#thoughts in the time of a pandemic
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so im listening to the potd audio commentary and jodie's talking about covid restrictions and filming flux and how the restrictions were more intense at the start of filming (was that end of 2020/start of 2021?) and she says "by the time we finished, we could hug" and damn they took that opportunity didnt they
#itS OnLY BeEn A dAy FoR tHe DOcToR wHY dOeS ShE hUg YaZ LikE ThAt#well maybe sometimes you havent been able to hug your friends for six months because of a pandemic have you thought about that dfhkgjhkjgh#i make myself guilty of this too tho i forget about covid all the time#or not forget im the only one in my town still wearing a fucking mask but like#i find it hard to factor in here#bc i dont know when they filmed + theres no covid in dwniverse#or you know. this part of it#but like you dont SEE anyone wearing masks and idk#in like quarantaine times you'd get these visceral reactions to crowd shots on tv right?#but personally ive lost that#i dont go into public places without a mask but everybody else does so like the visual of crowds has become nrmal again#dont think theres crowds in doctor who but like#it doesnt Register so viscerally if people are stnading close to each other#at least to me
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i wish i was more androgynous but also i love being girly i love makeup i love wearing skirts (tho i dont wear them super often but when i do im like i look so cute this is awesome!!!!). i guess i just want to look androgynous naturally so im able to be girly without people seeing me as a woman
#i dont really care if people see me as a woman. bc yknow. i do look like one#but i wish i didnt bc thats just not my goal#one time during the pandemic i was out and i was wearing a hat and a big hoodie and of course a face mask and a lady thought i was a boy#and i was like!!!!! this is great!!!!!!!!#im not a guy i just like when people see me as anything but a woman because its not usual!!!!;!;#anyways
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having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane
sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else
#kk.txt#not snz#like for a while even the thought of like admitting i didn't hate myself felt like.. like i was being full of myself#idk what clicked in my brain a few years ago but it felt like i started to see myself more and like understand myself as a person#like i would a friend. and i just didn't think like that before i guess lmao#but like idk i dont talk about my personal life much but ive been recovering from post-pandemic agoraphobia#and i just went on my first big trip alone and im like. god its barely there anymore its just a little shadow in the corner of my mind#that only spreads occasionally now instead of overwhelming me#like im still terrible at a lot a lot a lot of social interaction type stuff but im like.. doing better than i thought id be able to#a few years ago. like idk im not good at.. change and especially conceptualizing myself as someone who can change and be fluid#like i really do think a majority of my person like my core morals and demeanor havent changed that much. and i like that#it makes me feel more secure to be that way#but at the same time its like my mental image isn't nearly as self hating as it used to be#like i used to picture myself as coming off basically the same way as that girl from watamote lmao like#ugly greasy awkward offputting weird#but now im like.. im just some guy... like yeah i have less experience putting effort into my appearance and i slouch and i have acne#but i am also capable of looking good occasionally. i dont need to do it all the time#ok i got off the bus and my train of thought died goodbye
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i will cashapp $10 to the first person who can name 3 real life harmful things bob bryar did without accusing him of thought crime
#wordvomit#this isnt to say the things he said or thought are good or justifiable- just to point out that he never ACTED on them in any capacity#meanwhile he is being socially prosecuted to the extent as if he has. during such an awful time for his loved ones who are the only ones#who will be exposed to all this hate. possibly including the members of mcr#i understand thinking the things he said are sick and disliking him and being uncomfortable at the discussion but.#i dont understand how you can honestly morally justify half of the stuff people have been saying- like 'he deserved it' and whatnot#without contradicting the 'thoughtcrime isnt real' sentiment i see get thrown around so often ?#isnt the Overarching issue with conservatism as a whole not the idea of . moral purity and puritanism and#'everyone. everything and every idea ontologically different from mine and my communities-#they are objectively worse and i deserve power over them as retribution for what they've done'#ie colonialism. racism. yadda yadda#these are false comparatives bc discrimination based on unchangeable factors vs backlash to opinion is vry different but i still think#the core idea of 'no one who has not enacted harm deserves harm wished on them' kinda shines through it all#and there is a semantic debate to be had about the definition of harm but in this case i am using it to mean anything more Tangible#something that has a wider influence than 'the people who read/heard it were upset and uncomfortable' yea ?#im been waffling about this a lot and why it hasnt been sitting right with me as someone who is incredibly uncomfortable with a lot of his#final statements#it just reminds me so much of my dad and what ive watched him go through#as well as other people in my community during the pandemic#i cant disconnect myself from the humanity of that. especially while condemning him for lacking humanity
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just went through all my blogs to change my age from 20 to 21 (today is my birthday!) and that’s to weird to do lol
#tbh i still feel like 17#1. the pandemic fucked up my perception of time#2. i thought id kms before i was 18#3. i’m in such a stable place with my mental health for the first time since i was 13 and i feel like ive missed the last 8 years of my life#- r
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You know those innocent notes you find in video games that are dated a just before the disaster - I have those in real life and they're these two random status' from 1.27.2020
#two months before lockdown. at least one month before we even started screening patients#I worked at a medical clinic for three years of the early pandemic. we never shut down or got any extra time off or hazard pay#but hey we did get lots of extra shared trauma and status' like this that google haunts me with every year#fuck we just thought it was the flu...
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I watched Jacks stream oh my gosh...
I thought I could handle a Dsmp stream in 2024 but nope. just- that felt SO much like just a stream that would happen in like 2021. the wandering around falling into random creeper holes, chat telling jack to get philza to help him, and to find michael, the mobs interrupting and how unplanned it all was. unscripted lore my beloved forever and ever.
the way that it's like in tommy and jacks conversation- they're talking about things in character that also relates to (presumably) their feelings in real life. just gosh...
when jack and tommy said their goodbyes and jack looked back at technos house to see the sun rising- like its so perfect in a way that the incidental roleplay always was. Like in the way I know I'm reading into it but it still works and it feels like real life when something happens and you find yourself in that moment and life looks almost like a movie- everything in it's proper place for the scene- but it's all just coincidence. the sun didn't rise because a writer wrote that it would. the sun just rises and falls and the conversation just happens to end at that exact moment.
idk just- I really felt it. It captured the feeling of peak dreamsmp that I've missed so much.
I don't even have a problem with nuke ending personally I think it's perfectly fine as an ending. How I've always seen it is: Everyones been hurt by everyone and violence begets violence so the great final act is nukes that will kill everyone that have all ready been launched so it can't be taken back. Then in the prison tommy sees the early parts of the server through Dreams pov and sees the good that was there at the start and how much that has been corrupted since and he wants that simplicity again (he and dream were even friends at one point) before everything went terrible for everyone. Dream turns his back on his plan that he's been building up to for so long cause what he really wants is the same thing as tommy. for things to be simple like at the start. but it's too late- its too far gone. the nukes have already been launched there's no going back. just the hope that maybe in another world things could've been different.
(also the added context of nuke ending being an elaborate character/relationship/map reset to setup a season 2 that never happened.)
So there's my nuke ending defense lol. I know it wasn't very popular with a vast amount of people and that's okay too.
I think ending something like dsmp was never gonna be easy or satisfy everybody, with how many individual povs there are and storylines. I always expected there to be things left unfinished. (unfinished symphony ;) Even if that's pretty unsatisfying for us viewers. (there's a particular stream I really wish had happened with foolish, dream, and eret)
idk there's a post I always remember when thinking about the ending that was like: "Maybe they couldn't write a happier ending at that time in their lives." (super paraphrasing) obviously talking about techno's passing. it's a bit assumptive but the CC's have talked publicly about how much that has affected them (of course it did). With something like that I imagine giving your minecraft server/roleplay character a happy ending is the last thing on your mind.
Todays stream felt like grief and nostalgia and complicated feelings for a time that has passed but still left it's marks on you:
“are you happier?” “I'm getting there”
like, that just says it all.
#dreamsmp#jack manifold#tommyinnit#dreamsmp finale#I don't really make my own posts on here- especially not like this (giving my thoughts/opinions on stuff lol) I made this acc to-#-look at and reblog dsmp posts and fanart. To see ppl on my dash lore posting the daily streams- it was truly a time.#please excuse my dsmp nuke ending analysis- I'm sure it reads a bit clumsy it isn't really something I have ever written before.#lore discourse in this fandom has always been kinda terrible so I never wrote out my thoughts on the ending when it happened#so it was nice to finally do so ^_^#this entire post was written very stream of thought#anyways the dreamsmp will always be something that I love! Thinking about it and these streams and these characters has brought me so much-#-happiness. (and gave me something to do during the pandemic lol)#part of my missing the dsmp is just how all these creators would talk with each other all the time end up on each others streams and collab#-but when it ended it felt like they all just went their own way. I get that people drift away and stuff thats pretty normal.#I guess with how long dsmp went for I just didn't expect it.#(obviously so much has happened between the dsmp ending and to now irt the ccs and everything. idk I just didn't expect that dsmp would be-#-the last place so many of them would ever interact publicly again. I expected to be able to watch them on other servers or collabs)#but such is life#okay- time to never post again for a year! byeee#text post#long post#pizzainator post
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2024 reads / storygraph
Lacrimore
gothic fantasy
a medium travels to a mysterious island to do final rites for the aging scholar who lives in the sole crumbling mansion but finds him still alive
she decides to stay until he dies, hoping that the ritual will bring her the answers she’s been searching for since she lost her wife in the epidemic that swept the mainland
but the house’s few residents are unfriendly and the labyrinthine house itself is hiding dark secrets…
#lacrimore#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#spooky! I thought this was good!#some interesting characters and a lot of atmosphere.#we love sentient houses and historical inspired fantasy settings that are subtly an original world.#very timely in its exploration of the aftermath of pandemic; and the haunting of past trauma.#also highly recommend checking out the author’s art on here before or during reading!#honestly I would have loved a little more detail on like the creatures and stuff. tell me more about the creatures….#I thought the narrator did a good job too. some spooky singing.#sapphic books#(not a romance)
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* there seems to have been a miscommunication
#deltarune#utdr#the human vessel#goner maker#chara dreemurr#dess holiday#void crew#my art#There seems to be this pervasive thought in the UTDR fanspace#where everyone thinks it takes place in the aughts#but we know it takes place in the 2020s bc of Ralsei's handbook saying 202X#also the fact that Asriel is college-aged and Kris is in late highschool#anyways all that just to say DR is in the 2020s so it means it is COMPLETELY possible for the void crew to have mandatory barbenheimer time#however the other implications of the DECADE difference btwn UT and DRs universes are CRAZY#imagine being from DR and almost being an independent adult and also knowing about the human pandemic and stuff#and then in UT youre in 2nd grade again and your dad is dead and you cant warn anyone &$^&*%@^*@$(*#i used to have nightmares about my mind being transported back into the body of myself in kindergarten and being burdened with the knowledg#of what the next 15 years were to hold for me and everyone else with no way to stop it or make anyone believe me#it messed me up so bad. imagine going thru that. crikey on a croissant#gaster#dr gaster#dr wd gaster#w.d. gaster
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changes you say? 🤔
changes like customizing the appearances of both accounts, and integrating themes that weren't there before.
my fnaf phase is mostly over and i feel like posting original art in the main account (and turning this one into a storage of random posts). i also feel like rebloging more life sciences topics to feel more connected to what i study
there's a bit of work to do and i'm indecisive, so that's gonna take a while ^^'
#i'm gonna get into details here but like#from a person that needs to be in a tidy workspace to think properly-#do you ever rearrange furniture and throw away stuff as an unconscious way to embrace unrelated life changes??#the main blog is stuck in a time where i was 16 and hasn't left it since i stopped posting there#and every time i hop there it's like encountering someone else's blog and not my own#and to a certain extent is true. now i get how harmful it tends to be#being a teenager during the pandemic often meant having your world view reduced to online spaces 90% of the time#that coincided with my fnaf phase and god. it was awful lol.#who would've known touching some grass (talking to irl people) would actually help! oh waahh!! it's like magic!! /s#...#(reading all the tags from the start and realizing thoughts got muddled up) oh noo.#starbstalks#inbox
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after half a decade, i'm finally back on my bullshit*
*having enough weekly tv shows that i have (almost) a new episode per day on average
#i thought my whimsy for new shows died around the pandemic but look at me go being interested in new things#elsbeth#the white lotus#the wheel of time#abbott elementary#ghosts cbs#daredevil: born again#phew i'm busy
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Maybe I should start journaling again
#got reminded that it's five years since covid became a pandemic#which also means it'll be five years since it felt like my whole life was falling apart because of it tomorrow#and that was why i actually kept a daily journal for like half a year#but it did help keep me sane#relatively#mostly you can pinpoint from it how horrible i was doing mentally#and it also cointains the first time i ever admitted to myself i might be queer#which is very special to me#on the other hand i like putting all my thoughts into the void online#because sometimes the void talks back#jae says stuff
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the 1 time i actually laughed out loud during section 31 was when fuzz started naming his offspring and went "trip, trip 2" 😭
#that caught me off guard jsfkbskbfks#anyway. that is all i have to say#i am sick (with just a cold i think but it is -somehow?? - the first time since before the pandemic lmao 😭 soooo)#and i'm a bit delirious and very no thoughts head empty. which was probably the best way for me to watch this movie tbh#ok bye. goodnight and peace and love 😁
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i’ve always appreciated how tlou added homophobia and transphobia in its context because it’s realistic and they make you think how nothing changes. it would’ve been easy to not add seth who say shit to ellie and dina, or (religious) fanatics who are after lev because after all we are in the 2030s no? the society itself has been remodelled, we live in a “new” world but older people exist, people who lived in the old world know exactly what homophobia/transphobia are because they know how society worked so older generations are at the front for discrimination even if the mankind has to survive a fungal infection. with this new society their attachment to religious and so the rejection of everything that doesn’t align with those beliefs have been increased and now new generations which don’t even know what an lgbts pride is are exposed to people making comments on them or the forced repression they have to do if they want a so called family . also, with all of the environmental you forget what year we are in, because the internet, smartphones etc. doesn’t exist (anymore) and so you think we are like in the 80s, but then we return at the starting point: we are in 2038, and nothing changed because humanity will never change and they point eyes on you even if there are other dangerous things to worry about
#the last of us#tlou#tlou 2#nothing just some thoughts#on how i appreciated this detail#because many times things that are set in a future#don’t add the homotransphobia#some may say it’s not something you want people add#but to me it gives realistic scenarios#because it’s 2030s but not the year nor the pandemic changed humanity#also i wondered if someone of the new gen know about#the rainbow flags or pride but i suppose everything has been lost
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do you ever think about how kids 30 years from now will be watching “old” shows and getting hella confused when actors suddenly started wearing masks as all the tv shows wordlessly incorporated the pandemic into their plots??
i think about that a lot
#we use Covid as a time marker so often#“when did you get a dog? oh like right after Covid#it’s such a big part of our lives#covid 19#thoughts#ponderings#covid pandemic#actors#movies#tv shows
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girl who had a conversation with someone a few years younger than her who is in a situation very similar to what I was like at her age . it’s not that bad it’s just like . this one teacher at that school I hate with all my heart . anyways . I was talking with her and like . it’s so insane to me that there are people who genuinely look up to . me . and think of . Me . as a person older than them that they can learn from . or respect . or like even talk to like when was the last time I had a genuine positive interaction with someone her age . like . it’s so important to me . like you can tell when someone like that has that like . respect for you . and maybe it’s cause I don’t see myself as . my age . cause like I stopped growing when I was like 11 (not literally but I might as well have at some points ) in my brain so I do not see these people as that much older than me . but then I think of when I was actually 11 and saw people that are my current age and went “wow they’re so tall and old and experienced” and then like . yeah . wow . insane that I might actually be tall and old and experienced . to them
#lissi talk tag#Lissi Feels Sentimental At Three AM .#it’s just like . guys I thought this only happened in fiction what do you mean young people actually latch onto people older than them and#want to learn from them and be close to them . and what do you mean that older person is me#Guys Would You Be Surprised To Hear I’m Actually The Oldest Sibling#anyways it’s not like I genuinely mentally stopped growing the pandemic just messed with my sense of time really badly sjxjsjsn
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