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spacemanxpaninis · 10 months ago

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Who in Hogan’s Heroes is Most Likely to Be With an Alt Person?

Inspired by a chat in my discord 😌 enjoy HH fans and alt people, or if you’re me both 😆

MOST

Marya

Hogan

Carter

Helga

LeBeau

Klink

Kinch

Hilda

Newkirk

Schultz

Least

• We all know Marya would be all over you. Flirting with you immediately, teasing you and giving you both compliments and pet names. It becomes her personal mission to fluster you who look so unflappable and also just to put a smile on your face. You are more than your looks to her just as she is to you- you have such interesting stories to tell and her attention will be on you the entire time.

• Colonel Hogan is lowkey into everybody, I said what I said 🤷🏻‍♀️ your alt style is almost like a challenge to him. A danger. What can he say? He likes a little danger. Hopefully that style of yours comes with the teasing attitude he can’t help falling for. Hogan is happy to swap leather jackets with you or better yet you’ll forget yours so he can unzip his and drape it over you, not in any hurry to take his hands off.

• If anyone is to look at you with simple, whimsical curiosity, it’s one Mr. Andrew Carter. He’ll be open approaching you with questions even if they do come out bashful from the way you look at him, the rush he feels at your gaze. Carter hopes your rebellious streak lends to enjoying blowing things up, too, and he’s the most understanding person you’ll ever meet if you feel like you’re different because you know what? So does he.

• Our Miss Helga loves a bad boy/girl 😌 It gives her a rush just looking at you and thinking of all the places you could sweep her off to. How she could escape a dull life as a secretary for some unknown adventure and danger with you. No shame in some little fantasies as she works, she tells herself.

• Louis LeBeau? Our short king who will kill you? Simps for an alt person. You’ve got fire in you and he respects that. And sure, it turns him on a little too. He’s only human, after all! It warms his heart to see you putting spike collars on the guard dogs and being so sweet with them despite your intimidating looks. He probably teases you a lot but is very flirty, too. Comes up with some French nickname for you having a dark side even though you’re so nice!

• Sorry, but not sorry: Klink is turned on by the leather. The boots. The power you exude. The moment you enter Wilhelm Klink’s office and his life, he is a simp for you. He’s wrapped around your finger ready to give you whatever you want. Wine and dine of course and he may try to play you a little music- go easy on him! Or don’t. He won’t mind 🤷🏻‍♀️

• Not that they hurt, but looks aren’t everything to Kinch. He cares more about what’s inside and he respects that the way you dress is your personal expression. It does appeal to him how unique your expression is and he is actually the most willing to try out elements of your style. He just laughs and does voices as you dress him up, reveling a bit in being taken care of since he is such a natural caretaker himself.

• Hilda likes a bad boy/girl too, but she also has more desire for someone to settle down with. You’re attractive and a lot of fun, but she’ll definitely feel a bit of a desire to nail you down. Or maybe you two will simply end up fighting for who gets to pin who down…👀

• Newkirk, for all his antics, would feel a bit insecure in his masculinity around someone with a tough image. Especially when it comes to women, he likes the feminine look and someone he feels like he can have a little control over. Not that he’s fully toxic, but he definitely wants to be the dominant partner and be the one rakishly sweeping you off your feet, not the other way around! He’d need some convincing.

• Sweet Sergeant Schultz, quite frankly, is intimidated by you. Maybe even a little confused when he sees the way you dress and carry yourself. He might even ask why you’re dressed like that not realizing it isn’t for some role or purpose, you just enjoy it! Once he hears that and especially if you show him a sweet or flirty side (or both!), though, you will quickly have him forced to admit he’s attracted to you.

#hogan’s heroes #hogan’s heroes headcanons #hogan’s heroes x reader #colonel hogan #corporal newkirk #corporal lebeau #sergeant carter #colonel klink #sergeant schultz #robert hogan #peter newkirk #louis lebeau #andrew carter #wilhelm klink #hans schultz #marya hoganova #helga #hilda

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frau-wilhelm-klink · 9 months ago

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Well, I finally got around to doing these! It's a little long – and some of my takes may be unpopular – but these are still my headcanons🤷🏻‍♀️ (Had to make a few minor edits to 'em now that I'm properly awake, though.) So without further ado, buckle up and take a peek under the cut!

The Germans

Schultz:

1) Is definitely not a Nazi! Cases can be made for him being both neutral and pro-Allied, but I like to think of him as neutral. He isn't a man who's into politics or anything like that, he just wants his toy factory back.

2) Low-key thinks of Hogan and his team as additional nephews, so does his best to be somewhat responsible while still being the fun uncle.

3) Has privately asked Hogan off screen to make sure he, his family and Klink aren't blamed and/or arrested for crimes they didn't commit after the war. Schultz doesn't think that would happen...but given everything that went down after World War I with the Treaty of Versailles, he isn't taking any chances.

______

Hochstetter:

1) Is a hardcore, unapologetic Nazi who hates the Geneva Convention's very existence. Only tolerates it because of Klink's insistence that his prisoners be treated humanely, and despite the disrespect he shows the kommandant, Hochstetter is aware he's outranked.

2) Has gotten to the point where he's obsessed about Hogan more than a teenager with a celebrity crush. Like, he's just a legitimate stalker at this point🤣 Hochstetter is determined to prove Hogan is Papa Bear at any cost, if for no other reason then so his superiors will stop assuming he's not mentally all the way there.

3) Is very good at his job, surprisingly enough! Hochstetter makes a damned fine detective when he's not dealing with anything involving - or potentially involving - Stalag 13. Fortunately for the boys, he tends to let his hatred and obsession with Hogan blind him to a lot of things, resulting in him dropping the ball on more than one occasion. (Most notably, the episode with Group Captain Roberts.) Of course, Hogan being able to play him like a fiddle doesn't help Hochstetter's case either.

______

Gertrude Linkmeyer:

1) Knows in her heart of hearts that her husband Otto is probably dead. As Burkhalter once told her, that's usually what 'missing in action' at the Russian Front means. But Gertrude won't ever admit that out loud because as long as she keeps denying it, she can hold on to the fragile hope that he might still be alive. Is still internally grieving for him nonetheless, though.

2) Contrary to popular belief, doesn't actually want a romantic relationship with Klink. She likes him and thinks he's cute, but she's mature enough to know you need more than that to be happy in a relationship. However, Gertrude is going along with her brother's attempts to force the pair into marriage for two reasons.

She can see Klink appears to be somewhat naïve in a few ways, and she wants to protect him from women who would use him...of which there have been a few. As stated above, Gertrude genuinely does like him as a person in his own right, so she figures a platonic marriage of convenience would be the best way to accomplish that goal. (He would also be much safer too - nobody in their right mind is gonna risk Burkhalter raining his wrath down on them because they messed with his sister's husband.) But Klink keeps pushing her away because he doesn't realize what she's trying to do. It's very much a 'I'm trying to help you here, dummkopf!' kinda vibe.

Gertrude knows Burkhalter (supposedly) barely tolerates Klink, and it baffles her as to why he would constantly try to shove them together at all in that case. The tension alone would make the holidays a living hell. But she says nothing, choosing to obey his wishes like a dutiful sister should. Gertrude is smart enough to see the grave error in judgment Burkhalter's made for himself; she's just waiting for her brother to figure it out after it's too late so she can have the last laugh.

3) Actively 'wears Burkhalter's rank' (aka uses the 'My brother is a general' card) to get things done if she really wants to. Has also used her relationship with Burkhalter behind the scenes to keep him from sending Klink off to the Front on several occasions for the reasons listed above.

******

The POWs/Allies

Kinch:

1) Is the majority brain cell holder, and therefore the only one who has a hope in hell of stopping Hogan when he gets on a roll.

2) Is on a first-name basis with Hogan in private because the two of them are friends. Nevertheless, Kinch only uses that privilege when he really needs to get Hogan's attention...usually for something critical.

3) Is utterly fascinated by all types of communicative technology. Radios, telephones, TVs...you name it, Kinch is interested in learning more about how it works.

______

LeBeau:

1) Is a mother hen whenever anyone is sick - especially Newkirk and Hogan - because he knows they don't take proper care of themselves. Will deliberately wait until Newkirk is too sick to protest, then shove foods that are extra French down his throat as part of their friendly ongoing French-English rivalry.

2) Is perpetually miffed by Hogan's blatant refusal to let him and Newkirk go on Nazi-killing sprees. Legitimately wonders if Hogan has actually lost his mind on occasion as well.

3) Gets frustrated sometimes because he doesn't understand all the references (such as sayings, terms, etc) to American culture in the barracks. Relies heavily on Kinch (and to an extent, Hogan) to explain them to him.

______

Newkirk:

1) Hates any and all authority figures with a passion, due to having had all of them treat him like dirt because he's poor. Hogan is the one exception to that rule - Newkirk would do anything for his CO if asked. He appreciates how Hogan sees him as a person and values him for his skills, as opposed to his financial status.

2) Will never admit it out loud, but is a serious worrywart, especially when it comes to Carter or LeBeau.

3) Would rather die than ever admit he needs help. Newkirk was raised to believe every bit of help comes with a price, which is why he's extremely hesitant to ever ask for even the smallest thing.

______

Wilson:

1) Dearly wishes Hogan would give him some advance warning whenever the team goes out on missions so he can go to bed earlier. That would be much appreciated, considering he often gets dragged out of bed to patch up one or more of them at all hours of the night. It's one of the reasons he's a grumpy, salty medic. (The other part is because everyone always gives him lip and he's sick of it.) He's trying to help them stay healthy; the least they could do is be grateful!

2) Would absolutely sedate Newkirk and/or Hogan - and in his CO's case, has threatened to do so more than once - if need be. Literally keeps two small containers of makeshift anesthesia he had Carter whip up set aside with Hogan and Newkirk's names on it, just in case.

3) Has zero qualms about taking advantage of the fact that a medic's orders override anyone else's, including Hogan's. Every time the colonel gets sick, the two go through a similar song and dance.

Hogan insists he's "perfectly fine" (even if he sounds like death warmed over) and tries to leave to take care of his men.

Wilson tells him to stay put.

Hogan declines and says he's leaving.

Wilson tells him to stay put again, followed by threatening to have Schultz hold him down on the infirmary bed while he (Wilson) ties him to it.

Hogan indignantly squawks something to the effect of, "You wouldn't dare!"

Wilson - who has an evil little smile on his face by this point - replies, "With all due respect, sir, try me. Either you can willingly stay put until I clear you to leave, or you'll be doing it involuntarily. Medic's orders. So, what's it gonna be, Colonel?"

Hogan reluctantly gives in.

Wilson chalks up another win, all while questioning his life choices and mentally bemoaning the fact he has the world's worst patient for a commanding officer.

______

Crittendon:

1) Isn't as stupid as he appears to be. Didn't buy his rank - that would imply he's not talented enough to earn it on his own, and he would see that as an insult. Even if he had, Crittendon would be hard-pressed to keep it if he was truly that big a screw up. Nepotism only gets you so far. Plays the fool on purpose so people will let their guard down around him, thereby enabling him to make multiple escape attempts. Unfortunately, he's pretty lousy at escapes, so he always gets recaptured.

2) Genuinely means well, but still manages to mess things up. Part of it is because he's too into his role of the idiot officer; the other part of it is being easily distracted. Has deliberately interfered with Hogan's plans more than once as well. Crittendon is a veteran of WWI, so he feels he's the only one of the POWs who knows how to fight a war properly. He sees it as his duty to educate them how things should be done.

3) Was still mentally stuck in WWI the first time he was captured. At some point between his transfer out of Stalag 13 and his next appearance there, Crittendon realized the Nazis have no honor, and that the rules of WWI have all but been chucked out the window. This explains why he did a 180° shift in attitude regarding Hogan's operation. Went from a 'Oh dear, you poor, misguided Yank...you really have no clue how to fight a war properly, do you? Let me teach you how the game is played' vibe to a 'Right, Jerry may not have any honor now, but I still know better than you, old boy. More war experience and all that, wot wot?' one.

______

Marya:

1) Is, essentially, the female version of Hogan. She's just as smart as he is. But in a era where a woman's opinion holds less weight, she has to get creative with her scheming. Plus, Marya likes keeping Hogan on his toes. Not only does it ensure her wits stay sharp, it gives her great joy to frustrate him to no end solely for the entertainment value.

2) Also enjoys making over-complicated plans, same as Hogan does. Sure, she could level with him about what she wants to do from the start, but where's the fun in that?😂 She wouldn't tell him everything anyway; she's smart enough to know you should never put all your eggs in one basket. Marya is well aware Hogan is a great leader, but she also knows firsthand from life in the USSR that even the strongest leaders can fall, and she doesn't want to be caught in the backlash if that happens.

3) Is hardcore crushing on Hogan. (Can't blame her for that; he is very handsome.) Tries to let him know - and thereby enable him to make the first move - by flirting with him constantly. When that doesn't work, Marya begins doing the same thing with LeBeau, trying to make Hogan jealous enough to kiss her and mark her as his woman...which eventually works. Persistence for the win!

The rest of my headcanons about Schultz and Newkirk can be found on this document, along with my ones of Klink, Burkhalter, Hogan and Carter.

Also, if anyone is interested, I did write out Klink’s experiences in both wars here. It's told via flashback, however, which is why it abruptly jumps from World War I to World War II despite being in story format.

What are your top 3 headcanons for Hogan's Heroes in general?

What are your top 3 headcanons for each character?

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