#the differences between them highlight the differences between Aaron and Andrew

[renison-truther]

It’s so funny how Katelyn and Neil are so similar and yet cosmic opposites. They’re both redheads taller than the minyard brother they’re dating. They both stood their ground to make their s/o’s go to therapy. They both can’t stand their s/o’s brother. Katelyn is a normal college cheerleader. Neil is the son of a mob boss. As far as we know Katelyn is one of the only characters in the series without a tragic backstory. Neil’s tragic backstory continues haunting him for three books.

[winningmymind]

(wholesome twinyard ficlet) Andrew pats Aaron's head sometimes

It starts in their joint therapy session, when Bee has somehow managed to pull a truth from Aaron's screwed tight lips after switching up her tactics to get Andrew's other half to be more candid with his feelings.

"Is that really what you want?" The question hangs in the air, spoken from Andrew himself, his identical hazel eyes taking notice of Aaron's strained face and reddening ears.

They give it a few minutes. The silence having a chance to settle until broken between them. It's difficult for Aaron to process what he even said aloud. A deep yearning he never thought to let anyone know. Not even Katelyn. Let alone Andrew and Bee. Reminds him of stretching, how it can be both painful and relieving. He's experiencing both right now and it fucking sucks.

".......Yes." Aaron hisses, swallowing his pride, embracing embarrassment, and feels the rest of his skin flushing a pretty rosy color at the vulnerability of it all. He loathes this part of growing and healing.

If only he could turn invisible, or reverse his confession, anything to run away from confronting his barrier of repression head on. Aaron refuses to make eye contact with Andrew, latching his attention to his untied shoe and bouncing leg full of anxiety.

Bee simply smiles at the progress made in the last hour, fondly addressing both Minyards with a clap of her hands to draw their attention.

"Then it's settled. For this next step, Andrew, when comfortable, you are to pat Aaron on the head occasionally. Get used to touching him in a brotherly fashion. Give him the praise he needs when times get rough or just because you feel like being affectionate. How does that sound?"

It's sounds absurd in Aaron's opinion. Why oh why did today's session, and the previous one, and the one before that have to highlight on Aaron's touch starved coping mechanisms paralleling Andrew's touch aversion issues? Why did Bee have to point out that specific pattern of theirs? Why can't Bee be shit at her job?

He wouldn't know how to conduct himself if Andrew willingly ruffled his hair like how he saw other siblings, normal and loving siblings do on TV sitcoms/in the family picture movies/after Exy little leagues games when his fellow teammates had someone cheering them on and ready to take them home to celebrate wins/comfort any losses.

(Aaron had to walk by himself every time because Tilda never did the bare minimum of showing up to support no matter how many times he circled the dates on fridge calendar).

He still remembers the sting of his hair getting pulled, scalp screaming in protest, shock overtaking his system as Andrew demands if Drake got his filthy paws on him. In the midst of a dead body and fresh blood, a part of Aaron's brain had sent signals of irrational happiness that Andrew might possibly care for him deeply, and that he can count on one hand all the instances where he's felt his twin's frantic hands checking to see if he was hurt by someone Andrew meant to protect him from.

Bee waits patiently for Andrew's response on if he'll agree. Aaron, who is now nervously tapping a finger to his knee to keep from squirming in his seat, kind of hopes his twin rejects the task and they can never discuss this topic ever again.

"I'll do it." Andrew says after drinking the last remnants of his hot cocoa, his tone laced in boredom, but both Bee and Aaron are picking up on Andrew's subtle communication differences and know that the Foxes goalie finds this therapy challenge very interesting.

Aaron let's out the breath he didn't know he was holding in. He didn't expect Andrew to comply this easily. He learned not to expect anything from Andrew, really, so it surprises him how his honesty is getting him the desired results a teenaged Aaron, a toddler Aaron, any version of Aaron pre-college could only hopelessly wish for. Wish granted, it seems.

"Alright! We'll talk about it in next week's session then. Thank you both for sharing your time with me." Bee's smiles are too sweet after each dismissal and Aaron practically bolts out of her office to the car while Andrew's in absolutely no rush to leave, purposely taking his time walking.

Bee quietly wishes the twins good luck, happy they're taking the necessary and belated baby steps together that they once were robbed of at birth.

-------

"Dude. Just stay in bed. Seriously." Matt pleads, placing bottles of water, Gatorade, and a bowl of microwaved canned soup in a mug on the nightstand beside Aaron's bed.

"I... can... make... it." Aaron's throat is on fire. Body feels heavy, skin feels hot. He's shivering, though, enough to clatter his teeth like he's in a snowstorm. Fever's most likely setting in.

"You're sick." Matt dares to press a hand to Aaron's forehead and the touch feels nice, so reassuring. Aaron will take that to his grave. "Coach will understand. Trust."

"But-"

"Nuh-uh. You're useless like this. Plus, no one would appreciate you spreading your icky cooties."

"It's germs." Aaron corrects and Matt merely shakes his head, pulling out his phone, probably texting the group chat that Aaron's out of commission.

In seconds, Coach and Kevin have barred Aaron from coming to court (Coach because he worries about all his Foxes and Kevin because he needs Aaron fully functional for defense). There are a few well wishes from his teammates. Aaron has no idea if they're being polite or if they genuinely care. Neil texts him "don't die" and that's the closest form of concern Aaron will get from the mafioso brat.

Nicky's immediately calling and promising to nurse him to health once practice is over. Andrew doesn't text nor call. That pissed him off, but Aaron is used to it. Not being acknowledged. He drinks his liquids and forces himself to finish the soup because Matt unfortunately gives a damn about him, going above and beyond as a roommate. He can see why Neil likes the upperclassman.

Aaron took some medicine already, the kind that makes one drowsy, and Katelyn texts that she'll take notes for him should he miss class this week. If he's got a fever, then Aaron should just sleep in a light bedsheet. He's a creature of habit, however, and he rationalizes that the soft and thick covers are a better texture for him to wrap up in a cozy cocoon. Has Aaron believing he's being tenderly hugged and he burrows under them in poor judgement, ignoring how uncomfortably sweaty he's getting.

When he wakes up some time later, not understanding how he fell asleep in the first place, mind all dazed, Andrew is there in his dorm. So is Nicky, but Aaron can only focus on Andrew's glaringly unexpected presence.

"My baby!" Nicky is dramatic as always. Mother henning like no other like he said he would.

Andrew isn't standing too far away from the bed, leaning against the door threshold, hands in his pockets, expression unreadable. Eyes on Aaron.

"Where's your shadow?" Aaron pants out the question, fatigue beating his ass, and apparently invoking Neil's whereabouts must be a curse because he unintentionally summons a nasty coughing fit.

"Drink! Aaron! Drink!" Nicky presses a bottle to Aaron's lips while patting his back soothingly.

Andrew intently watches Aaron's body loosen at Nicky's gentle touch, tense muscles relaxing instantly. He lets Aaron's coughing subside before answering. "Didn't want to risk getting sick. Sends his regards."

Aaron would laugh if he had the energy and if his throat wasn't against him. Andrew produces a big bag of throat lozenges from thin air it seems and tosses it in Aaron's lap. It's the flavor Aaron likes the most be it gum, chapstick, candy: cherry. Why the fuck does Neil "Always Lying Little Shit" Josten know that?!

"You need to change out of these sweaty clothes, Aaron. I'll go get you my hoodie. The one you like to steal from me. I'll be right back!" Nicky darts out the door.

Andrew lifts a brow to Aaron. Aaron interprets that as Andrew being curious about the significance of Nicky's hoodie. It's a story, an untold bond that Aaron and Nicky share that Andrew isn't privy to. Maybe, he's being immature, but Aaron won't tell Andrew shit if he's not asked. Let his twin stew in unsaid inquiries. Aaron can be mysterious too. He's eager for Nicky to return, choosing to distract himself from Andrew's piercing gaze and patiently wait by recalling why he's needy of his cousin's hoodie.

Whenever Aaron's sick (which is rare these days since Andrew became a constant in his life) he wears one of Nicky's hoodies. It started when he was much younger, a consistent sickly child. His mom barely cared to check up on him and Nicky had forgotten to take some of his clothes when Luther had the Hemmicks stay over Tilda's for religious holiday dinners as a family. Aaron had slipped one of the forgotten hoodies on and felt engulfed in warmness, his mind pretending that he was in Nicky's welcoming arms, cradled and cooed over, feeling loved for a brief moment in the chaos when Tilda preferred dosing on medicine meant for the improvement of Aaron's health.

Nicky leaving means Aaron and Andrew are alone with each other. Aaron wouldn't mind if he weren't weak right now. He struggles to open the lozenges, popping one in his mouth to suck on after numerous tries. Andrew still leans on the threshold, watching him. Aaron snuggles into the covers more like it's a shield from all his troubles.

"What do you have?" Andrew's straight to the point.

"Fever." Aaron replies.

"To break a fever you need to stay cool." Andrew steps away from the threshold, steps closer to the bed. "Ditch the covers. Bedsheets are better."

Aaron defensively tugs the covers more around his body. "I like it." As if that's any decent excuse.

By now, Andrew's standing next to Aaron's sitting form. He studies how ruddy Aaron's face is, the damp hair stuck to his forehead. In one swift move, Andrew rips the covers off Aaron. He sees his stubborn twin shout in protest while being drenched in sticky sweat, t-shirt clinging like a second skin.

"No more of this." Andrew orders, pointing at the covers swathing Aaron and Aaron scowls.

"Don't tell me what to do."

"This isn't up for debate."

Before Aaron could spit out another retort, upset that his brother is right, and that he should listen, and that he knows better as a pre-med student but since it's Andrew bossing him around with piss poor bedside manner it triggers Aaron's obstinacy...

Words die on his tongue the moment Andrew's palm lies flat atop Aaron's head.

Oh. He's doing Bee's task. Andrew is patting Aaron. He's delicately touching Aaron in such a subduing way.

"Bedsheets only until it breaks, Aaron." Andrew reiterates, expression unchanging as Aaron's jaw drops and eyes widen owlishly. It's like he's one of those fierce wild animals that gets pet for the first time and is paralyzed by the foreign sensation.

"....Okay." Aaron is quelled effortlessly, chest warm, threat of a smile on his lips, and he hates that.

"Hmm." Andrew still pats Aaron on the head for a long time, the only indication he's not as impassive as he looks is the glint in his matching hazel eyes, something cooking in his mind with this new information.

Aaron's eyes get half-lidded, from the medicine, his fever, or the endorphins and serotonin from Andrew's hand in his hair - he has no idea. When it's clear Nicky's coming back by the sound of his loud footsteps, Andrew pulls his hand away and Aaron wished their cousin stayed away a little longer so he could enjoy the affection more.

"Here ya go!" Nicky holds up the hoodie proudly, cluelessly interrupting the twins building a bridge they didn't know they needed, and Aaron peels off his soaked shirt to trade for the hoodie.

"I'll go make you food. A Nicky Hemmick special that'll knockout the cooties lickety-split!"

He's gone again. Aaron is drowning in the hoodie, sleeves floppy, and he looks smaller than he really is. Andrew wordlessly thumbs the material, nodding in approval that it's thin enough and won't overheat Aaron should he sleep in the bedsheets.

"Rest." Andrew lingers, making certain Aaron lays back down and closes his eyes, on the verge of losing consciousness.

Aaron is halfway into dreamland, breathing slowing and thoughts escaping. He thinks he feels a featherlight stroking on his forehead that threads through his hair and contentedly sighs.

-------

It becomes a thing. Andrew patting Aaron's head at random.

Aaron is healthy. Kevin barks game plays at him and Aaron rolls his eyes. Neil teases him for having a fragile immune system and Aaron takes pleasure exaggeratingly coughing in his face. Nicky is being extra and Aaron has to shame him to calm it down.

Andrew acts the same towards him, sans the head pats.

"When did this happen?" Neil is so nosy.

"None of your business!" Aaron growls, and his anger is less effective when Andrew is disheveling his hair to the point that Aaron is positive it'll look like he's having a bad hair day.

"I think it's cute." Nicky beams, always a cheerleader for the twins to get along.

"Who cares?" Kevin holds a tray of the most unappetizing glasses of protein shakes. "Stop stalling and drink these."

"Uh, no freaking way." Neil scrunches his nose. "No one told you to make that."

"Our poor blender suffered for this concoction?" Nicky faux cries.

"It has banana in it." Kevin fails to persuade.

Aaron leans into Andrew's palm some more, impressed with himself for not feeling weird about accepting Andrew's affection in front of their friends. It's a big change for Andrew, too, being physically expressive to Aaron. They only do this when alone or with the Monsters, not when the rest of the Foxes can witness.

Nicky and Kevin are busy arguing over the ethics of milkshakes being sugary and tasty or protein fueled and disgusting. Neil grew bored and sets his sights on Aaron.

"Andrew's been patting your head for five minutes straight. Someone's clingy." Neil can choke and die, bastard.

Instead of his usual rise at the bait, Aaron takes a page from Bee to switch tactics, his body too relaxed to be argumentative.

"Don't be jealous." He imitates Bee's calm and collected voice, smirking smugly at Neil's offended face.

"I'm not-"

"Ooh, shots fired!" Nicky, able to sniff drama like a bloodhound, joyously applauds.

"Shut up, Nicky!"

"I'm just saying."

"Say less, then."

"Excuse me! I didn't make these shakes for them to be wasted!"

"Do you want to be killed, Kevin?"

-------

Bee's office still irritates Aaron.

"How was it?"

Andrew sips his hot cocoa. Aaron picks at a loose thread on his jeans.

"It went well, I suppose."

"How do you know that?" Aaron glares at her and she smiles sweetly.

"Well, you aren't complaining. That's a key indicator."

Aaron huffs and crosses his arms. Andrew never looks at Aaron. He looks at Bee.

"It was nice." He looks away from Bee, back to sipping hot cocoa.

Aaron snaps his head at Andrew, surprised. Bee furiously jots notes in her pad, her face pleased.

"Aaron? Was it nice for you, too?"

He hesitates, eyes still on Andrew. Aaron doesn't look at Bee. "....Yeah."

The session ends and they leave for the car. Neither talk. Aaron stares out the window. He practices on autopilot. He cracks open his textbooks and puts on background noise. His routine is back to normal.

And when he stresses over an upcoming test that Katelyn can't comfort him in, or Matt snitches to Neil that Aaron woke up from another nightmare from past traumas, or if he's passed out from exhaustion on the couch from overstimulation...

Andrew comes by somehow in the nick of time and pats him on the head and it's almost like what Aaron saw between siblings on TV/in the movies/after Exy little league games. He never knows when it's coming, but when it does, Aaron is internally over the moon about it.

Each time Andrew reaches out for him, Aaron sways into it, and pretends, perhaps even believes, it's his twin's way of subtly saying "good job/you're wanted/I love you."

After all, Aaron's training to be a doctor, and doctors have to learn how to read people and figure out the facts from fiction. So, Aaron figures it out.

Andrew's actions speak louder than words and Aaron's finally listening to them.

[odetojupiter]

so, we know that abuse and victim responses to abuse are very central to aftg, but what i find interesting is how other characters respond to the victim’s reactions, especially when it comes to mourning their abuser. there’s something about kevin mourning riko, aaron mourning tilda, neil mourning mary, andrew mourning cass, thats so important to me because it really truly highlights how even when people are united through similar traumas, the differences in their situations makes it impossible to fully understand the relationship a person has to their abuser. neil, aaron, and andrew are united through the abuse, neglect, or - what the fuck is the word i’m thinking of? permit? condone? i mean, knowingly allowing it to happen and not intervening - stemming from a maternal figure. but neil can’t understand why andrew would hold on to cass for so long - he refused to let her go until aaron came into the picture. and andrew can’t understand why aaron would mourn for tilda, potentially viewing aaron’s grief as a betrayal of their promise. and they all ridicule kevin for his reactions to riko. of course, neil and andrew are also abused by riko, but they still can’t understand the complicated relationship between kevin and riko because, at the end of the day, they just weren’t there.

i mean this is primarily an observation but i really love how trauma and trauma response is depicted as nuanced, complex and overall just difficult to understand from an outsider perspective in the books. it reads as really real, and though it can be frustrating when a character doesn’t understand a different character’s response, you have to understand that their perception of said character’s response is warped by their own experience of abuse.

andrew bounced from home to home, never had stability, so obviously he held tight on to the first mother-figure that didn’t outright hurt him. his self-worth was probably low enough that he thought living with drake was a fine price to pay to keep cass.

neil only ever had his mother, and he’d willingly accept her harsh hands because he believed she was just keeping him safe from the very real dangers that were closing in on them.

aaron was dealing with an addiction, and so was his mother; he was equally dependent on her to avoid withdrawal as he was scared of her anger.

i don’t really have a point anymore but you get what i’m saying

[otdiaftg]

The King's Men - Chapter Fourteen (16)

Day: Monday, March 18th / 19th* Time: 2:35 PM EST

Andrew precedes him out of the room, but Neil snags his sleeve as he tugs the door closed behind them. Andrew obediently turns to face him. "How does it feel to sell yourself out?" Andrew asks. "Worth every penny," Neil says. "Let him have however much he wants. I don't need the money. All I need is what he gave me: a promise that I have a future. I have permission—no, orders—to live my life how I want to. I'm going to graduate from Palmetto State in four more years and play Exy until they force me to retire. Maybe I'll even die of old age." "You sound more like them every day," Andrew says. Neil guesses he means their more optimistic teammates. "You're going to have to come up with something of your own to hold onto. I'm safe, Kevin doesn't need your protection anymore, Nicky's going back to Erik eventually, and Aaron's got Katelyn. What are you going to live for if you're not playing sheepdog for us?" "Aaron doesn't have Katelyn." "Denial doesn't suit you. We talked about this." "You talked," Andrew says. "I didn't listen." "Choose us," Neil says. It is enough to shut Andrew up—maybe only for a second, but Neil will take any opening he can get. "Kevin's going to retake his spot on Court before he graduates. He thinks I can make the cut with enough practice and time. Come with us. Let's all play in the Olympics together one day. We'd be unstoppable." "That's your obsession, not mine." "Borrow it until you have something of your own." Neil holds tighter to Andrew's sleeve when Andrew starts to pull free. "Isn't any of this fun? Having a place, having a team, a different city every week and cigarettes and drinks in-between? I don't want this to end." Andrew yanks loose. "Everything ends."

Art used with permission by lnmei. Thank you @lnmei!

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[ma-lark-ey]

Lark Liveblogs Literature Part ???: All For The Game Series - Nora Sakavic

I'm doing something a little bit different with this one! In the business of full disclosure, I read TFC (and about a chapter of TRK) in April this year, decided "I can't mcfucking do this" and then gave up. And then didn't stop thinking about Neil Josten for the next eight months and now we're BACK. So, instead of properly 'liveblogging,' unlike most first-reads I do, I'm actually annotating this one because it's too good to NOT.

That means I have a customized (so totally legal mhm) word doc, highlight/unline privileges, and audacity.

Here's what I knew before I read back in April (stolen from my beta version of this post);

Andrew Minyard: Gay(?), funniest bitch alive if Tumblr brackets are to be trusted. Murderer? Has Boyfriend???

Sports. Maybe. Yes? sports.

Drugs are involved. Somehow.

Now, here's where I am going in now;

Ranking the Foxes goes; Neil, Aaron, Dan, Kevin, Andrew, Renee, Matt, Nicky

I have no idea how exy works, I do don't plan on figuring it out.

Do not remember if I read TRK but what I remember happening is far too much to be just the 230 page doc that is TFC so I MUST HAVE right?

Do know his real name's Nathaniel because I did read that scene reveal and get JUMPSCARED by my brother's name.

How this is going to work is that I'm going to put in my annotations for each chapter. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

"You can't be serious." "Very serious, and very out of time,"

"were a team of talented rejects and junkies because Wymack only recruited athletes from broken homes...nice in theory, but it meant his players were fractured isolationists who couldn't get along long enough to get through a game."

"God damn it, Minyard. This is why we can't have nice things."[1] "Oh, Coach," someone said over Neil's head. "If he was nice, he wouldn't be any use to us, would he?" "He's no use to us if you break him." "You'd rather I let him go? Put a band-aid on him and he'll be good as new."[2]

[1] This is why we can’t have nice things, darling. Because you break them. I have to take them away

[2] Andrew I’ll kiss you

"blond and five feet even"[1]

blond? wrong. five foot even? correct.

"They were champions, and Neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends."[1]

[1] Neil your self-loathing is showing

"It's not a good idea." "Your opinion has been duly noted and dismissed,"

"It was proof he existed, same as this game they both played. Kevin was proof Neil was real."

"It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you." Neil had heard Wymack referred to as an idealistic idiot by more than one person, but it was hard to listen to him and not believe that he was sincere

"It sounded like a dream; it tasted like damnation"

notes:

nothing much to say on chapter one--- it's a standard introductory chapter to a contemporary(ish) novel.

Wymack sets up the series' key theme with his line, "It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you."

Kevin's demeanor in this chapter is very similar to the Kevin we see up until Raven's come into play--- He's very good at acting very standoffish and tough.

The shift in Kevin when Riko comes into play was actually so dramatic I didn't recognize him here, I was afeared

some of the quotes I've added here are obviously because I thought they were funny exchanges--- others are me English Majoring(tm), and others are just me marking plot, characterization, facts, etc.

admittedly what i've put here is about half of what is actually highlighted/underlined in my doc.

I want to study the dynamic between Neil & Wymack under a microscpe

[awildtei]

Some more (equally messy) thoughts now that I've reread the bonus chapters a few times:

1: The tension Kevin feels about Betsy and Andrew is fascinating. Andrew seems convinced that he knows everything important about Kevin (is even angry about him keeping secrets when he finds out about the district change), but here Kevin is, distrusting his therapist, not because her job is inherently dangerous to him (like Neil), but because he thinks her closeness to Andrew might overpower her professional discretion. Of all the things Kevin is scared of, this is the one he doesn't trust Andrew to protect him from.

You know how in therapy with Aaron Andrew says "I told her you were never going to develop a personality of your own"? I think he does that, sees the people he has decided are 'his' as having a less complex inner world than himself. Maybe it's an extension of seeing them as vulnerable and needing his protection, but he certainly seems surprised at Aaron showing he is keenly aware of the dynamics at play with Neil and Andrew, their deal, etc., and I think he does the same with Kevin, reduces him to something easy to understand, someone who surely can't have any secrets to keep from him. I wonder more than ever now what Kevin's inner world looks like.

2: "Years later he still didn't know if relief or disappointment had put the hotter fire in him." It's interesting to think Kayleight didn't get it that wrong after all, if even Wymack himself thought he might have felt relief at finding out he wasn't going to be a father, with the responsibilities that entails. They clearly didn't know each other perfectly if she thought he'd definitely be relieved and if he believed her, but it seems they weren't so wrong about each other either. I'm not saying Kayleigh was right to lie to him or anything, but the way he describes his actions and his reaction to the news adds context to their relationship that until now seemed to be 'she thought she was doing him a favor but she was entirely wrong'. Like... she wasn't entirely wrong. They were young. They made assumptions. They could have done things better. It's not all her fault.

3: I love that between the first and second bonus chapter we find out how little Wymack knows of Andrew and Betsy's relationship. He didn't know they texted. He worries she's crossing a line when she prods at Andrew. He trusts her enough to give her his team, but clearly she doesn't share anything about how she actually handles them.

4: It's really cool to see what therapy with Betsy looks like when you're not Neil. The adjustments she makes to traditional methods to better fit Andrew (and Aaron). How she takes her cues from Andrew but pushes just a little when she feels it necessary. How she steers him away from destructive habits without outright chiding him. How she's a little mean when she needs to gauge his reaction. How she takes everything he throws at him, processes it, and integrates it into the conversation in a second without letting it faze her, no matter how brutal or ambiguous it is.

5: "Defeat's a heavier mantle than hope", "Who fears the monster that knows the taste of a whip?" Poetic-ass lines. Welcome back "Is your spine the spine of the righteous?"

6: "Everyone knows now, Bee" is the new "I was seven." Also the way she knows he is not really talking about "everyone" but about "everyone that matters to him" aka his family... I'm glad he has people who can correctly interpret him among so many people who misunderstand him.

7: We knew Aaron was capable of being Neil-levels of ruthlessness to prove a point/get what he wants from his conversation with Neil that led to him being punched, but it's incredible to see him in action using his Neil-like bitchiness on Andrew, they are more alike than they'd like to acknowledge.

8: Having back-to-back Betsy and Aaron POVs highlights the difference in their processing Andrew-talk. Betsy understands the meaning behind everything he says and translates it for us on text, but Aaron realizes sometimes that he's missing part of the significance but can't make sense of it (like "the importance of hiding scars") and puts it aside to analyze later. I wonder if the twins will ever get to a point where they can read each other as well and as easily as Betsy and Neil can read Andrew. I believe they can, considering Aaron does read Andrew right sometimes ("Aaron heard what he didn't say: I blame us both").

9: Aaron's stance on queerness is so much more complex than any other character realizes. "I hated Nicky at first. How could I not?" he says, like he had no other option, like there aren't people who, like him, grow up surrounded by homophobes but make up their own minds about what they believe in (speaking from experience). Like there wasn't at least a little bit of a choice in deciding to believe everyone else was right and Nicky was wrong.

"But he tried. He took care of us" it's funny that Aaron's change of heart, insofar as he had one, is more because Nicky proved himself to him as 'not that bad' rather than a realization that queerness itself is not bad. It's also very telling of his beliefs that he thinks Nicky weaponizes his gayness, rather than his sexuality in the broader sense of the word. Because when Nicky harasses his teammates, makes innuendos that make others uncomfortable, forces himself on people, etc... I think he's weaponizing his sexuality in the sense of human sexuality, rather than his orientation. I also wonder what thought process led Aaron to conclude Nicky does it to figure out who is safe and who isn't.

All in all, I still think it's not as strightforward as "Aaron is a homophobe" and it's definitely not "Aaron hates Nicky", but I do think in his mind he equates homosexuality with the kind of behavior that bothers him about Nicky. I'm sure he means it when he says he doesn't care that Andrew is gay, but he clearly has some deeply ingrained homophobic beliefs (and i don't think that's the same thing as being a homophobe but that's part of a larger conversation that has little to do with fandom) that he's willing to put aside when perceiving Andrew but that he hasn't let go of.

10: "I don't care what Nicky says about blood not making family. Neil is not our family, not with the way you look at him." Once again intrigued by the way Aaron sees things differently from his family. Because I would wager Nicky thinks of Erik as family, thinks of Neil as family even after his relationship with Andrew comes to light. He means family as in community, as in loved ones, as in your people. But for Aaron family is something else, something that doesn't include the people you're in love with/date, maybe because family has always been something too complicated for him. Doesn't he think of Katelyn as family just because of "the way he looks at her"? Or does he just mean it in this specific context in which being family would give Neil immunity to the twins' deal?

11: The twins fidget in exactly the same way. Will be thinking about it a lot.

Some very unpolished thoughts I scribbled down on my first read of the bonus chapters (SPOILERS AHEAD):

David

-Wymack trying to steer Kevin away from alcohol and into therapy feels a bit retcon-y. I know it works just fine, but I kinda liked that for all his good intentions and overall positive impact Wymack was a very flawed father figure, particularly with something he seems to use as a crutch himself like alcohol is.

-"I don't trust [Betsy]." Interesting in many ways: (a) that makes Neil the second, not third, team member to distrust poor Betsy. (b) he doesn't trust her not to reveal his secrets, so clearly he trusted her just enough to tell her those secrets in the first place. (c) I think it adds a very interesting layer to Kandrew's dynamic, both because Kevin sees Betsy as someone who could get in between them and ruin it and because it's a secret Kevin and Jean shared but Kevin won't share with Andrew (the closest thing to a partner he has with the Foxes).

-"No. Don't ask me that." Exactly what Andrew says on the phone with Higgins. The immediate refusal, the automatic yet almost panicked order... mmm.

-Maybe Kevin's age when Kayleigh died had already been confirmed somewhere but I don't think I knew it, so. Nine. Old enough to (probably) remember her pretty well, to have learned from her and loved her and miss her. Young enough to be shaped into a Raven.

-"but Kevin would always be different." "You're not just a Fox. You're Kayleigh's son." Kill me.

-Kevin's reaction to Wymack talking about his mom is very validating of what I've always imagined he feels about her.

-"When he started thinking about rings he put himself on a plane home." *Holt's voice* VINDICATION!! I've seen people shit on Kayleigh way too often as some kind of cold-hearted bitch who cut Wymack out her life with no hesitation, but he left!! He failed to keep it casual so he left!! "He'd never called her again."

-"Coaches have no honor." Considering what we learned from Jean about Raven coaches... yeah, not shocking. (Did Kevin know Raven coaches were the exception while he was in the Nest? Or did he run to Wymack thinking all coaches are the same, that he would be beaten and punished but what made Wymack a good man was the he would allow him to stay? Did he have to slowly learn to trust that Wymack wouldn't hurt him like Jean with Rhemann?)

-"Your word is enough. Just yours." Throwignnn up :(

-"Nicky wasn't the only one so easily swayed" wait what. Is this about Andreil? Am I missing something? It's definitely about Andrew right?

-Nicky's terrible driving doesn't show up nearly enough in fics methinks.

[sugaroto]

So I've been thinking about this for a while,

I wanna put aftg characters into greek school categories

**Lemme explain real quick for the non Greeks, in 2nd grade of High school you have to choose between two paths Θεωρητική (Theoretical) and Θετική (Positive) [idk why it's called that]

So in the theoretical path you have 3 extra ancient Greek classes and 2 Latin that the positive kids don't

In the positive path you have 3 extra math and 2 physics classes

Positive kids keep insisting that the path class is completely different from what we do in class but us theoretical kids still try to figure out where we're gonna use numbers since we supposedly no longer need them**

So yeah I wanna put the aftg characters into Theoretical and Positive

First we have Kevin Day, who is a known history nerd, he would obviously choose the theoretical path that has extra history in the 3rd year

Then Aaron Minyard, as far as I know he wants to be a doctor right? Well in the 3rd year there are more paths (im not completely sure about all of them since I'm in 2nd year but-) to get into the "Health"(biology/chemistry etc that path is obviously for docs) path you need to go through the Positive one the year before (I think you can change paths too but it's easier that way)

Nicky would go to theoretical, 1 gays cant do math, 2 I saw a meme describing theoretical as "🏳️‍🌈", 3 he would read the "Kritias x Thiramenis" fic on wattpad (about the 2 dudes who were fighting all year long at the book of the 1st year) #enemiestolovers, 4 he would make fun of Mantitheus (my dude was talking in 2 paragraphs about his hair pls-), 5 he would probably complain (like my positive friend did) about how the introduction of Latin talks about the biggest poets of all the time and then the 1st poem you read is Ovidius crying and talking about himself in 3rd person

Idk what Andrew's relationship with math is but he has a perfect memory for theoretical classes

Neil.... I don't what the f*ck Neil would do. He loves math but he speaks like 5 languages and that's what theoretical is about. He'd probably choose Positive tho, since he enjoys math (wtf bro) and Latin and ancient Greek aren't languages he would use.

I think in 3rd year there's a path called "Economics" which is supposed to be the easiest out of the rest so I kinda feel Seth would've chosen that (I think you can get into it whatever you chose the 2nd year)

And I've no idea what the rest of the upperclassmen would choose but let's give it a go...

So Allison would be theoretical but one of the girls that are living it, like she would have 24 different highlighters and colorful notes like those⬇️(I didn't even read what it says,I'm pointing out the aesthetic) and maybe she would've number her highlighters like I did who knows (unfortunately I don't have pretty notes but you get the point)

Dan wants to be a coach right? I guess she'd be great at PE but, path? Idk maybe theoretical? (I know dead language sound difficult but it's a class you can get through? Somehow, well history in 3rd year is hell, but... idk... ) now that I thought about it idk.....

And Matt? I've no idea... maybe Economics with Seth?

Damn Neil why couldn't you pay more attention at their classes you're making my life difficult

And I almost forgot Renee, but she would be with Allison having aesthetic notes too. She looks like the girls that do. And she would be great at the classes too.

Edit: @winterxjxsmine pointed out that Seth would've gone to an "Επαλ"(Epal) (according to Google translate that's a) Vocational High School (I thought it was professional high school, but anyway)

That's the easiest choice. No paths. Easy classes and you're supposed to be teached about more in-hand jobs

However, Epals do have a bad reputation (that would fit Seth tbh)

Like you ask your mom if you can go to the epal cause it's easier and she says no cause she doesn't want you doing drugs

Epals are known for the "Epaliotes" (that's what the students that go there are called) that show up at school with a GLX (I don't even know what that is but I suppose it's a motorcycle) smoking in class, exchanging drugs with the teachers or threating them with guns (Ok,ok some are jokes taken too far but you get the point)

Some pics/memes about Epal I found on Google:

I can't find "Γελ" (general high school, you know the one with the paths) memes to compare cause it's spelled like "Gel" and Google thinks I'm talking about that thing you put in your hair

[palmett-hoes]

how do you think this fandom deals with "measuring" trauma? i've seen a couple posts detailing aaron's reaction to trauma/nicky's reaction//seth's/etc and it seems like some people have a tier list of trauma responses in regards to the foxes? like what's "acceptable" versus what isn't, and who's trauma was "enough" to make their actions excusable versus others. this doesn't make much sense but i hope you get where i'm coming from?

no no i get you don't worry

i think it’s something i used to see more said explicitly than i see it now. like i definitely remember a point in the fandom when ppl were very openly mad at aaron for the way he acted in the books and especially him not being “grateful” enough for all that andrew had “done for him.” additionally seth used to be used as a minor villain or an abusive ex in fics a lot more than i see now. then of course there was a period of calling out these trends and reminding ppl that these are books about trauma, not books about ethics, and that you really really can’t read them without attempting compassion for every character. they’re not books about who’s right and who’s wrong, they can’t really be read in terms of theory or ideology. they’re about survival and recovery.

i haven’t really seen those sentiments in the past few years tho, at least not as openly as they once were, nor have i seen the old posts recirculating. at the same time, i think that there’s less meta and character analysis being written in general so there’s also less debate in general. i don’t see the whole fandom tho, just who i follow and the stuff from the tags that shows up on my tl. if this stuff is actively still going on idk about it, though i’d like to think we as a collective have moved on from seeing trauma as a zero-sum game

additionally, because of the discourse period over them it seems like aaron and seth in particular are treated with extra care not to invalidate that they came from abusive situations and were shaped by that. i’d say it’s now seen as bad taste to openly denounce what a character has been through as “not enough”

however

measuring trauma isn’t always angry, it isn’t always saying to a character “you didn’t go through enough” or “he went through more so shut up.” measuring trauma can also be dismissive. it can take the form of simply choosing not to include it. of removing character traits or actions or topics that make us uncomfortable or are maybe complicated to approach. by removing them or replacing them or avoiding them and simply writing like they’re not there, you essentially get to the same place as saying “get over it” but instead you write them as having, well, gotten over it

so i do still see people measuring trauma it’s just not as outright anymore. instead it’s paring certain characters down for ease and digestibility, and simply not engaging with their trauma and circumstances

i would say i see this most often with the upperclassmen, dan, matt, and allison especially (and nicky even though he’s not an upperclassmen) (ik i mentioned him but seth content is still pretty few and far between) (renee’s trauma has the “rule of cool” so it still gets in there). i’ve mentioned before how sidelined the upperclassmen are in fan works and some of the unfortunate implications of that, but another dimension is not acknowledging or considering their individual backgrounds. they all come from some pretty fucked up circumstances and more than that they’re all SHAPED by those circumstances

in the books, they are all wary isolationists with attitude issues.  they can be mean, they can be nasty, and they can be violent. they come from poverty, abuse, neglect, drug addicition, gang violence, and sex trafficking. they are treated with extreme suspicion by their school, the media, their classmates, and their fellow athletes, and they respond with suspicion right back. their relationships with each other are often on thin ice. they treat neil the way they do - tolerate his puzzle pieces that don’t fit together right without questioning - because they can all recognize themselves in him. and on the flip side, neil is able to relate to them for the same reasons, because they are also wary dogs used to being hit

but then i so often see the upperclassmen used in ways that mostly imply they’re like,, mostly normal, chill, often quite woke. goofy and cool. they all grew up watching disney movies and going to carnivals. they get used as a contrast for neil and andrew to highlight their traumatized behavior and the extremity of their circumstances, and if their trauma gets mentionted at all it’s in passing and it doesn’t inform the way they act. their trauma isn’t sufficient to inform their actions so it just,, doesn’t factor in or get mentioned really and they’re all nice, friendly, happy-go-lucky neurotypicals who are trying to teach poor traumatized neil how to be normal. tell me that isn’t measuring trauma

it’s annoying, in all honesty, especially since it now seems to come in a form that’s hard to call out because it’s no longer content that actually states a bad opinion so much as it is a lack of content or consideration for certain characters, pushing them further and further into the background and giving them increasingly more vague, palatable, and relatable characterizations.

in fact, it often comes off as praise, by ascribing them positive traits like nicky being a good guardian for the twins or allison being super knowledgeable about lgbt stuff or dan being a “queen” or matt being a “himbo” and because this is all good stuff it’s fine, right? it’s better than canon actually, right? except actually what it is is dismissive of their trauma and individual experiences. it’s a series of easily digestible filler words used to make the messy, ugly, complicated characters of canon softer and easier to swallow

also this is by no means restricted to the upperclassmen it’s just the one that slips most through the cracks. i definitely see this happening to andrew, too, but it works in slightly different ways and is a whole other discussion

[percontaion-points]

King’s Men chapter 4

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions.

Chapter 4

"If we knew what Andrew had against us, we could try to fight it," Dan said.

JFC, I don't think that three books is enough to cover all of Andrew's psychological issues in the depth that Dan is asking about.

And I say this as a casual psychology hobbyist.

"Feels like we're right back where we started in August," Matt agreed.

"If we knew what Andrew had against us, we could try to fight it," Dan said.

[…]

"I can try. But," he continued, with a glance between them, "someone needs to work on Aaron. Nicky wants to be your friend and Kevin knows the team is stronger as a whole, but Aaron's almost as dead-set against us as Andrew is.”

It's like the second book literally never happened. What was the goddamned point of it even if the second everybody comes back following the winter break, and everybody hit the “character reset” button?

That was one of the things reporters had liked harping about most when Kevin became a permanent fixture at Andrew's side: Kevin was raised at Evermore, surrounded by the best and practically born with a racquet in his hand, whereas Andrew learned Exy while he was locked up in juvie. Neil had a page-long article about it in his notebook. It was crassly titled "The Prince and the Pauper", and its focus was on how doomed their friendship was. The writer thought their attitudes toward Exy too incompatible and their backgrounds too different for them to stay together long.

Imagine getting the assignment of writing about the bromance between two college sports players.

Like looking down at what you'd just finished writing and going “Haha, I got a journalism degree.”

"I'm not a striker by choice, either," he said. "I was a backliner in little leagues. Riko remembers because I scrimmaged with him and Kevin.”

I think the weirdest thing about Neil's personality is just that... it was already established that he played literally one game of exy when he was little, on orders of the mob boss to see if he couldn't turn Neil into an exy puppet, like Kevin and Riko. And then his mom took him and they went on the run.

Like literally one game. But Neil decided to turn this singular game into a goddamned personality trait.

"Exy is the shiny object of your sad little world. You know you're being hunted and you know the hounds are closing in, but you won't let go to save yourself. You once told me you don't understand why a person would actively try to die, but here you are. I guess that was another lie."

I think that the worst goddamned part of this stupid series is how AWARE that it is.

Yet, it makes lines like this constant, about how sports isn't a personality, etc etc... BUT IT DOES NOTHING TO ACTUALLY FIX THE PROBLEMS THAT IT'S HIGHLIGHTING.

At the end of the day, the only thing that this line will be will be a throw-away line. Not a moment for self-reflection, not a reason to want to change, not a warning to the reader not to turn a hobby into your sole personality.

Nope. Just a dumb moment of being too self-aware yet not aware enough to do anything about the problem being highlighted.

“Aaron cut a deal with Andrew at juvie: if Andrew stuck with him until graduation, Aaron would stick with Andrew. No friends, no girlfriends, nothing. Aaron couldn't even socialize with his teammates."

Part of me gets it.

But most of me is just sitting there being “wow. Do you see how shitty and abusive that this is? If he was a boyfriend, we'd all be screaming for the one to get away from such a toxic situation. Why the hell is this somehow different?”

"You were right. They made a promise. Aaron and Andrew, I mean. That's what Aaron told Katelyn, anyway. Aaron cut a deal with Andrew at juvie: if Andrew stuck with him until graduation, Aaron would stick with Andrew. No friends, no girlfriends, nothing. Aaron couldn't even socialize with his teammates."

Neil combed his fingers through his hair and tested the bandage on his cheek. "Aaron would have meant high school graduation. They renewed it when they signed a contract to play here."

"Now Katelyn's in the picture, but Aaron won't fight for her."

Okay... So is Aaron just going to continue to put his life on hold for Andrew's mental illness forever? Literally none of this is remotely healthy.

"This is a joke," Dan said, grabbing Neil's chin. "Neil?"

"He told me to transfer to the Ravens," Neil said. "He said I could finish this year with the Foxes but that I'd move to Edgar Allan this fall. They inked me in preparation and I couldn't stop them. I wanted you to know in case Riko says something about it. I'm still a Fox no matter what he says. I wouldn't sign his papers."

WHY THE FUCK DID THEY NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. THEY LITERALLY PUT MAKE-UP ON HIM EVERY DAY TO COVER HIS BRUISES.

"You never had any plans to go home for Christmas, did you? That whole mess about your uncle flying to Arizona—you made that up so we wouldn't ask too many questions or wonder why you weren't going to New York with Kevin."

Nothing quite like being a day late and a dollar short.

"Nightmares," Neil echoed. It wasn't the turn he'd thought this conversation would take but he could guess what was tearing Aaron apart. "About November, you mean."

"He doesn't want it to bother him," Katelyn said.

My usual sentiment of “THERAPY?! LOL WHAT'S THAT?!” is way too on the nose with this. Please refer back to the previous chapter commentary for my full opinion on this matter.

He got up and left, and she didn't call after him.

Chapter 4 summary: Some time passes, and Neil is given the approval to continue playing again. After practice, he talks with some of the others over how the team had been together towards the end of the fall semester, but now it's like that never happened.

Back at the dorm, Neil randomly thinks about how Andrew hates exy so much. He thinks about some of Andrew's background, of how he'd been introduced to exy while he was in juvie. Kind of the opposite of Kevin, in Neil's opinion. Andrew and Neil then have a long-ish conversation about what exy means to them, but again, the two of them are kind of polar opposites about the entire thing. Andrew keeps telling Neil not to make the game his singular personality trait, but Neil... doesn't listen. What else is new. Immediately following this, Neil leaves to return to his usual nighly practices with Kevin. Who promptly reminds both Neil as well as the reader that Kevin has exactly one personality trait, and it's exy. (Granted, there is a history of Kevin's abuse, but the book literally never goes into that. Oh no, the only one we gotta talk about is Andrew.)

The next morning, Matt tells Neil that the twins made an agreement when they were in high school to stick together. However, when they signed at the university, they basically renewed their promise. And the short of it is that Andrew is holding Aaron emotionally hostage, as well as the idea of Aaron's future (ie a wife and kids). They're positive that if Andrew found out about Aaron's secret relationship with Katelyn, Andrew would hurt her. Neil decides to play dirty and get them into the same room together to talk it out with Betsy, and Katelyn would be the leverage against Aaron.

Later, the girls randomly find out about Neil's tattoo, despite them being up close and personal with his face because of make-up. They then piece together what Neil actually did over his break, which... again... a day late and a dollar short.

Neil later meets up with Katelyn in the library to rope her in on getting Aaron the help he needs, and to get him out from under the manipulative thumb of his brother. He convinces her to stop being the victim caught in between the Aaron/Andrew situation, but she doesn't exactly give an actual answer right away.

[xlady-saya]

I want this touch to be familiar [Ch 5. final]

Relationships: andrew/neil, side aaron/katelyn

Summary: Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It’s not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil’s hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he’s forced to acknowledge how much he’s allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

Tags: first time fic, p*rn with feelings, relationship study, fluff and communication, multichapter

Read on ao3!

Neil misses another pass. It's the fifth time, a new and pathetic record for the stubborn striker. It's so unlike him, but Andrew's blood runs hot from something that's not anger...not worry.

Neil would normally be beside himself, huffing and fuming from the endless mistakes he's making, even at a practice. He's not though.

Andrew watches as the ball rebounds off the plexiglass and rolls along the court, no one making a move to stop it. Not even Kevin, though Andrew will blame that on the steam coming out of his ears. He hasn't snapped yet.

This time when Neil misses, there's a noticeable tension. Dan and Matt shoot each other concerned looks while the others glance at Neil in ways they think are subtle.

They're not, but Neil is oblivious. Andrew's gaze lingers on the flushed skin of his cheeks, the little jump in every step he takes. Troublesome.

The team continues to stare, searching for proof of panic or fear from Neil, maybe rifling through the dates of the week for any bad anniversaries or triggering memories. But they will find none, Andrew knows. And even so...

Neil is smiling like an absolute idiot.

Andrew's stomach swoops involuntarily, and he tightens his grip around his own racquet. If Neil doesn't stop prancing around then Andrew will have to make a repeat of their first meeting.

Either Neil's unaware of his piss poor playing or he doesn't care. Neither does Andrew, not when Neil keeps turning to look at him like that. There's a skip in Neil's step, a recognizable giddiness as he runs to and fro without direction. He simply has the energy, the mindlessness to do it. The redhead turns around and moves to another random spot on the court, looking up at Andrew every few seconds and beaming. Andrew knows his expression betrays nothing, but he wonders if Neil can tell there's something...light, airy, about him.

He feels untethered to the ground, and it's unsettling for someone who hates falling so much. Yet, Andrew can't find it in himself to actually be uncomfortable.

He tracks his eyes up and down Neil's frame, watching him rock on the balls of his feet, fidgety...

There's a noticeable limp, one Neil isn't trying at all to hide. Still, Neil is lively. When Andrew locks gazes with him, there's nothing but excitement and something too soft for Andrew to name, a layer of vulnerability that sends the helium inside him spiking. Andrew almost crouches, to avoid floating away.

Andrew knows why the limp is there. After all, it's his doing, but not his fault. It doesn't feel like something guilt ridden, when Neil can't stop staring at him like he just wants to be cocooned up with Andrew in the nearest bed.

Of course, the horrible thought had tried to manifest. He saw Neil limping the morning after they went all the way, muscles worked raw from too many overzealous rounds. Andrew had encouraged his own pleasure for once, and he wondered if that meant he'd taken things too far. He'd begun to worry about if he'd still managed to cause Neil pain, agony. The one thing he'd been so desperate to avoid.

But then he remembered Neil's equal encouragement, the push of his hips with every one of Andrew's thrusts. Wanted, welcomed. The horrible thought that Andrew had somehow hurt Neil by chasing his own desire over and over had no chance to survive in the face of Neil's earnestness, the eagerness. When Neil stretched out his sore muscles the next day, the wince hadn't been one of pain, but satisfaction.

A good ache. Andrew has to squint at the choice of words, but there's no other way to describe it.

Andrew never thought that would be possible, that he could give someone that. Yet here Neil is, jogging around despite the soreness, relishing in it. Neil looks...happy.

Andrew shivers, thinking of the nail marks on his back that itch deliciously, the burn of his calves. The handprints and sensory memories don't make him cringe or grimace, they are not burdens. He doesn't feel used, or degraded, and Neil doesn't look like he does either.

It is the exact opposite of how Andrew thought he could feel after something like that, after giving, taking.

As if yearning for Andrew's gaze again, Neil snaps his head over to him while Dan attempts to give another run down of the next play. Neil's clearly not listening. Andrew watches him put weight on his better leg, and then Neil waves.

He fucking waves, and it's so stupid, so pitiful. Neil's smile is so giddy, it twists Andrew up inside. He can't begin to place what all those emotions are, only that he never thought they'd be there.

Neil confounds Andrew, day by day, minute by minute.

Andrew waves back, a lazy, almost mocking thing, but it has a powerful result anyways. He gets to watch Neil's eyes brighten considerably while he goes to wipe his bangs out of his face. Andrew's glad he'd ditched the helmet for a moment.

Andrew's muscles twitch. It's just a wave, yet Neil acts like it's the highlight of his day. Andrew's attention. As if he doesn't always have it in some way or another.

As if Andrew hasn't been staring at Neil just as much all day long. That's the big admission, evidence Andrew doesn't want to acknowledge. Despite his attempts to deny the urge, to squash it, Andrew had been powerless in this. Neil's presence is so apparent to him today, like the only spot of color on a black and white canvas. Andrew nearly rocks forward on the balls of his own feet, but he stops himself.

He draws the line at that, at allowing his body to give away how badly it wants to be next to Neil. How badly it yearns to leave practice with Neil in tow.

Andrew's not even sure why he changed out, but the thought of not being in close proximity to Neil had been something he couldn't fight.

Pathetic. But he followed his instincts.

Realistically, Andrew knows what this extra strong magnetic pull between them is. He and Neil are typically aware of each other, in sync, but not to this degree of distraction.

Andrew would hate to admit being like anyone else, but he knows clinginess isn't exactly abnormal after having sex for the first time. People go nuts with it, glued at the hip, ready for more, wanting to touch all the time no matter how small the gesture.

And for once, Andrew is no different. The only separation from other mindless people is that he knows the reality of this. This feeling, so strong now because of the novelty of it, will fade. He and Neil will go back to normal after they've gotten used to this new layer of their intimacy. Their levels of desire will even out; they won't go away, but they won't be this overwhelming, this much of a need.

And regardless of that knowledge, Andrew can't find an ounce of disappointment. How is that? He should grimace, vindicated in his belief that all things end. He should walk away, appeased with this proof that all feelings are fleeting.

But, he doesn't, because he doesn't feel that way at all. To acknowledge that he feels good in any way is another thing to pick apart, but doesn't surprise him on a day like this. And besides he knows the answer to his main question.

The feelings itself might be fleeting, but what will be left after it is gone...isn't anything bad. He's not bored with what's underneath all this.

He's not bored with Neil, not done with him, in any form.

Should he be concerned about this weakness, this softness? He's not sure. He doesn't care in the moment. Because even when this new excitement fades, when the 'honeymoon phase' of their first time dissolves, there will still be Neil.

Neil, who is all bad attitude, infuriating grins, and stubbornness. He will still look at Andrew in that way Andrew can't handle, he'll still be by his side with an understanding Andrew never thought he'd find from anyone. Neil, who never had to try to keep Andrew's interest anyways.

Andrew once told Neil he would get bored of him eventually, but he wonders at what point he'll have to start classifying that statement as an untruth. Not a lie, because Andrew does not lie, but something in need of revision. The silver bracelet in his pocket weighs heavy, and Andrew hopes Neil will understand the singular, boring charm on it.

A shackle, tying the plain silver chain together.

Andrew's need to feel hatred for the gesture, for Neil in general, used to be easy to summon. And now...

Neil's eyes fly to him again, and yup, there it is. Neil bites his lip, and Andrew leans forward, eyes on fire.

Now, he's gone too far to turn back. He's found Neil, and has been found in the process, whether he likes it or not.

He will have to tell Bee later next week, because he's sure she'll take some ridiculous joy in the admission: he's starting not to mind it.

Ah, to be known, indeed.

A shot flies past him, lighting up the goal. It's swift, merciless. Andrew hadn't even moved to stop it, hadn't been aware of it at all. The buzzer rings, obnoxious and deafening across the court. Even Neil freezes.

Oh. This'll be annoying.

Andrew barely has time to take it all in before Kevin is stalking over to him, and Dan sighs behind him, calling their little group into a huddle by the goal. They leave some confused freshman (and a very smug Renee) in their wake, but they just seem happy to have a break from Kevin's ruthlessness.

Allison is the only one who looks delighted instead of confused, and Andrew refuses to give her more ammo for the countless bets she has.

Kevin's helmet hits the court from how frustrated he is when he rips it off, eyes burning into Andrew's blank expression. Andrew realizes he has to pry his eyes from seeking out Neil again.

Oh Kevin, always interfering with his agenda.

And, because Andrew is an asshole and has already been caught, he takes a page from Neil's book. "Would you look at that Kevin. I missed."

Nicky and Matt both inhale sharply while Neil smirks, and Kevin finally snaps.

His accusatory hand flies out to point at Neil, and then at Andrew. "What the fuck is wrong with you two?"

Kevin isn't all hopeless, because he knows Andrew won't answer. He stares at Neil expectantly, but Neil's still looking right at Andrew, probably just relieved they're a lot closer now.

Andrew would just have to take a few steps to touch him...

"Nothin," Neil says with a shrug, and it's uncharacteristically followed by a small laugh. It's a near giggle, one usually reserved for Andrew in rare moments, and Andrew almost lets a glare slip at the thought of the others hearing it. He scolds himself for being that stupid, as brainless as Neil.

Aaron is the only one who's caught on to their weird mood, and Andrew refuses to look at his twin when he speaks. "I don't want to know."

Allison's smile is shark-like. "I definitely want to know."

Neil is squirming again, though not because of the conversation. Andrew, because he's not as smart as he thinks, accidentally let his gaze fall to Neil's neck.

"Ah relax Kevin, practice is almost over anyways," Nicky says, throwing up his hands. "It's Friday! Let them be lazy."

Kevin spins on him, and Nicky mutters something that sounds suspiciously like 'goddammit.' "What does that have to do with anything?" Kevin seethes, whipping his head to Neil. It takes a second to get Neil to look at him. "Neil, might I remind you we have a--"

"A game next week, mhm," Neil answers flippantly, twisting in place before looking back at Andrew. If Andrew cared to, he'd be smirking. "Are we going to Columbia this weekend?"

It's a question entirely for Andrew, the underlying implication being that they'll have their own room if they do, but the chorus follows.

"I'm staying with Katelyn," Aaron answers, with a small tint to his cheeks. Predictable, though can Andrew talk right then?

Nicky slumps over on the ground, as if he's actually been putting in real work during practice. "Hells yeah, I need a drink."

Kevin doesn't take well to being ignored, what a shock.

"We need to practice, Neil," he tries again, and that finally gets Neil to face him fully, expression unamused.

"I can handle it Kevin, I don't have any other choice but to play well," Neil jokes morbidly. Andrew's pretty sure he's the only one who appreciates it, but it's inaccurate. Nothing is taking Neil away from him again. The team winces at the callousness, but Neil plows on unperturbed and with an air of arrogance. "Which I always do."

Kevin looks like he doesn't know whether to strangle Neil or appreciate the confidence. It's so Kevin-like it makes Andrew want to roll his eyes.

But no, it's still all Neil. It's all instigation and the need to rile people up. Andrew really wants practice to be over.

"You heard him," Andrew says, and even Neil blinks in surprise. Andrew doesn't normally compliment Neil openly, it's too much affection for him to share or admit to. Yet, the implication is clear. It's the closest Neil will get to praise right then, and he looks ecstatic about it.

Andrew cannot stand it.

Matt and Dan snort off to the side; they didn't used to be so supportive of Neil's relationship with Andrew, but lately they seem to delight in what they call their 'bizarre flirting.'

Kevin stares at Andrew long and hard, as if that'll make him produce words in Kevin's favor. Andrew meets the gaze with some difficulty, but only because Neil is radiating 'I'm over here' energy so unabashedly.

Kevin inhales sharply, grabbing his helmet off the ground like someone would slam the door after a fight.

"Just block the damn goal," Kevin orders, and Andrew's not sure he will. He'll try not to be so unaware the next time though, if only to save him from this headache. Kevin points his racquet at his fellow striker in warning. "Neil--"

"Right, gotcha," Neil says, waving him off. Kevin storms away, and Matt actually does laugh then as he follows, the team spreading out. Allison huffs from the lack of answers, but leaves them be. She's smarter than she looks too.

However, Neil doesn't move. He rocks in front of Andrew's goal, and Andrew thinks he's actually standing closer than he was a few seconds ago.

Neil smiles that stupid smile, soft at the edges and expectant. He has to know Andrew won't kiss him here, but...Andrew wants to.

To want, to want, to want.

The same mantra from before isn't as heavy as it once was. The swarm in his head is gone, but the implications are not.

"Junkie," Andrew warns, because if Neil doesn't get back into place Kevin will really bitch them out and they'll never get to Columbia.

"That's me," Neil answers with a dangerous glint. They both know they're not talking about exy.

"Go," Andrew warns, pushing his racquet into Neil's chest. He tries not to watch Neil's limp when he stumbles, the satisfaction making the heat in his abdomen swirl.

Neil lets that laugh loose again, and Andrew drinks it up, now that's it's only for his ears.

"Okay," Neil whispers, eyes losing the teasing glint for just a moment. A different feeling takes them over, soft and sure. Andrew meets the gaze this time, unable to look away. He feels seen, and there's no 'but' or need to deny it. It's just…how he feels. Andrew is starting to believe that just sitting in that feeling, without analyzing it, might be alright every now and again. Neil waves again as he walks backwards, only turning when he absolutely has to. "Bye!"

It's unnecessary, and Andrew shakes his head. His face feels hot, but Andrew finds his response comes automatically. "Bye..."

Andrew entertains the idea that he already floated away long ago, and cannot hope to reach the ground again. But it's fine, since the air up here is fairly stable.

Neil jogs around the court some more, missing passes and looking back over at Andrew any chance he gets. Andrew stares right back, with no intention of stopping, and even indulges Neil every now and again with the tilt of his head or concealed expression.

Andrew misses a shot again about ten minutes later, letting the ball fly by his face without even looking at it. Luckily, it's the end of practice, so he can drown out Kevin's protests.

He had a good excuse; he has better things to keep track of than shots at the goal.

Kevin grumbles his displeasure all the way off the court, but Andrew stays where he is, waiting for Neil to jog over like he's been wanting to do since they stepped foot in the stadium.

It'd been the longest practice of Andrew's life, he realizes, and then shakes his head at himself for being so dramatic. Neil smirks at him, like he knows it.

And oh, he probably does.

The sight of Neil coming towards him breaks even Andrew's self-control, and he dares to take a step forward. It feels oddly right, not weak.

He meets Neil halfway, and ignores the sound of Nicky's voice, immediately followed by Aaron's loud retch when his cousin asks:

"Hey Neil, why are you walking so funny?"

[fallingin-like]

november 16

l’amour parle en fleus by @scribbleb-red [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post! 

this is a wonderful and heartbreaking fic that deals with grief and the beauty of life. it is soft and sweet, while dealing with hard topics and loss. this fic is incomplete.

disclaimer: i reviewed this fic when it had 7 chapters, so no comments on chapter 8. sorry!

this fic was stunning and i was blown away by your amazing descriptions and imagery. everything is so vivid and feels real. i was so interested in the little pieces of andrew and neil’s stories and how they pieced together to bring them to this story.

parts that stood out to me:

”he had cut himself free of the roots of his past and planted new ones, blooming in a country that should never have belonged to him, yet matched the varying shades of his soul” wow, this is such a beautiful beginning to the story, the wording you used makes it read like poetry, especially the last part of the sentence

”not on that sun-drenched afternoon” oh this is wonderful

”bruises had stiffened his face into a mask” i love the way that you wrote this

it breaks my heart to see how affected andrew is by aaron’s death. although he tries his best to show it outwardly, andrew gave up so much of himself to protect aaron

ooh the house/property you’ve described sounds so nice. do you have something specific (like an existing house) that you’re referencing?

”maybe he’d make it a challenge to sleep in all of them” whatamood andrew

”the air was clean and full of grass, as if it had only ever been breathed by wild things” oh, this is so nice

cats! sounds like a dream, to be in a bnb and find out they have cats

it sounds like fun to read a book that someone has annotated. so much that you can learn about them through how they react to the events in the novel in comparison to what you feel or think

”liked how steady and quiet king was, how sir vocalised every time they wanted something” love that you had andrew highlight these characteristics, it seems very in character

”the sound of footsteps approaching an unlockable door” EXCUSE ME DID YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST SLIDE THIS IN AFTER “a number plate, a smile, a mist rising over a river” AND THINK I WOULD NOT NOTICE. LIKE IT’S NOT A DEVASTATING SENTENCE.

”his was a skull full of a thousand momento mori. aaron was just the latest” woah what a powerful two sentences

how cute that andrew keeps all of neil’s notes! sounds like something i would do haha

ohmygoodness neil singing is bringing me back to my french classes from a long long time ago (i can remember enough to kind of work out the english translations loool)

”because worst of all, nathaniel never seemed to notice him back. it rankled… didn’t the idiot care that he was killing the world over with that voice?” yeah okay andrew, you keep thinking that’s the reason you hate that neil doesn’t notice you.

woah you descriptions of the outside is absolutely gorgeous. the colours, descriptions, and imagery are so wonderful and overwhelming and beautiful. i get so lost in the sheer volume of it all, i forget about andrew’s anger (as i’m sure he also does, a little)

andrew picking up his cigarette butt is so lovely and fitting for this section of the story

AH IT’S NEIL

”and, as the folds of material were plucked at by the wind’s childish fingers, andrew followed the sharp lines of his collarbones, the smattering of freckles, strangely warped and wefted flesh” I LOVE THIS. the wording you used is absolutely amazing

NEIL HAS PIERCINGS AND HE KEEPS LAVENDER IN THEM THIS IS THE BEST

oh, the story of aaron giving andrew his hat is so soft, such a wonderful thing shared between the two of them. it’s so small, but for us who know how much of a struggle everything is with them, a constant push and pull, it’s everything.

neil’s loft sounds so nice, how did you come up with this idea?

also prickly neil is great, i love that you have this shortly after andrew goes to touch a plant and gets pricked because of it

”a stab of hatred lanced through andrew’s stomach, white-hot, easy. sweat rolled down the centre of his back, a sour coating filled the back of his throat” ahh your descriptions are so so good

”andrew replied, popping the ‘p’ like an eyeball under a thumb.” exCUSE ME LIKE WHAT??

also i am very much a fan of neil being super strong

uhhHHHH neil has a tongue piercing?? i think andrew actually vapourized in that moment

orange! tractor! adorable!

”apathy, his brain supplied, the opposite of anger, the inverse of hate” oh this is interesting. i guess i always automatically thought of love, but when i think of this, it seems so right. hate, anger are such strong emotions, overtaking everything, making it hard to think, feeling so so much, but the absence of that feeling? oh

”and neil was leaning forward, plucking the cigarette from andrew’s fingers and taking a drag, smoke spilling between his teeth when he grinned a grin like a knife blade. andrew felt it in his gut” !!! this!!!

”addiction left people brittle. left them dry as kindling and just as easy to burn” woah

i really cannot handle these boys

NEIL IS MISSING PART OF HIS FINGER, OH MY GOODNESS I AM LOSING IT HERE. 

amazing bit about the garden, never thought about it that way. it’s so true

honestly, there is just so so much to unpack. love your description of the buzzing andrew is feeling, i really like hearing andrew’s thought process, how everything turns back to aaron, love the way that, even now, he can read neil so well

THE TWINYARD EMBRACE. THE WAY THEY HOLD EACH OTHER. “‘you killed him,’ andrew said. ‘you killed her,’ replied aaron.” THIS ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT THEY HAVE PROTECTED EACH OTHER. THE BEGINNING OF JOINT THERAPY. THEY WAY THAT THEY SLOWLY LEARN TO LOVE EACH OTHER IN A WAY THAT’S MORE HEALTHY.

ahhhhh andrew talking to neil? this is so so good to see his progress, to see how he’s working through his grieving

oh boy, loving the little rivalry that eduard brings, the kind of tension heh

this town/market sounds amazing, so beautiful

IN THE GAME. OH DANG EDUARD YOU ARE NOT THE FARMER BOY WHO HAS THE HOTS FOR NEIL THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE

”’well… like an american,’ said neil, like it explained everything. and it did, like a fire hissing out in the rain, andrew felt his shoulders relax, his ire cool” ahh so nice.

”because neil was so much give, when andrew needed to take” oh this is so interesting!

”neil shouldn’t be allowed to just vanish” AHH

”andrew shouldn’t have lashed out, sneered at neil’s story and spot on his honesty” NOOO ANDREW WHY

”his scars were the noughts to andrew’s crosses” oh this is so nice (like, not nice, but you know)

woah it’s really interesting hearing neil’s story while also having andrew’s commentary available with his knowledge from school. to see the personal side of it and also what was portrayed to the public

as much as i love neil with long curly hair, him with a buzzed look has me interested. paired with his cheekbones and his eyes, woahhhhh

”it looked like he’d been bled of life, colours fading until he became a negative of himself or an older version of the hollow-eyed teenager from the newspapers all those years ago.” i think this is my favourite sentence of this fic so far. makes me hurt.

AARON USED TO CALL ANDREW A TURNIP THAT IS SO ADORABLE I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME TURNIP (wait i just looked up what it means and although it is true i have no brains i was thinking in an affectionate way. turnips look really cute and are tiny lol)

ahhh neil in his bed in the barn during the storm ;-;

i love how you incorporated consent into andrew anchoring neil from his panic with the hand on his neck

ohmygoodness i cannot believe that neil has a PALMETTO HOODIE WITH A NAME AND NUMBER ON IT AH

”they took long walks through the fields and along the mountain paths, navigating the rocky terrain of andrew’s grief and neil’s jagged history that came so painfully close to intertwining with andrew’s own” oh this is such a beautiful sentence

NEIL HAS WATCHED ANDREW’S INTERVIEWS EXCUSE ME WHAT THAT IS SO CUTE

”he caught his reflection in the mirror and saw only himself” THIS IS AMAZING. what a transition that we get to see andrew experience

”for months andrew’s mind was a jagged thing, not knowing what he wanted or what he needed” !!

ooh love the acknowledgement that younger andrew would have denied his feelings but he’s more mature now and is more in tune with his emotions and wants!! amazing

”dinner with neil was an abundant thing. odd choice of word, but it was the only way andrew could describe it” it is an odd choice, but at the same time i think i understand it?

oh. andrew’s dream of aaron in the field. it’s so sad and soft and makes me feel blurry around the edges. what a contrast to the evening with neil. i like it though. you don’t just get over grieving. it gets better and it gets worse. it comes back again and again, even when you think it will not return. “wait for me. wait for me” i love what this adds, it feels so right

”andrew pressed every lane and shady square between the pages of his memory” so wonderful

PARLE EN FLEURS. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW.

woah aaron’s story was intense and well-told. things make a lot more sense now.

love that andrew sends nicky pictures to show everything, to share without words. they have such a unique relationship, they both care so much but are so different in the way that they show it sometimes it clashes

”it’s not the kind of pain that can be quantified. and it will still hurt in a year, in five, in ten”

i mostly skimmed the last chapter because i know that i easily internalize the thoughts and feelings that come when people write depression. 

i love the way that you structured this fic. the chapter titles are perfect because throughout the fic we see andrew’s healing and grieving. it’s subtle, but he clearly shifts through the different stages that you include and i’m really impressed by how seamlessly you incorporated that into the fic. the fic’s focus slowly transfers from aaron to neil so naturally that you almost don’t notice it until you take a step away for a moment.

you do such a marvelous job with the descriptions of this fic, i liked so so many sentences that i could not possibly mention them all. the town and the fields and the surroundings sound so beautiful and stunning, you made everything so vibrant and alive. all the colours and textures and words that you used really established an amazing backdrop to the story you wrote.

and the story, i loved your approach to this, it’s very realistic. the interactions between andrew and neil are pure and natural and don’t seem forced. you created complicated, intricate relationships between all the characters, brought up the difficulty of expressing emotions and feelings with people, and trust that was built. i liked the way that you wrote the characters, and i adore neil with his flower piercings. thank you so much for writing this fic! i can’t wait to see what comes next!

[aelysalthea]

From the Bleachers - Chapter 2

The crowd went wild. The cheers and screams, the hollers and shouts of excitement, were deafening. Even through the television, Tyler was all but blown away by the sheer force of it.

That wasn't why he stared open-mouthed at the screen, though.

"Holy shit," Jen muttered at his side.

On the television, the two teams walked slowly towards one another. Hands were shaken, heads nodded, and rackets finally fully lowered to signify the proper end of the match. Orange and white, tan and black.

"Is that really…?" Toni said before trailing off, for once in his life rendered speechless.

The commentators spoke, words glowing with praise and enthusiasm. Tyler heard them, listened to their commendations, but none of it quite registered. His gaze was focused on the corner of the screen that still showed the court, the players as they filed off, and he mentally checked them off in his head.

Danielle Wilds, the captain and dealer alongside Allison Reynolds. Matthew Boyd, Aaron Minyard, and Nicholas Hemmick, the three backliners. Renee Walker and Andrew Minyard as the goalkeepers, and Kevin Day, fucking Kevin Day, alongside Seth Gordon as the strikers.

And Neil. Neil Josten, the rookie striker, who was –

"Fuck, he's really good."

The words finally drew Tyler's gaze away from the screen towards the voice who had spoken. Julian, one of the new Dingos strikers, was staring as open-mouthed and incredulously at the screen. He, like the other new recruits, turned that incredulity onto Tyler and the rest of his original team with expectancy that demanded explanation.

Tyler didn't have an explanation. Not for what he'd just seen.

Neil had been good when Tyler had played with him. A little reserved, a quiet player just like he was with everything at school, but definitely good and unabashedly committed to the game. He'd been improving too, or he had been from what Tyler could see. He'd never paid much attention to him until Hernandez had decided to put him on the court as a starting striker.

But even then, Tyler hadn't really noticed. He hadn't properly seen. He definitely hadn't seen the kind of playing that he'd just witnessed on the television of Jen's living room that they'd appropriated for the sole purpose of watching the opening game as a team. Pizza and pizza boxes lay scattered and abandoned around the room, and Tyler didn't think anyone had said a word or taken a bite since at least half time. Watching every pass and every goal had consumed the attention of everyone in the room, and the attentive silence was broken only by groans, shouts of protest, and murmurs of admiration.

The Millport Dingos had become nothing if not ardent fans of the Palmetto State Foxes since the beginning of term. How could they not be when one of their own was a primary player? Neil might have been a student at their school for only a year, but he'd still played on their team. He was still one of theirs.

Tyler had been as enthusiastic as the rest of his teammates in learning everything about the Foxes he could. Alongside his rapidly growing worship of the team, a team that was as violent and broken as they were small, he'd grown to learn exponentially more of each of its players. From Andrew Minyard's psychotic tendencies to Allison Reynolds' wealthy family ties, he'd painted a picture of each Fox in the weeks since he'd discovered Neil had joined their line.

As such, it became quickly apparent that Tyler knew next to nothing about Neil. No one on the team did or had. He had never seen Neil's parents, never exchanged more than a word or two with him, and didn't know the first thing about him other than that he managed well enough at school not to fail, was a bit of a loner, but was nonetheless the subject of more than a few crushes of the girls in Tyler's year. That was it.

But the Foxes were specifically chosen. Tyler had heard rumours of that fact, but they'd been confirmed with barely more than a single shovelful of digging on the internet. David Wymack recruited from broken families and shattered pasts. Hernandez hadn't spoken a word of any of Neil's troubled history and Tyler hadn't expected him to, but… really? Neil had it bad enough that he was eligible to be a Fox? Tyler almost didn't want to know what bumped him up to such standards.

What he would like to know, however, was how in the hell Neil had gotten that good.

"He's gotten, like, heaps better," Toni said, still staring at the television screen. "Like, heaps."

"He was always good," Jen said.

"But not that good," Noah said.

"What's he been doing, practicing twenty-four seven for the past few months?" Toni asked, finally turning towards the rest of the team.

Tyler could only shrug, though he couldn't help but agree. The game he'd just witnessed had been insanely impressive. Watching college-level exy was one thing, but Class I was entirely another. The Breckenridge Jackals were fierce, their ranks impressive, but the Foxes had met them where they were rather than being bulldozed. Kevin Day was practically a god on the court, even playing right-handed, Andrew Minyard was a demon in the goals, and Renee Walker only slightly less impressive because she was implicitly compared to him, and Matthew Boyd was a barrelling force like a single-man army in defence.

And Neil. Neil was really good.

Not as good as Gordon, maybe. Definitely not as good as Day, but few people were. And yet even having paid him barely any notice beyond that of a fellow teammate, Tyler knew Neil had improved out of sight. More than that –

"He plays totally differently," he said, turning back to the screen as it began playbacks of the match. "I swear, he's really different."

"Better," Toni said.

"Yeah, but it's more than that." Tyler gestured to the screen as it ran through a playback that showed a brilliant pass between Neil and Day. It seemed to be following through with a series of Neil's highlights, for a moment later the screen displayed a purely exceptional goal that Tyler knew the Neil he'd played with wouldn't have been capable of. "He's way more aggressive then he was. Right?"

A glance at his teammates showed incomprehension in some and tentative agreement in others. Only Noah, perhaps the one person in the team as dedicated to watching professional exy as Tyler was, nodded in fervent agreement.

"Definitely," he said. "He's like a different player."

"I don't know," Jen said slowly. "I always got the impression he was holding back a bit."

Tyler turned a frown towards her. "What?"

She shrugged, reaching for her abandoned plate of pizza. "You might not have seen it quite so much, being a striker and up there with him, but at the other end of the court I got to watch him more. He always seemed to be holding himself back, I reckon."

Tyler exchanged a glance with Noah, who appeared just as surprised as Tyler felt. "Really?" Tyler asked.

Jen shrugged again. "I mean, I'm surprised, for sure. But less surprised than if, say, Toni appeared after a couple of months playing on a college court like he was meant to be there."

Toni didn't even protest to the truth of her words, and Tyler couldn't blame him. He certainly wouldn't have claimed himself capable of improving to such standards.

Turning to the television, Tyler tuned back into the commentators as they proceeded in their rundown of the match. His eyes were glued to the screen, snapping into focus whenever a Fox appeared in a re-run, but his mind was elsewhere. Obsessing, some might say – some like his younger brother who had bullied him off the computer at home numerous times in the past weeks with complaints that he was "using up all the internet when you geek out like that". Tyler would admit that yes, he was a little obsessed. Not even purely with the Foxes but with the boy named Neil who he hadn't bothered to take the time to know. It was impossible not to be a little fixated when such a Cinderella story took place in their small town. Even those who weren't fans of exy knew a vague overview of the miracle that had transpired.

Neil was a mystery. A quiet yet surprisingly aggressive mystery who only showed that aggression on the court. Tyler had always followed professional exy like a blind man gazing up at the sun for the first time, but this year was different. With a sincerely vested interest, he almost couldn't look away.

As it turned out, Neil wasn't quite so quiet.

***

"Did you see it, Coach?" Toni called across the court as soon as Hernandez showed up for their training on Monday afternoon.

Tyler paused in his stretching, slowly straightening as Hernandez planted himself in their midst. "Do I even have to ask what you're talking about anymore?"

Toni grinned, and he wasn't the only one. Tyler had been smiling just as widely for almost the entirety of the weekend. It was impossible not to after watching the Foxes' match the previous Friday. More importantly, however, it was damn-near impossible to feel anything but hysterically excited after watching re-runs of the Kathy Ferdinand show from Saturday morning.

Tyler had missed it. Nothing and no one could wake him up before ten o'clock on a Saturday, so even the chronic early-riser Jen hadn't bothered. He'd received a frantic phone call before mid-morning, however, and almost couldn't make out her words in their frenzy of enthusiastic gushing. When he'd been able to decipher it, he couldn't hasten to his computer fast enough.

"The match was fucking incredible," Jen said. "I've watched it about a dozen times."

"Yeah, but the interview?" Toni spun towards her and thumped a fist into his chest atop his heard as though he was swearing allegiance. "I've never seen something so beautiful in all my life. I've seen that at least a dozen times."

"It was beautiful," Trish, their new dealer, said with eyes shining. For someone usually so quietly spoken, she was nothing short of gushing herself whenever it came to the Foxes. "I could quote lines from it."

"Oh, you and me both," Toni said, spinning towards her instead. "'I have a bit of an attitude problem', wasn't it?"

"And that 'congratulations and big deal'?" Trish's eyes shone. "I would get as a tattoo if I was old enough.

"Oh, me too. Who knew Neil had a spine?"

"I definitely didn't see that coming," Noah said, shaking his head with the same incredulity he'd worn since Tyler had bumped into him that morning. "I have to say, though, I'm impressed."

"Me too!" Trish all but squealed.

"Yeah, but that's because you have a not-so-secret crush on Neil," Toni said with a wink.

Trish's cheeks immediately flushed crimson. "Shut up."

"Notice she doesn't deny it."

"I said shut up!"

"Leave her alone, Toni," Jen said. "Everyone knows you're practically panting after Allison."

"Well, she's hot. Can you blame me? And she plays like a badass."

"True, true."

"I admire Neil's playing, too," Trish said. "It's not just – like, I don't just –"

"Sure, try and make excuses, Trish," Toni said with another wink. Trish squawked and dove into self-defence, flapping excuses once more, and Tyler couldn't help but laugh. He wasn't the only one.

"You guys are obsessed," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. Of the Dingos, he was about the only one who wasn't enthusiastically supportive of everything Fox-related.

Tyler noticed Hernandez nodding his agreement, though he appeared amused more than exasperated. "I take it you're referring to the Kathy Ferdinand show?" he said.

"It really was a thing of beauty, Coach," Tyler said, sidling up to him. "I honestly would never have picked it of Neil."

"You and me both," Hernandez said. "Even after seeing him turn down Coach Wymack, I wouldn't have picked –"

"What?" Tyler blinked, staggering half a step backwards. He barely heard the continued clamour of Trish chasing Toni across the court. "He did what?"

Hernandez nodded, shooting him a smile that was almost a smirk. "Maybe I should have guessed he was hiding a bit of zest after that."

"Yeah, I think so," Tyler murmured, then shook himself out of his own stupor. "Did you see it, though? The interview?"

"I saw it," Hernandez said.

"He practically called Riko a selfish bastard right to his face and said that the Ravens only qualified because of their coach."

"Yeah, I saw."

"Called him scared, too. He said Riko would choke on his own words at the end of the season."

Hernandez cocked his head. "I think you're almost as much of a fan of Neil as Trish is?"

Tyler felt his cheeks flush. "A different kind of fan, I think," he muttered, glancing back at the scattering of his team as they continued to fling excitement and appreciative quotations at one another. "I guess I'm just kind of surprised."

"Still?"

"I mean, it's really cool. Neil is kind of…" Tyler scuffed the side of his head awkwardly, cursing the heat that rose even hotter in his cheeks. "He's really cool, you know?"

Hernandez chuckled. "Are you a bit star-struck, maybe, Tyler?"

"Star –?"

Hernandez laughed again. He dropped a hand onto Tyler's shoulder. "You would have to be one of the most enthusiastic kids I've ever had on my team. It's no surprise you'd idolise someone who's both on the same level as you and infinitely out of reach."

Tyler hunched his shoulders and ducked his head, but he didn't shrug Hernandez's hand off. "Yeah, well… yeah. Maybe."

"Just be aware that you don't see everything that goes on behind closed doors."

Glancing up at Hernandez, Tyler watched as his smile faded a little. "Coach?"

Hernandez met his gaze but only shook his head in reply. With another pat on Tyler's shoulder, he stepped forwards and clapped his hands for attention. "Alright, everyone! It's all very exciting, I know –"

"But did you see it, Coach?" Toni immediately interrupted, skidding to a stop a dozen steps away. Trish all but crashed into him.

"Yes, it's very exciting." Hernandez shot Toni a glance with raised eyebrows and Toni subsided with a grin, his arm slunging over Trish's shoulders as though she hadn't just been chasing him down seconds before. "But unless I'm mistaken, we have practice booked for…" He glanced down at his watch. "Now, in fact. Shall we?"

"I have to leave early, Coach," Kurt said, raising a lazy hand.

"Again?" Noah shot him a scowl. "Do you even want to be here?"

"Honestly?"

"Shut up, Kurt."

Hernandez clapped his hands together. "That's enough, if you please. Can we get a move on? Jen, can you grab the rackets?"

"Yes, Coach," she said, immediately trotting for the storage closet.

"The rest of you, I want two laps of the court. You too, Kurt."

"But I'm a goalie," Kurt complained.

"Yes, but you're still a part of the team."

Kurt groaned, but he fell into step with the rest of them as they began a steady jog. Almost before they were out of Hernandez's hearing, Trish and Toni were back at it, though this time their fight was forgotten and replaced with a resurgence of excitement. It grew more and more animated with every step until Tyler found himself unable to resist picking up his pace to fall into step alongside them.

"Riko is such a dick, though," Trish was saying. "He was all polite, but you can tell."

"He's not," Toni rebuffed. "Totally not. You're just saying that 'cause Neil says it."

"Neil didn't say it, and I am not."

"Riko's a really good player," Tyler said, adding his two cents.

Trish snapped her attention towards him. Her huff likely had nothing to do with the moderate pace of their jogging. "He's not as good as Kevin, I reckon. Even if he is number one. And Neil will be better than him some day, too."

"Oi, Riko's an awesome player."

"Yeah, but Neil's already gotten so much better in such a short time, and Riko's a dick."

"That doesn't really have anything to do with his playing."

"I know, but he's still a dick."

"I can't wait to see the Foxes play the Ravens."

"Oh my god, I know, right?"

Tyler lost himself in the words of his teammates, an exchange that rapidly expanded to include the rest of their team trailing behind them, too. Whether he disagreed or not with what Trish, Toni, or any of the rest of them said didn't really matter, but Herandez's words? Tyler hadn't thought of himself as star struck, but…

Maybe he was. Maybe just a little bit.

***

A/N: thanks again for reading! If you’d like to comment or follow the story, check out my AO3 page!

[icedanceupstarts]

2019 Canadian Nationals Preview

The skating video takedown situation gets more desperate by the day, but we persevered! 

Laurence Fournier-Beaudry/ Nikolaj Sorensen

Age: 26/29

Started Skating Together: 2012

Coach: Marie-France Dubreuil, Patrice Lauzon, Romain Haguenauer

Season's Best: N/A

Rhythm Dance: Adios Nonino

Free Dance: Environmentally Conscious Flamenco

Our newest Canadians are back and more than ready to fight for that third spot, with a great new rhythm dance and a recycled and updated version of their free dance from last season. They're a really appealing team, with an elegance, maturity, and strong connection only highlighted by their programs this season. They're one of the teams trying for a tango that's less about flair and drama and more about the tension and connection between them, and for our money it's the most successful of that genre. Their flamenco free dance is still great when tweaked for this season's rules, and you can tell how comfortable they are with it. While they've been unable to compete internationally, they've been doing well at domestic comps and beat Soucisse/Firus in the rhythm dance by half a point at the Quebec Summer Championships. If they continue to deliver at Nationals, the Canadanes have every chance to win the bronze.

Piper Gilles/Paul Poirier

Age: 27/27

Started Skating Together: 2011

Coach: Carol Lane, Jon Lane, Juris Razgulajevs

Season's Best: 201.27

Rhythm Dance: It Takes Two to Twizzle

Free Dance: Lose An Ear, Not Your Levels

This team seems to always be on the cusp of a true breakthrough into the upper ranks. This isn't the first time they've had champion level programs, or the first time they've been in position to beat Weaver/Poje, which they did manage last year due to a disaster in the short dance from their teammates. Gilles/Poirier have all the goods to compete at the top, but they've always been a little hit and miss on their levels, and have been known to falter at big opportunities. They took out the tricky change-of-level twizzles in the rhythm dance after their struggles at IdF, and looked much steadier at Golden Spin.

If they can put it all together, nail their levels while also providing the elegant, stately performance of their rhythm dance as they proved capable of at Nebelhorn and Golden Spin, and the captivating performance of their Skate Canada free dance, they're not just looking at a national title for Piper's birthday, but a shot at a world medal at the end of the season.

Haley Sales/Nikolas Wamsteeker

Age: 22/22

Started Skating Together: 2014

Coach: Megan Wing, Aaron Lowe

Season's Best: 150.23

Rhythm Dance: Two Bun Tango(starts at 29:00)

Free Dance: Celine Dion Medley

Sales/Wamsteeker are a young team in their third senior season who should be proud of the progress they've made, especially as not many Canadian teams survived The Great Canadian Dance Splitenings of 2016 and 2018. 2018 was a solid year for them, making their first 4CC team and then making their senior GP debut with a host spot at Skate Canada, where they even placed #notlast. They were just off the podium at US Classic, and were third in the rhythm dance there. We keep being surprised at how much we like their tango-- they have a nice, quiet intensity to them and strong choreography well designed to show both the character of the tango and their long lines. They have a nice security to their skating and strong elements, and we're still a little tickled by their matching hair buns. They are solid lifters and we especially like their choreographic lift that perfectly plays off the build in their music to end their free dance on a high note. While they're not likely to challenge for a medal, they should make the National Team again and be able to prepare to continue to climb the ranks next season and hold off the baby seniors that will be swarming the ranks next season.

Carolane Soucisse/ Shane Firus

Age: 23/24

Started Skating Together: 2016

Coach: Marie-France Dubreuil, Patrice Lauzon, Romain Haguenauer

Season's Best: 172.27

Rhythm Dance: Electric Tango Rapping

Free Dance: I Won't Dance Deja Vu

The reigning Four Continents Championships silver medalists have had a bit of a rough season so far, suffering an injury over the summer and then struggling through their performances in the fall. They were on an upswing by the end, having finally found their footing at NHK Trophy, and hopefully they'll continue to build on that here at Nationals. They're a really great team, and fairly young too with a lot of time to develop. Unfortunately their development has hit a bit of a snag after their breakout last season. They're still great skaters, but their programs haven’t been a natural fit for them this season, which obscures both that their programs are some of the best choreography to come out of Gadbois this season, and their own natural talents and improvements made since last season. Every time out their performances get sharper and more engaged and highlight the musicality of their choreo better, but they're still having to focus to bring all that out. You can tell they're still not entirely comfortable with their packaging this season, and it's lead to them making a number of silly mistakes. All of this is probably why Soucisse/Firus elected to bring back their hit free dance from last year, a fun, light quickstep/foxtrot program that perfectly suits their strengths. It remains to be seen how quickly they have gotten the dust off and updated it for this season's rules, but it should at least give them a psychological boost if nothing else. Their biggest competitors Fournier-Beaudry/Sorensen are also using their free dance from last season, so they'll be even there. If they can perform their free dance with the lightness and charm of last season and avoid the silly mistakes they've been making, they have every shot at the podium this week.

Kaitlyn Weaver/ Andrew Poje

Age: 29/31

Started Skating Together: 2006

Coach: Nikolai Morozov, part time with Igor Shpilband and Pasquale Carmerlengo

Season's Best: 197.27

Rhythm Dance: Give Me Libertango or Give Me Death

Free Dance: Ugly Crying: The Free Dance

The reigning world bronze medalists are back from their hiatus, and ready to take back their national title. They've had a lot of ups and downs over the past four years, and needed time off of competition to recharge. Now they have a new, unconventional coaching setup and some of their best programs in awhile, with possibly our favorite free dance of theirs to date. Their rhythm dance is a little soft for our personal tastes, but that's a feature not a bug. They're evoking exactly the mood they're going for, a softer more romantic take on the tango than other teams generally go for, or what they themselves have done in the past. They're not the strongest twizzlers in the field, which speaks more to the shocking progress ice dancers have made on twizzles than any defects from Weaver/Poje themselves. As you likely know, their free dance is a tribute to Denis Ten, but is a powerful and emotional vehicle in its own right without that backstory.

7th highest score this season is not bad at all, especially when you consider that they peaced out in September. It took Gilles/Poirier four tries to surpass it, which bodes well for Weaver/Poje's attempts to reclaim their title. One big question will be technical. Their levels were decent for September, but they haven't competed since then and it's hard to gauge whether they've improved or regressed on that front, as show skating isn't the best measure of that. They have had a lot of time to refine and polish the performance aspect, which is no small thing, and could make the difference. The veterans of the field will bring all their power and maturity to the competition, and they're not going down without a fight.

[otdiaftg]

"Ahem," Nicky says at his elbow. Neil attempts a neutral look that fools Nicky not at all. "You realize we're going to be out of the room for a couple hours, right? Get lost." "I'm fine here," Neil says. "Goodbye," Dan says, showing up out of nowhere on Neil's other side. "First rule of college dating: never waste an empty dorm room."

Neil wants to tell her they aren't dating and Andrew could take or leave his presence at any given point. He wants to stay and celebrate his teammates' brilliant success. He wants to watch the way Aaron becomes a completely different person with Katelyn at his side. But half of the Vixen squad is already here, taking up the room with bright laughter and thick perfume, and noise in the hall says more are on the way. Neil has nothing against the cheerleaders, but if he could choose between playing nice with half-strangers for hours or bothering Andrew in private, the latter is the obvious choice. "You were amazing tonight," Neil says, because they deserve at least that much before he disappears on them. "All of you." "None of that," Dan says breezily, but her grin says she appreciates his compliment all the same. "We'll talk about the game Monday, remember? Tonight is for drinking and general craziness. Now get out of here and get some."

Day: Friday, March 22nd / 23rd* Time: 11:12 PM EST

*Due to the Leap Year, I have opted to highlight the day rather than the date to keep the events in occurrence to the 2007 year. I will continue to mark both days accordingly.

[sirandking]

I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this, but I really want to talk about how the upperclassmen and the monsters mirror each other. How each member of the monsters has a counterpart in the upperclassmen, someone with a similar backstory and similar motivations and goals, but with certain crucial differences that serve to highlight all the character development that happens throughout the books.

For instance, there’s Andrew and Renee: both foster children with harsh pasts who murdered and feel no remorse for it, but forced to face the consequences regardless. Andrew is left with a brother who can’t forgive him; Renee has to deal with the knowledge that she’ll never be the good person she wants to be. They have the same fighting style - defensive, reactive, but knowing that the only way to win is to stop your opponent from ever hurting you again; they both play goalie because they’re both best when they stand at everyone else’s backs and prevent anything from getting past them. There’s a reason Andrew charges Renee with protecting her half of the team, and not Dan, the official leader; where Dan is focused on moving forward and charging down the opposition, Renee and Andrew are about making sure everyone under their wing survives.

Then there’s Dan and Kevin, the team leaders (one official, one unofficial), a striker and an offensive dealer/occasional striker sub, #1 and #2. They’ve both been pushed down and shoved aside, marked as second-best or second-rate, and they both refuse to let that stop them. They both fight because they don’t know how to lose, because they can’t know how to lose, and they expect the same from everybody else. Kevin won’t accept anything but the best because that’s what he’s been taught, that’s the only way he knows how to live; Dan knows that anything less than perfection gives everyone else the right to stomp all over you, and is determined to never let that happen again. (And then there’s the fact that they both see Wymack as a father).

There’s Nicky and Allison, both cut off from their parents for not following the path their parents wanted for them, but choosing their own way anyway; a defensive dealer and a backliner, #7 and #8, who don’t back down from a challenge and don’t always know the best time to quit. They’re both blunt, protective, unapologetic; open with their sexuality and their personality and their history; they both make sure they look after their family, although Nicky is a bit more obvious about it. Neil once guessed that Nicky’s over-the-top extroversion was a front to compensate for the twins’ antisocial personalities, but it also compensates for the way he closed himself off as a teenager; Allison’s cattiness is a direct fuck-you to her parents and to everyone else who made assumptions about her or tried to tell her what to do.

There’s Aaron and Matt, both backliners, #4 and #5, and both protective to the point of violence. They have a shared history of abuse, both drug abuse and physical(/sexual, in Matt’s case) abuse, and for both of them it started with a parent. They were both forced to face their drug addictions head on by Andrew, and in an extreme way, almost breaking them in the process. But they both held on, and fought to improve, and both of them ended up with plans and a future and a way out.

And then there’s Neil and Seth, the dead and the dying, the oldest member of the team and the newest, both strikers with loud mouths and short tempers. They both refuse to take shit, Seth from people who disrespect him and Neil from people who disrespect his family. Seth is the biggest instigator tearing the team apart; Neil is the one who brings them together.

But where the monsters are still in the middle of their character arcs, still left with things holding them back, the upperclassmen have already moved past them. Aaron is still frustrated with and confused about his mother and angry at Andrew; Matt has forgiven his abuse as a product of the times and accepted Andrew’s intervention as necessary. Nicky is still hoping that his parents will forgive him, while Allison has cut hers out entirely. Kevin is still afraid of surpassing Riko, while Dan refuses to let anyone stop her. Neil keeps trying to hold his tongue and adhere to his mother’s rules for staying hidden, while Seth refuses to be anything but a loud-spoken, aggressive asshole. Andrew is held back by his belief that he’ll never be anything more than a knives and promises, while Renee had Stephanie Walker and her faith to teach her that she could still be worth something despite her past. The upperclassmen still have problems, but when it comes to the traits they share with the monsters, they’re several steps ahead in terms of healing.

So at the beginning, the upperclassmen are foils to the monsters, almost a parallel universe version of what the monsters could have been if they’d had the right supports, the right interventions at the right times. And of course they fight each other; how could they not, when all they can see when they look at each other is the person they could have been? But by the end, all of those problems have been overcome: Nicky has cut ties with his parents, Aaron is talking things over with Andrew, Neil has let go of his mother’s ghost, Kevin has stopped being afraid of Riko, and Andrew has found something to live for that isn’t wrapped up in promises and deals. Suddenly, the upperclassmen and the monsters aren’t opposites anymore: they’re parallel lines, not clashing colours, and it translates directly into their team dynamics.

Which is what the whole series is really about: Exy. Even though Neil is the main character, the story doesn’t end when Neil’s father dies, or when Neil and Andrew get together, or when Neil makes the deal with Ichirou and settles his future. It doesn’t even end when Riko dies; that’s only in the epilogue. It ends with the Foxes, when they do what they’ve been striving towards all year and beat the Ravens with the force of sheer determination and teamwork, when they prove to everyone else that they can be strippers and murderers and drug addicts and gang members and still deserve respect.

Neil is the linchpin who drags the two sides into the same orbit, the one who stands in when Seth dies and bridges the canyon between the monsters and the upperclassmen, the one who sets Riko’s death in motion, but this isn’t just Neil’s story. This isn’t just Neil finding a home in a team, getting everything he wanted and never letting go.

It’s a team of misfits and outcasts proving to the world that every single one of them is worth something. It’s people who were too similar to ever get along finding a home in each other.

[gettingintoknives]

Favorite All For The Game Quotes- The King’s Men

Out of order because I haven’t finished annotating the first two.

Whenever I read books, I highlight my favorite quotes. So, without any context, here are my favorites from The King’s Men. More below the cut. Warning, this is extremely long.

“The Foxes are all I have, Matt.”

“We did what we had to do. I don't care what Andrew thinks.”

That he tried at all was so unexpected Neil felt it like a balm to every bruised inch of his skin.

“It's over now and I'm back where I belong.”

He straightened and turned to find Andrew had shifted closer.

They'd been apart for seven weeks but Neil keenly remembered why he'd stayed. He remembered this unyielding, unquestioning weight that could hold him and all of his problems up without breaking a sweat. For the first time in months he could finally breathe again. It was such a relief it was frightening; Neil hadn't meant to lean on Andrew so much.

Thinking about it was almost too much.

Andrew clapped a hand over his mouth, smothering the rest of his words, and Neil knew he'd failed.

“If it means losing you, then no," Neil said.

“You are a pipe dream”

Neil wasn't sure why he did it, but he plucked Andrew's cigarette off the sidewalk and stuck it between his lips.

"Sometimes I think this job is going to kill me," Abby said. "Seeing what people have done, what people continue to do, to my Foxes. I wish I could protect you, but I'm always too late. All I can do is patch you up afterward and hope for the best. I'm sorry, Neil. We should have been there for you.”

“You know we're here for you, right? Whatever you need.”

“Just promise me this isn't going to be a problem.”

“So Andrew finally gave in, huh?" Roland said. "That looks pretty bad.”

“Why does Roland think you're tying me down?”

“Presumably he thinks you're as bad at following directions as he is," Andrew said.

“I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?”

“Every inch of you," Andrew said. "That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you.”

"You like me."

Neil whittled it down the barest, easiest truth. "I asked.”

The only thing that mattered to Andrew, the only person he needed to see, was Aaron. His own trauma was inconsequential; he'd cared about the blood splattered across Aaron's skin.

"We're your friends.”

Instead he thought about his homecoming, of Wymack dropping everything to pick him up and Wymack holding him together when he almost broke.

He looked to the Foxes, made sure they were still out of earshot, and stepped closer to Andrew anyway.

He had to notice the looks Neil sent him

She was going to patch the brothers up and the team would finally be whole.

Andrew made himself comfortable on Neil's left, a one-man barricade between Neil and the crowd.

“I don't want this fight coming back on you," Neil said.

“Ninety-one percent," Andrew said.

“Sunrise, Abram, death: these are truths.”

Despite that he'd remembered not to barge in.

“Because I made you a promise," Andrew said. "I did not forget it just because you chose not to believe me. I did what I said I would do, and fuck you for expecting anything else.”

He sank to the curb to buy himself time, but his thoughts kept twisting in anxious circles. Neil felt a half-second from losing his mind, but then Andrew said his name and Neil's thoughts ground to a startled halt.

“But Coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key and called it home.”

“Don't look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren't mine.”

“No one asked you." With that, Andrew caught Neil's face in his hands and leaned in.

Andrew kissed him like this was a fight with their lives on the line, like his world stopped and started with Neil's mouth. Neil's heart stuttered to a stop at the first hard press of lips against his and he reached up without thinking.

“I won't be like them. I won't let you let me be.”

“The next time one of them says you're soulless I might have to fight them.”

Neil took the pint from Andrew's unresisting fingers, stacked it on top of his, and leaned in. He stopped shy of actually kissing Andrew, not daring to touch him until Andrew gave him a green light. 

“Stay," Andrew said, and leaned down to kiss him.

How a man who viewed the world with such studied disconnect could kiss like this, Neil didn't know, but he wasn't going to complain.

Andrew did, and like always, he fired the rebound where Neil could get it.

He didn't know if Andrew saw that understanding on his face or if Andrew had just wanted his undivided attention.

“Yes or no?" Andrew asked. "Yes," Neil said.

Neil kissed his neck, hoping to distract him, and was rewarded with a startled jolt. That was enough reason to do it again. Andrew pushed his face away, but they were standing too close together for Neil to miss the way he shivered. Andrew kissed him before Neil could say anything about it.

Kissing Andrew changed things even if Neil knew it shouldn't.

“And I am nothing," Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, "And as you've always said, you want nothing.”

Staying up here with them, though, meant leaving Andrew alone for the second half of the trip. Neil knew he likely wouldn't notice or care that he'd been abandoned, but for some reason the thought rankled him.

Despite that, something seemed different. Maybe it was the sunlight streaming through the window, making Andrew's pale hair shine brighter and his hazel eyes seem almost gold. Whatever it was, it was disorienting.

“I told you not to look at me like that.”

Neil knew this wasn't the time or place, but that didn't stop him from feeling cheated.

“Thank you," he finally said. He couldn't say he meant thanks for all of it: the keys, the trust, the honesty, and the kisses. Hopefully Andrew would figure it out eventually. "You were amazing.”

Neil clung to a version of the truth that would protect the Foxes

so he thought about the Foxes instead. He clung tight to the memory of their unhesitating friendship and their smiles.

“Look: these are the people I chose to stay with even knowing I couldn't stay for long. I picked them over my own safety. So give them back to me and I'll answer anything you ask.”

“You're wrong," Nathaniel said. "They can't leave without Andrew, and Andrew won't go anywhere until he talks to me.”

The Foxhole Court was the only home he needed; the Foxes were his family.

“Nathaniel's blood went cold, and he couldn't keep the alarm from his voice when he started to ask, "Where's And—”

“Andrew froze with his hand a few scant inches from Nathaniel's face. Andrew's expression didn't change, but there was a new tension in his shoulders that didn't bode well for anyone in the room.

“He winced at the awful sound Nicky made. The groan of a quickly-shifting mattress almost swallowed up Aaron's ragged curse. Nathaniel looked back without thinking, needing to see who was on the move, and saw Aaron had rolled off the bed to go stand with Nicky. Turning meant the others got a look at his burned cheek. Kevin recoiled so hard he slammed into the wall behind him.

“You are a Fox," Andrew said, like it was that simple, and maybe it was.

He didn't say it would kill him, but he didn't have to. Andrew hooked his fingers in the collar of Nathaniel's sweatshirt and tugged just enough for him to feel it. For a moment Nathaniel was months away from this moment, standing in the darkened front hall of Andrew's house for the first time with a warm key digging into his palm. It felt like coming home, and it was enough to take the edge off his fear.

“You aren't going anywhere," Andrew said: the same words, the same promise.

“Neil or Nathaniel or whoever," Nicky said. "He's ours, and we're not letting him go. You want us to vote on it or something? Bet you it'll be unanimous.”

“I want—I know I shouldn't stay, but I can't—I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose any of you. I don't want to be Nathaniel anymore. I want to be Neil for as long as I can."

“I have to go," Andrew said. "I don't trust them to give you back.”

“Neil Abram Josten," Neil murmured, and it felt like waking up from a bad dream.

Andrew said the Foxes would never let Neil disappear quietly. They'd raise a fuss and get the press neck-deep in it until someone turned him up.

Neil kept his eyes on Abby. Grief and outrage warred for dominance on Abby's face, but she held her tongue until she made it to Neil's hand.

“No," Neil said, "but I think I will be.”

His thoughts should have kept him up all night, but with his friends this close Neil couldn't worry about anything.

Neil leaned in to kiss him, needing to know if Andrew would lean away or push him back. Instead Andrew opened his mouth to Neil without hesitation and slid his hand up Neil's chest to his throat.

Andrew tried to recover with a ground-out, "Your neck fetish is not attractive." "You like it," Neil said, unapologetic. "I like that you like it.”

The Foxes had faced his secrets and only tightened their grip on him. How could he fear anything with them all at his back? What could he regret when he still felt Andrew's kisses on his mouth?

If Andrew noticed the attention, he didn't return it; he had eyes only for Neil.

He didn't care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer

He caught Neil's wrist to push his hand to his side. He dug his fingers in before letting go, not quite hard enough to hurt, and said, "That's why.”

“I won't be like them," Neil said. "I won't let you let me be.”

“You're a terrible liar," Neil said, and Andrew kissed him into silence.

“Andrew pushed him up against the wall with heavy hands and hard kisses. "Junkie."

“This isn't about Riko anymore," Wymack said. "This isn't about the Ravens. This is about you. This is about everything it took you to get to this point, everything it cost you, and everyone who laughed when you dared to dream of something big and bright. You're here tonight because you refused to give up and refused to give in. You're here where they all said you'd never be, and no one can say you haven't earned the right to play this game.”

“Fight because you don't know how to die quietly. Win because you don't know how to lose. This king's ruled long enough—it's time to tear his castle down.”

Tonight, buoyed by determination and half-drunk on desperation, the Foxes had the strongest start they'd had all year.

Tonight Neil was in perfect form, and he was mad as hell at the Ravens for hurting his Foxes.

The buzzer went off again, and Neil's heart stopped. The ringing in his ears wasn't all him. His teammates were screaming, wordless war cries of disbelief and victory.

Kevin had scored in the last two seconds of the game.

A second racquet came out of nowhere, big and bright and orange. Andrew put everything he had left behind his swing and caught Riko across his forearm.

“Yeah, Neil. We won!”

Neil was suddenly wide awake. "Your people are safe, as are mine. Yes, I'm satisfied.”

Neil hadn't realized he was smiling. "Life?”

Better than that bright future was what he already had: a court that would always be home, a family who'd never give up on him, and Andrew, who for once hadn't wasted their time denying that this thing between them might actually mean something to both of them.

This was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and Neil was never letting go.