#this is how my brain works without meds basically

[forgotten-daydreamer]

vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

[mars-ipan]

i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much

[jambalaya-enthusiast]

dude- i keep thinking about how the crew would react to reader just flirting with them randomly then cutting themselves off and just saying “WHAT WHO SAID THAT”

MAN THESE GEN Z PEOPLE—Crew Members x Reader who flirts with them and randomly yells WHO SAID THAT???

a/n: sorry guys, ik I've been late on this, especially sorry anon, this ask has been in there for WEEKS now. long story short, life happened. Im not graduating this year, my brain made me do not fun stuff which ended in me getting a concussion and being put on new meds. I chose the meds cuz it was either this or a trip down to the psych ward. tmi sorry lol. dw I'm back to writing tho.

warnings: none, goofy ahh fic

CURLY

He is one those himbos who is also kind of a country bumpkin so he's just confused above all else.

Whenever you flirt with him he is always smiling ear to ear.

"damn curly you're so hot, but i could still eat you without breaking a sweat–,

"awh y/n that's—

"WHO SAID THAT?????"

curly 404 has stopped working

he doesn't understand any gen z memes so he'll just stare at u like this: 😀?

JIMMY

annoyed. plain simple annoyed.

he is no better than curly, "memes are for people who have time for enjoyment". Ahh

He'll be grinning, being proud how you're skirting with him and then you go with that fuckass loud yell.

"jimmy you should let me borrow a kiss ;)".

"you know damn right, c'mere-

"WHO SAID THAT..WHO SAID THATTTTT?????".

Y/N WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Is annoyed for the rest of the day,

"this is why you don't get kisses you dork ass moron".

ANYA

Her heart just drops in her stomach whenever you yell that in her face😭

You've done it so many times yet she always somehow falls for it.

"Anya you're so sweet i could eat you up anytime".

"hehe y/n you're so–

"WHO SAID THATTTTT????"

she'll just drop on the spot 😭

SWANSEA

He has made you sign a literal written agreement that you will not be pulling off that stupid stunt any further.

Gets extremely fucking annoyed like you can see it on his face.

"lookin' damn fine swanbae ;)– WHO SAID THAT??????

"I am going to SMACK you kid".

Doesn't talk to you for the rest of the day

DAISUKE

You both compete with each other in order to see who can catch the other off guard the most in a day.

So the other crew members basically hear the disembodied yells of WHO SAID THAT throughout the day.

Swansea sometimes has to put you both on timeout when it gets out of control.

[dystopyx-blog]

Bro I think so hard about being in TWST without meds but specifically with Floyd. The way he just, doesn't care. You're tired? Awww how sad, he wants to play with his favorite shrimpy. You think he doesn't care at all until you hurt yourself and suddenly he's shackled to your side.

I just got like brain blasted by the SH post due to my own spiraling and like tjis idea alone has given me so much comfort

bro Floyd comfort…. I mean he is literally a comfort character for me, if it isn’t obvious lol. I’m really really glad I could give you some comfort! Genuinely, that gives ME comfort. Especially since my yandere twst posts are also meant to give me comfort, so the fact they do the same for others warms my heart.

It’s so surprising the first time Floyd comforts you. He approaches you, going “hey hey hey, what’s the matter with shrimpy? :(“ and you try to tell him it’s nothing. “Ain’t nothin’ if it got shrimpy sad. Tell me what’s wrong.” And to your surprise he sits and listens. And he’s a good listener, at least for you in that specific moment. He doesn’t interrupt, he doesn’t make fun of you, he sits there and hums to let you know he’s listening. You find yourself spilling everything to him, it’s surprisingly easy to. Maybe you shouldn’t have, maybe he’ll just use it all against you in the future, who fucking cares, this is what you need right now. For a second you wonder if this is actually Jade using Shock the Heart on you somehow. But no, it’s Floyd. A seemingly very out of character Floyd? After pouring your heart out to him, he hits you with a sympathetic stare. “Damn, shrimpy,” he says, “that really sucks…”

Then he gets up and you assume, that’s it, he’s gonna leave me here now. But he offers you a hand and a grin. “C’mon Shrimpy, I’m gonna cheer you up.” ‘And he will try his damndest to do just that, taking you all over campus to find something to lift your spirits. But really, the very process of hanging out with him and watching him try to find something to do with you is enough to have you smiling. You end up in the Mostro Lounge, Floyd promising to get ya whatever you want. Unfortunately, Jade is the one to take your order, which means, of course, you’re subject to his needling. But then Floyd shoos him away. And later, when Azul himself appears at your table, hoping to get his suckers on useful information, Floyd glares at him and tells him to leave you alone. “Great Seven, why can’t anyone just leave us alone? Cant they see I’m tryna spend time with my shrimpy?” And maybe you don’t realize it at the time, still so caught off guard from what seemed to be a total flip in personality, but he meant it when he called you his shrimpy. If you were anyone else, he wouldn’t have given a fuck, it’s only because you were you that Floyd was at all invested in your feelings. Cuz everything about his shrimpy is interesting and entertaining. That’s why they’re his. You notice Floyd hangs out with you a lot more after that, stuck to your side like glue. He’s awful for ADD considering his sudden swings in mood. You get distracted, but it’s even worse with him because once he’s in the mood to do something he just does it. So you’ll be trying to focus on work, and he’ll be there because he’s basically always with you at this point, and he suddenly decides you two have to go do this random thing right now. It’s the same when you’re in depressions, too, he’ll drag you along. It’s surprisingly helpful, though. It’s hard to be bored with Floyd, which makes sense considering how much he hates being bored. So even without your antidepressants… well, at least you have Floyd Leech??

[drdemonprince]

I’ve only just read your Burnout piece on Substack and it made me think of the anon you answered awhile back about anti depressants and anti anxiety medications.

I’m Autistic and am on anti anxiety medication which basically masked all the warning signs and symptoms of Autistic burnout. Those usual indicators I usually can pick up on which indicate I’m doing too much and not resting enough weren’t present on the medication.

I felt good (although very numb like the anon said) so I kept on taking on more and more and initially thought it was great! I’ve never been able to commit to things or work on multiple projects at once even ones that super interest and excite me because I get overwhelmed and burnt out quickly.

But without the warning signs I kept going and going until I started to feel really weird. Disassociated, not sleeping, upset stomach, drinking a lot. I thought everything was great so it took awhile to piece together that this is maybe what Autistic burnout results in when it’s covered by meds.

I’m now slowly withdrawing from the meds. I figure the authentic anxiety is better than false measures of “success”.

So just a warning to Autistic people I guess, I don’t know if what I’ve experienced is common or just subjective but it’s worth being aware of.

This is pretty much how I feel about psychiatric medication for myself, as well. I want the warning signs. I want to notice my body and brain rebelling. A lot of psychiatric drugs are somewhat effective at making us feel more numb, for a while, which is why they are used as a stopgap when a person's situation is unmanageable. I'm a big believer in the "Affect as Information" Hypothesis: when we feel like shit, that means something about our circumstances simply has got to change. Often that means giving up responsibilities, letting people down, letting things go.

I even feel the same way about weed. I have a lot of friends who use weed daily to manage their overwhelm, and it seems to work great for them, and potentially I should be doing the same thing. But I am terrified of having a massive dependence on a large quantity of weed in order to function, and when I *did* use weed daily, it became a baseline need and made me dissociate even further from myself. I now take the desire to use weed or otherwise get blasted as a signal that something is amiss and that I'm overwhelmed and seeking escape -- that doesn't mean I don't listen to that desire some of the time. I get high and/or drunk on the weekends pretty often. But I don't want to lose touch with my body's warning system. AND I have the immense luxury of being able to change my life circumstances when things get to be too much. If someone doesn't have that freedom, well, sometimes substances are the best thing you can get - be that psychiatric or off market.

[transmutationisms]

Why do u think so many people in like 'neurodivergent' spaces seem to simultaneously hold the belief that certain developmental disabilities or 'mental illnesses' arent 'an excuse' to be unable to do certain tasks, act certain ways, or to 'work on urself' or 'be better', in a way that completely ignores people with higher support needs that genuinely cannot do these things,just a complete lack of understanding that some people are not ever going to be able to 'mask' and that no, its not a 'privilege' to be very visibly, obviously considered developmentally defective from a young age..........but also practically worship psychiatry and pathologize every single iota of their behavior, labelling themselves with things like 'demand avoidance' without understanding the context behind these words or who gets nonconsensually labelled with these things, and what it is used to justify doing. I dont know how some people can be so ignorant of the material reality faced by people who get shoved into the 'low functioning' or 'severely mentally ill' boxes (how many autism influencer types have u ever seen bring up sheltered workshops?), but its a massive barrier to interacting in ND spaces for me and a lot of people i know. i dont understand how people who talk about how ADHD brains react differently to meds than 'neurotypical brains' can not understand that like, for example, i cant eat a certain food, i can eat rotten food and food i dislike but not that food, no matter if im starving, I was restrained and force fed that food in special ed and then force fed my own vomit when i inevitably threw up, I would have eaten the food if i could to make that stop! Why is this contradiction so prevalent!!! Anyway love the blog im also having an #ediblenight

well a few things. one is simple moral hypocrisy (accommodations for me, not for thee)

another is that i think many people actually do perceive the philosophical nonsensicality of psychiatric diagnosis (the recursive circle whereby you are dx'd with x because you do y, which is caused by x, which you know because the definition of x is that someone does y, which was based on clinical observation of people doing y and doctors determining that was harmful and therefore indicative of a medical problem, in other words the entire thing's observational but interpreted as providing a causal explanation)--

--they do perceive this as basically nonsense, hence "having x doesn't excuse [behaviour]" but then simultaneously, they have a prima facie credulous attitude toward Science, and toward the claim that psychiatry is Science, and so you get these like nonsense statements out both sides of their mouths where a diagnosis doesn't excuse anything they find morally reprehensible or personally annoying but it does also provide biologically irrefutable explanations for other things WHEN that's convenient for them.

another thing is just that experientially, lots of our actions feel out of our control for like numerous reasons having to do with alienation largely, and when those actions are also stigmatised it pushes people toward the promise of moral exculpation that psychiatry markets itself with, which is a kind of determinism in its strong forms and isn't really compatible with interpreting other people's actions as being intentional or willed or whatever. so again you just end up with these double statements lol , like, a problem with psychiatry trying to claim legitimacy as a 'brain science' is it does kind of counterpose itself to most interpretations of free will. any time you are stuck choosing between moral culpability and biological determinism you kinda already lost the plot & this is something that antipsych people get maddeningly accused of all the time when what we're actually saying is it's possible to be neither biologically diseased nor broken nor immoral for doing the Behaviours lol

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

can I ask for like, a spark notes on what anti psych is?

like. I'm very aware of and agree with the fact that psych as a structure is based in control and capitalism and such, and the structures of normal and such are all based around ability to perform in a white abled capitalist etc society.

But im also like, Dependant on psych meds to function even a little, and I think the way I have interacted w psych meds is the way everyone should have access to if thats needed. all med changes, starts, and stops have been because I went to my docs and said "I'd like to try this", and they told me abt options and what they thought might work well, but left the end decision up to me. and ik thats far from universal, but I do think that in an ideal world that would be more or less how psych meds worked. ive also had shit experiences with CBT, but had great success with DBT and more or less like the idea its built on (a lot of ppl w chronic mh issues didn't have the opportunity to build certain skills growing up, and helping them build those later can be super helpful to make their brain less stressful to live in)

are these views which have a place in anti psych? is there anything youd reccomend I read to get a better idea of anti psych's view on meds for ppl who benefit from them and/or less standard therapies like dbt?

When I say I'm antipsych, I mean that I am against psychiatry as a carceral institution with the power to deny people basic bodily autonomy in the name of coerced and forced treatment.

I'm not against the concept of deciding to take psych meds or go to therapy, and there would still be space to do so in a world without psychiatry as an institution of carceral power. I still think there could be relevant use of many individual tools associated with psychiatry for some people, and I fully respect your right to pursue both psych meds and therapy.

I just want it to happen in a context of full transparency and autonomy, where you are actually guaranteed the final say in what treatment you want and if and when to stop it, without the risk of someone forcibly treating you (or denying you treatment you do want) if they think you're making the "wrong" decision.

I do have many criticisms of psych meds and the (lack of) scientific evidence behind them, but I don't want to deny mentally ill people the right to decide for themselves what they want to try and what works for them. I am in favor of full autonomy for mentally ill people, not a new dogma for how we're allowed to live our lives.

[angelosearch]

fanfic writing struggles rant

I'm in this head space where I have written so little lately that I fear I have forgotten how.

Of course summer classes and various non-writing projects/commitments I have been getting in the way... but writing used to be how I decompressed. Writing has seemed harder lately. I dread it some. I have trouble finding words and my rhythms are all gone. The prose is forced. It takes so long to get warmed up for a session that it is basically over by time I get there.

When I have a few minutes and the motivation to put words to a page they... they just don't have the "oomph" they did before. I hate it. I have two fics pretty much done and a bunch of chapter pieces but I can't bring myself to post. They just don't feel "good" enough.

I feel so uninspired too. Even the ideas I was so excited about before seem so dull, hackneyed or convoluted. I'm so down on it all, I'm even looking back at my past work with a terrible attitude.

I am so bummed. This might be the longest I've gone without posting anything since I started writing again in January 2024. It's so irrational but part of me is like "what if this is it?," like I've used up all my fanfiction juice.

I am currently in a rough thyroid flare up which effects... pretty much everything. There's brain fog, pain, inflammation everywhere, a whole host of fun symptoms. The worst of it is how it effects my sleep, which has a cascading impact on my mood and cognitive processing. I have no energy or brain power. And depressive symptoms, yay!! (oh, and it makes my wrist worse 🙃) Hopefully this will be short-lived. I never know how long it's going to be. If I need a med readjustment... It could be quite a while.

I'm going to try to read and comment a little more to try to get the fire burning again. At the very least it will challenge my urge to socially isolate... Which I think I've been doing lately whoops 😬

[tigergirltail]

TIGER HRT CHAPTER 5 - MONTH 4 - COMMUNITY

FIRST - PREV - NEXT

It took another month after my check-in, after starting the correct dosage, for my transformation to stabilize and stop hurting all the time. My bones have settled down, my tail is getting long enough to get in the way which is honestly more exciting than annoying, and I've even got little bitty claws pushing out of my fingers! The mechanisms for retracting and extending them haven't grown yet, though, so I just… am sharp now.

It's actually become kind of a bloody inconvenience, and I use the term 'bloody' very literally. The first few times I went to go scratch an itch, I'd end up drawing blood, and having to go clean myself up and put on a bandage. I thought about clipping my claws, but I have no idea if that's going to stunt their development or have consequences when I can finally retract them, and it's not something that seems worth bothering Dr. Erian about. The biggest problem is that sometimes I'll move my arms in my sleep, and there's no way of telling what'll be in the way. I've already had to conduct emergency repairs on three plushies, and my bedsheets are kind of a write-off.

I was a little afraid of the pain subsiding, if I'm being honest, because it means going back to work, which means existing in a public space with my half-human half-something-else face. It's still cold enough that I can wear a scarf and toque over the more off-putting features, but that won't last much longer and it's not something I can do indoors. I'm just going to have to face the truth…

I don't pass as human anymore.

My first day working in-person again, my supervisor walks into my office with the intention of welcoming me back, but what actually happens is he stands in the doorway dumbfounded before asking, "Now what in the world happened to your face??"

For all the time I had, I never actually managed to think of a clever lie, so I just tell him it's a side effect of some new meds I'm taking. Technically not a lie, if you ignore the word 'side'. Fortunately, he doesn't ask what's wrong with me. I'm not looking forward to having to tell someone who doesn't get it that Being Human counts as Something Wrong.

Work has been alright, though, if a bit dull. My coworkers mostly leave me to my own devices to get things done.

It's doing anything else that becomes an issue.

I get lots of stares in the grocery store or the mall. I'm not sure whether it's the inhuman face that does it, or the fact that I nearly always wear t-shirts and my fur is now growing up to my wrists. I think it's growing faster now that it's run up against peak arm hair territory. Either way, I basically don't dare set foot outside without my partner in tow. Nobody's tried anything yet, but I see them shying away from me, and just the other day a little kid called me a 'monster'. It's… still eating at me.

I never could take being the centre of attention.

It's not all doom and gloom, though. I don't know whether the tactile senses of my hands have changed or it's something psychological, but that thing cats do where they knead something with their claws? "Making biscuits" I've heard it called?

It feels soooo niiiice.

Last weekend I went to take an afternoon nap, and ended up spending a solid half hour just squishing my blahaj with my hands (or would that be 'paws' now?) All the stress from the previous week just… melted away. It was like an ASMR video for my sense of touch.

Is it bad that I'm really enjoying being a little more cat-brained?

I've also become RAVENOUSLY hungry. As in, "destroy an entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting" hungry. The meat cravings have kicked in, HARD, and I've basically lost my appetite for bread and pasta. You really don't realize how much human food is grain-based until you stop wanting to eat it…

All the big changes hitting at once are getting hard to withstand sometimes. There are nights when I go to bed absolutely euphoric about how it's finally happening, I'm finally embodying everything I'm supposed to be! But there are also nights when I cry myself to sleep because oh gods, what was I thinking, why am I doing this to myself, I look and feel like a godsdamned circus freak, and it really doesn't help to remember that white tigers are pretty much universally victims of inbreeding and abuse.

In a moment of weakness, I catch myself eyeing the remaining contents of the HRT bottle. I ran some numbers a little while back and figured out that at the recommended dose, this bottle is an entire 18-month treatment, give or take. Well, 12 months now, I guess, since I was accidentally taking a triple dose for the first three months. The fact that it's a diluted Fifteen Minute formula means that if I just brace myself and chug the entire rest of the bottle, that would finish out the treatment in one go, wouldn't it? It… probably wouldn't even hurt as much as doing Fifteen-Minute from the start, right?

My partner walks in on me holding it and staring at it, and asks what I'm doing, so I explain my thought process. They just silently put one hand on mine and use the other to gently remove the bottle from my grasp.

"But I -", I begin to protest.

"No."

"I keep getting stared at and -"

"No."

"That one little girl called me a monster!"

"No."

I start crying, and I can't help raising my voice. "If I just finish it all NOW then maybe -"

"NO."

They set the bottle down and pull me into a tight hug, pinning my upper arms to my sides. "I love you very much, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself. You went into this knowing it was gonna suck for a while, and right now it sucks, but it's not worth risking your life over."

I don't have a counter-argument. I just lower my face onto their shoulder and sob. "I just… I don't want to keep doing this alone anymore! I need… I need help! Support, guidance, SOMETHING!!" I cling to them, digging my fingers, my claws, into their back. "I don't want to be the only one…"

"You aren't.", they reassure me quietly. "Didn't you tell me yourself that there's a bunch of people doing this? We even saw a whole crowd of them at that seafood place."

"Y-yeah, but I don't know anybody local!"

"Then find them online. It's better than nothing, isn't it?"

"It's… It's just not the same…"

They pat me on the back. "Just… try. For me."

They let me cry into their shoulder for another several minutes before I let them go.

Back at my computer, I sit down and start searching for a humanity removal therapy support group. A Discord server, a Facebook group, a Tumblr sideblog, ANYTHING. Gods help me, I'm even looking to TWITTER for help. Even as a human I was a solitary creature, and tigers are about as solitary a creature as they come, so it takes a lot of effort to bring myself to reach out. I end up doing it right before I go to bed, just firing off a few quick messages to some figures in the community, then forcing myself not to look at social media the rest of the night. For all my growth, I'm still a bit terrified of being noticed.

By the time I wake up, some of them have gotten back to me. I… wasn't expecting it to be so fast.

It turns out there's a private group chat where a bunch of them hang out on the regular to talk about what they're going through. They sound open to the idea of bringing me in, but want to get to know me a little better first. I don't blame them for wanting to keep to themselves. I get to talking with one of them, a lamia-to-be, and through our conversations I get the distinct impression that, well, I'm not alone in feeling alone. Somehow I manage to convince her I'm worth knowing and having around, and she sends me an invite to the group chat server.

Time to face the mortifying ordeal of being known.

I go through all the typical new-to-the-server motions. I read the rules page - it's the usual "don't be a dick" type stuff, with some bonus content applicable to our unique situation, like not stereotyping based on species, and a reminder to not present your own experiences with humanity removal as universal fact. Then into the welcome channel to type up a quick introduction:

"Hey all, I'm Alexis, transfem (she/her), 38, 4 months white tiger HRT. Interests include gaming, tabletop RPGs, costuming, and witchcraft. Looking forward to getting to know everyone!"

A few people react with heart emojis and tiger emojis. Discord only has the standard orange tiger as an emoji, but, you know, close enough. One person reacts with a witch emoji, and it gives me a laugh.

There's a channel for serious questions about the transformation process, so I decide to hop in and fire off a quick one:

"Not that I mind this, but why am I so hungry for meat now? It hit around the 3 month mark and now I can eat an entire roast chicken in one go"

Over the course of the next hour or so, a few people weigh in. The consensus is that my body is entering a 'bulking up' phase, and needs a ton of protein to generate muscle. Just out of curiosity I go to do an online search to confirm something, and yeah, tigers are a lot more proportionally muscular than humans are. Someone else suggests taking calcium supplements to help with bone growth, unless I'm prepared to drink a LOT of milk. I am in fact prepared for that, but it couldn't hurt to drop by the pharmacy.

It also turns out that the server isn't just for people who have started their HRT, but for aspiring humanity-removers as well. There's even a channel specifically for advice navigating the whole process, including how to convince your medical provider that you're for real and you won't immediately regret it when the itching/soreness/bleeding kicks in.

One of the regular posters is a teenage girl with a corvid avatar who asks a lot of questions about what it's like to become nonhuman. Surprisingly, she's not trans like most of us are, but she is queer. It sounds like she's not in a stable situation, though - she asks at one point if anyone can think of a way to get the meds without her parents noticing.

The problem is, even if that's a possibility, someone would notice when she starts sprouting black feathers and a beak.

---

(guest cameo from @ariathelamia!)

[apathetic-revenant]

uh...hi?

[head pokes around corner]

so...

I've been back to scrolling around on tumblr for a bit now, and have been really wanting to get back to actually, y'know. being here. posting. not just sort of hanging here invisibly like a mournful ghost, observing but never interacting. that sort of thing. (revenants, after all, are supposed to be corporeal undead.)

but I really wanted to explain why I just kind of abruptly vanished in the first place. no one demanded this of me, but it felt like something I had to do. and then, in the typical way of self-imposed obstacles, it became a massive stumbling block. partly because of the nerves and emotions attached to it, sure, but mostly, tbh, because it was a Task. I recently (about 3 weeks ago now?) started seeing a new psychiatrist and got an adjustment to my ADHD meds which basically made my brain boot up again for the first time in way too long. this is great! but it means I am having to kind of slowly rehab my brain into getting used to doing Literally Anything again, one small step at a time. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I had to gradually build up my executive functioning for a while just to be able to write a tumblr post.

but fuck it! I really wanted to just do this already. so, while I'm sure I'll talk about all this in more detail later, for right now I'm gonna strip this down to the bare essentials just so I can get it done at all.

here's what happened:

in 2020 I had a sudden onset of extremely severe OCD.

no, not about the pandemic, actually. yeah I was anxious about the pandemic but it was a pretty normal level of anxiety for a global pandemic, honestly. my OCD took the form of scrupulosity--essentially, an obsessive worry about being a bad person.

tumblr is....not a GREAT place to be if you have a sudden obsessive fear of being a bad person.

now, to be clear: tumblr did not CAUSE my OCD, and leaving tumblr did not cure it. that's just not how OCD works. later on, I learned that atypical antipsychotics--one of which I had been prescribed around that time, for depression--have been known to cause OCD. is there any way to prove that that's what happened? probably not, at this point! so I've just been kind of sitting with that terrible knowledge for a while.

anyway. I would've had OCD anyway, but reading a regular stream of posts going "hey, here's a really terrible thing you might be doing! you might even be doing it without knowing it! you need to think really hard and be constantly vigilant all the time for any sign that you might be doing this thing!" was basically pouring gasoline on the fire.

I never made an active decision to leave tumblr--if I had I would've said something first. I just kind of thought "god, I can't do this right now" one day and didn't open the app, which turned into days and then weeks and then months, and still things weren't getting better.

it's hard to express exactly how harrowing that whole experience was. actually I just started thinking about it and realized I would never finish this post tonight if I tried to get into it just now. so I won't. let's just say: It Was Bad.

but, by an astronomical stroke of luck, I ended up getting referred to not just an OCD therapist, not just the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid, but the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid and also she was really good at her job. I genuinely think that woman saved my life.

OCD therapy is one of those "the only way out is through" kind of things. it's brutal and also quite surreal, but it has a high success rate and is very effective. OCD is not a thing that you can cure, per se, but it went from completely dominating every waking moment of my life to being something that I occasionally have to yell at in much the same way as when the cat starts knocking things off my desk at 3 in the morning.

but, the thing was, it took a year-and-a-bit before my therapist and I agreed that I had probably "graduated" as she put it. so, by the time I felt able to go back on tumblr without my brain catching on fire again, it had been so long that I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I'd pulled a major dick move by just dropping off without saying anything. I still thought about it (usually late at night, at Time To Think About Every Regret I've Ever Had O'Clock) but my brain very easily goes to a place of "well, no one would really notice or care that I was gone, and if they did they'd be mad at me for having left."

well. earlier this year I started on the road to getting past that idea. shoutout to @fordtato for helping with that, btw.

but it took me a while to work up the courage and then, as previously mentioned, even longer to work up the neurotransmitters.

I think I gotta wrap this up for now cause I don't have much concentration juice left. but, for what it's worth: I had a lot of emotions, coming back and seeing the names of people I used to talk to all the time. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, but I really missed yall. I would like to talk to you again.

[themoonandtheprincess]

Tasha Davenport and Davenkids headcanons for Mother's Day!

•In the first episode, Leo says Tasha and Donald met on online dating but I think it would be much more realistic if they met while Tasha interviewed him about an invention.

°And Donald's brain just short circuits straight out of his head and he drops this million dollar, brand-new technology right on the floor and it breaks into a million pieces.

°He cries about it to Adam, Bree, and Chase later but all they do is make kissy faces and mock him because they're around 11-13 at the time.

°So, Tasha has known about them for a while and they were, at one point, the final straw in their relationship because she couldn't handle how Donald wasn't even treating them as humans.

°She threatened to take them with her but Donald had bullied her, saying she knew nothing about science or robotics and wouldn't be able to keep them alive without their bionics and millions of equipment and tech.

°So, she stayed with him but emotionally away. And kept Leo away from him for the longest time. The first episode was the first time he had been in Donald's house. Their relationship only started getting better when Adam, Bree, and Chase were "freed" from the basement.

°Leo didn't meet Donald until three years into their relationship and they then got married five months later.

•And it wasn't until Chase started dating Sebastian that she saw essentially a mirror of her relationship with Donald. That is to say, toxic. The only difference being Tasha and Donald actually healed their relationship and regained trust, if rocky.

•When they were Davencourting, Donald promised her she would never had to work again but she told him that reporting was her passion.

•How they would do the "Pass the phone" trend.

"I'm passing the phone who married a millionaire scientist yet still insists on keeping her reporting job."

"I'm passing the phone to someone who programmed a home security system to bully him."

"I'm passing the phone to the home security system that literally has stopped nothing from coming in. Also he doesn't have hands so it cant be passed to him."

"I'm passing the phone to the smartest man on earth who insisted his first gay relationship didn't fuck him up."

"I'm passing the phone to someone who got a job at Mighty Med to pop bones back in place with his super strength and ended up breaking them."

"I'm passing the phone to Skylar."

"Adam! That's not how you're supposed to do it!"

"Oh, well, you already passed me the phone."

• She dyes Skylar's pink streak by having her hover over the bathtub then Oliver shoot water at her when it's time to rinse. Impractical but they find it fun.

• Her children had disaster coming outs.

°It started with Bree in the lab, putting away training gear, when Tasha had approached her. "Bree," she said. "I have nothing against it, but you need to stop looking up 'girls kissing' on Donald's computers."

Bree watched Tasha pick at her fingernails. "But," she started. "That's not normal? Just like growing up in a basement?"

"No, no, no." Tasha rectified. "It's normal- the girls part, not the basement part- but it's being sent to Eddy."

Bree's mouth made an 'O.' "But Chase looks up two guys kissing and it never gets sent to Eddy."

Chase's head perked up from where he was tinkering with a project. "That's a perk of being half-robot, sis!"

"The Perks of Being Part Robot," Adam laughed. "They're gonna make into a LGBT movie."

"So..." Tasha drawled out. "Do you like guys, too?"

"Oh no," Adam grinned, bouncing on his toes. "I just kiss my homies goodnight."

•Tasha loves Kaz. Especially because she can relate to him on a personal level growing up in a poor household and being forced to parent younger siblings.

•Kaz also teaches her basic medicine for the team and she has basically all of Mighty Med out after a mission.

°She finds him infinitely times better than Sebastian but only tells him that once.

•Nobody even thinks about getting into an argument with her, let alone raising their voice, because the only person who did that was Chase.

°It was when he was dating Sebastian and he was trying to convince her that he was a good guy and wasn't paying attention to when he raised his voice at her.

°For the smartest man on earth, it was a very easy and very big fuck.

•She refuses to be mediator on any argument. Even the simplest thing like when Chase and Adam argued about boxed water.

•Leo's dad left when he was four but Donald has never had the "I'm not trying to be your dad" talk with him.

•When Skylar started dating Bree, she brought Tasha and Donald a dead pig. "It is an offer for your daughter's hand in courtship and proof I can provide for your family through the winter."

•Before Kaz and Chase's relationship was out, Kaz would catch on flames from anxiety if Donald or Tasha saw them even remotely next to each other.

•She was the one who suggested to Kaz that Adam could work at Mighty Med to pop bones back in place or whatever required super strength.

•Donald offered to make her bionic but she said she'd rather die.

•Donald used to cut the Rats hair when they were kids and it looked terrible. (It's why Chase's hair is so spiky. Ha. Spiky.)

•Also, Tasha never got used to Spike coming out. It scares the shit out of her every time.

[bossbutch]

halfway thru chapter 1 of umineko. idk how meaningful it is to speculate this early, The Real Umineko hasnt even properly started. these arent fully thought out and organized it's just scattered thoughts

battler's gender politics are entertainingly weird. he's like "when i meet a woman, even if she's my cousin or my servant, i NEED to make a big show of grabbing her tits so that she can hit me and everyone will laugh at the Classic Gag and it'll lighten the mood" which is just ridiculous enough to be something a rich teenager in the 80s could convince himself is okay. and then he sees the dinner seating and he's like "damn my family's so patriarchal. thought gained: inexplicable feminist agenda". i'm assuming this is a genre deconstruction thing. also lol that he is right next to maria in grandpa's tier list

maria is awesome btw i hope she gets to infodump about magic a lot more. some goon in the SA thread said the umineko author was once a social worker, so like. even if they don't use the word because it's japan in the 80s she's gotta be Intended as autistic

kinzo's room is so telegraphed to be a locked room mystery. he's entertaining too but i kinda zone out when he's talking about how his magic system works. i get the basic of more risk = more magic power but i worry it's the kind of thing that has Important Clues that my brain autofills with [arcane rambling]

battler constantly gasses up how good george is with kids and then george sees a family member repeatedly hitting their 9 year old disabled child and says, out loud, "not my problem"

assuming the epitaph is a puzzle intended to be solved and not the kind of puzzle that frames all the other puzzles and isn't solvable til the end: until the first butterfly i thought all the death and traveling was metaphorical. it still could be. like the six chosen by the key could be objects. the hands of a clock may be involved because that's in all the promo stuff and chapter start art. kinzo acted like the riddle was totally solvable by the doc or kanon or any of his kids. but if it was unsolvable until People Started Dying, it seems kinda pointless to have put the painting up years ago? but beatrice is a Dramatic Bitch.

Who Took The Rose?! no idea, but i'm sure it's important. if there's a 19th person, definitely them. totally possible the wrapper fell off but they'd still recognize the withered rose i reckon

Who Gave Maria The Umbrella?! again, if there's a 19th person, it's them. if not, natsuhi was my prime suspect because her alibi didn't have any witnesses but everyone else's did (if you really count grandpa and the doctor, like doc could easily say "i was with kinzo" and no one would verify that with kinzo). but then there was a scene right after from natsuhi's pov (migraine and can't sleep without meds, literally me) where she speculates who did it. so either the narrative is heavily fucking with me, it's gramps or the doctor, or it's someone with an accomplice

the narration is from battler's pov except when it's not and it's strange. it even isn't from his pov in some scenes that he's in, like the letter reading scene. this is the type of thing that could Mean Something way later but is just a little confusing sometimes right now

kyrie saying there's a contradiction in beatrice showing herself to maria but hiding from everyone else, failing to consider beatrice may be a Dramatic Bitch. i think there's probably a 19th person even if they are not necessarily a witch with magic powers

the furniture being totally able to break promises but can't disobey orders is the kind of exact words semantic sillies that umineko memes made me expect

goes w/o saying that the way the servants are treated is supremely fucked up. going to servant school and then working in the mansion at age six... george proposing to a girl that he has so much power over is lol. it's nice that umineko cares who the servants are and why they're there, and other logistical human things like how kinzo made his money and what they're all doing with it

at midnight, where was the doctor?

they drop some hints that the non-shannon, non-krauss bodies have their faces disfigured and Could be other people but that is pretty ridiculous and there's no reasons to consider that yet

i wish the LP used the doughy original art but that's the price i pay for convenience

[adhd-chaos-queen]

Went to my GP today, 'cause I need a higher dose of my ADHD meds and they said they wouldn't perscribe it until i talked to a specialist... like, do know how long it takes to get an appointment?

I just wanna cry...

My meds are helping me, but it's not enough anymore.

It helps with sitting still and listening and taking notes, but it is not enough to focus and do more complex tasks.

It did for a while, but I'm all alone at work rn and it just get's too much and then I get overwhelmed and just stall which obviously makes things worse...

I feel like my brain is a car.

Lenme explain (also I'm european and will use kmh not mph)

My brain on a good day without meds can go like 40kmh

On a mediocore day it's like 20, and on a bad day it won't even start.

On hyperfocus with or without meds it's like 200... but thats rare

With my meds I can go from 70 to 100 depending on the circumstances.

But recently, even with meds it's been going just 60.

And since my brain knows it can do more but is currently unable to due to lack of resources I just get so frustrated.

And now basically my gas station told me I can't get the better gas my car needs until a mechanic looked under the hood.

I get where they're coming from, but I need a fast fix before it gets worse...

(Also I recently quit my job 'cause I hated it amd will start a new on, where I won't be alone anymore in December. But for these 3 Months I really need that extra help for my brain)

[fabrickind]

so how in the absolute fuck did Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku save your life

LMAO a couple people have been wondering this so I'll tell the story.

tl;dr: if you are having severe medication side effects, get off that med.

In fall of 2017 I came down with a nasty migraine(? probably?) that disabled me to the point of being pretty much non-functional. I had to quit my job, I could barely leave bed, was in too much pain 24/7 to sleep properly and when I did sleep it was nothing but dreams about being in pain, the works.

I went through a LOT of different medications and diagnostics (MRI, spinal tap, you name it) to try to fix this problem. It never fully went away, but Botox ended up getting me functional again.

One of the medications they put me on, Topamax, was very bad for me. I did the proper ramping up of dose, got to the correct dose, and everything was so much worse. I was having hallucinations, visual disturbances, overall a bad time.

Around this time I was also having issues with word recall. I would mean to say one thing but a totally different word would come out, or I couldn't think of a word at all. Usually this was when I was super tired, so I just chalked it up to my brain being mush due to pain and fatigue (my brain is often soup when I have a migraine, let alone one that severe for going on several months at that point) and mostly ignored it, since i had more pressing problems.

Around this time the neurologist I saw also saw my symptoms and side effects and the fact that the med wasn't helping up to that point and said "well all of that will get better with time" and wrote me a prescription for quadruple (!!) my dose (without ramping up either).

THANKFULLY, just before this happened, I was in the car, fully awake, having a relatively good day, and what comes on my iPod shuffle but our old friend Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku. I was singing along, well, trying to, but I would open my mouth and only gibberish would come out, and not even the correct gibberish. I thought "that's concerning" and tried again. More gibberish.

I had remembered that my now partner (this was just before we started dating) was briefly on Topamax for migraine prevention and had word recall issues, but that hers persisted for a long time after she stopped.

So I called up my GP and said "uhhh here's my side effects (including the aphasia issues, the neurologist knew about those) and the dose he wants me on, should I do this?" and she basically said "wtf no stop the med right away."

If I hadn't had the issues with very much the wrong sounds coming out of my mouth when singing, I probably would have believed the neurologist and suddenly started a quadruple dose of the med, which would have caused even worse side effects, and side effects that were permanent, or at least MUCH longer lasting than the maybe month or so of continued visual issues and mild word recall issues I ended up with. (Also my overall health improved and I had less of the extreme eepies I had on the med once I stopped.) Luckily I was only on it for maybe two weeks at that point?

So "ZUM saved my life" is probably an exaggeration, but "ZUM prevented continued and long-lasting neurological problems" is absolutely not. It seems like sometimes the cognitive impairments go away for people after stopping Topamax, but for people who have been on high doses and/or for a long time, it sometimes doesn't, even after years.

So thanks, Utena, for my life, literally this time.

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c28. On a leash.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs, mentions of death, depression, eating disorders.

song to listen to when reading this: Movement, Hozier.

abstract: Judy here, I really don't know what my life is about, I'm working in autopilot. Something is clearly wrong but I haven't figured it out yet… which is weird cause I always figure out everything before everyone else. I feel fucking ill.

'Praticamente niente, ho un nuovo lavoro.' Alba propped her phone against a cereal box and stood in the frame. Salvo's expression, on her phone, turned from confusion to excitement, his big black eyes looking at her in shock. 'Ma che cazzo…' She laughed and sat down on one of the stools. She had her wet hair up in with towel, a oversized jumper on. She got an email that morning from Laswell, said that since she did so well on her last mission she could help out once more. In reality, and she didn't know this, they were calling her just to keep an eye on her, Shepherd's orders. Keep the girl under observation, he had said. It wasn’t because she was good, poor thing. It was because they were scared. The job description was exactly how you would expect it, non existent. She would get briefed that night. Laswell had other things to attend and couldn't really follow smaller missions that were all organised by Price. She told Salvo the news. She told him she was happy, it was basically a promotion without a pay raise, but she liked it anyway. She craved that validation, the fact that she was getting praised by her boss and having more to do than her usual sessions was going to keep her busy and distract her from nightmares and paranoia.

She asked Salvo to remind her what time he was flying to the airport, since she was supposed to pick him up. He would stay at her place for a few nights, and then go back to base. Just to catch up and spend more time together. She sat in group therapy at the edge of her seat, she was eager to get out and go to the meeting with Price, to know what she needed to do, what her tasks were going to be. There were three people in the room with her, she usually had larger groups but many were still deployed or at home to their families. 'And how are you doing with your meds Andy?' She had her notebook on her lap, she put a strand of hair behind her ear. 'Do you remember what I was saying a few weeks ago about panic, about using your senses to ground yourself?' It was almost scary how she liked helping people, and how she never took her own advice. She had a long healing journey from her past, when she was in university she took therapy extremely seriously, since her brain blocked out memories and chunks of her past from bothering her and tormenting her in her day-to-day life. After the attack last year, after Arash… She really wasn't the best to give advice, she was just going with what theories and literature had to offer her. Fix everybody and let yourself rot in bed for weeks. 'It might be useful to focus your attention to something you can see like the cars out of the window, something you can hear…' She gently stretched to her right with her hand open, 'Something you can feel like my hand on your arm, or the chair beneath you…' She gently gave Sargent Alison a pat on the arm. She had time for a smoke break after the session ended, that's where she found the Lieutenant.

He stood alone with his mask raised on his nose, cigarette in his right hand. He wore black, she thought he looked even taller today, taller and bigger. Handsome. He offered his lighter without her even having to ask. He acted like he knew her forever. 'I heard you'll be joining us again.'

'Just make sure you don't say my name again this time, you're gonna get me killed.'

His blood went cold for a second, heat rushing to his masked face. He had thought about what he did constantly after New Years. Even when he was with her on that bench, walking down the street with Jinx or choosing what to eat, he looked at her and thought about her being dead. He thought about her under the desk, at the ballet school, pale and terrified. He ate with her, payed for dinner, told her to get whatever dessert she liked. He held her dog on a leash for her. Her shoulder brushed his arm countless times while they squeezed in the crowd to get to the bench. He almost killed her. He cursed her for joking about it, you’re too young to understand. She was smoking in silence beside him, looking at the sun setting, painting the deserted street pink and gold. He was done with his cigarette, he debated waiting for her. Entering the briefing room together would have looked extremely suspicious. No one knew what he had been doing, no one knew he knew her. He thought Johnny was suspicious for sure, cause he noticed he had been going out a few times alone. But no one could ever imagine he ate dinner at her house, walked with her, talked to her. He hugged her (she chose him). No one knew he knew stuff about her, like her tattoos, that she liked to cook, that she broke her right arm as a kid. No one knew she knew him, that was the scary part. She knew where he was from, where he got deployed, that be enjoyed working in Bulgaria, she knew he didn’t like hostage situations. She knew he was allergic to stupid fucking strawberries… No one could even imagine she had anything to do with him, someone like him.

He snapped back to reality when he felt her pull his jacket. She looked like a child pulling on his sleeve. He looked at her and realised she wanted him to take a step back and take cover from the light rain. She quickly let go of the fabric, he did as she wished and pressed his back to the wall so he wouldn’t get soaked. She was considerate. She was observant. They smoked in silence, he was done before her, he waited for her to finish. He was getting extremely nervous. She seemed to be relaxed, a bit tired even. ‘What’s the mission?’ she asked, they were walking inside, side by side. His boots heavy on the ground in sync with the clicking of her shiny shoes. Her coat was flowing behind her like a super villain cape. ‘Serbia’, he answered, they stepped in the meeting room.

Walking with him made her comfortable and confident. They stepped inside the room together, her in front of him, they gained a couple of weird looks. Even Price noticed. As if he didn’t already suspect that something was going on, and nothing was going on they were literally just colleagues. They happened to be in the corridor at the same time, no big deal. He felt like everyone could hear his thoughts or read his mind. He felt violated, like everyone knew how often he thought about her, and in which situations. He felt terrified at the thought everyone in the room had the right to think about her as well. He didn’t sit next to her, she chose her spot next to the wall, she didn’t seem to mind that he was no longer beside her. She noticed the room counted less soldiers, compared to the Al-Jareena mission. She saw Kyle, Scotland, the guy that mocked her in the past mission. She recognised his face. With the captain, the room counted six people. Price started speaking without even acknowledging her, or the others for that matter. He explained the situation in Serbia was getting out of hand again, but not enough to get deployed there. This time, they were waiting, this time violence wasn't exactly the answer. With a look around the room she quickly understood that she was the only one unaware of what the situation in Serbia was…

Her confused look gained Price's attention, so he made the effort to explain. 'We've been following some criminal gangs in Serbia, they occupy a neighbourhood close to the Romanian border. It was just stealing and drugs at the beginning, it's getting larger now. It's nothing major still, but they seem a rather strong group.' She nodded. The captain turned the small tv in the room on, two faces popped up. Two men. 'This is Smith and Madison, you remember them. They infiltrated the group nearly four months ago. They're reporting some changes in the diplomacy in the group, they're beginning to work with external parties…'

'What do you mean, they're expanding?' someone asked, she didn't turn to look.

'They are. They have arms, they have men, no one really knows who they are, they haven't been arrested yet, they're maybe getting paid to serve as mercenary.'

'By who?' she was the one to speak now, eyes still glued on the screen.

Price gave her a look, before revealing they suspected other terrorist groups to be in contact with them. Jude tried to hide her extremely confused expression, while everyone felt like Price’s speech was totally making sense. 'Jude, we would need you to… listen.' She felt her heart drop at him personally addressing her. 'Beg your pardon?' She whispered. He took a step towards her 'We have a team of two people who listen to the group's conversation basically all day, since Smith and Madison were finally able to plant covert listening devices around their bases. You would be listening, writing and reporting any details you think are important.' She kept looking at him without making a sound. Why don't they do it? Why me? She was about to answer when he started talking again. 'You're Croatian on your mother's side, Serbian is a variety of the Serbo-Croatian language, they even switch to English at times'.

Fucked. She was fucked. She looked at the captain petrified, he knew she wasn't really Croatian for Christ's sake! That's not true I'm not fucking Croatian, you dick! And he knows it. It's part of the fake story, you idiot. 'Correct me if I'm wrong… I'm supposed to sit and listen and take notes? You know I don't know Croatian that well, let alone Serbian…' She hated him for putting her in that position. She felt her face burn up, her ears turning red. I’m not doing it. ‘Well, it shouldn’t be too difficult. Serbian language has three genders, they have neuter as well. They have grammatical cases, nominative, dative, accusative… you studied Latin didn’t you?’ Her face dropped in an even more shocked expression. She did, in fact, study Latin. Ten years ago. ‘I’m sorry, you have two people working on this, what do you need me for?’ She spoke again, hoping no one in the room could sense the panic in her voice. Simon could. He was tense as well, basing off her body language, which he observed from his seat, she wasn’t comfortable at all. Why wasn’t she, he thought she was all proud and confident to work with them. What is happening to you, sweet thing? ‘Because we trust you, Jude.’ The captain assured. You don’t, she thought. ‘Laswell trusts you, she likes the way you work, she feels like she has control over these type of situation if you’re working as well. Plus, the workload is significant…' She felt flattered, don’t get me wrong. But no, something was up. She had a job already, she didn’t know Serbian. She didn’t know the alphabet, she didn’t know the vocabulary. It was absurd, her mom wasn’t fucking Croatian and Price knew. Laswell knew! Laswell was the one who helped with the fake identity thing! They were up to something.

She let out a sight, ‘Will I get compensated?’ She was back, Simon saw her. He saw right through her, he saw her change. He saw the way her eyes looked dark, fierce. She fixed her posture, she looked at the captain through her eyebrows. She was Jude again, Alba was gone. ‘Compensated?’ The captain asked, he made a mistake. She quickly followed. 'I already have a job. I’ll have to learn the alphabet, captain. You’ll need to get me a dictionary. And you said you have two people that are working right now every day practically all day, with me I count…’ she pretended to think about it, ‘eight hours of listening and writing each day?’ Silence. Simon had to repress a smile. 'I guess… yes, no you're right.' She sat back in her seat, shocked that he thought she wasn't gonna ask to get paid.

She quickly realised what mess she had gotten herself into. The men in the room kept talking about the gangs situation, their next steps and when they were going to intervene. She spaced out, thinking about what actually meant to have agreed to something like that. She had work, she had ballet… When was she gonna have time to do this? And, again, she didn't know Serbian! She felt a wave of anxiety wash over her when the captain handed her the two other workers' schedule. She was still looking at the working hours, walking towards the exit when she felt an hand on her shoulder. Her mind went to Simon. It went to Simon immediately to be exact, she thought that she was going to raise her eyes and see him, he would ask her if she was fine with all probability. She felt like she could rant to him and tell him the truth, it was too much to ask her, she felt incredibly lost and insecure… It wasn't Simon.

'You keep surprising me, really. You'll be our official translator!'

She let out a chuckle while Kyle practically escorted her out of the room.

It wasn't Simon.

notes: i am uploading from my hotel in turkey lol.

notes: i inspire my missions to real life history facts, and I think you can kinda see which wars and historical events this is inspired from. if you can't, it means I did a good job hiding it. I want to remind you everything I write is fictional, if I'm taking inspiration is simply from historical facts that are common knowledge. I'm going to refer to Italy and set the story in Italy soon, so I will be talking about war and crime in my own country. still, it will be all from my imagination. bye. I love you.

taglist:

@ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[ahiddenpath]

Hidden's Life

Chatting about life beneath the cut.

It's week three on anxiety meds.

Pros:

-My lifelong IBS is like 95% gone.

Just... Poof, overnight. This is HUGE for me. I've always been afraid to go out, my whole life, in the window of 9-11 AM, because there was a good chance...

to use the bathroom. And of course, that window is prime time for setting up the day's experiment at work. Or like, I might have a meeting in that window where I would rather NOT run out to use the restroom.

So uh. Pretty huge for me.

-Better Mood

I'm chill. I deal with shit better. I laugh more and complain less. I find myself feeling grateful often.

-Not stressed/better mood regulation

This is related to "better mood," but I wanted to separate it because it's so specific to... How I lived before vs now. If a Worrisome or Annoying/Uncool thing happens these days, I think... What should I do about that? And generally, I either deal with the thing or go, "I can't do anything. I'll have to deal with what comes, like I always have and always do." And then. That's. It? You just. Let???? It??? Go??????

And this is both amazing and also really uncomfortable, which leads me to...

Cons

-Who the heck am I

I was warned that I might not feel like myself on anxiety meds, and yeah, I get that now. I almost feel irresponsible??? Somehow??? Because I'm not obsessing and fixating on whatever might be worried me or irritating me (we'll call that X). Am I careless if I just put down X? If I don't try to prepare or be extra vigilant? Am I really a better adjusted Hidden, or am I careless now?

It almost feels like... My old brain, the anxiety brain, is smushed behind a clear wall in my head. Like I can see the anxiety beast prowling, can press my hands against the glass, but can't get through. And like- good! Great! Have fun in there, let me be a well adjusted human who deals with stress by heeding the serenity prayer (Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference).

But, how do I say this... I have often wondered, What would I be like without anxiety? And I'm finding that having anxiety and being medicated for it is a totally different scenario than never having anxiety to begin with. And I'm not always sure how I feel about the medicated brain. Am I MORE me now, a me who is able to cope with stress? Or am I LESS me, unable to be my vigilant, forward-thinking, forever stressed self? If so, is that even a problem???

-Loss of focus and sleeping more

My medicine makes most people drowsy, so it's commonly taken at night. Unfortunately, it also gives ~10% of users insomnia, including me. If you missed it before, I didn't sleep for 3 days trying to take it at night. I take it in the AM now, so my sleep is fine, but I am drowsy all the time.

My hope is that this will either go away in 6 weeks, which is the allotted time I am supposed to give my brain to adjust before making any decisions about the medicine, or that I can switch to taking it at night and the insomnia will go away when I am used to the medicine. Because right now, I am struggling to focus and passing out on the sofa between 7-8:30 PM, when my normal bedtime is around 10.

My husband was surprised to hear this- he says I seemed more engaged and energetic. I think it's more that I no longer doom scroll, and I use my phone/the internet way less. I also don't get irritable, so that could make me seem less sleepy, maybe? Because I am definitely struggling with energy levels.

How I am spending my time

I haven't been writing at all, which is really weird for me. I can't focus on it. Instead, I've been going out more, trying to get into exercise again (that's just this last week), and reading a lot. I've basically swapped online time with reading books. Oh, I've also been journaling a ton and getting really into stationery/my pens/stickers and sticky notes and washi tape. I also sleep. A LOT. Like sometimes 12 hours a night. I, uh, I'm not into that. But I want to get out twice a week, and one of those times I want to be outside out. Like, not in a museum or cafe or whatever, but outside.

I just finished Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. I think I've had 3 people tell me they thought Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrel was similar to my writing style, so I've been meaning to check her out, and the cover of Piranesi appealed to my Greek/Roman mythology loving heart, lol! I enjoyed the book. I also got JS&MN from the library, but I wasn't expecting it to be such a dang tome, holy crap.

Anyway, I want to go for a walk, so I'm going to peace out. Thanks so much for reading this and caring about how I'm doing! I love you! Be well!