#say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah

[kindnessoverperfection]

wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.

[raven-cl]

For day 9's prompt for @stmarchmm, fake dating/courting!

You Wanna Piss Off Your Parents (Date Me to Scare Them)

WC: 3,201 | CW: none | Rating General Audience | Read on AO3

Eddie stared at the amount of money left in his account, finding it to be way too short of all the presents he was about to have to get in the incoming month. He hummed to himself thinking when Dustin threw his head over his shoulder, pausing his reading of the latest X-Men comic.

"What're you humming about?" he asked.

Sighing, the alpha just shook his head, "nothin, I'm just looking at my account right now. It's a little low for Christmas."

Dustin nodded his head in understanding, staring off in thought before brimming a bright smile, chirping, "why don't you do that boyfriend for his thing, but like if you wanna piss off your parents?"

Eddie looked at him with annoyed belief at the suggestion. "What?"

"You know how people will post up flyers saying they'll be a bad boyfriend for hire for a day at Thanksgiving when people are with their families? You should do that," the beta elaborated.

Scoffing, the alpha said, "that's stupid, I'm not gonna do something like that," moving to put his money related items away.

"Suit yourself, I'm telling you, you'll knock it out of the park with just your looks alone," Dustin sighed, closing his comic. Eddie threw him a glare, about to say something before the beta interrupted him to say, "I gotta go now though, I told the guys I'd go to the arcade with them."

And with that Dustin made his way out of the trailer, comic book in hand leaving Eddie alone with his thoughts.

Even though the beta had already left, and he was doing other things, the alpha couldn't get the suggestion out of his head, finally he decided that it was worth a shot, heading towards the library to go get his flyer printed out.

----------

Steve walked on the sidewalk stewing, having left the house when his parents showed up, particularly pissed off at the way they started picking apart his appearance and life choices again. He hated having to spend Thanksgiving with them, having to deal with them for a whole week and he was still a few days away from being free of them.

He paced while he waited for the crossing sign, wondering what the hell to do to get back at them, to do anything to annoy them as much as they annoyed him when a piece of paper stuck to the walkway caught his eye.

The title of the paper read "Mad at your parents? Hire me as your alpha to ruin Thanksgiving by being obnoxious!"and it immediately piqued his interest. The omega read it over, checking out everything the alpha said he'd do and his prices, noting the tier system he had for what he'd do for what price.

The most expensive package was set to 200 where'd be willing to be overbearing at dinner, act incredibly unsavory towards the customer in front of their parents and be an overall annoyance as much as they could. There was a number listed at the bottom that he assumed had to be the alpha and decided that he'd give him a call, that this would be the way he'd get back at his parents.

Choosing to let off some more steam before he went home, he walked around for a little while more, finally choosing to go home when his feet started to hurt and luckily managed to go back just as his parents were leaving.

Immediately he headed straight for the phones, picking it up and dialing the number that was written on the flyer that he'd seen. He listened to the dial tone, waiting for it to switch to a voice when someone finally picked up and answered, "'Munson residence."

"Hey, is this uh, the piss off your parents alpha?" Steve started, his voice unsure.

Quickly the voice confirmed, "oh yeah, that's me. You inviting me out?"

"Yeah, yeah I do, I wanna get the full package, the most expensive one," the omega told him.

"Okay, can do. I accept cash payment up front before we hangout with your parents," the alpha said. Continuing on his sentence, "are there anything specific you want or need when I show up?"

Shaking his head as if the man on the other end could see, he answered, "no not really, just don't dress like you're some super rich pretentious asshole."

The alpha hummed into the phone then asked, "m'kay sweetheart, what's the address I'm showing up to?"

Steve rattled off his address to him and they worked out the little details of the alpha coming, like time and parking. Once they were finished, the omega hung up and began counting the seconds until Thanksgiving came.

----------

Eddie drove his van up the street of Loch Nora, looking for the house number that he was told over the phone. When he finally found it, he pulled in to their driveway, parking right where he was told to. He looked around, slightly nervous but powering through it, opening his door and stepping out.

Swiftly though the front door opened and closed and he heard footsteps jogging against the concrete towards him. The alpha was greeted by a rather cute omega nearly as tall as he was, with fluffied brown hair and matching brown eyes, wearing a long sleeved polo with a button up underneath and jeans.

"Hey, so you're Eddie right?" the omega asked, looking at him up and down.

Nodding his head, "yup, that's me. You're Steve?"

Steve confirmed his name, checking him out from head to toe again stating, "wow, yeah you look great, they'll hate you."

The omega chuckled as he gawked at him, the alpha giving him a humored huff, glad Steve was apparently happy with the fact Eddie wore something he'd wear anywhere else. "Anything's okay? Nothing you want me to specifically not do?" he asked, checking one more time for good measure.

"Everything's fine, just nothing too over the top I guess? Be obnoxious, not too crass," Steve clarified before reaching into his pocket. "Oh, here you go by the way, before I forget," stretching out his hand for the alpha to take his money.

With a smile the alpha pocketed it, saying, "okay let's go then," and placed a hand on the omega's hip, right by his ass as they made their way up the steps.

On they way up the steps, he began scenting Steve enough that he had a faint scent of the alpha on him. Once they passed the threshold, he subtly took in the house, amazed at just how large it was inside and how much free space was inside. When they entered there was a couple walking around the house, an older male alpha and an equally as old female omega, who he assumed were the parents he was there to piss off.

"Hey so this is my alpha Eddie that I was telling you about," the omega said, ushering Eddie to shake their hands. "Eddie, these are my parents."

He could see the way both of his parents, breath stilled as they looked at him, the father staring intently for a second at the hand on his son's hip, but still reached both their hands out to shake his.

"Hey it's nice to meet you guys," Eddie said with a smile, choosing to go a rather casual way of getting them but nothing too informal.

He could see the way the mother had a bit of a strained smile and thought about what a joy it was gonna be to mess with them. They greeted him back and they stood there rather awkwardly for a moment before the older omega broke the tension by suggesting they head over to the dinner table.

"So… Eddie," the older alpha started with an emphasize on his name, "what do you do for a living?" he asked as they all got seated, the parents sitting next to each other while Steve sat next to Eddie.

"I work as a mechanic," he lied, answering him with a warm smile as he accepted his plate from the omega. The table was already set and he immediately began scooping mashed potatoes onto his plate before the omega's father could get a chance to.

He purposefully ignored the subtle incredulous stare he got from the older couple, although he did notice the way Steve was biting his cheek to keep from smiling. From the moment they met, the omega's scent was sweet, blooming happy vanilla sweet pheromones as he had gotten closer to the alpha.

It was cute and smelled delicious, and Eddie couldn't help but keep his scent matching his, even with the way he was purposefully getting on Steve's parents nerves.

After blinking away the shock at the sheer audacity and reaching for the spoons, the father asked, "are you in school?

"Nope, I'm just mainly working for right now," the alpha answered easily, carefully peering out the side of his eye to not make it obvious, watching as Steve was hiding his face while he served his own plate.

Not skipping a beat, the older omega asked, "do you ever plan on going to school for something, I don't know," taking a breath and looking around as if she was figuring out how to phrase her words, "for a grander job?"

"Maybe at some point, not right now for sure though," Eddie said, getting a quick glance from the both of them.

It was quiet for a while, neither parent apparently knowing what to say before Steve's mother quipped up, "so, where did you guys meet?"

"At the mechanic shop actually, I was the one working on his car," Eddie said, organizing the his plate to have a spot for the turkey.

"Oh, was there something wrong with his car that he just… hadn't told us about?" She questioned.

"No, nothin' like that, just getting a check up is all," he finished, looking up towards the turkey once he felt he had sufficient space.

Sighing, his mother huffed, "Steve, why don't you have some peas, they're not there for just decoration."

Taking a deep exasperated breath, the omega said back, "I've said I don't like them."

Rolling her eyes she meanly pointed out, "well at least your boyfriend isn't a picky eater," looking down at his plate that had a little bit of everything on it. From this close, he could smell the way Steve's scent slightly faltered. Hoping to cheer him up just a bit, he brushed their ankles together, sneaking in a look at him.

The older alpha held out his hand stopping Eddie even though he hadn't made a move at all, saying out loud to everyone although he knew he was specifically talking to him, "I'll be carving the turkey for us." The young alpha shared a small glance with the omega, a grin blooming on his face once he saw Steve was smiling about how his parents were clearly bothered.

As the omega's father started cutting into turkey, plating his wife's plate, Steve's mother asked the pair, "so how long have you two been going out?"

A smile still plastered on his face, he turned to look at the omega, not knowing how long they were supposed to be dating when Steve swiftly spoke up, answering, "just for a couple months."

"A couple months? And we're only hearing and meeting him now?" his father asked incredulous.

"Well it just never came up and I didn't know when to introduce you guys. Thanksgiving seemed as good of a time as any," the omega told him. That earned him an unapproving look from the older alpha but that was the last of it. Steve reached his plate over, letting his father plate it with the turkey. Once his was done, Eddie mimicked the motion, letting himself be served as well.

When everything was set, Eddie immediately began eating alongside Steve, shoving the food into his mouth without being too messy.

The mother looked at him for a minute with her brow furrowed before she began eating herself. She tried making conversation again, referring to the alpha, "so did you grow up around here?"

Eddie hummed an affirmative, "yeah I've been in Hawkins my whole life."

"So you went to the same school and everything as Steve here?" the older alpha quipped.

Nodding his head, "yup, I was just two years above him."

"Oh so you're older than he is?" she asked, looking over at him.

Once again he just hummed a confirmation, not answering them properly and he could see out the corner of his eye the way they were becoming more agitated with him.

"Are you planning on staying in Hawkins or do you plan on trying to move to a new city at some point?" his father asked, though with his tone it was starting to be more of an interrogation.

Casually, like he had no idea that he was annoying them, "uh, I'm just going with the wind y'know, going wherever it wants to take me." He could practically see the gears turning in the older alpha's head, forming a highly negative opinion about Eddie.

They ate in an awkward silence for a little bit, Steve and Eddie occasionally bumping their feet together want sharing pleased glances. After awhile, his parents foolishly tried again to make small talk. "Do you ever plan on courting of having children with our little Steve?" his father asked, gesturing towards the omega as he spoke.

"Oh I hope to pup your son someday," Eddie said with a smug grin, putting a hand that was clearly high up on the omega's thigh even from their obscured view on the other side of the table.

Nervously chuckling the older omega said, "don't do anything too hasty," shifting her eyes back and forth from Eddie and her son's now flushed face.

"Don't worry I won't do anything too untoward until I've courted him proper and we're together" and it was obvious that his mother did not like that, not with the way her eye slightly twitched at his implication that they'd still be doing things before being tied down together. The older alpha also gave him a disapproving look, lightly tapping his fork against his plate.

They left it at that, finally deciding that it just wasn't worth it trying to talk to him anymore, eating in silence. Soon after they finished their meal, all of them getting up once everyone was done. Eddie grabbed his plate, planning on taking it to the sink only to have it taken from him by Steve's mother.

He put his hand back on Steve's waist, watching as the omega's parents walked around. Steve guided him back into the main room where they stood, waiting for his parents to finish up so the alpha could leave as per their agreement.

It didn't take long for the married couple to come meet them, both of their postures tense as they stared the alpha down.

"Okay, well I think I gotta get out of here, gotta making stuff everything's alright at home with my uncle y'know?" the alpha said with a grin, stroking Steve's side before giving it a few pats.

His parents nodded and Eddie reached out his hand towards them to shake it, waiting for one of them to take it up before he said, "it was nice to meet the both of you."

"Same to you," the older alpha gritted out, settinghis hands on his hips as he waited for the Eddie to leave.

Looking over to Steve who was glancing at the three of them, he finally spoke up, "I'm gonna walk him out," pulling at him. The pair turned on their heel and walked out the door, strolling down the driveway.

"Oh my god, did you see they faces?" Steve giggled, "man they couldn't stand you, I'm sure they're glad the both of us are outside right now."

The alpha laughed with him, letting his touch linger longer than he needed to on his waist, still keeping a warm hand on it. The alpha moved to stand in front of him, about to make his way to the driver's side when he noticed a movement in the window.

"By the way, Steve, don't look now but your parents are standing right in the window staring at us," he told him, keeping a subtle eye on what they were doing.

"Holy shit, no way they're watching us right now," the omega huffed, rolling his eyes though he was still smiling.

Giving him an amused look Eddie asked, "you wanna seal the deal? Make em really think we're together?"

A blush spread brightly across the omega's cheek and he thought he was the cutest thing, happy when Steve agreed to it. The alpha cradled the omega's face before leaning in to kiss him, checking to make sure his parents were still watching when they pulled back. Sure enough they were though they quickly left and he smirked, finally bidding Steve goodbye and driving all the way home, slightly mourning the fact that he'd probably never get to see Steve again.

----------

"Who was the person you went out with anyways?" Dustin asked, as he watched Eddie sew on a patch on his jacket.

"Some little rich omega named Steve," Eddie answered, focused on pulling the needle through the denim material.

"Steve?"

"Yeah, he lives on Loch Nora," the alpha replied, holding back the jacket to check how much he had left to do.

You went out with my fucking babysitter?!" that caused the alpha to look up from his planning, staring at him with wide eyes, the beta staring at him with an equal expression.

"Steve?? Steve is your babysitter? Tall, brown hair, lotta moles?" Eddie asked, gesturing to his body.

"Yes, that's him!" the beta exclaimed, pausing and squinting his eyes before asking, "did you like him?

His tongue got stuck in his throat before he managed to cough out, "yeah I thought he was really cute."

"Do you wanna date him? He's looking for an alpha he's just bad at flirting," Dustin said bluntly, watching the alpha for an answer.

"I mean- yeah, okay sure. I'd love to take him on a date, a proper one this time. Where I'm not… Trying to just upset his parents," Eddie replied honestly.

Nodding his head, he replied, "okay it's settled then, you guys are going out then."

"Hold on, how do you even know he wants to go out with me?" the alpha asked puzzled, looking up with a confused look on his face.

Shrugging like it was nothing, the beta told him, "well he mentioned that he met an alpha he likes but doubts he'll meet again and you're the only alpha he was with recently so. It has to be you."

At those words, the small grin began spreading on the alpha's face, Steve liked him and liked him enough to hangout again but didn't want to ask. Knowing that the beta was not going to let this go, Eddie continued sewing patches on his jacket, knowing soon enough he'd be meeting the omega again to have a date proper.

[scrumpbumpist]

As queer rights inevitably come under fire, there is something I need all of you to keep on mind:

Homophobes do not believe in queer identity.

Learn this. Understand it. They are going to say a lot of things about us that will not make any sense unless you understand this.

To the current right wing, cisgender and heterosexual isn't just the default the way we talk about on tumblr. It's the only option. They believe "everyone" is cishet, and anyone who presents otherwise is doing so for nefarious reasons. Internal experience is insubstantial and therefore doesn’t not exist. To understand how homophobic people see us, I think it's important to note the recent claims that being trans doesn't exist. That it's an ideology.

To put it simply, they very literally are not seeing things as they are. To them, being cisgender and heterosexual is not just the default, but the true state of humanity. Anyone who denies either of these is making a choice.

To them, being a gay man is not about being attracted to other men, about loving other men, or anything like that. To them, being gay is having sex with men. It is not an identity. It is an action you take. And because attraction to men doesn't exists, and this is solely a choice that you're making, what is stopping you from choosing more vulnerable targets? Like, you know, children?

We know that's false. We know that's fake. But that's the ideology, that it is a perversion you've chosen and you are then vulnerable to other perversions. Your internal experience doesn't matter to them. Your lived experience of never developing crushes on girls, on waiting and waiting for it to finally happen before realizing you actually have a crush on a guy, potentially dealing with guilt or self hatred for that - none of that matters because it's not material. You have sex with men. That's all they hear. In their minds, you are a heterosexual man who is acting out a fetish.

In the same vein, being transgender is inconceivable to them. They do not believe in internal experiences, they do not believe in lived experiences, they do not believe in knowing yourself. To them, being queer is not something you are, it's something you do. That's why they make up reasons why a trans person would want to be trans. They say "well, transwomen are just predators who want access to women's spaces/cheat at sports" or "transmen just want to escape misogyny and gain male privilege" or "nonbinary people just want to be special" because they do not care about your experiences.

They don't believe gender dysphoria exists. Or if they do, they believe it is a delusion that will go away if they misgender you enough. They believe you cannot know yourself and identity does not exist.

To them, someone wakes up one day and decides to transition the same way they decide to get dinner. It doesn't matter if that person spent years hating themselves, not looking in the mirror, avoiding showering so they won't have to look at or touch their own body. Internal experience doesn't exist in this conversation! The decision comes out of nowhere to them, and must have some immediate tangible motivation. It cannot simply be that they are happier this way - to make sense to conservatives it has to serve a utility purpose.

This is what they believe about you. This is what they'll be saying on the news. This is what they'll be spreading through propaganda. This is what they'll be trying to write into law. I am not saying this to hurt you. I am included in this. We are going to be called delusional. We are going to be called liars. We are going to be accused of being perverted freaks trying to corrupt, steal, or rape children. You have to understand this, because you can't fight back until you do.

[mdhwrites]

Hey bud, I have a question. When would you say it is acceptable to include "good luck" in a story as a narrative solution.

This is a fascinating one to me because of one big element: EVERY protagonist has good luck powers. Honestly, most fictional characters in one way or another do. If they didn't, we'd often not have a story to tell. Narrative contrivance is a term after all.

But what about when you just straight up admit it?

Well... It's tricky. I've gone on record that I despise characters with 'bad luck' because the luck still serves a narrative purpose and even can often turn into good luck. After all, even if luck in our reality is a cosmic force we cannot control, that's not the case in a story. Every choice is decided by the author unless they literally roll the dice every time they're deciding something and even then, they are the ones who decide what the outcomes can be.

This still applies to good luck too. Just because on a meta level, we understand that characters in stories are often luckier than most, that doesn't suddenly make it narratively satisfying to just go "Guess my luck is holding out!" for every little thing that happens. This is because blaming luck for why a character gets out of a situation can often be an anti-climax where instead of a character having to work to get out of a situation, they just... Do.

This problem also presents the solution though: Make them earn it. Their good luck should balance the scales of karma essentially. A character puts life and limb at risk for a plan that suddenly has a complication and they take a gamble on some improv that works out? Go ahead and blame it working on luck because they have already worked to make this plan function, they are still having to do something to make it work, etc. like that so the audience is still getting payoff after payoff and this bit of tension still feels deserving because the stakes are real. If someone has lost everything and has their life suddenly threatened only to then be let go from dumb luck, that can genuinely feel like the universe giving them a break for once.

Essentially, the question you need to ask yourself for if a scene deserves it is to put yourself as a writer in your audiences shoes. When the moment of luck comes up, is the audience asking "I wonder how they'll get out of this one," or "Please, can't you give him a break already!?" If it's the latter, that is a GREAT moment for luck because it will feel like that break that the audience wants.

For an example of doing this right: Master Chief, weirdly enough. In the books, he is canonically lucky. In fact, compared to every other Spartan he grows up with and who survives the process of becoming a Spartan, it is the ONLY way in which he is exceptional compared to them. Cortana literally chooses him for his luck. And how does the book Fall of Reach portray this? That he's in the right place at the right time to try to do something. Not that he just succeeds but that he is given the opportunities to use his skills to their best effect. If he didn't act though, he wouldn't win. If he didn't put 100% into it, he would still lose. It's only that he is the one that fate has chosen to help tilt the scales that makes him lucky, which also makes his luck not get brought up much and doesn't devalue the fact that he still has to plan, work and adapt in order to win it all.

That is a damn near perfect way to do it. Not that luck supersedes skill, just that it allows them to be, well... The main character. Because all main characters are lucky so what's the harm with leaning into it just a little?

======+++++======

If 2.1 wasn't still the newest patch, or I thought I could explain how it works for him faster, I absolutely would have used Aventurine as the example instead of Master Chief. His brand of working around his luck is just a little bit more complicated for why it pays off so well and I admittedly still want to do a blog talking about how Aventurine is in 2.1. For those worried: It's a 180 from how I saw him in 2.0. There's a reason I'm pulling for him in two days.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[thecottageinthedark]

#kind of a tangent sorry. but i'm going to say something some people are not going to like hearing#and it's that trans people are still people before they are trans. as in both figuratively and literally.#some of the circles y'all create are circles in which‚ for example‚ a trans woman is not going to feel safe and welcome Until she is trans#trans people go maybe decades of their lives living in a situation that they're unhappy with and none of you are making it any easier#i know some of you keep praising and repeating how much you love trans people. that same treatment should be applied to anyone.#because otherwise the only message being sent is “you are unloved and unwanted until you chug down those pills” and that is not healthy#like their character doesn't actually matter. it's all presentation. valid “queer achievements".#and guess what. all of that insecurity doesn't go away the moment they start presenting as trans#because you have made sure to create environments where they don't feel like they'll be wanted or trusted no matter what they are.#you have created an environment where they'll never feel safe. because no amount of praise or acceptance will ever feel genuine.#you have made them feel gross and like there's something wrong with them for simply being#and all of the baggage that comes from Before a transition Still carries over post transition.#and i understand that a lot of that might come from a place that makes sense. but also. some of you are straight up hypocrites.#if your natural response to seeing any cishet person is instant disdain and distrust#if that person Were to be doubting themselves in any way later. what message does that send? what person are you creating?#and even if they weren't! is that treatment in any way fair???#and maybe they'll end up presenting a little more differently to try and get you to like and accept them#and maybe that's the beginning of something#but congratulations. this person is now acting out of unhappiness and loneliness in a community they just wanted to be friends with#they didn't arrive at any conclusions besides “i am hated for being me and i need to remove all of those parts so i can belong”#and that is sad.

#why do you think it's so common for transgirls you come across to be extremely needy and desperate for human connection#because she was an extremely depressed bullied and shunned dude nobody gave a shit about for 22 years#who every time they made an effort to find a place they felt safe in they were met with mockery and rejection. that's why.#and for all of the conversations i see about loving trans people‚ i have yet to see any sort of noise about giving a shit any time before.#and so the message being sent to every single future trans person is “you don't matter Right Now.”#and i think that so much of this comes from a weird assumption that every single cishet person is having a Great Time in society#as if they didn't have traumatic experiences. as if they didn't have difficult upbringings. as if they didn't have any challenges to face.#or. more importantly. as if they were a Bad Person and Complicit In My Suffering. somehow.#and like. honey. i think that you should think things through a little bit and stop victimizing yourself.

Hot take but I really do think that some of y’all need to consider how/why/when/how often you’re making fun of straight people for being straight

I do it too, I’m not going to pretend I don’t make jokes about the hets, or the down with cis bus, or whatever

But I recently befriended a cis, straight dude and I have watched him be dismissed, degraded, and unambiguously insulted for the perceived “crime” of being straight — all in queer environments where he is allegedly “completely welcome” and surrounded by “friends”

This guy is not a toxic person! But I have seen him be made to feel so small and like his comfort and safety in those spaces are conditional on his silence and acceptance of being treated like a human dunk zone, and I think that some of y’all have had so much shit from straight/cis people that the second you feel like you’ve got an inch, you want to luxuriate in the perceived catharsis of bullying someone who— actually —doesn’t deserve it

And until he very, very carefully mentioned to me in private that it makes him feel bad, I didn’t even clock that I was involved in doing that, that it had become so instinctive for me to make casual jokes like that, and that— well meaning or otherwise —I had been contributing to an environment that made someone I really really like feel like shit

So, I dunno, I think maybe some of y’all should think about that too

[moonstruck-poet]

His Love Language

Pairing - Kaz Brekker x reader!

Summary - This fic depicts Kaz and the subtle ways in which he shows his love.

Warnings - curse words, injury, wounds, blood, fight.

Kaz Brekker noticed everything. Whether it be someone cheating in a game of cards, enemies tailing him during his walk, or even his crows being unlike their usual selves.

Because he always paid more attention to what a person is doing than what they're saying. Talk may thrill, but action reveals.

He had an eye for taking in the details. It was both terrifying and beautiful.

Terrifying for his rivals of course. He knew exactly what to pull off and how to pull it off for them to go insane.

And beautiful for his love, his one and only. Him having such a knack for remembering the littlest of things helped him immensely in his relationship with you.

Not many people noticed it before, not even you yourself. But as time passed, you learned that his love language were actions. Not physical touches, words of affirmations, gifts and presents. No.

But it was all about those small acts showcased by him that made you fall deeper for the bastard of the barrel. Your heart now always took notice whenever he did the most mundane things for you. It immediately took up its pace and reminded you of the exact reason why it still kept on beating.

Your fellow crows took a hell of time to gather just how deep the love of Kaz Brekker was. But once they did, saints were they both shocked and ecstatic.

All of them had their own doubts when they came to know of your relationship. Nobody was a stranger to the fact that both of you were extremely closed off people. Not opening more than what was necessary, and in the case of Kaz, not opening up at all.

But one look at the way you two understood each other without even having to express, made them believe that you two would make each other happy.

===============================

Dirtyhands had struck another deal with a man named Arken Viking. The plan seemed quite simple, understandable even when it was explained.

And naturally everybody was feeling good knowing that they had a hundred percent chance of survival as it wasn't a difficult mission by any means. It just had a lot of steps that needed to be followed and so all seven of them were heavily involved.

Jesper, Wylan, Kaz and Matthias were waiting for the other girls to arrive. It was the final task of the day and they would then carry on again tomorrow.

Jesper was the one to pace around, unable to sit still in one place. He hated waiting more than anything else. Ask him to put up some money for a gamble? It would be done without wasting a second. Task him with shooting something impossibly far away? He'd have it completed before you could say shoot. But staying put in one place, he couldn't do it.

It was only for Wylan engaging with him that he even sat for ten minutes.

"Where did they go?" He grumbled and finally got up, stretching his legs and walking to stand near the two men who stared ahead, their expressions tight.

"They're late," Matthias muttered, trying his best to hide the worry he felt for a specific one but it was useless, all of them knew about his feelings but him.

"It'll be fine, they'll be here soon," Wylan said, standing next to Jesper and blushing very slightly when the tall boy leaned his shoulder against his and let out a sigh.

"You're sure that there's no danger right, Kaz?" Jesper asked and looked at his boss who didn't look away. His eyes firmly set on the road in front of them.

"Yes," he spoke, sure of himself. But there was this slight, very tiny nagging in the back of his mind that something had gone terribly wrong and he clenched his jaw.

But all of their worries dissipated at seeing the silhouette of three women walking towards them.

Matthias let out a sigh of relief once he saw Nina's bright face, him sending a quick prayer to Djel for looking over the three.

Kaz felt himself lighten instantly, his previously tensed posture relaxed as he saw you looking positively unscathed. His eyes found yours instantly and you sent him a smile, while quickly closing the distance between you two.

"You're late," was all he said, his eyes sweeping over everyone before landing on your figure which was leaning against the wall, right next to him.

"Let us live a little, Brekker," Nina rolled her eyes while Inej shook her head, though she too smirked.

"We were worried," Wylan was the one to speak that was on the tip of everybody's tongue.

"All of you?" She said with a raised eyebrow, looking pointedly at Kaz who merely glared at her sharply.

"Obviously!" Jesper exclaimed. "Now that you're all here, we can finally get some well deserved rest. Kaz let's take a room somewhere, yeah?"

"We can't," he said, turning his eyes away from you, rather unwillingly actually.

"What do you mean we can't?"

"Use your eyes, Jes," Inej said with a teasing smile. "Do you see any shops, hotels or anything nearby?"

"Then where the hell are we sleeping?" Nina said with a incredulous look. "I am not going to lie down in the middle of the street!"

Jesper too looked alarmed at the prospect and whipped his head around to stare at their leader.

"You think I'd let everyone sleep on the roads?"

"Can't put anything past you at this point," she grumbled and you laughed making Kaz give you a disbelieving expression.

"There's a warehouse ten minutes from here, we'll stay there for the night".

All of them groaned loudly at the thought of walking once again but soon started their small journey. And once they had reached the place, Jesper quite literally threw open the doors and scanned the area.

"Clean enough," he shrugged and laid the small blankets they had brought onto the floor. "Good night then," he waved lazily and Wylan followed his lead but not before gazing fondly at him for a few seconds.

"You failed to mention this in you plan, Kaz," Nina shot him a look and dragged her belongings to the corner of the room, accompanied by Inej and Matthias.

"Let's sleep, shall we?" You said softly and he nodded, taking off his coat while you arranged the sheets and removed your shoes, sighing at finally being able to rest.

He laid down himself, his body close to yours so your arms brushed a little. "You're okay, aren't you?"

"I'm all good," you turned your head to face him, taking in his features that you so loved. From his dark brown eyes that softened at your reply to his hands placed in front of him, the pale skin shining under the minimum lighting present.

He gave a curt nod and scanned your face once before closing his eyes, depriving himself of your addictive beauty.

"Night," you whispered and turned on your side, one hand under your head for support and the other lying in front. He didn't reply but instead reach ahead to brush his thumb against your forearm and interlocking your little fingers together.

You smiled, him being the last thought in your mind before sleep overtook you.

The rest of the night passed in peace before it was time for the sunrise. Naturally Kaz, Inej and Matthias were the first ones to wake. The rest were all sleeping soundly and soft breaths echoed in the room.

Kaz was looking over the layout of the building once again, making sure that everything would go on without any problems or worries when suddenly your knee brushed against his.

He stiffened at the contact for a second before turning around to see you pulling your legs up to your chest and curling into a ball. He immediately spotted the goosebumps that littered your arms and an unnoticeable shiver pass through you.

His eyes searched for a spare blanket somewhere but found none as all were used as mattresses for everybody to lay on. A small frown marked his lips as his mind raced and landed on a conclusion.

He took his coat that he had used as a pillow and dusted it before gently putting it over your body. Your curled figure made it easier and he adjusted it, making sure the warm jacket covered you completely.

You involuntarily grabbed the collar, your eyes still shut and cuddled into it.

While he felt himself ease up with satisfaction and he shot you one last look, unable to keep the fondness away from his gaze and returned to check the papers.

Matthias who had been watching the unspoken exchange felt his insides warming up at seeing the cold and distant demeanour of Kaz Brekker melting a little for you.

===============================

Predictably, the heist was successful and no one had expected anything less. In fact, it had gone a little more than satisfactory. They had no troubles waiting for them inside the building and no distractions outside too.

So to conclude, everybody was high on the fact that they had managed to pull it off with such stealth.

They were all given their paychecks when they returned back home.

"Saints," Jesper sighed and lovingly twirled the kruge in his fingers while Wylan unknown to anyone else but you shot tiny daggers at those pieces of money.

You hid your smirk, keeping the check in your pocket and walked over to your friend, "I understand, Wy," you patted his shoulder sympathetically while he became red.

"What do you understand?" He asked hurriedly and avoided eye contact.

"Oh come on," you chuckled. "I know about your not so little feelings. You fancy him, don't you?"

"No I don't," he mumbled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe just a little," he added as an afterthought.

You just brought him in a comforting side hug, quite endeared by the boy and ruffled his already wild hair. "I hate to say it, but he's more oblivious than anyone".

"I know," he groaned in exasperation, resting his head on your shoulder as you were considerably taller than him.

"Planning to steal her from Brekker?" Nina's playful words broke their conversation making the others laugh.

"Who's stealing what from me?" The man himself entered, as usual being perfect in his timing of showing up at the most unnecessary of times.

Wylan immediately removed your arm from his shoulder but Kaz being himself obviously glimpsed it. His expression did not betray anything, it was carefully kept stoic and calm. But he couldn't fool you, there was a reason why he'd let you walk fearlessly into his locked up heart.

His eyes seemed sullen for just a fraction of second. He wasn't reacting on the joke, of course not. He was now used to the crows trying to make him jealous. But rather the thing that had made him feel lost, was touch.

His inability to provide you with every bit of himself was killing him inside. For heaven's sake he couldn't even bear to embrace you without feeling as though he were on the edge and one small step would make him fall deeper into the oceans.

He swallowed and averted his gaze making you stare at him even more, trying to figure out what was bothering him.

You got up from your place and went over to sit in a chair beside him, keeping the distance because you weren't sure if he was okay with the proximity or not. But then he himself shifted his chair, and your legs brushed making him pull away quickly.

"Kaz," you said worriedly, moving back a little. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he lied and you frowned. He knew very well that you could tell he was being untruthful.

He willed his mind to focus on you rather than his surroundings and took your hand in his, taking a deep breath despite the barrier of his glove.

But it wasn't enough, he felt the strange need to be even closer to you despite his brain screaming in denial. And for the second time in his life, he decided to go with his heart and looked you in the eyes, noticing your evident concern as you approached him cautiously.

He gave his surroundings a quick scan. It was only the seven of them and they were all minding their own business. He made a split decision and started taking the glove off of his right hand.

You didn't say anything, finally understanding that he needed your touch and you were more than happy to provide.

He stopped in his tracks after pulling it off, staring at his pale, vulnerable hand.

"It's okay," you whispered softly, fighting the urge to lean over yourself. "I'm here. It's just you and me. You can do this".

He looked unsure but slowly extended it towards you. It wasn't like he hadn't done it before, he had, but it had been quite a long time ago.

He gently brushed his fingertips over your palm and relaxed when no waters rose. He nudged his little finger with yours and looked up to see you before locking them.

Your face held a small, adoring smile. It was so simple, yet so complex. You squeezed gently once and he returned it instantly making you laugh softly.

He felt strange in a good way, as if he had accomplished everything he wanted when he had only heard the sound of your laughter.

"Okay you two stop your gossiping, it's dinner time," Jesper broke the moment and was rewarded with a threatening glare. He just grinned in return when his eyes fell on a hand, Kaz's hand to be specific and his mouth hung open slightly.

"Never seen a hand before?" Kaz raised an eyebrow and swiftly pulled on the glove.

He looked away, his mind still trying to figure it out as he grabbed the plates.

You stood up from your seat much to Kaz's displeasure who shot a heartbroken look your way that you missed. But Jesper caught on as he was sitting right opposite.

He'd never thought that he would live to see the day when Dirtyhands would look sad like a lovesick puppy. He was debating with himself whether he even saw it happening because the look was gone in less than a second, replaced by his usual dark gaze.

But he was cut off from his thoughts when you smiled at him, keeping a plate of food on the table. "Enjoy".

"Yeah, 'course love".

All of them were now sitting at the table for the first time in months. They just never seemed to have a time fixed that would match everyone's schedule. And for most part, they were all lazy as well.

You were sitting at the corner of the table with Nina at the opposite side, her having every bit of your attention at the moment as she chatted away happily much to the disappointment of the man sitting to your right.

"The cake is great, Nina," Inej complimented her and she gave her a wink in return.

"It is nice," Matthias agreed making the said chef blush despite her smirk.

"Yeah I love it," Wylan smiled brightly.

"Oh damn," you winced as the spoon fell down with a loud clatter, breaking the conversation for a bit before it resumed again.

Inej watched you with amusement, laughing at your resigned expression when you bent down to retrieve it with a sigh. But then her eyes widened in surprise.

Kaz Brekker, the most ruthless man she'd ever met was maybe not that uncaring. She merely watched as his hand went to cover the sharp corner of the table as if it was an everyday occurence.

And you got up, putting the spoon away to take a new one when you stopped mid-action to see a gloved hand had been placed inches above your head that would have definitely rubbed against the edge.

At the moment all that existed for you was the person sitting right next to you. You stared at him blankly, planting holes on the side of his face.

He, sensing it turned to look at you, raising his eyebrows as though to ask, 'What?'

But you just shook your head and offered him a small smile and you swore you saw his lip twitch slightly.

===============================

"Ready Inej?" You asked, as softly as you could muster though you were shaking inside, knowing that you two only had one shot at this.

"All ready," she whisperer back and crouched down slightly, preparing to jump.

A gunshot was heard and the guard was successfully distracted by the sound giving Inej some time to slip in between the shadows and enter the room.

You had no choice than to shoot a bullet and now they were all alarmed which would make escaping very difficult.

Your eyes squinted in the darkness as you surveyed the room, hoping no one caught a glimpse of you and praying to whichever Saint there was for Inej to finish her job.

"Come on," you muttered to yourself, your legs shaking with anticipation as it had easily been ten minutes since she had disappeared. "Where the hell are you?"

Just then you spotted some movement going on further to your left and loaded your gun while also keeping one hand on the scabbard tied around your waist. Your footsteps were barely heard as they travelled softly on the wooden floor.

Someone had definitely seen you and were on a hunt, all you could do was make sure to stay hidden perfectly. The darkness was surely an ally but an enemy too.

A loud thud was the only warning you had before someone knocked the air out of your lungs making you skid backwards. You gasped, hands pressed to your chest while taking in deep breaths and moving away from the man, buying yourself time. It didn't feel like your ribs had broken but it hurt nonetheless.

You wracked your brain for a sign of another presence but it was only him. "Viking," you growled in anger after he stepped into the light. "I should've known".

He simply chuckled darkly, "You didn't though. Even Brekker failed. So I think I did my work to perfection, yeah?"

"Who else have you got?"

"No one!" He said, sounding strangely happy and you believed him to be a psychopath. "But the same can't be said for you, am I right?"

But you just shrugged, knowing if you spoke he'd be able to distinguish because of your voice. You should think about asking Kaz to teach you how he managed to always control his tone perfectly. But that would only be possible if you got out of here alive.

Not saying another word you charged, knowing using a gun would prove to be dangerous for you if he snatched it from you. Unfortunately, one of your downfalls was thag you didn't have much of a strong grip. And so you took two knifes and attacked him from both sides.

He took on a few cuts, some going deep and you were scarred too. A small one painted your cheekbone, one on the side of your neck and some on your arms.

You fought for quite a time, both being bloody with sweat dripping off your bodies. It was only when you pretended to hit him from your left and he fell for the basic trick, blocking your attack and in turn giving you easy access to wedge your knife straight into his abdomen. You shot him too for safety measures and double checking.

"Motherfucker," you heaved a sigh, wincing after feeling the burn of the cuts littering you and the stickiness of blood. "Fucking finally!" You exclaimed when your friend came into view, panting slightly and you knew she had gotten into a fight as well.

"Atleast we're matching," she said with a smile and pointed at the similar scars on your forearms.

"Yeah sure," you laughed and quickly moved out, not wanting to personally invite trouble.

The journey back the the Slat was a peaceful one, as it always was with Inej. You talked about Arken's betrayal, the documents she'd found and copied and some amounts of kruge that was just lying on the desk.

"Well despite everything, atleast we got it done," you grimaced slightly and opened the door, immediately walking over to the bar to get yourself a shot atleast. You needed the liquor desperately.

"Oh you're h- Saints!" Wylan sputtered, taking in the bloody sight when you turned. "You're drinking whiskey?!"

"Wy," you said, trying to explain before you faced his wrath. "I needed it".

"Like hell you did," he shook his head and called Nina so urgently that anyone would think you were dying.

"Don't- Wylan-" you cut yourself off after seeing his glare.

"Calm your potions, she's not dying" Nina Zenik said after one glance at your figure lounging in the chair.

"But she's injured!"

"Injury and death don't mean the same thing! And she looks alright to me except for a few cuts. Oh you and Inej have matching tattoos now," she said with a laugh.

"Jesper!" You summoned your gunslinger and he appeared right before you. "Take your man away or I'm going to actually die".

The boy got out of his haze of sering you all bruised and bloodied up before smirking a little and throwing a wink. He took hold of Wylan's arm and dragged his away.

"Matthias get me some bandages would you?" Nina asked as she healed the cuts and Matthias who had finished dressing Inej's arm walked over to you.

"Ouch woman!" You groaned and threw your head back, squeezing your eyes shut.

"It's the size of a paper cut! You don't shout this much when you have a literal bullet in your shoulder".

"They hurt more".

She rolled her eyes though a smile was present on her face as she cleaned the blood from your neck and healed the long cut there.

"Where's Kaz?" You asked, not wanting to admit that you had missed him and wanted to be in his presence.

"He's out somewhere, probably finding another deal," Matthias sighed and bandaged your palm.

After some time you were all healed though the scars were as clear as day. You didn't mind them at all because you were convinced they made you look even more terrifying and beautiful.

"You all okay?" You questioned Inej who was sharpening her collection of knives.

"I always am," she smiled and took your knife to sharpen making you give her a grateful look.

It was now almost past eleven at night and you were sitting on the bed in Kaz's room waiting for him. You wanted to see him, had longed for him after being away for almost an entire day.

And the Saints did answer your plea albeit a while later. You heard the familiar tap of his cane and heavy footsteps as he climbed the staircase and opened the door. His eyes sharp but relaxing upon seeing you.

"Mission went well?" He asked and took off his coat and hat while walking towards you and slumping down on the bed.

"Yes, though Arken's betrayal was a great bit of surprise," you said and sat up, unconsciously putting weight on your elbows and arms in doing so and hissing hissing angrily, clutching your sore muscles.

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately but when you didn't answer, he got up to turn on the lights and saw your scrunched up face.

And one by one he took notice of the bruises that were turning black and blue, bandages being wrapped around your palm and bicep and a thin but prominent scar on your neck. He swallowed the unfamiliar restlessness, fighting the urge to wrap you in his arms and kill the man who had injured you so badly.

"You're hurt," he stated as though you weren't aware of it and closed the distance, sitting as close to you as possible. "You're hurt," he repeated, his eyes flicking from every part of you back to your eyes.

"I was, I'm okay now".

"Who?" He all but spat out, his insides burning with hatred.

"Arken. But I killed him, don't worry".

He eased a little and removed his gloves, cautiously reaching forward to hold your bandaged palm in both of his hands. His breath hitched at the coldness and you made a move to pull away but his grip tightened and he shook his head firmly.

Slowly but surely he relaxed again, feeling comfortable as he unknowingly cradled your hand with such gentleness that you closed your eyes. His fingers traced the edge of the white material, rubbing slow circles.

He suddenly looked up and your breath got caught in your throat at the sheer proximity between you two. You were so close that you could feel the air he heavily exhaled and a faint blush was quick to rise on your cheeks. His dark brown irises staring intently into yours with a flame of possessiveness.

His eyes dipped down to your lips before moving to the scar on your cheekbone and his eyebrows furrowed just a tiny bit. He raised his hand once again, he had only done it once before and the feeling was a huge rival to drowning.

His jaw tightened when the tip of his index finger touched your jaw as softly as a feather. Despite wanting to stay still, you couldn't help it and leaned into his hand, conveying the message that you needed more.

He understood and gritted his teeth, carefully sliding his palm upwards to cup your cheek. His chest expanded as he released the pent up frustration.

This feeling, it was a rival to heaven.

Now that he had touched your skin, he craved more. His thumb softly caressed the scar like it may disappear under his brush. The finger moved at a leisurely pace, soaking in the beautiful feeling for as long as he could hold on.

You couldn't bring yourself to talk after witnessing the tenderness that oozed from his touches and caresses. It was like nothing you had experienced before. The moment felt so precious and for good reason.

You smiled at him, your eyes displaying the immense love that your heart held only for him and also silently thanked him.

He noticed. Of course he did.

And he offered you a gorgeous smile of his own. His lips stretching though not too wide but it was perfect for you and you fell for him yet again.

You found home in his smile and he saw love in your eyes.

===============================

[mmdefectiveplayer]

Duncan.

When it comes to Duncan, there are three things I've been wanting to discuss for some time now. Duncan's personality, his storyline and his feelings towards both Courtney and Gwen. A lot of my thoughts will be based on his behavior in different seasons of the show, and some of them will be just my headcanons (but trust me, they'll be reasonable too). I know that TD is after all more like a comedy show, in which things that in real life we would consider bad/disturbing/impossible/off-putting/sad are simply funny to us when we watch it, because of the way they are presented. They are supposed to make us laugh, so we usually do, with or without any second thoughts. But I'm from that type of people who likes to analyze everything and everyone, even if it's just a penguin from one infamous movie. I don't care. I just love doing it.

When I watched Total Drama for the first time, which happened not so long ago actually, because when I was a kid, my parents didn't allow me watch most of the modern animation (It's a long story, and it doesn't really matter right now). I mentioned this fact because it's important for me to let you know, that I don't like any characters because of the pure nostalgia, since I never watched TD before. I started this show when I already had my own opinions and knowledge about how to share them. So when I say that I like a character, there's no doubt that I perfectly understand their flaws, bad character traits, and I like this character not because I'm wearing my pink glasses and I refuse to take them off, not wanting to stop admiring my favorite character with the same passion, with which I used to admire them when I was small.

That's why when I say I really like Duncan, it definitely doesn't mean that I never criticize him and his doings. Actually, I think that's the reason why I'm interested in his persona so much. He is anything but perfect, and this is a big "YES" to me. My favorite characters are never simple, and I doubt that yours are. It's not necessary to associate yourself (kin) with your favs, but I like to believe that still, the main reason why we like some fictional guys is something that we might have in common with them. It can be buried deep inside of you, and it can take a long time filled with constant self-analysis and concentration to figure it out, but it's usually really entertaining, and can be actually worth it.

One of the things that i want to talk about, is Duncan's part of his personality which is, in my opinion, overlooked. Some people already mentioned it, and it's pretty obvious if you think about it. But here, on subreddit, I never saw anyone talking about it, which kinda disappointed me, because even though it's pretty obvious, it's still important.

Duncan is a typical attention attractor. Yeah, I know, it really is obvious. It's kinda mixed with his "lone wolf" status, but is still really notable. You can see his attempts at making everyone look at him when he bullies Harold or somebody else (which is a rare case), or when he's simply being a brat again. Sometimes he can say something controversial, even though I'm preatty sure he knows that he's gonna get his ass kicked right after that. Like when he mocks Chris's challenges, and then it's either Chris himself, or Chef, who makes him suffer for saying crap about their ideas. You have to be an idiot to not see it coming, and Duncan isn't dumb. He may act like a total jerk at times, but he can also be sneaky, unpredictable and surprisingly intelligent when he wants to. He is really lazy and tends to give up quickly when he can't do something well from the start, unlike Courtney, who will keep on trying and trying until it's over, even if her loss is inevitable. Duncan being an attention attractor perfectly explains his behavior in TDAS, making his storyline there just a little bit more understandable. This is why I never had any problems with him "losing his edge". Because if you think about it from this angle, he never really did. All of his problems in All Stars he created himself. The easiest way to brought people's attention to you is to be insufferable and mean all the time, and that's exactly what Duncan's been doing since the first episode. I'm not saying he isn't taking any pleasure in humiliating others, he does, but in some odd way, I'd say. I'll try to explain how I see this, but before I do it, I'd like to remind you that I don't justify his actions and I'm not trying to victimize him and make him look good. I'm just trying to understand the world from his perspective, the way he sees things and how he feels. Okay, let's get to it.

Duncan's probably really insecure about a lot of things in himself. An old story about a bully being actually weaker then everyone thought might be a cliché, but is actually works in real life. Now see, Duncan's not a psychopath. He is probably a sadist at some point, but there's no way he can be an actual psychopath, a person who lacks empathy towards other people around them. You only have to remember that "bunny" episode, and how willing Duncan was to make his friend feel better to realize how caring he can be when it comes to people that matter to him. When it comes to Harold, there were some episodes in which these two could get along pretty well. In Action Duncan continued to rip Harold off, but in the same season he admitted that he values Harold in some way, and then he even praised him (TDA, episode 11, 18:00 and 18:40). In Action Duncan also mentioned that he bullies Harold for making Courtney go home in a previous season, but I think it's a lie, or just an excuse for him to not stop on mocking him. Harold is like a fall guy for Duncan, someone who can't fight him back and that's why the easiest prey. If Duncan needs to prove something to himself, he will go and punch Harold, just to calm the rage inside of him. When Duncan feels weak, he can also just say something rude about him, or do something that will make Harold look stupid. And that way, he makes himself believe that he's fine, that he's safe, that no one will try to hurt him, as long as he is not as weak as Harold.

But in All Stars? There was no Harold in All Stars, which means no one to mock. Of course, there were some other weak contestants, like Cameron, but Harold was the safest option, the one that Duncan knew for a really long time. Perhaps bullying Harold became a habit for Duncan in latest seasons, even though in WT they didn't communicate a lot due to Duncan quitting the show. So in All Stars he doesn't have that one person he will be extremely rude to, making him behave differently from the beginning, not so harsh already. He doesn't notice it for some time. But then he starts to have problems with Gwen, acting all weird and not paying him attention. And Duncan hates not getting attention. He admitted it in the first episode of TDAS, when Courtney ignored him instead of glaring back. He stopped getting the attention he needed, and then he realised how much his behavior's changed since he came there, since both Gwen and Courtney ignored and avoided him. He started acting out in attempts to make them notice him, especially Courtney, since she almost didn't say a single word to him. Duncan likes challenges, he likes when a person he's interested in is hard to get. For him, trying to make Courtney jealous was like a new game, and eventually, he went too far, making Gwen feel like a pawn, like a tool for fixing Duncney. So no wonder she dumped him pretty fast.

And now let's talk about Duncan's fears. When Gwen broke up with him, instead of understanding his mistakes and realising that the reason they aren't together anymore is his own neglect and his annoying obsession with Courtney, he immediately thought that Gwen dumped him because he's not that cool anymore, because he lost his edge. And that says a lot about him and the way he sees himself. He thinks that him being a jerk to everyone is what makes him wanted and needed, that his loved ones will love him back as long as he's strong and intimidating. That's why when he's in search of a flaw, the first thing he noticed was his change from a total "bad guy" to something more complicated, (more interesting). Duncan freaks out. Like, really freaks out. That is the only explanation to his sudden need to cause trouble, to hurt someone. He feels like he can't play the role he has been playing for his whole life, like he just can't do that anymore for some reason, when actually the most of it is just in his head. Ironically, he trapped himself in his own ball of fears and complexes, and then, because of being too afraid that everyone will notice, he starded being too obvious about it, and everyone actually noticed. While others (most of them) seemed to like his new soft and open personality, Duncan was sure that everyone secretly judges and is making fun of him. Probably with Chris mocking him all the time he just became a walking self-disappointment, thinking most of the time about how to prove that he's still strong and free. (And "free" is an important word, and we will get back to it later) That's why it doesn't matter how stupid the idea of blowing up Chris's cottage (mantion) was, it was crazy enough to seem worthy to Duncan. Just because this would be "bad" enough.

Only he miscalculated. Being so not okay with his own change made him think that everybody else isn't okay with it either. That the reason he gets hurt by others is because he isn't him anymore, and that probably makes him feel useless. He can't live his normal life when people think "wrong" of him. Duncan has so many things he wants to prove to everybody, but no one really cares about his change, and that's what Duncan's not able to understand. When the cottage is gone, Duncan is sent to prison. Was it worth it? No. Did he make everyone "respect" and "like" him again? No, he made the situation only worse. In the end, he did all of that for nothing.

I said that we were gonna come back to this "freedom" thing? Well, there's not much to discuss, I guess a lot of other users said that before me, (it goes with everything in this post, tbh) but Duncan wants to be free SO bad, that I can't imagine it being just his another act, his punk little duty. Remember how often he uses those "Hey, don't tell me what to do!" phrases? Remember how he absolutely hates being commanded? (Unless it's Courtney) And that's not just a normal thing, no, it's a huge trigger for him. He gets defensive so fast when somebody's trying to put him down. (Heather calling him "pretty boy" in TDA, episode 3 13:55) Moments like this just show how fragile and sensitive he truly is. But from where could these problems be? The most obvious answer would be his relationship with his parents. We do know that Duncan's parents are not so proud of his life, and that's not surprising at all. But that old short video with them (Duncan's parents asking him to win the money) is what makes me feel like there's more than just dissatisfaction between this family. Don't get me wrong, I think his father loves him very much, and I'm not gonna make a monster out of him for being mad at Duncan and his criminal tendencies, it's a normal thing to be mad at. But I might assume that he is a strict person, who tells people what to do on a daily basis (He's a cop after all). Of course, a lot of Duncan's impulsive decisions that he's made are easily explained by his wish to rebel, to show his father that he can't just decide for him. I mean, Duncan wasn't always a delinquent, right? I'm sure he was always weirdly loud and wayward, but his father had to push him really hard if after that his son became a criminal. But it doesn't mean that Duncan isn't brutal without his want to stand out. It doesn't mean that if his father was more lenient with him he'd behave better. Perhaps it would be only for the worst, because then Duncan wouldn't have any limits. It's just how it is and that's all. His relationship with his mother is less understandable, but I'll tell you my theory anyway. It's canon that Duncan has a lot of relatives, including siblings. (we don't know the exact number) Here's what I think: having many siblings means sharing your parent's attention. Duncan grew up dealing with the fact that sometimes he has to wait before he can get his mother to listen to him, because she's busy with the other kids. (I just assume Duncan's not the youngest, but even if he is, that doesn't change a lot) I don't think that he holds a grudge on his siblings, but I do think that he might be offended on his parents (maybe without even realizing it). So to sum up: Duncan feels like he never gets his mother's attention and thinks that the only way he can get it - is to do something big and loud, something that will MAKE her notice him. On the other hand, his father makes him feel like he owns him. Like someone is trying to take over him, make him something he isn't. That's why his crimes aren't only his attempt at making his mother more concerned of him, but also a sign to his controlling dad, that by screaming and punishing him he won't make Duncan someone else. Duncan will be himself, even if it means that his dad will be disappointed.

And the last but not the least, Duncan and his feeling towards Courtney and Gwen. There's no need to repeat how toxic both of these relationships turned out, because you have to be blind to not notice that. The main question for me is about him loving them. Did he really? Sometimes we forget that these people are teens, they were only 16 when the show started, so relationships weren't supposed to be a serious thing for them. And Duncan wasn't ready for someone as serious as Courtney for sure. Of course, he liked her appearance, her body. He liked some of her character traits, like her being extremely bossy to everyone. But he only liked her complex character in times when they weren't together, and when her anger wasn't directed at him (just check out TDA, he doesn't like it when she's treating him like an employee). It seems like she was just another challenge for him, another thing to achieve. But what happened after he got her to himself? When they were back together again, he got tired of her pretty easily, and even though they had their moments, her being constantly jealous and mad is what made him lost his interest in her. It made him stop having a crush at her. But being in love with her? It's a whole other thing. Again, they were teens. And from what I know, Duncan and Courtney had been dating for no longer than a year (While being on set of TDI and TDA, and then for some months before TDWT), and Gwuncan probably didn't last longer. The most promising couple from the show, which actually has a future was Geoff and Bridgette, since both of them are mentally stable people who can actually help each other out. Love is a really strong feeling which actually comes with time, whether you like it or not (please don't try to bring up that "love from first sight" thing), and both Gwencan and Duncney didn't have that time to truly connect. Shame. Still, my personal favourite was Gwencan, since those guys were just better for each other. Instead of trying to change Duncan, Gwen understood him and liked him the way he was. If only AS didn't happen they might've been the best couple in the show for me! Fresh TV completely messed up Gwen's priorities in All Stars. In WT she's sad that her friendship with Courtney is over, but she mostly glad that now she doesn't have to hide anything and can be with the guy she likes without any secrets! Then, in the end of WT Gwen doesn't care abouth her at all, and THEN, in AS she's suddenly obsessed with Courtney forgiving her, and AT THE SAME TIME she keeps defending herself, explaining why she didn't steal anyone. If you think that you didn't do anything wrong, then why are you sorry? For what? It was such a pain to watch Gwuncan die like this. Especially when they just made her stop liking Duncan immediately after AS started. It was like these two never happened and she didn't have that crush on him for some time (she already liked him after TDA ended). But I don't hate Duncney. It was also really entertaining and I liked them at first. They could've been a perfect example of two difficult people getting better together, helping each other overcome their weaknesses. Them being different might've been the best thing about their duo! The problem was... Courtney. And her lack of character development in the next seasons after TDI. Duncney's perfect climax should've been Courtney losing the season and not winning the money but not caring so much already, because Duncan helped her become more laid back and not so impulsive and demanding. Fair? Maybe not. Healthy? Healthier then if she actually wins the money and just lives in that mad state forever, until she dies.

I guess I'm out of thoughts. For now...

It you actually spent your time on my little read, then let me know your opinion in the comments! I wanna hear your thoughts on everything you wanna share with the internet! How do you feel about Duncan? Gwuncan or Duncney? What headcanons do you have? Write whatever you wanna write and just go and, I don't know, drink some milk?

How do I finish this?

[doggiewoggiez]

There's an experience that's super common if not universal among larger, louder, more masc transfems, that I never see talked about. It comes typically from smaller, more petite and fragile transfems, the kind who put a lot of effort into things like passing (which there's nothing wrong with, and i hate that i have to specify that for this exact reason), where they're just looking for any reason to construe something you said as problematic in some way because they don't like you personally. It could be that they feel threatened because they see you as a big dangerous man and themselves as your potential victim. It could be that you and your presentation confuse them and that makes them angry. It could just be that this is how they treat everyone they're not currently having a discord petplay rp with. I've seen it all and more. But no matter what you do or say, if you reblog a post, they'll scour OP's account to find something problematic from 2018 that you wouldn't have found unless you were really digging, if you make a joke they'll say it was offensive or in poor taste and then turn around and make the same joke to universal applause, if you talk to them at all, they'll say you've been acting creepy and they're threatened by you.

Really, if you differentiate yourself from that vocal minority of the trans community that's all programmer socks and polycules, if you express an emotion that isn't uwu or >///< or ^~^ or :3, you're branded as hateful, violent, threatening, creepy, weird, or something else that just means you're the wrong type of tranny. God forbid you don't like something for some reason other than it's whatever the fuck "problematic" means. No matter how good your behavior is, they're repulsed by you, they revile you, but they've built this identity around softness and acting like a Steven Universe character, so they can't just say that outright. They can't even admit that to themselves, because it's unfashionable and doesn't match the soft aesthetic they're going for. So they make up reasons you're a bad person and then convince themselves before trying to convince others. And when they find or make up their nail in the coffin and you're branded a "bad person" it's anyone's game, they can be as shitty to you as they want without feeling guilty.

Obviously this is the oldest trick in the book, and it's gone by a million names. Tone policing, internalized transmisogyny, chronic grass touching deficiency, paggro, weaponized fragility, what have you. Trans women universally experience this from "TME" folks (because it's unfashionable to say AFABs, even though cis women and nonbinary people and transmascs can be equally hateful and vile about this), but I think it's something far more insidious when it comes from our own community. Does it make you feel like more of a woman to punch down like the others do? Does it make them smile and nod and pretend to approve of you long enough for you to feel something? Are you just going through the motions long after the people you learned this from have given you the same treatment, stalwart in the act of deciding that anyone who makes you feel that pang of discomfort somewhere between your stomach and your chest is a Bad Person, and it's not your fault that they're always the people who don't try for your ideas of femininity and trans womanhood? Are you too afraid to admit to yourself that, no matter how many posts you reblog about how there's no right or wrong way to be a woman, you don't believe it in your heart of hearts?

I'll never understand it, and it's not something that can be talked out. It's a treatment I'd bet money just about every transfem over 6'1 or 250lbs has gotten from someone or other. It's sad, too, because there's no concise way to articulate it, and if you say anything, you're just adding fuel to the fire, and you KNOW these girls who act like this just fully buy into it. It's completely cultlike behavior imo. If you or a friend seems to be suffering from this, if you look deep at your own behavior and question it, I advise you to really work hard at unlearning that shit. If the hurt you're causing others won't convince you, maybe the hurt you're causing yourself without realizing will.

[delicateartisantrash]

I'll even go so far as to say there's not always a right / wrong status to things unless you make it that way!

It's easy to react with disbelief when someone posits an idea / information that doesn't match your current understanding. The idea then is to be open to considering new data; which is where all that verification and questioning curiosity comes in.

Someone providing me new information that I can now decide whether or not to act on, merely equips me with more information. It doesn't mean I was a terrible person or an idiot for not knowing this stuff before they revealed it to me, or set me on some path that I ended up learning more-- how can I expect to know something I was never taught, never encountered?

Even things people may consider every day basic to them, maybe somehow I just never encountered it in my life for whatever reason.

Not knowing something doesn't make you stupid. Being provided the means to educate yourself and even -consider- that you may have outdated or less efficient or accurate info on a silver platter, then deciding to completely ignore it with zero curiosity to weigh it against current understandings, might make you look pretty damn the fool.

Doubting yourself to the point of accepting criticism from anyone who barks at you with authority in their words and claiming their right, and blindly accepting that without a question asked-- that'll turn you into a fool by undermining your own integrity and intelligence. It's hard. It's SO HARD. I recently went through it-- had someone i looked up to turn around and undermine my confidence by revealing how poorly they thought of me... and i began to doubt my own actions.

Then my friends gave me a good ol' reset with a metaphorical slap to the face and shaking me by the shoulders and reminding me i'm actually pretty damn smart even when i'm wrong. Especially since I'm willing to change, once provided with satisfactory data.

But speaking as someone who was often told point-blank that "you're stupid / not smart" in any number of ways by some very not awesome people growing up, and even as an adult, you know what?

Fuck 'em. You know you're smart because you're willing to keep learning. If they're trying to undermine you with accusations of low or faulty intelligence, they're probably just trying to distract you from the fact they don't actually have a solid, logical argument to stand on themselves. If they can't present their perspective in a mature and reasonable manner, then they're probably not worth arguing with on the topic, anyways. You'll just dull your own IQ against the brick wall of their obtuseness.

Media will try to do this. They'll try to make you think this way about other people. Here's an easy example-- how many folks, especially in foreign countries, have a very specific idea of what an "American" is? I can tell you, I myself and most my own friends don't remotely fit into the very poor negative stereotype of my nationality boasted about online like it's absolute fact!

Do away with preconceptions. They are useful, because... well, frankly, sterotypes exist for a reason, but they're still a stereotype and not the whole picture. Just one tiny drop in an ocean of data. But they're also limiting-- and it drives me up a wall when media and news reports have lines like "Americans are trying to" or "Americans believe" or "Americans are all"

Excuse me? I'm an American and I don't do whatever teh fuck the article is claiming 'we all do?'

So be wary of 'absolutes.' Kinda falls into what I said before on be wary of broad generalizations. Data is data, but it can also be greatly diverse and not applicable to every single situation even within a frame of relevant similarity. Sure, tehre's probably plenty of people on the American continent who do X or Y or Z as a news article claims. But it sure ain't all of 'em!

Spotting misleading information

@datschaos and I got to talking about this one time and they suggested that I should post my thoughts so here we go

First, let’s define a few terms. Most people are already familiar with misinformation (lies) and disinformation (false propaganda), but “misleading information” is a little trickier. Misleading information isn’t factually wrong - instead, it cherry-picks data and frames it in such a way as to lead the reader to a predetermined conclusion, usually one that would not ordinarily be reached if the reader had all the facts.

Let’s look at an example. In 2014, Time magazine ran an article with the headline “10000 Racial Slurs are Tweeted Each Day”. This article was also run by several other outlets, each with similar headlines, all citing the same study.

Now, the natural reaction to seeing a headline like this is to go “Wow, that sounds really bad!”. And while the article does go on to temper this statement a bit, the headline itself is what I’m going to focus on, because in the modern day, that headline (and not the contents therein) are what is going to get spread around repeatedly on social media. It’s what people are going to remember and share and spread around and generate outrage from.

But here’s the thing: in 2014, according to an SEC filing, Twitter had 500 MILLION tweets per day. For sake of argument let’s assume that 25% of that is bots - a hard number to pin down (estimates range from 5% to 80%) but we have to pick a number and this lies in a rough median. The article is also only referencing English tweets, roughly 35% of 2014 tweets, so let’s bring that down even farther to 131 million tweets. 10,000 tweets out of 131,000,000 tweets per day is 0.007% of daily tweets.

Suddenly, when you reframe the article’s information with the relevant context, it sounds a lot less frightening. You’re probably less likely to get outraged over a tiny fraction of a percent. In fact, hearing that the amount of racist garbage on Twitter is that low might even feel reassuring, to some degree. This is what I mean by “misleading information” - the numbers are factual, but the context flips its impact on its head.

This is just one example, one that’s relatively easy to research and get numbers for. Not every scenario is cut and dry. If I had to sum up a way to spot this sort of thing in the wild, I’d say this:

“If someone gives you raw, point-in-time numbers with no related figures to compare/contrast, that figure is probably misleading. If, on top of that, there’s ALSO no cited sources…it’s probably INTENTIONALLY misleading.”

[moved2usagiiboo]

Love spell

MINORS DNI (I know I can not stop you but if I find out, you will be blocked.) This is my first time writing a fan fiction on Tumblr, let's see how this goes !

Warnings: Degrading, face fucking, explicit description, oral male receiving, sexual acts using toys. (Let me know if I missed any)

As a young girl, you believed in finding your prince charming, he'd swoop in on his mighty steed and steal your heart. You'd be enamored by his wits and courage, and he your beauty and intelligence. "The one".

At the age of 17, a high school student obsessed with the idea of traditional love. You found him. Your one and only, but he was far from prince charming, he didn't ride a mighty steed nor own a castle, but he was yours and you love him. Your highschool sweetheart, you both have cried together, laughed together, experienced many emotions together. You, in many ways, were each other's firsts.

First break down, first date, first hand holding, first kiss, first lover, and after a year of dating, you were each others' first time.

You could still remember the night, you have both been planning this for months. On your one year anniversary, you would get a room for the night at a local love hotel, there would be soft music playing, dimmed lights, candles burning, and that's where and how he take your virginity and you his. Perfect.

It didn't go that way to say the least, being very inexperienced. The first time he tried to penetrate you, you pushed him off and hide under the blanket saying, "that's not going to fit", during foreplay you accidentally hit his head with your own, not to mention almost setting the room on fire with the lit candles. But after many laughs and giggles, you successfully lost your virginity to him and you couldn't be happier.

It was far from movie perfect but for both you and him it was everything and more.

Present day you are almost two years into your relationship and you both couldn't be happier. Draken treated you with the utmost respect and care, he always takes care of you, there's barely any arguments between the two of you. Everything is perfect. Kind of.

That's how you found yourself in the streets of Shibuya's red light district, near the brothel where your lover grew up in, so you think. You looked down at your phone.

"Shit!" You hit the side of your phone as it read "connection lost, rerouting", this had been the third time it has done this, you zoned out while trying to fix your phone so you can actually make it to your destination before it gets too late. You didn't hear the woman calling your name.

"Y/N!" You felt a hand gripping your shoulder, spinning you around to face them.

"Oh! Akai!" You exclaimed happily as you locked eyes with the person in front of you, a younger woman in a red silk dress, short blonde hair with long lashes.

"What are you doing out here? It's late. Shouldn't you be home by now?" She asked in a concerned tone looking you up and down. You wore an all black hoodie with baby yellow accents, along with black joggers.

"Oh, well, I'm was looking for you." You said bashfully with a slight giggle in your tone.

"Oh?" Akai questioned.

"Well, not you specifically but the hotel! You see, I got lost trying to find it and my stupid phone keeps rerouting me!" You complained, while pushing your phone in her face to show her your problem. She simply laughs, she locks arms with yours.

"Dont worry, big sister Akai will take you there, then you can explain why you're looking for us in the first place." Akai said with a wink.

A few minutes passed and you've arrived at the brothel, she brought you a drink and sat you down in her room with a couple of other girls, you all on the floor together, after short introductions and small talk Akai 'cut to the chase' as she likes to say. Chugging her bottle of beer, she looked at you with her slightly flushed face, along with the rest of the girls there.

"Spill the beans, whats going on? Trouble in paradise?" Akai smirked crawling her way towards you. You lifted your knees to your chest wondering if you should even be here, was this a stupid idea? You must've sat with your thoughts for a while, Akai looked at you with a bit of sadness in her eyes.

You could feel your face heating up with embarrassment, your heart was beating out of your chest. You figured this would be the best place to go to learn how to do it but what if they would make fun of you? What if they tell Draken? You really didn't think this through as well as you should have.

"Hey, whatever is going on.. You can tell us, we see you like our little sister ya' know?" She says with a smile, wrapping her arm around your shoulder to comfort you. Shes always been like this, ever since she walked in on you and Draken kissing, she's been the biggest help and supporter of your relationship. You couldn't ask for a better friend.

With a deep breath you decide tell them your issues, you were here anyways.

"Okay, so, I want to learn how to give oral." You said looking down at the ground fiddling your fingers, quite embarrassed about what you just said.

"Draken has, well, done it to me a couple of times and I wanted to return the favor. The thing is, everytime I try he rejects me. Telling me, 'i don't have to do things like that'. He's so considerate sometimes it pisses me off." You ranges to the girls as they listened with opening ears.

"I mean, what type of guy rejects a blow job? It's not like he has erectile dysfunction or his dick is small. I just don't get it." You were practically fuming at the memory of him pushing him off of you as you tried to suck him off.

"Maybe he's just shy?" One of the girl's offered her opinion.

"Oh no, this man is not shy! At all" You explained remembering some of the down right filthiest things he's muttered in your ears during your time together. "He's anything but that."

"Maybe he's scared you'll bite it." Akai said causing herself and others to snicker at her comment. You could only sigh.

"Would I be that bad my first time?" You muttered to yourself.

"Everybody is, it's a practice thing." Akai explained, she got up to grab herself another bottle of beer. "What you need, is practice." She smirked handing you the bottle.

"Yeah, but how? He won't let me." You said tilting your head at her statement, taking the bottle out her hand.

"Alright girlies, get out." Akai said while looking at the other women in the room with the two of you.

"Ehhh? Whyy? We wanna help too!" One of the girl exclaimed, getting multiple replies of other girls who agree.

"We don't wanna make Y/n feel any more embarrassed than she already does." Also sighed at the childish responses of her coworkers.

You were hiding your face in your phone at this point, it was honestly one of your worst ideas, but if it helped you with Draken it was worth it.

Small "awh man", "I wanted to hear more", and other complaints came out their mouths as they left the room one by one. You waves goodbye to the girls muttering a small thank you to them for listening.

"Alright!" Akai exclaimed while squatting down to reach under her bed, pulling out a box full of,

"Toys! The best practice you can get in such a small amount of time." She smirked pushing the box towards you. You could feel the blood rush to your face as you stared at the box filled with sex toys, you're far from innocent but there's still things you've never used or seen before, toys being one of them. Akai dug in the box full of excitement.

"I'll be your first!" She smirked, she pulled out multiple many toys just throwing them out the box without a care as to where they'll land. Finally, she pulled out an unopened box, "private fun" read the lable, it was all black with dark purple letters on it, it was a sleek box, very fancy to say the least.

"I haven't used this one yet, considering I never feel the need to. This'll be my first gift to you." She said tossing the box to you while looking for something else in her closet.

"Just what exactly is this?" You asked picking up the box to further examine it.

"A dildo! Duh." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world,

"Oh! And this!" She threw a small bottle towards you, "Love spell" a small pink bottle that could be mistaken for a 5-hour energy drink.

"Draken won't be back home for a while, which means, we have around" She looked at the clock hanging on her wall, "an hour and thirty minutes. Which is just enough time!"

"Wait wait wait!" You looked at her with complete confusion, "I have no idea what's going on! Why do I need all of this?" You looked at your hand and the items that are now in your possession, "Love spell", a dildo, and beer.

"Welllllll," Akai said drawing out the word, "You need practice, not like you can fuck a rando before Draken gets back, you also need liquid courage and a secret weapon!" She explained. "Now we don't have much time, chug both the beer and our secret weapon." She winked at you.

You're really starting to reject your decision, but there's no backing out now. You opened the bottle of whatever was in the pink container and chugged it down, quickly opening the beer to help with the bitter taste of the first liquid. It could show on your face the level of disgust you had for drinking this, you could never understand how Draken drank beer all the time, and whatever the hell this 'love spell' is taste disgusting. It was bitter and tangy, it even overpowered the beer.

Akai worked on opening the package to the dildo, while you were dealing with the taste of the liquids you just drank. She looked at you with menacing eyes and a devious smile that sent shivers down your spine.

She stood up and squatted in front of you holding that item in her hand as if it was nothing. Your eyes widened at the sight of it, it was big, yet flimsy. It was a pretty light blue color for such a naughty item.

"Take it." She handed you the dildo, "grip it with both hands." And so you did it. Following her every command.

"N-Now what?" You questioned feeling slight tipsy from the bottle of beer you just chugged, your face flushed from either holding a dildo or the beer, you couldn't tell, but it made this whole situation a lot worse for your lower region.

"Open." Akai tapped the bottom of your chin telling you to open your mouth, and so you did with the most innocent look in your eyes.

"Slowly bring it to your mouth, you want to tease him, lick the tip." You stuck your tongue out making small swirls onto the tip of the fake cock, "Alright, now slowly take it in, don't force anything." You opened your mouth wider to take in the inches of the cock, bringing it to the back of your throat causing you to choke and gag as it hit it. You quickly pulled the fake dick out and began to cough.

"I told you slowly. Let's try again." She squished your face with a hand pulling it up, the other held onto the dildo. "Open." She said again and you did. She guided the dildo into your mouth, slowly moving it in and out, barley reaching the back of your throat. "Breathe through your nose, don't panic." She said as she began to pick up the pace. Rapidly moving the dildo in and out. "Use your tongue at the bottom of it, stick it out." She commanded. Spit began to drip from the side of your mouth onto the floor, you felt as if you were losing yourself. Tears welled in your eyes as you swallowed down the dildo. It wasnt even real, it wasn't even Draken's but for some reason it made your head pound and your pussy twitch with excitement. If this feels as good as it does, you couldn't help but wonder how Draken's would feel, how it would feel against the back of your throat.

Akai picked up on the pace making the dildo hit the back of your throat causing you to convulse onto the dildo, you close an eye and winces as it attacked your throat.

"Try it yourself." She said letting go, letting you have full control. You started slow, pushing the dildo in and out your mouth as she did, trying to follow her lead. You tried to take more of it, you shoved the dildo deep into your throat, forcing all the inches into your mouth, you could feel it bulge through your throat as held it in place forcing you to choke on it. You felt your warm tears drip down your face, you weren't letting up. You wanted to feel it down your throat, the warm, the tightness, you wanted to feel Draken. You finally pulled it out, watching as the inches slipped out of your mouth.

"Guess what bottle really did wonders!" Akai giggled. "Deepthroating huh? You're basically a pro." You looked at her with a stained face, drool down the side of your mouth, and glassy eyes. You finally felt the embarrassment hit you, you covered your face dropping the dildo onto the ground making incoherent noises.

"I think you're ready." She smirked patting your head watching you in distress.

"I am?" You questioned, it was that easy?

"Yep! Actually, take this." She tossed you one last thing before telling you to go wait in his room. As you walked to his room you felt your head ring, the only thing you could hear was the needy throbbing of your inner walls. You couldn't wait for Draken to get back, just what did Akai give you? You had no time to be embarrassed about what you just did in the other room, you just wanted him. All of him.

You found yourself in his barley lit room, sitting on his bed. It was him, his scent, you could feel him around you even if he wasn't physically present. Your inner walls clenched at the thought of your boyfriend. You changed out of your clothes and into what Akai gave you, it was a sleek princess pink teddy with a deep V neck to perfectly show off your breasts. There were straps in the back that cupped your ass making it look juicier than before. There was a deep slit in the middle of the dress, a small move and not only would your stomach be revealed but your pussy would be as well. You made your way over to his bed to wait, you sat down and got engulfed in his smell. It was painful to just wait, the way your panties got wetter by the second, you decided to lay down but it only got worse. Minutes passed by but it felt like hours, you wanted to call him and tell him to hurry but you already showed up unannounced. You didn't want to pester him anymore, so you waited. You don't know when but you found your walls squeezing your fingers tightly as you moved them in and out. Moans and a wet sound filled the room as you toyed with yourself. Your face was in his pillow breathing him in as your other hand was toying with your breasts, pinching, squeezing, and pulling your nipples. It felt good but not good enough, it couldn't bring you to that high that Draken could. You found yourself calling him out, chanting his him like a mantra underneath your moans. You didn't even notice when he came in the room.

"Y/N?" Draken called out as he closed the door. The look on his face was priceless, his gaping mouth and widened eyes as he looked at the sight of you being so desperate for him calling out his name with fingers inside your cunt.

"D-Draken, m'sorry, couldnt wait. Need you." You whined. Pushing your fingers deeper making your back arch. At this point, he was stunned. The shy girl who never seeked anything sexual, the same girl who blushes when they held hands even after being together all the time. That girl was fingering herself on his bed begging for his cock. It was an instant turn on.

"S'all your fault!" You cried out with tears in your eyes, you got up and looked him in the eyes. "All cause you won't let me touch you..." You pouted.

"Ha? What are you talking about?" Draken questioned you. You weren't paying attention to him, you crawled from the bed stepping on the cold floor with your bare feet. You got on your hands and knees in front of Draken, looking at him with the utmost admiration, but behind those eyes was a look of neediness.

"W-What are you doing?" He watched as you played with his belt buckle, you locked eyes with him once more,

"Can't I?" You asked, kissing the bulge through his pants, "Want you, wanna feel you in my throat." You pulled his pants down revealing his boxers, you rubbed your hand feeling the hardness through the fabric, placing small kisses on it while you you waited for a go, a sign, anything.

"Shit Y/n, who knew you could be so slutty hm?" Draken smirked, "Go ahead." You beamed a smile at him as you pulled his boxers down revealing his harden cock. This is the first time you've seen it up close, it's pretty. It almost looks angry with how flushed it is on the top.

You began to kiss his freed cock, starting from the shaft up, remembering what Akai taught you. Tease him. Littering his cock with kisses, you reached the tip, you began to leave small kitten licks, swirling your tongue on around the tip, prodding the tip of your tongue into the small hole on his cock.

"Shit," Draken muttered under his breath, his voice sounds as if it's gotten deeper. You look up at him to see his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes completely focused on you. "Stop with the teasing." He demanded.

"Don't wanna." You continued to look at him, staring into his gorgeous orbs, "s'punishment for not letting me do this early" You smirked against his dick, bringing one of your hands up to slowly move your hand up and down his shaft. You watched as his breath started to break, his tough exterior was crumbling and it was all because of you, but it wasn't enough, you want to keep going. You have a show to put on.

You open your mouth sucking on just the tip of his cock, bobbing your head slowly with swirling his tip in your mouth.

"Y/N, fuck." He places his hand behind your head as his breath began to get more rapid and broken apart. "Come on, take some more." He was practically begging at this point. So slowly but surely, you widened your mouth, stuck your tongue out, and pushed your head further down to his cock. As much as you could take, the remainder you began to jerk with your hand. Bobbing your head on the inches you could take up and down with jerking him off. Listening to his soft grunts and groans. He was big, you knew this but it's different with it's in your throat, you can see it, your mouth felt full and you didn't even completely take it in. You kept going on this pace, proud of yourself for breaking Draken's tough exterior.

"Going to damn slow." He gripped the back of your head forcing his cock down your throat, you gag at this sudden action. He uses your mouth like a rag doll, forcing his cock in and out your mouth and a hellish pace without stopping, bobbing your head up and down. It hurts, taking all of him.

"Wanna be a dirty slut, gonna treat you like one." He said while gripping your hair harder as he pulled you off his cock, "spit on it." He said, and you did, you spat on the shaft of his cock and opened your mouth again for him to assault your throat.

"So eager to take this dick hm? Couldn't even wait for me to get home, had to play with yourself while I was gone? Who knew my pretty girl was such a dirty slut." He chuckled, under his breath as he continues to use you however he pleased. You placed your hands on either side of his thigh to try and control the pace but it was futile, he was much stronger than you, all you could do was hold yourself up and try not to vomit. Drool dripped down the side of your mouth as he thrusted his cock down your throat.

"Taking all this dick, good girl." He praised you as he held your head against his pelvis forcing his dick down your throat, he looked smug as he saw the outline of his cock through the flesh of your throat, you slapped his thigh to try and get him to let go of you, needing air. The feeling of you shaking on his cock trying to push away to get air was a sight to behold for him, he wanted to bury his cock in your throat forever, never taking it out. He watched as tears dripped down your face, your hair was mess, face stained with tears, drool dripping out the corners of your mouth. You gagging on his cock, digging your nails into his thigh.

Draken finally let go, you gasps for air you so desperately needed.

"Open up." He says pushing your head back, "Stick that slutty tongue of yours out. Gonna cum in your mouth."

You put your hands on your knees, sitting up higher to put the tip of his cock in your mouth as he jerked it. His eyes glared at you, you listened to his grunts like a melody. You never seen him like this, during sex he was very calm and collected, gentle. Never used harsh words, this was different though. For some reason, being used like his cocksleeve had you dripping.

"Gonna cum, Y/n, take it all, don't spill a single drop." His warm cum spurted onto your tongue, he wiped his tip clean on your tongue "that's it, good girl, now swallow it." You closed your mouth and with a single gulp you downed his cum without a second thought.

"Tastes weird..." Wiping the drool from your mouth with the back of your hand. Draken lifts you up by your arm and tosses you on the bed.

"Had to go and get me riled up..." He said while taking his shirt off, "gonna fill you up real nice." He pushed his lips against yours hungrily devouring your mouth, tasting a mixture of both liquor and his own cum, his mouth explored your own in a heated make out session, his hand traveled down past your panties and onto your bare cunt, a finger pushed pass your slit making it's way in. You moaned into the kiss, giving Draken more access to your mouth, swirling his tongue with your own.

You pulled away from the kiss to let out a soft moan as his finger toys with you, he puts another one in causing you to arch your back. His other hand rubs soft circles on your clit, he claims your mouth with another hungry kiss as if this will be the last time he felt your lips against his own.

"So needy, barely did anything to you." You moaned against his lips as he brought you to a high.

"D-Draken!" You moaned out.

"Fuck, trying to amputate my fingers? Loosen up. " He grumbles, his lips go down to your neck, sucking and biting against your fleshing leaving bruises everywhere his mouth touches. You wrap your arms around his neck pulling him in closer, as you begin to grind your hips against his fingers as they work their way in and out of you and the others against your clit.

"Gonna cum on my fingers?" He questions in your ear while biting your ear lobe.

"Gonna cum on em!" You reply, moving your hips faster, you begin to convulse as he brings you to your well deserved orgasm.

"You're gonna do that all on my cock." He muttered against your neck as he works his way down to your tits. He puts his fingers in your mouth muffling your moans as he begins to suck on your now perky nipples. He pushes his fingers in and out your mouth forcing you to taste your own juices, the same fingers that were just in you, that brought you to your orgasm.

After assaulting your mouth with his fingers he reaches over to the side his of bed to grab a condom.

"Put it on for me." Still high on your orgasm you slowly reach your hand up to take the condom out of his own, that's when he pushes your head own to his cock. He rips the packaging placing just the tip of his cock into the condom.

"Use that pretty mouth of yours." He smirks as he watches you take all of his dick into your mouth, pushing the condom down in the process. "Make sure to get it all the way on, wouldn't want any cum to spill out hm?" He says as he caresses your head.

"Such a good girl." He praises you as you bring your head up, "Gonna make you feel real good okay?" He kisses your forehead as he leans you down into the mattress. He slaps your pussy a couple of times with his cock, prodding the tip at the entrance, pushing his tip every so softly in and out, barley giving you anything to work with.

"Stop with the teasing Draken." You whined, locking your legs around his waist, trying to push his cock further into you. He clicks his tongue at your actions, pulling himself completely out before lifting one of your legs and putting it on his shoulder.

"I don't remember you being in control here." He guffed out. He rammed his cock into you without warning causing you to gasp, your eyes wide and mouth agape. "That's more like it." He smirks at your appearance.

He begins to thrust in and out of your tight pussy, watching you unravel on his cock. One hand holding your leg on his shoulder and the other turning your head to face him.

"This what you wanted right?" He honeyed out, this voice being quite sweet unlike his thrusts, the way his cock pulled out of you only to slam right back in. Sounds of skin against skin filled the room, along with your sweet mouths chanting his name like once before.

He pried your mouth open with his fingers bringing his face closer only to spit in your mouth, "Good little whore" he mutters against your ear. His thrusts never stopped, not once, he keeps going until he brings you to an orgasm.

He could feel your body going limp, but he wasn't done yet. He flipped lifted your body, he was now on his knees and you on his lap, your hands tangled in his hair while being wrapped around his neck, his mouth devouring your nipple, he slams his cock into you while being in this new position. His hands on either side of your waist slamming your body onto his own matching the rythm of his thrusts. He bites down on your nipple, you pull his hair as payback, you finally meet eyes. His hair all disheveled and out of his normal braid, his eyes slanted, full of hunger, he looked like a animal eyeing his prey, and you looked extremely delicious right now. He captures your lips in a heated kiss as his grip tightens on your waist, you grind against his cock as you moan into the kiss. You suck on his tongue and he does yours, you bite his lower lip slightly tugging on it.

"God Y/n, who knew you were so cock hungry. Wouldn't have been going so easy on you of I knew you could take it." He chuckles as he lays your body back down onto the mattress and begins pounding your body against his locking his lips with yours again.

"You're sucking me in like crazy." His voice is rough and out of breath. Your walls only tightening around him while hearing his voice, his hand goes back down to your clit rubbing it aggressively.

"Fuck, I'm close, fuck fuck fuck." He announces, muttering an array of curse words as he feels himself getting closer to his climax. "Cum with me, cum on my cock one last time." He picks up the pace with his thrust and the attack on your poor nub, you were nothing more than a moaning drooling mess at this point subject to Draken's aggressiveness, your body shakes and your back arches for the last time as you release your juices onto Draken's cock coming to your final high, he thrusts one last time before he releases in the condom.

He pulls out taking off the condom and throwing it in the nearby bin, he watches as you slowly drift to sleep but not before saying, "I love you."

"Mhm, I love you too, my little vixen." He kisses your forehead before he lays next to you and drifts to sleep.

Sorry if this wasn't the best, it was my first time writing for Draken. He's kind of a difficult character, I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless!

[wh6res]

UP IN SMOKES — DOYOUNG

psych student! kdy | tw. college au, violence, a knife, GASLIGHTING, hallucination, psychosis, swearing, just pure manipulation, minor charac death, there's a court scene, this is a repost! | wc. 10k she a beast

life could’ve been simple;

you shouldn't have met kim doyoung.

what does a freshman in college hate the most other than the high-stress levels of moving into a new dorm? a shitty roomie and a smelly, moldy mattress. the girl you call roommate refuses to help move the mattress because it will ruin her new manicure. what a fucking classic. 

"sounds like a 'you' problem. figure it out yourself, plain jane." 

she said before heading out, annoyingly popping her bubblegum as she kicks a few of your scattered boxes by the front door. you roll your eyes; classes haven't even started yet, so why is she already making your life miserable? as much as you'd like to snap at her, you don't, merely glaring daggers at her back as she finally turns the corner of the hallway and disappears. 

"bitch," you mutter under your breath. 

you eye the abomination that is supposed to be your bed, cursing how you shouldn't have made a 15-minute pit stop to starbucks for a drink when you could've just bought one from the instant coffee vending machines in every corner of the hallway of this dorm building because if you didn't, maybe you could've beaten regina george wannabe from taking the better bed. sighing, you suck it up and start getting to work. life's full of shit, anyway; no point sulking.

moving a moldy mattress is easier than you thought, to say the least. you can't ask for help from the other freshmen you bumped into in the hallway because they, too, are under a huge amount of stress from the move and are busy getting their affairs in order. it was a good thing, though, that a committee was formed specifically for this day to help out the freshmen if they were to stumble upon problems or mishaps with moving in. they were all around the campus, and they prove to be way friendlier than your batch mates. since this morning, three people have already offered help in carrying your luggage — which you have politely declined.

"hey, uhm… is this the stall for the welcoming committee? oh, wait. i'm sorry, there's a sign right there —"ugh.

you mentally shut your eyes in humiliation. why do you have to be this bad, this awkward at communicating with strangers? why couldn't you be born like all those socialites who already (probably) got their contacts filled with new numbers on the first day of school or something?

"yeah, this is them — welcoming committee, i mean. how can i help you?" he smiles, sweet, radiating the epitome boy next door aura as he looks up at you from where he's sitting behind the stall. your eyes quickly land onto the name tag stuck on his varsity jacket before meeting his eyes again. 

"i have an issue with my mattress. it has mold, you see..." your voice slowly trails, becoming quieter as you feel small under the weight of his piercing stare. oh, come on. he's just a guy with a beautiful face, woman the fuck up.

"really? let me see..."

he needn't finish rounding the stall when his nose is hit by the pungent smell brought forth by your mattress. frankly, you weren't that picky. you could've covered it with bedsheets and call it a day, but the odor is too strong to ignore. you mentally hope the smell didn't latch onto your clothes, especially not when someone so cute is around — what a bad first impression.

"oh, god!" he exclaims the moment he lays eyes on it, taking a step back. “now, that has to go. and you lugged it from the fourth floor?" 

ah, yes. according to tradition in these dormitories, which you've only found out today, freshmen get the curse of climbing four flights of stairs up while the seniors strut into their rooms on the ground floor like the hallway is a goddamned runway. 

"doyoung! help me carry these!"

someone calls his name as you both turn your head to spot a chestnut-haired girl clad in the same varsity jacket he's wearing. you grimace at the sight of her. for someone so small, she just had to volunteer to carry all those heavy bags. however, he doesn't move in front of you and brushes her off as if she doesn't look like she's carrying rocks over her shoulders. "i'm already helping someone else! go find taeyong or something. i'm sure that shit's loitering around here somewhere!"

"oh, it's okay, you can go help her. i'll just look for someone else —"

"nah, it's fine!" you try hard to school your face into indifference when you notice his gummy smile. "plus… trust me when i say no other person from the committee will help you with this. this shit smells like my roommate's sweaty basketball socks!"

you can't help the smile forming on your face as you help him carry the mattress off to the side of the hallway, the stinky thing leaning vertically against the wall and behind a huge terracotta plant pot. "don't worry, let's report it to student affairs so they'll get you a new one. congrats! you'll have to share beds with your new roommate tonight, freshie. it'd be a great ice breaker."

the universe truly hates you.

your expression must've been a dead give away because he's suddenly patting your shoulder, regarding you with utmost sympathy. "been there, done that. i hated taeyong, too, when i met him last year. still, for some mind fuck of a miracle, we've grown to be friends and developed a talent of not wanting to kill each other every two seconds."

"highly doubt i'd be friends with a regina george-level bitch, but thanks, anyway," you mutter under your breath. suddenly, you whip your head towards him after internalizing what he just said. "you met your roommate last year? you're a sophomore?"

he scoffs, leaning down to your height to lowly mutter against your ear as he eyes the lobby's front desk. "why? do i look like some 4th year who radiates 'don't touch me' energy?" 

you feel the heat on your cheeks with how close he is, only releasing an exhale when he finally gets out of your personal space. "i'm kim doyoung. you've heard it from wendy earlier, but anyway — i'm a 2nd-year psych major."

"no way!" you exclaim, a little too excited. "i'm taking psych, too!"

"oh, you are? well, if you need anything or if you don't understand stuff…" he winks. "feel free to approach me anytime."

hmm… how sweet of him. 

it was only hours later that you found out who kim doyoung is in your department during the acquaintance party. and for god's sake, you found out from your best friend who is a major in english lit and has never even seen the guy. "seriously, you didn't know he's a genius? i hear the professors call him a prodigy, girl! a fucking prodigy. if i were you, i'd ask for his help in every subject."

"you know i prefer keeping to myself. how'd i know stuff like that when i have no one to talk to in the psych dorms?" you look down, making the ice cubes in your drink clink against each other. "i didn't think he was this big shot or whatever. he looks normal, and everyone treats him normally."

"well, what do you expect?" she hisses, hitting your arm. "the other students don't want to make him feel alienated or something just because he's tons smarter than them. but anyway… the real question is…"

you roll your eyes when she pauses for effect, tentatively leaning closer to whisper under her breath. 

"is he cute?"

you didn't want to answer her question, but he's been stuck in your head since he offered walking with you to the student affairs office. doyoung had smiled his cute gummy smile and had even ruffled your hair before leaving you for committee duties — saying he's cute would be an understatement. 

"you have no idea."

for his first act;

he gains your trust.

fast forward to one year, many things have changed, but the only constant remaining is the handsome sophomore — who is now a 3rd-year, by the way — whom you've met on your first day. coursework has been pretty tough this year. instead of the content written in your textbook, your mind is plagued by the horrible twist of fate your best friend had encountered; she didn't have enemies. or so you thought.

she disappeared in the middle of christmas break last year. her beaten up body was found only a month later, in january, floating around the university's lake. happy fucking new year. 

the first time she chose to spend the holidays with you instead of her family back in her hometown, and that happens? some rotten luck you both have. it's why you didn't put it past her family to hate your guts with strong convictions. it's okay. the feeling's mutual. after all, it had been your best friends' own family, the same ones who had been so willing to take you in when you got kicked out, that were so eager to pin you as the murderer of their child. all under the argument that you have been the last person seen with her. 

oh, the things her mom said about you when she had stormed into the police station, red in the face, tears streaming down her cheeks..."i warned my baby not to hang out with that — that bitch. came straight out of a cursed family, that one. abusive dad, a nutjob mom. that bitch is a danger! probably got her dad's nasty temper and beat my baby to death! i want her on the electric chair!"

in those times, you once again realize this world is fucked up and cruel in every bit of its glory as you fought tooth and nail to defend yourself. but even then, they never believed you — the law will only favor the rich . the prosecution had been so sure it was you until a certain witness appeared and presented himself before the jury.

"do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" 

doyoung raises his right hand, fixing his stare straight at the judge. "i solemnly and sincerely declare that the evidence i shall give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

"how long have you known the defendant?" the prosecutor asks, arms crossed in front of her chest as she paces in front of the witness stand.

the boy briefly meets your gaze, and it's enough to make his heart sink. doyoung can't bear seeing you in those grey overalls when he knows it himself. you're being accused of a crime you didn't commit. "i've known her for one year."

"how'd you meet?"

and the questions went on and on; your defense attorney isn't all too keen on winning the case and had never once yelled "objection!" in her seat, but what could you expect? all the evidence kept stacking against you, and some of those you knew were even fabricated. you've never felt this hopeless in your whole twenty years of living. 

"what's the point in this, anyway?" doyoung snapped in the witness stand, fiercely glaring at the prosecutor. "how is my history — or lack thereof — with the defendant any relevant to the case? you're not even asking me about evidence nor what my statement is!"

"easy there," the prosecutor retaliates, jaw locked. "i have to first measure what exactly your relationship is with the defendant for us to think twice about your statement. who knows..." the prosecutor makes a grand gesture of turning her head in your direction, affixing you with a condescending stare. "she might've just hired you to say these things."

your attorney doesn't come to your aid.

"perjury isn't my thing." 

the prosecutor seems to have taken offense by the tone of doyoung's voice, but he doesn't let her speak further. "the victim isn't all sunshine and rainbows, you know. she'd been a part of a sorority and one with quite a nasty reputation in the college, too. i have to say she made very poor decisions, ones i'm sure her family didn't even know about. you see, they take their oaths and pledges very seriously. the victim wanted out. they didn't like that."

"and you have evidence to support this claim?"

without a moment to waste, he digs around the front pocket of his jeans before proudly presenting a black usb between his slender fingers. "knock yourself out."

the professor calls your name, snapping you out of your reverie. this isn't the first time your mind had transported you back to that particular day in the courtroom, where doyoung had swooped in and saved you from a lifetime in prison. the whole ordeal had been so scary, so frightening that you remember everything vividly as if it had only happened yesterday.

the classroom is empty. even your social psych professor has long packed up his stuff and is already standing by the classroom door. damn. were you that out of it?

"i'm so sorry." you mutter under your breath monotonously as you walk past him and out the door without another word. this is bad, very bad. no one would help, much less lend their notes to someone charged with murder — especially of their very own best friend. whether you were innocent or not doesn't matter to the student body. you've been ostracized, gossips of your problematic family spreading like wildfire, and the ridiculous part is only a fourth of the gossips are true.

the damage is done. 

at this point, you realize with a heavy heart that you have to face doyoung again sooner or later. you haven't talked to him at all since the start of the new school year, ignoring his lighthearted greetings in the hallways, rejecting his calls, ghosting his texts. you are afraid people would judge him harshly for hanging around you. frankly, you were embarrassed to ask any more favors from him with how much he's done for you already and the fact that he had seen you in such a state of vulnerability.

but you also didn't want to fail your subjects and lose the one thing holding your life together — your scholarship.

that is why you found yourself standing before him, in his favorite spot in the library tucked behind shelves upon shelves of books, next to the windows overlooking the empty football field. he's wearing black-rimmed glasses and is clad in the usual navy blue sweater as his head turns to and fro between a textbook and his notebook. the air had been so silent, you hear the aggressive scratches his pencil makes against the paper.

you feel a little hurt when he makes no move to acknowledge your presence, but you think back to what you have been doing and figured he has a right to act this way. 

"hey, doyoung." your voice is meek, hesitant.

"if you're not here to explain nor give me an acceptable reason why you've been ignoring me for the last few months, then please get out of my sight. i'm busy, as you can tell." he is brutally honest, knocking down the remaining hope you have left of ever reconciling with him.

something within you snaps, the steady streams of tears running down your cheeks as you pinned your stare on doyoung's open pencil case lying on the table. you have nobody left. your family — father, specifically speaking — has disowned you for taking a course your heart wanted, and the one friend you have lies motionless in a white coffin buried six feet under the ground. you didn't want to lose doyoung, too, no matter what role he plays in your life.

"i'm sorry," your voice cracks. "life's been… fucking shitty, and i'm sure you of all people know what i've been through. i've thanked you before for — for what you did, and i'm thanking you again right now but — i'm sorry, i'm really —"

your voice cracks when you feel him pulling you into an embrace. you feel the tension in your body breaking loose as you crumble in his arms. all those months grieving and wallowing in self-pity took such a heavy toll that you can't help but tightly clutch the sides of his hoodie, scared he'll slip through your fingers.

one of his hands comes up to push your face against the crook of his neck, muffling your cries in the silent library. doyoung felt like a jerk for snapping at you the way he did. how inconsiderate can he be? however, he felt elated because you sought him out yourself and wanted his help of all people.

his eyebrow raises in amusement. 

well, not that you have a choice, anyway.

it took you a few good minutes to calm down, cringing when you see the wet patch on doyoung's sweater because of your tears. 

"why don't you tell me everything, hmm? i'll help you as much as i can."

you sheepishly look down, fiddling with your fingers as you sit across him, the open textbook and notebook before him long forgotten. "well, i've been so out of it lately? my mind's just a whole bloody mess and i can't focus on any of my subjects at all and if i can't, then i'll lose the scholarship and it's the only thing i have in my life right now —"

"hey," doyoung cuts you off, placing a warm hand against your forearm to calm you down. "you won't lose that scholarship. trust me, okay? why don't we arrange tutoring sessions and i'll even lend you some of my notes from last year. what do you think?"

"okay... thank you, doyoung."

"for the record, you have me in your life, too. i'll always be here for you."

in the first session, you woke up from your deep slumber with only 15 minutes to spare from the scheduled time, but thankfully, your tutor only lives one floor down with the rest of the 3rd-years. bringing nothing with you but a pen and a pad of paper, your textbooks were destroyed as some students from your batch thought it'd be fun to throw them into the lake to "honor" your friend. 

you offer a small smile when taeyong opens the door, sporting an oversized shirt and track pants, eyes wide in shock when he sees you. "hi? can i help you?"

"hello! i'm here for doyoung. he's tutoring —"

"he doesn't live here anymore. his mom bought him a place outside the campus."

what?

"i'm sorry for disturbing you, then. do you by any chance know where he lives?"

that's weird. doyoung never mentioned he's already moved out. you feel a wee bit irritated that he forgot to tell you; it would've saved you the embarrassment of interacting with the varsity player. you weren't stupid, you can see the hints of repulsion in taeyong's eyes the moment he opened that door and saw you standing before him, no doubt thinking about: oh, look, it's the crazy murderer with a fucked up family standing in front of me.

he had shut the door in your face. you stood awkwardly for a good minute in the hallway until the door reopens, taeyong handing you a small piece of paper with doyoung's new address scribbled hurriedly in black ink. he doesn't give you a chance to thank him for he's already closed the door again without another word. 

you opted walking to his place instead of catching a ride because the money you have on you is enough to buy yourself dinner. to say the least, the apartment building is mediocre, not too grand, nor is it too rundown. double-checking the floor level written on the paper before pushing the elevator's button, you then realize doyoung lives on the very top floor of the building.

the hallways are painted a boring brown. some acrylic number signs plastered on the doors are broken, hanging vertically with one screw left. it says on the paper he resides in room 720. taking the right hallway, you mentally count as you eye the mahogany doors. 718… 719… there it is!

when you raise a fist to start knocking on his door, there is a tinge of hesitation surging through you. perhaps being alone with a boy in his apartment is not the best setting for a girl like you should end up in, but this is doyoung we're talking about. if he had ill intentions for you, it would've manifested a long time ago. you shake your head, feeling bad for thinking of him that way as you slowly knock on his front door. not long after, it swings open, revealing the 3rd-year in a white shirt and boxers as he lazily dries his hair off with a small towel. 

"you're late," is the first thing he says to you before spinning on his heel to disappear further into his humble abode. 

"you didn't exactly inform me you've moved out of the dorms. so, whose fault is it?" you retaliate, inviting yourself in and closing the front door shut.

"whatever. let's get started!" he plops himself on the floor, coffee table filled with loose papers as he struggles to find a specific one amongst the mess. "i've already scanned, exported to pdf, and emailed you my notes. it should be in your inbox by now. anyway, answer this quiz i made so i know what i'll be working on."

"you didn't really have to send your notes, doyoung. i could've just read everything from the textbook," you sit down across from him because otherwise, you'll be too distracted to remember information. 

a thought crosses his mind. with what textbook?

"i just think it's missing some essence. that's why i love reading over other psych books in the library for fun. be grateful, those notes are like my babies and i don't simply give them to anyone," he looks at you pointedly. "they've all been summarized and explained in layman's terms so you wouldn't have to spend grueling hours of reading and trying to make sense of the big words as i did — i know that's not the definition of 'fun' normally, but it is for me, and that's why i do it."

"okay, doyoung. you sound so defensive when there's nothing to be defensive about," you tease, feeling pleased with the hint of red on his cheeks as he averts his gaze from yours, muttering incoherent words under his breath.

you spent the following tuesdays, thursdays, and sundays like that; hours upon hours with no one but your tutor, laptops with tangled chargers, a printed copy of his babies, and a mountain pile of loose papers filled with the specialized quizzes doyoung makes to measure your progress. the location varies from a cafe or his flat. but in what you've gathered from the time you spent with him, doyoung's a homebody. cafe tutor sessions are rare, and he always complained about how "noisy" the atmosphere was — "i can't stand it."

but the conversation hadn't always been about academics. 

sure, for the first few sessions, doyoung kept an image of professionalism and had heavily insisted on it — "it's for your learning experience!" — despite your lighthearted teasing. but as time passed and he eventually grew more comfortable in your presence, you find the strict 15-minute break he had initially imposed between 45 minutes of studying turned into hours of talking about whatever; how he likes his eggs in the morning, your favorite coffee brew, his favorite show, your strongest pet peeve. 

and you wholly welcomed the change, not minding that it's practically dark out whenever you go back to your miserable dorm. you feel butterflies in your stomach whenever doyoung offers to walk you home but never had you taken his offer, still cautious of other people seeing you both together despite his constant reassurances. you've already thoroughly ruined your image. you didn't want to ruin his, too. 

kdy the cute tutor, 2:14 pm —last day of midterms! & its all majors today  —good luck —remember what i taught u —lets get ice cream after u cant say no

you shake your head bemusedly. his texting style is the most doyoung thing he does and it's as if you can hear him say these things to you in real life. too caught up in your own world, you fail to detect another student sitting next to you and had nearly fallen off your chair in shock when they spoke.

"why are your notes like that?"

you fight the urge to glare at the person, especially when you turn your head and see lee jeno looking at you in genuine curiosity. he's the only batchmate that treats you a wee bit nicer among the rest. although he isn't technically your friend, at least he doesn't look at you like you're a piece of bubblegum stuck under his shoe like all the others.

"what do you mean?"

"they're… the definitions are all jumbled up. where did you even get that?" 

what? jumbled up? doyoung himself said these notes are a combination of most of the psychology books he had read last year concerning his subjects. how would it be jumbled up? then again, lee jeno was not tutored by the prodigy himself. maybe things are bound to seem "jumbled up" when information is too great to understand for a feeble mind. 

just as you were about to claim these notes aren't yours, the professor has already waltzed into the classroom with a thick wad of papers — the exams. after one last concerned glance directed your way, jeno averts his gaze with a confused tilt of the head. 

hours later, you walk out of the classroom with the biggest smile on your face. aced it, you thought. your hands feel numb with how much you wrote on the essay portion but it's worth it if it meant you get the full 25 points, which you no doubt will as it was a topic you surely tackled with doyoung. speaking of... he sure is a man of his word.

"what are you doing here?" you hiss, head ducked with hair framing your face as to not draw attention from the rest of the students filing out of the testing hall.

"i texted you that we're getting ice cream. remember?"

"i did. but i didn't remember agreeing."

he shoots you a comforting smile, planting his hands firmly on your shoulder. “i told you, y/n. i don't care if they all see us together, so what? we all know you didn't commit that crime and it wasn't your fault you were born into the family you had. i don't care about the trivial things, baby, so don't shy away from me, okay?"

how the fuck can you say 'no' when he's looking at you the way he is as he brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear? doyoung's just so bewitching that he has you wrapped around his slender fingers. he seems pleased when you stumbled over your words as you come up with a reply, caught off guard by his bold gestures.

"i just — you, uhh — fine..." you gave in, rolling your eyes out of pretense.

he just had to call you 'baby' and erupt the butterflies in your stomach.

it had been doing that for the last few months now and it had only truly manifested today when he took you out for ice cream to celebrate the end of hell week. and since you didn't want to go back to your dorm yet, you asked if you guys can watch some movies in his house but it had simply become background noise to your heart-to-heart talks. and what better accompaniment than the classic, chicken and beer?

you listen to him drone on and on about the little realizations he had on some of his past lectures even when you barely understood anything he's saying. doyoung's so lucky to be extremely good at something he's so passionate about, talks about the human mind and the complexity of a person's behavior will never fail to make his eyes light up in interest.

he calls out your name.

your eyes snap open.

"why don't we get you home? it's past 10 and it's alright, stupid, you don't need to pretend to be interested in my psychological findings." he chuckled light-heartedly, stealing the can of the now room-temperature beer from your hands before you can protest. 

"i wasn't dozing off, i swear."

"i caught you in the act. stop lying."

like all the other times he has you as his guest, doyoung once again offers to walk you home and you decline for the thousandth time. it really isn't that much of a long walk anyway. you don't see the need for him to go out of his way to secure your safety. plus, you were the one who insisted on hanging out in his house anyway. you weren't that thick-skinned to let him take you home, too.

"you're drunk!" he scolds.

“no, i’m not. i can perfectly handle myself."

"but —"

"bye!" 

you feel a little guilty for shutting the door in his face. still, a minute longer of his persistence and you would've taken his offer. unfortunately for doyoung, you are one stubborn girl. only if you don't make brisk movements with your head, then you won't see doubles. you'll be fine, it's just a quick walk and it's not as if you're stupid enough to pass by deserted alleys. 

but you had underestimated the divine prowess of your fucked up fate.

everything happened in a matter of three seconds; one, the blinding headlights illuminate your path from behind; two, you hear the loud honk, and as you turn around — three, the vehicle sends you rolling against the asphalt.

you should have taken the alleyways.

for his second act;

he alters your reality.

when you open your eyes, you thought you were dead and your spirit is wandering elsewhere — because you don't believe in trivial things like heaven and god — until an agitated doyoung comes into view. for a split second, you thought, is he dead, too?

"i'm not dead, you idiot." too dazed, you hardly register his anger. "i can perfectly handle myself, she said. i'm not drunk, she said. this wouldn't have happened if you had simply let me walk you home! you're damn fucking lucky you're alive and breathing right now!"

a person clears their throat.

"i don't think it wise to… nag at the patient the moment she wakes. don't you agree, sir?"

pink splotches on doyoung's cheek as he looks down, embarrassed at getting scolded as he stands closer to your bed. "i'm sorry, doc."

you didn't know when your vision cleared or when you started hearing normally again, but it was enough to find out what exactly had transpired on the very night of your tragic accident. a hit and run. fifty-fifty chance of surviving. doyoung getting a call from the hospital in the middle of the night —"they were trying to contact your dad, but he wasn't answering. i was the last person in your call history." 

six months in a coma. but today, you wake… only to find out your world has crashed and burned.

"what do you mean i lost my scholarship?"

"baby, listen to me —"

"why did they take it away? is it because of my accident? i'm behind by one term only and i swear i can catch up. they need to let me back in the program. there must've been some mistake —"

"your gpa didn't reach the cut-off grade."

that can't be possible.

"but you tutored me!" you claim with conviction, pointing an accusatory finger at him until you groan, bowing in pain as you clutch your head.

doyoung springs into action. the chair's legs screech against the tiles as he jumps to your aid, ushering you gently back against the hospital bed despite your refusal. "you're not well. lay back down, please."

you don't hear a single word he says, not when you had lost something so crucial. "i put in the effort and learned everything you taught me... i aced those fucking mid-terms! i know i did!" you were on the brink of tearing up as doyoung settled himself in front of you.

"i… i actually saw your papers," his lips set in a thin, hard-line. "everything was all wrong, sweetheart. what happened to you? i tried reasoning with the professors, mentioned your state — you know, with your best friend dying — but they didn't relent. i'm sorry y/n. i'm so —"

gone. everything is gone. the money. the dorm. what if they ask you to pay the fees from last year? what if they ask you to pay the tuition fee for this year? you have no money, no family, no relatives. no one to help. who's even going to pay for the hospital fees?

you weren't able to process anything after that. not with the sudden news of your now revoked scholarship. doyoung pulls you in a tight hug. "i was a bad tutor," he says, snapping you out of it. "maybe i shouldn't have pushed you that hard to learn them. why were your answers even mixed up y/n? i thought you knew those topics already…"

he pulls away, observing your confused state as your eyes dart everywhere in the room. "what — how are they mixed up? i know i got them right. there has to be some mistake. you taught me those topics, remember?"

"i did... "he averts his gaze. "but i don't remember teaching them to you mixed up, darling. i think you did that all on your own."

"but… why would i mix up my answers? that's —"

"see, what i mean?" he cuts you off, raising a hand to give your cheek the most delicate caress. "you're not well, baby. you need to be treated, especially with how much you hit your head during the accident. don't worry, i'm here. we'll try asking if you can stay in the dorms at least until you find another place —"

"am i a charity case to you?"

oh, the surprise on the junior's face when you push him away as you pin him with a hard stare. you just don't get it. why is kim doyoung so adamant about helping you? in becoming your hero, even when you never asked him to be? if you let him help you this time around, that'll be the 3rd time he came to save your ass. it's not as if you're ungrateful. simply, you've had enough of his help. you don't know how a person like you, who literally has nothing, can return the favor to someone like doyoung.

"what are you saying —"

"i'm saying…" you fix him a hard stare. "you helping me out doesn't even benefit you in the slightest. so why do you do it?"

he pauses, staring at you with hesitance in his eyes as this seems to be the very first time you've truly seen him speechless. when doyoung opens his mouth, he mumbles, and you hardly make sense of what he said. 

"do you really want to know why?" 

you urge him on with an arched eyebrow, his softened tone creeping into your heart. 

"you're someone special to me y/n. i don't know how or when i admitted it to myself, but you are, and it hurts me to see how shitty your luck is," he cracks a small grin, slowly settling back onto the hospital bed as he grabs your hand. "it's okay to seek help from others. it isn't a sign of vulnerability or weakness. i help you because i want to, and i'm more than willing to take care of you. will you let me?"

you're not blind. you've noticed the way he had slowly started coming closer as he continued to speak, hands held securely in his as he looked straight at your eyes then down at your lips. and so, you act in a way you know that will surely answer his question — with a kiss. 

the man before you immediately reciprocates, overpowering your own eagerness as he curls the tips of his fingers into the roots of your hair. he pulls you close, cradling you against his chest. you can taste his desperation in the way his tongue dances against yours, the kiss transporting you into an alternate reality where your world revolves around doyoung and doyoung alone. 

when he pulls away bleary-eyed, both of you ignore the thin strand of saliva connecting your lips. "how about you come live with me for the time being, my love?"

still high off his kiss and natural scent, you hardly mull over the question he asks you. "okay."

days later, after you've been discharged (he wanted to chip in for your hospital bills but you had given him a firm no), doyoung had been the one to show up at the dorm to collect all your things after leaving you in his apartment. the cutie had refused to simply drop you off and had deliberately accompanied you up the elevator, through the halls, and finally into his apartment. 

"i'll be out for just a minute, sugarcube."

"oh, can you get take out?"

doyoung had smiled, playfully booping the tip of your nose. "no, because i'll be cooking for us tonight as a little celebration for you getting discharged. you'll love it; i'm making your favorite!"

it was funny how the night had been nothing but utter bliss. the foreign feeling of being taken care of sprouting in your chest as you watch him cooking from behind the counter. it felt… nice. but funny enough, as if doing a 360, you both had immediately gotten into an argument the next day. 

"i don't see the need for skipping another day if i feel perfectly fine! i'll figure something out once we get there, doyoung, so can we just —"

"you' re not fine, babylove — hell, you got discharged yesterday! i'm not just about to let you back into the arena with those students. they've only grown more immature since your coma, love. i seriously don't want you near them."

"fine! then i won't talk to them. simple." you throw your hands up. "there. problem solved. now, can we please just go to uni? i need to talk to the dean and the head of student affairs, too —"

"i'm going to uni, not you."

maybe it had been the way he firmly stated his claim, the way his eyes pierced through your soul as if daring you to argue further with him that made you snap.

"i'm not a prisoner in this apartment, doyoung! don't treat me like i have the plague! i'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself — jesus christ, i've been doing it nearly half my fucking life!"

too caught up in your anger, you've failed to notice the tears pouring down his face as he sets his gaze on the floor. 

"you're right," his voice cracks. "i shouldn't be pushy like that. i'm sorry. you just mean so much to me and i'm so scared of losing you again. with your coma — i just — it's like i was fighting a losing battle each day that passed when i saw you in that hospital bed. i've never felt so scared in my whole life and i hated myself for not being able to protect you that night."

his tears run like waterfalls, and when you step forward with your arms wide open, doyoung sobs harder as he pulls you against him. you hardly comprehend what he says as he spoke, shaking against your frail body as you felt his tears stain your blouse. "i'm sorry, i never should've dictated what you felt — i'm so sorry."

"no, it's okay. i was feeling a little lightheaded, anyway. i'll stay here and i can come back to school next semester, right? doyoung? just… please stop crying."

he lifts his head, staring at you with bloodshot eyes before giving your forehead a kiss. you let a relieved sigh escape your lips, melting into his warmth as you prop your chin on his shoulder. if you had only been more attentive, you would've seen the reflection of his wicked grin on the tabletops. too easy.

living with him became a blur after that incident. everything fell into a routine for the next four days as you spent the day watching netflix, eating, reading, sleeping. nothing felt fun anymore. but your peaceful life had ceased during the fifth night — the whispers, they woke you up. you can hear them from behind your door at night, and when you rouse awake, you see doyoung walking around the hallway from the tiny gap at the bottom of the door. you had sighed, falling back into your plush bed as you pray to god, he keeps it down. 

but what he told you the next day rendered you speechless. "me, walking around the hallways? whispers?" he says, confused. "i was already asleep, love. knocked out cold the moment my body fell on the bed."

"but…"

he doesn't spare you a glance as he takes his sweet time skimming through his notes on the dining table, coffee in one hand. "maybe it's just the meds kicking in."

"no, surely it was real! i literally woke up in the middle of the night," you repeat. "it's okay if it was you, doyoung. i'm not mad."

he sets his coffee mug down a little too loud. 

"well, you can't be mad at me, sugar, because like i said — it wasn't me," it doesn't take a genius to notice he's awfully cranky today. you observe him, dark half-moons under his eyes as he relentlessly reads his notes with instant coffee in one hand. 

"you're just imagining things, okay? stop acting crazy."

for some reason, the way he had uttered certain words like 'imagining' and 'crazy' made you curl into your seat in embarrassment. he was right that your doctor did prescribe a generous amount of pills per day, but his tone made it feel off, made you feel like there was something wrong with you even when there wasn't… 

right?

you didn't say a word after that and had hesitantly pecked him on the cheek before he left for school. with the amount of time you're with him, two things stood out to you — his keen sense of observation and his knack for reading people. you highly doubt he didn't notice a shift in your behavior but a part of you thinks it's just the stress talking. he is about to take his finals and had recently started on his research paper. 

every psych student is required to present a paper in accordance with the department's annual theme. it could be anything from proposing a theory (if you dare) to constructing a well-developed psychology model. if you don't turn one in, you don't graduate — the paper's that important, and you've been bugging him for so long about sneaking a peek on what his study is about. but he always refused. 

the next week came rolling around, and both of you had been spending every day together due to the semestral break. the arguments have significantly lessened, but your episodes — eventually, you started calling it that way because that's how doyoung labels it — have only gotten worse. you end up moving out of the guest room and into his. privacy be damned. the whispers stopped momentarily but what came next became your imminent downfall.

the first time you heard it, you thought you were dreaming. but the doorknob kept rattling aggressively even as you sat up. just as you climb off the bed, your half-asleep boyfriend asks where you're going. 

"bathroom," you lied.

you were always the one to snort when it comes to the supernatural, claiming it's all bullshit. yet, as whatever outside continues to fight its way inside the room, the rattling progressing into loud bangs against the door, you're not so sure of your beliefs anymore. you're not crazy. nothing is wrong with you, and you're perfectly fine. this apartment is cursed, and you are going to prove that to doyoung.

grabbing your phone from the bedside table, you turn the flash on, pointing the camera at the door as you take a footage of the mad entity that has been playing games with you. a squeal escapes your lips when a particular bang! reverberates louder in the room than all the others. the phone slips your hand, falling onto the floorboards. you don't bother to retrieve it as you scramble to get yourself back under the blanket and into doyoung's comfortable warmth.

you snuggle yourself plush against his chest, shaking as you wrap your arms around his waist, inhaling his natural scent to anchor you back. 

bang! bang! bang!

you didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

"can't the video wait? there's a new episode of start-up, and i want to watch it already!" he whines, shoving his face further on the throw pillow situated on your lap.

you giggle, shaking your head as you scroll through your gallery to find the video. i'm not imagining things. i'm not hallucinating. i'm not crazy. "here! watch... i'm telling you this apartment is haunted, and the ghost probably likes you, which is why it doesn't bother you —"

your lighthearted rambling cuts off when you notice no sound emitting from your phone. weird. you could've sworn you started recording right when the loud banging has already started. your heart drops upon the wary stare doyoung shoots you before he continues to watch the video. 

no, no, no, no — please!

you quickly scoot over to his side, watching as the video unfolds before your very eyes. the shot was messy as the phone was handheld, not to mention you were panicking at the time. but the video is silent. not a single noise of a rattling doorknob or banging on the door can be heard through your phone's speakers. 

"maybe — maybe you didn't turn the volume up?"

you hardly contain the mortification in your face when you realize the volume's at 100 already. and as if on cue, your squeal is heard in the video and the noise of the phone hitting the floor.

doyoung's silence shakes your whole being. as you kneel before him teary-eyed, your voice breaks. "i swear, i'm not crazy."

but at this point, you don't believe yourself anymore.

for his third and final act;

he triumphs.

his deprivation began in minuscule ripples. 

it didn't take much effort on doyoung's end to convince you to stop studying for a year or two, at least, only until your hallucinations aren't as severe anymore. everyday felt like hell on earth as the fine line between what's real and what isn't has blurred over one too many times. in sheer paranoia of accidentally hurting him in his sleep, you moved out of his bedroom and had started sleeping in the guest room again — much to doyoung's frustration. 

but he's a smart man, one that recognizes an opportunity amidst the hurdles thrown on his path.

"why does my door need a lock outside again?"

he approaches you, who’s sitting cross-legged on the bed, after screwing in the last of the screws that came with the new doorknob. doyoung is familiar with the look written on your face, has observed and studied you enough to navigate his way inside your pretty little head with ease.

he can't have you doubting him, can he?

"you know i'm all about protecting you, right?" he starts. you nodded. "i've been doing it for a year now, and i will continue to do so until you need me to. the world is a bad place, sweetheart, remember? your own best friend's mother tried framing you. your dad disowned you. you've been ostracized in the whole college... do you think i'm just like the rest of them, baby?"

doyoung has already mastered the perfect expression of a kicked-puppy, one that easily pulls at your heartstrings and has you cooing at him.

"no!" you say with conviction, reaching forward to thread your fingers through his. "i know you're different, not like any of them at all. i know you're only doing what's… best for me."

he ignores the underlying hesitance in your tone. that will be corrected, sooner or later.

doyoung tightens his hold as he kisses the back of your hand. such an innocent gesture — but such ill intentions.

"the outside lock helps me in protecting you, love. you don't need to worry about anything. just focus on getting better, alright? i'll keep the bad guys away from you."

it was during his first semester of senior year, a few months back, doyoung and a good few students of his batch had been granted the opportunity to intern for a mental hospital located near the edge of the city. he was supposed to decline the offer but you convinced him to take the spot. it had only been a two-week “job” yet it was enough for doyoung to conclude — he’d rather kill you than subject you to the horrors of what the patients have to go through in the loony bin. 

eventually, the small ripples shift into unforgiving waves, dragging you into the depths as everything comes crashing down before your very own eyes.

it should have been like any other day inside the apartment. doyoung's already gone in the morning to attend classes. though not before setting a tray of your brunch on the nightstand, making sure to lock your door on his way out. he knew your nightmares and anxiety kept you up at night, resulting in longer hours of sleep during the day. 

turns out, you moving out of his bedroom had been a blessing in disguise. coming home to an empty apartment has become his biggest fear yet, and you unconsciously found a solution for him. one that doesn’t have him fidgeting on his seat as he counts down the minutes ‘til he’s back by your side.

doyoung smiles unconsciously as he listens to his professor drone on and on in front of him — his mind at peace, knowing you're safe and sound in your little prison.

until he received a text that made his blood run cold.

ty, 11:34 am —im done.

meanwhile, you rouse awake once more to thunderous poundings against your bedroom door. oh no, you thought. it's happening again. this time, there'll be no doyoung barging into your room, half-asleep and hair messy, as he tries to calm you down. you throw the blankets over you as you sob, hugging your legs against your chest as you try to 'wake yourself up' from the hallucination.

the person outside calls for your name, the desperation in their tone alighting a new-found fear in your heart. you don't know what's real anymore. is this truly happening, or is it another hallucination your fucked up mind has conjured up?

"please! it's taeyong! y/n, can you hear me?"

taeyong?

slowly, your head peaks above the blanket, warily staring at the door. doyoung has warned you about these kinds of things, has practically ingrained in your mind that whoever comes looking for you will take you away from him. not to mention, doyoung slipped one time and said he isn’t friends with taeyong anymore.

the banging on the door progresses.

“are you in there? answer me! i can’t find the key!”

you don’t say anything, merely pushing the covers off your body as you keep your eyes fixed on the beating door. it looks like it’s about to pop out its hinges as taeyong relentlessly fights his way inside your room. what are you going to do? do you open the door? oh. right. you can’t do that on your own accord. the key is with doyoung and he isn’t in the apartment at the moment.

all your thoughts come to a halt when the boy outside sends the door flying open, finally breaking the lock with one powerful kick. you flinch back, his actions pushing you on your feet, wanting to place a maximum amount of distance from the intruder. 

taeyong looks frantic, disheveled as he immediately notices your alarmed state. he approaches you cautiously, hands up to show his empty palms. “hey, hey… it’s just me, y/n. i’m not going to hurt you. i’m not the enemy here.”

“doyoung doesn’t know you’re here, does he?”

the look of surprise on his face is an answer in itself. for someone doyoung had proudly claimed to have “broken” you’re still quite quick to catch up on things, taeyong observed. and he doesn’t know what to feel about it — pity? guilt?

“that’s not important!” he claims, boldly surging forward to grasp your shoulders with a firm grip. taeyong felt his heart dropping when you flinch under his grasp. 

“listen to me. we need to get you out of here. doyoung isn’t — he isn’t everything you thought he is!” he can’t help but raise his voice, panic surging through him because there’s not much time left and you aren’t exactly cooperating. you’ve been trying to shrug off his hold the whole time. 

“do you think he actually loves you?”

“he does! stop saying bullshit!”

“doyoung never loved anyone and you want to know why? because he’s too in love with his research to care for anything else!” taeyong felt bad to have been so direct, especially when he sees the tears now falling freely down your cheeks. “listen to me, y/n! i’m not the enemy! if there’s anyone you should be pushing away, it’s doyoung! he turned you into his lab rat! you are nothing but a variable in his study! don’t you get it?”

taeyong grabs a firm but gentle hold of your head, trying to make you look at him straight in the eye for the gravity of what he’s about to say to you.

“doyoung had his eye on you since sophomore year. i told him this was a bad idea and that he should change the topic of the research and he was. fucking hell, he was about to scrap the whole thing until your bestfriend died and did you know what that psycho told me? that it was a sign for him to continue the research! and i’ve been pestering him so much that he moved out because he claimed i was going to get in the way of his discovery.

tell you what, if you can tell me right here, right now, that he has mentioned anything — anything at all — about his study to you then everything i’m saying is a lie.”

you have asked doyoung for the longest time about that research but the answers have always been the same. “not yet, my love. it’s not time for it to be seen with your eyes. soon, okay?”

with a voice not louder than a whisper, you ask. “what… what’s his research about?”

you fail to see the sorry look on taeyong’s face. “in psychology, they say a person only develops psychosis mainly through genetics or drugs. although you’re technically already a worthy “lab rat” considering your mom and upbringing, he wanted to expand the external factors of what causes the disorder — grief, grades, toxic family relations…”

you hear a ringing in your ear and a sudden urge to throw up. only, you didn’t have anything to hurl because your brunch remains untouched on your bedside. 

“but he hadn’t been successful. and that’s… that’s where i came along. doyoung thought the medications he’s been giving you isn’t doing what he wanted it to and he knew he needed a little push. i was… i gave him that push. remember the whispers, the banging on the door at night? it was all me. he made me do it. you know what that means, right? you’re not crazy. you don’t need to stay here cooped up like some kind of pet, believing all his lies as if it’s written in a fucking bible —”

he stops. and if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t’ve heard the familiar beeps of the front door’s automated lock going off. doyoung’s home. 

in lightning speed, taeyong has you sheltered behind him, throwing his warm coat over you in the process, hoping to give the smallest comfort amidst the chaos that’s about to erupt. there’s no point in pretending or hiding — one look at that lock and his crazy friend would know something’s off. 

taeyong feels you flinching behind him with every heavy footstep against the floorboards as doyoung wastes no time in getting to your room. and when he finally appears, hands braced against the door frame, you’ve never been this scared your whole life. his eyes are drawn into slits, fixated on taeyong alone. “how fucking dare you?”

“it’s over, doyoung. give it up or you wouldn’t have to suffer a longer sentence than you’ll already get.” taeyong tried with his whole being to appear intimidating.

“what’re you saying, yong? i meant, how fucking dare you barge in here and disturb my girlfriend in her sleep? that’s not very nice of you…” doyoung sports a disarming gummy smile as he approaches, hand outstretched and beckoning towards you. “c’mere, baby. i don’t think you’ve eaten lunch yet?”

“drop the fucking act, you psycho!”

“what act?” doyoung tilts his head innocently, gaze shifting from taeyong’s and yours, who keeps peeking from over his ex-friend’s shoulder. luring you out is a piece of cake unless taeyong decides to make things a wee bit more complicated, doyoung thought. “i’m just concerned for my darl —”

“we’re leaving.” taeyong cuts him off, breaking eye contact as he places a firm grip around your wrist. he pulls you towards him, farther away from your supposed lover as he tries walking past doyoung. 

but the said man pushes taeyong back with a humorless smile on his face. “and who told you that you can do that?”

a pregnant silence befalls the room as the two men size each other up. they regard each other with such hostility, you can't help but unconsciously fist the back of taeyong's sweater in nervousness, prompting the man to turn his head over his shoulder for a swift second to check up on you.

but a second is all that doyoung needed to deliver the first kick towards taeyong's legs, throwing him off his balance. if it was one thing doyoung knew, is that he needed to eliminate taeyong's agility all together if he wants to win against him. 

but taeyong isn't one to back down. the moment doyoung straddles him on the floor, with a fist raised to throw a punch, taeyong grunts as he rolls them around. doyoung now receiving taeyong's rain of fists as he yells. "fuck you! you manipulative asshole!"

you sat on the corner, horrified of the scene happening before you. you've never seen doyoung this way. he has always been your sweet, caring bunny, but after everything taeyong said, you aren't so sure you even know the man you've been living with. 

"everything i did, i did it for her!" you flinch at the sound of bones breaking as doyoung kicked taeyong's ribs. "she had nothing to lose! i saved her!"

the door is open, you noticed. wide-open and inviting you to make a run for it. and you would have made a run for it...  but taeyong. you can't leave him behind, not when he lays there bloody and grunting in pain as doyoung lets his anger take over him. so, as stupid as may be, you did it. you had to.

"you didn't save me," you say, schooling your face into indifference as doyoung whips around, forgetting about taeyong in the bat of an eye. "you caged me in here, treated me like there's something wrong with me, gaslighted me into believing everything you said! and... what did you say? 'saved me'? you made me go through hell!"

the whole time, taeyong tries his hardest to stand upright, but his broken ribs don't allow him to. the pain too great that he had no choice but to crawl instead, arms pulling his weight as he drags himself across the floorboards, desperately trying to get doyoung's attention back on him even if it meant getting beaten to death.

meanwhile, he had his eyes trained on you the whole time you spoke, sobbing as you walk backward in fear as doyoung approached you with a dark glint in his eye. he doesn't like what you're saying; that much is very clear. he wanted to yell at you, to scream of your ungratefulness despite his constant care but instead, he says.

"i thought we were making progress, baby. i guess i have to drill everything in your brain again. you're not okay, but you will be after i treat you."

you try to fight the urge to look at taeyong as he finds his strength, silently rising up from the floor to ambush doyoung while he's so busy preaching about you. 

"what i said is true, baby. do you actually think this scum over here is doing this to save you? do you actually believe everything he said? i've been here since day-1, my love. literally. and have i ever let you down? no. everything i'm doing is for us. even this damned research!"

taeyong surges forward to put him in a chokehold, but everything happened so fast, and the next thing you knew —

"did you actually think i'd fall for that?"

you didn't know the sound of a knife cutting through flesh could sound that loud, but nothing could beat the strained gasp that tumbled through taeyong's lips as he shakily held the knife pierced through his heart. you would've been concerned about how doyoung got it so accurate in one go or where the knife even came from. but you were too busy screaming, collapsing against the wall as you let out a broken sob. 

"no," you mutter. "no, no, no..."

you can't bear to avert your eyes from taeyong as he lies dying before you. the look of fear in his eyes would forever be ingrained in your mind, and no amount of brainwashing or gaslighting would ever make you forget.

doyoung killed him. you lost.

the knife clatters loudly on the floor as he slowly turns around as if he himself has yet to register what he did. you didn't know what to expect from doyoung's reaction but certainly not the eerie smile that starts spreading on his face. 

"now... how about that lunch, baby?"

✉ : a repost no one asked but i respectfully dont give a fuck <3

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[devinescribe]

Innocence

Niragi Suguru × Reader

So, this is something I was very excited to receive a request about!

(Yall... please, the most adorable thing I've ever been requested to write-)

I absolutely loved the idea, as it's something I go through, and a few of my friends go through, although it might be a little different. (My friends as well as I  (ooh, exposing myself) have a little space(different from a sub space. It's age regression and not at all sexual or wrong. It's totally OK to do this) , and I usually take care of them and they take care of me through it, so I get the panic attacks and drops! What this person requested is probably quite different from that, so It's not the exact same thing. Also, keep in mind, everyone expiriences panic attacks differently, I'm going off of my personal experience with them.

Warnings: past trauma, panic attacks, swearing, mentions of death, blood, let me know if I missed any!

You had been put into this world. A desolate one. It looked like your home of Tokyo, but it wasn't. There weren't  any people, and it was empty. It was like a giant prison... except bigger. In your opinion, it was a prison, and no one was around to judge you, so it was. You had been quite scared waking up, not knowing what was going on. Wandering around the new Tokyo, you felt a feeling of dread. You were alone. How you hated being alone.

At night, however, things changed. One of the advertisement boards in the middle of Tokyo lit up, pointing towards a place and the words 'way to the game arena' sprawled across it. You just followed the light up sign, and ended up at a skating rink.

Your eyes lit up at the sight. There were pretty colors, flashing lights, and popular music was playing in the background. You swayed on your heels, back and forth, unsure of what to do next before seeing a table with phones. On the same table was a sign that read 'One for each player.' What did they mean by player? You didn't know. You picked up a phone, and it turned on. The screen read something about facial recognition. You stared in awe at it, thinking it was cool. You were so immersed with the phone, you didn't notice other people come in. When you did, you were a bit intimidated. You didn't know why you were here. It dawned on you in a moment, and you started to fidget with the edge of your skirt. You saw two people who looked nicer than the rest, and decided to aproach them.

"Hi! Um... I'm sorry to bother you,  but do you know what's going on? I just woke up here..." you explained, looking at them. It was a boy and a girl. The girl had short, dark hair, and was wearing black spandex with a colorful pullover that was unzipped a bit to where you could see the black sports bra under. She was so pretty in your eyes. The boy had dark hair, his bangs falling into his face. He was wearing a t-shirt, and shorts. They looked at each other, and back to you. "It's a game," the girl said. You smiled. "A game? I like games what kind of game?" You asked. "It's not... it's not normal games. They're more difficult... and dangerous," the boy explained. You were confused. "My name is (Y/N). What's your's?" You asked. "I'm Arisu and this is Usagi," he introduced. "I like your names," you said cheerfully. The phone pinged, and you jumped slightly.

'Registration closed. 8 players. Difficulty 4 of spades. Game 'Roll Away'. All players will put on the roller skates. They can't be taken off once put on. There will be different challenges in the rink. It might be dodging something, getting chased by something, or other obstacles. Clear Condition: You can not take off the roller skates through the duration of the game. Doing that will result in immediate death. The way to win is to dodge the object or things and pass the challenges. Game start in 10 minutes' (this is the dumbest game concept I've come up with, I apologize in advance)

"Here, stick with us, and we'll try to make sure you don't get hurt, alright?" Usagi said, placing her hand on your shoulder. "Ok! Thank you Usagi-Chan! Thank you Arisu-Kun!" You chirped, bowing your head in gratitude. They smiled to eachother, one thought clear and present in their heads. They had to protect you. Something they didn't say about a lot of people, but something was different about you.

That's how they took you to the beach. At first, you were scared. You didn't know anyone there, there was people staring at you, and there were some that had weapons. Your eyes had so much to focus on, and it was so overwhelming. Your first thought was to focus on something shiny. You liked shiny things. The problem was, there was to many shiny things to focus on. The windows, guns, swords, accents on the wall, hell, everything might as well been shiny. You stayed still, sitting up as straight as you could, playing with the sleeves of the sweatshirt you had on. "So she's basically useless?" One of the people there said. You frowned at the words. "No, no, she's very capable. I think she'd do well in club games. And she doesn't require a high rank right now. Just for a her to be safe," Arisu said, protecting your from their words. "Alright. Just inform her of everything. Niragi, why don't you take her to get a wristband and to her room?" The man, who you had learned to be Hatter suggested, although he knew it was a command. Usagi gripped onto your shoulder softly. "I'll go with. Just because I feel she is my responsibility as well," Usagi said. In reality, she was worried of what he'd do to you. She didn't trust Niragi, and from the short amount of time she had known you, noticed you to be more trusting and innocent than most. You smiled widely, and looked up at Usagi. "Let's go then."

You walked in the middle of both people. Usagi, looking forward most of the time, holding your hand to guide you around, and Niragi. That's what Hatter had called him anyways. He was rather tall, longish hair with half tied back. He had piercing on his nose and brow. Shiny pieces of metal which you found yourself staring at constantly. There was a gun slung over his shoulder, which scared you. "Here we are," he said, opening the door to what you assumed to be a storage room. He handed you a bracelet. You played with the stretchy cord, stretching out and back in, being entertained by it. Usagi grabbed your hand, and gently slid it on. "Don't take it off, ok?" She said softly. You nodded. "What is she? A damn kid?" Niragi scoffed. "No. Be nice. People have different situations, and you have no right to judge," Usagi repremanded him, her tone strong. He rolled his eyes. "Ok, there's three rules at the Beach. 1, you have to wear a bathing suit, 2 all card go to Hatter, 3 death to the traitors," he said. "Mmm... death? What do you mean by that?" You asked. You knew what death was, you just wanted to make sure he wasn't threatening you. "Death means death. We catch you planning to leave, or keeping your cards, you die. Simple as that," Niragi stated. "Ah... oki! Usagi-Chan, I think I'll be ok with out you for now. Thank you!" You chirped. Usagi shook her head. "I'm not leaving you alone with him," she stated, glaring at him. You felt hands grab your waist, and pull you back. It was Niragi. For whatever reason, you felt safe. He was bigger than you, and most likely stronger, and it made you feel safe. You shrunk into him, liking the feeling. "Yeah, Usagi-Chan... Let her have fun," he mocked, sticking out his tongue. Usagi could hear the hidden meaning behind his words. But, to her surprise, you didn't. Were you that innocent? "I'll be fine. Tell Arisu-Kun thank you again for me though... You guys really helped me through that game," you smiled. Usagi nodded her head, and against her better judgement, left. "Ok, just you and me now sweetheart," Niragi sighed, leading you around. You rushed to catch up with him, and grabbed his hand. He flinched, pulling his hand away. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" He asked, scrunching his face in disgust at the contact. " 'M sorry... Didn't want to get lost. I don't like being alone," you apologized, looking down, and swinging your leg back and forth. 'Damn it... She's cute... NOnononono, backtrack, hold up, not cute. She's fucking annoying. There we go. That sounds better. Not at all cute. Annoying.' He sighed, remembering the way Usagi had spoken to you, "It's fine. Just don't go doing that, ok?"  You nodded excitedly, walking besides him.

"Ok, and this room is the one Hatter told me to take you to. The two people you were with live on the next floor up. No I don't know what room, neither do I care. They'll tell you, most likely. Bye," he said after leading you to your room door. "Niragi... thank you!" You said, smiling. "What?" He questioned, turning around to face you. "Thank you. Really, I would have gotten lost without you. I hope to see you soon!" You repeated, skipping into your room. He stared at the spot you just stood in, in shock. 'She's odd. But interesting. Is her innocence an act? Or is she just like that?' He thought as he walked off. You hadn't made any sort of shy or disgusted expressions when he talked to you. Especially when he used more risqué remarks. You just smiled or laughed as if you didn't understand the meaning behind his words. You were definitely interesting to say the least.

"We're really sorry we couldn't find another one for you... It's just the rules here, ok?" Arisu apologized. They had to find a swimsuit for you to wear, and they had found a white one. It wasn't horrible, just showed a lot. "You're allowed to wear a cover up though. Or like a sweater," Usage suggested. You nodded, rushing to the bathroom where you had changed. You grabbed the fluffy zip up hoodie you had on before you changed. You slipped it on over your body, and smiled. "Much better," you chirped. They laughed slightly. Arisu couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy when you were around. Not in a romantic way, but more in a protective way. He didn't want anyone to harm you. Usagi felt the same. "Can I go walk around?" You asked, playing with your hair. They nodded. " You don't have to ask for permission. You can do what you want," Usagi said. You nodded, saying goodbye, and leaving the room.

You hummed as you walked around, looking at all the people walking around. You nodded your head to whatever rythym was going on in your head. There were so many things to focus on, it felt like your head was going to explode. You shut your eyes for a bit and kept walking. Bad idea.

"Oi, you damn brat! Watch where you're going!" Someone shouted at you. You had bumped into them, falling to the ground. " 'M sorry! Didn't mean to!" You squeaked out. You heard them laugh, and you opened your eyes. "Whatever. And stop talking like that. What are you? A ba-" they were cut off by a snicker. "Really? You have the right to say that?" You recognized the voice from earlier. It was Niragi. You looked up to see Niragi pointing his gun at the people bothering you. "What? She talks like a fucking baby. And acts like one. Is she your little play thing?" The person taunted. Niragi scowled. "I'm only letting you go right now because Aguni doesn't let us kill in front of others. Be glad I'm letting you off right now," Niragi threatened. They all rushed away, seeing as their bravery was only for show. Niragi looked down to you on the floor. "You good?" He asked. You nodded, getting yourself off the floor. "Thank you once again, Niragi," you said, your attention on the floor. He couldn't help but notice your nature. You were innocent, childish, and playful. So different from all the other girls here. It was annoying, but also... cute. He was so lost in thought, he almost didn't feel you standing next to him and grabbing his arm. "What are you doing? We talked about this," he stated, trying to pull his arm away, watching as you nuzzled into him. "You're warm... and I like this feeling... I don't know what it is, but it's nice," you muttered. He pulled you around, back to his room, ignoring the stares he was getting.

He opened the door, and walked in, shutting it behind you two. "Where are we?" You asked, looking up at him. "Guess," were his only words. You basically beamed up at him. "Ooh, like a game! Umm... I don't know... tell me?" You chirped, placing a finger on your lip. He sighed, basically throwing himself on his bed. "You're annoying, you know that right?" He said. You frowned, twiddling your fingers. "Don't get offended by that. I have questions I want answered, come here," he stated, the commanding tone in his voice obvious. You stood straighter, and walked over by him. He looked up st you, confused. "Sit,'' was the only word that left his lips. You did so, sitting up straight. "So... is this an act? Your whole innocence thing?" He questioned, motioning to you. You tilted your head in confusion. "No? It's just... me," you responded. He hummed to acknowledge he heard you. Your hands kept looking for something to do, and you impulsively put one of your hands on his head. He moved away, grabbing your wrists, putting them to your body. "Hands to yourself princess," he said, a bored tone present. You shook your head, your hair swaying and bouncing with you. He laughed at the sight as you pouted. "Don't wanna. I like the feeling I get when I touch you or when you touch me," you said, your fingers being able to lightly touch his hand. "What feeling?" He asked. "I don't know what it's called... I just like it," you responded. "Well explain it," he said. "Mm... I feel really warm and protected. And... safe..." you responded, feeling his hands leave your wrists. After feeling his hands leave your wrist, you looked up at him. You crawled next to him squirming from happiness. "Oi, stop it," he scolded, grabbing your shoulders to keep you still. You pouted, looking up at him. "Then can I pet you?" You asked. "What am I? A damn dog?" He spat. "I like dogs. Dogs are cute. You're cute. But you're not a dog. Good boys deserve pets. You're a good boy, so... you deserve pets," you rambled, patting the top of his head softly. He look at you as you did so. He dropped back onto his bed. "I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep before tonight's patrol. Don't kill me," he yawned, closing his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

When he woke up, he heard humming. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw you curled up on the end of his bed, humming. "Hello?" He questioned. You turned so fast, he swears you gave yourself whiplash. "Niragi you're up!" You chirped. He sighed. 'Who gave her the right to be so damn cute... this isn't fair on me right now.' He nodded, and got up. He looked into the mirror on the dresser, noticing his hair was tied back. He went to take it out, but soon saw it was braided. "Did you... braid my hair?" He questioned. Now, he wasn't mad, and he didn't hate it. He just wanted to know why. "Yeah. Sorry," you said, looking down. "I- forget it. Why?" He asked. Your eyes lost their spark for a second. "um... uh... I... I just wanted to," you said shakily. "Tell me why. I can see through that lie," he stated, taking his hair out of the braid. "Umm... I... I don't think you'd care, it's nothing," you deflected. "Look, if I'm asking, it means I want to know. So say it," he said, turning to face you. "Ok... I was just alone in my thoughts, and I decided to braid your hair. It made me feel less... anxious. My sister used to always ask for me to braid her hair. So she could look just like our mom... and she did look just like out mom," you explained, tears filling your eyes.

You didn't like talking about your sister because of what had happened to her. Your mother had died when you were 9, your sister was just a baby. She looked exactly like your mom. And due to circumstances, you were never able to be a kid. You had to be an adult at a young age. You never got to be childish. So, you did it more when you grew up. Your sister... Your sister didn't really care all that much. She acted like a kid, and got to be a kid. You made sure of it. Some things just couldn't be helped though. She had died after a car accident. You all went to get some groceries. It had been a great night, and you three had gotten ice cream. On the way back, a drunk driver had hit the car. Your father lived and yourself lived, but he blamed himself for it. He tried, he really really tried to be a good father to you, but it wasn't enough. Somehow, you could never seem to win.

"I'm sorry, I don't really like talking about her, can I talk about something else?" you said, quickly wiping the tears away. He could tell you didn't want to talk about. It made him want know more, but for whatever reason, he left it. "My patrol starts I'm a few minutes. So you'll have to find someone else to bother," he said, fixing his hair again. "But I don't wanna go around anyone else. Wanna be around you," you pouted, walking to his side. He stared down in shock. No one has ever wanted to around him out of their own free will. "Look, just... go to your room, and if I remember to go, I'll go and visit for a bit."

That's how it started. You would constantly be around him, rambling about your newest topic. He didn't respond a lot, just listened, throwing the occasional sigh of you being annoying. It didn't bother you anymore, because something told you if he actually found you annoying, you wouldn't be alive right now.

"Hey hey hey (N/N)!" Kuina greeted with a smile. "Kuina! You're back!" You giggled, running over. She hugged you, spinning you around. "How's my favorite human?" She asked, setting you down. "I'm ok... How was your game?" You asked, walking around with her. She led you down to where all the cars came in. "Hatter put me in charge of checking to make sure no one keeps their cards today. Help me out?" She asked as soon as you got there. You nodded, and stood by her.

All was fine, till one of the last groups came in, speeding. You watched nervously, hoping nothing bad happened. You felt the world around you move in slowmotion, and the air in your lungs get shorter everytime you breathed. You heard the tires screech, and Kuina's voice was somewhere in the background. You felt like you couldn't breath, you felt the cold stone wall behind you and you slid down it. Tears rolled down your face, and you scratched at your arms unknowingly. You felt people trying to touch you, and you kicked or hit them away.

"Someone get help! Arisu, Usagi!" Kuina yelled at them. They had come outside, hearing a commotion. They tried to touch you, or get closer, but you wouldn't let them. Blood came out of the scratches you had made on yourself. "Who else can help her?! Think quick, please!" Arisu panicked. You were crying and scratching at yourself. They could hear you muttering 'no' and 'can't lose them again' over and over under your breath. Anytime someone tried to get close to you, you would kick or hit them. "Get Niragi," Usagi said. "What no I'm not going to-" Kuina started to argue. "Do you have any other ideas?! Go get Niragi before she hurts herself more! Now!" Usagi shouted. The panicky feeling was in everyone. Kuina quickly looked over at you, and nodded. This wasn't about who she did and didn't like. It was about making sure you were ok. Kuina ran off, going to look for Niragi. "Usagi, you go look for him as well. You're faster than me, I'll kept on eye on her," Arisu said. Usagi nodded, running off.

You were still crying, your nails tearing into your skin, crescent marks left behind, and trails of crimson dripping down. People were still trying to help, but we're crowded all around you. You couldn't breath, air couldn't get into your lungs. The people all around you looked like they were closing in around you. A flashback of the moment the other car hit you flooded your brain. Your sister's cut off scream. Her blood soaked shirt, the pieces of glass embedded into her skin. The pain you felt when you called out for her, but she didn't answer.

"Chishiya! Chishiya! Have you seen Niragi?" Kuina yelled after the short boy. He turned around. "Why would I care ab-" Chishiya started. "Chishiya, not now. It's (Y/N). Please, just- do you know or not?" Kuina interrupted, taking in shaky breaths. He shook his head. "Last Boss might know he's over there. If not Aguni," Chishiya said. Kuina nodded, running over to the aforementioned man.

Eventually, she found him on the roof. 'He's always on the damn roof' Kuina thought. "Niragi! Don't ask questions, just come with me!" Kuina yelled at him. He turned with a face that read 'no'. "Why should I-" he started. "It's (Y/N), please just- she- come with me," Kuina stumbled over her words. It had been at least 6 minutes. He tried not to show any emotion, but looked around and nodded. He walked quickly besides her as they made their way back.

"Found him!" Kuina shouted. Arisu turned to them and nodded. "Just go over to her," Arisu said. Niragi walked over, and everyone around you, immediately parted. "Go away," he threatened. Everyone left, and he was able to see what was happening. Your previously white swimsuit was now stained with red. Your arms were marked up with scratches and crescent shaped wounds. "Hey, (Y/N), it's me... calm down... breath," he whispered, so only you could hear. He kneeled in front of you, and got gradually closer. You didn't push him away, nor did you pit up a fight against him. The feeling of being safe and protected that you only got around Niragi appeared. The warm feeling spread over you, making you calm down a bit. You were able to breath a bit now, and you whimpered about something he didn't quite hear. Arisu and Kuina sighed in relief, seeing as he was able to get close to you. He grabbed your hands, taking them away from your arms. You took a shaky breath. "N-niragi?" You questioned. "Mhm... just calm down for now," he said. Arisu and Kuina looked at eachother and nodded, deciding to leave. Niragi had it under control.

You grabbed onto Niragi, and held onto him tightly. He heard you sniffle and say an apology into his neck. "Don't apologize for that. Are you ok-ish now?" He asked. He felt you nod. "Ok, well, we need to clean you up. And you can tell me what happened later, ok?"

He had carried you up to his room, cleaning up the blood on your body. "Sorry... I'm sorry," you apologized again, as he bandaged up your arms. "Stop apologizing, it's pissing me off," he stated. You frowned with a shaky sigh. "I... I didn't mean that. I'm sorry," he apologized, sitting besides you. You snuggled up into him. He was going to scold you, but decided against it, seeing as he rather liked the feeling. He always had. "Niragi... you forgot to do something," you muttered. "And what's that princess?" He asked. "Kiss it better?" You asked, looking at him with the puppy dog eyes. He felt his face get hot, and cursed himself. He rolled his eyes giving in, "Fine." You gave him your arm, and he kissed over the bandages. You giggled slightly. "Tickles," you laughed. He couldn't help but laugh. You smiled, "Niragi... Can I help you feel better?" You asked. "What? I'm not hurt though," he said, confused by your words. "Ok, fine... maybe it's not to make you feel better... just wanna give you a kiss. I really really really like you," you admitted, blushing slightly. He froze up for a second, before smirking. "Go ahead then. I really really really really like you too."

So... how was that? Um...bi may have gone overboard, but I am all for soft Niragi hours even if he's OOC, it's called 'I'm sad, he's my comfort character.' Umm... yeah... cool!

[nana-shiros]

This was inspired by a conversation I had with @skorupls and I've added some context under the keep reading to try something different with my posts! enjoy ♡

With the Devildom's rain pouring and the fireplace burning as the sole core source for warm, Simeon must be cold.

Wordlessly, Lucifer offers Simeon his jacket.

"Are you not cold?"

The question is unnecessary. Simeon can hear the other's knowing smile through his words.

"You didn't have to."

"Do you want me to take it back?"

"I didn't say that," Simeon just smiles and laughs."It's been too long since we've spoke one to one. I missed our conversations."

"Do you?"

"Of course. Don't you remember when we tumbled together into the Sunset Gardens?"

"Hold on. Before you spew more lies, I recall it was you convincing me to come look at something, but all you wanted was a partner to share the blame with in case you got caught." Lucifer states.

"I did show you something. The floating peaches remember? You seemed to really like those." Simeon recalls."I'm still surprised we managed to get away with it with taking a few for ourselves."

"Well, if I remember correctly, they added fencing to the borders so no other low level angels could accidentally end up there."

"But it was fun wasn't it?"

Lucifer chuckles."Yes...I suppose I recall those times as fun. Those days when we could so carefreely act."

"That's what I'm talking about." Simeon smiles. His expression becomes somber he continues to speak,"as much as I might reminisce of those days, I understand that we've both made our choices that brought us to where we are now."

"Simeon." Lucifer states,"Just so we're clear. Crystal clear. I have no regret about my decision."

"I am aware. And I understand that because of that, much has changed," Simeon replies,"but I still view you the same like I did back in the Celestial Realm. With love and admiration. And I've missed you greatly. I wondered how many years until I could see you again. And here you are before me. As much as I reminisce, all I can think about is where we went wrong and what I could've done and how selfish I might be for being as I am." He cuts himself off midway into his ramble. With a sharp breath out and in, he speaks again in a more relaxed tone."Perhaps I've overstepped your welcome. Thank you for your hospitality, but I think I'll head back to Purgatory Hall."

"Wait. Stay." Lucifer interrupts."Don't leave your thoughts half finished. I'm not satisfied with you leaving it as is. If that's the direction you intend to take with our conversation, then follow through with it."

"I ran my mouth quite a lot already." Simeon assures,"I wouldn't wish to stir up any more bad memories and and leave you in a sour mood. We don't need to talk about anything you don't want to."

"Correct. But you have made it clear to me that even after all these years, there is much to address," Lucifer says, his voice low."I'll be back. Make yourself comfortable."

Simeon considers that he could do as he promised. Return to Purgatory Hall and potentially never bring it up again. But the near desperation in Lucifer's eyes and the fact that he too wanted to talk brings him to settle into the comfortable sofa and watches the flickering fire as he waits for the other's return. He's never seen it gone out in the times he's visited the House of Lamentation.

Much like Lucifer's tenacity.

"For you." Lucifer says when he presents the cup before the other.

"Thanks." Simeon gratefully takes the cup from the other. When he smells the warmth, he smiles fondly. It's his favourite type, and made the way he enjoys it best. Fondly looking to Lucifer, he receives a knowing smile right back.

Lucifer sets the teapot onto the table, and gracefully settles onto the sofa with his own cup.

With much to talk about, regardless of the time that's passed, regardless of the choices made, regardless of the circumstances, there are some things that don't change.

They divulge into their feelings and their thoughts nearly too many centuries late, trying face it one at a time. And of course, not everything is resolved in a night. But they're a step closer to figuring where they are and what they are. Even in the face of an unpredictable future, if for each other, they'll be constants no matter where they end up.

[thejustmaiden]

Fiction and Real Life Go Hand In Hand

This blog goes out to all those pro-Sessrin fans out there who refuse to acknowledge the very real effects fiction can have on our world and vice versa. I highly encourage other Inuyasha fans who defend/enable these shippers to read this, as well. I assure you, by no means are my intentions here to stir up trouble. Honestly, I just want some good healthy discourse for once if that’s not too much to ask. If you do decide to engage, please be mindful of that and treat others with respect and I will do the same in return. All in all, the goal of this blog is to exercise my right to speak out and be critical about content I believe to have very potentially detrimental repercussions. I ask that you not attack me or insult me simply for stating an opinion. Thank you! 

It’s like the title says, meaning fiction does matter. Where do you think we get ideas for all the stories we tell? Where do we draw inspiration from in the first place?

Real life, that's where! And yes, always with a touch of imagination! Long story short: fiction matters because real life does.

Allow me to elaborate.

Shippers of the Sesshomaru x Rin (Sessrin) pairing say it's not fair of us to throw around serious accusations or use certain deragatory terms that suggest such awful acts like child grooming or pedophilia because of the harmful implications. One of their reasonings being that some people IRL have actually lived through these traumas, so we shouldn't dare to assume they're comparable since one is just fiction and the other is not. But this isn’t about which is worse than the other, because they’re both super problematic. All we’re literally doing is making a link between grooming in real life and grooming in fiction. They mirror each other. Same issue; different mediums. We’re not undermining any one’s past experiences with grooming or the like, nor are we prioritizing fiction to diminish real life abuse. They’re both awful in numerous ways and that’s all we’re trying to say. In fact, if anything we’re attempting to demonstrate just how crucial this correlation is between them. In order to protect past victims and prevent future ones, we must remain vigiliant of the content we consume, and yes, sometimes that means we have to challenge it too. Just because it’s widely-viewed does not make it widely-accepted or well-received. It is paramount that we educate ourselves on how to be more critical of some of the harmful tropes and images that are still way too prevalent in mainstream media. Sexualizing young and pre-pubescent girls is way more normalized than some of us even realize. It’s sad but true that Sessrin is just one of many examples. I know it feels like society has failed us in a lot of ways, but it’s never too late to re-evaluate and re-learn better and more improved ways of viewing and processing information presented to us.

Our mission: Let’s not show our kids that grooming or any other form of abuse are acceptable if they may ever come to experience or encounter it themselves. Be it the real world or on screen. Deal? 

There have been a number of occasions where real life victims do speak up against the Sessrin ship and express how extremely uncomfortable it makes them feel by what it represents. The problem is that it’s becoming more evident now that many of their fans will dismiss anything purely on the basis that we pose a threat to their ship and nothing more. What it comes down to is they have no real leg to stand on and cannot possibly top any of what we have to say so instead they simply disregard it. Our inconvenient truths don't fit into their ideal *cough* OOC *cough* narrative so they just choose to be willfully ignorant. It conflicts with their fantasy, so rather than present a sound argument of their own, they flat-out reject it and offer no plausible back-up behind their reasoning besides "I don't interpret it that way." GUYS, CHILD GROOMING IS NOT UP FOR INTERPRETATION.

Just because you so desperately want your ship to come true does not mean you can up and decide to redefine a word so that it caters to your stance. Remind yourself that these are complex AND objective terms that we have no right to fiddle with to serve our own selfish purposes. This is why we can conclude that there's no debate about Sesshomaru's actions towards Rin embodying child grooming.

I apologize if any of my words are triggering by the way, so please feel free to take a break and return later if that’s more suitable for you. it's just really important that everyone in this fandom comprehends the extent in which Sessrin going canon is catastrophic. And no, I'm not exaggerating; I'm simply speaking the truth. Shippers justifying these horrible acts- yes, even in fiction- is usually due to the stubborn refusal to hear us out. No offense to anyone (just stating facts), but more times than not antis like myself feel as if we’re talking to a brick wall when we interact with Sessrin peeps. They go in circles and never expand on their perspectives. 

Just a head’s up: THIS GETS LONG. Stick with me. :p

Just look at their take on the Inukag vs. Sessrin relationships for example. This isn't a question of age gaps, this is a question of physical/emotional compatibility. Inukag are the same age mentally wise regardless of one being demon and the other not, whereas Sessrin is not and never will be, and yes, even once she's an adult. The thing is we have debunked this time and time again, because they’re not the same and therefore not comparable, but for some reason these fans won’t drop it. Nothing has changed in their argument, yet they’re persistent in bringing it up. I choose to not go into more detail, since like I said, you can find it around everywhere. I just wanted to touch upon it briefly to prove a point. Maybe it will come up again later in my blog though! 

Where was I earlier? Right, child grooming! Haven't you guys realized that what you’re doing is precisely what child groomers do to make excuses or deny any grooming took place at all? (FYI: I’m not accusing you of being child groomers yourselves.) “They reciprocated so the feelings are mutual" is a typical groomer response, but of course it varies. More often than not, victims of grooming aren't even aware they've been groomed until much later. That's how manipulative groomers are that they can legitmately convince you that maybe you're wrong in questioning their motives. Perhaps in the victim’s mind that because one huge indicator of grooming never actually took place it technically cannot constitute as grooming. They start to doubt themselves even though their intuition is telling them something’s off. They should just ignore it then since it can’t possibly be grooming if that one particular thing never happened, right? Wrong, grooming isn’t strictly this or strictly that. It's much more complicated and multi-faceted. This is why the “but Sesshomaru left Rin in the village” point upsets me greatly. HE WAS STILL INVOLVED IN HER LIFE, Y’ALL.  

On top of that, are you aware that this is the exact same kind of predatory mindset pedophiles use to describe their infatuation with children? They'll say things like, "I don't see them as an adult and a child. I see them as two people with a soul connection." Okay no joke, I wish I was lying, but that is literally a point one pro-sessrin fan on here recently used to defend this ship. It both astounds me and terrifies me that they don't see the glaring similarities they share in common with actual pedos.

Alright, I want to quickly return to what I was saying earlier about fiction's impact on real life. (Sorry, I’m a bit of a scatterbrain!)

The characters and their worlds in our stories that we dream up and bring to life are nothing short of awe-inspiring and magnificent if we so choose them to be. If it wasn't for our imaginations, stories like Inuyasha would have never come to exist. Fiction provides us an amazing outlet where we are given the opportunity to express ourselves and explore its infinite creative possibilities.

But strip away all the demons and magical components of this show we all love so dearly and what are we left with?

At the very core, Inuyasha is a story that's very reminiscent of the human experience: love, camaraderie, a sense of purpose, and much more!

So perhaps we got a full-fledged dog demon like Sesshomaru, but does that necessarily mean we can't relate to him or understand him simply because dog demons don't exist in the real world? Well, I hope that's not how you view it or else you're missing the whole point of why humans create stories to begin with. We create them to make better sense of and thus connect with the world we live in. And when you really think about it, our stories are just a celebration of life- both our struggles and our triumphs. Now I'm no philosophy professor, but I'm pretty sure they'd say I hit that nail right smack on the head. ;)

All shitty jokes aside, the whole reason I’m mentioning this specific example in the first place is because this recently came up with another Sessrin supporter. That supporter tried to defend the ship by stating that we aren't allowed to use Sesshomaru as an example to judge by since his kind don't exist in the real world.

Now if it isn't evident already, this "it's just fiction" argument is a popular go-to stance many Sessrin fans will resort to once they've run out of ideas and are metaphorically backed into a corner. The funny/sad thing is that they seem to sincerely believe this is strong enough evidence to defend their ship with, but per usual, they fail to see how hypocritical that would be. I’ll clarify soon down below. 

Seriously, since when did we decide that fantasy- or any story genre for that matter- stopped reflecting the real world we live in? I mean, we humans are the ones writing these stories. Our human influence is bound to make an impact in some capacity. In fact, we want it to!

Obviously none of us have ever met a dog demon like Sesshomaru, because how could we? Let me tell ya, this is gaslighting at its finest! This is a fictional story with fantasy elements, so of course there will be beings and creatures in their world that don't exist in our own. Does that somehow translate to the fact that nothing from the story of Inuyasha can be applied to our own personal stories or that there aren't meaningful messages to be taught and learned?

So on the flipside, if they're not screaming at us "it's just fiction" for the hundred billionth time, then they are, believe it or not, doing the reverse and comparing it to real world history. One instance of this is how they tell us we're making a big deal about something that isn't real, but go right ahead and use the history of feudal Japan to support Sesshomaru's decision to court (aka GROOM) a young girl because that's how it was done back then. And so, your point being?? It wasn't right then just because it was legal, and it's most certainly not right now. This is how all of their arguments go by the way, where you'll constantly witness a cherry-picking approach. It's agonizing to endure contradiction after contradiction in their arguments filled with nothing but holes in their logic.

I'd just like to add that if we're overreacting to this fictional ship like they love to say we are then technically so are they. They tell us things like "grow up" or "nobody is telling you to keep watching," yet fail to realize they're reacting just as fervently as we are but just on the opposing side of the same damn argument. I find it interesting how they're as invested in this show but pretend they aren't then STILL have the audacity to say it's only us who care this much!? So thank you Sessrin shippers for further proving our point that fiction is more than capable of affecting reality and the people- YES, US- who reside in it.

It's insane that people act like pedophiles and other creeps don't enjoy entertainment too like the rest of us. Believe it or not, they look just like you and me most of the time. Yes, that means they can easily pass as a “regular guy” if they so wished to. My question to you is how do you think pedophiles will take it when they discover others- underage fans more specifically- who dig the same kinda media they get off to? Maybe not in the exact same way, mind you, but there's a thin line between them when you really think about it. I mean, what other explanation is there for why literal pedos on the internet have been known to sneak into pro-sessrin group chats here on Tumblr before? (Thankfully, they were later kicked.) I know that for a fact! It's almost as if the universe is trying to tell them something they refuse to listen to elsewhere. Hhmmm I wonder what that may be. 

I imagine it’s possibly one of the hardest things to admit out loud and to themselves, but I can almost guarantee you that most of these Sessrin shippers who are victims of CSA and who still see no issue with Sessrin must be living with some sort of unresolved trauma caused by the very abuse they claimed to have undergone. It's been proven that victims who do not seek or properly receive the help and treatment they need in order to address and live with a traumatic experience such as this are more likely to perpetuate that very same abuse themselves in some way, shape or form. What if in this case fiction is enough for them, but who's to say it won’t eventually manifest itself in other more dire and far-reaching ways? It's not like we haven't seen this vicious cycle before, and I can promise you that Sessrin won't be the last. LET'S STOP NORMALIZING & GLORIFYING THE ROMANTIZATION & SEXUALIZATION OF CHILDREN. Fictional example: Usagi Drop. Need I say more? Real world example: Woody Allen. Again, need I say more?

Bottom line is that Sessrin shippers don't want us to think too critically about this ship of theirs, because if we dig too deep then they're forced to face the very troubling implications this pairing really stands for. Of course they'll never admit to them, because instead they rather double down and grasp at the same old straws as long as it means their precious ship is protected at all costs. Screw everyone else if that's what it takes, because they'll threaten to burn down legit buildings in real life if that ensures Sessrin goes canon! (True story, this happened on Twitter.) They’ll taunt and bully anyone who disagrees. Even if all you literally say is that you don’t like the ship, they’ll gang up on you. Tell them about your past experience with being groomed? They’ll laugh in your face. I wish I was kidding, but I assure you I am not.  And they say we're ridiculous and taking this way too seriously? Yeah...

The typical behavior of a Sessrin shipper demonstrates an overly aggressive front since they're usually on defense mode anyway. They only want to ship their sick ship in peace in other words. But just because neo-nazis have a right to spew their bigoted ideology, doesn't mean we don't got the right to punch them! Freedom of speech doesn't equate to freedom from consequences. And Sessrin shippers wonder why they got so many haters. Just sayin'.

Their presence on other platforms like Twitter and Reddit are some examples of how delusional and unstable some Sessrin fans are capable of becoming. Even recently, an anon here on Tumblr sent Richard Ian Cox (English VA for Inuyasha) a totally uncalled for ask telling him that "sessrin is love and there's nothing he can do about it." (That's not verbatim, but if you're interested I'll link you to it.) It appears they discovered that he didn't like Sessrin based on how he had been replying to asks, and just for that reason alone they thought they had the right to harass him. For simply stating his opinion, y'all. They didn't even have the decency to show their face either. Talk about immature and cowardly! 

Just yesterday (or was it the day before?) a fanatic Sessrin user on Tumblr- who’s also been known for hateful remarks on Twitter but those tweets have of course been deleted since then- went out of their way to not only lurk in a group chat they don’t belong to on here but to then proceed to harass a few of us in there. They had the guts to take screenshots from that group chat, tag us in posts on their page regarding what they read in there, and without our knowledge or permission went ahead and actually blogged them?? I mean, who calls out people behind their backs while they're just minding their own business?? It worries me how unhinged and out of touch with reality some Sessriners are. Not all of them, but a whole lot of them. 

It seems all they are doing is looking for trouble, as they just can't stand how much we hate this ship. So it's more than okay if they love on their ship but it's not okay if we don't and we should just keep our mouths shut. But since when do Sessrin fans have authority over our opinions? Even if they were officially canon, nothing is ever gonna change our opinion. Now when they actually do decide to participate in discourse with antis, you'll see them fishing for excuses to bow out. How they normally go about this is by fabricating a way to blame us antis for their exiting a conversation as if we're being the irrational ones here.

There’s no denying that some antis can also be overly blunt or aggressive (nobody is saying we’re perfect here), but speaking for myself, I know I would never make such nasty comments about other fans and their personal lives. And honestly? It would make me feel like shit talking bad about someone I don't actually know. Nah, I won't stoop to that level or give haters that satisfaction. I may not attack them as people, but that doesn't mean I can't attack some of their messed up ideas that threaten to distort how we should or shouldn’t perceive certain dangerous situations and events. Seeing as how for me this is more than just a matter of opinion- it's a moral responsibility and even an obligation.

I know it's difficult to remain civil when things get heated and people start taking things personally- yet more proof that fiction impacts our lives- but that's the only way any of us will ever have constructive discussions about serious topics like this. Unfortunately, Sessrin shippers, from what I can tell, are incapable of engaging in real discourse for the most part. They may be vocal but that doesn't mean they can pack a punch. I’d really love to be proven wrong someday.

Okay, moving on! If they're not involved in some big-time gaslighting then they're using their infamous strawman argument approach.

Sessrin fans’ sole purpose isn't really to defend their ship, per se, but rather to deflect and antagonize. They like to mislead in order to shift the focus/blame onto their opponent or something else that's not related so that they can stray from the main point. 

Take the drama CD for example. It's officially NOT considered canon, right? But that hasn't stopped many fans from referencing it anyway so let’s too consider it for a moment. The point is that they use its "existence" whenever convenient then deny it or downplay it whenever it’s not. So on one hand, it's plain as day that they celebrate it as proof of a romantic future for Sessrin. But then later once we point out to them that Sesshomaru is essentially confessing to Rin that he will wait for her until she's of age, they'll brush it off and quickly add that they didn't interpret the scene that way and leave it at that. I mean how else would you interpret it? And if it's not a proposal of sorts then why exactly are you bouncing off the walls about it to begin with?? If that's all it means is nothing then why are we even talking about this?! You see what I mean here??! And somehow we're the crazy ones? 

Let me to be frank with you. If you haven’t listened to it already, this proposal he offered her sounded like a declaration of love in a multitude of ways, which is wildly inappropriate since Rin was only 12 at the time. Signifying that Sesshomaru was/is indeed grooming her. Well, that is if you choose to recognize the drama CD. Nevertheless, whether you do or not, I personally hate that this non-canon satire is even associated with the Inuyasha name to begin with. Ugh. 

Intentional or not, Sesshomaru made a deliberate decision in that moment to tell a little girl- and not just any little girl mind you but a girl he's taken in under his care for a good year- that he would wait for her if she so chooses once she's old enough. 

The issue is that it isn’t only age of consent we’re concerned about regarding this pairing. What Sessriners fail to see is that this grown male authority- her vassal, her guardian, her adoptive father, or whatever you wanna refer to him as- is basically making a move on this girl he had in his company for quite some time. There's no sugarcoating that. Us antis call it how it is, and I'm sure as fucking day other people who don't watch the show would most certainly agree that the Sesshomaru/Rin bond is filial. Set aside those rose-tinted glasses of yours, and going by everything we’ve been delivered in the manga and parts of the anime (and NOT the drama cd), there are literally no hints that indicate a blossoming romance between this adult male demon and this small human girl he’s taken under his wing. You can imagine them all you want if it pleases you, but that doesn’t mean they’re there. Adult!Rin is a figment of your imagination, nothing more. The idolization of this pairing is pretty disturbing seeing as all we have to go off of in canon is Child!Rin. There have only ever been sweet and innocent moments passed between the two, which is why I’m positive that an unbiased viewer or an outsider would state their dynamic resembled something akin to a father-daugther relationship. I would bet a shit ton of money on that, believe you me!

Rin's inhibitions are low because children are naturally naive and don't know any better. Remember, she adores and trust this man with all her heart, so why would she think any of this so-called grooming is not normal behavior. (I only say “so-called grooming” because I don’t think Sesshomaru bringing her gifts in the village has to be a romantic thing.) Or how would she ever be able to understand that she’s being taken advantage of if she has no previous experience with it? Maybe if she was present for that time Inuyasha and the gang scolded Miroku when they had learned that years previous he had supposedly proposed to this young girl in the village they were visiting, then Rin would. And he didn’t even assist in helping raise her but look at how they reacted! How is this any different than Sesshomaru hooking up with Rin later? It’s actually worse in Sessrin's case. Do you honestly believe that Inuyasha and the others would take kindly to this?

It's not uncommon and considered harmless for young children to have crushes on adults, after all, but the adults in these scenarios should never resort to using and abusing the position of power they held or continue to hold over this child for any reason whatsoever.

What I'm trying to get across here is that no matter how you spin it, Sessrin can NEVER be deemed a morally acceptable pairing. Like ship what you want, we're not saying you can't ship Sessrin. What we're saying is this:

STOP referring to their bond as "pure" and not expect backlash for your grossly inaccurate statements. Just admit it's toxic, because it's extremely harmful to many viewers- and not just victims- to pretend and suggest otherwise.

Please remind yourself of the very real canon fact that Rin traveled with Sesshomaru and they established a bond all while she was just a girl. Oh, and he saved her life too many times to count, not to mention brought her back from the dead TWICE. This is why I don't care much for your counter argument "that dynamics can change over time," because although that's true, like with everything in life there must be standards we adhere to. Exceptions to rules, if you will. Our own basic morals demand it.

For instance, it’s normal that some childhood friends begin to like each other as more than friends years down the road. Nothing wrong with that, because that's a natural and healthy occurrence. Now you cannot apply this to an adult and a child for obvious reasons, but what you also cannot do is apply this to an adult who met and knew another adult while they were still just a child. Why? Well, because it'd be like betraying and perverting that former child's view of you. They were never your equal because your established dynamic resembles that of one an adult posesses with a child even once they've grown up. Think about it this way: it's in the same bracket of family members or family friends who've watched you grow up and mature into an adult. Then later just because they're all grown up, does that mean that those children "are not off bounds" - that's quoting a Sessrin shipper by the way- to these certain family members and family friends? 

If you're still struggling to grasp this, I urge you to take a moment (or all the time you need!) to really put yourself in that child's shoes and self-reflect. Would you truly be alright with a family friend you haven't seen in years (but sorely missed because they used to occasionally babysit you) just someday coming back into your life and then very inappropriately flirting with you or even making sexual advances on you? (Sorry for the run-on!) Or even worse, can you picture this happening to one of your own children??! Seriously, ask yourself that and sit with that for a while and really take it all in. It’s not fun, I know, but if that’s what it takes to help you finally understand then please try and practice more ways to utilize your self-awareness in the future. It’s for everyone’s benefit, not only yours, I promise! You'll also find it makes it tremendously easier to empathize with others.

I got news for those fans who don’t view Sesshomaru as a father figure to Rin. The title we give him doesn’t hold as much weight as a lot of us are making it out to be. Let’s try to be neutral here and stick to the hard facts, shall we?

*Sesshomaru is an adult male authority whose protection Rin is under*

*It’s safe to assume that Rin has grown attached to him and maybe even looks up to him*

*They care about each other and the other's well-being*

*He has has played a crucial part in her supervision and care for a significant period of time (yes, even if it’s just passing a message along to Jaken)*

Not so random anecdote: In an Inuyasha episode I recently revisited, Sesshomaru had just rescued Rin from Kohaku who had been possessed by Naraku and was ordered to kill Rin. Anyway, at the end of their scene you can hear Jaken ask out loud, “what should we do for dinner, Lord Sesshomaru?” And that’s about the most domestic thing I’ve ever heard come out of his mouth. They’re such a family dammit and nothing will ever change that!! <3

This is precisely why I could never in a million years view those past students of mine in a romantic light. I don't care how many years have passed, it's just not possible for me. Just the idea of pursuing a romantic and/or sexual relationship absolutely repels me.

Speaking as a former teacher, you don't need to be a parental figure who's around all the time in order to have great love and affection for a child. I would've done absolutely anything in my power to protect them even though they weren't my own. Then again, I did consider them my children in a way even if wasn't in a familial sense. Does that make my love for them any less unique? No, it's just different but not inferior. When you stop to think about, it really doesn't take as long as you may think to establish rapport with a person, particularly children. Connecting with a child is almost instant (but of course some are more receptive than others), and once you do make that special connection one can only make with a child, a strong and overwhelming need to guide and protect them kicks in almost automatically. The unconditional love an adult feels for a child is powerful and constant, and nothing should ever change that. As much as some of you really want to believe otherwise, that feeling doesn’t just go away because they turned 18. In your eyes, they’ll always be that kid.

I get it, sometimes when we escape into these fictional worlds of ours, it's difficult not to project our own wishes and desires onto certain characters. I don't blame fans for picturing themselves with Sesshomaru- I know I did haha- but never once did I self-insert myself as Rin. I know she's one of the biggest catalysts for his character growth- if not THE biggest- but how and why does that need to turn romantic? There are other antis who I have spoken with on this. They informed me that they used to live vicariously through Rin and ship them together, as well. As they got older, they later learned how weird and twisted this ship actually was. That's what's supposed to happen, y'all, you're supposed to grow out of that fixation. 

Now take your mind out of the Inuyasha universe for a second and hypothetically (or not hypothetically if you have kids) answer me this: if and/or when you ever have a child, would you genuinely be comfortable with the idea of them dating and eventually marrying their father’s best friend who was also there to witness them grow up? Be honest please. 

I highly doubt you would want that- or at least I hope not. You see, that's another MAJOR point I've made a few times already and yet you Sessrin shippers continue to avoid the question. It's pretty obvious it hasn't been rhetorical either. Ignorance is bliss?

Finally, I’d like to address one more point. It seems there is a HUGE misconception and I'd like to clear it up real quick. That is Sessrin shippers misinterpret one of the issues we have with this ship. They chalk up our complaints of Sessrin being canon (which is a LIE, nothing has been confirmed yet) to us just being salty because that somehow means our ships aren't or won’t be. I assure you, readers, other antis and I will attest that this ain't about dumb shipping wars, this is so much bigger than that!!!

I noticed recently that some Sessrin fans have even begun calling us Karens lolol like if anybody is a Karen it's them! This ain't about some mere difference in taste, this is very likely to have LONG-LASTING NEGATIVE EFFECTS. Sessrin going canon is a very harmful message to send viewers and children/teens especially. So if anything, it’s these shippers who are being the entitled ones here thinking that the fact we don’t support their ship is the worst thing in the world. NO, THE REAL PROBLEM IS CHILD GROOMING. GET OVER YOURSELF.

Out of nowhere, some of them even started assuming all us antis were white, which in their books is also equivalent to Karens or even white supremacists somehow?? Those aren't one in the same, but it's easy to make it appear that way when the US is currently tackling major systems of oppression and racial injustice. Because to them, all antis must be from over here. (Yes, I'm American. But no, I'm not white.) How else can anyone explain not shipping Sessrin, right?! Somehow they have it in their heads that ALL of Japan and surrounding places are super approving of this ship, and that everyone else isn’t because of their upbringing and “Western way of thinking.”  

To give you an idea of what I mean, look back at what I talked about earlier with their incessant mention of Sessrin vs. Inukag. Because THIS is another popular example of how these shippers present their side and then ignore all the facts. Many fans have already proven how fucked up and inaccurate it is to label whole countries and cultures. It’s like they simply think mentioning it makes it count even though we’ve discredited their points over and over. Nah, you got to back it up with good reasons that support your side of the argument. That’s How To Have An Argument: 101. So at the end of the day, all they're actually achieving in doing is making dumb and entirely unrelated accusations based on nothing just to lead to deductions that are equally unfounded. Nothing at all is accomplished but more gaslighting and hurling of insults on their part = a complete waste of time for antis = an excuse for them to peace out early from the conversation & that’s what they wanted all along

We’ve reached the end (finally! sorry for all the rambling!), and I hope those of you who stayed till the end or read enough can take something positive out of this. As many Inuyasha fans are aware, there will be a livestream with the VAs for Sesshomaru and Rin coming out within the next few hours. We don’t have all the details yet, and afterwards we probably still won’t. I’m not just talking about Sessrin here but about the sequel in general. Whatever happens, please just remember to be kind to one another. If you don’t think you’re capable of doing that, then it’s best you vent and fume elsewhere. Easier said than done, I know, but just try. Throughout this blog, I admit there were moments where I got frustrated and took some jabs at Sessrin shippers. Please believe me when I say that I do not and would not ever wish any of you ill will. 

Inuyasha was such a huge part of my childhood, and I’m not gonna lie, I’m anxious as hell that Sunrise will ruin one of the best things I loved about this show. So pardon me if my reactions are too visceral for your liking. haha Also, like the movies and the drama cd, this sequel is not in fact canon. Therefore, for those of you who disagree or who still plan to enjoy this new series, respect the fact that some of us fans will definitely “cancel” it if we feel that’s what we have to do to come to terms with it and move on. Fans have that right, after all. Why should we get on board with something if it’s so uncharacteristic of and unrecognizable from the original source material? If all this is some sort of cash grab of Sunrise’s doing, then count me out. I truly hope that this sequel turn outs being a lot more promising than a lot of us are expecting. I’m begging you, Sunrise, I wanna believe you’re better than this. Please and thank you!   

By the way, if you’re interested, feel free to check out my two other blogs on this same subject. Click here and here. The last two screenshots do not come from something I’ve written myself. If you’d like to read more from where those came from, let me know and I’d be more than happy to send you the links. Okay, bye for now. Peace out and stay safe, everyone! 

[ephemeralgalaxies]

Loki Ep4 Spoilers below (once more bc I just can't help myself, can I?)

It's been a while since I've had a character as interesting as Mobius to analyze and I have no chill. Spoilers start below:

Also some spoilers for WandaVision but it's been months so hopefully y'all have seen it

TL;DR Mobius really trying to connect back with Loki in order to try and bring the TVA down (and also bc "oops, Loki was right, guess I gotta own up to that bitterness") and it works but it hurts so much. Also see: I can't stop watching this scene over and over trying to understand Mobius' subtle actions bc his reaction here is so different than in all other scenes where he's usually calm or trying to delve deep into Loki's mind for information. Now he's just desperate.

Ok so I know I made a post talking about Mobius' jealousy in that interrogation scene but I also want to touch on when he comes back again after seeing the footage from C-20's interrogation scene bc man is so desperate here and I'm crying

(I'm sorry, I can't get gifs to work for me today so we just using images. But I got these from this post)

Mobius was so hurt last time we saw him, Loki being thrown back into the time cell with Lady Sif, hitting our dear agent with "out of all the liars in this place... you are the biggest... for the [lies] you tell yourself." Mobius has been pushing down all these doubts, hiding all his questions and curiosities of the TVA for a while. He's teased Ravonna, but could never really get anywhere. Then after speaking with Loki about Sylvie, about "you're all variants", Hunter B-15's suspicions, the oddness of C-20's "death" (M:"she was just fine before." R:"well, then she suddenly wasn't fine."). Mobius is finally allowing himself to realize things, to question truly what is going on. (R: "Is that what you wanted to hear?" M: "Yeah, if that's the truth." R: "You've been around Lokis too long.")

In this scene, when he comes back to the time cell for Loki, he's frustrated, he's angry, he's desperate. Everything is a lie. He can't pretend anymore. Loki has bonded with Sylvie (actually caring for another human being without the trauma of Thor: The Dark World and Thor: Ragnarok) ((I'm begging you, pls let him see a variant of Thor in this series and get to bond again, I miss them)). C-20 is likely pruned and gone forever with no answers. B-15 is getting anxious and unfocused. Ravonna is snapping at him and manipulating him with those long speeches (please, Mobius has heard enough from Loki's videos to know when he's being manipulated by fake sentimental words). He's tired, no longer patient enough for all the little quips-- he just need answers. For once in his "life" at the TVA, he just wants the truth. Something to safely hold to.

He's just put Loki through this timeloop of Lady Sif, of someone from home someone that could've been close to him under different circumstances, someone his brother cared about, kicking him/slapping him/ berating him with "you deserve to be alone, and you always will be." Loki's whole "Sacred Timeline Life" marks him to "always be alone", to finally get close to people before being torn away (whether in his own volition or by someone/something else). But with Loki caring for Sylvie, maybe even loving her, this changes everything for this Loki. He could finally care enough to save someone, to go out of his way in order to help others at his own cost. And Mobius knows this.

He asks again, desperate, pleading, hoping. Loki has to believe in himself, has to love himself enough to think to believe that he deserves a family, love, security from his greatest fear. He has to have changed because if not, then he'll either get pruned or wind up just like Mobius. Either way, gone from existence-- life erased, precious memories of "what if", "what once was", obliterated. He has to believe, or it'll happen again and again and again. To everyone, to the whole universe, unless something someone could do the impossible and shatter all reality.

With Wanda (specifically in WandaVision, final episode end credits), with her searching for her children and Vision, attempting the impossible and blending her realities in order to give them life because she needs them, she loves them. (M: "If you really care about [Sylvie]..."). This threat to the Sacred Timeline, pushing closer and closer to the MCU Multiverse, because they have to, because they want to.

(sorry again for bland picture, I love his expression in this gif but it wont load)

Mobius knows Loki is hurting-- from Lady Sif, from his past, from failing to protect Sylvie on his own, from Mobius not believing him and calling him "just a bad friend". He knows Loki could learn to believe, but he doesn't yet. Only Frigga ever told him she believed in him, he needs to hear it again. He needs to know he deserves love because he is loved. Mobius does, "believe, stupidly" (ep2) that Loki has this potential.

When I first saw this scene in the trailers, I was nervous it would be in the context of Mobius trying to get Loki on the TVA's side, "someone good". But here, this is so much better-- he knows the TVA is lying, is manipulating, is destroying lives. (L: "No one bad is every truly bad, and no one good is ever truly good" ep2 again lol). Loki knows he's not "truly good", that he's hurt people-- whether he planned to or not. But he can still be good. He can still choose to love, to care, to believe.

He can be what he's always wanted, what Frigga promised him, what he's always feared. He can be known, be loved, be safe-- Loki doesn't just fear being alone, he fears people choosing to leave him. That's why the memory of Lady Sif instead of Thor reaching for him on the Rainbow Bridge or Thanos threatening the Asgardian refugees or even Odin trying to explain why he "saved" Loki when he fought Loki's homeland. This memory was casual, simple, unnecessary. But it's always the smallest moments that truly impact us the most-- the slight changes.

When Mobius says this to Loki, he freezes-- he's confused, hesitant, scared. No one tells him this, why is someone telling him this, how can I believe this?

And then:

.And the little shrug Mobius gives here

It's so casual, so simple, so nonchalant. He just wants to reassure Loki that he still cares. He just spent a whole interrogation hounding on Loki for finding love with Sylvie, for changing with her (jealous boi be jealous), for lying to him and betraying him (M: "You don't do partners... unless ofc it benefits you and you intend to betray them at some point"). But now, now he's stopped lying to himself. He knows he cares, that Loki has a chance, that they have to burn this place down. Mobius wants stop this from ever happening again, from someone ever having to go through what Loki's gone through, being told they can never be loved because that's just how the Timeline goes. That a kid would be taken away from their family (probably because Sylvie presents feminine?? Idk, feel like MCU Odin wouldn't be so good with that). He has to reassure Loki, he wants to, because no one should ever feel that way again.

(and frick I really hate this, please look at the gifs from the linked post above, u gotta see his precious smile grow)

LOOK AT THIS SMILE, LOOK AT HIM HE'S HAPPY. And it was such a small, subtle apology from Mobius but it made all the difference bc he told Loki that he believes in him. And then they walk back out of the time cell, side-by-side, looking at each other. Content, safe, prepared to face the world together. He's no longer alone.

... And then ofc this happens...

*cue my heart shattering* (bless Hiddleston's acting).

The fact that you can even hear the hitch in Mobius' breath as he realizes this is the end of the line for him, that Ravonna knows and there's no going back--he's not making it out of this.

"One last desperate trick from the desperate trickster."

He talks about the jetski, about what his life might have been, he knows this hits Loki, being ripped from your timeline, losing all that potential. More importantly, it gives Loki a reason to fight. A silent, "Don't let this happen again. Don't let them get away with this. Please, remember me, don't let me disappear." But it doesn't work, because the one thing Mobius didn't account for, is that Loki cares about him. That now, the fight drains out of him. They pruned Mobius, ofc they'll get to Loki and Sylvie. They didn't even hesitate. Loki just lost, once again, the only other person who ever told him they believed in him. "You can be whoever, whatever..." "She told me I could do anything..."

Loki is less of a narcissist and more of a person desperate to fill that hole inside-- he's been neglected, cast aside, told he should want this and then never getting it. A "Glorious Purpose" to always hide in the shadows, to cause suffering, to give others a reason to unite against him. But for once, just once he hoped that he didn't have to do it alone-- that he could unite. And then they crushed those beautiful few seconds of hope like it was just another tedious, burdening purpose of the TVA.

(credits of images/gifs to the original posts linked, none were mine as I can't figure this out at all lol)