#octopus army

[skloobles]

please excuse me while i ponder bunnyville's political system. mostly based on me just having watched raucous caucus.

i'm fully of the belief that the mayor of bunnyville is just a ceremonial position put in to keep the public from rioting. especially considering there isn't any legislature (that we're shown anyway) and decisions are CLEARLY made without any oversight (see community service and charity).

there's elements of democracy there (like the punishment referendum in community service) but at the end of the day secretary octopus is the one who's in control until she resigns or dies or something like that. also if i were secretary octopus i'd think twice about handing power to modchi idk

also do candidates just REGISTER to run for mayor without needing signatures or anything like that?? political participation must be really low for there only to be 3 candidates

more on this - are political parties banned or do they just not exist? because all 3 candidates in the race ran as independents (probably). perhaps there's a sole legal state party that controls everything we just don't see. maybe mayoral candidates just aren't allowed to have any political affiliation. but tbf in such an image-dominated culture the lack of parties in the mayoral election kinda makes sense.

just some thoughts

[svrney]

[whipped-bean]

Autism be damned my girl can survive the ooze 😭😭

i gotta update her toyhouse ffs

[liffy-feelin-jiffy]

I may have a problem

[waywardsalt]

holy shit, I think I jsut now realized that Bellum is basically the primordial horror equivalent of those octopuses who borrow discarded shells to use as armor

oh that's a really really fun way to look at him

[flaminandgooo]

Some silly and very random headcanons because why not:

- Sam has a sweet tooth and is especially fond of Arab pastries (because who isn't?)

- Bucky is a terrible cook at first but quickly learns basics and teaches himself through yt videos and a small binder Sarah made for him where she put a bunch of her mother's recipes (including Sam's favorites)

- Sam hates spring because his allergies are in full swing during that time and he hates how itchy his eyes get. Bucky hates winter for... obvious reasons

- Bucky emanates about as much heat as a tiny heater which means Sam goes full octopus on him during winter nights

- This one is heavily reliant on the fact that Sam is multilingual in canon: Sam has an ease for learning languages, always had, and already spoke 4 pretty much fluently by the time he was enrolling in the army (English, Cajun French, Spanish and regular French). He taught himself another 3 during his time in the army (Arabic, Italian, Japanese)

- Sam's favorite color is orange and close second is green, don't fight me on this

- Bucky is a bookworm and has the annoying habit of piling his books into very unstable towers in the most random places, like the top of the fridge. Sam named the kitchen a no-book zone after nearly having one of Bucky's book-towers fall into his pot of gumbo while he was cooking

- One time when he was in middle school, Sam rescued a little robin and brought it home to nurse it back to health (gave his parents puppy eyes until they agreed). He grew very attached to it and named it Redwing. That's where the name comes from

That's it. For now 👀✨️

[rassicas]

I've gotten a hold of a very rare issue of Nintendo Dream from October 2017, containing an interview with the Splatoon developers. like seriously, i hadn't seen any documentation of this anywhere. HUGE huge thanks to @squidhominid, who spent Too Much Money to buy a copy and scan it!! Since a lot of it is formatted in blurbs like what's pictured above, I'd been unsure how to organize and share translations...I've decided I will gradually share snippets of it like so and compile it all later. Please be patient. Translation under the cut.

In relation to the characters from Story Mode The Rule-abiding Octarian Army

---Is Octavio a DJ and a general? Inoue: Well, his name is General DJ Octavio (laughs). He commands the Octarian army, so naturally he's a general. [[TN: Octavio's JP name includes "General" rather than just "DJ Octavio" like in english.]] ---Going off of that, there are other ranks, right? Amano: That's right. The Octarians as a species act seriously, so if they didn't have ranks they wouldn't be able to work properly. (laughs) Inoue: Originally, we made Octavio as a character as a pair to Cap'n Cuttlefish on the Inkling's side. Now as for why Octavio is an octopus that holds wasabi sticks... the act of "grating" wasabi made us think of "scratching", and "scratching" made us think of "DJ"...So he came to be both a general and a DJ. [[TN: takowasa, or octopus and wasabi paired together, is a popular izakaya snack. Same goes for atarime, (cuttlefish's JP name) dried squid. It's supposed to be like a snack showdown.]] Nogami: The Octarians are led by music. Octavio makes his own music to control them. Inoue: The music tells them to move and work according to the rules (laughs). ---So, for him as a general, is the music just for controlling the Octarians? Or does he enjoy it? Amano: It is for leadership, with that 'duntz duntz' sort of tempo. So I think for him, he sees the popularity and influence of the Squid Sisters as something that has a military-like controlling power. ---Is Cap'n Cuttlefish unable to turn into squid form, and can Octavio not turn into humanoid form? Amano: Cuttlefish can probably transform and produce some ink, but not like he could in his younger years. It's like when your grandpa says he's gonna do a squat, and he can kind of do it, but not really... it's like that. Inoue: Octavio became unable to take on his humanoid form due to an injury he got long ago. In a Sunken Scroll in S1, you can see a figure who appears to be Octavio before he was injured.

[[TN: This has to be the true origin to the information of Octavio being unable to take on humanoid form! I was troubled by the fact that when this info was brought up by the writers of nintendo dream in that 2018 issue in a way that made it sound like obvious information, they didn't say when or where they heard it...but this is it.]]

[realhotgirlshitah]

Luigi getting all guilty from fucking you in front of your army of Jellycats… this is so personal to me

You lie sprawled across your bed, clad in nothing but a silk robe barely clinging to your curves. The soft glow of your bedroom lamp casts warm light over the room, illuminating the collection of Jellycat plushies neatly arranged on your shelves, bed, and nightstand. They’re cute—comforting even—but the man standing at the foot of your bed looks anything but.

Luigi Mangione looms over you, broad and imposing, dark curls slightly disheveled from where you’d been tugging at them earlier. His sharp, knowing smirk tells you exactly what’s about to happen, and the way his gaze flickers over your body, from your bare legs to the inviting dip of your robe, makes your stomach tighten with anticipation.

“You sure about this, principessa?” His voice is low, teasing, edged with something dark.

You roll your eyes, already tired of his cocky attitude. “Just shut up and do it, Mangione.”

His smirk widens, and within seconds, he’s on you. His hands—big, rough, and burning hot against your skin—push your thighs apart as he drags you to the edge of the bed. His lips find your neck, nipping at the sensitive spot just below your ear, making you shudder.

“Impatient little thing,” he murmurs, fingers slipping beneath your robe, tracing over the swell of your breasts before sliding lower.

Your breath hitches as he spreads you open with ease, teasing, taunting, making you squirm. And when he finally, finally gives you what you want, you let out a moan that has his smirk faltering into something darker, hungrier.

“Fuck, you’re dripping already,” he groans, voice thick with lust.

You try to bite back a whimper as he teases you, but you’re too far gone. His fingers curl inside you, slow at first, then quicker, relentless. Your back arches off the bed, and just as you’re about to fall apart, he pulls away, leaving you panting.

You barely have time to protest before he’s flipping you onto your stomach, pressing you into the mattress. His lips brush your ear as he lines himself up, and then—

He slams into you.

A sharp cry escapes your lips, your fingers digging into the sheets as he stretches you open. He doesn’t wait, doesn’t give you time to adjust—he just grips your hips and pounds into you like he owns you.

“You feel so fucking good,” he growls, voice strained, as he thrusts harder, deeper.

Your bed creaks beneath you, and for a moment, your hazy gaze flickers to the plushies sitting on your nightstand, their little beady eyes staring right at you.

Luigi notices.

With a frustrated groan, he reaches out, grabbing the nearest one—a soft, round jellycat frog—and turns it around, then does the same with a stuffed octopus, its little face now facing the wall.

That’s when you start giggling, despite the way he’s currently splitting you open.

“You—oh my God, you’re turning them around?” you manage between moans.

He glares at you, jaw clenching. “I’m not about to have these creepy little things watching me destroy you.”

Your laughter only fuels him. With a growl, he pulls out and flips you onto all fours before slamming back in, harder this time, deeper. His hand cracks against your ass, making you gasp.

“Still wanna laugh, huh?” His voice is pure sin as he grips your waist, snapping his hips forward, burying himself inside you over and over again.

You try to form words, but all that comes out are whimpers and breathless moans.

“That’s what I thought,” he taunts, voice ragged as he fucks you into the mattress.

The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the room, mixed with the creak of the bed and your breathless cries. He keeps one hand on your hip while the other presses against the small of your back, forcing you down as he drills into you.

“Look at you,” he grunts. “Taking it so fucking well.”

Your walls clench around him, drawing a deep groan from his lips. You’re close—you can feel it, the heat pooling low in your stomach, the pressure building.

Luigi feels it too. His fingers slip between your legs, circling your clit in quick, precise movements.

“Come for me, principessa,” he orders, voice rough. “Now.”

It takes nothing more than a few more thrusts before you fall apart, your body trembling beneath him as pleasure washes over you. Your cries are muffled by the sheets, but Luigi isn’t satisfied just yet. He keeps going, chasing his own release, his grip on your hips tightening.

A few more rough thrusts, and he’s gone, a deep, broken moan leaving his lips as he spills inside you. His forehead presses against your back as he comes down from his high, breathing heavy.

For a long moment, neither of you speak. Then—

“You’re such a loser,” you murmur, still breathless. “Turning my Jellycats around like they’re judging you.”

Luigi groans, flopping onto the bed beside you. “Shut the fuck up.”

You giggle, curling into his side, and even though he pretends to be annoyed, his arm still drapes over your waist, pulling you closer.

A/N: yeah idk what this is lol I was bored and horny with a 15 minute work break, a brand new jellycat on my arm and a dream LMAOOOOOO

[dr-spectre]

Oh man, i sure do love when I'm minding my own business and out of nowhere I get hit with the "Octavio is a pervert because he only has women in his army and he dresses them up in revealing clothing" take. And then that take bleeds into Hypno Callie because OF COURSE IT DOES!!!!

First, that take fails to mention that Octavio also has these fuckers in his army too. You don't see the Flooders or Octopods with octopus tattoos and bikinis now do ya?

Second, the "revealing" Octoling outfits are probably just a cultural thing within Octarian society. And it applies to both male and female Octolings as seen with Agent 8. Even the men expose the midriff.

Also, other Octoling characters like Marina and Acht have very similar fashion even when they aren't in Octavio's army anymore. Octarians just reveal more skin than Inklings, simple as is. The developers probably wanted to show the contrast between Inklings and Octarians, and their culture and fashion are some of those ways to show their differences.

It also explains why Callie looks the way she does in Octo Canyon. She wants to fit into Octarian society.

It's not because Octavio is some creep who kidnaps young women and forces them to wear revealing outfits against their fucking consent and knowledge.

The only sexual thing on Octavio's mind IS THIS GUY!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!!

You think Octavio wants girls? No, he only wants MEN!!! Why do you think he tied up Cuttlefish eh? Exactly. He's a freak. Get it right guys. Goodness. /j

[blood-and-pizza]

MORE screenshots, because these posts apparently have an image limit. (SPOILERS FOR SECRET OF THE MIMIC BELOW)

A little hideout where The Mimic spends his time...

A parade float of Jugband Monty.

A Jugband Monty water game... anyone from the 80's and 90's remember Waterfuls from Milton-Bradley!? Because I sure did when I saw this!

I can't believe they managed to make Moon simultaneously more goofy AND more terrifying. And his jumpscare? He's so BRIGHT! He also has a lovely singing voice for crooning lullabies...

A portrait of Mr. Helpful, husband of Mrs. Helpful and the avatar of Edwin Murray. Edwin and Fiona are Mr. and Mrs. Helpful... the characters they created together are their children as much as David is.

A close-up of Jugband Hippo.

Edwin Murray's debt... apparently this guy has taken out 11 loans...

A poster for Mystic Hippo.

Nurse Dollie! She runs a recycling center themed around a doll hospital. She was meant to replace all the human workers in that department. She is meant to move on a rail. This might sound crazy, but I think I found my new robot wife. Dollie is oddly adorable!

A progress chart for the building of parade floats. Listed are Fazbear Entertainment, City Council, Mercedes' Nursery, and Construction Union Local 21.

The toy phone from FNAF4. Hmm, I wonder what this guy's doing here...?

Posters of Jackie and The Mycellium Men. And before you ask...

Yes, the Mycellium Men have a misspelling in their name, as confirmed by this work report. Just one sign that Edwin's creations never turn out quite right...

Rocktapus, a drummer octopus animatronic. Captain Springlock and First Mate Puppet Foxy has to deal with this character as an antagonist sometimes. Rockatpus sounds like a stereotypical hippie when he speaks... I wish I got to hear more of him, he was fun!

A dance poster of Sharpay the poodle... at least I think it's Sharpay. She has different colors here, but a lot of the costumes at the manor have various recolors, so...

A Ranger knife... I'm sorry, but I hate this thing. It's a crappy version of a Swiss Army Knife. Disgusting.

I think these are called Star Orphans? The light-up ones have a specific name but I can't remember it.

Swing Bee... mascot of Swing Bee Honey. I hate this thing. This is the worst character Edwin made. To hell with this thing!!

There were many geese in the manor, including this tortured-looking one. Apparently, these are a tribute to @/kathegoose, the biggest fan of The Mimic I have ever seen. I admire them.

A trolley character... it's creepy.

A unicorn... Stanley, maybe?

Blueprints for a pig character from the beginning of the game. He doesn't appear to have a name...

I have a special group of screenshots devoted to Chica to show you guys next... get ready for a surprise!

[maybeitsapineapple]

Astonishing Things: The Drawings of Victor Hugo

Back to hugoposting. Some things I thought were cool from the exhibit:

The Art Lover, 1834. He did caricatures at parties and sometimes left them on his kids’ beds while they were sleeping, which is just fucking cute.

A Visiting Card For The New Year, Guernsey, 1 January 1856. He had a penchant for putting his name/initials completely unmissably in the foreground.

The Shade of the Manchineel Tree (Notes from a Trip to the Pyrenees and Spain), 1856. Manchineel trees are mentioned in LM 2.2.3 — “You must not go to sleep, either in the shadow of a manchineel tree, or in the shadow of an army.”

Ship in a Storm, 1875. I just love how small the ship is. There’s a lot about ships in Les Mis, and in the same chapter as above he describes the absolute powerlessness of a ship against the immensity of the ocean, and you can really fucking see that in this picture.

The Bowels of Leviathan, 1866. Hugo did not come up with this title, which is taken from the title of LM 5.2. Anyway. Sewers.

From Les Travailleurs de la Mer (The Toilers of the Sea).

Octopus and slightly more hench Octopus, 1864-69.

Ecce Lex, 1854. ‘Behold the Law’, inspired by the execution of the murderer John Tapner, which Hugo had attempted to prevent.

The Town of Vianden Seen through a Spider’s Web, 1871. A really cool framing device. Hugo loves the interplay between the minute and the immense.

[pad-wubbo]

SPLATOON MEGA CRACKPOT THEORY: AGENT 8 NEVER EXISTED BEFORE OCTO EXPANSION AND TARTAR IS THEIR MOTHER

No, seriously. I was just looking at a picture of Octo Expansion's character select.

Eight is floating around, naked, in a vat of sanitized ink. The ink conveniently obscures their little octopus genitals, but why are they floating in a vat of sanitized ink?

(For best results, listen to Who Am I? from Final Fantasy VII while reading this post https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfRNQleP2bw)

We know from the level Belly Phase that being submerged in sanitized ink, like any other foreign liquid, splats an Octoling to death by inundating and bursting their body.

We know from the level Fake Plastic Station and many levels after it that a regular Octoling being newly sanitized only involves the use of an IV drip, not submerging the whole body in ink.

I therefore deduce that Eight must be floating in sanitized ink because they're about to be printed, born from it.

What other evidence do I have? Well, it's the mem cakes.

The mem cakes you win for completing tests in Octo Expansion are apparently Agent 8's memories.

Agent 8; however, was supposedly in the Octarian Army before joining Kamabo Co.

The Octarian Army are trapped underground. That's why they steal Zapfish in the first place. Agent 8 has never visited the surface world, yet they have memories of the Inkopolis shopkeepers anyway.

This means at least some of Agent 8's memories are not their own. In turn, "Agent 8" is the composite of multiple minds in one body.

The only way to reconcile Agent 8 having memories of the Octarian Army and the surface world is that Agent 8's narrative of having had a single, consistent life is false and they are an amalgamate.

There were Octolings at one point with these memories separately, they got blended into their raw ink form and fused into Eight.

Also, recall that Seita Inoue interview from 2018. He says Agent 8 is designed to be "around 14" physically. The Octoling soldiers have to be at least 14 years old to assume their adult/human forms.

Agent 8, meanwhile remembers watching Agent 3 fight DJ Octavio two years ago.

If Inoue is not simply mistaken, Agent 8 would have been 12 years old then (a wiggly, goopy, Paul-ish octopus), and they would not be a functional soldier, and thus have no reason to be on Octavio's UFO.

Note this Sunken Scroll, where Marina and some other Octarians are watching Three and Octavio's fighting concert. All of the spectators are soldiers, whether Octolings or single tentacles.

I must conclude, then, that Eight's defining memory of Three that inspired them. their "Inner Agent 3", is somebody else's memory; the memory of a soldier who did watch Agent 3 before at some point between Splatoon 1 and 2, collecting the thangs and blending themselves into goo.

I can only assume that Tartar literally created Agent 8, as the "supreme DNA", the sum of all its blending experiments, the sum of all knowledge, the blueprint for a new world devoid of individuality and thus devoid of conflict.

This is why Tartar is shocked that #10,008 would escape the blender after willingly entering it. Tartar printed out #10,008 specifically for the purpose of solving tests, finding thangs, blending themselves up, inviting more people to blend themselves up until everyone in the world is part of Tartar's sentient mint toothpaste clusterfuck.

As Tartar gave birth to Agent 8, this makes Tartar Agent 8's mother.

The Telephone only attempts to destroy civilisation as we know it in response to Eight escaping - there's no indication that its NILS Statue gambit would occur had Eight not escaped. Probably, it was playing the long game, waiting for people to blend themselves into an amalgam until everyone is soup, but then when its perfect, respectable amalgam, its child, developed of a sense of self and escaped, it decided "screw the world of individuality actually".

If you've played BioShock 2, think of Tartar as a Sofia Lamb figure, and specimen #10,008 as an Eleanor, a People's Daughter, the sum of all past knowledge in one unholy vessel.

I believe this is why the character is only referred to as "Eight" - even after they retrieve their memories, they still don't remember their name, even to Pearl and Marina, their closest friends. Why? It's because they never had a name. They're the composite of anywhere up to ten thousand minds in one body.

In talking of the consciousness of "multiple Octolings mixed together" in this Dev Diary, Marina almost gets the memo. She still asks "could sanitization have also caused Agent 8's memory loss?", she is still under the impression that Agent 8 "lost their memory", rather than coming to my conclusion that Agent 8 was an artificially-constructed being in the first place.

JUST ONE MORE THING...

Kamabo Co. still carries out tests. Commander Tartar is now powerless to destroy Inkopolis or merge everyone's minds into goo or whatever, but the company is very much still active as of Splatoon 3.

In this White Day 2020 artwork,

Agents 8 and 3 are playing with C.Q. Cumber.

Recall that Splatoon takes place in real time, and that all of its promotional artwork is diegetic and therefore canon unless proven otherwise.

This artwork is from 2020, and it portrays Agent 3 (who never participated in Kamabo Co.'s tests) in the Deepsea Metro, playing with C.Q. Cumber, who still wears a Kamabo Co. hat, suggesting that he still works for Kamabo Co. as of 2020 (three years after Octo Expansion).

My other proof for this claim is the presence of Kamabo Co. advertisments outside the Deepsea Metro entrance in Inkopolis Square in Splatoon 3, as of Inkopolis Square's addition to the game in 2024.

The metro entrance is blocked off by Marigold and the Tableturf Battle corner, yet the paper advertisements are still there on the ground.

You might suggest that the advertisements are the same ones that were there in Splatoon 2, but paper left on the ground outside doesn't last seven years.

The Deepsea Metro itself is, as we see in Octo Expansion and in the maps of Lemuria Hub, a regular subway system where people commute to work, as well as the site of a weird octopus-Aperture Science facility.

The advertisements, are specifically for Kamabo Co., not for the Deepsea Metro itself.

The fact that Agent 8 willingly returns to the Deepsea Metro in the White Day 2020 artwork suggests that they have some kind of emotional attachment to it, like Marina does to the Octarian domes.

This would make sense if, rather than just a place where Eight was held captive and forced to solve tests for a few hours then escape, the Deepsea Metro was Eight's actual birthplace.

I hope, if nothing else, this post made you think.

On a slightly related note, I got 83% marks on my course assignment about the deep sea and its organisms, including those that gather around hydrothermal vents, cold seeps, and whale falls.

[sosuperawesome]

Giant Bat Pattern // Octopus Army Crochet

[alumi-san]

Imagine the princesses meme from "Ralph breaks the internet" but with princes.

(I'm including Star/Aster because i can).

Aster: Whoa, whoa. Gentlemens, I can explain. See, I'm a prince, too!

Kristoff: Wait, what?

Aster: Yeah. Prince Aster, the wishing star. You know *THE* wishing star? The one in the sky? You probably saw me.

Henry/Charming: Huh. What kind of prince are you?

Aster: What kind?

Florian: Do you have no personality?

Aster: No.

Aladdin and Eugene: You were a thief?

Aster: No.

Kristof: Your best friend is an animal?

Aster: No. Thought my friend's has a goat as her best friend.

John: You got shot?

Aster: No!

Adam and Naveen: Cursed?

Aster: No!

Li Shang: Lead an army to death?

Aster: No! Are you guys okay? Should I get help?

Eric: Then I have to assume that you killed a giant octopus to save the love of your life?

Aster: No???

Florian: Have you ever had True Love's Kiss?

Aster: I wish...

Philip: Did you rebelled against your father?

Aster: I don't even have a mom.

All except Naveen: Neither do we! As far as some of us know...

Kristoff: And now, for the million-dollar question. Do people assume that when a pretty girl shows up, you'll fall in love with her immediately?

Aster: Yes! What is up with that? Also what is a dollar?

All: They are a prince!

Florian: *sings*

[mothfables]

The Chain Sleeping Headcanons

i figured why the hell not haha

Time -this man snores like a goddamned horse -often the last to sleep, makes sure everyone else is doing alright first -would be the first to rise if not for Wild getting up to make breakfast -takes watch often. he’s been chewed out by Wars + the others for not waking whoever’s next many times -very rarely sleeps in

Legend -refuses to sleep on his back unless he absolutely has to (i.e. severely ill or injured) -prefers to sleep on his side, usually curled up, but will lie on his stomach if he feels safe enough -sleeps better with at least one other person with him, but is bad at asking for it -if he’s with Ravio there’s a chance he may sleep on his back, as he knows he’s safe with him -will drop off in a few minutes if his hair is played with -sleeps best curled against someone’s chest with his face tucked in their neck. it helps him feel safe

Twilight -either sleeps sprawled flat on his back or curled up like a wolf. no inbetween -has a habit of getting up and patrolling the camp/immediate area at random points during the night. does not matter if he’s in wolf or hylian form -also snores. usually in the ear of whoever’s closest to him

Sky -he’s never had the best relationship with sleep. this has been something he’s dealt with his entire life -it was bad enough as a kid but it’s only gotten worse the older he gets -some of it is prophetic dreams or other hero shit, the rest is good old sleep disorder -naps when he can get them -chronic sleep cuddler. once he has someone in his grasp he is not letting go. no one is sure if he’s even aware he does this. good for getting Legend to sleep

Warriors -can sleep anywhere, anytime, in any position thanks to his time in the army -quick to sleep, quick to rise -usually sleeps flat on his back or curled around the nearest small body (or Time) -always has a weapon nearby

Wind -this kid alternates between alarmingly accurate starfish + octopus imitations -forming a habit of snoring. the prime suspect is Twilight -keeps a knife under his pillow

Hyrule -he sleeps best hidden away, like in a tree or cave -always has his sword nearby -he’s slowly learning to sleep with others nearby/trust others with keeping him safe as he sleeps

Wild -can go without sleep for days. this does not mean it’s healthy -if he goes long enough without sleep he crashes hard as soon as it’s safe to do so -rests best at a campfire or wherever there’s a bed. this doesn’t mean he can’t or won’t pass out anywhere -ready to get up and go whenever -tends to get up early to make breakfast

Four -either sleeps completely silently or says the weirdest shit. often sounds like fractured conversations between multiple people -similar to Wind in that he’ll wrap himself around the nearest person or contort himself into the weirdest positions. his blankets are never where they started in the morning -has occasionally been found on the opposite side of camp from where he went to sleep

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Live Nation/Ticketmaster is buying Congress

I'm touring my new, nationally bestselling novel The Bezzle! Catch me THURSDAY (May 2) in WINNIPEG, then Calgary (May 3), Vancouver (May 4), Tartu, Estonia, and beyond!

Anything that can't go on forever eventually stops. Monopolies are intrinsically destabilizing and inevitably implode…eventually. Guessing which of the loathesome monopolies that make us all miserable will be the first domino is a hard call, but Ticketmaster is definitely high on my list.

It's not that event tickets are the most consequential aspect of our lives. The monopolies over pharma, fuel, finance, tech, and even beer are all more important to our day-to-day. But while Ticketmaster – and its many ramified tentacles, like Live Nation – may not be the most destructive monopoly in our world, but it pisses off people with giant megaphones and armies of rabid fans.

It's been a minute since Ticketmaster was last in the news, so let's recap. Ticketmaster bought out most of its ticketing rivals, then merged with Live Nation, the country's largest concert promoter, and bought out many of the country's largest music, stage and sports venues. They used this iron grip on the entire supply chain for performances and events to pile innumerable junk fees on every ticket sold, while drastically eroding the wages of the creative workers they nominally represented. They created a secret secondary market for tickets and worked with ticket-touts to help them run bots that bought every ticket within an instant of the opening of ticket sales, then ran an auction marketplace that made them gigantic fees on every re-sold ticket – fees the performers were not entitled to share in.

The Ticketmaster/Live Nation/venue octopus is nearly impossible to escape. Independent venues can't book Live Nation acts unless they use Ticketmaster for their tickets. Acts can't get into the large venues owned by Ticketmaster unless they sign up to have Live Nation book their tour. And when Ticketmaster buys a venue, it creams off the most successful acts, starving competing venues of blockbuster shows. They also illegally colluded with their vendors to jack up the price of concerts across the board:

https://pascrell.house.gov/uploadedfiles/ful.pdf

When Rebecca Giblin and I were writing Chokepoint Capitalism, our book about how tech and entertainment monopolies impoverish all kinds of creative workers, we were able to get insiders to go on record about every kind of monopoly, from the labels to Spotify, Kindle to the Big Five publishers and the Google-Meta ad-tech duopoly. The only exception was Ticketmaster/Live Nation: everyone involved in live performance – performers, bookers, club owners – was palpably terrified about speaking out on the record about the conglomerate:

https://chokepointcapitalism.com/

No wonder. The company has a long and notorious history of using its market power to ruin anyone who challenges it. Remember Pearl Jam?

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/pearl-jam-taking-on-ticketmaster-67440/

But anything that can't go on forever eventually stops. Not only is Ticketmaster a rapacious, vindictive monopolist – it's also an incompetent monopolist, whose IT systems are optimized for rent-extraction first, with ticket sales as a distant afterthought. This is bad no matter which artist it effects, but when Ticketmaster totally, utterly fucked up Taylor Swift's first post-lockdown tour, they incurred the wrath of the Swifties:

https://www.vox.com/culture/2022/11/21/23471763/taylor-swift-ticketmaster-monopoly

All of which explains why I've always given good odds that Ticketmaster would be first up against the wall come the antitrust revolution. It may not be the most destructive monopolist, but it is absurdly evil, and the people who hate it most are the most famous and beloved artists in the country.

For a while, it looked like I was right. Ticketmaster's colossal Taylor Swift fuckup prompted Senator Amy Klobuchar – a leading antitrust crusader – to hold hearings on the company's conduct, and led to the introduction of a raft of bills to rein in predatory ticketing practices. But as David Dayen writes for The American Prospect, Ticketmaster/Live Nation is spreading a fortune around on the Hill, hiring a deep bench of ex-Congressmen and ex-senior staffers (including Klobuchar's former chief of staff) and they've found a way to create the appearance of justice without having to suffer any consequences for their decades-long campaign of fraud and abuse:

https://prospect.org/power/2024-04-30-live-nation-strikes-up-band-washington/

Dayen opens his article with the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which is always bracketed by a week's worth of lavish parties for Congress and hill staffers. One of the fanciest of these parties was thrown by Axios – and sponsored by Live Nation, with a performance by Jelly Roll (whose touring contract is owned by Live Nation). Attendees at the Axios/Live Nation event were bombarded with messages about the essential goodness of Live Nation (they were even printed on the cocktail napkins) and exhortations to support the Fans First Act, co-sponsored by Klobuchar and Sen John Cornyn (R-TX):

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/08/arts/music/fans-first-act-ticket-bill.html

Ticketmaster/Live Nation loves the Fans First Act, because – unlike other bills – it focuses primarily on the secondary market for tickets, and its main measure is a requirement for ticketing companies to disclose their junk fees upfront. Neither of these represents a major challenge to Ticketmaster/Live Nation's control over the market, which gives it the ability to slash performers' wages while jacking up prices for fans.

Fans First represents the triumph of Ticketmaster/Live Nation's media strategy, which is to blame the entire problem on bottom-feeding ticket-touts (who are mostly scum!) instead of on the single monopoly that controls the entire industry and can't stop committing financial crimes.

Axios isn't Live Nation's only partner in selling this distraction tactic. Over the past five years, the company has flushed gigantic sums of money through Washington. Its lobbying spend rose from $240k in 2018 to $1.1m in 2022, and $2.38m in 2023:

https://thehill.com/business/4431886-live-nation-doubled-lobbying-spending-to-2-4m-in-2023-amid-antitrust-threat/

The company has 37 paid lobbyists selling Congress on its behalf. 25 of them are former congressional staffers. Two are former Congressmen: Ed Whitfield (R-KY), a 21 year veteran of the House, and Mark Pryor (D-AR), a two-term senator:

https://www.bhfs.com/people/attorneys/p-s/mark-pryor

But perhaps the most galling celebrant in this lavish hymn to Citizen United is Jonathan Becker, Amy Klobuchar's former chief of staff, who jumped ship to lobby Congress on behalf of monopolists like Live Nation, who paid him $120k last year to sell their story to the Hill:

https://www.opensecrets.org/federal-lobbying/clients/lobbyists?cycle=2023&id=D000053134

Not everyone hates Fans First: it's been endorsed by the Nix the Tix coalition, largely on the strength of its regulation of secondary ticket sales. But the largest secondary seller in America by far is Live Nation itself, with a $4.5b market in reselling the tickets it sold in the first place. Fans First shifts focus from this sleazy self-dealing to competitors like Stubhub.

Fans First can be seen as an opening salvo in the long war against Ticketmaster/Live Nation. But compared to more muscular bills – like Klobuchar's stalled-out Unlock Ticketing Markets Act, it's pretty weaksauce. The Unlocking act will "prevent exclusive contracts between ticketing services and venues" – hitting Ticketmaster/Live Nation where it hurts, right in the bank-account:

https://www.klobuchar.senate.gov/public/index.cfm/2023/4/following-senate-judiciary-committee-hearing-klobuchar-blumenthal-introduce-legislation-to-increase-competition-in-live-event-ticketing-markets

It's not all gloom. Dayen reports that Ticketmaster's active lobbying in favor of Fans First has made many in Congress more skeptical of the bill, not less. And Congress isn't the only – or even the best – way to smash Ticketmaster's criminal empire. That's something the DoJ's antitrust division could power through with a lot less exposure to the legalized bribery that dominates Congress.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/30/nix-fix-the-tix/#something-must-be-done-there-we-did-something

Image: Matt Biddulph (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/mbiddulph/13904063945/

CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

--

Flying Logos (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Over_$1,000,000_dollars_in_USD_$100_bill_stacks.png

CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en