#return of the insomnia
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on your side / wolffe x fem!jedi!reader
for @ireadwithmyears <3
summary: having to distance yourself from wolffe after a slip up is a lot harder than you thought it would be
tags/warnings: 18+ for suggestive stuff, angst! with a happy(ish?) ending, forbidden relationship, love confessions, kinda idiots in love, wolffe is down bad and not sorry about it, reader is lowkey delirious and v emotional bc of lack of sleep, allusions to sex but otherwise sfw
song: on your side â the last dinner party
prompts: #21 "when's the last time you actually slept?", #9 "come lie with me, let me hold you."
a/n: okay it's official, wolffe is my fav clone to write for. um, idk if anyone else has ever been so exhausted but not able to fall asleep to the point where youâre literally distraught? I hope this is not a unique experience otherwise this fic makes no sense lol
event masterlist / star wars masterlist / join my taglist / wc: 3.1k
requests are closed, dialogue prompt is in bold :)
You messed up. Big time.
The memory of your misdeeds still replayed in your mind, days, weeks later. Your mind lingered on how his rough hands felt against your skin, how his breath mingled with yours, bodies melding together. His words haunted you, adulations whispered in a tone youâd never heard, sentiments you wouldnât soon forget, no matter how you tried to.
Wolffe had invaded your brain even before you'd fallen into bed with him, but now it was inescapable.
You'd known it was a mistake as it was happening, that stepping over the line would do something irreversible, something you couldn't follow up on. The guilt of doing that to Wolffe, of letting him believe it was something that could be, was eating you alive. If you didn't feel so strongly for him then all of this would be so much easier, and could be written off as a simple blunder â but nothing about this was simple.
Wolffe had been shipped into an active warzone only hours later, and though worry pulled at your heart more than ever, you couldn't help but be partly relieved. When heâd returned, you felt even more conflicted.
He had caught your eyes from across the hangar, something distinctly timid and unlike him in the way he looked at you, and you had to tear your gaze away and leave the space. You couldnât be anywhere near him. It hurt too much. You knew heâd noticed that you were avoiding him, it would be impossible given how close you were before everything had transpired, but he obviously had the restraint not to mention it.
Sleep was eluding you because of it. Pulling away from Wolffe felt like a physical pain, like the connection you had unwittingly created through the force was being sawed at, and you could feel every ridge of the knife as it cut. If anything, it was proof that you had become too close, that your connection ran too deep.
Now, duty demanded you be in the same room as him, and it was every bit as excruciating as you had expected. You were stood beside him in the command centre, and while your eyes were plastered to Plo Koon, all of your attention was taken by Wolffe.
You could feel the heavy weight of his gaze on you as you spoke, almost feel his breath against your cheek, the warmth of his body beside you. His presence was intoxicating, and even when you closed your eyes you werenât free of it. His unique presence in the force reached out for you, and while you knew he wasnât doing it intentionally, you wished he would stop. The familiar feeling made it so much harder not to fall into his arms and forget everything that held you back; a warm blanket, a comforting steadiness, deep red in colour, like the very last sight of the sun against the horizon.
You escaped as soon as you could, scampering from the command room at the first opportunity, but it seemed that Wolffe was done with the silent treatment. He grabbed your arm as you made it out into the corridor, dragging you into a quieter corner of the ship, a hall that ran to a dead end. His gaze was serious when you finally met it with your own, and it turned your stomach. You didnât know if he was angry or hurt, nothing was given away in his demeanour.
Finally he spoke in a low voice, âare you alright?â
You blinked up at him, wondering how he could be so concerned by you at this moment. His hand still gripped your arm gently, his eyes darting between yours, brows furrowed. He took in your features like heâd never seen you before, and the scrutiny made your gaze drop.
âIâm fineâ you murmured, trying to keep your voice even.
âYou werenât in your room last nightâ
Your eyes raised back to him as your heart skipped a beat, âhow do you know that?â
âI went to see youâ he confessed, never wavering in his serious gaze.
âWolffeâŚâ you sighed, looking up at him with a pained expression, âyou shouldnât have done thatâ
He huffed, stepping into your space, âwhy not?â
You exhaled slowly, âyou know whyâ
Something in him stiffened, and he took his hand away from you, âwhat were you doing?â
âI just⌠I couldnât sleepâ you admitted, running a hand over your face.
âWhy not?â
You sighed at his persistence, âit doesnât matterâ
âIt matters to meâ he muttered, his eyes flashing with hurt. He tentatively brought his hand up to your cheek, running his thumb under your eye. You knew you must look exhausted, and closed your eyes to let the feeling calm you. âWhen's the last time you actually slept?â
âI donât knowâ you spoke quietly, almost ashamedly. Your eyes fluttered open to see the stern look he was giving you.
âSaradâikaâ he whispered the name he called you in only the most quiet of moments, drawing closer so his forehead almost touched yours. âIf you wonâtâŚâ he sighed, âif you wonât let me take care of you then you need to take care of yourselfâ
Your heart seized up in your chest. âIââ you didn't know what to say, everything was running through your mind but it was all getting caught in your throat.
Your stuttering was interrupted by the sound footsteps reverberating off of the walls of the otherwise empty hall. Wolffe backed away from you, though he still started at you intently, even as someone walked between the two of you. Unlike him, it snapped you out of it.
âIâ I uh⌠I'm going to my quarters nowâ you mumbled out, tongue tripping over your words.
You turned quickly, stalking down the hall in wide strides and not daring to look back.
It was the middle of the night and still, sleep wouldnât take you. The frustration was getting on top of you again, and you paced back and forth in the small space of the ship that was yours. Hot tears sprang to your eyes, wetting your cheeks, and your hands gripped at your hair as if it would alleviate the tension in your head. You had been silently crying long enough that your head had begun to ache, and you silently begged to gods you didnât believe in to let you sleep, to shut your mind of for just a few minutes so you might finally slip into unconsciousness.
It had been coming to this every night, where you felt as if you were being driven insane because sleep eluded you.
With a small sob, you darted for the door. A distraction, thatâs what you needed now. You might wander the halls of the ship as you had in previous nights, or hole up in a cupboard somewhere so you could cry until all your tears were spent. You grabbed your robe as you went, clutching the thick material in a tight fist, but as the door zipped open you almost collided with something, someone.
Wolffe stood tall in the doorway, his hand raised as if he were about to knock. He took in your distressed state, eyes widening at the recognition of tears staining your face, and he reached out to you on instinct, taking ahold of your arms.
âHey, itâs okay. Youâre okayâ he immediately began to soothe you in a voice that was too soft for him. It only made your breathing more unstable, and you choked on your sobs. Wolffe backed you into the dark room and closed the door behind him, âwhatâs going on?â
The confusion â the worry â it was so plain in his eyes. It made you feel sick to your stomach. You dropped your robe to the floor.
âI justââ your words were halted by your own sob, and you hid your face in your palms, âIâm so tired, Wolffeâ
His hands wrapped around your wrists, his skin warm against yours, and he peeled your hands away from your face. He snaked his arms around your waist without another word, offering the relief you would never ask for but so desperately needed. You took it unashamedly, burying your face in his chest, letting yourself relish in the comfort of his touch. As your weeping continued, he held you tightly, one hand on the back of your head to stroke your hair as he whispered comforting words.
The exhaustion had clearly got to you. There was simply no other reason for this display of raw emotion.
As your breathing calmed, the storm in your mind subsiding to a grey fog, Wolffeâs grip loosened. He pulled back and took your face in his hand, and you couldnât help but lean into its warmth just a little.
âNow,â he spoke quietly, âare you going to tell me why you canât sleep?â
You sighed deeply as you averted your gaze, âdo I have to?â
âNoâ he replied, âbut it could helpâ
Your eyes creeped across his handsome features, taking in every mark, every freckle. You couldnât burden him with everything that clouded your mind, you wouldnât place another weight upon his shoulders when the war already saw him stretched so thin.
You shook your head, releasing yourself from his grasp and turning away, âit wonât help, itâll only make things worseâ
âStop shutting me outâ Wolffeâs voice was stern as he spoke up, and you looked up to find his brow furrowed deeply, the hurt evident in his eyes and the downturn of his lips.
âI have toâ you said quietly, almost a whisper.
âNo you donâtâ Wolffe huffed, moving to crowd you against the table behind you, âI donât understand why youâve been acting like this, why you wonât look at me all of a sudden. I thoughtââ
He stopped himself. In all honesty, you hadnât been thinking an awful lot about what Wolffe may be thinking about what had transpired, and as much as you knew you should bury the whole incident, move on and forget, a part of you needed to know. What he thought, what he was thinking now, what he felt. You shouldnât ask, but you couldnât stop yourself.
âThought what?â
You could see that he regretted letting the words slip. âI thought things would beâŚâ he trailed off for a moment, searching your eyes with a hint of desperation, âI donât know, I just thought itâd be different from this, afterââ
His teeth ground together. A quiet curse escaped him as he hung his head in defeat. He knew as well as you that this conversation would only breed more unease. You swallowed, taking a moment to centre yourself.
âWe canât be like thatâ you muttered.
You knew it was cruel, that he didnât deserve to hear it put so bluntly, nor did he deserve what had already happened. You had been cruel, consistently, in entertaining this idea of the two of you, and even crueller in making him believe it could be. That was why this was necessary. It couldnât go on.
He was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke, it was uncharacteristically timid, his words almost shy.
âWould it be so bad?â he asked.
âYes! Well, no itâ but we canât, I meanâ I donât know!â you could feel your breath becoming short again, and Wolffe placed his hands on your shoulders.
âHey, breatheâ he spoke softly.
You didnât deserve him, that was clear to you now. He was too gentle, too good to you when you didnât deserve it. Your breath steadied under his touch, and you couldnât face pushing him off this time.
âThis is whatâs got you worked up?â he asked, and you nodded in reply. His face softened, and he raised a hand to your cheek. âNer cyareâ he whispered, âplease donât trouble yourself over meâ
âI canât help it Wolffe, Iââ
I love you
You could so easily say it, and you would mean it, but putting it out into the world would go beyond crossing the line.
âIâm sorry, that Iâve been pulling away, but I canâtâ I canât do thisâ you insisted, gesturing vaguely between the two of you, unable to name exactly what it was.
âWhy not?â
It was a simple question, but the answer was far more complicated. Wolffe gave you nothing but patience as he waited for the reply. His gaze was soft, as soft as it got with him at least, though any amount of tenderness that could be drawn from the man would be considered a feat. It was part of the reason that you struggled to answer him. It was simply too distracting, witnessing the depth of his feelings for you first hand.
When the two of you had slipped up, spent the night with limbs entangled in the cot just a few short steps from you now, it had somehow not occurred to you that Wolffe was in just as deep as you. He had shown his admiration in more ways than one; whispers against your lips and skin, tender touches and a sense of care in every endeavour. In the throws of pleasure it hadnât registered as anything but that â seeking pleasure.
Now you werenât sure.
âBecauseâŚâ you began, barely uttering the word.
There were reasonings you could use, but none would present themselves as you looked into his eyes and were confronted with the depth of your own feelings.
âBecauseâŚ?â he prompted, and you couldnât help but sigh.
âBecause nothingâ you frowned, âbecause Iâm a fool, and because you donât deserve the only kind of relationship I could give youâ
Wolffe matched your frown, âwhatâs that supposed to mean?â
âThink about it Wolffe, Iâm⌠Iâm a Jedi, right? You know what that means?â
He pressed his lips to a hard line, unimpressed at the reminder âI know what it meansâ
You exhaled shakily, and a sadness washed over you, âI couldnât⌠I could only be yours in private, I wouldnât be able to touch you in front of others, to hold your hand or even smile at you for too long. I wouldnât be able to show the galaxy how much I love you, and that hurts meâ
A second passed, and you realised what had been said.
It was as if an airlock had been opened, and all the air sucked from the room. The both of you stood perfectly still, staring at each other with widened eyes. You had crossed the line. It was all hypothetical up until now. But now, it was real. Neither of you moved, or breathed, until Wolffe let a quick and heavy exhale slip, as if in disbelief.
âLove?â
You swallowed thickly.
âIââ you bit the inside of your cheek as your cheeks burned hot, âI didnât mean to⌠tell you like thisâ
âIs it true?â he asked, deadly serious. His eyes searched yours, for what you didnât know, but you knew the answer was already obvious in the way you dropped your gaze guiltily, as if the very act of falling in love were wrong.
âYesâ the whisper had barely left you when Wolffe surged forwards and met your lips with his.
He was warm, inviting, eager. He kissed you like a man starved, as if heâd been waiting a lifetime for this moment, and you let yourself give in. You kissed him back more insistently, and let his tongue pass the seam of your lips as he begged for entrance. His arms wrapped around you, holding you to him tightly, as if he was scared you might slip from beneath his fingertips. This feeling was becoming too known to you, too comfortable. It felt too right.
He pulled away, placing his forehead on yours with intention, âI love you, ner saradâikaâ
Your breath was knocked from you upon hearing the words, and you couldnât help the way your mouth stretched into a tentative grin. You advanced forwards and pressed a more chaste kiss to his lips, and felt him smile back against you. Something about it set your heart fluttering more than anything before. Wolffe still held you, a hand flat against your back to keep you close, where the other held your jaw.
He ran his thumb over your bottom lip as he regarded you, speaking softly, âyou have such a pretty smileâ
A heat crept up your neck even now, after everything that had happened. Though soon, it began to transform in its meaning. Your smile faded, tears collecting in your waterline once more, and the heat burned at your collar uncomfortably. You didnât cry as you had before, but the tears fell freely all the same.
Wolffe sighed, wiping them away with a disapproving shake of his head, âI said not to trouble yourself over meâ
Your lips twisted with doubt, âyou deserve so much more than this, Wolffeâ
âItâs not about what I deserveâ he reasoned, âitâs what I wantâ
âBut I canât give you anythingâ
âI donât need anythingâ
You deflated with a huff, âitâs a lot more complicated than youâre making it out to beâ
âI disagreeâ he mused, pressing a kiss to each cheek to collect the remnants of your tears, âI love you, and for maker knows why, you love me. I think that is all thatâs importantâ
You pressed your lips together to stop them from shaking as you felt yourself welling up again, but Wolffe was all too quick to swoop in.
âWeâll figure it outâ he promised, âtogetherâ
Looking up at him through teary eyes, you found your lips twitching upwards, âtogetherâ
The word was a comfort. Neither of you would have to navigate the struggle in isolation, you would support each other.
Wolffe nodded against you, and took your hands in his. You only realised now how they were shaking, and he pressed his forehead into yours with more purpose, peering deeply into your eyes as if he were looking upon your very soul.
âCome lie with me, let me hold youâ
Your brow pinched, and you nodded your head in reply. He tugged you over to your cot gently and laid you down in the soft sheets, then stripped himself of his armour to lay beside you.
No more words were exchanged that night, for everything had already been said. His body was warm against yours, and though it didnât magically lull you to sleep immediately, it was an undeniable comfort. Wolffe fell into unconsciousness before you did, his arms still wrapped tightly around you. Watching him rest calmed your mind. It gave you faith that any hardship the two of you faced going forward would be worth it. He was worth it.
taglist: @darthnihila @cdblake1565 @heidnspeak @burningnerdchild @orangez3st @clones-cyare @stellarbit @liopleurodean @asgre
#hello clone nation i hath returned#trexâs 200 follower celebration#trex writings#star wars#the clone wars#tcw#clones#star wars clones#clone troopers#clone x reader#wolffe x reader#commander wolffe#tcw wolffe#commander wolffe x reader#clone commander wolffe#dividers by saradika#writing this made me realise maybe I just have insomnia lmao
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What a fuckign health week lol
Hoping praying manifesting there's no cases today so that i dont have to on the AC in the clinic
#infected tooth tenderness#dental/medical paranoia#a full blown anxiety attack for 3 days straight (including breakinf doen in front of dad lol/sarcastic)#fever and dizzyness and fatigue both general and from fever#return of the insomnia#and now. allergic asthma attack.#beautiful. /s#selfrant#mom reaches back on sat and im gonna get cooked probably into one more anxiety attack then too since i havent fully recovered from the prev#- oneâ ive just been too tired to keep that 'brain-tab' open/read#oh. and dont forget the sensory issues and absolute brain slow all of this has caused. :)#screaming into the void#i need to angry-vent a bit while i have the brainpower lmao
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me: look at all these prompts to choose from, I have so many things to work on, I should make prompts my priority because these wonderful people are waiting on me
my depression brain, returning with a vengeance: comfort fic or nothing. take it or leave it.
#august rambles#anyways apparently im starting on the back tickles series i mentioned in the reply/tags to that one headcanon submission lol#hello welcome to late night oversharing on the internet#good and happy weekend means big crash monday so the depression has returned with a vengeance#i have been lying in bed unmoving for the past like 2 hrs but with the depression the insomnia grows worse so sleep aint happening lol#guys i would Love to be Normal sdijfhf#also now that the novelty has worn off i think my adhd meds are Not a high enough dosage which is kinda what i expected ksdjfhkjdsfh
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Having a smoke as I canât sleep. Hereâs some pictures.
I was inspired by o brother where art thou and River of no return.





#dark feminine energy#divine feminine#insomnia posting#aesthetic#pin up girl#siren aesthetic#sirencore#siren#fairy aesthetic#fairycore#o brother where art thou#the odyssey#the illiad#pinup#pinup art#pin ups#pin up model#pin up#pin up photography#alt pinup#delicious curves#curvy and cute#curvy chicks#curvy body#marilyn monroe#river of no return#edadelrio#cottagecore#cottage aesthetic#cottage core
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After more than 10 years of struggling with insomnia, I finally decided to ask the doctor for real medicine.
It doesn't work. I fall asleep HOURS after taking it (it's supposed to be 15-30 minutes).
When I do fall asleep, I sleep for 10-11 hours, which, added to my 'trying to fall asleep for half the night' time, gives me less than ten hours of waking time. A whole day wasted.
When I wake up, my brain is ultra foggy for the whole day. Again, a whole day wasted.
I'm this đ¤close to drinking coffee right before going to sleep as, for an unknown reason, it makes me sleepy.
#insomnia is worse in summer because seeing the sun rise makes me even more anxious and angry i'm not sleeping#help#also why does coffee makes me sleepy??#the only times it doesn't make me sleepy is when i don't drink any for months and my body isn't use to it anymore#it makes me jittering and shaking for a few minutes but it only works once because i get used to it again and return to sleepy state#to delete
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I've connected the dots. I've connected them:
1) Jar Innards were attempts at creating a 'Saint', made out of multiple victims (mostly fellow Hornsent but at some point Shamans too)
2) Jar Innards have a glowing golden string inside
3) Divine Gate is made of multiple people too, maybe even willing sacrifices for all we know! In the trailer it was shown to be very... lively and organic lol. As opposed to the petrified state we found it at.
4) Marika pulls golden strings from a literal pussy in Divine Gate, which is "affair from which gold arose, and so, too, shadow was born" (refers to following creation of Erdtree and Scadutree)
5) Miquella, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have created anything, nor seduce anyone except for his half-brother lololololol, he simply entered the Divine Gate after having severed ties with his body and personality and it already made him a God. So, what Marika did with the strings was not required to become a God, but her own volition ("seduction and betrayal").
6) Extracting the golden string from it also presumably what "killed" it; it didn't lose its God-promoting quality, but it did petrify. Maybe she stole lifeform-creating feature of it in general with it.
7) She most likely didn't auto-own Elden Ring upon ascension. I mean, Miquella doesn't either. It was, however, owned by Ancient Dragons until Lord of Placidusax "was fled"! Considering that he "awaited his return outside of time" in which he was already wounded, it more likely refers to consequences of battle with Bayle than not!
8) Two Fingers were guiding Marika from the start, they are even featured in talismans depicting birth of the Erdtree from a seed form! Two Fingers ALSO will have a mental breakdown if there is no set 'Order' for five minutes. They don't care what laws of nature are or who establishes them, as long as things don't descent into primordial chaos (aka Elden Ring must not stay broken or otherwise vacant no matter what)
9) Rune of Death was plucked from Golden Order upon its creation, and is found guarded by Maliketh in the place which looks like this:

So, most likely, this is the location in which Elden Ring was placed, before Marika took it inside of her, EXCEPT for Death!
10) Death was owned by Gloam-Eyed Queen until Maliketh defeated her
11) This statue must depict someone who should have been well-liked by either Ancient Dragons or their OG followers (became Banished Knights)
12) It depicts a woman with Shadowbeast, a brand of Empyrean (although hers is unusual as three headed), and GEQ was an Empyrean chosen by Two Fingers
Okay so

After Bayle wounded Placidusax and God knows what else he caused, consequences were that Ancient Dragons no longer could keep Elden Ring, so it remained vacant. It would be nearly as bad as Shattering for the Two Fingers who need a concrete person to shape the laws of nature, nor Greater Will would like the state of primordial chaos! So, they called upon those they've chosen as Empyreans - much like thousands of years later they'd call upon Tarnisheds, and Marika was the most promising one + the one to succeed!
Perhaps this statue IS GEQ, after all! And she didn't really betray Ancients Dragons of course, they were in disarray and could not own Elden Ring anymore after having lost it! Things once broken... etc. But, she allied Marika as second fiddle in her wish to create controlled era glistening with life, rather than letting Death occur the way it used to! Certainly cut the influence of Deathbirds, for one!
I am not sure yet why that allyship went sour! Since GEQ was literal God-Slayer, but Marika killed Fell God herself, I questioned whether fall-out happened before War with the Giants! @val-of-the-north said maybe GEQ refused to kill that guy in particular, because his fire is the one and only threat to the Erdtree but GEQ never thought Marika wanted to actually live forever? Like, she assumed that when the time comes, she or them both would pass the mantle to the next cycle. All things must die someday. I really like this idea! (Also adds the weight to Messmer and Melina being born siblings and allies in being curse upon Marika that I never knew I needed lol)
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Damn, Ymir might blame Metyr and Marika for disarray of the world, but at this rate Greyoll might just hold Bayle's beer hgjhjggh Curse Bayle, indeed. On the other hand, I am a believer that fate can't be outrun and even if one tyrant never existed, another would've taken their place, so...
#elden ring#elden ring theory#marika the eternal#gloam eyed queen#good lord he is still waking up at 3 AM to think about elden ring lore...#hghghgnfh yeah sorry guys I developed bad insomnia in my sick break#can't wait to return to work so absurd over exhaustion can fix me up xD
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good friday should not exist. how do we know Jesus wasn't killed on a saturday
#mine#this is not about theology this is about my doctor's office being closed#I can't refill my birth control prescription today and I've been out for a week đ#I thought I'd be fine but NOPE without the extra hormonal boost my period insomnia returns#I haven't had a full night's sleep in three days I'm so fucking cranky#lem has a body
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Whatever. Go my scrunkle.
#cloud doodles#Eileit Amaran#posts this at past midnight and goes to bed (hopefully. please not a return to insomnia)#itâs funny drawing Eileit with their hair up.#gay ass little bun.
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hoping and praying that they do a med review for me this week and i can actually sleep for more than four hours again it's been two weeks i am actively perishing.
#i am trying so hard to still keep up with my classes while#also suffering#i went to the mental health crisis centre yesterday bc my dissociation which is pretty common had#turned into something very disorienting and a little concerning and they basically said#get your meds reviewed on thursday !#and after my last doctor told me you're on too many meds you should just do mental health exercises to sleep#when ive explained to them that since the end of 2023 i have needed meds to sleep#or ill just go days without sleep until i cannot function anymore#it's so hard not being able to sleep like a NORMAL person#but if im slow with writing or less enthusiastic with chatting it's just because my spoons have gone#i have negative a million spoons#so im just quietly playing twst or watching docs#TRYING to not fall behind to the point of no return in my classes#ooc.#its hard man i really do empathize with people who have insomnia it impacts your life so much#i hope my mutuals are doing well hang in there <3
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Thinking about Krok and his og squad again...
#mostly thinking about radar....#listened to mitski's ''a pearl'' one too many times while zoing out. and yeah... that goddamn finger man.....#(my scav inspired playlist is incomprehensible at this point. rip)#but like. thinking about all that led to another odd thought nugget about krok. his og squad. and the scavs#i think ive rambled about the concept of krok projecting his old squad onto the scavs before a bit. but i didnt think too deeply about it#but considering comparisons. and squad ''roles''. it struck me that radar was most likely the ''tech'' guy. krok's tech guy#and radar was possibly (or at least implied to be) who krok was closest too. (outside of his pet ofc :(...)#so that role. that space. that empty space. is important to him. greatly so#and until they found fulcrum. no one exactly fit that space. fit that role. krok was still searching for his squad#but now fulcrum is there. filling that empty meaningful space. playing that role. but its not the same. its too different#smth smth. another idea as to why krok holds a particular grudge with fulcrum for no obvious reason#because he wants radar back. but hes gone. and fulcrums there now. but hes not radar. kroks still mourning. and fulcrum just isnt radar#not that hes actively choosing to project radar onto fulcrum. but subconsciously hes trying to fill that space. and its not the same#hence the bitterness. a sorta uncertain discomfort about fulcrums presence and attempts at getting closer that disturbs the hole radar left#maybe im thinking too hars about these teeny tiny details. but theres so much underlying themes of grief in mtmte. esp with the LL crew#so?? like?? idk. it makes sense that itd be there with the scavs too?? or smth like it??#its probably way super obvious ive frequently thought too hard about the scavs and their grief by now#and not just like. grief in only the mourning death sense. but just loss in general. loss of purpose. loss of meaning. loss of stability#the way in which decepticon are made up of ''rejects''. but the scavs are the rejects of the rejects...#i could go on about how they each prob experienced alienation from their own. but i need to go back to sleep lol#the sleepiness has finally returned since i woke up a bit ago. so. not wasting the opportunity#but rq. thankss insomnia for making me associate krok with mitski songs again. thats very joyful and happy. ill sleep tear free.. totally...#also also. the posts and art and sthffs aboht radar and krok back whenever... so glad radar is fine and safe and happy and aliveđĽ˛đ#ok. jokes done. goodnight and goodmorning. bcs its like. 7am... oof
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i am so sad at times because of the fact that almost everything i do, i do extremely slowly. one of the reasons why i couldn't keep up with an art school. and, like, i would finish the task and do it well, but i need so much time to get there. which seems like a horrible trait to have in the modern world
#'at least you have x skill!' well and within several years ai would do the same job cheaper and more effecient#idk i am so terrified bc of that. never imagined the dystopia where for instance creative professionals for the most part have to work as#cassiers bc a machine would take them out of jobs#idk. i have insomnia and am just mopping around. i know that i need to snap out of it of whatever it is that i have esp regarding work that#i do but i just cant. and i also realise that i don't have a space to just let it be bc i don't even have a home to return to at this point#going to delete in the morning <3#for a short period of time in between different stages of the war and covid i had a simple office job back in my hometown. it was so lovely#i worked at an archive and everyone was slow. and after work i went for groceries and were able to return back to my own home#and none of this exists anymore âšď¸
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Got a new mattress and we slept for like 14 hrs and my eyes feel cemented shut
I forgot what this felt like
#maybe the mattress was the cause of fhe return of my really really bad insomnia ..all along#ellington.txt
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Decaf
Length-Medium
Ship-Ignis Scientia
Owen stumbled into the lounge of the hotel they were staying in, his legs barely functioning. Even if his mind had been awake for hours, his body had yet to catch up. Despite barely being able to hold him the aching restlessness in his calves and tingling in his toes refused to relent.
Making his way to one of the recliners that sat in the middle of the lounge he collapsed, placing his palm on his face and exhaling with exhaustion. "Couldn't sleep?" He jumped slightly at the voice, sitting up and turning to find Ignis standing at the mini kitchenette wearing his underclothes. Seeing him in boxers and a tank top outside of the bed was jarring, though still wearing his glasses he retained a modicum of his usual refined appearance. Even so, the sight alone of him already made Owen feel more relaxed.
As he lay back in the recliner he made a noise in affirmation. "Yeah, RLS. How about you?" The sound of boiling water brought a rich aroma to his attention. "More of a restless mind. Coffee?" Ignis offered, already pouring a mug for him. "Won't that just wake me up?" Owen asked, accepting the offered mug regardless. "Not if you know how to brew it." Ignis was pouring his own cup now. Awake or asleep, as long as he was either one or the other would be better than being halfway between each.
By the time Owen had added a packet of creamer from the bowl on the table to his coffee Ignis' glasses were already fogged up, and as he lifted the steaming mug to his lips he took a sip. He nearly spat out the boiling liquid at how bitter it was. "Augh...This tastes terrible." It was nothing like the smooth, balanced flavor that he'd come to associate with Ebony. He instinctively started to reach for the sugar before Ignis spoke up. "Now now, sugar won't get anything done this early. Or this late, rather, depending on how you look at it." Owen grimaced, looking back down at the brown liquid and deciding to forego the sugar.
Ignis took another sip off his coffee, hardly reacting to the excessive bitterness. "And I well imagine it should: It's decaf." His gaze shifted to Ignis leaning on the counter as he opted to simply add more creamer. "I didn't know you even had the stuff." Ignis swirled his mug, looking into the black fluid. "Yes, I find it's quite useful to have on hand for nights like this." Owen hunched over, looking back at his now pale brown drink before taking a sip. Bearable. "So...What's got your mind racing? Is everything okay?" He turned his head to see Ignis facing the wall. "Nothing really to be concerned with. Truth be told it's nothing more troubling than needing to restock on a few spices at the next chance." Ignis raised his mug again before seemingly changing him mind, lowering it without taking a sip. "No, everything is just fine. Simply thoughts that won't settle for the night."
Owen pushed himself from the recliner, standing and walking to Ignis' side where he leaned against the counter beside him. "Ever thoughtful." Owen observed, setting his right hand on the counter between them. "Almost to a flaw." Ignis mused, moving his left hand down to accept the silent offering. As he rested his hand on Owen's his fingers slid between his partner's. Owen took a moment to appreciate the unhindered contact as he lifted his fingers, tightening them against Ignis'.
The two stayed together in silence, enjoying one another's present in the night while the both of them being too tired to do much else. After several minutes Owen yawned, the fatigue having shifted back into sleepiness. As he realized that his legs were hurting less Ingis spoke up. "Looks to me as if the coffee is working as intended." Owen took one more sip, the drink having grown a bit more tolerable. Just a bit. "Looks like it." He moved from the counter to dump the remaining liquid in the nearby sink, rinsing the black ring from the cup. "Not entirely useless having decaf around. I say I'm feeling more at ease myself," Ignis said, moving from the counter. Stepping aside Owen gave him room to clean his own cup.
As he set it to the side to dry Owen moved towards him, placing his chest against his back and resting his chin on his shoulder. "What say we try to get a bit more shut eye. We might have more luck if we spend the rest of the night together~" With a chuckle Ignis turned his head, and as he craned his neck Owen leaned closer, moving in so they could press their lips together. The contact sent a tingle through his body that made him forget all about the pinpricks in his feet, and after letting it linger for a moment Ignis pulled back, his breath rolling against Owens lips in passing. "If not, I'm sure we could find some way to occupy ourselves." The offer made Owen smile, and as he gave him one more quick peck he took a step backwards, letting Ignis turn around. "I'm sure we could."
The two of them were fast asleep within minutes of wrapping their arms around one another.
#the insomnia returns but i refuse to not get some small victory#âwhy weren't they already sleeping togetherâ they're still getting to the 'share a room' stage. fluff logic; leave me alone#kiss your eyes and kiss your palms#<-new ship tag just dropped#selfship#Owen's drabbles
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i wish i were napping rn âźď¸
#but alas. work#just when i thought my sleep schedule was slightly improvingâŚâŚ insomnia returns#gr8 content for my drâs appt tomorrow#jewish for leah
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listen outside of about two hours I've been up since 7 am yesterday so i took a sleeping pill and tomorrow i will, hopefully, have at least one more tommy romcom ending word salad to post
#I just know the return of my stress induced insomnia directly correlates to the reelection of orange voldemort#so much for staying off those anxiety meds lol. lmao even.
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Vil đ¤ Azul đ¤ Kalim
Sending bae out on snack runs at ungodly hours
#âŽâ ( .ooc. );#//Az just gets random cravings and would ask them for the lil favor#//Offering great compensation of course; anything (reasonable lmao) they ask in the moment#//V itâs both random cravings AND the fact that he gets peckish after intimacy#//Likewise offers his partner anything they want from him (and w MUCH less restrictions too) in return#//Prolly tells them smth like âBring it here in x time; every minute over is one article of clothing I put back onâ unprompted lmao#//Every minute UNDER that thoâŚlmao heâd let them decide what that entails jfjfj#suggestive#//WHOOPS lmao#//Rid.dle is another whoâd ask for late snack; but heâs so caught up in rules that his partner would actively have to tell him itâs okay to#//THEN after a while he makes his requests for little sweet treats while he studies or shit like milk w honey bc insomnia#//Kae is similar; he CAN be sb who sends his partner out for foods#//But in his case; heâs just embarrassed to do so and be spoiled by them#//Bro would also take a page out of Vâs book if he knows his partner is into that lmao#hc; vil#hc; azul#hc; riddle#hc; kaeya#hc; kalim#//Theres no extra for Kali; lmao#//Its just a given for him fjfn; except heâd wanna tag along to get late night snacks too
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