#taz transcripts

[emberallium]

[chanting] wizard season wizard season wizard season wizard season

[theinkventurezone]

Griffin: [...] the boar is like trying to do its own thing but you very, um, uh, dramatically yank on it and again, and start to pull it off over to the right.

[ethersierra]

My initial takes on the Royale player characters!

[boydykedevo]

I’m doing some research

[blowflyfag]

WOW MAGAZINE : march 2000 vol. 1 Issue 11

[jerreeeeeee]

tragic actual play siblings…

[cobalt-knave]

For those who doubted the number of NPCs named Justin, here are four of them. Clerk Justin, Justin in security, Host Justin aka Beefy Justin, and Justin with a knife.

Transcript is very long, so it's under the cut!

(ep 19)

Justin: And you see a… sign that says, “Check in … here.”

Travis: Oh, okay?

Justin: Yeah. [chuckles]

Griffin: Seems this is the place to be, man.

Travis: We go there.

Justin: Okay, you go in and there’s a person sitting behind the counter. He’s about 5’7’’, he’s wearing—

Griffin: [laughs]

Justin: [chuckles] He’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

Beef: Hail and well met!

Justin (clerk): Hey.

Beef: All right.

Justin (clerk): My name’s Justin, welcome.

Beef: Woah?

Griffin: You’re not 5’7’’, are you?

Justin: No, the character in the— what are you talking— no, this— the character in the game is 5’7’’.

Montrose: We’re staying in cabin 37, may we please have our medallions as quickly as is possible?

Justin (clerk): Oh, yeah, sure.

Justin: He reaches into a drawer without even looking and pulls out three medallions

Justin (clerk): Here you go, you’re in cabin 37.

Justin (clerk): There’s probably just a bed in there. [chuckles]

Montrose: Just one?

Justin (clerk): Three.

Emerich: Oh, thank God.

Justin (clerk): Yeah.

Beef: Okay.

Montrose: I thought we were about to have ourselves a little Kevin McCallister, a little… a little party in there.

Justin (clerk): There— yeah, there’s three.

Beef: Could we… could we request some extra pillows?

Justin (clerk): Yeah, sure, you can request that.

Beef: Will we get ‘em?

Justin (clerk): Nope.

Justin (clerk): Yeah, I just sit here. It’s very boring and doesn't seem to be important. I just kind of sit here and wait for people to come, like yourself. And then hand them the medallion for their room, and then… just kind of cease to…

Montrose: Oh, well, sir—

Beef: Can I have—

Montrose: You must have more of a higher aspiration—

Justin: I mean, I have other stuff I’d like to do. But I—

Montrose: Oh, like what?

Beef: Like what?

Justin: Well, I like to do podcasting, actually.

Beef: Really, podcasting?

Justin: Yeah, I’d like to get into podcasting. But I’m not great with voices, and I’m worried that it’ll be—[chuckles]

Montrose: Hey, that said it was cool for you to give us your keycard.

Justin (clerk): [chuckles] Who’s they?

Montrose: The, you know, higher ups here at Ephemera.

Beef: Shroog.

Justin (clerk): The thing— the only things that I’ve ever done in my life are get medallions out of this drawer and hand ‘em to people, that’s it.

Montrose: Well then, you should be pretty well equipped to hand over the medallion that you have on your neck right now.

Justin (clerk): I don’t have a medallion. They don’t let me go into any of the rooms. This door in front of me, the one that you just walked in, it’s always unlocked. I’m a fucking sitting duck here. But—

Beef: Hey, it sounds like you hate your job? Have you ever been—

Justin (clerk): I don’t hate my job, I don’t love my job. I nothing my job. I don’t have anything interesting to say or do about my job.

Beef: You are fascinating! We’re gonna come back and talk to you. I can’t get enough of this.

Emerich: I don’t know what you’re gonna talk about in your podcast. What will you talk about in your podcast?

Justin (clerk): People that stay too long in here when there’s nothing for them to do or see!

Beef: Oh yeah, I hate that, man! I hate when people do that.

Montrose: I just, I—

Beef: I’d listen. I’d listen to your podcast.

Montrose: I’m updating my speed dial on my phone, and my emergency contact at the hospital, to Justin and Shroog.

Justin (clerk): I can’t leave! I can’t leave this room, I’ve never left.

Montrose: The door’s unlocked.

Justin (clerk): [chuckles] I’ve never left this room.

Montrose: The door is unlocked, though.

Justin (clerk): I was born in this room, I’m terrified to leave.

Beef: Oh, come with us!

Justin (clerk): No.

Montrose: Come with us? We’re having a—

Justin (clerk): [laughs] I’ll never leave! I’ll never leave this room.

Travis: Justin, I pick up Justin and I carry him out the door with us.

Justin: [chuckles] The second you touch Justin—

Montrose: [chants] Justin, Justin, Justin!

Justin: [laughs] The second you touch Justin, you’re electrocuted, for level one harm.

Travis: And I punch Justin.

Justin: Okay?

Griffin: Yeah, let’s kick his ass!

Justin: Okay, you take a swing at Justin. And you’re… he—[chuckles] Your fist lands squarely against his jaw and he is knocked out. It is a beautiful punch. But it isn’t until this exact moment that you see the camera directly behind Justin that starts— [Griffin giggles] And you noticed it’s turned directly at you. And you start to hear the phone on Justin’s desk ringing.

Travis: I pick it up.

Montrose: Real quick, Weekend at Bernie's. We’ve practiced for this. We have practiced this!

Griffin: I put an arm under Justin’s armpit.

Justin in Security: Hi, this is Justin in security. Is everything okay over there? ‘Cause it looked like Justin got punched out or something—

Beef: No, he wanted to learn about stage combat, and I was showing him how to do a punch. He’s here, though. Say hi, Justin!

Clint: I’ll wave his arm. I got a hold of his arm and I wave it from behind him.

(ep 22)

Justin: Dad, here’s what I want for you to do. I want you to roll a sway. And this sway roll is going to be convincing this unnamed gentleman… who I’m going to call…

Travis: Oh, I can't wait.

Griffin: This is gonna be good!

Travis: Brace your asses, everybody!

Justin: Justin.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: God damn it.

Justin: And—[chuckles] I want you to try to convince Justin for the tier of work that you are ready for.

Justin (Host): What do you— hey, I know you’ve been out of the game for a while.

Emerich: Yes?

Justin (Host): Where are you at right now, skills wise, Emerich?

Emerich: I am really at the top of my game.

Justin (Host): Wow. Wow. Huge stuff, huge stuff. We can all agree, right? Huge stuff.

Griffin: [in silly voice] “Huge stuff, boss!”

Emerich: And if I’m able to sway you, I will demonstrate this projection to you, so you can see.

Justin (Host): You know, it’s so rare people just openly say that they’re attempting to sway you. I appreciate your forthrightness.

Emerich: Well…

Justin: Wow.

Clint: Whoo!

Justin: Great job, dad. Great job.

Clint: Now wait, is that Justin or Justin telling me great job?

Travis: Woah…

Justin: That was Justin.

Griffin: Yeah, this guy’s not your dad in game.

Justin (Host): Hey, you did a great job.

Emerich: Thank you, son.

Justin (Host): I’m really proud of you.

Travis: Now, that was Justin.

Griffin: [chuckles]

Justin: That was Justin.

Travis: Okay.

Justin: [chuckles]

Justin (Host): Okay…

Emerich: Well, Scott, I would like you to meet Justin, who is not my son.

Travis: It’s weird, people don’t often clarify that as much as they should.

Griffin: Yeah, I appreciate it.

Travis: When I’m introduced to people all the time, I’m not told whether or not they’re their son.

Griffin: Yeah.

Scott: Hey, I’m Scott Boldflex, and I’m just realizing I only have one voice for real guys-guys.

Griffin: [chuckles]

Scott: You know, it’s just this one. One voice for guys-guys. Guys that are more guys than me. And I just have this one voice for guys. You know, guys—

Clint: And I recall Scott. I recall Scott into the Give a Ghost Projector.

Justin: Thank fuck. [chuckles]

Justin (Host): That is really impressive!

Clint: No, I said I recalled Scott.

Justin: [chuckles] Fuck off, Dad.

Griffin: [laughs]

Justin: Eat shit forever. [chuckles]

(ep 30)

Justin: The doors open. And you hear the speakers come on again.

Funnyman: And now it’s time for you to [laughs]

Montrose: Go ahead, Funnyman. No, don’t crack yourself up.

Funnyman: And now it’s time for you to face my – one of my most devious, most devious henchmen. Get ready [laughs] Get ready to meet a middle aged man with a paring knife!

Knife Justin: Oh hey. Oh hey, guys.

Beef: Hey, man.

Knife Justin: Welcome to my floor. I guess.

Beef: Are you evil?

Knife Justin: Um. I mean, nobody thinks they are, right?

Beef: Oh wow.

Knife Justin: But I mean I am working [sound] I am working for Funnyman. I guess he’s not the – the best guy, but I mean—

Beef: Well, in this economy…

Knife Justin: If you follow the ladder far enough. I mean, even if you buy fucking salad dressing, Black Rock owns it. You know?

Beef: Yeah.

Knife Justin: So if you follow the chain, it hard to say are any of us evil or good, but I mean, I don’t know. I do have a paring knife, and he told me to try to – I mean, stab you.

Knife Justin: Well, I’m not gonna put the knife down. I mean, that’s—

Beef: Ok try to stab me. Try to stab me.

Knife Justin: You sure?

Beef: Yeah.

Justin: Alright, Travis. You see him. He’s gonna go Norman Bates, like, he rears back with his hand over. He’s gonna go—

Montrose: No, no, that’s – That ain’t. That’s not proper stabbing.

[overlapping voices]

Beef: No, no, no, no. Do underhand. You’re going for the gut, man, what are you doing?

Knife Justin: Oh, ok.

Emerich: This is a paring knife!

Knife Justin: I’ve never actually…

Emerich: You know—

Beef: Yeah, don’t go for like –

Knife Justin: So you go for the— Go for the gut?

Beef: What are you – stabbing me in the top of the head? Yeah, man, you’re trying to chu-chu-choo, ya know?

Emerich: Are you left handed or right handed?

Knife Justin: I’m left – I’m a lefty. Should I be using my dominant—

Montrose: You’re holding it in your right hand. What are you doing?

Emerich: Yeah, it’s in your right hand.

Knife Justin: You guys are being so cool about this. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.

Beef: We wanna give you a chance.

Travis: I slap him again.

Knife Justin: AH FUCK!

Justin: So, he, uh [laughs] I don’t even think you have to roll for this, Travis. He just – He goes to stab you, and he does! And he stabs you in the stomach. And you can see his eyes, like, pop out, and the knife’s like buried in you, and you don’t seem to be daunted by it at all. And he pulls the knife out. And he’s kinda looking at you to see if you’re gonna do anything.

Beef: Ok, so now’s the part where I get to, like, either seriously hurt you, or can just, like, give me the knife.

Knife Justin: Oh! Uh, yeah. I mean, here. You can have it. I’m—This is what he told – I only had to stab you guys, so…

Beef: Ok. Now [overlapping]

Montrose: And how did that feel?

Beef: Good question!

Knife Justin: Can I, Can I be honest? I think I’m gonna go to, like, a night school or community college or something. I don’t think career wise this is for me.

Montrose: What’s your name there, bono?

Knife Justin: What?

Montrose: What’s your name?

Knife Justin: Justin.

[wizard-loving-wizard]

steeplechase reference in the taz vs dracula finale:

[taz-metamals]

Welcome to my TAZ sideblog! I’m working on drawing all the Steeplechase Metamals, and the purpose of this post is to organize and keep track of them.

Here are the Metamals in the order they were first introduced:

- Charles the Giraffesaurus rex

- Chihuahuowls

- Orwell the Armored Gorilladactyl

- Emperor Pumas (one is named Greg)

- Harold the Bulbulgoose

- Clarence the Beaver-eel

- Spider-spider monkey-monkeys

- Skunk-frogs

- Llama-sheep

- Yak-eagles

- Aardvark-coyotes

- Tiger-moles

- Pangolin-falcon

- Lance and Camille the Monkangaroos

- Turtle-lions

- Claude the Jagpanda

- Squieetahs

[secrettazlore]

Ethersea Episode Twenty: The Coral Spire only has one bathroom.

[mango-sideburns]

So I'm doing a whole book binding thing and........binding the transcripts of all the episodes of TAZ and making like physical books of them would be dumb right?

........right?

[dullahandyke]

yeah im not really into taz anymore and i think im past the point in my life where i relistened to it voraciously (remembers ned chicane) oughhhhhhhhhhh ned

[ethersierra]

Oksamber Audio Edit!

I would have done this whether or not TAZ Sapphic Week was a thing, because THEM<3. But I have had more experience using audacity lately (mostly for cursed reasons) so I wanted to try my hand at something longer and more complex. And I have so many songs that fit them. So. Here you go, my artistic vision!

[boydykedevo]

Animal facts with Griffin McElroy

1. Polar bears like-a drink-a dat cola cola cola cola

2. Aurochs like to eat a big-a spaghetti

[blowflyfag]

WOW MAGAZINE : march 2000 vol. 1 Issue 11

WOW ZONE

A Taxi For All Mankind

Those trying to hail a taxicab in New York City at the corner of 61st Street and Madison Avenue recently may have seen a strange sight: A driver wearing a leather mask with empty cans of Chef Boyardee food items scattered about on the dashboard. 

It took about eight takes for Mick “Mankind” Foley to film a commercial for the canned pasta products. After the director was satisfied, Foley stepped out of the cab and gave his autograph to the handful of lucky fans who happened to be at the right place at the right time. 

Hair Designs By Tazz

Before landing the big-money contract with the World Wrestling Federation, Tazz supplemented his income by working as a hair stylist for fellow Extreme Championship Wrestling performers.

Here, Tazz grooms the locks of Yoshihiro Tajiri. Perhaps Tazz was braiding Tajiri’s hair or sizing him up for a Mohawk. One thing’s for sure: Hair Designs By Tazz is coming to a WWF ring near you. 

[Oh no, these split ends are terrible!]

[pagesofkenna]

Was listening to a solo actual play when i got jumpscared by an ad for a dnd actual play i'd had to stop listening to years ago because a major npc was chewing gum