#rereading my own stuff is painful and there are so many errors...

[tgmsunmontue]

Please never hesitate to point out my typos to me, or my sentences that trail off and just don't finish.

[thedevillionaire]

Ooooh! Not too late to play AT ALL!! If you would be so kind;

⛔ 🎶 🍷 💔 ✅

Woohoo! 😃 I can play! Alrighty, then! Under the cut, because I talk WAY too much.

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped? 

Huh. Not many, actually, which surprises me. And if I’m talking only snzfic and I don’t include my vanilla stuff, then no, I haven't scrapped anything at all. It’s either a WIP or I’ve completed it, or it’s still 100% in my head. But this is probably just due to my writing ‘method’, such as it is – I watch my soap opera play out in my head, and sometimes I decide to make a fic out of one of its scenes. Sometimes that scene may be literally many years old, but for whatever reason – and the reasons vary – I didn't write it at the time. Sometimes the scene happened very recently. But if I decide that a scene/event/other needs to leave my head and become as physical a thing as I can make it, turns out that I...usually get it done.     I have so many more headscenes than fics (SO many more) that when I first read this question, I expected to answer along the lines of “probably thousands”. Shows what I know, lol. 

The downside to this answer is “most of my scenes stay in my head, and that’s why I haven’t scrapped a bunch of stuff – they never existed”. Sigh. 

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately? 

I play a lot of music, but if I’m writing, it needs to be something that I’m not going to exit the writing brain to and start focusing on instead. It has to be something that can’t overrule The Process, such as it is. So a lot of instrumentals make the “while I’m writing” cut, and I prefer soundscape sort of things to melodies I know well – again, distraction reasons.  

I often edit/reread with music on, though. I think sometimes getting distracted mid-edit and then refocusing actually helps me to pick up mistakes.     I don’t have any particular song on loop, as such, at the moment, so I’ll go with what I've got on right now: Accelerator by Pain of Salvation 

🍷 Do you drink and write? 

Certainly do. Not every time, but hell yes, a glass of wine or two absolutely can help my process, and will again. I edit at least mostly sober, though. And I post very, very sober. 

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart? 

Oh, plenty. Most of my characters have, at one point (minimum) or another, gone through Some Major Shit. Doesn't feature so much in snzfics, though, so...not so much here. My horn is a romantic. Or something like that. 😂 

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to? 

The same damn phrase/word I used literally a paragraph ago? 🙃 (okay, no, I know that’s not the point of this question but it is my commonest error and it sprang to mind, so...)     There is a lot of running fingers through hair, either their own or others. Wryness, both in expression and speech, and I wish there were more ways to say so. Couches and beds. Rain, hahaha can’t think why, weird huh, who can say. Facial touch. 

Coming together after an absence, reunitings. Get-togethers and break-ups. And first times, first times, first times. 

My characters sneeze a lot in vanilla fics, too. I mean, I’m not putting in spellings or anything, but, uh, yeah. Pretty regular occurrence. I'm an inveterate, uh...self-servicer.

[washymylifeaway]

Haikyuu SakuAtsu fanfic recs: series edition ;)

ALRIGHT LOVES, BUCKLE UP! IM FORCING MYSELF TO FIND MOTIVATION LOL

As I was making that cursed SakuAtsu fanfic rec post (it really is cursed, but it’ll get done eventually cause I do love the SakuAtsu too much, when tho? only god know LOL), I decided that if I’m gonna finish it, imma have to break it up. SO that’s why this is our lovely series edition post LOL. Originally, it WAS writers, tags, series, then single fics BUT I decided to scrap tags and even then I was like it’s too long..... And so, this post materialized LOL (mayhaps writers next? who knows anymore cause I certainly don’t LOL). These are ONLY some of the series that I absolutely adore, and I say some because 1) the tag is literally like 4k fics long and I was on like page 20 something and I have SO many tabs open rn for SakuAtsu, so chances are I missed one or five LOL :’((((( and 2) my ao3 account hasn’t been made yet (should’ve done this a looooooong time ago) and so I don’t have them all saved anywhere :( (these just sound like excuses LMFAO) So these are just the ones I saw and was like OOP I LOVE and then added LOL (and so they’re in no particular order hehe). I also didn’t *** any of them cause they’re all so freakin good and even if you randomly chose one, you will not be disappointed.

As per usual, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for series and each individual fic before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

I would also be more careful cause there are a lot more TW in these fics than other ships!

Terminal Curiosity by favspacetwink, moonlumie (E) // CHECK WARINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES!!! this is one of the BEST series I’ve read for this ship and even though I tend not to read WIP, IT’S WORTH IT! Please read ALL the tags before going into any of the fics in this series because there’s some real spicy stuff that may not be your cup of tea!

your highs and lows by astroeulogy (T,M,E) // this fic made me go on a roller coaster of feels from start to (tentative) finish :))) It’s great and I love it AHHHHH The progression in their relationship is just so ajfkjsf, and I just adore how Atsumu just broke(?) during that first fic and the number of double takes he did, v relatable LOL.

Different Kinds of Dysfunctional by DeathBelle (T,E) // I LOVE the entrance to this fic and how it flowed so well. I think Atsumu is characterized really well throughout this series (I could totally see Atsumu bringing the same thing up over and over again LOL), and his development was done beautifully (You just want to make me say it.,,, Kinda, yeah.). I really freakin love this series so please go ahead and read it don’t be shy hehehe.

we call everything on the ice, "love" by awkwardedgeworth (T) // I LOVE this fic omg,,, it’s in series, but it’s only two fics LOL... Anyway, Notte Stellata is one of my favorite SakuAtsu fics and I have reread it way TOO many times and the fanpage fic IS SO AMAZING (AND FUNNY ASF PLS). I really love ice skating AU’s too so this really made this ‘series’ all the more better <333333

know you better & related stories by theglitterati (T,M,E) // this is definitely one of the best relationship development series I’ve read, I love it so much! It really touches all the bases, and the progression is just SO good. It really is the fic version of the get along shirt, extended edition LOL.

flutterbird (a collection of sakuatsu one-shots) by wordstruck (T,M,E) // this series is such an easy pick up because it’s a bunch of one-shots (esp. if you’re not into smut cause there is some), BUT all of them are def worth a read. Personally, the third one, the sakusa kiyoomi listography, is my favorite (cause imma sucker for Sakusa), but that’s just personal preference hehe :)

Atsumu + Sakusa + The National = ? by isaksara (syailendra) (T,M) // this is another stand alone fic series but with AUs :D I don’t even know like most (ie. all) of the references (LMFAO), but I still read all of them LOL. Again, a personal favorite (without any references LOL) is the second one, famous angels (never come through england), it’s really funny and good and I just love it okay?

Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (M) // (this was CP from my angst fic rec post LOL tho it is slightly edited cause istg my writing style changes every post LOL) THE MUG FIC. There is a sequel and when I saw it, it took me another week to read it cause I was like,,, am I ready to have my heart break again? No LOL. But the sequel is actually not as angst (but there’s still angst), so if you want to be like semi-broken or whatever, just read the sequel LOL (also it’s Sakusa POV HEHE). It’s so sad and it made me physically hurt every time someone even mentioned mugs afterwards (LOL why am I so dramatic but it’s the truth :///). Go ahead and hurt with me. You should read it even if you don’t like angst because you know what they say, no pain no gain :’)

parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (T) // okay so technically this ‘isn’t a series’, but it is two fic that are related, and what is that if not A SERIES :DDDDD Anyway, I really love this fic enough that I would find loopholes in my own dang post to recommend it LOL. I really love the service ace bet between Sakusa and Atsumu (I do think it is a superior headcannon (it’s hc right?)) but I also love what’s left unsaid by both in each other’s POVs hehe. If you want to go straight to Sakusa’s POV (cause their different POVs of the same fic), here it is parallax error: line of sight. You can read either first, but I recommend you read both eventually :)

to make any other mistake by honeymilktea (rosevtea) (T) // I, myself, am a very big fan of college Haikyuu (tho idk if it seems like that LOL), and this fic is very much up my alley hehe. I really like the idea that they are both TA’s and that Atsumu would totally bribe Sakusa into fake dating him as well as Sakusa wearing his brightest outfits to spite Atsumu.

How Do You Know? by awkwardedgeworth (T) // these fics are both so funny omg. The google search histories, the trial and error, and just everything in these two fics gives me so much dopamine LOL. There’s one POV for both end of the ship, though their tragedies are slightly different.

the human disaster chronicles by firtree (G,T) // is this another Atsumu gay panic fic? Yes, yes it is and I have absolutely no shame in recommending it hehe. I realllllllly like this fic and Atsumu having a break down cause Sakusa didn’t follow his routine? It is the move. Anyway, pls read this series cause like the title suggests, it really is a disaster (but at least there’s love right? LOL).

I Love You (Though it's Inadvisable) by Anubis_2701 (T) // okay the series itself is a wip (as in only one fic for now LOL), but the fic is so good, I couldn’t leave it off :))))) First, I do love a good soulmate AU and although I’m not a big fan on the body switching AUs, THIS one was SO good!!! It gets really cheesy and fluff at the end, but the beginning of this fic was just so immaculate, that we’re gonna ignore how much the ending made me want to stick my head into a hole (cause it was so FLUFF OMG).

The Germaphobe and the Asshole by metaandpotatoes (T,E) // so this series is also actually a WIP, but it’s okay I only read the first and the last one anyway cause they’re basically stand alone’s LOL. This series focuses a lot on Sakusa’s mysophobia, so if you’re not a fan of the hc, you should prolly pass hehe. TBH, my favorite is the third one, Avoidance Behavior, but that’s mainly cause I really like SunaOsa and I love the brother bond in it!

you are the cause of my euphoria by SugarHighs (T) // ajsfljksadhjkdfk is my first thoughts while reading this series cause ATSUMU WOULD. He would start posting thirst trap pics (which really reminded me of Wonho) in order to prove he was the most good looking member of MSBY. Tho, we do love the clowning of one Sakusa Kiyoomi, as done in the third fic (PLEASE NUMBER 17 AND Cheezel). Even if you can’t get yourself to read the other fics, read the third one, 5 Ways To Tell If The Person You're Dating Is The One, for the free serotonin boost plsplspls.

'basis' - noun. the underlying foundation for an idea or process. by auvelli (T) // like I said, college AU is a great AU, love it. This one, I do love indeed. We do stan having microwaves and mini fridges hehe. I support the ramen endeavors but oatmeal is gross, I said what I said. Anyway, I love the tags in the second fic, so even if you don’t end up reading it, read the tags,,,, they’re funny okay?

and i press you to the pages of my heart by volchitsae (T) // I LOVE THIS ONE, teehee again the college AU makes another appearance LOL. I REALLY love this writer, and this one is so funny but cute at the same time. It’s another two POV fic, but you’ll want to read this one in order hehe. Again, the ending is so FLUFF, that my head wanted to take a visit to the underground BUT ITS OKAY.

affection and acid reflux by volchitsae (T) // so the first fic is ~angst~ but IT GETS BETTER OKAY, happy endings. HAPPY ENDINGS. Anyway, there’s some really cute Sakusa in this one (esp. when he talks to the boy at the village LOVE HIM) and a healthy amount of angst as well. I really like this fic and guess what it is? Say it with me, COLLEGE AU LOL.

how big the hourglass, how deep the sand by volchitsae (E) // did I just recommend the same writer three times in a row? Yup and I think that says something LOL (tbh I like some of their stand alone fics more tho LMFAO but that doesn’t mean these series are bad nononono not at ALL (this sounded sarcastic but that was not the intention LOL)). This one is ~magical~ (v literally) and has some kinky stuff (holy water ftw) in it, so tread carefully :) I would make sure to read the tags before each one because it gets kinda steamy LOL.

^^ if I had to choose between these three, I liked and i press you to the pages of my heart the most just cause the plot was my type LOL. But they’re all good hehe.

a study on you(th) and reverie by sieges (G,T) // this series is such a sad series :( The first two are the only SakuAtsu but the third one is an angst Osamu one so there’s that LOL (and ofc the fourth one is KuniYama (is that their ship name idk)) But the first one is a moving on fic (which I liked) and the second is like basically a fake break up (which I liked more LOL) and both have some nice shares of angst and fluff so choose your battles wisely (or just read both LOL).

Burden of Blame by DeathBelle (E) // CHECK WARINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES!!! ah yes, the mafia fic LOL. I REALLY LOVE THIS FIC. I felt so bad for Atsumu the entire fic and yes it is, ATSUMU BEST BOY time. Did I really just recommend this series AGAIN for the THIRD TIME in THREE SEPARATE POSTS? Apparently LMFAO I didn’t even know TBH LOL. I just really like this one,,,,,, okay? But pls Atsumu just here for the ride man cause he BEST BOY. Anyway, if you want to see my other comments of this fic that I forgot I did links here :D (links and here are two separate links to two separate posts LOL).

OKAY so that’s most of the series that I saw and was like gotta put this here LOL. And do you see how long this is (I know I’m missing so many series I like istg when I find them later imma cry or just make another post LOL).... Can you imagine how long my actual fic fic one is LOL (i’m not kidding tho it’s so long I might just do fics with their actual summaries instead of adding my invalid, piss poor reviews :/). Ugh the more I think about it, the more I lose motivation to finish LMFAO, so imma go be no thoughts head empty, but I hope you enjoyed reading these series! I love SakuAtsu SO much, so there’s lots more to come (is that good or bad idek). I know I was kinda lazy on the warnings (my bad), so I hope you all were attentive and made sure to check before reading! Also if there are any errors, send me a message/ask! PLS, they’re v embarrassing LOL. (Also tell me if I forget to cap my I’s bc I do that sometimes and I can’t tell cause of the font LMFAO.) The way my posts get slightly more chaotic every time I post LOL.

[hasquetzorkukudoneanythingwrong]

The (not so) lil master that could

Rex was sitting at a desk in an art studio. He was practicing his art with Da Vinci (caster) over looking his practice. He was practicing with human anatomy, with Cleopatra as the model. This wasn't the first time he'd tried this but he had an unfortunate habit of being over critical of himself. Da Vinci was well aware of this, many times when she tried to give him some criticism he'd take it way worse then she intended and end up dropping it for a long time.

Rex: uh... I might be close to being finished?

Da Vinci: are you sure? How do you feel about it?

Rex took a look at his sketch, the anatomy wasn't amazing and the clothing was a bit inaccurate.

Rex: no... it's crap.

Da Vinci: it's not that bad... I've told you before not to be over critical of your art.

Rex: but it's true. I shouldn't even try...

Da Vinci: hey! Stop giving up! You won't get anywhere doing that!

But Rex wasn't listening and he got up and left.

Cleo: what happened?

Da Vinci: he gave up. *sigh* he needs to stop dropping this stuff so quickly.

Cleo: well let me see the picture.

Da Vinci showed the picture to Cleopatra

Cleo: I mean... it's not so bad. I can see potential... he should keep going.

Da Vinci: that's what I've been trying to tell him...

Eventually Rex was in the writer's room this time trying his hand at writing a story. He was too disappointed in the art he tried so he hoped writing would be more his speed. Murasaki was there to help like Da Vinci with the art. Just like with the art and anything he tried, he was too critical of his own writing. Murasaki wanted to help him get better and to keep at it but she was too shy, the only reason she's helping instead of others is because folks like Shakespeare and Anderson annoyed him a bit too much so she's the better option.

Murasaki: how's the manuscript? Is it going well?

Rex: ...not sure... why don't you take a look?

Murasaki took a look at what he wrote.

Murasaki: it's pretty good so far... but this part seems a bit forced.

Rex: *sigh* so what do you think I should do instead?

Murasaki: stories need to flow naturally... try to take a bit of a realistic view on it.

Rex: hmmm...

As he reread the story, he became more and more dissatisfied with it. He noticed many errors and moments where the characters' dialog didn't seem right.

Rex: y'know what... maybe I shouldn't try...

Murasaki: wait! Please don't give up master!

Rex: why keep going? It's crap...

He got up and left, Murasaki just watched him as she wasn't very confrontational. Not that it would help as Da Vinci could tell you.

Murasaki: *sigh* not again...

Eventually Murasaki and Da Vinci met up in the hall and Da Vinci had a question for Murasaki.

Da Vinci: have you seen Rex?

Murasaki: no, he was writing earlier but he got over critical again and left.

Da Vinci: of course. He needs to work on his self esteem issues. I know you're always your own worst critic but he won't even let the ink dry before he burns the canvas.

Murasaki: did he go that far?!

Da Vinci: no... but it wouldn't surprise me. I'm going to keep looking, he needs to end this whole hyper critical crap!

Murasaki: alright, but don't be too abrasive with him, he may shut down entirely on the subject.

Da Vinci: *sigh* he needs a therapy session or something.

As she continued to look, she passes by the gym and hears his voice.

Rex: how was that?

???: your almost there! Let's try one more time!

Da Vinci: there he is!

She went into the gym, to see him in the wrestling wring. He was sparring with Quetzalcoatl, specifically lucha libre moves. This wasn't the first time he'd done this. In fact he'd been practicing with her for ages now.

Da Vinci, thinking: hey... how come he's never dropped this? When he first came in he had no interest in most physical activities. He was overweight and rarely left his room, but now look at him.

Da Vinci left the gym for now, but she planned to confront him about this later.

Later on Rex was walking back to his room, tired from the training he just endured. Then Da Vinci came in to question him.

Da Vinci: Rex!

Rex: ah!

Da Vinci: there you are!

Rex, nervously: what do you want?

Da Vinci: I've got some questions for you.

Rex: I dunno if I wanna answer

Da Vinci: too bad. Why do you keep dropping art and writing and such!? You have real potential for those things. But then I see you practicing hand to hand combat and you've stuck to it for so long! I've read your file, and have seen your behavior firsthand before all this and you never struck me as the athletic type.

Rex: ...well if you want the answer, then I've got a story to tell.

Da Vinci: by all means.

It was relatively far back, a while after Camelot was dealt with. Rex and Quetz were at the rec room watching Lucha matches. They had just finished one up, and you could see just how pumped Quetz got.

Quetz: wow! Wasn't that amazing master?!

Rex: it was pretty intense...

Quetz: I still can't believe you've never watched a match before. It's so increible!

Rex: I dunno... just never peaked my interest that much, but you make it way more interesting then I thought it'd be.

Quetz: gracias! When I first layed eyes on this amazing spectacle I couldn't help how awe struck I felt. I knew I had to master it.

Rex: ...I've noticed most of the time they have a partner. If you were ever in the ring for a serious match, who'd you want to be your partner?

Rex had asked simply out of curiosity, he expected her to say Martha or Scathach or some other powerful servant. But what she said surprised the hell out of him.

Quetz turned towards him, and before she said anything she held both of his hands in hers and gave him her answer.

Quetz: I actually think you'd be an amazing partner!

Rex couldn't believe what he heard. Him? Why?! He wasn't coordinated, he was a bit fat, and he was barely any good fighting without a weapon. If anyone that knew him from before chaldea was there, they'd expect him to give her a "no thanks" because that's the kind of person he was. But what he did say, would've surprised any of his family or former friends.

Rex: ...I'd love to!

Quetz: you would!?

Rex: yes! Anything for you!

Quetz: yay! Let's get started with your training!

Rex: now?!

Quetz: well.. it's actually getting late, how about tomorrow?

Rex: sure...

Back in the present day.

Da Vinci: of course, I knew it had to be her. You continue on to make her happy.

Rex: yeah... there's been many times where I was ready to quit training with her. It's painful, and just like with other things, I don't see what I do as good enough. But everytime I see her face beam with excitement for my training, I keep going. I do it for her, I want to be her perfect partner, she has high hopes and I can't disappoint her.

Da Vinci: but you can't put that effort for things you enjoy?

Rex: ...not really...

Da Vinci: ...why don't you show her your art or writing?

Rex: no! She'll think it's stupid.

Da Vinci: only you think that way... or at least that critically anyways. Regardless, I'm showing her!

As she said this she left to find Quetz and show her the picture he drew.

Rex: don't! It's too stupid!

Despite pleading with her he couldn't get her to budge on the subject, she was determined to do this. After a bit of the two walking and their back and fourth they finally ran into Quetz.

Quetz: Hola mi amor! Hola Da Vinci! What's going on?

Da Vinci: Quetzalcoatl, I've got something to show you!

Rex: pls don't look!

Quetz: why not mi amor?

Rex: it's crap!

Da Vinci: stop thinking that way!

As she says this she hands the paper to Quetz. She over looked it for a bit.

Quetz: mi amor, did you draw this?

Rex: yeah... it's crap I know

Quetz: no! It's actually pretty nice! I think you did a fine job!

Rex: huh?! You can't be serious!

Quetz: of course I am!

Rex: for real?!

Da Vinci: I've been trying to tell you!

Quetz: si! Don't look down at your art mi amor! It's really good!

Rex: ...you sure?

Quetz: si! You've got potential and I'd love to see you continue!

Rex was now filled more confidence then ever! He was ready to get back into it! Especially if it was for her!

Over time he'd get back into drawing and writing and even got into a bit of cooking. It was all for Quetzalcoatl of course! But he also never stopped training to be her lucha partner! He was ready for the day they'd have a match up together.

A/N: there ya go. Had this idea brewing most of work. Sometimes we're more willing to do things for others then ourselves, but that can still be a good motivator.

Tags

@hasishtardoneanythingwrong @hasereshdoneanythingwrong @haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @haskamadoneanythingwrong @hasabbydoneanythingwrong @hasspartacusdoneanythingwrong @castlecsejtespeakertechnician @hasbbdoneanythingwrong @hasnightingaledoneanythingwrong @nureenarts @kierakaz @valiantstrawberrymilk

[falsegoodnight]

some fic recs from the past months:

(this is for the person who requested via an ask!)

i haven’t been reading as many fics as i would like to be reading especially in the past few weeks, but here’s a bunch that i’ve either read or reread in the past couple of months (in no particular order):

make this feel like home by @soldouthaz | 43k

The house on West 28th Street in London is twice the size of Louis', more expensive than the price of all of his house and car payments combined, and is falling apart at the seams.

like it’s a game by @soldouthaz | 32k

there is little harry hates more than truth or dare.

and louis.

let me carry your weight by @soldouthaz | 29k 

louis is fresh out of a bad relationship with someone who made him feel awful about how he looked. on his journey to better himself, he meets harry - the ridiculously attractive and fit personal trainer.

call if you need me by @soldouthaz (a reread!) | 11k

If anyone asks later on, Louis plans to tell them that it’s all Niall’s fault.

* as you can tell, i’m very much biased when it comes to sarah :) especially her last fic which i beta-read! go read!

shouldn’t cry (but i love it) by @bloubird | 7k

They're roommates. They're quarantined. There's a small problem coming up.

Until by @allwaswell16 | 38k

Rural Eagle County, Colorado wasn’t the type of place to find a famous musician or actor. At least not until songwriter Louis Tomlinson showed up with pop star Niall Horan to visit his uncle’s horse ranch, and they just happened to find themselves next door to a reclusive former movie star.

Ours are the moments I play in the dark by @holdingthornsandroses (reread!) | 31k

Jane Austen's Persuasion AU. Nine years ago Louis Tomlinson was persuaded to break off his engagement to Harry Styles, a poor sailor. Since then Louis has come to regret being so easily convinced to give up his one chance of happiness. Now Louis' family is in debt and his childhood home is being sold. In a complete reversal of fortune, Harry has returned to England a wealthy bachelor looking to settle down. Events conspire to bring them together once more though Louis is- must surely be- the last man on earth that Captain Styles would think of now.

Ghost Note Symphony by @crazyupsetter | 96k

Louis is on tour when he first hears about it. It’s all over the news – Harry Styles Attacked By Fan runs in headlines for days. It’s not even just the gossip rags, either. Actual journalists are covering the story. It would have been impossible to avoid hearing about it. Technically, Oli is the one who tells Louis about it, but it’s not exactly being covered up. Harry doesn’t answer Louis’ text asking if he’s alright, but that’s not really surprising. They haven’t spoken for months, and it’s been a lot longer than that since they’ve had a real conversation. The sting of the text going unanswered is still there, less painful than it might have been a few years ago.

It’s not that it’s easy to forget about, exactly. Louis has a whole life outside of One Direction now, though. So Louis goes on with his life, figuring that if Harry was seriously hurt he would have heard about it by now. He might currently be in the same country as Harry, but being on opposite sides of it puts enough distance between them that putting it in the back of his mind is easy. There’s nothing Louis could do, even if he thought Harry might want him to.

That’s why everything that happens next comes as a complete shock to him.

Love’s Truest Language by @smrwine (a favorite of all time) | 53k

The first part was meant as a joke. He didn't really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow.

“Where's your order forms, then?”

“I don't want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him.

Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

Tainted Saints and Velvet Vices by Toomanytears (reread!) | 126k

A self-fulfilling Hogwarts AU in which Louis is new to seventh year and Harry is the resident devil-may-care Slytherin set to make his entire experience a living misery. Due to less than favourable circumstances they're forced to forge an unwilling, tentative relationship for their own survival. Repressed emotions, decidedly unromantic ballroom dancing, Triwizard Tournament tasks, creative jinxes and twilight flying above the Forbidden Forest ensue.

a trail of honey through it all by @yvesaintlourent | 27k

The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him.

Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

kiss like fire by @louizsv | 9k

Harry watches as his uncle's new omega walks around the backyard, serving canapés and drinks to all of the family members gathered. Harry is surrounded by his cousins, all sat together, too young for the adults but too old for the kids and teens. He lifts his beer to his lips and takes a sip when the omega crouches down by one of Harry's younger cousins and hands her a small cracker, sending her off with a sweet smile.

He watches as his uncle comes out of the house, sliding the patio door shut behind him and quickly making his way over to his omega. The omega looks up at him when he wraps an arm around his waist. His pretty lips move with soft-spoken words. Harry has to fight to keep his alpha in check when his dirty old uncle's hand dips down, grabbing at the omega's ass and making him jump.

"Dude," one of his cousins says, "Uncle Darron's new omega is such a milf."

Also, this one isn’t completed yet but I still recommend: 

Lidocaine and Palm Trees by @boldbabe | currently 40k, 4/5 chapters posted

Heat, fake tans and lots of traffic.

Harry never expected to earn his living this way when he moved to LA.

Louis didn't think he could ever be the same after his divorce.

A lighthearted story about two guys trying to find themselves in the vibrant, sprawling city of Los Angeles, with a side of technical porn industry stuff.

that took much longer than anticipated but i hope you (or anyone) enjoy! if anyone asks, i’ll maybe do a rec list for my favorite fics of all time... we’ll see.

remember to give kudos and consider commenting if you check any of these out!! they’re all fantastic!

*let me know if i made any errors :)

[excusetheconfusion]

Day One

It's been a full twenty four hours and I have experienced a whirlwind of emotions.

I've been angry and sad, I've been confused and regretful. I'm not sure what my actual emotions are, honestly.

It's been a long time since I've felt this. Honestly, I've never really felt what this is.

This is different.

In the past, I was full of hate and anger. I was happy to escape because I felt trapped.

That's not what I feel right now.

I think this is what it is to have an adult relationship end, or pause, or whatever it is.

When two adults can actually agree that now isn't the right time.

It is even worse now I think.

Before I was so blinded by infatuation that I couldn't see what was going on around me until it was too late.

That's not what happened this time.

This time was different.

This time there was communication and attempts.

This time, there is still love and no hard feelings...just disappointment.

My chest hurts, it feels like literal heartbreak.

I listened to a podcast today and it said that we would rather have "familiar hurt than unfamiliar pain".

It is so true.

I would rather be in the repeat of the cycle knowing exactly how it will play out compared to this.

This is the unknown.

I don't know what I'll feel next.

I don't know what is normal to feel next.

I'd imagine it is like the stages of grief.

Did you know, that a break up does to your brain what a cocaine addition does?

You get addicted to a person. Your body literally craves them.

Also, did you know that there were studies done on individuals who recently went through a break up? The studies included showing them a picture of their ex and it actually showed functions in the part of the brain that shows physical pain.

Literal heart break.

That feeling in your chest is the flight or fight reaction, but you're standing still so everything expands. Your heart beats fast, your adrenaline releases, and your body doesn't know what to do.

Then it's anxiety.

Women are 60% more likely to experience physical pain after a break up.

There are different phases to a break up.

One of the phases, usually the first one is where you only remember the good. Your brain has a way of shutting out all the not so good memories.

One of the other phases is losing confidence. You tend to lose confidence because you base your confidence off your relationship, well when that relationship fails, you feel like your confidence is gone too.

I've never been codependent physically. As in needed money, shelter, etc from a person. But, you get used to the routine.

Wake up-morning phone call

Through out the day-snap chat, texting, gossiping

Night-dinner, movies, laying together

Repeat

Well, now that cycle is over.

Now you have to find a whole new way to spend your 24 hours.

No more plus one's to a wedding. No more double dates.

It sucks.

It really sucks.

But there is a saying that everyone knows...if you love someone, let them go.

A part to that, that most people don't want to tell themselves is that if you love someone, remember to love yourself more.

Sometimes, you have to love yourself so much that you have to walk away from something that you love.

50% of all couples who break up end up back together.

17% of them split up again.

15% actually stay together.

Who knows what the future holds, but for the alone time that is in-between now and then, there should be reflection.

Being alone is the time for you to learn who you are again.

Learn what makes you happy and what makes you sad.

Learn what your boundaries are and learn what your expectations are.

Learn what makes you tick.

Learn how to control yourself.

Learn what your definition of love is.

It's not easy, it never is.

Change is scary too.

But sometimes change is good.

Regardless of the outcome, you have to make the present count.

Not to waste the alone time you have.

Just in the last 24 hours, I've listened to hours of podcasts, I've googled so much about relationships and break ups.

I've cried, a lot.

I've sat in the hot tub and just drank water and tried to listen to my body.

I've zoned out.

I've vented.

I've made jokes and I've sulked.

I've reread messages that I know will make me sad.

I've looked at pictures that I know will upset me.

I've spent the last 24 hours feeling.

You have to feel before you can heal.

Healing doesn't come overnight.

The average time it takes to get over a relationship is 3 months.

And if you walk away in love, chances are you will probably always love that person.

They say though, to not think of that underlying love as a burden though. To think of it as a gift.

That is your humanity and passion.

That is you allowing yourself to feel and appreciate things for what they are or for what they were or for what they may end up being.

Life is weird.

We meet people and fall in love.

You almost never just walk into love, it's always falling.

One day it's fine and the next day you can't imagine life without that person. You're imagining the American dream.

Wedding, a house, that white fence around the yard.

And then it turns out that isn't the plan.

Part of looking at this like an adult is accepting all the emotions you're feeling. Letting yourself feel and grieve.

Letting yourself heal so you can be a better partner in the future.

Some of it is embarrassing because with today's time, everyone see the profile pictures change, the relationship status change, and the photos that you don't post together anymore.

But, most of the time, we only share the good. We show the highlights to the world, we don't want to show when we are unsuccessful.

This time, I was unsuccessful.

I wasn't able to make things work.

And that's okay.

As humans, we will not win every race.

But, you dust yourself off and try again.

Sometimes you run the same race until you do win, or until you realize that there are too many obstacles.

But you don't know until you try.

Maybe this is another chapter in the book that will continue on, or maybe this is the end and a whole new story will start.

Like I said, we can't predict the future and we won't know until it happens, or doesn't happen.

We are human. We have emotions and needs. We have our own struggles. Sometimes you can lean on the person next to you and work through it together and sometimes you have to step away.

There are no right and wrong choices when it comes to stuff like this.

If there were, then no one would be divorced, no one would be unfaithful, not one would ever be unhappy.

This is trial and error and that's just part of it.

You can't let yourself turn cold.

You have to keep loving and keep giving chances.

You have to try again, or you have to go on that next blind date.

You can't lose faith.

The universe has a strange way of making things work out.

Sometimes, God doesn't answer what you're praying for right know because he knows there is something better in store. Whether it be with someone else, or with the same person but just the better version of them.

Sometimes it's right person but wrong time.

And sometimes it's right time wrong person.

Just remembering that things will be okay. It's going to hurt, but that's part of the human experience. Without pain, we wouldn't recognize love.

[shinneth]

6, 1, 7, 5 and 10 for the fic writer meme!

OKAY. Finally got free from the distractions. Let’s see how well I can answer these. 

6. Share one of your weaknesses

Oh, I have a good amount of those. I would say my tl;dr curse (I don’t think I’ve EVER written a fic below four-figures, and very rarely does it end up 5k or lower), but I know there’s many out there who’d tell me that’s definitely a strength and that they’d love to be able to churn out six-figure epics in their sleep like I do. So let’s go with a more objective weakness.

I have the redundancy curse. I have this really, really really really really really really really bad habit of somehow reiterating a statement twice within the same sentence. Or at the very least, my verbiage will get repeated more times than it should within the same sentence (enough to the point where the sentence sounds very awkward when you read it out loud). This almost always happens because I’ll establish something at the beginning of my sentence, somehow forget about it midway through, and think I need to add it to the end.

I can’t tell you how many times I fall into that trap. Only through rereading my progress to get back into the groove to continue a chapter is when I’ll really have an opportunity to catch these slip-ups. Since I’ve never used betas and I’m pretty much fine finishing everything in one draft and all that. It’s astounding how many of these errors I’ll catch, really. And despite that, a few will always end up slipping through in the final product anyway! 

It’s a very annoying quirk that I’d love to fix, but again, it almost always happens right under my nose. No matter how conscious I try to be about this sort of thing, it’ll pop up when I least expect it. So really, all I can do is just try and catch as many as I can after I’ve written my stuff down, but before I finalize my piece.

1. Describe your comfort zone—a typical you-fic.

I think the name of the game here is Adaptation Expansion. I focus on a character (or a small group of characters) that I feel

A) Didn’t get as much canon development as they deserved

or

B) Might have gotten a decently good amount of focus, but I’m seeing many unsolved mysteries/curiosities around said character(s) and many possible routes to explore any headcanons that are raging inside of me.

Or the headcanon itself is just really nagging at me, so I make a whole story dedicated to it. 

In your typical Shin fic, the more Shin likes you, the more you should be afraid. Outside of having a wildly creative sadistic streak, my best ideas are usually best suited to my favorite characters, and I happen to be very big on the Earn Your Happy Ending trope. Certain series I feel kind of gave their characters a good conclusion a little too easily, and so I’ve made it my life’s mission to erase any doubt in my readers’ minds about whether or not the characters truly paid their dues to get their reward at the end. 

So of course, you add that with the sadism, and that means you’re very likely to get a fic that at least somewhat leans on the dramatic end. I think the vast majority of my Fanfiction.net stories are listed under “Drama”, now that I think about it. But really, drama’s what you go with when you wanna raise the stakes to crazy-high levels. It won’t be melodramatic 100% of the time, nor will it be grimdark or consummately edgy; I do make a point to add some witty humor and even fluff if it’s appropriate. But Shin fics are all about letting you see the kind of hell certain characters could be going through in canon and thankfully aren’t - yet you’re also seeing those same characters achieve a level of greatness canon would have never permitted because they put their all into reaching their goal. 

That’s about the gist of it: trying to outdo canon at its own game, giving justice I feel my favorites are due, but only after I put them through the seven circles of hell. 

7.  Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Hm, okay. When it comes to pride, I’m typically very reserved in that regard. However, I was very proud of how This is Who I Am Chapter 5 turned out. I had an idea well before writing it about how I wanted to do a twist on the Mirror Match trope with Steven and Peridot - basically, forcing their light sides to fight off the dark sides of each other, rather than themselves. The more accurate terminology for what I actually pulled off was an inversion of Opponent Switch.

I was very happy how I managed to execute this plot, since so much of it was rigged in the dark sides’ favor and almost insured that only Steven or Peridot would come out of this alive; not both. When it came to Light Steven meeting Dark Peridot, I finally had the opportunity to properly write for Pre-Series Peridot, who I established earlier was a bit of an opportunistic sociopath. I was eager for the chance to make my version of Socio-Peri a legit unsettling psychopath and boy did I revel in it. So, without further ado:

Steven desperately tried to find any trace of hope remaining in this situation. "E-Even if you and him are just the worst things about us made into people, like you said, you are still part of Peridot, 5XG! You're linked, me and the other Steven are linked… and you two shouldn't want to shatter your loved ones, either!"

5XG found herself legitimately enjoying this; savoring Steven's agony and dwindling optimism. It had been far too long since she was able to relish in the pain of another; especially when it resulted in her getting rewarded for it.

"If you're attempting to argue that we don't have a single iota of contempt for one another, I suggest you spare us any more of your unacceptable stupidity by jumping off this platform and descend into the abyss where you belong," she said in a sharp tone. "You'll recall I absolutely despised you for quite some time before my weaker self got the better of me. Past-tense or not, it is a fact you cannot deny. Therefore, it is part of me. Consider it as valid as the fact that, regardless of tense and however I changed over time, I am and always will be a murderer."

"NO!"

Steven was completely shaken up, now driven to tears and cowering away from the Peridot who was his adversary long before becoming his soulmate.

"Please, don't!" he urged. "I've forgiven her already! I-I never hated her for–"

"You hate murderers," 5XG stated in a calm, neutral, but very firm tone that was sharp enough to cut Steven off. "Anyone who takes the life of another, you hate on principle. The cause or circumstance is of no concern to you and never has been."

Steven swore his blood ran freezing cold for a moment after taking in those words. He was stunned to the point of being unable to rebuke any of this.

"The Bismuth told me how events played out when you first met her," 5XG added, readily rubbing salt into the wound. "After knowing by this point how the Diamond Authority were responsible for committing multiple acts of global genocide, how this very planet was on that list, and were prone to shattering members of their own court on a misdemeanor or even on a whim. You were aware of all of this."

Steven squinted his eyes, trying his best to shut away any more tears. He tried to turn away from 5XG; his entire body was shivering while his hands balled up into fists. "P-Please, stop…"

"Yet you admonished the Bismuth for daring to create weapons made for wiping out an enemy with lethal force; legitimate ways to justifiably defend yourself against an enemy you know would not hesitate to take your life if they had an opening. You stood there, and you actually labeled her as one who is completely indistinguishable from White, Blue, or Yellow Diamond," 5XG continued; of course she wouldn't honor his request. "A loyal ally of your maternal unit whose focus was always on doing her best to defend her friends and loved ones, who only fought when forced to by the Homeworld gems… to her face, you belittled her convictions and you said there was no difference between her and the maniacal, genocidal dictators that you yourself were defending against along with your loved ones – just as the Bismuth herself. I honestly don't blame her for trying to kill you that day. You should have died."

5. Share one of your strengths.

Phew... this one’s a little awkward for me. I know one thing I’m objectively good at is writing insanely long shit that is at least good enough to compel people to lose sleep or pull all-nighters as they strive to finish it. I can at least safely say that because nearly every goddamn reviewer I’ve ever had has gone out of their way to mention this. Even if they don’t review, if I ever have a chance to talk to them personally, they’re normally gonna let me know they sacrificed many hours of sleep because of me :P 

But really, I’m consistently praised for expanding on characters or concepts that canon either could have touched on more or barely touched at all. Some people have gained newfound appreciation for characters they didn’t care about or even hated because of my portrayals, and that’s pretty damn empowering to hear. I’ll often get remarks along the lines of me taking a character and “really making them my own” - in a positive way. Sometimes I have plot twists that are complete and utter batshit on paper, but then I’ll get commended for making it completely believable to the point where readers tell me they wish it was actually canon. 

So, that’s enough of a strength, I would say. I can reach really far and still make an AU story sound like it could have easily fit in canon even if my ideas are ones the staff won’t touch with a 10-mile pole.

10.  Which fic has been the easiest to write?

rsilgjdgkljdgsjgahhahhhh, that’s not as easy a question as you might think! Every story has given me a hurdle or two. 

I think by default, I’m gonna say it’s Peri-dise: The Capitalist Anarchy. Because while I put my own spin on it and added a lot of things to make a proper story out of it, Peridot’s little Citystate session was almost exactly to the letter like a certain one by GrayStillPlays. So a lot of the heavy lifting was already done for me in that regard. Still made sure to add plenty to it just to ensure it wasn’t SOLELY just a retelling of that video with some name changes.

And that takes care of my first big ask! Hopefully those were satisfactory answers. I’ll... TRY and get to another before I pass out. Really wasn’t fair of CN to drop this leak on the same day I’d have to contend with 3 hours of Monday Night RAW...

[hueynomure]

11/11/11 Tag

@fatal-blow tagged me, the absolute champion. Thank you for thinking of me!

Rules: Answer the eleven questions, make eleven of your own, then tag eleven people. Since I don't really give a fuck about spreading this and I have like, a single-digit number of non-bot followers, I'll just do the first one. Anyone reading this is invited to join the fun too, considered yourself tagged by me if you want.

1. Do you have a WIP for NaNo? If so, what’s it about?

Nope, my stories have a really long mental gestation, so writing a lot on prompt is not really a thing for me.

2. Are there any things you’d really like to write about that you haven’t had the chance to yet?

To name two, societal expectations and how bad they can fuck people, and loving and committing yourself in general despite painful fears and scars.

3. Plotter, pantser, or plantser?

Both? Idk, I tend to keep stories in my head for a long time, imagining them visually until I have the whole thing in my head, then I go to put them in writing and systematically end up changing scenes and (less often) dialogue because they don't translate so well to writing or I get tighter ideas as I write them.

4. What is your favorite part of the writing process?

Coming up with combat scenes (one of my favorite things to read or write when done right) and rereading my stories looking for errors; I'm kind of a perfectionist (which is just wonderful since I'm not writing in my native language...) and I like to read my own creations, so this implements both tendencies perfectly.

5. What does your editing process look like?

1. Writing time! Many details and even whole scenes get changed in the translation from visual thought to written text, so there's a big part of medias res editing even at this stage.

2. First sweeping pass to check scenes connect well, that planting and payoffs work as intended, meaningful repetitions have the right wording, that the "voice" and the quirks of the POVs are consistent, that kind of stuff.

3. Close reading to look for typos (I never, EVER, catch all of them, but I try)

4. Casual reread(s) to see if I catch anything jarring in the flow of the story. If so, back to 2.

6. Is there a scene in your WIP you’re particularly proud of? Share it!

Hm... I'll go with this. Warning: implied incestuous rape.

Merit woke up hearing a woman cry. It was dark, but she could make out a sitting figure on the threshold of her room. A drunk servant? They knew better than wandering this wing unrequested. No thief or assassin with the wits to reach the center of the Meskhenet house would start sobbing near their target’s rooms.

“Who’s there?” Merit asked, trying to channel her mother’s imperious tone even with her raw throat.

The figure startled. “I’m sorry, Merit, I’m so sorry…”

“Mother?” Merit had never caught her mother by surprise, and she hadn’t even heard of Kertes Meskhenet ever crying.

“I never knew, Merit, believe me, I never knew… If I did…” Kertes sniffed and cleared her voice. “It doesn’t matter. Nobody will hurt you again.”

“Dad makes that kind of promises too,” Merit replied sharply. When her mother held her breath, the girl feared she had made a terrible mistake.

“Dhouti won’t lay his eyes on you again.” Kertes slowly stood up. “Nobody hurts my girl and gets away with it.”

Grim satisfaction cracked Merit’s shell of anger. “What happened to him?” She had heard of what her mother did to the people who crossed her. Often in hushed tones, when they thought she couldn’t hear.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s gone, and he won’t come back.” Kertes said with finality. “Nobody. Nobody,” Kertes snarled, sounding more beast than woman for a moment. “Nobody hurts my girl.”

“Good,” Merit said, basking in her mother’s fury.

“That’s just the beginning.” The Meskhenet Scourge was back in control. “We’ll have the whole empire at our heel, Merit. They’ll kneel before us.” Kertes took a deep breath. “Now sleep, my little panther. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

This time nightmares didn’t come for Merit when she fell asleep. She later wondered whether they were afraid of her mother.

7. Is there an author that inspires you a lot?

Naming a single one is hard. I look up to both Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, for starters, and I gaze in awe at Andrew Hussie.

8. Do you do anything to prepare yourself to start writing?

Not much. If I already wrote a part of the story I'm working on, I'll reread that. If there's some kind of music that conveys the feelings I want to put in writing at the moment, I put it on loop, otherwise I usually put on some ASMR videos as background noise. Other than that, I make sure to have something to drink close at hand, but I always do when I'm at my laptop.

9. What’s your favorite type of villain to write? To read about?

My favorite villains tend to be larger than life, over the top psychos like the Joker (Heath Ledger rendition), cunning masterminds and/or strongly motivated by a simple but powerful core emotion (like for Undertale's Pacifist final boss). Otherwise, I'm all about having "villains" that are basically forces of nature, acting as a backdrop for the other characters' behavior (like the darkspawn in the first Dragon Age or the dragon in Guards! Guards!). I don't write a lot of villains myself, society and circumstances are more than enough sources for conflict and grief.

10. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received on your work?

...I'm not very receptive of compliments, to be honest, and I tend to dissect them. I've been said I write viashino well, that stands out in my memory, but that's it.

11. What are your characters’ favorite animals?

I'll keep to my M:EM ones.

Sharaka: wolf, and secondly birds of prey.

Elphimas: Slug and jellyfish.

Ungar: crow, raven, rat

Kalit: wolverine

[crazymonkey10]

Bruised Love {Part 4}

Warnings: A lot of cursing and lots of angst

Word Count: 3,607

Summary: Harry has been avoiding (Y/N) lately making her feel unwanted and lonely, as he pushed her away causing her to keep trying to love him and make him notice her, but only to bring her more ache to the heart.

Note: I deeply apologize for posting this so late. I had a lot of exams and stuff, that I never had time to finish this. I didn't get a chance to reread over my writing, so please excuse any bad spellings or errors. 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

The sunlight shinned on (Y/N)'s pale face, as her eye lids slowly open to stare at the window. A weird beeping noise caught her attention making her snap into reality as she looked around the room, realizing where she was. The hospital.  She felt something on her hand tighten, causing her to look down to find Harry sleeping peacefully on her thigh, while holding her hand.

(Y/N)'s head started to spin as the memories of how she got here flood her little head, anger and sadness feeling up her emotions. There was so many questions running through her mind as she watches him lay there. (Y/N) quickly pushed them to the side and pulled her hand from his while she tried to move her leg from under his head. Only for him to stay in his spot as he stirred in his sleep to grab her hand pulling it towards his chest and holding it as it was all he had. She tried to pull her hand away from him again. 

"Harry let go" She crooked out, her voice rusty and quiet, while she yanked her hand from him, causing him to shot up awake.

"What? What wrong?!" He yelled looking around the room, rubbing his tired eyes. She glanced at him, her body tensing up when he laid his sleepy eyes on hers.

"(Y/N)!" He gasps, quickly sitting up to throw his arms around her fragile body in a embrace. Anger filled up her veins, as she pushed him off her. Harry was a little taken back, but he just ignored it staring at her alluring face. (Y/N) didn't want him anywhere near her nor on her, she felt sick and hurt, and just wanted to go home.

"Oh (Y/N), you don't know how sor-"

"Not now Harry, I just want to go home" She spoke up not wanting to hear what he had to say. Her expression stayed plain and tired. Harry bit his lip, knowing the state he put her in he wasn't going to get much sympathy and he understood.

He nodded, losing eye contact with her as he let go of her, while he got up from his seat to go find a nurse. As he was about to walk out the room, a nurse had walked through the door.

"Good morning, Mr. Styles, how's (Y- Oh your awake, good" the nurse smiled once she saw (Y/N).

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked, walking up to Y/n’s bed.

"I'd like to go home" (Y/N) answered ignoring her question.

"Well, you will be able to go home after we check to make sure everything is good, for you to go," she stated checking everything needed for her to leave. Harry stood near the bed watching the nurse listen to (Y/N)'s heart beat and check her blood pressure, wanting this to be over, so she can just go home like she wants.

“Well, from what I see, you seem to be in good condition, but I recommend taking it easy the next few days. Definitely eat more, unless you want to be back in here. But you may experience lightheadedness, migraines, or nausea. So, again, make sure to eat and you should be just fine.”

“Thank you.” (Y/N) nods sitting up. Harry analyze every movement she took as she tried to stand, but nearly falling over before he caught her in his arms, help holding her up easily.

“Woah, take it easy (Y/N), you've been in that bed for a while. Baby steps" He suggests with a small laugh following behind, while holding onto her sides to keep her balance. The nurse smiles, before writing down her last bit of information.

"Alright, here are her list of foods that can help her, and information of her prescription" she said putting the papers in my free hand.

"Oh, and you can put your clothes back on, and just leave the gown on the bed for me to collect" she smiled as she left the room leaving us alone.

Harry heard (Y/N) sigh as she loosely held onto him, not really wanting to touch him. He let go of her once he knew she was standing perfectly on her own and walked to the table near the window where her folded clothes were sitting on. He quickly grabbed them heading back to (Y/N) to hand it to her.

"Here's your clothes" he smiled handing it to her. She didn't even look at him as she grab her clothes from him and Harry wasn't expecting her to say anything to him. Especially not after what he had said and treated her.

"Do you mind?" She said looking at her clothes and then him gesturing for him to leave.

"Oh yeah sure" he said walking out the room cracking the door a bit. Harry didn't want to leave her alone, but he knew it was best. It pained him that she didn't even want to get dress in front of him, but he knew she needs her space and Harry would do anything to give it to her.

As Harry was about to sit down on the chair beside the room, he heard a yelp followed with a loud thud coming from the room he had left. Harry's brain starts wonder with all the possibilities of (Y/N) before hurriedly heading back into the room, to find her laying on the floor with barely a pant leg above her calf.

She looked up at him with pure pain in her eyes, the other pain started to fly through her body as she had tried to put on her jeans but lost balance. Harry's face softened as he looked at her bare legs. Her skin was very pale, while her legs were so skinny, it made his heart tighten thinking he did this to her as he scanned her. He decided to go and help her, his eyes never leaving her legs. Just as she saw Harry coming you towards her, to help her, she held her hand up stopping him from getting any further, causing him to stop and look up at her with a frown.

"No, I don't need any help I got this" she said. Harry hesitated as he watched her grab the chair beside her. She tried to pull her body up while holding onto the chair arm, but only for her to fall right back down with a loud cry leaving her lips. Harry took no time in running towards her trying to help her up.

"No Harry, I said I got this" she sneered pushing him away from her. He looked at her one more time. Seeing her like this, hurt a part of him. She didn't even want his help or nothing. A small thought in him knew that she was probably done with him, but he'd rather be hated than to see his only girl in pain like this. He already caused enough, and he wasn't going to cause more.

He ignored her protest and snaked his arm around her waist and one under her legs before scooping her up bridal-style. He had done it so quick she didn't even notice it happened until he sat her down near the edge of the bed. Just as he was about to grab her jeans on her leg, she pushed his hands away not saying anything while she pulled her own jeans up over her knees.

He closely watched her as she struggled to pull her jeans up while sitting down on the bed. Harry slowly held his hand out to help her, but she slapped it away.

"I don't need your help, I can do this" she said, a heavy sigh escaping her lungs.

"No, let me help you" he fought back, moving her hand out the way to help you once again.

"I said I don't want your help!" she loudly said, pure annoyance filling her voice as she kept trying to pull the jeans up but failing miserably.

"WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME HELP YOU!" He spat, the frustration in his tone causing his voice to crack at the end.

"You can't do this on your own no matter how many times you tell me you got it, when reality you don't" he stated and lift her body up to pull her jeans up over her bum. She just looked at him. She was angry and upset but she was also stunned and confused. Words couldn't even find a way to come out as he helped her get dressed. She didn't even move away from him, knowing things would just get worse between them two. And at this point last the last thing the both of them would want.

"There, all better" Harry spoke up. He looked up at her face, seeing her look the other way not trying to make eye contact. But he could see the anger in her eyes and instantly felt bad for yelling at her. Before he was able to say, she got up grabbing her bag before head out the door without a word. Harry exhaled a loud sigh, as his fingers ran through his tangled knots in his hair, pulling it, frustration and tiredness lingering in his eyes. He knew today was going to be a long day.

The ride home was quiet. The silence completely killing Harry inside. There was so many things he wants to do to loosen the tension between the two. He wanted to reach for her hand, and caress it in his own but he knew he couldn't.

"(Y/N)...." he softly spoke breaking the silence. Once he realized she wasn't going to stop him from talking he continued.

"(Y/N) please say something, this quiet tension is killing me." She closed her eyes, sucking in a breath, containing herself from screaming at him.

"There's nothing to talk about" she said looking through the window.

"Look I know I messed up, but can you just cut me some slack" he said trying to focus on the road. (Y/N) quickly looked at him her eyes burning holes on the side of his face, full of pure anger.

"Excuse me? You want me to cut you some slack? Wow, you're kidding me, right?" She asked, annoyed.

"No, I'm not, I want you to talk to me, say something."

"Fine, you want me to say something? Well let's start from how you completely ignored me for two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS HARRY! I have showed so much care and love to you, and you know how you repay me? You repay me with cold nights crying myself to sleep. All alone. With no one around, Harry. You didn't even show once that you cared. Heck! At first, I almost thought you were cheating on me. That you found someone new and would leave me without a doubt," she raddled. Tears pricking at her eyes wanting to fall free. But she couldn't. She can't. She can't let him see the weakness she once shared with him. See the tears fall from her eyes showing every broken piece of her.

Harry looked at her once he reached a red light, stopping the car. "You thought I was cheating? God (Y/N) I would never cheat on you, never" he said.  Harry felt awful that she would ever think that he would come to a point to cheating on her. He hated cheaters and would absolutely dammed himself to hell if he ever became one. He cared for her too much for that.

"How am I supposed to know that you wouldn't Harry? Huh?" She asked.

Harry didn't even know himself how she was supposed to know. He never really gave her a reason not to think that. He was always gone. As if he had better things to do. When really, he didn't. He just wasn't ever around to show her he loved her too much to cheat, especially on her.

"How? Fucking how Harold?!" She demands her face red and burning hot as her eyes never left his, causing Harry to cringe from his full name being called. She never called him that. It was always a nick name or a cute sweet one that would make Harry feel safer. He still didn't answer as he looked away from her and up at the now green light. He hit the gas getting near their street.

"God damnit, fucking answers me?!" She cried out.

"I DON'T KNOW!" He yelled at her causing her to jump a bit.

"I don't know.......I don't know...."

(Y/N) sat back in her seat looking ahead of her onto the lovely neighborhood they live in. She knew he couldn't answer her question with a full answer. That's what she wanted, him to see her point completely.

"Exactly" she mumbled.

He couldn't even move from his position. Couldn't speak even if he wanted to. He wanted so badly to just say what she wanted to hear but nothing would come out.

As soon as he pulled in the driveway of their house and putting the car in park, (Y/n) took the chance to unbuckle herself and find herself outside heading towards the front door as quick as possible. Away from him.

Harry glanced over at her, sighing, still sitting in the car. He can’t help but frown at the tension between them. He couldn't help but wonder if their relationship would end after the mistakes he made. 3 years of their relationship falling apart because of him. He simply couldn’t imagine a life without her. He loves her so damn much, just to watch her leave his life. He wasn't going to lose her, not now at least.

"(Y/N)!" He called out hoping out the car to catch up with her. He walked right in the house to see her figure heading up the stairs. Quickly, he ran up the steps following her into their bedroom.

"(Y/N) just listen to me please" he begged.

"No, I'm done listening to someone who doesn't give a fuck about us. Our relationship" she spat walking towards the closet.

He watched her as she pulled out her huge suitcase he bought her for her first time going out with him on tour. His eyes grew wide as he realized what she was doing. She was leaving.

"No no no, please (Y/N), don't leave" he begged.

"Yes, Harry I'm leaving, I can't do this anymore" she said, grabbing balls of clothes out of their dresser and throwing it in the bag.

"Yes, you can, you’re not leaving me." Harry walked up to her grabbing her clothes out of her bag and back into the dresser.

"No Harold I'm leaving you" she fought back taking her clothes out the dresser again and back into her bag. Harry completely ignored her as he kept taking her clothes out the and in the dresser. (Y/N) started to get frustrated as he kept ruining her plans, causing her to lose it. Every inch of her body that’s filled with anger is now injecting into her veins, pumping into her blood stream.

"HARRY STOP IT!" She cried, hot burning tears finally falling free.

"NO! I will not stop! I will never stop, (Y/N). I'm not letting you leave my life."

"Isn't what you wanted? Huh?! You don't care about me anymore and you don't even love me, why should I stay? Why should I stay with someone who isn't willing to put effort in our relationship anymore? Y-you said that I'm nothing to you, that I'm useless. You RUINED ME! I'm hurting, Harry. I'm so fucking hurt."

Harry swallows the lump forming in his throat, eyes flooded with fresh tears by now. Her words cut through him like knives, reality drowning him completely. All the things he had said to her bouncing back to him making him hate himself more than he already did. He steps closer to her feeling the emptiness between them.

"(Y/N)" he whispers. "You’re not useless, your worth a whole lifetime. And you mean so much to me. Those words I said meant nothing. I care for you so god damn much" he said.

"Then why did you say it? Huh? Why Harry?!" She said. Harry looked down at his shoes trying to find the right words say, but he couldn't think of anything. His mind blank and full of possibilities of losing her.

"I-I don't know..." he answered. He felt terrible that he couldn't even give a good reason. Nothing would come out.

(Y/N) shook her head turning around to walk out the room, but before she could Harry grabbed her wrist twirling her around, catching her in his arms.

"Please, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry (Y/N). Just please don't leave me." He starred deep into her wet eyes. His hands reaching up to her face, caressing her cold cheeks. His thumb grazes the surface of her skin, breath rugged as he looks at her in desperation.

She studied him, every inch of his face, examining his wet eyes as he expresses himself. She takes a deep breath, reaching out to land her hand on one of his, feeling the smooth skin. Her eyes closed at the touch she had lingered for. His touch was warm and soothing. This was what she wanted. Him to love her. But for some reason, it still didn't feel right. It just wasn't enough. Wasn't enough for her to stay.

"Do you love me Harry?" she whispered. Her eyes open to see his own. Tears running down both faces. She took both of his hands sliding them off her. He was silent for what seemed like forever. Harry blinked suddenly as if it caught him off guard but made no motion to disagree. He looked away, not wanting to make eye contact. His jaw clenched, holding back the words he couldn’t say because it just wouldn't come out. He loves her so much, but he was stuck. It was like he couldn't breathe or talk.

He knew he already lost her. He just wishes he could close his eyes and everything would go back to normal. She glanced up to see him looking away from her and let go of his hands, letting them fall beside him. She let out a sharp breath as sobs escape her quivering lips. Taking a step back away from him. He dared to look up, regretting it, his heart lurching painfully when her glossy puffy orbs met his.

He opened his mouth as if he was trying to say the words. Those 8 letters she wanted to hear, and he wanted to tell her. He wanted to show how much he loved her, but couldn’t seem to let his walls down, just to say it. The words he meant and felt towards her, but he felt like god was holding him back from the saying them. He was confused and didn't understand why he said it so perfectly the other night when she was sleep but couldn't say it to her awake.

"I-I need to g-go" she sobbed quickly moving away from him to continue packing. She threw as much clothes as she could into her bag. Harry didn't move as he watched her moving here and there grabbing what she can. It felt like every movement she made was another stab to his heart.

He watched her walk towards their his room door, her bag following close behind her.

This was it. There she was, getting ready to walk out of his life as he glanced at her. The girl he wanted to soon marry and have kids of their own together, but it was too late, as she slowly heads out the room door. With every step she took was like a knife to his chest, knocking the breath out of him. She stops in her tracks, causing Harry to look closely at her hoping and praying she would run right into his arm. But was taken back when the last words left her lips.

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you, enough to make you love me just as much as I love you" she spoke, her tears burning her skin.

"No, don't say that you are everything to me. You are so much more than enough (Y/N). I-I just... just I...." He trailed off, trying to find words to say but only to fall silent. She sighed slightly turning around to glance up at him. His face full of guilt and sadness.

"Good bye Harry" she whispers, turning around to continue to walk her way out the room and down the steps.

Harry stood still in his spot, not moving. It was like the ground slipped away from his feet. The pain he was feeling almost seemed physical. Harry could feel his chest tighten with so much regret and hurt. He flinched as he heard the front door slam shut, that's when he realized she left him. A heart wrenching sound tore from his throat, as he began to let out loud, shuddering sobs. He didn't even attempt to go after her, it was like he didn't have the energy to. A loud scream fell between his lips as he drops to his knees, with his head buried into his hands, crying his poor little heart out.

She's gone, she left. She left him alone just like he made her feel. He made her feel so unloved and uncared for. He deserved what came his way, and he knew it. He just wishes he would have just said the word she wanted to hear.

[simplirme]

THOUGHTS : on failure, depression and defeating the odds through creativity

Failure matters.

Just as vulnerability is helpful in the right doses, so is failure.

Failure is powerful, transformative, enhancing. 

Heck, I would know. I have failed a lot in my life so far. Last year, I applied to 50+ crappy low wage jobs. Every single one rejected me. I went home and cried after each interview, convinced there was something intrinsic wrong with me. How could I ever do creative work if I was considered 'under qualified' to wait tables or serve pizza? 

 I have started 5 blogs. The first failed because I was 13 and had no idea what I was doing. I tried to code my own site and that failed. The second, a few months later, was quite successful (in part because my age made me a novelty.) Then my motivation dwindled and I began posting less and less.  

Around that time, I fell into depression and failed at the simplest things of all. Getting out of bed, having conversations, writing, looking after myself, eating and sleeping all became challenges I could not overcome. I remember feeling genuine pride at having got out of bed and made it downstairs to get a glass of water by 6pm one day.

I failed at these basic life skills with enough consistency to land me in hospital for a year. Wow, I thought as I signed the admission papers, this has got to be the ultimate failure. Well done me. In hospitals, that capacity to not do basic things is taken away. Don't want to get out of bed? Someone will pick you up and drag you out. Don't want to shower? Expect to be picked up and placed under the water. Don't want to eat? Good luck fighting off six trained adults who will force you. And so on and so on.

Treatment for depression in the UK is built on physical force and threats until some sort of survival instinct kicks in. It doesn't always, though. I met many girls - smart, beautiful, wonderful girls- who hadn't spoken or walked or been outside or done anything not forced for years. Some got better. Some are still stuck like that, passed between different hospitals every few years. For a while I kept failing and failing and failing. After a few months, I began to make small wins. A combination of therapy, much needed medication, proper nutrition, sleep and intense friendships with other girls chipped away at the black depression. I remastered the art of doing the basic stuff needed to stay alive.

Then I started writing again. I wrote more than ever before. Every 10 days, I filled a Moleskine notebook. My tiny hospital room filled up with stacks of them, each full of messy handwriting. On bad days, I drew and made collages, turning images into eventual words. It began with drivel, which turned into stories, rants, letters never to be sent, plans. I wrote about the home, family, friends and college which I ached to return to. From the writing came hope, and from the hope came fewer failures. 

A year ago, I turned 18 and the hospital could no longer use force on me. So I left to rejoin the real world, taking with me all I had learned about myself from a year of introspection. I knew I had lost a huge chunk of my teenage years, but I accepted that and was determined not to fall so far again. I went back to college, having worked hard enough to avoid going back a year. I got As in my exams. I spoke to people. I appreciated everything. I got into university and moved out. I kept writing. Then I started this site in March, wanting it to be something I would not allow myself to fail at. 

During that time I had failed a lot, though I was lucky to have somehow remained at the middle of the bell curve. Enough failure to make me push myself harder than ever before. Not enough failure to make me give up and resign myself to a life in hospitals like an invisible strata of society do. I have kept on living.

Picture a graph with that same bell curve. A consistent lack of failure (often due to fame) leads to ivory tower syndrome. We see this in the cases of many an actor, singer, scientist or designer who is lauded for too long. Over time, their self-awareness wanes and their work/lives descend into chaos. That's not the only factor, but it plays a role. The hard work is over, money assured and their creativity becomes a commodity. When the inevitable failure comes, the resources to deal with it have withered away. Insulated cocoons can only last so long. We glamourise the artist gone insane to ignore our collective role in their decline. When we cushion people from failure, it is all too likely to backfire in the long run. 

On the other end of the bell curve is consistent, crushing failure. The kind which forces so many people to give up on their creativity. Maybe the ability (honed through deliberate practice) is not there. Maybe the world isn't ready. The world is often not ready. Or you are not ready for the world. 

It's a scale which varies from person to person. Some quit after one rejection by a publisher, jeer from an audience or critical comment on a post. Some continue to the point of bankruptcy, isolation and ill health. 

Between lies that crucial balance. Enough failure to keep you driven and realistic. Enough success to ensure you maintain the discipline to keep going. 

I have written before about my thoughts on reacting to criticism of your work. In my opinion, not giving a fuck is the wrong way to go. I believe you should care deeply and embrace negative reactions. If you can feel the pain of failure deeply and still continue then that's a good sign. 

Alexis Ohanian wrote 'you are a rounding error' on the wall of his office after an executive said they only met with him about his site due to a traffic rounding error. If you have been living under a rock, that little site (Reddit) is now one of the largest on the internet. 

Stephen King hung each rejection letter he received from a publisher on a nail in his study. When the nail got too full, he got a larger one and kept writing. Again, if you have been living under a rock, he has since sold over 350 million books. 

Seth Godin said that he regards his mistakes and failures as prized possessions.

I'm sure you have heard countless stories like that, so I won't list more. But when we hear stories like that, we tend to focus on what came afterwards. The success, fame, extraordinary talent. Those people must have been to begin with. Their failures were just the mistakes of other people who did not recognise that, right?  

Wrong. Talent is not innate- plenty of research has shown that. Certain physical characteristics can help or hinder in different areas. Beyond that, it comes down to persistence and deliberate practice. That is what we develop through failure.

To cap off this mammoth post, here are some of my mental models for handling failure. 

1 - Imagine it as a training montage. You know those scenes in countless films where we see the hero go from hapless loser to cool superhero? My favorite is from Mulan. After much struggle and practice, she climbs a tall pole and impresses everyone. I like to picture myself in one of those whenever I suck at something. I imagine a time lapse of me writing at my desk, culminating in me publishing my first book. With a lot of scrunching up paper and swearing. It is a powerful visualisation. I also use this when revising for exams or exercising. Mulan falling off the pole was the necessary initial step towards her climbing it. If she can do that, I can finish this essay and reach the stretch goals I am working towards. The basic stuff (like, you know, getting out of bed) doesn't even make it into Mulan's training montage, so it shouldn't be part of mine. 

2 - Expose myself to it until it looses it's meaning. I was VERY unpopular at school. Unpopular enough to have chairs thrown at me, my work torn up and my books spat on. My means of handling it was to record insults and snide comments. I would then reread them again and again. Before long, those words lost their capacity to hurt me. I reclaimed control over my my responses.  In the words of Scroobius Pip, in the end they are just words, you give them power when you cower. Failure is just a word. It is something subjective. Are the failures I have mentioned here really that? Who knows. It's up to me (and you) to decide. 

3 - Eradicate all traces of it and move on. This was the advice my older brother gave me once and it has stuck with ever since. Sometimes I don't want to accept or rework. Sometimes I just need to forget and move on. In the words of Rev. William L. Swig, 'Fail early and get it all over with. You learn to breathe again when you embrace failure as a part of life, not as the determining moment of life.' Failure doesn't always mean anywhere near as much as we imagine. 

4 - Read about the failures of people I admire. As long as you avoid the aforementioned risks of this, it is very helpful. Try reading Just Kids by Patti Smith - the story of the life she and Robert Mapplethorpe lead before they became cultural icons. Or read On Writing by Stephen King, which details his complex path to getting published after many nails full of rejection slips. If that still doesn't work, then try Seneca's letter to his mother about exile. Or, try listening to any talk by Tony Robbins (this one is good in particular.) That holy group  of inspiring people always shake me out of worrying about failure. Also, listening to Conor Oberst for pretty much every waking hour keeps me sane. 

5 - Focus on maintaining a growth mindset. Here is a wonderful extract from the first thing I ever wrote- archived by my mother:  'my dog blak prins is a majic dog who eats majic food which he liks so much that he gobuls it up and smils.' My five year old self did not win any awards for that gem. That is doubtless a good thing as I am sure some people would have found a dog called Black Prince problematic. I digress. My writing has come a long way since then. The hundreds of blog posts which no one ever read, the rejected applications for writing roles, the ignored submissions, the burnt notebooks, the deleted Word documents, the scrapped drafts, the ideas which never even made it onto a page - they all contributed to where I am now. Along the way I have learned how to hone my work and write stuff which people like to read. Some people. Some of the time. I still experience the same failures on a daily basis, except the wins are there too. That is what a growth mindset is all about. 

(S)he who dares, might fail. (S)he who fails, also wins sooner or later. 

I have been writing this for the last 7 hours and it is time to stop now. This might be the most personal post I have written and one of the longest. If you have read it all, well done. Let me know what you think in the comments or drop me an email. Feel free to share this post with anyone who might find it helpful. 

// Rosie

P.S. As you may have heard, I launched a Patreon page for this site yesterday. If you enjoy my work, please take a quick look at it. 

.. via simplir.me