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nitw · 4 years ago

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Can you explain what you mean with misinterpreting Chara? I've always been confused about that character and you seem to have a pretty solid read you alluded to in that post about Snowgrave.

of course!!! as your local chara defender since the ripe age of 13 i hope you don't mind me doing a small essay on this. please bear with me tho because i sometimes can't articulate my thoughts well on stories that deal with philosophical themes ;;

UHHH SPOILERS FOR UNDERTALE AND DELTARUNE CHAPTER 2 BELOW

first let me make a few things clear so i don't have to repeat myself a bunch:

only tobias radiation fox himself has The Word of God privilege when it comes to things that haven't been explicitly confirmed in the games yet, EVEN if they're strongly hinted at. don't take anything i say about the plot as more than firm personal interpretation based on the info we have right now!

i cannot stress this one enough: undertale is a game that was never meant to be experienced from a singular perspective/mindset. the genocide route doesn't JUST exist for the sake of "enjoy your personalized edgy fuck-you run for being a serial killer in a video game", every one of the total 93 endings (look it up) in this game exists to reflect the player who achieved it in one way or another. the genocide route is really no different from any of the others, because in the end, no matter what, the player who decided to go through with the things they did will ALWAYS be rewarded for it. the question the player will have to ask THEMSELF afterwards is "is this what i wanted?"

OK MOVING ON-

let's think back to the little but vital amount of info we have on who chara actually was, like, as a person. we know pretty much all of this due to 1) the tapes in the royal lab 2) asriel's additional dialogue at the end of true pacifist.

while we'll never really know why frisk fell into the underground, asriel tells us explicitly about chara's hatred for humanity, and how they jumped from mt. ebott for "not a very happy reason"; supposedly a suicide attempt. chara "never talked about why", it's left intentionally vague because their reasoning isn't really what matters. what DOES matter is how this is relevant to the genocide run, ESPECIALLY with the new obvious parallels in deltarune's snowgrave route. i'll get to that.

when you finish the genocide route, chara will talk directly to the player in person. they talk about your (you AND chara's) success, despite "their plan (having) failed". this "plan" is one they secretly made with asriel when they were both still alive, as revealed from the tapes. chara got terminally poisoned from eating buttercups (whether this was fully intentional or not is still kiiinda up for debate), and while on their deathbed, asriel says that he doesn't like the plan anymore. yet despite his fear, he still fused his soul to chara's when they died.

the actual plan here was to become a monster powerful enough to slaughter humanity, specifically chara's home village by their own dying request - this all ties into their mysterious spite and hatred mentioned before. but due to asriel's resistance against chara, their fused body was killed by the humans - which eventually led to the creation of flowey, and asriel's inner demons after death.

but back to the genocide route. during chara's monologue to the player, they give us a LOT of important exposition. basically:

at the very start of the game, frisk's own determination is literally what brought chara's soul 'back to life'. we know how human and monster souls are different and how "determination" in this universe is something only humans possess, so it makes sense why it awakened them. i won't get into the whole narrator theory because i feel like it's not that relevant to my point (it's fun tho), but chara is always present from the moment frisk falls down, and stays regardless of the player's actions.

if you managed to finish undertale at all you'll already kinda know this (thanks sans), but the EXP and LV you (can) gain throughout your journey aren't just numbers on your screen - they're genuine in-universe manifestations of power that increase when you kill someone. and in genocide, chara explains how they were directly affected every time your stats rose. they could FEEL their spirit growing stronger for every life you decided to take (REMINDER THAT THE GENOCIDE ROUTE CAN BE PERMANENTLY STOPPED AT ANY POINT BEFORE SANS. YOU DID THIS.), so is it really that strange that they felt the desire to grow even stronger?

and once you do reach this point, there's no return. all that excessive time and effort you put into killing off a civilization OBVIOUSLY has some consequences. the consequences HERE being - if you paid attention to chara's life story - you took advantage of a traumatized child who was already at the breaking point and making irrational choices on their own, and you led them to believe that this was what they needed!

this is VERY MUCH SUPPORTED by the snowgrave/weird/pipis/whatever route of deltarune chapter 2 that was discovered about 2 days ago as i'm writing this. i'm gonna go ahead and assume you know what happens in it and i don't care to go into details if you don't, since this post is about chara, but surprise: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO NOELLE, TOO! even in a completely normal run, noelle makes it clear multiple times that she wouldn't mind staying in the dark world; that in spite of how scary and dangerous it seems at times (something something horror movies), she started to feel at home. POSSIBLY even more so than her ACTUAL HOME, with her dying dad and negligent mom. like chara, noelle is a young person with low self esteem and her fair share of trauma, even if it's not as apparent. and like in the genocide run, the player's desire to ruthlessly kill in order to grow stronger affected her already-poor mental state.

someone else already pointed this out specifically, so don't credit me for it, but the main difference between chara and noelle is that noelle managed to break free in the end.

if you're like Most People Who Played The Genocide Route Back In Like 2016 and you played the genocide route with no further knowledge about it than "i have to follow these specific steps to get a harder fucked up version of the game", i don't blame you. you didn't actually know what you were doing in the end, did you? but did the outcome disappoint you, make sense to you, or did it just leave you with an empty/confused feeling? i love undertale because it WILL force you to think about things like that. i mean, if the result wasn't gonna affect you in SOME way, why would you go through all of that trouble in the first place? you had your reasons, as the player of any video game where you know your choices matter. would you have carried out the entire thing if you knew what was coming? the answer to that is only relevant to yourself.

#i'm EXHAUSTED girl.#asks #chara #ut #undertale #dr #deltarune #noelle holiday #dr spoilers #deltarune spoilers

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whitehotharlots · 4 years ago

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A movement that cannot be criticized cannot achieve positive goals

The hardest part of talking about malignant trends on the broad left is that, well, you’re not allowed to talk about them. It’s no exaggeration to say that criticism has become fully conflated with violence. If you attempt to engage critically with a left-liberal writer--regardless of how thorough and respectful you may be, and regardless of how powerful, public, or insulated the subject of the criticism--you will be accused of dismissing and erasing the writer, of inciting violence against the writer, and of committing some form of genocide against whichever identity groups the writer belongs to.

Conversely, if you don’t provide specifics, you’ll be accused of making stuff up. The same people who claim it’s an act of aggression to ask for proof when they make claims of victimization turn into immense pedants the moment they encounter a heterodox opinion.

Unsurprisingly, a discourse milieu in which critical analysis is forbidden is a prime breeding ground for unsustainable (and even horrific) behavioral standards. Never mind improving the world that exists outside their sphere of influence... these people are perpetually on the brink of destroying their allies, their institutions, and themselves.

Today I dug into an especially profane case that highlights both of these points. It’s a matter of public record, so I hopefully won’t get accused of “doxing” anyone for discussing it. It’s also the sort of story where if someone cares about it, they’ll have an opinion of it within a second or two of reading a headline describing what happened. This means it’ll only be of interest to the sort of cranks who read this blog. My goal here isn’t to express outrage or advocate for one side or other--although it is outrageous, and you won’t have to try too hard to see which side I favor. Instead, I’m going to try to move beyond that, to use this instance as a broader cautionary tale in regards to the more horrific tendencies of the identitarian left, and to begin formulating some means of resistance.

In other words, this might get boring. Even more so than usual.

The story involves a court case, documented here, in which a young man named Kieran Bhattacharya is suing the University of Virginia Medical School. Mr. Bhattacharya (a white supremacist name if I’ve ever heard one) was subjected to formal censure, repeated psychological evaluations, suspension, and eventual expulsion. This all happened because he raised some concerns after a White Fragility-inspired panel on microaggressions.

This is one of those cases where both sides are going to assume there’s a lot more going on beneath the surface and, like I said, are going to be disinclined toward actually reading the available evidence. Thankfully, the court brief is fairly exhaustive and--importantly--the account provided in the brief has received the approval of both plaintiff and defendant. To stress, everyone involved in this case agrees, legally, that the account provided herein is an accurate picture of what happened. Additionally, we also have audio of the initial microaggression seminar (Mr. Bhattacharya’s comments start at around the 28:30 mark), as well as of the pursuant committee meeting that ended in his expulsion.

Here is the initial exchange, as documented by the brief:

Bhattacharya: Hello. Thank you for your presentation. I had a few questions just to clarify your definition of microaggressions. Is it a requirement, to be a victim of microaggression, that you are a member of a marginalized group?

Adams: Very good question. And no. And no—

Bhattacharya: But in the definition, it just said you have to be a member of a marginalized group—in the definition you just provided in the last slide. So that’s contradictory.

Adams: What I had there is kind of the generalized definition. In fact, I extend it beyond that. As you see, I extend it to any marginalized group, and sometimes it’s not a marginalized group. There are examples that you would think maybe not fit, such as body size, height, [or] weight. And if that is how you would like to see me expand it, yes, indeed, that’s how I do.

Bhattacharya: Yeah, follow-up question. Exactly how do you define marginalized and who is a marginalized group? Where does that go? I mean, it seems extremely nonspecific.

Adams: And—that’s intentional. That’s intentional to make it more nonspecific . . . .

After the initial exchange, Bhattacharya challenged Adams’s definition of microaggression. He argued against the notion that “the person who is receiving the microaggressions somehow knows the intention of the person who made it,” and he expressed concern that “a microaggression is entirely dependent on how the person who’s receiving it is reacting.” Id. He continued his critique of Adams’s work, saying, “The evidence that you provided—and you said you’ve studied this for years—which is just one anecdotal case—I mean do you have, did you study anything else about microaggressions that you know in the last few years?” Id. After Adams responded to Bhattacharya’s third question, he asked an additional series of questions: “So, again, what is the basis for which you’re going to tell someone that they’ve committed a microaggression? . . . Where are you getting this basis from? How are you studying this, and collecting evidence on this, and making presentations on it?”

You can listen to the audio if you like. There’s nothing there, in my opinion, that is not captured accurately in the written description. Bhattacharya does not yell or raise his voice. He sounds skeptical, but in no way violent or threatening. Nor does Adams, the presenter, signal that she is experiencing anything that approaches fear or trauma.

Immediately after the event, a professor who helped organize the discussion filed a “Professionalism Concern Card”--a cute academic euphemism for a disciplinary write up--against Bhattacharya, alleging he had displayed a troubling lack of respect for differences (the irony here probably does not need to be explicated).

Soon after that--literally still the same day of the panel--Bhattacharya received an email from faculty asking him to “share his thoughts” so as to help him “understand and be able to cope with unintended consequences of conversations.” The tone of the email is polite and professional, but the text hints toward an attempt at entrapment. You’ll see this a lot in woke spaces--invitations to come to an understanding with one another that are, in actuality, attempts to get a person to say something cancellable.

Bhattacharya took the bait, and, well…

During Bhattacharya and Peterson’s one-hour meeting, Peterson “barely mentioned” Bhattacharya’s questions and comments at the panel discussion. Dkt. 33 ¶ 73. Instead, Peterson attempted to determine Bhattacharya’s “views on various social and political issues—including sexual assault, affirmative action, and the election of President Trump.”

At this point, the kid was fucked. He soon after had an uneventful-seeming meeting with a dean. Two weeks after that, a separate panel found him guilty of “patterns of unprofessional behavior and egregious violations of professionalism” and strongly encouraged him to seek psychological counseling.

Pre-Trump, Bhattacharya still probably would have been fine if he had just kept his head down, gone to a couple therapy sessions, and maybe issued an empty apology. Since 2016, however, the rules have changed. An accusation is now absolute proof of guilt and no amount of ablution can save someone in a vulnerable position.

Eleven days after receiving the ostensible suggestion that he receive counseling, Bhattacharya was informed that he would not be permitted to return to classes until he had been evaluated. A day after that--before even having the opportunity to seek the mandated counseling--he was given a mere 3 hours notice before having to attend another disciplinary committee meeting.

This meeting found that Bhattacharya’s continuing behaviors were proof that he posed an imminent danger to the campus community, although the committee did not bother to explain what those behaviors entailed. His behavior was simply noted as “unusual” and this was proof that “Any patient that walked into the room with [Bhattacharya] would be scared.” The following day, Bhattacharya was forcibly removed from campus and told he could not return until he had been screened. He was, subsequently, not allowed to receive sanctioned screening, because of his status of having been removed from campus after being deemed a security risk.

Again, none of what I have described is an exaggeration. None of these details are even being contested.

Now for my own conjecture: the problem isn’t that anyone genuinely believes Bhattacharya poses a threat to anyone’s safety. The problem is that he attempted to question the ideological firmaments of contemporary anti-racist training. These firmaments are protected with aggressive viciousness precisely because they cannot withstand scrutiny. Had Bhattacharya merely scoffed at them, or even if he had been outright condescending and dismissive, he probably would not have received such a severe punishment. The problem was that he was right, and his accusers knew it.

Understanding speech in the manner prescribed by the peddlers of microaggression theory cannot possibly be codified in a way that won't result in arbitrary punishment. Bhattacharya’s experience demonstrates that with horrific irony.

The assertion here is that the intention of a speech act should have no bearing on how we adjudicate the morality of that speech act--such a point was made repeatedly in the initial discussion, and stressed once again after Bhattacharya’s concerns have been raised. This standard contradicts how we've processed the morality of speech for centuries, but that's what people are very explicitly demanding.

How is this workable, when literally any statement could, conceivably, be considered offensive by at least one individual? This, I feel, was the point Bhattacharya reaching toward. If you were to say, I dunno, "I love trees" to a group of 1000 people, 999 of them could regard that statement as benign. But what if one person takes offense to it? What if they work in the lumber industry, or they were molested by guy in a Smokey the Bear costume? What if that person then files a report accusing the tree lover of offensive speech? Will the speaker be disciplined? Or will the powers that be take intention and effect into account?

Of course, we're not going to criminalize all speech in this way. Like all extreme and broad-reaching disciplinary standards, this one will only be selectively evoked in order to punish people with heterodox opinions and/or those whose presence threatens the status quo. Someone who says something much more incendiary, like "all men are rapists" or "white people shouldn't get social security" would not receive a reprimand regardless of how much offense their statements caused, because they're saying something that's acceptable in our current milieu. And right now, the least acceptable speech is that which shines a light on the manifest flaws and hypocrisies of corporate anti racism.

Back to my hypothetical example, if the tree-loving speaker was on good terms with everyone, the complaint would most likely be ignored. But if he had said or done other things that for whatever reason displeased the people in charge, the specious accusation could still ruin him. What's worse, the person who filed the allegation of offense might not have even actually taken offense at the statement--they were just looking for a way to get rid of him.

Bhattacharya was attempting to voice legitimate criticisms about a political movement whose suggestions are functionally unworkable and that, even if it were implemented fully and uncritically, does not contain even a hypothetical explanation in regards to how its goals would result in improved racial equality/equity. Because of that, he was cynically labeled dangerous and expelled from a public university.

You'd think a group that obsesses over power differentials and their own marginalization would have some grasp of this. Regardless of which side you fall into with this particular culture war, it should fucking terrify you that a movement that’s been tasked with addressing pressing social problems is designed in such a way that any substantial criticism is met with aggressive punishment.

There’s no way you can win if this is you is how conduct yourself. This is why we’re losing. This is why even if you get all the censorship and deplatforming you can ever dream of, even if every major bank and multinational corporatation professes fealty to your movement, you will still lose. Because there’s no way you can win.

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mylieutenant · 4 years ago

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Can You Hear Me?

After the Promised Day, Team Mustang goes on a questionable mission in the rebuilt Ishval. Following Roy into Hell often feels too literal for Riza.

1.3k words | Warnings: Graphic depiction of violence, sexual innuendo (unrelated to each other) | Read on AO3

Originally written between 2016-2018.

---

“Slow night, Elizabeth?”

I’m going to ask something very difficult of you, Captain.

That’s how she was after an officer from Aerugo who was secretly working with the Ishvalan separatists. They had gotten orders from Central to handle this with maximum discretion. Which Roy had interpreted as, take him out as quickly as possible. Since Aerugo denied all current involvement with Ishval, they wouldn’t be able to explain such a case to the public.

That’s how Riza was in Ishval with her rifle once more.

Roy’s plan involved her, Breda, Fuery… and Scar of all people. Scar, everyone suspected, dreamed of an independent Ishval free from Amestrian rule just as much as any of the separatists. But Scar, Riza was almost certain, despised the separatists more than anyone. Creating tension, perpetuating prejudices, pushing for war. Hatred leading to hatred. Roy had thought the same, and their suspicions were confirmed when Scar begrudgingly agreed to be part of the mission. Scar became the spy they didn’t ask for, and it said a great deal about his reputation that the separatist leaders weren’t suspicious.

That’s how Scar was asked to cite the target in a designated spot during the night, to supposedly discuss his knowledge of Major Miles’s activities. The area was clear; Riza and Breda had scanned it hours earlier. She’d been keeping watch ever since, so unless they’d missed anything, the foreigner didn’t suspect anything.

Not a defenseless civilian, Riza reminded herself. My target is a spy from a different country, seeking to destroy our own from the inside.

“I cannot complain,” she said. “I was expecting it to be crowded, but it looks like we're going to be alone.”

“I could come over and keep you company.”

“Feeling lonely, Roy?” It was easy to be playful, when he was such an excellent lead. “I can assure that having me on the phone will do well enough to keep you company.”

That’s how they’d ended up connected to the civilian grid, which had taken three years and a massive effort to build. The line, still new in Ishval, rarely worked properly and it was being used mostly within the military. Fuery could even work it to their advantage, making the call nearly impossible to trace. It was more than enough. It was, in fact, still too dangerous. But Roy, feeling so inadequate, so dejected back in East City, had insisted on installing a line. At first Riza protested, but she had to admit that their banter was helping her focus.

“You can say you miss me, Elizabeth. It’s fine.” That was no lie.

“Wishful thinking, Roy Mustang. It suits you.”

“Well, a man can dream.”

Before she could think of an answer, a figure approached the meeting point from her right. Riza looked through the scope, but the insufficient light didn’t give her any useful information.

“Wait a minute, we have a customer. I think I know him. Kate, what do you think?”

Fuery, behind her with the equipment, spoke on a different line.

“Do we know this guy?”

Riza kept her eyes on the figure that approached Scar in the darkness, then looked through the scope as he slowed down. She had a clear shot, but she needed to wait for Breda’s confirmation as he carefully watched from a closer spot.

“It’s him,” Fuery told her.

“It’s him,” she repeated, then hesitated. Roy had planned carefully, down to the last detail, yet he hadn’t thought of giving Scar a codename. “Our new girl is greeting him.”

“Your new girl?”

“You’ve met her. Fairly pleasant. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Fuery snickered quietly, and then Roy’s ringing laughter soothing her enough to dispel all the tension she had accumulated in the last few minutes. That’s how she got the trust she was missing, that trust that always faltered, but never proved wrong.

“I must go and greet him properly. It shouldn’t take long.”

“Ah, Elizabeth. Always giving such good service to those who deserve it. I’m proud of you.”

Warmth settled in her chest. Roy was not only reminding her of the righteousness of their mission, but acknowledging the fact that this wasn’t easy for her.

Thank you, sir.

“You’re speaking nonsense, Roy Mustang,” she said. “Have you been drinking again?”

“Again? Why, Elizabeth, I’m offen—”

The call fell. Fuery let out an exasperated sigh. She imitated him, more calmly. Breathe in, then out, holding that position as she made sure that the forehead of the target was right in the middle of her scope. That Scar couldn’t possibly get hurt.

And then, she pulled the trigger. The sound spread and echoed along the deserted streets. Her chest hurt. Blood splashed out and splattered on the ground as the target stumbled. And then, he fell. Riza closed her eyes. Yet another life taken by her hand. Another corpse without a tombstone. Another soul waiting for her in hell.

This is the enemy. This is what I’m here to do.

“I can’t get us back on. I fear we could’ve been intercepted,” Fuery informed her. “You got him, didn’t you?”

“I did.” And this meant they needed to leave. She remembered now, she had strict orders not to worry about the target. Leave it to Breda, now she should help Fuery dismantle the equipment. She ignored her rapid heartbeat, the breaking sweat, the inclement weather finally taking a toll on her senses. “We should go. We can communicate later as we—”

“Elizabeth!” The voice in her ear startled her. “Elizabeth, can you hear me? Please—”

The memories that crept up weren’t those from the Civil War, but memories of Roy blowing his cover so he could make sure he was safe. Roy’s anguished expression when she’d been bleeding out in front of him. Riza had sculpted it in every corner of her mind when she’d believed it to be the last thing she’d ever see. And it haunted her in dreams, it haunted her when sadness caught her off guard.

It was everywhere now. And Riza felt his fear, deep, devastating, as she knew he was feeling it. This was difficult for her, being back in the battlefield that had seen her become a murderer. But it was just as difficult for Roy, having her on the field when he was miles away. He knew this mission was of relative low risk. No one was after them; they were too many steps ahead from the enemy. And he still feared. He still grieved.

“I can hear you. I’m sorry. We’re having some issues with the line as of late.”

“Right.” Roy sounded defeated. “I knew that. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, I was too distracted by our customer to notice either way. I did an excellent job, if I say so myself. But it’s closing time now, so I'll have to leave you hanging.”

“Such a tease." And just like that, he was back. "Next time, then. The anticipation is killing me.”

Oh, if only she could reassure him, time and time again, that everyone was safe, that the mission had gone without a hitch and they should be back in East City by morning. If only he could acknowledge her state of mind, that he could remind her it was over, and she was doing this for the greater good.

“Always. Thanks for keeping me company,” was all she could muster.

She signaled Fuery to end the conversation he’d pretended not to hear. Fuery, with those big eyes behind round glasses, eyes that asked questions he was too polite to speak aloud. But Riza had no time to lose, no time to worry about discretion. It was over. East City, home, Roy waited for them.

“Let’s go.”

#royai #roy mustang #riza hawkeye #royai fanfiction #fma fanfiction #repost (sorta)#my stuff #my fic #yes another victim of me not posting this elsewhere

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tayliviaspeace · 4 years ago

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Day 2 of analysing Taylor in quarantine

Day 2: cardigan

1 sentence summary: This is basically Betty, many years in the future, talking about what a mess her first love was, but how she is still with him now.

"Vintage tee, brand new phone High heels on cobblestones When you are young, they assume you know nothing Sequin smile, black lipstick Sensual politics When you are young, they assume you know nothing"

Taylor is talking about her albums as well as the love triangle. In her albums, 'vintage tee' is debut, 'brand new phone' is fearless, 'high heels' is speak now, 'cobblestones' is red, 'sequin smile' is 1989, 'black lipstick' is reputation, and 'sensual politics' is lover. In the love triangle, the vintage tee is something Betty keeps from James. The new phone symbolises a new start after he cheated on her. She moved away and completely changed herself. 'When you are young the assume you know nothing,' references James in 'Betty,' when he says, 'I'm only 17 I don't know anything.' Betty is smart and knows that however old you are, you do know things, which is why she sounds kind of resentful when she says that. Taylor could also be telling this to her past self, 'make your voice heard.' She is showing people that if you take time to educate yourself, you can give your opinions and people won't take advantage of your silence, because you won't be silenced. 'Sequin smile, black lipstick,' is her at the 2016 MET Gala, where she met Joe. Sensual politics is when she started speaking out, trading her sweetheart image for someone thats more forceful and who uses their voice. She also addressed sexist comments and things that have happened to her as a woman in the music industry.

"But I knew you Dancin' in your Levi's Drunk under a streetlight, I I knew you Hand under my sweatshirt Baby, kiss it better, I"

Taylor shows lovers when the wear jeans and Levi's is a jeans company in the US. This shows an ending where James and Betty get together. Like Taylor did with Betty, she's allowing you to pick the end. This shows Betty's idea of love and how she and James are together. 'Drunk under a streetlight,' references Betty, when they stopped at a streetlight. It could also reference Cornelia street on 'Lover,' when they're drunk on something stronger than the drinks at the bar, which is true love.

"And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favourite"

Betty feels like she has done something wrong, that she is unlovable, which may be a reflection of how Taylor felt in 2016, before Joe. Betty and Taylor show quite a few similarities here. They share the feeling of being vulnerable, and the fear of not being wanted. They also share the feeling that when the right person comes along things make sense and you feel a different way, which is a thought shared by all humanity. That's something I love in Taylor's writing. The songs aren't just for her. It's always so relatable. 'Putting on' could be putting a show and faking feelings, and it could also mean literally putting on a cardigan, which highlights the

"A friend to all is a friend to none Chase two girls, lose the one When you are young, they assume you know nothing"

This is showing what would happen in the event that James and Betty don't get back together. He cheats on her with Augustine, and he lost the love of his life in that process. Taylor left the ending very open ended so the listener can pick their ending. The repetition of 'when you are young they assume you know nothing' sounds like James constantly trying to get Betty to see perspective and forgive him. It also reminds me of 'only the young,' and how the line goes against the song, and the fact that only the young can change anything and that they have the power. But if you don't know anything you don't know what to change which makes this interesting.

"But I knew you Playing hide-and-seek and Giving me your weekends, I I knew you Your heartbeat on the High Line Once in twenty lifetimes, I"

Betty knew that James would never be honest about his feelings and in doing so he was hiding his feelings. However, he spends his weekends with her, but this could show him toying with her feelings as hide and seek is a game. High Line is a place in NYC, which could show a new start for Betty. She broke up with James and she's in NYC now (I've always imagined the love triangle to be like a small town scandal [that rhymes]) and she never imagined she'd meet James there, which is why it's only something that'll happen once in 20 lifetimes. 20 could also hint to how long Taylor's career has been and what she has gone through in the 20 years.

"And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favourite"

Same thing as above. The repetition also highlights how this is something people feel constantly, and a feeling that is repeated through the years.

"To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'"

This is referencing Betty, where the line is "kissin' in my car again," and downtown bars is probably a place where Taylor and Joe went (a dive bar on Eastside). It also references earlier in the song, where they're drunk. James made Betty feel like she was special and he healed her from past wounds, but when he cheated on her, he gave her more things to need healing. It was as though he put a band-aid on her wounds, but when he cheated on Betty, he ripped it off.

"'Cause I knew you Steppin' on the last train Marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy, I I knew you Leavin' like a father Running like water, I And when you are young, they assume you know nothing"

This is relating to 'champagne problems' in evermore, where its 'you took the nigh train for a reason, so you could sit there in this hurt', which is probably talking about James' feelings when Betty didn't take him back. I love how the song [cardigan] is open ended for the listener to pick the ending they want. Bloodstains are hard to forget and James and his mistakes were hard on Betty and may have shaped how she feels about people later. Betty knew that James wouldn't give up very easily and he tried to change both himself and how their story ended. Betty's father may have left when she was a child. Sometimes people don't take the news of a child well, and they leave, and Betty could have associated James to her father. Water doesn't stop running, it moves like time, and if you want to move with it you need to make the effort. James refused to grow up and accept that he had cheated on Betty, and he kept saying, 'I don't know anything'. That isn't an excuse you can use after sometime.

"But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time Chasin' shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standin' in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back"

A tattoo is something that's permanent, and James is Betty's first love. No matter how hard you try to forget, you can never forget your first love, and you always think that would my life now be different if I didn't do this with my first love. They're in your thoughts a lot, and there's some sense of permanence in it. Betty is going against James, and saying that your excuse of not knowing anything is rubbish. You had us both at one point and now you have neither. She also knew that he was cheating on her and that once he felt guilty for it, James would make amends. 'Standing in my front porch light,' is another reference to Betty, where James says 'I'm here on your doorstep'. Like Betty said, James does come back to her.

"And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favourite"

When this ends the song, from Betty's perspective it looks like they got a happy ever after, because despite everything that James put her through, he showed more genuine care and love for her than anyone else, and he made Betty feel special.

Overall review: I love this song so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love the meaning, the message, everything. One of the messages I think the song is trying to get across is to give second chances and people change. The ones who truly love us are there for us, and will apologise for their mistakes. I'm very optimistic in thinking they [James and Betty] get together and she forgives him.

#tay #taylor swift #taylornation #taytay #taylurking #folklore #song analysis #cardigan #betty #love triangle #james #inez #augustine #quarantine #13 #folklovermore

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oookaline · 5 years ago

Text

A response to this tweet:

https://twitter.com/LETMEVOL6/status/1318301718610923520?s=19

"ok. i’m bout to ask a question to the larries. yalls whole argument is that simon and modest are homophobic right? please explain to me how Harry got away with being such a strong advocate for the LGBTQ+ community while being in One Direction? Why was harry the only one dropping hints on his sexuality. if they were so dead set on pushing this heterosexual narrative onto the boys then how did Harry get away with the things that he did? harry was dropping hints at his attraction to males. no, not with over analyzed song lyrics. i mean dead ass saying it. I genuinely want to know because Harry‘s been out of the closet for years now .y’all claim that Louis is closete. Harry managed to get out of the “evil clutches of Simon Cowell“ what stopping Louis and doing the same? unless this whole Larry theory was a lie and y’all were bored like, can someone please tell me why that happened? if Harry is allowed to be so open about his sexuality what stopping louis? if Harry got away from Simon would stopping in Louis they all have the same opportunity Harry may be the richest member but Louis can’t be that far back so tell me how did Harry manage to get away and be so open about his attraction of males and louis didn’t? i genuinely don’t get that."

Harry has been refering to his partner as gender neutral since forever, its not something he dropped hints on.

Not only that you have to also consider the narratives management pushed upon each of them aswell: Ima try to do a brief summary on H and Lou only, as this is reffered to Larries.

Louis: Perfect Boyfriend, a stable girlfriend throughout the years, influencer pretty girlfriend, no background on her so no backlash, constant papwalks on them and the occasional 'theyre toguether' tweets. Literally what it would be normalized as a happy relationship.

Harry: Fuck Boy, dated a lot of people, womaniser, headlines every week linking him to a new person, kendall, Taylor, Caroline etc, all big names yet all stunts, papwalks, 18 months of dating or interaction then never talked about again, the boy to wisk you away to a magical night then leave you the next morning.

Now taking these both you can see they are very different narratives, thus enabling them for two very distinctive ways to hinting at their sexuality with us.

Louis due to stunt reasons had to make his love songs (or his songs overall) seem like they hint at a specific girl, eleanor. Building up on the narrative they've had over the years. So while he can't directly call out his 'perfect woman' in gender neutral pronouns like Harry does, he CAN on the other hand choose what he specifies her as: a good chef, long brown hair paired with a british accent.

Very specific things that very obviously link to Harry while making press and hets think its towards Eleanor.

That one interview which didn't air where Louis said he had a boyfriend...

But this is just verbal. Lyric whise Louis has been more open and smart then anyone I've ever listened to-

The lyrics directly paralleling gay relationship, the struggles, the fear of not being able to be with them... Everything that a Heterosexual reletionship would NEVER experience. A few examples:

→Alive - One Direction (Louis) MM

"My mama told me I should go and get some therapy"

"I asked the doctor, "can you find out what is wrong with me? I don't know why I wanna be with every girl I meet"

"I can't control it"

"She said, "hey, it's alright Does it make you feel alive?"

"We got to live before we get older. Do what we like, we got nothing to lose. Shake off the weight of the world from your shoulders. Oh, we got nothing to prove"

"Went to a party just after the doctor talked to me, I met a girl, I took her in up to the balcony, I whispered something in her ear that I just can't repeat, She said, "okay" but she was worried what her friends will think"

This whole song is about questioning you sexuality and realizing you like the same sex.

Read over the lyrics and change:

girl - boy

she/her - he/him

and you'll see what I mean

→End Of The Day (Louis and Liam) MITAM

"Love can be frightening for sure"

"All I know at the end of the day is you want what you want and you say what you say, And you'll follow your heart even though it'll break, Sometimes"

"All I know at the end of the day is love who you love, There ain't no other way, If there's something I've learnt from a million mistakes, You're the one that I want at the end of the day"

"The priest thinks it's the devil, My mum thinks it's the flu, But girl it's only you"

"When the sun goes I know that you and me and everything will be alright, And when the city's sleeping, you and I can stay awake and keep on dreaming"

this whole song (apart from that one "girl") is just a huge gay awakening. If you keep the girl its a wlw anthem then.

some more exaples from scattered songs:

"There's a moment when you finally realize, There's no way you can change the rolling tide" -Ready To Run

"There will always be the kind that criticize, But I know, yes I know we'll be alright" -Ready To Run

"Told myself I kind of liked her, But there was something missing in her eyes" -Home

"I was stumbling, looking in the dark , With an empty heart, But you say you feel the same"-Home

"Still high with a little feeling, I see the smile as it starts to creep in, It was there, I saw it in your eyes" -Home

"But I know you're only hiding, And I just wanna see you" -Through The Dark

"And I can see your head is held in shame, But I just wanna see you smile again" -Through The Dark

"And I will hold you closer, Hope your heart is strong enough" -Through the dark

"People say we shouldn't be together, We're too young to know about forever" -TDKAU

"They don't know about the things we do, They don't know about the "I love yous"-TDKAU

these are just some out of the many Louis wrote. You can see where I'm going with it now.

and im not even going to touch i to all the shading Louis did with his clothes, tattoos, actions etc...

Now, Harry 'got away' with those actions because of various reasons, but I wouldn't say that he got away, I'd call it more of a "You stop me from doing this we will get backlash for possible homophobia and then y'all lose money so suck it up fuckers we're going on a rainbow ride" which is true; Yes, Harry did always refer to his ideal partner in gender neutral forms, but during the rainbow direction project was when he really amped it up so he could always go with the casual "I'm just supporting my fans, there's no harm in that" when confronted about it, which includes him waving the flags around and all the other stuff.

But it also seems you all are forgetting about how along with all the Queer!Harry we got, we also got more and more headlines of Wom!Harry, more stunts and etc: 5 different official relationships (not counting Kendal twice, which would make 6) between late 2014-early 2016 ALSO NOT COUNTING RUMOURED GIRLFRIENDS which then would make the list go so much higher, Harry couldn't before and still can't hang out with WOMEN or else there will be rumours of them dating.

And this doesn't happen with Men :/ He can hang put with multiple men, and there probably will be barelly one and a half articles written about it -only by small outlets- which in comparison to when he is seen hanging our with a 'mysterious woman' we'll get hundreds of articles about it in a span of an hour.

So what I'm trying to say is that sadly he can still call his ideal partner a he and be seen kissing a guy that the media probably will focus on the chick on the background and write an article like "Harry Styles seen out with friends in LA and he seemed extra cozy with mysterious blonde".

But again, the same with Louis, he hints at us about his sexuality so much, be it us the only one who properly listens to him.

With his songs and the flags and the pins and everything.

Here's some of his lyrics from the Oned era:

"We were meant to be but a twist of fate, Made it so you had to walk away" -Happily

"I don't care what people say when we're together"-Happily

"I can't even think straight but I can tell, You were just with her"-JABOYL

"And nothing's ever easy, That's what they say"-JABOYL

"Pay attention, I hope that you listen 'cause I let my guard down, Right now I'm completely defenseless"-If I Could Fly

"I've got scars even though they can't always be seen, And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing"-If I Could Fly

"One day you'll come into my world and say it all, You say we'll be together even when you're lost"-Something Great

"I want you here with me, Like how I pictured it, So I don't have to keep imagining"-Something Great

"The script was written and I could not change a thing, I want to rip it all to shreds and start again"-Something Great

"You're all I want, So much it's hurting"-Something Great

So yeah, its sad that you just alienated that one thing without having context nor looking at the bigger picture. If I missed anything please tell me. :]

sorry for the long post

(copied from my answer on twitter)

#answer to tweet #I wish tumblr had a option #This is copied from my response on twitter #They listerally ask the sumbest questions ffs #It was fun #such a long time I haven't written something like this

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

Text

1032

survey by danceamydance

Have you ever witnessed a birth? Never have. I wasn’t present when my mom gave birth to my younger siblings and other than that there’s been no reason for me to be around for the birth of my other younger relatives.

What pattern does the closest tissue box have? I don’t have one in my room, but the one in our bathroom is brown. I think. I never actually checked even though I use it everyday lol.

Where did you lose your virginity, if you have? I truthfully didn’t really keep note of what counts as the first time because we had already been fooling around quite a bit. I’d guess either a hotel room or my room, or maybe hers. The one thing I can remember was that I was 18, so there’s that.

What color car(s) do your parents drive? We have two white cars and one teal. I still don’t know why my dad got a teal car when none of us in the family are into colored cars, but according to him getting the Vitara in white would’ve looked like an FX (a form of public transport here), so I’ve learned to make my peace with the teal car lol.

What are your views on getting rid of the penny? I can’t relate, because we don’t use pennies.

Which Asian country would you most like to visit? Aside from the ones I’ve already gone to, I’d love to take a trip to Thailand, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, and India.

Have you ever had a nosebleed? Nope. I fear the day I get one; I’m scared of blood haha.

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Maybe around 30 minutes without any traffic. A realistic drive to Manila would take me anywhere between 1 to 1.5 hours.

Do you have bangs? Yep, and they’re starting to get pretty long as well so thanks for reminding me that I’ll have to trim them soon. I want to get rid of them already as I’ve had my fun with them, but NO ONE HAS SEEN ME WITH BANGS loooool so they are still staying.

Are you a good driver? I wanna say I’ve been better through the years? Hahaha the consensus is that I drive a little crazy, but my friends still always pick me to drive them whenever we go somewhere because everyone apparently still finds me the safest driver to ride with despite my temper on the road. Having a tiny car, being bullied by bigger pickup trucks and SUV through the years has helped toughen me up.

Have you ever kissed someone underneath the mistletoe? No. My ex and I always celebrated Christmas separately, with our own families, so we never got the chance to do this.

Do you watch the Olympics on the television? No. It’s not really something that interests me.

What was the scariest experience of your life? The time I nearly crashed into a car that I didn’t realize was stopped in the middle of the road while I was going 80 kph, and having like 3 seconds to hit the brakes.

Do you have a Tumblr account? I mean...

Are your nails painted right now? What color? Nope.

Have you ever played truth or dare? Several times, though I always pick truth because I’ve never had a problem saying it. I also hate picking dares because my friends would usually make us do dumb things, like dance, or worse, make out with someone in the circle.

How long is your driveway? Not very.

Are there any tv shows you keep up with religiously? Mmm it used to be The Crown, but I probably won’t be watching it for a while despite the new season because 1) I used to watch it when my past relationship had still been smooth-sailing, so watching it would just remind me of that; and 2) Gabie loves the shit out of Gillian Anderson and she was brought in for season 4 lol.

Right now my focus is on a new Korean drama called Start-Up, which is currently ongoing and is so fucking good. Nam Joo Hyuk is also there, so it’s a sweet bonus for me <3

What is your favorite iPhone app? I’m using YouTube the most these days, so it may as well be my favorite.

Where is your mother right now? She’s at work.

Do you know anybody named Carl? I don’t think so. The only person that came to mind is an uncle named Carlo who I haven’t seen in more than a decade. My dad’s college group used to be super tight-knit and I used to be friends with his friends’ kids, so it’s sad to see them kinda grow apart and notice the others be more reclusive over the years.

Are you more of a night owl or a morning person? Morning person. Ugh, work is changing me as a person haha.

What is your favorite song at the moment? Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House has taken the top spot again. It’s just too goddamn good of a song.

Do you have a weak stomach? Very. I’m awful with car rides, bungee jumping, fair rides, you name it.

Have you ever been to a party where people were drinking underage? Hmm, yes. Kaira’s 18th birthday – it was held in May but most of the people at her party weren’t going to turn 18 until the end of the year, so it was a lot of 16 and 17 year olds drinking. I had just turned 18 then, so I allowed myself to take my first sip of a margarita.

How many stores are in the mall closest to you? Malls here are generally packed compared to what people may have in the US or other countries, so even though our local mall isn’t anything notable, it still holds 200+ stores.

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes, but they’re all outside of family. My mom’s side is very weird about cancer and never share information about family members who may have it and only ever refer to it as ‘the c word,’ so I may have more relatives who have cancer than what is made known to us.

How far away is the closest McDonald’s to you? We have one literally right beside the main entrance of our village but because our house is at the very end of the village, what should be just a couple of steps away is instead a 10-minute drive for me.

Would you ever meet someone in person that you met online? Yeah I’ve done that with a few people in the wrestling circle. Jila I met unexpectedly while we were both in line for the WWE house show in Manila in 2016; Javi I met when I lent him my Chris Jericho memoir; and Rafie was the one who gave me a free ticket to said WWE show. Rafie’s a local celebrity now and he has such a huge following, so as weird as it is I’m also glad I have that little memory with him before he blew up.

What was the last film you watched? That Thing Called Tadhana, but I was unable to finish it. I’m into TV shows these days and I’ve been all over Start-Up.

Does it snow where you live? Never has.

Have you ever been to an art gallery? Of course, I’m a sucker for those. I always go to one whenever I can; there are a lot of malls here that’ll randomly have pop-up art exhibits, so art galleries here actually aren’t limited to just museums.

What are your neighbours like? A lot of them have kids, that much I know because a lot of them play outside in the afternoon and make some noise. We all keep to each other, though, so I don’t know any more about them; the only time we get together is when the neighborhood organizes its own Christmas party for the community.

Do you visit your town’s library often? I would if we have one, but public libraries are not a thing here. If you needed to go to a library to find a book, you would have to go to a university.

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? This just gave me college flashbacks haha. Of course I have, and the most notable people for me are JM, Andrew, and Angela.

What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? It’s a red bean ice cream sandwich that also has a bit of vanilla ice cream in it.

Can you do a cartwheel? No but I definitely tried a thousand times as a kid.

Who is the last person you spoke to on the phone? Can I do video calls instead? I haven’t done phone calls in a while. The last people I was on a call with were Ysa and Bea.

^ What did you talk about? Secret work stuff.

Which website do you spend the most time on? YouTube, Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter.

Have you ever kissed someone of a different race? I haven’t.

What can you smell right now? My coffee chocolate chip cookie.

Do you read fanfiction? If so, what fandoms? I haven’t checked on my favorite authors since college, mostly because they went MIA at some point and moved on to different fandoms as well. But when I did, I mostly read ones for AJ/Punk and HHH/Steph.

What accent is your favorite? Man this question is asked a lot...

How did/will you celebrate your birthday this year? Gab gave me a cute digital present, I think I may have spent the whole day playing the Switch, and Hans and Angela sent over a box of sushi for me.

Are you more introverted or extroverted? I’m both depending on the people I’m with. If I’m with a crowd I don’t know all that much, I turn my volume down.

Do you tend to repeat yourself all the time? Yeah. I got it from my mom, who unconsciously repeats stories all the time.

How was the last chicken you ate cooked? Fried.

Is there anybody you always find yourself thinking about? Yes, but it has gotten easier to manage/ignore altogether these days.

What was your last argument about? Haven’t argued with anyone in a hot minute. It was probably my mom as always, but I no longer remember what it could have been about.

Are/were you part of any extracurricular activities in school? I had clubs in high school since it was mandatory. In college, I was in yearbook and a journalism org.

Do you want to get married someday? I don’t know about that anymore.

What colors are on your country’s national flag? Blue, red, yellow, and white.

Would you go back to your ex if he/she asked you? I’m pretty stupid when it comes to this, so yes.

#survey #surveys

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casually-inlove · 6 years ago

Note

I'm a bit curious about the change in He Tian's attitude towards Mo in some earlier 2016 moments. He looked like he was playing around with Mo and even taunt him then, but the kiss came out of nowhere, and he is now having a crush on the boy. What do you think that makes him interested in Mo in the first place, and at which point did he start taking their friendship seriously, and started loving Mo?

Hey there, anon!

That’s a fabulous question actually. At some point, I also wondered what it was that made He Tian interested in Momo to begin with, or when this transition actually happened, and I was addling my head a lot over it, lol. I can only speculate here, but nonetheless here goes.

First of all, let’s take a look at how OX initially presented He Tian. We saw a wealthy, privileged and somewhat snobbish boy, who enjoyed top grades and enduring popularity among other students. Hell, even the teachers were fond of him, while girls flocked around He Tian every break. Whatever he said or mentioned was being met with giggles and bashful sighs. You get the picture.

Unfortunately, it’s all but a pretty wrapping. In reality, none of those people knows who He Tian really is. We as readers know that in fact, He Tian suffers from profound loneliness. We know that despite all that money, he barely has any noteworthy personal possessions. That he still experiences the aftershocks of childhood traumas. That his relationships with his family are deeply fractured. People who surround He Tian on a daily basis could be described as sycophants. Their adoration towards him is pretty shallow. They are so crazy about him why exactly? Because he’s handsome, rich, popular, etc. Not saying that it’s a bad reason to like someone, but it’s not particularly meaningful either.

Anyway, this leads me to my main point. He Tian is used to that sort of shallow attention and plays along with it for his own reasons. He’s used to people nearly applauding him for whatever he does. He’s used to people wanting to be near him. If we think back to his childhood, we’ll see that instead of a mother he had been (apparently) surrounded by maids (?), who were hired to care for him (and that’s apparently why he’s so bad at house chores, haha).

Case and point: he’s used to being in the center of attention and having people bend over to his whims.

And then… cue Mo Guan Shan, who gives zero fucks about He Tian. Who gives zero fucks about his popularity or his money, who has the balls to tell him to bugger off in the rudest ways possible. Momo doesn’t dance to his tune, and that’s something new to He Tian, something he hadn’t experienced before.

So… Momo comes off as belligerent, dirty-mouthed school bully who is contemptuous towards those rich and powerful (he has reasons for that, but still Momo’s view is tinted through his own childhood experiences). There’s raw honesty in Mo Guan Shan and that initially fascinates He Tian. Let’s admit it: He Tian comes off as being bored or somewhat indifferent towards life. The fact that there’s one person who doesn’t bow and kowtow before him is refreshing. That’s probably one of the reasons why He Tian hires Mo to cook and clean for him in the first place. He’s bored and Mo is the cure to his boredom. A cure that runs his mouth, threatens to knock his teeth out and outright calls him fake and dangerous, haha.

If I were to give a Tvtrope to this one, it would be “I love you because I can’t control you”. He Tian cannot approach MGS normally, like how he would have approached anyone else. Friendly attitude doesn’t work with him. Momo truly reminds me of a stray dog that is used to people treating it so badly that it would bite the hand that tried to pet it. There’s also a matter of MGS being very prideful. That raw honesty of his doesn’t fade away even when He Tian gives him beatings or pays him to do house chores. Sure, he takes the money but he never sugarcoats his attitude, never hides his distaste for He Tian and people like him. He makes it clear that he HATES every second of being near HT or in his apartment, yet he manages to put it aside when needed.

Anyway, I digress. I believe that fascination on He Tian’s part had been rather instantaneous. It may have very well happened during the fight between XiXi and MGS. Momo has shown that he didn’t follow any rules, and literally had a savagely pragmatic side to him (when he used a stone to hit XiXi). That was probably the moment when HT’s curiosity was aroused. He’s not used to seeing people like that.

The kiss scene is also very telling. From the easiness with which He Tian invades personal bubbles of the others, we can surmise that he thinks it’s no big deal, and if it’s no big deal to him, he literally thinks it’s the same way for everyone else. As I mentioned before, he’s used to people being willing to “give in” to him, hence he seems to have a mindset that he can take whatever he wants (like a spoiled brat, haha) and that nobody ever would mind — precisely because they are willing to begin with. This fails with MGS. Not only he reacts violently, he begins crying. That’s absolutely not the kind of reaction He Tian was expecting; you can blatantly see it written all over his face. He even asks Momo if he finds HT disgusting.

I believe that’s when He Tian actually felt a pang of guilt for his doings. The way Mo Guan Shan reacted is extremely human and understandable. Someone he DESPISED came up and forcefully pushed their tongue into his mouth, forced him into a kiss that is by all means just another taunt or a joke, not to mention that by the looks of it, it was his first kiss — something that in many cultures is considered to be nearly sacred. And He Tian probably for the first time in his life experienced a rejection. He wanted someone who didn’t want him, and there’s nothing his cool reputation or money could do about it. He also realized that he disgusted somebody — also something new to him. The novelty of it all, the unexpected guilt — these are the new feelings in his otherwise stale daily life. Mo Guan Shan made him experience something dramatically different.

Another point is that there are rather obvious parallels drawn between Momo and that puppy He Tian used to care for. He saved that puppy from a violent mountain torrent and nursed it back to health, just like he saved Mo from She Li and the angry mob later. He Tian’s failure to protect that puppy from “death” (like He Cheng made him believe) is one of the unresolved issues of his past, which he tries to rectify (or I should rather say, prevent from repeating itself) with Mo Guan Shan. Subconsciously he might be projecting that dog onto Mo Guan Shan, although he seems to be very much aware of his own associations, as he calls Momo his puppy.

During the time He Tian spends taunting and forcing Mo to do stuff, he learns things that make him admire Mo. Like Mo’s refusal to sugarcoat his attitude, the fact that he’s shouldering a heavy financial burden, that he’s actually extremely hardworking, that he has pride and doesn’t entertain shallow ideas of being someone’s monkey on a display even for a princely reward. He Tian discovers traits that he likes. He Tian discovers that under that hard-shell hides someone very honest and raw.

Lastly, if you think about it, Momo and He Tian are somewhat very similar: both of them have been marked by isolation. Mo has been ostracized because of his father’s imprisonment, and grew up being mistreated by likes of She Li and possibly looked down on due to his poverty. He’s withdrawn into a shell out of fear of being hurt, and he the way he views others is marked by suspicion and trust issues. He’s used to people acting nasty to him and, as sad as it sounds, to Mo this is a normal occurrence. What’s abnormal and suspicious is when somebody pulls a random act of kindness on him. And that’s what makes him think “why? what’s their agenda? what’s the catch?”. He Tian, on the other hand, is isolated because of his money and family influence. People who surround him are sycophants, those fangirls and fanboys, whereas in reality not only they don’t care for who he is, they probably wouldn’t even believe if he admitted to being a broken bird. Cause that’s unfathomable, right? Someone who has been born with a silver spoon in their mouth cannot be unhappy or hurting or alone. On top of that, he also has experienced his trust shattered, by his older brother, no less. He feels betrayed. He Tian is just as lonely — if not more — as Momo. So I guess that makes them — two coyotes from the same hill? Or how that Chinese “two peas in the pod/birds of a feather flock together” saying goes, haha. But even still, Momo has something that He Tian never had: someone to love and fight for (Mo’s mom), a home where he’s cherished. I think on subconscious level He Tian craves that, and Momo enables him to vicariously live that life he never had. Does it even make sense? xD

At which point He Tian’s playing around grew into something more serious? I think the kiss episode was akin to a bucket of cold water doused over He Tian’s head that made him reconsider some of his ways. What really triggered his desire to help MGS was probably the plot devised by She Li and the consequent fight. It may have made him suspect that MGS with his financial issues is far more vulnerable to shady vultures than he initially thought and that MGS is walking on an edge here. A little push to the wrong side and he would end up in deep shit. It’s after that fight that He Tian realizes how much Momo is shouldering by himself, and it’s then when we see him try helping him, like getting him a part-time job in that photography studio. Incidentally, it’s also when he’s started to find out Momo’s other sides. Like him being industrious, or unwilling to entertain an idle crowd of onlookers, etc.

Undoubtedly, He Tian’s feelings grew after the mob fight, where Momo got badly injured. We actually see him scared of losing MGS. Not to mention his consequent visit to his father — well they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s also clear to me that Momo’s display of care (during He Tian’s nightmare) had a big impact on HT. That’s when his violent tendencies of forcing Mo gradually fizzled out and became a lot more playful.

So all in all, He Tian probably started to gain feelings once he realized that Momo had his reasons to act like a delinquent, and that underneath it all there lay a person with integrity, who had been simply disenchanted by life and the circumstances that befell on his shoulders.

Whelp, that’s again a long-ass post. These are but my speculations and I don’t aspire for it to be 100% accurate, but I think I jammed in most of my ideas here.

#19 days #tianshan #he tian #mo guan shan #ask #old xian #q&a time

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cilliansaccent · 5 years ago

Text

The Peaky Designer - Cillian Fanfic, Chapter 20

Hello, welcome back. Below is the next instalment of my fanfiction!

Leave a like or a comment if you liked it, or if I can do anything better! Please, it would mean the world and to understand if anyone is enjoying my writing. Also, sharing/reblogging would be even better.

PLEASE READ:

I will not be including Cillian’s family as it’s kinda weird since he has children lmao. Just a mention of his parents and a previous lover.

I will indicate in a chapter if there is smut in the beginning and before the actual scene!!

I will add trigger warnings if there is any!!

There is a variety of levels of swearing during a chapter, I will not hold back, everyone swears.

The timestamp for the Fic is now 2016 and onwards!!

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Background: Gabrijela Babic is a Croatian girl from Sydney, Australia. She is born in the year 1991 on the 24th of December. She studies a Fashion degree in a University with a major in Game Design as well. Her teacher in the fashion designer class managed to nail an Internship on the set of Peaky Blinders with the shows very own Costume Designer, Allison McCosh. There, she travels to London for under a year to learn how to be one, working alongside the actors as well the man she admires, Cillian Murphy. But, her platonic feelings for the man begins to grow into something more, and she wonders whether she should pursue them or let him go for fear of her strict parents and her three older brothers…

Characters:

Swantje Paulina as Gabrijela Babic (swalina on Instagram)

Cillian Murphy

Word Count: 4,972

!!Warnings!!: None!!

Date: February 2017

Chapter Name: Disaster

Brief Chapter Outline: Her Sunday gig went fine till Lucia came along and spilled some information to Leo, Gabrijela’s brother. The next day Gab faces off with her parents about who she’s been seeing with. It ends badly...

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It came around to her Sunday gig and tonight it seemed more people had joined in the club.

"God! I've never seen this place so packed!" Maya said as they were readying themselves on the stage.

"Literal madhouse." Ben nodded as he plucked his guitar to tune it.

Gabbie giggled and glanced up, Cillian was seated right at the front, drinking his favourite beer. He raised it and gave her a smile then mouth 'I love you'.

She blushed and repeated it in the same manner before it was time to start the show. They played mostly rock again this time, replaying some fan favourites from last night.

Cillian watched from his vantage spot since he had to move now as people crowded around the damn stage to dance and take photos. He was unable to see his love so he stood a little farther back drinking his beer. He took some photos but not much, he liked to remember the moment and not have a phone to aid him in remembering.

He was minding his own business when someone brushed up against him, "Hey, Cillian."

Glancing over, Cillian frowned and moved away. The girl was dressed in a leopard patterned tube top with a matching mini skirt that really was sitting at the edge of baring her ass. She had curly black hair and eyes that seemed to gobble him up and readying him for sex.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" He did not like how the girl had come on to him so strongly, and she stayed way to close for comfort.

"What? How can you not know me?" She looked totally hurt. "Lucia. You know, Gabbie's only best friend in this whole fucking world." She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

"Ah... Yes. Lucia. Hi." He kept his guard up, he wasn't going to let this girl do anything to him. He remembered when Gab had told him what happened between Logan and Lucia.

"Hi. No how are you? Wow, thanks. I'm fine." She raised a brow. "You gonna get me a drink or should I stay here looking like a moron?"

Cillian was in total shock as to how she was acting. Rude and pushy. He never really came across anyone like her and so he stuttered when he tried to speak. No use.

"Of course. I know. I am so fucking gorgeous, I know that's what you are thinking and why you are so dumbfounded and not speaking. So, I shall forgive you for that." She touched his arm and gave him a smile that made him shiver. "Oh? You liked that?" She had backed him to a pole and he frowned.

"I don't. Please stop touching me." He had set down his empty beer glass and gently pulled her hands off him.

"What? You like, shivered so of course, you liked that." She went to reach for his shirt and he grabbed her wrists.

"Stop. I will call the security to kick you out. Now leave me alone, please." He stayed entirely calm.

"What's happening here?" Gabbie asked as she weaved her way through the crowd.

Cillian hadn't seen them finish and sighed, "Nothing. I was telling Lucia to leave me be."

"Shall I call the security?" Gab asked as she stepped to his side, locking her arm around his. She looked at Lucia, no hint of emotion.

"No! Oh my god. I wasn't doing anything at all, how can you think that? God, I missed you!" Lucia went to go hug Gab but she threw her hand out to stop her.

"What is wrong with you?" She asked with a deep frown.

"What? Nothing is wrong. I miss my bestie! Can't I hug you?" Lucia placed her hands on her hips.

"No. And I am not your bestie. I'm nothing to you. Now leave us alone, I don't want to see you at all." Gabrijela tugged Cillian away as Lucia watched them go with pure anger and hatred shining in her eyes.

"Sorry about that." Gabbie said as they came to the bar.

"No, no. Don't be sorry. Not your fault." Cillian leaned down and kissed her forehead. "What are you gonna have?" He asked her as he pulled out his wallet to pay.

"Uh. Nothing if you're paying." Gabbie placed her hand over his. "I got this. I swear."

"No, please. You've been playing all night. Let me treat you to something." He held her hand and smiled in a way that would so make her comply with him.

She groaned, "Fine. Only cause you're cute." She giggled and he ordered her a mocktail.

"I'm gonna head to the men's toilet, you good here by yourself?" He asked.

"Yep. I'll wait here." She kissed him softly and he slipped away.

Gab stood there, sipping her drink and enjoying the atmosphere. Until someone stepped up beside her.

"Who was that?" Leo, Gabrijela's brother, the youngest of the three older brothers she had.

"Wh- Leo! Hi, hello. Who was who?" Gab raised a brow. Her heart instantly kicked in fast mode, no one in her family knew she was dating a guy. Especially a much older guy who had knocked her up now.

"Gabrijela. The one you kissed." He raised a brow, dark eyes bore into hers in that familiar overprotective instinct.

"No idea what you are going on about. You must've mistaken me for another couple beside me." She turned away, facing the bar as she twirled her glass.

He muttered a curse word in Croatian and was about to tell her off when Lucia wedged herself between them.

"Hi, Leo. Nice to see you again." She battered her eyes at him.

"Lucia." Leo wasn't fond of Lucia one bit.

Gabrijela was getting worried now. She wasn't ready to tell her family that she was dating Cillian and Lucia was here now... Oh fuck.

"Has Gabbie told you the good news?" Lucia smiled wickedly at Leo.

"What news?" His brows furrowed.

"Jeez, she's been real secretive now, huh?" She turned to Gab. "Go on. Tell him."

"There is nothing to speak about. Now get lost, Lucia. I have no idea why the fuck you are here." Gab was going to lose her shit. She truly hated Lucia. She ruined her life and she wasn't going to let her do it again.

"Oh my god. Fine, I'll tell him." She sighed and rolled her eyes and turned to Leo, "She's fuckin' Cillian Murphy. You know, the dude from Peaky Blinders. Plays Thomas Shelby. The super old guy." Lucia dumped the news on Leo. "They practically fucked the first night she was in London, I saw it when I was speaking to her-"

Gabrijela snatched someone else's drink and used her own to just dump it on the bitch, "You son of a bitch! Stop ruining my life!" She screamed, totally losing her shit now.

Lucia screamed out and faced her, and gave one mighty shove which made Gabrijela hurtle backwards with Lucia on top of her.

Cillian saw it all unfold as he had arrived over and he and Leo jumped into action and yanked off the screeching woman off Gabrijela who almost clawed her face off.

"Fuck you! Why can't you see I'm helping you?! I am your best friend! Forever!" Lucia hollered as a security guard came over to drag her dumb ass out.

Gabrijela was in shock as Cillian's arms came around her and helped her to her feet, "Holy shit. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" He did not let her go.

"I need air." She whispered to him as she held on to him for dear life.

"I got you." He whispered gently as they walked out of the bar and away from the people to a bench along the street a little way down the path.

Gabrijela sat and took in deep breaths, her hand subtly on her tummy as she calmed her nerves.

"What the fuck was that, Gab?" Leo had found them outside and wasn't too happy. "Talk to me now."

"Excuse me, it's clear she needs a moment, whoever you are." Cillian stood and kept himself between the guy and Gab.

Leo glanced at him, "She's my fucking sister. I need to talk to her."

"Give her a moment, then you may," Cillian repeated with a much more clear and authoritative tone.

"And who the fuck are you? You the guy that's fucking my sister? Huh? Are ya?" Leo was getting up into his face now.

"Leo. Fuck. Off." Gabrijela looked up, "Seriously. I do not want to talk to you right now. I need to be on my fucking own." She stood and began to walk down the street.

"Don't you talk to me like that, I need you to come right back here! Now!" Leo shouted.

"I said leave me alone! Do you not get that? LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!" Gabrijela shouted back.

Cillian was at her side and arm around her, "Hey. Relax. Come on. Let's go back to my hotel yeah?"

"Oh hell no she isn't. She's coming back home with me. Mum and Dad want to talk to you and I think I know what it is." Leo's eyes focused on Cillian now.

Gab saw the look and felt sick suddenly, then threw up all over her brother.

"Gah! The fuck!" He stumbled back as he glanced at himself then at Gabrijela. "You go back with him, Mum and Dad are gonna be so mad."

"Don't care." Gab stayed close to Cillian as he hailed a taxi and they got in.

"Gabrijela, come on- Fucking hell get out of that taxi!" Leo yelled as he watched the cab drive off.

Gab wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head. "My god." She whispered.

"That was a mess," Cillian said, placing a hand on her thigh gently.

"It was." She murmured and leaned against him some more.

They reached the hotel finally and her phone had not once stopped buzzing from Leo or her friends. She replied to her friends she was okay and not to worry much. She sat on the bed as Cillian prepared a bath for her in which she was grateful for then undressed and eased into the warm water.

Cillian stayed close, "Want me to put music on?" He asked as he stroked her hair gently.

She glanced over and nodded, "I'd love that. And... Is it okay if I could be alone for a bit?" She murmured softly.

"Of course my love. You can take as long as needed." He leaned over and kissed her lightly and set the music up, turned the lights low which she was eternally grateful for and she was alone. She sunk back into the water a little and soaked up the oils and scents.

Tonight had gone good and then ended badly. Lucia had once again ruined her life and she had not expected Leo to be there. And what the fuck did he mean by Mum and Dad wanting to talk to her about? She thought hard and... Maybe... Oh god. Gab felt panic rise in her but she tried to push it away.

She had to find out tomorrow whether she liked it or not.

-----

Cillian had been the best to her all night and all morning. He had made sure she was comfortable, happy and well-fed. And by fed not just by food.

Gab flopped back on the bed beside Cillian. She was grinning, she had ridden him for most of the fuck session which his morning wood had woken her.

"God." Cillian looked at her, his smile wide, "You really take the breath out of me." He reached over and cupped her face.

"Do I now? Is that good?" She rolled over and placed a hand over his chest, fiddling with that fine hair.

"I think so. Or it's showing how old I am getting." He chuckled softly.

"Nah. I think you just haven't had someone like me." She leaned in and kissed him deeply.

"Mm, true." He murmured as he turned to pull her close to his body. He made to move on top of her to continue but her damn phone rang. Again.

"Ugh." Gabbie groaned as he laid back as she sat up and padded to her bag. She pulled out her phone and cursed.

"Who is it?" Cillian sat up, his back to the headboard.

"My Dad. And Mum. Called me like eight times." She let the phone ring to the end. Then listened to the voice message.

"Hi, Gabrijela. I've been calling you all morning now and you are not picking up. Leo informed me of who you got into the taxi with and you need to come home right this instant. We need to have a chat of what you have been up to and what you have been hiding from us. Get home now."

She rolled her eyes. Her dad was very pissed off. She listened to her Mum's.

"Hello, darling. Please pick up I want to know if you are safe, that is all. Your father is cursing up a storm here and it would be good of you to at least call one of us. Please come home, we need to discuss some things."

Gabrijela knew her mum was trying to be nice but she knew she was very disappointed in her. She sighed, "I have to head home, Cillian."

"Your parents?" He frowned as she began to dress.

"Yep. I am going towards a war zone right now. I need to mentally prepare myself." She had hoped nothing bad would go this arvo. She had plans for tomorrow with Cillian as it was Valentine's day. A surprise for him and she was quite excited about it. She had done the organising yesterday morning when they lazed around in bed.

"And you have to go now?" He asked as she came to the bed and sat down.

"I do, sadly. I'm sorry Cillian." She frowned and took his hand, "I don't want to but for the sake of my parents... I must." She let out a sigh through her nose.

He squeezed her hand, "Okay. I'll figure something to do today." He smiled, "I love you. Call me later if you can?"

"Always. Also, be ready by ten tomorrow morning." She leaned over and kissed him deeply.

"Why?" He returned it, moving closer.

"Can't tell you. It's a surprise." She giggled and patted his cheek as they kept kissing and she was the one to pull away. "Bye-bye. I love you forever, Cillian." She murmured and he watched her leave the room.

Upon arriving home, she was glad her parents were not home and had gone to work. She spent time with her niece Tijana and her sister-in-law Tatiana who was married to Leo. She had spoken to Tatiana about what was to come tonight and she was happy that her sister-in-law was supportive.

"Leo was all mad." She said as they sat outside in the backyard, Tijana playing with her toys.

"I bet he was." Gab sighed as she took a drink of her coffee. "He yelled at me last night after Lucia attacked me and demanded me to go home. I seriously did not want to go home."

"You stayed with that man? What is his name? What is he like?" She asked with a small smile.

"I did. His name is Cillian." Gabrijela found herself smiling at the thought, "He is the most amazing man I've ever met. We got so much in common, we always have something to talk about. He cares for me, knows my likes and dislikes... He knows me very, very well."

Tatiana watched her and could see the pure love radiating off her, "You love him?"

"I am. So, so, so deeply in love with him. I cannot think of myself with any other person but him." Gab whispered, "I am unbelievably happy, Tatiana. I really am. I've never been in such a good mind before. He makes me crazy."

Tatiana laughed, "And... How old is he? I don't want to judge you or anything but..."

"He's forty-one this year," Gabrijela said softly.

"Wow. Uh... Yeah. That's a big gap. Mum and Dad don't know how old he is, don't think Leo has figured that out yet." Tatiana said. "Though, is he good though?"

"Good in what?" She raised a brow.

"You know. Sex! You must be having sex with him, right? Or is this just a no sex relationship?" Tatiana giggled.

"Of course I am having sex with him! Ugh, he is amazing. Like holy crap amazing. I'm always breathless afterwards." They both laughed and Tatiana beamed.

"And he treats you good?"

"Always. Trust me. He treats me good in many ways, not just in bed." Gabrijela blushed.

The girls spent their day in the backyard before it was time to head inside.

Then it was the sounds of hell rattling down the road and her fathers truck pulled up and parked in the driveway beside the house. Gabrijela was stressing when her mum came home soon after her dad had walked in. The usual discussion of how was his day and making coffee for him then for her mum.

It was about an hour that had passed, Leo home as well when Gabrijela came to the table with her family. She sat at the head of the table for a first and knew she was in for a ride tonight. The worst kind.

"Why didn't you come home with me last night, Gab?" Leo started.

"With the way you spoke to me, no way," Gab said bitterly.

"So you went back with that man? Is that where you went?" He asked.

"Yeah. Back to his hotel room cause I wasn't feeling well and stressed out, Leo. I got attacked by Lucia and almost had my face ripped off!" Gabrijela raised her voice.

"What happened now?" Liljana, her mother, asked with wide eyes. As if this was new to her.

Gab stared at her brother in shock, "You left that bit out? Yeah, Lucia attacked me after she was pestering me all night. She's a damn psycho. I poured wine on her to shut her damn mouth up." Gab shook her head.

"Yeah to shut her up from telling me that Gabrijela is dating a man. Who I know is an actor and a much older actor. I've seen him in that show I've been watching with Gab." Leo bristled.

Gab glanced between her parents, "Fine. Yeah. I've been dating a man who I am very much in love with, alright?"

"How'd you two meet?" Her mum asked.

"When I was overseas doing that internship for the show Peaky Blinders. He's the main character for that show, I had to prepare his costume for each day and help him dress and all that." Gab explained. "We talked. Got close but not close enough since I was with another guy, Logan. Though I had a bad falling out with him as Lucia had come to see me and she slept with him. After that, Cillian, the guy I am now dating, was there for me when I needed someone. And it... Just happened. We clicked after that and now we are inseparable." Gabrijela explained the best she could.

"And how old is this man, Gab? Hm?" Her dad now chimed in.

Gabrijela swallowed. This was it, "He is turning forty-one this-"

"Forty-One?! Gabrijela what is wrong with you? He is too old for you! No! I do not allow this stupidity of yours. You cannot see this man anymore. Whatever it is, it will not last. You are so young, you can do so much better!" Her dad yelled with anger.

"I love him, dad! I am not going to throw all that away just because you don't like it!" Gabrijela was beyond angry now. She was hurting.

"No! You do not know love. You got no experience in what is love. This man, clearly only using you because you are young and agile. He will not want you in a year or two. Do not make a fool of yourself, Gabrijela." Nikola shook his head, "Unbelievable. I thought I raised you better."

"Darling. We only want the best for you and this is not what we had in mind. Please, do not hurt yourself for such an old man. Really? Could you not have found anyone else?" Her mother tried to soothe the pain.

Gab felt tears in her eyes, "No." She pulled her hand back from her mothers, "Cillian is the one. Whether you like it or not. I will continue to be with him-"

"No, you will not. I forbid you from seeing him. If I see you with him I will make sure he-"

"What will you do, huh, dad? You gonna punch him? Ruin your daughter's life just because you can't accept my decisions? You never accepted anything I did. I had to always do what you both wanted me to do. I never got to choose what I wanted. I'm twenty-five years old. I can decide what I do with my life, not you. Not anymore." Gabrijela stood up.

"Not under this roof you don't. I make the rules here, Gabrijela! I do, and you better fucking listen to me." Her father snapped which made her wince.

"Nikola! Don't swear-" Her mother tried to calm him down.

"Yeah? And if I don't? Huh? What are you gonna do, huh? You can't do shit to me, dad." Gabrijela now faced off with her father.

"You will not speak to me like that. I am the leader of this house and you are to follow them. I don't care if you are twenty-five. That does not matter to me. What matters is you living under this roof and you making an absolute fool of your life. You are wasting it! What will happen when he is sixty? Huh? Like me, old and wrinkly. Will you still sleep with him? Hm? Will you still kiss him and be with him when you are in your prime life?"

"You don't know me as well as you do, dad. I love him and I will love him to the end of my fucking life. You better accept it because I will not change anything to suit your wishes. My life dad. My problems." Gabrijela kept her ground. She would not be trampled on like this.

"Enough! Stop it. Gabrijela you are not listening to us. You-"

"Oh, I am listening quite clearly. That's all that I've been doing my whole damn life. I'll take in your considerations but I will not put them into motion. I love Cillian, I will be with him and you have no way of stopping me."

"Get the fuck out of my house then," Nikola said, nothing but rage and spite in his voice.

"Nikola, you will not kick out our daughter," Liljana said.

"Tata, don't do this." Leo seemed afraid and shocked now as how much this had escalated.

"Shut up. She can leave if she wants to do whatever she wants. I do not want to see it then. Pack your shit and get out." Nikola slammed his hands on the table which made everyone jump.

Gabrijela let her tears fall as she stared hard into her father's eyes. "I want to know one thing though," She whispered, "How did you find out?" Gab never posted anything online whatsoever.

It was her mother who replied, "Lucia had told us this morning when Leo mentioned it to us. We did not believe him but when your friend-"

"She is not my friend. I hate her. She is a scumbag. And so, what she tell you exactly huh? Come on, tell me." Gab urged. Her heart hurt.

"She said that you were being taken advantage of some old man and seemed lost by his charms. We are worried that you might be but we can help you get out of it." Her mother said with pure worry.

Gabrijela laughed with no emotion, "Wow." She said shaking her head with utter disbelief, "Just... Wow. So you would take her word rather than mine?"

"It's not like that," Liljana said quickly.

"It clearly is. She's lost her mind, mum. She is becoming obsessive over me. I am not her friend no longer. It truly hurts to know you took her word than listening to your daughter. Really shows what kind of person you are. I'm glad I'm being fucking kicked out." Gab turned and then ran upstairs to her room. She grabbed her suitcase and began to pack her clothes in. Then her duffle bag for more items as books, chargers and her laptop.

"Gabrijela, don't listen to him. Stay. Let us work this out." Her mother had come up to see her.

"No." Gab shook her head, unable to stop her tears or her sobs. "I'm going to leave. I don't need this shit in my life right now. I really don't and you standing there staring at me as if I am some fucking failure isn't helping either." Gabrijela looked at her.

"Swearing isn't nice," Liljana said, arms crossed.

"Nor is kicking out your daughter which you clearly support. It's cool. I'm glad I've been kicked out. Don't have to be fucking trapped in this shit hole." She shoved as much as she could. She was surprised she had taken well over half her wardrobe.

"Gabrijela-" Her mother started.

"Move." She sauntered past her and headed down the stairs. She grabbed last bits and pieces as well as her car keys and dumped her shit in.

"Gabrijela come on. Don't be like this." Her mother raced out after her.

"Don't try and make me feel bad. This is your fault. Not mine. I feel bad for Tijana living in this house. I hope Tatiana and Leo get out before they're corrupted by your bullshit." Gabrijela did not listen to any more accusations her mother threw at her and she drove off.

Gab drove into the city, messaged Maya that she was using the car spot for their apartment for unknown lengths of time. Maya mentioned they had hidden the key in the walled-off spot if she needed the apartment to herself. She thanked her but she wasn't going to use it. Just needed a place to leave her car without paying stupid fees.

She grabbed her shit out and dragged it to the main street and headed to the hotel where Cillian was staying. It was already dark and she wasn't a fan of walking the streets alone in the city but thankful the hotel was in view.

In the foyer, she sat on a couch and called up Cillian.

"Hey, love. How are you?" Cillian's voice made her instantly better.

"Not okay. I'm in the foyer. Can... You get me? Please?" She asked in a small voice.

"Of course. I'll be there in a moment." He hung up and some minutes went by and he was there walking to her. "What is all this?" He frowned before she ran to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. His arms automatically wrapped around her as he held her as she cried into his chest.

When the sobbing subsided, Cillian helped her up to his room with her suitcase and duffle bag. Then they laid back on the bed, her head on his chest and her explaining what had happened.

"God... I am sorry, Gabrijela. I really am. I can't believe they would treat you like this." Cillian was in total shock as to how she could be kicked out. Just for dating someone.

"It's fine. Not your fault. They just can't fathom their daughter dating someone who is twice her age. I really don't care about the age gap, Cillian. I'm just hurt that they couldn't see how I am in love and happy for a change. It's always been their way and no other way." Gab sniffled.

Cillian stroked her hair. He could see her parents point but to kick her out for her decision? Unacceptable. "Parents should always be there." He murmured more like a spoken thought.

"I wish they were, Cillian. God, I can't even imagine now to tell them of the pregnancy." She felt fear shoot through her. There was no way she was going to live in that house ever again.

"We'll do that together if you want." Cillian offered and she looked up.

"You want to?" She cupped his face.

"I'd love to. I want to be there for you and support you. I don't want you to be alone." He placed his hand over hers.

She smiled, "Okay... Well, I guess I'll wait until this cools down before we nail them with another shit storm."

"Not a shit storm. A miracle." He kissed her softly.

After that, she showered and put on a nice dress and he took her out for dinner at a restaurant he had found earlier that day. They ate good food and talked about baby things and when to tell his family as well. They would do it tomorrow morning and Gabbie was very excited. She loved his family to the moon and back.

They walked along the harbour, hand in hand. The night was warm but comfortable, they went to a bar for a bit then headed home to relax in bed and watch a movie together.

Gabrijela was only in her bra and panties as she fell asleep in his arms, despite the day being fucked, she was happy in her lover's arms. She was warm and safe and loved. That was what mattered to her. Cillian being with her.

#cillian murphy #peaky blinders #thomas shelby #fanfiction #cillian murphy fanfic

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quakerjoe · 5 years ago

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In the end, not even the Progressive Bernie Base showing up for Hillary in larger numbers than her own supporters did for Obama in 2008, could prevent the inevitable. A massively flawed candidate who failed to electrify the Democratic base and make the case to Rust Belt voters- why she is the better option than the Populist candidate spraying out anti-trade rhetoric.

Blame whatever you want. The blame rests squarely on all of us. But there is so many lessons to learn from the 2016 Primary and General Election. Populism and Progressive policy became the central topic. Healthcare is a right. The ultra-rich are KING in America, and they must be reigned in. Primary process should be more fair. Flowery platitudes aren’t enough to generate excitement for the poor to turn out, etc.

Literally ZERO of these lessons were learned. Even in the face of an ACTUAL Corona-virus pandemic, with over 30 million unemployed, more and more uninsured at the time of writing this- the Democratic party has done nearly nothing to fix the problems from 2016. Actually, in all my shock- they’ve made them worse. The Democratic party pulled every string it could. Bent over backwards to not only stop Bernie Sanders, but stifle Progressives and our policy agenda. All in an orchestration to crown their nominee just years after a 2016 lawsuit said the DNC can meddle how ever they like in their own “Democratic process”. All to push a man who did next to no campaigning in any states past South Carolina. A man who didn’t actually work for your vote, but instead- coasted on “Hope and Change” establishment nostalgia, for when times weren’t so chaotic.

So for pragmatism sake, let’s push all that aside for just one moment. We can debate all day about how “fair” Joe Biden’s path to the Democratic Nomination has been. But let’s view Biden on his own merits for his candidacy’s sake. What’s the incentive for Progressives to vote for Joe? Well- unless you’re sticking to the concept of the very first paragraph of this article, the answer is: There isn’t one.

If Hillary Clinton were a flawed candidate, Biden may just be the worst nominee in history. A long history of terrible behavior including coddling racists, racist behavior, repeated threats at slashing the safety net, warmongering for a devastating Iraq war that’s helped kill endless innocent civilians all based on a lie, the nomination of Justice Thomas and controversial treatment of Anita hill, the Obama administration’s failure to even pass a Public Option with a Super Majority government, while pushing a healthcare plan that was little more than barely a small step in the right direction.

Now- Biden stands as the presumptive Democratic Nominee, and with a sizable Progressive Bernie Base up for grabs, what has Joe Biden done to earn our vote?

Answer: Nothing. Well, at least nothing significant.

Three items come immediately to mind on what Joe Biden is doing to “reach left”.

1: Joe wants to lower the Medicare age to 60. By comparison, Hillary Clinton wanted to lower it to as low as 50.

2: Joe Biden wants to eliminate student debt for those making under $125K. By comparison, Bernie Sanders wanted to eliminate it universally.

3: Nebulously- Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders have created “working groups” on various policy issues focusing on education, criminal justice, climate change, immigration, the economy, and health care policy. As of yet, nothing has come of these “groups” on policy.

As the Primary was coming to a close, I as a Progressive- was completely open to Joe moving (not reaching) left on policy positions.

Overwhelmingly, if you ask Sanders supporters what they care about most, it’s Policy.

What will you do for the underprivileged working class people of America?

What will you do for my children and grand children facing a Climate Change future?

What will you do for your Mass Incarceration mess, ending the drug war, legalizing Marijuana, and freeing non-violent drug offenders?

What will you do for the upwards of 45K people who die each year because health care is not affordable?

The 67% of American bankruptcies being due to health care costs?

BUT. Sanders supporters also believe in principle. Consistency. History. Fighting for change. Decency. Human rights. We’re also majority young people (a group Joe Biden did not do well with). Perhaps these things could be talked out. But now there’s a bigger elephant in the room. One that establishment Democrats and Joe’s supporters are ignoring.

Joe Biden was credibly accused of rape.

Democrats spent months yelling about “Believing Women” during the Kavanaugh Confirmation hearings. Rightfully fighting for Christine Blasey Ford’s story to be heard- knowing it would be a fruitless task at the hands of a twisted Senate Republican majority. Now, establishment Democrats are making the media rounds with Biden campaign talking points with denials and every attempt to downplay Tara Reade as not a credible accuser, even as several corroborations of her story have surfaced, 1 of which was an archive video of who Tara Reade alleges is her mother discussing the issue with Larry King on CNN in 1993. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s campaign has it’s surrogates and supporters on news networks shielding Biden. Nancy Pelosi downplays the accusations, Kirsten Gillibrand (who helped cancel Al Franken) is downplaying the accusations. Alyssa Milano, prominent #MeToo voice, who made a performative appearance at the Brett Kavanagh hearings, now wants to “change the rules” on the movement in favor of a sort of ‘Due Process’- a process that many perpetrators cancelled by #MeToo never got, in favor of protecting Joe Biden.

What this means to me is that Democrats think it’s perfectly fine to be selective on who and who doesn’t deserve to be heard and taken seriously, based on who’s on your team. As if it should be that easy to just shed your principles like Snake skin, hypocritically protecting one predator, while gunning for another that doesn’t fit with you politically.

In 2016, I was perfectly fine voting for the “lesser evil”. Now that the party has loudly stated that not only does my values, principles, and policy demands for the poor and sick of America, not matter- I should fall in line with a candidate that has helped endless innocent people die overseas with America’s imperial military reach, helped endless people die at home because they cant afford a doctor, said that he has “no empathy” for young people- the same young people that have to live and suffer under the conditions of Climate Change while he’s dead and gone, sexually assaulted and violated multiple women, said that nothing will fundamentally change for the same rich people who are now gaining BILLIONS under pandemic conditions while their workers get sicker, if they’re even employed at all.

Moderate establishment Democrats and voters tell me that Trump is the number one threat. That we need to “vote blue no matter who”. Just how “blue” is Joe biden? Just how dissimilar is Joe Biden and his supporters from Trump and his following? For all of the cries of the “angry Bernie Bros” online, I see countless accosting and abusive discourse examples from Biden supporters calling any dissenters “Russian Bots”, or “MAGA Hats”. Being told that I’m somehow a Trump voter by default, for not immediately supporting Biden. All this when all I’ve ever seen from “the Bernie Bros” is aggressively holding smear artists to facts and truth in a thick environment of misrepresentation of Bernie Sanders and his platform.

So- Why shouldn’t Progressives vote for Joe Biden?

This Democratic party doesn’t give a damn about you. Nor does it care about Progressive policy. The party and its supporters spend all this time, smearing Sanders and his base as “Not democrats”, angry “socialists who want free stuff”, “How are you gonna PAY for it?!” etc etc, all while claiming to support SOME form of our policy, and then dropping it the second it doesn’t feel politically advantageous. This party threw everything it could into stopping YOU. With tactics like voter suppression, using a silly app suspiciously funded and supported by shady actors in Iowa, taking WEEKS to give final results, running Super PACs against Bernie and our movement, fear-mongering about Bernie when he did win states, gas lighting the public on “elect-ability”, using a literal pandemic against Bernie to guilt him into dropping out while attempting to blame him for continued spread of COVID-19, while they sent voters to the polls and we didn’t.

And after zero policy concessions, zero good will, repeated demands we fall in line after more than a year of being slammed and disrespected, showing up for Hillary Clinton and then being blamed for her loss anyway, which is inevitable again if Joe loses? Are we just going to keep allowing that? Just how long do we have to hold our noses, voting for Moderate do-nothing lite Republicans who would sooner see you die, than provide you affordable and universal healthcare, because a Billionaire would stand to lose money. Even NOW, during a Pandemic this party has done next to NOTHING to secure the livelihoods of American citizens, as more and more die, get furloughed, and cant pay their bills. All while Trump and Republicans take credit for pitching more common sense plans (even though they want to send us all back to work/school to feed the machine).

This- is the “resistance” party? THIS is the best we can do? Performative rage against a fascist clown while propping up an accused rapist warmongering corporatist with cognitive decline and previous racist tendencies? THIS is what the party keeps telling us we better support or be shamed as somehow supporting the “bad guy”?

Listen, #NotMeUs- this will never stop. This party will NEVER stop using us as a prop for our ideas and passion, then throwing us under the bus when they think they no longer need us. They cannot continue to be allowed to drag us further to the right with guilt trips and shaming. They will NEVER take you seriously unto you take serious action. We’ve been preaching about “action” this whole campaign. Why should that “action” stop in the ballot box? Have some foresight for just a moment and envision how this plays out in future elections, unless you stand up and make them WORK for your vote.

I, for one will not vote for Joe Biden. But I wont shame you for your vote, no matter who it’s for. Why? Because the party did a terrible job at earning -your- vote. I’d maybe only criticize you if you don’t show up at all. There’s so many down-ballot candidate who need support. Even if you leave the President box unchecked, at least show up for the other races.

But consider: There are other options that have been stifled for way too long. Perhaps its time we give them a shot, no? Green Party is running Howie Hawkins and a platform that is much closer to our principles that Biden would ever try for. Justin Amash just jumped into the race if you’re a little more on the Libertarian side. Jesse Ventura is also discovering running on the Green ticket as well. Just imagine Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura on the debate stage with Donald Trump? Popcorn for DAYS.

In order for us to be taken seriously, we must prove that we’re capable of holding the party accountable. Not voting for them is the ultimate accountability, and you get to keep your principles intact.

Now- to the ultimate argument you’d inevitably get: “You would be helping Donald Trump secure 4 more years”.

My response? You don’t have to bare the blame for that. You wont be at fault for Joe Biden losing any more than those who chose not to vote at all. It’s on the party to earn these votes. That’s how elections work. If you hate the candidate and don’t feel good about them as a person, why is it your responsibility to put them in office? To me- one of the most personal things a person has, is their vote. Not their dollars, or their Tweets. It’s checking a box for the person YOU chose to represent you. If that person doesn’t believe in hardly anything you personally believe in- why is it that they deserve your vote, again? How is it that they’re are somehow entitled to that vote? They don’t, and they aren’t. I’m looking at you too, Republicans.

In closing…

Progressives, I’m sorry to break it to you but- Medicare For All is not on the ballot. Taxing the rich is not on the ballot. Ending corruption and crooked politicians is not on the ballot.

But- ending a terrible two-party system IS on the ballot. Taking your personal vote back, IS on the ballot. In my opinion- the only wasted vote, is the one you were demanded in giving up to what you don’t believe in.

-LZ

https://medium.com/@legacyzero/why-sanders-supporters-should-not-vote-for-joe-biden-a9146bee189b

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americanredragger · 5 years ago

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Just in case you’re thinking of not voting Biden in November because of Clarence Thomas, a reminder of what we’re fighting to stop:

Trump RACED to get Kavanaugh in (who is even worse than Thomas), and the list of people recommended to Trump by the Federalist Society (who recommended Kavanaugh) for further SCOTUS Justices is even worse.

Put it this way: Biden has a non-zero chance of giving us someone we might agree with. I don't know what the exact odds are, but it doesn't matter. They're not zero; that's all that is relevant here.

Trump has a zero percent chance. Scratch that, he has a percent chance DEEP in the negatives.

I cannot possibly enumerate the number of ways the entire human race is fucked sideways, upside down, off a cliff, and thrown into the gas chambers if Trump gets reelected.

We. Cannot. Afford. More. Trump.

Another four years of this leadership will doom America, and quite possibly the world. It will be Trump Unchained. He will have nothing to fear, knowing he cannot be removed from office by impeachment, and he will have no reelection to guard for. He will be free to unleash every last twisted little policy his small dick syphilitic mind can conjure, and McConnell will jump at the chance to help him.

His anti-science and anti-environmental policies will ruin the whole planet for generations. There will be more kids in cages, if not worse. The Endangered Species Act will likely be axed (he's made it pretty clear from day one that he'd love to kill it, along with the National Park Service). World War 3? We'd be in it RIGHT FUCKING NOW if the gods didn't throw us one HELL of a saving throw with Covid-19. This is a man who believes that California is suffering from wildfires 1) because they didn't rake the forests and 2) because obviously this is divine retribution for standing up to him. This is a man who installs his family in every position he can find, and has left over half the top leadership of America unstaffed for his entire presidency. Much of his existing leadership structure is "Acting" leadership, thereby dodging Congressional appointment review. 26 (26!) credible rape allegations (I mean, Biden's bad but WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, TRUMP) last time I looked, an economy spent into long term doom to boost his short term polling numbers, the absolute clusterfuck of his COVID-19 response, the increased risk of physical violence to blacks, latinos, asians, jews, and LGBT folks, the encouragement of mass-shooter culture, and the encouragement of fascists, white supremacists, and literal actual Nazis, or would you like me to go further back than the last year?

I guarantee that Biden is nowhere NEAR that apocalyptic. We're not in the clear by electing him (he's still bad), but it's at least slamming ABORT on our self destruct sequence.

And if Trump gets reelected because of protest votes for a man with a BOOT ON HIS HEAD, it won't be me America will answer to. It'll be everyone else in the world for the rest of our history as a country. I voted Gary Johnson in 2016. Trump's first election is my fault. I helped enable this because I didn't realize the scale of the threat, and I thought a protest vote might actually do something considering it was a vote between two of the least charismatic candidates in modern American history.

I will fight tooth and nail to prevent that mistake from being repeated.

Never again.

We are facing off against the most insidious threat to our Republic since Woodrow Wilson declared the Constitution a "dusty artifact" and that he wanted to tear it up. We are doomed unless we reach with both hands for the most effective tools to stave off our doom.

Live today, fight tomorrow.

Make Biden a one term president, but first let's use him to make Trump a one term president (considering we blew our chance to make him a no-term president). Only then can we even begin to truly assess the damage Trump has caused, to say nothing of repairing it, which will be the task of our generation.

#biden #trump #thomas #clarence thomas #vote blue #vote blue no matter who #biden 2020

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nova-udunie · 7 years ago

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A word of advice

So, I thought I would share my two cents about the tumblr purge, as someone who’s blog got nuked.*

*disclaimer, I am not/was not posting anything illegal, just some regular porn once a week, properly tagged and warned for and for now I intend to keep the new blog completely safe for work

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sent me well wishes and advice since I’ve been back! You’re all sweethearts and I really appreciate your help!

Still, there are some things I want to tell you that you might not want to hear, but you should hear:

1. seeing the ‘account terminated’ page for the first time is what I imagine being kicked in the balls is like. There was no email, no warning, nothing. I had tumblr open at work, and by the time I got home it was just... not there.

2. I did write to support immediately upon realizing what happened. That was monday, the 19th, six days ago, and I haven’t heard back anything since. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, tumblr/staff made absolutely no public communications since the 18th.

3. I’m aware of that post going around that you should write to staff politely and you should get your blog back in a few days, and I would like to remind everyone that that post is from 2016. It is not recent.

4. In all the articles I’ve read, there was one example of a twitter user who claimed to have been reinstated after sending a ticket, but I think that was already going around by the time I was nuked and so, I’m not even sure if that had to do with the current purge, or was a result of something previous (I think it was a n*s*f*w artist, so they might have been dogpiled by antis, I’m not sure)

5. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but other than that one person I haven’t heard from anyone who actually got their blog back since monday?

6. This will sound like I want to strike fear into the hearts of the good people of tumblr, but let this be a wake up call for all of us: do not feel safe. I’ve felt safe. I’ve curated a dash for myself that made me believe that tumblr was a pleasant, accepting, safe place for all creators, and I’ve been wrong. Now that I signed up again and actually took the time to read the ToS and shit here’s the reality:

16. Termination

Either party may terminate this Agreement at any time by notifying the other party. Tumblr may terminate or suspend your access to or ability to use any and all Services immediately, without prior notice or liability, for any reason or no reason, including but not limited to if you breach any of the terms or conditions of this Agreement. In particular, Tumblr may immediately terminate or suspend Accounts that have been flagged for repeat copyright infringement.

Yes, you’ve read that right, tumblr can terminate your account FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON. And do you know what that also means? Tumblr is in no way obliged to reinstate your blog since there are no criteria for termination. None. Nada. If there needs to be no reason to get terminated, you can’t actually claim to have been wrongfully terminated. So yeah, I’ve sent in my ticket, I’ve explained the situation, but there’s literally no incentive/commitment on tumblr’s part of give it back.

8. Back up your blog and keep your eyes open for alternatives. Don’t let this be the only social media where you keep up with online friends. Exchange email, twitter, discord, whatever. Look into new platforms.

The first thing I did with this new blog was put my other social media contacts in the sidebar.

I’ve had a pillowfort account for a while now, but I never really used it before this (and they’ve been down for a day now anyway) but I’m sure as hell going to keep up with it after this. It might be in beta, it might be buggy, but I never want to see that ‘account terminated’ page again and feel like I’ve been cut off from all of you guys.

#tumblr #tumblr purge

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peevishmandible · 6 years ago

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It’s my Dad’s birthday today. I don’t even know how old he is. 63 I think. He’s a few months younger than my mum. I haven’t spoken to him since February 2016. That seems like not as long as it’s been - time doesn’t fly for some things I guess. I have a big run down of the last time he was here to visit. He acted a fool, kept me tense as shit, tried to let himself into my locked room several times without knocking and with very clear NON PERMISSION to enter, was exceedingly rude to me several times, hostile to me right in front of my husband, and fucked with my daughter’s head to the point that he made her cry and withdraw into herself. He swore at me before leaving and then pretended like nothing happened. He has since complained about me to my grandmother - and to his extended family I am certain because I’ve literally heard him doing that and LYING about me to them right in front of me when we weren’t even in this fucking break up and he had no reason to say the outlandish things he was saying. I want to write down every thing he’s done that I can remember. I really do, I want to do that here. I’m angry that that is seen as unfair and mean of me. I”m not the one who did those things, why the fuck is telling the truth so GODDAMN mean. Why is not keeping silent and hiding his shit for him my problem. A few years ago it was his birthday, and it was a Saturday. My mother texted me early in the morning to ask/tell me to call him. I mean some asks aren’t asks, you know? And I was foolish and guilty and I let the kids call him and wish him a happy birthday over speaker phone (I do let them call my mother and those calls are ALWAYS initiated by me because I feel like a total monster if I don’t do that at least once a month or so and the conversations are ALWAYS on speaker phone with my supervision because fuuuuuck that, I don’t want a repeat of him yelling at my daughter and mother for talking to each other again, the jealous, insecure, petty fucker.) So, I let the kids call him. He talked to them. I was so upset that my mother advocated for him instead of even asking me if it was ok or how it would make me feel - she was only as ever concerned with how HE would feel of course. I thought I was ok when it happened but see - Saturday was therapy day for me. I later had a fucking full blown flash back and panic attack in the office with my therapist. That shit? Isn’t fucking romantic. It’s embarassing. It’s DEGRADING especially with the therapist I was with. And god, when your therapist knows that you’re having this fucking break down and that you’ve got your kids waiting for you (with my husband of course, I never went to therapy completely alone he would drive me down and play w the kids at his office or take them to lunch) there’s always a fear of... are they going to let me walk out of here? Always. I went home and threw up. I got a migraine. I cried and had to take a bath to steam my fucking head out so I could breathe. I was WRECKED for the whole fucking day. I got a text from my mother that evening telling me how after our call my father and she went to the casino and had lunch and drinks and gambled, and then took my brother out to lunch, and that as she was writing this she was sitting on the porch with him watching the geese in the pond by their house. I spent the day shaking and struggling to breathe. I humiliated myself in front of my therapist. I spent the day in pain. While he got to go feel good about himself. I called her the next day and told her. Listen. Don’t you ever ask me to do this again. This is what happened while you were having fun - this is what you left me with. NO MORE. I don’t know how much she actually understands or cares. Because at a certain point a lack of understanding is a lack of care. But I’m never doing that again. A few weeks ago I got the kids to video call my mum. it had been seevral months since they’d had a chat, Dad was sleeping here, I figured it’s fine. And it was, you know it was alright. They were on their porch and they had their little dog with them and the kids sat in the office and showed off their dogs and it was fine. My dad sat with my mum and smoked... a cigarette? A joint? I don’t know. He laughed, he was kind and happy. He has a huge beard now. He has no teeth, they’ve all been removed. I don’t think he had them in but who knows I didn’t look too closely from my off screen vantage point. He looks old and very very fat, even though he’s always been - it hasn’t gotten better if it hasn’t gotten worse. It didn’t hurt me or panic me. It was strange to see. Lately I have been having problems when cooking or cleaning my kitchen. I hear him criticising everything. I imagine what he’d do and say if he were here - amalgamations of scenarios that have actually been and projections. I mean, really, abusive shit is boring and repetitive at it’s core isn’t it? I know it’s unhealthy but it’s also comforting in a way. Like girding my loins. Getting ready. Always ready for a fight, for defense. It’s exhausting and toxic is what it is. I know I should stop. It’s instruive though. I mean. The pain in my knees should stop, too, but it’s not fucking gonna. I can ignore it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. ANYFUCKIN’WAYS. Today is his birthday. I’m feeling more secure than I could. I know my brother’s birthday is coming up on the 30th as well (yep, we’re 22nd (me) 28th, and 30th. ISN”T THAT SPECIAL). I’m glad my brother lived to see his 33rd birthday. Hopefully he’ll live pas Jesus’ age and my father’s mother’s as well. I’ve spent the entire year certain I’d die. That’s been fun. Nights have been fun. Hhh. I wanted to send my brother a care package but we’ve been so tired, turned around by changes, busy with school and home life, and oh yeah went into fucking overdraft this month so. I didn’t send him anything. Now it’s too late. Maybe I’ll be able to send a card and something cute that is video game themed if I get to make it to the mall or somewhere fucking OTHER than the crappy under fucking stocked Walmart for once - but I’m not holding my breath. It just all makes me tired and want to go to sleep. Lots of naps. It’s safe to sleep during the day. Not practical. Not conducive to productive adulting. But safe! My birthday wish for my father is this - that he feels our loss. That it hurts. That it feels personal and that for one fucking flash of a goddamned second that he understands and wallows in the knowledge that it’s his goddamned fault. Coz I know damn well that for 99% of his fucking life he’s just glad I’m gone. He has his broken and utterly dependent son and his wife who is completely living to make his life as comfortable for him as possible. I’m not them, I never have been, and he hates me for it. I hope he hates himself just a tiny bit as much as I hate my own damn self today. Happy Birthday, fuck head. You’re right. I *AM* hateful, spiteful, mean-ful, and I don’t goddamn care if you don’t like how I do my fucking dishes. I’m never cooking for you again so who gives a fuck. I feel like the whole vilification of witches sitting over their cauldrons wishing for revenge is wrong. Not because witches don’t sit over their cauldrons angry and seeking justice. But because we are allowed to. Who the fuck says there is nobility in forgiveness and meekness. I don’t see it. Eye of newt, motherfucker. Feel the burn.

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mama-forum-ch-blog · 6 years ago

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Allison Ireland on Neuroweapons used on Innocent American Civilians - V2K

New Post has been published on http://mama-forum.ch/question/allison-ireland-on-neuroweapons-used-on-innocent-american-civilians-v2k/

Allison Ireland on Neuroweapons used on Innocent American Civilians - V2K

Dangerous neuro technology is being used to hack, control and torture innocent people around the world.

This is a factual statement you probably or may not believe this right now, but my hope is by the conclusion of this lecture in this evening you might be more convinced. I want you to imagine a world where people sit behind computers with security clearance and listen to your most personal thoughts, spy in your most private moments and actually control your mind and body.

This is not science fiction.

This is reality.

We would like to talk to you tonight about a program, a program of gaslighting where the aim is to discredit the target, make them look crazy and have them even question their own sanity. All free of fingerprints and sets a perfect plausible deniability for the perpetrators committing this crime.

Dr. Robert Duncan is going to talk to you factually about the technology and the possible intent of this program. I would also like to give my personal testimony to discuss the neural ethical implications of this horror, that crime and the human rights violations and discuss possible solutions that we can all implement together like neuro ethical human rights legislation. I’m not going to pretend to be any type of expert on this technology, this is why I’ve asked Duncan to present to you today, but like all the other victims hundreds to thousands around the world we have a story to tell many of you.

Invited tonight our neuro scientists, engineers, professors, students, technical local technology schools, the area as well as human rights groups and local Congress. Our hope is that you will find this information relevant, believable and help us to find solutions. You need to know that not only could this technology be used to drug, rape, torture innocent civilians around the world, it is being used to do so when it has possibly been used for decades.

I, Alison Amy Ireland, solemnly affirm that by all that is sacred and righteous that my testimony is given free without coercion and that this is the whole truth, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

I’m a 38-year-old businesswoman in medical sales and a mother of three small children.

On October, 2015, I began being harassed with something that is referred to as psychotronic microwave auditory hearing effect, silent sound which bypasses the ears v2k voices scholars synthetic telepathy, since then they have stolen the past three and a half years of my life. It started overnight, people talking in my head sometimes as loud as someone in the room next to me. They use standard scripts to traumatize and document response. In the very beginning they kept me up for days on end not eating, not sleeping, screaming the most horrible disgusting things you can even imagine, all day long, 24/7.

They would keep me up, they would sexually harass me, belittle me, stripping me my dignity as a woman. All of us experiencing this and I’ve spoken with dozens, possibly hundreds here exactly the same things repeated to us. We hear our voices, our thoughts repeated back. We hear voices of others responding to our thoughts, we hear them narrating what we’re doing throughout the day.

We literally do not have a private thought in our head or a private moment with our families. I want it to be on the record that I do not take any drugs – recreational or pharmaceutical and I have no history of mental illness or depression. Sometimes I have asked something that I don’t know the answer to, they will respond and I will look it up and I will find that the answer is correct, not only do they repeat what I say in my head but they will add colorful adjectives and edit my thoughts at times like Ewen Cameron developed back in the 50s.

I am subjected to automated messages psychic driving technique repeated over and over again on a loop. I know often it is AI in my head but I also sometimes feel like I hear actual people talking as well they use scripts to deceive and control sometimes, they will play music recite riddles. Sometimes you hear things as trivial as discussions on what they are ordering for lunch or how long their shift is, this is something I have personally been experiencing for three and a half years.

On January 2, in January 2016, on January 13th on my 35th birthday I was drugged for the first time with what I now believed to be a bio frequency used to generate a drugged state for almost a full year (nine months). I was drugged every other day. I’d go one day feeling completely normal organically like myself and then the next day like I ate a sheet of acid, this went on and off for nine months – one day on, one day off. One day on, one day off, then it just stopped completely. I was totally back to normal again with an exception for three very specific times when I was drugged remotely like a Pavlovian dog. When I tried to do something to raise awareness of what was happening, when I went to the FBI or when I organized a conference for victims to come together to figure out what was happening and figure out what we could all do together this is not how paranoid schizophrenia or any type of mental illness works. I have learned that MIT – the home of the US Army super soldier has developed such a drug delivery system. luckily I experimented with LSD in college only about four to five times, not enough according to medical experts for a flashback, but at least I know knew what I was feeling was a simulation of being on a hallucinogenic and that I was not insane. You want to tell your children just say no to drugs but then again, I feel like maybe they should experiment in college in case they get drugged remotely by the government or whoever does this to people. So, they don’t end up in a mental hospital. The rest of this is gonna sound crazy and I promise if it did not happen to me personally I would not believe a word of it, but I have also seen a hologram of a cartoon character in my room and I was raped once, was something that rocked her – Duncan refers to as no touch simulated rape through EEG heterodyning where you feel as though you were being sexually assaulted for trauma-based mind control, but no one is in the room with you.

Some victims are raped by this technology daily all day, these are all identical experiences that I have heard by countless other victims. I have also had what I believe to be manipulated dreams. I was told that it takes 90 minutes to fall into REM sleep, those of us on this cybernetic hivemind program will fall asleep and wake up, fall asleep within five seconds having a very vivid dream that seems like you’re watching a movie, either seeing things like being attacked by a bald eagle or looking in the mirror my eye becomes a camera lens or I pull a chip out of my nose that says USA or they show me such horrific things of my own family that literally makes me cry for weeks and makes me thank God that I am aware of what is happening and I know in my heart that is not my own subconscious and that I could never create something so horrific in my own mind.

Recently within the past year I have also been tortured with what I believe to be emotional manipulation. This has just been happening to me within the past year. Organically I made very happy up the outgoing person I normally just go on with my day then all of a sudden like somebody is literally turning on and off a light switch I start to scream and cry and shake uncontrollably while simultaneously the voices call repeats in my head “kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself” It lasts for about an hour and it feels and then some feels like somebody is literally just turning it off and I snapped back to normal when.

I asked why are you doing this, the beat UK voice in my head says we want you to know what they have been doing to people remotely for decades, the schmeared off-patent used by the CIA with subliminal in the 50s, using subliminal messaging to broadcast rage, fear and manipulate human behavior. As I mentioned I am NOT going to make any claims about this technology, whether I’m implanted with chips whether it’s smart dust nanotechnology or frequency done remotely. I will leave that to the experts. I just want to share my experience and the parallel experience of so many others around the world and talk about what we can all do about it together. A few other things that may or may not be relevant. I have been told that I might have been victimized by this technology, as nonsensical as it is because of my career in medical sales. I was with American Medical Systems who was then acquired by Boston Scientific when this first started happening selling neurologic with a neurologic implant I lost a really good job due to the attacks of being drugged every other day for nine months and having my performance suffer.

I struggled since then to get back on track professionally, hopping around to a few different companies. I have somehow been able to, though remain gainfully employed struggling every day to work through whatever I am going through, provide for my family and raise my three small children and in my limited free time do what I can to expose these crimes. I currently work for a company allergen pharmaceuticals selling Botox for overactive bladder, again in urology with a neurology, but Allegan does work in neurology and I have and has mental health medication, sales mental health medication as well, maybe this is relevant maybe it isn’t, but as a mind-control victim I question everything in my life, since many mentoring candidate victims are mind-control to believe that big pharma is doing it to them.

I’ve been told that my employment could have something to do with it, maybe I’m being set up. I do believe that the company I work for now does not realize that they may be profiting off victims of this technology and I’d like to find a way to credibly raise awareness someday with my employer. I believe every day I am helping people personally improve their quality of life with therapeutic Botox. So at this time I do not see an issue personally with my profession. I’ve also been told that I could be in this program because of my identical twin daughters or my Jewish lineage Josef Mengele and other World War two scientists did experiment on multiples. This was one of the first questions in the symptom survey. Bill Binney and Kirk Wiebe, some NSA whistleblowers that are helping us conducted back in 2017 are you a multiple paternal identical. I do believe this is relevant many people also believe that this illuminati or freemason association supposedly there has some connection with a monarch mind control style torture. They do Nazi Germany and this Illuminati group honestly I and I do think that many victims and perpetrators committing these crime actually do buy into this stuff, but honestly I think that it is irrelevant whatever excuse or justification people are making to torture other people, is irrelevant the point is that people are torturing other people with technology. They are remotely drugging, raping, torturing and murdering this is like Nazi Germany you know they were actually able to get neighbors to torture other neighbors, you know this is covert and done remotely but you know history does have a tendency to repeat itself. So, I think honestly the most important thing that we do right now is expose what is happening and try together to find solutions and establish neuro ethical legislation to protect our brains from being hacked. The first psychiatrist I ever went, she was named Wendy Olsen Mauro – The Hitchcock clinic in Hudson, New Hampshire’s. she set me on the right track, she said you do not have any mental illness.

Do you know anybody that works for the government? This was before I learned about this phenomenon and I thought this was such a strange bizarre question I saw her twice January 26 2016 and in February 24th 2016. I then got a bizarre phone call that she had died and I needed to see someone else. They sent me to another psychiatrist who has been pushing a medication that is actually made by the company I work for now, then I learned that the sales rep for the specific medication now has the job that I had when I first started getting tortured by this technology selling urologic implants at Boston Scientific, the year that I lost my job when I was drugged. Maybe this is all complete coincidence, but I felt like it was bizarre enough to mention and you know sometimes I do wonder if we are moved around like chess pieces for some sort of game that we don’t understand, also working and organizing and strategizing with this group of victims can be sat challenging for us all in itself.

This group of victims trying to organize and fight back, you know I believe we are mind-controlled not to trust each other so we don’t unite and work together. I’ve actually been told that my voice was used in the heads of others telling them that I for some reason am the one that is doing this to them. There is power in numbers especially in groups that are organized and productive. So, I believe that to keep us from being productive and fighting back they mind-control us to fight with each other or worse think that you know we’re doing this to each other.

I’m sure they are also hired infiltration to keep things unproductive as well. The point is that we need your help outside of this community of victims. It is important for anyone watching this to know that this event was not sponsored by a company or organization. It was sponsored entirely financed by the hard-earned money of a woman who was working to struggle through what she’s experiencing and finding a way to expose what is happening for her and her family and thousands of others around the world. The truth is I personally have no idea why I was targeted for this crime, maybe it is just a random cross-section of the population for experimentation.

I am an innocent hard-working taxpaying American who has committed no crimes. I was not an activist prior to being harassed by this technology. I know no one that works for the government and I have no enemies that I can think of. I had no reason to make this up and I want nothing more than to expose what they are doing to protect my children and to make a better tomorrow for everyone. My small children have also experienced this voice to skull technology specifically my son – aged seven.

This is documented at the pediatrician, when he was three, he came to me and my husband and said I hear a voice talking in my head “It said not to look mommy, but I didn’t listen because I love you. Two, three other times since then he has also come to me saying mommy they’re doing it to me again, they’re talking in my head. Per the advice of other victims I’ve gotten scanned by a private investigator named Melinda kidder at Columbia investigations in Columbia Missouri, she is the leading private investigator regarding these matters. Scans indicate elevated EMF frequency emissions coming from specific registered to academic institutions government agencies companies hired by government agencies, public broadcast stations, educational broadband services providers, broadband internet providers for collaborative research.

Many of us who have also gotten this scan have shown frequencies registers the same academic institutions, agencies and companies who could possibly be defendants in it. Supporter class-action possibly someday. I live in New Hampshire but the frequencies are registered to institutions and companies all over the United States and the victims of this growing crime are all over the world. I believe this is what was used to torture me with psychotronic sound and a bio frequency simulation to generate a drugged state by a remote signaling device, whether reliable evidence or not. A toxicologist named held a grand standing of Integrative Health Solutions also gave me a skin patched in hair follicle test that revealed evidence that I was being harassed by nanotechnology. My husband and my friends can all support my claim, the most important thing to me is to expose this to protect my family and victims worldwide. I’m sure you were also familiar with the recent story of the cute American diplomats in Cuba suffering the hearing loss from the sonic attacks.

My four-year-old daughter was born with something called auditory neuropathy. I believe there is a chance this also might be related. she was born with this crippling hearing loss right before I started getting tortured with this technology. I found clinical articles that show how low wave frequencies like the ones being admitted from me can damage the hair and the inner ear causing this type of hearing loss. She is crippled for life and forced to wear bilateral hearing aids. The Hoffer report on the diplomats did suggest that 30 to 40 percent of the diplomats did experience permanent hearing loss as well. I hired another investigator who has been able to dig further into the Federal Communications Commission database for frequencies found on me and I’ve also been able to obtain a full comprehensive list of companies and institutions, not only the companies and institutions but specific names, phone numbers and addresses of these individuals licensed to these frequencies. I have reached out to each and every one of them. I’ve done everything that I can possibly think of up to this point. I have been to the FBI, the State Police, the local police.

I went back to the FBI recently and this time instead of getting drugged like I was the first time, they actually did open an investigation for me and gave me a case number. I have emailed, called and sent certified letters to over a hundred civil rights class actions, personal jury, lawyers, but for whatever bizarre reason I have not been able to obtain anyone I have contacted, emailed or gone in person ACLU fusion center, DARPA and also desperately trying to get a meeting with my local Congress.

Most importantly my story is not unique and is trivial compared to the atrocities of so many others around the world by this remote technology. This is a silent crime as I said incomplete plausible deniability, the assailants, the victims are gaslighted mean to appear mentally ill. These crimes against humanity are so horrific and I feel these are the biggest threat that our society faces today. What we need is to raise public awareness, overall awareness and discuss neuro ethical human rights, legislation that we can implement to protect our minds from these attacks.

Please pay attention also when Duncan covers Project Blue Beam. This is the rumor you know and this is again conspiracy theory was supposedly leaked by NASA some sort of staged apocalyptic alien invasion, religious rapture using this technology. You know we know victims of this technology. The technology in place, subliminal mind-control voices in your head, holograms, a frequency that makes you feel like you’re on LSD, making you more susceptible as a subliminal mind control. So, all these tools in their tool bag. Right so this is of course a conspiracy you know but knowing that this technology exists, you know what if we were the guinea pigs, the pilot program. Before this is rolled out on the general public. I’m hoping obviously this is just a conspiracy theory, but literally knowing about this technology and what’s happening to people could literally save your life. what boggles my mind and obviously the minds of others is if the technology does exist. Right for people’s brains to be hacked remotely, why is there still crime? why does it seem that this technology is being used to torture innocent people driving them to homicide or suicide?

You know I want you to if you aren’t familiar look up the stories of people like Myron May, Aaron Alexis all of these mass shooters. Where it comes out after that, they had voices in their head that led them to do it. All of the suicides of the victims of this technology. The only conclusion I can think of as to ranged as the scenes is that maybe they want things to get as bad. So bad that we all accept 1984 Minority Report future without a private thought in her head or a private moment in our families, you know as a welcome order from the chaos that they might create hopefully again conspiracy theory today, we have invited 5,000 professors, students local human rights groups, bioethics groups, mental health professionals, local Congress in the general public, the ad in the globe.

It’s a circulation of 225 thousand. Myself as well as other volunteers have been being remotely tortured, have been tirelessly sending emails, handing out fliers, putting up billboards, organizing events like this. I have participated in dozens of symptom surveys and affidavit collection endeavors. Bill Binney and Kirk Wiebe and I say whistleblowers helped us collect data in 2017 in a symptom survey that we need help analyzing this data. These admirable whistleblowers along with Robert Duncan and many others are helping us expose these crimes, but we need more outside help we have all this data collected and we need experts like yourself to help us organize it and prevent it. Present it in a professional way, I’m also handing out a document that outlines an amazing neural ethical specific neuro specific Human Rights proposal by Dr. Marcelo ANCA and Dr. Roberto and Nardo. Obviously, I’m sure that these are probably all things discussions that you were having already in your neuro ethics and bioethics classes, but it’s important for you to hear our stories, hear our side, the testimonies of the victims.

The fact that you are here today is a step in the right direction, knowing that we have no cognitive Liberty, knowing that anyone anywhere can access, share, manipulate what’s in your brain at any time or worse torture you remotely is not okay. We are not Lab Rats. We are people who should have the right to cognitive Liberty, mental privacy, mental integrity, psychological continuity. So everyone around the world we need your help students of MIT professors and others watching future neuro scientists and engineers human rights groups in Congress. Please help us make tomorrow more bioethical than today.

Please if you’d like to get involved networking, correspond I will provide my personal email and cell phone to anyone. Dr. Robert Duncan has also said that he would provide his contact information, let’s work together, let’s figure out how we can help make things better tomorrow for our children.

That’s all I want to say.

Thank you

Allison Ireland on Neuroweapons – Targeted Individuals – Innocent American Civilians

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______________________________________________________________

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This video is to inform the public of electronic harassment, electromagnetic torture or psychotronic torture. Also know as gang stalking. The experiences of people who describe themselves as undergoing electronic harassment using esoteric technology, and who call themselves “Targeted Individuals” (“T.I.”) vary, but include hearing voices in their heads calling them by name, often mocking them or others around them (voice to skull – frey effect) as well as physical sensations like burning. They have also described being under physical surveillance by one or more people. Many of these people act and function otherwise normally and included among them are people who are successful in their careers and lives otherwise, and who find these experiences confusing, upsetting, and sometimes shameful, but entirely real. Their are news stories, military journals and declassified national security documents to support these allegations. The New York Times estimated that there are more than 10,000 people who self-identify as targeted individuals in the US alone.

Press accounts have documented individuals who apparently believed they were victims of electronic harassment, and in some cases persuaded courts to agree. In 2008, James Walbert went to court claiming that his former business associate had threatened him with “jolts of radiation” after a disagreement, and later claimed feeling symptoms such as electric shock sensations, and hearing generated tones and other strange sounds in his ears. The court decided to issue an order banning “electronic means” to further harass Walbert.

Here is a list of patents:

Apparatus and method for remotely monitoring and altering brain waves – US Patent 3951134 Apparatus for and method of sensing brain waves at a position remote from a subject whereby electromagnetic signals of different frequencies are simultaneously transmitted to the brain of the subject in which the signals interfere with one another to yield a waveform which is modulated by the subject’s brain waves. The interference waveform which is representative of the brain wave activity is re-transmitted by the brain to a receiver where it is demodulated and amplified. The demodulated waveform is then displayed for visual viewing and routed to a computer for further processing and analysis. The demodulated waveform also can be used to produce a compensating signal which is transmitted back to the brain to effect a desired change in electrical activity therein.

https://www.google.ca/patents/US3951134

Apparatus for audibly communicating speech using the radio frequency hearing effect – US Patent 6587729 B2 A modulation process with a fully suppressed carrier and input preprocessor filtering to produce an encoded output; for amplitude modulation (AM) and audio speech preprocessor filtering, intelligible subjective sound is produced when the encoded signal is demodulated using the RF Hearing Effect. Suitable forms of carrier suppressed modulation include single sideband (SSB) and carrier suppressed amplitude modulation (CSAM), with both sidebands present.

https://www.google.com/patents/US6587729

Videos

Allison Ireland on Neuroweapons – Targeted Individuals – Innocent American Civilians – V2K

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Dr Robert Duncan MIT Presentation Preview Neuroweapons American Civilians Targeted Individuals

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Articles

Dr Robert Duncan http://drrobertduncan.com/index.html

International Center For Abuse Against Covert Technologies http://icaact.org/

The Global Neuroethics Conference 2019: Neuro-Specific Human Rights Bill Proposal – Targeted Individuals The Global Neuroethics Conference 2019: Neuro-Specific Human Rights Bill Proposal – Targeted Individuals

WordPress.com #targetedindividuals https://en.wordpress.com/tag/targeted-individuals/

Twitter.com #targetedindividuals https://twitter.com/hashtag/targetedindividuals?lang=en

Twitter.com #Neuroweapons https://twitter.com/hashtag/Neuroweapons?src=hash

William Shatner Exposes Voice of God Weapons on The History Channel – Targeted Individuals

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poppyknitt · 7 years ago

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Thank you.

All of you have done so much good, I can’t even put it into words.

However, since I do have a bit of a story to tell, to sort of explain part of why I say this, and also to show how far I’ve come since I made this account, back in august, 2016, I will give you that.

In the last two weeks of March, 2017, I was given medications for my depression. To help them work, my anxiety medications’ dosage was halved.

The medications I was already on had a possible side effect of causing twitching, with symptoms similar to, but not unlike that of tic disorders like tourette syndrome and chronic tic disorder, so I might as well have just walked in and said “hey! why not fuck up my head a bit?” or something, because that’s basically the consequence of those six weeks of hell.

By the end, I couldn’t get through the day without at least one panic attack over my grades, band class, or a sudden inability to think anything but the repeating thought of “I can’t think, I can’t think, I can’t even fucking think!” (which is apparently a symptom of anxiety, so I literally was panicking over my own fucking anxiety-). So, that, and the fact that my adhd medicines (the other meds with that side effect I mentioned) weren’t working anymore, I was taken off of them before we could even see if they were helping me. That incident vastly increased the speed at which my anxiety has been getting worse, and on top of that, after only three or four weeks on them, I’d developed a tic that I would go on to blame on my adhd from then until I finally researched what tics actually were- A sort of thing triggered by immense levels of fidgeting that made me hand sort of... spazz out. I wasn’t, and still can’t control it. Thankfully, though, that tic doesn’t come up as much as the others I’ve developed over these past (almost) two years.

After that, in late august that year, a close friend i’d only met a few weeks before, in june or july, found my discord account, and started harassing me and another friend, because we were somewhat crushing on each other, and he also liked me. This is another thing I loosely refer to as “The Incident”, though, a lot of times, i just call it the Stalker Incident, because that’s what it felt like at the time.

My anxiety and depression tanked.

But that was also because that school year, although I tried to pull myself together to get it right, was the worst one of my life so far. My band teacher, whom I would later, in the late weeks of spring of this year, discover could be classified as an emotional/verbal abuser of not only me, but everyone in his classes, was finally in his second year of working at my school, and he was even worse than the year before. That was really bad to me, because I had his class two times a day, and, even, before the end of the first two semesters, in November and December, three times a day.

Basically, what he did to teach was he would constantly look for even the slightest of mistakes, and with the students who were unlucky enough to not be his favorites, a lot of times even just ignore whatever minor improvements you made. I was the worst affected, probably because I was already technically being physically and mentally abused at home (though, I didn’t know, and I still sorta deny that it was abuse at all, because sadly, even though it’s a fucked up fact, that’s just how you react to being abused by a family member...), although not as often, and also because of the two previous incidents that increased my anxiety a shit ton and tanked my depression a fuckload. It didn’t help that my parents constantly turned blind eyes to the case I had at home, and they didn’t have enough education on the symptoms of non-physical abuse on the mind to be able to recognize that something just wasn’t right. But, of course, because of a lot of the shit that happened previously during my hellish middle school life, I’d learned not to trust the word of the adults in my life, nor to trust them to take action whenever I expressed that something needed a drastic change, because it just wasn’t right. So, of course, I wasn’t just about to tell them my teacher was abusing me.

Anyways, so, yet again, I found that by the end of March, last year, I was right back in the same place as I had been during the six weeks- Not going a day without at least one or two minor panic attacks. At that point, I basically thought it was normal to have a tiny bit of panic every day, so I didn’t really stop to think “Oh, fuck, this is really bad, I should get help for this”, until like, late April or early May, when I broke down in literal tears because I couldn’t get even one little, 4-beat rhythm exactly right every single time I played it, and I was afraid I’d be yelled at again over it. Keep in mind, I was the best percussionist, out of 4, so he was probably way harder on me than the others for that reason. It was at that point that my friends started offering for me to help them take him to court a second time in two years over his treatment of the students. The first time he went to court was because he allegedly strangled an 8th grader back in the 2016-2017 school year. Charges were dropped on the first case for some reason (I blame misogyny and white supremacy, especially because this was in a small community of narcissistic, racist southern white people who were mostly conservatives, even if they didn’t think they were. if you can’t tell, i hate my hometown.), but I haven’t heard anything on the more recent one, since I transferred to a school in the neighboring city to escape my bullies and the hellish band teacher, both of which usually harassed me in the band room, but some of whom also extended to the other classes.

I had to quit percussion because I can’t go into the setup of a band room anymore without having a minor panic attack. Percussion was literally the only thing I consistently looked forwards to in middle school, because I could never rely on my friends to be there every day of every week in those three years, and I also barely actually had a chance to see any of them and enjoy their company. So, uh, yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t bear the thought of playing in a band room anymore.

Once I was out of school that summer, everything changed for the better, because I had gotten accepted into the highschool I applied to. No more unknowingly abusive band teachers. Hell, not even any unintentionally abusive brothers, either, because he was going off to college. I don’t think I should have to explain how my brother was abusive, seeing as he literally didn’t seem to care about me at all until he got bored, and would proceed to hurt or terrorize me for fun, and laugh when I looked like I was going to have a heart attack, for fear of getting seriously injured. Sure, he didn’t give that many visible injuries, but that doesn’t mean shit in abuse cases. Abuse is abuse, no matter how many physical injuries are involved. There’s a reason there’s shit categorized as “emotional” and “verbal” abuse, dumbass. (sorry to those who knew that, I’m just trying to give the ignorant fucktards a little subtle warning before they send me an aggressive “oh, but it’s not really abuse if-“ bullshit ask or something. though, considering that they clearly wouldn’t know abuse when they see it, and think that just because there’s no visual physical wounds, it isn’t abuse, I doubt they’d even get that I was telling them to fuck off.)

So, basically, last summer was like, a godsend. The school year had left me truly hating myself for literally the first time ever in my life, and so, since my appearance was one thing I hated, I chose to dye my hair black, and get a new hairstyle, one I’d never had before (t was unintentionally not what I had imagined, but at the same time, I still liked it better than my usual). That saw my depression leaving me alone to the point that for the first time in literal years, I finally wouldn’t be able to say “I can’t remember what happiness feels like” without it being a lie anymore. I finally made progress to getting better, because I was nearly free of the things that plagued me in every year of my life up until then.

For the first time in my life, it seemed, I was finally being shown that I was capable of happiness, which, of course I had started to doubt before then.

School started.

I met @chaoticcrimsonrose , and, I also finally managed to fall in love without loosing the feelings a week or so later, all in the same day (I still am in love with that wonderful girl, though, we aren’t exactly a thing yet). I’m not gonna go into that, though, because that’s not the point.

The point of this next section is that Crimson reintroduced me to the Jacksepticeye and Markiplier fandoms. I had sort of been in them since 2013 or 2014, but I had only ever watched Mark’s five nights at freddy’s videos, and Jack’s undertale, as well as a few other videos from their channels on occasion (Plus, I didn’t actually realize there were fandoms for the boys until then). Since then, I’ve met so many wonderful, amazing people full of positivity and love for one another, and really, I honestly had the most fun in the last four or five months of 2018 that I think I’ve ever had. Hell, even now, and back in early October, when my depression spiked back up, and came back to shoot me straight through the head, I’m still enjoying myself every time I go on tumblr or discord, because of the wonderful people in their communities.

Between finding my passion in life, and finally being shown that I actually have talents, and the ones I was ashamed of, such as my art, were so much better than I ever even thought they were, everything started finally going right for me in the end of 2018. And, even if PMA doesn’t help me very much when I’m down, I still love the idea behind it, and I’ll continue to try to spread it, even when I’m down.

I love the communities Mark and Jack have started, and I love the people they’ve become. They’re basically what I’ve been aspiring to be for literal years- that kind, caring person, who doesn’t care for money, and would much rather you help out those in need, than give them free money. On top of that, they’re also amazing storytellers, and have such wild, cryptic imaginations. (I’ve actually been told by Crimson many times that I remind her of their creating/writing styles, and especially of the cryptic bullshit they do, which I find hilarious, because of how long I went without knowing about those facets of their personalities. Quite the coincidence, don’t you think?)

Anyways, to sum it up, I guess i’m just saying I’m so glad I found this place when I did; there literally couldn’t have been a better time for me to start meeting more people on the internet who truly care, that i’m not worried about telling all this to, because I know no one here will judge me for things that are out of my control. (And, well, considering how unpredictable the environment I’ve grown up in could get at any moment, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve sorta learned I don’t really have that much control over my life anymore (Thus the cryptic “i have no control” post i made yesterday or something, when i sorta started realizing just how little i actually do have, just to see if i freaked anyone out)-)

Thank you all,

for being so kind and welcoming and accepting.

Thank you all,

for being supportive and helpful to those who need input or hugs.

Thank you, all, so much,

for just being so wonderful. I don’t know where I would be without these communities.

(though, knowing how low I’ve sunken since thanksgiving, I might not’ve made it to 2019... so... yeah, really, huge thanks to all of you-)

———

Extra special appreciation:

@chaoticcrimsonrose - Thank you, so much, for being the person to show me these communities, and help me get more invested in things. You’re basically the kind of sibling I’ve always wished to have, and I couldn’t thank you more for being who you are so much. Also, another thing: The SDS really was your greatest idea. We’ve all only been on it for a few days, but... Holy shit, man, we’re all basically a family on there, and I love that. I don’t know what it would be like for me if we didn’t have the server, but honestly, I don’t want to know, either.

@rorald-spooks - Thank you, for being such a goofy doofus and always being there to cheer me up with your stupid cryptic dumbassery, no matter what I’m saying or feeling.

@startschantingpma - connie you’re a hecking idiot but ily because you’re awesome at what you do and deserve all the hugs-

@tiny-septic-puppet - Good god, man, we’ve come so far. I still vividly remember the day Crimson told me she’d been sending you my fics, and you’d been really enjoying them. That was so amazing to hear. But, like, to think we’ve now gotten to the point that you’re basically like a father to me is... really weird, but also fucking awesome. Ily, dad, don’t stop being epic.

@doodle-min : Mom, holy shit, you’re like, so amazing. I’m so glad we met, and I’m excited to go into 2019 with you and the rest of our wacky discord family. I really hope you keep up your awesome streak of the thing you mentioned, and I hope life keeps getting better and better for you; you deserve every bit of happiness.

@oliverissad - OLLIIIEEEEEE!!!! ILY!!! START TAKING BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF BECAUSE OTHERWISE IMMA HUNT YOU DOWN AND HUG YOU TILL YOU UN-SADIFY OKAY?! that goes for the rest of you doofuses too!!! >:v

@og-wilford-warfstache-discord - Fuck you! Don’t you “heh” me! Ily wilf okay don’t ever doubt that or imma take a page from moms book and imma slap you with cheese damn it-

@singular-dorito - UNC SCHNEP!! what? yeah idk i’m running out of unique things to say to appreciate people, whoops. but ye same goes for you as it does the rest of the fam-

and the rest of the SDS family, because i didn’t get any tumblr tags from the others- i lOVE AND APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU PLS DONT HURT YOURSELF OKAY YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY

@antis-loyal-puppet , as well as everyone on the jacksepticeye writing discord- Thank you all, for being so supportive of me, and being such a joy to have around. You’re all fuckin amazing, and I wouldn’t trade our friendships for the world.

And of course, I’d also like to thank Jack and Mark for being such amazing people, and being the whole reason I even know any of the dumb idiots I’ve tagged or mentioned in this post. You guys are killin the game!

i love all of you idiots. stay as pos as you can. i know way too well how hard it can be to do that, so, just,,, keep on tryin, mates, you deserve every bit of happiness if you’re reading this, even if I’ve never even once spoken to you or interacted with your stuff.

#jse community #markiplier community #happy 2019 #ily all #wholesome ramblings #i know it seems weird that i went on a tangent about myself #but i’ve literally been waiting two or three months to write the majority of this #the shit about discord is new occurrences but still

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dazais-guardian-angel · 6 years ago

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I’m sorry this blog has been so dead-feeling and sporadic for a while now. Not that anyone probably cares, but if any of my followers somehow still enjoy following me, I’m sorry to you all. (tmi health issues below)

I haven’t “updated” in a long while, mostly because I don’t feel like I’m on the verge of dying anymore, like I did all throughout 2017 to maybe halfway through 2018; my health has been pretty stable for a while now. But it’s almost like once my thoughts didn’t have to be preoccupied with constant terror and depression of the worst kind 24/7, now it’s made room for other things to take hold of me. I don’t have panic attacks anymore (at least that I know of; I definitely had one the other night, though), but I have mental anxiety more than ever about really random and ridiculous things, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve gotten a lot of writing done but at the same time feel more unproductive than ever; I’ve always had bad executive dysfunction, but for the last couple months it’s felt worse. I’ve nearly dropped off of drawing entirely; I wish I did it more, but I’ll never be good enough and it’ll never get enough attention to feel like it’s worth the exhaustion it takes. And I probably have actual depression, if I didn’t before then I probably definitely do now; I’ve started to be able to tell the difference in my moods between days, where I feel really invigorated and into something and wanting to do something, and when I feel really down and can’t bring myself to do anything I mean even more than usual lol and feel like I want to cry sometimes for no reason.

I don’t feel as passionate about stuff anymore, which is probably a BIG WARNING SIGN cause I’ve heard other people say this, but yeah. I’m constantly feeling like I should go “give myself a break from writing”, so I just end up playing small, shorty video games that don’t hold my attention very well, instead of working on my backlog of big games that I know are gonna keep me busy for a while each once I start them... otherwise I just stay at my computer thinking that surely I’ll feel like writing something else soon, because I know deep down I want to work on filling my remaining ideas, and I know I can because I have been steadily uploading the last few months, but then I’ll just end up sitting here doing nothing in the end. Or if I get lucky, write. But it just feels like literally everything I do is happening at a snail’s pace now, for no reason. Getting through anime episodes now is tedious, at least for seasonal anime that I’m just trying out and not stuff I already know I’ll love. Keeping up with manga is hard too, I’m so behind on so many series, except for MHA because the chapters are short and weekly instead of monthly, which somehow helps. I like to read at night before sleeping, but I usually fall asleep so quickly after laying down, it’s frustrating. And none of this should matter because no one cares but me but I can’t stand it, especially when my anxiety is constantly making me worried about how long my lifespan is gonna be and that I need to hurry up and do shit quicker. :))))))

All of those mental health diagnoses are just speculation though, since I haven’t been officially looked at by anyone, cause we don’t know where to find anyone. Maybe adhd meds would help me, but who knows when I’ll be able to try any if I do, because I’m already taking so many physical health meds that my parents are always wary about adding unnecessary ones, especially since we’re so uneducated when it comes to the delicacies of mental health meds.

My health problem has morphed into a swallowing problem; I have extra saliva and mucus that gets “stuck” and won’t go down all the way unless I swallow a lot, and I can’t drink or eat anything anymore, which is literally the most agonizing thing in the world, I’m so thirsty (I’m still getting nutrition; please don’t ask how). I’ve done a couple tests and they’ve been fine, so no one knows what’s going on, and my parents have been lax about setting up to go to a better hospital because things aren’t urgent anymore like they used to be now that I have a reflux med. I mean, at least as far as I know; who tf knows what’s happening to me I also have leg nerve pain from sitting in a wheelchair all day every day, which is nothing new at all, it’s been a thing for years, but lately it’s been absolutely agonizing because I’m too underweight to pad my body and my wheelchair isn’t a good fit for me and getting the people to take the steps to change things takes literal months because they’re slow and lazy as molasses. My back is constantly tight too, to varying degrees, sometimes better, and I don’t know what that is, maybe anxiety, but that’s frustrating too cause it makes breathing ever so harder. So yeah, I’m not fearing for my life anymore, at least consciously, but things are still hard and I’m so tired that they’re still like this and they’re just making my mental health worse. I spend most days not doing anything, suffering in some small annoying way that’s enough to keep me from being able to focus on anything, and going to the relief of bed, to repeat forever.

I’m realizing that I’m just lonely. I’m so lonely. Everything is so different now than it was even three years ago; so many of my online friends are gone, even if we’re still mutuals on tumblr; the first online community I ever joined that first got me into online friendships and animanga has long since disbanded. Various mutuals on here I never really talked to but was used to seeing in my activity are gone. Other friends have changed slightly, though they’re still dear to me; I have new ones that are dear to me too, but yet others that I don’t feel a real connection with, and it feels like we’re just surface level acquaintances. One of my two closest and best of friends, one of the first friends I ever made years ago, abandoned me late last year, and to be honest I don’t know why. I did hurt her, but I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t to a degree that was unforgivable, or at least wasn’t worthy of a chance to redeem myself, so.... yeah, I don’t know why. She had changed a lot by that point, shut down a lot, and when I set her off and she left, it was as if all that time we’d spent so close together meant absolutely nothing anymore, had never happened... I don’t understand it. It hurts so much. I tried to contact her in other ways multiple times, by letter and by email, apologizing profusely, and she ignored all of them. It hurts and I’ve thought about it so much, I know I haven’t truly coped with it yet, but have only tried to ignore it, and I desperately need someone to tell me that I didn’t do anything wrong (at least, not wrong enough for that reaction). Cause right now I just still hate myself for it deep down, am so worried about her, worried about how she is right now, wish I knew what she was thinking/thought then, all because of my mistake..... I don’t understand, I don’t know what to do, and it makes me think that all this time I’ve been a lot more terrible of a person than I’ve ever known, and that I’ll just keep accidentally pushing people away by trying to get too close, just like her.

She abandoned me, the few “adult friends” I’ve had irl abandoned me and never talk to me anymore once they stopped working for us, so I guess I’m just cursed this way. The main thing is that I’m seeking and craving interactions with people that no one I know want to have; I love analyzing fiction and getting into the meta and all that stuff, said online friend who abandoned me and I were on nearly the same wavelength when it came to this kind of thing, and we talked for hours and hours about different series and what made them work and why they didn’t work, getting real Deep(tm), and going against popular fandom opinions we thought were wrong (cause we were/are in the minority who disagreed with some of the praise for certain big name series lmao) lol, and that was my normal for a few years... and to have all that be gone is so alien. We were going to collab on a fic together, and that barely got off the ground before she left. I’m dying to have it all back so much, but none of my other friends are into that kind of discussion like she was, and I feel like a piece of shit for acting like they’re “lesser” than her for that, but that’s basically how I’m unintentionally acting.... and I hate myself for it. But I can’t help it; I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m bursting at the seams practically with so much I want to talk about and do that I can’t and I’m so lonely and it’s all so frustrating and depressing and I’m so tired of it all. So aimless and tired and bored and unmotivated and afraid and wishing more than ever that I had 2016 back, before everything became so fucked up in so many ways.

I’m so sorry, anyone who’s friends with me now reading this; you’re all so important to me and I don’t mean to act like you’re not. I’m just sorry I’m such a mess. I need a new purpose, but I don’t know what that is. Maybe I should use this blog to write more meta posts, besides that one. Maybe I should actually post my fics here, although as everyone on tumblr knows, fics get even less notes than art does, so even though my MHA fics get a decent amount of attention as it is, maybe it wouldn’t matter if I put them here too. Is it obvious I’m just a lazy greedy lonely ass craving validation and attention and friendship at this point.......... lol......... I’m just a wreck, I feel so suppressed and aimless, trapped in a life that’s too suffocating and alone for me. And I don’t know how long I and this blog are going to stay this way, so........ I’m sorry, anyone who cares.

Thank you, everyone who’s followed me and still follow me; I appreciate you all so much, and haven’t forgotten a single one of you early ones I’ve talked to before. Hopefully eventually this blog will feel more alive again, eventually........ eventually.............. whenever I find what it is I need, somehow. In the meantime I’ll just keep reblogging MHA posts like a broken record I guess lol.

#personal posts #this is long overdue #I say as if I have a huge following and people who've been Waiting For News #looooooooool #tl;dr i am a lonely friendless bitch who wants attention and validation and friendship Exactly Like It Used To Be #stuck with probably all of the big mental health illnesses out there now who can't get jack shit done #........so basically like every other person on tumblr lmao #almost every day is pointless now even moreso than they already were #when will I be Free (hint: never as long as I stay stuck in a disabled body in a sheltered house with no friends and parents who don'tgetme

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