#projecting because ive had a Day(tm)

[tojisun]

simon’s tensed, his naked body rigid underneath the calm spray of the shower. he’s trying his best to uncoil, for his muscles to loosen up and for his fingers to stop twitching, but then the smell of the floral-scented body wash wafts into his nose and he’s back to straining at his self-control.

because the truth is that simon’s not used to this—aftercare where it’s him who’s being cared for.

simon’s used to being the one to coax you down from your high and out of your drop, but this? your gentle hands rubbing softly on his back as you smear the soap until they sud up? it is well beyond what he’s used to. beyond what he expects from you.

he’s used to holding you close and pressing his kisses on your temple while he wipes you clean or helps as you take a swig of water. he’s used to pushing your hair away so your sweaty skin isn’t any more sensitive. he’s used to having you in his arms until your hiccups and your tremors and your tears peter away into a quiet dozing.

more than just being used to it, simon undeniably loves doing it all for you. he loves that he is the one who is lucky enough to have you in his life; the one who gets to see every of your quirks; the one who you trust with these. the one who gets to have your love, one that id too good for him, he knows.

but this—

your soft, and equally naked body, pressing on his back, using it as a vessel to smear more of the soap; your arms looping around his waist, palms sliding down his stomach; your lips hovering close that he feels the ghosts of your breaths—

this is something he didn’t know he needed.

“oh, love,” you murmur, and your voice rumbles from your chest, reverberating to his back. “shh, i’ve got you, my love. i’ve got you.”

simon nods because what else could he say? what else would he want to do if not to bask in the tenderness of your love?

a lump lodges itself in his throat, his eyes razed by pinpricks.

“i’ve got you,” you repeat like there was ever a moment that simon doubted you.

he curls his bigger hand atop yours and, finally, he feels everything holding him up spring loose.

[ea-nasir-infinite-copper-glitch]

Ill fill the writing meme because i love talking about myself lmao

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting? Standart arial, and don't care, tought i tried the comic sans trick a few times

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil? Probably not, my handwriting is terrible, actually unreadable to anyone but myself. Ive used to write on papper back in highschool when i had to write basicly everyday, now i havent touched a pen in ages.

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed? No standart ritual aside from needing music, anything else distracts me. The two songs i listened the most while writing is Respite on the Spitafields by ghost and Sacred Worlds by Blind Guardian

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral? Can't think of any rn :^

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true? I dont think i have any

6. What is your darkest fear about writing? That it all will be meaningless/no one will read what i do

7. What is your deepest joy about writing? Doing Something TM the whole, creation aspect

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go? No dialogue, just write a piece of someone going trought their day, ive wrote a small exercise a while back that fit this.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know No. Unless i hear a Noise TM then they are very real

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you? All my unfinished things haunt me daily. So much promise and so far nothing real. I had to write a thing to help let go of their ghosts

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve? Only when it fits the narrative. I dont like killing characters whitout a major reason, usually thematic, otherwise it feels cheap.

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules. Have the skill needed to make my Big Project reality, Have it reach some form of Good greater recognition/popularity, the last one i would keep for later.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy? Hard topics in general, big issues, relationships in any realistic way.

Literally just characters vibing, introspection, Over the top stuff.

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back? No one ever asked for a book to me but id have no problem doing so. Im the one people shouldnt ever lend any books because i am very careless and would likely end up dropping coffee or something accidentally on it

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends? I dont write in margins, but i did dog eared books in the past, and i use the jacket(?) of the book to mark my pages.

16. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever used as a bookmark? fuckenn... i dont remember tbh, again i use the jacket.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text. I have a post with a bunch of lore about the dragon species, i cant find it tought. But they are mammals that lay eggs, have no gender, their society mostly resemble that of bees, they have no currency, and the watsonian reason the main character goes by gendered terms despite not having one is because she thinks the words sound nice

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage. I dont think theres any passages that have interesting enough backstories.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going? My dream since childhood was to write a book, ive always liked to tell stories, read and such, i would dictate stories that my mom would write down before i learnt how to do so. But then i got really into drawing and started to foucus more on that, and ended up shifting the foucus from writing text to comic making since every artist with ocs does that. I also changed foucus on projects faster than light, so i would write 2 chapters and give up the next day, or change the entire story the next week and such.

I stuck with comics as my goal for like the past 6 years, and only early this year i came to the conclusion that i really hate the comic making part of making comics, and that i like writting much better. Im very rusty+ the fact im not as avid reader as i used to, and the quality is not really good, but im having fun.

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

Wip, finish the wip, thats all i wanted since i was 10, what even is the point of this question.

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not? I just started writting 'seriously' so i dont want to quit just yet. Also i have a massive undeserved ego, i dont think even the most discouraging,awful negative review could make me quit doing it.

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud? I have one google doc, with outline+ chapters as i write them, i used to have different docs for lore/outline/chapters but its easier this wau

23. Describe the physical environment in which you write. Be as detailed as possible. Tell me what’s around you as you work. Paint me a picture.

In the inn i stay during the week and my actual room in my house are essentially the same place, Is my room, its messy and damp but its confy enough. My table is turned to the small window and during the morning the sun hist right in my face. The table is equally messy, with cups and glasses over it, pappers stained with coffee and tea cover its surface. My one company, a small succulent that rests near the window, and a carved small owl that i need to constantly clean because its constantly molding due to the dampness.

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it? Idk what kind of prep work you would do. I just sit and write mate.

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story? Godamn i cant think of any rn. Most of my Extremely well developed characters are from my BIg Story, but it literally doesnt exist anywhere outside my head yet, so idk what is and isnt relevant to it. For my current wip is a little harder since the characters are like less than a year old. idk...Orick looks like a cat person, i think he would like to own a cat.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place? I go "what would a person in this situation with this background do" and try my best to guess.

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why? Any character thats like a stategist or planner, because its hard to make them look smart without making it look like bullshit or predicting the future

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why? Meira. Her narration came very easy to me, guilt ridden but still professional and calm, also Big Gay.

29. Where do you draw your inspiration? What do you do when the inspiration well runs dry? I was never a very original kid, im a vampire that sucks the soul out of other things to fuel my own. My current Wip main characters are based out of HK characters they resemble nothing of. Im always on the prowl for new media to steal from be inspired by

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

Sort of. I've dreamed with plots before, and i usually do my best to remember, but while at the moment i wake up feeling like that was the best idea in the world, after a while when i think about it again, its just sort of nonsense

31. Write a short love letter to your readers.

Literally Thank you to anyone who ever gave me the time of day. Im still a little haunted by those i dissapointed by never fininishing stuff but the fact that yall liked enough to make me feel guilty for giving up is also good in a way <3

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

'sometimes a dream is enough' - the last line from one of my favourite books. In context it drives me insane, it makes me rabid. But out of context its just neat

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate? Im a Drawer! also tried sculpting in the past. And YES, my current dream is to have an illustrated novel.

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go: No idea what an oxford comma is and at this point im too afraid to ask

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens? POV character being the protagonist, i just found it such a neat concept. Also the protagonist needing to be a Good Moral Character.

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know? Dinossaurs, i wanna write a story about dinossaurs one day...

37. If you were to be remembered only by the words you’ve put on the page, what would future historians think of you? Gay. Also very into dragons

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us? I dont have any Weird habits i think? I can only imagine some kind of complain about how their current food sucks.

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up? Not to be dark in the funny meme but giving up would literally remove one of the things that give my life some form of meaning

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

idk how to write poems sorry

[deeply-unserious-fellow]

ive never seen the bh6 show- what about globby is so similar to spot :0?

WELL anon, I'm glad you asked because I constantly feel the need to infodump about Globby and I often don't really get the chance to!

Note: okay so I ended up going WAY more in depth about Globby's first couple appearances then I probably should have so quick TL:DR; they're both Just Some Guy(tm) who went through a horrific, life changing accident and decided to become a supervillain because of it. They both start out as relatively incopetent joke villains that the main cast doesn't take seriously, but after fucking up and falling into a hole in the ground, they find out that they're much more powerful than they thought they were and then kick the heroes' asses, all while maintaining the "literally just some guy" energy. They also both fuckin- bully the shit out of a 15 year old-

You can read my massive infodump if you want though it's under the cut :)

See, Globby is a recurring antagonist-turned-ally in the Big Hero 6 spin off series, Big Hero 6: the Series(creative title I know). He starts off the show as a petty theif named Dibs who, in his first(cameo) appearance is getting dangled off of a roof by that bot fighter from the first movie, Yama. Also I know this doesn't sound similar to the Spot yet but we'll get there I promise-

After that, he doesn't *officially* get introduced until a few episodes later in Big Roommates 2. This is where we find out his name, his occupation, and how bad he is at being a thief on account of his general clumsiness. So in a bid to prove himself as a theif, he steals Honey Lemon's chem purse. As in her purse full of literally every chemical known to man.

So after unknowingly stealing possibly the most dangerous thing he could've stolen, Dibs runs off to the abandoned warehouse that Callaghan was using to mass produce Hiro's nanobots in the first movie, where he tries to open the portable chem lab. He manages to try a couple of times before Allistair Krei, also from the first movie, just walks into the warehouse, forcing him to hide. Turns out he's been using this warehouse to house a secret project, a rip off legally distinct copy of Hiro's nanotech headband thingy that can, appearently, control anything it's linked to? Very unclear how that works but he tells his assisstant it's worth billions and they leave. Now Dibs, ever the opportunist, decides that he's gonna steal that now actually. He ends up putting it on, but through a series of accidents, also ends up making the chem purse explode all over him, launching what I can only assume is a horrible concoction of every chemical known to man onto him. THIS is where the similarities start appearing between him and the Spot, because instead of dying like he absolutely should have, the chemicals end up fusing to his body and he becomes basically just a sentient mass of goo being held together by a very special headband.

And so after being horrifically mutated, Dibs decides to do his best Michael Afton impression and just. Walk through a busy street in the middle of the day. Because reasons I guess. See, I think the main difference between him and the Spot is that, while Spot had pretty much everything to loose when he went through his horrific life altering accident, Globby had nothing. Not to say he didn't have *some* things going for him, but he didn't have a job(unless being a theif counts as a job?), he was already estranged from his family(as proven in a later episode), and he only had one friend, who also happens to be the chillest man alive. So this is less of a life ruining thing for him and more of a minor inconvenience that he mostly chalks up to being incredibly unlucky and his main motivation is just getting some modicum of control over his new physiology. At least in this first episode. Anyways blah blah blah Fred names him Globby blah blah blah he kidnaps Krei blah blah blah he decides to be a supervillain and runs away. Though I think I should also mention that, while Globby doesn't really blame anyone for how he ended up like this(despite kidnapping Krei), Honey Lemon does blame HERSELF even though it is absolutely not her fault that he stole her purse. Idk just felt like an interesting thing to inject into the analysis.

Now Globby's NEXT appearance in the episode Failure Mode is where most of the similarities between the two show up, because Globby's arc in this episode is literally just Spot's arc in the movie. Like I'm not joking it's the same thing-

Globby attempts an art heist and is immediately stopped by Big Hero 6(sans Wasabi and Gogo), who immediately don't take him seriously because of course they don't, he sucks at this. Their individual reactions are kind of mixed bags, with Hiro making fun of him, Fred just being excited to fight a monster I guess, and Honey Lemon just being kind of upset that he's trying to steal a painting she really likes. Globby ends up putting up a decent fight but in the end gets takin down by Big Hero 6. They don't catch him though because, in his words, "they don't even make pants that can hold (him)!"

A couple scenes later, we switch from the kind of boring subplot about Hiro's school project back to Globby's second attempt at the heist! This time he gets in, but ends up trapped in the building when it goes into lockdown mode despite literally saying in the last scene that he can't be contained(he's an idiot I love him sm). He doesn't get out of the museum until Big Hero 6 arrive, and this confrontation goes pretty much the same as the first. EXCEPT!!!!!! After Baymax took the painting he tried to steal back and Globby splatters all over the asphalt, Honey Lemon makes an ice ball to throw at him. This frightens Globby enough to make him turn into water and go down the sewer grate next to him. Y'know. As ya do.

After flowing through the sewer, Globby ends up filtering out into a random field just outside of town. He reforms into his usual purple-ish pink-ish goo form, astounded by what he just did. So he decides to experiment and this scene is literally just a shorter version of the spotted demension scene in ATSV. Like it just. It is.

And so, after fully mastering his insane power set, Globby goes back for one more attempt at the heist aND ACTUALLY SUCCEEDS???? Yeah my man's kicks every single member of Big Hero 6's ass ON HIS OWN and then manages to run off with the painting! Which, sidetracking from the Spot comparisons for a sec, that just doesn't happen very often in superhero cartoons! Like the villain almost never beats the main characters in one off episodes like this, which I really appreciate the writers doing. Idk it's just kinda refreshing. Oh yeah also we find out Globby is working for the main big bad of the show in this episode but that doesn't really matter for this analysis-

ANYWAYS you can see what I mean by Globby and the Spot having the same arc, right??? Incopetent villain wants to be taken seriously after an attempted robbery gone wrong. They end up falling down a hole because their powers backfire on them a bit, but this leads to them discovering their full potential and they end up beating the shit out of the main heroes and achieving their short term goal. The only real differences are that Globby is working for somebody and doesn't turn into like. An eldritch abomination at the end of the episode.

Anyways that's where the super big similarities end, since we don't know what's gonna happen to the Spot after his "Failure Mode arc" is what I guess I'm calling it for the sake of this analysis. Globby ended up redeeming himself at the end of the first season, though it was kind of rushed, and tbh I hope that's what they do with the Spot in Beyond bcuz I want the silly to be okay :(

Anyways there is one more thing I want to point out and it's that both of them are really out here beating the shit out of 15 year olds huh. Like you could make the argument that Spot doesn't actually know Miles is a teenager, which would actually make sense and also be really funny, but Globby does NOT have that kind of excuse. Like Hiro doesn't cover his face very well at ALL, it is very obvious that that man is a child. And even if Globby DIDN'T pick it up on his own, Obake, his boss, DOES know Hiro is a child, and based off of Globby's reaction(or lack there of) to seeing Hiro unmasked, it's probably safe to assume that Obake told him who Hiro was under the mask. Which MEANS Globby willingly went up to a fuckin child and called him WEAK AND USELESS????? HELLO????? Seriously omfg I know Obake told him to do that but he WENT ALONG WITH IT DESPITE PRESUMABLY KNOWING HIRO IS A CHILD AT THIS POINT- LIKE I LOVE YA MAN BUT THAT'S REALLY HARD TO DEFEND-

Anyways uh. Yeah. That was my Globby infodump disguised as a comparison between him and the Spot. Hope you enjoyed :)

[elivanto]

Would you actually Post all or at least some fat Thrass passages because 💕 pretty pls?

anon, i won't lie, you made my day with this. fair warning, this really can't be called textual evidence or anything of the sort at all.

it's mostly just me projecting and interpreting the text badly djshjsf

(also @ fellow fatties, there's stuff in here you might find... stereotypical? or insensitive of me? i mostly just went with how i've seen fat people be described in literature, really, and the parts where i was like 'haha thrass is Kin')

spoilers for outbound flight and lesser evil under the cut!

outbound flight, chapter 11:

“Its enemies,” Thrass said, leaning on the word. “Not potential enemies. Do you hear the difference?” “Yes,” Thrawn said. “And no.” Thrass lifted a hand, let it slap against his thigh. “Let me be honest, Thrawn,” he said. “The Eighth Ruling Family is not happy with you.”

it’s the slap on the thigh for me,,

outbound flight, chapter 15:

“And this is the engine compartment,” Thrawn said, stepping aside to let Thrass look through the access hatchway into the Bargain Hunter’s engine room. “You’ll notice it has a radically differently layout from those of Chiss vessels this size.”

thrawn moving aside because thrass needs more space (ﾉ ◠ヮ◠)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

outbound flight, chapter 19:

“Then that is what we’ll face,” Thrass said firmly. “And as a syndic of the Eighth Ruling Family I cannot listen to any more of this.” He jabbed a finger at the carnage outside the viewport. “Now. Describe this battle for us.”

‘jabbing’ a finger doesn’t sound very elegant, does it? that’s how an author would describe a fat person.

lesser evil, memories ii:

Really, so what? This depth of political game was far beyond Thrass’s position or skill. The Patriarchs and Speakers and high-level syndics could play if they wanted. Not Thrass. All he was here for was to have lunch. With a friend.

look. lesser evil told us that thrass loves food and i‘m SO here for it.

lesser evil, memories iii:

If the debriefing of the Parala officers was still on schedule, Thrawn should have finished up his testimony half an hour ago. If he was still on the ground, maybe Thrass could grab his friend for a quick lunch before they both had to return to their respective duties. Mentally working out a short list of cafés near the Defense Force HQ he could offer, he pulled out his comm.

lesser evil, memories iv:

“The fleet gave me the basics,” Thrawn said. “But yes, I moved on from there. Aside from the valuable exercise involved, simulated combat also helps train the eye to notice small errors, and the mind to learn how to take advantage of them.” “Which occasionally results in free food,” Thrass said drily, waving at the platter.

lesser evil, memories iv:

[Thrass] stood up and headed quietly toward the charge register, angling across the open space as he walked to put himself between the thief and the main exit. […] The thief leapt to his feet and charged toward Thrass, clearly intent on getting past or through him and escaping out the door. Thrass braked to a stop, shifting to a poised stance that would let him move in any direction if the thief tried to dodge around him.

thrass posing as a living wall between the thief and the exit? hello??? 💖

and then—and this is really just me projecting like a moron, because i’m sure not every fat person feels like this and it’s a common phenomenon for pretty much everybody—there’s bits of the novels describing feelings of inadequacy that just really got to me, for example

outbound flight, chapter 10:

Once or twice along the way Car’das noticed Mitth’ras’safis frowning at him and Maris, as if wondering why Thrawn had brought non-Chiss along for the ride. But he never asked for an explanation, and Thrawn never offered one.

not me interpreting this not as typical Chiss Xenophobia(TM) or suspicion but as ‘wow i am uncomfortable in my body with these strange aliens around’ lmao

lesser evil, memories vi:

“Good evening, Your Venerante,” Thrass greeted the Patriarch as he hastily stood up. Thrawn, focused on his questis, didn’t seem to notice the other’s arrival. “I’m afraid we haven’t made much progress.”

like, thrass being very exact about social etiquette not only because he’s a politician, but because he’s fat and any breach of etiquette would reflect even worse on him than on other people

again memories vi:

“You planned to maneuver us into this position,” Thrass said, feeling like an idiot as he finally got it. Politics was supposed to be his strong point; he really should have figured this out himself.

lesser evil, memories viii:

“They were lugging a cargo ship with them that whole time,” Thrass pointed out, wondering why he was even arguing the point. Apparently, the low-level tension that had been nagging at him since they left Glastis 3 had suddenly blossomed to full strength now that they were actually here. “That would have slowed them down.” “I took that into account.” Thrass ground his teeth. Every single time he tried to debate something with Thrawn, he ended up on the losing side.

is anyone else always trying to make up for not fitting into societal standards re: Looks by being right about stuff and being smart and then being super pissed when they fail to do even that? because it happens to me all the damn time.

he just reads like a fat person to me so that’s what i choose to believe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and the fact that he’s not Tall and Fit in the first official art that was released for lesser evil helps of course!!

i hope this wasn‘t a letdown, and that you enjoy these passages as much as i do 😌💙

[flugmunk]

fuck it let me tell yall little story here. so for highschool the place i went to was off the norm for different schools in that there was internships shoved in so that every thursday kids can go out to the Great Big World and. do shit. get job experiance nd ll tht. to get aheaad of the curb. WELL me being an art nerd thinking my life would revolve aroun art stuff so OBViousLY i gotta do an art thing for internships. couldnt find shit for ninth grade so helped round with the cafeteria. free food. 10nth grade i was approched by two kids who haad plans to work on a film at some place and asked if i wanted in. they would do everything else and my role would be just to work on a small little animation segment for the film. i had no plans by then so well. fuck it. i agreed and joined. better than stuck in classrooms. now the thing about me nd animation is that i had. NO prior knowledge. sure i made a few gifs but thats. that is still comparable to nothing. and the animation was JUST ME. storyboard, character design. background. timing. colors. sound. JUST ME. except for the voice. i didnt know shit fuck all. and i only had one school years worth- once a week of that- and 5 hours out of THAT. to do my shit. for free mind you because it was a school based internship program. and while the other two are doing whatever else for the film, they check on me every now and then to see how progress is going along. and im a shy quiet introverted fuckermother back then and im all like "oh im fine im fine immmm fiiiiiiinnnneeee" because i didnt wanna let them down. meanwhile as i stand in their way to block the view of a burning shithouse. things were not fine. only halfway through did the internship place offer me someone WITH animation experience to guide me. guide. not helping. guide. because help would imply that now here is two people to share the work of this animation bullshit. nah that person was just there to be all "and heres what you click if you wanna do this thing in this overpriced program". eventually the thing ends, shit is ready to get wrapped up. final day. i thought i lost everything nd stayed like a couple hours searching through all the files. THANKfully i didnt actually loose the project. now i can just give it to the other two film people. i dint know shit what they were doing for the film the entire time, i was busy with wrangling the stuff of this damn animation. wanna know the best part of all this? i never gotten to watch the final product of the film. i dont even know if my animated segment is even in there. i dont have the file for said animation with me. and frankly i dont care. its over. but thats only the beginning. heres what i did for 11-12th grade for the intern program. under a read more cuz this post is already getting long.

those two years i combined because i ended up stretching the project. this time i managed to find a place all on my own. coincidentally a place that is responsible with some big film festival thing that i never attended. now the thing bout school based internships, is there the students gotta make a project for the benefit of the place. so no it could not just be normal (unpaid) office/grounds work. done with under the mentoring of a person who works at the place. the first few weeks i was just helping sort through mail, thinking of what to do for the project^tm.

motherfucker do yall wanna know what me, the mentor and the teacher that showed up to check up, came up with for the project? guess. thaats right. another goddamn animation. ALLLL ON MY OWN RAWDOGGED. huwehh. this animation was to be of "how to get tickets for attending the film festivals." sounds good enough. surely i could use the experiance ive gained only one year prior right?

listen. my memory was absolute shit. i didnot learn jack shit bout how to make animation. wanna know what my process was like? what i actually did in ordder to create a moving image? open ph*toshop. draw everything. everything. in there. savve everything as a png. put each damn png into whaatever program was to replace flash. slap the sound file atop. resist the urge to toss the equipment out the window. save final file as finished product. THAT is what id did for the internship animation the year prior. i knew that thats the worst way to go about things but its the only way i knew how. for the 11-12th grade thing, i did tht shit again. the revious year was for around 1:30 minutes long i had to do. this time was around 2 minutes. thats extraa more for me to do. alone. unpaid. again. and again it was just me on the animation. the mentor person had other things to be busy with. but this time i felt even more shitty because its already looking like shit and i still didnt want to let anyone down. the end of the year was coming up, things had to wrap up. i knew i wasnt gonna be finished. the school and job people allowed me to take the designated laptop with me to do what i need to do. i spent half way through the summer bullshiting my way through. i finished, sent the people the final file. got on the bus. went to the job place. returned the laptop. and said the final goodbyes to whoever was in the building. after that i also, didnt see what became of the animation. i never bothered checking the website. i dont even know if they even HAVE the file anymore. the mentor person got dropped out of the job halfway through anyway but at least there was a backup mentor so that i could stay around. all this just for a grade. all this just for experience. all this for experiance tht i would then forget and regret. I SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR FUCKING NATURAL ENVIORMENT WORK OR SOMETHING. restoration work or cleaning up or or. ANYTHING. theres surely pleanty of that needed. but alas time machines dont exist.

[mast7r]

ive been thinking about this for ages(tm) and keep picking at it so. bare with me / the scattered thoughts / the fact i will probably keep picking at it in future. this won't be pretty im already in pain. anyway, to start off, the hallows were not made by death. full stop nope. but they are still very powerful and all that. but death didn't make them, the three brothers are a bullshit story, and uniting them doesn't make you a master of death. but hari still united them and still got that title so lets goooo.

the peverells and the hallows: the tale of the three brothers popped up....probably at least a hundred years after the hallows did, based on rumours and whispers. they weren't brothers, probably more akin to cousins, and their need to trick death is a depends how you look at it type of thing. the three of them created the hallows themselves due to a territory war where their family was losing ground, men, and would probably also lose their land altogether at the end. the hallows were meant to help them win through sheer strength, the ability to sneak/hide, and to consult with their dead. and in the process of creating the hallows, they managed to draw on death and death allowed it. mortals can't actual summon back the dead, hence why the resurrection stone only shows a distorted ghost. deaths influence twisted it further into these projections encouraging the user to die as well. the elder wand is a very powerful wand...but there's no curse on it. deaths influence is why the holder of the wand must die but everything else came from boasting about having a powerful as shit wand. and the cloak is just an invisibility cloak. but the story of the peverells as the trio hears is is an amalgamation of different stories and put together with a little bow during the empire. there was a real peverell line, obviously, and they ended up with two of the hallows thanks to the mess that is magical britain.

the potters and death: this is a lot simpler. the potters have always been inclined to innovation, leading the way with experimental magic. and, back in the day, they drew a lot on the pillars. they stopped that, mostly, especially to fit in when they moved the family to britain. but their history became a part of their family words. kinda. originally, death wasn't referred to as an enemy but again. they had to fit into a country with a rampant discrimination to any kind of magic that was out of their norm. the potter history with the death meant nothing for hari until they became master of death, because it had no magical implications. just parasocial ones. okay. almost no implications. it was this history that meant death offered him the chance to go back. no one else would have gotten that. the pillars lack a certain humanity, and it shows in their treatment of mortals, but they make an effort with hari. they also kinda remind him its because his ancestors were a lot more respectful and less of a prick than he is.

master of death: okay so. as i already said. uniting the hallows doesn't make you a master of death. tbh that's not even what the pillars consider hari, they really do consider him an emissary or a errand boy or a little feral racoon they're stuck with now. but that's how hari understands it so they run with it. the title was created not long after the pillars were trapped in another realm, unable to properly interact with the regular world anymore. no one really knew how it happened but it wasn't long after the hallows were created (thanks to their mild drain on deaths magic) so people looking for a reason decided that someone united the three hallows against the pillars to trap them. it was just another rumour. hari uniting them meant...literally nothing. the wizarding world was stupid, and dumbledore and voldemort were just as bad as everyone else believing the hallows would give them more power. deaths offer to go back was a contract, a very old magic no one had invoked before, that signed his life and soul over to the pillars. technically they could even release him from it one day (they probably won't). death thinks the warning that going back would be old magic was enough, not caring for the fact hari doesn't know better because it was his job to ask. but he didn't, so now hari is stuck in a kind of inbetween, not quite mortal and tied to the pillars. which is why he can draw on their magic, by pulling back on the link between them.

[h1ghtechl0wlife]

im trying hard to embrace the "make art/be creative for yourself and not for commodification" but it's so hard, it's just like. so then what's the point. i know it's to like enrich yourself, etc, but it just feels mega pointless if i cant make money off it because drawing never particularly brought me joy or whatever. it was just something i got positive feedback for as a kid so i just. kept doing it. did it for work for a while and that really killed the last spark of pleasure in it. tried other mediums, more realistic painting, quilling, felting, got an embroidery kit, got some simple starter sewing guides, and at the end of the day even if i start off interested and excited partway through the project i just lose interest because what's the point? what am i doing this for?

i had a pretty good handle on felting, made some things i felt were good quality work, had ideas for future projects. got 85% done with the last project and just stopped. stopped working or caring. i occasionally think i should finish it then shrug it off. i got just interested enough to spend a good chunk of money on supplies and specialist tools then went ok, now that i have my craft dragon hoard, all done now :)

i just want to feel happy or content creating something but really all ive ever felt when working on stuff is bored, and thinking about playing a game or something. so idk how or why i started in the first place. ig just to get any positive attention from my parents and teachers. childs latest attempt at attention whoring leads to unstable miserable adult who doesnt know why he ever cared about art yet feels a gutwrenching depression and worthlessness in his inability to create anything.

maybe my moms obsession with me honing my skills faster and younger so she could show my work off and use the awards to prove what a good parent she was to have created a Talented Child^tm made it too tied to my self-worth, so now it feels bad to fuck around with in case i accidentally decimate my self-esteem by not being perfect. all those art classes she sent me to, all the restructuring of my school to put all elective focus on art, and for what 🤷‍♂️ just to make me sadder and crazier?

another day another thing to blame my mom for >:3c victims of child abuse stay winning

[ciaran-archive]

"neil being stupidly in love with the protagonist and doing a highspeed retake of that process with the younger version of him"

aaaaaaa i love how you describe this so much omggg this is EXACTLY it??? also how neil is Not Okay(TM) throughout the entire movie and hides it so very well (except for his completely trashed and heartbroken looks during mumbai).

i believe the protag is actually aware at some level, of neil going around in this perpetual sadness, but is just much too much of a professional to ever bring up something that's obviously very private and personal. he had most probably thought that after the world is saved and the dust has settled, they would have finally have time together, and he can ask neil about it. neil has promised his life story, after all.

but alas. neil goes off to die instead, to save him. so now what 😭

anyway praying to the fic gods for the rest of your tenet fics to see the light of day! <3

neil probably spent the days and weeks after protag died in his timeline daydrinking and crying and then ives bangs on his door and tells him he has to go to the past and rescue protag and neil is MY TIME HAS COME and just throws on a suit and travels back and forgets how fucking wasted he looks. we love a grieving pining idiot.

i love the idea that the protag is aware of neil’s sadness but doesn’t feel able to do anything about it and he can’t even bring it up....and honestly neil kind of doesn’t give him a chance? he’s so On all the time because he’s a chaotic little performer and it’s been a while since he’s had protag’s eyes on him and he wants the thrill of that attention again without distracting protag with his own shit (and in the middle of saving the world, no less). so that leaves the protag thinking they have time and neil going “i have five minutes to save the world and make him not hate me go go GO” and it’s just [holds them gently] [locks them in a room together].

i’m toying with the idea of neil leaving letters behind. i bet the protag didn’t tell neil about the sator thing until the end (if at all) but he must’ve told neil about his other cases, and i’m really into the idea of neil leaving letters for the protag to find at the end of every case. i imagine the protag’s really lonely in the long shadow years between neil and neil again, busy establishing tenet and their networks and it’s satisfying but it’s exhausting and idk i just like the idea of neil writing stuff like “that kid you tossed out of the way of a bomb last week will go on to work for doctors without borders and save three of our agents’ lives thirty years later,” and just...a lot of stuff that reminds the protag that he’s not saving the world for nothing. 

when he meets neil again, neil doesn’t know about the letters, but i bet he finds the box of them that the protag keeps and reads a couple before the protag takes it out of his hands and that’s how he starts writing them and making agents leave them in the past...finding ways to take care of his husband in the years he wasn’t around to do it himself.

my unposted/incomplete tenet fics are as such

aforementioned letters idea but very different; neil leaves himself letters.

a character study thing about neil pining for protag while protag’s busy burning himself out to save the world

He’s so much more delicate than anyone understands, and so much more lonely. When you were fresh out of MI6 and dead not six months you thought that was projection, but it’s not. He’s as steady as time and as ineffable as the ocean, but he’s only a person at the end of the day. He needs someone to bring him dinner and pour him a glass of water.

You aren’t sure what you are to him, but you know you’ll be anything he wants you to be. When you were young you thought of yourself as an action-hero, like all young boys—but this is his movie, and you’re just the guy that dies to save him. 

You’re okay with that.

?? fic about neil being a jaded washed-up genius physicist that no one takes seriously due to the esoteric nature of his work when the protag meets him, and the protag being fascinated by a version of neil that isn’t the enthusiastic, eager, devoted one he remembers.

thank you for your interest in them! <3 i hope i manage to get them to a place i’m happy with at some point

[haec-est-fides]

How to start Discourse TM about Octavian:

Discuss.

This struck me at like 2am so I apologize if it comes off as rude? But hear me out.

This stupid chart is a gross oversimplification ofc, but at its most basic this captures the issue regarding Octavian’s characterization / how the fandom perceives and understands him: his ambiguous motivations.

Octavian fans, as far as I’ve seen, tend to write redemption AUs and characterize Octavian as a misunderstood victim -- which isn’t to say that they excuse his crimes or anything like that! There’s actually a really good understanding of “this kid did horrific things but there’s more to it than that and he deserved better” among them tbh.

The thing is, most Octavian fans (box II / top right if you’re following) are from Heroes of Olympus and may not have read Trials of Apollo. They know, from their reading, that Gaea influenced Octavian somehow, but not about the Triumvirate. They also probably read into Will Solace’s “anemic” comment / other “unhealthy” descriptors of Octavian and think his death was a complete failure on Riordan’s part like what the fuck. What I’m getting at is that if you’re sympathetic to Octavian, want to be able to explain why he does what he does, and hear that Gaea -- the big bad of the series -- is messing with his head? You’re going to put a lot of weight on that manipulation. It colors your entire understanding of his character.

Octavian haters, which I’ll admit make up the dominant chunk of the Riordanverse fandom, are box IV / bottom right. They also largely come from Heroes of Olympus and may or may not have read Trials of Apollo. More importantly, they don’t care. These are folks who read Heroes of Olympus and didn’t stop to think about Octavian or his motives. These are people who missed or didn’t bother to think about the mention of Gaea’s involvement. As a result, they obviously don’t see how he was pushed into what he did and so they blame it all on him. To them, there is no rational reason Octavian acted like he did. He’s just “crazy” and a jerk.

(I’m also gonna say it: The most insistent Octavian haters are Percy stans / Camp Half-Blood 4 Lyfe types who think everything that isn’t Percy Jackson and the Olympians is meh at best, people who read Trials of Apollo for Percabeth content and then get big mad because they were “cheated”, people who still get upset about the pillow pet in 2020. I bring this up because even if you don’t know that Octavian was influenced by Gaea or the Triumvirate, you could conceivably find a motive by understanding Camp Jupiter / the entire idea behind New Rome -- but the graeci don’t spend any time thinking about New Rome ever. Riordan himself is notoriously shallow about Camp Jupiter and the whole series is framed as anti-Roman tbh. That’s its own discussion.)

Box III / bottom left is a wild card because I’m pretty sure I’m like,,,the only person in that box. Basically, what I got from my reading of Octavian in Heroes of Olympus was “oh wow this kid walked straight out of Rome, c. 27 BC” and “omgs, he’s Augustus II”. Trials of Apollo only confirmed that interpretation more for me. The main cause of his strife with everyone around him is that he’s trying to act like a full blown ancient Roman in a modern, mini Rome. Almost everything held against him is literally nothing when you come at it from a Roman mindset. Anyway, I hear you saying, “That’s all well and good, but box III says he WASN’T influenced by Gaea! Isn’t it canon that he was?” Truthfully? I really don’t think Gaea had all that much to do with Octavian’s actions. Maybe a nudge here or there, but nothing that would remove his agency as a rational actor in what he did. Why? Because we only ever -- and I mean ever, Trials of Apollo included -- hear that Octavian was influenced by Gaea from extremely biased speakers who admit they don’t know what happened, namely Apollo himself. Apollo, whose ego is so big he would never admit to being played by a teenager. Hell, this should get its own post one day. Moving on.

Box I / top left is really the most rational place to be. It isn’t very popular because it’s just,,,complicated. It allows for sympathy and understanding, which the Octavian haters can’t or won’t consider. It allows for blame and agency, which many Octavian fans prefer to avoid. All in all? It’s likely that the Triumvirate (which is honestly just shorthand for Extreme Romanness) played a role in Octavian’s worldview and therefore his motives. It’s also likely, if you take the text at face value, that Gaea pushed Octavian over the edge to divide the camps. If all of that is true, he’s a complex person who got dealt a bad hand but still played dirty with it.

Now, before I shut up, I want to make clear that I’m not actually trying to start shit. All interpretations of Octavian are wonderful and valid! He’s a very badly-developed character on Riordan’s part and that means you can hc almost anything. (That’s why there are so many readings of him in the first place, and there’s nothing we can do about it.) Also, I know that a lot of Octavian fans project / see him as a comfort / coping character, and I did not mean to demean that or otherwise upset y’all with this post. <3 I just wanted to share an observation as to why Octavian, as b-plot villain as he is, is such a divisive character in the fandom.

[strawberryybird]

Me sees the character songs post, immediately wants to know what character songs you have for the characters and why.

ok so. welcome to the rabbit hole that is my music taste and what is my no.1 most frequently done activity.. plastering emotions i have for fictional characters all over my music taste. I restricted myself to ¾ songs for each character & then to Edie, Hubert, Dorothea, Lysithea & Byleth because otherwise we’d be here all day (and those are the Primary Daydream Candidates rn)

under a rm because as im sure we’ve all seen.. i just don’t fucking stop.. also i got weirdly deep about some of these topics. i don’t know how to tag it. tread careful?

Here are some songs.. welcome to my (notoriously bad) music taste. alsoi go in Very heavy handed about it all. i make only a few apologies:

Edelgard:Everybody wants to rule the word - tears for fears. (ucan go with Lorde’s cover but i prefer the original bc im like that.) i meanit’s pretty heavy handed but it’s such an Edelgard song it !!!! fuels my ficwriting. if it’s not so very Edelgard’s relationship with twsitd then idk whatto tell you. plus it’s an iconic song

Medicine - daughter. (daughter is My Favourite Band. Ever. I cannot articulate how much ilove their (and ex:re’s) music!!) anway. this is a hegegard song & i don’ttake constructive criticism. I’ll reiterate this better in other descriptions,but please don’t take my inclusion of a song about such a topic as adevaluation of it in any way, that’s not my intention. The reason I go so feralfor Hegegard is because im no stranger to watching someone you care about hurt themselvesin a way you can’t stop, and that’s what the AM ending evokes in me. Hence: asong I love that one can read the same story in. And then the lyrics ‘You couldstill be / What you want to / What you said you were / When I met you” just !! parallelsEdge of Dawn’s lyrics about regret & overall I’m very feral about this.

(Don’t Fear) The Reaper - blue oystercult. this is PRIME Edelgard telling freshly-awokenbyleth she’s been waging war for 5 years. also !!!! “Seasonsdon’t fear the reaper / Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain, we can be likethey are” >>> “The Edge of Dawn (Seasons ofWarfare) (フレスベルグの少女～風花雪月��,lit. Girl of Hresvelg ~Wind, Flower, Snow, Moon~)” .. the link is tenuous but coincidence?? is it, fuck.

Seneca - Novo Amor. this is another one of those songs that could mean something different to everyone. very easy to project onto, is novo amor. I like the story of being prepared to run and break ties at any given moment, but ending up - emotionally or physically - in the same place one always was. apart from the glaring tie of how Edelgard returned to garreg mach, this song is a lot of me trying to repatriate Edelgard’s lack of emotional arc in the game by saying . well. this song. 

You can call me Al -  paul simon. am i projecting edeleth thoughts onto my favourite song? it’s morelikely than you think!!! but also i like the chorus and all the exasperating ‘call me el’jokes i can make.. i may be half writing a fic based on this song.

Dorothea:Agnes - glass animals. so i have significant emotions about edelthea at the best of times !! and this song !!! really bloody hits it home !! yes I knowit’s got a really heavy and real subject matter and I’m not trying to devalueit or minimise it.. but the story - about watching someone close to you hurtthemselves/get hurt, and doing so in ways you can’t stop them from - is adamn real one. And a Lot of why I love Dorothea’s character in the gamebecause she’s the one who can’t stop her friends from getting hurt – through exposureto warfare .. or  stopping Edelgard becomingthe monster at the end of the story. Even though she’s one of the healers onthe beagle’s team. And I feel that.

Ex’s and Oh’s – Elle King. So you know that one spn fanvid featuringthis song about all of dean winchester’s relationships? That, but for my flirting Queen Dorothea Arnault. (and I have the dumbest most fun little headcanon thatonce Dorothea and Sylvain derailed a lgbt+ society meeting whilst Edie wastrying to go over the budget by blasting this song and dancing on the table.The idea makes me laugh)

Hold My Girl – George Ezra. The whole thing about wanting just that onemoment to cherish the people you love for one moment more before you have goout face the world? If that’s not the timeskip’d Dorothea Arnault Aesthetic, Idon’t know what is.

(Call Me Out – sea girls. On a much lighter note, this song is fueling the later half of mydrafts of road trip au. And it’s literally because of that one verse. im gayshut up.)

Hubert:Red Right Hand – nick cave and the bad seeds. Is it on the nose? Is itheavy handed? Oh u fuckin bet but that won’t stop me!!! A) it’s a good song. ItIs. B) I like narrative songs. C) Any ‘red right hand’ symbolism in Anycharacter has me love them immediately and also plonk this song in the middleof any playlist about them. sure, the artic monkeys version might be a bit more on hubert’s brand.. but my mileage varies about it lmao

I had fortress by bear’s den earmarked for Hubie, as I think it’s easilyread about boundaries and a one sided intense relationship & that’s! Hubiebaybee! But I can’t possibly cover unhealthy relationships without shoving thealbum Hospice by The Antlers into every which way of it. It’s by no meansdirectly translatable to Edelgard and hubert’s relationship and it’s arguable ifI should even mention it in the same sentence as a bloody fictional character… that beingsaid, I’ve been having emotions about:Shiva – the antlers. This song specifically reads to me to be a really goodarticulation of my own thoughts about Hubert’s perspective of Edie getting experimentedon. heavy but damn. I like that. I just see a lot of what their teen years togethermust have been like in Shiva.

Time – Pink Floyd. Ok so.. it’s like Hubert in parallel bc I think thissong is a lot about searching for a purpose/reason or a quote unquote bloodyred path in life. And I may have been listening to it when I watched Hubert/DorotheaA support & now it’s just permanently associated with it bc it complementedit so well. And I like it. So . it stays. It’s very much a beagles song to meas well.

Lysithea:The Beautiful Dream – George Ezra. Ok so I read this Edelysithea ficwith this on repeat bc the title reminded me of it, and then I stuck it onrepeat because it worked too well and now.. im crying.. and i like the inflection of Lysithea’s bitterness over the titular lyric. (but also, it remains one of my steadfast edeleth songs.. sorry lys)

Secrets (Cellar Door) – Radical Face. Another Edelgard&/Lysitheasong!! I really like their relationship ok. And given the song itself can beread straight or an allegory for whatever you particularly want, but the storyis just too on the nose for me not to mention it here.(also general advocation of listening to the whole of radical face’s musicbecause I’ve loved it for years now & the work is beautiful.) (also it’swonderful for fe awakening projection. Or ur own.)

Oh Children – nick cave and the bad seeds. there’s a million different interpretations of this song, but to try nail a few onto Lysithea.. there’s the harry potter use of making/finding a light in the depths of tragedy & i love that for Lys. there’s the whole ‘the kids aren’t alright’ theme and it’s various depths. and i like narrative lyrics to plaster my large fictional-character-caused-emotions onto, so make of this one what you will.

Marianne (and Lysithea too if you like)Bad Blood – Radical Face. Ok so. This is one of my favourite songs in bloodyexistence, and it’s so loaded with meaning & it has a metric tonne of it. Icould wax lyrical about how much I love Radical Face’s work. I don’t want myinclusion of this song (specifically this one) to in any way devalue it. Butmusic is ofc incredibly subjective, and so is my reading of a lot of threehouses – in case it’s not bloody obvious by now. There’s a Lot of stories onecould take from Marianne’s character (and none of them are More Valid^tm thanany other), and I do see a very personal story in her – as I do in this song. Hgghhghive just spent 10 minutes trying to find an impersonal way to talk about twovery personal and relative stories, which naturally doesn’t work. That, and theway I read her story is Real Fucking Dicey for tumblr.com. so if this song is about accepting rejection because of parts of yourself so deep they’re in your blood, i think.. y’all can see.. where my neurodivergent gay self is going with this..

Byleth:Something to Believe In – Tom Walker. Yeah. You’re bloody welcome. If this isn’ta completely on the nose Byleth song, I’ll eat Dorothea’s hat.

Don’t Let the Man – Fatboy Slim. ~ And the sign said green-hairedpartially possessed emotionally void mercenaries need not apply for aprofessorship at the country’s most prestigious academic centre… ~

Emigrate - Novo Amor. this just fucking Got Me in the ‘actively choosing crimson flower’ feelings. im an emotional wreak but its aight. the lyrics just matched up too well for me to let it go !!!

Alps - Novo Amor. this hit me in the ‘i miss the gremlin child sothis’ feelings one day and now it’s permanently stuck that way.

Make Them Gold – chvrches. (this is very much associated with awakening’sfuture past kids and also the Carmilla series in my mind But!!) I love a story about‘if we’re all falling, we’re going down together’ and the magical power of teamwork, and how it brings out the best in people.. & that’s what this song& Byleth kinda bloody stand for ya know??

woooh.. oh my god . i need another cup of tea.

[notcatherinemorland]

absolute brain dump here for like?? posterity?? for 25y/o me to find later and think ‘what the fuuuck past me’?? for me to read in like a week and think ‘what the fuuuck past me’?? because i grew up on the internet and rewatched bo burnham and my identity is intrinsically entwined with needing external acknowledgement of my life and now i simply must air my laundry to the people who found my blog on tumblr dot fucking com??

anyway. at this point, content warning for me. same old awful mental health, different day tbh. just everything here.

1. i miss writing essays so much. like. i miss being in an academic environment so much. i miss getting to actually use my brain. i miss breaking things down as far as i can and rebuilding them for my own purposes. god i miss it.

1.5 my language on tumblr is painfully casual to the point i’d call it ‘unmalicious rhetoric’ but my standard style of speech is RP accent meets an austen novel pulled out the backside of a profanity dictionary

2. degree choices have been narrowed down to english lit with blank or planning/urban development

3. yes i am actually genuinely interested in planning but i don’t talk about it here because my interest is pretty based on my own perception of my interests and i don’t like not being believed when i say i want a career, a career based in social history and policy, something thats both theoretical and practical and also i geneuinely really like architecture and built environment development and heritage sites. 4 people out of everyone have believed me when i say i’d like to study planning.

4. my dad’s a planner. hence people don’t believe me when i say im here out of independent thought and free will hggjhhgfn

5. ive spent the last few days solidly thinking about gender and ive turned myself around in 17 circles and a triangle to boot. so its not going Great. 

6. depression pit is slowly getting deeper and idk where the shovel came from nor how to put it down. but at least i know im holding the fucking shovel. this is an excessively tortured metaphor

7. i got my educational psych report re-issued to me from uni after my drs office lost my fucking copy & turns out they DID!!! give me an adhd label: educational edition!! which means i was RIGHT and i’m going to FISTFIGHT the nhs and i have something to wave at my parents when they don’t believe me YEAH

8. educational label of adhd, if you wondered, is not the same as a full medical label of adhd. it’s like the lite^tm edition. doesn’t get you meds but it does get you extra time in exams and the understanding looks of uni faculty members. 

9. turns out writing road trip au which features two young adult characters trying to get a handle on dealing with 1′s poor mental health/trauma whilst neither fully understand the depth and true expansion of it brings up a metric FUCKTONNE of memories i’ve only talked about with a counselor or whilst drunk with people who were in the vicinity of that friendship with me. so that’s been wild.

10. turns out its really hard to write a ucas personal statement whilst hideously depressed and fairly suicidal. this is a fact i conveniently forgot. this time round its now got to feature a justification for leaving my degree, ie: arguably worse bc i can’t write about my a levels. 

11. on a lighter note i figured out i was depressed as fuck because i had the thought ‘hmm maybe it’s just time i move on from fire emblem?? i just don’t love it like i did... wait a fucking second - ‘. i love fe like i love life itself. don’t know Why its anime chess of all things that won my love but damn i don’t regret it at all.

12. i’m making an emmeryn cosplay for mcm next year. with sewing and everything. past me was really stocking up for the winter when they booked concerts and cosplay projects and fanfics back in september huh. 

im too lethargic to write more but thats probably a good thing lmao. xoxo gossip girl

[azenta]

How do I stop a Fi-Si loop?

After almost a month, I finally had the energy and could take some time to answer you! So, sorry for the delay, I am occupied due to work and due to personal reasons too.

So… Short answer: Use Ne.

Long Answer: Okay, honestly, my Ni has way more to say than that. Simplicity is not my strength lmao. And if you came to me for an answer, I expect you know how much I suck to make short, simple and condensed answer.

So, it is a tad bit more complicated than just “learn to use Ne”. An INFP looping means many more things than simply the bad use to non existent use of their Ne. It usually mean an unhealthy Fi, overused Si and a very unconscious and unpredictable inferior Te (so greater risk for griping).

In other words, other than typology ones, it means the person is probably trying to avoid “something” or/and have benefits in maintaining themselves into their delusional world. Therefore, the enneatype and IVs can be very helpful in assessing why there is a loop. However, I cannot elaborate on each possibilities, it is not what I believe will be the most useful anyway nor my forte to begin with (*inf Se*).

In any case, it doesn’t change it must be Ne who must be (re) used to get out of the loop. But it is important to understand why you resist Ne, why do you avoid using this function, as depending on the why depends how to stop resisting it.

Like I said, there are “benefices” gained from looping, or else, nobody would loop. By benefices I mean, it advantages people to keep themselves in that dynamic, thus why it can be so hard to get out of one or to be receptive to other people’s advices. So, it is extremely important to be Brutally Honest with yourself, to admit what you believe even if you feel or think it is wrong.

Example: I have found that unconsciously I believed I absolutely needed to be perfect, but consciously I knew it was impossible and so “wrong” to think that or to ask myself this perfection. However, I still profoundly believed I had to be perfect. My rational mind was telling me it made no sense, but I still continued believing that perfection was needed. But why? Why I’d keep believing something so goddamn ridiculous if “it makes no sense”? Because aiming for perfection made me be a Good Person TM (= benefices). And on top of that, if I continually aimed to be perfect, then nobody got the right to criticize me and tell me I don’t make the effort as I continually strive for perfection ( = avoiding critic and so avoiding to be confronted to imperfection). If I always strive for perfection, then I am good.

In relation to my Ni-Ti loop dynamic, what happens is any commentary or people feedback become a “critic” in my ears (Fe resistance). So, any external feedback (Fe and eventually Se) become a threat to my sense of being a good person striving for perfection. Ni has built a vision where I need perfection and so continually aim for that and Ti rationalizes my ideal and my doings into fitting my vision, despite the fact that looping mean I am stuck in my head and in a stagnant and rigid state rather than actually getting better. Truth will be that if I don’t listen to other’s perspectives (Fe), I have no objective standards to judge myself on and see what I really need to ameliorate. But listening to Fe means admitting I am not perfect, which I fear and avoid, thus the loop.

So, here comes the “Ok, but now wtf do you do to stop that?”.

Yes, we need to listen to the auxiliary to get better, but it is unrealistic to confront ourselves right on to the auxiliary since somewhere in our mind we hold some beliefs, some truths that are totally against what the auxiliary has to bring,which is also True. So here comes the deal… This deal is to find the middle point with what the Auxiliary has to offer and the truths you hold within yourself. I’ll take my case as an example again to illustrate: I aim perfection, Fe wants to bring improvement through an objective judgement. Both truths have the same goal => betterment to be the best I can be (aka To Be Good). It is impossible to be perfect, but it is possible to improve as a person. Therefore I needed to learn to compromise my standard for perfection and transform it with the standard to be “better”, the latter allowing me to be imperfect, accepting of my actual self and therefore to other’s feedbacks => Fe. In other words, I changed my conception of “perfection”. Perfection before was: no mistakes, always optimal despite never having done or seen what I am about to try. Perfection now is: doing your best, even if your best sucks, and then simply see (meaning it includes Se too, woot!) how to actually get better if it matters to me (and Ti!).

Now, related to INFPs; it is the same principle.You need first to establish what makes you stuck in the loop (inner beliefs, fears) and then see what Ne brings to the table and that is (too) confronting to you, or that you resist due to that inner belief.

If you are lost to what Ne pushes to do, I have a suggestion of what can make you integrate Ne progressively.

An INFP looping often fears the inconsistency in the external world and the possibility they will get lost in all those new potentials. Therefore, Fi engulfs itself with Si into a never ending self-confirming loop of self-righteousness, and keep shoving others away if they have the bad luck to think a tad bit differently than what the INFP value in order to keep safe what the INFP deemed “right” by known “facts” (Fi-Si, unconscious Te). Ironically, Ne has for goal to manifest their Fi in many ways rather than make it inconsistent like unbalanced Fi fears.

There come the importance to go step by step, and this means to follow the Fi-Si train of thoughts in the beginning despite it being wrong or very stupid. It involves either showing to this INFP or to yourself if your are an INFP, some novelty, but that still align with the comfort of the loop. In other words, it is to introduce Ne slowly in a way that is not seen as too uncomfortable at first and then progress slowly into more divergent ways that become challenging to Fi and Si, but not too abruptly to avoid making those to shut themselves off again.

So, more concretely, it is as simple as introducing one new and very simple thing, like listening to new musics, but still in their favorite Fi-Si genre, in their routine, but that still maintain the routine. And then evolving this into breaking the routine some now and then like going for a walk some days without planning (/anticipating) anything, or doing it despite the anticipation, starting off a new project even if it is not meant to be finished, brainstorming on stories, new musics, meanings of a favorite movie, until it becomes listening to new genres or new movies, reading new books and new genre of books, new interests… Also, making out with friends can greatly help I believe as it is the best way to be confronted with something external, new, different and that ask to be thought in many new perspectives in other to bring fluidity in the relations. So, it will ask Ne to jump in and perceive as many new potentials and create as many new project, ideas, possibilities, etc. it can. And this will ask to reinvent Fi.

It is tricky to do and ask, like I said, great honesty with yourself. It is not easy to do, and it asks time to get out of a loop, especially a very persistent one or if your are in unhealthier stage. So, I’d advise to be very patient with yourself and comprehensive. Go one step at a time. I personally can’t elaborate further my example as depending on the fears and beliefs depends how’s the best to bring back Ne in the equation. If you wish to talk about it, I will gladly take the time to listen to you. Know for a fact that I am pretty occupied and may answer with delays, like with this ask :’) I am still sorry about it.

I also invite any INFP that have dealt with loops to weight in too, it could be of great help.

So, if anybody has any other question or need clarifications, just ask :) Thank you for your question btw.

[domesticangel]

ok ive been wanting to do an OC redraw/redesign for a while now and uh, well here it is !!! top is obv the revamp and bottom is these three’s original designs ,,, the bottom pic is 9 years old (holy smokes) so i made them during my middle school emo/scene phase when i was like 12 so thats why they're.........Like That lmao but left to right in both pics is jude, elliot, and skipper!!! this was? so fun honestly

ummm lots of info/backstory about them under the cut lol

so in the original pic/designs… if I remember correctly jude and skipper were in police academy training to be cops and elliot was some punk ass kid theyd end up seeing around a lot cause he was in and out of holding for Delinquent Things, and ofc they magically became friends. Im pretty sure they were all 16/17 when I first made them which makes no sense at all (teen cops??? Ok) but like when ur 12, teenagers are Practically Adults BUT none of that is Canon TM anymore. In their redesign they range from early to late 20’s; I usually peg jude around 26-27, elliot is probably 23-24, and skipper is 21.

jude was the very first oc I ever made so shes always had a special place in my heart… I started churning out rapid fire ocs when I was in middle school that id toss when I was bored with em but shes the one that always stuck around!! Shes been a big honkin lesbian ever since her conception, so id use her a lot to express BabyGay feelings I didn’t really know how else to process. design wise I kinda just simplified her look; I have no fucking clue why she used to have an eyepatch and cat ears (I mean, I do, its because I was a weeb) but I got rid of those along with the scene hair and gave her longer hair with more natural waves and some freckles from spending a lot of time in the sun. her gray eyes and hair were always kind of her signature, so those got to stay! She mostly just wears anything that’s easy enough to move around and get work done in; tank tops, loose long skirts, etc. think futch hippy. anyways jude is now just a simple plant witch who uses her skills and connection with the elements to run a modest local farm, and even though shes fairly content in her lifestyle, she wants nothing more than a gf/wife that she can work hard to give a good life to :3c shes a hopeless romantic and has a bad habit of falling a little bit in love with every woman she meets, but shes mad shy when it comes to flirting, so more often than not shes just a sweaty ball of pining and infatuation. Whenever shes feeling some type of way about a girl she either obsessively takes on projects around the farm or house to distract herself or rants to her plants about how shes too afraid to express her feelings. RIP useless lesbian jude. Anyway shes the oldest of the trio, so shes very protective of elliot and skipper in a mother hen kind of way. She gets embarrassed when she realizes shes lecturing them like a cranky old maid, but they secretly don’t really mind it and often come to her for general life advice. I think her sign would be Taurus :3c (and probably an air moon since she’s kind of a space cadet)

elliot was REALLY FUN to redesign bc I honestly just wanted him to look like one of those people who had a HUGE scene phase way back when and just… never completely grew out of it lmao so I gave him the two-tone mullet he deserves, grown out roots hes definitely not gonna bother to re-bleach and re-dye, and piercing scars under his lip from where he used to have some tacky ass snakebites that he probably had to take out to get a job or something lol. he couldn’t completely give up piercings though, so the labret and gauges got to stay. Dudes not COMPLETELY stuck in 2007, but he does still enjoy a lot of the OG emo/punk bands and the fantasy of making it big in his own band and touring the country in a fashionably clunky van. He doesn’t exactly have a band, but hes working on that. Hes halfway decent on vocals and a guitar so he spends a lot of time combing through the local college town he lives and works in in hopes of finding some people who’d wanna play some gigs with him. But in the mean time, he works as a barista in a local café, which usually hooks him up by letting him do some acoustic sets at night every now and again. Hes a very warm and upbeat person, and will happily engage and talk the ear off of anyone close enough for him to do so, stranger or otherwise. He also regularly reminds jude and skipper how much he loves both of them and how glad he is that theyre all friends; He doesn’t really have much in the way of embarrassment or apprehension when it comes to what hes feeling. Hes the official unofficial “plan-maker” of the friend group and is able to bring them all together for quality time, because hes not at all passive like jude or skipper, and… usually has the most free time out of all of them lol. elliot is pure Leo and that’s about all there is to that

And finally, congratulations to skipper, who against all odds, looked normal enough that I didn’t really have to change anything at all about his design! Just had to ditch the uniform for your typical Tired Gay mustard sweaters. Skipper is an English major in his sophomore year of college who, like most people in their 20’s in liberal arts programs, is desperately trying to figure out what he wants out of life and also doesn’t know what sleeping or self-care is. He really enjoys writing, but doesn’t really know if he wants to do it for a living or if he even could. He grew up with pretty cold and distant parents, so on top of knowing they don’t really approve of his major, he pretty much always operates under the assumption that if hes not working himself to death hes not justifying the space hes taking up or the air hes breathing. Emotionally speaking hes more emo than elliot will ever be and his blood is probably 75% caffeine. He having kind of a rough time tbh but hes gritting it out in hopes that things become more clear eventually. He’d be way worse off if he didn’t have jude or elliot, who hes more thankful for than he can ever bring himself to express. They were essentially his first real, close friends, and despite skipper being incapable of asking for help, they always seem to know when he needs someone to talk to or even just a brief distraction; Jude has an open door policy for her farm and will let him come over and cuddle some rabbits or sit and talk over tea on her porch whenever he needs to, and elliot cant remember the last time hes made skipper pay for anything he ordered from the café, or the last time he even had to ask skipper what he wanted. Because hes the youngest of the three its sometimes their instinct to protect him, which embarrasses skipper out of his mind, but he knows they mean well. Hes the physical embodiment of Just Doing His Best and is a stone cold Capricorn

They’re still besties but basically met just from living in the same town; jude and elliot met when jude started providing the café’s local roast from the coffee beans she grew on her farm so elliot saw her fairly regularly and of course was like Oh Friend? Jude always liked how forthcoming elliot was as it complimented her generally reserved nature, and elliot always thought living on a farm and growing your own food was pretty punk rock and therefore pretty dang cool in his book. They both got to know skipper because he came to the café every. single. day. to ingest ungodly amounts of espresso and study all day, and when elliot took an interest in skipper, jude suggested he invite him to one of his gigs since the poor guy kinda looked like he needed a break. Skipper initially kind of politely shot elliot down, but jude took a chance and found skipper later to tell him how much itd mean to elliot, and that if it made him feel better she’d go with him, since going to events like this was different for her too. skipper apprehensively agreed at that point, and the rest is history !!! they all kinda hit it off after that

tl;dr

[liliverse-ish]

Bʀᴇᴀᴋ Mʏ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ 🌙  preview pt 25

a/n: THERES A SECOND PART COMING TM AND THEN IMMA MERGE THEM AS ONE BUT I PROMISED TO POST TODAY AND I DIDNT GET TO FINISH BC I HAVE HW AND IVE BEEN BUSY W WORK BUT IM GOING TO FINISH TONIGHT ILLYYY

~тaeнyυng х reader

~ pt 25/??

~ birthday preview

~ prev ||  next

posts everyday at 9pm est

requests are open!

You giggle looking down at your phone seeing all your friends being a little dumb. Your birthday had finally arrived, usually you weren’t one for birthdays because they were just another regular day. At least that’s what they ended up feeling like since you had either school or work that took up most of your time.

Tae really put his all in celebrating your birthday this year. Buying gifts left and right; anything he thought that you’d enjoy he got. So far thing between the two of you really had gone well; it seemed things were getting somewhat serious. You spent almost every single day together, finding any free time to see each other and have little dates. Every time he was near your heart overflowed with love, you were falling in deep. It seemed, at least to you, his eyes were brighter, his smile sweeter, his touch a little warmer, and his heart a little softer.

With everyday that passed your feelings got stronger, and you were almost 100% sure you had fallen deeply, madly in love with Kim Taehyung, your best friend. It was different now though; before you tried your best to ignore what you felt because he’d never feel the same but that has changed. Now you knew his flirting and clinginess wasn’t all in your head, it was real. Jungkook, being his roommate, was constantly teasing you about stealing his boyfriend and hogging him night and day. There were times when he’d complain even when he wasn’t with you but you assumed it was him just messing with you. The others were very supportive about everything and very invested in the relationship.

For tonight though, you guys weren’t really bothering with thinking about the budding relationship. It was time to enjoy the party and get drunk out of your minds. All the boys had agreed on things to help you get prepare and were going to be at your place an hour early. They said you were going to need some help protecting your place for the destruction that was to come. Already you could see the mess that would be waiting for you tomorrow morning. Beer cans and bottles scattered everywhere. red solo cups covering every single flat surface, strange puddles of liquids on your wooden floor. Maybe you shouldn’t be celebrating your birthday with a hundred drunk college students… oh well.

The night before Taehyung had come over to give you his final present and stay the night with you. It was huge teddy bear and a bunch of balloons with a bouquet of roses. In that moment you had no idea how to react so you jumped on his and wrapped your legs around his waist. He got caught off guard so you both fell to the couch behind him and you both laugh. You felt your smile grow just thinking back on that memory and you looked up to your ceiling. After doing what you need you had come to lay down on your bed but you couldn’t calm your mind from constantly thinking of Tae. He was in your guest room changing into his outfit, he had brought two full bags of clothes to make sure he was prepared for any outfit color you chose. It was these small things he did that always made your heart swoon and jump out of your chest. They gave you hope, hope that everything would be alright if the two of you made the decision to stay together.

Some could call you ignorant for trusting a fuckboy, even if he’s your best friend. That made it worst thought because you had seen all the moves he makes to get girls or to break hearts, you knew his little games. There were girls in your classes that “warned” you about him, they said when they hooked up he was quick to leave and ignore their entire existence. They said he may be a little nicer because you were friends but at the end of the day he was Taehyung. Not going to lie this ran through your head a lot, you always wondered if he was playing games but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. He would never you thought, he cares way too much about you not just romantically but as a friend. Was he really the type to not give a fuck and hurt his own best friend knowing she’s head over heels for him?

You don’t know though, and that in itself drove you crazy. He had so much power in his hands, it was all in his next move to see what came out of everything.

You eyelids slowly began to close trying to keep away the negative thoughts that had already starting coming through. Tonight is for having fun, enjoying your birthday, celebrating you. Suddenly the empty side of you bed sunk down and a body laid next to yours. He slowly turned and wrapped his arm around your waist resting his on your chest.

“Princess, are you taking a nap before your ruin your liver tonight?” he whispered not wanting to wake you up in case you were really asleep.

“Mhm. Oppa really has good ideas about charging up before a party,” you giggle.

He chuckles at your comment and somehow cuddles closer onto you; you bring your free arms and wrap them around him pulling him even closer. You both had always had cuddling sessions and slept in the same bed together but it’s been completely different nowadays. They felt, weird, a good weird. The type of cuddles that made you want to giggle and blush and just be there forever if it was possible. As soon as you both started to get into your nap a loud bang can from the front door being swung open. Six voices filled the empty rooms at your place, their feet shuffling around trying to find where the star of the night was. Once they reached your room they saw the two of you laying holding each other and began their teasing. Jimin and Jungkook hyped it up the most jumping on the bed and falling on top of the both of you claiming they wanted cuddles too. Jin and Namjoon were hand in hand laughing from the door. Surprisingly Hobi and Yoongi were also hand in hand but their expressions were unreadable. Almost as if something was bothering them but as their eyes met yours their smiles appeared.  

“ALRIGHT MY CHILDREN LETS HEAD DOWN AND GET OUR DRINK ON!” Namjoon yelled overly excited.

“Hell yeah!” Jungkook jumped off the bed and made his way down with the rest of the guys.

Taehyung and you took a bit longer trying to unwrap yourselves and fix up the messiness that was created by the cuddles. As you made your way down, his hand found yours and intertwined your fingers. He loved being touchy, he lived for holding hands, hugging, and any type of affection. Time passed as you guys pregamed in the middle of kitchen. Each one of you complained about all the assignments that were being given in almost every major. Most of you being art majors, you enjoyed and hated big projects because you had creative control but the deadlines really killed.

Slowly more college students began arriving and started drinking. In the beginning most of them tried their best to greet you but as the night went on they completely forgot why they came in the first place. The music was blasting and shaking all the beautiful paintings and pictures on your wall but you didn’t mind. it felt good to let loose and celebrate you. The guys had stuck by your side most of the night wanting to drink as much as possible with you.

“No Jungkook stop you can’t say those things to a girl!!!” Jin scolded the youngest.

“Jin hyung. I only wanted to know if she keeps money in her bra like y/n!”

“You can’t ask so freely unless you know her!” he shook his head, “She’s going to think your a creep.”

“That’s okay,” Jungkook shrugged and his bunny teeth came out as his lips spread into a big smile.

You didn’t know how many shots you had taken but it was… a lot. Plus the guys were refilling your red solo cup right after you finished, it felt like you were floating at this point. Taehyung had drank just as much as you taking every shot you took filling his cup just as much as yours got filled. He was gone. You were a bit surprise to find out he was even more touchy as a drunk. He turned to face you and brought you into a hug, his arms wrapped around your waist and his head rested on your shoulder. You were leaning against a wall in your house as the rest of the group circled around you. His soft lips began to peck your shoulder sweetly, he moved up a bit and started kissing your jaw. Your knees felt weak as he got closer to your ear.

His raspy voice whispered, “You’re so beautiful y/n.”

“Thank you,” you spoke back softly not really knowing what to do.

His lips continued to leave trails of kisses along your neck and shoulders until he finally reached your lips. He only gave you a small peck and let go of you.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day long but I haven’t had the balls to,” he chuckles as he bends down speaking into your ear, “I almost forgot to tell you. I have one last present to give you. But it’s for when were both alone.”

You’re eyebrows knitted together and your head tilted to the side, “Birthday sex?” you asked teasing him jokingly.

“I mean if you’re down…” you playfully smack his arm, “No baby, its something more special. I can give you birthday sex after that if were sober enough,” he winked.

You both laughed at each other and he pulled you into his arms. This time he was leaning against the wall and your back was pressed to his chest. His head rested on the top of your head and his arms were on your shoulders. You held his hand, and watched your friends get wasted and start talking complete nonsense. Feeling in the mood to move around and take out all the energy the alcohol had given you, you drag Tae out to dance with you. Your dancing wasn’t much of anything, a couple of the guys gave you thumbs up or would make kissing faces at you. You were too out of it to feel Tae’s phone vibrate in his pocket but he noticed.

He pulled his phone out and looked down at who had texted him. He felt his  body cringe just looking at the name written on the screen while he was having a moment with you. The text read, “Where are you?”, there were 3 dots indicating she was typing. He didn’t want to but he couldn’t help it. He excused himself and went into the bathroom to text back the girl who had just texted him.

[grannycharles]

Hi, so ive seen you post about this minceraft roleplay thingy (?) (I actually have no idea if it is soley that there was some talk about acting being good in the last video and it confused me even more) and was wondering what the hell is the plot? Like what is it about? Ive skimmed some posts and they are always very wild and now the curiosity got the better of me. Also I think it ended? At least some posts sounded like it did ^^;

So take this as your free pass to rant about it and tell someone who has no idea what the whole thing is about :3

I hope you are having a wonderful day!

oooooooooh hehehehehehe you are enabling the demons >:)

i assume you mean generation loss, because that's basically been all i've been reblogging the last few days.

it is not minecraft roleplay (but i can see where the confusion is coming from bc the creator, ranboo was first known for his mcrp on the dream smp)

generation loss is a livestreamed horror series created by twitch streamer ranboo "ranboolive" the beloved. they're really cool, funny as fuck and stream a lot of different indie horror and story games! (and minecraft, when it's time for him to lose another mincraft championship lmao. L)

anyway, the first part of genloss aired in three shows last week: on wednesday, friday and sunday. really messed up my sleep schedule due to time zones, but oh god it was worth it. of course the vods would've waited for me, but there was ✨audience participation✨ during the streams and i was not going to miss that. and also ranboo had been talking about this project and hyping it up for almost 2 years. so yeah.

and holy shit they delivered. tbf i was really perplexed when it started out all sillygoofy, but the slow descent into horror, the realization of what was truly going on, hit like a ton of bricks. that tone shift was pulled off So well omg.

the plot / premise / whatever is as follows: (fictional) media corporation showfall media is premiering a new type of liveshow with audience participation! there is a Hero, who the audience has to guide through different rooms and puzzles that pay hommage to old point-and-click escape room games and the saw movies among other things. and it is hilarious! however, something seems to be wrong with the transmission, it glitches out at times and the characters act strange. the fourth wall seems more fragile with each passing minute of the show.

ranboo and their crew made a really cool meta commentary on what it is like to be a "content creator" (god i hate that word sm). if you share your life online, where exatly is the line between "show" and "reality"? are your decisions really your own? what happens to you when the show ends?

he got quite a few of his fellow streamers and friends to star on the show, and even though i'm only tangentially familiar w most of them, the points genloss was making came across. everything that "ruined the immersion" was very much intentional. like, ranboo was 16/17ish when they started on yt and twitch, and they're 19 now. that is BONKERS to me. i'm so fucking proud of this guy, he made a really cool, impactful thing and i hope there'll be more of this series.

okay i rambled a Lot. hopefully that clears up some stuff! if you want to watch the show, the vods of all three shows are available on twitch.tv/ranboolive and also on yt on the ranboovods channel. it's about 6 hours total :D triggerwarnings include gore, unreality, probably some more i cant remember right now, just a lot of psychological horror fuckery.

and if you want me to ramble more, feel free to poke me again! because god do i have Thoughts tm about genloss. and yeah the entirety of episode 3 left me shook and rewatching the beginning with the knowledge you gain makes it so much worse :) in conclusion i am Very Normal about this thanks for enabling me

[captn3]

talking about hat scientist instead of working on the next update like i should be + fun facts abt memo i guess

god gray syndrome really does sound like some zombie survival game shit sickness doesnt it i mean. that’s on me, being bad at namin shit. i didnt know what to call it and i was just.. well gray is associated with tired, and matureness can be boring which can be portrayed as gray as well so i just. Heohe, betch note that. it may or may not be because i wanted something in the ahit universe i could relate to, having a kinda rare condition cause im just a baby hk kinnie so now hat sci has the syndrome. im gremlin it be like that sometimes. projecting stuff onto other things you like and associate with is a good way to cope imo. even if it’s some stupid shit like “gray syndrome”, dude if it makes you happy go for it honestly yeah gray syndrome is like. as explained in that one post. a minor thing that happens every now and then for a lot of the kids of that alien species. but like. h sci has it permanent so she always talks like Fuckky Doo I’m Profeesssional [insert tm emoji here] unless she’s been more emotional lately OR anons say it’s 90s mode time.. god 90s hat sci was so fun to make. “it’s fun o’clock” was one of the cleverest ideas ive ever had honestly.. the shirt design was neat too. that m/a really helped me train on designing outfits and experiment with different personalities back to why i made gray syndrome though. irl, i, the op and creator of the hat scientist au, have this health condition i was born with. basically my fuckin. aaaa definitely not googling the correct spelling pituitary gland, a brain part that helps our body grow just fucking yeeted outta existence meaning the sole body part that helps my body grow wasnt there when i was born and still isnt cause implant shit like that isn’t possible in the brain yet (iirc) so i have to take medicine. every day. to make my body grow. pills in the morning, afternoon, and then a shot every night. like. needle shot. i dont drink alcohol and suddenly start growinGNASFMIOMIOFAS luckily i dont have to go to the hospital every single night. i can just do it myself every night cause we got one at home. the personal shit ive been going through is slightly related to this but im not gonna tell the whole story. all ill tell you is those details and the name, which i should’ve said first: panhypopituitarism, or panhypopit for short. wow yknow the condition’s rare and not widely known when not even tumblr recognizes it as a real word and underlines it red

but uh. god that went to hat scientist to ah fuck where’d my pituitary gland go extra shit: you can get this condition by a real bad accident in which the gland stops working (i think thats how it works) which is still rare, but being born with it is somethin like 1/1000 people or 1/10000 people. forget which one cause google doesnt have the answer but it was one of the two. my squidsona also has a fanmade rare sickness/health condition which causes her lifespan to be shorter than an average inkling/octoling’s. if i ever make a pokesona, they’re definitely going to be a shiny or have pokerus whenever i see someone else online say they have the same thing or a similiar thing to it i freak out cause like!!! same hat! and. if any of my followers (hewwo i love yall (not romantically)) knew about this condition before it OR EVEN HAVE SOMETHING LIKE IT i will. uh. do somethin. idKSIASIONMFSIONMAS i like to talk. preview on the update? hat scientist walked the whole way to find mustache girl while it’s raining without putting up her umbrella, until she got to mustache girl and she needed it. i only have two line arts done and most likely 2-3 more to go before i have to color everything, put a dark blue tint on all the colors to fit the rainy palette, and maybe if im up to it and it doesnt take long shade/highlight everything. luckily this week’s a school vacation so i can work on this a lot!