#so i dont feel like ive wasted a day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

asummersday · 1 year

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#not quite a vent but #todays been a low energy kind of day #a bit heavier than yesterday and thursday #ive been wasting the day mostly doomscrolling and trying to manifest the energy to do at least one productive thing #so i dont feel like ive wasted a day #last night was fine. i was doing good. i even managed to write a little #todays just. ugh. thats the mood #school is officially over but i still have lots of things to figure out and its just. tiring to think about #i know itll pass. and i know i need to be patient w myself #but i hate those days #i just feel bad. no energy. like theres a cloud hanging over my head #heres to hoping tomorrows better ://#in some better news as well. i talked to my parents abt this #and it went so much better than i couldve hoped for #its still weird. like im waiting for the other shoe to drop but i think thats just me #if u read all of that here's a cookie and a hug and a reminder to hyrdate!! drink water!!!#<333

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prettyboykatsuki · 29 days

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learned 2 things today: i need to keep snacks in my bookbag and i need to carry a water bottle more urgently than i thought

#aristotle.txt #genuinely feel like im going to pass out guys 🥲#im genuinely dying but i havnt been picked up 💀💀 its almost 6 and ive been on campus since 9 💀#i did eat a little eat earlier in the day #had a gatorade too #and lemonade and water #i dont want to waste money taking a lyft home but i cannot walk to the bus stop like im so defeated 💀💀

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shokupanda · 2 months

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me when time moves forward at a steady pace: how the fuck is it more than halfway through july already. this fuckers rapidly sprinting when im not looking huh

#i have so many things i need to do #before the semester starts again this fall #i need to work on comms. i need to work on a project due the end of the month. i want to do artfight. i want to make art for myself. i want #to do art studies. i want to start an alt drawing more suggestive stuff. i mean what who said that mustve been the wind #and thats just the things related to drawing.#i need to organize my room. i need to learn [redacted]. i want to cook more. i want to socialize more. i want to play games. i want to-#watch and read and listen to so many things #yet i have a finite amount of time to do everything #and half of a day is consumed by me just snoozing #and when i do work on something i feel like im Not Efficient Enough.#i cant just chill in vcs i need to be productive and draw too. and if i dont make significant progress then I Have Failed.#i cant just watch New Season of Show. thats Time Focused on One Singular Activity. gotta do multiple things at once or ill feel bad after #because i know that once the semester starts back up then im gonna be 90% less online #back to the depths of graphic design hell making infographics and powerpoints and brand identities #not having the time to draw anything furry or for myself for several months #anywho its 5am #i should go to sleep #sorry for the ramble im just. only now realizing how little time i have #when i wake up i have to really lock in on drawing and stuff #ive wasted so much time playing a game this past week #if i hadnt played it idve made so much more progress by now and im kicking myself so bad mentally now that im like mostly done w the game #gahhh #anywho yeah sorry for the ramble ill post more soon #sho.scramblin

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opikiquu · 5 months

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aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE

#★ arin rambles #‘here we go again’ you think everytime you see my ramble tag. I dont blame you #AVENTURINE AVENTURINE PLEASE SAVE ME WHITE BOY #OH MY LORD #OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH MY GOODNESS.#MY JSOE IS RUNNING HES RUINNING MY LIFE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO ILL PLEASE I #AVENTURINE. im so serious i can talk about this man all day. and more specifically this video #‘it was just posted 30 minutes ago arin youre scaring the kids’ SILENCE. I NEED SPACE #I NEED A. A MOMENT. EVERYBODY PLEAS GETA WAY FROM ME IM GOING TO GET SO SCARY #Please. Im so sorry. Im begging you . I love this man oh my gish please hes so cute #HES SO CUTE. HES SO CUTE IM SO SICK OF HIM WHY???????? WHY IS HE SO PRETTY HES SO PRETTY HES GOREGOUS HES SO STUNNING. HELLO. HELLO.#Im going to. Slam my head against the wall im overwhelmed with joy and happiness hes everything ive ever wanted ever #any minute not spent talking about him is a moment wasted i promise you MY PRINCESS IM COMING TO SAVE YOU #IM HIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR EXCEPT ITS NOT SHINY #IM COVERED IN DIRT #IM STILL COMING FOR YOU AVENTURINE RUN #oh goodness me oh my #im so happy hes so prettu im so happy i cant do rhis im sweating geniumnly i feel so sick #Im cant . Do this anymore. I CANT TAKE IT. I HAVE TO… AAUGH… AAAHH… I HAVE TO…. DANCE!#guys…. he my favorriet…#my slinky….. my krimpet… my teacup i think. My doc mc stuffins doctor playset. My dishwasher. My italian coldsteel cinquedea . atp anything #hes my EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING…!!!!!!!! *MY TELEKENISIS THROWS EVERYTTHING ACROSS THE ROOM*#yall i dont think ive had a hyperfixation this horribly bad since. Since the. Since. MAN I DONT KNOW #IM COOKED. HE WOMT LEAVE ME ALONE. I LITERALLY DREAMT OF HIM LAST NIGHT LIKE IM SO DOOMED? ACTUALLY?#oh to be medicated and focus on . Things like cooking. Or idk. Getting a job. No i just think about some messed up blonde all day im absolut #ly DOOMED #yes im still yapping i got 30 tags u gon stick through them all. Every single one of them. Dont leave me please i want to talk about him ton #TO SOMEONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM TO SOMEONE ALL DAY. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TESTING. IM LEFT ALONE ALL DAY I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE #i womder how crazy i look right now #Sighs lovingly at him..

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jrueships · 1 month

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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐

#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um #so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of #which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time #but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work #BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one #i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule #so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule #and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one #sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me #sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore #n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr #i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT #I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO #like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days #but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2 #BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there #bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a #trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION #im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like #we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up #i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING #i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid

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satans-knitwear · 1 year

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Desperately want to play more jedi survivor (im having such a good time on it!!) but its such a nice sunny day, but im also horribly ill and movement hurts.

#My parents laughed at me bc i have a swolen throat and glansaround there so my grumpy face is ineffective and stupid-looking.#Baby belle wants to sit outside in the lovely sunshine but it hurts my head and makes me cough more out in the air so i cant stay with her #I also hate feeling useless and i dont usually let myself do things like gaming during the day.#I just feel guilty no matter what i do tbh. Not out in the sun??? Wasting a nice day. Gaming before 5pm??? Could be doing something useful.#Sit and rest quietly bc ill??? Wasting time that could be spent doing things ive been meaning to do like read etc.#I shall just complain to myself on tungl.com instead bc communicating my non-issues with other people makes me nauseaous #And i dont want to be a bother

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1roentgen · 14 days

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#incurable yap disease #i wonder if theres a medicine that makes people shut up bc surely i need it. i just feel bad for talking a lot idk but ig i just wanna #i wanna eat/drink something but i dont know what #maybe i want an ice cream #popsicle stick #if i go to 711 i will probably buy alcohol lol #i had bamboo soup and baozi for lunch today #wasnt that much but im not hungry rn #bored #im currently reading ‘the myth of sisyphus’ by camus #its pretty dense for me i gotta say. although a lot of it so far does resonate very much #i also cant help but compare many points to some basic buddhist #concepts. For example suffering being an inescapable fact of the indifferent universe and the ‘weariness’ or ความเบื่อหน่าย that arises #in rare moments of clarity #philosophy is kind of a lot to get into but i drive myself crazy by thinking so much anyway may as well give my brain actual substance yk #honestly it just feels like my thoughts are sludge these days #horrible mixture of unidentifiable shapes and liquids #ie egotistical angstlord nonsense and brainrot internet memes #there is nothing worthwhile or interesting in my head so i am not a worthwhile or interesting person when u really get down to it #i read a quote recently somewhere; how u spend ur day is how u spend u life #theres gotta be something more than this state of non-oblivion #if i die right now #well no thanks to me but ive had a pretty good life. so i wouldn’t say it was all wasted #but i just dream of something more. existence at another level #something more purposeful #man i got a stomachache maybe i am hungry #watch me say all this then change nothing

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the-pea-and-the-sun · 22 days

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having to budget for food an b careful w food an not having a lot of space to put my food can b pretty annoying but when my roomates are throwing away 3/4 of their groceries that i cannot touch it makes me feel like im going insane

#at least throw away the food ur gonna throw away in a timely manner so i dont have to watch it decompose on the counter for five days #i would jus throw it away for them but like. ive seen my roomate reheat pizza that had been on the counter for literally like 12 hours #so i dont wanna piss them off by accident sfjgsdlfkg #i would ask if theyre making too much when their cooking or whatever #but i have had zero pleasant interactions w these people. an being the fat person in a house full of skinny ppl i just dont feel comfortabl #asking that #so it just. goes to waste #my lease ends in fuckin MAY #incredibly jealous of my friend who has roomates who keep a clean kitchen an give her a designated shelf an spot in the fridge #an take a day out of each week for everyone to cook an eat together like. y couldnt i have had that. cmon man #i would LOVE to cook for them too but they jus . have not been approachable. if theyre even here when im cooking #most of them jus show up fuck up the kitchen leave a perfectly good meal sitting out and then dont show up again until ive gone to bed

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cavity-collector · 1 month

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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me #i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum #my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation #depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man #theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please #i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good #but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great #i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to #actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die #i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless #i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something #probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so #ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left #ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this #an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways #no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil #because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good #idk what im saying anymore #someone shoot me #please im not kidding #just make it stop #tw vent #tw sui #delete later

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conanssummerchild · 2 months

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im rewatching the good place again and its at the episode where micheal has that whole existential crisis about dying and chidi kinda says how he had one too and i was remembering my friend who said she had one when she discovered death as a kid, that never happened to me?? is that a common thing???

#it makes me sad to think about because it makes me think about how long ive been suicidal #like death never went from a far away concept in movies to something that happened to a loved one and made me question the brevity of life #it went from a far away concept to a recurring intrusive thought before i was even old enough that anyone i loved died #so much of my life has been wasted wishing i wasnt living it #i envy people who fear death because even when i wasnt actively suicidal death has always been something i felt id welcome rather than not #sighhhh the feels #they do be making me feel shit #bet my psycologist would have a field day with this #jk i dont go there anymore #i just. watch tv and then it makes me feel shit that i post on tumblr about #im so healthy #but i mean at least im not repressing it anymore #as much #13 year old me is shaking #in her boots #alex says shit #the good place #i guess #tw sui talk

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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hmm i like actually wanna kms

#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying #if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me #if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates #if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe #im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me #but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms #but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless #like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized #and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing #but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad #like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me #and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space #but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground #and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way #they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole #and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane #and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like #ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk #ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing #and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never #wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont #feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment #like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment #and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really #but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know

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orcelito · 3 months

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I'm being like astoundingly social lately. Starting from Thursday last week, I saw my girlfriend, then spent time with family on Friday, then saw my girlfriend again on Saturday + some of her friends, then watched a movie and drew stuff with friends on Sunday, then had a session 0 for new dnd on Monday, then watched anime with a friend on Tuesday. Off day on Wednesday. Then on THURSDAY I hung out with my girlfriend, had a study session with friend group (with mixed success at the studying part), AND watched anime with a friend again. And then today, watched a different anime with a different friend.

And TOMORROW I'm going to a concert with family and a friend, Sunday I'm hanging out with my girlfriend, then Monday I've got dnd thing again (probably? Need to double check). And then potentially more hangouts to come.

It's insane. What is this new social me. I don't think I've ever hung out with this many different people in such a short time before.

#speculation nation #it's fun though i probably will need to slow down a bit to not tire myself out bfkshfkd #the concert and the family thing last weekend are not normal occurences at least.#the movie and the study group were both from my discord server. tho with mostly different sets of people.#i think im at like... in just the past week ive hung out with... well...#3 on friday (plus saying hi to others at the temple but i dont rly spend time with them)#7 on saturday... i think it was like.. six? on sunday? i think. then Uhhhh #4 on monday. i think. 1 on tuesday. thursday had 3 new with 3 repeats from earlier in the week #and today was another person i hung out with earlier in the week #which puts me at TWENTY FOUR....... different people ive hung out with this week....holy shit....#granted on saturday 6 of them were my girlfriend's friends and im not very good at talking in a group irl #so i mostly talked to my girlfriend there. but even if U didnt count them that's still 18 people i hung out with #crazy. mind boggling. im a total introvert so this is like unprecedented.#I SWEAR I DONT NORMALLY COUNT PEOPLE LIKE THIS..... im just like. trying to put it into context for myself #and surprisingly i dont feel That exhausted by it... it helps that only 3 of these days had in person interactions #bc thats more tiring to me than just talking online. physical space takes more energy to emote etc etc #i think this is good for me honestly. spending time with people. not just wasting my life away with video games. you know.#tho i do need to balance it with writing.. i havent written anything since i posted the itnl update #and i rly need to get that reverse bang fic finished....hmmmmmmmm #ah well. i'll try to get lots of writing done next week. next week for sure..!!

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jrueships · 28 days

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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them

#i am not a sneakerhead #i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot #i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally #bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe #and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential #once i got these rlly nice shoes #ive worn them once when i was trying them on #and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty #BUT I HATE THAT #some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT #im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one #i can understand why they can #like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have #like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live #like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like #yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house #chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes #any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes #and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them #random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that #u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are #or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know #the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u #anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do #anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally #he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys #which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today #but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO

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toastsnaffler · 4 months

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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great

#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks #when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks #unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future #well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives #and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid #ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled #sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway #at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way #anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work #and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine #i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me #half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it #i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy #jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet #hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire #.vent #hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time

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immamapletreekid · 5 months

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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha

#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF #im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries #and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future #IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN #i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and #finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes #and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades #isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade #it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that #dictate every single fucking part of my life #and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb #ra and stats and calculus and cs #haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates #i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table #yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first #god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive #all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is #i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again #haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future #i hope i can still have time for hobbies #why si everyone at school so good at everything #ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent #i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states #my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo #meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day #how do i become like them #why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence #i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore

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tokyoteddywolf · 6 months

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22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.

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