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request-remand · 27 days ago

Note

I’ve been a regular reader since you started posting, but I’m tapping out after this latest Barisi BDSM fic. It might be bad form to say that, but something needs to be said. I don’t want to overstate the real-life impact of an AO3 series, but you seem to have quite a few readers interested in IRL BDSM who look up to you and take your stories as face value examples of healthy D/S, not to mention your own physical and mental safety when these fics seem to be coping mechanisms for you.

I’m generally against the assertion that readers need the author to hold their hands and tell them what’s morally right and wrong, but this series seems to be written earnestly with zero hint of taboo.

That said, this iteration of Barisi is not a healthy D/S relationship; it’s an abusive relationship dressed up in BDSM language.

Between Barba’s manipulation, the blurring of boundaries between what’s real life and what’s sex, and neither of them being able to take inventory on SSC benchmarks, it’s been abusive for a while now.

Regardless of my personal feelings on the appropriateness of Sonny’s “punishments,” it’s not useful to make an argument about the specific BDSM practices, because it’s easily dismissed with kink-shaming talking points or “it’s fine if it’s consensual."

The overarching problem is that ‘Safe, Sane, and Consensual’ has been out the window for a while with these two.

Just using this story as an example, Barba locks Carisi into TPE the same evening he found him curled up in a ball on his bathroom floor having a PTSD-induced panic attack with the tub overflowing and the fridge open.

Barba’s whole deal is that he can supposedly read Carisi like a book, but Carisi seems a far cry from ‘sane’ i.e. in a headspace allowing him to give rational, informed consent not driven by fear and guilt.

It doesn't matter how many times Barba reminds him that he can use his safe word/gestures, not when Barba is constantly undermining that message by coupling Carisi’s obedience with assuaging his greatest IRL insecurities.

Again, to give just one example from this fic, when Carisi is having a panic attack, he tells Barba, “I didn’t want to ruin everything, but I always ruin everything for everyone and I don’t know why and-”

Then the next morning, Barba says, “You don’t make any decisions, so nothing is your fault, baby.”

Barba has a pattern of his behavior throughout the series, these statements following the formula, “You don’t need to have insecurity XYZ, not when you’re being submissive to me.” The implicit threats are always so blatantly that Carisi runs the risk of the contrapositive if he withholds submission.

Sure, Carisi “can” use his safe word, but he pushes himself past the point of comfort into anxiety and terror somwhat frequently. It feels so fundamentally wrong for Barba, a self-proclaimed good dom, to expect his vulnerable, severely mentally ill boyfriend to use a safe word when there's an outright incentive to avoid it, let alone the fact that he was crying on the floor earlier from being in the same room as his childhood abuser and all that entails.

Carisi is so scared of Barba all the time, that if he steps out of line even a little bit, Barba will scold him or be angry with him or slap him. He constantly tiptoes around Barba, just waiting to be treated like an unruly child or an animal. I’m watching a DV victim try to appease their abuser by convincing themselves that if they just follow the rules better, be better, then everything will be okay. It's a bastardization of SSC BDSM.

The “lesson” that Carisi learns at the end of this fic is that he isn’t an equal in this relationship, that he’s a child who needs to put blind faith in his parent directing his actions. Carisi can’t go to the trial because his caretaker told him that he can’t, “Resigned, knowing Rafael was right - and, more than that, knowing Rafael was in charge, no matter what he thought - Sonny sighed and conceded.”

Even in Carisi’s internal dialogue, he unquestionably accepted that he has to do what Barba says, no consideration that he has any other choice.

This wouldn’t be a problem if there were clear starts and stops, clear boundaries, some kind of delineation of sex and/or home life versus real/outside life. If he said his safe word and told Barba that he was going to go to the trial, would Barba be able to snap out of it and respect his wishes? Is there even a possibility that things could go that far when Carisi doesn’t even seem to remember that tapping out is an option?

It’s crazy dangerous that Carisi has just turned over his whole life to Barba, well past the sex and well past the cutesy little things like ordering him lunch and picking out his underwear. This goes on to extend into finances, into asking permission for every little thing, including in front of the people who love Carisi. Which is in and of itself concerning when he’s acting like a terrified DV victim right in front of their faces, constantly checking in with Barba before he makes any move, shifting into a different demeanor when Barba is around.

If I’m completely off base, please just tell me that this is a Fifty Shades style taboo abuser fantasy. Otherwise, even if you don’t publish this ask, I implore you to consider how manipulative Barba’s behavior is towards a vulnerable man who needs genuine professional assistance, not to be made to sleep on the floor.

This whole idea can really be summed up by the last paragraph of “The Tickle-Down Effect,” a bit that quite literally sounds like it’s straight out of a psycho-thriller.

“Sonny let his mouth fall open and accepted Rafael’s cock, knowing more deeply than he ever had before that he truly had no control when it came to this relationship. Rafael got to decide – what he wore, when he ate, and now this. And Sonny surrendered to him. He surrendered everything.”

TL;DR - You are conflating Total Power Exchange, a strictly negotiated and consensual kink many safely engage in, with abuse. It is not.

I'm going to start with an academic understanding of exactly what you're describing as your primary concern: Typical SSC BDSM dynamics vs. TPE 24/7 dynamics. I especially recommend the section "TPE and ethical practice–A queer reading of pure power relations." This analysis explores all of the questions and observations you're making, so you may enjoy it as a jumping off point.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/13634607231170320

Academic Paper Tl;DR: Understanding TPE highlights how trust and intimacy redefine consent, challenging mainstream norms. TPE expands consent by validating desires rooted in trust rather than autonomy, making space for experiences excluded by conventional standards, even within BDSM.

Select quotes

TPE is not based on a separation between reality and fiction; rather, it permeates every part of human life... It is an ethical philosophy established through a way of life that constitutes the relationship between the individual and himself and his external environment exclusively in the framework of power exchange.

Since I think this is a valuable discussion, I'm going to respond to this even though I don't think it's good faith criticism and lacks the more advanced kink education I bring to the table vs. kink 101. I'll start by saying I am a very experienced submissive who has gone through sex therapy and BDSM specific therapy. I have studied BDSM and kink on an academic and psychological level as well as the personal side. Like, I have taken grad-level courses on BDSM psychology. My personal history is very similar to Sonny's and I have had a lot (a lot!) of therapy in regards to that. I would genuinely consider myself to be an expert on D/s.

For example to this anon, even the phrase SSC aka "safe safe consensual" has been phased out in the kink community in favor of RACK aka "risk-aware consensual kink" (because of 1] the implication that those with diagnosed mental illnesses cannot safely consent to non-vanilla sexual encounters, which is ableist, 2] that only "safe" sex is okay which inherently rules out things like suspension, piercing, etc. which can lead to permanent damage even if done correctly).

So, onto my fics!

I can see why someone who has a basic/limited/typical understanding of kink or an online understanding of kink may feel this way. For most people, kink IS an "in the bedroom" thing, but, for many, it's considered a "lifestyle" or even "24/7" thing (all of these being community terms). I have been in relationships that span all of these varieties, some positive and some negative across them.

Here's what it boils down to: In my series, Barba and Carisi have what's called a Total Power Exchange dynamic. This is NOT a "typical" D/s relationship where a couple has a "normal" relationship and then does clearly delineated "scenes" wherein each person has sexual roles. TPE is a type of BDSM relationship wherein all parties involved agree that the dominant has complete and total power over the submissive in and out of the bedroom.

It is not abusive because there is clear, established consent that is ongoing and informed. In the same way it's not assault if a dom chokes a sub as long as the sub has agreed to it in explicit terms in advance. Whether or not you think it's acceptable to consent to behaviors that are dangerous is irrelevant. Obviously the legality gets messy and SVU explores that plenty, but the reality is that it's been proven over and over the TPE and DV are very different psychologically.

This recent fic specifically would be called a "high protocol" TPE dynamic aka closer to a slave/master dynamic. There are a few times throughout this series where the word "master" is used, and I would in general consider their dynamic more on that end of the spectrum.

There is explicit negotiation of this dynamic in several of my fics, and, most of the time, Sonny is the one requesting a more intense dynamic. The timeline is a little blurry with "Moonlight & Sunshine" and "The Paradise of Shared Solitude" with this latest fic because I didn't write the former with the latter in mind. I write these as one-shots, so the timeline blurring is likely part of your misunderstanding of the series.

There are countless examples in my fics of Barba and Sonny clearly sharing expectations with each other, Barba stopping because he thinks Sonny may be pushed too hard, where Sonny uses his slow down vs. stop safe words, where I allude to deeper conversations about TPE, etc.

I am also incredibly intentional about Barba not being in dom mode during Sonny's panic attacks. He always does actual emotional care before going into anything else, even in this fic. I never have him make any mention at all of kink while Sonny is within panic and I do that on purpose. I'm sorry that a few hours doesn't meet whatever you feel is the appropriate amount of time for someone to get over a panic attack, I guess. It's pretty condescending and infantilizing to imply that someone with anxiety can't consent, especially within a dynamic they have already explicitly consented to. This series has 150,000 words. That's about three novels worth of content. I don't think you'd be making this commentary if you'd actually read all of them, which feature plenty of consent and negotiation discussions.

To be clear, there is also nothing wrong with a sub choosing not to use a safe word. Especially in a TPE relationship, there are times when you know you're overwhelmed/anxious but want to continue anyway to reach a deeper point of release. This is often called an autonomy framework vs. an external framework. In short: It is up to an individual to decide when they truly feel *unsafe* vs. when they feel *uncomfortable.*

This is especially true with victims of sexual trauma, and doubly so with victims of chronic/long-term sexual abuse. The TPE relationships I've engaged in have been some of the most healing and meaningful of my life. Trusting another person completely and totally, being able to give up control, and allowing yourself to feel anxious and vulnerable while also consenting, are massively powerful for CPTSD.

I would be happy to write a new fic that explores them having a full discussion of TPE (right before "Petty & Whorish" is when I imagine they had this conversation; I allude to that several times when things get into collaring etc.) but haven't because, well, I haven't really felt a need to because I've alluded to it plenty and these are one-shots. I write these fics as one-shots that paint a broad picture of a relationship evolving over years after a friendship that developed for years. If readers feel that's lacking and need it to develop the context of the background of this story, I'd be happy to explore it.

Also, as always, let's keep in mind this is fanfiction. Many of your favorite fic writers are writing fics where these guys are chained up or tortured, where they sexually assault each other, and more. And, frankly, that's all fine with me. If you are looking to fanfiction for guidance on how to behave in your sexual life, you shouldn't! Always do your research in how to be risk-aware in your real life.

And, as one final note: Please do not condescend to me about my mental state and wellbeing. 1) It's fine for people to write dark fics as a way to cope with their issues, but 2) that's not what I'm doing in the slightest. It may be hard to believe based on what I post on the internet, but I'm actually incredibly stable. I have bipolar, GAD, and CPTSD - and haven't had an episode in three years, rate my daily anxiety at a 2, my daily depression as a 1, and have had over a decade of therapy. In terms of healing from sexual abuse, frankly, I'm crushing it, and I don't appreciate people attempting to weaponize my frankness about my personal life when in fact they lack the level of understanding to speak on issues.

Here are some readings about Total Power Exchange that I like:

#jay the barisi fiend #total power exchange

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mania-sama · 1 year ago

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ask for help, call it weakness

Trauma - NF

➼ information ❧ Genshin Impact ❧ Pairing: Aether &/ Xiao | Alatus ❧ Additional Character: Paimon ❧ Tags: ambiguous relationship, trauma, aether has ptsd, right after 2.7 update, panic attack, self-harm (due to panic attack), angst, hurt/comfort, soft! xiao ❧ Summary: Xiao did not understand the mortal fear of lightning. It was mundane, something so simple. His perspective of the world had changed entirely upon meeting Aether, so it wasn't unexpected that this opinion he had would change, too. ❧ Word Count: 3,090 ❧ Cross-posted from Archive of Our Own ❧ Original post date: 8 June 2022

Author Note:

Based off of this tikok

Pain throbbed throughout Xiao’s entire body, the main focal points of the aches being located at his right cheek, arm, and side. Despite Verr Goldet’s needless fretting, his wounds were not able to be healed by any normal means. They were induced in a chaotic space by an equally chaotic force; only time would close his cuts and fade his bruises.

Still, Xiao found himself at the mercy of Verr. She had forced him to stay in a room of the Wangshu Inn to let his body rest on a proper bed, even though he truly had no need for it. His conversation with Aether had echoed in his mind while she was begging him to go inside, just short of dragging him in herself. Aether and the entire group he was with, though odd, had taught him an invaluable lesson. It would be fitting if the first thing he did to show what he learned was to let Verr Goldet take care of him.

That was how he found himself lying on a… comfortable bed in the Wangshu Inn, no doubt one of their finest. Usually, he stayed on the rooftop. He was able to see all of Dihua Marsh from there, so even in his resting periods, he could still protect the place he called home. Xiao’s eyes stared out the window to his left, watching the rain fall from the sky in white, heavy sheets. Yakshas had no concern for the weather; demons did not stop for the rain, therefore they wouldn’t, either.

Unfortunately, he was in no condition to be hunting demons. Nor survey the surrounding area of the inn. Which meant that the only things left for him to do were either sleep, think about the ever-present pain and screams of the souls he’d slaughtered, or focus on the stormy weather. Out of all of those, the weather seemed to be the best option, however boring it may be. Sleep wasn’t a state that came to him easily, and besides, he’d already done that earlier. It had served as a quick reminder as to why he hadn’t slept in ages.

Lighting zapped quickly, a flash of white illuminating the entire room before it faded into the normal darkness. Xiao didn’t flinch at the sudden noise nor blinding whiteness. He adjusted his head on the pillow, letting himself indulge in the fluffy feathers it was stuffed with. For a moment, his heart rate eased, and the screams he dutifully ignored faded away to the point where there was really nothing at all. It was unpleasantly pleasant, in a way. Xiao wasn’t familiar with the feeling of peace.

A shrill voice cut through the methodical drumming of the rain and the quietness of Xiao’s mind. He sat up immediately, the sound of his name hard on his ears as it was called desperately by an annoying yet familiar pixie. It was completely different from the first time she said his name. Then, there had been no urgency, no anguish that he had become so close with. There was obviously something very wrong, and while he had at one time swore that he would never answer that pixie’s calls, he found himself manifesting his spear in his hand and calling the wind to drift away on.

He followed the sound of his name only a few feet from his room. It led out to the topmost balcony of the Wangshu Inn, where regular trespassers were not allowed to go. Verr had said she enforced the rule for the sake of Xiao’s privacy. It made him wonder why she allowed the rule to bend for Aether, but that was of no matter anymore. Whatever possessed her to grant the traveler access had led to a changed world for the adeptus, and for that he was thankful.

Appearing in front of a drenched, extremely upset Paimon, Xiao wasted no time with useless greetings. “You called?”

She nodded her head frantically, blue eyes wide. “It’s Aether! Something’s wrong and Paimon doesn’t know what to do!”

Xiao felt his heart, however impure and blackened it was, stop. He thought something had happened to Paimon, and though she got under Xiao’s every last nerve, he was willing to protect her from harm. She was a friend to Aether, after all. Knowing that it wasn’t Paimon that was in danger but rather Aether himself, well, there was little Xiao wouldn’t do in order to right any wrongs. In his own special way, of course, which namely included slaughtering everything in his way and the wrongdoer themself.

“Take me to him,” he demanded. The rain seeped into his clothes and ran into his cuts. Lighting struck nearby. Paimon jumped a little at it while Xiao remained completely still, hand tight around his glowing spear. The pixie nodded, disappearing in a flurry of small stars. She called his name again, this time further away. Wind encircled him and drifted to the location instantly, allowing him to pop up again.

Xiao found Aether easily. The man was sitting on the floor of what appeared to be a hotel of sorts, his left shoulder and head pushing against the wall while his legs were crooked at an uncomfortable-looking angle. His hands were gripping his scalp and pulling his hair. Strands of it had obviously been ripped out already, judging from the blond massacre lying in uneven patterns on the floor.

The scent of blood hit the yaksha’s nose immediately, though he couldn’t see any from his first observation of Aether and the room. Sounds of hyperventilating and incoherent mumbling followed by loud, shaking sobs came next. Paimon hovered next to Aether and trembled.

“Please help him! Paimon’s really scared. He was clawing his face and pulling his hair and Paimon doesn’t think he can hear her,” Paimon explained. A cry etched into her voice. Xiao wondered how long this had gone on before she thought of getting any help. He again wondered if she had gone to anyone else before resorting to him.

Xiao dismissed his spear, the weapon vanquishing into a million shimmering gold particles. Lightning struck again, causing Aether to jolt from his place on the ground. He curled in on himself, pulling out another strand of hair. The yaksha surveyed the area one more time before kneeling by the traveler. There wasn’t anybody around besides Paimon and the adeptus, which meant that the true demon he needed to vanquish was going to put up a hell of a fight.

It’d been a long time since he’d seen anything like this. Not since the last yaksha died. Trauma, Verr Goldet had called it once when she had helped Xiao through an episode somewhat similar to Aether’s. The demon that lurked inside the mind from horrendous events that couldn’t be forgotten. It came out and attacked the host whenever they remembered the event, causing the host to lose contact with the real world and be sucked into whatever reality the demon had created.

The word it was called or the form it took didn’t matter. It wasn’t a physical demon, but neither was it a dream. Xiao couldn’t defeat it in any of the ways he preferred, with his spear or with his mouth and teeth. Therefore, he hesitated to do anything. Yaksha episodes were always made worse when other yakshas were around– the karmic debt fed into each other like hungry animals. Yet, Aether and Paimon were different. Perhaps it was the otherworldly blood flowing through their veins or some other reason Xiao couldn’t comprehend, but they were resilient to his debt.

So, he placed a hand on Aether’s exposed shoulder blade, letting the touch be light. He tried to remember what Verr did to help Xiao through his own episode.

“I have to ground you. You don’t know where you are when you’re experiencing an attack.”

“Aether,” he called, keeping his voice low. “I’m here.”

“I might have to get you to tell me what you’re seeing before I can do anything else.”

The traveler didn’t show any signs of being able to hear him, so he continued. “What are you seeing? What does it look like?”

This was able to get a reaction. The mumbling stopped, but the hyperventilating and crying didn’t. Xiao guessed the blood was coming from Aether’s face, the very part that Xiao couldn’t see. That was something the some of the yakshas had done when facing their invisible demons as well. There were various reasons as to why they did it, some to mimic the actual violence they were reliving, and others in an attempt to ground themselves back to reality. Without anything to go off of, the adeptus couldn’t list any motives for his friend.

“Purple. It hurts,” Ather choked out, a sharp cry eliciting deep from his throat. “Help me. I can’t– It won’t–” and the rest of the words faded out into mumbling again, all jumbled and incoherent. If neither Paimon, who was circling the air with worried cries, and Aether couldn’t make rational, calm decisions, then Xiao had to. Unfortunately, he was not the most well-known for being that kind of adeptus.

He started by prying Aether’s fingers from his hair. Being closer, Xiao could see the crusted blood coat the roots of the traveler’s hair and scalp. Aether cried under the increased physical contact, but Xiao pushed that aside. If he couldn’t get the man to stop hurting himself, then him being there would be pointless. He wouldn’t let Paimon and Aether down.

“You are in Liyue Harbor,” Xiao stated while working out the clenched fingers as gently as he could. There was only one place that had identifiable purple lightning, and Aether had related his experience with the Raiden Shogun during their first conversation after he had returned from the other nation. “This is not Inazuma. I am Xiao, and you know that. Nobody is here to hurt you.”

Xiao knew he wasn’t the best with words, but he tried. Aether had helped him in more ways than he could ever imagine; it was only right that the yaksha returned the favor. It hadn’t been so long ago that he would have viewed such a relationship to be useless. Even now, the term favor was foreign to him.

Lightning struck again, causing Aether to fight against the grip Xiao now had on his hands. The traveler no doubt wanted to bring them back up to his hair or face, but that wouldn’t happen under the adeptus’ watch. Xiao identified the main source of the attack now: lightning. Something so normal to the yaksha that the mortal fear of it was incomprehensible to him.

Aether had described being shocked by the divine lightning of the Electro Archon. It was painful, mainly. Paimon had added that she thought he died when he came back from the Plane of Euthymia. That, the constant electro energy of Inazuma as he fought in the civil war, and the lightning of the Shogunate was well enough to be what Verr called trauma. Xiao had never imagined a phenomenon so frequent and simple could serve to be the catalyst for the lurking demon inside Aether’s mind to attack.

It wasn’t something he could control, either. He couldn’t make the thunderstorm stop at will. That would make fighting the demon much too easy, and Celestia knew that nothing could be easy for the adeptus.

Xiao situated himself in front of Aether, keeping the other’s forearms safely in his hands. The movement got Aether to look up from where his head had been pressed harshly against the wall. His golden eyes were glazed from a mix of tears and fog, a sign of disconnection from reality as he sobbed. There were a few scars on his face that had since stopped bleeding and turned into scabs, the shape and size indicating they were made from his blood-crusted fingernails.

“It hurts. I can’t– I can’t breathe. It burns,” Aether said. Xiao had no doubt it did. Phantom pains were not an uncommon occurrence.

“Breathe. You are safe,” Xiao returned. Aether did not, in fact, breathe. “You see me, right? I have no reason to leave Liyue. You are in a hotel room in Liyue Harbor, do you see that?”

To that, Aether simply stared and cried. Xiao decided on a more subtle approach, exaggerating his own breathing pattern in the hopes that Aether would take notice and instinctually copy it. There really wasn’t anything else to do other than that. If he were a mortal, it would be possible he would know just what to do in this sort of scenario. Xiao didn’t like to dwell on what-ifs.

“I am Xiao, your… friend. Paimon is with us. We are in Liyue Harbor. There is a storm outside, and it cannot hurt you. I will not let anything hurt you,” he continued on. It was the only other thing he could do. From there onwards, it would be a waiting game unless the situation took a turn he couldn’t foresee. For the sake of them both, he prayed to his archon that that wouldn't happen.

Progress was made, eventually. Paimon flitted around as the night wore on, only ever talking to make a comment to Aether that he never really reacted to. It was for the better, anyway. No reaction was better than a negative one, and Xiao’s patience was already as thin as a leaf. If Paimon had been chittering the entire time, he wasn’t sure if he would’ve been able to handle it. He knew she was just worried, as was he, but his patience and sanity didn’t know that.

The lightning would set them back a step every time it struck. The thunder didn’t seem to bother Aether all that much; the sound must’ve been different when he was in Inazuma. Eventually, Aether was able to calm himself down, though even that was somewhat unstable. A tear would slip every now and then, using his now released arms to wipe them away. Xiao watched the traveler carefully every time he moved, making sure he didn’t go back to the grounding or fighting tactics he had before.

A silence had settled between them. Paimon was obviously uncomfortable in the midst of it, but there wasn’t anything they could do about it. Xiao was bad with his words on a good day, and Aether had just suffered an extremely long traumatic episode. The quiet didn’t break, especially since the rain had stopped a little while before Aether managed to bring himself to an acceptable state.

Xiao could hear his own name from across the world, loud and clear as if whoever had said it was in the same room. When Aether said it after the attack, it had sounded quiet. “Xiao, I– I’m sorry.”

It was obvious he wanted to say more, but the words died on his tongue as he closed his mouth. The adeptus tilted his head slightly. “Why are you apologizing?” Xiao demanded.

“Paimon brought you all the way here, and I wasn’t even in any danger,” he said. His fingertips brushed over each other, the way it always did when he was upset or nervous. “You’re injured and had just saved us earlier today. You should be resting, not helping me again.”

“Really?” Xiao crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at the traveler. Aether looked at him confusedly. And here Xiao had thought Aether was a smart mortal. “I told you that you can call my name when you need me. Paimon was right to bring me here. You were in danger, not from a physical demon, but from yourself. If fighting the demon that lives inside your head is what you need–” he leaned forward, making sure his point was being taken seriously, “-- then do not hesitate to call me.”

Aether’s eyes shimmered again. “But it wasn’t–”

“You have scars on your face and blood on your hands. I don’t care where you are or what you’re doing. If you need help, you can ask me. We are… friends. Isn’t that what friends do?”

“Paimon was really scared. You were hurting yourself and seeing things that weren’t here. If that isn’t danger, then Paimon doesn’t know what is,” the pixie said, hovering close to both Xiao and Aether. Her whole body was bouncing up and down more than usual, indicating the level of her anxiety. “Paimon and Aether had just talked to Xiao, so when Paimon didn’t know what to do, she went to him. Paimon’s really glad she did. You’re okay now!”

Okay was a loose term, but was viable for the time being. Aether looked extremely guilty, and if Xiao had a better sense of humor, he would’ve found it somewhat funny. Instead, he just sighed.

“I used to think that the fear of lightning was incomprehensible,” he began. Aether stared at him with a mixture of emotions. Part of the reason Aether had apologized was due to feeling like his experiences were lesser-than, no doubt. Xiao had stated his opinion on storms before– if Aether thought his stance still remained, then it could prevent his friend from reaching out again. “I wasn’t aware of the experiences one could have with it. I understand now. You fear it for the same reason I despise my memories.”

For some reason, this elicited a smile from Aether. Really, Xiao had not gotten as good at understanding human emotions as he thought he had. Not that he put in a lot of effort in the first place, outside of attempts for the traveler. “Thank you, then. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t come.” His eyes went up to the pixie floating in-between them. Her arms were crossed over her chest, but her face was turned away from Xiao to look at the blond. “And thank you, Paimon, for retrieving him,” he said in a much lighter tone.

“In the cold rain, too!” Aether laughed at that, much to Paimon’s chagrin. The sound caused Xiao’s heart to flutter, another feeling that only Aether had been able to teach him. It was slightly uncomfortable yet welcome; a warmth he wanted to get used to. Despite the pain thrumming through his body, he was content. In the traveler’s presence, he found the effects of his karmic debt lessened, as if Aether himself was a shining light that repelled darkness.

Watching him bicker with the little pixie, Xiao let a small smile dust his face. A shining light indeed.

#xiao #genshin xiao #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #genshin impact fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 fanfic #ao3 #ao3 fanfiction #ao3 writer #genshin fanfic #genshin fanfiction #genshin aether #aether #xiaother #genshin xiaother #xiao x aether #aether x xiao

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cherryluvrx3 · 1 year ago

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meat lovers amirite??

Dave Strider x Reader x Karkat Vantas

Chapter 5

[masterlist]

I went home with an extra pep in my step, resisting the urge to hop, skip and frolic around like a cutsie whimsical princess or something.

I shut the door to my room and kicked off my shoes, plopping into bed, stomach first with my legs kicking behind me.

I decided against texting Dave- and Karkat and John for that matter, because I didn’t wanna come off as weirdly clingy and desperate for “friendship”. Besides, they’re still working anyway. So instead, I go to text the group chat so I can report the good news.

It takes a few seconds before anyone answers but like always, Roxy is the first to respond.

-!!!!

Roxy <3

- hey babe! What’s up?

-You would not believe what just happened omhggg

Gamz :o)

-wazzzzzupppppp

-Sooo

-I went to see Dave right

Nepetita :3

-Oooh really?? :0

-Yesss

-N I got his number xP!!

Roxy <3

-omg rllyy!!

-wooo!!

Gamz :o)

- u text him yet

-No ima wait a bit

-He’s still working

-also

-I got his coworkers numbers too xP

-They’re named John and Karkat

Roxy <3

-omg????

-girl you just

-3 dudes numbers!!??

Tezi >:]

-Since when did you have the sweet talking abilities for that?? >:0

-I know I knowww

-Ima smoooooth opertatorrrr

-The men flock to me and bow at my feet as I walk by

Gamz :o)

-Waitttttt

-wait wait

-waittttt

-what

Tezi >:]

-Wat >:?

Gamz :o)

-A guy named Karkat

-I might know that motherfucker

Nepetita :3

-a furriend of yours??

Gamz :o)

-Just a guy I met on a field trip like 2 years ago or smn

-we both got lost at the motherfuckin zoo freshman year

-like ours n his school was there at the same time n shit

-kinda just walked around tryna find like the groups we came with or whatever but I kinda gave up

-n he didn’t wanna walk around alone so he just stayed with me

-we was just chillin with the stingrays

-he was still tweakin tf out tho so I gave him a edible

-Omg???

Gamz :o)

-motherfucker didn’t know it was an edible tho or else I don’t think he would’ve ate it

-we were tripping hard by the time we made it back to the buses lol

Roxy <3

-gamzzz 😭😭

-i don’t think u shld giv edibles to strangersss

Nepetita :3

-Yeah that's a little

-ermmm

-rude?

Gamz :o)

-was jus tryna help the guy

-Well anyways

-I’m not like

-Actually interested in them or anything

-Just wanna be friends with them

Tezi >:]

-I thought you wanted to date pizza boy??

-Oh Dave yeah

-I meant just him tho lol

Gamz :o)

-yeah for a sec I thought u were rlly tryna juggle 3 hoes at once

Roxy <3

-yeah righttt

-they can barely juggle dave alobe!!

-alone

-I could totally have multiple hoes if I wanted???

Roxy <3

-yep

Gamz :o)

-mhm

Tezi >:]

-ok

Nepetita :3

-...well.. *sweats nervously*

-FUCK YOU GUYSS

-WHAT EVA!!!!!

-I see you guys are just some hating ass bitches

Roxy <3

-not hating just being #real babe

Nepetita :3

-Anyways!! It’s great that you got Dave’s number!! Are you planning on texting him first or letting him come to you?

-Do you want to be the purredator or purray? :3

-hmmm

-well I was thinking

-wait

-omg?

Tezi >:]

-Wat >:?

-He literallyyyyy just texted me

-brb teehee

Roxy <3

-omgg? the stars r aligningg for u to hav ur momenttt

Gamz :o)

-get his ass

While John gave me his pesterchum user, Dave and Karkat gave me their regular numbers because they “weren’t fucking nerds” and so I put them into my phone’s contacts.

Pizza Dave

-hey dawg

-hiiiii ? aren’t you still working? Lol

Pizza Dave

-yeah I’m still on the clock for like 2 hours but not much is going on

-there was one more call for delivery and I made Kat deal with it because I’m still recovering from that last traumatic experience

-told him I might have some serious PTSD induced panic attacks if I had to hold another pizza in my hands

-Oh haha

-So are you likee

-Just chatting to pass the time?

Pizza Dave

-bingo. pretty much.

-I’d chat with John but right now he’s busy talking to like

-some other friend??

-like what the helllll

-I was the OG bestie yknow

-but now he’s over there getting all cozy with some dude he met on some online forum that’s just a cesspool for shitty movie lovers

-guess he wanted a guy who’d listen to him rave about nick cage without bitchin but I mean I was just keeping it real

-we’re literally on the clock. being on the phone while working is NOT allowed. you’d think he’d know better

… hmm..

-Kinda sounds like you’re a jealous boyfriend lol

Why did I say that? Don’t know, thought it was funny and hit send before I could rethink.

He’d been typing consistently but I could see in real time his speech bubble stop.

I headed back to the group chat to update them, cutting off whatever they were talking about.

-So he’s texting me rn bc he’s bored at work

Nepetita :3

-well that at least shows he’s thinking of you?

-welllllll he just said he’s only talking to me bc his other friends are busy lol

-but I mean this is my chance to slide myself into his personal circle!!

I went back to me and Dave’s convo and- holy shit. While I was gone he was typing up a storm

Pizza Dave

-what

-no

-no way dude

-me and john are just buds

-that's my home dawg yknow

-like if I was jealous it would just be because of the friendship we have being threatened

-yknow what I mean

-like

-not at all like a jealous boyfriend those are like two totally different things

-besides I’m not gay

-and John isn’t either

-I think

-and if he was I still wouldn’t be gay

-cuz I think girls are really hot and have had a few crushes

-on girls

-so there’s like no way

-not that I have any problem with gay people

-and if John was gay that’d be cool and all

-I really don’t care

-cuz at the end of the day I’m not gay so that’s not an issue

-uh

-OKAY I GET IT

-I was just joking bro

-You don’t gotta get all freaked out lol

Pizza Dave

-I’m not freaked out

-who’s freaking out?

-not me

-I’m chill

-chill as hell dude

-look up chill in the dictionary and you’ll see my face

-Okay

-anyways

-what school do you go to?

Yeesh. I guess that boyfriend comment opened up a can of worms. I screenshotted the convo to share with the group chat.

-Soooo… guys..??

Gamz :o)

-wow

Roxy <3

-Yikes he’s definitely closeted

Tezi >:]

-Totally. That’s actually kinda embarrassing

Nepetita :3

-Aww I feel kinda bad… but I mean he said he’s alright with gay people so

-it probably won’t be that long until he opens up and accepts that part of himself?

-Yeah I think so too

-I don’t think he has a crush on John specifically but he’s def fruity

-even if this whole relationship thing doesn’t work out ima stick to with him to support him cuz boyyy does he need it!!

I go back to chatting with Dave and he seems to have calmed down. We both learn a bit more about each other after 15 minutes he says he has to get back to work. We said our goodbyes and I headed to take a shower so I could process all the information I learned today.

Maybe I’ll talk to him tomorrow during lunch? Even though we have different schools, apparently our bell schedules matched up and we even had lunch at the same period.

I yawn and tuck myself into bed for a few hours of scrolling on my phone.

———

a/n btw John was talking to Jake, no I'm not shipping them

Also Dave is closeted and in denial.

I see both him and Karkat as bisexual but since this fic is supposed to be gender-neutral I don't think I'll go into too much detail on how that could affect his relationship with reader bc it's different depending on who you are. I might end up making reader bisexual too but idk bc I don't want readers who aren't bi to be 'forced' into it. I mean all I know for sure about you guys reading this is that you're attracted to men (or just reading this bc you're bored lol)

Also Karkat is also a bit closeted but he's very much aware of who he is, he's mainly closeted because he knows Dave is iffy around his own sexuality and is worried Dave will see him different if he comes out to him.

#homestuck #homestuck x reader #dave strider x reader #karkat vantas x reader

19 notes · View notes

mudaship39 · 7 months ago

Text

Character Bio of the Latine Native supporting character Valeria Nadia Torres Garcia or Tsistunagiska:

Techno or Rogue

Hispanic Name: Valeria Nadia Torres Garcia

Indigenous name: Tsistunagiska (which means wild rose).

Ethnicity: Latinx Mexican and Tsalagi Indigenous woman of color. One of the main supporting characters.

Racial Identity:

Cultural Identity:

Clan: Wolf Clan.

Nation: Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma.

Age:

Cyborg and Bionic

Appears to be Mid Twenties

Birthday: April 20th

Born during the 22nd century.

Zodiac: She is a Taurus water rooster.

Species: She is a bionic and cyborg.

She is a bionic and cyborg by choice as a transhuman.

Height: 5’7”

Weight: 110

Body Type: lean slender

Frame:

Bone structure:

Poise:

Appearance:

BHW measurement: 36 27 38

Dominant Hand:

Hand Size:

Hand Description:

Shoe Size: 7

Hairstyle:

Hair texture: Has 3B or 3C type hair. She has curly hair.

Hair look state:

Hair color: She has brown hair. Some of her hair is dyed lime green.

Eyes: Brown eyes.

Eye shape:

Eye sight:

Makeup:

Skin tone: Sepia skin tone.

Birthmarks:

Skin Condition:

Sex:

Gender:

Nonbinary bigender

Native third gender

Two Spirit

Sexuality: Bisexual.

Pronouns: He/she/they

Sexual Preferences:

Vers

Switch

Languages: English, Tsalagi, Chinese Mandarin and Cantonese (to speak with Zhou Chen/Zhao Zhen), Arabic (to speak with Afro Asian Maysa), Hindi (to speak with Afro European and Afro Asian Amelia), and Spanish.

Religion/Spirituality: practices Indigenous spirituality.

Disability: She is autistic. She is neurodivergent. She has ADD, ADHD, & OCD. She has hyperlexia. She has OCD. She has mental illnesses of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, & PTSD.

Bionics:

Bionic prosthetic eye

Bionic prosthetic arm

Bionic prosthetic leg

Cybernetics:

Cybernetic enhanced eye

Cybernetic enhanced arm

Cybernetic enhanced leg

Most of her body has been replaced or augmented by bionic and cybernetic implants and cyberware and bioware implants

Some of her cybernetic and bionic body came at a great cost. Most of it was by her own volition.

As a result of being a veteran of World War 3, the Robot Uprising (Sci fi Android, Synthetic, Omnic, Droids, & AI and Fantasy Automaton, Clockwork, Tin Men, Constructs, & Warforged), & the human alien contact war and a survivor of the Nuclear Apocalypse

Bionic and Cybernetic enhanced organs including heart, liver, lungs, skeleton, skin, muscles.

As a Bionic/Cyborg:

Cyberpunk Cybernetic Implants and Enchantments:

Cyberware:

Biopunk Bioware:

Bionic Implants and Enhancements:

Software and Firmware Enchantments:

Metahumans and superhumans genetically engineered to be peak mental and physical specimens of the human race. They are meta humans and superhumans turned supersoldiers through years of mental conditioning and carefully administered drug regimens.

They used genetic engineering to create super soldiers with telepathic and empathic ability.

Using a combination of surgery, drugs, and mental conditioning. Regular and ordinary humans can be given the reaction times, physical abilities, and psychic abilities of metahumans and superhumans.

A wetware implant that lets them learn new languages, record short-term memories, do research via augmented reality, and edit their own long-term memory.

Legendary tier iconic military grade cybernetic and bionic implants and enchantments and firmware and software implants and enhancements all over their body. Including their eyes, nose, ears, chest, arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet, & toes. Even their skeletal, muscular, nervous, and digestive system, etc is enhanced and augmented.

They have combat modifications that include synthetic muscle fibers that they can overclock to induce superhuman powers, lower their own ability to feel pain, and reinforce crucial joints. It can also temporarily hijack their nervous system, skeletal system, & muscular system for evasive maneuvers.

They have faster reflexes, higher regeneration, more durability, higher tolerance to toxins, immunity to diseases and control over the body to an incredible degree.

Bioware is also genetically modified cultured tissue that can be implanted in people in much the same way as cyberware, bionics, and cybernetics.

Cybernetic and bionic implants for superhuman senses of touch, taste, hearing, smell, & sight

Electromagnetic spectrum for superhuman vision including ability to sense gamma radiation, microwaves, x rays, & radio waves

Weapons implanted in a bionic arm or leg

Sensors for biometric analysis for lie detection

A built in net connection at any location that has wifi

Storage compartments in a bionic limb

Built in armor around vital organs

Ballistic, plasma, energy, laser: bullet and arrow dodging through a sensor detects incoming projectiles

Cooling or heat radiating mechanism that allows the implantee better heat or cold resistance

Sensors that can pick up RF or electrical activity

Configurable vocal tract that can emulate the voices of others well enough to fool voice print recognition systems.

Voice synthesizer to imitate another's voice and/or other sounds.

Computer riding shotgun in the visual cortex that looks for patterns and movements humans don't easily notice that functions as a counter to most forms of camouflage.

Internal oxygen supply with hours of breath in an oxygen deprived area. Refills using the implantee's breaths at the same rate as usage.

A targeting computer that can fire a weapon much more quickly and accurately.

The ability to plug in a micro-manipulator arm that can perform very delicate repairs

The ability to plug into a powerful exoskeleton of power armor or frame of a mech suit

Replacement nervous system is immune to the effects of electric shocks

Has many mod slots for upgrading and customizing nano machines, cyberware, cybernetic implants, & bionic enhancements

Brain computer interface that allow uploading and downloading data

Can plug in to hack holographic computers, holographic smartphones, holographic televisions, & other electronics through cybernetic and bionic fingers

Transfer their consciousness to another suitably equipped body

Co-processor built in computer with software that can carry out numerical computations. Other domain-specific AI (e.g. voice recognition, pattern recognition) that can carry out much better than an unmodified brain can.

Hive consciousness: brain can tap into a network of other, similarly equipped brains (where reception is available) and can share skills or knowledge in some manner.

Human metal and alien metal enhanced and augmented skeleton for supernatural strength, endurance, and durability. Almost impossible to break bones. Combined with other cybernetic and bionic enhancements.

Carbon nanotube bone augmentation for near unbreakable bones.

Metal reinforced joints for supernatural agility, flexibility, speed, & reflexes

They have cybernetically enhanced reflexes and flexibility.

Nano robot muscle cell augmentation

Muscle reinforcement and enhancement for increased strength, reflexes, stamina, durability, speed, endurance, flexibility, agility

Microchip implants that allow fast diagnosis and monitors health in real time

Ability to grow metal claws over their biological nails

They have double-edged scalpel like blades implanted under their fingernails and claws.

Has nanomachines for supernatural healing

Active Camouflage for invisibility by bending light with a field of energy. Active camo that is able to render the user invisible or nearly invisible, to the naked eye. Also works against many forms of electronic scanning. The active camouflage warps light around the user's body in such a fashion that surfaces behind the user are visible through the user's body.

Smart camo that blends in with the environment with camouflage that after coming into contact with almost any surface replicate both its pattern and texture. Multiple surfaces could be mimicked at the same time. Works against thermal scanning.

Cybernetic eyes with Cortical Implant with night vision, thermal vision, x-ray vision, ultraviolet vision, etc.

They have lenses grafted over their eyes.

Internal Weapon Bay with compartments for hidden weapons.

Neural interface to download information from a digital store.

Cyber and bionic brain with implanted external memory

Modified brain to have a better sense of smell, sight, hearing, taste, & touch.

Enhanced legs with greater speed, agility, flexibility, & stealth capabilities.

Sub-dermal plating with armor that protects against tissue damage.

Dermal carbon nanotube to make skin highly resistant to damages.

Increased density of fast-twitch muscles to increase reaction time

Increased nerve density to grant better body control and higher degree of dexterity.

Auto-releasing implanted drug suppositories with stimulants, drugs, medicine, etc.

Bionic heart with increased endurance, stamina, constitution.

Bionic liver, lungs, kidneys, etc. with immunity to most poisons, drugs, & alcohol.

Chemical sensors to give targeted ultra sensitive smell.

Chemical sensors to give targeted ultra sensitive smell and taste

Ultrasound sonar to aid vision and let the user see inside things.

Tiny magnetic crystals attached to neurons so the user can feel magnetic and electric fields like a shark.

Subdermal micro machines that can restructure the user's face making them look like anyone they want at will.

Extra rods and cones to allow for greater perception of color, modified rods and cones to see into the infrared or ultraviolet, reflective layer at the back of the eyes (like cats) for user to have better night vision.

Small mechanical heart that kicks in at full power during times of stress/exertion

Modified ears to hear better.

Shockskin. It's a layer of capacitors and conductors implanted just under the skin. It is arrayed in a lattice over prosthetics. It administers an electrical shock to people they touch with it if activated.

Shock nodes on legs, knees, knuckles, & elbows for unarmed combat

Increased clotting to help staunch wounds

Decreased pain sensitivity

Prosthetic cybernetic or bionic eyes with immunity to over-stimulation from bright lights or stun weapons like flashbangs

Prosthetic eyes capable of linking up with a "smart-link" weapon scope

Bionic and cybernetic enhanced brain capable of “full immersion diving" while on the internet, computers, or brain hacking.

Bionic and cybernetic brain capable of bio scans with upgraded firewalls to prevent brain hacks

Bionic brain with upgrades to enhance any type of hacking/brain hacking

Blood/organ nanites to help the immune system and help repair damaged cells, tissue, & organs as necessary.

Nano technology allows a faster and safer healing process and an enhanced immune system.

Auto-releasing implanted drug suppositories (combat stimulants, medicine, stimpacks, pain suppressants, etc.).

Internal bladders of drugs to be released on mental command, ranging from painkillers, to insulin, to berserker combat enhancers.

Homing devices for tracking targets

Tattoos: She has an eastern diamondback snake tattoo. She has holographic geometric tattoos that light up gold on her arms.

Piercings:

Facial Piercings:

She has a nose ring. She wears beaded earrings. She wears industrial earrings. She has a tongue piercing. She has eyebrow piercings. She has cheek piercings. She has a chin piercing.

Body Piercings:

She has body piercings.

She wears a hair wrap. She has a finger weave belt. She wears a shawl.

Jewelry:

Indigenous Regalia:

Extra: Implanted into her body is biotechnology and nanotechnology such as nanites and bionic and cyberware enhancements that lets her control technology and electricity. She has ports implanted into her body at her wrists and hands that allow her to hack technology. Implanted into her body is also cyberware and bioware implants that lets her attend cyberspace. She does this using a brain-computer interface. She has ports implanted into her body at her upper shoulders that allow a direct connection between the brain and virtual reality. She mainly works as a hacker from her hacker cave at her home built behind a false wall.

Clothes: She wears near future and far future cyberpunk, nanopunk, ray punk, eco punk, & solar punk clothing.

The outer wear are long coats, bomber jackets, field jackets, blazers. With high collars, shoulder padding, and weathered textiles. The sleeves are often bunched above the forearm. The collars are popped for an edgy look. The materials are made from cotton blends, wool, leather, faux leather, fleece, and vinyl. The colors are black, red, brown, white, beige, and muted neutrals. The tops are mandarin collar shirts, button shirts, short sleeve button-ups, boxy plain tees, sleeveless tees, and tanks. The shirts are often styled with ties or layered under jackets. The tees and tanks are tucked in. The materials are made out of cotton and synthetic fabrics. The colors are white, pastels, dark muted neutrals, and black. The bottoms are cargo pants, tactical pants, & jeans with asymmetrical hems. The pants have multiple pockets and tactical details. The materials are made out of durable fabrics like cotton twill and synthetic blends. The colors are black, grey, and other dark tones. The footwear are combat boots, ankle boots, and techwear high top sneakers. The footwear are practical yet stylish. They are often featuring rugged designs and high-tech materials. The colors are predominantly black and dark shades.

Relationships:

Father:

Mother:

Aunts:

Uncles:

Cousins:

Siblings:

Nephews/Nieces

Children:

Marital Status: Married

Relationship Model: polyamorous

Relationships: Zhou Chen/Zhao Zhen, Maysa Nabila Uzun, Amelia Himmat Mishra, Chun Hei Kim.

Pets:

Lizard

Spider

Cats

Dogs

Birds

Fish

Personality:

Hobbies:

Likes:

Dislikes:

Positive character traits:

Negative character traits:

Virtues:

Vices:

Voice:

Fears/Phobias:

Economic class:

Political Leaning: Socialist/Communist

Citizenship: Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma.

Place of Birth: Oklahoma City

Current Residence:

High Rise Apartment

Penthouse Suite in a Five Star Hotel

Smart Home

Hacker Cave Home Base

Her hacker cave is geeky and nerdy. It’s full of advanced technology. It’s full of beeping computers, metal pipes, futuristic gadgets, blinkenlights, & lots of buttons. It is also filled with anime figurines, action figures, comics, video games, and other otaku paraphernalia. Computer screens are floating there in featureless blackness and all the controls are on the arms of hee chair. The control room of her high-rise. The large monitors are used for observing the security cameras of the building. There are only several actual desktop computers with one to three monitors or several laptops each. She gets a more organized variation with a full wall of screens that can project anything from security footage to news archives to incoming transmissions. Her operation's center is filled to the brim with computers, wires, monitors, and even a massive overhead screen. It includes a retro arcade game in the corner. It has a kitchen since her partners want her to be taken care of. It has a bookshelf full of various comics, graphic novels, manga, & books. It has a closet full of movies, shows, cartoons, & anime. Her hacker cave is stylishly located in a light, airy cyberpunk and solar punk penthouse apartment. Her hacking space has surrounding screens, numerous floating keyboards, and several electronic helpers. Her own room surrounded by monitors. It is also supported by simple and advanced human and alien AI. Her room in the high rise apartment is full of computer screens that let her watch several parts of the eco city, world city, green city, & megacity through the satellites she hacks. Said room is also accessed through a secret door that's disguised as a wall. Part of the dedicated computer area that was designed using her knowledge from working on the supercomputer of the Elites and helping upgrade the Paragons systems with an impressive computer system. She has several computers side-by-side that can show live feeds of the apartment and penthouse hotel. Her setup in her penthouse apartment is hidden behind a false wall. It's packed with tons of monitors and a several loudly humming servers with blinking lights. It has a hologram projector. It has old, current, & next gen gaming consoles as a gamer, streamer, & podcaster.

Education:

High school grad

College grad

College Degree

Bachelors

Masters

Computer Science

Information Technology

Cyber Security

Data Science

Game Design

Computer Engineering

Software Engineering

High School Sports:

College Sports:

High School Clubs:

College Clubs: Alpha Li Omega, Asuw American Indian Student Commission (AISC),

Occupation:

Publicly:

Professional Gamer

Animator

App Designer

App Developer

App Tester

Blogger

Brand Ambassador

Content Creator

Freelancer

Programmer

Cyber Security

Influencer

It Assistant

IT support

Podcaster

Social Media Assistant

Social media community manager

Social media influencer

Sound Designer

Streamer

Vlogger

Video Game Artist

Video Game Creator

Video Game Designer

Video Game Tester

Video Game Product Manager

Video Game Voice Actor

Video Game Writer

Vtuber

Privately:

Black Ops Spy

Paramilitary Operative

Hacker Activist

Netrunner

Fixer

Infobroker

Career:

Status:

Alive

Active

Class:

Hacker

Techie

Netrunnner

Fixer

She is a member of the Elites and Paragons.

Backstory: On the run she works as a hacker at underground hacker hideouts across the cosmos that is built by her hacker legion or hacker collective that act as her safe houses. She goes online using an online alias as a pseudonym. She never uses her real name as a wanted outlaw as a hacker. The external ports are mostly used for high bandwidth and more secure connections with wireless connection. One person who she lets interface with her futuristic form of connection between bionic and cybernetic partners is her wife Amelia Himmat Mishra the Afro Asian Black British and South Asian Desi Indian woman of color who is also a bionic and cyborg.

She was a former operative who was a spy, double agent, & informant for the Space Rebel Army. She is a rebel. She as a hacker and activist, was a criminal in the eyes of the Earth government and Terran Confederation government. Valeria was part of a hacker collective Splinter. She was leader of a legion of hackers who worked for Young Radicals and Winds of Change. She is a hacker whose work with the Winds of Change helped combat the tyranny of Earth and the Terran Confederation. So she tends to lay low by working as a repair woman. She repairs hard light technology. Valeria Nadia Torres Garcias as Rouge is someone who is wanted by the Earth government and Terran Dominion for being a hacker for the Young Radicals or Winds of Change. She is also someone who is wanted as an operative who was an informant, double agent, & spy for the Space Rebel Army. So she is stateless or someone without a nationality as a result of the revolution and as a repercussion of her helping with the insurrection and rebellion against the Earth and Terran Confederation to take them out of power. They told her if she returned to the Cherokee nation of her home she would be captured and placed in a maximum security prison in a black site planet or assassinated by black ops and spec ops super soldiers of the Terran Dominion regime. It’s why she hasn’t been home in a long time since she was forcibly displaced diaspora. After the creation of the Federation that composed of the now independent and sovereign Sol, Vega, & Polaris Systems she was allowed to return home by the new intergalactic government of this cosmic alliance after the fall of Earth and the Terran Dominion.

Level:

Stat Points:

Skills:

Traits:

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Alias:

Base of Operations:

Affiliation:

Superhero and antihero

Superhero Costume:

Her superhero and antihero costume is a one piece jumpsuit. Her jumpsuit can change color with adaptive camouflage technology. She used it for espionage and spy missions. She uses it to evade her enemies as a hacker and to evade her enemies as a superhero and antihero. She has electroshock gauntlets for close quarters combat.

Superhero Role: She is now the hacker of the Elites and the Paragons.

Backstory: She was

History: Her

Training: She was trained at.

Artificial Intelligences: As a cyborg and bionic. She uses simple and complex human and alien artificial intelligences.

Items:

Holographic smart glasses

Holographic smartwatch

Holographic smartphone

Purse

Wallet

Messenger bag

Weapons:

Plasma knife

Hard light sword

Smart Pistol

Smart sub machine gun

Smart assault rifle

Smart combat shotgun

Smart sniper rifle

Armor:

Combat Walker:

Mecha:

Transportation:

She drives a hover motorcycle.

She drives a hover car.

Powers: She is a technopath that can control any form of technology. She has power over technology. She has electronic empathy. She also has power over electricity.

0 notes

nami-writes · 3 years ago

Text

yknow. i dont really know what this is or if i'll even be continuing this but i had a Concept and i wanted to write a little something for it

full disclosure, idk shit about the military and everything ive written about it here comes straight from the research that i did which may or may not be accurate

content warnings: bad caretaker(? not really shown here but it's the intent), ptsd nightmare-induced panic attack, implied past abuse, vaguely implied past manipulation (the shelter), death mention

Whumpee hasn’t heard much about his new owner, but what he has heard isn't promising. The shelter tells him he’ll be safe and cared for with this owner— they don’t call them owners but they both know that’s what they are— and Whumpee wishes he could believe them but that’s what they tell everyone.

All he knows is this owner is a veteran, lives alone, and was referred to the shelter by a friend who also took in a rescue. It’s the “veteran” part that scares him.

—

The lady who brings Filip the rescue seems nice enough. He signs some papers, she gives him a copy of the rescue’s files, and then he’s heading back to the car with him. Filip gets in the driver’s seat but before he shuts the door, he notices the rescue standing and looking around like he isn’t sure what to do.

“Something wrong?” Filip asks.

“I, um…” The rescue glances at the back of the car. “Should I get in the— the trunk?”

He reminds himself to keep his cool. Rescues are easily frightened, Val told him. “No. Sit in the passenger seat.”

“Yes, sir.” He rounds the front of the car and gets in.

Sir. Like he’s back in Basic. Filip almost winces but he holds his straight face and starts the car.

The rescue is eerily silent despite how he shifts in his seat and fiddles with his fingers. Filip doesn’t like being the one to break the ice, but he hates the silence more. He figures he should stop calling him “the rescue” anyway. “What’s your name?”

“You can call me whatever you like, sir,” he says, voice so calm in contrast to his fidgety exterior that it’s clear this line has been practiced. He doesn't look at Filip, instead holds his gaze ahead and down. It's unsettling.

“I'd like to call you by your name.”

He doesn't seem to have a reply planned for that. “I'm… sorry, sir, I don't have one. S-sir.” But he tries to remedy it quickly. “You can, um, give me one, if you’d like.”

“Why don’t you choose one for yourself?” Filip asks. “It doesn’t feel right for me to choose your name for you.”

“I… could. If that’s what you want, sir.”

“Do you have any ideas?”

He pauses. “...No, sir, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, you don’t have to pick a name right now. Just offering an idea.”

He seems unsure what to say to that. “Yes, sir.” They spend the rest of the car ride in silence.

—

“I fixed up the guest bedroom for you,” Filip says when he brings the rescue to his new room. “Anything in it is yours now. Though, I thought you'd have your own belongings to put in it.”

The rescue looks confused. “I don’t need a bedroom, sir. I’m happy to sleep on the floor.”

Ah. “Well, then, you can sleep on the floor, but the room is yours.” Adjusting to a regular bed can be hard in the beginning, he knows.

The rescue still frowns. “Are you sure, sir? I can sleep in the basement too. You— you don’t need to waste a bedroom on me.”

“I don’t have nearly enough guests to need a guest bedroom,” Filip chuckles. “I don’t have anything to do with it but give it to you.”

“...Okay. If you insist, sir.” He starts to enter the room but then stops. “Um— thank you, sir.”

Filip nods. “You’re welcome.”

—

“So, have you thought of a name?” Filip asks. He watches the rescue poke at his food with his fork like it's foreign to him.

He looks up. “I— no, sir, I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted me to, I… I'm sorry, sir.”

“Don't sweat it,” he says. Val wasn’t kidding— this kid is so afraid of upsetting him that he upsets himself over it. “I’ll help you think of a name.”

“...Okay.”

“How about Kade, Everett, Coren?” he offers. “They were a few guys in my platoon.”

He pauses to consider these options. “Coren is okay.”

“Just ‘okay’?” Filip asks. “You don’t like it that much?”

“No, sir, Coren is good,” he insists. “I like Coren.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Alright.” He offers him a smile. “Coren it is, then.”

—

At night, Sir tells Coren to go to his room and go to sleep, so Coren obeys. He settles down on the floor and waits for Sir— he hasn’t given him a name to use for him so Coren has resorted to using Sir, and Sir doesn’t seem to mind— but Sir never comes to restrain him or even lock him in. Coren isn't sure if he forgot but he hasn't been given permission to leave the room so he just lies down as comfortably as he can on the hard floor and tries to sleep.

Maybe the shelter was right. Sir is kind, so kind compared to his previous owners, and he's still assertive. He's not very clear on his rules but his commands are clear and Coren will eventually learn his rules and know how to be good for him. He just hopes he’ll learn fast enough so he doesn’t have to find out what Sir’s punishments are.

—

He wakes up to panicked cries in the other room— Sir’s room— and he doesn’t know what to do. He wasn’t given permission to leave but Sir sounds like he’s in trouble and Coren needs to do something, needs to help, and maybe if he leaves to help him he’ll understand and not punish him.

Coren scrambles to his feet and down the hallway to Sir’s room. The door is shut and he hesitates to open it but Sir needs him, so he rushes inside and to Sir’s side.

“Sir?” he calls, gently at first, but he doesn’t seem to hear. “Sir, wake up. Sir!”

It seems to only make things worse. Sir’s mumbling and whimpering turn into shouts and just as Coren is considering trying to shake him awake he bolts upright, sweating and shaking and panting with eyes darting around the room before landing on Coren.

“Are… are you okay, sir—”

“Don’t call me that,” he snaps.

Coren flinches and nods fast, eyes wide. “I’m sorry, s—” He catches himself just in time. “I’m… I-I’m sorry. I'm sorry.”

He sighs. “It’s alright,” he mumbles and buries his face in his hands. “It’s okay. Everything’s fine.” Coren can’t tell if he’s talking to Coren or himself anymore. “I, um… I get snappy and frustrated easily when… when I'm like this.”

Coren doesn’t know what to say. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he says and puts his hands down. Did Coren do something wrong? “I need to— I need to get ahold of myself. I’m sorry. You can go if you’re uncomfortable.”

“I can stay if you want me to.”

He hesitates. “I… I don’t want to pressure you. Val, he told me you guys are really, uh… really meek, I guess. You won’t go even if you want to as long as I tell you to stay. That’s… I don’t want to make you stay.”

“I’ll stay, s— I’ll stay.”

“Okay,” he says. “I owe you an explanation anyway, if we're going to be living together.”

Coren nods in understanding. First, though, his owner drops his legs over the edge of the bed, then lowers himself down the side until he's sitting on the floor with his back against the bed. Coren follows suit.

“For the, uh, the ‘sir’ thing… I was in the military a couple of years ago,” he begins. “I was a drill sergeant for a bit, so I've heard enough ‘sirs’ to last me a lifetime. That's not my problem with it, though. My problem comes from later in my career, when I was higher in the ranks and more people respected me. Looked up to me. But more people died for me, too. More people’s last words were to me. You can guess what that means, I think.”

Coren nods again, but he’s still confused. “What should I call you, then? Um… Master?”

“No,” he says a little too quickly, like he’s disgusted. “No, no. That’s even worse.”

“Sorry, s— I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know—”

“Did I ever even tell you my name?”

Hesitantly, he shakes his head.

“Shit.” He lets out a sour chuckle. “That explains it. You don’t even know my name, what else could you have called me?”

Coren can’t tell if he’s angry and if so, at who. “I, um, I don’t know.”

“Rhetorical question,” he says, but he’s almost smiling. “It’s Filip, with an F.”

“Okay. Filip.” It doesn’t feel right to not use any sort of honorific to show respect, but it’s what his owner wants.

Filip must notice his discomfort. “It doesn’t usually bother me this much, you know. It's just when I have these… episodes. You won't have to worry about this once I've calmed down some more.”

“I-I won't call you s— I mean the, uh, the other thing, if you don't want me to, Filip.”

“It's clearly difficult for you not to call me ‘sir’. I don't want you to be afraid to call me something, or afraid to not call me something,” he says. “Call me whatever you want, just not when I'm this freaked out. When you're more comfortable with the idea of not using it, we can work on the real problem. Both of us.”

Coren nods. “Okay. Thank you, for— for being gracious.”

“Yeah.”

Filip sits there quietly. Coren doesn't dare break the silence.

#writing #original writing #whump #honestly tho doing research for this was kinda fun #but also bad for me bc i started humoring the idea of going to the military myself #like no bad me bad idea do not #i have anxiety i would break in the first hour #cw bad caretaker #cw ptsd #cw nightmares #cw panic attack #cw implied past abuse

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kenposting · 2 years ago

Text

hi!!! i updated this so you can see where to watch them all!!!

heart means its FREE right now!!! yahoooo and an x means its unavailable, a $ means its available but only for rent. all the other logos are where its currently streaming! and i made sure to only include those if it was a regular (not premium) subscription! (ex: if it says hulu, its on regular hulu!!)

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lots of titles are currently available for free!! and i wanted to compile everything that's available rn so just click the names below to stream <3

ps ryan gosling cannot pick a normal role to save his life - all his movies are so intense so i tried to put all the tws and a (copied and pasted) summary in there as well

° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . + ° . ๑・° ⊹ . +

Free to Watch:

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ The Believer; (TW: stalking, beating, domestic violence, violence kink, child death, emetophobia, suicide, hate speech, use of the n word, intense antisemitism, incestuous relationships, gun violence, blood) ✿ "A hardcore American racist skinhead who, because of his intelligence, leads a gang dedicated to fighting the enemy: the supposed American-Jewish conspiracy for domination. However, he's hiding a secret: he's Jewish-born, a brilliant scholar whose questioning of the tenets of his faith has left him angry and confused, turning against those who he thinks have a tragic history of their own making."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Stay; (TW: dog was put down, drug use, alcohol abuse, struggling to breathe, parental death, several needle scenes, mental health institution, threatening suicide, suicide, panic attacks, ptsd, self harm, claustrophobia, baby crying, camera shakiness, sad ending, car crash, blood and gore) ✿ "Sam Foster (Ewan McGregor), a psychiatrist, has a new patient, Henry Letham (Ryan Gosling), who claims to be suicidal. In trying to diagnose him, Sam visits Henry's prior therapist (Janeane Garofalo) and also finds Henry's mother -- even though Henry has said that he murdered both of his parents. As reality starts to contradict fact, Sam spirals into an unstable mental state. Then he finds a clue as to how and when Henry may try to kill himself, and races to try to stop him."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Half Nelson; (TW: cat death, implied child abuse, drug addiction + abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual assault, use of the n word, light blood) ✿ "Dan Dunne (Ryan Gosling) is a history teacher at a Brooklyn school. Though well-liked by his students and colleagues, he secretly spends his evenings hopping bars and getting high. A female student named Drey (Shareeka Epps) catches him in a drug-induced haze after a basketball game, and the two strike up an unlikely friendship. As Dan struggles with his addiction, he tries to act as a mentor to the girl, whose brother is serving time for dealing drugs."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Lars and the Real Girl; (TW: animal death, several panic attacks + struggling to breathe, mention of parent death, ptsd, ableist language like "crazy", car crash) ✿ "Extremely shy Lars (Ryan Gosling) finds it impossible to make friends or socialize. His brother (Paul Schneider) and sister-in-law (Emily Mortimer) worry about him, so when he announces that he has a girlfriend he met on the Internet, they are overjoyed. But Lars' new lady is a life-size plastic woman. On the advice of a doctor (Patricia Clarkson), his family and the rest of the community go along with his delusion."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ All Good Things; (TW: dog death on purpose, domestic violence, graphic drug use, fall from a high place, suicide, panic attacks, pressured into pregnancy termination, brief sexual content, sad ending, blood, gun violence) ✿ "Heir to a real-estate dynasty, David Marks (Ryan Gosling) lives in the shadow of his father, Sanford (Frank Langella). He takes a chance at true love when he meets Katie (Kirsten Dunst), a woman of modest origins who sees David's real worth as a person, not just his family's wealth. David and Katie marry and plan to build a life together, but their once-loving relationship deteriorates after David gives in to his father's demand that he work in the family business."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Only God Forgives; (TW: child abuse, gaslighting, addiction, sexual assault, very graphic violence and gore, body mutilation, lots of body horror, torture, child death, parent death, hate speech, homophobia, use of the n word, sexual content, incestuous relationships, sad ending) ✿ "In Thailand, a drug trafficker's (Ryan Gosling) icy mother (Kristin Scott Thomas) sends him on a mission to avenge his older brother, who was killed for beating an underage prostitute to death."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ The Big Short; (TW: abusive parents, someone falls to their death, suicide, misophonia, main character is autistic, panic attacks, 4th wall breaks, shakes camera, ableism, racism, hate speech, scene in a strip club, character is unhoused, sad ending) ✿ "In 2008, Wall Street guru Michael Burry realizes that a number of subprime home loans are in danger of defaulting. Burry bets against the housing market by throwing more than $1 billion of his investors' money into credit default swaps. His actions attract the attention of banker Jared Vennett (Ryan Gosling), hedge-fund specialist Mark Baum (Steve Carell) and other greedy opportunists. Together, these men make a fortune by taking full advantage of the impending economic collapse in America."

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Song to Song: (TW; bugs, drug use, cheating) ✿ "Set against the Austin, Texas, music scene, two entangled couples -- struggling songwriters Faye (Rooney Mara) and BV (Ryan Gosling), and music mogul Cook (Michael Fassbender) and the waitress (Natalie Portman) whom he ensnares -- chase success through a rock 'n' roll landscape of seduction and betrayal."

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Mojo Dojo Bingo Yeehaw

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ﾟ。 Ken's Mojo Dojo Bingo 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

i currently have ryan gosling brainrot and found myself rechecking google to see what movies i haven't seen. thought this would make it a lot easier!!

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project-ohagi · 5 years ago

Text

Rumi Usagiyama ღ Miruko x Reader

Buy me a coffee!! <3

Trigger Warning: PTSD.

----

What had enticed you so, that you deemed it necessary to abandon the security and warmth of your home?

Simple: food.

Your rations had depleted rather swiftly, despite you having a meagre appetite. It shouldn't have ever been such a bleak existence. This wasn't right, wasn't fair...but the normalcy was startling. It was a recent development, since you now couldn't fathom an idea as elementary as walking through the door. Shopping, bearing witness to the cruel humanity awaiting you just beyond that gut-wrenching wooden frame...

...You wouldn't ever do it again! You promised yourself. You promised yourself! But...how else were you supposed to reap the rewards of the harvest? Gods, you sounded so old-timey. It was unavoidable, really, considering your previous employment and family situation. You strained, but failed to remember a single instance in your childhood, or early adulthood, of you owning any kind of electronic. Everything you had access to was basic. Riches were never within your grasp, and both of your parents had insisted that you shadow them in their field. It had soon become an inescapable cycle of hoarding, rationing and pleading over the phone for someone to re-stock your supplies. You couldn't leave the confides of your home. You just couldn't!

Surely, they understood this, being war veterans themselves. Alas, their collective trauma was light - far lighter than yours. They could sleep soundly at night, without the relentless tears, without the thrashing and the screaming. They weren't plagued by insomnia, nor were they forced to consume ungodly amounts of coffee, in an effort to counter the hellish drowsiness. The night-terrors were agony and fright beyond human comprehension. You refused to submit to them ever again.

Your parents indulged the anxious thoughts swirling around your brain...for a while.

Now, there was no acknowledgement, only a blood-stained knife, stabbing at that horrendous, throbbing organ encased within your chest. Sometimes, you really loathed this life. Your parents complained - their burden of raising a child had long since passed. They wanted to converse with a responsible young woman, not a needy, whining baby.

So, it had come time to face the world.

Only...the world was just as disgusting as you recalled. Villains roaming the streets, with quirks allowing them to rival, if not surpass, the deadliest military personnel and weapons. You couldn't have possibly predicted this - you yourself weren't blessed with a special ability, and you had been in the field for so long, you managed to forget they even existed.

Except that one...the diabolical one, the one you were never supposed to encounter. To maintain a level ground, slaves to the army were chosen amongst the quirkless population. It was rare, but some families pledged their entire lineage to the higher-ups. This had been your case - none of your kin had ever developed powers. They were the unlucky few. It was of no actual consequence to your parents, but you were different. As such, you couldn't place your faith in the hands of heroes - or anyone! Your sense of trust had dwindled down to nothingness, especially following the abandonment by those who should have jumped to help you. It wasn't attention you wanted. You didn't need any of that!

You desired isolation, above everything, but you understood the importance of removing yourself from the depressive thoughts and views lingering in your mind...and in your heart. They displayed their aggression like a pack of wild animals, constantly trying to tear you apart. And, well...it was working. You let them succeed, for the effort required to banish them was far too great. You always hoped they would disappear, clear the path for some guiding light, some blinding illumination of hope...of courage. But that never happened. How could it? The rabbit-hole of distress and despondency was never-ending, and your heart fell ahead of your body. How could you find solace, when your entire being seemed to reject it so vehemently?

Was the question truly: Do saviours exist?

Or was it: Do I really deserve to be saved?

In spite of these overbearing thoughts, in spite of your spiking pulse and the beads of sweat ghosting down your forehead, you remained alert. You couldn't turn victim to another sneak attack. You couldn't be caught off-guard - not a second time. You avoided contact with everyone, even those with no direction. The terror mounted, slowly chipping away at your tear ducts, but there was only one more block. Your shopping list was concise. It was certain to be a short trip. Could your illness permit a moment's respite?

But time was of the essence.

The hourglass-sand was draining.

And then came the villain attack.

Even in your state of hyper-awareness, you failed to notice the warning signs. You didn't have foresight. This wasn't supposed to happen. History - your nauseating history - was repeating. It was repeating, and once again, you were rendered helpless, powerless, utterly useless. You couldn't save anyone, not your closest companions...not even yourself. Were you seeing static, or was it just the violent tremors manipulating your vision? By taking the initiative, by leaving your house...had you willing walked into a death trap? Were you going to die here?...Would you join those who perished in the field? What if they rejected you? You couldn't save them, and their blood had painted your skin...would they implore you to leave? The villain was nothing more than a blurred outline, but when you saw his quirk, your blood ran cold.

It was Reanimation. It was the same...the same...It was a curse, placed upon your friends all those moons ago. It was inescapable. It was a cage. You gripped your neck, an extreme feeling of suffocation making you keel over. This couldn't be happening. Not again! Not again! Not again! The villain was stabbing and slashing civilians left and right, then turning the corpses against the rest. People were dying. In a few seconds, you too would succumb to those glinting blades - the villain was heading toward you. But your muscles were frozen. Your breathing was laboured.

Perhaps death would release you from this dreadful panic? You didn't truly wish to find out. You wanted to live, and you wanted normalcy. You just...wanted a chance. A chance to prove your worth, to prove your benevolence.

But...the blood...

...it was clawing desperately at your shirt. It felt far too familiar. To whom did it belong? With all the chaos, you just couldn't tell. You could hear nothing over the incessant ringing and ragged breaths. You could see nothing beyond the crimson spots in your vision. You waited for death, for your early appointment with the Reaper. It never came. A sudden gust of wind rocked you, and a blurry figure ran past, kicking into the crowd. You couldn't see the flames of delight glossing over her eyes. You couldn't really tell that it was a woman - a hero. You were too busy panicking. The curtain closed on the corpse party rather soon, but you kept crying, kept shaking. This was your normal, your reaction. It was inescapable. It was hellish.

The hero beamed, showing off her victorious grin.

"And that's how you beat death!"

You weren't listening - you couldn't.

It seemed as though she planned to hop away. But her gaze travelled to you. It was a little confusing, since after an ordeal like this, regular civilians tended to thank her, ask for an autograph and then walk away. Sure, it could have been traumatising...but to such an extent? Something more was afoot. She wasn't really the comforting type, but there was no-one else around to help. The police would arrive shortly, though she doubted they would possess the expertise to deal with you, in this condition. Well, she was a pro for a reason, right? She could totally deal with this herself!

No biggie!

Crouching down beside you, she tried to rein in her loud, possibly brash voice. "Hey, what's up? Did that villain hurt ya?"

Your only response was more heavy breathing. A quick scan of your body revealed no injuries, just blood spatter. She was relieved, but you looked stressed and stricken with fear - enough to pass out. Now she wished a jacket was part of her costume, so she could wrap it around you, and hopefully provide some semblance of safety. Her strong hands found purchase on your back and arm, rubbing over the clothing, in an effort to calm you down. You felt her touch...her warmth. It was oddly soothing, and managed to slow your breaths. You wanted to speak. Well, to be honest, you wanted to scream. This woman...you sensed her strength, almost like it radiated off her. It was reassuring, but that couldn't compensate for everything you had just witnessed...everything you had heard and felt.

"So what triggered you? Was it the blood, or-" A whimper-yell slashed through her questions.

Okay, so blood wasn't to be mentioned.

Her grin didn't falter. "Good thing I was here! I beat the crap outta that villain, so now you should be fine, right? I'm Miruko!"

Pride rushed to her face.

You despised words of such hollow comfort, but she seemed to be genuinely trying. You supposed it was admirable. Your attacks were difficult not only for yourself, but also those nearby, after all. People usually took their leave pretty quickly. Not this one. As your panic-induced haze cleared, and the trembling slowed, your eyes met the most breath-taking woman imaginable. You had always considered yourself open to same-sex dating, but nobody had ever sparked your fancy. This woman didn't cause such a fleeting pang in your heart. No - she ignited your very soul. You clung to every echo of her voice, but you just couldn't agree with her. She was under the impression that heroes were essential, that they rescued and relieved. That child-like train of thought niggled the back of your mind.

"I get to kick so many villains' butts! It's a real adrenaline rush!" You understood that she was trying to push the incident from your mind.

Heroes were slaves to the system, to the government...exactly like soldiers. Screwing your eyes shut, you started to speak, praying that you wouldn't be interrupted by further, miserable cries or screams of agony.

"On the war-front, there are no heroes. Only pawns, manipulated into throwing their lives away for people who would save their own skins at any chance they got."

Were you whispering? Maybe yelling? It wasn't important, but the woman appeared stunned to silence. Despite your ears having been liberated from the harsh ringing of funeral bells, you could scarcely hear yourself. Were you purposefully blocking out these words? Was it because of their truth? You didn't know.

"Damn, someone did do a number on you, huh? You said 'war-front' - were you a soldier?"

You didn't notice your unrelenting grip, the nails that dug into her skin, begging for her attention. Maybe the past should remain buried? Her curiosity could be unsatiated. You would probably require some degree of medical assistance, but would your hold ever loosen? She likely neglected a number of villain attacks, while waiting with you, but...

...to her, it was worth every second.

[Word Count: 1867]

#bnha #my hero academia x reader #miruko #mirko x reader #bnha miruko #rumi usagiyama x reader #my hero academia imagines #romance #ptsd #angst #bnha x reader #miruko x female reader

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procrastinatingsab · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 2 of Trapped is up! please let me know what you think ;3

Summary: A woman disappears. She shows up two days after her husband reports her missing, gives no explanation of what happened and takes her own life the next day. Is she the only victim? Is it really suicide? And what happened when she went missing? Bright and the team investigate the mystery, and Malcolm finds himself in danger yet again. Will he come out unscathed?

AO3

Read Below.

Additional Tags: Implied/Referenced Suicide, PTSD, Claustrophobia, Panic Attack, Kidnapping, Implied Brightwell

note: This chapter has mentions of suicide, nothing is explicitly described, but please be warned. Note: I am sorry in advance if any of my medical knowledge or drugs is unrealistic. I just had an idea and I am rolling with it.

Chapter Two: Edrisa Brings in a Case

It was a good day. He navigated the streets of New York City with ease. His footsteps were happy, bouncy even. And why wouldn’t they be? There is a Case Afterall!

And nothing makes him happier. It’s not like he enjoys murders.

No.

He just likes to catch killers, bring them to justice. He wants to protect his family and his community. He's told John Watkins that already. He also admits that it keeps his mind off things. Keeps things at bay. It's also a good challenge, a euphoric experience. Almost like ecstasy. That all he admits.

But what he fails to admit is that he feels it's his personal mission to atone for what Dr. Martin Whitly has done. The pain he has imposed on the world. The wounds he inflicted. Wounds that did not only affect the victims and their families but also his mother, his sister, and himself. Wounds that cannot heal. Wounds that continue to bleed twenty years later.

No.

He does not admit any of this. Because this thought redeems him, makes him a good person. Like some good Samaritan who saw the world was suffering and decided to help. But he knows he's none of that. "We are the same." He is not a good person. He's just to blame for what his father did. He is not any better. He is broken.

Yes.

He's serving his penance. Atoning for those sins, he somehow feels responsible for. And even though he can't seem to close the old wounds, he was at least sparing others the all-knowing pain. That’s why he loved his job at the FBI. This is why he loves working for the NYPD.

Today was a different case, though. It wasn't Gil who called him, like usual, but Edrisa. He could feel her excitement radiating from the text. Or rather a string of texts. Edrisa was the type of person to shoot 10 texts to get through one idea. Blurbs of text came to his phone as he was sipping his morning coffee.

Bright!!!

You need to see this!

I need to talk to you.

It’s about a case.

Like a very cool one!

ASAP.

Really! It’s a good one!

He was out of the house as soon as he read the word case. Malcolm liked Edrisa. He could always be himself with her. She doesn’t judge him or give him creepy glances when he’s fascinated by murder. She's actually into the same things he likes. They share the same fascination for science and anatomy. He’s grateful for his team in the NYPD, more so now that he feels accepted by them. However, Edrisa was the first to accept him right away, and for that, he will always be grateful. After years of being considered a freak, bullied, harassed, and looked down upon, bright couldn't shake the amount of relief he felt about being so fully accepted and so fast. Even when she knew who he was, what his father was.

He reached her office, and through the glass window, he saw her frantically typing on her computer. Her eyebrows were creased, and she was deep into whatever was on the screen that she startled when he opened the door.

"Bright!" she exclaimed, "what took you so long! Come…come in quickly."

She was hopping on her legs, and in her hurried pace, she managed to hit her funny bony. "Aow Aow Awo,” she repeated and muttered, “why does it always hurt that much.”

Malcolm smiled. It was a quiet and rueful smile, the only smile he ever gives. She doesn't remember ever seeing him truly smile.

“ Hello Edrisa,” he looked at his watch, “I had to walk here. Your texts said you have a case?”

“ Yes, yes, YES," she said with a pointed finger up in the air while navigating back to her desk, and he followed to sit at the chair there. "Okay, so it's not really a case per se,” she said and saw his shoulders drop. “Wait, I mean it is, I really think it is. But when I spoke to Gil, he did not see it.”

He frowned, "Why would, Gil ..."

“haah! Because the victim wasn’t killed.”

His frown deepened, but it wasn't an impatient frown. It was leaning more towards perplexed, thoughtful, and definitely not judgmental. She looked at him for a second.

"No, no, no. Let me explain. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?” she pushed the rims of her glasses to her nose and started.

"So yesterday was a normal day. All cool. Daily work, nothing out of the ordinary, really. I was working with a poor Jane doe but then. Oh, by the way, did you know that when the lungs are submerged in water for so long, they kind of… oh, Sorry, sorry, of course, you do! Where was I? I got carried away,” she smiled sheepishly. Malcolm smiled back. He knows how Edrisa gets carried away, he does so himself more often than ever, so he's not one to judge. On regular days they can both start talking and jumping from topic to topic that by the end of the conversation, they would have discussed ten different things and forgot what the initial topic was even about. Today was different though, this was not an idle chat. They were discussing a case, and so he curbed his itch to ask about Jane Doe and silently let her continue her narrative.

“Back to our story,” she continued, “ So, I get a call from a colleague of mine, Dr. Mathew Brown, he was working with a victim…um, a Mrs. Lori Stewart. Poor soul took her own life. Husband found her in the bathtub, having slit both her wrists." She hung her head low for a few seconds in dismay, and her voice was less enthusiastic, more apologetic, "She left behind a two-year-old. The husband was devastated."

He lowered his head in turn. One would assume that after so much death surrounding them, that it will get easier. It never does.

“So, Mathew, he um... wanted my opinion on her. He thinks it might not be as simple as it looks.”

In reply to his arched eyebrows, she continued, " Lori went missing a couple of days before the accident. Her husband filed a missing person's report forty-eight hours after she disappeared. He insisted that something terrible must have happened to her because Lori rarely left the house. Never without letting him know. Never without lily, their daughter. He was frantic, according to the reports here,” she moved the monitor on her desk a bit to show Bright the police report.

“However, she turned up two days later, completely unscathed, gave no explanation to where she was. Said she just wanted time off. So, the investigation was closed.”

Malcolm’s hand moved to his face stroking his chin. Edrisa knew he was processing the information, thinking of the hidden angles, something he always does, so she let him be.

“She was not restrained?” his head jerked towards her.

"No. There were no marks anywhere to indicate she has been restrained or held captive. Her clothes were in pristine condition. In all outward appearances, she looked fine. The police ran the S.A.K, and the results came back negative. Apart from her apparent silence, there was really nothing to do.”

Malcolm eyed her, and his lips curled playfully, " but that's not all. Right Edrisa? Tell me what is missing. What did you find out!”

She smiled, not at all flustered by his sassiness. He was not the best profiler she knows for nothing.

“That’s what Mathew contacted me about. He found a very carefully hidden needle entry point. She has been dosed with something. So, when checking her tox screen, he found some anomalies. Lori had a history with depression, recently she suffered from postpartum depression and was still on mood stabilizers, among many others. The bloodwork that was taken back when she came home, and that after her death gave perplexing results. Supposedly, she left her medicine at home, so her blood shouldn’t have any traces of the drugs. Yet the levels in the report indicate that there were drugs in her system. The person-in-charge back at the time did not notice. The total concentration was within limits and in line with what's expected, given her medication list. However, if you look closely at the chemical's concentrations, you can see some of the peaks belong to model drugs that mimic the behavior of a conventional drug. It is very easy to miss if you are not looking for it."

“So, she was given another cocktail of drugs in different concentrations such that the overall concentration was within the limits? That way if you are not directly looking for it, you might miss it. Fascinating! Any idea what could those drugs induce?”

She shook her head, “Unfortunately, by this time, the drugs were flushed out of her system and also mixed in with her normal pills so further tests could not run accurately. She was missing for four days, two before Mr. Stewart was able to file a report. According to Mathew, if she was dosed, she must have been dosed on the first day. That's roughly six days ago, so it is not easy. But we know an excellent forensic chemist. We sent her the sample. Amy Garcia will figure it out, she’s the best!”

Malcolm gnawed at his lips. Something was missing. The case sure was a mystery, but he has nothing to work with for a profile. No pattern. Just a suspected foul play that might have led a poor woman to lose her life. Nothing concrete. He understood why Gil did not see a case yet.

“Edrisa,” he started but was interrupted.

"Okay, now you know the specifics. umm, you also know that I um kind of follow lots of real crime blogs?" her voice continued to drop as if she was ashamed of her hobby and expected the usual judgemental looks she normally received. He said nothing, just looked at her expectantly, and waited.

“ Lori Stewart was not the only case. In fact, this is the third case this month alone!”

That’s it. she hit the jackpot.

He shifted in his chair and looked back up at her, his blue eyes shining with radiant excitement.

She liked how excited he usually gets, and a deep sense of pride invaded her. She had to admit he had pretty eyes. The type anyone can get lost into. And they got all the much prettier when they gleamed this way. Edrisa liked Bright. No. Not in that sort anyway. Malcolm bright was not her crush, despite how she always makes it seem. He is a friend. If anything, she just loves his brain and is fascinated by it. However, that does not mean she can't appreciate art, and his eyes were art.

“The reason why the two cases passed under the police’s radar was that the victims were not reported missing. Here..” she passed him a file with two names and some information.

“A college Freshman, Alex Sanders, and Patricia Young, she is an artist. Here is all the information that I found. I will also let you know when Amy gets back to me about the drug."

“Thank YOU, Edrisa," he said with excitement while hopping off his chair. He steadied his clothes, "I will start on a profile right away. But I will need more information."

She smiled playfully, “You could probably ask Detective Powel. I am sure she will be happy to help.”

He did not seem to hear her because he offered no comment, but she could see his cheeks flush a little. He waved her goodbye and rushed out.

Edrisa eased in her chair. She already felt better. Whoever was behind the death of those people, and behind orphaning a two-year-old will not get away with this.

Edrisa tensed while she sat in that metal armchair. She was terrified beyond measure. Her wrists were tied to the arms of the chair using duct tape. Her ankles were tied together as well. She felt a searing pain in her limbs like fire every time she struggled against them. Edrisa knew that they won’t give away, they were wrapped at least five times, but that did not stop her. She could feel her heartbeat in her ears, and she was struggling to breathe. The duct tape gagging her made matters even worse.

She sat in that chair like some damsel in distress, she couldn't even lift her glasses up when they kept slipping off the bridge of her nose. Not like she loved what she saw, but she has to be able to see. A wave of helplessness crushed her even more, her heartbeat beat even faster. I am a damsel in distress, and by the looks of it, I am not going to be leaving this place alive.

She could not have imagined that she would ever be in such a position. Sure, she had a gun pointed at her once before, and she did not imagine that as well.

No, but no, this was different. This was hopeless. This was futile.

She looked at Bright, a few feet away, and her eyes welled with tears again. She was astonished that tears kept coming. They kept pouring down her face unchecked, and she let them. This was all her fault; she should never have gotten involved in that case. She should never have sent bright those texts.

#prodigal son #prodigal son fanfic #malcolm bright #edrisa tanaka #my first attempt

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ectoterrestrials-moved · 5 years ago

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Danny’s Mental Health HCs ( content warning: alternate timeline suicide, depression, anxiety, phobias & PTSD )

Under Read More For Sensitive Content As Stated Above

Danny’s Depression - Before The Incident

Danny’s depression became most apparent during his early teen years, and mostly manifested itself in the form of anger. Other symptoms of his include insomnia, and feelings of worthlessness.

Danny’s Trauma - The Incident

Danny is electrocuted while messing with his parents’ ghost portal before it was finished. The shock would have killed his human-half if hadn’t undergone a transformation that resulted in him becoming half-ghost. Danny has repressed the memory of the electrocution and the initial transformation, but because he woke up in the ghost portal in his ghost form, he was able to understand what happened.

Danny’s PTSD ( Combined with Pre-existing Mental Health Issues - Post Incident )

Electrophobia: Danny has a fear of electricity. It’s NOT a fear of electronics/everyday electricity that can’t be seen ( he’s not going to freak out every time he plugs in his phone ). Things like lightening, electric dog collars, and electroshock therapy could potentially trigger a response of anxiety and, in severe cases, panic attacks.

Identity

Because of Danny’s depression growing up, he never had a completely concrete sense of self. Being constantly bullied, comparing himself to Jazz, and disconnect from his parents exaggerated this.

With a new part of himself to identify with ( his ghost-half ) Danny’s struggle to understand himself worsened.

Identity Crisis ( episode )

This is a pretty great episode to look at when exploring Danny’s sense of Identity.

While attempting to separate his ghost-half from his human-half, Danny gets divided into his Id and Superego. His Id winds up and his human-half, and his superego winds up as his ghost-half.

Danny’s ghost-half tells his human-half that he’s a disappointment to their family, illustrating how he believes he’s viewed by his family. Danny’s human-half corrects him by saying it’s HIS family, illustrating how Danny believes his family will never accept his ghost-half.

New Anxiety

Danny develops an anxiety disorder that stems from his constant search for identity and his constant worry of how he’s perceived by others. Symptoms of this disorder include: general anxiety, stressed-induced-nightmares, panic attacks.

Sidenote: among many benefits of being half-ghost is that beating up bad guys becomes one of the most successful ways for Danny to blow off steam/control his anger.

The Ultimate Enemy - Alternate Timeline Suicide

Danny’s sense of self-doubt comes around full force right before Casper High’s C.A.T. exams. He’s reminded of how much of a disappointment he is to his family, his friends, his teachers, fellow ghosts, and himself.

He doesn’t question the ethics of cheating on the exam, because cheating on and acing the exam would be an instantaneous, tangible way to prove that he’s not a total failure. Even though the gesture would be empty, he still desires that written validation. His sense of self-worth isn’t based on anything real. It’s based on his shaky grip on his identity, and vague idea of society’s standards.

IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE ( sill canon tho ): Via a time travel paradox, Danny is the sole survivor of an explosion that kills his friends and family. He sees the incident as a result of everything he has feared within himself. He is overcome with survivors’ guilt, grief, loss, and an overwhelming amount of complex emotions that he doesn’t understand or know how to cope with. He turns to the only person on Earth who he thinks will have a chance at understanding his pain, even though that person is extremely toxic, abusive, and manipulative: Vlad Masters. Danny tells Vlad that he just wants the pain to go away -- that he wants to be rid of all his human emotion, and Vlad, like the disgusting villain that he is, complies.

Here’s where it gets head-canon-y: Vlad assisting Danny in separating his ghost-half from his human-half is assisted suicide. Danny kills his human half, ridding himself of emotion and pain.

Back to the Main Timeline IN CANON: Danny, in the main timeline, sees all of this play out and fixes almost everything ( clockwork fixes what Danny can’t ). This results in a lot of great character development including strengthened bonds between him and Jazz, as well as Danny having a more concrete sense of self-worth/identity when he decides being a good person is more important than a test score.

Back to HC Main Timeline: Danny becomes aware of how severe his mental health issues are. He realizes that he could be putting his own life in danger. He sees how vulnerable he can be and how manipulable he is when he’s suffering from severe symptoms. When he and Jazz reconnect after Danny talks to her about her knowing about his ghost powers, he also opens up to her about his concerns, and together they get help for him. This is the first time Danny reaches out for help. Danny attends regular therapy sessions from ages 15-19 and stops going regularly after his first semester of college.

What This Means For Danny Now - Main Verse

Danny is mostly able to see his feelings of worthlessness and lack of identity as symptoms of his depression and trauma, and not as absolute truths. He knows that these feelings are a part of him, but they do not define him. He still struggles with these symptoms, but he manages them.

#👻〚 about『danny』〛

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kynimdraws · 7 years ago

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FINALLY....after months of art block I finished the post-game Team Nina gijinkas \o/

To the newer followers who may not understand the whole Team Nina thing, please check out the nuzlocke comic, which is named “Myths of Unova.” Here are some links

[ Deviantart | Smackjeeves | Nuzlocke Forums | Tumblr Blog ]

With that out of the way, here are some bios about the team in general under the cut btw if you are interested.

This team gijinka is set about....5 years after Nina beats Ghetsis. After a year or two of rehab, Nina does rebuild the team with the PC mons she has had + a Larvesta egg that Alder gives (ingame it was just that NPC egg I had hatched but did not find a good way to incorporate it into the main nuzlocke story)

FYI some of the info stuff are more gijinka-verse based

Zach:

His general optimistic personality has not changed drastically despite the near-death experience with Ghetsis’s team. If anything he has definitely matured more.

He isn’t as fight-happy as he used to be, but is totally okay with sparring just to test his strength without too much risk.

After years of the creator being too lazy to draw him proper Samurott facial hair, Zach also started to grow facial hair (his lack of it during Myths of Unova was an anomaly for his species), which made him happy. Laila fusses over it since the first time he let that grow out it was rather messy.

The eye injury required surgery for removal...Zach sported a nice eyepatch during the recovery period before discarding it when the area scarred over.

Laila:

After facing Ghetsis, Laila has gotten less prickly around her closest friends and teammates, but you will have to earn that status first to see it yourself

She quickly became the new mom of the team, taking care of everyone.

Laila and Zach finally got together and started to make a family by adopting some of the younger Pokemon that Nina would catch, adopt, or just find somehow.

Like her husband, she doesn’t fight much. She has found that she is a great dance instructor and teaches younger grass-types Petal Dance and some bug types Quiver Dance.

Her family, who was basically nobility, found Laila’s new job a bit too low for her position. But seeing her happy made them stop complaining about it (and Laila would tell them off too)

Momo:

The youngest of the new team, hatched from an egg that Alder gave to Nina after the Ghetsis incident.

She was named Momo as a homage to Mimi and Jojo (the team agreed to this, and if she had been a boy the name would have been different but still a homage to their fallen teammates)

Zach and Laila’s first of many adopted Pokemon kids. Momo adored Laila, despite her tendency to scorch her mother’s possessions (Zach, who was better at tolerating burns, would always have to come to the rescue)

Laila eventually taught her to control her fire powers through dance lessons, which helped Momo immensely when she evolved into Volcarona. Fiery Dance and Quiver dance are second nature to her

She calls Izzy as “Aunty Iz” and Boo as “Uncle Boo.” She is particularly fond of Boo since he plays with her more than Izzy.

Boo

Boo was the first Pokemon that Nina sent to the PC and one of the first Pokemon that joined Team Nina when it was being rebuilt

While most fans were upset over the PC-benching, this break helped Boo come to terms with the fact that he had died and reincarnated as a Yamask (before Nina found him, he had just died as a Darumaka after being attacked by the Krokoroks/Sandiles in Desert Resort)

The reason why Boo is marked in asterisks is that that was the name that Nina gave to him. Due to the shock of his death, Boo’s real “living name” was never brought up until Boo eventually pointed it out (his real name is Alejo). But because Boo did not mind being called by either name, the teammates still mostly call him Boo. Momo in particular always calls him Boo because as a baby she could not pronounce Alejo.

He is still rather shy and reserved but not as completely withdrawn as he used to be when he was first found by Nina.

Boo is most open around Momo, who really loves playing with him. Her favorite pasttime with Uncle Boo is to swing around on his scarf

The scarf that Boo gained upon evolution are just spirit-hands that he can control. This article of clothing is how he grounds himself whenever he gets overwhelmed with everything (Boo is in the autism spectrum)

Izzy

The last member that joined the new Team Nina. After hearing about the Ghetsis incident, Izzy was unsure on joining the team since a member of her kind had given Nina so much trauma and grief.

Izzy became the therapist Pokemon that helped Nina work through the PTSD induced by Asha. While Nina insisted that Izzy did not need to help like this, Izzy kept on going. She even underwent training to become a regular service therapist Pokemon certified by the Pokemon Center

Due to this job Izzy undertook for Nina, she is rarely around the other members of Team Nina. While Momo finds that annoying (she did not fully understand the situation), the rest of the teammates understood the situation

Izzy only evolved to a Hydreigon after she was confident that Nina would be mentally stable upon seeing another Hydreigon after years of therapy. Nina did have a panic attack, but it was minor

While many Hydreigon gijinkas either grow literal extra heads or gain dragon familiars to represent their three-headedness, Izzy instead gained two dragon spirits that float around her and protect her.

#pokegijinka #myths of unova #nuzlocke #artists on tumblr #pokemon #team nina #ENTIRE TEAM #zach #laila #momo #boo #izzy

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victeux · 6 years ago

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just felt like going into detail on Rachel’s mental issues so feel free to ignore if you’re not about talking about that stuff

Rachel suffers from a few mental illnesses, some of which are obviously connected to one another. Her main ones are PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, as well as panic disorder (connected to both of the previous). Her bio gives a pretty solid background on what her traumas are and how they’ve caused it, but I feel more like going into how they present themselves instead of how they happened. Here’s a link to her bio if you want to know her background.

PTSD;

Her PTSD is mainly through physical touch; she doesn’t commonly experience vivid flashbacks from visual triggers or past noises from sound triggers. The only one of those that has happened would be a visual trigger of needles, although her episodes are composed of mainly emotional flashbacks rather than the visual flashbacks mainly seen on shows. Due to her limbs being fake, phantom touch and pain is something she experiences a lot, mainly during the night when she tries to sleep.

I’ll go into detail on her emotional flashbacks first. Let’s say someone decides to grab her from behind. Rachel wouldn’t necessarily lose her sense of self and present, however, she would be thrown back into a point in time where her father did something similar to her and her emotions during it. This usually manifests in a panic attack, albeit one that lasts much longer if the touch is continued. Grounding does well for her during her episodes; grounding could include talking to herself, walking, naming things she sees, or having something in her hands to focus on. She has never had visual flashbacks such as seeing her father’s face or seeing any moments she lived through. Needles are her only visual trigger I know for now, due to her father using them on her a lot. They don’t trigger her as badly as touch, though, and she mainly just gets a sense of fear and wants to get away from them as quickly as possible. Sounds have never triggered her.

For now, it seems any touch could potentially trigger an episode for her, hence why she avoids it at all costs. That’s not to say that just patting her on the back will trigger it immediately, but it means even the gentlest of touches could bring back feelings of intense fear if they’re done in a way that her father did just once. The only times that touch will instigate a full episode of panic would be prolonged, intense touch, such as hugs, carrying, leading (such as with a hand on her back or around her shoulders), and even holding hands. Of course, any other touch also has the possibility of triggering her, but those are the main culprits.

As for how her PTSD manifests throughout her daily life, the most obvious would be that she tends to avoid intense social situations. This includes parties, bars, or busy restaurants, just to name a few. Her emotions can change suddenly if she feels that something is going to trigger her, becoming defensive and closed off to whoever she feels is the threat. Her sleep is bombarded by her memories, and she rarely gets a peaceful night of sleep due to this. She also is quite negative about herself.

GAD & PD;

As mentioned, both of these are connected to her PTSD, however, I list them separately as they can be separate from her episodes. Her GAD causes her to be cautious almost all the time, even during relaxing times such as hiking or camping. Uncertainty is a regular part of her day, and she can be indecisive or take a long time to make a decision that seems simple. Her PD can be triggered just from feeling overwhelmed by a situation, hence why I include it separately from her PTSD-induced panic attacks. These panic attacks can come from seemingly nowhere and tend to pop up from her overthinking a situation or becoming increasingly anxious about a situation or, again, can come from nowhere with little warning or reason. Her PD panic attacks usually don’t stem from thoughts about her past, but it’s almost as if the emotions from those times of fear just pop back up out of nowhere and throw her into a spiral. Unlike her PTSD episodes, these do not seem to need a noticeable trigger to occur.

#ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ʀᴏʙᴏᴛꜱ ᴇɴᴅᴇᴀʀɪɴɢ ꜰʟᴀᴡꜱ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ʙᴇ ᴀᴅᴅᴇᴅ ；ʀᴀᴅɪᴏ #HV;RADIO #ptsd tw #gad tw #anxiety tw #panic attack tw #panic tw #mental illness tw #mental health tw #it's 6am and i wanted to talk abt it so what

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thepunksink · 7 years ago

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Wowee today I had a phat ptsd panic attack at fuckin work and it wouldn't go away after an hour and a half and the huge weight of realizing that I still have ptsd and have been self medicating while ignoring the symptoms for a long time hit me like a fucking brick house. Deadass been writing it off as regular depression and "drinking cos I'm sad" when I've been drinking when I'm having flashbacks and episodes and thought it was completely normal. Realized I need to go to ptsd/trauma fucking rehab bc I can't function when I have any prolonged silence around me bcause I immediately fall into a mire of terrible panic attacks induced by flashbacks and traumatic memories. Realized I'm co dependant and I keep running to needy relationships because then I have a constant distraction from my own thoughts. Jesus never thought I would have to go to rehab.

#woo #journal

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riding-with-the-wild-hunt · 4 years ago

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Just going to point out that the the hobbits’ first real encounter with Aragorn (then going by ‘Strider’) actually involves him having a panic attack induced by traumatic recollections of his previous encounters with the Nazgûl. The specific passage is here:

This always struck me as a really huge deal--that Tolkien created this strong, kingly, amazing, brave character, and the very first time we encounter him, he has a flashback and panics. From the way he handles it (he doesn’t lose complete control and it passes fairly quickly) we can also infer that this is a repeated occurrence in his life, and one that he’s had to learn to cope with on a regular basis.

I’d say that that’s a pretty strong indicator that Aragorn has some form of PTSD or anxiety (potentially both). And that doesn’t diminish anything about him in the slightest. He’s still brave, he’s still kind, he’s still smart and caring and loyal and courageous and wise and everything else that makes him special.

J.R.R. Tolkien just looked at the people who think that traumatized soldiers are broken/useless/cowardly, picked up his pen, and wrote a big “fuck you” in the form of one of the most well-loved fantasy characters in the history of ever.

it’s just hard not to think about the fact that in 1915, JRR Tolkien went to war not with but certainly in the same army and many of the same battles as his 3 best school friends, all nicely upper class young men who had never known much loss, and only he and one other came back alive - and a couple decades later, he wrote a book in which 3 nicely upper class young men (and one very excellent gardener) who have never known much loss go to war together, or at least they start out together, and they all come home alive. (Though one cannot bear it, and does not stay.)

#aragorn #tolkien #yeah #this #this is good #Aragorn has ptsd #I will stand by this until the end of days #jrr tollkien #tw war mention #lotr #lord of the rings #meta

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whitestonetherapy · 7 years ago

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Window of tolerance...

A client of mine experienced a very traumatic incident a few years ago and still deals with the effects of it today. She has difficulty in reconciling this event with her life both before and after the trauma. It just doesn’t fit. The memory of the incident is not like other memories at all. Instead of a regular memory her recollections are fragmented, they feel like they belong to someone else, and are combined with deeply uncomfortable feelings involving flashbacks. The question of why it is she feels this way has come up and I wanted to write something about it here.

Biology, the mechanics of the brain, and the quality of our relationships all have a lot to do with this. Start by thinking of life as an uninterrupted sequence of experiences – from the moment you are born to the moment you die. From your first breath onward your brain starts the process of ‘communicating’ with the adult that holds you. You can’t talk, and wouldn’t understand words even if you could, so this starts with your brain communicating your immediate needs (the right-hemisphere takes the lead at this early stage). You’ll probably cry loudly at this point. Hopefully someone will hold you close and make some noises that are intended to be soothing and loving. You have just begun the lifelong process of communicating your needs, feelings and desires to those around you.

What happens in response to your crying matters a lot. By responding to your cries with soothing noises and tender touches your parent has engaged their own brain (again, their right-hemisphere) and begun a long process that will literally shape your brain, helping it to develop and learn to cope with all sorts of situations. You begin to learn how to manage how you feel and, eventually, safely experience the full spectrum of emotional experience.

This early example of mutual regulation between adult and child, where your needs are communicated, understood and then met by an adult, will play a small part in widening your ability to deal with physiological and emotional stress. Neurons fire and proteins are coded, and your brain develops. Even as a baby you’ll come to understand quickly that certain things you do are likely to elicit certain responses. That certain emotions you have can be shared, and that certain things are likely to happen around you if you share them. You’ll learn this from crying at first, and then through playfulness and experimenting. What parent isn’t familiar with the great repetitious game ‘I’ll-take-off-my-sock-and-throw-it-on-the-floor-for-you-to-pick-up’? You’ll hopefully learn that parents can be relied upon. As an infant your brain will start to categorise responses from other humans into a general set of rules (schemas) - these rules will be based on the consistent responses from the people around you, depending on what you do/ what you communicate. This is the start of the complex scaffolding that’ll allow you to start to make automatic predictions about other people and the world. You start to predict the future and generalise - but, also, very importantly, you start to see the world through the lens of your predictions (very important if early care is not adequate and your predictions are thus negatively skewed - a blog for another time). This mental scaffolding gets more complex as you grow, and it will depend in large part on how you are treated, at least at first, by your family (badly, or well). That’s for the future though, because at first babies are just concerned with the person holding them.

With consistent sensitive care over time, the autonomic nervous system of the child develops. This is the facility that controls the level of physiological arousal the child has when he experiences new situations and is closely linked with emotional states. Daniel Siegel (The Developing Mind; 1999) describes a “window of tolerance”, a kind of goldilocks-zone in which there can be arousal of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system but without severe emotional stress. The sympathetic nervous system manages bodily functions (heart rate, respiration, perspiration etc) and the parasympathetic system is responsible for calming you down – for de-arousal. The two systems usually work well together, and we give them a good road test every time there is, say, an England penalty shootout, or jump-scares when watching a film at the Cinema, or when something more seriously shocking and frightening happens.

Parents play a vital role in helping children expand their window of tolerance. By introducing a child to new experiences that are towards the edge of this window of tolerance, and by making sure they are socialised properly, children will gradually expand the capacity of their nervous system to handle arousal. This helps them become resilient - they become strong even if they are not entirely safe. Good news for parents who are very concerned about keeping their children safe at all times - by letting children take some risks we help them to cope much better with handling strong emotions throughout their lives. Children will do this all by themselves anyway with games that seem reckless to an adult eye. Last week I watched an Instagram video of my 10-year-old nephew in a New York park, clambering in ‘monkey bar’ style about 15 feet up from the ground. He was using a section of a climbing frame that was obviously not designed for the purpose at all. It was impressive, but I would probably have yelled at him to stop if I’d been there. My brother is made of sterner stuff, being well used to his son taking risks, and he didn’t bat an eyelid. The designer of the climbing frame just hadn’t factored in either my nephews excellent ninja skills, or the reality that children will always look at what equipment is available then immediately start to work out how to take further risks. In fact, the maximum risk possible thank you very much! If you walk by any park you can always find children doing something dangerous while a parent hollers at them to stop. It’s not easy being responsible for kids behaving like that. I remember looking after big groups at my sons birthday parties and there would always be one or two who would not stop, whatever the game, until they were pushing the limits of dangerous behaviour. If someone climbed 10ft up a tree, these kids would climb 20ft and hang onto a branch by a finger. It’s part of how children grow and begin to individuate, developing a richer experience of themselves and the world, but it’s not easy being in charge of a pack. So expanding the window of tolerance is a good thing, and in childhood we seem to be biologically compelled to do that too.

Sometimes things can go wrong and our window of tolerance can be exceeded dangerously. In the most extreme examples (e.g a serious accident), if the trigger is severe enough the memory schemas on which we’ve learned to predict the world around us are temporarily blown away and cannot cope. When this happens the prefrontal cortex goes offline with all power diverted to the subcortical regions of the brain (limbic system, brain stem). This is the way the brain responds to situations when urgent action is needed. The parts of the brain responsible for rational thought and autobiographical memory are powered down. In traumatic situations areas of the brain such as the Hippocampus may become paralyzed altogether. Because of this, the traumatic event that is unfolding is not written to the mind as a normal, ‘regular’ memory. Instead it imprints directly on the limbic system of the brain, and so memories may be fragmented, incomplete, or context free. In these cases ‘memories’ can take the form of sensory flashbacks, outbursts of emotion, nightmares. And so we are left with recollections that feel different and dissociated from ‘the rest of us’, and not fixed in space and time. This set of thoughts, emotions and impulses can be deeply troubling and can take us over (literally) long after the traumatic event has finished. This is common with PTSD.

Moving inward from the extreme of PTSD, many people experience extreme anxiety and fight/flight/freeze physiological responses in situations that seem ‘normal’ to others. It doesn’t take a serious accident. Often this a result of our tolerance window being too narrow to begin with. When this is the case even ‘small’ triggers are enough to drive us to full blown anxiety attacks. I’ve known people for whom ordering a drink from a cafe would induce a state of frozen terror, or responding to a “hello” from a passerby in the street would be enough to cause physical symptoms of full-blown panic. I’ve known people who struggle to even consider as a ‘thought experiment’ being assertive (say, with an unfair boss at work) without taking themselves out of their tolerance zone. I’ve met people who’ve stayed in bad situations for far too long, too fearful to take action of any kind to help themselves. I could go on. Such people feel trapped, alone, overwhelmed and out of options. Sometimes this also comes with a sense of shame, leading to compensatory behaviours in other areas of life. At the mercy of their situation, people may look for ways to achieve a sense of control in at least one area of their life, to quieten their mind, to block out the outside world. Things such as food, exercise, drugs or self-harm behaviours might then be used to stifle all these difficult emotions and the horrible physiological symptoms of extreme anxiety. Often a temporary relief is achieved but at the cost of compounding the root cause of the problem. It’s a vicious cycle. The medicine starts to cause the illness.

Because the capability of our nervous system to handle arousal is something that first develops as we mature, we have to consider what conditions in childhood may have been absent or unbalanced in some way. Scenarios where adults might have failed to provide the conditions necessary for us to grow resilient in our childhood. Perhaps our caregivers were absent or too erratic in their care. Perhaps they were harsh and emotionally remote (”buck up!”), or perhaps too overbearing, drowning us in a flood of their own uncontrolled emotion and anxiety at too young an age. Maybe, even more dangerously, both. Whether through traumatic incidents or repeated ‘traumatic experiences in our relationships’ our nervous system can be taken well outside of the comfort zone. This often leads to panicked states of hyper-arousal (fight, flight) or hypo-arousal (a frozen numbness and even dissociation from the event).

How likely you are to have experiences outside your tolerance zone depends on many things, but I’ll mention two here. The first is your own ‘window of tolerance’. This is particular to you, and will depend on everything that has happened in your life up until now. As above, were the conditions right in your life for your own tolerance level to widen? The second is the force of the traumatic experience you encounter. If your window of tolerance is narrow then many encounters may lead to the kind of hyper-aroused flight/fight response described above. Equally, it might lead to the type of dissociation and disconnectedness we associate with a ‘freeze’ response. Dissociation is a way of compartmentalising something that is too difficult psychologically or biologically to process and work in the therapy room to integrate these things can take time.

My client and I are working with her memories and emotions of the traumatic incident, finding words to describe as closely as possible what happened to her (bodily, emotionally, spiritually). By pulling them into order, and in particular working to reduce the intensity of flashbacks, we’re reducing the automatic fight response that accompanies them. A part of therapy work with many other clients also involves trying to widen this window of tolerance. This is sometimes happening explicitly and we might talk about it openly, but more often it happens implicitly as we go about other things, and so I put it in a big box called “what actually happens in therapy while we are busy doing other things”.

Through talking about emotionally charged experiences we gradually develop our ability to hold uncomfortable feelings in awareness and to begin to share them with others. Some people have never been able to do this, having had to deactivate the innate drive we are born with to seek attachments with people and share difficult feelings. The skill has to be learned (or relearned). In therapy, one aim is to begin to see difficult situations and dangerous emotions as being understandable, shareable, and changeable. We might then feel less trapped, less prone to the ‘psychic-equivalence’ of equating our negative feelings or negative self-talk as iron-clad ‘facts’ about either the world or ourselves. We start to have options as to how to react, and this can be encouraged by experiments in between sessions too. A better ability to reflect on our experience allows us to recognise that our internal world is not the same as external reality, and it becomes easier to put some distance between triggering events and our reaction to them. With this flexibility, triggering situations that once overwhelmed our nervous system can begin to come more under control.

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