#or she goes away to die peacefully in nature

[kdelarenta]

otp vibes tag game

created by @/future-ghoost, thank you baby @grapecaseschoices for tagging me!!

i'm tagging @agentark @gauntlings @flowersforcedric @agentnatesewell and anyone else who wants to do this!!

fate: indecisive (happy/tragic)

dynamic: enemies to lovers, doomed lovers, parallel lines, unstoppable force meets immovable object, reluctant soulmates, mutually required, unwanted love

otp: manerkol x valkyrie (aka valerkol)

song:

my tears ricochet - taylor swift

[fullscoreshenanigans]

Is there an age limit for the Moms/Sisters?

For me it would be reasonable that after 60 Moms either die or become Grandma. But I'm not sure how this system works. 😅

No. It feels like it could be a thing, given the conditions we see the sister candidates in and the violent fates many meet that Shirai purposely brings to our attention.

(Chapter 170 | Chapter 181.2 | TPN Light Novel 2: Moms’ Song of Remembrance - “Searching for the Skies of Freedom”)

But despite the oppressive nature of the farm system easily lending itself to the idea, there's no mention of a hard age or time limit for moms and sisters. Assuming they don't make any grievous mistakes, it seems like they're allowed to live as long as they're useful.

(Chapter 165)

Unless they're set up to take the fall for someone else.

The second light novel goes into further detail about how due to the very limited number of positions outside of headquarters, some sisters choose to retrain and pursue other roles in the system.

But even then, it doesn't seem like they're allowed to pass away peacefully in their sleep due to old age and have that be the end of it. Under this system, their ultimate fate is to become food.

On the flip side of things, Krone specifically mentions Isabella becoming a mom at nineteen is an extraordinary feat.

(Chapter 181.2 | TPN Light Novel 2: Moms’ Song of Remembrance - “Searching for the Skies of Freedom”)

This happens when Krone is thirteen or fourteen, and while we don't know exactly when Sarah became grandma between Isabella entering headquarters at twelve and becoming a mom, I default to her assuming the role when Isabella is around eighteen or nineteen and installing Isabella at plant no.3 being one of her first major actions as grandma that would best serve herself.

(Chapter 181.3)

Though with Isabella's scores she had enough justification to frame it based entirely on merit and beneficial to the bottom line of the farms if she booted out another mom prematurely.

(Chapter 181.3 | Mystic Code Book Chapter 1 Q&A)

[pilot-boi]

Wonder what other ghosts affect the Voices AU. Watts? Lionheart? Sienna? Fennec Albain? Amber? Vernal? Brawnz, Roy, and May Z? Pilot Boi? Fria? Nicholas Schnee? Gretchen? F Pickerel (the guy who initially captured Tyrian)? Ilia's parents? That huntsman that died in front of RNJR in Volume 4? Fox's uncle Copper? Marcus Black? Bartleby from Brunswick Farms? Ozpin (the host, not Ozma)? Forest? Curious? Neo's parents? Rhodes? Sleet? Hazel? Tock? Tukson? Clover? Vine? Sorry this is a lot.

Nah you’re good, lemme just cover them one at a time. It’s nice to see people excited

Saddle in because this going to be VERY long

Okay first of all we need to establish some ground rules. Not all deaths in Remnant create a ghost, otherwise Jaune wouldn’t be able to function ANYWHERE because if all natural deaths made a ghost the whole world would be infested

So ghosts only appear from particularly traumatic/violent deaths. AKA Grimm, usually. But if you die peacefully in your bed, you don’t make a ghost.

ALSO, if it’s been long enough, or they don’t have a reason to stay, a ghost will fade away. This process is faster for ghosts without their Aura unlocked. As they fade they become harder and harder to understand until their speech is complete unintelligible

For example, Oz and Salem’s daughters have LONG since faded. In Kuroyuri most of the citizens are still around but they’re completely unintelligible and barely corporeal, but Li is the same as the day he died because he has a “mission” to continue protecting the village

So going through the list, I can say that Fria, Nicholas Schnee, and presumably Neo’s parents wouldn’t have ghosts. They all died naturally. But all those other guys would have ghosts

Most of them continue haunting the area where they died, or go off and do their own thing

Some of them would probably follow the gang around if they could but they don’t know where the gang is. For example, Ironwood only knows where they are because he was in the inner circle and so knows the next target is Vacuo

And then there’s the ghosts that don’t follow out of choice

Pilot Boi, for example, tries to find his way back to Atlas. Bartleby continues haunting his farm even after the gang leave. Lionheart is a coward and stays in Haven Academy. The huntsman who died returns to the capital, same with Tock with her respective city. Forest and Sleet stay haunting the ruins of Mantle and Atlas, as do Amber and Tukson with Vale.

That leaves a LOT of ghosts though, so let’s cover them one at a time

Most of them, if they don’t haunt a location, follow around someone who was important to them in life, like Pyrrha does with Jaune

Watts and Ironwood both go to Vacuo, because they know that’s the next target. They bicker the whole way which is very entertaining

Hazel follows Emerald around, a sort of guardian spirit. Since he helped them escape and fought Salem for them, Jaune doesn’t see any reason to try and get him to leave. He does tell Emerald that Hazel is there, though

Fennec follows his brother around, which mostly just consists of the two of them sitting in jail. He tries to comfort his brother, but of course Corsac doesn’t know he’s there

Sienna follows Adam around, constantly berating him, and she helps Pyrrha kick his ass when he finally dies. After that she goes back to Menagerie

Vernal either follows Raven around or returns to the tribe. It’s not like she’d be lonely, there’s plenty of ghosts in the Branwens to keep her company

Brawnz, Roy, and May Z all follow Nolan to Vacuo when he goes. He doesn’t know they’re there until Jaune arrives and can tell him, and then Nolan breaks down crying because his team didn’t let him have to be alone, even after dying

Gretchen, of course, follows her twin around and the two reunite after his death. It’s the happiest and most complete Hazel has felt in decades. Jaune doesn’t even know they were siblings until after Hazel dies and they reunite. After all, she still looks seventeen

F Pickerel probably tries to follow Tyrian around, at least until he joins Salem, and then the man’s spirit is promptly banished. Gretchen she allows to stay because she knows the girl won’t try to interfere, she just wants to be with her brother, but Pickerel could be a problem

Ilia’s parents of course follow her around, from Mantle to Mistral to Menagerie and eventually to Vacuo. Not that she knows, again until Jaune gets to Vacuo and can tell her. Then she has a similar reaction to Nolan

Copper follows Fox until he joins team CFVY and finally has a family again, then the man passes on since his “nephew” is safe and loved

Marcus Black would certainly TRY to follow Mercury, at least until he gets to Everlight. Then the man almost meets a similar fate from Gretchen as Adam does at Pyrrha’s hands. Gretchen isn’t quite strong enough to get him to leave, just enough to get him to keep his distance. Once Hazel dies, though, it’s all over for him

Ozpin, of course, follows Oscar around. Jaune actually figured something is up with Oscar when they first meet because for the first time ever, someone else can hear what a ghost is saying. Only the most recent Ozcarnation remains as a spirit, and as the merge comes closer, Ozpin’s ghost starts to fade

Oz used to be able to see/hear ghosts just like Salem, but as he’s used up his magic he’s lost that ability. He DOES know that Jaune can see ghosts, because the boy makes eye contact with him and reacts when he speaks to Oscar

Rhodes would, of course, follow Cinder, but he gets similarly banished when she joins up with Salem. A Huntsman’s spirit is too dangerous to keep around

Clover follows Qrow around, trying to apologize to the man for his stupidity. The two of them reunite when Vine dies, and they actually also get to reunite with Tortuga as well. With Tortuga back it’s the first time the Ace Ops have felt whole since his death, and all three follow the remaining Ace Ops to Vacuo

And finally, the Curious Cat. CC doesn’t leave a spirit when they die, because Ascension works differently. No body left behind, so I figure also no spirit. Alyx only left one behind because she was killed and because she’s from Remnant she doesn’t ascend

[mako-neexu]

that manga fucking rules so much i didnt even care the handwriting made me slowdown reading what the kanji was and i stared at it 15 minutes per character. i messed up my sleep schedule by reading this but its worth it theyre uploading it gradually but its about 14 out of 89 pages so im looking forward to the rest hehe

im too lazy to typeset so i will describe it instead~ It's your average yakudou comic with guda getting hurt. But its a perspective that i love so far...so i want to ramble about it

but of course it starts with a fight: "Everyday life" "Fighting, getting hurt, healing, and-" then theres a beast approaching her, "sometimes, death"

then it cuts to guda in the hospital bed, waking up 3 days later from her injuries with rider vinci on her bedside in the infirmary, checking her vitals. then da vinci casually drops onto ritsuka that if it wasnt for medea lily she would be alive bc, THE ENTRETY OF HER LEFT HALF OF HER BODY WAS TORN APART BY THE MONSTER and shed have died <3

then she says "anyways, im glad your right hand (command spells) wasn't damaged/taken and your wounds was deep but youre healed now. anyways, you good to go on the next mission?" then we cut to the flashbacks of guda in their moment of "death" at this point i was eating all of my fist... then guda just says "yeah lets go" with a smile

theres so many things wrong with that scene in a single instant but its a drug to me to see this kind of interaction where someone says "thank god your staff is safe but anyways 3/4ths of yourself got blown away but thats fixable <3"

then next was oberon's perspective where he describes her as a self sacrifical idiot, that theres no other word for her as she always comes back with scars and wound from fighting, and he doesnt know just what drives her to come back again and again until shes satisfied. then oberon sees artoria being worried she confesses to him about today's events where "ritsuka and i were walking in town to run some errands but just when i heard screams from ritsuka i was too late to notice"

and when castoria turned around all she could see was Ritsuka getting attacked by the enemy from behind, smiling peacefully as if saying "Ah- this is where i die" and castoria is so distressed and worried and shes crying a little and she talks about hers and oberon's love for ritsuka about protecting her and about her not knowing what to do bc she just wants ritsuka to smile my heart was going to give out for the three of them😭 i love them really much

but then next scene fucks me up even more with obecas visiting ritsuka again in the infirmary, then i find out castoria was also the reason why guda is alive. then da vinci says, "no matter what i'll heal ritsuka as best as i can" then oberon says, "Wow, aren't you so desperate about whether she lives or dies?"

Da Vinci, exasperated but now smiling: What are you saying?? It's just natural, after all...

THEN THIS SCENE KILLED ME LIKE IT KILLED GUDA HHH IM GOING TO DIE TOO

"She is our Master!"

Then Oberon pauses. Then internally he goes, "Our Master?"

...Because isnt that saying:

"Precisely because Fujimaru Ritsuka is a "Master" that she is worth healing."

then the comic ends im dying over here bc its 14 pages so far but i need more to stuff it inside my guts

[wishforged]

no. 6 liveread (vol 3)

volume 3 starts off basically where we left off with shion washing dogs. inukashi tells him to dump the soap in the river and shion is like no the people downstream use this water to drink. inukashi is like IDGAF about the people downstream but shion says they should care about them because theyre people just like them. even the people of no. 6 are people just like them. inukashi tells him he won't survive here if he thinks like that. they wonder why nezumi puts up with shion.

shion asks about their relationship with nezumi and inukashi admits that they pay him to sing to his dogs who are sick and dying painfully. they say nezumi's voice is like the wind that carries struggling souls away so they can die peacefully and not in pain like inukashi's mom did. inukashi's mom was a dog who kept them warm and groomed them when they were a kid. shion says she must have been a good mom and inukashi is touched.

as shion happily washes the dogs, inukashi goes back into the hotel and finds nezumi upstairs. inukashi thinks about nezumi's act at the theater and his charisma and allure on stage. they think nezumi is a fraud for manipulating his audience and taking their money. he even took a ton of money from inukashi when they asked him to sing their mother to her grave.

side note, I'm thinking about how nezumi is so cynical about everything but passionate about the stories he tells shion to read, all his plays and poems. what's his attitude towards his work on stage?

nezumi wants to give inukashi gold coins to do a job for him. inukashi is like if its that much money it must be a dangerous af job so no way.

nezumi proceeds to skillfully manipulate inukashi. he tells them that if they don't want to take this job, fine, they'll never have anything to do with each other again, and if inukashi is suffering he sure won't be there to send them to a peaceful death. this troubles inukashi a lot. they don't want a torturous, drawn-out death. so they give in even though theyre angry at nezumi for striking at their weakness.

nezumi wants information about the correctional facility (where safu is being held.) inukashi is like how can I get you that but nezumi has deduced their secret -- they have contacts in the correctional facility because they use dogs to smuggle food from there.

side note, nezumi is often described very androgynously, as he is here. he also has feminine wiles. sorry it won't let me crop properly.

inukashi agrees to do the job but guesses it has something to do with shion. nezumi plays it off but inukashi gloats that now he knows shion really is precious to nezumi -- he's a weakness. this pisses nezumi off and he uses one of his mice to paralyze one of inukashi's dogs as a show of strength. I dont understand how these mice can do literally everything.

This is from a little earlier, but I think nezumi's androgynous looks speak to his split nature. he's both gentle when he's looking after shion and singing to dogs, but he's also exceptionally cold and ruthless. he's elegant and bewitching when he's on stage as Eve and coarse and tough in his daily life. it makes you wonder what his gender presentation would be if he had a normal life and how he would express himself if he didn't always have to be on the defensive.

shion bursts in as tension defuses and mentions that he has named the mice. cravat and hamlet!! nezumi gets annoyed and leaves. inukashi complains but shion says nezumi is kind. inukashi starts to understand how close they are, and that shion is nezumi's Achilles heel. shion plays with dogs and inukashi tells him he and nezumi are the only people that never laughed at them when they heard about inukashi's mom being a dog.

chapter 2 starts with a brief POV passage of another wasp plague victim in no. 6. then it switches to karan's pov. she muses about how life in Chronos never suited her and she wasn't angry with Shion for sheltering nezumi 4 years ago. he was just doing what he thought was right, and besides she likes working at the bakery. but now she's worried about Safu and shion. she has a conversation with an old lady in the park who says they're lucky to live in no. 6 and the residents of west block are all savages. Karan is about to disagree, but then a strange man arrives and pulls her away into a car. okay?

the man drives Karan back towards her home in Lost Town. he says the old woman could have been an informant for the authorities. turns out he is the uncle of a child who frequests Shion's bakery whose name is yoming. he tells Karan to be careful and not space out in public. in no. 6, the so-called utopia, it's not wise or safe to show dissatisfaction or sadness. he says he had a wife and son who disappeared one day. his wife was a teacher who was persecuted by the education bureau. he drops Karan off at home but she thinks she hears a bee buzzing around...

chapter 3 starts from Safu's POV. she's on some sort of surgical table and drifting in and out of consciousness. she hopes Shion will save her. she might be in the correctional facility but also maybe not? can't tell

back in the west block, nezumi has tasked shion with buying meat and bread at the market. inukashi paid him and also gave him more work so he can provide for himself a little more now. they also gave shion a bodyguard dog.

predictably, some kids steal most of shion's meat and bread. the dog tries to stop them but shion tells him to heel. he's actually kind of relieved knowing the kids will have food tonight even though nezumi will probably yell at him.

he runs into rikiga who says living with nezumi must suck but shion says he actually enjoys spending time with him.

then rikiga takes shion to a clothing store to buy him some winter clothes lol. in the shop, he sees a coat, and it's... safu's coat... he demands to know where the coat came from and soon enough finds out from what he hears that safu is being held in the correctional facility and that inukashi smuggles stuff out of there. he runs out of the shop, desperate to find inukashi and hear what they know.

chapter 4 is centered around two confrontations, one that nezumi has with inukashi and one that he has with shion. it starts with nezumi walking around and angsting about his indecision re Karan's note about safu. he still can't quite figure out if he should show it to shion or not. and he knows that indecision is dangerous.

he's so wrapped up in his thoughts he doesn't notice that inukashi has sneaked up on him. inukashi tells him shion found safus coat and that hes probably going to go to the correctional facility and get himself killed trying to save her. nezumi is like mind your own business. inukashi is like you know he's gonna go alone without telling you right? that's the kind of person he is.

oof. they scuffle and inukashi sics their dogs on nezumi. theres like a million dogs but nezumi manages to hold his own against them. he does get bit by one though. inukashi concedes defeat and is like I just wanted to show you youre not as strong as you think. "You're just a human. And a man can only do so much by himself."

these are some interesting life lessons from inukashi we are getting. it makes sense they would have this perspective, considering they grew up with a "family" of dogs. they have always coexisted with each other and supported each other. then they hear shion coming because one of nezumis mice came to him to tell him nezumis in trouble. inukashi is like ok im leaving but im gonna help you guys out now! count me in to your plan! LMAO

shion is concerned about nezumi's wound but nezumi brushes him off. they go home. nezumi thinks about the night he met shion.

he asks shion if he regrets helping him and shion is like obviously not. then nezumi gives him a lecture about rushing in to help him just then but he's really talking about going to the correctional facility without letting shion know that he knows what he's planning to do.

I love shion so much. whenever he calls nezumi an idiot I smile

then we have the LEGENDARY KISS SCENE which is really heartbreaking bc from shion's POV it's a goodbye kiss, since he plans to leave to try and save safu. and nezumi knows that. shion is thinking these could very well be his last words to nezumi and he's trying to put all the feeling he can into them, and into that kiss. he says that if he hadn't met nezumi...

shion goes to bed and nezumi finds himself crying silently for the first time in years. :(

last chapter. shion sneaks out during the night. he regrets that he wasn't able to get everything across to nezumi that he wanted to. there was so much else that he wanted to tell him.

then theres another passage from the pov of the weird evil guy in no. 6 and you find out he wants to rule the city or whatever.

anyway shion is on his way to the correctional facility and no he does not have a plan for when he gets there. but one of the mice has caught up to him and I just realized not all of nezumi's mice are robot mice, the ones that have names are real mice, but this one is a robot though.

the mouse is closely followed by nezumi who tells him it's a GPS robot and aren't you going the wrong way? I thought you were going to inukashi's place to wash dogs?

shion tries to say some mean things to get nezumi off his back but nezumi is not fooled lmao.

nezumi starts beating shion up HSJFNJSDNGJDSGNJDKG he's like this is punishment for lying to me and also insulting me by thinking I would believe your lame bullshit. honestly I forgot how much they were tussling with each other all the time. it's very teenage boy of them, and I think it sums up a lot of their dynamic as people who are striving to be equals with one another.

iconic lines that make me want to cry

nezumi tells him he already knows about safu and that if they work with inukashi and rikiga they can set up a real plan to infiltrate the correctional facility. he says something weird is going on in no. 6 and maybe they can take advantage of it. "Things will work out. We'll make them work out."

shion is like thank you! then he slaps nezumi in the face LMFAOOOO he says this is His punishment for hiding things from shion. he says he doesn't want to be protected by nezumi, that he wants to be equals with him.

safu POV. her thoughts are very disjointed and confused. the evil scientist guy is there and being creepy. she misses shion and thinks about how much she loves him.

back to shion pov. he is taking care of the dogs and stressing about safu. I'm stressing as well.

meanwhile nezumi is meeting with rikiga. he wants him to get information about no. 6 from his customers.

rikiga being weird and nezumi slaying

rikiga tries to get his bodyguard to beat nezumi up because he sucks and thinks nezumi is too mouthy but guess what! the bodyguard is a fan of Eve. he starts fangirling instead. lmfao. rikiga is like well congrats you can also use sex appeal to your advantage. this actually makes me want to die because nezumi is SIXTEEN LEST WE FORGET, HAVING TO INDULGE THESE PERVY OLD DUDES. rikiga says rather than a rat, nezumi is more like a "cunning white demon fox."

rikiga is like fine I will help since it does seem like things are unraveling in no. 6 and I want to help shion

grim thoughts from nezumi about shion. I don't really know what he means here tbh.

next shion, nezumi, rikiga, and inukashi meet up and start sharing information. this little detail is so cute and gentle :(

inukashi has discovered there were no women escorted into the correctional facility recently, so safu can't be there. nezumi says she probably doesn't exist as a normal prisoner and that her existence as a citizen has likely been "erased." shion is like why would they do that... they've invested a lot in raising her. nezumi agrees and says it's weird.

shion refuses to give up hope in saving safu and suggests maybe they get themselves arrested as a way to infiltrate? nezumi suddenly freezes and says there is one way to get in without immediately having their data scanned... "The Hunt."

that's the end of this volume! I'll just add a snippet I liked from asano's author's note.

[auztim69]

Can I hear more about your Fea au🥺🥺🥺/nf

Ok so,,,,, most of this post is just gonna me lore dumping all the world building n lore I've made up over time so yeah,,,,,

Ok first off there r 2 different fea types; natural and reincarnate born. [Using B n Hashley as my examples, this will probably happen again]

The natural borns r pretty easy 2 explain, they're just feas born via sexual reproduction. The reincarnates r where stuff gets kinda silly tho,,, Basically, reincarnate feas can only be born from feas that have died of old age. Once a fea senses that they are nearing the end of their life, they will seek out a secluded area of nature to die in. Once they find an area that suits them, they will find some place to rest peacefully until they've passed on. Once they're completely dead, their skin and tissue will begin to come together, and from their remains another is born. This is the only way a reincarnate fea can be born. Even 2 reincarnate fea reproducing with each other will not result in another true reincarnate born. That hypothetical offspring would probably have similar phenotypic characteristics, like having brighter, more pastel body coloring, but none of the unique abilities that come with being reincarnate. Speaking of which, the 2 types have different abilities and traits. Natural born feas are more grounded in regular biology, while reincarnates r more supernatural. All feas naturally possess the ability 2 shapeshift, but natural feas have a much easier time doing it because they don't have to exhaust nearly as much energy 2 pull it off effectively. Their overall survival rate is also much higher because of this, since, y'know, the reincarnates r all bright neon colors in the fucking 1800's, it makes the naturals WAY less noticeable by comparison. Natural borns r also physically stronger and larger on average. The reincarnates make up for this by being much harder 2 kill. Feas generally can only be seriously injured via 2 methods; fire and weapons made of fea bones. While the natural born can still die of things like blood loss, reincarnates don't have blood, or most major organs; only being injured in these spots can cause them death.

They can also control their limbs fully after they've been cut off completely. Granted, there is a limit 2 how far away it can be before it stops working, and if it's 2 far away 4 2 long the limb essentially dies. Also, after a fea dies their face completely disappears. The shadow goes away, but so does their eye and mouth. It's actually common practice 4 ppl who hunt feas 4 sport 2 keep them alive until they can get a picture or detailed sketch of their face; 2 make a later taxidermy more “accurate.” 

Ok so there is a lot of folklore and mystery surrounds the birth of feas as a species. But the main story in fea myth is abt the “Mother Tree.”[this thing]

The Mother Tree is fabled 2 be the originator of all life on Earth. Basically, she created lil microorganisms n everything was rlly cool n chill, but then after a couple 100 million years life got rlly complex n it got a bit 2 chaotic 4 her so she created the fea 2 keep the ecosystem all balanced n stuff when she couldn't. Fast forward a couple more million years n she dies n her body is petrified into a massive tree somewhere in the world. No one knows where it is, but legends say that whoever may find it gains her knowledge and her power. Or smth idk. 

Ok that's all 4 now, this will probably be updated later at some point maybe,,,,, feel free 2 ask 4 more specific things if u want[tbh I've just kinda been making this whole au up as I go 😭🙏 designs first, lore second type deal sadly 😔]

[lungache]

a present for the much loved @sunriseverse

have some imperfect fem iron triangle cuddles! as a treat!!!

Wu Xie wakes up with a face full of tit. Usually, this would be a delight! Except Wu Xie can't breathe, made all the worse by the fact that Pangzi is half laying on top of her, pressing down her chest with her not-insignificant heft. Whenever she imagined suffocating to death in a tomb, she has to admit, she never expected breasts to be involved... which, when you put it that way, is not a bad way to go.

Not the point. The point is she's asphyxiating.

With no small amount of effort, she manages to shove Pangzi off her enough that she can gulp down air, her poor broken lungs wheezing from the effort. Pangzi doesn't wake up, just shifts away from the pushing, the arm she has thrown over Wu Xie dragging her closer. She can't move but at least she can breathe.

On her other side, she can feel Xiaoge move just the tiniest amount. The sound must have woken her up, but she doesn't turn from where she's laying facing chamber they set up camp in, still monitoring their surroundings, clearly trusting Wu Xie not to die in such a pathetic way. Wu Xie extends an arm, pressing the side of it against the length of Xiaoge's spine, a quiet acknowledgement. She doesn't expect anything in return, so she's surprised when Xiaoge scoots in closer, pressing her back to Wu Xie, letting the curve of it rest in the soft angle of Wu Xie's side. It pins Wu Xie's arm, essentially immobilized. Wu Xie huffs out a laugh. They have her thoroughly trapped. What a perfect place to be.

-

Pangzi's wives are the biggest heat leeches of all time, Pangzi is sure of it. During the winter, they steal all of Pangzi's blankets and sweaters, give her big sad cow eyes until she makes them tea and soup, and glue themselves to her side at any given moment. Even on the coldest days, Pangzi has a nice layer of insulation that keeps her warmer than the others, but more than that she just runs hot naturally. Xiaoge and Wu Xie take full advantage of it throughout the day, but it's the worst at night.

Pangzi is the only one with something approximating a bedtime (she's old, leave her alone) while her partners tend to stay up late, Wu Xie with her books and Xiaoge enjoying time outside or in her various nooks around the property.  Pangzi gets in, laying dead center on the bed on her back, and waits. She doesn't have to wait long, however, because, sure enough, five minutes later she hears them scurrying around in the bathroom and closet. She feels both sides of the blanket lift and the bed dip and Pangzi just sighs and opens her arms, an invitation that is swiftly taken advantage of. They cuddle up on either side of her, pressing their cold skin to hers. Wu Xie tangles her freezing feet with Pangzi's, having not even bothering with socks like a inconsiderate ass she is. Pangzi traps them between her calves to warm them up and Wu Xie wiggles her toes.

Xiaoge is like a heat sink, always nearly unnaturally cold-- sometimes to a degree that worries Pangzi. She shoves her icicle hands against Pangzi, one stuck between Pangzi's back and the mattress, the other up her shirt, tucked under the swell of her breast. Her skin breaks out into goosebumps, freezing, and she groans.

"Menaces, the both of you. Can't you leave your poor wife to rest peacefully for once?"

Despite her complaints, she wraps her arms tight around the both of them, pulling them in close, and lets them steal all the warmth they can stand. They can have it all.

-

It's been a long, exhausting week. It isn't often that Xiaoge goes off on her own since the they're "retired" but sometimes she just needs to get away. She loves her partners deeply but they can also be a lot, so she keeps thinking this will be a solution. But they're hers, and every time she leaves she always finds herself immediately yearning for home.

She gets back in the middle of the night, dusty, tired, and grumpy. her only thought is to drag herself to bed and sleep off the long trip. She kicks out of her boots at the door, already hearing Pangzi's much-loved naggy voice complaining about her tracking her tomb stained footprints around the house. But instead of that frustrating her further she only feels warm. She missed Pangzi, she missed both of them, and the reminder that they are near is enough to lift her spirits, even if just the tiniest bit. The house is silent and dark and something in her settles in the peaceful stillness of her home. (Home, she still thinks with no small amount of wonder, she has a home, now.) She pads through the house in socked feet, making a beeline for the bedroom.

Bundled up under the blankets are the two people she loves most in the world. They're tangled only loosely, Wu Xie having flung herself to the side in her sleep and Pangzi not having pulled her back in like an octopus yet. Xiaoge stares at the space between the two of them with such intense longing. Perhaps... Stripping quickly, she climbs into bed, wiggling and squirming until she is under the blanket, contorting her body so he can fit in the little space without bothering the two of them. It's so warm and perfect. She thinks it couldn't get better than this, being so close. Pangzi proves her wrong.

"Xiaoge'r," she slurs, flopping onto her side, arm flung around Xiaoge, pulling her close against her chest. It's heaven. There is only one way it could be better... and then Pangzi is grabbing Wu Xie by the far shoulder, tugging her so she flops on top over against Xiaoge's other side, in what is technically a spoon but is really just a lean. Despite clearly still being asleep, Wu Xie presses a clumsy kiss to the back of her neck. It's everything she could ever want and more.

[demonslayedher]

I feel like there’s always been a lot of “what-if” questions with KnY, but the biggest one for me is What if Muzan never became a demon? Either by the doctor having successfully curing his illness without demonifying him or if he died early as expected, how would that have changed the course of the character’s history?

HAPPY ENDS FOR EVERYONE BUT KIBUTSUJI MUZAN!!!

--His wives are free from his abuse, the doctor is sad he failed but he goes on to treat many good people, the Ubuyashiki mission-oriented branch of their noble clan doesn't even go on to exist because they just go along their normal merry noble way.

--Tamayo does wind up dying from her illness, but peacefully surrounded by her beloved family. Yushiro later dies, but more pissed off about it.

--Yoriichi and Uta live happily ever after. The Kamados move into an abandoned house down the road and their descendants are fruitful and forever happy neighbors. There was one time when Yoriichi was away looking for a midwife that Uta was almost killed by a wild animal, but a swordsman out there in the quiet of nature practicing his family's flame inspired sword techniques saves her, and he and his family also also become good friends of the Mt. Kumotori simple folk.

--Michikatsu goes on to have an illustrious samurai career and have illustrious descendents. Muichiro and Yuichiro therefore live in the city and go to a fancy private school where they are popular geniuses. It goes to their heads sometimes, though.

--Douma eventually dies an old cult leader without many complaints. Hakuji committed terrible acts, but he was then adopted by a new master, a swordman named Rengoku, who guided him in doing the work to amend his ways. Lots of very angry meditation before Hakuji ever finds enough peace with himself to enjoy gardening and tending koi ponds again.

--Gyutaro and Daki do indeed meet a sad end, but they meet a hypnotist who at least lets them see happy dreams as they die. They get reincarnated into kinder circumstances, albeit Gyutaro always feels a lot of jealousy for people who have things better than him and he'll probably bring about his own downfall again unless Ume steps in and stops him, because she knows he's kinder than that.

--Himejima has a happy family life with his orphans, and remains skin and bones. He eventually had to kick Kaigaku out for causing trouble, though. Himejima cried a lot over having the do that.

--Kaigaku is adopted by an old man who takes him in to train him in... say... electricity. Yes, Jiichan is now the Japanese Nicola Tesla and wants to make Kaigaku into a brilliant scientist. He recruits Zenitsu for the same task and Kaigaku is jealous. Zenitsu gets zapped in the lab.

--Urokodaki was a regular Edo ronin. After the Meiji Restoration, he started an orphanage. Makomo still lives there happily, Sabito has grown up and, uh, joined the military. Because Giyuu is so influenced by his childhood friend he winds up doing the same. Tsutako is happily married.

--Inosuke's out there doing his forest thing but eventually finds himself on the neighboring mountain making friends with the Tsugikuni and Kamado kids. This was after a brief stint being adopted by Himejima, but Himejima was too weak-willed in nicely asking Inosuke to behave, and he was heartbroken with worry when Inosuke wandered off. He saw Inosuke more like a stray cat than a human child.

--The Kochou girls attend a fancy school, Kanae has lots of offers for marriage but Shinobu is disinterested. They came across a girl on a bridge who was getting taken into slavery and brought her home. Aoi, having been sent away from her family home to do domestic work so as to earn money for her family (as was common in the day), works in the Kochou home. Kiyo, Sumi, and Naho happily grow up in their own families and are squeamish at the sight of blood, what with the lack of having to be exposed to it.

--Mitsuri's family takes a vacation out for an island holiday. Mitsuri was hoping for a romantic encounter but finds it odd that there are so many women. While starving herself and she gets dizzy and wanders off and gets hopelessly lost until she encounters a boy with a snake around his shoulders and two different eye colors, in a total separate part of the vacation mansion. He's alarmed that she's so faint and gives her the rich food he didn't have the stomach to touch, she comes back to life and cheerfully thanks him, and then they start chatting, and she's the best thing that's ever come into his sheltered rich boy world, and they have a whirlwind romance which involves her courageously using her strength to beat off his family and free him to join her on the mainland so that they can live happily ever after.

--Uzui and wives become vigilantes. Flamboyant vigilantes. Uzui leans into this personality and the newspaper are always filled with the latest exploits of that mysteriously flamboyant man, taking down corrupt officials and beating up criminals in back alleys. Nezuko is a huge fan and on a long awaited and saved-up for trip to try to meet him, she finds herself in trouble (it's easy to get disoriented in the big city, after all), and Zenitsu comes to her rescue and tazors the perps. It's love at first sight for both of them, and they start a long-distance letter writing relationship. Tanjiro is concerned that this boy Nezuko is writing to might be embellishing things.

--Life's been a lot better for the Shinazugawas since their pops got stabbed. The children have all started earning money once they're old enough, but Sanemi wants them to continue their educations, so he joins the military. He winds up getting in fights with Giyuu and Sabito but eventually they all become friends. Genya eventually tries to join too once the younger kids need less care and looking after, but Sanemi doesn't take kindly to that. Kanae becomes a volunteer nurse in the military and meets them all this way.

--In case it's not clear, the Rengoku family maintains the generations of bonds so Kyojuro and Senjuro and Shinjuro pay regular visit to Mt. Kumotori. Kyojuro teaches Tanjiro kendo.

--One day Tanjiro is strolling around the mountain and he sees mysterious blue spider lilies. "Those are nice," he says, and then no one ever pays a second thought to the flowers ever again.

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

Prompt: “they'll never understand how much i love you.”

For Tolya x Reader please!!



I thought to myself, I can't make this angsty can I? But hey-ho I surprise even myself.

All The Things I'll Never Say - Tolya Yul Bataar

Content Warnings: Pining, So Much Pining And Not Even In My Usual Font. No Proof/Beta Reading, We Just Die I Guess.

He couldn't tell you. He wouldn't tell you. There was no reason to. Besides honesty, and as honest as Tolya likes to believe himself to be, the honesty was outweighed with all the responsibility of his own feelings.

Tolya is a warrior, when it comes down to it, he was raised and made to fight. In another life, in another situation, with other fates and with the grace of Saints he might have been something else. A scholar. A poet. Maybe, even yours.

But Tolya chooses not to linger on all the possibilities of lives unlived. It wasn't his nature to regret who he might have been, when who he was is what brought him to you.

You.

You, who's smile brought light to even the darkest parts of him. You, who he could believe all the poems were written about. You who's words brought comfort and voice feels like home. You, who if he had never known, he doubted he would know himself as well without.

It's easy to love someone. It's a second nature that you never have to learn unless you're taught out of love. Even those taught out of love can recognise it eventually, disguised as other things, like loyalty, or duty. "That's what Zoya sees it as," you had said, watching her with Alina.

"I am unconvinced that woman has a heart," Tolya had stated in response.

"Everyone has a heart, even if it's icy, or buried, everyone is capable of love in some way," you had looked at Zoya with such softness that for a moment Tolya was able to see her as you did, someone who had gotten lost in the time between innocence and now, someone who surely once loved with her entirety, and now didn't know how, "she just needs to be willing to let it in again."

It's easy to love someone. It's especially easy to love someone so willing to love in return. It's easy to love when love is given freely. You smile at him and the love is so freely given. Tolya knows where he was built for defence you were built for welcoming, his guardship against your openness in perfect parallel. You do not let the darkness of the life around you bury the light you bring into it.

He never had to try to love you, loving you was easy, easier than almost anything he had ever experienced before.

But it's easy to love someone, it's not easy to know what to do with that love.

He can't tell you, not in the clear ways that would make everything understood and known. His love for you isn't complicated, it is the most simple thing in his life. But this life, is complicated. And things pure and honest and hopeful need space to breathe and grow and where you brought light wherever you go, you needed to do more of that.

Tolya knows if he told you, if you knew, you would not care about the war and the loyalties and duty Tolya upholds, you would not care about the fealty and the obligation. You would go where Tolya goes, you would follow him because there is no place he could go where you would not rather be with him.

He doesn't doubt even for a moment how easily you would love him in return, just like you already do, quietly, peacefully, carefully.

He doesn't doubt that there is no darkness that could overcloud the light you bring, and yet he doesn't want that for you.

He wants you to be free and not fighting, he wants you safe and seen and always with a reason to smile that smile you do when you see him across the grass in the early morning.

Eventually Tolya has to leave, and he cannot be the reason this place loses you, he cannot take you away because it will hurt him to be without you.

It's easy to love you, it's near impossible to not want that love in return.

It's easy to love you, but it's hard to know that loving you, truly loving you, means he has to be willing to let you go, and the only way he can do that, the only way you can let him, is if he doesn't tell you all the things that he wants to every time you look at him.

He cannot tell you that you have made his life inconceivably better from the moment you entered it, and every time he has heard you laughter it has filled him with love worth a life time. He cannot explain how he is eager for the sound of your voice, and hungry for your company that no amount of time will ever satiate.

He cannot tell you that he will not miss you when he leaves, but he will instead leave a part of him with you that you can never return to him without staying at his side perennially.

He has never wanted words of his own more than now, knowing that no poet he knows can give you the sentiments you need, nothing can make you understand without asking you to be beside him, to stay beside him and he wants to ask you to do that. But he knows better.

It's easy to love you, it's nearly impossible to leave you.

His name in your voice carried through the distance between you brings him back to the moment, you wave him over as you sit with more people Tolya had met but never really known before you. He is slow to follow your request, as each step that brings him closer to you makes it harder for him to take the steps away again.

Nadia gives you a smile as she leans in to your side, whispering words only you can hear. You shake them off with a chuckle and Tamar throws her brother a knowing look, but Tolya cannot help but think how little she knows at all in this moment.

“They'll never understand how much I love you.” His minds whispers like a betrayal he could not run from.

"Tolya," you say again, as he nears. You pat the space next to you, eager to have him by your side. You know he is leaving, and you're waiting for him to tell you, you're hoping he will find the words to say that will make it feel less like a desertion. You try not to take the idea of him leaving with the heaviness of the idea of being forsworn but it's hard when no one has made you feel as seen as Tolya, and you always knew he would leave, but a part of you hoped, quietly, privately, even naively that he would want you to go with him. The hope was guileless but it was honest, it was real. You were not holding it against Tolya that he had not said a word, you expected nothing in return for all you were to him, because love has never been about what you get in return, you knew that. But this large part of you was calling to him, not asking him to stay, because you knew he would not, but begging him to ask you not to stay.

"Where'd you go?" you ask. His eyes look into yours and you feel the pressure in your chest rise as you want to ask him, you want to know all the things he hasn't said. But you don't. And you won't. "It was like we lost you for a second."

"You'll always find me again," Tolya replies and takes one of the bread rolls from your hand. "I'll never go too far."

[lexa-griffins]

Can u give us a bit of Clarke and Niylah backstory?. How they met/wedding details/finding out they about to have a baby together?

Clarke and Niylah met at work. Clarke's just started as an actual paid graphic designer (after 2 years of unpaid intership) and Niylah is her bosses secretary. Joking iver the water cooler, lunches together and hangs out after work quickly become a thing.

They were friends for a while, always very touchy type of friends. Clarke was pretty oblivious to shit, focusing on her career it really didn't hit her how hard Niylah was flirting with her until one day they go out for drinks and Niylah basically has to grab her face and tell her she likes her, like christ woman she could /not/ be more obvious!!

They fall into a relationship pretty naturally after that. They enjoy that time a lot, sex and traveling, and enjoying being with each other. If there's anyone that makes Clarke fully accept herself is Niylah, that woman loved Clarke fully. And so did Clarke. Niylah was her best friend.

Clarke proposes at a family function. She asked Niylah's dad even if Niylah found it to be old fashioned, Clarke knows how Niylah was the light or her dad's eye and wanted to be sure he and her mom were involved. Niylah cries so much when she proposes Clarke has to carry her to the couch to take a breath, although kissing Clarke between cries is harder.

They are married at 29. An intimate wedding because Niylah is all about family and friends, and Clarke will do just about anything she asks for, even if her family isn't that close and Niylah's makes up the majority of guests. They honeymoon in Paris and end up not seeing half of the city because they can't part with each other for more than a while, spending a good chunk of it naked in bed, drinking wine and eating and fucking.

They start trying for a baby pretty much from day one. Niylah knows she has health issues, but she wasn't aware of just how much they would affect her fertility. For around five years, they try constantly. After an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage so early, they weren't even aware they were pregnant, they find out Niylah's pregnant with Madi. Its love from day one when they see that little dot on the screen. Clarke cries when they hear the heartbeat for the first time and Niylah will make sure her bump is constantly on display. Theyre so excited about the baby. And then the doctor tells them that the pregnancy can be a massive risk for Niylah, that there's a chance she could die giving birth and that if they want, they can terminate.

Clarke wants to give it a thought, she considers it because as much as she loves this baby, Niylah is here and they aren't and she can't risk Niylah's life but Niylah refuses to terminate. There are a lot of angry tears and sad tears until Clarke relents, although she spends the rest of the pregnancy terrified that any day now she'll have a baby on her arms and her wife will be gone.

By some miracle, Niylah makes it. They do a c-section to raise Niylah's chances and it works. They are oh so happy. Seeing her wife and their perfect little baby makes Clarke so so happy. But Niylah is getting worse, there's no denying it. She gets tired faster, her appetite is low, and she saves any energy for Madi.

Niylah passes away peacefully, at least. She's in hospice, and there is no denying it she's going to die. It's after a good day. She colored with Madi and managed to walk around for a bit. Clarke brought her to the back porch so they could cuddle and watch the stars, even when Niylah was all bundled up despite being mid-August.

She goes to sleep in Clarke's arms. And she doesn't wake up. And Clarke knows it before she even opens her eyes.

[honestlyboringperson]

Name: Alora Tremblay

Age: 14

Wish: “Cure my insomnia please.”

Ability: To make people fall asleep instantly

Weapon: Shepard’s Crook, Sheep Shaped Bombs

Likes: Hand Warmers, Tangerines

Dislikes: Witch Hunting, Cheese

Element: Forest

Magia: Slumbering Signal

Teammates: Yuriko, Candice, Agnes, Ariadne

Skill Level: Intermediate

Witch/Doppel: Rebecca

A timid and cowardly girl with a stalwart wish to stay alive. She despises witch hunting as it puts her life in danger, and instead ops to steal and pilfer grief seeds from other magical girls. She almost never sleeps as she is too paranoid about witches and familiars.

BACKSTORY

A girl who was inflicted with horrible insomnia. She couldn’t sleep for the life her, and was constantly tired. She would spend the night lying awake, watching the clock tick by.

When Kyubey approached her, she of course wished to cure her insomnia, finally letting her sleep peacefully for the first time in a long time.

She however, was cowardly and struggled with witch fighting, scared that she will die in battle. She would team up with magical girls only to abandon them when they were losing or steal their grief seeds to stay alive.

Then she discovered the truth of the witches.

She began to spiral into paranoia, and began to not sleep as she became overly paranoid about a witch attacking her in her sleep, and began to hallucinate, causing her to spiral even deeper.

She saw her witch transformation as something demonic in nature, and began to go into several methods in order to stave off her witch transformations such as cults or alternate medicines, and was clearly not in her right state of mind from her sleep deprivation.

This fear of becoming a witch only sped up the process, and she became a witch from her fear and sleep deprivation

Doppel Description

“No, no, no, NO!”

The doppel of insomnia. It takes the form of a sheep. Even though the master of this emotion wished to sleep, her own paranoia and cowardly nature prevents her from ever actually sleeping. The doppel likewise, barely moves from fear and never closes all of it’s eyes from the fear of witches and other doppels. It simply stands there shaking and looking around it for any threat. When presented with one, the doppel goes on a rampage plowing down anything in its way to get away from the threat. If one were to sleep on it’s wooly body, one will be inflicted with the same paranoia and fear the doppel possesses.

[duchessofvastergotland]

Prince Daniel's incredible speech upon collecting his Honorary Doctorate from the Karolinska Institute, 29th April 2022

"Ladies and gentlemen, what an honour to be here this evening, together with such brilliant and inspiring people! I am especially honoured to attend this ceremony together with my two fellow honorary doctors Doctor Swaminathan and Professor Takeda, who have both made such outstanding contributions in fostering international partnerships and collaboration in their respective fields. I believe I speak for the three of us honorary doctors when I say that today’s ceremony will be a lifetime memory!

But now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to leave this beautiful Golden Hall for a moment, and come with me to a maternity ward here in Stockholm. This evening, two babies are born there. Sophie and David. Their parents love them very much and hold great hopes for their children.

However – while they are born in the same place, very soon, their lives will develop in completely different directions. Sophie’s parents are both well-educated with high incomes. They are health-conscious, eat well and exercise regularly. Sophie will grow up in a safe area, with easy access to nature and sports. She will join her parents on outdoors activities and ride her bike to school. At seven, she goes to two different sports activities per week. She skis in the winter and goes to soccer camp in the summer.

David will grow up in another area in Stockholm, only a few miles from Sophie’s home, but under different circumstances. His single mother works full-time and struggles to make ends meet. Paying thousands of crowns per year for material and fees for sports activities is not an option. Most of his free time, David sits at home in front of different screens. His mother feels bad that her son does not get the exercise she knows he needs. However, when he is home, at least she knows he is safe.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think you can see where this story is going: The lives of these two children will continue to develop in two very different directions. At the age of 90, Sophie will pass away peacefully after a long and healthy life. David, on the other hand, will be diagnosed with diabetes type 2 at 50, and die from cardiovascular disease at 74.

Six years is the difference in life expectancy between the highly educated and the less educated in Sweden today. Depending on where you grow up, the differences are even greater – like for Sophie and David. Six years is more than 2000 days. And I find it unacceptable that some lives should hold so many fewer days than others.

This is the reason I chose to engage with children’s and young people’s health. And this is also why I am standing here now. Being appointed honorary doctor at the renowned Karolinska Institute is a great honour. But above all, I see it as a recognition of all the people who are seldom recognised, but who devote their time and energy to helping children and young people establish healthy habits early in life.

Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot even begin to imagine how many lives will have been saved by Doctor Swaminathan’s work to bring covid vaccine to low and middle-income countries. Or, by Professor Takeda’s efforts in developing and implementing ECMO therapy.

And I am convinced, that if we can give every child a fair chance to live a healthy life, regardless of social or economic background, if we can prevent lifestyle-related disease, even more lives can and will be saved. This is something we have to do – and we have to do it using evidence-based methods. In this effort, the research conducted here at Karolinska Institutet plays a crucial role.

I would like to give my sincere thanks to the students, the researchers, the staff and the management of Karolinska Institutet.

And, as a spokeperson for us, this year’s honorary doctors, it is my privilege to propose a toast: to science, to knowledge and to the medical university Karolinska Institute."

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

* 

“When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. 

GILES: I believe that's called growing up. 

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant. 

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear. 

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live. 

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

[aerialflight]

Fic Rec (it's been too long and I read a whole lot of fics)

I've read so many fics these past couple of months and my need to share them to the world has seized me by the throat. Please enjoy and support these fanfic writers! They are the best. XD

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[Naruto]

Nine-Tailed Foxes are Dead by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Shikamaru/Naruto

For Konoha, it's been one month since the preliminary Chunin exams. For Naruto, it's been six. And he wasn't in Konoha.

At the end of his ordeal, Naruto walks into the Chunin Exam finals without his left arm.

Shikamaru is very concerned. And, eventually, very precious to Naruto as they work together to solve the mysteries of Konoha and bring kindness to the Shinobi world, one adventure at a time.

(I would die for this fic. I know the summary sounds doom and gloom but IT'S NOT. This fic made me fucking cry, I don't think I've ever read a fic that characterized Naruto so right. He's so full of hope and love and develops into the best version of himself and I'm so HERE FOR IT. And it's not just Naruto, Shikamaru is absolutely amazing here along with Kakashi and surprise surprise Ino, I can't BELIEVE it took me this long to stumble across this fic. Also THE WORLDBUILDING IS TO DIE FOR!!! And the plot! Is! So! Interesting! Just, everything about this fic is just amazing so please PLEASE read this!!!)

The End of the Uchiha by RowlettLesbian

Ship: Naruto/Sasuke

“I promise, little electric spirit of this shrine,” he whispered into the soft dirt and fallen leaves, “I will never gain the eyes. I will never pass them on. And I will make sure the eyes end in my brother, so that they can’t hurt anybody anymore. I will be the last Uchiha, and see to the end of the Copy-Wheel Clan. Then all of the hatred here can stop, and my family can rest peacefully. I promise, little shrine.”

Sasuke is more than his brother thinks he is. He's more than any Uchiha has ever been. He will kill his brother, but it will not be vengeance.

It will be mercy.

(Same author as the one above, they are the gift that keeps on giving. Seriously, HOW did I NEVER FIND THESE FICS before now??? One of life's greatest mysteries. The author's sense of humor is so on point here along with the atmospheric writing that's so vivid in the mind. Their writing style is so recognizable to me now and makes me fall into the world they're creating, it's stunning. Sasuke here makes me want to hug him and the idea of him living like a feral ghibli character has me LIVING. Check the tags of the fic, all of it is true, hand to god. Please give all of the author's fics a shot, it's a rabbit hole I'm thankful I fell into!)

mil fantasmas (gritan en calma) by LegaciesandMemories

Post-Tsukuyomi, something in Uchiha Sasuke's mind shatters. The same night, Yamanaka Ino falls asleep and doesn't wake up for 15 days.

---

In which Ino and Sasuke both wake from the aftermath of the Uchiha Massacre with the ability to see ghosts, and no one is prepared for the fallout.

(This fic has arrested my curiosity and eagerness to know what will happen next. These poor kids need so many hugs and Ino is getting the spotlight she deserves. I am so excited for this fic and what it has in store! Please read! XD)

Lichtenberg Figures by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Name: Kakashi Hatake Rank: Jounin Status: Missing Nin Missing Since: June 15th, 271 AD Note: Flee on Sight . . . Haburashi looked his team in the eyes— three, fresh out of the Academy genin— and resolved to teach them as best as he could. And right now, his lesson was simple: “Stay. Away. From. Kakashi. Hatake.”

(Dimension travel fic with a slice of Kakashi being an absolute troll and dealing with the shitty hand he's been dealt with. Seriously, the man has the worst luck in all of Konoha. Also, the mystery of the other Kakashi's history has me leaning by the edge of my seat, I need to know.)

The Governess by Ysmirel

Ship: Kakashi/OFC

"“What,” he finally asked, “is so funny?”

Ibara bit her lower lip to keep the chuckles in, still smiling and making absolutely no effort to get more space between them, seemingly perfectly at ease within reach of a trained shinobi. Her self-control wasn't all that good, as she ended up snorting and was overcame once again by another fit of laughter. “I just- It's just-” She struggled to speak, trying to catch her breath and wiping away tears of mirth with the hand that wasn't still holding onto his vest. Finally, she looked him in the eye and said, with a smile that was all teeth and without a hint of her previous drunken stupor, “and who's going to believe you?”

As he stood there, stunned by her words and change in demeanor, he realized with dawning horror that she was right."

In which Kakashi finds himself at the other end of the troll shtick, and he doesn't appreciate it all that much.

(It's so hard to find self-insert fics with a fresh concept these days, especially in the naruto fandom. Not that I don't enjoy and devour a lot of self insert fics like it's going out of style, but it's just so nice to find something new and shiny and really damn good. I'm so pumped for this fic and how it's going to develop so please join me in rooting for this fic!)

half a league (until the valley of death) by SpectersShadow117

Kakashi can think of no reason for Sasuke's inexplicable and drastic change in behavior. He doesn't like the desperate, haunted gleam in his student's eyes, and he also doesn't like the nagging feeling that he's missing something very important. Aka: Future Sasuke goes to Past Sasuke and gives him a reality check with Specific Intentions, but as with most Uchiha, his methods leave much to be desired. (Featuring: Childhood trauma FTW, Konoha's shitty care of orphans, and absolutely no one having a fun time.)

(Sasuke wanting to change the future out of complete and utter spite has me LIVING. Sasuke is such a Mess here and the twist on the time travel premise is so good and the kid is so Traumatized and Desperate and Not Having A Good Time. Naruto and Sakura developing as better ninjas and Kakashi trying his best makes me want to scream. Also, how Sasuke thinks about Itachi makes me want to cackle. I am 100% down for this. I am rooting for this kid, go get them! XD)

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[Harry Potter]

fruit loops in time (circle around me) by justprompts

Ships: Harry/Draco, Remus/Sirius

"This is Crabbe, and Goyle," the blonde boy says, pointing at the two boys next to him. "And I'm Malfoy, Draco Ma - "

Ron laughs, and Malfoy immediately bristles.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" Malfoy says, angrily. "No need to ask yours - "

"You're honestly so cute," Ron interrupts, yet again, shaking his head. "So tiny. And so angry, all the time. It's adorable."

Alternatively Ron Weasley, Time Traveller Extraordinaire, is stuck in the same seven year Hogwarts Loop, repeating the same thing over and over again. Naturally, he's so done with everything.

(This is the greatest hp fic I've ever read. I LOVE RON WEASLEY and by the time you read this fic SO WILL YOU!! This is the fic I WISH I have the ability to write. I read this entire fic aloud to my brother and we spent literal hours howling and talking about how utterly insane and incredible this fic is, it's amazing. This is hands down my favorite Ron Weasley. You Can Pry This Fic From My Cold Dead Fingers.)

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[Boku no Hero Academia]

Kacchan's Cult by Ourliazo

Pro Hero Ground Zero is attacked, originally meant to be de-aged out of existence by a desperate villain but is instead launched into his 14-year-old self.

But Katsuki is a fucking pro so whatever, time to fuck up someone's day. And sure, maybe he's only one man, but that's why he conscripts the entirety of the UA student body into tearing down some criminal empires.

(It's time travel, crack, and Bakugou being his usual explody, competent self. What more in life do you want? Seriously though, please read. I'm obsessed with this fic and having a Good Time!)

Cleaning Crew; Teaching Kids to Value their Safety, for Fun and Profit by Reavv

Takenaka Hideo is a thirty-two year old, in mild desperation for money, who has just been hired as a new janitor for UA's support staff. He has a quirk that lets him find lost objects, a liaison with the police because of it, and desperate desire for competent co-workers.

Oh, and he's already lived a previous life, in a world where quirks and heroes didn't even exist.

Not a big deal, though. It's not like you ever see the janitor playing a big part in action movies. He's here to get paid, and that's it.

On the opposite side of the equation, class 1-A has to wonder at the new UA cryptid that always seems to show up when things are on fire, and who keeps trying to convince them to let the adults handle the fire extinguisher.

(A great deal of fun packed into one fic. That is how I title this fic and nothing will change my mind! Hideo just wants to quietly do his job and not get in the way. I Relate. Please read!)

Poltergeist by WriterGreenReads

Class 1-A is haunted.

Well, not really.

I AM dead, though.

World's friendliest poltergeist, at your service.

(I don't know how I got so sucked into OC fics, but I found some fantastic fics along the way so I have no regrets. The author really tries to push the premise and I just love all the interactions and dynamics that form as the fic gets further in. And the OC character and all the hijinks they get up to cracks me up! At the same time, it's pretty heartwarming and it's practically a friendships galore fic! Definitely recommend it!)

invincible by supercrunch for Engrin

Ship: Bakugou/Midoriya

This is the way the world works: the sun rises in the east. The strong come out on top. Bakugou Katsuki rockets through life like a comet and Midoriya Izuku stumbles after. If he believed in such things Katsuki would say it was written in the stars. That some god of war had looked at him and said this one. That he’d been passed along a line to get his blessings – genius, willpower, fearless ambition – and dropped off on earth.

Then, of course, there is the question of Deku. The spitfire runt. Deku, no matter what the world does to him, never stops hoping.

Until, of course, he eventually does.

(Katsuki broke him. Snapped him in half like a twig and now has to scramble to put Deku back together. “We can do this, Deku," he says slowly. "There are so many mysteries that never got put to bed. Criminals roaming around looking to hurt people and you and me, we can fix that.”

There’s a long pause. The comforter slips a little off Deku’s skinny shoulders and drowns him. “You mean like a team?”

In that split second, Katsuki makes a decision he’s never even considered. He swallows his pride. “Yeah, Deku. We’d be a team.”)

(If there was any other way canon could've gone, this is the story I would've wanted. It's perfect.)

Inadvertent Wilderness Therapy by Cacid

Following an unfortunate encounter with a teleporter on the last day of internships, Bakugou Katsuki and Hakamata Tsunagu spend some quality time in northern Canada.

In no particular order they will: build ugly survival shelters, stalk rabbits, run from polar bears, reflect on the chemical composition of trees, insult each other, and complain about krumholtz.

(THESE TWO. TOGETHER. IN THE WILDERNESS. IN FUCKING CANADA OF ALL PLACES. I still can't believe this fic actually exists and just how INVESTED I became in their relationship. Blue Jeanist instantly became my favorite ranked hero with this fic alone. HIS SENSE OF HUMOR IS TERRIBLE, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FNIEWOPAF. BAKUGOU DOES TOO. IT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE. *incoherent screeching into the wild*)

-

[Stranger Things]

Baci D'aria by RabbitDarling

“Love is worth the sum of itself, and nothing more.” ― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

Steve learned a lot at his Aunt's side before she passed but his favourite thing she taught him was baci d'aria; special little spells that you created from the heart and put into the food you shared.

In opening his heart and gifts to those around him Steve slowly finds himself a family in a way he never thought he'd get to experience. One by One he collects pre-teens to trail in his wake like ducklings and Steve can't even refute it by the time he realizes what has happened.

(This fic is so soft and Steve is just collecting people and winning them over with his magical food (literally). I am always a sucker for heartwarming, good for the soul fics so if you want to make yourself hungry and feel all warm and gooey inside, read this!)

(Don't Fear) The Reaper by TeaFourTwo

Ship: Steve/Billy

He looks down at the blood on his hands and on the floor and wonders why the memory hasn’t broken yet, why he isn’t back in Starcourt mall with control of his body again, wonders if he's even still alive at all. Is this hell then? Or perhaps purgatory? It certainly isn’t heaven, that’s for sure. None of this makes any sense…but then what's new—nothing in Billy’s life makes sense anymore.

Billy laughs then, loud and long and unhinged. It's the only sound in the whole house, and it bounces off the walls like a fucked up echo, like the world is laughing with him.

“Jesus christ you’re insane…” It’s Max’s voice and it’s shaking. It only makes Billy laugh harder, because Max has it all wrong. Billy isn’t crazy, it’s the rest of the world that’s insane.

--

Billy dies a hero of sorts. He wakes up back in his bed on Saturday morning, the third of November, 1984...nearly nine months earlier.

(Billy is stuck in a time loop and it's slowly driving him crazy. And the fic shows just how much influence Billy did have in the plot and how doomed the world is without him in it. Great character exploration with Billy's character and all the ways he's so messy and human. Definitely recommend it!)

-

[Knives Out]

The Road Less Traveled By by UisceOneLove

Ship: Marta/Ransom

If Harlan wants to leave Ransom to be on his own, fine. He'll show him just what Ransom Drysdale is capable of.

or, where Ransom chooses to prove his abilities through means of the non-homicidal variety and finds himself becoming exactly what Harlan was hoping he would.

(I found this fic out of sheer chance and god, Ransom is just, so fascinating to me as a character. Marta of course is the Best here and I will forever stan her. Seriously, this is such a good fic! Please read!)

-

[Haikyuu!!]

Sky Full of Stars by grilledsquids

The Hinatas are twins. They're practically identical.

But while Shouyou seeks out Karasuno's volleyball team to become the next Little Giant, Natsu is scouted to to play soccer for Shiratorizawa. While Shouyou sets his eyes on playing volleyball at the highest level possible, his sister wonders how much longer she can play soccer... and if it's worth it to keep going.

A Natsu-centric story featuring: Shiratorizawa VBC shenanigans, too many soccer OCs, mild teenage drama, a little bit of plot, and Semi Eita not knowing what a period is.

(It's just!! So cute and wholesome!!! The Shiratorizawa volleyball team is so fleshed out along with the OC characters for the girl's soccer team and I swear, it's been a long while since I've laughed this much at the sheer shenanigans that happen in a fic. It's surprisingly hard to find good gen fics in this fandom so finding this gem made me so happy! If you want a fic that brings a smile to your face, read this!!)

like water by speakingincode

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi says, and when Tooru looks at him, he can read My best friend’s an idiot off the crease of his eyebrows. “Are you telling me you spent the last three years weirdly obsessed with Kageyama – I still remember the time you made us play him on a dumb whim, you know – and now you’re at his beck and call? Are you okay? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m— I’m not at his beck and call! I said no last week. It’s… It’s like you said. I get bored easily. I saw him at the park a couple weeks after they played Nationals and called him a perfect little tyrant, and he pestered me into spending time with him after,” Tooru says. “I’m not a monster, Iwa-chan. If he wants the company of his cool, handsome ex-upperclassman that badly, who am I to begrudge him?”

Or: Oikawa doesn't know why Kageyama keeps asking to meet him on Saturdays. He also doesn't know why he keeps saying yes.

(The fact this fic is canon-compliant and covers post-canon too makes me want to shout to the heavens. Fucking incredible! One of the best Oikakage fics ever and it's a crime how it's not at the top of the ship tag. Please please read!!)

twist into your shape by kakkoweeb

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

The only thing better than sweets were sweets containing paper that told you whether your future would be good or bad--or in Kageyama and Oikawa's case, paper that somehow caused you to live inside each other's bodies.

(Everyone probably already read this fic but it needs to be said, you need to read this fic. How these two try and manage each other's lives and slowly start to care about one another is so beautiful and sincere and I am ready to wrestle anyone to the floor and comply them into reading this fic. Doesn't matter if you like the ship, you will become a fan if you read it, I promise. Please please read!!)

Take the Long Road Home by pepperfield

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

When Azumane Asahi goes missing before his engagement meeting with Kozume Kenma, what other option is there but for Daichi to impersonate his brother and fake his way through a first date with Asahi's fiance?

Okay, let's be realistic - there were probably at least four other options.

Unfortunately, Tetsurou couldn't come up with any of them either, so now he's here flirting with Kenma's future husband while trying to keep his web of deceit from collapsing.

It's going to be an eventful day.

(I got obsessed with this ship alongside Oikakage and SO WILL YOU. THE POTENTIAL. THE BANTER. THE FACT THEY'RE BOTH DORKS AND THE FIC HAS IDENTITY SHENANIGANS DANCING ALL OVER IT!! I had so much fun reading this and these two are MEANT TO BE FENIWPAF. If you don't see the potential of this ship, you will now.)

a misunderstanding a day keeps the boyfriend away by bartallen for betuls

Ship: Kuroo/Sawamura

Kuroo doesn’t fall in love hard and fast like many others do – he falls slowly, and very very softly. Most of the times he doesn’t even realise he’s in love with someone until it’s too late.

(Kuroo is the dumbest man alive and I've never related to someone so hard in my life. God help me.)

You like me. by roseknight

Ship: Daishou/Kuroo

Kuroo nearly lived a Daishou-free life, and sometimes he looked back and wondered how much better and how much worse that would've been.

(I didn't even know who Daishou was until I read this fic and now I can't unsee the potential this ship has. I'm a ruined woman and I regret NOTHING.)

Kings of the Road, Kings of the Universe by EzzyDean

Eight magical captains, one bus, an entire summer (and country) waiting for them.

What could possibly go wrong?

(The magic of friendship meets the magic of a summer road trip meets pure magic.)

(CAPTAIN SQUAD IS THE BEST SQUAD SOMEBODY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND ME SOME CAPTAIN SQUAD FICS I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SQUAD IT'S A PROBLEM AAAAHHHHHH!)

宿縁 : See You Soon by MissKiraBlue

Ship: Oikawa/Kageyama

Upon arriving at the train station of death, an impure soul is granted a second chance at life against his will. Reincarnating into the body of Kageyama Tobio, a 15-year-old boy who recently committed suicide. Tobio's soul will depart at death and the soul needs to slip in to replace it. If the soul's reformation succeeds, he’ll reenter the cycle of rebirth and regain the right to be reborn. He will have three months to accomplish this task.

“Even though you had enough of life,” the soul whispered into the void of the room, “you were still afraid to hurt your hands, Tobio.”

Afraid of giving himself a scar, if he survived.

He touched his pulse and grasped life and couldn’t help but pity Kageyama Tobio.

"You wanted to die and now I’m here making you live again," he whispered into the night.

(I'm not even exaggerating when I say out of all the fics in this entire goddamn, too long list, this is the fic I'm anticipating and heart eyeing the most. It's only starting, but I already cried on chapter fucking 2, the power of this fic, holy shit. The author also wrote the hq time loop Every Tomorrows series, which I have an undying love for and am full on praying for the day it updates, so you KNOW this fic will be just as good. (Anybody who hasn't read this series, where the hell have you been?? Read it!!) Just, everything about this fic hurts me and something in my chest just aches when I read this fic. Go into it blind with an open heart and I swear to you, it's going to change your life. I'm already calling it. Seriously though, please please read!)

-

[Crossover]

Learning to Fly by Asteroid_Duck (JustThatOneGirl1815)

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, Naruto

The number three hero is a walking (well, flying) contradiction in every sense of the word. This includes his teaching skills. Why had Tokoyami agreed to this internship again? Oh right. He’d thought he was actually going to learn something. …….remind him to never be so optimistic again. . . . OR, Kakashi Hatake is reincarnated as the pro hero, Hawks. Tokoyami Fumikage suffers as a result.

(The reincarnation fic I never thought I needed and it's so good!! I've never really paid attention to Tokoyami and this fic sent me headfirst into loving him. Their dynamic is so interesting and I just love how their relationship develops. Also, Kakashi trolling the poor kid made me cackle, it's great! Definitely recommend it!)

Si Vis Pacem by athenoot

Fandoms: Boku no Hero Academia, John Wick

Everything has a price. That's what John has always known and will forever remember, even in death.

Which is pretty ironic considering his current circumstance.

Instead of a grown, scarred, weary body belonging to a man as cruel and broken as him, he's inhabiting a younger, smaller, unblemished one belonging to a child with strangely colored hair, and is living in what seems to be a superhuman society.

Well. May it never be said that John isn't a strategist. He can live with this. Maybe.

(Somewhere out there in the universe, he's certain he could hear the laughter of his enemies from beyond the grave.)

-

Or: John Wick is reincarnated as Midoriya Izuku. The world should probably watch its back.

(This should be one of the crackiest fics I've read in a while, but it's taken so seriously and I'm so HERE FOR THIS. John Wick being John Wick in a world of quirks and heroes is the GREATEST, honestly, he's so badass. Bakugou, I feel for you, you must be so fucking confused lol. Bakugou trying his best to be a good friend is one of the best things about this fic. Trust me, this fic will make your day, promise!)

A Girl's Mind is a Dangerous Place by clenastia

Fandoms: Naruto, Fairy Tail

Natsu wakes up in Sakura's body. It only gets worse from there. Also known as: In Which Natsu has No Idea what to do with Boobs.

(I binged this in two fucking days, I couldn't put it down. This fic reminded me why I liked fairy tail when I was younger and why Natsu is honestly such a great protagonist, god. And the fic does that thing, you know, the Thing where when two worlds collide, the characters struggle to acclimate and adapt to a completely another world with different rules and mindsets against their own. This fic is seriously one of the best when it comes to that aspect, it's incredible. I am going absolutely feral over here for this fic to update, I'm waiting in the wings, ready to pounce like a tiger, all the metaphors man. For the love of god, read this fic.)

Give me a landscape made of obstacles by Melise

Fandoms: Naruto, Natsume's Book of Friends

Kakashi Hatake isn’t who he says he is.

Because the truth is that he’s actually a youkai in disguise, a wolf spirit named Madara who stumbled across the Hatake clan during the Warring States Period. Intrigued by the shinobi he saw, he’d proposed a temporary alliance in which he would offer the clan protection in exchange for their teachings.

Decades later, Madara is surprised to find himself inadvertently summoned to Konoha by the last living member of the Hatake clan. Sakumo Hatake, who is mourning the recent deaths of his wife and stillborn child, doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So with his permission, Madara takes the place of Sakumo’s deceased son in order to watch over the last Hatake.

(Fusion in which the youkai of Natsume’s Book of Friends all exist in the Naruto world. No knowledge of Natsume’s Book of Friends required).

(Before this fic, I only had a very vague idea of what Natsume's Book of Friends was, and honestly, I still don't know much about it. But I didn't really need to know to get into this fic. I love the worldbuilding and the relationships Kakashi forms, both supernatural and mortal. I love how Kakashi's inhumane ways affect others around him, whether to stress them out or become used to the strange. You can go straight into this fic without knowing anything and absolutely still have a fantastic time. I definitely recommend this so please read!)

[youarejesting]

Wash Out.21 (Sope Special)

[Master List]

Banners: @purpleskies1999 Pairings: Dolphintrainer!Taehyung x SharkDiver!Jin,  Mer!Jimin x Reader, Scientist!Namjoon x MerKing!Jungkook, Mer!Yoongi x Mer!Hoseok. Rating: 16+ Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy, Drama, Fantasy, little bit of Action, Slice of life, Enemies2Lovers, Friends2lovers, Social media au, Fake Texts, Fake Subs.

Summary: Taehyung and his best friend Y/N are Dolphin trainers at Wash Out; Marine Wildlife and Theme Park. When the nerdy marine biologist and resident veterinarian Doctor Kim Namjoon goes missing; the two friends form a ragtag team with Taehyung’s rival Seokjin and a…. Fish?

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Yoongi stood still, his legs shaking. It was not normal for him to be standing for this length of time. They were mermaids used to having tails their strength in the water. Swimming was like breathing. Of course their legs only appeared on their sacred land under the ocean.

They couldn’t walk on human land, could never compare to their leg strength. Most Mermaids spent their days in the water only entering the sacred land for celebrations. Yoongi being one of many guards would protect the royal family, albeit there was no longer a royal family. Jungkook was all that was left, a prince forced to be a king before he was ready. 

Guards were the most common of the merfolk to adorn legs. Jungkook was confined to the sacred land, his time in the water limited. Anything to keep him safe from the threat of other merclans. Each guard embellished in the silk of the clams. Byssus was woven finely like silk, the light material was surprisingly warm enough to protect the guards and King whilst in their more vulnerable form.

Yoongi looked across the crystal throne room, the love of his life standing just as tall, his stature stronger than Yoongi’s. A feat as Jungkook tore the room apart, bioluminescent vines and lanterns ripped from the walls. Food and wine splattered on the floor of their ancestors.

Hoseok’s mouth turned down, the sight unnatural for his usually cheerful disposition. The hardest part of their job was raising Jungkook, it seemed no matter how hard they tried to teach him right and wrong, politics and history they still came up short. He didn’t have a family, not anymore, he didn’t know how to share and never had to work for relationships. 

Everyone adored him, feared him, doted on his every whim. He was given the finest foods and all the newest technology Merfolk could offer. Anything to keep him content in his prison. It surprised Yoongi that Jungkook hadn’t questioned his confines, that he was complacent with their level of control over his freedom.

Jungkook no longer understanding, why his new found friend was so reluctant to stay. He extended all his riches and gifts to the human, something other merfolk would cherish. 

“Why does he still want to leave, with me he could be treated as a king,” Jungkook seethed, throwing a leg over the arm of his throne massaging his temples. “Leave me.”

Hoseok marched dutifully to Yoongi, supporting the older merman as they made their exit. Walking him to the entrance of the underwater cove, the air though damp enough to keep their lungs from feeling dry, they much preferred sinking into the cool water. Doing so allowed the power of the sacred land to slip away leaving only their natural form. 

The two transformed their black and blue tails wrapping around each other, a romantic gesture Yoongi enjoyed more than he wished to admit. They relaxed in eachothers arms peacefully, sinking further until they landed on the floor of the large network of caves. This is where most of the merfolk lived as they were still protected from the open ocean.

Under the cove was wide and besides a few stalagmite and stalactite the surface was predominantly flat. However the local life was anything but, everyone bustling around the settlement enjoying tending to the seaweed, crafting and protecting the sealife. 

“Jungkook, is struggling. He doesn’t understand how to handle rejection. He doesn’t understand that people value the same things,” Hoseok mumbled, massaging Yoongi’s lower back to help relieve tension from standing for such a long time.

“That human cannot survive long under the ocean, he grows weaker by the day, barely eating.” Yoongi huffed, “If Jungkook doesn’t let him go, the poor thing will die, Jungkook isn’t ready to experience something like that so close to him.”

“I think he has gotten too attached, losing this human might break him,” Hoseok bit his lip, “Dare I say he is in love with him, he could be his promised.”

Yoongi scoffed, the idea that Jungkook happened to find his promised one and he was a human, the first human he had ever met. Yoongi and Hoseok were unaware they were each other's promised until Yoongi had a week off from guard duty and started to get really sick. The two had met in the infirmary wasting away and only in one another's company did their condition improve. “Hoseok, that’s a bit much.”

A figure swam down the path quickly, heading straight to the sacred cove entrance, carrying something large. Was someone trying to attack their home? The two fell apart taking up offensive stances, each lurching forward when they spotted Jimin holding an unconscious human.

“Not another one,” Yoongi chastised, eyes sweeping over Jimin trying to be inconspicuous. Though he cared he showed it silently, not fond of open praise. The kind to listen and assist others out of sight.

“I have to make sure he is alright,” Jimin gave no further explanation, swimming up into the cove entrance dragging the human onto the sacred land. Jimin’s gold tail disappearing, leaving behind two bare legs. 

Wrapping himself in a cloth, the two followed. Yoongi strained to lift himself into an upright position. Hoseok brought out their usual transport, especially for Jungkook’s deliveries. In this case they threw the unconscious human across the shell of the crustacean and they headed to their king.

“Are all humans this big?” Yoongi asked, eyeing the figure draped beside Jimin. The two crab-pooling wasn’t the issue, the way Jimin looked genuinely concerned for the human was. It was no good for humans and Merfolk to fall in love, the dynamic wouldn’t end well. 

“No, they aren’t all this big, some of them are small, delicate and beautiful. They are magnificent, fascinating beings. Some are scary and mean and others are innocent and protective, just trying to do the right thing.” Jimin whispered, checking the humans breathing once more. 

“Is he your promised?” Hoseok asked softly, not knowing how to approach the topic sensitively. Jimin smiled, shaking his head. The thought appeared to have amused him.

“He is someone else’s promised,” Jimin said, “But I think I met her, she was beautiful and strong, never letting anyone stop her, never letting bad things keep her down. She would swim head first into enemy waters to save someone she barely knows.

The human groaned, “Where am I?” Jimin let out a sigh of relief, this human was waking up and didn’t seem to be physically hurt, at least there were no wounds they could see upon his flesh. “Am I dead?”

“No, you are not dead, you are in our settlement.” Jimin grinned at the disorientation present in Seokjin’s words. He was struggling to enunciate his words, each more like a whine drawn out.

Upon entering the crystal throne room the group tried their best to support the sluggish human inside. Gaining the attention of Jungkook, ceasing his brooding long enough to assist the three struggling mermen. As if hearing the commotion or perhaps Seokjin’s terrible jokes Namjoon emerged from where he had been staying.

“Jin! Are you okay?” Namjoon grabbed his friend, checking him over for injury, “What are you doing here?”

“Rescuing you and avoiding the police, I ran my car off the cliff and also may have destroyed the letter box outside your beach house.” He laughed, “Never really liked it anyway.”

“You did what?” Namjoon said, concerned, “Are you crazy?”

“Listen, we were being chased. It was all for you, and Jimin of course, returning Jimin and rescuing you.” Seokjin smiled at his friend. Yoongi thought these humans were weird, they were reckless and too odd for his liking. “I even teamed up with Taehyung and Y/n in order to save you. Do you know how hard that was?”

“Didn’t seem hard at all, you and Taehyung seemed to get along really well.” Jimin pushed the human with a smile, it was weird to see Jimin acting so comfortable with the humans. “We will return you so that the issue can be resolved, I am starting to grow worried about how we left.”

“What do you mean?” Seokjin asked confused

“Humans tackled Y/n and Taehyung dragged me into the water. Right before you and your car contraption fell into the water I killed the man who scared you all.” Jimin said proudly, this didn’t seem to go over well with the human’s. Yoongi hoped Jimin didn’t do something stupid turf war wasn’t on his to do list.

Yoongi didn’t understand the words coming from Seokjin’s face, if he had to liken it to anything, it sounded like vulgar slang, curse words. The human looked panicked.

“We have to go back, they are probably being sent to prison,” Seokjin said, trying to leave unsure which direction to go, “They are in big trouble.”

“Can’t you just talk to your king and explain and they will be removed from prison?” Jimin said

“Prison doesn’t work the same as it does here,” Namjoon explained, “Very Very bad people go to prison, Murderer’s, thieves and other despicable humans put in one place.”

“Yeah and if they go to prison, they may be beaten or worse,” Seokjin huffed. Jimin looked up at Jungkook who nodded, bringing out a small mirror and handing it to Jimin.

Looking over Jimin’s shoulder, Yoongi noticed a human different to the two infront of him, she was feminine delicate and leaking. “What is happening to her?”

“She is crying,” Jimin explained, “Humans do that when they are hurt or in despair, from what I have been told they do the same when they are happy too.”

“Confusing and a little stupid.” Hoseok laughed, “How do you know the difference?”

The charges have been dropped, Namjoon breathed listening to the interrogator, explaining that they couldn’t record the phenomenon that occurred on the beach. “They are being let go,” He smiled, a sight Yoongi hadn’t seen since he first laid eyes on their large domestic crustaceans.

“There is Taehyung,” Seokjin called out looking down, the two humans looked void of any emotion, they collected their things and climbed into the police car getting an escort to their homes. “They are safe and that’s all that matters.” 

Seokjin smiled, his eyes leaking much to Yoongi’s disgust. Namjoon smiled, he seemed a little amused by the older human. “I remember distinctly you saying you hated Taehyung with a passion and wanted him to choke on a sardine.” They two laughed for a moment, “When did things change?” 

“I guess when you are working as a team to save someone you develop an understanding.” Seokjin shrugged his large shoulders, “It also didn’t help that he was living in my house for almost a week.”

“You like him,” Namjoon poked him, “Admit it you have feelings for him.”

“We can head back when you are ready, we have returned Jimin home safely.” Seokjin smiled, looking around at the group and smiling, “I am Seokjin by the way, you can call me Jin.”

The man was goofy, reminding Yoongi of Jungkook himself, the two so alike in their childlike nature, letting themself play without hesitation. It was almost admirable that people could act so carefree, unaffected by how they could be perceived.

“I don’t know if I am allowed to leave?” Namjoon said, his smile falling, eyes fixed on the ground before him. 

Yoongi looked at his king, the spoiled young man reflecting on his actions, it had been many days since they saw the young man smile. Almost expecting him to refuse, Yoongi schools his expression when he doesn’t. 

“You should go, You don’t belong down here?” Jungkook took the mirror before walking away from the group to sit on the throne. He lowered his head looking at his reflection trying to distract himself from the pain. Letting your promised go was the hardest thing a merperson could do. Under normal circumstances, promises are only parted by death.

Namjoon walked over, placing a hand on the king's head and smiling at him, “If ever you want to visit, I would be happy to show you some great places, places you would love.” Jungkook’s broken heart warmed at the human’s dimples appearing softly in the flesh of his cheeks.

That was the last thing they needed, their king running off for a romance on the coast line. Seokjin swung his arm around Jimin playfully, the merman giggling whilst his legs almost buckled. “Yeah Jimin knows the private beach by Namjoon’s house, he can show you the way if you ever want to visit.”

Tags: @backinblack1967 @miriamxsworld @moccahobi @simplymemyself @a-gayish-unicorn @ella-mella @vjinfan23​

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[pigeonp0st]

Kara Danvers x Reader #8

Words: 2,333

Summary: reader trades half her life for Kara’s

Warnings: Death, Depression

Notes:

I just wanted to nerd about philosophy and ponder about psychological egoism and it turned into this...sorry about spelling mistakes.

———

Psychological egoism; the theory that no one can truly be selfless. The theory that, even when we’re helping others, deep down we’re acting in our own self-interest.

When you came across the theory a couple of months ago you thought it was ridiculous. It was something you couldn’t believe, not when your girlfriend seemed like the paragon of selflessness.

Kara.

Kara who risks her life everyday for the people of National City, Kara who risks her life for the world. Kara who has lost, and Kara who keeps on fighting anyways. Kara who cares, who cares so much.

Kara gives, and she gives, and she gives, and she’s dying because of it now, so she isn’t a bad person. She isn’t a bad person, but now you’re starting to think that selfishness doesn’t necessarily need to mean bad. When selfishness brings you to help others, it isn’t a bad thing. It can’t be.

You don’t want to be a bad person. You have to believe that the decision you made an hour ago was the right one, because when the disfigured voice spoke to you with it’s compelling offer of; half of your life for Kara’s survival/revival...you couldn’t say no.

———

When Kara wakes up from her coma a day later, not even the mystery voice saying: “it’s done” in it’s weird enchanting voice keeps you from your relief and joy.

If your decision was ‘selfishy good’ in nature, if it was just selfless, or even if it was just plain selfish...well, you can’t really bring yourself to care right now because Kara is smiling and hugging you and...and fuck everything else.

This is worth it. Even if you hit the halfway point of your life tomorrow and die...this is worth it. It’s Kara. Kara who sacrifices a lot, but Kara whose worth sacrifices too. So yeah. ‘It’s done’... and it’s okay.

———

It’s not okay.

It’s not okay because when you get into a near death experience a year after Kara looks at you like she just experienced another world dying.

She holds you when you wake up in the hospital bed like you’re made of glass. She holds you like you’re the most precious thing on earth.

It’s not okay because it’s unfair, because it hurts how much you’re going to hurt her, because even while the decision you made a year ago isn’t something you’d change, you hate it anyways.

It’s not okay because Kara proposes to you. She proposes to you right there, with you in the hospital bed. She proposes to you and makes a beautiful speech talking about forever, talking about happinesses. She paints a beautiful picture of the future with her words, because she’s Kara Danvers the Pulitzer Prize winner, and you want.

You want. Desperately.

You can’t have.

Kara says, with her beautiful tear streaked cheek, with her embarrassed eye shifting, “I can’t imagine my life without you,” and suddenly ‘want’ turns into hatred. Not hatred…

It turns into rage. Rage, and helplessness, so much helplessness, and pain. All consuming pain. Pain that floods your eyes with tears until your choking on sobs, until your body is shaking. Pain.

Pain that Kara doesn’t understand—can’t understand because you’ve never been able to tell her about the sacrifice you made a year ago.

She gets her own type of pain though, when you force out a trembling, and raspy; “No—no Kara. No.”

“What?” Kara asks, with a look that’s somehow disbelieving, and unsurprised. Like a part of her always expects to not be enough.

You shut your eyes against the look on her face—against the deathly silent—and you wish for different. You wish to be in another timeline where things don’t hurt as much, you wish for a timeline where the offer of forever with the women you love isn’t just waking up everyday for as long as you have left wondering if it’s the day your forever is cut short too soon.

It doesn’t work.

The pain, the helplessness, the rage, it leads to you doing something selfish, but this time there’s no question about whether or not it’s the ‘good selfish’. It’s just selfish. It’s selfish but you’re tired, so you tell Kara about that day a year ago where she shouldn’t have woken up from her coma.

You weren’t going to tell her because you know Kara, you know that she’ll try to change your fate if it’s the last thing she does, and you know that when it eventually fails it’ll crush her completely, because being brave enough to hope then having it squashed...it’s awful.

——-

When you’re done with your retelling you say, “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” with a look on your face that Kara never wanted to see, a look that can only be described as...heavy. Unbearably heavy.

Kara’s own face is full of darkness. There’s a hauntedness about her as she sits silently in her seat, staring at you, and it’s scary because Kara isn’t here anymore. Not mentally.

——-

It takes nearly half an hour for Kara to come back, and when she does she doesn’t react the way you expect her to. You expect sobs and pleas, and hope, and anger.

What you get instead is her arm pulling you into a hug, and her face pressed against your neck, and silent tears wetting the collar of your hospital gown.

What you get is fear. Her fear that sits over you like a blanket.

And an hour later, what you get is a whispered, “Why does it feel like nothing in life will ever go right?”

“I’m sorry, Kara,” you say, though you aren’t. “Saving you was practically saving the world...you’re a hero.” You know Kara doesn’t think she’s worth it as is. Appealing to her hero is the only way you can think to make her understand.

“I know you’re tired of hurting—”

“Please,” Kara cuts in. You feel her jaw clench. “I never asked you to defend yourself. What’s done is done, I just want to lay here.”

Lay here and pretend her world hasn’t been shattered. Lay here and not think about the future, or the past.

“I just…” you pause, pulling away to examine Kara’s face. “I feel like i’ve just really hurt you in a big way.”

“I don’t want to think about it,” Kara says, and it sounds like a plea. “I don’t want to— Fuck.”

And now she’s sobbing, and you’re pulling her back into the hug while she shakes her head over and over again, while she squeezes her eyes shut.

These were the sobs you were expecting. These sobs that only someone who has lost as much as Kara can manage. They’re loud and full of heartbreak, she’s shouting broken questions that aren’t for you all the while, and this was what you were expecting but it’s...it’s unfair.

——-

Her emotions change quickly during her processing period but none of it is anger...it’s all just sort of defeat manifested in different ways.

Kara feels defeated. She feels helpless...and this isn’t what you wanted.

——-

It’s two weeks after the incident in the hospital that Kara decides it’s time to actually talk about ‘it’ with you. You know she’s been going to Alex and her friends for advice, you’re glad she’s finally going to you.

“I feel like I'm mourning you while you’re still alive, and I hate it,” Kara admits, eyes downcast. “I hate that I feel like I can’t talk to you, because I know you didn’t want to tell me for a year because you didn’t want to make me sad and-”

“And that’s exactly what you are,” you finish for her, laughing in a way that’s not at all humorous.

Kara closes her eyes, and whispers, brokenly, “I'm so sad,” in her agreement. “I’m sad, I'm lost, I'm angry, I'm desperate...I don’t know how to feel yet I feel so much—I just—Rao Y/N, I just want you to be okay,” Kara says, and you know. You know. Have known since last year, watching Alex brokenly try to tell you that Kara might not make it this time. You know how it hurts.

It hurts hearing that the person you love is going to die. It hurts in an all encompassing way that makes the future seem so terrifying.

But there’s nothing that can save you now.

“Lena is- she’s trying to find a way.”

That doesn’t really surprise you. You used to believe that there was nothing Lena couldn’t do if she really wanted it...but this...well it has to be impossible. How are you supposed to change the fate granted to you by a higher being…?

“Alex is trying too,” Kara says, “she and Brainy are contacting everyone they can think of to help you.”

The thought of your friends fighting so hard for you makes your eyes water and your chest hurt. The Superfriend always land on top when they work together, they always win...

“How?” You ask, your voice trembling on the word. “Kara, how?”

Kara glances up from where she was glaring holes into the edge of the couch to look at you. She hesitates for a moment before saying; “they believe that if they can somehow grant you immortality they can save you…”

No.

“Kara,” you whisper, feeling a large amount of guilt, “I don’t want to live forever.”

And Kara knows. She knows but— “but then you won’t even have a full life,Y/N.”

She sounds so terrified again, when she says that, that you can’t even say anything in response but shake your head.

“If you’re supposed to die,” Kara pauses, studying your face, “am i supposed to- do you just want me to just let you?”

She sounds repulsed by the idea...but…

“Yes, Kara. Yes. You’re supposed to let me.”

The, ‘I don’t believe you can change this and I don’t want this to hurt you more than it should’, goes unsaid by you.

———

Kara doesn’t listen. She tries, and she tries, and she tries, for months, and only months because you die 5 months after your initial accident.

The doctors have no clue why...you just pass peacefully in your sleep one day and leave Kara to wake up next to you trying to shake you awake and pleading for you to just “wake up, please, please.”

Kara is devastated.

More devastated than any of her friends expects, more devastated than Alex expects. They’re trying to help her but they lost you too and everything is just harder because of it.

Kara tries for revival. She asks John Constantine and everyone she can think of but everything doesn’t work and eventually Alex has to force her to stop.

After is what Kelly calls Kara’s second phase of grief. Her first stage, denial, went longer than Kelly expected so she expects the second phase to last a long time too.

It doesn’t. Kara’s anger seeps out of her quickly.

Stage three doesn’t last long either. The “what if’s” and “if only’s” just feel pointless to Kara.

She settles into stage four though. She settles into it and stays. Depression fills all the empty spaces in her apartment where you used to be, and it tries to fill the place in her heart that used to be for you. Depression stays.

Kara avoids going home because it isn’t home anymore. It’s the place you died. It’s the place where your things are scattered around everywhere like they belong, but they don’t belong anymore, because you aren’t there. You aren’t there, so the stupid mug on the nightstand shouldn’t be there anymore but it is.

You aren’t there so your clothes shouldn’t still be in her closet, and your toothbrush should be in the trash, and everything should just be gone. Everything should just be gone because you aren’t- you aren’t there.

You aren’t there and Kara hurts, because you’re supposed to be home. You’re supposed to be home with her. You're supposed to be her home.

You can’t be anymore.

Kara grows to hate the word “forever” because it’s just a whole bunch of lies, she grows to hate the word “sorry” because it’s all anyone ever says to her anymore, she grows to hate people saying “you’ll be okay” because she won’t be.

She grows to hate the word “hope.”

Hope people say, as if hope isn’t just denial trying to look pretty. Hope as if doing so isn’t just deluding yourself so things feel worth it.

Lena tells her one day that there needs to be hope, because there needs to be light. Without it you’re just lost in the darkness.

Lena tells her that but she looks uncertain, like she believes the ‘light’ is just a myth or a trick of the eye meant to just keep you moving.

So Kara hates hope, and she hates lies, but she loves love.

She loves the love, and support, and all of the things her friends give each other to make everything better for a while.

Kara hates hope but she still believes in trying anyways, so she begins to try after a while. She tries to get more sleep, she tries to spend more time with her friends, she tries to talk about feelings, and she tries to make fighting feel worth it.

She tries but she still misses. She misses desperately, but she eventually hits the final stage of acceptance.

Acceptance doesn’t feel like the final stage because Kara still hurts, and she still wants things she can never have, but she never even imagined she’d get here a year ago when you were lifeless in her bed—so this is fine.

This is fine. Kara finally places the mug on your nightstand in the sink and sobs while she washes it, but this is fine.

This is fine.

Kara wanted more than fine. She wanted you.