#selfish for sanity

[pseudophan]

i think people on twitter have a fighting fetish because otherwise what explains this nonsense

it's genuinely unbelievable at this point i swear they're inventing new things to argue about

[clits-and-clips]

Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain

[steady-diet]

be the change you want to be in the fandom and write the Belle Époque longfic!

Haha well my historical area of expertise isn't in French history at all so that would be genuinely pathetic of me to do so when there are French art history students in this fandom (who are also lovely people and their insight is amazing...shoutout quebec gaspard) the last thing I'd want to do is sound like a ouiaboo using google ** results in Justice cosplay omfg

I'm hoping I will check the tag again and see something cool bc my current brainrot (clair obscur) has enabled the belle epoque mind palace lol

[sowthetide]

Wretched Squid or Horrid Wolf, which is worse at acknowledging how the one they love has been irrevocably changed by war and possibly cannibalism?

robb totally ate lannister tenderloin via grey wind, so at least they have that to bond over </3

[killuaisaprincess]

People really be like Ki’s fam tho Ki does his best for everyone and keeps lots his feelings locked in 😭 and when he’s finally allowed to break down or show ‘em people shit on him I stg IM LIKE BLOW A GASKET

He deserves so much more 😭

HOW CAN ANYONE HATE THIS CUTE FACE

[cruesuffix]

heyy… i’m not the usual mick dreamer. but i had a horrible dream about mick being dead. and it was so real, i didn’t even realize it was a dream.

it started as a rumor about mick being dead on tiktok. and it spread, so i tried to go to seraina’s twitter but for some reason it didn’t work. and i remember how fucking scared i was. and then i went on tumblr and YOU and some other people posted something about it. i think you wrote something about not knowing if it was true but you were really scared and upset. and that’s when i started believing mick was genuinely dead. i don’t remember what happened after that.

it’s so weird that you were in it too, but i know you as one of the biggest mick fans, so i guess that’s why. the whole dream was just so realistic… when i woke up i was like “thank god that wasn’t real!” mick better be immortal.

(so sorry for this, i hope you’re having a good day/night!)

omg anon… this being posted before may 4th is very precarious for me cause like… i don’t wanna start nothing lmaooo,,,

if it helps i did just wake up from a nap (because i’ve been feeling a bit bleh for most of the day i swear i don’t take naps all the time!!) and i had a dream where there was a vid of mick playing a sonic game on yt and i was trying to find it to watch it… if it helps i did fall asleep watching a game grumps vid so thats probably why.

also my dream cameo debut?? everything about that dream kinda seems like something that would happen when the inevitable happens. like most ppl in the fandom would probably go here (this blog) just to figure out if it was true. i’m happy to know everyone kinda knows me as “the” mick mars stan… but now i kinda realize i have that sort of responsibility to “break the news” when that day comes. i’m always incredibly paranoid about these things cause my mind is trying to tell me not to post this “just in case” but i can’t just ignore you anon! as you can see, i’m very sensitive about this topic lmaooo. still i’m sorry you had a kind of sucky mars dream!! i hope you have a happier one very very soon, it seems like our mars dreamer anon is the only one getting really nice mars dreams lately but i hope you have another one and it’s a nicer one where you get to sit and chat with him or something idk.

(also… a dream like that would have made me cry omg i hope he’s like ozzy and lives forever plsplspls!!)

[savage-kult-of-gorthaur]

TRANSMISSIONS FROM THE SLUDGE/DOOM VINYL UNDERGROUND -- TUNE LOW, PLAY SLOW.

A.) DYSTOPIA – "Diary of a Battered Child"

B.) NOOTHGRUSH – "Procreation of the Wicked" (CELTIC FROST cover)

C.). BONGZILLA – "Gestation"

D.) CORRUPTED – "Nieve"

PIC(S) INFO: Spotlight on the four sides of the "Twin Threat to Your Sanity" 7 inch EP, featuring crucial '90s underground acts such as: DYSTOPIA, NOOTHGRUSH, BONGZILLA, & CORRUPTED, released on Bad People Records, Riotous Assembly, and Selfish Fucker Records in 2001.

Source: www.discogs.com/release/714387-Various-Twin-Threat-To-Your-Sanity.

[seventh-district]

not even gonna try to contain this vent post within the tags bc i can just feel that i'm gonna yap

for the first time in a very long time, i'm watching an old video of me, age 13, playing with my dog on the kitchen floor. and i can barely handle the envious sight of how absolutely free i was. like, i know i've rewatched this video at a few other points in time in the nearly 12 years since i recorded it, but i've never really watched the full thing, paying as much attention as possible to every single detail.

i initially dug it up the other night because it's one of the only videos i have of Sassy on my current phone, and i wanted to.. see her again. but while i was analyzing every frame of the 3min video trying to drag as much of her memory out of the past as i possibly could, it dawned on me in a way it never has before just how unbelievably free i was behaving.

i was on the floor. touching it, sitting on it, putting my hands down on it and then (to my current self's horror and disgust) putting them on my cheeks, touching my face. i sat my drink down on the floor next to me. i picked Sassy up over and over again and then touched my face and drink and then i picked her up again and actually put my mouth on the top of her head to give her a little kiss. i did all of it without a second thought. it obviously came so naturally to me. i was moving around, interacting with the world around me in such an unbelievably normal way that i barely even recognize myself. and i was doing everything so quickly, too. i had energy. i moved (what seems to me now as) recklessly (though to a normal person it is probably just. normally.) and i just touched anything and did anything and. there weren't any consequences. it was fine.

that was roughly 1.5 years before Sassy dropped dead with zero warning and zero explanation and i developed severe OCD.

my memory is too far gone for me to figure out if the two events were cause-and-effect, or simply happened to take place around the same time in my life. it's not like i kept any sort of detailed log of my developing symptoms so i don't know if i'll ever be sure.

regardless, all i can focus on is how nowadays i wouldn't be able to do any of that. nothing aside from my shoes can come into contact with the floor. and i cannot come into direct skin contact with my shoes. if i find myself in a situation where i have to sit on the floor, as soon as i can get up, i have to remove all clothes that touched it and put them in the dirty laundry, and wash my hands, and if i had to touch my phone after touching the floor, i have to disinfect it. i will under no circumstances touch my face after contacting the floor until my hands are washed. i cannot touch or pet or hold either of my pets without washing my hands and preferably removing whatever clothing they came into contact with.

they are not allowed in my room nor my bed. Sassy slept in my bed with me every night. i never put my mouth on their fur to give them a kiss. i gave Sassy head kisses without a thought. they are not allowed to lick me. i used to find another one of my past dog's 'kisses' on my hands to be very endearing and unproblematic. now if it happens i have to wash it off immediately. anything that gets touched between my hands contacting either pet and being washed, i have to disinfect it.

i mean it with my entire fucking heart and soul when i say that OCD is an insidious disorder. having lived with it for a decade now, i couldn't be more aware of this. but, therein lies the exact point i'm trying to make. in spite of knowing that it has wormed it's way into every single aspect of my life, brain, and personality, it's entire nature is defined by the fact that it will do so, and it'll do it in such a way that the disordered mindset becomes your new normal. it had managed to completely overwrite a lot of my pre-disorder memories of how i used to... operate in the world around me. it has entirely altered the way i do every. single. thing. to the point where i just can't even fathom how it used to be any different. if i didn't have videos like this one to serve as proof that things did used to be different, i wouldn't have any basis for what my "normal" ever even was. it robbed me of those memories entirely.

let's fish one example out of the thousands of different ones i've got siting around: i've spent years trying to figure out how i used to take a shower that didn't take me an entire hour. i have no video of something like that obviously, so it just feels like.. like when i try to envision how i used to bathe myself it literally just goes black in my brain. there's no memory or mental images left in there. i can't fathom it. i mush have just been walking around halfway clean. i don't know. i don't understand how anyone can take a "quick" shower and get out feeling clean. my brain just absolutely cannot grasp it because the OCD is all that's left. it snuck in and completely rewrote the code of who i am and how my brain functions and how i perceive the world and i am never going to get my old self back. no amount of medication or therapy can truly, fully undo the damage it's done to my mind and body.

i mean. i have learned to live with it, barely. i wouldn't really call what i do 'living' but i am. surviving. and some of my obsessions and compulsions have the tendency to fade in and out over time, so i've been able to CBT myself out of some of the most disabling ones. showers take 1 hour now instead of 1.5 to 2.

i can read normally again now, after that period of time around uhh 2018 i think where i could barely read since i had to count the letters of every single word i saw. that was a pretty miserable time and i eventually forced myself mostly out of it. but i still slip back into it when i'm exceptionally stressed, which makes written communication difficult. but it's not like you can just explain that to people and expect them to believe you. but the uh. idk what to call it. OCD cranked the pattern-seeking part of my brain up so far that the metaphorical knob broke off and so the uh. like. the ability for me to notice which words have what amount of letters is always there, i'm just good at overriding it now. that's what 'learning to live with OCD' is like for me. the tracks that it carves into my brain never go away, i just get better at overriding them. but certain stupid little rules never really leave you, like if i'm lengthening a word like turning 'no' into 'noooooo' or 'holy' into 'hooooly' then the new lengthened form of the word has to have a 'good' number of letters like 3 or 7 or whatever my brain deems fit.

i can sit small objects down now without compulsively checking that the surface i'm about to sit them on is clean. ...most of the time. that got really annoying but also embarrassing to be seen doing it. having to re-wipe the counter down every time i'd pick up my water bottle and put it back down. trying to do Anything in the kitchen was an absolute nightmare. and yeah it still takes me a long time to cook anything, and there's countless other compulsions that make me dread the kitchen, and yeah i still can't sit large objects down without thoroughly inspecting the surface below them, and. sigh. there's no making this one sound like it's much improved at all. cause it hasn't

at least the compulsion to re-live and commit to memory every possible detail of my dreams immediately upon waking has left me. that's one rare example of a compulsion that has totally left instead of just adapting to be less intrusive. it was so miserable laying there for ages every morning trying to force any shred of memory out of my dreams and then panicking when i oftentimes couldn't remember anything.

anyways. i could and would have to write a literal book to fit in even half of all the examples of every single compulsion i've ever had in the last 10 years. most of them are still with me. some of them are very.. evolved, but most of them are still with me in one form or another. there isn't a single aspect of the way that i interact with the world around me that isn't heavily influenced by my OCD.

i don't expect to ever get to be that 13y/o kid again. and even back then, i was far from neurotypical. mental things were already starting to spiral for me around 11 or so. but none of my other (numerous) illnesses hold a candle to the disabling effect that OCD had and has on me. it's one of the WHO's top 10 most debilitating illnesses in the world, physical health issues included. i think i heard it ranked at #7, ironically enough. that stat might not still be accurate but i can't help but constantly want to quote it because i think one of the most tortuous aspects of OCD is the inability of those who don't have it to truly grasp how much you're struggling. how bad it is. it's taken so unseriously by the majority of those who don't have it, that trying to get across to someone how much you're struggling feels like this constant uphill battle that you never asked to fight.

one of the most difficult things for me to live with is the knowledge that most people just aren't going to understand. or believe me. and feeling unseen while suffering through immense pain is just. it's maddening. and dealing with that exact issue of struggling so much, both in physical sorts of pain and with mental illnesses, and having everyone around me never take it seriously enough.. it has been such a prevalent part of my life for so long that it just. it's slowly driving me fucking insane lol. not to be dramatic. i know i've got a relatively easy life. but there is always gonna be this invisible, bleeding wound on my soul that gets torn open a little wider every time i have to look someone in the eye and try, exhaustedly, to explain the absolute dumpster fire shitshow that i have to live with in my brain 24/7, only to get some fuckass excuse of a response like 'haha yeah i know what you mean! i'm a little OCD too!' and they just like. like seeing things organized neatly and sometimes experience a passing worry that they left the stove on.

and i just wanna say that 'we are playing life on two very different difficulty levels and i don't think i'll ever be able to get that across to you' but no i have to be nice and downplay it and get along bc it's just not worth it. i'm so fucking tired. OCD is exhausting enough to live with, let alone trying to educate other people on it.

maybe one day ill post that stupid excuse of a poem i wrote regarding my frustration with that exact experience.

but like i said, i don't ever expect this to go away. medication only treats the symptoms and i can only force myself to suffer through so much CBT. this will be with me forever, in a significant capacity. i just hope that before i die, i'll get to know what it's like to have someone look me in the eye and understand. not necessarily from personal experience, but to at least know me well enough to be able to understand how serious i am when i say that OCD ruined my life.

but it might turn out that the only place i'll be able to find that level of understanding and acceptance, is when i look in the mirror.

that might just have to be enough.

[unnonexistence]

i started doing climate data transcription on Zooniverse today & it's nice. i feel a certain kinship with these 1950s weather observatory scientists who were trying to use up their stack of preprinted-for-the-1940s observation sheets & had to keep crossing out the "4" in the year field. they were doing it until at least 1952

[sonicranger1]

Guys, guys where are you getting the "Ink only protects the AUs for entertainment" from like genuinely where. Did. You. Get. That. From???

If we wanna go into selfish reasons for why ink protects the AUs maybe, and this might be super crazy but hear me out, bring up the fact without their existence/creation he can't get the paint they need to feel emotions : 0

[talentforlying]

the mermaid: do you think ever really loved me? constantine: ah, now. listen, you can go back and forth about what's genuine, what's lies. none of it matters. you take it from me ... all love's magic. and all magic has a price.

behold: a guy who has been so starved of affection and approval and visible love his whole life that he takes whatever he can get when the opportunity presents itself to be loved, regardless of what it will cost him. who loves unapologetically and hard and without regret, regardless of whether it's good for him.

[kyuponstories]

calmwrimo day 4

So I didn't get any writing done and I didn't get the blog post up for this Saturday. But I don't feel too bad about it, because today was a bit frustrating outside of creativity and I know that's where today's lack of writing stems from. I also didn't get to have as much alone time today. But I did do 10 squats today, so small win, yes? 🤪

Anyways, will get back at it tomorrow! 💪🏾

[heckahecker]

@ nick cutter hello…….. hi

[otaconsloverboy]

Now that it's been a month I can say it's felt great since leaving my job. Like I actually can breathe and think more level headed. Yeah I can't afford things really right now and I have to pressure my money on groceries/catfood primarily but thats okay. It'll be temporary. But ive been able to spend more time with people I love and my cat who turns 10 in a few days.

Ive felt my creativity come back and been able to listen to what my body needs. I often forget I have a pretty severe autoimmune issue and that I have infact almost died several times (illness related, young age too) and I need to stop expecting myself to live to a "normal" standard.

Ive stopped buying stupid useless random things I don't really need nor have space for right now, I can sleep as long as I need, I don't have a fucking anxiety attack that I'll either A) get the shit beat out of me at work cause too many ppl for my comfort knew where I work and B) die. On account of the man who got shot point blank in the back of the head on halloween in the food court 1 hour after I left work. Or on account of the several groups of teenage boys always fighting and involving mall employees. Or the time the one guy got? Jumped i think outside my storefront but just a little put of the way, bro was Bleeding from the back of his head but bailed b4 security showed. They didn't clean the blood up good enough either. Or the mall security guards all being freaks and even one of them stalking my friend legitimately. Or-

[nightmare8-420]

sorry if its been bland chat

will try to have more mental breakdowns on main 😔😔

[savage-kult-of-gorthaur]

FILE UNDER: '90s SLUDGE, SLUDGE/DOOM, DOOM METAL, WEED METAL, SLUDGE/CRUST, STONER METAL, COMPILATIONS, ETC...

PIC(S) INFO: Part 1 of 2 -- Spotlight on the "Twin Threat to Your Sanity" 7 inch EP, featuring key '90s underground acts such as: DYSTOPIA, NOOTHGRUSH, BONGZILLA, & CORRUPTED, released on Bad People Records, Riotous Assembly, and Selfish Fucker Records in 2001.

LABEL(S): Bad People Records – BPR-017, Riotous Assembly – none, Selfish Fucker Records – Fucker 003

FORMAT: Vinyl, 7", 45 RPM Vinyl, 7", 33 ⅓ RPM, Compilation

COUNTRY: US

RELEASED: 2001

GENRE: Rock

STYLE: Sludge Metal

Sources: www.piokok.com/post/6716406434421064544568, discogs, various, etc...