#the structure bLAHHHH

[cutemeat]

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary543

3/26-27/25

wednesday - thursday

bad day for music,

mostly just beating my head into a wall type of stuff. some things are so hard to get right, or to even know how to get right. maybe some songs i need to take a different approach, do something with physical modeling instead. it's not like i wasted all of today... i finished gold + its variants, i got 2 songs to sound better i think, one sounds like, ready to go i think. an airwindows plugin comes in to save the day as usual. but it was also knowing it could be done simply, that helped that one.

the issue i am running into a lot, is that some of these sounds just have very fake sounding oscillators to me. a plus side is i know how to hack my way into having a more prominent second harmonic. i just feel like the issue i'm running into is that distortion isn't really going deep enough or something. deep as in, it feels like analog distortion fucks with all the frequencies a bit, and does lots of strange things, tubes also have lots of nonlinear things going on too, all the electronics interact, i'm just thinking about this more because if health can get something like a feedbacking sin wave through a pitch effect and a slicer to sound like someone playing guitar harmonics kind of, or at the very least, sound really physical, the saturation and movement through air + light reverberations are probably doing a lot there. it's also probably because it's a high frequency and higher frequencies always sound better when doing this kinda thing. i suppose maybe i'm thinking this is one issue when it's another, the other being that i might need to pump in more harmonic information into the saturation, stuff that's harmonically related. i guess tomorrow i need to record my guitar via the mic again and see how close i can get again.

i had another idea too, there's a plugin that creates really strange transient bursts i have, it's made to be like the atari2600 soundchip but it's really weird, it's an abnormal sort of synthesis, but i was thinking i could get it to trigger feedbacking from one particular plugin and then have that feedback stage hit some pitch effects and then try and do some beat repeat slicing stuff, or actually, maybe looper stuff. and then i can record that and maybe have a weird part for a song or something. i had an idea about a grindcore song breaking down into a slower dance thing, then stopping. that feels satisfying to me, as like, a vague notion. it'd be cool to get something uncanny down, and try to lean into that uncanny sound thing more sometimes. it's a little liberating to have straight noise parts / feedback things. it's a really fun part of playing guitar i don't get very much access to so finding ways to put it into digital workstation flows and having something i can perform 'live' almost is really rewarding.

but the rest of it, today, really burned me out, i felt like so, idk, what to describe it as, idk, at a certain point i kind of shut down, not like entirely, i'd respond to things, just wrong, like i was some cluster of fried electronics only half responding to inputs. it was kind of bad but i'm fine now.

listening to this now:

this is good, it's a lot like antioch arrow, i also downloaded their demo but honestly the demo's kind of bad re: vocals, this is much better overall. last song's kind of funny but that's how this stuff goes.

i had a dream, i need to sleep soon though the sun's coming up... the dream was we were at the excalibur (now dead/demolished casino), we were there to go up this smoke stained elevator to the roof to see the sunset, some party on the top floor of a parking structure that would lead back into the excalibur and we're in this connecting hall/tunnel thingy, and a man accosts me for being how i am, and i pushed him, and he fell started screaming and then fell over, and began vomiting up his red slush alcohol drink, these kind of disgusting things tourists get here. or they seem nasty i wouldn't really know.

blahhhhhhhhh. i wonder if i need to take a longer break on music stuff again. i'll fiddle tomorrow but if it frustrates me i'll think more about not touching stuff for a while. i'm sure i'd end up touching things again anyways....

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[livecharliereaction]

"you were able to bear em because they werent your tragedies" doesnt make sense with michel!white haired girl though

im thinking so hard i remember in chapter I she was a maid (too, both were there) , in chapter II i dont remember much mention of The Maid but she mustve been there right?? but white haired girl was Not a maid she just came from somewhere (#blind). in in 1869 she was just jacopos wife So its a little... But The Maid never plays a big enough role for me to be like "noo they cant be the same person because THIS happened" u know

so i think the extent of the lies may be much much bigger?? you compare the real events of the chapter just now VS the story she told and although it kiiiind of vaguely follows a similar structure, its completely different (what interests me is that the END is TOTALLY different. girl dies first n stuff)

IDK! blahhhh i wasnt so into it yet during chapters I-III so my liveblog isnt very extensive but id like to go back.. but also trust theyll recap it enough for me to understand Soooooo im not spending 6 hours rereading them nuh uh

[a-smr-things]

"they aren’t taught about British colonialism in their schools" idk if it was just my (public, english) school, but I was taught about the horrors of the slave trade and the shit we did to the native americans in history class. I think the issue is that it's really hard to connect that to modern politics and power structures without pissing off powerful people, so its easy to come away with the message of "yeah, we used to be evil, but then civil rights and MLK happened and now racism is over!"

 What about other countries? Did you learn about what Colonialism did to other countries? And even if you did, the generation before you didn’t. My reblog was as to why a lot of the British citizens deny that the British ever did any harm to anyone. Even in that post where the poster was like: Oh colonialism, are you living in the 1800s to complain about that? 

When did America get Independence? 1776 (well, part of the population didn’t have their rights yet but the country got Independence in 1776). So combining that info with what the poster said “Colonialism and its effects ended in the 1800s) and you saying the info you attained about American slave trade etc, it’s fair to assume that the even if you were taught about British colonialism, you were only taught 1/*insert huge number* of it. 

I mean, teaching all of it is impossible...as it would be an entire novel, no, strike that, an entire series. 

Yes, I do agree with you when you said , “ I think the issue is that it's really hard to connect that to modern politics and power structures without pissing off powerful people, so its easy to come away with the message of "yeah, we used to be evil, but then civil rights and MLK happened and now racism is over!" “

However, it’s only part of the problem. 

Anyways, teaching all of Britain’s colonial history is impossible, there’s just too much to learn (history is my least favourite subject). However, when someone sees a post about British colonialism, the least they can do is believe it or at least put some effort to confirm it. School itself isn’t the only source of info. 

"yeah, we used to be evil, but then civil rights and MLK happened and now racism is over!" is a really accurate way to put it. Just how Republicans say racism ended blah blah blahhhh. 

[infinitelsewhere]

TANGENT

Thats the thing about this place and these people.. these people are so beyond intelligent but somehow I fit amongst them. Not in an arrogant way at all but  I am a key member of the group and a valuable asset in class and in conversation. These super brains are picking my brain about my right brain. I feel more a part of this group than I do the people I have spent 5 years partying with thats for sure. In two days I Know more about 14 other people than I do the small group of friends I have at home.

I may not know how to structure a paragraph or how to use punctuation.  I can't remember the genetics of weed I have been tinkering around with for 4 years but I can guide one hell of an existential conversation with a group of people 40 years my elder and maybe thats what matters. ( for my life)

In the most non judgy way ...when I get home I am going to seek brains like the ones at Monroe to connect with. I need people around me who push my belief system buttons. Not that I don't love my friends.. has nothing to do with that JUST to be clear.

tangent  tangent bla bla blahhhh