#there was major stuff that happened recently and Im really proud of everyone taking it in stride

[randompasserbyer]

Dear Hermitcraft fandom,

thank you for being normal.

Sincerely, me.

[jayparked]

Snail!!! This is the writer anon and the anon who complained about those pics of Riki 😕 I actually stumbled upon another one again with smth similar because of his Like Jennie. I really like checking out blogs like I’m window shopping but this shi keeps on happening to me for some reason so maybe it’s a sign that I should stop 😃 I’m still kinda upset tbh. But I’m also glad there’s still a decent population out there who actually cares about stuff like this. I’ve been saying -anon so much lol I suppose I need a name now, can I be 🦢?

I’ll be sharing updates soon about my writing shenanigans but rn I just wanna talk about PARK JONGSEONG in the recent album. I’m so in love with Helium 😩 why is it so good?! I can’t even choose a favorite part in the song because I loved it from beginning to end, though I do find myself replaying Sunghoon’s verse again and again, especially “내 혈관은 danger now, I can’t take this out” 😔 it’s so pleasing to the ears! I’m not even Jay biased but I really found myself admiring his vocals (in this whole album) a lot more than I already do. I saw someone say he’s basically a lovechild of boybands and I really agree 🤭 He’s such an amazing artist (and person!) and I’m so proud of and inspired by him. I wish all men were like Park Jongseong 🙄

And I’m glad you’re doing better Snail! Please take care of yourself 🫂 your health always comes first before anything else. I really wish for your overall state to be a lot better and may the world be kind to you 🫶

this reply is SO LATE IM SO SORRY i put all of your asks here just so you can see my reply in one place 🫶

i also check out blogs before i interact bc...there really are some weird entitled people out there...i still get upset when i think about the riki posts :/ thankfully the majority of my followers are similar to how i view and respect him so it's def a safe space here!

🦢is so cute and fits you so well 🥺

yes please keep me updated on your writing!! i hope it's been going well for you so far! i'm trying to get writing back into my normal routine but between weekly therapy and lots of overtime (i did two 14 hour shifts this week lmao kill me) it's been hard to focus. but i'm making a lot of really good progress with therapy so i'm heading in the right direction!

i'll be SO HONEST it's taken me a bit to get into the new album. it just feels so different for them and although it's good (i literally go around singing with or without you like it's my damn job) i think i just really miss orange blood/dark blood/romance untold/daydream era. but jay is just so!!!! AS USUAL. and riki in the mv????? it seems like he's getting more comfortable and really finding himself and he did SO WELL. ALL HIS LINES HAD ME!!!!!!! anyways i absolutely love jay and love seeing how much he has grown as an artist and a person. he's so insanely talented and an allrounder and he's just such an inspiration to me. fr why cant all men be like him SIGH (i will say my bf is very jake coded tho)

and as you can see you did hit anon so you're safe! and even if you did forget to hit the anon button i wouldn't post the ask and i would delete it asap. i respect your guys's privacy and want you all to feel like you can trust me!

the world is such a scary place right now and i wish there was more that i could do. i'll never understand how anyone of any gender, orientation, religion, race, ethnicity etc can ever be seen as less than. we're all people and everyone deserves the right and freedom to be who they want to be. i'm hoping this is rock bottom for the united states bc at least we can build up and regrow from there. i've seen a lot of people wake up and realize the severity of whats going on and how simple privilege can impact so much

[queenevanscent]

Basic Training

This post has been sitting in my drafts for months now, during which I've come up with a few ways I wanted to write this post. This is what I've come up with.

Basic Training is the episode which made me hate Ben the most. The whole episode consisted him of being a stuck up brat only to be rewarded for it in the end.

This episode was the perfect opportunity to have Kevin in the spotlight and show how skilled and smart he is.

Gwen's presence in this episode was actually fine, there's no change needed for that.

Look, I know the shows named Ben 10 but we have seen Ben be the hero tons of times already.

And Ben being egoistic about his heroism is not something new in the franchise.

There have been episodes on the OS where Ben got a big head, yet I dont ever see anyone complaining about that.

Was is it because he was 10 that we excuse this behaviour? Nope.

15 - 16 is still pretty young and his attitude can be excused at this age as well.

My opinion? It was handled better in the OS.

There were times when Ben wasn't always the main focus.

In Lucky Girl, Ben has his ' who's your hero?' Moment.

They showed Gwen feeling jealous and hurt by the fact she wasn't noticed much.

It was realistic.

Then the epsiode proceeded to focus on Gwen , having Ben being kind of like a sub plot to the story.

Towards the end Ben compliments her.

So yeah Ben got big head, but at the same time they shifted focus so that the audience wouldn't find it annoying.

Gwen was in the spotlight for a bit, giving people a break from Ben.

Secondly  , in Be Afraid Of The Dark, Ben again is shown to be slightly stuck up, but towards the end of that episode he learns and acknowledges Gwen and Grandpa for help and understands his crime fighting is more of a team effort.

In Galactic Enforcers, we are shown there are other heros besides Ben as well.

Ben wasn't the sole focus of that episode. Yes it was about him but also about the Galactic Enforcers.

I don't think he was shown to be over confident here , but it was nice to see some other heros in the scene.

The Ben 10,000 episode focuses on how Ben was too focused on his job and the lesson at that was Ben needed to relax and have them Galactic Enforcers take the lead instead.

Again , his attitude towards everything was brought in focus but towards the end he learnt something.

I recently started watching Generator Rex and I can't help but compare Rex's character to Ben's.

Rex is also proud , rushes into things and considers himself to be a hotshot. But they also show him being down ,having trouble with his nanites and actually voice out his insecurities.

He's still the hero, still has things go his way most times but it's not annoying like Ben.

( I've only seen like 7 episodes so far so I don't know if this going to go down hil or not but so far so good)

The issue with the sequels after the OS was that Ben was the focus a bit too much.

We as the audience were rarely ever given a break from him.

Other than a few conversations here and there about his attitude,  nothing really was done about it.

Gwen should've been appreciated more for saving Kevin and Kevin should've been appreciated for stopping Aggregor.

But they weren't.

If it had been Ben , they would've made sure to show him getting some sort of recognition or trophy.

Back to the Basic Training episode.

We know he's the legendary Ben Tennyson, we know he's a hero. We didn't need another episode on it.

Instead the plot should've focused on Kevin. His skills, his abilities.

Ben would act the same but Magsiter Hulka should've put some sort of cover so Ben couldn't use the omnitrix.

Ben goes on breaking rules,  and having a hard time being a hero without the watch.

Towards the end, it should've been Kevin who cracks the case and saves Hulka. Ben is mad he can't use the omnitrix but instead uses the guns and other weapons he's learnt to use at the academy

He's not amazing at them , but it makes him realise that he is hero , watch or not, something that has been emphasised in the show. Its not impossible for him to function without the watch.

Towards the end, Ben getting a 95 was a stretch. I'm sorry , but the guy wasn't great with using weapons and without the watch I dont think he would've been able to complete that hostage excercise.

I'm thinking more like 89%.

Gwen gets 98, that's fine and Kevin gets a 100.

Hulka comes in and awards the medal (?) to Kevin, suggesting he's becoming more like his father.

( im ignoring the ret con, plus the retcon I'm assuming wasnt thought off at this point by the writers)

Ben is shown to take one of the guns back to earth, because he thinks they're cool and he wants to practice and get better at them.

The whole hostage situation makes him want to get better at making strategies.

Yes he's good at improv, but he needs to learn to properly plan as well.

It doesn't matter if he's never shown to use the gun ever again, and he's back to relying on the omnitrix.

Or maybe some time down the line, he could use the weapon, even if it for a second, to show that he is improving and getting better.

Before you say 'he's already a hero, he doesn't need to learn anything ' sorry but no.

He's 16. He may have saved the world but he still has growing up to do. Different battles are going to arise all the time.

Saying he is perfect at 16 is dumb. Saying he's perfect when he's ben 10k , it'll make some sense. He's been around for a while and is pretty experienced.

The watch is a part of him, but seeing him try to explore other options would've been a fresher idea.

Another scene that made me mad was the court (?) scene in Vreedle, Vreedle.

Ben being a hero shouldn't make him above the law.

Domstol ruling in favor of Ben just because he's the legendry Ben Tennyson was stupid.

After Ben's little monologue , and destroying Domstols desk, the judge should've just informed him that being a hero does not excuse him from following the law.

Kevin could've had his little moment doing some negotiation ( would've been nice to see how he works as con artist) and Ben could've jumped in and helped while making some good points for the argument, showing us he's not stupid.

Then having Domstol rule in their favor would've made sense.

On the way back to earth there could've been a joke about how Ben watches Judge Judy too much which is where he learnt about trials and stuff. Or maybe Gwens dad taught him a thing or two at some point.

All this doesn't mess with Ben's character all that much, he's still the hero of the show, he still has his ego but it makes him more likeable, shifts focus from his attitude, and shows us he's pretty smart and is growing into a good hero.

Ben's not a bad guy. I mean he is the hero of the show. There are tons of scenes which show he's good , like the whole sacrificing thing so the ultimates could live and all.

But little scenes here and there tend to be enough for someone , especially for someone who isn't a super hard-core Ben lover to form negative opinions on him.

Although calling him a psychopath / narc is out of line because I don't find him to be like that. His attitude was magnified by him being in the spotlight too much and writers not having a good balance in writing situations.

Ben being the main character of the show is at risk of becoming hated or less appreciated just because he's the font runner of the show.

Admit it, side characters tend to get more love most times than the main agonist of shows.

I've been watching videos on YouTube on this topic as to why this happens , and what I've come up with is that writers of shows tend to focus too much on main character. Things seem to go their way most times and this tends to get on peoples nerves, consciously or subconsciously because it's not exactly realistic.

Having shows where everything focuses on one person most times tend to backfire.

I don't mind Ben having a big head, I dont mind him making jokes and being so casual.

It's his defense mechanism to protect himself from drowning into the struggles and pressures of being a hero. But always having him be that way isn't good.

The writers should've executed it properly.

( okay this post got really long,  more than I thought it would. If you're read the whole things , congratulations on making it here lol.

I'm not going to stop anyone from replying to this because everyone has different opinions and we all have the freedom to express them.

Although I believe I've made my point and I've made sure to keep in mind all the arguments about why bashing Ben is wrong when he's not a bad guy while typing this out.

I don't think I've directed any major hate towards him , its mostly towards the writers for making the situations like that,but if you think I have you can reply to it.

I'm not gonna reply back though , because again I feel I've made my point.

Any agreements / disagreements you have with the post feel free to share because it is your right.

Any disagreements you have with other members,  as long as its related to the post you can share it.

Any issues you have personally with other members,  please keep them to your selves.

I will not tolerate bullying , harassing,  name calling and petty arguments on my post and blog page.

If this happens I will simply delete this post and re-upload it.)

[ofkanes]

me   pulling   up   wayyy   later   than   expected   :   👀👀,   fhdjs   hi   !!   i’m   nik   but   u   can   call   me   nikolaj   (   b99   stans   only      😤)   &   i’m   here   to   bring   my   mess   of   a   baby   kane   !!   ok   so   i’m   literally   too   excited   for   this   group   pls   don’t   @   me   .   before   i   start   i   just   wanna   say   that   all   ur   intros   ??   shakespeare   is   quaking   !!   send   tweet   .

[   jack   gilinsky   ,   he   /   him   ,   twenty   two   ,   cis   male   ]   do   my   eyes   deceive   me   ,   or   did   i   just   see   (   KANE   MORGAN   )   getting   out   of   the   car   in   hunnington   ?   i   guess   (   HE’S   )   living   around   (   ROCK   SPRINGS   )   ,   which   i   could’ve   guessed   .   hopefully   they   can   keep   their   (   -   SHORT   TEMPERED   &   -   COMPLACENT   )   shit   to   theirselves   ,   and   focus   on   being   (   +   ADAPTABLE   &   +   CHARMING   )   to   avoid   any   problems   .   and   for   the   love   of   god   ,   lets   hope   they   don’t   talk   about   the   (   HIDDEN   )   thing   .

ʙᴀᴄᴋsᴛᴏʀʏ 

ok lemme say that i envisioned kane as a movie bby , you’ll get what i mean in 2 secs . 

his two parents are both movie directors , his mother is an actress turned movie director . the morgan surname is well - known across the silver screens everywhere , not one that people take it lightly . here’s some background about his parents . 

tim morgan : father , but mostly known of his work as a movie director , i wanna say he has the career claim of frank darabont ( directed : the shawnshank redemption , the green mile , mary shelley’s frankestein , the walking dead ... etc ) . he earned his name despite being , at first , a nerdy film school student . very proud person , definitely snobbish . 

ingrid jackson - morgan : mother , but also a very good actress , i was thinking she had the career claim of michelle pfeiffer (  scarface , grease 2 , batman returns , hairspray , murder on the orient express ... etc ) . she comes from a line of models & actresses , so it’s no surprise there . 

now you have young kane morgan , now im ashamed to say he was named after citizen kane , his parent’s favourite movie ( rlly no taste ngl ) & you’ll never guess his middle name .... brando . that’s it , i’m cancelling him . 

but basically he’s a little accident that happened before the marriage , oops ? so really , an unhappy surprise for ms & mr morgan . his mother wasn’t very happy w his arrival because all she wanted to do was to work on movies & NOT take care of a child . 

don’t worry , cuz kane rlly felt that unhappiness ooze outta her . gr8 nannies though , he loves them . 

his father was happy to have someone to teach all his knowledge to , nerd alert , but that was one of the few moments he appreciated kane . that’s it . 

so one could imagine the disaster of a kid being brought up by movie stars ( read : nannies ) , not a stranger to cameras , red carpets & all that good stuff . 

ofc he was a child actor , his parents tried to put him in almost every movie they could , spreading that good morgan family name n all . kane didn’t think much of it , until he was old enough to understand .

he was definitely a little bratty , demanding attention from everyone all the time . being as fickle as they come , but that’s only because his parents didn’t give a flying fuck . 

as he grew up , still on the spotlight , he liked to be on & off the camera . some years , he yearned to be the center of attention & other’s he hated the job . very hard to keep up with . 

when he turned sixteen , he had his first ( & probably not last ) proper hollywood breakdown , almost as bad as brittany circa 2007 . he got a good role & was introduced to the bad side of hollywood . parties , drugs , shady people & all that good stuff . he was influenceable & fell into all the traps . it was only 2 years later that his parents were able to snap him out of it . they ofc paid all the tabloids to keep the good name out of their articles , but if you do your research , you’ll find some pretty pics of lil morgan . 

since then , he has cleaned up his act . ofc he took a couple of years off , went to college, tried to focus on himself & discover who he was ( he wasn’t only a morgan , he was kane !! who is kane ?? ) & he only started starring in roles recently , post college graduation . 

he just got off his first acting job post - hiatus & it’s a blockbuster . i was thinking maybe inspired on those coming of age movies ( à la hot summer nights but w more traction ) & people are freaking out !! kane morgan on the big screen ?? WHAT ?? he came back to nc before he decides on what to do next .

ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ

ok so you can already guess that kane morgan is no humble kid . i like to think he has layers , but ppl can’t be bothered to look through all of them . 

some would say that his major problems stem from the fact that his parents didn’t give him enough attention & the public gave him too much . 

having your parents’ attention ? that’s so 2002 . 

for the press i like to think he has this movie star facade down . you know the old charming james dean smile , handsome but kind . loves the underdog , very humble about his social standing . generous , outgoing & loved by everyone . 

idk i never met james dean , all the information i have on him is taylor swift’s song : style .  

now if we dig a little deeper , he’s still quite the charmer ( c’mon he’s an actor after all ) , but maybe not as humble nor kind . he can be quite rude & entitled , but has some good jokes . don’t get him completely wrong , he’s still a bit generous ( he gives 25% tips wow ) . likes a good party , but knows his limits . always down for a good time . 

if we go even deeper , oof , he’s a bit broken . never learned to love properly , all he has it’s movies , which we can all agree are shit if you’re gonna base your attachment type on it . he lives on his own little world & likes to keeps his guards up . a sweetheart really , you can see past all the snobby film critic bullshit & he’s just a boy who wanna have fun & have a good life like all those people on the screen . 

you   would   fucken   think   im   a   film   major   but   NO   ,   i’m   not   even   that   fancy   w   movies   .   and   after   all   reading   all   those   movies   titles   ur   head   must   be   spinning   ,   MINE   IS   !!   but   ily   &   ur   an   absolute   queen   /   king   /   monarch   if   you   read   thru   all   of   this   !!   let   me   tag   my   plot   page   below   hehe   ,   it’s   were   we   get   angstyyy   !

plot page babey

[cleoselene]

swiftjolras replied to your post “I cannot even describe how bad my night was  but I almost got maced in...”

what the fuck cleo i'm so sorry, are you guys safe now?

I’m okay.  I don’t know about my friend.  She’s in the hospital.  I got kicked out because they were treating her like shit, like doctors do, and she is probably gonna freak out when she wakes up and I’m not there, and all her stuff is in my car, and i’m so scared for her because this hospital was like some tv nightmare.  The Nazi was a security guard booting me from the hospital for challenging the doctor’s disrespectful care, which was deeply disrespectful.  I still have all her stuff and I don’t know how to get it to her, it was in my car. 

He must have been about 6′7″ he had about five cronies, all of them about that size, to intimidate a disabled woman on chemo with MS who can barely walk.  I turned around when I realized her things were in my car and she was in the hospital and he was inches from my face.  I said, “you look exactly like a Nazi, don’t you?”

He winked, and the pepper spray bottle was in my face with a full-on smirk.

I really did dare him, because I have more guts than brains.  He wanted to, but I think even he realized six rent-a-cops beaitng up a disabled woman in a hospital parking lot was probably a major lawsuit waiting to happen.

they threatened to call the cops.  I welcomed it.  I was ready to not move.  But my mom said, and I can’t fucking believe this, that she wouldn’t bail me out.  If cops had come to drag me out because I, a Medical Sociologist, was witnessing medical staff mistreating a vulnerable patient, I would have been badly injured, and she told me she wouldn’t bail me out.

It’s going to take a very long time for me to forgive her for this.

thebiscuiteternal replied to your post “I cannot even describe how bad my night was  but I almost got maced in...”

Jesus Christ, are you hurt?

only very deeply in my soul.

strikeouts-and-saxophone

replied to your post

“I cannot even describe how bad my night was  but I almost got maced in...”

Oh my god that’s awful, are you safe/okay now? I’m so sorry that happened

I’m more worried about my friend.  She’s still in that medical shop of horrors but I managed to speed dial some health care advocated that I found recently in my own PTSD adventures who I confirmed did indeed make it there.  They said they stayed with her for quite a while.  But I still don’t know how to get her stuff or her a ride home.  I’m trespassed from the fucking hospital.  Me, the sickest person alive.

shewritesinthethirdperson replied to your post “I cannot even describe how bad my night was  but I almost got maced in...”

Yeah, Im with everyone else. That's a bunch of stuff you shouldn't have had to deal with, that's especially shitty of your mom, but most importantly, are you and the friend somewhere safe?

I am.  She’s in the hospital.  I hope she’s safe.  But I don’t trust health care providers as far as I can kick them.  I have no idea how I’ll sleep tonight and I’ve been awake for 40 hours already.

I do plan to raise holy hell over this.  If anyone wants to help me research.

Dr. Wortz was the name of the doctor.  He was bad.  the Nurse in charge of the ER department was worse.  All I know is that her name is Rebecca (unsure of spelling, I had to do a ridiculous accent calling them up to get that much info and pretend I was scared of coronavirus).  She has long brown wavy hair and blue eyes.  Dr. Wortz is a proud MAGAT.  They work ER at Lee Memorial Hospital in Fort Myers, but I don’t know if it’s full time.

My mom always told me she wouldn’t bail me out if it was something bad, like drugs or robbery or violence.  But if it was taking a principled stand, protecting someone, she would.  She made me that promise and she broke it tonight and I had earlier today promised to try family counseling but I don’t even want to look at her right now.  I’m ashamed of myself for being too feeble to fight harder.  I’m ashamed because I know there are feebler people who would have fought harder and taken the mace to the face.  I feel like a fucking wimp.  And like I abandoned my friend who is injured and scared and very timid by nature alone now. And when she wakes up she won’t even have her phone or know where the fuck I am.

[wherethewindtakesher]

actually all qs cuz I wanna get to know u :) boink!

OF COURSE BOINK ANON!

I will be excluding the ones Ive done (:

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? Wine glasses/water bottles c:

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? Bubblegum! im not really a big fan of cotton candy tbh.

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? for some reason, soda from plastic cups hit different 😞

7. earbuds or headphones? headphones in the winter, earbuds in the summer.

9. favorite smell in the summer? the smell of my oncoming de- the smell of flowers blooming.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? it depends, some mornings I skip breakfast all together, others i’ll have a light snack, or I just have some cereal or make an egg.

12. name of your favorite playlist? ‘Recently added’

13. lanyard or key ring? landyard so I can find my keys easily. I still lose it tho-

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? spicy or sour candies are dope a f.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? The first book I read that I actually enjoyed was twilight.

16. most comfortable position to sit in? with my legs w I d e open because I cant sit properly.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? my tan/floral converses.

18. ideal weather? cloudy, cold, and raining 😌.

19. sleeping position? on my stomach, leg raised to my abdomen while the other is in the open air, and hands underneath my pillow. the BEST.

21. obsession from childhood? picking my scabs-

22. role model? my mom and sisters.

24. favorite crystal? garnet. It’s also my birthstone! I have it as a gem for my class ring.

25. first song you remember hearing? “bidi bidi mom mom” by selena quintanilla.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? if it’s not scorching hot, go on walks.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? snuggle up in a blanket and watch movies.

28. five songs to describe you? ‘humble’ kendrick lamar, ‘cry baby’ melanie martinez, ‘stupid’ ashnikko, ‘paparazzi’ lady gaga, ‘or nah’ ty dollar $ign.

29. best way to bond with you? send me M E M E S-

30. places that you find sacred? my bed.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? ripped jeans, boots, a crop top, and a jacket.

33. most used phrase in your phone? fuck.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? that empire carpet wash commercial.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? DAT BOI.

37. suitcase or duffel bag? duffel bag.

38. lemonade or tea? how about both of them combined 😉.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? I hate pie 🙊

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? someone brought a gun and it fell out of their backpack during 2nd period.

41. last person you texted? @caws5749

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? pants pockets. BUT THE DEEP ONES NOT THOSE SMALL FUCKING ONES.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? hoodies or a bomber jacket.

44. favorite scent for soap? Lavender.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? superhero!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? naked-

47. favorite type of cheese? queso fresco.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? mango.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “im a bad bitch you cant kill me”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? anytime my friends and I joke around.

51. current stresses? school, personal issues, and my NEW JOB THATS RIGHT YALL YO GIRL EMPLOYED.

52. favorite font? calibri.

53. what is the current state of your hands? kinda rough but smooth.

54. what did you learn from your first job? that people fucking suck.

55. favorite fairy tale? little red riding hood.

56. favorite tradition? eating tamales during christmas time.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? that im not perfect, my flaws are just as beautiful as my perfections, and that im just ug-

58. four talents you’re proud of having? im not talented aT ALL. uh...

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? ‘let’s fuck ‘em up’

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? sasuke from naruto or mey-rin from kuroshitsuji.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? “see you in a minute”

62. seven characters you relate to? natasha, cristina yang, dexter, ford, thor, scott lang, and tony.

63. five songs that would play in your club? ‘bodak yellow’, ‘man of the year’, ‘rockstar’, ‘bickenhead’, ‘slumber party’.

64. favorite website from your childhood? I forgot the name but it was that educational site with the orange robot and human.

65. any permanent scars? my entire body is riddled in scars no joke.

66. favorite flower(s)? hibiscus and roses.

67. good luck charms? my dog’s name tag.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? onions-

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? that cracking your joints won't give you arthritis.

70. left or right handed? im mixed handed but I do the majority of stuff with my right.

71. least favorite pattern? plaid.

72. worst subject? MATH FJSKSJKFSJS I HATE IT.

73. favorite weird flavor combo? have yall tried chocolate milk with chicken nuggets-

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 8-9 because I tend to fight back and not admit there is something wrong going on 😬.

75. when did you lose your first tooth? 2nd grade I believe.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? for some reason my love of tater tots has come back.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? uh cacti?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? coffee from a gas station cus im not trying to die-

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? oh man, I look like shit in both of them. School id.

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth tones!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? ive never seen either 😔.

82. pc or console? i’ve own consoles for most of my life.

83. writing or drawing? writing. I cant draw very well.

84. podcasts or talk radio? podcasts! I listen to ‘last podcast on the left’.

84. barbie or polly pocket? barbies! did anyone make their barbies have sex or was it just me-?

85. fairy tales or mythology? mythology. yall don't know this but I have fallen into the greek mythology rabbit hole-

86. cookies or cupcakes? I fuck heavy with cupcakes TILL THIS DAY.

87. your greatest fear? to see those I love die.

88. your greatest wish? to be happy.

89. who would you put before everyone else? myself.

90. luckiest mistake? guessing on a question and getting it right 😎.

91. boxes or bags? i’ll go with boxes. it makes everything easier to stack and organize.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? fairy lights are so pretty.

93. nicknames? clown by @caws5749, bottom by @domromanoff, and variations of my real name.

94. favorite season? fall/winter TIMEEEEE.

95. favorite app on your phone? mario kart. if anyone wants to be friends give me your friend code-

96. desktop background? it’s black with a colorful smoke cloud exploding.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? mine and my oldest sister’s because she has had that same number since I was in the WOMB.

98. favorite historical era? I would say the WWII era since ive studied more about it than any other era.

UPDATE; this would've been done last night but my screen decided to just crash and not save anything I had done and my girl sent my ass to bed so I couldn't finish it but here ya go boink!

[stemcellee]

May 20 2018

ok real talk hour (also my physics midterm is in 12 hours and its 1am and i need to wake up early but instead im doing this

recently ive been feeling weird. my second year of college is coming to an end (ALREDY) which means im half way done with my undergraduate degree (amazing!!) but i can’t help but look back and feel a little regret here and there for things i wish i could go back and change

the other day i saw the guy who sexually assaulted me again on bruinwalk (i hate saying sexually assaulted. the words sound disgusting but i can’t think of a better way to put it). It reminded me of when i first started college and was so naive, oml. i thought that it was just gonna be hard and i basically gave up on myself. I regret that so much because ive changed, like if i could go back and not be friends with that guy (who literally gave everyone sketch vibes except i was just so blind.) i would go back and re-do it. i wouldn’t let my grades suffer. i don’t blame him or what happened for how i feel about my experiences so far, because its just my fault for losing myself back then. 

but that brings me to another point: back then i had so much fun, like i remember really enjoying myself (until i got my final grades lol). lately i haven’t really done the same. i’ve been feeling like i neglect everything to focus on studying, like i haven’t talked to my best friend who goes to another university that much and i haven’t called home and i barely talk to my sister. i don’t go out and see the world much either. in a way i like it this way because i like my new gpa, but i also feel like im missing out because i see others going out and stuff, and some of them still do very well in school. i just don’t feel like im the same way, i feel like it takes me a LOT of work to get good grades; things have never really come super easy to me

finally there are two biochem majors that im studying a lot with (because you kno you gotta make friends with people in your major so you can take classes togethr) and we were talking about GPAs and theirs are in the cum laude range. I’m trying SO hard to get my GPA into the cum laude range; id literally be over the moon if i could graduate with latin honors :/ and i know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others because each person is an individual, but i couldn’t help but feel sad about what could have been. I could have possibly had GPAs like theirs if i hadn’t have been stupid back then. but idk. im still proud that i’ve come this far. 

feels bad stress can get to you i just need a break

[justsomekpopstuff]

To celebrate the new year (and 400 followers omg) I decided that I am going to do a little post celebrating the wonderful mutuals and friends that I have made this past year! I love you all, you are wonderful, and I wish you all the best in this coming!

@kpopchangedme We haven’t been able to talk but I really appreciate your blog. You went through a lot this year and I am so proud of how far you have come!

@kwoncity HOLY CRAP I LOVE YOUR BLOG. I saw that you followed me not to long ago and I literally squealed I was so happy. You are so amazing and funny and I love everything that you do!

@lovelycheollie Hannah I love you to death! You are so so sweet and you always make me laugh. Thank you for being so open and welcoming, I truly appreciate it.

@suppprt-day6 omg you are always in my notifs and I always get so happy to see you liking my stuff. Thank you for always making my day!

@sugacrackers Mich ilyyyyy you are so sweet and i can’t believe it has taken us this long to start talking to each other but you are amazing and I am so glad that I met you

@kpopsinarios omg Zee you are so amazing. Thank you for allowing me to bond with you over our mutual goofs and fangirling over our biases. I am so happy that I found someone that can share in my sin. You are amazing!

@dumbbelle You are literally the first person to include me in a follow forever and I am so incredibly flattered. We haven’t really been able to talk much but thank you for the appreciation! Hope to talk soon.

@kpopreactionstoruinyourlife we bonded over baseball, which has literally nothing to do with what we blog about, but I really am very happy that I found someone that shares the same appreciation. 

@forever-young-got7 how have we not talked more? Like???? What is this??? your blog is amazing and you always reblog some amazing things and i love it

@jejublr YOUR. WRITING. IS. MY. LIFE. OMG. You are so amazing at what you do! Also, you are legit one of the kindest people I have met on this site. Thank you for all the love and support that you have given me the past few months. I was going through some really tough stuff and your messages always made me feel a bit better about the world. Thank you. Truly.

@10hour11minute / @justkpopjokes LIN!!! My net neutrality partner in crime! You are truly a one of a kind meme and ilysm. I truly enjoy talking to you and bonding over our mutual love and hype for our svt bois. I wish you the best of luck in this new year and thank you for all the wonderful things that you have done.

@m0onbean you are so sweet and true to yourself and I genuinely admire that. Also, you are the one who made my icon for this blog and whenever I see it I just smile bc its the cutest thing ever! I don’t think there is a more perfect icon for my blog and I thank you for your creativity and honesty.

@blondshua I also haven’t been able to talk to you much but tbh your reblogs and your tags are always hilarious. I love seeing whatever you post because I know it will always be the best quality post

@honeywonu Lani you have been through so much and struggled through a lot and I truly admire your strength. I love being able to talk to you and I wish you every happiness. Thank you for the top notch memes as well. Keep strong. We’ll get through this next year together. (Also HERE is your daily Wonwoo, as promised)

@princeshushu Clar omg where do I even begin. You are literally the sweetest and the most genuine. Thank you for always hyping me up when I need it most and for encouraging my ideas. Thank you for the support through everything that has happened. Im so happy I met you and I wish you all the best this coming year.

@pocketful-of-woozi omg all your reblogs are absolute perfection. We haven’t talked much but you are always so entertaining and your tags always make me laugh. Also, very high quality memes, I respect that.

@motherofseven / @mounteenbase you’re writing is top notch and always so fun to read. You are very talented in that! I love your appreciation for so many groups and how you always make sure to show love to everyone you stan. Your blog is amazing!

@dong-hyucks omg i love y’all you’re the best! I love to read everything you put out. It is always so detailed and wonderfully put together. Also y’all are so fun and I must protect you from the world its scary and dangerous. You are too pure for this world.

@sambashua first of all your url is amazing and totally perfect. Second of all, I love everything that you post its always so amazing. Thank you for always being supportive! 

@diaryofadorkykid / @sunnysidewrites omg Sunny! My first every mutual on this blog! I don’t even have words for how much I appreciate you. You have always been so supportive, and you were one of the ones who encouraged me to start writing. Thank you for always helping me out when I need it and for giving me someone to bounce ideas off of when I’m stuck. You are also incredibly talented in your writing. I hope this year brings you inspiration and creativity as well as more faith that you are truly a talented writer. I will always be there to hype you up when you need me to!

@au-writer omg you always manage to make me smile. Your aus are literally some of the best I have every read! Also, I love when you share your crazy dreams with me because they always make me smile. I applaud your creativity and thank you for always being open!

@jkbubs / @gukhao you are a recent mutual of mine, but I am happy nonetheless! Your texts are so cute and creative and are all incredibly fun to read. I can’t wait to see your blog grow even more in the coming year!

@17rxn omg we haven’t talked in, like, forever! I am so happy to have another psych major on here. I appreciate how diverse your blog is and that you take the time to talk about more serious things like net neutrality and mental health. Hoping to talk to you more this year!

Thank you everyone for your love and support. This year, I promise to be even better. Love y’all!

[jxxhyuk-blog]

( JEON WONWOO | CISMALE | HE/HIM ) you’ve heard of matthew kim, right ?? wait, really ? they’re the friendly writer who’s way too obsessed with music, geek culture, & web toons. somehow, they managed to major in english in college. i think they’re twenty-one. they’re the kind of boy next door that enjoys doodling all over his notebooks or any papers around him, staying home to read a good book or watch a tv show instead of going out, & writing song lyrics. some people told me they’re supposedly pretty imaginative, supportive, & considerate. but i think they’re just blinded by a pretty face. they’re clearly laid-back, forgetful, & compulsive. their favorite thing about buzzfeed is the quizzes.

‘SUP KIDS! this is your friendly neighborhood spider-man hels, the mid-20s old ass woman girl who typed an app in record time and almost hurt herself (the problems of being old, istg). you know what else is a record? me, having a 21 year old muse. IT’S BEEN MONTHS, ISTG, I’M THE GRANDMA FRIEND™ (please refer to this post) I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH YOU YOUNGSTERS. but here i am, SO LOVE MY BABY GEEK LAZY BOY. he’s very Relatable as you all might notice in this post and in future interactions djaskld. ALSO!! i didn’t forget the people in my ims, ok, i will get there in a bit. but if we ain’t talking yet and you’d like to plot with matthew, like this post and i will message you! enough about ooc bs, let’s go to the interesting (and actual helpful to plot) part, shall we!?

everyone knows him by matthew, but that’s his “adopted” english name. his real name is kim joohyuk. he’s too used to matthew (or matt), though!! his mother (and me) is the only one who still calls him joohyuk or hyukie.  

talking about his mother: she is his only family. she got pregnant during high school, the child was obviously her boyfriend’s, but he couldn’t accept the situation (it would ruin his future, the college applications he had already sent, would make his parents drop him, for sure). on another hand, she never thought on not having the child, as she grew up in a christian, catholic family. telling her parents was a pain, though―they said how disappointed they were and how they would not help her, that she would have to take full responsibility for her doings. and so she did: through struggles of moving far away from her family and past for her own sake, she gave birth to matthew in new jersey.  

the age difference between he and his mom is 17, almost 18. that being said, it comes with no surprise that she is his best friend. she raised him, making sure he would never think she didn’t support him, and basically put all her future on him. he knows her story and she is the person he admires the most and never stops trying to make her even more proud of him.  

truth be told, he had a pretty normal childhood. he was a happy, intelligent kid, very accepting of others, had a lot of friends and played with them a lot. he also played soccer growing up and, tbh, he’s pretty good? though he became kind lazy the older he got...  

although bullied in middle and high school, he managed to keep himself together. of course, though, that made him grow a bit more introverted and insecure, more into trying to enjoy his own person and not putting much expectation on other people (or even himself).  

he was always a year ahead, thus, he got into college earlier and recently graduated in nyu. he was an intern in buzzfeed new york, but after graduation, he got transfered to atlanta as a writer (he couldn’t be happier, tbh).  

although his mother doesn’t live with him, she did move to atlanta too. talk about the best mom and hype woman in the world.  

i wouldn’t say he is new around here, because, you know, he’s been in atlanta for months now so...  

EXTRA STUFF...  

“has he ever been to sdcc?” you can bet he saved money just to go literally to the other side of the country (as he lived in new york) just to go to sdcc (he went at least three years in a roll during college). “but there’s a comic con in new york!” he doesn’t care, he wanted SAN DIEGO’s.  

“what kind of tv shows he likes?” sci-fi, anything that doesn’t make any sense, comedy shows, anything that makes him think too hard.  

though his taste for books follow this same thing, he doesn’t deny “classics”... he’s a bookworm... he reads anything, truly.  

“marvel or dc?” he prefers to die than to choose (but he is trash for xmen, so... you see the problem...)  

as for music... he listens pretty much anything? it really depends on his mood.  

which brings me to: he will sing disney movies songs, he might even sing high school musical (rip son), and he will quote animation movies and expect you to get it (and if you don’t, he will shake his head with a tsk)  

ngl, he’s kind of a hopeless romantic. you know those people who believe in fate and “things happen for a reason”? so... matthew.  

he’s always writing something... either for work or for himself. from song lyrics to actual stories, either messy organized on his desk or on his laptop’s folders.  

ALSO! his specs are for real... he has eyestrain and little astigmatism. but no, he doesn’t use them all the time, but at work? while writing? definitely!   

so, that all being said, let’s talk about PLOTS: anything is very wanted, so bring it on, fAM!! a best friend, close friends, ex fling (i am saying fling bc??? “has matthew ever dated for real?” idk man???), other writers!!!!!, people who try to drag him out and he gets all “my tv shows won’t be watched by themselves”, people to complain about his mess at work, people to press him to do his stuff on time, people from the tasty team that has to kick him out before he gets the food, neighbors!!!!!....... seriously, anything, just come @ me and let’s brainstorm

[smengus]

favorite kpop songs of 2017 from a fan who got into kpop the beginning of this year

aye!! 2018 is almost here, and i have been DYING to make a favorite songs/mvs in kpop of this year thing. it has been a fucking ride let me tell you.... first things first, just to celebrate this year and give myself some leeway, there will be 17 songs!! and they are in no particular order!! i am not a favorites person, i have too much love in my pitiful heart.... anyway, lets start!!

17. movie - btob (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42A-rFdralM)     there are many things i love about this song. i got into kpop quite literally the very beginning of this year, and thats wild, but this song was one of the first of many i had heard, and didnt know much about then but love now. i specifically remember going through that one hot 100 kpop song playlist on youtube and finding this one, and instantly love it. its one of the classics of this years, and def opened my mind to a lot more. 

love’s like a movie~

16. really really - winner (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tBnF46ybZk)    ohhhhh my god i could go on and on about this song. out of all the wonderful kpop songs weve been blessed with this year, this is the one that’s consistently stuck, and everyone knows it. its just that song. the music video is gorgeous and diverse but so simplistic with the black and white. dare i say its iconic; all of it.

널 좋아해~

15. rookie/red flavor/peek-a-boo - red velvet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0h8-OTC38I) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyiIGEHQP8o) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uJf2IT2Zh8)    ok, so yall are gonna hate me for literally putting all of their 2017 title tracks but oh my god... every single comeback they had this year was amazing, and id feel like id be playing someone if i just chose one or the other. like most sm groups, its not hard to absolutely love all of their songs. but in terms of aesthetic, sound, and all around look, red velvet killed it this year. so there. hope yall are satisfied with this.

peek a booooo~

14. fine - taeyeon (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHXUM-6a3dU)    to keep this b/b/g/g pattern going, im choosing this one next and dear lord. this is another song id heard in the very beginning, and i was... frankly i was shocked. like, btob was surprising, but it was what i expected it be: boy group, fun, catchy, etc., but with taeyeon... god, her voice and the whole video... i was tearing up, not gonna lie. the lyrics especially got to me. its been in most of my playlists consistently this year, and i cant say the rest of the album isnt a must listen, just a recommendation from me personally.

its not fine~

13. dramarama - monsta x (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1afdZk0qcI)

 ok, i had a hard time on this one. its common knowledge they went through 3 major comebacks this year, all of which were amazing, but originally, beautiful is what stuck with me. i love the heck out of that song. then dramarama dropped a little over a month ago and... lets just say thats what convinced me to finally start stanning them for real. i have a thing for story driven music videos (bonus points if the story is actually mad good), so combine that with the absolutely amazing song and choreography, and you get their best comeback yet. honestly, it was so good, i urge yall to check it out if you havent.

dramama ramama ramama hey~

12. cherry bomb - nct 127 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkuHLzMMTZM)

 this song... THIS SONG... oh my god. i dont have an in depth discussion over the music video or the song or any of it but good lord... if youve heard it you know what im talking about. its another one of THOSE songs. its too bad it was generally slept on, but god... can i add i also love the choreography??? like a lot???? im the biggest hit on this stage~

11. palette - iu (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9IxdwEFk1c)

 yall KNOW i wasnt gonna put this one off any longer. this is also the song that got me to start stanning this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacularly awesome woman. she’s great. and this comeback?? ive easily listened to the whole album about 50+ times. i was going to put ending scene instead since i adore that one too, but this is the one that really stuck out to everyone. aesthetics?? on point. lyrics?? poetic. voice?? like an angel. lmao, i really love iu...

i like it, im 25~

10. as if its your last - blackpink (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Amq-qlqbjYA)

 ok the best part about this one was... since i was a new baby fan, at the time, the only group i really like, stanned, was bts. but i wasnt shut off from the rest of the music community tho, ofc. thats what im truly into kpop for: the music. so duh, i knew about blackpink and their bops (whistle was a personal favorite of mine). but for some reason, over time, they casually just became another group i was into? like, i knew the names, voices, roles, songs, etc.. so when i heard they were having a summer comeback, while i was free from school no less, i was ecstatic. i rewatched the teaser several times, stayed up and hyped with people online. and it finally dropped and instantly became my favorite song by them. its so goooood. my wife lisa, like, yas baby slay that rap while looking cute af. i love it very much, and im sure other blinks do too.

blackpink in your area~

9. dont wanna cry - seventeen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97cx53Tpp6g)

 yeahhh, im not gonna choose their most recent comeback for this one, sorry guys... its a good song, dont get me wrong but! this one is the one lmao. its so fucking beautiful. when i watched the mv for the first time, i was in awe cause the choreo was so good, and so different from what i had seen before, but it went with the song so well. its a very good listen.

울고 싶지 않아~

8. move - taemin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcEyUNeZqmY)

 yes. yes. yes. this song??? yes. oh my god. so, this next bit is gonna be a bit sad (to read and to write), but just because an explanation is needed for each of these... im a shawol. i was the second i watched 1 of 1. and god, it still hurts so much to think of what happened? but, this explanation is taemin. so, i was into shinee, period. i knew taemin was a solo artist. i dont know why i wasnt paying close attention to it, but one day move just like, dropped. out of nowhere. and i went ‘where tf...?’ and watched it and OH MY GOD. i cant convey on here well enough, but bitch, i rewatched that shit repeatedly. the song was constantly replayed, and it finally pushed me to take the step and go back and listen to all his other stuff (which i love). its just so... androgynous and he dont give a flying fuck how he looks, dances, or sounds, and i adore it. definitely another THAT song of this year, dear lord.

youve got got the rhythm~

7. 1+1=0 - suran (ft. dean) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YA6G74gk6R8)

 ok, i was torn over this one. i bet everyone and their mother knows her for her “collab” with my boy suga, if i get drunk today. and YES!! THAT IS AN AMAZING SONG AND IM STILL SO PROUD OF BOTH OF THEM. but bitch, this had dropped sometime whenever, idk when since i dont stan and her, and i saw it on youtube and thought  ‘shes the suga girl, i wonder if thisll be good’. i was so surprised when i listened to it. the music video?? snatched. the song?? snatched. wig?? bitch its gone. lets just say, first listen, i had already loved it way more than the song i originally knew her by. 

1 plus 1은 0~

6. ddd - exid (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axVvZrDz60k)

 i put this one off long enough too. and this is obviously a very split opinion. they also dropped night rather than day which i am also 100% over the moon for. but god, i love sexy exid. and that is exactly what this comeback was. sexy, powerful, and aesthetically catchy as hell. (btw, exid is another group i actually stan, so i had been anticipating this one; i watched it while i was at school dusbgukg). so sad solji couldnt physically make it this comeback, but she was in the album, and that was enough for us. still wishing her the best recovery!

덜덜덜덜~

5. dont recall - kard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41Dp7Q-SM1Y)

 oh kard. the group that had millions of fans before they even debuted... they gave us many tasty treats this year, all of which were total bops, but dont recall... bruh, its just stuck with me. i still know all the others, but when i think kard i immdiately think the of the legendary beat drop tied with the beautiful mv of dont recall. also another THAT song, no doubt. sorry i dont have much for this one, i dont know much about kard, but this song has personally been a go to of mine for the past many months. 

그만해 i dont recall~

4. ko ko bop - exo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdssuxDdqKk)

 lmao, you will not catch me in a 10 mile radius even THINKING about power. i drink to forget. its cute and all but... mmmm.... ANYWAY. im gonna be totally honest, i really love their 2016 year in terms of music more than i did this one (lotto, lucky one, monster, etc., etc., etc.,) BUT! out of the comebacks they had this year, i am 100% 10x more into ko ko bop. not gonna lie, i didnt dig it at first listen. but a little later, i tried it again and... hooo boy, what a good song. i dont know anything knowledge based about music or music production, but i know that ko ko bop is a good song. very good.

shimmy shimmy ko ko bop~

3. gashina - sunmi (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur0hCdne2-s)

 ok. OK! so... yall gonna hate me, but i intentionally put off listening to this for the longest time. why?? i have no clue, its a great song. but i did. so by the time mama 2017 (IK THAT LATE) came around and i found out my boy taemin would be doing a collab stage with sunmi i was like... ‘ok i need to know who this girl is...’ i FINALLY sat my butt down and watched it and BITCH. okokokok, scroll back up, skim that taemin one, and imagine all those feelings, except like, gay. like, instead of thinking it was inspiring, i was just thirsting and being absolutely in love because holy shit everything about the song and the video are perfect????? THE LYRICS THOUGH TOO??? absolute women power i was 100% there for jesus christ.  왜 예쁜 날 두고 가시나~ 2. snow - zion.t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiGSDywrX1Y)    this song made me cry :( straight up, when i first watched it, i cried so much. it got even worse the second go round when i knew the lyrics. its so.... beautiful. im a big fan of zion.t as well, so this was no disappoint for me. i luv it... and fun fact, its my favorite music video ever, kpop or not. im very into cinematography and photography so it was such a treat to watch it. youd have to watch it for yourself to know what i was talking about. 

눈이 올까요~

1. anything from bts this year (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBdVXkSdhwU << this is dna just cause i dont wanna post 3 songs lol)

 yall honest to god probably hate me. ‘we just read this whole list to get a biased, lazy ass answer?!?!’ but hear me out... lmao thats all i got. bts is my ult group, but ult group or not, every single thing they dropped this year was spectacular. truly honest to god, its probably been their best year yet. jk, idk about that, 2015 and 2016 were pretty good. BUT STILL. spring day, not today, dna (lots of ayes), ALL OF IT SO FUCKING GOOD. gosh, i love them...

 dna~

well, thats all of them! keep in mind, this is a personal opinion thing, and there many, many, MANY songs of this year i loved, but this is a list and its gotta end somewhere, so i chose the ones that really stood out to ME. this was probably a waste of time, and bet this gets no notes, but in my heart, it was worth it. i love writing and ranting out my thoughts. this was my first year in kpop, and while yes, there were a few devastating and heart breaking moments that im still not fine about, it was good. my friends are gonna hate me, but this is just one of many years to come of me being into this shit. hope next year delivers as good as this one did. happy new years kpop fans!

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

[epb-archive]

Okay, this is me trying not to care too much about Brighter by Wingit on Ao3 or @wing--it on tumblr (and failing miserably)

DISCLAIMER: Everything is my opinion and is in no way attempting to bash other fic writers because writing is hard and everyone that put their personal time into doing this and sharing fics with people over the internet deserves praise and to feel proud of what they’ve written. For this reason I won’t be naming any other fics aside from Brighter because that’s the focus and #Boost Ur Fandom Writers ya feel

DISCLAIMER 2.0: I realized I told @wing--it  that i’d have a meta done for their fic except I realized I’m not entirely sure what Meta is so I’m probably not good at it wow this is long im sorry okay let’s do this thing

Actually as I’m writing this, I realize it’s just going to turn into a giant ass review for Brighter and I don’t know how I feel about that but @wing--it hi, i love your fic, we’ve been over this right? Under the cut this goes. (contains mild spoilers for Brighter but I’m trying not to say everything outright)

Brighter is a Victuri fanfic that is by far one of the best I’ve read in terms of storyline, characterization, conflict, and angst revolving around that conflict.

Starting with storyline, Brighter is a godsend fic that gives that good ass almost immediately after the GPF life for Victuri. So the two of them figuring out their relationship and working out how to live together in a more intimate sense (that being on their own and not constantly surrounded by Yuuri’s family and the patrons of Yu-Topia). Now, there are some other good ass fics that also have the lives in St. Petersburg and that do this shit well (actually, I appreciate every fic out there, shout out to all fic writers yall are doing gods work) BUT something different that stands out about Brighter is how the storyline isn't just focused on Yuuri Katsuki.

Honestly, at the most current point (10 chapters in, updated last on the 8th of June) the two main characters are NOT Victor and Yuuri, but Yuuri and Yuri which is??? Possibly one of the few fics I’ve seen where these two are the main focus while still having the fic be Victuri centered. Like without getting too much into Yuri’s storyline for the sake of spoilers (though it’s kind of revealed in chapter 3 or 4 i think, pretty early on) This fic, by far, has some of the best characterization of Yuri P that I’ve ever seen.

Which is saying a lot because I will often stop reading a fic because of how they characterize Yura (especially if he’s a major recurring character in the fic). Yura does play a huge part in this fic in terms of his own character development and conflict (godddd I just really fucking love his story line) and Tash!!!!!! Gives a solid reason why Yura would be “”angsty”” 24/7 and h*ck!!! It’s just ugh!!! Everyone knows, if you’ve gone through your angry teenager phase, it’s so incredibly difficult to stay mad 24/7 unless something’s happened or something’s happening (mental illness notwithstanding) and like just godddd. Okay??? Okay. So Anyways, Yura opens up to Yuuri (eventually) and friendship happens and honestly out of this entire fic Yuuri and Yuri’s friendship is my favorite. Like yes, this includes Victor and Yuuri’s relationship or Victor and anyone else or any of the characters combines. I just think Tash did such an amazing job working with Yuri in the fic and I’m already emotional this is a mess I’m sorry.

Okay, So that’s Yuri’s character. On to Victor’s. I think Tash does a beautiful job having Victor adjust to life loving someone. Like here, we have a guy who’s spent his entire life trying to please and surprise so many people, like aside from splurge stuff, what has Victor done for himself? When going off that logic (and like the 50 in depth tumblr posts about this) Brighter is so beautiful in his characterization. Because it starts with Victor and Yuuri being soooo in love and everything’s perfect!!! For exactly .2 seconds

Because everyone knows that’s not how relationship work and people have to work together and have conflicts and allow room for being human together. (And dont get me wrong, I am just as likely to read a 50k coffee shop au with 0 conflict because I enjoy not hurting). Anyways, Victor’s characterization is essentially him trying to figure out how to be genuine (and failing on multiple occasions) and just him trying to teach himself that he doesn’t have to do what he thinks Yuuri would like to get him to stay because Yuuri loves him and they’re in this for the long run but still Victor  IS STRUGGLING to figure this out.  Tash just. God. Tash just does this so well.

And Victor. He’s also subject to his own anxieties but in a different way from Yuuri and??? Like the fact that he’s throwing himself back into his career after a year break and to go back to his way of surprising people and then coaching Yuuri and choreographing short programs for him, yuuri, and yuri too (i think he was doing 3 short programs anyways). The ice skating portion of this fic is so fucking important, which of course it is, in an anime about ice skating of course it’s fucking important but what I mostly mean is that it doesn’t necessarily take second to the romance in the fic with is easy to do. The Ice skating and the romance are like on par with each other with the only vaguely second plot line being Yuri’s story line which is :,,,) still

Anyways  I just fucking love this okay I’m so sorry this got off track I’m not even done yet but please, read Brighter.

Last on characterization is of course, the main character, Yuuri Katsuki. Alright, I just h*cking love Yuuri in this fic. Like?? He’s so understanding and doesn’t deserve half the shit he’s gone through because if!!! SOME PEOPLE just TALKED IT OUT1!!!!!! Maybe. But no. Tash’s way of writing Yuuri is one of the ones that I appreciate the most. His way of dealing with things (which is to overthink then not solve anything) or his way of sherlocking through other people’s problems (see: Yuri P see: Victor N) His insecurities are all #relatable and just, Idk how to talk about this because i really can only say how perf i think tash did with him and that’s nonsensical imo anyways yuuri in brighter is like best yuuri hi i would die for him to be happy

For Brighter, the conflict and the angst go hand in hand (though tash has been hinting at things getting more painful in the next update and i’m not ready but :,,,) ya kno) and so without spoiling anything I just want to say that the conflict/angst is different in a way that it’s something that doesn’t seem improbable and is just 100% believable like past the characterization in the fic, I could almost 100% see this happening in canon which is a weird feeling and idk if the movie turns out to have any of these problems I’m gonna pay Tash like $20 or something (so open ur paypal now cause I have a feeling). Specifically here I’m talking about the conflict between Victor and Yuuri (not necessarily Yura’s because that’s something I definitely don’t want to happen but god it makes for some really good ass story telling and background on a character).

For Victor and Yuuri, it’s a matter of being honest about one’s feelings and just you know, um, telling the truth and not saying what you think someone else wants to hear. Which doesn’t really sound hard or difficult at all but here we have Victor who’s done everything for other people up to recently in his career and has probably never been so deeply in love as he is with Yuuri right now so he’s confused and I’ll give him that. HOWEVER, sometimes, Victor just needs to have a little more faith in Yuuri’s feelings for him.

The same goes for Yuuri though, the conflict isn’t 100% Victor’s fault. Some of the blame is deff Yuuri’s and Yuuri’s anxiety (which is essentially a whole nother Yuuri except darker with idk maybe a goatee and constant bad ideas). But also you can’t blame a character for being anxious and stuff and really I’m not ragging on Victor for this but I also don’t think Yuuri’s entirely to blame here? Like I’m so bad at meta okay I’m sorry buT I think to a degree they both have insecurities and doubts that are straining the relationship. They really do try to work through things but on Yuuri’s side, he almost always links the problems back to himself and in term him not being able to satisfy Victor like sexually and emotionally I THINK. Like…….. Okay I can’t go into it because I’m not sure how to put what I’m thinking into words

Another point I cannot stress enough and can’t actually find a good place to put in even tho this was number 1 on the list of things I wanted to talk about in here is This conflict is seriously all good conflict. Brighter has character’s growing and developing and just. Nothing seems forced or out of place?? Like it wasn’t just put there in order for there to be something wrong. Actually I think i did mention this but I cannot stress enough how much the conflict in brighter just fucking makes sense!!!!! I’m actually repeating myself I know but seriously my favorite part…. Second favorite part after Yuri’s characterization is how good the conflict and problems Yuuri and Victor have are. Like they’re honest to god relationship things and fuck!!!!!!!!! It’s so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But essentially, Yuuri and Victor need to have a good oldfashioned talk but that’s not going to happen because Tash is about to rip out our hearts and I’m ready for once.

Alright, that’s been my not meta. I’m sorry @wing--it if you’re on mobile and cant read under the cut, it exists and also I’m sorry that this got so long……. But you know i told you!!!! It was gonna be long I just really fucking love brighter and i cannot express that enough. I tried to be coherent here in talking about all the things I enjoyed and I definitely missed something like the JJ conflict but this is almost 2k in length and I’m really embarrassed bcos of how passionate I am about this.

tl;dr: just read Brighter for fucks sakes, that’s all I want. More people to read brighter and scream about the character(ization)s and just heck!!!!!

[satansoulsitri]

Alright now that I have time to actually sit down and write this, lets settle in for a long post. Major spoilers for the show btw. So as most of the world has, I recently completed 13 Reasons Why. I want to touch on how important this show was to me personally, and how important it is for the world moving forward. This is not something I have talked about before in the past, but there have been times I have personally felt exactly how Hannah felt. While I may not have been branded a school slut like she was, I was branded many a things in middle/high school. I had the exact same mentality that Hannah had. That feeling nothing is better than feeling anything at all. That I wasn't worthy of love, and I just ruin anyone around me. I was very very lucky to have a good support system in my amazing mom, and the friends I had at the time to get me through it, but every day is a battle. In most recent months, as some of you know I lost my best friend of ten years. This was one of the people I leaned on for that kind of support, and losing the friendship made me feel everything all over again. That I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worth fighting for. I wasn't important enough for anyone to care about. My own father never did any of these things, never felt any love for me, so why would anyone else? That ending all my worries, all my money struggles, all of it, would just be easier. And I hate that I let her have that power over me, but she did/does. In the past few months i've lost weight, which if anyone knows me knows that that is not an okay thing for me to do. I sat in the bathtub for 4 hours crying uncontrollably as I wondered if anyone truly cared about me, and if anyone would really care if I wasn't around. I again am so lucky I have the mom I do, because she saved me that night. This was 3 weeks ago. As much as we want to believe it, this kind of stuff happens to kids every day. People are mean, and try to tear others down constantly so that they can feel better about themselves. People are willing to tear other people down in order to protect their reputation. This was not something I ever understood in school. Yeah I can admit I wasn't always the kindest person sometimes, but i absolutely have the mentality of hurting others before they can hurt me. I would rather them be angry at me than have me be angry at them, I am definitely the person to take the blame and have it all be on me than have others feel ill will. That is my defense mechanism. I relate to Hannah because both of us aren't capable of comprehending why all these injustices happen. We were taught that doing the right thing (such as on Sheri's tape) is always what should come first. We hold out for hope in people and that they will do the right thing as well, but alas, they don't necessarily always do. While I may not have ever been raped, I do know people who have been, and I do know the fear. I was threatened of being sexually assaulted in the boys locker room more times than I can count because they all thought I was "the fag who wanted it anyway". While people who know me do know my sexuality, the fear in the boys locker room is something I can relate to. This fear I do know is nothing compared to what women face on a day to day basis. The rape that happened to Jessica and Hannah happen more often than people can count. As much as schools, officials, police, etc. all say that they have resources for all these kind of attacks (sexual, verbal, suicide awareness, and such), these resources sometimes never do shit for people. They can have signs right under their nose and never know about it (ie Alex). Counselor's, Police, or anyway that people choose to open up to pin the blame on the individual rather than confronting the individual that did it. I personally was told that I needed the bullying so that I could learn how to man up by my principle and counselor. The moment Hannah went for her last chance at life, and went to her counselor, was just a scene I knew all to much about. People can't say they are here for you and then blame you for everything that happened to you. Moving on from me, I want to talk about how important this show is for the world today. There is absolutely no show on television, or no movie, that tackles this issue like 13 reasons why did. And the fact that they showed Hannah committing suicide in the final episode was one of the scariest, most real, most intense thing I have EVER witnessed in any form of media. I couldn't even look at my screen because I was crying so hard. They took the opportunity they had with their platform, and took the chance to show people that this is what happens. This is very real life, and it happens more times than should be acceptable. But people only care once it happens. And that's not just television. That's real life. The year after I graduated, my high school was hit with a tragedy and a suicide happened. I remember looking back on the man that took it upon himself to take his own life and being nothing but confused. From my observations, he was a popular kid, was smart, kind, and had a bright future ahead of him. I never in a million years thought he of all people would have been feeling like that on the inside. I can't go to far into this story because I didn't know him personally, and still don't know the story. All I can talk about was my confusion. But what I can talk about is that from my recollection, before that tragedy happened, my school was not very proactive in suicide awareness, or having options for people to have should they be feeling this way, and only took measures once it happened, just like when Hannah took her life. This may not have been everyone's experience at my high school, but I can only talk about mine. I truly hope that this show gives new insight to people's life. That it shows them what their actions do to other people. That kids realize that they need to support each other and not constantly tear each other down. We are all fighting every day to get through this messed up world, and we shouldn't make it harder on each other. I hope that this show continues its success, and opens up more peoples eyes and teaches more lessons that the creators never thought imaginable. To sum up, these kind of topics should not be shied away from. I am so proud of this show for tackling the topic head on, and allowing many people, myself included, to open up about the topic. I wish I had opportunities to be in a series like this. Shout out to Selena Gomez for producing this show and keeping it so close to her heart for 6 years, and with her using her platform for justice. There will never be a day that goes by where I don't tell people to watch this show. It was healing for me, and it can be healing for others. A secondary shout out to my aunt Andrea, who was Jessica's mom on the show, and made me feel an even bigger connection to this show than I already felt. Being my fathers sister it is a bit ironic, and I hope she knows that even if her part (this season) was so minimal, it made me feel more relatable. May sound stupid to some, but its important to me. Shout out to the friends I have, who continue to teach me every day, and take care of me, even if they aren't aware that they do it. Finally, and most importantly, shout out to my mom. You have been my rock for 22 years of life, and have been my only drive and reason to keep going. I hope that if you havn't started this show, maybe this post can give you incentive too. It can teach you about what you can do moving forward, and give you the opportunity to teach others. Im not good at putting all my feelings in to words, but heres hoping I did okay. Love and light @13reasonswhy

[lullabysongs]

3/19/17 I've been slowly trying to take better care of myself, especially my very fragile mental health that ive struggled with extremely in the last several years. Last year was really bad. It was the worst i had ever been. I was in a constant state of being manic, depressed, or (for what seemed like majority of the year) in a horrible mixed state of both. I stopped caring about myself, and i stopped caring about the people around me. I strained some very important relationships with people i hold dear. It was so bad last year, I tried to kill myself, twice. I was hospitalized, twice. Even when i knew i needed help and i knew needed change, i just felt so worthless and beaten i wouldnt even bother trying. I am extremely blessed with such a strong support group. I lost my car, i lost my job, i was partying too hard every weekend and blowing my money on drugs and alcohol. And the people that love me never gave up or faltered. I was never, ever, put down by any them for anything. Instead, i was taken cared of. I was given rides to and from appointments so i wouldnt be discouraged to go. I was given a safe place to sleep at night when i didnt feel safe by myself. I was given company so i wouldnt feel alone, and an ear to call when things got out of control. On more than just a few occasions, i was given their last penny so i could get any essentials that i needed. I was constantly reminded to do simple tasks to take care of myself, like shower and eat and sleep, because i would forget. I was given soft encouragement to do better, at a pace that i could handle, that never came with a demand to BE better. I was constantly reminded that i was loved no matter what. Somewhere along the course of (very late) last year, i was miraculously given my courage back. I found the courage to try again. I suddenly felt hopeful. I felt the need to give back to everyone who has been so patient and has given so much to me. And the only way i can do that, is to get better and be the best that i can be. I found the courage to be better, for myself, because i owe it to myself to try. Right before 2017, i made a promise to myself that i would try. I told myself to stop focusing on being "cured" and being "happy". I did not need to be better. I just had to do better. I promised myself i would take very small steps that would make me feel proud and accomplished. I told myself not to focus on the things going wrong, because there will ALWAYS be things in life to be dissatisfied about. I promised myself that, even if it didnt seem like it right away or when i still felt defeated, i would attempt to look at every single step as a victory. I am very proud to say that, so far, i have held to these promises and i am doing very well. I havent missed a single doctors appointment, (even though they seem repetative because i have them multiple times a week, and a lot of times they get in the way of work.) I have been extremely dillagent about taking my meds (every single one, every single day), even when it makes me feel really sick and not like myself. I have been on top of making sure my meds are always refilled, instead of letting them run out and waiting until my next appointment to get them refilled. I motivate myself to be my best at work and to do all that i can, every day; even if i dislike my job for various reasons, or when i dont feel my best, my customers still deserve the best. I am slowly beginning to look for a better job that will make me feel more fulfilled, and convincing myself not to stay at a job i dont like just because its 'easy' and secure. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my family, trying to find a balance between helping them with everything that i can, and allowing myself to realize i can not do everything; i can not control what happens in their lives, and i should not feel guilty for not being able to fix everything for them. I remember to remind myself that just because something unfortunate happens that i cant fix, that does not make me a bad daughter/sister/friend/person, and not being able to fix their troubles does not mean i am worthless. More recently (in the last month), i began to reorganize my finances and began taking charge of my bills. Starting at the beginning of next month, i will have all of my bills caught up, and i have organized my direct deposits in a way so that i will (hopefully) not have to stress over whether or not they'll get paid on time for the months going forward. About two and a half weeks ago, i told myself to be a little more aware of where my money was going, and i saw that a lot of my money was going toward fast food and snacks after work, daily energy drinks, and cigs. Since then i bought a french press and a vape. I wake up an hour earlier than i used to, and i make coffee for my bf and i. I eat a good breakfast in the morning so im not so hungry during and after work, and ive stuck to eating most of my meals at home. I started bringing a water bottle to work now so im not so tempted to spend money on other drinks through out the day. I have just completed my first whole week without a single cigarette (saving up to $30 this week on that expense alone)! I am so extremely proud of myself for every one of these accomplishments. I am proud of myself for setting small goals and sticking to them. As for my next small step: I just started to write shopping lists for myself; things i need immediately (to buy during the week), things i will need soon (within the next couple of weeks), and another list of things that i want, that would make me feel better or make my life easier, but can wait until after all the more immediate stuff is taken cared of. I am a BIG spontaneous spender, especially when emotional, and i want to work on that because constantly running out of money for the important things sucks. I also began writing out all of my long term goals, and am working on creating small steps toward each thing, so i dont lose focus. Over the last few weekends, i have been making sure i complete a set of chores every sunday (mostly just laundry and tidying to the room up) so that i start off the following week feeling productive and renewed. Today is the 3rd consecutive sunday, and i hope to continue this until it becomes a set habit. I have a small goal of stretching for 5 minutes everyday, in hopes that it makes me feel less sluggish and stiff. My original goal was to incorperate this into my morning routine, but i would often miss it, and i would feel guilty for it. So i changed the goal for now, and i am encouraging myself to do this everyday, whenever i have to time. We are only slightly past the halfway point of march. I know this doesnt seem like a long time for most people, but for me, it seems like a miracle. This is the longest and most stable ive felt in years. This is the longest ive felt hopeful, motivated, and confident in myself. A year ago, i thought id be dead by now. And for the first time since the 7th grade, i dont find myself wishing for it. I dont find that ideation in the back of my brain. And I finally feel that im going to be okay.

[celestialallstars]

Episode 11: “The odds are against me but I’m gonna make it....” - Loris

FUCK YOU MATT. FUCK YOU JACK. FUCK YOU STEPHEN. FUCK THIS CAST. YALL LYING ASS HOES SUCK MY FUCKING NIPPLES

Right now, I've got a mixture of feelings. On one end, I guess the tribal showed were some people's loyalties lie, but on the other I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit much. Like everybody in this game has literally lied and like I don't know, I understood Jack and Matt's frustration but it was a big yikes to see it get so tense and everyone get worked up. Like had my laptop not shut off, I would have likely snapped tonight and I think I'm seeing the good and the bad of things right now and it's just...a mess. Not to mention the 8 man alliance couldn't get it together until the 11th hour.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Matt is finally gone, and this time we pulled it all off to keep him until Jared fucking pulled out an idol. How did he even know it was gonna be Chloe anyways? Man. I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have played it had Matt and I shut our mouths but I think he would've anyways. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't let him lie again in public about that I had to expose him. Now he's got no idol, he's got few allies (I think), he's totally vulnerable and I pray to god we get him in the next 2 rounds.

It just occurred to me that I had a part in the chaos tonight. Stephen was already worried about the vote, but if I don't talk to Jack/Mitch then none of the last minute plan to vote Chloe happens I feel or gains as much momentum, then half the craziness that happened tonight at tribal does not happen at all....I saved Steph but at the cost of seemingly having Jared cost his game.

________________________________________________________________

I'm really drained at the moment between the school stuff and this game and now Jared claims my name was around for this round, or at least it was Bryce's plan. It did not phase me because I already wanted to go against Bryce/Zach but now it at least gives me another reason. AS of all of the craziness, my gut told me to try and stick it out with Michael/Chloe. I believe that between Rhys/Bryce/Zach's sketchiness, Jack just being himself, and Loris, I'd rather just try things out with the others. At this point, I'm kind of over a lot of the BS that people keep trying to sell. Having that said, I firmly believe that things need to get outted tomorrow unless we attempt a full on blindside.

I keep checking my messages as though someone wants to talk to me. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Sooooo YESTERDAY WAS A DAY!

It started off so simple, Matt seemed to be the target for the majority alliance and Michael/Chloe didn't seem very interested in keeping him around. So I came up with a scheme that I think may have tied into someone else's scheme. But I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAYYYYY...

Matt's going home, but I don't want to vote him. Why? Because I wanna strengthen my relationship with Jack, so I approach both of them to talk about things and figure out who they're voting for. Matt was very antagonistic and I figured out this is because he heard I was saying his name, which was true! I get them to say a name they'd rather have taken out, and it's Chloe. Sure. Me and Chloe barely talk tbh. So I essentially go around getting pissy about wanting to vote Chloe instead of Matt to my alliance because I need to sell it anddddddd........

They... Want to vote her out? SKDJSKDKSKSKSKSKAKSK

Ummmm this wasn't the plan! Everyone except Loris and Jared want to do it. Okay. Whatever. I'm too deep in now to flip back, sorry Chloe!

THEN JARED PLAYS THE IDOL SKSKDKDMSKSKSKSKSSM

Ok but why didn't you use that idol to save Mitch hm?

Sketchy bitch.

Soooo I hear afterwards that Zach and Bryce had a chat with Jack and Matt and apparently they might have wanted to vote Chloe anyway????? But then why let the vote be Matt for the entire day? When we all would've voted Chloe if they just said her name originally? And now Jared also has a chat with Chloe and Michael? Worst allies ever.

Idk Zach and Bryce are sketchy and I've known that since the Mitch vote. Maybe they should watch their backs in the near future ......

First off I was SO happy for Loris! It would have been nice to immunity, but I know with all of the distracting things I had for the day that I did good with the few hours I had. This makes me wonder if it will continue a trend I see in a lot of orgs where I begin to place in the top 4 a lot in the late game. Only time shall tell. Going into this tribal, I for once feel great. Making a new alliance with Loris/Michael/Chloe/Jared all the while keeping Stephen in the loop. I'll still smile and wave in the 13th, three kings, literally any other chat but as far as I'm concerned, I'm ridding my hands of that. Hope its not too early to feel good (it is)

________________________________________________________________

So I did some thinking and for a bit I had a feeling me or Bryce would get 10th. This was just because Karth came in 20th and Kori in 15th, which had to mean one of us would come in 10th and the other in 5th. Time to see how accurate this prophecy is

Day 25......... gross. So disregarding the challenge because yikes the whole game seems to be flipped on and the best part is that I don’t put myself forward as a target and Jared and Chloe are seen as this tight duo so I expect them to be targeted over myself. However chris and loris both expressed disappointment in how the game has been progressing and Bryce and zach both came to me to strategise so hopefully I’m in some sort of power position in the game however chris has pulled this before where he’s so sad he didn’t get his way and so disappointed and nothing has changed so right now my focus is on how to get myself forward in the game with hopefully more to come and Bryce will hopefully be eliminated this round.

Soooooo I had to abstain from the challenge for work but that's okay. I don't think I'm the target anyway.

The biggest news is that Jared has added onto his old group of Chloe and Michael to create a new majority. One that is planning to overthrow the old one in the near future. Based on what Chris has told me, the additions are himself and Loris.

The issue is, based on what Jared has told me, that Loris wants to wait one more round before locking things down. I see why he'd want to do this. Jack could easily slip through the cracks of the impending majority vs. majority war and that puts him within reach of an easy win at FTC in my opinion.

Jack might actually go home unanimously if things keep up like this. It'd be sad, because I just really started putting work into my relationship with him recently, but it really doesn't seem worth it when, even if I save him, I'll likely be targeting him within 2 or 3 rounds anyway. Cyrena? More like, sayonara.

Of course, if last vote is any indication, this can all change in a couple of minutes! So who the fuck knows. There's still 3 hours until tribal and if I can convince the 5 in power to pull their move now I wouldn't mind it at all.

hi!! ok so like... I won immunity??? and it was a creative challenge???? I’m so shocked and proud of myself I rlly tried to snap and things went wrong but I still SNAPPED!!! and now I made single digits oh my god!!! like... 9th or above I’m so happy with but of course I’m gonna win anyways. so. I suggested an alliance with me chloe Chris michael Jared to Chris and Jared and now it’s a real thing and like.. we just need to get people to vote jack for themselves and then we can run the game perry add. That could be a serve. I genuinely feel like I’m in a rather good spot this game I don’t think anyone should want to vote me out except stephen  maybe??  jack is hard to read because I’m not sure he talks To that many people ... idk... also oh my god so I just need to survive 3 more tribals and then I can play my legacy.... and like I’ll be so proud of myself if I get to do that. both seasons I find the legacy in round one(?) and I manage to hold onto it until the final six both times ?? like.. the odds are against me but Im gonna make it....

girl idk. i feel in danger because of lack of talk. everyone wants jack out. id prefer chloe. the only votes we can get are bryce, rhys, jack and myself. loris is dumb. HE WONT idk. jareds legit playin super well and good for him but ppl needa wake up and start knockin off his +1’s so hes easier to take out in the future. but who cares. these people are gonna end up lettin like jared or chris win .. and good. i suppose they deserve it.

im just super tired. partly due to this game but partly because of irl factors... so i just cant go chaotic. its so fun but soooo draining, and its hard when everyone leaks things and jared wants to be dumb and idol. it wasnt dumb. im petty. its real dumb.

im just trying to get ppl on my side but it seems so hard NNNN so . we’ll see

My names going round again 🤠

Ever since I played the idol on Chloe (which was indeed an in the moment decision), I feel a lot better about my spot in the game.

I revealed basically everything to Chris. There was very little that I left out. I told him about the F2 with Bryce, and my motivations behind every decision so far.

Sometimes overbearing trust comes out of overbearing promises. I still need someone to have my back no matter what, so being open with Chris was necessary. I still will try my best to keep Bryce in the game. I need them to war with each other because it will be a long term buffer for me. In terms of F3 plans, I'm not sure. I have options between Chris, Rhys, Chloe, Michael, Stephen, and Loris. I wouldn't mind staying true and taking Bryce as far as I can, but eventually his number will be up and I think that will be better for my chances to win anyways.

Today I finally pulled the trigger and Chris and I put together this 5some of him, Chloe, Michael, Loris, and myself called "starpower."

I will have to be cheeky with Chris to stay in a better spot than him, because he doesn't have strict promises with Bryce as far as I know.

Tonight Jack will go home which was Loris' call. I think it's fine because either way next round Stephen will want a big target out and he needs me to make it happen. I want that target to be on Zach, because I think Zach is the current frontrunner to win, and I think voting him will suit Stephen.

With that being said, it will take a smooth game from hear on out to not be a total goat. I'll try my best.

Feeling very strange about this vote. It's another sort of last minute vote, we've all kind of agreed to do a hard reset and vote Chloe again, but now that I've seen one idol play I can't help but feel like there's another coming, and this time it'd directed towards me potentially. I think I'm gonna propose possibly splitting votes just to cover our bases, because I do feel like Jared and Chloe are now gonna want to target me for no reason other than it's convenient.

If someone idols Jack tonight I’m gonna scream 🤡

So, I wanted Chloe gone this round, because I'm scared she will just float through this game and take a spot at the end. Which is exactly what is happening this vote. People want Jack instead so here we go. Haven't been too active so couldn't have gotten the numbers. Sad times.

Hi so the vote seems to be on  jack which is a little bit anti climatic because everyone was like let’s make a move and then boom jack goes like I thot we were going after bryce zach or rhys but I guess not? Anyway I hope im not being played by bitches right now and people stick to their words. Or at least vote jared/Chloe out

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The thing that makes me most nervous going into tribal is that it makes strategic sense for Stephen not to vote with us and instead vote out Jared who’s a far bigger threat than Jack but hopefully the fear of a tie will mean that he makes it 6 and I hope he realises that I’m ok with going against Jared sksksksksk.

THIS game is so sad liek nothing i want happens ppl are just not wanting to do what i want and thats so unlike my first season KJFHDASKJ i just want total control and someone to run the game with but jared is so annoying and is trying to work with the ppl who will vote him out bc hes such a big threat like girl pls just let me have my way and i wont cut u at 4th! im still fuming over the idol play like who does he think he is playing it without letting me know thats all i ask i literally feel pathetic trying to work with him when he clearly has chris/loris/chloe interests ahead of me

________________________________________________________________

Jack is voted out 8-1-1. He becomes the third member of our jury.

Watch Jack’s exit interview take place below:

[survivormuxloe]

Episode 13: "so things went from Guatemala to Guatepeor” - Ahrre

david REALLY GOT BRAVE TRYNA COME FOR ME WHEN HIS ASS AINT IMMUNE HUH. aint it so.. vote me and ur ass gonna go... ijs!! rip my perf game but at least i was the last person to recieve votes so thats kinda cute.. it doesnt change the fact that im winning tho ALMFNBG like. just 3/4 more tribals to survive bitch.. give those immunity wins to me pls x :)))

LOWKEY MY ASS WAS NERVOUSSSS LIKE I DONT WANNA READ MY NAME ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER AGAIN THO!!! altho my name is cute written out by anna highkey ngl.. maybe she'll write them in cursive for my winner reveal? x

my mind tho. rhys/tobi/ryan r all under my spell. missus mo and ahrre got brave and are gunna get a taste of hell when im not dying under exams lol x ALMFJHBFG

lvoe u gusys. xoxo ur winner scooty toots

Well fuck. David is gone. I’m in the minority. So now it’s just me and Ahrre. But I don’t want to settle for 6th or 5th place. I’ve made it this far I wanna make it to the end. So I’m going to try to wiggle my way through.

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/41700000/Avengers-Endgame-2019-avengers-infinity-war-1-and-2-41740034-540-225.gif

So the situation is looking pretty grim, Rhys stuck with the majority, David the absolute unit is dead and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the next one to go.

So right know things change as it's no longer about getting majority but rather get that group of 4 to cannibalize itself. Now the thing is that each of those 4 seem so confident in their position but only 3 make it to the end so that means at least one will end up being left out and that's just with a minimum level of snaking, but we know they are capable of way more shafty shit.

But their overconfidence in their position is not the only problem. It's also kinda hard when I've tried to blindside 3 of them. But hey at least you can't say I didn't try. Tobi is not willing to even tell me anything until tomorrow after we do the challenge. But he also says he's rooting for me as an underdog even if we're in oposite sides... Cheky fecker trying to get my jury vote...

As for the rest well I'll try to talk to them tomorrow, if I can commend Mo for something is that at least they might be more willing to work with him than me, which is clearly not a good thing for my game but eh wadda you do. I know for a fact by now everyone is gonna be saying that the plan is me going home probably 5-1 but if that's gonna end up being true or just a bluff for one of the 4 to get blindsided is still to see.

Either way I'm gonna try to stir some shit up and not be a voulnerable pleb waiting to be taken out or saved. Better dead than a goat.

These fattys are going down one by one... i love it... like highkey david going means that me and scott have to step up our physical games if we wanna take out ryan... someone else has to win immunity and then we can start pinning moves on ryan... I'm slowly repairing my relationship with ahrre by having a frank talk with him about our relationship in the game, which was both awkward but i think it helped??? im trynna work him pretty hard because he's a tough nut to crack but i think i can do it hehe... scott is working on mo but lets be real mo is easier to crack than ahrre, and honestly rhys' performance last tribal was good.. too good imo like.. i previously pinned him as an inactive goat but if he's able to connect with the other side that well and have them believe what he was saying, i have to give him props because that's some good plays in terms of benefiting our alliance for knowledge, bad jury management sure, but good for the alliance... at this point tbh,,, who the fuck cares about jury management... but then again it's important if you wanna win so maybe im just a dumbass

Well right now it’s final 6 and the question of a final 2 or 3 is up for debate because it could be either or.

After that tribal and David left, he tried to expose me when I had exposed myself already to the people he exposed me too. So sis there was no new tea.

Honestly now one of our 4 needs to go. The only one I would feel confident about going to the end with would be Ryan. Just as I feel he has done less. I’m super close with Scott, so I think right now I need to try and convince some people to vote out Ryan.

The only problem is I will probably need to convince Ryan and Scott or mo and ahrre. Mo and ahrre may not that me after lying to them two rounds in a row. And Scott seems to be strong for our alliance sticking to the end. So I’m going for this immunity as if I win it should all the confidence I need to make a move against my own.

I’m not feeling great. I don’t like a conversation I just had. It made me wanna quit. I’m not going to because I wanna do my best.

i really found an idol day 1 and made it to final 6 with it safe and sound.... ctfu how did this even happen, and Scott too we rly did that. the only thing about that is.... at least until we surpass final 5, there's always that worry that im gonna make a fool of myself with it and hnnnng. i feel like our 4 is solid af and yet, i'm still making myself paranoid that Tobi or even Rhys would perk up and randomly try to blindside me or Scott... but anyway yeah thats where my head at rn. i still don't talk to ahrre at all so he's a complete mystery and no idea if anyone else talks to him so that's great. Mo is an oddball still idk what to do w him kfsdfa

So I want to flip on my alliance this round. But 2 people outside my alliance are throwing me hardcore under the bus. Ok. So like how am I gonna make a move now.

pls god... lett this immunity challenge be in my favour alkfjnhfg i just want a win pls pls pls let me be guaranteed f4 lol

I just had a really good conversation with Tobi and it’s making me like really happy because this entire game I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. With people not thinking I don’t deserve to be here, that I’m a goat and people sending me condescending messages about my mistakes. It feels really nice to get praised for the good things. Don’t get me wrong I own up to my mistakes and I do my best to improve and change moving forwardss so I don’t make the same mistakes again. But usually the conversations that happen before that aren’t very happy, they’re needed and they end on a peaceful note but they don’t start out happy. But Tobi just praised me on my gameplay complimenting me and it’s such a good feeling. I think I might end up in fifth or sixth place but I’m still proud of myself and I’m going to keep fighting till the end.

so like... I'm really happy i won immunity but im kinda more annoyed with scott right now like... we had this big plan to take out ryan at 6 which is literally a perfect time now since 1) we can access numbers for it 2) he wont suspect it so the chance of an idol popping up is low 3) we can gain trust with ahrre and mo this way... but NOOOOOOOOO lets play with our emotions instead of our BRAINS and take out someone who has played a bad game and would be EASY to beat in the end like JESUS and i thought ahrre had his head up his ass... also scott is SO fucking confident know like he acts like he will 100% win against anybody in ftc and like sis... that's not the case... not if you're constantly confronting and arguing with mo and ahrre... use. ur. BRAIN.

Cemetery....

Anywho, this vote. Mo & Ahrre are voting me probably. So It seems to be a 4-2 vote. However an Idol may be played now more than ever, as I think this is the first time someone from the bottom hasnt had any hope of staying. (Dani, Felix & Jones were all blindsided , and Michael & David had some chance of staying). So one could easily be played. So ima try to push a 2-2-2 vote to save my ass.

so. (: I lost spelling bee. (: LAMDLFNFG

lowkey feel as if the words are suitable to the player tho. embarrass for ahrre as in that game is embarrassing. accommodate for Mo as in we have to accommodate for the fact that he’s a goat. Cemetary for rhys bc he makes us all wanna die @ tribals. handkerchief for me bc my ass gotta clean up ryan and tobi wanting to target each other.. and rhythm for tobi bc while hes in time rn that time is gonna run out soon :flushed:

i just dont want 6th ):

So I know it’s me and Ahrre on the chopping block. I just kinda wanted to make a quick plea. I really really wanna stay. I want to go as far as I can even if that’s just fifth. Not only to prove people wrong thinking I don’t deserve to be here, but also to prove to myself. Whatever decision you make tonight I respect wholeheartedly. But I’d love to go further.

I CACKLED @ THIS COPY PASTED PLEA.. MO BABY WYD

I’m currently making my plea to the others on why I deserve to stay. I’m proud of myself no matter the outcome but I’d love to go as far as I can.

So ahrre and mo are both kindve pleading for themselves. Mo just wants him to be saved where as ahrre is trying to flip people. He is trying to flip me again which is funny. Lowkey am a little worried just Incase it’s a ploy to get people to vote me or something. But he needs me and tobi to flip. So I think he won’t vote me which is great, incase a surprise idol is played.

soooo final 6 tribal. I definitely want Ahrre to leave finally, so how to make that happen. Scott informed me that mo/ahrre lowkey suspect i have an idol so wig. i would prefer if we went 4 strong on Ahrre bc I really don't think he has any powers, but the thing about that is i don't want to campaign for that to happen and make it look like i feel safe about idols... i don't want tobi or rhys to get suspicious and get the urge to flip on me/scott.. so kinda tricky. we'll see what happens

so recently scott and ryan have really been pounding on mo for his goatness and like... I took advantage of that hehe... I talked to mo and had a real heart to heart with him and like... I told him that he deserves more credit than he's getting and then more wholesome stuff and then BAM we got past the barrier we previously had and now we're totally cool!!... where ryan and scott burn bridges, im gonna build new ones!! so like that wasnt TOTALLY just for strategy like im not that big of an asshole... but its a mix of both. mo is a good kid and he gets too much backlash for his game.. and im gonna take advantage of that by showing up as his guardian angel hehe.. and who knows like this might pay off hugely when i need his vote at f5 to take out a bigger player but for now i'll stick to tending to his wounds that scott and ryan left.. and they really did come for him pretty hard... like REALLY hard so there is no harm in coming to him and helping him with his confidence and who knows, that might be a jury vote right there

Right so things went from Guatemala to guatepeor, I didn't win immunity I actually flopped at it in wonderful fashion it was quite beautiful really. But anyhow Tobi ended up winning it.

So I tried to talk to people and get them to do ANYTHING but to no avail really. Ryan and Scott seem set on stone. I did get Tobi to tell me that if it ties 3-3 he would flip on the revote but that's just playing it safe. Rhys told me he doesn't want to go to rocks so I'm like hey Tobi supposedly flips on the revote so maybe there's no need for that go talk to Tobi.

But they all seem to be giving me the silence threatment right before tribal even Mo has accepted what seems to be me going home.

It's a shame really cause if I do end up going home one of the majority of 4 is gonna regret it the very next week and two more later when the 4th beats them at the end. But hey congrats to that 4th guy whoever it is.

I've tought about doing an idol bluff but it wouldn't make sense for me to tell anyone I have it. Even Mo since if I hipotetically had it he wouldn't help me with it because he would be the one going home probably. Also because I would've definitely played it in a previous round for someone else if I had it and the rest probably knoes that.

Either way rn I'm currently trying to get home in time for tribal since I had to walk a chunk because I almost didn't had enough for the bus fare lel. Who knows maybe I'll survive somehow like the cockroach I am but I don't rate my chances or luck very highly. Either way at the end of the day I'm happy and you can't say I didn't try!

Ahrre is voted out 5-1.