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0ccasional-thoughts · 3 months ago

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☆ Fluff Alphabet for Columbina ☆

oc x columbina || yumeship fluff alphabet

(I don't have a name for my self-insert oc yet, bc I barely associate myself with a name! Suggestions are appreciated lolz)

A - Admiration. (what do they admire about their S/O?

Huge cliché, but Columbina adores her partner's unusual eyes; it’s not uncommon to see people of Teyvat with peculiar eyes, but theirs stand out even amongst them.

B - Boldness. (how bold are they in regards to their S/O? Who confessed first?)

Pre-relationship, this damsel was dedicated to her act of a polite, noble girl. She wasn’t the boldest angel out there, preferring her fascination to do the ‘overt’ flirting instead. In-relationship ‘Bina is much different; mostly foregoing the act, she is a much bolder and teasing dove. In public, she has more reservations, for obvious reasons, but still slips in a few teasing comments to her lover.

C - Comfort. (how do they comfort their S/O?)

As most regular people would, using her words to validate and soothe her partner whilst she lays her hands gently around them; though, Columbina isn’t your regular person, and it takes a special kind of being to be comforted by her. (eg. “How unbecoming… My dove, may I dry your tears?” Her hands are framing your face, and she’s smiling, “Perhaps… their time has come?” Her soft, dazed voice ponders.)

D - Dates. (do they prefer going out or staying in? do they prefer fancy or simple?)

While she is open to whatever her partner suggests, the two of them are almost always preferring to stay inside, where they can focus on themselves and each other without any masks or formalities. On rare occasions, the couple's dates include observing the people of Teyvat from areas just out of sight. These dates are a shared favourite between Columbina and her partner.

E - Equal. (are they more dominant or passive?)

Extremely passive, but not blindly submissive. The Damselette is as perceptive as she is kind, and just because dominance and aggression aren’t in her character, doesn’t mean she really is as weak and gullible as she plays herself down to be. Don’t be fooled by her words, we all know that even a worm will turn.

F - Family. (do they want to start a family?)

The last thing on her and her lovers mind would be children; once, long ago, the topic of children was brought of up, and the general consensus was that neither of them would be able to realistically care for a child adequately without causing some form of severe trauma in the long-run, so they agreed to never have any, but be open to babysitting children from the Hearth if need be.

G - Goofy. (how serious are they when it comes to a relationship?)

Truly living up to her innocent character, she would rarely have ever gotten into any relationship with others beyond her friendly co-worker relationships; the angels other half, however, managed to slip between those limitations by remaining by her side for… many, many years, and seeing through her act, but aiding her in keeping and perfecting it instead of calling her out on it or even questioning her about it. This quiet aid, observational skill, deceptive skill, and long lifespan mixed with their equally unique personality and habits, resonated with Columbina, which may have been the start of her fascination with them.

H - Hugs. (how do they hug?)

Many would assume this young lady would give a gentle hug, but they forget her nature. ‘Bina has a tendency to lay her full weight onto her partner, as she feels comfortable in their embrace and is constantly in a state of lethargy, influencing her hugs to possess a light, but unrelenting grip around her partner. They claim her embrace “Feels like being swaddled by wings…” and we aren’t sure what that’s supposed to feel like.

I - Interests. (what Interests do they want to share with their S/O)

Columbina doesn’t really… have interests. The closest thing she has to one would be her lover. The young angel, like her partner, doesn’t seem to actually be excited by nor frightened by much. She does, however, find observing average humans a nice pastime.

J - Jealousy. (do they get jealous?)

This harbinger has no fear nor doubt in her mind about her partner and their relationship; especially not when her partner doesn’t care to interact with anyone who isn’t her and a select few other people. She isn’t exempt from feeling annoyed if her or her partner's boundaries and desires aren’t respected, but she doesn’t confront the cause of her frustrations; instead, she chooses to ignore them while remaining polite, focusing on better things than whoever caused an inconvenience to her or her lover.

K - Kiss. (how they kiss/favorite place to be kissed, and vice versa.)

We got word from her lover that her kisses feel like cold petals against the skin. And that she does not have a favourite spot to give kisses to. She, however, is a fan of gentle kisses to the apple of her cheeks and her forehead. “Do I not deserve gentle love, too?” The Damselette inquired in response, after we questioned her about the reasons for such areas.

L - Love Language.

While she does like to have a hand on her partner often, she’s simply around her lover a little more. This would be an even split if not for the fact that in her occupation and position, wherein she must exude some form of professionalism, meaning she cannot be touching her lover until they’re both out of the building. Columbina is rumored to have a significant favouritism for cuddling in her Celestia-soft mattress… That’s just a rumor, of course!

M - Meals. (kitchen dynamics.)

If you think she can cook, you have never met a celestial being. She can bake exceptionally well, instead.

N - Nicknames. (what do they call their S/O?)

The couple call each other variants of “(My/little) Dove”, “(My) Love”, “(My) Dear”, and floral-themed pet names, while the angel also calls her lover “(My) cloud”, “Heartbeat”, “Starlight”, and “My guidance/guide” (eg. Columbina turns her head slightly to face them, unsure, “My guide… How shall my fragile body survive this fight…?” She casually shakes her head, “Dove, I will be torn to pieces brutally…” She sighs, yet her visage remains completely unbothered, a soft smile playing on her lips, “I hope they can go easy on me.”)

O - Openness. (how open are they about their past/emotions with their S/O?)

Columbina… She is quite the reserved enigma to the world of Teyvat, isn’t she? Her significant other knows most of our darling angels background, mainly because they were in it, which saves the extra years of patience it would’ve taken to get to know her otherwise.

Now, while she isn’t very open about her past, she does mention in passing people from it and things they’ve taught her. Similarly, this is how Columbina will communicate any emotions she wishes to share; not a focus, easy to miss, and requires genuine thought and care to whatever she was speaking about first to ask a relevant question.

If Columbina is speaking to you, she wants you to hear every word of it and care.

P - PDA?

Due to Columbinas occupation, and her reputation amongst the harbingers, only innocent displays of affection such as hand-holding, short hugs, or eskimo kisses are given publicly. When there aren’t prying eyes, she is almost always draped over her lover in some way.

Q - Quarrel. (how they apologize/ how long it takes them to forgive their S/O?)

If the two ever were to argue, with Columbina being in the wrong, it wouldn’t take very long after the argument for her to realize what went wrong, or for her to apologize. She’s more likely to apologize before the argument ends, considering the care and natural perceptiveness she holds.

If her partner were to be in the wrong, and apologize for it during or after the argument, she wouldn’t have any issues with forgiving them, but would likely pull a little ‘mother’ move and ask her lover why they’re apologizing, and what they’ll do to better themself if that’s applicable.

R - Rules. (boundaries they have.)

Divine as The Damselette is, all she asks is that her partner does not get in the way of The Tsaritsas plans, nor be too hard when running their hands along the wings behind her head; they have a surprisingly strong push when handled too rough. Other than that, she doesn’t really have many no-goes.

S - Security. (how protective they are of their S/O.)

Our… harmless angel here is protective in a very subtle way, and her protectiveness stems primarily from her status as a Fatui harbinger; specifically the third. Due to her ranking, she is, of course, subject to many ill-intentioned people trying to sabotage her and find genuine vulnerability in her.

She’s largely aware of this, and due to that, she takes precaution when her lover is anywhere without her; she ensures that her eyes are carefully watching over her other half, placing a feeling of eerie and ‘unreasonable’ unease onto any nefarious persons.

Of course, her spouse is well-aware of these types of people, and they are more than capable of dealing with those dangers; but the need to protect each other is strong in this relationship, which the two of them appreciate greatly in each other.

T - Time. (how long does it take to fall for their S/O?)

As previously stated above, it took quite some time before ‘Bina and her partner got together. We don’t exactly have a specific timeframe, but her partner was willing to share a vague estimate for us; “Hm… We’ve been by one another for so long, I’d say…” they’d pause to think, we’re unsure if they were doing so for fun, “About… three to seven lifetimes? Ah… you die so young…” What. W hat does that mean .I’m scared

U - Upset (what things upset them in a relationship?)

Not much, unsurprisingly. Columbina is one of the most polite and lenient of the harbingers; save for the gargantuan levels of collateral damage she leaves due to her lack of restraint in battle. Luckily, she doesn’t have much that will upset her in a relationship. We believe that the worst thing would be if her partner were to commit an act of infidelity. Or find out her partner was only with her to stop The Tsaritsa. We’re glad that isn’t the case, we don’t want to see that kind of fight in our lifespan.

V - Vacation. (what kind of traveler are they with their S/O?)

Due to Columbinas lackadaisy nature, she doesn’t do much travelling; what’s the point in doing that when you’ve already seen it all?

This, however, doesn't matter if her spouse were to wish to go somewhere in Teyvat. She would love nothing more than to “spend a nice vacation away with them, anywhere they fancy.” How adorable. <3

W - Words. (promises they make to their S/O.)

“ “One day, I will show you the beauty in end. You and I… We will live on forever in a joyous paradise…” She whispers into their neck, her arms draped over their shoulders as they both lay on her cloud-soft mattress, “What do you say, little dove?” She smiles into the crevice between their neck and shoulder. ”

X - Xenial. (how do they make their partner feel welcome/what makes them feel welcome?)

Columbina doesn’t have to do much to make her partner feel welcome, at most they only ask that she is alright with their temporary disappearances, of which they will try to tell her about before it happens. (“There’s been many a time where I must be away from interactions… I do not do well with that kind of thing.” They admit, “Quality time is a big part of our relationship, though. And I do value that. So I make sure to let minha anja know beforehand.”)

On the other hand, The Damselette feels most welcome when her lover isn’t off-put by her behaviours, and when they don’t have an issue with her association with the Fatui.

Y - Yearning. (do they miss their S/O easily? what do they do about it?)

Due to her work and her lovers tendencies, there are many days where the two don’t see much of each other. This, luckily, isn’t too common of an occurrence, and her partner has expressed that they are alright with Columbina keeping some eyes on them to sate her yearning.

So, in short, yes; the angel does miss her spouse easily, but the two have worked out a way around that, whilst still respecting her partner's need for space.

Z - Zzz. (sleeping habits/how they cuddle.)

Much like her fighting style, Columbina lacks awareness of her strength. She starts a nice cuddling session with her spouse very gently, usually laying on top of them as she traces shapes on their cheek.

Once she falls asleep, however, she lies there like a deadman, unmoving with an iron grip around her lover's waist or back. Luckily, they’re used to this, otherwise they would’ve long since died from a lack of oxygen.

As stated above, Columbina doesn’t move at all in her rest. If it weren’t for the soft sighs she occasionally emits, one would think she really was dead!

Another… peculiar habit she has whilst sleeping is that the wings on the back of her head stretch out sometimes, and a few feathers shift to reveal hauntingly voided eyes, with small outlines of red around them… (eg. They soothingly brush their fingers through Columbinas hair, her resting beauty such a tranquil and ethereal sight. They feel the fluttering of her wings against their forearm, watching with curiosity as her wings opened and feathers separated; never before had they seen the dark eyes hidden beneath them, a red void outlining a dark and eerie nothingness of iris looking so deeply past their own flesh and soul. If they were anyone else, the sight would’ve surely petrified them, but they could feel the distant, but still present, loving gaze within those eyes.)

#•occasional thoughts•#oc x cc #oc x canon #oc x character #oc x f/o #yumeship #yumeshipping #yumejoshi #yume community #columbina #oc x columbina #self insert

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at-honeydevice · 3 months ago

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clea ricci’s sexual preferences

sexual orientation: › bisexual, but she has a heavy preference for men in both attraction & relationships. › she enjoys women in a casual, playful, or indulgent sense but does not seek serious emotional or sexual connections with them as often as she does with men. › when she does engage with women, it’s usually spontaneous & chemistry-driven, rather than a deep-seated preference.

emotional vs. physical: › clea does not need an emotional bond to enjoy sex. while attraction & chemistry are important, she does not require love, romance, or deep personal attachment to engage in an encounter. › sex can be a source of pleasure, power, or connection, depending on the situation. she enjoys the interplay between partners & the dynamics of control & surrender. › while she can enjoy intimacy, she does not equate sex with vulnerability. she can separate her emotions from the act itself if necessary.

preferred partners: men: › she is heavily attracted to dominance, confidence, & power. › she seeks partners who exude strength & self-assurance — those who do not hesitate, second-guess, or need validation. › intelligence & presence matter just as much as physical attraction. a man who can control a room is far more appealing than one who simply looks good. › she enjoys the company of men who lead naturally, rather than those who try too hard to assert control.

women: › she is more fluid & selective in her relationships with women. › she enjoys women for their sensuality, playfulness, & contrast to men, but they do not ignite the same deep sexual craving that strong, dominant men do. › her encounters with women are exploratory & indulgent, often born from curiosity or momentary attraction rather than a long-term desire. › if she engages with a woman, it is usually because the dynamic intrigues her rather than an inherent need for female partners.

dominance & submission: › with men: she is naturally submissive, but only to partners she respects & trusts. she enjoys surrendering control in the bedroom, but only on her terms. she does not see submission as weakness — rather, she views it as a choice to give power to a partner worthy of it. she seeks a partner who can handle her, both physically & mentally. clea has a strong preference for dominant/submissive (d/s) relationships, particularly with men.

› with women: she is more fluid in power dynamics, often taking the dominant role herself. however, she enjoys mutual exploration & playful exchanges of control.

boundaries: › her submission is willing & selective — she does not tolerate cruelty, degradation, or disrespect. › she enjoys dominance, but only in a way that feels desirable & exciting, not demeaning or forced. › if a partner mistakes her submission for weakness or tries to control her beyond the bedroom, she will end things immediately.

sexual preferences & turn-ons: › clea thrives on intensity, passion, & sensory-driven experiences. › anticipation & teasing are major turn-ons — she enjoys being made to wait, wanting something just out of reach. › verbal dominance & praise excite her — she enjoys being told what to do, but only when it feels natural & well-earned. › she prefers strong, confident handling — a man who knows how to take control with purpose & skill, rather than someone hesitant or overly delicate. › power dynamics intrigue her — the contrast of strength & submission, of control & surrender, makes the experience more exciting. › she enjoys restraint, guiding hands, & assertive physicality, but only when she trusts the partner.

dislikes & boundaries: › she has zero tolerance for humiliation, degradation, or cruelty. › weak, indecisive, or insecure men are entirely unattractive to her — she has no interest in partners who need to be reassured of their own dominance.

casual encounters: › she is comfortable with one-night stands, affairs, & purely physical relationships, as long as they meet her standards. › selectivity is key — she does not sleep with just anyone. power, confidence, & a sense of intrigue are non-negotiable. › women are more of a rare indulgence, whereas men are her primary sexual preference. › if a partner tries to become emotionally demanding or crosses boundaries, she will cut them off without hesitation.

#pearls & power & quiet wars | headcanons ♡#usfw /#hey why was this so long

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legalconsultancy · 2 years ago

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Navigating FSSAI Basic Registration: Essential Guide for Start-ups

Introduction

In the dynamic landscape of India's food industry, ensuring the safety and quality of consumables is paramount. The Food Safety and Standards Authority of India (FSSAI) plays a pivotal role in upholding these standards. The FSSAI Basic License, a fundamental component of this regulatory framework, extends its reach to small and medium-sized food businesses. This license serves as a crucial gateway for businesses to operate legally while adhering to prescribed food safety norms.

The FSSAI Basic License empowers businesses with limited operations and turnovers to maintain the integrity of their products, instilling consumer confidence and promoting public health. By obtaining this license, businesses validate their commitment to hygiene, traceability, and accountability in their operations. This introduction outlines the significance of the FSSAI Basic License, encapsulating its benefits, prerequisites, application process, and its role in elevating the food industry's overall safety standards.

What is FSSAI Basic Registration and who needs it?

FSSAI Basic Registration is a mandatory requirement for all food businesses in India that fall under the category of small-scale operations. This includes businesses such as small eateries, street food vendors, food stalls, and other similar establishments. Basic Registration is intended for businesses with an annual turnover not exceeding Rs. 12 lakhs. It's a fundamental step to ensure food safety and quality standards are maintained even at the grassroots level of the food industry.

Advantages of obtaining a Basic FSSAI License for your food business:-

Obtaining a Basic FSSAI License offers several benefits, including:

Legal Compliance: It ensures that your business operates within the framework of food safety laws and regulations.

Consumer Trust: The FSSAI logo on your products or premises enhances consumer confidence in the quality and safety of your offerings.

Business Reputation: Compliance with FSSAI regulations can improve your business's reputation and competitiveness in the market.

Avoiding Penalties: Operating without a valid license can lead to penalties and legal issues, which can be avoided with proper registration.

Documents:-

For Basic FSSAI Registration, you'll need to provide the following documents:

a. Identity proof of the proprietor/partner/director(s)

b. Address proof of the business premises

c. Passport-sized photographs of the proprietor/partner/director(s)

d. Proof of turnover (self-declaration)

e. A declaration of food safety management plan

f. Copy of the rental agreement or NOC from the landlord (if applicable)

FSSAI registration process for the basic category:-

The FSSAI basic registration process for the basic category involves the following steps:

Visit the FSSAI official website and create an account.

Fill out the Basic Registration form with accurate details of your food business.

Upload the required documents, including identity and address proofs.

Submit the application along with the necessary fees.

Once the application is verified, the FSSAI will issue a Basic FSSAI License.

What are some pitfalls that can lead to rejection or delays in the registration process?

Common pitfalls include:

Incorrect or incomplete information in the application form.

Improperly uploaded or missing documents.

Inaccurate details about the nature of the food business.

Non-compliance with food safety standards.

Failure to pay the necessary fees.

What is the average processing time for Basic FSSAI Registration?

The average processing time for Basic FSSAI Registration can vary, but it typically takes around 7 to 15 days from the date of application submission. However, this timeline might change based on the accuracy of your application and the workload of the FSSAI authorities.

Conclusion

In conclusion, obtaining Basic FSSAI Registration is a crucial step for small food businesses to ensure legal compliance, build consumer trust, and enhance their market reputation. By following the correct procedures and providing accurate information and documents, businesses can smoothly navigate the registration process and contribute to the overall safety of the food industry.

#basic fssai license #FSSAI basic registration documents #basic registration FSSAI #FSSAI basic registration process

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ikft · 1 year ago

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I'll admit I love dom!Mike sub!Harvey but it also seems OOC AF!! I kind of just enjoy it and don't think too hard about it. I like it because what annoys me so much about D/S stories in general is the persistent need to make the submissive male character a little girl. I feel like the nature of Harvey's character helps prevent people from doing that, because it is so difficult to see them that way so I end up with a D/S that is a bit more relatable to me. Whereas I feel like with sub!Mike the dynamic is already there so people just go off the deep end escalating it. But it still doesn't really "work" characterization-wise, I think Mike has the care and concern of a great dom but not the confidence. In the later seasons, I feel like Harvey was self-subbing a bit. You can tell the stress of being the person everyone relies on is getting to him, he's overwhelmed. Still ... I can't quite see him having the self-awareness to know that a little harmless play and letting someone else have control could be good for him. I mean, the man needs Donna to swing into his office and explain the most basic feelings to him. I don't see him getting there. Kink people in general are very emotionally intelligent.

The only scenario where I could somewhat see it is as an outlet for Harvey's guilt and shame over Mike going to prison. He did pick a fight with him because Mike hitting him was going to make him feel better, after all. I can see him processing those feelings through submission... maybe. But unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing Mike enjoying any part of that. Mike wouldn't see it as something that brings Harvey relief. He would see it as his idol and source of validation being ripped down.

But sub!Harvey to Donna or Jessica? 100% could see it.

This is kinda random and pointless but I'm never normally the type of person to be like "oh Character A HAS to be the dom and Character B HAS to be the sub!!!" but I just Can't do that with Marvey lol. Like in every other fandom I've been in I couldnt care less who had what role (even though I had a preferance obv) but i have such a hard time reading dom!mike and sub!harvey especially if its before s4/5. I've always loved the trope where the Big Bad Powerful Person™ who has to lead and do everything gets to let go and not have to think at home but I just can't see it with them and it's frustrating cuz I can't enjoy sub!harvey fics as much and I want to.

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b-and-willie · 6 years ago

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Self-Validation(or inability) and It’s Affects on our Dynamic

Life is funny you know? People, things, circumstances, even thoughts have a way of finding you in the most unlikely way - sometimes the timing is actually good too! Take abby and my joint writing venture : AT The Heart of It

We decided that we'd like to take a stab at writing about the same subject to discover things about ourselves. either where we struggle or how we have grown and perhaps why. The idea of At The Heart of It originated because often we think we are going to talk about one thing and end up discovering what the heart of it really is to us while digging deeper. I doubt we will be doing a weekly prompt type idea- we want to find the right question for us and give it the attention it requires. Who are we kidding we are wordy writers, once and a while will be enough for all involved- writers AND readers!

So without further adieu today's subject: Self Validation/ Love of Self ( Didn't want to get you all excited thinking about Self Love *wink*).

( click here for abby's post)

(Blondie decided to Join in too!)

The Affects of Self Validation On Our Dynamic

Our son is becoming an amazing artist, but that is not his gift. He has been gifted with determination. When he first stepped foot on the path he is walking, he faced some very harsh news regarding his first portfolio attempt. Whether it was his passion, his determination or both, he picked himself up, reexamined his work, where he was placing his focus and set to make it right, despite his critic's suggestions he take another route. He didn't get accepted into his first choice college, which ended up to be a Godsend as his second choice was more suited to his style and area of talent strength in the long run. He was still over the moon to be living what he loved.

I can draw, but I never developed my talent like he did. I tell others that 'back then, it wasn't as encouraged', but the truth of it is, I didn't believe in myself as he does himself. He isn't arrogant, selfish or delusional- he's driven and confident in his future abilities even if they are buried at the moment.

I often joke that we have no idea where that comes from. Although if I examine his drive in comparison to how I am with in our dynamic, I know precisely where he got it from. Once I discovered who I really was, my passion/obsession, and determination became focused on maintaining that woman. Unfortunately over time, maintaining turned to protecting, which ultimately changed to questioning Being a submissive does involve a lot of interpersonal development, but it also requires exchange at times with the same intensity on the opposite side of 'the slash'. ( Perhaps a post topic for another time)

Self validation is an interesting phrase to me. Others may prefer " acceptance of self " or " love of self" and while I have read those and similar phrases over the years, self validation struck a cord in me. Perhaps it was timing or the source. I began to read about external and internal validation with great interest. External validation concerning my submission is actually not difficult to come by- It is wonderful to be seen by friends isn't it?

But what about those times when you are alone? Those times your friends are not available. Those times when your significant other is busy, distracted, on a different D/s plain or God forbid, STRUGGLING? This would be the time self validation should be there to draw on.

Once upon a time I was able to turn to myself and my acceptance of my inner voice. Life might not have been great around me, but my part in my life, in my skin was. Looking back I wonder how much of that self validation was initiated from within or whether it was more based on external sources. Does it even matter some may wonder?

In my case I think it does. For if I was so as well equipped in self validation back then I as I thought I was, where has that perspective gone?

So what exactly does this have to do with our dynamic? I am coming to believe that perhaps I confused approval with acceptance. I gained approval of self by B agreeing to ttwd. This lead the way for me to feel accepted and thus accepting myself. But perhaps. while a necessary step to growth, I stopped too short and have yet to determine the depth required to own my self validation, guilt free.

If I return back to the thinking about our son, nothing these people in the business told him (negatively) deterred him. He held true to his dream regardless. His determination is commendable but his ability to see himself and draw from that is nothing short of miraculous, especially given his young age. Yes he turns to us at times when he is struggling, to hear what he already knows. He takes our hand to help him back to the path he has constructed mostly on his own.

And what of his mother? She currently is not as brave. Digging deep seems to not do much more than churn up waters, clouding my judgment concerning myself. I tend to see myself no problem, when I am alone. However the minute I am with B now I blow out that beacon of light.

My Submissive Heartset tends to be shrouded in things that have been said, doubt, comparison, what ifs, if onlys...The issue should not be that I have experienced negativity or perceived it at times. The issue then becomes " accept yourself" . Stop looking at others to fill that void. Fill the void yourself and use that area to stand up and shout, " This is Me! I am not perfect, I don't love all aspects of me, but I DO love me!".

Instead I close up. I project that I am no longer vulnerable. I can do without this. It isn't important. You didn't hurt me. I don't feel rejected for me. ( The interesting notion is that closing up or shutting down is not being vulnerable. When in reality is merely a 'bid' for someone to notice the internal shift with an external clue). Mentally I degrade my submission, my need. I tell myself that my past reality might not have been truths and that current realities are the truth that has always been.

I was reading the other day how often when we fail to self validate we punish ourselves. When "we reject.. ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves." Lori Deschenel. I am familiar with this. I discovered what is currently "At the Heart of It" is I am creating a force field and pushing B away in the hopes of not feeling too deeply - thus creating exactly what I don't want. I am also not being true to myself and that makes me fearful, miserable and not able to self validate because I am outwardly projecting the complete opposite of who I truly am at times.

If B was in a rut before, ( he's still here let's just say we are on different D/s plains at the moment), I have placed my foot on the gas to make sure those wheels are spinning at high speed digging us deeper.

I used to be able to shake it off more easily. ' He will come around. I know who I am- regardless of what he does.' I still know who I am..I just seem to have a more difficult time allowing her out. And if I am too afraid to see her, how is he ever going to? I have realized how I project myself in our dynamic is directly affected by my ability to self validate. Without that anchor of deep self acceptance from within, the D/s foundation I build with B is shaky at best.

I should probably take time to say that this isn't meant to be a 'woe is willie' post or even an advice seeking one. LOL. I just wanted to get to the heart of the matter as to why perhaps I am not feeling my submission as deeply as I once was, and how my perception of self can get in the way. Don't you worry, I'll get my sh*t together soon enough *wink*

***

I could go on to explain ways to self validate, but there is tons on that via the web ( try tinybuddha.comhttps://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/)

As an aside- I found this and it really spoke to me so I thought I'd share :

" As we go through personal developmental changes, our intimacy need is also changed from a sheer need for protection and approval to the need for being fully understood and connected emotionally and spiritually. When the people very close to us fail to meet such a higher need, we experience the lack of spiritual self-validation. Sometimes we exaggerate minor incidents through selective perception and self-critical reasoning into crisis situations, and fail to value our self-worth and competence.

Various psychological processes take place when we are in these situations. We feel denied access to the right to be and the right to feel at such moments. We feel as if a part in us is slowly dying in pain. We start doubting our self-worth, and losing confidence and self-respect. Our self-identity gets shaken, and we become unsure of who we are and what we are. We lose sight of the meaning of life and become hopeless and directionless. "(Trumpeter (1993)

ISSN: 0832-6193

On Self-Validation

F. Ishu Ishiyama

University of British Columbia)

#submission self validation D/s #Attheheartofit self acceptance

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demonsandco · 4 years ago

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Smut Alphabet - Lucifer

All the letters for Luci have been answered now, so here's a post compiling them all together!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

When he’s the one in charge, Luci acts like the king of aftercare. As much as he loves seeing his partner fall apart, he always makes sure to put them back together in the end. His go to thing is running a hot bath for his partner, letting him clean them up while also giving him a reason to hold them close and relax for once. After the bath, he’s pretty much at their beck and call, willing to run out and get them anything they need until they're ready to go to bed. It’s one of the only times when Luci won’t put up a fight about going to bed at a decent hour, instead opting to snuggle under the covers and pulling his partner close to his chest.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

For a long while, Lucifer’s favorite parts of him were his wings, but now they carry too many memories for him to view them with the same light. Now, his favorite body part would be his hands. He has long fingers and a firm grip, perfect for grabbing his partner’s wrists with one hand and pinning them down.

When it comes to his partner, Lucifer’s favorite body part of theirs is their neck. It’s such a vulnerable part of their body and it’s his favorite place to leave marks. It’s a trust thing for him, as well as something that makes him feel powerful. Knowing that he could kill them in a second with his sharp teeth pressed to their throat, yet they trust him not to hurt them excites him to no end.

(cont under the cut)

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Lucifer cums a pretty average amount, but he can do so quite a few times in a row. His favorite place to cum is in his S/O’s mouth or on their face. Marking them in such a way feeds into his pride, and he can’t help but admire how wonderful they look covered on his seed. He would never force them to swallow it when he does this, but if they choose to, he is left feeling awed and even hornier than before.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Lucifer is more than prepared to take this secret to his grave, but he has, on more than one occasion, fantasised about having a pact master use their pact with him during sex, with consent of course. It’s the idea of trusting his partner to the point where he puts his life in their hands and gives them complete control that gets to him. He’d be able to just lay back and stop thinking for once, while they use him however they see fit, without him needing to make a single decision. If his actual S/O ever suggests something like that, he’d be overjoyed internally, but he plays it off as simply playing along with their idea. He refuses to let anyone know how much he enjoys the thought because of how embarrassing he finds it.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Lucifer has quite a bit of experience, but only when it comes to sex involving BDSM dynamics. He doesn’t mind hooking up with someone if he has the option to have complete control for the night. The type of sex he’s used to is very much lacking in emotional connection. He’s left feeling a bit unsure of himself when it comes to more vanilla sex, being the submissive one, or just sex that involves emotions. He knows what he likes and he’s very skilled in the physical aspect, it just takes him a bit of time to get into the flow of things with a partner that he actually cares about. Especially when emotions are involved. He desperately wants his partner to know how much they mean to him, but he’s not quite sure how to translate his emotions into actions from the very start.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Lucifer’s favorite position is surprisingly vanilla in nature. Call him old fashioned or cliché, but he’s very fond of the missionary position. It doesn’t matter to him who’s on the top and who’s on the bottom, he’s fine with filling either role. He enjoys the closeness that it offers, pressing his chest against his partner’s and feeling each time they take a breath. Plus it offers so much versatility! He’s in the perfect place to kiss his partner as much as he wants, but he can also bury his face in their neck, leaving kisses and love bites, while also muffling his moans.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Lucifer very much prefers to take things seriously. He likes keeping the mood sensual and heated, and goofiness gets in the way of that. Some playfulness or teasing is perfectly fine, and even encouraged by him, but outright humor or jokes is something he’d rather avoid. If his partner insists on being humorous, he’d see it as them being bratty, and won’t hesitate to gag or punish them if they don’t listen to his warnings. It makes for a very easy way to rile him up, if that’s what they’re looking to do. His only focus in the moment is their pleasure (or pain) and his behavior reflects that.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

As with anything to do with his appearance, Lucifer takes meticulous care of his body hair. He constantly keeps it trimmed and short, even if he doesn’t have a partner who would be seeing it at the time. He’s prideful of how he looks and puts a lot of time into looking well put together in all aspects, even if no one will see it. He has a nice amount of body hair in general, though, his pubes leading up into a thin happy trail and a light dusting of hair over his chest. It’s all black in colour, just like the base of his hair.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Surprisingly, Lucifer is very intimate in the moment. He considers sex itself to be an intimate and romantic activity. He needs to trust his partner quite a bit to feel comfortable letting them see him in such a potentially vulnerable position and that really shows. Even if he’s acting rough and dominating, he still can’t help but let a bit of softness and love seep into his words and actions. It’s one of the only times where he can voice his emotions easily, without his pride getting in the way.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Despite having a very high libido, Lucifer rarely takes the time to take care of his needs. He usually puts it off in favor of working, until he suddenly realises just how long it's been, and how needy he feels. It leaves him feeling so pent up and tense, not to mention unbearably sensitive, but getting himself off just doesn’t leave him feeling satisfied enough to be worth the time. He would much rather get off with a partner than on his own, and he’s willing to stay all worked up until then.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

This comes as a surprise to no one, but Lucifer loves bondage. Having his partner tied, watching them wiggle helplessly, unable to escape his touch, never fails to excite him and make his heart race. However, not only does Lucifer enjoy tying up his partner, he also loves to be the one getting tied up. The feel of tight ropes biting into his skin as he squirms under their gaze sends blood rushing straight to his dick. Especially when he thinks about how much trust he’s putting in them. He’s leaving himself open and helpless, yet he knows that they’ll never do anything he genuinely dislikes, just as he would never do that to them

On a similar note, Lucifer is also very fond of temperature play, especially when combined with bondage or even sensory deprivation. He likes the subtle blend of pain and pleasure that comes with it, alongside the anticipation of not knowing which will come next. He could spend hours teasing his partner like this, watching their reactions and listening to their cries. Of course, he’ll also let them return the favor, tying him up and teasing his senses with ice cubes and hot wax. He’ll hold in his reactions for as long as possible, and it’s hard to break him, but if they know where to target, they’ll have him begging soon enough. The span of his back, as well as his thighs are extra sensitive and dripping wax across his spine while sliding some ice over his inner thighs will leave him desperate and begging in no time.

Unsurprisingly, the Avatar of Pride has a huge praise kink. Lucifer craves praise from his partner, enjoying the feeling of pride coursing through his body when his partner tells him how good he feels and how well behaved he is. He strives to please them as much as he can, and the validation that he’s a good boy sends pleasure coursing through him. Of course, Lucifer also gets pleasure out of giving his partner praise, too, when he’s the one in charge. He wants them to know how proud he is of them when they’re being good.

On the opposite hand, Lucifer gets a weird amount of pleasure out of being humiliated. He isn’t fond of humiliating his S/O, being humiliated? Having a mere human exert that much power over him? It excites him to no end and he can’t explain why. If they treat him like he’s a lesser being, spit in his mouth, step on his cock, anything like that, Lucifer finds himself cumming so embarrassingly quick. He has to be in a specific headspace to enjoy it, but when he is, having his pride crushed in such a way feels like such a thrill.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Lucifer is a very private man and refuses to risk being caught in the act. The riskiest he’ll get is his office, but more often than not, it’s going to take place in his room. He prefers to take his time with his partner anyway, and that's much easier to accomplish on a comfortable bed, rather than somewhere else. He has more than enough self control to avoid doing anything too sensual outside of his room, where he feels safe.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

He’ll never admit it, but seeing his s/o acting bold or taking charge never fails to excite him. It makes his mind wander and Lucifer can’t help but imagine them acting that way towards him, disregarding his rank and power and taking control of him. He’s almost ashamed of having such fantasies, but that just serves to excite him further.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Exhibitionism of any level is a big no for Lucifer. He has a hard enough time showing regular affection in public, and anything even remotely sexual in nature crosses his limits. He considers what he shares with his partner to be very personal and vulnerable and he refuses to have anyone else see him in such a state. He’s also not fond of anyone having a chance to see his partner in a disheveled state. In his mind, their body and reactions are for his eyes only. No one else even comes close to deserving to see them like that.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Lucifer very much prefers giving oral over receiving, and he’s damn good at it, too. He loves the amount of power it gives him, allowing him to control exactly how much pleasure he’s giving his partner. He knows exactly how to use his mouth to get specific responses from them. He’s also a quick learner and adapts to his partner’s preferences very fast.

While Lucifer doesn’t hate being on the receiving end, it takes some time for him to be open to the idea. Letting his partner have so much control over his pleasure leaves him feeling vulnerable and he has a harder time controlling his reactions. It takes every ounce of control he has not to grab the back of their head and set the pace himself, but he finds that it’s more worth it in the end to give them complete control.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Lucifer’s pace heavily depends on the mood of the night. If both he and his partner are stressed and need some relief, he’s more than happy to go hard and rough. He does enjoy taking his time, though, and if his schedule allows it, he’d much rather keep things sensual and slow. Intimacy is a very important part of sex for him, and a fast pace feels like it brings things to an end too quickly for him to fully enjoy it all the time, but he still likes the roughness of it. Regardless of who’s in control of the pace, he enjoys it best when there’s a healthy balance, starting out hard and fast, before gradually slowing down and letting some romance seep in, only to speed up once again as he and his partner get close to finishing.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Lucifer is a very busy demon, meaning that sometimes all he has time for is a quickie, but that doesn’t mean he likes them. When he’s with his partner, he wants to be able to take his time with them, keep a slow and sensual pace, but he often can’t find the time for it. He always thinks a quickie would be better than nothing, but they often just leave him feeling even more pent up and desperate.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Lucifer isn’t the most open person when it comes to experimentation. Mostly because he’s already had experience with many kinks throughout his long life, and he feels that he’s got a very good idea of what he’s into. There are very few things his partner could suggest that he either isn’t completely against or that he hasn’t already tried. If they do manage to find something that he’s unsure of yet, he’s more than happy to try it out for them, as long as it’s in a controlled environment. His partner has a much higher chance of getting him to experience something new if he’s the submissive one for the night. Chances are he’ll end up enjoying it, even if he was a bit unsure at first. He thrives off of pleasing his s/o and they’ll quickly find that he has very few limits.

Lucifer is very fond of everything being safe and controlled, regardless of who is in charge for the night. He outright refuses to do anything he’d consider obscene anywhere that someone else could walk into. He wants anything that happens to stay between him and his partner, and his not a fan of risking that in any way.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Lucifer has quite a lot of stamina, when he's not exhausted and overworked, at least. He's not exaggerating when he says he'll keep his partner busy all night long. He can take a few more rounds than the average human, but they last for ages. He's skilled at holding off his own orgasms, capable of making his partner cum on his cock a couple times at least, before finally letting go himself. He uses this to his advantage often, wanting to make sure he completely satisfies them before reaching his own peak.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Lucifer has a rather impressive collection of toys, or perhaps tools would be more accurate. He doesn't own anything like dildos or vibrators, but he has everything from different styles of restraints, to paddles, to whips. He has no qualms using some of the… less extreme tools in his collection on his partner, and he's not opposed to adding some more commonly seen sex toys to the mix, as well. If they show interest, he's more than happy to switch roles and lend them his tools, but he greatly prefers the feel of his partner's body, rather than a plastic toy.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Lucifer is a huge fan of teasing his partner, but he’s very easily swayed by begging. He could genuinely spend hours teasing them and finding new ways to make them react, but as soon as they beg him for more, he loses all semblance of patience and control. Hearing his partner beg feeds straight into his pride, and he’s always weak when it comes to their wants and needs.

Lucifer himself is rather fun to tease as well. It may not be his favorite thing, but he enjoys it from time to time. It takes a lot of practice and patience to actually break him, though, but it’s more than worth it in the end. What’s better than seeing the Avatar of Pride crying and groveling, pleading for his partner to let him cum?

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Lucifer purposefully keeps himself quiet, doing his best to avoid making any sort of embarrassing noises. It works pretty well for him at first, the most that’s coming out of his mouth being soft gasps or groans from behind his clenched teeth, but the closer he gets, the less controlled his voice becomes, letting sweet, delicate moans slip out. He’s still not the type of person to be extra loud or talkative, but it’s not uncommon to hear soft words of praise in between the whiny noises he can’t seem to silence anymore.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Despite the sadistic and domineering persona he puts on, most of the time, Lucifer actually prefers to be the submissive one. He spends every waking moment of his life feeling like he needs to be in control and trying to take care of everything, that what he really craves is to just lay back and have someone else take the reins. It takes a huge amount of trust for Lucifer to admit this, but once he does, he’s willing to let his partner do whatever they want to him.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Lucifer's dick is an impressive sight, but isn't too intimidating. He has a lot of length, more than the average human, and just enough girth to provide a stretch, without requiring extensive prepping. His skin flushes easily, making his a cock a pretty pink colour when he's hard. The thing that stands out the most, though, is that he has piercings down there. There's three to be exact, all lined up on the underside of his cock, forming a Jacob's ladder. They match the nipple piercings that he also keeps hidden under his clothes.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Lucifer’s sex drive is pretty high compared to the average human, but it really isn’t very high for a demon. He’s always so pent up, however, that you’d never be able to tell that. He’s always busy, and when he does have time to spend with his S/O, he wants to do something romantic with them first, constantly pushing aside his need in favor of something else. By the time he’s finally alone and in the mood with them, he's so desperate and sensitive that he comes across as constantly horny, when he’s actually just denying himself until he can’t handle it anymore.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Lucifer has a horrible sleep schedule and struggles to get some rest even when he’s tired. The chances of him falling asleep before his partner are extremely low, even if they wore him out. Even if he doesn’t have any work he feels pressured to finish, chances are that once he finishes taking care of his partner, he’s still going to stay up. He’ll stay in bed if they ask him to, but he’ll find something to read or put on some soft music to keep him busy for a few hours, until he finally feels like he can rest.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me smut #obey me lucifer #obey me headcanons #smut alphabet #lime time #some of these were answered a long time ago #and looking back on them was painful hhhh #i still agree with the headcanons themselves #but fuck i hate how i wrote it #so some of these are edited a bit

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hauntedselves · 2 years ago

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Passive-Aggressive / Negativistic (PA/NegPD)

Note: You cannot be diagnosed with this disorder, as it's not in any diagnostic manual; you would be diagnosed with Other Specified Personality Disorder instead.

Criteria from the DSM-IV-TR (2000):

A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks

complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others

is sullen and argumentative

unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority

expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate

voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune

alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

Millon's subtypes:

(Millon, ed.).

About PA/NegPD

PA/NegPD is similar to histrionic, dependent, avoidant, depressive, borderline, antisocial, paranoid, masochistic, obsessive-compulsive and narcissistic PDs. It's part of what Millon & Bloom term the "Aggressive Personality Patterns", along with AsPD, NPD, & Sadistic PD.

Renamed Negativistic PD in the DSM-IV; Millon suggested renaming it “oppositional personality disorder” (Lane).

Differential diagnoses include mood disorders, anxiety disorders, somatic disorders, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Many children who are diagnosed with ODD will develop PA/NegPD (Millon).

The most common PD comorbidities with PA/NegPD are AvPD (22.78%), AsPD (22.64%), & Sadistic PD (15.36%). The least common was OCPD (0.94%). Less than 1 percent (0.81%) had only ("pure") PA/NEGPD [less than those who had comorbid OCPD] (Millon & Bloom).

Millon defines it on a spectrum from sceptical -> negativistic (Millon Personality Group); or alternatively from discontented [personality type] -> resentful [style] -> negativistic [disorder] (Millon).

In the first DSM, it “... consisted of three subtypes - passive-dependent type who are helpless, overly dependent, and indecisive; passive-aggressive type who express their aggressiveness through passive means like pouting, procrastination, and intentional inefficiency; and the aggressive subtype who react to frustration with irritability, temper tantrums, and overt destructive behaviours” (Coolidge & Segal).

In the DSM-II it was described as being “characterized by passivity and aggression through obstinate behavior, procrastination, stubbornness, and intentional inefficiency” (Coolidge & Segal).

The DSM focuses on its overt/external behaviours and therefore miss its "cardinal qualities"; "underlying the behavior characterizing this personality pattern are profound confusion and ambivalence about self", similar to OCPD but with different coping strategies (Millon & Bloom)

It was a Cluster C PD, but in the DSM-IV & IV-TR it was moved to the Conditions for Further Study section “[d]ue to poor reliability and questionable validity and usefulness” (Coolidge & Segal). It wasn't included in any capacity in later editions.

PA/NegPD has a long history of ‘questionable validity’, as it originated in US military documents about reluctant soldiers during WWII, and continued throughout its history in the various DSMs to have criteria that could theoretically apply to anyone (e.g. dissatisfaction with their job or “personal misfortunes”, feeling misunderstood or unappreciated, complaining too much, etc.) (Lane).

However, Millon says “[s]uch thoughts are normal, but they represent what negativists feel most of the time. To them, every request or expectation feels like a willful imposition. Meeting requests or honoring expectations feels like submission, and meeting demands feels like humiliation” (Millon, ed.).

References

Coolidge, Frederick L., & Segal, Daniel L., ‘Evolution of Personality Disorder Diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’, Clinical Psychology Review, 1998, vol. 18, no. 5, pp. 585-599.

Lane, Christopher, ‘The Surprising History of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder’, Theory & Psychology, 2009, vol. 19, no. 1, pp. 55-70.

Millon, Theodore, & Bloom, Caryl, The Millon Inventories, 2008.

Millon, Theodore, Disorders of Personality, 2011.

Millon, Theodore, ed., Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2004.

'Skeptical / Negativistic Personality', Millon Personality Group, 2015, https://www.millonpersonality.com/theory/diagnostic-taxonomy/negativistic.htm.

#ah yes the anticapitalist/conscientious dissenter disorder!#reading lane's article should be 101 for anyone interested in psych [/DSM] criticism #passive aggressive personality disorder #negativistic personality disorder #personality disorders #pd info #long post #dogpost #cluster c #described #described in alt text #other specified personality disorder #ospd #dsm-iv #dsm-iv-tr #dsm iv #dsm iv tr

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amysubmits · 2 years ago

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Hello! ^^

I've been quietly following your page for awhile and I love your content, i was wondering if i could ask some advice...

I had to break up with my very first (now ex) daddy today, just a couple hours ago, and to say my heart is absolutely shattered is an understatement.

I didn't want to... i desperately wanted to keep things going because he was so wonderful and kind and caring, but my needs were different from his and he admitted he couldn't provide what i needed and it was better if we went our separate ways.

How does a sub get over this kind of thing? I feel so lost.

Hello :)

I am sorry that your heart is shattered. That sounds so difficult. I hope you're able to recognize how powerful it is that you've stepped away from a relationship that wasn't meeting your needs even though a big part of you didn't want to leave. It's such an incredibly healthy thing to do that to take care of yourself even though it's so hard. So many people try to cling to relationships that don't meet their needs and that just isn't very healthy to do longterm. So I hope you're proud of yourself for taking good care of yourself. <3

The main resource that I know to suggest is linked below. I share this one because in the past I've seen multiple subs say this resource was really helpful to them.

I think heartache usually takes time as much as anything else, and focusing on taking care of yourself and finding ways to bring happiness in your life through friends, hobbies, or other ways of 'finding purpose' seem like a good route to take.

I've seen some subs say that when single, they like thinking about self-care as something they're doing in honor of a future dom, and they find some meaning in self-care feeling submissive while single as a result. If that idea appeals to you, you might try on that perspective. I've seen other subs say that perspective just really doesn't work for them, and when they aren't with someone, they just have to see themselves as unable to submit for a time. And that's valid too. I assume it may just be a matter of figuring out what works best for you, personally. And that might take some trial and error.

I saw that @cherishedproperty answered an ask on this topic this morning, and so my first guess would be that was you, and you already will be checking out her answer. But on the off chance that it wasn't you and her ask was just a coincidence, I'd suggest that you go to her blog to find that ask because she has experience with D/s breakups and being a single sub, and gave a better answer than I can, not having been in that situation. She also pointed to some resources that you should find helpful.

Best of luck to you! And again, great job of taking care of yourself. Seriously such a good thing. <3

#asks #d/s

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thesubswhisper · 2 months ago

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Sub Frenzy: The Dangerous Rush into Submission

hey anonymous got another long one for you❤️

When I first stepped into the BDSM lifestyle, I was eager, excited, and full of hope. I thought I would find the perfect Dominant—someone to mentor, guide, and claim me. But what I found instead was a sea of pic collectors, manipulators, and so-called “Doms” who had no business holding that title. Looking back, I now recognize that I was deep in sub frenzy. And the worst part? I didn’t even know it.

If you’re new to submission, or even if you’ve been in the lifestyle for a while, you might be experiencing something similar. Sub frenzy is real, and it’s dangerous. Understanding it can mean the difference between finding a healthy dynamic and falling into the hands of someone who will take advantage of your eagerness.

What Is Sub Frenzy? 🫨

Sub frenzy is an overwhelming, almost obsessive desire to submit. It happens most often to new subs, but even experienced ones can go through it after a long break or a shift in their dynamic. It’s the intense, almost desperate need to belong to someone, to be claimed, to prove yourself as a “good sub.”

It’s not just about wanting a Dom—it’s about wanting one right now. And that urgency can make you blind to red flags, push you into unsafe situations, and leave you vulnerable to the wrong people.

🐝Looking back, I see the signs so clearly,

and maybe you’ll recognize them too

Signs of Sub Frenzy ⚔️🔥

✨ The Need to Prove Yourself – You bend over backward to show you’re a “good sub,” even when it’s at your own expense.

✨ Sexualizing Submission – Instead of understanding your own limits, you push past them just to please, without questioning if you’re comfortable.

✨ Ignoring Red Flags – You see warning signs, but you excuse them because “they’re a Dominant, they should know better, right?”

✨ Over-Giving Without Receiving – You pour everything into a dynamic, hoping that if you give more, they’ll finally see your worth. But the attention, validation, and care you crave never really come.

✨ Feeling Emotionally Drained – Instead of feeling fulfilled, you’re constantly anxious, waiting for your Dom’s approval or attention.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many subs, including myself, have gone through it.

🍌

Why Is Sub Frenzy Harmful?😔

Sub frenzy doesn’t just set you up for heartbreak—it can put you in serious danger. When you’re in this mindset, you’re more likely to:

✨ Fall for unqualified or abusive “Doms.”

✨ Ignore your own boundaries and push yourself into unsafe situations.

✨ Mistake intensity for compatibility.

✨ End up emotionally drained or even traumatized.

It also messes with your understanding of what a healthy D/s dynamic should look like. If your first experiences are with the wrong kind of Dom, you might start believing that’s just how submission is. But submission should never be about desperation—it should be about trust, self-awareness, and mutual respect.

🍌

How to Navigate Sub Frenzy😮‍💨

So how do you pull yourself out of sub frenzy and make sure you’re entering dynamics safely?

1. Slow Down. ✋

Submission isn’t a race. A good Dominant will never rush you, and if someone is, that’s already a red flag.

2. Self-Check. ☑️

Before you submit to someone, ask yourself why you’re drawn to them. Is it because they make you feel safe, or just because they’re giving you attention?

3. Vetting is Key. 🔑

Don’t just take someone’s word that they’re a Dom. Ask about their experience, references, and values.

4. Prioritize Your Growth. 🔥❤️

A dynamic should complement who you already are, not fill a void or define you. Take time to learn about yourself outside of submission.

5. Seek Guidance.💯

Talk to experienced subs and Dom/mes who understand the lifestyle and can help you navigate this phase safely.

🍌

Final Thoughts From A Former Submissive 💭

Sub frenzy is real, and if you’re experiencing it, know that you’re not alone. It’s not weakness, and it doesn’t mean you’re not meant for this lifestyle—it just means you need to step back and be mindful of your choices.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Have you gone through sub frenzy? How did you handle it? Let’s open the conversation so more people can recognize it and navigate it safely.

Drop a comment, share your story, or reach out if you need guidance. Let’s build a community where new subs don’t have to learn the hard way. ❤️‍🩹

#bd/sm community #bd/sm relationship #gentle domination #bd/sm lifestyle #bd/sm blog #bd/sm brat #bd/sm pet #soft cnc #bd/sm babygirl #rough cnc #feeling dommy #bd/sm domme #frenzy #subby men #sub puppy

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woahitslucyylu · 5 years ago

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NSFW Alphabet - Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens

Author’s Notes: A few days late, but here it is. I write my alphabets as if I am talking to my frands (which I am), so enjoy it, loves!

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A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Don’t expect much if it’s casual - you knew what it was when he was two fingers deep in the Uber. He will be polite, cordial, and a decent host, but don’t expect to lay up. He will absolutely ask you for your number, because he loves options, and is generous to his friends - passing along recommendations of girls worth remembering, buttttttttt, frand, if he loves you…

You. Are. A. Motherfucking. Princess.

He will shower you with cum and cuddles and then leave you to soak in the jacuzzi tub while he rubs your shoulders. He’s a Daddy, so he’s going to take care of you in all aspects after an intense session.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Erik’s favorite body part is his face. His smirk is predatory. A glinting gold-fanged smile leaves a lasting impression.

On his partner, he loves thick - here, there, and everywhere. Big boobs, fat ass, thick thighs - love, love, love; whether it is one or all. Erik is a hunk - muscles for days, and he will easily handle allllll you have to offer.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum)

Anywhere you let him?

He’s a freak, so it’s been all over your body. His favorites though are in you and your face. He is really into ownership and dominance, and when he has you in the most vulnerable positions, that’s when he gets off the most.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He lost his virginity late - 17, a week before his senior year of high school started. A girl three blocks down from the corner store in his hood. She stayed with her grandma and he had to sneak in through the window. He didn’t start fucking until college and well, those scars are from killing pussies too. Meme

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s for the streets, unless you’re the real deal. Erik is incredibly loyal, because he expects it from you - a true ride or die. If he’s not in a relationship though, well, he’s running trains.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

Back shots are his go-to. Watching your ass bounce against his chiseled hips, your lips stretching over him as he glistens from you will have his eyes hooded as he grips your hair reminding you to be a good girl.

Sliding behind you while you do your make-up, hair in a bonnet leaves you late at least twice a week. He presses his dick into your ass as his hands cup your breasts through your chenille robe.

“Just the tip, ma. Just let me feel you.” Pro-tip: It’s never just the tip.

But, even Kill needs intimacy from his girl though, sooo…

If your Baby Girl, he will slow stroke you so deep with your legs draped over his shoulders as he says you look so pretty taking your dick. The pad of his thumb pressed against your throbbing nub. He will bury his face in your neck - nipping your tender skin and burying himself in you.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Erik finds humor in your proverbial suffering, when you’re whining and whimpering for more or for a break, but he isn’t cracking jokes and dropping one liners.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He’s groomed and he smells like a man. I get Dior Sauvage vibes from him.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

This is a privilege, but if you’re lucky enough, you’re spoiled. Candles lit, flowers, soft sheets, expensive lingerie - making love is an art for him. He will degrade you in the most loving way as he lets you cum first, second, and third. Your pleasure and your worth make him feel like a man. Loving you correctly is a source of pride for him, and that means you are emotionally taken care of, even in the nastiest scene.

J = Jack/Jill Off (Masturbation headcanon)

When you first teased at a FaceTime show, you didn’t know you’d love it so much. Watching Erik left you so overwhelmed, you came hard - moaning his name as you pushed the toy in and out. He loves when you initiate. Knowing you want him validates him and indulging you is something he enjoys doing, so when he’s away for business, he treats you to the shows.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Sex is Erik’s kink. There is very little he doesn’t enjoy in the pursuit of pleasure. Not surprisingly, kinky Kill is reserved for his girl only. It’s a privilege to be tied up in his bed as his heavy hands run over your body, whispering the filthiest thoughts. It’s a privilege to role play in the bar on a spur-of-the-moment trip to New York with a blonde wig and end up bent of the bathroom sink as the game melts into real fucking. It’s a PRIVILEGE to have his submission - the times when he sinks on the bed, calling you with a finger, and he begs you to ride him leave you with heart eyes as you sink onto him, getting drunk on his moans as your ass bounces against his thighs.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Erik is a sucker for baecation sex.

Your melanated skin sparkles in the sun as you lay topless in the southern Pacific sun. The ocean breaks gently against the private dock and the soft R&B lulls your eyes shut behind your large sunglasses. Erik leaned against the door frame, watching your curves against the aquamarine seascape and his dick throbbed. He finished the rum - the sweet liquid icing his throat as he swallowed thickly and padded to your lounged body. His dick rested heavy against his thigh, already hard under his swim trunks, as his hulking frame shadowed you.

“Babe, what are you doing?” You raised your glasses and squinted in the bright sun - a wide smile on your face. He dropped between your knees - your legs falling open to accommodate him as his fingers danced over your warm skin. Your breath caught as the pad of his thumb brushed over your nipple - raising it under his touch, “Oh, so we’re doing that?” You mocked as he lifted your leg over his shoulder, his breath warm against your now-wet bikini bottoms.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Erik’s motivation in life is to dominate, and in the bedroom, that’s no different. He wants to own you in every sense of the word, and vice versa - he wants to be owned by you.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Cleanliness is next to godliness, so anything that is actually dirty, Erik is not into. On another note, disloyalty, shadiness, or any evidence of fuckery really just piss him off.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Not all pussy gets eaten, and that’s just really how it is, but for you, giving head is Erik’s solution to most problems and you don’t hate it. Bad day at work? Need attention? Broke a nail? All of it can be solved with his mouth. He loses his breath at the sight of your sticky lips and swollen clit as he brushes his nose against your folds before licking, sucking, and kissing all the places that make your pussy cry with joy.

Overpowering Erik’s dominance is rare, but you on your knees will make him relax and watch as you take him down your throat, gagging and slurping, as your tongue slides over each vein, swirling his mushroomed tip against your full lips. His hand will fist your hair, holding you still, as he thrusts into your throat - saliva dripping as you moan against him. The vibration leaves his dick throbbing as he lets you swallow, greedily enjoying your prize, hard earned from Daddy.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

There’s a time and place for it all and Erik reads the room.

You’ve been acting out, talking shit in front of his friends, kissing your teeth, and stomping through with a bratty attitude, and the only remedy for you is arched on the bed as his heavy hand lands hard on your ass and thighs. The cracking sound of your skin echoes through the room as you count in a weak voice - wetness pooling between your thighs, as he spreads your cheeks. “You just fucking up, so Daddy can fuck you up? Hmm?” He questions as he pushes into you. His question answered with a string of curses sprinkled with moans. “Don’t got shit to say now that I’m deep in my pussy, huh?” He fists your hair, holding you against the comforter, “If you wanted a little dick, just say it, ma.” His chuckle is sinful as his hips snap against you making you forget why you ever had an attitude in the first place.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

If Erik wants you, he will have you. Periodt.

The same, however, also goes for you, and the moments when you just. can’t. wait. leave Erik bustin’ earlier than he wants.

As Erik reached for the door, the locks snapped, leaving the door shut as he tossed you a side glance. This was the fourth stop of the night and your eyes were glassy from liqour as Erik shuffled you between kickbacks. “Come here,” Your hands reached for him, sliding down his t-shirt, resting on his crotch. “Just let me touch it, daddy.” You stretched the syllables as you pulled at his belt, urging it lower. “Come on, no one can see.” His hips rose, jeans sliding down as you pulled him from his boxers. “I just want a little bit.” Your hand jerked him slowly as you slid over him - your thick thighs pressing against the console and the door. He pulled his bottom lip through his teeth - his golds glittering - as you sank slowly onto him. “Just a little bit? You taking the whole thing,” His shirt was pulled under his chin as he watched his dick disappear into you with each rock. “It’s mine. I can take it all.” Your head lazed as Erik’s powerful thrusts took over and your soft moans filled the car.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Erik’s whole life is a risk, sex isn’t any different. Threesomes, orgies, tying people up, being tied up - all of it can find a place in his life.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Realistically, he can go two-three times in a row. During a day, you could give it five or six times if you really wanted it.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Toys aren’t for children and Erik uses them to his advantage. Plugs, vibrators, ties, restraints, lube - all in the drawer beside the bed waiting to be chosen to work your body into a puddle.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Before Erik, you never knew the beauty and power in a delayed release, and with Erik as a teacher, you learned the lessons of edging quite well. He’s a general tease - the build up is half the fun, and unless you’re being punished, he always delivers for you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Erik is nasty and his words alone leave you dripping. His dirty talk is another level of freak, and he leaves you speechless when he says things like…

“Is this my pussy, ma?”

“Your shit drippin’ all over me.”

“Where did you learn to suck dick like this, baby girl?”

“Come on, give me my nut.”

“This tight pussy all mine.”

“Daddy knows the spot, ma.”

The filth that falls from his beautiful mouth leaves you begging for more, but the only thing that matters to you are his moans - hard earned and coveted from being a good girl. The throaty sounds that escape as he bottoms out or you squeeze him gently leave you panting and craving more.

Your acrylic nails raked over his scars - a sharp hiss escaping his mouth - as he pulled your leg over his hip, deepening his thrust. A flex of your walls shut his eyes - a guttural moan slipping out as he stilled himself above you. Your eyes drank in the heavenly sight above you. Loose dreads hung over his face, his lip caught between his teeth - his amber eyes glazed, “Quit playing, baby.” It was barely a whisper as he pulled back, slowly inching from you, when you squeezed him again and another moan echoed through the room.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Intimacy, for Erik, comes in the form of non-sexual activities. Almost anyone can get the dick, but not everyone gets their hand held at the Farmer’s Market while he shops trendy black-owned farms for fresh vegetables, not everyone gets to drive him to urgent care when he chilled with a fever, and not everyone gets the privilege of cleaning on Saturday mornings with 70s funk narrating the choice to use Fabuloso or Pine Sol.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

8-9 inches

Thick

Curved

It bounces when he walks

And it smells good.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He enjoys sex and it keeps him even. He wants you all the time. Of course, there’s real life responsibilities, but in the house, if he wants you, he will take you.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

This is assuming he only has sex at night or in a bed, but generally, he sleeps when he wants to and that includes after sex too.

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a-life-lesson-in-submission · 4 years ago

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What is B.D.S.M?

Definition -

B.D.S.M is the acronym people use to refer to a whole variety of erotic practices involving dominance, submission, other forms of roleplay and more. Specifically: the B and D refer to Bondage and Discipline, the D and S refer to Dominance and Submission, and S and M refer to Sadism and Masochism.

What is B.D.S.M?

Personal belief -

A culture based on the physical, emotional and spiritual needs, wants and desires of another. A world offering a vast variety of various erotic practices.

Terms such as vanilla being as basic as it gets.

Terms such as kink being an almost neverending range of specific personal likes and preferences.

It can come in many shapes and sizes, examples may include, forms of art, take a look at Shibari, or in forms of roleplay, take a look at actors. Regardless what form it shows itself in, it is unique and should be respected.

Simplicity and complexity seem to merge, bringing a sense beauty in it's truest and purest form with a sense of raw human instinct.

B.D.S.M is often misunderstood and deemed to be a justification to abuse another individual which is fundamentally flawed on every level and just plain wrong.

It is more than just a physical engagement, with or without tools, it is an emotional and spiritual connection and commitment to yourself and another.

It is a lifestyle, combined with skill that is forever taking self exploration to neverending heights and new limits. It continously and consistently feeds from obtained information, guidance and support from one individual to the next. It is a world where nothing is set in stone, it's an expandable universe.

The level of interaction given or received will depend on many factors, even with the nature of what it is you may seek, it can still be considerably complex.

It is crucial that you educate yourself, knowledge is just as important as common sense. It is vital you keep an open mind as fantasy and reality are two very different things but can fall hand-in-hand with eachother if approached appropriately, keeping in mind the safety is priority at all times with many of the key factors.

I personally believe the key values to having a unique connection with another individual are trust, honesty, open communication, respect, compassion, empathy, casting no judgement and acceptance, plus much more.

You can be free from yourself, whether that be free from fear, doubt and generalised life negativity or something completely different.

You as an individual are validated and worthy no matter what your preferences may be, this world is here to embrace every part of you, bringing you a sense of peace, somewhere you can be safe, protected, respected and most of all, be true to yourself.

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old-school-butch · 4 years ago

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I'd like to ask..

As a radfem, how do you negotiate being butch so to speak, considering the history between the lesbian feminism of the 70's and butch-femme culture? I feel so connected to butch-femme but at the same time I feel like an outsider as a radical feminist when the limited butch-femme community I've seen has been very "progressive" and anti-terf. I feel saddened by the fact that the people who share my political views are the ones who denounced what I hope(d?) to be my way of loving.

And also.. reading Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold recently kinda hurt my heart because.. although I'm strongly aware that the idea of butch as a type of male privilege or oppressor role is completely false and flawed, reading about the violence towards and control over femmes that butches started to cultivate in the late 50's makes me feel so conflicted as a radfem. How can I know myself as being part of butch-femme culture and embrace the history of those before me without excusing the violence that the butch identity once encapsulated?

I found it so difficult to read the nonchalant accounts of partner violence from butches of the bar-scene and it made me feel ashamed if that makes sense.. how do you feel comfortable and proud identifying as butch when historically this was linked to violence, while being a feminist? How could a femme lesbian have historically identifed as such without being complicit in her own pain?- not for staying in an abusive relationship but for supporting and being proud to be part of a framework in which she was almost required to be submissive and treated like her partner's property.

And of course there were likely to be "bad apples" who did these things on an individual scale, but for butch history to include a period of time where control was glorified and expected feels so horrible. Even though things aren't the same now it's difficult to think about and acknowledging/denouncing what happened doesn't make it better. At my age I do not know anybody who calls themself a lesbian (too old-fashioned), and so I'm looking to the past rather than the present for community and for lack of a better word, validation. I am finding it hard to have pride in this past as radical feminism seemed to have ridiculed femme, and femme seemed to have "allowed" herself to be treated with inferiority (can provide examples if needed from BLSG).

( note: please excuse any typos as I'm on mobile, and sorry for the long ask/vent, I didn't know who else to ask this and it's been on my mind a lot since reading BLSG. finally to clarify, this is not a call-out post against butch-femme, rather a call for help. thank you for reading! )

-please only publish if anonymous, am using alt account-

I haven’t read BLSG, but it’s based on interviews conducted in 1993 with 45 women in a narrow demographic, and with a specific agenda of using these narratives to support the researchers’ thesis that working-class, American butch-femme couples were the ‘roots of gay and lesbian liberation‘. Take everything in there with a good amount of salt. May I suggest some more primary source reading for you? Try anything by Joan Nestle, and the deliciously melodramatic Beebo Brinker series by Ann Bannon. These works provide some more authentic snapshots of people being people, in an era where being the kind of people they were, was very difficult.

I’m not saying that women aren’t complex and sometimes abusive, or that we don’t internalize our societal values - of course we do. And lesbians in that era were often out of work, living in fear, with horrible rates of addiction and mental illness - I can well imagine life was less than ideal and relationships were strained even on a good day. But in an era where there was no national gay or lesbian media, where gay people were socially invisible... there was - by definition - no gay culture per se. Even as visibility increased in the 1970s, that publicly-facing community still would have represented a tiny fraction of the overall population. There’s a reason that the ‘coming out’ story is the single, common thread of narrative in our culture - it’s the only near universal cultural experience.

It’s true that radical feminism has a long standing critique of butch-femme culture, it always struck me as a bit pedantic when the official ‘right’ way to be was ‘androgynous’ - which looked a lot like butch-lite to me. But they are correct with the overall critique of gender - and I’m actually somewhat surprised that fewer radfems today critique butch and femme identity. In some ways, they laid the groundwork of some of the gender nonsense we see today. However, radical feminism has it’s flaws too. We echo society’s scorn for women when we denigrate women who enjoy feminine aesthetics and can fall into a form of victim-blaming and over-critique. The calls to take self-defence classes and work in trades got much more play than the movement to pay wages for housework. The feminine values of caregiving and empathy are so thoroughly exploited that feminism itself struggles to accept them as essential to human society.

Anyway, I call myself butch because it’s what stuck from all the many things I’ve been called, most of them unflattering. If I describe myself as butch and then meet someone IRL, they aren’t surprised at what I look like. However, it’s not prescriptive to me, just descriptive. Not ‘a way of loving’ as you had hoped for. At the end of the day, you have to find your own path, and let other people lay their labels at your feet without confining where you leave your footsteps in the sands of time.

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fanfic-reading-challenge · 4 years ago

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How’s it coming along, all? :)

Hey everyone!!!

I hope everyone’s been enjoying their challenge so far! We’re 6 weeks in and I thought I’d do a little check-in, totally informal and absolutely voluntary, to see how everyone is doing, check if there’s anything that needs clarifying, or if there are any other questions... stuff like that. :)

I thought it would also be a great time to share a little bit about what we’ve been up to! Favourite fic we’ve read or are currently reading, what book we’ve read or plan to read IF we’re doing said Hard Mode task, how many fics we’ve read, unique authors, different fandoms, if we’ve read a fandom crossover fic and what type... how many words total we’ve read and, if we’re feeling really geeky, how much that averages out to per fic? per chapter? What ship or fandom have we read the most of? Rating? Favourite trope so far, if our data even bears that question out? Have you discovered any new fandoms or ships—new to you, that is? Is there a fic or a fandom or ship you haven’t read in more than 10 years, and somehow, someway, found your way back to? Is there a deep quote you’ve come across? Written by the author or quoted by them from someone else? (Totally valid too, with accreditation!) Have you changed your view on something huge because of a fic you read? Have you found a new favourite ship? Or, like me, have you just added another warship to your giant ship armada? (Pretty sure I’ve read five new-to-me ships already; I love this challenge!)

And so much more! Feel free to talk about, list, or mention anything you like!! Even things you’d like to see next year, or that could’ve been done better or not at all. While being polite, of course. ;)

I’ll leave these questions here for now, answer a couple myself, head to bed, and then tomorrow I’ll share some more of my own stats, favourites, and even some of my frustrations with you! I look forward to it, and to hearing from all of you as well!

If you don’t feel like sharing publicly in reply to this post, please feel more than free to tag me in your own post (and ask me not to reblog) or send me an Ask, or a Submission to this blog that I can approve, or as a Direct Message to this blog or to @juuls — my main blog. I would love some distraction tomorrow, instead of going off on another rant about the world being stupid. :P

I’ll leave you with a few stats to get this started, however!:

I currently have over 700 fics listed on my Reading Log, and only 72 have been read completely!

I read The Library at Mount Char by Scott Hawkins for my Hard Mode book-not-fic task (though I could’ve chosen from 13 other books I’ve already read for that spot!).

I’ve read 52 unique authors.

A new to me fandom (well, sub-fandom, as I’ve read DS9 and AOS/TOS) is Star Trek Discovery, and I’ve even found a fic for literally the very first fandom I became obsessed with as a wee little fanling: Escaflowne. Man! This fic dates back twenty years, back to when I read it on freakin’ GEOCITIES lmaoooo. But then again, I’ve also found some HP fic that goes back further than that, even if I wasn’t actively reading it until one or two years later. My goodness, time flies.

I have also read 25 unique ships and am well on my way to probably tripling that by year’s end. I just love everything, how could I not?

I’ve definitely read short fics, but it looks like my average completed fic (71 fics -- 1,393,005 words total) works out to around 19,620 words! Not too shabby!

The total word count (so far) of the fics I’ll possibly read is creeping well past 12 million now.

I may have a (many) problem(s).

The longest fic I’ve completed so far is a Doctor Who fic at ~207k.

The longest fic I am currently reading -- and it’s still being written!!! -- is an ASoIaF/GoT fic that is ~407k words and counting.

BUT I also have eight fics set in Potterverse waiting for me, which are all more than 600,000 words each. (and tons others in the more than 200k word range -- what is it with that? Do we just love the sandbox or do we want to make Rowling’s characters touch in ways she would despise?

................ maybe a bit of both.

Yes, dear ones, I am insane. And loving every minute of it.

I may share some more stats tomorrow, but that’s a lot right there! For now, I’m going to go back to an A/B/O guilty pleasure fic (oo, there’s one task down!) I found... ;D

Anyone have a copy of Draco Dormiens? Coulda sworn I had one hiding out in my hard drives somewhere, but for the life of me I can’t find it... Hm.

Anyway! Have a good night or day y’all! Be kind to one another. <3

And hopefully this rambling made at least one person smile, for that was my aim! I just want this to be fun for everyone and a happy event. No pressure, no best or worst, no comparisons to each other, just to yourself.... learning new things about your own self, too! That’s always wonderful. :) And reading fic in a way that makes it feel like we’re accomplishing something, by making a fun little game/challenge out of it with an aim and a purpose for all those words going in one eyeball and out the other! You can read a book and feel like you’ve “added to your repertoire” and I just want this to feel the same way. :)

It does for me, and I hope it will for you too.

Much love, all.

#2021frc #2021 fic reading challenge #fandom #fanfiction #reading challenge #book reading challenge #2021 #i'm too tired to tag #but i think i got the important ones :P

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asteriismos · 5 years ago

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attention. - bill denbrough

authors note : this is the first chapter of ‘ballads 1′.

warning(s) : underage drinking, college au, swearing, drug use, no pennywise bc i say so, toxic relationship between the reader and another guy,

words : 2.7 k

based off the song ‘attention’ by joji

bill denbrough always thought of himself as a hopeless romantic.

not just in the blatant lovers romance, but in all aspects of love in his life. love for his friends, love for his distant parents, love for writing. he has a large heart, a heart that leads with a strong pride that not many people are able to have. throughout his life he has always had a sense of longing. when he was younger it was always a longing for the future, to see what really was in store for him as soon as he graduated and moved away from derry, maine.

but now that he grew older and was going to turn twenty one this next year, bill realized that he didn’t just have a longing for the future, but the past as well. he missed his friends, though they were only a phone call away, he missed the sense of nostalgia that he always got in those summers in derry. when him and his friends would swim for hours in the quarry and mess around at mr keene’s pharmacy enough to make the old man want to rip his hair out.

it was not his idea to join a frat. it really wasn’t. honestly it made bill a little bit sick to his stomach at the fact that he did. though upon realizing that he longed for that sense of friendship that he had in derry ( though the losers could never be replaced ), bill thought that maybe it would be a good idea.

he also played a lot of baseball, which landed him in one of the most popular frats at his colleges. a bunch of his teammates also were a part of it and got him to join once and for all. bill was a really good baseball player, he always has been for some unknown reason. and he loved it, almost as he loved studying english for his degree. there was just something about being on that field in the hot sunlight that made bill like he had a sense of place in the world. wearing that jersey made him feel like he was a part of something, a family, and he got the same sense with the brothers in his frat.

the same frat that he was a part of also hosted the best goddamn parties. bill never thought of himself as a party animal, and he really wasn’t that wild, but on special occasions he was. he’d flash that million dollar smile, shine those pretty green eyes, and be the life of the party.

tonight was one of those nights. it was the night of the big win anyways. bill had made the game winning home run, making him the topic of the entire party.

little did bill know, this party that he is the topic of would change his life forever.

you, on the other hand, didn’t know what the hell you were doing at a frat party. it was the least favorited place of yours. and if you had any say in the matter, you would’ve just rather stayed in your dorm to read a book, watch netflix, or do literally anything other than be where you are right now.

you used to be an independent person. coming from a small town, you were always the person who everyone admired for being so out of the social norm. you were outgoing, charismatic, the ideal friend. and still somehow you had really good grades to get you into a good college.

now that you were in that college, however, you changed. no longer were you really the outgoing type, you were still charismatic but limited, and you didn’t have many friends. this was all because of the boy you met in freshman year college calculus, his name was liam. at first, liam was the ideal guy for you. he was everything that you could’ve imagined in a boy. at first he was nice, funny, charming, someone who everyone knew. when he asked you out for the first time your heart soared with excitement for that first date. everything went perfectly planned, and you believed that you had a partner for life.

then somewhere after the first three months, something changed. liam got hotheaded, never hitting you, but lashing out with his words. he would get jealous when you talked to other guys and sometimes even your girl friends. then when you would call him out on it, he would manipulate you into thinking that it was your fault for making him angry, which after a while, you started to believe. you knew that it was a wrong relationship, but to some degree you still really liked liam. when liam was in a good mood, he was a good boyfriend. the only problem was when he was in a bad mood . . . he really wasn’t.

you were never the submissive type until you met liam. a part of you wanted to cut him out of your life forever and try to build yourself up again to where you had been before, but you were too scared of what would happen if you did. liam had connections, he would make your life a living hell if you broke up with him. so you stayed with him, despite you not loving him. liam always reminded you that he loved you, even if it took him a few insults to get there.

dressed in a black tank top and dark blue jeans, you walked into the front door of the frat party on 18th street. at first you were even surprised that liam was allowing you to go to this party with him. he loved baseball and went to all the games, but he never took you to the parties that occurred afterwards because he was too scared of you getting too much attention. though tonight he was in a good mood, only commenting on your choice of outfit. liam said that he didn’t want anyone else to see that much of your skin, but that there wasn’t enough time for you to get out of his car and go back up to your dorm to change.

he said that it would be an exception.

a few other of liam’s friends walked behind you and him, him holding you by the waist, into the crowd of people that had pooled into the large house. a few people you recognized from around the campus and in your various classes, though the only people you really knew were liam and his friends.

and then the strangest thing happened.

liam’s arm went off your waist. which wasn’t the strangest thing, no, the strangest thing was when he walked away from you with his friends. without a word, he walked away. it was so unlike him to leave you alone in a public place, though the more you listened to your surroundings, the more you heard the mention of some coke that someone had gotten. that’s what got his attention.

now here you stood, alone in a crowd. and despite the irony of it, you couldn’t have been more happy.

bill thought that you were the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

he was standing on the grand staircase when you walked into his large house. at first he didn’t notice because his mouth was on a red solo cup, taking a long swig of the liquid that would end up being his luck. as he pulled the cup away, his buddy harrison was talking about the game and how he thought that they weren’t going to win until bill made the winning hit. and usually he would accept the praise with open arms but in that moment he could care less about his baseball skills and more about you, who stood alone with a detached look on your face.

it was such a change from the normal girls that went to these parties. usually they would have giddy, almost too happy smiles on their faces to be at probably their third party this week. they threw themselves at the guys in his frat like they had no self worth, and dressed in the most skimpiest outfits that probably would get them kicked out at a restaurant for public nudity. it took bill a few drinks to find these girls attractive. and it wasn’t because they weren’t pretty, most of them were drop dead gorgeous, but it was because they didn’t have a personality outside of being a sorority girl.

you didn’t seem to be that person. and he definitely hasn’t seen you at a party before or he would’ve approached you before.

with a quick excuse, bill made his way down the stairs past the people standing and talking, all the way to where you were standing. your eyes were low so you didn’t see him until he said, “d-do you want a drink?” damn. he wished that he had payed some more attention in speech therapy as a teen because in this moment, he was more than embarrassed that he had a stutter. being the golden boy of the baseball team didn’t seem fitting for a boy with a stutter, yet here he was.

your previous gaze of the solid dark brown mahogany wood was replaced with white high top converse shoes pointing right at you, to which you looked up to be met with green eyes. and for a moment that scared you because for the longest time you’ve stared into liam’s brown eyes forever, trying to find a hint of hope in them, and now that you’re staring into the green eyes of this stranger. . . you see the hope almost like a blinding light.

liam doesn’t like when you drink.

“i'm-” you start, cutting off your words when it starts to feel like cotton is being shoved down your throat. what you were about to say is that you’re taken. and technically you are, but it wasn’t cheating to accept a drink from someone. for all you knew, this stranger is just being nice.

“i'm y/n,” you corrected yourself, giving the boy in front of you a smile.

bill, admittedly, felt like a little kid again with a crush. because the second that you talked to him, his heart started to soar to cloud nine. your voice felt like everything that he was missing in his life and the more he stared at you the more he wanted to get to know you. he wanted to know all your hopes, aspirations, your favorite color . . . everything that you would possibly let him know. and bill knew that it was wrong to think this much about someone who he has only spoken four words to, but as said before, he was a hopeless romantic.

in fact, he was surprised that you were even giving him the light of day, especially since he was staring into your eyes a little bit too long for someone you just met.

if only he knew that you had been seeking some kind of validation like this for almost two years now.

giving that same boyish grin that had been on his face when he first spoke to you, he said, “i’m bill. it’s n-nice to meet y-y . . .” he cursed under your breath too silently for you to hear. “you,” he finally got out, cheeks blazing red with embarrassment.

you only smiled, nodding your head, deciding not to even acknowledge his stutter. which he silently thanked you for.

“bill,” you said, testing how the name felt on your tongue. it felt nice, rolling off like honey. the second that you said it, bill felt like he could live a lifetime of you saying that name. he tried to capture the moment, playing it on repeat over and over in his brain. it sounded so perfect, so pure, it was everything that he wanted.

fuck off bill, you’re falling in love with a stranger, at least get to know her a little bit beforehand.

“s-so do you want that d-d-drink?” he asked again, motioning over to the kitchen where the lines of cups stood, just waiting to be picked up by another eager college student.

and, taking a leap of faith towards bill with the hopeful green eyes, you nodded your head and said, “yes.”

bill watched as you spoke with a smile, sitting next to you and admiring the light in your eyes as you spoke about your hometown. he quickly realized after hearing you talk to him even more, that he could listen to you speak forever and not say one word back. your voice was passionate, speaking with a fire behind it that you realized you haven’t had in a while.

both of you sat on a lawn chairs in the backyard of the house, where not a lot of people were so it was quiet enough to talk without screaming over the music that boomed in the inside.

now that you were without the cloud in your life for almost two hours into this party, you had broken out of your shell a little bit. it was nice. for a few moments you started to feel like yourself again.

and the more you got to know bill, the more you liked him. he was nice, funny, came from a small town just like you, and was super easy to talk to. you were patient while he worked out the words that took him a moment to say with his stutter, which you learned was something that not a lot of people did in his life. he told you about how his own parents got annoyed with it sometimes, and how the frat brothers would start talking over him while he worked out words. it saddened you that you were one of the only people who was patient with him, since bill seemed like someone everyone liked.

“so you’re telling me you’re the reason this whole party is even happening?” you asked him, a small hiccup followed soon after and a giggle.

bill rolled his eyes jokingly. “y-yes. but please it’s n-n-not that big of a d-deal. my friends a-are just over the t-t-tuh-top.”

you shrugged. “i’ve never really been to one of these before, so to me it is a big deal. i’m with the star of the party!”

“stop it,” bill joked. “i’m n-not a star. f-f-far from it.”

you didn't think so.

“whatever you say, billy denbrough,” you teased. maybe you did have a little bit too much to drink after all.

“b-b-but im glad that you’re here,” bill said, giving you a look. his eyes never left your face while it looked at his with such wonder. “it’s n-n-not every day i get t-to talk to pretty g-girls.”

now that threw you through a loop. it’s not every day i get to talk to pretty girls. talk to pretty girls, pretty girls, pretty girls. he thinks that i’m a pretty girl.

you were about to answer, but your phone buzzed, prompting you to take it out of your back pocket and look at the text. it was liam, asking you where the hell you were and that he wants to leave. you looked around the vacinity to see if somehow liam spotted you, but he wasn’t there. thank god, because you couldn’t have imagined if liam saw you talking to bill. he would never let you out of his sight again, he wouldn’t let you out of his grasp . . . suddenly your heart started to race, and you felt the borderline panic attack that washed over your body.

you need to leave before he gets mad, if he isn’t already.

“i have to go . . . it was nice to meet you bill,” you said, giving him a wave and walking towards the house to leave.

bill stood up, about to question your sudden shift in behavior. it happened right after he complimented you and now he believes that he has said the wrong thing. he’s pushed his luck too far. bill felt like an idiot. then again, your whole demeanor had shifted the moment you checked your phone, so maybe he hadn’t been the reason.

standing there dumbfounded, all he could think about is how much he longed to see you again.

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