rough day? Pants optional. Bras banned. Grab a butt-pillow and sit on the floor - furniture is for pussies.

"Ugh. These leftovers look like Minion-poisoned-by-nasty-jelly." "Would you rather Mikey-sings-Taps-for-dead-pizza?" "Don't make me go Hawkeye-starts-a-riot-over-spam."

Watching anime and eating cereal in our jammies like grown-ass adults.

"Remind me why I love you?" "I'm a sexy man-beast and I make you laugh." "Oh, right."

Never falling asleep without saying "I love you." Never going separate ways without a hug. Never wondering "is this enough?" without immediately realizing "bitch, please. It's everything."

"WHY ARE YOUR FEET SO FUCKING COLD?!" "Because you won't let me warm them up under your butt. Obviously." 💁

Standing in the aisle on the phone with me to make sure he gets the exact right type, size, and brand of pads. Complains to all nearby men about the injustice of "pussy taxes" just to watch them squirm. Upon return, he creeps past the bedroom, throws chocolate through the door, and runs away cackling. "THE BEAST IS FED!" "You win this time, mortal." 👿

Valentine's day is coming. He notices the date on the calendar. "Nope, you haven't been good enough for flowers. You're getting a dandelion, be thankful." He shows up with a big-ass bouquet of roses...with a dandelion stuck in the middle. It's probably from a sidewalk. It's fucking perfect.

"How did you manage to hurt yourself this time?" "...the fridge is an asshole." "...I'm putting you in a bubble."

One of us pets the cat, the other must also pet the cat. It is the law. 🐈

"Ugh. I don't wanna go to work." "Sorry Sugarbuns, the landlord won't let you bang on da drum all day."

Mutual venting about things that confuse and piss us off so we can somewhat blend in with polite society. "Whoever invented PANTS needs to die!" "Word." "Stanky perfume. What's up with that?" "Duh. It stanks."

Neighbors' impressions: "OMG, they're fighting AGAIN?! Just break up already!" What's actually happening: "HOLYMOTHEROFFRAGGINGFARKNUGGETS! WHAT did you EAT?!" "Heh. Pepperoni."

Good-natured arguing about who has the crazier family. (We both win.)

"Ass." "Butt." "Assbutt." "Supernatural marathon."

Always knowing that no matter what, we've got each other's backs...and one of us is probably about to slip ice down the other's shirt.

"OMG, EW! Why can't you just kiss me on the cheek like a civilized human being? I'm not a graham cracker in kindergarten, you don't have to lick me to keep someone from stealing me!" "But now everyone knows you're mine." 😜

Waking up from a nightmare to find he's already holding me close...and faking sleep because heaven forbid he admit he actually likes cuddling.

Seeking him out when he's been gaming too long, inviting myself into his lap, sprawling out, and staring at him. "Pay attention to me." "My god, you ARE a cat-lady."

So. Many. Freaking. NERD JOKES.

"I hate the world today. Everything sucks and I'm sick of it." "I ordered Chinese." "Things are looking up."

He considers having guests over. I agree. We think about who to call...then drop the idea and watch "Deadpool" in our underwear instead. It's awesome.

"Uh...honey...I screwed up." "...you're grounded from life."

He speaks perfect English; I can't understand him. I've got mush-mouth; he understands every word. How does that work?

"I love Porgs! They're so freaking adorable!" "Eh...no. No Porgs allowed in this house." He gave me a teeny tiny ceramic Porg that very Christmas. ❤

Things we can always count on no matter what: each other, plans going awry, someone lightening a rough situation with humor, and life will always be better together.

"My god you stink." "Well, stay out of my armpit, you won't smell it." "...I'm all the way across the room." "I'm not even home. Your point?"

PUNS result in "That was awful. You should be ashamed."

M*A*S*H marathons. Couch co-op. Board games. Binge-watching NCIS. Debating which actress has the best rack. Insult contests. Tickle-fights over the TV remote. Takeout so I don't poison us by cooking. Too little sleep for a too early day to follow. Best. Day. Ever.

"I can't do this - I just can't do it anymore! Why can't I get words out when I'm around people?! Why can't I just get my brain untangled and TALK?!" "It's not your fault you're wired differently. It's okay." "It's bullshit." "Yep. That's why I don't mind being your voice when you need me." "People suck." "Yes, they do."

So many sexual innuendos in completely nonsexual situations. "There's a hair on my taco." "Well, you say you like'em natural."

Our life is never dull. There are highs, lows, and everything between, but at least we're never bored.

"Love ya, Darlin'." "Love you too...crazy woman." "Ass." "Butt." "Assbutt."

[homestuckisautistic]

Epilogue Summary: Meat Part 2 (26-44)

OH BOY GET STRAPPED IN FOR THIS CLUSTERFUCK

26. Narratordirk is trying to convince Jade not to go through the black hole but..im guessing dead godtier Calli? Wont let him. Because shes still muse of space.

27. Calli is narrating too now and switches back to Earth C Jade

...O-oh. God tier Calliope is possessing Jade. They're basically calling Dirk out in how hes threatening all of reality with this epilogue.

-Living Calli can sense their other self in Jade and its scares them so bad they run

-Dirks text keeps getting smaller, hes being pushed out

28. In what is quite possibly the most ooc piece if writing yet, John says Monty Python sucks.

-ugh it talks alot about John finding Terezi cute

-Also shes starving. Like, literally ill

29. Jane uses trickster mode to give presidential campaign speeches ??

-Oh oof...theres this whole monologue on how it definitely isnt problematic and how shes respectful of those who think it is even though theyre very very wrong

-JANE: To imply that I am superciliously and recklessly stoking potentially dangerous cultural fires is honestly an insult.

JANE: I am guilty of only one crime: energizing my base!

-Oh lord jake fucks

-SO. Jane wants to publicise how he fucks trolls, and show that as bad, but refuses to acknowedge how racist that is.

-Honestly its wild how they think using the word xenophobic rather than racist somehow gives an edge if humor. Its the same fucking thing.

30. Ahshsjak Jane owns the internet

-Dirk straight up admits to puppeteering jake

-Jake agrees to back Karkat

31. Terezi seems intent in eating the entire contents of Johns dads wallet. Fucking superb you funky little gremlin

-God theyre really pushing the johnrezi. Shes actually being vunerable with him

-Apparently Terezi has really thick, feminine eyelashes. Thanks for making me want to shave my eyes

-Oh sweet jegus they kiss and WAIT DID THEY ALSO FUCK

Gross

32 uuugh Dirk keeps misgendering Roxy and basically says hes allowed to because nobody can hear him

-Daves talking about being not straight

-Oh so this is the Transphobe Dirk chapter

-Hes also straight up planning to assassinate jake

-Trolls are allergic to onions

-Psyche at the last second he fires a tranq at possessed Jade, forcing god Calli out so he can control the narrative again

33. I. Uhh. Yeah johnrezi fucked. Terezi likes it rough apparently

-"1 G1V3 UP ON VR1SK4" hmm.

-She agrees to let John try and retcon them home

34. Dirknators just abusing Jake verbally and makes him be in love with him

35. John zaps Terezi back to Earth C but hes dying, when English bit him he got poisoned with something thats erasing him from existence

-Dirks shitting on fans again

-Calliope and roxy knew john would die if he fought english

-...huh. Yeah, John legit dies.

-Terezi fucking capchalogues his corpse

36. I fucking hate this interpretation of Dirk

-Jane wins the election

-Jade has been in a comma for a month

-About Kanaya "The woman is obviously hysterical and needs to chill the fuck out. I mean, she’s hysterical because I’ve been specifically and deliberately causing her to be that way, sure." jesus fucking christ

-Dirk consistantly misgenders Roxy while acting "woke" about them presenting masculine enough that Terezi mistook them for Dave

-Calli refuses to leave the house and is painting weird gorey shit in the walls?

-Oh Roxy is using he now. And it seems Terezi is aware of dirknator because she calls him out

-Yeah shes talking to him directly now and hes trying to talk her into leaving again

37. So Dirk is kidnapping Rose to become a god,not telling her that Kanaya doesn't know, and brainwashing Kanaya to accept it

-Oh no you fucking bastard

-Hes making Kanaya believe Rose is abandoning her because Kanaya isnt good enough for her

-Yeah this is what pushed me over the fucking edge with this clusterfuck

38- he basically gives dave the go ahead to be an alcoholic

-Oh he draws the line at making people fuck. Oh well isnt that just so high and noble of him what a fucking saint he wont do a rape. Eat my ass

-Oh yeah no hes 100% comfortable with doing it apparently but dave can sense hes being puppeteed and resists it

-Davekat is canon i guess. Thanks for doing it in the most insulting and condescending way possible.

39. Jakes broken by dirk obcession but if course he doesnt give a shit

-Im skimming at this point because if the writers dont care about the narrative then why should i

40. Kanaya uses an antidote leeft by dirk to wake jade up

41. Another godamn ramble about how dirk accepts he's the villain but is right anyway

42. Okay I took a days break im feelin a little clearer

-jade unbrainwashes Kanaya and Kan is FUCKING PISSED

-Ghost Calli possesses Jade again, Dirk is getting ready to leave

43- the gang prepares to go after Dirk with Calli protecting their narrative...the end i guess? Fuck

Theres one final scene of the Jade that got sucked into the black home, with Aradia. She has new powers, and looks like she does when possessed. She summons a Dave robot through a wormhole she has just created, then passes through it with him and Aradia.

[returnsandreturns]

Mattfoggy (my phone literally knows how to autocorrect to that now...) 16 for the sex trope?

this one was, like, soft morning kisses turn intense or something

“We probably shouldn’t. . .” Matt says, when they’re lying inbed together a few hours after Foggy was put in an uncomfortable damsel indistress situation that led to an uncomfortable dramatic first kiss situation—uncomfortableonly because neither of them were expecting it to happen and they just sort of—fell into each other’s mouths. There wasno denying it was romantic but they knocked foreheads and noses and neither ofthem knew what to do with their tongues and it couldn’t have been attractive.

He went home by himself afterward, cleaned up and changedclothes, but that only lasted about an hour before he went to Matt’s placebecause he probably shouldn’t be alone if psychopaths are wandering aroundkidnapping people.

So, they have coffee and they get into bed together and Foggysays, less confident than he sounds, “Wait, did you think I was going to putout, Murdock? You haven’t even taken me out on a date yet.”

If Matt gave him the right smile, he’d put out in a second.

“You want that?” Matt asks, smiling. “For me to take you out?”

Oops. There it is.

“I want to be wooed,” Foggy says, even though he’d also liketo be fucked, kind of. He hasn’t actually done that and he kind of doubts Matthas either but—he’s had solo exploration and some thoughts. Perfectlyunderstandable thoughts.

“I think I can do that,” Matt says. “I already know what youlike.”

“Tell me,” Foggy says, curiously.

“Dancing—regardless of skill level.”

“I can’t believe you’re starting off the wooing process byinsulting my moves.”

“Sorry,” Matt says, dutifully. “Uhm. . .Mel Brooks movies, MontyPython, showtunes, classic rock. . .cheap wine but expensive beer. . .”

“That’s your fault,” Foggy interrupts. “You swayed me withyour craft beer hipster ways and no longer will PBR cross these lips.”  

“You’re welcome,” Matt says, smiling. “I think maybe I’d takeyou out for ice cream, though.”

“. . .that’s adorable,” Foggy says, hiding his face in hispillow. “Tell me more.”

Matt tells him about getting ice cream cones in the lateafternoon, so it’s not too hot for them to walk around the neighborhood withthem—how he wants to hold Foggy’s hand and let everybody see and how he wantsto kiss him when his mouth is sweet and cold and—

Foggy interrupts him with another kiss. Their second.

“Tomorrow,” he says.

“Of course,” Matt agrees.

*

Over the course of the next eight hours, they both end upgetting elbowed and kicked and Foggy’s pretty sure he almost gives Matt a blackeye, but it’s been a long freaking time since either of them has had someoneconsistently sleeping in their bed— nevertheless attempting cuddling, which isapparently a health hazard for them.

He still feels well-rested, though, when he wakes up with Mattpulling him close and pressing soft close-mouthed kisses to his neck.

“You’re still here,” Matt mumbles, against Foggy’s skin.

“Did you think I was going to ditch you after the promise offree ice cream?” Foggy asks, reaching up to stroke fingers through Matt’s hair.

“Once you came to your senses.”

Foggy’s always loved Matt, in one way or another. Now that he’sgot full permission, though—he’s gonna love the hell out of him.

“Pretty sure I’m the saner half of this relationship,” hesays, “and—I’m still here, Matty.”

Matt sits up to smile softly at him and kiss him on the mouthinstead; they trade cautious, not quite sure what they’re doing kisses, movingalmost awkwardly until things suddenly click. Level unlocked: Matt’s handsbelow his waist, hot shaky breath in Foggy’s ear as he squeezes his ass throughhis boxers.

“Sorry,” Matt says, laughing softly. “Couldn’t help myself.”

“Can’t fault you,” Foggy says, taking a shaky breath.

They’re both silent for a long moment before Matt says, “Yeah,I’m just gonna—” and rolls on top of Foggy to kiss him roughly, laughing whenFoggy mumbles, “Yeah, fuck first dates,” and grabs him by the hair.

[maevefiction]

Your Light in the Mist - One Shot, Been Shopping

As we munched our Kung Po chicken (Chinese food was a Thursday tradition at the office, I was informed by Gavin, whose face was bright red and sweating from the intensely spicy concoction) I remembered I’d yet to inquire as to what I was expected to turn up in for Phaedra’s event at the Cube Gallery the following evening. Simon’s chopsticks fell from his fingers, mouth agape.

“Do you always wait until the very last moment for this sort of thing, Maude? I thought New York was just a fluke because you had no idea you were going to Daniel…is this a pattern? I am tres disappointed.”

Using my entire hand, fingers spread, I pointed at the worn Lord of the Rings T-shirt I’d thrown on that morning. “Dude, does it LOOK like I put a shitload of thought into what I wear most of the time?”

He peeked under the table. “You wore those shorts Tuesday, didn’t you?”

I nodded emphatically, brows raised. “NOW you’re getting it.”

Shrugging, he swallowed another bit of chicken. “No, I’m not. Because you weren’t a total slob in HAWAII.” I kicked him under the table. “OW. Bitch. I meant that whenever we went out you looked beautiful…”

Leaning back in my chair, eyes closed, I took a deep breath, then spoke, softly at first, my voice rising as I made my point. “That’s why I’m ASKING. So I can make a valiant attempt at looking DECENT. And since it’s so LAST MINUTE, can you just maybe please, oh, I don’t know, TELL ME WHAT THE DRESS CODE IS ALREADY?”

Luke was smirking, looking back and forth between us as if he was watching a rousing tennis match. “Suit and tie, Maude. With plenty of leeway for artistic expression. My mother’s friends are…interesting.”

“Thank you, Luke. I’m sure I brought something with me that’ll work.”

Simon pushed himself up off the cushioned bench seat and reached out his hand to me. “Come on.” I remained motionless, looking up at him as if he was an alien creature about to attack. His head tipped back, eyes rolling. “We are going up to your flat. I will peer into your closet. I will determine if any of it ‘works’.”

I shot Luke a ‘what the fuck’ look, his half smile and shrug clearly indicating that my life would be simpler if I just went with it. I stood, reluctantly, gazing longingly at the remains of my lunch.

“Fine. But I just thought of the perfect dress…”

He crossed his arms. “That brown galaxy print?” I nodded, my turn to gape. Simon shook his head. “Yeah, no.”

“Why not? And what the hell, Simon? This is starting to piss me off…”

Both of his hands found my shoulders and settled there. “You already WORE that one. Maude? You do realize that this is a widely publicized event? And that somehow, someone…” He whipped his head around to the other staff table. “SOMEONE mentioned online that one Mr. Hiddleston would be in attendance.”

My head tilted to the side. Simon sighed. “Maude. This is, like, your LONDON DEBUT as a COUPLE. There will be press. There will be paps. There will be fans.”

“OOOHHHHHH. So you’re going all PR on my ass is what’s happening here.” I grinned. “Well, I’m glad someone’s paying attention. Tom’s woefully inadequate Social Media Director didn’t even notice it circulating on them there interwebs.”

Luke chuckled. “She’s not woefully inadequate.”

I sighed. “I can’t chastise you because you’re my boss. But I’m certain you sense my displeasure.”

We all laughed, and Luke stood. “I’m sure that after our conversation yesterday afternoon your mind is focused on other things.”

“Do you mean the quadrupled workload I managed to dump into my own lap because I had an idea? No. I’m not obsessing over that at all. Wait. You said focused. I’m not focusing on that at all.”

Simon took my hand and pointed at Luke. “Sorry, boss man. I’m kidnapping her for the rest of the afternoon.”

My head shook vehemently. “No you are not. I have SO many phone calls to make and hopefully interviews to arrange and why I am I suddenly not capable of dressing myself?”

“Maude, honey, you’re in a strange city. Our customs are unfamiliar to you. Let’s skip the closet part and just GO SHOPPING.” His brows rose as he finished his sentence, face leaning in towards mine and I realized he probably had an ulterior motive.

“Fine, Simon. FINE. Shopping.” I turned to Luke. “Is this really okay with you?”

He laughed. “I have to live with the man. A-okay.”

As we walked up the stairs Simon whispered in my ear. “Sorry, love. I saw an opportunity and went for it. Glad you finally caught on there at the end.”

I snorted. “I have no idea what the fuck I caught on to, but you SHOULD be glad because I was ready to kick your ass for insulting my fashion sense. Do I like to bum around when I can? Absofuckingloutely. When the occasion demands do I clean up well? Also absofuckingloutely.”

He shushed me as we reached the door to the main level. I grabbed my bag from my office, pulling my phone out as we walked passed a confused Lyssa. Simon went all Monty Python and yelled ‘You been shopping? No, I been shopping!’ as we headed through the door.

As I rang Tom’s phone he rolled his eyes. “God, do you have to tell him EVERYTHING?”

I smacked his arm. “Shut the fuck up.” Tom, of course, picked up just as the words came out of my mouth. “Shit. Hi. That was for Simon, not you. So. Hey. How are you?”

His throaty chuckle at my awkwardness made me blush. Stupid schoolgirl Maude strikes again. “Hi to you too. What’s up?”

“You know, I’m not really sure but it would appear that Simon is dragging me out shopping so I can find a dress for tomorrow night. At least that’s what he told Luke…”

Simon grabbed the phone away from my ear via my wrist, walking me away from the office door, stopping near the stairs closest to Tom’s and my flat and speaking as it remained in my hand. “Thomas. I believe have found the perfect dress for my maid of honor and I am taking her to try it on. DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell Luke. I want every little detail to be in place before he sees ANY of what I’m planning.”

I frowned. “So…I’m NOT getting a dress for tomorrow night?”

“Yes, yes, we’re going to find a dress for you. And some coffee because you are like…DUH.”

Wriggling away from him I pressed the phone back to my ear. “So there you have it. We are now participants in a wedding conspiracy. Apparently. I don’t suppose you want to come with us?”

I could picture his head shaking back and forth slowly as he spoke. “No, no…the two of you go have some fun. I’ll just stay…here…enjoying the peace…and the quiet…”

“How rude. So, shall I send you some pics…”

“Dressing room pics? God yes. Please.” A sharp inhale. “I don’t suppose you have five minutes to spare before you leave? Maybe Simon needs to put more gel in his hair or something?”

Simon shouted ‘I heard that you bloody bastard’ as I bit into my bottom lip. “I meant pictures of the prospective dresses for tomorrow. Just so you know.” The air in the lobby seemed stiflingly hot. “Fuck, is the air conditioning not working in here or something?”

Tom snorted. “Funny, I was wondering the same thing. One particular part of me is decidedly warmer than the rest, though…”

“Okay. On that note, we should get going. Because…”

He uttered a delicate groan. “Oh my, it got all HARD when I touched it…”

“Nuh-uh. Going now. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Simon made gagging noises and pretended to vomit on the carpet as I put my phone away, and I hoped beyond hope he’d ACTUALLY vomit all over his two-tone striped grey John Varvatos Mykanos Venetian loafers. Paired with white to-the-knee shorts and a grey polo that matched the darker stripe of the shoes perfectly, he looked as if he’d just stepped off his yacht and was in search of the nearest appropriately upscale men’s club. As I looked down at my own clothes, I came to terms with the fact that even if he’d used it as a ruse to sneak around behind Luke’s back, the man had a point about my attire. Just like Veronica had in New York. Shaking my head, I muttered something along the lines of needing to find some less fashion-forward friends who wouldn’t be so focused on my clothing choices and thus I’d be allowed to live a normal life wherein wearing the same shorts twice in week wasn’t a scandal.

“MAUDE, I heard that!”

“Good. Have you ever, you know, thought of dressing DOWN?”

He gasped. “And break rule number sixty four under section eight of the Exceedingly Handsome Homosexual Male’s Handbook? NEVER.”

My eyes narrowed as I suppressed a huge grin. “Well played, Mr. Ahlberg. Well played.”

He reached for my hand, squeezing it gently, his own baby-soft and warm with an underlying strength that somehow surprised me. “Come on, gimpy. You can make it to the parking garage, can’t you?”

“Yes, asshat. Let’s motor.”

We walked down the street hand in hand, our arms swing as he sang a little song about having me all to himself for an entire afternoon. I spotted Tom’s Jaguar, and totally lost my shit when Simon’s key fob disarmed a Fiat 500 L two cars down from it, its paint an eye-assaulting robin’s egg blue.

“Simon. My god. That’s…fuck…it’s so…YOU it’s not even funny.”

He opened the passenger door for me, one hand on his hip. “So why are you laughing?”

Which of course made me laugh even harder, and he finally had to come get me and practically stuff me in the vehicle, rolling his eyes the entire time.

We sat until I assured him I wasn’t going to pee my pants, then he put the Fiat in gear and exited the garage. Once on the road, he turned on the stereo and Alice in Chains began blaring…Grind, one of my favorites.

“Holy shit, Alice in Chains! Color me impressed, Simon.”

“Yes, my musical tastes expand beyond Rick Astley and Gloria Gaynor.”

I chuckled. “What’s the handbook say about THAT?”

“God. Why don’t you shut up and sing with me?”

It was shocking how well our voices harmonized, and as the song ended with both said in unison ‘oh my god, duet’ and discussed what might be appropriate for Emma’s HeForShe talent show until Simon drove past a huge building bearing the name ‘Vogue House’, then parked one street down.

I felt my body go cold and twisted around to face him. “Um, Simon? That Vogue bit…that’s not, like, VOGUE vogue, is it?”

A fiendish grin spread across his face. “If you mean Conde Nast publications Vogue magazine, then yes. Big giant fucking YES. But we’re actually going to see someone at Glamour, an old friend from college. Elaine Casemuir. We’re really just casual acquaintances at this point, but she used to come in to the Dorchester and I’d make sure she always had a great table, so this is payback. This dress…it’s just…perfect. I managed to score the Gherkin for the ceremony and reception…there may have been some blackmail involved, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Here, look.”

He handed me his phone, and my reaction as I scrolled the photos went from oh, nice to fuck me that is the coolest place EVER. According to their website, weddings and receptions were held on the top two floors of the most incredible steel and glass, phallic building I’d ever laid eyes on. I hazarded a guess that the Gherkin was a pickle reference, which was probably what most non-horny 24/7 people saw when they looked at. 360 degree panoramic views of the London cityscape, totally modern interior…glorious.

“Simon. Blackmail. WORTH IT. Not gonna ask, because…probably better not to know. And…”

“Oh please. You SO want to know. The guy who books events hangs around with us in clubs on occasion. He’s also sleeping with one of the waiters there who’s barely out of high school. His wife would NOT be amused if she knew about either of those things.”

“SIMON.”

“What?”

“You are so…so…WICKED. I’m impressed.” I patted his shoulder. “Luke is a very lucky man.”

He sniffled. “No, I’m the one who’s lucky. I want to make this so special, because it means so, so much to both of us…damn you, making me cry. Now my skin’s going to be all blotchy when we see Elaine and she’ll be all oh, Simon, your skin is horrid, darling and I’ll have to slap her. She’s a writer, by the way, and she also does a ton of photoshoot arranging. Which means access to designer lines. I saw the dress a week and a half ago and had her track it down that day, it’s a Valentino from the 2015 Spring/Summer collection…matches my color scheme of black and white and silver PERFECTLY…”

I raised a brow as I removed my hand from his shoulder. “Um, you ARE aware that I’m a double-D cup who barely fits in a size twelve, yes?”

Pinching my nose, he giggled before speaking. “I am indeed. It’s from the Ready-to-Wear line. And it’s a twelve. As for your boobs fitting…that’s why god made duct tape.”

“Oh, fuck that…I’m still recovering from body glue trauma…”

“AH AH AH, NO. Come on. Let’s go in.” He got out and came around to open my door, extending a hand to help me up and out.

I stood and closed the door behind me. “Yeah, yeah.  Wait…you only asked me to be your maid of honor last Friday…”

He stared at the ground, toeing one foot across the pavement, then glanced up at me sheepishly. “Correct. I would have been heartbroken if you’d said no.”

Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed his cheek. “Aw. Simon.”

“Mainly because the dress was a fucking small fortune.”

“Whatever. Let’s go before I kill you.”

****************************************

Elaine’s office was at the rear of the building, within the main Glamour office itself. She squealed when she saw Simon, throwing herself at him, her stick-thin arms wrapping around him and pulling his head to her chest. Clad in a red micro-mini and white button down shirt, her straight black hair was impossibly shiny and just brushed her shoulders, the white patent leather heels she wore causing her to tower over Simon by at least three inches. Her gaze turned to me and though her face remained happy-happy I swore I could smell her disappointment as she took in my state of dress. When she spoke, I was stunned to hear an American accent.

“Hello there, Maude. Nice to meet you. I’m Elaine Casemuir” She thrust her hand out, and I shook it, hesitant to grab too tightly lest I break a bone on her.

“Nice to meet you as well, Elaine.”

Simon clapped excitedly. “Dress, Elaine. SHOW HER THE DRESS.”

She rolled her eyes and released my hand. “Simon, you have no chill. Follow me.”

We walked out of the office and down the rest of the hallway to a light blue metal door. She unlocked it, entered the room and indicated that we should join her inside. It was vast, racks upon racks of clothing and all sorts of accessories strewn about. She teetered on her heels three racks down, turned left, grunted several times, then shouted ‘victory’. When she rounded the corner and held up what she’d found, I immediately turned to Simon, grabbed his bicep and spoke using my terribly inappropriate for this particular setting outdoor voice.

“I. FUCKING. LOVE. IT.”

It was floor length, a filmy light grey, very transparent with appliquéd silver stars of varying size, a combination of some resembling starfish and others the traditional five point star formation covering both the lightly pleated, flowing skirt and form-fitting bodice. And my lord, that bodice…the sleeves were short and just the teensiest bit puffy with a little ruffle ring at the bottoms, and the neck was…a V. A V that extended to just an inch above the two-inch wide waistband, and unlike the skirt, there was no underlayment whatsoever and no way to wear a bra so it was totally HELLO NIPPLES.

He grinned widely. “I knew you’d love it. You have no shame.”

I pointed my index finger in his face. “Mmm hmm. Let’s remember this is for your WEDDING. What are YOU wearing? Assless chaps?”

“Don’t think it didn’t cross my mind, Maude. My ass is spectacular and deserves accolades. But our mothers will be there, so…no.”

“Your mother will be there? I’m…shit, I’m shocked, actually.”

He sighed. “We can’t all be lucky enough to have them check out on us early, honey.” He paused, taking stock of what he’d just said, then frowning. “Damn. Too soon?”

My head shook as I bit back a roar of laughter, suddenly conscious of Elaine’s presence. She cleared her throat and pointed left, handing off the dress to Simon.

“Changing area is that way, and my assistant Diandra will help pin you up once you’re in it if it needs altering. If it does, just leave it and I’ll call when it’s ready. If not, take it with. I’ve got a conference call in ten, so I probably won’t see you. Lovely meeting you, Maude. Simon, you better invite me to this shindig or I’m going to feature you in the fashion don’ts column online.”

His hand flew to his chest in mock horror. Or at least I thought it was mock. “You wouldn’t dare.”

She smirked. “Try me.”

Eyes rolling, he draped the dress over his right arm and put his left hand on his hip, pouting. “Fine, you’ll get an invite. But bring someone interesting. You know, not your USUAL date type.”

“Simon, baby…it’s New Years Eve. I’m flying solo and finding someone at the reception to lock lips with at the stroke of midnight. Gay wedding, lots of straight friends, I’m bi…statistically, I can’t lose.”

She waved goodbye and tottered back toward her office, and Simon and I made our way down to the changing area. Though all the way at the rear of the left side of the room, it was wide open to the rest of the space. There were built in wooden benches littered with shoes and gloves and scarves, and the entire back wall was mirrored. We were greeted by a gorgeous woman with dark brown, luminous skin, huge hazel eyes and a smile that rivaled Tom’s mega-watt one. She was wearing a chevron print tank dress in varying shades of chartreuse, shoes that matched the darkest chevrons, and her hair was piled neatly on top of her head and wound with a silk light green scarf. She greeted us first, her Caribbean accent melodic, making even the simplest of words seem important and joyful.

“Hello you two…make yourselves at home, and if you need anything, I’ll be playing in the stacks. Such beautiful clothes…fashion paradise, right here and now!” She laughed, then began searching and sorting. I shimmied out of my shorts and yanked my T-shirt up over my head without fanfare, catching Simon side-eyeing me in the mirror.

“Problem, Simon?”

He snickered. “Oh no, no problem. Just admiring your speed and technique. You could use a little more finesse, though. I had to take points off for that.”

I reached around my back to unhook my bra. “Well, if you don’t want a good, long look at my tits you should probably turn around. Or close your eyes. Something.”

He turned around, then looked down as he passed me the dress when I was ready to attempt to wriggle into it. “You know, you could have left the bra ON. I was joking about the no shame bit.”

“No, I couldn’t have. I’m not going to be able to wear one with it later, so I need to know how it fits without. I see silver star shaped pasties in my future, though. Or maybe nude ones would be better…forgot about the parent factor.”

“Roland’s going to be in the wedding party, too. He’s Luke’s best man. I think he’d probably like the star pasties better, but I suppose I need to exercise some parental moral responsibility at some point, so nude is probably the right choice. Of course I thought of none of this when I saw the dress initially. I was captivated by the shiny.”

Laughing as I lifted the gathered fabric over my head, I had to pause to stop myself from turning around to talk to him. “You? Captivated by shiny? Nope, not possible.” I worked my hand through the armholes and dropped the dress into place. Or tried to. It got stuck on my boobs. “And did you say Roland is Luke’s best man? That is…the sweetest thing ever.”

Simon’s voice was thick with emotion when he replied, as it usually was whenever he mentioned anything Luke and love related. “It is. Totally Luke’s idea, too. I wanted him to be my best man, but Luke thought it would make him feel more…accepted, I guess, if it was the other way around. Worked, too. He was over the moon. They get along so well…it’s just…”

I swiveled my head around when I heard him sniffing. “Simon, don’t you dare cry because then I’ll cry and THE DRESS, dude, THE DRESS.” Carefully, every so carefully, I pulled and slid and tugged until the waist was where it belonged, reached behind me to zip it up, then tucked the girls into place before I looked in the mirror. Though a bit snug in the chest, it was essentially a perfect fit. I didn’t even think it would need hemming if I wore a two inch heel. A nice, chunky heel. Preferably boots with heels. I stared at my reflection, feeling like a princess from some sort of fractured fairytale for I don’t know how long, finally interrupted by the click of a phone camera. Looking up, I saw Simon behind me, taking shot after shot.

“SIMON.” I spun around to face him, any modesty, which had been purely for his benefit because I really DID have no shame, cast completely aside since he’d already seen my nipples, even if it was only technically a reflection of them. “The fuck are you doing?”

He grinned. “Just sending some pictures to your boyfriend. No biggie. You’ll thank me later.”

“You know Simon, I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY …” My phone dinged, and I bent over to rummage through my shorts pockets to find it. Text from Tom. Of course.

WOMAN, YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW. – T

Another arrived right after, before I had time to reply.

Okay. I counted backwards from ten and some of the blood that was elsewhere returned to my brain. You look so, SO beautiful. My lord. Just…a vision of loveliness. All that, plus intelligence, humor, everything…my Maude. I am a lucky, lucky man.  – T

Thomas, you’re making me blush. And Simon is SO going to bust my balls for it. :P –M

Fucking hell I just zoomed and…nipples…we’re now back to WOMAN, YOU NEED TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW. – T

They will be covered on the night of the wedding, I assure you. :P – M

Well that’s disappointing. :P So, when ARE you coming home? LOL –T

Still have to get dress for tomorrow. Probably two hours, maybe? I need to get this one off because for SOME reason I’m, like, all hot and starting to SWEAT. –M

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go recite the Serenity Prayer a thousand times now. – T

Actually, though, I thought I’d go to the market and get what we need for the weekend. Mum and Emma can’t make dinner tomorrow, so they’ll just meet us here and then we’ll all head to the gallery, then come back after to talk and such. Anything in particular you want or need while I’m out? – T

Ice cream. Chips and dip. Onion dip, preferably. And is there somewhere you can stop and pick me up an ankle support? I think it’s time to start leaving the boot off as much as I can tolerate…putting weight on the ankle helps it heal faster. Or so they say. Thanks. – M

Will do. Love you. – T

Love you too. I’ll try to stop Simon from sending more pics so you don’t get a stiffy in public. :P –M

Don’t need pics for that, love. All I have to do is think of you and…whoomp, there it is. :P –T

Now that fucking song is going to be stuck in my head. Thanks for that. –M

J You’re welcome. See you soon. –T

Simon was tapping his foot, patience wearing thin. “Christ. Remind me not to do THAT again. So. Get that off. We need to get to Anna and Browns before they close.”

I stripped and put my clothes back on while Simon requested a garment bag from Diandra, and she insisted on zipping it up herself once the dress was in place to ensure nothing snagged. When we reached the car, he carefully laid the bag across the backseat before coming around to open my door. I commented on his backwards priorities, and he told me to shut my pretty mouth and with that, it was off to Anna, which Simon said was in the opposite direction but closed earlier so that was where we need to go first.

Located nearly right across from Regent’s Park, Anna was a two story boutique featuring unique designer clothing…their words, not mine. Simon refused help from a stylist, opting instead to let me browse around like a cow grazing in an open field. Most of the stock was entirely not my taste, but I did manage to find a funky grey tie-dyed pattern long-sleeve T-shirt style dress, and Simon brought me a white sweater dress with black horizontal stripes. There was no way I was ever wearing it in public, but I agreed to try it on. Both wound up being meh at best, so we wrote them off, cut our losses and drove to Browns.

The Browns Flagship store was vast, taking up five repurposed interconnecting townhouses, offering all styles and types of designer fashions as well as accessories. Simon had to drag me away from the first shoe display we came across and into the racks…and there were so many racks. SO. MANY. After narrowing it down to three dresses, we traversed to the fitting room, where Simon waited outside for me after the counter girl cleared her throat when he attempted to follow me inside.

First I tried on a Givenchey short sleeve wrap-style dress, black satin, and as soon as I saw how the bunched material made my boobs look lopsided as all get out, off it came. Next was a Christopher Kane sleeveless bandage dress, totally funky, the dress medium grey, horizontal piping of the same color, with a black and white zipper running up the entire length of its front. The hem reached to four or five inches above my knee, and it was…tight. But in a good way, though I questioned if it made my ass look huge. Simon’s reaction shot down that theory when I walked out of the fitting room.

“That’s the one. That’s it. Turn. Your tushie looks fantastic. Woo! Now you just need shoes…”

“Hold on, cowboy. There’s one more to try on and it’s my favorite.”

He sighed. “But this one is perfect.”

I flipped him off and went back into my cubicle, hung the bandage dress back on its hanger, then tried on the Balenciaga black leather and silk dress that had screamed BUY ME from the second I saw it. The structured bodice was spaghetti-strap halter style, leather, with a sweetheart neckline and a silver zipper that ran from the top to the waist of the dress. The skirt was silk, airy, and lightly pleated, creating a gentle wave effect at the hemline. It was a bitch to get into, and I yet again had to remove my bra, but once I zipped it and adjusted the décolletage was unbelievably impressive. The skirt brushed the very top of my shins, just below my knee, and it felt like…ME. Though after San Diego I thought I’d never consider wearing them again, I knew it would look amazing with my Diva Darcies. I marched out to meet Simon, though it was really only half marching/half something awkward and strange because of the boot, and he gasped.

“Holy fuckamoley, you look like…like…I don’t know. Goth biker chick? Bad ass motherfucker? Dominatrix? All of that? I still think the bandage dress is better for tomorrow, but you NEED to buy this one too. It screams ‘dance all night long with Simon at Studio 338’. When you CAN dance again, we are SO going.” He frowned. “When’s that heinous ankle contraption coming off, anyway? It’s not adding anything to either dress, if you know what I mean.”

I rolled my eyes. “I am AWARE. And I have it covered, I think. It’s much better than it was, surprisingly so since it’s only been a week. Way I figure, if I can find a nice sturdy pair of boots to wear and combine it with the ankle support Tom’s picking up for me, maybe, just MAYBE I can get away without it tomorrow night. But…buy both? This one’s seventeen hundred bucks, the other is eleven hundred. How do I justify spending that on…two dresses? That’s insane.”

He tilted his head and pointed at me. “Um, honey, your man is famous. Wait until it’s red carpet time.”

Raising a brow, I shifted my hips back and forth, regaling in the feel of the silk against my legs. “Simon. Bullshit. Have you forgotten what I’ve done for a living? I’m not a total newb. Those are usually LOANERS.”

“Fine. I was just trying to make you feel justified. SO unappreciative, Maude.”

I snorted, then returned to the fitting room to change back into my street clothes. Simon was my dress donkey for this mission, snarking on the occasional pair of shoes as I perused the available selection.

“Yuck. Open toe, yet not open toe.” He held up a pair of peek-a-boo sandals. “MAKE A CHOICE, PEOPLE.”

All the boots were ordinary, leather, fold over cuffs, zippers…nothing caught my eye. Around the corner was another display, and I finally saw a pair that got me all ‘grabby hands shut up and take my money’. They were black, moderately shiny, semi-slouchy with eleven black metal round rivet-like buttons up the outer sides, zippers on the inside for easy on and off. The brand was Miz Mooz, the style Bloom. The clerk located my size within the space of five minutes, and when I tried the left one on I was pleased to see that they came all the way up to my knees. Simon nodded his approval, I took of the ped I’d been given, put my sandal back on and three thousand dollars later we were out the door and headed home. Simon insisted on stopping for coffee at Kaffeine, and though it was against my better judgement I ordered an espresso to put an end to his incessant whining about how I was so much less fun that he’d thought. When he chided me for putting sugar in it, I responded by adding more. It hit me just as we pulled into his spot in the parking garage, and by the time we got to our floor he was quite contented to pass off all the bags to Tom and run for his own flat as he yelled ‘good luck with her, honey’.

Tom placed the dresses on the back of the couch and the boot box on the floor as I followed him like a puppy, trying to skip but failing miserably. He turned to me, arms crossed.

“What did he mean by that?”

I speed shrugged. “Well, could be he’s fed up with shopping because I don’t really like what he likes, though the maid of honor dress, that’s, wow, but, like he picked out this stripey thing and I felt like Sailor Moon when I put it on but wait, she wears a pinafore or something so maybe it’s Twiggy, the model, yeah, it was really late sixties and though wow I’m SO not Twiggy at all but you know what I mean OR it could have something to do with…the espresso. Probably the espresso. Espresso.”

He smirked as he uncrossed his arms and closed the distance between us. “What on earth possessed him to let you drink espresso?”

Speed shrugging again, I reached out and began fiddling with the waistband of his jeans, untucking his white T-shirt from them. “I don’t KNOW. I told him already like three times that coffee and I are like NO, NOT COMPATIBLE, yet he was all ESPRESSO, you have to have some because if you don’t, so BORING and then he made fun of me for putting sugar in it but fucking A it was bitter and WHY do people drink it like that it’s NASTY…” I’d unbuttoned his jeans and had begun to unzip them when his hands covered mine. I looked up at him. “Wow, how did THAT happen? Seriously, I have no idea it’s just you’re there and that white T-shirt and do you want to fuck me because I really need you to fuck me, like, right now because all day long I’ve been thinking about you touching yourself and…”

His lips met mine, and I responded aggressively, biting down on his lip, then searching for his tongue and sucking on it vigorously, pulling away to stare at him. “Thomas. I love your mouth. The way you taste. Your lips, your tongue, what they do to me…” I dove back in, and his own response was first a gasp, then a moan, followed by his lip sucking trick that made me come instantly every single time, this one no exception.

“Wow, oh my god, Tom, I so wasn’t ready for that yet but I guess I WAS ready, ha, right? Will you do it again? Do it again.”

Three of my orgasms later, he was shaking with his own pent up desire, looking over his shoulder at the couch, then over mine into the kitchen. He turned me around, propelling me past the dining table with his hands on my shoulders while growling in my ear.

“I’m going to fuck you on the counter. Is that all right? Fucking you on the counter?”

I tilted my head to the left. “Fucking me on the counter. Yes. Yes please. I would like you to fuck me on the counter. SO totally all right. Totally.”

As soon as we rounded the corner he yanked my shorts and underwear down, and I kicked them to the side as he lifted me up and plopped me on the cold stone, my back to the living room, one hand on my jaw to keep me focused on his face, my eyes locked on his.

“Now. I have to run upstairs for just one very brief moment. You’ll stay right here and wait for me, won’t you?”

Nodding six times, I began swinging my legs back and forth as he bolted from the kitchen. “I’m still right here, Tom. But my poor, poor pussy…she’s very lonely, soaking wet, all excited but there’s no one to play with her…”

There was a loud crash from upstairs, followed by a litany of fucks and shits, then his rapid footfalls as he raced down the stairs, appearing in front of me with the ankle brace I’d requested and a chair from the dining room. He sat in the chair and began unbuckling the walking boot, slipping it off carefully as he met my gaze.

“Sorry, love. Your pussy is a meal that demands to be savored, and I can’t very well have that boot digging into my shoulders while I enjoy my feast, can I?”

“Well I was under the impression that you’d be fucking me, like really, really HARD and right NOW but…” I reached down and grabbed his head with both hands, pushing it towards my crotch. He pulled away, smirking.

“Ah ah ah, we’ve got to put the brace on first.” He pulled it over my foot, and as my ankle rolled sideways I felt a stab of fire within the joint that made me suck in a quick breath. “Sorry, love. Almost there.”

Both my hands gripped the edge of the countertop. “It’s fine. Totally fine. Do it. Just do it. Worth the pain. Worth it. Make it worth it.”

He tugged it into place, pulled the chair in closer, situated himself precisely, then placed my feet on his shoulders. His head was as the perfect height, face still visible to me yet strategically placed for…going down. As his hands pulled my ass closer to the edge and spread me open, his long, pink tongue unfurling, I realized that from my own angle, I’d be able to see…everything. He began at my taint, running his tongue up the middle, it dipping into my entrance just enough to make me push down on his shoulders with my feet and thrust my hips forward, then abandoning that particular ship in order to circle my clit, which he took between his teeth, then sucked into his mouth, staring at me the entire time.

“Tom. Tom. TOM. Mygodmygodmygod. Suck harder. Come on. Harder.” He ignored me at first, but I kept repeating it louder and louder until he complied, and I could tell by his eyes that he was extremely entertained by my insistence. I was not entertained when he stopped abruptly, though before I could protest I watched him stiffen his tongue and ease it inside me and suddenly, I forgot about everything else as my brain tried to process the visual of it moving in and out of me in conjunction with the way it made me FEEL. The moment his thumb touched my clit I began humping his face, him rubbing and thrusting furiously at the same time, and as the index finger of his other hand slid inside my ass I came, loudly chanting for him to fuck my ass harder and get that tongue DEEPER. It seemed I closed my eyes only for a second when I felt my legs moving upward, feet dangling over something until the backs of my knees hit solidity, hands on my shoulder blades and arms against my ribcage.

I opened them to find his eyes inches from mine, wild, pupils blown wide, my juices coating his countenance and dripping down his chin, his lips glossy with it. He grinned, the salaciousness of it making me shiver, and settled the head of his cock at my entrance.

“Now, Maude. NOW I’m going to fuck you. Really, really hard.”

His hips thrust forward as he sheathed himself fully, then began bucking frenziedly. I hung like a rag doll in his grasp, still limp from orgasm, allowing his pounding to move me until he froze, asking me to hold myself up for a moment as he first removed his shirt, then my own, as well as my bra. My legs still over his shoulders, he leaned forward, bending me almost completely in half in order to press his chest to mine, arms behind me and holding me up once again. His thrusting resumed and grew ever desperate, his eyes never leaving mine. I could feel myself nearing the top of another peak, the tension in my belly becoming too powerful to ignore, and I clamped down on him.

His eyes closed for a second, then opened as he fought to keep himself from coming. “Is your pussy still lonely, Maude?”

I shook my head, my hands reaching up to touch his face, his cheekbones under my fingertips, then his jaw, and his still moist lips. “No. Nope. Not. Happy. Full. She’s very, very full…but there’s still a little bit of room in there if you have, you know, a little something ELSE for her.” I released, then squeezed again, and again. His balls slapped against me noisily as he resumed his onslaught, grunting and groaning and gasping.

“Oh, I have some…some…something…for…ohgodohgod…fuck me, I’m coming, I’m COMING and COMING…”

I came as well as his warmth coated my shuddering walls, and he was so lost in pleasure that he let go of me, and I found myself looking at an upside-down dining table as my head and neck sprawled backward over the countertop. I could hear his usual post-orgasm noises, tiny gasps and chirps and moans, and as the blood rushed to my head I thought perhaps I should mention my precarious position but he took notice before I was able to form the words.

“Oh, fuck, Maude, my god, I’m SO sorry are you all right?” He put one arm around my upper shoulders, bracing me as he pulled out and eased my legs off his shoulders, then peered behind me to see if I’d hurt myself on the edge of the counter. “Christ, what a tit I am…are you okay?” He felt around with his fingers, and when I didn’t flinch he pulled me up so I was sitting, dribbling cum all over the orange surface beneath me.

“I. Am. Fine. Fine. And I think…I think the espresso might be wearing off. I’m actually a little…tired.” I snickered. “Could just be the blood draining back into my body, though.”

His head hung down, shaking back and forth, then lifted to pepper my face with kisses. “I’m so, so sorry about that. I just…I came so hard I couldn’t…I couldn’t see, really.” It was his turn to snicker. “Thanks for that. Maude Gallagher, supplier of orgasms so powerful that she jeopardizes her own personal safety in the process.”

I kissed him, tasting myself on his lips. “I blame the espresso. And Simon.” He laughed, and I paused, reviewing my vocalizations. “I was loud, wasn’t I?” He nodded. “I hope they heard me. That’ll teach him a lesson he won’t soon forget.”

Tom chuckled. “Love, I’m afraid the neighbors two houses down may have heard you. And anyone walking by on the street. And people in their cars with the windows up…”

“Yeah. Well. They should probably, you know, get used to it.”

He initiated the kiss this time, his tongue thrusting in to massage mine. “They’d better. Because I love making you scream. Maybe more than Shakespeare, even.”

“Thomas. Be serious.”

He grinned. “I AM being serious. And I’ve decided that I do, in fact, love it more than Shakespeare. Without a doubt.”

I sat, motionless and wordless, for a few moments. “How am I supposed to respond to that kind of compliment?”

He licked me, tongue starting at my clavicle, moving up my neck, across my jaw and up to my temple. “Let me make you scream again?”

My head tilted as I looked up at the ceiling, pretending to ponder. “You know what? That totally works for me.”

[samdukewieland]

Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 6

It was during this week that it dawned on me just how many movies I’ve watched since when I started keeping track of it. Then I got to wondering how long I keep this going-it’s kind of a bit, but also not one totally. I guess as soon as I go back to work and no longer spend my days playing PlayStation for hours on end and there’s no longer The Ticket to listen to for the day, that’s when it stops. Got real close to breaking the streak this week, which is probably the most harrowing thing I’ve been through in about 7 weeks (for the record, Week 1 was not documented as there was not much to document).

Sunday, April 26

Mad Men, “The Mountain King”, “Meditations In An Emergency” [Season 2 Finale], “Out Of Town” [Season 3], “Love Among The Ruins”

California Don Draper/Dick Whitman is a real nice sweet spot that Mad Men taps into this season, or at the very least it comes across as much more interesting than the adventures of young Dick Whitman. It’s, obviously, the most honest we see Don/Dick whenever he’s around Anna and makes you realize just how much work he puts himself through to not be honest to anyone or himself. But to see Jon Hamm go between both characters really knocks you back on your ass-Draper is a pretty surface level “showy” character display, at least in the first season, and I’m glad they decided to flesh him out now like this, by giving the audience something that isn’t so wooden or warn out (wooden is usually an insult, but take it to mean like a gorgeously polished oak table or redwood or something else you could stare at for hours). That ending with him and Betty at the kitchen table is an incredible showcase for both of them (I used to be very dismissive of Betty, but I realize now that that was super unfair and dumb of me! so it’s been kind of eye opening re-watching this and realizing that January Jones was/is actually really good)

Season 3 is probably my favorite season of the show, from what my brain can recall and it really hits the ground running. You can feel the energy radiating off of it (when they were writing it they had already won their first Emmys and were already looking highly favored to repeat success in season 2).

Plot Against America, “Part 5″

Beef House, “Army Buddy Brad”, “Prunes”

Three Busy Debras, “A Very Debra Christmas”, “Cartwheel Club”

People really underrate Adult Swim and Cartoon Network, especially when you find yourself with an awkward amount of time before watching something at a scheduled time. Just nice li’l 15 minute (barely) long episodes before The Last Dance, that’s nice. Also I think the last time I talked about Debras I compared it to Stella which I stand by, but I’d also throw in Strangers With Candy and Pee Wee’s Playhouse. So if you like that kind of stuff.

The Last Dance, Parts 3 & 4

Dennis. Rodman. The downside of these episodes is that they go fully into the time jumping aspects that it didn’t do as heavily in the first two installments. I also think they might play better if they ran right after the first two parts, rather than have that week long simmer. That’s like the most critical thing I can say about them, and it really just boils down to “I want more now.” Love that Isiah Thomas has no shame in being in the doc, despite just being taken to the dome by e v e r y o n e featured in it. Probably the best example of “no such thing as bad press”-it should be taught in business school or wherever agents go to school.

Monty Python’s Life Of Brian, Jones 1979 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

This was, somehow, a big blind spot in my Monty Python catalog. I think I very quietly went through a contrarian phase of “Monty Python isn’t that funny” somewhere in college, probably a li’l in high school too. It’s definitely been a thing I’ve been worried about re-visiting (I can’t remember the last time I watched Holy Grail, which I considered a religious text) and wanted to keep at arm’s length. That was very uninteresting and there is nothing at all interesting in me admitting that this movie’s really fucking funny; I was cackling when they bring out the huge stone during the stoning scene. The alien thing, while I respect in a purely “well, we don’t know how to get from this point to this point with it ‘making sense’ so let’s just go all the way to nothing”-stance, I’m just pretty allergic to anything Gilliam (I’m guessing) thinks of as incredibly clever. Life Of Brian: good!

Monday, April 27

Parks And Recreation, “Tom’s Divorce”

This feels like a very underrated episode of Parks, not in the conversation a lot, which feels like an oversight. I also just realized that it’s a Harris episode, so that could be why I am trying to champion it right now. Honest, I didn’t know until two minutes ago.

Mad Men, “My Old Kentucky Home”

Mmmmm. There’s an image from “Old Kentucky Home” of Roger Sterling that is still so shocking and I’m using a great deal of restraint to not post it above (because it’s super-duper racist), but I am still in awe that a buddy of mine from college used/uses(?) it as a cover photo on one of his social media accounts. IF only I could be so bold as he, or Roger Sterling in black-face. 

The Virgin Suicides, Coppola 1999 [as of now this is available on Prime]

Grew up in a pretty anti-Sofia household from at least one of my undisclosed older brothers. I was told very early on that she is overrated and not very good at what she does and I just never investigated to see if that was true or not until...well I guess last Monday night. Baby’s first Sofia Coppola movie, babe. Talk about a mood! I liked it, I think? Yer kind of a weirdo-guy if you really latch yerself onto loving The Virgin Suicides, but I guess I didn’t realize how much of the movie has Kirsten Dunst or the other sisters not talking before I saw it. Or that James Woods is a pretty convincing sad/quiet/weird guy (as tempting as it is to say that this is the last good thing James Woods was good in, the correct answer is Recess: Schools Out-maybe John Q ((I haven’t seen it.)) I wonder how many conflicting feelings Josh Hartnett inspired in teenage girls between 1999 and 2001. Great job, Sofia, sorry I’m late to the party and for the pre-conceived notions that were lodged into my stupid brain.

Tuesday, April 28

Mad Men, “The Arrangements”, “The Fog”

Attaboy to “The Arrangements” for giving Carla Gallo work (tsktsk for not finding a way to use her more). “The Fog” is pretty mediocre Sopranos karaoke episode; not great, but not as bad as I remember it being. The Betty being hazy sequences aren’t as long as I recalled them to be, so that was nice. Plus all the Gene stuff....man, I don’t know.

The Manchurian Candidate, Demme 2004 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Jonathan Demme is easily the most underrated director of his time, especially when it comes to shifting genres and putting such an overwhelmingly human touch to everything he works on. This is probably the movie that has the least amount of that, but it takes these wild swings and chances that you can’t help but respect the hell out of what you’re watching. It’s maybe the weirdest Denzel role I think I’ve ever seen, but he’s so good in it, but that’s just kind of the standard in Demme movies. What’s the worst performance you’ve ever seen in one of his movies? Is there one? I’ve never seen the original Manchurian Candidate so I don’t super know where or what this one lacks, but it’s so strange that it has made me want to go back and watch it again to try and understand or just watch the choices that Demme makes in this movie. How about Streep!

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Gives You A Piano Lesson”, “Joe Pera Watches Internet Videos With You”

I know I harp on this a lot, but it’s just so wholesome and I guess I’m just shocked that anything this wholesome could have Connor O’Malley’s prints all over it. I say that as an admirer of both things, but just can’t wrap my head around the two come together.

Wednesday, April 29 

Something Wild, Demme 1986 [as of now this is available on HBO]

This movie’s incredible. I knew absolutely nothing about it going in, other than it was Demme and Jeff Daniels (every time I saw the poster, my brain just registered Melanie Griffith as Catherine O’Hara, because that’s who it looks like at a glance). I was floored, I couldn’t believe a movie like this existed and I just hadn’t seen it (though, to be fair, I can’t imagine a person who doesn’t love Jonathan Demme going out of their way to see this in 1986, let alone 2020). And I’ve got some apologizing to do to Melanie Griffith after being pretty underwhelmed by her in Working Girl, I loved her in this. I also can’t help but wonder who has had a worse life (in the face) because of cigarettes, Ray Liotta or Al Pacino? If you want actual good discussion on this movie, I can’t implore the Blank Check episode with Scott Aukerman where they talk about it (there was also nothing more, personally, of a relief than hearing them talk about how it reminded them of a David Lynch movie and After Hours, thoughts I also had while watching, but am by no means enough of a Lynch-head or have seen After Hours enough to confidently throw that out in the open without someone else saying it first).

Thursday, April 30

Mikey And Nicky, May 1976

About once a year Criterion does a 50% sale and lately I’ve tried to take advantage of that (having a disposable income really lends itself to doing this). This was a movie I knew nothing about, other than Peter Falk was in it and ya know what, I really like Peter Falk. I wasn’t expecting an all-night movie, I was barely expecting a crime/mob movie, but it technically is. It’s about so much more: cowardice, male-friendship, our weaknesses and shortcomings as people, Ned Beatty being pissed about driving around New York City and getting lost. I’ve thought about it a lot since watching it and I’m glad that I own it and can re-visit it whenever I want.

Parks And Recreation, “Christmas Scandal” & “Special”

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Has A Surprise For You”, “Joe Pera Helps You Write An Obituary”

When you just look at these titles on paper (or screen, rather) without actually seeing them, it’s a pretty good setup as a joke. However, this is when the season and show takes a very melancholy turn that’s incredibly moving. (I think he might’ve actually lost his grandmother between seasons-very possible I have this wrong, I just know the character was based on her)

Friday, May 1

Mad Men, “Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency”

Man, this episode.This is an all-timer on every level; not an ounce of fat on this one and maybe one of the funniest things to happen on this wonderful show.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix or, uh, just Dark Phoenix, Kinberg 2019 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Incredible that people in charge of an X-Men movie decided an actual team that should be depicted in this movie was Mystique (team leader, lol), Cyclops, Jean, Nightcrawler, Hank/Beast, Storm and Quicksilver. I mean yeh, this thing is really bad, potentially worse than Apocalypse, because that at least tried to have a personality. Though the train sequence here does have some redeeming qualities to it, so it might have the edge-I couldn’t tell you a single set piece from Apocalypse other than Oscar Isaac’s beautiful mug being caked in blue make-up (lol). Also, I gotta admit, mad respect to Kinberg for the incredible bait and switch with making Jessica Chastain look enough like some kind of mixture between Cassandra Nova and Emma Frost where you’re expecting her to be either of them and not just a shape-shifting alien.

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Do Good Fashion”, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Pack A Lunch”, “Joe Pera Talks With You On The First Day Of School”

I obviously want more episodes of this show, but if there were ever a perfect collection of stories, it was this.

Saturday, May 2

Top Chef, Season 17 episode 7

Tough, tough loss for Eric [insert Tom Colicchio “there’s always Last Chance Kitchen”] who I really admire and absolutely loved last season, I wish he had not gone on All-Stars this year, gained a couple more years, polish his technique and come back on the next All-Star season and sweep the floor. No shame in this loss though, because half of the competition this week was pretty dumb, though this was good build-up for Restaurant Wars, which the producers seem to always have hanging above their head as fan favorite and they feel like they need to throw Poochie in there.

Mad Men, “Seven Twenty Three”, “Souvenir”, “Wee Small Hours”, “The Color Blue”, “The Gypsy And The Hobo”, “The Grown-Ups”, “Shut The Door. Have A Seat”

I don’t know if I necessarily advise watching 7 episodes of Mad Men like I did this past Saturday. However, I think you’re kind of hard-pressed to not want to just keep the tap going on this one. Incredible stretch of episodes for January Jones and a real proper introduction to Henry Francis, probably a character I should hate, but have a lot of affection for. He might be the most sincere character on the show, which makes him pretty endearing. “Shut the Door. Have A Seat” is also one of the best getting the gang together sequences/movies I think I’ve ever seen. This is also a real, real tough stretch for Don, humanity wise, between his handling of poor Salvatore and his dealing with Betty once he finds out about she and Henry. Great season, great stuff.

The Death Of Stalin, Iannucci 2017 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Despite knowing (possibly) an embarrassingly low amount about Russian history, I dug it. Felt like the joke was probably on me partially, because of how little I know about Russian history, but is that gonna make me not enjoy watching Jeffrey Tambor in Hank Kingsly form bounce off of Steve Buscemi, Simon Russell Beale, Michael Palin and Jason Isaacs (holy shit, Jason Isaacs in this movie)? Nah. Though, be warned because this thing is probably ripe for your cousin who goes out of his way to tell you stuff like “well Doctor Strangelove is satire, that’s why it’s so genius.”

[confrontingbabble-on]

Every religious belief system...is a complete blasphemy...in the eyes of every other religious belief system...and all are a complete blasphemy in the eyes of rational unbelief...

For example, as outlined by Atheist Ireland ...

“Here are the 25 blasphemous quotes that we first published on 1 January 2010, along with the quotation that has caused the Irish police to investigate Stephen Fry.

1. Jesus Christ, when asked if he was the son of God, in Matthew 26:64: “Thou hast said: nevertheless I say unto you, Hereafter shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.” According to the Christian Bible, the Jewish chief priests and elders and council deemed this statement by Jesus to be blasphemous, and they sentenced Jesus to death for saying it.

2. Jesus Christ, talking to Jews about their God, in John 8:44: “Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him.” This is one of several chapters in the Christian Bible that can give a scriptural foundation to Christian anti-Semitism. The first part of John 8, the story of “whoever is without sin cast the first stone”, was not in the original version, but was added centuries later. The original John 8 is a debate between Jesus and some Jews. In brief, Jesus calls the Jews who disbelieve him sons of the Devil, the Jews try to stone him, and Jesus runs away and hides.

3. Muhammad, quoted in Hadith of Bukhari, Vol 1 Book 8 Hadith 427: “May Allah curse the Jews and Christians for they built the places of worship at the graves of their prophets.” This quote is attributed to Muhammad on his death-bed as a warning to Muslims not to copy this practice of the Jews and Christians. It is one of several passages in the Koran and in Hadith that can give a scriptural foundation to Islamic anti-Semitism, including the assertion in Sura 5:60 that Allah cursed Jews and turned some of them into apes and swine.

4. Mark Twain, describing the Christian Bible in Letters from the Earth, 1909: “Also it has another name – The Word of God. For the Christian thinks every word of it was dictated by God. It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies… But you notice that when the Lord God of Heaven and Earth, adored Father of Man, goes to war, there is no limit. He is totally without mercy — he, who is called the Fountain of Mercy. He slays, slays, slays! All the men, all the beasts, all the boys, all the babies; also all the women and all the girls, except those that have not been deflowered. He makes no distinction between innocent and guilty… What the insane Father required was blood and misery; he was indifferent as to who furnished it.” Twain’s book was published posthumously in 1939. His daughter, Clara Clemens, at first objected to it being published, but later changed her mind in 1960 when she believed that public opinion had grown more tolerant of the expression of such ideas. That was half a century before Fianna Fail and the Green Party imposed a new blasphemy law on the people of Ireland.

5. Tom Lehrer, The Vatican Rag, 1963: “Get in line in that processional, step into that small confessional. There, the guy who’s got religion’ll tell you if your sin’s original. If it is, try playing it safer, drink the wine and chew the wafer. Two, four, six, eight, time to transubstantiate!”

6. Randy Newman, God’s Song, 1972: “And the Lord said: I burn down your cities – how blind you must be. I take from you your children, and you say how blessed are we. You all must be crazy to put your faith in me. That’s why I love mankind.”

7. James Kirkup, The Love That Dares to Speak its Name, 1976: “While they prepared the tomb I kept guard over him. His mother and the Magdalen had gone to fetch clean linen to shroud his nakedness. I was alone with him… I laid my lips around the tip of that great cock, the instrument of our salvation, our eternal joy. The shaft, still throbbed, anointed with death’s final ejaculation.” This extract is from a poem that led to the last successful blasphemy prosecution in Britain, when Denis Lemon was given a suspended prison sentence after he published it in the now-defunct magazine Gay News. In 2002, a public reading of the poem, on the steps of St. Martin-in-the-Fields church in Trafalgar Square, failed to lead to any prosecution. In 2008, the British Parliament abolished the common law offences of blasphemy and blasphemous libel.

8. Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath, in Monty Python’s Life of Brian, 1979: “Look, I had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.”

9. Rev Ian Paisley MEP to the Pope in the European Parliament, 1988: “I denounce you as the Antichrist.” Paisley’s website describes the Antichrist as being “a liar, the true son of the father of lies, the original liar from the beginning… he will imitate Christ, a diabolical imitation, Satan transformed into an angel of light, which will deceive the world.”

10. Conor Cruise O’Brien, 1989: “In the last century the Arab thinker Jamal al-Afghani wrote: ‘Every Muslim is sick and his only remedy is in the Koran.’ Unfortunately the sickness gets worse the more the remedy is taken.”

11. Frank Zappa, 1989: “If you want to get together in any exclusive situation and have people love you, fine – but to hang all this desperate sociology on the idea of The Cloud-Guy who has The Big Book, who knows if you’ve been bad or good – and cares about any of it – to hang it all on that, folks, is the chimpanzee part of the brain working.”

12. Salman Rushdie, 1990: “The idea of the sacred is quite simply one of the most conservative notions in any culture, because it seeks to turn other ideas – uncertainty, progress, change – into crimes.” In 1989, Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran issued a fatwa ordering Muslims to kill Rushdie because of blasphemous passages in Rushdie’s novel The Satanic Verses.

13. Bjork, 1995: “I do not believe in religion, but if I had to choose one it would be Buddhism. It seems more livable, closer to men… I’ve been reading about reincarnation, and the Buddhists say we come back as animals and they refer to them as lesser beings. Well, animals aren’t lesser beings, they’re just like us. So I say fuck the Buddhists.”

14. Amanda Donohoe on her role in the Ken Russell movie Lair of the White Worm, 1995: “Spitting on Christ was a great deal of fun. I can’t embrace a male god who has persecuted female sexuality throughout the ages, and that persecution still goes on today all over the world.”

15. George Carlin, 1999: “Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!”

16. Paul Woodfull as Ding Dong Denny O’Reilly, The Ballad of Jaysus Christ, 2000: “He said me ma’s a virgin and sure no one disagreed, Cause they knew a lad who walks on water’s handy with his feet… Jaysus oh Jaysus, as cool as bleedin’ ice, With all the scrubbers in Israel he could not be enticed, Jaysus oh Jaysus, it’s funny you never rode, Cause it’s you I do be shoutin’ for each time I shoot me load.”

17. Jesus Christ, in Jerry Springer The Opera, 2003: “Actually, I’m a bit gay.” In 2005, the Christian Institute tried to bring a prosecution against the BBC for screening Jerry Springer the Opera, but the UK courts refused to issue a summons.

18. Tim Minchin, Ten-foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins, 2005: “So you’re gonna live in paradise, With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins, So you’re gonna sacrifice your life, For a shot at the greener grass, And when the Lord comes down with his shiny rod of judgment, He’s gonna kick my heathen ass.”

19. Richard Dawkins in The God Delusion, 2006: “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.” In 2007 Turkish publisher Erol Karaaslan was charged with the crime of insulting believers for publishing a Turkish translation of The God Delusion. He was acquitted in 2008, but another charge was brought in 2009. Karaaslan told the court that “it is a right to criticise religions and beliefs as part of the freedom of thought and expression.”

20. Pope Benedict XVI quoting a 14th century Byzantine emperor, 2006: “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.” This statement has already led to both outrage and condemnation of the outrage. The Organisation of the Islamic Conference, the world’s largest Muslim body, said it was a “character assassination of the prophet Muhammad”. The Malaysian Prime Minister said that “the Pope must not take lightly the spread of outrage that has been created.” Pakistan’s foreign Ministry spokesperson said that “anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence”. The European Commission said that “reactions which are disproportionate and which are tantamount to rejecting freedom of speech are unacceptable.”

21. Christopher Hitchens in God is not Great, 2007: “There is some question as to whether Islam is a separate religion at all… Islam when examined is not much more than a rather obvious and ill-arranged set of plagiarisms, helping itself from earlier books and traditions as occasion appeared to require… It makes immense claims for itself, invokes prostrate submission or ‘surrender’ as a maxim to its adherents, and demands deference and respect from nonbelievers into the bargain. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—in its teachings that can even begin to justify such arrogance and presumption.”

22. Ian O’Doherty, 2009: “(If defamation of religion was illegal) it would be a crime for me to say that the notion of transubstantiation is so ridiculous that even a small child should be able to see the insanity and utter physical impossibility of a piece of bread and some wine somehow taking on corporeal form. It would be a crime for me to say that Islam is a backward desert superstition that has no place in modern, enlightened Europe and it would be a crime to point out that Jewish settlers in Israel who believe they have a God given right to take the land are, frankly, mad. All the above assertions will, no doubt, offend someone or other.”

23. Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor, 2009: “Whether a person is atheist or any other, there is in fact in my view something not totally human if they leave out the transcendent… we call it God… I think that if you leave that out you are not fully human.” Because atheism is not a religion, the Irish blasphemy law does not protect atheists from abusive and insulting statements about their fundamental beliefs. While atheists are not seeking such protection, we include the statement here to point out that it is discriminatory that this law does not hold all citizens equal.

24. Dermot Ahern, Irish Minister for Justice, introducing his blasphemy law at an Oireachtas Justice Committee meeting, 2009, and referring to comments made about him personally: “They are blasphemous.” Deputy Pat Rabbitte replied: “Given the Minister’s self-image, it could very well be that we are blaspheming,” and Minister Ahern replied: “Deputy Rabbitte says that I am close to the baby Jesus, I am so pure.” So here we have an Irish Justice Minister joking about himself being blasphemed, at a parliamentary Justice Committee discussing his own blasphemy law, that could make his own jokes illegal.

25. As a bonus, Micheal Martin, Irish Minister for Foreign Affairs, opposing attempts by Islamic States to make defamation of religion a crime at UN level, 2009: “We believe that the concept of defamation of religion is not consistent with the promotion and protection of human rights. It can be used to justify arbitrary limitations on, or the denial of, freedom of expression. Indeed, Ireland considers that freedom of expression is a key and inherent element in the manifestation of freedom of thought and conscience and as such is complementary to freedom of religion or belief.” Just months after Minister Martin made this comment, his colleague Dermot Ahern introduced Ireland’s new blasphemy law.

26. Finally, here is the quote that has caused the Irish police to investigate Stephen Fry for blasphemy. Asked by Gay Byrne on RTE what he would say if he was confronted by God, Fry replied: “How dare you create a world in which there is such misery that is not our fault. It’s not right. It’s utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid God who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?” Questioned on how he would react if he was locked outside the pearly gates, he responded: “I would say, ‘Bone cancer in children? What’s that about?’ Because the God who created this universe, if it was created by God, is quite clearly a maniac, utter maniac. Totally selfish. We have to spend our life on our knees thanking him? What kind of God would do that?””

https://atheist.ie/2017/05/25-blasphemous-quotes-in-solidarity-with-stephen-fry/

[thisisforthepixels]

25 Monkey Island Facts...

1. Guybrush’s first name came about from the game’s artists, who was using a program called Deluxe Paint. This program saved files as “brush” files. When designing the main character, who was still unnamed, the file was saved as “guy.brush” and a hero was born. 2. Guybrush’s last name, Threepwood, came from a LucasArts company contest. The name Threepwood is derived from a series of short stories featuring a fictional Threepwood family by British author P.G. Wodehouse. 3. In Escape From Monkey Island, Guybrush discovers that Ozzie Mandrill has acquired and renamed the Scumm Bar on Melee Island to the Lua Bar. This is a reference to the change in the programming language used by the developers, from SCUMM to Lua. 4. Murray, the talking skull, was intended to only have a limited role in The Curse of Monkey Island (the first chapter only). But he proved so popular with test players that he was given a more significant, and recurring, place in Monkey Island lore. 5. The inspiration for Murray apparently came from a talking skull that designer Bill Tiller bought at Disney World while on vacation. 6. In The Curse of Monkey Island, if the player takes the time to examine the crumbling hole in the Goodsoup Family Crypt, Guybrush will squeeze through it and poke his head up into the Melee Island forest. 7. Largo LaGrande, from Monkey Island II: LeChuck’s Revenge, was named after the town that Ron Gilbert grew up in – La Grande, Oregon. 8. In Tales of Monkey Island, Club 41 was named after the 40MB file size limitation of the Wii. The developers initially wanted to include an additional puzzle in the game but couldn’t fit it in, making reference to the 41stmb that was unable to be included. 9. In The Secret of Monkey Island, if Guybrush stays underwater for more than 10 minutes he will drown; a reference to his claim that he can hold his breath for 10 whole minutes. 10. In The Curse of Monkey Island, if Guybrush “picks up” the seawater at Blood Island Beach 26 times, he will walk into the water and appear under the pier in The Secret of Monkey Island, where he will find his own drowned corpse. 11. The man in the troll suit that prevents Guybrush from crossing the bridge in The Secret of Monkey Island is revealed to be George Lucas. 12. In The Secret of Monkey Island, Guybrush can examine a stump in the forest. Upon doing so, the game prompts the player to insert a number of fictitious discs. The LucasArts help desk received so many calls regarding these “missing discs," that the joke was subsequently removed from future releases of the game. 13. Guybrush’s middle name is Ulysses. 14. The word Revenge in the title “Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge” is likely a reference to an early name for Star Wars Episode VI, which was branded Revenge of The Jedi, rather than Return of the Jedi. 15. The insults for the sword fighting sequences in The Secret of Monkey Island were conceived by Orson Scott Card, author of the Ender’s Game series. He apparently received help from his kids in coming up with some of the more lame insults. 16. When Guybrush is stuck in the quicksand during The Curse of Monkey Island, there is a sign nearby with facts about a “Pappapishu Bush,” with pappapishu being a fictional native word meaning “ouch.” If the player read this sign, in all future instances where Guybrush is supposed to say ouch, he will instead say pappapishu. 17. If you type the word “skull” anytime during Escape From Monkey Island, Murray will appear on the screen laughing. 18. Ron Gilbert has said that he never intended for Guybrush and Elaine to end up together. 19. There is a secret code in The Secret of Monkey Island that allows the player to instantly win the game. If the player presses CTRL+SHIFT+W, they will be prompted with the message “Are you sure you want to win?” By selecting yes, the game will immediately end. You’re going to go and try that out now, aren’t you? 20. The Monkey Island games are crammed to the brim with pop culture references and LucasArts in-jokes. If you look closely enough, you’ll find references to franchises like The Terminator, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Monty Python, in addition to references to other LucasArts games like The Dig, Loom and Grim Fandango (which just came out on iOS by the way). 21. The “secret” of Monkey Island, as revealed in Escape From Monkey Island, was originally dismissed by the development team but… 22. The “real” secret of Monkey Island has never been revealed. Series creator Ron Gilbert intended to reveal the secret at the end of the third instalment, but left the company after LeChuck’s Revenge. 23. Monkey Island 2 was the first game ever to be released under the LucasArts brand, with previous games coming under the Lucasfilm Games brand. 24. At the end of The Curse of Monkey Island, a song duet called “Plank of Love” between Guybrush and Elaine had been written to play over the credits. However, the production team ran out of time to record the song. 25. Series creator Ron Gilbert would love to make a third instalment called Monkey Island 3a, which would ignore all Monkey Island Games after LeChuck’s Revenge. However, Gilbert would only make the game if he could acquire the IP from Disney. 26. As a special bit of bonus trivia, Gilbert has stated that if he could make Monkey Island 3a, it would have the following features: - An enhanced low-res retro art style - Be a hardcore adventure with no tutorials, no hints and no “pansy-assed” puzzles - A full on inventory - Released in boxed physical form - Dialogue puzzles - Full voice acting - He would rebuild the SCUMM programming language just for the game - Be made by a team of less than 10 people - It would not be the Monkey Island 3 that Gilbert envisaged some two decades ago - The press won’t get advanced copies