#time will never erode true friendships

[lilaira]

Seriously what the fuck is a frienship decay......

[justanothermemestrider]

40k Sfw Alphabet: Perturabo

As per the poll, Peter T is next for the alphabet series! I have a particular and peculiar soft spot for this man. I don't fully understand why, but it did make writing this one a lot of fun.

I apologise for any spelling errors, ooc moments and grammatical mistakes. If you guys have any requests for future headcanons or fics, please send them thru!

Otherwise, please enjoy :)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Showing affection does not come easily to Perturabo, but that does not make him an unaffectionate person. All his life, he's been starved of unconditional compassion, and that has hardened his heart. But beneath all of that is a man who craves affection. Perty may not be willing to admit it to himself, but that doesn't stop it from being true. And when you suddenly. come along, showing him that yes, there are people in this world who can and will love him for him, not for how he might serve them, those walls around his heart will begin to erode.

After that, Perty will show his affection for you through gifts and acts of service. You will never be left wanting for anything, and often you will return to your shared home to find a new ornament, music box, fidget toy or other such trinket left out for you. Handcrafted by your husband to assure you that, while he struggles with words and physical touch, he loves you in his own way.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Have you guys seen those memes on Instagram and/or tiktok about the mean-girl-who's-actually-a-girl's-girl? You know, someone who looks and acts all mean and judgy, but in a pinch will absolutely step up to help a friend in need? I see Perturabo being that kind of best friend.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Perty doesn't like cuddling but for your sake he will... tolerate it. He might grumble and complain, but he'd never deny you. When you do cuddle, he's a big spoon all the way, holding you from behind or lift you up onto his chest, resting his arms around you like weighted blankets. Secretly, he craves physical touch, but he's way too prideful to ever admit it.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Perturabo's biggest want in life is to be seen as something other than a war machine. He wants to build what he wants, to live how he wants, and he wants to do so without judgement. So, absolutely, I can see Perty wanting to settle down. Eventually, he wants a calm, peaceful life where he can build toys instead of tanks and playhouses instead of siege weapons.

Also, he would be a fantastic house husband. So long as you show him the right amount of appreciation for what he does, he would love nothing more than to stay at home, build his contraptions and be left to do his own thing. Side note: if you were the bread winner of the pairing, Perty's pride might be hurt on instinct, but I could see him getting over it. He would see that your going out and earning a living for your both gives him the time he needs for all the little projects he's been wanting to work on.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Yikes. I mean, there are definately worse 40k characters to break up with, but Perty is definately up there. Expect a lot of shouting, a lot of insults and so, so much pettiness. It's not because he actually means any of it, though: it's all to cover up how heart broken he is.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Perturabo is absolutely lives by commitment, and this extends to your relationship. Once he's squared enough of his demons away to understand that he loves you, he's never going to want to let you go. Your engagement ring will be the finest, most intricate piece of jewelry ever crafted by a human hand, as would be your wedding bands, dress and veil. In a compete reversal of tradition, Perty would demand to take full charge of planning the wedding. The stress of trying to ensure that everything will be perfect, though, would have the poor man ripping the cables out of his scalp, so be prepared to give him ample moral support.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Contrary to popular belief, and his own exterior persona, Perturabo is surprisingly good at being gentle. It's doesn't come naturally: particularly with the emotional side of things, he has to make a concerted effort. But like everything he does, when Perty puts his mind to something, he is always staggeringly competent at it.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Much like cuddles, Perty doesn't like hugs, but for your sake he will tolerate them. And if he can see that you are upset, ill or otherwise under the weather, he will initiate the embrace in order to comfort you.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Not very fast. Not very fast at all. I do think that, eventually, he would muster up the courage to say it.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

In my humble opinion, Perturabo is the most jealous of the primarchs. And this is because he's easily the most insecure. Any indication that another man might MIGHT be interested in you, Perty is spiralling. In these moments, he will be angry, not at you mind you, but rather the offending male. He will need your every reassurance and bit of praise.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

At first, Perturabo's kisses are stiff and mechanical. He doesn't really know what he's doing, and such intimate physical touch makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable. Once he gets over that, though, his kisses become hard, aggressive and overpowering. They'll make your jaw ache and lips swell up.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Terrible at interacting with children, absolutely unrivalled at making the things that children like or need. Toys, cribs, cradles, mobiles, walkers and everything in between, Perturabo can and enjoys to make.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Perturabo is almost never in bed when you wake up. He's always up early so as to get ahead of his work. When you eventually get up, though, you'll usually find a plate of freshly-made breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Perturabo rarely sleeps first- you'll be already half asleep by the time he finally makes it to bed. It's during these late night moments, when he is feeling tired, peaceful and a little horny, that he is the most physically affectionate. He will kiss your neck, pull you into his chest and simply enjoy the feel of your body and your energy.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Perturabo is far from keen to reveal things about himself to you. The surface level things, sure, but anything deeper than where he lives and what he likes to do in his spare time, he's more than hesitant to share. This is for two reasons: one, his past is a dark thing, not a lot there that he likes to relive. And two, many of the things he's done in the past, he is ashamed of, and he has a lot of regrets. With his insecurities already being neck-high, he can't bear the thought of you knowing about them, lest you think less of him or even decide he is not worth your love.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Perturabo's temper has an infamously short fuse, and that doesn't change when he's with you. If he's stressed, tired or pissed off, it's gonna be your problem as much as his. Just don't take it to heart because it's not your fault. It's never your fault. And if he says something that might insinuate that, he will make it up to you with a special gift or gesture (he's not yet mature enough to say sorry, so he's gotta show it).

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Perturabo is as detail orientated a person as you could get. Therefore, he remembers everything about you. Even the weirdest, most mundane things. Like the way you tend to hold a knife and fork. How long exactly you tend to brush your teeth for. Random stuff like that, he just remembers. His knowledge of your habits and quirks is near-encyclopedic.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

I know this is the sfw alphabet, but for this one I gotta say it's the first time you two shared a bed. It was Perry's first time, and let me tell you, it changed him. And it was thanks to the clarity and peacefulness of the afterglow that he was able to finally admit to himself (and to you) that yes, he does in fact love you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Perturabo is hyper protective. Partially out of jealousy, partially out of fear for your safety. You are literally the only good thing that's even happened to him. You're the one person who has given him the affection, validation and appreciation that he has needed ever since he was a little boy. If anything happened to you... Perturabo can't even bear to think about it.

As for Perty himself, he needs you to protect his heart. Specifically, his self esteem and his self worth. He won't ever ask for it, but you'll be able to tell when he needs a kind word or loving touch.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

All of these fall under acts of service. Therefore, Perturabo excels at all of them.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

I think all of Perturabo's problems can be catagorized as a lack of emotional maturity and a very damaged, weakened sense of self worth. His relationship with you forces him to become self aware of these issues, but it is a monumentous task overcoming them.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not really at all. Perturabo cares only for functionality, not fashion.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Yup. See P for some elaboration as to why.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Perty talks in his sleep. Soft little mumblings and coos that are entirely incoherent and totally, utterly cute. He doesn't even know he does it.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Honestly? Perty wouldn't like being with someone who reminded him of him. He needs an opposite; someone who balances him out rather than matches him. If it wasn't that, then the relationship would crumble under the weight of bad tempers, insecurity and emotional deregulation.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Perturabo's sleep schedule is almost non existent. Seriously the man hardly sleeps at all. Often times, when night time rolls around and it's time for you to go to sleep, he'll lift you into his lap and let you sleep there, pressed back against his chest or curled up on your side using his arm as a pillow, while he continues working on whatever pet project he's got going at that moment.

Taglist: @solspina @beckyninja @egrets-not-regrets @wolf-feathers12 @jaghatai-khock @lemon-russ @moodymisty

[cieloclercs]

what would you say (if i told you i love you)? — charles leclerc

PART: 3? (read part 2 here)

summary. in which childhood best friends blur the lines between what they’ve always known, and something more

warnings. swearing, online hate, we’re getting to the angst now 🫣 arguments, charles is an idiot, arthur and joris being sick of his shit (but what else is new)

pairings. charles leclerc x arsty!reader

face claim. tara michelle

author’s note. again, i have no idea how much modern art sells for at auctions so don’t come at me if this seems unrealistic 🙏☹️ i also feel the need to clarify that y/n has 2 instagram accounts, one personal and one for art stuff ☺️

liked by joris_trouche and 51,196 others

y/nsart auction update! 🎨

tide - sold for €12,460 erode - sold for €9,500 wave - sold for €20,890 glint - sold for €6,300

this is nothing short of a dream come true for me. the support i’ve seen both on social media and at the auction (once again, thank you to everyone who stopped by!) has been beyond anything i ever could have hoped for 🩵

if you’d told me when i was a little girl that one day people would pay for art i’ve created, i wouldn’t have believed you. i’m so so grateful to have been given this opportunity to do something that i love and to share it with the world 💗 i can’t wait to see what the future holds!

view all comments…

username congratulations y/n! 💕💕

*y/nsart liked this comment

leclerc_pascale C'est tout à fait mérité. N'arrêtez jamais de peindre, ma fille, vous avez un don! / completely deserved. never stop painting, my girl, you have a gift!

y/nsart merci beaucoup 🥹 je promets de ne pas le faire x / i promise i won’t

arthur_leclerc congratulations petite sœur! / little sister

y/nsart merci arth ☺️

y/nsart also, ‘petite’? i’m literally older than you?

arthur_leclerc but you’re smaller 🙃

charles_leclerc toujours fière de toi, ma chérie ❤️ / forever proud of you, sweetheart

y/nsart 😐

charles_leclerc you’re still mad at me? ☹️

y/nsart if you wanted one of my paintings you could have just asked rather than wasting over €20,000. i would have let you have it for free

charles_leclerc i didn’t waste anything, y/n

username uh oh mom and dad are fighting 😳

username ironic how her highest selling painting was literally bought by her best friend 😭

username i guarantee you it would NOT have sold for that much if charles hadn’t been bidding

username i don’t want to be the one to say it but lately it kind of feels like y/n’s been using her friendship with charles as a way to promote her art…

username as much as i love y/n icl i think you might be right 🥲

username 🤢🤢🤢

username stop using charles’ fame to try and make yourself relevant! you’ll never be good enough for him babes 🥰

username the switch up on these comments from ‘fans’ is actually so embarrassing

username i know! it’s like as soon as y/n starts becoming successful everyone suddenly decides it’s not because of her own hard work but because of charles 🙄

username lmao how has she managed to make tens of thousands for that shit she calls art? i’m sensing a clout chaser 😂

username this REEKS of jealousy

username these comments make me sick. y/n has proved time and time again how talented and hard working she is. just because charles doesn’t know you exist doesn’t mean you get to hate on another girl who he ACTUALLY cares about. grow up.

*charles_leclerc and y/nsart liked this comment

username i feel so bad for y/n. no offence to charles but if he’d let the auction play out normally without bidding (although he does have a right to do so if he wants!) then she wouldn’t be getting all this hate right now 😔

comments on this post have been limited.

liked by pierregasly and 1,567,836 others

charles_leclerc back to work 🇳🇱

view all comments…

username no y/n like? ☹️

username is y/n with you?

username guys check kym illman’s instagram! he said charles turned up to the paddock alone…

username i mean, y/n could be arriving later right?

username if y/n isn’t there it’ll be the first race she’s missed since singapore last year 😳

username y/n has a life besides charles! just because she’s not at one race doesn’t mean they’ve fallen out or anything ☺️

username but think about it…neither charles nor y/n have posted anything to do with each other since the auction a week ago normally they can barely go a day without posting each other 🥴

username can everyone just stop talking about y/n 🙄 all she ever did was distract him anyway

username forza charles! ❤️

username he’s not even smiling :((

username because he knows ferrari are shit, it’s probably nothing to do with y/n

username i didn’t even mention her? 😭

joris_trouche i think you’re missing someone mate

username JORIS??

username HE KNOWS SOMETHING!!

username JORIS PLEASE TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW

username i hate to be the bearer of bad news but y/n just posted. she’s not at the grand prix 🥲

yourusername

viewed by charles_leclerc and 9,637 others

replies:

arthur_leclerc oh shit arthur_leclerc what did he do joris_trouche just say the word and i’ll smack him for you 😁 ↳ yourusername please don’t do that 😭 yourfriend you don’t need him, mon amour ❤️ ↳ yourusername ☺️

you:

did i do something wrong?

we haven’t spoken in a week

charlie 🤍:

no, y/n

you:

you won’t answer my calls

charlie 🤍:

i’ve been thinking about what you said

i don’t want you to have to deal with hate because of me

you:

so you think ignoring me is the answer?

charlie 🤍:

i’m not ignoring you, y/n, i’m trying to protect you

you:

what the fuck?

charles, i don’t care what people say about you

charlie 🤍:

but i do

isn’t it for the best? if we aren’t seen together for a while, you won’t get any of the hate

you:

you really don’t get it do you

if you think i want you to cut me off to ‘protect me’ then maybe you don’t know me as well as i thought you did

charlie 🤍:

don’t say that

i just want everyone to see you the way i do

you:

and i already told you, i don’t care what they think of me

i only care what you think

charlie 🤍:

why?

you:

i’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet

charlie 🤍:

figured what out? [ seen at 4:11PM ]

y/n?

you:

i think it’s best if we don’t see each other for a while

bye charles

charlie 🤍:

what?! [ seen at 4:13PM ]

y/n come back [ delivered at 4:14PM ]

just tell me what you mean [ delivered at 4:20PM ]

please y/n [ delivered at 4:47PM ]

liked by yourfriend and 1,637,937 others

scuderiaferrari A DNF in Zandvoort for Charles. Now time to refocus ready for Monza 🔜

view all comments…

username what the actual fuck was going on with him today?

username i don’t know. i’ve never seen him so distracted 😕

username honestly a rookie mistake. if he’s going to be pulling shit like this then he doesn’t deserve his seat 🤷

username it’s just one mistake?? calm down 😭

username why do i feel like this has something to do with y/n…

username oh my god will you all shut up about y/n 🙄 they’re not even dating !!

username and? they’ve been best friends since they were 5 years old. if my childhood friendship broke down i’d be pretty fucking upset about it too

username we don’t actually know that they’ve fallen out tho…neither of them have said anything

username but isn’t it obvious? y/n not at the race, charles being distracted and sulky around the paddock? they’ve definitely argued about something

username charles i can’t keep defending you when you do this 💔💔💔

username how this guy has managed to keep his seat with all these mistakes i have no idea 😒

username hopefully y/n will be in monza to bring him some good luck🤞

➜ part 4

[pompeiileveldisaster]

mutsumi is definitely not okay

hey i'm back with another analysis. let's do this a weekly thing after each episode where I hyperfocus on a specific aspect of it.

Today's focus is on mutsumi and the fact that she did not catch a single break. From the start, the worst thing happened to her: her mask is broken, she cannot hide anymore. The identity of mortis is gone, all that's left is comedian Wakaba and Minami Mori's daughter. We clearly see the panic and anxiety slowly building up from this point on.

second comes soyo's anger. We start off the scene with the withered cucumber plant. The cucumber plant that mutsumi is proud of as her own work. It is important to note that soyo had been helping her tend to the plants. In episode 12 of MyGO, soyo giving back the cucumber can be interpreted as her rejecting any form of friendship with mutsu. The withered plant this episode can also symbolise two things: soyo and mutsumi's relationship souring even further and/or mutsumi's destroyed mental state.

third comes nyamu's frustration. she immediately notices that a lot of the online attention is placed on other members more than herself. she probably doesn't intend to actively hurt mutsumi, but her words keep reminding the poor cucumber that once again she is in the spotlight again. Once again, she is in photoshoots, taking interviews and staring at the cameras. A life she had known since childhood and wished to stay away from.

fourth comes her mother. we finally meet her and her personality is a far cry from mutsumi's. from her interactions with the band, it is shown that she wants to be accepted by her daughter's peers. "Cool Mom" personality. She makes them an elaborate dinner, offers a business opportunity to nyamu, makes them watch her own movie and invites the band to use the room as "no one is actually using it". But that isn't true as we see the torn and used chair that mutsumi has been using. There are two possibilities: either minami is aware that mutsumi is using the room but doesn't give it any importance or she is unaware of it. At best, it is obliviousness, at worst it is negligence. also, mutsumi calls her own mother by her first name. as her own character screamed in the movie, it is likely that minami mori is a negligent mother.

fifth comes sakiko's panic. her pet project has started unraveling with the mask reveals. she is forced to write a new script, and to steer the ship in another direction. mutsumi's words during the interview further deepens sakiko's turmoil. now, media is talking about a possible breaking of the band. the only thing left for sakiko who went all in on ave mujica. as mentionned before, mutsu doesn't talk a lot because she is cursed to say the worst thing at the worst possible time.

"I never found being in this band fun." In soyo's eyes, that was the nail in the coffin for crychic. a sentence that completely eroded tomori's self esteem.

"It won't last long" she said openly during a live interview after a major shift in the band's image, which sakiko is having a hard time reconciling. (exemplified by telling the interviewer to refer to them as their stage name and not their real identity). As previously said, ave mujica is the only thing left for sakiko, and mutsumi accidentally threw a wrench into it.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Hi, I badly need advice. I have a problem. I don't know how to maintain close friendships. Or at least, I used to know but now I don't anymore. I used to be able to make friends easily without any kind of awkwardness or anxiety. Of course I wasn't friends with absolutely everyone, but I could pretty easily find a few people I vibed with and then talk to them and get close to them -- as in, feel comfortable around them, feel secure in our relationship, and become friend friends with them. Like really good, close, best friends. I've always had slight people pleasing tendencies, but before, I used to have a strong sense of self. I had a really solid relationship with myself. I didn't care what other people thought of me, I wasn't worried about disapproval or rejection, I wasn't afraid of expressing myself and my feelings authentically even if they might upset others. I didn't have this awful, all-consuming, crippling fear of abandonment or not being enough or being somehow inherently defective that I do now.

Needless to say, all of that has been slowly changing and all those essential qualities I used to have have been slowly eroding away from me these past few years. I won't get into why. Now I find friendships really difficult. I'm always worried about the other person's opinion of me, whether they like me enough, whether I'm "performing" well enough as a normal, okay, acceptable person. I can't tell anyone the actual stuff that goes through my head or my real feelings because it is truly very personal information that I'm afraid could be used against me, especially if it got out to the wrong people. That's happened to me before. I'm afraid of being authentic not only because of this lack of trust in others, but also because I'm deeply afraid of rejection. I don't know how to be myself anymore because my baseline, my ultimate goal, is always to somehow prove my worthiness to the other person or to win the other person over. If I feel like I haven't, I feel awful, because to me it confirms all my beliefs of being inherently "wrong" as a person.

None of this is helped by the fact that over the past few years, I've managed to lose every single close relationship I had. Literally every. Single. One. I had a few good online friends but for some reason we drifted apart, because they started acting weird and distant and like they didn't want to talk to me anymore. Either they themselves slowly stopped talking to me or I pulled away after sensing them pulling away first. When I tried communicating and asking why, they always told me nothing was wrong but they kept acting different, which led me to the conclusion that it must've been something I did.

On top of that, my two absolute best friends in the world also ended up leaving me. One of them ghosted me out of nowhere while the other again slowly started pulling away without directly communicating. Finally they told me they couldn't continue our friendship anymore, because they just didn't want to talk to me anymore. That they'd been thinking about ending it for years but only held on because of the memories we'd shared together.

This has happened multiple times. I've been left behind or had a good friendship abruptly end for seemingly no reason multiple times. This just makes me feel more like there's just something very wrong with me.

I make new friends all the time but we never get close. I try my hardest, I try to practice letting go of shame and learning communication skills, I try to practice letting my guard down and being myself little by little even though it's terrifying and I'm never able to fully manage to do it. But even though I'm on good terms with these people, I'm afraid of pushing them away by doing something wrong. So I can't get comfortable around them. I can't get past the stage of being acquaintances into something that feels like true, real friendship. I see people all around me easily being able to do this, easily being able to bypass this stage, and it makes me feel horrible about myself. The last time I was able to make a genuine friendship with someone was almost three years ago.

This is already really long. I'm not sure if you even answer advice on this page. If you do, please give me some advice that could help with this. I don't know what to do.

Hello :) Sure I can give you my pov, but keep in mind I'm not a professional adviser or anything. I'm just someone trying hard to make it through, like you and many other people.

Relationships are a complex thing, especially nowadays. If you feel like you were once a different person from now, it's cause things (and the way we interact and confront) changed a lot in the last bunch of years also thanks to the internet and how connected we are with the whole world. As a society (also thanks to social medias becoming the main source of validation) we reached a certain level of self awareness that I'd define toxic especially when we consider the single person: if you look around, everyone sees flaws in themselves, everyone tries to mask themselves (even through editing pictures, using AI or whatever) to be better, to feel more accepted by others, to feel valid enough. Scams kind of follow the same mental pattern. We're forgetting who we are just to look more appealing and "perfect" (like some advs on TV) and not be left out (or judged as not enough, wrong, bad. Which still leads to the same result of us being abandoned -which historically meant we wouldn't have been able to survive, but now... it's not as life-threatening). Not to mention recently we're going through major events world wide (pandemics, continuos wars...) and all the subsiding fears we had not been aware of or neglected for years got triggered and came out on the conscious all of a sudden. This inner feeling of not being able to make it, to survive, to do something, of not being enough and "epic fail"ing is blocking many of us and in many different ways. Emotionally speaking, is a lot. A REAL WHOLE LOT to deal with. This to say: you're not the only one going through such an experience. And in all honesty, I think that also the people around you that you see making no effort in creating good relationships (are you sure it's so or are they compromising/accepting crumbs in the end? Or accept their "fate", called out by society's expectations instead of seeing something is not right within?) are struggling too. Maybe not in that aspect, maybe in another one, surely differently from you, but it's not that they have it all under control and nothing is wrong. What I am noticing among the people I used to befriend with is that we all have some issues here and there. We all let them out/react to them differently (whether we are aware of them or not) and cope with them differently; but we're also different people with different lives and backgrounds, so we cannot compare. So please don't compare with what others are doing, and focus back on you. What I like to say is: if you're struggling to keep up with someone's path, maybe it's not you the wrong one, maybe that path is not for you. Maybe you need to walk a different one where you can run on and others struggle.

Try to come back to yourself and who you are, your true self whitin. I think that many of us, not just because of what is going on around us but also for personal reasons (you mentioned you know why you also became like this, so keep it in mind and work through it and what it means for you, what meaning you gave it about you), forgot who we are in order to look more on the outside for validation. We became more insecure of our worth, we started feeling more judged, constantly in need to prove ourselves. And again I'm kinda sure this is the result of what we're going through world wide (+ internet put us potentially in front of the world, not just of our neighborhood; which means a lot more of different ideas, different cultures, different people... it may look tougher to be liked by everyone, even if that cannot be the point: nobody likes everyone). Some people are coping with this in the opposite way, being more harsh, judgy, sneaky or whatever else. Not noticing that hurting others won't make it better for them nor heal their own pain. I do think we all do our best anyway, with what we know and have. We always try to save ourselves from something, in whatever way.

Anyway... Back to you. I think that even if people left you, it was not just your fault. All the people involved have a role in the ending of something they have created together. Sometimes we just grow apart from childhood or school friends, or friends in general, but it doesn't have to mean any of us is wrong or bad. I think you should look again at the meaning you give to people leaving you. And if by any chance, you try to pull away first just in fear others may leave (you may sense something is wrong, but it could be self sabotage: it happens after being in the same cycle of abandonment and lack of self worth for long. Don't be too harsh on yourself). Even those who told you they wanted to drift away but endured more because of the memories... It's okay to grow and become different people with different interests, it doesn't mean they hate you or you did something wrong or you're not enough. If they still wanted to endure, it means they still love you. It's not a decision made on a whim; or doesn't look like, at least. These days, maybe they need and want something else that they thought (or realized) you probably cannot give them. I think that at times we just try to keep certain friendship for the company, more than for the feelings we share. It happens to not realize it. But it's good to, it's good for all the people involved. Feelings can change, as we grow and change ourselves. It's not a bad thing.

You said you're trying to form close relationships but you cannot because you're scared of being vulnerable, because you fear being abandoned again, being judged/used, not understood (as you mention) or anything of this kind. You know it too, we need to let go of those fears and be vulnerable to get what we want. I found out that being aware of my fears, but also of my own strengths, of the things I like of myself and even of those I don't like (but I accept as part of me, even if it's hard st times) is what can help me being vulnerable and giving others the power to hurt me without this meaning anything bad about me. They, their actions towards me or what they think of me, cannot define me. I cannot control it or what they do with the parts of me I give them either, or how they meet their needs or cope with something through me: so things can go well or not, but if I do my best in showing myself for who I am, the right people will appreciate me and come closer too. They will try to understand me and respect me too. Others will try to hurt me, or misunderstand me (for their own reasons, generally self projection on me or assumptions based on their own experience that I cannot control or change -this to say if you don't want to share your reasons out of fear, it's okay, take your time to trust and get there), and won't be able to respect me (it's not something I can impose, it's something that is only given from the heart the moment we also respect ourselves), but if I remember my worth and how loved I am by the right people, they won't be able to. They may give me bruises, sure, but I'll survive anyway. I always survived anyway. I am sure you can survive too. I know it's hard to just imagine at times, but please try harder. No, actually not harder (it may stress you), just differently. If in a way it doesn't work, maybe in another one will. Others too may feel the same way as you. Others too have doubts, flaws, insecurities... We're all on the same boat. We all go through similar experiences. Don't feel like it's only you fearing to be judged or having to prove your worth (some just tend to judge first in fear of being judged, as Carl Gustav Jung said). Maybe this idea can help you be a little more at ease when dealing with others? Or find the thought that somewhat helps you calm your mind best: everyone poops? Or farts? Everyone's feet smell? Idk. Just something real that hepls you rememebr we're all human beings at the end of the day and we cannot escape that.

As I was reading, recently as a society, we are focusing a lot on the negative and let it give us anxiety. We create in our minds stories that follow our fears, and we let them become our reality about us, about our self worth, about how things will be (bad) in the future... We have no solid proof of this, we just give lot of importance to any little negative event that happens or we hear about, and create a fake future scenario that looks very scary... Somehow we try to find confirmations of it and at times we end up self sabotaging or indeed, we keep looking for negative stuff that can confirm it somehow. That's how our minds fill the gap between what we know and what we don't know but try hard to prevent and control out of fear. What is your other fear? I think when it comes to friendships, some of us just fear not being enough, some other crave for connections (all out of loneliness within) but fear not being able to have them and ending up alone forever, feeling isolated and judged badly by others... For some having friends would mean they're enough and accepted by society. Not judged as weirdos or bad people (this is also valid for those who haven't been in a romantic relationship by a certain age). I think the reality is different: some of us are just not ready. We have stuff we need to process about us, about who we are, our behaviour, needs, and all. Pushing and trying hard to get something when we're not ready, would be counterproductive and prolly make us suffer more. I'm convinced there are things we need to learn first, both through relationships/friendships and just by ourselves. But we focus so much on the outside these days, and how we should act and look like, that we forgot how beautiful we are as the imperfect and different humans we are. And how okay it is to be so. How there's not just one right way to do things, learn, live... and how failing and being bad is part of the process. We're a bunch of differently colored and shaped work in projects.

I know, for example, where I was "wrong" (it's not only this ig, but let's just mention one example). Because of the envirnment I grew up into and in order to keep the peace and save myself, I learnt to renounce to many things. This made my childhood/teen friends start avoiding to ask me out: they knew I wouldn't have joined them. We then reached a point in which simply we drifted apart because of our study choices and life. Some of them are still good friends among themselves, I feel like I'm the only one out of the group: but my life is different from theirs, and it has always been. I'm not blaming myself, neither them. I just tried to save myself and make it easier for me, and I didn't know I was sabotaging something else. But if I look back, I have no regrets. Plus, if I think about it, I now know that those people weren't the people I need in my life anyway. They kind of knew my situation better than me, but they never really offered me support or understanding. And even if now have changed, they're still not people I need in my life. What I considered a close friendship actually wasn't so. We only used to have fun together at times, talk about people we liked, spend some time together... if I asked them what my fav color/food was, or what I was afraid of, they probably wouldn't know. I don't think what we consider a close friendship now as adults can be compared to the close friendship idea we had as teens. Or at least, that was for me. Maybe I was just too shy back then and nobody ever tried to break that shell nor told me about it. It was just okay to talk and befriend on certain topics/vibes. I may have forgotten about a lot of good stuff that happened and remember more easily the "negative" ones, my memory probably got biased by the recent (personal and not) events, so I'm not entirely sure of this, but it could be... yk. Traumas do this as well, they trigger us on different levels by making us connecting dots, seeing all the similar negative stuff that has happened and confirming us we're just bad, unworthy people. They make us notice all the wrong we've endured, what we had to go through and how our worth depended on how well we behaved, how much/good we did... You mentioned all this already. You know where you block and sabotage yourself. And I know it's hard to fight it also once you know it, but the only answer is to try and accept yourself entirely. Also for the things you may not like or feel bad about, the things you may feel embarassed about, the regrets, the negative sides... You had your reasons for acting in a certain way or saying certain things. I think it again can be shortened into "you were trying to save yourself". So please, forgive yourself. Be kinder. At times we want so hard to be unconditionally accepted by others but it's us and our flaws/imperfections we need to accept unconditionally first (not saying "love", but just accept them as part of us, as part of the mix of layers and characteristics that form us into the person we are. And check if it's something we can -and should- make better or not and act consequently -not based on others, but on our own feelings: other people change their minds too easily and may be biased too, we cannot depend on them to have a proper feedback so we need to stick to our beliefs and values and try our best with them). Accept our humanity. We're just projecting on the outside our unmet needs. And we may continuosly do so and find confirmation after confirmation, if we focus on the people who won't ever be able to accept us. And if we focus on how entirely unacceptable we are for any little flaw we have (and that we cannot change it also; but again, we don't have to change our whole self for others: compromise = meeting halfway and "perfection", if we wanna call others' likes this way, is too subjective -what you consider a flaw in yourself for your own reasons may be something another person love).

I also think that back then, as you said yourself, people simply didn't care much about other would see them. When communicating and knowing the others, they were focusing on the person in front of them, not on themselves. They were focusing more on the actual connection (maybe also the need to self defend was not as huge as now? Sometimes we listen to reply/defend instead of understand). This hypervigilange you may have about yourself when you interact with others (how you look, what you say, the fear of your flaws/imperfections/wrongdoings being judged...), may be a big self sabotaging element in your life. I noticed at times I tend to focus on my flaws too, and this really doesn't allow my inner self to shine. I don't give the right attention to the other either, which they may notice especially on the long run. I become too aware of myself and block myself, and it blocks the connection too. It may be not true, but if in the past you used to connect with others easily, it could be because of this. You just let go, you didn't have your foot on breaks as now. You were free of being you, good and bad, you weren't trying to hide your flaws/negative side waiting for some negative judgement on it (we all have done something we're not proud of, btw). Actually, when communicating and knowing others, we're not really in a court of justice, we're just interacting with people. We shouldn't wait for a sign of approval or disapproval, but just focus on enjoying that interaction and make them enojoy it too. We shouldn't make it harder, but easier and more comfortable. We should just go back being present, caught up in the moment, and forget about us and them. Just let ourselves shine bright. The right people will love that. And it will work with them, no doubt. We cannot click with everyone anyway, we never did and we never had to. Still we don't. We click with a certain amount of people only, and we need to let go and be vulnerable to find them.

Take some time to take care of you. Don't be too harsh on yourself, don't follow your inner critic that only wants you to focus on the wrong side of you, making you see things that are not even there very likely (that's the job of our minds, create stuff we may have never even done/said too or make them look worse than they are). Find the real you, and learn to accept it good and bad. Accept yourself again. Even if those sides of you are slipping away from you (as you said), maybe they are just changing into something else. You're not losing yourself necessarily. You may just feel like you are. But that's also due in order to accept your new self: we need to create the space for our new sides, or a new way to seem them. You're still you, no matter what happened to you. Anew different you, but still you. Give yourself time and patience to go through it all, and embrace your inner change. It won't be bad. It's worse to keep being at war within... Remember people will judge us anyway (they're just projecting on us and judging their own insecurities), let's let them at least do it on the real us. Not on a fake or blocked version of us. Let's also let people love us for who we really are, and not for who/what they want us to be. There's no point in that... it will only hurt all the people involved. Acceptance (and love, also in friendship) is about understanding, respect and compromise imo. Your reality and my reality come together in a new one, where each of us has their own spaces and importance, but also doubts. And the other gives you freedom and support to heal them. It works also with ourselves imo.

As we need to grow and learn stuff (this imo, ofc), meeting people with whom it may not work at first (or at all) is good for us too. As long as we learn our lessons. Don't let what happened in your past, or the decisions people took (it was their life too, so it was their right as well to end things, even if you may not like it) necessarily mean something is wrong with you. Take a look within objectively, check if there's actually something you may need to change in how you act in relationships (it's not that you're doomed to be in a certain way) or if those relationships just had to end somehow (not all of our friendships need to last forever, not all the people we meet need to be our friends or we need to like each other equally). Then go back to your present self and embrace yourself. You did what you could with what you knew. You still do it. Take a breath, check your lessons and then move on from those past experiences. Focus on your present. And don't give up. Keep working on how you communicate with others, try to be vulnerable and less self aware if you can... just try to let go without those fears. You said you tried, but you know, after you've been focusing for so long on a certain idea (that people may take advantage of you, judge you or abandon you and you're wrong and bad) it's hard to let it go. So it's okay if it's still hard to make it: that idea may still be active in the back of your mind making you doubt yourself and be hypervigilant, double check yourself even, and spiral... Take a breath. It's okay. You're okay, things will be okay. Try to not let your mind take you to negative fake scenarios. Give yourself time to trust, or to get to right situation in which you'll feel okay with sharing deeper sides of you. It doesn't happen to happen asap. Good things take time. You have plenty. It's okay if for now you need to keep your walls up. Just keep trying to open some windows here and there as you find your new balance. Maybe doors too. You know some relationships will work, others not immediately, others not at all. Some will be smooth, others will have to go through bumps and obstacles. That's okay. They don't mean anything about you, your worth and who you are. They never did and never will. They just happen to teach you something, also about yourself. Embrace it all with the less fear you can. Not without fear because only with fear we have courage. So with more courage than fear. You can, I'm sure.

All the best, hope you can find something of help in this long answer. Just try to stay as positive as you can anyway and work through it all with patience and self acceptance (especially when it's hard: be more compassionate with yourself, you're trying and that deserve recognition from you). Endure through it all slowly. It'll get better<3

[cowboysanddragons23]

Months have passed since Hiccup and Valka first met and shared their first flight together. After the defeat of Drago and his Bewilderbeast and some months earlier before coming to the Island they now call home, Hiccup broke up with Astrid because they wanted different things: Hiccup wanted to go adventuring and exploring and Astrid felt more at home with Berk, despite herself not being afraid of adventuring.

Even after they broke up, Hiccup and Astrid realized they worked better as friends, with such friendship being so deep that after stepping down as Chief of Berk, he named her as his successor, which filled not only Astrid's heart with happiness and pride, despite some initial bewilderment because it caught her off guard, but also the Berkians' hearts, who believed Astrid would make a great chieftess.

During the time Hiccup spent with Valka, he not only had the chance to know her even more, always in awe in how alike they are, but also got to see first hand how good of a fighter she was, like the time where they rescued some dragons from the remnants of Drago's Army.

Despite their leader being deceased, it didn't deter them, with all their attempts ending in failure, albeit he could easily explain their incompetence with Drago not bothering to teach them how to control the dragons in a more effective way, always paranoid about being overthrown and obsessed with only himself being at the top.

As Hiccup remembered the events that brought him where he is now and sat down, contemplating the fire of their chimney, Valka approached him at the living room of their home, a home they themselves built with the help of the dragons and sat down besides him, nervousness devouring her heart.

"Hiccup, there is something I want to confess to you."

"What is it, Mom?"

"During all the time we spent together and even when we first met, I tried to be rational and stamp those feelings out, but I can't. Hiccup, I am in love with you. I am in love with you since our first meeting in the Sanctuary. I feel attracted not only to your love for the dragons, but your kindness, compassion and thoughtfulness. If you don't feel the same, I understand. I want you to be happy, with or without me in your life."

Hiccup took his time to process the recent information he has been given and said "During all the time we spent together and when we first met, I have also fallen in love with you too. I feel attracted to your grace, wisdom, compassion and also your love for the dragons. When I first met you, I was in awe that for the first time, I didn't need to convince someone that dragons are wonderful creatures."

"The feeling is mutual, son. Before meeting you, I felt that people couldn't change, that dragons and humans couldn't coexist, but you proved me wrong. You proved me that was possible."

"As happy as I am to see that our feelings for each other are mutual, I want ask you: why did you stay away for 20 years? And why on the Sanctuary you looked so happy when reconnecting with Dad, despite having said feelings for me?"

"Because I thought you would be better without me around, but also because I could be myself without hurting anybody. As I already said when I was showing you the Sanctuary, Berk at the time was a land of kill or be killed. I tried advocating for peace, tell the people that dragons are wonderful creatures, but nobody listened to me, not even your father. I loved him, it's true, but my love for him eroded the moment he didn't listen to me for alternatives to end the dragon war. We had a lot of arguments about the topic too many times and had your father remained alive, I couldn't have been his wife again because 20 years have passed and we weren't the same people anymore and by the time, I had already moved on."

"I didn't know that your marriage to Dad was so tumultous and I understand why you chose to stay away. He barely spoke of you, yet he thought about you every day. He never remarried, surprisingly enough, even when he had the chance to do so. Despite moving on, I can't help but wonder why did you look so happy while dancing with Dad and reconnecting with him?"

"Guilt. I felt guilty for abandoning him, but more for abandoning you and being absent for 20 years of your life. And your father was in love with the idea of me, not with me. And you? Why you didn't act on your feelings sooner?"

"Because at the time I didn't want to hurt Astrid and break her trust and heart. And also I tried to be rational too and banish those feelings, but I can't."

Hiccup got close to Valka and softly put his hand on hers and both gazed at each other, love evident on their faces. As their faces leaned closer, their lips met for the first time, as this first kiss would be one they would remember for years to come.

As they kissed, Hiccup wrapped his hands around Valka's waist and as she stroked his hair, he gently laid her down on the floor and wasted no time on getting on top of her, exchanging caresses. His lips separated from hers and he started kissing her collarbone, eliciting some moans from her and continued touching whenever their hands could reach, which aroused them both, but as she gently grinded her hips with his, having previously entangled her legs around his waist, he suddenly stopped, worrying Valka.

"Hiccup, did I do something wrong?"

"No." Hiccup said as he cupped her cheek and she leaned into his touch "It's just that I want to take this to a more appropiate place. I want our first time together to be special."

Hiccup got up first, helping Valka up, which made her say "Thank you."

"For the love of my life? Anything."

Valka blushed after hearing those words and wanted nothing but jump his bones now and then, but refrained of doing so, because she wanted their first time together to be special as much as he, so she took his hand and led him to their bed, where they resumed their kisses and caresses. The temperature between them started to rise and their clothes were getting sticky due to the sweat, so they gently removed them. As Hiccup unbraided her hair and removed her breast bindings, staring at her with nothing but love in his eyes, Valka covered herself, feeling shy and self-conscious.

"Mom, are you alright?"

"My body...is not that of a young woman anymore."

"Mom, you don't have to hide, not with me." Hiccup said on a reassuring tone, sustaining his weight on his left hand as he caressed her cheek with his right "I fell in love with you for you, not for your body. I love you for who you are and I will never ask you to stop being who you are."

And to make his point across, he kissed her tenderly, yet passionately, a gesture that caught her off guard, but eventually reciprocated, with his hands entangled on her hair and hers on his. As he separated his lips from hers, he kissed her jaw, eliciting whimpers from her, descending with kisses slowly, heightening her arousal, with his hands caressing her breasts, rubbing her nipples, thus turning her whimpers into moans.

"Keep going, son." Valka said between moans.

Hiccup, when he heard her calling him son, his blood started burning as hot as the fire of a Silver Phantom, yet as sorely tempted as he is to take her now and then, with his erection begging for it, he composed himself because he wanted this night to be special. So he kept ghosting kisses in her belly, while his hands were on her breasts, yet he stopped for a moment to watch her sex, being in awe how aroused she was for him and with his right hand, with his left hand still cupping her left breast, he ghosted his fingers around it and inserted them inside her, slowly pushing in and out, only to take them out in the brink of her orgasm.

"Do I provoke this effect on you?" Hiccup asked coyly.

"For the love of Odin, stop teasing and take me." Valka said panting.

"As you wish...milady."

Hiccup sustained his weight with his left hand, while he used his right to guide his cock to her sex and slowly got inside her, with Valka entangling her legs around his waist and arms around the back of his neck, his forehead resting against hers, while she moaned his name repeatedly.

As he started moving in and out, sustaining his weight with his hands, which are on either side of her head, making her moan in pleasure, with her gaze having a mix of both lust and love, a gesture he reciprocated, warming his heart to see how compenetrated they are, not only physically and mentally, but also sexually.

But suddenly, Valka switched positions, with her being on top of him. She took her time to admire his slim frame, so similar to her own. Coyly yet with playfully perverse intentions, she wasn't moving and touched her body with her hands, self inducing herself into moaning.

"I didn't know you had this playful side in you and pleasantly surprises me."

"That's for what you did to me earlier." Valka said playfully between her moaning.

"At least I am not boring." Hiccup answered on a teasing tone, in a mirror of their first meeting.

Spurred by his words and feigning to have her pride prickled, Valka started rocking her hips back and forth, fueling the fires of passion between them, with Hiccup not only moving his hips upwards, but also his hands, which are climbing her legs, moving to her hips and up to cup her breasts, causing her to arch her back and head while moaning loudly, her mind fogged by the intensity of their passionate encounter.

Hiccup leaned up to suck on her nipple, hands resting on her hips, a dark mirror of him breastfeeding as a baby, as she kept rocking and bouncing until he reached his orgasm, only holding himself back because he was waiting for her, who felt also a coil in her stomach, a prelude of her impending orgasm.

"Together." Hiccup and Valka thought at unison as they orgasmed together, both of them roaring like dragons. They fell into their bed together, with his cock still inside her. As she lifted off him, both were looking at the ceiling, panting and sweaty.

"That was....fantastic, for a feral, crazy vigilante dragon lady." Hiccup said while he pants, looking at Valka.

"Hey!" Valka said panting as she returned his gaze, hitting his chest playfully. "I made you fly."

"You are so beautiful, inside and out."

"So are you. I am totally and madly in love with you."

"The feeling is mutual, Mom."

Valka cuddled with Hiccup, with her head resting on his chest as he wrapped them both with the thick furs of their bed, sleep overtaking them both, content with the night of passion they spent together.

[ioifan]

since brokeback mountain is gaining a bit of attention on social media again and i have grown to love instead of cringe at my old writing i would love to share a piece of review i did in my sophomore year of college for my film class!

The 2005 film Brokeback Mountain, directed by Ang Lee, features lead actors Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger in career solidifying roles that challenge viewers to reconceptualize what it means to be a modern cowboy. Though stereotypes serve as the vehicle in which the characters Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) and Jack Twist (Gyllenhaal) are introduced to the audience, the ideas of love and shame are stripped of normalcy because identity and the complexities of life are brought into focus instead of heartbreak. Though the timing for this film’s release may not seem out of place historically, cowboy culture was left shocked and bewildered.

Though Brokeback Mountain tackled subjects unremarkable when examined independent from one another, it became a perfect storm of uniqueness. Jack and Ennis meet after taking on a job for the summer, herding sheep on Brokeback Mountain. The days were hard and exhausting, as to be expected of the job, but the solitude of the mountain allowed the two men to form their own sphere of existence. This unexpected bond awkwardly awakens feelings for each other, rapidly evolving into something more than friendship. The summer ends with isolated lovers parting ways, back to reality where Ennis is set to marry a woman (Michelle Williams), while Jack moves on to work the rodeo circuit, finding a bride of his own (Ann Hathaway). As the monotony of marriage erodes each character’s misplaced hope for contentment, hope seems trivial and unwarranted; life is simply “life”. However, married life finds relief when Ennis receives a letter from Jack, wanting to see him again after four years pass. The mountain seems to deceptively tether Jack and Ennis to true intimacy. Deception wears many faces in the years to come with everyone playing victim and villain alike. It seems as though all spouses want to ignore what happens on the mountain, but marriages are not innately built for four to endure and leave unharmed. Ennis and Jack have their own form of true intimacy, bar beyond the confines of sex and monogamy; as such, breakdowns and fights replace passionate with grief. Each encounter is more devastating than the last, simple yet complex.

Brokeback Mountain has been on my watchlist for years, but never found time for. It is definitely a film I wish I had taken the time to view sooner, but wish I had known how hard it would be to watch more than once. I cannot un-know how violent beauty can be, how beautiful a cold mountain can be. Brokeback Mountain shocked me thoroughly, even after the third viewing. There was always something that made me gasp, close my eyes as though each seen plastic, and cry for fictional characters who walk among the living. Maybe I am just an emotional person, but it is more likely that this film was perfectly juxtaposed between hope and trauma. Ennis was always very violent, picking fights with people he would randomly meet, with Jack, and even with himself. Ledger seems to have a legacy of pain, both in his craft and personal life. I am not sure you can fake that level of profound pain. I no longer think of Ledger as an acting genius, but addicted to the drug of self-deception. He knew he was unhappy with his life and longed to be with the person he was intrinsically bound to, his daughter Matilda. Ledger was a tapestry of art and real life. Always unraveling, life never holds anything constant except uncertainty. Ennis was just a cowboy who tried his best to play the part he knew; Ledger ‘s life seemed to follow suit.

Gyllenhaal deserves praise for his take on Jack Twist, but I did not go to bed thinking about his place in my bewildered psyche. Identity moratorium was sadly inevitable after viewing Brokeback Mountain, though I see little of myself in each character..

Ennis seemed to be a shell of a “family” guy- the broken cowboy with a heavy heart. I feel every ounce of being a teenager with far more levity. Jack, on the other hand, was ready to take love in all forms presented, yet never at all. Jack embodied the rodeo to Ennis’ mountain. Jack may have offered Ennis love, proclaiming his desire to spend the rest of his life with him, desperate for passion and validation. Though the men may have loved one another, reality cannot replace the abiding intimacy afforded by the mountain’s protective bubble. My experience with Brokeback Mountain was heartbreaking, to say the least. Never being able to be with the person you truly connect with is terrifying as though the world is never on your side.

I thought the cinematography done by Rodrigo Prieto was perfection. Always beautiful and well suited with daunting openness. In the beginning of the film when Jack and Ennis are herding sheep for the summer, the mountains of Brokeback are gorgeous. It was surrounded by tons of greenery, horses and sheep. Blue and starry skies. Everything you might think a cowboy would want in the mountains of Brokeback. It fit the blossoming love that was in the very beginning stages of Jack and Ennis’ relationship. It was fresh and young and something you get butterflies seeing on screen. Every time they went back to Brokeback and the same skies were there and it reminded me of when they were once young cowboys.

Do I think this film is suited for everyone? No. This is far from a romance film about cowboys who have a dramatic love story. Terrifying beauty is not everyone’s cup of tea. Do I think everyone should see this film? Yes, even if it is just once. This film is a journey and can hold cumbersome power over you. I see why this film is iconic, not only for the LGBTQ+ community, but for film in general. From the cinematography to the plot, if you are into layers, you would be able to understand the themes of Brokeback Mountain are human, not sexual. Ennis is seemingly still alive in this review, as I cannot quit this film, no matter how much I try.

[spacebetweenheartbeats]

to all the boys i loved before: two

he was my classmate. he was one of my best friends. he was also my first love - still is.

dear ayush bhatt - where do i start with you?

i will do my best to write about him, to make you know and love him as much as i did, but forgive me if i fail to do so. he shines as bright as the sun - and i might be unable to capture his brilliance with my words alone.

i met him seven years ago, in fourth grade, but we only talked two years later, as two ambitious sixth graders hoping to achieve great things in this world. despite belonging to the same section, and the same friend group, we'd never talked before. shocking and unbelievable, but true.

we sat together at school, and we quickly became the best of friends; we were both witty, shared a lot of interests and i thought he was one of the most charming people i'd ever met - still is. i'll never get over how quickly he wormed his way into my heart, even if as a friend.

he quickly became my best friend - he was smart, and kind and was willing to listen. he probably didn't understand much as to why i was so worried about the way i looked or my diet at age eleven, but he'd listen. and that's what i wanted. i wasn't looking to be judged or given advice, i just wanted someone who'd let me ramble for hours.

somewhere between the shared lunch hour and the whispered conversations to avoid being caught by the teachers, i fell in love with him.

if you've ever heard the quote - 'i fell in love with him the way you fall asleep; suddenly, and then all at once' - it would be apt for my situation at the time.

i don't even know how he wormed his way into my heart, but he did. i'm willing to bet it wasn't even that hard for him - he probably just smiled at me the way he always did, like we had a secret nobody else knew, and i fell.

i kept quiet throughout the year, of course - it was 6th grade, and everybody was confessing to their crushes. if he had rejected me, i don't quite think i could have dealt with the fallout and the ruination of a friendship i held so close to my heart.

and then we got shuffled, and we stopped talking.

we both made new friends, and our promises of remaining friends and eating lunch with each other and exchanging books soon fell by the wayside. we drifted apart - while we still said hi and exchanged small talk, our previous closeness had been eroded. he had new female friends, i had new male ones.

it was ok. i dealt with it the way you'd deal with a handicap - by ignoring it and working your life around it. i stopped going down shared corridors, choosing to go by the longer path - stopped going to the basketball grounds because i knew he's going be there, excelling as he always did at basketball. i hid away in the library, or in corners of the school nobody frequented.

in 2020, i made the decision that i would put him behind in my past and leave him as nothing more than a good memory. and then the lockdown hit.

the lockdown in india made it a lot easier to strengthen that decision. there were online classes, and we didn't see or talk to each other during that two year period. for all purposes, ayush bhatt and mira harris were no longer, and had never been anything.

when schools reopened for tenth grade, he wasn't the first thought on my mind. he was maybe the fiftieth or sixtieth, no one's counting. and then i saw him at school, and it hurt.

he'd grown taller - before, i was taller than him, and always made fun of him for that - and while his height changed, his smile hadn't. it was still beautiful, and it still bewitched me and made my heart ache for the things and time i'd lost.

i saw him around after that - we assumed the relationship of two acquaintances who were friendly enough with each other. every time i saw him, it would feel like somebody kicked me in the gut and the air had left my lungs and i'd have to start taking deeper breaths because i didn't want to cry in front of him.

i didn't have to worry about that after a while - the board exams happened, and we stopped talking completely. no time to - we were constantly studying, and revising and trying to do our best. we both did well, of course - he scored a 100 in math and 93.8% overall, and i got 94%. and now i've left school for fiitjee (derogatory), and he stayed back at school.

where are we now?

i know you probably expect us to have stopped talking completely. this is supposed to be a post about the one who got away, a boy i used to love before and miss to my heart's content.

but we haven't.

we still talk, over emails. ridiculous, but true - it takes nearly two weeks for him to respond to any of my mails, but he does reply. we talk about our lives - four years ago, i used to know a lot of things about him. i know that he got into playing chess, got sucked into the iit dream, and got a girlfriend. now, he knows quite a lot about me; my depression, dislike for MPC and the little things that make my life worth living.

i don't think he knows he's one of them.

i love him even now. he'll never know i loved him, or still do - to him, i will be a casual friend he drifted away from, and nothing more than that.

he's a little like the sun. he shines so brightly, i can't even look at him without flinching - and he's not mine to belong to, because the sun belongs to nobody. i don't regret any moment of it - i'd do it, live 2018 all over again if god let me.

maybe i will meet him in person again. maybe in another universe, i'll fall just as hard as i did in this one.

i love you. i'll find you in another universe.

[edenfenixblogs]

This is truly art because it elicits an emotional reaction. It’s a good example of art, because the emotion it elicits from me is extremely complex.

It reminds me of people with whom I’ve drifted apart for a variety of reasons in recent and more distant seasons of my life. I feel sorrow and nostalgia but also hope and love. And in some cases, disgust, which is reflected well in somewhat rotted appearance of the center.

It reminds me of the fragility of human connection in its thin, papery dried petals.

It makes me laugh in its simplicity and meme-like format. The modernity of the presentation with the timelessness of flowers with the inescapable past-tense of the dried and dead aspect is genuinely a little heartbreaking and very thought provoking. It reminds me that the things I’m feeling when I look at this are as ancient as they are present.

I feel guilt about how it makes me miss some people I wish I’d kept in touch with more. I feel shame and rage at how it makes me think of people I miss, because my memory recalls how it felt when things were good with them, despite knowing how toxic things had become by the end. I’m envious of that bit of memory that gets to remain Peter Pan in Never Neverland—never having to confront its future which is now my past. That part gets to be oblivious of the things that eroded trust and love enough to make that person a stranger.

It reminds me of non-human creatures I miss and yearn for—childhood pets, a beautiful hummingbird that used to linger outside my window, the wild creatures I saw on my drive through the country in fourth grade but that aren’t native to my area or anywhere I have lived, the fly to whom my preschool classmate gave a name and insisted was now a part of our friend group because she loved every living thing… The fly is long gone. But our friendship remains between that classmate and I. She is now my oldest friend, and her children are the age we were when we met.

It reminds me of lifeless objects and ideas filled with nostalgia—the orange VHS tapes of 1990s Nickelodeon movies, the smell of the fake raspberries in a spoon I used to feed my baby doll, the intoxicating scent of sunscreen and wet chlorine on my skin during summer days at the community pool, and the golden gold ball bookmark I would purposefully steal from my great grandfather’s books, making him lose his place. He always made a great show of being annoyed, because he really did lose his place. But he couldn’t stop smiling because I was a mastermind and my giggles infected him. I’ve lost him long ago. Sometimes my bookmarks fall out of my books at the most inconvenient times, and in my soul I know he is behind it and cackling from heaven. I listen mostly to audiobooks now and sometimes I feel myself drifting off to sleep when I listen to them in bed. But I always catch myself and turn the audio off and switch to podcasts. And I send a small silent prayer upwards to him “Not today, Grandpa. But I love you, too.”

I’m a writer. I’m good with words. I think words can be art. But I love visual art. I love that I can look at this image and see all of that. And that someone else can see an entirely different essay of inner monologue when they look at it.

There is a lie that struggle makes good art. But that’s not true. People with something to say make good art. These next few years will be hard. And your priority must be to take care of yourself and survive. But if you have things to say, whether through words or other art, please know that taking the time to say them is important. It’s important you release those thoughts and ideas, even if you don’t know how to articulate them in words. And it’s important you know that people like me are listening.

I love you. Thanks for the art.

[relationshipreboot]

Understanding Narcissistic Trauma Narcissistic trauma refers to the psychological and emotional damage experienced by individuals who have been subjected to narcissistic abuse. Narcissism, characterized by an excessive need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, can manifest in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, friendships, and familial bonds. Individuals with narcissistic personality traits often engage in manipulative and controlling behaviors aimed at maintaining their sense of superiority and control over others. One of the profound impacts of narcissistic abuse is the erosion of self-esteem and identity in the victim. Narcissists employ a range of tactics, such as gaslighting, belittlement, and emotional manipulation, which leave their victims doubting their own perceptions and worth. Over time, this relentless psychological warfare can lead to a significant decline in the victim's self-confidence and a distorted sense of self. Victims often find themselves questioning their reality, feeling isolated, and experiencing a pervasive sense of inadequacy. https://youtu.be/sSM0HAYAdts Typical behaviors of narcissists include a constant need for validation, a tendency to exploit others for personal gain, and an inability to handle criticism. They may display charm and charisma initially, making it difficult for victims to recognize the underlying toxicity. As the relationship progresses, the narcissist's true nature emerges, characterized by emotional volatility, entitlement, and a lack of genuine concern for others. These behaviors can have a devastating impact on victims, leading to feelings of confusion, helplessness, and chronic stress. The psychological toll of narcissistic trauma is substantial. Victims may experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The chronic exposure to manipulation and emotional abuse can disrupt the victim's ability to trust others and form healthy relationships in the future. Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and its effects is crucial for victims to begin the journey of reclaiming their lives and rebuilding their sense of self. Recognizing the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Narcissistic abuse often manifests through a series of subtle yet insidious behaviors that can severely impact one's mental and emotional well-being. One of the primary red flags is manipulation, where the abuser exerts control over their victim through deceptive or coercive tactics. This can include lying, twisting facts, or playing on the victim's emotions to maintain dominance. Another common sign is gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser makes the victim question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. This tactic is particularly damaging as it erodes the victim's self-confidence and ability to trust their own judgment. Statements like "You're too sensitive" or "That never happened" are typical examples of gaslighting intended to distort the victim's sense of reality. Emotional invalidation is also a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. The abuser dismisses or belittles the victim's feelings, making them feel unworthy or irrational. This can manifest in phrases such as "You're overreacting" or "You shouldn't feel that way," which serve to undermine the victim's emotional experiences and create a sense of dependency on the abuser for validation. Other abusive tactics include isolating the victim from friends and family, financial control, and verbal abuse. These behaviors often go unnoticed initially as they can be masked by periods of charm and affection, making it difficult for the victim to recognize the pattern of abuse. The abuser may also use intermittent reinforcement, alternating between cruelty and kindness, to keep the victim off-balance and more susceptible to control. Recognizing these signs is crucial for anyone experiencing narcissistic abuse.

Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your life and seeking the necessary support and resources to heal. Understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse can empower victims to break free from the cycle and begin the journey toward recovery. The Emotional and Psychological Impact Narcissistic abuse leaves profound emotional and psychological scars on its victims, often resulting in a complex array of symptoms that can persist long after the abusive relationship has ended. Survivors frequently grapple with anxiety, manifesting as persistent worry, fear, and a pervasive sense of impending doom. This heightened state of alertness can make everyday activities feel insurmountable and can lead to physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, sweating, and insomnia. Depression is another common repercussion of narcissistic trauma. The relentless emotional manipulation and devaluation tactics employed by narcissists can erode a person's self-esteem, leading to feelings of hopelessness and despair. Survivors may struggle with a lack of motivation, pervasive sadness, and in severe cases, suicidal ideation. The emotional rollercoaster inflicted by narcissistic abuse can leave individuals feeling isolated and misunderstood, compounding their sense of worthlessness. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is also prevalent among those who have endured narcissistic abuse. Flashbacks, nightmares, and severe anxiety triggered by reminders of the trauma are hallmark symptoms of PTSD. Survivors may find themselves avoiding situations or people that could remind them of the abuse, further restricting their ability to lead a normal life. Hypervigilance, irritability, and difficulty concentrating are also common, making it challenging to engage fully in personal and professional endeavors. Feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt are deeply ingrained in the psyche of narcissistic abuse survivors. The constant belittling and gaslighting can lead individuals to internalize the abuser’s negative perceptions, resulting in a diminished sense of self-worth. This internal struggle can hinder personal growth and make it difficult for survivors to trust themselves and others in future relationships. Understanding the emotional and psychological impact of narcissistic abuse is crucial for validating the experiences of survivors. Recognizing the seriousness of these effects underscores the need for compassionate support and effective therapeutic interventions to help reclaim their lives and foster healing. Steps to Reclaim Your Identity Reclaiming your identity after experiencing narcissistic trauma is a crucial journey towards healing and self-discovery. One of the foundational steps in this process is setting boundaries. Establishing clear and firm boundaries can help protect your emotional and mental well-being. It is essential to communicate your limits assertively and maintain them consistently, even if it feels challenging at first. This practice not only safeguards your space but also reinforces your self-worth. Rediscovering personal interests and passions plays a significant role in reclaiming your identity. Engaging in activities that you enjoy and that make you feel fulfilled can reignite a sense of purpose. Whether it's picking up a hobby you once loved, exploring new interests, or dedicating time to creative pursuits, these endeavors can help you reconnect with your authentic self. It’s important to prioritize these activities and give yourself permission to enjoy them fully. Rebuilding self-esteem is another critical component. Narcissistic trauma often leaves individuals feeling devalued and insecure. Practicing self-compassion and positive self-talk can gradually rebuild your confidence. Celebrate small victories and acknowledge your strengths. Surround yourself with supportive and encouraging people who affirm your worth and contribute positively to your self-image. Emphasizing self-care is paramount throughout this journey.

Self-care encompasses physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in regular exercise, maintain a healthy diet, and ensure you get adequate rest. Moreover, take time for relaxation and activities that bring you joy. This holistic approach to self-care fosters resilience and aids in the overall recovery process. Personal growth is an ongoing aspect of reclaiming your identity. As you navigate through these steps, reflect on your experiences and learn from them. This reflection can lead to profound personal insights and a deeper understanding of yourself. Embrace the journey of growth, and allow yourself to evolve and transform beyond the trauma. Seeking Professional Help Recovering from narcissistic trauma is a complex process that often necessitates professional intervention. Seeking expert assistance is crucial in navigating the intricate emotional and psychological aftermath of such experiences. Various therapeutic approaches can significantly aid in the healing journey, providing survivors with the tools needed to reclaim their lives. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective forms of therapy for individuals recovering from narcissistic abuse. CBT helps survivors identify and challenge negative thought patterns, fostering healthier ways of thinking and behaving. By working with a trained therapist, individuals can learn to reframe their perceptions, ultimately reducing the impact of past trauma on their current life. Trauma-Informed Therapy is another beneficial approach. This type of therapy acknowledges the profound effects of trauma on a person's mental and emotional state. Trauma-informed therapists are trained to create a safe and supportive environment, helping survivors process their experiences without retraumatization. This therapeutic model emphasizes the importance of understanding the context of the trauma, promoting a holistic recovery process. Finding the right therapist is a critical step in this journey. Survivors should seek professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse and trauma recovery. It's important to research potential therapists, read reviews, and consider their qualifications and therapeutic approaches. Personal rapport and a sense of trust are also essential; the therapist should make the individual feel understood and supported. In addition to traditional therapy, support groups can offer a sense of community and shared understanding. Engaging with others who have faced similar challenges can provide emotional validation and reduce feelings of isolation. These groups, often facilitated by therapists or trained professionals, can be a valuable supplement to individual therapy. Ultimately, seeking professional help is a pivotal step towards healing from narcissistic trauma. With the right support, survivors can rebuild their self-worth, develop healthier relationships, and reclaim their sense of agency and well-being. Building a Support System Recovering from narcissistic trauma is a challenging journey that necessitates the establishment of a robust support system. The importance of surrounding oneself with compassionate and understanding individuals cannot be overstated. Friends and family who are empathetic and non-judgmental can provide a safe space where one feels heard and validated. It is essential to communicate openly with them about your experiences and needs, ensuring they comprehend the complexities of narcissistic abuse. Equally crucial is the role of professional support. Seeking therapy from a licensed counselor or psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery can be immensely beneficial. These professionals are equipped with the tools and strategies to help you navigate the emotional aftermath of narcissistic trauma, fostering a path toward healing and resilience. Beyond personal connections, support groups offer a valuable resource in the healing process. These groups, whether in-person or virtual,

connect individuals who have endured similar experiences, providing a sense of community and mutual understanding. Participating in support groups allows survivors to share their stories, gain insights from others, and build a network of solidarity. This collective healing can significantly boost one's confidence and sense of belonging. The advent of the internet has also paved the way for online communities and survivor networks. Forums, social media groups, and dedicated websites offer platforms where survivors can exchange advice, share experiences, and offer encouragement. These online spaces can be particularly beneficial for those who may not have access to local support systems or prefer the anonymity that the internet provides. Engaging with these communities can help mitigate feelings of isolation and provide continuous support regardless of geographical constraints. Maintaining these relationships requires effort and commitment. Regular communication, empathy, and mutual respect are foundational to fostering healthy and supportive connections. It is also essential to set boundaries and recognize when a relationship may be more harmful than helpful. By thoughtfully building and nurturing a support system, individuals can reclaim control over their lives and move forward with strength and confidence. Recovering from narcissistic trauma involves a multifaceted approach that prioritizes the development of healthy coping mechanisms. One effective strategy is the practice of mindfulness, which helps individuals stay present and manage overwhelming emotions. Techniques such as meditation, deep-breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation can significantly reduce stress and anxiety levels. By focusing on the present moment, mindfulness helps break the cycle of negative thinking often associated with narcissistic abuse. Another valuable coping mechanism is journaling. Writing down thoughts and emotions provides a safe space to process and understand one's experiences. Journaling can serve as a powerful tool for self-reflection and emotional release, allowing individuals to articulate their feelings and track their progress over time. This practice can also help identify patterns and triggers, which is crucial for developing long-term coping strategies. Physical exercise is equally important in the recovery process. Engaging in regular physical activity not only improves physical health but also enhances mental well-being. Exercise releases endorphins, the body's natural mood lifters, and can provide a sense of accomplishment and control. Whether it’s a brisk walk, yoga, or a more intense workout, finding a physical activity that one enjoys can be incredibly beneficial. Creative outlets such as art, music, and writing can also serve as effective coping mechanisms. These activities provide an alternative means of expression and can help channel emotions in a constructive way. Engaging in creative pursuits allows for exploration and release of inner turmoil, fostering a sense of peace and self-discovery. Ultimately, the key to developing healthy coping mechanisms lies in discovering what works best for the individual. Each person's journey to reclaiming their life after narcissistic trauma is unique, and it is essential to explore various strategies to find the most effective methods. By incorporating mindfulness, journaling, physical exercise, and creative activities, individuals can build a robust toolkit to navigate the aftermath of narcissistic trauma and regain control over their lives. Moving Forward: Embracing a New Chapter Reclaiming your life after experiencing narcissistic trauma is a profound and challenging journey, yet it is one that holds the promise of renewal and empowerment. Moving forward requires a conscious decision to embrace a new chapter, one that is unburdened by the shadows of past trauma. This new phase is an opportunity to redefine your goals, rediscover your passions, and rebuild your life with a fortified sense of self-worth and resilience.

Setting new goals is an essential aspect of this transformative journey. Begin by identifying what truly matters to you and what you want to achieve. Whether it’s pursuing a career ambition, nurturing personal relationships, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy, having clear objectives can provide a sense of direction and purpose. Break these goals into manageable steps to make them more attainable and to celebrate small victories along the way. Building a support system is equally crucial. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you, whether they are friends, family, or support groups. Positive connections can offer emotional sustenance and reinforce your efforts to maintain a healthy, balanced life. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed; therapy can be a valuable tool in navigating the complexities of trauma recovery and personal growth. Maintaining a positive mindset is vital as you move forward. Cultivate self-compassion and practice mindfulness to stay grounded in the present moment. Engage in activities that promote well-being, such as exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits. These practices can help mitigate stress, enhance your emotional resilience, and foster a sense of inner peace. Lastly, remember that reclaiming your life is a continuous process. Be patient with yourself and acknowledge that healing does not follow a linear path. There will be ups and downs, but each step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to your strength and determination. Embrace this new chapter with the confidence that you have the power to shape your future and create a fulfilling, joyful life free from the shadows of narcissistic trauma.

[matsukawamatt]

Melbourne

I said I probably wouldn't post here, and I don't plan on posting too much but figured I'd give a bit of a life update. I guess not so much has changed, but I have finally settled down in Melbourne -- a suburb called Blackburn -- and I am looking for work and trying to find my own peace and figure myself out. I'm not as depressed as I was, well, I AM depressed but just not so low. Its still pretty bad, objectively, but I think the low point may be past. I'm trying to find new hobbies and things I enjoy.

In the past few months I've been reading a lot. Not as much as I'd like to, as I can't really focus and my attention span has turned to shit, but reading nonetheless. My New Year's was pretty good and I had a lot of fun. I sort of just forgot the world around me and enjoyed myself for a while. Paid $200 for tickets to this 1920's themed party with burlesque and jazz. Talked to quite a few people and made some acquantainces. Two minutes before midnight a girl I was talking to, Sarah, probably mid-forties, asked me to make out with her for the new year. So I did just that. Pretty funny way to ring in 2024. I took a picture with the burlesque chicks, and "went outside for air", where I swiftly made my way back to the hotel so that I wouldn't have to give my number or contact info. Of course, I messaged Emily, as I have for the past 6 years (I messaged her Happy New Year even when I was with Katie last year, actually.) She responded a quick 24 hours later. I'm still pretty destroyed about this loss. I'm more distraught than I've ever been for the loss of any friendship or relationship. I guess losing Emily was something that I never prepared myself for. I think I've mentioned it before, but we spoke nearly every day for 6 years (minus the time with Katie, where it was very sporadic messaging). I still remember how upset she was when I opened up to her about my relationship with her. Maybe thats when our trust between eachother began to erode? I don't think I've told any person, woman or man, about as much as I have with Emily. For as long as I've had this Tumblr, she was there and we spent many long nights talking on facetime. I can't help but think of all of these pleasant memories. Unfortunately now, that is all over with. Maybe its just temporary, or maybe it is permanent, but at least I have our long-distance memories. I had hoped and prayed that we would spend this new years together, or really any part of Australian summer together, but I've accepted in the past few days that this is not going to happen. It can't really happen. I feel emotionless writing this, and I think that's a good thing. Up until new years, if I were to write this, I'd probably be holding back tears with each press of the keyboard.

I've come to also realize, or think, that I was actually nothing to Emily. We met in Melbourne at the Shrine of Rememberance once in 2017, and from then on we were in eachother's lives virtually. I don't believe I was ever real to her. As much as she would jokingly tell me she would marry me or loved me, I think part of me wanted that to be true. When she invited me to stay with her and told her family about me, especially the things her nan said to her, I really wanted things to happen with her. I thought she cared about me -- and maybe she does? I don't know. Maybe I've been too much. I have never been more certain of the fact that I am in love with this girl. I have been for years, and I think thats why I cut communication off when I was with Katie. In my heart, I knew I wanted her. And now that I'm in Australia, alone, and spending the holidays pretending it is just another day, I am forced to try not to think of her. But how is that possible? I tell everyone I came here to have a working holiday, but I can't help but truly feel that I came here to be with her. To spend time with her after all of those years of rhetoric. Its quite sad. I mean, she wouldn't even be open with me when we arrived in Parkes and she just got real... nasty. Again, no sense in trying to analyze any of this at all. It just sucks. The other day I got drunk and tried talking to her (on Christmas) I called and texted and she basically told me that this is why she needs space. I get it, but I was alone on a day that we had talked about spending together for years? How was I not supposed to feel anything? I don't think its wrong for me to want to talk to her? All of these things I'm writing should've been processed already and I fear I'm getting stuck in this loop. How long will I be stuck here? In most other relationships, I'd have moved on from most of this by now. But THIS long? Its not good. I think part of me wants her to be this bad person, but I KNOW she is not a bad person. Which leads me to believe that I am the problem. But, how? I've thought a lot about this and I know sometimes I am just too much, but I can't be the whole problem. I keep blaming myself. I even asked her if she could recognize that it wasn't all me that caused our falling out and she refused to admit any fault. Saying she had done nothing wrong in the past month and a half, since Parkes, but request space. I've given her space and then SHE reached out re-uninviting me to Christmas. I didn't talk to her for nearly two weeks -- and I know that doesn't sound very long -- but when you're in a country all by yourself, jobless, and homeless, there really isnt much else to think about. I fucked off around New South Wales for weeks, just waiting around to see what would happen with her. I was going to settle in Wollongong so that I could be close to her, and then this falls apart so what was the next plan? I had none. I just decided to come back to the city that made me most happy -- and unfortunately, that city is where I met HER. So she STILL remains on my mind. How fucked up is that? On a seperate point, my housemates are complete fucking weirdos, so thats great too. Well, Joel isn't so bad, but he's definitely a bit awkward. All I have to look forward to right now is finding some good stable work and my Noah Kahan concert on the 17th. I don't even have much interest in meeting anyone. I'm just real tired man. I need to take these social media detoxes seriously. I'm using Tumblr just for a seperate part of rambling and journalling so it doesn't even really count. I'd post some photos but I really can't be fucked to pick my phone up. Just sticking with the laptop for now. Will these posts ever get more positive? I need to figure this shit out man.

[omg26lilly]

I'm a pity oh what a deity 17/7/23

You feel the need to connect, when all I want to do is disconnect.

All my negatives are positives, vice versa, that i’m always thinking how do I frame all the words that burn on my tongue?

Yet expressing it just makes me want to run.

Whenever I get in a bad state, I name all the things i’m grateful for.

When I look at all the people that I knew, that are moving on, growing up, where am I?

While i'm just scrolling through your non existent life story, all the places you've been, all your personal information is just like clickbait. I'm sitting there left on read, you come back out of the blue, asking me who the hell are you.

I'm just there swipe left, right, hoping for a connection, there's just devastation.

I'm the person you pity, when you mum tells you i'm pretty.

The threads of conversation I Initiated, you were someone I was never supposed to meet. I tweet, I holler, it was fresh on the gram, everything went to plan, then you found out who I am.

I love the unpredictable moments where you meet someone for the first time, before they reveal their true colours and break everything you’ve ever loved.

Do I like meta, who is better?

It reminds me how everytime I think i’m over you, I can’t because your face is in every search bar, every picture I trace, all I smell is the distrust eroding from your lips.

Where is the envy, that I curse, I'm still hurt, why did you never call or text, I was the word pity. I just checked my friend request it was never denied, it wasn't accepted either.

i'm just left in the passages of your heart, people always leave, i'm not telling you to go, but why do I care?

I never told you how I felt, you never said goodbye, all I ever do is say hi. We're like creatures in the night, all we ever do is say goodnight.

Like everything i’d ever knew, why did I ever fall for you, the colour blue?

Your shades cover me, i’m smothered in regret, should I have fought, chased you through the night, would it give you a fright?

That's what i'm doing tonight i'm deleting our history, deleting my account, my prescription expired, I perspired.

I don't get the hype, what you say and how it's meant, aren't delivered, so return all the memories in a cinder, our friendship was burnt when you left.

Was I the girl you loved, when I was cute and pretty?

I threw that innocence away when you always got your way.

[reptileofdoom]

Why would you continuously DM someone at work? Even if social cues aren't really understandable, it truly does put a pressure on the other person when you say that you are having a anxiety attack because they didn't respond to you in a way that's clear to you. Just like you have a particular structure of communication, they too might have a particular structure of it. And in that structure, maybe the way they said it was thought to be enough of an assurance. Everyone is human and it is not always possible to think stuff through especially when the attention is diverted. You all also had an argument so that plays into how they are emotionally feeling atm too. I have a lot of things to say to you about what I have read till now but I still have to go through the whole of the first part of the call outand then there's the second part too.

This is not hate mail but I felt a compulsion to tell you this at least when I came to this part of the screenshot.

I didn't know she was at work. Also, panicked minds don't think clearly. I did say later "I'm not a fan of how anxious I got" which is true! Hence why after this incident I asked my doctor for pills.

Bear in mind though, the amount of times that Luna herself would blame anything she did on her stress, anxiety, mental health, basically anything she could. For me, this incident happened once. One time I asked a friend for support, then took steps to ensure I wouldn't have to depend on her again. What I did not show were the amount of times I had to console her, usually staying up very late at night to do so. (As mentioned, there is at least one panic attack at work I can clearly recall.)

Last of all: Luna had never expressed being at work as a boundary for texting. If she had, maybe I might've thought of it as a possibility and not texted so urgently. The only times, however, it would come up is in the context of "break is over, gtg".

Obviously I don't know who you are anon, but the highly specific response makes me think you might be parroting something she has told you as a result of this post. Which is fine, I've literally been there too lol. Just please take care of yourself if you're in contact with her <3 (Or maybe I'm totally wrong, in which case, I apologize.)

Edit: Forgot to add, but my post also literally mentions being guilted into continuing the friendship as a justification. I don't know if you read that part, but my mental health had been slowly but surely eroded. But even if I fucked up, did I deserve to be treated in such a way?

[yandere-toons]

Requests open, my time has come. Since you watched Green eggs and ham recently, may I ask for (yandere) hcs for Sam-I-Am? 👉👈 Please?

Yandere Sam-I-Am (Platonic & Romantic Headcanons)

Warnings: Emotional Manipulation, Toxic Mindsets.

A.N. – Watching season 2! All the new characters are open to requests.

Platonic:

For Sam, it is less about how the relationship truly is and more about how he wants it to be. He is never without his rose-tinted glasses when he looks at his friend and talks about them to others who most likely did not ask, seeing only their ideal version and performing mental gymnastics to find the bright side of any flaws. Sam fears the concept of having a serious argument and giving them a reason to not want him around, so he falters at the earliest signs of a disagreement and makes his preferences take a backseat to his desire for intimacy.

Faced with a life where most people have wanted nothing to do with him, Sam has doubts about his self-worth and is quick to change his opinions and repress some of his more energetic mannerisms if he believes it will earn the favour of those who he admires. He likes to mimic his friend in social settings both because he views them as infinitely more impressive than himself and because he thinks it will reduce the chance of conflict. Sam pretends that any harsh language in the relationship is nothing but banter, and he deflects it with playful remarks that sidestep the actual issue.

Sam ties together a series of elaborate stories about how the friendship is deeper and longer-lasting than it is in reality, which he distorts and defends to avoid considering that the affection may be one-sided or at least unequal. The basis for these tall tales is often as simple as a mildly kind gesture or any moment when he shared something with his friend, whether it was a laugh, a seat on the bus, or a plate of green eggs and ham. If Sam has to be away from them for whatever reason, he spends more time thinking about what their next meeting could involve than he does living his own life.

Romantic:

The people who find themselves in the company of Sam, be they friend, foe, or stranger, are subjected to constant speeches about the alleged greatness of his partner and just how mutual the connection is. He gushes about the adventures that he claims to have planned with them, and his genuine enthusiasm makes the delusions seem all the more real until the moment Sam returns to his partner with a packed suitcase and is met with confusion. To avoid admitting that he misunderstood a previous conversation in his eagerness to go on a vacation with them, he acts as if the trip has merely been postponed.

Sam devotes so much of his energy to building up the idea of the relationship that he tends to mistake his fantasies for the truth. He sets no boundaries because Sam expects the mere presence of his partner to fill his lifelong craving for companionship, and he is so desperate for this dream to come true that he makes it true by interpreting even the most basic politeness as proof. While a string of no's will begin with him searching for loopholes in anything that his partner says or does to confirm that they secretly care, frequent refusals to spend time with him leads to Sam losing much of his pep.

Sam has trouble respecting the boundaries of his partner because he sees any limitations as a sign that he has not tried hard enough to prove his trustworthiness. He bears every aspect of his life to them without shame or delay, hoping that they will find something about him to be likeable. If they reject him, Sam continues to appear multiple times a day and attempts to erode their resolve by asking the same questions about going to lunch with him and buying random gifts from street vendors until one elicits a positive reaction.

[enden-k]

Different anon but I would like to hear the friendship with Zhongli essay

ok so first of all, this is all own interpretation and stuff again! just my thoughts etc, mainly about childe crushing on zhongli, liyue story and all that

childes relationship with zhongli is different bc i like to think, while traveler is the first person ever he considers a friend, zhongli is the first person he actually developed feelings for in his life (feelings he never had and doesnt know how to deal with?)

(the sea that manages to erode the stone, the rocks that manage to calm down the wild currents of a river, childes entire personality, wild and violent and free like the sea, carrying darkness inside him as dark as the deepest parts of the ocean compared to zhongli, whos grounded and balanced and everlasting as the earth, shining bright like gold; childe who wandered through the deepest parts beneath the ground and zhongli who traveled through the heavens in his true form--- theyre contrasting but fit together quite well, you cant say thats not intentional. you could take it as some kind of rivalry between them, to make them such opposites, but stuff like the chopsticks zhongli gifted to childe,etc etc can tip this over from rivalry to attraction so easily. idk if i make sense)

just like childe didnt have the time or thought of having a friend in his life so far due to being a warrior at a young age already and being busy with his duties, he also never fell in love. admiration and love for his archon sure, since he admires her strength and for being a true warrior, but more on a family way since i like to think she considers her harbingers as her children. romantic feelings? nah, never. thats where zhongli steps into his life.

i think what childe finds attractive or admirable is a persons strength and their "warrior spirit", this is smth whats important to him anw. he considers the traveler a friend (i love the idea of childe treating traveler like a younger sibling) bc theyre strong enough to handle him, he admires the tsaritsa bc shes so strong, so, i can see him being attracted to someone who can beat his ass who is truly strong possible AJCBKJ

now, im sure even if zhongli calmed down and grew more balanced and patient and gentle over the centuries, you cant get the warrior out of his body and mind. the way he carries himself, moves, is aware of his surroundings, not to mention his build you can already guess hes fit, etc etc is already pretty telling - this man can fight (childe himself said in his voiceline about zhongli (before you finish liyue archon quest) that "theres far more to that man than meets the eye" and "as for the extent of his power... lots to look forward to, i think". childe is not stupid, he already knows zhongli is more than just a sweet polite funeral consultant; it takes a warrior to recognize a warrior huh, he already knows zhongli is capable of fighting) so i like to think that this is what childe got his eyes on (apart from the fact that zhongli is just. extremely beautiful and striking)

i also like to think that childe - even though it was his mission to steal his gnosis etc etc - is very fascinated by morax and hoping to fight him to see if he himself can keep up and to see not only a warrior gods but also an archons strength, all that (and then it turns out sweet zhongli is also powerful warrior morax and isnt that perfection for childe right there--)

anw, osial, jade chamber, identity reveal--

do you all remember how upset childe got, he was throwing a tantrum? he didnt even want to board the same ship like signora AKJSBC hes so sweet

i think he wouldnt be so upset about zhongli revealing his identity if he didnt care about him and that it was not only bc of the fact that zhongli kept it hidden from him (considering he was also playing a game and not just zhongli); he has feelings for someone only for that someone to turn out to not be the person he thought they were but someone else, i believe thats what upset him (apart from thinking he was just a pawn to zhongli)

the fact that childe didnt talk about zhongli in any way during his story quest and also labyrinth warriors is like, as if hes avoiding anything zhongli to clear his mind and later reflecting/understand his feelings--

if zhongli was of no importance to him, childe would not even consider reconciliation; zhongli would be just dead to him. hes actually giving a chance for them to reconcile despite the identity reveal - through battle, something childe is good at and something he knows morax as a warrior god is good at too, asking, offfering zhongli smth thats important to him (the battle with morax he didnt have like he had hoped) in exchange for reconciliation; as if to see if zhongli will take up on this, show him he cares for him too and not just used him as a pawn but simply did what he had to (which childe would understand, he also had to do smth he had to)

i did not finish the new archon quest yet but i already heard/saw that childe and zhongli are on a date are seen together somewhere, apparently? dunno if its actually in the quest or somewhere else, ANW this is the first time we see zhongli and childe together after the identity reveal (and im so happy) - childe is chilling on the railing and zhongli is stepping up to him; maybe its just me being me, overanalysing everything but its like zhongli is making the first step to, idk, everything

aaaa

well

i would write more but i think this is the main things i had in mind? im sorry if this doesnt make much sense or is phrased awkward (english is not my native language)

[shihalyfie]

Anytime someone brings up the ol "Takeru/Hikari shouldve been the leader" arguement i wonder if it's because how the dub made Davis unlikable + "Old good, new bad" mentality.

I feel like any take that implies Daisuke was only given the protagonist position because of goggle boy/shounen hero privileges is most likely heavily influenced by the fact said dub cut off so much of Daisuke's important role in 02's themes. 02 is about so many things at once that it's hard to condense it to one thing, but the reason for Daisuke being at the center is driven home during the series finale: while he's not necessarily the leader from a tactical standpoint (and I'd even argue the 02 group doesn't actually have such a figure), he's the "emotional center" of the group who represents everything the series is trying to say about connecting and communicating with others, moving forward from adversity, not focusing on unnecessary things, treasuring even the smallest bits of happiness, and being willing to go to others for help when you need it. He emotionally pushes everyone forward during a time everyone is taking in a very harsh emotional and psychological toll, and so it shouldn't be difficult to figure out why he's the center of the story -- but without that aspect, it's much easier to come off with a sentiment like Ken being the real protagonist of 02 just because more of the background narrative centered around him. It's true that Ken has plot beats around him, but his relationship to Daisuke and Daisuke's influence on him is an important part of his character story.

I don't think it's completely impossible to figure this out if you're only working from the American English dub version, since the plot is still fundamentally somewhat following the Japanese version, so some people were able to catch on that this was the intent -- but I would say a not-insignificant percentage definitely didn't get this impression because of how confused the issue got, or said "even if that was the intent, they never actually did it in practice" when the original Japanese version...did, to the point where "being a positive person who lives in the moment" should be the take-home you get from Daisuke, and the series as a whole.

The other significant thing is that I make a point of the distinction between writing genuinely positive and uplifting writing, versus writing what actually amounts to shallow "toxic positivity". It's very easy to take for granted that kids' show narratives will naturally talk about power of friendship and being optimistic, but if you just slap words like "be happy!" and "we're friends so it's okay!" on people's serious mental health problems, you're actually being callous, dismissive, and shallow, and I would say this kind of writing runs the risk of being more poisonous than not writing about positivity at all. So this is why stripping down the emotional depth (for humor purposes or otherwise) or overshooting Davis's behavior and making him too forgiving too early erodes the point that he made up for his lack of intellectual thought with being emotionally intelligent and insightful, fully understanding others' problems and giving them the right advice to help move on instead of just endorsing optimism for the sheer sake of optimism. Personally, I felt that the dub maintained enough of the Japanese version's plot points to not completely get into toxic positivity territory, but Davis's lines often go dangerously in that direction, and I can't say I don't understand why a lot of people attribute his better actions or personality traits to simply just being reckless or lucky.