#this is me both for fun writing and for thesis writing rip

[roublardise]

1, 8 & 11 for the writer asks 🐈

THANK YOU 💕💖

this is about The Way Home which is my destiel fic that everyone should read imo

1- Start to finish, how long did it take to plan and write? Did you take breaks during the process?

I had pinpoint May 2nd 2021 as a starting date, as in when I wrote down the first notes about the story. and I posted the last chapter on ao3 on Feburary 26th 2024 so.... almost three years!! this is just like my master thesis except I'm actually more proud of this story somehow

I did take breaks, that's the main reason I write so slow. summer 2022 was the first break, I know I barely worked on it. and then it went through periods depending on my free time.. but basically everytime i was on days off/unemployed that's when the writing was going. let's bless my winter 2023-2024 unemployment era for getting the fic out there finally!!

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8- Did you cut something out of the outline or an early draft? What was it and why did you decide to cut it?

yeh.... i work with both outlines & drafts, and let me tell you there are times the first draft is smth else entirely 😭 chap 1 stayed pretty solid and just got polished with each draft, but chap 3-4 is nothing alike and well, chap 5 simply barely existed in the first draft as i knew it was gonna change. the ending would have be SO different it wasn't even worth getting into it in rough details

little break down of things that got cut:

most of what was cut is jokes & little scenes of Cas at Jody's... big rip ngl!!! i had notes of a whole thing of when Cas basically brought Meg into Jody's uninvited, like "here's my demon bestie :)" and Meg getting stuck at the doormat (in parallel to chap 4 wink wink).

again at Jody's: they used to play board games..... but it wasn't fitting with Cas's development anymore, and also didn't quite fit with the place I wanted the women to have in the story. Claire got a bit too close to the destiel drama when I wanted her OUT like what does she care she has daddy issues to work on!!! big disservice to every character involved so. they can play board games post-chap 5 :)

the side characters also lost a Meg/Claire (& Alex & Patience) convo in the car in chap 4 (a bi to lesbian communication with Meg mentioning Bela that was SO cute) but turned out they were both too in their own head for this to happen

destiel wise I don't think anything was cut, except a moment where Dean was sharing pictures of Amara in chap 3........ everything to me. you also had the awkward "ahah fuck there's my ex on this pic ignore that 👍" moment that i love. again, the characters weren't there yet so bye bye. we still got exes in that scene anyway <3

voilà!!! besides that it was details here and there, or well maybe i forgot smth major honestly sometimes i don't even remember which lines actually make the finale cut. there's a throwaway canon trans dean line somewhere i could NOT tell you 1/ if it's actually still there 2/ in what shape it would be i rewrote it like ten times

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11- What was the most challenging aspect of writing it?

bringing the plot home!!!! i am NOT used to write actual plot and tho it is a pretty simple one, well, there are dynamics at play to make it interesting that is not my usual thing. making it all click into place with a good ending when it's 55k was quite challenging, i've never written anything that long before!

i'm gonna cheat and say two things: getting the characters right and do them all justice. i wanted to have all three: cas is actually cas / get dean (that boy is self-aware!!) / women are respected 🙏

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this was quite long but i hope it was interesting!! i love talking about my fic so at least i had fun, thank you for the questions 💖💕

now eveyone stream THE WAY HOME, there's a little cardd with more info and little fun things 😊

[missspringthyme]

March 1st, 2024

Had another eeg session today, but this time we collected data from Greek girl. I did manage to get out of the first hour or so of recording because I needed to go ask the service desk for help with fixing my MATLAB. I'm missing 2 toolboxes that should've come with my university license and I can't do any processing without them unfortunately.

Today's fit included my little white boots that unfortunately both had the rubber ripped out of the heel. I like the shoes but I keep avoiding wearing them because they are so incredibly loud without the padding. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I'm not going to just throw out perfectly good boots. Anyway, because of that I kept walking on my tip toes a little to try and lessen the noise, but it was hard to find the line between walking funny and sounding funny. It did take me a while to find the service desk, but when I did I was told the guy there was on lunch break and would be back soon. The service desk is temporarily located in a library I didn't know existed in the building I had most of my tutorials last semester, which is not the main building with the main library. I took a seat at one of the tables and doodled to some music before the guy tapped me on the shoulder to ask what I needed.

I walked him through the problem and stood there for what seemed like ages while he clicked through my computer, eventually telling me he would have to put in a ticket to escalate it to the ultra IT guys. I had really been laying on the charm because I knew I looked good and sometimes it's fun to see people get dazzled, also it's nice seeing people walk away from interactions with you with a little glow about them. That was when another guy came and asked my IT guy why he was writing a ticket and insisted he could fix the problem. Second guy was absolutely flirting with me, which always feels nice. What was even nicer was when he started stepping over the line a little and talking to me in that special way where the concept of "pretty girl" makes you special, but a little less of a human. When he said "why do you need MATLAB anyway?" and I responded "oh, I'm studying neuropsychology its for brain imaging" he kinda blinked a little and some of the suaveness drained out of him. Sometimes I forget that when I dress super feminine people are nicer to me but expect less from me, and then I have an interaction like that.

Anyway, 2nd guy admitted defeat for the same reason as 1st guy and 1st guy went to work putting in the ticket for me. I made sure to be even more nice to him because he just had the other guy come in and try and show him up. He Aldo fixed the problem with my phone where it wasn't connecting to the University's wifi so hooray (even though I have a data plan, my phone company says I don't use my data enough in Germany to roam in the Netherlands, this means sometimes I get 2 seconds of very slow data before it stops all together. Unless I'm connected to wifi, I have no connection in the Netherlands.)!

When I got to the eeg lab my supervisor had me run through the rest of the experiment by myself while he watched from outside the sound proof cube on the camera. It took every ounce of my being to not fall asleep. I've decided I'll be coming to campus on Monday to attend the lab meeting in person and then stay the night at former Italian roommates to then go to my meeting on Tuesday. My supervisor told me to come to his office early on Monday if I wanted and I 100% am. That man is responsible for the entirety of the rest of my grades and I need him to like me. Plus some one on one face time could be good for figuring out my thesis.

Back home, I cooked and ate an entire veggie pizza before I joined the dnd game which was fine. I'm still trying to figure out my character a little.

That night, I had a bit of a freak out and spiraled about my future. I had this moment while I was washing my face at 1 in the morning where I just couldn't stop crying with all the soap on my face. I know this is coming from me not being occupied enough and also from being in my 20s but jesus.

Interesting day!

[grimsorchard]

my lame 2024 resolution

i'm a writer

i do a lot of other shit within "writing" (but we won't get into that lmao)

i graduated school in 2023 (two bachelor's degrees!! i am a burnt-out overachiever!!) and my job until i die is to... write. it's very comforting. i think i will work and write until i'm on my deathbed.

but during the final stretch of my thesis (and maybe before that) i struggled to find joy in this craft. i felt anxious. depressed. hopeless. it's been over six months. that feelings has only just started to go away.

so my 2024 resolution is to get back into fanfic (and fandom) on tumblr (and AO3, same username) to find joy in things i cannot and will not ever make money on.

money, publishing, agenting, managing, contracts, freelancing, and everything else that comes with this biz have been major stressors in my life. i found writing things i couldn't indie or trad publish started to feel like a waste of time. anything that wasn't going to pay my bills was this acid-like guilt that ate away at me until i was nothing but a husk of burnout

so in 2024 i am going to write for the joy of it. (probably anonymously, too) (but maybe that will change?) (idk, i think being a mystery is fun right now).

what am i gonna write??

great q!

idk. probably a lot of different things depending on what tv im consuming, books im reading or games i'm playing.

i'm really into ace attorney, baulders gate 3, and the # hero x villain tag right now so probably things falling into those tags right now.

anything else?

uhh i feel like it's important to also put in this into post that i go by she or they pronouns, and i'm both bisexual and asexual (probably the greysexual part of the ace spectrum).

that being said, homophobia, transphobia, and all forms of hate will not be tolerated on this blog. TERFS are not welcome and will be shoved out of this space (can't be nice to everyone unfortunately rip).

thanks everyone,

grim x

[nemainofthewater]

Halfway through and currently Shen Jiu is in the lead with 23.3%, followed by Shen Yuan with 21.4%, and then in third Lan Qiren with 18.2%.

Tag propaganda under the cut

Shen Jiu

#I’m gonna have to go with OG SJ#SY can be mean and bitter BUT- would he care about some random paper?#binghe isn’t in it so why should he go overboard?#as for LQR I feel like he may be a grump but cares about academic integrity#he may be mean but it’s coming from a place that cares#shen jiu does not give a FUCK he would LOVE ripping it to shreds just because by @bitterfrosts

#choosing between shen yuan and shen jiu is tough#shen jiu would be more of a poser and wouldn't be so openly hostile but he'd also do his utmost to find your weakness and hit it precisely#so maybe him#shen yuan would be openly trashtalking but wouldn't have the same presicion by @aceofthegreenajah

Lin Chen

#lin chen would bask in doing this#you just know it by @xiaojingyan-jingwang

Shen Yuan

#its got to be shen yuan#shen jiu would be an ass but shen yuan would be EXTRA extra#like super pedantic hyper critical writing an entire thesis about Why You Suck#also feel like lan qiren wouldn’t actually be that bad#like he’d nitpick but he’d maintain some level of fairness out of some sense of academic dignity by @unfortunatelycake

#I get why people are voting LQR since he's so strict but I think he'd at least try to be fair#meanwhile a bunch of those other characters are just gleeful assholes#anyway my vote goes to Shen Yuan by @octarina

Lan Qiren

#hmmm#both of the shens wouls surely be bad#but i think lan qiren would be the worst#i feel like he's inflexible but also like he might have a point half the time#which would make the mean comments even harder to shake off by @vergoftowels

Yan Wushi

#it's yws#because he'd be a gleeful dick#go for the throat#and also be completely right by @sadisticsparkle

#polls#people say lqr but the thing is he would be hard but fair#yws would just be an asshole and think it's fun and just keep being annoying after each review round by @dontbesoevil

#some of them would actually attempt to be fair#but then there’s Yan Wushi who would go out of his way just to be an asshole for the fun of it so he has my vote by @eghfeithrean

Other

#chu wanning#he'd be great in that yes the quality of the final product would be immeasurably improved#but the psychic damage to get there would obliterate me by @yuhengwanye <- you're so right, i cannot believe i forgot Chu Wanning

#dude#xiao jingyan or mei changsu by @guzhuangheaven

Reviewer 2 is the second academic to peer review a manuscript/academic journal article and they have a reputation of being incredibly mean and occasionally quite unfair

Write-ins, propaganda, and images are welcome!

[minaharkers]

OC TAG GAME ｡*･♡;

tagged by @aragorngf to categorize my ocs and make them in this picrew by crowsen!!  

♡ FAVORITE OC. (At the moment) 

Lukas Warren — Fallout: New Vegas

This was cruel to make me pick between all of my kids but I think Lukas at the moment is always kicking around my head — my sweet boy my poor little meow meow. I have so much in my head about his relationship with his family both the complicated horror story that is his family and his adopted ghoul mom Majorie and how much that really shaped his worldview <3

♡ NEWEST OC.

Caroline Clarke — Various

Cara my beloved!! She’s my OC for a post-apocalyptic RP group I’m in and I love her sm <3 She’s a hunter from West Virginia who’s still trying to getting used to living in a (somewhat) civilized part of Boston after living in the literal Appalachian woods for a solid three years with her brother. I’m excited to write with her more !! She’s a sweet person but is still sort of closed off after so much has happened 

♡ OLDEST OC.

Aerie — The Elder Scrolls V: Skryim

Aerie is definitely one of my oldest ocs!! Skyrim was really one of the first rpgs I played and honestly I feel like she’s both gone through so many iterations but also stayed pretty consistent!! We love a wild girlie who the universe had to make her a short nord to balance out the whole dragon soul thing

♡ MEANEST OC.

Ethan Warren — Fallout: New Vegas

Some people deal with their issues in all sorts of ways; Ethan decided to deal with it by razing his hometown to the ground <3 Having his father be burned instead of crucified like the Legion normally would to not give him the satisfaction of dying like jesus is understandable given what an awful person Richard Warren was, but joining the Legion and staying for years is a bad move maybe 🤔

♡ SOFTEST OC. 

Merethel Lavellan — Dragon Age: Inquisition

This was tough between Merethel and Ophelia but I think he’s someone who’s got a quiet compassion to him. The role of inquisitor does chafe on him a lot with him being more comfortable behind the scenes and being with people one on one as a healer. But I think people tend to underestimate how intelligent he is at first with his gentle nature, because he definitely learns how to play the “game” of politics in his own right by the time of Trespasser (even if he is very eager to get rid of the Inquisitor title).

♡ MOST ALOOF/STANDOFFISH OC. 

Endaryn Ravel — The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind

Even before he lost his place at the Arcane University in Cyrodiil after being booted to Morrowind because the Emperor Said So (rip 😔) , Endaryn is someone who just wants to be left alone to study!! And stuff KEEPS happening to him and he just wants to finish his thesis can he please stop getting weird dream messages from Dagoth Ur

♡ DUMBEST (AFFECTIONATE) OC. 

Leondas Vendicci — The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

It’s not that he’s dumb, he just lacks any and all self-preservation or self-respect! <3 Jk, but Leondas is definitely the guy who acts first and thinks about it later when he realizes the consequences. A fuck around and find out kind of guy, you might say. But yeah, definitely the type to run into Oblivion portals without much of a plan. But he’s MY favorite dumbass so it’s okay

♡ SMARTEST OC.

Ophelia Faye — Fallout: 3

WOMEN! IN! STEM! Ophelia’s definitely the most intelligent; (I did actually give her a 10 in her Intelligence SPECIAL score). But I would say it’s pretty much all like science and medicine based intellect, and she’s the most comfortable in a lab or med bay than out in the Wasteland.

♡ OC YOU’D LIKE TO BE FRIENDS WITH IRL.

Euurydia Daeron — Star Wars: The Old Republic

I have NO idea if Dia and I would actually hang out IRL but she’d be the most fun to hang out with. She’s the perfect extrovert to adopt an introvert like me and talk my ear off and convince me to try one drink and suddenly it’s 2 am and we’ve been cantina hopping in the Lower Promenade on Nar Shaddaa for hours

tagging: @statichvm @chuckhansen @denerims @indorilnerevarine @risingsh0t @leviiackrman @florbelles @unholymilf @fashionablyfyrdraaca

[dreamswap-crackhead-council]

Wait show me the dreamswap dream thesis

I'm going to split this into two parts, the first one being "so Kai is an unbiased party when it came to making Dreamswap" and the second being "oh yeah this is DS Dream's character", since I got two asks about this and I want to show both of my sides when it came to how I feel about this character.

If I get seemingly angry in this ask, know this isn't directed at you anon (hence why I answered this ask with Part One bc the other person isn't anonymous and I don't want any misunderstandings), I'm more angry at the whole fiasco about the inner workings of how DS Dream came to be.

I just want to give you a little hint about how I feel about Kai's interpretation of OG Dream, because that is VITAL information to know before I tear everything to pieces.

Part One: Kai's interpretation of OG Dream's characterization is like corporate meddling at EA games, but there's not even a fun game at the end.

If you read their starcrossed fic and had at least a CRUMB of what Dream's character is like in Dreamtale, or be like me who actually talks to Joku at times or have a friend who talks to Joku a lot more then I do, you understand just how terrible this fic is. I just want to grab it, rip it up, and then rewrite it all. I won't, because that's disrespectful as fuck, but I could just see how it could be improved.

But it is painful to read, and it's all so wrong.

Dream is not bitter about trivial things like that. Sorrowful that his brother - his actual brother, not this goop-monster that spreads negativity - is gone? Yes! Does he let his feelings get pent up because he doesn't want others to feel bad? Also yes! But being bitter about Cross saying pineapple was better on pizza, while comedic, breaks character more then Dream wanting to fuck Cross. (Since he's canonly demipanromantic and asexual, though I don't think he's sex repulsed, just uninterested and also uneducated bc. y'know. 400+ years in stone. Wanted to throw that out there btw)

But if you know what Dream's character is like, at least an OUNCE of what he is like canonly, this so-called "Starcrossed" is more painful then a white girl who never encountered real spice in her life eating Carolina reaper sauce. I am NOT exaggerating, that fic is likely as painful as that. I could go into the nitty gritty and the nitpicky on that fic, but that's not what we're here for.

Dreamswap Dream is Kai's version of what he thinks OG Dream "should" be, without taking any account of what OG Dream ACTUALLY is.

Because, y'know, asshole OG Dream is sooooo much better then what he's actually like. It's like skinny dipping into a mud bath, but instead of mud it's just shit.

OG Dream doesn't swear, he can't read or write for shit, he clearly would NEVER murder his brother, and he even went vegetarian because he thinks life is sacred and wouldn't even have an animal in his meal (though dairy/eggs/all that would be still on the table because that can be harvested without hurting the animal), and he would never touch Nightmare's side of the tree.

DS Dream does swear (though mostly in alarm/surprise), he can clearly read or write because how else would he do paperwork, you tell me if he wants to murder his brother, he kills people like it's break time because they "spread negativity" so you tell me if he thinks life is sacred and shouldn't be ended, and what do you think the apple incident in Dreamswap was all about when Dream ate all the positive apples.

However, I do know one thing: A swap is meant to swap characters, and while Dreamswap was meant to swap "roles", it also dabbles in changing personalities as well. So, while there is fair criticism that Dream in Dreamswap is nothing like in Dream in Dreamtale, I have to say this:

The reason that Dream is different is because of this IS a swap universe, even if creative liberties have been taken.

Is Error fine with others touching him and likes to donate his knitting to kids in need, or having others point out he's an error? Or is Swap a manipulative piece of shit that doesn't like being violent at all and also dislikes other Swaps? No?

Or is Ink someone who willingly works for Dream because he can and also doesn't have a hand or care in AUs being created, or is Cross someone who hates Dream's guts and would only join him under duress? No?

They are swapped with each other, but while I understand that OG Dream is handled pretty badly in terms of Kai (I mean, you know that Dreamswap was born from parodying Zelda and jumping on the "Joku is Bad" train, right? It won't ever be good as Dreamtale), and that the creator originally created Dreamswap to be somehow "infinitely better then Dreamtale" (no, it isn't, and I've loved Dreamswap since 2018, I'm just not a paint-huffing zombie like some of the fans here). I can understand why many fans of Dreamtale have a distaste for DS Dream - he's not the loving amazing muffin that OG Dream is, and I get that to hell and back

But also, it's still an AU at the end of the day, and while it's not a fully proper swap originally created from drama and for memes, none of the characters are going to fully be what they are in OG. If you want Ink and Error to still act like themselves, there's OG right there, and if you want Ink and Error to switch places, may I propose Pale and Template?

Part 2 will be in the second ask I got of this, 'cause I got two asks regarding this JUSFHSIURGHDG

[countessofbiscuit]

3, 4, 11, 14 for Second Sitting! A most entertaining fic.

Thank you for calling out that story! I'm chuffed you found the politics, winding debate, and dense characterisation as entertaining as I did when writing it :D It definitely absorbed my higher brain matter and tickled my fancy for facts, finery, and self-indulgent smut.

Second Sitting (Foxiyo, Gen to E, 2/2 Chapters)

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

Oh these questions are so difficult: so many lovely lines only work best in context, pulling on and pushing into other lines around them. But I do like these two -- one from each chapter -- in isolation:

Riyo Chuchi carried a cool, distant beauty, like a lofty iceblink or a rip in the clouds.

In brief, Riyo went slowly moonsick, conscious of the new space Fox had left inside her.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

Here I will cheat a little and offer my favorite exchange from the first chapter:

“About those ethical considerations …” “Yes?” “If that’s what this committee thing is about, mandatory fun is unethical,” Fox said wryly. Riyo’s tattoos curled on her playful cheeks. “You aren’t having fun?” “I am now. I won’t be when I have to organize protection for some some daft senator-clone fun run — or hells forbid, participate.” There it was again: that laugh like birdsong.

And a line of dialogue from chapter two:

Fox gave a small smile and something seemed to roll off him. “I don’t ever want a caf machine with a mind of its own, thanks.”

11: What do you like best about this fic?

It’s my manifesto, my thesis! Biscuit typified: an infodump, with shippiness to coax the swallow reflex. All my headcanons, preferred readings of character, and favorite prime cuts of canon cooked into a hearty stew.

In seriousness, I like the realism. Foxiyo is and is not a crack ship: canonically they never meet, but here's a situation so mundanely plausible, a discussion that is so grounded in political and social realities and brimming with backstory, that it seems insane to imagine Fox and Riyo not being mutually respected acquaintances, if not eventual lovers.

The chance to more strongly characterize Riyo by exploring Pantora's geopolitics and coloring its culture also delighted me. I like to think a reader comes out of this story with more context around her actions and behaviours in her (all-too) few onscreen appearances.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

How long do I have 😅

If I had to pick one takeaway, it's this: yes, Fox is a slave (in some intriguingly undefined form) to the system that Riyo has chosen a career of selfless service towards. But how does that influence their relationship? What does their positional authority, unique knowledge, and status within the state's security apparatus look like when they are sitting across from each other? When they are just two twenty-somethings sharing a warm breadbasket or secretly kissing their faces off? How often would societal expectations trump personal preference in their dealings with the other? It makes for a fascinating relationship, whether you ship it or not.

Second selfish takeaway is that Riyo deserves so much more time and respect as a character; to dismiss her as a privileged senator is lazy, and to villianize her as Fox's oppressor is simply ridiculous. I deliberately put Riyo in a likely situation where she has to explain herself to the very person she's wronged most, and that wasn't done to excuse her, but to demonstrate what a tricky position she was in; that she does have agency, both to make the wrong decisions and then choose to make better ones; and that it's how she conducts herself as a person and utilizes her relative power for good that defines her -- and makes her special in Fox's eyes :3

Thank you for the ask!! <3

Fic Questions

[marypsue]

Ahhh the body swap fic my beloved!! Every time you post a snippet I become squirrel storing a new acorn in my mental soils to be unearthed during times of leisure!! As a former weird high schooler I stand by the idea that everyone should have opinions(mean or even just “you’re not my flavor out of weird but I see you”) and also if you’re looking for a specific robin jonathan dynamic, one fic I’ve really enjoyed is “ the entire history of human desire” which is a fun take on Steve/Jonathan if Tommy had been taken instead of barb!! And has opinionated robin and Jonathan discussing music. But I digress, the body swap fic is also very exciting bc one thing that fascinates me about the trip is that all of them are very much trapped by their ideas of who the others are and the show never truly lets them work past those assumptions fully, despite the moments of life saving. Also I love that Steve’s first thought is damn head got hit again, RIP memory. that and the acknowledgment that Karen wheeler doss have a relationship with her mom!! But ahh what a fun Time

Hello hello and thank you! I really do hope to get this one done (eventually), and it's very encouraging to know that somebody's excited to see it once it does all get finished!

Former weird high schooler high five! That shit transcended grades and subculture groups, I'm telling you. And hilariously enough I have that very fic open in another tab right now! It's fantastically well-written, but it captures both the good and the bad of season one Steve so well that it's a bit difficult reading at times. I haven't got to Jonathan and Robin yet, but I'll look forward to that!

Also YES it's infuriating to me how the show is like 'your assumptions about people and the world can be wrong. This is our central thesis. Challenge your assumptions about what's popular and what's successful. Challenge your assumptions about the people around you. People have layers. Like onions. This is, I repeat, our central thesis' and then goes around like...not giving the characters the opportunity to actually do that in a meaningful and lasting way. Or telling the audience they were wrong to do that, but only when it comes to these particular guys, who we're supposed to like. Or -

Anyway. Tangent. The trio are absolutely trapped in a prison made of their assumptions about each other despite being forced to confront those very assumptions in literally every season, and it's driving me to write fanfiction about it.

(Also also I loved season one's Wheeler family, where it was very clear that they didn't know how to communicate with each other or reach each other but they all cared about each other very much, very deep down. That scene where Mike comes home thinking Will is dead and El's a liar and his mom instantly knows something's wrong and goes to hug him and he just latches onto her like a limpet? If your Wheeler family can't do that moment, despite whatever misunderstandings and annoyances are separating them, then they're not the Wheeler family, they're just a poor, shallow imitation.)

[grittyreadsfic]

hello my friends, one singular person asked for this weeks ago so i’m here with my most unhinged rec list yet: tk and nolan.

now, this one was hard to reign in, so i really didn’t. this pairing had maybe 230 fics in the tag when i first started reading hockey fic, and it’s now over 900, and i’ve read far too many of them, and that makes it so hard to parse it down. so i just...didn't!

so with that said, please enjoy so you want to get into tknp: a beginners guide to a classic case of idiots to lovers

i told myself that i couldn’t rec an author’s entire body of work but then i remembered this is my blog and i do what i want, so i did some consolidating. here’s a list of the quintessential authors for this pairing, you can start at any of their profiles and pick any of their fics at random, and it’ll be one of the best ones for the pairing, hands down.

therainbowsedge: i’d start with the summer camp fic, or the sex toys one, as both beautifully capture the true idiots to lovers nature of this pairing, but just top tier writing all around

manybumblebees: the wedding fic is so tender and port stanley is a classic, but literally pick any single fic and you’ll have a perfect tknp fic. i’m not kidding

jamesvanriemsdick: their tknp fics in their series are some of the hidden gems of this pairing (the tk heartbeat fic makes me LOSE it) but the delaware fic or the seattle fic…..there’s really something for every mood

catchascatchcan: start with era of gods because i could write literal essays on how it’s some of the best fantasy worldbuilding i’ve ever read, but then just read everything else on their account, including non tknp fics. you won’t regret it

hackysack: ao3 user hackysack has written one of two timeloop fics that i absolutely adore, and i thought about just calling that one out in particular, but all of their work deserves the attention

canary: nothing to prove was the first tknp fic i ever read and i was immediately hooked. all of their fics are a good starting place for the pairing, and just really give you a feeling for the pairing

and now, for the fic recs!

to be, despite it all by smudgedfreckles

summary: or, nolan patrick’s gender thesis, by travis konecny.

why i love it: there’s not a lot ofo nonbinary characters in media, even in fic, but this fic’s treatment of nolan and their path to figuring out their gender just feels so real and made me feel so seen. tk’s characterization is also just top notch, and it’s just a super sweet story about two people who love each other

last ones standing by makeit_takeit

summary: If you’re committed to finding your future spouse, reads the last line of the ad, and are ready to look at yourself and your love life in a whole new way, apply now.

At the bottom of the ad there’s a link, and Travis finds his finger hovering over the screen, lip still caught between his teeth.

“I mean,” he says very reasonably, speaking out loud to his empty apartment like some sort of possibly-crazy person, “just applying doesn’t mean anything. Maybe I just fill it out, and see what happens. It’s not like I’m really gonna get picked to be on TV, come on.”

He snorts out loud, just to show his apartment he hasn’t lost his grip on reality or anything; he fully understands how ludicrous that would be.

Then he clicks the link anyway, because yolo or whatever.

why i love it: what part of a married at first sight fic doesn’t make you want to immediately dive right in? the concept is fun, the execution is absolutely flawless, and it captures their dynamic so well while letting it develop naturally

motivation by connectknee

summary: Kevin knows when to back off, the article said. He knows just when to shut up and leave Patty alone, something Travis has never known how to do.

why i love it: the thing i love about this pairing is that tk is loud and in your face, and nolan’s more reserved, a little quieter, a little harder to read. this fic does a really great job of exploring how tk could feel like maybe he’s just a bit too much and is one of my favorites in terms of miscommunication

a tenderness grows by rusesdeguerre

summary: Nolan wouldn’t say that landing a job as the Philadelphia Flyers’ psychotic and probably clinically insane mascot was a childhood dream of his. Maybe tangentially: playing pond hockey in –30°C weather and pretending to be Sidney Crosby is practically a rite of passage when you grow up in Manitoba. That, and experiencing the distinct displeasure that is thousands of mosquitoes sucking your blood out when your father drags you on a father-son camping trip into the backwoods of the northern Canadian Prairies.

why i love it: this was the first fic i recced on this blog, and i stand by that decision. a fic where nolan is not only not a hockey player, but is in fact the person in the gritty suit? absolutely perfect, and so charming from start to finish

meet me at my window by springsteen

summary: Travis has lived in Philadelphia for a few years now, long enough to know there isn’t a major city in America where superheroes don’t destroy an entire city block trying to save humanity or whatever. He can deal with all the super-shit, but Travis did not sign up for getting woken up from a deep sleep because some fucker’s trying to break in through his window.

(5 times the super-villain known as "The Cat" breaks into Travis's apartment, plus 1 time Travis invites him in.)

why i love it: there’s a lot of things to love here, but the concept is just absolutely one of my all time favorite aus ever. it’s fun and charming and the perfect glimpse into a world where heroes and villains exist, and what it’s like just to be a run of the mill kind of guy existing in it. tk and nolan’s back and forth in this make it so engaging, and it’s such a top tier fic

body’s in trouble by cloudsandpassingevents

summary: “Oh, sorry,” someone says. “Didn’t know anyone else was here.”

Nolan freezes, then turns around very slowly. When he looks up, Nicklas fucking Backstrom is standing behind him in a hoodie and baggy sweats, holding the biggest bag of Swedish Fish Nolan’s ever seen in his life in one hand.

“Uh,” Nolan says around the pop tart between his teeth. “Yeah.”

What the fuck, his brain helpfully supplies.

why i love it: from nolan’s inner voice, to the way the author explores all the dynamics within the team, to the way they write the unexpected but actually, it kind of makes sense friendship between nolan and backstrom, is just absolutely fantastic. there’s a lot of moments that circle back and build on each other in a way that really just makes it super compelling

rhizomatic foundations by lighthousetowers

summary: Twenty days after he moves in with Kevin Hayes, twenty days – three months, five months, depending on how you look at it – after not talking to TK, TK shows up at the front door with a plant the size of a basketball in his hands.

TK grins. "Patty, meet Reginald." He lifts up the plant. "Reggie, meet Patty. He's going to be your new - caretaker."

"What the fuck," says Nolan, not moving a single muscle.

Or: That Nolan can hear the plant talk might as well just happen.

why i love it: this is probably my favorite magical realism fic just about ever. it’s fun and charming and a little weird, but in the best possible way. there’s such a wonderful narrative in it, and lighthousetowers always has such beautiful writing, and it really shines in this one. the dialogue and nolan’s characterization are also part of what set it apart for me as one of the best tknp fics

in the dark of any town by mengetpegged

summary: If the voice has an accent at all, it’s a flat prairie Canadian, with none of G’s French-Canadian softness at the edges. But mostly, the accent is just ‘pissed off,’ which TK believes is a default setting for ghosts.

“Who are you?” TK asks, and he doesn’t like how strained his voice sounds, doesn’t like the tinge of anxiety tinting the rise of his question. He tries to regulate his breaths—in through his nose, hold, out through his mouth—but it feels like he’s not getting enough oxygen, which makes him panic even more.

“Someone with a fucking migraine, dickhead,” the voice says. “So keep the lights off and shut the hell up.”

(or: Nolan Patrick, Hotel X Ghost)

why i love it: i’m usually not super into ghost fics, both the spooky kind and the nonspooky kind, but this one is a rare exception. it’s charming and fun and tender and it’s got some of, in my opinion, the best characterization of tk and nolan in any fic. the way the author writes their dynamic and their dialogue is just unmatched

lets_make_this_moment_a_crime.mp3 by honeydripping

summary: Travis meets Nolan at a Midtown show in 2002 when he punches Nolan in the face. He can’t help it, “Like A Movie” just goes off.

But he does feel guilty about it.

or

TK and Patty work at a bakery together. They go to punk shows to pass the time.

why i love it: idk if anyone asked for an early 2000s emo/punk/alt au but wow! i sure am glad it exists! really the vibes of this fic, as silly as that sounds, are absolutely unmatched. i love the structure with the music, the development of their relationship, and just everything about how the author wrote the setting (there’s this whole thing with tattoos in it that makes me feel absolutely insane)

you’re ripped at every edge by you’re a masterpiece by conformityissuicide

summary: “Ugh, look, this yoga teacher has it out for me, man. And I can’t go back there without at least having some of the basics down. I’ve got to win this battle.”

“Yoga isn’t really something you win at,” Hartsy starts.

Travis cuts him off, “You can win at anything if you try hard enough.”

+++

OR that time Nolan's a grumpy yoga teacher and Travis realizes he wants to bone him and prove him wrong about Travis' non-existent yoga abilities.

why i love it: listen, if you want tknp, at least one of them has to be an idiot, and this tk absolutely captures the obliviousness i love to see in him in fic. it’s such a great characterization of them both and such a great concept (and even better execution)

you form a terror pack (and i’m aware of that) by dalmatienne

summary: “Can I help you?” TK snarks, both eyebrows hiked up in a way that has earned her many elbow checks to the ribs.

The chick looks down her nose, long thick eyelashes fluttering. Red-bitten lips part to blow a florid pink bubble and TK can smell the chemical sweetness when it pops.

“Yeah,” she says in this monotonous voice that seems almost at odds with her bubble gum and neon skates. She jams her stopper into TK’s thigh again, literally inches away from where it’d really hurt. “Tie ‘em.”

why i love it: to be honest, i generally don’t read rule 63 within hrpf, but this one is just absolutely knocks it out of the park. the concept (i fuckin’ love roller derby), the characterization of nolan, the pacing, the rituals, the tone of the entire fic, it’s just all around a perfect read from start to finish

thrills and grills by bitter_leaf

summary: Travis can’t even begin to wonder what he did in a previous life to incur the wrath of this fucking cook. Travis thinks he’s a nice person, doesn’t conduct himself in any way that could be considered particularly dickish, and unless this guy has some sort of issue with hockey bros or people from the boonies, he’s not sure how he started shit without even knowing.

__

Patty has a vendetta. Travis just wants to eat his eggs in peace.

why i love it: honestly this is the enemies to lovers fic i’ve been waiting for. i remember seeing the reddit post when it first went viral and thinking it would make such a great fic premise, so stumbling across this one was just so wonderful. super engaging and fun and so hilarious to read!

nothing but room for you by fightingfuries

summary: When his agent tells him he’s going to be traded to the Devils, Nolan isn't sure how he feels about it. Might be easier if he was going somewhere farther away, like California or fucking Florida. Somewhere sun-soaked and foreign. Someplace so different from Philadelphia that he can forget he ever played for the Flyers, forget everything that happened there.

Or Nolan fucks up, gets traded, gets his shit together and falls in love. Not necessarily in that order.

why i love it: i cannot stress to you how much i love trade fics, and this one is one of my absolute favorites. the trade to the devils-so close to philly, still, but there’s more to distance than physical miles-was such an excellent choice and the split timeline adds so much to the narrative, and the emotions are real and messy and complicated in the best way

a couple of runaways (i’m glad you stayed) by overturnedgoal

summary: The person in the video he’s watching is super annoying. Some obnoxious holier than thou granola type who keeps talking about their environmental impact as if they aren’t driving a gas guzzler around, but the basic idea of living in a van, driving around wherever, camping all the time, just going hiking and swimming and seeing the whole country? It sounds pretty dope, honestly.

why i love it: i like to watch tours and conversions of vans/buses into tiny homes as a self soothing method, and this fic has the same impact that watching those do. it’s such a fun concept, and it’s so fuckin’ soft, and the dialouge between tk and nolan is just *chef’s kiss*

all candor and style in the crook of your smile by p3trichor

summary: It’s a photo of Nolan on his knees with someones’ fingers in his mouth, lips slick with spit. Travis flicks by it almost too fast and he’s only got seconds to decide if he wants to screenshot it, if he wants to just give up the ghost right then and there. Except Travis’s phone freezes momentarily and then the group refreshes, sidcros87, Bert59 and 14 others took a screenshot!

It’s gone before Travis even has time to process it and he already wasted his replay of the day on a stupid video of a stupid fish that Hayes caught.

Can you send me that screenshot Travis texts Bertuzzi before he can overthink it, his dick already stirring in his sweats. Tuzzi sends back the cry-laughing emoji and then the screenshot before Travis can be too annoyed at him.

Or, Nolan is being weird about Travis's break-up and TK is maybe not straight.

why i love it: i genuinely don’t think i have words for the amount i love this fic. it took me forever to actually read, but it’s absolutely one of my favorite fics, and it’s an absolutely riot to read. carter’s meddling and the presence of tyler bertuzzi both make it extra fun, in my humble opinion

[spockandawe]

So, now I'm one season of my way through clone wars, and it's... a really interesting experience. I rejected it as a teen, and I think I wouldn't have liked it very much as a teen. I think I would have appreciated more about it but still wouldn't have had a fun time with it shortly after college. But right now, I'm having a good time with it! I'm watching it as a social activity, which helps. And I think that I've successfully spoiled all the tragedies that would have been most upsetting to me, and already am up to my elbows in fixit fic and/or fic that explores the tragedy of the tragedy in a way I doubt this children's show is ever going to do.

Because right now, season one, deliberately not looking for any interviews or statements from the creators. My primary reaction is horror, and at least part of that reaction is that I can't tell whether the creators were aware they were writing a horror story.

I'm over here waiting for Kix and Jesse and Hardcase to show up in Torrent, and... nope. We met Fives and Echo (when the whole rest of their baby squad was massacred and/or eaten) but haven't seen them again. I'm sure this game will get less engaging as more recurring characters are allowed to recur, but right now I'm wondering if I should be keeping a tally of how many times Anakin brings a squad out and Rex is the sole clone survivor. We see some clone pilots in the 501st get named... moments before they're killed. twice.

(I'm not sure who slick and his squad belonged to, rex or cody, but uhhhhh slick made some valid points)

And it's not just the clones, it's the droids! The movie droids are hella soulless, which is partially a function of george lucas's overambitious love affair with cgi, but the show makes random droids into characters more often than it does random clones. It's positively eerie how often a droid will be given a moment of personality right before one of our heroes kills it without even blinking. In the lemur lurmen story, a droid was addressed by name. It was a four-digit number name, eerily close to something like, say, cc-5052, and when it was being used, the droid in question had already been killed. I gasped, and not in a bad way, to be clear! It was a lovely touch and hurted real good!

But I can't tell how much of this was intentional asdgsdfasgsdf

This is wild! I want to collect my thoughts for real at some point, but I won't have a chance for a little while, and i'm still not that deep into the show. but, like, godDAMN. I would have hated watching this as a teen. I still fully intend to write my essay on why luo binghe has primed me to appreciate anakin much more, which is still a thing, independent of the show. and I have a thesis percolating on how rex and wolffe are both commentary on the horrible futility of the lives the clones were born into, where wolffe's story is about authority and military power, and rex's story is about the strength of human connection, and how none of that is enough, not for either of them, and they have to watch as everything they've tried to build and protect is casually ripped away and destroyed. It's reductive to say that this is a show about despair and futility, but it's not wrong either.

[draconscious]

life update!

Hey hey, everybody--Dan here! It might be a bit obvious by now, but I’m going to be on low activity for a while (both on this blog and over at @gogogobarry​). Grad school has started up again, and the good news is that I’m almost done--this is my final semester of coursework, and I can’t wait to be free! The bad (or at least stressful, lol) news is that--on top of class--I have to start researching topics, outlining a draft, and gathering people for my Master’s thesis. I’m still working full-time as well, though I actually just got vaccinated so that brings me some major peace of mind. I didn’t expect all this busyness to hit me right off the rip, but here we are now...whew. Nature has also decided to dump a bunch of snow in my area lately, which makes it difficult to escape outside and frolic like I always do. 

I’m going winter camping over the weekend, and I’m hoping some time away from the computer will restore my energy and also give some of my muse back. Threads here are still my number-one priority (they’re all so fun to write!!) and I want to thank all my thread partners for being so patient with me as I try to find my balance in the coming months. Scrolling through the dash and seeing everyone’s creativity is always such a breath of fresh air. :)

For those who are currently schooling, working, or even just taking everything day by day--we got this!  

[smileyjaeminies]

Call me friend

Synopsis: Your relationship with Jisung is complicated to say the least. How long will you be able to put up with his mood swings and push and pull tactics?

Word Count: 4,1k

Genre: Angst, fxck boy! Jisung

Warnings: swearing, drinking, smoking

Member: Jisung, ft. some of Skz

A/N: When I started writing my Minho work, I knew it should be followed up with something about Jisung. I hope you enjoy the mess that is this fic, I surely did!

This work is based on Billie Eilish’s ‘when the party is over’, please listen while you read!

  What began as a slight drizzle, soon turned to a full on downpour. The rain struck harshly on the widows, providing another layer of background noise that blended with the soft sounds of music playing through your speakers. The song was one you were unfamiliar with, but you didn’t have time to think about it too much, all your thoughts surrounding the boy in front of you, the feeling of his arms around you and his tongue exploring your mouth.

  Lighting struck, making a noise too loud for you to dismiss. You jumped visibly, goosebumps standing up on your skin. You broke away from the kiss, raising your head to look out of the window.

  “What is it?” Jisung whispered.

  Your eyes skimmed the world outside, the wind making the trees dance and the rain making little puddles on the streets.

  “It’s nothing” you tried.

  Your voice failed you however and as lightning struck for a second time, you couldn’t repress a small squeal.

  “Y/N, are you scared of lightning?” Jisung asked you, rubbing your arm sweetly.

  You wanted to say no, hating looking vulnerable in front of other people, especially him. With one look at Jisung’s expression however, you knew he had already seen too much to be fooled. A soft nod did the trick, as Jisung graced you with a soft smile before hugging you close to his chest.

  “Do you want me to stay? We can just chill for a while until the storm blows off” he offered.

  “Okay… But we have to watch my ‘I’m having a bad day’ movie.” You tried to bargain.

  “Which is?” he asked curiously.

  “Miss Congeniality” you answered him.

  He grunted loudly, falling back on your bed. He didn’t bother to try to change your mind so soon after both of you were under your blankets watching the movie. You would jump here and there, but Jisung would always reach for your hand to console you.

  You thought you’d be too tense for it, but slowly you fell asleep on Jisung’s side. Waking up the next morning, you found yourself alone in your dorm room. You tried not to be disappointed, but your heart fell when you realized the space beside you was empty.

  He always did this. Always tip- toed against the edge of friendship and relationship. Always promised to stay, only to disappear once you fell asleep. Always went from hot to cold in a second, always managed to lure you back in.

  It had been a few months since the first night Jisung kissed you. You recall the small gasp you let out and how he used it as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. Since then, you had tried (and failed) to cut it off with him on numerous occasions.

  And yet… Jisung was like a drug to you. You knew he was so, so bad for you, but you couldn’t help sticking to him. So every time he knocked on your dorm door, or took your hand to lead you somewhere more private at a party, you let him. Because you couldn’t imagine a world where you’d say no to him, or at least, one where he would take it.

  As much as it tore you to pieces, this dynamic between you worked. And for every fight, Jisung would make it up to you with a wonderful evening for just you two. Even if he’d ignore you the next day in class. Even if he’d leave.

  You stayed in bed for a while, drifting in and out of sleep and cherishing Jisung’s lingering scent on your bed sheets. He smelled of pine wood, something about a body wash he used all the time. Suddenly, you remembered there was a party at Chan’s that night, a party you were expected to attend, to meet one of Jisung’s old childhood friends.

  You turned around on your bed to face the window. You wondered how Jisung would introduce you to this guy. Probably just a friend. A friend he frequently kissed and spent the night with. A friend he shared breakfast with and knew their order at McDonald’s. Just friendly stuff... Right?

  It was high time you headed to the library to get some work done. You got ready and walked the short way from your dorm to the campus’s coffee shop, to caffeine up and get to studying. On this Saturday morning, everyone seemed to be rushing to the library, and you couldn’t really blame them. With midterms coming up and deadlines soon approaching, everyone had their own load of work to get done.

  You chose a table near the window and set up your things. Opening the half-done word document, you let out a long sigh. This assignment was due soon, but you simply hated working on it. It was partly the reason you had texted Jisung the previous night, you needed a breather. Usually, he would be the one to reach out for whatever crappy excuse, only to come to your dorm and steal away moments of comfort.

  You shook your head, trying to shake away your thoughts as well. You did your best to concentrate and get at least some work done. After a few hours of furiously writing down information, writing and re-writing your thesis, you could safely say your mind was turning into mush.

  Running a hand through your hair, you let out a sigh before getting back to work. As you tried to word your argument better, you felt a soft touch on your shoulder, and someone pressing a kiss on your cheek. You jumped and were about to snap, when Jisung plopped down on the chair next to you, giving you his signature gummy smile.

  Your anger evaporated immediately, as you smiled back at him.

  “Hi, gorgeous” he greeted you.

  “Thanks for the heart attack” you whispered back.

  “You looked so cute, I just couldn’t help myself” he answered, resting his head on his hand.

  And there it was. By doing the bare minimum, he had you wrapped around his finger. And the worst part was, you didn’t even mind.

  You faked being angry, looking away from him and back to your work. He stared at you for a few moments before he spoke up.

  “What time should I pick you up tonight?”

  That was a first. For the longest time, you would arrive separately at parties, despite leaving together each time. You tried to mask your excitement when you answered him.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Just tell me when to get ready.”

  “Does 10 o’clock sound good?” he asked.

  “Sure” you told him, nodding your head but not looking at him.

  “Can I get a kiss?” he whispered, inching closer to you.

  “Nope.” You teased, not tearing your eyes from your books and notes.

  “Y/N” he warned, his voice getting deeper.

  “Hm?” you asked, feigned ignorance.

  And you broke him. He grabbed your face, turning you to face him before connecting your lips. You drew away quickly, as your cheeks heated up. His cocky smile only made your cheeks burn brighter, as you kicked him under the table, murmuring a “Shut up”.

  He got up, holding his aching shin, to place a small kiss on your head.

  “Can you wear that red dress that I like?” he asked.

  “I don’t know… Can I?” you pushed him further.

  He shot you a stern look as he walked away. Tonight was going to be fun, you decided.

------------------------------------------------

  A few minutes before ten, you found yourself sitting in front of the mirror, placing a few extra curls into your hair. You were wearing the red dress Jisung asked for, with a set red lipstick and black heels. As you were giving your hair one last look, your heard a knock on your door.

  Standing up to answer it, you weren’t surprised to find Jisung waiting on the other side. He was wearing all black, finishing off his ripped jeans and t-shirt with a black leather jacket.

  “Bad boy much?” you asked him, moving inside to grab some necessary items to put in your purse.

  “Fuck you.” He told you and you smiled at yourself.

  “Not quite yet.” You told him, pushing him out of the door.

  You made your way to Jisung’s familiar car that was parked in front of your building. You drove off to Chan’s place as a random radio station filled the silence in the car. You were humming to the song when you felt Jisung rest his hand on your thigh, which you brushed off as something he did now and again.

  However, when his hand started moving, pushing your dress further up your thigh, you knew you had to intervene. Placing your hand on top of his, you moved it on the center console, dropping it on there. You gave his hand a little pat when you saw it gripping the stick.

  “Behave” you simply told Jisung, who did nothing to acknowledge your words.

  Shortly after, you were parking the car on Chan’s already busy street. The faint sound of music got louder as you walked towards the house with Jisung next to you. Of course he wasn’t holding your hand or anything, simply walking beside you.

  You were about to walk up to the house when Jisung pulled you back. You looked at him, expecting him to say something, but he stayed silent, merely looking at you.

  “What?” you asked him.

  Again, he took a few moments to look at you before speaking up.

  “Nothing. You look pretty” he said simply, holding your hand and leading you inside the house.

  You tried not to think about your entwined hands as you walked in, already faced with a crowd of people dancing, drinking and smoking. You navigated through the well-known house, with Jisung dropping nods and hello’s here and there. You stopped at the kitchen first, where you fixed yourself a drink while Jisung talked to a friend of his.

  You tried to walk to the living room to find Chan, but yet again, Jisung stopped you.

  “Tonight, you stick with me” he whispered in your ear and you tried to suppress the shiver that ran down your spine.

  He didn’t bother to introduce you to the person he was talking to, only kept you close by holding your waist as you mulled over his words. He didn’t give you enough time though, so you were completely taken aback when he started lightly pushing you to the living room.

  You tried to keep your head straight as you walked in the room, finally finding some familiar faces there. You wiggled out of Jisung grasp to fall into Chan’s arms, thankful to finally be with someone on your side.

  Chan was your connective link with Jisung. You were proud to say he had been your friend first, as he used to live on the floor just above you in the dorms. Through mutual runs to the campus’s coffee shop and running different errands around campus, a friendship blossomed between you, one you maintained even after Chan decided to join a fraternity in his second year.

  He was partly the reason you met Jisung too, although you never held it against him. He was a good friend and always gave you honest advice. He urged you to cut things off with Jisung on numerous occasions, but your reply was always the same.

  “He won’t let me go”

  “Oh, finally” you said, squeezing your friend in your arms.

  “What took you so long?” Chan asked.

  “He won’t let me go. He’s being so weird today, I don’t know what’s wrong with him” you answered.

  Chan shot a quizzical look to Jisung over your shoulder before greeting him warmly. Changbin, one of Jisung’s best friends and also part of the fraternity, greeted you with a curt nod, which you returned.

  The party went on as you danced and drank, Jisung drilling holes into your skull every time you walked two feet away from him. At some point, you were tucked in a corner with a friend of yours, Courtney, when Jisung emerged from the kitchen, bee lining straight to you.

  “He’s here” he told you, forcefully taking your hand and dragging you to the door.

  A boy emerged, who you recognized from pictures as Minho, Jisung’s childhood friend. He was strikingly handsome, his jet black hair now pushed back away from his forehead, complimenting his fair skin. He looked put together, adorning a sky blue button down with black jeans.

  You didn’t fail to note how his eyes shined when they fell upon Jisung, or how warmly the two boys hugged. After exchanging a few words between themselves, they simultaneously turned to look at you.

  “This is my friend, Y/N” Jisung introduced you, grabbing your waist and pulling you closer to him.

  At the sound of the word ‘friend’ you turned to look at Jisung. You wanted to scoff at him, after all the things he’d pulled today, ‘friend’ was how he introduced you. You remembered your promise to be nice when you met his friend, so you plastered a fake smile on your face and gave him your sweetest look.

  “It’s wonderful to meet you! Jisung talks a lot about you!” you told him.

  “I hope he hasn’t told you all the embarrassing things I’ve ever done. I think he keeps a list” Minho said jokingly.

  “I sure do! It’s alphabetized.” Jisung played along.

  And so Minho was led further into the room and introduced to a couple of other friends, before the both of them took a seat on the couch. You had just returned to Courtney’s side, when you felt someone staring at you. You glanced around the room, only to make eye contact with Jisung.

  He was doing nothing to be discreet, staring at you over Minho’s shoulder as if it was the most normal thing in the world. You stared back at him just as openly, keeping up your conversation.

  When he motioned you to go over to him, you slightly shook your head. You excused yourself for a refill and walked in the kitchen.

  “Jesus!” you screamed over the loud music.

  In the middle of the kitchen stood Changbin, face sucking a girl you didn’t know. They broke apart to look over at you, not bothering with a ‘Sorry’.

  “Get a fucking room. The kitchen is public space” you said, grabbing a Smirnoff bottle.

  “Fuck you.” Changbin said.

  “Why would I? She already is” you told him, pointing at the other girl and walking out.

  “What’s your fucking problem?” Changbin asked, following you.

  You pretended not to hear as you walked back in the living room. Changbin grabbed your hand, spinning you around to face him.

  “I asked you a question” he said, pulling you close to him.

  His breath smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, but then again, yours probably did too. You were about to answer him, probably break his tiny arm in the process, when Jisung stepped in.

  He pulled his friend away, pushing him in a corner where they struck up a heated conversation.

  “Is everything okay?” a voice asked behind you.

  You turned around to find Minho looking at you curiously. You shook your head, suddenly completely overwhelmed. The blasting music and bright lights weren’t helping your case, so you moved outside without a word.

  You took your seat on the front lawn, moving your head to look at the sky. You soon regretted that decision, your head throbbing in dismay. You let out a whine, shutting your eyes closed.

  When your head stopped spinning and your eyes came back in focus, you realized that someone had sat down next to you. You were surprised to find Minho next to you, head looking up.

  An awkward silence set between you as you couldn’t think of anything to say. You took your chance to get some clean air, maybe too much as the wind came in contact with your skin, making you shudder.

  “Are you cold?” he asked softly.

  “A little” you replied with the same tone.

  “Do you want to go back inside?” he asked again.

  You didn’t need to think, only shaking your head no. He looked at you with almost a sad look on his face, softly cocking his head on one side.

  “I only just got here… I wish we’d had a chance to talk more” he said.

  You didn’t know how to answer him, so you just didn’t. Opening the Uber app, you tried to call for one.

  “You’re getting an Uber? Don’t you have a ride?” he asked you.

  “I don’t think my ride wants to talk to me right now” you said.

  The Uber was going to be there in seven minutes. You announced the new piece of information to Minho who simply nodded his head.

  “Y/N, can I tell you something?” he asked.

  You were getting tired of his constant questions, but you didn’t want to be rude. You nodded your head, turning to properly look at him.

  “I think you’re really beautiful. From what I’ve gathered from Jisung, you’re not seeing anyone right now, so I thought that maybe I could get your number? Maybe we could go out some time, get to know each other better.” He said.

  The world started spinning again. It must have been some kind of sick joke. Or maybe a test? You ran a hand through your hair, before turning around…

  Only to find Jisung looking straight at you.

  His eyes were burning with anger, his fists clenched on his sides. He looked from you to Minho, waiting for someone to speak up. At the end, he did.

  “So? What are you gonna do? Go on a little date to get to know Prince Minho over there?” he mocked you.

  “Maybe I will. Since I’m not seeing anyone right now.” You answered, confronting him on his lie, Minho’s presence long forgotten.

  “Isn’t that so?” Jisung asked, jumping down from the porch and walking up to you.

  “Hey, aren’t you happy that your two friends are getting along?” you asked, almost slapping the word friend on his face.

  “Fuck, I knew you were a whore, but I never thought you were this bad” he spat out.

  You would have liked it better if he slapped you. You raised your hand to strike him, but Minho held you back. You shot him an incredulous look, twisting away from his hold.

  “That’s enough, both of you” he said sternly.

  “What do you know about it?” you asked him, giving him a hard shove.

  Your emotions were overflowing from you, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. Your hands were shaking with anger, your knees weak. The phone in your hand buzzed, announcing the arrival of your Uber who honked to get your attention.

  Jisung came up to you, your faces almost touching. You took a sharp breath at the close proximity, immediately cursing your body for the way it reacted to him.

  “You’re mine. You and I both know it. So don’t fucking test me.” He warned.

  “Fuck that. I’m mine. I’ve had enough of your shit, go find another rag doll to do whatever you please with. Don’t you dare came crawling back to me again. If I see you in front of me, I will end you”” You spat back at him.

  He was taken aback, almost falling when you pushed him away from you. His anger was short-lived however, now regarding you curiously, seemingly not realizing what you were saying to him. You turned to leave, but decided you had one last thing to say. You met his eyes, your voice sure when you said,

    “I told you once that I thought I didn’t have it in me to hate someone. But I hate you. I hate you so much” you told him, a sob choking you.

  He made one step closer to you as you took a step back. Your Uber honked once again and finally you turned around, walking in the car.

  “Please drive” you told the woman seating behind the wheel.

  You saw Jisung running up to the car as you drove off, but you weren’t moved.

  “Is everything alright darling?” she asked you.

  Tears were now streaming down your face, probably ruining your make up.

  “Not really. But I’ll live” you answered her, your voice breaking.

  “It’s going to be okay girl, I believe in you” she told you.

  “Tonight was supposed to be fun” you thought to yourself.

  You whispered a thank you to her and stayed silent for the rest of the short ride. Finally safe and sound in your dorm room, your phone started ringing, Jisung’s name dominating the screen. You declined his call, turning off your phone completely.

  Your head felt heavy, so without bothering with your make up, you slipped in your most fuzzy pajamas and inside your covers. Exhausted from the ups and downs of the day, you turned your brain off, falling asleep almost immediately.

------------------------------------------------------------------- 

  You were woken up from a loud knock on your door. You knew who it was, so you just shuffled deeper inside your comforter, hoping to brush him off. He was persistent, you’d give him that, knocking for almost fifteen minutes. He would call out for you again and again, pleading you to answer the door.

  All of it fell on deaf ears. And as your silence only grew, his desperation did as well. He started screaming, threatening that he was going to break down the door. He then proceeded to call you every name in the book, so loud security came to take him away.

  You spent the rest of the night alternating between crying and staring blankly at your ceiling. You must’ve drifted off without realizing, for you managed to peel your eyes open sometime the next day. You made yourself get off the bed and into the bathroom. The hot water cleared your head as much as your body and as you walked out of the shower, you had your game plan laid in front of you.

  You forced down some of yesterday’s leftovers, before burying yourself back in your bed. You tried with all your might to compose yourself and decided it was time to open your phone.

  The second it was on, a flood of messages poured in. You read of 110 missed calls from Jisung, with about 30 voicemails. A complicated array of texts was also to be found, a good portion of them from Jisung and also some from Chan.

  Taking a deep breath, you opened Jisung’s messages. You didn’t bother reading them, only started writing your own message to him.

  Jisung,

  You finally broke me, didn’t you? You managed to make me snap. I will not apologize for last night.

  The truth is, this is my last goodbye to you. I had a realization last night. That is one simple fact: You won’t be able to hurt me if I don’t let you. And I’ve let you hurt me for far too long.

  Starting tomorrow, I won’t be using this number anymore. I’ll start afresh and I’m leaving you behind. I’m going to switch dorms too and I’ll be staying over at some friend’s until that happens, so don’t bother to come over again. I know you know my timetable, but don’t make a fool out of both you and me in front of our professors. Security usually isn’t too far away and I’d hate for someone to haul you out of your own uni.

  I’m sorry I spent so much time on you. I’m sorry to me. I should’ve known better. But oh well.

  Jisung, I hope one day you come to know how good I was to you. And consequently how bad you were to me. Perhaps after this you’ll grow a pair, perhaps not. Surely I won’t be there to find out

  Bye now.

  PS: Don’t bother Chan to help you find me. He won’t.

    Not even bothering to read it through, you sent the text. It was read immediately. You even had time to see the three little dots pop up before blocking his number. You switched off your phone again for good measure, dropping it under your bed.

  The plan was in action. Step one was done. Steps two through four would be left for tomorrow. Step five would be the hardest one. But with enough time, you’d be able to let him go.

[retrorealeyes]

Here’s why I want my parents dead /hj

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like I know hating your parents if they aren’t overtly abusive (and even if they are it’s only mildly) like bruh, tempted to list out my parents “abuse” here. also like bruh, i’m fine rn, i’ve just been hating them for a while

This isn’t fully everything ever, it’s just an overview and I don’t think it touches the main problems enough (also I don’t give a lot of examples because there’s too many and I don’t have the will to write em all,and i’ve still overviewing everything)

-never respect my wishes if it goes against theirs (e.x. please leave me alone, can i go outside?, can I leave and go upstairs?)

             this is a big one

-don’t respect my privacy (in weird ways too, like my dad opening the door to scare me when i’m changing) and making fun of it too

          plus in normal ways like reading my journals or never knocking no matter how many times i tell them to

-making fun of me on purpose to get me upset, even when i ask them to stop

-getting suddenly and violently angry (dad):

           often unreasonably and quickly

          my dad curses people out under his breath, as a sign he’s going to get violent

          has broken things, SUCH AS MY WHOLE ASS PHONE by throwing it on the ground does punch things, generally not people, e.x. walls, but not that hard. he has punched me

          DOES to people- slap, push (this one especially, just last week he did), throw, scratch

          is destructive to other’s property (e.x. ripping up THEIR papers)

          refuses to listen to suggestions like, in the future, trying to calm down, or writing out his anger instead or seeking therapy

          been like this towards me since i was 6-7 years old

          it can escalate from anything

          will degrade you and insult you, if you ever say anything back (even in a non-angry situation, will grow even angrier/get very angry)

          makes you feel awful

          can last for hours and never accomplishes anything apart from further degrading yourself

          if you don’t give the exact answer he wants, will get even angrier

             I’m obviously terrified of him

               Swears at me, except they censor me so much they could probably kill me if I ever swore so that exacerbates the fear of it

          after the fact continuosly denies it

-my dad also:

           always demands respect

          always plays the victim and complains about how we dislike him

          never admits his mistakes

          is awful to my little sister, randomly, even when she’s being perfectly fine

-my mother and father’s relationship

             they openly and mean to each other. they never display affection and joke about divorcing

             sometimes dad yells at mom for a while, it’s obvious he thinks he’s superior to her and belittles her intelligence

             they are sometimes violent, but not often, and not overtly, more violent towards objects than each other when fighting with each other

             they do get in fights often (see: my dad’s belief in his superiority)

-openess with them

             there is none. they constantly criticize any self expression, make all subjects taboo, get angry over nothing and overall make me terrified of talking to them, then get all sad about “why don’t you tell us“ but if I try to express anything, even if they don’t get angry, they’ll store it in their heads and then later keep using it against me. “You said we were bad parents, do you not want to eat our food?“ “You said you were unmotivated, you don’t even have a reason to be sad.“ (said in an challenging, mean way)

-my self esteem

-my dad, physically (TO BE CLEAR I don’t think my dad in any way in trying to do anything sexual, i’m just saying he never respects my boundaries and here are some things he thinks are “perfectly fine” that he does, also this might be a bit disconnected sounding, i’m just so tired

          commenting on my weight/appearance (mom too)

             commenting on what i’m wearing, especially teasing me if it’s something out of the usual, as if i’m not insecure enough already

             dictating what i wear if they don’t like what i’m wearing

             commenting (negatively) on my mom’s weight a lot (to be fair, they both joke about being old and him balding and a little about him being fat so this one isn’t as bad apart form the fact that i’m skinnier so he “jokes” a lot about how i’m like a skinnier version of her)

                fatso called the girl in the video

             forces me to hug and kiss him, often only giving my phone back or treats luke donuts if I kiss him, even if I’ve expressed i’m uncomfortable (just does this a lot and i hate it)

-the past

             have yelled for me for no reason since i was young

             i don’t remember ever liking my dad (wait, before 6 years of age i remember liking him and before I was 9 i remember not hating him at all times)

             i continously try to trust them again, then they break me

               they were never open with me and taught me to be ashamed of myself which led to bad social relations later, which i’m only now breaking out of

-confiscation and lack of trust

               always taking my stuff so i can’t rely on what they’ll black mail me with, no “excuse” is valid to keep it (ex. I want to communicate w/friends or I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA AND CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC); during my worst days, when I was really suicidal i remember not having my phone for a long time which led to me being left behind and further isolating myself which, y’know spiralled

               I can go on and on about how they never value my voice but i’m sort of running out of steam

               they also never trust my statements, always cast me as the cause-r of something (luckily they’re fair and don’t punish me for it if I insist I didn’t do it, but the fact i have to really advocate for my innocence and am constantly suspected just is not great, and even jokingly, i hate attention, their attention)

                 There’s more but i think i’m done for now

-constantly bother me (i know this is nitpicking, i’m just trying to get everything out, and some of these have more layers than i’m willing to express)

               intentionally sabotaging

               even if i ask them to go away

               try to annoy me when ever i see them, even if i’ve asked them not too, and really make me avoid everything even more (you have to go through where they usually are to get out and that means y’know what)

               singing

               yelling and stepping loudly (which makes me scared my dad is mad all the time)

               always teasing and judging

-mother dearest

               very aggressive

               VERY controlling

               generally boring

               always invades privacy, more of a nosy person, but, in a way, better than dad

               she can get violent too and screams but it’s less often but can get very intense sometimes, generally it’s more of taking away my stuff and telling me to give up (which, the telling me to give up, my dad does too)

-lack of independence

                THIS ONE IS HUGE. my parents are very controlling and so even a little freedom excites me and they use my lack of experience as a sword against me, and that makes it eve harder for me to do anything when I’m constantly fighting restrictions and my brains can’t distinguish bad restrictions from schoolwork restrictions

-shitty world view

               just a bad biased view of the world, i really don’t want to elaborate, beyond the general sense they deserve to be respected for being parents a conservative-type view, also don’t have basic sense of morality, as in sympathy, for everyone, and instead do the whole us|them thing with their politics, the only problem is that we’re immigrants which is why they vote democrat

-grandparents

                 are visiting, they are also unhygienic, to always be obeyed, generally judgemental, and intentionally old, and taking up both of my rooms, overall i don’t like any of them, my father’s mom is alright though

-generally shaming me

And otherwise everything is generally going to shit, my social life (though I saved it somewhat for ONE person), my mental/emotional health, my exercise, motivation for anything, just the way the house is set up, my grandparents are here, how i’m doing in school.

I should write the thesis and really flesh this out well but I’ll tell you what: ultimately my parents are selfish people who don’t consider me my own entity but more as themselves and my achievements combined. ANd even if you love me, which I don’t doubt, I don’t have to love you back, and that doesn’t excuse your shittiness, dad. I fucking hate you. (yes. i’m grateful for the money, house, generally not obviously abusive childhood, food, stuff, bed, phone, etc. you have provided, but that doesn’t cancel out your misdeeds, it just coexists next to it)

Like is it SO bad for me to blame SOME of my issues with them? BUT NO if I ever bring up how they did x so i did y. I did y ON PURPOSE to UPSET THEM and i can’t hold them accountable, i’m just blaming them, even if I’m genuinely trying to explain my issues the way I understand them.

idr if you can edit tumblr documents, and even if you can, i’m not going to, i’ll just add to this with comments, to preserve the integrity, not that anyone will or should read this, but i’ll probably come back to it

[shiavanzin]

💀  * [ timothee chalamet + cis male + he/him ] —— have you met zigmund ‘shia’ ivan vanzin? they are a twenty  year old junior currently studying political science. they live on decker house, and word around campus is that this gemini is witty + charming, as well as manipulative + self destructive. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. snorting lines off a priceless mirror, writing ancient runes in cigarette ash, the thrill of victory that accompanies a low ‘checkmate’. 

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever, in my life so this is very on brand for me! that said, i am very excited to be here. shia is one of my favourite muses but because of his background it’s kind of hard for me to find places to play him, so i really jumped at the chance to be a part of this rp. that said, he is heathen so sdkjdsjk you’ve been warned, i suppose.

ABOUT THE MUN. fuck this *unfocuses my eyes*

fun fact about me, i’ve been working every day for the last ten days so i love that for me dkjdkj which is literally why me getting myself here was so chaotic honestly but i’m here i made it and we love to see it. honestly i am just a humble fergie enthusiast (patiently waiting for my girl to come back from her hiatus. any day now). i would die for a good aesthetic like pinterest owns my ass. i am big fan of the bachelor and specifically demi from the bachelor (demi from the bachelor if you are reading this i would like to hang out with you friday when i am free. please contact me if you’re able to hang out (on friday when i am free)). i am a huge superhero nerd. the first fanfic i ever wrote was a teen titans/danny phantom crossover and honestly? most ambitious crossover of all time, sorry endgame. i’ve never seen star wars or lord of the rings, and i’m okay with that. oh, and funnily enough i have never played chess which is about to be very ironic and i think that’s the perfect transition into shia’s bio.

BIO. child abuse tw, addiction tw, drug tw, and i think that’s it rip. 

(tldr literally just click the link in the second bullet point for a summary because that’s how shia grew up, with psychologist parents determined to make him a prodigy. he is technically a prodigy now as the youngest grandmaster in history. his family is weird and fucked up and cold blah blah blah takes a lot of drugs, drinks a lot of alcohol to cope with his messed up childhood blah blah blah went to boarding school for high school. oh, and there’s a meme of him. and that’s pretty much it.)

okay first of all here is shia’s pinterest board and here is his playlist, which is honestly just??? really messy and just filled with songs that remind me of him (like it doesn’t flow at all i’m pretty sure yk) so! yeah!

second of all, shia’s backstory is thoroughly inspired by a true story. like I legitimately found this (look at the early life portion to see what i’m talking about if you want but i’m about to explain it all below anyways) and was like !!!???? so yes, that’s how this mess was born (although i highkey think that gerard way got inspo from that family for the umbrella academy like??? that’s my little conspiracy theory. WHERE ARE THEIR ROYALTIES GERARD!)

Shia doesn’t remember life before he was adopted. Before he was Zigmund Ivan Vanzin, the fourth child of the carefully selected Vanzin 6. Honestly he’s not quite sure his life prior is of much importance, because things didn’t truly get crazy until after he was officially taken in by the Vanzin family at the tender age of two.

Shia and his five siblings were all part of an educational experiment carried out by their parents, Moira and Yakov Vanzin, in an attempt to prove that children could be trained to be prodigies if immersed in a specialist subject from a very early age. ‘Geniuses are made, not born’, was the tagline of their parents thesis, and the foundation on which Shia and his siblings’ entire childhood was based on. They would all be molded into prodigies, and they would be living, breathing proof of their parents achievements.

Because of the magnitude of their experiment, and Shia’s parents reputation (both of Shia’s parents was a very famous educational psychologists in their own right, and due to their fame, their experiment and their children were covered in magazines and newspapers worldwide. To this day a quick google search will lead you pictures of the Vanzin 6 growing up slowly on the covers of publications such as Times Magazine, Forbes, People, and of course a myriad of academic magazines as well.) they received heavy criticism at the time from some western media for ‘depriving the siblings of a normal childhood.’ But since all of the Vanzin children were born and raised in Russia, that criticism didn’t do much in the way of stopping them. Shia’s parents coolly ignored it all. They wanted to leave a mark. To change the future. And they both truly believed that their research would do that. They believed their work would completely revolutionize the way that children were educated, and that therefore, they would revolutionize the future.

And so the children were affectionately dubbed The Vanzin 6 by the media that wasn’t completely against the experiment. A cute little nickname smacked on what would normally be considered a child endangerment lawsuit. Sure, there were still those that protested, but their cries were quiet in comparison to the roars of the intrigued, of the curious, of the fans, because of course there were fans. So it goes without saying that Shia’s first photo op was when he was still in diapers. He smiled cheekily through the whole thing, in striking contrast to his siblings all staring empty eyed into the camera. Their lives were pretty much put on constant display from that point on, and honestly, at least in terms of Shia’s approach to photo ops, not much has changed on that front.

Shia’s parents educated their six children at home, each with their own specific subject to focus on. From the age of four, Shia, or Zigmund, as his birth certificate so lovingly displayed, (it should be noted that Moira and Yakov named all of their children after psychologists, and that Shia was simply unlucky enough to get Freud. So perhaps lovingly wasn’t the right word.) showed a talent for chess, and therefore that talent was ‘nurtured’. In other words, Shia was only allowed to live and breathe chess from the cursed day his chubby little fingers picked up a chess piece to, presumably, the day he died. If he wasn’t eating, sleeping, or doing his school work, Shia was playing chess. First he played against his father, and mother, and siblings and when that stopped posing a challenge, he got involved in official competitions. Those were somehow even less of a challenge, but granted, his siblings were being trained into geniuses. At first he played children his age, and then slightly older, and then much older, which Shia will admit, was the most fun. Even as a child there was just something about seeing a grown man go red in the face with frustration as he lost to a child. Something amusing. Something powerful. Admittedly, chess got old. But that specific red faced look never did.

Shia rose up the ranks slowly and steadily from then on, already creating quite a stir in the world of chess by the age of six. And considering this was what they wanted, you would think his parents would be proud. Thrilled even. However that was not completely the case.

For as long as Shia can remember his relationship with his parents had been more ‘professional’ than affectionate. To start, he and his siblings all called them both by their first names. Considering he was adopted, Shia would never know what his first word was, that memory was lost to him and kept only by the parents who didn’t want him enough to keep him in the first place. But even if he was born to Moira and Yakov, if the two were his flesh and blood, he knows with absolute surety that the first words to come out of his mouth wouldn’t have been ‘Mama’ or ‘Papa’. The two never referred to themselves that way, and they didn’t expect their children to either. Shia remembers with painful clarity first and only time he tried. Or rather, he remembers the stomach turning look of both confusion and contempt from Moira that followed the one time he tried. He never tried again.

His parents didn’t offer much when it came to what normal parents did he supposed. He didn’t receive much physical affection from them, or sugar coated words. They were their parents, yes, but they were also their handlers, and being raised with that emotional distance definitely had an impact on Shia’s psyche. All Shia wanted to do was impress his parents. Maybe get a good job, or a hug, or a smile. The kind of things he’d seen other kids get just for breathing, or using a toilet. But he knew his parents expected more. He knew they expected the best. So the only way he knew how to achieve his goal of attaining his parents affection was to work harder. To be the best he could at chess, the best anyone could at chess, and once he did that he knew his parents would reward him. He knew they would love him for taking the first step to make their dreams come true. When he was young he used to have dreams of that reward. Of how good it would feel to know they were proud of him. He imagined it feeling warm. And light, like he’d read in books. He imagined it feeling worth it.

Shia and his siblings were never the children that got asked that question, you know, the question that all children can relate to answering with bubbling wide eyed excitement. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ The answer was laid out for them. It was decided before they even had a chance to think about it, and any time someone made the mistake of asking them the question, their parents  answered for them. She will be the world’s youngest prima ballerina. She will be a legend in the musical field. He will be grandmaster. No, dreams weren’t for the Vanzin children, so Shia’s kept his quiet. Kept it close to his heart where his parents couldn’t admonish him for being sentimental or fickle or any of the other large words they used that Shia was only instructed to look up in the dictionary. His dream of gaining their favour was his, and his alone. Shia learned very quickly in life to keep your cards close, and your heart buried.

And after years of hard work and dedication, and a lot of blood sweat and tears, Shia did it. He won. He finally beat everyone there was to beat, and at the youngest recorded age of ten to boot. Shia was officially the world’s youngest grandmaster. His record has still yet to be beat to this day. And that day, he looked to his parents, ready for them to run to him and shower him with the affection and praise he longed for. It didn’t take long for the ecstatic expression on his young face to fall.

The most Shia got was an approving nod from his mother from across the room. His father, for his part, was on a phone call. That was it. The crowd roared around him, and the audience clapped with the enthusiasm usually reserved for sports games and concerts. The reporters at the event stumbled over their words trying to communicate the record breaking event that they had just witnessed, from one of the lionized Vanzin 6. It was chaos, beautiful, celebratory chaos, all for Shia, but it was all a blur around him. He couldn’t see it. All he could see was Moira and Yakov, turning away from him and towards each other, whispering god knows what. He had their full attention for maybe all of a minute. They didn’t even smile.

(There is live video of Shia having his dream crushed right before his eyes. Recordings of it on youtube. How many people can say that, aye? The true power of celebrity. The gif of Shia’s shocked and empty expression amidst a crowd of ballistic celebration even became a meme at one point, a meme that Shia later bitterly used on occasion, because what was more powerful than using a meme of yourself? Than using your own pain for humour? Nothing, in Shia’s opinion.)

After Shia became grandmaster everything stopped. After all, there was nothing more to train him for. He had achieved his goal. He had won. And with his parents no longer focusing on training him and leaving him completely to his own devices, well, they stopped paying attention to him completely. Shia was all at once almost completely emancipated. The freedom of it all was freeing for all of a week. Then, Shia started to feel painfully invisible.

Prior to becoming grandmaster, Shia was quiet. Polite. Very calm, very observant, a bit distant and reserved for a kid, but no real red flags. Afterwards, however? After he felt like his parents no longer had any use for him, no longer had any anything for him, well Shia lashed out. Rebelled. Became louder, sharper tongued, more mischievous. He started acting out in hopes that they would give him some of the attention he so desperately craved, and while they did, none of it was positive. Shia quickly became the problem child of the Vanzin 6, somehow both his parents pride and joy as the first of their children to reach their goal, but also their greatest disappointment as the first one to turn against them.

Without chess to focus on, Shia turned to his siblings for entertainment. However Shia’s version of entertainment was never completely harmless. From a young age he had a habit of using people like chess pieces, of manipulating them and turning them against each other or towards each other for his own cheap entertainment. Shia could singlehandedly trick his siblings out of an argument when he was younger (or into an argument, when he was feeling particularly chaotic). He could trick the few peers he came across into simply giving him their toys or snacks, and trick bullies into leaving him alone a good amount of time too. It was both a gift and a curse, because people were never quite happy when they caught on. Most didn’t but the few that did were memorable in the violence of their anger. And besides, his parents never liked it. Shia would come home with an armful of toys that other kids ‘gave’ him and his parents would always force him to go bring them back, despite the fact that the Vanzin children were never really allowed toys of their own. The fact was, Shia’s moral compass was faulty. He never quite understood why what he was doing was wrong no matter how many times his parents tried to explain to him that people were not to be used as tools. Shia didn’t get how what he was doing was that much different from what they were. After all, weren’t Shia and his siblings nothing more than tools in his parents experiment? He asked them the question once. All he got for his efforts was a stinging cheek and a cold reminder from Moira not to be cheeky.

As Shia got older his rebellion got worse. In his defense, he was left unsupervised. While his siblings were busy with their training, Shia would be sneaking out to parties or bars or clubs. It was in those places that he was introduced to his first great loves. Drugs and alcohol. Moira and Yakov kept the Vanzin mansion dry as a monastery, so Shia had never even had a sip of beer before the age of thirteen. But the moment he did, he was a goner. Or rather the moment he got drunk he was a goner. There was something so beautiful to him about intoxication. So addicting, for lack of better word. When he was high, or drunk, or preferably, both, he felt happy. He didn’t remember his parents, or his responsibilities, or his failures, or even his successes. He was warm. And light. And content. Turns out he didn’t need his parents to make his dreams come true. Just a bottle of vodka and a line or two of coke.

After about a year of Shia coming home drunk or high or a combination of the two, eventually his parents couldn’t take it anymore (in the sharp words of Moira Vanzin, ‘Zigmund your behaviour is distracting your siblings from their training’) and sent him off to boarding school. Honestly, it hurt. His parents were basically getting rid of him because he was inconvenient, and he could never forget their out of sight out of mind approach to the whole thing.

Boarding school flew by in a mess of Riot Club like antics during which Shia did things like discover his bisexuality and somehow, against all odds, graduate. (TBH I wanna leave this pretty open in case there is any other boarding school kids who could have perhaps gone to the same school Shia did, so hmu if you have a boarding school kiddo.) He definitely attributes his acceptance to Holloway on his name completely, because honestly Shia was completely high when he wrote his college application, so high that he can’t even remember why he did it. He had no plans of going to college before that, but he figured... why not party in america and waste his parents money? What was stopping him?

So here he is, a whole mess in another country, and honestly he’s having the time of his life. Well, you know. Until people started dying. That isn’t ideal.

PERSONALITY. emotionally damaged, but make it sexy.

manipulative (we been knew) sometimes without really trying to be though. will manipulate people to get what he wants, but sometimes he just thinks of it like a nudge in the right direction. like he’ll manipulate a friend into talking to that girl they’ve had a crush on for half the year just because he wants them to be happy (and also he’s tired of hearing them talk about her)

selfish/self centered cause it’s just not?? his first instinct to think about other people’s feelings?? and it’s also kind of hard for him to empathize sometimes, especially if he’s never been in that situation or he doesn’t like KNOW and CARE about the person.

charming and charismatic, he’s got a great smile and he knows how to use it. also just very endearing if you don’t know him well, and even sometimes when you do. this is mostly a facet of him being very manipulative because he usually uses his charm to get what he wants, but still.

witty oof, this boy’s humour is inspired by klaus hargreeves and villanelle (what a duo,,, when will they meet) and he’s very rarely serious. always telling jokes, always pretty nudge nudge wink wink, even in very serious situations when he shouldn’t be. uses humour as a coping mechanism 100%, whether that’s at his own expense or someone else’s. honestly, can be kind of mean with it? like if anyone can go for the jugular with a joke it’s shia.

a big flirt honestly. will flirt with anyone he’s interested in, and will sometimes flirt without really noticing it? sometimes will flirt just for sport, or for fun, or to bug someone, or throw someone off. the type to flirt with his professor as a joke (why has he not been kicked out of here already) and has probably slept with a professor as a result. not really a player, but he enjoys physical intimacy and he knows how to get it. has been in more than a few relationships in the past, but is never very good at it because he’s almost constantly looking out for number one, aka himself. so? a mess basically.

vengeful, petty, spiteful, vindictive, all when angry or jealous or feeling as if he’s been wronged in some way but we been knew,,, we been knew.

rebellious !! still the type to suggest skipping town and partying instead of sticking around for exams. not really invested in school tbh. he has no idea what he’s going to do with his future.

a big superiority complex! cocky as hell! kind of acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread because he was over praised as a child by like everyone but his parents. the type to think he ain’t shit deep down so he acts like he’s The Shit yk

craves love and intimacy but thinks romance is a sham. a big pessimist like ‘we’re all just floating on this rock life is meaningless we’re all gonna die anyways’ pessimist but kind of a realist tbh, he just doesn’t see the reason to sugar coat things unless ofc he’s manipulating someone then he’ll say whatever he needs to

trust issues, after his parents tbh. the only people he trusts 100% are his siblings and maybe a few close friends. i honestly may put in a wanted connection for his siblings at one point, but that’s for later.

HEADCANNONS. running for your life (from shia labeouf) he’s brandishing a knife (it’s shia labeouf)

a thick russian accent. speaks pretty impeccable english though because his parents tutored him in the english as a child. He also speaks a bit of french, german, and latin, and is currently taking mandrin chinese.

Is taking political science because he figures being a politician is just manipulating people on a larger scale, and he’d be right. However he’s not sure if that’s what he’ll actually end up going into. Honestly, Shia isn’t the slightest bit sure what he actually wants to do with his life.

His eldest sibling Jean was the one to give Shia the nickname ‘Shia’ after he confided in her that he’s always hated his name, and he’s gone by it ever since. His parents still call him Zigmund, and some of his siblings probably still call him Zig or Ziggy but like i said sdkdsk he has always hated the name (he does not want to be associated with the guy who invented the concept of the Oedipus complex). The only nickname he can stomach sometimes is Z, but other than that he’ll only accept Shia (or Shy to a select few).

was never raised with a television?? didn’t even go to a MOVIE THEATER until he was like fourteen??? so he has absolutely NO idea who Shia Laboeuf really is. People keep making jokes about it to him and he’s like ???? Honestly he googled him once and just gave up after thirty seconds, convinced people were fucking with him because this person couldn’t be real dlksdskld anyways yeah, knows next to nothing about a lot of pop culture, especially anything like before 2010, but has learnt a bit since coming out of his families little bubble. But there are still times where Shia’s like ??? what tf is that and someone’s got to explain what rolly polly olly is to him yk

Shia has a photographic memory, but honestly he doesn’t really care about it. In his eyes having a photographic memory doesn’t make you a genius, it just makes tests easier. Like to him it just means he doesn’t have to flip through his source material for quotes sdkjsdjk. It’s nothing exciting to him sdkdsk he skipped a grade because of it though but honestly?? All he really uses it for now is receipts like a little shit. Shia will legit be in an argument like “oh that wasn’t what you said in that text you sent to me at 4:45 on monday june 3rd 2017???” sdkjsdj. Occasionally he also uses it as a party trick, like if you give him a specific date he could probably tell you the newspaper headline on that day.

Has zero athletic skill. Absolutely none. Would one hundred percent lose in a fight, which is funny because he talks SO MUCH SHIT. He talks constant shit, and yet if you were to throw a punch at Shia he would go down like a rock. He doesn’t particularly care if he gets his ass beat though, so he continues to talk large amounts of shit, occasionally from a safe distance but usually not.

Honestly if you were to see him and his parents interact today it’d be wild, like you wouldn’t even know they were related. They literally act like strangers or acquaintances. Like it’s all like ‘Moira, Yakov, good to see you.’ and ‘You too Zigmund. I trust you’ve been well?’ and that goes on for like five minutes and then Shia has to hyperventilate in a corner for a bit. Like it’s so weird but it’s just been like that all his life. Normal healthy affection??? He doesn’t know her

Has a tattoo of a queen piece on the index finger of his left hand, as a little nod to what used to be his passion. Is also left handed.

Has a scar through his eyebrow that he got on a wild night out when he was thirteen. He got drunk and like passed out, and hit his head hit the edge of a table in the process. There was a lot of blood and a lot of panic, but in the end Shia only had to get a few stitches and he was very quickly back on his bullshit the moment he left the hospital. Literally, he went straight from the hospital to a house party (after all, it’s not like his parents even came to visit him and make sure he got home, so Shia simply did whatever he wanted to.)

Has a helix piercing in his right ear. It’s just a very basic silver hoop though.

His parents never really let the siblings have hobbies, but I imagine one of Shia’s siblings is a horse riding prodigy so he has some experience in that. One of them is a language prodigy, hence why Shia is conversational in so many. Jean, the eldest, is a musical prodigy and has lovingly taught Shia a bit of piano and violin. He is nowhere near as good at those things as he was at chess, but doing any of them reminds him of his siblings, so he tends to actually turn to them more often than chess. If I’m being honest I don’t think that Shia has played a game of chess since he became grandmaster unless forced to by his parents?

Mentally Shia knows he’s an adult now and that his parents technically have no control over him, but emotionally whenever they look at him he just… feels like that empty little kid again.

Tends to always have one of those travel sized bottles of vodka on him so if you’re feeling stressed hit your boy up.

Has honestly been rich since the day he was adopted, like literally has no idea how to function without copious amounts of money?

Shia is staying in the Decker dorms because he thrives on the chaos.

Definitely an addict, definitely high functioning though but also like? It isn’t a secret? I contemplated making it a secret but once again Shia has always got a travel sized bottle of vodka on him sdkjsd you can see him casually spiking his drinks if you’re ever out with him, he pops whatever pills he can find in his pockets in the morning. So yeah it is not a secret that Shia is an addict, he is rarely sober and that’s the way he likes it. Doesn’t consider himself an addict though, funnily enough.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. god we finally got here sjsdj if you got this far you’re the real mvp.

okay to start here is my wc tag for shia so i would absolutely love anything inspired by anything in that tag.

FRIENDS FROM BOARDING SCHOOL. i already talked about this a bit but i would absolutely love it so i’m mentioning it again sdjds i am really flexible about where shia went to boarding school, so literally wherever your muse went works for me. all i want is some dead poets society antics you feel me.

CHILDHOOD FRIEND. listen to me. i love childhood friend connections so much give it to me please and i will give you my first born child in exchange. again, shia grew up in russia, but it could be a long distance friendship if need be. we can make it work, i will literally change stuff around to make it work.

PREVIOUS ONE NIGHT STANDS. honestly shia would have multiple of these cause he’s a hoe. did he ghost your muse? did they mutually ghost each other? was it a one night stand gone wrong?

ENEMY. it’s so easy to hate him man. anyone who wants to hate him please feel free. did shia screw your muse over? did he manipulate them? did he i don’t know throw up on their shoes while particularly drunk? maybe shia was high when he did the thing they hate him for, maybe he doesn’t even remember but he just hates them cause they hate him. it’s the principle of the thing really. (me in my head: *junie b jones vc* princiPAL cause he’s your PAL). unreasonable completely baseless hate for no reason at all? 

FLIRTATIONSHIP. a fun ‘will they, won’t they’ kind of situation because why not. what’s stopping us. just fun banter on both ends. 

EXES. shia doesn’t date so he wouldn’t have too many of these but it would be fun. maybe their relationship was toxic because of shia’s toxic ass traits skjdsj maybe things were getting real and shia dipped like the coward he is. maybe it’s was a the colonel x sarah esque relationship where no one got it because they both seemed to hate each other the whole time and they very much did hate each other but were dating anyways. maybe it’s maybeline. 

FWB/EWB. honestly this is more shia’s speed, so he’d probably have more of these as well as ex-fwbs/ewbs, which is such a fun concept. did it stop because someone caught feelings? or did they just get bored of each other? some other reason? but okay, back to the point, yes sexy enemies. sexy friends. we love to see it. 

HIGH SOCIETY. someone he gets fucked up with! multiple people he gets fucked up with! they party together, drink together, do lines together. it’s a beautiful relationship of them all enabling each other. 

GOOD INFLUENCE. counter actively. someone who tries to get shia away from his self destructive tendencies. someone who’s door he comes knocking at when he’s black out drunk because he knows they’ll give him a place to sleep. Someone he calls when he ends up in butt fuck nowhere with no shoes after a crazy night. Also, as wild as it is, flip it, where Shia’s hypocritical ass cares about your muse enough to try and take care of them. High off his ass but still trying to stick his fingers down their throat so they don’t get alcohol poisoning. They text him when they’re ‘going home’ when they were pre-gaming at their house in the first place. Shia is very ‘you would die without me’ about this person.

BAD INFLUENCE. shia is the devil kronk on their shoulder. he tempts them to the dark side with promises of a good time, and he delivers thank you very much. 

A DRUG DEALER. i mean??? i’m ngl shia i very dependent on drugs, so he would probably keep this person close and do his best to keep them happy.

SOMEONE SHIA CHEATS FOR OR CHEATED FOR. maybe shia did their homework or took a test for them, all for an ominous ‘you owe me’?

SOMEONE SHIA SCREWED OVER. he does this all the time so yeah there can be multiples of this skjsdj shia is honestly like genuinely loyal to only a few people, so there are probably more than few people he left in the dust to save his own skin. maybe he saw the cops closing in on a party and left your muse for dead! or whatever else yk.

ANNOYANCE. it’s shia he’s the annoyance. 

okay i think that’s all i’ve got, and if you made it all the way down here you’re??? an icon??? wow, i really can’t believe. please like this if you want to plot and i will come running!

[kaleidotropepodcast]

the great inbox dump continues!

chetungwan said:

You followed me the same day I finished the podcast, how did you know

Just the Sidlesmith magic, @chetungwan! 

Anonymous said: 

so i just listened to the rent rant and i love this podcast and it is taking me over however i might’ve lost it when drew said the movie is bad, it’s one of the few musical movies i even care about.

Look I (Aja) bawled like a baby the first time I saw the movie, just like I do every time I see / hear the show. And fwiw, Drew would be the first person to tell you that no criticism of a piece of media should ever make you feel ashamed of loving it, because if it speaks to you, then that’s all that matters. <333 And Rent itself is all about that idea, too, so embrace it and go moo your heart out. :D

fancygeorgejones said: 

Sick Benjamin Britten reference I LOVE YOU

THANK YOU, @fancygeorgejones! one of us may have written our music school thesis on homoerotic themes in benjamin britten operas so we very much appreciate your appreciation.

Anonymous said:

late to the party ig but. love the podcast it’s so cute!! anyway just wanted to say that the song Valentine by Atlas gives me Big Harridrew Vibes and I can’t help but imagine drew singing it to harrison bc it’s like... exactly something his overly romantic gay ass would write

Harrison definitely has this song memorized, and definitely Drew would notice and try to memorize it and then rap it to him adorably for Valentine’s, and then they would have lots of half-hug half-cuddle sweater moments, what, it’s fine, we’re fine

Anonymous said: 

I really want to review your show but it has 69 reviews on itunes right now and I desperately do not want to be the one to break that so im at a crossroads because I also want to help it get noticed.....

We’d tell you that you’re in luck because now there are 122 ratings, so you can review away! But in fact reviews apparently don’t make much of a difference in shows getting noticed anyway, so the best thing you can do to spread the word is, well, spread the word! IE tell people that we exist! :)  <3333 (And we know so many of you guys do just that and we love you so much for it!!)

Anonymous said: 

Is your podcast on Spotify?

I’ve heard good things about it and really want to start it but can’t find it on Spotify :(

We are not on Spotify! we applied but were rejected, probably because we recorded everything in a garage on dial-up at the bottom of the ocean 😭

Anonymous said: 

Do you think Harrison would make a good zookeeper?

Harrison would be slightly less awful than Drew, but between them they would turn every single animal encounter into an Event, and no zoo needs that much drama 😂

Anonymous said: 

have you ever considered publishing a book surround drew and harrison's story? like the transcripts, or even a novel, cause i would 100% buy 7 copies of it

....well, we’re considering it now!

Anonymous said:

I'm preparing a fanfic about the Sidlesmith founders, and trying to use the story on the website as a base, but combining the dates from that and the date of the contract in the show, the contract is more than two years after Sidlesmith received their trust funds, while in the contract it seems like they're yet to get them. So, to be true to canon, which i know is not a requirement, but i want to be, would I have to work that into the story somehow or should i change the date of the contract?

Oh, no, a continuity error! We wrote the story on the website first, I believe, and the story itself is canonical, but we all know dates are fuzzy like that.  The website and the show are both consistent that the contract was signed before they got married and the fake relationship was to end once they got their trust funds a year later. That’s the important thing — the dates are *handwaves* whatever.

Remember, this is a town that’s a thriving sea port surrounded by mountains, that’s located south of the Ozarks (Arkansas) but north of the Mississippi River (Minnesota). Time and temporality are funny things, at a baseline. So feel free to have fun with that! :D

Anonymous said:

I'm writing an enemies to lovers, fake dating sidlesmith fic. is there anything more you can tell me about them? or even the construction of the college?

oh i hope there are two of you!!! 🙏

Harriet was smoking hot and desired by everyone, and Henrik had one hell of an impressive beard. Harriet was hot-headed, but also frustratingly pedantic, while Henrik was stodgy and something of a dullard until he stumbled across a subject about which he was passionate. 

They had identical taste in literature, how annoying, and always interpreted everything they read in exactly opposite ways. They each had very advanced ideas about things like sexuality, polyamory, and gender, but expressed them in their very different ways, which means they rarely realized how often they in fact agreed. They absolutely did not get rip-roaring drunk one night after fighting furiously over Melmoth the Wanderer, then raid each other’s wardrobes in order to try on one another’s clothes, and absolutely did not then have the best sex of their lives while still Harriet was still clad in Henrik’s breeches and suspenders and Henrik was still wearing her hoop skirts and corsets, after which they absolutely never ever talked about it again, because there was nothing to talk about. 

Or maybe they were both ace and aromantic, and the fact they started a magic school of romance is a giant irony. Who knows!

As for the school, during the spiritualist craze of the late 19th century, a number of students held seances to try to summon the spirits of Sidlesmith, until it’s rumored that Harriet got tired of being summoned and declared she’d curse the next person who called her back from the Beyond because she and Henrik were enjoying very cozy afterlives, thank you very much. Shortly thereafter, a student who was known to be highly interested in witchcraft was seen entering a small copse of trees in the center of campus, right at midnight. The student vanished, and the students who saw her enter the trees were never able to say precisely where she had gone. And they say that today, if you examine the original blueprints of the college, there’s a small area in the middle of campus that’s completely untraceable today — as if the Sidlesmith curse had wiped out both the student and the grove in which she walked. 

[peppersjam]

My Top 10 Albums of 2019

2019 presented me with a handful of incredible events and memories (I turned 30, I got married, etc.), while also serving me a big challenge (my partner is temporarily living on the other side of the country). In a poetic world, these things would have a significant impact on the music that I listened to and loved, but no, not really. This year is pretty on the nose for me, music-wise. Oh, except that I got really into Taylor Swift in the second half of the year.

Before we hop into boring Steve's boring top 10 list, let's revisit the 2018 list. The only album on the list that I barely listened to in 2019 was Cardi's Invasion of Privacy. Everything else gets at least semi-regular spins, although I'd elevate Historian, boygenius, and Big Red Machine above these others.

My biggest disappointment this year was Charli XCX's CHARLI, which is a solid album, but it didn't grab me nearly as much as Pop 2 did a couple years ago. It hasn't stuck in my rotation.

Runners up:

Bon Iver - "i,i" (I love it when I listen to it, but for some reason I'm not often compelled to listen to it)

Ariana Grande - "thank u, next" (Staple of early 2019, but fell off)

Carly Rae Jepsen - "Dedicated" (Great, but I'd rather listen to E•MO•TION)

Taylor Swift - "Lover" (Some true standout tracks, like Lover and Paper Rings, but too many cloyboys and CRJ rip-offs)

Weyes Blood - "Titanic Rising" (I could see this growing on me over the years, like a Radiohead record)

And the pre-2019 albums that should've made my respective yearly lists:

Beyoncé - "4" (2011)

Beyoncé - "BEYONCE" (2013)

Big Thief - "Capacity" (2017)

Big Thief - "Masterpiece" (2016)

Perfume Genius - "No Shape" (2017)

Snail Mail - "Lush" (2018)

Taylor Swift - "Red" (2012)

10. Big Thief – U.F.O.F

Early in the year, I "discovered" Big Thief. I don't know how I missed them before. Specifically, the song "Masterpiece" got right up in my brain and has been hanging out there since. Then Big Thief gave us U.F.O.F. which was yet another great Big Thief album. See #3 below.

9. Andrew Bird – My Finest Work Yet

Look, I'll stop putting Andrew Bird records on my end-of-year lists when he stops making them.

Andrew Bird turned a corner with the release of Are You Serious where he basically acknowledged that he was now going to work with other people and write scrutable songs. It was a good album, but My Finest Work Yet refines this Andrew Bird 2.0 and delivers some of his... finest work yet ("Sisyphus," "Manifest," "Olympians"). While I still prefer earlier Andrew Bird (A Nervous Tic Motion into Fake Palindromes into Measuring Cups... my gosh, that's 10 incredible minutes of music), I understand why he's moved on to something else.

8. JPEGMAFIA – All My Heroes Are Cornballs

I've been in a rap rut. Kanye is putting out self-indulgent gospel albums. Chance and Drake are boring now. JAY Z is working with the NFL.

But the rut is mostly a lack of imagination on my part. There's a lot of rap out there that hasn't made it through my naive filter, and I want to seek more of it out in 2020. Case in point: JPEGMAFIA. He's weird, political, funny... all the things that the aforementioned rappers aren't (or at least, aren't anymore). All My Heroes Are Cornballs is the most hypnotic rap album I've listened to in years. The glitchy beats and effortless flow makes it impossible to turn off mid-album.

7. BROCKHAMPTON – Ginger

GINGER is a proper follow-up to the SATURATION trilogy. While Iridescence had some good tracks on it, the overall experience was jarring (not without reason, given what the group was going through with Ameer). GINGER reads (ok, plays) like an album in a way that the Saturations never did. While it may be spiritually linked to the Satursation, it's a complete departure sonically. Even though it's more constrained and less bombastic than their hits from that era, it feels much bigger and, ahem, More Important. That might not be to the taste of some of their fans, but I'm happy to have both versions of BROCKHAMPTON in my music library.

6. Lana Del Rey – Norman Fucking Rockwell!

Music publications couldn't get over the fact that on NFR!, Lana, yes LANA DEL REY, was wordsmithing at a high level. Is it that hard to believe that someone would become a better poet as they gained more life experiences, inching closer to the mystical 10,000 hours? Some of the praise may have gone a little overboard (and, frankly, seems rooted in a narrow, misogynistic view of Who Can Do Music Good™️™️™️), but I agree with the underlying principle of the praise: that this is a collection of well written and well performed songs. It has my favorite album closer of the year, "Hope Is a Dangerous Thing for a Woman Like Me to Have - but I Have It." I get chills just thinking about it.

5. Clairo – Immunity

I enjoyed my first listen.

On my second listen, I wondered if it was maybe too simple. I didn't listen again for several months.

But then, when I was working from Pittsburgh the week before Christmas, I listened again. And I couldn't stop listening. It's simpler music than many of the albums on this list, but it appeals to me for the same reason I had a fixation with Snail Mail's Lush this year: it's incredible that songs that sound so "simple" (and I truly do not mean simple in an insulting way) can still be different than anything we've heard before, and can still transfix us in new ways. Behold ye, the power of combinatorics!

4. Vampire Weekend – Father of the Bride

Channel Orange to Blonde was 4 years. There's nothing you can do to get your favorite artists to make music faster. There's some beauty in that... that if an artist is financially successful enough, they don't need to rush.

Modern Vampires of the City to Father of the Bride was 6 years (i.e., 20% of my lifetime). But at least there are no duds here, and "Harmony Hall" might sneak into my hypothetical favorite-songs-of-all-time pantheon.

3. Big Thief – Two Hands

Oh, but then a few months later, Big Thief gave us another album. They started working on it right after they finished U.F.O.F, which tracks based on every interview I've read with Adrianne Lenker. She talked about the insane touring and album release schedule they've been on in the past four years, but her point wasn't "I'm getting tired," but rather "let's see if I can do this forever." I saw them play at The Fillmore after they released Two Hands and I got the sense that Adrianne has to make and perform music. She was uncomfortable engaging in the standard nearly-identical pleasantries that artists share with the audience. She was shy. She was surprised to find that we were hanging on her every word and chord. It was relatable. She's the closest to a genius I've seen in an indie rock band in the last several years, although I'm sure she'd hate anyone calling her that.

That genius produced Two Hands, an affecting indie rock record that practically demands that you close your eyes because you need to experience it and only it.

2. Tyler, the Creator – IGOR

This year, I listened to IGOR over and over again. The hooks, verses, beats, and vibe are all infectious. Boring Steve says "hey, look, it's just a great album." I don't have a deeper thought about it. I eagerly await Tyler's next project.

1. Nilüfer Yanya – Miss Universe

This year, like 2009 a decade ago, was an exciting year to be an indie rock fan. Vampire Weekend and Bon Iver cemented their elder ("elder") statesperson statuses, Big Thief came into their own as a true force of nature, and acts like Clairo and Nilüfer made me extremely jazzed about the Ghost of Indie Future.

Nilüfer has a unique and delightful voice that punches through some really fun songwriting and arrangements. Like, what a dumb, awesome lyric:

Although I cannot tell if I'm paranoid

Or it's all in my head, it's all in my head

Miss Universe is her debut full-length album, and it's a lovable and off-kilter thesis statement for what I assume will be a lovable and off-kilter music career. I can better explain why some of the other albums on this list are great, but suffice it to say, the system rewards unique performances.