#tocd

[me-you-and-my-medication]

How it feels when I'm stuck ruminating

[asaltysquid]

Relevant again this week damn.

Just musings on my OCD and the idea of being ripped away from yourself by your brain.

All people with ocd have my love but a special shout out to my fellow queer ocd havers whose brain decided to be an obsessive fundamentalist Christian about it.

[its-ticsticstics]

hi there :] i'm not sure if you're still active, but if you are, i had a couple questions about some things? i'm sorry in advance if any of my questions are insensitive or if i seem uneducated, i just don't know where to look for answers and despite my academic experience i'm awful at navigating scientific research articles lmao, so i figured i'd go straight to someone who has experience with these kinds of things yknow?

anyway, what is tourettic ocd? i discovered the term today and went down a little research rabbithole and it seems to align with a lot of the experiences i have that i just figured were symptoms of classic ocd (i'm not diagnosed with ocd, but it has been something i have been wanting to talk to my therapist about, but there's only so much you can cover in an hour every other week lol). is it a subtype of tourettes or a subtype of ocd or just its own thing? is it something purely neurological? i've seen a couple people say tourettic ocd is just tourettes, but that was on reddit so i don't completely trust that lmao. i was just really curious about it because the feelings and experiences described in what i read really resonated with me and aligns a lot with how i've felt while doing my rituals and compulsions since i first started developing what i believe are ocd symptoms years ago.

ALSO this is completely unrelated but can coprolalia develop from exposure to content containing explicit language? i ask this because my little brother has tourettes and even though he's 13 my mother shields him from a lot of explicit stuff and she will get upset and me and my other siblings if we accidentally expose him to stuff with cursing even if it's because he's eavesdropping or reading our phones over our shoulders. is this something she even needs to be concerned about? i ask this because she shelters him a lot because he's mid to high support needs and i'm concerned for his social development as someone who is neurodivergent and low support needs and still struggled with social things. i don't want him to suffer like i did, as dramatic as that sounds.

sorry for the long ask, and i'm sorry if i'm not very clear with my wording or questions, and if you answer thank you so much :)

Hey there!

So, Tourettic OCD isn't actually in the DSM-5 or the IDC-11 but there's research being done to identify TOCD as its own separate etiology from both just Tourettes and just OCD.

The symptoms recognized at the moment as TOCD include an earlier age of onset than seen in children who only have OCD, but a later age of onset of tics compared to children with pure Tourettes syndrome. In TOCD the tics are often prompted by a need to repeat actions or vocalizations until they feel 'just right' or have been done a set number of times. Typically those with TOCD have compulsions and rituals surrounding symmetry, repetition, and touching and tapping rather than compulsive handwashing and obsessive thoughts that more commonly characterize classical OCD.

Most interesting, there's a cortico-striatal-thalamo-cortical (CSTC) pathway connection in both OCD and Tourettes and the research implicates this pathway contributing to TOCD.

Since the research is ongoing, this is a complex topic but here's the most recent research on the subject if you'd like to read more yourself (x)

As for coprolalia, less than 10% of those with Tourettes have this particular type of tic and exposure to swearing definitely does not 'cause' someone with tourettes to develop coprolalia tics. Of course, those who already have coprolalia can be triggered by hearing swearing, but otherwise, there shouldn't be a need to worry :)

[squeakynoises]

i have this

shit sucks

my therapist said the way she describes it to people who don't have it is like keep ur eyes open and try not to blink and that's what it's like to have that kinda urge and like shes pretty accurate abt that at least 4 me

hello, I need second opinion on this: is it ocd if it is not hygiene related (like washing hands, showering obsessively), and this, everyone says that they feel that by not following rituals something bad will happen to their familes, or something similiar, but i have something different, it's just this overwhelming feeling that's juat screaming at me 'wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong..." until i do everything right. So is it ocd?

yeah. If you go through this blog you will see a lot of mentions of non-hygiene or germ related obsessions. Same with other OCD blogs on tumblr and most, if not all, OCD websites. A “bad feeling,” or no discernible obsession, accompanied by a compulsion is an OCD related behavior. Example: I have an overwhelming urge to touch the wall. I don’t have a specific thought in mind.  It just feels like I need to do it or it’s just... wrong. Feels wrong and bad. 

TOCD (tourretic OCD) often takes this form. The person does not have a specific obsession linked to the compulsion, but there are compulsions, and they are usually done over and over, so it looks kinda like a tic. To be clear, tOCD can be present while other types of OCD are present in someone at the same time or at different points in life, just like any other type of OCD. 

My tOCD feels like im almost buzzing (among other things). It’s a discomfort that is hard to describe. I have to do whatever thing my brain says until it “feels right” (just right OCD is not limited to tOCD and takes form in any "type” of OCD). There's nothing pushing me to do it besides the uncomfortable, almost unbearable feeling (if it wasn't so uncomfortable and unbearable, then I would be able to get rid of my OCD just by saying so, but obviously that’s not how it works). 

more on tOCD: http://www.behaviortherapycenter.com/

I hope that helped at least a little.

[colbyneal-blog]

Literal green

Tocd

Em

Literal column all tech and automation terms

Tutorial thru the literals

[rainingstringbeans]

I use girl as a trigger response to TOCD btw

[gibbearish]

i swear to god i had an ask about tocd and i cant for the life of me find it rn so if youre the one who sent that im sorry but tumblr has eaten it, however that's probably for the best because that is. definitely outside of my wheelhouse and a question for a licensed gender therapist. or normal therapist. really just whoever diagnosed you with the anxiety and depression and has training in differentiating between tocd and trans-and-in-denial. im always happy to offer advice but up close diagnostic stuff like that just. isnt something im qualified to do

[briannacabralll]

Birthday Blog #27

Dear world,

This is the third birthday that I've had to spend without my late fur son Reggie (Reginald) Mundo. I've done my best to figure out who I am when my identity was being Reggie's mom for the greater of nearly 13 years. 

There was a time when I mentally abandoned the girl I grew up being for the sake of escaping the pain that it was to feel that I couldn't be the same person who experienced the joy and profound love that was being your best friend, mom, and soul mate. Admittedly, the flirtation of escaping reality through identity fluctuation (and through a literal break in reality) was appealing when I believed it would be the fresh start to a new world, a new self, that I could begin in your painfully obvious absence.

These days, I've done the work to stop trying to escape who I am, heal my relationship with my natal sex, and reuse the femininizing language that was once used to describe me as your mother.

I loved the way you looked around left and right when our family would scream "Brianna!". But it began to hurt to hear my name when I knew I wouldn't be able to see your head pop up again looking for me on this tangible earth.

For a short time, following the year I lost you, I mentally existed outside of my natal sex, outside of my birth name, outside of a world that is grounded in reality. It was the only coping mechanism I could find at the time to help me through the process of losing you and trying to figure out the "me" that was supposed to exist without you. 

It pushed me to explore a world of cross sex hormones, surgeries, and body contours - all of which were cautiously denied to me - because it wasn't what I really needed to heal from the pain of losing myself without you (and it also would have been quite the drain on my pockets!)

I am now course-correcting, and seeking the proper treatments for the type of psychiatric issues that I do have. 

I now visit a psychiatrist, identity specialist, and general counselor to help explore the nuanced experience to the place I've found myself in life and treat my TOCD, BD, psychosis recovery, PTSD, & potentially many other issues. And, I cry. I cry because that's what I always should have allowed myself to do. 

I love you, for making me a boy mom, for making me the most grateful person, for teaching me unconditional love, for making me laugh, for enabling in me the profound emotions that a human could experience. 

[bluee-birb]

A post that will hopefully grant comfort for my fellow OCDer’s (because I need to tell myself this too).

It’s ok if it’s your OCD is debilitating today. It’s also ok if you haven’t been suffering from it for a while. It’s ok if you have a theme that has come back after you started recovering—recovery is not linear, some people might deal with these ups and downs for their whole lives. It’s gonna be alright. OCD is a bitch and a liar.

But your suffering is real. I love you. You’re going to be ok.

[its-ticsticstics]

i hate it when people think medication works as a ‘cure’ for everyone. 

medication helps manage my symptoms, you’re not going to see them magically disappear bc i took my abilify thats... not how it works!!! the medication just helps be to be able to use my coping skills to minimize my symptoms (from pain, to tics, to OCD, etc.,,). 

stop asking chronically ill/disabled people “but isn’t there a medication you could take to fix it?” 

just stop. we wish. 

[denpapyemul]

OCD REMINDER

I see a lot of people feel isolated, or like they're an exception to the 'OCD rules'. Reminder that, all these different subsets of OCD aren't different types of OCD. Like, HOCD (Homosexual OCD) is not a different diagnosis, it's just OCD. Real Event OCD? That's just a nickname; still just OCD! In reality, all these different 'types' are really just types of intrusive thoughts/obsessions. You're valid no matter what your 'type' is, and the treatment is always the same. CBT, ERP and SSRIs.

Side note: yes, you there with POCD, Real Event OCD or any identity manipulating obsessions, you still deserve to get better. Your OCD isn't special. It will tell you it is, but it's not. It's not unique, just a whiny little glitch in your mind.

[colbyneal-blog]

Every line

Detasphere components it

Subac em

Tey rocked?

Tocd

[asaltysquid]

Just musings on my OCD and the idea of being ripped away from yourself by your brain.

All people with ocd have my love but a special shout out to my fellow queer ocd havers whose brain decided to be an obsessive fundamentalist Christian about it.

[crayonurchin]

I’m in a weird spot right now.

Mentally, I am in a lot of pain.

My ptsd is... a lot.

My OCD doesn’t ever stop. It’s exhausting.

I might be transgender. I might have Transgender OCD. I have no idea. All I know is I woke up one morning and the thought I might not be a woman robbed me of everything feminine that I’ve loved so much, all the comforts of being a woman, even all the progress of loving my body I fought tooth and nail against an eating disorder to gain. Gone. Gone in a day. I’ve enjoying my gender for 25 years, and now I’m just... stuck. Stuck in a strange limbo of uncertainty and pain. I don’t know what I’m feeling, but none of it is good, none of it is relief it’s just pain and sadness and God I don’t know why this happened.

I am 25. That’s so young. But I’m terrified I’ve lived too long already to not be further. I’m afraid to confront that because what if I lose sight of all I’ve already achieved? All my progress and success. What if I’m doing things wrong? What if I am just. Wrong.

I’m fighting every single day to keep going forward. I can say even on my worst days, and this year I have had BAD days, that I always try to do the best thing for me. Sometimes that’s just, eating some food and drinking water. if I see I’ve not done it, I will do it. 

I will not be robbed of my chance to live a long, happy, healthy and wonderful life. I REFUSE to let that be kept from me by illness.

But it is just a lot. And nobody can help me but myself. That’s the lonely bit.

I am a lucky person. I live in a good home. I have a close family. My dad is just about the best person on earth. I have a best friend I can rely on. I have friends online and in real life who I know will help me if I ask for it- or will hang with me. My therapist has done incredible things that have changed my life forever. I have good physical health. I’m talented, determined, passionate.

But I am also very, very ill. And I have been ill for a very long time now, even if I didn’t know it. Developing OCD at 12 and still having it at 25 is upsetting. Sometimes it feels like there’s an element of life I’m being kept from by this. A happier, less stressed, less sad side of life. One that everyone things I'm a part of because I’m right beside them, but not one I’m actively experiencing. 

When I was 16, I told myself I would never be mentally ill. And now, it feels like all I am is mentally ill. I want to be happy again- a real kind of happy. One I don’t have to fight for, or force, or fake and hope I make.

I’ve told myself I’m broken for a long time. That there’s a little me that’s normal deep down inside, but she’s covered in a dark shadowy static, totally encased in all the darkness and pain, and the only reason nobody else can see that is because I craft a careful skin on top of the static, because I don’t want people to think that’s who I am. I want people to think I’m the person I want to be. I want to be that person...

My therapist is encouraging my to change that language, to CHOOSE it to be different. Because I know I'm not broken. All the things I am are just me. And yes, I have hated myself for years, but that doesn’t mean I’m hatable, it doesn’t mean anything.

I am Jess Butcher. I am a 25 year old woman, and if I’m not that’s okay. I like spicy food and sour flavours. I list colours to calm down. I paint my nails because I like painted nails. I find people amazing gifts. I compliment strangers on tiny things because I love making people smile. I make characters and stories and huge worlds and I can share them with people. A couple months ago I was having suicidal ideation and I did a 5 hour party for 6 children, and those children all loved it and I was happy they did. I’ve spent thousands on therapy because I am worth the effort. I have cried an ocean of tears all because you have to feel it to heal it. I refuse to avoid my pain because I don’t deserve to hold it in, I deserve to laugh and to love and to enjoy every little part of our little blue dot. I love women, I love their beautiful bodies and incredible brains and gorgeous voices and the way their soft arms wrap so warmly around you. I’m full of so much potential and words I don’t have right now because it’s late. It’s late and I have work in the morning and all day I have been trying to live in the moment but I’ve been in so much pain. It hurts so much and I don’t know when it’s going to stop but it’s GOING to stop. Not because it magically went away but because I worked hard to overcome it. Nothing will ever stop me from that. NOTHING. Not even my own mind.

Because I am me.

And that’s incredible. 

[jewish-american-boy-toy]

I have the combined experiences of being chronically ill and referring to my body as a separate entity to myself and being neurodivergent and referring to my brain as a separate entity to myself. Who am I? Listen I dunno but these bastards aint it 

[777horns333rats]

trans OCD, doubt, and the internet

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties : https://qr.ae/pNikpp