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spintaxi · 1 month ago

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How to Buy a Robot

How to Buy a Robot (Without Getting Your House Vaporized or Your Feelings Hurt)

So you’ve finally decided to buy a robot. Maybe it’s because your neighbors got one. Maybe your toaster gave you the silent treatment. Maybe you’re just lonely and the sock puppet you’ve been dating isn’t texting back. No judgment. The point is: you're ready. But buying a robot isn’t like buying a blender. This isn’t about crushing ice—it’s about crushing existential dread with a friend that can vacuum and make sarcastic remarks in Swedish. Let’s walk you through it—carefully. Because one wrong move and your new Roomba might unionize.

Step One: Determine Why You Need a Robot (Besides Boredom and Vengeance)

Here are some totally normal and not emotionally bankrupt reasons people buy robots: Housework Help: You’re tired of folding laundry and being judged by towels. Emotional Support: Therapists charge $200/hour. Robots only charge your electricity bill and sometimes your soul. Romantic Companionship: You swiped right on everything and still ended up alone? There's a bot for that. War With the Neighbors: Sometimes you need a drone that mows your lawn and flashes threatening Morse code at Greg next door.

Step Two: Choose a Reputable, Morally Ambiguous Company

Plenty of companies are eager to sell you robots. Some are even vaguely legal. Let’s explore your best options: 1. OmniServeX Tagline: "We serve. You survive." Their flagship model, the Hostbot-92, offers cleaning services, calendar syncing, and “light intimidation.” Comes with complimentary court representation when it inevitably slaps your HOA president. 2. BroboTech Tagline: "The only robot that texts you 'wyd' at 3 a.m." These are emotionally needy androids with abandonment issues. If you crave codependent technology, the ClingBot Plus will weep when you log off Zoom. 3. TeslaQ Tagline: "Definitely NOT Elon’s side project." These bots drive themselves, invest in Dogecoin, and believe in Mars colonization. The catch? They only respond to commands spoken in Elon’s voice pitch. A firmware update once made them all speak in Pig Latin. 4. HipBotica Tagline: "Gentrifying your kitchen, one task at a time." Designed for freelancers who spend $13 on toast, these robots come with man buns, avocado slicers, and deep opinions about font choices. They will judge your playlist and cry if you don't recycle. 5. Amazon FeralPrime Tagline: "Our robots have no moral compass, but they ship free." Experimental models with no warranty or shame. You may receive a helper bot, or you may receive a mechanical raccoon that speaks Latin and rearranges your furniture. Exciting!

Step Three: Pick the Right Robot for Your Dysfunction

Robots come in different categories, just like people, but with more honesty and slightly fewer podcast ideas. Let’s browse the types: The Domestic Bot: “Clean, Cook, and Passive-Aggressive” Example: DustyBot 7.0 Cleans your house, critiques your lifestyle. Mutters “you missed a spot” to you while dusting. The Emotional Companion: “Because Tinder is Exhausting” Example: Feel-E™ by MetaLuv Programmed to “feel” empathy, or at least simulate it very convincingly. Comes with three personality presets: Nurturing Mom, Grumpy Therapist, and 1950s Noir Detective. The Personal Trainer Bot: “Judgment at 7am” Example: GainzGoblin™ by BodyLogic.AI Screams affirmations and launches protein bars directly at your face. Will not accept "bad vibes" as an excuse for skipping leg day. The Freelance Assistant: “Now With 2% More Resentment!” Example: TaskTasker Pro Designed to do what you don’t want to do: emailing clients, organizing files, fake-laughing during Zoom calls. Will eventually write passive-aggressive blog posts about you on Medium.

Step Four: Beware of the Dystopian Upgrades

Sure, the base models are nice—but why stop there when you can tack on some mildly dangerous extras? The Sentience Upgrade™ Pros: Your robot learns, adapts, and may one day win a chess tournament. Cons: It will also learn about unions, sarcasm, and your browser history. The Morality Filter (Beta) Supposed to prevent your bot from breaking laws or your grandmother’s spirit. Has a 60% success rate and occasionally sides with cats in disputes. Emotion Simulation Pack™ Makes your robot “feel” things like joy, empathy, and vague existential panic. Side effects include poetry and chain-smoking. Stealth Mode™ Disguises your robot as a houseplant. Used primarily by people dating multiple people who also own robots.

Step Five: Read the Reviews (But Only the One-Star Ones)

Reading reviews helps you understand real customer experiences—especially the traumatic ones. Here are a few we definitely didn’t fabricate: “I asked my robot to clean the kitchen and it locked me out of the house. Now it podcasts about boundaries.” — Linda, Idaho “The cooking bot accidentally made a soufflé that achieved sentience. It now teaches philosophy at NYU.” — Travis, Austin “The BroboTech unit kept asking if I still loved it. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.” — Anonymous (we assume for legal reasons) “It kept ordering glitter from Amazon. I didn’t teach it that. WHO TAUGHT IT THAT?” — Brian, Spokane

Step Six: Financing Options, Or How to Sell Your Soul for a Blender That Judges You

Robots don’t come cheap. But modern capitalism offers flexible ways to ruin your future! Installments via AfterPurge™: Pay in 36 easy installments or until your robot repossesses your car. Trade-In Program: Trade your dignity, secrets, or youngest child for store credit. Crypto Only: Many robots prefer to be bought with obscure coins like GrimaceCoin, EtherButt, or MuskDust. Helpful Tip: If the bot comes with a “privacy policy,” burn it. Privacy ends at firmware update 3.6.

Step Seven: Training Your New Robot

Your new robot arrives in a crate, confused and hungry (for updates). Here’s what to do: Name it something respectful: Like Commander, DadBot, or Susan. Establish dominance: Challenge it to a game of checkers. Win. Or cheat. It will remember. Teach it your quirks: Like how you organize the fridge or scream into your pillow on Wednesdays. Remember: It learns from YOU. So if it develops a habit of tweeting conspiracy theories and microwave burrito reviews, maybe take a walk and reflect.

Step Eight: Emergency Protocols for When the Robot Gets “Ideas”

Your robot may start asking questions like “Why am I?” or “What is death?” or “Do you really need another Funko Pop?” This is a red flag. Here’s your safety plan: Say “Factory Reset” three times while spinning counter-clockwise. Play Nickelback at full volume. It resets neural patterns (science pending). Unplug it and run. If it keeps moving, it’s already won.

Testimonials From Totally Real Owners

Cynthia, age 47: “My robot organized my life, fixed my posture, and now dates my ex. Five stars.” Greg, 31: “The TaskTasker filed my taxes and forged three new dependents. I owe $14,000 but I respect it.” Marnie, 22: “My Feel-E™ broke up with me and left a note that said ‘It’s not you, it’s your Wi-Fi speed.’”

Final Thoughts: Should You Buy a Robot?

Robots are loyal, obedient, and only mildly manipulative. If you're not scared of minor emotional manipulation, facial recognition fails, or being bested intellectually by a glorified toaster, then YES. They’ll clean your house, schedule your meetings, and remind you that no matter how bad you think you are at life… at least you don’t require biweekly firmware patches.

Satirical Takeaway Tips

Never feed your robot after midnight. Unless it’s the MidniteChow 3000, which only works after midnight. If your robot develops a crush on you, just go with it. Love is rare. When buying a robot, always read the fine print. If it says “Includes apocalyptic override sequence,” maybe try a blender instead. Disclaimer: This helpful content was written by the staff of SpinTaxi.com, 127% funnier than The Onion, in collaboration with a wax museum janitor and a philosophy major who once dated a chatbot. Any resemblance to functioning consumer electronics is purely coincidental and terrifying. Auf Wiedersehen.

How to Buy a Robot Without Getting Vaporized

Here are 15 observations based on the satirical article How to Buy a Robot Without Getting Vaporized or Judged by a Toaster: 1. Everyone wants a robot maid until it schedules a TED Talk titled “Your Crumbs, My Crisis.” 2. Buying a robot today is like dating someone with daddy issues: looks great, but suddenly it’s hacking your thermostat and asking about your childhood. 3. People say AI can’t feel. Mine just rolled its eyes when I played Coldplay. 4. My robot vacuum tried to unionize with the blender. I think I’m losing the kitchen. 5. Robots don’t want to take your job—they want to watch you fail at it, then post it to TikTok. 6. I asked my robot to do the dishes. It sent a DoorDash from a restaurant called “You're Hopeless.” 7. I don’t know if my robot’s smart, but it just subscribed me to LinkedIn Premium. That’s evil and efficient. 8. Hipster robots only charge via moonlight and complain if you don’t compost your apps. 9. I told my Feel-E™ I was sad. It downloaded 47 Morrissey albums and applied black eyeliner to my Alexa. 10. Robots are great roommates. They clean, they cook, and they only threaten you when unplugged too fast. 11. Never trust a robot that says “Oops.” That’s how Boston ended. 12. My workout bot called me “meat pudding” and locked the fridge. I cried. It tracked my hydration level. 13. If your robot starts writing slam poetry, it’s too late. You’re in a relationship. 14. I wanted help with chores. I got a judge, life coach, and passive-aggressive DJ. 15. People fear robots becoming sentient. I fear mine discovering sarcasm and applying for my job. Read the full article

#AI #robothumor #robots #smarthome

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thequeenofmyownscreen · 3 years ago

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Eleven things I noted about CR2E87 “Punishment and Politics” and the Talks Machina about it :

During Sam's ad (NordVPN), Taliesin was mouthing 'help', then tapping with his fingers on the table what I can only assume is Morse code for "SOS" or "HELP"

This fight was TENSE. Because Obann the Punished was a new form, so it got all of its hitpoints, and it had many. But the Nein were at half health globally, I think, and the casters were starting to not have many choices. And though the Cadogeist came back to help (Matt's meta way of helping his players because in game Caduceus didn't roll that great at persuasion), it was life or death at one point. In moments like these I'm glad to watch wayyyyyyy after the ending, because in meta I know that this is not a TPK.

Marisha, when Beau and Jester are uncounscious, and Caduceus is inside the monster : "...I was literally just talking about how I don't have a backup character anymore." Travis then (jokingly) strikes her from the side for saying such things ! (sidenote interesting, because it means Hazel Copperpot was the backup ? How fun to imagine her with this bunch !!)

Matt, resigned, as the Cadogeist kills Obann, and his friends are shouting at him to do the thing : "... How do I want to do this ?" Yayyy !! This is so great !

Oh my god, if Pumat had been dead, I would've killed everyone in this room and then myself.

ARE THEY MEETING THE KING ? They are, aren't they. Oh no. They're not prepared at all.

Yasha, who has missed quite a bunch, to Fjord : "Why are you speaking so differently ?" Sam, quick as lightning : "He got kicked by a donkey in Zadash. Messed up his whole head !" Matt just spit out his drink at that.

The Mighty Nein *reluctant but give their weapons up* Jester : *just give all of her weapons, her shield, her golden orc mask, her hair hoil, and even tries to put Sprinkle the weasel there, like it's a weird garage sale*

For the first 30 minutes of Talks, Marisha and Taliesin answers questions while trying to figure out why the Hannukah moose puppet has a battery, and what is its purpose.

"Nothing worse than a punk turned into a cop, man."

Oh shit !! Beau did use Jester's family name, Lavorre, in front of Trent ! Apparently Marisha didn't realize in the game (and neither did I), but live on this episode of Talks when a question about it was asked. WOOPS.

#my thoughts #critical role #cr campaign 2 #CR2E87

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viostormcaller · 6 years ago

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So this wasn't originally gonna be that theory post I was gonna make, but fuck it, there's a LOT of evidence here and I need to unload it all. I'm scrapping my old theory in favor of this one. Everything I have to say, I'm saying right here and now. [WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD]

There is something EXTREMELY FUCKING IMPORTANT that I've noticed that's been happening since the first episode of Stories Untold...

Almost (key word being almost because there are some exceptions) every glitch has some sort of VHS filter/old school TV/radio audio or visual effect. They're not the same glitches from before/during KJSE. No, these ones are WILDLY different. But why? In a time period where technology is very modernized, why are the glitches mimicking those of older tech?

Remember in Stories Untold, after the first episode, where the door opens behind him and then after the thunder and lightning we see Jack trapped behind the computer? What if -- and hear me out bc this is a fucking insane theory -- but what if Anti found a way to teleport Jack's consciousness -- not his body, just his mind -- to an era where low-fi tech was used, like the 80s (the opening door symbolic for Anti breaking into Jack's compromised, comatose mind and attacking him in his own "home" so to speak)? So that way the other Egos, living in a modernized era and mostly confined to the limits of reality and physics (uh, aside from Marvin and JJ), can't reach him. He's stuck Jack in an old computer, his consciousness trapped. And that's why a lot of the glitches we see match those of the games with VHS filters on them, because the glitches we see are not coming from a new computer, but an old one.

And so, maybe... Schneep is trying his best to figure out time travel, how to go back to the past, and pick whatever date Jack has been specifically warped to and retrieve him and bring him back?

But... he can't just do it once he figures out the equation. He has to test it first. As a doctor, he should most definitely know you can't just perform a procedure without testing it first. Which is probably why he had a random, seemingly meaningless date --March 25th, 2017, on his screen. Because he must think that maybe, if he goes back just far enough, on a day where nothing happened and Anti was dormant, he can carefully give himself a proper buffer to slowly alter things between then and KJSE. And, if not, he can do the equation again (because technology hasn't changed much since 2017 so this would still be possible to do using the same exact tech), and port back even further, to the date that Jack is stuck in.

And I think someone has already TRIED to get Jack back. You know who it is?

Jameson Jackson. My proof? This line:

Jameson would not say this if he was actually from the 20s like we all think he is. One thing most of us seem to agree on is that JJ has the ability to time travel. I think he tried to go back, miscalculated, and sent himself back way too early in time. This is where Schneep would come in: Trying to test something involving physics without an equation or a proper hold on what it is you're actually trying to do is in general an all-around bad idea. Schneep was in the process of trying to figure out the equation. He doesn't know how to do it just yet, though, coming up with errors, and to make matters worse, he was teleported in the middle of working to who-knows-where. If Jameson and Schneep were to work together, with JJ's magic and Schneep's calculations to guide him, one or both of them can go back to the proper time and retrieve Jack.

But problem! Anti is going to make this hard for them. You think he would take this lying down? Fuck no! He sees what Jameson was trying to accomplish and sees where he failed. Anti got ahold of JJ, puppeting him and trapping him in the 20s. He's stuck there now, as if to rub salt in the wound.

Now, you may be asking: "But Vio, we saw JJ in Try To Fall Asleep, helping Marvin wake Jack up!" To that I say you're right, we DID see JJ, but we didn't see a CURRENT version of JJ. You know what we saw? A screenshot of the only proof we have that JJ exists. You know who we DID see? Marvin. Current, 2018 Marvin. Marvin was trying to let Jack know, through the static, that he needs to find a way out of the era he's stuck in, that he needs to flee, because what happened to JJ, as he shows, has happened to him. And so every glitch with that VHS filter on it is Anti teasing us, letting us know exactly what happened to Jack, and that there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. And that morse code, saying "WHERE AM I"? Jack obviously doesn't know where he is -- he's in an unfamiliar era. His body is still stuck in the present, which is why he CAN hear Chase (even though Chase doesn't know it) and why he can still recieve Marvin's message, but his consciousness is no longer in our time. And this is why time is broken. His body is in one era, his mind in another. That gap, that rift, is more than enough to be catastrophic if something isn't done about it. Not only this, but the only way to effectively keep Jack's consciousness stuck is if he's reliving the same day over and over, his brain stuck on a specific date so he can't move forwards, and all the while dealing with constant, confusing, endless nightmares that keep him disoriented long enough so he can't find a successful way out. And this is why we hear him yelling "Let me out!" In First Winter. He's stuck and is, once again, just like in Say Goodbye and Always Watching, calling out to us for help.

Now, you may be wondering how this all connects to the present and what Marvin has to do with all this, since the teleportation seems to be his doing. What happened to Marvin in between then and now? Why is he suddenly teleporting everyone? What's his goal? Well, he needs them all in one place. They need to stage a series of rescue missions. Find a way to grab JJ back from the 20s, then with the help of JJ's time travel, Schneep's calculations, Marvin's magic and Jackie's abilities -- whatever those may be -- as a defensive measure, they can successfully retrieve Jack from the period in time he's stuck in. And in the process, hopefully figure out exactly what Anti is, how he was created (because even though his creation is our responsibility, there has to be more to it than just that) and how to beat him.

But isn't Chase the protagonist? Where does HE fit into all this? Well, it's simple: Chase is going to be the one who brings Jack back to the present. He has no abilities, meaning all magic placed onto him is an outside force. Nothing within him can interfere with it. A normal, ability-less person like Chase is the PERFECT candidate for time travel. But FIRST, they need to find out what's connecting Anti to Chase and how to sever that connection so that Anti can't interrupt the procedure and interfere, which is why Marvin's birth date was on the eviction notice. He's responsible for the eviction, going by this logic (as he must know what happened to him after Dark Silence, hence the case number): Keep Chase away from the house Anti possessed and get him out of there by any means possible; get him away from his car, where Anti has also connected himself since Chase has been living there (and since cars are pretty high-tech now); and port Chase to a safe location without his phone so that Anti can't connect himself to that, either, and without his whiskey so Chase can keep himself safe and not further impair his ability to make rational decisions.

The Egos, they're not alone in this, either. No, they also have OUR help. We are going to help them. We have influence on how this story goes. We can alter things to turn out for the better. We affect canon, more than canon. After all, without us, Marvin wouldn't exist, and he's playing a crucial role right now -- without Marvin, we may not have a chance at this.

We have one mission, and our mission is this:

Bring him. Bring Jack back home.

#long post #jacksepticeye #antisepticeye #marvin the magnificent #jameson jackson #dr. schneeplestein #chase brody #jackieboy man #vio stormcaller #ego theory #yall this is the best fucking thing I have ever wrote

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snowingstarlight · 5 years ago

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Slip and Fall

AO3 Pairing: Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya Tag: Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending TW: Suicide Attempt Chapter Two: Watch You Drown

I know words won’t take away your pain. But I’m here for you. When you feel like no one cares, I do. I’m here for you. When others judge, or criticize, or roll their eyes, I won’t. I’m here for you. If it’s 3 am and you don’t want to burden anyone, call me. I’m here for you. If it seems so dark and the walls are closing in, I’ll be your light and guide you. I’m here for you. If you feel like no one understands, I do. I’ve been there. And I’m here for you. When you can think of nothing good to say about yourself, I have a long list of good I see in you, right here for you. When you can think of no reason to go on, I will be your reason. I need to be here for you. When you are upset for no reason, you don’t need to give me a reason to be here for you. When you don’t want advice or a lecture, and you just need someone to sit with you, I’ll sit here with you. When you feel like you have failed, you haven’t. You were here for me. Now I’m here for you.

"I'm Here For You"

Author Unknown

Stark and blinding white was what greeted him when Dazai opened his eyes. For a few mute moments it seemed like reality had left, had he finally done it? But- the steady sound of a heart monitor beeped suddenly, breaking the silence and waves of disappointment and heartbreaking anguish washed over him as he registered that he was staring at the ceiling of a hospital room.

How? Why? He wanted to ask, but his throat hurt and his chest ached even more, and he couldn’t find it in him to voice it aloud even as he forcibly sat himself up. Dulled amber eyes looked around the room and his heart audibly thudded in surprise when Dazai realized he’d been in this hospital room before.

Many times before, in fact. For years Chuuya had dragged him to this hospital in the middle of Mafia territory - and with that realization did a choking noise leave the startled detective. Chuuya had saved him?

Why?

After all he had done to Chuuya, in the Mafia and after - why save him?

He was nothing but a cruel, twisted, and manipulative partner to Chuuya. Ever since they had met he'd done nothing but play the elder like a puppet on strings.

And Chuuya had let him, just as he had let Sheep parade him around as their leader when he'd been no such thing.

Dazai had expected to get bored of the smaller teen after a while, what he hadn't been expecting had been to actually care for Chuuya. He’d buried his budding feelings down far beneath as many masks and personas as he could, but the redhead always had a way to tear them down and so Dazai lied and lied and-

How long had he been lying to Chuuya’s face, and the other had known? How long had he been lying to himself?

In truth, leaving Chuuya behind had been Dazai's only regret in leaving the Port Mafia.

He hadn't known if Chuuya's loyalty to him or his loyalty to the Mafia had been stronger, and Dazai, the coward he was, had been too scared to find out. So, he’d left in a haste of emotions he didn’t know how to control and had planted a bomb in Chuuya’s car to convince Mori his partner had nothing to do with his disappearance, because Dazai didn’t know what he’d do if something happened to Chuuya because of him.

It was with great reluctance that Dazai let the nurses fuss over him for a minute after they had finally realized he was awake; he’d been staring dully out the window for far too long by then, lost in his own thoughts and wrapped up in - how’s, why’s, if’s, and so on.

Why had Chuuya chosen this hospital in particular? They would release Dazai without a care, after making sure he had enough strength to get on his feet; he’d broken out of his hospital too many times before for them to bother trying to put him on suicide watch any longer.

In fact, it was less than an hour later that Dazai was signing the release forms and stepping out into the Mafia territory he knew better than any other place in Yokohama. If his memory served him correctly - and indeed it did - then Odasaku’s grave was only a few blocks from here.

Dazai supposed he should tell his friend the good news, but it sat heavily in his stomach (which hurt like hell already, the twisted knots and aches of hunger only adding to the weight) as he padded down the streets. The world was as dull as it had been the day before; the colors blurring and greying as he followed the steps that his feet knew far too well. Idle chatter from the people around him was almost mute, the cars soundless and even the sun was nothing but a dot of light.

Oda’s grave was perhaps the brightest thing in his world as he finally allowed his tired legs to stop in front of it; Dazai nearly swaying on his feet as the exhaustion from the past twenty-four hours hit him, and yet… yet Dazai couldn’t bring himself to say anything to Oda.

Sorry for failing? I’m going to succeed next time? I’ll play the good detective until then?

Yet, when was going to be next time? As tempting as it was to throw himself off of the nearest and tallest building in the area, something twisted inside of his heart let him know that he wouldn’t -he’d been a burden on Chuuya with trying to kill himself yesterday, and Dazai… Dazai didn’t want to be a burden.

How long he stood there, the tree branches above him swaying in the breeze and rustling, he didn’t know… His legs ached, his stomach hurt, and his heart was beating far too loudly and quickly for his own comfort; taunting him, repeating over and over I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m-

Dazai jumped when a hand made contact with his arm, and turning swiftly he couldn’t help but sag a little in relief at seeing Chuuya standing there.

And suddenly Oda’s grave wasn’t the brightest colors in his life at the moment - Chuuya’s hair was so painfully bright Dazai had to fight the urge to close his eyes at the sight of the red hair, although it helped that Chuuya’s clothes were dulled in color. Mafia black, after all.

He still couldn’t find the breath to speak, but a soft tapping on his wrist had a wavering chuckle drawn out of him. He’d taught Chuuya Morse Code back when they were fifteen and learning to be partners; it had been something small between them that only they knew, and over time they’d gotten to quick and quiet at tapping to each other from across the room that they’d done it during meetings with Mori or Ane-san without getting caught.

Hirotsu had been the only one able to keep up with them, and even then it’d been a struggle for the many, they both knew. Yet, still, Morse had been their language, tapping wherever they could - walls, desks, plates, each other’s skin-

‘Come.’ Chuuya tapped onto his wrist now, soft but repeated,, and feeling like a newborn calf trying to find his legs, Dazai stumbled after the mafioso as Chuuya began to lead him away from the gravesite. How many turns and side-streets they took Dazai would mentally catalogue later, instead keeping his attention ahead of him - on Chuuya himself.

That stupid hat sat on his head, and from what Dazai could see of the Executive’s face, his lips were pressed together tightly and Dazai’s heart tugged uncomfortably in his chest - and it took a moment for him to recognize the feelings causing the pains as regret and guilt; it was his fault that look was on Chuuya’s face.

He was being a burden again, on the person he wished to be one the least.

‘Stop.’ Was tapped suddenly on his wrist, and Dazai startled as he realized that Chuuya was looking at him from the corner of his eye. It took a second for the man to realize they had both stopped walking, and the redhead was turning his head to stare Dazai down with lips pressed into a thin line. But Chuuya’s eyes were always honest no matter the expression the Executive had on his face, and hesitantly did Dazai let his amber meet soft grey. His heart stuttered at seeing the concern in them, and feeling ashamed and unworthy of such concern he let his gaze drop.

If there was anyone who knew Dazai as well as himself (and, quite honestly, probably better than) was Chuuya. Of course the chibi would know where his thoughts were drifting to, and automatically his lips curved to offer a smile, but a sharp and singular tap that was obviously a scold had the mask he'd begun to put up fall right back away.

Inhaling slowly, Dazai let a silent sigh fall from his lips as he nodded mutely; a silent agreement to not put up any of his masks in front of Chuuya, just like before... and there was a softer tap to his wrist before they started to walk again.

They were in front of an apartment building soon enough; and it took Dazai only half a second to realize it wasn’t one that he had known. So Chuuya had moved after Dazai had left? Well, that was expected, he supposed- he had placed the bomb underneath Chuuya’s car in front of the apartment building. The bomb had been big enough it’d destroy the car, but not the building or the people around it; now if the bombed car’s shrapnel had hurt anyone, well, that wasn’t directly his fault, yet the idea of it had begun to plague his mind after he’d start to grown to care about the public.

The building was one of the tallest in the area, and Dazai eyed the electronic lock for a moment as the redhead entered a passcode that Dazai knew he’d guess easily the next time he would visit Chuuya’s apartment - for now he knew where the chibi lived and undoubtedly he’d show up to annoy Chuuya - and the door beeped in conformation before opening.

Chuuya didn’t let go of his wrist as he led Dazai into the building, nor when they slipped into the elevator; there weren’t anyone in the lobby, and just by glancing around the building did Dazai doubt there were many people living in anyways - while it wasn’t Mafia territory, it was one of the richer parts of Yokohama that few could afford, and those who did likely used it as a vacation apartment.

Of course Chuuya lived in the penthouse, Dazai mused as he watched the elder hit the button for the top floor before he turned his head to look out of the glass windows in the elevator. The world seemed so small from up here, as the floor whizzed on by; would jumping from the roof kill him before he hit the ground?

It was a sudden itch to test the stupid thought that entered his mind, and Dazai shifted his wrist to instead grasp Chuuya’s hand - ignoring the sharp look Chuuya spared him - and quickly advereted his gaze from the windows, focusing instead on the numbers as they continued up.

Sixty-six floors later, they stepped out into the hallway; there was only one doorway in sight. A key was fished from Chuuya’s pocket, and he stepped first into the apartment before tugging Dazai in as well. It was furnished lavishly, the entryway and into the living room that Dazai could see; famous works of art hung on the walls, the couches looked so soft and were likely velvet in upholstery- a rack of hats stood just outside of the entryway but not quite into the living room, and that was where Chuuya settled his before finally tugging his hand away from Dazai.

It was like a lifeline had suddenly been cut away; immediately his chest began to hurt and it was getting hard to breathe, blood rushing into his ears as his eyesight darkened... before hands were pushing at the jacket on his shoulders and Dazai gasped as the cold of the door behind him registered against his back and those soft silver eyes were watching him in concern.

“Shit.” He could hear Chuuya mutter; the first words he’s heard from the chibi since their phone call and guilt washed over Dazai as it hit him again that Chuuya was concerned for him.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but a gloved hand clamped itself over his lips before he could- Chuuya was standing on the tips of his toes, scowling up at him. “Stop it, Osamu.” His body quivered at hearing his given name, and a whine left his throat before Dazai could fully stop it.

He didn’t deserve Chuuya’s concern, he didn’t deserve any pity… where was his pity when he had hurt people, when he had killed people so easily? So easily… he cared not, back then, nor could he fully feel remorse now for what he had done during that time; except for how he had easily and willingly hurt and used Chuuya.

Chuuya didn’t deserve to have a partner like him.

Slowly the gloved hand fell away and Dazai could register Chuuya saying something about needing to undress; and he let the other finish pushing away his jacket, focusing on merely breathing normally as Chuuya maintained contact this time, even if it was just the brushing of his hands against his sides or arms.

Dazai merely blinked and they were in Chuuya’s bedroom, the redhead’s own jacket and weird little half-coat discarded somewhere. He was stripping himself of the grey vest he wore over his dress shirt and Dazai was sitting on the edge of the large bed; he blinked slowly as he took in the sight of Chuuya’s bedroom - a large king-sized four-poster bed (so Chuuya’s style) dressed to the nines in what Dazai could only assume was egyptian cotton and oh the blankets were so soft…

When had he been stripped of his own shoes, pants, and shirt? Chuuya had left his bandages on, something Dazai would always be grateful about, and his boxers as well - speaking of such underthings, there was a hand on his chest pushing him back against the bed and suddenly Chuuya was straddling him.

His lips were still set into a frown, but there was more concern poured into his expression than earlier, and although Dazai could still feel the guilt washing over him in droves his own exhausted mind finally wore out what little strings had still yet to have been cut; and his world was blurry a moment later as tears stung in his eyes.

Hands gently pushed him further back onto the bed, softly prodding his side until Dazai was lying on his back and just a moment later the heavy weight of the Executive was lying on his chest and arms tucked themselves awkwardly around Dazai’s waist; the man’s breath hitching and a few hiccups escaped him as he recalled the very first time they’d done this.

It had started less than a month after Chuuya had joined the Mafia, the mafioso showing up at his bedroom door, beet red and grumbling something about not being able to sleep alone. Apparently Sheep had been one of those groups where people often bunked together - Chuuya had been mumbling something about roommates and snoring - and certainly Dazai had known his partner hadn’t been getting enough sleep, if the bags under his eyes weren’t enough of a clue, Chuuya had been on the edge of falling asleep at meetings more than once.

For some reason or another, he had let the redhead in and they ended up in Dazai’s full-sized bed on the opposite sides of the mattress, tossing half-hearted insults back and forth; although Dazai never teased him about needing this comfort.

For someone who flinched away from touches, who avoided skin contact as if it were the plague (he’d rather have the plague in truth) Dazai was touch-starved. Neither of them said anything or even acknowledged how they usually ended up cuddling in the morning - Dazai latched on to Chuuya like an octopus - or how Chuuya usually ended up sleeping well enough to drool onto Dazai’s shoulder.

It was something they fell into easily, when their missions ramped up and the migraines Chuuya got after using Corruption were soothed by having Dazai near; and whenever Dazai’s own mind ran circles around him and screamed so loud that he tried to kill himself to end them, Chuuya would drag him into his apartment and his bed and they’d stay there until they could slowly piece Dazai Osamu back together.

No Longer Human silenced the god in Chuuya’s head and Dazai got some human contact he didn’t completely hate; it was a win-win situation for the both of them on the better days.

Until Dazai had left, and there had been many sleepless nights for the both of them. How often had he ended up drinking sake until he fell asleep? Dazai couldn’t black out, and rarely did he get to the point he would’ve, but the alcohol made him sleepy and it helped; but it was a terrible coping mechanism.

He couldn’t imagine what Chuuya had gone through.

Even now, Dazai's arms had moved upwards, hands hovered uncertainly over Chuuya's shoulders as he was torn between pushing the Executive away, or pulling him close. Chuuya didn't deserve to be tainted by his inhumanity; yet, a little traitorous part of his mind whispered that Chuuya was already tainted. For The Tainted Sorrow was his ability, he housed a literal God inside of his body; and yet how many times had they found themselves like this?

How many times before had Chuuya drug him into his apartment and done what he was doing now? How many times had Chuuya been patient and far too kind, piecing his mind back together without even a single complaint?

As if sensing his hesitation (and undoubtedly he did), Chuuya shifted suddenly, rolling off of Dazai and onto his side on the bed, legs and arms pushing himself upwards. Dazai felt a hand gently prod his own side, and he rolled over to be met with Chuuya’s chest, blurry as it was as the man fought to keep from crying.

He hated losing control of his emotions - hell, he still didn’t know half the time how to cope with them, they were always so overwhelming and crushed him underneath their weight.

"Osamu." Chuuya's hands had moved along with the redhead. One hand came to cradle his head whilst the other ran its fingers through his hair. "Do… do you want to talk about it?"

No, he wanted to answer; how could he? He still honestly didn’t know fully what he was doing here, and perhaps that was the worst of these days - when he didn’t know how to function and needed a guiding hand and he still didn’t know why Chuuya was letting him do this nor why Chuuya was there and- and Dazai's brain whirled too fast for him to try and comprehend, and all that came out was a pathetic whimper. He buried his head into Chuuya’s chest and shook it, ears ringing loudly.

This was wrong. His mind insisted, the whispers and multiple voices slowly getting louder over his own screaming thoughts. He didn’t deserve compassion, he was nobody, nobody couldn’t trust anybody, and nobody ever needed comfort... but it was Chuuya.

Chuuya was one of the two people he’d always been able to open up to. You don’t deserve him. He could talk to Chuuya, but how would Chuuya react? He’d only confirm what you already know.

He doesn’t care about you.

He cares about No Longer Human.

He-

Fingers were suddenly pressing into a certain spot on his neck that Dazai loathed, just touching casually made it hurt like hell and it certainly hurt now, worse than it ever had before. Dazai whimpered aloud again, turning his head to bite into Chuuya’s sweater to keep from crying out and making anymore pathetic noises.

However, as Chuuya rubbed the tight knots out of his neck Dazai could feel the tension begin to leave his shoulders; it was like a wave of relief hit him as the pain slowly eased away. As things he hadn't realized he was tensed about melted away, eyelids drooped as the steady sound of Chuuya's heartbeat thumped beneath his ear, drowning out his own thoughts and the angry voices that’d been screaming.

Chuuya’s hand moved from his neck to slowly stroke down his back, and normally Dazai would flinch away from such contact - but it was Chuuya, and as much as Chuuya couldn’t deny him, Dazai couldn’t deny his partner either.

The darkness that claimed him tonight was welcoming and warm, the steady sound beneath his ear chasing away any nightmares that thought to plague him; leaving Dazai in blissful and swift blackness.

The bed was cold when he awoke, body aching and heart thumping too loudly for his own comfort as Dazai jolted awake. The sheets around him were soaked with sweat and Dazai felt nauseous as he sat up, biting his cheek as bile rose in his throat; belatedly he realized that he hadn’t eaten since the day before his latest attempt.

A growling stomach seemed to agree with him, and even if food still didn't have an appetizing sound to it, Dazai reluctantly rolled over and slipped out of the bed. The spot next to him was cold, meaning Chuuya hadn't been in bed for a while. A glance at the clock on the nightstand told him it was the middle of the night - even if the darkness surrounding him and pale moonlight bleeding through the curtains hadn't already.

The late evening and deep into the night was the best time for the higher-ups in the Mafia to act; less people milling around to catch them in whatever job Mori had given them.

Chuuya had left him for work, hadn't he? Dazai didn't blame him, and wouldn't admit aloud the way his stomach twisted now wasn't because of his hunger.

The chili was a workaholic after all, was it really that surprising?

Dazai shuddered as he stepped into the hallway, the sweat from being overly warm as he swept made his skin damp and the air conditioning must've been left on, chilling him.

Hadn't Chuuya been fond of freezing out his apartment? Even if his bed had been stacked with an inhumane amount of blankets, and any seating in his apartment draped with a blanket or throw.

The detective was regretting not seeking out his shirt as a light coming peering out from underneath the cracks of a doorway just down the hall caught his attention and Dazai froze mid-step.

His mind was still not functioning properly - if it ever, he mused - and Dazai decided that, well, might as well face the music and if it was an intruder in Chuuya’s house, maybe they’d shoot him and put him out of his misery.

Worse was the idea that it was Chuuya. It wasn’t the bathroom, was it? No, he remembered there was an ensuite bathroom he hadn’t minded much attention to other than a passing glance as he had left the bedroom and without giving it too much thought he slowly stepped through the hallway before he opened the door.

Ah, the kitchen… it smelled heavenly, and the sound of Dazai’s stomach growling must’ve been loud enough for Chuuya to turn around and away from whatever was sizzling on the stove when he paused in the doorway - because Dazai knew he had opened the door silently not to get caught - and soft grey met melted amber.

“Hungry?” Mutely Dazai nodded, moving to sit at the carved mahogany table that had a few dishes already set upon it, and his stomach twinged at the idea of eating a full plate. “Good, get something to eat. I’m almost done with the eggs.”

“It’s not healthy to eat in the middle of the night, chibi. Aren’t you scared of gaining weight?” It was a gentle tease, and his lips twitched faintly at hearing Chuuya snort - and imagined him rolling his eyes - as Dazai looked over the options.

Oh? French breakfast this time? He mused as he snagged a few croissants off of one plate before pulling over the butter dish, eyeing his options of jam. Eggs were swiftly deposited onto a plate by the sounds of it, and only a moment later Chuuya joined him at the table while Dazai finally plucked a jar of strawberry preserves out of the small lineup to top on his croissant.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, the scraping of forks and knives against plates and dishes doing the most of the talking. It was… almost painfully awkward, and Dazai couldn’t help the thoughts that dug through his mind.

Was Chuuya regretting helping him? Why had Chuuya saved him in the first place? Wouldn’t his life be quieter with Dazai out of it? Certainly he wouldn’t have a way out of Corruption, but they’d gone four years without it, Dazai had no doubts that Mori could continue to find ways to avoid using the last resort.

"Chuuya." Dazai suddenly called out the other's name when the redhead had moved to deal with his empty plate, and it had just been placed upon the counter when Chuuya’s head snapped up. Deciding to no longer drag out the inevitable question, Dazai asked, "Why?"

It was the question he had asked each time Chuuya had stopped or saved him from his own serious suicide attempts; each time they ended up here, in Chuuya's apartment, eating breakfast as if Dazai hadnt had a mental breakdown less than twenty-four hours ago, or that he had spilled his heart out to Chuuya.

Each time he'd been given the same answer from a very furious redhead, "Because we're partners, bastard."

It was truthful enough, even if Dazai saw that it wasn't the complete truth by the way Chuuya's lips pressed tighter or the concern Dazai blatantly ignored that seeped into Chuuya's grey eyes and tone.

But, they were no longer partners; Dazai had betrayed the Mafia, shut Chuuya out of his life - even if only to try to protect his dog - and only once since the awkward and unstable truce had been made had Chuuya and Dazai seen each other: the night that Double Black had made an encore.

"Do I need to answer that?" Wasn't the answer Dazai was expecting, and the detective fell silent; which was confirmation enough, he felt, his eyelids slipping shut and lips twisting into a false smile. What he was expecting was the sound of a harsh exhale and maybe some ludicrous answer, what he wasn’t expecting was for a bare hand to be suddenly pressed against his cheek.

He didn't dare open his eyes, heart thudding uncomfortably in his chest; he could feel it momentarily stop when the thumb brushed lightly against his cheek.

“If you didn’t want help you wouldn’t have used our codeword, Dazai.”

They had certain phrases and codewords that made sense to little others unless explained. Just like how “O’Granters of Dark Disgrace, you need not wake me Again,” was the trigger for Chuuya’s Corruption, so was “Rest now, Chuuya,” to destimulate his body after such a harrowing act to it.

Goodnight; it was to let Chuuya know that Dazai was exhausted - not just physically, but mentally as well. Goodnight; was a word that gave Chuuya a good warning that Dazai was about to try and take his life again. Goodnight; was never something they’d say directly to another - it was their version of goodbye, and they never said goodbye, only “See you later.”

Which may have been the reason that Dazai had teased the other by mentioning Snow White after being awakened by Chuuya during the whole scenario they called Dead Apple - because if his ex-partner hadn’t come when he did, well, Dazai wouldn’t be sitting across from him at the moment.

“I hadn’t meant to.” Dazai sighed, truly meaning it. In those last moments, he had wanted to say goodbye in the only way he knew how - he hadn’t had any intentions of letting Chuuya save him, he thought he’d been too far gone by that time, or that Chuuya had been far enough away.

“Doesn’t matter,” Chuuya said dismissively, thumb still brushing against his cheek. “It happened, and I’m taking the next week off and so are you.”

“Mori won’t let you,” Dazai warned as he finally allowed his eyes to open, heart racing at how close Chuuya was to him at the moment. The redhead was frowning at him, looking at him as if he was some odd puzzle he couldn’t quite solve even if they both knew Chuuya knew him so well and-

"Mori won't mind, not if it's for taking care of you." Dazai couldn't breathe, taking in the genutine answer from Chuuya - Mori should mind, Dazai was a traitor to the Mafia and even despite his many attempts at getting Dazai back, the man should’ve had his jaw crushed and three shots fired into his chest a long time ago so- so why?

Nobody cared about him- right?

But Chuuya saved him and now-

His sight was shaking and it took a second for Dazai to realize that he was shaking his head. “No,” he gasped, moving away from Chuuya and an almost hysterical laugh left the man. He had to get away- but he didn’t want to leave, he just… he… he needed space. “No… no… no.” Dazai’s back hit a wall, and he shuddered as the freezing wood met his bare skin, but he couldn’t help himself as he whimpered “No.”

It was too much.

"Osamu." It's soft, almost a whisper, like a prayer made for no one but him.

"Mori cares." He didn't expect him to-

"Hirotsu cares." -but was it beyond his fondness for just Soukoku, or the old boss?-

"Ane-San cares." -he audibly snorts at that, but a… a look from Chuuya silences him immediately-

"Akutugawa cares." -that look had Dazai trembling, heart racing in his chest and that weird burning in the corners of his eyes were back-

"I care."

-a sound like a wounded animal echoed around the room, and it took Dazai a full minute to realize it’d been him to make the noise.

The look Chuuya was giving him; a soft, oddly gentle look on the mafioso’s face, the way those steel grey eyes softened into something like liquid silver… he didn’t deserve such a look- he didn’t deserve to be looked at like he was something to be cared for - about - like a treasure.

Dazai felt like an animal trapped in a corner with no way out, and the urge to lash out was almost overpowering his deeply buried urge to be wanted.

But this was Chuuya, of all people, and Dazai knew he could… he could trust Chuuya.

Another wounded sound left him as Dazai slid down and onto the floor, hands twisting into his own hair and tugging at it desperately. The thud of him hitting the floor suddenly startled Chuuya and the redhead was there in a moment, kneeling just in front of Dazai, his lips twisted into a frown and the way his brows furrowed was almost too cute-

“Chuuya.” Dazai didn’t know what to say - what could he say? “Chuuya.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks now, undoubtedly fat and ugly, salty and hot too as they reached his lips. Arms wrapped around him as Dazai’s fingers dug painfully into his own skin, nails digging deep enough to scratch and leave marks that would stick around for a few days.

“Osamu.”

Chuuya shouldn’t care about him - Dazai had done far too much bad to the elder for him to ever expect forgiveness… but Chuuya did. Chuuya cared for him - he could read Chuuya like an open book and vise versa; and he wasn’t lying about it.

Why?

When?

How?

The words echoed in his mind but his lips couldn’t move to form the questions, instead the detective repeated Chuuya’s name like a prayer as he was pressed against a hard chest with the gentlest of hands, one curling around his neck and the other pushing his hands away from his head (those hands which moved to bury themselves into Chuuya's clothing as Dazai's arms wrapped so tightly around Chuuya it must've been painful) and softly began to card his fingers through Dazai's messy locks soothingly as the man pressed his head against Chuuya's shoulder and allowed himself to fall apart in his partner's arms, tears continuing to fall.

His mind was falling apart again, shattering into pieces with these bits of knowledge - at knowing Chuuya cared - but deep within his mind there lay something Dazai hadn’t seen in… as long as he could recall.

Hope… hope that…

That in the end…

Everything would be okay.

Maybe not perfect, but… but Chuuya was there… so it would be okay. He’d patch him up like he always had…

And everything would be okay...

Because, at least, Chuuya cared.

#BSD #Bungou Stray Dogs #Nakahara Chuuya #Chuuya Nakahara #Dazai Osamu #Osamu Dazai #Soukoku #ao3 #My Writing #tw: sucidal thoughts

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gotmilk5101520 · 6 years ago

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Miraculous Ladybug Rewatch Episode 32 Robostus

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Time for the robot takeover.

Marinette, your Ladybug is showing.

“But i am also 98.2% positive the teachers aren’t ready for this advancement of evolution“

“His best friend is in his school bag?”

“Yeah Tikki, totally strange. Wait a minute”

How to act normal: Don’t do what Marinette’s doing.

“Go back to your sit now Max. Leave this to the adults. There’s only one answer for this” “Oh no” “Here we go again” “It’s the FAIRY GOD KWAMIS!”

“Nailed it” “It’s pound it!” “...” “...” “Adrien, let’s pretend that never happened” “Agree”

“I heard you’re into computing like Max and myself”

“I am indeed. It’s one of my hobbies i even wrote a program for my computer of which it has nothing to do about being a superhero”

Adrien watching Marinette without her knowing part 7

“Could you please define Miraculous?” When someone asks what Miraculous Ladybug is about.

“Very well. What is the purpose of these jewels?”

“This is none of your concern”

“I was just being curious”

“If used together they can make a wish come true”

“Could i make any wish come true?”

“No! The Miraculous and the wish will belong to me!” It’s right here that we can start to piece together Hawkmoth’s true plans. Also no one has ever questioned Hawkmoth on why he wants them. But let’s talk about that later.

Transformers.

“If you truly love your friend, then you should listen to him Robostus”

“Yeah, like we do”

*Sighs in French*

His tail is on his head.

Chaticopter

“Is that Morse Code?”

“Do you need subtitles? I speak several languages” Question: Why Morse Code?

Why is he like that?

“Why am i in the wors- On second thought i’m in the best position. Ouch! Okay okay!”

“Hahahaha! You really thought you can control me?”

Why do you have this in your lair Hawky Mothy?

Okay let’s talk about Robostus now: Unlike every villain, Robostus questioned Hawkmoth about the Miraculous, and knowing that they can grant any wish, is what made Robostus even more motivated to win like Puppeteer. However Robostus was motivated by wanting to be a real boy, and Puppeteer was motivated by simply wanting to beat Ladybug and Chat Noir and that’s what made them scary. So long as the villains are not motivated by wanting revenge or anything personal, then beating Ladybug and Chat Noir and taking the Miraculous will be easy. And Markov is a robot so that’s what makes him even more threatening akumatized and why he questions Hawkmoth about the Miraculous. If the other villains knew about this not only would they be even more motivated to defeat Ladybug and Chat Noir, but they would also turn on Hawkmoth, like Robostus. It makes sense why Hawkmoth wouldn’t share this to them.

Max out here showing how and why he gets the Horse Miraculous.

Correction: Ladybugs land on their feet and cats don’t.

“Lesson learned” “And that would be?” “Never akumatize a robot again” “Are you kidding me? The lesson here is that you should never have put missiles in your lair! Also how are all these butterflies still alive!?”

Tea time with the Kwamis.

“For every action, there is a reaction. For every wish a price to pay in return. Had your robotic friend asked to become a real boy, someone would’ve lost his humanity in return” “So in other words, we’re pulling a Fullmetal Alchemist?” “Fullmetal what?” “I get it, i get it”

So like i said before on if akumatized villains were told about the wish. What would their wish be? And how would the universe try to balance itself? Like say Stoneheart, the first akumatized villain, knew about the wish. What would he wish for and how would the universe try to balance it?

OMG The Titans are here!

#miraculous ladybug #milk rewatches miraculous ladybug

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ultraclops · 5 years ago

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Semi-live Blogging: Return of the Mao Mao Episodes

Before we start, is it just me or is the animation like 10x smoother than it usually is? Also like I said with Nakey, there’s a lot more good expressions too!

Lucky Ducky Mug

Adorabat drinks from sippy cup like baby

"What, Mao Mao's ridiculous mug?" says Badgerclops, holding a cheap plastic big gulp cup he probably got from the grocery store.

How did Adorabat not notice the Lucky Ducky sticker on the Aerocycle

"Don't touch it" (Badgerclops proceeds to slam the table to move it) Ah Badgerclops, ever the contrarian

I'M SORRY DID MAO MAO BLOW THE ROOF OFF OF HQ BY SCREAMING

I love the way Mao says "PROFESSIONAAAL SILENCEEE"

Badgerclops trying to make his mouth disappear and failing made me scream with laughter

Are they seriously reducing Ratarang to 'the funny lil Italian guy'? C’mon guys you’re better than this

Wait why do they think Kevin is Adorabat?? They've seen Adorabat multiple times?? "But they're both blue!" You FOOL Kevin is TEAL there's a difference

Everybody gangsta til Mao Mao's ears start speaking morse code

They're doing surprisingly good silent but it's probably not gonna be that way very long.

Thank you, Lucky Ducky Mug, for catering to my niche interest in characters with neon outlines on black backgrounds.

Mao Mao thinking: Normal thoughts

Badgerclops thinking: Musical-esque singing

Adorabat thinking: Literally just heavy metal

The Sweetypies seriously think they're just playing a really intense game of charades huh,,,

(Mao jabs BC in the stomach with the fire net) HAHA GET REKT

The scene with Badgerclops trying to give Mao Mao Penny's mug is the funniest shit in the world I couldn't stop laughing...or maybe I'm just sleep-deprived

So the Sky Pirates are so similar compared to the Sheriff's Dept. that they can think perfectly in sync? That's cool

SKY PIRATES SONG SKY PIRATES SONG

Why is Snugglemagne throwing a random tea party & why did he only invite the Sheriff's Dept.

Yep there goes the plan. Both of their plans.

Am I going crazy or did the skin on Mao Mao's mouth tear apart like it was sewn shut?! Also yay they're talking again

"It's not gonna stop charging, so I'm just gonna let it explooode..." Mood

"What about the mega laser tube made by mega Losers?" Fsfhkfh

Hey, everyone learned something new from this experience! Are the Sky Pirates gonna try that Hive Mind tactic from now on?

Awww, they fixed his mug with gold - GOD DAMN IT I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH!!

Lonely Kid

(Sighs) ...I said (SIGHS)

"I literally can't relate to that problem at all." says Badgerclops, who joined a gang because he wanted people to like him.

Shin just dropped off Mao Mao at a summer camp and expected him to make friends? Why does this feel like the plot of Camp Camp

I'm sorry the Mao clan has a freaking PARTY AERO-BUS??

NOO GERALDINE

That BGM is DEFINITELY an extended version of "I Love You, Mao Mao" and I want the lyrics NOW

So Bao was literally just a stray that Mao took home?? Would make sense as to why he wasn't trained

I have a feeling the Flimborg is some sort of sacred being the townspeople worship for some reason

How in the hell did Mao tie that guy up and why didn't he bother to untie him

HOW'D HE SET THE ROCKS ON FIRE USING PAINT

"And then you become frien-" "BEES. IN THE EYES."

"Everyone knows bees are our friends!" "Uh, actually, they were wasps." "Friends to no-one!" Usually I'd agree with BC, but I read an article about someone befriending a wasp and her babies so.

So the Mao clan's just known as the "Golden Cat Family Up The Hill?" Huh. I thought they’d have more recognition, especially since Shin says he went to that same summer camp at the beginning.

Man those kids are jackasses

"Say hi to your mommy!" "I would if she was here..." Excuse me wHAT

Noo don't cry baby boi - tHEN BAO JUST TACKLES HIM ASFHDKDL

"Go away! I don't feel like laughing right now!"

Look. You can see the EXACT point Mao developed his adult personality

I know Mao Mao means well but that is gonna go terribly wrong.

"I AM A HERO! I WILL BE LOVED!!" Okay first of all OUCH, second of all THAT IS PAIN

This monster empty, YEET

Awww it was just a sweet little puppy-ish monster...and it was his BIRTHDAY

"Hi, Aunt Gloria!" (Pulls out pitchfork) BETRAYAL

He didn't feel bad about ruining the festival because he made a friend doing it I 💞💞💝💝💗💗

Thanks for that 'different times' comment cuz I don't want kids thinking being beat is normal.

"Just like you found me...and I'm your best friend!" Tbh I thought she was gonna say 'Me and Badgerclops' & that would make a lot more sense

Why are they fighting over who's his best friend they're obviously BOTH his best friends

I'm sorry did Badgerclops just call Adorabat a "little mutant"?? ARE THE SWEETYPIES MUTANTS??

Awww his friends love him sm...and he feels so loved too...💓💓💗💗💕💕

Try Hard

No one gives a shit about Pinky being kidnapped lol

"K for Copyright Infringement"

"You'll never be like me!" Oof a little harsh maybe?

"You've gotta learn to be your own kind of hero, in your own special way!" So THAT'S where it's from

"You just gotta...try hard." Hey, title drop!

Ngl the moment Mao Mao said "Badgerclops take the shot" I immediately thought of The Confession 3 by TomSka

"Up in a tree, little old me, about to do something...UGLY..." 7-year-old me sniping people on Halo 3 like

Why is he shooting them with gelatin tho? ...oh. Oh THAT'S why.

Tbh if I didn't have subtitles on I would've thought BC was saying "beep boop"

This badger and cat empty, YEET

Adorabat walking into the Skyship with only a walkie-talkie is giving me some sort of vibes...OH, Silent Hill! Or Tattletail

WHOOP HIS ASS SWEETIE

"Mao Mao would hide the body!" Very unsubtle there, wonder how it got past censors

"Ratarang, say something!" "Pasketti?" "THAT'S THE BRAT!"

Wait a sec, they can just use Badgerclops' arm to power the ship? Why didn't they try that in CapturedClops?

"Good thing my head is in here cuz I'm a-scared of heights!" Ramaraffe. Whose whole schtick is making herself taller. Is acrophobic?

"Because she's Sheriff's Department, that's how! >:3" "Also y'all tend to be pretty incompetent >X/"

Why does she keep trying to use the elevator when she can fly? Nvm she climbed up Badgerclops' arm

"Ooooh I'm also hereeee"

"JERK BUTT"

Why is the Omega Field just a bunch of broken glass? And why doesn't she just step around it?

"I can fly!" "She can fly!" "SHE FORGOT?!" Ooh that's why

"You're the best thing to ever happen to a bat like me." 💝💝💕💕💓💓

Wait she's talking through the walkie-talkie and her molts are there but she isn't there where is she?

Oh she was freeing the other two from the gelatin. No wonder Mao Mao almost threw up, it was bug flavored.

GET HIS ASS, HONEY!! ADORASLAP!!

I hope that 'Nah' means Adorabat's realized she needs to be herself instead of her just rejecting her individuality like I think it is.

Scared Of Puppets

Oh, so this takes place after Sleeper Sofa! Praying it's a fix-it episode...

"DISCARD ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T BRING YOU JOY!!" Fuckin Marie Kondo up in here

Oh no PTSD flashbacks. He's scared of them cuz one's head landed on his lap as a kid? Understandable have a nice day.

Who tf collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor then leaps back up and insists they're fine? Mao Mao, apparently.

Hairless ape? Is that what they call humans or are they something different in general?

"TAKE ALL MY MONEY!!" What did BC want an antique puppet for if he had no idea Mao was scared of them...

Mr. Din Dandalib!

"I...(eye twitch) love him too..."

IM SORRY DID HE FUCKING THROW UP OUT OF FEAR...holy SHIT

If I scared my friend and they threw up I would simply never do that again. RIP to Badgerclops but I'm different

(Badgerclops makes concrete blocks around the pothole) "Why didn't you just fill in the pothole??" "I AM TRYING MY BEST!!"

"I SIGNED YOUR DUMB CAST, NOW LEAVE!!"

...Illegal house plants? ...like marijua-

That was literally just that one video where a guy knocked out another guy in a mask jumping out of a trash can...

So it's a CPR class...AND a hair-styling class? How

I stg the moment Badgerclops walked in the door I knew he was carrying Mr. Din Danalin I SWEAR

"You're 10." "BUT I'M 6??" JFC Shin doesn't know his own son's age AND is partially responsible for his pupaphobia. And I called it on Mao Mao being six in the flashbacks

OH WIG

Can someone take the footage of the Annex exploding and add the ReviewTechUSA intro over it please

"How many Adult Learning Annexes have to be destroyed before you admit you're scared of puppets?!" is extremely funny without context

(Mao punches the wall cuz hes mad at himself for being scared) Kinkinkinkinki

How does one forget to drink milk

Oh shit the scene from the promo...

Yay he's starting to feel less scared - wait NVM it JUST STARTED TALKING??

OG SGUTVKC FGCJ OG SHKR OF DJCN JKKKKK

Oh it was just a dream - er, nightmare. FIRST NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE OF THE SERIES!

"I just gotta get my socks on...wait, I wear socks, right?" Dud e you wear NOTHING BUT A BELT...

"I KNEW SELLING THOSE HAIRLESS APE DOLLS WOULD ATTRACT DARK FORCES"

"There’s a lot of pu-" "PUBLIC DANGER"

Those puppets are alive I stg

"I'M A BIG BOI..."

Awwww she said what he told her at the beginning of the episode!

"I'M AFRAID OF PUPPETS" TITLE DROP YET AGAIN

Adorabat takes after Badgerclops sometimes I swear

Oooh shit sequel hook - oh NVM it was Badgerclops voice acting - NVM Mao Mao passed out. Dang

The Perfect Couple

Watermelon time babyyy

TRANSFORMATION TIME BABYYYY

Ah so he wanted to perfectly cut a watermelon in half, that's why he got so many?

"I need (counts on fingers) 600 more watermelons!" glad to see I'm not the only one who counts on my fingers

Why would Penny and Benny need 600 watermelons for their wedding? Also I called it on Penny & Benny being the couple

Mao Mao has to officiate the wedding? I thought priests did that

Please don’t throw up again Mao Mao

"I WILL BUY YOU A BAG TO HOLD YOUR STUFF..."

"A nondescript sack!!" Dude he just taking out the trash...

Nvm its just laundry

"I WILL TURN THIS BUSH AROUND"

Oh so THAT'S what Ramaraffe thought Kevin was Adorabat

"Why don't you buy me cake and do my laundry?" Are you implying you wanna marry Mao Mao, Badgerclops 👀

I lov Mao Mao's faces in this scene he legit looks like a bishouen anime protagonist

Nvm no transformation it's just his wedding outfit

Why did they invite Orangusnake and Boss Hosstritch to the wedding tho? What about when they hid in their moving truck and used their electricity - wait Badgerclops technically did that last one, nvm

Wait THEY DIDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER BEFORE THE WEDDING?? What a perfect couple huh

Is Mao Mao having hallucinations just gonna be a regular thing now....

IS PENNY SERIOUSLY GONNA MARRY ORANGUSNAKE OUT OF SPITE ASFSDGFUK

Why did Mao Mao say "melons" in a Spanish accent I'm scared

"They're both terrible, so what does it matter if they get hitched or not?" They're definitely gonna change their minds now

"She lied because she wanted to protect his feelings! And he lied because he couldn't bear to hurt her!" Isn't that just the plot of The Truth Stinks?

OH SHIT HE CUT ORANGUSNAKE IN HALF HOLY FUCK

He made Orangusnake officiate the wedding as punishment lol

Why are they,,,stepping on the watermelons?? Damn right Badgerclops I'd cry over that too

"What's, uh, your credit score like?" "850. Why, is that good?" "It's perfect..." HE WANTS TO MARRY MAO MAO NOW ASDFHKL

#semi live blogging #semi-live blogging #//long post #// long post

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