#old fans have been back on their bullshit lately and it absolutely rocks

[rainosa]

I’ve been thinking about Valerie lately and losing my mind at how underutilized she was. What do you mean she only appears in phantom planet as a background character

[twopoppies]

Just sharing something I saw that could possibly be some plants for future stunts. All album promo stunts have started around the lead single. HS1 we got the Tess Ward drama who soon got replaced with Camille because Tess was too loose canon and was dumb enough to share photos of his home. Camille was a fucking troll but at least she never was allowed in his London house lol. They learned their lesson then. Then for HS2 they were planning on having Nicole Branch as gf and she was at the Kacey Musgraves show Harry performed with in October 2019 and then was also is Miami when he performed with Lizzo. But then Covid hit and they stopped the planted stunting. They tried to reintroduce her again when she was in London in summer 2020 (when the fish photo took place) but then dropped her when Harry signed for DWD. That’s why Nicole acted so petty and released that fish photo in October or something because she was salty that she was replaced for OW stunting. That’s also why she posted that childish selfie naked in bed with the blue fisherman hat on her birthday and was liking left and right OW and H bashing on Twitter. For HS3 there wasn’t anyone new introduced because he still had to stunt with OW especially around lead single and album drop but at least he made sure to distance his album from her. So for HS4 I have seen two things and makes me question if they haven’t decided yet which PR relationship narrative to use for HS4. But the Berghain stories and that he’s allegedly a regular in that club make me think they might chose the edgy German one for that.

1. Some anon on fauxmoi thread on Reddit claims that they know a girl from Berlin whom Harry is seeing right know, apparently she’s tattooed indie German girl and they spent weekend in Ibiza and now are back in Berlin lol

2. I have tea on a very massive british pop star talking to a normie in new england. They started talking through a mutual friend. She works in luxury retail so I think she's used to high profile clients. I don't think they've met in person yet but they text all the time. I expect them to public by the late fall if they continue talking. (Would make sense if the lead single might come out in fall)

Oh, you’ve got my wheels turning. I have to say, I really truly hope he’s not going to have yet another PR relationship. But these two directions are interesting because they’re so different and if either were true, it makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the direction the music is going in.

The “normie” in NE makes me think of Carolyn Bessette—elegant, private, low key glamour. But also that (stupid) idea of, “he dates normies, he might date me!”

The tattooed indie German girl feels more edgy, artistic, experimental, leaning into a different side of himself, maybe more of a rock and roll kind of vibe. I know a lot of fans have really loved some of the old leaked stuff that leaned towards rock music.

And, at the same time, all of this could be the usual bullshit rumors that mean nothing because people having been spreading unsubstantiated rumors forever. I know people who read my blog often take things and run with them as if they’re absolute truth… please use your brains if you’re u seeing this.

Also, anon, feel free to come back and spill that tea. I’m very curious to hear what you know. 👀

[tainted-wine]

I didn’t apply all of these descriptions but these are the main three I had in mind while writing this. How did I attract so many fans of the crusty boi? Either way, welcome to the club!

Words: 1.5k (how the hell did that happen there’s barely any sex)

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The website didn’t explain what the “LOVER” cheat does. Probably unlocks a deleted path that didn’t make it into the official game. Or maybe he just gets a head-start on his Affection progress with you at the very beginning. Or maybe it doesn’t do shit – that could be why there’s no explanation.

Well, now that he knows how to do it, it wouldn’t hurt to test it himself. Shigaraki absently scratches at the irritated skin on his neck as he boots up the game. The directions were fairly simple and easy to remember.

1. Start a brand new file.

Ugh, he despises games that hold only one save file. It’s not like a visual novel holds up much space. What if you want different files in order to experiment with different choices? It doesn’t matter in his case anyway; he 100% completed the game months ago. With no regrets, his original game was deleted and a new one began.

> What is your name?

He might as well stick with the one he used last time.

‘SHIGGY-SENPAI’

The introduction cutscene began, the protagonist going on about the new town he just moved into. Pretty by-the-books, as far as romance openings go.

2. Finish the intro. Once you meet Y/N, go to the menu. 

After skipping through a bunch of fluffy dialogue, you finally appear in all of your cute glory. Once you’re done introducing yourself, Shigaraki brings up the main menu.

3. Type in “LOVER”

Just like that? Alright then...

Right after inputting the final letter, a sparkly ping sound straight out of a magical girl anime could be heard, and that was it. Okay...it sounds like he did it correctly.

When he returned to the game, his success was much more evident. You were staring directly at the screen - almost through the screen - with a glowing expression he’s never seen. Each and every one of your reactions have been seared into his brain after so many hours of gameplay. This was new.

“You...do you really mean that, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

What? Voice acting? Though you did say his name pretty stiffly, as expected when a computer tries to pronounce custom text, but what the hell? Why would this be hidden as a cheat?

“But it’s so soon, and I’m not very experienced...” You blushed and shyly twiddled your fingers.

Oh.

“But I already trust you, and I want you too.”

Oh.

It’s that kind of path.

A hidden adult route. Shigaraki really likes that, even though this would’ve had a much stronger impact if it happened on his original file, the one where he was fully bonded to you. Sucks that he needs a fresh file in order to fuck you.

Shit, he’s not even prepared for this. Maybe he should go grab the lotion and a couple of tissues, assuming that this special scene will make for pretty decent fap material.

But the dialogue continued automatically. You creeped closer to the screen as you gushed about your feelings for him. “I want to make love to you forever and ever!”

You were getting really close, and with a show of impressive animation, your hand reached out to touch the fourth wall...

And the screen began to distort and ripple.

What the fuck?

“I just can’t wait to feel your amazing cock.” Your fingers began to phase through the fucking computer screenWHAT THE FUCK?!

“Take me, SHIGGY-SENPAI!”

Just like that, a full-sized bitch materialized out of the game and onto his lap, nearly toppling his gamer chair.

Even in the darkness of his room, your eyes shined brightly as they studied his pale face. “You’re even more handsome up close!”

Shigaraki was still too stunned to even respond to the rare compliment. Only when you began to pull down his pants did he finally find his voice again.

“Wha–ah–who the–hey!” He knows that he shouldn’t be afraid of a hottie touching his cock but ooooh shit she’s already stroking him.

“Ah, you’re so big!” You stared at his untouched manhood in awe, watching him become more erect after every pump of your soft hand.

“Fuck, am I?” He gasped.

“Mmhmm! And I bet you’re really tasty too!” You say before he’s suddenly engulfed with the very real warmth of a mouth.

Fuck fuck fuck he isn’t gonna last. He was ready to jerk off, not actually get his dick sucked. It feels more amazing than he ever imagined, your tongue working along his sensitive flesh, and those lips sucking at him so eagerly.

When his hand grabs the top of your head, he realizes too late that all five of his fingers are tangled in your hair.

You nearly fall over from how suddenly Shigaraki rolls back in his chair. You look shocked, confused, and...very much not a pile of dust.

“What’s wrong, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

He looked at his hands, then at you, then at his hands again.

Then he takes hold of your face and shoves you back into his groin, because he can touch you, he can touch another fucking living thing without any worries about completely destroying it. Must be some crazy logic about you being data from a videogame or something. He doesn’t care, he’s so horny, feels so good having his cock so far down a hot tight throat, he just might burst...

Wait, he might have just done exactly that.

“Ah, shit,” he watches you pull back and swallow with the most satisfied grin.

“That was quick, SHIGGY-SENPAI!” You really need to stop saying his name like that. It’s fuckin’ weird. “I didn’t even get to feel you inside me.”

“Shut up,” the mixture of emotions he’s been experiencing ever since your ass crawled out of the screen like a girl in a cursed video is starting to piss him off. He’s so insulted and thankful that this fictional bitch gave him his first blowjob and made him nut in the span of sixty seconds. “Just give me a few minutes.” 

A few knocks on the room’s door startles both of you.

“Tomura, the Vanguard Action Squad is ready to move out.”

Shit!

“I’ll be out in a damn minute, Kurogiri.” Shigaraki moves to get out of his seat, only to be stopped by his new partner.

Your sparkly puppy eyes are so grossly cute, yet it has his dick twitching again already. “Are you leaving me already, SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

“Quit saying my name in all caps.”

“Okay, ˢʰᶦᵍᵍʸ⁻ˢᵉⁿᵖᵃᶦ.”

“Not like that. I can barely hear it.”

“How about SHIGGY-SENPAI?”

He slaps a hand over your mouth. “Just stop saying my name.”

A much harsher knock rocks the old door. “Hey, you ugly bastard,” That sounded like the Dabi asshole. “The hell are you doing in there? Jacking off to anime girls?”

Shigaraki scoffed. When’s the last time that burnt Stain fanboy got his dick sucked?

As much as he wants to join in on terrorizing the brats at U.A, he really wants to get laid today.

“Just go without me!” He yells through the walls. He nearly misses your muted squeak of joy.

“Eh?” Hearing Dabi’s annoyed muffled voice was pretty amusing. “You’re just gonna sit on your ass in your room while we do the work?”

The villain’s retort catches in his throat when you take his hand and begin to slowly lick at his fingers, all while pinning him with an innocent gaze.

“Your fingers are so pretty,” You whispered.

It’s so difficult to pay attention to the words being uttered outside of the room while his hands are being placed on your chest. BOOBS.

“Please trust Tomura. I’m sure he has faith in you all handling this mission on your own,” Kurogiri tries to explain. Shigaraki knows him well enough to know that he’s probably irritated as well, but there are titties in his hands so who gives a fuck.

Dabi releases an exasperated groan. “I knew this whole League of Villains thing was bullshit. Shouldn’t have bothered.”

Shigaraki slows his exploration of your breasts to shout, “If I make you the leader of the mission, will you shut up?”

“......Yes.”

“Well, I pronounce you leader of the Vanguard Action Squad. I’ll even give you a Nomu. Have fun.” The two of you are rushing to lift your shirt off for better access to your skin.

“Fuck yeah,” Dabi’s voice is still fairly close. The sooner he pisses off, the better. “I can probably pull this off better than you, anyway. Come on, psycho girl, we’re gonna go round up everyone else.”

Toga can be heard squealing excitedly as they both step away and finally give him his privacy back. You look absolutely lovestruck by the entire exchange.

“You gave up an important mission just for me? You really do love me!” 

He just rolled his eyes and lowered his head to take a hardened nipple into his mouth, enjoying your sounds of delight.

He can’t wait for the next time he faces those stupid heroes. He’ll be smarter, stronger, and can even tell them that he got his dick wet.

Oh, the collapse of hero society is going to be glorious.

[thephantomofthe-internet]

A Kiss from the Afterlife

Rocker!Billy Hargrove x Holloway!Reader

Word Count: 3,989

Warnings: death mention!, alcohol, swearing, angst

Author’s note: I haven’t written in awhile, hope you guys still like me and my stuff, I like this story a lot personally

Tag List: @carolimedanvers​ @hotstuffhargrove​ @thechickvic​ @alex--awesome--22​ @lilmissperfectlyimperfect​ @so-not-hotmess​ @hawkeyeharrington​ @sunflowercandie​ @kaliforniacoastalteens​ @songforhema​ @spidey-pal​ @mickmoon​ @buckybarneshairpullingkink​ @marvelismylifffe​ @baebee35​

The assignment was clear. It was stupid, but it was clear. A fluff piece for the Indianapolis Tribune, reviewing local Indiana bands for state pride or some shit. It felt totally out of your element. You should be reviewing the latest new wave flash in the pan or whatever Michael Jackson single had been dropped and hit high enough on the top one hundred to pay attention to, which was almost every single. Much more important work than some garage bands going to open mic nights on the weekend and would break up in a month over a girl who everyone else would call their Yoko Ono.

This wasn’t worth your time.

But what Chris said go. Chris, your editor, was working under the assumption that fluff pieces about local work get more local readers. A sort of self-flagellation for a crappy state. So, you did as little research as possible to find three up and coming acts from around greater Indianapolis, finding three of the most boring seeming hair metal bands that might get successful, and found gigs to watch.

You promised yourself that you weren’t going farther than Gary, but Chris insisted on you going down to Carmel, apparently the band there was really popular and missing them would get too many letters to the editor. You begrudgingly agreed, but only because Carmel was just far enough from Hawkins to keep your mind at bay. You found solace knowing that the band would probably be the worst. Amateur bands with really good names always failed, it was the rule. Good bands got good names later.

And Crown of Thorns was a really good band name.

You’d found a slew of fans to interview in Carmel, according to them they were like Guns n’ Roses had a baby with Madonna’s Like a Prayer video-all religious imagery and hard rock sensibility. Sounded too good to be true. No garage band was that good. You wondered what they actually liked. Usually, the intense fans were either friends with or fucking the band members; groupies don’t just appear they start as girlfriends and boyfriends and buddies from high school looking for free booze. You don’t how many ex-girlfriends, boyfriends, and friends you’d talk to for your interviews for the dumb piece.

You wondered how many ex-girlfriends you’d interviewed for the preamble for Crown of Thorns. All their fans seemed to be women, at least the ones who wanted to be interviewed were. It was strange, usually there was a couple beer bros wandering around looking to talk about how some band so fucking awesome or whatever.

Still, you didn’t bother to question it. There was one perk of this assignment and that was not having to work the awful nine to five in stuffy professional attire. Well worn jeans and a baggy tee shirt beat blazers and heels any day of the damn week. You wandered into the venue late that night, the bar called The Muddy Duck which looked as terrible as its name was; you made a note to describe the place as kindly as you could.

The bar was dim and awful. It stunk of beer spilled hours ago and puke. So much puke. The place smelt so bad you wondered if they filled the walls with the stuff instead of insulation. The floor was sticky under your boots and people kept bumping against you. The band hadn’t even come onstage and someone had already spilt a drink on you, sticky liquid trailing down your back and making your skin crawling involuntarily. Some sloppy girl muttered “Sorry…” dropping her sugar crusted martini glass on the counter before stumbling off. You pulled the drenched material off your back before pushing your way to the front. The crappy lights above the milk crates the place was calling a stage had flashed on and the entire room fell into a hush. You pulled out your notepad, jabbing your pencil behind your ear.

Three hulking men took the stage, each scruffier than the last, most hunched over with their instruments strung around their backs; bass guitar and guitar and drumsticks shoved as far away from their person as possible. They all looked as if they didn’t want to be seen, you wrote that down, noting their homemade band merchandise and stringy unkempt hair.

Then, the crowd cheered. The forth member was climbing the steps, fluffy mullet bouncing with each of his steps. He turned to the audience, throwing up the horns in a dramatic pose, hands held in a ‘v’ over his head and head tipped back up at the ceiling. The ring of feminine screams washed over your ears, causing you to throw your hands over your ears, trying to save your ear drums from their squeals.

An elbow jabbed into your ribs, bringing your attention to a spiky looking Siouxie Sioux knockoff who was smirking down at you “If you can’t handle that, you aren’t going to be able to handle this show.” She said, her voice carrying over the sound of the crowd.

“Thanks for the tip.” You called back, writing down the quote, making a note to find her before you left, to get one good interview out of this mess.

The drummer had taken his seat, the guitarists pulling their instruments to the front of them. The singer took the microphone in his hands like it was his lover, his eyes scanning the scene. They met yours for the briefest of moments and recognition hit you like a freight train.

Billy god damn Hargrove. You wanted to die.

Of course you had to interview Hargrove. Of course he had his own shitty hair metal band even though it was 19 god damn 91 and hair metal was dying off like flies on fly paper. Of course he was trying to fuck the audience with his eyes. You prayed he didn’t recognize you. You prayed you could get through this interview without any spill ups. You just wanted to disappear from Hawkins bullshit and the people who made it awful. Billy Hargrove made it awful.

Billy Hargrove destroyed your family.

Heather was your little sister, your bratty baby sister who stole your clothes and destroyed your makeup and followed you around helplessly. She was your stuck up, immature, callus, popularity obsessed sister. She was a kid. You left Hawkins to go to college, to get away from your fighting parents and your mother’s slow descent into alcoholism. You went into journalism because it was the only thing you could relate to your father about and you wanted that praise. You stayed away from your family when you could, the mess growing too big for you to tackle. You tried to keep up with Heather, but she didn’t want check in from her older sister. She was too old for a babysitter, to be babied by her older sibling. She stopped answering your calls, so you stopped calling.

And then, she was gone. They were gone. Lost to some stupid fire in a stupid mall. Your whole family, just gone. There were a handful of survivors, and you didn’t blame them, but in your heart one person shouldn’t have been saved. And that was Hargrove. Why did the universe save a philandering womanizer with a penchant for bullying get to live when your baby sister had to die? How was that fair? If you’d ever fully believed in God, you lost your faith in them the day you found out about your sister.

And you never forgave Hawkins. You turned your back on the place, sold your family home and the newspaper, packed up what was important and gave the rest to Goodwill. Life wasn’t in Hawkins anymore, it was anywhere else. Indianapolis didn’t feel far enough yet, but it held a decent paying job and a life away from what hurt you.  A small change did more than enough to feel free of the ghosts chasing you from a joint grave plot.

The intro to their first song blared from the lead guitarist’s amp, filling the room with screeching metallic notes, far too fast to be the start of a song. You waited for the crash of cymbals or the mellow sound of the bass or even a note from Hargrove. The song opened with a minute long solo. You absolutely hated that, it stunk of the seventies psychedelic rock your older cousins would blast in the basement during Christmas parties, all claiming to be Satanists and against the holiday until their parents let them each have a beer. The sound left a sour taste in your mouth.

What didn’t help was the pure, wordless wail Hargrove let out as the guitar cut out. The audience was deathly silent, on the edge of their seats waiting for something. What it was, you weren’t sure, but you watched his hands as he adjusted his grip and pulled himself in close, his lips almost touching its centre, his icy blue eyes lowering to meet the gaze of the room again.

“I watched the blood pour from your eyes…” he crooned out, his eyelashes fluttering as if he’d sung something romantic. His voice wasn’t strong, but the way he held the microphone. There was a phrase for it; a term…it was on the tip of your tongue. It found you by the end of the song, which seemed to solely about watching the one you love fall out of love with you, which dark imagery.

As the room applauded, you found your mind again, his stupid stare and the way he held the audience in the palm of his hand. Frank Sinatra syndrome. You might have made up the term, but it made too much sense. Sinatra was a dreamboat in the forties and an emotional singer who owned a room and the hearts of his fan base, a majority of which were women. It said that in the cramped, warm venues of his early career of the late twenties and early thirties that you could smell the pheromones coming off the girls in the room. It seemed Billy Hargrove had found a way to do the same. He had the whole room wrapped around his little finger.

Now it made sense why you’d only been able to find women who were interested in the band, no straight man would ever be interested in them. And no gay man would get caught by reporters looking for a story, too dangerous. Now it made sense why the bar was so shit and the girls here were so hot-straight girls would go anywhere for a peak at a hottie like Hargrove, you remembered how the girls chased him in high school, how desperate they were for just a peak at him in his gym clothes or shirtless at the pool.

Billy Hargrove still had a way with the girls.

They managed four more songs, only one a cover, which impressed you a fair bit. The amount of kids you’d listen to play AC/DC and Metallica and Motley Crue in the week alone was enough to make you hate any song with an electric guitar in it. Hearing original songs, albeit trite drivel about love and losing girls and sex under God’s eye, was almost a breath of fresh air. Almost. If it hadn’t been Hargrove, it would’ve been completely worth the trip down.

But you had to deal with Hargrove.

His performance ended and the crowd erupted into uproarious applause as the group shuffled off the stage, save Hargrove who jumped off the front of the stage, landing directly in front of you.

“You the chick from the Indianapolis Tribune?” he asked, looking you over with a lazy look, half-hearted in both its intention and its purpose.

You tucked your pencil behind your ear, looking at him in pure annoyance “You see anyone else taking notes?” you asked. Billy chuckled drily, running a hand through his sweaty looking hair, pulling a black hair elastic off his right wrist, right above the black leather cuff he had on both his wrists, and pulling his tangled curls off the back of his neck.

“The boys are at the bar, come over when you want an actual interview instead of bitching.” He replied shortly, stalking off as a small hoard of girls followed behind him. He already had groupies. Oh my fucking god.

You took a deep breath, swallowed your pride, and walked over to the bar, ordering yourself a beer before pulling up a stool. Billy smirked slightly as he saw you turn to the group. He slung an arm over a girl in a tight leather skirt, causing the other girls to walk off; apparently, Hargrove had made his choice for the night and the other girls accepted it without verbal complaint to him.

“Guys, this is the chick from the newspaper.” He grabbed his brown bottle off the sticky rail and pulled it to his lips, taking a long sip, his eyes never leaving you.

“Hi, Y/N Holloway, I just have a couple of questions for you guys and then I’ll get out of your way.” You smiled. You watched out of the corner of your eye as your last name caused recognition flashed in his baby blues. In that moment, he knew you. Well, he knew your family. And he became a wallflower. You asked your simple questions, which were mostly about how they met and what their goals were, which the drummer declared to be ‘world domination’ while elbowing Billy in the abs, as if he would’ve laughed. He didn’t. In fact he didn’t speak at all; he just sort of stared at you, mouth open just a little, just enough to show the shock he felt. That was a confidence boost, knowing you could still shock.

You finished the interview with a sweet smile, tucking your notepad into your heavy black bag and hopped off your stool, grabbing your beer as you went. “Alright, best of look boys, see you in the papers.” You said with a wave, walking into the crowd. You had to find that spiky goth, she seemed to know more than anyone else in that room.

You found her in the corner of the room at a tiny table, fingers laced with a tiny mousy looking girl with short ash brown hair and a lazy looking smile. When you walked up, she dropped her hand out of the spiky girl’s, who simply smiled at you.

“What’s up, Holloway?” she asked, turning to fully look at you.

You furrowed your brow “You know me?”

She chuckled “Fellow Hawkins escapees don’t show up so close to hell that often, although I know you don’t recognize me. Samantha Baker.” She held out her hand for you to shake. After hearing her name, you did recognize her as the school’s only sullen goth.  

“Hey,” you shook her hand, turning to address the little mouse. She seemed oddly familiar “Aren’t you Neil Buckley’s little sister? Robin right?” you asked with a grin. Neil Buckley was your first boyfriend; you spent most of your afternoons in freshman year at his house. Robin nodded, choosing to pull the cherry off her mixed drink and popped it in her mouth, pulling the red stem off and knotted it with fingers.

You turned your attention back to Samantha with a genuine grin “Look, I’m here doing a piece on local bands, specifically Hargrove’s group. You seem to know a bit about these crowds, can I get a couple quotes from you?” you asked, pulling your pad from your back pocket.

“Grab a seat, I’ll tell you anything you want.” Samantha chuckled once again.

“Sammy, what’s she want?” a strong, angry voice asked from behind you as you pulled out the high stool. You knew it was Hargrove, but you didn’t turn around.

“A couple quotes about the crazy girls who stalk you around.” She replied “You care?”

“I wanna listen and make sure you don’t say shit about me.” He muttered, grabbing an empty chair from a nearby table and pulling it close to yours. The blonde he’d been with before was gone now, to your surprise, and he was pouting in the chair next to you.

“The only thing I have to say about you is that you don’t write your own music.” Samantha replied with a shrug that made Robin roll her eyes.

“Who does?” you asked, pulling your pencil out from behind your ear.

Samantha’s chest puffed out proudly “I do. I’m their lyricist and composer.” You jotted that down fast, making a mental note to credit her for anything you liked in their music.

“Why don’t you just perform this stuff yourself then? There’s an open market for angry, gothic girl rock, much wider than the boy’s market.” You asked.

“Yeah, I can’t do what Hargrove can do to a crowd.” Samantha replied, watching as Hargrove puffed up with pride again.

“Specifically to the girls, that man can turn even the most devoted wife or girlfriend to cheat on their husbands.” Robin added with a smirk. There was clearly a story there, but you didn’t try to pull it out of them, letting sit on the surface of their knowing smiles.

“You gotta understand, these girls-they aren’t here for the music, they’re here for him. They can’t get enough.” Samantha explained, smacking him in the chest as she gestured to him. Samantha might have had too many drinks.

“So it’s just like high school again?” you chuckled, leaning your elbows on the table. You smiled at him, against your initial thinking. Sure, he was still a cocky fuck, but he wasn’t being an absolute ass now that he knew who were.

“Except, now all his songs are apologies to like three girls,” Samantha said “Instead of sex songs about whoever he’s with that week.”

You furrowed your brow “And who are these three girls?”

“Oh, that’s easy: the first one is me, his truest love thus far, a gold star lesbian,” Samantha held up fingers as she counted them off “His mom, gone but never forgotten, and Heather Holloway.”

Your mouth went dry as you between the trio. Robin looked to you apologetically as she took the martini glass from her hand. “You’ve had enough, sweetie.” She muttered.

You didn’t feel like you knew what to say, but words came tumbling out of your mouth. “What gives you the right to use my baby sister as your fucking muse? Her death isn’t something to write fucking songs about.” You snapped. Your whole body felt like it was vibrating, you were so upset.

“I didn’t know you didn’t-Hargrove you told me that she knew that she was the only one who knew.” Samantha sobered up fast, looking at Hargrove with blown out brown eyes.

“Of course you’re still a liar, Hargrove.” You scoffed, pushing yourself off the stool. You were done with this interview, screw this town and the band and any of the other ‘Hawkins escapees’ out there looking to market off your family’s pain. You pushed your way out of the awful bar and into the dark night. It had begun to rain and the air was humid. Well, there goes your hair, the rain and humidity would ruin it. You crossed your arms over your chest, protecting your bare skin from the cold rain giving you goose bumps.

“Y/N, wait a second, alright?” You turned to see Hargrove running up behind you. You wiped your face, ready to blame rain for your running mascara.

“What do you have to say now?” you bit out, slicking your wet hair back from your face.

“Look I thought Heather had told you…” he muttered.

“How the hell was she supposed to tell me about your band? She’s fucking dead.” You wiped your nose angrily, rolling your eyes at your own tears.

“No, not about the band, about…us.” He tried again and you raised an eyebrow at him. Billy sighed, his hand coming to rub the back of his neck. He looked away from you into the dark streets. There wasn’t a cab in sight. “I loved your sister. We were…seeing each other. Sort of. We weren’t official, but we were going to be. I was gonna ask her and then so much shit went down, you don’t even know the half of it. And then…she was gone.”

You didn’t know that. Heather hadn’t told you any of that. You wondered if it was in the diary from that summer. You had all her diaries bundled together in your apartment, you’d never read them; it felt too invasive to her privacy, even from beyond the grave.

“I lost my whole family, I lost my baby sister…” you muttered to yourself, unsure what else to say.

“I know and I’m sorry. But I lost her too.” Billy replied, placing firm hands on your shoulders, forcing you to look at him. For the first time, he looked like a man, not a teenage boy imitating adulthood. He looked strong and as if he knew who he was. He looked handsome, although that be the beer and raw emotion talking.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t know.” You muttered “You must miss her…”

“Yeah, sometimes…when something reminds me of her.” He replied “Like you, you remind me so much of her. Can I show you one song? It’s the one that means the most to me.” You nodded at his request and let him drag you back into the bar. He put you near the front of the stage and grabbed his guitarist, taking the microphone back into his hands.

“Hey, sorry everyone, I’m gonna do one last song. We’ve got a reporter here from the Indiana Tribune, gotta show off our best stuff, ya know?” the audience laughed at his week attempt at a joke as his bassist brought up two chairs for Billy and the guitar guy, whose name you’d forgotten.

The song itself was sweet enough, about a girl with big doe eyes and hair that always smelt like chlorine. It was totally your sister; if they’d played that first you would’ve been just as furious as you were outside, except you wouldn’t have finished the interview. This time around, you listened. You smiled at the line about her lavender perfume and how it was so strong it made you dizzy and held your breath at every chorus as he wailed “You’re all gone, you’re all gone…” with his hands holding the microphone for death life. It didn’t feel like a love song, but a dirge to a long gone muse, never forgotten and screaming from the depths of one’s soul, begging to be remembered, to be put into art. You never liked to think about your sister that way, but deep within your heart you knew this was how she wanted to be remembered. She wanted to be a model, a soap star and spokesperson. She wanted to be remembered for her beauty, to be admired. Being the muse of a budding artist would be good enough for her, she would’ve loved that.

You clapped when it was done. You let Billy pull you away from the crowd. You let him kiss you like he would’ve your sister, the lingering smell of lavender and vanilla on your skin a reminder to both of you of her. You let him hold you. It was nice to be held. It was nice for him to get to say goodbye.

You knew you looked strange to the groupies and bar goers, but he needed this. And in a way, so did you. You held him like he was your father, like you were hugging him for the last time. You didn’t like that your mind associated the two men, but you let it. You both said goodbye to your ghosts.

And were left with strangers in their places.  

[takaraphoenix]

So... Why do you think Tangled the series is crap?

*blinks surprised* Well, this was defininitely not what I expected in my inbox this morning. Okay. xD

EDIT: So answer under the cut. If you still end up reading it and don’t want to hear criticism of the show, I really don’t know what to tell you…

1. Eugene/Rapunzel

What really didn’t do it any favors was the fact that before I started watching Tang/ed, I had just finished watching Tarzan the animated series for the first time. And, I’ve gone on a lengthy praise-rant about that one but the sum of it is that Tarzan is a beautiful portrayal of a healthy relationship and its growth.

Tang/ed flat-out forgot Eugene existed for the majority of season 1. Like. He was there. Occasionally. More in the background. Showing up after the adventures. And even when he was prominently featured, he didn’t get any romantic scenes with Rapunzel. They severely cut back on the Eugene/Rapunzel interactions in season 1.

Most of Rapunzel’s screentime was spent with New BFFOC #1, while most of Eugene’s screentime was spent with New BFF OC #2.

And I love Eugene/Rapunzel, I love their tenderness and how they got together in the first movie. I had expected a Tarzan level of romantic growth, development and focus on their romance. I mean, seriously, the whole movie had little going on that could have been continued, what with the hair cut and the witch gone, there was only “Rapunzel gets to reunite with her family and her and Eugene’s relationship gets to grow and develop while Rapunzel learns what it means to be a princess”.

Holy shit would I have loved a TV show with that premise and focus.

Instead, they sidelined Eugene for most of season 1 in favor of focusing on the new OCs - and yes, I admit, the Eugene/Rapunzel got better and got more screentime and actual development in season 2, but that’s… a whole-ass season too late in my opinion.

The Eugene/Rapunzel dynamic was what carried Tang/ed the movie, but the show put Eugene on the backburner to focus on its new shiny things. He should have been right there, at her side, every step of the way, not her sneaking off with only Cassandra all the time. He should have been her rock, her number one fan and supporter.

2. The Parents

Rapunzel’s parents? The freaking trauma of the whole thing? The loving reunion, the bonding time? Barely there and even then it sets in relatively late and very much only in between. This should have been one of the main angles of this show; after so many years, a whole life-time in fact, they are reunited with their daughter, now it’s time she learns what you love and what you’re like and you learn what she loves and what she’s like, you get to show her her kingdom and tell her about her family. It does however end up more like the… D story of the cartoon, really.

Half the time, they just Exist. And most of the times that they are prominently featured, it’s for dad to somehow royally screw up, really… Which only made me sadder, because I usually love Disney Dads. Like, Disney creates beautiful dads. Instead, this show continued making him mess up.

The missed opportunity for bonding time, real bonding time, in actual character arcs, not just in throwaway episodes maybe every now and again, is just… so infinitely sad to me as someone who loves a good family dynamic and who, looking at a movie that literally was about “long-lost daughter is reunited with her parents”, absolutely expected that to be in the focus somewhere, not in the background.

3. The OCs

In number 1, I already mentioned New BFF OC #1 and New BFF OC #2, so lets give them names and let’s also dive into them.

I love Lance Strongbow. He is genuinely the one thing about this cartoon that I absolutely adore. He’s the type of personality Eugene absolutely would have gotten into trouble with as a kid. Their dynamic is so well-captured and he’s a delight.

My problem is Cassandra. I really hate that character, hated her even before the reveal that ultimately made me drop the show.

Look. Rapunzel is this incredibly positive sunshine girl. And they… gave her a pessimistic, sarcastic, snarky best friend. That’s a really hard clash and it can work brilliantly, or it fails. In this case, it fails, because Cassandra constantly channels her sarcastic snark into mean comments and insults aimed at Eugene.

Who, the actual ever-loving fuck, would stand for that?

Who would let this new chick just constantly insult your partner, stab at your partner with words, put your partner down, and then decide “Yes. You are my New Best Friend!”. If someone would treat my girlfriend, who is absolutely amazing and whom I adore, the way Cassandra treats Eugene? I would definitely not befriend that person, what the fuck.

And that’s not taken into consideration Cassandra’s side of things. She seemed to think of Rapunzel as her best friend, but she still had to constantly vocally insult Rapunzel’s boyfriend. Who does that? You don’t like him, okay fine, shut up about it though, no reason to always be extra mean to him, especially not while Rapunzel is right there to hear you.

It’s just… I get it, I get when you don’t like your friend’s partner. But… Cassandra has no actual reason to be that way with Eugene? He literally never did anything to her. He saved Rapunzel, he was ready to die to save Rapunzel, way before Cassandra even knew Rapunzel. If anything, he should have her respect, but at the very least he should have the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t like this unfounded hostility toward Eugene and I don’t like how Rapunzel just smiles and ignores it and never calls Cassandra out on it.

And then the point where I stopped watching the show. When Cassandra, who is supposed to be Rapunzel’s best friend, betrays her because of Gothel. Because of course it’s revealed that she’s Gothel’s daughter - they really had to retcon her into being Gothel’s daughter, they really had to do that cheap dump trick, never mind who would have slept with her, when, oh how convenient that her kid is Exactly The Same Age as Rapunzel despite Gothel being literal centuries old, and like fuck that woman would have raised a child on her own like that, the only reason she tolerated Rapunzel was because of her powers. But no, now Gothel had a secret toddler before stealing Rapunzel and instead of ever, at any point, getting her daughter back, she just traded her for superpowered Rapunzel. Which is just such bullshit writing and so cheap and cringey, but to then make Cassandra, who was supposed to be Rapunzel’s best friend and who knew of the abuse, who knew of the trauma that Rapunzel had suffered at the hands of Gothel, betray Rapunzel because “mommy liked you more!” was just… the ultimate Fuck You to me, personally.

And while we’re at OCs and cringey bullshit writing - they really had to retcon Eugene into being A Prince All Along. And not just… any prince, no, no, since she is the sun and her kingdom watched over the sun drop, he is the moon and his kingdom watched over the moon drop and isn’t that super poetic? But that’s beside the point, that comes later, for now just the fact that they couldn’t even let Eugene stand on his own either, they had to also retcon him.

That’s like if the Aladdin show had decided to introduce the sultan of the neighboring kingdom and oh no wait he’s Al’s father now, Aladdin was a prince all along after all actually! No, that show at least kept Al’s suddenly alive father also a streetrat and thief.

That’s what Tang/ed should have done, if they had to retcon Eugene out of orphanhood. Make his dad a supposedly Big Bad and thief until at the season finale it is revealed that they’re father and son and dad maybe never even knew Eugene existed or whatever.

But to make him a prince just like that and have Eugene act so… nonchalant about it all and take it all in such stride, after all these years… it was bullshit.

Also, before we get into the big issue (because yes, so far, this was the small stuff that bothered me), let’s talk about Varian. Man was that a heap of bullshit too. Cute adorable kid who could have become an ally… had to… turn Angry And Bitter and feel betrayed by sunshine protagonist because something happened that was absolutely out of sunshine protagonist’s control. I hate that plot-tool so incredibly much. And then he’s just… redeemed and immediately forgiven and All Is Good. Pff.

4. The Moon

Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuuuck thiiis.

Gods, I can’t put into words how much I loathe the fact that they took “so she had a sun drop, right? Let’s now add–A MOON DROP! *gasps*”… It’s so stupid, it’s so stupid, it’s so stupid.

And badly handled, man.

The contradictory powers would have been cool. The moon drop as the shadow side to her could have had like… potential. But what they did with it? With the weird black stones, with the weird sudden black hair (why in the world would the moon incantation work on her, she is literally the sun drop and has no attachment to the moon drop). Why would the moon drop black stones cause her magic hair to grow back, that was bullshit too.

Like, yeah, the whole hair thing is questionable at best in the movie already, I know - why would cutting it have an effect on the magic, since the magic is inside of her, that was nonsense.

But that it now just… grows back. And like. the full length. For no reason. Not that she just turns blonde again and her hair grows back the normal way, nope. Sudden 10 meter of hair. Because… I mean, you can’t make a Rapunzel show without Rapunzel’s classic long hair, I guess.

That whole sun and moon thing was so… stupid, yeah, and badly handled and executed because the powers just make no sense and the cause and effect there are just so weird. It was very much just “it does whatever the plot requires it to do” and I hate that kind of writing, I prefer set rules within the magic that make sense.

Also, watching this parallel to Elena of Avalor, who also had a sun and moon balance plotline and handled that on a way more evened out playing field? Yeah, that only made Tang/ed look even worse.

5. The Animation

We’re taking the part where I personally think the art style is ugly as fuck out of the equation here, because I know that’d be an unfair point and that others find that style… pretty… for some reason.

The main problem here is more that good gods do I miss 2D movies when I have to sit through these kind of tie-in shows. Because back in the day, a tie-in show actually tied into the movie, in art and animation style too.

I hate that style-break, it’s dumb. It’s dumb on Big Hero 6 too.

Seriously. You’re Disney, you have the freaking budget nowadays, if you make a TV tie in for a movie, at least try to find an animation style that is vaguely in line with the movie…

Like, the argument that 3D animation would be more expensive - or, you know, more easily looks cheap as fuck - doesn’t even count if you consider that this is DISNEY. I’m serious, look over at DreamWorks.

Sure, sure, many were bothered with the cheaper animation of the How to Train Your Dragon series, but it was at least 100% in line with the movie and let’s be real you can’t expect the same animation budget for a show like you got for a movie and that was always the case. But it was close enough.

They could have done this for Tang/ed. Especially considering it’s Disney and they literally have all of the money.

I mean, again, look at DreamWorks - Trollhunters may just be the prettiest 3D animated series out there. That looks gorgeous, in animation.

There’s no reason why Disney can’t do that, can’t put that much effort into its tie-ins of its 3D movies. No reason at all.

Instead, they went with what I assume is a cheaper way of animation and just a huge fuck you to the gazillionaire corporation that has the budget to book its movie stars into whole-ass MCU tie-in shows and would have the budget to fully animate a Tang/ed show in the same quality level as the movie if they wanted (and I’m not even asking for that, really).

It’s cheap. It looks cheap. It’s a jarring clash with the original movie and if you make a tie-in for a movie there should be no clash between the two.

–

Well, there you go. The five reasons why I personally think this show is crap.

I was really excited for a tie-in to this movie and I had really low expectation - like, literally I just wanted to see Eugene/Rapunzel be cute and Rapunzel bond with her parents, that was literally all I expected. And I only got half-assed attempts on both of those, while the focus got completely derailed by a newly added OC and a whacky, very forced plotline.

[snarkwrites]

FFT: villainesses want heroes; ray palmer

Notes:

Okay look. It was fun to attempt writing a kind of morally gray / bad girl type. And it’s something I do wanna do again at some point.

Summary:

Ginger did all the wrong things for all the right reasons. And it nearly cost her family, a love and her actual life. Thanks to her sister Sara, she’s back on the Waverider and she’s recovering. When her memory returns, can she recover what she had with Ray? or is it too late?

Pairing:

Ray Palmer x Lance!OFC, Ginger

Warnings:

morally gray character, innuendo, mentions of temporary amnesia..

“You’ll do as I ask, Ginger.. Or your father and your sister Laurel? The real one? Well, they stay dead.”

The phone went dead and Ginger threw it, swearing as she practically paced a hole through the floor. From the doorway, her sister Sara spoke up.

“You’re the leak? You’re the reason Damien’s been a few steps ahead?”

That look of disappointment in her sister’s eyes had Ginger biting her lip and looking down, instantly ashamed of herself, despite Sara not really having any room to talk. “You don’t…”

“Don’t you dare tell me I won’t understand.” Sara was angry and hurt and stepping closer to the younger sister she thought she’d been bonding with.

Apparently, her baby sister was just using her as a means to an end. Sara stepped closer, glaring down at her and her sister swallowed hard, taking a few shaky breaths.

“Well? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself? I mean, color me curious. What’s so damn important that you’d throw all the good we’ve done.. That you’d throw your own sister.. Under the bus?”

“Damien promised me he’d bring back our dad and Laurel, okay? Look, you got years with them both. Mom, she… she whisked me away to Nebraska when I was still a baby. Do you think I liked growing up away from you guys? Do you think I wanted to deal with Mom always putting her teaching career over me and refusing to let me see our father or either of you?” Ginger snapped at her sister, pacing, winding her fingers through long blonde locks as she punched at the wall next to the door.

She was in over her head, she knew that now. Thing of it was, she was too little, too late. She clearly saw now that Damien had been using her from the start. Manipulating events that at any time could’ve gotten the team hurt or even killed. The only way out of the situation she’d gotten herself into was through it. And given the anger she saw in her sister’s eyes right now, asking for any kind of assistance to pull off what she had in mind was probably going to result in a brawl.

A throat cleared from the door and Ray stood there, staring at her in confusion. “You’re the leak? I thought..”

“Ray…”

Ray didn’t even bother sticking around, he turned and walked away, vanishing from Ginger’s sight and Ginger sank back into the chair, lightly beating her head against the back of it.

Yeah.. She was definitely going to have to go this one alone, it seemed. It’s what you deserve, Gin… her mind echoed as she stood and smoothed her shaking hands over the front of her favorite pair of jeans.

It dawned on her.. She had a particular advantage. Maybe if she acted quick.. She sprang up from the chair and made her way off the WaveRider….

And that was the absolute last thing she remembered, prior to waking up in the medic bay on the ship.

XXX

Everything fucking hurt. From the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes, there wasn’t a part of her that didn’t ache. The steady hum of the machines alerted her to the fact that something was.. Horribly wrong.

The platinum blond man stepped out, rubbed his hands together as he shook his head and chuckled. “I swear, I wish I knew what was so gosh darned enchanting about that idiot Palmer.. Not only did he manage to bewitch my own flesh and blood… But he got under the skin of one of my best assets.” the man tutted and shook his head, checking her vitals as he asked her calmly, “Do you still think shooting the serum directly into your neck was a good idea, Ginny? You’re such a smart girl, I’m almost disappointed to see you do something so foolish.”

“Look… I dunno who you are or what the fuck you’re talking about but… If you’re gonna kill me, make it quick, alright? It’s not like I got anything to live for.”

Damien eyed her, a brow raised at first. Then the look of confusion transformed into one of sheer joy. The memory erasing serum he’d been testing -and that she’d mistakenly grabbed when she was trying to steal the mock up of Mirakuru he had, it worked!

And it worked quite well.

Ginger felt that the guy was just dragging things out on purpose. She’d never really been a fan of someone who didn’t have the balls to get straight down to their intentions. Her mother always told her she got her mile wide stubborn streak and her strong sense of right and wrong from her father and that at times, it could be infuriating.

She managed to pry her wrists free and when the guy was puttering around his lab, she snuck up behind him, raising the only weapon she’d been able to find high above her head, every intention of braining him to death with it if it meant her making it out of this situation alive.

Her jaw dropped when he cleared his throat, lifted a finger and the object she held in her grasp fell to the floor with a noisy clank. He turned, staring her down. “If you’ll have a seat, I’m more than willing to explain everything… Including how you sought me out, desperate for dear old daddy to get one more chance at life… To have your whole family together again.. How you sold out your own sister for a chance to bring your dead one back.”

“You lying piece of shit!”

“Oh, but I’m telling the truth, darling.”

Ginger’s mouth opened and closed. While every fiber in her being wanted to believe the man was full of bullshit, there was this feeling deep down inside that insisted that no, he wasn’t.

And that thought blew her mind.

She went for the blunt object she’d been intending to use as a weapon again and Damien waved his hand, sending her crashing back into the room, a table toppling over on top of her. The table pinned her down, although by her own math, she should’ve easily been able to lift it.

The door burst open just as she started to black out all over again. She didn’t start coming to until she felt herself being scooped up.. The cologne.. Something about it was… familiar in a way.

She definitely knew whoever it was who was behind her rescue. She gripped hold of them, muttering the first name that came to her mind torn between consciousness and just giving in to the void again.

Ray sighed as he hurried down the hall, trying to locate Mick Rory to pass Ginger off for safety.

“Shh.. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m kinda like a cat. I tend to land on my…” she was starting to slip out again. Everything faded out and the next time she opened her eyes, she was somewhere entirely different. She almost wanted to say it was a hospital room… But something felt off about the whole thing.

The blonde woman who resembled her mother stepped towards her, a hand out and she tried to scoot as far away from her reach as possible. She was fighting against the drips and IV’s, hell bent on getting away and lucky she didn’t injure herself further. She stopped shy of ripping anything out because she’d always heard that doing that was never a good idea and she wasn’t keen on dying.

“Who the hell are all of you? Where the fuck am I?”

Sara caught her just as she managed to get a hand down to where her thick soled boots would’ve been normally and she spoke up. “Do you remember anything?”

“No… Wait… I remember a fight with a biker in an alley. Because he caught onto me hustling him in a game of pool..” Something about the memory didn’t feel right, but she wasn’t.. Sure about anything enough to know.

Sara glanced at Ray, tears stinging at her eyes. This was similar to the way her sister acted before they reconnected. Had her father lived -and been the one to raise Ginger, he would’ve definitely had his hands full, given some of their intel on her prior to choosing her to become a Legend.

Sara sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m Sara. Your sister.”

Ginger eyed her, wary. “I haven’t seen her since I was 4. How do I know you’re not lying? Mom told me Sara died…” Ginger trailed off, fidgeting.

“Mom believes that too. Nothin Dad tried tellin her would convince her otherwise.” Sara reached out and tilted her sister’s chin to make her meet her gaze. “Do you remember anything?” Sara tried again, hoping that maybe jogging her sister’s memory would free anything.

“Coming to Star City and visiting Dad’s grave..”

Ginger’s eyes settled on the lanky brunette male standing in the doorway and she nodded to him. “Getting shitfaced and waking up in a bed with that guy… Have you two… ya know? Because that tongue…” Ginger fanned herself, giving a giggle of delight at the way the guy blushed when every set of eyes in the room with him turned to fix on him at once. “In all seriousness.. He will totally rock your world.”

Ray’s face darkened and he cleared his throat.

Mick was quick to step between Ray and Sara, reminding her that the important thing here was to find out what Dahrk did to her kid sister while the guy had her. Ginger rubbed her head and grimaced as she felt dried blood and what felt to be a clumsy attempt at stitches.

“Well this is just peachy.” she mumbled as the others stepped out into the hallway. Sara immediately slapped Ray in the back of the head and Ray gave her a sheepish look.

“You… I can’t even right now.”

“Try being me.. She remembers our first night together.. But doesn’t remember anything else.. I get the feeling she might not take it well when she realizes just how serious we’d gotten before that night she left to go stupidly offer herself up to Damien.” Ray shook his head, swinging at a wall. “I still can’t believe she fucking did it.”

“She thought if she went and stole the device and serum herself, she’d be giving us an edge. She had all the passcodes to his compound, Ray. She’s never been afraid of anything. We both know this. Did you really think she’d sit back and just.. Let things go?”

“I wish she had.” Ray grumbled, taking a few deep breaths, staring intently into the room Ginger was currently recovering in. He’d spent months thinking he lost her too, that she’d died when they faced off against Damien a third or fourth time. And then they started to hear rumors about some badass new assassin. Apparently, she’d gotten on Damien’s bad side somehow, because the next thing they knew, Gideon was picking up a ping on Ginger.

Given that Sara had way more than enough time to calm down, to figure out the motive behind Ginger playing double agent, - a talk with her mother helped, and that in the months following Sara cooling down, she had ample amounts of time to settle into a pattern of blaming herself for her baby sister possibly dying, them going to try and rescue her and face Damien one final time was inevitable.

Ray hadn’t worried about anything beyond getting Ginger the fuck out of the compound. In fact, he’d kind of stepped up and really taken on leadership of the whole attempt.

Sara hadn’t been in the mindset to think clearly. To be honest, he hadn’t either, but he knew he wasn’t going to lose another woman he loved.

His hand rested against the glass as he watched Ginger like a hawk through the window. He couldn’t stay away, so while the others were talking, he made his way in quietly. Ginger’s eyes lit up at seeing him and she teased quietly, “Come to give me sweet dreams again, Dr. Feelgood?”

Ray stared at his hands. There was so much he wanted to say to her. Things he needed to say. But it all got trumped by the fact that he was just glad she was there and alive and able to say things to drive him crazy and make him blush.

“How’d you know?”

“Know what?” Ginger asked, moving to sit up, sort of snuggling against his side and leaning her head against his shoulder.

“I’m technically a doctor.. And that’s what you called me….”

“After that night when I woke up in your penthouse. I remember that much.” Ginger nodded, giving a frustrated sigh. The light bounced off of something on a chain around her neck, and curious, Ginger pulled the chain out of it’s hiding place beneath her favorite tee shirt. As soon as she saw the dog tags and read the name on them… And the simple engagement ring that was also on the chain, everything rushed back to her at once and she sighed, going quiet.

“Oh.”

Ray eyed her, eyed the necklace he knew she never took off. He swallowed hard at the sight of the engagement ring he’d gotten her as a ‘joke’ when they were stranded in 1975 together on her first mission with the team.

“You were more than just a one night stand to me and true to form, I completely fucked that up.. My sister, she… Why would any of you even bother coming for me after what I did?”

“Maybe sometimes, princess.. Maybe sometimes the good guys fall for the bad girls. Did you really think I was going to just leave you there?”

“Ray, I would’ve left me there, okay? I can’t believe I was so fuckin stupid. Damien was never gonna bring either of them back.. And I betrayed the only sister I have left.. And you, I-…” she trailed off, looking down at her lap. She was about to do something she hated doing and tried to av oid at all costs.

Something she hadn’t done since the night she came to Star City and spent an entire night sitting at her father’s graveside doing it. The fat tear made it’s trek down her face just as Ray tilted her chin to make her look at him.

“I get it. I didn’t at first. I wanted to hate you. I really wanted to hate myself… Especially after we thought.. Ginger, you’ve been gone almost a year now. We thought you died… I spent almost a year thinking that you died. Knowing I could’ve stopped you from leaving that night, but I was too disgusted by what you were doing to bother.”

He leaned in, cradling her cheek against his hand, wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “Everything is going to be okay. You’re back and I’m not… Nothing like that is ever going to happen to us again.”

Ginger swallowed hard. “It’s not too late?”

“When you really love someone, Ginger, it’s never too late to try and fix things. If that’s what you want.”

Ginger glanced down at the dog tags and the ring he’d given her in joking. She slipped the necklace from it’s place around her neck, unfastening it. Ray raised a brow, biting his lip as she slipped the ring off the ball chain and onto her finger.

“Does that answer your question, Dr. Palmer?”

He pulled her onto his lap and as they started to kiss, throats cleared from the doorway.

“For fucks sake, you two! Jesus, get a room.” Sara turned until they’d both finally caught on to not being in the room alone and could be bothered to pry themselves apart in the sense of public decency.

“You both done now?”

“Actually, as soon as I can get these stupid fucking drips out of me…”

“Don’t… Don’t you dare finish that, Ginger Louise Lance.” Sara groaned, laughing as she moved closer, making an attempt to hug her sister.

[dimples-of-discontent]

My Cockles Crack Masterpost:

Hello, yes, did any of you need a little pick-me-up? I know I do. So I’ve collected for you all most of the Cockles crack that I’ve written. I left off collaborative pieces of crack and ones attached to long gifsets. But all the text posts (especially “Jensen vs. Jensen’s brain”) are all there. I’ll drop a cut somewhere since this baby is long but I hope you all enjoy. 

LONG LIVE TEAM DUMPSTER MANSION!!! 

Dabb: So, let’s have AU Cas.

SPN writers: Cool. Why don’t we ask Misha to do one of his accents?

Jensen: *flings door open* *pants* AM I TOO LATE?! DID I MISS IT?!

BONUS alternative by @postmodernmulticoloredcloak​:

Dabb: So, let’s have AU Cas.

Everyone: …

Jensen: *starts vibrating at a very high frequency*

Misha: …okay I’ll do an accent

Isn’t it so weird that none of Jensen’s kids look like Misha?

Jensen is CONSTANTLY hosting his own episodes of Queer Eye and every one is about Misha.

[Below the cut]

Jensen: *looks up suddenly and stares into the middle distance* *vibrates at a high frequency*

Danneel: What is it, babe?

Jensen: Somewhere…Misha is doing an accent. Badly. He’s doing it badly, but he’s still doing it.

Danneel: You’ve gotta go!

Jensen: You’re right, I’ve gotta go!

Somewhere in Austin a high-pitched whistle blows.

Jensen, holding his ears and running into the kitchen: Alright, alright! What?!

Danneel, points wordlessly at laptop screen where this is displayed.

Jensen: Oh no.

Danneel, accusatory: I thought you HID those!

Jensen: I did! *pause* Why would he look in my dirty laundry anyway?

*Danneel stares*

Jensen: Oh right. I guess he needed something to wear.

Danneel: Pretty dumb, babe.

Jensen: Hmmm…yeah. *pause, then, hopeful* I guess we couldn’t fly to Hawaii to get them, right? *pause* No, no of course not. *mumbles* Damn shorts.

Text convo, probably:

Jensen: mish miss you. send me a pic.

Misha: *photo of something random like an interesting leaf*

Jensen: no, i mean like i MISS you miss you. send a pic of you.

Misha: *photo of his foot*

Jensen: oh for fuck’s sake! *posts flex meme and tags misha in it*

Jensen: there now it’s public you have to do it. and you can fuck off.

Misha: *sends dick pic*

Me: god Misha has the perfect jawline. Not that it matters.

Lizard brain: lick it

Me: yes, yes if I actually had a real relationship with him that would be well and good but…

Lizard brain: LICKIT

Me: yes, yes I heard you but what’s crucial is that Misha is one of the very best humans out there not that he has the stubbled and chiseled jawline of a Greek god so I really think we should focus on…

Jensen (in the distance): oh my God! it doesn’t have to be a choice, dummy!! L I CK IT!!

Jensen’s brain: It’s Misha’s birthday. We love Misha. Say it.

Jensen: No. We are in public. I am just going to call him “the man” and post a cute pic of us in matching outfits.

Jensen’s brain: NOOOOOO…SAYITSAYITSAYITWELOVEHIMSAYIT

Jensen: God fine ok…but I’m using an emoji not words.

Jensen’s brain: Acceptable.

Jensen: And also I’m going to add “bro”.

Jensen’s brain: …. 😒

Jensen: So now no one will ever know.

Jensen’s brain: 🙄

(About this mess right here)

Jensen’s brain: hold his hand

Jensen: NO it will look gay!

Jensen’s brain: but…you are gay for each other? so who cares?

Jensen: Yes, but we can’t LOOK gay ok? So just shake hands.

Jensen’s brain: fine 🙄

**Jensen does whatever this subby, hand-groping bullshit is**

Jensen’s brain: is that…. is that how humans shake hands? in a non-gay way?

Jensen: Shut up.

Jensen’s brain: i’m just trying to understand

Jensen: Shut up, asshole

Jensen’s brain: 😏

Look, I know it’s not going to happen, but all I want in life is for Jensen to respond to Misha’s shirtless video by saying “Hey Mish, if you need a shirt I have a few old ones for you.”

New theory: Jensen gives Misha so many shirts because otherwise his natural inclination is to run around bare-chested and Jensen’s poor, queer heart cannot handle it. (Photo version.)

Cockles trash cat meme origin

So you know how you sometimes go out with you friends and one of them gets way too drunk and ends up getting confessional with someone they don’t know that well? And you kind of want to stop them but, y’know, it’s their life and their choices so you have nothing to do but sit back and watch and be equal parts mildly horrified that they are spilling secrets to a relative stranger and incredibly amused at how they will feel about it later?

THAT is how I feel watching Misha tell the same story, over and over, about wearing Jensen’s hand-me-down shirts.

Misha, you’re currently my intensely emotional drunk friend and you need to stop before you reach the point of crying in the club. Neither of us can handle that. Thanks in advance.

Misha on social media: hahaha…Jensen is my cabin boy…that means he’s a sub who likes BDSM…hahaha…gonna make a comment about a giant space tongue rimming Jensen b/c why not lolz…gonna post a pic of myself covered in white goo and imply that it’s come from the conclusion of a threesome with Jensen and Jared…haha I’m such a scamp…I’m just incorrigible…teehee…

Misha when a fan mentions clothing: WHAT’S A JENSEN??? I’ve never heard of one and even if I had I definitely wouldn’t have had any non-heterosexual thoughts or feelings about him…and we’re absolutely not so close that we share in casual intimacy without a second thought…what could possibly make you think that?? I DON’T EVEN LIKE JENSEN OK!!!

Stages of Cockles in Gifs.

I feel like Jensen is one con away from straight-up answering an only tangentially-related question with, “…and that’s why I love Misha. You do know I love Misha, right? Like, love love him, like the way we love our wives. I feel like you guys get it so let’s just move on. Next question!”

At the next con, Jensen and Misha will be projecting the words “JUST SO YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS MAN” on the side of the building across from the hotel in case you somehow miss that message in their panels.

At the next con, Jensen and Misha will be screening a 12-minute video that is just them giggling while one of them films the other; there will be no lines and nothing else will happen. Fandom will deem it a masterpiece.

At the next con, instead of his usual classic rock covers, Jensen will be performing a spoken word piece about how great Misha is, accompanied by Jared on bongos and Richard Speight on the kazoo.

In the final episode we are brought to the realization that the show DOES exist in our universe and on our timeline and that this entire time J2M have ACTUALLY BEEN TFW and kept this cover story about being actors on a TV show to keep us from knowing what they are really up to. Most of the show is just footage of their lives, though some of the things on the show were just absurd and to keep us off track.

Misha Collins is an actual angel. Jensen Ackles is a grumpy-faced softie with the biggest nerd streak. Jared Padalecki is a fiercely loyal and intelligent guy who has fought off more than his share of darkness. Gen and Danneel are actually supernatural creatures though neither will fully commit to being an angel or demon. Vicki is too powerful to be captured on film. And of course Jensen and Misha have been husbands for years. It was hard to hide that one on the show.

Jensen: *does interview quote game on his own* Great! Now, I’m gonna go get Misha. He’s gonna be so terrible at this game lol…He has the worst memory and never watches the show…hahaha isn’t that so cute?

Interviewer: oh actually we weren’t quite done interviewing you…

Jensen: yeah but Mish is gonna be so bad at this and I can’t afford to miss that! Imma go find him right now!

Interviewer: you really don’t have to…we’re actually talking to you all individually.

Jensen: ….

Interviewer: y’know, so we can cut the clips together?

Jensen: ….

Interviewer: And because you probably have a lot of other interviews at this huge press event for your 300th episode?

Jensen: ….. Yeah, no, I’m getting him right now. Hey, Mish! Get in here!

Filming with JenMish (aka “why’s Dean wearing a seatbelt?”)

**Jensen makes a dirty joke and Misha cracks up** **Misha and Jensen playfully push each other around the front seat of the car** **Misha says one thing that is mildly amusing and Jensen falls over laughing**

Sanchez, conferring with Bob Singer: What do you do to stop this?

Singer: strap one of them down

Sanchez: You mean, like, tell them to get it together or else?

Singer: No, no. I mean LITERALLY strap one of them down.

Sanchez: ….

Singer: Why do you think they get tied to so many chairs? **sighs** These two have cost us so much in duct tape.

photographer: alright, everyone, fight each other for pie! jensen: mish, you should pull my hair. misha: why? it’s not like that would stop you moving your arm. jensen: …. jensen: misha. you. should. PULL. MY. HAIR. misha: ooohhhhhh! jared: I don’t want to be here for this.

Cockles is the gay booze cruise of ships.

a text exchange that probably happened: jensen: I can’t believe ur still going running on vacation jensen: nerd misha: hello to you too. … misha: awww, babe, you must really miss me! that comment is so sappy! jensen: shut up misha: you “dig” the “WHOLE THING” huh? jensen: fuck off misha: don’t I know it!! jensen: fuck OFF misha: now I have to go like it. … misha: ok done. you huge softie. jensen: not always misha: oh really? misha: how about now? jensen: not now jensen: call me misha; as you wish…

Jensen’s brain (Jensain): holy shit!! look at our hot husband!! mmm…we like the grey and the sweat and the beard and, hey, did we give him that shirt? Jensen: yep. Jensen’s brain: and he sounds all smart and sincere, which turns us on….WOW we’ve been apart for too long! Jensen: tell me about it. Jensen’s brain: Say something about how good he looks. Jensen: I can’t. It’s public. Jensen’s brain: You gotta. Jensen: I. CAN’T. Jensen’s brain: But how these bitches gonna know he’s yours!? Do you know how many people are looking at this video RIGHT NOW?! Jensen: OMG Jensen’s brain: OMG Jensen: they gotta know… Jensen’s brain: YESSSSS!! DO IT!! Tell everyone the sexy, scruffy, deep-voiced, poetry-reciting motherfucker standing in the sunlight belongs to you! Jensen: I can’t say that. I’m just..gonna…tease him? about something? Jensen’s brain: u serious? 😒 Jensen: Well…no… Jensen’s brain: tell him you like the whole package! Jensen: I cannot use the word “package” about Misha in public. Jensen’s brain: 😏 Jensen’s brain: Fine! Can you at least mention how strong he is? Jensen: … I guess that’s less…gay… Jensen’s brain: uh-huh, sure. way less gay. 🙄 Jensen: ok, I did it. now leave me alone. I have to post a picture of my family so that no one suspects I only logged in because I have alerts set for Misha. Jensen’s brain: … Jensen’s brain: hey, you know who looks sexy in flannel PJs?? Jensen: ALRIGHT THAT’S IT

me: *wakes up in a cold sweat and sits upright in bed*

But how much of the mockumentary did Jensen shoot??!?

Misha is busting out of his shirt and jacket in those EW pics again, which makes me think something like this exchange must have taken place:

EW stylists: So, what size is Misha? SPN costumers: Eh, he’s the small one. EW stylists: But…he doesn’t…look small? SPN costumers: Nah, trust us, he’s the small one. EW stylists: Uh, looks more like he’s a 6’ wall of muscle but ok Misha: What’s a clothes? I will wear it. *Jensen sobbing in the background*

”I’m Full Frontal in Here Dude: Guest Starring Misha Collins” title of Jensen’s sex tape.

Jensen’s brain: you should give Misha that valentine.

Jensen: Yeah, good. It will work for the video. Like, as a joke.

Jensen’s brain: no. not joke. he’s your valentine.

Jensen: No he’s…

Jensen’s brain: you can’t lie to me. I’m you.

Jensen: shit. that’s true.

…

Jensen’s brain: Sooooo…valentine?

Jensen: Fine, but I’m gonna call him “buddy” when I give it to him.

Jensen’s brain: 😐

Jensen: People can’t KNOW!!

Jensen’s brain: You literally just called him your valentine on camera on a livestream but OK WHATEVER make sure you say “buddy.”

Jensen: I did WHAT??!

Jensen’s brain: Why do I bother? 🙄

Destiel AU where Cas is a poet who writes secret poems for Dean and posts them anonymously to an Instagram account that he gets Dean to follow and Dean falls in love with the mystery man he feels is speaking to him…and then realizes it was the guy he already crushed on from afar.

aka AU where Destiel is Cockles (with some tiny changes)

[starrystarrybabe]

Oh, How the Mighty Fall [In Love] CHAPTER SEVEN (Ben Hardy x OC)

Lily Anne Mercury is brought in to help with Bohemian Rhapsody at the request of her Uncle Bri and Uncle Rog, and along the way, she might meet someone to share her life with. The only problem with this is that while their friends and the world can see that they’re perfect for each other, they’re going to be fully blind to this for a while.

CHAPTER ONE, CHAPTER TWO, CHAPTER THREE, CHAPTER FOUR, CHAPTER FIVE, CHAPTER SIX

DISCLAIMER: I’m fully aware that it would’ve been physically impossible for Jim and Freddie to have a child even with this method during the time they were alive, but the idea of Freddie as a dad and the idea of how his child would turn out to be was just too sweet for me to not write.

Hello everyone! I apologize for the long ass wait time. Emotionally and mentally, I’m not doing the best rn, and it’s really kicking my ass. I tried my hardest on this chapter, and I hope y’all like it!

-- casey

TRIGGERS: mentions of alcoholism? Honestly nothing is really that spicy in this installment of the story

FACECLAIMS:

Kelly Gale as Lily Anne Mercury

Sira P. Kante as Ezichi Adebayo

Erika Linder as Bronwyn Ryan-Hughes

Bree Kish as Madigan Ryan-Hughes

“Can you believe this shit? I’m not invited to the Golden Globes because I wasn’t ‘close enough to the project!’” Lily Anne scoffs, pacing in the studio as she rants to Zichi. “That’s complete and utter horseshit and we all know it. I was there almost every day we weren’t on tour! Fuck the Golden Globes!”

Ezichi sips her tea, frowning in confusion. “You’re Freddie’s daughter. You helped in every step of the project. You’re dedicated to keeping his memory alive. Why wouldn’t you be invited to an event celebrating a movie that created a whole new generation of Queen fans to help in those efforts?”

Lily Anne nods furiously, flailing her arms in distress. “Exactly! I don’t get it.”

Zichi nods. “It makes no sense. I’m going as Gwil’s plus one, but if you really want to be there, I would give up my spot for you.”

Lily Anne shakes her head. “No, please don’t do that. You and Gwil deserve to have a nice night out and some rocking sex in a hotel bed. I won’t take that away from you.”

Ezichi blushes at Lily’s comment. “Really, Lily. My sex life is fine without hotel rooms. I don’t need to go.”

She raises a brow. “Just fine? That’s upsetting, I thought Gwil would do better than fine.”

Ezichi rolls her eyes before putting down her cup. “Lily, tell Ben and Joe that you’re not invited to the Globes.”

Lily frowns. “Why?”

Ezichi grins. “If Gwil got a plus one, I’m sure that the same invitation went out to Ben and Joe. Either of them could bring you.”

She perks up and kisses Zichi’s forehead, cupping her cheeks. “Ezichi Adebayo, you absolute genius of a woman. I love you to the moon and back.”

She takes out her phone as Ezichi grins.

Lily Anne: IM SENDING OUT AN SOS TO EVERYONE

Lily Anne: I HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES

Lily Anne: I NEED TO BE SOMEONE’S PLUS ONE

Dinosaur Boy: why didn’t they invite you???

Lily Anne: i wasn’t “close enough to the project”

Benjamin Jones: that’s absolute bullshit!

Benjamin Jones: fuckin wankers

Lily Anne: i know, right? anyways, if one of you lovely men could take me as a plus one, i’d fucking love that.

---

“Hello?” Joe picks up his phone, leaning back on his couch.

“Hey. It’s Ben. I need a favor,” his friend frantically asks.

“Sure thing, Benny. What do you need?” Joe asks, perking up.

“Ask Lily to be your plus one,” he says.

“But-- but she loves you, not me! She’d like it more if you brought her,” Joe says, frowning.

Ben lets out a whine of distress. “Please, Joe. I’ll get too nervous, and fuck something up, and I can’t afford to lose this-- I can’t afford to lose her.”

Joe nods slowly, biting his lip. “Okay. I get what you’re saying--”

“--then do this one favor for me, please!” Ben interrupts, stressed out.

“I will! Just promise me one thing,” Joe says.

“What is it? I’ll do literally anything to repay you for this,” Ben asks.

“You ask her to the Oscars,” Joe responds.

Ben fumbles with his words for a minute before sighing heavily. “Sure. I’ll do that.”

Joe grins. “Good. I’ll ask her later today, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you so much, buddy,” Ben says, sounding much more relaxed.

“You’re welcome, Ben,” Joe says. “Remember, you’re asking her to the Oscars!”

“Don’t worry, I will!” Ben insists.

“Alright. I’ll see you soon, Ben.”

“Thanks, mate. Bye.”

When Ben hangs up, he sees Frankie looking at him with a distinctly unimpressed expression.

“You wouldn’t understand, Frankie.”

The dog huffs and walks out of the room.

---

Lily Anne is reclining in her oversized bathtub, enjoying a bath bomb and a face mask. Reykja sits on the bath mat, chewing on her bone, and Lily Anne has her eyes closed and is listening to royalty-free spa music she downloaded online onto her phone. She’s very zen at the moment. Suddenly her phone rings, and she frowns, opening one eye in annoyance. This is her free time. How dare someone interrupt it.

She looks at the phone and sees that Joe is calling, and picks up. “Lily Anne Mercury, speaking. You’ve interrupted my bath time, so this better be worth it, Dinosaur Boy.”

Joe gasps. “Oh, no! I’m so sorry, Lily. I can call later, but I think you’d want to hear this.”

She nods and leans back. “Alright. What’s going on?”

“Ben asked me to do something,” he says.

Lily Anne perks up, smiling. “Oh?”

“Don’t get too happy. He asked me to ask you to the Golden Globes.”

She sighs and leans back in the tub. “Oh… why isn’t he asking me?”

“He got scared, alright? I know I’m not him, and you’d rather be with him, but would you like to go to the Golden Globes with me? You don’t need to be by my side the entire time, just on the red carpet. Once that’s over, feel free to do whatever--” Joe begins ranting, and it’s the most considerate rant Lily Anne has ever heard.

“I’d love to go to the Golden Globes with you, Joe,” Lily says, smiling fondly.

“Great! It’s a date then,” Joe responds.

“What color is your bow tie? I can try to match it, if you’d like,” Lily asks, petting her pup lazily with one hand.

“I was thinking just doing a black one. Wear whatever you want. You’ll look good in anything.”

Lily laughs. “You’re too kind, darling. I’ll try not to overdress.”

Joe lets out a breath of laughter. “Alright. I’ll see you soon, Lily. Get back to your bath.”

“Have a nice night, Joe,” she responds before hanging up and letting out a deep sigh.

She looks down as Reykja blinks up at her curiously.

“I really thought Ben was going to ask me, didn’t you, girl?”

The dog lets out a yip of agreement.

“It’s alright, though. I’ll be fine, love. There’s always other events.”

1991

“Darling, must you do this?” Freddie asks from the tub filled with bubbles, looking over at Jim. “She’s still so young.”

Jim raises a brow and looks over at Freddie. “I found a knot in her hair yesterday that looked like it could be a bird’s nest, Freddie. It’s time.”

Freddie takes time to release a bone-shaking cough and leans back in the tub. “It’s such a shame, though. Her curls are immaculate!”

Jim sighs. “She’ll still have the curls afterward. If anything they’ll be more pronounced since her hair will be shorter.”

Lily Anne’s hair has gotten out of control, lately. It is past her butt, and the Indian genetics she has makes it very thick. Nobody in their right mind would be alright with spending over an hour detangling a two-year-old’s hair every day.

Freddie frowns. “Oh, alright. Just make sure she looks cute.”

Jim grins and kisses the little girl propped up on the bathroom counter. “She’s half you. Of course she’ll look cute. She’ll be beautiful no matter what haircut she has.”

Lily Anne coos, waving her little hands around. Her parents grin at her, and Freddie looks on with a happy gaze. He’s so lucky to be able to see her grow at least this much, though he knows that his time in this world is coming to its close.

“Ready for the cut, flower?” Jim asks. “It won’t hurt, sweetie.”

Lily blows a spit bubble and as Jim cuts her wet curls, she makes her mouth into an ‘o’ shape and watches in the mirror. She giggles and takes a handful of her hair, giving it a gentle tug. Jim pries her fingers away and quickly finishes the job, and Lily grins, looking at her shoulder-length curls.

Jim turns the girl towards Freddie and grins.

“You look amazing, darling girl!” Freddie coos hoarsely, smiling at his baby girl.

“You really should trust me more, love. I told you she’d look wonderful no matter what haircut she has,” Jim chuckles, kissing Lily’s cheek.

Preparing for the Golden Globes

Lily Anne smiles as her ends are trimmed, watching in the mirror. “My dad gave me my first haircut, you know. He was a barber before becoming the gardener at Garden Lodge,” she says, smiling wistfully.

The hair stylist smiles, trimming a little bit more off her ends. “That’s so sweet! Did he always cut your hair?”

She laughs. “Yes, until I began dying my hair in college and doing crazy punk hairstyles by myself. He seemed horrified but didn’t complain. He even bought me a hair straightener that wouldn’t fry it nearly as much as the cheap one I had.”

The stylist nods. “I remember when you would come out with crazy hair colors and choppy bangs and I really loved it.”

She grins. “Thank you, darling. That’s so sweet!”

The rest of the time passes and by the end of it, Lily’s hair is in a half bun, with the rest of it gently curled. Then, the makeup artist comes in and does a fairly natural look on her, but with an intense smokey eye. When she looks in the mirror, she smiles.

“Oh, it’s perfect, darling! Thank you so much!”

The artist smiles and shrugs. “You were a wonderful canvas. Thank you for the opportunity, Miss Mercury.”

She scoffs. “Call me Lily. I will be calling you the next time I’m in Los Angeles. Consider yourself booked for the Oscars, love.”

The makeup artist leaves and Lily changes into her dress, which is a stunning custom McQueen mermaid gown, emerald green with Swarovski crystals adorning the entire thing in place of embroidery. It dips low and creates a lot of cleavage, and the crystals are in the shape of Freddie’s face. Her assistant helps her put on her crystal choker and hoops, and she smiles as she looks in the mirror. Finally, her Louboutins are put on, and she hears a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” She asks.

“Your hot date,” Joe replies.

She picks up her matching clutch and opens the door, revealing Joe in a nicely tailored suit. He looks her over, in awe.

“Wow, Lily… I’m the one with the hot date,” he says, looking at the dress. “That’s Freddie’s face! Holy shit!”

She shakes her head. “The suit fits you perfectly, Mr. Mazzello. You look absolutely dashing. How are you still single?”

Joe shrugs. “I dunno. Must be my personality, I guess.”

Lily scoffs and shakes her head. “I’ll have none of that self-depricating nonsense tonight. Now, let’s get to the car, shall we?”

Joe holds out his arm for her and she takes it, smiling as they walk downstairs to the car, where Gwil and Ezichi are waiting. Allen, his daughter, Ben, Rami, and Lucy have already left for the event.

They enter the car and Gwil looks at Lily’s dress, nodding in approval. “You look very nice tonight, Lily. I love the dress.”

She grins. “Why thank you, Gwil! The suit is fabulous. Did Ezichi have the final say?”

Ezichi kisses Gwil’s cheek and nods. “Of course I did, and didn’t I do well?”

Joe nods. “Hell yeah, you did. You didn’t do too badly yourself, Zichi. That’s a wonderful pantsuit.”

Ezichi is wearing a white and black harlequin wide leg pantsuit with small diamonds on the edges of it, and she looks stunning.

Ezichi grins. “Thank you, Joe. It might be hard to piss in, but at least I look great.”

Gwil wraps an arm around his girlfriend. “You look magnificent, Zichi.”

Ezichi leans into her boyfriend and Lily lets out a fake vomit noise with Joe.

“Disgusting,” Lily says.

“Find a room,” Joe adds.

“If you wanted to fuck that badly, you shouldn’t have chosen a pantsuit,” Lily comments.

The pair blushes and Lily and Joe crack up, leaning back in their seats.

---

When they’re escorted to the red carpet, Ben is waiting for Joe to arrive, and when he sees Lily Anne--

Wow. She looks gorgeous.

Instant regret fills his head, and thoughts swirl as she approaches in her green gown.

‘Why didn’t you ask you, you bloody idiot? She’s stunning, and she could be on your arm right now if you had the fucking balls to ask her to the event. You’re an idiot, a right idiot, and you blew it.’

He’s forced out of his thoughts when she comes up to him, smiling. “No plus one, Ben?”

Ben refocuses on her. “A-ah, no. No plus one. My mum couldn’t come with me, and I didn’t want to ask anyone on Tinder.” He lets out a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.

She shrugs. “Oh, well. It’s a shame.” She thinks for a moment before smiling. “You know what? I can be both yours and Joe’s plus one. I’m alright with being shared for the night.”

Joe comes up to Ben and gives him a hug. “Looking good, buddy.”

Ben grins at Joe. “Better than Cardy B?”

Joe laughs and nods. “Much better than Cardy B.”

Lily grins, taking both boys’ arms. “It’s showtime, boys. Let’s show them all how wonderful we are.”

The trio walks down the red carpet, and their names are screamed by the masses. Cameras flash, and Lily helps them navigate with practiced poise. She’s been doing this since she was a child, and the spotlight is where she belongs. They split up once it gets to the photos, and she puts on a smile, showing off her custom gown.

After some group photo ops, Lily goes off with Zichi and Lucy, and the girls enter the building.

Lucy smiles at Lily as they stop by the bar, and squeezes her hand. “What was your favorite cocktail when you drank?”

Lily looks at Lucy and smiles. “I loved Moscow mules.”

Lucy nods and looks to the bartender. “Can you make a vodka tonic and a virgin Moscow mule, please?” The bartender nods, and Lucy turns back to Lily. “You look upset. Is it because Ben didn’t ask you to the event?”

She lets out a deep sigh and Zichi rubs her back. “He loves you, Lily. It’s just because he’s nervous.”

Lily shakes her head. “Everyone is saying that, but… I need to hear it from him before I fully let myself believe it. I mean, him loving me would be a dream come true. I’ve never experienced my dreams going according to plan. Most times they backfire. I can’t risk losing this one. If I do… I’ll never find anyone I love as much as I love him.”

The bartender passes them their drinks, and Lily Anne tries hers. It tastes… delicious. Her face lights up.

“Excuse me, darling? I must have the recipe for this drink. It’s amazing, and to do it without alcohol is impressive.”

The bartender nods and writes down the recipe on a napkin, grinning. “I’m glad you like it! Here you go. Enjoy.”

She takes the napkin and places it in her clutch, grinning.

Lucy smiles. “Did that make tonight a little better?”

Lily nods, and Zichi hugs her friend. “You deserve nice things, Lily. One of those nice things can be Ben.”

Lily smiles and when she pulls away, she smirks. “One of your nice things can be rocking hotel sex. You don’t have to clean the sheets the next day, so go wild!”

Ezichi coughs, keeling over at Lily’s words. Lucy laughs, leaning against the bar. Lily sips her drink, pleased with herself.

When Brian and Roger enter and see the scene, immediately they tense up as they see a drink in Lily’s hand.

“That better be bloody virgin, Lily,” Roger says, raising a brow.

She nods and smiles, holding out her drink for him to try. “100% virgin, unlike us.”

He sips the drink and nods before handing it back to her. “Not bad. I like it. What’s got Zichi so red?”

She smirks. “I told her that she deserves good hotel sex.”

Roger scoffs and nods. “Hell yeah, she does! The best part is that you don’t have to wash the sheets afterward!”

Lily grins. “That’s what I said.”

Ezichi grimaces. “He’s corrupted you.”

Roger grins and kisses Lily’s forehead, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and jostling her. “Been doing that since day one.”

Brian speaks up, rubbing Ezichi’s back. “We’re going to take our seats with Rami, but we’ll see you later. Hopefully, we win something,” he says, crossing his fingers.

Lily nods and hugs her uncle. “Of course you will. Freddie’s energy was central in the movie, and he thrived despite the odds. This movie will too.”

Brian kisses the top of her head and smiles. “Send some good energy to us, alright?”

She nods. “Of course we will. You go sit down.”

Rami is walking by and comes over, kissing Lucy. She smiles and as he leaves, he yells, “Let's do this shit!”

Brian and Roger join the younger man and Lily laughs.

“He’s so strange and wonderful,” Lucy says, placing her hand on her cheek.

Lily nods. “I agree. Let’s go to our seats.”

The girls head off to get to their seats.

—-

Ben leans back on the couch, nursing a glass of sparkling water. Joe comes over to join him, holding a vodka tonic.

“Not drinking yet, Ben?” He asks, sitting next to his friend.

Ben shakes his head. “Nah. I don’t want Lily to be the only sober one and have to take care of us both. I’d feel bad if she had to do that.”

Joe presses his lips together. “You regret not asking her, don’t you?”

Ben nods, closing his eyes. “She looks… so beautiful. To think I could’ve had her on my arm but I chickened out makes me feel like an idiot.”

Joe nods. “She looks amazing. You know what? Don’t be sad.” He slaps Ben’s thigh. “She can sit in between us. You’ll get to have time with her alone later, alright?”

Ben rubs his thigh. “Sure. Thanks, mate. I really appreciate it.”

Lily walks in with Zichi and Lucy, and Gwil wraps an arm around his girlfriend, leading her over to the couch, where she promptly leans her head on his chest. Lucy sits next to Rami’s mother.

Joe and Ben part and pat the seat in between them, and Lily sits in between the pair, smiling.

Joe stands up and looks over the crowd. “I’m going to get a refill. Does anyone want anything?”

The group gives Joe their orders, and he walks over to the bar. Lily Anne leans back, squeezing Ben’s hand.

“How’d the red carpet stuff go?” she asks him, smiling.

“Good,” he says, smiling. “The interviews went well.”

She smiles and nods. “Great! That’s wonderful, Ben! Interviewers can be shitty and ask dumb questions, so I’m glad yours were good.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “One of them implied that Roger in the 70’s wasn’t beautiful, so I replied and said that he was wrong, and if I was around, I may have turned.”

She snorts, covering her mouth. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate that answer.”

Joe comes back and hands people their drinks. He takes his seat and sips his own, watching as the T.V. turns on the awards show starting. The crowd quiets, and Lily smiles. Her parents are watching fondly from above.

---

The anticipation in the room is palpable when the announcer opens the envelope containing the name of the winner. Lily squeezes Ben and Joe’s hands and prays a silent prayer that Rami wins.

When his name is announced, they stand and scream, hugging each other and laughing. There is no sweeter feeling than a well-earned victory. She launches herself into Ben’s arms, and the sound of his laughter fills her with joy. She looks up at him, and their noses touch, and she freezes up because if she just leaned in a few inches closer she’d be kissing him, and he’s looking down at her and panicking--

Joe comes up behind her and turns the affair into a group hug, and she’s snapped out of her thoughts, laughing once more. When they sit down, she takes a deep breath and looks at Ben, who’s staring straight ahead with a wide eyed look on his face.

Oh, God. That could’ve been fucked up so quickly.

When she turns back to the screen to watch Rami’s acceptance speech, she feels Ben’s eyes on her and blushes.

The second win garners a similar reaction, but this time, Lily hugs Joe, just to avoid making a mistake with Ben. Lord knows that this time, she might not have been able to restrain herself.

---

The afterparty is hosted in Roger’s suite, and after being so kind as to ask permission to drink from Lily, she tells Ben that he can drink however much he wants. He promptly downs four shots of vodka without blinking, and Lily is shocked. The alcohol will hit hard and she knows it. However, she’s curious to see what the alcohol does to Ben.

Apparently, he becomes a frat boy. He’s with Joe, who’s honestly just a sillier version of himself under the influence of alcohol, and they walk over to where she’s sitting.

“Are you from Tennessee?” Ben asks her, grinning.

“I’m from London, you know that, Ben,” she says, raising one unimpressed brow.

“‘Cause you’re the only ten I see,” he continues, laughing at his own joke.

She snorts and sips her sparkling water, shaking her head. “Those four shots hit you hard, didn’t they, Ben?”

“Okay, okay. Let’s try another one.” He laughs, running a hand through his hair, and Lily Anne is so confused as to why she isn’t completely turned off by this behavior. “I hope you know CPR.”

“I’m certified,” Lily Anne replies, nodding matter of factly.

“Because you’re taking my breath away!” Ben finishes, a grin only growing on his face.

Joe is leaning on Ben, laughing heartily. Lily purses her lips, sighing.

“Still not impressed?” Ben asks, pouting. “Fine. One more.” He holds out his arm to her. “Feel my shirt.”

“This is your jacket, Ben,” she states, looking up at him.

He shakes his arm, whining. “Just feel it, okay?”

She sighs and feels the jacket material before looking up to see a smirk on his face.

He leans down and grins, his breath smelling like alcohol. “It’s boyfriend material.”

She rolls her eyes, shaking her head. “That was great, Ben.”

Ben giggles and looks at Joe with excitement in his eyes. “Mate, she likes me! Your lines worked!”

Lily laughs. She likes Ben, but not because of some cheesy pick up lines. Joe grins and hugs Ben, and she watches them tackle each other happily.

“I think someone had pizza delivered. Why don’t you two get some?” Lily comments, smiling.

The two boys grin at each other and stumble through the crowd towards the kitchen for food.

When they leave, Lucy sits down next to her, and holds her free hand. “Are you having fun, Lily?”

She nods, smiling. “Of course I am! I love seeing all my friends happy.”

Lucy grins. “Oh, that’s wonderful!” She leans in, her smile widening. “I saw Ben and Joe coming over here. What happened?”

She rolls her eyes. “Ben tried to use some pick up lines Joe taught him on me. They were exceptionally bad.”

She laughs, and sips her champagne. “He really does like you, Lily.”

She nods, rubbing her temples. “I know. We nearly kissed earlier, but stopped before it happened.”

Lucy gasps. “Oh my god, when? How did I miss it? Why did you stop?”

Lily sighs. “When Rami won, we hugged, our noses touched, and I froze up, panicking. I don’t want to ruin anything between him and I, so we both didn’t go any closer.”

Lucy squeals. “But that would’ve been so cute!”

Lily raises a brow. “It wouldn’t have been cute once I found out that he doesn’t love me as deeply as I love him.”

Lucy nods, pursing her lips. “I understand why you’re scared. You don’t want to lose a good thing. I get it. But one of these days, you’ll need to confess.”

Lily nods. “I know. I’ll do it eventually.”

Lucy shrugs. “Who knows? It could lead to something beautiful.”

She smiles and squeezes Lucy’s hand. “You should probably find Rami. He’s a mess navigating a party without you.”

Lucy smiles. “I should. Take what I said into consideration though, alright?”

Lily nods. “Alright. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Lucy leaves to find her man, and Lily sits back, watching as everyone enjoys themselves.

---

After frat boy Ben comes clingy Ben. Joe brings him over, and Lily raises a brow.

“I surely hope you’re not here for more bad pick up lines,” she says.

Joe shakes his head. “Nah. He just started whining and wanted to see you, so I brought him over before he could start crying.”

Ben whines into Joe’s shoulder, mumbling incoherently.

Lily nods. “I think we should take him back to his hotel room. He seems a little too far gone.”

Joe nods in agreement. “Yeah. I’m going to stay a little longer and make sure everyone gets back safely, but if you don’t mind taking him back, I’d appreciate it.”

She smiles and nods. “I’ll manage him.” She stands up and lets Joe drape Ben onto her.

Joe smiles and looks at Ben. “You’re with Lily now. Are you happy?”

Ben nuzzles into Lily and nods, mumbling, “Yay. Finally.”

Joe lets out a little laugh. “I’m going to go now. Get back safe, alright?”

She smiles and nods. “Of course. Come along, Ben. Let’s get you home.”

Ben looks up at her and blinks, confused. “Home is in London.” He gasps, eyes wide. “We’re not in London, are we?”

She shakes her head. “No, darling. We’re in Los Angeles. I meant home as in your hotel room.”

Ben blinks, pouting slightly. “I wanna go home.”

She nods, placing a hand on his cheek. “We’re going home tomorrow, lovie.”

He whines, shaking his head. “No, like-- like my room.”

She sighs and supports his waist as he follows her out of the suite and down the hallway. He begins to ramble, and she simply entertains his commentary.

“You look real pretty tonight, Lily.”

“Thank you, Ben. You looked very pretty as well.”

“My stylist chose the suit. I like it.”

“I like it too, Ben.”

“Who chose your outfit?”

“I helped design it with the head fashion stylist at Alexander McQueen.”

“Wow. You did good.”

“I know, love.”

“Can you design something for me?”

“I can do that, Ben.”

Ben squeals happily and buries his head in her shoulder, squeezing her waist tightly. “Yay!”

They get to the elevator and walk in, and Lily presses the button, keeping Ben’s hands away from the console as he reaches for it. He whines and shakes his head, and as the bell dings and they get to the lobby, a chauffer for the BoRhap cast sees them and helps them into the car, where Ben promptly lays his head down in Lily’s lap. He mumbles something as she straps him in and she looks down at him.

“What did you say, darling?”

“Touch my hair.”

She frowns. “Why?”

He looks up at her with pleading eyes. “It feels good.”

She sighs and obliges, running her hands through his hair, and within five minutes of the ride, he’s snoring into her lap. It feels comfortable and soft and she takes a picture of him, smiling. She’s saving that to her hidden files in her camera roll.

When they get to the hotel ten minutes later, she shakes Ben awake, and he lets out a confused noise, lifting his head.

“It’s time to get up, love.”

“We’re home?”

“Mhm. We’re home.”

The driver helps her get Ben out of the car, and he leans heavily on her as they walk inside and to the elevator. They get to Ben’s floor and she takes the key card from his pocket, helping him inside. He flops onto his bed, and she sighs heavily.

“Ben.”

A tired groan.

“Take off your jacket, at least.”

“You do it.”

“Turn over, and I will.”

Ben slowly obliges, and Lily walks over, unbuttoning the jacket. She heaves him up to take it off, and he looks at her, smiling. She looks down at him and raises a brow.

“What’s that look for, Ben?”

“Thanks, Lil.”

She smiles and helps him back down, squeezing his hand. “Of course. It’s no problem, darling. You’d do the same for me.”

She hangs up the jacket and looks back to see Ben failing to unlace his shoes. She leans down and helps him, and when he curls up on the bed, she covers him with a hotel blanket. Immediately, she hears snores, and leaves the room, heading back for her own.

---

Ben wakes up and blinks, confused. He has no idea how he got here, and no idea how he managed to take off and hang his suit jacket and untie his shoe laces. He drank far too much last night, and doesn’t remember much after eating pizza with Joe.

When he sits up, he groans from a pounding headache, and lays back down. He reaches for his phone on the bedside table and groggily tells Siri to call Joe. After putting the phone on speaker phone mode, and a few rings, Joe answers him.

“How much do you hurt?” he asks.

“More than I ever have in my life. Will you tell me what happened?” Ben asks, rubbing his eyes.

“You took some shots, drank some more, hit on Lily with bad pick up lines I gave you, and almost cried when I wouldn’t bring you immediately to her, but ultimately, she brought you back.”

He frowns and groans, burying his face in his hands. “Oh, God… First I almost kiss her, then I hit on her, then she drags my ass back?”

Joe chokes on the water he’s drinking. “You almost did what?!”

“When Rami won, she hugged me, our noses touched, and shit-- I almost leaned in, but I panicked, and then she panicked, and then you made it a group hug.”

Joe lets out a groan. “Why’d I third wheel that? Jesus, Ben, I’m so sorry.”

Ben frowns. “What? You want me to have kissed her?”

Joe scoffs. “Of fucking course I want you to kiss her! You two are soulmates! I want you to get married and have babies!”

Ben shakes his head. “Get the fuck out of here with that crap, mate. I can’t think about things like that.”

Someone opens the hotel room door, and the smell of breakfast wafts into the room. Ben groans and opens one eye, and when he sees Lily walking in with a tray of eggs, salsa, and buttered toast, he blinks, confused.

“Lily? What’s all this?” he asks, slowly sitting up in bed.

“Hangover food. I had a feeling you’d need it.” She holds out a water bottle and two advil. “Take these first.”

Joe greets Lily. “Hi, Lily! How did getting Ben home go?”

She shrugs. “It was fine. He was a bit heavy to carry, but I managed.”

Joe laughs. “Well, I’m gonna let you go now, buddy. Enjoy your meal.”

Joe hangs up, and Ben blushes, unable to meet Lily’s gaze once he’s taken the advil and downed some water. “How’d you get in?”

She holds up his keycard. “I took this from you, because I knew you’d need the meal and I’d need a way to get in.”

He nods, and looks at the meal. “Why salsa?”

She smiles. “Put it in with the eggs. The spice helps immensely. Don’t worry. I told them to give you mild.”

He nods, and does as she says. He bites his lip, leaning back in bed. “Lily, I am so sorry for what I did when I was drunk. How bad were the pick up lines?”

Lily winces. “Pretty bad, mate. I’ll spare you the details.”

He groans, and takes a bite of the food. In a moment, he feels… almost better? He looks up at Lily as if she’s God.

“That already helped. How do you know such good hangover food?”

She looks down at him, and with a straight face, says, “I was an alcoholic, Benjamin.”

Ben covers his mouth, his face flushing bright red. “Oh, shit. I’m so sorry. I absolutely forgot about that.”

Lily smiles gently and ruffles his hair fondly. “It’s alright, Ben. I take no offense.”

He continues eating, and looks absolutely miserable. She sits in a chair in the corner of the room and checks her emails. After a few minutes of silence, Ben speaks up.

“When do we leave the hotel?”

Lily looks at the itinerary and shrugs. “At six tonight. It’s currently eleven a.m., so you have plenty of time to recover and pack.”

Ben nods, slowly chewing his toast. “Okay. Good. If I were to get in a car right now, this meal would go to waste.”

She laughs and nods, rubbing the back of her neck. “I can’t say that’s never happened to me. Taking a bath always helped me with the nausea, so when you’re ready to get up, try that.”

Ben smiles at her and swallows. “Thanks, Lil.”

She smiles back at him. “Don’t mention it.” Her phone buzzes and she looks down at it. “Business call. I have to go, but if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, alright?”

He nods, and watches as she leaves the room.

Maybe if after all he did to be a nuisance while drunk didn’t drive her away, she truly is his soulmate.

TAGLIST: @andtheytoldustotellyouhello @plethora-of-things @borhap-socials @everybodyplaythegame @i-the-fangirl @deakydeakydeaky @shisterfackisback @samanthadegaro @lv7867 @fatbottomedcurls @redspecialty @haisimsim @peterparkeroos @teenwolflover28 @ixchel-9275 @alessandra-elle @onexlittlespark @queenficarchive @leah-halliwell92 @rrrogah-tayluhh @maddistudiess @queen-fam @evrsncnewyork @reddiefreddieee @babebenhardy

[jikooklaundryroom]

Dry Pancakes

Gather around folks. It’s time to have an open and honest conversation about – yep you guessed it – Jimin and Jungkook and the behavior that mystifies the entire fandom.  And notice I say Jimin and Jungkook, not Kookmin or Jikook, because this talk is less about them as a couple and more about them as individuals.  A fair warning to everyone, only grown, competent adults are invited to this conversation.  If you are a twelve-year old who wants to scream about top/bottom sex positions and Omega slick and Jeonlous tongue thing – please move on.  This conversation is not for you.  Adults will be talking here.

In this essay, I will NOT discuss Jimin and Jungkook as an intimate- romantic couple, or as boyfriends, or as domestic partners, or as husbands.  In fact, those topics are so complex, that they will definitely need to be saved for another day.  Lastly, the only time Tae will be mentioned is in this sentence because I plan to write a full separate tribute to this precious man so that I can properly call out how poorly he is treated and perceived because of shipping wars.  Again, I give you fair warning, if this ain’t for you, move on because I can’t help you. OK?  I am going to give you my honest opinion here and I won’t be nice about it.  Pancakers, you should also be warned, you may be offended as well.  I leave no stone unturned.  Now that we have a proper filter in place, let’s get it.

The month of May gave us nauseating amounts of Jimin and Jungkook being seen together occupying each other’s space.  For those of you have been living under a rock, I will do a quick break down of some of their time together:  stage moments of laughing and teasing, stage moments of them comforting each other through difficult emotions (aka: the infamous ear sucking confusion), stage moments of them holding hands, sudden VLIVE, the two of them sharing a car, the two of them presumably sharing a hotel room, each one watching the other during rehearsals, the two of them watching fireworks, the elusive selca, the hand jockeying during the unboxing video and last but not least, the full day of sight-seeing they did with their friends in London.  And of course, for every moment they DO spend together there is a sea of people who only care about the moments that they DON’T spend together.  I’ll address both sides.  Within this flurry of activity/inactivty, comes a flurry of narratives from different factions within the fandom attempting to define what is happening, attempting to brain wash the neutral observer into taking their side over others.  These folks are literally and figuratively battling across social media to reign supreme in the war of narratives that explain Jimin and Jungkook.

Let’s break down some of these narratives and discuss why they are ALL bullshit shall we?

Narrative #1 -The “Bighit is forcing them to be together for publicity” crowd –  This group thinks that everything that Jimin and Jungkook do is strictly for the sake of bringing publicity/attention to Bangtan.  This shit has never made sense to me.  Exactly what additional publicity does Bighit and Bangtan need?  They just reached 20.2 million followers on twitter. They just won TWO Billboard music awards in America despite singing in only Korean.  They’ve been announced as members of the Grammy Recording Academy, they received the Order of Cultural Merit award in South Korea, they spoke at the United Nations.  They are the biggest boy band in the history of the world and if I am not mistaken they are currently on a sold-out stadium tour that has sold out over 600,000 seats in just ten shows.  SO, tell me, what bitch doesn’t know who Bangtan is?  Let’s pretend for a moment that Bangtan needed more publicity.  What additional publicity would be achieved by insinuating a homosexual relationship between two members?  Especially when you consider the vitriol that explodes when these two particular members are together.  Do you really think that forcing Jimin and Jungkook into a touchy-feely spree will help Bangtan sell more CDs or get more YouTube views?  If we consider how many homophones exist within the fandom, do you really think that highlighting the intimacy between Jimin and Jungkook would be viewed as positive and promote deeper engagement with the group?  Absolutely not.  Bighit is not encouraging Jimin and Jungkook to be fake gays for publicity. So again, I ask you, what additional publicity does Bangtan need? The answer is NONE; I think they’re good bro.

Narrative #2 - The “This is just fan service to satisfy the shipping culture” crowd – No other “ship” makes the fan more unhappy than Jikook. In fact, SNS explodes with negativity almost every single time that Jimin and Jungkook even breath near each other. Fans get extremely upset OR they ignore and refuse to acknowledge the interaction.  So how can it be fan service if it pisses off the majority of the fans?  Isn’t fan service supposed to make fans happy?  I would go even further to say that Bangtan, Jimin and Jungkook in particular know full well how polarizing their interactions are for the fandom. Seems to me like they don’t give a fuck though.  Fan service is to service the fans and give them what they want.  They don’t seem to want Jimin and Jungkook as unit.  And for those of you who think their relationship is manufactured to feed the pancakers out there, you’re mistaken and here’s why: Jimin and JK work very hard to avoid being caught or showing us too much.  It is pretty common knowledge that most of their most intimate interactions are done AWAY from the cameras – a fact that we would never know if they didn’t accidently tell us.  (“I go to Jungkook’s room at night when I can’t sleep because he also stays up late.” - Jimin) Often times, pancakers are VERY unhappy with the amount of interaction we get between Jimin and Jungkook and we are quick to yell foul if we aren’t “fed”.  This once again proves my point, it is not fan service if it doesn’t please the fans.

Narrative #3 – The “We just don’t understand Korean culture “ crowd - Uuum what? Talk to K-Army and even they will tell you that the intimacy and togetherness between Jimin and Jungkook goes far beyond typical “fan service” or “cultural norm” that would be expected from the Korean culture. It also extends beyond typical friendly male behavior given their closeness.  Westerners often get accused of “oversexualizing” Jimin and Jungkook or claiming something as homosexual because we “don’t understand” how Koreans interact.  BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT.  We know what we see.  We know what K-ARMY has explained to us.  We have taken the time to study the culture in Korea and talk with our fellow ARMY about Jimin and Jungkook.  The conclusion is always the same; there is an entire relationship being played out in front of us and it is consistent, predicable and progressive.  These interactions are not just fortuitous bits of circumstance by two friends. It is not just Korean culture.

Narrative #4 - The “Bighit is forcing them to be apart because they are too loud” crowd – Sorry Pancakes, but shut up.  This has become a ready-made excuse for us pancakers whenever we don’t receive the interactions that we expect (demand, crave, obsess over). Do you realize how much influence Jimin and Jungkook have over their own choices?  They are not mindless dummies who are mind controlled by their management. I will concede the fact that both of them are thoughtful and considerate of the feelings of the other members and they are also respectful of the wishes of management.  So if either of the two entities gives them advice with regard to watching their proximity then YES, this could affect their natural behavior’s. You have that concession from me. But that is NOT WHY THERE ARE LULLS IN THEIR INTERACTIONS.  Bighit management and Bangtan members are not playing some sadistic game of RED LIGHT – GREEN LIGHT with Jimin and Jungkook’s emotions.  Think about how ridiculous this sounds to say to grown men, “Ohh well you two were too intimate and too loud and you could expose yourself so you better repress your natural instincts as best friends and then pretend that the other doesn’t exist.” And then conversely, “You two have behaved and been good boys, so now you are allowed to interact and act like you’re in love again.”  If Bighit was trying to hide anything, they would shut it down completely, permanently - NOT IN RANDOM SPURTS.  The two of them would be threatened beyond belief and I guarantee there would be contractual implications.

It is simply ridiculous, not to mention reductive to attempt to exercise that level of control over two rich, popular and very grown individuals.  Guess what?  It’s also impossible.  Have you ever noticed that neither Jimin nor Jungkook are very good at following directions? If they are being told to stay away from each other, how come they never seem to do it?  At best, they manage to tone things down for short periods, but inevitably they always go back to just being them. My fellow pancakers have even gone so far as to develop a theory that Bighit was keeping Jimin and Jungkook from ever doing VLIVES together.  But just recently, we saw them splash tension all over the screen in a VLIVE between the two of them.  If they were restricted from doing VLIVES, then why did they do one all of a sudden after a 2-year hiatus?  Did Bighit suddenly change their mind and allow it?  Of course not.  There is a much simpler explanation and I will explain later.

Narrative #5 - The “They are just brothers, nothing they do is a big deal or any different from the rest of the members” crowd – Guess what? I actually agree with you, sorta’. So much of what Jimin and Jungkook do is the result of them being very close and loving friends who have been together forever. Even some of the gentler physical contact between the two is not exclusive to just them when compared to the other members.  But the situation is not quite that simple is it?  Brothers (not blood brothers) is just ONE of the many layers of the Jimin and Jungkook dynamic.  There’s more, a lot more.  I will come back to this one.  

Hm.  So if none of the prevalent theories above define the incongruent public intimacy of Jimin and Jungkook, then WHAT IS THE ANSWER?  Simple.  It’s called FREE WILL!  No one, especially Pancakes with butter and syrup, want to ever admit that Jimin and Jungkook do exactly what they want to do. The reason they interact and the reason they don’t is because it’s what they want to do at that moment.  They are exercising their FREE WILL.  If Jimin and Jungkook don’t speak, it’s because they don’t want to.  If Jimin and Jungkook don’t post on twitter, it’s because they don’t want to.  If Jimin and Jungkook don’t post a selca, it’s because they don’t want to.  If Jimin and Jungkook don’t do a VLIVE for two years, it’s because THEY DON’T WANT TO!  There could be months that go by where they CHOSE not to let us into their private lives and we as Jimin and Jungkook supporters have to be accepting of that choice.  Allow them to exercise their free will.  In most cases, their free will is to self-manage their own interactions.  Think about it this way – is everyday a good day for you?  Probably not. Some of us have really good days and some of us have really bad ones.  Our moods can be dictated by so many things such as: hunger, bad news, fatigue, negativity, irritation, anger, jealousy, illness, depression – so many things can affect how we feel and how we project our energy. These two men are no different.  They are not immune to the emotions that plague the rest of us mere mortals. Travel with me for a moment as we reflect on just how much Jimin and Jungkook are together,

Sharing a car during transport to and from the airport

Sitting next to each other on the plane

Spending time outside of business schedules to attend personal events (movies, dinner, tours)

Visiting each other’s parents

Presumably living together

Presumably sharing hotel rooms when they travel

Working together

Practicing together

Filming together

Presumably engaging in intimacy together

Together- Together -Together –Together- Baam  

That’s a lot of freaking togetherness.  When we see them keep their distance, why are we surprised?  It is clear that they are using their free will to be together MOST of the time and that is a sign of a very solid symbiotic relationship.  So why can’t it be conversely true that they are also using their free will when they are apart?  We pancakes are so quick to blame external forces when Jungkook and Jimin aren’t stuck to each other as opposed to blaming Jimin and Jungkook themselves.  Personal growth can only occur when you broaden your horizons and experience new things, new environments, new opinions and new people.  YES NEW PEOPLE.  It is an exercise in self-care for them to be apart from time to time.  We can’t and shouldn’t expect them to be together 24/7. It just isn’t healthy.  I would say they live a well-rounded life when they can be happy apart but still prefer to be together.  It’s beautiful.  It you are truly a part of the Jimin and Jungkook nation, then your attitudes and opinions toward the strength of them individually or as a couple should NOT be predicated solely on what they do together and how often.  Do I need to repeat that last sentence for the 14YOs who read this post even though I tried to filter you out?  Just because the two of them don’t show us blatant interactions does not meant that is an indictment or indicator that the friendship/relationship/companionship/brotherhood is dead.  Please stop posting fatalistic admonishments because their interactions are not timed according to your schedule.  Let them live.  Yes, I am saying that when we go through a pancake drought, it is because Jimin and Jungkook themselves want it to be that way.  Not because they are being forced to do so.

Now let’s talk about the nature of their interactions by using myself as an example.  I love my husband with all of my heart.  He is truly my soul mate and we get along very well. Our relationship is so complex and has so many layers.  We are friends, lovers, parents, mates, partners, business owners, even at times like siblings.  So, when he and I interact, the definition of that interaction could fall within any of the categories that I just listed.  It could be a friendly touch, or a sexual touch or a business partner touch – understand what I mean?  The same is true with Jimin and Jungkook.  Their interactions are highly conditional and must be reviewed within the context of the moment.  Which means, when they are in friend mode and they hug, they honestly are just hugging as friends.  Over hyping meaningless moments without placing it within proper context, makes pancakes look petty and delusional.  Another example, when one is sucking the other’s ear – aww shit – I have no idea what category to put that in – but it ain’t friends – we need to hype the shit out of that one.   That was a bad example.  But you get my point.  Moving on…

Let me make this really clear.  Do you remember when you first fell in love with Bangtan?  We fell so hard right?  The music, the dancing, the talent, the fashion, the creativity, the visuals – we fell hook line and sinker.  But there was more wasn’t it?  Think back.  There was soo much more.  Yes my pancakes, we fell in love with their hearts.  We fell in love with them as people.  Above all, we fell in love with their AUTHENTICITY.  You see, Bangtan was never fake.   Bangtan never presented a closed-off image to us.  They provided as much transparency and honesty as they possibly could, which was a HUGE change from what we were accustomed to seeing from KPOP artists (any artist really).  They allowed us to have a real-world peak into their emotions, vulnerabilities and personalities.  Bangtan’s authenticity is why we love them most and why we continue to love them. So when we see the love that exists between all seven of them, we know it’s real.  Accordingly, there is an extreme affinity that Jimin and Jungkook have towards each other that cannot be faked.  Even if they were being forced for publicity purposes to spend time together, they could not do it successfully unless there was already an underlying desire to be together.  Furthermore, forcing someone to be together when they don’t want to be is paramount to torture and that would greatly affect the overall happiness and chemistry of the entire group.  Imagine being forced to spend that much time with someone you don’t like.  It also explains why we don’t see other couplings “forced” upon the members because it’s not natural.  None of the members have a strong ability to vacate authenticity.  They all truly exercise their free will.  

And for my very last point, I want to talk a little tiny bit about the VLIVE (again).  I have insisted throughout this rant that Jimin and Jungkook were never prohibited by Bighit from doing a VLIVE together. So why the 2-year hiatus?  I think the explanation is pretty simple.  As we saw, it is very difficult for the two of them to maintain “composure” when they are together.  They show us so much when they fully intend to show us nothing.  They are acutely aware of how they appear on camera – which is why I argue that their two-year hiatus was self-imposed.  Think about how hard it must be in that intimate setting, sitting that close, talking that freely to repress their natural instincts to touch, or call each other pet names or possibly even kiss.  It’s like freaking impossible.  So why risk it?  It is so much easier to just keep themselves out of that situation and instead watch each other do the VLIVES from off camera.  As we know, even when one of them is off camera, they still freaking flirt.  Imagine if they were both in front of the camera on a consistent basis.  This goes back to my theory on free will.  I honestly believe that these two are being very smart to exercise their free will to stay away from Jikook VLIVES.

I have probably not changed anyone’s mind and you will likely continue to incessantly spew your narrative, whatever it is.  But for those of you who are a bit more open-minded, I hope you found some insight as well as clarity in my words.  Here’s to loving our seven boys and obsessing over two of them.

So in conclusion, I have concluded.  Thank you. Love you Pancakes – don’t be mad, k?

[earwaxinggibbous]

Eminem - Worst to Best

So I was watching theneedledrop and thinking I could do this too. That’s all the prefacing you’re gonna get.

I know it’s hard to believe I can judge Eminem from an objective standpoint considering I’m such a big fan that I ranked Kamikaze as my favorite hit song of 2018 (my actual favorite song was probably When You Die by MGMT or Stop Smoking by Car Seat Headrest for the record) but I am able, physically, to have negative opinions even about the rap god himself.

My only rule is that this only includes his full-length studio albums. Infinite won’t be here due to my lack of knowledge regarding it, but everything else is fair game. This will be heavily opinion-based.

Let’s go and start from the worst!

9. Revival (2017)

Initially I was gonna put Encore below this one. After all, in my opinion, there’s nothing egregiously awful about Revival in my mind. It just sort of existed to me, like that dead roach that stayed in my high school’s gym for over a month before disappearing without a word about it. 

It wasn’t until I gave a few of the tracks a re-listen that I realized Revival has nothing going for it. This is Em’s sellout album, the one where he collabs with Beyonce, Ed Sheeran and goddamn X Ambassadors in the vague hopes that it’d get him a hit. Songs that don’t bother having clever writing because all they need to do is slap a semi-important pop singer on the hook.

It’s easily Em’s most ballsless album. In a universe where Kill You and Same Song & Dance exist, there is no need for Framed, Em’s almost saddening attempt to return to his Slim Shady roots even though, let’s be honest, the years of Shady are long behind us.

I’m not saying I need Em yelling slurs and talking about murder every five seconds, I just want him to be, for lack of a better word, the most authentic version of himself he can be. And this really isn’t it to me. No amount of politics or wordplay can hide that this is a sham of what an Eminem album should sound like. I don’t need diss tracks, or songs about serial killing, I just want him to say what he wants and not hold back.

Everything about the album is weak and tired. Every song melds into one another, without thought or purpose, only broken up by the celebrity hooks that define them. It’s the blackest mark on Em’s discography, and easily his worst album to date. Not even worth sneezing at.

8. Encore (2004)

I guess we shouldn’t let Em do whatever he wants...

Encore has the opposite problem that Revival does, and it’s a problem I empathize with. Encore is essentially word vomit in album form. It’s the musical equivalent of Jack Kerouac’s spontaneous prose, loud and incoherent and kind of gross. It’s what happens when ambition goes unchecked, and Em just leans a little too far into what the media says about him.

This was also deep in the throes of Em’s drug abuse problem, and it shows. This album feels like a bad drug trip, sludgy and gross and heavy, in a way that makes it hard to move your arms and legs. With these absolutely god-awful sung choruses on songs like My First Single, Eminem dares you to make less sense than him as he rambles like a crazy person through song after song, only taking breaks from his half-attempts at comedy on tracks like Mosh, Like Toy Soldiers and Mockingbird, which try to be serious. But it’s hard to be serious when you’re essentially getting choked in a soup of valium and regret.

I don’t hate Encore like I do Revival, because in some ways I can understand where it comes from. It’s trying to do the same sort of thing its predecessors did, with silly songs and serious ones. But the funny songs are so weird and frankly gross that it quashes any attempt of seriousness. It’s like Eminem thought the only way to make his songs better were to take what his detractors hated about him and turn it up to 11. Songs like My First Single are complete nonsense complete with gut-churning sound effects and a shitty beat, whereas Just Lose It, a song I’m ashamed to admit I enjoy, fills itself with baseless offensiveness and weird reference humor to function. And that was the big hit single off of this album.

Really I think Just Lose It was the best way to sell this album. What says Encore more than a song insisting that Eminem diddles little boys? FACK would’ve been in place on this album, which is not a compliment.

7. Recovery (2010)

Recovery shares a lot of problems with Revival, a lot of radio-bait songs featuring pop artists that have no business being within ten feet of Eminem. But I’ll admit its singles were far superior to that of Revival. No Love was far superior to anything Revival spat out.

I just kinda don’t care about this album. Other than how Love The Way You Lie was permanently ingrained in the cultural consciousness around 2010, I have very few thoughts about it. I remember hearing most of the singles when I was in elementary school, and they were all just kinda fine. Space Bound was okay (other than that coked up line about love being ‘evil’ spelt backwards) and Not Afraid was sincerely underwhelming considering what it was going for.

It’d been diminishing returns for Em for years, so I’m not shocked he needed some time to get back on his feet. But there’s just not much to say about Recovery. I feel like Em was a lot prouder of it than anyone else.

6. Kamikaze (2018)

At some level, I feel like Kamikaze set itself up to fail. And it did pretty well in spite of that.

The album’s main selling point was that it was dissing everyone. Shady’s gonna name names, I remember hearing, as this album dropped right the fuck out of nowhere in the late summer of 2018. Diss track drama has never really been for me, since oftentimes it pits artists I like against one another over petty bullshit. And hearing that Em slammed people simply for disliking Revival only made me more nervous about what Kamikaze’s outcome would look like.

I’m glad to say it was not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

I’m sort of on the fence about this album. While I think it is punchy, and pretty fun lyrics-wise, it definitely doesn’t hold a candle to any of his older stuff. It doesn’t even really hold up against MMLP2. It’s less that I enjoy this album, and more that I enjoy the possibility of Eminem managing to pick himself up after Revival and move into the new age while still being himself.

Easily the worst moment on this album is Eminem calling Tyler the Creator the f-slur and even implying he’s pretending to be gay, which he has since apologized for. However, the scariest thing to me that the line represents is the possibility that Eminem’s personality is too anachronistic. That in an era of young-adult trap rappers with very experimental homemade beats, there’s no longer room for a famous, albeit angry man in his 40′s being backed by a studio. It’s the years of Soundcloud, where anyone can be a rapper, and someone as old and frankly polarizing as Eminem may never truly have the limelight again.

Em’s style has simply fallen behind the times and he will never be content with updating himself, because that isn’t who he is. And while I love that about him, I think it might speak disaster for his career.

I like the songs though.

5. The Marshall Mathers LP 2 (2013)

Now we’re getting into the good shit. The Marshall Mathers LP 2 starts off with a bang, the first song being Bad Guy, a direct sequel to Stan and an incredibly powerful sequel at that. Eminem asks questions about his fame, his identity, and most notably, he fucking gets murdered at the beginning of this album.

MMLP2 strips off all but one skit. No Paul Rosenberg cameo on this one. This was him getting serious after the relative failure of Encore and Relapse. This was, frankly, what Recovery should’ve sound like. With Berzerk being a fun sort of party hit, Rap God is what really got him back on the map. The song asserts his lyrical dominance. It is a brag track, and it earns that right.

Despite it being of incredibly high quality, this is nowhere near Em’s best work, which speaks highly for his track record. The fact that something this well-made is comparatively mediocre when put next to the top four is incredible to me. This album is more of a revival than Revival was. It’s Eminem reaching out of the dirt after being buried and yelling “Hey, I’m not dead yet!” It’s the hearbeat running through a comatose body as they return to consciousness.

But when it comes down to it, I love what this album represents to me more than its content. Aside from Berzerk, Bad Guy and Rap God, none of the songs really stand out either way. It’s all good, of course, but none of it can match up to his older work. Regardless, this album means a lot to me on a spiritual level. Whenever I listen to this I feel like a proud parent, and Em is my son who just completely crushed his elementary school talent show.

It’s a good feeling.

4. Relapse (2009)

At this point it was sort of like picking my favorite child. My number one is obvious, but deciding how to order these three was trouble.

People will probably argue with me saying that Relapse is one of Em’s best, but fuck that. This album is severely underrated among the fanbase, and is an incredibly powerful listen. This album is an auditory representation of rock bottom, in the best way possible.

This is one of the only albums to really define a split between Marshall and Slim Shady, with Slim being a deep-voiced demon and Marshall being a fucked-up middle-aged man who just came staggering out of a rehab center. The way the characters play off of one another is beautiful, Slim trying to manipulate Marshall into his ways and wiles. This also easily has the most horrorcore-type sound and content out of any Eminem album, with Slim occasionally playing the role of a serial killer, such as on 3 am or one of the standout tracks, Same Song & Dance. Insane tells a story possibly regarding Slim’s father, or maybe representative of something else entirely.

One of my few issues with this album, aside from We Made You of all things being one of the singles, is that one of the best tracks is only on the deluxe edition. My Darling ties off the Slim and Marshall story in a nice little bow, plus Careful What You Wish For sweeping up all the themes and putting them in one place.

This album is beautiful, it’s cinematic in a way. It’s deep and powerful and incredibly, incredibly scary, with Em at his lowest point in his life and career. Sadly, it was not well-received critically, which I think is a shame. Clearly they weren’t seeing what I see.

3. The Eminem Show (2002)

Screw Revival, this is easily Em’s most politically powerful album yet. I listened to this whole thing on a boombox I got at Best Buy for 20 dollars and I felt like I had fucking transcended.

This album pulls out all the stops, immediately starting out on White America, a song so goddamn strong that every time little me heard it on the radio I immediately got down and lost my shit. I didn’t even understand what it was about, all I knew was that it was big and important. And it is.

While his first two big albums tried to be weird and threatening, The Eminem Show just wanted to be big, and talk about big things. Eminem fearlessly tears into heavily-charged concepts in White America, Say Goodbye Hollywood and Square Dance. Then on the flipside he aims the gun at himself on tracks like My Dad’s Gone Crazy, Cleanin’ Out My Closet and even Hailie’s Song. It’s a gut-punch of an album, this is where Eminem is truly fearless.

I’ll also say I feel this album is a little bit more accessible, weirdly enough, than Em’s earlier stuff. It’s much less crude and aggressive, but still carries his trademark style. It’s got the skits, he yells a lot still, but the topics are easier to swallow than his earlier albums. I’d say it’s a good entry-level Eminem album if you’re threatened by rape jokes and Em yelling the f-slur constantly. And unlike what Teens of Denial was for Car Seat Headrest, I feel like The Eminem Show manages to be that entry-level album without completely castrating Eminem’s lyrical content.

But even longtime fans can gain enjoyment from this album and how loud and proud it is, how fearless Eminem really is on this album. This one, more than anything, is the unfiltered Marshall Mathers experience. No filters, no jokes, just him and his daughter and Dr. Dre.

But easily the best part of this album is the DVD extras thing where you get a free episode of the Slim Shady Show. Fuck yeah.

2. The Slim Shady LP (1999)

The Slim Shady LP was Eminem’s first really successful work. It was also the first thing he ever put on a CD. Yeah, Infinite was on cassette only. And this album is fucking great. It’s a perfect debut for Eminem. It’s got his first big hit, My Name Is, and a myriad of other great tracks. It’s just good late 90′s rap, with fun beats and interesting lyrics. As much as I love SSLP, I don’t really like talking about it because... yeah, it’s good, I’m just never sure what else to say.

And that might make it sound like I like it less than The Eminem Show, but no, that’s not it. As much as I think political Em is great, I’ll forever prefer nasty rat boy Em any day. This is the Em that inspires me the most, the grody, crude one that reminds me of myself. Best tracks include 97 Bonnie and Clyde, Bad Meets Evil and of course My Name Is. This is also the only album where Ken Kaniff is played by Aristotle. There’s your fun fact for the day.

1. The Marshall Mathers LP (2000)

FUCK everyone else, I respect YOU!

The Marshall Mathers LP is a defining rap album. It’s lyrical perfection, the hooks are god-tier, and it is without contest the best Eminem album of all time. I doubt he’ll ever top this, and if he does it’ll probably break space-time. 

MMLP ticks all the boxes an Eminem album usually should. It’s quirky, it’s comedic, it’s dark, it’s angry, it’s violent, it’s everything I could want and more. But beyond that, it’s the thing that really proved what Eminem can do. He can tell stories, he can do lyrics, he can flow, he has good beats, he can murder his ex-girlfriend, he can get his own songs censored on the uncensored version of his album, he can do it all.

The songs on this just put me in a good mood. Even though they’re horrible, and I don’t mean they’re bad songs. The content is absolutely fucked, this album is not for the faint of heart. But it makes me feel represented, not for being gay, trans, mentally ill or short, but for being a fucked-up weirdo who lived a fucked-up life and just wants to scream and lose his shit. More than anything, this feels like an album that’s there for me, for better or for worse.

The standouts on this album in my opinion are the two “named” tracks, Kim and Stan. These tracks are incredibly disturbing, but they both mean a lot to me and are incredibly written and acted. The Real Slim Shady is still an amazing single with an awesome, hopping beat. I’m Back is incredibly solid, Criminal is cleverly contradictory, every track on this album is great without any misses. If there were enough words in the English language to describe how much I love this album, I’d probably use all of them.

This album couldn’t exist today. If this came out today, it’d probably be thrown to the wayside for a myriad of reasons. It’s too late 90′s, it’s too dark, it’s “problematic”, we have like 500 white rappers now, but for the record: Anyone who writes this kind of music today owes it to Eminem, ESPECIALLY all of the white rappers who insist they’re better than him. (Looking at you, MGK.) Even if he’s not doing that great now, even if you don’t like him, it’d be foolish to not acknowledge what MMLP did for rap. And not only was it influential, but it still holds up to this very day.

So there you have it. All of Eminem’s full albums (besides Infinite oopsies) listed from worst to best. Have any differing opinions? Leave a reply. Just be polite, you filthy animal.

[jswdmb1]

You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet

“Here's something, here's something 

your never gonna forget”

- Bachman Turner Overdrive

For months my 11-year old son has been lobbying to go to Canada on Spring Break. Since his sister seemed open to the idea and didn’t have a preference of her own, we obliged. I have been telling people that I have no idea why he is so obsessed with The Great White North, but that is a lie. He just may have got it from me. I too love our gracious neighbors to the north and they proved themselves once more on our trip there last week that they are the kings and queens of hospitality on this continent.

Now, before you go there, let me stop the thought that this is an anti-America opinion piece. I love my country and am not turning my back on it. Not especially now with the way things are. Running away and ceding it to whomever thinks they have more right to my home country is the last thing on my mind. No, this is simply a pro-Canadian rant. While it will never be my home, it will be a place I always treasure. And, I’m confident enough in the greatness of my land to admit there are a few things they do better, which keeps bringing me back:

Money - we may have the world’s preferred currency in the U.S. greenback, but the physical form of our money is lame. It’s all the same color, rips easily, and has absolutely no pizzazz. In Canada, you get brightly colored bills that are made out of a strong, waterproof type of paper some of which depict cool wildlife scenes. The best are the dollar and two dollar coins that depict loons (the “loonie” and “toonie”). They are also smart about it by having no paper bills under $5 and eliminating pennies all together (cash transactions are rounded to the nearest nickel). Only Canadians could put such a fun, whimsical spin on currency, and I love it.

Candy Bars & Coffee - forget Snickers bars and Starbucks. What you need is a Coffee Crisp and some Tim Horton’s. The former is the best candy bar on the planet. It is a series of thin vanilla wafers with a lightly coffee flavored cream in between them with it all covered in milk chocolate. That’s it and no other flavors or varieties of the bar exist and there is a good reason for that. It’s because you can’t improve upon perfection. Think a Little Debbie Nutty Bar with better chocolate and a hint of mocha instead of all that peanut butter. As for Tim Horton’s, calling it the Canadian Dunkin’ Donuts Donuts is unfair because it’s way better. Their focus is a good cup of coffee at a reasonable price. A large dark roast with cream runs about $2 CAD which is less than $1.50 in the states. It is a perfectly balanced blend half way between Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks (stronger than DD but without the bitterness of Starbucks). Plus you can get a box of 10 Timbits (munchkins) for another $2. Call it the Canadian Breakfast of Champions if you want, but I wish I could get it anywhere to start my day.

Progressive Rock Power Trios - this part of the post should be unnecessary but I hate passing up an opportunity to talk about Rush.  I was about eight when a friends older brother played “A Passage to Bangkok” on his turntable.  Later on, my first concert was when the Presto tour hit Alpine Valley and I have been a fan ever since.  Their inclusion in the Rock and Roll Hall-of-Fame was long overdue, but anyone who is anyone knows that they didn’t need such validation to prove their chops.  Plus, Geddy Lee was a guest vocal on Bob & Doug McKenzie’s “Take Off’ which just adds to their legend.  Now go get your record player out and find a copy of Moving Pictures and jam to the sounds of the true North.

Football - everyone thinks America has a monopoly on the sport, but they have been playing it just as long in Canada with better rules. Bigger end zones with a field that is wider and longer. 12 men on a side and players on offense can sprint to the line of scrimmage before the ball is hiked. No touchbacks unless you are willing to give up a point (a “rouge”). And the best part - only three downs so you better not waste any of them with boring plays. All the teams play outdoors (Vancouver has a retractable roof but we’ll give them that) and the Grey Cup championship game is often played in the snow. Everything people love about the sport in one package and it’s labeled C-F-L. Oh, and they review pass interference calls so crap like that non call in the NFC Championship don’t happen. It’s basically NFL football but actually interesting and with none of the bullshit. You can have your Super Bowl, the Big party in my house will be to watch the Grey Cup on the fourth Saturday in November.

National Symbols - this will get me in trouble, but Canada has the best national symbols around. The maple leaf is a beautiful representation of the country at it looks perfect in red and white on the Canadian flag. As for a national police force, nothing is cooler than the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And then there’s that anthem. I always love seeing the Blue Jays come to Sox park so I get to hear it live. Stirring, succinct lyrics sung to a soaring melody that make everyone feel proud of the country whether they are Canadian or not make it the best national anthem on the planet. And don’t let me forget Bob & Doug McKenzie. What better representation of what Canada is all about than those two. Just watch “Strange Brew” and tell me you don’t want to spend as much time as you can in the land of touques and back bacon.

Late Night Comedy Sketch Shows - if you think Saturday Night Live is the granddaddy of sketch comedy you need to get some copies of SCTV episodes.  Far more original skits without the need to feel cool produced some wacky and fun comedy (that’s where Bob & Doug came from).  The talent there was awesome as well - Eugene Levy, John Candy, Andrea Martin, Catherine O’Hara, Martin Short, Rick Moranis are just a few.  The jokes can be on the dry side, but that is so Canadian how could it be any other way.  SCTV finally hit the States in the early 80′s, but it didn’t stick around like SNL, which is too bad because outside of David Letterman, it was the funniest stuff on TV in the 80′s..  

I could go on but I should probably stop. Given the current state of affairs here at home, my passport has probably been revoked. Just remember though, the south is not the only direction to go when on vacation. There is a wonderful world to be explored to the north of us with super friendly people, a fabulous culture all it’s own and a friendly exchange rate to boot. Just make sure to bring me back some Coffee Crisp bars. They are really hard to find in the States.

Take off,

Jim

[gubloid13]

On KPOP

Okay. It's no secret that I like K-pop. My first ever experience was when I stumbled across Girls Generation's "Gee" video late one night whilst prowling the internet like the no-life nerd that I was in middle school. I watched it, was blown away, and moved on. At that time I had no idea that I had come across one of the most iconic K-pop videos of all time. I didn't even know what K-pop was. I didn’t really think about the video again until I was in my sophomore year of high school. That's when I met her.

Now, I wont get into much detail about her. She was, for the most part, a good friend. Granted, I don’t really remember much about our friendship, but I do remember that for that year at least we spent a lot of time together. 

Anyway, back to K-pop. She was absolutely obsessed with K-pop. She would always show me videos and I would watch with feigned interest as she babbled about how thin an beautiful each of the members was. I, at the time anyway, was preoccupied with my own thoughts of how cute this one boy from JROTC was (spoiler: he's a dick), so I didn't really pay attention to anything that she was saying. So I was so close at this point to getting hooked, but I wasn't quite there.

No, the hook came when I gave her my little iPod shuffle to download her library onto it. You see, I often get bored of the music I listen to on a daily basis so I need to get new stuff to listen to. So she downloaded her playlist and I gave it a listen. She introduced me to Marina and the Diamonds, Lana Del Rey, and, most importantly, f(X). When I saw the artist name f(x), I thought it was gonna be some math nerd bullshit. I was so, so wrong.   

Electric Shock by f(x) was the very first K-pop song I listened to and remembered. I remember it very vividly, I was on the bus going home from school and I was browsing the artist names when I decided "fuck it" and tapped on the math nerd bullshit name. The song started and I was left in awe. My mouth hung open in amazement. My first thought was "this isn't English". My second thought was "this is goddamned amazing". And for the rest of the bus ride home (and the rest of that week) I listened to that song on repeat. At that point, there still might've been a chance for me.

Now, it took me a few days before I finally caved and looked up the music video on YouTube. That's when it was all over. The music video had amazing visuals. Bright colors, awesome choreography, and bad ass outfits. I became obsessed. I watched all of their music videos, I learned all of the members names, and I learned more about them. And so began my spiral into the depths of the K-Pop fandom.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past ten years, you'll know about YouTube and it's "recommended" sidebar on videos. You can literally just sit there and click away until you die. Anyway, YouTube recommended that I watch videos from other groups. I was a little hesitant, but you know I clicked that shit. That's how I got introduced to SHINee, Girls Generation, Super Junior, BIG BANG, and so on and so forth. (that's not all the groups, just the first ones)

These days it's so much more than just watching M/V's and interviews on YouTube. My entire life has been consumed. I follow every social media platform the group is on be it Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, Vlive, Weibo, Snapchat, Kakao, EVERYTHING. Every goddamned tweet gets liked and rt, every Instagram post gets liked and commented on, EVERY VLIVE GETS THE AUTO CLICKER GOING ON TWO DIFFERENT PHONES WHILE I'M COMMENTING FROM MY LAPTOP. I order all of the albums that I don't have in sets if there's more than one version, buying official merchandise, and honestly I'm thinking about buying lightsticks even though I probably wont go to a concert anytime soon (because im poor and its hard to leave Alaska).

DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON COMEBACKS. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE COMEBACKS. UGH.

Pre-ordering each version, constantly posting, constantly checking SNS for updates, CRYING ACTUAL TEARS, counting down the days, waiting for concept photos and teasers, AND WHEN THE NEW MV DROPS AT 1 IN THE GODDAMNED MORNING WATCHING IT ON THE SIX DEVICES THAT I HAVE UNTIL THE WHOLE ALBUM IS RELEASED ON ITUNES AT 3AM, LISTENING TO THE WHOLE THING, CRYING AGAIN,  AND THEN WATCHING THE COMEBACK VLIVE AND GIVING THEM ALL I HAVE TO GIVE. 

And why? Why do I put in this much effort to support these people who will never know that I exist? 

There was a time where I kind of fell off the fandom wagon because I didn’t know why I was doing any of this (I was also SUPER depressed but whatever). I've given it some thought and I think I can explain.

I put in the effort that I do because I am lonely. And these idols, these artists, make the effort to connect with us, their fans. Watching their videos, seeing their posts, and hanging out during their live videos feels almost like spending time with an old friend. And spending time with them like this makes me feel less alone I guess. They become a familiar face to us, and they just bring a smile to my face. They work so unbelievably hard for us, to make their music, to spend time with us, to put on concerts all around the world, to perfect their choreography, while also following the rules that come with being an idol. And if they're going to put in that much work for us, we have to match them in their effort. Because they really deserve the world.

And beyond just the idols, there is also a deep connection between fans as well. We are a family. I know that there is often times a lot of drama in the K-Pop fandom, and that comes from the passion that is in each and every fan, no matter who their favorite group is. K-pop fans are some of the most passionate and fiercely loyal people you will ever meet.  And we all think that our group is the best group (I'll cover that in another post). 

Being in this fandom you will meet people from all around the world, from all walks of life, and you will have something in common: your love for your group. There is the common goal to support this group, to make sure that they know how much we love them in the only way we can; through the numbers. The more views, likes, and votes we can give them the more they'll know we love them. We're all in this together. 

(HOLY SHIT THAT'S LONG I'M SORRY IF YOU ACTUALLY READ ALL THAT ILY)

in the tags are all the groups i follow/support/love/listen to/cry over. (IM SURE I MISSED SOMEONE BUT I CANT TELL WHO DAMMIT IM SORRY)

if your group isnt there, feel free to message me and tell me about them! i love learning about new groups!

[fromtheringapron]

Reviewing Google Audience Reviews of WWE Raw

One day, I searched Monday Night Raw on Google for reasons even unbeknownst to me. What is it out of boredom? A sliver of hope that I’d discover Raw had been canceled and replaced with a rebooted Prime Time Wrestling? I don’t know, but I did stumble upon some treasure in my aimless journey: Google Audience Reviews of Raw! This is apparently a new feature to Google. It allows people like you and I to give our baseless, uninformed opinions on any TV show at any time. Isn’t the Internet great?

But, man, if that wasn’t good enough, the real treasure are the reviews themselves. Such an intriguing look into the jaded, ignorant, infuriating, hilarious, and naive group of folks who make up WWE’s fanbase. The thing about the Internet, for better or worse, is that it gives a platform for all sorts of people to voice their opinion, even on a silly wrestling show. However, I’d like to think that also means it gives me the platform to give my opinion on their opinion. There are countless Raw reviews in this new section of Google, but here are a few that have really caught my eye:

Review #27: The AEW Truther

Okay, I’ll start out by sussing out some bullshit: All Elite Wrestling has a lot of promise, but we need to stop with the narrative that they’re going to be breathing down the WWE’s neck right out of the gate. They haven’t even put on their first show and don’t have a TV deal. In addition, outside of the diehard Internet fans and wrestling journalists, the casual fan who tunes into Raw isn’t going to give a fuck about AEW, mainly because they haven’t heard of it. So, no, “us Pro Wrestling fans” aren’t just going to turn to that. Again, it’s got potential and the excitement over it is valid, but I can’t help but feel the ones hyping it up the most will be the first to voice their disappointment when it doesn’t match even a fraction of what they expected.

With all of that said, I absolutely agree with this fan on the egregiousness of WWE putting an actual fascist dickhead and a convicted rapist into their Hall of Fame, especially when there’s inexplicably more rage geared toward the likes of Koko B. Ware and Torrie Wilson getting inducted, two people who were company employees for several years. I’m usually never the one to be up in arms over who gets inducted in the Hall of Fame because it’s a fake hall for a fake sport at the end of the day, but I do earnestly believe the focus should be on the workers who clocked in the hours.

Review #352: The Benoit Truther

Look, even though many will disagree, it’s okay for you to think Daniel Bryan sucks. Everyone has their own unique set of faves and least faves, and yours is no less valid than anyone else’s. Consensus in the fan community is boring, anyway.

Well, within reason anyway, because I’d like to think that the probability of Chris Benoit rotting in Hell right now is something we can all agree on. And, honestly, still listing Benoit as the greatest of all time feels wrong on a deep, moral level. The dude did some great things in his career, yes, but that’s besides the point. That doesn’t cancel out that he murdered his wife and son. Is defending the name of someone who will always be associated with a slaughtered family a hill you really want to fight on?

I don’t want to make it seem a comment like this is totally uncommon. It’s not much different from the various Youtube comments that linger on to this day about how Benoit should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. It still infuriates me though, largely because it feeds into the cesspool of Benoit apologia that’s only swelled since that fateful weekend in 2007. It’s the kind of language that words Benoit as ultimately a tragic figure whose poor brain was so damaged that his crimes were practically unavoidable, an explanation that wouldn’t be afforded to him if he weren’t so widely regarded by smarky wrestling bros. And that’s a bunch of shit.

The first half of the review isn’t so bad, which is why I didn’t include it. Maybe this fan just isn’t aware of what they’re saying, and I get that, but intentions can only go so far with me. The scariest part though? 78 people found the review helpful. The most of any review I’ve seen so far.  Fuckin’ balls.

Review #658: The Anti-Bullying Crusader

Okay, so I kinda love this. It’s such a nice reminder in a time where kayfabe is long dead and the WWE roster, regardless of heel/face alignment, will post pics with each other out in the town on social media that there are still fans who eat all of this shit up. I obviously know nothing about this person, but the review conjures up the image of an ornery senior citizen sitting ringside ready to whack those dastardly heels with a cane.

The bullying argument is hilarious. We all know WWE’s anti-bullying campaign Be A Star is hypocritical, disingenuous bullshit, largely birthed out of Linda McMahon’s failed run in politics. Like, how many of their storylines involve and normalize bullying? How many times have guys like The Rock and John Cena engaged in homophobic and misogynistic taunting on-screen over the years? There’s nothing wrong with informing your younger viewers on why bullying in real life is wrong, but you can’t deny the WWE has certainly trivialized the message. 

And it’s even more ridiculous when someone stops watching because of all the fake, scripted bullying on the show. Honestly, my friend, what are you expecting out of a wrestling product then? Bobby Roode vs. Heath Slater in a Handshake Contest? Also, this fan has been watching since they were five years old, no doubt remembering a more innocent time where Steve Austin would give the Stunner to someone who completely didn’t deserve that. 

I also love the last line. After bashing Raw for its bully-enabling platform, they at least concede that the ladies are killing it right now. Such an encouraging feminist stance!

Review #229: Everyone Had Fun and Nobody Got Hurt

Um, what? I do get what this fan is saying in the sense that, yes, wrestling is just play fighting, but “their policy of no violence”? Do I need to bring up that Roode/Slater handshake battle for the ages? And the wrestlers may sell fake injuries on TV all the time, but they can sustain injuries that are real as hell and carry some severe long-term repercussions. I feel like I’m being way too harsh, but come on now. If you’ve been watching since 1999, you’ve probably seen plenty of guys take unnecessary, dangerous bumps that shorten their careers. Watching even a small bit of Mick Foley’s work can probably tell you that.

With that said, I do love the refreshing stance in loving wrestling because it’s scripted. People usually hate on wrestling for that reason alone, largely because the business has historically gone to great lengths to make it seem real. It’s great to have someone who basically says, “You know, this is scripted bullshit and I’m okay with it.” And honestly, girl, I feel the same way. We need more people like us.

Review #44: Garden Variety Lapsed Fan #15,712

This certainly is a take. I can’t comment on what it’s like in other fandoms, but so many wrestling fans love to engage in the narrative that WWE stopped being good a long while ago and the current product is the worst it’s ever been but because they’re such a diehard fans they’ll stick around until it gets good again and willingly suffer through all of it due to the innate goodness in their hearts or some shit. The only difference in each of these arguments is that the date of the tipping point always changes. There are fans right now who’ll tell you WWE circa 2019 is the worst it’s ever been, but this was also true back when I first started traversing the Internet back in 2004 or 2005 and fans then were talking how that period was the worst it had ever been.

With that in mind, I find this review a bit refreshing in the face of Attitude Era truthers, who’ll repeatedly tell you wrestling, and seemingly all of pop culture, stopped being good sometime in the early 2000s. But as we near closer and closer to 20 years since that era ended, the more likely we are to see younger fans who have no real nostalgia for it. It won’t be long until we hear more and more talk about the salad days of Roman Reigns, Braun Strowman, and others. This fan says WWE stopped being good in late 2016/early 2017, which obviously wasn’t that long ago. I’m sure some fan daydreaming about the days of the Monday Night Wars would find this completely baffling.

It begs the question: when exactly was the WWE good? Has it ever been good? I don’t think any one answer is the sole correct one. None of these perspectives are invalid by any means. Every era of wrestling has had its pros and cons, and everyone has their own set of standards on what they consider a quality wrestling product. And, to be real, I don’t want to excuse the WWE of their shitty, at times irredeemable, booking and creative decisions. Fans have been driven away for numerous, valid reasons over the years.

But there’s that whole notion that nothing can ever bring back those early feelings of puppy love, and that’s just as true with the way wrestling first captivates you. Perhaps the constant frustration with present day WWE is partly the inability to rekindle what first hooked you in and never being able to recapture that feeling because, well, it’s simply not possible.

Review #788: Our Savior

We are not worthy of this review. A true diamond in the rough. So many good bits here. The prediction that Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose will compete in a “no holes barred” match, which sounds like something out of a Sean Cody wrestling parody. The invention of the “Tang Tang Championship” featuring the likes of “Pop Scott Dulson and his tag team partner." The referring of Baron Corbin as not only “Barry Korgan,” but also as “Brian Corbin.” The passage that merely says “All winding.” The passage that merely says “Bobby Lashley.” That it’s not even a review of Raw, the TV show, but more a comment on the existential nihilism we feel in the Trump era.

I’ve never seen a review that makes no sense but also says so much. I love the complete refusal of punctuation marks. Who needs those archaic things, anyway? It just makes it all one, continuous thought, a stream of consciousness that could make even James Joyce blush. I also dig the experimentation with spacing. After all, why do we need to just one space? Why not several? It’s important to give our thoughts the space they need and this fan understands that. Plus, it makes for poetic reading.

The review ends on an ominous note, with the fan’s last message being “My name Matthewhisee.” Is this meant to be a threat? A coded message of some sort? Matthewhisee, if that is your name, please let us know more. The world needs your insight. Oh, and to the 7 people who found this review helpful, you are the vanguards of the resistance. Bless you all.

[makingnewenemies]

Hi Hi Hi. Here is a little blurb I wrote off the top of my head about all my friends on this year’s Group Picture Vol. 8. I love them all. I love their songs. And I love that we still keep up this stupid tradition; and somehow the comp keeps getting better and better. Thanks everyone! Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays :) - walt

Sour Guy - All Those Plans Were Wrong

Last summer Kris Schobert (Sour Guy, Walter Etc. / Mitty core member, Ernie…) was admitted to the hospital… and then again… and then again…. I think he spent like a month total in the hospital. It was not chill. But when he got out, the whole experience gave him a bit of clarity and new perspective on his life and the decisions he has made thus far. I won’t speak any further for him, but Kris… hey, nice song! And your quality home recording production and continuation of the WMAHMO slop sound doesn’t not go unnoticed! This song made me tear up in a coffee shop the first time I heard it. 

Slaughter Beach, Dog - Big Band

Slaughter Beach, Dog are randomly GP staples by now but also one of my favorite bands and greatest friends. This song is a bit of a sound change for them, swapping mid tempo soft rock John K Sampson vibes for a theatrical late 60’s / 70’s sound that is a bit more light hearted than normal and I LOVE IT. It’s catchy, it makes me laugh, yet its so true. Glad to have these boys back this year.

Teal & Jer - Alphabet

Portland’s dreamiest duo Teal & Jer (Chain, Riled, Loose, lots of projects) bring a quirky alt edge to our otherwise bland and boring comp. Without them, we’d just be us. I personally would like to hear more Teal solo work??? Teal???

Milk Flud - Rodeo

If you don’t fuck with Milk Flud then you can get out.

Chase Hoyt - Health

Chase Hoyt (Ubu Roi, Feed, Chaz and the Minions of Chaz, The Rodeo…) is a GP fixture by now, and important asset to MNE because it’s his classic rock sensibilities that balance out the overload of folk / indie rock that we swim in. This song not only has a comically true message (health is the most important, i agree Chase) but the vibe, especially the chorus, has my head bobbing and me feeling like I’m on a grassy hillside at an outdoor concert in the 70’s, but also one glass of wine deep making homemade pizzas at an Air BNB with a girl I love, and that is a nice combo of feelings. “Let’s wrap it up / I’ve embarrassed us all enough”

Dry Goods - Learnt Nothing

You hear that flawless acoustic finger picking? That masculine story telling voice that sounds somewhere between a suburban Bob Dylan and a cowboy singing to the emptiness of the high desert? Yup, its Russell Park AKA Dry Goods and FKA Weston Bookhouse coming at us with another folk masterpiece, but this year adding in some new elements we aren’t quite used to- namely some cruisey guitar solos! Rumor has it Dry Goods is in the studio recording a new album right now and I would not be bummed out if this song were on it.

Byronius Punk - Beautiful Things

I just spent 3 weeks with Byronius Punk (Ian Farmer of Slaugher Beach, Dog / Modern Baseball) at his studio The Metal Shop in Philadelphia making a record with his beautiful mind and his new drum machine- so this song really hits home for me. I could write an essay on why this is the perfect Group Picture song- my three main points being - 1. It is a song about the act of creating. (“in everything that exists there lies a certain beauty / I want the world to know how much it all means to me”) which is exactly what Group Picture aims to celebrate. 2. It’s a song written and performed by someone who is usually more in the background of his bands (bassist / backup vox / recording engineer) but here has a platform to express his own individual style and skills, which is exactly what Group Picture wants to promote. 3. It has a Milk Flud name drop, which is a classic and classy GP / MNE move. Thank you Ian. You rule.

Dante Elephante - It Bothers Me

Dante Elephante are Santa Barbara legends and their new album “Rare Attractions” shows them evolving their sound into more loungey and ethereal territory. I am so glad they have joined GP this year, because I see singer / songwriter Ruben almost every weekend when he DJ’s at The Tavern in Ventura and I drunkenly annoy him / vaguely fan boy out on him. Dante being on Group Picture is a sign that our friendship extends beyond Saturday nights at the Tavern. Also their album vibes hard. Check out Rare Attractions on Spotify.

Peanut Butter Cups - Highest Quality

Petition for Aaron Kovacs (Peanut Butter cups, Lauren Records CEO, Winter Break and Summer Vacation drummer) to finally put out a full album? This catchy lo-fi pop rock is undeniably infectious. Fun fact: I’ve been hanging with this boy for almost 10 years and I’ve never heard him sing, but then he sends me these recordings and I’m like wtf your voice is so cool! If he makes a full album, MNE will put out the LP and still give him 100% of the digital income. That is how much I like Aaron’s style. 

Anika Pyle - Young Love

I once wrote a song with the lyric “I’ll probably see her on tour but she won’t be on Group Picture this year.” I’m so glad I was wrong. Welcome to GP Anika Pyle! Anika (Katie Ellen, Chumped) plays raw emotional pop rock songs and this gem “Young Love” is just the tip of the iceberg. When her vocals max out at the end of the tune and you get a little bit of musical goosebumps, that is the feeling you get for a full 30 minutes of watching her play live. Anika, please come in and stay for a while! 

Walter Etc. - This Would Only Happen to Me

Ok ok enough of the soft emotional bullshit. Here’s a song about someone coming to kill me! It’s 100% true. If you’re reading this, help!!!

Jake Lee - Good Run

Jake Lee (Bleeding Gums Murphy) strikes again with a lo-fi indie gem in which we hear Jake Lee reflect on his gaime from last year. Sounds like he made some interesting choices and is coming to terms with them? Or did I miss the mark, Jake? He is and always will be one of my favorite songwriters and his voice in this fuzz effect is not a bad look, I have to admit. The only way my life would be better is if Jake made a full album. Cheers homie.

Babytooth - State Quarters, OR

Technically, this is Babytooth’s official debut on Group Picture, but Portland, OR singer / songwriter Isabel Zacharias had a song on the comp last year that blew me away. It was her vocals and lyrics that hooked me then, and are still yanking me now. Now backed by a full band that gives dynamic range to her songs, it was still that first line “now you know you want a girl without a phone” that had me nodding “yup i love this”. Fingers crossed for Babytooth to become a GP staple.

Trashbike - Weasel

Trashbike is Bread (Blowout, Walter etc., Donkey Lips) and his homie Ru playing the pedals. He told me he wrote this song while stumbling home from the Bye and Bye. Bread is like a sexy emo prince, can’t you hear it? This song rules and I really hope Trashbike is more than just a one and done GP band. I would listen to a few albums of soft songs like this, wouldn’t you?

Banned From Japan - Vegan X

Welcome back to the Socal Valley punk rockers Banned From Japan! If you know that singer / songwriter Matthew Earle has been sober for a few years, this song is hilarious, simultaneously poking fun at vegan straight-edge and himself. The music rips and his vocals are catchy af. Fat Wrecks Chords come and sign Banned From Japan asap!

Walter X - Winter Shy

Ok. This is a bit meta. Walter X (Michael Mahaffie and his WMAHMO / Walter Etc. hardcore chip tune cover project) covers an old Walter GP song as his own GP song. Pretty niche MNE content! This song, in this Lifetime-esque style, his vocals so clear but so gruff, those guitar harmonies, the creative intro and chip-tuney bridge…. this literally gives me chills and is so much better than the original. I encourage anyone reading this to go check out his own original music under the name Jump Cut. It sounds just like this but with Michael’s own songs, shedding the limitations of the musical simpleton Walter songs.  Also, check out the full Walter X album on Spotify! What a talented dude…

Curling - Genkai Trip

Curling released their MNE album “Definitely Band” this year and the musical arrangements / song structures absolutely floored me. Genkai Trip is a song that got left off the album, but lives on through GP! Singer / guitarist Bernie Gelman noted “There's some pretty wacky guitar overdubs where Jojo and I each doubled some guitar parts while the other person was playing with the trem on the guitar, so you get this really weird detuning effect.” and yup that is Curling in a nutshell for you. Always excited to play around with gear and recording techniques that are way beyond my level.  I think this is an extremely underrated band and highly encourage the world to check out Definitely Band on spotify!

Ali Muhareb - DIY Hell

Ali? What the hell did you even make this song? It’s intriguing in the verses and then when the chorus busts out it sounds like if Dough Martsch were an up and coming artist in Portland in 2018. I actually had to text Ali to ask what these guitar sounds were and, if anyone is interested, he responded, “I compressed two guitars together through a virtual amp. And they’re both running through this sick pedal I got called the Data Corrupter.” For sure Ali! Thanks for a bad ass tune.

Dakota Loesch - Don’t Solve My Mysteries

I’ve been listening to a lot of Dakota’s music (solo, Animal City, Lemp Lungs) recently. I keep coming back to it, and its not a mystery. After hundreds of songs in his pocket, songs like “Don’t Solve My Mysteries” still sound musically and lyrically fresh, like Dakota has never had writer’s block in his life. When I listen to his music, I feel like it vicariously breaks down my own creative barriers. For instance when I first heard this song and he dropped the hook “just don’t solve all mysterious” I had that knee-jerk urge to ditch what I was doing and go write a poem or something. His will to create is just that contagious. Combine that with the Casio-keyboard bedroom drum machine vibe that I love so much about his songs like “The Basmati Rice” and you have a 10/10 GP banger. 

Jerbear - Nowhere Girl

Jerbear is Jeremy Murphy (Teal & Jer, Riled, so many) and he is the king of a few things: weird bad guitar tones, asymmetrical organic song structures, rad lyrics that I never understand, and a voice that is universally loved. He stole my heart with Cranberries in the Cosmos on a previous GP, but I think Nowhere Girl takes the cake. Jer- when do we get the full solo album? Please don’t fall into the category of GP lost wonders. You’re not too shabby at this music thing! 

Hemingway - Catch My Cool

Catch My Cool is a B-side from Hemingway’s You Will Never Be Happy.

I played drums in Hemingway at this time and I always vibed that Benny didn’t really like the way this song came out int he studio. I don’t get why? That vocal melody, soft sad and surfy guitar leads… it makes me wanna hold hands with a girl on Christmas Eve while walking down some bougie street looking at Christmas Lights. It sounds like a Starflyer 59 worship track and I love it for that. Benny, you made a mistake. This song should have made the album. 

Alex Maddox - The Hypocrit’s Dilemma

I’ve heard Alex play this song when we get together to jam, and he always laughs it off as a Walter Mitty rip off song. But honestly, this is what I wish WMAHMO would write about if we made a folk punk record today. If you listen to this song knowing that Alex Maddox was a guy who quit his high paying job to travel Europe in his van, surfing and skating and working on farms, the lyrics to this song are way more wanna-be Walter Mitty. The song depicts a transformation in his paradigm and is completely raw, authentic, and sincere. Alex inspires me to chase a wholesome life that is designed for and by myself, rather than the obvious and sterile template that is provided for us, and this song exemplifies that 1000%. 

Uncle Uncle - Nira (I’m Alive)

We played with Uncle Uncle last year in Santa Barbara and I honestly think we should have opened for them. They are actually a good band, both live and recorded. Stylish, friendly, and comically laid back- they might be the quintessential Santa Barbara band. A semi-new band, Uncle Uncle is gaining momentum quickly, and I won’t be surprised when the day comes that Kevin and Dom big time me on State st. Til then, I’m just glad I get to claim that they were on a Group Picture. 

Humphrey Orlando - Set U Free

Ah, Humphrey. No, Humphrey accompanied by Toast. Two legends as old as MNE itself. What is there to say? I could listen to their wandering ballads til I fall into the Big Sleep, and still the melodies linger on…

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #478

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up”

If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? No. Do you have things on your mind right now? My weight is very, very much on my mind. I dared to weigh myself yesterday and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. So that's comforting. Are you at all stressed right now? ^^^^^^^ hunny I wanna pull all my hair out What was the last stuffed animal you bought? I don't know. What’s the last new good song that you discovered? "The Devil's Rejects" by Rob Zombie. I've been really into him lately. Felicity, Fiona, or Flavia? (with the “v” pronounced like a “w”–it’s Latin) "Felicity" is beautiful. I love the word in general. Which biblical name do you prefer: Naomi, Esther, Rachel, or Joanna? I love the name Naomi. Do you own a cowboy hat? No. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? No; she unfriended me. Has someone let you down recently? My goddamn self. What are you looking forward to? Mom to get better so we can force ourselves back into the gym. Also Girt's mom to get better so we can see each other. For the weather to actually feel fall-ish. What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bad Romance." Skeletons or scarecrows? Skelly boiz What type of tree is the most common where you live? Oh, absolutely pine trees. Where did your last kiss take place? My living room. Name of your pet? Venus and Roman. How was your summer? Shitty. I hate summer. Do you miss anyone right now? I really miss Girt. Covid's gotta go. What size is your shirt? *feral hissing noises* Who was the last person you held hands with? Girt. Do you get out of bed on the left side or right side? Left, because I sleep mostly to the left. Do you like to be closer or farther back to the wheel when driving? Neither, I think? I haven't driven in so long that I'm not sure, but I'm quite sure I position myself pretty ideally. When eating dinner, do you eat foods in order or just inhale it? It's usually kind of in order, but occasionally I'll mix it up. When you lose your phone, where is the first general place you look? My bed. Do you fall asleep with your mouth open or closed? Usually closed. I tend to breathe through my nose unless I'm stuffy. What was the last bug you killed? An ant. Do you keep items in your front or back pants’ pocket? Front. What was the last item or location you cleaned? My glasses. Do you own a pet spider? No, but I REALLY want a number of tarantulas. :( The more time that passes, the more I want some, ha ha. I'd also love a jumping spider or two, but Mom won't allow even that. Have you ever gone on a cruise? No. Is there a rocking chair in your house? No. Have you ever been stood up? No. Do you like elevators or escalators? I'm scared of both. I'm afraid of getting stuck in an elevator, or falling down an escalator/tripping on one. Which do you prefer: M&M’s, Skittles, or Reese’s Pieces? Reese's Pieces, yum. If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick? Uhhhh maybe Spider-Man, if I could web-sling too? lol Where on your body would you never get a tattoo? ... Can/do people get genitalia tattoos? Because I would fuckin never- Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest? Hell no. I would puke. Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car? Absolutely not. Never. What is the first song that comes to mind when I say: Michael Jackson? "Billie Jean." Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons are just dinos that can fly and breathe fire, so... you tell me which is more dangerous. I'd still try to befriend one tho lmao. Can you say “hello” in another language? Yeah; German is easy. It's just "hallo." Do you like licorice? NO omg Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger? Mom did. Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it? I really like his roles in Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Were you ever force-fed as a child? My parents tried to enforce always finishing our plates. My mom is very against that now, considering the issues it can cause. Should kidneys or other organs be able to be bought and sold? No????? That's some black market bullshit for a reason. What is one of your most important rules when going on a date? Especially if it's your first date with a person, watch for red flags. Will children today have better or worse lives than their parents, and why? Well, it'll probably go in both ways depending on the topic. The environment is dying, the economy is horrific, but I'm sure there will be things like medical advancements. What's the most ironic thing you've seen happen? I dunno. Would you rather go ice skating or roller skating? Roller skating. The blades on ice skates scare me. How many different types of guns have you shot? (water, Nerf, real, etc) Uhhh just water and Nerf, I think? Which of the three meals a day are you most likely to skip? It's very unlikely you'll see me miss a meal... I don't handle the feeling of hunger well. What's something lots of people are afraid of, but you aren't? Snakes, some spiders, I don't THINK I'm scared of deep water, the dark... Do you know anyone who is tolerant of some on the LGBT spectrum but not all? Yes. Do open casket wakes freak you out? I've only been to one, as a child, when I didn't have a full grasp on death, so it was... oddly more fascinating to me, as weird as that sounds? I think going to one now, especially if it was someone close to me, it would make the wake more upsetting. When's the last time you slept in your parents' bed? No clue. What's something that will always be in fashion? Skinny jeans, checkered Vans... What "old person things" do you do? I regularly say "back in the day," lol. And I can go to sleep very early, like 7, but that's uncommon. I complain about soreness in my back and stuff. Do you live in the same hometown as where you were born? No. Did you dorm at college or commute from home? I commuted from home. Do you prefer the thin blue and white masks, or decorative ones? Well, who wouldn't prefer decorative ones? They're more personal to your interests and stuff and I feel is more encouraging to make people wear them. I however don't want to spend money on a mask, so I'm chill with just the blue surgical ones. Have you ever witnessed someone have a seizure before? My dog, yes. Have you ever rode on the back of a shopping cart, or a Home Depot dolly? Yeah, as a kid. Does everything you buy have to be organic? No. I don't buy the groceries, but I also don't care much about that. Do you support more small businesses or chain restaurants/stores? Habitually, chain ones. I wish I paid more attention to small businesses. Have you ever been crowned king or queen at a school dance? No. How old were you when you first started wearing a bra? Am I supposed to remember that? Are you more invested in computer games or video games? I don't care what the game is on; I can be equally invested in either. I prefer to play console games, though. Are you a fan of pumpkin spice everything? Noooo. I'm not a massive fan of it, actually. Is there any holiday that you don't decorate your house for? We only really decorate for occasionally Halloween and always Christmas. Mom may put up some Thanksgiving stuff. Tell me something your parents don't know about. They don't know certain places I've done sexual things at/on. What's the last table food you fed your pet? Roman doesn't get human food. He learned at a young age that's a no-no. Have you ever peed in the water at the beach? Ew, no. Even if it's incredibly vast, people still swim in that. Have you ever scored a winning goal for a team you played for? I doubt it. Have you ever participated in LARPing? No. Have you ever gotten a divorce? Never been married. Do you prefer "regular kissing" or French kissing? I mean that depends on the place and the mood. Are you more likely to give a hickey to someone else or get one? I haven't done that in many years, and when it happened, I don't think one of us did it more than the other. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I HATE sprinkles. Have you been in more car accidents as a passenger or a driver? I've only ever been in an accident as a passenger. Have you ever been wrongfully convicted of a crime? No. Was any of the cafeteria food at your school actually any good? I actually didn't mind a good number of things. Have you ever wanted to become a lifeguard? No. What's the highest fever you've ever had? I'm unsure, but over 100. Have you ever kissed a dog on the mouth? Well, dogs have kissed ME on the mouth. al;sdkfjalksdjkf so gross When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? Uh, I don't believe so. I feel like I would know that if I was. Would you enter a burning building to save a kitten? I feel like I would, I think. My intense love of animals would probably force me to kick into action. Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? Haaaa, I have a bias for "Mark," of course... but if we're talking which name I find most appealing, it's probably John. Or Luke. Have you ever been told that you talk too much? As a child, yes. Do you like to clean? Does ANYBODY enjoy it? Do you know of anyone who went into labor at the baby shower? Uh yikes. No. When's the last time you did a hand game with someone? (ie: Mary Mack) Probably not since I was little. Do you know anyone who was not born in a hospital, unexpectedly? No. Does anyone you know have dual citizenship to live in multiple countries? Possibly? Do you still have a landline phone/phone number? No. Name a fad that was popular when you were growing up, that you miss. Oh, I KNOW there's some things, but I don't recall right now. Have you ever gotten to milk a cow or a goat? No. I'm not sure I'd want to.

[daggerzine]

Never too late. Sorrows’ Arthur Alexander brings us up to speed.

Though NYC power pop band Sorrows began way back in 1980 (the year their debut LP, Teenage Heartbreak was released) my introduction to them was about a decade ago when the Bomp label released the Bad Times Good Times record. Ok, so I was three decades late, that’s ok. Arthur Alexander, Joey Cola, Ricky Street and Jett Harris made up Sorrows and these guys made the NYC scene, wowing crowds at CBGB’s. Max’s Kansas City and other NYC clubs. Fast forward to a few months ago when I read that the Big Stir label is reissuing Sorrows 2nd album, Love Too Late…..well, sort of. Arthur and the guys re-recorded it (with 3/4 of the original lineup…Luis Herrera replacing Jett on drums) and retitled it, Love Too Late……the real album. You can read all about the specifics below but this new version sounds fantastic! The songs are punchy, hooky and, well, just great songs. I tossed some questions Arthur’s way and he was more than happy to gimme the skinny. Read on, dear readers and do check out the “new” album (also check out Bomp’s Poppee’s compilation, Pop Goes the Anthology. Arthur and Jett’s pre-Sorrows band).

Old-school Sorrows

So going way back what happened to the original album Love Too Late?

Our well-received debut album “Teenage Heartbreak” under the belt, we were ready to record a follow-up.  We were going to London to record it, got the legendary Shel Talmy (The Who, The Kinks, The Easybeats, etc.) to produce it and the world was ours for the taking.

Well, the stars were not exactly aligned the way we had hoped, and literally, right from the start.

First, after landing at Heathrow, Her Majesty’s Immigration Officials took exception to a bunch of guys in black leather jackets, hauling a music store worth of guitars and wanted to know what do they owe this pleasure to.  “What do you mean?! Step aside, we’re here to record our masterpiece album!”, said the clueless foursome us.   Turns out, in their infinite wisdom our record label didn’t even bother securing work visas for us, so our “Welcome to UK” passport stamps quickly turned into “Order to deport”.  After long negotiations at the airport by yours truly, playing Henry Kissinger for a day, I managed to convince them to let us in, somehow, with a special short term tourist visa. Say bye-bye to any possible gigs while we’re here as well.

On the second (first?) day of recording Shel decided to replace Jett Harris, our drummer.  Out went Jett, in came some studio hack with a feel for rock ‘n roll of a… studio hack. In all fairness, a nice enough chap, quick study and a proficient drummer, but played with the fire and intensity of a McDonald’s jingle session he probably just came from.

Right there, the heart of Sorrows was no longer beating.

In the ensuing days we discovered that we also no longer had three lead singers, but instead, Joey Cola became the “lead singer” of the band; a bunch of studio singers were singing all of our harmonies; our ferocious two-guitar onslaught was gone, drowning under the layers of synthesizers and the singing army of castratos.

When I heard the work in progress, I realized I basically had very limited options: fire Shel Talmy (or throw him down the stairs – plan B); shred the tape, or leave. Being a well-mannered idiot that I was I chose the latter. I packed my stuff, wrote Shel a note that I want nothing to do with this record, requesting that he erase all my guitar tracks (which of course he didn’t honor, no surprise there) and walked out of the studio, never to return.

After coming back to New York we were on an immediate collision course with the label. We told them this record is a total fake, we want nothing to do it and are going right back to being the band we are (were)… wait, or how about back to being the band they signed?

It didn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone, except for the label, that the record was a total stiff.  The DJs didn’t want to play it and our fans, even though they liked the songs, knew instinctively this was not a “Sorrows record”.

LTL...the original album cover.  Arthur says- “For what it’s worth, I always liked the cover.  Maybe, subconsciously, I was desperately looking  for something to like about this piece of shit with our name on it we were forced to live with.”

Did the band break up immediately afterward?

No, not immediately, but the writing was on the wall… Joey turned into a full-blown junkie, disappeared into a haze of drugs and alcohol and was fired from the band; a replacement was found, which the label would not accept; then Ricky left, another replacement…

Finally, I said ‘enough’ and dissolved the band.

What came next? Did you (and the other guys) keep writing/recording music?

Yes, I put my own studio together and immersed myself in working on my own stuff and producing other artists; Joey… who knows what he did, I’m just glad he eventually reemeged from the land of the dead, is thriving and back to making music again; Ricky played with a couple of other bands, and Jett too, before retiring from the business altogether.

Had you been in touch with the other guys the whole time or not?

On and off, absolutely.  There’s no “bad blood” between us, just life taking its course and the fact that I moved to Los Angeles so we are now bi-coastal, the rest of the guys still live in New York/New Jersey area. And of course we would get together for the sessions in the process of working on this release.

 The Bomp comp  (Per Arthur- “essentially, a re-release of “Teenage Heartbreak”, with bonus tracks and vastly improved mixes”)

Was there a legal issue with being able to record the songs again (did a label own the rights)?

Yes. like with so many other bands, we signed our lives away.  Musically speaking,  they owned us lock, stock and barrel.  It took years and years of negotiating with CBS, then SONY, all of it going nowhere. It wasn’t until the Orphan Works Act was passed by the US Congress in 2011 that allowed us to reclaim the rights to our songs and recording masters.  

 At what point did you decide to re-record the songs?

As I like to say, I made that decision the first week of our London sessions with Shel Talmy, after I walked out of there and never came back. I didn’t know how or when.  I just knew I was not going to allow this piece of fake crap with our name on it to be our legacy for this record.  They decided to fuck with the wrong guy.  It just took 40 years to get it done, but who’s counting?!

How did drummer Luis Herrera come into the picture? He’s excellent!

When in 2011 ��Bad Times Good Times” album was released by Bomp! Records (essentially a re-release of “Teenage Hertbreak”, only way better sounding!) we started touring to support the album.  Since Jett was out of the picture we needed a new drummer.  On one of my nights out to LA clubs I spotted Luis playing with his band at the time.  Couldn’t take my eyes off of him… and the rest, as they say, is history.  Luis is also a part of my Arthur Alexander Band here in LA and played on both of my solo records, “One Bar Left” which came out in 2018 and the new one I’m finishing right now, coming out soon.

How was the first rehearsal?

Amazing.  It was just the three of us, Luis, Robbie Rist on bass and me. Joey was about to fly into LA to join us.  We started running through the songs and from the first downbeat it felt like a jet taking off… uplifting!  

How was it to work with Robbie Rist?

Excruciating and orgasmic, all at the same time!… I hate that guy!  He makes me feel so woefully inadequate!  Kidding aside, I love this guy! Robbie is a true child prodigy, an amazing drummer, guitarist, singer, you name it.  I don’t think there’s anything this guy can’t do.  But he does like to march to his own drum machine and that can be problematic at times.  Other than the times when I’m chasing after him with a meat cleaver?... a total joy to work with!  lol

How did contact with Big Stir Records come about?

It was really “organic”… They were holding a series of monthly Big Stir concerts and invited my Arthur Alexander Band to partake.  It went from there.  I got to know them not only as fellow musicians but also as people.  When the  time came to look for a label for “Love Too Late… the real album”, it was a no-brainer. The label profile was tailor-made for the kind of music Sorrows do, and even more important, they were the kind of people whose circle I wanted to be a part of.  Heart and soul, no bullshit – that’s the only thing I have room for at this point in my life.

 LTL...the new version 

Who are some of your favorite current artists?

Not much to speak of on the national/international scene, I really can’t think of any.  On a local LA scene Pat Todd and The Rankoutsiders.  Great fucking band, these guys should be playing stadiums, not LA dives!

Will there be more recording? Any live shows?

Funny you should ask!... After coming back from that Shel Talmy London cluster fuck, we were soooo totally disheartened, deflated, feeling beaten and betrayed.

There ain’t no cure for rock & roll blues better than some balls-to-the-wall rock ‘n’ roll, the Sorrows way!

We reconnected with Mark Milchman, one of the producers on “Teenage Heartbreak; reconvened at Mediasound Studio in New York where we recorded “Teenage Heartbreak”; set up mics, our amps and drums and in the course of one night ripped through an album’s worth of material.  And that’s the next Sorrows album you’re gonna hear!

Live shows?... ummm…waiting for the anti-vaxxer assholes to get a clue or die.  I have no appetite for going to a club to play a show, get 2 drink tickets, a few bucks and Covid as an extra bonus.

  Arthur giving the one finger salute. 

www.bigstirrecords.com

www.bigstirrecords.bandcamp.com 

www.bompstore.com