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tinfoil-jones · 7 months ago

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Gravity Falls: For Your Own Good, Ch.22

Summary: A few years after moving to Gravity Falls and having his lab built, Stanford Pines happens upon his estranged twin brother, Stanley. He mentally prepared himself to be suffocated by his brothers neediness all over again - what he wasn't prepared for was Stanley walking right past him like he didn't even notice him.

Rating: M for language, violence, and adult implications

Preface: Dialogue only, but some actions will be annotated for clarity. Cross-Posted on AO3 Here.

WARNING: non-consensual groping

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CH.22

Jingle

Click

Creeeakkk

“Hey fellers, I’m back! I hope ya’ll are ready for- hello?”

“F… Fiddleford…”

“Stanford? Where are you at? Why d’you sound so-.”

“L-Living room...”

“What in tarnation - Stanford, why’re you dressed like that? And why’re ya’ll laid back on the armchair like that?”

“Can’t… move. He left Naloxone on the coffee table… I can’t reach it… I’m paralyzed.”

“How did this happen?”

“Stanley got me with my own tranq gun…”

“Oh, for Heavens sake. Here friend, let’s get you that Narcan.”

“Thank you, Fiddleford. Stanley underestimated his ability to metabolize opioids, or he overestimated mine. It took sixteen hours for me to wake up, and I’ve still been paralyzed for the past six or eight.”

“Why would Stan do this? And did he switch clothes with you?”

“Yes.”

“...This makes me uncomfortable.”

“We don’t have a lot of time, I’ll explain as much to you as possible on the way down to my lab. Follow me!”

(...)

“So cosmic-level authorities placed you under arrest.”

“Yes.”

“And you tried to save your sorry hide by requesting a transdimensional trial by combat?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

“And Stan - who has been to multiple planets and different dimensions - cut his hair, knocked you out, stole your spare set of glasses, and switched clothes with you to take your place?”

“Correct.”

“And you expect me to believe all of this?”

“Fiddleford, we scavenged several parts for my computer at crash site omega, you know extraterrestrials are real, why does this seem so far fetched?”

“That’s different! That ship was millions of years old, and long abandoned! Whatever left it behind should have died out eons ago.”

“Didn’t you ever wonder how I was able to decode the alien language so fast?”

“I imagine you put your doctorates in Linguistics and Etymology to use.”

“I tried to at first. But Stanley already knew that language, and translated it for me. Well, the major structures of words and sentences at least, cultural context was missing.”

“...I beg your pardon?”

“The language is called Gromflomish, it’s the standard language of the Galactic Federation due to the dominant species of that regime being the Gromflomites. Stanley learned it while he was galavanting in space.”

“Are you even listening to yourself right now?”

“Fiddleford, I understand that what I am telling you is a lot, and I am sorry we weren’t more forthcoming with you from the start; but we need to focus on rescuing Stanley.”

“How in Sam Hell are we supposed to do that?”

“When Stanley switched our clothes, he also switched our wallets. I imagine this was to avoid scrutiny if he was searched. I found some items of interest inside.”

“You didn’t search what was in it when you confiscated it the first time?”

“No. There was not a lot I expected to find in there given his lifestyle. I only did a precursory check for illicit substances. But what I found with a more in-depth search is… Interesting.”

*Ford quickly types on his computer, and pulls out a photograph and an I.D from Stans wallet*

“Who… are all of those strange characters and critters in the photo with him?”

“Apparently he was the bouncer for a group called the Flesh Curtains… a band made up exclusively of intergalactic criminals. And there is one member who can help us.”

“You want to call a space outlaw to help us find your brother?”

“Fiddleford, I will remind you Stanley is not just an ex-convict, he is also an intergalactic and interdimensional wanted criminal. And trust me when I say, I also very much do not like who I am about to send a beacon to.”

(...)

“Stanford Filbrick Pines, step forward.”

“Almost a whole day in ‘the hole’, just to drag me into court anyways? What happened to the Gladiatorial challenge?”

“SILENCE! You will be read your charges before you make your attempts to clear them in Globnar! First and foremost, your most heinous crime is Unlicensed Nightmare Fueling! You are wanted under suspicion of giving debilitating nightmares to the following individuals; Federico Fidel “Rico” Leiva Arias, Jorge Andrés Martelo Visbal, -”

‘Hey wait a second, these names…’

‘These are a from the list I gave to-’

‘Has he… has he been giving them nightmares?’

‘But why?’

‘Why would he…?’

‘Has he been doing that the whole time?’

“FURTHERMORE, a standard DNA scan has linked you to the crimes of the petty outlaw, and notorious first and second person to ever break into and out of the Infinetentiary; Staniel Danger Malone.”

‘Why did I ever let Rick submit the paperwork for my Federation I.D..?”

“REGARDLESS of what name you use, any crime committed that is linked to your DNA signature will be held against you, and can only be cleared by Globnar, or an imprisonment up to a number of Schwabe cycles equal to xn+1=rxn(1−xn), whereas x represents the amount of crimes you are convicted of. WHAT SAY YOU, The Accused?”

“Bring it.”

(...)

*Ford is heavily hugged from behind by a much taller figure, who practically drapes over him*

“Hey-Hey Stan! I was wondering when you’d call back. Took you long enough.

Has someone been trying to install tracking chips on you, by the way? I’ve gotten like, six notifications from how many have been shorted out in the past four months or so.

Didja miss me, Stan?”

“...Sanchez.”

“...”

“This is Dr. Stanford Pines, while I did send you that beacon, you are mistaking me for my identical twin brother, Stanley.”

“Huh, so I guess it was short for Stanley, I owe Birdperson a Kalaxian Crystal.”

“Please remove your hand from my groin. I will only request this once.”

“Wow, you two really must be identical, the way it fills my hand-.”

WACK

(...)

“So you’re Stan’s brother huh? You must be that thing he was looking for. Here I was, thinking he buried some gold somewhere.”

“Sanchez, we’ve met before.”

“Have we?”

“I attended several of the same classes in Backupsmore University as your late wife.”

“Hm, still not familiar, pal.”

"I have six fingers."

"So you'd be more expensive to animate, but I'm still blanking out here."

“We had a heated debate once because you claimed you solved the Hodge Conjecture.”

“Was it a heated debate? Really? Sounds more like whisky-over-the-rocks chat to me.”

“...Perhaps a bit more heated on my end.”

“Still not- Oh! Wait, I think I remember you now.”

“Good, now-.”

“You were that slutty shorts guy!”

“...Now, we need to discuss Stanley. My brother has recently been apprehended by the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron. I called you here because I am aware you possess advanced transdimensional portal technology.”

“And what’s in it for me?”

“Excuse me?”

“You want my help? What can you give me for it?”

“I was under the impression you and Stanley were friends.”

“When he calls me I could at least expect a booty call.”

*Fiddleford in the background clearly tenses up, and angrily crosses his arms*

“But you? I can tell just by looking at you that, the only thing you’ve ever fucked is your own sleep schedule. Also, you just gave me a black eye, so excuse me if I’m not feeling charitable.”

“Why you selfish, short sighted, arrogant-.”

“Wait, those plans over there? Are those yours?”

“Those are my schematics, actually, Mister Rick.”

“Hmm, interesting. A gun that wipes out memories based on a typed-in word, phrase, or concept? Looks like it can be edited to store what’s removed as well, what a mindblower. Tell you what, Ford, I’ll get you teleported over to your superior half, with a way back, but your little lab partner lets me study his invention.”

“Fiddleford?”

“If it's what it takes to bring him back… but I’m not gonna like it.”

“Alright, Sanchez. He’ll share his concept with you. But in exchange you need to help us find and retrieve Stanley.”

“Finding him is easy enough, I had a tracking device stored into one of his molars. It shorts out any lesser tracking device.”

“He said you didn’t alter his physiology.”

“Oh, he doesn’t know about it. The shady dentist he went to who surgically re-grew all of his missing teeth, he owed me a few favours.”

“I have no idea what Stanley ever saw in you…”

“Ha! You think your brother’s some kind of saint? He once took a rocket gun, said “I am the god of destruction”, and vaporized an unmanned warehouse full of Galactic Federation pharmaceuticals, because the local supply depot didn't accept the prescription pad that he forged, in English.

He got us both banned from The Gambling Dimension because he wrote a three hundred page manifesto on bribery called The Holy Brible, which created a new religion called Stanentology that became the third most practiced faith in the entire dimension. And then he kept advising his followers to overthrow the government, kickstarting The Crusades.

One planet has a picture of him in the dictionary when you look up ‘customer complaint’, because he sold them really shitty copper.

He did a keg stand with liquid ecstasy once. You think it sounds insane, me just saying it? Imagine what it was like to see it. He did a keg stand with liquid ecstasy.”

“I am sure your influence did not help.”

“Oh, definitely. I know I made him worse, but he was already fucked up when I met him. Also, Ford, not using contractions doesn’t make you sound smarter. Just confirms how much of a hubristic turd you are.”

“Are you going to show us where in the Sam hell he is or not?”

“That southern guy has more bite than you do, Ford. Buuut, a deals a deal. Here we go.”

*Rick takes a cable and connects his watch to Fords computer, and then begins typing*

“Alright hot dick let’s see where you managed to get yourself cornered this time.”

“Stanford, you better hurry when you find Stan. Because if you leave me with this man for too long…”

“Yes, he is insufferable, I understand.”

“There he is. He’s in the Time Dimension - in the Future City Court Room? Ouch. That isn’t good, he’s wanted by the jurisdiction of Future City because he broke into their maximum security prison to get me off, and also out, twice. And they’re still pissed about it.”

“But you’ve pinpointed his location?”

“Yes. But I’m not giving you my portal gun, you couldn't possibly even begin to understand how to use it. Instead, you’re going to put this watch on. Here.”

“Fine.”

“I’m going to open a portal that will drop you directly next to him. When you’re ready to come back, just press the button on the side of the watch, it’ll send me a notification that you’re ready to come back, and I’ll open another portal for you.”

“I won’t be long - Fiddleford, keep an eye on the place. Sanchez, behave yourself.”

“You really do have less bite to you than Stan does, he would have told me to go kill myself.”

“The day's still young, Sanchez.”

(...)

“[The winner gets a precious Time Wish, and then decides the loser's fate. And you are officially ch-.]”

“WAIT!”

*Ford suddenly drops out of a green portal vortex right next to Stan, who is still in shackles. The portal winks out instantly.*

“Doc?!”

“Stanley, I cannot believe you thought you had to save me from-!”

“Both of us.”

“Excuse me?”

“They were never just gonna charge you for your weird brain crimes… They were gonna charge you with my stuff, too. And my rap sheets a lot longer than yours.”

“I would have done it anyways!”

“I know you would, that’s why I had to trick you. By the way… about those nightmares you caused- why did you do it?”

“You know why.”

“EXCUSE US?! This is unprecedented! An imposter among us?”

“I am the real Stanford!”

“No, he isn't! Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy!”

“SILENCE! Timebot, run a DNA analysis of the interloper.”

“[Scan complete. DNA 102% match for the accused, with a 2% margin of error.]”

“Identical twins? Clones? How can we possibly tell the difference between them, Lolph?”

“That new one has six fingers, and his glasses still have their lenses.”

“Yes, but our reports never specified the number of fingers of the suspect. And the suspect was always reported to be wearing goggles designed for skiing.”

“Really, Stanley? You judged me for the outfit I chose, and yet you-.”

“Can it, PhD. We both know you just like playing dress-up.”

“Why don’t we use footage from the Infinetentiary Break to count the fingers?”

“We cannot reliably do so, the graininess of the footage is cleared up by an A.I that almost never gets the amount of fingers right.”

“Nah, you listen here ya future jerks, you can’t tell us apart! If you’re gonna take us, you’re gonna have to take both of us- in combat. I want to specify and put that to record right now, I mean take us in combat.”

“Stanley, why are you repeating that?”

“Trust me. This one time, just trust me. Specification is important.”

“[Agents Dundgren and Lolph, do you accept a challenge of two versus two?]”

“We accept. We have advanced, expert training.”

“And those two are just a pair of nobodies with many identities under their belts, but no true purpose with any of them.”

“Hey, doc?”

“Yes?”

“I’m gonna punch that guy.”

“Understandable.”

*A large hole opens up above the arena, and the Time Baby floats out of it, and the crowd in the arena goes wild*

“Welcome Globnar tributes! I have a very important nap to get to so let's make this quick. You each have a chance to settle your time-crimes through gladiatorial combat.”

“[You will have until Time Baby finishes drinking the cosmic sand in this hourglass.]”

“Get ready, Stans. When we win and decide your fate, you’ll both be subject to the maximum punishment under time law.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Stanley! Put the finger- fingers, down!”

“...Dundgren, why is the pudgy one giving us the universal symbol for good luck?”

“Maybe he’s taunting us by suggesting that we will need luck to beat them.”

“That one is tricky. I’ll be sure to stab him before he becomes a problem.”

To be continued…