#scheduling this to post 5 days from now 👍

[stemmmm]

here you go you filthy animals

[bryan360]

No “On This Day” posting I’ll be focusing today.

Also….

‼️(NO COPYING OR PLAGIARIZING FROM ME AND ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIEND’S WORK! THAT INCLUDES OUR CHARACTERS, DESIGNS, STUFF, ETC. IMPOSTERS AND SEXBOTS ARE NOT WELCOME TO FOLLOW MY BLOG WHATSOEVER! 😡 That will be all….I mean it.)‼️

2024 Review - Seagate 2TB Portable Drive (Third/Final - Storing game(s))

It’s been a long time coming; not to mention through scheduling at the program all weekdays I’d been in. Nevertheless, I’m finally coming back to this topic for the final time. After that the second half of installing with my gaming console is done, I’m now be storing/moving one of my games from its internal storage; which I’d already got it at early January this year.

⬆️ (From January. 6th, 2024; 3:04 to 6:24 P.M)

The first one is I’d finally gotten to installed Forza Horizon 5; the same game from last year’s Christmas gift for my Xbox One system. You can thank our friend @carmenramcat of ever giving me for Christmas by surprise. Link Here

I haven’t boosted this racing game yet; not until after getting my own potable hard drive in early January 2024. There are plenty of games in it as well, but that’s gonna wait after the final part of this topic review.

So anyways, I’d managed to move this to my portable hard drive which had lot of storage needed. Just how long it will take after installing? Well from checking in actual time (via screenshots information) about 3:04 to 6:24 P.M., it’s 3 hours, 20 minutes, and 33 seconds when calculated by using calculator.net website. Wow. Sure it would make sense due to how big this racing game will be, but taking three hours or less was a bit long. Still, nothing bad happens once it’s done for my portable drive. At least I’m grateful that I’d finally got this game downloaded after months later. The transfer progress should’ve speed things up though. That being said, I can’t wait to dive in unless for further planning to share soon. Or if I haven’t gotten through FH3 progress as of yet. I’d appreciate for having my portable drive with me that I’m willing to transfer other games more. 👍

Update: So I haven’t downloaded just one FH5 updated patch just yet. Not until back in Sunday this week that I got it as well. Now it took me about from 1:52 to 2:23 P.M.; or 31 minutes and 5 seconds shorter. Not bad that didn’t take this long. I won’t be surprised that there will more updated patches for FH5 to check out, just in case.

(Back in March. 24th, 2024) (just after transferring other games that I’d save since February 3rd, 2024)

Now to get into with my other games I’ve previously transfer for my portable hard drive. During the same date of January 6th, I did the second time with 👊💥MultiVersus; a free to play fighting platform made by Player First Games. It took about few minutes than I did with my Forza Horizon 5 game within three hours or less. And then afterwards til February 3rd at 6:20 to 6:53 P.M., I got with two previous Forza Horizon titles, Rare Replay included two Banjo-Kazooie titles, Cuphead, Kingdom Hearts 3, and PAC-MAN Museum+. Talk about plenty of some along the way. Thought looks like it takes minutes for almost all games included this time. That’s good to see that it happened, right?

So anyways as I’d going back to its storage devices setting, my portable drive is about 16.1% within 1.5 TB free spaces. It’s not full enough as of yet. Though who knows if there’s plenty room to pick which I’m going for sooner or later. Other than that, I also pointed out for its internal storage had few games in it. It’ll be for another time to save, I promise.

My Experience/Overall Thoughts: ⬇️

Storing/transferring FH5 (Forza Horizon 5) (plus other games) with my external hard drive was an interesting progress to get through. It depends how many games to transferring within minutes/hours before completion. All in all, I couldn’t done it without my first portable drive that I’d wanted for my gaming console. It won’t be a matter of time before I can get a new one in the near future, but not right now. I’m happy of having a portable drive I’ll be taking care of. 🙂 If you’re curious or interested to get one of those, then it’s available on Amazon.com. It normally cost about $70, so hopefully that you still have your savings left. Link Here

See ya guys until my upcoming topics are coming soon. 👋

Tagged: @murumokirby360 @carmenramcat @alexander1301 @rafacaz4lisam2k4 @paektu

[wynterrolls]

HSR FAQ 𖡻 How long to max upgrade a light cone?

Answer (Calcs below the cut.)

Same procedure with what I did in “How long to max upgrade a character?” post. I’ll calculate here how long a F2P player can upgrade a single light cone with their limited resources.

Conditions:

Max Trailblaze Power (TP) = 240 per day

Equilibrium Level 6, Trailblaze Lv 70

Starting from scratch = means no items in bag (broke F2P)

Considering only the low end drop rate @ highest difficulty

Drop Rate @ highest difficulty

These rates are based from the Domain Drop Rate sheet linked below. I just considered the low end to know the max results.

Three rarities of light cones are considered in the calcs. Each require different amount of materials, hence the need to consider all 3 rarities.

3-star light cone

In written format, this is what cogger materials are called as:

Credits

LC EXP 4* = Refined Aether

Crimson Trace 4* = Stellaris Symphony

Crimson Trace 3* = Ancestral Hymn

Crimson Trace 2* = Harmonic Tune

Gold Trace 4* = Silverman Medal

Gold Trace 3* = Silvermane Insignia

Gold Trace 2* = Silvermane Badge

4-star light cone

In written format, this is what 4* DH LC materials are called as:

Credits

LC EXP 4* = Refined Aether

Crimson Trace 4* = Arrow of the Starchaser

Crimson Trace 3* = Arrow of the Demon Slayer

Crimson Trace 2* = Arrow of the Beast Hunter

Gold Trace 4* = Silverman Medal

Gold Trace 3* = Silvermane Insignia

Gold Trace 2* = Silvermane Badge

5-star light cone

In written format, this is what 5* DH signature LC materials are called as:

Credits

LC EXP 4* = Refined Aether

Crimson Trace 4* = Worldbreaker Blade

Crimson Trace 3* = Lifeless Blade

Crimson Trace 2* = Shattered Blade

Gold Trace 4* = Immortal Lumintwig

Gold Trace 3* = Immortal Aeroblossom

Gold Trace 2* = Immortal Scionette

In table form, this is what the materials will be called as.

NOTE: I converted 4* Crimson Trace materials into 3* ones for ease of computation. Since I’m considering the low-end drop rate, I’m not including 4* drop average in the calcs.

Among the items listed here in this table, the Gold Trace Materials are not suitable to farm with TP. [Source: Golden Calyx runs, overworld enemies in map, SU runs, and sending characters in Assignments]

Now, for the calculations, I’ll do same to what I did in the Character Upgrade post.

Explanation: In the drop rate table above, each run gives different kinds of item drops. To simplify the values in order to have uniformity in the calcs, I converted the number of drop items in accordance to the value of the highest rarity drop.

Notations:

rate w/r 4* = rate with respect to 4* EXP = EXP / (EXP of 4*)

rate w/r 3* = rate with respect to 3* crimson trace = (2* drop) / 3

rate w/r 2* = rate with respect to 2* crimson trace = (3* drop) * 3

Which leads to this calc:

NOTE: Runs ↑, Days ↑, and Total TP ↑ are rounded up values.

Last would be the credits. Since the first two runs (LC EXP and Crimson Trace) drop credits as well, I deducted those values and computed the remaining credits needed.

NOTE: I created two columns for credit values because once you hit Trailblaze Level 70, the Trailblaze EXP is converted into credits instead. Rate is 1 Trailblaze EXP = 10 credits.

I’ve placed the summary above, but if you want a Light Cone Farming Schedule, here.

Sources

Hoyolab Leveling Calculator for HSR Light Cones

Inventory Materials in HSR Hoyowiki

Honkai: Star Rail Domain Drop Rates

Light Cone EXP in HSR Wiki Fandom

Uploaded on Patch 2.0

➥ Back to my HSR masterlist.

Author’s Note

Ok. Good luck farming. ( •_•)👍

Update Log

02/17/2024 – Uploaded this post.

[bereft-of-frogs]

Thanks to the 5 other people who voted but one of the votes for Wednesday is me so even if there is a last minute sudden swell of support for keep on Friday’s, I’m going to become a Wednesday poster.

I do have other legit reasons for changing up my usual procedure other than just the ‘posting from my phone’ issue. Posting is hard. Don’t @ me with the ‘dopamine reward cycle’ post, I get that but it is also just hard to share something and then wait for response. I do usually lose a day to not being able to write because I’m trying to distract myself from checking. And this was never an issue before, I’ve often posted long fics on Fridays — because I used to work a restaurant job! I used to work weekends! My longest unbroken writing days were usually Mondays and Tuesdays. Now I have an office job and I’m more likely to be busy midweek, and I want my unbroken writing Saturday back. So I am switching to a midweek posting schedule for this and other future multi chapter, until something else changes or someone convinces me there is a better reason to stay on Fridays. Consensus from poll and logic says Wednesdays though. 👍

Should I move current fic chapter posting to wednesdays? (I am a millennial and I hate doing things on my phone, I could post from my computer and deal with everything before I head to the airport. Or maybe no one cares anyways 😂)

[skitskatdacat63]

Tysm for the tag @formula-red and @ellearts

Get to know your mutuals tag:

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yes! I'm named after some family member, my great great grandmother I think? My full name is Catherine

2. When was the last time you cried?

The other night, I kept crying on and off but I've been with people almost constantly so it's hard. I still feel somewhat homesick but it's getting better 👍

3. Do you have kids?

Nope, and not interested

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Practically constantly, I absolutely love it. My family is extremely sarcastic and so I do it with them all the time, and it's impossible for that to not bleed into my conversations with other people

5. What sports do you play/have played?

None right now. I think I played soccer as a kid? And I don't know if it technically counts but I was in marching band during high school which was a lot of fun but also a lot of work.

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people?

This is probably weird but I'm super interested in how conversations work, and I can't help but notice whether people take a leading role or following role in conversation, if that makes sense? Like people who are content to listen vs. people who want to lead the conversation

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings probably? Imo most horror movies don't end well, and I mean about the quality. Like yeah you'll find it scary and them inevitably, something silly will happen that just ruins any sense of fear you had

8. Any special talents?

Hard to say, I can't really think of any atm. I think I'm pretty good at guessing what animals are which?

9. Where were you born?

Not gonna go into specifics 🤭 but honestly I've never moved and I live probably like 20 minutes or so from the hospital I was born in. You guys can probably guess by now which country I'm from lol

10. What are your hobbies?

F1 first and foremost(watching, downloading pics, gifing, studying lol), reading fanfic, drawing(but not so much lately, perpetually burnt-out), photography(I've taken so many pictures in the past 2 days)

11. Do you have any pets?

Yes! I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. My cats are two tabby boys named Jin(or Jinnie) and Frank(originally Francis.) And my dogs are named Maisie and Ruby. Omg tho about Maisie. My mom named her after this book detective named Maisie Dobbs, right? So when we were making the dogtag, we put "Maisie Doggs", it still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

12. How tall are you?

Around 5'4, and I'm sorry, but I don't know the metric equivalent 😭

13. Fav subject in school?

Why did my mind first go back to highschool??? But I guess I'd say my Russian class. I like my other classes but Russian is probably the most fun because it's very laid back and everyone in the class now knows each other pretty well! We were all making sure we could stick together for next semester, to the point of changing out schedules 😭

14. Dream job?

Not sure honestly. It's hard because I have ideas for like actual legitimate jobs that I'm working towards, but sometimes can't help but be like: "ah but what if I were a photographer? What if I were a race car driver? etc" But realistically, probably something in the government

15. Eye color?

Brown, not super dark but not really light either

I'd tag people but I think I've seen like literally everyone on my dash doing this, so if anyone wants to, you can use my post :D

[puphee]

I posted 1,079 times in 2022

That's 578 more posts than 2021!

803 posts created (74%)

276 posts reblogged (26%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@puphee

@jaylaxies

@jeontaeil-archived

I tagged 818 of my posts in 2022

Only 24% of my posts had no tags

#🦋ask : anon - 193 posts

#shut up ceb - 159 posts

#txt hard hours - 157 posts

#🦋: mutuals - 96 posts

#enhypen hard hours - 90 posts

#txt smut - 53 posts

#skz hard hours - 48 posts

#soobin smut - 40 posts

#🦋ask : koa anon - 30 posts

#julia🐛 - 28 posts

Longest Tag: 135 characters

#yeah i stalk ur prifile sometimes bc it seems like you have my post notifs on and idk a lot of male tumblr users aside from my moots so

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

ummm txt mtl to cum from eating the reader out??? ^_^

hope you’re having a good day/night! <3

-@gyulfriend ⭐️

Reasoning will be under the cut!

Most

Soobin

HueningKai

Beomgyu

Yeonjun

Taehyun

Least

I am a firm believer in the Soobin and Huening Service top agenda. Soobin and HueningKai are actually on the same level with this tbh. For different reasons tho

Soobin would def because he’s a huge pervert and it just gets him so riled up to make you feel so good that you’re pulling on his hair or wtv and he just really really gets off to the thought that it’s him of all people making you feel this way. He’s probably fantasized about this a lot before, so when it’s reality, he can’t help how hard and desperate he gets subconsciously </3

Kai is MEGA service top. But he’s also pretty shy. But also not. It’s hard to explain how i think. Kai takes great pleasure in helping you get off, and he thinks it’s so rewarding to see you so blissed out and beautiful and even more so when you praise him for doing such a good job. Like, his sole focus is on helping you get off, so he, like soobin actually, doesn’t even realize he’s grinding his hips against whatever while he’s eating u out, only registers it when he’s actually cum and then he gets all blushy and embarrassed and flustered and apologizes, but you always say it’s okay because it’s really so cute just how happy he really gets just to make you feel good. This (my description of this) is so ass compared to what it’s really like in my brain i wish i could show you what it’s like in my brain so bad rn.

Beomgyu is also a major pervert, and has definitely cum untouched while eating you out before, but it was kind of a once in a while occurrence. it’s not something that happens very often.

Yeonjun and Taehyun are neutral tbh. Yeonjun might have had it happen before when he was extremely turned on or excited before, but that’s it. Taehyun doesn’t think of it as anything significant enough that he could cum from it. Yeonjun kind of has the same mindset in that aspect.

414 notes - Posted June 12, 2022

#4

yeonjun fucking his gf on the kitchen counter in the middle of the night 🥺

Today was a day where the both of you could just lay around in your pajamas for the day, nothing important on your schedules. The sun has set long ago and you're still lounging in your sleep attire while Yeonjun is sat in his gaming chair in only his boxers. Let's say you're both insomniacs, okay? Both of you can't exactly fall asleep any time soon. Maybe it's Yeonjun's fault for having the brightness on his monitor turned onto its highest setting, or it could be that you were staring at your phone screen for the past couple of hours without taking a break, but we aren't going to blame anyone right now. You've finally started to begin feeling tired, so you set your phone down and stretch, stumbling into the kitchen to get a glass of water and maybe cut up an apple for a late snack.

As you were too focused on your screen, you hadn't realized Yeonjun had stopped playing his games and began to watch you with hungry eyes. The position you were laying in was a little... let's say it just gave him a very nice view😁👍 anyways with every shift you make, it had given him even better angles for him to ogle at. Being the pervert he is, he's gotten a little excited. When you get up to go to the kitchen, he follows suit, taking this opportunity. Maybe he'll finally feel tired after blowing your back out lmao.

Anyways, his hands snake around your waist, and he presses up against you. Yeonjun places a kiss to beneath your ear and down your neck, gaining a small giggle from your lips.

"Hey, baby?"

"Hm?"

"Are you still not tired?"

"Hm... only a little, but other than that, I'm a bit restless."

A smirk will grace his lips as he turns you around in his arms, looking you in the eyes. "I have an idea. Maybe it'll help."

It doesn't take much for you to agree, and by now, Yeonjun has lifted you up onto the counter and slipped off your shorts and underwear, leaving your lower half bare in front of him. He delicately traces his fingertips along your folds and rubbed small circles into your clit, collecting your arousal on his fingers with a smile. Once he deems that you're wet enough, he strips his boxers off and steadily pushes into you &lt;3

The angle makes him hit just the right spots repeatedly, your toes curling with every thrust of his hips. He might even bring a hand up to wrap around your pretty throat if that's what you like. Despite the dark, he can perfectly see the way his cock drags out of you only to push right in again sharply.

It'd probably be a bit of a quickie, because not a lot of energy was within the both of you in the first place, so there wasn't a lot to put into it either. (Obviously enough for you both to blow a load tho) Will be very proud of himself with coming up with the idea because you're so spent and tired that you slur your words a little afterwards. You also make sure to tell him how much you liked fucking in that position hehe so you can do it again.

Sorry if this was ass, I wrote this while I had a fever and forgot to post it

556 notes - Posted May 30, 2022

#3

thoughts on makeup sex with any txt member of your choosing?

😼I'm gonna give my thoughts on make up sex with the choi line !! Before you thank me, you're so welcome

YEONJUN:

Your argument was so stupid that you don't even remember what it was about at this point

You've been ignoring him for a few days, so you've forgotten why you were still so upset with him

He feels really bad though, and not talking to you for a few days made him feel even worse

He knew it was his fault for starting it, and he wanted nothing more than to apologize

But you wouldn't return his texts or calls

He's a little worried at this point, so he decides to just show up at your place and try to talk to you in person

When you open the door and look fine, he feels relieved, and immediately engulfs you in a hug

"I'm sorry, baby. I missed you so much."

You pout standing still for a while before feeling your resolve melt and hugging him back.

"Let me make it up to you, please?"

Make up sex with Yeonjun would have a lot of apologies and "I missed you"s.

He'd remind you how much he loves you and will be really gentle the whole time

Missionary bc he wants to kiss all over your face and to kiss away any and all tears that may slip past your eyelids

SOOBIN:

Soobin had been really stressed with work lately and, although he didn't mean to, he took it out on you

You did not appreciate it and you got onto his case about it, saying you weren't going to put up with it and to get out of your apartment

He realizes he messed up almost immediately after you scold him and kick him out

He feels really bad, especially when you ignore him for the next few days or so

Will continue to send you good morning and goodnight texts even though you leave him on read.

After he gets particularly upset about not talking with you, he'll text you again

"I'm sorry. Please let me make it up to you. I miss you."

You're too curious for your own good, so you respond: "how will you make it up to me?"

"Let me come over. I want to show you how sorry I am."

You let him come over and as soon as he's in your apartment and the door is closed, he has you in his arms and his lips on yours.

You would have put up more of a fight if you didn't see that he had been crying.

He leaves apologies repeatedly against your lips, holding you tight as if he were afraid to let you go (which he is)

You hold onto his shirt when you kiss him back, tugging on it a little.

See the full post

735 notes - Posted June 17, 2022

#2

11:17 PM

See the full post

808 notes - Posted May 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

The Weekend

-p.js

WARNINGS: barely proofread for mistakes, car sex, grinding, unprotected sex, glasses kink, facial, mutual masturbation, jay giving mixed signals ig, open/shitty ending

WORD COUNT: 3.36k

A/N: i kinda gave up on making this any longer, so maybe in the future there will be a part two but that won’t be any time soon. Hope you enjoy ;)

Also I listened to The Weekend by BIBI on repeat while writing this fic so feel free to do the same as you read <3

See the full post

1,379 notes - Posted January 19, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[ari-nemera]

Sometimes i see posts about like.. Fast food work and like... All i can think is 'wow. This person has decided that their singular bad experience is actually universal. All restaurants are evil and all restaurant managers don't care about you' And now there's a post attacking literal minors for working???? Wtf???

And I'm just.... No. Like, No.

I'm Literally a restaurant manager. 75% of my staff right now are minors. I adore all of them. I have a 12 and 16yr old sister and so emotionally all these kids are just my 9 younger siblings. I get told i should have been a teacher. I am incredibly understanding of their schedules. I will actively push for them to take care of themselves. I had a kid walking around with a burn and was literally like??? Wtf?? Did you know we have first aid burn cream and bandaids??? Come here let me help you. I had another kid call in with a migraine and i was like 'oh god i get those too. Let me tell you what i do to help with the pain good fucking luck i am so sorry'. I get mad at my GM on their behalf if he forgets a requested day off.

I feel like Tumblr has done a really good job demonizing employers and like? Yeah. Corporations suck. I have literally had to say 'ok- so- I'm so sorry- i am required to say this because of company policy, but i don't agree with it and if there was something i could do I would' because we are often held up to and forced to uphold shitty standards by the companies we work for. But our moral values often differ drastically from that of some corporate pawn. I've worked at 3 different restaurants now and the managers are all ALSO employees trapped under the thumb of a bigger boss who manipulates shit behind the scenes.

And God those staged fucking duplicate 'Watch me quit' text messages going around too. If your employer really speaks to you that way then yeah. You go queen. Leave their ass. I've never met anyone in my career who speaks to their employees that way. If I ask if you can come in- i am not forcing you. You can say no and I'll literally be like "ok cool thanks for letting me know! 👍"

I feel like y'alls singular experiences with McDonald's or Wendy's has rotted your brains. There's a reason the Workers union allows unsalaried managers to join. We are not the people who installed your automatic schedule maker. Or approve your days off.

The most frustrating thing i've ever experienced was our overseer didn't let us go home for 5 hours after snow cut the power out bcus 'it might turn back on'. My GM bought us all hamburgers while we sat in the 35° lobby and kept asking our overseer on our behalf why we had to stay. We built snowmen outside while we waited. It was not our fault that the 7 of us could not go home. We still joke that we got paid to eat burgers and build snowmen that day. We still resent how our company handles power outages. We still can't do jack shit because we aren't unionized. We are helpless employees too.

[crossfireketosharktank]

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[ambymyself]

Ehhh

#8

march 27, 2022

10a

it’s sunday and i had a great week but i didn’t do anything at all except go to work. i started this post because i’m excited. i just ordered a new monitor and it was really expensive and want to tell everybody about it, but at the same time i don’t, so i’m telling myself in this journal! also, my sleep schedule is messed up. well, for normal people it is, but it’s perfect for me. i’ve been going to sleep at 2p and waking up at about 10-11p, which makes me 1/2 morning person and 1/2 night owl. it’s great! i can sleep for as long as i need to without needing an alarm to wake me up, so i have plenty of time to get ready for work. the only “problem” is that i don’t see my family at all.... but i like it. i have gotten about 5-10 texts all week from my whole family so it feels like i don’t exist anymore, which is my dream.

so every night when i wake up, i just get on discord and talk to my friends until they go to bed and then i am on my own for the rest of the night/early morning. lately we have been playing satisfactory and i didn’t think i’d like it as much as i do, it’s really fun. that’s pretty much what i’ve been up to the past week, other than thinking about how i started journaling again.

i’ve been planning a lil bit about what to talk about in this silly ol journal thing and realized i have a lot i wanna talk about with myself. there’s a lot on my mind right now that i feel like i need to write down and i feel like i’m going to enjoy writing these thoughts, because i know i’m going to be interested in reading these entries way off in the future, like i am now with all my older entries. i like how much my writing has improved over the years, before it felt a little scattered but now everything i say seems to flow nicely. (where did i get it from? i am uneducated) i have many topics to discuss and i don’t know if i want to start on this post or dedicate each topic their own post. we’ll see.

i wrote down things that i want to talk about on a piece of paper, and those include: self esteem, love 😮, trauma, neglect, truth about myself, and family issues. i realize a day later that all of those have a lot to do with each other... so i don’t know how i’m gonna go about that. i’m gonna start with love and see what happens. 👍

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so, love. this is something i’ve been pondering about for a while now, and never really had someone to talk about it with. it’s hard for me to talk about love, like family love, romantic love and platonic love. i don’t think i’m comfortable enough with my family or even my friends. i don’t trust my family at all, and i’m not really sure how i would talk about it with my friends. this is a very vulnerable subject and as far as my friends are concerned, i have no business being vulnerable with them. they just don’t know me like that. i’ve never shown them the sensitive side of me, i’ve always been the funny outgoing person. still, they are the ones who i go to when i need to vent about other things such as family issues and stuff that isn’t purely about myself in a deeper sense. we talk about love and relationships a lot, but usually it’s never about me. i don’t talk about love deeply with them, only surface level stuff like having a crush on a girl, nothing super serious. i don’t think they ever asked me about my sexuality, i bet they just assume or something. if they asked me, i don’t know what i would say because i don’t know either! i know i like girls and boys, but it’s not equal. i think it all depends on who the person is, really. if someone tried to force me to answer, i would say bisexual but i don’t like having a label printed over my personality. i’ve only told one cousin this, and they know more about me than anyone. i’ll call this person JL to make things easier.

my relationships i have are very complex. it’s like i have many personalities and only certain people can see certain versions of me, while my most deep and vulnerable side is only for me to see. my friends can see how funny and outgoing i could be, but at the same time can see how shy and patient i am. my closest cousin (JL) can see how honest and loyal i can be about everything. in school, my old teachers knew how smart i could be by looking at my work, and the rest of the world knows nothing. i’m close to my grandma a little, about the same as my mom. however they don’t know much about me, even though they think they do. they just know their own idea of me. most of my family doesn’t even really know me anymore, as i have watered down my personality to almost nothing. to them i am just... here. i’m the quiet and crabby one, with little occasional exceptions like a joke here and there. one part of my family is OK with me, and the other part thinks i’m a snake because i’ve “snitched” on them whenever they said something NASTY about people i cared about. so i’m not sure whether they like me or not. whenever they ask what i’ve been up to, i just say work because if i told them, they would think of something negative about it. they say they love me, but for some reason i just don’t feel it.

maybe i just don’t know what love feels like? i know i should love my family, especially my mom and grandma, but it doesn’t show. it’s hard for me to show affection. when i try, it doesn’t feel genuine so that’s why i question whether or not i feel love. i wanna know what love truly feels like, from somebody who actually cares. right now, it feels like nobody really cares, or cares enough... but maybe it’s just me. whenever i think about me disappearing and never seeing my family again, i feel guilty about it. is that love? what is that feeling? is that just grief from losing a bond i’ve had with them my whole life? i’ve never had anybody to show me what love feels like, and if that’s what it feels like then i don’t think i can do it. OR maybe i’m just not accepting the love i have now. (am i a brat for being like this? there are people who don’t have family love.)

i’ve also never had a romantic relationship. my family knows this, i’m known for it. they make jokes about it. it feels lighthearted to them, but to me it hurts. they always ask why i’m not with anybody yet, and it’s because i just don’t feel like i can do much in a relationship. if i ever did find somebody, i don’t think i’d bring them home. my family is very pick and choose when somebody brings someone home, and they can be fucking awful and hateful if they don’t like them. but having a relationship sounds really nice and i really want one, but what if i’m not good enough? i’ve never gone out looking for someone, i’ve just been waiting here as if someone is just gonna come up to my door and ask if they wanna date. also, i just never saw anybody around here that i wanted something with that WASN’T off limits. by that i mean distant cousin or already taken. it’s so hard for me to find someone around here!!! how do people do it!!! i don’t like anyone!!! all i have are crushes, and they are WAY out of reach, and probably off limits too. 

i have this one fat crush on somebody i found on IG. i have no idea who this person is but i’ve never had a crush like this one before. it’s the kind where i get excited when i see them post. is that love or is it just me being pathetic. someone might ask “why don’t you shoot your shot then???” but they live across the country and....might not even be attracted to me. they don’t even know i exist. IT’S AN INTERNET CRUSH 😭. the possibility is there, but it’s very small and i don’t want to get my feelings hurt lol. i’ll just enjoy thinking about this person a lot until the crush slowly fades away, and hopefully i’ll find somebody for real. 

i just want somebody who i can be myself, who i am comfortable showing all the different versions of me. i can’t find comfort in anybody i know, and i know it’ll be hard for me to figure out how and when. it’s just me, and i am getting kinda lonely. i want to feel seen completely by somebody, not just the side i show them.

it’s 11:30a now and it feels like i didn’t talk about much???? that’s enough for now. i learn a little bit more of myself every time i write but this time it feels like i didn’t learn enough. oh well! talk about family issues in the next one. see ya ✌

[strxnged]

ahh turns out im back for a bit lol, i honestly have no clue when ill be active, it could be tomorrow or in a couple weeks lol.

im so glad that my parents office opened for families to come in and enjoy the ac. and its perfect because they just renovated and now im sitting in a cool hanging chair with a view of the buildings below us through the floor to ceiling windows. seriously this place is so cool.

WHOS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER IN PROMISED NEVERLAND?? ray is my absolute favorite and i love him so much omg.

i havent done any team sports but i did karate for 5 years. but then covid happened so classes stopped, and im thinking of quitting anyway since all my friends are off to college and my friends that are my age all quit. and i am not for teaching a bunch of bratty middle schoolers because i lose my patience easily lol, they remind me of younger me though, and i cringe thinking about how annoying younger me was haha.

though im looking for boxing lessons though. karate was great and i was good at it because im really strong, and the instructor made me focus on my punches all the time since i was the best in the class so thats where i got the idea of boxing from. i might as well focus on my strengths. also i wanna start because of the aesthetic too lol, and prime character development haha, living my life like im the main character.

literally my only goal in life is to become the main character. like straight out of a novel, aesthetic asf and badass is what im going for. like vibey and cool but also someone you can have deep convos with?? and strangely wise? and resourceful in a bunch of random things is what im going for lmao. idk if ill actually make it though because the image of myself in my head is different than what i actually am.

BESTIE I THINK YOU WOULD BE THE MAIN CHARACTER TOO, LIKE YOU JUST GIVE OFF THOSE VIBESSS

gl in the heat, i hope the heat wave ends soon, i am in pain.

ooh okay !! yeah, idk what my schedule looks like either, some days i'm gone except for like three posts and then there are day like today where i'm just answering asks plsss

oh my gosh that's good. it's just so crazily hot this week in a lot of places and it's not sAFE. OH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VIBE WAIT YES

pls norman is totally my favourite. major sugawara koushi vibes ngl 👍 he's like suga but child and also stuck in a dystopia or something but wahuwahahw

ooh karate?? that's sickk a friend of mine did taekwondo and although i never actually saw her in action i admired her for it (pls idk if she's gonna read this so i'll just tag her @minadreams love u niner). EW MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS i literally CANNOT be around 75% of them it's just badddd they all remind me of myself or other people i knew when we were that age and just. no. no.

NO THAT'S ACTUALLY SO AWESOME I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR YOU BECAUSE OF THAT. BECAUSE YOU SHOULD DO THAT, I AGREE. YOU ARE SO SKILLED AND HAVE SO MANY STRENGTHS AND YOU'RE ALREADY BADASS GIRL AND YES YOU TOTALLY GIVE OFF THE VIBES OF SOMEONE I WOULD LOOK UP TO AND ALSO WANNA HAVE DEEP CONVOS UP LATE AT NIGHT WITH OR SOMETHING

stop wait i can't express how much fun this topic is to me but i promise that if we were talking at two am i would start ranting about what a fun concept it is and it would quickly be five am. i TOTALLY get having a different mental image of yourself, and i try so hard to keep mine accurate but it's so hard to understand the outward vs the inward persona pls

bestie you have no idea what that did to me. let's make out rn im serious

MHM MHM we got this, we strong badass main characters 💪💪