#presented without context aka this came to me in a dream

[sauce-cat]

◦ no photos permitted husk is trapped under a sleepy alastor. angel helps.

[my2phetaliaheadcanons]

If possible... Headcannons/fanfic from 2p Germany and 2p Russia, separately, taking interest in a friend from one country? Context: The country's friend is immortal, because of problems she went in her country's replacement at the meeting with the other countries. She has a very affectionate and outgoing personality, so she quickly picks up romantic interest from the attendees.

Sorry it took so long. Here it is!

2p Russia

A lone tall man walked through the basement halls of the United Nations building. His large, long blacked coat protected him from the chill of the A.C. and in his left hand was a simple black briefcase. His steps were quiet along the concrete, but his momentary silence would not last for much longer.

A set of steel doors sat closed and was located at the end of the hall. The sounds that lied within warned of chaos and death. Viktor blew a hard breath through his nose, as much as he wanted to leave, this meeting was important. It was the first time in a long time that all the 2ps were meeting and to avoid it could be costly.

Opening the door Viktor noticed that many nations were grouped together. The Nordics were in the back corner of the room talking about business. Germany and Italy were near their seats, both seemed to be scanning the crowd. Viktor guessed it was to see the missing member of their trio. Once Viktor found his seat, his eyes wandered around again.

This time his eye drifted over to the FACE family. Normally there were shouts and the clink of coins hitting glass, but today it was much quieter. As Viktor looked closer at the four, he realized something. Allen wasn’t there. Instead, there was a woman among them. She was (Y/H) and had (S/C) skin. The strange woman was leaning against the sitting blond Canadian. Both were talking and were smiling. Viktor did note that Matt seemed to have a small blush on his face. His observation was interrupted by a voice.

“All right-a everyone. Take your-a seats and shut-a up!”

Viktor grunted and looked over as the woman moved to take Allen’s seat. His eyebrow rose, this would take some investigating. But that would have to wait.

The meeting went almost as Viktor had expected. Various nations would present an issue, try to make it seem that their homes were thriving, and others would say their piece on an issue. During each part of this song and dance, some nation would then distract everyone. The main offender this time happened to be Macau. He had been going around attempting to piss of Italy so that he could win a bet.

Overall a normal meeting, but Viktor could not help but be distracted by the (E/C) beauty. She had been outgoing the entire meeting. Asking questions to the presenters, offering solutions, and overall being pleasant. It was cute, but there was one habit that stood out, pet names. Each person was given their own.

Despite the cuteness, Viktor was getting annoyed. It was not at the charming lady, but rather at his fellow nations. Their infatuation was apparent in the blushes and sudden smiles that came from their interactions with her. Viktor was not pleased with how others looked at her like a meal or a treasure. He also wasn’t pleased that he was feeling this way over a stranger, better yet a stranger attached to Allen.

With the end of the meeting came the desire for answers. Viktor rose quickly like a weasel looking for prey. He moved calmly and quickly over to the stranger. There he stood, in front of her but unnoticed, while she giggled and affectionately was playing around with England. Viktor felt his ire increase when she gave the killer baker a kiss. His blush made Viktor’s stomach twist in a painful way.

Before confronting her, Viktor looked over to the Canadian that seemed to be looking over at the pair jealously.

“Kaнaдa, who is this?”

“That’s (Y/N) (L/N). An old friend of Al’s, we’ve known her since childhood and since Al’s buried under work, he asked her to step in for him.”

Viktor just hummed in response. This woman was becoming more interesting. With two steps and a cough, Viktor stood in front of the playful pair.

Their attention turned to him quickly. The Brit did not look happy to be interrupted, while the woman smiled at him. Using his practiced grace Viktor reached out and took her hand. A gentle kiss was placed upon it.

“Hello, Ms. (L/N). I am the Russian Federation. Is there a chance you have a moment to discuss some things with me?”

(Y/N) covered her mouth and giggled. To Viktor, and many others it sounded like silver bells.

“Of course, I have some time before I have to get these notes to Al.”

Being the gentleman, he offered her his elbow. She responded with a bright smile and (Y/N) hooked her arm into his and followed the red eyed male out.

It was not long before they found a spot to sit and discuss. Their conversations soon left the topics of business and became more personal. Viktor was intrigued, despite the difference in the centuries she had lived, he couldn’t help but feel connected to her. To him her presence felt like a balm for his soul.

A beeping turned the chatting duo into silent statues. It was (Y/N)’s phone. She glanced quickly at it and grimaced.

“I’m sorry Viktor, I have got to get going. Al’s waiting for me and these papers.”

Of course. Allen just had to cut their time short. Standing alongside (Y/N), Viktor offered to give her a ride. Just something to give him more time to bask in her glow.

Being the true optimist, (Y/N) accepted with an enthusiastic yes!

The trip to his car and then to Al’s apartment felt too fast for Viktor. Before (Y/N) could leave the car. Viktor looked at (Y/N), he felt emotions that could not be explained easily, but he knew one thing. He needed to get to know (Y/N) better. So, he was going to take a chance.

“Would you care to go on a date with me? It is nothing serious, just a chance for us to get to know one another better.”

(Y/N) was not surprised. She just smiled and looked back at Viktor while getting out of the car.

“I would love to, but you need to realize one thing. I have noticed quite a few nations giving me the same goo-goo eyes that you have. So, be prepared for a fight for my heart.”

With a wink and giving Viktor a small sheet of paper, (Y/N) was gone. She had waltzed into Allen’s apartment building like a dream.

Looking down Viktor saw that the sheet was her phone number. Despite his cold heart, Viktor smirked to himself. He would figure out these feelings and if God willed it, he would secure her heart.

2p Germany

It was too loud and cold in this basement. The chaos had decided to get started before the meeting. Nations were yelling and weapons were flying. The A.C. was blowing like it was the reason for the next ice age. It was all annoying. All Luther wanted to do was sleep, maybe people watch, but that wouldn’t happen if these conditions continued.

With a deep groan Luther sat up straight and stretched. The sound of a satisfying pop alerted him that his stretching had relaxed muscles.

Luther glanced at the clock, and his head tilted to the left like a confused puppy. It was about ten minutes after the hour. That means the meeting should have started ten minutes ago, why hadn’t it started? He glanced around and understood one thing. Luciano, aka Italy, was not there.

Luther felt a little embarrassed he should have realized that earlier, but in his defense, the exhaustion and the beginnings of a headache ate at his awareness. Before he could wonder about the location of his missing Genosse, a (Y/H) woman ran over to the podium at the front of the room.

Her hair was wild, her face was flushed, gorgeous (E/C) looked around excitedly. She carried a smile as she reached forward and tapped on the microphone.

“Hello everyone, I apologize for being late. But I am (Y/N) (L/N) and I’m stepping in for Italy today. Sadly, he is out due to getting grounded and he has asked that I lead this meeting.”

Luther raised a brow and smirked. How cute. This pretty little vixen was now attempting to lead the meeting. The next few hours would be fun, well for him anyway.

For many nations the meeting was considered normal. Interruptions and fighting, before the more business-oriented nations took back control. This included the lovely (Y/N), but try as she may to keep the focus, many nations shattered her attempts like already cracked glass.

For one thing, Austria could not leave (Y/N) be. He was constantly interrupting presenting nations by breaking in rock ballads, mostly singing about (Y/N). While Norway was asking her whether or not she wanted to see a flaming heart, no one was quite sure what that mean. Since it was Norway, everyone knew that fire and pyros should not mix, except for (Y/N). Luckily Denmark stopped him by confiscating his lighter. Lastly, Luther joined in. He was dropping pickup lines and teasing (Y/N). Other nations did some stuff too, but it was not as entertaining as those three.

Throughout it all (Y/N) just giggled and responded with affection. In some cases, it was a compliment, other nations got gentle gestures. Those that received her affection either blushed or looked a little shocked.

Luther knew (Y/N) was gorgeous before, but her outgoing and sweet nature made her much more lovely. He thought he might be developing a crush, but Luther didn’t dwell to long on that thought. Mostly because everyone was getting up to leave and some of his rivals were closing in on (Y/N).

Without thinking it through, Luther quickly moved to take a spot by (Y/N)’s side. (Y/N) was surprised but didn’t seem to be against his presence. Luther gave a side smile and asked to walk her out. Somehow (Y/N)’s smile got even bigger, and she nodded.

Together they walked out of the cold, basement room. Luther gave dark glares at nearby nations while (Y/N) smiled and waved at the nations that walked by.

As they walked, Luther decided to get to know this little beauty more.

“So, how long have you known Luciano?”

“Since the third century, after all we grew up together in a way, though I am still way younger than him.”

This comment caused Luther to stop walking. Was she like them or some other thing that he didn’t know existed? Any way Luciano has some explaining to do later.

Luther watched as (Y/N) slowed, stopped and looked back at him. Her eyes seemed to be full of mischief and a cat-like smile rested on her face.

“Luther, if you don’t want to walk me to Luci’s I’m sure some other nation would be more than happy to take your place.”

Luther’s eyes went wide. He wasn’t expecting this sweet woman to be an observant and playful tease. It was hot.

“Liebling, why call someone else when I’m the only one you need.”

Both let out a chuckle as they stepped through the door that led into the stairwell. This seems to be the start of a classic love story.

[lucemferto]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT TECHNOBLADE (or A Narrative Analysis of the Dream SMP Doomsday Event) - Script

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! I am planning on doing a big dumb, way too long analysis video on the Dream SMP which will – at my current pace – come out in five years. I am already way too late on this one.

Spoiler Alert for the Doomsday Event that took place on the 6th of January in the Dream SMP. Surely the worst thing to take place on the 6th of January 2021 … I’m sorry, what’s this about the Capitol?

In case you don’t watch the SMP and need context: The Dream SMP is a Minecraft Multiplayer Server, that, throughout the last year, has transformed from a normal Let’s Play to an ongoing new-media series streamed by multiple high-profile streamers such as Dream, TommyInnit or Technoblade. It comes complete with script – by which I mean loose bullet points – and story events. It has attracted a large fanbase specifically invested in the story and less so in the actual gameplay content. Like I said before, I will probably do a big video on the Dream SMP at some point in the future.

The storyline is long and complicated and trying to explain it all would take up the majority of the video and there are other channels who have already done a much better job than I could ever hope to do, so give them a watch. I’ll try to summarize all that is pertinent to what I will talk about in this video.

Okay, let’s speedrun this summary. Cue the music!

Major Players here are TommyInnit, a founder of the independent nation of L’Manburg, Technoblade, an anarchist who was deep in conflict with L’Manburg, Tubbo, Tommy’s best friend and current president of L’Manburg, and Dream, the ruler of the Kingdom of the Dream SMP (even though he is not the king, but we’re not going to get into that right now). Tommy had in the past been exiled by Tubbo for endangering L’Manburg’s shaky peace with the Dream SMP. Tommy had then teamed up with Technoblade, who was hellbent on destroying L’Manberg after some prior altercations – more on that later.

Tommy and Tubbo came into conflict during a festival set-up to celebrate the friendship between L’Manburg and the Dream SMP. After punching out their feelings, Tommy came to the realization that his friendship with Tubbo was more important than his vendetta against Dream and those who exiled him. Techno took that change of heart badly and teamed up with Dream to destroy L’Manburg … and that’s exactly what happened.

Techno and Dream, with little to no opposition, obliterated L’Manburg with no hope for recovery leaving its inhabitants stranded hopeless and alone.

… And that’s what you missed on Dream SMP!

Okay. So, usually I just put whatever thought slime drips out of my mouth hole into your subscription box. But then I asked myself: “Am I not taking this a largely improvised nonsense story from a bunch of 16–24-year-olds a little too seriously?”. And then I remembered. I’m a pretentious bitch. I made an 18-minute video explaining why the popular commentary YouTuber memeulous is secretly the time travelling Anti-Christ, REASON HAS NO SWAY OVER ME!

So, like the English Major drop-out that I am, I will present you with two theses, which I will then combine into one … supratheses! That word doesn’t exist, I just coined it, it’s mine! I am very smart!

[I know words, I have the best words!]

 Thesis #1: The Fandom focuses too much on Character Analysis in Favour of Narrative Analysis

The Dream SMP is truly something special. It is uniquely singular in how it tells a story of this scope through its chosen medium. While there is an overarching script that lays out the plot points of the future, each of the 30+ streamers on the SMP are their own cameraman, director, writer and actor. You cannot watch “the Dream SMP” – if you attempted that, you would be 80 by the time you caught up to the Doomsday Event. You have to choose whom to watch. You have to choose your focal point character.

Because by the way the story is told and consumed – aka in such a compartmentalized fashion; you watch one streamer and get one character’s perspective – it has sort-of unintentionally conditioned fans to look at the SMP and its characters less as one coherent story with messages and themes and more as sports teams they can root for. You’re Team Techno or Team Tubbo or Team Tommy or Team JackManifoldTV (formerly known as Thunder1408) and every other side is in the wrong! It’s like Twilight for a decade old children’s game about virtual Lego!

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but the amount of discourse perpetuated by and revolving around so-called “apologists” – a terrible term that unfortunately has caught on – is really not something that I think is good for how we interact with the story of the Dream SMP.

The Dream SMP is discussed a lot on character-based level, which is, like I said before, hugely advantaged by the way the story is consumed by its audience. With traditional, visual media such as film for example, the audience can be made more aware of what messages the narrative might try to communicate on a narrative level without the need for an explicit narrator to tell you the moral.

As an example, in a movie you could have a smash-cut from the Butcher Army’s discussions about neutralizing the danger Technoblade poses to Techno being nice around villagers or taking care of animals. This would communicate on an extradiegetic level, that the Butcher Army is in the wrong with their assumptions. Alternatively, you could contrast Techno’s declarations that power corrupts and that Tubbo’s administration is cruel with Tubbo choosing not to punish Ranboo for his association with Techno – thus the narrative would communicate that Techno’s view of Tubbo and by extension the government is one-sided and not true to reality.

Stuff like that helps the viewer understanding a story holistically and manages to communicate stuff like themes and morals without having to solely rely on in-character logic and argumentation, which, as Ghostbur put it so eloquently, is comprised of a bunch of unreliable narrators.

Character analysis is great if we want dive deep, if we really want to give a character flavour and understand their motivations. It helps make the universe feel like it is alive, like it’s real. But – and this might be a shocker for you – it’s not real. It’s written. It is construction – and as such, in its construction, it has messages and themes and morals, intentionally or unintentionally.

By being so focused on specific characters and their individual journeys, viewpoints and motivation we really run the risk of not looking at the bigger picture and fail to see what the overarching narrative is actually communicating. And we may also fail to understand how characters might or might not fit into the overarching narrative.

Speaking of which …

 Thesis #2: Technoblade experiences very little Meaningfultm Thematic Conflict

Okay, let’s talk about Technoblade. I’m sure I’m not going to get any hate for this one.

I want to preface by saying that I don’t watch Technoblade’s streams; I catch up though clip channels and summaries. I’m mainly watching Tommy, Tubbo and Quackity – which is honestly already more than I can handle – but I want to be clear that while I’ll try to be as even-handed as possible – like I explained previously – the way I consumed the storylines will undoubtedly leave me with some bias.

Also, needless to say, I’m talking about the character Technoblade, not the actual content creator, unless I specifically say so. That should be obvious.

Now, I’m not doing a Technoblade character analysis, because that would be hypocritical of me – seeing how I just bitched about the overwhelming amounts of character analyses in the fandom – but I’ll try my best to summarize what is necessary.

Technoblade’s interesting in that he is a very static character – at least inwardly – he doesn’t change much. He is very steadfast in his beliefs and ideals and has very little introspection. He doesn’t question himself; he doesn’t waver, he is never in a bind about whether what he’s doing is right or wrong. He is very much a parallel to early TommyInnit – who, of course, famously said “I’m always in the right”.

And I want to emphasize that I mean this in no way as a critique of Techno’s character. A static character provides a nice contrast to more dynamic characters and can balance them out. It can also be utilised by the writing as a character flaw – which is what I hope content creator Techno is going for.

Like Techno doesn’t have a lot of empathy in the sense that he is particularly skilled at or interested in trying to see the viewpoints of others. There is never an attempt to reconcile, for example, the goal of the Pogtopians to reclaim L’Manberg and install another administration with his desire for an anarchist society. This is also compounded with his overreliance on violence as the only tactic for conflict resolution – Techno has a whole thesis statement about violence being the only universal language. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote.

And lastly, what really drives this all over the edge, is his all-or-nothing approach when dealing with the enemy – he is not so much eye for an eye as he is – to use another biblical example – you make fun of me for being bald and I’ll sic two bears on you that maul and kill you and 41 other children.

There’s also the open and completely unacknowledged hypocrisy of a self-described anarchist working together with a man that installs and dethrones Kings with his every whim – someone who – and I cannot stress this enough – hits about every box when it comes to the definition of tyrant.

So, what I’m saying is that Technoblade is the Dream SMP equivalent of Dick Chenney. C’mon you know it’s true! He will bomb that freedom into your country whether you want him to or not. That’s some cogent political commentary in the year 2021.

Okay, so now that I’ve outlined his character, what kind of conflicts does Technoblade face. Well, it’s mostly physical or external. He fights a lot whether it’s against Quackity or Sapnap or bodying Karl Jacobs five times in a row. And – with the exception of maybe Sapnap – none of it is challenging. Technoblade is the best PvP-Player on the server – there really isn’t much tension to be had from a purely physical fight.

So, how are these fights supplemented emotionally. Well, internally there is not a lot going on. As I said before, Technoblade isn’t really an introspective character. Even during his shouting match with Tommy there’s not a sense that Technoblade is wavering or unsure of himself in the way that Tommy is. He exposits that one of the reasons, he acts like he does is that he feels dehumanized; that people only use him like a weapon and then discard or even try to neutralize him once he’s no longer useful.

But that is not something that Technoblade has to grapple with – it’s not conflict for him, it’s more conflict for Tommy. Technoblade is self-assured in that he’s a person and not a weapon – it’s almost like there was a character arc there, where Technoblade self-actualizes and breaks away from the people that want to use him. But we didn’t see any of it. Technoblade unleashes the withers; then he goes into retirement because he wants to be, I suppose, and then he returns to violence as a reaction to the Butcher Army. There is a story of vengeance here, but not any conflict about being used. There is never a point where we see Technoblade come to this realization or comes to assert himself.

In season 1 there’s never a push from Pogtopia where the narrative frames them as exploiting Technoblade. He fights with them of his own volition, he gives them weapons and armour of his own volition. Nobody pressured Techno into procuring their inventory for the fight. And in Season 2, he’s the one to approach Tommy about their potential partnership – he is in the position of power here, explicitly not Tommy.

Like, I’m sorry, if this ruffles some feathers, but I really don’t see this arc where Technoblade is being used. There’s a story of misunderstanding and maybe co-dependency – but not of dehumanization. This entire line of thought seems to solely reference that moment, where Tommy says to Sapnap “I have the blade” during one of their wars – which, to base an entire emotional arc around that without any further set-up, is, and I’m sorry to say that, incredibly flimsy.

Okay, so we covered physical and emotional conflict? But what about conflict on the narrative level? Well, that leads me to my suprathesis …

 Suprathesis: The Narrative is Unclear on how it treats Technoblade … and that’s Not Good.

Here’s a Hot Take: The narrative of Season 1 treats Technoblade way less sympathetically than that of season 2.

Let me explain. The narrative of Season 1 revolves mostly around Wilbur and Tommy. The emotional fulcrum of the overall narrative is Wilbur’s rise and fall from Grace – and Tommy succeeding him as symbol of L’Manberg’s “special”-ness. Now I will talk about all that more in detail, when I talk about Season 1 of the Dream SMP. So, you’ll just have to go with me on this one for now.

Technoblade, by contrast, doesn’t really have much going on thematically in Season 1. He mostly exists as a sort-of utilitarian character – he is an accessory to make story beats happen. Like him executing Tubbo doesn’t open up any sort of thematic conflict involving him – on a character level it sets up antipathy between him and Tommy and it grants us some insight into how he operates with his violence speech – but on a larger-scale narrative level it really just shows how far Wilbur and Tommy have drifted apart in how they react to the event.

His biggest contribution is during the Season 1 finale, but even there he plays second fiddle to Wilbur. Not just because Wilbur does way more destruction with his explosion than Techno does with his Withers, but also because Wilbur had an emotional and thematic climax to his arc and by extension the entire storyline. Like Techno’s is a cool moment and very epic visual but in terms of thematic relevance, his Theseus-speech is really more set-up for Season 2.

And Season 1 is very unambiguous about L’Manberg being good and Tommy’s ideals ultimately being morally justified – I mean, they have a whole speech about it in the end and it was built-up throughout the entire Season – Techno is cast in a … less than sympathetic light. He is, if not a villain, then definitely an antagonist.

But with Season 2 the narrative is either uninterested in or not very clear on exploring Technoblade’s flaws.

Like ask yourselves: is Technoblade’s character ever consciously challenged by the narrative? Are his actions ultimately shown to not be in the right? Are his beliefs about government and power ever called into question? Are the negative consequences that his actions cause ever shown to be larger than the “good” he does?

I think what exemplifies this the most is how the Butcher Army event played out on December 16th. Now, during that event, the Butcher Army, which was comprised of Tubbo, Quackity, Fundy and Ranboo, managed to apprehend Technoblade, who at that point was living the quiet retirement life, and tried to have him publicly executed – without trial.

Now, smarter people than me have pointed out that the Butcher Army had a bevy of in-character reasons that can justify or explain their actions. And that’s definitely interesting, but as I said before, I want to get away from that and look into how the Butcher Army is treated on a narrative level. Because this is one of the few instances where the otherwise grey-loving Season 2 has some very clear narrative intent when it comes to morality.

The Butcher Army is very deliberately framed as almost cartoonishly corrupt and violent. They very forcefully investigate Philza, mock him and then put him under house arrest – and there’s just no remorse in the script even from normally sympathetic characters like Tubbo.

Compare and contrast with the Tommy-exile scene, which is also an act of moral ambiguity and is treated as such. And things get even worse once the Army arrives at Technoblade’s abode and attack him after he softly tells them that he has left that live behind him. They then proceed to take his horse hostage, mock him and execute him without fair trial – and I haven’t seen it but from live commentary I gathered that Techno really played up the whole softie-schtick before the Butcher Army arrived. I mean, before the big Technoblade vs Quackity fight, Quackity had whole villain monologue for Christ’s sake.

And even afterwards, the Butcher Army really plays up the corrupt angle with Tubbo proposing a festival as a guise to publicly execute someone. And again, I know that on an intradiegetic there’s nuances and it’s not really comparable to the Red Festival, but in combination with what the audience has seen up until that point and with how much it feeds into the already established themes of history repeating itself and becoming like your predecessors, it really does not paint a pretty picture of the Tubbo administration.

You can feel the heavy hand of the script on your shoulder, which is a feat seeing how – as discussed before – that’s not something that can be easily accomplished in this medium.

And that is what I mean when I say that Technoblade is not really challenged by the script and is in this case even emboldened by it. Because after this whole ordeal the thought of Technoblade taking revenge by destroying L’Manberg doesn’t seem like such an extreme response to the viewer – even though in my opinion, it is.

As of right now it is too early to say how the narrative will judge Technoblade’s actions in the future. Will they be framed as extreme but ultimately justified or perpetuating a cycle of ever-escalating vengeance? Will we ever see a government that’s not just at best misguided and at worst completely awful?

Ultimately, I believe and hope that Technoblade will be challenged by the narrative, mostly because a character that cannot, believably, be physically challenged, who doesn’t have any meaningful internal conflict about what he’s doing; and who does come out on the other side having everything he always believed in be proven completely in the right by the narrative, would be incredibly boring. Not just to watch but also to play as.

As it stands now, if the destruction Techno, Phil and Dream inflicted upon L’Manburg is framed as ultimately in the right, I would find it personally a distasteful message to send. I would ultimately say that the “correct” way to counter corruption in government is to completely obliterate the entire country. Like we’re not talking simply disbanding the government – that’s not what Doomsday was – we’re talking complete and utter annihilation. And that would be cynical and depressing. Like, call me a big softie, but even bothsidesing this argument would be bad.

Like, I’m not calling for Technoblade to be transformed into or treated a monster like Dream. But I personally feel like the narrative needs to acknowledge that the Doomsday was something that was taken way too far and that it ultimately brought more harm than good. And Technoblade needs to held accountable by someone who is not a cartoonishly corrupt government-official or who is in conflict with him anyway, like Tommy.

I thought Philza or Ranboo could do that but seeing how their storylines are progressing I don’t believe that will be the case. But who knows, maybe Captain Puffy will come through for us. We stan a Queen.

 Conclusion

So, yeah, I made this entire video just to air out my grievances with how one-sided the mode of analysis is in the fandom, because no person actually involved with the production of Dream SMP will ever see this.

But after everything I am cautiously optimistic, that content creator Technoblade knows what he’s doing. He has talked in the past about how his character is a bad guy and he loves his Greek myths. After all what’s more Greek myth than hybris being rewarded with punishment? [Technoblade never dies] That bodes well for him.

Also, this isn’t the video I promised at the end of the last one!

[nelllraiser]

the littlest pet swap | darwin & nell

TIMING: during the waking world potw (aka wonky magic times). LOCATION: the street outside darwin’s apartment + darwin’s apartment. PARTIES: @asranism & @nelllraiser. SUMMARY: a summoning gone wrong provides ample confusion for both darwin and nell, but mostly a lot of yelling in the street.

The sun had long slipped below the horizon as Nell opened the gate to one of the swankiest dog parks in town, though her slight form wasn’t accompanied by a canine of any sort. In fact, she looked entirely alone, a singled out figure in the low light of the street lamps while she opened the chain link gate of the park, satisfied with the emptiness of the enclosure. On nights like tonight she liked to make her way here, far after any other owners and dogs had abandoned the park so that her own ‘dogs’ could have as much fun as they liked without her needing to fear of the ruckus they might make should anyone catch sight of three hellhounds playing a game of fire tag, maws alight with flame as they chased after one another and playfully singed at each others fur. Raising her thumb to her teeth, she bit it until it bled, reopening a scab on it that had yet to heal from the last summoning of the hellhounds she’d performed. In a quick motion, she swiped the offering over the tattooed summoning sigil on her arm, a piece of magic she’d designed as a specific shortcut that would bring forth the demons she’d befriended some years ago. Except as the magic swelled and then ebbed, it wasn’t three hellhounds that stood before her but...something much smaller than she’d been expecting and- was it wearing a tuxedo? “Ah- hello,” Nell spoke to the mysterious demon with bewilderment, wondering where the hell her dogs were. “You’re not who I was expecting.” Had the unpredictability of her magic bled into this as well? 

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Nell, a hellhound materialized in the middle of a strange and unfamiliar kitchen, and the young demon known to the witch as ‘Scrappy’ instantly began to growl at anything that dared to move within his vicinity. And perhaps the most concerning thing within his vicinity was a man foreign to him. Instinct was quick to take hold as his hackles rose, and it only took a small second before he was advancing on the man, a loud and threatening bark showing razor-sharp teeth as he wordlessly demanded to know what it was the interloper had done with his mistress. 

Afternoon naps have never been a thing for Darwin Asrani, formerly the heir to the Asrani family business of subjugating demons for a quick buck, but things change, they always do, with his own escape and self-imposed exile from Asrani family dinners a testament of how the outgoing but sarcastic charmer isn't afraid to welcome change. Oh, how that statement is going to bite him in the ass in a few seconds. That, and something else. While Darwin was fast asleep, knocked out but comfortably so, deep in a dream of a better present where he wasn't running around, going after his family's mistakes, correcting them like he was responsible for their terrible choices in life, which he clearly wasn't, his tiny demon butler Bertrand was in the kitchen preparing its master his evening alcohol. Bertrand is of course Darwin's most loyal summon, a strange little demon who had a thing for wearing butler clothes, which in this context is a pretty charming tuxedo, and for some strange reason taking care of its summoner like the “Alfred” to Darwin's less gloomy and more fabulous Batman. Unfortunately for the two of them, that evening alcohol would not come to be, as something else stirred nearby, and soon Bertrand disappeared from where he stood, summoned elsewhere, while in his place a more terrifying and less clothed demonic entity stood growling at everything and anything.

"Bertrand, where the hell is my morning cock..." Darwin groggily walked into the kitchen, having finally awoken, in a sour mood after his fantasy was revealed to be nothing more than just that, a fantasy, not the actual reality of his own making. If he didn't have his sense of morality, the disgusting piece of him he liked to hide behind drapings of sarcasm and veils of flirting, he would have remained with his family, making a quick buck at the expense of other sentient creatures. It would have been an easy life, yet even as he made his way to where Bertrand should have been, he could not fully accept that option. Demons are scary, sure, and they are capable of damning things. But demons still have their own will. For another to bend that will to their own desires... Darwin could never accept that. Although, he would have considered the option as he gulped at the sight of not Bertrand in his kitchen, no, but a hellhound that looked like it didn't want to be there. At least they had something in common. "...tail?"

Everything happened so fast. Before Darwin could summon his own senses to return to him, his mind to conjure a plan or strategy of defensive measures, the hostile creature was upon him, chasing him out of his own apartment and into the cold dark night. Darwin could do nothing else but run, screaming, as the thought of his bits and pieces getting bitten to shreds was not something he wanted to come to pass. Fortunately for him, as the chase continued into the nearby dog park, he found Bertrand standing with lovesick eyes directed towards another, a woman with textbook attractiveness. Another spellcaster? "Bertrand! Quickly, rein in this monstrosity after me! I'm not wearing anything under my robe!"

“Hello?” Nell repeated to the newly appeared demon as it simply stood there, apparently transfixed on the young woman before him. Maybe he was in shock? She’d witnessed a few demons who experienced cases of confusion after being unexpectedly Summoned. After all, it was certainly jarring to be one place one moment and somewhere entirely else in the next. “Sorry- I didn’t actually mean to summon you here. Were you doing something important? I can send you back to wherever you needed to-” 

Her sentence was cut short as a panicked sound cut through the air, and it took the witch a long second to make sense of the words. Bertrand? Who the hell was Bertrand? And what monstrosity was the guy speaking of? “Oh shit,” Nell uttered as Scrappy tore after the man and his delicately robed state, flames licking the corner of the hellhound’s mouth as he barked and sprinted in hot pursuit. In an instant, Nell was tearing after the hellhound’s victim and the dog in question, her strides fast as she left the unfamiliar demon behind. “Scrappy! Scrappy, don’t! It’s okay!” The poor pup was no doubt startled, having shown up in a stranger’s presence with no familiar face in sight. “Scrappy come back! I’m right here! I’ve got fingers!” she yelled as she continued to run, referencing the emergency supply of human fingers she kept as treats for her assorted demonic creatures in her pocket. The hellhound seemed to hesitate for a split second, his pursuit of the man slowing at the mention of food. As a precaution, he tried to herd the man into a corner, gnashing his teeth and growling all the way as he made his attempts.

Well, Bertrand certainly took his time. Even though Darwin was sure that he emphasized his immediate concerns regarding his endangered bits and pieces, the supposedly loyal demonic butler seemed to wait a minute or more before dashing to its master’s safety. They were going to have a talk about that later, much later, when Darwin was once again certain that his own bits and pieces were 100% safe. Bertrand is going to have a lot of explaining to do, though technically it’ll probably only take a mere mention before they both forget about it. It wasn’t like Darwin actually required a butler, and Bertrand, in its defense, was doing the whole schtick out of love and nothing else. It was a strange relationship but it was the only one Darwin was comfortable in trusting.

“Bertraaaaaand!” Darwin yelled again, as quietly as he could, which was a bit of a hilarious contradiction, even as the tiny demon ran to his aid. The other human was already doing her best to keep the hellhound away from Darwin’s precious jewels, which made him think that it was most likely her own Bertrand. “Is this your...pet?” Darwin immediately hated that word. Pet. Demons weren’t meant to be pets. They were meant to be respected as the intellectual and ancient beings that they were and— Oh, my god, it’s about to burn my bits and pieces! 

“I’m not sure what happened, but I found your Scrappy instead of my Bertrand in my current place of residence.” He gulped, backed into a corner, and heaved a sigh of relief when he saw Bertrand finally making its way to his defense from the corner of his eyes. “Bertrand! Oh, dear god (ironic, he knows), I’m glad you’re safe! What happened? Why are you out here? Who’s that with you? And for the love of all that’s good and sexy, can YOU please not feed your Scrappy my fingers?! I need them...for stuff.” Darwin fired the series of questions in quick succession, still barely awake to actually make a coherent plan of defense, having just woken up from his afternoon nap, though it was already late at night, and violently at that.

Bertrand just stood there itself, a little panicked, shifting its gaze from Darwin to Nell and then to the hellhound, unsure of what to do. On one hand, Bertrand needed to save Darwin. On the other, it wasn’t quite sure if Nell would appreciate if it tried to fight Scrappy. Besides, Bertrand still had hope in his tiny demon heart that the other human could rein in their own friend. The last thing it wanted was to start another demon-on-demon violence. That was certainly not part of their current deal.

“Scrappy!” Nell continued on with her authoritative tone when it came to making the hellhound stand down. “Scrappy, it’s alright, really.” Much of this particular hellhound’s aggression was actually caused by anxiety and fear, and a need to appear as fierce as possible in the face of a potential threat. The demonic dog finally seemed to pause its attack, though his teeth were still bared, not quite ready to let Darwin forget he was a threat. “Scrappy is…” Nell hesitated with an answer to Darwin’s question, also disliking the title of ‘pet’ when it came to the creatures she looked after. If it came to it, she’d use the word ‘pet’ as a cover, not needing normal humans asking strange questions about the less than usual animals that surrounded her. But as the witch’s gaze flickered from the other, smaller demon, and the man in front of her calling him ‘Bertrand’ with a voice that betrayed familiarity, it wasn’t hard to guess that she was being faced with another spellcaster. “I take care of him, and he helps take care of me when I ask him to,” she said truthfully, rolling up a sleeve to show the summoning tattoo that she’d gotten for the hellhounds, making it easier to Summon them at the drop of a hat. It was inked over the extreme scarring of her arms, the skin of them appearing mottled like a patchwork of flesh. 

“And this is Bertrand?” Nell asked curiously, giving the little demon another friendly look. “Does he...speak? I tried talking to him before you ran out here, but he didn’t seem to have much to say.” With a gentle eyeroll, Nell crossed her arms over her chest before digging into her pocket. Scrappy, sensing a treat nearby, finally sat calmly at her feet. “I’m not gonna feed him your fingers. And I’m Nell, who are you? Do you always yell about your bits in the streets?” she decided to jibe playfully. But she was uncertain if the lightness would last. If this man was, indeed, another spellcaster— there was no guarantee he wouldn’t have heard news about the three sisters banned from their coven for necromancy and demon summoning, Nell being one of those three. Witch society was generally less than forgiving when it came to raising the dead, but perhaps he hadn’t heard, or perhaps she’d dodged that conversation by not providing her full name. Finally, she leaned forward to offer Scrappy a very human finger, and the dog eagerly gobbled the treat before sitting properly once again.

Darwin looked her over as she explained herself, mostly just her relationship with the hellhound Scrappy, as he wrapped his robe tighter around him in an attempt to stay warm out in the cold embrace of the night. He was now feeling a bit calmer with Bertrand finally standing beside him while the woman reined in her own companion. It didn't take long to dawn on Darwin how familiar the other spellcaster's relationship with Scrappy seemed with his own with Bertrand. Although Bertrand took a liking to acting and looking like the former Asrani family heir's butler, Darwin himself never really saw their relationship as master and familiar. Bertrand took care of him, even saved his life at one point, and for that, he will forever be grateful. It was most likely that very reason why he could not take to the demon as lesser than himself. Darwin owed Bertrand more than he'll ever care to admit, if only attempt to show through quieter actions. Like sharing pizza and interacting with him like he would any other. To be honest, Darwin probably treated Bertrand better than he did most humans. Without Bertrand, there would be no Darwin to this day.

He instinctively raised an eyebrow when the woman showed him her tattoo, dark brown eyes immediately trying to make sense of the handiwork as if there would be something more hidden beneath what they could see. Darwin thought of showing her his own tattoo but wasn't quite sure if that would be a good idea. The placement was, after all, somewhere more intimate and they were currently outside. Although he was certain that appearing to expose himself to another would be less offensive than having demonic entities prancing around in public, that didn't make him any less wary about that scenario. Thankfully, the woman's curiosity saved him, like the school bell to his hapless problematic student. "Yes, this handsome fellow's name is Bertrand." He turned to the tiny demon with a smile, both born of pride and affection. "Bertrand's my most loyal friend, though he often speaks only through the mind, which I suppose he reserves with known friends, those whose names and consent have been shared with him."

Bertrand himself turned to Darwin, and when their eyes met, nodded with a smile on his face. That moment was quickly ruined when Nell mentioned him yelling about his bits in the streets. While Bertrand was quick to hide his amusement, Darwin feigned a cough as he tried to hide his bits and pieces within his robe, which was barely doing a great job. "Well, you would, too, if you had just awoken from your drunken stupor, only to find an aggressive hellhound in your kitchen instead of your most trusted friend, and then get chased by that same hellhound into the night..." It was certainly an odd choice to summon a hellhound outside, but Darwin was yet to become familiar with this strange place, with its strange love for mimes and stranger disappearances, so who was he to know what was odd and what wasn't in White Crest? One thing he knew for certain, however, was that his bits and pieces were getting cold. "...I am Darwin, and I don't know about you, Nell, but I'd like to keep my bits and pieces warm. My place is, well, you probably already know. Feel free to follow me inside. I rarely have any company, so it might be a little too gloomy, but I just woke up, and I will most likely be up for a few more hours, so feel free to join me and my gloomy company where it'll at least be warm and our friends safe from..." He looked around them, an eyebrow raised, both emphasizing his point and making sure no one was eavesdropping on them. "...curious eyes."

With a nod to her and another to Bertrand, Darwin began to walk away, back inside his place. Bertrand himself waited on Nell and Scrappy with a wide smile, exactly like a butler waiting to usher in his master's guests. The sheer size of that grin would reveal to anyone how much Bertrand wanted to have guests and how few they ever got any. Of course, with a demonic butler and a host that had just arrived in town, the strange pairing wouldn't find it easy to have guests. This was a strange new town for them, and they were a strange new addition to the rest of the town. Besides, Darwin wasn't here to make new friends, but he was at least certain that the other spellcaster would not be his quarry. Perhaps, she would even be of great help to him and his cause.  

He had to know what the tattoo was based on his reaction as well as what it meant she was, and Nell wasted no time in pressing the matter of his own identity. “So you’re a spellcaster then, right?” There was a flicker of tentative hope in her words as she asked them, eager to meet another magic user that wasn’t a part of the coven she’d been banished from. Of course, there was no guarantee that news of her and her sisters' excommunication hadn’t reached other corners of witch society, along with the magic they’d done. Obviously demons most likely wouldn’t be a problem with this man, seeing as he had one accompanying him as well, but necromancy was a whole other can of worms, and one that was also heavily feared and frowned upon within magical circles. Not to mention there was the fact that Nell often utilized blood magic, another practice that was most often met with harsh judgement and heavy reservations when others heard she used it. For the moment being, she wouldn’t mention it.

Instead, she decided to say hello to Betrand once more now that she knew his name. “Hello, Bertrand,” she offered a proper greeting with a smile and small nod of her head. “It’s nice to actually meet you. And sorry for summoning you unexpectedly,” she apologized again, knowing it must have been confusing to find himself somewhere new and unexplained.” It was interesting that he preferred to speak mentally, and though Nell was very much wanting to speak with the little guy, she wasn’t quite so sure how she felt about letting him into her mind just yet. With her general desire to keep the inner-workings of her head private, and the consistent mind breaches she was courtesy of Ma’al’s demon cult...she had little desire to forfeit the scarce safety she had in her mind at the moment. But maybe the future would grant her the pleasure of having conversation with Bertrand, one way or another. “And hello Darwin,” she offered with another wry grin.

“I don’t know,” Nell began, once again adopting her teasing tone. “I think I’d be pretty excited to find a hellhound in my kitchen. A gift, really. Probably not running around like a madman while yelling about my bits and pieces and then still talking about them once everything had calmed down.” There was a mischievous sparkle in her eye that told of the levity in her words, no actual intent to harm behind them. She didn’t hesitate to follow behind him as he led the way into his dwellings, tilting her head to the side as she took in the practicality of the place. “How long have you lived here?” she questioned, curious as to how she’d missed another spellcaster that worked with demons. After all, they weren’t exactly common. Nell wasn’t entirely sure how to react to Bertrand acting as butler, feeling a little out of place as the demon flitted about. It felt...strange to use a demon as someone to wait on you, but for all appearances it looked as if the demon was enjoying his job, possibly even thriving as he did his work. If Bertrand liked what he did, who was she to question it? 

"Hmm?" The question didn't really surprise Darwin, as it would be pretty obvious to both of them that they shared at least an inkling of what the other was. Both of them had their respective demonic "partners", for a lack of a better term, and he just assumed that she, with that tattoo, was like him, if not better. She looked better, was better, because at the very least, she didn't just wake up, only to run away from a hellhound in just her robe. Speaking of robes, he wrapped his own tighter against himself, wary that his bits and pieces would be unintentionally exposed. He wasn't entirely into her, and all women for that matter, but it was still a matter of maintaining decency, the strange man in only a robe thought. "Just like you. Always good to find common ground with someone new..."

Bertrand simply smiled at Nell with an innocent, friendly sort of grin, the kind no one who wasn't well-versed with demons and their ilk would expect from such a creature. Yet so much would catch people by surprise, just by the fact alone that demons were as complex as humans, perhaps even more so. They were an ancient race, after all, and most knowledge about them barely scratched the surface. Type-casting didn't help. Darwin himself couldn't help but smile at her remark, her teasing, finding it a welcomed respite from the loneliness of having little to no other consistent human interaction, from Bertrand always saying yes and yes only to everything and anything. "That's fair. I did grow up with a hellhound. Sally. She was nice." Again, he tightened his robes against his skin. "Not long. We've just moved here." He answered without look back to her, already making his way to the makeshift bar in his living room. Bertrand, like the good and trustworthy self-appointed butler that they were, waited for Nell to get in before following after her and closing the door behind them.

Darwin was already preparing himself a drink when Bertrand appeared completely appalled at the vision of their master doing something for himself, while they were around. The demon wrangler, however, found their instinctive reaction as well as the horrified look on their tiny demon face somewhat amusing, waving Bertrand back to let them know he's fine with doing it himself. He pretty much didn't need Bertrand to wait on him every damn time but it was the demon's strange wish, a really confusing hobby that Darwin himself has yet to fully understand. He owed him his life, though, so he could never deny Bertrand whatever they wanted. Finally settled on a cocktail, a concoction of two different rums, a cherry brandy, a diet Coke, and Maraschino cherries, Darwin turned to Nell from behind the counter, grinning from ear to ear as he took a sip of his glass and offered her her own. "Bertrand doesn't drink." He raised an eyebrow, turning to the demon who grinned back, before continuing with a classic gender-based assumption that he didn’t wholly believe but thought was a pretty decent jumping point. "Tell me about yourself and your...coven. You're a witch, aren't you?" 

As Darwin confirmed the fact that he had magical abilities, Nell’s grin grew wider and more genuine, once again filled with hope at the prospect of having found a new spellcaster to take into her life. She had friends, of course. People she loved. And her sisters still knew what it was to wield magic. But to have a friend that was a spellcaster in her life again? That was something she’d missed more than she’d realized. Nell knew she was getting ahead of herself. After all, they’d barely even made one another’s acquaintance, but she couldn’t help the spark of hope that had lighted in her soul, nearly desperate to find someone like her that wouldn’t hate her. Just as quickly as the hope had blossomed, she watched it with a careful eye, trying to dampen it in the next moment as she reminded herself that she still didn’t know if he’d recognize her full name should she ever give, along with the ‘crimes’ attached to it. Still...she couldn’t help the excitement in her voice as she echoed, “Just like me. A Summoner and everything! Do you mostly do Summoning, then?” she asked, already burning with questions. 

Nell didn’t hesitate to return Betrand’s smile, and at the mention of a hellhound Scrappy whined from his place at Nell’s feet where he’d finally settled. To have a demon as part of the family in a household? Her mother and coven would have balked at the idea. “Really? All of your family likes demons, then?” It was a novel idea, and a reality she’d never thought to imagine based off most casters’ reactions to demons. “Oh- well, welcome to White Crest,” Nell offered with half the enthusiasm she’d had when asking about the hellhound. “You’ll find it’s...a very unique place the longer you’re here. And pretty fucking dangerous so just- watch you back, I guess.” It was only fair to warn the man what he was getting into. 

The witch accepted the drink with a quick, “Thank you” before taking a sip, and then promptly popping one of the cherries into her mouth. “Good for Bertrand,” Nell said with a chuckle. “Very responsible of him.” But the mention of a coven was quick to tense her shoulders along with her mouth. She should have expected it. How many times had she been told that a witch without a coven was barely anything at all? So of course another spellcaster would ask where her’s was. Nell opted to answer the simpler of the two questions first. “That’s me- a witch.” Her former excitement had waned, already dreading where this conversation might go. “And you’re…? Well- what do you call yourself?” Witch was generally thought of as a woman’s word in pop and normie culture, but she’d met plenty of men who went by the title as well. Now for the rest of her answer. “I don’t have a coven.” Anymore. She carefully opted to leave off the end of that reply, unwilling to ostracize herself so quickly. “There’s one in town, though. Mostly fire elementals.” It was her own former coven, and the very same one her mother had banished her from. “What about you? What about your coven?” Maybe she could turn the rides away from herself into his direction instead.

"Yeah, sure, mostly Summoning..." Darwin offered her a warm smile and a wink before taking another sip of his drink. Although he didn't feel like there was something about her that made her a little difficult trust, something suspicious, anything suspicious, the well-traveled demon wrangler had learned from his past experiences to keep unnecessary additional information from newly made acquaintances. At least at this point, he believed it was the right thing to do. "You could say that. We're all in the...business." He unintentionally turned to Bertrand, as if apologizing for the terms he used. Darwin had never wanted to be associated with the Asrani family name again, their savage and brutal business of wrangling demons and twisting them mentally to suit their financial needs, but he had yet to share who they were truly by name and he could still, in his head, pretend that he was from a better version of his own family. 

The momentary loss in thought, however, not to mention the more serious expression that possessed his face, might have hinted to the girl that there was more to his story, bits and pieces he'd rather not share for now, but he immediately tried to ensure to keep the conversation moving elsewhere. If it could even be a suitable distraction. "Thank you. So far, it's been, as you say, unique. I'll keep that in mind, though." At the sound of their name, Bertrand grinned before offering Darwin a quick bow and disappearing into the shadows. Truth be told, their makeshift master had no idea where they disappeared to whenever they were out of his sight, but Darwin would trust Bertrand with his life, as Bertrand themselves had been the only one responsible for extending it. 

"I fancy myself a demon wrangler. I seek out the more dangerous demons let loose by careless mages, intentionally or otherwise, rounding them up and settling them safely back home, wherever they believe that is." Throughout his explanation, his dark brown eyes maneuvered themselves onto the hellhound with her. Scrappy, wasn't it? The creature didn't seem like it was brought here against its will. In fact, it actually looked like it was enjoying the woman's company. Darwin grinned at that thought. "Well, isn't that another thing we have in common?" Darwin gave her a nod and ushered her towards the living room, sitting at the sofa, the unexpectedly lavish couch that took the middle of the room as its own. With another sip, he gestured for her to sit with him before continuing. "I'm not much of a coven kind of guy. I find them...stifling at times, suffocating even. I highly value my independence, though..." He gestured around himself, around them, emphasizing the loneliness of his place. "...it'd be nice to have some company every once in a while." 

For a moment or two, as their eyes met, Darwin considered poking around in Nell's head, wondering if she was hiding certain truths that he needed to know, if he should just take them for herself. It could be easy. She already had a drink in her hands. But then he got bored of pretending he was his damned father. He could never understand how that old bastard would ever think that was a good option, especially on his own son. What a fucking asshole. He heaved a sigh, mustered a weak smile, and took another sip of his drink.

His wink paired with the tone of voice and phrasing he’d used did little to assure Nell that Summoning was the only magic that Darwin did. It seemed that he was more inclined to withhold whatever other magic he was employing, and for a split moment she wondered if it might be blood magic. Perhaps the taboo nature of it was why Darwin was keeping the practice to himself. A year or so ago, Nell would have hesitated to ask, unwilling to reveal that she too was a practitioner of the questionable magic. But the year since then had taught her that if she were going to lose people for things she wouldn’t apologize for- it was easier to do so earlier in a relationship, to be cut loose before she got in too deep and their rejection would sting all the more. Beyond that she’d also learned that the bigger threat someone thought she might pose... the better. Perhaps if she’d been louder about her abilities, half the people that had tried to interfere in her life wouldn’t have done so in the first place. So it was with a straight back and almost daring air about herself that she said, “I also do blood magic.” Nell watched him for a long moment after that, looking for the familiar flicker of distaste of wariness that came over other spellcasters when she mentioned the discipline. 

A demon wrangler made sense based off the way he’d spoken of the otherworldly creatures, and the company he kept with Bertrand. Nell had done her own fair share of recollecting demons that were places they shouldn’t be. “That’s good. And trust me there’s plenty of demons to wrangle around here. Just a few months ago some highschoolers accidentally summoned Bloody Mary. Obviously she’s not a demon but- you get the idea.” Nell refrained from mentioning that two of the teens had died in the process of that entire ordeal. No doubt Darwin was well aware of the casualties that were practically guaranteed when inexperienced practitioners tried to Summon. “You don’t have a coven?” Nell asked again, her curiosity once again piqued. “You’re right about the rules, though. The one I mentioned before has banned any sort of demon summoning.” It had been part of the reason she’d been exiled, though only a fraction of it. 

Taking another sip of the drink he’d given her, Nell gave a half-grin at the mention of company, hiding the eagerness she was feeling at having found a spellcaster who wasn’t forbidden from speaking to her, and also wasn’t her sister. “Well if you keep making me drinks- I might be able to provide an answer to the occasional company problem you’re running into.” She still had so much to ask Darwin, but a whine from underneath the table told Nell that Scrappy was getting antsy, still not entirely comfortable with being in the presence of a stranger and his demon. “I should go take care of this boy, though,” she said before leaning down to give the hellhound a pat. “He’s not really good with company- which I’m sure you figured out when he was trying to bit your ‘bits and pieces’ off.” Her tease was accompanied by another grin, obviously taking amusement in using the phrase against him. “But maybe I could bring one of the more confident hellhounds by another time.”

Darwin almost choked on his drink when she revealed the other kind of magic she did. Hailing from a family of mental magic practitioners, which really never ends well when shared with a new acquaintance because humans have always been a paranoid lot, the demon wrangler had strangely little to no experience with actual blood magic and its practitioners. There was that one girl he befriended, the young single mother, but it was a disheartening affair, one that proved to be more dangerous to herself and to the ones around her. Right then and there, Darwin wondered if the same could be said for Nell. How lonely it must be then, and how painful, that one's magic can punish a practitioner beyond the rules of equivalent exchange. Then again, it must be the only appropriate rule for something as dangerous and painful as blood magic. Darwin took another sip of his drink to regain his composure. "That's interesting. I knew a girl who did that, too. She was...admirable."

"Bloody Mary? Really? High Schoolers?" Darwin shook his head, distancing his lips from the glass as they twisted into a playful smirk born out of disbelief that such young children could be capable of summoning bloody Bloody Mary but at the same time impressed of the act. He was also young when he started Summoning, though he focused mostly on smaller demons first. Then again, he was around their age, if he recalled correctly, when he first summoned a demon the size of a human, not unlike Bloody Mary herself in terms of height and number of limbs, though his was more fueled by lust than violent murder. That was also actually when he first realized he preferred men over women. "Did any of them survive?" His smile turned into a frown when he remembered the truth of the matter. Just because you can actually Summon, just because you got lucky in actually drawing someone else, something else, from their world to this one, doesn't mean what happens next will be harmless, profitable for you. Often, the novice, the inexperienced, dies from the ordeal or during the aftermath due to lack of assertion or impression. No one enjoys an unscheduled appearance, without their consent, in a lesser world.

Darwin simply shook his head at the question relating to his coven, the thought of his own family being akin to that to him...until his father tried to bend him, his mind, to their twisted capitalist bullshit. "Ah, but of course. Demon summoning and witchcraft don't always go hand in hand. Either often prefer to be focused on, unable to share their practitioners with one another." At this point, he was just blowing wind up his own ass. He didn't actually know if that bit was true, only that it made sense to him to be so. His grin returned at her tease, or at least what he perceived to be a tease, longer than before. Even though Darwin had his own preferences when it came to carnal pleasures, he enjoyed flirting, teasing, the art and science of which, most likely because it helped boost his ego, his confidence, in ways that he never could growing up, alone, without the familial support he subconsciously craved. 

"Of course, my love! Feel free to visit any time. Bertrand and I will always enjoy your company and that of your hellhounds." He offered her a grin as he stood, careful not to expose her to his bits and pieces, like the gentleman host that he believed himself to be. Gesturing towards the door, which Bertrand who just appeared from out of nowhere was quick to open, Darwin accompanied his lovely guest on her way out. He could've actually walked her home but it was getting too cold for his bits and pieces, and he was slowly getting too drunk. He did turn to Bertrand, though, and nodded, a gesture that meant the self-appointed butler would follow the witch back to her abode to simply ensure her safety. Not that Darwin believed she couldn't take care of herself, what with the blood magic and the hellhound at her arsenal. It was more like a routine that he half-remembered from his past before he had to escape, flee, a reminder his late mother always told him: Take care of friends and family, even if they never want you to. Well, Darwin was out of family, and Nell was the first friend he'd made in town. Might as well.

Nell waited with a steely gaze for Darwin’s verdict, ready to write off this newfound and tentative friendship here and now if he reacted negatively when it came to her blood magic. She didn’t need anymore people in her life that would leave her down the road, but it seemed that paranoia had been misplaced when he spoke of admiration. “She was?” Nell echoed, as if confirming she’d heard correctly. Obviously she had, and the thought filled her with another spark of tentative hope. “I’m sure she was, then. Admirable, I mean.” 

As for the highschoolers…”Just one,” Nell answered grimly, still holding some residual guilt for having been unable to save the entire lot of them. “Two of them died in the process, including the one who had the ability to Summon in the first place. I don’t think he knew, though- that he held the magic. He didn’t make a proper sacrifice and- well- the Summoning decided it wanted more. I’m sure you understand.” None of them were free of the chains of equivalent exchange, and sometimes the jailers demanded entire lives as a means of paying the price. 

But as Scrappy whined once again, Nell knew he was reaching his limit of being indoors and stationary, and in the presence of a man he’d chased down the street and was still not entirely certain of. “I really am sorry I have to go- there’s a ton more I wanted to ask. But I’ll probably also just message you once I’m home on the White Crest forum thing, and we can pick up where we left off. But I mean it about the drinks,” she reiterated with a grin, still wishful that this budding friendship might be a lasting one. “So be prepared for me to bother you about that within 2-5 business days.” Gathering up Scrappy, she made her way towards the door, giving Bertrand a nod of goodbye as well, not yet realizing that he’d be trailing her on the way home. “And I’ll see you, as well I hope.” With that she was making her way out of his apartment and onto the street, below, pausing with a small smile on her lips to let herself bask in the potential promise of another spellcaster in her life that didn’t hate her guts. Even though she still wasn’t sure how the demon mixup had occurred, that worry could be kept at bay for the moment being with the knowledge that she’d started something new out of it. 

[archiviststatement-a]

Please explain the For Dummies version of how Jon consumes / uses fears cause I saw a mention and I have vibrating eyes emoji but no context 😂

NOTE: personal blogs please don’t r/b!

well NOW you’re assuming that I know how it WORKS sdkjfnsdnf

the gist of it is that... okay, fuck. time for a LOT OF CONTEXT.

WARNING: spoilers for TMA seasons like... 1-4??? sort of??? it’s super vague but it does kind of spoil some of jon’s character arc skdfdfn

disclaimer: everything i’m about to say is grouped into all these neat categories (”Fear Entities”, “The Fourteen Fears”, “Avatar vs Human” etc) but canonically these distinctions are arbitrary and man-made; there’s a lot of overlap. trying to separate some fears from each other is like trying to distinguish between mental health diagnoses. they’re all co-morbid--though some do cancel each other out, in certain circumstances.

the fun thing is that this leaves a LOT of room for crossovers etc that don’t have to sacrifice their own canon to fit in with TMA’s - TMA, for example, has its own vampires that are very different to most others, but there’s no reason BOTH can’t exist, etc.

ANYWAY.

basically there are these Fear Entities that are representations of the things living things as a collective fear the most. a few examples: the Hunt (fear of being prey), the Eye (fear of being watched/having secrets exposed), the Web (fear of manipulation/fear of having no control).

the Entities are sometimes referred to by their avatars or human followers as gods, but it’s likely that they aren’t like... sentient or anything like that. they’re just Fears made manifest. that’s it. they’re more like unknowable eldritch horrors than anything else, with emphasis on the “literally unknowable/incomprehensible” part.

through his work with the Magnus Institute, Jon spends a lot of time reading pre-written statements from people about their supernatural experiences--aka their encounters with various Fears. he collects in-person statements too, but far less often in his early years, and it’s the written ones that are instrumental to uh... what happens to him.

TLDR: his own thirst for knowledge and Needing To Know(TM), as well as his affiliation with the Institute in general, results in him becoming aligned with the Eye (very much against his will, up to a certain point).

he ‘feeds’ on statements; the fear in them, the knowledge they bring, etc, makes him stronger, and without them, he becomes weak and hungry. same applies to if he ventures too far from the Institute in certain verses (as in, leaving the country).

with the written ones, he just has to read them out loud, so there’s no real issue there. with the in-person ones, though--actually let me just fucking copypaste from the wiki here because it sums it up better than i can.

Compulsion - The Archivist is able to compel others to answer a question or give a statement. It is implied that it can be taken a step further and compel someone to physically do something against their will. It is possible to resist the compulsion, but almost everyone who has successfully resisted has been affiliated with an Entity or is an Avatar themselves.

Archivist's Presence - When the Archivist is present in the Archives, statement givers are able to eloquently and coherently tell their stories in a narratively interesting statement, regardless of their background or emotional state. This is highlighted in MAG 100 when John is absent from the Archives and cut off from the Beholding. The statement givers tell short, curt statements, often going off-topic or needing encouragement to tell details.

Reliving Nightmares - After statement givers tell their story to the Archivist, they frequently relive their experience in a nightmare, sometimes taking on the roles of the creature they saw. The Archivist shares these dreams and is always present to the dreamer, observing the events giver but never interfering.[27][16] Elias Bouchard reveals in MAG 120 that John has these dreams every night, cycling through those who have given their statements. Institute employees and other avatars are exempt from these dreams.

THERE YOU GO. local man forces people to relive their supernatural traumas for him because he’s HONGRY (though this is rare/only applies to later seasons; i usually write him when he’s in like seasons 1-2, where he’s taking the statements of people who specifically came to give them. I DO WANT TO WRITE LATER SEASONS JON THOUGH i just default to earlier seasons for folks who havent heard the show etc most times).

[greyknighterotica]

NOTE- I tried to submit this anonymously but its like 4 times over the word count, and I decided not to be a coward and let you see who I am instead 😬😬 buckle up and grab a beverage because this is long and I’m sorry 😭🤣😅.

Hi Jack! HUGE fan here. My name is Nate, and this is going to be a bit different than the messages you’re used to, I think XD. First off, I want to say that I have been a listener of yours on and off for about four years I think? I found your tumblr shortly after I turned 18 I believe. Getting to hear you call me babygirl and learning about the world of BDSM through your incredible audios was so meaningful to me, and I’m had had a lasting impression on what turns me on/how I touch myself tbh /.\.

However, in that same span of time, I started to realize that I was not a cis female as I had always thought I was. For a while I was IDing as nonbinary, then I met my boyfriend-now fiancé, and last spring I came out as trans masculine, amidst much inner turmoil. So why is this relevant to you? As someone who is pansexual, aka attracted to all genders/attracted regardless of gender, I cannot deny how compelling you are, the way it feeling as if you aren’t talking to me, or even to my body per say, but like you found some sort of direct line to a part of me that is so deep and anchored within me that the instant I hear your voice, I relax and I know exactly what is about to happen. That said, it became increasingly more difficult to listen to your content as I started to notice how being addressed as female and using she/her pronouns etc made me uncomfortable in day to day, but also in a sexual context. Now I obviously do not expect you to chance what you’re doing, if I’m no longer the target demographic. I totally accept that. But to be honest? Those moments listening to your podcast way back when were really important in me figuring out who I really am. Also, that I am an absolute people pleaser in the bedroom, that I am waaaaay kinkier than I ever would have dreamed, and also that I have a Daddy kink that goes both ways depending on who I’m with ;). I try to channel your charisma and charm when I’m dominating someone, and I’ve only had the best results.

I guess all of this is just to say, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my......heart (and clit, lets be real) for being so incredible, so sexy, and so genuine!! I still go back and listen sometimes because I’m still hooked like everyone else, and because you are truly so daaaamn good at what you do. If you were ever open to writing/potentially commissioning a piece or two with no gendered language, (can’t promise I’ll be able to afford it tho so I won’t promise you money that I don’t have, and I support artists w/o expecting free shit), I’d be back in a heartbeat <3. That said, I truly hope that you are doing well and that this doesn’t come off as creepy! You aren’t into dudes (far as I know), and I respect that and wouldn’t want you to be attracted to me if that were the case (bcuz thatd be transphobic), so I will leave it there and I hope you have a wonderful weekend Daddy!!

PS- depending on how you respond to this, I may still submit some really hot pics i took yesterday (my ass and tits won’t quit despite me being a dude, lmao). 🥰😘💖

The question comes up from time to time, ‘why erotica for women?’ And it is especially poignant when mixed in with ‘but you are so good at not describing things like skin tone’ and ‘but you seem so open...’

So while I dearly hope you can continue to be a fan, all people who identify as non-binary or they/them or genderless or whatever manifestations of personality become commonplace--I have to make art for me.

Usually I’m pretty good at being on the dot with this. In 2020, you’ve seen the strain, and in periods where I’m just not feeling myself, I take time off.

The recurring them however is--I have to feel like me to make things. Without trying to be arrogant, let’s face it. I’m smart, and if I wanted to be, I could be a really canny liar. I could come up with good and convincing lies to present about how I feel or why.

I made a choice at the very beginning of this to not do that. To be more real than not.

Without getting into too many details, this has meant not seeing a number of clients who would happily see me again, not going after business relationships with people who misrepresent themselves, not phoning it in on pieces I make for easy money.

This is a long way of saying, I’m me. I choose to be me, in a way I fear many people choose not to be true to themselves in their day to day lives.

I want you to like my work, I want you to keep me as a fan, I want to turn you on.

Here’s a list of other things people said I must do to keep them as a fan:

- Make Male on Male audios, or else I’ll tell everyone you’re....

- Make porn where the woman Doms you, or else...

- Say you’ll do anything for money. If you don’t I’ll....

- Say you enjoy blood/scat/urine/rape, because if you don’t you’re not...

- If you don’t make me cry by abusing me, are you really a Dom?

- Take that opinion back, if you don’t, I’ll stop being a patron and I’ll...

- Say BLM or I’ll.... (On this one I relented, I still regret it, being made to even if I agreed with the sentiment).

I hope you see my point. Every day in my inbox is another person telling me what I must be to be right, while at the same time also telling me that they are only reaching out because I reach them.

I wish you nothing but happiness, but no, this is erotica for women, because I am a man who is sexually attracted to women. And that, in erotica, is exceedingly rare. It is very, very rare. Because if you haven’t noticed? Most men who do what I do, are not only worse at it, but also will say anything to anyone for a little more attention (money).

I’m a man who’s attracted to women.

I have made no mistake in it, and I am not required to pretend to be anything else.

[thenightling]

LGBT+ Neil Gaiman characters

All right.  Let’s begin.  This is a long list so I’m bound to accidentally leave a few out.  Feel free to correct me if you think of one or two I may have forgotten to list.

April Spink and Miriam Forcible from Coraline (couple.)  

Angela (Lesbian). 

The character Neil Gaiman created for Spawn is Angela.  Angela is now owned by Marvel.  Angela is a lesbian in a loving relationship with a transwoman named Sera.

Salim and The Jinn from American Gods (Couple).

This relationship got nominated for a GLAAD award.  

Sam Black Crow in American Gods (Bisexual)

Snow White (Lesbian) Snow White (Yes, the fairy tale character) is the lesbian protagonist of The Sleeper and the Spindle, which is a sort of crossover fanfiction of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty that Neil Gaiman wrote as a short story.

Captain Shakespeare in the film adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s Stardust (Gender nonconforming.)

His sexual preference is ambiguous but he loves feminine, soft, and pink things including womens clothing, hairdressing, and theatre. He also leads a band of cutthroat pirates who follow him loyally so there is that.    

Loki (Loki)

There’s Loki in Neil’s book on Norse Mythology.   Loki also appears in American Gods and The Sandman.

There’s also quite a few LGBT+ characters in Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, which include (but are not necessarily limited to):

Paul and Alexander Burgess (male couple).  

It should be noted that Alexander and Paul were clearly in an open relationship (Polyamorous?) in the 1960s (With Alexander Burgess likely being panasexual) and they are now exclusive to each other by the end of Sandman: The Wake.

Judy (lesbian). 

Judy was, unfortunately, phyiscally violent with Donna and it cost her the relationship.  Judy died along with several other character at a diner when John Dee (Doctor Destiny) got a hold of Morpheus’ dream stone.

Donna AKA Foxglove (lesbian). 

Donna is Judy’s ex-girlfriend but she ultimately found happiness with Hazel.  

Hazel (lesbian).

 Hazel had a one night stand with a man that resulted in pregnancy. She did not really enjoy it and now she and Donna (Foxglove) raise the baby together after having overcome many relationship issues.  The baby was named after Wanda (the transwoman character).  Since the baby was a boy they named him with Wanda’s deadname to remember her (Personally I think Wanda should have just been his middle name. Wanda hated the name Alvin).     It should be noted that Donna and Hazel’s love story (which starts in Sandman: A Game of you) got a spin-off comic called Death: The Time of your Life and that comic won a GLAAD award for representation in the mid-90s.    

Cluracan (Bisexual.  Possibly panasexual by modern standards.),

Wanda (Transwoman). 

Desire (Genderfluid and panasexual).    Desire is the living embodiment of desires, good and bad desires.  One moment they might want your death, the next they’re helping save the universe.  Desire can be male, female, both, or neither at will.   

The Corinthian (gay), 

John Constantine  (Bisexual.) Though not originally created by Neil Gaiman he was written by Neil Gaiman in a few stories.  Including his appearance in Sandman.

Lucifer Morningstar. (Complicated.) Lucifer Morningstar (like all of Neil Gaiman’s angels) is depicted as having no true biological gender in both The Sandman comics and in Lucifer’s own solo comics.  Lucifer presents as male and uses male pronouns.  He self-identifies as male but many other angels don’t really consider themselves as male or female despite how they present themselves.   

In the TV adaptation of Lucifer he is portrayed as having male and female lovers.  It should also be noted that in the comics Lucifer was physically modeled after biseuxal rock star, David Bowie.  

Mazikeen (Female identifying.  Bisexual) Mazikeen is a female-identifying demon portrayed as bisexual in both the TV show Lucifer and in Lucifer’s spin-off comics.  In Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman she was Lucifer’s lover.

Eve (Bisexual)

Eve appeared in Neil Gaiman’s Sandman and in Lucifer as well as American Gods.   In the Lucifer TV series she is portrayed as bisexual.

Note: Eve can change her age and appearance at will.   Sometimes she’s young, sometimes she’s old.  Sometimes she’s middle aged.  And though she’s often appeared as white (such as in Sandman), she is black in the newer Sandman Universe comics, and in Good Omens.  

Various angels.  (Diverse)

This one is a little complex.  Many of Neil Gaiman depictions of Angels do not actually identify as male or female though many of them present as male.  

Anatomically they are without gender unless they will it to be otherwise. Many of them have taken male and female Earthly lovers.   You can see Lucifer depicted without physical gender in Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman, and other angels depicted similarly in the Lucifer solo comics that spin-off from Sandman.  

Pollution from Good Omens (Non-Binary)

Aziraphale and Crowley in Good Omens (Couple. Demi panromantic celestial?)  

Neil Gaiman does not personally view Aziraphale and Crowley in Good Omens as gay because they only present as male but aren’t truly male or female by nature. He has also said he does not view a male and female presenting angel couple as straight either for the same reason.  He has said “I never said they are not queer.” just that he wouldn’t use the word gay for them.

I know that’s not all of them but there you go.   A list of LGBT+ characters created by Neil Gaiman.

And before I get a stupid hate-DM about how Wanda is “transmisogynist” because you read a Mary Sue article by someone who doesn’t understand context, understand this.   There was no Trans representation when Wanda was created.   She can’t follow a stereotype.  The stereotype didn’t exist yet.   She had not medically transitioned and ask yourself if you find her problematic just because she isn’t the conventional idea of feminine in her bone structure and height (Something even cis women have to struggle with).   Yes, Wanda died but it was to show the cishet readers of 1992 that her soul was always that of a woman.  There are still people today (even some Trans people) who don’t think you really count unless you fully medically transition. Wanda was scared of surgery but that shouldn’t matter.  She was always a woman and that was the point Neil was trying to make.

Yes, Wanda’s family was transphobic.  They were supposed to be seen as transphobic.  Also Thessaly AKA Larissa and George are NOT supposed to be seen as good people.  They are supposed to be seen as Transphobic. Thessaly is a pretty horrible person in The Sandman comics. She’s selfish and kind of homicidal.  She represents the cold, self-absorbed immortal Morpheus used to be like.   And before you try to argue “Just because Transphobia is real doesn’t mean Neil has to depict it!” (and yes, I’ve been given that argument while defending Neil Gaiman) ... Before you argue that, I want you to know something.

A Transman friend of mine was deeply moved by Wanda’s story because he went through similar.  His parents still deadname him and misgender him on birthday and holiday cards and gifts.   They never disowned him but they want to pressure him to “realize” he’s a woman.  When he saw that Wanda went through similar, especially at her own funeral, he no longer felt so alone.   Wanda may well have saved his life.  So yes, I will defend that “problematic” character who died nobility and who was used in the early 90s to teach cishet readers that Transwoman (medically transitioned or not) are still women.  Also, Neil is NOT accountable for how the story was drawn.  He’s not the illustrator.  So stop using the artwork to claim he’s homophobic.  A comic book writer essentially writes a script and then it is up to the illustrator to draw it as best they can.   By the way, the illustrator of Sandman: A Game of You (Where Wanda came from) was Colleen Doran, who was nominated for a Gaytastic Spectrum award in 2001.     

Stop looking for reasons to hate one of the only men who has been trying to give the LGBT+ community representation since the 1980s.

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

[muthaz-rapapa]

Idol Precure Series: A Gratuitous Costume Parade

Because that is literally what this is. An excuse to dress everyone up in cute clothes. 

Not complaining, though. The girls look fabulous~

Anyways, y’all aware they were grouped together because of what their civilian identities have in common, right?

Well, that’s how I see it so I typed this up so I can use it for reference later.

Initially, it was just a companion (?) piece to this StarPre prediction post (therefore, the StarPre girls haven’t been included yet so go check out that post until they are) but now I’ll come back to edit/update it again when more new stuff is released or I find better quality pictures.

I also have some ideas for possible new groups if they ever add or mix-and-switch the current ones but that’ll be on another post altogether to avoid confusing myself, ahaha~

Anata no kokoro o mitoshi-tai (Team “I see through your heart”)

Members: Yukishiro Honoka, Hanasaki Tsubomi, Tsukikage Yuri, Shirabe Ako, Yakushiji Saaya

At a glance, it seems like they put all the smart ones together but it’s really because these girls all wear glasses.

Yep, the meganekko group.

I mean, they are smart but the key point here is clearly the glasses. Which is a tad bit of a shame because I feel like that (moe aspect) takes away from recognizing them for their intelligence first.

On another note, interestingly enough, I believe there’s a play on words with their unit name. If you say it out loud without knowing the context, it really sounds like “I want to look into your heart”. Can someone confirm this? My amateur Japanese isn’t enough to explain it eloquently.

Others who can fit into this group: Hishikawa Rikka

Bunbu Ranbu (”Martial Dance”)

Members: Myoudouin Itsuki, Aoki Reika, Yotsuba Alice, Hikawa Iona

Martial arts practitioners.

Also, I’m pretty sure Reika knows some kendo along with kyūdō since we’ve seen her wielding a giant ice sword as Cure Beauty multiple times throughout the franchise. We just didn’t see her do it in civilian form. Hmm. :/

Others who can fit into this group: ...

Eternal Moment

Members: Higashi Setsuna (Eas), Akagi Towa (Twilight)

Former villainesses who turned good and became a main heroine.

I’m so glad they didn’t forget about their evil alter-egos cuz Eas and Twilight (or perhaps just Twilight) can be considered separate characters in their own rights so it’s nice to see them show up in advertisement again every once in a while.

Hmmm, their name though... it looks like this unit might only be intended for two people (”Eternal” for Towa and “Moment” for “Setsuna”).

That is, unless they add onto it like HNMH (see below) if they plan to include more girls into this category. If so, then...

Others who can fit into this group: Kurokawa Ellen, Lulu Amour

Mystic Diva

Members: Kurokawa Ellen, Kenzaki Makoto

Haresora Concerto (”Clear Sky Concerto”)

Members: Minazuki Karen, Hojo Hibiki

Haresora Concerto with Mystic Diva (collab?)

Additional members: Tategami Aoi

Girls with strong affiliation to music...I think?

We saw Karen playing the violin in Yes!5 Precure’s OP and her parents are famous musicians themselves (just like Hibiki’s) but I can’t recall if she ever played any instrument during any particular episode in Yes! 5 or Gogo(?). Anyways...

Mystic Diva contains those who are renowned singers from another world (I don’t think Ellen sang much after she sorta permanently remained in human form but as Siren, she was one of the top contenders next to Hummy to sing the Melody of Happiness so there’s that).

Haresora Concerto obviously are for those who practice classical instruments.

Finally, the collaboration...is it a collaboration or did they really merge the two units together? If not, then Aoi will still need to be assigned to a group and if we’re going by the above criteria, she doesn’t fit into either one (Mystic Diva isn’t really her style anyway and she’s long given up the violin to play the guitar).

Maybe they’ll come up with another unit specifically focused on the rock genre in the future cuz we have Emiru and Lulu now so that’ll be enough to start one.

Others who can fit into Mystic Diva: Lulu Amour (+ guitar) [??]

Granted, Lulu didn’t sing before she arrived in present day Hugtto but she did say she’s going to bring music back to the future so...why not count that and the future as “another world”, hmm?

Others who can fit into Haresora Concerto: Yotsuba Alice (piano), Haruno Haruka (violin), Akagi Towa (violin), Kaidou Minami (violin) [??]

I don’t really associate Minami with music even though she is skilled at playing the violin. It’s just that compared to Towa and Haruka where the violin played a significant part in their story arcs, Minami and the violin is more secondary (pfft, not even) to her connection with the sea. But then again...Karen is in this group so I dunno :S

Did I forget anyone else who plays a classical instrument? I feel like I’m missing someone...

Others who can join the collab: Everyone listed above + Kasugano Urara (singing), Aisaki Emiru (singing, piano, violin and guitar)

Haruka Nozomu Mirai no Hana (”Wishing for the Flower of the Far Off Future”)

Members: Yumehara Nozomi, Haruno Haruka, Asahina Mirai, Nono Hana

The dream chasers.

And by far, the unit I find the most aesthetically pleasing. ^^

Also, I feel like some people would try to argue that Mirai “didn’t have a goal and therefore, she doesn’t belong in this group” so as she is my beloved daughter, I need to make them eat the dirt of their WRONGNESS.

Because MahoPre’s epilogue obviously showed her trying to find a way to reunite with Riko and Ha-chan, aka bring their two worlds together again, so that definitely counts as her dream (not to mention, the most ambitious one out of everybody else’s in this group). Furthermore, if you actually watched MahoPre more closely, you would know her dream of the two worlds coming together came to her gradually rather than happening at a particular moment and was solidified after she had to separate from her team after the Big Boss fight in the finale.

And you know what? Her wish was fulfilled in the end so y’all can suck it. :P

Others who can fit into this group: ...

Home Maid

Members: Kujo Hikari, Minamino Kanade, Madoka Aguri, Omori Yuko, Usami Ichika, Arisugawa Himari

Cooking or maybe, more accurately, sweets enthusiasts? *makes side eye at Aguri*

Well, besides that, they also either helped out at a restaurant or provided a service that had something to do with food (tea ceremony in Aguri’s case).

Hence, the “maid” part, I guess...

...but if so, then this is a poster for a maid cafe, not an idol unit! :P

Others who can fit into this group: Hyuuga Saki (family runs a bakery) [?], Akimoto Komachi (family runs a Japanese confectionery shop) [?], Hino Akane (family runs an okonomiyaki restaurant) [?], Haruno Haruka (family runs a Japanese confectionery restaurant) [?], Kotozume Yukari (learned from her grandmother how to perform tea ceremonies) [?], Kirahoshi Ciel (owns her own sweets restaurant), Nono Hana (grandparents ran a Japanese confectionery shop)

With the exception of Ciel, a lot of “?” cases here because similar to the Karen/Minami in Haresora Concerto, their main interests don’t particularly lie in cuisine and most of them never stated any intention of carrying on their family business. So it’s really up to whether you want them in this unit or not. Personally, I think Home Maid has enough members already so...

Oh and Hana was crossed off the list since she became the president of her own company at the end of Hugtto.

M.V.P.

Members: Misumi Nagisa, Hyuuga Saki, Natsuki Rin, Hino Akane, Midorikawa Nao

This one’s self-explanatory. Athletes. Sporty types.

Not much else to say.

Others who can fit into this group: Hojo Hibiki, Kagayaki Homare (?)

Yes, while Homare does participate in a sport, singles figure skating is mostly an individual event so the MVP title can’t really be applied to her. I guess that was the reasoning behind why she wasn’t placed in this group even though that’s what she’s most known for.

Osha-Revolution

Members: Kurumi Erika, Shirayuki Hime, Kagayaki Homare

The fashionistas!

This is my most favorite idol unit name out of all the others not only because it sounds like the most cleverly thought out but also because just hearing the word “revolution” gets the legendary Utena Revolution OP playing in my head again. *jams to the beat*

Thankfully, it’s got no connection to this idol series cuz *GAAASP*......*whispers* no.

Anyways, I’m glad it’s universally agreed upon that Erika and Hime would get along like five runways crisscrossing simultaneously at Fashion Week. Adding Homare to this lineup is appropriate because she’s always being complimented for dressing so stylishly.

Also, having someone as tall as her stand in between Erika and Hime like a giraffe hanging between two Hyacinth Macaws, lol is really...picture perfect.

Others who can fit into this group: ...

Secret Lives

Members: Mimino Kurumi, Hanami Kotoha, Kirahoshi Ciel

Mascots who can transform and became one of the main heroines in their respective seasons.

I like their aesthetic, too. Even though they give off cute vibes as much as any of the other idol groups, there’s still a “mystery” air about them.

Others who can fit into this group: Kurokawa Ellen (?)

Ermmm...Ellen was a mascot but she wasn’t aligned with the good side in the beginning. And after she became a Cure, she didn’t revert back to cat form again... *shrug*

Soushi⇄Souai (”Mutual Love with Creativity”)

Members: Mishou Mai, Akimoto Komachi, Hoshizora Miyuki, Kise Yayoi

Those whose strongest weapon is the pen (or brush) in their hand. Or something like that? I was trying to go for something more artful but I guess not. :P

This group’s name gave me a little trouble in translating but I think what I settled for in the end gets the idea across well enough. They love creating so much that they’ll be rewarded in kind with lots of inspiration.

...which sounds a bit unfair for everyone else suffering creative blocks but okay.

Others who can fit into this group: Nono Hana

Triple Heart

Members: Momozono Love, Aida Mana, Aino Megumi

The love-obsessed.

Not much else to say here either.

Others who can fit into this group: ...

Up to Me

Members: Aono Miki, Izayoi Riko, Kotozume Yukari

The Ladies.

At least that’s what I like to think them as. “Up to Me” gives off the impression of a very decisive person. Along with how mature they act, these girls fit that description to their own special degrees.

Like, Miki is very focused on her modeling career and confident she’ll go far, Riko has good work ethic and always aims for her goals and Yukari is, well, good at almost everything and is also a very “my pace” kind of woman.

...they all have purple hair, too, so I’m wondering if that’s another prerequisite for being added to this unit.

Others who can fit into this group: Tsukikage Yuri, Kenzaki Makoto (?)

Yuri would fit in no problem but Makoto I’m still teetering back and forth on...

Urara*Kirara

Members: Kasugano Urara, Amanogawa Kirara

Ra♪Raa♪Raaa♪Raaaa♪Raaaaa♪ Suīto Suīto Puri-Kyu=AH♪

Girls who aspire for the stage (acting and signing for Urara and modeling for Kirara) and have “-rara” in their names.

If that’s the case here, guess this is another unit meant for anyone who fits those limited criteria. Otherwise...

Others who can fit into this group: Aono Miki (modeling), Kenzaki Makoto (singing)

White Coat Angels

Members: Yamabuki Inori, Hishikawa Rikka, Kaidou Minami, Kenjou Akira

Those with a future in medicine.

But Minami...hmm, well, though it was never clearly stated what her profession was (I don’t think?) when she grew up, she could’ve gone on to become a wildlife veterinarian after she achieved her degree in marine biology so yea, she counts.

Others who can fit into this group: Minazuki Karen, Yakushiji Saaya

Exclusive??

Kiratto! Open to All

Members: Kira Kira Precure a la Mode

Twin Love

Members: Aisaki Emiru, Lulu Amour

Pretty damn sure the first one was made specially just for KiraPre. No other girls sport blatant animal imagery on them. Plus, there’s no point in including anymore members than how many this group already has.

As for Twin Love, it’s a canon idol pair unit in Hugtto. Adding anyone else in it would not make it “Twin” Love anymore.

So that leaves the question of where Emiru and Lulu will go in the next series, I guess. Though I’m sure they’ll stick together wherever they’re assigned.

Side B

Royal Road

Members: Kokoda Koji (Coco), Natts, Ouji Masamune, Prince Kanata

Fairy Five

Members: Amai Shiro (Syrup), Pop, Raquel, Lance, Aroma

Did anyone else think that “Side B” also stood for “Side Boys” before Dark Party was released? (And yes, I know what a B-side track is so you don’t have to tell me)

Anyways, Royal Road is obviously for the prince characters (though I don’t think they really needed to add Ouji-senpai since he’s just a minor recurring character, not supporting but whatever) and Fairy Five is for the younger male mascots who can transform.

Others who can fit into Royal Road: Prince Zeke, Wakamiya Henri, Aisaki Masato (?)

If Dark Dream can join an idol unit despite being a movie-only character, then I don’t see why they can’t integrate Prince Zeke into this unit as well. All that matters is how popular or memorable he was in HaCha’s movie because everyone who was picked out for Side B had to have had an impact on the audience one way or another. But at least Zeke makes more sense than Ouji-senpai.

Henri needs no explanation as he is the “Prince of the Ice” but if you want a prince to accompany his occasional “princess” role, including Masato wouldn’t be a bad idea. Though I still think Masato’s more of a knight than a prince.

Others who can fit into Fairy Five: Kuroro (?)

Granted, Kuroro only got a human form by combining powers with Lock in the final battle of Go!Pri and hasn’t technically earned it yet since he only begun fairy training when the season ended...but if he can, why not?

The Enemy Boys

Members: Irisawa Kiriya, Luntarou (Wolfrun), Kurosu (Close), Rio (Julio/Pikario)

Off-White

Members: Soular, Westar, Phantom, Shut

“The Enemy Boys” ...more like “School Infiltrators” since they were the few among villains to pose as students in order to get closer to the Cures.

Off-White consists of bishounen villains who eventually came around to understanding and siding with the good side. Which explains the “off white” part, I guess, since it wasn’t an immediate reform for them but a more gradual one that needed a lot of persuasion and thinking.

Others who can fit into The Enemy Boys: ...

Others who can fit into Off-White: Charaleet

Precure Legendary Heroes

Members: Cure Fire (Ban Kenji), Cure Sebastian (Sebastian)

Dark Party

Members: Dark Dream, Dark Precure, Regina, Bibury Vibry

Legendary Heroes is clearly a parody of the Precure franchise itself but since we already grew out of those jokes thanks to Hugtto, I’m hoping I won’t see any updates for this group ever again. And I will be absolutely livid if they dare to put Cure Infini in this unit because that is not funny.

Dark Party needs no extensive explanation as they were former nemesis/rivals to the Cures who never really got a “good” form even after their Heel-Face Turn (Dark Precure didn’t even get one of these). Which is fine because that’s essentially their charm. What makes dark magical girls so appealing is how awesome they are even when they’re “evil”.

Also gotta love the gothic lolita clothes that a number of them usually wear. If they didn’t keep Side B separate from Side A, I totally would’ve liked to put Eas and Twilight in this group as well.

Others who can fit into Dark Party: ...

List of updates under the cut...

[1/29/19] - Post published.

TBA

TBA

[makerof150papermasks]

The Three Governments of Spyro the Dragon

 Today, I have something really interesting that I feel would be worth talking about. Now I remember recently reading a post titled “’Kirby Super Star’ is a Marxist critique of the Soviet Union,” which delves into the titular 1996 SNES video game so deeply and somehow matches it up with certain pieces of USSR history (Reddit). After viewing this, I began to think, “I know a few other games that I could analyze like this guy did with Kirby.” Yes, I was motivated so much by this blog that I had a hunch to work on my own research chat.

Now the games I am about to talk about are the first three games in the Spyro the Dragon series first released for the PlayStation from 1998 to 2000, titled Spyro the Dragon, Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage, and Spyro: Year of The Dragon (Additionally, all three titles recently received a remake collectively titled “Spyro Reignited Trilogy,” which makes this document relevant as of 2019). With a little research, I was able to pair those games with a government that best defined them in a nutshell. Of course, not all real-life elements of these governments may actually match up with how any of the fictional societies depicted operate, but I’ve tried my hardest to make sure the details match up strongly enough that they can be talked about.

 *If you haven’t played the games yet and don’t want to be spoiled, then don’t bother reading!

  Spyro the Dragon: Confederation (Left)

 I want to start this discussion by saying something unique about this first third of the review: unlike the latter two titles, Spyro the Dragon seems to promote the idea of its featured form of government rather than point out the significant flaws and ensure the audience doesn’t sympathize with the concept at hand. First off, I want to give you folks a good look at how the populace of the Dragon Worlds goes about their lives and organizes themselves socially speaking. For those of you don’t already know enough about the game’s context, there are five socially-unique sectors that each owe something important to the well-being of the larger society. The Artisans represent the working class, the Peace Keepers are equivalent to a military system, the Magic Crafters are most likely representative of the business owners and upper class (As noted by the sheer presence of overly-elegant architecture in their specific area), the Beast Makers represent those who work in health, medical, biological, and other science-related fields, while the Dream Weavers can be considered a spiritually-grounded group of dragons who are experts in the field of meditation. Then there’s the extra sixth sector known as Gnasty’s World (Residence of main antagonist Gnasty Gnorc, who holds no true political power under any circumstance; therefore, I will leave him out of the equation), which I’ll just shoehorn into the sanitation sector, even though it would still easily be associated with the working class (Artisans). 

With the exception of Gnasty’s World, these groups all serve an equally vital role in establishing the economic stability and societal foundation of the Dragon Worlds, in the form of a confederation. Now if you folks are wondering what that’s supposed to mean, here’s the definition; “an organization which consists of a number of parties or groups united in an alliance or league.” For a historical example, the United States operated in this manner under the Articles of Confederation of 1777, which was ratified in 1781 and formed a society whose power lay mostly in the hands of the member states. Up until 1789, these states could establish laws without having to worry about a federal government trampling over those laws since the existing equivalent had far less political power than the one present (Reference.com).

Revisiting my view from the previous paragraph, it can be noted that each of the first five sectors can be viewed as separate, autonomous states that, in spite of their different approaches to solving daily situations, hold a common view of some sort that unites them into a larger entity. While it’s not known in canon if the sectors that dragons live in have ever come into conflict with each other at any point, I will bring up some backstory later on that may be worth identifying.

  Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage: Empire (Middle)

 Now looking at the titular villain and his path to wretchedness, picture him as this small, colonial society. From what we’re aware of based on the context provided in-game, Ripto and his cronies have no idea that Avalar (The main setting of this sophomore title) even exists at first. Now keep in mind that since Ripto despises dragons, he’s picky about where he wants to expand his influence. But anyway, once he finds himself in this dragon-free dimension, it becomes the perfect opportunity for Ripto to slowly nibble away at the land until there is no more for him to take over, aka, colonize. Of course, once Spyro shows up, the horned, red midget becomes rather peeved, prompting him and his goons to actually begin setting up the framework for his proposed kingdom. 

Throughout the events of the game, Ripto not only uses his magic to spread his negative influence across the dimension (AKA: Cause various beasts and baddies to run amok and result in calamity), but we are also shown the blue banners of Avalar being rolled back in favor of emblems donning the antagonist’s mug, THRICE. According to my searches, an empire is defined as, “an extensive group of states or countries under a single supreme authority, formerly especially an emperor or empress.” In this case, Ripto can easily be seen as emperor because at his highest position, he holds control over not just his two reptilian brutes (Who serve as a metaphor for his “kingdom” at its most basic), but also numerous realms scattered throughout Avalar, each serving as their own formerly independent municipalities until he enters the picture. 

Now here’s another point: even with Spyro around, Ripto still feels the need to settle in Avalar because there are no dragons around other than Spyro himself currently present to scare him away, which thereby gives him access to a shipload of land and resources. When it came to real-life empires, they were strategic regarding which areas to conquer. For example, the Roman Empire wouldn’t go east into modern-day Germany because the cost of conquest in that area was far above the monetary worth earned from the extractable resources available in that region (The Daily Reckoning). 

Moving on, the western half eventually collapsed primarily due to internal conflicts over power that left them exposed to outsiders (The eastern half, dubbed “The Byzantine Empire,” managed to survive until 1453, when it fell to Turkish invaders as a result of their victory in the Byzantine-Ottoman wars). In-game, the biggest reason Ripto is defeated is because he overlooks the possibility of Spyro collecting Avalar’s sacred talismans and orbs, which collectively allow the young dragon to pass through the barriers that separate both parties.

  Spyro: Year of The Dragon: Totalitarian State (Right)

 Jumping ship to the final third of the original Spyro trilogy, we now examine the Forgotten Realms and its central government in the form of the despotic, blue crocodilian-esque Sorceress. Now the previous two games sugarcoated their subject matter immensely (Though the second game still views the concept of an empire as a detrimental idea), but this time the game doesn’t make things look as rosy. First and foremost, The Sorceress displays a position of superiority around anyone in her vicinity, and in an overly aggressive manner most of the time. Already, we’re seeing her being established as a straw tyrant; alas, there is still so much more to discuss regarding the Forgotten Realms operating as a political body that blatantly abides by the guidelines of totalitarianism. Now where do we begin on this topic?

My first point of conversation in this segment is that unlike Gnasty Gnorc or Ripto in the previous two games (Now although the latter does become “ruler” near the end of his respective game, he doesn’t spend nearly enough time to be officially considered a grand-high patriarch by any of the residents of Avalar), The Sorceress is a formally-recognized monarch, is referred to as such by the inhabitants of the Forgotten Realms, and to make matters much worse, has been ruling this same exact dimension, in the same throne for AT LEAST 1000 YEARS. Not only that, but at one point, the dragons currently living dwelling in the Dragon Realms once lived in the Forgotten Realms. But when they left, they took their magic with them and as the centuries passed, magic began to drain and caused their fancy-schmancy portals to stop working. We’re convinced to think that the reason The Sorceress has become so wary of Spyro’s presence is because he will disrupt her plans to gather the eggs they had stolen from the dragons; she is supposedly gathering them in order allow this upcoming generation of winged reptiles to bring magic back to the dimension she rules over.

I will bring up that part about the dragons and the eggs again, but there is an important detail that points further to establishing The Sorceress as an antagonist known for taking full advantage of her position over everyone around her and therefore preventing anyone from reasoning with her other than Spyro and a slew of animal friends she had recently imprisoned. A little more than a quarter way into the game, Spyro finds himself in a realm known as Enchanted Towers; it is here that he discovers that a slew of lavender-skinned counterculture humanoids had been tasked with erecting a statue built in their highness’ likeness.

There’s just so much to talk about regarding what the statue situation represents, but first let me define what this government is. Totalitarianism is described as being, “a system of government that is centralized and dictatorial and requires complete subservience to the state.” The aforementioned statue in Enchanted Towers is probably one of the biggest pieces of evidence pointing to the Forgotten Realms operating under that kind of system. To start, the Sorceress displays unrivaled power in the world she inhabits and no one dare beg to differ with her on that matter. This is clearly evidenced by the fact that the citizens of Enchanted Towers mention that they certainly did not enjoy creating this tremendous work of art (Though they agree that it looks prettier than the actual character herself, further driving the sense of rebellion in), but they completely understand that going against what The Sorceress is telling them to do is like flirting with death.

You, the reader, have to realize that this is a form of government where there isn’t a legislative or judicial system to limit executive power. Heck, that’s not even getting into the fact that the denizens of the Forgotten Realms have neither a right to free speech nor the freedom to vote in elections, as far I’m aware. It’s certainly no fun living in a society where one person holds all the social and political power and you’re not that one person, nothing delightful about that (And there’s nothing anyone can do to change the fact unless someone successfully uses force to overthrow the one in power so they wouldn’t be able to enforce their laws any longer).

Before getting to the climax of this essay, it’s that time I bring up a real example. Although I’d be talking about a dictatorship along the lines of Nazi Germany, I’ve decided to take a more interesting example from further back in history. The Qin Dynasty, an empire to which China borrows its name from, relied on an authoritarian set of regulations that would become hugely influential to every Chinese-based dynasty that followed. Although it only lasted from 221 to 207 BC, there’s still some valuable information to extract from this chapter of human history. It also makes sense for me to select this example because the game’s title, Year of The Dragon, references a specific birth year on the Chinese Zodiac (Speaking of which, the year the game itself originally released just happened to land on a dragon year, which only happens once every twelve years).

Now allow me to continue with the example. Under the commissioning of Emperor Qin Shi Huang, the very first leader of a unified China, came a standardized system of writing and a strictly-guided formula for measuring the width, weight, and length of highways. Huang also oversaw construction of what would become the first section of The Great Wall of China and eventually went on to abolish the feudal system that flourished during the Zhou Dynasty decades earlier (In which landowners owed allegiance to the emperor as a result of kinship rather than fulfilling legal obligations). In addition, he commissioned the burning of almost all of the books currently available in that region at the time, only sparing those that provided information on topics like medicine and issued gigantic tax levies in an effort to pay for his military and construction expenses. This matrix of catastrophes led to a rebellion following Qin Shi Huang’s death in 210 BC, which went on to ultimately knock the Qin Dynasty out of power and make room for the Han Dynasty roughly 3-4 years later (Britannica).

Now what I’ll be explaining next is going to be extremely horrifying in hindsight, so grab your popcorn and hold your breath. While exploring Evening Lake, the third home world of the game, Spyro’s close friend Hunter winds up in a subterranean trap set up by The Sorceress that was meant for Spyro himself to prevent him from collecting any more of the dragon eggs that she desperately wanted to remain untouched. He is then approached by her servant, a magician-in-training named Bianca (To whom he has a developed a liking for over the course of the synopsis), who comes to tell the caged cheetah that the reason the dragons left so many years ago was because it had to do with their wonderful wings. As they began to realize that the obese blue saurian autocrat wanted to clip them off to give her immortality, they had no choice but to find solace in another reality. Linking this information to Spyro 1, we can now go back to viewing the example of confederation as the United States during the era of the Articles of Confederation, trying to recuperate from their religious tension with the monarchy of England and emigrating from there before ultimately deciding to settle in North America and establish a self-governed nation over the course of several decades. In the Spyro continuity, the dragons succeeded in building an autonomous series of societies in the then-vacant Dragon Realms following their disastrous affair with The Sorceress, where they then proceeded to push aside Gnasty Gnorc to the wastelands at some point later in time so they would have enough room to properly establish their footing in this uncharted land.

But sadly, that is not the end of the suspense; when Bianca returns to her master’s throne room, she discovers a dreadful truth she hadn’t been aware of until now. Ever since her henchmen brought the yet-to-hatch eggs back from the Dragon Worlds, The Sorceress hoarded them not because she wanted them to return their magic to the Forgotten Realms once they did hatch, but because she wanted to KILL THEM FOR THEIR WINGS LIKE SHE ATTEMPTED TO DO WITH THE ADULT DRAGONS BEFORE THEY LEFT. What she’s basically telling us is that she plans on committing an act of GENOCIDE ON AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF NEWBORNS in a similar manner to how Hitler promoted the large-scale massacre on an enormous number of Jews during the Holocaust.

With not a pinch of sympathy for anyone but herself by this point, the malevolent indigo monarch has become nothing short of a filthy caricature for the horrors of tyranny and dictatorship. By the way, she didn’t have to kill the newborns at all for that to happen, she just felt the need to do so JUST BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THEM SQUIRMING AROUND IN HER QUARTERS. Prompting a drastic change of heart, Bianca decides to cease working for her master, opting to rescue Hunter from the trap her former supervisor had set up in Evening Lake. Fed up with the treason her lackey recently committed, The Sorceress decides to create an absurdly powerful, bat-winged monster intended to annihilate practically everyone in her opposition (Simply put, that means almost the entire population of the world she governs, plus Spyro and some of the friends he bought along).

Even though Spyro manages to eradicate The Sorceress for good, (Much to the satisfaction of the Forgotten Realms inhabitants) the atrocious myriad of actions she takes during that one game position her as an antagonist who is regarded as a dark villain for a normally light-hearted sugar bowl series like Spyro, thereby leaving an indelible mark on the narrative of that franchise’s continuity. Serving as a harsh critique for the concept of autocracy and its consequences on the people, Spyro: Year of The Dragon uses a surprisingly pathos-inducing series of events that favors a call to action for executive reform, appealing to the wants and needs of the governed rather than the desires and aspirations of the government itself.

  Sources:

 Kirby Super Star: https://www.reddit.com/r/FanTheories/comments/39dbqi/kirby_super_star_is_a_marxist_critique_of_the/

 Confederacy: https://www.reference.com/government-politics/examples-confederate-government-230a5f967d7f24fa

 Empire: https://dailyreckoning.com/how-empires-really-work/

 Totalitarian State: https://www.britannica.com/topic/Qin-dynasty

https://www.reference.com/history/feudalism-ancient-china-8ddd0bf737a29fc5

[raeofgayshine]

A Million Dreams (Reprise)

A Songfic for my The World We’re Gonna Make Verse (Aka the Orphans! AU). 

For context, in this AU Patton, Logan, Roman, and Virgil are all orphans who became attached to each other in the group home and are now living with Thomas, who is their foster dad that was originally only supposed to be fostering Virgil, but Logan (the oldest, also a well-known troublemaker) planned for them to run away if that happened. So Thomas decided to take them all in despite not being prepared and is trying his hardest to be a good dad. The boys aren’t really willing to open up easily though. 

Logan and Patton are 12, Virgil is 8, and Roman is 7. 

Even after they moved in with Thomas, the nightly routine of the four of them never changes. They still gathered in Patton and Logan’s room together, each doing their own thing in quiet silence until it was time to sleep.

As usual, Logan sat curled in his desk chair reading, glancing up every now and then to check on the others as if he was afraid they might disappear if he looked away too long. Patton was sprawled across the floor on his stomach doodling whatever came to his mind, kicking his legs happily and humming quietly to himself.

Virgil was lying propped up against a few pillows on Logan’s bed, flipping through the book of sheet music Thomas had bought him when they went to the store yesterday, after he had discovered Virgil sitting at the piano early one morning, fingers ghosting over the keys but never quite pressing down enough to make music. Thomas had invited Virgil then to use the piano whenever he wanted, and the next morning had presented him with a book full of songs he thought Virgil would enjoy. Virgil hadn’t had the courage to try out any of them for real yet, but he had looked through each song carefully trying to imagine in his head what it would sound like should he give it a try. Maybe one day he would, but for now, the idea of messing up filled him with too much anxiety to actually try.

As for Roman, he was sitting on the windowsill with his notebook precariously balanced on his knees, writing down the ideas as they came to him and he worked on crafting his latest story that he would no doubt share enthusiastically with the others when he was done. Although tonight the flow of ideas seemed to be rather slim, and Roman found his mind kept wandering from one thought to the next, and he found himself staring out the window thinking more than he was actually writing.

Eventually, with his head was tilted back so that he was staring up at the moon and the faint glowing of the stars, Roman began to sing “Every night I lie in bed. The brightest colors fill my head. A million dreams are keeping me awake.”

Three sets of eyes turned towards Roman in varying amounts of confusion and curiosity, and Ro blushed just faintly when he glanced over and saw them all watching. He didn’t stop though, and as he turned to look back out the window Virgil carefully slid off the bed, singing along with him. “I think of what the world could be, A vision of the one I see. A million dreams is all it's gonna take.”

Roman smiled at Virgil as he joined him at the window, scooting over so that he could sit down as well. Virgil hesitantly linked their hands when he settled, closing his eyes in hopes of stopping the butterflies from growing in his stomach.

Patton had sat up when Roman had started to sing, and now his head was by Logan’s feet, so he twisted himself around to smile up at the older boy, who had closed his book in favor of taking in the scene in front of him. When Patton turned to look at him, Logan let his eyes drift from the window to where his best friend sat, taking the hand Patton offered him and squeezing it gently.

“A million dreams for the world we're gonna make.” As he sang Patton looked away from Logan to where Roman and Virgil sat together now looking out the window, whispering and giggling quietly to each other about something the older two couldn’t hear. Then he looked back at Logan, who was watching all three of them with a fond smile, and let out a content sigh as he laid his head in Logan’s lap.

Logan didn’t think twice about letting go of Patton’s hand in favor of stroking his hair, and Patton hummed happily, nuzzling into the touch as his eyes fluttered shut. Logan’s smile widened just slightly, and a warm rush of love washed over him, mixed with a strong protectiveness that had him glancing over at Roman and Virgil just to make sure they were safe. Softly, so that only Patton could catch it, Logan repeated his words “For the world we’re gonna make.”

Unbeknownst to the boys as they sang, out in the hallway stood their Foster Dad, who watched the scene with a soft smile before he turned and walked off without saying a word. It had only been a week and already the four orphans who had been threatening to run away before Thomas had brought them home had started to settle. Even if it was only while they were alone in their room, they were all more comfortable and relaxed tonight than they had been since Thomas brought them home.

It was progress, and Thomas hoped it meant that they were slowly starting to trust him. He had meant it when he promised them that he wasn’t going to separate them and that he would do what he could to make them feel at home in his little apartment. There had been a few smaller moments where he felt like he had taken steps in the right direction, like giving Virgil the sheet music or taking Logan to get his haircut the way he wanted and letting Virgil and Roman dye their hair when they asked (Well, when Roman asked for both of them), but seeing them tonight singing together in Patton and Logan’s bedroom, Thomas was sure for the first time he was making progress.

He had done the right thing by bringing them all home with him instead of just taking Virgil as was planned. There had been several times already he had doubted his ability to take care of them all, he may have been a teacher but being a parent was a level of commitment he hadn’t handled yet and certainly the four of them wasn’t the easiest place to get started, he had been worried from the start he wouldn’t be able to give them enough-

But now... seeing them for the first time since he first met them looking truly relaxed and at peace, Thomas knew that it was all going to be okay. He wouldn’t be perfect, mistakes would be made and god knows that it wasn’t going to be an easy task, but he would go to the ends of the earth just to make it so that Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil could feel like they did in that bedroom every day of their lives.

[ahumanintraining]

sign out (ch. 3 of “follow up”)   a shallura modern era hospital au ft. dr. allura and patient shiro  [link to ao3]

— notes: and yes here is the allura pov chapter that you all have been waiting so patiently for. (and yes, happy shallura day! i say this two days late but we all know that every day is shallura day anyway)

chapter three: sign out

Allura almost squeals.

But fortunately, she’s able to hold it all in until she’s absolutely certain that the phone call ended.

Then she thrusts her face into a pillow and makes the strangest sound she’s come out of her mouth since she matched into residency.  

Today had been a complete series of emotional chess, starting from the moment she walked in to see him, not at all expecting the patient with the uncomplicated right distal radius fracture in bed 24 was going to be an ultra-cute man with the shyest smile and the most curious streak of white hair over his forehead.

She was caught so off guard she almost couldn’t even appropriately perform the final physical exam to discharge him. His gaze was so intense and he had such an entrapping calm demeanor that made her forget about the hustle and the bustle of the emergency department behind the curtain. If talking to him to recap his injury history wasn’t already making her trip over her words, she absolutely stuttered as she told him the physical exam findings, close enough to smell the light cologne wafting from his skin and see the light stubble over his jaw — honestly thank god none of the nurses or technicians were also present in the room because without doubt they would have dragged her about it in the break room if they had witnessed her.

If she wasn’t wrong in reading him, she took a chance on his fast heartbeat, his jagged breath, and the light blush over his cheeks and gave him all the hints that she was absolutely interested in seeing him again outside of the hospital context.

It was a huge risk — she worried that maybe he was just embarrassed about the whole situation or about his entire story falling off the monkey bars, which actually wasn’t all that ridiculous when it came to the emergency room. Not to mention, when she gave him her number, she was technically still overseeing his health care so it was a little weird in the doctor-patient relationship.

But it was fine, right? Technically she just gave him her business card, which she has done to patients she wanted to follow up even beyond the emergency room because of the complexity of their case.

This would just be another someone she wanted to follow up with. Well, maybe not for the same reasons, but…

She groans, pressing her face into the pillow again, remembering how she circled her cell number and even winked at him — so stupidly embarrassing!

How could she have just put herself out there like that so obviously? What if she just read all the signs wrong and completely misinterpreted?

Of course, now that he had actually called her back, she supposes she made the right decision after all.

She — Allura Altea, three years an attending at Olkarian General with her ass still deep in government federal student debt — had a date.

Or something. He did mention he wanted to “at least return the thanks.”

She doesn’t know. It’s unclear.

Regardless, she was going to get to see him again. She giggles to herself again, uncharacteristically giddy with excitement. She throws aside her pillow and reaches again for her agenda book, looking at the Thursday column. She raises her pen point just below her 6 PM shift, twirling her pen a few times to consider what to write.

“8 pm – DATE!!!!!” is too embarrassing even for her to look at — and then what would happen if she opened her book and one of her other colleagues happened to see the colorful all-caps? She’d never hear the end of it.

“8 pm – Date” doesn’t look right either. And moreover, what if it wasn’t even a date? What if he was just trying to be polite? Although… he did ask for dinner, not lunch. Or at least, he did at first…

She shakes her head to herself. Focus, she tells herself.

Maybe “8 pm – Takashi” would be most appropriate. She writes it in but then frowns when re-reading it.

This makes him seem like a consult call or some kind of referral. Maybe she can doodle in something to make it look more friendly…

Before she knows it, she scribbles a small heart next to him — and immediately regrets it. She scratches it out, but then finds that she ends up just coloring in the heart, making now a very clear and very solid heart next to his name.

“Oh my god, what am I? A high schooler? I’m 33 going on 14.” she moans out loud, flopping back onto her hardwood floor, casting her agenda book to the side.

Hearing her distress, her cat mewls, jumping down from the windowsill and climbing on top of her.

“I know. I must be so annoying to deal with right now, huh, Blue?” she mumbles, lifting her cat off her stomach and rolling onto her side to curl around her.

Allura lays there for a long time, replaying the last hour in her head, regretting lots of things she said. What was she thinking?

Oh, yeah, pull rehearsed statements out like ‘I appreciate you taking the time to call me’ or ‘I really like to hear how my patients are doing.’ For sure, yeah, that’ll really tell him that she’s interested in him as more than just a patient.

And then telling him that Thursday evening would work perfectly because she didn’t have anywhere to be the next day? What was she trying to say?

“I’m such an idiot,” she tells Blue.

But Blue is tired of cuddling and of hearing her shit, gingerly stepping out of Allura’s reach. Allura frowns, watching Blue take residence in a solitary corner, before subsequently doing the splits and starting to lick its hindlegs clean. Allura sighs. Her eyes trail back to her phone, strewn a few feet away, and she crawls over to it, scrolling hesitantly over the last message in her voicemail and looking at his familiar set of unfamiliar numbers.

Is it too optimistic for her to save his number into her phone? Probably. Allura knows better than anyone that romance does not work out the way it does for princesses in fairy tales, no matter how sure a princess thinks she’s found her paladin.

She bites her lip, and then pokes her screen to play his voicemail again, pressing her phone close to her ear. She smiles, hearing the croak in his voice as he starts talking.

Um… it’s Takashi Shirogane. I was your patient the other day. I guess I was just giving you a follow up call. Thanks for everything. Hear from you soon.

Such a short message. Barely a full ten seconds. It’s not nearly long enough. She plays it again, listening again for that beginning rumble of his voice when he first opens his mouth.

Takashi Shirogane.

She repeats his name to herself softly. She loves the light r of his last name, and how he says it in a gentle flutter. She hopes that she pronounced his name in exactly the same way during their last call, but she knows better than anyone else that her language skills are actually horrid and for as much as her dear father really tried to get her fluent in Spanish and French, she had no chance with the small amount of patience she had and the little tenacity she had to study anything but medicine.

She catches herself with a stupid smile over her face again, and she shakes herself out of lovesickness.

This is ridiculous. She hasn’t felt this way in such a long time.

She checks the time. It’s close to the time she needed to get herself into bed, so she showers, brushes her teeth, and crawls into bed after downing a few extra gulps of water to hit her daily hydration goal.

But it’s pointless. She doesn’t sleep at all, lying in bed well past her bedtime, dreaming of cute smiles and soft hellos.

The next couple of days is so mundane that when Thursday approaches, she almost completely forgets about the “8 pm – Takashi” line in her agenda until she opens her book in front of Dr. Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe, aka the chief of emergency medicine, and sees the crime-implicating solid heart.

Her eyes freeze on seeing the reminder, and she instinctively presses the pages against her chest.

“So, we’ll have our monthly department meeting on the twenty-third next month instead of the twenty-fifth as usual. Are you on shift that day?” Coran asks, scrolling through his phone, not seeming to notice her flushing and sudden protectiveness of her agenda book.

Cautiously, she flips a few pages forward, seeing a night shift on said date. “I should be off my 7 to 7 by then,” she says. “Meeting still at 7 am?”

“Yeah,” he affirms. “Lots of quality statistics to discuss, so try not to be late.”

“You implying I have some improvements to make?” she teases.

He looks up at her, twirling his ginger moustache and chuckling. “Even if you are one of our exceptional physicians, you know I just need to enforce the same expectations for our entire team.” He nods his chin at her unused computer, monitor black from inactivity. “As long as you’re still picking up patients.”

Ah. Funny he should say that.

“Alright, alright,” she says, swiveling her chair around and shaking the mouse.

“Aside from all of this, anything new going on in your life these days?” he asks, tucking his phone into his white coat pocket and leaning over the counter. “Haven’t been able to properly talk to you ever since the new residents joined us over the summer.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, shrugging. “But honestly nothing too much has been going on.” She clicks on the EMR to assign herself to the 53-year old male with chest pain in room 18 and turns to the stack of EKGs next to her, searching for the matching EKG to her patient.

“Really? No new potential suitors?” Coran asks. “I feel like you were complaining plenty about that in the last conversation I had with you. Something about someone moving into your apartment building?”

She rolls her eyes. “The Lotor guy is still bothering me,” she tells him. “But at least because he likes me I can ask him favors. He takes care of Blue for me when I’m out too late.” She finds the matching EKG and interprets it quickly, writing in left ventricular hypertrophy. “But you know it’s funny you ask me that now because I actually have a date tonight.”

Coran raises both his eyebrows. “See that is exciting,” he declares. “Who’s this date of yours?”

As much as Allura wants to tell Coran, she doesn’t want to mention that her date may just also happen to have been a patient in the emergency room just a couple days ago… and also just happen to have a patient chart with her signature on it.

“Uh… well just someone that I met at random,” she lies, of course, realizing she executed the confabulation terribly.

Coran gives her a look that tells her he knows her bullshit. “At random, huh?” he replies, not prying. “Well, I suppose you’ll tell me at some point.”

She just smiles and shrugs, then choosing that moment to stand and get to her patient in room 18. “Maybe at some point,” she promises him.

“I’m sure I’ll hear about it if it ends up turning out horrible.”

“Probably,” she agrees, waving him a short goodbye as she steps past him.

But for some reason, she has the most undoubtable feeling tonight’s date won’t turn out horrible at all.

She doesn’t get home until 7:45 pm.

Well, so far tonight’s date is going pretty horribly, she thinks to herself, rushing to get her keys into the keyhole to unlock her door.

Once in her apartment, she hurls herself in, dropping the day’s handbag on the floor and pulling off her shoes as she walks in. She reaches up to pull off her hair tie, shaking her hair out as she makes her way to her closet, already half-undressed.

She did absolutely everything she could in order to optimize getting back home once the clock hit the end of her shift at 7 pm — even going so far as to beg Sendak to cover the last few codes she technically should have been doing so that she could instead rapidly finish closing her charts because she had no option to just close them on her next shift because the next time she’d be in the hospital would going to be more than 24 hours later and Coran would never let her hear the end of it if she didn’t sign her notes within the mandatory time frame and she would definitely be roasted at the next department meeting.

Needless to say, she is frazzled.

She holds her head between her hands, frowning as she looks in the mirror. She looks at the clock on the wall. Damn. She is not going to have time to look nice. Damn. She doesn’t even have the time to take a shower. And damn it, of course this would happen to her on that one night she has a date with someone she thinks she might actually like?

Well, a maybe-date date. Because what if all this time he really is just taking her for dinner out of the goodness of his heart? After all, he did call her to update her about his arm and to thank her… and he didn’t actually bring up the idea of dinner until after she carried the conversation…

She calms herself down. It’s fine, it’s fine, she tells herself. It’s going to be all —

Wait, check your phone, she reminds herself. Because what if he is already outside waiting —

She taps her phone screen and sees no notification.

She can’t help but frown. Maybe she is really is getting too excited and hopeful about this maybe-date date. If he liked her, he definitely would be a little early right? Or texted her earlier today to check in?

Or maybe he forgot about their dinner?

Damn, maybe she should have texted him earlier today. But no, she didn’t want to overstep and over-text him either.

She groans one more time and ceases her internal dialogue, telling herself to just focus on her outfit for tonight. It doesn’t matter how much time she has; every single second she has left before this maybe-date date of hers is valuable to get her act together.

She flips her phone to the ring setting and hitches up the volume to max so that there is absolutely no way that she would miss a call, walking back to her closet.

She makes another frustrated sound as she sifts through her outfits. All throughout her emergency training, she was able to get away with wearing scrubs, which was great for her at the when she didn’t have the time to figure out what to wear on the sleep-deprived mornings before a shift but right now, as she looks through her severe lack of nice dating-material clothing, she is regretting her options.

She doesn’t even know exactly where he’ll be taking her. Should she wear something more formal or something more casual? But this is okay. She’s been in this situation at least one hundred times before — there’s a few dresses that can pass for most events aside from an underground rave late at night or a Board of Trustees meeting, but she’s pretty sure that he’s not taking her on any of those extremes.

Her hands stop at a white dress with a floral print — kimono v-neck, mid-arm sleeve, about knee-length — and she looks it over with pursed lips, her eyes tracing one of the pink flowers and its surrounding dark green stem and leaves along the waist.

Her favorite dress. She doesn’t wear it often because she’s afraid of getting it dirty and because otherwise she’d be wearing it all too often.

It was the last gift her father gave her, and the first thing she thinks of when remembering him.

Her thumb rolls over the silky material as she muses for a moment, and then slips it off the hanger, lying the dress over her bed before she pulls it over her head, flipping her hair out from under the collar as she looks at herself in the mirror.

She frowns. The dress fits her well, of course, but her hair is a tangled mess. She sighs and rolls it back up into some kind of a loose bun. It looks almost purposefully messy, some of shorter strands of her hair peeking out from behind her ears, but it also looks like she just got out of a twelve-hour work shift and like didn’t care about this date when she actually really did want to impress him and set herself up in the best way possible for this to be an amazing night.

Maybe at least some light makeup? She rushes over to her makeup bag, pawing through it before a loud ring emerges from her phone.

Her eyes dart to it, her heart rate suddenly jolting. Another ring emerges — a long one that she knows means that someone is calling her and who could it be but him… She rushes over, looking over the caller ID and seeing the familiar set of numbers.

She swallows. “Hello?”

“Hey.”

Her heart flutters again. “Hi!” she says, almost too excitedly, but then clears her throat, mollifying her enthusiasm. “Um, hey,” she tries again, stupidly. She briefly pauses, and then unable to figure out what else to say, adds, “What’s up?”

Silently, she hits her forehead with the palm of her hand. What’s up? Was that the only thing she could think of to say? What was she thinking?

“I just want to apologize for calling you so last minute about this,” he starts.

“Oh, no, I mean, I was just getting ready myself. No rush,” she blurts. She’s not sure why she says all this when she could have just said ‘oh, no, that’s okay’ but then again, so far, she doesn’t have a great history of saying exactly what she wants when he talks to her.

“Oh,” he says, pausing in a way that makes her regret what she said. “Well, I was going to apologize about tonight. I, um… well, I’ve had a bit of a change in plans.”

He says this, and her heart sinks.

[link to chapter 4!]

notes: oh no would could have possibly happened???

(also if you think that I’m going to get away with this modern AU without putting in as many Voltron references as possible, you are very very wrong. call me out on all the lame ones :P)

[emperorren]

What Reylo scenes would you want to happen in Episode IX? In the context of there being no limitations (PG-13 rating, things Disney wouldn't do, the plot (within reason))? Thanks!

(please excuse my lack of coherence but tlj, unlike tfa, left me with lots of question marks on the future evolution of reylo. It unexpectedly covered most of my preexisting predictions for this ship while also leaving their relationships unresolved, so I’m currently in the process of adjusting my predictions to the new circumstances and the changed dynamic and I’m just going to spitball in no particular order and no attempt at sticking to any coherent idea of plot)

number one on my wishlist is a deepening of the force bond in terms of what they can feel and how they can use it

I want the force bond to explored from different angles: what it means in terms of force lore, why it happened to them, what makes them special to the Force, how do they physically feel, how they deal with this intimacy they don’t understand now that they’ve hurt and disappointed each other so much. But I also want them to study it, as opposed to passively experience it. Perhaps try to manipulate the bond to either shut the other out or keep an eye or each other or (also) use it in an attempt to weaken the other in a duel

I want to see new visual ways to convey how the bond progressively grows and expands between them. So bring on all kinds of obscure lynchian visions, shared dreams, nightmares about each other dying, sensing each other’s approaching, tapping into each other’s conscience and deeply buried memories of their childhood and past abuse (that would be an awesome way to include a snoke flashback, as well as more details of rey’s parents), even better if the other’s present self is there to witness it too

at least an antagonistic duel filled with angst and rage and betrayal on either part, physical and raw and bloody. Yes I want to see some blood. (you said no rating limitations) I can imagine their duel to quickly turn into a battle of wills in which they try to overpower the other via the force bond

rey could use some of kylo’s signature tactics like the force stun and the force choke on kylo himself (which would obviously both terrify and turn him on)

even better if, at some time prior to this climatic duel, rey asked kylo to teach her to use those powers and he agreed—knowing fully well that she means to use them against him, but he’s self destructive like that and he is perversely fascinated by the idea of her being the fated angel of death who will finally put him out of his misery. Rey feels that and it upsets her in a similar way seeing him beat his own wounds on starkiller did

they’re both miserable without each other, but they don’t want to show it, so this leads to at least one scene in which Kylo tries desperately to pretend he hates Rey but as soon as she shows up all he can do is stutter and spit some badly rehashed insults while also looking like he’s about to cry. Rey can’t speak at all

perhaps this happens in the throne room while Renperor is sitting on the throne. Maybe they should continue the tradition of rey ending up in enemy territory (better if willingly), or maybe this time it’s Kylo who is captured by the resistance, and rey is conflicted about it and feels his pain as he’s wounded and kept prisoner, and after a while she secretly sets him free 

arguing on the jedi texts via force skype

arguing on how to rebuild the legacy saber via force skype

kylo being an insufferable know-it-all nerd

more force bond shenanigans: feeling the other’s physical pain (maybe because they’re being tortured or beaten in combat) but not being able to see the other (since the force is mad at them and they’re mad at each other, the bond won’t work properly for at least 1/3 of the movie), and going crazy with panic while also being in unspeakable physical pain through the bond

the eroticism of the force bond should be amped up, pg-13 be damned. Give me all the awkward and increasingly bolder force-touching, feeling each other’s arousal at the worst times, teasing and taunting each other, the unresolved sexual tension getting more and more literal, seeing each other naked, rey and kylo trying to keep their forbidden psychic affair secret to their respective organizations, while also being more and more desperate for each other

Rey struggling with the dark side. Perhaps accidentally unleashing her powers in a moment of wrath and killing someone in the process, then plagued by guilt and blind panic going to Kylo for advice

Alternatively Rey having a conflict with Poe and/or Finn once they learn of the bond. Poe wants to keep her in custody or use the bond to lure Kylo in a trap. Rey is furious and she runs away (to Kylo). I can honestly see Finn being deeply hurt by Rey’s bond with Kylo, but ultimately choosing to support her. (this could also mean interesting things for the poe/finn dynamic

let’s be real: a version of the Most Tropey Reylo Trope, aka Stranded Together On A Mysterious And Remote Corner Of The Galaxy, HAS to happen in some form eventually

especially if one of them is injured when this happens. Let’s say both.

they end up on the Falcon together. they tend on each other’s wounds (more shirtless moments, probably). Rey cups Kylo’s face in a callback to Han’s gesture, traces his scar from his cheek down his chest. Major ship tease moment 

perhaps this is followed by a galactic trip to either find some ancient artifact or to collect some crucial information to their understanding of the Force, the Galaxy, the Balance and their role in all of this, that would lead to some earth-shattering reveal 

maybe they go find the Bendu to inquire about the balance, possibly after reading some cryptic line in the jedi books

at some point, they should go back to Jakku. Would really love to see Kylo’s walking with his billowy dark robes through a sand storm and them finding shelter in Rey’s old AT-AT and Kylo seeing the scratches on the wall

there should also be some sort of cliff scene or an equivalent, because I’ve become attached to that pre-tlj headcanon; though, clearly, now that their dynamic has evolved it wouldn’t make sense for it to play exactly like it would have for eight

in general I want them to be alone with each other on an inhospitable planet, better if connected to the dark side. Like Mustafar, or somewhere in the unknown regions (Malachor?)

Leia’s funeral. Rey helps Kylo connect with his mother one last time via the force bond, letting him touch her face with her hand. 

Kylo cries in Rey’s arms.

Rey meeting the Knights of Ren?

probably some version of the forceback scene, though part of me believes tlj covered it with kylo killing snoke (note how the forceback has rain in it—foreshadowing the intense bond manifesting on ahch-to, and the “clan leader” could be a metaphor for snoke)

one of them (or both) will try to find a way to sever the bond permanently. maybe during the galactic trip hey learn of an ancient ritual and they agree to perform it and Kylo goes first but halfway through it Rey realizes it’s too painful (both physically for Kylo and emotionally for both of them) and she implores him to stop

“I can’t lose you”

Hux’s hostility only grows bigger and bigger and Kylo starts feeling threatened. Rey feels it through the bond, she panics. 

Hux finds out what’s going on with them and uses it to set up a trap to kill two birds with one stone and get rid of both Kylo and Rey. Maybe he imprisons Kylo after neutralizing his force powers.

how would he? well since Hux really hates the Force for being an advantage he has no access to, it makes sense to me that he’d try to ~kill it~. Now I obviously don’t think anyone can kill the Force, but maybe accidentally stumbling upon some old sacred text or artifact or creating a device that allows him to permanently sever the tie that binds the Force to all living beings? i.e. destroying force-sensitivity?

this could easily be the ultimate evil to defeat, and the final turning point for kylo—learning that his “side” of the war is actively trying to destroy his most beloved driving principle, the very thing he’s in service to? That should make him reevaluate his allegiances and spontaneously ask Rey’s help to stop this. (I originally wanted Snoke to be behind this, but I gotta admit Hux works better, with  his deep-seated resentment of force-sensitive beings)

sometime in act III there’s a huge battle and the resistance is being decimated and Rey is losing her fight and is almost unconscious and all hope seems lost and then suddenly Kylo’s ship appears and starts firing on the First Order and then he lands (a callback to the first time we saw him in the trilogy) and goes to join Rey while she’s watching all of this in a sort of semi-conscious slow motion haze and all she can think is, he came back for me

third time’s the charm, so there has to be a third offer, and this time the other will accept it. I’m not sure if I want Rey to be the one who offers Kylo, or Kylo to Rey

REYLO KISS. now I think we have VERY decent chances of actually seeing one in canon. But without the pg-13 limit? It starts as extremely sweet and tentative (Rey initiates it) and then deepens and SETS THE SCREEN ON FIRE. I’m torn between this happening in an intimate, quiet moment or during/after a fight (think the end of the praetorian guard scene for reference).

THEY FUCK. no rating limits. Unleash your imagination.

(better if they fuck while thinking this is going to be their first and last time, like the night before the battle that will decide both their fates, or kylo’s fate if he’s going to be executed by the resistance)

finally, i want to see them using the Force together. in some huge thing. Like stopping a death ray firing on a planet. (Coruscant or Naboo) Impossible? Maybe. But Kylo, alone, could stop a blaster mid air. Imagine what he could do with Rey

[laughingpinecone]

Yuletide letter

I am laughingpineapple on AO3

Aw yeah, Yuletide time again, here we go! I love all these characters and canons and, barring DNWs, I'm interested in any story about them you might already have in mind. Here's a list of ideas if you prefer to start from a prompt.

Likes: worldbuilding, slice of life (doubly so if the event the fic focuses on is canon-specific), missing moments, 5+1 and the likes, bonding and emotional support/intimacy (platonic too!!), loyalty, casefic, surrealism, established relationships, future fic, hurt/comfort or just comfort from the ample canon hurt, throwing characters into non-canon environments, banter, functional friendships/relationships between dysfunctional individuals, unexplained mysteries, bittersweet moods, journal/epistolary fic where applicable, dreams and memories and identities, and did I mention worldbuilding

Cool with: what-ifs, AUs, any tense, any pov, any rating, plotty, not plotty, IF, nerdy canon references, unrequested characters popping up

DNW: bleak endings, rape, PWP, non-canonical children, unrequested ships, canon retellings

***

Ghost Trick: Jowd, Cabanela

The fandom that got me into Yuletide to begin with! I love the whole cast and their intricate connections, but Jowd and Cabs are my forever faves. I ship them dearly, and I ship them dearly with Alma when she's alive, but I'm also always interested in gen about them as long as the bond between them is central in the fic. I didn't request her because if you're down for, say, case fic with or without Sissel's help, I didn't want to make any additional characters necessary. I just want the fic to star Jowd and Cabanela but also feel free to use the whole extended family aka her, Sissel, Pigeon Man, Kamila, Lynne and/or Missile at will! Or Emma or whatever.

Cabanela has Jowd as his whole motivation, and while Jowd's family comes first for him, we know they were close and he cares for his BF(F) in his own way. I love Cabanela with his endless energy and confidence and Jowd's fatalism, their occasional role reversals (who'd have pegged Cabanela for the hard-working guy and Jowd for the one who'd swoop in and get all the merit!), their banter and trust and tacit understanding, how after five years of not talking to each other and thinking Cabanela hated him, Jowd got that watch and understood what it meant and came through for his friend. I love their tragedy and the prospect of a happier life in the new timeline, with Sissel watching over them (and chasing Cabanela's scarf which is clearly a fantastic cat toy). I love their design, their clothes and the shapes and details of their bodies, so if you ever want to indulge in physical details, not necessarily in a sexual context, stuff like a very soft hug with a majestic ticklish beard, either of their hair getting in their eyes when wet, or Jowd stepping on the damn scarf while Cabanela is hopping downstairs, please do indulge to your heart's content.

I think the game implies that Jowd, Sissel, Yomiel and Missile have their memories of the old timeline, while everyone else does not, so I'm always interested in stories set in the new present that use this imbalance – maybe Cabanela eventually gets briefed on what happened, but it's still not the same as remembering.

A story could be focused on those weird presents they reportedly gave each other – surprise me, or maybe in the new timeline Jowd gifts the framed gun to Cabanela, that missing piece of evidence that would've proven his innocence, now that Cabs doesn't need it and doesn't even know what it's for?

Or maybe it could explore a what-if scenario where Yomiel is stopped and redeemed on the Yonoa, but there is no timeline reset, and Jowd and Cabanela are left to mend what's left of their lives.

Or any slice of life plot in and around Jowd's household is always welcome. Cabanela with his unwavering loyalty and enthusiasm, and that absolute confidence that can be charming or off-putting depending on the person and situation, and Jowd and Alma allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of that much affection, and giving him a place to rest. And at least Jowd has a personality that’s sturdy enough that Cabs can bounce off it, a charismatic presence of his own with his rough humor, physical prowess, brittle emotional sphere and occasional stonewalling.

Obduction: Caroline Farley

I was sure I'd fall in love with the puzzles, I wasn't sure this brand new world would captivate me as much as D'ni ever did, and yet here I am. There's so much to explore about Hunrath's unique setup, with people coming in from more than two centuries, adapting, sharing their memories of Earth. The tree and all the questions and philosophical views that come with it, the seeds and that starry expanse at the heart of it all... and then Soria and then Maray and Kaptar, which we know so little about.

I'd like to see it all filtered through Farley's eyes because she's my fave, and also because I think her background is pretty interesting in and by itself, having been pinecone'd away from Earth when she was three years old. It makes for an interesting counterpoint to the born-and-bred Earthlings like CW with his nostalgia (for the record, I'd read platonic banter between these two for days), but she's no Hunrath native either. And the way her house got swapped into such a central position and became a hub for the community... cool stuff. And what about the mysterious deceased John Farley, who can't be her blood brother because we're told the only relative who came with her was her grandmother, who is highly unlikely to be her husband because of the way “Farley” seems to be used as her maiden name (the house she was swapped with is “Farley's house”...) and who is buried next to a man? An adopted brother maybe? What made her end her stint as a mayor so suddenly? What's a meditation with the Arai feel like, how does it change her outlook on her daily life? What weird thing happened on Hunrath one day? What’s daily routine over there? What required a team-up with dear Josef and did she think a little higher of him afterwards (I'll love Josef if Cyan won't, he wasn't the right mayor during those trying times but the man has his merits damn it)? I nominated the three main characters because they’re the only ones who get fleshed out properly but feel free to include any of the other people we see mentioned!

Twin Peaks: Albert Rosenfield [TWIN PEAKS THE RETURN SPOILERS. Final Dossier prompts to be added asap, I'd like Mark Frost to know that dropping new canon right after signups two years in a row is highly yuletidephobic)

Ships: Albert/Dale, Albert/Harry and Albert/Dale/Harry.

DNWs, mostly in the sense of topics fraught with complicated fandom opinions I wouldn't risk in an exchange: Albert/Constance and hell God baby damn no we ain't talkin about Judy.

So the story ends (or, ahem, artistically cliffhangers, as it does) with the fiery pacifist locked behind a tired, stoic mask, shooting a friend with shaky hands and taking pride in it, and not being even greeted by the man he set out to find before the asshole disappeared again. Cheers to the FBI. Needless to say, I'd like to see my favorite character find himself again, on his own or with the aid of any combination of characters of your choosing. It's never too late to shovel yourself out of the shit, Albert!

I could see him resigning on the spot (especially if Gordon and Diane also disappeared?) and staying in town to heal. Does he go to Harry, does he end up adopted by the Trumans, does he find some of his fire back by shouting at Doris and bonding with her that way, to remarkable mutual benefit? Does Frank, in all earnest and from personal experience, recommend him a hat to cover the hair loss? Or does he end up bonding with Hawk, how would their snark and general judgeyness complement each other? Does he make it to Bookhouse Boy eventually, and what kind of adventures or simple late night chats at the Bookhouse could take place then?

In a year or two or five, does Hawk find Coop like Margaret predicted, under the moon on Blue Pine mountain? How do they reconnect after so long? Do they fall in love again, as changed, tired men? I find it an interesting Albert/Harry and eventually Albert/Harry/Dale scenario, filled with bittersweet possibilities. An Albert/Dale option could be that Albert does not stay in town and Coop goes to find him, and they start again wherever Albert lives now.

Whether he resigns or not, does he keep in touch with Constance? Do they exchange punny second opinions and gallows humor in general over Skype?

He and Denise are on a first name basis, how did they bond, what's their average night out like, or what happened in the Philly office back when Gordon was still their boss that Gordon could absolutely never find out about?

Ditto Diane, it's so easy to picture them smoking together and presenting a united “fuck this and fuck you” front in the office, so what was their friendship like, how did it continue after Diane [got tulpa'd and] resigned? Onto even more painful territory, if Diane didn't disappear in pt17 or if she eventually comes back on her own, how would they rebuild their friendship? Do they come to terms with that horrible day when he shot her? Does she remember those 20 years of their friendship and therefore also dying by his hand, or does she not remember, and so he did kill 'a' Diane along with all their time together, and found another one he didn't even know he'd lost so long ago?

Tammy is pretty much his padawan, what's her apprenticeship like? I love how she's technically Gordon's protege but he's the one who takes time to talk to her and /know/ her (like the fact that she gets carsick). Does she ever get to make him talk about himself? About what this search for Coop means to him?

Did he... did he ever run into Wally by accident in any random corner of the country, and how'd that go down? Like, ignoring the Andy and Lucy connection (although I do adore Andy and Lucy), just Wally as his own very peculiar person, bumping into Albert or being involved in a case or whatever.

Ditto Jade – she's got her brand of pragmatism and of managing to come out unscathed and unflapped by supernatural nonsense, it'd be fun to bounce her off another rare sensible soul like Albert who could easily turn up in Vegas working on a blue rose case.

Much to Albert's chagrin, feel free to double down on the canon-appropriate weirdness! But also on the canon-appropriate cheese...

[suckitsurveys]

What’s your favourite cereal? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Is there a bus stop near your house? There’s one at the end of my block. And a train station a few blocks away too. Do you prefer red wine or white wine? Red. What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there? Midway, to pick up Sarah when she came here for my birthday.

Who do you live with? My boyfriend and my father and Satan aka my grandmother. Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? I don’t. Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? Nope. What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It’s cold. Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently? My best friend’s sister. She named her baby Hannah after me! Just kidding but a girl can dream. Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down? Yes. What does your last text message say and who is it from? I don’t feel like typing it because it requires so much context. Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film? Nope. I’ve seen it A LOT. When was the last time you ate marshmallows? Recently, in hot chocolate. Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? Nope. How old will you be in the year 2030? 40/41. Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from? Yeah. What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on? Christmas presents. Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions? In surveys, open-ended. What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy? The store brand. If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed? I’m not at my house. Why did you leave your last job? I was only hired for the season. What colour were the last socks you wore? I’m currently wearing Bob Belcher socks which are black with white heels and toes and have Bob’s face on them. Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study? No thank fucking god. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? I have, on total and complete accident. I was in the bathroom and my friend at the time was at the table and she had the check and I was under the impression we agreed she was going to pay but her dumb ass thought I was going to pay. So when I came out of the bathroom, she was outside, so I figured she took care of it, so I walked out to meet her and we were like almost to the car when I was like “so how much was it?” and she was like “i don’t know, I didn’t look because I thought you were paying.” So I went back in and told the waitress what happened and she was cool about it and I paid. What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? There was probably something since then, but Kristen Wigg and Steve Carell’s skit at the Golden Globes. What’s your favourite scent of air freshener? Ehh, just a fresh scent is fine. How many weddings have you ever been to? Hmm. 3? I’ve been in all of them too. No wait! That’s a lie, I forgot about my cousin’s wedding a couple years ago. I was merely a guest at that one. Do you know anyone named Nora? I used to. My Aunt’s husband’s mother was named Nora, but she passed away a while ago. Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My hands and feet are SO DRY. I might treat myself to a mani-pedi this Saturday. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? Yikes, it’s been a while since I’ve played with an actual board. I played Cards Against Humanity online the other night with Ellen and Kayla if that counts. How old were you when you first became sexually active? 20. Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol? Yeah, I’ve been to an OktoberFest before. Do you own a record player and/or vinyls? There is one in our attic, but it’s my fathers. I have no real interest in it on my own. When was the last time you went out for drinks? I don’t really go out just for drinks. I’m usually getting dinner too. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope. I’d love to go to one to be honest. Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? I had to look these up. I know a Faith, a couple Graces, and a Joy. I used to know a Verity but only online. Would you ever wear real authentic leather? Eh. Have you taken out the trash today? Nope. How often do you wear make-up? Rarely. I plan on wearing some this weekend for our shop’s holiday dinner. What’s your opinion on The Simpsons? I don’t hate it but I’ve never really gotten super into it. Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes? Both are nice. Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? A few people, yeah. If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving? No. I hate taxis and uber and lyft. Have you ever done a juice cleanse? No, because they’re all giant scams. Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not? I am friends with someone I was friends with in gradeschool on Facebook and she always posts really unflattering pictures of her face but every once in a while there will be a really pretty one so I’m like what is the truth? Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out? Ugh we need to clean all of them out. The fridge in our kitchen gets filled up because my grandmother saves EVERYTHING she doesn’t eat. The mini fridge Mark and I have in the basement has been ignored because we have a full size one now, which can stand to be wiped down. That mini fridge is so gross we are afraid to open it haha. When was the last time you washed the dishes? Mark is usually the one who does the dishes. Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis? There aren’t. Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? Yeah, it’s so stupid because it’s not like there are free buses and trains and shit so whatever you do you have to pay to go places. Unless you are crafty and can find free spots. What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache? Take something. Tell me about your responsibilities at work. I open doors with magic. Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? There’s an expressway and train track basically in our backyard. I don’t really notice it inside the house, except for if the windows are open, but even then it doesn’t bother me. You become used to it really easily. The trains you can hear and feel on the inside of the house every once in a while, but not enough to disturb anything we are doing. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese? No, poutine does NOT appeal to me at all because I do not like gravy. Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers? My dad is pretty good with his phone and computer. How old are your parents, anyway? My father is 67 in April. Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them? Nope. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? There isn’t one. What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name? His first name is Anthony. Everyone calls him Tony. When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? It’s been AGES. Did you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after? I did and maybe if I find one I like. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size? Hah. What’s your favourite kind of bread? Garlic. When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get? It was fairly recently. There was definitely pepperoni on it. Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version? Yup. I have a Nightmare Before Christmas version I have literally never played haha. I think I have an original version too. What was the last thing you said out loud? ”Okay” You have to choose one: cats or dogs? Cats. How do you travel to and from work? My car that’s probably going to explode any day now. Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? My credit or debit card. Because its SO convenient. Have you ever been to a stadium concert? Yeah, I’ve seen a few bands in stadium concerts. I saw Red Hot Chili Peppers with my sister like 10 years ago. And when I was younger I vaguely remember seeing the Counting Crows (hi @tapiooocasurveys) with my sister and father at a stadium. And Bob Dylan too. I feel there’s probably another one I’m forgetting. OH! Blink-182 when I was a pre-teen.

[notesfromthepen]

The Chronicles of the king of Richmond

I came across some shit today that I had to share. Something too funny, dark, and ridiculous to keep to myself. But I had to figure out a way to first, get my hands on the material, and then how to give the context needed for it to be fully appreciated.

First I should start with the characters involved. We are a trio. Me, Joe, and the 'king'. I'll refer to him as the 'king' (with a lowercase 'k') because he wanted to remain anonymous, for several reasons, that should become clear later. 

Joe is, by far, my best friend in here and we've been pretty much inseparable for years now, (we were bunkies twice at another facility). Some of you may have read previous posts about him. We are very different people, which is often the case with really good friends. But there is no doubt that our bond is, almost entirely, built on our shared sense of humor. A sarcastic, brutally honest, self deprecating, anything for a laugh, sense of humor. 

A sense of humor developed since childhood surrounded by witty, smart-assed, assholish mentors and peers. It can be a harsh environment to grow up in, but there is a purity to be found there. An accountability and brutal honesty that is humbling and real. There are no aires allowed to survive amongst friends with no fear of giving offense. No bullshit is left uncalled, no lies left un-confronted, and no opinions restrained. Nothing is sacred and everything is mined for a laugh. 

Basically we talk a lot of shit.

Nothing bonds me to another person more instantly than a similar sense of humor. Since coming to this new prison Joe and I have found a fellow, flawed, degenerate asshole, willing to laugh at himself and judge others for the sake humor. 

This, is the so called 'king of Richmond.' His majesty is a large guy, about 6'1 and 240 lbs. of slightly chubby, bearded, man beef. He's well kept and neat in appearance (aside from his portly build). He's got some charisma and charm at his disposal and makes decent use of it when needed.

The king, however, has a glaring flaw, as do most of us. He's a raging addict, whose life is lived for, and run by, an incessant need for opiates. This adds an interesting but constantly problematic dimension to his life behind bars. The perpetual need to produce the money for his lifestyle is a constant story line. Most of his fundraising is done over the phone. Preferably through manipulation, but he's not above blatant begging from people in the free-world. Family members, friends, exes, and a sugar momma round out his fundraising Rolodex. 

A few days ago, Joe borrowed his Majesty's tablet to listen to his music, and being the stand up friends we are, we wasted no time before invading his privacy. We opened his 'sent email' files and struck gold. Dark, hilarious, sad, revealing gold. What we found was email after email of mental and emotional manipulation in a quest to fund his lifestyle. That's the sad part. The hilarious part is witnessing the level of shameless groveling, damage control, and clumsy begging, our friend is willing to stoop to. 

After an intervention filled with embarrassment, ridicule, and some tear inducing laughs from all parties, I gained the 'kings' permission to post some of the gems. 

But first a disclaimer: If any form of self-respect or sense of shame is something you're expecting, then prepare yourself, because you will find neither in these emails. Also, I wanted to maintain the "purity" of the emails as they were originally written, so I left the misspellings and incorrect grammar. However, for the sake of read-ability, I added some commas and periods here and there. Other than that they are all original text, with the exception of my commentary, which will be in [brackets].

So without further adieu, I now present to you: The Chronicles Of The king Of Richmond.

Sugar Momma

The following correspondence was sent to the kings sugar momma. As her title would imply she is his main source of income. His "Go-To". She works at McDonalds and has had the unfortunate luck to be in  "love" with the king for roughly a year now. This letter is the most recent and well into the travesty that is their "relationship". This email is more focused on making excuses for begging than actual begging, but stay tuned they get worse.

His words are in "quotes" and my commentary is in [brackets]. Some are comments and some are translations of his bullshit, what he really means.

KOR 11/24  “listen, I wasn't insinuating you were fat, and honestly I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. [he definitely was] I was giving you an example of how you could save a few bucks, so maybe out of the kindness of your heart [or from my incessant guilt laden begging] you could send me a few. Belive it or not, its rough in here, and sometimes I need money to survive in here. [Let's make one thing clear: The constant stress of his habit and the debts he accrues makes his time infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. So more money isn't the solution. It’s the problem.] That's what I was saying. I've been down for 5yrs Jenn and pretty much aint had much help, except from a few. [Just a little context. I get 50$ a month. This jackass spends 300$ a week]. We were together a long time. we broke up when I was in here, so yeah its a little different than if you were just some ex. I shouldn't exspect [too bad they don't give out money for misspelled words] it, but I would hope”. 

“I guess I wasn't who I thought I was to you. [what a word-smith]. I might have put you through a lot of shit, but you sought me out. Remember that. You knew who I was. [Yeah, so you deserve everything I put you through.] Everyone did. I was the king of that town [AND THERE IT IS! The self proclaimed king of Richmond...Oh I can't tell you how embarrassed for him, angered at him, and ashamed to call him my friend I was when I read this!] not to try and sound conceited but I was, [OK. You can't say you’re not being  conceited and then double down on your brag. BTW Richmond has a population smaller than most elementary schools. So it was a small 'kingdom' to say the least] and now no one has my back. it sucks, out of everyone, I hoped that you would have, but no!! [I hope he had a neck brace on when he wrote this. This guy can go from bragging to groveling so fast that it causes whiplash]. When we broke up I wanted you to be happy and get married and do what ever. [He ran out of ideas! That's his limit of things he could conjure up that would make her happy: 2] I just wanted you to still be there for me [AKA: support my habit] and if roles were reversed Jenn, you would have 50 every month and my family would probaly even send you money and that's the proven truth. [From probably to proven truth in half a sentence?]  And you know it, so that shit hurts me, let's just remember who's the one locked up!! I'm the old me again [king?] and I'll remember all my real friends, that were there for me, when I get out in 3 in a half years.[Yeah but will they remember you?] Not long at all. And the thing with frank, [Oh yes! Thankgod he's back on the whole Frank thing! I wish I knew his address I'd send him a bottle of whisky!] belive me, I heard stories, a few. [Yeah and they haunt his dreams] but regardless, I love you, just wish you were kinder to me. ...The king”

[That's his cleanup? Someone get him a neck brace]

KOR 12/6 [Damage control] “baby, funny you say sober honestly, but no i totally understand. im sorry if it feels like sometimes I take you for granted.[by sometimes he means 'all the time'] let me try to explain [please do], in here if you don't get in a constant routine and try to make things repetitive, the time will do you, not you do the time. [A vague prison saying he heard someone say in here once and thought it sounded cool] if that makes sense [it doesn't.], its not my intentions to make it carry over into our relationship [but if it does I'm willing to live with it] I'm sorry [that I have to do this song and dance to get money]. and I fully intend to check myself and let you know how special you truly are to me [and by 'check myself' I mean I'll continue doing the exact same amount of drugs, if not more. and I'll show you how special you are by kindly taking your minimum wage paycheck]. The money you send me is for me to live comfortably in here [get high], that means getting things done that I need to get done while I'm here [I mean, these drugs aren't gonna do themselves.] and 90%, is the food and shit i need to survive [but mostly drugs]. We are already at a disadvantage because I only get 75% of what you send, which sucks [it would be much more efficient if I could put 100% of what you send me up my nose]. And they rip us off on prices on the food as it is. So I'm sorry, but i want you to fully understand you are my baby girl [creepy] and when i get out, roles will reverse and I'll be the provider and you'll live real comfortable [said with his fingers crossed], except when I come home every night and blow that back out bitch!!!! [and theres that winning charm I mentioned! what a smooth operator] I love you. [He doesn't] I got to go to the doctor at 9:30 [Ironically its 'his' back that's blown out] so I'll call you after count [to beg for more $]. I love you [again he doesn't]. if that eases your mind [It shouldn't] I love you!!! [and one final lie to cap off this masterpiece.]

Ex-Girlfriend

These next three are to his ex-girlfriend. She's somewhere down the list of reliable donors, but desperate times call for desperate measures and being a dope fiend in prison means, constant desperate times.

KOR 11/23 "So happy thanksgiving! [Now that the pleasantries are out of the way] So I havnt had any money lately, so no stamps but I just got some anyways [2nd sentence in and already caught in a lie. Clearly if he sent this, he has stamps]. Yeah I heard all about you and Carol's argument, and Dan and Josh messaging, and you jumping in on their message, and Dan cutting into you about being a shitty ex (/friend) [OK, I have to translate. First of all, this email seems to be sponsored by unnecessary commas. I guess some people were attacking her on Facebook for not sending the 'king' an adequate amount of money] Most I agree with. [Especially the money part] You havnt been there for me Jennifer [how dare you!]. I belive you have kinda done me wrong [how do you sleep at night?] and other people believe that too [so there!]. Im not saying your wrong for living your life [but you are] and going and being with someone new [because there's no way he's cooler than me]. but you can look out for the man [I use the term man loosely] that looked out for you since you were just a baby! [???? what???? creepy! actually I need to go ask him about this one.. OK he said he meant when she was 18] When I have asked for money in the past, you deny me [who the fuck do you think you are an ex?]. Hell, I'm broke right now [and that's your responsibility]. I can't get money. [But regardless I incessantly ask for it? Blatant lie no.2] uncle only sends me 50 a month and that ain't shit, that's hygiene a month. [Who calls their uncle uncle and not my uncle? What is he an orphan from the 1800's?] You don't keep money on the phone Jenn. I don't care who your new man is [again, not cooler than me], if you truly love me, you can talk to me. And 50 dollars, every couple of months ain't shit Jenn [trust me its nothing! I blow through it in no time]. So I and everyone else just think your wrong for that [OK, now he's literally speaking for everyone. Which is strange because I don't remember giving him my opinion on how much money his ex should be spending on his habit]. I will always have love for you. I just wish you would treat me with the respect I deserve [but have in no way earned]. I've been down 5 yrs and havnt got no more than 100 dollars from you. i basicaly took the rap and I get no respect. [Now he's doing his Rodney Dangerfield impression? what's next, Dr Vinnie Boombatz? (look it up)]  That's fucked up!!!!! well I thought, since I finally got some stamps I can finally reply. I wish you would start respecting me as someone you love!!! 

'The King of Richmond' (The realest you've ever known!)”  [That last part is 100% real. I almost died laughing when I read this! The realest? No comment I can muster will be adequate at dealing with the ridiculousness of this sign off. What a heavy handed attempt to sound like a cool guy. Remember, this is to an ex-girlfriend! No way does playing the cool guy ever work on an ex. She's been in the bathroom after you. She's smelled your shit. Also remember that the whole point of this email is to beg for money! Oh I'm so glad I'm friends with this silly degenerate!]

KOR 11/24 “what? really I thought we just made it through everything; [Im going to say we and then make you feel bad for a bunch of shit you needed] your rent to your sister, the presents for the babies, your phone you needed [you know, the trivial shit]. I thought we got through it baby? [You mean to tell me the babies got my drug money?] I owe a 100$ and I don't even got a noodle right now. Thank god for you, because my brother doesn't give a fuck if I rot in here [because be knows the real me] and everyone else apparently don't care. [Possibly the most poorly crafted sentence in the history of writing, and now down to business] We can do 100 and then 50. [Tell the babies and your sister to fuck off! I have needs.] So I can eat off the 35 from the 50 for the rest of this month [hope I confused her with all the numbers and poor grammar] cause the only thing I have is 2 soaps [just to be sure, one more number]. so work with me on this and I will make that last to the first OK! [In no world, was he able to make it last until the 1st] 

[And now back to the unwarranted guilt trip:] I thought you were done with all the present buying and rent.You even had a b-day!! [So there's really no excuse for not feeding my addiction. What are you selfish? Use your b-day money!] Which I think you needed to let loose a little anyways. [You really earned it, putting up with my begging and whatnot] I love you babe. I'll call you after count were supposed to have a blizzard today F U N!!!!!” [Bringing it all together with a little sarcastic humor? NICE!]

KOR 12/5 "Really Jenn? Don't think you can shame me for [well, anything but specifically] expecting a little money every once in a while” [you should know by now that shame is not a factor!] "Its not hard to skip going out to eat or buying that extra shirt, [extra shirt?Clearly he could only think of one good example to save money.] to throw me a little extra dough. [yeah, just go hungry and topless] I didn't bring Josh or Dan into this. [This whole exchange is about his friends and sugar mamma shaming Jenn for not sending home enough money] They did that on their own. They told me the conversation they had with you. I just agreed. I also didn't tell Carol to do that. She did that after her and Josh had a conversation about what had happened. Another thing is Jenn, don't kid yourself, I blew through a 35,000 dollar [insurance] check taking care of us, making sure we had a good time and 2 to 3 thousand every month up until i did that year in county (jail) [Yeah, I was a great provider until I got arrested! And by provider I mean cashing an insurance check]. So don't cry to me about a couple hundo [that's right, he's too cool to say hundred] and your fucking Ford Contour. I think your being rude, and you tried your damnest to fuck frank. [OK this is where it goes off the rails. He couldn't wait to mention the whole frank thing so he just shoehorned it in the conversation] I heard. [I'm confused, was she successful in her 'dam nest' attempt to fuck ole Frank?] That's funny [is it?], not that I care [well, I'm convinced. Nothing screams 'I care and it hurts so much' like saying I 'don't care'], cause I do have a good girl (a ride or die bitch I wish I always had) who does take care of me and keeps money on the phone and keeps me in touch with everyone [but only when I beg and grovel]. I'm in prison still pulling bitches [WOW!!! first of all he's definitely not and more importantly that's the most pathetic attempt at intended jealousy]. my point really isn't to brag, that's not what im trying to do. [It is] I'm just saying, its possible to still have a life and support someone in prison. even a little. you have just made NO effort at all and that piss people off and me. cause McDonald's checks weren't supporting our sort of lifestyle sweetie!!!!!! so I guess I wish you would change, but I doubt it. Anyways, happy to hear your grand ma is doing good. and next time you write, attach a stamp.” [OK, he's always good for a ridiculous ending but this one takes the cake. Let's examine: He spends 90% of this letter guilt tripping, berating, talking shit to, and begging for money. Then, literally in the 2nd to last sentence, he mentions her sick grandma's recovery? I have ask him how he carries around such big balls without a limp! And if you're still naive enough to think that he's done, you clearly don't know the ‘king’.]

[Our royal highness still has enough balls, and not enough shame, to ask this poor girl to attach a return stamp so she can continue this charming and fulfilling correspondence with her incarcerated ex-boyfriend. And now its clear how he became the king of Richmond: By sheer clumsy manipulation, a ruthless disregard for self respect, the freedom of movement that a spineless body provides and a fortitude willing to stoop to any low to accomplish his goal to get inebriated. The same way presidents get elected in this country. At any cost he would take the crown and he did. Without ever being to Richmond, I can say this with confidence: Anyone who would make him king and pay tribute to his court, truly deserves his rule. What a spectacular asshole the king is and I count him as a flawed degenerate of the worst degree. But I also count him as a friend…]