#transition the process to them! permanently!

[zoldyckd]

need my back broken. literally. decompressing isn’t enough wjdjdjdj

[mo0nfairy]

ᥫ᭡ .  #  ۫  ,  ⸺  A HOUSE IN NEBRASKA  !  

summary :: mike schmidt did not realize the weight of his mistake before it was too late. when he had first met you, his baby sister's beloved teacher, he couldn't imagine ever leaving you. with his aunt's demands to see her niece, however, he had no choice. now, a year later and two states over, everyday is spent suffocating on misery and memories. mike does not know how much more of this he can endure before he breaks.

word count :: 9.2k.

content warnings :: obsessive!mike, yandere!mike, fnaf movie spoilers, drugging, kidnapping, violence, stalking, & insinuations of s3x.

mike schmidt's yandere traits are . . .

obsessive, paranoid, & nervous

──── Everything is hazy.

Fuzzy. Blurry. Serenity in its sheerest form. The absolute definition of tranquility.

That April morning in Nebraska. The scent of sugar and crayons, the sounds of children playing outside, the scattered toys left on rainbow carpets. You're sat at the desk in your classroom. Warm light bleeding through the window behind you, framing you with flowering leaves and sunshine.

Across the room, Abby Schmidt sits on the floor. Her small fingers tap the glass enclosure where the class pet is. Mr. Cupcake, your iguana. Or, as you like to refer to him, your teaching assistant. His claws plunge into his food dish, copper-colored eyes scrutinizing his surroundings. Abby watches as the reptile chows on the fruit and foliage left for breakfast.

Sitting in the chair opposite your desk is Mike Schmidt. Sweat beads on his forehead, ineluctably distressed beneath your gaze. The suit he wore for this occasion juts uncomfortably into his skin. His fingers fidget with the trim of his tie. He looks at the woven basket of exotic butters sitting on your desk, wondering why he had gotten you such an aimless gift.

Mike is quiet, as usual. Austere, his permanent disposition. Despite his tireless efforts to express his thoughts to you, the words remain nestled in his throat. Conjuring any syllable in your presence is impossible.

You, however, do not have any wavering confidence. You reiterate the legal documents obligatory for Abby's complete transition to a new school. Noting how all necessities are now in your possession (albeit languidly, as Mike has been painfully trying to buy more time here), the relocation was complete. The obvious insinuation of your words, however, brings crippling dread like no other.

The last time you would ever see one another. Your goodbye.

Standing to your feet, you make your way to Abby and bend down beside her. You will miss your star student, as you have a soft spot for all the children in your classroom. In the process, you do not take notice of the way Mike instinctively reaches out to you. He's sure your touch would kill him, but it does not stop him from wishing for it. Even just a sliver of the precious rarity.

"I think Mr. Cupcake is going to miss you." Abby looks at you with wide, curious eyes.

"Don't tell the others, but you're definitely his favorite." That earns you a smile before she averts her attention back to the iguana.

When you stand, you find Mike breathing down your neck. Horrifically, as this memory still haunts him, he thought it'd be a good idea to hug you. And he practically throws his entire body weight on top of you. When you reject him by placing your hand on his chest, offering a handshake instead, fire spreads with your touch. Knowing he will never know what it feels like to hold you close to him is more excruciating than he is willing to admit.

Abby skips out of the classroom, an adorable pep in her step. At the same time, every step Mike takes from you feels like walking through an avalanche. Dragging him backward, begging to return to you. Almost as if it were his instinct, his body is trying to reject his advances of leaving you.

"Why do you always look at them like that? Like... Like they're a dinosaur or something?"

Abby's question causes Mike's brows to furrow. His feelings for you were certainly discernible. Even his young sister had taken notice of the odd behavior. Had he made it that obvious? He answers her with a weak, affirmative grunt. Too emotionally fatigued to find words to speak.

A sudden flare of biliousness deluges through his body. The hallway walls adorned with children's paintings have morphed into a colorful blur of vertigo. The floors disturbingly stretch in size, making the journey away from you all the more torturous. The suit he had tried to wear confidently sticks to his hot skin. Nausea squirms in his stomach like a dying cockroach. The room begins to spin, lights sway in his vision, and his knees fight for balance.

Mike hears his sister shriek his name before he falls to the ground.

One year later, Mike wakes from this same dream, once again.

Every night of this past year, he has dreamt the same thing. Your final goodbye and the sheer impact it took on him. It is a gut-wrenching memory, but he welcomes the echo of you with open arms. To feel your hand on his chest, see your eyes looking into his. This yearning heartache is the only thing keeping him alive.

For the umpteenth time, Mike faces the harsh, violent reality of his current life. Now, he is somewhere in Utah. Praying straight to God he'll somehow wake up back in Nebraska. Where he could see you again, where he could be happy again.

Tearing the headphones of his Walkman off, the song he had played on repeat comes to an end. He rubs his sleepy eyes. With newfound clarity, Mike shifts his gaze upwards. Taped to the ceiling is a drawing Abby drew. It's of you and him beneath a flowery altar, Mr. Cupcake as your marriage officiant. The picture aids him in his efforts to feel closer to you.

Mike doesn't even know how he survived seeing the drawing for the first time. Someone else validating his feelings for you and the realness of your nonexistent relationship was too much for him to handle. Even if it is a child doing so through a frivolous drawing.

When Mike shuffles over to place his Walkman on the bedside table, he skims over the assortment of clutter left there. Several bottles of sleeping medication had been indolently thrown onto the surface. The pills help his dreams feel more real, as though he were at your side once again.

A glance over, Mike's heart wrenches at the sight of the picture frame. Beside the mess of pills is a photograph of you he had torn from Abby's yearbook. As if you were watching over him while he slept, reaching out to him in the presence of his dreams. It's a comforting thought of his, to imagine you watching over him. Like his personal guardian angel.

Surely, he would prefer to have you physically with him, instead of just relying on these fantasies to hold him over. His stomach flutters at the mere idea of you being in his bed with him. Mike feels empty without your warm weight beside him.

Laying against his chest, huddling up to him for an early-morning cuddle before the day starts. He would ensnare his blanket around your still-sleeping form. He'd press ardent kisses to the top of your head and inhale the aromatic scent of your signature soap. Massaging his hands across your back. Caressing the balmy flesh of your body. It is the physical manifestation of nirvana brought directly into his palms.

Mike shakes the thoughts out as quickly as they come. So cheesy... What on Earth is he doing?

Although he has tossed around the idea of giving in and leaving Abby in their aunt's care, what kind of man would you think him as if he abandoned his family? And if he were to take Abby back to Nebraska, Social Services would surely hunt him down. The mere idea of being locked behind a prison cell is terrifying, but the prospect of never seeing you again provokes terror like no other.

Mike's head pounds as these thoughts haunt him. Reveries of brighter days in your presence, trepidation of being separate from you forever — this is how every morning usually begins. His dreams nestled in a nightmare. The chaos in his head brings him to where this story had begun altogether.

February. Two months before the last time he would ever see you.

Jane had demanded Abby live with her in Utah, threatening legal action in the process. Mike had no other choice but to succumb to her orders. It had begun as a minor inconvenience, considering his life in Nebraska was futile to begin with. However, it would soon become the worst decision he has ever made. He knows he should have fought harder, but Mike hadn't met you until after he verified their relocation. It wasn't until he had stepped foot into your classroom for the very first time had he realized the weight of his mistake.

With the start of his shift at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza approaching, he struggled to bring these rampant thoughts to rest. Resentfully, Mike rises from his bed. The sun has begun to set and his unsatisfactory power nap has come to an end. He trudges over to the foot of his bed and begins his usual set of push-ups. Triggering adrenaline through his body is essential to his daily routine. It helps ease his brain from all the chaos. An area he is in dire need of assistance.

For a moment, his thoughts are blank. It is such an oddity, that Mike is left stunned. Having a silent mind is a privilege that is unknown to him.

And just when he thought he had found coherence, the memory of you comes sprinting at him from the shadows. Mere seconds of emptiness pass before thoughts of you invade his mind.

A week after your final goodbye.

His disposition has suffered from a harsh descent since then. Mike is now irritable and aggressive to anyone who even faintly nudges his buttons. Snapping like a feral dog. Rough like a calloused hand.

Acknowledging weakness has never been his strong suit, but Mike is not a fool when it comes to how he feels around you. The overwhelming nerves stirred together with unwavering devotion make for a sugary-sweet, poisonous concoction. Something he could get drunk off for years to come.

Although his mind is stained in consideration, he cannot storm through the school doors and take you with him to Utah. Merely standing in your presence is enough to make him stop breathing. Contriving an abduction, one that includes you, no less, would fail miserably. And as he stated before, the prospect of being stuck behind bars and never seeing you again provokes terror like no other.

So, he gives in. He resentfully gives in to what his Aunt Jane wants and goes about his life.

There was only two more weeks before he'd leave his job as security at the mall forever. Mike meanders through the large expanse, actively averting his gaze from all the happy couples. Hands held together, eyes brimming with adoration, feeding each other ice cream. It never fails to make him bitter, which he prefers to assume it is because of how sappy the sight is.

He wonders what flavor of ice cream is your favorite, the look in your eye as he feeds you a spoonful. What kind of sweet words you'd give him and the way you'd blush when he drowns you in adoration. Within the safety of his mind, he has molded himself into the man of your dreams. You will just have to look past all the sweat and nerves to find him.

A flicker of movement captures his attention. Something strangely familiar in his peripheral. When he turns, his breath gets caught in his chest.

His wide eyes stare at you. Standing alone across the mall.

All Mike can do is gawk. Like a newly-born fawn, staring goggle-eyed and weak-kneed as he takes in the sight of the world for the very first time. A gasp of your name parts from his lips. He sways in his stance like a boat on the sea, his body melts like snow beneath the sunlight. Stood still in place, he feels that familiar sense of light-headedness return. He embraces the dizziness as a comfort, this time around.

Mike could almost laugh at this. At the same time, he could cry his heart out.

Of course, your roads would intersect. Of course, you would find each other in the end. Even when he had fully accepted he would never see you again, you return to him. Like a cloud of happier days, here to hide the torment for all.

And then, he's interrupted.

Walking uninvited into the scene is a stranger. A man approaches you, daring to drape his arm around your shoulder. Mike's eye twitches as he watches. The stranger then plants a kiss on your cheek, something Mike has wished to do since the first time he stepped foot in your classroom. With this man's hands all over you, the two of you begin to walk away.

The word "heartbroken" was something Mike had never felt before. It was something he never understood. He only heard of the word through brainless movies, where he swore he'd never let himself fall apart like the dumb characters do. At this moment, however, that term is stamped all over him in thick ink. A vivid exhibition of all the good and bad you have done to him.

Without another thought, Mike takes a step. Then another. Before he is breaking into a full sprint toward the love of his life and the parasite latched onto them. It's as if a puppeteer was controlling him, grasping hold of his spine and snatching a fistful of nerves. He shoves past any shoppers in his way, a few losing balance and falling to the floor. His speed accelerates with every hastening step, growing closer and closer.

The stranger looks over his shoulder a second too late before he is tackled. The two fall into an adjacent fountain with a loud clamor. Mike's fist clenches, before it surges down into his face. Then, he does it again and again and again.

Again. Again. Again.

And again.

Grunting like an animal, Mike can't stop himself.

Fuck you. Fuck you. 

Fuck you.

Don't you ever fucking touch them.

It is blinding, how enraged he is. In a mess of blood and water. The mere thought of someone laying a finger on you boils red-hot rage like he has never felt before.

Someone ensnares their arms around him and drags him away from the mess he created. When the splashing water eases down to calm ripples, he finally looks over to you to ensure your safety and- who is that? A different person is standing there, utter horror plastered on their face as they watch the scene play out.

They have the same height, the same clothes, almost the same everything. But, now that Mike is able to scrutinize who he thought to be you, he realizes he was completely wrong. He had only formed a desperate personification of you from memory. What has he done?

The dread is soul-crushing as the weight of his mistake crushes him. Other bystanders watch in shock. Mike's fists are bruised red, his clothes are wet and stained with blood. What on Earth was he thinking!? All he ever wanted was to protect you! To protect you from men like that!

Mike's vision doubles and his body shivers. All he ever wanted was to protect you. The only thing he can think about is you and the sheer devastation you have rained down into his life.

This memory playing through his head is abruptly cut short. Mike is then forcefully shoved back into reality when his hand slips during his set of push-ups. He falls face-first into the carpet, grumbling from the harsh contact.

It is a vile memory to have, as it is the reason he lost his job at the mall and truly eradicated any chance of staying in Nebraska. However, it showed him how irrevocably devoted he is to you. How the feelings he has for you are completely and utterly real. Someone like him, who prides himself in being aloof and controlled, was capable of causing such calamity. All for your safety.

It was a terrifying revelation, but it soothed him in a way he had never felt before.

Michael Schmidt needs you.

And unfortunately, his feelings are not powerful enough to stretch into physical reality. Even though it feels as though they are capable of doing so, they cannot mold the world to bring him back to you. They cannot protect him from the inevitability of leaving his home and being dragged to Utah.

Now, he stands at the entrance of Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. Ivy grows amongst the bricked walls. Bright paint fades from years of neglect. Mike breathes in the scent of midnight brume as he unlocks the doors, trying once more to rid his brain of the thought of you.

The flashlight in his hands illuminates the inside of the pizzeria. Specks of dust permeate the air. Flashy arcade games are riddled with age. Toys on the prize shelf are covered in a blanket of cobwebs. The once gaudy carpets are caked with dirt. And those God-awful animatronics still stand on that rickety stage. Mike takes note of all these little things with a sigh. If this place was still alive today, he knows you'd adore taking your students here.

As his nights have been spent for the last year, he walks through the dilapidated establishment as usual. On the desk is a stack of chunky monitors displaying several angles of the pizzeria. The "CELEBRATE!" poster on the wall mocks him. He plops down on the adjacent swivel chair. The old fabric peels and the wheels whine from his weight.

Unzipping his ragged backpack, he grasps hold of the book he had taken with him, Dream Theory. Adjusting the headphones of his Walkman on his head, Mike then flicks the dog-ear over and resumes his reading.

God only knows how many times he has read this damned book. And every time he rereads it, he prays he can somehow find an anecdote for this torment. A magic step-by-step guide that will bring him back to you.

Despite perusing this book from front to back, he still searches for more. He hates being awake. He'd much rather be asleep, where he can return to you. Any second not spent with you, even if the moment is not tangible, is a second gone to waste. No matter what the circumstances are, he could only ever wish to be with you.

Lethargy hits Mike like a slap across the face. The book in his hands is now reminiscent of a brick. The song that plays on repeat in his Walkman soothes him like a mother's lullaby. All of these sensations embrace Mike; they pacify his brain and body of any unease. And with a few more leveled breaths, Dream Theory falls from his hands and he drifts off.

With a beat, he's woken up with a sharp gasp. This time, however, he does not awaken in the same dingy pizzeria. He finds himself sitting at a picnic table. Located in the very same forest he had lost his brother years ago.

Looking down, Mike finds he is dressed in the same hunter-green sweater and jeans stained with grass. His eyes scan around the expanse, searching for the faces of his family. He cannot find his mother, his father, nor Garrett. No one. Everything is to no avail.

There's a shuffle from behind him. He looks, only to find swaying trees and fluttering birds. And then, a voice.

"I'm sad to see you both go." The familiar cadence has Mike's head snapping back forward. He is struck with desperation.

There you are, sat across from him at the picnic table.

If it weren't for the campgrounds you were both at, this moment would be identical to when he first met you. In that same classroom, on that same day. Every mannerism and timbre of your voice is a picture-perfect copy of that moment. Same look in your eye, wearing the same clothes and bead bracelets your students made for you. Same everything.

It is a precious memory. To sit here with you feels so real, as though the heavens had answered Mike's prayers and brought him back to you.

"Abigail has always been a stellar student. I have no doubt she'll flourish in her new school."

Your smile makes his heart sink. Everyone always looks at him with anger. Not you, though. You're different.

"She does have a tendency to keep to herself. But, I think she'll adapt well to the new environment." He remembers every word from your mouth.

The emotions he was struck with when he first met you come back in a near-fatal rush. Irrepressible tension and rapture plunge through the barrier of his flesh. Practically a duplicate of the exact memory.

Going to a standard school meeting for his sister was an event Mike intended to do briefly. Getting it over as quickly as possible is his standard approach to most if not all, aspects of his life. This day, however, he was thrown in a whirlpool when he found himself wishing to stay with you. Leaving you felt like something he could not bear to endure.

Mike is abnormally pale, drenched in sweat, and mere seconds from passing out. You place your hand on his arm, inquiring him about if he was feeling alright. Hook, line, and sinker. Your mere touch sent him charging away from any perceived sanity he once possessed.

The strictly platonic concern you had for his well-being is addicting. To a point where Mike abandons all morals to indulge in these newfound feelings you give him. Once a poised man has now been reduced to a gooey puddle of sheer fervor.

All he can do is nod in response, completely entranced by the sight before him. You take his assurance hesitantly, before reaching into a basket of children's toys beside your desk. As this memory usually plays out, you retrieve a bear plushie. You then tell him of how it is Abby's favorite to play with and how you wish to gift it to her before your final goodbye. He agrees, of course. Nodding once more to compensate for his inability to speak.

In these woods, however, you show him that orange toy plane his brother treasured. His gaze remains latched to you as stand from the picnic table and walk away. To his utmost surprise, you then bend down beside Garrett. When you present him with the plane, he accepts your gift with childlike elation. He is quick to abandon his recent endeavors in favor of playing with his new toy.

You stand on foot, watching with an adoring smile as the young boy takes off. Mike watches you. An emotional, muddled intensity in his eyes.

"This isn't... This isn't how it happened... This isn't real." In his state of confusion, Mike has found the ability to speak.

He captures your attention and your gaze reverts to him. In response, his mouth goes dry and all coherent thought vanishes. Just one look from you and his entire capacity to speak is robbed, once again.

"But, it could be... It's what you want, isn't it?"

You are correct. You have always been veracious and that attitude does not fail now.

So despairingly, Mike wants this with you. To raise Abby and Garrett together, he can only imagine the wonderful people they'd become under your care. Maybe you and him could even bring a few more beautiful lives into this world. He can only imagine how exultant his own life would become if this dream turned into reality.

The rest of his life would be spent with you in Nebraska, just like this. Mornings and nights spent together at the dining table, all delicious laughter and nourishing meals. He'll even let you bring that lizard, too!

Playing frivolous games in the backyard until the sun sets, dressing in ridiculous costumes to take the kids trick-or-treating, and helping them blow out the candles for every birthday cake. Hell, he'll endure the sweltering temperatures and screaming kids at Disneyland. Only if you're there with him.

And maybe after the bedtime stories and last tuck-ins goodnight, you and him can occupy yourselves with other activities. Mike is no stranger to these kinds of fantasies, after all.

You wouldn't fail Abby and Garrett. Not like he did. You could all be a family. Exactly like he has always wanted.

For a moment, Mike had forgotten how his life had inevitably turned out. He was so warped in the domestic bliss he could have with you, that he didn't anticipate how the next chapter of his life would manifest in this dream.

You are tackled to the ground. You fight, you kick, you scream — you do everything in your strength to get the man off of you. The very same man who took Garrett all those years ago.

Not a picosecond passes before Mike picks himself up, rushing to your safety. He intends to beat the man to a bloody pulp. His sole purpose on Earth is to protect you and ensure your safety, after all. In his efforts, his foot gets caught against the legs of the picnic table, sending him to the dirt floor. Mike is quick to scramble to his feet. His heart races a mile a minute; his eyes are blown wide in crazed worry.

When he stands, he finds that somehow within the few seconds spent on the ground, you had been shoved into the back of a car. You bang your fists against the rear window, pleading for him to rescue you. And that, Mike desperately tries to do.

He sprints after you in a blind, blurred panic. The sudden, swift movement of his body is painful, as though needles poke and prod at his skin. It is all he can see, hear, feel, think of. Losing you and the gut-wrenching devastation that would inevitably follow.

The car begins to accelerate faster and faster. His running pace gets slower with every step forward. Mike tries, God, he fucking tries, but you slip away from him like sand between his fingers. Just the same as it was when he lost his brother.

With his speed receding, his body loses all mobility and he cannot bear to run anymore. The harsh punt of his body falling to the ground pulls a grunt out of his throat. Mike whispers mantras of "I'm sorry," hoping that you can somehow hear his pleas. He prays that by some miracle, the man who took you will have a change of heart and bring you back. Sobs plunge through his chest. The misery seeps in like water leaking through a weak dam.

Consciousness comes back to him all too suddenly. A loud yell of your name erupts from him and echoes through the security room. Mike plummets from his desk chair and splats against the ground. His mind is still plagued by that scene, he is still racing to save your life.

Cold sweat drips from his head. His hands shake with a terrified tremor. He hyperventilates, as though he had escaped the depths of the ocean and were inhaling fresh air for the first time. Mike weakly props himself up against the desk, trying to calm himself.

An entire year of agony. Over 365 days of absolute Hell. Living without you has tortured him in ways he never thought was possible.

Sitting here on the filthy floor of this old pizzeria, Mike finally waves his white flag. He has given up. He cannot do this anymore. It is more than he can handle.

And without so much as another breath, Mike springs into action.

Max is surprised to see him back home so early. Flustered and ridden with sweat, Mike explains how there is an emergency at work and he needs her to watch Abby longer. She obliges and accepts the hefty pay he shoves into her hands. He is driving away before she can process what has just occurred.

The song he plays every night in his Walkman blares from the car radio. Your song. The idea brings him ephemeral ease. A dash of excitement.

This is what his life is supposed to be and if all goes well, it's what it will be in mere hours. Mike's foot slams harder against the gas, doing what he should have done long ago.

All he has to do is explain himself. Surely, you will listen and understand this is for the better. You will see through all his stuttered words and irrepressible nerves. You will taste the sickeningly sweet devotion dripping from his mushy, candied heart. Surely, you will understand this is all for you. And of course, you will love him, too.

Hours pass like gusts of wind. The welcome sign of Nebraska passes in a flash. Mike remembers the route like the back of his hand. He'd never forget the roads that lead back to you, after all.

Dawn is moments from rising. The sky is a dark blue, covered in blotches of dark, orange sunshine. Mike pulls into the parking lot of your school where only one car is present. Yours. And of course, he parks directly beside you. The prospect of being close to you, even with something as negligible as this, sends a hot shiver coursing through his body.

Mike tries to soothe himself as he lets out a shaky breath. A heavy trepidation is nestled in his stomach, still mixed with that crisp excitement. Sweat cascades down his face. His dark, curly hair sticks to his forehead. Nothing can stop these feelings. He may try, but his scattered heartstrings stubbornly remain ensnared around his throat.

When he stands, he has to latch onto the roof of his car to catch his balance. Any passerby would think he was drunk. Being at an elementary school would certainly not help his case, either. Fortunately, the only people here are you and him. No one else. Just the way it is supposed to be.

The path leading to you is familiar. The trees blossoming, the chalk drawings on the sidewalk, and the scent of the early-morning breeze. It reminds Mike even more of how much he missed you.

His wet palms grasp the handles of the front entrance. He pulls, only for the door to remain locked in place. A few more desperate tugs and he watches as his ploy peels apart from the seams. The consideration of breaking down the door is only present momentarily, before any and all function of his is cut short.

The door is unlocked and opened. Stood at the threshold is you.

And with more intensity than Mike had anticipated, the euphoria only you are capable of conjuring comes rushing back.

"Good morning!" is all you say. Your expression is cheerful. Kind. Gorgeous, as you always are. Exactly the way he remembered.

Now that you are finally here, Mike cannot fathom how he had survived so long without you. The pieces of you sprinkled throughout his life are brought to revelation. Your name carved into his bones, your warmth threaded through his veins, your breath stirred with his every word. It is as terrifying as it is exhilarating. The fact he had not collapsed upon making mere eye contact with you is a miracle in of itself.

"Oh! Are you the new security guard? I wasn't aware we were getting a new hire." You break the silence, referring to the yellow "SECURITY" stamped on his vest.

You...

You don't remember me?

The words don't manage to escape him. Instead, you send him into a state of stupor.

The impact your words have on him is nothing short of surreal. When Mike had memorized every sliver of you down to the tilt of your jaw and the curve of your spine, you had forgotten him entirely. For the year he spent longing for you, he was merely a bystander in the background. An apparition within your mind. You do not remember him. And no words in the English language could express the lethal heartbreak.

It has rendered Mike speechless and his inability to speak fills you with unease.

"Please, come in." Opening the door further, you try and usher him inside. All you wish to do is escape this conversation and the fervid eyes of this stranger.

Gaze still glued to you, he grasps hold of the door handles. His unconscious brain still decides to take the weight off of you. Mike has no choice now, he must convince you to stay with him. To beg you to choose him, to remind you of everything you once had with each other. To show you what losing you has done to him.

When you turn and walk away, he tries to find his voice. Mike wants to express all of this to you, but his efforts are futile. He is frozen and can only watch as you leave him again. The opposite direction of your classroom, this time. Towards the office. Most likely to ensure he was actually in the system.

Mike does not take this choice of yours for granted. Gathering up whatever morsel of strength is still left in him, he takes a few wobbly steps. He stumbles through the dark hallways, clutching his hand over his heart as he walks. His rampant heartbeat does not calm itself, no matter his attempts to soothe it.

Upon practically collapsing into your classroom, a flare of fleeting ease envelops Mike. To be surrounded by you is absolute ecstasy. Paradise is personified through flamboyant decorations and the scent of strawberries and books.

He scans every detail of your classroom. The new drawings on the wall, the jumble of recently purchased toys. He sees the new changes you have made in the past year and is shattered to know you were not thinking of him at all. As opposed to every second of his life being enmeshed with you.

Mike soon finds your desk. The first and last place he had ever truly felt happiness. On the surface, some of your clutter had been left behind. Too cute. A colorful planner had been left open to this exact date. A few papers are sat to the side, where students' assessments are in the process of being graded. Most important of all, your thermal scattered with stickers sits on a pained coaster.

Mike knows he should not consider it, no less think about it. You just need to be reminded, that's all.

With a paranoid glance at the door, he takes the orange bottle of sleeping pills from his backpack. He swiftly pours out several onto the desk. Then, he takes a stapler you had left out of reach from children's sticky fingers, crushing the thin white circles into a chunky powder. Your thermal opens with a quiet pop! and Mike pours the residue into your drink. He uses the straw to stir it around for effective measure, trying to ignore the incessant urge to take your straw for... personal use.

A storage closet resides right behind him. Mike leaves everything on your desk as it once was and is swift to hide inside. He leaves the door open a mere creak, within perfect distance to watch his plan unfold.

The minute without you feels torturous, as though it had lasted a millennia. When the aching sound of silence is filled by a creaking door, his heart practically plummets. Through the small peep, you enter his field of vision. You trot over to the iguana enclosure. Saying a quick hello to Mr. Cupcake, before making your way to your desk. Oblivious to the uninvited guest just inches away.

You take a sip from your thermal. Mike cannot find air to breathe or the ability to function.

You take another. This is actually happening.

One more sip. Your pen scribbles on your planner.

You take a sip. It is a blessing straight from God you cannot hear the hyperventilated breaths behind you.

Then, another sip. Holy shit, this is actually happening.

As you work, you reach over to grab some sticky notes. Your elbow accidentally nudges your pen, causing it to fall from your desk and roll across the floor. You stand to retrieve it with a grumble before a sudden wave of lethargy envelops you. It is all too sudden and acute. You have to lean on the edge of your desk to stable yourself.

Before you can question the sudden fatigue, your body fails you. When you inevitably fall, Mike is quick to catch you. Hell, his arms were around you before your legs even wobbled. Slowly, and with loving attentiveness, he guides your limp body to the ground. The adrenaline inside him is so penetrating, that he does not have a moment to process the fact he is touching you.

With you fully unconscious, Mike knows exactly where he'll be heading next. Only now, he'll have an additional passenger with him.

He secures your unconscious form into the back seat of his car. Fastening your seatbelt and triple-checking they are in proper function. Mr. Cookie, or whatever his name is, is in the front seat within his cage. Moving his enclosure and necessities from your classroom was a hassle, as told by the bite mark on Mike's hand. For you, though, he would endure far worse.

With the birds beginning to sing, there is little time before the world wakes up and his intentions are jeopardized. Mike drives off before anyone can see what he has done. Not even he has fully processed what he has done.

Leaving your car, your home, and your life behind, he begins the treacherous and exciting journey back to Utah.

Every car that passes has him gripping the wheel tighter, foot reader to slam harder on the gas. He had already lost you once, he cannot lose you again. Mike does not play music, either. The sounds of your breathing is his new favorite harmony.

He casts a glance in the rear-view mirror every now and then. You're draped among the back of the car, cocooned in the numerous blankets he brought for this trip. Beneath the windows, your head is rested against a fluffy pillow. He even snuggled a few plushies into your arms. The sight is so gut-wrenchingly adorable, Mike nearly crashes the car with how painfully distracting the sight of you is.

This was the state he stayed in for the first several hours of the drive. Mindless driving on freeways, checking on you (as well as continuously cooing over your cuteness), and holding his breath whenever he passes through busy areas or cops. Then, he gets knocked off course.

With blurred vision, you can barely discern where you are.

Sunlight makes you squint. Your mind is messy. You can hear the rumble of a car engine, feel the vibration against your form. The blankets wrapped around you are suffocating. You peel them off from your body, a few random stuffed animals fall to the car floor when you do so.

Mike nearly snaps his neck with how fast he turns around. His efforts to take you away were frivolous, yes, but he was sure he had given you enough pills to sleep through the trip.

"Hey, you're okay. Y-You're okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Okay? Just don't freak out... Please don't freak out."

You do the opposite of what he advised. Little by little, the pieces begin to click together. Panic settles in your stomach like a fresh sheet of snow. Hyperventilating breaths leave your shaking body, accentuated by your frightened whimpers. Who is this man? What the fuck is going on? Tears stream down your face with every question that litters your mind. And every cracked sob you let out is a fatal strike to your assailant's fragile heart.

Mike is quick to comfort you, as you can always count on him to do such. And how badly he wishes to climb into the back seat himself and hold you close. Everything he is doing is for the better, you must know that. As scary as this all may seem for you, he will do whatever it takes to convince you of this truth.

He reaches his hand back to soothe you, only succeeding in the opposite when you cower away from his touch. Mike cannot hide how poignant your rejection is, he is shocked he hadn't broken down into tears alongside you.

"... Are you going to hurt me-?"

"I would never."

He answers without a sliver of hesitation. Your shattered, sugar-sweet voice absolutely destroys him.

The weight of his declaration is so immense that you could almost believe him. You should believe him, as he only tells the utter truth. The fact you have been drugged and shoved into the backseat of a stranger's car, however, convinces you otherwise.

Looking through the window, you take note of the rural area you're in. Nothing but miles of trees to comfort you. No distinct landmarks to help you navigate your location.

Mike oscillates between looking at you and the road. While he's occupied with the road ahead, you take action before thinking thoroughly. Sweltering blankets torn off of your body, you unfasten your seatbelt as silently as you can. You mentally prepare yourself for the turmoil up ahead. Then, within a matter of a single second, you unlock the car door and jump.

Debris slices into you as you fall deeper into the forest. The world becomes a blurred frenzy of trees and cloudy skies. Your frail body is drowsy from the drugs still pumping through your system. Your ribs ache, your ears ring, and you are covered in gashes. Still, survival is the only prospect present in your brain. You pick yourself up from the dirt and dash forward. Never looking back.

April puddles and fallen pinecones ruin your expensive work shoes. Fresh flowers are squished beneath your steps. There is no path you intend to take, you only wish to get as far as you can from that man. Poison ivy and low-hanging branches slash at your skin. You do not think, you only push and push and push. Anywhere away from him.

The second you had opened that car door, Mike slammed down on the brakes. The scream of your name hurts his throat from the sheer volume. To see you jump, leaving him again, sparked fear like no other. He does not even bother to turn off the car or close the door before he is racing after you. He cannot lose you again. He can't, he can't, he can't.

Mike barrels into the forest like a feral animal. He is met with a terrifying sense of déjà-vu. He's seen this movie before, he's heard this song a million times. This dream has haunted him forever. Just when he is inches from touching salvation, you will be snatched away from him. And he will have to watch as his life crumbles before his very eyes.

His legs grow heavier with every step. He screams for you until his voice goes raw. His lungs feel as though they may collapse into themselves. Still, his efforts to find you do not falter. You would have to kill him if you wished to keep him away from you.

A tree branch crunches.

Mike stops dead in his tracks. Listening.

There's a pained whimper. Quiet amongst the soft winds.

He dashes toward the sound. Swift in surging through the steep hills and overgrown forestry in his path.

While you were running, you failed to notice a protruding tree root. When your foot hooks beneath it and sends you tumbling to the ground, you try and scramble to your feet. However, the burst of adrenaline that had gotten you this far could not combat the lethargy still in your body. You lay on your back, exasperated with debility. Entirely paralyzed.

"Y/N! Oh, thank God!" Mike collapses beside you, all while you stare at the stranger in utter terror.

Dirt and sweat paint his body. Eyes blown wide and crazed, his hands reach for you. Fearfully searching for any wounds. One hand cradles your face, caressing your skin with his thumb. The other rests against your hairline, petting the expanse with tender intent. Cries of both relief and terror fill the empty silence. To lose you all over again is a horrifying prospect he cannot fathom the weight of.

"N-... No..." Your voice is weak. Barely able to crawl out of your mouth.

Fingers latched into the mud, you try to drag your body away from this maniac. Mike brings your attempts to a halt, hands still latched onto your body.

"I'll be good, Y/N, I will... Just-Just stay with me!"

Your assailant does not listen to your feeble demands. Instead, Mike wraps his arms around your torso. Further ensnaring you in his locked embrace. He buries his face into your neck and rocks your body back and forth. Trying to soothe you into another slumber. His sniffles are overpowered by his sharp inhales of breath. Consuming your scent.

"You're not leaving me. You're not fucking leaving me!" Mike bawls out.

He is now a complete mess. Face twisted with ugly sobs. All hot tears and running snot.

"Just sleep now, okay? I'm right here..."

Blunt nails dig into your shoulder blades. His weight on top of you is suffocating. Please just love him and never leave him. That is all he could ever ask for, all he could ever want. He has spent so long without the one he loves most, he cannot bear to ever part from them ever again.

With a choked groan, Mike lifts your limp body from the ground. Sniffling reassurances echo as you reach a state of unconsciousness. He lifts you over his shoulder and your body loses all mobility. As he takes you away, your mind fades into a peaceful rest. Escaping is now a pipe dream.

Faint sounds of shuffling are what you're next awoken to. Pipes bang and thump. It is far more quiet than your last conscious encounter.

Darkness pervades your vision. Your body feels weightless, as though you are floating through a dream. You cannot move, no matter your efforts to try. As if your limbs had been glued to the fluffy expanse you've been laid upon. All you are capable of doing is releasing a guttural moan of disdain from the back of your throat.

"Easy, cub. Easy now."

No.

The voice is fluffy and easy. Horrifyingly familiar.

This can't be real; this can't be reality. This cannot be what your life becomes: rotting away in this stranger's embrace.

You were granted several mere seconds of solitude before hands were on your body, once again. The grasp lifts your body, to where your assailant sits behind you and rests your back against his chest. His efforts are gentle. Comforting. Though, the movement still has you wincing in discomfort. You hadn't anticipated how many injuries you had given yourself.

Speckles of your sight return in short spurts. There is light against the darkness, everything is gold. Drowned in the hues of candlelight scattered around the room. The glow is cast against a fuzzy expanse, to where you could almost convince yourself you were in a dream. And my God, do you wish it was.

You miss the rich, headache-inducing colors of your classroom. The judging stares of other parents who drowned their homes in beige decor never felt more comforting. You miss the screeching children with their constant need for attention. Their dramatic tears and obnoxious attitude would bring you peace like no other.

Mike plants his chin against your shoulder and all you can think about is the beautiful life you have lived until this point. His arm slithers across your torso, tightening with vehement need. It is loving in the most suffocating manner. You then hear a bottle unscrew through static noise. shushes you as he presses the lid against your lips. Water cascades into your mouth and down your dry throat, all while Mike presses impassioned kisses to your temple.

"There you go. Very good... You're perfect..." His tone is cordial as he ushers you to drink.

As much as you had tried to fight his attempts to give you water, it has fortunately provided you more clarity. The environment surrounding you fades into something more lucid.

You've been swaddled in a thick comforter. Soft and floral-scented, fresh out of the dryer. The king-size bed is at the end of the room and provides you with a clear view of everything. The lack of windows and decrepit staircase tucked in the corner tell you this is a basement. Soundproofed and locked up, your chances of escape are minimal. He does not want to let you go, that much is for certain.

Across the room is a chunky television. Movie cassettes sit in the cabinet supporting the television, where a newly purchased GameCube is left beside, as well. There's a bookshelf to your left, which is filled with old novels and children's books. Nothing was bought recently. Is there a child in this house? Lego sets and puzzle boxes are stacked next to the shelf. You come to the chilling assumption that it is intended to be something for you to occupy yourself with when he's gone.

Much to your satisfaction, Mike leaves from his spot behind you. He guides you back onto the pillow with romantic, loving ease. A gentle caress to your cheek before he goes. As if he was your doting husband taking care of you while you are ill.

When you look to your right, your heart accelerates when you find your iguana enclosure on top of a rickety table. Thank God he is alright! You do not know what you would do if this man had harmed Mr. Cupcake.

As words have failed you consistently, you whine out like a baby to express your wants. Your assailant's attention is back on you at record speed. The persistent need he has to ensure your comfort is almost pathetic. Teary-eyed and pouty, you reach for the enclosure holding your iguana.

Mike's body goes rigid. A gentle gasp emanates from him.

Are you... Are you reaching for him?

He practically throws himself back onto the bed. Sat beside your laying form, he almost can't bring himself to believe it. His deluded fantasies have bloomed into existence.

"Yes? What do you need, cub?" Please say him. Please say you need him like he needs you.

Mike looks at you and his eyes melt into candy. A gentle smile plastered on his face, he brings his finger up and boops you on the nose. Affectionate is his natural disposition. You're too fucking cute.

Mike had wasted an entire year without you. Too much time spent neglecting you of his love. Oh, you must have been so lonely without him. This is all he has wanted, after all. To take care of you. To take the weight off your shoulders and bring you ease like no other. He will spend the rest of his lifetime making up for the lost time. He would spend forever for you, slaving away to earn your forgiveness.

When you firmly establish what it is you actually want, no amount of sleeping pills in your thermal cup could stop you from seeing how defeated he is. Your rejection cuts like a dagger. Anyone can see this genuine fact. Still, Mike abides by your request. He'd tear mountains asunder for your happiness, after all.

Begrudgingly, he leaves your side. He opens the enclosure with struggle. Too many notches and slots. When he takes Mr. Cupcake into his hands, the iguana squirms and twists. Almost as if the reptile grasped what was happening. He propels his tail like a whip, reaching for the hands around him with his sharp teeth. His nails dig into whatever part of this stranger he can find.

When Mike plops him into your lap, Mr. Cupcake relaxes instantaneously. You snuggle him into your arms and are provided comfort from him, as well. His scaly flesh and jagged spine abrade your face, but you have never known a more soothing embrace. You plant a myriad of kisses and adoring nuzzles on Mr. Cupcake's skin. At the same time, you ignore the third wheel standing there.

Mike watches this and is nearly sick with want. Never in his life had he ever thought he'd wish to be an iguana this bad. The things he would give and the things he would take to be on the receiving end of your affections bridges off insanity.

Averting his gaze, he cannot watch the scene anymore. He had never expected to be so envious of a goddamn reptile. Mike grants you the time you want with that prickly bastard and leaves the basement. You hear the tumultuous clatter of all the locks and bolts being put into place once he is gone.

The time without Mike is something you do not take for granted. Silence is precious, solitude even more so. During his absence, you reel through the supercut of your life. You cannot find this man in any of your memories. You do not remember that face no matter how hard you try. He is the bad guy, the villain. The very definition of 'stranger-danger' you teach your students about.

When Mike returns, all of that disturbed turbulence comes with him.

In his hands is a cracked dinner plate with spaghetti and meatballs splat on top. The closer he gets, the faster your heart pumps. Setting the plate down on the bedside table, he takes your iguana from your tight hold. Mr. Cupcake still thrashes in his grasp, trying to bite and hit wherever he can. Good boy.

When the beast is locked away, Mike is idyllic to be alone with you again. He acts as though the current circumstances were romantic, where you and him are enjoying an amorous vacation. He then places the meal carefully in your lap, wary of the hot plate burning your precious skin.

"You need to eat, cub. You've been through so much. Too much." Mike's hand finds your face again, thumb caressing your cheek.

His mere words make you want to vomit your breakfast all over what is supposed to be your dinner. Still, you obey and begin eating. The dish is mediocre, at best. You've tasted better from the kitchen play set where your students wear chef hats and cook plastic food. Kidnapped and trapped in a basement, however, you'll take whatever scraps you can get.

Eyes glued to your plate, you do not watch as Mike takes a movie from the cabinet and pops it into the VCR. "The Immortal and the Restless" whirs to life as he returns to where you sit. Mike lays down beside you and joins you beneath the warm comforter. He takes the fork from your hands. A shiver cascades up his arm upon the faint contact made by your fingers touching. Oh, it is love. He then begins to feed you. There is nothing but sugary madness in his eyes.

Bite by bite, you are forced to watch soap operas and listen to nauseating love declarations.

"I was so alone out there without you, baby."

If only you hadn't been so fooled by a security vest and pretty brown eyes, you could be with your students right now. You could be free right now.

If only.

⁺ 🎧 , 🪷 you are currently listening to . . . ⁺ 🪺 , 🎵 ꪆ

❝ PRAYING STRAIGHT TO GOD THAT

MAYBE YOU'LL COME BACK AROUND . . . ❞

no one asked for this but idc hehe.

gif creds :: mike.

[dead-generations]

Your post on bluey mentioned that your biosecurity-focused customs agents are far less ideologically anti-immigration than one would expect; is there just a strong filtering for that type in whoever is enforcing the migrant detainment islands?

this is just a misunderstanding of how migration works in australia, confusing it for what happens in america. point blank: australians are not worried about illegal migration because that does not happen. australians concerned with migration are concerned with 1 quantity of perfectly legal migration (typically as a function of housing costs, sometimes as wage supression) 2 the economic dependence on student migrants specifically 3 the use of easy to access temporary visas to transition into permanent migration, mainly through (at least previously) fraudulent schools set up specifically to launder student-visa-to-permanent-residency 4 sometimes as a function of specifically anti indian racism

so the idea that airport security cares at all about why 99% of people are coming here is just silly. There just aren't people coming here without visas. They will be looking for smuggling of goods, which IS a real problem at airports. And there is a racialised element to that - lebs and yobs are screened for smuggling cigarettes, and indians, viets and chinese are profiled for smuggling in biosecurity risks. which doesn't typically lead to deportation or detention, just to your shit being trashed and being slapped with fat fines. Though ciggy smugglers do go to trial, iirc. This is universally viewed as a matter of vital national security, and frankly thats not an exaggeration. if anything we are too lax. The customs people are dickhead control freaks in my experience, with no sense of humour and a lot of self importance, which is not typical for australians

but there are the migrant islands, so lets talk about those. first, where do they come from? the only way to illegally sneak into australia is by boat - and australia has had a maximal deterrent program against boat migration for over a decade, actually since 01 i think. If you come by boat you will never, ever, ever be allowed into australia on asylum or any other pathway. they publicise this in indonesia, thailand, sri lanka etc in the native languages in posters and advertising, also emphasizing risk to your life, claims that the majority of people die and that people smugglers are lying to you.

the few boats that still come here (i dont think there have been many in YEARS) are in for a very, very bad time because they mean what they say. you are rounded up and shipped off of australia to one of a handful of island detention centers where you will waste away for god knows how long. I think some have just been abandoned forever.

I know someone who worked at one of these detention centres, one of the processing ones before people are shipped to christmas island. she was a nurse. She was haunted by the experience. People tried to kill themselves without fail when they learned they would be going to christmas island, so no one at the facility knew these movements were happening more than 3 hours out from the transfers. They would still manage to swallow razorblades, which did nothing to stop them being shipped off. Her job was basically keeping them alive to be shipped to hell.

When she interviewed to work at the island itself, one of the interview questions was

You will have patients who you assess, correctly, as needing to go to a hospital facility only available on the mainland to save their lives. You will be denied. Will you be able to handle that?

In this case, the cruelty really is the point. It has in fact worked and stopped boat migration totally.

talking about these facilities is more or less completely taboo in australian society. we dont like to think about it. we know they are cruel but broadly speaking, people believe it to be necessary to some degree. it conflicts with our national self image and our desire to be sanctimonious to americans. And indeed it was these facilities which directly inspired trumps asylum policies, first with guatemala and now el salvador.

now to return to your question as to where dickheads work: I don't know. maybe they do work there. the person i knew who worked there was a bleeding heart who was clearly haunted. But ill tell you a story: I knew a british migrant who told me her friends would never come to australia because of a girl they knew, a scottish girl who came here with her friends on a work-holiday visa. she was staying with three other british girls in a share house, and one of them overstayed their visa. the story goes that they were black bagged by cops and shipped to queensland to do agricultural labour before being deported. I had to inform this person that no many in australia would be particularly sympathetic there.

If that sounds random - one year visas in australia can only be renewed if you spend an amount of time performing agricultural labor, typically in queensland. I have heard mixed stories, but mostly it appears to be exactly as pleasant as that sounds. I typically advise people to not do it.

Funnily enough in melbourne I would say the control freak migrant haters end up becoming fare cops on the trams. In sydney that title probably goes to the anti terrorism freaks. overall it probably goes to the AFP, the federal cops, and some sections of the state cops. A lot of cops end up being hired thugs for politicians (like the fixated persons unit targeting friendlyjordies for trolling a corrupt politician).

[artsandculture]

A Sunday on La Grande Jatte (1884) 🎨 Georges Seurat 🏛️ The Art Institute of Chicago 📍 Chicago, United States

In his best-known and largest painting, Georges Seurat depicted people relaxing in a suburban park on an island in the Seine River called La Grande Jatte. The artist worked on the painting in several campaigns, beginning in 1884 with a layer of small horizontal brushstrokes of complementary colors. He later added small dots, also in complementary colors, that appear as solid and luminous forms when seen from a distance.Seurat's use of this highly systematic and "scientific" technique, subsequently called Pointillism, distinguished his art from the more intuitive approach to painting used by the Impressionists. Although Seurat embraced the subject matter of modern life preferred by artists such as Claude Monet and Pierre-Auguste Renoir, he went beyond their concern for capturing the accidental and instantaneous qualities of light in nature. Seurat sought to evoke permanence by recalling the art of the past, especially Egyptian and Greek sculpture and even Italian Renaissance frescoes. As he explained to the French poet Gustave Kahn, "The Panathenaeans of Phidias formed a procession. I want to make modern people, in their essential traits, move about as they do on those friezes, and place them on canvases organized by harmonies of color." Some contemporary critics, however, found his figures to be less a nod to earlier art history than a commentary on the posturing and artificiality of modern Parisian society. Seurat made the final changes to La Grande Jatte in 1889. He re-stretched the canvas in order to add a painted border of red, orange, and blue dots that provides a visual transition between the interior of the painting and his specially designed white frame.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hi! I found you from your tdov post, and your transition is just amazing. I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but do you have any advice for someone scared of transitioning? Scared of the change... In all aspects. I've wanted to take T for so long (10+ years) and now I finally have the chance, but for some reason I'm scared now. Thank you so much in advance!

It is OK to be scared at the thought of transition, even if you're sure you want to go through it.

You may find it helpful to journal some thoughts -- are you afraid of the negative physical side effects (and what is "negative" to you, anyway)? Could transition make you feel disconnected from your body? Like you are losing something? Are there physical aspects of masculinity that make you feel uncomfortable? Are you worried about impact on your mood/libido/how you process emotions?

A lot of testosterone effects revert back after usage stops. Some effects are permanent. Learn what your likely changes are, and what steps you could take to revert them, should this not be the path you wish to take. Trans femmes and ally detransitioners are people to look to here.

Are you more afraid of what would happen in your work and personal life? Are there deal breakers? What's the worst that could happen?

But as you do all of this, also ask yourself, "what is the best that could happen?" What are the big and small joys transition can bring?

A friend of mine once literally made an HRT pros/cons spreadsheet, it was a thing of beauty.

Only you can decide if HRT is right for you. But if you start, you can also decide to stop and it isn't the end of the world if you do -- it just means you explored a part of yourself pretty well and came to a conclusion HRT wasn't a good fit at this time in your life. Could be a good fit later. Might never be a good fit.

I evaluate my own transition constantly: For example, I have a wonky post-surgery chest -- is that stopping me from being shirtless around my partner, who loves me for who I am? ("Yes," I found out. And I am trying to be more casually shirtless so that doesn't get in the way when we want to be intimate. I am just not used to that physical sense of vulnerability + having my transition imperfections so visible.) But am I happier overall, despite some challenges? HELL YES, I AM.

We never stop growing as people, and you should think of transition as not having a set path -- you can engage with it and redefine it whenever you want.

[xtruss]

Who Is Helping DOGE? List of Staff Revealed

- Feb 14, 2025 | Newsweek | By James Bickerton, US News Reporter

DOGE head Elon Musk speaks in the Oval Office at the White House on February 11, 2025. Andrew Harnik/Getty

list of 30 employees and alleged allies of Elon Musk's newly created Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has been published by ProPublica, an investigative news outlet.

Newsweek reached out to Musk for comment via emails to the Tesla and SpaceX press offices.

DOGE, a U.S. government organization which, despite its name, doesn't have full department status, was created by President Trump via an executive order on January 20 with the aim of cutting what the new administration regards as wasteful spending. Musk, a close Trump ally, heads the body and has been given special government employee status.

Musk has called for sweeping cuts to federal spending, suggesting it could be reduced by up to $2 trillion per year out of a 2024 total of $6.75 trillion, according to U.S. Treasury figures.

This ties in with Trump's pledge to "drain the swamp," a term his supporters use for what they believe is a permanent left-leaning bureaucracy that holds massive power regardless of who is in the White House.

DOGE has already recommended that the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) be closed down, with its functions transferred to the State Department. In a recent interview, Trump said he wants DOGE to go through spending at the Departments of Education and Defense.

On February 8, a federal judge imposed a temporary restraining order blocking DOGE employees from accessing the Treasury Department's payment system, resulting in Musk calling for him to be impeached.

A White House spokesperson told ProPublica: "Those leading this mission with Elon Musk are doing so in full compliance with federal law, appropriate security clearances, and as employees of the relevant agencies, not as outside advisors or entities."

The 30 DOGE employees and associates reported by ProPublica, which labeled them Musk's "demolition crew," are listed below.

Not Even DOGE Employees Know Who’s Legally Running DOGE! Despite all appearances, the White House insists that Elon Musk is not in charge of DOGE. US DOGE Service employees can’t get a straight answer about who is. Photograph: Kena Betancur/Getty Images

DOGE Employees And Associates

Christopher Stanley, 33: Stanley was part of the team Musk used to take over Twitter, now X, according to his LinkedIn profile, serving as senior director for security engineering for the company. The New York Times reports he now works for Musk at DOGE.

Brad Smith, 42: According to The New York Times, Smith, a friend of Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner, was one of the first people appointed to help lead DOGE. He also served with the first Trump administration and was involved with Operation Warp Speed, the federal government's coronavirus vaccine development program.

Thomas Shedd, 28: Shedd serves as director of the Technology Transformation Services, a government body created to assist federal agencies with IT, and previously worked as a software engineer at Tesla.

Amanda Scales, 34: According to ProPublica, Scales is chief of staff at the Office of Personnel Management, a government agency that helps manage civil service. She previously worked for Musk's artificial intelligence company Xai.

Michael Russo, 67: Russo is a senior figure at the Social Security Administration, a government agency that administers the American Social Security program. According to his LinkedIn page, Russo previously worked for Shift4 Payments, a payment processing company that has invested in Musk's company SpaceX.

Rachel Riley, 33: Riley works in the Department of Health & Human Services as a senior adviser in the secretary's office. ProPublica reports she has been "working closely" with Brad Smith, who led DOGE during the transition period.

Nikhil Rajpal, 30: According to Wired, Rajpal, who in 2018 worked as an engineer at Twitter, is part of the DOGE team. He formally works as part of the Office of Personnel Management.

Justin Monroe, 36: According to ProPublica, Monroe is working as an adviser in the FBI director's office, having previously been senior director for security at SpaceX.

Katie Miller, 33: Miller is a spokesperson for DOGE. Trump announced her involvement with the new body in December. She served as Vice President Mike Pence's press secretary during Trump's first term.

Tom Krause, 47: Krause is a Treasury Department employee who is also affiliated with DOGE, according to The New York Times. Krause was involved in the DOGE team's bid to gain access to the Treasury Department's payments system.

Gavin Kliger, 25: Kliger, a senior adviser at the Office of Personnel Management, is reportedly closely linked to Musk's team. On his personal Substack blog, he wrote a post titled "Why I gave up a seven-figure salary to save America."

Gautier "Cole" Killian, 24: Killian is an Environmental Protection Agency employee who researched blockchain at McGill University. Killian is also a member of the DOGE team, according to Wired.

Stephanie Holmes, 43: ProPublica reports that Holmes runs human resources at DOGE, having previously managed her own HR consulting company, BrighterSideHR.

Luke Farritor, 23: Farritor works as an executive engineer at the Department of Health and previously interned at SpaceX, according to his LinkedIn account. He won a $100,000 fellowship from billionaire tech entrepreneur Peter Thiel in March 2024.

Marko Elez, 25: Elez is a Treasury Department staffer who worked as an engineer at X for one year and at SpaceX for around three years. The Wall Street Journal reported that Elez was linked to a social media account that had made racist remarks, but Musk stood by him after he initially resigned.

Steve Davis, 45: Davis is a longtime Musk associate who previously worked for the tech billionaire at SpaceX, the Boring Company and X. According to The New York Times, Davis was one of the first people involved in setting up DOGE with Musk and has been involved in staff recruitment.

Edward Coristine, 19: Coristine is a Northeastern University graduate who was detailed to the Office of Personnel Management and is affiliated with DOGE. He previously interned at Neuralink, a Musk company that works on brain-computer interfaces.

Nate Cavanaugh, 28: Cavanaugh is an entrepreneur who interviewed staffers at the General Services Administration as part of the DOGE team, according to ProPublica.

Unmasked: Musk’s Secret DOGE Goon Squad—Who Are All Under 26! The world’s richest man doesn’t want anyone knowing his right-hand people who are disrupting government. — Josh Fiallo, Breaking News Reporter, Daily Beast, February 3, 2025

Akash Bobba, 21: A recent graduate from the University of California, Berkeley, Bobba works as an "expert" at the Office of Personnel Management and was identified by Wired as part of Musk's DOGE team.

Brian Bjelde, 44: A 20-year SpaceX veteran, Bjelde now works as a senior adviser at the Office of Personnel Management, where he wants to cut 70 percent of the workforce, according to CNN.

Riccardo Biasini, 39: Biasini is an engineer who now works as a senior adviser to the director at the Office of Personnel Management. He previously worked for two Musk companies, Tesla and the Boring Company.

Anthony Armstrong, 57: Another senior adviser to the director at the Office of Personnel Management Armstrong previously worked as a banked with Morgan Stanley, and was involved in Musk's 2022 purchase of Twitter.

Keenan D. Kmiec, 45: Kmiec is a lawyer who works as part of the Executive Office of the President. He previously clerked on the Supreme Court for Chief Justice John Roberts.

James Burnham, 41: Burnham is a general counsel at DOGE whose involvement with the Musk-led body was first reported by The New York Times in January. He previously worked as a clerk for Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.

Jacob Altik, 32: A lawyer affiliated with the Executive Office of the President, Altik previously clerked for D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Neomi Rao, whom Trump appointed during his first term.

Jordan M. Wick, 28: Wick is an official member of DOGE and previously worked as a software engineer for the self-driving car company Waymo.

Ethan Shaotran, 22: Shaotran is a former Harvard student who Wired listed as one of several young software engineers working to analyze internal government data at DOGE.

Kyle Schutt, 37: Schutt is a software engineer affiliated with DOGE and worked at the General Services Administration. He was involved in the launch of WinRed, a Republican fundraising platform that helped raise $1.8 billion ahead of the November 2024 elections.

Ryan Riedel, 37: Riedel is the chief information officer at the Department of Energy and a former SpaceX employee.

Adam Ramada, 35: Ramada is an official DOGE member, according to federal records seen by ProPublica. Ramada previously worked for venture capital company Spring Tide Capital. E&E News reported he had been seen at the Energy Department and the General Services Administration.

Kendell M. Lindemann, 24: Lindemann is an official member of the DOGE team who previously worked for health care company Russell Street Ventures, founded by fellow DOGE associate Brad Smith, and as a business analyst for McKinsey & Company.

Nicole Hollander, 42: Hollander works at the General Services Administration. She was previously employed by X, where she was involved with the company's real estate portfolio.

Alexandra T. Beynon, 36: Beynon is listed as an official member of DOGE, according to documents seen by ProPublica. She previously worked for therapy startup Mindbloom and banking firm Goldman Sachs.

Jennifer Balajadia, 36: Balajadia is a member of the DOGE team who previously worked for the Boring Company for seven years. According to The New York Times, she is a close Musk confidant and assists with his scheduling.

[gyno-supremacy]

A PROPER PROSTATE MILKING WHILE IN CHASTITY!

1. Insert Large Butt Plug to apply pressure on the prostate. 

2. With subject laying on their back and legs spread open place Vibrator behind subjects penis. 

3. Apply pressure with Vibrator rolling from penis to anus in a circular motion. 

4. The subject will begin to feel their orgasm build just as if you were edging them. 

5. In about 5 - 6 minutes the subject’s cum will begin to Ooze out of his chastity cage. Keep rolling until cum stops oozing. With all the cum drained out, the subject will still be extremely horny and sensitive. Even though the subject has been completely drained of cum they will still feel as if they are on the edge of an orgasm that will never come.

In the Gynarchy a HardMistress likes to milk Her male domestic's prostate that way, so that the male knows his proper place in his Mistress-slave relationship, many Gynarchic Sisters like to maintain their male domestics in this state of permanent denial and prostate milking with vibrator becomes in the only way these males are allowed to cum during their first 6 months of chastity training.  Eventually when a Mistress owner is mature enough in Female Supremacy's practices She'll allow Her male domestic maybe once or twice prostate milking per year, so that the male will be in a constant state of permanent frustration during that time.

HOW TO GET PREGNANT IN GYNARCHY, A TIP FOR REAL GYNARCHY WOMEN.

The state of permanent frustration extends even for reproduction time, as the Gynarchic Sisters certainly will collect the male semen through prostate milking in order to get pregnant by injecting that semen with a syringe with a pipette deep in their vaginas, the male wears his chastity cage during the entire process to get his Gynarchy Wife pregnant this way.

And the Wife can decide the gender of the baby; In case She wish to have a babyGirl then She must collect the male semen in a glass of one ounce and left it there from 30 min to 1 hour, if there is a lot of semen then 1 hour is best, if there isn't too much semen then 30 minutes will be enough; In case She wish to have a babyboy then She must collect the male semen directly to a syringe and after She considers She has enough semen then She must start the process to inject that semen with a pipette deep in Her vagina immediately, with this method of fast injection She has 70% chance to get pregnant with a babyboy. 

However, almost all the Gynarchic Sisters decide to have a Daughter for their first pregnancy, this is totally normal when living in Gynarchy, as their Daughters will be their Mothers' Heiresses and Rulers of their own dads when they grow up.

SUMMARY

What do you need to get pregnant with the Gynarchic Method:

To keep your husband denied for at least 6 months in his chastity cage, ideally it would be best to keep him denied for a whole 1 year before collecting his semen to get pregnant.

A Gynarchy Woman will need a male chastity cage for him to wear it during large periods of time.

It would be better if the Gynarchy Woman transitions to a PA piercing in order to avoid cheating on his part, before going the whole 1 year in chastity.

When the time is near when the Gynarchy Woman wants to become pregnant, She can ask for help from another Woman, that can assist Her during Her process of getting pregnant with the Gynarchy Method to do so, She can be Her own Mother or Sister, Her Lesbian lover in case She is Lesbian, or a close Female relative or Female friend.

The Gynarchy Woman will need one little glass of 1 ounce, in order to collect Her male semen in case She wants to have a Daughter.

The Gynarchy Woman will need a syringe connected directly to the male penis through a pipette in case She wants to have a son.

Either way the Gynarchy Woman will need a syringe, that's key for the success of the whole procedure to get pregnant.

Either way the Gynarchy Woman will need another pipette different from the one in point 6, as this pipette is the one that She will introduce deep in Her vagina. Ideally look for one a little more large than the other one, and that fits your vagina well.

Once you have inserted the pipette of point 8 deep in your vagina, the Gynarchic Woman will need patience as She will need to pull the semen slowly in Her vagina to not damage it as it must be concentrated.

Once the Gynarchy Woman has ended to put the semen deep in Her vagina, She will need to wait from 1 to 2 weeks to know if She is pregnant. When a Gynarchy Woman does the process right it is a high chance that She will become pregnant at the first try, it is important that She knows Her ovulation time. If She did not get pregnant it will be time to call Her Mother again to schedule a 2nd collection session and repeat the same process again. In case She did not get pregnant then time to call Mother again for a 3rd try. In case She did not get pregnant then a last 4th try must be done with Her Mother. That's why is important to keep Her male denied for at least 1 full year. As these sessions could extend for at least 2 months, meaning Her male could obtain 4 prostate milking during these 2 months.

In case She did not get pregnant at the 4th try, then the Gynarchy Sisters recommend to change the male specimen for the collection sample. She can choose any other male for this purpose that She sees fit better for this process.

In case She did not get pregnant from another male specimen sample, then She must visit Her Female doctor, as something in Her reproductive system could be wrong. In case She can’t have any children of Her own, then She can go for surrogacy procedure by extracting one of Her ovums to fertilize it in vitro, and place it in another Gynarchy Sister's womb. Or in the last worse scenario She will need to start considering the final option of adoption. 

Either way a Gynarchy Woman can decide to remain childless and Her male domestic husband must accept Her decision even if he can get a Woman pregnant with his semen. Remaining childless while living in Gynarchy still remains as one of the most amazing experiences in life.

BLESSED BE!

[dandelionsresilience]

Dandelion News - January 8-14

Like these weekly compilations? Tip me at $kaybarr1735 or check out my Dandelion Doodles!

1. In Chicago, all city buildings now use 100 percent clean power

“As of January 1, every single one of [Chicago’s municipal buildings] — including 98 fire stations, two international airports, and two of the largest water treatment plants on the planet — is running on renewable energy, thanks largely to Illinois’ newest and largest solar farm.”

2. California Rice Fields Offer Threatened Migratory Waterbirds a Lifeline

“Cranes need nighttime roosting sites flooded to a depth of about 3 to 9 inches, so they can easily hear or feel predators moving through the water. [... Bird Returns pays] farmers to flood their fields during critical migration periods [... and] provide foraging sites by leaving harvested rice or corn fields untilled, so cranes can access the leftover grain.”

3. New York Climate Superfund Becomes Law

“[Funds recovered “from major oil and gas companies” will be used to pay for] the restoration of stormwater drainage and sewage treatment systems, upgrades to transit systems, roads and bridges, the installation of green spaces to mitigate city heat islands and even medical coverage and preventative health programs for illnesses and injuries induced by climate change.”

4. Austin says retooled process for opening overnight cold-weather shelters is paying off

“[... T]he city's moves to lower the temperature threshold to open shelters and announce their activation at least a day in advance were the result of community feedback. [Shelter operators also passed out hot food.]”

5. Helping Communities Find Funding for Nature-Based Solutions

““From coastal oyster reefs to urban stormwater greenways, nature-based solutions are becoming the new normal.” That’s because these types of projects are often less expensive to build and have additional community benefits, such as improving water quality or creating parkland.”

6. Saving the Iberian lynx: How humans rescued this rare feline from extinction

“Back in the early 2000s, fewer than 100 individuals roamed the wild, including only 25 reproductive females. [...] Conservation staff [...] shape these cats into resourceful hunters and get them ready for life outside the center. [...] They’re fine-tuning captive-breeding routines, improving veterinary procedures, and pushing for more wildlife corridors.”

7. Biden cancels student loans for 150,000 more borrowers

“The 150,000 new beneficiaries announced Monday include more than 80,000 borrowers who were cheated or defrauded by their schools, over 60,000 borrowers with total and permanent disabilities and more than 6,000 public service workers[...] bringing the number whose student debt has been canceled during [Biden’s] administration to over 5 million[....]”

8. PosiGen wins another $200M for lower-income rooftop solar

“PosiGen offers a ​“no credit check” [solar panel installation to] those with a higher percentage of their income going to power and fuel bills[....] “somewhere between 25 and 75 percent” of the consumer’s monthly energy savings could come from efficiency measures such as sealing heating and cooling leaks, replacing thermostats, and installing LED lights[....]”

9. Indigenous communities come together to protect the Colombian Amazon

“At this year’s COP, Indigenous peoples celebrated the [protection of] traditional knowledge, innovations and practices[... and] the Cali Fund, which ensures that communities, including Indigenous peoples, receive benefits from the commercial use of [...] genetic data derived from the biological resources that they have long stewarded.”

10. How the heartland of Poland’s coal industry is ditching fossil fuels - without sacrificing jobs

“[Katowice, a former coal city] committed to reducing CO2 emissions by 40 per cent compared to 1990, prioritising investments in green infrastructure, and promoting renewable energy and energy efficiency. [...”]The gradual departure from heavy industry did not bring high social costs in our city,” says Marcin Krupa, Mayor of Katowice City.”

January 1-7 news here | (all credit for images and written material can be found at the source linked; I don’t claim credit for anything but curating.)

[seafoamreadings]

week of january 19th, 2025

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: your week is primed for conversation and charm, but there is some risk of accidental confrontation which may go astray. if you can't say anything nice, you know, don't say anything at all.

taurus: unstable times like these don't typically agree with you so surround yourself with more agreeable things and activities. you may have to go forth into the chaos, but you can do it in comfortable and stylish clothes, or perhaps from your couch.

gemini: changes this week may be less permanent than they initially seem. yet at the same time even temporary changes nudge you towards your longest term destiny. walk and the path will appear; trust that everything is happening for a good reason.

cancerians: mars still retrograde in your sign is busy but at least it's mostly with good things. you might have to get moving and put yourself out there, but you will probably have more fun than expected once you're out there.

leo: aquarius season is on and that means your relationships and other various forms of partnership and close friendship are lit up by the solar glow. while the sun is ill at ease in aquarius, it brings a little of your own leonic warmth and affection to where it is really needed.

virgo: while uranus may not be your idea of the perfect form of mutability (a little too chaotic for your careful, detail-oriented spirit?) its location in taurus provides its antics all week with a certain earthy stability that goes a long way to neutralize that. so go forth with the cautious changes you wish to make, it's a good time!

libra: it makes sense for librans to look forward to aquarius season all day. for one thing, it contains valentine's day, which is hard for even the most cynical libra to dismiss as simply commercial nonsense. but even without that, the start of aquarius season this week brings the sun into your 5th house of fun, creativity, and yes, romance. enjoy :)

scorpio: once the sun moves from capricorn into aquarius this week you start to feel a lot of flashbacks - hopefully including some good ones - to the recent pluto in capricorn era, due to your ruling planet still being near that border of signs and sort of overlapping the two signs during the conjunction. you can do with those flashbacks whatever alchemy fits for you.

sagittarius: the start of aquarius season + a sagittarius moon + a fair few zippy little sextiles should have you in a bubbly mood. don't let anyone try to dim your shine. these are trying times, but you should find lightness and joy everywhere you can and if they struggle with that it's not your problem!

capricorn: these first few of aquarius season have the sun retracing pluto's recent steps. it's not mercury retrograde, it's the spiral staircase of your life: look back at what is (re?)surfacing for you and face it - are you bringing it along or leaving it behind?

aquarius: the start of your season is both plutonic and uranian. there are some tarot-tower vibes present and yet they aren't all malevolent. some structures you *want* to come down, you want to tear them down, right? this could be the time.

pisces: venus continues to make her way exalted through your sign, stopping to charm several other planets in the process. likewise you have an effortless charisma to you all week; you're always a bit ethereal, like you're not of this world, but that is amplified this week and is mostly only expressed in positive ways at this time.

watch the transit posts in real time to have the best guide through your week. want a little more? have a look at my patreon or ko-fi.

check out my etsy for a private reading or fill out this form to set up a reading through venmo, cashapp, or paypal.

[bitchapalooza]

Something tells me that Sanji might not want Iva's help to transition?

You have to look at it from her perspective; he was experimented on probably before he was even born, fetal surgery. He was probably continuously poked and prodded before he understood why. So Sanji not wanting outside help, or more specifically instant easy transition, would make sense. She would want to choose to shape his body into the body she really wants. I can see Sanji being satisfied enough with his body to not be on estrogen, but then again maybe she WOULD want to take it. Maybe he would want a fuller chest after all. Iva would be able to inject Sanji with juuuuuust the right amount of hormones to permanently give her the desired image she wants—but Sanji can't bring himself to do it. It just doesn't sit well because it just feels like another experiment even though SHE'S choosing it for herself this time. But giving himself his own hrt would provide more ease. Sure it's a slower process but it feels more like an achievement anyway. More fulfilling. Her life is in her hands, no one else's.

Yes Iva means well, in fact they were ecstatic to do it, like a parent watching their baby take its first steps, they were going to watch their little Candy take theirs! But Sanji didn't feel so good doing it that way. And yeah. Iva gets that. There are other people like that in the kingdom, Sanji isn't alone feeling this way. So Iva provides the estrogen; patches, gel, shots, pills. Whichever form Sanji decides to take, Iva is fully capable of producing it and teaching Chopper the proper ways too so he can supply Sanji too. Because whatever their Candy wants, their Candy will get. She kind of reminds them of themselves in a way... Maybe that's why they grew so fond of him?

[r-aindr0p]

FtM transition process, but birb edition

His name is Viridian and he's the official bard in a castle in a medieval setting ! Even though the transition wizard told him to be patient he wants to rip the little white shells that contain his new feathers so bad. His best friend is a crow jester (will draw her when I get the time to) And he has a crush on a noble at the court (albino peacock, will draw him too at some point)

(the ramblings below are just extra lore I've been imagining while working on the character sheet, it's not real or to be taken as an accurate representation of the actual animals !! ) The sexual dimorphism between F and M peacocks is rather noticeable so it's important for them and most other bird species to go slowly with the transition. Accelerated loss of all the feathers and molting quickly right after could do permanent damage to their skin.

Another example can be FtM transitioning for (most) sheeps. Taking it slowly is important for a steady growth of the horns without causing skin damage and potential damage to the skull itself.

Canine or feline species on the other hand can take stronger doses of the potion compared to avians.

[cripplecharacters]

Hello. I am writing about a main character who has Down syndrome (12 years old). How does a child like her would react to mother death and moving to an old house? I want to be respectful while writing her.

Hi asker,

So there are a couple different things to think about.

For one, death of a loved one is hard for everyone, and the death of a parent is very difficult for pretty much all children. Change is hard, and this is a very permanent change that can be very traumatic because a person a kid expects to be with for way more time is now gone. The closer the child was to her mother, the harder this is going to be for her.

On change being hard, ID can make it harder for her to adapt to change. "Harder" does not mean "impossible." "Harder" means maybe they have to make a plan to help her transition to her new living space, maybe it needs to be explained to her more often, things like that. Maybe she needs support from lots of visuals, maybe she's asking questions a lot of the time, maybe she has trouble with doing things because of the stress. And this is from just the change of moving – all of this will likely be compounded with the stress of not having her mother. For this, people can try to help her by trying to provide as much of a sense of normalcy and trying to make sure she can have some sort of... it doesn't have to be a routine per se, just trying to make sure that some things don't change.

Abstract concepts are sometimes hard for kids, although less so by age 12 than for younger children. Abstract concepts can also be more difficult for people with intellectual disability (as is likely the case for your character with Down Syndrome). So, how is the death explained to her?

Best practice to explain death to children, including and especially kids with I/DD, is to use concrete and simple language. Euphemisms don't help much, especially for children, because euphemisms have context behind them that a child doesn't have. Euphemisms can also be misunderstood and unclear.

So, if she actually understands what's going on because people are explaining things to her in a way she can understand, ultimately this is going to be much better for her than if she doesn't understand that her mother isn't coming back because people keep being vague and saying things like "she's in a better place" and she keeps hoping to join her mom in this "better" place. Or it might take some time for her to understand the situation, and she might experience delayed grief.

Who is she moving with? Who is going to take care of her — she's a kid, she can't do it all by herself. Does she know them already? Is she just meeting them? If she's never met them before, this will probably be even more stressful to her — basically every single thing in her life is changing. That's huge. That's stressful and can be hard for her to understand why everything is different.

Overall, at the end of the day she's just a person, a child specifically, being put in an incredibly difficult situation. She has emotions like anyone else — there is a misconception that people with Down Syndrome are always happy, and that's just not true. They have

She's in a situation where adults with zero disabilities would probably have a super rough time as well. Add on to that being a kid, and add on to that being intellectually disabled, and it's probably going to be a really stressful situation. So, think about how your character reacts when she's stressed out, and factor in her disability.

Here's some links to grief and I/DD and grief and children. I have read through them, though not all of them at length. They do have information that you can use, whether on how she'd react or how others around her could react, but either way use your own judgement.

Helping People With Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities Process Grief by the Boggs Center on Developmental Disabilities (PDF file)

Responding to Grief Reactions of People with Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities by the Boggs Center on Developmental Disabilities (PDF File)

Bereavement In The Lives Of People With Intellectual Disabilities by the University of Hertfordshire's website on Intellectual Disability and Health

Managing Grief Better: People with Intellectual Disabilities by the University of Hertfordshire's website on Intellectual Disability and Health

Helping People With Intellectual Disabilities Cope With Loss by the Vanderbilt Kennedy Center (PDF File)

Hope this helps,

mod sparrow

[theavaricesystem]

You know what, y'all are getting this essay now.

Metroid Fusion is a game about being transgender and being haunted by the idea of who you could have been/who you were, and Metroid Dread is about abusive and neglectful family and being prosecuted for factors outside of one's control.

This will have spoilers for Metroid Fusion and Metroid Dread.

In the intro to Fusion, Samus Aran is working with a part of the galactic government, as a sort of freelancer. While on a mission, she is attacked by an amorphous alien lifeform which suddenly disappears after invading her suit. Later, while in transit, she suddenly loses motor functions and crashes her ship into an asteroid.

The lifeform, known as an X, had fused to her body, slowly killing her and destroying her from within. It was so deeply connected to her at that point that the doctors and scientists trying to save Samus were at a loss. They had removed parts of her suit hoping to quarantine the X and reverse the process, but it was deep in her central nervous system at this point.

As Samus' narration puts it:

By taking a sample of Metroid DNA and splicing it with Samus', her body was able to adapt and absorb the X. This was only possible because the X are describes as being of "nearly pure energy", and Metroid being creatures that absorb energy, are one of their only predators.

Now, what does that have to do with an allegory for being trans? Well.

Being Part Metroid is not a reversible process. And it's not without its problems. Metroids are naturally vulnerable to cold, and while Samus used to be able to handle at least close to arctic temperatures without her Varia Suit, she is now barely able to even handle research facilities in said areas. On top of that, her suit is now more deeply connected to her than it ever has been before. It saved her, kept her alive while the X tried to ravage her body, but now it is an inescapable part of her.

But, she had been given the ability to consume X parasites. Her body was now, in part, Metroid in nature. She had won against the X that sought to kill her.

This is the image that really cements it in my brain. Samus has become a different person. She was reborn as a hybrid of Human, Chozo, and Metroid. Samus, for her part, accepts this pretty quickly, even reflecting that her life up to this point was leading up to this. The Metroid DNA that saved her came from the infant Metroid that saved her way back in Super Metroid, after all.

(I could go into how the change has caused her suit to become softer, and slightly weaker, and how much of the outer plating of her suit has been lost, and how that plays into the theme of transition, but that feels a bit more tenuous of a connection.)

Now, let's move to the antagonist of Fusion.

Samus' old suit, the parts removed by the scientists to get to her, was quarantined on a space station. However, the X inside began to replicate Samus herself, until they had become a copy of her at the peak of her power, but devoid of any humanity. A killing machine.

This is referred to as SA-X.

(that reveal scene gave me nightmares as a kid)

Throughout Fusion, you're attempting to basically get Samus back to the level of power that she had, in order to contend with and defeat the SA-X. A lot of other things happen in this game, including the personhood of Adam(who needs his own essay tbh). But, the crux of the conflict is between the SA-X, who is imitating a previous version of Samus, and Samus herself, who is desperately trying to become the person she once was, again.

The final boss of Fusion is a Metroid, not any X imitation. Despite the conflict between them, the SA-X attempts to fight this Metroid, it's natural predator, but fails. With the SA-X's death, Samus reclaims some of power that she lost, by consuming what was left of it. But, she doesn't just become the person that she was. She is permanently changed, permanently A Metroid by any standards. There is no going back.

She has taken the remnants of who she was, accepted them, and become something new, something greater.

Then, we come to Metroid Dread. In it, Samus is tasked with figuring out if the reports of X existing on a planet. A series of robots were sent to take samples and figure out if this information was true, the Extraplanetary Multiform Mobile Identifier, or E.M.M.I. units. Of course, all of them disappeared shortly after reaching the planet, and couldn't be reached. So, they sent Samus, whose unique biology made her the only living thing in the galaxy capable of surviving an attack from the X.

Samus is, in this game, the last Metroid in existence.

In the end, it is revealed that the EMMI units were taken over and controlled by a Chozo called Raven Beak. This Chozo was one of the several who gave their DNA to Samus, and he calls her Daughter throughout the ending sequence of the game.

Raven Beak's goal is to take the Metroid DNA from Samus to create a new form of bioweapon using it. Which is, for those familiar to the series, the same thing that the government has done, like, three times. Hell, it happens in Fusion, too. (The Metroids in that portion aren't even hostile to Samus, as they recognize her as one of their own.) Raven Beak was also the cause of a major schism within the Chozo, between those who wanted to exist in harmony with the universe, and those who saw it as theirs by right of their power.

Despite calling her "daughter", Raven Beak sees Samus as a tool. A source of power that he has every right to harvest. He manipulates her and pushes her to near-death to bring out her Metroid instincts, which are to Consume and Kill. He helps her become stronger, but only to make her a more complete Metroid. In his mind, her destiny is to pave the path for his dominion and control over the galaxy.

Despite never being there for her, Raven expects Samus to give her life so that he can become all-powerful. He calls it "her destiny". The process that saved her from the X in Fusion ultimately endangered her, and it is only through accepting her nature as a Metroid that she is able to survive and triumph.

Because she was a Metroid, a change that she did not choose to make but that was needed for her to survive, she became a target for Raven Beak. She was hunted by the EMMIs for her DNA, and became a monster to survive.

(it did give us the Coolest suit Samus has ever had, but still. Traumatizing for her)

In the end, Samus is of course not sacrificed upon the altar of Raven Beak's power. She escapes, and narrowly so, thanks to another Chozo who had been taken over by the X but retained his lucidity, named Quiet Robe. By willingly giving himself to Samus, she is able to regain a more normal form, but it is clear that the events of Dread have changed Samus irrevocably.

If you're still reading, I'd like to thank you for sticking with this rambling mess. And for coming to my ted talk. Lol.

[whencyclopedia]

Agriculture in the Fertile Crescent & Mesopotamia

The ancient Near East, and the historical region of the Fertile Crescent in particular, is generally seen as the birthplace of agriculture. The first agricultural evidence comes from the Levant, from where it spread to Mesopotamia, enabling the rise of large-scale cities and empires in the region.

In the 4th millennium BCE, this area was more temperate than it is today, and it had fertile soil, two great rivers (the Euphrates and the Tigris), as well as hills and mountains to the north.

The Origins of Agriculture

The birth of agriculture was a pivotal moment in human history that allowed the earliest civilizations to arise in the Fertile Crescent. Despite it being called the "Cradle of Civilization", we now know that agriculture (and human civilization) also arose independently in other regions of the world. In central America, people domesticated maize and beans, and rice and millet and pigs were first domesticated in China, both without knowledge of earlier advances in the Near East.

The advent of agriculture occurred gradually in the hill country of south-eastern Turkey, western Iran, and the Levant, most likely because the region happened to be home to a wide range of plants and animals that lend themselves to domestication and human consumption. Fig trees were cultivated in modern-day Jordan by around 11,300 BCE. Wheat and goats were domesticated in the Levant by 9000 BCE, followed by peas and lentils in the Fertile Crescent and northern Egypt around 8000 BCE and olive trees in the Eastern Mediterranean by 5000 BCE.

Cattle was first domesticated around 8500 BCE, most likely from wild ox (aurochs) in the Near East. Based on recent genetic analyses of ancient cattle bones, it is estimated that all modern cattle in the world is descended from as few as 80 animals that were originally domesticated.

Horses were domesticated in the western Eurasian steppe by 4000 BCE and spread to the Near East at some point in the late 3rd millennium BCE. Grapevines were domesticated in modern-day Iran around 3500 BCE and spread to the Levant and Egypt by 3000 BCE, marking the end of the transition to agriculture. Even today, 90% of our calories come from foods that were domesticated in this first wave of the agricultural revolution.

Agriculture started most likely because hunter-gatherers who collected grains would have had to take them back to their camp in order to separate the grain from the chaff. During this process, some seeds inevitably fall to the ground. When humans returned to the same campsite the next year, cereals would be growing around the campsite, which they harvested again, causing more seeds to fall. As the amount of cereals around the site increased, the people stayed longer to harvest, eventually turning into semi-nomads with seasonal villages, such as the Natufian culture that flourished circa 12500-9500 BCE.

Over time, some of these semi-nomads decided to stay in their agricultural villages year-round to cultivate cereals, while others would continue as nomads. By 8500 BCE, the Middle East was home to many permanent villages whose inhabitants were primarily farmers. The agricultural revolution had begun. With the increase in food production from agriculture, more human life could be sustained, populations increased, and villages turned into cities that gave rise to the Mesopotamian civilizations. The historian Gwendolyn Leick writes:

By the seventh millennium BCE, the alluvial plains began to be cultivated, and by the fourth millennium, the first cities appeared in response to the need for an efficient agricultural administration. The first documents, pictographs written on clay, concerned the allocation of labor for fields and the distribution of the products. (Leick, 6)

It is important to note that the Fertile Crescent is not the only origin point of agriculture, but that there are other places all over the world where agriculture and the domestication of animals arose without any contact with the Fertile Crescent. Scholar Yuval Noah Harari writes:

Scholars once believed that agriculture spread from a single Middle Eastern point of origin to the four corners of the world. Today, scholars agree that agriculture sprang up in other parts of the world not by the action of Middle Eastern farmers exporting their revolution but entirely independently. People in Central America domesticated maize and beans without knowing anything about wheat and pea cultivation in the Middle East. South Americans learned how to raise potatoes and llamas, unaware of what was going on in either Mexico or the Levant. China's first revolutionaries domesticated rice, millet and pigs. America's first gardeners were those who got tired of combing the undergrowth for edible gourds decided to cultivate pumpkins. New Guineans tamed sugar cane and bananas, while the first West African farmers made African millet, African rice, sorghum and wheat conform to their needs. (Chapter 5)

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[mywitchyblog]

Permashifting and Respawning: An Analysis of These Advanced Shifting Concepts

Permashifting and Respawning: An Analysis of These Advanced Shifting Concepts

Introduction

Masterlist :

In the realm of shifting consciousness and altering perceived realities, two concepts have emerged as significant subjects of interest and debate: permashifting and respawning. These advanced shifting techniques, while rooted in imaginative and theoretical frameworks, have captured the attention of various communities seeking to explore the boundaries of consciousness and personal reality.

Permashifting refers to the idea of shifting one’s awareness into an alternate reality or state of being for extended periods or permanently while still retaining awareness of the original reality. Respawning involves a process of transitioning to a previous state or reality after experiencing a form of shift or transition, often tied to deeper spiritual or reincarnation practices. Both concepts have sparked intrigue and controversy, challenging traditional notions of reality and consciousness.

This essay aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of permashifting and respawning, delving into their definitions, mechanics, applications, and implications. By exploring the ethical, philosophical, and practical dimensions of these concepts, we seek to understand their potential impact on individuals and society. Furthermore, we will examine the perception of permashifting and respawning within various communities, addressing common misconceptions and controversies that surround them. Through this exploration, we aim to illuminate the complexities and nuances of these advanced shifting concepts and contribute to a more informed and open dialogue on their possibilities and limitations.

TagList of people who either could be interested or that i found info from their page and im crediting them :

@ixzotica, @ieatmoonrocks , @shiftinghoe , @shiftersroom , @lizzy4president

Disclaimers : Read the post fully if you have any question dont hesistate to ask and this is also from my persceptive it might not align with yours and it is okay.

I. Permashifting

A. Definition and Fundamentals

Introduction to Permashifting

Permashifting is a concept that originates from the broader discourse on consciousness and the exploration of alternate realities. The term "permashifting" refers to the theoretical ability to shift one’s awareness to a different reality or dimension permanently or for long periods while maintaining awareness of one's original reality. This concept is often discussed in the context of reality-shifting communities, where individuals explore the potential to alter their conscious experiences beyond the confines of their current reality. The idea is rooted in the belief that multiple realities or dimensions exist simultaneously and that it is possible for a person to relocate their awareness from one reality to another for an extended period.

Mechanics of Permashifting

The mechanics of permashifting involve several key elements that proponents believe facilitate the transition of awareness. At its core, permashifting requires a deep, meditative focus and a strong intent to shift from the current reality to the desired one. Techniques often include visualization practices, scripting of desired outcomes, and the use of affirmations to reinforce the intention to shift. Unlike temporary shifting, which might be likened to a lucid dream or a temporary altered state, permashifting aims for a long-term relocation of awareness. This requires not only mental preparation but also a belief system that supports the existence and accessibility of alternate realities. Importantly, individuals maintain awareness of their original reality and can choose to shift back, highlighting the flexible nature of this concept.

B. Applications and Implications

Practical Applications

While permashifting is primarily discussed in theoretical terms, its potential applications, if proven , could be transformative across various fields. For individuals, the ability to permashift could offer opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment by allowing them to inhabit realities that align more closely with their desires and aspirations. In the realm of therapy and mental health, permashifting could provide alternative avenues for individuals seeking escape from trauma or emotional distress by relocating to a more supportive and nurturing environment. Furthermore, the exploration of permashifting concepts challenges our understanding of reality and consciousness.

Ethical and Philosophical Implications

The concept of permashifting raises several ethical and philosophical questions. Ethically, the idea of permanently or long-term shifting to another reality poses dilemmas regarding responsibility, identity, and the consequences of such a shift on relationships and societal structures. Philosophically, permashifting challenges the fundamental nature of reality, identity, and consciousness. It questions whether identity is inherently tied to a specific reality or if it can transcend physical dimensions. Additionally, the pursuit of permashifting invites debates about the nature of reality itself—whether multiple realities truly exist and if awareness can traverse these realms independently. These questions highlight the complexities and potential consequences of exploring advanced shifting concepts like permashifting.

By examining these aspects, we gain a deeper understanding of the motivations and implications behind the desire to explore and potentially achieve permashifting, setting the stage for further exploration into related concepts like respawning.

II. Respawning

A. Definition and Fundamentals

Introduction to Respawning

Respawning, as detailed in the context of shifting and reincarnation, involves the transference of consciousness and awareness, sometimes referred to as the soul, to another reality or existence. Unlike traditional shifting, which primarily involves the movement of awareness, respawning incorporates a spiritual dimension, aligning closely with reincarnation and the idea of quantum immortality. Respawning is often seen as a deeply personal and spiritual practice that allows individuals to start anew in a different reality, often (according to some beleifs) after fulfilling certain spiritual or karmic obligations in their current existence.

Mechanics of Respawning

The mechanics of respawning are both spiritual and conscious. It involves a process of preparing the mind and spirit for the transition, often through practices like meditation, affirmations, and scripting. Respawners typically maintain that this process is not about physical death but rather about moving one's consciousness to a new reality while potentially leaving behind a "clone" or stand-in in their original reality. This concept is closely tied to spiritual beliefs and practices, emphasizing the continuity of consciousness beyond the physical realm. Respawning is often seen as a way to fulfill one's life purpose and begin a new journey in a reality that better aligns with one's desires and spiritual goals.

B. Applications and Implications

Practical Applications

Respawning offers a unique set of applications, particularly in the realm of personal growth and spiritual exploration. Many practitioners use respawning as a means to escape challenging circumstances in their current reality or to embark on a new life path that aligns more closely with their soul's desires. This can include changing one's identity, circumstances, or even physical appearance. Respawning is often used to heal from past traumas or to fulfill unmet desires in a more conducive environment. The practice has also been linked to creative exploration, as it encourages individuals to imagine and manifest realities that transcend conventional limitations.

Ethical and Philosophical Implications

The concept of respawning raises several ethical and philosophical questions, particularly regarding the nature of life, death, and identity. Ethically, the practice of respawning challenges traditional notions of responsibility and continuity, as individuals navigate the complexities of leaving one reality for another. There are also questions about the implications of leaving behind a "clone" or stand-in and how this affects relationships and commitments in the original reality.

Philosophically, respawning invites discussions about the nature of consciousness and the soul. It challenges the notion of a singular, linear life path and suggests that consciousness can exist and evolve across multiple realities. The practice also touches on ideas of quantum immortality and the multiverse, where all possible realities exist simultaneously and can be accessed through the right spiritual and mental preparations. Respawning emphasizes the subjective nature of death, suggesting that it is not necessarily the end of physical life but rather a transformation or transition to a different state of being.

By exploring these applications and implications, respawning provides a fascinating framework for understanding the possibilities of consciousness and the potential for personal and spiritual transformation. This sets the stage for a broader discussion on community perceptions and misconceptions surrounding these advanced shifting concepts.

III. Community Perception and Misconceptions

A. Perceptions and Misunderstandings

General Community Perception

In the shifting community, the concepts of permashifting and respawning are often misunderstood and criticized, particularly by those who do not fully grasp the motivations and experiences of those who practice these forms of reality shifting. Many critics argue against using shifting as a form of escapism, suggesting that it is an unhealthy way to cope with the challenges of this reality. However, this perspective overlooks the very real struggles that many individuals face in their current lives, such as trauma, mental health issues, and a lack of control over their circumstances. For many, the ability to shift offers a vital means of finding solace, healing, and empowerment.

The criticism that shifting is simply escapism fails to acknowledge the legitimate desire to seek happiness and safety in a reality that aligns more closely with one’s needs and aspirations. Many individuals who turn to shifting have already contemplated far more drastic means of escaping their current circumstances. For these individuals, shifting provides a hopeful and life-affirming alternative to leaving this world through more permanent and peaceful means.

Common Misconceptions

A common misconception is that shifting is inherently dangerous or that it hinders a person's spiritual or personal growth journey. Critics claim that relying on shifting to escape reality prevents individuals from appreciating their current lives and learning necessary life lessons. However, this argument is both hypocritical and dismissive of the very real pain and dissatisfaction that can drive individuals to seek alternative realities.

This reality is often perceived as a blueprint or ultimate standard of existence, yet this view fails to recognize that each person’s experience of reality is subjective and shaped by personal circumstances. For those who have been harmed or marginalized by this world, shifting offers a way to reclaim agency and build a life where they feel respected and valued.

The hypocrisy in the community becomes evident when people judge others for wanting to leave this reality, despite not understanding the depth of their experiences or motivations. Those who deny the possibility of shifting or respawning often do so without considering that other forms of consciousness exploration, such as meditation or lucid dreaming, are widely accepted and even encouraged. This selective acceptance reveals a narrow-minded approach to understanding the broader spectrum of human consciousness and potential.

B. Controversies and Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy in Belief and Practice

The hypocrisy surrounding the criticism of shifting practices is glaring. Many individuals who argue against shifting as escapism fail to acknowledge their own reliance on various forms of escapism, whether it be through entertainment, travel, or other means. Shifting is simply another avenue through which individuals seek fulfillment and peace, yet it is often unfairly singled out and judged more harshly.

Moreover, there is a persistent belief among critics that permashifting and respawning are impossible and that we are somehow "meant" to remain in this reality. This notion is deeply flawed and inherently contradictory. By suggesting that shifting is merely temporary, these critics implicitly deny the legitimacy of shifting altogether, engaging in logical inconsistencies that undermine their own arguments. If shifting is not real or meaningful, then why should its permanence or impermanence matter? This line of thinking reveals a lack of coherent reasoning and reflects an unwillingness to engage with the possibilities that shifting presents.

Additionally, the demand that individuals should "appreciate" or "love" this reality, regardless of their personal suffering, is not only hypocritical but also incredibly insensitive. For those who have endured significant trauma, discrimination, or profound dissatisfaction with their lives, being told to accept this reality feels like a dismissal of their pain. This attitude reeks of privilege and a lack of empathy, as it fails to acknowledge the very real and valid reasons why someone might seek to leave this reality permanently. Telling someone that they must stay and find contentment here ignores the diversity of human experiences and assumes that everyone’s reality is equally tolerable, which is far from the truth.

Addressing Controversies

The controversies surrounding the supposed dangers of shifting are largely based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Critics often argue that shifting leads to a detachment from reality or exacerbates mental health issues, but there is little evidence to support these claims. On the contrary, many find that shifting provides a sense of purpose, control, and empowerment that they lacked in their original reality.

Additionally, the idea that this reality is the ultimate blueprint is an oversimplification. Each person’s reality is unique and shaped by their experiences, challenges, and aspirations. Viewing this reality as the definitive version is limiting and fails to recognize the vast potential for exploration and growth in alternate realities.

Ultimately, the decision to engage in permashifting or respawning is a deeply personal one that should be respected. It is essential to foster an open and understanding dialogue that acknowledges the diverse experiences and motivations within the shifting community. By challenging misconceptions and embracing the possibilities of consciousness exploration, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for all individuals seeking to navigate their own journeys.

Conclusion

Permashifting and respawning represent advanced shifting concepts that challenge traditional notions of reality and consciousness. While these practices are often misunderstood and criticized, they offer significant potential for personal and spiritual transformation. For many individuals, shifting provides a vital means of finding solace, healing, and empowerment in the face of challenging circumstances. By examining the mechanics, applications, and implications of these concepts, we gain a deeper understanding of their potential impact on individuals and society.

Furthermore, addressing the community perceptions and misconceptions surrounding permashifting and respawning allows for a more informed and open dialogue. By fostering a greater understanding and acceptance of these advanced shifting concepts, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for those seeking to explore the boundaries of consciousness and personal reality. Through this exploration, we aim to illuminate the complexities and nuances of these advanced shifting concepts and contribute to a more informed and open dialogue on their possibilities and limitations.

[mycelialmistress]

Slime Girl HRT Guide: Month 2

Notable changes: Two months typically marks the beginning non-human changes becoming apparent for the first time. But it is also when important human changes can occur as well. For those who are seeking Slime Girl transition for gender as well as species, it is at two months that noticeable feminization begins. This includes the development of breast tissue and the first stages of fat redistribution. Slime HRT can accelerate gender transition timelines significantly due to the addition of physiological pliability to the process. For this reason, some who are seeking to transition MTF while remaining human might seek to incorporate slime transition as well, then ween themselves to typical HRT before permanent slime traits develop. Notably, while traditional HRT cannot facilitate the biological shift of a penis to a vagina, many who utilize slime HRT have experienced full or partial genital conversion. If you are wanting to take Slime Girl HRT for those reasons, it is important to work with your doctor before starting, so you can manage a lower dose and avoid developing non-human traits.

It is between months two and three that most transitioners start to notice the first hints of transparency in the extremities. Typically only visible in the finger tips and toes, it is most easily identified by holding one's hand up to a bright light. Significantly more details about the internal structure of the hand can become apparent when silhouetted in this way. As the transition progresses, this translucency will intensify such that it will be noticeable even when back lit by weak light sources. In rare cases, transitioners have experienced a softening and sometimes falling out of fingernails at this stage.

An increase in perspiration is also typical at this stage, such that many find themselves somewhat damp from sweat even in cool temperatures or when they haven't recently engaged in physical exertion.

Recommended actions: If you are taking Slime Girl HRT for gender transition reasons, it is important to alert your doctor immediately when these changes occur, so that your dosage can be closely monitored.

For all others, be aware that this stage can mark an increase in likelihood of hairline fractures in the bones of the hands and feet, even from what would normally be minor injuries. Be aware and take extra precautions while engaging in physical activities.

To deal with increased perspiration, you should continues to maintain hydration.

Many transitions also report the emergence of nesting instincts that compel them to start seeking large basins to sleep in, as opposed to beds. There is nothing abnormal about this, but steps should be taken to ensure that any tub or similar container is large enough to accommodate ergonomic sleeping positions while there are still bones and ligaments to contend with.