#saying this as I queue in the longest check in queue

[shijiujun]

sometimes I think about how history3: modc literally picked an ending OST of which lyrics starts with ‘I still don’t know why you left’ and NONE OF US THOUGHT ABOUT THAT FORESHADOWING LIKE WTF

[meoproject]

Hello, I'm offering some valetine day-ish commissions; if ordered over this weekend, I will be able to complete them for the 14th!

> NOTE < The body type, expression and outfit are placeholders/base sketch -- they can be adjusted to your liking! This includes character types: Green pose CAN be a human character, and blue pose can be anthro, etc.

All example characters are women, but I can draw male characters as well, as well as nb/gnc/agender/etc. characters. Basically, what I'm saying, any gender/sex is fine. Characters that match the base sketch are preferred (weight and and muscles can be added, so if your character is chubby or toned, rather than slender, that is not a problem!), but if your character has proportions that are very different from the ones shown on the base sketch, extra fee might be requested.

By default these are meant to be lingerie type pin ups, but if you want a different kind of outfit, you can request it. Complex outfits might cost extra.

Price: - Flat color: 40 usd >>> Flat color is, well, flat color with no shading. There will be some highlights or texturing for added depth.

- Simple shading shading: 50 usd >>> Simple shading includes flat colors and shading done on 1 layer + 1 highlight layer

- Complex shading: 65 usd >>> Softer or more complex shadows, rendered on multiple shading and highlight layers.

Complex character details might increase the price! Ask if unsure. Simple "graphic" background is included. Just a color splash/texture/gradient/sketch to add mood. IF you want to get a more complex background, ask, and we might be able to discuss it. For your money you get both a web-sized version for sharing and posting [longest side ~1280 px] and a full work file for personal viewing.

As with all my cheap YCHs, you will NOT receive WIPs, just the finished artwork. If you are looking for something similar to this, but want to see WIPs, check out my general commissions, which are open as well! I will, of course, fix mistakes I've made that are not the result of insufficient or inaccurate references.

Characters with extremely stylized proportions (such as any hyper character, shortstack etc.) and taurs/nagas or characters with extra arms/legs/heads aren't accepted! All poses can be flipped to change handedness or showcase asymmetrical features better.

POSES: 1 - Blue pose. Any gender, any species. Wings ok! 2 - Red pose. Any gender, any species. Wings ok! If your character doesn't have a specific necklace, you can let me design one, or just give me a reference for a specific one you want included. 3 - Green pose. Any gender, any species. No wings. The teddy bear can be customized to a small degree -- for example, triangular ears can be given to imply a cat character, or it can be given small horns to imply a dragon etc, or it can be colored to match a stylized version of a specific characters's color scheme.

Payment up front, no holds, no payment plans, this is not an auction so choose whichever option you want.

General ToS applies! My general commission info (includes links to queue and ToS) is here: https://meoproject.tumblr.com/commission PLEASE NOTE that these might take anything from 1-2 months to complete, though currently I am aiming to complete them in two to three weeks. If you need a specific deadline, contact me, and we can discuss.

If interested, e-mail me sirmeo[at]gmail.com ! Please include the following information: - Your username (you won't be credited otherwise!) - Your paypal address for invoicing - Your character name - What level of finish you're looking for (flats, simple shaded, complex shaded) - Your character reference (1-3 best pictures; avoid giving huge galleries of subtly conflicting references) - Desired pose number and color - Other info, such as expression/mood, references for outfits or props...

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Ahhhhh Lester Billings fic was so gooodddd I loved ittttttt pls make a part two 🙏🙏🙏

45 Days of Waiting - Lester Billings/Reader

Warnings: Gender neutral reader, no use of Y/N, friends to roommates, accusations of cheating and abuse (both false of course), reader is still pining, Lester is still sad, happy ending.

Wordcount: 25210

Summary: You called in every favour you could to find someone to take his case so he could get his family back, but inviting him to stay with you was surely bound to have more consequences than even you could've expected as your friendship with him blossoms even more.

Notes: Ask and you shall receive hehe the idea of writing out the custody hearing was always in my mind when thinking of the sequel to this, but godDAMN did I not expect it to be so long. The hearing itself takes up a good chunk of this, but there's also a ton of other scenes as your friendship (and relationship? 😏) grows, so while this is the longest reader of mine to date somehow I promise it'll be a worthy read that'll lead into even more with him as I go through the final two requests for him in my queue 😊 And while there are OCs of mine in here as secondary characters again, I may've gone a bit overboard with my usual Matty cameo hehehe

I also looked up how long the original story was, and it was only 4808. I've written over 6x the amount of plot for this man than Stephen King himself, so I think it's now safe to say I now own him and this is now how his life turns out 👍 Hope everyone who might've looked forward to this enjoys it 💗💗💗

It was Thursday night again, your car pulling into the grocery store in town as it always did at around 5:15PM. It was the soonest you could get there after work, and you'd been working like crazy lately, your office phone ringing off the hook and calling just as much as you attempted to trade in every single favour you had stocked up. You were dead tired as you yanked a cart free and started on the list in your hand, the usual favourites now followed by a bunch of healthy foods as well as the odd treat. It was a long list, but money hadn't been an issue ever since you'd started your job at the firm, and now that Lester was working again he always made sure to pay you back since he was now spending his Thursdays, along with every other night, at the office for as long as he could get away with.

It'd been a couple weeks since you'd found him at Walkers, since he’d confessed to you that his wife was leaving him and taking his kids on the suspicion of cheating, and the thought of it still made your blood boil as you stared at the pasta sauces and grabbed your favourite, not hers. You placed two jars into your cart and moved on, each item crossed off your list until you reached the dessert counter at the end, the worker seeing you coming and already preparing two slices of Caramel Pecan for you and him to take home.

It was still a little strange to think about how he was coming home to you, just temporarily until he could finish securing a new place of his own that'd be suitable for his kids, something he hadn't dared to think about when he'd started his hunt, but to you all the same. He took up your entire couch to the point where you'd had to take pity on him after that first night, your bed offered to him when he'd woken up with his back irritated from being all bunched up. He didn't want it, he was already imposing on you during all of this, but one offered massage later had him feeling better and a little more ready to get a good night's sleep. 

You'd checked on him that second night, his suitcases decorating your floor and the single picture he'd managed to grab decorating your nightstand where he could see it before he fell asleep, and you vowed again that this wouldn't stay his future as you'd spent the rest of the night looking up every big name in your work contact list.

You packed the groceries into your car and headed home, his receipt separate from yours so he could keep track of what he owed you as usual, and you planned on what to make for him by the time he got home later that night all the way back to your house. It was a long drive, so you had plenty of time to create a meal based on what you'd just bought, your fingers tapping the wheel as you wondered if he'd prefer the kale salad tonight or if he'd want to go with the stir fry instead. 

It was almost unbelievable how fast your crush kept trying to come back now that you saw him every day, little reminders of why you'd properly fallen in the first place cropping up and trying to distract you from your cause, but each time you just swallowed them down; he needed a friend right now, the poor guy was about to lose his marriage for goodness sake, so any interference from you and your own needs would only make him feel worse.

You'd seen cases like this before, one wrong move and Rita would be able to use everything out of context and prove that he was unfaithful to the judge while she made her claim for full custody, and if you were the cause of her winning you'd never be able to forgive yourself.

You forced yourself to breathe as you pulled into the driveway, everything needing to be carried up the small steps to your front door as soon as it was opened, and just as you propped it open and got ready to bring everything in you ended up pausing at the smell of food. You stepped inside, sniffing curiously as you wondered if maybe one of you had forgotten to turn something off or throw something away that morning, and when you reached the kitchen you froze with a pounding heart when you saw Lester standing at the sink, currently peeling and slicing potatoes while a big pan of beef was browning on the stove. 

‘You're h- back early,’ you pointed out as he transferred the potatoes to another pan, and he jumped only a little before chuckling and wiping off his hands.

‘Yeah, I'm going in again after dinner, I just wanted to thank you for all you've been doing for me lately,’ he explained almost nervously, like you wouldn't appreciate the gesture, and you forgot all about the food in your car and all the wide open doors you'd left behind as you rushed forward to give him a hug. You caught yourself before he could hug you back, your hands coming up to straighten your work casual clothes as you cleared your throat. You were very aware of how inappropriate that just was despite you being friends, but before you could apologize he pulled you right back into it. ‘What kind of thanks comes without a hug?’ he asked into your shoulder, and you held him tightly until a mix of the beef spitting grease everywhere and your front door slamming shut made you part.

‘Oh yeah, the groceries, I'll help you cook after I bring them all in,’ you offered as you headed back for the car, Lester shaking his head and mixing around the beef now that more of it was browned.

‘This is my thanks to you, I do know how to make a thing or two without needing a menu,’ he joked lively, his familiar smile back again, and you just smiled right back before rushing out to bring everything in.

You were at work that week when someone finally called you back, a woman from a neighbouring firm who you'd worked with a few times and was interested in his case. She was aware of his financial situation, how Rita had kept all the cards and how he was stuck to his brand new debit account that was only loaded with a few paychecks for the moment, and together you'd worked out that this would be pro bono for now; when he was given access back to his personal savings - which she was hoarding in order to pay the bills - then he would be able to pay her. 

What he wouldn't know was that you'd also called in one of your favours so the bill for this would be lessened, just another kindness to him while he went through all of this. She was on the phone with you as you wrote all of this down into a personal report to give to her to help with the case, the receiver cradled between your jaw and shoulder before you remembered that speakerphone had been invented even on landlines. 

‘He's staying with me for the time being, he has a few places we're gunna check out next week to see if they'd be a good fit for his kids to visit until he can start hunting for a house again,’ you told her as you set the phone down, your hands moving fast over the keyboard of your laptop in time with your voice. ‘They're all in town, so they won't have to be too far from their school and friends, that was something he forgot about when he first started looking, but it's all sorted and we just need to settle on a location and price.’

‘You keep saying, “we,” be sure not to do that during any meetings, not when his wife is already accusing him of being unfaithful,’ Gwen reminded you warily, and you mentally slapped your hand to your forehead as you kept on typing.

‘Shit, yeah, sorry, it's been harder not to lately since he keeps asking for my opinion,’ you groaned, all of your thoughts on all the things you'd been doing together overwriting the fact that he should be doing this on his own even without you acting as his lawyer, just his friend. 

‘It's fine with us, I know you'd never put him in that position, but you never know who she might be hiring to falsify evidence in her favour when she's this convinced that it's true.’ She paused to take a drink of something so you paused in return to stretch your hands, your cell lighting up with a text from him asking if you want him to pick up anything on the way home since he knew you would also be late; home, he'd started calling it that even though you’d tried your damndest not to, and your crush whispered in your ear about how right it sounded as you quickly tapped out a reply and set the device back down again.

‘We don't spend any time together outside of the house, and we leave at different times so unless she has someone actually following us, which I will report, there's nothing going on here other than me helping out a friend,’ you told her as you got back to your report, and you heard her click her tongue a couple times before adjusting how she held her own phone.

‘Still, be careful during this, you may not be representing him due to your closeness to this case, but you became a liability to him the moment you opened your door to him under this suspicion. Keep it platonic, keep it distant, don't add fuel to the fire, and we can meet sometime next week to go over the rest of the details, okay? Just text me your address and I'll be there, the less he's seen in public with anyone the better so long as we don't know who she thinks the cheating is with.’ You nodded guiltily even though she couldn't see, your hands stopping their typing as you touched your cheek again even though the sting was long gone. 

You didn't know if it'd really be brought up during the hearing, but you didn't want to have to tell him that the accused was actually you, your appearance in his life only making everything go to hell in such a short time. You knew deep down that it wasn't actually your fault, you'd never made a single move on him and she was only lashing out in jealousy over something that didn't exist, but you knew that custody tended to favour the mothers and if there was a single shred of doubt that she could twist into him looking like a bad father then you would play the part of friend until even you believed it.

The call ended and you texted her your address along with a good time when the neighbours were usually out, it'd be easy to leave work for this at least on your part, Lester's boss giving him a little more leniency than usual while this was sorted so far so hopefully it wouldn't be an issue for him either. You saved your report and shut your laptop for the night, you had no more energy to do this and you needed to eat, your earlier denial of takeout being redacted as you texted him your favourites from the place he had to now pass by to get to you.

The meeting couldn't come sooner, Lester on constant edge as he paced around your room the night before. You could hear exactly where he was as you tried to sleep on the couch in the next room, each creak in the wood giving away his position until finally it stopped. You sighed, it'd been hours and it had honestly been keeping you awake, but not because of the noise; you were just as nervous as he was, the two of you up late before this deep cleaning your entire one-story house just to be sure you were ready to start this battle, and you were until you'd heard him get out of bed and start pacing.

Now your room was quiet again, and you waited for the sound of snoring when you heard your door creak open next instead. ‘Hey, I can't sleep,’ came his small voice from the doorway, and you couldn't even pretend to be asleep when he could clearly see your face looking his way from there.

‘Me either,’ you admitted as you pushed yourself onto your elbows, Lester brushing his messy bangs out of his eyes, and you could see how tired they were even from there. ‘Want me to put on some coffee? We can watch something until we fall asleep.’

‘No, but… it's silly, nevermind.’ He went to shut the door, your body sitting up even more as you pushed aside your blanket.

‘Wait, you can tell me, I'm worried about tomorrow, too,’ you confided in him before the door could shut, and he let out his own sigh as he opened it back up again.

‘I've been lying next to someone for over 20 years, and lately I've been too… too sad or too tired to notice but… I can't ignore it tonight, not now that I know this is happening starting tomorrow.’ Your mouth went dry as you understood his pacing, and you moved on instinct before you could stop yourself. ‘You don't have to, I just- don't want to be alone, tonight,’ he mumbled, this new and sad version of him cropping up again as the thoughts of sleeping without his longtime girlfriend and then wife and mother of his children clearly plagued him.

‘What're friends for?’ you could only say as you joined him in your room, an unspoken tension filling the air as he still tried to backtrack.

‘I'm not asking for… uh, sexual favours, or anything,’ he mumbled nervously, and you quickly raised your hands and took a step back as you prayed the darkness of the night was hiding your blush.

‘I didn't come in here expecting you to!’ you clarified just as nervously in way too loud a voice for that late at night, and he smiled in relief as his shoulders relaxed.

‘Okay, thank you, it's just that the thought of sleeping alone- for the longest time I'd forgotten how that felt, and like I said I've been too distracted to think about it until now, but if you'd rather not I can try,’ he insisted as to not pressure you, and you had to silence your crush with something louder as you took his hand and led him towards the bed.

‘You don't need to explain yourself to me, you're going through something I can't even imagine, if this'll help you then I want to help,’ you told him honestly, and he pushed aside his fear as he got back into bed. You made sure the blinds were all closed just in case, your talk with Gwen making you a bit paranoid as the room got even darker, and when you were done you made sure your pajamas were a little less loose before climbing in after him. 

You laid arm to arm with a generous amount of space between you, your entire body stiff as you felt him tense as well; neither of you were going to be able to fall asleep at this rate, so you quickly let out a breath and rolled onto your side. You faced him, both physically and metaphorically, in order to let him turn his back to you, maybe your arm around him would be more appreciated than him thinking he could hold you and pretend, but to your surprise he faced you as well, maybe stuck in the same train of thought of what he wanted. 

‘What do we do now?’ he asked you softly, your hands gripping the sheets as your eyes quickly looked away from his lips.

‘I dunno, how did you usually sleep?’ you asked back, and he gave a slight shrug as he also looked away from you.

‘She didn't like it much towards the end, but… I usually held Rita until I was able to fall asleep, something about the dark has always made it harder for me, I think I might’ve passed that on to Annie…’ He fell silent again upon thinking of his daughter, still at home and waiting for her dad to come tuck her in and kiss her goodnight, and when you both sniffed at the same time you couldn't stop yourself; you leaned forward in the dim light, your hand finding his cheek and leading the way towards him, and even though his breath hitched and he didn't close his eyes, he also didn't pull away as you pressed a kiss to his lips. 

You pulled back almost immediately, reality catching up to you the moment he angled his head just enough to kiss you back, and you sat right up and started apologizing before his gentle hand found yours.

‘I still love my wife, even though she's doing this,’ was all he told you, the kindness and understanding you'd come to love showing up when you wanted it the least, and you tore your hand free to wipe at your cheek.

‘I know, I don't know why I did that, that's not why I came in here,’ you said as fast as you could, your mind racing as you felt the embarrassment and shame from the kiss beat you down until you were starting to panic; you knew he didn't need this right now, any feelings you still had for him very unappreciated when he still loved his wife and was trying his hardest to get his family back. Your feelings for him coming out now would only ruin everything, you didn't belong in that part of his life, and if you'd just walked away that day at the party then maybe this never would've even happened. ‘I'm sorry, I'm ruining everything, I never meant to-’

‘Come here, it's okay,’ he shushed you, his voice too soft and too kind as he pulled you back down to the bed. He turned you until your back was to his chest, and you tried to still your sobs even more now that he could feel this with his entire body as he wrapped his arm around your waist. ‘I know I'm being selfish here, I never should've asked this much from you, but I can't return your kindness like this, not when I don't feel the same,’ he murmured into your shoulder, and you tried to hide the way your body instinctively curled up at his words.

‘I never wanted you to,’ you replied into your pillow, and you felt him hold you a little tighter until the sound of gentle snoring reached your ear; just laying like this had put him to sleep, the comfort of being able to hold someone again lulling away the stress of it all until he was able to rest. You held him just a moment before letting go, your hands clenched into your pillow as you stared at the faint moonlight coming through your blinds. ‘I'm sorry, I should've just walked away, I never meant to do this to you,’ you told him properly, but he didn't hear any of it, and you knew it as you kept apologizing until you also fell asleep in his arms.

Despite being up late, the two of you were awake as soon as the sunlight filled the room, the few hours you were able to get seemingly enough for him as he looked a little less tired. You slept a little longer than him, just enough to slip free and grab some clothes so you could shower fast and make sure everything was ready for Gwen's arrival a good 8 hours later. You were in the middle of rinsing your hair when you heard him moving around outside the door, the sound of him rummaging through his suitcases making you frown as the water ran over your face. 

This was temporary, he was here to save himself some much needed money from hotels while he looked for a new home, you didn't belong in that part of his life. You repeated that to yourself as you finished up, the bathroom free for him as you opened the door with your brush still in hand. He froze as he went to pass, your hand stilling as you tamed your drying hair, an awkwardness settling over you that made you wish he'd find his own place even sooner.

‘I'm sorry, about last night,’ he mumbled as he held his clothes for the day, this surprising you as you set your brush down. ‘I shouldn't have asked that of you, I didn't know you had…’

‘I don't,’ you were quick to lie, needing to console him more than let your feelings be known right now, ‘I don't know why I… did what I did last night, that wasn't fair to you.’

He looked away but not in his own embarrassment, even though he'd kissed you back despite saying he didn't feel the same. ‘It was a vulnerable moment, we can act irrationally in times like that,’ he began, his hands worrying around his clothes as he fussed with them, ‘I know this, because when Rita told me she wanted the divorce, I found myself getting angry at her, for the first time since we got together.’ You turned to face him entirely, your focus only on him as he all but collapsed against the doorframe. ‘We've had arguments before, it's not like I've never been mad at her in all our years of knowing each other, all couples fight, but when she said those words to me- I don't know, at the time I could only feel anger, betrayal, confusion, and-’

He stopped, you'd talked about how he'd felt after he moved in since he couldn't afford to see a therapist, but this was new as you waited patiently for him to trust you with the rest.

‘I lashed out, then. I didn't hit her, I never could, but I made her feel unsafe around me when I tried to get her to tell me why she was doing this. That's why she's claiming full custody, not because she thinks I was cheating.’ You didn't realize you were holding your breath until your chest started to ache for a different reason, and when you approached him he allowed you to lead him back to the bed so he could sit down. 

His eyes were sad again, sadder than you'd ever seen them, and you knew that he'd been carrying this secret the entire time you'd been trying to help him. 

‘I needed to tell you before it came out any other way, you deserve to know that much after everything you're doing for me, and that's why I don't blame you or hate you for that kiss, it wasn't like I didn't enjoy just a bit of positive affection, after everything that's been going on…’

‘Lester, I… thank you, for telling me this. You need to tell Gwen when she comes over, Rita is sure to use this and we need to prove to them that this was a one time thing, that you would never hurt your family,’ you told him seriously, your hands grasping his arm as he stared at the floor in shame of his actions no matter how they'd turned out. He nodded but didn't look hopeful, and you knew you shouldn't but still you wrapped your arms around him, let him know you were there and on his side; he eased into you, a long sigh of relief leaving him as you pulled him even closer to you, your hands locking over his arm when you felt him tremble.

‘It's my own fault, I caused this…’ You held him tighter, your face burying into his shoulder as he covered his own with his hand. ‘Maybe if I'd paid better attention to her, listened to her concerns, been a better husband-’

‘You did everything you could, I've never known you to be anything but that,’ you insisted as he shook his head, not wanting to hear it.

‘It wasn't good enough.’

You fell back onto the mattress, dragging him with you until he lost his balance, and as soon as he was laying down you let go of his arms to instead sit up and cup his cheeks so he'd look at you. ‘Stop it. I've been doing this a long time, Lester. I've seen truly bad people do even worse things, and I've seen colleagues I trusted represent these people in order to make them look like saints. I've seen bad, I've seen terrible, neglect, abuse, evil. And you're none of these things,’ you insisted, and when he was unable to look away he just laid there and listened as the tears rolled down his cheeks. ‘You're a wonderful father, and even if you made a mistake in a moment of great distress, that doesn't make you a monster. 

‘The monsters are out there, waiting to strike when you're most vulnerable, and they'll take and devour until good people like you are gone. And I won't let that happen to you or your kids, do you hear me?’ He met your eye when your hands started to shake, not with sadness but determination at your words, you were going to help him, he was going to get his kids back, and you'd fight off any monster it took to get to that point.

‘Why're you doing this for me?’ he suddenly asked as he fell completely still, and your hands left him as you sat back and just stared at him. ‘I know I've been staying here, but we still barely know each other, not enough for you to do this much.’

Because I love you.

‘Because I'm your friend, or, I thought I was, if you think that we're not close enough for this.’ You couldn't pretend it didn't hurt, your face betraying how hard you were trying to keep it together, and when he took your hands and brought you down you fell just as easily as he did.

‘You are, and you've been there for me when none of the others have,’ he whispered into your hair, your chest aching as you remembered just how many people had been at his parties. ‘Once it got out that I punched that wall they all sided with her, if it wasn't for you I'd be alone.’

‘It's not fair.’

‘...I'm sorry to put all this on you.’

‘No, it's not fair that she's taking everything from you. I wish I had contacted Gwen first, I wish I could be the one to do this for you, you don't know- fuck, I don't understand it,’ you moaned as you rested your cheek on his chest, the two of you just holding each other as the sun rose even higher in the sky and officially started the day. ‘We'll tell her everything, she's good, I've seen her help so many good people who didn't stand a chance otherwise, and I know you do despite how this all looks; we’ll convince them all it's not true, I won't stop until we do.’

‘You're a good friend, I wish I'd met you sooner,’ he said softly, and you could hear his smile as your hands clung to his shirt this time. 

‘Yeah, I do too.’

You both laid there until you fell asleep again, he really needed the comfort of another person there in order to really relax, and you both felt better as you woke up a second time a few hours later. Your entire home felt less tense, and there was no running around as you made some brunch and went over what you were going to say. Thanks to your report she already knew a lot of what'd happened from your perspective, but getting to meet with him would be what he needed now that he was ready to talk about everything and not just what you thought you knew.

When she finally arrived it felt like there was some real hope for him, everything coming out about that night as you all sat down in your living room and spread out the pages on your coffee table. He told you how she'd approached him before bed just after he'd tucked in Annie and Shaun, how she demanded he tell her the truth about who he was seeing, and when he couldn't answer how she'd then accused him of cheating in plain sight. Your heart ached and your hands gripped your couch so hard that they cramped as you listened, Lester going into full detail about how she'd then refused to say who she thought he was seeing, which you knew, but also slapped him when he tried to tell her the truth.

You saw red at that, Gwen stopping the conversation like she'd just realized you'd been there the whole time. ‘Maybe it'd be better if you went for a drive while I talk to him, without representing him there isn't much you can do here,’ she suggested carefully, Lester already starting to shut down as he touched the same cheek as your own slap.

‘No, I want to be here for him, everyone else left and I refuse to do the same, I have no one to break confidentiality with,’ you insisted as you sat up straighter, and when Lester gave a small nod to confirm that he'd prefer your presence there Gwen could only agree and let him finish.

‘Well, after she hit me we ended up arguing loud enough to wake Deni, whose room is closest to ours. She made sure to keep Shaun away when we got louder, she's too responsible for her age, it's because of her that I was able to snap out of it,’ he continued as he fiddled with the pencil he'd used to fill out the forms she'd brought. ‘But first, when Rita was yelling at me, tried to make me believe that I was lying to her and that I was just trying to keep seeing this lover she was convinced I had, when I was starting to get frustrated and couldn't get a word in, that's when she asked for the divorce, or demanded it, really, there was no asking. 

‘She was sick of me bringing this lover around to flaunt in front of her, started listing off all these times where I’d invited friends over for stuff like parties and movie nights, but it was always with people she knew, I still don’t- anyway, I think I might’ve blacked out after that, because the next thing I knew I was yelling at her, and when I looked down my knuckles were scratched up and there was an indent in our wall.’ He swallowed heavily, Gwen writing everything down as she stared up at him with a level expression.

‘Did you hit her at any point?’ she asked not to accuse or insinuate, but still you frowned at her as he shut his eyes and tried to concentrate.

‘No, I hit the wall but that was it, I didn’t even grab her when she backed away,’ he confessed, and you hated the woman even more as the tears started to fall again. ‘She told me she wanted full custody right before Deni rushed in to make sure everything was okay, and I didn’t argue with her again about it for the rest of the night.’

‘You slept on the couch?’

‘Deni’s room, she has one of those bunkbeds with the folding couch as the bottom bunk, since her friends are always staying the night; I slept on that since she didn’t want me to be alone, I swear she’s too mature…’ He smiled fondly but sadly as he cleaned himself up, he really missed her and her siblings, and you exchanged a look with Gwen as she finished writing. ‘The next morning she had a bag already packed for me, we were supposed to go on vacation so it was at the end of the bed, said she wanted me out because she was done listening to my lies, and I’ve only been back once since then to properly pack when the kids were out of the house so they wouldn’t have to see us fight again.’

‘And did you fight, that second time?’

‘No, I just packed up a few suitcases and left while she kept watch, made sure I didn’t take anything, it’s only while she was heading for the door that I was able to grab a picture of our kids from the TV stand.’ He let out a breath, he felt better getting it all out to someone who was going to help him, like a sinner confessing to a priest, and you reached over and gave his hand a reassuring pat as Gwen hummed to herself and put her notebook down.

‘Do you think you’d be able to remember exactly who was at these events she listed? If we can make a comprehensible list of everyone there we might be able to guess who she thinks this lover is, get them to stand with us and tell the judge that this is all a big understanding, although I do think a divorce might be beneficial for everyone after the amount of distrust and toxicity that arose between you,’ she said honestly, and instantly he straightened up, his hands grasping the table as he nearly fell to his knees.

‘But my kids-’

‘We’ll still fight for custody, at best it’ll be shared, but that’ll be better than letting her get full, don’t you agree?’ He nodded, even though he didn’t like the sound of not being able to see them everyday he still nodded all the same, and you reached for him again when Gwen interrupted by handing him her notebook, a new page waiting for him. ‘Try and remember as many names as you can, from as many of her events as well, everything helps right now,’ she told him as he took it, and he nodded again before concentrating on all the friends he tended to invite to his many parties; you didn’t realize how much you missed them until that moment, missed how in his element he was as he helped grill, set up the projector, toweled off his kids until they were embarrassed and had to fix their hair in front of their laughing friends.

The man before you was so different than him, all hunched shoulders and sad eyes, and with each name that he added to the list you knew that it was your fault he looked like this, everything all because of you and the reason why he wasn't at home right now throwing another party and jumping into the pool with a full stomach and reckless abandon. You wanted to tell him sorry again, your hands clasped in your lap as he finished up the list and handed it back over, Gwen’s eyes trailing over it for any names that stood out repeatedly when her frown of concentration turned to one of concern instead.

‘This is very helpful, thank you, I’ll start contacting them this week if you can give me their numbers next, and would you be able to help me grab something from the car real quick?’ The second part was directed at you, and your own frown turned to one of matching concern as he began going through his phone to write down as many numbers as he could before your return. You followed her outside, her car parked behind yours since his was hidden in your garage, but she didn’t go to it as soon as she shut the door behind herself. ‘It’s you, isn’t it?’

‘What?’

‘Please don’t play dumb with me right now, your name was listed under every single event right down to the movie night with one other couple, you’re the one Rita thinks he’s cheating on her with, aren’t you?’ Her gaze was serious and almost angry as she spoke, no more neutral calmness as she stared you down, and you tried to say no before it all spilled out all at once.

‘Don’t tell him, please-’

‘Jesus!’

‘We never did anything, he only ever invited me over with everyone else, there really was nothing going on,’ you insisted desperately, Gwen rubbing her eyes as she backed away from you.

‘You’ve just made this so much harder to prove, he’s been staying at your fucking house for weeks,’ she groaned into her palm, her eyes on the door like she could see him still seated at the couch on the other side of the wood. ‘What did you do to give her the impression that he was seeing you, because clearly he has no idea it’s you.’

‘Nothing-! I really did nothing, I just showed up a few times, it wasn't even that many, I would never pursue a married man.’ You needed her to believe you, she was his only shot and even though you only just barely knew each other you knew that if she bailed then that was it, no one else would help him. ‘I swear to you, my intentions have only been innocent since the start, he doesn’t even know I-’

‘You have feelings for him, sonofabitch if that gets out her lawyer will use that to high heaven, everything you’ve done will be twisted into something selfish, you letting him stay here could end up being his downfall, how could you do something so stupid?’

You bit your lip as you rested against the wall of the entryway, the bricks cold against your back as you fought not to shake. ‘I know it was stupid, but he’d just lost everything, I didn’t want him to keep shelling out money for that hotel while he tried to save up for a house, I thought this was the only way to help him…’

‘We’re going to find him a place today, and he’s going to stay in a hotel until this hearing is over and he can move in.’

‘What, no, he can’t afford it!’

‘And you can’t afford to have Rita find out he’s been here. Fuel to the fire, you know how we work, you know whoever she’s hired will take one look at this situation and use it as proof that you wanted him to yourself, no wife, no kids, just a man who was more than willing to leave his family behind the moment you asked.’ She sighed deeply as you crumbled to the steps, your leg spreading over the small two leading to your sidewalk as you ran your hands through your hair. ‘I know you had good intentions, but this has gotten way out of hand, and if you really want to help him then you’ll keep your distance until this is over. Whether he really is just a friend or if you’re in love with him, you know there’s a good chance you might have to stand up there in front of everyone and explain all of this if her lawyer demands to call on you as proof, and the more deniability you both have to her claims the better, alright?’

‘Alright,’ you repeated, and she left you a moment to grab a box of something from her car to make it seem like you weren’t out there to talk. You stood as she returned, getting the door for her since her hands were now full, and he was none the wiser as you sat again and started going over all the listings he’d bookmarked since he’d been kicked out.

Gwen ended up staying for much longer than expected as you went on a tour of his listings, his insistence that you come along the only reason you weren’t secretly forced to stay home. He’d found both a mix of decently large apartments and smaller houses, nothing near as grand as his old one, but each was affordable, cozy, and in range of both his kids’ school and his work. In the end he was able to make a successful offer on a one-story house similar to yours, and the price was lower due to it needing a bit of work, but it had three bedrooms, two for Deni and Shaun while Annie would sleep in his, a yard big enough to house a pool that just needed to be cleaned and refilled, and a living room big enough for everyone to have more fun movie nights.

It was a dream home, but the work had daunted all the other potential buyers, and he was more than ready to take on the challenge and fix it up himself if need be to distract himself from the upcoming hearing. You wished you could help him with it, but between work and needing to stay as far away from that home as possible you could only cheer him on from afar as he signed the paperwork that day and worked out a payment plan now that Gwen was there to represent him.

‘This is amazing, Deni will want this room because I know Shaun will have claimed this one, the kitchen needs some work but a new stove and some fresh paint will open the space right up, and this living room! If we keep the couches against the wall then everyone will be able to spread out again, maybe I’ll be able to get that sectional I wanted this time, that way there’ll be room for everyone without the need of a loveseat, but of course I need to fix that wall first; good thing this place is so small, I might be able to knock it out in a weekend- hey, you alright?’ You were snapped out of your thoughts as he leaned down a bit to look you in the eye, his ramblings about his new place coming to a halt when he noticed your expression. ‘You’ve been staring at the closet for about five minutes, I’m pretty sure there’s no monsters in it.’

You weakly laughed, stuck between being happy to see this side of him again and knowing that you wouldn’t be able to help with a single thing, it would just be him here, alone. ‘I’m alright, just thinking, I guess,’ you admitted as Gwen talked to the realtor in the kitchen, a space cleared off for more papers to be signed as they discussed ownership and payment. ‘Things are gunna be busy for me, for a while. Once the power and water get turned back on and you can move in I don’t think we’ll be able to see each other for a while.’

‘That’s okay, we can always see each other on Thursdays,’ he joked, but that only made this sting all the more as the darkness in the closet grew. ‘I really am thankful for all your help so far, but I’ll be alright while I do this; if fixing up an entire house will prove to them that I’m serious about wanting to see my kids more than a few times a year then I’ll do it, I used to be a bit of a handyman before I got my big, important office job, y’know.’ You laughed again, you didn’t doubt it after his emergency help when he backed up your sink and then had to fix it before the water spread to the living room.

‘I just wish I could help you, chores are always better with company, remember?’ you reminded him as you met his eye, and when he smiled and pulled you into a hug you felt Gwen’s eyes on you as you held him back.

‘I know, but if you’ve gotta work it can’t be helped, I can man a broom and mop on my own, just need to get a radio in here and maybe it’ll feel a little more lively.’

‘You can get spotify on your phone, then you won’t need to get a radio,’ you suggested, and when he pulled away he looked confused.

‘What’s that? I’ve heard Deni mention it before but I never figured it out, R- her mother was always better with technology,’ he frowned in confusion, and you laughed again before pulling out your phone and getting him to do the same.

Gwen dropped you both off less than an hour later, someone coming to the house within the week to get the power back on after the last storm knocked it out, and with no one living there no one had bothered to get it fixed again. The water had also been turned off as well as the heat just to save money, and as soon as it all was in working order again he was free to sweep out the master bedroom and move right in, the rest was up to him. You hadn’t been able to resist his request to go shopping with him for a new bed, he was always bad with those kinds of things and ended up regretting his choice as soon as he got home, so a second opinion was very much needed despite Gwen silently warning you not to.

‘I’d love to, the sooner that’s sorted the sooner you don’t have to sleep on the floor,’ you agreed, and you silently apologized to her as she let out a sigh. ‘You’re on your own with everything else though, and you’re not stealing my broom to clean up that mess, I’d much rather throw it out than let it back into my house.’

‘I’ll get two, one to keep and one to throw,’ he decided from the backseat, his phone out again as he started adding things to his cart despite not even being moved yet; he was ready to have the place livable so his kids could visit even before the hearing, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him it’d still have to be a while if Rita denied him visitation. It'd been so long already since you'd seen him so energetic, and it made you smile even though he'd have to do this next part alone; it'd be hard but he'd lived through that first month on his own, so he'd be able to do it again in his own space if he had the hope that it'd be full again urging him on, you knew he could.

You both waved goodbye as she drove away, and you couldn't help but join in his celebration as he ran out to grab dinner from his favourite place as well as some alcohol, neither of you had drank since he moved in after he hit the bottle too hard in that lonely hotel room. You had your own personal movie night as you finally got to show him the one you brought but had never gotten to watch, and sure enough he wasn't a fan of horror as he cowered almost dramatically on his end of the couch while you laughed and told him to watch the part coming up, it would be good, you promised.

You didn't get to bed until late again, you couldn't exactly sleep when he was sitting where your feet should be, but you knew you wouldn't be getting comfortable once the TV turned off and he shot you another nervous glance. He didn't even have to say it, he needed someone there more than ever with his upcoming lonely nights waiting for him, and this time you didn't kiss him as you both got into bed and fell asleep easier than you ever had before. 

The house was ready for him sooner rather than later, the text that he was good to go actually arriving as you were out shopping for a bed. He was indecisive as hell, trying out every mattress to make sure it was good for his back, and even when he found one that was comfortable he tended to pass on it just in case something even better was on display. He was laying down on what felt like his millionth mattress when he got the text, his eyes opening wide as he sat up only to flinch as his back did indeed twinge.

‘The water’s on, why don't we go over now, start cleaning up?’ he suggested excitedly, and your smile fell as you thought about how you shouldn't even be doing this much.

‘I don't know, shouldn’t we stay and get a bed if you can move in asap?’ you tried to defer, and he gave the one he was on a little bounce before getting up.

‘I'll take this one, it can stay on the floor until I get a frame, let's hurry up and go!’ While you were glad to have this nightmare end, it only caused the second one to start as he flagged down an employee and got the price, a frame ending up catching his eye on the way now that his big dilemma was solved. He bought both and together with two employees you stuffed it all into his car, the mattress thankfully crammed into a box to his amazement and saving him a ton of space. 

He also bought all the things he'd need to clean, his new broom and mop laying across the seat with a bag full of supplies and towels. You pretended to not feel the entire weight of them on your shoulders all the way to his new home, the spare keys already picked up from under the rock by the door and in his pocket before you could exit the car.

He threw open the door and rushed back to get the broom, you in charge of the mop by default as he began to sweep with all the enthusiasm of a cartoon princess, and it only made you fall harder until his actions caught up with him and he needed to sweep himself a small circle so he could sit down. You shook your head and took over for him, all the windows thrown up and the patio door open wide to air the place out until he was ready to help again, Lester now confined to cleaning off the counters while you handled the floor. The playlist you’d made on your phone followed you around as you did each room, his own playing even more favourites in the kitchen and then bathroom as he worked, his fight with spotify now rectified and used in his favour, music already filling the home as you tossed out bag after bag of garbage until it was time to mop.

He had the bucket already full for you when you went for it, the counters all cleaned and the bath/shower combo getting the attention it very much deserved next. It was a lot faster to wash the floors, and even though you knew they'd only get dirty again as the walls were patched up and painted eventually, it was still nice to stand in the living room and take everything in when you both were done. You dumped the dirty water down the drain and carried the bags to the road to be collected, Lester's single one joining yours when he was done scrubbing, and together you sat on the floor and decided if it'd be cheaper to patch everything up yourselves or hire someone to do it before he started moving his stuff in. 

In the end he called someone out on the patio while  you looked up weed wackers on your phone, the yard needing just as much attention; the pool would come last, it was already heading into fall after all so it'd just be covered up again before long, but it could at least be inspected and cleaned for next year once everything else was done. You ordered one for him so you could both fight over it versus the lawnmower when you found a way to bring it over, that was another expense that could wait til later, and you didn't realize you were smiling again until he walked back in and collapsed much too hard next to you. 

‘He can come tomorrow, someone canceled on him today so we lucked out,’ he informed you as he rubbed his sore butt from the fall, and you almost didn't catch it until your brain replayed what he'd said.

‘You lucked out, you mean,’ you corrected, and he winced at you as he stretched his long legs out in front of him

‘What?’

‘You said we lucked out, but you did, I'm not the one who lives here,’ you repeated, and he laughed a little as he brushed his bangs out of his eyes, his forehead shining from the sweat he'd been working up the past few hours. 

‘Oh yeah, I think I forgot that part,’ he chuckled softly, and the air changed a little as your forced humour turned to something just as soft. ‘You've been doing so much, I think I forgot… that you're not coming with me, when this is over, it just feels like you've always been here already.’ You couldn't speak, your heart pounding as he interpreted your expression as something negative. ‘Sorry, didn't mean to put you on the spot like that again-!’

‘No, you didn't, it’s just that… I just realized that I think I started moving in my stuff in my mind as I was cleaning,’ you admitted nervously, and he laughed a little more easily again as the summer breeze drifted in and filled the house with the smells of barbecues and fresh cut grass. ‘I mean, I don't need two couches all that much, you know I'm too busy to host movie nights, so if you wanted one you could have it…’

‘You sure? I really was looking forward to that sectional,’ he joked with a soft jab to your arm, which you returned with a blush.

‘I can always take it back when you find your dream couch, it'd give me an excuse to see how the place turned out.’

‘You won't visit before then?’ 

You found yourself lost for words, of course you'd visit when this was over and cleared up, but it was the way he'd said it, like he was worried it'd take a couch in order to get you back there. ‘Of course, you think I'm gunna miss out on your first movie night in your new place?’ you said as your voice clearly shook, but he didn't mention it as he laid back and stretched out his back over the hardwood. 

‘Good, I'll make extra dip that night so you can bring some home, as thanks,’ he already planned ahead, his eyes closed and unable to see the way you let your face crumble at the thought of having to leave again after all of this.

‘Well if that doesn't give me more incentive to lend it to you.’ You stood up, brushing off your pants and cracking your back before offering your hand to him. ‘Alright, that's enough sitting around, might as well get that frame built before it gets too late.’

‘Empty house with just a bed, someone might think I'm squatting,’ he snickered as you helped him stand, and when his torso hit your chest you didn't back away immediately.

‘Nonsense, there's some towels in the bathroom too,’ you said with a wink as you headed for the car, the two of you managing to haul the frame in yourself thanks to some determination and spare cardboard underneath the end dragging on the ground so his floors wouldn't get scratched.

You didn't get home until late, even more takeout bought just because you were too tired and achy to stand around and cook, absolutely not. He wasn't that happy about all the unhealthy eating he'd been doing lately so he ended up ordering a small vegetarian pizza while you secretly planned ahead and ordered a large deluxe with some chicken wings, his favourite sauce also picked out when he wasn't looking. The smell filled the car all the way home, and sure enough he didn't last long with the vegetarian when he caught sight of the deluxe taking up half the coffee table.

‘You're terrible, you know I'm trying to eat better,’ he grumbled as he reached for a slice, and you swatted at his hand before grabbing a second for yourself.

‘This is my dinner for the next three days, if you wanted this you should've asked for one,’ you said nonchalantly as you took a big, dramatic bite, Lester eyeing it before you could only take pity on him and move the box a little closer. He split his pizza with you as he picked off the toppings he didn't like to create the perfect combo of both, and you pretended you absolutely didn't grab his favorite sauce on purpose when he also gave in and stole some wings. 

You could get used to this, you really could as he moved to your couch to be closer to the pizza; he was closer to you than usual, even more than normal couch sharing standards, and you tried to keep your eyes on the screen as you reached for another slice. Your hand hit his as he grabbed another wing, both foods dropped as you apologized and looked at each other, but when his gaze lingered longer than usual, just like the closing space between you, you found yourself doing anything but looking away from his mouth. He was smiling at you, that kind, gentle smile you'd fallen in love with at Walkers all those months ago, and even though you knew he didn't need this, knew that this would only make things worse, you couldn't stop yourself when he closed his eyes and waited.

You jumped when your phone suddenly buzzed, Lester sitting back and putting some space between you again when you saw that it was Gwen on the caller ID. ‘I'm sorry, I gotta take this,’ you mumbled as he cleared his throat and went back to eating, your face hot and your frown deep as you locked yourself in your bedroom. ‘Hey, sorry, we're watching a movie,’ you said the moment she picked up, but she didn't seem to catch your tone when the sound of shuffling came through the speaker. 

‘That's fine, how's the house coming?’

‘It's all ready for him, w- he got it cleaned up today.’

‘...Were you there with him?’ She asked like she already knew, and you couldn't lie to her when the stakes were so high.

‘We were already in town to shop for a bed, we decided to go after he found one, get started on the cleanup right away,’ you explained, and her sigh was all the answer you needed. ‘I know, but you saw the place, it would've taken him forever to-’

‘That's not your concern, not right now. When is he moving in?’ she interrupted, and you looked at the closed door as the movie continued on the other side.

‘Soon, the fridge is busted and he needs a dresser along with food, we can d-’

‘He can do that, no more shopping together, no getting groceries together, tell him no the next time he asks. Now that we know it's you who's to say someone won't be able to stand up there and say they saw you arrive and leave together, while acting like a couple the entire time upon further reflection? You're smart, please don't make another stupid mistake like this again, for his sake.’ She fell silent as she let the words sink in, and you looked at his suitcases, left open while his clothes were stacked on your dresser to be a little neater, how he'd need to pack them up again within the week at this rate.

‘I won't, I'll tell him I have a case coming up so I'll be scarce, he'll be able to do the rest over the weekend,’ you decided solemnly, and she agreed with that before changing the subject.

‘I've been told that the hearing has been scheduled for two weeks from now, when the children are back in school, Rita apparently requested that they not be present, and yes, before you say anything, it'll probably be because they'll not only vouch for him, but also because they don't need to see their parents arguing to that degree,’ she sighed heavily, and you quickly entered the date into your phone before you realized that you would only be there as a witness, you had two weeks to tell him the truth before he found it out from her unless you preferred to lie to his face some more about your feelings.

‘I'll let him know, and he'll be moved by next week, he'll want to be at the thought of them visiting.’ She liked the sound of that and hung up, and you banged your forehead dully off the door before opening it up and finding him on the other side.

‘Sorry, you were taking so long, I wanted to make sure everything was okay,’ he said, and he either didn't hear the bump or was choosing to ignore it even though your forehead slightly throbbed.

‘That was Gwen, actually, the hearing is in two weeks, while Deni and Shaun should be in school,’ you informed him, and his smile grew so wide it made your heart break.

‘So we'll be able to get custody then?’ he asked excitedly, and you shook your head and took in a deep breath.

‘It all depends on how things turn out, if the judge is split then another one might be needed now that we know she might use your anger in her favour even though she was the one to hit you,’ you continued, and just the thought of this not working out was enough to bring him down again. ‘I know it seems bleak, but Les, I know that-’

‘What did you call me?’

‘Did I c-?’

‘Les, you said Les, don't call me that,’ he suddenly said as he stood to his full height, and you flubbed your apology enough times to make him sink down again. ‘Sorry, that's what Rita used to call me, I don't want to hear that name from you,’ he muttered, and before you could say anything else he headed back for the door. ‘I've got work tomorrow, I'll take the couch tonight, I'm too tired to drive all the way home.’

‘You'd leave just for that?’ you blurted out, your body moving on its own to block the doorway before you even knew what you were doing; he didn’t push you aside or get angry, but he did walk past until you had no choice but to let him through, your dinner forgotten on the table as you shut the door again the moment he sat down without saying anything more.

You kept your distance from each other the next day, him by leaving for work early, and then you by staying at work late. You left him a text saying you had your own big case coming up just as planned, but for once he didn’t reply other than to say he would be shopping so it’d be best if you found your own dinner. You ate at your desk as the sun set outside, nothing but old work you needed to sort through and properly file away on your docket as you nibbled away at cold pizza.

Once it hit the AMs you figured it was safe to go home, no matter where he slept you’d be able to avoid him if need be now that there was something off between you, and if you didn’t lay down somewhere and fast you were bound to either sleep at your desk or in your car. The drive home felt like an eternity but finally you made it, the house quiet and telling you that he was indeed asleep. You opened the door as quietly as you could, all the lights off as you traversed the long trek to your couch when you didn’t see him on it; you were about to lay down when you saw the paper on the coffee table, the words completely unintelligible in the dim light. You held it up to your face until it came into focus, your eyes taking it in several times before you dropped it and rushed to your bedroom.

You threw open the door to find the room empty, his suitcases packed and your bed made, no Lester in sight. You went back to the note and read it again with the lights on, your face contorting in misery as you sank into the cushions. It said that he’d grabbed the last of his needed furniture that trip, so there was no need for him to steal your bed or couch for another night. He thanked you for your help, and he’d pay you back for everything else at the end of the month, and there was no goodbye, just his name at the bottom. You woke up your phone to see if he’d left you any texts or voicemails but there was nothing, he’d gone shopping and then that was it.

This was for the best, you were never meant to go with him and he was never meant to stay, now he could focus on his family again without you there to distract him. You’d helped as much as he could and now he could take care of the rest by himself, he was a grown man, he needed you as a friend, not a roommate, not a partner, definitely not as a lover, everything could move forward again now. 

‘At least I can come home tomorrow,’ you figured aloud as you turned the light back off, your shoes and coat left in the middle of the living room as you shed each. ‘I can make my own dinners again, sleep in my own bed, everything is back to normal.’ You shut your bedroom door and locked it, no need to keep it open when there was no one to walk in, your bed looking a little too made as you yanked the comforter free and sent the pillows flying. ‘No more suitcases on my floor that’ll make me trip in the middle of the night, and no more ties getting stuck in my dryer because he doesn’t know how to do fucking laundry.’

You picked up your pillows and threw them back into place, your face betraying you as you attempted to force a smile and only ended up accelerating the misery. You angrily wiped at your eyes before climbing into bed, your position changing from your left side as you faced the empty space beside you, to your right where you wouldn’t eventually feel his arm wrap around your waist, to your back as you stared up at the ceiling. You blinked and more tears fell but you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he did this to you after everything you’d done for him, your hands wet as you repeatedly tried to dry your eyes.

‘Couldn’t even say goodbye to me before you left, you bastard,’ you swore to the ceiling, the space beside you feeling bigger and bigger until you felt encompassed by it. ‘You said I was the only one who didn’t leave you, why’d you throw me away, wh- no. He’s the one who left, and he didn’t even leave, he went home. That was never here, I knew this was coming, I knew…’ Your words echoed off the walls above you, reminding you even more that you were alone, and that across town he was feeling the same, and would feel the same until he was able to have his custody confirmed.

This wasn't about you, or what you’d done for him, or your feelings. This was about him, his marriage ending, and his upcoming battle for his children. That’s what it’d always been about, you’d just forgotten between him admitting that he’d almost wanted you to move in with him and you nearly kissing him again on the couch.

You rolled onto your stomach and shut your eyes tight as you tried not to remember it, that had to have been why he’d left, you’d told him you had no feelings for him and yet you’d still leaned in of your own volition that second time. He’d seen right through you, and then you’d proceeded to call him by the nickname his wife used, how many more ways could you have fucked this up? You didn’t scream into your pillow, you were too old for that now, but you might’ve raised your voice into it a little as you curled up and felt just how cold the bed was without him.

You changed your grocery day to Monday so there was no chance of running into him again, you needed to give him space after such a big mistake, but you knew you couldn’t keep it up as soon as you stepped foot into the store and knew that he wouldn’t be waiting for you both inside and at home. You promptly walked back out and found another, their stock not as good and their prices a bit higher, but this would have to become your new regular. It was at least a bit closer to home, and still very far from his house, so even if he had the same idea there’d still be no risk of him finding you here on a Monday.

You missed your Caramel Pecan as you unpacked your food, this place not having its own dessert counter since it focused mainly on brands, nothing fresh made in-store, and you definitely felt the dent in your wallet as you found yourself with barely enough to restock after the missed week of not wanting to see him again and just not getting yourself any new food. You wondered if maybe you might need to cut back to two or less trips a month with this new place, honestly you’d only started going every week in order to see him in the first place, he’d always gone through food faster since he was buying for four, maybe this would be less painful on your finances going forward.

This really would be for the best to get back to normal you decided as you made yourself something for dinner, and when you sat down in front of the TV to enjoy it you ignored all the commercials about back to school sales.

You were at work when you got the reminder for the hearing, it going off in the middle of a meeting and forcing you to remember that you’d completely forgotten to silence your phone before entering the room. Your expression went from embarrassment to concerned sadness at the popup, your boss asking if you were done as you just stared at your screen.

‘Uh, yeah, sorry about that,’ you apologized as you turned it off and got back to listening, your hand on your pocket for the entire rest of the meeting.

As soon as it was done you headed for the privacy of your office and shut the door, Gwen already dialed the moment it clicked into place. She didn’t pick up right away, she was probably busy, but the moment she did she was quick to tell you it wasn't a good time.

‘I don’t care, I need to be there tomorrow,’ you said as fast as you could, your knees giving out at the realization that you’d actually planned on saying you wouldn’t come, that you couldn’t, that you’d just be a liability. The words had fallen from you faster than you could think, and you put her on speaker and collapsed into your chair when you nearly dropped your phone. ‘I tried, I really did, but I need to know how this ends.’

‘I really can’t talk about this right now-’

‘But I need to! I’ve been trying not to think about it, just get back to normal, but every time I imagine him out there in front of everyone I just- he said everyone else left, I don’t want him to be alone tomorrow, I can’t do that to him, Gwen, I just can’t.’ Your face fell into your hand, your shoulders hunched as you gripped your chair and tried not to let everyone see outside your door how much this one person and his troubles were affecting you, and she sighed before speaking again.

‘And if tomorrow ends up like we discussed?’

‘Then I’ll deal with that too, with or without him.’ You heard another sigh, but even if she were to have you banned from the building somehow you knew you’d find your way into this, no matter if Rita had you called up there as her main proof or not.

‘Fine, I’m not your mother, but be prepared for anything,’ she warned before hanging up, she really didn’t have time for more, and you didn’t call back again as you gave yourself a minute to just breathe. She was right, you really needed to be prepared, and you were; as a lawyer you always went to the worst possible solution and planned ahead to avoid that, and that had treated you well in both your career and life until you’d met him. Before then, you never would’ve stayed the moment Rita gave you that look. You wouldn’t have gone back for movie night, and you certainly wouldn’t have invited him over.

But there was something about him that kept disarming you, that brought your guard down and made you believe that nothing bad would happen if you just went with his flow, and now look where you’d made him end up. You wouldn’t do that tomorrow, in fact you’d be the most You you’d been in months for him in order to make sure this went as smoothly as possible. You wouldn’t react with or to him at all, or anything concerning him as you sat on his side of the court. You wouldn’t speak out of turn no matter what she said, and you definitely wouldn’t speak to him.

And if they did indeed find it necessary to call in witnesses to prove their statements, then you would swallow down your feelings as deep as they would go and prove to everyone that you really were just his friend and that she was wrong, because that was the truth.

You couldn’t concentrate after that, needing to call in early to head home and prepare, and you spent the entire rest of the day picking out your outfit for tomorrow, setting way too many alarms, and preparing a king’s feast of food to bring to his house no matter the outcome; you knew it wouldn’t help, but if it went in her favour then you knew he’d spiral again, lose all hope for the future, and you would not let him do that alone. You packed it all into a bunch of tupperware you rarely used outside of work lunches and stuffed it into the fridge, and by the time that, a change of outfit just in case, and a shower were finally over you ended up tired and ready for bed.

You set one more alarm and placed your phone on your nightstand before attempting to sleep, your eyelids heavy but refusing to stay closed as you went over everything a hundred more times. Your mind was fully racing in the dark and quiet when your phone buzzed and lit you up, and you considered ignoring it before accepting that maybe a little eye strain might work in your favour. You grabbed it and tapped the screen to check the notification, all the tired leaving your body when you saw what was waiting for you.

Lester Billings says: I miss you

You swallowed as you rolled onto your stomach, your phone taking up your pillow as you propped yourself up on your elbows. ‘It’s been lonely here, I won’t lie,’ you said aloud as you typed, and you almost deleted it before pressing send. Three dots bounced at the bottom of the message as he typed back, your back aching from the angle but you refused to move as the next words popped up.

I haven’t been able to sleep since I got here This mattress isn’t very comfortable

You let out a small laugh, your eyes already starting to cloud as you rested your chin on the end of the pillow before your hands. ‘I knew you picked too soon, you should’ve tried out more.’

I should’ve gotten your opinion Your bed is comfier

You shut your eyes tight and buried your face in the pillow a moment, another ping making you look up again when the pillow started to wetten.

Will you be there tomorrow

‘Yes,’ you answered immediately, your back still aching as you readjusted and typed as fast as you could, ‘if you want me to be, I wasn't sure after you left so suddenly.’ You sent it before you could even think to type something else, your eyes widening in fear at this confession, and when more dots bounced you closed your eyes so you wouldn’t see his answer. Your phone buzzed but you waited for as long as you could before opening them again, a small noise leaving you as you read.

I thought you wanted me to go

‘What? No,’ you told your phone, and you sat up to call him only for him to decline it. ‘I never wanted you to go, I’m sorry if I rushed you,’ you hurriedly sent, and there was a bit of a pause before his next reply.

You told Gwen you’d lie to me Said I’d be out by the end of the week I thought you didn’t want me there

You tried again to call him but he again declined, and you were in the middle of typing out the explanation when he messaged you again first.

I can’t sleep I want to see you Can you come over Yes.

You didn’t even change out of your pajamas as you kicked off the blankets and hurried for the door, your car started by the time you slipped into the one pair of sandals that you owned but never wore. You almost forgot to lock up you were in such a hurry, the streets thankfully almost empty as you fought not to speed to him. The lights were all off and his car was in the driveway, the yard now cleaned up while he was there since you guessed he also needed the distraction. Your hand was raised to knock when the door opened, and there he stood, in pajama pants and an undershirt, his hair a mess and bags under his eyes as he looked down at you.

‘Lester, I-’ you began before he pulled you into a tight hug, and you had no one to hide from as you nuzzled into his shoulder and held him just as tightly back. He led you inside, the door locked behind you, you weren’t going home, and you tossed your keys onto the kitchen counter just out of reach before following him to the bedroom. He’d bought himself a dresser in your absence, all of his clothes tucked neatly inside so his suitcases could finally be retired, and his bed looked big and lonely and not as comfortable as it did when you’d helped him set it up.

‘It’s not as comfortable as yours,’ he repeated quietly, his first words to you since he’d slept on your couch that final time, and you grabbed his hand and gently pulled him towards it.

‘Let me get that second opinion, then,’ you whispered, and when you kneeled onto the mattress you sank right down. You laid to his right, the two of you on your backs with space between as you stared at the ceiling, the comforter trapper underneath you but also unneeded in the summer heat, his AC must also not be working that well. You noticed he had his window open to let in the breeze, and you breathed deep when the wind blew the curtains open a little more. ‘It’s not that bad,’ you finally decided, and he turned to look at you before rolling onto his side.

‘Why did you want me to go?’ he asked without wasting another second, and you shut your eyes before rolling to face him.

‘I never did, it was Gwen, she was worried someone might think that I- that we…’

‘That you were the one Rita was worried about, I get it,’ he realized, but he didn’t look very relieved. ‘I had a feeling, but I wish you’d have told me, I really thought that you were… leaving me too.’

‘I was supposed to keep my distance from you, that was her legal advice, for me to not be seen with you and make anyone think we were together,’ you admitted now that you could, and again he looked like he understood but that that didn’t help it hurt any less. ‘But hanging out with you, going shopping and then cleaning this place up, I didn’t know how to stay away, and I knew if I couldn’t pull this off then it’d only hurt you in the end.’

‘To tell you the truth, I’d have rather been kicked out for that than spend the past two weeks thinking no one wanted me in their life anymore.’ His voice was low, and he was mostly in shadow, but you could still see him crying as he closed his eyes, and when you touched his cheek to wipe the tears away he held your hand in place. ‘I haven’t been alone since Rita and I moved in together, and even before then I always had my family or my roommates; I don’t know how to do this on my own…’

‘You’re not, I’m here, I’ll always be here, because that’s what friends are for,’ you murmured as you brushed your thumb over his cheek to collect the next tear before it hit his nose, and he choked out a small laugh before holding you hand to his chest.

‘I love you,’ he told you then, and you were just about to say it back when he continued. ‘You might be the best friend I’ve ever had, maybe even better than Rita was to me, I’m so glad I met you.’

‘Y-yeah, I’m glad too.’ You were never supposed to be in this part of his life. You were the reason this was happening. He would never feel the same. ‘Do you think you’re ready to get some sleep, now? Big day tomorrow, after all.’

‘I can try, now that you’re here,’ he smiled before getting up to pull the comforter free, and you masked your pain with a smile of your own as you laid back against his chest, his arm around your waist and his soft snores telling you it’d worked again not too long after. You wiped away your tears before placing your hand over his, the cicadas crying outside for you as you also drifted off with the breeze.

Your many alarms came in handy, the first failing to wake either of you in your exhaustion. It was the third that worked since they were so close together, this one making you crack open an eye to check the time instead of just to find the device and shut it up. Your heart raced as the adrenaline woke you fully, and his arm was still around you as you tried to sit and get him up. Seeing him there, still sleeping so peacefully gave you pause however, you’d really missed this sight, but it wasn't yours to keep, he’d sleep better when his kids were able to visit, this was the last time.

You swallowed it down and gave him a shake, Lester startling awake and blinking around in confusion, but when he saw you there, looking down at him with the sunlight streaming in and the wind pushing aside the curtains to cool the room a little more, he actually looked like he… 

He didn’t, he couldn’t, he’d said so already, and you held up your phone so he could see the time. ‘I’ve gotta head back and get ready, today’s the day,’ you whispered as his loving smile faded, and it was replaced with a serious expression as he nodded and sprung into action. He also had his outfit prepared, one of his nicer suits for work, the one he’d been wearing when you first met him you realized as he held it up and transferred it from his closet to the end of his bed while he picked out a tie.

‘You should’ve brought your clothes, we could’ve gone in together,’ he said as he looked between the red and the blue patterned ties he was torn between, and you froze as you straightened your shirt before another smile was forced.

‘I’m supposed to not add any fuel to the fire, that would’ve set everything ablaze,’ you chuckled a bit sadly, and he gave you a small look before holding the red up to his chest to look at in his dresser mirror.

‘I don’t care anymore, she can think what she wants, I don’t see her standing here with me. Which one do you like better? I can’t decide and I’ll end up without one if you leave.’ He held both up for you to see, and you decided on the blue after imagining it along with his suit. ‘Thank you, I was thinking the same but I wasn't sure.’

He set it down with his suit and moved onto some socks and other things to pull on after his shower, so you took that as your cue to leave as you slipped past him and headed for the door. Now that it was bright out you could see that he’d really only gotten the dresser and a new fridge, the old stove still in place and everything else unnecessary and just cutting into his finances for now, and you couldn’t help but think that your second couch would fit perfectly in the space against the wall leading to the bedrooms. You located your keys and stepped back into your sandals before opening the door to leave, and you were just about to walk through the threshold when his hands found you again.

They both slipped around your waist, holding you in place and keeping you there with him for just a moment longer, and you spun in his arms in order to hug him back when he surprised you with a kiss to your forehead. It was the first kiss he’d initiated, a show of thanks for coming over and clearing the air, and while it was still platonic as needed it made you wish you could have more all the same, your hands finding his chest, then his shoulders before you pulled him into his hug.

‘I’ll see you there, I wouldn’t miss this for the world,’ you whispered against his chest, and his right hand found the back of your neck before he let you go.

‘See you there,’ he repeated back to you, and then you were leaving, the shape of him on the other side of the glass blurry as he watched you go until your car was pulling out of his driveway.

You hurried home, no time to waste this morning, and you left your car idle and unlocked as you ran inside and had the quickest shower known to man. You got dressed even faster, you didn’t need to be there for hours but you couldn’t stay in your home knowing this was coming, the plan to have some breakfast and coffee at the shop just down the street from the courthouse. You went to check your phone to see if Gwen had said anything when you remembered you’d left it in your car, and you were thankful you lived where you did as it hit you that you almost handed your entire car to potential thieves.

It wouldn’t have mattered, you’d have found a way over regardless, and you hopped back into the seat and headed over for that breakfast before your body decided that you were much too nervous to eat. Parking was thankfully available despite the location thanks to the early hour, and you tossed a bunch of change into the meter before walking in and finding yourself a seat by the window. It was a quaint little place, you knew of it but had never been in before, and it was decently busy with what had to be its regulars as they all chatted and filled the room with light conversation.

‘Can I start you off with a coffee this morning?’ a young man in his what had to be his late 20s asked not too long after you sat down, and you stared at the menu he offered before taking it and ordering your usual blend. ‘We’re doing a special today, couples get their second breakfast half off if there’s anyone else joining you today?’

‘No, I’m not waiting for anyone, thank you,’ you murmured even as you glanced out the window like you were, just to watch for when he’d arrive, and your server nodded and didn’t even miss a beat.

‘Guess I don’t need to tell you that groups get their own discount, then,’ he attempted to joke, and you glanced up at him and his sweet grin that relaxed you enough to smile genuinely back.

‘No, I guess you don’t,’ you answered before finally going to the menu, and you ordered yourself a light breakfast to ease your hungry but also very worried stomach while you waited. He wrote it down, took the menu back, and headed for the kitchen to drop it off, your eyes catching sight of his haircut pulled back into a small ponytail before he disappeared from sight. You went back to your window as you waited for your coffee, and it’d just been placed in front of you when the bell above the door jingled and alerted him to the new person he’d have to talk to.

To your surprise they sat down across from you, and you looked up to see that it was Rita. Your entire body tensed as you failed not to glare, and he looked between the two of you before asking if you knew each other.

‘Not particularly,’ you said through gritted teeth, but she wasn't fazed by your new anger as she just ordered a mint tea and black coffee to go along with two bagels, one raisin with butter and one everything with cream cheese, obvious breakfast for her and whoever she hired to take Lester’s kids from him. You wished you could secretly tell your server to spit in her tea before you calmed and collected yourself, you were an adult, not a child as he walked away to grab everything for her, and she remained across from you as she folded her hands over the table.

‘I assume I don’t need to ask why you’re so close to the courthouse this morning,’ she remarked as she also looked out the window, and you shook your head slowly as you continued your fight to not add more fuel to the fire. ‘Is he meeting you here?’

‘No, I came in to have breakfast alone,’ you replied levelly, you wouldn’t give in to her provoking now that you both knew what she thought of you.

‘No time to do it at home?’ She was probing you to make you slip, probably to bring this back to her lawyer as just a little extra last minute kindling, and you shook your head and sipped at your coffee. ‘I heard he was able to find a place already, does he really think that I’ll let him see our children after this?’ Stay calm, you still had yet to confirm anything about her theories, just ignore her. ‘Because I won’t, not after what he did. I brought a picture of our wall to show the judge today, if such a sweet man can do that to the wall then how long will it be before he’s hurting my children?’

‘Tha-’ You cut yourself off so fast you nearly spilt your coffee, your hands grasped so hard around the cup that it was burning your palms, and you didn’t miss her expression as she smugly got out her buzzing phone.

‘Right on time,’ she said as she stood, your server waiting for her at the counter as he popped the lids onto her drinks. ‘I’ll see you inside, I’m sure the judge will be thrilled that you didn’t hide from this.’

‘I’m not hiding from anything,’ you snapped before you could stop, your eyes only on her as she stopped and looked back at you.

‘Good, that’ll make things so much easier.’

You didn’t look at her as she picked up her food and walked out, your burning hands pressed to the cold wood to cool them down as you glared at your cup, your shoulders so tense that the pain traveling up your neck was about to give you a headache. You didn’t move apart from finding new cold places on the table until your breakfast arrived, but you felt even less hungry than before despite your server’s wishes to enjoy. It took you until your eggs had stopped steaming before you attempted to eat, but every thought went back to her and how she was probably telling her lawyer all about your eventual appearance before them all. 

As such you ate slow, the time ticking away as the roads filled out and the sun rose higher; people flooded the streets and avoided your gaze as you searched for a familiar navy car, and the only thing that made you snap out of your search was your phone reminding you that your meter was about to run out. ‘Shit, I’ll be right back, need to put more money in,’ you told your server as he went to pass, and you left your phone on the table as collateral after pointing out your car through the window. You raced out, barely avoiding two old ladies currently walking by, and fished for more change when you felt a hand on your shoulder.

‘Looks like we’re early,’ Lester said behind you, and when you turned you saw Gwen beside him, her face very stern at the fact that he was already standing too close to you. ‘You just finish?’

‘I’ve still got half a plate, just needed to refill this,’ you let him know as you loaded up the meter as high as it would go, and he smiled warmly at you as you led him inside. Your server looked between you all and you asked for two more menus after thanking him for his patience, and just as you made room for him to sit beside you you found Gwen sliding into the space instead. He sat across from you, right where Rita had been not an hour earlier, and he looked nervous but also calm as he opened the menu and started choosing. ‘Looks like you can give us that breakfast talk now,’ you joked at your server, and he readied his notepad as he recalled the deal.

‘Since you haven’t paid yet I’ll count this as a group, but since families and friends have been stopping in together leading up to the start of school we have a deal going on, groups of three and up get a 20% discount off their total, and a 30% discount if you order the Back to School Special,’ he explained, Gwen clearly not listening but Lester paying attention fully as he set the menu down.

‘What’s that?’

‘It used to just be for kids, but everyone started ordering it, so- excuse me, it includes three meats, three eggs, home fries, toast, and a free glass of juice or milk, everything a growing kid needs before a busy day at school,’ he told him, and Lester smiled wide and asked for just that, his drink of choice orange juice since lactose tended to upset him in large amounts and he was feeling sick enough already. It was too much information and it made you smile fondly as your server let out a laugh he then quickly stifled as he took his menu back.

‘I’ll just have the coffee and brown sugar oatmeal, thanks,’ Gwen said as she handed her own menu back, the folder she’d been holding now open and taking up the available space the moment he left you. ‘I figured out who her lawyer is when we parked, I’d know that car anywhere, belongs to a scrappy kid who’s been known to hire people to help him get dirt on his opposition,’ she told you as she flipped to a page he needed to fill out while they had time, one final thing to prove that he had a suitable house and a steady income now that both things were true. 

‘Should we be worried about him then?’ you asked as he signed, and she bit her thumbnail as she frowned at the table, the most emotion she’d shown over this case other than the realization that you were the assumed lover.

‘I’m not sure, you haven’t spent any more time together lately, have you?’ she hissed under her breath, and you pictured yourself going to his house but recalling that no one had been around thankfully.

‘No, not since he moved,’ you lied, and she nodded to herself as he finished up and slid the folder back over.

‘All she has is speculation, so focusing on proving that you deserve joint custody is all that matters today,’ she decided, and Lester breathed a little unsteadily before his breakfast arrived. He thanked your server and dug right in, his nerves making him eat faster than he should’ve as you’d come to expect, and you went to reach for his hand to make him aware that he should slow down when you felt Gwen nudge your foot. She did so instead, and he drank half his orange juice to wash it all down, the glass thankfully not kid-sized as he went back to eating. ‘It’ll be okay, let’s just focus on saving this marriage and getting your kids back right now.’

‘Oh, I don’t want to save this marriage,’ he suddenly said around a mouthful of overly jammed toast, and your head shot up so fast in hope that your already stiff neck ached in protest. ‘No, I thought I did at first, but she can have her divorce, I just want my kids back, that’s all that matters to me now.’

You ignored the nudge this time as you held his hand, proud of him for being able to let go of such a long relationship now that it’d turned to this, he was aware that what they had was gone and that it would be different if they tried to reconnect. You gave him a reassuring smile that it’d be okay going forward now, he didn’t have to try and mend what she’d broken, and he returned it before the actual kick to your leg made you let go. He went back to eating, his pace normal and not bound to make him sick now, and you knew you couldn’t let him hear what you needed to tell the woman beside you. 

You got out your phone and quickly typed out a message to her, her phone pinging and making her grab it from her purse until she saw it was from you. She frowned but opened it all the same just to see that you’d said Rita talked to you, and you both knew you couldn’t ditch him to talk this time, not this close to the courthouse. She tapped back a quick reply which you answered just as fast, the two of you secretly typing under the table as he ate and watched the people go by, completely unaware of the reason why Gwen then sighed into her oatmeal.

She put away her phone, she wasn't too worried since his kids were his main priority, and quickly finished up her meager breakfast as a clock nearby chimed loudly. ‘We need to head over soon, it’s almost time,’ she reminded you both as you cleared your plates, and as soon as the bill was settled between the three of you you all headed out for the courthouse.

‘Oh wait, lemme fill the meter more, just in case,’ you said when you realized you didn’t know how long this would take since there was a lot to go over, and you let them go on ahead to Gwen’s preference as you fished for more coins to replace the time you’d spent inside.

‘Got some change to spare?’ someone asked as you found a quarter, and you frowned when you turned to see an unfamiliar face to this area approach you with an outstretched hand.

‘Yeah, uh, just let me do this first,’ you answered warily before filling the meter back up, a $5 bill added to your hand of remaining change so the man could get something to eat.

‘Thanks, you’re the first person all morning who’s given me the time of day,’ he told you almost sleazily as he counted the change, his eye on the seat you’d just vacated through the window as your server cleared your plates. ‘Heard this place is good, you just come from breakfast?’

‘Yeah, the coffee is cheap, so that should be good for a cup and something to eat,’ you replied, ready to walk away when he carefully sidestepped into your path.

‘That’s what I heard, yeah, anything you can suggest?’

‘I have somewhere I need to be, if you’ll excuse me,’ you tried to say without provoking him, everyone else giving you a wide berth as he stood in front of you again, and your eyes narrowed as you looked him over and realized he was dressed a little too well to be homeless.

‘Oh, of course, I was just wondering if you knew that guy you were with was a cheater, doesn’t make for a very good breakfast date.’

You froze as he grinned at you, your phone coming out to quickly text Gwen as he pocketed your change and crossed his arms. ‘I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?’ you asked as you typed, and he glanced at it before smiling for the camera in case you were taking a picture or video of him, he’d done this before.

‘You can call me Harley, you checking with that hot lawyer friend of yours to make sure I won’t be trouble?’ he asked as he tried to see your phone, and you held it to your chest seconds before her voice rang out. He heard her and spun to see her running back over, Lester waiting on the steps of the courthouse for you, and Harley grinned at you again before finally getting out of your way and heading down the street into a large crowd. He was gone instantly, Gwen out of breath as she arrived and made sure everything was okay.

‘I’m fine, but I think that might’ve been her lawyer,’ you figured as you turned back to see only strangers.

‘No, that wasn't him, but he might’ve been the guy he hired this time to follow Lester, have you seen him before?’

‘No, never, this was the first,’ you thought as you desperately searched your mind for any sign of him, but there was nothing, even though something about him felt so strangely familiar that you couldn’t place no matter how hard you tried.

‘C’mon, it’s starting in ten, we need to get in there,’ she said as she placed a hand on your back, and you crossed the street to where he was waiting nervously.

‘What happened?’ he asked as soon as you reached him, and you made sure to keep some space between you as you fixed yourself up a little.

‘Some creep asked me for change, nothing to worry about,’ you lied, and you let them go in first several minutes before you entered the building. You’d been in there many times before for your own cases, you knew the exact way to go as you headed for the main court where this would be held, and sure enough there was no one on his side while a few of their friends as well as Rita’s parents sat on her side with her, baby Annie currently sleeping in her grandmother’s lap. You tried to avoid the front row but you couldn’t, not when all of them stared you down in disgust, they all believed her claims since you were new, and you ignored them as you broke your first rule and sat directly behind him and Gwen as she prepared her opening statement.

In order to not glare very unprofessional daggers at the people who’d once claimed to be his friends, you instead finally got a look at her lawyer, and you outwardly groaned so loud that he heard it; he turned to find the source, his grin very wide and blue eyes very wild as he whispered something to Rita that you couldn’t hear. She didn’t turn, but she did smile as she looked over the papers in front of her, and you leaned forward with a quick and quiet whistle to get Gwen’s attention.

‘Why didn’t you tell me she hired Matt?’ you hissed between your teeth, and she looked at you in surprise.

‘You know him?’

‘Yeah, the prick’s been vying for a promotion for years and stole so many cases from me and many others to try and get it, the guy’s an asshole,’ you sneered a little too loud, and you heard him snicker from his table across the way.

‘All the more reason you stay as uninvolved as possible going forward, don’t bring work into this,’ she warned very seriously, and you nodded as you sat back against the unforgiving bench. It wasn't too long after when the judge walked in, and you, Gwen, and Matt all rose before everyone else on instinct. You liked this judge, she was around your age and very beautiful, but she had a temper like fire when unfairness was found, and you knew if Matt tried anything she’d be fast to shut it down. You smirked at him as everyone sat again, she’d see through all of this and clearly favour Lester after all, you had nothing to worry about as you sat back and relaxed for the first time in weeks.

‘Good morning, Judge Burkhardt,’ Gwen said as she stood again after a moment, the hearing officially started as she addressed the woman sitting above you all. ‘I’m here today on behalf of my client, Lester Billings, who wishes to contend his ex-wife’s claim of full custody.’

‘I was under the impression we’d also be discussing his previous concerns about the separation, as well,’ the Judge wondered as she went over her own notes, Gwen shaking her head and presenting her with a copy of everything she’d been collecting the past few weeks.

‘That’s no longer a concern, what he does care about is the very real possibility of losing the ability to see his children,’ she clarified as she went back to her seat, Rita whispering something to Matt before frowning at Lester.

‘I’ve got it, I’ll handle it,’ you heard him whisper back to her, and you felt your moment of relaxation start to fade at the tone of his voice.

‘If that’s what he wishes, please proceed.’

‘Thank you, now, before Ms. Rothschild can tell you her reasons for this, let me explain to you the situation from my client’s end, before bias and misunderstandings come into play; what brought this about was a horrible lack of trust between two people who’ve been together for a very long time, and who knew each other for even longer. Where there should’ve been love, jealousy arose. When there should’ve been understanding, stubbornness had taken its place. And when it was time to listen, to believe what my client was saying, there was only refusal, leading to an argument that could’ve been very much avoided.’ Gwen looked to Lester for this final part, and he covered his eyes with his hands as the guilt resurfaced once more.

You wanted so badly to go to him again but you couldn’t, the partition separating you from him feeling more like a sprawling chasm in order to stop the Judge from believing what Matt was bound to say next. So you remained seated, your hands clasped tightly in your lap as the Judge listened and read over everything Gwen had collected about that night.

‘Mistakes were made on both ends, but he doesn’t deserve to be punished with such severity, not when he loves his children this much. This is a man who can’t live without the love of his family, and if that’s taken away from him, then I fear that it’ll affect not only them as they grow up without their father, even if Ms. Rothschild does decide to remarry in the future, but also Mr. Billings as well. Thank you.’ She went back to her seat, Lester’s eyes sad but his smile thankful for what she was doing for him, and she stopped him from looking back at you as Matt loudly cleared his throat and took his turn.

‘What my client is here today to achieve is not just the separation of two people whose relationship has fallen by the wayside, but to terminate an agreement that was so blatantly broken. To allow someone who would disregard the feelings of others to that degree, and then proceed to take his anger out on her when called out on it, would be a serious risk to the children as the younger ones grow and develop.’ You grabbed onto the bench and dug your nails into the wood until it hurt as Matt strolled casually in front of the Judge while he spoke, his eyes occasionally drifting to you as he fought not to smile just because he knew you were the cause of it all.

‘I see here Mr. Billings became violent?’ the Judge confirmed, and Matt nodded in fake solemness as he went back to his table.

‘Punched a wall, their bedroom wall right next to her to be precise, so who’s to say he wasn't aiming for her and simply missed?’

‘I didn’t!’ Lester spoke up, the Judge giving him a warning look for speaking out of turn but ultimately not calling him out while also letting Matt continue.

‘In this picture my client has provided, you can see the actual indent where he made contact, note the sunken area from his knuckles, I know I wouldn’t want my kid to be anywhere near someone like that,’ he said a bit too casually as he shared the photo with her, only to receive his own visual warning for not taking this seriously. ‘Anyway, my point is that Mr. Billings is a liar, a cheat, and now, as of that night, prone to violent tendencies as well, which, if everyone may agree with me, is not a very suitable lifestyle when raising children.’

A chorus of agreements came from her side of the room, and you actually opened your mouth that time before shutting it tight and biting your lip. Matt collected his photo and went to sit back down, but not before shooting you a glance, and you were glad he worked on another floor than you because you were about to plan ahead and trash his office come Monday. He relished in your expression and sat back down again, the Judge going over the papers in front of her before looking forward again.

‘It says here that the main cause of separation was cheating, but according to his report he claims that to be the misunderstand that’s been mentioned; I know it doesn’t matter in the end since this seems to be mutual at this stage, but I feel like it would be better going forward to have this addressed so as to not give the children a skewed opinion of their father, if you don’t mind,’ the Judge said with a frown as she looked between both parties, and you quietly let out a calm breath while you mentally prepared yourself for what was to come.

‘It’s fine by us, Ms. Rothschild was looking forward to this getting cleared up,’ Matt loudly proclaimed so there’d be no chance you didn’t hear it, Gwen not as loudly agreeing as the Judge nodded and motioned for them to proceed. ‘Ms. Rothschild, if you would kindly take the stand so everyone can hear your side of things.’

‘This isn’t a trial, she can stay where she is,’ the Judge was quick to correct, but Matt’s smile was still wide as he looked back at his audience.

‘Yes, but we’ve also brought in some… ex-mutual friends of theirs who’d like to back up her claims, if you don’t mind,’ he informed her, and she considered it before deciding it might help to get their outsiders opinions even though you knew they were bound to side entirely with her until the truth became skewed even more, this wasn't fair. ‘Thank you, Your Honour; Rita, if you’d please?’

She stood and walked over to the stand, the bailiff overseeing everything shrugging before bringing over the court’s bible and having her say her oath of truth before returning to his spot. ‘Well, I’d say it started a few months back, when he returned from getting groceries. We decided that that would be his thing since I’d be at home watching Annie after preschool, and it was just easier for him to do it on his way home,’ she began, your eyes switching between her and Lester as he listened intently. ‘It was subtle at first, he’d get home a little later, something new would be in his cart that I hadn’t asked for, but it wasn't until he started talking about them that I knew something was wrong.’

You saw him open his mouth to object but Gwen silenced him, this was her time to talk, he would get his soon enough.

‘It was so little I barely noticed, just some dinner conversation as everyone talked about their day, but when they kept getting brought up, not just on Thursday but throughout the week, and then when my daughter asked for some friends to sleep over now that summer had started, he ended up turning it into this big party. We’ve thrown them before, we’re very social people, but there was something about this one that felt off, like it was just an excuse to get as many people there as possible.’ 

She paused, looking troubled as she thought back to it, and you hadn’t known that the party you’d been invited to was actually just supposed to be for her, that explained why so many of them had stayed when they went in for the night. 

‘But I knew something was wrong when he brought home that cheesecake, neither of us even like Caramel Pecan, and I tried to excuse it like maybe he’d gotten it for the girls, or maybe he was trying something new, but the moment I saw him give them a piece I knew it. I knew that there was something going on behind my back.’

The Judge frowned but didn’t say anything, murmurs drifting over from your right, and you looked at Lester as he and Gwen said something so quiet you couldn’t hear a single word even from that close. ‘A gift for the secret lover, was it?’ Matt asked like he didn’t already know the answer, and Rita nodded as she shot you a cold look.

‘And it wasn't just that, he also had them sit next to him while we watched movies, and I watched as he grabbed them around the waist and threw them into the pool so they could flirt not just in front of me but in front of all our friends, like he was flaunting the fact that he’d found someone else at me,’ she continued angrily, her voice rising as she turned her attention to him, and he tried again to speak only to be silenced. ‘He kept inviting them to our house after that, kept throwing parties of various sizes and always inviting them even though they barely knew each other, and they didn’t come often but whenever they did his eyes were always on them, I saw him do it.’

Your mouth fell open as you let out a soft gasp, and Lester stared straight ahead at her, completely ignoring you as you tried to think of him watching you while you were around, but you’d always tried so hard to keep it platonic, to not overstep any boundaries and stay out of that part of his life, had he really been looking at you the entire time?

‘That was when you decided to ask him about it, right before your vacation, correct?’ Matt asked like this was the best drama he’d ever gotten to witness because she was talking about you, someone he personally knew and contended against.

‘Correct, I didn’t want to go anywhere with him if he’d be thinking about someone else, and I certainly didn’t want to risk him inviting them along on our family vacation.’

‘Was there ever an actual concern about that?’ the Judge interrupted, and Rita shrugged before nodding.

‘Yes, at one point he asked if maybe we should let the kids bring one friend each so they could have more fun, teased about asking the Himuras since Deni is friends with their daughters, but it was the way he said it, like he wanted to ask someone but not them, that this was just another excuse, and that’s when I asked him to be honest with me about the cheating.’ Lester was shaking his head as she spoke, but whether it was because she was wrong or if he regretted what he said because it was true made you unsure of everything you believed before you walked through those doors.

‘And we know how that turned out; he denied your claims, refused to name the lover himself, and when you refused to say it he became violent-’

‘Objection, Mr. Billings told me explicitly that he never answered her questions in her favour because he wasn't aware of what she was even talking about, because this is all just assumptions and slander,’ Gwen interrupted heatedly, she also knew what he’d said and this was making her lose control of her emotions in your stead. 

‘He didn’t answer because he’d been caught and didn’t want to admit it and you know it,’ Matt said dismissively with a sneer, the Judge banging her gavel just once to quiet him when she remembered there was a sleeping baby present. 

‘Sustained until proven otherwise, leave the judgment up to me, if you’ll please,’ she warned him, and he sat back and crossed his arms as Rita was encouraged to finish.

‘He did become angry when I wouldn’t tell him what he already knew, and when he hit the wall I felt unsafe for the first time around him,’ she concluded seriously, her parents glaring at him as Annie kept sleeping in blissful ignorance of the situation. ‘That was when I asked for custody, and kicked him out of our room. After that he began to stay elsewhere, I never looked him up.’

Matt chuckled to himself but didn’t say anything, and when you felt your skin crawl you noticed that he was staring at you again. ‘Thank you, and if it would please you, Your Honour, I would like to call some friends of theirs to the stand, to share what they saw as well and to prove that this isn’t just a bad take formed out of jealousy.’

‘I’ll allow it.’

You watched as the couple from movie night entered together, their own oaths spoken before they agreed that he’d been oddly close to you during the party, how he favoured you during movie night by making you extra dip even though he never once did that for any of them, and some of them he’d known since highschool. They hadn’t wanted to believe it, but something changed in him since you’d appeared in his life, a change you’d never noticed because you only saw this new him, apparently. You could almost cry, the way they were saying it could almost make you believe he’d fallen in love with you, to the point where you were genuinely unsure if Matt had coached them to say all this for Rita’s sake or if this was the truth.

‘Sounds pretty cut and dry to me, no further questions,’ Matt said as they sat down, and the Judge looked equally as convinced as she turned her attention back to Lester.

‘Indeed, but we still need to hear from Mr. Billings,’ she reminded everyone, and he was about to stand when Matt held up a hand to interrupt.

‘Actually, I’d also like to call a colleague of mine to the stand before we get to him,’ he told everyone, and you saw Gwen twitch just a little just as you yourself did. 

‘Is this colleague here?’ the Judge asked, and he nodded before whistling; the man from the street, Harley, then appeared from somewhere behind you, he’d been hiding out of sight and was holding a coffee and a manilla envelope as he walked up to Matt and handed it over. He opened it up, peeked inside, and grinned so excitedly that it almost made you sick as he then turned to you and motioned for you to come forward.

You stood and did as he asked, it was finally your turn, and Lester watched you go along with everyone else as you sat in the worn seat and tried to keep your breathing level. ‘Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?’ the bailiff asked you as your hand shook over the cover, and you looked to Lester before steeling your gaze in Matt’s direction, his expression telling you that he thought this would be not only his win but your loss, that maybe this would finally be enough to up his credit enough to join the big leagues, this imaginary promotion that’ll finally tell him he was a success.

‘I do,’ you replied honestly, and he shook his head in amused pity before removing the papers along with a phone from the envelope to lay out on the table. He stood again, he couldn’t remain seated with this, and he cracked his neck for show before jumping right into it.

‘Thursday, May 9th, that’s when you first met him, wasn't it?’ he asked smugly as he checked over his notes, the Judge the last to know that it was all leading up to this as she sat up a little straighter.

‘Yes, that was the day I first spoke to Le- Mr. Billings at Walkers,’ you confirmed professionally, determined to not make this any worse than it could be, you could do this.

‘But it wasn't until a few weeks later that you were invited to his home, correct?’

‘That’s right, you know a bunch of us were collaborating on the Krill case around that time, I wasn't able to get much shopping done with the late hours,’ you replied, and he hummed and flipped the page.

‘I remember, you guys stole that one from me,’ he muttered because he couldn’t help but let it out, and you tried not to smirk amidst your attempts to keep everything calm and collected. ‘So that means you only met twice before you became friends?’

‘I guess- I mean, yes, technically, but that second time we spent around 40 to 45 minutes getting to know each other, the first time he had to run home shortly after I met him.’

‘And you were unaware that he’d been bringing you up around his family and friends the whole time you were kept away by work?’

Your eye twitched as you glanced at the man in question, and you found a lovely section of wall to stare out down the aisle instead. ‘I was not, no.’

‘And you still accepted his invitation, despite meeting once pretty much?’ He was baiting you, and you very much knew it as you acquainted yourself with the wall in the distance.

‘He seemed pleasant enough, and I don’t meet many people outside of work, I thought it might be fun to give it a try,’ you rationalized in front of everyone, the other reason that you simply liked him and wanted to see him again obviously left out.

‘And the cheesecake…?’

‘We’d stopped by the dessert counter and they only sold it in full cakes, not slices, he bought it as incentive for me to join so I could have some, a friendly encouragement for me to accept,’ you explained, and Rita scoffed as the Judge raised her eyebrow at Lester. ‘At least, that’s what I assumed, he never said it in words.’ It was a lie, an actual lie, and you watched his expression change as he became unsure if he’d said that to you or not.

‘Which you did accept, in the end, did you not? Directly from him according to Rita,’ Matt confirmed, and you nodded as you recalled that night.

‘He was handing it out to not just me, but a few others as well, I wasn't a special case,’ you clarified as you remembered him grabbing several slices from both cheesecakes to hand out to those still sitting and getting ready for the movie. ‘And before you mention the pool, yes, he did throw me in, but by pushing me, not by grabbing me around the waist, I don’t know where she got that from. He pushed me, jumped in, and then others did as well, it was a pool party after all and now that all the kids were inside or asleep it was the adults’ turn to swim.’

Matt frowned as he went back to his notes, another page flipped to as your shoulders relaxed just a little again. ‘And the movie gathering, with the dip?’

‘I arrived late so I’d missed out on it, he made more so I could enjoy some as well, and when I got my portion it was shared with everyone else, if I’d arrived on time he more than likely would’ve kept watching the movie.’ You felt satisfied when you saw the couple nod like they’d forgotten that point, you were winning them over, and they looked at you a little less dirtily as you fought the urge not to smile. ‘He only kept inviting me to things because we only had time to socialize while we grocery shopped, which isn’t very good for a new friendship, this was his way of keeping us familiar and not just shopping strangers since he knew my weekdays were full, I’m sure you’d be more familiar with that if you had more clients.’

A faint snicker filled the room at your comment, Matt’s face going red before he got serious; he flipped ahead so fast he nearly tore the pages, and when he found what he was looking for he looked like he was the cat and you were the canary. ‘Keep it up while you can,’ he whispered before smiling at the Judge, Rita looking worried until she saw his expression. ‘Thursday, July 18th, almost an entire month after the divorce was called, you went back to his home to find him, did you not?’

The smile you didn’t realize you were wearing then started to fall, and you concentrated on your patch of wall again as you nodded. ‘I did, yes. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks and I was worried.’

‘Oh, just two? Wouldn’t he have been missing for a month?’ he quickly asked, looking like he’d caught you, and you nibbled your lip a moment in frustration.

‘I’d assumed he was on vacation, he’d told me about it and since I knew the kids were on holiday I just figured he was in California,’ you clarified even quicker, but he didn’t look convinced as he flipped to the next page.

‘Uh huh, according to Rita it says here that you asked for him specifically while in a panic, and when she informed you of his move you began banging on the door and asking about their children, you sound pretty invested for just a weekend friend,’ he pointed out as he turned on his heel to face everyone, and when you looked at Lester he looked just as surprised to hear this news as you were to hear about him watching you. 

‘It’d been two weeks and something felt wrong, I needed to make sure everything was okay,’ you told him, your eyes no longer finding the wall as he spun to face you, his low ponytail creating a flash of gold across his crisp black blazer. ‘And she hadn’t told me about the move until after she assaulted me via a slap to the face, as well as insinuated that I’d come there to steal him away. I would never, that had never been my intention.’

‘At first.’ Matt skipped almost giddily over to you before handing the Judge a bunch of papers and slamming one on the stand in front of you, and you frowned in confusion as you saw yourself in the photo; it was the night you’d met up with him again, the two of you hugging in his car, and you desperately tried to find the words as the Judge frowned disapprovingly. ‘You met up with him again at Walkers a week later, where you proceeded to not only pay for his groceries according to my sources, but also invite him back to your home to stay while he searched for a new residence, instead of his current hotel room, where does all that fit in with your intentions?’

He was positively smug as the Judge motioned for Gwen to approach as well, everyone else whispering to each other until Annie started to stir and forced them to be silent. ‘Did you know about this?’ she asked while Lester sat there uneasily, and Gwen reluctantly nodded while Matt failed to suppress another chuckle.

‘If they may explain, it was a rooming of convince, nothing more,’ Gwen said on your behalf, and the Judge looked to you before letting her go again so you could finish. 

‘I was simply extending some kindness to someone who’d gotten me out of the house more times than anything else in those couple months; I saw a friend in need, so I offered him my couch until he could find his own place, I’d figured it would’ve been too hard to place a downpayment on anything when all of his funds were tied up into that room,  that’s all.’ You were starting to speak firmly, and he knew he was getting to you as he scrunched up his face in humorous disbelief.

‘Did you, though? Because from what I heard, he was actually sleeping in your bed the entire two weeks he was with you,’ he told everyone, and the only reason you didn’t get angry was because you were starting to get very confused.

‘Where did you hear that?’ you demanded to know, but he wasn't done talking.

‘Along with that, apparently you were also there when he signed the deed to his house, as well as went shopping for a new bed, where the two of you not only came but also left together to head to said house as soon as it was in working order,’ he listed loudly just so no one would miss it, a photo to prove each point landing in front of you as cruel reminders, and you made a grab for the notebook on pure instinct as he laughed and jumped back, holding it out of your reach.

‘Would you two please control yourselves? Is everything he said true? Remember that you’re under oath,’ the Judge asked you very seriously, and you looked around in a growing panic before your eyes landed on Harley; all at once you recognized him, he’d been one of the workers who’d helped you load up his car that day, your focus purely on the frame to the point where he’d been practically invisible to you at the time.

‘Yeah, yeah it’s true,’ you admitted, and Rita looked furious in her belief that she was being proven right. ‘He slept in my bed because the couch hurt his back too much, so I took it instead in the meantime, and we went shopping together because he’s incredibly indecisive and needed a second opinion. I helped him with his house because it was disgustingly dirty from being empty for so long, and it would’ve taken him ages to clean it up alone despite the size. 

‘Every single thing you’ve said has just reaffirmed that I’ve been helping my friend where everyone else had left him high and dry, there’s absolutely nothing you can take away from that and the fact that I have never once made any sort of move on him, not in my own home and certainly not in either of his. Lester is my friend, I’m here today to support him while he tries to get his kids back in his life, and I don’t see how any of this is going to reach that if we keep messing around on this false accusation!’ You quickly lowered your voice when Annie stirred again, a few hushes and leg bounces lulling her back to sleep as she held her grandmother tight, but Matt didn’t look dissuaded by your speech, in fact, he looked like he’d finally gotten you as he held up the final photo but didn’t show you.

‘Could you please read out your last conversation with Mr. Billings to the court, please?’ he asked calmly, and your anger turned to panic as Gwen silently asked what he meant to Lester out of the corner of your eye.

‘What?’

‘Could you please read-’

‘I know what you said, but why?’ you asked uneasily, and he sighed before turning to the Judge. 

‘Please follow the request,’ she ordered, and you sucked in an unsteady breath as you unlocked your phone and went to his chat.

‘You know he brought me screenshots, don’t make me use them instead,’ Matt muttered under his breath, and you didn’t even have to ask to know that it was because you’d left you car unlocked, giving your tail the perfect opportunity to take pictures of your messages after seeing Lester send them only for you to arrive shortly after the night before.

‘I can’t,’ you told him as you stared at the words, it would all be taken the wrong way, and he took your phone from you without a fight before handing it to the Judge.

‘“I miss you,”’ she read aloud, and Gwen put her head in her hand as Lester stood, the Judge reading the rest while Rita’s side of the room started whispering again. ‘“I can’t sleep, can you come over?” These speak for themselves, what do you have to say about them?’ 

You couldn’t get a single word out as your phone was handed back to you, but you needed to try before everything you’d just said was thrown out the window. ‘He was stressed, he couldn’t sleep, nothing happened,’ you explained weakly, Matt already on top of it as he held his page a little tighter.

‘The second the door opened you were in his arms,’ he let everyone know, and you shook your head when that wasn't the photo he wanted to share.

‘We’d had a fight before he left, a misunderstanding, he just missed me,’ you tried to say, and that’s when he struck, the image of the two of you lying in bed together fully selling the lie. ‘These were taken without our consent,’ you mumbled, but it was too late, Harley had been there, he’d seen everything from the start, this was just the icing on the cake of the lie to everyone.

‘Caught in bed, that doesn’t look very platonic to me, see he’s even got his arm around your waist for real this time.’ Matt was on Cloud 9 as he spoke, the Judge agreeing and completely convinced that there was something going on after all.

‘He couldn’t sleep,’ you repeated softly, and as if to add insult to injury, he finally brought out the phone from the envelope over from the table.

‘Last chance to tell the truth,’ he offered, and something in you snapped as your entire body went stiff.

‘Oh fuck off Matt,’ you snarled, a slap to the desk your warning since the gavel was too loud, and he gave you another fake sigh before pulling up the phone’s gallery. He turned up the volume and turned the screen to the Judge, and it was dark and a little shaky but the sound still filled the large and empty room with ease.

‘I love you.’

Lester’s voice from last night bounced off every corner until it was impossible to ignore, and Matt played the clip again just to be sure.

‘I love you.’

‘So much for platonic,’ he figured as he played it again for good measure, and the Judge took the phone to make sure that yes, that was the two of you in the video as well as his voice through the speaker behind the cicadas and crickets that conveniently blocked out the next part where he called you his friend. ‘And are those tears when you roll over at the end? Guess the guilt of destroying a family can do that to you, yikes… Your Honour, if you could now swipe to the right you’ll find them the next morning as well,’ he told her, and you just barely saw footage of you two hugging in the doorway, the camera perfectly catching his kiss to your forehead before you wrapped your arms around him; it cut off just in time to make your hug look like a real kiss despite your face never leaving his chest in reality, and your frustration and helplessness at what you’d done to him bubbled up and overflowed until you felt a hot streak fall down your cheek.

‘I knew it, how dare you stand up there and lie to everyone, you ruined my marriage!’ Rita yelled as you gripped the wood until your hands hurt, her outburst finally enough to wake up Annie as she started crying along with you. She was inconsolable, her grandparents unable to calm her as Rita rubbed her eyes, her own anger at this whole situation going in circles until she was ultimately proven right also overflowing as she banged her hand off the table. ‘Can you please just take her outside, mom?’

‘Please, let me,’ Lester suddenly said, his first words in what felt like ages, and he didn’t wait for permission as he crossed over to the other side of the courtroom to reach for his baby girl. ‘Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here,’ he whispered softly as he took her from her grandmother’s arms, and she blinked through her tears as she reached up to touch his face, ‘it’s just me, it’s your daddy, it’s me.’ Her crying calmed as she recognized him in her childish sorrow, her small voice confirming that it was indeed her father before she curled against him and held on tight.

The room went silent as he kept hushing her, his arm bouncing slightly until her crying ceased completely, and when she started to fall back asleep again he couldn’t stop his own tears from falling as he kissed her head and breathed in deep. ‘Alright, she’s going home, just gi-’

‘Let me hold her, please,’ he begged immediately, cutting Rita off and holding his daughter away when she reached out to take her. ‘It’s been two months, just please let me hold my daughter for a little while longer…’ Rita backed down, Matt scoffing at the wasted time as Lester gave Annie another kiss, and even though it physically pained him to let go he eventually did; her grandmother took her back before they both left, Lester not fully breaking until the doors had closed and there was no risk of waking her, an awkward but also sad air filling the room as his friends finally saw what they’d done to him.

‘Can we get back to this, if you don’t mind?’ Matt asked from the floor, but Lester was done, he’d just had to give away his little girl after watching his only friend be torn apart in front of him, and he was done.

‘No, because I do mind,’ he told him as he turned, his cheeks wet but his eyes deathly serious as he approached the stand. ‘I’m sick of everyone trying to tell me what I did, what happened when I was there, and I won’t let this go any further. I asked them to come over, and we did lay in bed together, but only because I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I can’t do this alone, not because I cheated on you, Rita. No matter how you interpreted my actions, I know what my intentions were, and they were never to be disloyal to you. 

‘I’ve loved you ever since we were teenagers, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you, but I can see now that we married too soon, and that no matter how much I love you and my children, it will never be enough to fix what you’ve broken. I know I scared you, I was afraid myself, that night, and I don’t care if you can never forgive me for it, but don’t punish me for something I didn’t do by convincing yourself that I’m a monster.’ He stopped to take a breath, everyone silent as Matt leaned against his table and waited impatiently for this to end, and you couldn’t stay there any longer until he turned to speak to you and instantly froze you. ‘You’ve been nothing but good to me since we met, and I’m so sorry I dragged you into all of this.’

‘I’m the one who ruined your marriage,’ you murmured miserably, and he shook his head before turning back to Rita.

‘No, you ruined our marriage the moment you stopped trusting me and broke our vows,’ he told her, and for the first time she looked almost regretful of her actions. ‘You can have the divorce, spending these past two months without you has taught me that maybe this has been a long time coming, and I didn’t lie, I never cheated on you and never intended to, but… these two months have also told me that I don’t have to walk out of here with nothing even if they rule in your favour.’ He glanced back to you for just a moment, and you swore he might actually be in love before he focused on the Judge. ‘I know all of what you just heard and saw was taken horribly out of context, and… and maybe my intentions have changed over time, but I’m not a liar, and I would never harm my children, you have to believe that, Your Honour.’

‘Oh, I believe it,’ she agreed after watching him calm his crying baby with ease before baring his soul to everyone. ‘We might’ve gotten off track there for a while, I apologize for letting that go on for as long as I did, but it’s very clear to me that despite the multiple errors in judgment on pretty much everyone in this room’s part, it wouldn’t be a fair ruling to let you walk out of here without custody.’ She smacked the gavel now that Annie was away, and Lester’s legs nearly failed him as he smiled in pure relief. ‘Temporary full custody will remain with Ms. Rothschild while you finish your new residence, and when the house is furnished and ready to house the children, we’ll meet up again to go over things and discuss how often they’ll stay with the both of you.’

‘Thank you, thank you so much,’ Lester sobbed joyfully before he crashed into the partition gate, and you and Gwen rushed to him to help him remain standing long enough to get to a seat. Matt swore to himself as Rita kept her distance, their friends deciding to make amends as they walked over to him and apologized, they’d spread the word that Rita had been wrong, and he couldn’t seem to stop crying as he smiled until his cheeks surely hurt just as much as yours did.

Another month went by as summer finally gave way to fall, and Halloween decorations started to fill the streets as you drove through the neighbourhood. Four pumpkins were strapped into your seats and made the car smell nice as you drove, the familiar way to Lester’s home engraved in your mind until you were pulling into the driveway behind him. You left the car unlocked as you ran up to the door to knock, and it was clear he’d seen you through the kitchen window as the door swung open to reveal him standing there in the most dad-themed apron you’d ever seen; it was of another man with a very chiseled stomach, something of which you assumed he didn’t have based on the few glimpses you’d gotten when he’d stayed with you, and you raised an eyebrow at him as he went in for a hug.

‘It’s incentive to keep to my new diet, since you helped the last one fail so many times,’ he joked before pulling you to his chest, and you kept it to yourself that you didn’t mind how he looked as you hugged him back.

‘You’re a grown man, you could’ve always said no,’ you reminded him as you headed back for the car, Lester following after setting down the dish towel he was still holding. You grabbed a pumpkin each and brought them to the dining room, or the small section of room he considered a dining room since technically his kitchen and living room were openly connected. 

‘Shaun’s gunna love this one, I can already tell- where’s the fifth?’ he asked when you shut the door, and you looked around for it too in confusion.

‘Fifth?’

‘You’re spending Halloween with us, right? You’re not gunna make me hand out candy with just Annie, are you?’ he asked disappointedly, and you fought the oncoming blush as you looked at the four pumpkins on the table, the last one being baby-sized just for Annie to scribble on instead of carve. ‘There’s a new Stephen King movie coming out that Deni was really excited to share with us, please tell me you aren’t gunna skip out on that one?’

‘I just assumed you’d wanna spend time with your family, since Rita did agree to the whole week just for this,’ you muttered nervously, and the hand he placed on your arm was warm and comforting as he gave you another almost loving look.

‘I think we can consider you a part of the family, especially after everything you did for us,’ he told you honestly, but you still weren’t entirely convinced you could join this part of his life now that you knew you might have a chance at a more permanent friendship with him. ‘Here, I ordered a bunch of food for tonight from that pizza place we used to visit a bunch while I was staying with you, if you go grab it I’ll pay for your pumpkin if you can find one in the next… 27 minutes,’ he offered, and you realized his hand was still on you as it then moved to your hand to hold your palm up to accept his wallet.

‘It takes 13 to get to the pumpkin patch,’ you told him, and he just shrugged before letting you go.

‘Better hurry then, don’t wanna be left out when we’re all sitting here carving pumpkins and eating pizza,’ he tempted you, and when you looked down at the table and imagined it you realized you wanted nothing more than to be a part of that. ‘And, since Rita doesn’t get here til 7, I think it might be nice to just spend some time alone with you, just the two of us, like before… I don’t get to see you as often now that your Thursdays are all booked up,’ he admitted shyly, and your heart pounded when he rubbed at his neck and you finally noticed that he’d taken his wedding ring off now that the divorce was officially and mutually underway.

‘You could come with me, we could maybe check out the Halloween displays at Walkers for a little extra decoration ideas, your house is honestly lacking compared to your neighbours,’ you suggested calmly, and his smile was back to normal as he stripped off his apron and tossed it over the arm of your second couch that so perfectly fit against the living room wall across from his TV, the photo of his kids so far the only other decoration on the stand.

‘I think I could go for some Caramel Pecan cheesecake, if I’m honest, you made me like it a bit more than the Chocolate Fudge Supreme,’ he whispered scandalously as you both headed out the door, and this time you did lean into him a little when his hand found the small of your back on the way to the car.

[v3nusxsky]

Picking up the pieces

*Authors note~ just trying to get back into the swing of things now University is over for the summer. And of course sinful souls is long overdue an update. Queue the angsty chapter *

Trigger warnings~ very toxic lesso, lesso left after sex, abandonment issues (R), aftercare mentioned, heartbreak, depression, panic attack, bad memories, sub space (R) , lesso has a lot of self hate and a rough background

Each sob that forced its way from your exhausted frame broke the blonde principals heart. Leonora leaving would’ve hurt you no matter what, that she knew, but adding in the vulnerability you’d shown before she left meant you were near enough inconsolable. All Larissa could do was administer aftercare and gather you in her arms as your mind and body struggle to catch up. Your cries becoming more frequent as you mumbled phrases like, “why did she go?” “Was I bad mommy?” “I’m sorry” over and over, only worsening your emotional state to the point it was a struggle to force air into your lungs.

Small breaths clawed their way out of your throat as your emotions overflowed into pure panic. Instinctively, you began to panic more, pleading for the other woman to help you, needing more than what you could ever explain in this moment. They say people can die from heartbreak, and this right here would sum that up perfectly. You didn’t want to die, not really, but it seemed that the hold on your lungs just got tighter and tighter until your whole body flopped forward, eyes fluttering to a close, shutting your body down instantly to the soundtrack of Larissa’s terror soaked scream.

Never in her life and all her years at Nevermore had Larissa Weems seen someone in such a state as you were. The extreme emotional stress took a toll on your vulnerable state causing your blood pressure to drop drastically. Instinctively her training kicked in and she moved you gently into the recovery position and made sure to check the time and observe your condition. The longest couple of minutes of the blondes life would forever engrave themselves into her brain and heart.

Incoherent mumbles filled the room allowing the principal to release a breath she wasn’t aware of holding. You’d be okay. She was here for you no matter what. Haphazardly, you threw your hand out in search of the older woman, seeking her warmth and comfort as you roused back to consciousness. “I’m here baby. I’m right here. You’re okay” she reassured as your beautiful dark eyelashes fluttered before revealing your stunning eyes. “You stayed” came your sad little whimper, your eyes darting around the room, “she left didn’t she?”

No response would heal the damage this night caused but Larissa opted to redirect your focus on to her. She was here. Always would be. Leonora walked out yes, but the blonde couldn’t shake that she would be back. Maybe not now, maybe not next week, but she’d come back. You all needed one another in ways neither of you realised. Fate is a tricky beast, one that’s so intricate and beautiful yet holds a price. All you both could do was trust fate would work this situation out for the better. Using the hotel to spend a night away, soaking in eachothers comforting embrace and trying to understand what will happen now.

Everything was blank, until the memory of the door slamming triggering the club owner to break down into an onslaught of angry tears. How could she respond with such anger to you. Clearly red mist clouded her rational thinking and she reacted in such a manner. Yet she had no true memory of what occurred, obscured by blind rage. The rhythmic thumping of the bass vibrating the club seemed to get louder with every silent tear Lesso shred. As it came back in glimpses and flashbacks of how she’d treated the two women who clearly cared for her. Looking at Leonora you wouldn’t think she has ever been through anything rough in life. However, that’s completely far from the truth, underneath that hard shell is the small girl who was abandoned and shunned by the small village she lived in.

A glass of neat whiskey was cradled in her hand as the moment she left the hotel room replayed over and over. Each time something new came to her attention and allowed the self hatred to grow. She was truly evil. How could she? How dare she? She had to make it right if you or Larissa would ever look at her in that way again. Finally being done taking out her personal issues on others and pushing away probably the only good things in her life. She’d never be happy if she couldn’t accept the good in life. That simple realisation resulted in her whiskey being thrown against the door in frustration. How could she be so blind?

Larissa Weems is use to sleeping lightly, it comes with years of being on call for Nevermore students. So it was unsurprising she couldn’t sleep through the constant buzzing coming from your phone, then hers. Only then to be met with what was clearly a drunk Leonora showing remorse and begging for both the women to forgive her. Desperate for another chance. Only half the texts happened to be incoherent. Deciding she didn’t want you wake up yet she shot a text to your group chat stating one simple thing. “Drunk words are sober thoughts my dear”

A reply. She replied. Wait who? Larissa. Immediately Leonora began fumbling to press the call button and after two rings the blonde principal answered. From here she listened as the raven haired woman ranted and rambled out slurred apologise and promises to be better, ending the call with a promise to all talk tomorrow. For now sleep and a glass of water was in order.

Your feelings on the matter were definitely muddled when Larissa approached the subject. Yet with a phone call to lesso of your own you agreed to meet up as long as you had some proof the woman wouldn’t hurt either of you again, a goal to work too allowing you all to sort out your emotions and ideas of where to go from here.

[my-name-is-markus-with-a-k]

prime numbers for the gif-maker asks? 👀

2. Least favourite set? Oh, I'm sorry but I don't want to answer that 😅 I've deleted any I really don't like, but I will say there's a set that keeps popping up in my notifs where I'm like 'really, that one again???' But that's all I will say. People like what they like.

3. The set with the most notes? This one with 1559 notes. I'm happy with that, it's a good set. The ones with Connor in them tend to do well.

5. Favourite movie/tv show to gif? dbh is my main fandom so yeah, dbh but more specifically, Markus. I just love giffing him, it's almost therapeutic at this stage.

7. Who are my top 3 gifmakers? @thirium @aghostinmyownmachine @mijchi for dbh gifs and also shout out to @babyjapril who is not a dbh giffer but her gifs are always incredible (sorry for the random tag ana).

11. One set I made that just won't die? I legitimately don't know what this means lol

13. Where and/or from whom did you learn to gif? I'm mostly self-taught but I have relied on a few tutorials here and there.

17. How many gifs do you prefer in a set? I guess 2? That's how many I usually make in a set, so that must be my preference. I do like a 4 set too though.

19. What I'd my giffing process like? Very on the fly, lol. I check to see if I have the footage I want, if I don't I screen record the scene I need. I upload that into ps, trim the clip to what I need, change the speed and crop. Then I brighten and colour them to whatever I'm feeling at the time. I always sharpen last. It's what takes the longest and I sometimes have to finick with the settings a bit until it looks nice on tumblr.

23. What's the thing you gif when you don't have anything else to gif? Take a wild guess. It's my boy ofc

29. Have you ever posted a set, realised you made a mistake later but realised it was too late? Oh yes many a time. Usually on sets with text and I made a typo. That's happens pretty often 😅 I usually go back and fix them anyway but then the old versions still get reblogged lol

31. Do you schedule/queue posts or do you post as soon as you're done? I usually post when I'm done. If I'm not really happy with a set, I'll save them to drafts and look at them later. If I decide they're actually OK, I'll post them, if not, I redo them. But I don't schedule posts, I'm too impatient.

37. What sets do you have planned to make in the future? There are a few sets I'm waiting to do when my skills catch up to my visions. But right now? There's a quote gifset I want to make with Markus but it will require time I just don't have right now.

41. Least favourite part of the gifmaking process? Oh my god, uploading to tumblr. I never really know what gifs are going to look good. Sometimes I'll spend ages on a set, upload to tumblr and it look like ass, so I have to redo the whole thing. It's infuriating.

43. Do you keep videos or delete them once you're done giffing? I keep them unless I need the space. I'm pretty lazy like that hahaha

47. Any advice for novice gif makers/people who want to start making gifs? Gif tutorials are your friend. I'm mostly self-taught but whenever I get really stuck, I search for gif tutorials. They are incredibly helpful.

That... was a lot of questions and I had to google prime numbers like a chump because I could only remember prime numbers up to 20 lmao

[scrumptiousstuffs]

Tag game

Tagged by the lovely @mbjw

Why did you choose your url? - It first started as "thescrumptiousbookstuffs" cause I really like books but I never really have the time to actually write a proper review of books (or even read nowadays). And then I decided the whole name was too long, and I basically shorten it into the current moniker. Cause I thought, hey - BL boys are scrumptious too 😁

Any sideblogs? - If you have them, name them and why do you have them - I just started one but there is nothing posted on it. I called it "just writing" cause it will likely be my random thoughts that I will keep private

How long have you been on tumblr? - Since 2010 (I think) but for the longest time, it was empty where I will occasionally reblog random things. I only started to become active in during COVID lockdown

Do you have a queue tag? - Nah, I cannot be bothered. I usually just post it immediately.

Why did you start your blog in the first place - COVID lockdown means I was oscillating between depression and boredom. Apart from work (which was exhausting cause I worked in the medical field and during lockdown, I don't have to tell you want that means), I was pretty much isolated from my closest friends and family (as they all live in a different country altogether). So, tumblr allowed me to browse through my interest (mainly BTS and BL)

Why did you choose your icon/pff? - Erm, FK owns my soul. Hehe...They are my children/babies and I will defend them till the end of time.

Why did you choose your header? - I change this every few months. The most recent one is a photo I took when I went travelling to the Southern part of New Zealand (my other interest apart from BL/BTS is to take beautiful photographs of nature)

What's your post with the most notes? - I think it is the Wandee Goodday cast dressing up (and having fun) during Pride Month. I guess seeing Podd in drag is a highlight for everyone lol

How many mutuals do you have? - Not sure. 10? I am terrible at this, I should really follow more people lol

Now many followers do you have? - just over 750. Not a lot hehe

How many people do you follow? 26. I should really follow more people.....

Have you ever made a shitpost? - If you mean putting/posting things that I regret - yes. I then just delete them.

How often do you use tumblr each day? - I checked them at least 3-4 times per day (bad, I know 😅), but it is fun to see what other people are posting

Did you have fight/argument with another blog once? - Nah, if I don't like what someone post (maybe cause I disagree with what they say etc), I just block them. Means tumblr is a peaceful and safe haven for me

How do you feel about 'you need to reblog this' posts? - I don't like it. I will reblog and like the posts I want to like. Nobody is allowed to tell me what to do on my tumblr dashboard 🫣

Do you like tag games? - I don't mind it at all. It is a way for me to learn about my mutuals (and other people) 😌

Do you like ask games? - Sure, happy to answer any questions ✌️

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? - Hemm, I have no idea hahaha....what is considered famous?

Do you have a crush on a tumblr? - Nah, but I am always happy to interact with anyone and answer any questions (but I cannot promise I know the answers!)

Tags? - Gonna tag @akkpipitphattana, @hyp-no-tic, @pluviophile6104, @moonkhao, @c0smicdaisy, @fadeawayaway, @firstkanaphans and anyone else who wants to join (also feel free to ignore these if you don't want to answer any of this!)

[pliablehead]

I guess if I want to write a travelogue/write up post about my 4-stop journey following the first chunk of Everything Everything's 2023 US tour then I have to just... do it!! If this is of interest to anyone other than me then GREAT and if not then it's still special to me to try to write down and remember everything I can uwu

FIRST STOP WASHINGTO-- wait, no, actually, first stop, on my way out of town, the local donut shop in my neighborhood, a place that I absolutely adore and patronize all the time with staff who mostly know me by now/some of whom are my instagram friends/etc. i'd checked with the Pittsburgh venue ahead of time to see if it was okay to send in outside food as a gift to the band even though they have a cafe/bar in their own right, and whoever I corresponded with said it would be totally fine, so I talked to the donut shop manager and set up a delivery of a dozen for the lads for Saturday before their show here. advance paid for that, as well as getting my own breakfast and coffee hehe, and then hit the road. OKAY FOR REAL FIRST STOP WASHINGTON DC!!! This was the second-longest leg of my Car Driving and it was definitely a wee bit exhausting but I had a podcast or two and a ton of E E on shuffle to bolster me through and I made it to my mom's friends' house, where I was staying, with relative ease. The venue was within a not-too-unreasonable walking distance too so after a change of clothes (I had very distinct and deliberate Show Outfits for each night that were fully separate from my travelin' clothes) and a bunch of fussing with the bracelets™ I headed over!! stopped for empanadas and a smoothie on the way and then queued up!!

aaaaahh this was such a nice fun queue. I was maybe about a dozen-ish people back from the front, down about half a block, and once I finished scarfing down my food this was my first real experience with doling out the bracelets. so fun! I'm glad it was basically an instant hit! AND I even got a few trades in this queue--one person gave me a Man Alive / Tin / E E bracelet with teeny tiny beads, super fun, and one person with a SHITTON of kandi stuff gave me one that had the name of a flower genus on it?? i think they said it was?? I love the colors on this one! And one person traded me a Blow Pop. lmao. I should eat that before it sits in my fanny pack for too long. I also really enjoyed chatting with the two guys right in front of me (Nick and Alex?), who were from south-central PA and had a couple other fandom touchstones in common with me (mcelroys/dnd/BDG! I love this Venn diagram!!) as well as a big love for E E. We didn't really see much of each other beyond the point of getting inside but I liked y'all a lot!! Hope you had as great a time as I did!!

Black Cat is where I saw E E the first time I EVER SAW THEM, which was almost exactly six years ago from this gig, which is insaaaane. The space is kind of narrow so there's not a huge amount of stage barrier space right at the front, so Becky and I ended up pretty much at the front but almost aa-all the way stage left/Jeremy-side. coulda been worse hehehe. We kind of loitered and chatted with nearby folks, I think maybe becky checked out merch ahead of the show ? but I kind of just held down the fort, enjoying setup stuff, pete running around etc hehe. getting BLASTED by the AC, which was nice.

the ummmm the opener! our first experience with Pierre! I gotta say his general style is not for me, despite the fact that I do think he's very talented and good at the thing he's doing. this first night especially he was SO sweaty and I felt bad for him lmao, you could like see it dripping off him. i am so curious as to why/how he got paired with the boys for this tour, like, what aligned in such a way that this match was made, because my general vibe on the crowd/his audience/etc was that we the fans of the nerdy white english mathy rocker guys were not exactly his demo LOL. BUT i will say in DC I do think he had one little pocket of strong-contingency fans because I kept hearing big whoops and cheers coming from one specific audience spot and I loved that for him lmao. for some reason i cannot explain I actually almost found his backing/support musician guy (the guy who was basically his version of peter) more compelling. I wanna know THAT dude's story lol.

so when he finished up we had a little interlude aaaannndd the setlist appeared... hehe. I could def have peered up to look at it from where I was, but I was telling myself I wanted to be surprised, and was deliberately looking away........ until suddenly everyone around me was gasping and going HOLY SHIT and I was like, ugghhh okay, I will check JUST enough to figure out what that's all about, and what that was all about was immediately apparent because smack in the middle of the set were a Man Alive track (which we never get in the states bar MY KZ) and something that just said "New Song." AND LIKE, OKAY, THAT'S A JUSTIFIED HOLY SHIT. new song????? so now we had THAT to contend with coming up, and aaaaaaah. ahh. yeah holy shit indeed.

it's also while we're standing there that AG pops into view, (or maybe I first spotted him during Pierre's set? Chronology is irrelevant), back off behind Becky from me in the other direction, and we waved over at him to say hi and he says to us, "All four of them are bleached blond." And my gut instinct was to be like, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, but also the truth in my heart was that there was absolutely no justification for not believing them, because of course they would, and sure enough these bozos roll out onto the stage and they are all four draco malfoy-ass bleach blond. God it looks a mess on Jeremy LOL and while the color/dye job wasn't bad on Alex, it was clear his finer hair wasn't holding up as well against the chemicals because it was just a fluffy riot mess. BUT GOD IT WAS REALLY SO INCREDIBLY STRIKING OF A VISUAL for them to be all be wearing all pure white/beige clothes and then to have this bleach-white hair and all of it catching and glowing under the stage lights... god... clearly the effect they were going for and it WORKED, IT REALLY DID. I think it looks so damn goofy (mostly on jez) out of context but it's ABSOLUTELY nailing the Everything Everything Gig Costumes energy/uniform thing that I felt like they'd drifted away from a little the past couple tour cycles, I'm so incredibly here for it

The set!!!! The gig!!!!!!! it wasn't a wildly different set from what we'd seen in CA last year, obviously RDF-heavy supplemented with a heaping helping of singles from the other albums too, but I remember thinking Leviathan and Pizza Boy were especially excellent aaaah. And Schoolin'! And the NEW SONG! The two pieces of it I IMMEDIATELY absorbed and retained were 'the image of a little yellow face to tell you that I'm sorry' and 'I love you like an atom bomb,' and I was spouting those two pieces back to anyone who wanted to talk to me about it for the rest of the night. I'm so lyrics-pilled/vocalist-biased. Which was.... Unfortunate, for this DC gig, because I do think the audio mix was pretty rough - at least from where we were standing so close to the front, I wonder if it was at least a tiny bit better further back into the crowd in the area the sound system was probably primarily calibrated for - and we were REALLY losing Jon in the mix, especially underneath how enthusiastically the crowd was singing along a lot of the time. We were on Jeremy's side of the stage and we were really just getting a LOT of Jeremy. (Which, the bass did sound absolutely fantastic, so hard to complain about that, at least, but still.) I was very thankful to be going to a few more gigs beyond this one so that this wasn't my only experience with it, especially New Song!!! Plus there were a bunch of other little tech difficulties too? Near the beginning of the new song, Jon's guitar strap came detached and wouldn't reconnect, and after struggling a bit with that he decided to just drift back and pass it off the stage to their tech guy--but he was still kind of singing/holding the mic, so as he moved on stage, the mic cable yanked the microphone stand straight over, too. Then the rest of the night that stand was pretty precarious and nearly fell two other times, only caught at the last minute by a true homie who was standing directly in front of it in the audience lmao. I think Becky yelled HIRE HIM! at one point. Annnnd also for like a whole verse of NOTLK jez's bass boards just kind of Gave Up. He tried switching to his other instrument but that wasn't working either, and then finally it all sort of came back online, so he played a little stretch with the wrong bass and then was able to switch back to the right bass when there was a lull in his part. SHAMBLES. lmfao. god it was a great gig though. SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK I LOVE BAND UWAAAAAHH I WAS SO SWEATY AND HAPPY

afterrrr da gig, we needed very badly to drink water and so we managed to do that I believe, and we kind of loitered in the Merch Line Situation trying to figure out what was going on. I had kind of resolved not to buy merch until at least NY, part because I really didn't want to be lugging anything around with me for too much of my trip (esp on this night where I walked) and part because I'd read a post that Irving Plaza was among the venues who'd committed to not taking a cut of band merch sales and letting them keep it all, and I was like, well obvi that's where I want to spend my money. Plus it was cash only in DC and since I'd kind of told myself NY I didn't even have cash out, so it was nothing. BUT!!! homie Adrian whomst I had met at the DC Foals show last December had been there, a few people ahead of me in the queue and also rocking out yaayyy, and he was trying to get merch but the ATM inside the venue literally did not have any more cash left inside it to dispense because everyone was taking out so much of it to buy merch AAAH. so he reached out to me like 'you're going to more shows than just this one right?' and asked if I'd pick him up the stuff he wanted later and then mail it to him so he didn't have to contend with international shipping and I was like aaaah absolutely! yay gig comradeship!

so I think becky finally committed to getting in the merch line and I was mostly just waiting With Becky and there weren't a ton of people left because the venue was trying to clear out, but the handful of us who were still there, a wild Alex Robertshaw appeared up near the stage/bar. we vibed out whether he was receptive to Fan Bothering at this time but it seemed legit, so a bunch of us went over and socialized with him and took some pics, got some signatures, etc, woooo. We tried to vibe out from him also if the other guys were gonna be coming out, and when and where, but y'all know Alex is the awkwardest member of this band by a country mile and we didn't really have too coherent of a discourse at this point in time lmao. Not sure who talked to him about what at this point as I was just trying to hold down the fort and be Normal. I was able to give Alex the bracelet I'd made for him at this point (he was so cute studying on it and reading it ahaha - "rave-- kevin-- kevins rave KEVIN'S RAVE" and he smiled and I felt cool), and also meanwhile Pete was still running around stage doing roadietech type stuff and I sort of politely flagged him down like "do what you need to do if you need to do it but also: Hi lol" and I got to give him his bracelet as well! yay ♥. He complimented my shirt--I'd been getting a lot of compliments on it honestly, it's their Yellow Bird Project shirt that Jon designed some time ago, only I replaced the plain white sleeves of the original unisex tee with some sort of vermilion "girly fit" sleeves that are more comfy to me and kind of give the shirt a different look haha--and I sort of joked on that, said as much, oh, I swapped the sleeves out, "It's to cover up how sweaty I get." and Pete gave me a deadpan look and went "You don't even want to go there with me" and I was like "YEP I FEEL MUCH THE SAME" and I think we both enjoyed a moment of feeling very Seen about the sweatiness hehehehehe. I love Pete he is my heckin Friend With no additional merch purchases (merchases) (hm, no) the venue was finally for realsies ejecting us so we drifted back out into the streets and just like... okay... now what........ this was the point at which I think our Band Groupie-ing Crew became me, Becky, Danielle in the fox ears/tail, and a lanky youth named S.P. whom I'd talked to in line earlier while doling out bracelets (he had the good E E baseball cap; he asked for an Arc bracelet and I commended him for being an Arc fan, since I feel like they are a dwindling/rarer breed, and then I offered up my hot take that Violent Sun is just the second coming and second pass at Duet, which he thought was spicy, and then he asked for my most controversial E E take and I told him that I don't really like Tin very much and he told me he doesn't really like Shark Week very much and we agreed to disagree and have a good night LOL) (anyway I digress !). It was a warm enough night and none of us really had places to be so we didn't mind just loitering and trying to suss out some more Guys other than just Alex and Pete, but slowly but surely we became basically the only fans left sticking it out. so we stuck together! We split up to try to find if there was a rear stage door at the back and SP and I went one way (the long way RIP) and Becky and Danielle went the other way and it turns out the way that SP and I went was an alleyway just FULL of rats. Too many rats in DC!! People like to talk about rats in NYC but I saw WAY more in Washington just vibing out on the sidewalks and eating trash. I'm not anti-rat, they live there and deserve to live, but oh man it was just. I did not especially want a rat encounter LOL. The rat alley DID actually lead us to where the bus was though!!, but there was also a venue security guy there who was immediately like "Nope, back up, leave, bye" and we were like. understood have a nice day, and doubled around a different way to meet back up with the other two. wwwwelp.

We loitered a bunch more and eventually saw Alex and his homies like, AT LEAST two more times, but we ultimately never saw anyone else. They p much confirmed for us that because this was the first night of the tour, they had a really intense load-out, and everyone was jetlagged to all fuck, that they probably wouldn't ever make it out, even though at least once Alex had said something ambiguous/optimistic enough to imply that they might yet, but really it just got SO late that we couldn't justify still being there for nothing instead of being like. asleep. lol. SP and Danielle got rideshares, Becky and I walked back as far as her hotel together, and then I hiked the rest of my way back too and went the fuck to SLEEP!!! FIRST GIG IN THE BOOKS!! WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT GOD IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SEEING THEM AGAIN ngl I think the blond is really attractive on Mike with his darker brows/beard and I'm always a sl*t for jonathan so like. beautiful. finally some delicious fucking food

it was super nice of my mom's friend to let me stay with him!!! I was so delighted to see his cats again, I remembered them from the last time I was there like six or so years ago, they're sooooo floofy and beautiful aahh. he also provided me with a white noise fan without me even asking which was SO choice. zzzzz. My plan was to get up in the morning, get coffee someplace nearby at wherever he recommended, and then hit the road forrrr... Philadelphia!!! Night two!!!! I got some breakfast tacos at a hella legit place, messed up my coffee/milk/sugar ratio ever so slightly but not in an undrinkable way, and then frickin. autobot rolled out. This drive was not bad at ALL, I timed it pretty much exactly like I planned it to, which was to: get to my friend's place where I was crashing in philly with, ideally, enough time to take a small nap before I had to do anything else, because, god, despite being pretty exhausted and sleeping okay on the nice guest bed in DC, I had BARELY slept the night before I left just from Travel Antsiness and from both staying up way later and waking up way earlier than I meant to unintentionally, and a second little recharge zzz before I went and did it all over again really hit the spot.

It was soooo nice to see Mads again and to see Mr. Angus and also meet BENNY!! More host cats!! They are suuuch silly good little lads, Mads and I had a ton of Kitty Chat and just vibing out and talking about concerts and fandom and stuff, I was so thankful she let me stay with her and getting to hang out was icing on the cake of this trip! She pointed me toward the trolley I'd need to take to get to the venue, and after my baby snzzz and drinking a ton of water and suiting up in my Arc-inspired look (literally just a sweatshirt dress I bought specifically because it was color-blocked very very much like the jackets/outfits they toured Arc in, I saw it and bought it immediately lmfao) I journeyed into the city, hoping to just find a place to eat in the vicinity of the gig! I was way closer up in the queue this time, the people in front of me were really just like.... the usual suspects, Annika+squad and David+squad (incl. Becky, who'd apparently already been there when I got there but wasn't there when I arrived), and also a super-nice woman immediately in front of me named Robin who I MEGA hit it off with!!! Hanging out with her was such an awesome part of my experience at this gig!!! she's COMPLETELY Offline which is so powerful for her but I hope there's some capacity in which we can continue to be friends because she ruled.

There was a Dominican(? I think) place like one block down from the venue where a couple in front of me had gotten some stuff and so I ran down there to snag food too and holy shit this man gave me so much goddamn food. Just a HUGE pile of rice and beans and some pork ribs, and I got a pineapple fanta, and I just popped a squat on the sidewalk and ate as much of it as I could which was probably not even half of what he gave me but it wasn't even that expensive so god bless. Once I wasn't dealing with my food sitch any more I was freed up to pass out a bunch of bracelets again, and I even got a couple more trades, one that was just a bunch of black beads and a bunch of Xs and one that says 'BUSSY' which I am elated about, thank you so fucking much lmao. Also someone offered to trade me an ibuprofen LOL and I was like no that's fine the bracelet can be free... for now, but I will keep that in mind if I change my mind later LOL aaahhh i was just so excited to give the bracelets out it was such a good vector for socializing and making Friends and Gig Buddies. I did learn p quickly at Philly that I should have made way more Man Alive, GTH, and Raw Data feel bracelets because those were basically the first to go every night and then I got stuck with just sad unloved Re-Animators and AFDs :( I was trying to like! do equal amounts of everything to give everything the love because I love them all! but people got favorites out there damn lmao. I was happy to be able to give Robin the MY KZ one because she said that's the first song she ever heard by them and it's special to her because of that (and then also it's been in the touring set and she got to hear them perform it too yay!!! I don't remember if she said she'd seen them before but it had just been a very very long time, or what, idk, aaaah).

We were R I G H T on the stage at this venue, slightly more to Alex's side this time, and the lip/rise of the stage was not very high at ALL and it felt almost like... intimidating, or like it shouldn't have been ALLOWED, for us to be that close to the stage. :flushed emoji: jeez lmao. I didn't fuck w merch here either but some people around me did I think and I held their spots, and a nice kid from right behind me in the queue brought me a Liquid Death which was so incredibly sweet. Pierre's set passed much as it had in DC, lmao; his other musician guy had a sweet fit on, though, this like two-piece set that was a really really dark/muted camo, a blazer over a black top and then matching like athleisure-fit pants and black boots, it was a fuckin look. They had a song at the very end of Pierre's Philly set that I don't think they'd done in DC (and that I didn't get in PGH either, it turned out), and ironically that was actually probably far and away the song of his I enjoyed the most, so I got kind of into it there at the end! but MAN was I ready to see the boys instead. hnnnn.

LADS SO CLOSE TO ME. JUST RIGHT THERE AND SINGING AND ROCKING. the set was aaaalmost exactly the same as DC, but in Philly they shifted Bad Friday up out of the encore and back into the set proper, and then replaced it in the encore with Violent Sun, which I admit I'd been bummed to not see in DC because I think the Violent Sun/No Reptiles encore double whammy is so incredibly crucial to the vibe. Warmed me to have it back in. Obviously Pittsburgh had so many other contributing factors that put it over the edge, but if it weren't for all of those, I think Philly would've been my favorite/best experience of these four gigs. Jon was spicy (he sang so many of the Original Rejected naughty lyrics, this is where we got 'he's a vegetable now' for the first and only time and also the only gig of the four where he leaned into the 'Arch Jeremy' gag in Arch Enemy, hehehehe, plus also motherfuckin' distant past which is not uncommon), and we got way more of the New Song-- through the whisper network of Becky, AG, David, etc., etc., we'd pieced together enough info to know by now that apparently the title of the song was in the lyrics of the chorus, and so I think it was in Philly that we all pretty much determined/decided that this was Cold Reactor. I love you like an atom bomb and I've become a cold reactor. I wasn't diving as DEEP into SONG DECIPHERING as some other folks were, but I did like kind of working on it at my own pace and absorbing it into my heart and my understanding of the band and what they're about to start doing, and so this was really great, for me, here, beautiful, beautiful. I took almost NO pics and vids at this one because my phone was kind of dying but also mostly just because I was honestly having such an enormously great time and I didn't feel the need to try to do anything other than be present in my body at the gig and experience it live. you KNOW?? LIKE!! MUSIC. man. EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention a small tech flub that was actually so charming, where near the very end of Arch Enemy jon seemed to be having trouble with his guitar board in the front, and he spent so long in the outro squinting down at it and trying to resolve the issue that he didn't fully come in on the It's time to show your face! bit at the proper time, and he ended up just saying "It's time to show your face." right into the mic very unaffected and straight-up in his regular speaking voice at the very, very end when the song was basically over. lol. he is cute. everyone is cute.

(I WILL ALSO SAY I got the giggles SO BAD at david and amanda's gudetama they slipped onto the stage, oh my god--I was going to take a joke video just dramatically zooming in on it, as one does, except right when I went to do that it got caught up in jon's mic cable and just TUMBLED AND JOSTLED ALL OVER THE PLACE and that fucking GOT me and I was DYING and it was right at like. the serious, heartstring-tugging, fuck-yeah parts of No Reptiles where I'm supposed to be at CHURCH and instead I'm losing my shit into hysterics over this poor gudetama just rolling everywhere alksdhjglaksd, I had to bury my face in Becky's shoulder for a measure or more and try to recover, oh my godddd. EGGS!) -- (OH ALSO I LMAO I HAVE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBER ~BITS THAT I AM DOING just like, clapping here or there, participating actively in certain parts of things, and one that I kept doing for some asshole clown reason was singing along with/lampshading Alex's quick backing vox on the second verse of Spring Sun Winter Dread-- Philly was probably the place where I was the most prominent/obvious/easy to see doing it, and it made both him and Jeremy REALLY snicker, ahahaha I'm sorryyyyyyy for being obnoxioussssss)

The merch/loitering sitch was sli-iiightly more locked down, in here; there was only so long Marty and I could pretend to be thinking about merch/hanging out with people who were actually in line but not actually being in line before they really truly wanted us to leave, and they were pretty pissed that I even left the venue with an empty/ice-only water cup, never mind any dreams of re-entry. The militant energy of the security at this venue compared to how relatively chill and normal DC had been (for two venues I would say of comparable size/seriousness) was def my least favorite part of the Philly experience. I was outside, finishing my water and chitchatting with some artsy youths who were also unimpressed with security, and Becky's messaging me like "they're in here!" and I'm like "well I'm not and I can't come back so you gotta tell them to come out here!" lmao. But they did!!! All the guys came out before too long and I very delightfully got to talk to everyone. I gave Mike and Jeremy the bracelets I'd made for them - THEY both apologized to ME outright for not coming out to chat the night before?? like hello you’re the band we’re the fans you don’t owe us anything - they kind of came toward my side of the door first, and talked and chatted some, vs Jon sort of peeling the other way to the other half of the loiterers - I honestly have lost track of the sequence of events here and what happened when, but it was largely unimportant hehe. (Gosh, but then I keep randomly remembering other unrelated details. Like, for example, Black Cat gave me their big ol' signature black cat hand stamp, and I'd been thinking, oh this will be fun to watch my four hand stamps stack from these four gigs, the way I got two together from The Altogether/Matt Duncan double feature back in July, and then Underground Arts put theirs on the INSIDE OF MY WRIST and not the back of my hand, and both Irving and T-Bird just did wristbands. BUMMER.) But mostly just Seeing Band, Talking To Band. This was when I overheard Alex definitely confirm to someone that the new song is called Cold Reactor, and he sort of half-seriously half-not said they just didn't call it that on the setlist in case there was another "New Song" they might want to decide to start playing there instead at the last minute, even though the longer this goes on the more confident we are that they're not going to do that and that Cold Reactor is gonna be a new single that probably drops once this tour is over <___< eyes emoji. Also, between Wednesday and Thursday we also knew that the bleach-blond hair is for Lore Reasons, which we assume are to do with Cold Reactor and the album it will be on, because of course it is. stupid. jonathan higgs I want to crawl inside your deranged pisces mind and meld with it vulcan style.

anyway, as far as my short term memory can be relied upon/will tell me is the truth, I think Jon was actually the last person I ended up in contact with on this night; I was drifting over toward him but someone else was still engaged in an active conversation with him, so I was like, well obviously I will wait my turn and let other people have jonathan time even though I'm the biggest jonathan girlie, I can just hang and go in when he frees up, and so I was turned slightly away from him listening in on other convos and talking to Becky and maybe Annika or a couple other people, and then suddenly there's a delicate hand on the back of my shoulder and Jon's right in my fucking ear ominously going "hello." askdjhgka. He was soooo cute and nice, I gave him the bracelet I made him as well (which was "I wanna be there" from Violent Sun and shades of re-animator orange) and he was immediately like Oh, of course you, are the bracelet distributor, and I was like hehehe yes, and he asked if I also had to do with the gudetama and I was like absolutely not I have no idea what is going on there lmfao. and I think amanda and david did take credit for it at that time of course so yes hehe. Ended up in a fun casual chitchat with Jon and Becky for most of the rest of the time here, with her trying to squeeze him for info about the new song and album and lore hehehe and him being his typical cryptic trolly cagey Jon, and it was all in incredibly good fun; he noticed her bracelet too, and she pointed it out like Yes I got the one that says This Is The Prophecy from big climb because it hearkens back to that bit they were doing on twitter from way before that song even came out so I gave her that one on purpose duh lol, and Jon says "Oooh yep I forgot about that. .. Album..." and mimed swiping his hair back like whoopsie lmao and it was such a silly little half-self-neg on Re-Animator lol, and so I said "WELP too bad! because the one I made from you is one of those too haha!" and he took another look at it as if to remind himself about it and then went "Well yeah that one's good" with a wryer wickeder laugh and I was like lmao tell us how you really feel. But like he's right violent sun is perfect and I actually labored so long over what I was going to have jon's say because he was the only person I didn't have a really solid concrete idea of what to make for and ALSO he was the only one I REALLY wanted to get PERFECT because it's important to me and yeah. so it was. reassuring for him to like the violent sun one. idk anyway.

The woman we'd seen running around doing a lot for them, including merch, who recognized us from DC the night before and was fun and glib about it, and who turns out to be: Tour Manager Sam, finally had enough of our fucking about and started very efficiently organizing us all into "everyone who wants a pic with themself + all four guys come get in Now and I'm gonna play photographer and then we all gotta go the fuck home" and I respected it SO much lmao, so we had sort of a rotating queue of group picture taking and then the guys all went back inside the venue (I kind of fingerguns'd Jon like "New York :D?" and he looked at me just SO Put Out and just deadpanned "Of course you're going to be there." of course!! lmfao) and we started talking amongst ourselves just out of reluctance to let the night end/social energy we still wanted to wallow in and that was cute and nice. I said goodbye to some folks who weren't going any further on the tour. I had such a wonderful night. Then, lo and behold, we turn around and Jeremy's up on the stoop of the venue, and he's like, I think I've locked myself out. I am locked out and I also don't have my phone on me. lmfao jez. he goes "I am going to blame jonathan" and we allowed him that. I was like, do you want me to TWEET AT SOMEONE LOL and he was like good god no they'll come back for me eventually, and then yes they did, and THEN we all left hahahaha. becky insisted on sticking with me part of the way to the trolley but I was like, it is coming in 14 minutes and it says it's gonna take me 12 minutes to get there I gotta GO!, and I freaking missed it anyway!!! and then I had to wait like OVER HALF AN HOUR MORE for the next one and i didn't even get ON the trolley till like 12:50 and it was soooo late before I was back at mads's place aiyaa. But, all in all, TRULY SUCH A GOOD NIGHT I JUST LOVE BEING IN AN ACTIVE BUZZY FANDOM SPACE AND MEETING FANS AND PARASOCIALING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND DOING ARTS N CRAFTS. you KNOW?? you know. you're on tumblr you get it.

The Philly to Jersey (pre-NYC) leg of my road tripping was set to be Thee shortest drive I had to make the whole time, so I let myself have time in the morning to keep snoozing and fucking about, even though I once again woke up way earlier than I'd hoped to and didn't ever make it back to sleep after that. But the tradeoff was still super nice and relaxing vibing with Madeline--I offered to buy her breakfast in exchange for the couch-crashin' and we got hella bagel sandwiches and cold brew from a place real close by her apartment, and scarfed 'em down while watching the most recent ep of Make Some Noise and just shooting the shit (again, largely about either fandom or kitty cats. We are simple folk). My sandwich contained salmon, a fried egg, and the most incredible sloppy caramelized onions, what a banger. The last truly good food I truly enjoyed before my mega super Travel Tummy set in and wrecked my whole shop metabolically speaking, rip. I took a little rinsy-rinse shower at her place too, and then finally made myself get up and Go to do the runaround silly business of driving to and parking in NJ, taking the ferry in to Manhattan, and then taking the subway to Allegra's place for NIGHT THREE IN NEW YORK CITY WOOOOO. I LOVE going to E E with Allegra!!!!! Once again I used her place primarily as a spot to change out of my car clothes and into my gig clothes (it's RDF night; I wore an oversized pale beige button-up shirt, actually left over from my Foals Antidotes costume from last halloween hahaha, gussied up with E E pins and jewelry) and to fuck about with bracelets. I made Allegra a special In Birdsong bracelet, the only one I did from that song :) because allegra is my special E E friend!! and she needs one of her special song!!! Fandom... is good. Allegra also had a kickass outfit. We stopped in at a tex-mex place she really wanted to try that was nearby the venue, and i got pretty nervous that it was gonna be a little late before doors for us to be hitting a sit-down dinner spot, but we rushed it along pretty well on the food and got our slice of dessert cake to go in a box and everything was A-OK. And I had time to hit a bodega for merch cash from the ATM and a pineapple soda for fortitude! let's GOOO irving plaza.

God, Irving was kind of a shitshow when it came to queuing and security though. There were a fair few people in line ahead of us, maybe just as many or slightly more than what I'd had in DC (definitely further back than Philly, although in line near us were the same also-eating-Dominican-food couple from the Philly gig, and I recognized them and was glad to see them again-- I FULLY DO NOT REMEMBER/DID NOT CATCH Y'ALL'S NAMES, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE BECAUSE WE HUNG OUT AND WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH, i am so sorryyyyy), but then because it's not a sweet local friendly indie venue but is in fact Livenation As Hell, there's some person affiliated with the venue wandering up front offering some sort of VIP/fast pass line experience where you can just cough up some extra cash and get in your own special line and get to go in first regardless of how long other people have been queuing--you know the deal. Wack as hell. I think David and Amanda opted for this in some capacity, so I was happy for them about it, but a lot of the other people who ended up doing it had kind of rancid vibes of just like "concert-going" and not the very lovely communal sardine megafan energy everyone else had had thusfar. Also it put us where we were at in the queue standing in a place that just had a really terrible smell of sewage, which persisted almost the entire time we were there only to suddenly be replaced by a very powerful smell of bleach, as if whatever it was was suddenly being cleaned/sanitized. ICKY!! Annika was enough further ahead of us in line that I thought it might have only been over where we were but she said no she was definitely getting it too. new york city babey

Bracelet distribution got a little silly here, too, since the queue was wrapping SO far back and was being policed a little more stringently, but I had kind of figured I may need some kind of additional plan, especially since I'd decided not to wear my fanny pack (bum bag--fanny pack, says Jonathan Higgs in a derisive American accent, even as he's telling me he likes mine a lot, skdjshgalkj smh) since my shorts under my shirt had really capacious pockets and that just made for one less thing to worry about--I snagged a sheet of paper at Allegra's place, along with a gallon-size ziploc bag, and I put all the bracelets in there with a note that said to just take one if you wanted one and pass it back through the queue while we waited. It was kind of a crapshoot how effective I thought this was going to be, especially since I had to kind of wait to deploy it once there was a substantial queue BUT by the time there was a big queue it meant that I couldn't see exactly HOW big from where I was near-ish enough to the front, so I didn't know how far the bag was going to make it, if someone was going to end up stuck with my whole big bag at the back of the line (esp since I had a fair number of extra Philly bracelets left over that I lumped in with the NYC ones just because I still Had them).... whew...! BUT by the time Marty was there, he was further enough back from me that I asked him to kind of check up on it when it made it to him and keep passing it; and, by the time we were going inside, I could see zero sign of the bag itself but I DID catch a lot of people milling around me wearing bracelets, and one or two of them did stop me to thank me (since I'd indicated on my note in the bag that I was the person with green hair hahaha), and then I never saw 'em again, so I guess it was a relative success!! Yayyyyy!! WAY less conducive to making New Line Friends than the DC/Philly setup had been, but incredibly effective at making sure that all my bracelets found new homes rather than me having to take a huge handful home with me again and them just sitting in my house forever LOL. success! :)

tl;dr about the bracelets. not important compared to concert and band. WE GO INSIDE!! They have such dumb security/bag check. a gender-split process where the men get patted down by a dude guard and the women get patted down by a lady guard? In TYOOL 2023? you hate to see it. She felt the Sharpie in my back pocket and made me take it out and surrender it???? MY METALLIC BRONZE SHARPIE ? ? no sharpies in the venue I guess. Talked to at least one other person who got sharpie-confiscated too, but also at least two people who fully didn't and still had markers just fine. Absolute shenanigans. Allegra and I didn't quite get barrier due in part to fastpass line nonsense but we did end up right exactly behind Annika &co. with perfect sightlines, once again stage-left/Jeremy-ward-of-center. we don't hate it! my Philly pals to my left with David, Becky et al in front of them. Me fully surrounded by redheads. LOL.

this was the laaaatest show of my whole run, a whole lot of standing around just waiting for Band, and also definitely the energy of "trying to politely vibe to pierre kwenders's set because he can clearly see me and look straight at me even though I would much rather just skip to the bit I actually came for and don't necessarily need to see his set" just slowly increasing every night RIP lol. BUT WE MADE IT! ohhhh new york. EXACT same set as Philly but I couldn't even be mad about it because I was still so grateful to get a Man Alive song that wasn't just MY KZ (not that I don't love my kz obviously, but it HAS been in the set literally all eight times that I have seen E E live as of this Irving Plaza gig, and something else from that album is fun fresh delicious) (OH, SWEET THREEP OF FRIDAY EVENING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and to be getting COLD REACTOR again, especially becaussseee by this point I knew just enough of the lyrics that I felt confident singing/mouthing along conspicuously with the parts that I Did know, aka I See You Sir I'm Doing The Thing Just Watch Me, god I wish I knew how to be not so fucking extra but then again no I don't. we did get saddled with some Rather Annoying audience members in our near vicinity--a couple I'd spotted in the fastpass line earlier wedged themselves hard between me and my tall redhead/mask-wearing homie from Philly, all like "ummm we're short :)" because they. were, but that didn't give them a right to be pushy and rude, and their vibes were kind of shit because the sense I got was they were mostly there because the girl really loved the band and the dude didn't know much about them at all, and also they were already drunk so early on in the set, and they were talking loudly with some other fans they'd just met and getting Lore™ explained to them and it was just a lot of. loud talking and shoving. in my vicinity. when I would have preferred for there to. not be. BUT Also materializing behind me was someone who said "I saw your bracelets on twitter do you still have any!!" and I had to be like UHHHH FUCK, NO, I turned them loose into the queue, did they not make it as far as you..?? and she sadly said no, and I was like, well the only one I have left is this one I just left on for tradesies/advertising purposes, and it says "akon in the butterfly house" so that's kind of a deep cut, if you're familiar-- and she went WAIT REALLY and seemed SUPER jazzed to get a Dave Sardine-ass bracelet and I was like OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, ACTUALLY, because I'd made four of these and I knew they were going to be the deepest cut/hardest sell and I was really really hoping that whoever ended up with them would actually get and appreciate them. so thank you, andrea, for being that person, and for appearing exactly when the bracelet needed it most. so glad to have hung with you this night. sorry that you too found yourself among the ranks of the sharpie-confiscatees.

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THAT, THIS AUDIENCE WAS FIRE AND THIS GIG SLAPPED. We were finally in a space and an environment that REALLY lent itself to the crowd actually full on bouncing/dancing instead of just kind of wobbling and vibing and everyone in my immediate zone was really going hard. I LOVE this fucking BAND. I love every song by this band. I love when Jon just points the mic at the crowd and the entire crowd sings the whole song word for word and note for note. I love that Jon was still desperately trying to cram the name of the host city into the start of My Kz, despite the fact that "Washington" subs for "Lucifer" perfectly (he has done this both times I've seen them in DC lol) but "Philadelphia" is WAY too stupid long and "New York City," while a syllable shorter, scans metrically in an extremely busted way and you could have just said EN WHY CEE or. y'know. lucifer. but okay man you do you. Jon was just as rowdy as the rest of us lmfao. he was like, climbing up and down off Mike's riser, he was finding people who were taking photos/videos and staring directly into their cameras (me fucking included--I'm sorry, Jon, you can't make eye contact with me while singing the "When I saw you, I fell in love" part of Leviathan, I am pretty sure that is illegal and a crime against my humanity), and basically all the tracks from Get To Heaven (plus like, Cough Cough and NOTLK) blew the fucking roof off the place. I think he donked some My Kz lyrics hehehe he just skipped to the alt lyrics of the chorus too early without completing the standard chorus first at the end, and a little flubbo in NOTLK and a tiny stutter in No Reptiles too, everyone was just TOO ROWDY and he's THROWN LOOPY and man did we not care. I said multiple times to people on this tour that pretty much the closest things I've ever experienced to true Religion are a) being in an E E audience for No Reptiles and b) being in a Hedwig audience for Midnight Radio. they're the same spiritually in my heart and also like do people who love Jesus feel this way and is this why. insane. the cult leader imagery was Not Wrong!!!!!

I wanna MERCH! I got in the line not too long after the show wrapped, but true to reports I'd heard about the pre-show merch line, it was moving verrryy slowly, with just one guy manning it who was not exactly quick and a card reader that seemed pretty chuggy too (but hey, at least NY was taking card). I'd known I wanted the poster--it's got my favorite neon orange on it, it really really slaps, and I wanted something to get signed--but I let myself talk myself into a t-shirt too, mostly because I was REALLY excited to buy E E merch apparel that wasn't black or white. Yellow!! a really freaking good yellow!! I wish the yellow ones had actually had the tour dates on them like the black and white ones did but the yellow branding has been pretty exclusive to this leg of tour (i.e. vs the red branding of the west coast one last year) and it looks soooo good with my hair that I don't especially mind. I also knew that Adrian wanted a copy of Caps Lock On, but that he also wanted a shirt, but I hadn't heard back from him about which shirt or what size so I just got the book and my stuff and then bounced. Communique from outside was that Alex had surfaced but no one else, but that Alex had promised appearances by the rest of them, but that also Alex was already gone and unlikely to return by the time I made it outside. I posted up with all my friends from inside, god this was SUCH a good sardine squad this night, and it took some waiting but eventually the promises came true! All the other boys surfaced and we had some REALLY great fan chats and mingling this tiimmmmee. oh my gosh. A guy came with a Modern Bison CD that Jon and Jeremy were really truly overjoyed to see and to sign and take pictures with; I talked to Jeremy about the bracelets some more because he'd been wearing the one I gave him the WHOLE GIG IN NEW YORK SO LIKE THAT'S GONNA BE IN ANY PHOTOS THAT WERE TAKEN PROFESSIONALLY SPEAKING, oh my gosshhh, he was so nice about it and enjoyed that his Arch Jeremy matched my Arch Emily, the vibes were impeccable; and then I got everyone to sign my poster, but of course Alex was gone already, so Jon offers to forge Alex's signature and goes "look it's like this" and draws some loopy scribble on there and I'm like, lmao, sure.

thing was... I had absolutely heard Jeremy signing something for someone else the night before talking about how he was getting really good at forging Alex's signature for him, since I guess it's normal for him to be the one that disappears the sneakiest (god he really is just the Justin Craig of this band, it's 1:1, huh), and so when I told Jeremy this, he was like "I'll do it" and I was like "no Jon did already do it" and he was going to just leave it then, like, oh, well, okay, but then he saw the mess Jon had made and he was like "--that's quite dreadful actually-- the trick is to not overthink it--" and so now my poster has two forged Alex Robertshaw signatures and zero authentic ones. l m f a o. (To be fair, I do have other things they've all four signed, and Jeremy's fake Alex is at least passable, and Jon's fake Alex is Absolute Dogshit Nothing. I am obsessed.) I even got Peter to sign! He was talking with another fan about a gift she'd given them in the past that had sadly been part of what they lost in their studio fire, it was really heartbreaking to hear. He also thanked me again for his bracelet and told me he planned to give it to his daughter and that she would love it. We took a pic together! Pete the GOAT.

While I was making the rounds with the other boys and other fans, Allegra mostly in tow, swapping sharpies among those of us who still had them, Becky was back with Jon, taking a couple videos for people who weren't there in NY to talk about stuff that they were curious about--I think in the context of Maria, Becky said something like, she thinks the hair is crazy, and Jon said into the camera something like, "If you think it's crazy Now, give it like two or three more weeks, and you're really gonna think it's crazy." SIR WHAT. If the blond is a precursor to something else happening I'm gonna be so the opposite of normal about it, and if the bleach is a stepping stone toward the boys dyeing their hair Other colors I am going to be PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT, AND IF ANY MEMBER OF THE MANCUNIAN ROCK BAND EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAS THEIR HAIR DYED GREEN ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE. tyler the creator unfollow me right now etc. etc. etc. The more I've thought about it I don't THINK this is what's up--my sense is that any Cold Reactor music video is probably already filmed and ready to drop alongside the single pretty quick after the tour ends, rather than being something they're going to film/put together entirely post-tour, so they probably needed the bleachblond for some energy similar to how I felt about them when they first walked on stage in DC, but Oh man...... OH MAN............ I digress. anyway.

following up from that, Allegra (I think? Or maybe still Becky and allegra was just Present) addressed the notion of the hair being related to the Lore, and like, did that mean lore for the single/the upcoming album ? ? which was what we were assuming, and Jon said some demented and ominous and extremely exciting phrase like, "The lore for this one is.... b o t t o m l e s s" in his always-startling real deep Jon voice, and that was the fucking sound bite of the evening, folks. FOLKS. ALLEGRA AND I WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT JUST CONTINUALLY SAYING "THE LORE IS BOTTOMLESS!" my body is so god damn ready.

We bid farewells to all our friends for whom NYC was their final stop on this tour!! SAD!!!!!! Going to miss all the homies T___T it's not fair that we're not just all going to every single stop on this tour I don't think? it should actually be illegal for us not to be present when the band is performing?? the hugest RIP. Hugs exchanged all around. Me trying to say bye to Jon but he's engaged with someone else so I think I just awkwardly said "See you tomorrow" twice and then we left. becky maaaybe trying to last minute scramble to also come to pgh now despite not really having accounted for it in her plans originally ? ? I was not certain what she intended here but I supported her. yes. me, annika and AG for sure being there at least. we ride. Back to allegra's where I did, unfortunately, sleep ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY/BASICALLY NOT AT ALL due to being so hot and stuffy in my little nest on the floor that it was making me nauseated, I think I got maybe 2.5 hours tops, but I didn't really have a choice because if I wanted to be back home in time to do ANYTHING other than just rock straight over to the queue for Thunderbird then I knew I was going to have to leave so GOD DAMN early in the morning to haul ass back to where my car was and then drive the seven hours to pgh. But I did exactly that!!!! bitch!!!!! Other than some issues like, managing to make a timely pit stop for gas/potty/coffee, I endured the miserable long roadtrip despite myself, raging my way through the poconos, downing the largest cold brew Wawa would sell me, having a truly tragic car vs quesadilla incident, etc. My BFF Francis even got on the phone with me for the last hour or so and we chatted and I got to give them the whole update on the tour thus far, so fun! They MIGHT try to go to the Chicago stop next week!!! if they feel like they can swing it, and I was like ok no pressure but also it's been an extraordinary experience for me thusfar and I highly recommend. So if you see Francis at E E Chicago please holler at them kindly from me!!! :) But at the very least they said they did want a T-shirt and venmo'd me money to buy them one, since I was already still gonna have to get one for Adrian. woooooo

I got home with, yeah, basically exactly enough time to shower, get my outfit together, and regroup before heading to the venue !!! I JUST BARELY missed the bus that would've gotten me there the most promptly, largely due to not being able to find another fucking Sharpie since irving plaza took my first one lmfao, and it ended up being quicker to walk there than to wait the 36 minutes it would've been for another bus or whatever. I still had MEGA travel tummy so I just snagged an apple and scarfed it down on the walk over. Annika was already there queuing! so we hung out in line together and waited and drank the waters we had definitely brought in from outside the bar and just vibed lol. and she was like, I heard them checking two new songs that haven't been in the setlist yet, and I was like ha ha lol like what, and she said, kevin's car and leave the engine room.

and listen, I was optimistic. that my social media obnoxiousness and well-known, easily observable public desires might yet sway them, because come on it's my hometown and it's the last show i'm gonna see on this tour and I sent them donuts, and those were MEANT as a KINDNESS and an ENTHUSIASM FOR DONUTS and not as a bribe, but if anyone wanted to interpret them as a bribe anyway whomst was I to say no, but like. just because I want the band i like to do a thing absolutely does not mean that they have to fucking do it. I want to be crystal clear that i have never at any point EXPECTED them to do this. i just. hoped. yearned in my heart of hearts. and also had very sound rationale for how possible/likely it was. Here's How Engie Room Can Still Win. yfm. but the soundcheck all but confirmed it in my soul for me. and I was like... glad, that she'd been there and caught it and could tell me about it, because it gave me time to like, come to terms with the reality of it, emotionally. AAH. AAAAAHHH, OKAY. BITCH, PLIABLE HEAD, IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

we lingered and watched the queue form behind us-- I spotted a kid I'd seen at the Philly show, god bless. Everywhere we turn, repeat customers. I was telling my work friend today, I feel like the US fanbase for E E is significantly smaller than the UK audience, but we make up for it in that we go fucking hard. Every US fan is a superfan. there are no half-assed american sardines. and that has been so BEAUTIFUL and means the WORLD to me to be sharing it with the other ones of you. Bracelet sharing rocked at this gig!! I had exactly as many as I'd set aside for Pittsburgh and no more, since all my spares had evaporated up at Irving, A new person ALSO HAD BRACELETS!!! LIKE, for realsies Made For Trading At This Show Specifically bracelets, it was suuuuch a delight, so in addition to my eclectic collection from the previous gigs I now also have one that says RAW DATA FEEL with some truly choice glow in the dark bric-a-brac on there as well, and my heart was so warm aaaaaah. fwiendship :) Also spotted in the pre-doors queue were the Pizza Boy costumed guy and a woman I met at Foals in 2019?? who I guess automatically recognizes me because of the green hair, but just. omg. the community!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!

There was a slight will-call kerfuffle that nevertheless did not stop me from being dead center dead at the front right in front of where jonathan's mic was destined to be, and I was like. god. here we go. the home stretch. This was ABSOLUTELY the WORST place to be to be pretending to be interested in pierre's set, because he kept looking straight at me and dog I gotta admit four shows in I was feeling pretty tired. like, the energy of E E Itself was going to fully reinvigorate me, but nearly everything else on the planet was like totally disinteresting and I wasn't really up for it, especially when it's my semi-sex-repulsed ace-spectrum ass being just really put off by the suggestive gyrations of a performer that is not to my tastes. UM SORRY BYE HAHA. they didn't even play the one song I kind of liked. I managed to miss like two and a half songs of his set being still locked in the merch line at least lmao. literally WHILE I WAS STANDING IN THE MERCH LINE they sold out of the yellow shirt and I couldn't get me and francis matchies so I had to get them the black instead :( but thankfully they still had the one Adrian wanted because idk what I would have done if I had to scramble for a plan B with him on short notice haha. and I had EXACTLY enough cash for the two shirts left from the day before and I was paying Tour Manager Sam with it like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this is like my sweaty pocket cash from last night this is kinda gross and she was just like, No actually that's honestly exactly how I've been rolling as well and it is kind of gross so like agreed hahaha. She's the best. Idk how long she'll be tenured to them but I'd love to see her continue to exist in like their coterie moving forward. impeccable vibes.

also used merch waiting as a way to distribute more bracelets and get a drink of water! WOOHOO NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE MY COMMUNION THANK YOU. they put the setlists down and there was a very small fraction of me that wanted to avert my eyes but like I. I had to know. and annika said yes there are new songs in the list. and I peered into the list and my song was there.

hey guys. hey guys? look, this was for me. I have to be honest with you. i manifested this. by being annoying on twitter. by being god's specialest costume-making donut-gifting bracelet-slinging weirdo. I'm owning it and it's mine. I was exactly EXACTLY right with "well, if they put Engine Room in they'll probably take Leviathan out, because they'd kind of fill the same role of slow moody song in the set, and then they'll probably swap in a different non-Man Alive song to compensate for Engine Room being there instead," and this is exactly what happened, and so then not only did I get Engine Room but I also got REGRET, WHICH IS ALSO AN EMILY THREEPWILLOW PLIABLE HEAD SONG, BECAUSE HERE THESE NERDLORD KINGSHIT BANDBOYS ARE IN MY GODDAMN BACK YARD, they're in my house and god it took me the whole fucking set up to then to just prepare, like I had to try not to think about it so I could enjoy what was right in front of me. God it was so fucking, fucking good. our position along the stage had Alex's stuff REALLY forward in the mix which was kind of new for me, but jon was just right there and every time I lifted my hands to dance and to yearn it was like, the only thing stopping me from touching you is my own sense of propriety and not any kind of physical barrier or distance, and the person immediately behind me was seeing the band for the first time and felt similarly about NOTLK as I did to Engine Room and those two songs were literally back to back in the set so we kind of screamed and cried and died together, I gave her a huge hug, and LOL SORRY NOT SORRY THAT I GOT MY KZ AND LEVIATHAN TAKEN OUT OF THE SETLIST FOR Y'ALL, PITTSBURGH, I DO FEEL KIND OF BAD BUT THIS WAS UMMM IMPORTANT TO ME, THANK YOU, goodbye. goodbye I left the planet. I thought I was going to cry and I nearly did but I didn't, but I did actually maybe start hyperventilating. like I'm glad I knew it was coming ahead of time because if it had been a full surprise I think whatever was happening to my lungs would have been exponentially worse and I may have even fainted.

(which, btw: jonathan. jon. when he came out on stage, he almost immediately got his mic cable caught on the edge of where his setlist was taped down, and in jerking it around, he whipped the setlist up off the floor and way upstage toward where Pete was; when he finally put it to rights and taped it back down, he just left it where it was at, far enough away from me that I definitely could not read it anymore; and like DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE? TO MOVE IT OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT, TO MAYBE KEEP ME FROM READING IT? SURELY YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I'D ALREADY SEEN IT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO. NICE TRY BUT IT'S TOO LATE I SAW EVERYTHING. i love him. i'm in physical pain.)

knowing this was my final one, I went so, so, incredibly hard, I let myself dance and mosh and scream and take way more pics and videos than I had before, I leaned on the lip of the stage, I had an absolute fucking blast. When the set was over a few other people who were more strategically positioned (i.e. people who had not had their most easily accessible setlists unceremoniously yoinked several feet away) snatched up the closest ones way quick; there was a general tension in the crowd at being able to see jon's, but it being further away out of reach, and one ballsy-ass kid (the "Kevin" person who'd accompanied the pizza boy person) actually clambored up onto the stage and ninja'd over and took it for himself, which inspired two copycats to do the same for some discarded guitar picks (and all of which definitely provoked a very loud, unimpressed, authoritative barking of "HEY!!!" from some security somewhere, like, they definitely shouldn't have done that!! yikes!!!!). I, instead, very patiently waited for an opportune moment to get the attention of their short king guitar tech as he was running around doing teardown, and someone else flagged him first and got pete's setlist, and in my final moments I got him to get me mike's. Gang, I'm gonna be real with you, I was not leaving my Pittsburgh hometown show in which they played Leave The fucking Engine Room without a setlist. there would've been blood or at the very least tears. so like. thank god lmao. Satisfied, we got some water and then headed out!!!

It was a long, chilly wait for the boys outside--god, the chilliness was REFRESHING, though, it's October for crying out loud, and DC and Philly and NY had all been muggy sweaty hot with no need for even long pants, much less a jacket, but I was glad I'd had the forethought to wear my flannel around my waist to cover up the YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT printed around the ass of my shorts on my walk over to deter questions, lmfao. We easily identified the spot on the side of the venue where we assumed the guys were coming out, it was all just a matter of time. (AG and I getting some confusing-to-parse messages from Becky? Idk my phone was SUPER dying so I was trying to leave it on airplane as much as possible, I didn't even make it to the end of the night, RIP needing to use my map all day in the car and even with it plugged in spending more than I was juicing of the battery. Listen i needed PICS and VIDEOS!!) I saw Jon first, and he almost looked past me before spotting me there because I was pretty close to the corner of the block, and I just stared at him, and said, May I hug you. and he said, of course! and I hugged him so long and so hard just like, thank you, I was extremely emotional then and I'm also getting extremely emotional now just typing about it, and he was like omg haha what for? Coming to your town? and I was like coming to my town and playing my SONG!!! And then he said something with the tone of a snarky teasy joke but that was like flusteringly truthful underneath about them legitimately rearranging the set quite a lot for me, and I have not stopped screaming internally since then, and Jeremy joked that I'd just seen the exact same set three times and they felt they ought to give me at least something new ha ha ha but like it wasn't entirely a joke, and I just don't even know how to process this. i am perishèd in the soil. anyhow.

I wanted both my setlist and my Supernormal EP vinyl signed by all the boys, and I managed this with relatively little doing ("A deep cut!" jeremy remarks of the supernormal, haha), but I didn't want to be crowding them and getting in the way of other people getting lad time, so I kind of took a backseat and just talked when the time was right, but Jon did kind of keep wanting to talk to me. We talked about the new song, and we talked about the donuts I sent over--oh my GOD, because I was like, they're from that place over there, you can see the big neon donut sign from here! haha, and he was like dyou know what, I knew that's where they were from, because I went over there earlier in the day and got one for myself, I got a huckleberry one and I came back with it and everyone was like, what's that, they were very jealous, and then not too long after that this box of loads of them just shows up-- And like I am a donut fairy psychic wizard. Also everyone who is ever in Pittsburgh should go to Oliver's donuts and eat their fabulously good products. I will shill for them literally any day of the week. This is the second band I have given Oliver's to this year. I cannot be stopped. ANYWAY. i honestly almost could have written that prediction on an envelope and sealed it, that they'd end up wandering in there on their own only for me to send them some too. i was so tickled that jon got the huckleberry one because it's their signature flavor and it's SO PINK and allegra and I had just decided the night before that jon higgs is hot pink coded. like, in the universe where they are dyeing their hair multicolors for the lore. anyhow. it's good shit.

i had SO much fun after this show, even though it was so chilly and dark and we were scrungling around on a literal street corner outside a wine and spirits store, I was like holding people's things so they could get pics and signatures, I was showing off my supernormal booty shorts, I was talking to Jon about lore----- ohhh, my god, I had exactly two bracelets left when the night was over, literally the end of my stash, and it was one Final Form FIRST BODY LAST BODY that I said, y'know, I'm going to save this for my bestie francis when I send them the shirt, because that's the lyric I wanna get a tattoo of, and it'll match with my PLIABLE HEAD bracelet, and it'll be another sort of besties matching thing; and my one lone AKON IN THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE bracelet that remained, where I'd kind of said, well, if this one doesn't find the right home tonight, then at the end of the night I'm going to give it to Jon too. So I dug in my bag and passed it off, and he was like "what does this one say.... kon... Akon... Akon in the house--what is--OH AND THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTERFLY ON THERE, God--" and he was GRINNING and he was SO TICKLED BY IT and Jez chimed in with just like "The attention to detail--" and Jon was like "this is my favorite one actually," he LOVED IT AND I WAS SO CHARMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, and then he offered me up something like "you kno-ow, this, the song, of this, there's actually a reference to it in something, something you've never heard-- and--that you never will," doing his cryptic Jon troll grin, "the one thing that didn't make it," with the implied end of that sentence being "onto the album," and 'album' in this case being implied to be Raw Data Feel, which they have very publicly said that for once was an album where they just put everything on and didn't cull any songs or reserve any bonus tracks to release later or whatever. So I said, "Oh, from the one that we've been told had no cuts...?" also not explicitly saying RDF, and his answer to that was vague/nondescript enough but was probably an affirmative, but then he did follow that up with "that's lore that's SO far down the line, WAY WAY out there," and god, just, how deep does this man's brain and nonsense even fucking go. how far into the future is there LORE. BOTTOMLESS!!! I am obsessed with him. i cannot stress enough how blorbo he is to me.

The shorts came back up in conversation too ("Sorry, let me just look quite closely at your ass for a moment--" "It's okay, the shorts are designed that way--") and him saying, yeah, we do talk about some of the costumes still, and then segueing into asking if I had plans for this year and what I was doing, and I said, maybe, I'm not sure if I want to tell you, and he said, Is it to do with us, and I said, Neither confirm nor deny, and he said, Well if it's not, then, I want to know, with kind of a 'duh' tone ahahaha because like true there would be no reason to be coy if it was nothing to do with E E at all, and I explained that like I kind of have to have two costumes ("of course you do."), WELL because y'know the E E ones don't really play to or land with the general populace (a very cheeky "No!") so I have, just, one that's for going to parties, and one that's for fucking around on the internet. He seemed to find that acceptable hahaha.

Anyway what I REALLY wanted with wearing the Supernormal shorts was a group pic of all five of us normal frontways, and then a group pic of all five of us facing backward/ass to the camera a la the picture of them outside the White House, where you could see the goof of my shorts but also all of their butts, but this was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER TO DO when it was so dark that phone cameras were taking everything long-exposure, and also they'd all had just enough beer to not really be following on what the bit was. Absolute shit results on the backwards pic because I couldn't, y'know, see to coordinate it, because I had my back turned. (Me yelling, "Not just MY butt, EVERYONE'S butts, come on!!" into the streets of Lawrenceville.) Utter failure. Didn't care. I love these fucking guys. The vibe was finally kind of winding down, closing-time energy, the guys still had to get on the bus to Boston right away even with tomorrow being their day off, it was a Boston day off and not a Pittsburgh day off where I could offer them free ice cream sadly, so they all sort of bowed sweetly out. Jon gave me his like, I Am Part Of The Band clearance ID badge from the venue, kind of out of nowhere, he was like "sorry this is all I have to give you, it's the least I could do," and I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME SO M-- YOU COULD DO WAY LESS ??? but I guess now I have that, too. I tried to give him the King Of Oil sign from my fatberg costume, which I'd initially brought because I thought it would be a fun photo taking prop but the photo situation was the aforementioned disaster so that never really came to any fruition at all, so I was just going to gift it to them, and he said "My suitcase is already so full of so much random shit-- that you've given us--" and then right as he was leaving he just said "Thank you for being such a weirdo" with a voice full of all the kindness and affection in the world and I just yelled "ANY TIME!!" and then oh so tragically the night had to be over.

it's been nice, though, because I'm so used to driving the long drive home at the end of an adventure and having that signify the end, of getting to the end of the car ride and having nothing beyond that but the rest of my regular life; and this time, I drove all the way home, but when I got there, the adventure was still happening, right in my neighborhood, right down the street, and all I had to do was walk back home alone in the dark and climb into my own bed at the end of a long and beautiful night. i can already tell that this is going to be one of my most special memories basically forever, and now every time I drive or ride the bus to and from work each day I will be passing by the place where Everything Everything performed Leave The Engine Room for me, and that's so profoundly special that I don't even have words to describe it. I love this band, I love the people in it and I love the people its gravity pulls in to orbit around it, I'm just so goddamn happy. I don't even know what to say or how to end this.

[campgender]

So I say this with all the love and respect in my heart- I understand you feeling isolated or othered by people saying “men dni” on posts/blogs that you relate to, but fairly regularly complaining about it publicly from the standpoint of the man who is being asked to not interact, has a very “not all men” smell to it that makes it hard to like, empathize with the very real issues underneath this particular phenomenon. Also, in a very real moment of honesty, I think you know that you- tme bigender high femme fagdyke- are not the man in question that women don’t want to interact with. I don’t mean for this to come across aggressive or insincere, I just think it might be beneficial for you to reframe how you’ve been thinking about this issue, and it might help you feel less targeted by other queer people who are not trying to attack you.

wait, so i am a real man when it’s sexist of me to complain, but i’m not the real man they mean so the exclusionism i’m complaining about isn’t actually affecting me anyway? okay, got it: my gender is whatever gets me to shut up fastest.

speaking of my silence i’m very fascinated by your definition of ‘fairly regular’ since to my knowledge i’ve made 5 posts in the past 3 months that even reference this phenomenon, all of which except the ask meme response i posted yesterday are & have been unrebloggable due to my rampant fear of being accused of this very bullshit for so much as glancing in the direction of my own experiences!

if you last read those posts when they were made then it makes sense why you wouldn’t remember what i said in the longest of those, back on march 10 (link):

To Be Clear. my issue is not with people having certain boundaries, even when i disagree with the political implications! but i have had the tags “#men dni” and “#men do not interact” and “#men don’t interact” filtered for years, and i have the text “men dni” and “men do not interact” and “men don’t interact” filtered even though tumblr’s filtering system means that also blocks posts that are specifying something like “cishet men” (or even, occasionally, “i’m a man, men dni blogs don’t rb”), unnecessarily blocking posts people would’ve been fine with / happy about me engaging with, out of an abundance of goddamn fucking caution but apparently the burden remains on me to check individual bios before liking + reblogging a post every time i think the op might potentially be expecting me to self-gatekeep out of it.

but of course as you’ve so kindly pointed out the expectation to self-gatekeep is all in my head! never mind how many people reblog my femme posts with a cool url or insightful tags whose blog when i check it out specifically says something to the effect of “trans men this means you too” after their men dni policy. but since i obviously haven’t been thorough enough in my brief sporadic generally filter-tagged vent posts, let me be perfectly clear:

while i may feel a twinge of disappointment over a femme gender meme & frustration over a butch positivity post created by blogs with ‘men dni’ policies, my core issue here is blogs that self-brand as femme/queer/dyke/whatever archivists who are expecting me to gatekeep my access to my own history. that is why i started reading full texts myself & that is why i post excerpts anyone can reblog & that is why my tumblr has been left to run her queue for days at a time while i try to resolidify myself in the arguments of four decades ago instead.

so thank you for the reminder that no amount of self-censorship is enough 💖 i’ll try harder to stop playing this rigged game 💖

[redthesizeshifter]

The Conract - Chapter 2

Hello, peeps! I am once again back with Chapter 2 of this origin story for my OCs! Welcome back, in case you have read Chapter 1, in case you haven't do check it out on my profile. (If you're too lazy here is Chapter 1 and here is Chapter 1.5)

This one is a bit more spicy so minors get outta here! I would like to thank everyone who has liked and read my stories so far and there are more coming on the way! Do let me know how you feel about this story in the notes below!

Enjoy~

Before he could realize what he had done in horror, he felt himself fall down through the air, now reduced to being about 3 inches tall, his clothes and suitcase now falling to the ground. He saw the cold concrete under him and braced himself for impact, but it never came. Instead, he felt warmth all around him, enveloping him firmly as he was pressed onto something soft. He opened his eyes, and on queue, he saw the palm that had caught him slowly open, revealing his tiny naked form to the giantess that held him. Eva´s face looked down at him with… a lot of emotions. Mainly confusion, followed by horror, then by more confusion, embarrassment, and then more confusion, but suddenly her face contorted to one of concern.

If Eliot´s heart was pounding before now it was practically replicating the scene from Alien. The look on Eliot´s face was of pure horror. He clutched his chest and slowly started to back up, holding one arm out as if that would protect him in any way.

“P-Please don’t hurt me! I-I…!” Eliot practically shrieked at the giantess holding him.

He was on the verge of tears. How could he have been so careless?! To let himself go so far?! Now he was at the mercy of this human, it was over, he was going to get thrown into the sewers, to the police or government for studying, or worse… tortured by her. Tears ran down his cheeks as he couldn’t believe the situation, he had put himself in. Slowly a giant hand began to descend upon him, and he covered his face. This was it. He braced for the worst. He felt a giant finger part his arms so it could touch his cheek gently, he was made to look up at the giantess as he cried in fear, but instead of finding a devilish smile or an intimidating presence, he saw Eva´s concerned look. Her natural protective instinct kicked into overdrive as she tried to calm the tiny Eliot down.

“Eliot? A-Are you okay? Am sorry I frightened you, please don’t be scared.”

Her tone of voice had gone from a velvety, and fun tone to a concerned and protective tone as she looked down at him in her palm. She waddled over to a nearby bench and held Eliot delicately on both her palms. Her drunken stupor had spared her of any strong emotions concerning his size change but still, she was amazed and worried at this sudden revelation. Eliot couldn’t speak for the longest time which prompted Eva to initiate the talking. She cleared her throat and began to speak, parting her hair from her eyes.

“Are you hurt? Do you feel pain anywhere? Am I causing pain to you?” She asked seriously, trying to see if she could help Eliot out with him being so small.

Eliot didn´t react at first, his heart pounding with fear as she looked down at him. Slowly he began to regain his own composure and nodded slowly up at the giantess above him. The small movement of his head made her heart flutter slightly, it was cute seeing such a small being nod at you, she stopped herself from saying this and focused, as best she could, on the task at hand.

“Is there anything you want me to do to help you feel more comfortable?”

Eliot looked around them and saw they were still on the street, the only thing was that they were now sitting on a bench, or rather she was, and he was sitting on her cupped palms. He gathered the strength to speak up again.

“N-No, you´re doing great. Uhm… aren’t you surprised about this?”

Eva´s lips pressed together and her eyes widened slightly as she bopped her head side to side slightly.

“Y-Yeah… definitely not something that happens all the time, I-I think it’s the alcohol helping me out right now… I´ll be fine… I think”

Eliot huffed in disbelief and shook his head as he looked down at himself. He was naked. He quickly covered himself up by pulling his knees to his chest as he covered his crotch. The action made Eva laugh out loud in the night which made Eliot blush deeply and shrink another inch in height.

“I-Its not funny!” he would blurt out smaller now

Eva noticed he shrunk even further and stopped laughing, covering her mouth with one hand.

“Sorry! W-Was it my laugh? I knew my laugh had something wrong with it…”

Eliot looked up confused at her for a second and now it was his turn to laugh at her.

“No, you big dummy! You just made me a bit flustered that’s all…”

Eva raised an eyebrow and smiled smugly down at him, once again.

“Awww, the widdle cutie is getting fwustered?” She teased as she began to poke his body with a teasing smile.

“H-Hey! Careful with where you’re poking, Gulliver” He answered as she poked his small body. Eva couldn’t help but giggle drunkenly as she put a finger beside his cheek, rubbing it sweetly.

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you were real, this feels… surreal,” She said with a more understanding tone

Eliot nodded understandingly as he still held his knees against his chest, looking around for a bit. He decided it was time to tell her more about his shrinking.

“I uhm… I can shrink… not always on command but I can. It triggers when am feeling a very strong emotion like being scared, flustered, stressed… loving…” Eliot admitted sitting down on her palm while letting his cheek rest on his open palm, looking away.

Eva focused on him as much as she could and nodded as he explained. Suddenly she heard the word "love" and her face blushed slightly, a soft smile on her face.

“Love? Did… Did someone love hanging out with me today?” She teased with her signature velvety low voice as she realized why he had shrunk.

Eliot’s hair stood up as he quickly turned to face the giantess. He didn’t know if it was the cold or her question but either way, he felt embarrassed. His face was completely flushed as he tried to change what he had just said.

“WAIT! NONO! THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT! I mean I did like our date, and how cute you were but no! I didn’t-“

“You loooooved that kiss didn’t you, short stuff?” She teased again as Eliot’s blush became more apparent, crossing his arms and spinning slightly to look away. She could see how he dwindled just a bit, enough for her to notice again.

“Awww, don’t be like that, honey. I also really enjoyed kissing your dumb dorky face” She cooed as she neared his body and kissed his exposed back teasingly. Before her lips touched his back, she spotted something that resembled a scar tracing all the way from the base of his neck to the base of his back. It had a very particular shape… like a curved line. Her lips touched his bare skin, and to her surprise, it felt like kissing an ice cube, pulling her out of her train of thought for a moment as she pulled back her lips.

“Wait, Eliot, you’re freezing cold… Eliot?” She shook Eliot a bit with her finger and he slumped over, shivering. She panicked and looked around for places to put him. His limp body was breathing rapidly and shivering as she looked down at her chest. Was this really the only option? The ONLY one? Gah fuck it. She sighed as she opened the neck of her sweater and dropped him down onto her cleavage, then closed the opening. She shivered a bit as she felt the tiny ice cube against her warm skin and nodded to herself as she needed to get home as soon as possible. She turned to see Eliot’s suitcase and clothes on the ground and quickly grabbed them before making her way back home.

…

Eliot’s tiny form slumped over after he had lost consciousness. He was so cold. So stiff from the cool air and being naked on a cold winter night, plus being small made his body temperature a bit wonky. He wanted to tell Eva about him starting to lose consciousness, but the cold had taken him by surprise. Then it all went dark.

Suddenly he felt warmth all around him and the beating of a drum. Or was it a heart maybe? The rhythm was familiar to him, though. He tried to open his eyes. Slowly they parted as all he saw was darkness and then slowly his eyes started to get accustomed to the light. He was inside a warm musky room. The walls around him were kind of see-through. He squinted a bit and looked down on the soft mounds that he was sitting on. They seemed like, breasts? Oh. He realized exactly where he was. His heart started to flutter as he pressed his hands down on Eva´s boobs. He had a goofy smile across his face as he closed his hands down on her soft perfumed skin. He shifted a bit so he could be lodged between her soft mounds and closed his eyes again, resting for now. He could get used to this.

…

As Eliot was getting very comfortable between her boobs Eva could feel everything he was doing in there and bit her lip as she ran. She was slowly getting more and more turned on by the little perv being between her breasts. The thought that he might´ve done that on purpose made her think of how she was going to have her revenge soon.

Eva kept running to her apartment as fast as she could, carrying all the stuff with her as she ran through the cold night. She finally arrived at the building and unlocked the front door before going in and closing it behind her. She went up the elevator and walked to her apartment´s door as she drunkenly pulled out her keys. She brought up the keys to her eyesight and one by one started to see which one was the right one.

“No… Not this one… no… not that one. AHA!”

She finally got the key she needed and unlocked the door to her apartment. As she stumbled in, she dropped everything on the floor and then started to walk over to her bedroom as she began to take her clothes off. One boot came off, then the other. Then she took off her jacket, then the pants, then the shirt. She sighed heavily after she turned on the heat. She spotted the little Eliot, snuggled against her skin between her breasts, sleeping soundly, and couldn’t help but giggle and pet his adorkable little head. Nerdy little pervert.

“Having fun down there? You like what you see, you little rascal?” She said to her small companion.

She let out a laugh in response as Eliot´s resting place began to shake with her laughing.

“You were awake!” She faked a gasp and plucked him up from his resting place as he placed him on her palm. “You´re such a perv…” She brought her lips up to his tired face and kissed him as she laid back on the bed, spreading her legs as she usually did when she was tired.

Eliot chuckled and nodded with a goofy smile on his face as she looked down at him lovingly.

“You are the most interesting date I’ve had, in like, ever,” she said as she held him in her palm while tilting her head to the side with her mouth slightly open. “I don’t think anyone has fallen for me so hard that they shrunk down to about the size of a small doll. It would’ve been funny that you shrunk to be about hobbit-sized to go with our whole LOTR theme! Missed opportunity right there, tiger” She couldn’t help but laugh at her own joke as she tapped his head with her finger lightly.

“Well, I would’ve done it gradually if someone didn’t look so cute holding onto my arm like that and kissing me afterward” Eliot teased as he hugged her thumb and pressed his cheek against it.

Eva turned her head to the side, still smiling. She passed a finger through his hair lovingly as she looked back at him lovingly. This was the first time Eliot felt comfortable being small. Before he felt like being small was such a liability and something to be afraid of. A vulnerable position that would make people around him want to take advantage of him. But here and now, with this woman in front of him, holding him gently, teasing him, and looking at him as if he was a person and not a thing, he felt safe.

Eva on the other hand was still slightly buzzed, her mind hadn´t comprehended entirely what was going on so she was going on her own instinct to protect. She didn’t quite understand how this whole thing happened, but she was having fun, she had been having fun ever since she started talking to Eliot. She had dreaded going to that event given that there was no space for that in her life given her work but decided to give it a try anyway and see what sticks after meeting. Then this dork bumped into her, his looks and charismatic banter already scoring points on her board. She never imagined being in this situation with him but nevertheless, she was enjoying herself a lot. She shivered slightly and decided to go for something to help with the cold she felt, the room hadn´t gotten to the temperature she wanted yet.

“Hey, Eliot. I need to get a hoodie or something, the room is still freezing. Do you want anything?”

“Nah, go ahead, I can wait here”

Eva nodded and got off the bed before putting Eliot down on her unmade bed before turning around and walking towards her closet. As she turned around Eliot had the perfect view of her massive, for him, behind that swung from side to side as she walked away. Eliot felt himself blush, his face burning up slightly at the sight of the giantess. He couldn´t help but feel extremely aroused at the sight and was too focused on it to see that Eva had glanced back at him to see how he was doing. Eva chuckled slightly as she looked down and saw something “rise” to him observing her ass. She figured he was too drunk to realize that he had been caught looking. She got an idea as she headed into the small closet just around the corner. Eliot stared at the last place she had been, expecting her to come out quickly with her hoodie on. Instead, a hand peeked out of it holding something, a bra. Eliot´s heart fluttered as she delicately held her bra with her index finger and thumb. She tossed the bra over to Eliot´s direction, landing on the ground in front of him as he stared at it with disbelief. A soft chuckle could be heard from the closet as Eva only guessed how Eliot was reacting to this. A few seconds passed, which felt like years to Eliot as he awaited for more to come, until finally, slowly, a hand peeked again holding another piece of clothing of Eva´s.

Her panties.

Eliot´s heart was about to burst out of his chest. His face was burning hot, and his little friend was excited as hell to see the show that Eva was giving him. She tossed the underwear in the same direction that she tossed the bra but this time, the panties landed in the bed, right beside Eliot. The air around Eliot smelt like musk, female genitalia, sex. His mind switched from his thoughts about being small to focusing on one person and one person only. Eva walked out of the closet wearing a black hoodie. The hoodie was almost like a small dress that extended down to the middle of her wide thighs.

Eliot looked down at her feet and slowly made his way up her body, her feet were long and a bit slim, her calves small but toned, her thighs were thick and soft, and her waist wasn’t that wide but swung from side to side sensually as she approached him. Eliot was convinced that what he was seeing in front of him was nothing short of a goddess.

Eva decided to entertain her little companion with a show he would never forget. She put her hands behind her head and shook them, shaking her short shoulder-length hair a bit as she walked, trying to mimic those supermodels that went on the catwalk for Eliot. She found immense satisfaction in seeing people pay attention to her and ogle her. She loved being watched and complimented and right now Eliot was her audience for the night. She loomed above Eliot as she got to the bed and looked down at him with a slight smirk, her hands on her waist.

“Move.” She commanded as Eliot walked away from where she was going to sit.

“Good boy~”

Those two words stopped Eliot´s heart for a second as his chest swelled up with raw emotion. The feeling of being praised and acknowledged like that sent shivers down his spine as he froze in place, the towering frame of the woman slowly sitting down or more accurately, kneeling in front of him. He had no idea what to do, his mind was a wreck. Suddenly in a cat-like manner, she got closer to Eliot. First her right hand, then her left, then her right, crawling on all fours. Eliot stepped back with every landing of her hands as she approached him, eventually tripping and falling backward as he looked up at the looming giantess above him. The contrast to him about 40 minutes ago in this same exact position was incredible. Whereas a while ago he was afraid to be killed, now he felt impossibly excited and aroused about the same person.

She chuckled slightly from above as she watched the tiny man look up at her.

“You look so adorable down there, nerd. Mind if I lay down?” She said teasingly down at Eliot below her whilst tilting her head to the side and biting her lip seductively.

The only thing he could do was nod up at her with a goofy smile on his face.

"Such an obedient puppy you are, here I go~"

Eva smiled smugly and then crawled a bit further up above Eliot. She slowly began to lower herself down, the pockets of the hoodie slowly coming down onto him. She lifted her hoodie slightly as Eliot saw heaven´s gates be revealed above him. Her soft pelvis approached him as it softly pressed him against the bed.

Eliot chuckled nervously as it landed on him gently. It wasn’t as unpleasant or suffocating as he had expected. It was like a large soft mattress landed on top of him.

“Are you doing okay, hun?” She asked to be sure she wasn’t suffocating him

He gave the soft skin a couple of taps to let her know he was doing okay. He felt the skin bump up around him as a shiver went down Eva´s back. She had been taken by surprise at how sensitive she was in that area. She knew it was an area she loved being touched on but this was new.

Eliot continued to kiss the freshly shaved area, his hands exploring the area he was on. Eva continued to shiver and sigh as he proceeded to kiss her skin, teasing her even though he was so much smaller than her.

Eliot then felt his world come down on him as Eva pressed herself onto the bed with a grinding motion. Eliot wasn’t in danger, but he did feel the air rush out of his lungs as she pressed down on him. Eva began to grind herself onto the bed with Eliot underneath her as she moaned softly, her mind wandering due to her lust for more.

Eliot tried to not go against Eva´s wishes. Maybe if he could handle a couple of presses by holding his breath, he could let her get her way with him. He knew the consequences of stopping his owner from reaching her climax. The scar on his back began to burn slightly as his mind began to regress to the moment she…

Wait, his owner? This wasn’t like that… Eva cares about him. She isn’t like her. Up until this moment, Eva has been nothing but kind and loving. She isn’t like her.

Eliot began to tap onto her skin rapidly as the pain slowly started to creep onto his body.

Eva didn’t respond at first but after a few more taps, she snapped out of it with a loud gasp as she quickly got off Eliot. As he took a few deep breaths of air. She was kneeling in front of him at the base of the bed, looking down at her little lover.

“ELIOT! A-Are you okay?! Did I hurt you?! A-Am sorry I- You were kissing me and it felt so good I just got… I just got carried away!” Eva started to mumble out at him on the verge of tears. She was worried sick that she would´ve hurt him or worse.

Eliot coughed and breathed as she looked down worriedly at him with her eyes swelling up with tears. He finally was able to talk after a bit and looked up at the worried titan above him. He shook his head and reached out for her hand.

“Am fine, hun! I should´ve been a bit more careful” He said calmly as he regained his composure

Eva put her hand onto Eliot´s small outstretched hands and sniffled down at him.

“Am sorry…”

Eliot took her finger onto his lips and kissed the fingers on it with a loving look up at her.

She isn´t like her.

“Am fine, am fine. You didn’t hurt me. Am okay” He assured her as she nodded, wiping the tears away with the hoodie´s arms. She leaned down lower to his level like a sad puppy and pouted a bit. Eliot shook his head with a smile and walked over to her cheek, planting a big kiss on it.

“See? Am okay! Don’t worry about anything… Let´s just head to bed, for now, okay?”

Eva nodded slowly as she got up and reached over for Eliot before she hesitated. Eliot saw her hand moving towards him and flinched slightly before quickly correcting himself and walking towards the hand reaching for him with his arms up.

“Uppies?” He joked so maybe he could lighten the mood.

This made Eva snort and laugh as the tension was relieved from the situation.

“Dork.” She teased as she gently picked him up and placed him beside her pillow. She then laid down beside him, her head landing on the pillow softly. She swung the blanket over herself, still wearing the hoodie, and sighed, relaxed.

They both stared into each other´s eyes and slowly Eliot began to notice her eyes slowly close and then open again, as she tried to fight off the sleep.

Eliot chuckled. “Am not going anywhere, go to sleep, Eva”

“Nooo, but I am not tired, you dork…” Eva whined in response as she kept fighting her sleep.

“It’s okay, hun. I´ll still be here in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Eva nodded before she slowly leaned in to kiss Eliot´s small body, her hands slowly coming up from the blanket to go behind Eliot and press him gently against the bridge of her nose to have him close to her.

“Goodnight, tiny” She teased before slowly drifting off to sleep.

Eliot´s smile came from the heart as he began to feel tired, and heavy. He suddenly heard a small hum from Eva. She was humming that song from the restaurant where they met. The lyrics popped into Eliot´s head like on a karaoke screen.

“Would you take the wheel, If I lose control? If am lying here, Would you take me home? Could you take care, Of a broken soul? Will you hold me now, Will you take me home?”

´Huh. Oddly fitting. ´ Eliot thought in his dazed state. He guessed it really was fate that had put them together. Darkness slowly overtook them both as they fell into a deep slumber, Eliot kissed her nose one last time as he sighed loudly before giving himself to the dreamscape.

[captainmartinisblog]

So Many People, So Much Traffic!

Monday 24th June 2024 – New York.

So here we are, finally chilling in the Greenwich Business-class Lounge at John F Kennedy Airport and it’s been ‘a bit of a day’!

Viking Star began her progress up the Hudson River around 5am with the approach to the Verrazzano Narrows Bridge, opened in 1964.

It was the longest suspension bridge in the world until the Humber Bridge in 1981 and its towers are 693 ft high.

We passed the Statue of Liberty around 6.20am. Gifted to the United States by France in 1886 it was the first thing that immigrants saw as they arrived, looking for a new life in the ‘New World’ (roll Dvorak and the ‘Hovis theme’!) but I can’t help thinking that it’s just as well it is on its own island because it would otherwise today have been dwarfed by the skyscrapers of modern New York, as is the Empire State Building in this next picture!

Disembarkation began not too long after 8am and we were smoothly through the most polite and swift Immigration check we’ve ever encountered! (The Department of Homeland Security must have been reading my Blog!)

Once aboard our transport, there was some initial confusion about our transfer arrangements because we had been told on board that we would be dropped ‘Downtown’ to do our own thing while our luggage remained on the bus and we would be picked up again at 2pm to go to the airport. However, the dispatch supervisor seemed to think our pick-up was 12.30 (hardly enough time to do anything) saying that the airport transfer could be 2 hours because of traffic. After some ‘negotiating’, we agreed with the driver 1.30pm!

It was a lovely day and our original plan was to try for ferry tickets to Liberty Island because Sally had never been there. But when we got there, we were accosted by so many ‘false’ ticket touts and Battery Park was surrounded by construction works, it was looking dire. Indeed, by the time we fought our way to the genuine ferry ticket office, we were told we would have to queue for well over an hour to get on a ferry! There were so many people - until we got on the ferry; then there were loads of seats because everyone else was outside doing ‘selfies’ as we passed the Statue of Liberty!

In the end, we found our way to the Staten Island Ferry Terminal and took a free ride to Staten Island and back instead! And we got to see the Statue of Liberty again.

But it wouldn’t be a visit to New York without a Hot-Dog bought from one of its ubiquitous street stalls! Today, mine was Chilli & Cheese (at least Detective Columbo would approve!)

As predicted, there was horrendous traffic for our transfer to the airport and although it ‘only’ took 1hr 20min, it’s just as well we left when we did because now we are at last relaxed again for our overnight flight home.

[solarpunkani]

Hi! For a project in mz school were doingf an activity where we make a utopia. i wanted mine to be inspired by your blog and stuff like accessibility, solar engery, things like that. any things you could give me for ideas?

I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely honored I am that you're looking to my blog for inspiration on this project! I hope I can be helpful!

If you want a fantastic wellspring of cool imagery and inspiration, check out the @solarpunkaestheticweek blog! It was an event held over the summer, and a lot of people participated and did art for it! Like this one that I really love! There's also lots of talk about fashion, architecture, and general aesthetic inspiration too! The queue is also continually running with other cool stuff the other mods and I find! We've also got a pinterest board you can rifle through for more inspo! IDK when this project is due, but we're planning to host another event for the Winter Solstice, which should bring out another burst of cool stuff to be inspired by!

Other cool things that could be fun for a utopia... I go on a bit of a ramble below!

The Dear Alice animation is a great source of inspiration, honestly! The imagery in this video are vivid!

Community fridges, little free pantries, little free libraries, and the like are also super fun for a utopia! Here's a pinterest board I made while I was working on my solarpowered fridge concept project this summer!

You could always go for fun shaped and fun-colored solar panels! I've seen talk of solar panels made to look like terra cotta roof tiles, and of colorful solar glass, so either one of these could be cool to draw inspiration from! The imagery of a stained glass window but its all solar voltaic is... prominent, in my head. While I was rifling through my blog, I found another post about more people doing this (or at least something similar)!

I've been in love with this concept art of fish-shaped wind turbines for the longest while! Clean energy can be clean and fun!

Regarding accessibility--I won't claim its something I know a lot about, but I did go on a bit of a ramble about it at the behest of another asker once. Long and the short of it, I'd definitely encourage looking into talks about walkable cities and accessible cities, see what some other bloggers who are More Knowledgeable Than Me have to say about it! Here's another post I've reblogged about accessibility and solarpunk!

It could be fun to imagine how current structures in cities could be reused in a more solarpunk society! I did this a bit earlier with big parking garages, and the replies and reblogs also have some interesting ideas too!

I guess if you were to ask me what I'd like to see in an imagining of a solarpunk future/more utopian kind of vibe... I'd imagine tight-knit communities, clean energy, expansive transit systems and bike accessibility, large paths for traveling by foot, lots of gardens and greenhouses, big sunny windows, bright colors in buildings and fashion, lots of reuse of clothing and visible mending and the like, personalization, and Good Vibes. There's probably a lot more detail and specifics one would need to go to when it comes to making one, but when I think of Solarpunk those tend to be some of the first things that come to mind.

Aaaand here's a few solarpunk blogs I tend to look to for inspiration, if that's helpful to you at all!

I hope this helps! If anyone else happens across this post and wants to chime in, feel free!

[dracoconcordia]

Hidden Crescent, Chapter One

"So remind me why we're going to old Corona again." Cassandra rested her head in her as she leaned on the edge of the cart.

"To check on Varian." It had been something she dreaded for the longest time. The whole fiasco with the tree had driven her over her art-block among other things. "I haven't heard any word for him since The Storm."

Because he could be dead, not that the warrior would say it out loud. "May he's out like your boyfriend. You'd think he'd have enough sleep with how many naps he takes."

"Oh, it's not that bad." That earned her a look from the other female. "Sure it may be a little… extensive at times, but I don't think it's a problem."

"Raps, he sleeps on top of the bookshelves in the castle, I think Romeo may have a problem. Speaking of which." She glanced next to her friend. "Wake up Fitzherbert!"

Shooting up the man sputtered around. "Huh? What? Who's attacking us?"

"No one is Eugene, it's just Cass." Rapunzel smiled at him. "Have a good sleep?"

"Until the end there, yeah." He halfheartedly glared at the dark haired woman. "Then the dragon lady just had to wake me up."

"Oh, boo hoo. You would've had to be woken up soon anyways," gesturing past them with a finger Cassandra pointed out, "we're also there."

"Well it wouldn't kill you to be nicer about it." The rogue turned his body to get a better look. "What's with the crowd?"

"Crowd?" Chirped the girl as she also looked in that direction. Indeed the better part of the village looked like they packed up and were ready to leave with a few in what was a seemingly heated argument. As the wagon stopped the princess took that as her queue to confront them herself. "What's going on here?"

"We were gonna move to that new plot of land the king promised us but this guy says that the monster will just follow us." He looked annoyed at his neighbor. "What else can we do, Frank? With the rocks and the monster catching us at both sides it's not like we have much of a choice!"

"But our families have been here for generations? Don't you care?" The other man waved his hands in the air as he ranted. "The beast will just follow our sheep and the rock might show up there too! What would be the point?"

"Woah, woah! Hold on," looking between the two she asked. "What monster?"

"A big, nasty monster has been getting at our livestock, Princess." An older woman came forward. "Nothing's safe, chickens, goats, nothing. In the morning we find the mangle bodies just lyin' there."

"Okay, alright, um…." Glancing around at what she could see, the black rocks were worse than ever. "Continue with relocation, I pr-" no, not propose, not again, "guarantee we'll do our best to find out whatever this creature is and remove it as quickly as possible. First thing I need to know is where it was last seen."

"It was in the field where I keep my flock, your majesty." A shepherd came forward with a little lamb nestled at his and staff in his other hand. "It like to have gotten this one, lucky she got away with only a hurt leg. I can lead you there."

"Please do."

…

In not long at all the group arrived at their destination. Bowing out the farmer went to attend his animals while the others investigated. Pascal clicked as he jumped out the blond as they all looked in separate locations. The little reptile wasn't paying attention when he glanced up a tree and tripped in a shallow hole. Hearing the indignant squeak, the former thief checked on the unlucky chameleon.

"Hey Frog, what-cha fall into- oh." Eugene picked up Pascal as he carefully examined the indent in the earth. With lips pressed he put his free hand in the center of a large handprint that dwarfed his own. It was definitely human sharp with its five long fingers but also had the clear animalistic detail of claws thrown in.

Pascal sweaked with alarm this time causing Cass to go over and look over the young man's shoulder. "Uh, Raps. You might want to take a look at this."

"What is- wow! That's big." And no doubt belonged to something bigger. "What do you think made that?"

"I can give you three guesses." Declared a new, rough voice. "But none of them will be pretty."

"Uh, who are you?" True to her nature Cass didn't trust this new individual. "And what are you doing here?"

"Name's Captain Creighton, world class big-game tracker and beast hunter." She came over and shared a passing glance at Eugene, who stepped out her way. Eyeing the tracks the captain hummed. "Hm, I'd say what you have here is a werewolf."

"A werewolf?" Rapunzel laughed at the upsirdness of the claim. "There's no such thing as werewolves."

Pascal clicked in agreement.

"No such thing as werewolves? Bah." Scoffing at her "naivety" she went to question the girl. "Know who the ruler of this kingdom is? Need a word with him."

"That would be her dad." Snapped Cassandra not liking the person one bit. "I'd be nicer if I were you."

"We can take you to him. I'm sure he'd like to know about, uh, the wolf situation."

"Good." The hunter nodded. "The sooner we get there, the best."

[iron-hearts-ablaze]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

respond to the prompts out of character!

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have? I look up to Karlach. I found her such a breath of fresh air when playing for the first time and I love that, just because she is a barbarian, doesn't mean she's not intelligent in other ways. Her strength, emotionally, really called out to me as an interesting character to dive into.

is there anything you don’t like to write? Hmm... I'm alright with most things in very brief context, or vaguely put out there - but I will never outright describe things like non-con.

is there anything you really enjoy writing? Angst, slow-burn romance, fluff, violence (adventure kind)

how do you come up with headcanons? Most of the time it comes from bouncing off ideas with friends, or she says something in-game that I felt like diving into more and peeling back the layers.

do you write in silence or do you play music? Music every time. I have a Karlach playlist to give me the energy. It has a mixture of genres so some songs are more up-beat, others are deeper - for those emotional threads.

do you plan your replies or wing them? A mixed bag. Some threads, the serious ones especially, I'll plan certain lines of dialogue for and then wing the description around it. Other times, especially crack, it's whatever comes to mind first. Then it sits in the queue so I can come back and edit anything I need to.

do you enjoy shipping? Yes. I think Karlach brings a lot to the table, romantically. Especially because she cannot touch people for the longest time, she has to rely on talking to get her emotions across.

what’s your alias/name?  Vix

age?  Fresh 30.

birthday?  September

favourite colour?  Red, darker shades like scarlet/crimson

favourite song?  It changes every damn week (this week it's 'Strong For Somebody Else' by Citizen Soldier. Because it reminds me of Gale). But I can say my favourite band of all time is RED.

last movie you watched?  Encanto, for the kids. (We don't talk about the rogue, no no no no)

last show you watched?  Avatar: The Last Airbender.

last song you listened to?  Past the Past by New Medicine

favourite food?  Curry!

favourite season?  Autumn (Fall)

do you have a tumblr best friend? Definitely got a little group of friends growing here :)

tagged by: Stolen! I passed my slight of hand check, what're you gonna do about it?! tagging: Everyone. Yes, including you. Do it. If you dare.

[xtinyslip]

"LAST TIME I CHECKED? THAT WASN'T AN ANSWER." something told her that she wasn't alright and everyone had been there, right? no she wasn't going to claim to know what was going on but break ups were the actual worst. aria had experienced enough of them to know. it was why she was keeping it casual. it made the most sense or she was a coward and it didn't hurt as much. she wasn't going to admit to the last one either way. how could she? "my life might not be screwed up in that sense but i'm far from dream land. i'm moving back in with my brother AGAIN, the longest running relationship i've had is with my dog. leo. i might not have as much drama going on as you but a dream? no, more like a freaking nightmare." it wasn't that she didn't love peter or her dog, it wasn't. she did, actually she didn't love anyone more than them but is that what she imagined her life was going to be like? not in the slightest. "and i get that. you're entitled to your opinion but i'm entitled to call you out on it and tell you that it's wrong. maybe most cops are trash but not all. how could you even say that?" perhaps she was defensive of her brother, who else did she have? "soooooo..." she grinned, leaning back against the bar. "this is the part you tell me i got the job and we kick the hell out of this queue." @lcvenderhcze

"THAT SOUNDS OMINOUS... are you okay?" aria didn't need more trouble right now but at the same time, what she did need was a job and this place seemed... semi decent. right? if she could make this work and build herself back up a little bit, then, the art and everything else would fall back into place. so she kept telling herself. "someone like me? you know i haven't heard that one in a while." she chuckled, digging her hands tighter into her pockets. it was as if whenever someone reminded her of how normal her life was. well, it was like a voice screamed inside her head that it wasn't. it was only mildly terrifying. "i guess here's to hoping i never get into it then? no offence, it's jut you're not exactly selling it right now." she flashed hope a smile, not wanting things to get too deep or heavy. that was hardly a way to make a good first impression, was it? "no offence taken. i know some of the people my brother works with and yikes." not good. "but my brother, he's one of the good ones. i trust him. you can too." maybe she was biased but aria knew it was more than that, peter was good, in fact -- he might be the best person she knew. "ugh. i'm sorry. it doesn't matter what someone did -- not, of course, that i'm saying she did anything but... yeah, no one deserves that." they didn't. right? "oh, i'm an expert." she teased, her smile brightening as she picked up one of the glasses. talk about pressure. aria set to work creating her cocktail, trying to be quick about it but clearly not wanting to screw up in the process. "what do you think?" holding it out for hope to taste. @lcvenderhcze

[ateezreactionsandscenarios]

Caught in the act

Pairing: Song Mingi x Reader

Genre: Angst

CW: Cheating.

Prompts: 10) “Please don’t go.”

               30) “I don’t hate you”

               50) “Please, let me in.”  

Word Count: 2205

Summary: You thought your relationship was perfect, Mingi was all you could ever ask for in a partner, but it all changes when he betrays you in the worst way.

Prompt List               MasterList         Buy me a Coffee

It's close to closing time, and you just can't wait to get out of work. The day felt like it's dragged on but you couldn't be more excited to get home to surprise Mingi, who's been working extremely hard himself so you just want to do something nice for him.

With a few moments to spare, you couldn't resist checking your phone, noticing a message from Mingi himself.

[16.36] Mingi: Hey baby, I'll be running a little bit late tonight, work has run over. I'm so sorry, but I'll make it up to you when you get home.

Perfect, you thought. You'd have more than enough time to ensure that everything is perfect, there's no way he wouldn't have a smile on his face when he gets home and that got you bouncing on your feet.

Through the last of the customers rushing through the shop to grab the last coffee of their day, you keep an eye on the clock, eyes switching between that and the coffees that you make. It was evident that you wanted to leave by the way you were able to smash out all the coffees with a quickened pace, going from the longest queue to the last few stragglers who managed to slide their way into the door just before it was time to lock up.

With the last coffee handed to the last customer, turn to face your manager who's got a reassuring smile on his face. "You're free to go now, there's already two of us on to close the shop so you can go. You've done brilliant today, thank you for your hard work."

There was no way you could say no to that, knowing you'd have to make a quick stop at the store to grab your essentials to make Mingi his favourite meal and grab his favourite wine before he finishes work himself.

"Thank you, see you the weekend!" Excitedly, you grab your belongings and exit the building, running the quick errands that you needed to make before going to the store and finally making your way back to Mingi's apartment.

Holding the spare key he gave you made you feel special and comfortable... Happy even. You couldn't be more grateful that your relationship with him has been nothing but genuine and amazing, and the fact that he trusts you with a key? It kept your mind at ease.

With the light clicking of your keys crashing against each other as you rush towards his front door, you sigh to yourself in contentment, planning the night in your head and making a mental note of a checklist of to-do's before he gets home.

It still felt strange letting yourself into his apartment, but it also felt extremely right. Though you knew he wasn't home, you still let yourself in quietly. Just a little habit that you've picked up as usually he's passed out asleep on the couch after work, exhausted from such busy and tiring days.

Expecting it to be dead silent in the flat, you weren't sure if you were hearing things or if the neighbours were being louder than usual. Hearing faint noises coming from somewhere puts you on edge a little, practically tip-toeing around the apartment to get closer to the sound, which seemed to be coming from Mingi's room.

"Did he finish early himself? Damn." You thought to yourself, the excitement of surprising him quickly wearing off as the voice became more apparent that it was his.

It was going to be a case of brushing it off and feeling lucky that he's home and you'll be able to spend more time with him but when another voice answers him, you're on edge. The closer you got to the room, the more sounds that are audible, his low grunts paired with a feminine moan and the creak of his bed makes your stomach turn, physically causing you pain.

He isn't? He wouldn't.

No matter how much you try to deny it to yourself, the pain of hearing the noises getting progressively louder, the sound of Mingi's pleasured moans becoming more frequent, there was no way it was not what you thought it was.

It was your sign to turn away and never look back again, but with the war inside your head, you needed proof. You needed clarity. But what a huge mistake that turns out to be when you open the door as quietly as you could to have your heart ripped into shreds at the sight of what's going on in the room.

Tears sting at the corners of your eyes at the sight of this girl you have never seen before, laying under Mingi with her legs over his shoulders, his lips firmly pressed against hers. Oblivious to your presence at the door.

After the initial shock wears off a little, a loud crash from the glass breaking of the wine bottles and the bang of the groceries hitting the floor could be heard, but you're already heading towards the front door. Unable to think straight, you were suffocating and felt like you were going to pass out if you stayed in the apartment any longer.

"Y/N! Wait" Mingi calls out from behind you, fumbling to get his jeans back on and almost tripping around the place, managing to get a hold of your wrist before you successfully make it out of the door.

It was a struggle to try and get out of his grasp, cursing at him through gritted teeth and glassy eyes, unable to even face him. The more he held on, the more you were unable to stand up straight, finally releasing yourself from his grasp.

"Let me explain! Please don't go!" He bellows, the girl pushing past you partially dressed and seemingly ashamed as she rushes off down the hallway.

Without looking at him, you stop in your tracks, barely looking over your shoulder and give him a cold, harsh tone, "There's no need. I've seen it all".

Before he could even grab you again, you're already halfway down the corridor, getting the urge to run out of the building and onto the street. With no sign of him chasing you, you crumble onto the steps, pouring your heart out as the tears crash against the stone steps.

Saying you hardly slept that night would be an understatement, no sleep was had, all you could do was sit awake on the couch and cry your heart out. Your whole relationship with Mingi, gone, the relationship you thought was bulletproof was now all gone in a flash. 

All night your phone had been going crazy, call after call, text after text, all from Mingi who was begging you to hear him out and let him explain. Of course you ignored them all, what could he possibly explain? What is his reason to betray you like that? You were done, done with him and done with dating as a whole. How were you going to trust anyone at this point? Mingi was someone who gave you the world, made you fee like the only thing that ever mattered, the perfect gentleman and he pulls this shit. If he could do it to you then anyone else could and you weren’t going to risk it. 

The hours blurred into one, you only knew it was midday thanks to your clock on the wall. You’d been awake over 24 hours and you were exhausted, yet you still couldn’t sleep, the image of that girls legs draped over Mingi’s shoulders was burned into your brain and was all you could see when you shut your eyes. Coffee was your only friend now. 

Pouring probably your 5th coffee you were disturbed by an urgent knock at the door. You were in no hurry to answer it, if you left it long enough the person would go away, but he knocking continued.

“Y/n, please, let me in.” You heard Mingi practically sobbing from the other side of the door. Your heart fell to your feet, you didn’t want to face him...not yet.

“Y/n, I’m begging you, please open the door.” 

You don’t know what too over you, you didn’t know if it was the exhaustion making you think irrationally or if it was the sound of his sobs that go to you, but you found yourself approaching the door and opening it a crack. 

Mingi’s face was blotchy from crying and from what you could guess, he’d been crying for hours, not that you cared, he did this to himself, he had no right to cry. You tried to slam the door in his face but he was fast enough to slip his foot in the doorway, letting out a small wince of pain as you jammed his foot in the door.

“Get your foot out of the door.”

“Please, can you let me in for a little bit, I just want to explain.” Everything in your head was telling you not to and to just kick his foot from the door, lock it and never speak to him again, but part of you felt it could do with a really good laugh and maybe listening to his pathetic excuses could give you just that.

You let go of the door and turn to walk into your living room. Entering your apartment, Mingi tries to wrap his arms around you in an attempt of a hug.

“Get...off me, I didn’t say you could come near me.” You warned, shoving his arms from you and creating distance between the both of you. 

“Y/n, I need you to know I love you so much.” Mingi tries pleading but the statement makes you scoff.

“You’re kidding me right?”

“No, I really, really lo..”

“Cut the shit Mingi, you and I both know what you did that night so don’t you dare even think to pull the ‘I love you’ card on me and think I’ll drop the whole thing and come crawling back.”

“Just let me explain.” 

“Okay, go on then, explain, amuse me.” You say, folding your arms across your chest and waiting for what ever sorry excuse was going to spill from his mouth.

“I was drunk ok, it was a stupid drunken mistake. I went out with a few of the guys, I had a little too much and the rest was a blur until I saw you walking out.”

“Bullshit.” You spat. First he cheats and now he’s lying to your face, what more did he have up his sleeve?

“You told me you were going to be late home because work was running late, not once did you say anything about drinks with the guys, so don’t tell me this was all a stupid mistake when you had been lying to me from the beginning. How can I even trust you when you say it was a drunken mistake?” 

Mingi attempts to hold your hands wanting to wholeheartedly tell you it really was a mistake but when you took a big step back away from him he tucked his arms behind his back.

“I’ve broken your trust, I know that, and you probably hate me too but I swear to you y/n, hand on heart it was a dumb mistake.” His eyes started to fill with tears again, his whole body trembling as he willed himself not to break down again.

“Mingi...I don’t hate you.” You sigh. He looks at you, eyes wide and with a small glint of hope in them, hope that you’d forgive him. You could see the way he perked up and you had to put a stop to it before he got the wrong idea.

“I don’t hate you, but I also don’t forgive you. I’m done, this can’t be undone or taken back and a simple sorry isn’t going to cut it. You were my world and you go and do that to me, the lying, the cheating, drunk or not I couldn’t give a shit, you did it and that’s all that matters.” 

Mingi didn’t think he could hurt anymore than what he already had, but hearing those words leave your lips and the look on your face that told him you meant every word cut deep with him. He’d lost you and it was his own fault. 

“I...I’m sorry.” He whispers before finally letting the tears escape.

“I want my stuff back from your apartment. I’ll gather all your stuff today and I’ll be over tomorrow with it all and I want mine in return, after that I don’t want to see you.” He could only nod in reply. If it’s what you wanted then it was what you’d get, you don’t want to see or hear from from him then he’ll disappear, but if you ever for some reason wanted to see him again he’d welcome you back with open arms.

With a small nod of your head you lead him towards the door and shut it behind him. That was it, it was all over, tomorrow will be the last time you see him and right now you were okay with that, meanwhile Mingi found himself slumped against your front door, silently sobbing to himself wishing things could have been different.

Tag list: @stardragongalaxy​ @kpopjust4u  @whatudowhennooneseesyou  @8tinytings  @jenotation @grim-adventures58  @owjohny  @ker1  @tinkerbell460  @haylstoney  @scuzmunkie  @halesandy   @multihunbun  @kodzukein  @maskedmochii  @woosannie

[writingbymoonlight]

airport goodbyes

ft.: timeskip bokuto x reader

word count: ~600 words

“I’m going to miss you so much,” Bokuto mumbles into the crook of your neck as you two stand at the entrance of the airport’s security check, his arms wrapped tightly around your frame. 

“Ko, I have to go now,” you respond, running soothing circles along his back in hopes that he’ll release you. Although you typically adore Bokuto smothering you with hugs and kisses, the combination of the airport’s humid climate and the professional volleyball player’s secure embrace has you feeling a tiny bit suffocated. 

“But I don’t want you to go,” your boyfriend whines and, even though you cannot see his face, you’re fairly certain that his signature pout is gracing his handsome features. 

“My plane is going to leave without me!” you sigh.

“Why can’t you just let it leave without you?!” he asks loudly, at last pulling away from the hug (yet firmly holding onto your shoulders), so he can finally look at you with his large puppy dog eyes.

If you tore your gaze from the outside hitter, you wouldn’t be shocked to see the other people in the airport throwing some strange glances at both of you. Witnessing an extremely tall and muscular guy dramatically sulking in an airport as his significant other tries to comfort him isn’t necessarily a common sight. Fortunately, after dating Bokuto for so long, you have become accustomed to his antics and habits. 

“Because I really need to attend this work trip!” you explain, placing a hand gently on his cheek. “I’ll be back in a week!”

“I know, it’s just…this is going to be the longest we’ve been apart in a while,” he whimpers. Then he adds, in an uncharacteristically quiet whisper, “I’m going to miss you a lot.”

It hadn’t dawned on you before, but Bokuto is correct. Ever since you moved in together a few months ago, the two of you have been, unsurprisingly, attached at the hip and you practically saw each other every single day.

“Awww, Koutaro,” you say, giving him a smile in an attempt to cheer him up. “I’m going to miss you too. But I promise to call you when I land! And to text you so much throughout the week that you’ll probably get annoyed with me.”

“I could never be annoyed with you,” Bokuto asserts earnestly with his unwavering gold-colored eyes. His statement causes your heart to swell in your chest and you cannot help, but throw your arms around his neck in order to embrace him once again. 

“How about we plan a trip together once I get back? To somewhere we haven’t been before?” you suggest as you feel your boyfriend’s strong arms wrap around your waist.

“I’d like that.”

And with that, Bokuto allows his arms to limply fall to his side as you exchange a final sweet peck on the lips. 

With your passport and boarding pass in one hand and the other dragging your carry-on, you then make your way towards the queue bustling with people who are all anxiously waiting for their bags to be checked. However, after a few steps, you give into temptation and peer behind your shoulder. You can clearly see Bokuto, standing in the exact same spot where you left him, watching you leave. He immediately notices you looking at him and his lips begin moving. 

Bokuto is too far away, and the airport is buzzing with too much commotion for you to hear him, but you can discern that he is saying “I love you”.