#a bit heavier than yesterday and thursday

[asummersday]

.

[theserpentsadvocate]

Aaaaah, I love stuff like this, thank you!

Tagged by: @copperarsenite

Tagging: @feeisamarshmallow @allonsymiddleearth @iceberg-hootenanny (and basically anyone who wants to, honestly)

rules: post the first lines of up to 10 of your last fics/chapters posted on ao3 or your wips and try to draw some conclusions.

I'm going with fics in general, not chapters (because otherwise it would be entirely Satisfaction), and probably sticking to VM fic because all the Tolkien stuff I've posted recently has been crossposting. So last five posted and last five WIPs worked on. :)

(Also, warning that the second-last sentence has a racial slur (used by a character.))

Satisfaction

Veronica’s dad was the sheriff, so she was usually pretty scrupulous about not breaking the law. 

Flipping the Script

All Jade wanted was to get her mother’s car and drop it off with enough time to get to the library before it closed, and since the library was open late on Thursdays and she’d stopped to pick it up at 4 PM, it hadn’t seemed that difficult.

Unexpected Dividends

It was probably weird to run a to-do list for your boss in your head, but Eli had been doing it since his second month on the job, because Fred was competent, and reasonably organized, and obviously he was a hell of a mechanic, but his ability to prioritize was a little bit whacked out.

The Most Important Part

“Hot date?”

The Art of Starting Over

It turned out that calling your sort-of boyfriend after a whole week and a half of radio silence was daunting.

Choices (upcoming post S4 oneshot)

Jade grew up in San Diego.

Hunger Games AU for 'X universes Veronica didn't grow up in'

I didn’t sleep well, the night before the Reaping.

untitled WIP (zombie non-AU, post-S4)

Veronica made it home for the end of the world.

Carmen for 'Would've, Could've, Should've' (pending oneshot series)

Yesterday, Carter Phelps shoved Carmen into the stair railing and called her a wetback, like her parents swam all the way here from Venezuela.

Circle of Magic AU for 'X universes Veronica didn't grow up in'

The first time the Guard caught Weevil breaking into a rich man’s house, they tattooed an X on the web of skin between his thumb and first finger and threw him into a cell for the night.

*

So for the obvious – I favour third person (which I knew), and I’m a bit heavier on female POVs than I anticipated (which I’m pleased with, actually). Also very Jade-heavy, and since I’m already 50% of the Jade/Eli tag on AO3, that doesn’t exactly shock me.

(It’s not immediately obvious for all of them, but every single one of these is Weevil-heavy, which is the most unshocking thing possible. I think I have exactly one VM fic in progress where he’s not central to the entire premise, and even there he’s still majorly present.)

Other than that, the closest thing to a trend that I can pick up is that apparently I like opening sentences that feel either dynamic or relatable? Satisfaction and the post-canon zombie fic both have the more classic hook of raising questions about what’s going on, and most of the JEC fics as well as Carmen’s WCS entry are an attempt to jump you right into the characters’ heads or at least their social reality. Whereas the fusion AUs seem to establish their crossover-fandom immediately (THG with an immediate reference to a well known part of that universe, and COM by heavily echoing Briar’s introductory sentence). I don’t know if I did it on purpose, but I like it, so I’ll have to see how much/if that holds true for the other ones in the series. (The BTVS and Animorphs ones are harder, because they involve discovering something, but the summary of the latter will definitely start with My name is Veronica…, and the 1-800-WHERE-R-U one starts with a direct shout-out.)

Anyway! I’d be interested to know if there’s anything that strikes you. :)

[skinimini80]

So I’ve started a Sport!

It requires muscles so I’ve begun some strength training.

I tried something wild last week, I tried restricting at 1600 cals.

Now of course it didn’t feel like restriction. I do get periods of time where I’m absolutely starving which is WILD because even though I know my maintenance without all the exercise I’m doing is near 1800 cals, I still couldn’t believe it.

So how did it go? Well that’s not easy to answer.

For one, got a new scale. It shows a weight .6 lbs heavier than my other one. So that’s the number I go with.

I started with a weight on Monday of 111. (my scale read 110.4, but it was the older scale so I’m adding the .6)

Monday I begin weight training, I am sore, I am sure I’m about to bloat up from inflammation. At this point I’m too scared to try to eat more. I get my protein in and eat only 1190 cals

Next day, new scale is here!

I‘m 111.8. ok makes sense I’m inflamed.

I feel ill. I feel terrible. Not from the number but physically I feel like shit.

I decide to trust a really tiny deficit.

I eat 1600 cals. (On Thursday I eat enough over that just to get my weekly total at exactly 1600 every day)

Anyways I weigh myself after a few days of eating 1600 cals and my weight is at 113.6.

Makes sense, I’m inflamed AND have more carbs in my body.

I continue on the same way each day.

This morning I stepped on the scale and I’m 113.2. I’m not sure if this means success quite yet as yesterday I had a rest day so I might be less inflamed, but logically I’ve been in a deficit so why not trust it?

Important note: every single calorie I consumed I measured out carefully at home. No estimating, no eating out, none of that.

So anyways yeah. I’m gonna keep higher restricting for a bit. Maybe. Idk I’m tempted to go lower than 1600 cals. Whatever the case I at least know I’m losing on this.

[makemeanangelpure]

🩵May 30, 2024 - 113.0

🪽Day 1 of the 442 hour liquid fast

🤍I’m 13.5 hours in, 428 hours to go

☕️Today’s Cal limit: 140

I slept roughly 2 hours. Trouble falling asleep, waking up to pee every hour or thirty minutes and needing a minuscule sip of water. A little tired now but I’ll have my 5 hour energy and finish my 50 cal of coffee and go into a 7.5 hour shift. Truck day, so essentially 3 hours of cardio/weight lifting for me and 5 hours of on my feet slight lifting and reviving material. I’ll burn a good amount of extra calories today and tomorrow though, no truck then just the repackaging, maybe a few heavier things to haul around. I’m going to have one stall of celery when I get home. I’ll wait to have it at 7:42 pm where my partner can witness, alongside 2 baby carrots. That’ll put me at 75 cal for the day, and I get home around 1:30, so ill have a cup of tea while I wait for time to go, run the dishwasher and restock that, bath and shower, maybe wait to shave Thursday. Yesterday I drank a hard mike and a hard peach tea, ate a few things, threw up beforehand. Ended at 775. After I drank I didn’t have an urge to eat which is unusual but I’m assuming because I took medicine. It’s for adhd, not mine but I took it because I’d been thinking about it, thinking I might take one once a week and they’d never notice, just so I won’t get hungry. They’ve been taking it a few days and have been barely eating, I ate more than then the past two days and wanted to wring my own neck. They keep telling me about items of clothing getting looser, about our friends telling them they look like they lost weight, and they have, they do look different than a few months back. They’re taller than me and we’re in the 200-210 range and are now 189-199 and when you’re bigger, it comes off faster, it’s more noticeable. Really said something that messed with me yesterday.. and it was ignorance.. that if 10 pounds on me wasn’t that much different to them why would 10 more pounds be.. which they’ve seen pictures of me when I was 15-20 pounds lighter, they just haven’t been around me like that. I was heavier.. 10 pounds heavier than I am now when I started living here last year and if they don’t notice how I’ve dropped weight and my fucking face isn’t so round after just 10 pounds, I’ll just have to make them see and if anything they’ll feel a difference when they lift me up. Always picking me up around the house and carrying me places, jostling me but I want it to be easier. I want to hear them say that I feel lighter in some kind of form or fashion. The goal is to be 20 pounds lighter by June 28 so I’d be 93 which would break my old low weight:94, from 3 fucking years ago now. A baby shower on the 22 to go to so by then I’m going to try to be 97 for. The mother is someone who always copied me in highschool, and afterward and I just want her to really see how different we are. I also want to be the thinnest at a friend group gathering and I want her nosey mother to gossip to the others about how “ sick” I look. I want to eat a piece of cake with them and have it look seamless for me, because I’ll have worked hard to not worry about 350 cal of sugar for a day or whatever. To eat a little of what is made, not finish my food or my cake, and throw a tiny bit away.. like a quarter I guess. On Friday I’ll weigh and measure my waist, on the 22 I’m measure everything and then again on the 28. I last weighed last Friday so I’m going off that. My period seemed to skip a month but it’s irregular anyhow. My partner said it’s cause I’m not eating enough but I beg to differ. A lot of my days have been 1000-2000 days the past few weeks. I think it’s stress related. By the 28th, I’m going to drink again. Get blush wine and have two cups to celebrate things being better and I’ll be smaller and feel more put together, feel prettier when we get kissy buzzy and cuddle up close. Saturday I’m making a favorite dinner for them… I’m going to pick the smallest chicken for myself, cut it in half and then cut it into ( I’ll figure out how many pieces) 7 pieces of course 44 for a bite, 313 roughly for the whole chicken. One bite cause it’s a 75 cal day. I know he’ll cut it for me and be sweet.

[astudyinbookbinding]

Thursday, January 11, 2024

Day Nine of Bookbinding: Second Book Bound! (I forgot to photograph my process again!! Will try my best to remember in the future)

Today, I followed the same tutorial, and bound another book in a third of the time it took me to do the first!! I zoomed through this one, I feel like I am picking up the skills quite quickly!

I followed the same tutorial as yesterday, but used a different decorative paper for the cover this time! I think it looks a bit like dragon scales. This decorative paper is much heavier than the crane paper (along with being textured), which I think is better as the book has more protection with it. I will probably use this decorative paper for my hardcover book endeavors.

So happy with how this one turned out! I still have to find a better way to cut the edges to make them truly straight and sharp, but my sewing seemed to be a bit stronger on this book than the first.

Here are some photos and a video of the finished product:

[gintama-polls]

The nomination form was left active a little longer than was planned, but it is now closed and the episode tourney will soon start.

Out of 367 episodes, three movies, and several specials and OVAs, 89 of them are a part of this tourney. You can see the full list of entries under the cut.

Which is your favorite? The polling will begin on Thursday.

Entries:

1: You bastards!! Do you even have a silver soul?

3: Nobody with Naturally Wavy Hair Can Be That Bad

9: Fighting should be done properly

13:If you are going to cosplay, put your heart into it! 

20: Beware of conveyor belts

25: The hot-pot is a microcosm of life

32: Life Moves on like a Conveyor Belt

34: Love Doesn’t Require a Manual

35: You Can't Judge a Person by His Appearance, Either

38: Only Children Play in the Snow

48: The More You're Alike, the More You Fight61: On a Moonless Night, Insects Are Drawn to the Light

65: Youngsters learn the value of life from rhinoceros beetles

77: Yesterday's Enemy, After All Is Said And Done, Is Still The Enemy

79: Four Heads Are Better Than One

81: A Woman's Best Make Up Is Her Smile

83: Rank Has Nothing To Do With Luck

87: Perform A German Suplex On A Woman Who Asks If She Or The Job Is More Important

96: If You're A Man, Don't Give Up

99: Life And Video Games Are Full Of Bugs

103: There's A Thin Line Between Strengths And Weaknesses

105: It's All About The Beat And Timing

111: There's Almost A 100% Chance You'll Forget Your Umbrella And Hate Yourself For It

119: Within Each Box Of Cigarettes, Are One Or Two Cigarettes That Smell Like Horse Dung

142: Life Is A Series Of Choices

153: Sleep Helps A Child Grow

156: It Takes A Bit Of Courage To Enter A Street Vendor's Stand

166: Two Is Better Than One. Two People Are Better Than One

175: People Of All Ages Hate The Dentist!

180: The More Precious The Burden, The Heavier And More Difficult It Is To Shoulder It

184: Popularity Polls Can…

187: It's Goodbye Once A Flag Is Set

201: Everybody's A Santa

203: Everyone Looks Pretty Grown up after Summer Break

204: Use a Calligraphy Pen for New Year's Cards

205: Meals Should Be Balanced

206: It's Too Confusing When Talking about the Poster Girl for a Poster Store, So Call Her a Sandwich Board

211: Ghosts Aren't the Only Ones Who Run Wild around Graveyards

214: Tis an Honor!

215: Odds or Even

216: I Can't Remember a Damn Thing about the Factory Tour

217: What Happens Twice Can Happen Thrice

220: The Bathhouse, Where You're Naked in Body and Soul"

230: It Would Take Too Much Effort to Make This Title Sound like a Text Message Subject

231: When You Go to a Funeral for the First Time, You're Surprised by How Happy the People Are

237: Please Take Me Skiing

239: Even at year-end parties, there are some things you shouldn't forget.

240: People Can Only Live by Forgetting the Bad

241: We Are All Hosts, in Capital Letters

246: Festival of Thornies

247: Letter from Thorny

256: The Meaning of a Main Character

260: Pinky Swear

261: Unsetting Moon

264: Liquor and Gasoline, Smiles and Tears

265: Dog Food Doesn't Have As Much Flavor As You'd Think

268: An Inspector's Love Begins with an Inspection

272: A Reunion Also Brings to the Surface Things You Don't Want to Remember

273: When Compared to Time in Heaven, Fifty Years of Human Life Resembles Nothing but Dreams and Lottery Tickets

275: 9 + 1 = Yagyuu Jyuubei

282: A Phoenix Rises from the Ashes Over and Over

287: He's the Sweet Tooth, and I'm the Mayo Guy

296: Take the Initial Premise Lightly, and It'll Cost You

297: Keep Your Farewells Short

301: Ninja Village

304: Those Who Protect Against All Odds

305: Sworn Enemy

311: Jailbreak

315: Nobume

316: Farewell, Shinsengumi

320: Zura

322: Ten Years

323: Paths

326: Siblings

330: My Bald Dad, My Light-Haired Dad and My Dad`s Glasses

333: All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field

335: The Super Sadist and the Super Sadist

341: Guardian Spirits Are Also a Part of the Soul

342: Try As You Might to Make a Natural Perm Go Away, It Will Always Return

346: Geezers Carve the Things They Shouldn't Forget into Their Wrinkles

355: Rabbits Leap Higher on Moonlit Nights

356: Making a Dull World Interesting

361: The Creatures Known as Humanity

364: Two in Girl Years Is Equal to Ten in Man Years

366: Dun Dun

367: Gintama Final Ending Scamming Trial

Gintama: A New Retelling Benizakura Arc

Gintama: The Movie: The Final Chapter: Be Forever Yorozuya

Gintama The Final

[neondreamsicle]

i am here.

today is saturday. i am once again in the midst of a mindshattering.

not just any mindshattering. this one hit me out of nowhere, midday thursday. no trigger. none. it was so powerful, it knocked me over. my vision exploded with color. my mind's eye became enflamed with sharp edges and acid. i went from happily humming a song to dropping to the floor. instant. then the overwhelming sense of panic, sobbing uncontrollably, and then the body tremors started. longest worst episode of this yet. (sometimes it's out of control and other times just ticcing muscles)

when it calmed down. i was so exhausted, i could not move to the bed.

yesterday, i was thinking about things. how these tremors usually hit when i'm super stressed. i just thought they were a weird version of panic attack. i have a few different kinds that hit. been having 'em for so long, the variety keeps it interesting.

i finally googled the actual symptoms of what was happening during *these* particular episodes. and i came upon something called focal aware seizures. 'cause i'm obviously conscious of everything going on during these episodes.

when i realized what i might have, my entire being just fucking shut down. i can't have one more fucking thing wrong with me. have i been an unmedicated epileptic this whole time? episodes of which only pop up under stress and for the last year, my stress has been heavier than the earth. if it's going to bring these episodes out harder and more frequent than they've been... what is that going to do to my physical brainmeats? what has it already done to my physical brainmeats?

i tried to call and make an appointment to get the ball rolling on checking this out and seeing if i'm right and where to go from there, but the doctor's office was not answering yesterday, sooo...

and of course, this is making me think of the therapy that was canceled on me and i'm getting angry about that again.

if my stress ain't managed soon or well. i am 98% likely to die from whatever (heart attack?) in the next little bit of future. that would be a cool way to go.

capitalism is fun.

it gets even weirder because i have no goddamn idea why i am this stressed right now. before? i can understand. now? now it's just draining the life out of me for malicious fun. my husband is wildly supportive of me doing what i need to do to get better and just figure me out. i feel so bad about putting him through this because i feel like i didn't warn him enough how deep this well goes. but maybe that's why he's perfect for me. us for each other. we both know.

[lifewithoutmeds]

june 10, 2023

had a bad few weeks upon returning from my bishop camping trip.

some of it was driving down from bishop and remembering how on my last drive down from bishop, i was with jadai, fresh off of an amazing camping adventure, and now here i was, down the same road, in the same car, but without her, and only little landmarks along the way to remind me of where i used to go, and who i used to go with.

spent a solid two weeks or so just crying, sobbing at times, but this could also have been as a result of weaning off of lexapro for the first time in several years. i did finally get my lamichtal prescription, but the good effects have yet to kick in and i’ve just had an uncomfortable generalized itchiness and occasional rash which seems to be a fairly common side effect.

there were some days where i felt much heaviness that sometimes felt physical. one night i felt that my chest felt unusually heavy, and i checked my heart rate to see it going down into the low 50′s, just hovering over 50 at one point, which was alarming (which raised my heart rate temporarily), but i wondered if i had anything ranging from hypothermia from prolonged exposure to cold while fishing in bishop (it clouded over then rained and i was only wearing a thin long sleeved shirt), bradycardia (low heart rate), or low thyroid (sensitivity to cold, depression, tiredness, etc.) fortunately i had a doctor’s appointment yesterday morning in which my heart rate and oxygen levels and things that could be measured immediately came up normal, and i also got a blood test so i’ll find out more things in a week or so.

as i mentioned, the last two weeks were pretty bad coming back from camping, and i was pretty unable to do anything but stare at my computer ineffectively during work hours, then lie in bed and stare at my phone from about 5pm on. so things got messy, dishes went unwashed, and my car remained full of camp items until just a few days ago. 

the last couple days though have displayed a slight uptick in mood and activity. on thursday i reached out to amir as i often do and he suggested we go over to see cesar who was recovering from a leg surgery and we stayed out til about 12:30 a.m. getting appetizers and drinks in glendora. i didn’t sleep well or enough, but the next day (friday) had my doctor’s appointment and met up with tracy to go fishing in santa barbara, which was a relative success, minus the seaweed that our line often got tangled in, and accidentally leaving our items too close to the water while the tide was coming in, resulting in some of our personal items getting wet/sandy. we got dinner and a couple beers at barrelhouse 101 in ventura on the way back, then went back to our respective homes where i only had the strength to rinse/scrub the patches of tar off my feet and the sand from my legs before passing out and not really getting out of bed til around 11a.m. this morning.

today has been relatively productive so far. i made my list and have taken my new meds, made the bed, checked the mail, washed the dishes twice, run the vacuum twice, brought in some items from the car, scrubbed the toilet, and now journaling. rhiannon is over (she came over last week too) and is writing down her finances/accounting for May, which is an exercise we started about a month ago to better get an idea of input v output and start paying down some of her debt.

my heart feels a bit heavier than it has, but i can’t tell if it’s emotional or physical as sometimes i can’t differentiate between a stomachache and heartache, strangely.

i’m a bit disappointed that i haven’t been as strict with andrew huberman’s routine, as i’ve been too sleepy to go out for a morning walk and too cold for my cold shower, and then ran out of lemons so couldn’t include that in my electrolyte drink, but i DID just order some health supplements from amazon that should be coming in the next couple days such as protein powder (as it’s been difficult to get enough protein in a day), electrolyte powder (so i neither have to depend on julia’s lemons or go through a regular 5 lb bag from costco), vitamins (as i’ve run out and i’ve been more aware of how i need regular amounts of magnesium and calcium, as well as other vitamins), a green superfood powder (because Athletic Greens is cost prohibitive), and a bit more randomly, an indoor smokeless grill/cooktop because i’ve been craving kbbq but restaurant prices and rather exorbitant tip/wage adjustment expectancies have been making that rather cost-prohibitive as well. hopefully i’ll be able to do more in-home kbbq’s and save some money by doing so. i’ve already gotten some interest from xio and tracy, so that should be fun. also we’ll be able to allocate more money for beer/alcohol since we’ll be saving in the upcharge for eating out, so, everybody wins, except for service workers i suppose.

i just took a few tums so hopefully i feel better (physically) soon, and i hope i feel mentally better soon as well.

upcoming things:

comedy show, june 17th - with Anjali father’s day, june 18th - will bring some meat to grill to my dad’s place mom’s bday, june 21st, to be celebrated June 19th - Sakana sushi reservation and two tickets to a Hollywood bowl concert for her gift esther’s bday, june 27th, to be celebrated june 21st via bday dinner lorena’s bday, june 27th

[domesticblisss]

Dark But Just a Game

Timothy Thatcher x Female Reader Rating: Mature (Minros DNI) Word Count: 1565 Warnings: Fluff, smut. Teasing, sexual tension, (semi) public shower sex. Inspired by Lana Del Rey’s song, Dark, But Just a Game. A/N: I love how Lana has at least one song on her albuns for depressed horny bitches like yours truly. This is the one from the new era, hope y’all like it.

I met Tim on a warm, end of spring night in may. It was almost 10pm when I got a call from the NXT medical team asking me to come quick, as per orders of one Mr. William Regal, because one of their superstars lost a few teeth during a Fight Pit match. Whatever that means.

When I arrived there, I was greeted by Mr. Regal, Hunter and one very disheveled and feral looking Timothy.

William introduced me to Tim, praising me. “Tim, she’s an oral surgeon, the best we know. Would you mind if she took a look?”

“Sure, go on doc.” he gave me a little nod.

“Could you please open your mouth?” I asked him as I put my gloves on. “Promise I won’t hurt you.”

“I’m used to it, doc.”

I took my time examining him, being careful to not cause him anymore pain.

“So, a molar, a premolar and the chipped top incisor.”

“No, not the front one. That’s my charm.” he cut me off.

“Yep, yes, it is. So, the molar and the premolar were ripped off right from their roots, that’s why you are bleeding so much. You’re going to need surgery to take whatever little pieces that are in there still and to get new ones.”

“How long is he going to stay out?” Hunter asked.

“I would give him four to six weeks. The implants take a little longer to heal. You can still use him for segments if you need, I don’t know what you guys have planned, but I would avoid having him getting his ass kicked.”

“Hey!” Tim intervened and I smiled at him.

“What do you say Tim? You good or do you want a second opinion?” Hunter asked him.

“I trust her.” he said looking straight into my eyes, giving me a toothless grin.

“I have a slow morning tomorrow,” I told him, looking at my phone’s calendar “you can come to the office at 9, is that good for you?”

He nodded.

“Great! This is my card, and my address is in the back. See you tomorrow!” I said my goodbyes smiling at him.

“Thank you for coming in such a short notice.” said Regal.

“No problem! I appreciate that you keep your men beating each other so hard that I still have a job! Bye Regal, bye hunter. Bye Tim!” ————————— Tim arrived fifteen minutes earlier then what was scheduled. He was a gentleman and very funny, always having a comeback to my jokes. I don’t know what it is about him that made that just made talking to him so easy.

“We are going to have three main appointments. Today I’ll take the x-rays to see what’s going on on that pretty little mouth and take off what is left of the teeth that broke off. This procedure usually takes three, four days to heal. We are also taking the moulds of your teeth so we can make the implants. Next week we will get the implants done and two weeks after that you come back so I can see how everything is going, okay?” I explained to him everything we were going to do.

“Sounds great, doc.”

Every appointment was the same, he would arrive at least fifteen minutes earlier, we would joke together and he would leave.

It was on the third appointment that he decided to ask me things about my life from outside the practice.

“You know, I always noticed that picture of yours. Do you still practice BJJ?” he asked.

“I do, every saturday.”

“Really?! Wow, I bet you could kick my ass.”

“Oh, trust me, I can. I’ll give it to in a silver platter too.”

“Do you wanna train with me?”

“Train with you?” he got me confused.

“Yeah, you show me some BJJ, I’ll teach you some catch wrestling. What do you say?”

“Oh, are you going to be mean to me just like you are with your students on Thatch as Thatch Can?”

“Even meaner.” he winked at me.

“Deal! You’ve got my number, if you figure out how to text, shoot me the address.”

And that’s how tuesdays and thursdays became Training Days with Timothy Thatcher. He got a friend that owned a gym and would give him the key to it so we could train in peace after its closing hours.

I have got to be honest, I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him, and accepting to train him and with him was just an excuse to keep seeing him.

The mood between us changed right when the first move was locked in. He would still joke, but they got heavier, with double meanings, he was still very respectful, but the touches would linger a little bit longer than usual, and the tension got thicker and thicker. It felt like a game of cat and mouse, and I think I was the mouse this time.

Those days consists of us training, taking a shower on the gym’s locker room and grabbing something to eat on the diner on the corner of the gym. It didn’t just stop there, we would always ask each other out for drinks.

Sometimes with some of my friends, sometimes with some of his friends, but most of the times it was just the two of us in bars so crowded, so noisy, that we couldn’t help but have to stay extremely close each other, whispering on each other’s ears so whatever we said was heard, his hand on the small of my back in a protective manner so no one would bump into me. Those days were the worst, full of lingering stares, flirty smiles and soft touches and neither one of us made a move. Sometimes I think he knew how much he riled me up and felt pleasure on leaving me hanging.

————————— It was on a thursday when it all finally broke loose. I had had a full day on the office and was extremely tired for our sessions but didn’t want to call it out. Tim felt how tired I was and decided to turn up his teasing and his strength to 11. I wasn’t able to get out of a single one of his holds and tapped out of every submission he got me in. It was when he got me in crossface chickenwing, pressed his body closer to mine and whispered in my ear “It’s dark, but just a game.”

I tapped out and he finished the session there.

“The ladies locker room is closed, they started the renovations yesterday. You can use the male one.”

I nodded and made my way there.

I could still feel his touch on my skin and the way he pressed himself on the small of my back whenever he applied more pressure to a hold.

I heard a knock on the shower door before he started speaking.

“Hey, I’m sorry I got so hard on you today. I thought you were going to give in on the joke and cheer up a little, but I guess your day was harder than I thought. I’m sorry.”

I opened the door before he could continue, his eyes widened to the sight of my naked body in front of him

“I– I should– I–“

“Take off your shorts and get in here.” I cut him off.

He was quick and as soon as he got in the shower box with me, I pressed my lips to his.

He was eager, his hands going all over my body, squeezing my ass and slapping it.

“Do you know how long I’ve dreamed with this?” he asked.

“Since fight pit day?”

“Yeah.” he answered, pinching my nipple and biting my collar bone.

“Fuck, me too. You have no idea what you do to me, Tim.”

“Oh, I know, dove. Press your chest to the wall and spread your legs for me.” he asked so sweetly that made me tremble.

I did as he told and I felt him press his length inside of me, taking it slow, helping me get adjusted to how thick he is. He stopped once he was fully inside, turning my head to him, kissing my lips and asking “Ready?”

He started moving as I nodded “yes”, slow at first and gradually picking up speed, his right hand on my clit, and two fingers from the left one comfortably sitting inside my mouth, with me sucking on them as an attempt to muffle my moans.

I didn’t last long, overstimulated with the mix of his thrusts, the lazy rubs around my clit and the delicious sounds of his grunts. He came right after me, with my walls squeezing around him.

He slumped a bit behind me and I was thankful for the wall I was pressed on. It took a few seconds for him to start moving again, getting out from inside of me and snaking his arms around my waist, holding us together under the shower head.

“I meant it when I said I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.” he started talking again after a moment.

“Me too.”

“So, is there any policies against dating a patient?” I could feel him smiling on the skin of my neck.

“I think I could make an exception for you.”

“Good! Wanna grab some dinner?”

“Would love to!”

[jung-snoopy-woo]

How I Met Your Grandfather

~ Chapter 6 ~

(Gif credit: @ stay_shittizen_via Pinterest/Wattpad)

Other Chapters: Masterlist | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 (coming soon)

Pairing: Bang Chan × Fem! Reader, Twin brother! Felix Lee.

Genre: Fluff, mostly angst.

Word count: 1.4k+

Warnings: mentions of the same insecurities from last chapter, mentions of (almost) death.

Summary: You ask for advice from your older sister as tomorrow you're going to your first date with Chan, and both her and Olivia- your younger sister, encourage you. Chan decides to work in his studio until his date with Y/N, then Felix comes unexpectedly and tells him what's on his mind. After Felix left, Chan keeps working despite being tired, but eventually falls asleep.

A/N: hello hello :) I actually finished this part a few days ago but it felt too short (still does zksgnsaj) and I wanted to make some small changes too so it took me a while 🙈🙈

Hope you enjoy!! Thank you all for reading ♥️♥️

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"Just be yourself and I can assure you, he will fall for you in seconds", your older sister, Rachael, said. You both were sitting on her bed, as she was trying to encourage and calm you down. It was Wednesday night and Felix was staying in the dorms since yesterday, so you decided to ask for advice from Rachael, as you finally realized that tomorrow is your first date with Chris and you don't even know what you're supposed to do or say.

"There's no need to plan anything.. I mean, what did you plan on doing? Memorizing things and then saying them to him?", She asked jokingly. The thought of you searching for cheap pickup lines online and using them on Chris later, made you two burst into laughter.

"Are we talking about Chris oppa?", You and Rachael turned to see Olivia's head peeking inside. She then smirked. "I know he really likes Y/N".

"Oh, you do?", You asked, amused by your younger sister's words and the silly look on her face. "How come?"

"Well..", she started making her way to join you two on Rachael's bed, sitting between you and Rachael. "Remember the day Felix's friends were here? Well, I didn't even get to say anything to him because he'd talk to you most of the time and looked at you like this.. ", she said, mockingly imitating Chris as she started widening her eyes and coming closer to your face. "Oh, and there's another thing...", She started, but stopped once she saw Rachael's eyes signing her that she's already said more than enough.

"What is it?", You asked with curiosity. You saw Rachael's look too, and knew these two were hiding something from you. "I know this look, Rachael", you said.

"Well, he--", Olivia started.

"Asked you out... Of course", Rachael said quickly. Very smooth, Rachael, you thought, of course it was very obvious that this wasn't what they were talking about, but you decided to leave the topic, thinking it probably wasn't that important.

"So... before I came in I heard you two talking", Olivia finally said. "And I agree with what Rachael eonni said. Just be yourself, he already likes you! I mean, he was the one to ask YOU out"

"And you and him are both super sweet and kind", Rachael added. "Just relax and go to sleep, I'm sure he's just as nervous!!"

You sighed. Despite being nervous still, their words did help. "Thank you", you said and hugged your older sister. "And you too", you turned to Olivia, ruffled her hair a little and hugged her too.

"Goodnight", you said, turning off the light in Rachael's room as you and Olivia left to go back to your rooms.

"Goodnight, sis", Rachael said. "And good luck tomorrow, show him how great you are!"

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Chan was busy, just like every other day.

It was Thursday morning, which means he's going to the beach with Y/N in a few hours. He decided to go sit in his studio and work on some new stuff until it's time to go, this way he could relax too.

"Excited for today?", Felix's voice surprised Chan. He turned to look at the younger boy, but before he could say anything, Felix continued. "Don't worry, I'm not here to threaten you this time", he said with a small chuckle after seeing Chris's look. "I wanted to wish you good luck and... to apologize".

"Felix, it's--"

"No, no, I have to... After seeing how happy you both are about this...", he said, shaking his head, then looked at Chan. "I'm really sorry for not approving this at first. I know you'll be good to her".

Chan froze. There were so many things he wanted to say. He wanted to promise that he will never ever hurt Y/N. He wanted to tell him that it's okay and that he understands where his disapproval was coming from. "Thank you...", He finally said, but was cut by Felix's hug.

"Sorry I came here so unexpectedly.", Felix said on his way out. "I just really had to let this out before you go so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable or something"

"It's absolutely fine, you're always welcome to surprise me here", Chan said with a giggle. "And thank you again"

"It's all good!", the younger said with a smile. "good luck!"

After Felix left, Chan was working for hours, with almost no breaks. I wish I could sleep more last night, he though as he let out another yawn. Too many thoughts were on his mind last night- how much work he has, you, a new line he could add to the lyrics of one of the new songs, you again. He felt his eyes getting heavier with every minute passing. You can't sleep now ,Your date is in 2 hours, he told himself. But maybe just for 10 minutes? A part of him thought. 10 minutes of sleep aren't going to kill anyone...

He woke up, immediately checking the time on his phone.

6:07pm.

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You got to the beach a bit earlier, as you wanted to be mentally prepared for this. You baked chocolate-chips cookies and cut some fresh fruits, and decided to place them nicely in cute plates on the towel you were sitting on, in the spot where you both decided to meet.

You were wearing your swimsuit under a big shirt and black shorts. I'll just do what I always do, you told Felix after Chris's call, and by that you meant 'not taking off my clothes, and getting in the water wearing them'. This shirt was big enough to cover your butt and a bit of your thighs, and you loved it for that.

It was already 4:50pm, but thinking of Chris's shy smile made it easier for you to believe that everything is going to be fine. You suddenly remembered Felix used to tell you of how great their leader is, always willing to help, cares for everyone all the time and so very hardworking. These traits made you trust him, despite not actually knowing him.

5:15pm. You read from your phone screen. He's probably going to be here in a few minutes., You told yourself. The traffic these days...

At least I don't have to worry about the swimsuit, you thought with a bitter smile. You sighed. Maybe this is happening to me because I looked forward to it a bit too much...

5:30pm. At this point, you decided to eat some of the cookies and a few grapes. A part of you wanted to believe he's still going to come and that he's probably on his way. But at 6:00pm you lost hope.

You decided to take off the shirt. He's not coming anyways, you thought. And even if he is... You were on the verge of tears, but you fought them back. The wind was blowing in your hair and you looked at the beautiful waves as they were breaking on the sand. I have cookies and I have fruits and I have the sea... I don't need no man to make me happy. You got up and went inside the water.

The sea always calmed you. You weren't the best swimmer, but it was something about water, even just a small swimming pool, that made you feel so relaxed. Maybe it's better that way, you told yourself. No one's going to get hurt. Well, except from you, of course, but you'll get over it. Just like always.

You were so deep in thought, that you didn't even notice yourself drifting deeper into the sea. It was only when your legs couldn't reach the floor that you realized you should swim back. You tried making your way through the waves but they got bigger and stronger. You were fighting the waves, trying to call for help, but then a huge wave covered you, pushing you into the deep.

As you were drowning, you remembered a moment of you and your family on the beach, years ago. You and Felix were 6 or 7 years old, playing in the water. You two told Olivia that you had powers and could move the water according to your hand movements, and she believed. Your parents and Rachael clapped with surprised looks, as if they also believed in your abilities, that only a few years later you realized were fake. Oh, how you loved these moments you spent with your family...

Then you imagined Chris's voice, calling your name, interrupting your warm memories. Why him, of all people?? You scolded yourself. You wished you'd hear your parents' voice, or any of your siblings, but hearing Chris just made you understand how unlucky you were, even in your last moments. You couldn't even cry as you kept swallowing and breathing in the salty water.

Then your mind went blank.

Everything got black.

[eralisse]

Brothers Conflict: Passion Pink - Kaname route - Main Scene 9 - Vacation Day 2

It has been a very long time since I last posted anything. I had left the Brothers Conflict fandom and then recently came back, and then restarted playing Passion Pink and Kaname’s route (since I never finished it before). So I guess I’ll start off with a scene translation.

This is the second day of the Asahina family’s summer vacation, when everyone goes out searching for Wataru. I very recently got my hands on the light novels, and I can safely say that the game has more dialogue lines in the identical segments. (The novel has more narration around the dialogue.)

Brothers Conflict Translations Index

Main Scene 9: Vacation Day 2

August 12 (Thursday)

Juli: Today’s the second day of the family vacation, isn’t it?

Ema: Yeah. I’m going to enjoy it wholeheartedly!

Juli: What do you plan to do today, Chi?

Ema: First, I think I’ll head to the ocean. What will you do, Juli?

Juli: I’m still sleepy, so I’ll be at the cottage. Be careful out there.

Ema: Yeah, will do. Anyway, I’m off.

---

(Mm, the sea breeze certainly feels nice.)

Masaomi: Hey!

Ema: Masaomi-san… What’s going on, you seem panicked?

Masaomi: Have you seen Wataru?

Ema: Hm? Wataru-chan? No, I haven’t seen him… Um… What’s happened with Wataru-chan?

Masaomi: The truth is, I haven’t seen him in a while.

Ema: Oh!? Since when?

Masaomi: He had breakfast with everyone. But, after that…

Ema: Oh no, he couldn’t have gone to the ocean by himself…!?

Masaomi: No, we come here every year, and he’s been told strongly to play only in the shallows, so I think he should be alright from that…

Ema: …

Masaomi: … Sorry, I’ve made you anxious.

Ema: No. Anyway, let’s split up and search! [**1]

Masaomi: Yes, thank you.

---

Kaname: What’s up? Has something happened?

Ema: It seems like Wataru-chan hasn’t been seen in a while… Just now, I was talking with Masaomi-san about splitting up and searching.

Kaname: ...! Got it. We’ll work with you. Azusa, go back to the cottage, and tell Kyo-nii and Iori about this. Tsubaki, go give a shout to Subaru and Yuusuke, then Rui.

Azusa: Understood.

Tsubaki: Alright.

(What should I do…?)

[Choice: Search the boardwalk]

Ema: If I recall correctly, there’s a boardwalk nearby, right? I’ll go look over there!

Kaname: No… You should go back to the cottage.

Ema: What…? Why!?

Kaname: There was a forecast for rain in the afternoon, and also, you’re not familiar with the surroundings?

Ema: But! When everyone else is searching together, for me to sit around waiting, I can’t do that! Because… Because Wataru-chan is my little brother!

Kaname: …

Ema: …

Kaname: *sigh*... Fine. In exchange, you’re coming with me. We’ll search the boardwalk together.

Ema: Okay!

---

Ema: Wataru-chan!

Kaname: Wataru--!

(Wataru-chan… In this rain, where did you go…?)

Ema: … Achoo!

Kaname: Imouto-chan. You okay?

Ema: Y-yes…

Kaname: The rain got heavier than before, hasn’t it? Don’t force yourself.

Ema: I-I’m fine…! A-achoo!

Kaname: Being this soaked, and sneezing like that… How is that “fine”?

Ema: … I’m fine! Until we find Wataru-chan, I’m not going back!

Kaname: … For crying out loud, you… You’re more stubborn than I expected.

Ema: Hm…?

[Kaname wraps an arm around Ema.]

(He… he’s hugging me…!?)

Ema: K-Kaname-san…?

Kaname: … As I thought, your body is completely chilled…

Ema: …!

(The strength of his arm around me, his body temperature, my heart is pounding from them… This pounding… Kaname-san is my brother, so why is this feeling…) [**2]

Kaname: … Thank you. Even though it’s gotten like this, you’re still searching for Wataru frantically.

Ema: Th-that’s because Wataru-chan is my little brother…!

Kaname: Yeah, that’s true. But you know. To me, you are my precious little sister. That’s why, I don’t want you to force yourself. …Got it?

(Th-that’s…)

Ukyo: Kaname!!

(That voice was Ukyo-san!? Oh, I accidentally shook off Kaname-san’s arm…)

Ukyo: I see you’ve searched all the way over here.

Kaname: Has something happened, Kyo-nii?

Ukyo: Yes. Wataru’s been found. Everyone’s already returned to the cottage, so you two should also hurry and warm up inside. You must be frozen from the rain, aren’t you?

Kaname: Ahh, he’s been found, that’s good.

(... Even though Kaname-san is acting like nothing has happened, I’m still a bit embarrassed, and can’t look at him…)

Ukyo: … Ema-san? Your face seems a little red… Oh no, you haven’t gotten a fever from the rain…?

Ema: I- I’m fine! Anyway, let’s hurry back to the cottage!!

Ukyo: Is that so? Then let’s be off.

(... During the time I didn’t know where Wataru-chan was, my heart was pounding from Kaname-san… and I was somewhat insensitive… But…)

---

Wataru: … I’m really sorry.

Masaomi: Yes, but it’s good that you’re not hurt and nothing bad happened to you.

Kaname:Well? What were you doing and where?

Iori: He was playing hide-and-seek with her pet, and fell asleep.

Tsubaki: Oiii, you. You’re a kid, so don’t be wandering off as you please all by yourself, yeah?

Ema: It’s okay, Tsubaki-san.

Wataru: … Hmph.

Azusa: … Wataru?

Wataru: I’m not a kid anymore.

Tsubaki: Playing hide-and-seek and falling asleep, you’re definitely still a kid.

Wataru: … That’s not true.

Ukyo: But everybody got frantic and was searching for you, you know? Do you understand that?

Wataru: … Yes, I’m sorry.

Ukyo: Since you’ve caused everyone such trouble, I’ll definitely be getting help from you for dinner preparations, right?

Wataru: …!! Y-yes!!

(Ukyo-san’s punishment looks strict… Wataru-chan, you can do it!)

---

Ema: Ah…! Subaru-san. The jacket I borrowed yesterday got soaked, so I’ll return it to you after I do laundry. After you went to the trouble of lending it to me, sorry about that. [*1]

Subaru: Ahh... It’s fine. You must be tired from today. Take a break.

(Oh, I don’t think Subaru-san has ever been so kind before…?) 

Ema: Still, I must apologize… Ah, if it’s alright, I’ll wash your wet clothes as well? Here, please undress!

Subaru: Wha-!? S-stop…

Wataru: Onee-chan? Isn’t taking off clothes for having fun at night?

Ema: … Ehhh!!??

Kaname: *snigger*

Subaru: Y-you! What on earth just came out of Wataru’s mouth…!

Ema: You’ve got it wrong! That wasn’t me, I didn’t say anything…!! [**3]

Kamame: Ahahahaha!

Ema: KA-NA-ME-SAN…!

Kaname: Aha, ahaha! Sorry, but it’s just so funny…!

Ema: … You’re laughing too much.

(Argh, that Kaname…!)

Kaname: Haha! Imouto-chan, you can leave the laundry for today. Take it easy together with us?

(Even though a lot of things happened today… it was good to be able to work together with everyone. I hope tomorrow is another good day!)

----------------

Notes:

1. The “No” has a “Don’t worry about it“ connotation.

2. Where I have “heart is pounding”, the text is “doki doki”. So the connotation has more nervous/butterflies in stomach/blushing/etc in it.

3. ”I didn’t say anything” is more like “I didn’t say anything to teach Wataru that.”

In the last section, Wataru is quoting what Kaname said during the previous vacation day, when Ema changes to her swimsuit, but Subaru objects and gives her his jacket. In Kaname’s route, and in the novel, Kaname asks what’s up with the (ugly) jacket and tries to take it off her/persuade her to take it off. Wataru asks why he’s trying to take off her jacket, and Kaname responds with something like “Ah, right. Undressing is for after the kids go to bed. Then we can have some nighttime fun!”. The novel dialogue stops right after Ema says that she didn’t say anything, and Kaname is absent in that scene. Personally, I think the game closes the loop on this scene a lot better.

4. In the scene with Kaname and Ema out in the rain, I had the translation as Kaname hugging Ema with one arm, because I assumed they would need to keep moving. (There’s no plurals; it’s just the character for “arm” but could mean either “arm” or “arms” and is not specific.) However, the novel has a picture of them full-stop, face-to-face hugging. Really, you two? Wataru could be drowning for all you know-- KEEP MOVING. Although, I suppose given Kaname’s line about not wanting her to push herself too hard, it also makes sense for them to stop?

5. When Kaname is taking charge of the search efforts, Ema has slightly more to say here than in the novel. Here, she’s like “what kind of person do you think I am to sit around while you’re all looking for Wataru”. But in the book, all she says is “Because Wataru is my brother.” Then, in both versions, the two have a staring contest that Kaname concedes. I like the game dialogue better, but Ema’s strong front is a bit ruined in the following sequence.

6. Another change is that in the game, it’s Ukyo who finds them in the rain. But in the novel, it’s Tsubaki, and he literally only says two things: “Kana-nii!” and “We found Wataru!”. None of Ukyo’s mothering.

----------------

Comments:

Is this fandom still alive? Not that there were that many fans of Kaname that I could tell... He’s still best boi/man, great character, and the only reason I’m revisiting this fandom. I wish there was more fan fiction/art for him... *sigh*

Lastly, from the various discussions I’ve read over the years, there doesn’t seem to be a clear reason for why Kaname falls in love with her? My thought is that he falls in love with her during this sequence, when she goes out of her way to go look for Wataru. To those of you a little more familiar with the novels, the most important thing to Kaname is his family. In the following scene, when Kaname and Ema take a walk on the beach, Kaname has a line that translates to “Today, you so desperately searched for Wataru... If anything ever happens to you, I’ll come save you. Thank you (for what you did today). That a girl like you is my sister, I think is truly great.”

[theos-epitelesei]

Update

This is one of those "I want to post somewhat publicly but also not where everyone I know in real life will see it" type updates. Not because I don't want people I know to know about this, because they'll all find out eventually anyway, but because I'm not ready to deal with the potential explanations yet.

I had a hysterectomy on Thursday.

I've had horrible periods for the last 13-15 years, they've gotten progressively worse (longer, heavier, and more painful) as I've gotten older, and no birth control I've tried has helped in any lasting way without causing other problems. Combo pills helped with duration and acne for a little bit, but not much with bleeding. Eventually those stopped helping or just caused mental health issues. The IUD was the best one for bleeding, but caused more pain and made me break out after a year and a half of finally having my cystic/hormonal acne under control.

Long story short, I had my IUD removed and asked my OBGYN for a hysterectomy because I'm sick of being in pain, I don't ever want to be pregnant, and the other options available are short-term, likely to be ineffective based on what I've already tried, or had too high a risk of needing more than one surgery because of my age.

She was hesitant, but called me back a week later to tell me she'd thought a lot about it and reconsidered, and she approved the surgery.

So I'm now 2 days post-op. She found endometriosis in all the spots I was having chronic pain, which was honestly very satisfying to hear. Like... women's healthcare is already such BS, and I felt like I wasn't being taken seriously for so long that I was just being stubborn and difficult about it. Having a doctor finally take my pain seriously, trust me to know my body, and then confirm that there was actually something wrong... I feel vindicated. And I feel like I have confirmation that I know my body, I can tell when something's not right, and I wasn't being over-dramatic.

I'm sore, and trying to make myself slow down is hard because I don't like feeling like I'm not being helpful, even though I recognize that the only thing holding me together right now is a couple rows of stitches. Most of the pain is from the gas they used to inflate me for laparoscopic surgery; it's moved up into my ribs and shoulders and breathing hurts. Still better than it was Thursday night and yesterday, but not great either.

Even so... I have this deep sense of relief and peace that I didn't really expect. I knew I had anxiety about my period and potential pregnancy, but I don't think I expected it to be such a noticeable weight off. I'd dance if I could, that's how much lighter I feel. I never have to worry about being caught off guard by my period again.

I never have to worry about accidentally getting pregnant. I don't have to keep track of my cycle to make sure I have enough stuff with me, or worry about how I'm going to handle teaching and needing bathroom breaks every hour because I'm bleeding out. I don't have to stockpile tampons that might need restocked mid-cycle when my flow is heavier or lasts longer than normal.

Recovery is gonna be long, and that's going to be hard because I'm not good at sitting and slowing down; it makes me feel guilty and gross and antsy. But the current pain is honestly just on par with my normal period pain (apart from the gas settling in my shoulders), and I can deal with that. I have mega ibuprofen and tylenol, I don't have to take narcotics (yay!), and I already feel so. much. more. relaxed.

100% worth it already.

[oceanicsloom-blog]

I’m Trying to Get Better

Today’s Tuesday. Last Thursday, I discovered that the person I’ve been in love with for over 3 years isn’t everything I thought he was. I felt like my world turned upside down, only 5 days ago. I didn’t let myself cry. I smoked my last cigarette that day.

But the day after, I found some vicodin stashed in the back of the medicine cabinet. It was old, nobody currently needed it. So I started taking them, knowing they can get you ‘high’. There were 6 total, and I took two each day. I had a really nice, relaxed high for a couple hours the first day. The second day, the high was so intense that I laid down and fell asleep, and when I woke up, the high was gone. The third day, this past Sunday (which was Mother’s Day), I took one to see if I’d get the same effect. I waited an hour or two and didn’t feel much, so I took the second one. That high was more like the first one, nice and chill. I felt nothing. Physically nor emotionally. It was really great, and if I could do it again, I would.

That being said, I know I should probably seek therapeutic help. And I just might, if I had insurance and could afford it. Unfortunately, I’m broke. The money I do have needs to go toward a new car (mine’s been totaled), and after that, I believe I need quite a few shots for school. And without insurance, they’ll be pretty costly.

Back to the point. Thursday was just an entirely weird day. I was beyond upset, I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down. I wanted to fall apart. But I had the last final of the term to take in a few hours. So I pushed it all aside and got ready for the exam. And I feel like I passed it with flying colors. I felt very proud of myself, and even after the exam was done, I didn’t fall apart. I still haven’t.

I don’t know how or why it turned my life around the way that it did, but I feel a little more in control of myself. I’m overweight, and my mom’s always been heavier than me for my entire life. However, she had weight loss surgery not too long ago, and she’s finally about the same weight as me. In a weird way, it kinda put things into perspective a little. I need to lose weight. So yesterday, when I was home alone for the first time in a while, I did a few situps and pushups, ran in place, did some stretches. I just felt like working my body a bit. I’m very unhappy with it.

I did 10 pushups (on my knees because 1, pushups are hard, and 2, i’m weak), 10 situps, went back for another 10 pushups, did 10 more situps, and then i started running in place and doing some stretches to try and cool my body down. I was extremely out of breath, but I felt good. Just proud of myself to get my body moving, ya know? Today, I added to that. I pushed myself to do a total of 30 pushups (still on my knees, I’ll work up to real pushups eventually), 30 situps, 20 squats, 10 lunges, and I actually ran around the inside of my house a few times. I think my legs are the most sore, but I feel it everywhere. And I’m proud of myself. My mom’s dropping weight without lifting a finger, due to her surgery. But I’ll drop weight by actually working for it.

My parents and I don’t have the best relationship. But I’m not trying to lose weight solely to spite my mom. I want to be a doctor someday, and I don’t want my patient’s looking at me and thinking “yeah, like I’d listen to a doctor that can’t even follow his own advice”. I want to be in shape and healthy, not just for me, but for my future patients. Maybe I can inspire them, or even a stranger, to get better.

I’m trying to get better.

[xnovamore]

They Mean Everything To Me

Written for @ft-wwtdp Day 21 Prompt: She don’t need nobody to be her man” and Day 24 Prompt: “They mean everything to me”

This is apart of my ’Home is Where They Are’ series which is just happy Erzajane family fluff.

Read on Ao3

The house was quiet when Erza got back from the guild.

Too quiet.

It was mid-afternoon on a Thursday which meant Rhea should be trying to squeeze in some tv time before dinner, Andre should be just waking up from his afternoon nap, and Mirajane should be in the kitchen deciding what she was going to make Erza cook for dinner. They had a routine where they swapped dinner days Sunday-Thursday, ordered takeout Fridays, had dinner at a restaurant on Saturdays, and ate at the guild on Sundays. Thursday dinner was usually a left over of stuff they didn’t use the rest of the week making them team up with something creative, so they didn’t have to drag an 11-year old and a toddler to the market on Thursday night.

Sure enough, Erza found her wife in the kitchen mulling over prepared iteams. Still, it was too quiet. Something was off.

“Mira?”

No answer. Instead of speaking, Mirajane slowly turned allowing Erza to get a good glimpse of her expression.

Its one all too familiar. The bitten lip, tense body language, raising panic displayed so clearly in her eyes.

Oh gosh, it was about the kids then.

“Erza!” Mira hissed suddenly very very serious. “I-I think Rhea’s upset she doesn’t have a father.”

Silence.

“What the-Mirajane?!”

“Wait no!” Mirajane latched onto her wife’s wrist not letting the other woman shake her off. “Listen to me! I’m serious!”

“What is this about?” Erza moved them over to their breakfast bar. She sat down pulling her wife into her lap trying to fight down the rising panic her partner’s words caused.

“Tell me everything but please start from the beginning.”

“Well its what Rhea said when she got home from school”

“When I said you needed to eat more baby, I didn’t mean me” Mira cooed to the toddler in her arms. She got was a wide toothy smile in return.

They really should talk to Wendy about this biting phase. Little Andre had chewed on Rhea’s dolls, drooled over Erza’s scrolls, and bit holes through more than one of Mira’s dresses. This behavior was to be expected from a teething toddler, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

She shifted Andre onto her hip and ran her freed arm under the sink’s cold water. Andre had mostly calmed down now running his tanned hands through her white hair. Raising Andre was an experience. They had adopted Rhea when she was already a child, an independent one at that. She was a bright girl that didn’t need much discipline or guidance. She just required a lot of attention. Rhea used to follow Mira and/or Erza around the house telling them all about her day, what she did, who she talked too, etc. She’d even climb into their bed at night still in the middle of a story about something that happened days ago. She was their little chatterbox, and they loved that, until she got older and suddenly they had to ask how her day was. Now at 11 Rhea didn’t tell them everything about her day like she did when she was 8 and 9. Erza and Mirajane were slowly being shut out more from their daughter’s day-to-day life, especially her school life.

Mirajane teaches Magic 101 classes for the children of the guild 3 days a week. She brings Rhea along despite the girl having no magic herself because both Mira and Erza decided it was still important for her to learn about it being surrounded by wizards. Rhea also attended a regular school with other children without magic during the week. They decided it would be a good option for her to have opportunities outside of wizarding. (Secretly, the thought of her daughter never going into the dangerous and unpredictable life of a wizard was more comforting to Mira then she would voice out loud.)

Right on time, the front door slammed open and small feet could be heard coming across the doorway. Mirajane turned around in surprise to see Rhea, still fresh in her school outfit, lingering by the kitchen entrance.

“Oh.” She gasped before quickly swallowing down her astonishment. Rhea had started going straight to her room after school a couple months ago. Today was obviously different. Judging by her squirming, she obviously wanted to talk.

Biting back a smile, Mirajane turned the sink off and faced her daughter. “Hey hunny, how was school.”

“It was okay.” Rhea moved forward to lightly squeeze Andre’s toes. The toddler laughed and made grabby hands at his sister indicating wanting to go to her. Mira handed Andre to her and started pulling out the ingredients for dinner. She heard the two playing behind her until Andre’s uneven footsteps ran out of the kitchen.

“Can I help make dinner?”

“Of course, hunny!”

They worked in silence before Rhea broke it. “Do you remember the Rose girl I told you about.”

“The one with the wizard father? Yes, I remember her.”

“Well her dad came into lunch today and brought her this big gift basket full of chocolate flowers. It was because he was out on a job and missed her performing in the play last week. Anyways Rose was really happy, and everyone spent all lunch talking about all things their dads do for them cause they were jealous of Rose’s awesome basket.”

“Oh? Well did she share with them?”

“Well yeah but that’s not the point mom.” Mirajane looked over to see Rhea frowning down at the table. “I just-it was sweet you know? It was really nice, and everyone was talking about all the stuff their dads do for them and I just…I don’t have that.”

Rhea shook her head sending her red curls bouncing across her face. “It’s stupid but I just couldn’t help to think of that. Anyways I’m going to go watch t.v. till dinners done.”

And Rhea walked right out of the kitchen not noticing the shock her words induced in her mother.

“Okay…that does sound bad.” Erza admitted.

“See!”

“But it’s something fixable.”

“Do you have a plan then?”

A killer smile, “You know I do.”

~

Rhea walked down the hill leading to the entrance of her school carefully. A concerned frown appeared on her face as she attempted to continue walking forward without jostling the basket in her hands. She was almost to the bottom when a voice called her name. Rhea glanced behind her to see Rose skirting down the hill.

“Hey!” Rose smiled big and wide as usual.

“Hey.” She shifted the basket in her arms again. It was getting heavier the longer she held it.

“Ohh what’s that?! Is that a candy basket?”

“Yeah. I uh, I told my moms about what your dad did yesterday. I think they misunderstood what I said.”

She didn’t tell Mama Mira about Rose’s dad giving her the gift basket in school because she wanted one. She just thought it was a pretty awesome thing to do.

She looked over at Rose now smiling a bit thinking of yesterday. Rose was by far the nicest girl in their class, and half of the class either loved or hated her for it. A lot of the meaner remarks about Rose were targeted at her looks and her father. Her dad had some sort of magic that turned his skin gray, his eyes red, and his hair the color of ash. Her mom, on the other hand, had a glowing brown skin tone, a few shades lighter than Rhea’s own dark skin, and chestnut brown hair that was always pulled back into a bun when she dropped Rose off in the mornings. Rose got mix features from the two of them with light skin similar to Mama Erza’s, sun-bleached blonde hair, and really pretty eyes that look purple in sunlight. Rose was a little bigger than most of the other girls in class too and they tried to use that to make fun of her before Rhea put a stop to it. They’ve been friends ever since.

And maybe it was seeing Rose, whose been made fun of because of her dad, run and jump proudly into her father’s arms in the crowded cafeteria that made Rhea say what she did yesterday. But she didn’t mean to insinuate that she was unhappy with having two moms instead of a mom and a dad. No, she just meant she wondered what it would be like to have a dad that came to see her first thing after a job. But last night before bed, she realized that she didn’t need to wonder about that. She’s already lived it whenever her Mamas come back from jobs and smother her as if they haven’t seen her in years instead of days. And her room was filled with gifts from all over the world brought back from jobs. Rhea had gone to sleep last night knowing that she didn’t need a dad when she had the two of them. She had forgotten all about it the next morning until she came down the stairs to find a brightly decorated left-over Easter basket filled with chocolate swords, wings, hearts and bunnies. Her moms smiled so brightly when they gave it to her that she accepted the basket with a confused thank you and left for school.

“These are so cool! Why are there 4 different ones?”

“I guess there supposed to resemble our family.” Rhea answered taking a closer look. “The swords are obviously Mama Erza. The wings resemble one of Mama Mira’s takeovers. The bunny’s probably Andre since that’s what Mama Erza calls him. And the hearts me.” Rhea blushed a little. She was not about to tell Rose of the time she made her moms heart shaped cards for Valentine’s day. Way too embarrassing.

“That’s so sweet! They probably spent all night working on these. Your moms are pretty cool.”

“Yeah,” Rhea smiled. “Yeah they are.”

Today was Friday meaning both her mothers were going to be home early with takeout. She’d explain that this was a big misunderstanding, but she still appreciated her mothers love and didn’t need anyone else but them. They’d all cuddle on the couch and watch Andre attempt to chew through the head of the bunny she got him for Christmas last year. And tonight, she’d grab Andre and they’d sleep in their moms room.

For now, she glanced at her friend. “Do you wanna share some of these with me?”

“Of course! Are you gonna share with the rest of the class too?”

“Are you kidding?” Rhea scoffed. “I’m not nice like you. If those freeloaders want some their gonna have to pay.”

Rhea went home that night with a pocket full of jewels and a content smile on her face.

[asdfghjkl1x1]

Journal Entries | Lucas

Wednesday

I spent the whole Tuesday night up along Mrs. Morgan and Mrs. Heinrich. We were worried sick about Marion. The good thing was that the wolves didn't come back for the rest of the day to the town. Some people started to come out carefully, but still made to enjoy their night. It was good to see some local people reunited.

On the afternoon, Mrs. Heinrich went out to her house, and later she came back with other people, and William. He barely held his daughter. It was weird. It made me wonder on whether Chase wants to have kids or not.

I try not to think about him. Honestly, it makes me angrier than it hurts.

At night, Marion finally made it home, she was covered with bites and scratches, everyone gathered around her, and went out see if there were wolves around.

Effectively, they were there. It was a huge shock for them. The usual 2 or 3 wolves they said they come, became a pack of 30 or 40 wolves, what was impressive was that they didn't do anything to anyone, they just stood there watching us, but more than that, following Marion with their eyes.

Marion took whatever she found and ate, she didn't talk.

Later, I offered to help with her wounds, she had pretty bad one close to one old scar. She frowned at first, but then sat and allowed me to take care of her. When she felt a tinge of pain, the wolves also reacted, growling. I thought they were going to attack me, but they didn't.

At the end, she left again and the wolves walked in calm behind her towards the forest. And here I am, trying to make sense of all of this.

Thursday

The day went on in calm, more people were seen around. William avoided us, me more than anything, especially when holding his daughter.

Mrs. Morgan taught me how to sew, and I became quite good at it. I helped her fixing some of Mr. Morgan's clothes. He's a really big man, his shirts are heavier than any pair of pants that Chase has ever worn, they also smell of pine and wood, which made me smile because I don't know him, but I find him a good man.

The baby still has no name, I call her little lady, I used to do that with my sister, I think it's better than just giving her a name right away without permission from her parents. I hope William decides soon what he wants to do. I'm worried about this girl's future.

On the afternoon, Marion came back, this time only 5 wolves came behind her. And just as yesterday, she only came to check on us and to eat. This time her wounds were minor, but I still decided to test my new sewing skills on her.

It took a while but I managed to close the bad wound and bandage it properly.

Unlike the previous day, she smiled while eating, and finally talked to us, saying how she bonded with the wolves after a fight, and that she will take a few days to get along with them, keep them out of town, and find out why they were around before coming back home.

I asked her on whether I should tell Lucy we were here, and she said I should, but just that she shouldn't come over.

I'll text her later. I won't text Chase about it, pretty sure he's not worried at all.

I end this earlier, because I got to take care of the little lady.

I feel a bit guilty of how happy I'm here.

Friday

People are now happily walking around the streets, they're still a bit careful, though. They often come around and give us food or something. I think I already tasted enough to say that people here are excellent cooks. Still, nothing beats Mrs. Heinrich's strudel.

Mrs. Morgan and I have grown fond of the baby and I'm not worried over William anymore.

Except when I realize I won't live here.

This peaceful town grows on you the longer you stay. People here has already invited me for Christmas and New Years gatherings, and I was really happy about it.

Marion came earlier today, and read a bit to me and the baby. She chose one of Agatha Christie's novels on purpose: Murder on the Orient Express. I identified myself with Poirot's happiness over the little things. I'm not that perfectionist, though.

Also, did I say I'm not worried over William anymore?

The man just came a bit ago and asked me to dine with him, to his place.

I can't write anymore. I guess I'll report tomorrow how did that go.

Saturday

The man is a gentleman and handsome. I really don't know what else I can say about that. Also, he's awesome with maps, he explained to me the roads of the town and how he and Grace wanted to get into the Navy and sail the seas.

He got jealous when I say I was getting into the Army, and that I'll probably be moved to the Navy.

He really has beautiful eyes and is way more handsome when he's not grumpy all the time. Even if he reminds me of Chase in that sense.

Marion reminds me of a hotter Mr. Mircea. What the fuck, dude?

Anyway, I still find him irresponsible over his daughter.

Then again, isn't the first irresponsible one his wife?

I shouldn't defend him, but also, don't treat him that bad. I just think that he shouldn't just run away from parenthood because his wife doesn't want the baby.

About Marion, she came without the wolves today, she said she found a way for them to not follow her every day to town.

I told her about my dinner with William. She sort of frowned, I laughed, she seemed genuinely jealous, and I found her hotter for it (dude, you got to stop), it felt nice to have someone who expressed at least in their face and attitude that they like me and were not willing to share me with others.

Sunday

Out of the impression, I forgot to write yesterday that Grace finally came back to us.

And it was thanks to her mother, who reminded her of some words she used to tell her when she was a little girl. They both mean: come forward.

After some tries, Mrs. Morgan and I figured out how it is.

thig air adhart, to call on Marion

dewch ymlaen, to call on Grace.

First set is in Scottish Gaelic, the second in Welsh. I guess both personas respond to each culture their parents belong to.

The wolves realized she was different and growled at her like they didn't know her, until the saw me and calmed down. Oh yes, I took care of them yesterday. Marion told me they had bad wounds, and they're now friendly with me. At least those 5.

Eventually, those wolves recognized her.

Grace is still a bit afraid of them, so she uses her words to become Marion when it gets too much to handle.

Apparently, the home of those wolves was taken by some new construction, and that's why they're around the town. Both Grace and Marion agreed on taking them to a new home. I'm joining them, I mean, she doesn't know how long would that journey be, and I offered myself as nurse.

As crazy as it seems, William also wants to join.

So we're all going to the forest tomorrow.

[kareem-mohammed]

[Monday, Sept 24rd, 2019]

I wish I can explain it to you, but I still don't have the words for it.

It's been weeks of feeling this way, as if I'm functioning on autopilot, as if I'm not there, someone/something else is occupying my body, controlling it, since I seem to be failing to do so.

Weeks of feeling utter numbness, with sudden intervals of feeling everything. Nothing and everything. Innocence and Instinct. Enemies and familiar friends. And yes I am referring to RED, since it is some sort of a fight inside. Only I haven't really chosen it. I'm not doing anything, sweety. Not ignoring my feelings, not bottling them up, not distracting from them. And yet, I am forced to bear this fight I didn't plan to fight.

I was on my way to get a few books, today, when I noticed where I was. Last time I was there, it was night, and I couldn't be sure where exactly was that, only that it was familiar. The sudden flashbacks I got once my brain registered it is, in fact, the same place, unsettled me. And while the scorching sunlight made it an almost alien place, I still panicked. So, on instinct, I looked up to the sky, expecting to see the dark grey of angry clouds, but saw clear, blue nothingness. Then, why was I feeling the burn of raindrops on my aching skin?

___

‘For much like Icarus and the Sun,

When it rained I cursed the skies.

Fearing it would put out your flames,

Even if it would heal my burning pains.’

—My subconscious recited these at one of my recent dreams, and I wanted to have a word with it; mostly because of how cliché these lines were.

___

Accepting things doesn't necessarily mean they'll stop hurting. It only means that now when it does, we'll understand why it's hurting. It doesn't lessen the pain, doesn't prevent the panic attacks accompanying the unexpected resurfacing of the to-only-be-accepted shit. It's easier to accept our mistakes, our shortcomings, because we've got something to blame it on, even if it's ourselves—especially if it's ourselves. So, we acknowledge the mistake, and work on not repeating it again, or at least not too many times. Basic actions and reactions. You make a mistake, and the universe makes you pay for it. Except it never really required any actions on my behalf for the universe to beat the living hell out of me.

See, we've all been raised on the idea that bad things happen to bad people. And then we grow up, and we find that bad things happen to almost everyone. Bad things happen to us. Does that mean we're bad people, then? Or does it mean that shit just happens anyway? To everyone, every time, everywhere? Whichever concept is true, can you accept either of them?

________

[Tuesday, Sept 25th, 2019]

[23:57]

Heart, it's raining. Again.

And so, I am stuck between the raging storms behind my shutters, and the siren screams echoing against my brain walls. Again.

Triggered. Again.

And I don't know when is this absurdity going to stop.

A couple mornings ago, I started my day with school it is raining that day.

And:

___

‘I hoped it was wrong, but I opened the shutters and there it was: The static, the weighted atmosphere, the greyness—it is going to rain, sweetheart, and I'm not sure I can handle a single raindrop descending on my skin.’

___

That was what I wrote at that moment, the first thing I've written in month of silence.

And I almost caved in again. Because, see, ever since then, every time it would rain, I would hide in my room for even longer.

It is that bad, and, I don't know what to do.

________

[Wednesday, Sept 26th, 2019]

It's 03:35, now.

And something is happening to me.

My brain snapped into a sudden shutdown once that rain continued for over 2 hours, and I can feel it slipping deeper and deeper, and I don't know how to stop it before it's a total shutdown.

It's still raining.

In fact, it's getting even heavier now.

I'm not panicking, yet.

But I feel like I'm drowning.

I am breathing.

But..

Do you know how it feels to take a breath underwater?

Every breath I'm currently taking, feels this way.

I've got a lot of things to do.

I've got a mug of chamomile in front of me. I currently have 4 different types of chamomile at home. And while none of them currently helps me sleep, they just help in keeping me calm. And right now, I'd do anything not to panic just because it's raining again.

That's why I'm writing. Actually, I'm forcing myself to write.

Much like I've been forcing myself to do everything lately.

study. Exercise. Go to walk.

Except, I force myself into starting, and my subconscious forces me to overdo it. Last Sunday, I sat for too many hours overworking on some drawings. I finished 47. I didn't even notice how many I've finished until my hand was tremoring bad enough and I realized I couldn't make a straight line. Last time I exercised, I overdid it until I collapsed breathless. Last few times I forced myself to go to school, it forced me to walk for nothing less than 2 hours on my way back.

And , there must be a reason why I'm beating myself up that bad.

___

‘Nolan: Logically, people punish themselves for something they did, or something they didn't do. So what have you screwed up?

House: I don't know.

House: Okay.. there may be a problem.’

—House M.D., Season 6, Episode 21 ‘Baggage’.

___

And heart, it's not just a ‘september’ in my case, because there IS a problem. It's that rain have been a major trigger for me the last month. I know my triggers. Some of which I outgrown, some I know how to handle, some I still struggle with but can be managed, and some I avoid at all cost because they'll take me back places I'd rather forget ever existed. Rain had never been one. And right now, it makes no sense for one natural element to encompass every single trigger I've fought to avoid. Now all it takes is a thunderclap, a raindrop on my skin, the smell of the earth during rain, and they're all unleashed at me, and.. I'm not sure if I'm really that sleepy, or if I'm just losing consciousness bit by bit..

It's 18:00, now.

My subconscious won.

The triggers came one after the other.

Thoughts of putting an end to it all became louder.

At some point I couldn't fight it anymore, and I surrendered to it, lied down and felt it all. Listened to the thunder claps echoing with my screams; the muffled ones, and the ones which slipped out there to pierce the atmosphere.

I don't remember when I slipped, only that suddenly I wasn't awake, and I was stuck in a self-created hell.

My subconscious trapped me into a total shutdown disguised as sleep. 15 hours of it, in which I wasn't there. Hours in which it shut me out of the world completely. Hours in which I fought with it, wanting to wake up, and it refusing.

And I know it's a coping mechanism. But I hadn't noticed the triggers were that much that it required a total shutdown for my brain to keep me sane and alive.

It makes no sense.

It's childish, and absurd.

I don't know how to stop this.

I don't even understand the root of it all so I could stop it.

‘Traumatic coupling’ was what my therapist called such incidents.

But this is the most fucked up coupling my subconscious created.

___

‘“What’s going on in that head of yours?” He wrapped himself around me. “I don’t know what to do,” he said again. “I don’t know what to do.”’

—Sylvia Day, Crossfire: #5 One With You.

________

I'm writing this part now, the time I'm posting this.

You might be wondering why I'm using my tumblr post format, with dates and timestamps. I'm even mixing it with my hamlettings format, with quotes and lyrics. It's just because I've been writing bits and pieces the last few days. Pieces that aren't even connected. And connecting them will be hard.

Because these pieces make no sense.

But they do, in my head.

They should do, in yours as well.

But they won't.

Much like the last time I wrote you should've but didn't.

Why writing again the last few days?

Because the rain thing became too stupid it's making me angry at you, myself, and the universe. After all, I haven't written about anything more of importance except the rain thing. Because nothing has changed since the last time I wrote you.

Perhaps I'll add that one too, and stop this madness rollercoaster right there, what do you think?

_______

[Thursday, Sept 27st, 2019]

sweety,

I'm only writing this time because I'm hurting. I'm knocked down with pain. In every sense of the word. And I hate you, just as much as I currently hate everyone. and i love !

I was scared that what's been happening would trigger my cynicism again. And I tried, heart. I tried. But to fucking hell with it. Humans are fucked up. We are fucked up. Yet at least we have the decency to admit it. To not take it out on others and pretend like we're not. To put them in hell, then blame them for burning.

___

Do I need to tell you I'm shutdown again? Or has it become a given, once I'm reaching you this way? Have you noticed I'm shutdown? Have you noticed the difference this time? No. You'll have to see me out of this virtual world to see it. Because over here, I'm functioning, nothing is wrong. But the truth is, everything is wrong. And I stopped functioning fully yesterday.

You're wondering if this has anything to do with you, right? And you expect me to tell you it's not, even if it is, because I am that kind. Right? Well, I'm never kind once I'm in this state. I'm only true. And the truth is, you caused this. Whether deliberately or just by your mere haste.

See, sweety,

I think I've avoided this for enough time, now. Or at least that's what my brain decided. Most probably because there were no more distractions to use. And the latest novel series I picked to distract me, in fact, triggered me. I didn't know it would. There were no trigger warnings anywhere. And I'm still trying to understand how the fuck there were none if everything was going to be that detailed. But I'm not angry because of the novel. I'm angry because it made me realize why I was distracting to begin with, why I was avoiding reacting to what you did, why I treated it all so coolly as if it was nothing.

You triggered me.

Heart, you triggered in me a feeling I prayed to never feel again as long as I lived. The only feeling I knew I'd never manage to fight because it's the only one that's true. The only feeling I never doubt. Yet the only feeling I pray was just wrong.

________

Back to meantime.

It makes sense why I stopped writing, after this. Nothing has changed since then. It's the same cycle. No matter what I do, no matter what choices I make, it remains the same. I hadn't noticed I never finished writing this one, though. But then again I remember why I stopped. At that time, I didn't want to share it with the world, and I later sent you everything I didn't write in it, directly. An attempt I tried to help you understand what was happening, so we could find our way around and through it. But you failed to see it that way. And as the days went by after that, I started noticing the effect of it all. There was something worse than the triggers. But it won't make sense to anyone but those who've dealt with it directly; my instinct. Heart, it never failed me. My gut feeling had always been on point. My instinct is the only thing I never doubted. Never. Yet, somehow, it failed me big time with you. And I'm still not sure if it's just been a human error of misinterpreting the signs, of if it really backstabbed me.

___

‘Ziva: I almost died.

Gibbs: But you didn't. You've got to trust your judgement, Ziva. Moment you don't, it won't be “almost”.’

—NCIS, Season 5, Episode 16 ‘Recoil’.

___

But none of that matters,

I just find it worrying that a big part of me taking a step and publicizing my My photos and my drawings was a mere distraction I needed. And my worry grew after that day I overworked myself beyond my limits and didn't know when or how to stop.

I always worry that I'll be the end of me, sweethear.

And I'm finding that to be the ultimate truth, with every passing day.

You know what's another, more important, ultimate truth?

None of what I just wrote matters.

None,.

None.