#then none of them have to explode and die and also the world doesnt have to explode either and maybe even juno can <3 explode instead

[quietwingsinthesky]

i'm imagining immortal altaïr circa the 9 years desmond was hiding from the assassins, kept being randomly approached by the assassins thinking he's desmond because he's like. physically identical to desmond and has updated his clothing to match modern-blending in, aka desmond style clothing. "desmond what the hell are you doing in france" "who the fuck is desmond. go away."

he’s been kidnapped multiple times by various sects of the brotherhood under william miles’s leadership (allowed this to happen. to be clear. they’re good assassins! but he’s better.) and they kept calling him desmond, or if they’re more familiar with desmond’s whole deal, referring to him as “the mentor’s runaway kid”. altaïr is nine hundred years old and is Thee mentor and should not have to put up with this. he doesn’t even know any desmonds! go bother ezio about it!

he’s going to run into desmond for real one day and be just a little more petty than he should about all of this akshkfjgks

(altaïr picks up the white hoodie look for familiarity reasons and if u ask him he’s going to say desmond copied him. actually. (<- they both adopted this look independently of each other))

[multishippingtrashfire]

zukka soulmate au opinions/headcanons?

I apologize Anon for how long this has sat in my inbox, but soulmate AU’s are really not my forte, so i had to think long and hard. (no sexy pun intended)

Background information

- Soulmate marks sit on the same place on both parties

- They are there their whole life

- I believe in multiple soulmates, so if one soulmate dies, i think another exists (aka, Hakoda and Kya, and then Hakoda and Bato; Kanna and unnamed Grandpa, and the Kanna and Pakku)

Zuko

- Zuko DREADS the notion of soulmates, only because Zuko believes it is also the universe’s divine order to make his life as sucky as possible. So in Zuko’s mind, he’s like the perfect way for the Universe to punish him further would be one of 3 ways:

1. His soulmate would be the Avatar, because of course he’d be on an impossible quest to literally find and surrender his soulmate for death at Ozai’s hands (also a betrayal to his nation) 

2. His soulmate would be a woman, (because I truly canonically believe that Zuko is a gay)

3. He wouldn’t have a soulmate

Of course none of these guesses are correct, he should’ve looked behind door number 4: His soulmate is from another nation and has had the Fire Nation ferociously take everything they’ve loved (aka Sokka)

Fire Nation tradition also dictates that Soulmates are for common people, not for Prince’s, so his soulmate mark (a glistening black sword), is to be covered at all times anyway. He is thankful that his Soulmate mark is non-nation identifiable, which saves him from Ozai’s wrath if it was obviously Water Tribe or Earth Kingdom. Also sucks, because Zuko isnt even sure where to start looking (not that he would), so he just traces the mark with his fingers as bathes sometimes, wondering if his soulmate is doing the same. 

When Zuko first meets Sokka, he doesnt realize it, he just sorta is like “no point in brutally hurting this person, let me just shift him out my way”, which in my opinion is more restraint than most people get from Zuko at that time. 

Zuko doesnt even know Sokka is his Soulmate until he sees the sword after training Aang at the Western Air Temple, and it all just clicks and Zuko wants to throw himself into the Sun because Sokka has Suki and Zuko just wants him to be happy. 

So really, he was right, he will be alone. 

Meanwhile on Sokka’s side

Sokka’s family have always been very supportive of him and soulmates. Katara’s mark is something that looks like a kite (it’s Aang’s staff but they didnt know that before meeting him) and Katara is wishful for her soulmate. She spends nights dreaming up what it could possibly be or mean.

And tbh, Sokka is against the idea because he’s devoted to the idea of being a warrior, of doing what’s right by his people. And his soulmate mark of a what looks like an exploded burn (the lightning strike Zuko takes protecting Katara) doesnt convince him, because only another selfless person/warrior would understand him in his opinion and he knows those are hard to come by. He doesnt care if his soulmate identifies as a guy or girl or in between. 

Then there was Aang, Katara’s necklace wrapped around his ankle as his mark. And Suddenly, Sokka was confronted with the realization that Aang and helping him become the Avatar was apart of Katara’s fulfillment and that his little sister was growing up and Sokka could see the way Aang and Katara looked at each other. He knew they say lifetimes when they looked into each other’s eyes. 

And then Zuko chases them around the world and Sokka totally acknowledges that Zuko is mental and a dick, but he also gets why Zuko does it. In their travels they heard the story of the banished Fire Nation Prince and his impossible assignment to return home and Sokka understands. He knows what it is to have to feel like you have to prove yourself to your father (Sokka thinks he has to prove himself to Hakoda; Zuko literally has to prove himself to Ozai, per Ozai’s words), what it means to be fighting for your nation as something greater than yourself, and Sokka would never admit to Katara but he empathized with Zuko. 

Sokka wonders if it’s Suki, but Suki tells him honestly that her mark is the mark of the Kyoshi Warriors, because she’s dedicated to this, this is what fulfills her. She loves Sokka and loves romance with him, but she knows Sokka is destined for greater love. And she tells Sokka that companionship is something that he shouldnt miss out, just because he thinks its not the ways of the warrior. Wearing a dress and fighting in fans and makeup wasnt his idea of the ways of a warrior either and he learned how that turned out. 

He thinks it may be Yue, but her mark was always the moon.

And then Zuko abandons Ozai and tries to offer himself up to the Gaang. He’s turnt away, and even burns Toph’s feet before coming back again and tries sacrificing himself to stop combustion man. Sokka is at least a little bit impressed that he would continue to offer himself up to berating judgement of their group because he’s decided what’s right. Then Zuko becomes Aang’s firebending teacher and everyone gets hang out with him and Sokka likes the guy even more, although he’s weird around the sword (he blushes everytime he sees it) 

They never really talk about soulmates, and Sokka’s soulmate mark sits on his thigh, so it’s not exactly easy to see unless he’s undressed. 

Then Zuko takes the bolt for Katara and survives and suddenly Zuko has hung the Sun in Sokka’s sky, because he was so selfless, he was willing to die for Katara. He knows the shape sitting on Zuko’s chest anywhere. Zuko is his soulmate. And then Sokka realizes maybe he was late to this party and that was why Zuko was weird.

When he first sees Firelord Zuko alone afterwards, he asks Zuko how long he knew. And Zuko lets him know that it was long enough that Chit Sang, Hakoda AND Suki knew (which meant by then Toph had probably figured it out too). Basically everyone but Sokka, Katara and Aang had been privy to the information. 

Then they unpack some of that pesky childhood trauma they’d been carting around and talk about how they both thought the soulmate thing wasnt for them, but then again both of them were completely unusual and extraordinary people, so maybe they just had a more unusual extraordinary soulmate story to live out. Sokka promises Zuko a lifetime and Zuko promises Sokka everyday in between now and when the Sun goes out. They can see it in each other’s eyes. 

Sokka says that Zuko’s scars are beautiful, something Zuko has felt made him a monster all this time. Sokka is the first person to acknowledge them truly and he tells him how enthralled he is by the stories they depict of Zuko. How he was selfless and did not fear the burn of flames because it was more important to do the right thing. 

 And Zuko says Sokka would have the world in the palm of his hand with his intelligence and that spirits knew giving him bending too would basically just make him the avatar anyway. Sokka has always felt inadequate and Zuko makes him feel like he could win a hundred battles blindfolded. 

Zuko sends a search for Sokka’s sword (and recovers it) and Sokka uses it to ask Zuko to marry him.  

They get married at Sunrise, because Zuko sets the Sun in Sokka’s sky and they celebrate until Sunset/moonrise, because their union blessed by the moon herself. It casts an iridescent glow over the Fire Nation. 

It’s love. 

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : Happy Famlies

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: This AU is exactly what is sounds like. Everyone gets a happy family. 

Feat. Dadmight, and his sons Izuku and Tenko, Big Bro Dabi with his little bro, Shinson and his Dadzawa.

allmight n inko end up dating and tenko n izu are brothers

dabi and tenko are third year ua herocourse students when izu and the others join

tenko is a soft sunshine boy cause izu rubbed off on him a lot

dabi wants to be an underground hero so he'll never be like his father

todoroki takes the entrance exam so inasa and hitoshi are recommendation students

izuku kills the exam because he starts ua being able to use full cowl 5%, breaking allmights record with a whopping 130 points

because consider dabi, shouto, izu, tenko and hitoshi all singing karaoke together, dabi has a tambourine and tenko is violently shaking maracas

izuku and inko dont know toshi is allmight, but tenko and toshi are terrible liars

the first time toshi meets izuku its just tenko presenting him saying "you gotta give it to him dad"

izu is only 5 n still broken up about having no quirk, toshi says he might just be a late bloomer while tenko nods

toshi sneaks izuku his quirk when he turns 7, izuku wakes up n accidentally punches a hole in the ceiling, he n katsuki make up cause izuku has a bomb ass quirk even if it does break his bones

he and inko just think he was a late bloomer cause his quirk was so strong. tenko and toshi highfive

seven year old izuku walking back into his house like mom i broke both my arms again :(((

katsuki actually helps him work out the flick thing

"it breaks my arms!" "then use less you dumb fuck!" "oh yeah actually thank you"

they’re so used to shouting criticisms while sparring that they still do it after they enter ua

when they spar at the sports festival mic can’t get a word of commentary in bc it’s just a constant slew of

“kACCHAN I TOLD U TO STOP LEADING WITH UR RIGHT”

“SHIITY DEKU IF U LAND LIKE THAT UR GONNA BREAK UR LEGS”

dabi n tenko the third years can hear them in their own stadium. tenko is cheering softly, dabi has a heart attack when he sees the walls of ice

izu has a massive handshapped scar on his wrist from when tenko saved him by pulling him out of the way of a car

he doesnt mind it but it makes tenko sad so he wears a lil cuff over it

tenko snuck in to watch the entrance exam he n toshinori are cheering quietly, the other teachers just sigh

izuku broke allmights record for points scored in the entrance exam but hes still scared he failed

tenko wants to s c r e a m

USJ ANGST TIME

starts as normal students enter, villains arrive kurogiri has an ear piece and is talking with afo directly, some of the 8 prefects goons are there too

hitoshi used his quirk on kurogiri to find out who they are, but is targeted after that and the villains know not to respond

the students are scattered, its izu/tsuyu and hitoshi. they do the whirlpool thing w/o the sitcking, hitoshi instructs them to tread water and not to move

hitoshi is nearing quirk overuse, tsuyu is shaken, izu is pretty much ok

aizawa is fighting the villains as normal, the nomu arrives

hitoshi tries to mind control the nomu, kurogiri attempts to direct one of the nomus punches to hitoshi, aizawa cancels the portal, severing one of the nomus arms. its grows back, aizawa is beaten

izuku charges forward, fighting the nomu with a higher percentage of full cowl than he can safely use but they are evenly matched

todoroki shows up, cant help because the two are moving so fast he cant aim his quirk and not hit mido

he and hitoshi keep kurogiri busy

before allmight arrives, dabi and tenko do, after seeing tenya running towards the school

izuku can barely move, over using his quirk to the point that he has countless micro fractures and the nomu has landed a few punches, and he took others to protect aizawa

tenko yells at dabi to grab izuku, kurogiri mentions that his master killed tenkos family and hes pissed

he cant stand up to the nomu but shouto makes an opening and he and dabi try to damage it as best they can, shouto has to hold izuku down to stop him from joining the fight again

allmight arrives, quickly dispatches the nomu, turns on Kurogiri

so tenko, allmight and a shaky izu are all facing down kurogiri while afo is trying to convince him to keep fighting

reinforcements arrive and kuro nopes out

as soon as the portal closes, izuku collapses and tenko n allmight rush over, shouto is grabbing onto dabi and hitoshi is trying to get aizawa to respond

hitoshi, crying, has to ask dabi to pick up his dad because his arms are shaking to bad hes scared he might drop him

tenko has no gloves anymore and he cant touch izuku and hes just lost, shouto wraps an arm around him and hitoshi n they cry as dabi takes aizawa and allmight takes izuku to recovery girl

aizawa n izu in the same hospital, hitoshi tells him what izuku did n aizawa fucking, breaks out of bed like a jackass to call him a problem child then fucking limps back

less depressingly, happy families dabi and tenko do "get help" from Thor Ragnarok

"gET heLP hEs BUrnINg UP"

aizawa : "kids that movie is like 240 years old"

izuku : "so... you know it then?"

aizawa: "fuck"

nighteye and gran torino are izuku and tenko's terrible uncles

he stars school at 5%, internships is 10%, camp gets him up to 15% so hes around 25% at the eri rescue

ochako being a terrible influence on kirishima

“uraraka i like katsuki. what do”

“push it down”

“what”

“pUSH UR FEELINGS Down”

also happy families shouto actually interns w nighteye n izu because dabi said he was an ass so no death thanks

one person asks izuku what his quirk is

he pauses

"aaaaaaaaaa"

"hm"

"my mum has minor levitation and my dad is quirkless"

izuku pauses again.

"wait"

"wait im not toshis biologically"

"waiT Who WAs My FirST Dad?"

shouto thinks inko has an affair w allmight then married his secretary but izuku met toshinori through tenko so he just lays down on the floor and screams

shouto’s brain is going to explode one day

consider tenko and izuku looking soft and pure but you turn around and suddenly you dont have a wallet and your food is gone

happy family izuku and kastuki were eachothers first kiss but in a dumb ass way

izuku was like "i need to ruin my frist kiss so the next one will be better"

"wow me too, you seem like the worlds worst option!"

"cool!"

they both almost gagged afterwards

tenko walked in on them violently scrubbing their lips

“wow katsuki who was ur first kiss”

bakugou stares off fondly into the distance

“deku :))”

"it was fucking terrible" wistful sigh

izuku, blushing happily: “id never do it again”

izuku: "yeah i scrubbed my face until it bleed so none of my skin would be tainted"

first week of 1a, someone asking izuku if he and katsuki are/were dating so izuku asks ochako to launch him into the sun

no matter how many people they date everyone always insists that katsuki and izuku are dating each other

izuku is actually dating shouto but no one believes him for some reason

dabi and hitoshi find it so funny

please consider dabi being the frontrunner of these rumours, like these random first years will come up to izuku while he’s eating lunch with shouto and they’ll be in t e a r s

“wHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON BAKUGOU SENPAI?”

izuku starts crying

shouto, totally deadpan: "i thought our love was real, izu-chan"

izuku wheezes

they have a katsudeku fan club and shouto’s the mascot

dabi is in it. hes a full hero at this point but nezu gave him a pass so he could attend

they have weekly meetings

it’s dabi, shouto, kirishima and like twenty first year girls from every class

shouto, in a deadpan voice: “good morning girls today i saw katsuki and izuku sharing bread. discuss”

kirishima is one of the most popular fanartists

tenko loves the meme but looking at his brother and bakugo “dating” makes him deeply upset so he breaks in to decay all the art on the walls once a week

he crowds shouto in tears one day

“how are you okay with your boyfriend and your classmate being the subjects of such horrid art”

shouto, deadpan: “it’s just a prank bro”

izuku falls asleep in the common room and toshi carries him back to his room and has to call tenko to unlock the door for him. tenko was in his own dorm on the other side of school.

he sprinted

iida the good boy finishes his essays the week before and hands them in a day early

izuku, the hot mess, procrastinates by training until he cant feel his arms and doing any other subject work than the stuff due, stays up till 4am to finish his essay and doesnt go back to sleep cause its time for his morning run

they get the same grades

no one knows izuku is a hot mess

Dabi is like izuku but he doesnt study hes just depressed

Tenko finishes his the day before but he gets izuku to read it over

shouto does his essays in class

aizawa wants to be mad but he remembers him mic n tensei distracting the teachers for as long as they can to violently finish their essays

“katsuki why didn’t you finish your essay”

“i was making oreos from scratch sensei”

"fair, give me some and you can hand in it wednesday"

he bribes every single teacher into giving him extensions and no one can refuse him bc his extra spicy curry is to die for. he maybe sometimes he helps deku get an extension too but if he does that’s no one else’s business but his

izuku acts so soft w the others "oh isnt kacchans food so good? "

but he climbs into through katsukis window

"bitch whats the recipe"

izuku banging on katsuki s window at five in the morning: “kacchan give me ur fucking curry recipe you promised it to me three years ago”

bakugos hands shake as he tries to call aizawa

“i see u calling sensei kacchan, put the phone down and no one gets hurt”

he has one of katsukis limited editing all might figurines in his hand

“give me the recipe and all might lives katsuki. it doesn’t have to end this way”

shouji, stressed and sleep deprived walks into bakugou’s room just to see izuku menacingly trying to force his way in while bakugou is crying

[boygirlbothnoneimtheuniverse]

this is longer than expected

So kind of FAHC thing but not? Where in they all have superpowers and are heroes. Except Ryan. Who is an unwilling super villain.

Ok so Ryan would like it to be known that he is NOT a super villain. He is a mercenary that is being falsely accused! He uses the moniker Vagabond for mercenary work and gets hired to kill some rich lady. So he does. And it turns out that the rich lady was the mother of the local super hero. Ryan doesn’t particularly care but then the hero gets a hold of one of his business cards (what? They sounded like a good idea at the time) that has a simple broken crown on it. So now the hero is like “some evil doer known as the MAD KING has killed someone precious to me. They are my ARCH ENEMY” and Ryan wants NONE OF IT. Suddenly the hero is showing up everywhere trying to fight him and stop his evil plans and Ryan was at the store. Trying to buy milk. It gets so bad that Ryan’s like fuck it. I’m moving

So he moves to los santos. The city is a cesspool of crime so he shouldn’t run into any superheroes there right?

Ha

The first week he’s there he gets cornered in an alley by some muggers. Now Ryan isn’t scared. He’s the vagabond these guys can’t do anything to him. But then suddenly his vision is fill d with bright spandex and he almost has a god damn heart attack.

Insert Gavin, aka the golden boy, a superhero who can manipulate light to shine like a fucking gold bar. Ryan is unimpressed. Gavin “saves” him and then a second hero shows up to save them both when a third guy comes up behind them. The guy touches the muggers gun and it instantly turns to dust (Michael, or mogar, can touch something and deconstruct it into dust. He can also make things explode but Geoff always yells at him about civilians and shrapnel so he steers clear of that part of his powers).

Ryan leaves while the two heroes yell at each other over something stupid.

He’s heavily reconsidering staying here when he goes to the store and then someone comes I and starts to rob the place. Cue ANOTHER encounter, only this time it’s with the orange and purple monstrosity that is rimmy Tim. Who can apparently turn his body into a viscous consistency???? And stretch??? Or, as Ryan also sees, toughen his skin to near steel and bunch a guy right in the face. When the tries to make a run for it, a tall guy drops from the ceiling and fucking SPITS on the floor. The robber steps in it, is instantly stuck to the floor, and falls face first (Trevor usually doesn’t go out, his super power of sticky secretions not exactly fun, but Matt ate something while in his wolf form and got food poisoning so he’s just doing what he can to help.)

Ryan leaves through the back.

He’s almost convinced himself that it’s best for him to move on when he runs into a third dynamic duo and promptly wants to shoot himself. He doesn’t even know who they’re fighting or what they’re trying to stop. All he knows are that one of the heroes seems to have tattoos that are peeling off of his skin to fight someone and the second is controlling a random ass Palm tree in the middle of the street to whack some asshole on the head.

He almost want to go back to liberty city after the chaos he has witnessed within TWO WEEKS.

He needs to relax so he goes to a small book shop in a part of town that’s not that’s bad. He just wants to sit at a table with a Diet Coke and read a god damn book. Except he hears a familiar squawk and lo and behold, the fort hero he saw is over in the corner, being yelled at by a man with a familiar irritated voice. They’re joined by a short buff guy, a man covered in tattoos, and then a woman in a Hawaiian shirt.

Ryan can’t believe his luck. Did he somehow gain an extra power of fucking shit luck!?

He somehow gets drawn into the conversation and while he hates the fact that he knows what their day job is, he finds himself liking the group. He knows there’s more to their group (sticky spit is missing for one) but Michael mentions a wife that Ryan is almost positive was the lady throwing dark magic around to save a kitten stuck in a tree on his tv this morning.

He hates how attached he becomes in such a short amount of time. Months pass and Ryan fakes ignorance when it comes to what they do. He also gets even more anal about what targets he’s killing because he doesn’t want to accidentally kill one of his new friends family members. That’s just not on.

and then his worst nightmare happens: the hero he was running from? SHOWS UP IN LOS SANTOS.

Now he has not only that psycho after him (when hes in his vagabond gear), he also has his friends who dont know its him under the black skull mask. He never goes looking for trouble, he is just out doing his job and is then cornered which results in him running away. a lot. he used to fight back in liberty city but that just gave credence to the idea that he was a super villain (which hes not; super villains try to take over the world and ryan has never made any attempt! hes thought about it but thats beside the point).

plus he doesnt want to fight his friends. he actually likes them. cue shenanigans as they chase him through the streets.

something happens during one of these chases where ryan gets life threatning injury and the heroes think hes dead. except, ryan gets up with a HOLE IN HIS CHEST and flees the scene.

because ryan also has a power; immortality (deadpool flavored: he cant die. u can cut off his limbs and they just regenerate. so his power is more like weird regeneration than anything, but he thinks immortality sounds cooler).

and then i never really thought about what happens after but yeah that^

[nihiltism]

hiiiiii here to explain my last patchnote for now!!! because Another trope thought i was having was my love hate relationship with the redemption equals death trope. see, it can be By Far the most bittersweet way to end a deeply flawed character's plot, and with the ones I do see I wouldn't change for the world. buuuut in some cases it kind of feels like its also because itd be Really Hard to give them an actual redemption arc from a writers perspective. yknow. like theyve done so Much atrocities that you dont know how to write a redemption for them that feels fulfilling and. maybe the character thinks the same. maybe the character also thinks theyre too far gone for any sort of redemption and anyway doesnt know where to start.

so. basically i want to kill sera but not for long because i love trope subversion for myself only. i want this to be an act of self sacrifice but also likely something she Caused in the first place and my first thought was like. in a full on panicked breakdown (i do not know what spurs it on, dont worry about it) sera weaves a Husk Of A Beast out of roots and thorns around herself, caging herself from harm so she can lash what harm's already Internally there on others. and my thought about that would be that shes snapped out of her mania there when her creation goes after trigger, since it and her panicky first thought process only knows her as someone who wants to hurt her also. and i guess thats not Wrong but seeing this giant Thing she's wrought hold the closest thing she's had to a companion under its finger, with trigger knowing Full Well it's drosera this time. it feels like inverse deja vu of exactly what she was running from to start with and she can't handle it and breaks out of her own cage to destroy what she's created, trading finishing blows to protect the hunter she doesnt dare define her feelings on but definitely doesnt want to see die.

okay well. issue here that makes me giggle a bit. uhhhhhhh. cough. sin of odio. i think this is Really funny of a realization to make but also? i think this is a good enough idea to uh. not fucking care. sorry odio. i think its really funny how similar these guys are. thats just a side note so none of you can call me on it.

anyway patch note .5 here is that after the dust clears and sera does die to save trigger in order to maybe even die the hero she once thought she was (or, at least try to). trigger kind of explodes in a confused anger and manages to command the earth like sera could Just This Once to rip the fucking ground open and dive into hell to grab her and bring her back herself.

see, drosera is an Incredibly avoidant character and also really. not great at the whole self preservation thing because of the whole I Dont Know How To Make Up For What Ive Done And Dont Think I Can. thing. so she doesnt actually have any qualms with dying here to save trigger, 1 because its a chance to finally do something good for once after all the problems shes caused. but also 2, way more internally, it's a Fantastic way to run away again! so when trigger comes back to save her sera can only fight and scream at her to get back Out, to not be stupid and throw away everything her sacrifice was for. to not ruin the escape into misery she so deserves- and trigger calls her a coward. does sera really think that dying here will fix anything? she won't leave this pit without her, and sera refuses to let her fall into the same fate she has for something as seemingly undeserving as her. so they have one last, desperate fight in the firey pits of hell and for the first time in their eternal cat-and-mouse chase. trigger Wins. trigger with a sort of contempt in her voice orders her to get up and help her get out of here. that's the final ping that makes sera give up and agree to go with her. trigger physically Can't actually leave alone.

and thats what sets up her semi redemption arc!! im really normal!! i assume once they scramble their way back to the surface sera just immediately flumps over, something something howl ratio, and trigger has to drag her to some sort of medic but like. i think that after all the Waves Are Settled from that the chase kind of. stops. not to say sera didnt Try but theyre both kind of. still not really in any condition to have the same rivalry they did, and its not like either of them really Wanted to continue that really. oh Noooo youll have to be forced to be vulnerable and suffer each others company as something more than just enemies. so after a bit they end up setting back out Together, as sera tries the best she can to Actually Earn a redemption while trigger holds her to it. and maybe theyll get there someday but its still a way better position than before. also they have matching burn scars!!

(lies down and dies) okay everyone meet drosera shes my best friend she's my little meow meow she has 97 mental illnesses and is not allowed in most public spaces. most of my ocs have accidental character inspirations and at least 2 of them for her are the ones I want to put under a microscope and then into a blender if that's any indication of what she's like. if u can guess them u get a cookie.

anyway her deal is that she's an exile from Whatever Place She Lived In because she decided to do an Itty Bitty vigilante justice murder and was shocked when her town took that badly. (note: she thinks this murder is justified. she is quite possibly fully incorrect and very out of line either way.) being exiled for doing The Right And Just Thing gives her abandonment issues for days and she abandons her whole past identity in an outburst of (I never needed you all if all you ever do is turn your backs on me) and is now plotting to get revenge on her town in order to be an object lesson on what happens when you betray someone you loved. effectively she's putting herself as an example or, failing that, a martyr, but really her worse and worse actions are only caused by denial and her own lost pride. but she does not see that at all because all she sees Herself as is a disgraced hero

[alwaysjaimee]

1-100 ;)

wow alright!!

1) Sexuality?

Straight

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Alison Sudol, Emily Blunt, Taylor Swift, Emma Watson

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

‘forehead. If it hadn’t been for Voldemort, Harry would still….’ - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - J.K. Rowling

4) What do you think about most?

Everything. Anything I can stress or worry about mostly 

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

its the crying face emoji…

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with Pjs

7) What’s your strangest talent?

um I don’t even know tbh

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

uh 

‘Girls can conquer the world’

‘Boys can drive you insane’

LOL

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know about

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

prob yesterday in the car to annoy my friend 

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

I don’t think any of them are necessarily strange… Although I have a fear of Hyenas yet there are none anywhere near me or have I ever really been around any…

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

I don’t think so..

13) What’s your religion?

technically atheist. but I do think there is a god out there

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Reading or hanging out with friends or my dog

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

I like both

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

A Fine Frenzy. That counts as a band right?

17) What was the last lie you told?

Im not actually sure

18) Do you believe in karma?

Yeah a little

19) What does your URL mean?

‘Always’ is from Harry Potter and ‘Jaimee’ is my name

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I think my greatest weakness is; animals ( <3 <3 )

I think my greatest strength is; my judge of character

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Eddie Redmayne and Zac Efron

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nope

23) How do you vent your anger?

many ways. Song writing, dart throwing, crying and sleeping etc. depending on the situation also bottling it up for later

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I have a collection of snow globes and keyrings from places I’ve been. I also have a few Pop Vinyls. I also collect all the movie tickets and concert tickets that I’ve attended.

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Depends on the person

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

sort of. I don’t think Im fully to the point I want to be just yet

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Hate; Balloons popping, scrapping of forks/spoons on plates, nails on a chalkboard etc

Love; waves crashing against the shore, pianos, acoustic guitars, laughter etc

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

‘What if I had the courage to do that’

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes to a degree

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm; Book

Left arm; Pillow

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

The coconut ‘Victoria Secret mist’ I sprayed earlier

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

um idk

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

of America? or Australia? 

America; Seen the West Coast, not the East so ill go with East

Australia: East

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Voice wise Michael Buble

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Love. Family and Friends

36) Define Art.

Everything. The essence of the world. A way to make everything okay, even for a little while

37) Do you believe in luck?

sort of 

38) What’s the weather like right now?

coldish

39) What time is it?

1:55am

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes I do drive. NO I haven’t crashed 

41) What was the last book you read?

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban 

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

sort of

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Scout

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? 

cracked my head open

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Ive had them land on me but not ‘caught’ them

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Im low key obsessed with Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

straight

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

yes

50) Do you believe in magic?

Yes. Makes you believe anything is possible. 

‘Without even the possibility of magic, you’ll never find it’

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

If what they did was bad enough, then yes

52) What is your astrological sign?

Aries

53) Do you save money or spend it?

spend. but if I have something to save for I’m generally quite good

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

a birthday present for a friend and face wash (riveting I know)

55) Love or lust?

Love

56) In a relationship?

not right now

57) How many relationships have you had?

none that were very important 

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59) Where were you yesterday?

Out for lunch and shopping with one of my friends

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

my slippers, iPad, pillow, lamp and a box

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

Nope

62) What’s your favorite animal?

Dog

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

humor/wit/sarcasm

64) Where is your best friend?

at her house asleep

65) Spit or swallow?

LOL

66) What is your heritage?

Australian, New Zealand, English, Irish, Scottish

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Watching Youtube videos

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

um wtf

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

some questions just shouldn’t be asked

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I think so

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog. Couldn’t live with that guilt. If your boss still fires you after that, they’re not a good person to work for

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) Thats hard. I think maybe? but then thats a lot to put onto someone

b) Spend as much time with everyone as possible. See nature, read, try new foods etc

c) To an extent, hell yes

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

GAH THATS HARD. 

love. if someone really loves you they will strive for your trust and vis versa

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

‘Blow Away’ A Fine Frenzy

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

HA

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust, love, communication

77) How can I win your heart?

Being genuine, funny, kind hearted and trustworthy

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

honestly it can

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

moving on

80) What size shoes do you wear?

between a 9-10

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

something like 

‘family and friend. kind to everyone’ or something

82) What is your favorite word?

Serendipity

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

break

(darker than I would have thought)

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

‘bless’ and ‘anyway’

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

‘Lifesize’ - A Fine Frenzy

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

Purple, blue, light green/pastel green, pink, black

87) What is your current desktop picture?

iMac; Golden Gate Bridge at sunset surrounded by cloud

Laptop; Yosemite with a pink/purple sky

Phone; Me and my friend before she left to move to London

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

wow. um no one. well I mean, no one Im actually gonna write…

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

hmm thats tough

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

scream and cry without a doubt

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Telekinesis 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

probably something with my parents when I was younger. Like a party or game night or something like that. 

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

the stuff that happened in 2012

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Does Zac Efron count? 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

London

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that Im aware of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I don’t think actually in the car. but outside the door, yes

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yep

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

STOP HATING ON EACH OTHER. ACCEPT EACH OTHER. HATRED AND ANGER DOESNT SOLVE ANYTHING. WE ARE ALL HUMAN. WE ALL BREATHE THE SAME, BLEED THE SAME, DREAM THE SAME. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN SOMEONE ELSE SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THEIR GENDER, RACE, SEXUALITY OR ANYTHING ELSE. STOP KILLING EACH OTHER, STOP BULLYING EACH OTHER. LET PEOPLE LOVE WHO THEY WANT. HELP PEOPLE, DONT HURT PEOPLE. PROTECT EACH OTHER. BE KIND TO EACH OTHER. BE KIND TO ANIMALS. PROTECT ANIMALS. PROTECT NATURE. BE KIND TO OUR PLANET, ITS THE ONLY ONE WE’VE GOT

yep basically. 

[conspiracieys-archive]

Plum for the OC thing!

plum... my angel of small death and the codeine scene :’(

Full Name: Plum Rodriguez (no one knows her real first name (re: i never decided))

Gender and Sexuality: agender, bisexual

Pronouns: she/her

Ethnicity/Species: she’s mixed black/latinx and a human!

Birthplace and Birthdate: Boston, November 7, 2042

Guilty Pleasures: alcohol (bc she feels bad for drinking bc of... reasons), sitting in the rain (bc of other reasons??), idk. Plum tries to shut down her feelings and so most of the stuff she enjoys feels... guilty to her

Phobias: i mean her biggest fear ever is losing her family and gUESS WHAT BINCH!! she lost all of her family. her new biggest fear is being separated from X6. it kills her and she cant function without him. like, she will go days without sleeping and without eating and without drinking water if he’s not with her. shes terrified of losing him. she’s also terrified of losing kid Shaun and shes over protective of him and i just...

What They Would Be Famous For: Sole Survivor Brings the Commonwealth Into a New Era, and Mankind is Redefined

What They Would Get Arrested For: she will defend every synth ever and ppl in the ‘wealth just dont like that

OC You Ship Them With: ok she was in love with De/acon, but shes an Institute SS so... (i also lowkey ship her with Soul but thats another convo entirely)

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: p much any anti-Institute person in the ‘wealth, and also Joh would probably willingly fuck w Plum

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: NONE. jk, she likes fantasy movies and fantasy books. anything to get away

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: at this point in her life, she accepts anything she can get and doesnt complain too much

Talents and/or Powers: her talents include being such a good shot that people explode into blood and guts and gore on impact and building cool shit

Why Someone Might Love Them: please dont ask me this it causes me deep physical pain in my chestal region. that said, before... everything happened, she was more open, loving, passionate. she used to know how to laugh and have fun, and her smile was to die for, and her freckles r so cute ?! im in love with her what the fuck

Why Someone Might Hate Them: she’s blindly loyal. not so much blind but the implications of blind loyalty apply. she will be loyal to a cause no matter what. she will see and acknowledge it’s flaws, but she is nothing if not loyal. she picked the Institute. that was her end game. nothing in the entire world could have ever changed that. she won’t listen to reason, because she knows it wont change her opinions. its a big flaw, and it can very easily make people hate her. also in the Aftermath (AMOD, Aftermath of Deacon), Plum became very cold and cruel and the kind of person no one wants to be around unless they already loved her b4 the change

How They Change: SO like i said... when she left the Vault, she was ... she was upset and angry, and she powered thru the ‘wealth with a vengeance to find her son. but she also felt. she was whole and loved and enjoyed with reckless abandon. she made connections, formed bonds, experienced this new life to the fullest. and then, in the Aftermath she had to change to deal with her guilt. the guilt that fucking eats her away inside and kills her and makes her want to die. she learned how to shut down her emotions for the most part (granted, X6 and Shaun are still privy to what few genuine emotion Plum lets through) and she learned how to be Cold and Cruel and Unforgiving. she became a Tool for the Institute. she went from herself to a tool. im in pain

Why You Love Them: WHY THE FUCK NOT. shes my Plummy. my Plumkin!!!!! fuckijngk... FUCK.

[chigbungo]

all the asks

(thank u friend)

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.Ten Fingers by WatskyTiptoe by Imagine DragonsGood Run by Andrew HuangRabbit Hole by Blink-182Still Alive(Feat. Sara Quinn) by Jonathan CoultonWork Away by Classified

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?whoever tf my soulmate is im tryna feel loved

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“Focusing on a point 1/3 in puts everybody in focus” thanks bare bones camera course

4) What do you think about most?this is a good one im not actually entirely sure, probably how much i should be but do not want to be doing homework

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?i feel like there was one a while back but there’s one other i never got to hear the final product of

6) Do you have any strange phobias?idk i have really bad paranoia about shit being behind me

7) What's your religion?none of the above(nonreligious, not atheist)

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?walking to class lmao i need to get out more often

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?well if we’re talking strictly bands and not artists then probably either twenty one pilots or AJR

10) What was the last lie you told?idk probably something along the lines of “yeah I’m doing fine”

11) Do you believe in karma?sometimes? i dont really know tbh

12) What does your URL mean?im p much always sick, im dead inside, and at heart im a kid

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?greatest weakness: i fall for people way too easily, greatest strength: my sense of humor

14) Who is your celebrity crush?Ansel Elgort motherfucker

15) How do you vent your anger?i dont i just bottle it all up until i die

16) Do you have a collection of anything?yeah i have a small rock/crystal collection at home and i also collect some Funko Pop Vinyls. also i guess you could say i have a knife collection but i just like knives

17) Are you happy with the person you've become?absolutely fucking not im a lazy asshole

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?i guess it doesnt really count as a sound but i cannot stand silence, i get super paranoid and shit, i love the sound of laughter

19) What's your biggest "what if"?wow this is gonna be emo as hell but it’s “what if i never find someone to love me”

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts, yes, aliens, double yes

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right arm: bluetooth speaker, left arm: lamp

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?nothing really maybe some mac n cheese

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to?i could be super deep w this but ill just say high school

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?ansel elgort, beyonce

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?To find someone i can be happy and spend the rest of my life with(if you haven’t noticed a lot of who i am revolves around being in a relationship)

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?yeah i drive but i drive good so i dun did never crash

27) What was the last movie you saw?like the first 30 minutes of the player, but the last full movie i saw was probably something on netflix i dont remember

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had?idk i get really bad stomachaches sometimes

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?star wars the old republic is the only thing keeping me going right now

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?yeah in high school there was a rumor that my friend group was one big polyamorous relationship and we all had orgies on the weekends

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?fuck yeah i do im a bitter motherfucker, but the only person i really have a grudge against rn is my little brother garrett. fuck that kid.

32) What is your astrological sign?aries, is it any surprise

33) What's the last thing you purchased?uhhhh not counting the two sodas i bought with hawk dollars last night? a 30 day subscription to swtor

34) Love or lust?LOVE

35) In a relationship?no i wish :(

36) How many relationships have you had?oh boy either 16 or17 im honestly not sure

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?jokes for days and cheesy flirting

38) Where is your best friend?like 30 minutes away i wanna see him

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?playing swtor

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?fuck yeah im my favorite kind of person(that sounds really conceited but hey who cares i like people like me)

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?save that mf dog my boss can choke if they’re gonna fire me for that

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?I would tell like. 4 people honestly. I’d drop out of school and overdraw my bank account to hell doing everything i’ve ever wanted to like paintball and traveling. and yeah id be fucking terrified and probably just sob constantly the last few days.

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?Things Are Looking Up by Classified

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?being with someone that makes you incredibly happy and you can talk to for hours on end without getting tired of them. someone that likes you for who you are, and that loves hearing about your interests and you love hearing about theirs

45) How can I win your heart?compliment me and listen to me ramble about stupid shit like SCP or star wars for hours

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?i dont fuckin know sometimes?

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?i havent made a whole lot of good decisions in my life, so probably coming out as nonbinary and finally being comfortable with who i am

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“one of the few joys in life is the joy of others” -Griffin Delouise Hutchersworthington XLII(forty-secondteenth)

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."broken lmao

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?black n red im an emo bitch

51) What is your current desktop picture?a nice rainforest waterfall, my whole computer has a green foresty theme

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?can i say myself

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?emo answer: “are you happy?” funny answer: “did you wake up before 2pm today?”

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?FLIGHT MOTHERFUCKER I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ABLE TO FLY I ALWAYS HAD FLYING DREAMS AS A KID

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?the time i first got glasses. I could finally see the world clearly and I cried like a bitch

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?dating my abuser

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?i was about to say ansel elgort again but i feel like id wanna be best friends with him, so probably Nate Ruess(the singer for Fun.)

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?ooooooooh, probably either Canada or Los Angeles

59) Ever been on a plane?yeah i dont really have an opinion of flying though like i dont love but i dont hate it either

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.(in no particular order)Ansel ElgortRyan ReynoldsLupita Nyong’oRyan HaywoodRicky Montgomery

[gaberoothekangaroo]

this is kinda going to be long.

my dad gets so fucking worked up about things and it fucking drives me bonkers because hes just being an ass about it. like we were watching transformers on tv and it had some extra interviews and it talked about the differences of opinion between shia and michael bay on how to do a scene. so my dad is spouting off about how ‘directors are lazy and complacent and they need to learn from others successes’ and on and on and on. and im like ???? there are like only a handful of series that go from one movie to the next??? and so we got into it. like i explained to him that this is a recent thing in the past ten years to have movies that all link up to one another that tell a whole story, rather than having a story that has a beginning middle and end and then adding on a sequel. cause lets be real most sequels suck cause theyre trying to recaputre the glory of the first movie and they dont live up to it.

so hes just fuckin goin off about how this that and the other. and i point out to him that the marvels movies started out as flops. like iron man was pretty good, then two just was in the toilet. well it was the first of its kind. they closed the doors on the first movie. it was a little hard to try to reopen things they had already closed. so they learned and the third movie was pretty good. then we have all the other movies in the franchise that build off each other. yeah they make mistakes, but these guys have all learned and built off each other. 

NOPE. hes like hauling off about laziness and they need to look at other peoples successes and failures on working in series. and im like ?????? asshole, do you not realize there are not that many series out there???? and so we just keep fighting over it and it gets to the point where im like ‘dude, its a fucking novel that theyre taking from a script and turning it into a visualization. you have a problem with their lack of continuity or their characterization, thats where your problems lie, not with the producer’

so then hes just like freaking out hardcore and hes like ‘movies and books are different’ and im like how? how could they possibly be different? world building, characters, a plot, a beginning middle and end. like how are they different aside from the fact one is visual and one is text based? and he just cant see that theyre literally the same thing. and so he keeps freaking out.

and im like ‘if i were to write a book on xyz, i wouldnt go look at the other successful authors that wrote something similar. thats fucking stupid.’ and hes like ‘thats not what i was saying’. um yes it is. if youre talking about looking at something and trying to base it off its predecessors successes and failures, then...wouldnt you have to...idk find something that was actually similar before you can make comparisons???

idfk. he had an issue with the fact that michael bay is a jackass and wanted ‘to do things his way’ and wasnt going to let shia do something he wanted to do. yeah okay creative differences, still made a fairly okay movie. not the actors fault that theres four of these stupid movies. but he was raging hardcore over the fact that the director was ‘lazy and complacent’. so what is his laziness? is there some sort of standard hes following? what is his complacency? like i? dont? understand???

the complacency youre talking about is he wanted a fucking paycheck. the first one was successful and he probably won awards and there was acclaim. so whats stopping him from trying to make a second? a third? he has the characters. he somewhat has the world. its not his own idea, no, because hes taking from an already fairly successful source. but hes moulding the characters to his needs and purposes. same thing with his screenwriter.

i have more anger directed towards the screenwriter than the producer because if the script/characters suck, its on them. they wrote the fuckin thing. if you dont know how to worldbuild or write a cohesive character outside of a single individual film, thats on you and your creativity, not the producer. but nope, he couldnt see it that way. and he kept yelling about how i was putting words in his mouth and this that or the other. like jesus fucking christ man.

im so fucking over how he cant see another point of view. he does this shit with everything. like i need to move fucking far away again. i cannot do this shit. it drives me near up the wall.

he gets so mad that im ‘so literal’ ‘all the goddamned time’. okay well...im not yelling every five seconds that the english language is being destroyed and cant accept change. ‘i was taught all the rules and exceptions’. bullshit. if you were, youd speak worse than a goddamned textbook. you wouldnt sound human. you wouldnt fit in to your social environment. you would be stiff. yet whenever you hear a new word, jesus lord almighty the world is coming down around your ears. its bad when others say it, but you dont mind when we do it. righto.

he makes me so mad. he just doesnt want to look outside his viewpoint. as understanding as he is, he doesnt want to learn. he says he likes learning, but he doesnt actually. if it goes away from what he was taught or something hes stood by for forever and a half, he doesnt want it to change. its like tough luck asshole, thats how things happen. if you dont want change, move to a cave. i dont like change either, but im not yelling from the rooftops about it. nor am i blinded by my viewpoints.

the dumb thing about all this is, is that i dont have anyone i can talk to this about. none of my friends really wanted to stay in contact after we grew up. i havent made too many strong relationships after childhood. the ones i have made, i dont want to feel like im bothering them. i dont want to feel like im incessantly talking nonstop and only about myself and my problems. so i bottle it and then it explodes and then after im done writing it out or talking it out, im still angry. my anxiety is still high. but im over it. im done talking about it. i could get riled up again, but it just tires me out.

like i feel like i used to have a good relationship with my dad, but then i moved away. i learned some new things. i saw some different view points. i aligned myself with others that were abroad. i try to look at things differently. and now that ive come back, its like hes exactly where i left him. he didnt change, but i did. he doesnt want to learn or grow. he thinks hes done, that this is the most him he can be.

it makes me really angry because i want to share things with him. i want to talk to him about the things that excite me, that i think might excite him cause we share a lot of common interests. but then all i get is push back and anger and confrontation and it just makes me tired. it makes me angry too, but i just want to be done and over with it. i want to be away from it. from him.

when i left, i didnt know mothers werent supposed to be that way. now that ive learned thats not how any individual should be, i can see how dads shouldnt be that way either. im not saying hes abusive like my mother, but hes nearly there. belittling and jeering and outright testosterone fueled meanness when things dont go his way or i dont perform to his standards. theres even a disparity between how understanding he used to be and how understanding he is now. the older i get and the further i get away from who i used to be, the less understanding he seems to be. it makes me sad. it makes me angry. it makes me want to leave and not come back. it makes me want to go and to go and to go. at the same time, i live in a constant state of existential crisis. life is short and nothing has meaning. all that stuff. so theres fear, true panic inducing fear that dominates my line of thinking for a few days before i get it under control and so i dont want to lose my relationship with my dad. he is probably one of the closest people in my life. but he also keeps getting more distant as time progresses.

nights like tonight just make me want to cry. i go from anger to sadness/panic to exhaustion. like ive ranted, ive changed the subject a couple times now, but i dont feel better. theres still a low simmer of anger in my chest thats constricting in the way anxiety is constricting.

i dont want many more of these situations. i guess its time to move. i dont want to do it permanently, but it looks kinda like it might have to be. and if it is permanent, that means i leave behind my grandmother who means the world to me. it means i leave behind one of my best friends, a friend i believed would die and i wouldnt be informed of his passing a few years ago. i already left some close friends behind in my last state of residency. i read a lot because i choose to escape from things. i have a hard time facing things. like facing the fact that my dad is probably not going to change as a individual and will continue to be confrontational and a hypocrite. i really wanna cry but my depression doesnt allow it.